Bobby Uncorked ft. Stavros Halkias

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Speaker 2 Hey, what up, bad friends? I am am here in New York City, baby, the big schmapple.

Speaker 2 I'm running around promoting my new special. My new special, cheeseburger, drops tomorrow.
Tomorrow on Netflix, it is out. Please watch it.
Tell a friend. Tell everyone you know.

Speaker 2 Sit back, relax, and enjoy a cheeseburger with me on Tuesday night on Netflix, tomorrow. Please watch it, January 10th.
Share it with everybody you know. Cheeseburger on Netflix.

Speaker 2 Also, bad friends just added a date. Go to badfriendspod.com.
We're doing the Nashville Comedy Festival to start off our tour.

Speaker 2 It's the only date that we put up so far outside of the three that we're doing in February. So go to bad friendspod.com to see us.
Come see us in Spokane, in Seattle, and Vancouver.

Speaker 2 And then we are going to be starting the Bad Friends tour out there in Nashville, baby, on 4:20. Badfriendspod.com is where you're going to get those tickets.

Speaker 2 And please watch Cheeseburger on Netflix now.

Speaker 3 Hey, all you bad friends out there. It's Juicy, Jet Ski, Jeffrey, Ski Mask, whatever you want, Johnson.

Speaker 3 Anyway, after you watch Andrew's special cheeseburger on Netflix, come check me out. San Jose Improv, January 18th.
I'm headlining my own show.

Speaker 3 Do you know the way to San Jose?

Speaker 3 If not, it's a really easy Google search. That's how I got directions to the club.

Speaker 3 Okay, hope to see you. Thanks for all the support.
Love you guys. Bye.
You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 Really, you two or something.

Speaker 3 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 God has certain prototypes, body-wise. Body-wise prototypes.
And this is the Maddie Matheson. You know what I mean? Timeout.

Speaker 2 Timeout. First of all, that's a friend of mine.
But don't compare Stav to Maddie Matheson. Yeah.
No, it's a body. Not all fat bodies are the same.

Speaker 2 Although he is. Explain.
He is a little titty's big belly guy. That is.
Oh, God.

Speaker 2 That is.

Speaker 2 I think that is the best. You know what, actually? I'm going to do a full 180.
I'm actually on Bobby's side here.

Speaker 2 Because I do believe this is the best fat body to have. It's little titties, big stomach.
You don't want to be too fluffy. You want to be hard.

Speaker 2 You want to be compact. Smooth, right? Look at my shit.
Oh, sexy dog.

Speaker 2 No ripples. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I weigh 300 pounds. You are athletic.
I am shockingly athletic.

Speaker 2 You can't run far, but you can't run. You run fast.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, this guy? He runs quick, not fast.
Quick, fast is long-term. Like Gimbali.
Remember in Lord of the Rings?

Speaker 2 He was like catching up with Legolas. That's the kind of guy I am in a video game.
Yeah, yeah. The hammer, the guy with the big catch.

Speaker 2 First of all, shout out to Stop. So Stavros is on the show today.
It's our boy Stav,

Speaker 2 who's got a calendar out right now, 2023. That's right.
Get it right now, you fucking slut. Get it.
Stavi.biz. Stavi.biz.
I mean, look at the glass. Damn, it's so fire.
I need to work on my ass.

Speaker 2 Like, when I look at the face, I'm like, is that Kate Moss? No. I need to work on my ass.
Yeah, yeah, no. Also, Stav's mom baked us cookies.
Shout out to Lil V. Lil V Lil V.
Lil V, she rules.

Speaker 2 And Bobby initially said some dumb shit. Bobby, he did.
I don't like it. No, no, no, don't, don't, don't.
No, no, you did.

Speaker 2 You said I don't like homemade cookies.

Speaker 2 I'm not gonna eat it. Oh, come on.
Lame. You think he looks like

Speaker 2 from nothing? You think my mom doesn't make good cookies? Whoa. Okay.

Speaker 2 So explain this to him because he doesn't know what these are. Okay.
So we have three varieties there. We've got your classic baklava.
Baklava, baby.

Speaker 2 And that's a standard, but actually, I think the other two are where my mom really shines.

Speaker 2 We have the curabie, which is the little powdered sugar one. That's a butter cookie.

Speaker 2 That's just awesome.

Speaker 2 Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Kurabia.
You Greek? I am. You know Stamos? I wish I did.
That's my. He's your leader.
I know, dude. No, absolutely.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. Yannis Pappas.
I don't know how he's got to connect. But you and Yannis know each other.
We do.

Speaker 2 He's Hog and Stamos. Yo.
He's Hogen Stamos.

Speaker 2 I'm not cool. If I had Stamos.
don't hog him, too, dude. You're not fucking Greek.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Should I call Stamos? Yes.

Speaker 2 Call him right now. You know Stamos?

Speaker 2 He does.

Speaker 2 He knows all sorts of weirdos.

Speaker 2 Hey, watch your mouth about John Stamos. No, no, no.
I just mean people in general.

Speaker 2 He's not going to pick up for me. Of course.
Let's see if he does.

Speaker 2 You want to see if Stamos wakes up?

Speaker 2 Say the correct way to say this, Stop. Curabia.
Curabia.

Speaker 2 There it is. Should I FaceTime it? Yeah.
He's not going to answer, so you do whatever you want. These are so good.
They're really good. And that's not even her best cookie.

Speaker 2 The brown one, called a melomacaro, no. Careful, dude.

Speaker 2 The African American one. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, what's this called, Soph? Melomaccaro no. Melomaccano.
It's an almond.

Speaker 2 That one is an orange peel olive oil cookie. You're going to love it.
Damn, bro. Tasting this one.
Cook, soak that motherfucker in honey. That's fuck your magnum opus.
Fuck John Stampin'. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Watch it, dude. Don't give him a fucking fool.
He did. He really embarrassed you.
He's a shit. Fucking fuck you.

Speaker 2 He diminished you in my eyes.

Speaker 2 He's not the leader, man. You're the new leader.
Thank you. You're the new leader, dude.
I appreciate that. Young fuck's demos, dude.
Can I tell you something? Is this good? I'm not kidding.

Speaker 2 It's so good. It's so fucking.
Look at Pete. Pete Weldon.
She's out of. She's halfway done.
Did I say eat this one? That's a great one. No, no, no.
The brown one is her best cookie, though. Which one?

Speaker 2 This brown one right here?

Speaker 2 Tell them how to say it.

Speaker 2 Melomakaro, no. Mela Macaro.
Got it. Look at him.

Speaker 2 I don't even have to hear it.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's see.

Speaker 2 That's not bad, dude. You were close until the end.
Time out. Time out.
What up, Drew? Jan Pop. Jan Pop, you're on bad friends right now.
Stavros is here. Okay?

Speaker 2 Yashu, Yashu Phile.

Speaker 2 The Greeks are taking over, bro. Stavros.
This is their thing. This is their thing.
We're talking in code. That's true.
It's Kanye stuff. Guy,

Speaker 2 Jan, I'm going to say something real fast. And I love you to death.
We just ate Mela Makaninko. Melomakanono.
Melomakanonof, made by his mom.

Speaker 2 He's on some heavy Greek shit. It's so fucking good.
I'm going to throw this out to you, and I know you're with your family. I know it's late.
What time is it in New York? It doesn't matter. Midnight.

Speaker 2 Yanni answers for me. He's got a child.

Speaker 2 Stay on for me. Hold on.

Speaker 2 We just went Greek shit down for dinner. That's right.
That's true. That's true.
Jan, I got to know. Real talk, because I love you.
We're old friends.

Speaker 2 How come you haven't introduced Stav to fucking Stamos?

Speaker 2 Bro, it's all part of the plan. You guys don't understand.
This is the Greek takeover. We're taking back the civilization we created.
That's true.

Speaker 2 Because what you people have done with it is just not good. Let me ask you something.
Ask Yannis this question. He can hear you.
Yannis, do you hear me?

Speaker 2 Yeah, Stavos is the Trojan horse that's coming through. Yannis, I just called you.
Why didn't you switch over?

Speaker 2 I just fucking called you. Why didn't you switch over? Did you get my call? Did you get call?

Speaker 2 I saw it coming in.

Speaker 4 I saw it coming in.

Speaker 2 I saw it coming in, Bobby, but I didn't even know you were there. I mean, if you're there, are you even there? Uh-uh.
Uh-uh. By the way, let's be real.

Speaker 2 How close is Italy and Ireland to Greece? Much closer than South Korea. It's not even yet.
Nice try. And the thing about Greeks is they do have a very rigid ranking of the races.
Right.

Speaker 2 And you're not up there.

Speaker 2 In my personal ranking, Koreans are way up there. Okay, good.

Speaker 2 Give me the Greek ranking. And I'm going to give you the Korean ranking.
Time up.

Speaker 2 You want to go ranking? Yannis, I love you. I'll talk to you soon.

Speaker 2 You know what? I don't actually think ranking race is just the way to start the podcast.

Speaker 2 I think I've changed my mind. No, no, no.
That's how we start. It is on this podcast.

Speaker 2 Cookie's great, by the way. Cookie's delicious.
No, no, no, no, no. Let's be honest.

Speaker 2 One of the best. Be nice to Lil V.
Be nice to Lil V. Some of the best cookies I've ever had homemade in my five years.
I'm trying to convince you to go bakery mode with it. 100.

Speaker 2 I wanted to open up a bakery.

Speaker 2 It's so good. I'll be honest with you, Stavros.
Yes, please. Okay.
Yes. Did I say it right? Close.
Stavros. There you go.
He's never going to get it. I got it.
He nailed it.

Speaker 2 I'll never try the last name, though. No, it's not that hard.

Speaker 2 Give me a shot. Halkias.
Stavros. Halkias.

Speaker 2 Even still. You say it.

Speaker 2 Stavros.

Speaker 2 He rolled the R.

Speaker 2 Wow. Stavros.
I have a Korean tongue, dude. I can't do that.
I have a fancy tongue. Is that really it? Stavrocolov.

Speaker 2 Let me try to roll my tongue. Okay.

Speaker 2 yeah no because I had to do it with my lips slow down slow down all right you can't you can't roll your R? You do it.

Speaker 2 I'm more like doing a gargoyle.

Speaker 2 Now let me ask you this.

Speaker 2 How does that affect you eating pussy? What do you mean? If you can't roll an R, that's not a good sign for how you eat pussy. I don't mean...
Yeah, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 I don't want to start our relationship with you. You're right, you're right, you're right.

Speaker 2 You're right, you're right. But you know what? You know, how about this, though? Let me make it a car analogy.
Okay, right. Please.

Speaker 2 Some cars have faster stick shift, right? What? I don't think it's shifted. Not at all.

Speaker 2 This guy is fast.

Speaker 2 Let me try. This guy hates cars.

Speaker 2 He knows nothing about cars. Yeah, let's try.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 They have a faster

Speaker 2 shift. What did you say? What? A faster what?

Speaker 2 Stick shifts. Some cars have faster.

Speaker 2 I can't wait to soup up my stick shift.

Speaker 2 Let me try it. Let me try it, right? Some cars have stick shifts.
Okay. There you go.
Like a Mustang.

Speaker 2 Right? Sure. Sure, right? Yeah.
And some cars are automatic. True.
They're a smart car, right?

Speaker 2 Right? I'm just going to say yes to everybody.

Speaker 2 One car goes faster than the other, right? But they both get there.

Speaker 2 Dude, honestly.

Speaker 2 Did I get there? Can I get there?

Speaker 2 Thank you, then. Shock you did.

Speaker 2 There was a lot of scenery around there that was unnecessary. You know what I mean? All right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

Speaker 2 We didn't need the stick shift. It was mainly a speed analogy.
Yeah, but I can't roll the tongue.

Speaker 2 But I can do stick it in the hole. Is that good?

Speaker 2 Show how you eat box. Hold tongue.

Speaker 2 Are you being real, though? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I need a thing then.

Speaker 2 Can I make a vagina out of this? Yeah, whatever you want, man. You know what? You know what's cool? This is what I'm going to do.

Speaker 2 Imagine, like, you know, David Fincher. Sometimes, like, you know, like, if Brad Pitt's looking at the skin, he's a pretty good

Speaker 2 sink.

Speaker 2 He puts the camera in the sink to look up, right? Right? So, imagine the camera's in the vagina. Are you going to see that? Are you getting into filmmaking? Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is the opening scene. So, imagine that, right? So,

Speaker 2 oh, no, no. Your whole tongue in the pussy?

Speaker 2 Not too much. Nobody's on the show.
But if you make it, slow down.

Speaker 2 Slow down.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 What do you mean? You go fist first.

Speaker 2 Fist first. You go first first? Fist first.
Like a finger first, right? No, no. You surprise him.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You just do a karate thing. You do a karate thing.
You do a karate thing. I'm not a karate.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not good.

Speaker 2 I'm not good. Are you good at it? I am, yeah.
King. Because Andrew was telling me that you get a lot.
I do, yeah, yeah. How? Is that possible? You just got to believe in yourself.
Timeout.

Speaker 2 Take a second. Take a second.
Don't insult my friend.

Speaker 2 I wasn't insulting you. I was

Speaker 2 Here's the thing. It was coming from a legit place of wonder.
From a little fat guy. You know what I mean? That's what I was.
I wanted to ask you something.

Speaker 2 And in your head, you're asking me, how do I get girls, right? Yeah. Well, yeah, I can see it.

Speaker 2 I can see it with you.

Speaker 2 I can see it with you as well.

Speaker 2 I just wanted the people to listen. Okay, so let me be the moderator as a not-fat guy.
Sure, sure, sure.

Speaker 2 What do you think he does to get the puss? And what do you think he does to get the puss? What do you think his strengths are with the puss? And what do you think his strengths are with the puss?

Speaker 2 This is good. Oh, this is good.
This is good. This is a good exercise.
And I'm going to be real, not funny. Please.
Let's go real, right? You're always not.

Speaker 2 You're always real.

Speaker 2 You know, that's an attack. No, I said you're always real.

Speaker 2 I said you're always real. It's a bit of an attack.
But that's a real real. Because what you're saying is he can't.
He's not trying to be funny.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. You're saying he's a buffoon.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes, and.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 We're two peas in a pod. Yes, we are.
We're two peas. And without the second pee, there would be no.
Thank you. The king of of analogies.

Speaker 2 Sometimes the pods have a really fast station.

Speaker 2 All right, so

Speaker 2 you tell him he's got, I want to hear him for you.

Speaker 2 May I ask him some questions then?

Speaker 2 Let me ask you some questions. This is how we're going to get there, okay?

Speaker 2 Do you believe that because of your comedy and what you do for a living, you know, stand-up and podding, this and that, gave you confidence enough to get the girls?

Speaker 2 It just, it just

Speaker 2 initially probably thank you. Yes, initially, yes.
I'll give you that. Yeah, yeah.
But what I'm asking you is that the flow before you were Stavros

Speaker 2 probably was

Speaker 2 average. I still fucked more than I should have, given my

Speaker 2 okay, good. But not much.
How many times a year, you think?

Speaker 2 How many times a year did I fuck? Before the Stavros. Ask a month.
How many times a month?

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Month? Year? Yeah.
Year. A week.
How many times a month is a more accurate description? How many times a month would you?

Speaker 2 Okay, let's see here.

Speaker 2 See, I started.

Speaker 2 There's a real turning point

Speaker 2 when I was getting pussy. When I moved out of my family's house, right? In college, I had a college girlfriend.
I fucked one girl, right, the whole time. Red hair, freckles, probably.
I wish.

Speaker 2 That's enough.

Speaker 2 College girl.

Speaker 2 In my fuck fancy.

Speaker 2 They're always redheaded. Yeah, they're like the curry girl in college.

Speaker 2 Wendy's girl. Oh, Wendy's.

Speaker 2 What's the the

Speaker 2 long stockings? Pippi Longstockings. Is that her name? Pippi Monkey.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's say before I was popping, I can tell you, actually, I'll tell you in the year, there was one year before I moved to New York. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That was the first time I lived with my friends outside of my house. And I fucked 10 girls that year.
And that was a nice one. One a month almost.

Speaker 2 And that was a nice one. For a fat guy, that's a great number.
For any guy. For any guy.

Speaker 2 And I was dating two of them, so I slowed down.

Speaker 2 Dude.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something. That was a nice year for me.
I'm going to level you up. That was the first year of getting pussy for me.
I'm gonna bring this back down to earth. Oh, let's go.

Speaker 2 10 guy, 10 girls,

Speaker 2 almost one a month for any dude, good-looking dude, even, still a good number, still a really good number. Interesting.
That's a really good number. Yeah, if you're not, if you're not in a man,

Speaker 2 let's get specific. Yeah, but even the go-out and get pussy guy, he's so aggressive.
He's he's maybe getting three in one month, and he's two, three months. You're right, right.
He's streaky.

Speaker 2 That guy's streaky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're consistent. Just for my information, how many of those is raw dog? Oh, boy.
Wow, this was was a while ago, right?

Speaker 2 It's a deep cut. This was

Speaker 2 fucked. What years ago? Oh, dude, 10 years was they were.
There were no eights then. No, yeah, no.
So

Speaker 2 I'm going to say I did buy a couple Plan B's. Oh, actually, you know what? You know what? I had a very scary thing happen.
This is a great. Thank you for reminding me of this.
Give it. I was with.

Speaker 2 So in that year, I dated two girls, like, kind of on again, off again regularly. May I ask what race?

Speaker 2 These were both white women. Fuck yeah.

Speaker 2 I was trying to go white-free 2022, and that blew up and spoke. I was dating a Korean girl, actually, and then she got a boyfriend while I was on the road.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I was dating a different.

Speaker 2 I was in a Mexican-Korean zone where I had a little roster. You know what I mean? Well, because they're kind of.

Speaker 2 Really? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think so.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Filipinos are the Mexicans of Asian? Because the disappointment meter with your parents is like more

Speaker 2 leaning one. His mom's busy making these cookies.
She don't give a fuck about who he's piping. My mom is actually a very progressive woman.
She would be happy if I

Speaker 2 little v doesn't care if i came home with a woman of any race she's so happy stoked she wants she wants me to have she wants grandkids she doesn't care what color they are god bless lil v she's the fuck she's the best god bless lil v move on um

Speaker 2 so yeah

Speaker 2 so uh i was dating this girl and we were watching that this was the year that jenny slate movie about getting an abortion oh yeah i remember that now yeah yeah uh pro problem child or obvious child obvious child

Speaker 2 problem child was the little red that was what i was at yeah yeah that was my movie yeah that was my foray into yes yes.

Speaker 2 So I had been dating this girl for like two months, and it came in fully raw-dogging her. Just fully didn't bust in because I was still a little, I was a gentleman.
I was a little too scared to fully.

Speaker 2 When you say fully, is there a half way of doing it? Yeah, it's like what you do. You put a couple, you took a couple swipes.
You're like half in.

Speaker 2 What does that mean? Your fully erect penis only reaches half in, I think, is what he's getting. Is that what you mean? My dick size?

Speaker 2 Jordan,

Speaker 2 there is a way to. to...

Speaker 2 It was a quick joke, and you missed it. No, no, I got it.
Yeah. No, I got it.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Well, how big is your penis, Bobby? What are you mad at Andrew for here? That's Bobby's penis.

Speaker 2 Is that not your penis? Is that not your penis? Okay, can I say something? Is that or is that not your penis? Say yes or no fast. Yes! Okay, thank you.

Speaker 2 Yes, but in one step, like, is Bruce Banner Hulk?

Speaker 2 Is Bruce Banner Hulk? Okay. Right? No, they're two different entities.
I understand. So when he gets angry, right, he turns into this yellow monster.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, once he sees a little kid with a fucked-up face, it gets to be a dying monster.

Speaker 2 Maya pussy.

Speaker 2 Hulka smash a pussy.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I love Hulk with an Asian accent.

Speaker 2 Holka Smashu. Holka Smashmasmasmasmasa Pussy.
Yeah, yeah, that's good. All right, so you're so by the way.
So, yes. Collect more information so you know.
All right, well, let me finish this.

Speaker 2 Well, the plan B, the plan B story. Yeah, we'll envision.
You're fully raw dogging. Fully raw dogging.
By the way, there is such a thing as kind of raw dogging.

Speaker 2 That's when you get like four pumps in before putting the condom on. Or you treat yourself to a couple pumps.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's nice. You're like, come on, you can't catch fucking.
I feel like Europeans.

Speaker 2 I feel like Europeans do it that way.

Speaker 2 You know what? That's like trying ice cream at the shop. Oh, that's what that is.
Just a little

Speaker 2 sample. Oh, yeah, I'll have the whole scoop.

Speaker 2 Anyway, we were way past that. I've just been, maybe even a, maybe even a nut at once.
Anyway,

Speaker 2 we're watching this movie, and it's a, Jenny Slate has it, you know, and she's like, oh my God, I just, I could never do that. Like, I could just never have an abortion.

Speaker 2 We just never had this conversation. I assumed I'm dating an alcoholic in Baltimore.
We're both in our early 20s. Like, of course, you're getting an abortion.
What the fuck?

Speaker 2 And then I'm like, oh, well, that's kind of fucking crazy that you're telling me this, but thank God you're on birth control. And she was like, I'm not on birth control.
I was just like, no,

Speaker 2 my life flashed before my eyes, bro.

Speaker 2 She was Christian.

Speaker 2 She wasn't even.

Speaker 2 She probably had Christian parents. Yeah, probably.
Or believe it. Something got into her head to be like, abortion is wrong, and I'm not taking birth control.
Right, right, right.

Speaker 2 Anyway, that my whole fucking life flashed before my eyes. Oh, my God.
I was like, what? It's crazy. I have just been...
Absolutely no condom whatsoever. Yeah.
Just no amazing.

Speaker 2 I wasn't even thinking about putting on a condom for months. So this guy now, though, he's being a good boy.
But now I'm up to 85% condom usage.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's pretty good. Good number.

Speaker 2 I literally don't even know how they work.

Speaker 2 I open it up. I blow on.
I don't know what that is. Do you raw a dog?

Speaker 2 I generally do, yeah. Wow.
Yeah, he does. Well, Koreans don't get it.
Well, in Korea,

Speaker 2 I've never met a Korean with a thing. Well, you know, in Korea, condoms.
You know, with a ward or anything like that. Condoms are illegal.

Speaker 2 They treat condoms in Korea like menthol cigarettes here in California.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're illegal. Yeah.
They're against the law. But I don't have sex with a lot of people.
No? Why not?

Speaker 2 You're a cute guy. Let's move on.
No.

Speaker 2 Let's move on. Okay, but let me say this.
You could be having sex with you. You could have sex with as many people as you want.
Yeah, but you know what? I have an ethic. No, you don't.

Speaker 2 Is that how you say it? You don't have an ethic. I just sounded so.
You don't even know how to say it. I have ethic.
You don't have ethic. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's not the way you use that word, and you don't have to say that.

Speaker 2 That's not how you use that word. I have ethics, I guess.
Right? And a morality. Yeah.
What is this? Tell them, read what it says. Okay.

Speaker 2 Ethics is right. Moral principles.
Moral principles that govern a person's behavior or the conducting of an activity. There you go.
Moral principles. You have some.
Government behavior.

Speaker 2 Person's behavior of the clunk. And by the way, guys, Stavi's World podcast just launched.
You're going to want to subscribe. Go listen to Stavi's World.
You think you're leaving? You're not leaving.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. I know.

Speaker 2 I just like to get the plug-in right up top.

Speaker 2 But Stevos, you don't want to be in a relationship, though?

Speaker 2 I do. I mean, I was in one.
I was in one for a while. How long we broke up.
We were dating for like two years. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then we broke up, and I was on the road right after the pandemic, and I just got my little titty sucks from Sea to Shining Sea for a little bit.

Speaker 2 And for me, when I go on the road, I can't get it because I'm not a closed. I can't open and close in one night.
What do you mean? Yeah, you can. No, I can't.
I could open hard, but I can't close.

Speaker 2 Too soon. What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 Because for me, it's like, you know, hey, like, let's say you're a club.

Speaker 2 All the stuff is done for you. The work is done for you.
You were so funny tonight. Oh, do you think so? Yeah.
What are you doing after this?

Speaker 2 You want to be Instagram friends?

Speaker 2 I always do that.

Speaker 2 That sucks. I make it harder.
I make it more challenging. I was going to suck your dick.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Can I really, let's just cut to the chase, right? Can we roleplay it, though, or no?

Speaker 2 Because I want to play the girl.

Speaker 2 Because I want to do that premium.

Speaker 2 Hydro. I caught it.
You? They gave me one. I got one at the house.
I love it so very much. It's incredible.
And I'm rowing in the morning, and it wakes me up and gets me juiced. Well, what is it?

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Speaker 2 DoorDash. You know, I get a lot of food from DoorDash.
I think you exclusively get food from Doad. I would be dead without them.
I know. Not only I get other things as well.

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That makes so sense.

Speaker 2 That makes a lot of sense because I got to tell you something.

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Terms apply.

Speaker 2 You be you, and he'll be the Korean. All right.
That's what he needs. So this is me after.

Speaker 2 Ask what my name is, all that.

Speaker 2 I need the whole thing. What's your name? In fact, no, I got to walk into it.
Hey, baby girl. What you're doing? Got to walk into it? Let him walk in.
Whatever you need to do.

Speaker 2 That's how he gets into character.

Speaker 2 Actor Studio. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just tuck your penis into your balls.

Speaker 2 No, no.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Get it. Get in the character.
Korean women's ass are flat, so I want to do the flat walk. Got you.
She didn't have a flat ass. No, she had a nice ass.
She was hot. He's saying she's hot.
Act hot.

Speaker 2 This is not dutiful.

Speaker 2 Can somebody get this frumpy bitch out of my fly line?

Speaker 2 Hi. Hey, how's it going? You're really funny on stage.
Thank you. I'm Sung Hong Chung.
Hey, Sung Hong Chung.

Speaker 2 That sounds like a really cool, not racist name.

Speaker 2 I love your humor. It's etchy.

Speaker 2 He's like, hot, squitzque. What's up with your tits?

Speaker 2 What's going on with your tits? I have a little lychee fruit tits. Lychee fruit tits.

Speaker 2 You think maybe I could put those bad boys in my mouth or what?

Speaker 2 Both of them?

Speaker 2 One at a time, whatever your preference is. Yeah, but where? Like, we're at a club.
At my hotel room. I'm actually staying right around the corner.
Yeah? Yep.

Speaker 2 How about tomorrow?

Speaker 2 I'm really, I'm not going to be around.

Speaker 2 It's all good. It's tonight or nothing, but either way.
Knock, knock, knock. Hello?

Speaker 2 Hi, it's me, Sung Hong Chong again. Sung Hong Chong.
You can't come out. Wait, so we're just waiting because you never told me your hotel room number, so I knocked on every single door.

Speaker 2 And this is the 40th door, and I'm so glad because I was going to be my last one. You see what he does? Yeah, yeah, that's how he gets to suck on tits.
Right, so

Speaker 2 you want to suck on the tits? Yep. Okay, they're a little dirty.
Why? Because I just fucking worked out pretty much. I went to every floor, knocked on every title.
So they're sweaty, not dirty.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Can I sprinkle them in the faucet? No.

Speaker 2 No, I need it fucking marinated. I want to marinate.
I'm sorry. He's marinated.
All right. Like Galbi sauce.

Speaker 2 Let me get some fucking. Let me go for it.
Which tit do you want to start with?

Speaker 2 This one. I'll go last.

Speaker 2 Let's go for real titties. Yeah, let's go look at it.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. They're kind of smaller than I was expecting.
Yeah. Anyway, with this one? Yep, I guess.

Speaker 2 Hey, you want to just go ahead and just suck me off real quick?

Speaker 2 Well, that's what you would do? Honestly, that is based. Legitimately, though,

Speaker 2 I am just like, hey, do you want to come in my hotel room? Do you get ready? And they say no. Do you get rejected? Yeah.
Don't get rejected. And in the hotel room, hey, you want to suck me off?

Speaker 2 Do you get rejected there? In the hotel room, I do not get rejected. But you say that directly? Hey, you want to suck me off?

Speaker 2 If someone's coming to your hotel at fucking midnight, what do they think is happening? They all know what's up. They know.

Speaker 2 And here's the other thing, Bobby, that you should do: put out a sexual vibe. Look at the calendar I handed you.

Speaker 2 If you come into that guy's hotel room, you don't think you're sucking his dick?

Speaker 2 I get it. See, I've put it out into the dark.
You love animals? Exactly. You love the animals.
Yeah, yeah. I've put it out into the world that this is what I'm into.
And if you're responding to it,

Speaker 2 you all know the score. Let me ask you, Andrew.

Speaker 2 But don't you get it, though? Like, this is what I say to you.

Speaker 2 I was once like you.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I was as a youth.

Speaker 2 I don't know why the fuck.

Speaker 2 Honestly, I would expect you to fuck so much more. I'm saying I see it in you.
I see pussy getting in you.

Speaker 2 I really do. You know, but I'll be honest with you.
Can I say something? Please. I'm more of a relationship guy.
Are you? Or is that where you're telling yourself?

Speaker 2 Ooh, interesting, interesting, interesting. Interesting, interesting.
I like that. And you might be.
Ultimately, you might be. But I think also you wouldn't mind getting pussy a lot for six months.

Speaker 2 Does that sound bad?

Speaker 2 It sounds good.

Speaker 2 Seeing 24 different tits in a six-month period. Does that sound bad to you?

Speaker 2 But can I say something? It's just that I think it's me. Like,

Speaker 2 I get weirded out by people.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And, like, they'll say certain things, and they'll just get weirded out, and I can't do it. Okay.

Speaker 2 I think I'm just a weird guy. What do you mean? You are a weird guy for sure, but that doesn't mean you can't fuck.
No, it's like, you know, I've never seen Star Wars. That'll throw me off.

Speaker 2 Oh, if it's a good one.

Speaker 2 Who cares? You know what I mean? Is this pre- or post-nutting? Pre-pre-pre. And it's mad.
Three.

Speaker 2 You need like a DS9, like, you know, Deep Space Nine, Star Trek kind of connection. Oh, well, there's plenty of.
Oh, here's a good dude. You're in luck.

Speaker 2 The internet is flooded with like autistic girls that just realized you could could be horny. Yep.
That's everywhere. Wide open.
Spectrum. It's big.
Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're into trans girls. A lot of trans girls.
Steep, we're like,

Speaker 2 can we get you on Love on the Spectrum? Would you do that show? Do you think I have it? No. You got something.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 What do you think I have Down syndrome? People think I have 50% Down syndrome. I'm not racist.

Speaker 2 I know you don't have Down syndrome. I don't know, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I watched that show. None of them.
Yeah, deal for me. Yeah, right.
Are you into trans girls at all? A lot of, like, there's a lot of sci-fi trans girls on the internet. I'm serious.
What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Describe a sci-fi. Well, you guys started it.
It was an Asian thing. What, trans? Or sci-fi? No, sci-fi.

Speaker 2 Honestly, both.

Speaker 2 The combination of the third style of Asian, but yeah.

Speaker 2 You guys started it. That's on you guys.

Speaker 2 Like a chick who's a horse with a dick and like five heads. That's you guys, dude.
Oh, but we did it in animation style, though. But you wanted it to be real.

Speaker 2 Do you think so? Yeah, that's why you animate stuff. You wish stuff was real.
Argue that.

Speaker 2 Is there a Korean hentai culture, too?

Speaker 2 No, but it's not that far away, so

Speaker 2 Japan, so it's pretty close.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but those guys, Japan fucked your asses. You guys don't like them, right?

Speaker 2 Like, I saw an anime where an octopus was fucking, you know what I mean, six Japanese girls with each, you know what I mean,

Speaker 2 tentacle, right? That's a classic. And if I saw that in real life, I would just be like, call, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Call somebody. Call the Coast Guard.

Speaker 2 I would freak out. I wouldn't check off, right? I don't know.
You don't know until you're in that situation.

Speaker 2 Once you've called the Coast Guard, then you're like, all right, they're on their way.

Speaker 2 I've done my due diligence.

Speaker 2 They're coming at the same time, whether I bust or not.

Speaker 2 Who am I hurting? Sometimes you just want to see it in anime. I get it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so how about this? Let's get back to square one.
Okay, what's up? We're getting off course.

Speaker 2 Enough information.

Speaker 2 What do you think is the key nugget for why he pulls? And what do you think is a key nugget for why he pulls?

Speaker 2 I got it for sure. All right, Stav, give it to him.

Speaker 2 You want to go first, Bobby? Go ahead. No, go ahead.
Okay, thank you.

Speaker 2 I think by just being a cute little guy. Cute little guy.
So it's a little statue. No, no, no, I just mean spiritually.

Speaker 2 He could be 6'8 ⁇ . He'd be a cute little guy.
You know what I mean? He's got like a, especially the relationship thing. Now, is it maybe a bit of a crutch?

Speaker 2 Because I was that guy when I couldn't, when I was, I didn't believe myself. I didn't want to put myself out there.
I'm telling you. Listen.

Speaker 2 Can I just say something right now, dude yeah stop right there dude okay you're beginning to piss me off

Speaker 2 because of my accuracy no no no no no no no no

Speaker 2 no stop stop stop bullseye but we're the same guy I'm trying to tell you I'm the same

Speaker 2 acting as if you're above me I a little in terms of getting your dick sucked I know but this is my fucking house

Speaker 2 I know you thought I'd be on a fucking inflatable chair

Speaker 2 so you know what I'm gonna

Speaker 2 I'm gonna allow it but you're saying there are feelings being aroused okay all right so go ahead okay what I'm telling you is, I, when I, college girlfriend, why did I only fuck one girl in college?

Speaker 2 Could I have fucked more? Yes. I didn't want to put myself out there.
I didn't want to get rejected. So I slowly built up this

Speaker 2 relationship. And yeah, was it meaningful? Because I, you know, I fell in love, all this stuff.
Yes. But also, it was safer.
My feelings didn't get hurt. I didn't make a move until I was like...

Speaker 2 a thousand percent sure this girl liked me right and there is a little bit of that to being like now some people are just serial monogamous right?

Speaker 2 Is that what you really are? Or do you just not want to? Because rejection does hurt. Bro, I was at the comedy store a month ago.
He's asking. There was a girl in the audience, right?

Speaker 2 She was super hot, right? I wrote a letter. A letter? Slip it.
Listen.

Speaker 2 You took out a pen? Yeah,

Speaker 2 I went to the office and I wrote a letter. You typed it? No, I just wrote it down.
Bobby. Bobby.
What?

Speaker 2 You don't write. Yes.

Speaker 2 I swear to God.

Speaker 2 You can't Carlos Braun. Carlos wrote it for you.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 You penned it.

Speaker 2 Call Ari Manis right now and ask him about the letter. A handwritten note.
Yeah. Say a letter.
I put boxes. Okay, go on.
Like, I'm trying to make it funny. Oh, that's cute.
Do you like me? Yes or no?

Speaker 2 Whatever. You know what I mean? What did it say? It says, hi, I think you're cute.
Do you like me? Yes or no? Who is this to? The girl from the audience. All right, so go on.

Speaker 2 And I go, here's my phone number. You know what I mean? I don't normally do this.
Right.

Speaker 2 And ask Ari.

Speaker 2 I gave it to her. She went, she gave me a face.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I see her reading it in the audience.
She folded it back up, and I'm sitting in the back booth, and I saw her drop it on the floor. Brutal.
Did that hurt? Yeah. No.
Yeah. You're lying.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But you know what? I still gave it a shot. Yeah, you have to.
Okay, so I do do it. That's step one, though.
Oh, there's more steps. You got to say it to her.

Speaker 2 You got to look her in the eyes when you ask. That's right.
Oh, so the letter was bad. The letter was bad.
But you know what? I would have to wait to the end of the show.

Speaker 2 You know, you don't want to wait. No.
Sure. Or you have to sit by the women's bathroom to see if you get up.

Speaker 2 You tried to get her in the middle of the show she paid money for. You were like, hey,

Speaker 2 do you want to get out of it? I was first. So

Speaker 2 you watched 12 minutes of comedy. No, that's why I gave her my number.
That's why I just gave her my number. I go, like, later.
Yeah. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And I go, and so she never called and she dropped the thing. Well, I would say a lot of in it's okay.
If you're not a conventionally attractive man, a conventionally handsome man, but you are.

Speaker 2 Some women think I think I was very handsome. Okay.
My friend Holly is here. She thinks I'm very handsome.
Holly.

Speaker 2 Do you think I'm handsome? I think you're very handsome. Thank you.
Do you employ her by any chance? No, no, no, no. No, but she's she, but she is blind.

Speaker 2 Think of Holly, thank you. No, she thinks you're handsome or attractive.
He wasn't saying that. He's saying conventionally, which means a vast majority of the public would agree.

Speaker 2 That means like Brad Pitt is conventionally hot. We just all know no matter who you are, no matter how straight you are, you'd go, that guy's hot.
It just doesn't doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 What I'm saying is you are your cute guy, but also what's going to put you over the top is your vibes. Yep, vibes.

Speaker 2 You have

Speaker 2 isolated, you've basically taken away your biggest advantage with that letter because the fucking the person-to-person contact is what you have going for you.

Speaker 2 Listen up, dude. That's true.
Fuck you. Okay, fuck you.

Speaker 2 He's right. He might be.

Speaker 2 Fuck you. Because you're vibes.
You're a magnetic personality. Can I make an argument, though? Please.
Sure. All right.
I had already crushed. She got the vibe.
No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 But that wasn't for her. That was for everybody.
He's saying you got attention on her. And you're right, though.
You need to convert that.

Speaker 2 Exactly. You've done the hard part.
You've made the nice first impression. You just go in with any kind of bullshit conversation.
You'll know if she wants to fuck you or not.

Speaker 2 Have a bullshit. What's up? How's your day? Anything.

Speaker 2 I don't want to fuck first night.

Speaker 2 She may not want to either, but maybe it's just putting out the vibe. It's weird.
I don't know what you want. You say you don't want.
Okay, that's fine. That's fair.
Fine. Yeah, I don't know her.

Speaker 2 I don't know what to do. She uses a difference.

Speaker 2 We have a philosophical difference here. Also, some women are crazy.
You don't know.

Speaker 2 On the surface, you're like, oh, she's a Christian. But, like, she's a crazy person behind closed doors.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yes. They'll spit in your face and like, you know what I mean? It's choke me.
And they're like, what?

Speaker 2 Every girl I feel like wanted to be choked in the last. in the last year.
Choking is a cultural standard. It's an American culture.
It is? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Would that still be considered Christian now?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. All right.
Joking. Are you a big Christian? I didn't realize that.
You're a huge Christian. No, but I love missionary.
That's my favorite position. Sure.
Is choking in the Bible?

Speaker 2 Ask if choking's in the Bible. I bet you.
How many... Choking.
How many girls are into it? 80% of women want your hand around their neck at some point. Are you being real?

Speaker 2 That's what the internet says, and that's never wrong.

Speaker 2 I know, but here's my thing. It's like, let me, okay, I'm.

Speaker 2 Talk me through this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Talk me through it. Talk me through it, right? Okay.
I'm doing my favorite position, missionary. Okay.
Right? And I'm looking at her.

Speaker 2 Not her favorite, but go ahead. Yeah.
It doesn't matter. No, I know.
It's what you want. Yeah.
I get it in. You know how you do.
No, you do. Not me.

Speaker 2 Two different guys. Okay.

Speaker 2 You don't stick it in? Well, you've got to be so close to get it all the way.

Speaker 2 You're in. Do it again.
Sorry. Go ahead.
Sorry. You're fucking.
Right. So I'm fucking right.
All right. Right.
Do you have a secret move in Missionary? Do you do anything special?

Speaker 2 Well, I do this move.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I do. Yeah.
Is that what they call it? Yeah, I do this. I signed up.
Helen watches. I do that move.
Helen does it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yes.

Speaker 2 So then I'll do that move, right? And then I'll go. And then so in my mind, I'm like, okay, I'm going to do the choking 80%.
I mean, what could go wrong? 80%? What can go? What could go wrong?

Speaker 2 So let me ask you my question. Do you go right in,

Speaker 2 or do you like kind of move your hand up on the shoulder?

Speaker 2 You do a shoulder.

Speaker 2 And then you just. Okay, I got her on the neck.
And how hard do you squeeze? Pretty hard. Hard as you can.

Speaker 2 Wait, you squeeze as hard as you can? Pretty hard. Wow.
Pretty hard. You don't seem like you have strong hands.
What?

Speaker 2 I think it would take a while for you to suffocate a woman. Squeeze my.
hair,

Speaker 2 squeeze my wrist. Squeeze my wrist, like it's a neck.
That's another attack. That's another attack.
It's not an attack. Why do you side with him?

Speaker 2 You see your hands. I'm going up like I seized him.

Speaker 2 Oh, so you have more choking.

Speaker 2 I have big fat fucking hands, yes.

Speaker 2 I have meaty workman's hands. All right.
My father was a carpenter. His father was a construction worker.
My dad was blue collar as well. What did he do? He hit you.

Speaker 2 He just hit me and my mom.

Speaker 2 He worked on him and his mom all day long.

Speaker 2 She had to steal.

Speaker 2 No, but what he's saying to you is.

Speaker 2 Go crazy. Go crazy.
Have fun. First night.
Missionary choke. Bobby, you deserve it.

Speaker 2 I'll go to prison. No, no.
I'll go to prison. No jury on earth is convicting that little face.

Speaker 2 You give him those puppy dog eyes.

Speaker 2 I see, I see, I see, I see, I see. All right, ready.
Say what? I'm the judge. I'm the judge.
Yeah, yeah. And you're defending yourself, right? Okay.
Mr.

Speaker 2 Lee, we saw that you choked out a woman nearly to death. do you how do you plead?

Speaker 2 Not guilty. Look at these hands.
Do with an accent. How do you plead? Oh, I have accent.
How do you plead, Bobby Lee? I'm not guilty. Oh, get him out of here.
He's good. Why am I high-pitched?

Speaker 2 He's good to go.

Speaker 2 No, because you all got to go high-pitch. That makes you sweet and innocent.
Right, because there's several different Asian accents. Let me try blow pitch, see how that works.
All right. Mr.
Lee,

Speaker 2 you choked a girl almost to death. How do you plead? Look at his hands.
Oh, lock him up. Lock him up.

Speaker 2 He's have no strength in his hands.

Speaker 2 No, No, I don't buy it like you run a dojo. So it's more like a deep.
It's more like. I'm a good hand.
I go ahead and choke.

Speaker 2 Oh, I see. I don't know.
Something's off there.

Speaker 2 I want you to try a stav method. In fact, I've said this to you before.
We've had this conversation. I wish Stav wrote a book on the stav method of how to do all this shit sexually.

Speaker 2 And I want people to try it. You know the game? I'm thinking about it.
The Hard Dick Warriors Way.

Speaker 2 I'm thinking about it. I'd read it.
I'll be the first guy.

Speaker 2 Time up. Time I met him for a while.
Remember that? The game, Neil Strauss. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We talked about this? I was like, why would hasn't someone done that? That was 20 years ago. I met that guy.
Right? Neil Strauss. I met him.
But that was 20 years ago.

Speaker 2 How come no one's done a book like that? Yes.

Speaker 2 Mine is not

Speaker 2 like focused around tricking women. Right, that's psychological trick.

Speaker 2 Yours is just,

Speaker 2 here's a way to do this and to do it cool without being annoying. Yeah.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Like in that book, right, that Strauss book. Yeah, my roommate, my first roommate in LA read the first one.

Speaker 2 There's a thing where it's like if you're at a bar, right, and you see four girls, you look at the one that's hot, but then you make fun,

Speaker 2 but then you make fun of the one that's hot. To the right, little then, and then you hit on the other ones.
Is that one of the moves? Yeah, no. That never worked for me.
Listen, listen.

Speaker 2 That's not in the hard dick warriors. Look at this uncle.
Tell them what the hard dick warriors were. You just go up there, you start having a good time with the whole crew.

Speaker 2 Whoever gives you the vibe, you fuck her.

Speaker 2 That's it. You let them decide for you.
Right.

Speaker 2 I was in Seattle and I hung out with this group of friends i couldn't i think i could have like three of them and then we we just stayed out all night and i was like god it's like fucking it's 3 a.m we were just drinking in a public park you know it was fun it was a good time and then i just couldn't really i couldn't really make a move we were all having a good time and then we just were walking away and just the one closest to me i was like want to come back to my hotel room and she was like

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And that was it. That's so good.
I had a nice night with all of them. He was a master.
That's the hard dick warriors. I'm a hard student warriors.
You're right. You know what? You just convinced me.

Speaker 2 I love this.

Speaker 2 We're going to get you so much. But can I say this? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're the master.

Speaker 2 And can I be your number one student? Absolutely. So basically, when you have a closer, when you're in class and people walk in the dojo, I'm like next to you.

Speaker 2 And also, I want to like. Okay, here's the center.
Your need for validation is going to get in the way of you getting pussy. What?

Speaker 2 Your need for validation is going to get in the way of you getting pussy. But just for this one thing.
No, can't do it. Give me a different belt, too.
No, you don't get a different belt.

Speaker 2 I want to do that. I see why you don't fuck now.
I can see it right now. I'm not asking for a black.
Give me a brown belt.

Speaker 2 Give a stripe. If I was a woman,

Speaker 2 here's what had just happened: I was a woman that was about to fuck you. Yeah, and now I'm out.
You know, all right.

Speaker 2 Let me get that. I'll just attend your class.
Exactly. I don't care what position I'm in.
Look at that. Also, can I tell the other guys? I know him.
No. Bobby.
What?

Speaker 2 You can't, but if you get to him, listen.

Speaker 2 What you're saying is that you're not. You can, but it's a risk.
If it gets back to me, you're fucked.

Speaker 2 You're the mic's about right. Yeah.
Don't tell him. But I know him.

Speaker 2 Don't ever tell him. It'll fuck me.

Speaker 2 Stavros? Yeah, yeah. The hard dick warrior.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know this guy? Oh, yeah.
Okay, hold on. Excuse me, Mr.
Stavros? This guy says he knows you. Bobby.

Speaker 2 Zip. And now you got to do something for me.
Oh, no.

Speaker 2 You got to suck him, dude. You know what, dude? If he was the master, I would suck him.
You got to.

Speaker 2 I would suck him for the first time. No, you just said I was the master.
You are the master. And you know what?

Speaker 2 Guess what? That's the hard dick warrior's left.

Speaker 2 Well, let me ask you, I'm a kid. I'm not me, right? I'm a kid.
You're the master, right?

Speaker 2 And I'm like. Don't say kid.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? You're just a man, maybe. I'm 18.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm about 40. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's my character. All right, go ahead.
Okay, be you.

Speaker 2 My name is Clippy. Hey, Clippy.
You're the Microsoft. You're the Clippy thing? I'm Clippy Johansson.
Clippy Johansson. All right.
Hey, Master. Hey, Clipp.
My name is Clippy Johansson. I know.

Speaker 2 You've been in my class for months now. I love it.
Thank you so much. Thanks for selling me a book.
Anyway, um, yeah. You know, um,

Speaker 2 women, you know, I've used, I've applied your rules to women's situations, you know, and it doesn't take, you know, they don't like me, and I just want to

Speaker 2 bash them over the head. No, no,

Speaker 2 no, clippy. Come on,

Speaker 2 too much, clippy, yeah. Yeah, but you, but what I'm saying is some of these incels, right, you will have them in your class.
Sure. And they'll resort to violence.
What do you say?

Speaker 2 Well, we kick them out. Hopefully we don't get...
They don't get to violence, right? And here's the thing about the hard dick warriors way. Getting pussy is a small amount of it.

Speaker 2 Oh, it really is. You're blowing my mind.
It really is. Is there money you can

Speaker 2 teach us how to make money with three easy payments of $49.99? I can tell you the rest. Wow.

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Speaker 2 See show notes for Tails. Butcher Box.
I have a freezer downstairs specifically only for Butcher Box. Yeah, it's ButcherBox.
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Speaker 2 Use the code bad friends to claim this offer. But truly, it's like if you feel depressed and you feel like a fucking piece of shit, you're not going to, you're not, you're putting out bad vibes.

Speaker 2 It's all a vibes-based philosophy, right? So you got to take care of your own shit. Yeah, man.
And once you start progressing on anything, Clippy, right? Whatever Clippy's up to. What's up, man? Okay.

Speaker 2 What are you you trying to work on, Clippy? Hey, man, I'm just...

Speaker 2 You know what, Master? I'm trying to improve my vibe.

Speaker 2 Okay, yeah. And that's why I'm doing this, right? You ever think Hobby? Get rid of it.

Speaker 2 How about the King Louis? Just that you don't need hands-up. Yeah, yeah.
I love rock. We all do.
How about Okie Doki?

Speaker 2 Okie dokie. That's the KKK.
Oh, that's Kiki Doki. Oh, shit.
My god. Yeah, so I'm just trying to work on my vibes.
Your vibes. Okay, but do you have?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Do you read a book? Okay, here's my book.
I read your book.

Speaker 2 Audiobook. Oh, we didn't read it.
I never actually read it. No.
Oh, okay. But I love your voice.
That's why.

Speaker 2 Good job on narrating it. Thank you, Clippy.
Clippy, are you trying to fuck the heart of it narrator?

Speaker 2 I'm not gay, man. No, no, no, it's cool.
It's alright if you are. Yeah, no, I'm Clippy.
Actually, it's way easier. If you are, that would help us out a lot.

Speaker 2 Getting cock is so much easier.

Speaker 2 You know what? On a deserted island, I would fuck you. Can you imagine a book?

Speaker 2 A book about getting cock.

Speaker 2 The first page would just say, go out.

Speaker 2 That's it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Leave the house.

Speaker 2 Like, well, how do I improve my vibe, Master? Well, well, Clippy, and this is

Speaker 2 very

Speaker 2 psychologically healthy that you have to keep doing characters to ask me questions.

Speaker 2 You clearly are just wondering. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Is there something you want to work on? Do you want to go to the gym? Do you want to read a book? Do you want to become a cinephile? You know what I mean? Are there movies you want to check out?

Speaker 2 The more you start feeling like you're improving in your life, the more confidence that'll give you.

Speaker 2 And that will improve your vibe and sometimes give you something to talk about. Clip.

Speaker 2 You got some good stuff there, Clip. Thank you so much, man.
No problem, Clip.

Speaker 2 $49.99. I can hear you.

Speaker 2 That's interesting.

Speaker 2 That's how those big church people work, though. It's brilliant.

Speaker 2 Like that guy, did you see this clip that went around the internet about one of the evangelical guys that he was talking about how expensive his watch was? He was like, dude, it's so funny.

Speaker 2 To their face, he's like,

Speaker 2 this watch is more than my first house. And they're cheering.
They're like,

Speaker 2 the prosperity gospel. He goes, this is $89,000.
These guys are insane. $89,000.
I know. It's insane.
It's pretty. I mean, I respect it.
It's such an incredible racket.

Speaker 2 By the way, they bought into it. I think it's that guy, Kenneth Copeland.
Maybe that's the guy. But it's like, I don't feel bad for those fucking people.
They bought into the system.

Speaker 2 They're paying to be there. He's being blatant about it.
He's just like, listen. I'm stealing money from you.
And they're like, fucking Jesus Christ. This could be you someday.

Speaker 2 You know what I do want to do with you, though, while they're googling this, yeah, is that guy that you know that guy that um takes he's like an exorcist, so he goes to like you know, you see that he goes to the midwives, it's on YouTube, and they fucking oh, here it is.

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 2 fucking demonic voice. Okay, watch this.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I'm hesitating to say, I don't want to listen because I'm gonna get all kind of crazy.

Speaker 2 I'll let people fight me.

Speaker 4 You'll have jewelry cost more in your house,

Speaker 2 goddamn. So they're fucking

Speaker 2 telling you, listen to me.

Speaker 4 I'm telling you, my first house costs $14,700. I'm giving you a chance to write you a checkout.
$14,700. My second house cost $81,900, and this watch costs more than that.

Speaker 2 God, he's awesome.

Speaker 2 Are you going to write me another letter?

Speaker 2 I can really give you some. I'm not powerful.
I'm not sure if I can do it. I'm not sure if I'm honest.
They're not good, but they're powerful. That's insane.

Speaker 2 Bro, to laugh at it, to be like, this is more than all of you make in six years.

Speaker 2 And the laugh. And then the congregation's like.

Speaker 2 It's the best.

Speaker 2 That to me, I don't blame them at all. I don't blame him at all.
If you're buying into that, you're a fucking fool. I mean, that's America shit, dude.
I don't mean to get all fucking

Speaker 2 college. Give it to me.
Give it to me. But that is the thing.
It's like, you know, everyone, every poor motherfucker thinks they're going to be a billionaire. Right.
So

Speaker 2 you never want to hold them accountable because you're like, well, when I'm...

Speaker 2 Ultra-rich,

Speaker 2 I want to do that. Well, that's like that, what's the guy's,

Speaker 2 Gary Vee. It's like

Speaker 2 there's a, what's the other guy's name that does that a lot? uh

Speaker 2 Grant Cardone there's like a group of guys online that are like if you're not fucking hustling if you're not making fucking six million a year you're a fucking worthless piece of shit

Speaker 2 you're a fucking fat loser dip shit and your wife is ugly and your kids are fucking dumb fucks

Speaker 2 make six mil or kill yourself dog Gary Gary Vee it was his dad's liquor store that he like took over is that his thing yeah yeah well but this thing it's like he's like I was he tells people I worked at a liquor store and it's like no you owned it you owned the liquor store Like, that is the big difference.

Speaker 2 I can't not make fun of this guy because he's like, no, I mean, here's the deal. It's like, fucking, you got to fucking sell your shoes.
He was big on NFTs too, which

Speaker 2 turned out to be a real fucking farm. Yeah, yeah.
That's a real fucking scam. Dude, that was that.
I walked with a buddy of mine the other day.

Speaker 2 I was taking a walk having coffee with a friend and he stopped me and he goes, dude,

Speaker 2 I can't be happier. than realizing how good it is to be behind the times when it comes to NFTs.
Because he was like, he didn't buy into crypto NFTs and he was like, Man, am I a dummy?

Speaker 2 I'm behind the times. He's like, I've never been happier to be behind the times type of guy who didn't get fucked.

Speaker 2 Like, people that bought like 50 grand worth of board ape shit, and now it's worth like six bucks. Dumbass,

Speaker 2 kid. That sucks.
And Justin Bieber and all those guys are getting sued. You know this? FTX because they paid them

Speaker 2 to fucking

Speaker 2 promote it. It's basically shorting a stock.
It's like inflating, inflating, inflating. They'd be like, fuck you.
Take all the money and then they leave. Paris Hilton says it's good.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So I think it must be fucking Jimmy Fallon. You remember that video of Jimmy Fallon and Paris Hilt plugging their bored apes? No.
On the tonight show. Yeah.
No.

Speaker 2 Yeah, for real. And it was the most awkward.
They clearly didn't believe it. Right.
They did it on the tonight show. It was fucking crazy, dude.
But yeah,

Speaker 2 it's all such fucking dog shit. And

Speaker 2 the only reason it happens is because Life in America is such dog shit that you're like, well, maybe.

Speaker 2 Everybody wants to hit the lotto. Because it's all or nothing here.
There's no good quality of life anymore.

Speaker 2 No middle middle class. We've got to change the culture then, guys.
I agree. You know what though?

Speaker 2 This capitalism cannot be the main thing. No, shut the fuck up.
No, you're right. You're right.
Capitalism

Speaker 2 isn't the thing.

Speaker 2 It's the fact that people are being sold so many lies. That's the problem.
It isn't. Religion used to be capitalism, right? It's the thing that controls the masses, right? Dumb people.

Speaker 2 Stop it. What?

Speaker 2 I mean, religion. Ignorant people.
Religion. Okay.
Right. And now they use capitalism to do it and to enslave us all.
And And we just got to figure out how to just, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I agree with you become free. Yeah.
How do you become free? Don't do the gadgets. Don't buy the stuff.

Speaker 2 You do all of it. You're smoking.
You're about to have $700 worth of fucking shoes today. Yeah, you're smoking a vape with an idea.
I'm going to say, I'm a slave. I'm telling you, I'm a slave.
We are.

Speaker 2 We are a fucking. I don't want to be a slave anymore.

Speaker 2 You're not a slave. Yeah, I am.
No, you're not. Yeah, because it's like there's somebody.
You're free. He's in a nice cage.

Speaker 2 I was playing TensorFlow and watching Deep Space Nine on Star Trek right the other day, right? I was doing something else. I was listening to music on the.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine how offensive it is to slaves to say that you're a slave while you huff a vape and play video games for nine hours a day and sleep till 4 p.m.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I want to get out. I want to wake up.
Wake up. Yeah, and I want to be a zombie anymore.
I text you at 2 p.m. Wake up.
You're not in the middle. I want to wake up, though.

Speaker 2 I so do, do, do. Lies.
I do. Okay, you know what? Yeah.
Then you talk that talk. Talk that shit.
We're going to go.

Speaker 2 I like being slaves.

Speaker 2 It's good. Because if I ask you to go, no pain, no pain.
Yeah. No pain.
If I ask you to go for a hike in the morning,

Speaker 2 you'll never.

Speaker 2 It's so ridiculous when you say stuff like that.

Speaker 2 It's not. I've been on the Peloton so many times.
When? How many? This week. Every day.
I can't sleep without it. How many hours a day? I do 45 minutes.
What do you mean you can't sleep without it?

Speaker 2 I need to exercise during the day or I don't feel tired at night. You took yourself out.

Speaker 2 I took myself out. We're going to go hiking this weekend.
I'd love to. No, no, no.
We're doing pleasure. Okay.
Where do you want to go? What hill? We're doing the hard one.

Speaker 2 Me, you and Marin are going to go do the the hard one. I'm not doing the Marin one.
Yes, you are. I'm not doing the Mark McConnell.
Yes, you are. No, no, no.
No, there's a white one. Huh?

Speaker 2 There's an Asian one. There's a Korean Hill.

Speaker 2 There's a Korean Hill over there over there at the top of the gap.

Speaker 2 They're like, they got Korean bitches out there. In Korea town.
You can just go. In Koreatown, you can just go from like driving range to driving range to Korean barbecue place.

Speaker 2 No, it's like Will Shir to Olympic to, you know what I mean? It's like there's a street. You are from Chosun Gobi.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you want to go. Well, you never invited me to go hiking.

Speaker 2 Can I get some fucking help?

Speaker 2 Do not help. Because let me say something right now, all right? You guys work for me, too.

Speaker 2 Right? This is not the way to go about it. Yeah, yeah.
I'm trying to fix your body. Your crimes.
You don't fucking tell the price of the ball.

Speaker 2 He's not the boss. Start talking about how bad the boss is.
Don't even sit here like, I'm your boss. Yeah, that's your thoughts.
But it has changed.

Speaker 2 You're here. We go.
He's a morning person now.

Speaker 2 What? He's a morning person now. Oh, wow.
I'm a morning person now.

Speaker 2 That's what he said. What time are are you waking up? I woke up today.

Speaker 2 Noon. Noon, yeah.
No, today I. That isn't the morning.
The morning's over by noon. The morning is over.
No, I woke up at nine in the morning. To what? To piss? No.
I got another.

Speaker 2 And I tried to lay back. I couldn't back so I didn't sleep.
That's because your body woke you up to go, hey, we're supposed to get up now. That's your second.

Speaker 2 And you still were like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I tried.
I went, no, no, no. But then you said, yeah, yes, yes.
And I got up.

Speaker 2 What's your schedule, Stop? It's all over the place right now because I'm traveling so fucking much. But you're not a guy who, I feel like you're not like a,

Speaker 2 you're not, you're not like a, oh, I slept until fucking 2 p.m. type thing.
I can't anymore. I mean, I've been sober on this leg of the tour because the last one fucked me up so bad.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I try and get, like today, for example, got up, fucking, fucking shredded my fucking buys and tries, worked out at the hotel gym,

Speaker 2 and then I got a little smoothie.

Speaker 2 A little smoothie, and then I've just been doing fucking pods and shit all day.

Speaker 2 Okay, what's your bad boy meal on the road that you know you're not supposed to have,

Speaker 2 but you do have it? And you're like, I don't give a fuck, I gotta have it. It's my bad boy meal.
My bad boy meal? What's your little naughty boy meal?

Speaker 2 I love, I mean,

Speaker 2 honestly, this

Speaker 2 trip, I have fallen off the wagon because the end is in sight. Like, next week, I had so much, I launched this podcast.
I did Rogan last week.

Speaker 2 I did fucking, I'm here to do, like, a bunch of other LA shows, and then I go straight to Vermont to do six shows, and then I have to do four fucking episodes of my podcast.

Speaker 2 And then I'm off for like four weeks. So it's like a busy thing.
So

Speaker 2 I did relapse because I was just so overworked. And last night I hit the classic, like

Speaker 2 just make a fucked up dessert out of whatever's in the hotel mini, like front. You know what I mean? In the front zone where they have a little peanut M ⁇ M.

Speaker 2 I did a little peanut MM's Rice Krispie treat like fucking,

Speaker 2 I personally created double like

Speaker 2 ⁇ M, and then I put a little ball of rice krispie around it.

Speaker 2 How do they not sell that? I was in there doing fat boy, you know, confectionery.

Speaker 2 When you're eating a fat boy confectionery. After hitting,

Speaker 2 I was walking around the neighborhood after hitting a shake shack, by the way. Good boy.
God bless. So I did have

Speaker 2 a single though. When you eat in bed like that, you're in the bed, yes? I was on the couch.
Okay, so can I say this? Honestly, I think what thwarts real bad boy, fat boy stuff is being out of the bed.

Speaker 2 Got to be be out of the bed. If you can do it on the couch or in the chair, in the computer chair.
It does something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It changes how much more you're going to eat.

Speaker 2 Because when I would be on the road at the beginning and I'd gained like 12 pounds

Speaker 2 last year on the road, it's because I would eat in bed.

Speaker 2 And in bed, you're like, it's okay. Yeah, yeah.
It's okay.

Speaker 2 It's just his comfort zone. Well, once you've crossed that Rubicon, you're fucked.
You're fucked. You're fucked.

Speaker 2 And until this week, I did have a, like, I was actually pretty strict about my road schedule. I would wake up early, work out or go on a walk, write.

Speaker 2 I would actually prepare, and then I would fucking take a nap, look over my notes again,

Speaker 2 and do that. But like the last

Speaker 2 couple weeks, I'm so.

Speaker 2 But the end is near for you. The end is near.
It's fine. You paid your dues.

Speaker 2 And then we're getting another fucking big-ass tour. Fat Rascal tour, folks.

Speaker 2 Go watch the Fat Rascal. We're in theaters, baby.
We're selling tickets out there. We're going to.

Speaker 2 The Bad Friends tour is about to be announced. We're inches away.
In fact, we already have a couple of dates that we're going to do. We're doing Vancouver.
We're doing Just for Laughs in Vancouver.

Speaker 2 Are you coming? March and April. No, he's not.
It's Carlos. He's coming.

Speaker 2 Who's our guy? We'll send Carlos. Okay.
Can we say why you're not coming? Yeah, we said it already. We did, right? Why? Yeah.
This motherfucker's about to be a papa. Hey, congratulations, my dad.

Speaker 2 It's about to be a papa. Mozletov.
Well, I'll come a couple of days. It's going to be legal.
It's Davos. Yes.
It's Avro Ros. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What podcast did you do earlier today? I was actually on my friend Hassan's stream. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.
Who else this week? What have you done?

Speaker 2 My Rogan came out today. I did.

Speaker 2 Joe Rogan? Joe Rogan. Yeah, I did Fred Rogan.
Oh, I love that guy. Yeah,

Speaker 2 he's an Eclairs podcast. So we talked about

Speaker 2 Eclairs. Is this your favorite one so far? I'm having a blast on this one, yes.
No other.

Speaker 2 You've not had fun, as much fun as this one. No,

Speaker 2 this is so much fun. We come in here.
Well, because we get you pussy. We figure out how to get it.
I learned so much from you. He brings us cookies.
We get you pussy. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Honestly, I want you to fuck.

Speaker 2 it was so deep in my soul. Truly, I really

Speaker 2 roll your eyes. I've done it so many times.
Yeah, but what are they talking about? I'm so good in there. No, here's the thing.
I am.

Speaker 2 It's so fucking funny that you say that because every girl looks at me and goes, that's surprisingly good. I didn't say one word.
Yeah. Like, like

Speaker 2 Carl Lewis level. Carl Lewis, the sprinter? Yeah, athleticism.
You know, you could have said somebody from this, from the last 20 years.

Speaker 2 I'll give give it up.

Speaker 2 Usain Bolt is like the fastest man on earth. I don't like him.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 Michael Richards. The swimmer.

Speaker 2 You do a Michael Richards bit right after you come?

Speaker 2 But anyway, I'm very good. No, no, no, but

Speaker 2 I'm sensing something.

Speaker 2 What is it? I don't know. I don't like it.
But I'm right. Go ahead.
You know what you don't like?

Speaker 2 How accurate have I been so far this whole time? Be honest. I don't even know you personally.
We just met.

Speaker 2 This is the first time we, let's, for the viewers and listeners, the first time we ever even talked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And already we have this like... We have a bond.

Speaker 2 It's a bond, but it's also a clash. It's not a clash.
Oh, you're all your bond? Listen, what?

Speaker 2 I think this is how you are, right? Once you thrash around a little bit, you'll realize how close we are. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Let me figure that out. You know what he's doing? You know what he's doing? What's that? You know when they say that when somebody's like

Speaker 2 falling off of a raft or something, and they thrash in the water?

Speaker 2 But if they realize that they sit still,

Speaker 2 they won't drown. Right.
It's this that causes the drowning. Yeah.
Or the feet. My feet can actually touch the ground.

Speaker 2 Yours, no. Oh, that's right.
No chance. That's right.
It never has. You're right.
Never have you. So I'm splashing around, right? Oh, I'm not drowning.

Speaker 2 But listen, just stop splashing. All right.
Relax.

Speaker 2 Can I do the splashing first, though, real quick? Go ahead. You've got to.

Speaker 2 Close your eyes. Close your eyes.
Close your eyes. Close your eyes and close.
That's racist.

Speaker 2 They are not. That's right.
They're open. I got it.

Speaker 2 Close your eyes. Okay.
Relax. They're closed.

Speaker 2 A good bit. It's a good bit.

Speaker 2 Donnie wrote that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, listen.

Speaker 2 Listen.

Speaker 2 You're the lifeguard. You're the lifeguard.
Sir, sir, sir, sir, sir.

Speaker 2 Stop.

Speaker 2 Listen to the hard dick warrior.

Speaker 2 All I'm saying is, Bob, there is something in you, right?

Speaker 2 You're not dictating the amount you want to fuck. Now, the amount you want to fuck could be small.
You might not want to fuck that much, but I don't think you're deciding.

Speaker 2 I think you're a prisoner to some outside forces that i can't

Speaker 2 look at him wow

Speaker 2 you're backstroking

Speaker 2 you thought you were dying now you're butterflying through the ocean water my mouth michael folks yeah water my mouth can you believe how good you're doing yeah you're doing so good

Speaker 2 you're doing so good all it took was words of affirmation

Speaker 2 in my head that's great that's amazing you're right you know we do have a bond that'll never been broken it will never be broken never ever ever again for the rest of the time i love it um now after this can I get your number?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can, actually. That's a real test.
This is how it works. You honestly can.
And will you pick up if he calls you? I will. I will.
Yeah. He's a loyal.
This dude's a loyal motherfucker. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what, dude? Let me say something, bud. Please.

Speaker 2 And this has only happened a couple times in my life. Sure.
Maybe 10 times. But I met a lot of people.

Speaker 2 I've met Topson. He instantly cheapens whatever you want.

Speaker 2 It's like, if you know how many people have mad at me, where I think did it. Weird bragging.
Millions.

Speaker 2 10 million. Only 10 times.

Speaker 2 Where I went instantly, instantly went, you know what? This guy is somebody I'm going to know for the rest of my life. That's what I like to hear.
Yeah, yeah. We'll be there.
Yeah, it's pretty good.

Speaker 2 He's got it like that.

Speaker 2 I'll be there, dude. I love hairy thumbs.
I don't have hairy thumbs. No, but your body is like a hairy thumb.

Speaker 2 Like, it's just like one thing. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? With hair, it's great. He's just sexy.
You know, like the thing, like, that, what's that? The cousin. Cousin it.
Cousin it. You've shaved him down a little bit.
Cousin they.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay. Cousin they.
My bad. Yeah.
Can I show you?

Speaker 2 I've always, I've been in love with Stav for a long time, and we've just gotten to know each other in the recent years. But I will say this.
When I saw this, look up Stavros toothless.

Speaker 2 This is where I learned to fall in love with this guy.

Speaker 2 I'm dead serious. Go images.
I saw him on the internet post a clip. Like this.
Oh, yeah, there it is. Bald with his tooth out.
Yeah, I had no tooth for two years.

Speaker 2 And I was like, dude, I love this guy. Good luck, dude.
That That was a powerful thing. Tell him what happened.

Speaker 2 I had something called tooth resorption, and the final thing that took my tooth was I cracked it on a chicken wing.

Speaker 2 Pretty like... Wing or the bones?

Speaker 2 Was it a wing or drumstick? It was flat. I believe it was dumb.
Flat eat. Yeah, wingy.

Speaker 2 I believe so because I ate the rest of it by peeling off the wing and like throwing it into the back of my mouth and gingerly chewing.

Speaker 2 Like, I was in excruciating pain, but I was only like three wings out of a 10 wing order in. so i finished those yeah you're not gonna stop

Speaker 2 when you lose a tooth like that do you do you get upset like oh my god i'm a comic i'm on tv i mean does that bump you out or not you put a bid up on tv with it that's what i get that's what i'm saying no i thought it was awesome i was i was actually stoked to do it to have a bid on with no tooth i was actually pissed i was supposed to film my half hour in may 2020 and it was gonna i was gonna fix my tooth right after it and i was like that'll be awesome my half hour i'll be useless and then the pandemic happened and then you guys fucked it all up.

Speaker 2 But otherwise, it was good.

Speaker 2 Before that, it was like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Oh, come on. Just for the listeners.

Speaker 2 You guys know what you did. If we got out of the way, Wuhan listeners from Wuhan.
They want to hear what the thing is. Can you imagine Wuhan is tuned in?

Speaker 2 We didn't do that. All right.
Yeah. Do you remember the videos from like Wuhan? Like, because they all followed directions and a year in there having like music festivals and shit.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we were like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That was like half of the world was like, dude, all you got to do is chill for one minute and then you'll be all good. And we were like, fuck that shit.

Speaker 2 We prohibitioned that shit. We kept it moving.
Fuck it, dude. Sneak it under the floorboards.
That's true.

Speaker 2 This is when I was like, oh man, I knew exactly who you were in terms of like how it's. There's something about comics, some comics, and you embody this for real.

Speaker 2 You are an extremely funny stand-up comic. I am kissing your ass.
Thank you, brother. But also because

Speaker 2 I think not taking yourself that serious is important. So if you can kind of fucking,

Speaker 2 if you can get to a level where you let yourself kind of not give a shit like that,

Speaker 2 you're in a great world. And the great, the great, you're in the free world.

Speaker 2 The great, the worst thing that will ever happen to me is that I was never toothless with a bald ponytail.

Speaker 2 That sucks. That sucks.
That really sucks. I'm never going to get toothless again.
I mean, it was nice. I had a nice run, but one of my dad's buddies growing up, he was bald with a ponytail.

Speaker 2 Bald with a ponytail is clutch. Power move.

Speaker 2 It's a kind of guy. Power move.
It's a power move. But by the way, you do have to, then everything else, your clothing, the car you drive, you have to be that guy.
You kind of have to be.

Speaker 2 Look at that guy far. No, no, far right.

Speaker 2 Dude, I would fucking love it if you did that shit. I've always wanted to do that.
Go down one and over to the left, too. Up, up, left, left.
That guy in the business suit.

Speaker 2 This guy. Business guy.
Bald pony. Big dick.
So awesome. Big dick?

Speaker 2 Huge.

Speaker 2 Big dick is different.

Speaker 2 This guy's such a fucking huge dick. It's almost like rude.
Yeah. Yeah.
Where women are like, come on, Michael. It's absurd.
I got to stretch before we fuck every time. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We can't just have a casual fuck. This guy's like, no way, baby.
Cupic probably has beads and stuff. You know how, like, watch the fire.
People have beads in there. Yeah, probably has beads and stuff.

Speaker 2 Like, he doesn't give a fuck this guy. Like that.
Okay. Okay.
Go straight down the white shirt. Do you see the guy down, down, down, one, over to the right, three? Yeah.
Okay, so this guy.

Speaker 2 I've been behind this guy at a concert. Yeah.
And I swear to God, and everybody at home knows he is with the hottest non-white chick. It's always a hottest.

Speaker 2 Always a hottest. It's a hot non-white chick.
It's age-appropriate. Yes, it is.

Speaker 2 Yes. The hottest woman his age.
Also, taller, like a Nigerian woman.

Speaker 2 This guy is 64. She's 50 and fucking a smoke show.
Yeah, yeah. She's thin, big tits.
She's wearing heels on the grass. She's sick.
I can't even say she's a little older. She might be.

Speaker 2 She's bigger than by barely. She's like 58.
Right, right, right, right.

Speaker 2 Is it because he has money or is it because he fucks good?

Speaker 2 Vibes. We told you.
Oh, yeah, we're going to be able to do that. You listen to the warrior.

Speaker 2 Listen to the fucking warrior.

Speaker 2 Vibes over everything. I've been listening, Bob.
You know what, dude? Can I say something? I'll be real.

Speaker 2 For the first time.

Speaker 2 For the first time? I was born with vibes.

Speaker 2 Exactly. Why are you blocking your own vibes? I'll tell you why.
You're standing in the way of your own vibes. I walked around places just wandering around.
You know how I like to wander? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm a wander. I'm a big wanderer.
I like to frolic as well. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I frolic and I wander, but you know what I mean.
But you know, I don't like exercising that much, so more wandering.

Speaker 2 Okay, but I've been in like malls, and people walk up to me and go, Hey, you want to be in my movie? Stuff like that. You have that, I have that ability, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's sleeping my eye, you know what I mean. I'm doing a little, you know, me and a little, you know, a little gym, exactly.
Yeah, yeah, uncork it. You're bottling it up.

Speaker 2 Oh, I am. You are.
I see. With these little fucking notes.
Can I tell you something? What? What he just said?

Speaker 2 If you put out an album or a special in the next couple of years, it's got to be called Uncorked.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Uncorked.

Speaker 2 Uncorked is really good. Uncorked is so good.

Speaker 2 Because he's telling you, take it out, let it fly. That's my favorite sound, by the way.
That's my favorite sound.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? No, no, no, it's part of it. Let's do it again.

Speaker 2 Love it, both. Love it, both.
One sound. One sound.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I love it. Let's say.

Speaker 2 Some of the best. That's an asshole, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I told you this.
Oh, I told you this off, I told off air, he wasn't here for this, but I had a friend who told me

Speaker 2 that they were offered

Speaker 2 a bunch of money, a ton of money, to let a guy fuck him.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, to fuck a guy, to peg a guy in the ass for a clip load of money. And she's contemplating whether or not she should do it.
No physical touch, no, nothing like that.

Speaker 2 If your girlfriend or wife said, hey, this guy is going to pay me.

Speaker 2 Me, it's me. Hey.
You.

Speaker 2 What's your girlfriend? Your girlfriend. Your girlfriend.

Speaker 2 He's single right now. Yeah, let's just say you have a girlfriend, Cynthia.

Speaker 2 That's a beautiful name. Snapros.
Oh, we love her, by the way. I love Cynthia.
I love Cynthia. Looks Cynthia.
You know what I mean? Can your girlfriend put on a strap-on, right?

Speaker 2 See, she can be fully clothed, right? Okay. And she can feel it.
No touching, no kissing. She doesn't have to cut touch.

Speaker 2 No, hello. Right.
Don't even acknowledge my presence. Right.
Come in and. She'll walk into the room.
I'll be bent over. You're on all fours.
You got to. Right, right.
You got a mask, like.

Speaker 2 I'll be pre-lube, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I do my own lube concoction.

Speaker 2 I use coconut cream, all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cream,

Speaker 2 my own spit

Speaker 2 that's why it's cream yeah yeah yeah it was just oil i stir it up right and i stick it right in there right and then bent over no hello she's just got to peg me for like a half an hour half hour yeah 25 grand cash wow um this is your girlfriend and your wife personally absolutely i don't give a you you would say if she'd go you'd go babe is that chill if i do that it's for 25k yeah but what if you're the thing the fact that you actually makes it weird because if you come up to me you're like hey i cannot stop thinking about your wife fucking me in the ass, right?

Speaker 2 Now, if we're strangers, without question, I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 2 But if my friend is like who oversees my wife, that's a little, but let's say my wife is just like, she has gotten this email from someone, like, hey, offer,

Speaker 2 fuck my ass. You can wear full, you can wear a beekeeper's outfit for all I care.

Speaker 2 Bring bees.

Speaker 2 What about this? She's fucking me, right? Yeah. I'm staring at your headshot.

Speaker 2 Would that make it weirder? Have you seen this guy's headshot is amazing? Yeah, this one. This guy's headshot is so good, though.
It's a little bit more. Would that be weird for you or no? No.

Speaker 2 Listen, Twife. Well, again, do we know each other personally?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm Bobby Lee, dude. Oh, you're Bobby Lee, dude.
Oh, I don't like that. Oh, you're not going to go.
Okay. But if just some guy wants to look at a picture of me, like the first one.

Speaker 2 The very first one.

Speaker 2 That one, for sure. That's a good one.
I have that, and your wife is. Okay.
I get it. But not you, because I don't want...
That would, you know the bond we've forged over this. Oh, of course.

Speaker 2 You're my sensei. You're right.
You know what I mean? It's just disrespectful. All right, Stav, let me.
But a stranger, and there's no kissing, no nothing, absolutely. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 Okay, let me say this. Stav, I need to get your take on this.
As a single man,

Speaker 2 I know on the road you've been offered threesomes. I know it.
I know couples have been like, oh, not couples. You know what I mean? I mean, like,

Speaker 2 friends have been like, come on,

Speaker 2 how do you, what's your line with cuckery? If a guy says, listen, bro. I need you to pump my wife.
Right.

Speaker 2 Please come back. I'm not going to touch.
I'm not going to do anything. But I'm in the room.
I don't need him. I can't have him.
But he goes, I have to be in the room.

Speaker 2 Closest I'll come to is other room closed circuit television. But I can't even see.
I wear one of those eyes white chuck masks. I can't do

Speaker 2 like a phantom of the opera, how they do it. I don't want another.

Speaker 2 Christine.

Speaker 2 I don't want hats. And the moment you come, he goes,

Speaker 2 that makes it so worth it. It's in the corner.
So that makes it so much worse. So you're on the road, and it's

Speaker 2 so no cuckery for you. I just, just, I'll fuck another guy's wife.
Yeah, but he can't be there. I don't want him there.

Speaker 2 But what is it, though? I don't need another masculine presence. No, no, he's not.
He's beta, beta, beta, baba. There's still

Speaker 2 another guy. Okay.
Now, listen.

Speaker 2 Her wife, is it two lesbians? Her butch wife can stay. If she's like, even if she's, we're talking true carrots.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're talking off the sitcom.

Speaker 2 Not price is right, Drew. Not even right.
We're talking. Smoke shirt, thick brasses.
She can be that type of. That's, I think I could handle it.
You'd be down.

Speaker 2 But I just can't have another guy in there for that. Could you not do that? How about this? No, no, no.
Could you do cookery? If you're on the, if we're on the road in the bad family, you and I.

Speaker 2 We're on the road.

Speaker 2 Okay. Not me.
I can't. Who are you? I'm taken.

Speaker 2 What's your name? Andrew Santino. I know, but in this scenario, we are on the road.
It's Andrew Santino. Okay, we're on the road.
You're Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 2 You see what I got? We're on the road.

Speaker 2 Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee. And a couple comes up to us.
Okay. And goes, we love you guys.
It's so fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You want to go for a drink or a meal with us?

Speaker 2 And we say, you know, well, we're not drinking, but maybe we'll go get dinner. We go get dinner with this couple.
Yeah. Because they're both very

Speaker 2 good looking. I already know the answer.
And the guy says, Santino, no disrespect. I can't, you know, you're taking on one.
Bobby, I want you to fuck my wife. And I want to watch.
Okay.

Speaker 2 What do you say? I say this.

Speaker 2 If you laugh,

Speaker 2 it's over. And no deal.

Speaker 2 You can't laugh. You know he's going to.
Wake some funny.

Speaker 2 Well, it's not. No, no.
You don't want to be.

Speaker 2 It's not that you're. It doesn't matter what.
It's not that you would say something funny.

Speaker 2 It's that.

Speaker 2 No, no. Bro, bro.
Be fair. Be fair.
Check this out. You take your clothes off.
Listen. He's immediately going to go.

Speaker 2 That's how I'm doing a serious life. That's That's really disrespectful.
I'm doing a serious life. You're getting cucked by cucking.
He's cucking you. Why?

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 He's laughing. He's like, this guy's a good person.
I'm going to do a fucking serious movie.

Speaker 2 If I turn around in any movie, like

Speaker 2 it's going to get a laugh. Yeah, dude.
Holy shit. So even when I'm real.
Let's see. Do it again.

Speaker 2 I don't know, man. That's still going to get a laugh.
A little bit. How about this, though? This is Supreme Cucking.
Yeah. If the guy has him in the room and every move he does, he's like, boom.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a huge power move.

Speaker 2 You've got your cock in a guy's wife and he's laughing at you.

Speaker 2 There's no lower low. No.
So you're not going to cuck on the tour. You call that a stroke, pal? He's like, fucking like,

Speaker 2 keep it in. Use your hips, dude.

Speaker 2 Fucking stretch our heart strings out. He's got a foam roller.
He's loosening up your quads.

Speaker 2 I told you, I was in the belly room, and one of the guys that works at the comedy store was with an older pornstarch hot. Nice.
Yeah. And he kept going, she wants to blow you, man.

Speaker 2 And I go, That I could probably do. I don't get my dick sucked.
Yeah. Yeah.
So I just was in the belly room green. I don't know.
They came up there. I was there talking to another comic.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then this comic left, and I was alone with the man, this guy that works there. Yeah.
And this girl, and then she gets on her hands and knees. She gets on her knees like this.

Speaker 2 Okay. Right.
That's your knees. Right.

Speaker 2 Like, oh, yeah, knees. Just knees, like you said it before.
What do you mean? Well, you said she got on her knees and then you did it. It is what you're doing.
Yeah, why would you make it?

Speaker 2 I barely changed heights.

Speaker 2 That's my point.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 You haven't been sitting on your knees this whole time you could be on your show

Speaker 2 since we got taller. He got on, he went on his knees.
Somehow he's like,

Speaker 2 so she's on her knees.

Speaker 2 All right, man. Enough, dad.
All right, go ahead.

Speaker 2 She got on her knees like this, and then she went,

Speaker 2 she opened her mouth. What? Right, like this.
And I just walked out of the room. No.
Yeah. Because I didn't want him to watch.

Speaker 2 Okay, right. That's your thing.
You don't want don't want to? Yeah, I don't want him to watch. I told you.
And I'm not going to do it anyway. Although, is that her.

Speaker 2 I mean, yeah, I don't want a guy there, but I might. In that situation, I might just pop my soft dick in just to say I did.

Speaker 2 Because I know. Never in my life have I popped my soft dick.
Put the dough in the oven. Little shrimp cocktail.
Put the drum girl, but put the dough in the oven. Yeah, yeah.
Little shrimp cocktail.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. That would be really funny.

Speaker 2 That's another alpha, so beta, it's an alpha move. Soft dick shit.
Put your soft dick in a woman's mouth and be like, nah, and then leave.

Speaker 2 I got a shit soon. How How long has this been? But let me say this.

Speaker 2 You're invited anytime.

Speaker 2 I'd love to come. Let me say this.

Speaker 2 Please, Stavi's got a new podcast out. Yes.
Please go watch it. Yeah, please do.
It's funny as fuck. He is funny as fuck.
Plug it. Stopi's World.
It's called YouTube. Stopi's World.
It's on YouTube.

Speaker 2 It's on everywhere you get podcasts. Everywhere you get your damn podcast.
Dubbo, look in that camera and go, thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Phenomenal.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Get this guy a key to take a shot.