The Elf On Our Shelf

Speaker 1 Two, one,

Speaker 1 happy new year.

Speaker 1 Thanks for coming out.

Speaker 1 Thanks for coming out.

Speaker 1 Hey, bad friends, did you like seeing me kiss that sweet little Asian girl on New Year's Eve?

Speaker 1 Well, if you want to celebrate New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve with me, either of those dates, I'm doing four shows, two nights at the Wilbur Theater in Boston.

Speaker 1 Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. AndrewSantino.com, Boston, show up, show out, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Eve Eve.
Also,

Speaker 1 not officially a part of the Bad Friends tour, but Bobby and I are going to be in Vancouver for Just for Laughs on February 16th.

Speaker 1 Then we're going to be in Spokane for Bad Friends on the 17th and Seattle, Washington for Bad Friends on the 18th.

Speaker 1 Those links are going to be in the description down below to buy those tickets to come see the Bad Friends beginning of the official tour that starts a month later. You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Here comes the corpse. Hil San Cro, Hil Con San Craw.

Speaker 1 Come, bump, bump. Hill.

Speaker 1 No sleiric sha.

Speaker 1 And we also have dreidel, dreidel, dreidel.

Speaker 1 I made you out of clay. Is it dreidel for ju? When you're dry and ready, I just found out I'm gay.

Speaker 1 There it is. Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls.
Boys and girls. Have you been good this year? I don't know, but you get one anyway.
Well, Asian Santa. Hello.

Speaker 1 We've brought someone from your workshop.

Speaker 1 Let me introduce. Let me introduce you.

Speaker 1 Every year, you know, I get elves all the time. Sometimes when they don't do a job good, I kill them.

Speaker 1 Oh, you kill the elves that do a bad job I drown them in ice water you know there's a lake by the you know why ice water that they're icy lake oh an icy lake it's an icy lake

Speaker 1 yeah you know how you fish you dig a hole I do ice fish yeah I put a elf in there oh you put one of your helpers inside

Speaker 1 I don't like yeah right I go die die or whatever you know right but this one right here yeah he's been with me for 89 years one of the good ones he is so fast very good in my mind, I thought he was Asian.

Speaker 1 Oh, you thought he was Asian? Oh, you're not. Why white? Why would you think he's Asian? Because he works so hard.
Not because of his height. No, no, no, no.
Oh, yeah, that too. Because he's similar.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Asian height.
That too, that too. Anyway, my favorite Erif in the workshop is Brad Williams.
Brad Williams. Williams.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's scared of Santa. Yeah, fuck you.
You don't get ice water.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, sit down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, right there.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So here's, I guess, Asian Santa.

Speaker 1 Can I speak? It's a good idea.

Speaker 1 Let's say

Speaker 1 Asian Santa's favorite

Speaker 1 helper.

Speaker 1 And how do you feel about Asian Santa? Do you get along with him? Oh, his dick is so big. It's so big.
Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he's such a vigorous lover

Speaker 1 and such a generous leader.

Speaker 1 And can I say,

Speaker 1 I'll tell you you what we're being facetious, by the way. Do you know what that means, Asian Santa? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I know Confucius. Confucius says facetious.
Is it Confucius? Yeah, Confucius says fascination.

Speaker 1 Facetiousness means he's. When he talks about your big penis on the, he's kidding.
And what do I feed you at night on Christmas Eve? Oh, the best, the best food. The best food.
Reindeer sashimi. Wow.

Speaker 1 Reindeer sashimi. The underbelly of reindeer? Fatty, fatty tissue.
Very tender. So tender.
Very tender. So reindeer Toro? Yeah, but not Rudolph because, you know, he's the leader.

Speaker 1 I can't see without him.

Speaker 1 He got the red nose. How do you see in the night so well? The rudor.

Speaker 1 As you're dashing through the

Speaker 1 eyes. Well, what? You know, let me tell you something.
You know, there's more than one Santa. I only do Asia.
Oh, you're just for Asia. Yeah, you know that, right? I can't go to Caribberrend.

Speaker 1 Imagine me coming down Caribbean, cheating. They freaked out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in, you know, Shanghai, what do they leave you? Oh, they leave me dumplings.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know almond cookie. I love the almond cookie.
Pork bow. Pork bow is good.
Yeah, yeah. Pork bow is good.
So you have you ever been to the United States and delivered gifts? No, never, never.

Speaker 1 One time, you know, Santa quoted me, the real Santa. The real Santa.

Speaker 1 You know, that's what we all get. Because the African Santa and I.
Oh, you get along. Oh, the African Santa.
Yeah. So you commiserate with other minorities.

Speaker 1 African Santa. let me tell you about african center tell me he only has to do three houses you know why

Speaker 1 they're horrible bad kids

Speaker 1 really

Speaker 1 that's african santa right there yeah there's african center yeah so he only has to do three houses now do you visit the philippines where's that

Speaker 1 no no no because it's like i'll tell you why tell me you know i'm on the mainland correct asia right yeah and at five in the morning you know my last house is probably probably, you know, Vietnam somewhere, you know,

Speaker 1 Saigon or something, you know, right? And I'm tired, you know, they don't get much anyway, you know. So, yeah, yeah.
And then it's like, I go, do I go to home, North Pole?

Speaker 1 Oh, I go to East Pole. East Pole.
Yeah, we live in East Pole.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Do you go to Europe? Do I go home back to East Pole? Right.
Or do I go all the way to a little island where they don't give a fuck about nobody. You know, I don't go.

Speaker 1 Have you ever gotten Christmas presents, Rudy Jules?

Speaker 2 From Asian Santa?

Speaker 1 No. No, See? Yeah, you've done.
No, you were bad. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I remember you.
Yeah. She's giving it to you.

Speaker 1 No, we're not giving it to her.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 I can be your helper. I can clean.

Speaker 1 Well, she could clear in.

Speaker 1 I mean, okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot.
Let's keep it going. I'm going to talk about how you can't go to North Korea.

Speaker 1 No, he delivers there. He delivers there.
Oh, I can deliver there. Yeah.
Welcome, Brad Williams, to the podcast. And happy holidays.
Thank you. I think it's now an authentic holiday episode.

Speaker 1 Yeah, with you. Yeah, with you.
Yeah, with you.

Speaker 1 It just looks right, man. Have you ever met Rudy Jules? Have you guys met before? No, not in person.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you.

Speaker 1 I've only slid into her DMs a couple of times. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. That's weird.

Speaker 1 Brad,

Speaker 1 Rudy, Jules, are there dwarves from Lagura Land? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Where? Name me one.

Speaker 2 I don't know them, but I've seen them.

Speaker 1 Where?

Speaker 2 Like when I ride like Jeepney, and they're just like, they're just like

Speaker 2 a jeep like where like you commute oh it's like a safari

Speaker 1 no no no there's a dwarf there's a dwarf safari no it's like you got a jeep

Speaker 1 they're just out in the tundra you know i mean running around they go spearfishing for dwarves wait so

Speaker 1 what in the jeepney okay so when i ride that like outside all right that's a hippie's bus from berkeley yeah yeah that's not it but wait a minute you ride around in this looking for little little people.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Do you have a net?

Speaker 1 When you find them, like, you know how when you throw us, you have to hit a fish in water, you have to aim below it.

Speaker 1 Do you have to, how low do you have to aim to hit little people that you're trying to kill on the street? I mean, this is insane. You do this.

Speaker 1 They have one of those scoopers like those carts have at the golf driving range. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just roll us up. Yeah, just roll up.
So you're just collecting little people. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's nuts.
It's a Filipino trip. I'm into it.
That's why I've never been there. Do they drive the thing?

Speaker 2 No, like sometimes I like I usually

Speaker 2 drive that and then sometimes I just see them like in the streets like sitting and then just walking around.

Speaker 1 How do you know they're not kids?

Speaker 1 Yeah, how do you know? Yeah, how do you know? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Check your pubic hair. Yeah, how do you know? Is it kids or maybe you're seeing like a thicker kid? Because

Speaker 1 Filipinos.

Speaker 1 In general, not that tall. Vic.
Right, exactly.

Speaker 1 And you have a half Asian wife. I do.
Well, no, your wife is Asian. You have a half Asian baby.
Yes. So your wife is not fully Asian.

Speaker 1 She's half Chinese, so we have a

Speaker 1 quarter Chinese. But your wife's half Chinese and half what?

Speaker 1 We don't know. Oh, wow.
The mystery. Yeah.
That's like Bobby. We don't know.
Yeah. So your baby is what now?

Speaker 1 Home. I know, but she's a quarter.
She's a quarter.

Speaker 1 Quarter Chinese.

Speaker 1 And then 50% white.

Speaker 1 Probably. 50% white? Probably more than that.
No, 25% of the dwarf party. He's native.
Oh, he is. Oh, my God.
I'm from America. We don't have our own land.
That's right. He's native.
Oh, yeah, my bad.

Speaker 1 I mean, we have our own park in China, but that's a whole nother story. What's that? Ah, thank you.
Gave bread an apple. There we go.
That's cool. That's cool.
Now I could, you know.

Speaker 1 Do you feel better that way or not? Yeah, it puts my back in a line. Well, because

Speaker 1 those seats are so. The fact that we got these seats for them is so mean for our guests.
Yeah. Because they're not good for anybody.
That's true. But are they fun to look at? They're fun to look at.

Speaker 1 You better believe it. Because I intend to say something.
You're probably so hard hard to follow

Speaker 1 on stand-up.

Speaker 1 I thought you were like in the streets.

Speaker 1 That's easy. Small steps.
That's easy. I know why you duck behind things.
It's very hard to follow. Well, you're hard.
You know what? You're hard to find, not to follow. Yes.
I got you once I got you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, I kind of stand out.

Speaker 1 But before that, sneaky, sneaky people. Oh, they're sneaky people.
So wait a minute. You're saying I'm feeling I'm being canceled.
No, not sneaky people, but sneaky.

Speaker 1 Why are you being canceled? Well, I don't want to, like, you know, anyway. Joke about one of our friends.
It's all right. It takes a long time for a dwarf to write a letter.
You're fine. A small hand.

Speaker 1 Yeah, small hand. I didn't know.

Speaker 1 You ever seen him on his computer? Oh.

Speaker 1 All right, right. I got to run over, jump on the A.
Run over, jump on the L. Right, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a whole ordeal. I don't like to write a letter.
The moment he makes a mistake, he's like, ah, delete is so far away. So far away.
It's a bigger key.

Speaker 1 I got to get another friend to hop on it with me. Right.
It's not that. He's consistent, maybe.
What do you mean, Brad's hard to follow? He's a great comic. Is that what you're saying?

Speaker 1 Is that what you're trying to say? Very good standout. He's a great comic.
Thank you, Bob. And you have a residency in Vegas.
Is that what it is? I had one, yeah. What happened to it?

Speaker 1 My contract ran up.

Speaker 1 Show up the show. What's it called again? It's called Mad Apple.
I was in Mad Apple, the Cirque de Soleil show in Las Vegas. I helped watch it.
Yeah, it was a blast.

Speaker 1 I went on after the guys that juggle each other with their feet. Wow.
Look at that thing. Yeah.
You did that. How many shows a week?

Speaker 1 10. 10 shows a night.
10 a week. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Two shows a night. Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. Thursday, Friday.

Speaker 1 We had Wednesday, Thursday off. That was our weekends.
Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was a blast. I did it for, like I said, like four months, and it was wonderful.
I like being in a circuit solato. I worked 10 minutes each show.
Amazing. It was great.

Speaker 1 And you want to do another run or no?

Speaker 1 The answer to every question is always money. Yeah.
How much? Yeah. That's what he responds.
How much? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they didn't pay you enough.

Speaker 1 They did it first, and then we started seeing my stock kind of rise and things like that. So we're like, all right, now if you want to do it again,

Speaker 1 you got to pay me more. And they're like, no.
There he is.

Speaker 1 That's you presenting? Yeah. Oh, that was me at the launch.

Speaker 1 There's me on stage. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it was a blast. They're an amazing company to work for.
I got free physical therapy. So you

Speaker 1 went there and did, what do you do when you open up the show? You do like 15 minutes up top? 10 minutes. You do 10 minutes of stand-up.
So physical therapy.

Speaker 1 How long for a, I mean, it's not probably not that long. I I mean, it's probably like, beep, and then it's done.
They go, you press on the spine, beep, with the finger, and then. I got you, Brad.

Speaker 1 I'm healed. I'm healed.
I'm good. Satika done.
Free physical therapy is good. I'm only like an inch taller than him.
I don't know why I'm making these jokes. I know.
That's so fucking silly.

Speaker 1 That's why you're making the jokes. Because you're like, oh, ego boost.
Brad's here.

Speaker 1 I can finally get these jokes out. You think you can beat me up? Oh, yeah.
Big time. Yeah, you always say that.
My money is on Brad, like, with, I mean, without

Speaker 1 shadow of a doubt. What, in any fighting or

Speaker 1 yeah, like I wrestled in high school, so okay, me too. So did he? Oh, he did? Yeah.
Ooh, okay. That'd be fun.
Okay, but like, but like, how old are you now, Bobby? 51. 51? Yeah, what are you? 38.

Speaker 1 But that's like 51 in dwarf.

Speaker 1 Yes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah, so yeah, we're about to say.
We're about to say, I think it's a good tale to say. It's a good tale.
Yeah, that'd be fun. He's got the reach advantage.

Speaker 1 Boxing, he could probably beat me. I don't know.
Taekwondo, definitely. That's a leg martial art.
Leg is definitely good. Yeah, leg will fuck you.
But when it comes to grappling,

Speaker 1 like UFC rules, rules, maybe, if you can get a hold of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, because he's got the holds down. Yeah, dude.
I'm pretty good, though.

Speaker 1 How do you think he fucking made a baby with his wife? That's all holds. That was all holes.
And she's tall, right? How tall is she? She's 6'4 ⁇ .

Speaker 1 Yeah, to me. No, she's 5'8 ⁇ , right? Yeah, 5'8.
And how tall are you? 4'4 ⁇ . So, yeah.
Wow. Everyone, when they see us together, is like, fuck, that dude must be rich.
Yeah. Like,

Speaker 1 they know. I know.
It's just your dick. Can I say something to you?

Speaker 1 Tall dick. Doesn't it infuriate you? Because when I used to date, I used to date taller women, and people always make remarks.

Speaker 1 Doesn't it make you angry? Somehow, I don't think they make remarks to him the way they do to you.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Well, because I have like a whole,

Speaker 1 I have a condition. You're just small.
No, no, he has a condition.

Speaker 1 That hurt, but

Speaker 1 that hurt, but I'll let that slide. Right, for him,

Speaker 1 it's like recognized by the government and our society. With you, it's just unfortunate.
Right, but can I ask you this? Which sucks because there's nothing we can do about it.

Speaker 1 It's not like we're doing something to be our height. Yeah, but you use yours to your advantage to build character.

Speaker 1 Bobby's doesn't really, there's no plus. Oh, there's nothing that's good for him.
It's all minus. It's all minus.
All minus. He doesn't have an organization he can join.
Like, I can go to meetings.

Speaker 1 Right. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I go to your meetings?

Speaker 1 How tall are you? Five, five, five. Five, three.

Speaker 1 Five, three. Five, three, five, four in the good day.
That's what we said. No.
Too tall.

Speaker 1 What's the height then, limit? Five? Lie. Five, five is a lie.

Speaker 1 Five, five? Google it. Five, five.

Speaker 1 410. 410 is the limit.
Are you being real? Yeah. That's the legal limit.
Yeah. If you're 4'10 or below, you are legally considered.

Speaker 1 What if a dwarf had

Speaker 1 gigantism?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? That's insane.

Speaker 1 If a dwarf had gigantism,

Speaker 1 he would be 5'4.

Speaker 1 There got to be.

Speaker 1 Now there are.

Speaker 1 Adam Raynor was a dwarf and a giant at the exact same time. Exactly.
Yeah, yeah. Bobby was right.
I was right. What? Which one? Oh, my God.
He's eight? What? No, that's not the first.

Speaker 1 That's him standing on someone's shoulders.

Speaker 1 Go back to all and let's see. Yeah.
Go back to the actual post. Click on the post itself.
Adam Raynor. The insane story of a man who was born a dwarf and died a giant.
Wow, wow.

Speaker 1 So obviously what happened was he was born a dwarf and then the pituitary gland

Speaker 1 overflowed. Isn't that what happens, right, when you become a giant? Giants, you're

Speaker 1 giantism. Gigantism.
Yeah, it's usually a cyst on your pituitary, which means you grow, it's throwing all of this. Andre the Giant had it, the rest of the big show.
Right.

Speaker 1 But it's great in a circus because you can reinvent yourself.

Speaker 1 Right? You're a dwarf in the circus, and they're like, ah, we've seen it. And all of a sudden, the next day is like, oh, this is a new thing.

Speaker 1 Look at the tits on her.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is actually really.

Speaker 1 God bless Adam Raynor. Yeah.
Oh, look at that.

Speaker 1 Look at that. Over the next decade, he grew from just under 410, half-to-be, to a shocking 7-1 during this period.
Rayner also began developing a severe spinal

Speaker 1 contusion. What is that? Curvature.
Curvature.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, it's natural. You go from 410 to 7-1 in a year.
Right. That's three feet.
I imagine that didn't feel too good. That's nuts to be.
Good God, man. Oh, God's crazy.
But imagine.

Speaker 1 Mad scientist. When he was a dwarf.
Yes. He had a big pipe, and he thought, look at me.
Yeah. And at 7-1, not so big anymore.
See,

Speaker 1 it's all about perspective. That's right.
People ask me all the time, they're like, oh, Brad, dwarves, do you have big dicks? Go, no, but on, but on me, it looks fucking huge. Yeah, 100%.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've seen Brad lean forward with no hands like a kickstand. Yeah.
I've seen him do it. I can't fall over.
It's nuts. It's nuts.
Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down.

Speaker 1 Can I make another observation?

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm not an uppity Asian. Like,

Speaker 1 there's comics, right, that are. Who's an uppity Asian? I don't want to name it names.
Name names.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, he's a talented guy, and I like him, right? But Ronnie Chang. You think he's an uppity Asian? To me, in my

Speaker 1 circle of, I mean,

Speaker 1 you mean he's very judgy of people like no, no, no. I just think he's elevated.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, you can't, like, go up to him and do an accent or whatever. Right, right, right.
Right, but I feel like Peter Dinklage is umpity, right?

Speaker 1 And you're, you're, like, more like me.

Speaker 1 Like, we can take jokes and stuff, is what I'm saying. This is interesting.
You think Dinky would be a Dinky?

Speaker 1 Why? That's a whole tinky. That's a horrible dick.
I was trying to give him a nickname, and it just came out.

Speaker 1 Very condescending. You think little Dinkler? You think Dinkledge would be an uppity

Speaker 1 dwarf? Like if Brad made a joke? Because here's the deal. Brad, one of our long, long, long, long buddies.

Speaker 1 He's able to make great jokes about himself, take the piss of himself, as we say, to kind of like lighten the load of the world.

Speaker 1 And obviously wants to be treated with respect. Give me another Apple Box.
Yes. But the guy's got a great sense of humor about it.
But do you think...

Speaker 1 Right, that's a valid question. Do you think Dinklich, like you imagine, okay, look, you're on the set of a movie.
Yeah. You go up to Peter and you're like, hey, man, great to to meet you.

Speaker 1 He's like, hey, and you throw out a classic Brad joke. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, you've got him fucking in the chamber. I know you do.
And he looks at you and is like, I don't really fuck with that shit.

Speaker 1 Do you think that would be him or do you think he'd laugh along and make a joke with you?

Speaker 1 I think that might be him because he's the guy that when he hosted Saturday Night Live, he told the writers no dwarf jokes in the entire show.

Speaker 1 So none of the sketches have anything to do with him being a little person. It's never referenced.
Wow. And you,

Speaker 1 if you've got the hostess on the bottom. Oh, fire away.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 The castamers would have a cannon. They would lean on him.
Use him as a fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 They don't give fuck.

Speaker 1 I would play the part.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would play the part of Pete Davidson's dick.

Speaker 1 That would be my part on SNL. See, but that's, look, I think I understand his prerogative, but

Speaker 1 I get the perspective of shitting on ourselves. It's way more fun.
It's way more fun. And

Speaker 1 that, and kind of like what you said,

Speaker 1 it takes the bullets out of the other person's gun because you're like, oh, now you can't make fun of me for this because I'm already doing it.

Speaker 1 So I like doing it, but obviously I'm not one to tell Peter that he's doing it wrong. He's amazingly successful and talented.
Yeah, he knows what he's doing. That's one of the reasons why I did him.

Speaker 1 And yet, he's not on bad friends. And also, and yet, he did that Gary Oldman movie.
Oh,

Speaker 1 you mean the most offensive movie ever? Yeah, yeah, he did the most tiptoes. I can break it.
He was in the most offensive movie ever made.

Speaker 1 You would have done that movie. Oh, dude, everyone, look at the trailer tiptoes.
Where Gary Oldman did shortleg. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
yeah, yeah. We've shown it on this show.
Yeah, we have shown it.

Speaker 1 Because we know how much you love tiptoes.

Speaker 1 In fact, one of the searches, the top search is Tiptoes movie clip from our show. Yeah.
It is? Don't show it. Yeah, we have to show it.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, look back to the search real fast for a while.

Speaker 1 Like two Academy Award winners. Yeah, there's Andrew.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Just

Speaker 1 Andrew Santino rips Tiptoes. Says Gary Oldman can't act his way out of a paperback.
Guy can't act. Did you see the movie? I did.

Speaker 1 I watched it and reviewed it for. They have to.
It's a popular.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see. Yeah.
Hey, never find yourself in this scenario.

Speaker 1 That is why we watch 100%. It's teaching a lesson.
It's the worst fucking movie ever.

Speaker 1 But, like, there's so much shit I could break down about that movie that's just like... Like, the way some people watch The Godfather, I watch Tiptoes for the exact opposite reason.
Wow.

Speaker 1 To just break it down. It's a case study.
Yeah. What is the most offensive thing about the movie? Oh, well, I mean.
Aside from the Gary Oldman story. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Gary Oldman being on his knees and his arms

Speaker 1 and his shoulders pinned back

Speaker 1 so his arms are smaller. That's pretty fucking wrong.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But then, what was the other one?

Speaker 1 They went to an all-dwarf party. Oh, right.
During that one. Oh, right, right.

Speaker 1 That's where Peter Dinklich was, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, in the world of. Peter Dinklich's accent was very offensive because he was like saying it was like he said something that and then his accent wasn't consistent the entire time.

Speaker 1 That's a pretty good dwarf dance.

Speaker 1 That's McConaughey. He's not a dwarf.
Oh, I'm sorry, my bad. Oh, that's McConaughey, my bad.
There's multiple Oscar winners in this movie. That's the crazy movie.

Speaker 1 In the world of, let's not prop tiptoes up anymore. Yeah.
In the world of wokeness. But it's available on Amazon Prime.
If you want to see the worst movie ever, it's available on Amazon.

Speaker 1 In the world of wokeness and equality,

Speaker 1 do you think there should be an all-dwarf movie? I mean. or show or TV show.
Show, yeah. I'm actually

Speaker 1 pitching one of those right now.

Speaker 1 And no tallies.

Speaker 1 I mean, they're going to be the victims. There it is.
Ah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Victims of what? Like murder?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's an all-dwarf murder show. It's a dwarf murder show.
It's fun. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Murder podcasts are real big. So we're trying to do like, all right, there needs to be a

Speaker 1 dwarf serial killer.

Speaker 1 Has there ever been one? I mean, maybe not killer, but definitely like

Speaker 1 ACL terror or something like that.

Speaker 1 Caieto Santos Corino.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't know. I thought one guy.
Also known as Epesito Orejudo. The big-eared midget was an Argentinian serial killer who terrorized.

Speaker 1 El Petizo orejudo. Say it again.
Say it how you're supposed to say it. El petizo orejudo.
El petizo orejudo. The big-eared midget was an Argentinian serial killer who.
Say that again.

Speaker 1 I'm reading Wikipedia.

Speaker 1 There's no way to say that without laughing. Now I know

Speaker 1 I know how I will identify bad friends fans in the audiences of my stand-up. Because they're going to call you

Speaker 1 Petiso. Petiso Rejudo.

Speaker 1 They're going to yell it out. So this guy was a serial killer in Argentina when he was 16 years old.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Go to his Wikipedia. Let's find out how he died.

Speaker 1 I want to see how he was. Like, I wish he would have been a boxer and that's how he would have been announced.
Or like, you know, like a UFC fighter. El Petiso,

Speaker 1 Ron Rudol!

Speaker 1 That's great.

Speaker 1 And he died from what? Who killed him? Someone finally got him back. The curb.
It was too high.

Speaker 1 Somebody bumped into him.

Speaker 1 All right, so go on that. Go zoom into

Speaker 1 his photo in the thing below it. It says how many murdered.
Four murdered. Is that what it says?

Speaker 1 Four murdered. That's a lot for him.
Hey, that's a lot for us. This is my favorite.
Four murdered, two assaulted, five attempted. Couldn't get the job done.

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I'm getting old. Yeah, you are.
Yeah, my penis sometimes sleepy.

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Speaker 1 And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast. You know what? That actually makes me proud that there are.
You're represented. Yeah.
Why do you do a biopic about this guy, Brad?

Speaker 1 Play him. I got to now.
I didn't know. Well, they're going to say he's not Hispanic.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he is. Yeah, he is.
I mean. Guys from Denver.
Oh, yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm from Orange County, but fuck it.

Speaker 1 Well, you're a Denver fan. Yeah, I'm a Denver fan.
That's where I associate you. Sex this year.
I forgot that you're from Orange County. I forgot anybody's from there.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm the whitest of the white. Orange County? That is so white.
It is really. It's unfortunate, to be honest with you.
Do you know where Orange County is? Oh, you've never been down there? No.

Speaker 1 You would love it down there. Why? It's all white.
Jesus.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's what you love.
All whitey, whitey. No, it's.
I don't know whether it's. No, it's all white.

Speaker 1 It's white and then a lot of Asian. My high school in Orange County was 58% Asian.
What kind?

Speaker 1 Mostly Korean. Oh, I meant good or bad.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Mostly Korean down there. Yeah.
But that's funny because you're San Diego. But I understand military kids down by you mostly is what you got.
You grew up with military kids, right? No.

Speaker 1 You didn't have a lot of military kids? A lot of white people, but not military.

Speaker 1 That was more like near Mesa, maybe. Right, right, right.
Oh, that's more, that's North. Papoway now, but there was a lot of whites.
A lot of whites. Yeah.

Speaker 1 A lot of whites. And God bless.
You know what I mean? And I love the whites.

Speaker 1 Great people. All right.
Slow down.

Speaker 1 You don't, so don't. No, you guys invented electricity.
It's great.

Speaker 1 You want to get into inventions?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll get into inventions. What did Koreans invent?

Speaker 1 Holy shit. That's a good one.

Speaker 1 Just put in the

Speaker 1 Kim Jong-un's haircut. All right, so Koreans invented internet cafe.
Okay. Great one.
Be honest. Milk cartons? Dude.

Speaker 1 How do we carry our milk if we're not going to be able to do that? Listen to this list, you guys. Cheering balloon sticks.

Speaker 1 You're like changing the game. Yeah, yeah.
What is it? Rain game. What about the third? MP.
What did it say? MP3? MP3s. Okay.
Oh, that thing we never use anymore. But we did

Speaker 1 for like an hour. Yeah.
I don't know. I'd hang your head on cheering balloon sticks.
Yeah. Yeah.
What's this last one? What does that say? Milk cartons. Milk and egg cartons.
Oh, egg cartons.

Speaker 1 God bless. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You've invented the wraparound TV? So, you know, watch your fucking tone.

Speaker 1 No, I just said that you guys are fucking amazing, man. I know you're being facetious.
Confucius says you're being facetious. Are there any dwarf inventions besides

Speaker 1 the Google app? Besides like devices we have to use to wipe our ass? I was going to say, I bet you guys, by way of us struggling through things, have invented some dope shit.

Speaker 1 I mean, I've got a claw that like closes my trunk of my car. Oh, you do? Do you really? Wait, it's not on boop, boop, it's not a bad thing.
It doesn't do.

Speaker 1 It's a 2014, and they didn't really have it. So, you know what's crazy

Speaker 1 on the trunk of my car? Yeah. They have this thing for they've a lot of companies have this now.

Speaker 1 Where let's say you have groceries in your hand, you can wave your foot under the back bumper, and it'll close just by waving your foot. There's a sensor.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Imagine you just walk right under it and walk right the back out. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I know what you guys invented. Probably stilts.

Speaker 1 Rival pink. Lifts Lips.
Shoe lips. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Got to ride those roller coasters somehow. By the way, look at this guy.
This is Carlos, our favorite. He writes, has a dwarf invented anything?

Speaker 1 So condescended. That's so condescending.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there's folklore.
Well, German folklore.

Speaker 1 Oh, is you been invented? Oh, you know what?

Speaker 1 A dwarf has invented something.

Speaker 1 I do know one dwarf inventor. Not necessarily an inventor, but he...
All right.

Speaker 1 The map of the human body, like how, like modern medicine, like, where the organs are and everything like that, was a dwarf. I think it was an Italian dwarf.

Speaker 1 Fuck, I don't know his name. But yeah.
Look at him. You're down here.
I've got the map of the body.

Speaker 1 Was it Mario? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a me. It's a me.
I drew a map out of the human body. Wait, Mario is dwarf, right? Yahoo! Yeah, yeah, exactly.
I mean, Toad is. Oh, wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 1 Toad definitely is. Dude, how was that guy Italian and Japanese at the exact same time? Yeah, there you go.
How is Mario an Italian and Japanese dwarf?

Speaker 1 He was the first mixed-race couple that's so Japanese.

Speaker 1 Here we go. Do they have Mario, like in the Philippines?

Speaker 2 Yeah, we do.

Speaker 1 What do they, what game is that?

Speaker 2 It's the racing.

Speaker 1 What was the original game Mario was in? This is great. It's not Leonardo.
Who made the first diagram of the human body? Leonardo da Vinci. He wasn't tall.
He's a dwarf. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How tall was Leonardo da Vinci?

Speaker 1 Let's find this out. Because you might.
Why did you lie? No, no, no, no, no he might

Speaker 1 Leonardo da Vinci was 5'9 okay so now just out of your range did you just make that up or no I I saw it on uh uh uh Cosmos with Neil with Neil deGrasse Tyson what does that guy know he doesn't know

Speaker 1 that was really sad what you just you throw out one guy and it's not even true no it is we gotta find yeah yeah I forget what he did or what he discovered or maybe it was like he did it for the dwarf body

Speaker 1 in Philadelphia there's a there's a museum there called the mutter museum of medical oddities and I went there because we go to these cities multiple times you get to see all the stuff and you're like all right I gotta see something different and I and I went to that museum and there's there's a full like dwarf skeleton right as you walked in it was weird

Speaker 1 just a skeleton of a dwarf yeah and it was my type of dwarfism so like everyone else who was there like probably thought it was checking on my grandfather or something

Speaker 1 What's your type?

Speaker 1 Happy. That would have been.

Speaker 1 What's your type? I have. Bro, bro.
I know. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bro.

Speaker 1 Bro. Bro.
Yeah, that's it. Honey, I shrunk Brad.

Speaker 1 Brad, what is the type of dwarfism you have? I have achondroplasia. Achondroplasia.
It's the most common

Speaker 1 skeleton.

Speaker 1 I've ever seen.

Speaker 1 Would that skeleton even scare you if it wasn't?

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 it's so cute. I literally want one.
Fancy lovely. It's like,

Speaker 1 bro, if that thing came from the grave,

Speaker 1 we wouldn't be scared. Boo!

Speaker 1 Hi. Hi.
Oh, my God. That's the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Oh, I'm going to skull.

Speaker 1 Wow. Whatever dwarf

Speaker 1 organization is going to get us for this.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know, right? LPA. LPA.
You need to do that. Little People of America.
Yeah. They're getting us.
Wait, there is one? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Little People of America. Yes.
And they have power?

Speaker 1 I mean, definitely Like eight volts of it, maybe.

Speaker 1 No, in terms of like, it's like a little bit of a bunch of people. They're lobbying power.
They have a lot of power.

Speaker 1 That's that condescending.

Speaker 1 I'm literally learning about an organization. You know what kind of lobbying power they have? Organization.

Speaker 1 You ever heard of Reaching Across the Aisle? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That technically used to be called Reaching Across the Aisle over the dwarfs. That's what it was.
That's how rude it was. They have no lobbying power whatsoever.
Look at them.

Speaker 1 LPA is Little People of America. Yeah.
Wow. Make no mistake.
Brad is someone we love and respect. We love.
We are just having having fun, LPA. His wife is beautiful.
He's a great stand-up.

Speaker 1 I don't view him as anything.

Speaker 1 That sounds terrible. I don't view him as anything.

Speaker 1 I don't exist. I'm so sorry.
I'm going to edit that out. No, leave that in.
Method, you have to leave that in. He's real.
I love you. Leave it in.
Yeah, I don't view you as anything.

Speaker 1 You're not even a human to me. No, you fucking cool.
Come on. I will say this, though.
Being buddies with Brad and going out to dinner with Brad in the real world.

Speaker 1 You've never eaten together, have you? No? No. I think we have.
We must have. One time at the Calusa Casino.
That's right.

Speaker 1 We at a dinner, and that's when I saw your penis. So

Speaker 1 Bradley and I will...

Speaker 1 And yours is bigger. Yeah.
That's right.

Speaker 1 Which is sad for me.

Speaker 1 Brad and I went out. Well, we've gone out multiple times and steak.
And I will say this about fucking Brad.

Speaker 1 LP aside, this motherfucker. Yep.

Speaker 1 Can fucking eat. It's insane.
And he'll go. He'll do this thing where he's like, no, no, no, no, I had less.
I'm smaller than you guys. Nah.
The guy had more than I had, wants to pay half.

Speaker 1 That's what he says. I pay less.
I eat less.

Speaker 1 It makes sense. This guy gets a tomahawk steak.
Yeah. Finishes the whole thing.
I'm not kidding. Like 32-ounce fucking wow.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Doesn't even fucking think twice. Yeah.
Well, yeah. I get a baseball filet.
This guy's fucking, he's got the whole cow in front of him.

Speaker 1 It's a Napoleon complex. I feel like I have to prove myself every time.

Speaker 1 Every time we go out for steak, you finish like the past. Do you think about Napoleon? Sure.

Speaker 1 I don't know anything about it. I know, but I, because I've heard that before.
Pretend you do. Yeah, yeah.
So they say Napoleon complex. So you assume that Napoleon was small? He was always.

Speaker 1 He was 5'6. Yeah.
That's average height

Speaker 1 for that era. Yeah.
Right. So what's why did they say Napoleon complex?

Speaker 1 There's a story behind it. Like it was like, that's how his enemies made fun of him.
And then that's the, like, that's the rumor that just spread. But

Speaker 1 you're right. He wasn't actually that small.
Well, they call him small man syndrome. Apparently, he was a tinier man.
So he might have been 5'6, but he wasn't like thick at all. He's skinny.

Speaker 1 So a skinny 5'6 is small. That's quite small.
That's true. Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? Like Carlos.

Speaker 1 How tall are you, Carlos? 5'6. 5'6's.
But Carlos is like

Speaker 1 cancer skinny.

Speaker 1 Right. Like six skinny.
Right. Yeah, like something.
Yeah, yeah. Like it's painted.
Something happened. Something happened.
I didn't even know that. Stage four something.

Speaker 1 You don't know how skinny you are? You're the skinniest person I've ever met in my fucking life. Are you serious? How much do you weigh?

Speaker 1 Like 130. Holy 30 pounds? That's the same weight.
That's me in sixth grade. That's Brad.
Brad's 130 pounds. I'm 4'4 and I'm the same weight as you.
You weigh the same as a 4'4 man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So obviously, so yeah, obviously. There's a wake-up call.

Speaker 1 Well wake up. Start beefing up, buddy.
Okay. No, you are.
You've always been thin since I've known you. You've never been, you've never even been like pudgy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think I like I would fluctuate a little bit, but no, but not like. Are you one of those guys and you could eat like anything and then the next day, like you never gain gain weight?

Speaker 1 No, I'm actually just super strict about what I eat.

Speaker 1 He's got an eating disorder. Okay.
Oh, like he doesn't? Just say it. Does he? I probably have a small one, honestly.
Yeah, like, that's very condescending.

Speaker 1 Like, you feel like when you eat something unhealthy,

Speaker 1 when you eat something unhealthy, you're like, bad, Carlos. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I feel like shit for that. That's not good.
Bobby, do you do that? What?

Speaker 1 Would you eat something unhealthy? Are you like, bad, Bobby? No. Yeah, no.
Would you just have to eat for now when we just had dinner? We had eggs, bacon, and oh, yeah, crepes. Yeah, crepes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, with Nutella.

Speaker 1 and you had little sausage bits i love little sausages and toast yeah yeah and bread and you had some of max's pasta yeah it was good bread let me ask you something

Speaker 1 yeah number one i have two questions okay number one um six inches now i don't i get it

Speaker 1 i'm a believer okay you said you're four no yeah no oh yeah yeah

Speaker 1 go on okay um during when you were growing up like in middle school high school and when this time of year came about right were you bullied at all in in any way

Speaker 1 or teased? It wasn't this time of year. It was...
Anytime. All year.
Yeah. You were.
Yeah. All year.
Like, what would be something that really scarred you? Oh, geez.

Speaker 1 Well, like, but, but see, here's the thing is, I was always, and it's kind of why I'm a halfway decent comedian, is that I would literally write jokes at home. And, like, I would write comebacks.

Speaker 1 So, like, when kids would make fun of me, I would, like, I would literally like do research on them and like write jokes about them. And then when they made fun of me, I would make fun of them.

Speaker 1 And then I would have the better joke. You were made to roast.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
So, like, there's, I mean, it's a story in one of my specials, but it's true.

Speaker 1 There was when I went to kindergarten, my dad had kind of told me that this was going to happen. So, like, we wrote jokes together.

Speaker 1 And this kid ran up to me in kindergarten and went like, ha ha, you're little. And I just said, ha ha, your mom doesn't live with your dad anymore.
Oh, I love it.

Speaker 1 Because you can go there. Yeah.
And then. Yeah, go for the jugular.
I love that. I grew up in Orange Orange County, so I had about a 75% chance of giving that right.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I did. And then the kid cried, and I got sent to the principal's office because I had the better joke.
Wow. That's what's funny.
You get sent to the principal's office when you have the better joke.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's not who shot first. No.
It's who's like, oh. Who shot the kill? Yeah.
And I shot the kill. And then, yeah, and then the principal actually called my dad at work.
And then my dad...

Speaker 1 answered and then he said like well did my son start it or did he finish it and then the print then the principal goes well he finished it and And my dad goes, well, I got no problem with that. Click.

Speaker 1 Oh, it was cool. Good, dad.
What I love about it is that you used your defense mechanisms and survival techniques and you turned it into a career. Yeah.
That's fucking amazing. It's kind of cool.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's cool, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kind of like been training to be a comedian since day one. Yeah.
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See show notes for details. Displayed.
Oh, my God.

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Speaker 1 They're nice and heavy and durable, which is beautiful. Remember as a kid, you would have posters posters and they would always rip apart and fall apart and stuff.
I wish I had this.

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And look at how nice this is.

Speaker 1 It's never going to get bent or crusted up, or the corners are never going to get all cut up. They sent us a bunch of these.
Bobby immediately wanted this one.

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Speaker 1 What is Williams? Are you Irish?

Speaker 1 It's like, I'm a hodgepodge of a bunch of different things, like Dutch, Welsh. By the way, hodgepodge is a great new name for little people.

Speaker 1 Yeah, literally. See that gaggle of hodgepodges over there? The gaggle?

Speaker 1 What is a group of dwarves called? Oh. Minions, right?

Speaker 1 Insane. We'll never not bring it back.
I can't do better than that, Joe. That's pretty good.

Speaker 1 What's a group of redheaded called? Oh, you're called a knot of dwarves. A knot.
A knot? K-N-O-J.

Speaker 1 I don't like that. Well, you tie them together if they get out of control.
Oh, that's true. That's true.

Speaker 1 That's what they mean. Right.
Yes, Jesus.

Speaker 1 What do you call a group of redheads anyway, Brad? You're quick enough. You're a lot of escapes.
It's a slipknot.

Speaker 1 Okay. What's a group of redheads, Brad?

Speaker 1 A rutophilia? A rutophilia. The technical term for the fetish of redheads is rutophilia.
Oh, that's a fetish. A ginger fetish.
Oh, yeah. So, but there goes a bunch of rooties.

Speaker 1 Is there an Asian fetish? Is that even a real fucking question?

Speaker 1 It's called the internet. Asian male fetish.
It's called the internet. No, women, no.

Speaker 1 Asian women are fetishized, but not Asian men. Well, because you guys aren't at the thing.
No, what aren't you?

Speaker 1 What's it called? A large group of Asian people. What are they called? A noodle of Asians?

Speaker 1 Like Like a pride of lions.

Speaker 1 A noodle of Asians. We already clicked on it before, too.

Speaker 1 It's not a sushi boat of Asians. Yeah.
Well, you know, that does make sense because you guys are all layered on top of each other when you're together. A noodle of Asians.

Speaker 1 Like a pride of lions or a litter of kittens.

Speaker 1 I love how it gives you practical usage of it. I couldn't take a photo of that statue because there was a noodle of Asians all around it.
It's insane that somebody wrote that on the internet.

Speaker 1 The internet is so fucking insane. It's insane.

Speaker 1 You know what's offensive to that about it is that, you know, know, rice and noodles are always associated with Asians, but there's so many cultures that use those things. Not as good as you guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What do you mean? We do it the best? Yeah, by far.
You're saying we do rice the best. Yes, I agree.
Yes. Yes.

Speaker 1 So you've been to like a restaurant? Go to a fucking white person's house. The rice is going to be shit.
It's going to be shit rice. Right.
You go to an Asian.

Speaker 1 Can your wife make some fucking bomb ass rice? Fuck yeah. Different story, dude.
Way different. You don't know, man.
You go to a white. What about noodles, though? We can't.
Whites don't do it.

Speaker 1 Does Italians do it? That's spaghetti. That's different.
That's not a noodle. Pasta.
Pasta.

Speaker 1 Is a noodle pasta? Are they two different things? Two different things. What's the difference? Italians don't make noodles.
They make pasta. You guys make noodles.
Right.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you never go, can I get noodles with meatballs? No, you say. Oh, you never say that.
No, you say spaghetti with meatballs. Oh, all right.
You're right. I'm an adult.

Speaker 1 Noodles are usually made with flour milled from common wheat. Pasta is processed from Durham

Speaker 1 semolina, which is coarser than salmonella. No, no, semolina, which is coarser than typical flour.
Okay. So it's a big big deal.
I stand correctly. You make noodles.
We make pasta. Okay.
Olive garden.

Speaker 1 Right. That's their slogan.
What do you prefer, Brad? Noodles or pasta? Noodles. Fuck yeah, man.

Speaker 1 I would have said pasta eight years ago, but then I met my wife and then she made noodles the right way.

Speaker 1 And I'm just like, oh, this is way better. Pasta for me, 100%.
What do you say? Throw some fur hot. 100% pasta.
Pasta. All right.

Speaker 1 Fuck you guys. In a cold winter day.
I'm going to ask the room. Cold winter day, right? Would you rather have a bowl of spaghetti? like we have right now

Speaker 1 in Southern California? A cold winter day, 58 degrees. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. A chilly winter day.
Or would you rather have a nice bowl of ramen?

Speaker 1 I had, by the way, you're relegating it just to spaghetti. I had fettuccine with short rib last night.
So you can go fuck yourself with that bowl of ramen.

Speaker 1 In fact, we actually said, do you want ramen? Me and the old lady said, do you want ramen?

Speaker 1 I said, what if we get that place that we really love and get some fettuccine with some short rib and some of that fucking olive bread? All right. Come on.
I guess. What happened today? How about you?

Speaker 1 What happened today when

Speaker 1 I ripped that bread and I dipped it in Fred's pasta? What did you say? Don't make me say it. Say it.

Speaker 1 It was good. It was so fucking good.
He was like, don't want any bread. I ripped the bread in half.
I dip some of the pasta sauce. I put it on his plate.
You can enjoy both. Nah, we're superior.

Speaker 1 Pasta over noodles. Look, there's other things that we can't.
And we have udon, too. That's a good thing.
Udon's fine. Not as good.
Ramen over udon. What about pho? Fa is so bullshit.

Speaker 1 Follow me. Nobody likes pho.
By the way. You're getting canceled.
Pho, right? Pho is the same fat. Pho is like pink berry.
Everybody was like, whoa.

Speaker 1 And then like a year later, everyone's like, fuck this shit. This stinks.
Pho is whack. There's no flavor profile.

Speaker 1 Glass noodles are whack. See, here's my thing about pho.
You can't go get it at a place that has a funny name. They all have fucking whack noodles.
No name.

Speaker 1 Oh, you just got to go to a place that says pho. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If that's all it says, it's good. But if the name of their restaurant is...
Fobulous. Go pho yourself or whatever the hell.
Nah. it's not going to be good there.

Speaker 1 The proof in the pudding is that pho has not lasted culturally longer than it thought it was going to. It thought it was going to keep humming along.
You don't like crafty names? I like crafty names.

Speaker 1 The comedian in me likes it. Yeah.
But

Speaker 1 in my experience, the food is better at the place like, no, we don't have time for you. Is that psychological? Like this guy, you know what I mean? But let me say this.
Okay. What do people do to you?

Speaker 1 We've actually, you and I have had this personal conversation for real.

Speaker 1 What's the thing that people do the most, like at a a restaurant when you go that bothers you the most? That's something they treat you like. Oh, Jesus.
Or what they say to you.

Speaker 1 Someone always makes the joke

Speaker 1 kids' menu. Yeah, kids' menu.
They always make that joke. Booster seat, you said one time.
Yeah, and then.

Speaker 1 Your friends make that joke? No, I'm just like, ignorant people.

Speaker 1 People like people in general. That, and like, once you become known as a comedian, one day you'll get there, Bobby.

Speaker 1 Once you become known,

Speaker 1 I love them.

Speaker 1 okay please do um but like once you become known as a comedian people just people when they meet you just think they could automatically get to that level of okay we're joking with you so like I've had the thing where like the host of the restaurant recognizes me and then like looks at the group of four and goes so three and a half oh my god like and and you're just like you son of a bitch That's insane.

Speaker 1 That's so insane. You got to every day deal with that fucking bullet.

Speaker 1 You told me one time a guy said to you, you were getting, I think it was outside of Ray's old place and you were getting in your car

Speaker 1 and i think that's where it was and a guy said to you you need help getting in yeah yeah yeah oh

Speaker 1 no what and get in the car would you ever have the

Speaker 1 like why would you ever go up to someone and say that i don't know

Speaker 1 you would i don't

Speaker 1 you would never help no i was just thinking about something else sorry that made me laugh say it i can't say it and i really mean it though go ahead

Speaker 1 please dude we should invite him to magic mountain Mountain so he can hold our stuff while we're on the road.

Speaker 1 You know, because of the wall and stuff, like, he could be that guy now.

Speaker 1 I'm your own locker. You're my locker.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you guys want to rent a locker, you've never been there.
I've got to get one.

Speaker 1 Oh, I've been. There's like, there's four rides I can't ride.

Speaker 1 Which one are the four you can't? Okay. X2? No, I can ride X2.
You can? Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's 48 inches. It's the ones that are 52 inch or 54 inch.
I'll tell you what's fucking bullshit. Height requirements.
Let me make a statement right now that I stand by. Good.

Speaker 1 The fact that you're born with this,

Speaker 1 it is unhelpable.

Speaker 1 It is something that you cannot control. Right.
And they haven't fucking rigged a way to make a seat mechanism so you can ride the ride as an adult.

Speaker 1 It pisses me off because you get on a fucking airplane. You can ask for nine seatbelt extensions, something they can help a lot more than you.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying all of them, but they can help that out a lot more than you can. But you're just fucked.
Yeah, fuck. And the even more fucked up part about it is the type of dwarfism I have.

Speaker 1 My torso is average size. Yeah.
So they're making this judgment based on, well, if you're 52, like your torso is smaller, like, because your torso's puny because you're skinny as shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're a big torso.

Speaker 1 He could slip right out of a ride. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He, like, he can do it.
But then, like, most people, uh,

Speaker 1 when, like, I go to the barber chair or I go to a restaurant, they go, oh, do you need a booster seat? And I go, no, fucker. And then I sit down and I'm just as tall as everybody.

Speaker 1 Right, because your torso is longer. Yeah.
You saw my legs kick out and you laughed. I saw that.

Speaker 1 Don't do it again because he's going to keep looking at it.

Speaker 1 He got to do it again. That wasn't it.
When you fart, does your legs go up like that?

Speaker 1 Imagine when he shits. When you shit on the toilet, how fun would that be every time? I shake.
I shake.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, I'm going to stand by what I said. I think if they're going to make exception for people that are overweight and they say, well, it's a condition for them to help.

Speaker 1 They can't help it. It's like, well, then you can't help this disability.
Why isn't there a functioning thing that makes it so you could ride rides and do all that shit? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You do that with your car. You show me your car.
Yeah. I'm tricked out.

Speaker 1 The weird part is when, like, so I've been to a public bathroom before where, like, all the toilets are high, but then they have the handicapped toilet on the side. I'm like, okay, cool.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go to the handicapped toilet. I didn't realize that the handicap toilets, a lot of the times, are higher, but they just have the bars.
So now I'm doing like a gymnast routine trying to

Speaker 1 back myself up onto the toilet.

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah, the yeah,

Speaker 1 when I get into a hotel shower,

Speaker 1 the amount of times I've had to like cirque demiget up the wall to like make the spout actually point down. Oh, that must be a thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because no one, because sometimes I turn on the water and it's just hitting the back wall, and I'm like, I got nothing. So, how do you get up there? You get a chair in there or something.

Speaker 1 I've fucked up. I've literally called the front desk and had them send somebody up.
No. And like lower the shower head because I'm like, I can't take a shower.
Fuck you.

Speaker 1 And I don't want to, I don't want to die trying to climb up there and then slip.

Speaker 1 How'd Brad die? Well, the shower wasn't right. I'm not going to believe this.

Speaker 1 But if I read that on Deadline, though,

Speaker 1 we do 20 minutes. That'd be so sad.
We do 20 minutes on this show. That'd be so sad.

Speaker 1 And it's strange you say that. I think about that shit all the time.
Like,

Speaker 1 there are so many ways for me to die, and it's hilarious. Like, just just because I'm a little person? Yeah, like, give me an example.

Speaker 1 Car crash? No, no, no, that's not fun. That's not funny.
No, they will.

Speaker 1 They'll type something like, yeah, the truck ran over the Mini Cooper. Like,

Speaker 1 falling off a ladder.

Speaker 1 Or if you died on the 405, your body ended up on the five.

Speaker 1 You got hit that far. Yeah.

Speaker 1 A little person was thrown over.

Speaker 1 But yeah, it's like there's like, unless it's like old age or of a disease in the bed, like, that's the only way it's not funny.

Speaker 1 If I die any other way, it's funny. Tell me this.
Has there ever been a dwarf

Speaker 1 pro-athlete? I mean. Come on, man.

Speaker 1 I'm being serious. That's crazy.
Okay, there was a guy named Scaramonalu. I can't spell that.
What's his name? Scaramonalu. Is he the guy that drew the first anatomy of a body?

Speaker 1 Turkish weightlifter. See, I told you there was a

Speaker 1 there's one? Did Google dwarf pro athletes? Because there's got to be more than one. And by the way,

Speaker 1 do most

Speaker 1 LPs just not like LP anymore? Is that gone? Is it dwarf now? What's the preferred

Speaker 1 little person in LP or like the two, like you're, you're safe? LP is. Yeah, you're absolutely safe.
The dwarf I thought is safe now, no? Yeah, like,

Speaker 1 unless they don't have dwarfism. Not all of them have dwarfism.
Oh, yes, Eddie Goodell. Yes.
Eddie Goodell. Yes.

Speaker 1 Professional baseball player. I remember him.
Had one at bat. Yep.
Wait, wait, wait. This is real.
That's a real photo. Yeah.
There's no way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, it is.
That's a real photo.

Speaker 1 Eddie Goodell

Speaker 1 had one at bat. St.
Louis Browns doubleheader, 1951, weighing 60 pounds, standing 3 feet 7 inches tall. Just so he can walk.
Wait, wait, wait. Crazy?

Speaker 1 They brought him into a baseball game so he could get a walk. Let me tell you, zoom into what Lewis Brown's owner, Bill Veck, said.
Zoom in right there.

Speaker 1 As in Rec said of Goodell, he was, by golly, the best stamp midget that ever played the big league ball.

Speaker 1 He was also the only one. I love that he threw in a by golly.

Speaker 1 Was it like a Rudy situation where let him play one game? Yeah, essentially. Born in Chicago, by the way.
Died in Chicago, my man. I want Rudy to try to be a part of the show right now.
Okay, good.

Speaker 1 Why don't you talk to Brad and ask some questions and say hi? And be honest about because you don't, you've only seen them in the tuk-tuks. Tuk-tuks.
And whatever that thing that you brought.

Speaker 1 It doesn't have to be about Brad being a dwarf. You can just talk to Brad and say hi.
Right, so just ask any questions. about life.
Be a part of the show again. Okay.
Hi, Brad. Hi.
Nice to meet you.

Speaker 1 Nice to meet you in person, finally. It's good so far.

Speaker 2 I want to know how you met your wife. I'm curious.
I love this.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 About seven years ago, I decided to take a brief hiatus from stand-up comedy. I got offered a morning radio show in San Francisco, California, and I had to move there to do the show.

Speaker 1 So I moved there, and

Speaker 1 we were doing the show, And me and two other people who are now down here in LA, Kevin Klein and Allie, they are now on K-Rock, but I was doing a show with them.

Speaker 1 And I didn't know anybody because I had to move to San Francisco. And in order to meet people, we decided to play a game called Tinder or Grinder.

Speaker 1 Every day, I would flip a coin based on what it lands on. I have to go on either a Tinder date or a Grinder date.
This is insane.

Speaker 1 Awesome.

Speaker 1 And that was to meet people. First day I flipped the coin, it landed on Grinder.

Speaker 1 And I made a profile. And

Speaker 1 this is so great that I'm on this podcast telling the story. I made a profile and I immediately matched up with a very large, red-headed, bearded man who told me to only refer to him as Ginger Bear.

Speaker 1 We've been friends for seven years. You think it's a fucking coincidence? He's Ginger Bear.
I'm Gummy Bear. Let's do this shit.
So.

Speaker 1 Side note.

Speaker 1 If I was on that radio staff, I would have waited that coin so you got the Grinder size every fucking time. Every time.
Go ahead, though.

Speaker 1 So you're flipping a coin yeah so i went on the date with ginger bear it was a great date uh

Speaker 1 gave me a lot of sympathy for women because i had no sexual interest in this man whatsoever but at the end of the night i kind of felt like i owed him something

Speaker 1 a little tug yeah well you don't make eye contact yeah you just look the other way yeah it's fine so but the next day we're like all right we're gonna play tinder grinder again and then a listener called in and said yeah you guys doing tinder grinder you you should try thrinder and we're like what's thrinder and they're like oh that's tinder for people trying to have threesomes

Speaker 1 And I'm like, okay,

Speaker 1 I'm in. And just so you know, I'm not lying, Tinder sued them for copyright infringement.
The app is no longer called Thrinder. It's called Field, F-E-E-L-D.

Speaker 1 You're welcome. So

Speaker 1 I go on the app. I match with two women.
We're all going to go on a date together. One of the women does not show up for whatever reason.
I went on a date with just the other one.

Speaker 1 And two years after that date, I propose to that woman because when you find a hot Asian that is into three ways, you lock that shit down.

Speaker 2 So have you ever tried a threesome?

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's how he met his fucking wife.
You think she was. Does he do it? Yes.
Yeah. It's not every day.
It's not every week. It's not every month, but every now and then.
It's great. That's cool.

Speaker 1 That's cool. Yeah.
With another girl. Yes.

Speaker 1 Never a guy.

Speaker 1 Never a guy.

Speaker 1 I've been invited over.

Speaker 1 She likes you, Andrew. I've been invited over.
You're very cute. No, but this guy, by the way,

Speaker 1 when we went bowling, when we were in that bowling league at the fucking Roosevelt,

Speaker 1 his wife came one time and you guys brought a girl, right? Or she was meeting you guys there or something like that. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right on. Right on.
Anyway, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they do.

Speaker 1 That's incredible. They're fucking party animals.
I love that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it's a lot of fun because when people, and we're very successful when we try to do that kind of thing, because when people see a hot Asian and a dwarf, I mean, you're clicking. I'm clicking.

Speaker 1 That's everything on the bucket list.

Speaker 1 Like, you can't.

Speaker 1 Literally, it's three for three. you have a dwarf, you have an Asian woman, and it's a threesome.
It's the three things that people are looking for. Yeah, I want to fuck two other people.

Speaker 1 One's got, one could be, a dwarf would be neat. Yeah, and an Asian woman.
Yeah, it's it. It's great.
It's funny when I watch

Speaker 1 some porn. I always sometimes, every once in a while, I'll experiment and I'll look up Asian, not Asian, dwarf man.

Speaker 1 Right? And whenever I can find a dwarf man with, you know. Just one guy jerking off? No, no.
No, no, no. A dwarf man making love to a woman, right?

Speaker 1 just something about it i just it really does it for me what do you think it is i think maybe i relate to the dwarf man i don't know what it is you see yourself i think i see myself in him but i like that you back to rudy go ahead so yeah that's how i met my wife okay next question

Speaker 1 so good at this

Speaker 1 i don't know you're doing good i'm serious how you do great the first question was a banger yeah you're good um

Speaker 1 don't be shy whatever comes whatever comes to mind yeah whatever yeah yeah yeah there's no limit there's no no holds barred barred here. No wrong answers.

Speaker 2 Have you tried

Speaker 2 a dating app that's only for little people?

Speaker 1 No, that's a good question. That's a good question.
Good question. That's a good question.
I have not tried it, but there is one.

Speaker 1 What's it called? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's guess.
Give us a chance.

Speaker 1 Give us a chance over there.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hold a moment. He was like, what's it called? I don't know if it's still there.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's still there. I got one.
Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 Fumble.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Is it called Fumble? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Bobby, I take back every bad thing I've ever said about you. That was the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Oh, my fucking father. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 If Thumble isn't a fucking, if that's not a publicly traded company, Sue.

Speaker 1 Fumble is so good, Bob. It's so great.
Wow. Thumble.

Speaker 1 Thumble.

Speaker 1 That is right up there. Okay, you know,

Speaker 1 Bobby,

Speaker 1 do you ever do the Opie and Anthony show? Yeah. Okay, so.

Speaker 1 Anthony, one time I was on the show,

Speaker 1 and they asked me if any dwarves get mad at me because I do stand up and I say the word midget and stuff like that. Yeah.
And Anthony stops and goes, yeah, does anyone call you an Uncle Tom Thumb?

Speaker 1 That's really.

Speaker 1 You're right up there with Thumble.

Speaker 1 That's right there, man. That's great, Bobby.
You still say the M word? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I say all of it. I say dwarf, short stature, LP, little person.
But I thought dwarf is okay. Yeah, it is.
M is not okay. M is not okay for a lot of people.

Speaker 1 I would say most don't like you to say M. Yeah, but see, for me, it's all about the context and how you're using it.

Speaker 1 And I told this story on Marin, so I apologize if you're hearing it for a second time.

Speaker 1 But when I did a show in Odessa, Texas, and there was a there was a heckler and we had to kick him out and at the at the end of the night show's done uh i'm walking to the car with this with this other comedian and we see the these we see these lights turn on and it's a truck and oh my god they start driving towards us and some guy leans out the window and just yells out kill the dwarf He said, kill the dwarf.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. So I wasn't like, oh, thank you for using the proper term.

Speaker 1 All right, Rudy, go go ahead. More questions for Brad.

Speaker 1 I know you've got them lined up.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you

Speaker 2 poo every day?

Speaker 1 Oh, Lord. Yeah.
How do you think they? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Time out.
Stop my time.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Wait, how do you think we got these things in here?

Speaker 1 So good.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Reese's pieces.

Speaker 1 Yeah, where the fuck do they music stay from? The North Pole, you fucking idiot. But think about that question, right? She equates size with food of bowel movements.
You poo every day.

Speaker 1 Yeah, do you think that's the way?

Speaker 1 So you think that the food

Speaker 1 goes through the body and it's a good thing.

Speaker 1 No, because I don't poo every day.

Speaker 1 You would think that he would poo more often. Yeah, because it's a shorter way to shoot.

Speaker 1 That's why I'm asking. No, but that's not what you're asking.
You were asking as if, like, do they poo every other day?

Speaker 2 No, just him.

Speaker 1 Because I don't poo every day. Yeah, so do you poo every day? Yeah.
Or you would have asked, how many times a day do you poo?

Speaker 1 Right? So I don't think that was the question. Anyway, that's interesting.
Let her, it's fine. Okay, go.
That's her question.

Speaker 1 Let her dig out of this.

Speaker 2 So I'll ask it again.

Speaker 1 Whatever you want to ask. Well, yes.

Speaker 1 So to answer your question, yes. I have a bowel movement every day.
And thank God.

Speaker 1 And I don't even know if they're a sponsor of this show. If not, they should sponsor me just in general.

Speaker 1 My tour should be sponsored by these people. Squatty Potty.
Oh, right, right, right. Yeah.
Love me a squatty potty. What's a squatty potty? What do you mean? They used to spatiotypotty potty

Speaker 1 show.

Speaker 1 Your legs are on the toilet. Yeah.
Your legs are on that little thing.

Speaker 1 They used to sponsor this show. It's what this Apple box is, but while you're shitting.
Oh, wow. And it's designed to go.
I've seen this show. Oh, yeah, yeah, I've seen those.

Speaker 1 They used to sponsor our show. Yeah, yeah, I remember.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's an amazing product. Yeah, it's great.
I love it. And please sponsor my tour, squatty potty.

Speaker 1 It straightens out your intestines. You know they say your intestines, if you unraveled them, would wrap around the earth multiple times? Do you know that?

Speaker 1 What? My own intestines would wrap around the earth? Yeah, multiple. I think it's twice or something like that.
It's something insane. Did you ever see...

Speaker 1 That's not true.

Speaker 1 Google it right now. Prove that I'm right.
One human being's intestines will travel around the world. Your intestines can wrap around the earth.
When they're unwound, veins. Oh, it's maybe it's...

Speaker 1 Maybe it's vascular. It's something that can wrap around the fucking earth.
I forget what it is. Your blood vessels can stretch around the earth twice.
Two times.

Speaker 1 Your blood vessels, there's so many blood vessels. They say six.
That's insane. No, no, it says it cannot stretch around twice.
Your blood vessels can stretch around the earth twice.

Speaker 1 Brad's can stretch around a basketball twice.

Speaker 1 Stop it. It's not even funny.

Speaker 1 All right, go. One more question, Rooney.
Come on, make it count.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Make it count.
Do you count? I don't know. Do you poo every day?

Speaker 1 Might have been one of the best ones ever.

Speaker 1 Let's try one more. You know, she's got another one rattling around that brain of hers.

Speaker 1 So much creative energy. um

Speaker 1 you ever looked at a dwarf and okay

Speaker 1 yeah go have you met peter dinklich uh uh we call him king dwarf uh

Speaker 1 he rules

Speaker 1 uh i i have not met him he he refuses to go to the meetings uh

Speaker 1 bastard uh he tried to take the dwarves out of the new snow white movie did he really really yeah well that was the thing he said on marin that he was like oh they're they're redoing.

Speaker 1 They're doing a live-action Snow White. And

Speaker 1 they made Snow White a Latina, which is great. Makes sense.
And then they had Snow Brown. Yeah.
And then he said, like, yeah, but they're still having...

Speaker 1 They're trying to make this woke Snow White, but they're still having the dwarves in it. You know what made me mad?

Speaker 1 See, that doesn't make any sense. The dwarves are people.
Why wouldn't they still be in it? It was just about a girl and her friends. Yeah.
So this bitch liked dwarves. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Would be made into a live-action. Disney said Tuesday it was consulting with members of the dwarfism community.
Who are these members? Yeah, were they at the meeting? Where's, like, do we have.

Speaker 1 Dude, you got to be in that movie. Where's the dwarf Al Sharpton? Which one? Are you sleepy? Which one are you?

Speaker 1 I just want to see the dwarf Al Sharpton. Dude, if you don't,

Speaker 1 if you don't get in that fucking movie, we're going to protest. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're in the. How many are there?

Speaker 1 Dwarfs? In their world?

Speaker 1 In the Snow Whites. Seven? Seven.
There's seven dwarves, right? Shit, it's in that top seven. If you're not in the

Speaker 1 top seven, you've got to be in the top seven. I mean, yeah.
Dinklage. Well, who who would he be? Let's see which one.
Would you be, you'd you wouldn't be bashful. No.
You wouldn't be either dopey?

Speaker 1 You wouldn't be grumpy or sleepy. No.
Dopey. You'd be either dopey or what's the other one? Come on.
Go over. All right.
Happy, sleepy, dopey. Happy, dopey, dope.
Sneeze. Bashville, sneeze.

Speaker 1 Sneezy's good. You could be sneezy.

Speaker 1 Sneezy. No, I don't like that.
A few more. Doc.
Yeah, Doc, you could be doc. You could be doc.
You could be doc. You could be doc.
Okay. I could be doc.
And of course, Bobby will be the huntsman.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me be the magic mirror. A month ago, I got an audition.
Oh, two months ago, I got an audition for Time Bandits.

Speaker 1 They're redoing Time Bandits? Yeah, Time Bandits. And he was doing it is

Speaker 1 anyway,

Speaker 1 and I said no. You said no? Yeah, because they wanted me to read for.

Speaker 1 Oh, the dwarf part. Yeah, but they're not using dwarf parts now.
Son of a bitch. Does that suck? Yeah, they're like.

Speaker 1 Those are the Time Bandits. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And Tyka is doing it. Yeah, that's right.
You said that, Tyka. Yeah, Taika is doing it.
And I go, there's no way I can't. Oh, Tyka YTT.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, and this is real.

Speaker 1 I was in an audition right before the lockdown happened, back when we still did in-person auditions. And I think I did okay for the part.

Speaker 1 And then they looked at me and said, just so you know, so you don't get your hopes up, we're really looking for a minority hire.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 And I just looked at him like, yeah? Yeah. Because it wasn't a dwarf part.
Yeah. It was just a part.

Speaker 1 And then they're like,

Speaker 1 yeah, I'm like, yeah, there you go.

Speaker 1 I'm the only one that that still has a separate drinking fountain.

Speaker 1 Yay. So

Speaker 1 would you consider? He can be considered a menu. What comes out of those? Kool-Aid? What comes out of yours? Interesting.

Speaker 1 How many dwarfs are there in the world, by the way? Let me see the dwarf world population. Dwarf world population.
Yeah. How many dwarfs do you think?

Speaker 1 Stop, before you Google this, how many dwarves do you think are in the world? Well, because I think you might, you're right. I'm doing quick math.
It's one in every 36,000. One in every 36,000? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then there's, you know, 8 billion people. I can't do that math in my head.

Speaker 1 Let's go with the 800,000 little people. Can I ask you a side note? Aside from this fucking, we were talking about little people.
Why does Adam Moray not like me? Adam Ray loves you.

Speaker 1 I was not invited to his wedding. Well, yeah.
You were. I was.
You were. Yeah, but why would you...
651,000, Brad. You're pretty close.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow. Well, yeah, because I sensed it.
That's pretty good, right? You guys know where you are. How many red-headed people are there in the world? 651,000.
Probably the entire country of Ireland.

Speaker 1 How many red-headed people in the world? Google that population. I bet there's only like a million.
I bet it's not that many more than you.

Speaker 1 What does it say?

Speaker 1 1 to 2% of the human population. Okay, so that's...
That's more than 600,000.

Speaker 1 Yeah, 70 million. 70 million.
7,240. Well, that's a big gap.
That's the problem because they don't fucking know. Yeah.
Because they don't, because most of us stay in hiding.

Speaker 1 A lot of us don't come out.

Speaker 1 You have stuff in your stockings, too. Oh, really? Okay.
So let's. Oh, hold on.
We'll.

Speaker 1 come over. Okay, that's fine.

Speaker 1 Did you guys get Brad a stocking as a guest? No, I only got you two.

Speaker 1 Where's the stocking? The record.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, shit. I didn't even.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Thank you. So for A for Andrew.
Yeah, and then B for Bobby. And B for Bobby D.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Oh, wow.
Look at this.

Speaker 1 Andrew on the North Pole Express. Look at this sweet book that I got.
What did you get, Bob?

Speaker 1 What is that? What is that, buddy? Is that a butt plug?

Speaker 1 what the fuck is this? It's coal.

Speaker 1 Did somebody get coal in their stocking because they were a bad boy this year? Oh, Bobby was bad. Can I read you this book? Don't keep doing it, Bobby.
Don't keep putting your hand in there.

Speaker 1 Andrew sees a present wrapped neatly with a bow. The label has a name, and the wrapping seems to glow.
The present is for me, cries Andrew with the biggest grin.

Speaker 1 Andrew opens it to look inside and suddenly falls in.

Speaker 1 Andrew's in the frosty woods looking at blue skies to find a world inside a box. Such a big surprise.
The signpost on the trail shows which way to go.

Speaker 1 Santa's house, Andrew says in awe, then runs through the sparkly snow. Andrew spots a village and a family up ahead.
Andrew grasps and can't believe they're made of gingerbread.

Speaker 1 The daddy smiles at Andrew, you want to see Santa's house, I guess? You'll get there so much quicker on the North Pole Express. Now get in my van, and I've got some treats.

Speaker 1 Take off your clothes, let me warm your feet. Put them in between my comfy butt cheeks.
Now give me a kiss. Off we go.
Sit on my lap. It's now your seat.
What is this?

Speaker 1 A Jeffrey Epstein Christmas. What is this? It's a Christmas book from Target on Sunset.
Kiss me, little Andrew. Kiss me right here.

Speaker 1 Don't bother if it cries. That's not actually a tear.

Speaker 1 Wow. What is this? I mean, this was at the checkout aisle.

Speaker 1 You'll be okay. Just keep your mouth closed.

Speaker 1 Open, of course, right now. and now take off those clothes.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Chugga chugga choo-choo in your poo-poo.

Speaker 1 Does that say that in there? No.

Speaker 1 Lyrics from the bang of all. Who's made all that shit up.
But also, chugga-chugga-choo-choo in your poo-poo.

Speaker 1 By the way,

Speaker 1 for all.

Speaker 1 So good.

Speaker 1 For all the fans of the show, when Andrew starts reading the book, isolate the clip. No, no, no, no.
When Andrew starts reading the book, he's pissed off.

Speaker 1 And just look at Bobby and someone put the song, Hello, Dr.

Speaker 1 Smilefriend.

Speaker 1 Bobby got cold and he's upset about it. So, Bobby, say goodbye properly to our guest and say thank you for being here.
Thank you, Brad. Thanks for being here.
Well, be honest with him.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's go real. Sorry.

Speaker 1 I've always loved you. I think you're a beast, and I think that,

Speaker 1 you know, it was a real surprise because I knew you were coming today. It was a blessing.
Merry Christmas to you. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's your Christmas miracle. Happy Hanukkah.

Speaker 1 And happy Hanukkah.

Speaker 1 Happy Hanukkah, Kanye.

Speaker 1 And thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Let's have Rudy say it and then Brad say it.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Perfect.