The Elf On Our Shelf

Two, one, Happy New Year!

Thanks for coming out!

Thanks for coming out. Hey, bad friends.
Did you like seeing me kiss that sweet little Asian girl on New Year's Eve? Well, if you want to celebrate New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve with me, either of dates, I'm doing four shows, two nights at the Wilbur Theater in Boston. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
andrewsantino.com. Boston, show up, show out, New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve.
Also, not officially a part of the Bad Friends tour, but Bobby and I are going to be in Vancouver for Just for Laughs on February 16th. Then we're going to be in Spokane for Bad Friends on the 17th and Seattle, Washington for Bad Friends on the 18th.
Those links are going to be in the description down below to buy those tickets to come see the Bad Friends beginning of the official tour that starts a month later. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Here comes some cool. Here comes some crow.
Here comes some crow. Here comes some crow.
Here comes some come. No slay rickshaw.
And we also have dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. Dreidel for the Jew.
I made you out of clay. Is it dreidel for Jew? When you're dry and ready, I just found out I'm gay.
There he is. Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls.
Boys and girls. Have you been good this year? I don't know.
But you get one anyway. Well, Asian Santa.
Hello. We brought someone from your workshop.
It's Brad William. Let me introduce it.
Let me introduce it. Go year, you know, I get elves all the time.

Sometimes when they don't do a job good, I kill them.

Oh, you kill the elves that do a bad job.

I drown them in ice water.

There's a lake by the, you know.

Why ice water?

It's an icy lake.

Oh, an icy lake.

I get it.

It's an icy lake.

Yeah.

You know how you fish?

You dig a hole?

I do.

Ice fish.

Yeah, I put an elf in there.

Oh, you put one of your helpers inside it. Yeah.
They go, stop, stop. I don't like, you know.
Right. I go, die, die, whatever.
Right, right. But this one right here, he's been with me for 89 years.
One of the good ones. He is so fast.
Very good. In my mind, I thought he Asian.
Oh, you thought he was Asian? Oh, he's not. Why? Why would you think he's Asian? Because he works so hard.
Not because of his height? No, no, no. Oh yeah, that too.
Because he's similar to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Asian height. That too, that too.
Anyway, my favorite in the workshop is Brad Williams. Brad Williams.
Oh, he's scared of Santa. Yeah, fuck you.
You don't get ice water.

Hey, sit down.

Yeah, right there.

Can I sit?

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So here's, I guess, Asian Santa.

Can I speak?

Yeah, yeah, it's okay.

I guess this is Asian Santa's favorite helper.

My favorite one, yeah.

And how do you feel about Asian Santa?

Do you get along with him? Oh, his dick is so big. It's so big.
Oh how do you feel about Asian Santa? Do you get along with him?

Oh, his dick is so big.

It's so big.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

And he's such a vigorous lover

and such a generous leader.

All right.

That's what I say.

I'll tell you what we eat.

He's being facetious, by the way.

Do you know what that means, Asian Santa?

I don't know facetious.

I know Confucius. Confucius say facetious.
Is it Confucius? Yeah, Confucius say facetious. I know that one.
Facetiousness means when he talks about your big penis on the... He's kidding.
And what do I feed you at Christmas Eve? Oh, the best food. The best food.
Reindeer sashimi. Wow.
Reindeer sashimi. The underbelly of reindeer.
Fatty reindeer. The fatty tissue.
Very tender. So tender.
Very tender. Is it reindeer toro? Yeah, but not Rudolph because he's the lead.
I can't see without him. He got the red nose.
How do you see in the night so well? The root of my eyes. As you're dashing through the snow.
Because of my eyes? Well, what? You know, let me tell you something. You know there's more than one Santa.
I only do Asia. Oh, you're just for Asia.
Yeah, you know that, right? I can go to Caribbean. Imagine me coming down Caribbean.
They freak out. Yeah, yeah.
But, you know, Shanghai. What do they leave you? Oh, they leave me dumplings.
I know almond cookie. I love the almond cookie.
Pork bao. Pork bao is good.
Yeah, yeah, pork bao is good. So have you ever been to the United States and delivered gifts? No, never, never.
One time Santa called me, the real Santa. The real Santa? Yeah.
You know, that's what we all. Because the African Santa and I.
Oh, you get along.

Oh, the African Santa, yeah.

So you commiserate with other minority Santas. Let me say it.

African Santa.

Let me tell you about African Santa.

Tell me.

He only has to do three houses.

You know why?

Why?

They're all bad kids.

Really?

That's African Santa right there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Interesting.

So he only has to do three houses. Now, do the Philippines where's that oh no no no because it's like I'll tell you why tell me you know I'm on the mainland correct Asia right yeah and at five in the morning you know my last house is probably you know Vietnam somewhere you know Laos Saigon or something you know right and I'm tired you know they don't get much anyway you know and then it's like I go I go to the East Pole East Pole yeah do you go home back to East Pole right or do I go all the way to a little island where they don't give a fuck okay I don't so I don't go.
Have you ever gotten Christmas presents, Rudy Jules? From Asian Santa? Yeah. No.
See? Yeah, you're done. No, you were bad.
Yeah. Yeah, I remember you.
We're not giving it to her. I can be your helper.
I can clean. Well, she can clean.
I mean, okay. Is it too much? Yeah.
It's a lot. Let's keep it going.
I was going to talk about how you can't go to North Korea. No, he delivers there.
He delivers there. Oh, I can deliver there.
Yeah. Welcome, Brad Williams, to the podcast.
And happy holidays. Thank you.
I think it's now an authentic holiday episode. Yeah, with you.
Yeah, with you. Yeah, with you it is.
It just looks right now. Have you ever met Rudy Jules? Have you guys met before? No, not in person, but I've only slid into her DMs a couple of times.
Oh my God, that's weird. Brad.
Rudy, Jules, are there dwarves from your land? Yeah. Where? Name me one.
I don't know them, but I've seen them. Where? Like when I ride like jeepney and they're just like, they're just like, What's a jeepney? Like a jeep, like where like you commute.
Oh, it's like a safari. No, no, no.
There's a dwarf, there's a dwarf safari. No, it's like.
You got a jeep. They're just out in the tundra, you know what I mean? Running around.
They go spearfishing for dwarves? Wait, wait. So what in the jeepney? Okay, so when I ride that, like outside.
All right. That's a hippie's bus from Berkeley.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not it.
But wait a minute. You ride around in this looking for little people? No, no, no, no.
Do you have a net? Sometimes. When you find them.
Like, you know how when you throw, you have to hit a fish in water, you have to aim below it. Mm-hmm.
Do you have to, how low do you have to aim to hit little people that you're trying to kill on the street? I mean, this is insane you do this. They have one of those scoopers like those carts have at the golf driving range.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just rolls us up.
I see. Yeah, it just rolls us up.
So you're just collecting little people. Yeah.
Yeah. That's nuts.
It's a Filipino tradition. I'm into it.
That's why I've never been there. Do they drive the thing? No, like sometimes I usually drive that, and then sometimes I just see them in the streets, like sitting and then just walking around.
How do you know they're not kids? Yeah, how do you know? Yeah, how do you know? I don't know. Do you check for pubic hair? How do you know? Yeah, how do you know? Is it kids? Maybe you're seeing a thicker kid.
Because Filipinos general, not that tall. Right, exactly.
And you have a half Asian wife. I do.
No, your wife is Asian. You have a half Asian baby.
Yes. I think your wife is not full Asian.
She's half Chinese, so we have a quarter Chinese baby. Your wife's half Chinese and half what? We don't know.
Oh, wow. The mystery.
Yeah. That's like Bobby.
We don't know. Yeah.
So your baby is what now? Home. I know, but she's a quarter Chinese.
Quarter Chinese. And then 50% white.
Probably. 50% white? white Probably more than that No, the 25% is the dwarf part He's native Oh, he is? Oh my god I'm from America We don't have our own land That's right, he's native Oh, my bad I mean, we have our own park in China But that's a whole other story What's that? Oh, thank you Gave bread and apple There we go That's cool, that's cool Now I could, you know Do you feel better that way or no no.
Yeah, put my back in alignment Because those stare those seats are so the fact that we got these seats for them is so mean for our guests Yeah, because they're they're not good for anybody. That's true But are they fun to look at their fun? You better believe it.
Can I just say something you're probably so far hard to follow On stand-up. Oh, I thought you're like in the street That's easy.
Yeah all steps I can duck behind things. It's very hard to follow on stand-up.
I thought you meant like in the street. That's easy.
Small steps. I can duck behind things.
It's very hard to follow. Well, you know what? You're hard to find, not to follow.
I got you once I got you. Yeah, I kind of stand out.
But before that? Sneaky. Oh, they're sneaky people.
So wait a minute. I'm feeling I'm being canceled.
No, not sneaky people, but he's sneaky. Why are you being canceled? Well, I don't want to don't want to like you know anyway joke about one of our friends.
It's all right It takes a long time for a dwarf to write a letter you're fine I Small hands I didn't know I should have seen him on his computer. Oh All right, right.
I the L. Oh, right.
It's a whole ordeal.

We don't like to write letters.

The moment he makes a mistake, he's like,

ah, delete is so far away.

So far away.

And it's a bigger key.

I got to get another friend to hop on it with me.

Right.

Just get the assistant, maybe.

What do you mean Brad Tardifala?

He's a great comic.

Is that what you're saying?

Is that what you're trying to say?

Very good stand-up.

He's a great comic.

Thank you, Bob.

And you have a residency in Vegas?

Is that what it is?

I had one, yeah.

What happened to it?

My contract ran up. Give me the, show up the show.
What's it called again? It's called Mad Apple. I was in Mad Apple, the Cirque du Soleil show in Las Vegas.
I helped watch it. Yeah, it was a blast.
I went on after the guys that juggle each other with their feet. Wow.
Look at that thing. Yeah.
You did that. How many shows a week? Ten.
Ten shows a week. Oh, my God.
Two shows a night. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Thursday, Friday.
We had Wednesday, Thursday off. That was our weekends.
Wow. Yeah.
It was a blast. I did it for, like I said, like four months, and it was wonderful.
I liked being in a Cirque du Soleil show. I worked 10 minutes each show.
Amazing. It was great.
And you didn't want to do another run or no? The answer to every question is always money. Yeah.
How much? Yeah. That's what he responds.
How much? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And didn't pay you enough? They did it first and then we started seeing my stock kind of rise and things like that.
So we're like, all right, now if you want to do it again, you got to pay me more.

And they're like, no.

There he is.

That's you presenting?

Yeah.

Oh, that was me at the launch.

There's me on stage.

Wow.

Yeah.

But it was a blast.

They're an amazing company to work for.

I got free physical therapy.

Which is great.

You went there and did, what do you do when you open up the show? You do like 15 minutes up top?

10 minutes. You do 10 minutes of stand-up.
So physical therapy, how long for, I mean, probably not that long. I mean, probably like, beep, and then it's done.
They go. They press on the spike, beep, with the finger, and then.
I got you, Brad. I'm healed.
I'm healed. I'm good.
Sciatica done. Free physical therapy is great.
I'm only like an inch taller than him. I don't know why I'm making these jokes.
I know. It fucking silly that's why you're making the jokes because you're like ah ego boost brad's here yeah i can finally get these jokes out you think you can beat me up oh yeah big time yeah you always say that my money is on brad like with i mean without but in what shadow of a doubt what in any fighting or pretty much yeah like i wrestled in high school so okay me too so did he oh he did yeah okay that'd be fun okay but like but like how old are you now bobby 51 51 yeah what are you 38 but that's like 51 and dwarf oh yeah it is yeah so yeah we're about the same we're about the same i think it's a good tale of the day it's a good yeah that'd be fun he's got the reach advantage boxing he could probably beat me i don't know taekwondo definitely thatekwondo, definitely.
That's a leg martial art. Leg is definitely good.
Yeah, leg will fuck you up. But when it comes to grappling? Ooh.
Like UFC rules, maybe, if you can get a hold of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, because he's got the holds down. Yeah, dude.
I'm pretty good, though, dude. How do you think he fucking made a baby with his wife? That's all holds.
That was all holds. And she's tall, right? How tall is she? She's 6'4".
Yeah. To me.
No, she's like 5'8", right? Yeah. And how tall are you? 4'4".
So yeah. Wow.
Everyone when they see us together is like, fuck, that dude must be rich. Yeah.
Like they know. They know.
Yeah, I know. It's just your dick.
Can I say something to you? Yeah. It's all dick.
Doesn't it infuriate you? Because when I used to date, I used to date taller women and people always make remarks. Yeah.
Doesn't it make you angry? Somehow I don't think they make remarks to him the way they do to you what do you mean well because i have like a whole i've like i have a condition you're just small no no he has a condition with that that hurt but that hurt but i'll let that slide right for him yeah it's it's like recognized by the government and our and our our society with you. It's just unfortunate.

Right.

But can I ask you this?

Which sucks?

Cause there's nothing we can do about it.

It's not,

it's not like we're doing something to be our height.

Yeah.

But you use yours to your advantage to build character.

Bobby's doesn't really,

there's no plus.

Oh,

there's nothing that's good for it.

It's all minus.

It's all minus.

It's all minus. He doesn't have an organization he can join.
Like, I can go to meetings. Right.
Yeah. Yeah.
Could I go to your meetings? I'll tell you. Five, five.
Five, three. Five, three.
Five, three, five, four, and the good day. That's what we said.
No, too tall. We wouldn't lay in.
What's the height then limit? Five? Lie. Five, five is a lie.
Five, five? Google it. Five, five.
Four, four, ten. Four, ten is the limit.
Are you being real? Yeah. That's the height then limit? Five? Lie.
Five five is a lie Five five? Google it. Five five Four ten.
Four ten is the limit Are you being real? Yeah. That's the legal limit If you're four ten or below You are legally considered a handicap What if a dwarf had Gigantism You know what I mean? That's insane If a dwarf had gigantism He would be five four There gotta be Now there are Adam Rainer was a dwarf had a giant, he would be 5'4".
There have got to be.

Adam Rainer was a dwarf and a giant at the exact same time.

Exactly.

Bobby was right.

I was right.

What?

Which one?

Oh my God, he's eight?

What?

No, that's not the problem.

That's him standing on someone's shoulders.

Go back to all and let's see.

Go back to the actual post.

Click on the post itself, Adam Rainer. The insane story story of man who was born a dwarf and died a giant wow wow so obviously what happened was he was born a dwarf and then the pituitary gland uh right overflowed isn't that what happens right when you become a giant giant yeah it's a it's a giant uh gigantism yeah it's usually a cyst on your pituitary which means It's, it's throwing all of this.
Andre, the giant had it. The rest of the big show.
But it's great in a circus because you can reinvent yourself, right? You're a dwarf in the circus and they're like, Oh, we've seen it. And all of a sudden the next day is like, Oh, this is a new thing.
Oh, look at the tits on her. Yeah.
It's great. It's actually really, that's a God bless Adam Rayner.
Yeah. Oh, look at that.
Look at that. Over the next decade, he grew from just under 4'10", have to be, to a shocking 7'1".
During this period, Rayner also began developing a severe spinal contusion. What is that? Curvature.
Curvature. Well, yeah.
I mean, it's natural. You go from 4'10 to 7'1 in a year.
Right. That's three feet.
I imagine that didn't feel too good. That's nuts to think about.
Good God, man. Oh, God's crazy.
But imagine Mad scientist. When he was a dwarf.
Yes. He had a big pipe and he thought, look at me.
Yeah. And at 7-1, not so big anymore.
See? It's all about perspective. That's right.
People ask me all the time, they're like, oh, Brad, dwarves do they have big big dicks? I go, no, but on me it looks fucking huge. Yeah, 100%.

I've seen Brad lean forward with no hands, like a kickstand.

I've seen him do it.

I can't fall over.

It's nuts.

It's nuts.

We both wobble, but they don't fall down.

Can I make another observation?

I feel like I'm not an uppity Asian.

There's comics, right, that are like-

Who's an uppity Asian?

I don't want to name names.

Name names.

Well, he's a talented guy, and I like him, right? But Ronnie Chang. You think he's an uppity Asian? To me, in my circle of – you mean dirty Asians.
You mean he's very judgy of people like you? No, no, no. I just think he's elevated.
You know what I mean? Like you can't go up to him and do an accent or whatever. Right, right, right.
Right, but I feel like Peter Dinklage is uppity're, you're like more like me. Like we could take jokes and stuff is what I'm saying.
This is interesting. You think Dinky would be a dinky.
Why? That's a horrible nickname. I was trying to give him a nickname that just came out.
Very condescending. You think little Dinkler? You think Dinklage would be an uppity dwarf? Like if Brad made a joke, because here's the deal yeah brad one one of our our long long long long buddies he's able to make great jokes about himself take the piss of himself as we say to kind of like lighten the load of the world right yeah and obviously wants to be treated with respect but give me another apple box yes but the guy's got a great sense of humor about it but do you think right that's a valid question do you think dinklage

it's like you imagine okay look yeah you're on the set of a movie yeah you go up to peter yeah and you're like hey man great to meet he's like hey and you throw out a classic brad joke yeah yeah you know you've got him fucking in the chamber i know you do and he looks at you and is like i don't really fuck with that shit do you think that would be him or do you think he'd laugh along and make a joke with you i think he i think that might be him because he's the guy that when he hosted saturday Night Live, he told the writers no dwarf jokes in the entire show.

So none of the sketches have anything to do with him being a little person it's never referenced wow and you if you went if you got to host us oh fire away yeah oh people the cast members would have a cannon they would lean on them they use them as a fucking you know i mean yeah they don't give a fuck this guy i becomes a cane. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would play the part of Pete Davidson's dick. Right, right.
That would be my part on SNL. See, but that's, look, I think, I understand his prerogative.
Sure. But I get the perspective of shitting on ourselves.
It's way more fun. It's way more fun.
It's more fun. And that in kind of like what you said, it takes the bullets out of the other person's gun.
100%. Because you're like, oh, now you can't make fun of me for this because I'm already doing it.
Right. So I like doing it.
But obviously, I'm not one to tell Peter that he's doing it wrong. He's amazingly successful and talented.
Yeah, he knows what he's doing. That's one of the reasons why I hate him.
And yet. He's not on Bad Friends.
And also, and yet, he did that Gary Oldman movie. Oh, you mean the most offensive movie ever made?

Yeah, yeah.

Tiptoes.

Tiptoes.

I can break down this movie for four hours.

He was in the most offensive movie ever made.

You would have done that movie.

Oh.

Everyone, look at the trailer Tiptoes.

Where Gary Oldman did Short Leg?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

We've shown it on this show.

Yeah, we have shown it on it.

Because we know how much you love Tiptoes.

In fact, one of the searches, the top searches Tiptoes movie clip from our show. Yeah.
It is? Don't show it. Yeah, we don't get to show it.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, look back to the search real fast for fun.
Like two Academy Award winners. Yeah, there's Andrew.
Yeah. Just Andrew Santino rips Tiptoes, says Gary Oldman can't act his way out of a paper bag.
Guy can't act. Did you see the movie? I did.
I watched it and reviewed it for- They have to. It's a part of their- Oh, I see.
Yeah. Hey, never find yourself in this scenario.
That is why we watched the movie. 100%.
Wow. Teaching a lesson.
It's the worst fucking movie ever. But there's so much shit I could break down about that movie that's just like like the way some people watch the godfather i watch tiptoes for the exact opposite reasons wow to just break it down it's a case study yeah what is the most offensive thing about the movie oh well i mean aside from the gary old man yeah gary uh gary old man being on his knees and his arms uh like in his shoulders pinned back back so his arms are smaller.
That's pretty fucking wrong. Yeah, yeah.
But then, what was the other one? They went to an all-dwarf party. Oh, right.
During that one. Oh, right, right.
That one was- That's where Peter Dinklage was, right? Yeah. Yeah.
All right. In the world of- Peter Dinklage's accent was very offensive because he was like saying it was, like he said something and then his accent wasn't consistent the entire time.
Well, that's a pretty good dwarf dance. That's McConaughey.
He's not a dwarf. Oh, sorry.
My bad. Oh, that's McConaughey.
My bad. There's multiple Oscar winners in this movie.
That's the crazy part. In the world of, let's not prop tiptoes up anymore.
Yeah. In in the world of wokeness but it's available on amazon prime if you want to see the worst movie ever it's available in the world of wokeness and equality yeah do you think there should be an all dwarf movie i mean or show or tv show show yeah i i'm actually i'm pitching one of those right now.
And no tallies. I mean, they're going to be the victims.
There it is. Ah.
Yeah. Victims of what? Like murder? Yeah, it's an all dwarf murder show.
It's a dwarf murder show? That'd be fun. Yeah.
Murder podcasts are real big. So we're trying to do like, all right, there needs to be a dwarf serial killer.

Has there ever been one?

I mean, maybe not killer, but definitely like ACL terror or something like that.

Galleto Santos Corino.

What?

Oh, I threw one guy.

Also known as Episito Orejudo, the big-eared midget, was an Argentinian serial killer

who terrorized Buenos Aires.

Wait, wait, wait.

El Petizo Orejudo.

Say it again.

Say it how you're supposed to say it.

El Petizo Orejudo.

El Petizo Orejudo.

The big-eared midget

was an Argentinian serial killer

who-

Don't say that again.

There's no way-

I'm reading Wikipedia.

I know, but there's no way

to say that without laughing.

Now I know-

That's his name.

Now I know how I will identify

Bad Friends fans in the

audiences of my stand-up because they're gonna call you say it fancy so you're gonna yell that

out so this guy was a serial killer in argentina when he was 16 years old wow go to his wikipedia

let's find out how he died i want i want to see how he was like i wish he would have been a boxer

and that's how he would have been announced or like you know like a ufc fighter el petiso Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, bumped into him alright so go zoom into his photo in the thing below it it says how many murdered four murdered is that? Is that what it says? Yeah. Four murdered.
That's a lot for him. Hey, that's a lot for him.
This is my favorite. Yeah.
Four murdered, two assaulted, five attempted. Couldn't get the job done.
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I got to now. I didn't know the story.
They're going to say he's not Hispanic. Yeah, he is.
Yeah, he is. I mean...
Guy's from Denver. Oh, yeah, that's true.
That might be bad. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm from Orange County, but fuck it. Well, you're a Denver fan.
Yeah, I'm a Denver fan. That's where I associate you with.
Sucks this year. I forgot that you're from Orange County.
I forget anybody's from... Oh, I'm the whitest of the white.
Orange County? That is so white. It is really.
It's unfortunate to be honest with you. Do you know where Orange County is? Oh, you've never been down there? No.
You would love it down there. Why? It's all white.
Yeah. It's what you love.
All whitey-whities. No, it's all white.
It's white and then a lot of asian my high school in orange county was 58 asian what kind uh mostly korean i meant good or bad oh okay mostly korean down there yeah but that's funny because you're san diego but there i understand military kids uh down by you mostly is what you got you grew up with military kids right no you didn't have a lot of military

a lot of white people but not military

god bless that was more like

um near mesa maybe

right right right oh that's more that's north

highway no but um there was a lot of whites

a lot of whites yeah a lot of whites

and god bless you know what i mean i love the whites

great people all right

slow down

you don't so don't no you guys invented

electricity it's great

you want to get into inventions

I don't, so don't. No, you guys invented electricity.
It's great. You want to get into inventions? Yeah, I'll get into inventions.
What did Koreans invent? Holy shit. That's a good one.
Put in there. I know.
Kim Jong-un's haircut. All right, so Koreans invented Internet Cafe.
Okay. Great one.
Be honest. Milk cartons.
Dude.

How would we carry our milk?

Listen to this list, you guys.

Cheering balloon sticks.

Really changing the game.

Yeah, yeah.

Rain gauge.

What about the third MP?

What does it say?

MP3.

MP3s.

Okay.

Oh, that thing we never use anymore.

But we did.

What's the next one?

For like an hour.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'd hang your head on cheering balloon sticks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a solid one.

What's the problem? Oh that thing we never use anymore But we did For like an hour I don't know I'd hang your head on cheering balloon sticks Yeah Milk cartons And egg cartons God bless You've invented the wraparound TV So you know watch your fucking tongue I just said that you guys Are fucking amazing man I know you're facetious. Confucius say you're being facetious.
Are there any dwarf inventions besides the Google that? Besides like devices we have to use to wipe our ass? I was gonna say, I bet you guys, by way of struggling through things, have invented some dope shit. I mean, I've got a claw that like closes my trunk of my car.
Oh, you do? Do you really? Wait, it's not odd, boop, boop. No, it's a 2014, and they didn't really have it.
So you know what's crazy? On the trunk of my car, they have this thing for, a lot of companies have this now, where let's say you have groceries in your hand, you can wave your foot under the back bumper, and it'll close just by waving your foot. There's a sensor.
Oh, wow. Imagine, you just walk right under, walk right back out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boop, boop.
Oh. I know what you guys invented.
Probably stilts.

Rhymes with pink.

Lips, shoe lips.

Gotta ride those roller coasters somehow.

By the way, look at this guy.

This is Carlos, our favorite.

He writes,

has a dwarf invented anything?

So condescending.

So condescending.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, there's folklore.

Well, German folklore. Oh, you know what? A dwarf has invented something.
I do know one dwarf inventor. Not necessarily an inventor, but he...
All right. The map of the human body, like how modern medicine, like where the organs are and everything like that, was a dwarf.
I think it was an Italian dwarf. Fuck, I don't know his name.
But yeah. Look at me down here.
I've got the map of the body. Leonardo da Vinci? Was it Mario? Yeah.
It's me. I drew a map of the human body.
Mario is dwarf, right? Yahoo! Yeah, exactly. I mean, Toad is.
Toad definitely is. Dude, how was that guy Italian and Japanese at the exact same time? How was Mario an Italian and Japanese dwarf? He was the first mixed race couple, that guy.
Okay! Like, it's so Japanese. It's amazing.
Here we go! Do they have Mario, like, in the Philippines? Yeah, we do. What game is it? It's the racing game.
What was the original game Mario was in? This is great. It's not Leonardo da Vinci.
Who made the first diagram of the human body? Leonardo da Vinci. He was Italian.
Who was a dwarf. Yeah.
How tall was Leonardo da Vinci? Let's find this out. Why do you lie? No, no, no, no, no.
He's lying. Leonardo da Vinci was 5'9".
Okay, so no.

Just out of your range.

Did you just make that up?

No, I saw it on Cosmos with Neil deGrasse Tyson.

What does that guy know?

He doesn't know anything.

That was really sad.

What? You threw out one guy and it's not even true.

No, it is.

We got to find.

Yeah, yeah.

I forget what he did or what he discovered. Maybe it was like he did it for the dwarf body.
In Philadelphia, there's a museum there called the Mudder Museum of Medical Oddities. And I went there because we go to these cities multiple times.
You get to see all the stuff and you're like, all right gotta see something different and i and i went to that museum and there's there's a full like dwarf skeleton right as you walked in it was weird wait just a skeleton of a dwarf yeah and it was my type of dwarfism so like everyone else was there like probably thought i was checking on my grandfather or something what's your what's your type what do you happy that would have been what's your type I have bro bro I know yeah bro bro

bro what's your type what do you mean happy that would have been what's your type I have bro bro I know yeah bro bro yeah that's it honey I shrunk Brad Brad what is the type of dwarfism you have I have achondroplasia achondroplasia it's the most common that's the cutest skeleton I've ever seen would that skeleton even scare you if it was running at you no no no it's so cute I literally want one fancy it's like bro if that thing came from the grave yeah right we wouldn't be scared boo hi hi oh my god that's the cutest thing I've ever seen boo I'm gonna wow whatever dwarf organization is gonna get us for this oh Oh, I know, right? LPA. LPA.
Little People of America. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're getting us. Wait, there is one? Yeah.
What are they called? Little People of America? Yes. And do they have power? I mean, define power.
Like eight volts of it, maybe. Yeah.
It's like a little battery. They're lobbying power.
They have a lot of lobbying. No.
Okay. I didn't ask that condescending.
I'm literally learning about an organization. You know what kind of lobbying power they have? Organization.
You ever heard of reaching across the aisle? Yeah. That technically used to be called reaching across the aisle over the dwarfs.
That's what it was. That's how rude it was.
They have no lobbying power whatsoever. Look at them.
LPAs, Little People of LPAs little people of America yeah Wow make no mistake Brad is someone we love

and respect we love just having fun LPA his wife is beautiful he's a great

stand-up I don't view him as anything I don't

view him as anything I don't exist

leave it in I don't use anything you're like not No leave that in That's insane You have to leave that in I love you Leave it in I don't do you as anything You're like not even a human to me No you're fucking full Come on I will say this though Being buddies with Brad And going out to dinner with Brad Oh yeah In the real world You've never eaten together have you No No I think we have We must have One time at the Calusa Casino That's right We ate together We had a dinner and that's when i saw your penis so brad bradley and i will and yours is bigger yeah that's right yeah it's sad for me i mean brad and i went out well we've got multiple times and and steak and i will say this about fucking brad lp aside this motherfucker yep can fucking eat it's insane and he'll go'll do this thing where he's like, no, no, no, no. I had less.
I'm smaller than you guys. Nah.
The guy had more than I had wants to pay half. That's what he says.
I pay less. I eat less.
It's insane. It makes sense.
Guy gets a tomahawk steak. Yeah.
Finishes the whole thing. I'm not kidding.
Like 32 ounce fucking steak. Wow.
Yeah. Yeah.
Doesn't even fucking think twice. Yeah.
Well, yeah. I get a baseball filet.
This guy's fucking, he's got the whole cow in front of him. It's a Napoleon complex.
I feel like I have to prove myself every time. Every time we go out for steak, you finish like the biggest steak possible.
Can I ask you about Napoleon? Sure. I don't know anything about it.
I know, but because I've heard that before. Pretend you do.
Yeah, yeah. I'll pretend.
They say Napoleon complex. So you assume that Napoleon assume that napoleon was small he was always five six yeah that's average height for the eight for that for that era yeah right so what's why did they say napoleon complex there's a there's a story behind it like it was like that's how his enemies made fun of him and then that's the like that's the rumor that just spread but he you're right he wasn't actually that small well they call him small man syndrome apparently he was a tinier man so he might have been five six but he wasn't like thick at all oh i see skinny so a skinny five six is small that's quite small that's true yeah yeah you know like carlos how tall are you carlos five six but carlos is like like cancer skinny right like 6 skinny right yeah like something something happened something happened I didn't even know that stage 4 something you don't know how skinny you are you're the skinniest person I've ever met in my fucking life are you serious? how much do you weigh? like 130 130 pounds? I'm the same weight that's me in 6th grade that's Brad Brad's 130 pounds I'm 4'4 and I'm the same weight you weigh the same as a 4'4 man yeah so obvious so yeah obviously this is a wake up call well wake up start beefing up buddy okay no you are you've always been thin since I've known you you've never been you've never even been like pudgy yeah I think I like I would fluctuate a little bit but no but not like...
Are you one of those guys and you could eat anything and then the next day you never gain weight? No, I'm actually just super strict about what I eat. He's got an eating disorder.
Oh, like he doesn't? Just say it. Does he? I probably have a small one, honestly.
That's very condescending. Like you feel like when you eat something unhealthy, when you eat something unhealthy, you're like, bad Carlos.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like shit for me.

That's not good.

Bobby, do you do that?

What?

When you eat something unhealthy

or are you like,

bad Bobby?

No.

Yeah, no.

What did you just have to eat

for now when we just had dinner?

We had eggs, bacon,

and, oh yeah, crepes.

Yeah, crepes.

Yeah, with Nutella.

Nutella.

And you had little sausage bits.

I love little sausages.

And toast.

Yeah, yeah.

And bread.

And you had some of Max's pasta. Yeah.
It was good. Brad, let me ask you something.
Yeah. Number one, I have two questions.
Okay. Number one.
Six inches. No, I don't.
I get it. It's okay.
I'm a believer. You said you're 4'4".
No, you did. Yeah, no.
Oh. Yeah, I did.
Go on. Okay.
During, when you were growing up, like in middle school, high school, and when this time of year came about, were you bullied at all in any way or teased?

It wasn't this time of year.

It was –

Any time of year.

All year.

Yeah.

You were?

Yeah.

All year.

Yeah.

Like what would be something that really scarred you?

Oh, geez.

Well, like – but here's the thing is I was always – and it's kind of why I'm a halfway decent comedian, is that I would literally write jokes at home and, like, I would write comebacks. So, like, when kids would make fun of me, I would, like, I would literally, like, do research on them and, like, write jokes about them.
And then when they made fun of me, like, I would make fun of them and then I would have the better joke. were made to roast yeah yeah yeah yeah so like there's i mean it's a story one of my specials but it's true there was when i went to kindergarten my dad had kind of told me that this was going to happen so like we wrote jokes together and this kid like ran up to be in kindergarten when like haha you're little and i just said haha your mom doesn't live with your dad anymore oh Oh, I love it, because you can go there.
Yeah, and then... Yeah, go for the jugular.
I love it. And then I grew up in Orange County, so I had about a 75% chance of giving that right, so...
Yeah, I did, and then the kid cried, and I got sent to the principal's office because I had the better joke. Wow.
That's what's funny. You get sent to the principal's office when you have the better joke.
Yeah. It's not who shot first.
No. It's who shot to kill.
Yeah, and I shot to kill. And then, yeah, and then the principal office when you have the better joe yeah it's not it's not who shot first no it's who's like oh who shot to kill yeah and i shot to kill and then yeah and then the principal actually called my dad at work and then my dad answered and then he said like well did my son start it or did he finish it and then the then the principal goes well he finished it and that and my dad goes well i got no problem with that click oh it was good dad What I love about it is that you used yourself, your defense mechanisms and survival techniques, and you turned it into a career.
Yeah. That's fucking amazing.
It's kind of cool. Yeah, it's cool, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of like been training to be a comedian since day one.
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See show notes for details. Displate.
Oh, my God. Displate is a one-of-a-kind metal poster designed to capture your unique passions.
And I got to tell you, they sent us a bunch of these, and these are cool they're nice and heavy and durable which is beautiful remember as a kid you would have posters yeah and they would always rip apart and fall apart and stuff i wish i had this look at in the back you just put these how beautiful wall and yeah it's a magnet you just push it on the wall it's easy and look at how nice this is it's never going to get bent or crusted up or the corners corners are never going to get all cut up. They sent us a bunch of these.
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Collect your passions. What is Williams? Are you Irish? It's like I'm a hodgepodge of a bunch of different things like Dutch.
Welch. By the way, hodgepodge is a great new name for little people.
Yeah, it really is. See that gaggle of hodgepodges over there? The gaggle? What is a group? What is a group of dwarves called? Minions, right?

Insane.

We'll never not bring it back.

I can't do better than that joke.

That's pretty good.

What's a group of redheaded called?

Oh, you're called a knot of dwarves.

A knot.

A knot?

K-N-O-T.

I don't like that.

Well, you tie them together if they get out of control. Oh, that's true.

That's true.

Jesus Christ.

And then... What do you call a group of redheads together, Brad? You're quick enough.
And then when one escapes, that's true. That's true.
That's what they mean. Right.
Yes, Jesus Christ.

And then...

What do you call a group

of redheads together, Brad?

You're quick enough.

And then when one escapes,

it's a slipknot.

Okay.

What's a group of redheads, Brad?

A rootophilia?

A rootophilia.

The technical term

for the fetish of redheads

is rootophilia.

Oh, that's a fetish.

A ginger fetish.

Oh, yeah.

So there goes

a bunch of rooties.

Is there an Asian fetish?

Is that even a real fucking question?

It's called the internet.

Asian male fetish.

It's called the internet.

No, women...

No, Asian women... Thank you.
So there goes a bunch of Rudy's. Is there an Asian fetish? Is that even a real fucking question? It's called the internet.

Asian male fetish.

It's called the internet.

No, women.

Asian women are fetishized, but not Asian men.

Well, because you guys aren't the thing.

No, what do you mean the thing?

What's it called?

A large group of Asian people.

What are they called?

A noodle of Asians.

Like a pride of the lion.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

A noodle of Asians.

We already clicked on it before, too.

It's not a sushi boat of Asians. Yeah.
Well, you know that it does make sense because you guys are all layered on top of each other when you're together. A noodle of Asians.
Like a pride of lions or a litter of kittens. I love how it gives you practical use of it.
I couldn't take a photo of that statue because there was a noodle of Asians all around it. It's insane that somebody wrote that on the internet.
The internet is so fucking insane.

It's insane.

You know what's offensive about it is that, you know, rice and noodles are always associated

with Asians, but there's so many cultures that use those things.

Not as good as you guys.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

We do it the best?

By far the best.

You're saying we do rice the best.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

So you've been to a restaurant?

Go to a fucking white person's house.

The rice is going to be shit.

It's going to be shit rice.

Right.

You go to an agent.

Can your wife make some fucking bomb ass rice?

Fuck yeah.

Different story, dude.

Way different story.

You don't know, man.

You go to a white...

What about noodles, though?

We can't...

Whites don't do noodles.

Italians do it?

That's spaghetti.

That's different.

That's not a noodle.

Pasta.

Pasta.

Pasta.

Is a noodle pasta?

Are they two different things? Two different things. What's the difference? Italians don't make noodles.
They make pasta. You guys make noodles.
Right. Oh, so you never go, can I get noodles with meatballs? No.
No. Oh, you never say that.
No, you say spaghetti with meatballs. All right.
You're right. Like an adult.
Noodles are usually made with flour milled from common wheat. Pasta is processed from Durham Semolina, which is coarser

Salmonilla.

No, no, Semolina,

which is coarser

than typical flour.

Okay.

So big difference.

I stand corrected.

You make noodles,

we make pasta.

Okay.

Olive Garden.

Right.

That's their slogan.

What do you prefer, Brad?

Noodles or pasta?

Noodles.

Fuck yeah, man.

I would have said pasta

eight years ago,

but then I met my wife

and then she made noodles the right way.

And I'm just like, oh, this is way better.

Pasta for me, 100%.

What do you say?

Throw some fur and kake on me.

100% pasta.

All right.

Fuck you guys.

In a cold winter day, I'm going to ask the room.

Cold winter day, right?

Would you rather have a bowl of spaghetti?

Like we have right now in Southern California.

Cold winter day, 58 degrees.

Yeah.

Cold, chilly winter day.

Or would you rather have a nice bowl of ramen?

I had, by the way, you're relegating it just to spaghetti.

I had fettuccine with short rib last night.

So you can go fuck yourself with that bowl of ramen.

In fact, we actually said, do you want ramen?

Me and the old lady said, do you want ramen?

I said, what if we get that place that we really love and get some feta chain with some short rib and some of that fucking olive bread all right come on i guess what happened today how about you what happened today when you ripped that when i ripped that bread and i dipped it in fred's pasta what'd you say don't make me say it say it it was good so fucking good because i don't want any bread i ripped the bread in half i dipped some of the pasta sauce I put it on his plate you can enjoy both nah we're superior pasta over noodles look there's other things that we can't do but we have udon too that's a good thing udon's fine not as good ramen over udon what about pho pho is so bullshit what nobody likes pho by the way you're getting cancelled pho is the same fat ph Pho is like pink berry. Everybody was like, whoa.
And then like a year later, everyone was like, fuck this shit. This stinks.
Pho is whack. There's no flavor profile.
Glass noodles are whack. See, here's my thing about pho.
You can't go get it at a place that has a funny name. They all have fucking weird names.
No. You just got to go to a place that says pho.
Yeah. If that's all it says, it's good.

But if the name of their restaurant is – Phobulous.

Go pho yourself or whatever the hell, no.

It's not going to be good there.

The proof in the pudding is that pho has not lasted culturally longer than it thought it was going to –

it thought it was going to keep humming along.

You don't like crafty names?

I like crafty names.

The comedian in me likes it.

Yeah.

But in my experience, the food is better at the place. Like, no, we don't have time for cute names.
But is that psychological? Like, this guy, you know what I mean? But let me say this. Okay.
What do people do to you? Actually, you and I have had this personal conversation for real. What's the thing that people do the most, like, at a restaurant when you go that bothers you the most? That's something they treat you like? Oh or what they say uh uh someone always makes the joke uh kids menu yeah kids menu they always make that joke booster seat you said one time yeah and then uh your friends make that joke no i'm talking about ignorant people just like people in general that and like once you become known as a comedian one day you you'll get there, Bobby.
Whoa! No, I love you. I love you, Bobby.
I'm going to let him have it. Okay.
Please do. But like once you become known as a comedian, people when they meet you just think they could automatically get to that level of, okay, we're joking with you.
So like I've had the thing where like the host of the restaurant recognizes me and then like looks at the group of four and goes so three and a half oh my god like and you're just like you son of a bitch that's insane that's so insane every day deal with that fucking bullshit you told me one time a guy said to you you were getting i think it was outside of ray's old place and you were getting in your car and i think that's where it was and a guy said to you, you need help getting in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, God. No.
What? I get in the car. Would you ever fucking have the, like, why would you ever go up to someone and say that? I don't know.
You would? I don't know. You would never help.
No, I was just thinking about something else. Sorry, that made me laugh.
Say it. I can't.
Say it. And I really mean it, though.
Go ahead. I'm about to say it.
Please. Dude, we should invite him to Magic Mountain so he can hold our stuff while we're on the road.
You know, because the wall and stuff, he could be that guy. We know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm your own locker.
You're my locker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you guys want to rent a locker? You've never been there, huh? We brought one. Oh, I've been there's four rides I can't ride.
Which one of the four you can't? Okay. X2? No, I can ride X2.
You can? Yeah, that's 48 inches. It's the ones that are 52 inch, or 54 inch.
I'll tell you what's fucking bullshit. Height required.
Let me make a statement right now that I stand by. Good.
The fact that you're born with this. Yeah.
It is unhelpful. unhelpful it is something that you cannot control

and they haven't fucking rigged

a way to make a seat mechanism

so you can ride the ride as an adult

it pisses me off because

you get on a fucking airplane you can ask for

nine seatbelt extensions something

they can help a lot more than you

I'm not saying all of them but they can help that out

a lot more than you can but you're just fucked

you're fucked

and the even more fucked up part about it is

the type of dwarfism I have

Thank you. than you i'm not saying all of them but they can help that out a lot more than you can but you're just fucked yeah and the even more fucked up part about it is the type of dwarfism i have my torso is average size yeah so they're making this judgment based on well if you're 52 like your torso is smaller like because your torso is puny because you're skinny as shit yeah you don't have a big time you could slip he got slipped right out of a ride yeah yeah yeah he like he can do it but then like most people uh when like i go to the barber chair or i go to a restaurant they go oh do you need a booster seat and i go no fucker and then i sit down and i'm just as tall as everybody right because your torso's yeah you saw my legs kick out and you laughed i saw that don't do it again because he's gonna he's gonna keep looking at it no he gotta do it again.
That wasn't it. When you fart, does your legs go up like that? Imagine when he shits.
When you shit on the toilet, how fun would that be? Every time? I shit. I'm just saying I'm going to stand by what I said.
I think if they're going to make exceptions for people that are overweight and they say, well, it's a condition for them to help. They can't help it.
It's like, well, then you can't help this disability. Why isn't there a functioning thing that makes it so you could ride rides and do all that shit? Yeah.
You do that with your car. You show me your car.
Yeah. It's all tricked out.
The weird part is when like – so I've been to a public bathroom before where like all the toilets are high, but then they have the handicap toilet on the side.

I'm like, okay, cool.

I'm going to go to the handicap toilet. I didn't realize that the handicap toilets a lot of times are higher, but they just have the bars.
So now I'm doing like a gymnast routine. Back myself up onto the toilet.
Assholes. I mean, yeah, when I get into a hotel shower, the amount of times I've had to like Cirque du Mige up the wall to like make the spout actually point down.
Oh, that must be a thing. Yeah, because sometimes I turn on the water and it's just hitting the back wall and I'm like, I got nothing.
So how do you get up there? Do you get a chair in there or something? It's fucked up. I've literally called the front desk and had them send somebody up.
No. And like lower the shower head because I'm like, I can't take a shower.
Fuck you. I don't want to die trying to climb up there and then slip.
How'd Brad die? Well, the shower wasn't right. You're not going to believe this.
But if I read that on deadline, though, we'd be so sad. We'd do 20 minutes on this show.
I'd be so sad. And it's strange you say that.
I think about that shit all the time. Like, there are so many ways for me to die, and it's hilarious.
Like, just because I'm a little person. Yeah, like, give me an example.
Car crash? No, no, no, that's not funny. That's not funny.
No, they will. They'll type something like, yeah, the truck ran over the Mini Cooper.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Like falling off a ladder. Or if you died on the 405, your body ended up on the 5.
You got to hit that far. Yeah.
A little person thrown over the inner chain. But yeah, it's like there's like, unless it's like old age or of a disease in the bed, like that's the only way it's not funny.
If I die any other way, it's funny. Tell me this.
Has there ever been a dwarf pro athlete? I mean. Come on, man.
I'm being serious. That's crazy.
Why me this has there ever been a dwarf Pro athlete I mean come on man well, I'm being serious crazy. Okay, there was a guy named

Scaramonalu I can't spell what's his name?

Scaramonalu is he the guy that drew the first anatomy of a body?

Turkish weightlifter see I told you there was there was there's one yeah

Google a door pro athletes cuz there's got to be more than one. And by the way, do most LPs not like LP anymore? Is that gone? Is it dwarf now? What's the preferred? Little person in LP are like the two, like, you're safe.
LP is. Yeah, you're absolutely safe.
The dwarf I thought is safe now, no? Yeah. Unless they don't have dwarfism.
Not all of them have dwarfism. Oh, yes! Eddie Goodell! Yes! Eddie Goodell.
Yes, professional baseball player. I remember him.
Had one at bat. Yep.
Wait, wait, wait. This is real.
That's a real photo. Yeah.
There's no way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a real photo. Eddie Goodell.
Eddie Goodell, yeah. Played, uh, had one at bat.
St. Louis Brown's doubleheader.
1951, weighing 60 pounds, standing three feet seven inches tall.

Just so he can walk.

Isn't that crazy?

They brought him into a baseball game so he could get a walk.

Let me tell you, zoom into what Louis Brown's owner, Bill Vecq, said.

Zoom in right there.

As in Rex said of Goodell, he was, by golly, the best damn midget that ever played the big league ball.

He was also the only one.

I love that he threw in a bike, golly.

Was it like a Rudy situation

where they let him play one game?

Yeah, essentially.

Born in Chicago, by the way.

Died in Chicago, my man.

I want Rudy to try to be a part of this show right now.

Okay, gotcha.

Why don't you talk to Brad

and ask some questions and say hi.

And be honest about,

because you don't,

you've only seen them in the tuk-tuks.

Tuk-tuks.

Whatever that thing that you draw.

Doesn't have to be about Brad being a dork. You can just talk to Brad and say hi.
Right, so just ask any questions. About life.
Be a part of the show again. Okay.
Hi, Brad. Hi.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you in person finally.
It's good so far. I want to know how you met your wife.
I'm curious. Love this.
I love it. About seven years ago, I decided to take a brief hiatus from stand-up comedy.
I got offered a morning radio show in San Francisco, California, and I had to move there to do the show. So I moved there, and we were doing the show, and me and two other people who are now down here in L.A., Kevin Kline and Allie, they are now on KROQ, but I was doing a show with them.
And I didn't know anybody because I had to move to San Francisco. And in order to meet people, we decided to play a game called Tinder or Grindr.
Every day I would flip a coin. Based on what it lands on, I have to go on either a Tinder date or a Grindr date.
That's insane. That's awesome.
And that was to meet people.

First day, I flipped the coin,

it landed on Grindr.

And I made a profile.

This is so great that I'm on this podcast

telling the story.

I made a profile,

and I immediately matched up

with a very large, red-headed, bearded man

who told me to only refer to him as Ginger Bear.

We've been friends for seven years.

You think it's a fucking coincidence? He's Ginger Bear, I'm Gummy Bear. Let's do this shit.
Side note, if I was on that radio staff, I would have waited that coin so you got the grinder side every fucking time, every time. Go ahead, though.
So you're flipping a coin. Yeah, so I went on a date with Ginger Bear.
It was a great date. Gave me a lot of sympathy for women because I had no sexual interest in this man whatsoever.
But at the end of the night, I kind of felt like I owed him something. Give him a little tug? Yeah, well, you don't make eye contact.
Yeah, you just look the other way. Yeah, it's fine.
But the next day, we're like, all right, we're going to play Tinder or Grindr again. And then a listener called in and said, yeah, you guys are doing Tinder or Grindr.
You should try Thrinder. And we're like, what's Thrender? And they're like, oh, that's Tinder for people trying to have threesomes.
And I'm like, okay, I'm in. And just so you know, I'm not lying.
Tinder sued them for copyright infringement. The app is no longer called Thrender.
It's called Field, F-E-E-L-D. You're welcome.
So I go on the app.

I match with two women.

We're all going to go on a date together.

One of the women does not show up for whatever reason.

I went on a date with just the other one.

And two years after that date, I proposed to that woman.

Because when you find a hot Asian that is into three ways, you lock that shit down.

So have you ever tried a threesome?

Yeah.

That's how he met his fucking wife. You still do it? Yes.
Yeah. Yes Yeah it's not every day It's not every week It's not every month But every now and then It's great That's cool Yeah With another girl Yes Never a guy Never a guy I've been invited over She likes you Andrew I've been invited over You're very cute No but this guy By the way When we went bowling When we were in that bowling league At the fucking Roosevelt Yeah Yeah His wife came one time And you guys brought a girl Right or she was meeting you guys there Or something like that I have no idea what you're talking about Yeah Right on Right on Anyway yes Hey Nicole Yeah they do That's incredible The fucking party animals dude I love it Yeah And it's a lot fun because uh when people and we're very successful when we try to do that kind of thing because when people see a a hot asian and a dwarf i mean you're clicking i'm clicking that's everything on the bucket list like you can't yeah literally it's three for three it's you have a dwarf you have an asian woman and it's a threesome it's's the three things that people are looking for.
Yeah. I want to fuck two other people.

One could be, a dwarf would be neat.

Yeah.

And an Asian woman.

Yeah.

It's it.

It's great.

It's funny.

When I watch some porn, I always, sometimes, every once in a while, I'll experiment.

And I'll look up Asian, not Asian, dwarf man.

Right?

And whenever I can find a dwarf man with, you know.

Just one guy jerking off? No, no. A dwarf man making love to a woman right something about it I just it really does it for me what do you think it is I think maybe I relate to the dwarf man I don't know what it is you see yourself I think I see myself in him but I like that be back to Rudy go ahead so yeah that's how I met my wife okay next question so good at this I at this.
I don't know. You're doing good.
I'm serious. No, you're doing great.
The first question was a banger. Yeah, you're good.
Don't be shy. Whatever comes to mind.
Whatever comes to mind. Whatever.
Yeah, yeah. There's no limits.
There's no holds barred here. No wrong answers.
Have you tried... Go!

A dating app that's only for little people?

That's a good question.

That's a good question.

I have not tried it, but there is one.

What's it called?

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let's guess.

Give us a chance.

Give us a chance over here.

Yeah. All the moment he was like, what's it was like I don't know if it's still there I got one Fumble Is it called fumble? Oh my god Bobby I take back every bad thing I've ever said about you.

That was the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. Oh my fucking god.

If Thumble isn't...

If that's not a publicly traded company soon,

Thumble is so good, Bob.

That's so great.

Wow!

Thumble.

Thumble.

That is right up there.

Okay, you know, Bobby, did you ever do the Opie and Anthony show? Yeah, a million times. Anthony, one time I was on the show, and they asked me if any dwarves get mad at me because I do stand up and I say the word midget and stuff like that.
And Anthony stops and goes, yeah, does anyone call you an Uncle Tom Thumb? That's really good. And you're right up there with Thumble.
Thumble is that. That's right there, man.
That's great, Bobby. You still say the M word? Yeah.
But I say all of it. I say dwarf, short stature, LP, little person.
But I thought dwarf is okay. Yeah, it is.
But M is not okay. M is not okay for a lot of people.
I would say most don't like you to say M. Yeah, but see, for me it's all about the context and how you're using it because and I told this story on Marin so I apologize if you're hearing it for a second time.
But when I did a show in Odessa, Texas and there was a heckler and we had to kick him out and at the end of the night, show's done. I'm walking to the car with this other comedian, and we see these lights turn on, and it's a truck.
Oh, my God. They start driving towards us, and some guy leans out the window and just yells out, kill the dwarf! He said, kill the dwarf.
Jesus Christ. So I wasn't like, oh, thank you for using the proper term.
All right, Rudy, go ahead. More questions for Brad.
I know you've got them lined up. Okay.
Do you poo every day? Yeah. How do you think they make...
Time out. Time out.
I don't know. Wait, how do you think they make Time out Time out, time out, time out I don't know Wait How do you think we got these things in here? So good Yes Reese's Pieces Yeah, where the fuck do you think these things came from? The North Pole, you fucking idiot.
But think about that question, right? She equates size with frequency of bowel movement. Do you poo every day? Yeah, that's insane.
So you think that the food goes through the body? No, because I don't poo every day. I just want to know.
You would think that he would poo more often. Yeah, because it's a shorter way to express it.
That's why I'm asking. No, but that's not what you're asking.
You're asking as if, like, do they poo every other day? No, just him. Because I don't poo every day.
Yeah, so do you poo every day? Yeah. Or you would have asked, how many times a day do you poo? Right? So I don't think that was the question.
Anyway. No, no, no.
That's interesting, though. Let her.
It's fine. It's her question.
Let her dig out of this. So I'll ask it again Whatever you want Well yes So to answer your question Yes I have a bowel movement Every day And Thank God And I don't even know If they're a sponsor Of this show If not They should sponsor me Just in general Who My tour should be sponsored By these people Squatty potty Oh right right right Yeah love me a squatty potty what's a squatty potty what do you mean they used to basically show basically your legs are on the toilet yeah your legs are on that little thing we used to we they used to sponsor the show it's what this apple box is but while you're shitting oh wow and it's designed to go oh yeah i've seen those you know you used to sponsor our show yeah yeah i remember yeah yeah it's an amazing product yeah it's great I love it and please sponsor my tour it straightens out your intestines you know they say your intestines if you unraveled them would wrap around the earth multiple times do you know that what my own intestines would wrap around the earth yeah multiple I think it's twice or something like that something insane did you ever.
Did you ever see a... That's not true.
Google it right now. Prove that I'm right.
One human being's intestines will travel around the world. Your intestines can wrap around the earth when they're unwound.
Veins. Oh, maybe it's vascular.
It's something that can wrap around the fucking earth. I forget what it is.
Your blood vessels can stretch around the earth twice. Two times.
Your blood vessels. There's so many blood vessels.
They say six. That's insane.
No, no. It says it cannot stretch around.

Oh, twice.

Your blood vessels can stretch around the earth twice.

Brad's can stretch around a basketball book twice.

Stop it.

It's not even funny.

It's not even funny.

All right, go.

One more question, Rudy.

Come on.

Make it count.

Yeah.

Make it count.

Make it count.

I don't know.

Do you poo every day?

Might have been one of the best ones.

Yeah, yeah.

Be the winner.

Let's try one more.

You know she's got another one rattling around that brain of hers.

So much creative energy.

You ever looked at a dwarf?

Okay.

Go ahead.

Have you met Peter Dinklage?

We call him King Dwarf.

He rules.

I have not met him.

He refuses to go to the meetings.

Bastard.

He tried to take the dwarves out of the new Snow White movie.

Did he really?

Really?

Well, that was the thing he said on Marin.

That he was like, they're redoing, they're doing a live action Snow White.

And they made Snow White a Latina, which is great. Makes sense.
And then they had a... Snow Brown.
Yeah. And then he said, yeah, but they're trying to make this woke Snow White, but they're still having the dwarves in it.
You know what made me mad? See, that doesn't make any sense. The dwarves are people.
Why wouldn't they still be in it? It was just about a girl and her friends. Yeah.
So this bitch liked dwarves. Yeah.
Would be made into a live action film. Disney said Tuesday it was consulting with members of the dwarfism community.
Who are these members? Yeah, were they at the meeting? Where's, like, do we have... Dude, you gotta be in that movie.
Where's the dwarf Al Sharpton? Which one? Are you sleepy? Which one are you? I just want to see the dwarf Al Sharpton. Dude, don't Where's our guy If you don't get in that

Fucking movie

We're gonna protest

Yeah

You're in the

How many are there?

Dwarfs?

In the world?

In the snow whites

Seven

There's seven dwarves

Fucking shit it's in the title

If you're not in the

Top seven

You gotta be in the top seven

I mean yeah

Dinklage

Well who would he be?

Let's see which one

Would you be

You wouldn't be bashful

No

You wouldn't be

Dopey

You wouldn't be grumpy or sleepy

No

Dopey

You'd be either dopey

Or what's the other one?

Come on. Go over.
All right. Happy, sleepy, dokey.
Happy. Dopey.
Sneezy. Bashful.
Sneezy. You could be sneezy.
No, no. Sneezy.
No, I don't like that. A few more.
Doc. Yeah, Doc.
You could be Doc. You could be Doc.
You could be Doc. You could be Doc.
And of course Bobby will be the huntsman.

Yeah. Let me be the magic

mirror. A month ago I got an audition

or two months ago I got an audition for Time

Bandits. They're redoing Time

Bandits? Yes. And who was doing it is

anyway

and I said no.

You said no? Why? Yeah because they wanted

me to read for. Oh

the dwarf part. Yeah but they're not using

dwarf parts now. Son of a bitch.

That suck. Yeah they're like

Thank you. You said no.
Yeah, because they wanted me to read for. Oh, the dwarf part.
Yeah, but they're not using dwarf parts now. Son of a bitch.
That suck. Yeah.
They're like. Those are the time bandits.
Yeah. Well, because I.
And Taika is doing it. Yeah, that's right.
You said that. Taika is doing it.
And I go, there's no way I can't. Oh, Taika Waititi.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, and this is real.
I was in an audition right before the lockdown happened, back when we still did in-person auditions. And I think I did okay for the part, and then they looked at me and said, just so you know, so you don't get your hopes up, we're really looking for a minority hire.
Wow. And I just looked at him like, yeah? Yeah.
Because it wasn't a dwarf part. Yeah.
It was just a part. And then they're like, oh.

I'm your guy.

Yeah, I'm like, yeah, there you go.

I'm the only one that still has a separate drinking fountain.

Yeah.

So would you consider, he can be considered a minority.

What comes out of those?

Kool-Aid?

What comes out of yours?

Frusting.

How many dwarfs are there in the world, by the way?

Let me see the dwarf world population. Dwarf world population.
Yeah. How many dwarfs do you think? Stop.
Before he Googles, how many dwarfs do you in the world by the way let me see the dwarf world population dwarf world population yeah how many dwarfs do you think stop before he googles how many dwarfs do you think are in the world well because i think you might that you're right i'm doing quick math it's one in every 36 000 one in every 36 000 yeah then there's you know eight billion people i can't do that math in my head uh let let's go with,000 little people. Can I ask you a side

note? Aside from this fucking, we were talking about little

people, why does Adam Ray not like me?

Adam Ray loves you.

I was not invited to his wedding.

Oh, yeah. You were.
I was.

You were. Yeah, but why would you...

651,000, Brad. You're pretty close.

Wow!

Well, yeah, because I sensed it.

That's pretty good, right. You guys know where you are.

How many redheaded people are there in the world?

651,000. Well, the entire country of

I'll see you next time. Wow.
Wow. Well, yeah, because I sensed it.
That's pretty good, right. You guys know where you are.
How many redheaded people are there in the world? 651,000. Oh, the entire country of Ireland.
How many redheaded people in the world? Google that population. I bet there's only like a million.
I bet it's not that many more than you. What does it say? One to two percent of the human population.
Okay, so that's... That's more than 600,000.
Yeah, 70 million. 70 million.

70, 240.

Well, that's a big gap.

That's the problem because they don't fucking know.

Yeah.

Because most of us stay in hiding.

A lot of us don't come out.

You have stuff in your stockings, too, if you want to check that out. So let's...

We'll...

Come over.

Okay, that's fine.

Did you guys get Brad a stocking as a guest? No, where's where's the stocking yeah oh oh shit i didn't even okay thank you so for a for andrew and b for bobby for bobo thank you oh wow look at this what's that andrew on the north pole express look at this sweet book that I got.

What did you get, Bob?

What is that, buddy?

Is that a butt plug?

What the fuck is this?

It's coal.

Did somebody get coal in their stocking because they were a bad boy this year?

Oh, Bobby was bad.

Can I read you this book?

Don't keep doing it, Bobby.

Don't keep putting your hand in there.

Andrew sees a present wrapped neatly with a bow.

The label has a name and the wrapping seems to glow. present is for me cries Andrew with the biggest grin Andrew opens it to look inside and suddenly falls in Andrew's in the frosty woods looking at blue skies to find a world inside a box such a big surprise the signpost on the trail shows which way to go Santa's house Andrew says in awe then runs through the sparkly snow Andrew spots a village and a family up ahead Andrew grasps and can't believe they're made of gingerbread The daddy smiles at Andrew, you want to see Santa's house I guess? You'll get there so much quicker on the North Pole Express Now get in my van and I've got some treats Take off your clothes, let me warm your feet Put them in between my comfy butt cheeks now give me a kiss off we go sit on my lap it's now your seat what is this a jeffrey epstein christmas what what is this it's a christmas book uh from target on sunset kiss me little andrew kiss me right here don't bother if it cries.
That's not actually a tear. Wow.
What is this? I mean, this was at the checkout aisle. You'll be okay.
Just keep your mouth closed. Open, of course, right now.
And now take off those clothes. Wow.
Chugga chugga choo-choo in your poo-poo. Did I say that in there? No.
It sounds like lyrics from the Vanga Boys. I just made all that shit up.
But also, chugga chugga choo-choo in your poo-poo. By the way, for all the fans of the show, when Andrew starts reading the book, isolate the clip.
No, no, no show when Andrew starts reading the book isolate the clip when Andrew starts reading the book he's pissed off and just look at Bobby and someone put the song hello darkness my friend Bobby got cold and he's upset about it so Bobby say goodbye properly to our guest and say thank you for being here well be you, Brad. Thanks for being here.
Well, be honest with him. I really want...
No, okay, let's go real. Sorry.
I've always loved you. I think you're a beast.
And I think that, you know, it was a real surprise because I knew you were coming today. It was a blessing.
Merry Christmas to you. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's your Christmas miracle. Happy Hanukkah.
And happy Hanukkah. Kanye.
Happy Hanukkah, Kanye. And then...
Kyrie. and thank you It's a Christmas miracle It's your Christmas miracle Happy Hanukkah And happy Hanukkah

Kanye

Happy Hanukkah Kanye

Kanye

And then

Kyrie

And thank you for being a bad friend

Thank you for being a bad friend

I love being a bad friend

Let's have Rudy say it

And then Brad say it

Thank you for being a bad friend

Thank you for being a bad friend