Broken Butts & Bubba Gumps

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. I do want to say, welcome back, Happy New Year.
Happy New Year. It's been a long time.
Welcome back and Happy New Year. I hope everybody is watching Cheeseburger on Netflix, my brand new Netflix special.
I hope you went into the theater. Of course I did.
What is this? Happy birthday, dude. What is this? I don't know what it is.
Oh, cheeseburger for my special. Pete.
Yeah. Yay.
Oh. Cheeseburgers.
Thank you, guys. Yeah, and now we can't eat that because of all the chemicals.
I can't have graffiti on my hamburger. That's insane.
Yeah, yeah. Is this a Banksy now? Yeah.
Can we sell this? Yeah, we can sell street art now. Thank you, guys.
That's very nice of you. Yay.
Bobby, get a cheeseburger. Everybody gets one.
Oh, they're warm. Are these In-N-Outs? Yes.
Baby. Oh, thank you.
And ladies and gentlemen, welcome back in the new year of 2023. It's the juice.
The juice is loose. She is so full of herself.
I love it. What's going on? She needs direct hellos.
I've been driving up to the comedy store. She's doing the lot.
She now needs direct hello. I'm working the lot.
This is what I love. Minimum wage.
I'm paying my dues. Bobby comes- Your choice, by the way.
We're not forcing you to work there. That's true.
I'll give you that. We would have to pay her more money so she doesn't have to that's right so we're here but it is by choice

I'm working a lot

and Bobby peels in

it's a small lot

he peels in

gets out of the car

I go

whoa speed racer

he looks at me

like

doesn't say nothing

yeah

this right here

is like

you know what

dignitaries in Korea

say that to other dignitaries

that's the highest honor

to do a little

blackhead

I don't know. nothing yeah this right here is like you know what dignitaries in korea yeah say that to other dignitaries that's the highest honor to do a little black head like attitude thing it wasn't an honor you were looking at me because you were with a beautiful woman and you were looking at me like why are you talking to me right now and you didn't say hi to me and then i laughed and i was like okay and then you go you need medication and then you walked away i got out of the girl.
Yeah. You know what I mean? You need medication.
You're right. I made it seem like that you were like, kind of like.
Yeah. What? For 30 minutes driving up, I go, there's a.
Right. Right.
So don't even lock eyes with her. You know what I mean? She's very strong.
And I did this whole thing. And then I did.
And she only communicates by the head right so I did the head thing right and she giggled and we walked in the club and why the medication line did I really say that line yeah did you did you tip on the way out in front of the girl no whoa that's unusual for you yeah yeah no but you apologized I did apologize well the truth be known are you doing? Thank you, Pete. Guys, grab a cheeseburger.
What are you doing? The truth be known, I've been so used to calling you juicy. I forgot your real name.
What? For a second, I forgot your real name. Well, you could have just said hi.
I know. What is your real name? I don't know either.
Jason. No, be real.
You don't know her real name? It's Jason or Jeffrey or Jet Ski. Is it all right if I introduce you as Juicy then from now on? Yeah.
All right. But it might not.
Janet. Janet's called it.
Janet. Jessie.
Janet. Ski Mask is the new one.
Yeah, so... Is it Jessica?

Yeah, oof, yuck.

Yeah.

Middle name Brooke.

Jessica Brooke?

What sorority were you in?

I'm Jessica Brooke, and I'm an A.D. Pie.

You!

Totally different route.

I couldn't.

Yeah, dude, you could have been a hardcore...

You could have been like a...

Were you a cheerleader in high school?

No, marching band. Oh, that's right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking nerd.
But you know what they say about kids in the band? School shooters later? I was going to say they're like freaks. They're like sex freaks.
Oh, I don't know. Aren't they? Aren't the band kids like the horniest kids on earth? Oh, yeah.
We're doing a lot of mouth stuff. What? Like with the instruments.
Oh, yeah. What do you call the group? I'll tell you what group I was.
I was the guy underneath the bleachers. What do you call that guy? Pervert.
Oh, that guy? pervert oh that's right yeah we call those perverts weed and stuff back there yeah still pervert oh because you want to look at people you want to look people not during the game it was during the day okay oh wait during the football game I'm looking up yeah yeah check it out dude you can see your bush yeah in high school were you like let me guess I was in the shed in the football shed school, were you like, let me guess. I was in the shed.
In the football shed. What is that? What? Yeah, the equipment shed.
I was in the equipment shed. You were half koala bear? No, no, no.
They stuffed me in there. Oh, I see.
They're like, stay in there, ginger freak. You weren't the jock? Like, you weren't the popular, like, jockey kind of guy? I kind of toed this weird line because I liked drugs.
I liked weed a lot. And most of my friends were potheads.
Like my closest group of friends. My best friend from high school, we met smoking, ditching class and getting high.
So that was my crew was like, but I also played sports so I could mingle with both. But I was never committed.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. But sometimes I go to popular cool kids parties and I'd bring people that they wouldn't like.
Oh, right, right. Do you know what I mean? Like the cool kids didn't like that I traveled with kids who also had drugs and arrest records.
So it was like this weird, like, Santino's cool, but you can't bring these other guys. And it's like, well, then I'm going to leave.
Really? Well, because those guys got drugs. I got to go with the guys that have drugs.
Right. Your house is nice, but I got to go get high.
So you're guys that probably was were friends with everyone i had a i had a lot of friends in different groups i was pretty cool about like i had a lot of groups yeah like i knew kids in insert and all different like vectors for me it's if i went to school now now i would be friends with the ones that like are a little cuckoo right because if the day comes yeah right that they might give you a pass right right right this is it this is the reenact yeah give yourself to jesus yeah bobby lee yeah remember i gave you the tootsie the to tootsie roll guy. The tootsie roll guy.
The tootsie roll guy. Hey, I love you.
Thanks. Can you point? Oh, sorry.
Sorry about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love you. You want another tootsie? Throw it in my mouth? Yeah.
Oh, fuck. I didn't mean to say that.
And then you're a hero. I want People Magazine to cover.
You stopped school shooter yeah I'd be like yeah like I've been practicing throwing tootsies in people's mouths for like 8 years and I just knew I timed it out you know he opened his mouth I just whipped it right in his mouth 60 minutes to do a piece about you at your home with like a little target and you're just sitting with sticky tootsies and you're throwing it against the wall or I I could take a Pez dispenser. I could throw the Pez the opposite way.
What were you, Juice? Were you a cool kid in high school? I was like you in a sense where I had friends with a lot of different groups. I was friends with the marching band, the orchestra, the choir.
That's all the same one. I feel like that's the same She's like flags.
Right. The brass section.
The woodwinds. Yeah, woodwinds were the shit.
I knew nobody in that section, but I guess the only musicians I knew were like guys like you. What do you mean guys like me? Well, guys that did drugs and experimental music.
I'm friends with a lot of those kind of guys. Oh, the jazz musicians.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Jesus Christ, Jesus.

How long have you known us?

Jazz.

Yeah.

I went to this high school field trip.

We went to a college to watch the college jazz band play,

and this guy took me, like, one of the student teachers took me into this car ride with one of the college trumpet players and i thought i was like oh cool i'm gonna hang out with them before their big concert and they rolled this giant blunt and we drove around flagstaff arizona just smoking this blunt and then they were like oh shit we got to get her back to class and they dropped me off and i was just high as shit and i know my whole band could sell oh wow Oh, wow. I felt like I was going to get in so much trouble.
But, I mean, that's the best way to learn jazz. Yeah, that is.
That is real. One time we skipped out and I had, it was the end of the year.
And we had chemistry. And in chemistry, they told us we were going to do tie dye.
And chemistry for me was right after lunch. And I was like, all right, so so we're gonna go get stoned at lunch and then we'll come back and do tie-dye shirts because that was kind of like you know at the end of the lesson plan season they're like just fucking something related to the subject a little bit they're not trying at all the teachers yeah so this woman was like we'll just do tie-dye right uh and everyone was stoked so we went out and got stoned and this particular day i remember my buddy john martitius was like he's like this is purple haze and i was like okay dude what you know like the names of weed at some point we were like yeah sure dude whatever it's all the same let's get high and i got so unbelievably high that i remember walking up to the stairs to go back into the gymnasium and seeing them it was like three levels and i got nervous about how long it was going to take me to get up all the stairs and then i as soon as i finished that that one goal done then it was getting to the classroom wow almost impossible wow got there was so fucking high she knew something was wrong i couldn't tie-dye couldn't figure it out wait wait you're so high you can't tie-d's the only thing you should be able to do because the rubber bands I didn't understand she was explaining how you could do the rubber bands in different ways and I just fucked it up every I would fuck it up I'd over dip and then under dunk your shirt came out perfectly orange yeah it's this shirt this is the shirt that I made it's just all black I just feel like it's the simplest thing to do it's like Jackson Pollock painting I.
I was so- Like, you can't do that? I know, dude, but I was just- It was uncomfortably high. I couldn't focus.
I was getting nervous about everyone thinking that I was acting weird. Did you have- In your school, did you have- Did you have to raise your hand to go to the bathroom, or could you just leave? No, you absolutely had to ask.
We had to have hall passes, dude, because we had so many kids who would ditch or skip and all that shit. Yeah.
You had to fucking hall pass. Do you remember that, guys? We had one girl that could just leave.
Because she was... No.
No, it turns out she was... I swear to God.
I don't want to say her name, but her name is very like... That's what you had to call her.
Yeah. We had a couple of those.
Oh, you were in the special class? Maybe I was. I had to wear a helmet.
Is that bad? But they made you wear a football helmet, a full football helmet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, we had a couple of kids that had Tourette's that were allowed to come and go as they pleased when they felt like they were overwhelmed. No, this girl was born without an anal muscle.
I gotta go. No, I'm not kidding you.
That's enough for me today.

What do you mean?

No, what do you mean?

She was born with no anal muscle.

Well, you just gotta lift some ass weights.

I guess back in the day,

they did a drawstring.

What?

Around the,

I swear to God.

So she had a little drawstring.

I'm not kidding you, dude.

Yeah, and you close it up that way.

I guess this day, right,

it was a little wet,

fucked up the drawstring, right? And it kind of, you know, you know opened up a bit oh no right so she was able to go walk out and every time she would walk out the whole class would look i wouldn't no everybody but you i'd be jerking off i can see her drawstring yeah yeah no but she and her i, do not say her name. I know, but I'm going to tell you why.
I'll tell you why I have to say her name. And then you have to beep it out, right? Okay.
Her name was... No! What are you talking about? No way.
I swear to God. That can't be heard of.
That's what her name was. What? Right.
So you have to understand. Ms.
K*** is Uranus leaking? Poor girl. And she was hot as fuck.
She was so hot. Yeah.
Well, so then who cares about the anal leak? Right. She was a leaker, but she was hot.
Yeah. I mean.
Wait, could you, did the thing, was it installed? What do you mean installed? Her pulley system. Was that installed? What, you think your parents did it? Well, I mean a doctor, or did she do it? Is it a thing that she does? In my mind, it's like, you mean it's like a tampon string that sticks out of a funnel? No, no, no.
Like flushing a toilet. Yeah, like flushing an old chain toilet, or like my chimney.
My chimney has a chain that opens the flap. No one ever brought it up to her.
But you all knew. But it was just kind of like folklore.
And from what I've gathered, right, it's a surgical process. So a doctor installed it, though.
Yeah. It's not a home-cut kit.
I guess they surgically implanted, like, a string inside the... Tush? Yeah, the anal, where the anal muscle's supposed to be.
Right. And then it comes out of the flesh.
And I guess you draw it like that. I got a question.
Like a pool cue. Yeah, I guess like a pool cue.
Yeah, like a pool cue. Yeah, like a pool cue.
You got to be careful. You know what I mean? You got to keep a steady hand.
Yeah. You one slip and you're in.
Yeah, yeah. Because there's no barrier there.
If you have no anal muscles, I imagine at any point it can just give way. It's a kind of an arrow.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, right. It's more of a legless arrow thing.
And you have to hold it against your cheek. It goes right against your cheek.
And your arm, look it, your arm starts to shake. Yeah, yeah.
For no much longer, I can hold it. Shit.
Shit. Can you imagine the stress? Yeah.
This poor girl, by by the way i hope her butthole's fixed well i'm sure technology probably not though huh how do you do they have robotic anal buttholes now can you just well you know like um you know they have they give you bovine hearts you know that right you could get a cow's heart uh or cow's valves installed but not the heart but the valves really bovine from cows so i imagine maybe they do a bovine asshole can you get a bovine butthole anal steroids anal stenosis is the anal opening too small or does not relax open properly this may be treated with surgery then enlarge the anal opening i think she had the other problem i think it was too big you had to she had to wind it down an anal reduction oh yeah she had a reduction yeah i mean if they doing all that work on her ass, why don't they just put a new butthole in?

Just install a new one?

Yeah.

See, you know, that's the problem with your generation.

Yeah.

You got to fix what's going on.

You don't understand.

Yeah.

Don't throw it away.

Can you do my nose?

Yeah.

Like, no, the anal is what they're doing.

You can't get other things.

I want Botox on my cheeks, my nose.

You know what I mean?

You can't do that.

Your generation just wants to throw stuff away and buy something new.

How about fixing what you got? When it's a broken ass, I think just fix it. Fix it.
The ass is broken, the hole is, the whole thing isn't broken. Yeah, it's not, it's not.
Yeah, the ass was beautiful. It was a great ass.
It was a great ass, yeah. The hole was broken.
And that's fine, sometimes the hole breaks. I'm saying replace it.
I bet you there's somebody out there right now getting their ass broken right as we speak. Oh, that's an interesting question.
So, I'm not, you know, an ass guy. I've never had it in my, I have had it in my ass, but.
Yeah, what are you talking about? You're right, you're right. That's how we started the show.
But, what I'm saying, are there people that get anally, you know, people have sex with them anally. And does their butthole, does it deteriorate?

Sure does.

Oh, I see.

No, it sure does.

In fact, and prolapsing is a big problem.

You know about prolapsing, don't you?

I call it the tail.

The tail?

The tail when the tail comes out.

Yeah, yeah.

When your innies come out.

Yeah.

That's a real thing.

You can break your butt for sure.

I would do that though.

You'd break your butt?

I would keep it out.

You know what I'd do for Halloween?

I would put glue on it for on it

So I look like I'm like a rat tail or something

Someone comes to the door you're like trick-or-treat they're like what's your costume you turn around like oh

Yeah, yeah, but I would do the ears and everything

The ears the little whiskers. What are you a fox a little fox?

I don't know what I am

It depends on how long the tail is right well right i imagine yours is pretty long real long you got a three-foot tail yeah like the upper intestines are in the it all fell out yeah in that day it all fell out yeah i want to give a shout out by the way moving on from this disgusting conversation because we've lost some listeners uh god bless rest in peace to somebody we featured on this show i've been getting tweeted for the past two days waffler69 passed away uh this dude we showed him eating batman cereal he died how he died of a heart attack i think is that right or am i wrong it's right and he died uh a few days after he uh dm us to be on the show yeah he dm didn't want to be on the show and the guy fucking passed away. So rest in peace, Waffler69.
That's very, very sad. I thought he was so funny.
I know what we gotta do. We what? We gotta get a Ouija board.
To talk to Waffler69? He needs to be a guest still. I mean, we have the board here.
Do we have Ouija boards here? Yeah, we have one. We do? Yeah.
We have a fucking Ouija. Oh, wow.
These guys buy stuff sometimes without our permission. Why would you have that? Well,? well I gotta tell you they also Pete bought a condo on our company card what? and I can't get a studio apartment? well I don't understand well Pete also goes it's a business expense and I was like how? and he's like because I do business there and so we let it so Pete bought a condo on the company card isn't that true? on the bad friends card? yeah that's I mean I guess we gotta support it I don't know he's got a family do you know what do we want to take it away from him i don't know yeah definitely we definitely should yeah he's the guy if you ever want to he said i'm the guy in the post if you ever want me on the show eating weird shit with you i'm here for i really got sad just i got really got sad yeah no no dude i'm not and you know what's funny people tweeted at me for the past like two days or whatever and i haven't responded to the tweets because um i just didn't know what to say like i don't want to make any sort of inclination or joke about it because it was really fucking sad and we featured him on the show because i thought he was very funny and his shit was his page was filled with fun hilarious shit and he was very self-aware of like his brand so it was a fucking bummer man because uh rest in peace uh lisa marie died too from...
Rest in peace. Lisa Marie died too

from a heart attack.

Who?

Lisa Marie.

Presley?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Shut the fuck up.

Are you joking?

She's 54, yeah.

She died two days ago

or three days ago

from a heart attack.

Well, this episode

will be out in like a month.

Yeah, but still, it's sad.

But still, what the fuck?

Really?

Yeah, crazy.

And the mom's still alive,

Priscilla.

And she's like 90.

She's 70.

Yeah, she's 77.

Wait, she's 77?

How old is Lisa Marie?

54.

That's so young. So young.
Lisa Marie's song singer and daughter of Elvis dies at 54. Yeah.
Jesus. It sucks.
What's going on? Can we be honest? People die from heart attacks. Not really, though.
What do you mean? Is this from the... Is this from the...
Yeah. Is this from the...
Biden administration. Is this from the Biden administration? Yeah.
Is this some working from the Biden administration? The New World Order, though. But seriously, though, this is sad.
It's so sad. What the fuck? And by the way, Elvis is only child.
Do you know that? He didn't have any other kids that we know of. Yeah.
So that's it. Because Elvis' legacy now, there is no boy, Elvis.
He didn't have a boy. Well, he did have two child children though go on he had right he had her Lisa Marie and his wife oh yeah oh yeah that's right she was a child too she was yes she was so I guess he had a couple of kids yeah she had two kids yeah had a couple of kids yeah yeah that is so fucked man that wow sad is that her Did he die of a heart attack? How is that not in the movie?

What?

No one brings it up in the fucking movie.

How young she is.

They don't want to tarnish it.

Yeah.

Like one guy just a little too young in the movie.

You know they're going to make a, well, when Michael Jackson comes in,

what are they going to do when they make a film about him?

And by the way, who would play Michael?

Out of you two?

No.

Hee hee.

Whoa. That was Michael Jackson.
What was that? We just got two? No. Wow.
Hee hee. Whoa.

That was Michael Jackson. What was that?

We just got the Ouija board out.

You guys got the fucking Ouija board and that just fell on its own? Yes. In the fucking year

and a half that that's been out, that's never

fallen? Whoa, dude.

That's fucking great. He's here.
He's saying something.

He's already here. Okay, let's talk

to him. I'm dead serious.

That's awesome. I wish we could dim the lights.
Yeah, lights. Oh, we can dim the lights.
These don't dim. I can turn them off.
Okay, turn one off so we can talk to him. Waffler69.
And Pete, can you get back on the board so we can understand what his real name was? So I don't just call him Waffler69 because I don't know if his family would be chill about that. Because I want to respect the dead.
By the way, I do want to say

this. Let's respect the dead.

We are a fun...

We might not need this. No, no, no.
We should.

Okay.

Alright. We do want to respect the dead.

Let's see if we can talk to him.

Is this fucking mean?

It's a little mean. That's what I felt like.

I just felt like weird. Something hit

me in a weird way. Yeah, I regret it.
Okay, let's not do the Ouija board. Yeah.
I just felt weird. Something felt weird, right? Yeah.
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Are you fucking serious? There's one at the Universal City. Where do you think I got married? Oh that's right.
I put my feet in Bubba Gump. Were we not friends enough for you to invite me to your wedding? It was at Bubba Gump at Universal City.
Yeah but I was never invited. Because it was at Universal Studios You're not allowed there.
Oh, that's true. That's true.
That's a couple years ago Yeah, have I been to Bubba Gump? Yeah, I'm so fucking literally not I know but we should try why cuz every time I walk by there I go that can't be good. Well, let's go.
Okay. You know what? Curiosity have you been above Gump? I've never experienced Universal either You never did a city walk or no you don that with us.
Oh, yeah, that's it. No, I have it.
That's a Maestro's thing. I've never been to Maestro's.
She's good at this. She's so good.
She wants free shit. But I would love to go to Universal with you guys, but also, I have never been.
You've never been to Universal Studios? Yeah. What about the City Walk, though? I've been there on work as a production assistant getting release forms.
Oh, I see. But you've never been as a tourist.
As a tourist. No.
I've been, yeah. Well, there are two different things.
City Walk is, you could just walk. It's a mall.
Yeah, City Walk was okay. The Studios is the park.
The Studios is the park. You've never been to the park.
Never been to the park. And the same, we have to go.
We have to go. And also, you know what we have to do? Yeah.
Now, because technically I work for the mouse. You know, I technically work for the mouse.
Yeah, you do. Well, Hulu is owned by Disney.
It is? Yeah. Whoa.
Well, they own everybody. Disney owns us.
Do you know we sold this show to Disney? That's crazy. Hold on one second.
All right, kids. Do you want three for one passes this weekend? Click on the link below.
So we just have to do that every once in a while. Was that Elmo? Yeah.
That From Disney Elmo was The Tickle Me Elmo was such a creepy thing It's the best It's creepy to be like Ha ha ha ha Wait do you know who created Elmo right? Fuck sure a Japanese guy No not a Japanese guy Kevin Shields Kevin Clash Right Kevin Clash From the band The Clash? No, no, no. So, dude, listen to me, dude.
I am. All right.
This is a black guy. Okay.
What is... Wait a minute.
What? What do you mean? The way you said it. You were like...
I'll tell you why, though. A black guy.
I know, because... Because they don't like puppets.
They love puppets. I know, but you said Japanese.
Well, that seemed reasonable. I know.
They create most things like this. I know, but Kevin Clash, right?

That's his name, right?

Yeah.

So he grew up in Baltimore.

Yeah.

Focus, focus.

I'm listening.

All right.

He grew up in Baltimore and in sort of like, you know, a very not an urban kind of environment.

Go on.

Is that not the right word?

What do you mean by urban?

Yeah.

Buildings?

Yeah.

Like there's buildings.

Urban outfitters.

Oh, there's.

Oh, right.

He grew up in an urban outfit. All right.
So bad, bad, bad records. Yeah, bad records and bad clothes.
Yeah, yeah, cheap pillows. But my point is.
So Kevin Clash grew up in. Yeah, and he, you know, all of his brothers and sisters, you know, they went to school, you know, played sports and that.
Did you say brothers and sisters? What did you say? Brothers and sisters. Oh, his brothers brothers and sisters I didn't hear what you said

oh diamond died

we'll get to that

alright

everybody's dead

and by the way

this episode should be called

everybody's dead

yeah everybody's dead

anyway diamond dead

get back to it

remind me of diamond

right

but um

so he would like

watch Sesame Street

and goes

I wanna make that

and so he would go to

his mom's

you know his dad's like

fur coat

and just make puppets

out of it

his mom's fur coat

you mean

don't

Thank you. and goes, I want to make that.
And so he would go to his mom's, you know, his dad's like fur coat and just make puppets out of it. His mom's fur coat, you mean? Don't black people wear, men wear fur coats? Isn't that funny? They do.
Why don't we do that? Are we not allowed to wear fur coats as? I know, but black dudes wear black dudes do wear fur coats. Yeah.
Yeah. No, they still do.
I saw a guy outside wearing a fur coat. Yeah, that's cool.
Yeah, he was selling like watches? Charging cords. Oh, charging cords.
Yeah, for like the iPhones. Why are you guys whispering now? Well, because it's like we're not supposed to be talking about it.
We're bad boy stuff. And no one can hear us.
If we whisper, no one can. So anyway, he...
But then he went from that environment, got to meet, you know, Frank Oz and everybody. And then...
So he works at Sesame Street. And the Elmo..., they had two other guys had Elmo for years.

Elmo had different voices.

He had one time Elmo sounded like this.

How did that work out?

Not good.

Take your pants off.

Yeah, take your pants off.

Why was he take your pants off? Cookie Monster.

Be naked like me.

I'm Elmo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he was like that.

Another guy, what do you mean?

I'm Elmo.

Elmo. Yeah.
And then one day one guy just threw it at Kevin. Like you take this puppet.
No one could figure it out. No one could figure it out.
And he sat with the puppet. And he goes.
Squeezed on his nuts as hard as he could. Elmo like.
How else can he get there? I mean he had to like have someone kick him in the dick before he performed every time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because he looks like a big guy. He's a big dude.
How does his voice get that high? He's a pro. So tell me what happened.
And he sat in the mirror with this red thing. Hello.
Emerald. Emerald.
Emerald. Ladies and gentlemen, Emerald.
Yeah. Hello, I'm Elmoma I'm Elma Right And then he did He goes Every puppet Muppet needs A point of view Yes That's how they do it Yeah They find a point of view Like this one loves kids too much Or whatever Uh oh Yeah yeah That's Snuffleupagus by the way Yeah that's the That's why he said He said about what he did.
But Elmo, he goes, is pure what? Wait, he's pure. Elmo's pure juice, you know? Gay? He's not pure gay.
Oh, he's not pure gay. No, no.
Elmo is pure what? It's one word. Elmo is pure joy.
Joy. No.
Love. Love.
Love. Love, not joy.
Love. And that's what, what and then it became and now Kevin Clash became the showrunner of Sesame Street and he's still doing it today I think so yeah millionaire I love that story yeah yeah millionaire this guy because his heart is so beautiful that this guy's got a really good heart yeah and you can feel it through Elmo because when you listen and see Elmo is interesting this i'm being genuine don't be mean because i'm a huge fan of kevin clash come on buddy yeah i'm saying what's interesting is the embodiment of the of the puppet is based on the attitude of the puppeteer that's right so in the sesame street world yeah she is elmo elmo that's right you are cookie monster cookie monster yes i'm not cooking yes you are oh i know what you are then and i am oscar the groucher you love the show in the in the fan by the way groucher sounds like the european version yeah yeah when we're like Oscar the the Grouch, and like, Mr.
Groucher. You're right.
Mr. the Grouch.
So you're Oscar. 100%.
100%. I live in the trash.
Yeah, yeah. Elmo, Grouch, Cookie Monster.
Yeah. And that's Bert and Ernie if I've ever seen it.
Yeah, Bert and Ernie for sure. If I've ever seen two guys that are secretly fucking and we don't know about it.
George Kimmel is Big Bird. Big Bird.
For sure. Big Bird, yeah, for sure.
Bryce is Snuffleupagus. What? Bryce.
Bryce is Snuffleupagus. Yes.
He is Snuffleupagus. Hey, guys.
He is Snuffleupagus. That's who he is.
Yeah. He shuffles around the office.
You guys fucking see it. Yeah.
Who's Carlos? Beaker. No, but that's not Sesame Street.
But he might be Beaker. No, Beakers? No, Beakers from- Muppets.
Muppakers from Muppets Muppets yeah different Sesame Street is

oh fuck

I fucked it up

Carlos is

what about the

because I want to know

the difference between Muppets

let's see if I can get this right

uh huh

okay

do you know much about it

um

I just realized they're different

when you said that

yeah yeah

so I just

right

so the dog

right

yeah

which one's that

that Muppets

that's a Muppets

what's his name

Pooch

I'm going to go, We're using the Chinese name to pronounce it. It originally was Wolf, and they were like, Rolfo.
Yeah, yeah. Rolfo.
No, Rolfo is, if you watch Sesame Street, if you watch Sesame Street, you look at their version of Big Bird, he has a little thing, he opens his stomach, and you can see his – and Rolf is in the stomach.

Oh, my God.

What?

Yeah, because Big Bird's a Chinese.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

They ate Rolf. They ate Rolf.

They ate Rolf.

By the way, this is what's weird about Rolf, that picture that you're showing right there.

You know, he's blind.

That's why they have him looking up like that.

Right.

Rolf is blind.

Dude, that's the look of every girl that sees my penis for the first time. I know that look.
I know that look. Oh, my God.
It's always that. That is so funny.
So funny. That is literally.
Yeah. Because she's smiling, kind of.
Yeah. She's like, it's okay.
Also, it's like, should I? Should I? Yeah, like she's on the fence. She's also dead inside.
She's dead on the inside. Yeah.
Or you're watching her die right now. Right, right.
Or I should have gone to college. I should have gone to this dating app or whatever.
Yeah, yeah. That is so funny.
I know that love. So is Carlos Rolf? I don't mean it.
Oh, that's Muppets though. That's Muppets, yeah.
So give us the cast of Sesame Street. Yeah, I don't know.
I wanted to, let's do a game, okay? Yeah. So Rolf is, right, Miss Piggy, Muppets.
Yeah. Yeah.
Right, Kermit the Frog. Muppets.
Muppets. Yeah.
The vampire. The Count? Sesame Street.
The Count is Sesame Street. Sesame Street.
There's a crew. Oh, that's a crew.
Is that Bob Sackett on the top left? Zoom in. I didn't know Bob Sackett was.
Bob Sackett was on Sesame Street? Yeah, that, wow. Who is that? So what a weird, see, the ones I remember are Oscar.
Yeah, what about the little one right there? With the pink, with the blonde hair. What was that? I've never seen that girl before.
That's Jules. Yeah, that's Jules.
Oh, that's Jules. That's Jules in a wig.
And oh boy, that's, what's his name next to him? What's the blue man? What's wrong with me? Grover. Oh, Grover.
Maybe that's Carlos. Grover, yeah.
Maybe that's Carlos. That's Carlos.
Go over a little bit. Go over.
Well, there's Berger. Berger, there you guys.
Yeah. What's the big blue one in the back? Eric Griffin? That is Eric Griffin eric what's that what's that what is his name nobody knows you guys should know you have kids pete how do you not know this i don't i don't pay attention yeah good dad see this is the new thing about sesame seed they've added over the years oh that's what it is yeah yeah but there's the count right there kicking it hard oh you know what the problem with the count was what they kind of would would make fun he wasn't like in the main click he was like his own guy and they found out years later why no one got along with him he's he's on the spectrum he's autistic well because at first they were like it's cool he knows how to count but then at some point well he never stops yeah oh he doesn't stop like and he'll count like when he stepped when he's walking just like 400 400 right so he's autistic that's why i did not know that that's you're right yep yeah he just yeah autism ask this guy a date be like when you know wednesday uh wednesday you know uh in in november of 1912 you know he would he'll know yeah you know exactly you know he knows dates probably too that's what i'm saying yeah he doesn't know that one oh he does why does he do that he avoids talking about it oh he doesn't he's jewish well he's from eastern europe oh i see it's a little touchy yeah yeah yeah um because i've asked him i was like the count uh where are your ancestors from he's like we're from nibresca and i was like oh that's weird what what yeah Like, where are your parents' parents from? And he goes, from Maine.
And I was like, so you guys went from Maine to Nebraska to Sesame Street. And I was like, what about before then? And he's like, that was a different time altogether.
And then what about the Holocaust? One. Oh, I see.
Two. Right, that's what he is.
Three. And he goes to six million.
He'll start counting. He goes all the way to six million.
And then at the end he goes, that's how many people died. No, at the end he goes, he goes, five million, nine hundred, nine thousand, ninety-nine.
Yeah. Six million, so they say.
That's what he says. Oh.
He says, so they say why wow weird guy okay weird guy um show me that thing i just sent to you guys the other day will you please yes these guys got some this this okay this is a real thing this happens every year in the state of iowa it's called the husband calling competition i. I was put onto this from the internet.
This is a fucking real competition at the county fair. And you can look at the photo, you can tell it's Iowa.
And this is a real competition that people win every year. Look at that.
Look at the crowd too. Yeah.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
They didn't like my Trump joke. Yeah.
That does better than a Rick Glassman show. This is.
Sorry, Rick. He's going kill you he's gonna murder you let's hear let's hear the husband calling this country for a second.
First of all, this is the greatest country in the world. You're lucky to be here.
Yeah, exactly. Scumbag.
They should have a little meter of penises going down. Right? It's just like all the...
You know what I mean? All the husband's sick is going... You know what I mean? They take Viagra and see if they can still stay hard when they're yelling.
Stan! Stan! Yeah, I i love it real i love it yep that's the one sturdy bass on this girl man she's got it incredible Hey, honey.

Yeah.

Simon.

Yeah.

Simon.

Yeah. Simon.
Yeah. Simon.
Yep. John Brownit.
I hate it. I hate it.
That's enough. That's enough.
That's enough. That's enough.
That's enough. This is on public broadcasting? Yeah.
And crazily enough, CBS is going to make a show out of this. There's going to be a whole sitcom, Husband Calling.
They should also have the responses of the husbands. Husband's calling.
Danny? What? Oh, you think that? That's me. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
You know some of them are like... No, okay.
So it's either that or it's call me. All right.
Like Mark or whatever my name is. I want you to try.

Jimmy!

Yes, my love.

See, that's it.

Yeah, that's most of those guys.

All right, so give me another one.

I'll give you another one.

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

Oh, is that what that was? My bad, my bad. Yeah, see? Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Oh, is that what that was?

My bad, my bad.

Yeah, see?

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

Yeah, babe.

That's perfect.

Yeah, babe.

That's perfect.

Yeah, that's what most guys do.

Yeah, babe.

All right, you do.

I want to try. I want to be the husband.

Okay, ready?

Let's see if this is a real woman that lives in your home.

Let's say you're in love.

You find new love.

How hot is she?

Because if it looked like them.

Oh, but hey, careful.

Why do I have to be careful?

These are real people.

I love them.

Go on.

And they have ever, right?

But what I'm saying is that.

If they look like this woman right there.

Okay, if that woman looked like Megan Fox,

still your response would be a little different.

She might have, like 50 years ago. 50, 70.
50, you wish. This is 50 years ago, by the way.
Yeah. All right, so let's hear.
Let's hear. Ready? Yeah.
Bobby! Yeah? That's very good. That is very good.
I tried to be as real as I could alright now I'm Megan Fox Bobby what's up babe very calm she's pissed I don't want to start a fight because in 45 minutes I want to tag it you want to hit it you have to come in thing but you have to come in with like a mellow vibe dude and then at some point yeah one day she goes bobby bobby bobby bobby turn off your video games yeah i want you to meet machine gun kelly because speaking of machine gun i met him two days ago you're speaking to him right now it's so weird that you said his name I met him in the he was in the main room do you know that yeah yeah what's up I'm it's me what up hey machine hey man mr. gun Kelly mr.
Kelly I'll call you mr. gun then mr.
gun Kelly please mr. Kelly how how are you? What you doing in my house? About to fuck your girl, dog.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Explain to me what you would do about it.
Well, what I would do is I would probably... Megan! He calls out to Megan.
Yeah. I would probably delete every album I have of yours.
Oh, bummer. Won't do shit to me, dog.
And then he just starts eating glass. He's on Dave, by the way.
We announced that Dave season three is April 5th, and he's one of the people we could talk about. Cool.
He's a great guy. Him, Megan Fox, Don Cheadle, Usher, Rick Ross.
They're on Dave? Yeah, all these people. Hey, now, I saw a promo Gato posted today, and it was in front of a tour bus.
That's right. on tour this season And we're on tour And we're on tour this season Wait what Which one What kind of They're doing a musical tour though No no no On the show we did a bus tour Oh you did They did stand up comedy tour Stand up comedy tour Gato would rip I love him Dave would do well too It's kind of weird Gato's a great guy They all would do well Gato's a good guy I kind of want to say the other names that are on the show that blow your fucking mind, but I can't do it.
I know. I know.
It's so weird. Can't do it.
You have one guy. I'm not going to say it.
You have one guy who's probably the biggest star on planet Earth. Yeah.
And you have his pants. I have his pants.
Yeah. And it's also a little shocking that we had a talk at FX yesterday.
We had the press thing yesterday, the TCAs, which is, by the way. Nightmare.
One of the worst things imaginable. I almost grabbed the wheel of the driver's car to crash we on the way there so I thought if we get in an accident on the way there I won't have to do it did you ever do these but imagine they wheel me in on a gurney and they're like they're still asking me questions the press room Andrew how did you feel about this for all this season I'm proud to be a part of a show that has so much viewership

they would fuck I'm like I'm proud to be a part of a show That has so much Viewership They would fucking never let me out of it Did you ever have to do this where you have to wake up at 4 in the morning And call in They have 80 radio stations you have to call in From 4 in the morning to like 9 And you're sitting there just Talk oh my god it's the worst It on your um it's hard on your patience level because you go like room to room to room to room in a hotel in a fancy hotel and you sit and you talk to someone on a zoom computer or you talk to someone in a in like a quick fire rapid format question and it's all it's so hard it's not fun but they know it's not fun but we were the we were one, probably. No, dude.
We were the... Oh, I mean, I'm sorry.
As far as the network goes, because all the shows are there from FX. Oh.
They just get them all done. We were the who gives a shits.
Oh, right. Yeah, the whole thing was about the bear.
The bear is... They won a Golden Globe because Jeremy Allen White is the fucking man.
Yeah, yeah. And it's so funny.
Was Sterling there from Reservation Dogs? Reservation Dogs wasn't our day. They are not our day.
Our day was Justified, Bear, Dear Mama. Oh, Dear Mama, yeah, yeah.
The Tupac, about Tupac and his mother. But what was funny to me is like the whole fucking thing is supposed to be FX Presents that day.
It was all about the bear. The bar napkins had Yes Chef on them.
Oh my God. Matty Matheson, our boy was there though.
I love that. Our boyfriend.
Good kid. And on the way out, this is how demeaning this is.
This show's taking the cake for the network for sure. But this is how demeaning it is.
You went to an FX premiere party for your show and they handed you a gift box to go and it was compliments of the bear. I have merch at my house so I was driving home how does that make you feel though? Like shit like shit if I'm being genuine no jokes it doesn't I don't care I'm proud for those guys I think they're making a good show Chris Storer the crew one of the executive producers and creators writers he's the fucking man so it's kind of like i like everybody on that fucking thing lionel's on there who's the shit like i like that show i think they do a good job i have i have qualms with it because i'm from chicago that's a whole different thing but you know that's that's because anything from your hometown you're gonna be like well that's a little not like a but but you know what but it was did it hurt our ego not, but I saw that some of the other castmates were a little bit bummed that they felt like they were, you know.
How does it feel that, you know, your Netflix special? Netflix. You're on a hit series, Dave.
Dave. Series regular.
Series regular. And your partner's got nothing going on.
That's not true at all. Oh, wait, you forgot.
House party. House party's coming out.
That's out right now.

And beef on A24

with Ali Wong and Steven Yeun.

And a movie called Scrambled,

an indie movie I just did

that just made some of the festivals,

which is going to be huge.

How does it feel?

And I got nothing going on.

And can I tell you

the most important thing

on my entire calendar?

Yeah.

It's the Bad Friends Tour in 2023.

Okay, that feels good.

Thank you.

And I mean every single second of it.

That's all I have.

That's it. Oh, was that right? Yeah.
Are you clearing your February schedule? Yeah, you're clearing February, not going to Magnum PI again? Can I say something? Yeah, please. I make a dollar on that show.
Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah, a dollar.
A dollar. Dude, you're a series regular, that's a wrap.
You're a series regular on a show.

I'm reoccurring.

I love Magnum, but it's like not the same thing.

You know it's not the same thing.

I don't know what you get paid.

You're different than me.

Right?

And then it's like, I got nothing.

It's fine.

I'm asking you.

But it's a dollar.

How does it feel good?

Does it feel good?

I feel pretty good right now.

Oh, good.

You're on top of the world.

But.

Yeah.

But.

You got so much going on.

Congratulations.

The only thing I care about is Magnum P.I. I'm sorry.
I mean, our tour. Yeah, our tour.
Okay. The Magnum thing is cool because it's at the comedy store.
We're all really excited for that. One of those episodes, the manager there, Ryan.
Yeah. Patrick Shattuck.
He is in the episode with Bobby. We can't wait.
Yeah, we're really excited about that. I talked to the producer and stuff to get him apart.
He says no every time. But anyway.
That's not wait. It's, yeah, we're really excited about that.
You know,

and I talked to the,

you know,

the producer and stuff

to get him apart.

He says no every time.

But anyway.

That's not true.

It's hard to get you.

It's hard to get you.

I wasn't in season.

You're on fire.

I was in season

when you asked me.

No, as you're fucking,

you know what?

You're right.

I am Garfunkel.

Bob.

I'm Garfunkel.

Bobby.

I'm that other guy

from where I am.

I know what your name is. No, no, no, no, no, no no people know what your name is you know who you are what you're Andre 3000 and I'm and I'm Big Boy from Outkast that's a huge compliment that is he is a genius and he had to go do his own thing and Big Boy had to do some more business minded stuff and he says it I don't know he says it much.
He says it. I don't know much.
He says it in the song. Give me another example because I don't know.
I don't know. He says, because my N-word had to go and do a little acting.
And that's for anybody asking. Yeah.
Drip, drip, drop. There goes an orgasm.
We got you coming at the side of your face and tapping right into your memory banks. Thanks.
What he says was, my boy had to go do his thing. Yeah.
But God bless. We're still homies.
We're outcast. I'm big boy.
You're Andre 3000 and she's one of the she's part of the dungeon family. I don't know which one yet.
I just I wasn't there. I was just complimenting you.
That's all. And I'm very happy for you.
Okay. Thank you.
Can. Can I talk? Keep plugging.
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You know what, dude? I always go on Yelp for my food. Yeah.
And I thought to myself, you know what? I should do that with doctors. Because you're going to doctors all the time.
All the time. And look at ZocDoc is that.
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Okay, so I moved to a new neighborhood and we didn't know what to do. And we didn't know who to go to.
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That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash bad friends. ZocDoc slash bad friends.

That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash bad friends. ZocDoc.com slash bad friends.
Zocdoc slash bad friends. That's Zocdoc.com slash bad friends.
Zocdoc.com slash bad friends. Can I talk a little beef though that we might have? Between you and I? No.
I spent, I spent, I've been gone for four weeks. And for people that are like, if the episodes seem behind, we had to backlog some of them because I was out of town for a month.
One month promoting my special. And while I austin i got to see one of our very very very very good friends which is who mr adam egett love him and we took our dogs for a walk along the along the water beautiful and we spoke about something good and he said do you think bobby's serious about doing this podcast about star trek yeah and i said what are you talking about and he said bobby wants to do a podcast about spot about star trek yeah and i said he didn't tell me about that he said yeah he's dead serious really wants to do with me week to week and he said it could take the place of bad friends is literally what he said he said that's what you said it could take the place of bad friends do you mean that because we can call him and ask if that's what he said you said.
Is that real?

People that don't know Adam Eke used to be the manager of the comedy store.

He also was on Norm MacDonald's show.

One of Norm's probably closest friends.

Tragically lost him,

but there he is.

With Norm.

Do you care to comment?

I'm going to.

May I talk?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Number one, that's a half truth okay okay imagine if this was court yeah it's a half truth half truth your honor okay some of that shit is real number one it's a little bit yeah all right number one him and i are obsessed yes with deep space nine, right? Number two, I've been trying to listen to podcasts with Deep Space Nine. You know what I mean? Where, you know, Star Trek podcasts.
Sure. And they're not funny and they're not great, right? So I said, I called Adam.
I go, are you interested in doing for a year? That's not what he said. That's what I said.
Okay. For a year where we wear the fucking costume.
He thought you said do it for a year, not for a year. I'm going to call him now.
He's saying the same thing. Yeah.
I'm going to call him now. You're going to kill him now? Yeah, Adam Egot.
And I spent some time down Austin. And I got to tell you.
You're not going to move there. What? No.
It's fun though hi i was there right before you i had a great time oh yeah juice went there and sold some and sold out some shows famous amos over here hey man we got a problem dude yes we do what's wrong you know what the problem is dude don't play dumb i'm gonna say this too Don't play dumb. The last time I called you, you fucking betrayed me on the show.

So, um,

what's going on, Adam?

Why are you lying to me and then saying

something else to Bobby, dude? Adam.

What's going on, man?

So you should know what, man? Hey, man!

Hey, chill out, Adam. Hey, chill, chill.
It's our show.

So what I'm asking you, dude, is this,

bro, alright? I called you

to do a Deep Space Nine podcast, no? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you and I were coming up with names, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I said tube grubs would be a good one. Yep.
Yeah, because that's what Ferengis, Ferengis eat tube grubs. You know what I mean? I feel like space Jews.
Space Jews is a good one. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, so you told Andrew Santino that I wanted to replace tube grubs with bad friends? That's not what I said.
What I said is that you and I would do- He's either a fucking liar or deaf as fuck. Deaf as fuck? I love it.
We walked along the water and you said to me, Bobby says he wants to replace bad friends with tube grubs. That's what I said at all.
Adam? Bobby doesn't believe you one bit, bud. No, I believe.
I believe Adam on this, dude. Bobby doesn't believe you at all.
Yeah. You're a fucking idiot.
You're a fucking idiot, dude. You're a redheaded idiot, right? Tell him.
I hope your network special is going to fucking bomb. Bomb.
Fail. Thank you.
Thank you, dude. So anyway, you still want to do tube grubs, right? Yeah, but can we not call it that? All right, just throw me some names.
We're never going to get laid anyway, dude. We're fucked.
You think you're going to get pussy from a Star Trek podcast, you loser? Fucking loser. I love you.
So you you, bye. So you lie.
Be honest, you lie. Yeah, I was just starting some shit for the show.
Whoa. Hey, man, you got to mix it up.
We did walk along the water with his dog, and it was maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. His dog is a puppy, but it's strong as fuck.
It's got to be 60 pounds. Yeah.
Almost pulled him into the lake three times. I'm not even exaggerating.
Really?

Jerked his arm out of his socket.

Really?

His dog is a puppy, but its paws are this big.

It's going to be fucking humongous.

Oh, that's so fucking beautiful.

And his name is, or her name is Dice.

Dicey girl.

I love that guy.

Dicey girl.

He's a good dude.

Adam, one of the best humans to walk the earth.

One of the best of the best.

Speaking of good humans, let's take some time to acknowledge that juice jet ski johnson uh is the baby bird is starting to fly without us because she's selling out shows all over the country she goes she literally said this is what i heard to the grapevine she's smoking a cigarette and chris rock is there chappelle is there louie is there it was wild where it is out at one of the arenas that they were doing they invited they sent a car to pick her up you know down in Texas she goes and shows up she's ripping butts outside she's smoking with Dave with Chappelle and she goes I gotta be honest with you Chappelle you're Dave Chappelle I gotta be honest with you. Just over fucking bad friends.
I didn't say it quite like that. How did you say it? Well, he was like, Juice.
Juice? Juice. Juice.
He was like, don't quote me on this, but he said, Juice, you gotta leave that podcast. Dave Chappelle said she should leave the show.
Interesting. What was your response? I said, I just got to hang in there a little longer.
I owe it to them. You know what I told you about signing into our contract? Uh-huh.
We got to do it. We got to do it.
And it's got to be one of those Sea Org Scientology ones? Yep. One billion years.
One billion years. One billion years Sea Or Org and remember that she was here after me because now she calls me with such an attitude she does holy shit Fancy literally texted me and goes don't know what's up with Juicy but she called me a Spanish bitch and then she hung up the phone she goes you Spanish get it done Spanish bitch tubular I'm learning from you guys you're my mentor are we rubbing off on her well what are you gonna do man that's our style you can't blame me for anything we have to lock you in i think i'm being real but if you i sign a contract with you you have to sign a contract with me fair fine what does the contract say um that we stay friends i can't sign that i love you i can't sign that you have to say hi to me no no no no no i'll't sign that.
I know I love you. I can't sign that.
You have to say hi to me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'll never sign that. I'll never sign that.
I got recognized at a pet co. Go on.
Wait, you texted me that. Yeah, it was crazy.
Wait, what was the story? I've only been recognized out in the world. Like, usually it's at a comedy club.
So out in the world, maybe four times real world in the real world yeah yeah and uh and yeah i went yesterday to petco to get some treats for my dog and the guy goes what's your number to for the account and i put it in he goes have you been here before i love this go ahead yeah like a hundred times and he's like have i talked to you and i don't know man but I should be in the system and he's like no I just I'm a bad friend oh that's so fucking cool that's so fun was he cute? he was cool he looked pretty young but he was cool I love that I thought there was a problem with my account no problem with your account and when that happens do you blush? I just stay chilling I oh that's cool stay chill i go that really made my day and it's like it made my day and it was just really nice and cool chetski that's fucking that like makes my heart so warm i love that the code how cool this guy was that he goes i'm a bad friend oh it's awesome i feel like we're in a game speaking of which that's much better than uh that's much better me on the flight. What happened to you? I told this on your mom's house, but it was so funny.
This guy. I have headphones on.
I'm watching a movie on my iPad. What does that say to you? Talk to me right now.
Talk to me right now. Wait, wait.
Middle of the flight. Wait, you're first class? No.
Yes, of course. Sure.
Yeah. Right.
Can I be honest? Is it a flight attendant? No, it's a human on the flight. So somebody else on the flight, is he walking by or is he sitting next to you? No, no, no.
He's nowhere near me. He walked up to me.
So from coach to first? I don't know where he came from, but I'm going to assume. That's very important.
Yeah, from coach. He came from the back.
That's a no-no. He was by the bathroom.
Okay. He comes up to you.
You're watching something. Engaged on my iPad.
Headphones on. And then he interrupts you? Stands right over, like standing on top of me.
Yeah. Leaning on my seat.
What does he say? And then he goes like this. He goes, hey.
And I went like this. Oh, shit.
I went, what's up? Like real slow. Real slow.
What's up? And I take up my headphones. And he goes, do I i know you this is what the first i do wait but he said do i know you and i thought there's two ways to go do i know you no no no no he said do i know you from from something first of all not somewhere something he already knows no no no he doesn't you don't think he does no he knows he recognizes me but he can't put it he can't put his finger on it so he says do I know you from something and I said I don't know man I don't I don't think so and he goes you're not a celebrity oh my god and I said I don't I'm not I've done this I've done I'm not.
I know you do that because when we went on the road, people would be like, do I know you? And you go, no. No.
I literally am like, no, no, no. And he goes, you don't, I don't know you from a, you're not a celebrity guy? And people are not looking.
People are looking now. People are looking at me, so I'm more embarrassed than I usually am.
And I go,'t sorry and i didn't so and then he goes okay and walked away like annoyed yeah but what did you what did you want me to say imagine how much of a fucking cunt i would be if i'm like what's up do i know you from something probably yeah and then he goes are you celebrity and I go yes I'm a celebrity because I'll tell you why I've had this happen right yeah do I know you from somewhere yeah man I was on that TV and I did some movies I'm on a no, I don't know. Right? Now you're in the business of throwing your credits out.
He's hitting them with a little bat. You say Mad TV.
Yeah, yeah. Is that a show? Yeah, it was a sketch show that we competed against SNL back in the day.
No. What else did you say you were on? A couple of sitcoms, splitting up together in animal practice.
Splitting up animals? Yeah. I did some movies.
I was in the two Harold and Kumar movies and I did The Dict the dictator oh wait wait wait wait yeah harold and kumar yeah no um uh where do they go they go to wendy's white castle yes yeah who are you in that i just played kenneth like a kid at school kenneth kenneth kenneth kenneth kenneth kenneth nope doesn't ring a bell what else, no. That's not even a real...
Pagabelli, my other podcast. No? What's up with animals with you? Let me ask you something.
Do you eat a P.F. Chang's? Sure as fuck do.
I'm a busboy there. I said it's where I've seen you! Now you have to do that.
Yeah. You have to do something weird at the end.
Because it's uncomfortable. Yeah, so that's a lose-lose.
Well, so I was being as nice as I could, but I have to just keep saying no. You've seen me say no, but I have to do something weird because it's uncomfortable yeah so that's a lose-lose well so i was being as nice as i could but i have to just keep saying no you've seen me say no but i have to go i don't think we know each other man i think i look like some i always say i think i look like someone you might know no you lie let's do a lie now what what you do i'm gonna yeah i'm a guy now you do a lie yeah do it hey excuse me hey what's up am i interrupting yes very much I'm kidding oh my bad no no I don't even like my bad no no no anyway I'm curious because I saw you because I'm a coach I walked by you I saw that right and the way you're crossing your fist anyway I no no no I just yeah I know do you we can smell you we can smell you coming is the problem yeah well we have a little light that goes off when we know someone's gotten up and coming up here.
Diptyque. Oh, it smells good.
Yeah, yeah. That's good.
Diptyque. Candles.
Yeah. Well, anyway.
Well, they make candles. Do I know you from somewhere? I think you do.
Yeah. What is that? Because I look at you and I go, oh, my God.
It's like so familiar. Well, I started on a sitcom when I was a child.
I'm an actor. When I was a child, I started on a little sitcom.
It took place in a small town in the Appalachian Mountains. My dad was the chief of police.
Oh. Does it ring a bell? Was it in black and white? It was.
Oh. No, I don't know.
I don't know. It's interesting.
You knew it was black and white. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't look about.
Yeah, well, okay. So I was an actor, I did that.
Wait, wait. I also did a show.
Let me ask you something. Are you a director too then? See, because I know, I know.
Did you direct Apollo 3? I sure did. 13.
Ron Howard. Can you imagine? I see where you're going.
Yeah, would the guy really say? If I said I'm Ron Howard, he would never dare to go, no you're not. Yes he would.
No, he would have to go, you look nothing like Ron Howard. I look exactly like Ron fucking Howard.
Tell me the difference between that guy. Alright, if you were wearing a baseball cap, yes.
Yes.

That's me.

That's you. That is you.

That is you.

Or you flip the script on him.

Yeah.

Oh, I see.

Whoa, is that a director term?

Yeah.

Flip the script.

I like that.

So I could do one.

I could be a director too then.

Okay, ready?

Go ahead.

Excuse me.

Yasu?

Oh my God, it is you.

Exactly.

I'm, I... Hey, hey.
Oh my God. Yeah, yeah.
Look, oh my God. When you do it.
When I was a kid, I watched all of your films. Everything.
And I have to tell you. Everything? Of all the years that you did your thing, when you working with Chris Tucker it was I had to change my accent I could do that I had to get younger younger that's me can we take a photo Yeah, No actually I No thank you Oh Yeah yeah Oh Anyway quick me You Wow Turns out Jimmy O-Yang is a jerk That was a good switch Wow That was a good burn Thank you Yeah yeah very good Miss Do I know you from something? I don't know.
What's your name? Anyway, I was sitting next to him on the fly. I just followed my friend over here.
I told you. What's your name? Yeah, you look so familiar.
We know you from something, right? I'm Jesse. Who are you guys? Jesse.
Jesse. Jesse Ventura? Yeah, Jesse Ventura.
Are you the body? Are you the body? No, no. Have we seen you in movies? Yeah.
No, I'm from Arizona.

Did you guys grow up there?

No, we're not allowed there.

We're not allowed there.

So wait a minute.

God, you look familiar.

We said that on the whole life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You guys look familiar too.

That's really clever, by the way.

That's really clever.

Just switch it off.

This is very good what you're doing.

This is what you do.

That's what you do.

You do a reverse Jedi thing.

When someone goes like this.

Okay, you pretend to be the guy again. Yeah, yeah.
it'll happen Ready Go ahead Hey Am I Sorry Do I know you Kevin How the fuck Have you been Wait I'm not Is your wife Is your wife still Going through that cancer Yeah I'm not That's cancer surgery's cancer surgery? I'm in college. I don't have a wife.
I haven't seen you in so fucking long. That's so good.
And you look good. Yeah.
You look good. You look a little fatter than you used to be, but you look good.
Anyway, I want to go back to my seat. Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going, buddy? No, I just. I read it wrong.
Take my number. No, I don't know.
Take my number. Okay, what is it? Then this guy wants to get away from you.
I want to do one. From excuse me Sir Hello Well you should You should I don't know why I feel like I know you from something.
Oh, my God. Hello, Dr.
Montgomery. What? No.
Yes. William Montgomery.
Look. Look, I'm alive.
Because of you. And then this guy goes, yes, you are.
And you should thank me. Bong Joon-ho, thank me for what I did for you.
Wow, so you reversed it on me. Right, and at some point, now where do you go? You walk off the plane thinking, am I Bong Joon-ho? I don't think so.
Oh, I see. That's how it goes.
We found you. Can you show him that TikTok, by the way? I got sent this no less than 10,000 times yeah tagged with you this we got tagged I can't even look at this guy you have to I've seen it a thousand times well watch it again that's all I get tagged in is this guy oh my god I gotta watch it I had 102 DMs 102 DMs just for this I can't even watch it again I've seen it a thousand times we're watching it right now on the show.
My son so dumb, IQ 21. He tried to make friends, but they call him Ching Chong.
He ate the wonton, but he fat like King Chong. He's so ugly when he smile, he look like the King Kong.
My son useless, can't play ping pong. He tried to get a date with the girl so young.
But she said, hell no, because he not the handsome. And my son so broke, can't buy the Yeah Yeah So Yeah Yeah So Good What Replace Bobby I would never well that's that's when I that.
If he comes in with a banger like that. I know what I'm saying is that.
Please don't. I promise.
It'll hurt me. It'll burn me.
By the way, though. IQ 21 couldn't get a date with Sue Young.
I mean, the layers of this motherfucker. Right.
It's so fucking good. Pretty good.
We got to get this guy. Bobby jealous.
He's one of us. He's Korean.
He's one of us. First of all, you're a better musician.
I love it. You're a better musician and you know it.
Okay. But he's really, really good.
He's pretty good, yeah. He's really good.
He's really, really good, yeah. You know what I watched last night? What? That I love watching.
I'll revisit now because season two is uploaded on the internet, on Netflix. There's a show.
They send little Japanese kids to the market by themselves. I've seen this one.
I've heard of it. I love this.
What is it called? Kalata watches it. Dude.
It's so cute. It's the cutest fucking show.
I love it. You've ever seen in your life.
They will send little Japanese kids to the market. That's old enough.
So all the footage is like from years ago. But this is how beautiful and safe of a country it is, Japan.
They let a fucking four-year-old just walk down the road with groceries. It's like sending Bobby to the market.
Oh my God. Well, I imagine you don't do your show.
That's why I don't say hello sometimes. I'm sorry.
It's because you're rich and powerful, not because you're dumb. But this is, by the way, tell me.
They say black babies are the cutest. I don't know.
Asian. Everyone says Asian babies are the cutest.
No, people argue black. My money's on black babies for sure.
Yeah, black babies are the best. But Asian babies are very, very close.
Well, here's what I like about Asian babies. They look like adults.
And they're not far off. What do you mean they look like adults? Well, a couple of inches, and that's just a grown Asian man.

What's the difference between that guy? You're saying that Asian men look like babies.

Yeah.

All right.

You're saying that doesn't look like your brother Steve.

Bring up a picture of Steve.

That looks just like Steve.

That is Steve, yeah.

Okay.

But, okay, see, on the second row, the first picture, that's Ken.

I think that's Ken. Oh.
No, no, no, that's not him. That's the other one.
He's three years old. What a cute kid.
Fucking Duke Ken. Duke Ken from Old Enough.
Right in Ken from Old Enough. Let's see a little Ken.
That is a little Ken. I was right.
That was a little Ken. This guy's a fucking, he's a king.
Look at him. Look at that little fucking G walking down the street.
By the way, not only does he get groceries, he got a few extra fun things. Yeah.
He's a child he's a king look at him look at that little fucking g walking down the street by the way not only does he get groceries he got a few extra fun things yeah he's a child i can't go to the grocery store i get scared i get lost i get nervous i go home i do it every time but 30 years later he's in a cubicle wearing a suit watching bad friends with 10 000 other fucking agent look at look at him look at him he's got a little flag oh's so cute. But you know what's fucking wild in that thing around his neck? That's all booze.
His sake is in there. And he sips sake all day.
They don't feed him any food. We should go there and see if we can get one.
Get a Japanese kid? Imagine a van. It would be so easy.
Well, they'd let him just walk around like that. Yeah, so you were driving the van.
Yeah. I open the door.
I swoop him up. Wait.
Nothing weird. Well, I'm stronger than you.
Can't I swoop him up?

What?

I'm driving.

You don't want me to drive? No, no, no. I'll drive.
Yeah, that's what I do. Why can't we let her scoop him up? Yeah.
Can you scoop? Well, I should be the driver. That is true.
Yes. You get the legs.
I'll get the arms. And we'll just.
Scoop. Well, just a little hammock swing at the kid.
Throw him right in the van. And nothing nefarious.
Is that a nice one? No, no, no. We just want one nearby.
We want one nearby. Well, what if he just sat there in front of us? That'd be great.
What would he be doing? Like taking notes? He just makes noises every once in a while. Yeah.
Yeah. They do have...
When I do hear like little Japanese animations and stuff, I wonder where the noises do come from. Because every artist has a thing.
Their source material is what? Like when you see Japanese cartoons, it's always like,

Where does that

come from? Where does that

come from? Well, I'll tell you what it is.

Because it's not always words. It's just sometimes

just, it's

you know. Emotion.
Emotional

noise. Right.
And also a lot of the

words is what they think something sounds

like. Like what? Juk-juk.

Juk-juk. What is that?

Did I tell you what juk-juk means? Have I told you

Thank you. And also a lot of the words is what they think something sounds like.
Like what? Juk-juk. Juk-juk.
What is that? Did I tell you what juk-juk means? Have I told you guys what juk-juk means? I don't remember on this show. Juk-juk.
Do you know what juk-juk means? It sounds familiar. So when you're with Koreans, right? And you say to like from Korea.
Yeah. And you go, juk-juk.
You know what that means? Am I saying it to the Koreans or at them? If you went, what do you mean to them? What's the difference? No, I'm saying like, am I talking about a Korean or at a, to a Korean? You have, it's at, not about. Okay, okay, okay.
Right, right, right. All right, relax.
Relax, Juk Juk. No, but, what? Relax, you fucking Juk Juk.
Okay. What does it mean? I don't know.
So Juk Juk means, let's go fuck. Oh, because it sounds like, Yeah, well, I asked the Korean girl, I go, what's juke juke.
What does it mean? I don't know. So juke juke means let's go fuck.
Oh, because it sounds like juke juke juke juke. Yeah, well, I asked the Korean girl.
I go, what's juke juke? He goes, no, that's sound he make. Juke juke juke juke juke juke juke juke juke juke juke juke juke.
Yeah, and in a weird way. No.
No. No, no.
In a weird way, no. It never sounds juke juke.
Because if I heard that noise, I'd stop. If I'm like...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I would like back away.

What the fuck?

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What would it sound like if you were trying to say it to someone, let's go have sex, what

would it sound like?

That sounds like a stabbing.

I guess...

Yeah.

You sound like an alien.

Yeah, you do.

What is it? Okay, you sticking your penis in a vagina. What? What is it?

Okay, you sticking your penis in a vagina.

What does it sound like?

Go ahead.

No, that's...

What, you're giving an abortion?

No, the vagina eating my cock.

No, it would not do that.

There's no way that would make that noise.

That's the noise.

Yeah.

That's it and out.

Yeah.

But my noise, if someone was like,

you want to go have sex,

would be like,

hey, hey, hey.

Her, her, her. This is my noise.
This is real Yeah. But my noise, if someone was like, you want to go have sex, would be like, hey, hey, hey.

This is my noise.

This is real. This is my noise.
Ready? Juice, if you wanted to signal sex, if you were like, we got to have sex, what do you do? What's the noise? Probably like, go use a vibrate oh that's what that is

alright

so funny

if a guy's like

do you wanna

and you're like When I used to go on the road Every weekend I would leave a massager In my hotel room What do you mean So I would get picked up for press on Thursday I don't like where this is i mean either for some reason i don't know but our instinct was yeah we just instinctually but go ahead i want to hear the rest yeah maybe it is no i want to hear it i'm scared i would i would get picked up from the club owner or whoever does the press right and at the end of like the three or four like radio shows, right, I would go, can you drive me to CVS?

They go,

yeah,

okay,

why?

Do you need toothbrush

and toothpaste?

Yeah.

Toothpaste,

yeah.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

I would go

and I could come out

with a box.

What's in the box?

A gigantic massager.

A back massager.

Like a plug-in massager.

You know the wands?

Okay.

Yeah,

but it has the two,

sometimes it has the two

little knobs there.

Yes,

right.

Yes.

She'll bring it up, bring up those back massagers so she can, Jesse, because Juicy doesn't know. Yeah, but it has the two, sometimes they have the two little knobs.
Yes. She'll bring it up.

Bring up those back massages

so she can,

because Juicy doesn't know.

Yeah, yeah.

Say with two little knobs.

Yeah, two little metal knobs.

Yeah.

This is true.

I do know what these are.

I've seen these before.

Yeah, I would get one of those.

There it is.

That guy.

There it is.

I've seen those.

I would probably drop like,

you know, 100 bucks,

150 bucks on one.

They're pretty expensive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, this was 30. You got fucked at CVS.
Yeah, so it's something like that. That is exactly what it looks like.
Exactly what it looks like. And at the end of the weekend, it would just be, that massage would be sitting there plugged in inside, you know what I mean? In the hotel room.
And I always felt bad. I should have washed it because I felt bad because on the knobs, right? There'd be like this white flake stuff on it.
So gross. So gross.
Yeah. You would use them.
You'd buy a massager in every city. There was a, no, there was a moment.
There was a, I discovered something because I, I'm so embarrassed. No, you're not.
Yeah, I'm embarrassed. Yeah.
No, you're not. So, you know, years ago, you know, you would talk to girls.
I use a vibrator. And I thought, oh, can guys use a vibrator? Yeah.
Yeah. guys use a vibrator yeah yeah and i've discovered yeah you sure can you sure can you're sure like that right so what you do is you lightly on the head of your penis you just lightly yep and for me it gave me the greatest it was phenomenal yeah orgasm so you're allowed yeah you shouldn't feel bad yeah you left it for the next user.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what's so funny? Is that not only would I leave that, right? Sometimes I would leave a DVD player.
Oh, my God. I swear to God.
And a flat screen. You're not good with finances.
Wait, in the hotel? In the hotel. You would buy an extra TV? I would buy an extra TV, a brand new DVD player, and a vibrator.
Because back in the day, the early 2000s. Do you leave the movie in too? What? Do you leave the movie in? Or do you take the movie? I take the movie.
Yeah, so I would go to New York. Because the movie is small.
Yeah, and it's the same one I'm guessing every time. Because back in the day, in the early 2000s, you just wasn't, porn on the internet wasn't.
Didn't happen. Didn't happen, really.
So it's like, you would have to go buy a DVD player. Go buy, because sometimes the DVD player wouldn't fit with their, you know, sometimes hotel TVs.
Yeah. They block off the little blocks so that, you know, because they want you to use their entertainment.
Of course. So I get my own flat screen and the vibrator and I would go to the, I would probably spend $700.
Is it cheaper to use their entertainment? Is it not cheaper to just buy the movie at the hotel? No, they're always the garbage. Yeah.
He wants good shit. Yeah.
I want good shit. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
In my generation's wasteful. Yeah.
Well, first of all, he was leaving it for others to use. No, but I would leave a note at the end.
That's true. I would leave a note at the maid or whatever and go, here's a free TV, free DVD player,

and this massager thing.

You might have to wash.

And you'd sign it Harvey Weinstein.

Why?

Harv was here.

Because the hotel room.

Harv was here.

And it was some sex.

That was embarrassing.

That's the most expensive.

What do you leave nowadays when you leave a hotel?

How much do you leave on the counter for the cleaning lady? A lot. Seriously? Oh, yeah.
Well, because you devastate a room. I do.
Like what you do. I devastate.
This is the maid coming into my room. You've been in my room, right? Yeah, I have multiple times.
It's a devastation. This is when the maid comes into my room after I'm left for a weekend.
Oh, well, that's nice. Okay.
Yeah. And there's a maid coming into your room.
Yeah. What happened to this room? Yeah.
What happened to the poop? Poop on the wall? No, no, no. The poop, the poop.
Blood and poop on the wall? No, no, no, no. The poop, no, no, no.
Blood. No, no, the poo and blood.
Poop and cum, blood, poop and cum. No, that happened one time when I was using.

That happened one time when I was using. It did happen.

But don't use that as a thing. Okay, how

much money did you leave that made in Mexico when you pooped

all over the walls?

About $50. $50.

Yeah. How do you poop on a wall?

I didn't poop on the wall. That was all

inclusive, that hotel. Yeah, that was all

inclusive. No, you didn't poop on the walls, but you threw

up all over the room, and there was poop on the door. Because you held poop in your door.
You wiped it on the door. Yeah, you're right.
We moved past it. You bring it up on the phone.
Wait, but tell me. But tell me.
What do you leave nowadays? We go to a hotel. What are you leaving? Right now, today, if you and I go to a hotel somewhere else, what are you leaving? Food, probably, mainly.
No money for them. I do.
How much? That's my point. I mean, how much money are you leaving on the table well every time i have a woman a woman a person friend a friend clean my room i hunt them down kill them no no no no no like i'm an assassin i'm not an assassin no you can't repeat what you saw here no i would walk like because usually i of my, because usually they clean during the early, in the morning or in the early afternoon.
Yeah. Right.
But I don't get up till four. Correct.
Right. So they're already kind of done.
They're done. So I feel bad.
Right. So I'll go to a woman, you know, or man who's cleaning.
Yeah. And go, hey, dude, here's 50 bucks or 40 bucks.
Can you clean my room? So I do that. That's nice.
Right. So, but the end of a long weekend, what do you leave on the counter? Sometimes nothing.
The tipping thing in this country is insane. I've been here for- Not this fucking cheap fucking- No.
Wait a second. Let me explain.
Let me explain. There's no way to argue it.
Well, let him get his point out. Why don't you- Right, like, if you have a job, why don't you get paid to do that job? Why do I have to pay for the hotel and for the service? Why do I have to go to a hospital and give tips to the nurse you don't you never tip a nurse no one's ever done that i would just advise to do that when i have a kid so they are nice to you to like leave uh five dollar cards for every single nurse the 25 people there you know what this is very america word he just said i didn't either I was genuinely I was just stop getting passionate stop getting passionate because you don't know what you're saying when he waves his finger I lose all I blacked out a little bit slow that fucking down I literally I got nervous yeah yeah that was insane it was it was like it didn't even exist fans in my response to you Andreas you, Andreas, yes.
Let's move on. Yeah, move on.
Yeah, whatever. Fine.
That's insane. You know what, though? Yeah.
We got to fire this guy. I know, I know.
We keep playing this game. That was my last one.
That's fireable. Yeah, yeah, that was fireable, yeah.
I know why he's doing that, though. Why? To tip the medical profession.
Because his wife works in the medical world. So he's looking to sneak tips into her.
He's playing this fucking reverse psychology. He's like, oh, what do you have to tip everyone? You should be tipping the nurses and the people that work at hospitals.
His wife works there. You should tip your podcast producers.
I got a tip for podcast producers. Watch your fucking mouth.
Watch your fucking mouth. That's a good tip.
Let me say something. So you and I both know a guy I can't say his name Right? Yeah But you and I both know a guy A great guy Go like this so I can see What you say I don't know Yeah Okay And he was saying that When he We're not leaving you out by the way You actually don't know this person You don't know this before your time.
You know, I was working with him maybe a month ago

and we were talking

and he goes,

we were talking about his kids

because I've known him

and his wife for so long.

Same, isn't that wild?

I love them.

Yeah.

And he was like,

we were talking about his second,

his son,

and he goes,

I go, well,

do you have a nurse?

And he goes,

well, not right now with my son.

And I go, why?

And he goes,

well,

I had to fire a nanny and i go why he goes i was at work because he works at a corporate place and he was watching the monitor because he has a monitor and the nanny was beating his son oh no are you fucking kidding i thought this was going to be funny no holy shit she really are you being serious wait there might be more no that's it she was hitting the kid that's not funny but so what they had to do is this right dude she was beating him yeah so what he had to do they had to go to the police yeah and then they had cops in his house he he hired the nanny another day she walks in and the cops came in and arrested her like a SWAT team like a SWAT team wow because they have it on tape oh he record you can record yeah wow let me guess what he didn't tip that nanny that was my point with the nurse thing maybe that's what it is you you're giving them money the nurses so they would treat your child with respect well yeah just to make sure i get an insurance i guess yeah like one time we had a cleaning lady and i guess i wasn't paying her enough and she upper decked us in every she pooped in every top toilet seat in my house if you saw but if you saw on a monitor some nanny doing that to your six-month-year-old son what's my instinct yeah what would you do what'd he say what would you? What did he say? What did he say? I go up to her and I go What did he say? Gaga goo goo He needs to shut his fucking mouth I see what you're saying I mean it's like It depends on his attitude No that's not true Let's be real about it What would you do? Okay Don. Don't be comedy.
I'm not. Yeah, you are.
I see your smile. Yeah.
What's your name? My nanny? Your nanny? Yeah. Felipe.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Really? Yeah, I'm Felipe. Okay.
Hey, Felipe, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah. I saw on the monitor today.
Yeah. I think I saw you strike my child.
Oh, that's your child? I thought it was a piñata. Is that a piñata? While I appreciate the comedy.
I wanted candy. That's why I thought.
I understand. And we have a drawer filled with candy.
I told you, you can eat whatever you want. Yeah.
Why did you hit my son? Sorry, sir. I thought it was pinata, right? I hit it with a stick.
That's it, Felipe. Back to China with you.
I'm from Mexico, Felipe. Really? Because you look and sound different than I think.
Yeah, that's not what you would do. No.
I feel like if that happened to you, right? That nanny would no longer exist. That's right, dead.
Yeah, you beat my kid, I'd kill you. Yeah, I'd kill you.
You would kill him. Yeah, but if somebody spanked my child, if he was like six or whatever, like four to six, that's fine.
Smack him in the fucking ass. Maybe he did something stupid.
No, no. You don't touch my child.
Nah, you beat him sometimes. You got to beat some life into that fucking kid.
Otherwise, the world is is gonna hurt. Yeah, what else are you paying him for? Fact.

Andreas, never hit your kid. Yeah.

Don't lay your hands on that kid. Bring him to me.

Because it causes so much trauma.

Don't know. You remember all of it.

I know, babe.

I remember. You remember what?

What if you want him to be a comedian?

Oh, that's right. You beat him.

If you want him a funny? If you want him to be talented, name a talented guy that wasn't beat. You know what I mean? I'd light his crib on fire.
And be like, you have a cigarette? And the whole crib is surrounding on fire around him and just be like, see if he can get out. See if he can get out.
That's what Mitzi did to Polly pretty much that is true I've heard those stories are crazy

he was like

as a baby screaming

in his crib

and slamming his head

against the wall

she let him do it

and she would just laugh

yeah

and he's doing fine

there's like a sound bite

of her telling the story

and she's like