The Diamond Brothers

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Hey, bad friends. My special cheeseburger is out right now on Netflix.
Please watch it.

Please share it.

Tell people double thumbs up like it and tell everyone you know to watch cheeseburger on Netflix right now. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Got a heart of glass. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that song? Yeah, well, that's Blondie. I stole, I had, I stole, I shouldn't say that.
I took two bags filled of clothes. It was so cool.
And guess what Jessie did, Juicy. What? She stole her shoes from Herman Munster.
Yo! Where do you get those? Lift up your feet. Let me see your shoes.
What the fuck? Oh, those are tight. Those are tight.
Who makes those? You like them? No. Oh, I thought Bobby complimented me.
What? These aren't for Andrew. You would never wear those.
Orthopedics? Yeah. They're good for my back.
Yeah, they're very... um juice what are you doing with these big old stilts i want to be taller no they look tight i'm not gonna lie that's what's hip for the kids yeah these are cool wait wait that's what's hip hip for the kids 100 that is absolutely a hip shoe for the kids type in hip shoes for kids i will say i had red laces on them and then last night at the, people told me to take them off because I guess that's what the Nazis are doing.

Yeah.

You knew that?

Yeah.

Well, they love the color red.

And black.

Yes, we do.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Wait, what?

No, do hip shoes for Gen Z.

You're Gen Z, aren't you?

I'm a millennial, but thank you. Are you really?

I thought you were Gen Z.

32.

Oh, you just made it, right?

Is that what it is?

Or no, you're the...

Oh, they are. Wow.
Wow. Bottega Venera.
That's how much mine were too. Those are $1,500? Yeah.
Oh, wow. Wow.
I've been saving up all my money for that. Amazing.
Well, let's give love where love is due. What? I got to tell you something, man.
I love you. I love you.
You were a little hostile the other night But let's move on from it Can I talk about it? A little hostile But let's move on from it No cause Can I talk about it? It's gonna enrage me And I'm in a good mood No You're not listening to me Please go ahead Can you let me finish? It's an apology? I'm saying I am I told you I'm sorry that night Because I didn't like an interaction And I love you And I even sat on on the stairs. I said, I don't want something like that to get between us.
And look at me in the face. It never will.
It never will again. Really? Yeah.
Because I was pissed off. Not at you, but it came at me.
Well, you know why I was mad and you agreed that it was not okay. What happened? I didn't do anything.
No, no. Oh, so the interaction that you had before me was not okay, which I agree with.
Yeah. But you brought that hostility into my life.
Look at me. I apologize.
I apologize. I love you very much.
I love you. One, two, three.
I love you. I love you so much.
I apologize. I was bummed.
You were bummed. And Bobby didn't deserve any of this.
Well, I saw him walking down the hallway, and I can just tell he has like that Northman thing. He brings his shoulders in, and he's just like walking directly toward me, right? Now I look for axes.
When they walk like that, I look for the axes and the knives. Yeah, that.
I look for all that shit, right? So does he have that? No, it's probably in the car. In my head, right? It is.
And he comes up to me and he goes, hey you! Like a Viking. Japanese Viking? That's my Viking.
Hey you! Hey you. Is that a pirate? Kind of.
I don't know. Kind of piratey.
Yeah. Hey you.
Hey you. Hey you.
That's good. Yeah.
And you just. How come you.
Like something about like phone calls. I haven't made any phone calls for people.
I love when you make phone calls. That's what it is.
I need you to make phone calls. No because you're trying to get me to call people no I know what it was I know exactly what it was can I just bring it up how come you're about my agents what do I have to do with my agents I say pick up the fucking phone and tell them to say yes to the god damn tour we're trying to go on tour it's 8 o'clock at night though we're trying to go on tour.
It's 8 o'clock at night, though. We're trying to go on tour! See, there it is.

Send them an email.

Anyway, I accept your apology,

and that's that.

I love you.

God bless.

I love you, too.

And can I say something?

What?

Two things.

One, thanks to the fans locally in L.A.,

sold out the shows for the bad friends.

Two nights, and all the money's going to the door

humans

what

can I just say something

yeah

you want to keep

some of the money

no

can one of the doormen

not get any money

yeah

you know what's so funny

yeah

me

no not you

no no yeah

she doesn't get anything

no I want her to get the money

she gets nothing

we did the math

because we were talking about

what if there's one door guy

that doesn't do a good job

we're like

what if he doesn't get the money

and we did the math

and it's like an extra

$22 for each of us

nice

Thank you. the math because we were talking about what if there's one door guy that doesn't do a good job we're like what if he doesn't get the money and we did the math and it's like an extra 22 dollars for each of us nice so it's kind of not worth that's how much you're making no if you we divided it into oh i see there's 26 door people right so it's kind of not worth just like stabbing him in the back to lockwood you know why he deserves it he's so funny he did something last week and he's doubling down and i just have to sit get this up he's so fucking funny yeah whatever he did i'm gonna laugh go ahead go ahead oh god you're arranging you're doing the northman thing again i'm not northman in at all yeah you're not doing the shoulder but i can tell the shoulders are down all right good what do you do so you know how the main room front door after the show starts is completely closed yeah right so then what we have to do is we have to go all the way around the building it's not that big of a deal yeah forget it you know i don't know what you're excited with him you don't know what the fuck it is yeah no i sided with you yeah yeah i was just saying yes i have something in my throat i know his host i'm good, so anyway...
So I'm in the patio. You're gonna make me go all the way around.
That's not the point. You're gonna make me go all the way around.
You're gonna make me go... All the way around.
All the way around. Oh, no.
You're gonna make me go... All the way around.
Okay, so he made you go all the way around Because the door was closed So what the door was closed He made you go all the way around No that's not what happened What happened I'm in the patio I'm like I gotta get in the main room Because I left my jacket in the main room Green room You've done that So many times It's unbelievable So I go let me just check the front door right so i go out in the front door i'm about to approach it right i'm kind of where the opening where the patio is i'm coming around the corner yeah i see lockwood walk out of the main room front door he looks at me smiles and shuts the door that's awesome shout out to matt lockwood and i go bro you look you saw me You couldn't hold the door And he's like Hey my man Policy dog Right And so I had to go All the way around Woo Yeah Why don't you keep A couple jackets In the main room Green room Because you've left so many Why don't you just act Like a secondary closet What do you mean I still have to go back To get the jackets No but I'm saying Leave a couple jackets there If I leave the jackets All the jackets will be there I have to go all the way around You know what I mean I don't have to go back to get the jackets. No, but I'm saying, leave a couple jackets there.
If I leave the jackets,

all the jackets will be there.

I have to go all the way around.

You know what I mean?

I don't want to go all the way around.

Make it your jacket closet.

Or what about this?

How about not close the front door?

I like that.

That's better.

That makes more sense.

It doesn't make any sense because what if people come to the show late?

They got to do the knock, right?

They do,

but that's their message.

That's the store's message saying, don't be late.

Show already started.

Anyway, so can we not give him money?

That sounds good.

Last night, I gave him shit about it, and he goes, I don't give a fuck, dog.

He does not.

He does not.

He does not care.

And so now I'm believing that he wants to start some sort of war with me.

He does.

Okay.

That being said, I need to win. Let's call him up.
Yeah, call him. Let's see what this fucking guy's got to say.
I told him you really like to be like complimented and stuff. Who, me? Yeah.
I don't need that. What the fuck are you talking about? Delete that.
Yeah, you do. Leave that in.
You're a little bastard. Hey, you're on Bad Friends.
Bobby's out here saying that he thinks you're trying to start a war with him because you closed the door on him from the front and you made him go all the way around the back. Yeah, motherfucker could use some exercise.
Whoa! Motherfucker could use some exercise. Listen, I'm not trying to start a war, dog, but, you know, if he wants to come at me, he's going to come at somebody who's going to fight back.
What do you got to say, buddy? The war's on. The war is on.
All right, let's go. Let's go.
All right. He's not afraid of you.
I know you're not because I'm small and you're a big guy. I get it.
Oh, so you're saying he's a... You think in high school, in high school, you were able to do that to little Asian guys in high school? I know you did that, but my point is that – But this is a different world, all right? And I'm a big boy now.
All right. All right, you want to start a war? I'll start a war.
You started it. You closed the door on me.
I'm going to finish it, bro. I'm not starting it.
No, did you not – Okay, let me ask you this, Matt. Did you close the door on me? Yeah.
I slammed it. I slammed it shut.
There we go. So that's the war.
You started the war. That's first blood.
All right. Okay.
Cantino. Yeah, bud.
You got my back, yeah? I love you, Doug. All right.
Always. Appreciate you.
Bye. All right.
He's the best. All right, so.
I got to tell you something. You going to back him? Well, here's the deal.
No. He's like 6'6".
He's big. He's a big, big boy.
He's fat though. And he's got nothing to lose.
I've seen 600 pound life. He's not.
They're tall as well, but they can't move. I got to tell you.
Right. He's a big boy.
I know he's a big boy. But he looks like he might have some.
Here's what I'm going to say to you. Whoa.
Just run.

I don't know.

I think you should run.

Bro, I don't need your help in the war because the kind of war that I'm going to fight is not physical.

What kind of war do you do?

Korea.

Korean?

What do you say?

Korean.

Oh.

Korean War?

Korean War Part 2.

We already won that one, didn't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, you were on our side.

What are you talking about?

Wait, I'm a Korean?

No, America was on the Korean side during the Korean War.

It was North Korea versus South Korea in the war.

I was really... part two we already won that one didn't we well you were on our side what are you talking about i'm a korean no america was on the korean side during the korean war it was north korea versus south korea in the war i was rooting for north i know i wanted them to win so bad redhead guy it was your family on the other side i know yo how funny would that be an image of like panning overseeing all these koreans and then just one redheaded guy with a gun what is he doing in that crew? Two things.
First of all, we do like the shoes.

Second of all, the teddy bear shirt, fire.

You like it?

I love it. You like it?

Pretty good.

I like your style.

I love that you guys are complimenting me.

Well, because you're the best, Juice.

We love you.

It's the holidays.

I'm feeling good.

Happy Hanukkah.

Merry Christmas.

Happy Kwanzaa.

When does this come out?

After that?

January.

It's already over.

Happy New Year? Happy New Year? Is this Happy New Year? Happy New Year. Happy Father's Day.
What It's already over. Happy New Year?

Happy New Year?

Is this Happy New Year?

Happy New Year.

Happy Father's Day.

Have we had a great New Year?

Great.

For a second, because it's the new year.

Let's reflect.

What happened great in 2022?

Oh, shit.

I have so much to be reflecting.

Well, fucking let's hear it.

Let me see.

Go ahead.

No, I'm saying I hope I'm part of it. i mean you're gonna be in the book what you're definitely in the book what do you mean the book my audio autobiography when i die footnote i'll be a footnote no no if i have a book about my life yeah i'll be a ghost writers i'll be a chapter you think you have how many chapters on the book 3 000 if there's 3 000 You'll be a chapter.
I'll have ghost writers. I'll be a chapter.
You think you have how many chapters on the book? 3,000? If there's 3,000 chapters, you'll be a chapter. That would be awesome.
You don't think the bad friends chapter of your life is a massive part of your life. You really don't think so? I don't understand the question.
Can you explain it to me? I don't think you're going to get a book. Yes.
Not kind of fucking mindset. How many chapters are in the book? Can I ask you that? In a book, what is the average? I've never read one.
What are the average numbers? 40. 40.
You'll be a chapter. 40 chapters? That's good.
He doesn't know what he's talking about. He's never read read a fucking book i'll say this this is your chapters of your life ready san diego abuse no drugs laundromats that's chapter one chapter two dynamite detail on the railroads chapter two don't forget that chapter two yeah stand up struggling no la jolla absolutely not comedy store chapter three uh-huh kalilah okay chapter four the santino years is that what you're fucking saying yeah oh so chapter four is santino years yeah the santino years all right chapter five Let me ask you Death Can I ask you A question though Real quick About books

Right Santino years. Yeah, the Santino years.
All right. Chapter five.
Let me ask you. Death.
Death. All right.
Can I ask you a question though real quick about books, right? Can the chapter be one page? Sure. Then you'll have the fourth chapter.
Whoa. Yeah.
If the chapter's one page, you can have it. And there's 30 chapters.
So disrespectful. Well, how many chapters am I in your book? You're the whole book.
You're the whole book. Oh, it's called Bobby Lee and Me.
It's called Me and Bob. Yeah, Me and Bob.
Me and Bobby Lee. Me and Bobby Lee.
Listen to how that rings. Me and Bobby Lee.
You know what, dude? I'll be honest with you. If my book is Tom Sawyer, you're Huckleberry Finn.
That feel better? Mm-hmm. If this is Mice and Men, you're the big guy.
Am I? I'm the one. You are.
I'm the one. I crushed the mouse in my hand.
If our book, how about this? If our book is Phantom of the Opera. Yeah.
I've never, I don't know. I'm the Phantom.
Yeah. And I'm the opera? You're Christine.
Oh. I can't be the opera? Because I love you, but I can't really have you.
Oh, okay. But I really, really want you.
All right. And I want to capture you and bring you down to my lair and hold you captive and sing you songs.
But in Mice and Men, that big guy, what was his name? Do you guys remember? Stop, stop, stop. Hold on.
Don't even Google it. It was, his name is Lenny.
Lenny. Fuck.
But in the book, I don't know if I read it, but does he kill mice in his hands? I don't know if I read it. The book, I don't know if I read it.
Okay. What are the chances I read it What are the chances that you read it then I think I read it Because I think I distinctly I distinctly I can't even say the word I distinctly remember Did you relapse? No I didn't know I just can't say that word I distinctly remember That he kills a mouse with his hands Because he doesn't know how strong he is You're thinking of Green Mile That's right Is right.
Is that what the Green Mile is? Yeah. So does Lenny not kill- You didn't read the book.
You watched a movie. Look it up.
Does it kill- What? You didn't read a book. You watched a movie.
Well, because Lenny's black, right? Oh, my. In your world, I guess.
Lenny kills Curly's wife because of his inability to control his own strength and emotions. Oh.
Okay. He does have a mouse as a pet.
Oh, he doesn't kill it. Yeah, it's like his friend.
Oh, it's his friend. My bad.
Speaking of pets, show them Santino. Did you hear about this? All over the news.
What? That's Santino right there. Zookeepers noticed after observing Santino behind blind glass.
The chimpanzee had been busy stockpiling ammunition in anticipation of the visitors,

dragging stones

from a protective moat

and even thumping chunks

of concrete into rough disks.

He made the piles of stones

only on the part of his island

facing the crowds.

Santino the Chimp

has been hucking poop

and stone at visitors in the zoo.

He's a bad boy. What a bad boy.
I have a photo of Santino's wife on my phone. Would you like to see it? Yeah.
Okay. Yeah? I can't wait to see it.
You would like to see it? I haven't seen what photo. What photo? This must be a...
It's a photo of Santino's wife. Me or this chimp? Yeah, why? The chimp's wife.
Oh, I thought you were his wife. I'm being held at the zoo in Sweden, by the way.

I heard he got out.

What did it say in December?

I can't see because of the glare.

He just died.

Come here.

You want to look?

He just died?

Yeah.

Rest in peace.

Send it to the boys so they can put it up on the screen.

No, I'm not going to send this photo to the screen.

This can't be seen.

Let me see.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my.

I know.

You sent that to me.

Have you seen? Are you offended by that, by the way? No, I'm happy to see Bobby so happy. You need to delete that off your phone immediately.
Why? Because in case something happens, you're in big. Like, if someone hacks your laptop.
You don't want that evidence around. Yeah, and you're prone to getting hacked.
Yeah, it's getting hacked. Yeah, it's on Twitter.
You're still hacked on Twitter.

Yeah, it could happen.

By the way, shout out to everybody on Twitter who's bought a laptop from Bobby Lee.

I mean, dude, you realize people are still buying laptops from you.

I went to a private company.

They still can't do anything to buy.

This guy's incredible.

This might be one of the best hackers of all time.

He's had your account for how long now?

A month almost.

A month.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

He's racking up them laptop points.

Am I losing? I probably lost so many followers. $343,000.
Still pretty good. Still pretty good.
And you probably sold a couple thousand laptops. Can I sue him for the money? You can sue him maybe for...
I mean, if he's using my fucking Twitter to sell products... Isn't this funny, though, that Elon Musk...
Elon Musk aside, Twitter in general, the fact that Twitter doesn't understand how to stop this is crazy. That's crazy to me.
Anyway, that's your monkey. That's my monkey.
They called this monkey the Santino? He just died. He was shot after escaping the enclosure.
I got out. My boy got out.
Santino. He got out, and then he went missing, and then they killed him.
Wow. They shot him.
They were afraid. They were afraid of what he was going to do, and I got to tell you, it looks a little bit like me.
We have the same eyes. Eyes are, yeah.
We have the same eyes. It's similar.
The same yellow eyes. Same yellow jaundice, alcohol-latent eyes.
I wish, yeah, the Santino chimp. He's cute, dude.
There's a guy on TikTok who has a chimp as a pet, and it would be tight. It's crazy, but it would be tight.
I think you just got to make them a little smarter than they'll be able to communicate with us, I think. They're really smart.
No, with English, though. Oh, they only speak Spanish.
It's a physical thing why they can't talk. Yeah, it's their throat.
Their larynx hasn't drowned. That's right.
Oh, so what you're saying to me right now is that if they had a larynx, Yeah. that they'd be able to go, what's up, Bob? Probably.
Of course. They can't form the same words.
You think they're not thinking that stuff? They're so smart. They're so smart.
Yeah, they could put blocks together and shit, you know what I mean? And like escape a maze maybe, but like. You can't escape a maze.
I know. Well.
But I could do the blocks pretty good. I know.
I have trouble with my blocks. By the way, this is a science question.
How many times larger is the human brain than a chimpanzee's brain? I already have it. Don't look it up.
I already know. Men are females, right? Oh, sick burn, dog.
Dudes first. How much larger is the male brain to the...
Human brain, it says. I don't know.
I mean, I don't even know the right measurement lingo. How many times larger pounds? I don't know.
What do you say? How many times larger is our brain than their brain? Times, times. It's not even a time.
It's like, it's, I don't think it's that much larger. I would say one time.
One time larger. No time.
So it's the same size. Do you think I'm talking about time as in a class? No, no, no.
I'm saying- I'm confused. You're confusing me with a very easy question.
Because I've been to the fucking zoo, and I've seen their heads. I've seen some Koreans with that style of head.
And so I'm like, oh, that's a Korean head. Okay.
The answer's three. Three times! Our brain is three times larger than their brains.
That means we're three times smarter? No. It just means we've got more mush.
We have more goop and mush up there. That goop's gotta do something.
Isn't it true that we only use a certain percentage of our brains too? Like 16% or something?

Almost nothing.

Yeah, it's less than a quarter of our brain.

Yeah, I want to be able to connect it all, man.

You can, dude.

Take DMT.

It connects the brain?

Get to the next level, dog.

10% of our brain is, it's a myth.

Sybil activity required most of the brain to be active, right?

Well, this is a two-way street.

Most of the brain is required to be active,

but it's saying we typically only use certain portions of our brain street most of the brain is required to be active but but it's saying we we we typically

only use certain portions of our brain the majority of the time so you need a lot of your brain to still fire something like you know when you uh you know when you remember somebody's name that you forgot for a long time oh yeah that's a little what do you say huh like when you're in that situation what do you say that? That's what he says. Huh? Oh, you go, huh?

Hey, Andrew! Huh?

That's what you do?

Well, let me see. If you're a guy, I don't remember your name.

Yeah, but you know I'm important.

And I recognize your face. Alright, go ahead.

I'm at a party. Yeah.

This DJ is amazing.

What song is this?

Hey, yo! What's up? Alfred, what's up? Good party What the fuck? Fucking Andrew Santino, what's up, dude? What's up, dude? Andrew, what's up? How are you? Yeah, you don't call me, man I know, dude, I've been so busy Are you alright? How you doing? Good, when's the last time I saw you? Oh, my God. Forever ago.
It feels like. A month ago.
No. Was it longer than that? No, we shot Dave a month ago.
I know, but it just feels like it was way longer. Very good.
Yeah. I like it.
I'm so good at this watch. Yeah, I'm not good at it.
I've done this my whole career. All right.
So keep going. I don't know who those guys are in the booth.
Yeah. No, No, but go ahead.
All right. Well, this is my friend Felicia.
You know Felicia? Remember who you met? Oh, wait, have we met? We have met. Andrew, yeah.
Oh, I just said her name. Fuck, that's my dad.
It's Felicia. No, I know.
It's so good to see you. You remembered? Yeah, of course.
What do you mean? Yeah, of course. That's great.
What's my name again? What's my name? Andrew, Andrew, can I be honest with you, dude? I'm at this party. And I'm at this party and I'm you know I saw you and you know we've had this little interaction you called me dude the first time right you didn't remember that we shot a month ago I'm beginning to feel like you don't know my name so what's my name I just told you we did shoot a month ago I do remember and I gotta be honest with you I'm a little offended and I don't I don't wanna be here for this kind of that's fine to just i apologize the idea that i don't know your name how about this dude i know exactly who you are why would you do this to me what's my name then this is insane dude you don't know my name you need help you don't know my name you need help you don't know my name of course i know your fucking name what is it you know what bud what this isn't the way to treat people.
Okay. It's Tony.
Okay. Is it really Tony? Yeah.
It's me, Tony. Are you sure? Yes.
I feel like your name's not Tony. It's Tony.
Tony. Asian guy named Anthony.
Tony Chong.

Tony Chong!

Yeah. Yes.

Nope. My name is John.

Oh wow. See?

Is her name Felicia? No. What is her name?

Toko. That's Toko.

Toko. How'd you forget?

Because you people are unimportant. Alright.

Well I gotta go. Bye.

Get out of my house. This is my party.

What is it? Tony this is your party? Get the fuck out. I wish the other Santino was here.
But they would never do that socially. They wouldn't take it to that level.
No, that's crazy. You just walk away at some point.
This is really funny. I have a friend whose friend, I thought his name was Gabe, but his name was Brian.
Yeah. But for the first five times I met him, I was like, are you sure your name isn't Gabe? And he first like five times I met him I was like are you sure your name isn't Gabe and he was like it's Brian I was like but I know it's Gabe yeah because he looks like a Gabe oh I know that yes and so now even when he texts me years later he saved in my phone as Gabe I call him Gabe yeah and he loves it it's a joke now but it's a term of Endearment.
Yeah, it's fun. But sometimes I forget his real name.
I call him Gabe. Yeah, yeah.
And he loves it. It's a joke now.
But it's a term of endearment.

Yeah, it's fun.

But sometimes I forget

his real name.

I did that to Ryan Sickler.

What do you call him?

Two weeks ago

and he caught me

and I fucked up

and I feel so ashamed.

I haven't seen him since then.

I want to apologize.

What did you call him?

I go, what's up?

Stout.

Stout.

Ryan Stout?

Yes.

Right, you thought

Ryan Stout, yeah.

Another comedian.

And he would ignore me and I go, Stout, what the fuck, bro?ler in my mind right and I go he goes dude I don't respond to Stout what does that even mean and in my mind I thought literally still at that point his name was Stout he gave you an out by the way you could have been like I'm trying out new nicknames. It didn't work.
I'm sorry. No, I mean, I doubled down.
Yeah, you did. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.
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This episode is sponsored by better help better help is so great

bob and i've used therapy for a long long time and i gotta tell you something i'm a big proponent

of getting help mental health help is huge and you might think you're on the right track and you

don't need to talk to anybody but i gotta tell you it builds up and it comes out in bad ways

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H-E-L-P dot com slash badfriends. These things happen.
Yeah. This has got to happen to you.
I went a whole year. I think it was like third grade and I missed one of the days like when we got this teacher.
So I never knew my teacher's name and I i was too embarrassed to ask so could you ask your friends i didn't have any friends i was just gonna say there's no way she had it was like you know we moved a lot oh juice so i just go uh teacher but they are teacher yeah for what it's worth they are teacher is there any way you can like ask like another teacher or a principal or somebody it's too late now it's too late long time and you were for a year you called her teacher yeah that's insane but to be fair she was teacher that's true like if she was a podcast host yeah i'd be like well yeah like if i was in the military i called the guy captain if he was a captain yeah oh if you can't do that with their like you have to be. You have to be a certain rank.
You have to be a captain. Oh, shit.
General, captain. So if I call an admiral captain, that's bad? Yeah, you don't want to do that.
They'll fuck you up. Who will? The admiral will? Oh, a captain or the admiral.
Either one of those guys are going to beat the shit out of you. Probably both of them.
What? Okay. Officer ranks, second lieutenant, first lieutenant, captain, major, lieutenant colonel, colonel, brigader, general, major general.
Brigadier. Is it brigadier? I think I'm a brigadier.
You know what they should think? You guys are. I don't like the way that they did that.
First of all. Major general should be after major and brigadier general should be the top thing.
It's brigadier, huh? Fuck, I fucked that up. What'd you say? I think major general sounds bad.
General is whack because something that's general is basic. Oh, that's right.
And that's like majorly basic. Yeah, you're major basic.
That's true. I think the top dog should be the colonel because colonel sounds dope.
Everybody loves the colonel. Yeah.
KFC? KFC. Well, everybody loves the colonel.
Where's commander? He's in chief. He's somewhere else.
There's no commander up there? No. Well, there wasn't a first officer either.
Zoom in on that one. This is how little we know about the fucking military.
I don't know anything about the military. But thanks for doing it, guys, military people out there.
We really respect you and appreciate you because I can't do it. I really couldn't.
Zoom in on any of those tits. I call Carlos tits now.
Oh, that's nice. Because he's like a cute little pair of tits.
All right tits all right let's see the ranks baby what do we got scroll down just in the list so we don't have to look at it like that all right private private private first class specialist that's when you really moved up in privates what is a specialist like someone that specializes in something i think he's a little special private oh yes on the spectrum he the spectrum. He's on the spectrum private.
Oh, I see.

Then it goes Corporal Sergeant, Staff Sergeant.

Maybe he can count all the enemies.

Yeah.

One, two, three.

Very good.

Special private.

How many is there behind the fucking bush?

Three.

He loses count.

Corporal Sergeant, Staff Sergeant, has a staff infection.

Sergeant First Class, will not fly coach.

First Sergeant, Master Sergeant, sounds racist. Command Sergeant class, will not fly coach.
First sergeant. Master sergeant, sounds racist.
Command sergeant major, sounds fake. Sergeant major, sergeant major of the army? What? Wow.
Then a bunch of warrant officers just get numbers. Warrant officer wants to do a five.
I don't want the commissioner officers. Let's move on from that.
Second and first lieutenant, captain major, lieutenant colonel, colonel, brigadier general, major general, lieutenant general, army chief of staff general. Army chief of staff general.
That's too many words for the guy who's supposed to be the number one. I thought that was the least.
Wait, what? No. Wait, is that the top? I'm a private specialist.
No, you're right. This is the top.
Army chief of staff is number one. You're top dick.
Can Major General talk shit about Army chief of staff in front of his face? Not in front of his fucking face. But behind his back, can you do it? Of course.
You tell Lieutenant Colonel and Captain. Oh, I see.
You know who's going to have the hardest laugh is second lieutenant. He's going to be cracking the fuck up.
So if I was Lieutenant General, right, you'd be ahead of me maybe? Oh, yeah. All right.
So you can be Lieutenant General then, I guess. No, no, no, no.
You would be Colonel. A special friend.
I'm Colonel, right? She's Lieutenant Colonel? She's Second Lieutenant. Okay.
I'm Second Lieutenant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. And what are you then in this situation? Lieutenant General.
Okay. So I can come up to you and go, Lieutenant General, what's up, Santino? I'll go, how are you, sir? God, man.
I'll go, wait, where are you again? You said I was Colonel. Oh, yeah.
I'll go, yes, Colonel, what's happening? Oh, you're gonna be that formal? Because I'm about to talk shit about fucking Army Chief of Staff. If you came up to me like that, I wouldn't say shit.
Colonel, Colonel, Colonel. What? Calm down.
Oh, sorry, man. This is a free shit talk room.
That's right. We're by the watering can.
By the water. He needs to salute you, though, even if you're by the watering can, and then you have to tell him that he's...
No, that's not a thumbs up. How funny if the army saluted that way? That would be so nice.
If they were like, Colonel! Oh, they do this, right? Yeah. Can you do both? Yeah, of course.
I've never seen that. That's what the Koreans do.
That's a lot of respect. Is that a lot of respect? That's too much respect.
I would do that for you. You got to pick a hand.
I go, hey, Lieutenant General Santino, what's up? What's up, player? Oh, shit, you're in a good mood. Can I tell you about Army Chief of Staff, bro? What the fuck did he do? He stinks.
He stinks. Like fucking garbage, man.
I hate. Yeah.
Should we kill him? Like during Desert Storm? Should we kill him? Oh, shit. Yeah.
You're under arrest, Colonel. Oh, shit, and I'm in trouble.
I was just kidding, though. Fly in, fly in.
Second lieutenant, take care of this. That's what you would do? Yeah.
Oh, that sucks, man. Entrapment, dude.
That's entrapment. I can't have you hurting my own crew.
And I see what you do, Colonel. Is this entrapment? Let me ask you something.
Wait, what I just, that was not entrapment. What was that then? That was some bitch shit.
Oh, you did bitch shit? That's what they call bitch shit. All right.
But would I still get arrested? Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they'd fuck me up, too.

Wait, I would get arrested for calling Army Chief of Staff smelly?

No.

They were saying he should be killed.

Killed, yeah.

You said you wanted to.

But you were the one that brought it up.

I just gave you the bait.

You ate it.

I said, should we kill him?

Yeah.

And I go, yeah, as a joke.

I think I can fight my way out of it.

Your Honor, I don't think Colonel was joking whatsoever.

There's no jokes in Army. Okay.
There's no jokes in the Army.

Okay.

There's no jokes in the Army.

There is no jokes in the Army.

What's entrapment?

You were just going to ask me.

What do you think is entrapment?

Did you feel like you got entrapment?

No, no, no.

What I'm asking you, like, for instance, if I'm with a, not that I would do it, but if

I'm with, like, you know.

Oh, boy, this sounds like entrapment. No, if I'm with like, you know...
Oh boy, this sounds like entrapment.

No, if I'm with, you know...

If I'm with, you know, the lady of the night.

A hooker?

That's what I said.

Juice.

No, no.

Juice, why do you sound like a TV character?

A hooker?

Are you talking about a hooker?

It's like, keep it down, Mary Lou. Like we're Mayberry or something.
Yeah, a hooker? Hypothetically. No, but if you say to a lady of the night, you go, hey, are you a cop? And they said no.
They don't have to tell you. Is that a myth? That's a myth.
They don't have to tell you if they're a cop. The idea that people are like, you have to tell me if you're a cop.
No, they don't that rule that's a weird fake law that's true by the way it's important to understand military crimes that you can be charged one such crime is pandering under article 134 of the union uniform code of military justice the UCMJ of course pandering by including inciting or procuring an act of prostitution is a crime so if you're in my army colonel done for, pal. Right.
134. You know what I thought pandering was? What? For gold.
Oh, pandering. No.
For a split second, I'm like, oh, that's illegal. We came all the way out west to pander for gold.
Yeah. Come on, gold.
Is that pandering, though? Or not? Panning. That's panning.
How bad would you and I be at panning for gold? I'm serious. Oh, I'd be patient.
No. The only thing that I would be at bad is distinguishing.
If it's gold or not? Yeah. But I could do this all day.
Yeah, you do. I could be out there for 16 hours.
There you are there. There you are there.
Yeah, I could do that all day. If that's my job.
You could pan for gold. pan for gold yeah because in my head i'm like there's a means to an end of this maybe you're there's no guarantee imagine because back in the day when they did this imagine the dopamine hit if you got like a nugget it'd be amazing i mean look i got a nugget like you're just you know you out break look at all the nuggets i got but here's the problem yeah This incited so much violence.
This was the problem of the gold rush. The amount of violence and war that broke out because the amount of people that were killed in the middle of the night because they know that you found gold.
I don't got a nugget. Right.
That's right. You already yelled it out.
I don't got nothing. I've been here for three days.
Nothing. There's a great movie called The Ballad of Buster Scruggs.
Do you remember this? Oh, yeah. And there was a bunch of vignettes,

and one of them was short films inside of the movie

was about a guy who found gold,

and then the guy that saw that he found it was like,

oh, it's fucking so dirty.

Because immediately, dude, you've been out there.

Look, there you are right there.

That's Bob.

Yeah.

You're panning for...

Look, look, look.

Don't say that to me.

That's definitely you. You're panning for what? 10, 12 days.
She're panning for Look look look Don't say that to me That's definitely you You're panning for what 10 12 days She's panning for rice Is that right She's obviously panning for rice Or something Crispy rice or regular They're panning for gold These people I don't know Carlos is fucking Googling Yeah Asian panning for gold Wow She's typed in Asian But look at the way she's dressed She probably hasn't found anything She probably what Hasn? Hasn't found anything in her whole life. Well, if she has, she...
Or maybe she's just saving. See, this is the problem with you.
Oh, shit. The moment you found some gold, you'd put on a Gucci shirt and be panning.
That's right. With my Golden Goose fucking shoes.
Yeah, Golden Goose shoes, panic girl. No, she knows.
Don't let them know that you got the money. So then when you find the little...
I don't know how it works, but I'm sorry, I'm asking questions. No, please.
All right. Like how you know.
My dad was, yeah, that's what he did. How do you think we ended up out here? But if I found like, are they nuggets you find? Like I found a bunch of nuggets.
A gold nugget. Most of the time they find flakes.
In this day and age, they find a lot of gold flakes. So I got a bunch of flakes.
And then you melt, smelt it down into liquid gold. Like like that right there.
That's exactly what most people find these days.

But can you find nuggets?

Yeah, of course you can.

Look, there's one in the corner.

But like the weight of nuggets that are found now isn't as prominent as it was in the fucking

Gold Rush days.

Let me ask you something.

Yeah.

Why do I know this?

No, I have another because I watch the show Gold Rush.

It's great.

I have another question, please.

One of my favorite disaster movies. it's called the core just hear me out okay and in the movie the core the center of the earth starts stop spinning right so what they do is they develop a spacecraft like an earth craft to go into the middle of the earth and they they let, anyway, when they're going down, they run into all these diamonds.
Right. And when I was watching that in the movie theater, I'm like, that's what I want to do is get diamonds.
If I could just get that fucking craft, because in the movie, there was so much fucking dime. It was like caverns of diamonds.
Yeah. Like just coming down from the, you know what I mean? So let me ask you something.
If I dug deep enough, would I be able to find- China? No. Oh, what? Caverns of diamonds.
No. Why? Do you think there is a layer of Earth that is just diamonds?

Yes.

Okay.

How do you know there's not?

How do you know there's not yet?

Thank you, Juice.

You know what?

Yeah, yeah.

I want both of you guys to start digging.

No, because there's no way.

Right here? I want both of you guys to start digging.

Because you have to go through the mantle.

Scientists have discovered a full layer of diamonds in Earth's core.

There we go.

There you go. If we can make it there, hear me out i'm listening right that's a lot of diamonds i how deep is it let me figure it out so that website was in spanish i don't yeah well fancy's right there it's like it didn't seem like how much diamond that is dude can you imagine imagine if we discovered that much time how much diamond.
How could we lug it out? How heavy would that be? You don't need to take on it all. Whatever your pocket.
Oh, I'll have a fucking Pentagonia backpack or something. I would like to look at that.
The core is found at about 2,900 kilometers. That's 1,800 miles below Earth's surface and has a radius.
How far below are Earth diamonds? There we go. Well, these are just natural diamonds.
That's naturally occurring diamonds. Not the diamond place.
Right. There is no diamond place.
It's not real, you guys. Yes, there is.
There's a diamond place. All right.
I believe there is. Yeah.
But I mean, they're in our earth, right? A quadrillion tons of diamonds lurk deep in the earth, but they're spread out over the entire- No, dude. That's what we do, dog.
Well, trying to convince you dude dude in our earth there's just plenty of diamonds but we have to spend so much we don't have to be doing this acting podcast and shit no more dude oh then we're the diamond brothers are we are we the diamond bro we're the diamond brothers dude this that's the mario brothers spinoff is the diamond bro yeah and what we yep, yep, yep. We just dig for diamonds all day.
We can't sell all of it because the thing is that demand, right? So we just sell enough, right? We corner the market in diamonds. How much money do you need to sell? How much money do you want to make on diamonds to be good? A billion.
Okay, once we hit a billion, you're okay? Yeah, we're done. Okay, so a couple hundred million, not going do it.
You know what we do? Yeah. Once we make a billion dollars in cash, right, then we just give all the diamonds away so that it loses its value in diamonds.
Yeah, split them amongst the door guys. Oh, first.
Yeah. Okay.
Wait a minute, that's so funny. I like how Bobby wants to run like a crypto scam where he's like, once we've made our money, we dump the whole fucking thing.
Nobody makes money.

It's basically what crypto does.

Once we make our cash, we fuck it.

That's what I want to do.

Okay, that's fine.

Who's going to give us money for the diamonds?

That's the problem.

Who has the capital?

Who are we selling them to?

I don't know.

Careful.

What?

Careful.

Okay. I was not thinking that.
the teeth they love it you think rappers are gonna buy all of our diamonds don't they lodge them in their teeth they love it imagine if they had the first front tooth just full of diamonds you can make a tooth out of diamonds I think you should have a mouth filled with actual diamonds I think your teeth should should be replaced with diamonds. Because diamonds, some of the hardest thing on earth, right? Look at that.
Bobby, you look so cool with a grill like that. Let's get you one of those, Bob.
But is that real diamonds? Yeah. Yeah.
It's got to be, right? Yeah, but it doesn't. No, you know what? I want to make it out of that fake steel so that everything turns green in my mouth.
Why? Like chains from high school? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amber Rose's boyfriend, Alexandra Edwards, shows off permanent diamond grill.
So it's permanently put inside of his mouth. That's what I'm saying.
That's what you want? Yeah. Or that's our audience whom we're selling it to? Yeah.
Okay. And once we make a billion, we give it all away.
Well, then what are we going to do with a billion dollars? Oh, shit. What would you do with a billion? You're on the level of Elon Musk.
Right. Let's say you sell something.
What would you do with a billion dollars? Oh, got a lot, man. I would buy a Pottery Barn.
Oh, you know, also Pure One Imparts. They don't do that.
Stop, stop, stop, stop. The first thing you said was buy Pottery Barn? The chain.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? I like it.
Okay. You can't afford it.
It's over $3 billion. Fuck, well, with me, with my billion dollars.
Wait, Pottery Barn? The chain. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why? I like it. Okay.
If you can't afford it, it's over $3 billion. Fuck, well, with me, with my billion.
Wait, wait, Pottery Barn's $3 billion? Yeah. Alright, fuck, I didn't do that much.
$2.5 billion. Yeah, it's an international company.
How about this? How can I buy Pier 1 Imports? How much is Pier 1 Imports? Goodbye. I mean, I don't know if we can afford Pier 1 either.

I need Pier 1 Imports.

Pier 1, a net worth of $512 million, I just said.

I could buy it with half my money.

All right, 500.

So you can buy Pier 1.

Yeah.

Can I buy West End?

How much is West End?

I really like that. Buy West End, dude.

Because I want restoration hardware, but I know I can't afford it.

You can't afford that, no.

It's too fancy.

Yeah.

I can buy West.

You buy Pier 1.

I'll buy West End.

Yeah.

And then, Juice, what company do you want to buy? I just want a studio apartment, man. Oh, yeah? How about this? Can you imagine getting a billion dollars and she's like, I just want a studio with this billion.
You might do that. And by that time, I still can't afford it in LA.
Yeah, by then you won't. But free furniture because I'll hook you up from Pier 1.

Oh, you would?

And West End.

And West End.

All right.

Maybe I'll get a one-bedroom.

I will say I currently live with five dudes

and it's been like

over two years.

Because you are moving out

in your own,

in your solo spot, right?

Yeah, I mean, I am,

but there's no like...

No timeline. I mean, you live with five guys for how long? It's been like over two years.
Yeah, one of them has a workout. A gym.
A gym outside your window. He invites more comics over to work out today.
It's kind of cool. She can hear them early in the morning do repetitions.
Come out one more, buddy! Get up, get out, and get lifting, dog. I think that's what he thinks he's doing for me.
It's a nightmare. It's motivating you? Yeah.
That's the one thing I love about, you know, finally living in a house is you don't hear like this. Yeah, rub it in.
Yeah. That's the one thing I like about blood juice.
Listen up, Juice. No, but you know it's the the garbage man what what the

garbage man what because i've lived in the city for so long in an apartment i always was awakened to either construction or the garbage man yeah i hated it hate it but now what do you hear nothing no you hear something what still happens leaf blowers in every part of this city oh yeah yeah but mine comes at two i told him to come at two oh see my neighbors it's just fucking it's constantly yeah it's constant i hear this is that your neighbor that's an owl that's an owl hey let's Let's Dude if my neighbor stood outside my window and went I would call somebody Hey Mike He's a little sick But we love him What do you say? We should trade places for a week Oh yeah like Jerry and Kramer did on Seinfeld You guys should swap places And I live with the five guys? Yes. Actually, dude, that's so fun.

It would be awesome.

You could join the gym.

But then I have to sleep on the bed with your boyfriend.

Yeah.

But it's a California king.

Oh, it's a California king.

Cal king, baby.

He's six foot eight, this fucking guy.

How tall is he?

Yeah, six foot two.

Yeah.

He's a huge guy.

That's not that big.

And California king is wide, so you're not anywhere near him.

I have a California king. Okay, so you know.
you know yeah i do you should rush it a bit i mean rough it a bit get in with like the people the working people i think you should let her live at your house and you live at her house i think it's a great idea i would do for reality show well fancy welcome to the podcast yeah battle one of the most exciting things about a new year is that You have no idea what adventures are in store for you, Andrew. From new travel experiences to new jobs or picking up new skills, there's no way to prepare for 2023 than by learning a new language with Babbel.
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Code badfriends. Speaking of sleeping arrangements, let's talk about it real fast.
I got the update from the bus that's available for the Bad Friends tour.

We have a bus.

Oh my God.

But it's not as cheap.

It's very expensive to get a bus.

But here's the problem.

It sleeps six to eight in the vertical bunks.

But then there's a bed in the back.

I know.

I've already thought this scenario. Well, let's talk about it.

I already thought this scenario out.

I already thought about it too. Lizal, I'm gonna hear what you think and I'll tell you what I think And I'm going to be the better man In this situation Better man? You're going to demand the Yes you are You can't assume This is so ridiculous what you're doing dude I know I've already played it out In my fucking head dude You're going to be like I it out.
You're going to be like, I'm the bigger guy. You know what I mean? Sometimes you say I'm a bigger comic, bigger name.
I've never said that. I've never said that to you.
I've never said that to you. It's a fucking lie.
Fancy, have my back. I've never said that kind of shit to him.
Thank you. I've never said that.
When have I ever said that to you? In a joking way, but you have. Okay, so we're joking.
I know. I've already played this out of my head and i have too okay so when i did canada with tom segura he had a bus uh-huh right and i slept in the side bunks yeah loved it i slept like a baby all right all right and while i was laying there i did a meditation okay in canada okay and i played it out andrew's gonna go demand the back and just annoying because you know, you're more demanding than me.
You're so much more demanding than me. I'm not.
Guys, guys, don't back me up. Let me finish it.
You fucking know he's more demanding than me. I'm not.
I'm not. Carlos, thank you.
You're acting crazy, dude. Fuck you.
You're way more demanding than me. You know you are.
You're using slurs. What slur did I say? Fuck you.
That's not a slur. It is.
No, I just said fuck you. That's a slur.
Fucking. That's a slur.
What I I just said fuck you that's a slur fucking

that's a slur

what I'm saying is

you're asking me to talk

and you're asking me to share my point

you're not allowed to tell me

what you think I'm gonna do

I'm just telling you

what in my

what I meditated on

in the back of the thing

slander

slander your honor

you're the honor

you could defend yourself

alright

but let me finish my

with my point of view

okay so what do you want to have happen

I'm not done with my meditations

bro

no

okay

so I laid there

you're gonna demand it

Thank you. You're the honor.
You can defend yourself, all right? But let me finish with my point of view. Okay, so what do you want to have happen? I'm not done with my meditations, bro.
No. Okay, so I laid there.
You're going to demand it. All right, and you're going to go.
Hearsay. You go, I'm...
Basically, you say, you know, I draw more, da-da-da, yada-yada, yada-yada. I never would say that.
I'm in a bigger TV show, yada-yada, yada-yada. You know what I mean? I'm white, probably in your mind.
Well, that part, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I I am white I'm white right and then I'm my ego is gonna get in the way and I'm gonna argue those points and then we'll have a heated thing when we have to do business and in my head I'm gonna be the better man just listen to me and I'm gonna go you know what Andrew I was gonna say you're such a fucking this is gaslighting it's not gaslighting guess Carlos this is actually what gaslighting is I don't every day you fucking give me the definition of gaslighting and i don't want to fucking see it i already know what it means manipulative someone using psychological methods in into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning you're fucking manipulating the conversation past no you're manipulating experiences with you we've never had this before order order thank you i'm just using past experiences so anyway my meditation fucking liar right you're gonna demand and i'm I'm going to go, you know, you. I'm just using past experiences.
Anyway, my meditation. Fucking liar.

You're going to demand it and I'm going to go.

So what I planned was this.

And you should have waited for me to do this.

You know what I mean?

The first day we were in the bus,

I was going to look at you, pat yourself on the back and go, you know what? You're the bigger comic.

You're the better comic.

You're such an asshole. You draw more.

You're an asshole. I'm not done.

And you know what, dude? You deserve the fucking main room in the back. And I'm happy with the side, with the other, you know what I mean? And can I tell you something? Are you done finally? No.
Because this is my speech that I created. And I go, you know, all these years, it's been a wonderful experience.
Tour's canceled. We're not going to do it.
Nobody gets to bed. I came up with a good solution what is it i really did truth be told what is it and you know by the way for the record for all the fans that fucking play into this game none of that stuff is true i've never said that i've never said any of that stuff that's not fucking true that's fucking bullshit and b you guys never back me up look and these are these based on my experience also this matt lock let him talk based on my experience flying to the Philippines with him he you know we all flew in first class except for him he went to the back of the plane so I can back him up on this thank you I gave you my first class another level of not true thank you Bobby I already made up my mind we're doing the short I don't even have to read the script.
Let's plan the fucking date.

He can't read.

He doesn't read fucking scripts.

I already made it in my mind,

and I thought this could be a fancy beat.

Go fuck yourself, by the way.

And you know what?

Also, you're not coming to dinner,

and I mean it.

You're not.

You know what?

Also, no, you are coming to dinner,

and you know what?

I'm not going to let you fucking eat.

How about that?

Carlos, you get two meals.

Thank you.

I already decided what we're doing. I have something to do.
I'll beef with Carlos in a second. Oh, no.
No, I'll back him up. Fancy fucking piece of shit.
But I already decided here's the best way that I think is going to be fun. Go ahead.
It's a rotation. No.
Well, yeah, that's what I decided. Yeah, you see what you're doing? Everybody gets a fair shot at sleeping in one of the...
Everyone gets a fair shot. This is my decision.
It is. And this is the way we're going to do it.
No, we have to talk about it. No, it's a rotation.
Everybody that's on that bus gets a chance to sleep in that bed. It's the most fair thing in the world.
I'm not going to sleep on that bed after this fucking animal over here sleeps on it. Animal? Because you told me you're going to go on fucking Raya and bang.
Oh, God. You're not supposed to say that on the show.
Every city you're going to bang. There's going to be attempts, sure.
I don't want his juices on the bed. Forget it.
This is what I want. He doesn't get the...
There is a... First of all, time out.
There is a bang bunk on the bus that you can occupy. Thank you.
It will just be for Carlos banging. Wait.
How close are these bunks? No, no, no. We'll be off the bus while he's banging.
No banging while there's on the bus. This will be when we're on stage.
There's two rules. No banging on the bus when other people are on it.
You only bang in the bang bus bunk. Okay.
And you don't poop on the bus. Nobody poops on the bus.
Nobody. Absolutely.
Unless it's an emergency. It doesn't.
No. We pull over, you poop on the side of the road.
You're not pooping on the bus. I pooped on the bus At Tom Segura And he was fine with that He was pissed He called me And was like Your little fucking He was your little fucking Korean friend Pooped on my bus He was livid Anyway Okay No We're rotating No we're not rotating End of discussion See Everyone listening right now Did you just hear what he said End of discussion It's my way or the highway That's right Literally His way is the highway Okay you do the How about this You do the rotation I'm just gonna keep I'm gonna sleep on one bunk Bunk number five I'm gonna put all my stuff in there That's your bunk And I'm gonna stay there For the rest of the tour You know what What Good compromise Okay Good compromise Alright And you do the king room No and I'll rotate with these people I'm also going to claim my bunks thank you so much claim your bunks I mean if there's rotating going on I'm rotating the guy's going to rotate let me tell you what he did time out time out two ways I agree with you no rotating Thank you Hey give it to him now Here we go Alright I owed him $400 I know Right I know He comes from money Don't do that Let's rewind Don't do that I'll take that out You owe him $400 I owe him $400 It had been a couple of days Right And then he texts me His Venmo thing And hey man Yeah Like two days later it's like i'm gonna get you no we work together we're friends i'll get you when i get you okay a time out let's carlos i could read it right now you want to read it how many days how many days after he said he was going to pay you the money did he pay them or we never designated a time we we didn't designate a time that's right it was that it was when I remembered that I texted Bobby.
I didn't want to forget. Yeah, that's him because he's a fucking pothead.
He doesn't want to forget that you owe him money. He would exactly remember.
Dude, these fucking stoners, they're so fucking dumb that he has no idea what's going on. This fucking pot guy, he's a pot guy.
I walked in. I did your Venmo.
Yeah, you did it. Immediately, right? Yeah, there were some things said in between.
There was some things said? All right, so I'm going to look up your fucking thing right now, dude, okay? It was just, yeah. I mean, you didn't call me any words via text.
So he goes, hey, the money you owe me. That's not what he wrote.
No, read what you wrote. There literally is nothing said.
He did it. I paid you.
End of story. how many days after the money that was owed from the thing that i think it was like four days four days is kind of a good window if you work together and see each other every day we don't see each other every day you don't see him every day bobby i was alarmed let me ask you something are we um flight attendants on different airlines no we're not exactly we work together Exactly.
We work together, right? So, during a month, how many times do I see you during a month? 10, 12 times. Exactly.
Eventually. You had to text me? It was just weird.
Anyway, let's move on. Oh, I know.
You got me all start. Well, I'm 50-50 on this.
I think you're both in the wrong. Okay, good.
I think you should have let it chill. You should have also...
I think I'm sounding like a baby today. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. All right, let me regroup.
Yeah, regroup. You know what I think...
I need to read the money. Do you know what I think you should do? Give him another 400 right now.
Thanks, Tom. You know what I think you should do? What? I think you should tell him you're going to give him 400, but not when.
Oh. Sexy, sexy.
Yeah, you know what? I'm going to give you another $400, but you'll see when you get it. No, make it more for fun.
You know what? You're going to give him $10,000. No.
Let's play this game. No, no, no, no.
Oh, for you? Yeah. Fancy? We're going to give you $20, but we're not going to tell you why.
No, no, no, no, no. By the way.
Yeah. Fancy.
I know, I know. I love it.
He's a little snappy little fucking cut, dude. I'll tell you why Fancy's doing's doing this, though.
He wants something out of me. I'll tell you what.
I know. I know.
He wants you to do this. He's trying to get on my good side, and that's what I like about him.
He's a weasel. He's a snake.
He's a snake in the fucking grass. Yeah, yeah.
He is. What do you want out of Bobby, you snake? I just want him to be professional.
What the fuck does that mean? What do you mean? What does that mean? Speak your mind, dude. It's New Year.
Go ahead and say it. It's 2023.
Yeah, let's change. We didn't do New Year's resolutions yet.
We will, but I want to hear this bullshit out of this guy. Okay.
What do you want? So Bobby got me involved in a project. Uh-huh.
That sounds good. Yeah.
Thank you. And then we did the project with some pulling teeth from me yeah and then the project is ready to be discussed and he left me hanging and when i text him about it he just blows me off uh-huh welcome to texting bobby right no and he told me the other day when a girl uh a friend of his was around here That he was a new man And he was gonna Really do it Throw me under the bus huh You could throw me Throw me right under the bus huh Wow No holds barred I like it Look fancy a bus is coming Okay Bobby Dude you're That's Alright Alright You wanna go that way See now you know why I get mad at this fucking guy You Bobby.
Dude, you're, that's, all right.

All right, you want to go that way.

See, now you know why I get mad at this fucking guy.

I'm on your side of this, dude.

He's a fucking snake.

Yeah, you're a fucking snake, dude.

You're a snakey little fuck.

Yeah.

Let's go to New Year's resolutions.

Jules, what are yours?

My name's not Jules.

Whoa.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

That's your New Year's resolution.

Just memorize people's names.

Well, this goes back to the thing from before. The dude thing, yeah, yeah, the guy.
Can I be honest? I had no idea her name. I think my- First but second? No, no, no.
I just- What is her fucking name? You gave it to me. No.
You know Juicy, but you don't know her real name. Her real name is Jessica.
Yeah. Okay.
Juicy? Her name's not Juicy. Is her name Juicy? Juicy, yeah.
No, no, she dropped it. She doesn't want Juicy.
Juice. What is it? I can't drop it.
Oh, okay. It's impossible.
I can't believe I called you that. That's so wild.
I'll post a flyer and say Jet Ski and all the comments are like, it's Juicy. Wait, wait.
When you fucked up, you claimed Alzheimer's? That was your defense mechanism? Yeah, my dad does that too. Yeah, yeah, that's crazy.
Where are we? Yeah, you did one of those. All right.
Who's that? Yeah. Larry David? What's your New Year's resolutions, Juice? Probably to be more memorable.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, to get my own play.
What's your real New Year's resolutions, Juice? To get a house. Wait, is that not how a resolution works? No, no, no, no Usually it's like I want to Change your behavior or something inside you Change something Oh, no, I think I'm done You're done what? I'm good You're done changing Yeah Okay So the New Year's goal is for you to get your own place That's my goal, yeah Well, let me tell you something Whatever you need to we'll help make it happen.
You guys already are. Yeah, but I mean, whatever you need, we'll help you, okay? Thank you.
Whatever you need, we'll do it. And if it comes at a cost of the show, like we have to pay these guys less, that's fine too.
That's fine with me as well. Yeah, that's fucking fine, right? If we have to duck their pay, don't you think that's fair? Deduct their pay to get her a place to live? I don't want to do that from the beginning.
What did you say? I don I didn't want to do that me too but we have to find a fucking way to do it that doesn't seem so on the nose I just need $1,500 to $2,000 a month got it extra I like $1,000 extra she said that's what a studio apartment is now in LA wow two grand a month two grand a month but isn't that crazy in LA that's what it is now what did you pay back in the? My first apartment in Los Angeles was $417 a month. Yeah, mine was like $500.
$417. But I shared it with four other men in one bathroom.
That's where I'm at right now. I was there, dude.
We did it. We fucking did that shit.
And then my second place was $850 because I had my own bathroom. Because it was me and two other guys and they shared a bathroom and I had my own bathroom and I was like, I'll pay as much as it takes to struggle just to get my own bathroom.
And then after that, my first one bedroom by myself was $11.95. I remember it.
How great was that? Bro, when I got my first one. That's why I want her to have that.
She deserves to have that fucking feeling. Most of next year, I'm not even going to be home.
I'm like, I have to call your own when you are home you need a place to like be you get away from the fucking bullshit you know what i mean like you need a place to call your own we're gonna make it happen when i got um right before mad tv i made a chunk of money on a commercial uh and i remember moving into my own studio apartment. It was exposed bricks, hard wooden floor.

Sexy.

I painted it.

There was this vintage furniture store by my house.

This guy Barry ran it.

He gave me some deals.

It was so dope.

So cool.

Oh, my God.

Having your own place.

It's the best.

It did change my life.

Being able to do it was a big fucking...

I remember one time coming home when I first moved in there, and I closed the door, and I was by myself, and I looked around, and I remember being like, I don't have to talk to anybody. Yeah.
It was incredible. I was like, for the first time, I lived in a place where I didn't have to talk to any humans.
That's my dream. I didn't have to say hi or do like a fucking,

I don't really want you guys to be smoking bongs right now.

I just kind of want to, I have to like do a thing.

And I was so stoked to just not.

Well, the place I moved out of was three floors up.

So my roommates were still up there.

Oh, shit.

Right?

And they would always want to come down.

No, you're not coming.

No, don't enter into my fucking place.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

That is kind of a problem though to be like, I'm still here. You're gone, but you're not no you don't enter into my fucking place right yeah yeah yeah that is kind of a problem though to be like i'm still here you're gone but you're still there i was still kind of still there okay what's your new year's resolution bob real or no whatever you want to do can i say what you're what i think yours should be i I think I know what it is.
Go ahead.

I want to spend some time alone.

I really... There's no joke.

Okay.

There's no joke.

I need to get to know myself better.

Are we talking like go on a trip alone?

No, just be alone.

In LA?

Yeah.

For how long?

Maybe a year.

What?

We have a huge tour coming up.

No, no, no. Not that.
In terms of like seeing people yeah he means he means romantically alone oh i was like we're sharing bunks on a bus yeah yeah yeah juice i'm gonna go leave me alone in the bus no i'm not gonna say that no i i think so okay yeah because One calendar year. You think you can go a year? Yeah.
Really? I do. Do you want to make a monetary bet? I already owe you a thousand from the masturbation.
Yes, you fucking do. No, I don't.
A year is a lot. How about, let's just do three months of just complete, what's the word I'm looking for? Celibacy.

Celibacy.

It's not just the celibacy.

It's like.

And I mean intimacy with others then.

How about that?

How about no dating, no nothing for three months?

That's fair, right?

Let's do it.

Yeah.

Let's see how it feels.

I just feel lost.

Well, let's talk about it.

Right now?

Well, that's what.

Yeah, I feel lost.

It's more real than, you know what I mean, comedy, but. This is fine too.
Okay. What's going on? You feel like you're not connecting with anybody.
It's not that. It's like, what's the whole reason behind.
In the beginning, it was exciting because, you know what I mean? Oh, I matched with somebody. You know what I mean? I'm going to go on a date, this and that.
Sometimes you would make out, whatever out whatever it might be but it's like it's all just like kind of surface and um it doesn't have to be it doesn't mean it yeah but it's like who do i don't even know what i'm looking for that's okay and that's what i think i need to figure out what exactly am i looking for what do i want in a partner yeah what you know what are my intentions here well that's nice you can slowly

but surely um figure that out i do think being alone and understanding who you are that's an important piece of this but also you're kind of sounding like what's the point of it all that's kind of it sounded like you almost said what's the point of it yeah um i mean i look at people's relationships and um I go, you know, like I've been watching Deep Space Nine. Deep Space Nine is your window into relationships? So Star Trek is the window that you use.
That's the barometer. Well, this is what I've been watching.
You know what I mean? Yeah. And like, you know, Jeremy Sisko, you know, the captain, he's the black guy with the bald head there.
What's so funny, Carlos? His wife was killed by the Borg. In the beginning of the show, you realize he has a son and his wife is killed by the Borg.
And he's... I just can't believe they killed his wife.
I don't know. Well, it was...
Remember when Jean-Luc Picard became a Borg He became Lucutus Do you remember that? He became Lucutus Who are you asking do you remember that? The nerds don't know They don't know this Why? Look at the Google We don't know this though You don't know any of these people. I know Spork.

That's not Spork.

That's not talk about.

Yeah, that's not talk about.

Are you telling me that the guy with the big ears isn't Spork?

Quark.

Well, he looks like a Spork.

His name is Quark.

Spork.

Well, that looks like a Spork to me.

Okay.

His name is not his Quark.

And the guy to his left is my dad.

Is that 100% not someone related to me? That's Colmini. It's Chief O'Brien.
O'Brien. Okay, so come on.
Potatoes. Call him potato.
And Quark is a Ferengi. Anyway, can I just...
And then the bottom left is Juicy. That's a descendant of Juicy.
Yeah. It's my grandma.
And who's top left? Go for it. Worf.
Worf? Yeah. That's his name is Worf? You don't know that? Buddy.
Yeah. Don't buddy me then.
For the umpteenth time. Yeah.
I've never seen Star Trek. Oh, you're missing out then.
No, I'm not. I'll tell you why.
No, I'm not. Can I tell you why you're not? Why you are? Okay, sure, go.
All right. You know Adam Egot? Nope.
You don't know Adam Egot? I do. All right.
So Adam Egot, I was just in Austin. I did the Tom Segura thing.
And me and Adam Egott went out for fucking barbecue. Yeah.
Right? And we're sitting there eating meat, as you do as men. Correct.
Right? Yeah. And he goes, what's your favorite Deep Space Nine episode? And we talked about it.
Right? And the reason why we talk about it and we talk about Star Trek is because years ago when he lived in LA, I go, do you know Star Trek Next Generation? And he goes, those are for nerds. I would never watch it.
I go, watch this one episode. He watched it.
He watches Next Gen and DS9, DS9 consecutively every episode. It's so good, right? You're just, you don't know because you're not willing to know, right? But if I told you to watch a certain episode of fucking Star Trek Next Generation, you would go, oh my God, this is a great show.
The writing. Have you seen The Last Dance, the documentary about Michael Jordan? Yeah.
Oh, you did? I loved it. You did? Yeah.
Okay. Why? No, I just didn't think you'd like that.
I watched, you know what else I love? Ken Burns' Vietnam War documentary series documentary series i watch good shit yeah and i'm telling you this is a good show i just don't like it you've never seen it the look of it makes me mad i know in the beginning it's a little weird i just don't care about these i don't i don't give a fuck about what fantasy it's not fantasy oh it's reality it's science fiction sci-fi fantasy i just it doesn't do that's the. Oh, it's reality? It's science fiction.

Sci-fi, fantasy.

It doesn't do... That's the space station.

Right, it looks dumb.

And there's a wormhole next to it.

You know why it looks dumb?

There is, there's a wormhole.

That's not what it's gonna look like.

That's why it bothers me.

It's fucking bullshit.

You're right.

It's never gonna look that way.

Yeah, there would be like

a McDonald's logo on it.

That's right.

There's a lot of things

about that show where I go,

well, how do these...

Sponsored by Bank of Americaica exactly um that's garic and a cardassian but he's a spy i just don't like the way he looks i don't want to watch he's a cardassian you know how you know how you know why do you know why people like brad pitt get so much work over the years beyond the fact that he's a good actor why because it's really nice to look at him on screen it's really nice to look at fucking George Clooney on screen yeah bring back Spork I don't want to look at this fucking guy for a half an hour at a fucking time that's the future that's not Spork that's fucking a Kardashian that's Garrett okay a Kardashian that Kardashian which Kardashian is that just Google Ferengi which Kardashian is that Google Ferengi is that Khloe Ferengi yeah Fer as hollywood gets more these are ferengis this is what it's gonna look like this is what yeah brad pitt's out so here's my point yeah the reason that you and i yeah and i'm putting us into this okay the reason that you and i only get a limited amount of work in television and film isn't because of our skill set we're very skilled you are a great actor yeah you're fucking phenomenal right but you don't look like people should be watching you all the time me too nobody wants to see our faces on tv for a super long amount of time we look like that that's what people see us in the midwest he just real life? Yeah. Well, don't do that to me.
God bless. I'm sorry.
That's a nice nog. Well, the makeup.
I'm just saying. Fuck.
Anyway, can I go back to my fucking relationship? Let me make my point. I don't want to look at weird, ugly alien creatures.
Look at that guy. Look at how fucking weird that looks.
No thanks. Look at how fucking weird.
What are they doing? They're a race of Frankie's.

Well, then I'm racist against Frankie's.

Their whole culture is based on commerce and business.

What's so funny?

That's what they are.

Wait, their race is based on what?

Commerce and business.

Like all the races have a certain ideology

and a language and a culture

and it brings, it's cool.

I don't like it. I just don't want to look at that at that well then you don't have to thank you all right here's my problem i this guy looks nice he died that's the one i rest in peace i'd like to see his beautiful smiling face on tv instead of when he's in makeup looking like a fucking go back to it click on when he's in makeup down right there i don't want to watch that i don't want to watch him with his weird fucking balls on his testicle head and his nuts can i just finish what i'm gonna say there's a principle about you know i mean that world that i love what is it there's several of them the prime directive is what's so funny the prime directive i mean look at this long-necked penis guy do they have to look so you know what this is do you know what Star Trek is to me this is why electric cars that's what this looks like no let me finish let me finish how come just cause it's an electric car does it have to look annoying why can't it just look like a a cool car? We have cool cars.
I get what you're saying. You have a cool looking car.
But if they made it electric, it would look fucking stupid. They put weird bullshit like this.
I like it. They make it for me.
Okay, but I don't want to do it. I want to see this too.
If you're in a different universe, right? I know, but you land on a planet, right? Yeah. And you know what I mean? It has the same kind of atmosphere conditions that Earth does.
And you get off your ship. What, you think the alien is going to look like Anthony Jeselnik walking up? No.
They're going to look like that. They're not going to look like that.
We made that up. They're going to look like something we've never seen or thought of before.
We can't imagine. It's called imagination.
Yeah, but I like my imagination. I don't like this, guys.
Whoever the fuck wrote that, the prime director prohibits Starfleet personnel and spacecraft from interfering in the normal development of any society and mandates that any Starfleet vessel or cruise member is expendable to prevent violation of this rule. And we can apply that to our life.
That's bullshit. We can.
We can apply it to our life. Crazy.
You're crazy. It's like America going into fucking, you know, Nigeria and opening and being capitalism and opening up these and think the way we think and believe what we believe we shouldn't do that we shouldn't do that we shouldn't do that and there are things in the show that I believe in that's all I'm saying I know I want to say something to you because you don't like to face reality so you want to live in a fantasy no I'm going to say one thing to you that's what it is I'm going to make you watch one I'll watch one with you okay but I'm going to make fun of it the whole fucking time I will film it he's going to eyes white shut you alright can you watch one i'll watch one with you okay i'm gonna but i'm gonna make fun of it the whole fucking time i will film it he's gonna eyes white shut you all right can you can you watch one and not make fun of it absolutely not well i'm not gonna watch it with you because you know what that's my bible this is your bible dude ask anyone kalilo or anybody in my life right all i do is all day watch is it available on youtube how do i see this fucking bullshit you to buy it on iTunes well that I'm definitely not I'll give you money give me money right now 20 40 60 you can buy three seasons okay right of of the set start with Star Trek next generation okay I haven't seen it either Bobby no you're already a convert you're already a convert those that money goes to juicy That's in a juicy pile So let me tell you something I just want you to watch The one episode that got Adam Egan hooked Then send it to me Tell me the one you want me to watch And I will fucking watch it Season 5 I i'm gonna tell you what it is season five yeah next next generation second to last episode the episode's called the inner light it's considered the greatest star trek episode ever written i'm so mad you don't need the context yeah do i not need any context not really i can just watch it yeah i'm gonna get pissed i know I'm going to be so pissed off when I watch this.
It's 45 minutes long. I know that's a long time for me to get pissed off.
It was a 22 minute episode. Is that penis looking guy? Is this what they look like? What do you mean? All right.
I mean, if you see that scene, that spot right there, that shot right there, bro, let me say something. Who is that? Jean-Luc Picard.

Patrick Stewart.

That's Patrick Stewart.

Right.

If you see that scene and you don't shed a tear,

you have no empathy and love.

I don't know what you're laughing at.

When they pan away from him playing that flute, dude,

every single time.

Dude.

Does he actually play the flute?

Yeah.

I don't want to.

This is going to piss me off so much.

All right.

Stop showing clips because I'm going to watch the fucking episode.

I'm about to cry now.

I love it.

I love it.

Anyway.

Is this the one that teach you

about relationship?

No, that's not the one I teach.

It's a different show.

The next show that they do

after the next generation is DS9.

Anyway.

What are you so angry about? Because I'm bummed that I got to watch this then don't watch it no i have to for the sake of the show i have to do it yeah and you're gonna make fun of it and you're gonna make fun of the thing that i love the most yeah yeah that's a part of our relationship no i understand that but i don't attack things like yes you do let me you make fun of me in golf all the time. Let me say something.
What?

If you had a baby.

Yeah.

And you want one, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

And it's like my baby.

I would never make fun of your baby.

Star Trek is your baby.

I love it.

That much.

You didn't make it.

It feels like it was made for me, though.

So it's adopted.

Yeah.

You feel like it was made for you.

So you adopted a baby.

It makes me feel...

You're telling me I can't make fun of your adopted baby?

It makes me feel...

It's like my religion.

It makes me feel a part of the world.

It makes me want to live.

I'm being real.

This gives you life.

I'm being real, yeah.

I love it that much.

And I was trying to get Adam Egan and I to do DS9,

We're just want to live. I'm being real.
This gives you life. I'm being real, yeah.
I love it that much. And I was trying to get Adam Egan and I to do DS9.
We're trying to figure out what DS9 tattoos are. Stop calling it that.
What tattoos? Is that what it's called, DS9? We're going to get tattoos. Right on our next DS9 tattoos.
What does that mean, DS9? Deep face. Deep face.
Oh, I like it less. That's why I said DS9.
God damn it.

I know.

All right, well, look. I have my assignment.

Let's call Adam Miegett.

Thank you.

I love you, Max.

Did you get something, Max?

No.

Hey, buddy.

Adam.

Yo.

You're on Bad Friends for a second.

Oh, fuck.

I know.

Listen.

You know, I brought up Deep Space Nine to Andrew, and he starts making fun of me, calling me nerd and all this stuff, and, like, you know, it's stupid. Can you just tell him that it's good? It's fucking ridiculous.
Dude, you're a fucking nerd. You watch that shit? No.
You son of a bitch. How embarrassing.
I love you, Adam. Oh, my God.
You son of a bitch I love you Adam

you son of a

I can't believe you would admit that

on a live podcast

love you Adam

love you too Andrew

see you soon

see you soon dude

I'll see you in a couple weeks

alright

thank you for being a bad friend

that was such a good way to end