R2D2 & C-3PO Are Fathers

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Guess what? What? We invited a little roach here today to be at the studio.
Show yourself a little piece of scumbag from the Tiger Belly Verde. Look at this scumbag.
Look at this mullet-hulling scumbag. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the roach.
The roach is back, baby. There he is.
With his new baby. Isn't it funny to see these two guys together? These two guys are dads.
Stop standing on them. Yeah, basically, in the Star Wars universe, who are they? R2D2C3P.
Right, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah, just buffoons.
Buffoons. Just foolishness.
I mean, the little one. 100%.
That was dead on R2D2. You are R2D2, for sure.
And you're as annoying as C3P as George. Yeah, George, that is true.
Every time, even as a3PO I was like boo I hated it George do your best C-3PO impression well I believe you've talked too much Andres that sounds like you and that is him yeah well the English accent is gone yeah but it's fine he can't well can you do a British accent? I thought that was a British accent oh my god now the ro is back. And also one of the sharpest dressed cats in town that I've ever seen.
Yeah. What was that? Was that your cat? That's your cat? Yeah.
Okay, come on. That's how a cat sounds to you? Yeah, that sounds better.
Wait, wait. What kind of cat is it? Is it a house cat? I feel like you're doing like a...
That a barn cat for sure Something feral Have you ever raised a cat? Not like from birth Have you seen a cat? Yeah I've had cats in my house Oh you have? Yeah I'm more of a dog person but my sister had a cat growing up Isn't everybody more of a dog person? No there's some people are cat people No I know but you know those people He's not more of a cat person He built, there's some... People are cat people.
No, I know, but you know those people are... He's not more of a cat person.

He built a cat sanctuary

for like 50 grand.

Shut the fuck up, man.

You did.

I did, but shut the fuck.

It wasn't 50 grand.

They're probably...

They're scratching posts.

They don't go out there.

Well, how much was it?

They don't go out there.

Is it done finally?

It's done,

and there's like a little opening,

and sometimes...

Yesterday, I opened up the two flaps,

and they just kind of looked through it,

and they won't go through it.

Thank you. go out there.
Is it done finally? It's done and there's like a little opening and I sometimes yesterday I opened up the two flaps and they just kind of look through it and they won't go through it. And then I go it's 20 grand.
20 grand. Can I live in it? It's outside but sure.
Yeah but it's a free spot. It's a free spot.
Actually you do have to pay the rent. I was going to say.
No year resolution. Yes.
We got to get her into her own place so can it be in your little cat sanctuary? Yeah. Okay.
But you have to dress up like a cat. Really? Every day.
No. Well, I mean, just have catnip on your body so the cats go out there.
I don't want them in my house. Oh, okay.
They won't go out there. Yeah.
But it's a bummer that they don't go out. I know.
But you know what? What? That's how it goes. What do you mean? That's the way the ball rolls, baby do something and something and something doesn't happen So you just have to let that let the world just let it happen on its own like with kids and stuff right you guys have You have a baby on the way.
Yeah, you have two now George. Yeah, and in your head you have dreams for them, correct? Oh big dream, right? It's never gonna work out ever They're gonna go the opposite direction and I can almost my son is is on the CEO track.
That's my plan for him. No, his son, what do you think? Artist.
No. What is his son going to turn into? I think his son is going to turn into...
Janitor? Maybe. CEO of a janitor company, I might allow him.
He's on the entrepreneur track. He might be the janitor of a CEO's office.
Like, he might clean a CEO's office. No, he's the janitor at netflix corporate but he tells girls that he works for netflix and kind of he does yeah yeah but he's that douchebag right right he's cleaning up that's good that's your son's gonna be a janitor a janitor at netflix your daughter is gonna what only fair yeah subscriptions.
And she won't even charge. She won't even charge.
Including Bobby's. I would kill myself.
Would you really kill yourself? If it was free subscriptions. Right.
If she was doing great at it, then it'd be like, okay. We can only hope.
Wait, wait. If she was doing badly at something like that.
Right, if she's doing poorly at selling herself, then you'd be bummed. But let's say she's one of the top one percenters on OnlyFans, your daughter.
What are we talking about? I'd be a little embarrassed at first, but three months in, I'd start bragging to everybody about it. That's right.
What is this feeling? If your daughter is on OnlyFans, she's like, Dad, I'm just doing bikini shots and stuff. And then you subscribe and she's actually doing insert doing? I want to know what that feeling is like.
Well, why are you subscribing? Because you would investigate. You were like, I think my daughter's lying to me.
But she can see who subscribes. No, you create a different name? So you've done this.
No, I don't have a daughter. But you've subscribed to OnlyFans under fake names.
No, it's under Bobby Lee. Everybody knows Squirky is subscribing.
Yeah, but why do you do it under your name and not under another person's name? I don't want you to ask that question. I know why.
Tell me. You like to get recognized.
Yeah. Juice, juice, juice, juice.
Let me tell you something. That's a half truth.
That is such a full truth. That's not a full truth? Yes, that's a full hard-on.
That is an absolution. You get a boner when people know that you're present.
It's not that. Yeah.
Right. In my twisted head, since I'm single, I think, oh, maybe I have a chance.
With the girl on OnlyFans. Yeah.
But you know, they're not even doing those. They're not running those accounts.
I know. I realize that now.
It's like teenage boy. Do you not know this? No.
They don't run the accounts. They hire out these third party companies to do all the work.
So they take the photos and then they send the photos and videos to like a company. And then they're people that i know a girl who chats for other girls and she gets paid a fuckload of money to chat because every time they chat it's like 20 bucks a girl you know yeah so it's me big fucking deal all right but sometimes they'll have like these broad uh those you'll get a message right and they do these broad messages, what are you doing tonight, baby? And the first time that happened,

I responded as if it was specifically to me.

I have two shows, one at the left.

And then like nothing back.

And then I realized, oh no,

it's just like this gigantic broad thing.

But what if it was her?

You got to keep responding just in case.

One day it's going to be them. You think that I'm going to go, I'm going to have two shows and they're going to be like, oh, cool.
Can I get tickets? I'd love to go. Yeah.
You never know. Maybe.
If it was a teenage boy, they would definitely be like talking to him for Bobby. That's right.
Okay, can I get tickets to the show? You got it. How many girls are you subscribed to? Or have you subscribed to? Ten maybe.'re all people I know though 10's a lot I know Is it? Well I'm zero So I think 10 is a lot to me But I I'm subscribed when they're liars What do you mean? How do they lie? They lie When they say like You're gonna get more of this and this And you know They don't get it They'll go Hey do you wanna see my breasts? Yeah You then you fifty dollars fifty dollars for their tits i know and then you press it and it's like them still in a bikini and you're like i could have saw that in your instagram you're a liar you're a liar and so then you and i always call corporate only there's a liar hello only fans corporate hi um bobby lee here oh god hey one of our one of our top subs is here thank you Also, can here.
Thank you. Also, this is not my complaint, but it's like, can I get verified? I need the blue checkmark.
Can you tell us some of the recent credits that you've got in television or film? Oh, yeah. I'm on the Bad Friends podcast.
That's pretty good. Thank you.
But that's not going to get you all the way there. Anything else? I open for Tom Segura more maybe one more yeah uh i did a michael bay commercial how long ago 25 okay all right sir well then tell us what's the problem what's going on with only fans that you're upset about oh yeah so um i spent 50 on this girl and she's like do you want to see my brass and i'm like oh and i, she doesn't respond to me because she always says like, what are you doing tonight? And then I always say like, I have two shows and she doesn't respond.
But anyway, my point is, is that I, I spent food and there was just a breast and it was the same photo as an Instagram. So I paid $50 for no reason.
That's false advertising. Sure is.
Yeah. Thanks for calling.
Bye. That's it.
How could you win? There's no way to win. Could you imagine trying to file a lawsuit saying that a lawsuit saying that that you're you know the false advertising i didn't see the nipple because tits are tits that's true that is because the breast is still the breast you gotta be specific you gotta say can i see your nipples oh i see so do you want to see my nipples and then you want to see my nipples on my tits yeah well i mean what if she has no bra but there was no nipples it was just the breast part kind of like there was some sort of accident that happened and she had a nipples that's cool that's kind of cool yeah because it's like you know sometimes you take the eyebrows off of photos from people and they look different yeah maybe then when the nipples are gone it completely looks like a different thing yeah they might look balloon They might look different I don't know What about the vagina? If the vagina had no lips Or like a dick Like a dick coming out of it It was a lipless vagina Would that change The look of it I know know you guys are describing what what a Barbie doll.
Yeah, Barbie doesn't have openings. I tried To look well, I mean I know I mean no Before I look and I go there's it's just like a flat surface crack her legs Oh, she's not a drink it.
You just crack it out of anger There's no magic you're right. Barbie dolls do have, Barbies have smooth tits, no nipples.
Yeah. And they have a slope.
Yeah. Juice, did you have Barbies? I actually used to bury my Barbie dolls.
Well, sounds like a story time. Go ahead.
I don't know why. I would cut their hair and then they'd look weird and I'd go, but you know, up in the desert so it was like the suburbs but the backyard was all dirt and i'd go back there and bury them and my dog would go take him out and chew him up and my mom do you know why it's like your dog did that naked dirty chewed up do you know why you're my god dude this is like dommer shit yeah well i got it out of my system that's right because your dog knew they were still alive that's right and the dog could hear yeah my dog's my best friend so she was like i better finish them how many barbies did you bury in the backyard i would say like three to five i didn't have like an unlimited amount but wait a minute so you got bought these and was your mom never like what happened to your dolls i think we just laughed about it maybe she was scared to ask me i don't know your mom your mom i should ask her i used to do that too i used to buy i used to bury little toys but she definitely thought it was weird do parents have inventory of what they bought the kid like i don't know if as a I'd be like, oh, what happened to the PlayStation that I bought my son three years ago?

Well, PlayStation is a pretty obvious one.

That one's a big one.

Or the ball.

Well, balls.

Kids love balls, right?

But Barbie dolls, if she only had five of them and they were all gone, at one point your mom would be like, didn't you use no Barbies?

Oh, that's right.

What happened to fucking Barbies?

Yeah.

Do you have limits on what you're allowed to buy your kids?

Like, do you have a discussion with your wife over, like, can't get too many gifts and all that stuff?

Also, get off the Apple box.

I want you at ground level.

I try to, but she keeps on buying stuff.

I got into a Montessori.

Ooh, congratulations.

And then I did a half a day of research, and I told her we need to have a Montessori household.

And then she keeps buying other things.

What is a Montessori?

It's a school.

It's like a Catholic school almost.

No, no.

It's where smart kids go, like the heads of Google went to Montessori.

He's on the CEO.

I'll talk to you later. household and then she keeps buying other things what is it's a school it's like a catholic school almost no no it's a it's uh where smart kids go like the heads of montessori he's on the c how do you know your kid is the smart kid well no it's a it you make things small for kids so like they have little tables it's all things like it's very kid-centric but treating them as adults isn't montessori like a uh it's a school but it's religious based um no but this this is more just like training them.
Here, let me just stop talking and look it up. How are you training your child? So it's a lot of wood, natural stuff.
Wood? Montessori toys. It's a cult.
It's a cult for babies. It sounds like a cult.
It sounds like a baby cult. Well, for smart babies, yeah.
How do you know your baby's smart? We don't know that yet. He knows twice as many words as normal kids at his age.
He's a genius. Who would say that? Who told you that? Well, every time we go to see the doctor, it's like, how many words has he been saying? Like, 40.
Oh, well, usually kids are speaking 20 words this time. So you're lying.
You're lying. You're lying your way into a Montessori.
Right. You lied.
And he's okay with it. Well, you're going to unfollow him? He just lied to you.
Yeah, you're a liar, dude. Just like those girls, unfollow.
But he wants, I guess he wants to believe that. Well, here's the deal.
Yeah. Part of the growth of a child that we've seen is that the support from the parents makes them believe that they can do something.
So he's tricking his kid into thinking he has the ability to do a lot of stuff. I'm raising him as a genius.
Honestly, it might work to a degree until I have to take a test. Yeah, but the ones they realize they're not, they go into, you know what I mean? Great depression.
They go into comedy. Or they might, yeah.
Or what did you just say? What? What did you just say? What did you just say, filmmaker? He called you the apple Did you say filmmaker? You think you're so great? Piece of shit I'm not doing the short We work with scumbags Yeah, he's out of the short He just said it I'm out of the short now Yeah, there's no way That's That's interesting though. No, comedians, I'll tell you.

You want the basis for comedians?

Yeah.

Selfish, insecure, attention-needing, people-pleasers who see the world in a weird way,

can't explain it when they're young,

then they get old enough to realize I can make money off how strange my brain is. That's probably my greatest assessment of what I think most comedians are.
I disagree. Go ahead.
I think it's being, there's some trauma. I don't think everybody has trauma.
I know, but I'm just saying, the comedians that I like. All trauma.
Not some trauma, but also being. You like her.
She's no trauma. Left alone.
I know, but that's why she's great on the show. No, but I mean, in general, she's a great comic who's not.
I know. I'm not saying that all comedians that are good come from that background.
It's the comedians that I tend to. You like the most.
Gravitate toward. You know what I mean? There's something going on.
So you're saying. Or some abandonment, you know? Uh-huh.
Yeah, and they just need... Or daddy issues.
Daddy issues or something. You're like, you know, normal.
You are probably the most normal comic I know. Yeah.
Where you grew up in a very healthy... I grew up with a lot of adult figures in my life.
But it was always full of love. Yeah, there there was no my parents were divorced so we moved like probably between the two of them like 20 times and I moved like four schools so I've had a lot of change and not like a normal upbringing whatever that is but but I've always felt like loved that's really yeah but as a kid would they like if you had feelings would they listen to your feelings? I think yes and no.
My biggest thing was just like, because my parents are divorced, I'd never be with all my family at the same time. But if you went up to your mom and you went, Mom, I'm feeling sad today.
What would she say? You're 24. Stop talking like that.
You're eight. What if you were sad today? If I was sad, my mom would be like, don't smile.
Don't smile. And then she'd start cycling me.
Reverse psychology. This is my dad.
Daddy, I feel sad today. Oh, yeah? You're going to feel worse.
Something like that. Or he would just go, no, no, and then walk go oh my feelings don't count right we just we never we just are we grew up in a we don't really talk irish people just don't talk about their feeling it's the weirdest it's so weird it's weird we don't say it nobody says anything that's why the asians and the irish get along get along because of the railroads the railroads we didn't talk we were talking yeah but maybe there's some connection there there's got to be some really like deep deep connection well because we're suppressed culture as far as we're not supposed to talk about our feelings you're supposed to be quiet well you were an oppressed people yeah and you don't and from england right you know what you guys do what we you'll never see an Irish person or a Korean cry in public.

Never seen that.

Never.

Never. Never.
I don't even know if Irish people can cry. Yeah.
Because if they do, they do it inside their house in a bathroom and they cover their mouth. Yeah.
Because it's just a cultural thing where it's like, don't show people that you're weak. I think it's like a working class attitude.
It's like you can't show them that you're hurt or you're down. I remember when my grandmother died, I saw my dad and I go, hey, dad.
And he goes, grandma died. And then he just walked away.
Like there's no tears or anything. I was like, oh.
Grandma died. It's so abrupt.
It's so abrupt. But it's also like, it's just sometimes culturally, people aren't emotionally, the phrase, I've said this on the show, the phrase that always bothered me, if I said to my parents, like, oh, this and this and this, and I'm bummed about this and this and this, and my parents, both of them, would be like, it'll be all right.
Dude, it's so mean. It's so weird.
It'll be all right. It's like, okay, well, that doesn't help me at all.
Right. But as a kid, because I recall still a self-awareness as a kid thinking, this is weird.
Yeah. Oh, no, I knew.
I mean, that thought process of like, because because you watch TV not that not that I knew that like Leave it to Beaver was like completely fake. You know what I mean? Too hyper-alized.
But I had such the opposite extreme I knew that there was a middle ground there and I didn't have it. Where was it? Yeah.
It was there. It was like in the desert.
It's so funny. Yeah, no., I think we could all use that a little bit more.

More middle ground.

Yeah.

That's why you're such

a pleasant person.

I think so.

I think a lot of the trauma

is by people around me.

So I like...

Oh.

Oh.

Well, look who just showed up.

Wait a minute, Bob.

Yeah.

A half an hour late.

It's unbelievable.

3.30.

It's 4 o'clock.

She's gonna blame it on me.'s going to blame it on me.

She's going to blame it on me, but it was all her fault.

Andres said 4.

Did you?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

So whose fault is it?

It's your fault.

Yeah.

He was like, she's going to blame it on me.

She's going to blame it on me.

Dude, you're C-3PO.

That's a C-3PO move, dude. Yeah, you're an R2-D2.
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Look at the stuff, right? Look at this. Yeah.
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Rude. Hi, I just woke up.
I can tell what's going on. Put on your phone, put on them cans four o'clock.
So you did come on the right time. But Fancy B fucked it up once again.
Yeah.

And this is the thing with this show.

Sometimes it's cute that it's chaos and crazy.

Other times, the guy puts on a fucking jacket and a collared shirt,

but he can't tell when the people are supposed to be here.

Yeah.

How do we trust?

There's no trust.

How do we trust?

Yeah.

Congratulations, Argentina, by the way.

Congratulations.

Amazing. God bless Messi.
God bless Messi. God bless him.
He deserves it. Greatest of all time? Yeah, I think so.
Greatest of all time. I think so.
I mean, the argument is Ronaldo or him. Cristiano Ronaldo or him.
Oh, yeah. They both...
I mean, Ronaldo has a better record. But Messi.
But Messi is funner to watch. Messi, Messi.
He's more creative. Messi, Messi, Messi, Messi.

Messi.

I think we should still talk about family and all that.

Oh, yeah.

Do you want family stuff?

This is how much he doesn't talk about his feelings.

He's like, let's go to sports.

Yeah.

I mean, he went from like real, real talk to sports.

Well, because sports is family to me.

I know. But there's a problem there.
I know. Yeah.
All right talk about let's talk about family then go ahead i mean i guess maybe the moment slots i don't know well why'd you try to go back well i think she fucked it up who rudy yeah walking in late but it sounds right that's what she does all right that's right you know here's my thing yeah well let's do it real fast before we show this. Okay.
Rudy, how do you feel about the way you were raised?

Were you happy?

I don't know.

Were your dad abandoned you?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I get it.

What do you mean?

No, I understand that.

I mean, you look at her and you're like.

It's hard to stay.

I can't.

I mean, like my dad, he left.

He left and did drugs and went to prison because it was like,

what do I choose, cocaine or raise raise this little redhead Cocaine Nah Cocaine A little redheaded boy A little freckly faced ugly redheaded boy One look at that and you'd go I'm going to go do cocaine I would do heroin That's what I'm saying yeah cocaine's not strong enough you have to start somewhere yeah I would just disappear it's well that cocaine gets you there yeah cocaine is basically that does your dad he's still alive what right yeah he's left yeah just even going here no I push the mic with's alive. Yeah.
Does he, you talk to him? Yeah, sometimes. Is he proud of you? Yes.
Is there guilt? What do you mean? Is he, do I have? Does he feel guilt for not raising you? You know, I'm not him, but I assume for sure, yes. There's something there.
I think for sure he's sad that we're two different you know we're we're i'm a grown man he's a grown older man and he sees me now as an independent vehicle so it's we're two people just in space let me ask you this if your dad called you your biological dad that's what we're talking about yeah i know yeah and he's like What does he call you? Andrew. Ann.
Ann? Ann.

Oh.

Yeah. And he's like, what does he call you? Andrew.
Ann. Ann? Ann.
Oh, makes me sad. He goes, and? Ann? Yeah.
Ann, I'm going through a little difficulty. Can you let me...
Do it with a Chicago accent. Ann.
Ann. Ann.
Yeah, all your accents are the same. What? It's one thing.
Well, give me a Chicago one thing Do your Do a Chicago thing So I can get my mind wrapped around A-N is dead A-N is dead Let me do the best I can But the A's In Chicago A's are A-N A-N is dead Oh hey Pop What's going on? A-Doon are you eating right now Like so dead. Dead.
Dead. And dead.
Oh, hey, Pop. Hey.

What's going on?

How you doing?

Are you eating right now?

Yeah, I am.

It sounds like you're chewing on something.

I'm in a Philly cheese steak.

You're in a Philly cheese steak?

Yeah, delicious.

Man, you love those.

Anyway, hey, Ian.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm going through a little bind.

You're in a bind or you're going through a bind?

Both. Oh, wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're in some shit.
I'm in a bind. I'm going through a bind.
Forget about it. Okay, bye.
No. Oh, no, don't forget about it? No, don't forget about it, Ian.
Okay, so. You know, and, you know.
Are you using again? You don't sound sober. Yeah.
I'm just doing some cocaine.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Back to square one.

You just can't.

All right.

Anyway, how you doing?

I'm good.

Anyway, hey, I'm going through a bind.

In a bind.

You're in a bind.

Right.

And I need to borrow some cash.

How much?

Can you loan your pops 15 grand? Dude. Are you being real? Phone's hung up.
Really? No. 15 grand? No.
If he said he needs 15 grand, what for? I just can't pay rent. Oh, shit.
And I can't eat. Oh, shit.
Yeah. Sorry about the abandonment.
That's okay. Is that where you slide that in? I think you slide it in there.
No. In the beginning? I just go, that's a bummer, man.
Are you being real? I'd say, well, we'll try to figure it out. Would you compromise? Yeah.
Like I'm haggling? How about four grand? I'll give you three. You know what? I have a feeling.
All right. I'll give you one.
I have a feeling that you would. Yeah, I probably would.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't think I'd be in that circumstance, but I probably would.
Maybe. Because he's so, he just can't get humble enough to ask you? Well, he wouldn't need it.
He doesn't need my money. He's fine.
He's fine. In a bind, or going through a bind, whatever your dad said in the fucking sketch.
Well, what did he say in this? He goes, I'm going through a bind. All right, well, how about this? What happened? Tell me what happened.
Ann. Yeah.
How you doing? We already did that. We did that.
Tell me what happened. We did that.
Also, you know, Ann, you know, I got a house. I know.
Right, and I had to, I'll be honest and vulnerable in front of you, right? I had to give, I had to take a loan out of my house Oh Right Yeah people do that all the time Because you know your Uncle Sammy Uncle Sam You know old Uncle Sammy Oh yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah I remember him He's going through a bind Everybody's in a bind Just Hey Everyone in the Sant in the Santino family? Bound. Bound.
So, you know, he was going through something, and, you know, he had a little cocaine thing, too. And it transferred over to you? It transferred over to me, right? And then I lost the house.
Oh, shit. Right, and right now I'm at the Holiday Inn.
Oh, that's nice. Yeah, but I have one more day left of finances and I'm done.
They're going to keep me out on the street. Damn.
Yeah. Well, hold on.
I have another call. Are you being real? Bob.
Yeah. My biological dad is on the online.
He's asking for money. What is he going through? A bind.
Would you do it? You know know I don't know a genuine answer yeah genuinely I don't know are you being fucking kidding he's your fucking dad he's going through a bind you gotta help him how did he get bound you have money how did he 15 grand's a lot of life how did he bind bind? How did he bind? I just told you, Uncle Sammy.

He went through a bind.

Yeah, I don't know.

Really?

My genuine answer is I don't know.

Maybe you could recreate some moments you lost of your childhood before you gave him the money.

That's true.

There you go.

He could push you on a swing.

He could go back to the time.

Or I'll sit back on a stoop and he'll actually show up this time.

And you give him $1,000 each moment.

You recreate moments for my childhood that you fucked up on.

And I'll give you a grand every time.

Hey, Ann.

Yeah, Pop.

What's up?

I got the cancer.

Oh, shit.

I don't have health insurance.

Yeah, I know.

I'm going to die if I don't get the chemotherapy.

Yeah.

Yeah, I need $15,000. Yeah, I don't have health insurance.
Yeah, I know. I'm going to die if I don't get the chemotherapy.
Yeah. Yeah, I need 15 grand.
Yeah, I don't know, man. So there's no love there.
No, no, that's not true. I'm joking for the sake of the show.
But everything would be circumstantial. What is the circumstances that we're in that you need? Wow, I did not know that about you well this is what you what you're not explaining is okay you want me to be uh philosophical and deep about it that's why i'm asking because i've said this before because you don't understand the depths of the it'd be take too long for me to talk about it yeah but i've said this before anybody can be a father but it takes a lot to be a dad.
And that's just a fact of life.

And as you get older, you learn.

I think I saw that on a G.I. Joe episode.

It was at the coffee shop.

But I was going to say this quote.

I wrote this once when I was doing a bit about my old man

that I said,

a father has to finish once and a dad is never done. And I mean that.
Yeah. To be a father, you have to fucking nut in somebody one time and it may work.
Yeah. To be a dad means your job is to be a dad until you're dead.
So if we're being deep and honest, he was a biological father to me.

Right.

But my dad,

who raised me,

the guy who raised me.

But you wouldn't exist

without your dad,

your father.

Yeah.

Or my mom.

He gave you existence.

Yeah, but that's...

That's 15 grand.

No, that's the easiest thing

in the world.

Right.

Existence, 15 grand?

People come in people all the time.

How much is a sperm donor?

Probably like 10, 5. Maybe 10 grand? Yeah, that's a compromise.
I go, dude, I'll pay you out like you're a sperm donor. That's a compromise.
That's interesting to me, though. But the depths of the relationship would take me too long to explain to you about why I feel the way I do, that there is a disconnect.
Yeah, but just principally, what I would do, just this is just me. You don't have a dad and a stepdad.
You don't understand what it's like. I know, but I'm in the same situation.
You're not, but you're not. You didn't have a guy that raised you.
I've had cousins who I don't really have a relationship with. What? How do you think that's the same thing? I just, because it's just like, no, I don't have a relationship with them.
But fatherhood. So you're saying there's deep resentments there.
No, not resentments. It's just, it's just that you get as a young man when your father isn't a part of your life that you become your own man.
And maybe this is a male biological thing. You become your own entity and you kind of look at it as, well, you're a man.
I'm a man. I respect the idea that we're fam that we're family but i'm my own man and if you don't raise me you're just a man that had me like that that's like like the instant that what these guys are going to instill in their kids are like i'm going to be there for you forever right once you lose that for a child when it's in a developmental stage it doesn't trust you anymore i mean it's animalistic it's instinct once a dad is gone and leaves the child they immediately have to think independently like well that thing isn't with me anymore it creates a million different emotions and problems right but like my dad who raised me that guy he's my dad now would he would you loan him money i'd give him every dime in my.
Now would he, would you loan him money?

I'd give him every dime

in my bank account.

Oh.

Would you loan me money?

I'd give you every dime

in my bank account.

If you needed it.

If I needed 15 grand,

I'd just know where to go.

Thank you.

I would 100%,

I wouldn't think twice.

Yeah.

And of course I'd give

my biological father money.

I'm just,

I'm joking.

But I like,

but I'm saying like my,

if we're being genuine,

you wanted to get genuine.

Yeah,

that's,

I felt that way in the more recent years as a man of like any bozo can be a father.

But it takes a lot to be a dad.

I think it's important to be – it takes a lot to be a dad.

To like raise a kid.

Like this guy has got to sacrifice.

He hasn't been around.

And I appreciate that.

It's good because he's fucking paying. I like that.
I'm supportive of it. You haven't been around doing your business, but I know that you're a new dad, and I know you have a younger one.
What's it called? The one before. What is the kid called? What's it called? I don't know what the son's...
He doesn't like me, so I'm not going to memorize the name. Oh, he knows your name, though.
Yeah, he sees a photo of you. Every time I'm fucking around.
Well, he knows his name, because Bobby's famous. That's not impressive.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, your son knows a famous guy? Yeah, I'm verified.
He follows me on Instagram. My point is that whenever your kid's around, he just has a distrust there.
Every baby. No, no, no, no, no.
That's not true. I think it's true.
Okay, why? Why? Because. Because what? Because what? With every family gathering, there's always a baby.
And then whenever you go to them, the emotion is just crying and sadness. That's because babies cry like 90% of their life.
That's not him. When a baby sees a king, right? The energy the king exudes right the aura they can't help it they cannot help it they're overwhelmed overwhelmed with like just this spiritual emotion they just can't they don't have the brains or the emotional capacity to even you know comprehend it's like when someone goes to the wailing wall when somebody goes I've been there.
I cry you cry. Yeah

Yeah, that's what babies do when they put a note in the fucking crack

What did it say what what did it say?

Kanye no

No, it's a yay yay

Yay for life no, but I went to that wall. I got emotional is this maybe the babies are that.
He is a wall for babies. He is the wailing wall.
I think it's just the face of Peter Bobby. Okay, now you're being rude.
No, no. Explain.
Explain. It's the face when they see it.
He has a cute face. It's scary.
Okay. All right.
I love this. I love this path.
The path is great. And let's go down this path for a second.
Come on. So let me ask you something, all right? Let's suppose you didn't know who I was.
Yeah. Right? And I robbed you.
Yeah. Right? In daylight.
Now, the police, you're with the police, right? And they have, what did he look like? Explain me. No.
Explain it. Explain it.
Go on. Okay.
You be the cop. All right, see? Hey, see? Tell me what happened, kiddo.
What did he look like? He was really small. Small? What are we talking? Three foot? Four foot? Like, smaller than me.
Like, five two. Five two.
All right. Five two.
I do. And then...
I'm the illustrator, too. Can I be...
You're writing down the notes? Yeah, I'm noting then I'm the illustrator too Can I be You're writing down the notes Yeah I'm the illustrator Yeah go ahead So 5'2 So 5'2 He's Asian He's Asian That's Pretty broad There's a billion of them So what kind What kind I think Korean Cause Why Why His eyes are like Small but round. Small but round.

Much like a mogwai.

It's a mogwai.

Very mogwilian.

Yeah.

Got it. And then what else?

I noticed that on his thumb, it had like a green thing.

Wait, on his what?

Thumb.

Green thing on his thumb.

On his thumb, a green thing.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

What does that mean?

What was it?

I don't know.

Maybe like a fungus. Oh, so he's riddled with fungus.
Yeah. Fungus riddled Asian.
Okay. Yeah.
His eyes also had like eye boogers on it. Eye boogered fungus riddled Asian.
I'll get the yellow marker, put some eye boogers in there. Well, you should be using yellow the whole time, shouldn't you? Oh, that's right.
He's Korean. That is not.
I'll use the brown one for the eye. And he had a beanie.
A beanie. Excuse me? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Are you calling him a beanie? No, no, no.
The hat. Is he Hispanic? No, no, no.
What did you just say? He's wearing a beanie. Beanie.
Oh, a beanie. Not bean, beanie.
Let me repeat this back to you. Yeah, yeah.
Booger, fungus-riddled Asian wearing a Hispanic man on his head. Is that what I'm getting? Yeah.
All right. Is it a sombrero? No.
Why do you think that a baby doesn't like his cute face? He's got a great face. No, because when I first saw him, I also got scared, so I just feel like...
Insane. It's fucking insane.
Are you being honest and truthful? Yeah. She She is You can see it in her eyes Why though? Is it the way I was moving? Yeah Because you were like Like grunting Like Moving around Yeah I'm always panting Yeah well you're out of breath Also I have things on my mind You're busy I'm a busy guy in my mind What's the first thing on your mind right now? Go Tacos See It's tough He's got other things It's so much And I already ate today Ready? Hard shell, soft shell Soft Soft Sour cream? Yes Cheese? Yes Tomatoes? Yes Lettuce? Yes Chicken or meat? Meat Facts He's got a lot on his mind.
What kind of pizza? Pepperoni. Pepperoni with peppers and...
Pineapples. Pineapple, no.
Ham. No.
Gluten-free crust. No.
By the way, Juice dressed up and you didn't... Are you coming with us to eat dinner Do you know about the dinner? Yeah, I know about the dinner.
And you're wearing this to dinner. Are we going after? Yeah.
No. I thought it wasn't.
We're going to do it in our own minds. We're going to kinetically do it.
I'm fine with this. We're having a holiday dinner.
It's not a VR dinner. We're not plugging it.
Do you think we're going to go in the metaverse? No. This is fine.
Yeah, it is.

You look fine.

It's fine.

But honestly, this is the deal with this generation.

There are no rules.

There are no rules.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Nobody cares.

She could wear this, and hypothetically in a couple years, she could be the fucking CEO

of a massive company.

Oh, yeah.

Nobody would give a shit.

Also, can I just say this?

The way you look and the way you're dressed, we can say things out loud like exchange student She's our maid You can get a discount if they're foreign You have to play up the accent Look I'm a waiter I come over to the table You have to do a broken English Do broken English like you're just learning it Hi little foreign girl Are you with the big party the other party uh yeah wait wait wait there's something going on there's something going on there yeah she's doing this yeah I don't know how don't scream I don't know how oh yeah wait you're supposed to be I thought so they said that look we're gonna going to apply a discount to the meal Can I just show my visa? You spoke perfect English I thought you were not from here Listen, let's start over I don't think you get what this fucking scene is Alright, so the scene is this Why don't we play both of you You're both foreign exchange exchange students. You can talk first.
You cannot have a fucking accent. The way you talk.
You can be from anywhere. You have to have an accent.
You can be from Croatia. I can help you guys.
Yes. Sound like him.
Also create different names. We're walking in.
You guys are walking here we go right hi girls I'm I'm a beau field and this is the manager yeah hi say your name Damien this is the manager Damien yeah and we were told that you guys were looking for the foreign foreign exchange discount which we're proud to get only fine and I have to be admit I'm Damien by the way but I said I'mfield. That's Burfield.
And I created this program. Because Damien, of course, is from? Mongolia.
Mongolia. So we're willing to give discounts for people.
I'm Mongolian. He's Mongolian.
Yeah, yeah. Where are you guys from? Miss, where are you from? Let's start with the white one.
Oh, may I say white? Can I say it? We always start with the whites. Let's give somebody else a chance that is true uh so yeah hi what's your name uh i'm from the philippines oh oh did

she say pilipine yeah i don't know oh wow what's your what's your name what's your name oh oh

wonderful wonderful how long you've been here how How long you been here in the States? Three years. Three.
That's three. Three years.
I'm just gonna say three on the thing. It sounds like three.
Yeah. And tree.
Yeah, we know what three is, ma'am. Thank you.
Okay. Numbers are the same all over the world who's your friend who are you yeah yes oh by the way doesn't by the way yeah very accurate foreigner there we go they will always just say yes they always say yes when you're like hey are you how are you doing they're like yes yes is a safe bet for a foreigner the only time fancy said yes to people when somebody's just like oh it's beautiful out yes yes and they take credit so where are you from where are you from yes I'm from Russia oh you're from Russia what part of Russia yeah I speak Russian oh good I don't you don't speak Russian from there oh you're No speak English either.
Oh, no speak English either. You're very Russian.
Dumb. Oh, she's stupid.
Oh, she's stupid. Do you know your name? Do you know enough to know your name? Yes.
Name. Looking for Bobby.
Oh, she thinks her name is Bobby. No, looking for Bobby and Andrew.
Two bad friends. We're bad friends.
When you do this, are we flossing? No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is this? Oh, oh. We're going to have to remove these people from there.
Yeah, yeah.

You don't get the discount.

Can you leave our restaurant?

It's insane.

Because in this scene, we're not.

Who's Bobby and Andrew?

We have no idea.

Damien and that's.

That's Bowfield.

Bowfield.

We're looking for Bobby.

Oh, the table.

That's what they're looking for.

Yeah, but we don't know who the fuck that is.

They're already in the restaurant because they came here with us.

Describe that.

That's what they're saying.

I got it.

Now I get it.

Now I get it.

Oh, so it's the handsome Korean and the weird white guy. Small, small, small and.
Excuse me, the small guy and then the what? And the big. And the big.
Small and big. What do they look like? Orange.
Orange. Orange.
Yeah, that's the big guy. We did see a tall orange man.
Yeah, yeah. Orange.
What's the little one? Yellow Yellow Orange and yellow Yeah I get it That's good Yeah they're nice Yeah they're back there And together they look like the sun Yes yes A foreign discount Yeah yeah yeah Foreign discount Foreign discount They got what they wanted At the end of the day Very good You push hard enough You get what you fucking want. So we're doing that tonight? Yeah, you guys have to do it tonight.
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I want to ask you, Jules, this shirt. Do you love Rick and Morty? Because everybody loves it.
Yeah. You love it, Juice.
Yes. Do you like it? I've seen a couple.
The world loves it. And so what I did was i fucking downloaded a whole season on my ipad yeah

and the last flight i took i was like i gotta watch it everybody talks about it and i watched it

not good it's i don't get it oh i don't i don't i don't not get it i just i don't get the hype i

was like this is fun but people are obsessed you know like i always thought it was good but i was

like i don't i'm not what i'm like that with, you're gonna get angry. What? Because dudes like you from the comedy world get angry with what I'm about to say so just calm your nerves.
I'm prepared. Alright.
The Simpsons for me is the same. You just mean like the recent episodes, right? No, any of them.
You're out of your fucking, You're like... You're...
Any of them. It's so annoying.
I literally watch them. I don't...
I understand what the jokes are. I do.
I'm like, you know, cute. The Simpsons is so...
It's so not funny to me. Oh.
Yeah. Okay.
Respect. Well, I love Rick and Morty.
You don't like that. I know.
I don't not like it. It just didn't hit me.
Yeah, it didn't click for me. I was like, oh, like the way that South Park does and Family Guy does because the comedy is so raw.
South Park makes me laugh. It's hilarious.
But I'm more also a Ren and Stimpy guy. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like paranoia. I like more emotion than just verbal jokes.

Yeah.

I mean, yes.

You like the more visual chaos.

I love chaos. Rick and Morty is chaos, right?

It is.

I did like it, but it's-

The most embarrassing thing that I've ever experienced is I get a call from Family Guy

because I would do a lot of their Asian voices at one point.

Really?

Sometimes, like two or three times.

Check it.

So one day I get a call going, they wrote a whole episode, right, with you and you're throughout the whole thing, the episode. But we need you to come in and do the table read in front of everyone.
And I bombed so hard. No.
It was so embarrassing. Not a single laugh.
When I wasn't on it, it would kill. And every time I would talk, I think my accent was way too thick because they wanted an Asian accent yeah and they felt uncomfortable and I remember just you know I just I remember just picking up my shit like that script in my backpack and just walking out of the room no one said anything to me it was so and I never did another one a family guy yeah it was so embarrassing so you not doing a voice.
They got rid of that episode. Shit.
It was so embarrassing. Oh, my God.
I don't know why I just said that. I've done a few episodes.
It was great. And American Dad.
I've done both. I've done both too.
Yeah, okay. No, all jokes aside.
Go fuck yourself. No, I'll give you.
Let me level with you. Yeah, yeah.
Have you ever bombed? Oh, my God. I'm about to tell you Will Ferrell fucking what was it what movie was it maybe it was that bank heist movie or something funny or die I go to funny or die offices I'm a little hungover but whatever not.
Not bad. Yeah.
I go, I go to read multiple characters. Like, you know, and they call you and you're like, will you come just do a bunch for the table read? And then hopefully.
I hate when they do that. I fucking love it.
Apatow used to do it to me all the time. Judd.
And I've called him out. Judd.
Fucking Judd. I hate it.
Fucking Judd. I've done it with him too.
Yeah. Fucking Judd.
And then, he did, he used to do it all the time. But I go into Funny or Die.
This movie's kind of funny, but it's like a big heavy hitter. There's a lot of names.
And I'm next to Will Ferrell. And I have to be like at one point this cop.
I haven't read the script. I'm just a table read.
I'm not in the movie yet. Yeah.
And I fuck up. Once a little bit, I stumble.
And I think, that was weird.

Not a big deal.

Yeah.

The next line, I misread it.

And everyone's laughing.

Yeah.

Because they think I'm joking.

Yeah.

I misread it.

It was supposed to be like concierge.

And I'm like, consigliere.

Dude.

Yeah.

And they're laughing, thinking I'm being funny. And now they all kind of kind of and then a second they can feel my nervousness because the next few lines i can't get i'm stumbling now i'm in my head i'm like panicking and feral kind of keeps like you know i can see people looking and i'm bombing and at the end of it all after i finally fucking get through it i say to the casting casting director, who I won't mention, I was like,

you know,

is there a chance of me

still getting one of the roles?

And she's like,

they're cutting out

all of those parts.

Because of me.

Because I ate shit so fucking bad.

They were like,

we have to cut these fucking,

we're not gonna,

this is embarrassing.

I got one.

Yeah.

I was at Taylor Reid.

I played this chef,

right?

And the line is,

there was like three times

Thank you. This is embarrassing I got one Yeah I was at Table Read I played this Chef Right And The line is There was like three times I'd use this one word I go do you want Shit take Right Right And every time I'd say Shit take The police would laugh It was all the Fox executives They would laugh And I was like That's weird That's a straight roll right shit take and then at the end they go it's shiitake and I go what also it is shit take by the way you're not wrong right yeah then name it another mushroom then because it's shit take right yeah shit talkie fine also shit take it's spelled the same can I tell you not my fucking fault can i do the worst thing that's ever happened though all right this one but it's it was a prank on me right and it was like insane and i i honestly think i don't think they would be able to do it now right so this is the final table read of mad tv right the last episode the last episode and so back then what would they you had no they would deliver the scripts to your house every Monday night.
Oh, yeah. Right? So there's no emails.
Somebody would come, knock on the door. We would get the script.
And you would rumble. In a sketch show, you get 40 sketches.
They pick up like 15. Yeah.
Right? So you have to go through 40 sketches to see where you're at. What? That's a nightmare.
It's a nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare.
So you're just going through. And it's also like 11 at night and the table reads in the morning.
Wow. They didn't give you a lot of time.
So I see this one sketch, which is a reoccurring sketch that Krista Flanagan and I think Artem Marine did. Right? And I'm never in them.
They've done 30 of those. I've never been in it but this time i'm like i'm in one some some character named rafael right and so it's basically these two people talking right in between rafael would show up and he would say stuff like i'm gonna snap like that's what it would say and then later it would say you know i mean you guys all better run because I'm going to snap.
That's what it would say. And then later it would say, you know what I mean? You guys all better run because I'm going to shoot up the place.
Right? Yeah. And at the end of the sketch, Raphael had a bunch of things to say.
He would say stuff like bird noises. You know what I mean? And then like, ow, ow, right? And then flap your wings.
It said on the flap your wings. Flap your wings.
Right? I show up at the table read. Mind you, I'm the only one that has that script.
Everyone has the script without Raphael. Oh, my God.
Right? And only the writer, one writer, knows about it. No one else knows, right? So when I'm saying the lines, I go, I'm going to snap.
I can see people, like chairs go back. I'm not kidding you.
I'm going to snap. Right? You know what I mean? Seriously, I'm going to shoot at the place.
I see three people stand up. That's so funny.
And toward the end, I'm like. The place is silent, right? And from the corner of my eye, I see the girl, the writer, on the ground with her dying, right? Half the room is like standing up, and they were like, right? And at the end, there was like a five second thing when the sketch is over, where Katie finally gets up.

That's her name, Katie.

And she goes, I'm sorry, that script,

his is the only script that's like that.

You know what I mean?

It was just a joke for me, right?

And the rage.

Yeah.

Now you were gonna snap.

I was gonna snap.

And shoot up, shoot up.

But everyone was laughing so hard that I couldn't do it.

I was like, that's a good one. You know what I mean? Like I was doing that.
How insane is that? Who's Katie doing? Katie Dippold. Oh.
You know her? Well, I mean, she wrote the Ghostbusters movie. Yeah.
She's a great writer. Yeah.
Good friend, but my God, man. That was crazy.
This is a genius prank. It's a genius prank, but also like...
That's a sketch. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so fucking funny.
It's not. Well, it really isn't.
In retrospect, it's funny. It's funny when it's you.
Yeah, but I highlighted that. And also, it made me feel like a fool because I'm like, when I have when I was looking at it I should have said

this seems weird like what is the context of this guy being in there because it never said I was like a part of the show you never talked to the writer you weren't like hey can I talk to you about this sketch no because you're in so many you don't you really don't and also the lines are simple so I'm like I guess I'll deliver it like this oh it's. What a terrible fucking day.

Somebody got a heart attack from watching

the new Avatar in theaters.

Wait, what?

Yeah, well, I don't know.

Somebody always gets a heart attack in a movie.

I don't know.

But somebody died from watching Avatar.

Why?

Because it was...

Too long?

So good, I guess.

So long, huh?

Too blue.

Too blue.

Too blue.

You saw Avatar and you're excited, huh?

So give me that one through ten.

What is it?

One, two, um... Oh, you just numbers are throwing her off.
A through Z. No, no.
That's a thing. I give it a Z.
Maybe like a, I don't know, seven, eight. A seven, eight.
Seven point eight or a seven slash eight? Seven slash eight. Got it.
So you can't decide. Seven and a half.
So what are the positives and negatives of the movie? Like the plot is like simple. Like them colonizing the planet.
Like the first movie. Yeah, like the first movie.
That's the whole, yeah. Yeah, and then it's just the CGI is really pretty.
And then they go to the other tribes. And you see like different colors of them and then how like since they you should be a reviewer I mean this could be an article different colors of them and since the other tribes adapted to the water they have like longer like skin and then their tails are like more like of a fish like other than yeah it's just pretty you're going you're going back to school huh yeah i'm not watching the movie now yeah why well you didn't sell it i'm not good at selling i know i know what do you think you're the best at sleeping yeah it's true very good at it what could what do you think you're the best at That you could actually Like do for a job A job You could do sleep studies I guess You could do sleep Yeah I guess But you'd be too sleepy To do them Yeah they're like Miss you can't just sleep We need you to be alive as well Yeah Can they like I don't know Observe Just me Oh you want to be A professional observer Not me observing Them observing me While you sleep Oh you want to be Oh I see She wants to be a Guinea pig A guinea pig Yeah That's kind of what this is What do you want to do She's doing it What do you mean What do you want to be When you grow up I want to be Keep doing The stand up And just have have that career keep growing the way it's going and acting more okay yeah what's your what's your ultimate dream studio apartment you're gonna get that no i want to be in uh i want to be in movies with you guys i want to be in you don't want to be in movies i want to get we're too old better movies better yeah you know what i mean what did you just say he better movies he said Dude you're fucking I know he's really fucking doing it I'm not gonna beat the shit out of you I hate you dude Let me ask you Do you think you're gonna be bigger Than Elijah Schlesinger? I could see myself Being at her level Wow good Whitney? Like I feel like I'm entering that inner circle.
Look at that.

Whitney told me the nicest thing the other day.

I was working a lot.

Also, rest in peace, Whitney's mom.

Yeah.

Sad her mom died.

Really sad.

Man, I was very sad.

Sorry, what did she say to you?

She came in a lot, and she told me that she's been seeing my social media blowing up, which

was cool to me, that she was even noticing me, that I reminded her of right before she got her television show. Shit.
That's cool. And it was very motivating and cool to hear.
I hope you get a television show. Yeah.
The Jet Ski Stew story. What do you want to be when you grow up, Bob? Oh, God, I have so many dreams.
Something with soil. Hmm.
Yeah, something about soil. You mean like- I want to put my hands in it You can do that I don't think anything No as a living though For a job Crops So you want to be a farmer No No I want a botanist You want to be a botanist Yeah He does have that green thumb You got I don't have a green thumb I don't know why you said that You know what Oh my god And that's an issue That we're gonna talk about I don't have a green thumb That don't know why you said that Oh my god I don't have a green thumb I know but you said I don't have a green thumb There's no fucking algae It was a hammer I've been waiting for that You're even loading it up I just want to see life grow I'm being real I know I see myself living not in a cabin but in a house there's a lot of land and me out there with a hat what do you mean? like one of those hats you can say it like a no sunbaro Like a Say it Like a rice

What?

Like a

What?

Like a rice paddy hat?

Yeah

Yeah, a rice paddy hat

Okay

Yeah

And being out there

And putting stuff

You know

You're starting the grow process

Putting seeds

Planting

Planting seeds

Planting seeds

Putting the soil back on

Fertilizer

Some water

And then

And good vibes

And good vibes

Living a simple

What about you?

What are my dreams?

Yeah

Thank you. putting the soil back on, fertilizer, some water, and then...
And good vibes. And good vibes, living a simple...
What about you? What are my dreams? Yeah. My dream is to one day escape the chains of Hollywood.
God, I love it. Break away.
Me too, man. Move to a extremely exclusive private nudist colony.
Yeah. On a body of water.
Of course. On an island.
On any body of water. Yeah, island.
Well, I don't get it. Everything's on a body of water, no? Some places are landlocked.
But if you look at... I i'm sorry i just if you look at north america on a on a map there's still water around it's on a body of water or but many places are landlocked what's landlocked mean nebraska is landlocked it's in the middle of the thing there's if you look at the whole continent as a whole one chunk yeah that yeah i Yeah.
I look at it like that. So you think everything is surrounded by water? Yeah.
I mean, technically, if you look at it. Technically, everything is.
Northern America could just be a gigantic island. No.
Because it's connected to something else. With the Bering Strait, you mean to Russia? Is that what you're saying? Up north.
We're connected all the way up north. Yeah, I know.
I'm saying that's North America. Canada's a part of North America, right? But keep going farther.
There's a little bit of water in between that little bit straight, right? So, I mean, essentially it's all... Kind of an island.
Oh, but you know what? You're right. North America and South America are connected by Mexico and Honduras and all that stuff.
And Central America. You.
So you're right. I get it now.
So I want to be a part of a nudist colony. Yeah.
Not Nevada. But like on an island.
Water. Okay.
And I want to be the musician. Everybody has a job.
I want to be the local musician. I can always see you do bongos.
With my dick. Whatever.
I want to play steel drums. I want to play steel drums, and I want to be a musician for a nudist colony, but the nudist colony's got to be 60 and up up nobody's under 60.
How old are you at this point?

60 and up.

You could have been the one guy.

No this is my retirement plan.

Because if it's your oh because 60 and up.

Because if you did it next year and you started it and you have that 60 and up rule you could

still be there because you own the thing.

I get it but I want to be 60 and up so I want to be my 60th birthday I'm moving moving there i'm quitting at that point i'll be in my 70s you'll be dead that's right but could you use my bones as the like a bongo drum thing use my bones or something okay how about this let's do this i'm i'm 40 this year uh you're 12 years older than me right right you'll be 72 when I'm 60. That's incredible.

Think about that.

Yeah.

I think I'll still be alive.

At 72?

Yeah.

When do you think you tap out?

80.

Because my parents,

my mom's 80 and my dad died when he was 80.

I would think that maybe

80 is the number.

Could be.

But I think your mom's

going to live for a long more time.

Maybe 10 more years, yeah.

That's a long time.

What about you?

When do you want to tap out?

Oh, I thought

we were still doing Bobby. I think you'll go much older too.
Thank you more years, yeah. What about you? When do you want to tap out? Oh, I thought we were still doing Bobby.

I think you'll go much older, too.

Thank you. Yeah.
Asians?

I think

I'm going to live pretty old, too.

My family lives long.

So what are we talking? 90? 100?

90. Have you seen the picture of this 109-year-old

monk that just died?

Well, you can't Google anything.

Monk. What happened? No, well they can't google anything monk what happened but no there they go i started working again the buddhist monk look at this guy look at a picture of this guy he just died well this year i guess i should say look at him whoa that's 109 can you give me the third photo and zoom in on it i think he was in game of thrones yeah he at this point, right? He's alive right there.
He's alive right there. Jules.
What? Jules' face. His skin.
What? She looks like she saw a mummy. Yeah.
He looks normal to me. What's so obscure about this? What about the second photo? He's alive in the second photo? Yeah, he's playing Scrabble, I think.
He's blessing a child. What? He's blessing a child.
Look at that. Oh, he is? Oh, there's a kid there.
Yeah. That kid is so scared.
You have to let the skeleton touch you. In order to be blessed.
In the first one, he's about to sneeze. Let me see the first one.
That's why I killed him. No, he just did a bump, dude.
He's awake. He did a bump of meth.
He needs to do a little bit of bump that way he can bless people for an hour. Imagine being that old.
If you sneeze and your head falls off. Yeah.
Like you sneeze and his head whips back. Yeah.
I mean, this is crazy. There's also this family.
Look up this family. They exhume their grandmother's body they exhume their grandmother what does that mean? exhume means removed from their tomb or grave it's fucking nuts family exhumes grandma after 10 years click on that look at this I just saw this on the news and the whole community was like look at those photos they fucking pulled her out of the ground and like walked her around What? Dude it's crazy The blurred out faces The dead body Go to images You can see it without blurred In images I bet you They've shown it unfiltered Because I've seen it unfiltered You can see her Look there Let me look Yeah go Give me that one 10 years dead And they've exhumed her That's 10 years? 10 years Not bad Not bad.
Wow. Not bad.
Would you still smash? Not bad. I said not bad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's insane.
Oh, whoa! That's insane. That's insane, dude.
That can't be real. That's 100% real.
That feels illegal. What are they doing, though? Well, they're walking around.
They just, they love her. I know they love her, but.
Go back to the article and see what country it was from. Obviously, this is not here.
You know that, get away from this stuff But away with this stuff I don't know that guy looks like he's from Cleveland Go to all baby doll Where is it what country was it in Dominican Republic The DR baby The DR They're good at baseball and digging up dead bodies They've've seen Coco, and they thought they could bring it. Check out New York Post's first line.
Yeah, what does it say? She was still drop-dead gorgeous. Really funny.
Really funny. That is very funny.
That's insane. Look at that.
In the video, they're dressing her. They're putting a dress on her.
I mean, it's gross because I don't know her, but I'll do that for you, Bobby. Yeah, back up so in the article i don't know if it says it look there she is you can see that video is unfiltered in the in the one the first thing i read it had said the whole town people were fucking livid they were like why are you doing this it probably stinks like respect the dead why are you fucking doing it and the family was like we loved her we want to Dude, how crazy.
She's dead. Yeah.
And they pulled her out of the ground. Would you be created? Yeah.
We talked about it. Yeah, we talked about it.
No, no, no. But I talked about this literally last night because I said my grandfather used to have a great quote.
He said, don't ever bury me in the ground or anybody in our family should never be buried. Why? He says, land is for the living.
He's like, land is for the living. You're taking up somebody else's time and space.
He's like, be burned and then return to the earth. But you're underground.
How is that? There's different levels of it. Yeah, but you can't live above a cemetery.
You can. I've seen poltergeist.
You can. No, but it's true though.
I wholeheartedly, I remember him saying that I was a kid, and I was like, oh, that's really poignant.

Let me ask you this.

If there was a land that was a cemetery, there's maybe hundreds of bodies buried, right?

And they go, you can have this land for you.

You can build a house on here.

Yeah.

Would you?

No.

Why?

Why the fuck of all the other land? Because you think it's going to be haunted?

No, it's for free.

No, I don't want to be.

It's right by the ocean.

Why do I want to be on top of dead people?

You get a gigantic in Malibu, gigantic plot of land. I would say dig all those bodies up then, and I'll build it afterwards.
No, we have to's right by the ocean. Why do I want to be on top of dead people? You get a gigant...
In Malibu.

Gigantic plot of land.

I would say dig all those bodies up then

and I'll build it afterwards.

No, we have to keep the bodies down there.

Why?

What?

Why?

Because they paid for it,

but you can have the land.

You wouldn't build a nice house on top of it?

Why are you giving me the land?

I own the cemetery.

Okay, so get rid of it.

Lee and Sons.

Oh, is that Lee and Sons Cemetery?

Yeah.

In Malibu?

In Malibu.

Well, dig up the bodies and get them out of here. I would never...
You'd build a house on a fucking cemetery? No, but I'm just wondering why. Because it's like the bodies are underground, right? I think the only reason why is because of ghosts.
But also, it's disrespectful. To what? To the fucking idea...
They're dead! I know. Well, then what? Don't put them down in the first place.
You're in the ground. If I'm a corpse, I'm in a fucking...
There it is. Right.
I'm in it, right? And I'm like, they're building a house on top of me. Oh, no.
You're going to haunt them forever. Forever.
Every resident that comes there. Okay.
Also... Why did you build on me? Also what? I'd have to go to your house your house.
Hey, can I visit Bobby? Yeah. And you take me to your living room.
You think people would come? Oh, right, right. Okay.
What she's saying is something that we all already know, is when you die, I'm keeping you in my yard. You're going to be buried in my backyard.
I want you near me all the time. I think it's crazy.
Do you want to be cremated or buried? Do you want to be buried? You have to think about it? I think so. Why? For people to come visit your site.
Yeah, you fame whore. You fucking...
You want to be at the fucking Hollywood Forever Cemetery. No, it's not going to be like fucking Elvis in Memphis.
No one's going to fucking draw anything on my fucking... Okay.
Please do. Okay.
How okay how about this yeah you're given the opportunity to be buried next to some of your most the people that you respect the most yeah now now will you do it in the center of Hollywood if they're like yeah we're gonna bury you next to like your favorite like okay um let me see so Charles Bronson yeah Bronson right and Steve McQueen they're there yeah in between yeah because let's suppose spirits do hang out and it's just proximity based right and I'm like I'm like oh shit that's Charles Bronson's ghost how sick yeah Steve McQueen that'd be cool burn me up okay burn me up are you guys what's your what are you guys girls what is it I to be cremated. Yeah 100%.
And we also made an agreement with Dito Bobby that when he dies he needs to give me a signal that spirits are alive. Oh yeah yeah.
Oh right like contact me in the afterlife. Yeah.
What is the signal? Do you have you guys communicated what it is? Yeah I'm going to ghost queef on her face. She's going to hear the...
So you're going to have a pussy in the afterlife? Yes. Hey, man, you pick your life, I guess.
You want to ghost queef, right? Yeah. So what juice? Are you going to be cremated or buried? I've always wanted to be cremated, but when I saw that video, I think that would be cool to leave the option.
Yeah, that would be a good option. That would be a good option.
Thank you. All right, you two right you two what about you two you cremated for sure for sure for sure george throw it out to sea yeah throw me away just fucking well i i never understood holding on to it but i did say like we all were given a piece of my grandfather to spread around you know oh and there were so many of us i was like i wonder what piece i got like what did we get right right i get like a cheekbone you know what i mean like what did i really get we put it in my mom's garden in the backyard.
It's so funny because I was like, I wonder what piece I got. Like, what did we get? Right, right.
I get like a cheekbone. You know what I mean? Like, what did I really get? We put it in my mom's garden in the backyard.
It's so funny because I was super detached from it when I got the ashes. I thought nothing of it.
Then when I opened it up to spread it, it was crazy. Why? I felt something.
It was so crazy. You got to be kidding me.
I swear to God in my life. I started bawling.
It was nuts. I mean, it's a burnt body yeah but when you can when you pour it out you can hear stop my question is i can ask i don't know how they do it does white people look different no in the afternoon you mean the ashes are way white what are you talking about you think my dad's ashes are yellow yeah yeah that's hilarious yeah um because when they burn it up, Yeah.
Right? Yeah. They put the body in the incinerator.
Incinerator. They don't clean it out every time.
Well, the heat is so high, it kills off everything. I understand that, but there's still going to be ashes from other people in there.
So you've got somebody else's dad as well. I'm just saying everyone has a mix of everyone.
They clean it out pretty diligently because of that, I would imagine. I don't think so.
You think they just let it be? I'm just like, if I'm the guy that does it. So what? Hey, Bob, time to clean it out.
I'd be like, I already did it. Well, yeah, you wouldn't have this job.
That's why. Oh, I see.
I don't think we're going to let you work in that industry. But that's what I would do.
Right, they'd fire you. I did it already.
Are you sure? Bobby, they tested some of the ashes. found that that was from 38 other people you think so you do think they clean it up they've gotta there's no way they don't i mean come on how could they all right out of respect i think the thing that creeps me out the most is when i went down to the south when you go down to um new orleans and they've got all those mausoleums you know like the tombs the above ground tombs yeah that's so fucking creepy to me yeah in spain on sundays families go to the cemetery they clean the tombs they right see this is what i was talking about the religious stuff in latin cultures it's fucking insane the way you guys are with death and religion and all that shit these things it's less creepy if you think about what would happen if they didn't have them though see bobby wants one of those so many ghosts bro that's dope you and i next to.
Yeah, bad friends. Dude, look at that.
The ones you don't want to miss. Look, it's even on here is that you don't want to miss these cemeteries.
It's one person's buried there, right? One person? Bobby wants a don't want to be missed cemetery. Dude, one guy's buried.
That's fucking dope. Okay, let's do that.
I'll do that. Yeah, let's do that.
I'll do that. That I'll do with you.
A regular tombstone's bullshit. How much is that?

Each of those are probably 100, 200 grand.

Who knows?

In Latin America?

Huh.

A little less.

Well, maybe we could get buried.

Can I get a discount in Latin America?

Yes.

And then bring the thing here?

No, you have to do it there.

Oh, I do.

But I guess we could be buried there.

How do you say bad friends in Spanish?

Malos amigos. Malos amigos.
bad friends in Spanish? Malos amigos.

Malos amigos.

Are we going to visit Malos amigos today?

All right.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Malos amigos.

Malos amigos. Yeah.
Woo. Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.