R2D2 & C-3PO Are Fathers

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 3 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 3 We're bad friends. Guess what? What?

Speaker 3 We invited a little roach here today to be at the studio.

Speaker 3 Show yourself.

Speaker 3 A little piece of scumbag from the tiger belly vert. Look at this scumbag.
This mullet-hauling scumbag. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 The roach.

Speaker 3 The roach is back.

Speaker 4 There he is with his new baby. isn't it funny to see these two guys together these two guys are dads stop standing on them it's yeah basically in the in the star wars universe who are they r2d2c3

Speaker 3 right

Speaker 3 aren't they yeah yeah yeah just buffoons buffoons yeah just foolishness i mean the the one

Speaker 3 100 that was dead on r2d2 you are r2d2 for sure but and and you're as annoying as

Speaker 3 yeah george every time even as a kid i saw i was like boo i hated it. George, do your best C-3PO impression.

Speaker 5 Well, I believe you've talked too much, Andres.

Speaker 3 That sounds like you, and that is him.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Well, the English accent is gone.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but it's fine. He's fine.
Well, can you do a British accent?

Speaker 4 Can you do a British one? I thought that was a British accent. He is.
Oh, my God. Now the roach is back.

Speaker 3 The roach is back. And also, one of the sharpest-dressed cats in town that I've ever seen.
Yeah. What was that? Was that your cat? Your ant.

Speaker 3 That's your cat? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Okay, come on.

Speaker 3 That's how a cat sounds to you?

Speaker 3 Yeah, that sounds better.

Speaker 4 Wait, wait, what kind of cat is it? Is it a house cat? I feel like you're doing like a...

Speaker 3 That's a barn cat. A barn cat, yeah.
Something feral.

Speaker 3 Have you ever raised a cat? Not like a cat. Have you ever seen a cat?

Speaker 4 Have you seen a cat?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I've had cats in my house.

Speaker 3 Oh, you have? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm more of a dog person, but my sister had a cat growing up.

Speaker 3 Isn't everybody more of a dog person?

Speaker 1 No, there are some people are cat people.

Speaker 3 No, I know, but you know, those people are.

Speaker 3 He's not more of a cat person. He built a cat sanctuary for like 50 grand.

Speaker 3 Shut the fuck up, man. You did.

Speaker 4 I did, but shut the fuck up.

Speaker 3 It wasn't 50 grand. They're probably on their scratching poster.
They don't do dollar bills. Well, how much was it?

Speaker 4 They don't go out there.

Speaker 3 Is it done finally?

Speaker 4 It's done, and there's like a little opening. And I sometimes, yesterday, I opened up the two flaps and they just kind of looked through it, and they won't go through it.

Speaker 3 And then I go, it's 20 grand.

Speaker 3 20 grand. Can I live in it?

Speaker 3 It's outside, but sure. Yeah, but it's a free spot.
It's a free spot. Actually, you do have to pay the rental.
I was going to say, I.

Speaker 4 No, you have a solution.

Speaker 3 We got to get her into her own place, so can it be in your little cat sanctuary? Yeah, okay. But you have to dress up like a cat.
Really? Every day?

Speaker 4 No, I mean, just have catnip on your body so the cats go out there.

Speaker 3 I don't want them in my house. Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 They won't go out there. Yeah.

Speaker 4 But it's a bummer that just don't go out.

Speaker 3 I know. But you know what?

Speaker 3 That's how it goes.

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 3 That's the way the ball rolls, baby. You do something and something doesn't happen.
And something doesn't happen. So you just have to let the world just let it happen on its own.

Speaker 4 Like with kids and stuff, right? You guys have, you have a baby on the way. Yeah.
You have two now, George. Yep.
And in your head, you have dreams for them, correct? Oh, big dreams. Right.

Speaker 4 It's never going to work out.

Speaker 4 They're going to go the opposite direction. And I can only.

Speaker 5 No, my son is on the CEO track.

Speaker 4 That's my plan for him. No, his son, what do you think?

Speaker 3 Artist. No.
What is his son going to turn into?

Speaker 4 I think his son is going to turn into.

Speaker 3 Janitor?

Speaker 3 Maybe.

Speaker 5 CEO of a a janitor company, I might allow him to be a job.

Speaker 3 He's on the entrepreneur. He might be the janitor of a CEO's office.
Like, he might clean a CEO.

Speaker 4 He's the janitor at Netflix Corporate, but he tells girls that he works for Netflix.

Speaker 3 And kind of, he does. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 But he is that douchebag. Right.

Speaker 2 Right? He's cleaning.

Speaker 3 That's good. Your son's going to be a janitor.

Speaker 4 A janitor at Netflix.

Speaker 3 Your daughter is going to what? Only fair.

Speaker 3 Yeah. But she's going to have free subscriptions.

Speaker 3 She won't even charge. She won't even charge.

Speaker 5 I would kill myself.

Speaker 3 Would you really kill yourself?

Speaker 5 If it was free subscriptions.

Speaker 3 If she was doing great at it,

Speaker 3 we could only hope.

Speaker 3 Wait, wait. If she was doing badly at something like that.
If she's doing poorly at selling herself, then you'd be bummed. But let's say she's one of the top one percenters on OnlyFans, your daughter.

Speaker 3 What are we talking about?

Speaker 5 I'd be a little embarrassed at first, but three months in, I'd start bragging to everybody about it.

Speaker 4 What is this feeling? If your daughter is on OnlyFans, she's like, Dad, I'm just doing bikini shots and stuff. And then you subscribe and she's actually doing insertion.

Speaker 4 I want to know what that feeling is like.

Speaker 3 Well, why are you subscribing?

Speaker 4 Because you would investigate. You're like, I think my daughter's lying to me.

Speaker 3 But she can see who subscribes.

Speaker 4 No, you create a different name.

Speaker 2 So you've done this.

Speaker 3 No, I don't know about that.

Speaker 3 But you've subscribed to OnlyFans under fake names.

Speaker 4 No, it's under Bobby Lee.

Speaker 3 Everybody knows what he is. Yeah, but why do you do it under your name and not under another person's name?

Speaker 4 I don't want you to ask that question. I know why.

Speaker 3 Tell me.

Speaker 1 You like to get recognized.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Juice, juice, juice, juice, juice. Let me tell you something.
That's a half truth. That is such a full truth.
It's not a full truth. Yes, that's a full hard on.
That is an absolution.

Speaker 3 You get a boner when people know that you're present. It's not that.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 4 In my twisted head, since I'm single, I think, oh, maybe I have a chance.

Speaker 3 With the girl on OnlyFans. Yeah.
But you know, they're not even doing those. They're not running those accounts.

Speaker 4 I know. I realize that.

Speaker 3 It's like teenage boy. Do you not know this? No.
They don't run the accounts. They hire out these third-party companies to do all the work.

Speaker 3 So they take the photos and then they send the photos and videos to like a company. And then they're the people that I know a girl who chats for other girls.

Speaker 3 And she gets paid a fuckload of money to chat. Because every time they chat, it's like 20 bucks.

Speaker 1 A girl, you know?

Speaker 3 Yeah, so it's me. Big fucking deal.

Speaker 4 But sometimes they'll have like these broad, uh,

Speaker 4 you'll get a message, right? And they do these broad messages like, what are you doing tonight, baby?

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 4 Oh. And the first time that happened, I responded as if it was specifically to me.

Speaker 4 I have two shows, one at the list,

Speaker 4 and then like nothing back. And then I realized, oh, no, it's just like this gigantic, broad thing.

Speaker 3 Or what if that was specific?

Speaker 3 You got to keep responding just in case. One day it's going to be them.

Speaker 4 You think that I'm going to go, I'm going to have two shows, and they're going to be like, oh, cool.

Speaker 3 Can I get tickets? I'd love to go. Yeah.
You never know. You may, maybe, maybe.

Speaker 5 How many teenage boy, they would definitely be like talking to him for Bobby. That's right.
Like, hey, can I get tickets to the show?

Speaker 3 You got it.

Speaker 3 How many girls are you subscribed to? Or have you? Subscribe? Maybe?

Speaker 4 They're all people I know, though.

Speaker 3 Ten's a lot. I know.

Speaker 3 Is it is it? Well, I'm zero, so I think 10 is a lot to me.

Speaker 4 But I'm subscribed when they're liars.

Speaker 3 What do you mean? How do they lie? They lie. When they say, like, you're going to get more of this and this, and you know, they don't get it.

Speaker 4 They'll go, hey, do you want to see my breasts? Yeah. You know what I mean? And then you $50.

Speaker 3 $50 for their tips?

Speaker 4 I know. And then you press it, and it's like them still in a bikini, and you're like, I could have saw that in your Instagram.

Speaker 3 You're a liar. You're a liar.

Speaker 3 And I always call corporate OnlyFans authors.

Speaker 3 There's a liar.

Speaker 3 Hello, OnlyFans Corporate.

Speaker 4 Hi, Bobby Lee here.

Speaker 3 Oh, God. Hey, what's up?

Speaker 3 One of our top subs is here. Thank you.

Speaker 4 Also, can this say, I mean, this is not my complaint, but it's like, can I get verified?

Speaker 4 I need the blue check mark.

Speaker 3 Hey, can you tell us some of the recent credits that you've got in television or film?

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, I'm on the Bad Friends podcast.

Speaker 3 That's pretty good. Thank you.
But that's not going to get you all the way there. Anything else? I opened for Tom Segura.

Speaker 3 Yeah, one more. Maybe one more.
Yeah,

Speaker 4 I did a Michael Bay commercial.

Speaker 3 How long ago? 25 years ago. Okay.

Speaker 3 All right, sir. Well, then tell us what's the problem.
What's going on with OnlyFans that you're upset about?

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, so I spent $50 on this girl, and she said, do you want to see my brass? And I'm like, oh, and I, well, she doesn't respond to me because she always says, like, what are you doing tonight?

Speaker 4 tonight and then I always say like I have two shows and she doesn't respond but anyway my point is is that I um I spent and it was just a breast and it was the same photo as an Instagram so I paid $50 for no reason

Speaker 3 it's false advertising sure is yeah thanks for calling bye

Speaker 3 that's it how could you win there's no way to win could you imagine trying to file a lawsuit saying that you're you know the false advertising I didn't see the nipple because tits are tits That's true.

Speaker 3 That is true. Because the breast is still a breast.

Speaker 1 You got to be a specific.

Speaker 3 You got to say, can I see your nipples?

Speaker 4 Oh, I see. So do you want to see my nipples?

Speaker 3 and then you want to see my nipples on my tits? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 3 Well, I mean, what if she has no breasts?

Speaker 3 But there was no nipples.

Speaker 4 It was just the breast part. Kind of cool.
Like there was some sort of accident that happened. And she got her nipples.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's cool.

Speaker 4 That's kind of cool. Yeah, because it's like, you know how sometimes you take the eyebrows off of photos from people and they look different?

Speaker 4 Maybe when the nipples are gone, it completely looks like a different thing.

Speaker 3 They look blue.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. They might look different.
Yeah. I I don't know.

Speaker 4 I kind of. Well, what about the vagina? Like, if the vagina had, like, no lips.

Speaker 3 Or like a dick.

Speaker 3 Nope. What do you mean? Like a dick coming out of it?

Speaker 3 It was a lipless vagina? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Would that change the it would change the look of it?

Speaker 3 I'm thinking about it right now.

Speaker 1 I know what you guys are describing. What? What?

Speaker 3 A Barbie doll. Yeah.

Speaker 4 But the Barbie dolls don't have openings. I've tried.

Speaker 3 That's what I'm saying. To look.
To look? Well, I mean, I've no, I mean.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 I've been at

Speaker 4 a Barbie before and I look and I go, it's just like a flat surface.

Speaker 3 Crack her legs open. She's not a chicken.

Speaker 3 You just crack it? Out of anger.

Speaker 3 There's no magic. But you're right.
Barbie dolls do have. Barbies have smooth tits, no nipples.
Yeah. And they have a slope.
Yeah. Yeah.
Juice, did you have Barbies?

Speaker 1 I actually used to bury my Barbie dolls.

Speaker 3 Well, sounds like a story time. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 I don't know why. I would cut their hair and then they'd look weird and I'd go but you know, I grew up in the desert.

Speaker 1 So it was like s the suburbs, but the backyard was all dirt and I go back there and bury them

Speaker 3 and my dog would go dig him out and chew him up and my mom do you know why your dog did that naked dirty chewed up do you know why you're my god dude this is like dahmer shit yeah well i got it out of my system that's right because your dog knew they were still alive that's right and that she the dog could hear

Speaker 3 yeah my dog's my best friend so she was like i better finish them and she started routing How many Barbies did you bury in the backyard?

Speaker 1 I would say like three to five.

Speaker 3 Three to five. I didn't have like an unlimited amount.
But wait a minute. So you got bought these and was your mom never like, what happened to your dolls?

Speaker 1 I think we just laughed about it. Maybe she was scared to ask me.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 Your mom, your mom. I should ask her more.
I used to do that too.

Speaker 3 I used to bury little toys. Oh, she definitely thought it was weird.

Speaker 4 Do parents have inventory of what they bought the kid? Like, I don't know if as a parent, I'd be like, oh, what happened to the PlayStation that I bought my son three years ago?

Speaker 3 Well, PlayStation's a pretty obvious one. That one's a big one.
Or the ball. Well, balls, balls.
Kids the balls, right?

Speaker 3 But Barbie dolls, if she only had five of them and they were all gone, at one point your mom would be like, didn't you send Barbies? Oh, that's right. What happened to the fucking Barbies? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Do you have limits on what you're allowed to buy your kids? Like, do you have a discussion with your wife over like, can't get too many gifts and all that stuff? Also, get off the Apple box.

Speaker 3 I want you at ground level.

Speaker 5 I try to, but she keeps on buying stuff. I got into a Montessori.

Speaker 3 Ooh, congratulations.

Speaker 5 And then I did a half a day of research and I've told her we need to have a Montessori household. And then she keeps buying other things.

Speaker 3 What is a Montessori? It's a school. It's like a Catholic school almost.

Speaker 5 No, no, it's a where smart kids go, like the heads of the Google Loggy of Montessori. He's on the C.

Speaker 4 How do you know your kid is a smart kid?

Speaker 5 Well, no, it's a, it, you make things small for kids, so like they have little tables. It's all things like it's very kid-centric, but treating them as adults.

Speaker 3 Isn't Montessori like a

Speaker 3 school, but it's religious-based?

Speaker 5 No, but this is more just like training them.

Speaker 5 Here, let me just stop talking and look it up. Training them.

Speaker 3 How are you training your child?

Speaker 5 So it's a lot of wood, natural stuff.

Speaker 3 Wood? What? It's a cult. Montessori toys.
It's a cult. It's a cult for a baby.
It sounds like a cult.

Speaker 2 It sounds like a baby cult.

Speaker 5 Well, for smart babies, yeah.

Speaker 4 How do you know your baby's smart? We don't know that yet.

Speaker 5 He knows twice as many words as normal kids at his age. He's a genius.

Speaker 2 Who would say that?

Speaker 3 Who told you that?

Speaker 5 Well, every time we go to see the doctor, it's like, how many words has he been saying?

Speaker 3 Like, 40.

Speaker 5 Oh, well, usually kids are speaking 20 words this time.

Speaker 3 Let's check out your lying.

Speaker 3 You're lying your way into a Montessori.

Speaker 3 You've lied. And he's okay with it.
What you're going to unfollow him? He just lied to you. Yeah, you're a liar, dude.
Just like those girls, unfollow.

Speaker 4 But he wants, I guess he wants to believe that.

Speaker 3 Well, here's the deal. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Part of the growth of a child that we've seen is that the support from the parents makes them believe that they can do something.

Speaker 3 So he's tricking his kid into thinking he has the ability to do something. I'm raising him as a genius.

Speaker 3 Honestly, it might work to a degree until he has to take a test.

Speaker 4 But yeah, but the ones they realize they're not, they go into

Speaker 3 great department.

Speaker 6 They go into comedy.

Speaker 3 What? What did you just say?

Speaker 3 What did you just say, filmmaker?

Speaker 3 He called you the F word.

Speaker 3 Did you say filmmaker? You think you're so great?

Speaker 3 Piece of shit. Piece of shit.
God, dude. I'm not doing the short notes.
We work with scumbags. Yeah, he's out of the short notes.
He's out of the short note. Yeah, there's no way.

Speaker 4 That's interesting, though.

Speaker 3 No, comedians, I'll tell you, you want the basis for comedians? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Selfish, insecure,

Speaker 3 attention-needing

Speaker 3 people pleasers

Speaker 3 who

Speaker 3 see the world in a weird way. can't explain it when they're young, then they get old enough to realize I can make money off how strange my brain is.

Speaker 3 That's probably my greatest assessment of what I think most comedians are. I disagree.

Speaker 4 Go ahead. I think it's

Speaker 4 being

Speaker 4 there's some trauma.

Speaker 3 I don't think everybody has trauma.

Speaker 4 I know, but I'm just saying the comedians that I like.

Speaker 3 All trauma.

Speaker 4 Not some trauma, but also being...

Speaker 3 You like her? She's no trauma.

Speaker 4 Left alone. I know, but that's why she's great on the show.

Speaker 3 No, but I mean, in general, she's a great comic who's not comes from. I know.

Speaker 4 I'm not saying that all comedians that are good come from that background it's the comedians that i tend to you like the most gravitate toward you know what i mean there's something going on so you're some abandonment you know uh-huh yeah and they just need or daddy issues daddy issues or something yeah you're like you know

Speaker 3 normal you are probably the most normal comic i know yeah where you grew up in a very healthy

Speaker 1 i grew up with a lot of adult figures in my life but i but i every it was always full of love yeah there was like my parents were divorced so we moved like probably between the two of them, like 20 times.

Speaker 1 And I moved like four schools. So I've had a lot of change and not like a normal upbringing, whatever that is.
But, but I've always felt like loved.

Speaker 4 That's really cool. Yeah, but as a kid, would they like, if you had feelings, would they listen to your feelings?

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 think yes and no. My biggest thing was just like, because my parents are divorced, I'd never be with all my family.

Speaker 4 But if you went up to your mom and you went, Mom, I'm feeling sad today.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 What would she say? You're 24. Stop talking like that.

Speaker 3 You're 84.

Speaker 4 If you were sad today.

Speaker 1 If I was sad, my mom would be like,

Speaker 1 don't smile.

Speaker 3 Don't smile. Don't smile.
Don't smile.

Speaker 1 And then she'd start cycling me

Speaker 3 over psychology.

Speaker 4 My dad, this is my dad. This is my dad.

Speaker 3 Daddy, what?

Speaker 4 I feel sad today.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah? Yeah. You're going to feel worse.

Speaker 3 Something like that. Or he would just go, no, no.

Speaker 3 And then walk away. Right.
And go, oh, my feelings don't count. Right.
Oh,

Speaker 3 we never, we just, we grew up in a, we don't really talk. Irish people just don't talk about their feelings.
It's the weirdest. It's so weird.
It's weird. We don't say it.
Nobody says anything.

Speaker 4 That's why the Asians and the Irish get along. Get along because of the railroads.

Speaker 3 The railroads. We didn't talk.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but maybe there's some connection there.

Speaker 3 There's got to be some really deep.

Speaker 4 Deep connection.

Speaker 3 Well, because we're a suppressed culture as far as we're not supposed to talk about our feelings. We're supposed to be quiet.

Speaker 4 Well, you were an oppressed people.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and you you don't. From England, right? You know what you guys do? What?

Speaker 3 You'll never see an Irish person or a Korean cry in public.

Speaker 4 Never seen that. Never.

Speaker 3 Never. I don't even know if Irish people can cry.
Yeah. Because if they do, they do it inside their house, in a bathroom, and they cover their mouth.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Because

Speaker 3 it's just a cultural thing where it's like, don't show people that you're weak.

Speaker 4 I think

Speaker 3 it's like a working-class attitude. It's like you can't show them that you're hurt or you're down.

Speaker 4 I remember my dad, when my grandmother died, I saw my dad and I go,

Speaker 4 hey, dad. And he goes, grandma die.

Speaker 4 And then he just walked away.

Speaker 4 Like there was no tears or anything.

Speaker 3 I was like, oh. Grandma died.

Speaker 4 It's so abrupt. It's so abrupt.

Speaker 3 But it's also like it's just sometimes culturally, people aren't emotionally.

Speaker 3 The phrase, I've said this on the show, the phrase that always bothered me,

Speaker 3 if I said to my parents, like, oh, this and this and this and i'm bummed about this and this and this and my parents both of them would be like

Speaker 3 it'll be all right

Speaker 4 dude it's so mad it's so weird it'll be all right it's like okay well that doesn't help me at all right but like but do you as a kid though because i remember i recall still a self-awareness as a kid thinking

Speaker 4 it this is weird yeah oh no i knew maybe that thought process of like i i because you watch tv not that not that i i knew that, like, Leave It to Beaver was like a completely fake

Speaker 3 too high.

Speaker 4 But I had such the opposite extreme. I knew that there was a middle ground there, and I didn't have it.

Speaker 3 Where was it? Yeah. It was there.
Just like that you had in the desert. It's so funny.
Yeah, no,

Speaker 3 I think we could all use that a little bit more. More middle ground.
Yeah. That's why you're such a pleasant person.

Speaker 1 I think so. I think a lot of the trauma is by people around me.

Speaker 3 So I like.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 well, look who just just showed up. Wait a minute, Bob.
Yeah. A half an hour late.

Speaker 4 It's unbelievable. 3:30.

Speaker 3 It's 4 o'clock.

Speaker 4 Andre said. She's going to blame it on me.

Speaker 3 She's going to blame it on me, but it was all her fault. Andre said 4.

Speaker 3 Did you?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh, no. So, whose fault is it?

Speaker 3 It's so your fault. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. He was like, she's going to blame it on me.
She's going to blame it on me. Dude, you're C3PO.

Speaker 3 That's a C-C-3PO move, dude.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah. You're an R2D, too.

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Speaker 4 Display. You know, Andrew, when I was a kid, I had to have posters on my wall.
Me too. And over the years, they deteriorate.
Yeah, they go away. Yeah, they get screwed.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 They get ripped yellow from the floor.

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Speaker 3 Look at this. Yeah, and listen, you can hear it.
Yeah, it's all metal. This is metal, bro.
Right.

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And you just stick them to the wall.

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This is some of our wonderful artwork that's made by fans and friends and our family.

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Speaker 1 Hi, I just woke up.

Speaker 3 I can tell

Speaker 3 what's going on. Put on your phone, put on them cans.
Four o'clock, so you did come on the right time. But Fancy Bee fucked it up once again.
Yeah. Well, and you know,

Speaker 3 this is the thing with this show.

Speaker 3 Sometimes it's cute that it's that it's chaos and crazy. Other times, the guy puts on a fucking jacket and a collared shirt, but he can't tell when the people are supposed to be here.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 How do we trust?

Speaker 4 There's no trust.

Speaker 3 How do we trust?

Speaker 3 Congratulations, Argentina, by the way.

Speaker 4 Congratulations. Amazing.

Speaker 3 God bless Messi. God bless Messi.

Speaker 4 God bless him. He deserves it.

Speaker 3 Greatest of all time?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think so. Greatest of all time.

Speaker 4 I think so. I mean,

Speaker 4 the argument is Ronaldo or him, Cristiano, Ronaldo.

Speaker 3 They both, I mean, Ronaldo has a better record. But Messi.

Speaker 4 But Messi is

Speaker 3 honor to watch. Messi Messi.

Speaker 3 Messi, Messi, Messi, Messi. Messi?

Speaker 4 I think we should still talk about the family and all that.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry to know what I'm working working. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 Do you want family stuff?

Speaker 1 This is how much he doesn't talk about his feelings. He's like, let's go to sports.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 I mean, he went from like real, real talk to sports.

Speaker 3 Well, because sports is family to me. I know.

Speaker 3 There's a problem there. I know.
Yeah. All right, you want to talk about, let's talk about family then.
Go ahead.

Speaker 4 I guess maybe the momentum slots.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 3 Well, why'd you try to go back?

Speaker 4 Well, I think she fucked it up.

Speaker 3 Who, Rudy? Yeah, walking in late. But it sounds right.

Speaker 5 That's what she does.

Speaker 3 All right, that's fine. You know, here's my thing.
Well, let's do it real fast before we show this. Okay.
Rudy, how do you feel about the way you were raised? Were you happy?

Speaker 3 Um,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 3 Well, your dad abandoned you, yeah, yeah, but I get it. What do you mean?

Speaker 4 No, I understand that.

Speaker 2 I mean, you look at her and you're like, it's hard to stay.

Speaker 4 I can't say.

Speaker 3 I mean, like, my dad, he left. He left and did drugs and went to prison because it was like, what do I choose? Cocaine? Or raise this little redhead?

Speaker 3 Cocaine.

Speaker 3 Nah. Cocaine.
Cocaine? Yeah. Cocaine's better than redheaded.
A little red-headed boy? I didn't know that. A little freckly-faced, ugly, red-headed boy.

Speaker 3 One look at that, and you'd go, I'm going to go do cocaine. I would do heroin.

Speaker 3 That's what I'm saying. Cocaine's not hard.
Well, you have to start somewhere. Yeah, I wouldn't just disappear.

Speaker 3 Well, that cocaine gets you there. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Cocaine is basically.

Speaker 2 Does your dad, he's still alive, what, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah, he's alive. Yeah.
I love tweets.

Speaker 4 Just even going here.

Speaker 3 No, I push the mic with with my chair.

Speaker 3 I do it all the time.

Speaker 4 Was it your dad's dick?

Speaker 3 Yeah. Oh,

Speaker 3 yeah, he's alive. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Does he, you talk to him?

Speaker 3 Yeah, sometimes.

Speaker 4 Is he proud of you?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 4 Is there guilt?

Speaker 3 What do you mean? Is he is do I?

Speaker 4 Does he feel guilt for not raising you?

Speaker 3 You know, I'm not him, but I assume for sure.

Speaker 4 Yes, I think there's something there.

Speaker 3 I think for sure he's sad that we're two different.

Speaker 3 You know, we're,

Speaker 3 I'm a grown man. He's a grown older man, and he sees me now as an independent vehicle.
So it's, we're two people just in space.

Speaker 4 Let me ask you this: if your dad called you, your biological dad.

Speaker 3 That's who we're talking about, yeah. I know, yeah.

Speaker 4 And he's like, what does he call you? Andrew.

Speaker 3 Ann.

Speaker 4 Ann?

Speaker 3 Ann. Oh.

Speaker 3 He goes, and? And?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 And.

Speaker 4 I'm going through a little difficulty.

Speaker 3 Can you let me? Do it with the Chicago accent. Ann.

Speaker 3 Yeah, all your accents are the same.

Speaker 3 It's one thing.

Speaker 4 Well, give me an account.

Speaker 4 Do a Chicago thing, and then I'll, so I can get my mind wrapped around.

Speaker 3 A and it's dead. A and it's dead.

Speaker 3 No, we did the best I can. But the A's, the thing you have to know is...

Speaker 3 In Chicago, A's are A. Like, so dead.
Dead. Dead.
Dead.

Speaker 4 And it's dead.

Speaker 3 Oh, hey, Pop. Hey.
What's going on? How you doing?

Speaker 3 Are you eating right now? Yeah, yeah. Sounds like you're chewing on something.

Speaker 4 I'm in a Philly cheese thing.

Speaker 3 You're in a Philly cheese thing. Yeah, delicious.
Man, you love it. Anyway, hey, Ann.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Hey, I'm going through a little bind.

Speaker 3 You're in a bind or you're going through a bind?

Speaker 3 Both. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you're in a bind.

Speaker 4 I'm going through a bind.

Speaker 3 Forget about it.

Speaker 3 Okay, bye. No, no, don't forget about it.

Speaker 4 No, don't forget about it, Ann.

Speaker 3 Okay, you know, you know, and you know, are you using again?

Speaker 3 You don't sound sober.

Speaker 4 I'm just doing some cocaine.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Back to square one.
You just

Speaker 3 anyway, Ann, how you doing? I'm good.

Speaker 4 Anyway, hey, um, and I'm going through a bind

Speaker 4 in a bind. You're in a bind, right? And I need to borrow some cash.

Speaker 3 How much?

Speaker 4 Can you loan your pops 15 grand?

Speaker 3 Dude,

Speaker 4 are you being real?

Speaker 3 Phone's hung up. Really? No.
15 grand? No. If he said he needs 15 grand,

Speaker 3 what for?

Speaker 4 I just can't pay rent.

Speaker 3 Oh, shit. And I can't eat.
Oh, shit. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Sorry about the abandonment.

Speaker 3 That's okay.

Speaker 4 Is that where you slide that in? I think you slide it in and there.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 In the beginning? I just go, that's a bummer, man.

Speaker 4 Are you being real?

Speaker 3 I'd say, well, we'll try to figure it out.

Speaker 4 Would you compromise?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Like, it's like haggling. How about four grand?

Speaker 3 I'll give you three.

Speaker 4 You know what? I have a feeling.

Speaker 3 All right, I'll give you one.

Speaker 4 I have a feeling that you would.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I probably would.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't think I'd be in that circumstance, but I probably would.

Speaker 4 Wait, because he's so

Speaker 4 he just can't get humble enough to ask you.

Speaker 3 Well, he wouldn't need it. He doesn't need my money.
He's fine.

Speaker 4 He's fine. In a bind, like, or going through a bind, whatever he or dad said in the fucking sketch.

Speaker 3 Well, what did he say in the sketch? He said, You're going through a bind. All right, well, how about this?

Speaker 3 What happened? Tell me what happened.

Speaker 4 Ann.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 How you doing?

Speaker 3 We already

Speaker 3 did that. Tell me what happened.
I bet we did that.

Speaker 4 Also, you know,

Speaker 4 Ann, you know, I got a house.

Speaker 3 I know. Right, and I had to,

Speaker 4 I'll be honest and vulnerable in front of you, right? I had to give, I had to take a loan out of my house. Oh.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 Yeah, people do that all the time.

Speaker 4 Because you know your Uncle Sammy.

Speaker 3 Uncle Sammy.

Speaker 3 You know old Uncle Sammy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember him.
He's going through a bind.

Speaker 3 everybody's in a bind just hey everyone in the centino family bound bound

Speaker 4 so you know he was going through something and you know he had a little cocaine thing too and it transferred over to you it transferred over to me right and then i lost the house oh right and um right now i'm at the holiday inn oh that's nice yeah but i have one more day left of finances and i'm i'm done they're gonna keep me out on the street damn yeah well

Speaker 3 hold on. I have another call.

Speaker 3 Are you being real?

Speaker 3 Bob.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 3 My biological dad is on the online. He's asking for money.

Speaker 4 What is he going through?

Speaker 3 A bind.

Speaker 3 Would you do it? You know, I don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 3 A genuine answer? Yeah, genuinely. I don't know.
I actually. Are you being fucking kidding? He's your fucking dad.
He's going through a bind. You gotta help him.
How did he get binding?

Speaker 3 You don't have money.

Speaker 3 15 grand's not a lot. How did he bind? How did he bind? I just told you, Uncle Sammy.
Well, he went through a bind.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't know. Really? My genuine answer is: I don't know.

Speaker 1 Maybe you could recreate some moments you lost of your childhood before you gave him the money.

Speaker 3 That's true. There you go.

Speaker 1 He could push you on a swoop.

Speaker 3 He could go back to the time you were.

Speaker 3 Or I'll sit back on a stoop and he'll actually show up this time.

Speaker 3 And you give him $1,000 each moment.

Speaker 3 You recreate moments from my childhood that you fucked up on. And I'll give you a grand every time.

Speaker 4 Hey, Ann.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Pop. What's up?

Speaker 4 I got the cancer. Oh, shit.
I don't have health insurance.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 4 I'm going to die if I don't get the chemotherapy.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah. I need 15 grand.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't know, man.

Speaker 4 So there's no love there.

Speaker 3 No, no, that's not true.

Speaker 3 I'm just joking for the sake of the show.

Speaker 3 But everything would be circumstantial dependent. It'd be what is the circumstances that we're in that you want to.

Speaker 4 Wow, I did not know that about you.

Speaker 3 Well, this is

Speaker 3 what you're not explaining is.

Speaker 3 Okay, you want me to be philosophical and deep about it?

Speaker 4 That's why I'm asking.

Speaker 3 Because I've said this before. Because you don't understand the depths of the...
It'd take too long for me to talk about it.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 3 But I've said this before.

Speaker 3 Anybody can be a father. But it takes a lot to be a dad.

Speaker 3 And that's just a fact of life. And as you get older, you learn.

Speaker 4 I saw that on a G.I. Ju Joe episode.

Speaker 3 It was at the coffee shop. I was once over.

Speaker 3 But I was going to say this quote. I wrote this once when I was doing a bit about my old man.
That I said,

Speaker 3 a father has to finish once,

Speaker 3 and a dad is never done.

Speaker 3 And I mean that.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 3 To be a father, you have to fucking nut in somebody one time, and it may work.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 3 To be a dad means your job is to be a dad until you're dead. So if we're being deep and honest,

Speaker 3 he was a biological father to me. Right.
But but my dad who raised me, the guy who raised me, you wouldn't exist without your dad, your father. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Or my mom. He gave you existence.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but that's. That's 15 grand.

Speaker 3 No, that's the easiest thing in the world to exist. Existence, 15 grand? People come in people all the time.

Speaker 1 How much is a sperm donor?

Speaker 3 Probably like 10, 5.

Speaker 3 10 grand? Yeah, that's a compromise. I go, dude, I'll pay you out like you're a sperm donor.

Speaker 4 That's interesting to me, though.

Speaker 3 But the depths of the relationship would take me too long to explain to you about why I feel the way I do, that there is a disconnect.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but just principally, what I would do, just this is just me.

Speaker 3 You don't have a dad and a stepdad. You don't understand what it's like.

Speaker 4 I mean, but I'm in the same situation.

Speaker 3 But you're not. You didn't have a guy that raised you there.

Speaker 4 I've had cousins who I don't really have a relationship with.

Speaker 3 What? How do you think that's the same thing?

Speaker 4 I just, because it's just like, no, I don't have a relationship with them.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 fatherhood.

Speaker 4 So you're saying there's deep resentments there, then?

Speaker 2 No, not resentments.

Speaker 3 It's just, it's just, there's a feeling that you get as a young man when your father

Speaker 3 isn't a part of your life

Speaker 3 that you become your own man. And maybe this is a male biological thing.
You become your own entity, and you kind of look at it as, well,

Speaker 3 you're a man. I'm a man.

Speaker 3 I respect the idea that

Speaker 3 we're family, but I'm my own man. And if you don't raise me,

Speaker 3 you're just a man that had me. Like that, that's like the instant, what these guys are going to instill in their kids are like, I'm going to be there for you forever.

Speaker 3 And once you lose that for a child when it's in a developmental stage, it doesn't trust you anymore. I mean, it's animalistic, it's instinct.

Speaker 3 Once a dad is gone and leaves the child, they immediately have to think independently, like, well, that thing isn't with me anymore.

Speaker 3 It creates a million different emotions and problems.

Speaker 3 But like, my dad who raised me, that guy, he's my dad.

Speaker 4 Now would he, would you loan him money?

Speaker 3 I'd give him every dime in my bank account.

Speaker 4 Would you loan me money?

Speaker 3 I'd give you every dime in my bank account. If you needed it.

Speaker 4 If I needed 15 grand, I just know where to go. Thank you.
I would 100%.

Speaker 3 I wouldn't think twice. Yeah.
And of course I'd give my biological father money. I'm just, I'm joking.
But I like, but I'm saying like my, if we're being genuine, you wanted to get genuine.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's, I felt that way in the more recent years as a young man, as a man, of like, any bozo can be a father, but it takes a lot to be a dad. I think it's important to be,

Speaker 3 it takes a lot to be a dad. Yeah.
To like raise a kid. Like this guy has got to sacrifice.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he hasn't been around.

Speaker 4 And I appreciate that.

Speaker 3 It's good because he's fucking. I like that.

Speaker 4 I'm supportive of it. You haven't been around doing your business, but I know that you're a new dad.
I know you have

Speaker 4 a younger one. What's it called?

Speaker 2 The one before.

Speaker 2 What is the kid called?

Speaker 4 What's it called?

Speaker 3 I don't know what the son's.

Speaker 4 He doesn't like me, so I'm not going to memorize the name.

Speaker 3 Oh, he knows your name, though.

Speaker 3 Well, he knows his name

Speaker 3 is famous. That's not like,

Speaker 3 oh, your son knows a famous guy.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I'm verified.

Speaker 3 He follows me on Instagram. My point is that

Speaker 4 my point is that whenever your kid's around, he just has a distrust there.

Speaker 4 Every baby.

Speaker 3 No, no, no, no, no. That's not true.

Speaker 3 I think it's true.

Speaker 4 Okay. Okay.
Why?

Speaker 2 Why? Because.

Speaker 3 Because what?

Speaker 3 Because what?

Speaker 1 With every family gathering, there's always always a baby, and then whenever you go to them,

Speaker 1 the emotion is just crying and sadness.

Speaker 3 That's because babies cry like 90% of their life. That's not him.

Speaker 3 When a baby sees a king,

Speaker 4 right? The energy the king exudes, right?

Speaker 3 The aura.

Speaker 4 They can't help it. They cannot help it.

Speaker 3 They're overwhelmed.

Speaker 4 They're overwhelmed with like just this spiritual emotion.

Speaker 4 They don't have the brains or the emotional capacity to even, you know, comprehend what's happening when someone goes to the wailing wall.

Speaker 3 When somebody goes. I've been there.
I cry. You cry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what babies do when they say.

Speaker 4 You put a note in the fucking crack.

Speaker 3 What did it say? What? What did it say?

Speaker 3 Kanye. No, it didn't say yay.

Speaker 4 No, it said yay.

Speaker 3 Yay, yay, yay, yay.

Speaker 4 Yay for life. No, but I went to that wall.
I got emotional.

Speaker 4 Maybe the babies are experiencing that.

Speaker 3 He is a wall for babies.

Speaker 3 He is the wailing man.

Speaker 1 I think it's just the face of DeWabby.

Speaker 2 Okay, now you're being rude.

Speaker 3 No, no.

Speaker 4 Explain. Explain.

Speaker 1 It's the face when they see it.

Speaker 3 He has a cute face. Okay.
It's scary. Okay.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 3 I love this path. The path is great.

Speaker 4 And let's go down this path for a second. Come on.
So let me ask you something. All right.
Let's suppose you didn't know who I was. Yeah.
Right. And I robbed you.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Right in daylight. Now the police, you're with the police, right? And they have, what did he look like?

Speaker 2 Explain to me.

Speaker 3 No, I have it.

Speaker 3 Explain it. Explain it.
Go on. Okay.

Speaker 4 You be the cop.

Speaker 2 All right, see.

Speaker 3 Hey, see?

Speaker 3 Tell me what happened, kiddo. What did he look like?

Speaker 1 He was really small.

Speaker 3 Small? What are we talking? Three foot, four foot.

Speaker 1 Like, smaller than me, like 5'2.

Speaker 3 5'2.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 3 5'2. 5'2.

Speaker 1 And then.

Speaker 4 I'm the illustrator, too. Can I be the...

Speaker 3 You're writing down the notes? Yeah, I'm not. I'm the illustrator.
Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 3 So 5-2. So 5-2.

Speaker 4 He's Asian.

Speaker 3 He's Asian.

Speaker 3 Pretty broad. There's a billion of them.

Speaker 3 So what kind? What kind?

Speaker 1 I think Korean.

Speaker 3 Why?

Speaker 1 Why? His eyes are like small but round.

Speaker 3 Small, small, but round. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Much like...

Speaker 3 Much like a Magwai.

Speaker 4 It's a Magwai.

Speaker 3 Very Magwillian. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Got it. And then what else?

Speaker 1 I noticed that on his thumb, it had like a green thing.

Speaker 3 A green? Wait, on his what? The thumb thing on his thumb.

Speaker 4 On his thumb, a green thing. Yeah.

Speaker 3 What is that? What is that? What was it?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Maybe like a

Speaker 1 fungus.

Speaker 3 Oh, so he's riddled with fungus. Yeah.
Fungus-riddled Asian.

Speaker 1 His eyes also had like eyebuggers on it.

Speaker 3 Eyebuggers.

Speaker 4 I get the yellow marker.

Speaker 3 Well, you should be using yellow the whole time, shouldn't you? Oh, that's right.

Speaker 4 He's Korean. That is fine.
I'll use the brown one for the eyebugs.

Speaker 1 And he had a beanie.

Speaker 3 And beanie. Excuse me? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Are you calling him a beanie? No, no, no, the hat.
Is he Hispanic? No, no.

Speaker 3 What is he doing?

Speaker 3 He's wearing a beanie.

Speaker 3 Beanie.

Speaker 3 Oh, a beanie.

Speaker 1 Not bean, beanie.

Speaker 3 Let me repeat this back to you. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Booger fungus-riddled Asian wearing a Hispanic man on his head.

Speaker 3 Is that what I'm getting from? Yeah. Yeah, all right.
Is it a sombrero?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 Why do you think that a baby doesn't like his cute face? He's got a great face.

Speaker 1 No, because when I first saw him, I also got scared. So I just feel like

Speaker 4 insane. It's fucking insane.

Speaker 4 Are you being honest and truthful?

Speaker 3 Yeah, she is.

Speaker 4 You can see it in her nose. Why, though? Is it the way I was moving?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because you were like, like, grunting, like

Speaker 3 moving around. Yeah, I'm always panting.
Yeah, well, you're out of breath.

Speaker 4 Also, I have things on my mind.

Speaker 3 You're busy.

Speaker 4 I'm a busy guy in my mind.

Speaker 3 What's the first thing on your mind right now? Go.

Speaker 2 Tacos.

Speaker 3 See?

Speaker 3 It's tough. He's got other things.
He's so much. And I already ate today.
Ready? Hard shell, soft shell. Soft.
Soft.

Speaker 3 Sour cream? Yes. Cheese? Yes.
Tomatoes? Yes. Lettuce? Yes.

Speaker 3 Chicken or meat? Meat.

Speaker 3 Facts.

Speaker 3 He's got a lot on his mind. You got a pizza.

Speaker 3 Pepperoni with peppers and pineapples. Pineapple, no.

Speaker 3 Ham?

Speaker 4 No. Gluten-free

Speaker 3 crust. No.

Speaker 3 by the way,

Speaker 3 Juice dressed up and you didn't.

Speaker 3 Are you coming with us to eat?

Speaker 4 Do you know about the dinner?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know about the dinner.

Speaker 3 And you're wearing this at dinner.

Speaker 1 Are we going after? Yeah. No.
I thought it was a...

Speaker 3 We're going to do it in our own minds.

Speaker 3 I find it this. We're having a holiday dinner.

Speaker 1 It's not a VR dinner.

Speaker 3 No, we're not playing it. Do you think we're going to go in the metaverse? No, this is fine.
Yeah, it is. We look fine.
But honestly,

Speaker 3 this is the deal with this generation. There are no rules.
There are no rules.

Speaker 3 It doesn't matter anymore. Nobody cares.
She could wear this, and hypothetically, in a couple of years, she could be the fucking CEO of a massive company. Oh, yeah.
Nobody would give a shit.

Speaker 4 Also, can I just say this? The way you look and the way you're dressed, we can say things out loud like foreign exchange dude.

Speaker 3 Right. You know what I mean? That's volume.

Speaker 4 She's our maid.

Speaker 4 Whatever.

Speaker 3 Well, they do have, we do, you can get a discount if they're foreign, so we will have to, you have to play up the accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Look, I'm a waiter. I come over to the table.
You have to do a broken English. I don't know.
Do broken English. Like, you're just learning it.

Speaker 3 Hi, little foreign girl.

Speaker 5 Are you with the big party?

Speaker 3 The other party? Uh, yeah.

Speaker 3 What, wait, wait, wait. There's something going on.

Speaker 3 There's something going on there. Yeah, well.

Speaker 4 She's doing this?

Speaker 3 Yeah. I don't know how to do it.
Don't scream. I don't know how.

Speaker 3 Wait, you're supposed to be...

Speaker 3 So they said that we're look, we're going to apply a discount to

Speaker 3 the meal if they, you know.

Speaker 1 Can I just show my visa?

Speaker 3 You spoke perfect English. I thought you were not from here.

Speaker 4 Listen, let's start over. Okay.
I don't think you get what this fucking scene is.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 4 All right. So the scene is this.
All right. Why don't we play both of you? You're both foreign exchange students.
That's right. You can talk first.
Broken English. You cannot have a fucking accent.

Speaker 4 I mean,

Speaker 4 the way you talk. You have to have a...

Speaker 4 You can be from anywhere.

Speaker 3 You have to have a from Croatia.

Speaker 4 You can be from.

Speaker 3 I can help you guys. Yes.

Speaker 3 Sound like him.

Speaker 4 Also, create different names, right? So me and we're walking in, you guys are walking behind.

Speaker 3 Here we go, right?

Speaker 3 Hi, girls.

Speaker 3 I'm Bofield, and this is the manager.

Speaker 4 Yeah, hi. Say your name? Damien.

Speaker 3 This is the manager, Damien.

Speaker 3 And we were told that you guys were looking for the foreign exchange discount, which we're proud to give.

Speaker 4 Totally fine. And I have to be admitted, I'm Damien, by the way.
Can I say that?

Speaker 3 I'm Bofield. That's Bofield.

Speaker 4 And I created this program.

Speaker 3 Because Damien, of course, is from Bongolia. Bongolia.

Speaker 3 So we're willing to give discounts for people that are. I'm Bongolian.
He's Bongolian. Yeah, yeah.
Where are you guys from, Miss?

Speaker 4 Yes, so let's start with the white one. Oh, may I say white?

Speaker 3 Can I say we always start with the whites? Let's give somebody else a chance. That is true.
So, Miss

Speaker 3 Hi, what's your name?

Speaker 3 I'm from

Speaker 1 the Philippines.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 did she say Philippines? Yeah, I don't know. Philippines? Oh, wow.
What's your name? What's your name?

Speaker 3 Alofo. Alofo.
Wonderful. Wonderful.

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Speaker 3 How long have you been here in the States?

Speaker 1 Three years.

Speaker 2 Three.

Speaker 3 I think it's three.

Speaker 4 Three years.

Speaker 2 I'm just going to say three on the thing.

Speaker 3 It sounds like three, yeah.

Speaker 1 And three.

Speaker 4 Yeah, we know what three is, ma'am.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 3 Numbers are the same all over the world.

Speaker 3 It's just.

Speaker 3 Who's your friend? Who are you? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 3 Oh.

Speaker 3 Oh.

Speaker 3 By the way,

Speaker 3 by the way,

Speaker 3 very accurate foreigner. Very good.
They will always just say yes. They always say yes.
When you're like, hey, are you, how are you doing? They're like, yes.

Speaker 3 Yes, is a safe bet for a foreigner. The only times fancy said yes to people? Yeah.
When somebody's just like, oh, it's beautiful out. Yes.
Yes.

Speaker 3 And they take credit. So where are you from? Oh, you're from? Yes.

Speaker 1 I'm from Russia.

Speaker 3 Oh, you're from Russia. Oh, you're from Russia.
What parts? What part of Russia? Russian? Yeah, I speak Russian. Oh, good.

Speaker 3 I don't.

Speaker 3 You don't speak Russian?

Speaker 1 From there.

Speaker 3 Oh, you're from there.

Speaker 1 No speak English either.

Speaker 3 Oh, no, speak English either.

Speaker 4 You're very Russian.

Speaker 1 Dumb.

Speaker 3 Oh, you're very dumb. She's stupid.

Speaker 3 She's stupid.

Speaker 4 Do you know your name? Do you know enough to know your name?

Speaker 1 This.

Speaker 1 Name looking for Bobby?

Speaker 3 Oh, she thinks her name is Bobby.

Speaker 1 No, looking for Bobby and Andrew.

Speaker 1 Two

Speaker 3 bad friends.

Speaker 3 We're bad friends.

Speaker 4 When you do this, are we flossing?

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is this?

Speaker 3 We're going to have to remove these people from the. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 You don't get the discount. Can you leave our restaurant?

Speaker 3 This is insane. It's insane.
Damien.

Speaker 4 In this scene, we're not.

Speaker 3 We lose Bobby and Andrew.

Speaker 3 We have no idea. Damien is

Speaker 3 a little bit of a family. We are looking for Bobby.
Oh, the table. That's what they're looking for.
Yeah, but we don't know who the fuck that is.

Speaker 4 They're already in the restaurant because they came here with us.

Speaker 3 Describe that.

Speaker 4 That's what they're saying.

Speaker 4 Now I get it. Now I get it.
Oh, so it's the handsome Korean and the weird looking white guy.

Speaker 3 Small, small, and

Speaker 4 excuse me, the small guy, and then the what?

Speaker 1 And the big.

Speaker 3 And the big. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Small and big. What do they look like?

Speaker 3 Orange. Orange.
Orange. Orange.
Yeah, that's the big guy. We did see a tall orange man.
Yeah, yeah. Orange.
What's the little one? Yellow. Yellow.
Oh, yeah. Orange and yellow.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I get it. That's good.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they're nice. Yeah, they're back there.
All right, right, well. Together, they look like the sun.

Speaker 3 Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 A foreign discount.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 They got what they wanted. At the end of the day, if you push hard enough, you get what you fucking want.

Speaker 1 So we're doing that tonight?

Speaker 3 Yeah, we're doing it. Yeah, you guys are doing that tonight.

Speaker 3 You have to.

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Speaker 3 I want to ask you, Jules, this shirt. Do you love Rick and Morty? Because everybody loves it.
Yeah. You love it, Juice.
Yes.

Speaker 3 Do you like it?

Speaker 4 I've seen a couple of it. The world loves it.

Speaker 3 And so what I did was,

Speaker 3 I fucking downloaded a whole season on my iPad. And the last flight I took, I was like, I got to watch it.
Everybody talks about it. And I watched it.

Speaker 4 Not good.

Speaker 3 I don't get it. Oh,

Speaker 3 I don't not get it. I just don't get the hype.
I was like, this is fun.

Speaker 3 People are obsessed.

Speaker 3 I always thought it was good, but I was like, I'm not.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 4 I'm like that with, you're going to get angry.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 4 Because dudes like you from the Comedy world get angry with what I'm about to say. So just calm your nerves.

Speaker 3 I'm prepared. All right.

Speaker 4 The Simpsons for me is the same.

Speaker 1 You just mean like the recent episodes. No.

Speaker 3 You're out of the way. Any of them.
You're out of your fucking...

Speaker 3 You're like.

Speaker 3 Any of them. It's so annoying.

Speaker 4 I literally watch them. I don't.
I understand what the jokes are. I do.
I'm like, you know, cute. I'm funny.

Speaker 3 The Simpsons is so.

Speaker 4 It's so not funny to me. Oh.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Okay.
Respect.

Speaker 4 Well, I love Rick and Morty.

Speaker 2 You don't like that. I know, no.

Speaker 3 I don't not like it. It just didn't hit me.
Yeah, it didn't click for me. I was like, oh, like the way that South Park does and Family Guy does, because the comedy is so raw.

Speaker 4 South Park makes me laugh.

Speaker 3 It's hilarious.

Speaker 4 But I'm more also a Ren and Stimpy guy.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 I like paranoia.

Speaker 4 I like more emotion than just verbal jokes.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I mean, yes, you like the more visual chaos.
I love chaos. Rick and Morty is chaos, right? It is.
I did like it, but it's.

Speaker 4 The most embarrassing thing that I've ever experienced is I get a call from Family Guy. Because I would do a lot of their Asian voices at one point.

Speaker 3 Really?

Speaker 4 Sometimes, like two or three times.

Speaker 4 So one day I get a call going, they wrote a whole episode, right, with you

Speaker 4 throughout the whole thing of the episode, but we need you to come in and do the table read in front of everyone.

Speaker 4 And I bombed so hard.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 4 It was so embarrassing. Not a single laugh.
Like every, when I wasn't on it, it would kill. And every time I would talk, I think my accent was way too thick because they wanted an Asian accent.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 And they felt uncomfortable. And I remember just, you know, I just, I remember just picking up my shit, like the script and my backpack and just walking out of the room.
No one said anything to me.

Speaker 4 It was so, and I never did another one.

Speaker 3 A family guy. Yeah, it was so embarrassing.
So you ended up not doing a voice.

Speaker 4 They got rid of that episode.

Speaker 3 Shit.

Speaker 4 It was so embarrassing.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. I don't know why I just said that.

Speaker 3 I've done a few episodes. It was great.

Speaker 3 And American Dad, I've done both. I've done both.

Speaker 2 No, all jokes aside.

Speaker 3 No, I'll give you.

Speaker 3 Let me level with you. Yeah, yeah.
Have you ever bombed? Oh, my God. I'm about to tell you.
Okay. Will Farrell.

Speaker 3 Fucking.

Speaker 3 What was it? What movie was it?

Speaker 3 Maybe it was that Bankheist movie or something. Funny or die.
I go to Funny or Die offices.

Speaker 3 I'm a little hungover, but whatever, not bad. Yeah,

Speaker 3 I go, I go to read multiple characters, like you know, and they call you in, you're like, will you come just do a bunch for the table read?

Speaker 4 And then hopefully hate when they do that. I fucking load it.

Speaker 3 Appetow used to do it to me all the time, Judd, and I've called him out. Judd, fucking Judd.
I hate it. Fucking Judd.

Speaker 4 I've dealt with him too, yeah.

Speaker 3 Fucking Judd.

Speaker 3 And then he did, he used to do it all the time. But I go into Funny or Die.

Speaker 3 This movie's kind of funny, but it's like a big, heavy hitter. There's a lot of names.
And I'm next to Will Farrell.

Speaker 3 And I have to be like, at one point, this cop. I haven't read the script.
I'm just a table read. I'm not in the movie yet.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 And I fuck up once a little bit, I stumble, and I think, that was weird. Not a big deal.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 3 The next line, I misread it,

Speaker 3 and everyone's laughing. Yeah.
Because they think I'm joking. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I misread it. It was supposed to be like concierge, and I'm like, concigliary would be

Speaker 3 dude.

Speaker 3 And they're laughing, thinking I'm being funny. And now they all kind of, and then a second, they can feel my nervousness because the next few lines, I can't get, I'm stumbling.
Now I'm in my head.

Speaker 3 I'm like panicking. And Pharaoh kind of keeps like, you know, I can see people looking and I'm bombing.

Speaker 3 And at the end of it all, after I finally fucking get through it, I say to the casting director, who I won't mention, I was like,

Speaker 3 you know, is there a chance of me still getting one of the roles? And she's like, they're cutting out all of those parts.

Speaker 3 Because of me. Yeah.
Because I ate shit so fucking bad. Yeah, yeah.
They were like, we have to cut these fucking we're not. This is embarrassing.
I got one. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I was a table read. I played this

Speaker 4 chef.

Speaker 4 Right. And

Speaker 4 the line is, there was like three times I had to use this one word. I go, do you want shit take?

Speaker 3 Right?

Speaker 4 Right. And every time we say shit take,

Speaker 3 the place would laugh.

Speaker 4 It was all the Fox executives.

Speaker 3 They would laugh.

Speaker 4 And I was like, oh, that's weird. That's a straight roll, right?

Speaker 3 Shit take. And then at the end, they go, it's shiitake.

Speaker 3 And I go, what?

Speaker 3 Well, also,

Speaker 3 it is shit take, by the way. You're not wrong.
Right. Yeah.
Then name it another mushroom then, because it's shit take.

Speaker 3 Right. Yeah, shiitake fine.
Also, shit take. It's spelled the same.

Speaker 4 Can I tell you the worst thing?

Speaker 3 Not my fucking fault.

Speaker 4 Can I tell you the worst thing that's ever happened, though?

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 4 This one, but it's, it was a prank on me, right? And it was like insane. And I, I honestly, they, I don't think they would be able to do it now.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 4 So this is the final table read of Mad TV, right?

Speaker 3 The last episode.

Speaker 4 The last episode. And so back then, what they, you had no, they would deliver the scripts to your house every Monday night.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 4 So there's no emails, right? We would get, somebody would come, get, knock on the door, we would get the script, and you would run

Speaker 4 in a sketch show, you get 40 sketches. They pick up like 15.
Yeah. Right? So you have to go through 40 sketches to see where you're at.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 3 That's a nightmare. It's a nightmare.
It's a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare.

Speaker 4 So you're just going through. And it's also like 11 at night and the table reads in the morning.
Wow. They don't give you a lot of time.

Speaker 4 So I see this one sketch, which is a reoccurring sketch that Crystal Flanagan and I think Arden Maureen did.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 4 And I'm never in them.

Speaker 4 They've done 30 of those. I've never been in it.
But this time I'm like, I'm in one.

Speaker 4 Some character named Raphael, right?

Speaker 4 And so it's basically these two people talking, right? And in between, Raphael would show up and he would say stuff like,

Speaker 4 I'm going to snap.

Speaker 4 Like, that's what it would say. And then later it would say, you know what I mean? You guys all better run because I'm going to shoot up the place.

Speaker 3 Right? Yeah.

Speaker 4 And then at the end of the sketch, Raphael had a bunch of things to say. He would say stuff like, bird noises.

Speaker 4 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 And then like, ow, oh, right.

Speaker 4 And then flap your wings.

Speaker 3 It said on the flap your wings. Flap your wings, right?

Speaker 4 I show up at the table, read, mind you, I'm the only one

Speaker 4 that has that script. Everyone has the script without Raphael.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Right?

Speaker 4 And only the writer, one writer, knows about it.

Speaker 3 No one else knows, right?

Speaker 4 So when I'm saying the lines,

Speaker 4 I go, I'm going going to snap. I can see people, like chairs go back.

Speaker 3 Not kidding you. I'm going to snap.

Speaker 3 Right?

Speaker 4 You know what I mean? Seriously, I'm going to shoot at the place.

Speaker 3 I see three people stand up.

Speaker 4 And toward the end, I'm like,

Speaker 4 the place is silent, right?

Speaker 3 And from the corner of my eye, I see... the girl, the writer, on the ground with her,

Speaker 3 right?

Speaker 4 Half the room is like standing up, and they were like, right. And at the end, there was like a five-second thing when the sketch is over where Katie finally gets up.
That's her name, Katie.

Speaker 4 And she goes, I'm sorry.

Speaker 4 That script, this is the only script that's like that.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? It was just a joke for me, right?

Speaker 4 And the rage.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Now you were going to snap. I was going to snap.

Speaker 4 Shoot.

Speaker 3 Shoot. Excellent.
I was laughing so hard that I couldn't do it.

Speaker 3 I was like,

Speaker 3 that's a good one.

Speaker 3 You know what I I mean? Like, I was doing that. How insane is that? Who's Katie Diphole? Katie Dipole.
Oh. You know her? Well, I mean, she wrote The Ghostbusters.

Speaker 4 Yeah, she was a great writer.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Good friend, but

Speaker 4 my God, man, that was crazy.

Speaker 3 This is a genius.

Speaker 4 It's a genius prank, but also like...

Speaker 1 That's a sketch.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's so fucking funny. It's not.
Well, it really isn't. In retrospect.

Speaker 3 It's funny. It's funny.
Maybe I highlighted them.

Speaker 4 And also, it made me feel like a fool because I'm like, this, I should have, when I was looking at it, I should have said,

Speaker 4 this seems weird. Like, what is the context of this guy being in there? Because it never said I was like a part of the show.

Speaker 3 But you never talked to the writer. You weren't like, hey, can I talk to you about this sketch?

Speaker 4 No, because you're in so many, you're really dumb. And then also the lines were simple.
So I'm like, I guess I'll deliver it like this.

Speaker 3 Oh, it was terrible.

Speaker 4 I had a terrible fucking day.

Speaker 1 Somebody got a heart attack from watching the new avatar in theaters.

Speaker 3 Wait, what?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you, well, I I don't know.

Speaker 4 Somebody always gets a heart attack in a movie theater.

Speaker 3 I don't know. Somebody died from watching Avatar.
Why? Because it was too long.

Speaker 3 So long, huh? Too blue. Too blue.
Too blue. You saw Avatar and you're excited, huh?

Speaker 4 So, give me that 1 through 10. What is it?

Speaker 1 1, 2, 1.

Speaker 3 Oh, you used numbers of throwing her right on.

Speaker 3 A through Z.

Speaker 4 No, no, no.

Speaker 3 That's a Z.

Speaker 3 I give it a Z.

Speaker 1 Maybe like a,

Speaker 1 I don't know, 7, 8?

Speaker 3 A 7, 8.

Speaker 1 7.8 or a 7 slash eight seven slash eight got it so you can't decide seven point eight what are the positives and negatives of the movie um like the plot is like just simple like them colonizing the planet like the first movie yeah like the first movie that's the whole yeah yeah and then it's just the end the cgi is really pretty and then they go to the other tribes and you see like different colors of them

Speaker 1 and then how like

Speaker 3 since they you should be a reviewer Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean this could be an article.
Yeah, so go ahead. Different colors of them.

Speaker 3 What else?

Speaker 1 And since the other tribes like adapted to the water, they have like longer like skin and then their tails are like more like of a fish. Like other than yeah, it's just pretty.

Speaker 3 You're going you're going back to school, huh? Yeah.

Speaker 4 I'm not watching the movie now.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Why? Well, you didn't sell it.

Speaker 1 I'm not good at selling.

Speaker 3 I know. I know.
What do you think you're the best at?

Speaker 1 Sleeping.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's true. Very good at it.

Speaker 3 What do you think you're the best at that you could actually like do for a job?

Speaker 3 A job. You can do sleep studies, I guess.

Speaker 4 You could do sleep, yeah. I guess.
But you'd be too sleepy to do them.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they're like, Miss, you can't just sleep. We need you to be alive as well.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can they like, I don't know, observe just me?

Speaker 4 Oh, you want to be a professional observer?

Speaker 1 Not me observing them observing me.

Speaker 3 While you sleep. Oh, you want to be a.

Speaker 4 Oh, I see. She wants to be a guinea pig.

Speaker 3 A guinea pig. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's kind of what this is.

Speaker 4 What do you want to do?

Speaker 3 She's doing it. What do you mean?

Speaker 3 What do you want to be when you grow up? I want to

Speaker 1 keep doing the stand-up and just have that career keep growing the way it's going and acting more.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 What's your ultimate dream?

Speaker 1 Studio apartment.

Speaker 3 You're going to get that.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 I want to be in movies with you guys. I want to be in.

Speaker 3 You don't want to be in movies with you. I want to get

Speaker 6 better movies.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 What did you just say?

Speaker 4 Better movies, he said.

Speaker 3 Dude, you're fucking.

Speaker 4 I know. He's really fucking.

Speaker 3 I'm not going to beat the shit out of you.

Speaker 4 I hate you, dude. Let me ask you.
Do you think you're going to be bigger than Elijah Schlesinger?

Speaker 1 I could see myself being at her level.

Speaker 3 Wow, good.

Speaker 3 Whitney?

Speaker 1 Like, I feel like I'm entering that inner circle.

Speaker 2 Look at that.

Speaker 1 Whitney told me the nicest thing the other day. I was working a lot.

Speaker 3 Also, rest in peace, Whitney's mom. Yeah.
Sad her mom died.

Speaker 1 It was really sad.

Speaker 3 Man, it was very sad.

Speaker 1 Sorry, what did she say to you? She came in a lot, and she told me that she's been seeing my social media blowing up, which was cool to me that she was even noticing me. And that I reminded her of

Speaker 1 right before she got her television show.

Speaker 3 Shit. That's cool.

Speaker 1 And it was very motivating.

Speaker 3 I hope you get a television show. Yeah.
The Jetsky's Juice story. What do you want to be when you grow up, Bob?

Speaker 4 Oh, God, I have so many dreams. Something with soil.
Hmm. Yeah, yeah.
Something about soil.

Speaker 3 You mean like I want to put my hands in it?

Speaker 3 You can do that. I don't think anything's a good living, though.
For a job. Crops.
So you want to be a farmer?

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 4 What, a botanist?

Speaker 3 You want to be a botanist. Yeah.
He does have that green thumb. You got.

Speaker 3 I don't have a green thumb.

Speaker 4 I don't know why he said that.

Speaker 3 You know what? Oh, my God. That's an issue that we're going to talk about.

Speaker 3 I don't have a green thumb. That's crazy.
I know, but you said you said that on the world, all right?

Speaker 4 I don't have a green thumb.

Speaker 3 Yeah, there's no fucking Azure. That was a hammer, though.
That was a hammer. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've been waiting for that.

Speaker 3 You're even loading it up.

Speaker 4 I just want to see life grow.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I'm being real.
I know.

Speaker 4 Yeah. I see myself

Speaker 4 living, not in a cabin, but in a house with there's a lot of land and me out there with a hat.

Speaker 3 What do you mean?

Speaker 4 Like one of those hats. Like a.

Speaker 4 You can say it.

Speaker 3 Like a Sombrero?

Speaker 4 No, not a sombrero. Like a...

Speaker 3 Say it. Like a rice.
What? Like a... What? Like a rice patty hat? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, a rice patty hat. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 And being out there and putting stuff in, you know, you're starting the grow process.

Speaker 3 Putting seeds. Planting.
Planting seeds.

Speaker 3 Put digging.

Speaker 4 I mean, putting the soil back on. Fertilizer, some water.

Speaker 3 And then good vibes.

Speaker 4 And good vibes. Living a simple.
What about you?

Speaker 3 What are my dreams? Yeah.

Speaker 3 My dream is to one day

Speaker 3 escape the chains of Hollywood. God, I love it.
Break away. Me too, man.

Speaker 3 Move to an extremely exclusive,

Speaker 3 private, nudist colony. Yeah.
On a body of water. Of course.

Speaker 4 On an island.

Speaker 3 On any body of water. Yeah, island.
Well, I don't get it.

Speaker 4 Everything's on a body of water, no?

Speaker 3 Some places are landlocked.

Speaker 4 But if you look at... I just, I'm sorry, I just.

Speaker 3 If you look at North America on a map, there's still water around it.

Speaker 4 It's on a body of water.

Speaker 3 But many places are landlocked.

Speaker 4 What's landlocked mean?

Speaker 3 Nebraska is landlocked. It's in the middle of the thing.

Speaker 4 But if you look at the whole continent as a whole, it's one chunk.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 I look at it like that. So you think everything is

Speaker 3 surrounded by water. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I mean, technically, if you look at it...

Speaker 3 Technically, everything is a water.

Speaker 4 North America could just be a gigantic island.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 Because it's connected to something else.

Speaker 4 With the Bering Strait, you mean to Russia? Is that what you're saying?

Speaker 3 Up north. We're connected all the way up north.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 4 I'm saying that's North America. Canada's a part of North America, right? But keep going.
And the Bering Strait is just a little bit of water in between that little strait, right?

Speaker 4 So, I mean, essentially it's all...

Speaker 3 Kind of an island.

Speaker 4 Oh, but you know what? You're right.

Speaker 4 North America and South America are connected by Mexico and Honduras and all that stuff.

Speaker 3 And Central America. Right.

Speaker 4 So you're right. I get it now.

Speaker 3 So I want to be a part of a nudist colony. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Not in Nevada,

Speaker 4 but like on an island.

Speaker 3 Water.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 And I want to

Speaker 3 be the musician. Everybody has a job.
I want to be the local musician.

Speaker 2 I can only see you do bongos

Speaker 3 with my dick.

Speaker 3 Whatever.

Speaker 3 I want to play steel drums.

Speaker 3 I want to play steel drums. And I want to be a musician for a nudist colony.

Speaker 3 But the nudist colony's got to be 60 and up. Nobody's under 60.

Speaker 4 How old are you at this point?

Speaker 3 60 and up.

Speaker 4 You could have been the one guy.

Speaker 3 No, this is my retirement plan.

Speaker 4 Because if it's your.

Speaker 4 60 and up. Because if you did it next year and you started it and you have that 60 and up rule, you could still be there because you own the thing.

Speaker 3 I get it, but I want to be 60 and up. So

Speaker 3 at my 60th birthday, I'm moving there. I'm quitting the 30th.

Speaker 4 At that point, I'll be in my 70s.

Speaker 3 You'll be dead. That's right.

Speaker 4 But could you use my bones as the

Speaker 3 bona? Could you pay like a bombardrum thing?

Speaker 4 Use my bones or something.

Speaker 3 Okay, how about this? Let's do this.

Speaker 3 I'm 40 this year.

Speaker 3 You're 12 years older than me. Right.
Right. You'll be 72 when I'm 60.
That's incredible. Think about that.
Oh, yeah. Then when I'm alive? I think I'll still be alive.
At 72? Yeah.

Speaker 3 When do you think you tap out? 80.

Speaker 4 Because my parents, my mom's 80, and my dad died when he was 80.

Speaker 4 I would think that maybe.

Speaker 3 80 is the number. Could be.
But I think your mom's going to live for a long more time.

Speaker 4 Maybe 10 more years, yeah. That's a long time.

Speaker 3 What about you? When do you want to tap out? Oh, I thought we were still doing Bobby.

Speaker 1 I think you'll get much older, too. Thank you.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Asians.

Speaker 1 I think I'm going to live pretty old, too. My family lives long.

Speaker 3 So what are we talking? 90? 100?

Speaker 1 90.

Speaker 3 Have you seen the picture of this 109-year-old monk that just died?

Speaker 4 No, it's so.

Speaker 3 You can't Google anything.

Speaker 3 Monk. What happened? No, there they go.
I started working again. The Buddhist monk.
Look at this guy. Look at a picture of this guy.
He just died. Well, this year, I guess I should say.
Look at him.

Speaker 3 Whoa.

Speaker 3 That's

Speaker 3 109.

Speaker 4 Can you give me the third photo and zoom in on it?

Speaker 6 I think he was in Game of Thrones.

Speaker 4 He's dead at this point, right?

Speaker 3 He's alive right there.

Speaker 4 He's alive right there.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 What? Jules' face. His skin.
What?

Speaker 1 She looks like she saw a mummy.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 He looks normal to me.

Speaker 3 What's so obscure about this?

Speaker 2 What about the second photo?

Speaker 4 He's alive in the second photo?

Speaker 3 Yeah, he's playing Scrabble, I think.

Speaker 3 He's blessing a child. What? He's blessing a child.
He's blessing a child. Look at that.
Oh, he is?

Speaker 4 Oh, there's a kid there. Yeah.
That kid is so scared.

Speaker 3 You have to let the skeleton touch you

Speaker 3 in order to be blessed.

Speaker 3 In the first one, he's about to sneeze.

Speaker 3 Let me see the first one.

Speaker 4 No, he just did a bump, dude.

Speaker 3 He's awake. He did a bump a mess.
He needs to do a little bit of bump that way he can bless people for an hour.

Speaker 4 Imagine being that old.

Speaker 3 If you sneeze and your head falls off. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Like you sneeze and

Speaker 3 his head whips back. Yeah.
I mean, this is crazy. There's also this family.
Look up this family.

Speaker 3 They exhume their grandmother's body. They exhume their grandmother.

Speaker 1 What does that mean?

Speaker 3 Exhume means removed from their tomb or grave. It's fucking nuts.
Why is there a word for that? Family exhumes grandma after 10 years. Click on that.
Look at this. I just saw this on the news.

Speaker 3 And the whole community was like, look at that. Look at that.
Look at those photos. What? They fucking pulled her out of the ground and like walked her around.
What? What? Dude, it's crazy.

Speaker 1 The blurred out faces, the dead body.

Speaker 3 Go to images. You can see it without blurred.
In images, I bet you they've shown it unfiltered because I've seen it unfiltered. You can see her.
Look there. Let me look.
Let me look.

Speaker 4 Yeah, go.

Speaker 4 Give me that one.

Speaker 3 10 years dead. And they've exhumed her.

Speaker 4 That's 10 years?

Speaker 3 10 years. Not bad.
Wow. Not bad.

Speaker 4 Would you still smash?

Speaker 2 Not bad.

Speaker 3 I said not bad. Yeah, yeah.
That's insane. Oh, whoa!

Speaker 2 That's insane. That's insane, dude.

Speaker 3 That can't be real. That's 100% real.
That feels illegal.

Speaker 4 What are they doing, though?

Speaker 3 Well, they're walking around. They just, they love her.
Oh, my God. I know they love her, but...
Go back to the article and see what country it was from. Obviously, this is not here.

Speaker 3 You know that, right? We can't get away from this stuff, but away with this stuff.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 4 That guy looked like he's from Cleveland.

Speaker 3 Go to all, baby doll.

Speaker 3 Where is it? What country was it in?

Speaker 3 Dominican Republic, the DR, baby. Oh, yeah, the DR.

Speaker 4 The DR.

Speaker 3 They're good at baseball and digging up dead bodies.

Speaker 7 They've seen Kako, and they thought they could free it.

Speaker 5 Check out New York Post's first line.

Speaker 3 Yeah, what does it say? She was still dropped dead gorgeous.

Speaker 3 Really funny.

Speaker 3 Really funny. That is very funny.
That's insane. Look at the, in the video, they're dressing her.
They're putting a dress on her.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's gross because I don't know her, but I'll do that for you, Bobby.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we dig you back up. So in the article, I don't know if it says it.
Look, there she is. You can see that video is unfiltered.

Speaker 3 The first thing I read, it had said the whole town, people were fucking livid. They were like,

Speaker 3 why are you doing this? It probably stinks. Like, respect the dead.
Why are you fucking doing it? And the family was like, we loved her. We want to be with her again.

Speaker 3 Dude, how crazy.

Speaker 4 She's dead.

Speaker 3 Yeah. And they pulled her out of the ground.

Speaker 4 Would you be cremated?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I talked about it. No, no, no.
But I talked about this literally last night because I said my grandfather used to have a great quote. He said,

Speaker 3 don't ever bury me in the ground or anybody in our family. Should never be buried.

Speaker 7 Why?

Speaker 3 He says, land is for the living.

Speaker 3 He's like, land is for the living. You're taking up somebody else's time and space.
He's like, be burned and then return to the earth.

Speaker 4 But you're underground. How is that? There's different levels of it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but you can't live above a cemetery.

Speaker 4 You can. You can poltergeist.
You can.

Speaker 3 No, but it's true, though.

Speaker 3 I remember him saying that when I was a kid, and I was like, oh, that's really poignant.

Speaker 4 Let me ask you this. If there was a land that was a cemetery, there's maybe hundreds of bodies buried.

Speaker 4 And they go, you can have this land for you can build a house on here.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Would you? No.

Speaker 3 Why? Why the fuck of all the other people?

Speaker 4 No, it's for free.

Speaker 3 No, I don't want to be. I don't want to.
It's right by the ocean. Why do I want to be on top of dead people?

Speaker 4 You get a gigantic in Malibu, gigantic plot of land.

Speaker 3 I would say dig all those bodies up then and I'll just go down. No, we have to keep the bodies down there.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 4 What? Why? Because they paid for it, but you can have the land. You wouldn't build a nice house on top of it.

Speaker 3 Why are you giving me the land?

Speaker 4 I own the cemetery.

Speaker 2 Okay, so get the Leon Sons.

Speaker 3 Oh, is that Leon Suns Cemetery?

Speaker 3 Yeah, in Malibu? In Malibu. Well, dig up the bodies and get them out of here.
I would never build. You'd build a house on a fucking cemetery? No, but I'm just wondering why.

Speaker 4 Because it's like the bodies are underground, right? I think the only reason why is because of ghosts.

Speaker 3 But also, it's disrespectful. To what? To the fucking idea.
You're dead.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I know. Well, then, don't put them down in the first place.

Speaker 4 You're in the ground.

Speaker 3 If I'm look, I'm a corpse.

Speaker 4 I'm in a fucking.

Speaker 3 Well, there it is.

Speaker 4 I'm in a... Right?

Speaker 3 And I'm like, they're building apples on top of me. Oh, no.
You're going to haunt them forever. Forever.
Every resident that comes there. Okay.
Also. Did you build on me?

Speaker 1 I'd have to go to your house. Hey,

Speaker 1 can I visit Bobby?

Speaker 3 Yeah. And you take me to your living room.

Speaker 4 Maybe people would come.

Speaker 3 Oh, right, right. Okay.
What she's saying is something that we all already know is when you die, I'm keeping you in my yard.

Speaker 3 You're going to be buried in my backyard. I want you near me all the time.

Speaker 3 I think it's crazy.

Speaker 3 Do you want to be cremated or buried?

Speaker 3 Do you want to be buried?

Speaker 4 You have to think about it? I think so.

Speaker 3 Why?

Speaker 3 For people to come visit your site. Yeah, you fame whore.

Speaker 3 You want to be at the fucking Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

Speaker 4 No, it's not going to be like fucking Elvis in Memphis. No one's going to fucking draw anything on my fucking hole.

Speaker 3 Okay, please do.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 3 How about this? Yeah.

Speaker 3 You're given the opportunity to be buried next to some of your most, the people that you respect the most. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Now will you do it? In the center of Hollywood, if they're like, yeah, we're going to bury you next to like your favorite.

Speaker 4 Like, okay.

Speaker 4 Let me see. So Charles Bronson.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Bronson.

Speaker 4 Right. And Steve McQueen.
They're there. Yeah.
In between?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Because let's suppose spirits do hang out.

Speaker 3 And it's just proximity-based.

Speaker 4 Right. And I'm like, oh, shit, that's Charles Bronze's ghost.

Speaker 3 How sick. Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's Dean McQueen. That'd be cool.
Burn me up. Okay.
Burn me up. Are you guys? What's your pick? What are you guys, girls? What is it? I want to be cremated.
Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 And we also made an agreement with Dita Bobby that when he dies, he needs to give me a signal

Speaker 3 that

Speaker 3 spirits are alive.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh, right. Like, contact me

Speaker 3 after the afterlife. Yeah, yeah.
What is the signal? Do you have you guys communicated communicated what it is?

Speaker 4 Yeah, I'm going to ghost queef on her face.

Speaker 3 She's going to hear the so you're going to have a pussy in the afterlife? Yes.

Speaker 3 Hey, man, you pick your life. You want to ghost queef, right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. So what juice? Are you going to be cremated or buried?

Speaker 1 I've always wanted to be cremated, but when I saw that video, I think that would be cool to leave the option.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that'd be a good option. That would be a good option.
Thank you.

Speaker 3 All right, you two. What about you two? You cremated for sure.
For sure. For sure.
George. Throw it out to see.
Yeah, throw throw me away. Just for fucking.

Speaker 3 I never understood holding on to it. But I did say, like, we all were given a piece of my grandfather to spread around, you know? Oh.
And there were so many of us.

Speaker 3 I was like, I wonder what piece I got. Like, what did we get? Right, right.

Speaker 2 I get like a cheekbone.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Like, what did I really get? We put it in my mom's garden in the backyard.

Speaker 3 It's so funny because

Speaker 3 I was super detached from it when I got the ashes. I thought nothing of it.
Then when I opened it up to spread it, it was crazy. Why? I felt something.
It was so crazy. You got to be kidding, Willie.

Speaker 3 I swear to God, in my life, I started bawling. It was nuts.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's a burnt body.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And when you pour it out, you can hear, stop. Stop.

Speaker 4 My question is:

Speaker 4 ask a question. I don't know how they do it.

Speaker 3 Does white people look different? No. In the afternoon?

Speaker 3 No, no.

Speaker 4 You mean the ashes are way white?

Speaker 3 What are you talking about?

Speaker 4 You think my dad's ashes are yellow?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's hilarious. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Because when they burn it up,

Speaker 4 they put the body in the incinerator. Incinerator.

Speaker 6 They don't clean it out every time.

Speaker 3 Well, the heat is so high, it kills off everything.

Speaker 4 I understand that, but there's still going to be ashes from other people in there.

Speaker 3 Oh, so you've got somebody else's dad as well.

Speaker 4 I'm just saying everyone has a mix of everyone.

Speaker 3 And I think they clean it out pretty diligently because of that, I would imagine.

Speaker 4 I don't think so.

Speaker 3 You think they just let it be?

Speaker 4 I'm just like, if I'm the guy that does it. So what?

Speaker 3 So now you say.

Speaker 4 Hey, Bob, time to clean it out. I'd be like, okay, I already did it.

Speaker 3 Well, you, yeah, you wouldn't have this job. That's why.

Speaker 3 Oh, I see. I don't think we're going to let you work in that industry.
But that's what I would do. Right, they'd fire.
You did it already. Are you sure? Bobby, they tested some of the ashes.

Speaker 3 They found that that was from 38 other people.

Speaker 4 So you do think they clean it up?

Speaker 3 They've got to. There's no way they don't.
I mean, come on. How can they? All right.
Out of respect.

Speaker 3 I think the thing that creeps me out the most is when I went down to the South, when you go down to New Orleans, and they've got all those mausoleums, you know, like the tombs, the above-ground tombs.

Speaker 3 Yeah. That's so fucking creepy to me.

Speaker 6 Yeah, in Spain on Sundays, families go to the cemetery. They clean the tombs.

Speaker 6 Right.

Speaker 3 See, this is what I was talking about, the religious stuff in Latin cultures. It's fucking insane.
The way you guys are with death and religion and all that shit, these things.

Speaker 1 It's less creepy if you think about what would happen if they didn't have them, though.

Speaker 3 See, Bobby wants one of those so many people.

Speaker 3 Bro, that's dope.

Speaker 4 You and I next to each other, dude.

Speaker 3 Bad friends. Yeah, bad friends.

Speaker 4 Dude, look at that.

Speaker 5 The ones you don't want to miss. Look, it's even on here as that you don't want to miss these cemeteries.

Speaker 3 One person's buried there, right? One person?

Speaker 5 Bobby wants a don't want to be missed.

Speaker 4 One guy is buried. That's fucking dope.

Speaker 3 Okay, let's do it. I'll do that.
Yeah, let's do that. I'll do that.
Yeah, yeah. That I'll do with you.
A regular tombstone's bullshit.

Speaker 4 How much is that?

Speaker 3 Those, each of those, are probably at 100, 200 grand. Who knows?

Speaker 6 In Latin America? Huh?

Speaker 3 A little less.

Speaker 3 Well, maybe we could get buried.

Speaker 4 Can I get a discount in Latin America?

Speaker 3 Yes. And then bring the thing here.

Speaker 4 No, you have to do it there.

Speaker 3 Oh, I do.

Speaker 3 But I guess we could be buried there. We're not there.
How do you say bad friends in Spanish?

Speaker 6 Malos Amigos.

Speaker 3 Malos Amigos.

Speaker 5 Are we going to visit Malos Amigos today?

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 4 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 3 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 3 Maros Amigos.