The Diamond Brothers

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Speaker 2 Oh, ouch.

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Speaker 3 Hey, bad friends! My special cheeseburger is out right now on Netflix. Please watch it.
Please share it.

Speaker 3 Tell people, double thumbs up, like it, and tell everyone you know to watch Cheeseburger on Netflix right now. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 3 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 Get a hot glass. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that song? Yeah. Well, that's Blondie.
I stole.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I stole. I had.
I stole. I shouldn't say that.
I took two bags filled with clothes. It was so cool.

Speaker 2 And guess what Jesse did, Juicy? What? She stole her shoes from Herman Munster. Yo!

Speaker 2 Where do you get those?

Speaker 3 Lift up your feet. Let me see your shoes.

Speaker 2 What the fuck?

Speaker 3 Oh, those are tight. Those are tight.

Speaker 2 Who makes them? Do you like them? No. Oh, I thought

Speaker 2 you were complimenting me. What? Would you wear them?

Speaker 4 Would you wear those? These aren't for Andrew.

Speaker 2 You would would never wear those. Orthopedics? Yeah.

Speaker 3 They're good for my back. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They're very jeuceous.

Speaker 3 What are you doing with these big old stilts?

Speaker 4 I want to be taller.

Speaker 2 No, they look tight.

Speaker 3 I'm not going to lie. That's what's hipped out for the kids.

Speaker 2 Yeah. These are cool.
Wait, wait. That's what's for the kids?

Speaker 3 100%. That is absolutely a hip shoe for the kids.
Type in hip shoes for kids.

Speaker 4 I will say I had red laces on them. And then last night at the store, people told me to take them off because I guess that's what the Nazis are doing.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You do that? Yeah. Well, they love the color red.
Yeah. And black.

Speaker 3 Yes, we do. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, what?

Speaker 3 No, do hip shoes for Gen Z. You're Gen Z, aren't you?

Speaker 4 I'm a millennial, but thank you.

Speaker 2 Are you really?

Speaker 3 I thought you were Gen Z.

Speaker 4 32.

Speaker 3 Oh, you just made it. Right? Is that what it is?

Speaker 2 Or no, you're the other. Oh, there they are.
Wow. Wow.

Speaker 3 Batega Veneda.

Speaker 4 That's how much mine was too.

Speaker 2 Those are $1,500? Yeah. Oh, wow.
Wow. I've been saving up all my money for that.
Amazing.

Speaker 3 Well, let's give a lot of love. Let's give love where love is due.

Speaker 3 I got to tell you something, man. I love you.

Speaker 3 I love you.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to say that. You were a little hostile the other night.
Let's move on from it. Can I talk about it? A little hostile, but let's move on from it.

Speaker 3 No, because can I talk about it?

Speaker 2 It's going to enrage me and I want a mood. No, you're not listening.
Please, go ahead. Can you let me finish? It's an apology.

Speaker 3 I'm saying, I am, I told you I'm sorry that night because I didn't like an interaction

Speaker 3 and I love you.

Speaker 3 And I even said on the stairs, I said, I don't want something like that to get between us.

Speaker 2 And look at me in the face.

Speaker 3 It never will again. Really? Yeah, because I was pissed off, not at you.

Speaker 2 But it came at me.

Speaker 3 Well, you know why I was mad and you agreed that it was not okay.

Speaker 2 What happened? I didn't do anything. No, no, no.
Oh, so the interaction that you had before me was not okay, which I agree with. Yeah.
But you brought that hostility into my life. Look at me.

Speaker 2 I apologize. I apologize.
And I love you very much.

Speaker 3 I love you. One, two, three.
I love you.

Speaker 2 I love you so much, and I apologize.

Speaker 3 I was bummed. You were bummed.
And Bobby didn't deserve any of the.

Speaker 2 Well, I saw him walking down the hallway, and I can just tell he has like that Northman thing.

Speaker 2 He brings his shoulders in, and he's just like walking directly toward me, right? Now I look for axes when they have, you know, when they walk like that, I look for the axes and the knife.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that I look for all that shit, right? So, does he have that? No, it's probably in the car in my head, right? It is. And he comes up to me and he goes, hey, you,

Speaker 2 like, you know, like a Viking. Like a Viking, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Japanese Viking?

Speaker 2 That's my Viking. Hey, you.
No, hey, you.

Speaker 2 Is that a pirate?

Speaker 3 Kind of. Yeah, I don't know.
Kind of piratey. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, you, Hey, yo. Hello.

Speaker 2 That's good. Yeah.
And you just,

Speaker 2 how come you, like, something about like phone calls? I haven't made any phone calls for people.

Speaker 3 I love when you make phone calls.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's what it is.

Speaker 3 I need you to make phone calls.

Speaker 2 No, because you were trying to get me to call people. No, I know what it was.
Yeah. I know exactly what it was.
It doesn't matter. No, I want it.
Can I just bring it up? Yeah, fine. All right.

Speaker 2 How come your agents... You bought my agents.
Yeah. Right.
And it was about, like, what do I have to do with my agents?

Speaker 3 I say, pick up the fucking phone and tell them to say yes to the goddamn Anderson. We're trying to go on tour.

Speaker 2 It's 8 o'clock at night, though. We're trying to go on tour!

Speaker 3 See, there it is.

Speaker 2 Send them an email. Anyway, I accept your apology, and you're welcome.
That's that. I love you.

Speaker 3 God bless. I love you, too.

Speaker 3 And can I say something? What?

Speaker 3 Two things. One, thanks to the fans locally in L.A., sold out the shows for the bad friends

Speaker 3 two nights, and all the money's going to the

Speaker 3 door humans. What? Can I just say something? Yeah, you want to keep some of the money? No.

Speaker 2 Can one of the doormen not get any money?

Speaker 3 Yeah. You know what's so funny?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Me? No, not you.
No, no, yeah. She doesn't get any money.
No, I want her to get the money.

Speaker 4 We did the math because we were talking about what if there's one door guy that doesn't do a good job. We're like, what if he doesn't get the money?

Speaker 4 And we did the math and it's like an extra $22 for each of us.

Speaker 2 Nice.

Speaker 4 So it's kind of not worth it.

Speaker 2 That's how much you're making?

Speaker 4 No, if we divided it into

Speaker 3 26 door people.

Speaker 4 So it's kind of not worth just like stabbing him in the back to split.

Speaker 2 his.

Speaker 2 You know why? He deserves it. He's so funny.
He did something last week, and he's doubling down. And I just have to get this off.

Speaker 3 He's so fucking funny. Yeah.
Whatever he did, I'm going to laugh. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Oh, God,

Speaker 2 you're doing the Northman thing again.

Speaker 3 I'm not Northman in at all.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You're not doing the shoulder, but I can tell the shoulders are good.

Speaker 2 What do you do? So, you know how the main room front door

Speaker 2 after the show starts is completely closed?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Right? So then what we have to do is we have to go all the way around the building.
It's not that big of a deal. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Forget it. You know, I don't want to.
What? You already sided with him.

Speaker 3 You don't know what the fuck it is yet. No, I sided with you.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was just saying, yes. I have something in my throat.

Speaker 2 I know. It's hostility.
I'm going to. Okay, so anyway,

Speaker 2 so I'm in the patio. You're going to make me go all the way around.

Speaker 2 Is that the point?

Speaker 2 You're going to make me go all the way around.

Speaker 2 You're going to make me go all the way around. All the way around.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. You're gonna make me go

Speaker 2 all the way around.

Speaker 2 Okay, so he made you go all the way around because the door was closed.

Speaker 3 So what, the door was closed? He made you all the way around.

Speaker 2 No, no, that's not what happened.

Speaker 2 I'm in the patio. I'm like, I gotta get into the main room because

Speaker 2 I left my jacket in the main room green room.

Speaker 3 You've done that.

Speaker 2 Everyone's in the room. Excellent.
It's every show. So I go, let me just check the front door.
Right? So I go out the front door. I'm about to approach it, right?

Speaker 2 I'm kind of where the opening, where the patio is. I'm coming around the corner.

Speaker 2 I see Lockwood walk out of the main room front door. He looks at me, smiles, and shuts the door.
That's awesome.

Speaker 3 Shout out to Matt Lockwood.

Speaker 2 And I go, bro, you saw me. You couldn't hold the door.

Speaker 3 And he's like, hey, my man. Policy, dog.
Right?

Speaker 2 And so I had to go all the way around.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Why don't you keep a couple jackets in the main room, green room, because you've left so many? Why don't you just act like a secondary closet?

Speaker 2 What do do you mean? I still have to go back there to get the jackets.

Speaker 3 No, but I'm saying, leave a couple jackets there.

Speaker 2 If I leave the jackets there, all the jackets will be there. I have to go all the way around.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I don't want to go all the way around.

Speaker 3 Make it your jacket closet.

Speaker 2 Or what about this? How about not close the front door? I like that.

Speaker 3 That's better.

Speaker 2 It makes more sense. It doesn't make any sense because what if people come to the show late? They got to do the knock, right?

Speaker 3 They do, but that's their message. That's the store's message saying, don't be late.

Speaker 2 Show already started. Anyway, so can we not give him money?

Speaker 2 That sounds good. Because last night I gave him shit about it, and he goes, I don't give a fuck, dog.

Speaker 3 He does not. He does not.
He does not give him money.

Speaker 2 And so now I'm believing that he wants to start some sort of war with me. He does.
Okay, that being said, I need to win.

Speaker 3 Let's call him up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, call him.

Speaker 3 Let's see what this fucking guy's got to say.

Speaker 4 I told him you really like to be like complimented and stuff.

Speaker 2 Who me? Yeah, I don't need that. What the fuck are you talking about? Delete that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you do. Leave that in.

Speaker 2 You're a little bastard.

Speaker 3 Hey, you're on bad friends.

Speaker 3 Bobby's out here saying that he thinks you're trying to start a war with him because you closed the door on him from the front and you made him go all the way around to the back.

Speaker 2 Yeah, motherfucker could use some exercise. Whoa!

Speaker 2 Motherfucker could use some exercise.

Speaker 2 Listen, I'm not trying to start a war, dog, but you know, if he wants to come at me, he's going to come at somebody who's going to fight back.

Speaker 3 what do you gotta say buddy

Speaker 2 the war is on the war is on the war all right let's go

Speaker 2 let's go all right he's not afraid of you i know you're not because i'm small and you're a big guy i get it oh so you're saying he's you think in high school in high school you were able to do that to little asian guys in high school i know you did that but my point is that

Speaker 2 this is a different world all right and i'm a big boy now all right you want to start a war i'll start a war you started it you you closed the door on me i'm gonna finish it bro i'm not starting to do it.

Speaker 2 No, did you not? Okay, let me ask you this, Matt. Did you close the door on me? Yeah, I slammed it.
I slammed it shut.

Speaker 2 There we go. So that's the war.
You started the war. That's first blood.

Speaker 2 All right. Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Bob.

Speaker 2 You got my back, yeah. I love it, Doug.
All right.

Speaker 2 Appreciate you. Bye.

Speaker 2 He's the best. All right.
So I got to tell you. Are you going to back him?

Speaker 3 Well, here's the deal. No.

Speaker 2 He's like 6'6 ⁇ . He's big.
He's a big, big boy.

Speaker 4 He's fat, though. and he's got nothing to do

Speaker 2 i've seen 600 pound life he's not

Speaker 2 they're tall as well but they can't move i gotta tell you right he's a big boy i know he's a big boy but he looks like he might have some here's what i'm gonna say to you whoa run just run i don't know i think you should run bro i don't need your help in the war because the kind of war that i the kind of war i'm gonna fight is not physical what kind of war do you do korea

Speaker 2 Korean? What do you say? Korean. Oh.

Speaker 2 Korean War? Korean War Part 2. We already won that that one, didn't we?

Speaker 2 Well, you were on our side. What are you talking about? Wait, I'm a Korean? No, America was on the Korean side during the Korean War.
It was North Korea versus South Korea in the war.

Speaker 3 I was rooting for North. I know you did.
I wanted them to win South Korea.

Speaker 2 So it was one red-headed guy. It was your family on the other side.
I know. Yo,

Speaker 3 would that be an image of panning over seeing all these Koreans and then just one red-headed guy with a gun? What is he doing?

Speaker 2 What is he doing?

Speaker 3 Two things. First of all, we do like the shoes.

Speaker 2 And second of all, the teddy bear shirt, fire. Fire.
You like it? I love it.

Speaker 3 You like it? Pretty good. I I like your style.

Speaker 4 I love that you guys are complimenting me.

Speaker 2 Well, because you're the best, Juice.

Speaker 3 We love you. It's the holidays.
I'm feeling good. Happy Hanukkah.
Merry Christmas. Happy Kwanzaa.

Speaker 2 When does this come out? After that? Yes. Yeah, it's already over.

Speaker 2 Happy New Year. Happy New Year.
Is this Happy New Year? Happy New Year. Happy New Year.
What a new year.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 3 Have we had a great new year?

Speaker 2 Great.

Speaker 3 For a second, because it's the new year.

Speaker 2 Let's reflect.

Speaker 3 What happened great in 2022? Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 I have so much to be rough, luck fucking. Well, fucking, let's hear it.

Speaker 2 Let me see.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. No, I'm saying, I hope I'm part of it.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, you're going to be in the book.

Speaker 2 What? You're definitely in the book. What do you mean, the book? My autobiography when I die.
Footnote.

Speaker 3 I'll be a footnote.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. If I have a book about my life,

Speaker 2 I'll have ghostwriters. I'll be a chapter.

Speaker 2 You think you have how many chapters are in the book? 3,000? If there's 3,000 chapters, you'll be a chapter.

Speaker 4 That would be awesome.

Speaker 3 You don't think the bad friends' chapter of your life is a massive part of your life?

Speaker 3 You really don't think so?

Speaker 2 I don't understand the question.

Speaker 3 Can you explain it to me? I don't think you're going to get a book.

Speaker 3 Yes, not with this kind of fucking

Speaker 3 book.

Speaker 2 How many chapters are in the book? Can I ask you that?

Speaker 2 In a book, what is the average? I've never read one, so

Speaker 2 what are the average numbers?

Speaker 2 40 of you, you're 40. 40, 40, you'll be a chapter.

Speaker 2 40 chapters?

Speaker 2 He doesn't know what he's talking about. He's never read a fucking book.

Speaker 3 I'll say this:

Speaker 3 this is your chapters of your life.

Speaker 2 Ready?

Speaker 3 San Diego.

Speaker 3 Abuse.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 3 Drugs. Laundromats.

Speaker 2 That's chapter one.

Speaker 2 Chapter two. Dynamite detail on the railroads.

Speaker 2 Chapter two.

Speaker 3 Don't forget that.

Speaker 2 Chapter two.

Speaker 3 Stand-up, struggling. No.
La Jolla. Absolutely not.
Comedy store. Chapter three,

Speaker 2 Kalila. Okay.

Speaker 3 Chapter four.

Speaker 2 The Santino years?

Speaker 2 Is that what you're fucking saying? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, so chapter four is

Speaker 2 Santino years. Yeah, the Santino years.
All right.

Speaker 3 Chapter five.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you, death, death.

Speaker 2 All right, can I ask you a question? I asked a question, though, real quick about books, right? Can the chapter be one page? Sure. Then you'll have the fourth chapter.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if the chapter's one page, you can have, and there's 30 chapters. So disrespectful.
Well, how many chapters am I in your book? You're the whole book.

Speaker 2 You're the whole book. Oh, it's called Bobby Lee and Me.

Speaker 3 It's called Me and Bob.

Speaker 2 Yeah, me and Bob.

Speaker 3 Oh, me and Bobby Lee. Me and Bobby Lee.
Listen to how that rings. Me and Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 You know what, Duke? I'll be honest with you. If my book is Tom Sawyer, you're a Huckleberry Finn.

Speaker 2 That feel better?

Speaker 2 If this is Mice and Men, you're the big guy.

Speaker 3 Am I?

Speaker 2 I'm the one. You are.

Speaker 3 I crushed the mouse in my hand. If our book, how about this? If our book is Phantom of the Opera.
Yeah. I've never, I don't know.
I'm the Phantom. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I'm the Opera? You're Christine. Oh.

Speaker 3 I can't be the Opera? Because I love you, but I can't really have you.

Speaker 2 Oh. But I really, really want you.

Speaker 3 And I want to capture you and bring you down to my lair and hold you captive and sing you songs.

Speaker 2 But in Mice and Men, that big guy, what was his name? Do you guys remember?

Speaker 3 John Malcobe. Stop, stop, stop.
Hold on. Don't even Google it.
It was his name is Lenny. Lenny.

Speaker 2 But in the book, I don't know if I read it, but does he kill mice in this game?

Speaker 3 I don't know if I read it.

Speaker 2 The book, I don't know if I read it.

Speaker 3 Okay. What are the chances that you read it then?

Speaker 2 I think I read it.

Speaker 2 Because I think distinctly, I distinctly, I distinctly, I can't even say the word. I distinctly remember.
Did you relapse? No, I didn't.

Speaker 2 I just can't say that word. Okay.
I distinctly remember that he kills... a mouse with his hands because he doesn't know how strong he is.

Speaker 4 You're thinking of Green Mile. That's right.

Speaker 2 Is that what the Green Mile is? Yeah. So does Lenny know that? You didn't read the book.
You watched a movie.

Speaker 2 Does he kill what?

Speaker 3 You didn't read a book. You watched the movie.

Speaker 2 Well, because Lenny's black, right? Oh, man.

Speaker 2 In your world, I agree.

Speaker 3 Lenny kills Curly's wife because of his inability to control his own strength and emotions.

Speaker 5 He best have a mouse as a pet.

Speaker 2 Oh, he doesn't kill him. Yeah, it's like his friend.
Oh, it's his friend. My bad.

Speaker 3 Speaking of pets,

Speaker 3 show them Santino. Did you hear about this?

Speaker 2 All over the news. What?

Speaker 3 That's Santino right there.

Speaker 3 Zookeepers noticed after observing Santino

Speaker 3 behind blind glass, the chimpanzee had been busy stockpiling ammunition in anticipation of the visitors, dragging stones from a protective moat and even thumping chunks of concrete into rough discs.

Speaker 3 He made the piles of stones only on the part of his island facing the crowds. Santino the chimp has been hucking poop and stone at visitors in the zoo.

Speaker 2 He's a bad boy. What a bad boy.
I have a photo of Santino's wife on my phone. Would you like to see it? Yeah.
Okay. Yeah?

Speaker 3 I can't wait to see it.

Speaker 2 You would like to see it?

Speaker 3 I haven't seen what photo. What photos? This must be a.

Speaker 2 It's a photo of Santino's wife.

Speaker 3 Me or this chimp.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what? Chimps. Oh, I thought you were his wife.

Speaker 3 I'm being held at the zoo in Sweden, by the way. I heard he got out.
What did it say in December? I can't see because he's not. He just died.

Speaker 2 Come here.

Speaker 3 You want to look? He just died? Yeah. Rest in peace.
Send it to the boys so they can put it up on the screen.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not going to send this photo to the screen.

Speaker 2 This can't be seen. Let me see.

Speaker 3 That's the moment. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Oh, my. I know you sent that to me.
Have you seen, do you, are you offended by that, by the way?

Speaker 4 No, I'm happy to see Bobby so happy.

Speaker 3 You need to delete that off your phone immediately. Why? Because in case something happens, you're in beat.

Speaker 5 If someone hacks your laptop,

Speaker 3 you don't want that evidence

Speaker 3 around.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and you're prone to getting hacked.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's on Twitter. You're still hacked.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like it could happen.

Speaker 3 By the way, shout out to everybody on Twitter who's bought a laptop from Bobby Lee. I I mean, dude, you realize people are still buying laptops from you.

Speaker 2 I went to a private company. They still can't do anything.
This guy's incredible. This might be one of the best hackers of all time.

Speaker 3 He's had your account for how long now?

Speaker 2 A month, a month. A month.

Speaker 3 He's racking up them laptops. Am I losing followers?

Speaker 2 I probably lost so many followers.

Speaker 3 343,000.

Speaker 2 Still pretty good. Still pretty good.

Speaker 3 And you probably sold a couple of thousand.

Speaker 2 Can I sue him for the money?

Speaker 3 You can sue him maybe for

Speaker 2 if he's using my fucking

Speaker 2 Twitter to sell products.

Speaker 3 Isn't this funny, though, that Elon Musk, Elon Musk aside, Twitter in general,

Speaker 3 the fact that Twitter doesn't understand how to stop this is crazy. That's crazy to me.

Speaker 2 But it was. Hey, wait, that's your monkey.

Speaker 3 That's my monkey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They called this monkey the Satin Santino? He just died.

Speaker 3 He just died. He was shot after escaping the enclosure.

Speaker 2 I got out.

Speaker 3 My boy got out.

Speaker 2 Santine.

Speaker 3 He got out, and then

Speaker 3 he went missing, and then bracket, bracket, they killed him. Wow.
They shot him.

Speaker 3 They were afraid of what he was going to do.

Speaker 2 And I got to tell you, it looks a little bit like me.

Speaker 3 We have the same eyes. The eyes are...
Yeah. We have the same eyes.
They're similar.

Speaker 4 The same yellow eyes.

Speaker 3 Same yellow jaundice, alcohol-latent eyes. I wish, yeah, the Santino chimp.

Speaker 3 He's cute, dude.

Speaker 3 There's a guy on TikTok who has a chimp as a pet, and it would be tight. It's crazy, but it would be tight.

Speaker 2 I think you just got to make them a little smarter, then they'll be able to communicate with us, I think.

Speaker 3 They're really smart. No, with English, though.

Speaker 4 Oh, they only speak English. It's a physical thing why they can't talk.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's their throat.

Speaker 4 Their larynx hasn't drowned. That's right.

Speaker 2 Oh, see, what you're saying to me right now is that if they had a larynx, that they'd be able to go, what's up, Bob? Probably. Of course.

Speaker 4 They can't form the same language.

Speaker 2 You think they're not thinking that stuff?

Speaker 3 They're so smart. They're so smart.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they could put blocks together and shit, you know what I mean? And like, escape a maze, maybe.

Speaker 3 But, like, you can't escape a maze.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 Well, I could do the blocks pretty good.

Speaker 2 I know. I have trouble with my blocks.

Speaker 3 By the way, this is a science question. How many times larger is the human brain than a chimpanzee's brain? I already have it.

Speaker 2 Don't look it up. I already know.
Men or females' brain. Oh.

Speaker 2 Sick burn, dog.

Speaker 2 Dudes first.

Speaker 4 How much larger is the male brain to the

Speaker 3 human brain?

Speaker 2 I mean, I don't even know the right measurement, lingo. How many times larger than the brain? Two pounds? I don't know.
What do you say?

Speaker 3 How many times larger

Speaker 3 is our brain than their brain?

Speaker 2 Times. Times.

Speaker 2 Who?

Speaker 2 It's not even a time.

Speaker 2 I don't think it's that much larger.

Speaker 4 I would say one time.

Speaker 3 One time larger.

Speaker 2 No time.

Speaker 2 So it's the same size.

Speaker 2 Do you think I'm talking about it?

Speaker 3 I'm talking about time is in a clock.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. I'm saying

Speaker 3 you're confusing me with a very easy question.

Speaker 2 Because I've been to the fucking zoo and I've seen their heads.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 2 I've seen some Koreans with that style of head.

Speaker 2 And so it might just, I'm like, oh, that's a Korean head. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 The answer is three. Three times.

Speaker 2 Our brain is three times larger than than their brains.

Speaker 4 That means we're three times smarter?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 3 It just means we've got more mush.

Speaker 3 We have more goop and mush up there.

Speaker 4 That goop's got to do something.

Speaker 2 Isn't it true that we only use a certain percentage of our brains, too? Like 16% of our brains.

Speaker 3 Almost nothing. Yeah, it's less than a quarter of our brain.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I want to be able to connect it all, man.

Speaker 3 You can, dude. Take DMT.

Speaker 2 It connects the brain.

Speaker 3 Get to the next level, dog. 10% of our brain is.

Speaker 2 It's a myth.

Speaker 3 Sibley requires most of the brain to be active. Right.
Well, this is a two-way street. Most of the brain is required to be active,

Speaker 3 but it's saying

Speaker 3 we typically only use certain portions of our brain the majority of the time. So you need a lot of your brain to still fire something.

Speaker 3 Like, you know, when you

Speaker 3 know when you remember somebody's name that you forgot for a long time? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's a little critical. You say,

Speaker 2 huh? Like, when you're in that situation, what do you say? That's what he says. Huh? Huh? Oh, you go, huh?

Speaker 2 Hey, Andrew.

Speaker 2 Huh?

Speaker 2 That's what you do?

Speaker 3 Well, let me see. If you're a guy, I don't remember your name.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you know I'm important.

Speaker 3 And I see your face. I recognize your face.
All right, I'm at a go ahead. I'm at a party.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 This DJ is amazing.

Speaker 2 What song is this? Hey, oh, what's up? Alfred, what's up? Good party.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 What? What the fuck?

Speaker 2 Fucking Andrews and Tina, what's up, dude? What's up, dude?

Speaker 2 Andrew, what's up? How are you? Yeah, you don't call me, man.

Speaker 3 I know, dude. I've been so busy.

Speaker 2 Are you all right? How you doing? Good. When's the last time I saw you?

Speaker 3 Oh, my God, forever ago, it feels like.

Speaker 2 A month ago. No, it had to be...
Was it longer than that? No, we shot Dave a month ago.

Speaker 3 I know, but it just feels like it was way longer.

Speaker 2 Very good. Yeah.
I like it.

Speaker 3 I'm so good at this.

Speaker 2 Watch.

Speaker 2 I'm not good at it.

Speaker 3 I've done this my whole career.

Speaker 2 All right, so keep going.

Speaker 3 I don't know who those guys are in the booth.

Speaker 2 No, but go ahead. All right.
Well, this is my friend Felicia. You know Felicia? Remember how you met? Oh, wait, have we met? We have.

Speaker 2 a name. Hey, I just said her name.
Fuck, that's my bad.

Speaker 4 It's Felicia.

Speaker 2 No, it's Felicia. I know.

Speaker 3 It's so good to see you.

Speaker 2 You remember? Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 What's my name again?

Speaker 2 What's my name? And can I be honest with you, dude? I'm at this party.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I saw you, and we've had this little interaction. You called me dude the first time, right?

Speaker 2 Right. You didn't remember that we shot a month ago.
I'm beginning to feel like you don't know my name. So what's my name?

Speaker 3 I just told you we did shoot a month ago. I do remember.
And I got to be honest with you, I'm a little offended. And I don't want to be here for this kind of attitude.
That's fine. To just

Speaker 3 choose the idea that I don't know your name, how about this, dude? I know exactly who you are. Why would you do this to me? What's my name then? This is insane, dude.
You don't know my name.

Speaker 2 You need help. You don't know my name.
You need help.

Speaker 3 You don't know my name. Of course, I know your fucking name.
What is it? You know what, bud?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 3 This isn't the way to treat people.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 It's Tony.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Is it really Tony? Yeah. It's me, Tony.

Speaker 2 Are you sure? Yes.

Speaker 3 I feel like your name's not Tony. It's Tony.
Tony. Asian guy named Anthony.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Tony Shong.

Speaker 3 Tony Shong! Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 2 Nope. My name is John.
Fuck you. Oh, wow.
See?

Speaker 2 Is her name Felicia? No. What is her name? Toko.
That's Toko.

Speaker 2 How'd you forget? I just hope you're watching. Because you people are unimportant.
All right. Well, I got to go.
Bye. Get out of my house.
This is my party. Wait, is it?

Speaker 2 Tony, this is your party.

Speaker 4 I wish the other Santino was in.

Speaker 2 But they would never do that socially. They wouldn't take it to that level.

Speaker 3 No, that's crazy. You just walk away at some point.
This is really funny. I have a friend who's, I have a friend whose friend, I thought his name was Gabe, but his name was Brian.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 But for the first like five times I met him, I was like, are you sure your name isn't Gabe? And he was like, it's Brian. I was like,

Speaker 3 but I know it's Gabe because he looks like a Gabe.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know that.

Speaker 3 And so now,

Speaker 3 even when he texts me years later, he saved in my phone as Gabe.

Speaker 3 I call him Gabe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And he loves me. It's a joke now.

Speaker 3 But it's a term of endearment. Yeah, it's fun.
But sometimes I forget his real name.

Speaker 2 I did that to Ryan Sickler.

Speaker 3 What do you call him?

Speaker 2 Two weeks ago, and he caught me, and I fucked up, and I feel so ashamed. I haven't seen him since then.
I want to apologize. What did you call him?

Speaker 3 What did you call it?

Speaker 2 I go, what's up, Stout? Stout?

Speaker 3 Ryan Stout, yes, right. You thought Ryan Stout, yeah, another commander.

Speaker 2 And he would ignore me, and I go, Stout, what the fuck, bro? You thought Ryan said. Yeah, I just, in my mind, right?

Speaker 2 And I go, uh,

Speaker 2 he goes, um, dude, I don't respond to stout. What does that even mean?

Speaker 2 And I go, and in my mind, I just was, I thought, literally, still at that point, his name was Stout.

Speaker 3 He gave you an out, by the way. You could have been like, I know, I'm trying to out new nicknames.
It didn't work.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I doubled down.
Yeah, you did.

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Speaker 2 This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Speaker 3 BetterHelp is so great. Bob and I have used therapy for a long, long time.
And I got to tell you something. I'm a big proponent of getting help.
Mental health help is huge. And

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Speaker 2 That's better help, H-E-L-P dot com slash bad friends.

Speaker 3 These things happen. Yeah.
This has got to happen to you.

Speaker 4 I went a whole year, I think it was like third grade, and I missed one of the days when we got this teacher. So I never knew my teacher's name.
And I was too embarrassed to ask.

Speaker 2 Did you ask your friends? I didn't have any friends. I was just going to say, there's no way she had.

Speaker 4 It was like, you know, we moved a lot.

Speaker 3 Oh, juice.

Speaker 4 So I just go, a teacher.

Speaker 3 But they are a teacher.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 For what it's worth. They teacher.

Speaker 2 Is there any way you can like ask like another teacher or a principal or somebody?

Speaker 4 It's too late now. It's too late.

Speaker 2 It's a long time ago. And

Speaker 2 for a year, you called her teacher. Yeah.
That's insane.

Speaker 3 But to be fair, she was teacher.

Speaker 2 That's true.

Speaker 3 Like, if she was like podcast hosts, I'd be like, well, yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, if I was in the middle of it, I'd call the guy captain.

Speaker 3 If he was a captain. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, if you can't do that with their captain.

Speaker 3 You have to be a certain rank. You have to be a captain.
Oh, shit. General, captain.

Speaker 2 So if I call an admiral captain, that's bad?

Speaker 4 Yeah, you don't want to do that.

Speaker 2 They'll fuck you up. Who will? The admiral will?

Speaker 3 Oh, the captain or the admiral. Either one of those guys are going to beat the shit out of you.

Speaker 2 Probably both of them.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 Officer ranks, second lieutenant, first lieutenant, captain, major, lieutenant colonel, colonel, brigadier general, major general.

Speaker 2 Brigadier. Is it brigadier?

Speaker 4 I think I'm a brigadier.

Speaker 2 You know what they should be?

Speaker 2 I don't like the way that they did that. First of all,

Speaker 2 Major General should be after major, and brigadier general should be the top thing.

Speaker 3 It's brigadier, huh?

Speaker 2 Fuck, I fucked that up.

Speaker 3 What did you say?

Speaker 3 I think major general sounds bad. General is whack because something that's general is basic.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's right. And that's like majorly basic.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you're major basic.

Speaker 3 I think the top dog should be the colonel because colonel sounds dope.

Speaker 3 Everybody loves the colonel.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 KFC. KFC.

Speaker 3 Well, everybody loves the colonel.

Speaker 2 Where's commander?

Speaker 3 He's in chief. He's somewhere.

Speaker 2 There's no commander up there?

Speaker 3 No, well, there wasn't a first officer either. Zoom in on that one.
This is how little we know about the fucking officer. I don't know but thanks for doing it, guys.
Military people out there.

Speaker 3 We really respect you and appreciate you because I can't do it. I really couldn't.
Zoom in on any of those tits. I call Carlos tits now.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's nice. Because he's like a little, cute little pair of tits.

Speaker 3 All right, let's see the ranks, baby.

Speaker 2 What do we got?

Speaker 3 Scroll down, just in the list, so we don't have to look at it like that. All right, private, private, private, first class, specialist.
That's when you really moved up in privates.

Speaker 2 Well, is a specialist like someone that specializes in something?

Speaker 3 I think he's a little special private.

Speaker 2 Oh, yes, on the spectrum.

Speaker 3 He's on the spectrum private.

Speaker 3 Then it goes corporal, sergeant, staff sergeant.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he can count all the enemies. Yeah.
One, two, three.

Speaker 2 Very good. Special private.
How many is there behind the fucking bush? He loses.

Speaker 3 He loses count.

Speaker 3 Corporal, sergeant, staff sergeant has a staff infection. Sergeant first class will not fly coach.
First sergeant, master sergeant, sounds racist. Command sergeant major.
Sounds fake.

Speaker 3 Sergeant Major, Sergeant Major of the Army?

Speaker 2 What? Wow.

Speaker 3 Then a bunch of warrant officers just get numbers. Warrant officer, West.

Speaker 2 I don't want the commissioner officers. Let's move on from that.

Speaker 3 Second and first lieutenant, Captain Major, Lieutenant Colonel, Colonel, Brigadier General. Major General, Lieutenant General, Army Chief of Staff General.

Speaker 3 Army Chief of Staff General. That's too many words for the guy who's supposed to be the number one.

Speaker 4 That's no, I thought that was the least.

Speaker 2 Wait, what? No. No.

Speaker 2 Wait, is that the top? I'm a private specialist. No, you're right.
This is the top.

Speaker 3 Army chief of staff is number one. Your top

Speaker 3 dick.

Speaker 2 So can Major General talk shit about Army Chief of Staff in front of his face?

Speaker 3 Not in front of his fucking face.

Speaker 2 But behind his back, can you do it? Of course.

Speaker 3 You tell Lieutenant Colonel and Captain. Oh, I see.

Speaker 2 I see.

Speaker 3 He knew who's going to have the hardest laugh is second lieutenant. He's going to be cracking the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So if I was Lieutenant General,

Speaker 2 you'd be ahead of me, maybe? Oh, yeah. All right.
All right. So you can be Lieutenant General then, I guess.

Speaker 3 No, no, no, no. You would be Colonel.

Speaker 2 A special project. I'm Colonel.
Right. She's Lieutenant Colonel.

Speaker 3 She's second Lieutenant.

Speaker 2 Okay. I was like, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
And what are you then in this situation?

Speaker 3 Lieutenant General.

Speaker 2 Okay. So I can come up to you and go, Lieutenant General, what's up, Santino? I'll go, how are you, sir? God.
I'll go, what's wait, where are you again?

Speaker 3 You said I was Colonel.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 I'll go, yes, Colonel. What's happening?

Speaker 2 Oh, do you be that formal? Because I'm about to talk shit about fucking Army Chief of Staff. If you came up to me like that, I wouldn't say shit.
Colonel, Colonel, Colonel. What? Calm down.

Speaker 3 Oh, sorry, man. This is a free shit talk

Speaker 2 room. That's right.
We're by the watering can. By the water.

Speaker 8 He needs to salute you, though, even if you're by the watering can. And then you have to tell him that he's.

Speaker 3 No, that's not a thumbs up. You think that's how the how funny if the army saluted that way?

Speaker 2 That would be so if they were like, Colonel.

Speaker 2 Oh, they do this, right? Yeah. Can you do both? Yeah, I've never seen that.

Speaker 3 That's what the Koreans do.

Speaker 2 A lot of respect.

Speaker 2 Is that a lot of respect? Too much respect. I would do that for you.
You got to pick a hand. I'll go, hey, Lieutenant General Santino, what's up? What's up, player? Oh, shit.
You're in a good mood?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Can I tell you about Armory Chief of Stephen?

Speaker 3 What the fuck did he do?

Speaker 2 He stinks. He stinks.
It's fucking garbage, man.

Speaker 3 I hate him.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Should we kill him? Like, remember during Desert Storm?

Speaker 3 Should we kill him?

Speaker 2 Oh, shit.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're under arrest, Colonel. Oh, shit, and I'm in trouble.
Yeah. I was just kidding.

Speaker 2 Fly in. Fly in.

Speaker 2 Second Lieutenant, take care of this.

Speaker 3 Second Lieutenant, take care of this.

Speaker 2 That's what you would do? Yeah. Oh, that sucks.

Speaker 3 Entrapment, dude. That's entrapment.
I can't have you hurting my own crew.

Speaker 3 And I see what you do, Colonel.

Speaker 2 Is this entrapment? Let me ask you something.

Speaker 3 Wait, what? What I just... That was not entrapment.

Speaker 2 What was that then?

Speaker 3 That was some bitch shit. Oh, you did bitch shit.

Speaker 2 That's what they call bitch shit. All right.

Speaker 2 But would I still get arrested?

Speaker 3 Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I'd get killed. They'd fuck me up.

Speaker 2 Wait, I would get arrested for calling Army Chief of Staff smelly? No. No.

Speaker 4 For saying he should be killed.

Speaker 3 Killed, yeah. You said you should kill me.

Speaker 2 But you were the one that brought it up.

Speaker 3 I just gave you the bait. You ate it.

Speaker 2 I said, should we kill him?

Speaker 3 I said, should we kill him?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I go, yeah, as a joke.
I think I can fight my way out of it.

Speaker 3 Your Honor, I don't think Colonel was joking whatsoever.

Speaker 4 There's no jokes in the Army.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. There's no jokes in the Army.

Speaker 3 There is no jokes in the Army. What's entrapment? You were just going to ask me, what do you think is entrapment? Did you feel like you got entrapped?

Speaker 2 No, no, no. What I'm asking you, like, for instance, if I'm with a, not that I would do it, but but if I'm with, like, you know,

Speaker 3 oh boy, this sounds like entrapment.

Speaker 2 No, if I'm, you know,

Speaker 2 if I'm with, you know, the lady of the night. A hooker? That's what I said.

Speaker 2 A juice. No, no.
A juice.

Speaker 3 Juice, why do you sound like a TV character? A hooker?

Speaker 2 Are you talking about a hooker? It's like, keep it down, Mary Lille. Like we were Mayberry or something.
Yeah, a hooker? A hooker.

Speaker 4 Hypothetical.

Speaker 2 No, but if you say to a lady of the night, you go, hey, are you a cop?

Speaker 2 And they said, no. They don't have to tell you.

Speaker 2 Is that a myth? That's a myth.

Speaker 3 Okay. They don't have to tell you if they're a cop.

Speaker 3 The idea that people are like, you have to tell me if you're a cop. No, they don't.

Speaker 2 They don't have to do it.

Speaker 3 Where is that rule? That's a weird fake law.

Speaker 2 That's true.

Speaker 3 By the way, it's important to understand military crimes which you can be charged. One such crime is pandering under Article 134 of the Union Uniform Code of Military Justice, the UCMJ, of course.

Speaker 3 Pandering by including inciting or procuring an act of prostitution is a crime. So if you're in my army, Colonel, and you're fucking hooks, you're done for, pal.
Right.

Speaker 2 134. You know what I thought pandering was?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 For gold. A pandering.

Speaker 2 Pandering. For a second, I'm like, oh, that's illegal.

Speaker 3 We came all the way out west to pander for gold. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Come on, gold.

Speaker 2 Is that pandering, though?

Speaker 2 Panning. That's panning.

Speaker 3 How bad would you and I be at panning for gold? I'm serious.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'd be patient. No.

Speaker 2 The The only thing that I would be bad at is distinguishing the if it's gold or not?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I could do this all day. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I could be out there for 16 hours. There you are there.
There you are there. Yeah.
I could do that all day. If that's my job.
You could pan for gold.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because in my head, I'm like, there's a means to an end to this. Maybe.

Speaker 3 There's no guarantee.

Speaker 2 Imagine, because back in the day when they did this, imagine the dopamine hit if you got like a nugget.

Speaker 2 It would be amazing. I mean, look.
I got a nugget. Like, you're just, you know, I would prank.

Speaker 2 Look at all the nuggets I got. But here's the problem.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 This incited so much violence. This is this was the problem of the gold rush.

Speaker 3 The amount of violence and war that broke out because of the amount of people that were killed in the middle of the night because they know that you found gold.

Speaker 2 I don't got a nugget. Right.

Speaker 2 That's you're right. You already yelled at them.
I got nothing. I've been there for three days.

Speaker 3 There's a great show. There's a great movie called The Ballad of Buster Scruggs.
Do you remember this? Oh, yeah. And there was a bunch of vignettes, and one of them was

Speaker 3 short films inside of the movie was about a guy guy who found gold, and then

Speaker 3 the guy that saw that he found it was like, oh,

Speaker 3 it's fucking so dirty. Because immediately, dude, you've been out there.
Look, there you are, right there. That's Bob.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're panning for. Look, look, look.
Don't say that's me, though.

Speaker 3 That's definitely you. You're panning for what? 10, 12 days.

Speaker 2 She's panning for rice.

Speaker 2 Is that right? She's obviously panning for rice or something. Krispy Rice or regular? They're panning for gold, these people.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Carlos is fucking Google.

Speaker 8 Yeah, Asian panning for gold.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 She's typed in Asian.

Speaker 2 But look at the wishes dress. She probably hadn't found anything.

Speaker 3 She probably what?

Speaker 2 Hasn't found anything in her whole life.

Speaker 3 Well, if she has, she.

Speaker 2 No, maybe she's just saving.

Speaker 3 See, this is the problem with you. Oh, shit.
The moment you found some gold, you'd put on a Gucci shirt and be panning.

Speaker 2 That's right. With my golden goose fucking shoes.
You know, golden goose shoes, panic girls.

Speaker 3 No, she knows. Don't let them know that you got the money.

Speaker 2 So then when you find the little, I don't know how it works, but I'm sorry, I'm asking questions. No, please.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 2 Well, like, how you know. My dad was a

Speaker 2 yeah, that's what he did. How do you think we ended up

Speaker 2 found, like, are they nuggets? You find, like, I found a nut, like, a bunch of nuggets. A gold nugget.

Speaker 3 Most of the time, they find flakes. In this day and age, they find a lot of gold flakes.
So I got a bunch of flakes. And then you smelt it down into liquid gold.
Like that, right there.

Speaker 3 That's exactly what most people find these days.

Speaker 2 But can you find nuggets?

Speaker 3 Yeah, of course you can. Look, there's one in the corner.
But, like, the weight of nuggets that are found now isn't as...

Speaker 3 prominent as it was in the fucking gold rush days. Let me ask you something.
Yeah, why do I know this?

Speaker 2 No, I have another question.

Speaker 3 Because I watch the show Gold Rush. It's great.

Speaker 2 I have another question. Please.
One of my favorite disaster movies, okay, is called The Core.

Speaker 2 Just hear me out. Mm-hmm.
Okay. And in the movie The Core,

Speaker 2 the center of the Earth stops spinning. Right?

Speaker 2 So what they do is they develop a spacecraft, like an Earthcraft, to go into the middle of the Earth.

Speaker 2 Anyway, when they're going down, they run into all these diamonds. Right?

Speaker 2 And when I was watching that in the movie theater, I'm like, that's what I want to do.

Speaker 3 Is get diamonds?

Speaker 2 If I could just get that fucking craft. Because in the movie, there was so much fucking diamonds.
It was like

Speaker 2 caverns of diamonds. Yeah.
Like just coming down from the, you know what I mean? So let me ask you something, right? If I dug deep enough, would I be able to find

Speaker 2 caverns of diamonds?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 3 Do you think there is a layer of Earth that is just diamonds?

Speaker 2 Yes. Okay.

Speaker 4 How do you know there's not?

Speaker 2 How do you know there's not yet? Thank you, Juice. You know what? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I want both of you guys to start digging.

Speaker 2 Because there's no way.

Speaker 3 I want both of you guys to start digging.

Speaker 2 Because you have to go through the mantle all.

Speaker 3 Scientists have discovered a full layer of diamonds in Earth's core.

Speaker 2 There we go. There you go.
If we can make it there, just hear me out. I'm listening.

Speaker 3 Right?

Speaker 2 That's a lot of diamonds.

Speaker 3 How deep is it?

Speaker 8 Let me figure it out. So that website was in Spanish.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. Well, fancy's right there.

Speaker 2 It didn't seem in the photo. Look at how much diamond that is, dude.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine? Imagine if we discovered that much diamond. How could we lug it out?

Speaker 3 How heavy would that be?

Speaker 2 You don't need to take it all. Whatever your pocket.
Oh, I have a fucking Pentagonia backpack or something.

Speaker 2 Hear me. I would like to do that.

Speaker 3 The core is found at about 2,900 kilometers. That's 1,800 miles below Earth's surface.
And that is a radius.

Speaker 2 How far below are Earth diamonds? There we go.

Speaker 8 These are just natural diamonds.

Speaker 2 That's naturally occurring. Not the diamond place.

Speaker 3 Right. There is no diamond place.
It's not real, you guys.

Speaker 2 Yes, there is. There's a diamond place.
All right,

Speaker 3 I believe there is. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I mean, they're in our Earth, right?

Speaker 3 A quadrillion tons of diamonds lurk deep in the Earth, but they're spread out over the internet.

Speaker 2 No, no, dude, that's what we do, dog.

Speaker 3 Well, let's get the fucking diamonds, dog.

Speaker 2 We got to get the diamond. I'm trying to convince you, dude.

Speaker 2 In our earth, there's just plenty of diamonds.

Speaker 3 But we have to spend so much money.

Speaker 2 We don't have to do this acting, podcasting shit no more, dude.

Speaker 2 We're the diamond brothers.

Speaker 2 Are we the diamond brothers? We're the diamond brothers, dude.

Speaker 3 That's the Mario Brothers spin-off is the Diamond Bros.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and what we do is we...

Speaker 3 Yep, yep, yep, yep. We just dig for diamonds all day.

Speaker 2 I can't sell all of it because the thing is, is that, you know, demand, right? So we just

Speaker 2 sell enough. Uh-huh.
Right? We corner the mic, market, and diamonds.

Speaker 3 How much money do you need to sell? How much money do you want to make on diamonds to be good?

Speaker 2 A billion.

Speaker 3 Okay, once we hit a billion, you're okay?

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're done.

Speaker 3 Okay, so a couple hundred million. And then what we're not going to do?

Speaker 2 Do you know what we do? Yeah. Once we make a billion dollars in cash, right? Then we just give all the diamonds away so that it loses its value, the diamonds.

Speaker 4 Yeah, split them amongst the door guys.

Speaker 2 Oh, first. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Okay. Wait a minute.
That's so funny. I like how Bobby wants to run like a crypto scam where he's like, once we've made our money, we dump the whole fucking thing.
And nobody makes money.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's basically what crypto does.

Speaker 3 Once we make our cash, we fuck it. That's what I want to do.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's fine.

Speaker 3 What else is the case? Who's going to give us money for the diamonds? That's the problem. Who has the capital? Who are we selling them to?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 3 Careful. What?

Speaker 3 Careful.

Speaker 2 Rappers?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 I was not thinking that.

Speaker 2 For their teeth. They love it.

Speaker 3 You think rappers are going to buy all of our diamonds?

Speaker 2 They lodge them in their teeth. They love it.
They do. You're right.
Imagine if they had the first front tooth just full of diamonds.

Speaker 2 You can make a tooth out of diamonds.

Speaker 3 I think you should have a mouth filled with actual diamonds. I think your teeth should be replaced with diamonds.
Because diamonds,

Speaker 3 some of the hardest thing on earth, right? Hardest.

Speaker 4 Look at that.

Speaker 2 Oh, Bobby, you look so cool with the grill like that.

Speaker 3 Let's get you one of those, Bob.

Speaker 2 But is that real diamonds? Yeah. Yeah.
It's got to be, right? Yeah, but it doesn't. No, no, you know what?

Speaker 2 I want to make it out of that fake steel so that my, like, everything turns green in my mouth.

Speaker 3 Like chains from high school. Yeah, yeah.
Amber Rose's boyfriend, Alexander, Alexandra Edwards, shows off permanent diamond grill. So it's permanently put inside of his mouth.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 That's what you want. Yeah.
Or that's our audience whom we're selling it to. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 And once we make a billion, we give it all away.

Speaker 3 Well, then what are we going to do with a billion dollars? Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 What would you do with a billion?

Speaker 3 You're on the level of Elon Musk.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 Let's say you sell something.

Speaker 2 What would you do with a billion dollars? Oh, I got a lot, man. I would buy a pottery barn.
Oh, you know, also pure one imparts. They don't have to stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Speaker 3 The first thing you said was buy pottery barns?

Speaker 2 The chain. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why? I like it.

Speaker 8 Okay. If you can't afford it, it's over $3 billion.

Speaker 3 Fuck, well, with me, with my business.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait, wait, Pottery Barnes, a billion? $3 billion?

Speaker 2 All right, fuck. I didn't know that much?

Speaker 3 $2.5 billion.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's an international company. How about this? How can I buy Pier 1 imports?

Speaker 2 How much is Pier 1 imports?

Speaker 3 Goodbye. I mean, I don't know if we can afford Pier 1 either.

Speaker 2 I need Pier 1 imports.

Speaker 3 Pier 1, net worth of $512 million, I just said.

Speaker 2 I could buy it with half my money.

Speaker 3 All right, $500. So you can buy Pier 1.
Yeah. Can I buy West End? How much is West End? I really like it.

Speaker 2 Buy West End, dude.

Speaker 3 Because I want restoration hardware, but I know I can't afford it. You can't afford that, no.
It's too fancy.

Speaker 3 You buy Pier One. I'll buy West End.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And then, Juice, what company do you want to buy?

Speaker 4 I just want a studio apartment, man.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah?

Speaker 2 How about this?

Speaker 3 Can you imagine getting a billion dollars? And she's like, I just want a studio with this billion. She might, you might want to.

Speaker 2 And by that time, I still can't can't afford it in LA yeah now by then you won't but free furniture I'll hook you up from pier one oh you would and West End and West End

Speaker 4 maybe I'll get a one bedroom I will say I currently live with five dudes and it's been like over two years because you are moving out in your own in your your solo spot right it's yeah I mean I am but there's no like no timeline I mean

Speaker 2 you live with five guys for how long it's been like over two years yeah one of them has a workout.

Speaker 4 A gym.

Speaker 2 A gym outside your window. Crush it.

Speaker 4 Invites more comics over to workout today.

Speaker 2 It's kind of cool. But she can hear them early in the morning do repetitions.

Speaker 2 Come out one more, buddy.

Speaker 3 Get up, get out, and get lifted, dog.

Speaker 4 I think that's what he thinks he's doing for me.

Speaker 2 It's a nightmare. Motivating you? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the one thing I love about, you know, finally living in a house is you don't hear like this.

Speaker 3 Yeah, rub it in.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's the one thing I like about luxury.

Speaker 2 Listen up, juice. No, but you know, it's the garbage man.

Speaker 3 What? The garbage man, what?

Speaker 2 Because I've lived in the city for so long in an apartment. I always was awakened to either construction or the garbage man.

Speaker 2 You're like, construction.

Speaker 2 Come on, come on. Yeah, I hated it.

Speaker 3 Hate it. But now what do you hear? Just nothing.
No, you hear something. What still happens?

Speaker 3 Leaf blowers in every part of this city.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah. But mine comes at two.
I told them to come at two.

Speaker 3 Oh, see, my neighbors, it's just fucking, it's constantly. Yeah.
It's constant.

Speaker 2 I hear this.

Speaker 2 Ooh, ooh.

Speaker 3 Is that your neighbor?

Speaker 2 It's an owl. That's an owl.
Hey, let's trade places. Dude, if my neighbor stood outside my window and went, ooh,

Speaker 3 I would call somebody.

Speaker 2 Hey, Mike. Ooh.

Speaker 2 Ooh.

Speaker 2 He's a little sick, but we love him.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What do you say?

Speaker 4 We should trade places for a week.

Speaker 3 No. Oh, yeah, yeah, like Jerry and Kramer did on Seinfeld.

Speaker 2 you guys should swap swap places with the five guys yeah yes

Speaker 3 actually dude that's so fun it's a fun thing awesome you could

Speaker 2 have to sleep on the bed with your boyfriend yeah but it's a california king that's like oh it's a california king cow king six foot eight this fucking guy how tall is he yeah six foot two yeah that's a huge guy that's not that big and california king is wide so you're you're not you're gonna be anywhere near him yeah

Speaker 4 i have a california king okay so you know yeah i do you should rush it a bit or i I mean, rough it a bit. Get in with the people, the working people.

Speaker 3 I think you should let her live at your house and you live at her house. I think it's a great idea.
I would do it for a reality show.

Speaker 2 Well, fancy. Welcome to the podcast.
Yeah.

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Speaker 3 Speaking of sleeping arrangements, let's talk about it real fast.

Speaker 3 I got the update from the bus that's available for the Bad Friends tour.

Speaker 3 We have a bus.

Speaker 2 Oh my god.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 it's not as cheap. It's very expensive to get a bus.
But here's the problem. It sleeps six to eight in the vertical bunks, but then there's a bed in the back.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 I've already thought this. Well, let's talk about it.
I already thought this scenario out.

Speaker 3 I already thought about it too. Lizzie, I'm going to hear what you think, and I'll tell you what I think.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to be the better man

Speaker 3 in this situation. Better man?

Speaker 2 You're going to demand the...

Speaker 3 Yes, you are. No, you don't even don't.

Speaker 2 You can't assume this. This is so ridiculous what you're doing, dude.
I know. I've already played it out in my fucking head, dude.
All right, so play it. You're going to be like, I'm the bigger guy.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Sometimes you say I'm a bigger comic, bigger name. I've never said that.

Speaker 3 I've never said that to you. I've never said that to you.

Speaker 2 I fucking lie.

Speaker 2 Fancy, have my back.

Speaker 3 I've never said that kind of shit to him.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 3 I've never said that.

Speaker 3 When have I ever said that?

Speaker 2 In a joking way, but you have.

Speaker 3 Okay, so we're joking. I know.

Speaker 2 I've already played this out in my head.

Speaker 3 And I have too.

Speaker 2 Okay, so when I did Canada with Tom Seguro, he had a bus. Uh-huh.
Right. And I slept in the side bunks.
Yeah. Loved it.

Speaker 2 I slept like a baby. All right.
All right. And while I was laying there, I did a meditation in Canada.
Okay. And I played it out.
Andrew's going to go, demand the bag. And just listen to this.

Speaker 2 It's so annoying because you know you're more demanding than me. You're so much more demanding than me.

Speaker 2 Guys, guys, don't back me up. Let me fuck you.
You fucking know he's more demanding than me. I'm not Carlos.
Thank you. You're crazy, dude.
Fuck you.

Speaker 3 You're way more demanding than me. You know your dad.

Speaker 2 You're using slurs.

Speaker 3 What slur did I say?

Speaker 2 Fuck you.

Speaker 3 That's not a slur. It is.
No, I just said fuck you.

Speaker 2 That's a slur. Fucking.
That's a slur.

Speaker 2 What I'm saying is,

Speaker 2 you're asking me to talk and you're asking me to share my point.

Speaker 3 You're not allowed to tell me what you think I'm going to do.

Speaker 2 I'm just telling you

Speaker 2 what I meditated on in the back of the thing.

Speaker 3 Slander, center. You're honor.

Speaker 2 You're the honor. You could defend yourself, all right? But let me finish my meditation.

Speaker 3 So, what do you want to have happen?

Speaker 2 I'm not done with my meditations, bro.

Speaker 2 Go.

Speaker 2 Okay. So I laid there.
You're going to demand it. All right.

Speaker 2 You go, I'm

Speaker 2 busy. You say, you know, I, you know, I draw more.

Speaker 2 I never would say that.

Speaker 2 I'm in a bigger TV show. Yada, yada, yada, yada.
You know what I mean? I'm white, probably in your mind. Well, that part, yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I am white.

Speaker 2 And then my ego is going to get in the way, and I'm going to argue those points, and then we'll have a heated thing when we have to do business. And in my head, I'm going to be the better man.

Speaker 2 Just listen to me. And I'm going to show you, you know what, Andrew? I was going to say, you're such a funny guy.

Speaker 3 This is gaslighting. It's not gaslighting.
Guess, Carlos, this is actually what gaslighting is.

Speaker 2 Every day you fucking give me the definition of gaslighting, and I don't want to fucking see it. I already know what it means.

Speaker 3 Manipulative someone using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.

Speaker 2 You're fucking manipulating

Speaker 2 the conversation. Past.
No, you're manipulating. Experiences with you.

Speaker 3 We've never had this before. Order.

Speaker 2 Order. Order.
Thank you. I'm just using past experiences.
So, anyway, my medical. You're a fucking liar, dude.
You're going to demand it, and I'm going to go.

Speaker 2 So, what I planned was this.

Speaker 2 And you should have waited for me to do this. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I was going to, the first day we were in the bus, I was going to look at you, pat yourself on the back, and go, you know what, you're the bigger comic. You're the better comic.
You're such an asshole.

Speaker 2 You draw more. You're an asshole.
I'm not done. All right.
And you know what, dude? You deserve the fucking main room in the back. And I'm happy with the side, with the other, you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 And can I tell you something?

Speaker 3 Are you done finally? No.

Speaker 2 Because this is my speech that I created. And I go, you know, all these years, it's been a wonderful experience.

Speaker 3 Tours canceled.

Speaker 2 We're not going to do it. Nobody gets the bed.

Speaker 3 I came up with a good solution. What is it? I really did.
Truth to be told. What is it?

Speaker 3 And you know, by the way, for the record, for all the fans that fucking play into this game, none of that stuff is true. I've never said that.
I've never said any of that stuff.

Speaker 3 That's not fucking true. That's fucking bullshit.
And B.

Speaker 2 You guys never back me up. Look,

Speaker 2 these are based on my experience. Also, this Matt Locker.
Let him talk.

Speaker 5 Based on my experience flying to the Philippines with him, he, you know, we all flew him first class, except for him. He went to the back of the plane.
So I can back him up on this.

Speaker 3 I gave you my first class. Another level of not true.

Speaker 3 Bobby, I already made up my mind. We're doing the short.

Speaker 2 I don't even have to read the script. Let's plan the fucking game.
He can't read.

Speaker 3 He doesn't read fucking scripts.

Speaker 3 I already made up my mind, and I thought this was could be a fun, a fancy week.

Speaker 2 Go fuck yourself, by the way.

Speaker 3 And you know what? Also, you're not coming to dinner.

Speaker 2 And I mean it. You're not.

Speaker 3 And you know what? Also, no, you are coming to dinner. And you know what? I'm not going to let you fucking eat.
How about that? Carl, let you you get two meals. Thank you.

Speaker 3 I already decided what we're doing.

Speaker 2 I have something to do. I'll beef with Carlos in a second.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 3 I'll back him up. Fancy fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 3 But I already decided here's the best way that I think is going to be fun. Go ahead.
It's a rotation.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, that's what I decided.

Speaker 2 See what you're doing?

Speaker 3 Everybody gets a fair shot at sleeping in one of the everyone gets a lot of shit.

Speaker 2 You don't want to negotiate. This is my decision.
It is. And this is the way we're going to do it.

Speaker 3 No, we have to talk about it. No, it's a rotation.
Everybody on that, that's on that bus gets a chance to sleep in that bed. It's the most fair thing in the world.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to sleep on that bed after this fucking animal over here sleeps on it. Animal.

Speaker 2 Because you told me you're going to go and fucking rye and bang.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. Did you not say that? You didn't say that on the show.

Speaker 2 Every city, you're going to bang.

Speaker 6 There's going to be attempts, sir.

Speaker 2 I don't want his juices on the bed. Let the homie.

Speaker 2 That's probably the same.

Speaker 3 This is what I want. He doesn't get the.
There is a bunch. There is a.
First of all, time out. There is a bang bunk on the bus that you can occupy.
Thank you. It will just be for Carlos banging.

Speaker 4 How close are these pubs?

Speaker 3 No, no, no. We'll be off the bus while he's banging.

Speaker 2 No banging while there's on the bus.

Speaker 4 This will be when we're on stage.

Speaker 3 There's two rules.

Speaker 3 No banging on the bus when other people are on it. You only bang in the bang bus bunk.
Okay. And you don't poop on the bus.
Nobody poops on the bus. Nobody.
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 Unless it's an emergency. It doesn't.
No.

Speaker 3 We pull over. You poop on the side of the road.
You're not pooping on the bus.

Speaker 2 I pooped on the bus at Tom Cigar, and he was fine with that. He was pissed.

Speaker 2 He called me and was like, your little fucking, he was your little fucking korean friend pooped on my bus he was livid anyway okay no we're rotating no we're not rotating end of discussion see that everyone listening right now did you just hear what he said end of discussion it's my way or the highway that's right literally his way is the highway okay you do the how about this you do the rotation i'm just gonna keep i'm gonna sleep on one bunk bunk number five i'm gonna put all my stuff in there no

Speaker 2 bunk and i'm gonna stay there for the rest of the tour you know what what good compromise Okay. Good compromise.

Speaker 2 And you do the king room.

Speaker 3 No, and I'll rotate with these people who are.

Speaker 4 I'm also going to claim my bunk.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much. All right.
You claim your bunks?

Speaker 3 I mean, if there's rotating,

Speaker 2 I'm rotating.

Speaker 3 The guy's going to rotate.

Speaker 2 Okay, you know what, dude? Let me tell you what he did.

Speaker 2 You know what about?

Speaker 2 No, timeout, timeout, timeout.

Speaker 3 Timeout two ways. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I agree with you. No rotating.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Give it to him now.

Speaker 3 Here we go.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I owed him $400.

Speaker 3 I know. Right? I know.

Speaker 2 He comes from money.

Speaker 3 Don't do that.

Speaker 2 Let's rewind. Don't do that.
I'll take that out.

Speaker 3 You owe him $400. I owe $4.

Speaker 2 It had been a couple of days. Right.

Speaker 2 And then he texts me his Venmo thing. And, hey, man,

Speaker 2 like two days later, it's like, I'm going to get you. No, we work together.
We're friends. I'll get you when I get you.

Speaker 2 Okay. A timeout.

Speaker 2 Carlos. I can read it right now.
You want to read it?

Speaker 3 How many days after he said he was going to pay you the money did he pay them?

Speaker 2 We never designated a time.

Speaker 8 We didn't designate a time. That's right.

Speaker 8 It was when I remembered that I texted Bobby. I didn't want to forget.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's him because he's a fucking pothead. He doesn't want to forget that you owe him money.

Speaker 2 He doesn't actually remember.

Speaker 3 Dude, these fucking stoners, they're so fucking dumb that he has no idea what's going on. His fucking pot guy, he's a pot guy.

Speaker 2 I walked in. I did your Venmo.
Yeah. Yeah, you did it.
Immediately, right?

Speaker 8 Yeah, there were some things said in between.

Speaker 2 There was some things said. All right, so I'm going to look up your fucking thing right now, dude.
Okay. It was just, yeah.

Speaker 8 I mean, you didn't call me any words via text.

Speaker 2 So he goes, hey, the money owe you me. That's not what I wrote.

Speaker 2 Read what you wrote. There literally is nothing said.

Speaker 2 He did it. I paid you.

Speaker 2 End of story.

Speaker 3 How many days after the money that was owed from the thing that I think it was like four days? Four days is kind of a good window.

Speaker 2 If you work together and see each other every day.

Speaker 3 We don't see each other every day.

Speaker 3 You don't see him every day.

Speaker 2 Bobby, I was a lot of people.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you something. Are we

Speaker 2 flight attendants on different airlines?

Speaker 3 No, we're podcasters.

Speaker 2 Exactly. We work together, right?

Speaker 2 So during a month, how many times do I see you during a month?

Speaker 2 10, 12 times. Exactly.

Speaker 2 Eventually.

Speaker 2 You have to treat me. It's just weird.
Anyway, let's move on.

Speaker 2 I know. You're the mouse story.

Speaker 3 I'm 50-50 on this. I think you're both in the wrong.

Speaker 3 I think

Speaker 3 you should have let it chill. You should have also.

Speaker 2 I think I'm sounding like a baby today. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. All right, let me regroup.
Yeah, regroup.

Speaker 2 You know what I think? Thanks for monitoring the money.

Speaker 3 Do you know what I think you should do? Give him another $400 right now.

Speaker 4 Thanks, Tom.

Speaker 4 You know what I think you should do?

Speaker 4 I think you should tell him you're going to give him $400, but not when.

Speaker 2 Oh, sexy sexy. Yeah, you know what? I'm going to give you another $400, but you'll see when you get it.

Speaker 3 No, make it more of it for fun. You know what? You're going to give him $10,000.
No.

Speaker 2 Let's play this game.

Speaker 3 No, no, no, no. Oh, for you? Yeah.
Fancy? We're going to give you $20, but we're not going to tell you why.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 By the way. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Fansy, you know what? I know.

Speaker 3 He's a little snappy, little fucking ass.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you why Panzi's doing this, though. He wants something out of me.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you what. I know.
I know. He wants you to be.

Speaker 2 He's trying to get on my good side. And that's what I like about him.
He's a weasel.

Speaker 2 He's a snake. He's a snake in the fucking fucking grats.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 He is. What do you want out of Bobby, you snake?

Speaker 2 I just want him to be professional. What the fuck does that mean?

Speaker 2 What do you mean? What does that mean? Speak your mind, dude. This is New Year.

Speaker 3 Go ahead and say it. It's 2023.

Speaker 2 Yeah, let's change.

Speaker 2 We didn't do New Year's resolutions yet.

Speaker 3 We will, but I want to hear this bullshit out of this guy. Okay.
What do you want?

Speaker 5 So Bobby got me involved in a project.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh.

Speaker 4 That sounds good.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 And then we did the project with some pulling teeth from me. Yeah.
And then the project is ready to be discussed.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 5 he left me hanging. And when I text him about it, he just blows me off.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh.

Speaker 3 Welcome to texting Bobby.

Speaker 2 right no

Speaker 5 and he told me the other day when a girl uh a friend of his was around here that he was a new man and he was gonna really do it

Speaker 2 throw me on the bus huh

Speaker 2 throw me throw me right on the bus huh

Speaker 2 wow looks bar i like fancy a bus is coming okay bobby

Speaker 3 dude you're that's all right all right you want to go that way see now you know why i get mad at this fucking guy you know come on your your son up here.

Speaker 2 He's a fucking

Speaker 2 fucking snake, dude.

Speaker 3 You're a snakey little fuck. Yeah.
Let's go to New Year's resolutions. Jules, what are yours?

Speaker 4 My name's not Jules.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Whoa. That's your New Year's resolution.

Speaker 2 Remember people's names.

Speaker 3 Well, this goes back to the thing that I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 The dude thing.

Speaker 3 I had no idea her name.

Speaker 4 I think my name is.

Speaker 3 No, no, no. I just wanted to

Speaker 4 me.

Speaker 2 No, you know, you don't know her real name.

Speaker 3 Her real name is Jessica.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Juicy?

Speaker 3 Her name's not Juicy. Is her name Juicy? Juicy, Juicy.
No, no, she dropped it. She doesn't want Juicy.
Juice.

Speaker 4 What is it? I can't drop it.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay, Juicy. It's unplazed.
I'll believe I called you that. That's so wild.

Speaker 4 I'll post a flyer. I'll say Jetsuki, and all the comments are like, it's juice.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait. When you fucked up, you claimed Alzheimer's.
That was your defense mechanism?

Speaker 4 Yeah, my dad does that too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. That's crazy.
Where are we? Yeah, you did one of those. All right.
Who's that?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Larry David?

Speaker 3 What's your New Year's resolutions, Juice?

Speaker 4 Probably to be more memorable.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah. No, to get my own place.

Speaker 3 What's your real New Year's resolutions, Juice?

Speaker 4 To get a house. Wait, is that not how a resolution works?

Speaker 2 Well, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 3 Usually it's like I want to change your behavior or something inside.

Speaker 2 Change something.

Speaker 4 Oh, no, I think I'm done.

Speaker 2 You're done what? I'm good. You're done changing.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 So the New Year's goal is for you to

Speaker 3 get get your own place.

Speaker 4 That's my goal, yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, let me tell you something. Whatever you need to make it happen, we'll help make it happen.

Speaker 4 You guys already are.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but I mean, whatever you need, we'll help you, okay? Thank you. Whatever you need, we'll do it.
And if it comes at a cost of the show, like we have to pay these guys less, that's fine, too.

Speaker 4 That's fine with me as well.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's fucking fine, right? If we have to duct their pay, don't you think that's fair? Deduct their pay to get her a place to.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to do that for some of the beginning. What did you say? I don't want to do that to you.

Speaker 3 Me too, but we have to find a fucking way to do it. That doesn't seem so on the nose.

Speaker 4 I just need $1,500 to $2,000 a month.

Speaker 3 Got it.

Speaker 2 Extra.

Speaker 4 I like $1,000.

Speaker 3 You said that's what a studio apartment is now in L.A. Wow.
Two grand a month.

Speaker 2 Two grand a month afforded it.

Speaker 3 But isn't that crazy in LA? That's what it is now. What did you pay back in the day? My first apartment in Los Angeles was $417 a month.

Speaker 2 Yeah, mine was like $500.

Speaker 3 $417, but I shared it with four other men in one bathroom.

Speaker 2 That's where I'm at right now. Right.
I was there, dude.

Speaker 3 We did it. We fucking did that shit.

Speaker 3 And then my second place was

Speaker 3 $8.50 because I had my own bathroom.

Speaker 3 Because it was me and two other guys, and they shared a bathroom, and I had my own bathroom. And I was like, I'll pay as much as it takes to struggle just to get my own bathroom.

Speaker 3 And then after that, my first one bedroom by myself was $11.95. I remember it.
$11.95.

Speaker 3 Bro, when I got my first one bedroom, that's why I want her to have that. She deserves to have that fucking feeling.

Speaker 4 Most of next year, I'm not even going to be home.

Speaker 2 I'm like,

Speaker 3 I know, but you need a place to call your own. When you are home, you need a place to

Speaker 3 get away from the fucking bullshit. You know what I mean? Like, you need a place to call your own.

Speaker 2 We're going to make it happen. When I got

Speaker 2 right before Mad TV, I made a chunk of money on a commercial.

Speaker 2 And I remember moving into my own studio apartment. It was exposed bricks, hard wooden floor.
Sexy. You know what I mean? I painted it.

Speaker 2 There was like this vintage

Speaker 2 furniture store by my house. This guy, Barry, ran it.
He gave me some deals. It was so dope.
So cool. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Having your own place. It's success.

Speaker 3 It did change my life. Being able to do it was a big fucking thing.

Speaker 3 I remember one time coming home when I'd first moved in there and I closed the door and I was by myself and I looked around and I remember being like,

Speaker 3 I don't have to talk to anybody. Yeah.
It was incredible. I was like, for the first time, I lived in a place where I didn't have to talk to any humans.

Speaker 2 That's my dream.

Speaker 3 I didn't have to say hi or do like a fucking, I don't really want you guys to be smoking bongs right now. I just kind of want to, I have to like do a thing.
And I was so stoked to just now.

Speaker 2 Well, the place I moved out of was three floors up. So my roommates were still up there.
Oh, shit. Right? And they would always want to come down.

Speaker 2 No, you're not coming. No, you're don't enter to my fucking place.
Right. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 That is kind of a problem, though, to be like, I'm still here. You're gone, but you're still there.

Speaker 2 I was still kind of still there.

Speaker 2 Terrible.

Speaker 3 Okay, what's your New Year's resolution, Bob?

Speaker 2 Real or

Speaker 2 whatever you want to do.

Speaker 3 Can I say what I think yours should be?

Speaker 2 I think I know what it is. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 I want to spend some time alone.

Speaker 2 I really. There's no joke.
Okay. There's no joke.

Speaker 2 I need to get to know myself better.

Speaker 3 Are we talking, like, go on a trip alone? No, just be alone. In L.A.
Yeah. For how long?

Speaker 2 Maybe a year.

Speaker 2 What? We have a huge tour coming up. No, no, no.
Not that. In terms of like seeing people and stuff.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he means

Speaker 2 romantically alone. Oh, I was like, we're sharing punks on a bus.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Juice. I'm going to go leave me alone in the bus.
No, I'm not going to say that. No, but

Speaker 2 I think it's all. Okay.
Yeah, because I.

Speaker 3 One calendar year.

Speaker 3 You think you can go a year?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 I do.

Speaker 3 Do you want to make a monetary bet?

Speaker 2 I already owe you a thousand from the public. Yes, you fucking do.

Speaker 3 No, I don't. A year is a lot.

Speaker 3 Let's just do three months of just complete,

Speaker 3 what's the word I'm looking for? Celibacy. Celibacy.

Speaker 2 It's not just the celibacy.

Speaker 3 It's like...

Speaker 3 And I mean intimacy with others then. How about that? How about no dating, no nothing for three months? That's fair, right? Let's do it.
Let's see how it feels.

Speaker 2 I just feel lost.

Speaker 3 Well, let's talk about it.

Speaker 2 Right now?

Speaker 2 Well, that's what. Yeah, I feel lost.

Speaker 2 It's more real than, you know what I mean, comedy, but.

Speaker 3 This is fine, too.

Speaker 3 What's going on? You feel like you're not connecting with anybody.

Speaker 2 It's not that, it's like, what's the whole reason behind in the beginning? It was exciting because, you know what I mean? Oh, I matched with somebody. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I'm going to go on a date, this and that. Sometimes you would make out, whatever it might be, but it's like, it's all just kind of surface.

Speaker 3 It doesn't have to be.

Speaker 2 It doesn't mean it. Yeah, but it's like, who do, I don't even know what I'm looking for.
That's okay. And that's what I think I need to figure out.
What exactly am I looking for?

Speaker 2 What do I want in a partner?

Speaker 2 What are my intentions here?

Speaker 3 Well, that's nice. You can slowly but surely

Speaker 3 figure that out. I do think being alone and understanding who you are, that's an important piece of this.
But also, you're kind of sounding like, what's the point of it all?

Speaker 3 That's kind of, it sounded like you almost said, what's the point of it?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, I look at people's relationships and

Speaker 2 I go, you know, like, what

Speaker 2 like, I've been watching Deep Space Nine.

Speaker 3 Deep Space Nine is your window into relationships?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 3 I've been watching. So, Star Trek is the window that you lose.

Speaker 2 That's the barometer. That's what I've been wanting.
You know what I mean? Yeah. And, like, you know, Jeremy Sisko, you know, the captain, he's the black guy with the bald head there.

Speaker 2 What's so funny, Carlos?

Speaker 2 His wife was killed by the Borg.

Speaker 2 In the beginning of the show, you realize he has a son, and his wife is killed by the Borg.

Speaker 3 I just can't believe they killed his wife. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Well, it was

Speaker 2 when Jean-Luc Picard became a Borg? He became Lucutis.

Speaker 2 Do you remember that? He became Lucutis.

Speaker 3 Who were you asking, do you remember that?

Speaker 2 Well, maybe the Nerds? No. The Nerds don't know.
They don't know.

Speaker 3 How would they know this?

Speaker 2 You're asking. Why? Look at the Google.
You Googled it.

Speaker 3 We don't know this, though.

Speaker 2 You don't know any of these people.

Speaker 3 I know Spork.

Speaker 2 That's not Spork. That's the Spork.
That's not Tacovo. Yeah, yeah, that's a Skorvovo.

Speaker 3 Are you telling me that the guy with the big ears isn't Spork? Quark. Well, he looks like a Spork.

Speaker 2 His name is Quark. The Spork.

Speaker 3 Well, that looks like a Spork to me.

Speaker 2 Okay. His name is not his Quark.

Speaker 3 And the guy to his left is my dad.

Speaker 3 Is that auto-brazette not someone related to me? That's Colmini.

Speaker 2 It's Chief O'Brien. O'Brien.
Okay, so come on.

Speaker 3 Potatoes. Call him potatoes.

Speaker 2 And Quark is a Frangie. Anyway, can I just...

Speaker 3 And then the bottom left is Juicy. That's a descendant of Juicy.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's my grandma.

Speaker 3 And who's top left? Go for it.

Speaker 2 Whorf.

Speaker 3 Wharf? Yeah. That's his name is Worf.

Speaker 2 You don't know that? Buddy.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Don't buddy me though. 14th time.
Yeah. I've never seen Star Trek.
Oh, you're missing out then.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you why. No, I'm not.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you why you're not? Why you are? Okay, sure, go. All right.
You know Adam Egett?

Speaker 3 Nope.

Speaker 2 You don't know Adam Eget? I do. All right.
So Adam Egot, I was just in Austin. I did the Tom Segura thing.
And me and Adam Egot went out for fucking

Speaker 2 barbecue. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 2 And we're sitting there eating meat, as you do as men. Correct.
Right. Yeah.
And he goes, he goes, what's your favorite D Space Nine episode? And we talked about it, right?

Speaker 2 And the reason why we talk about it and we talk about Star Trek is because years ago when he lived in LA, I go, Do you know Star Trek Next Generation? And he goes,

Speaker 2 Those are for nerds. I would never watch it.
I go, watch this one episode. He watched it.
He watches Next Gen and DS9,

Speaker 2 DSpace Nine, consecutively every episode. It's so good.

Speaker 2 Right? You're just, you don't know because you're not willing to know.

Speaker 2 Right? But if I told you to watch a certain episode of fucking Star Trek Next Generation, you would go, oh my God, this is a great show. The writing.

Speaker 3 Have you seen The Last Dance, the documentary about Michael Jordan? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, you did? I loved it. You did? Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 3 No, I just didn't think you'd like that.

Speaker 2 I watched, you know, you know what else I love? Ken Burns' Vietnam War documentary series. I watch good shit.
Yeah. And I'm telling you, this is a good show.

Speaker 3 I just don't like it.

Speaker 2 You've never seen it.

Speaker 3 The look of it makes me mad.

Speaker 2 I know, in the beginning, it's a little weird.

Speaker 3 I just don't care about these.

Speaker 3 I don't give a fuck about what?

Speaker 2 It's not fantasy. It's not fantasy.

Speaker 3 Oh, it's reality?

Speaker 2 It's science fiction.

Speaker 3 Sci-fi fantasy. It doesn't do.

Speaker 2 That's the space station.

Speaker 3 Right, it looks dumb.

Speaker 2 And there's a wormhole.

Speaker 3 You know why it looks dumb? Because I know.

Speaker 2 It is. There's a wormhole.

Speaker 3 That's not what it's going to look like. That's why it bothers me.
It's fucking bullshit.

Speaker 2 You're right.

Speaker 3 It's never going to look that way.

Speaker 4 Yeah, there would be like like a McDonald's logo on it.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of things about that show where I go, well, how do we.

Speaker 3 Sponsored by Bank of America.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 2 That's Garrick.

Speaker 2 Kardashian, but he's a spy.

Speaker 3 I just don't like the way he looks. I don't want to watch him.

Speaker 2 He's a Kardashian?

Speaker 3 Do you know why people like Brad Pitt get so much work over the years beyond the fact that he's a good actor? Why? Because it's really nice to look at him on screen.

Speaker 3 It's really nice to look at fucking George Clooney on screen. Bring back Spork.

Speaker 3 I don't want to look at this fucking guy for a half an hour at a fucking time.

Speaker 4 That's the future of the game.

Speaker 2 That's not Spork. That's fucking a Kardashian.
That's Garrett. Okay, a Kardashian.

Speaker 3 That Kardashian.

Speaker 2 Which Kardashian is that?

Speaker 2 Google Ferengi. Which Kardashian is? Google Ferengi.
Is that Chloe? Ferengi. Yeah, Ferengi.

Speaker 4 As Hollywood gets more dynamic.

Speaker 2 These are Ferengis.

Speaker 4 This is what it's going to look like.

Speaker 2 This is what Hollywood is.

Speaker 4 Yeah, Brad Pitt's out.

Speaker 3 So here's my point. Yeah.

Speaker 3 The reason that you and I,

Speaker 3 and I'm putting us into this, the reason that you and I only get a limited amount of work in television and film isn't because of our skill set. We're very skilled.
You are a great actor.

Speaker 3 You're fucking phenomenal, right?

Speaker 3 But you don't look like people should be watching you all the time.

Speaker 3 Me too.

Speaker 3 Nobody wants to see our faces on TV for a super long amount of time. We look like that.

Speaker 3 That's what people see us. In the Midwest, he just died.

Speaker 3 In real life? Yeah. Well, don't do that to me.
God bless. I'm sorry.
It's a bad.

Speaker 3 Well, the makeup. I'm just saying.

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 2 Anyway, can I go back to my fucking

Speaker 3 let me make my point?

Speaker 3 I don't want to look at weird, ugly, alien creatures. Look at that guy.
Look at how fucking weird that looks. No, thanks.

Speaker 3 Look at how fucking weird. What are they doing?

Speaker 2 They're a race of Frankies.

Speaker 2 Well, then I'm racist against Frankie's. The whole culture is based on commerce and business.
What's so funny?

Speaker 3 That's what they are. Wait, their race is based on what?

Speaker 2 Commerce and business. Like, all the races have a certain ideology and a language and a culture, and it brings, it's cool.

Speaker 3 I don't like it. I just don't, I don't want to look at that.

Speaker 2 Well, then, you don't have to.

Speaker 3 Thank you. All right.
Here's my problem. This guy looks nice.
He died. That's a wonderful thing.
Well, I rest in peace.

Speaker 3 I'd like to see his beautiful smiling face on TV instead of when he's in makeup looking like a fucking go back to it, click on when he's in makeup, down,

Speaker 2 right there.

Speaker 2 I don't want to watch that.

Speaker 3 I don't want to watch him with his weird fucking balls on his testicle head and his nice.

Speaker 2 I I know, but can I just finish what I'm going to say? There's a principle about, you know what I mean, that world that I love.

Speaker 3 What is it?

Speaker 2 There's several of them. The prime directive

Speaker 3 is, what's so funny?

Speaker 2 The prime directive.

Speaker 3 I mean, look at this long-necked penis guy. Why do they have to look so fucking...
You know what this is? Do you know what Star Trek? You know what Star Trek is to me? What?

Speaker 3 This is

Speaker 3 electric cars. That's what this looks like.

Speaker 2 No, here, no, let me finish.

Speaker 3 This is ridiculous. Let me finish.

Speaker 2 Let me finish.

Speaker 3 How come, just because it's an electric car, does it have to look annoying? Why can't it just look like a cool car? So we have cool cars. I get what you're saying.

Speaker 2 You have a cool looking car.

Speaker 3 But if they made it electric, it would look fucking stupid.

Speaker 2 They put weird bullshit like this. I like it.

Speaker 2 They make it for me. Okay, but don't.
I don't want to do it.

Speaker 2 I want to see this too. If you're in a different universe, right?

Speaker 2 I know, but you land on a planet, right? Yeah. And, you know what I mean? It has the same kind of atmosphere conditions that Earth does.
And you get off of of your ship.

Speaker 2 And what, you think the aliens are going to look like Anthony Jeslin walking up? No, they're going to look like that.

Speaker 3 They're not going to look like that. We made that up.
They're going to look like something we've never seen or thought about.

Speaker 2 We can't imagine. It's called imagination.
Yeah, but I like my imagination.

Speaker 3 I don't like this guy's, whoever the fuck wrote that.

Speaker 3 The prime director prohibits Starfleet personnel and spacecraft from interfering in the normal development of any society and mandates that any Starfleet vessel or crew as member is expendable to prevent violation of this rule.

Speaker 2 And we can apply that to our life. That's bullshit.

Speaker 2 You can't. We can apply it to whatever.
You're crazy.

Speaker 3 You're crazy.

Speaker 2 It's like America going into fucking, you know, Nigeria and opening and being capitalism and opening up these and think the way we think and believe what we believe. We shouldn't do that.

Speaker 2 We shouldn't do that. We shouldn't do that.
No, and there are things in the show that I believe in. That's all I'm saying.
I know. I want to say something to you.

Speaker 3 Because you don't like to face reality, so you want to live in a fantasy.

Speaker 2 No, I'm going to say one thing to you. That's what it is.
I'm going to make you watch one.

Speaker 3 I'll watch one with you.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm going to make it.

Speaker 3 But I'm going to make fun of it the whole fucking time.

Speaker 2 I will film it.

Speaker 4 He's going to eyes wide shut you.

Speaker 2 Can you watch one and not make fun of it?

Speaker 3 Absolutely not.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm not going to watch it with you because you know what? That's my Bible.

Speaker 3 This is your Bible.

Speaker 2 Dude, ask anyone, Kalilo or anybody in my life, right?

Speaker 2 All I do is all day watching this.

Speaker 3 Is it available on YouTube? How do I see this fucking bullshit? You're going to buy it on iTunes. Well, that I'm definitely not doing it.
I'll give you money for it.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Give me money right now. 20, 40, 60.

Speaker 2 You can buy the same show. Three seasons.
Okay. Right.
Of

Speaker 2 the sets. Start with Star Trek Next Generation.
Okay.

Speaker 4 I haven't seen it either, Bobby. No,

Speaker 2 you're already a comfort. You're already a comfort.

Speaker 3 That money goes to juicy. That's in the juicy pile.
Okay. Okay, so let me tell you something.

Speaker 3 I'm going to watch.

Speaker 2 I don't want you to watch all the eyes. I just want you to watch the one episode that got Adam Egan hooked.

Speaker 3 Then pick, then send it to me. I will.
Tell me the one you want me to watch, and I will fucking watch it. Okay.

Speaker 2 It's season five. But I'm going to be able to.

Speaker 2 I'm going to tell you what it is. Season five.
Yeah. Next, next generation, second to last episode.
The episode's called The Inner Light.

Speaker 2 It's considered the greatest Star Trek episode ever written.

Speaker 4 I'm so mad. You don't need the context, though.

Speaker 3 Yeah, do I not need any context?

Speaker 2 Not really.

Speaker 3 I can just watch it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I'm going to get pissed. I know I'm going to be so pissed off when I watch this.
It's 45 minutes long. I know that's a long time for me to get pissed off.

Speaker 3 It was a 22-minute episode. Is that penis-looking guy? Is this what they look like?

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 All right. I mean, if you see that scene, that spot right there, that shot right there.
Bro, let me say something. Who is that?

Speaker 3 Is that John LeBron?

Speaker 2 Patrick Stewart. That's Patrick Stewart.

Speaker 2 If you see that scene and you don't shed a tear, you have no empathy and love.

Speaker 2 I don't know what you're laughing at. When they pan away from him playing that flute, dude, every single time.
Dude.

Speaker 3 Does he actually play the flute?

Speaker 3 Yeah. Oh, I don't want.
This is going to piss me off so fucking much.

Speaker 3 All right. Stop showing clips because I'm going to watch the fucking episode.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 i'm about to cry now i love it i love it anyway is this the one that teaches you about a relationship no that's not the one i teach it's a different show the next show that they do after the next generation is ds9

Speaker 2 anyway what are you so angry about because i'm i'm bummed that i gotta watch this

Speaker 2 no i have to for the sake of the show i have to do it yeah and then you're gonna make fun of it and you're gonna make fun of the thing that i love the most

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 3 but that's part of our relationship.

Speaker 2 No, I understand that, but I don't attack things like...

Speaker 3 Yes, Yes, you do.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you.

Speaker 3 You make fun of me in golf all the time.

Speaker 2 Let me say something. Why?

Speaker 2 If you had a baby. Yeah.
And you want one, right? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 it's like my baby. I would never make fun of your baby.

Speaker 3 Star Trek is your baby.

Speaker 2 I love it that much.

Speaker 3 You didn't make it.

Speaker 2 It feels like it was made for me, though.

Speaker 3 So it's adopted.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 You feel like it was made for you. So you adopted a baby.

Speaker 2 It makes me feel.

Speaker 3 You're telling me I can't make fun of your adopted baby?

Speaker 2 It makes me feel. It's like my religion.
It makes me feel a part of the world and makes me want to live. I'm being real.

Speaker 3 This gives you life.

Speaker 2 I'm being real, yeah. I love it that much.
And I was trying to get Adam Egan and I to do DS9. We're trying to figure out what DS9 tattooed.

Speaker 3 Stop calling it that.

Speaker 2 What tattoos are we going to do? Is that what it's called?

Speaker 3 DS9? We're going to get tattoos.

Speaker 2 Right in our next DS9 tattoos.

Speaker 3 What does that mean, DS9? DS9.

Speaker 2 Deep Space Nine.

Speaker 2 Oh, I like it less.

Speaker 3 That's why I said DS9.

Speaker 2 God damn it. I know.
All right, well,

Speaker 2 I have my assignment.

Speaker 3 Let's call Adam Egot.

Speaker 2 Thank you. I love you, Max.

Speaker 3 Did you get something, Max? No.

Speaker 2 Hey, buddy. Adam.

Speaker 2 Yo.

Speaker 2 You're on bad friends for a second. Oh, fuck.
I know. Listen.
You know, I brought up Deep Space Nine to Andrew, and he starts making fun of me, calling me nerd and all this stuff.

Speaker 2 And like, you know, it's stupid. can you just tell the hymn that it's good it's fucking ridiculous dude you're you're a fucking nerd you watch that shit oh

Speaker 2 you son of a

Speaker 2 barrison i love you adam

Speaker 2 you son of a people

Speaker 2 you adam you son of you too andrew i'll see you soon see you soon dude i'll see you in a couple weeks all right

Speaker 3 thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 That was such a good way to act. Oh, my God.