White Shenanigans

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Not available in all states or situations. Hey, we're going to be at the Comedy Store.

Next week.

Next week.

Next Tuesday night, 8 p.m. in the main room.

All the proceeds, Bob, where are they going?

They're going to the doormen and women of the Comedy Store, and they're all talented

kids, and we want to help them out for the holidays.

So it's going to be Bad Friends Lives.

Hopefully, if you guys let us sell out the 8 p.m., we can do the 10 p.m.

afterwards and raise more money

for the men and women

that work at the Comedy Store

to help them out.

And they'll be so happy.

Go to ComedyStore.com

for tickets.

TheComedyStore.com

I'm going to be in Boston

New Year's Eve

and New Year's Eve.

Eve, get those tickets now.

We just added a late show

to New Year's Eve.

AndrewSantino.com

Come see me in Boston.

AndrewSantino.com

Also, we got new merch. Look at this.
Huh? Look at that, baby. Bob, show yours.
I love mine. This is awesome.
We got new merch, guys. Look at this.
New merch. Look at it.
We're yelling at each other. This is great stuff.
Go to BadFriendsMerch.com. Or it's in the merch bar down below.
But if not, BadFriendsMerch.com. You two two are bad friends Who are these two idiots?

A white dude

and an Asian dude

You two are disgusting

You two are something

We're bad friends

No, no, no

You know how sometimes

you go to like a hotel

and you know the valet

but they get to pay

that lady behind the counter

You know what I mean?

Wait, what?

You know how you go to a valet

and you get to pay?

Sometimes you don't pay

at the valet thing

Rich people reference

There's an actual like

little, you know what I mean?

Yeah

Desk thing

Yeah, yeah, yeah

That's what I mean? Wait, what? You know how to go to a valet? You have to pay. Sometimes you don't pay at the valet thing.
Rich people reference. There's an actual little, you know what I mean? Yeah.
Desk thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what she looks like. A desk girl.
A desk. No, but only for valets.
What is it? Because of her pants. Just her vibe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Her energy.
I think it's cool. You look like a general manager of an El Pollo local, but not in this country.
You know what I mean? Like there's a new branch in Honduras, right? And she's like, you're the general manager though. What's on your forehead? It's a pimple cream.
Oh. And we shouldn't have brought that up.
Well, it's right. I just didn't know what I, it's right there.
What do you want me to do? Rocky Mountain High. Let's talk about the pimple cream.
Well, this morning I woke up to like a really, really big zit. And then I wanted to pop it because it was so painful.
And then I was in the mirror. And when I popped it, it like squirted all over the mirror.
I love that. Yeah.
One of my favorite things is popping a good pimple. Do you use like a little needle to like poke it? What? Just your fingers.
Oh, but sometimes it's like hard.

No, you just got to squeeze, baby.

Oh.

Wait a minute.

You puncture your face first and then, yeah, I've seen that online.

Yeah.

You know what I do?

It's disgusting.

You have the dogs do it?

No, that's a good guess.

I appreciate that.

That's a really good guess.

What?

What I'll do is I'll bite my nail.

Take a nail. I'll turn it into like a little shiv so I'll bite it turn it into like a mini shiv and I'll pop it that way because sometimes I pop it in places there are no needles there's not needles everywhere and I'm growing trees your nails are clean so you figured oh that's another good point and it's funny that you say that.
Why not get the infection worse? That's true. I get that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's smart.
So the dirt under your fingernails now gets into the hole in your face. Yeah.
Can I ask you a question? Please. You're not fully over your whatever you had.
Your voice is thick. My voice sounds normal to me.
And then Friday night you were like a little grumpy on the phone. Why was I grumpy on the phone? I don't know.
I called you like, you're not going to be here. And I go, what? Oh, no.
I was in the main room of the store. Yeah, let's talk about it.
I was in the main room of the store and the sound guy was coming to look to see who was supposed to be next and I was supposed to bring you on next. But I couldn't, I didn't bring you on.
I ended up bringing on somebody else, Benji Aflalo. He's great.
Yeah but the sound guy said is bobby not gonna make it and i said well i don't i'll call him and i said bob your spot is next are you gonna be here and you said no yeah and i said why not i was at the improv no you were done at the end i was in the pro you were done was i not at the improv were before, but you were done. You could have made your spot, but you didn't want to.

So you just bailed.

So for all the fans out there.

No.

That paid for a ticket on Friday night and didn't get to see Bobby.

He bailed.

Yeah, I'm there every night.

And if you really want to know.

If you really want to see me, you come every night.

He wanted to go get food.

Oh, damn.

That's it.

Now I know what to tell people when I'm working.

When I'm working and Bobby doesn't show up,

I get a long line of people that are really upset and sad.

How much for the car?

Are you going to get it?

The car?

Oh, yes.

You're the valet.

Okay, so my back.

Don't talk to me like that.

My point is, listen, okay?

Can I tell you what happened last night?

Stop calling in if you're not going to do the spots.

Fuck you.

I've seen you so many times cancel. Never you're right i never cancel it doesn't work but you know me but i tried and that's what's great about me right i commit to whatever nonsense what happened last last night i'll tell you what happened right it's scary fucking scary so i'm in the main room at the comedy store.
In the green room. And I was there.
I had a friend from Canada with me. Okay.
Yeah. I was sitting there.
Eddie Pepitone's there. You know the old man? Love Eddie.
So funny. Yeah, he's awesome.
And he's there with his friend. And then there's this black guy.
Okay. What? Well, just the way you went back..
Like you laughed at him. Oh, I did.
Yeah. Can I say it again? Yeah.
Guy. Black.
There was a guy who was black. Who happened to be black.
Just so happened to be black. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's sitting there. And everything's fine.
I'm like, you know, I was there a little early, and we're all chatting. This is guys sitting there where the bar is, that little bar that they don't serve anything.
In the main room. And he says something a little bit weird.
He's like, yo, a man, Trejo, Trejo on stage. And I go, what? Trejo, Trejo.
And I go, Jesus Trejo? That's his name? I go, yeah. That right there in your head, you're like, why would you? You don't know him? Trejo, Trejo.
Who are you? That's what I'm saying. I'm waiting.
So I look on the list because sometimes you have the open micers that open the show. Don't point at point at her not her i'm just saying you know who i'm talking about i mean the names yeah you hire me i do hire you yeah you're fucking great yeah you're cheap i mean you're talented but cheap help like i'm not getting fucking uh nick what's her name nikki haley whatever her name Who's Nikki Haley? Anyway.
No. She's a politician, right?

Yeah, her.

I can't get Nikki Haley she does stand-up no she does a whole campaign is a stand-up yeah oh it is yeah yeah show me some Nikki Haley I might i might cast my vote for her yes stand up there is no stand up by the way pete typed in nikki haley stand up fire stand up for america well stand up oh stand up for america yeah yeah no it's stanford that's very good though yeah so what so what so this young black man right so then let me kind of tell the story please yeah yeah so. So he goes, Trejo, Trejo.
And I go, uh-huh. And look, he's not on the list.
Then he starts mumbling, when do I get to go up? Like just randomly going that. Asking when do I get to go up? I'm going to go up.
Okay. I'm not kidding you.
And from my peripheral, I'm like, there's something wrong. Because he's also, his eyes are going all over the room.
Yeah, zigzagging. Zigzagging.
When do I get to go up? You know what I mean? And I can't, I'm not good with confrontation. I know that.
Right? So I'm like, you're going to go up? What else do you say? Nothing. Yeah.
I leave. I just leave.
No, no, no. I double down no I double down yeah yeah yeah because I think we're not but also Eddie they have no idea what's going on Eddie doesn't know him either no but he has no idea that there's danger why is there danger some guy doesn't treo treo and going when do I get to go up sounds like a comic that's true that's true that is that that's true so what then he starts going like yo man uh he goes i've seen you on the tiktok and i go that's right i know but you would you have to understand that if you're a comic you don't say that but i understand he has i understand what he's saying right but it's like you know me going yeah dave to you.
And I'd go, uh-huh. Oh, okay.
So I'd go, okay, TikTok. I should have done that.
He just doesn't know a lot of words. Oh, that's true.
Okay. It sounds like his vocabulary.
Right. So then I'm like, I got to do something.
Yeah. Would you? No.
You would just leave him? Immediately leave the room. I know, but if I was the only person in the room- Leave.
Then I would leave. but I don't want to leave the room and then I come back and Eddie Pepitone's in like 19 different pieces then I'll feel guilt he can defend himself he's fine oh so you're the hero of the day between me and Eddie Pepitone my money's on Eddie that's offensive he's fucking a thousand years old he can fight for sure there's no doubt No, no.
That's offensive. He's fucking a thousand years old.
No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He can fight for sure. There's no doubt.
No, no. He's a thousand years old, this guy.
Look at him. He's the man.
That. Okay, who's your money on Jules between him and Bobby in a fight? He looks like he's going to have a heart attack.
Thank you. Thank you.
So maybe to Bobby. Thank you.
So you're saying the only reason that Bob would win is because he might have a heart attack. Yeah.

Right.

But outside of that, let's just say he has a real-

That's not of me doing anything.

That's just him killing himself.

But let's just say he's got a really healthy heart.

Like, I know his vitals are great.

Okay, then maybe him.

Then him.

Truth is the truth.

What do you think, Juice?

I think Eddie would take the hit for the insurance money.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So he would lose on purpose.

He's a fall guy. Yeah.
But what that means is he could still beat you if he wanted to. So what do you do? Anyway.
Okay, so what do you do? I go to the front. I go to Jess.
And I go, I think there's a crazy person in the green room. She's like, what are you talking about? And I go, what do you mean? There's a fucking crate.
Black. Oh, God.
Sorry have done that no no leave it in no leave it in I was just doing a callback for the beginning I got it and then this fucking guy goes we gotta fucking cut it out no it's great leave it in it was just a joke it was a joke so look you told Jess so I go she goes okay and she comes with me I go no you can't no, you can't come now. You can't come now.

She's like, why?

I go, because you're going to – he knows that I'm the one that's north.

Right?

You got to come in eight minutes.

Time it.

I timed it.

Time your number.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I went back in there, and then lo and behold, Eddie Purpottone's still alive.

Thank God.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, oh, he's not in pieces, right?

And the guy's still sitting there.

I go to the bathroom, and I just pretend just pretend that you know everything's fine right right right and then she finally comes in and she she goes what's your name and he goes ah like that oh I know that guy that guy he's funny he actually riffs yeah yeah that would be a name that yeah yeah thank you Thank you. HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH HHH yeah yeah yeah right yeah she goes no you're not he goes i'm not how easy and then no but then he goes she goes you have to leave he goes why because you're not performing he goes but can i go up these are good questions that's true he is putting in good questions can i just show tell you though i mean people don't know at home um it's a sold-out room in the main room right and um it's not like it's not it's not difficult to get back there but it's not something you know that you're not supposed to be back there you know you're not supposed to be right it's just there's a long hallway there's a stay in back there you just you know i mean you have to be very bold yeah right also if you're an up-and-coming comedian, you just in your mind know that just that's not the way it happens.
Of course. Yeah.
That's a no-no. You don't just go, can I go up? My name is Ah.
Right? That just doesn't work. Right? But he goes, can I go up? And she's like, no, you can't.
You have to leave this room. Yeah.
And he hesitates. He goes, ah, nah, nah.
Okay. Okay.
And he gets up and leaves, right? Yeah. And then they banned him for life.
Oh, man. That was my win.
Yeah. But then I go, you banned him for life? Now he's going to think I did that.
Yeah. So if you're out there listening, ah.
Bobby is the reason you'll never perform at the Comedy Store. And honestly, Bobby Lee and you guys, fans fans will you put his address right here at the bottom of the screen so mail your complaints there or sure I want you to feel the guilt no I wouldn't feel guilty at all oh if awe came to my fucking house and murdered me in my sleep you wouldn't feel guilty hilarious listen right when you kill me take my, and on the wall go, Andrew sent me.
Yeah. But say Andrew Santino because there's a lot of Andrews.
Yes. How about Cheeto Santino? Cheeto sent me.
Yeah, Cheeto sent me. Yeah, they'll know.
Right? Yeah. You won't feel the guilt? No.
All right. You know what? Put his address under the...
Yeah. Put his address there.
With all of us. See which house...
Because let me say something. Oh, you can open for me.

I have never seen your act at all.

At all.

But dude, I'm telling you.

I packed rooms.

Kill Andrew.

And you can open for me.

All right.

All right.

We'll just see who dies first.

Dude, so funny.

This guy, I hope, is a big fan.

Of you or me? And I hope he's...

No, of this show and is listening to this show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And is going to show up more to the comedy store and be like, I heard you got me banned.

I listened to your show.

I didn't get a band.

Okay.

I mean, that story definitely sounds like you did.

Oh, that's right.

I should have told that story.

Yeah, it's great.

Because eight minutes I should have waited.

Yeah.

That's okay.

I mean, I shouldn't have said the eight minutes.

You're going to be okay.

So, Rude, you got cut off. Welcome back, by the way, Rudy the Jew Rudy the Jewels Hi Hi Are you sad your mom and sister are gone? Yeah but I also like being alone Yeah we know that I don't know what she does at night I come home It's like Friday, Saturday night But like She has a bit It was like two days That I didn't see you And you didn't tell me That you were in New York What does he got to check in with with you before he goes to New York? Are you my parole officer? Yeah.
No. No, you have to tell me.
Let's hear what that conversation got. You just say, you just say.
No, no, no. Okay.
Ring, ring. Hello? Hey, by the way, how are you? I'm sort of a first in.
Yeah. Good.

How are you?

Okay, bye.

What does that do?

That's it.

She hangs up already.

That's crazy.

Okay, bye.

That means that she doesn't want to know any information.

That's right.

No.

It could be like, I've been captured.

You didn't finish it.

You don't know why he's in New York.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay.

Do it again.

Do it again.

It's too late.

It's too late.

I'm already dead.

Let's do it again. Let's do it again.
That was my one chance. I was like, I'm free.
I'm going to call Jewels, right? I'm in New York. You know what I mean? I'm dead.
What? I'm dead. Fuck you.
Okay, let's say you're a kid. You're adult napped.
Let's say you were stolen. Yeah.
Somebody steals Bobby Lee. Yeah.
A group of thugs. I need the specifics.
Oh, who doesn't? Yeah.

The Yakuza.

In New York?

They're everywhere.

That's true.

But more the Chinese triad.

Okay, the Chinese triad steals you because they're not a fan of Koreans.

Yeah.

And so they steal you, right?

And they say, listen up.

You have... That doesn't sound...

Sorry.

Honestly, that's the same Chinese.

Listen up.

Yeah.

Higher up though, maybe? Listen up. Listen up.
That's good. They're them.
And that's what he's saying to you right there. What is that group right there? That's the Chinese tribe.
It is? But that's him right there in the front. He's saying, you have a one phone call.
That's great. And that's what he's saying.
One. You have one phone call.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who you gonna call? Yeah.
Now, you use this opportunity to tell, on the list of people who you gonna call, give me the list of where Jules would fall under the numbers you would call for help. The Chinese Triad has you in their lair, and they're like, you got one phone call.
Well, on my phone, I have favorites. Yeah.
Who's in the favorites? You're in the favorites. You're in my favorites.
You're in my favorites. Really? She's in your favorites? She's the end, though.
Yeah. Like, she's the second to last name on the favorites.
Who's in the favorites? You're in the favorites You're in my favorites You're in my favorites Really? She's in your favorites? She's the end though Yeah Like she's the second to last name On the favorites Who's the first person you would call? Chinese triad Now remember Be real I know I'm saying It's not that who you're gonna call Like oh I'm gonna die Who are you gonna call To get you out of this Chinese triad Situation Situation Well so they have to talk To the triad to get me out of this that's right yeah oh then my manager she's good you're gonna call your Hollywood manager yeah call Abby right now call her she doesn't want to be on the pocket I know but let's put her on she's your manager we can do whatever we want I don't I don't know what this is gonna give us here's the deal well It's worth a try right yeah, I want you to call her and be like and you but you play you and go

I'm captured by the Chinese

At the tone please record your messages when you've recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options. Abby.
Abby, Abby, Abby. I'm captured by the Chinese triad gang.
I'm in here. Hurry up.
They have me in a cage. One of those dogs here because they eat the dogs.
They eat the dogs. I'm in the dog eating cage.
They're going to eat They're going to eat me. They're going to eat me nuts.
Hurry up. I'm so scary.
I'm scary. Come on, help me.
This is fucked. This is fucked.
Now she's going to fucking... Oh, my God.
Leave your ringer on. I'll leave my ringer on.
Oh, my God. Put it on vibrate.
All right, so when they pick up, when she calls back, you have to answer. You have to answer.
And you have to figure out your name. Yeah.
You're the leader of the Chinese triad. You need to be working this stuff out in your head right now.
Oh, my God. Why? How do you call me? All that stuff.
Why did you capture him? What do you want out of it? We've got to prepare this. So why did you capture me? Give me the accent first.
Come back, she's gonna call in a second.

No, but let her surprise us with the accent.

Alright, alright.

Because I want to see what you do.

If it's not...

I'll be surprised.

Okay, so why?

Chinese Trayun.

Well, we're trying to get more publicity

and you're a big name.

Ooh, this is smart.

Pretty good.

If we can hold you capture, maybe we can get our name out there on Bad Friends. Oh, they want to be on the podcast.
Oh, that's a really great way to get on. Yeah.
But wait a minute. If they kidnap you, how would they get on the podcast? Because you mean they're going to use him as his own collateral? Yeah.

It's kind of weird.

You get Bobby back if we...

If they can be on the show.

30 members.

How many are in the game?

It's your improv.

You're the leader of the game.

You create the world.

We have 26 members

and we'd all like to be part of the podcast.

26.

Pretty good number. That's a lot of people.
That's how many door guys we have at this tournament we'd all like to be part of the podcast yeah pretty good number that's a lot of people okay door guys we have at this is that what it is all right maybe throwing you know they better have 26 mics yeah everybody wants a headset is that even possible can we buy it out yes anything anything's possible it's possible so 26 mics what else is your demands yeah what are the chinese tried demands lined up because Abby's going to, as a manager, managers know. Because everyone has a rider, right? I didn't even know we could ask for more.
All right. Yeah.
We just wanted to be on the podcast. But you're Chinese too, so when I'm there, right? When I'm there, I need dumplings.
Dumplings? They need dumplings. They love it.
They can't go out without it. We need opium.
They love the opium. Can you get them that? Yeah.
Okay. And then.
No joke like Kung Flu. No jokes.
Yeah, no Trump jokes. You know what I mean? No Trump jokes.
No Trump jokes. Don't call it China virus.
Not that because they don't like it. Yeah.
No Asian hate. No Asian hate.
Right. We'll do a Chinese triad stop Asian hate episode.
White girl. Sounds good.
We love white girls. Are you prepared? You ready? I don't think so.
I have an Asian girl that I want to show you. Show him this video of this Asian girl.
I want to see what your stance is on this. As an Asian American I'm being genuine.
I want your stance on this. I don't want to even look.
And you too as foreign. No, no, no.
You can look at her. No, I want to look.
I'll be surprised by it. Is it beautiful? I just want you to listen to what she has to say.
I want to say this from what I see now. Yeah.
Kind of cute. Yeah.
Sure. Yeah.
I would probably date her. Okay.
Let's see what she has to say. Let me see if you agree with what she says.
Controversial opinion, but if you have a token white and you're hanging out with your friend group of color, you need to ask permission from everybody in the group to bring your white friend. Like, don't just bring them.
Ask for explicit permission from everyone. Because just because you're comfortable with them doesn't mean that everybody's comfortable with them.
I might not be in the mood to deal with white shenanigans that day. That's all I'm saying.
And another thing, it feeds into their ego. She has a point.
Don't let them think they're a good white person. Don't give them that card to use against other people.
Please don't do that. So what do you think? I don't like white shenanigans.
Who does? I've never liked it. Who does? Ever since I've been in this country.

Yeah, you're sick of white shenanigans.

They're just fucking around, frolicking around.

So if you're with a group of Asians,

do you have to ask permission to bring a white?

Well, I do mention it.

How do you say it?

I don't get the permission.

How do you say it?

Yeah.

I'm coming.

All right.

Or am I different?

Do I get a different pass?

I'm going to call the main guy. Yeah.
Ling. All right.
All right. Or am I different? Do I get a different pass? I'm going to call the main guy.

Yeah.

Ling.

All right.

No.

Well, Ling doesn't listen.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, but that's why maybe I won't bring you.

I got it.

Because you already assumed, you know what I mean?

You'll come to the main guy.

I don't know.

And it just feels weird, right?

You know what I mean?

I think that's on you.

Was that white shenanigans? That was white shenanigans. I walk into a big room of all ages.
Hello! What are we eating? Surprise! They're all like, he brought supplies? No, supplies! Is this... How do you feel about that, Rudy? I think...
I think what she's saying is kind of true because... Oh! Because from what I've noticed, like, like, maybe, like, hooking up with white and, like, Asian people, I kind of connect more to the Asian and I don't really connect to the white people.
And I don't want to bring someone who's like you to Andrew that's weird yeah yeah so so if you know if it's like you I'd tell them like oh he's coming he's coming no but but you saying you have to ask for permission no I'm just gonna say oh he's coming I don't have to ask right yeah you just have to mention it It's interesting To like warn them I ask

What do you say?

Ling

I go Ling

You know

At all?

I can say it

You're welcome

Yeah yeah yeah

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Enter the code BADFRIENDS22. That's 50% off up to a $20 value and zero delivery fees when you download that door dash app in the app store enter the code bad friends 22 that's 50 off up to a 20 value and zero delivery fees when you download the door dash app in the app store and enter bad friends 22 don't forget that's code bad friends 22 for 50 off up to a 20 value and zero delivery fees with door dash subject to change terms apply hey yeah i go ling um i'm bringing um you know that podcast i do bad friends he's like like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I go, I'm bringing Andrew, right? And he'd be like, nah. At first.
Oh, really? And I had to pitch it. Yeah, honestly, he's not an insurrectionist.
You got to throw that out there. That's the first thing you have to say? Yeah, like he wasn't there, you know what I mean? On the 6th or whatever.
Right, I support it, but I wasn't there. Right.
Right, I wouldn't say that. Yeah't say that yeah I wouldn't say that I go you know like if he was on a dating site it would say politically moderate right moderate yeah I would say moderate right lukewarm you know right right right and I'd be like um he's only gonna be there for like a quick sec pop in pop out he's gonna pop in and pop out right and not he's not gonna shoot anybody that's not what I mean he doesn going to.
He's going to pop out and then pop out. You know what I mean? He's going to say hello to me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to say, you know what I mean? Happy birthday.
And he's going to leave. That's it.
And then he'll be like, all right. And then it'd be okay.
Yeah. But you know, honestly, though, I've never.
Dude, let's be honest. What she's doing is insane.
It's disgusting. It's disgusting.
It's insane. If we're going to talk about it for real, that's fucking repulsive behavior.
It's very repulsive. And it's like, you know, if a white person had to ask his white friends, can I bring a Korean? That's insane.
What fucking, you know, no. Yeah, no.
Well, this is the problem with- I would still have sex with her though. Yeah, 100%.
Would you? No. If you were single? No.
Why? Because she wouldn't fuck you. Because of how she feels about whites.
Yeah. So it's a big no.
Yeah, yeah. No, I understand.
All joking aside about it, I did see it and I was like, this is, we're going backwards. I do think it should be a rule that you should, if you invite anybody, you should get permission from everybody.
Right, but it shouldn't be contingent upon the color of their fucking skin. No.
That's crazy. That's crazy talk.
You're a fucking crazy person. Like, you could tell that she's had experiences, like, she doesn't trust them.
She thinks white people are right. So, this would be funny.
Here's what happened. This would be funny, though.
Yeah. That if you made love to her, you finally, like, for a year, courted her, right? Mm-hmm.
And right when you were gonna come, you look at her and go, na-na-na-na-na-na-na, na. Oh my God, it was so funny.
Like, as you know, you go, Kong. Oh, that'd be so funny.
And her face, oh yeah. No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what happened though? She was hanging out with a group of other Asians and one of them brought a white and she was like, oh, he's up to that shenanigans.
That's where this comes from. Someone she knows brought a white to a group she didn't like the white that's what you guys do things that are like shenanigan like so do you like what i mean let's get into it should we tell them what is the shenanigans pete should we let them in on what they do no you guys we really love you guys.
That's a shenanigan. That's a shenanigan.

I want to on what they do. No, you guys, we really love you guys.
That's a shenanigan. That's a shenanigan.
I want to know what her white shenanigans are. What happened to her? What shenanigans happened? Pies and face.
Yeah. And a clown school broke out.
Well, maybe probably it could have been like some guy said maybe some COVID joke about China. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

It's not shenanigan to me.

No, that's just a bad.

Some people have bad jokes.

Yeah.

Maybe it's like maybe she had dinner with a white guy and he goes, where are your sticks?

Yeah.

Well, I mean the chopsticks.

Well, did she not bring them?

She should bring them.

You got to keep that thing on you.

I have my golden like solid 24 karat, you know what I mean, ones on my backpack. Well, they can't leave your side.
You have to have them. Yeah you.
I have my golden solid 24-carat main ones on my backpack.

They can't leave your side.

Yeah.

I like eating meatloaf with them.

That's our thing.

I know.

Yeah, that's one of our things.

Yeah, you should bring them.

Bring a white.

Hey, you know what?

Yeah, bring a white.

Bring a white.

Don't tell anybody and bring a white.

This holiday season, surprise your family with a white.

Yeah.

What's white shenanigans, Rudy?

Explain to us.

I don't know.

You're young.

You know what's going on.

No.

You're progressive and young.

Maybe like, you know, sometimes like white people are kind of like entitled.

And I find it more.

All white people are entitled?

No.

Some of them.

But I've noticed that sometimes it's mostly white people that are entitled oh no no i think that's interesting the truth is i think we have a perception that's that's true because i'm also scared of white people yeah it's it's what are you scared what are you scared of i don't know because i just feel like because i'm filipino and asian i'm more like at the bottom who does that you do you do that or the whites do that? I don't know. I just feel like because I'm Filipino and Asian, I'm more like at the bottom.
Who does that? Do you do that or the whites do that? I don't know. That's interesting.
Well, some whites, you know what I mean, feel that, but some Asians feel superior, like the Koreans and the Philippines. Well, it's Korean and like Chinese.
They always feel that. So the problem is there's an Asian hierarchy of who thinks who's better than the other one.
I guess. Yeah, so that's a you thing.
So don't blame it on the whites. No, no, no.
Take that Asian bullshit somewhere else. Don't talk to her like that.
There's something behind that. All right.
Do you feel superior? I don't feel superior, but I can see how... I feel pretty small most of the time.
But I can see how there are certain things I don't have to think about day to day

that maybe people of color have to struggle with or think about.

And so that makes my life easier.

Very woke.

See, she's woke.

She's aware.

Well, that's true.

Some people, yeah, for sure.

Yeah, there's some truth to that.

There is, yeah.

There's a nugget in there.

Yeah.

For sure. I think that when Bobby walks somewhere, There's some truth to that.
There is, yeah. There's a nugget in there.
Yeah. For sure.

I think that when Bobby walks somewhere, he's given the utmost freedoms.

Goofy, short Asian guys, no one thinks anything negative immediately about you.

You're not going to walk into a store and they're going to be like, watch out for this one.

You're just going to be you. Most of the time, if you walk into a store, they're gonna be like watch out for this one you're just gonna be you most of the time if you walk in a store they go look at that little cartoon character come to life because that's what you look if i owned a shop and you walked in i'd go look at this guy it's unbelievable i go look at this guy i might take a picture of you really unbelievable i go we gotta get a photo of this little guy honestly you see the little Asian guy that came in here? Yeah, yeah.
That's proven. Yeah, yeah.

Like, you literally like, Really unbelievable. I go, we got to get a photo of this little guy.
Honestly. Do you see the little Asian guy that came in here? Yeah, yeah.
That's privilege.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, you literally, like, I used to have a G.I. Joe.

And they put fake hair on the eyebrows and the head.

You literally look like that right now.

A G.I. Joe?

You don't even look like you're human.

Like, it was, like, placed on you in a factory.

It was.

On the white factory.

Really?

A place you'll never be able to get to go to. That's the entitlement we have, is that we are made in a factory.
It was on the white factory. Really? A place you'll never be able to get to go to.

That's the entitlement we have

is that we are made in a factory.

Whites are made in a factory.

Yeah.

That'd be cool to design my own white.

Make a white?

Oh, I'd love to make a white.

Like Build-A-Bear?

Like Build-A-Bear, but make a white.

They should have that in Asia.

Build-A-Bear.

Oh, I would love to.

Build-A-Bill.

Yeah, Build-A-Bill.

Build-A-Bill.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make a white Oh I'd love to make a white Like build a bear Like build a bear But make a white They should have that in Asia Build a bill

Oh I would love to

Build a bill

Yeah build a bill

Build a bill

Yeah yeah

Hi I'm William

Right

Like you walk in

There's a hair

Yeah

Right so like blonde

Is like it'll say $20

Yeah

Black you know what I mean

$6

Red free

Free

Free red hair

Yeah yeah yeah

It's not even a thing

It's on the ground

You know what I mean

Like hair is on the ground

You know what I mean

You have to pick it up

Like this is free you know what I mean that's number one and they realize it's just dyed Asian hair it's just dyed red yeah it's rat hair they grow rats and they just garbage hair like sheep like sheep yeah what else would you what else could you you get pigmentation well you pick their belly size too for sure what do you mean whites have a lot of rotund bellies right so like maybe I'll get the Bert Kreischer you can get the Kreischer maybe you can have like maybe comics should be the body types right you get the Theo the Jasenlek which is probably optimal very expensive yeah that's a good bot yeah yeah I'm gonna get the judge like ah it's $495 what about the Chrysler how much is that 450 but then with coupon it's $2 right like what there's a coupon yeah right so I'll do that and then um so do you haveight. Oh, height.
So you have the Brad Williams. Brad Williams package.
Yeah. Children.
There's a two. Children or.
Like you wouldn't have a separate division. No.
For dwarves. Well, why not? And children.
You would just put them in the one thing. I don't know.
I don't know. You think so? You got to keep them something.

For the bit?

Oh, yeah.

For cutting purposes?

Editing purposes.

For editing purposes.

For editing purposes, yes, we should have a separate debate.

But then you're, but then you're, that's a big store.

Build a white would be a great.

Build a white would be great.

Build your white.

Build your, what's your perfect white friend?

Build your perfect white friend then Rudy

Okay

5'10

Okay

It's crazy

Oh no

I'm thinking about a guy

I'm gonna go with a girl

5'7

Pretty good

Black hair

Your nose

I got a nice nose?

Yeah

Thanks rude

That makes me so

Go to titty Thank you. Your nose.
I got a nice nose? Yeah. Thanks, Rude.
That makes me so.

Go to titties.

Titties?

Okay, okay. Good face first, though.

You get there.

No lips.

No lips?

No lips.

Most whites don't have good lips.

Yeah.

And then...

At all?

Yeah.

Is that...

You're saving money at the store?

No.

I feel like that's what you're doing. So that I can feel better about myself.
Oh, I see, I see? Yeah. Is that you're saving money at the store? No.
That's what you're doing.

So that I can feel better about myself.

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

All right.

No eyebrows.

Okay.

And then maybe medium-sized boobs.

Medium-sized boobs.

Yeah.

What's medium?

What's medium to you?

What size is medium?

In a bra, what's medium? To you, in your mind, what's medium? What's medium to you? What size is medium? In a bra, what's medium?

To you, in your mind, what's medium?

36B.

What's medium to you, Juice?

If a girl said I have medium-sized boobs on the phone,

you would assume she's what?

Probably like D.

They go to like 26 sizes.

D is medium? I always thought D was big. Am I wrong? Too big for me.
Because they go like all the way to Z? No they don't. And then they go back to double A, double B, double Ds.
I think most people when they hear D they think of double Ds. I learning something? There's no Z Maybe not There's absolutely no Z

But it goes like to G and H

What's Dolly Parton?

Cup sizes range from double A the smallest

to K is the biggest

Oh that's K

But then they double

So I think when guys think D's

they're thinking double D's

Is there double K?

Probably

God I hope not

Yeah

Double K breasts

There's definitely triple K No no that racist. Where are those titties? Yeah, where are those titties? I don't remember how we even got to it.
How did we get from what we were doing into this? I forgot. Building a perfect white.
Oh, that's right. She was building a white.
Oh, you're building a white? Yeah. All right, my bad.
What are you going to name your white? Yeah. Kimberly.
kimberly kim burr lee is that three names yeah so she's an asian lee yeah kimber no just one name then kimberly whoa so her first name is kimber and her last name is lee no kimberly what's a white last name i mean pick any up pick anything name an inanimate object and just name it it's like bob coffee that's That's a white last name? I mean pick anything Name an inanimate object and just name it It's like Bob Coffee That's a white guy Kimberly Plant Kimberly Plant That's definitely a white person Kimberly Plant It's definitely 100% a white person Google Kimberly Plant You know there's one I bet there's one in probably LA Is that Poison Ivy's like Regular name? Kimberly Queen Ferns Fresh from Florida A dense evergreen fern shapely That's a real plant Kimberly plant Are you single now, Rude? No Wow Still with him What's going on there? Nothing I'm getting bored, but You're getting bored with him? When you say stuff like that He he hears it. It hurts his feelings.
You're going to get in a fight with him. Okay, I'm not getting bored.
Yeah. Yeah.
But Tita Bobby. Can I say it? Yeah.
I don't know what you're going to say. About something.
Tita Bobby brought a girl over. Oh, yeah.
To her. To the house.
What? So? And I i told him what if she's crazy and she comes here and then she kills all the dogs and cats this is a valid question what did you say um that it's not like you know i vet people but hold on and yes i agree with you but also she doesn't give up this is how crazy she is she doesn't care about her killing you or her she's like what if she kills the cats and dogs that's so interesting that's her instinct is not instinct what if this woman comes over and murders me it's Bobby what if she kills the dogs imagine this house is on fire you're outside with all the animals. Yeah.
I'm still... I'm on fire! That's what will happen.
Such a high likelihood, by the way. So high.
That's what I get from that. Because she lives downstairs.
If the house catches on fire, downstairs, there's no way out from upstairs, she's leaving you. Also, getting the three cats is not going to be easy.
Nope. And she'll get them.
Yes, you. And I'm going to be on fire.
So what if you thought, what if this girl kills the animals? That was your honest question. What do you, I mean, how do you even answer that? I'll call the cops.
Yeah, we'll call the cops. I mean, there's things that it's, that it's I fucked up right But it's your fault What if your boyfriend kills the animals Yeah but he's been there for like I don't know How many times have you been there Two times Does he sleep over No he can't Because you say no No he can I tell you he can His parents are strict How old is he 19 but he's been he's been with me for six months i forgot that you're 21 and he's 19 oh that's right yeah oh the lady it's not like share oh my god do you see share's boyfriend no what what happened he's 40 years younger than I love it.
Oh, really? Yeah, look at Cher. Yeah, hell yeah, Cher.
Look at Cher. That's not Bono.
How old is this guy? What's his name? Bono. Sonny Bono.
What's this? Bono. That's not Bono.
Yeah, yeah. No.
What's this gentleman's name? Maybe I'm very incorrect. Cher's 76.
He's 36. Wow.
Alexander Edwards. She's 76.
40 years. Could you date someone 40 years different than you? Older? Well, if it was younger, it would be a 10-year-old.
So, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Could you date a fucking... You're right.
Could you date... A four-year-old...
A 96-year-old woman? Well, no, you're... You'd be 91.
91. Yeah, you're 51.
91-year-old... Well, I mean, there are certain things we can't do.
Like what? Okay, so things we can't do is like surf. You're not a big surfer.
I know, but... You're saying that we can't do it.
Right, but you can't just name stuff you can't do because you don't do them at all. I know, but I still might want to.
In the event that later in life you catch the surfing bug and you're 60. I might want to get tubular.
I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I get it, Doug. Right, so she can't surf, right? She can't.
The hike's probably not that deep. Time out real quick.
You don't even hike. You don't hike.
I've hiked before, though. Forget hiking.
before though forget hiking forget hiking okay since I've known you right right right maybe one hike okay so let's do stuff that you do that she can't do that you actually do in your Bobby Lee real life right real life she can't do alright she probably couldn't go to the comedy store why it's late oh you're saying she'd be tired because remember Ron Jeremy used to go yeah right Ron Jeremy used to go of the comedy store. Why? It's late.
Oh, you're saying she'd be tired. Because remember when Ron Jeremy used to go? Yeah.
Right? Ron Jeremy used to go to the comedy store, sit in the back booth, and he would fall asleep. And you'd be performing.
You could hear Ron Jeremy snoring. Yeah.
I don't want that. Right.
Right? I don't want her to completely fall asleep or die. There's a chance of dying too well that but that's gonna happen in general

you're in love with this woman she's gonna die if she dies i understand that but the thing is the odds of her dying like if i brought you know andreas to the comedy store the odds of him dying sitting in the room is probably one in a million less but yeah probably i'd say about one in ten grand. Yeah, maybe one in ten thousand.
The odds of my wife dying is one in ten. Right? And I can't risk that.
Right. Because then I'm on stage.
You know what I mean? She died! Somebody yells. I'm in the middle of a set up! And you're killing.
I'm killing! And so I'm going to have to finish my set. You've got to finish the set.
I've got to finish the set. You have to.
Right. Thank you.
I'm Bobby Lee. Five more minutes left.
Then you've got to go. Right.
But it's hard to do a set when they're doing CPR. Yeah.
One, two, right? You're still crushing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that's what the Samoans said. You know what I mean? If you were laughing, yeah.
Pineapple juice for everybody. Whatever the punchline is.
Right? And it's not getting the last. It gets weird, right? And then you go back there, and then you have to feign sadness.
Oh, okay, right. Because I feel like when you're 51 and your wife's 91, you're pretty much prepared to the death.
So when it happens, it's not that shocking. You just knew.
You wish it didn't happen at work. Right.
And you would say that to her. All right, well, forget the comment.
You would hold her hand. You would hold her hand.
Yeah, yeah. And you'd go, that's what you get for trying to steal my moment.
Right. Something like that.
Rotten hell, bitch. Rotten hell, bitch.
Yeah, yeah. I can't get that set back.
I can't get that set back. Yeah.
I was careful. What else can I do? So there's- Who are riding horses? You don't ride horses.
I have, though. though I know but What do you do now That she can't do? She cannot eat A hundred cupcakes a day For example Good callback From the last podcast Very good You do callbacks From other podcasts And I love it I gotta tell you It's a deep cut As one of your best friends Yeah From the way It's laid out right now I don't see this being that big of an issue okay I'll tell the final thing I mean it sex old people love to fuck I understand the highest transmission of STDs in the United States is between the elderly now at old folks homes because they're all fucking and they don't care they're're ready to go out i think you could have sex with her yeah some people like to eat pizza that's been in the refrigerator for four days i love cold pizza i don't like it really you don't like cold ham i don't like anything like a roast beef sandwich you know sometimes you don't like an old roast beef sandwich yeah i don't like it you don't like your eggs runny I don't I don't like I don't like an old roast beef sandwich? Yeah, I don't like it.
You don't like your eggs runny? I don't. Like I don't like curled milk.
Really? Yeah. Juicy.
Okay. Could you date at 40 years difference? You're 32, right? Are you 32? Yeah.
So 72-year-old. Could you date a 72-year-old dude? That's as close to this relationship as you would be closer to this because he's 36, right? Or what does he say? 36.
Right. 36 and she's 76.
It seems awful. I was kind of making fun of Bobby, but now that I'm thinking about it, it seems gross.
Well, who's at the comedy store that's 72? Argus. Yeah, I don't know.
Could you date Argus Hamilton? No. No.
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Grab yourself some Manscaped today. Let's say you fell in love with a guy, right? And then he was caught in a fire in his car.
His car caught in fire. So he has, like, burns on his face.
Like, he looks like Harvey Dent. Right.
Right? I don't know who's Harvey Dent. Show her.
Yeah, two-face of Harvey Dent. Two-face.
By the way, you know, speaking of which, Jay Leno is fine. Okay.
That's Harvey Dent. Okay.
But that's the whole face. The whole face is like that side.

Just the face?

Does it have to be the body?

Yeah, his body suffered burns as well.

The whole body is in burns.

The car was on fire.

It didn't choose where it burned.

His whole thing got burned.

He's handicapped.

I bet you would leave.

And we've been in love before.

You were deeply in love.

How long?

No, you was a stranger.

You just met him on Tinder.

No, you're in love.

How long?

You were dating for a decade.

You've been married for 10 years.

10 years.

Married or dating for 10 years.

Yeah, yeah.

You were in love.

He gets in a fire.

He's in a wheelchair, right?

He goes, I can't walk anymore.

What's the chance of a burnt person dying? Let that sink in. No, no, no, no, no.
No, stop, stop, stop. Let that sink in just for a second.
Let the room listen to that. What is the chance of a burnt person dying? At least let that sink in In your heart Wow Because I can stay with him for like two years So you're giving a limit On if somebody has a tragedy Yeah Wow So you're saying that if you were in a fire I wouldn't want someone't want someone to stay with me.
So you just want to be left?

You want to be alone?

I want to die.

Oh, my.

Oh, you think life is over after that?

Yeah.

This guy became a notorious villain.

Yeah, famous.

Famous.

I don't want to be a villain.

You already are.

Maybe you'll be in a car accident and fire,

and it'll make you nice again.

And you won't care about fucking nonsense.

That's crazy talk.

That's crazy.

You're a crazy person.

So you would stay.

Yeah, you gotta.

You gotta stay.

Bobby wouldn't stay.

Yes, he would.

Yes, I would.

He wouldn't.

Yes, he would.

You know what's so funny?

Oh, that really makes me so mad.

This is how much you don't know him.

Yeah, this is what you do.

He absolutely would.

He is a loyal, loyal dude.

He would stay.

Yeah.

I wouldn't like it.

Yeah, but that's a part of life.

Yeah, it would suck, right?

That's a part of life.

And I would treat her like shit.

Hey, that's a part of life.

Right.

Right.

Yeah, I wouldn't be around.

But we'd still be together, not divorced.

Still be together.

She'd be in a room.

You'd support her.

I'd hire.

You'd hire someone to feed her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right?

Right.

And given the opportunity. If she accidentally'd hire someone to feed her.
Yeah. Right.
Right. And given the opportunity

if she accidentally fell down

a couple of stairs. Yeah.

Or slipped down the driveway because it was very

icy. Yeah.
So be it.

So be it. So be it.
Right. So be it.

So you know. But I wouldn't

leave her. Okay.
I won't leave him then.

Okay. I'll just be away.

You'll be away. Now would you

every once in a while say hello? Yeah. I'll say hello I'll say hello When Every Sunday Yeah What if he was like Rudy I'll even clean His butt Wow Very nice That's very nice With your mouth Yeah Oh wow That's pretty good If he was like Rudy You never come in the room To say hello to me I Was wondering If I could give you some money to maybe just play with my penis for a couple months.
Okay, I'll do it. Really? It's money.
It's all money. I mean, that penis is going to look like Denny's sausage.
You're right. I mean.
You just got to flick it around. You got to flick it Alright Now you know Now you know You know Juicy's the opposite She doesn't have She has That's not For you You would stay I might be kinda into it Yeah that's what I got about you You're like just a Heart of gold You're heart of gold You're a hippie at heart Yeah I was raised by hippies Yeah I know You have that vibe about you When you say hippie She's a hippie in real life Yeah I know Yeah I just want to say it We might redefine some things Right Like if his penis stopped working Right Probably you know Do you collect crystals I mean I want to see how hippie you are What's your level of hippie Do you do crystals I have a crystals.
Are you being real? Yeah, but most of them were given to me by my parents. Ah.
Yeah. Oh.
And then number two, do you do the oils, like patchouli and anything? You do oils instead of perfume? Yeah, I do like, what do you call them? Like tinctures? Yeah, tinctures. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So do you do all natural deodorant and stuff like that? I do like non-aluminum deodorant, but I don't like read the ingredients.
All right. Can I ask some more questions? Please.
Is it hairy? Sometimes. Yeah.
It's a grizzly? I don't have like the same every day. Right, but do you ever shave it yeah oh that's not she she she shaves her legs and stuff okay do you shave your armpits yeah do you wish you didn't have to yeah sometimes i think i i have the thoughts of like why am i doing this because yeah it's like it's annoying a thing that humans grow hair and it feels like to shave your legs is like a thing to make you look like a little girl because that's when you don't have hairs when you're pre-puberty but i still do it because it feels good that's interesting i've never heard that before do you think that's true i i think that's what a woman's perspective of it is but as a man do you think that why do i like shaved legs yeah because i don't like hairy legs that's me too i don't think it's just a normal i don't think men or women think about like oh i'm looking like a little girl but i think that's been why it's like attractive to us like if if a woman had if a woman had hairy if like if a woman had hairy legs and was like i refuse to shave but i would but i loved her i just i guess you would just get used to it but i don't i don't love it but yeah i mean but are we conditioned to like that or like are we conditioned to like smooth legs yeah yeah because we see hair and we associate that with men because men have very hairy so they did that for hundreds of years then you probably did when when did shaving start as a woman? I imagine.
But then there's women I know that are girlfriends that say they like shaving their legs and feeling smooth and don't want hair. So what does it say? In the 1920s, the new fashion for sleeveless tops and short dresses meant that the legs and armpits of American women were now visible in social situations.
And advertisers seized the opportunity to encourage women to shave their legs and armpits. That's how long it was.

It's not even that far.

It's 100 years old.

So before the 1920s, they used to have grizzly people walking, women walking around.

Yeah, baby.

That's insane.

Like that.

It's weird looking to me.

And so that, let me ask you something.

I'll be honest.

Just be honest though, right?

You love her.

You love her.

I do.

Right?

I do.

Right? And she's like, come to bed, baby. I'm on my way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you thinking? I'm an alcoholic.
Oh, you'll be an alcoholic? I'm just black out. I'm black out.
This is your burn victim. Yeah, yeah, that's our version of a burn victim.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way.
That's insane. You do know how crazy that is.
She's obviously shaved her toes because there's no fucking way. Your legs are that hairy and your feet have no hair on them whatsoever.
There's no fucking way. Right.
I feel like the wokest person here and I don't feel woke. She's pretty.
Very pretty. I don't know.
Her personality might fucking suck, but who knows? But she's like into you. I know how to do it.
And she's like, I don't want to shave my legs. I know how to do it.
What do you do? It's easy. Huh? I would go would go spill a bottle of nair on her all the time whoa no I go whoops let me wipe that off you know you know something that's very important to me is not fucking guys no no no let me finish right something very important to me is every girlfriend and I have always had we were a swimming team team.
What? You shave your legs with her. And I shave my legs too because we're faster.
Yeah, in the water. That way.
It has nothing to do with visuals, right? I just like winning. I get it.
Right? So that's a, you know what I mean, a huge thing for this. So you sucker her into it.
For aerodynamic reasons. I like it.
Right? Shave your legs. And then she goes, well, not my armpits.
I don't need that, right? I can leave those hairy. It does affect it.
I have a second. You know what I mean? That's still.
I just prefer everything. So you'll go through this painstaking process of you shaving your whole body.
And learning how to swim because I don't know how to swim. Yeah, I don't know how to swim, right? So it's like I have learned how to swim.
Yeah. I'll get in shape.
Yeah. But I would go through that process to get her to shave her legs.
What would you do? To get her to shave her legs? Yeah.

I would say, I'd like you to shave your legs.

I know.

And she would go, no.

And I'd go, this is over.

No.

You loved her and you were going to stitch.

No, I know.

What would you do?

I would go, you know, look, I'm very attracted to you.

I love you.

I love you.

Already.

I love you.

Already.

And I think we should be more open about our preferences of one another like I'm sure there's things that I do that you don't really like that much and I'd like you to be candid with me and tell me what I do that you don't really like but that's what Andrew think about this you give them the power first no you start doing the thing that they don't like right and then when they say when they say I don't like when you do that i'll stop doing it if you start shaving your legs yeah you'll do it in exchange that's right that's it right that's how you do it give it exactly right yeah so what is something that she doesn't like she doesn't like she goes i don't like when you poop with the door open right and i said well i love it because i like the dog to be able to come in and out of right it's one of my favorite things and eventually she goes you know this is like a red flag for me. You know, I'll make an exchange, right? You shave your legs.
Speaking of flags, I'll say that. Yeah, yeah.
I'll put up, I'll speak of the flags. You already have it.
And I'll throw it right at her legs. Right.
So my swimming and your, I think that's two good ways of doing it. Yeah, yeah.
Would that be convincing, girls? Do you think that's a, is that a good exchange? I'll lose, I'll stop doing something that annoys you, right? Yeah. I think that's the good way to do it.
That's a good way to do it. Do you care? It's interesting.
It's like, I do understand why it's probably annoying to shave your legs, but do you like having your legs shaved? Does it feel nice? I don't really care. Shaving is so tiring, so I don't really do it.
So if it was up to you, you wouldn't shave. Your leg isn't hairy right now.
Let's look at your leg. It's even ashy.
Yeah, but there's no hair. Well, that's a moisturizing problem yeah it doesn't look like there are any hairs there's no hair on your leg i don't really grow hairs okay but let's see that man what the fuck is shaving your armpits annoying yeah that's annoying do you wish you didn't do that but here's what i might say in defense of that armpit hair makes your pits smell more that's what i noticed yeah when you do have hair it stinks it fucking stinks so that's an advantage yeah you would say that it's just weird in the shower and you're like i'm getting beautiful it's so weird when you're a human well obviously it's social you're you're on to something juice it's obviously a social construct by a dude to try to uh but differentiate these advertising sales like this is what a pretty woman looks like a young pretty woman looks like this leg these are the legs well as a society we were conditioned to think that way before the 1920s no dude went hey can you shave your leg they never even thought of doing it i'm sure a couple of guys were keen no i know what do you really i'm sure there was a couple of pioneers back then i've asked my wife to uh yeah and they're like really yeah she says yes but not the vagina probably no but i don't but hair but vaginas don't get that hairy yeah i mean they do but like like i've had vaginas over the course of my life that are like not like trimmed up.
No, me too. I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck. But that's also not, it's.
Also, you can turn it into a game. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like a safari. I put on my safari hat.
I have a little machete. Yeah, yeah.
There's the cave. I think.
A wonderment. I think that should be the standard then if we want to.
No, are there guys, things that you want guys to do? So I actually like hairier guys. So if a guy was shaving his legs, I would be not into that.
Yeah, but I don't have a lot of hair on my body, so I would have to get hair. We've got to get you some hair.
Yeah, I would ask you to please get some hair. What would I do? You know, we have extra body hair laying around over at Build-A-Bill.
Come on over to Build-A-Bill. Oh, Build-A-Bill.
We'll get you some white hair. Yeah, but I'm Asian.
There's no... Huh? There's no Build-A-Gook.
That's too hairy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that's too hairy. Yeah.
Yeah, that. See, that's great.
That guy's got a sweater. That's too hairy? I think so.
Yeah, I know a dude that's that hairy. I have friends like that, too.
Yeah, I know people like that, but that's not too abnormal, I guess. I think that's why.
I'm lucky. I have no hair.
I'm like you. I'm like a little Asian boy.
I have no hair. Yeah, yeah.
That's why I do a podcast with you. To be honest with you, that's incredible.
That's so much hair. Yeah, that's a lot.
And they don't like when you shame them. Well, no.
My friend. Armenian? I don't know what he is.
Good guy. Yeah, good guy.
And one time we were at the spa and I hurt his feelings. What did you say? Well, because you get naked, right? At the Korean spa.
It was like two in the morning he took his clothes I went and he goes don't do that I go why that's funny yeah he's like I know I'm self conscious about my hair and I had to sit down and go I'm so fucking sorry because he was really hurt it sucked but I laughed it sucked because would you would have laughed yeah 100% if I did him? Yeah, you would have probably jumped on a cabinet and did a thing. You know me and you.
Yeah, I know. I would have joined in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd have been like, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So good.
But didn't like it. I get it.
It's very self-conscious. They do get very self-conscious.
And I'm sure. Well, we all have our things.
Yeah, we do. We all have our little things yeah what is your thing i think like i think i don't like uh i never i mean i never it doesn't bother me but redheaded thing is always kind of like a uh it's an easy stupid joke that people can make like it's just like a because i look it's so obvious that i'm there yeah it's it's funny.
Like growing up, when I saw redhead people, I never thought of that at all. But we're always the butt of a joke.
Until later in life, people made jokes. Everybody does.
And in my mind, I was like, oh, we should make fun of them then. Yeah.
But it's like not something that I instinctually thought. People are very comfortable making fun of or taking like a dumb shot at a redhead.
It a it's like annoying when adults do it yeah it's stupid like a guy like a guy will say like like they'll use a child term like a fire crotch term where it's like it was funny when we were kids i got why people laughed when we were kids but then as an adult you're like this is so lame but it's like it's such a common but it's almost like we're like the last bastion of you can make fun of and everyone collectively agrees it's okay to make fun of redheads yeah those old school way if i went to a black guy and i was like oh and i said something about his hair oh my god right exactly yeah and everyone communally would be like you can't do that but if a black dude was like look at this orange ass motherfucker everybody would laugh yeah yeah i've noticed every it's like we're the only ones you're allowed to make fun of without someone going hey man that's not okay yeah to a group i mean groups but i feel like that's something like you know years ago when i used to do the road every show and i used to count i would tell openers to check this out every show afterwards some white person will come up to me and do an asian accent and they'll come up to go mishri very 42 you know me or something like that and i had to eat it right yeah but that hasn't happened in like 10 years well you guys when you come see us on the road start doing that right we'll be yeah in your city we're gonna be coming in fact if you do that if you have the balls to do that well no they will they absolutely will okay this is how let's give them we let's give them one phrase that they have to say they have the balls they have to be a crazy sentence okay all right so what's what's crazy well you know me you tell me yeah yeah flat face that's good hey hey flat face yeah yeah harrow harrow flat face right Right. That's opener right yeah it's strong yeah yeah yeah little dick make harrow harrow flat face little dick make uh ching chong little dick make ching chong uh um little china something about little china yeah yeah little dick make ching chong what is that what's the phrase I'm thinking.
Little China. Something about Little China.

Yeah.

Little Beijing Chong.

What is that?

What's the phrase I'm thinking of?

Big Tokyo?

Little Tokyo?

What is it?

I don't know.

Big Trouble in Little China?

Big Trouble in Little China.

Oh, that's good.

There it is.

Thank you, Pete.

Yeah.

Hey, um, fly face.

You know what I mean?

What did he say?

He just, Big Trouble in Little China. Big Trouble in Little China, good movie.
No, no. No? No.
When I see, say when I see your. Well, you say it.
I want to hear it from a white person. Nope.
Hey, fly phrase, right? When I see King Chong, you know what I mean? I want Big Trouble Little China. That's right.
So that's a line line and I want you to say it with a thick accent and you know what if you do say it you get a hug from me big hug a big hug and you get a kiss from me but you have to say it loud so everyone around you can hear it the whole room you can't whisper it you can't do that no you gotta yell it as loud as you can you gotta go like this this. It's breakfast! Ching chong, man, it's real big.

Or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, loud.

Loud.

You have to be loud.

By the way, I love how you were like,

I love how you just were like,

I had to put up with it for years and I hated it.

Now you want it again.

Yeah, I do.

You miss the racism.

Let me say something to you.

Yeah.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

No, no, thank you more.

Thank you.

And the holidays are approaching us. Oh, I can't wait.
And every time we do this show now until the end of the year, I want all of us to end the show by saying one thing that we're thankful for. Rudy, go ahead.
I'm thankful for being in the Bad Friends podcast. Okay.
I don't believe that, but that's very nice. Very nice.
Juice? I'm thankful for all my friends and family.

Lovely.

Pete?

I'm thankful for my beautiful children and my wife.

Gay.

Why?

So gay.

Why is it?

And then fancy.

I'm thankful for you guys.

I'm thankful for my bathroom because of the toilet.

It's fancy. It's got a little mechanism in the side.
It's got 80 options, right? So gyrating, you know what I mean? What do you call it? Duvet. You got it.
Duvet is a bed cover. V-day.
What? V-day. B-day.
It doesn't say it on the thing. Can I start over? Start over.
Go ahead. So I'm thankful for my bathroom.
It has a gyrate. It has 80 options.
I think you missed the point of what I was doing. What were you doing? Trying to get everyone to say something nice.

Yeah, I like that.

The toilet is what you're thankful for.

Everybody in this room thanked this room.

Yeah, but they're basically...

They're lying.

Oh, they're lying.

She's lying.

I'm thankful for being a bad friend.

I'm not lying.

I believe her.

I believed her.

I'm thankful for my life.

Damn.

Thank you, Lord.

Wow.

What?

Wow.

It's your life or the shitter.

Do yours.

Do yours and get out.

I am thankful for your friendship.

All right.

That's enough.

Because it means a lot to me.

You don't mean that. Because when I call you, and you know how excited I get when I hear your voice? The moment you say hello, I get a smile on my face.
And I go, hey, Bob, because I'm thankful. Can I do mine over? I'm thankful for...
If you say the toilet again

That's what I want to say

I'm thankful for you

Alright

Thank you for being a bad friend Yeah. Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.