Bobby Eats Cupcakes Everyday

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Speaker 1 Ho, ho, ho. Oh, Maddie, Maddie! Maddie, Maddie, Maddie! Merry Christmas to you! Look what we have!

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Speaker 1 You got the OG Bad Friends, and I've got the ugly family Walmart photo.

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It's great for stockings.

Speaker 1 Okay, say some other stuff it's great for. It's good for the under the tree.
And? It's good for Santa. And

Speaker 1 the L's. And eggnog.

Speaker 1 Wearing this and wearing drinking eggnog is so good. Go to bad friendsmerch.com.

Speaker 1 Hey, bad friends. I'm going to be in Boston, New Year's Eve.
Come out and see me New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve, the night before.

Speaker 1 If you already have plans on New Year's Eve, come see me the night before. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets, andrewsantino.com.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you talking about, man? No, no, no. Hold on.

Speaker 1 Alright, Max.

Speaker 1 Deliver the keys and the Red Bull to... What, that's his name? That's Max.

Speaker 1 Let's meet you.

Speaker 1 Back up.

Speaker 1 That's me. That's our new intern.
I know, but... Do you not know who our intern is? I know.

Speaker 1 Easy Spectrum or? Is he? Yeah. You tell me.
He's like Super Spec. What are the Super Spectator? Bring up some traits of people that are on the spectrum.
Yeah. And we'll just go down the list.

Speaker 1 I'd love to know because I've been observing him.

Speaker 1 You want him to sit down and talk to him for a second? I don't really. Go ahead.
Max, go sit down. Max, right? Sit down.
Max, sit down and put on the headphones and...

Speaker 1 Do you get your hairstyles from the Culkins?

Speaker 1 I mean, did you see Homalone and went? Oh, that's the one. Oh, Macaulay? Any of them.
Do you know who the other Culkins are? No.

Speaker 1 Do you know that they're actors? I know Macaulay Culkin. He is the sickest.
There's another one. Who is the other one? The other one's on Succession.
You like Succession.

Speaker 1 I've only seen the first season. Yeah, he's on every single episode.
He's on Kieran Culkin. Kieran Culkin.
Oh, really? He looks exactly like Macaulay Culkin. I love Macaulay Culkin.

Speaker 1 And who's the third one? Rory. Rory Pulkins.

Speaker 1 What movie? Nobody knows.

Speaker 1 Signs? Oh, yeah, he was a signs kid? No, he wasn't. Rory Culkin was in signs.
He was the kid with the water. No, the girl was the water.
That was her brother. Yeah.
Look at...

Speaker 1 Wait, Google Rory Culkin in Signs. what did he do in signs he was the son of mel

Speaker 1 god don't get me angry it's a great movie what are you doing presuming out wait a minute that's rory culkin

Speaker 1 do you remember he tilts the fucking mel's head that's him to the left go back to the picture that first one yeah who's that guy on the left is that guy that's mel is that kanye west no that's not kanye west this's the first guy that did that

Speaker 1 i think he was kanye west was influenced by this guy is that kanye east east yeah that is right there mel Gibson. Yeah, so Rory Culkin was in signs.
He was great in that movie.

Speaker 1 Shout out to the Kulkin clan. They're killing it.
So did you see Signs? No, I've never seen Signs. Okay.
Do you know what it is? No. So I'll tell you what the movie's about.

Speaker 1 Well, so for our audience, by the way, this is our intern, Max. He is a family friend of mine.
He's working for us. And is he doing a good job, guys? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fancy tells the truth, and Carlos says, and you know what, Carlos? I like you more. Yeah.
Because Fancy went like this. You know how judgmental he is, Spanish people.

Speaker 1 You're You're doing a good job. So, Signs, tell them what Signs, because he's just been out for so long.
So, Signs. It's about an alien invasion.
M. Cheyenne.

Speaker 1 M. Nak Shamalacht.
Oh, he makes good movies. M.
Nak Shamalam.

Speaker 1 Shamalam. Shamalam and Ding Dong did it.
Right, so he basically, it's like a gay sci-fi, right? It's a gay sci-fi movie. It's a gay sci-fi movie.
It was the first gay sci-fi movie I've ever seen.

Speaker 1 So these aliens come down and

Speaker 1 Mel Gibson sees them kissing in a field. Okay.
And he's smoking a cigarette and he sees. Cigar.
It's a cigar. It's a cigar? It's a Cuban cigar.
It's a Cuban cigar. It's a Cuban cigar.

Speaker 1 Because he's half Cuban in it. That's right.
Right. And he sees these two aliens kissing in a field.

Speaker 1 That's him with a Cuban cigar right there. Look at him.
And that's a Cuban right there. Yeah, right next to him.
He hangs out with Cubans. Yeah.
So he sees.

Speaker 2 And right now they're just friends.

Speaker 1 They're just friends. They're just friends.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Love that. I've seen it.
Yeah, that's great, right? You saw it? I've seen signs. Yeah, and what happens is two male aliens are kissing.
See, Mel is Mel is a preacher, but he's gay. Gotcha.
Right.

Speaker 1 He's gay, but he hasn't come out to his family.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 And he murdered his wife, but that's like later.

Speaker 1 Wait, he murdered her? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I thought the little boy kills her.

Speaker 1 Through him, though. Right, he takes over his body.
Right, right. Through him, he does it.
Right.

Speaker 1 Mel Gibson is a gay. This isn't hard.
No, no, I know. Mel Gibson's a gay preacher.
He sees two gay aliens kissing. The little boy embodies him, Mel, and kills his wife's wife, which is his mother.

Speaker 1 The little boy the alien. Huh? What? Is the little boy the alien? No.

Speaker 1 The little boy's his son. He's a human.
Yeah. He's a human, right?

Speaker 1 fuck the fucking aliens are gay those ones in the field isn't his son okay his son's making love to another alien what are you talking about and you can tell that they're the only reason you know that they're gay when the spaceship comes down it's like

Speaker 1 and then they come out and they go take me to your leader your leader your leader leader leader leader leader i thought that part though was like that was a little over the top way over the top it kind of throws it off but um i just thought that was overkill they didn't need to be that like flamboyant about it but yeah kind of stereotypical but it was a a different time.

Speaker 1 But signs is a symbol, right? And the sign is that, like, this is the sign.

Speaker 1 That's how they say take the signs.

Speaker 1 On the two gay aliens, on their bodies, there is a

Speaker 1 they have a hieroglyphic tattoo-y kind of a thing. Yeah, what is it? And it's like, I don't remember.
Well, it's the rainbow flag. Oh, right.
It's the... Well, no, no, no, it's the all-inclusive flag.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's what it was. Yeah, because I think they updated it.
Well, that's how it came up, because the signs came out, and then that's how they created the

Speaker 1 sign for the movement. And the end scene, the aliens are playing tug of war, but they're doing it with anal beads.

Speaker 1 So they're looking both in different directions, and they're pulling as hard as they can, and the beads are.

Speaker 1 And Rory Culkin, for some reason, he does a jump rope thing.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 he just assumes that it's playtime.

Speaker 1 And he does like eight.

Speaker 1 Eight to ten, right? It's ten. And his Mel Gibson is like, stop that.
Cut it out. Cut it out.
That's what Mel says. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, that's the movie. That's the movie.

Speaker 1 That's a really good movie. Yeah, you should see it.
There's a twist, though. Oh, yeah.
What is the twist? M.

Speaker 2 Night always has a twist. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you remember what the twist was in signs?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 2 the twist is, okay, so

Speaker 2 the kid ends up

Speaker 2 also feeling really gay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think that's right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then they find out the son isn't Mel Gibson's blood son.

Speaker 1 That's right, that's right, that's right.

Speaker 2 His mom was dead, and in her will, they find out that it's not really his father.

Speaker 2 And then, despite the age difference, they fall in love with Mel Gibson and his non-biological son, and they're happily gay together.

Speaker 1 That's it. That's it.
Yeah, that's it. Bing, bing, bing.

Speaker 2 And they're also dead the whole time.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. They are dead the whole time, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all dead the whole time.
Yes, they are. That's it.
Which is, you know, you should change themes. Like, you should switch it up, that Shamalama.
I think it's a good thing.

Speaker 1 I know. Well, the kids saw dead people in the original one, but this time they were dead themselves.
Yeah. Well, that's pretty good.
That's pretty good. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was no village, but it was pretty good. Yeah.
It's pretty good. You're going to watch it? I mean, yeah, it's on my list now.
Let me ask you something, Max. Is that your name, right? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 How old are you? I'm 20.

Speaker 1 Where are you living?

Speaker 1 He lives here. I live here.
I know, but where? Like down the street. But in an apartment? No,

Speaker 1 with my parents.

Speaker 1 Dog, that's mean.

Speaker 1 That's mean.

Speaker 1 This time of year I have allergies. Oh, is that what it was? Right, and so it just comes out.
Get him some clariton. Yeah, yeah, that's what it is.
I'm sorry. Get him some clariton.

Speaker 1 Pretty.

Speaker 1 With an R. So let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 You live with Herns? He's 20 years old. I didn't do anything.
Why are you making fun of him?

Speaker 2 He's like 40 years younger than you.

Speaker 1 I'm not making fun of him. Fuck you.
I wasn't doing that.

Speaker 1 I wasn't doing that. I'm sorry if that came across that way, right? Do you have a job? This is my job.
This is his fucking job. This is his job? Yeah, we hired him.
I did? I did.

Speaker 1 Oh, but does it come out of my shit or no? Better believe it. Oh, my God.
Well, next time you hire people, can I go through that process with you? Nope. Okay.

Speaker 1 No, he's an intern. What are you getting paid, Max? Experience.
Oh, so you're not getting any money. Nusag.
Right. We're going to give him a gift when it's over.
So

Speaker 1 when you come home and your parents are like, Max, you know what I mean? Clean your own. They're British, his mom and dad.
Max.

Speaker 1 Clean your own.

Speaker 1 That's a really good British episode. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Maximilian.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, Maximilian. That's his real name.
That's what I realized. Right? And then you go, oh, it's just working?

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is hard. How did you get paid? Nothing.

Speaker 1 And they feel good about that? Yeah. Okay.
There's a job interview for me. Okay, he's already got the job.
I know, but I just need to go through the interview, though. You got it.
All right.

Speaker 1 Thank you. You good with this, Max? I'm here for it.
You are? Okay.

Speaker 1 Let me, if I were to guess,

Speaker 1 you've had sex with one person? Okay. No, enough?

Speaker 1 First of all, first of all, first of all, that's illegal to ask you. You've got sex with you.
You can't ask sex stuff for

Speaker 1 Can I take it back? No, it's over. He's going to sue us.

Speaker 1 We're fucked. All right, let me take it.
Blawyer up.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go a different direction. Please.
I really. Do you believe in God? Is that better? What are you doing?

Speaker 1 Oh, you're not supposed to do that? No. All right.
Let me ask you. Did you play sports?

Speaker 1 It is illegal to ask a candidate, a job candidate, about their age or genetic information, birthplace, country of origin, citizenship, disability, gender, sex, sexual orientation, marital status, family, or pregnancy, race, color, ethnicity, or religion.

Speaker 1 You knocked out all of them. Oh, I did.
All right. So now that I know the rules,

Speaker 1 right? May I start anew? Of course. Okay.

Speaker 1 You like sports? Yeah, I watch a lot of soccer. Do you really? Yeah.
Oh, this is something you guys have in common coming up. Really? What club do you purchase a part? Arsenal?

Speaker 1 No, you don't. Yes, I don't.
You swear on my life. You swore on your life.
His mother and father are from England. Let me ask you some questions.

Speaker 1 I'm going to ask him some Arsenal questions. Go on.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What's the stadium called? The Emirates, of course.
And then before that, it was Highbury.

Speaker 1 Top scorer of all time, Tyrie Henri.

Speaker 1 Keep going. Keep going, Tickle's fans.
On the Tyrie Henri team, name me three other players that were on that team.

Speaker 1 We have Patrick Vieira, Sess, well, it depends. Cess Fabergas.

Speaker 1 He was younger, but he was, yeah, yeah. And then we have Campbell, Burkamp,

Speaker 1 Ian Wright was before. Ray Parler.
Yeah, Perez. Freddy Youngberg.
Yeah. Did you just fall in love with Max? He's hired.
He's the fucking man. Bro, you're hired? I don't care if you have the suspect.

Speaker 1 He's not on the spectrum. Yeah, yeah.
I don't care that you have albinoisms, right? I don't care that you're an incel and you haven't had sex, right? I don't clear that you believe in God or not.

Speaker 1 Whatever we're doing. First of all, he believes in God and he's a fuck machine.

Speaker 1 He is. He really is a fucking machine? He's a sex machine, dude.
Oh, fuck yeah, dude. And he's an Arsenal.
Well, he's an Arsenal. But that's why.
That's why I know.

Speaker 1 That's what he says when he gets girls at the bar. He goes, hey.
Arsenal? Yeah. So let me can I ask him?

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 So wet. Let me ask you something about you think we have a sh what do you think winning place at the end of the year?

Speaker 1 Top, realistically, top three.

Speaker 1 Because you think that we don't have a bench, and you think that in the second half of the year we're going to falter. I just think our team's very young, and that

Speaker 1 fatigue is going to happen eventually, especially with the war. I really do agree with you.
But I think we'll take top four this year. No, of course.
Champions League,

Speaker 1 which is going to bring in new players who, because a lot of players haven't been coming to Arsenal because we're not a Champions League contender. That's exactly right.

Speaker 1 And then, therefore, we'll have.

Speaker 1 It's not. Nerd Alert.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 It's not nerd alert. This is what the world watches.
By the way, so let's talk. Let's talk relevancy now.
Beyond the fact that you guys fell in love for Arsenal, say goodnight to Max. Goodbye, man.

Speaker 1 Max, you're the best in the world. Thank you.
Now go back there and do the thing you do with Carlos behind the scenes that nobody talks about. Max, you're the greatest.
Should I just leave this here?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Give him a high five on the way out because he loves you so much.

Speaker 1 Handshake, man. God bless.
Max is the fucking best. What a fucking good one.
Love Max. Where'd you find this little angel? Family friend, dude.
Yeah, he's way better than all these other guys. 100%.

Speaker 1 They don't know nothing about nothing. So let's talk what happened today, even though it's going to come out in a while.
What? USA.

Speaker 1 We won. You better believe we won.
Barely. Do you know what happens to Iran?

Speaker 1 Ah, they die. They kill him.
They kill him. They 100% killed him.
They die.

Speaker 1 Well, they put the little thing on what the women wear.

Speaker 1 What is it called? A shob?

Speaker 1 It's called Shab.

Speaker 1 It's called a Shab.

Speaker 1 What does that think they put? Abura.

Speaker 1 I know why I said shop. So then what they,

Speaker 1 Iranians go back, they put the burqa on. Right.
They tear it off and then they make them tear it off, and then they beat them. Do they beat him? Yeah.
Huh.

Speaker 1 Look at that, though, USA. This is going to come out a little bit later, but thank God we won today.
1-0. Yeah, but we're going to lose during...
The Netherlands is next. We're going to lose.
Sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're out. That's okay.

Speaker 1 Brother,

Speaker 1 it's not our main gig.

Speaker 1 If Americans... Pushed our top athletes to play that sport, we would win every World Cup.
But here's the problem.

Speaker 1 Imagine if Michael Jordan, LeBron James, any of those guys that played basketball and stuff grew up playing fucking soccer. But here we would rule.
Here's the problem. Here's the initial problem.

Speaker 1 What's the problem? Watch your mouth out.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas? Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And I love you. Happy Hanukkah.
I love you too. Go ahead.
The problem is, and you know I like footy. I think footy's tight.
My problem is

Speaker 1 black guys who are the greatest athletes here in the United States, hand over fit. It's not not even a conversation.
Not even a.

Speaker 1 It's not cool enough. That's what I'm saying.
It's just not cool enough. But in England, it is.
I know, but how could you make it cool? Because look, black guy.

Speaker 1 You have to get rid of the NFL and the NBA. We have to get rid of the two most profitable.
That's impossible. I know.
What are we going to do? That's what's never going to happen.

Speaker 1 It's never going to happen. Yeah, but if you got rid of those two organizations,

Speaker 1 then you ban, like if I was the president, I would ban those two sports.

Speaker 1 I really would. Basketball,

Speaker 1 New York, right? You could only play in New York and those little fucking cement things. They would.
Yeah. What are those called? Basketball courts.
Right.

Speaker 1 But I call them cement things.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It would just be, it'd have to be cooler. Like, the problem is,

Speaker 1 basketball dunking is like so fucking cool. Dude, an overhead kick is so cool.
But it happens so rarely. And dunking happens all the time.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'll bet you money. A scorpion kick is way better than any dunk.
No, no way. You know what a scorpion kick is? Yeah, of course.
What is it? What do you mean?

Speaker 1 It's fucking where you go over your head and you kick it backwards. That's an overhead kick.
Scorpion, and then you...

Speaker 1 Oh, no, Scorpion, the legs go above the back. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I saw What's Name do that? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that.

Speaker 1 Olivia Jurro did it once. Yeah.
Miguel Tarian did it once. With an M.
Who's the M guy? Little tiny Mexican guy with an M. Maradona? Maradona did it.
Maybe he did it. No, he did.

Speaker 1 There's a video of him doing it. Yeah, but Olivia Jurro did my favorite one.

Speaker 1 The Olivia Jurou Scorpion Kick is the best one I've ever seen. But I'm saying, here's the point.
This happens so rarely. Dunking happens every night on ESPN.
They have the top 10 best fucking.

Speaker 1 I equate it to this. Yeah.
And listen to me, hearie, hearie. Heary, heary, everybody.
Listen up.

Speaker 1 When you fuck,

Speaker 1 you fuck before, right? A couple times. I know.

Speaker 1 You fuck before? Yeah. Right? She'd be fucking.
Imagine as a guy that you orgasmed 82 times during a session, but they're like little, two, little orgasms.

Speaker 1 Or you have one orgasm at the end that's a relief. You know what? What? I'll take the end of the day.
That's what soccer is. I'll take the 88.
You'll take the 82 little ones. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 That's basketball. That's basketball.
Yeah, no. I take the one at the end.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not.

Speaker 1 That's what it's just going to end! Oh, my God! That's amazing! It's amazing! It's amazing! It's amazing! It's amazing! It's amazing! It's amazing! Now here's soccer. He is 16.

Speaker 1 That's it. That's wrong.
That's wrong. That was it.
But the little orgasm.

Speaker 1 Yeah, go, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The little orgasm is too much. All those little ones are the big ones, right? So this is what they are, right?

Speaker 1 That's what you're doing. Still feels good.
Feels good, right? But this is fucking.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 And he just starts shaking, right? It sounds like you're hurt.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's not an age. Maybe it's too much.
Maybe it's too much. Maybe it's too much.
But my point is that. Footy should be bigger here.
It should be bigger.

Speaker 1 It's just not cool enough for the black guys.

Speaker 2 I know, but it's maybe basketball with feet only?

Speaker 1 That's footy.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 with the goals up high in a little basket.

Speaker 1 Oh. Oh, just make it very hard.
Harder. Yes.
It's hard enough to score in soccer as it is. Yeah, make it harder.
Make it harder? Yes. Then it's cool.

Speaker 1 I saw a great meme that someone put out that said, here's how an American wants to fix soccer to make it more American. What? The field is too big.
Make it much, much smaller.

Speaker 1 Make the goals much smaller. Take out half of the people on the field and then put it on ice.

Speaker 1 Then it's a perfect American sport.

Speaker 2 Yeah, then you can fit more people in the stadium. You can sell more drinks.
It's great.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 that being said, congratulations, USA. Yeah, that too.
Congratulations. I want to address something that's been three weeks in the making now, or two weeks in the making now.

Speaker 1 Bobby's Twitter was hacked. It's still there.
Please stop texting or please stop fucking adding us saying, do you know that this? Yeah, we fucking know it's hacked. We've known it's hacked.

Speaker 1 There's nothing I can do. We've tried so many different ways.

Speaker 1 He's hacked. Please don't buy a laptop from him.

Speaker 1 Don't buy a laptop. Don't buy a laptop.
Somebody, apparently, somebody did buy a laptop from him. Six people bought a laptop.
Oh my God. He sucks.
Stop buying. Don't even.
Don't unfollow me yet.

Speaker 1 You know, because he's going to get it back. Yeah, I'm going to get it back.
Don't unfollow me. Don't buy these.
What the fuck are you guys doing? Yeah, yeah. Don't buy those.

Speaker 2 What really sucks is now you can't do your actual laptop business.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, that's bad.

Speaker 1 That's true. That's true.
I had one, and now, oh my God, don't even get off of that. It makes me so mad.
You know, it's like, I've never had my identity stolen, have you?

Speaker 1 That's still not the identity stolen. I know, but

Speaker 1 there's just such a big difference between that.

Speaker 1 You've never had your Twitter hacked. You've never had your social media hacked.

Speaker 1 First of all, you know, I would really like you for this new year coming up to let me finish my sentence before you make a joke and you shame me. Oh, so don't do the show good.
No, do it good.

Speaker 1 Keep doing what you're doing. Okay.
I like it good. You're right.
I'll not change it. I'm not saying I didn't finish what I was saying.
I apologize. I go, I've never had my identity hacked, right?

Speaker 1 But having your Twitter hacked, it feels vaguely, you can kind of assume what it might feel like if you triple,

Speaker 1 quadrupled that feeling.

Speaker 1 You know what? You should have interrupted me.

Speaker 1 You should have fucking interrupted me because you're right. I had no idea what I was talking about.
I knew. I knew.

Speaker 1 I always know when you don't know what you're going to say. I didn't do it.
Right. So I didn't know what to say.

Speaker 1 When I kept going, I was like, oh my God, I'm going into a desert. Bobby's like the guy that he throws a brick through a plate glass window to rob a place.
But then it's like the alarm's going off.

Speaker 1 And then he has no idea what to do to rob. Well, no, I throw a brick in the second window and I realize I didn't bring a ladder.
Oh, I did not bring it up. Yeah, I had no idea up there, right?

Speaker 1 So I made a mistake.

Speaker 1 There's a couple of steps in that. There's a two-story bank I'm going to run.
Right, but

Speaker 1 there is something violating about being hacked. Being hacked in any way, because it's like.

Speaker 2 How do you get her back?

Speaker 1 We've tried. I write, I write, I write.
We wrote to Twitter, we wrote to fucking the verified account. Yeah, you know, Elon,

Speaker 1 dear Elon Musk, please help.

Speaker 1 But you know, it's been freeing because I, you know, Twitter is one of those things I go on every single day, 27 days. So it's like Twitter fucking sounds.
Have you been hacked before?

Speaker 2 But I am getting messages for

Speaker 2 him. Actually, I was kind of hacked.
And when I was a kid, I was like in sixth grade. I had AIM, and I had my AOL screen name was Fun Size Cowgirl because

Speaker 1 I was very small

Speaker 2 and all the candy bars that were miniature called Fun Size.

Speaker 2 So at school, they call me Fun Size, but Toy Story 2 came out, Jesse the Cowgirl.

Speaker 2 So Fun Size Cowgirl, great screen name. Anyway, somebody.

Speaker 1 Because that's what I Google in Pornhub. And it was somebody that took it out.

Speaker 2 And it might have been you then who took it because somebody took my name and started sending out porn with it. And I got bombarded with messages.

Speaker 2 One day I logged into the computer, all excited to talk to my friends, and all these pop-ups were coming up, and they were like, That's disgusting what you sent me.

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't want to ever see that again. And, or like, can send me more, please.

Speaker 1 So, what was that? So, what did you get?

Speaker 1 As a kid, what do you do in that situation?

Speaker 2 I just started crying, and I like, I, I was like shocked, and then my mom stepped in and like took care of it, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I was like,

Speaker 2 Jesse J3120.

Speaker 1 Boom, boom, boom. Yeah, it's like, um, please don't buy a laptop from Bobby.
I'm gonna say it again because people have been sending me fucking constant ads.

Speaker 1 And also, if you are getting suckered by this, A, I'm sorry, but also,

Speaker 1 come on. What?

Speaker 1 Well, how fucking stupid aren't you? Yeah, I know. You're right.
That's like, what are you doing? You really think Bobby's so

Speaker 1 fucking laptop? He doesn't promote my things. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He doesn't promote this show. He doesn't promote this show.
Why would I allow you a fucking laptop?

Speaker 1 It's the same people that get duped into fucking like a Nigerian prince sending them millions of dollars and all that stuff. It's like, you feel bad, but you're like, but do I? That's nuts.

Speaker 1 They got you. Yeah.
On emails, you get, hey, Bobby, it's Susan. How are you? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Who the fuck is Susan? Who are you? I kind of want to go, I'm fine, Susan. How are you?

Speaker 1 To see

Speaker 1 what happens after that. Yeah.
That's how they hug your Twitter account. Yeah, when you started conversing with them.
Oh, it's all making sense now.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're saying that I started conversing with some guy. That's Susan.
And that's how they...

Speaker 1 Sounds like you're saying that. No, I didn't say that.
No, that's not what I'm saying. I don't know.
That's not what I'm saying. And you know what, dude?

Speaker 1 Be careful because Max is around the corner and you might take your job. I might promote Max.
Do it. You wouldn't mind? How could I mind? If I got rid of.
Andres is a big part. Look at it.

Speaker 1 He has a photo of it. No, no.
He's a huge part of the show. Yeah.
Then Carlos. Fire Pete.
Oh, Pete. Pete's never even here.
He's not even here, right? I'm thinking about it.

Speaker 1 Watch it. Watch it.
Your friend fucking Pete's going to get fired. Watch it for Pete.
You watch it for Pete. So, what's going on with you?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 You don't want to talk about your Susan.

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Speaker 1 Yeah. We can't go personal.

Speaker 2 We can.

Speaker 1 Is everything good?

Speaker 2 Yeah, things are good.

Speaker 1 All right, good. I don't think I can get it.
Let's move on. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's move on. Let's move on.
All right, hold on. It's uncomfortable.
Well, I will.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'll just say I told Bobby a secret, and I told you I'm not, you know, I confided in you at lunch.

Speaker 1 Trusted you? I trusted you. And wanted you to keep it a big secret.

Speaker 2 As a mentor.

Speaker 1 And what did you do? I kept it a secret.

Speaker 1 No, you did not. I kept it a secret.
Attention, everybody, everywhere. I didn't do that.

Speaker 1 Listen up to what Juicy just told me.

Speaker 1 And that's ridiculous.

Speaker 2 It was so cool. I was at the, before it happened, it was closed at the comedy store by the office.
I was about to host a show in the main room and I was with Polly Shore. And then Rick Ingram came up.

Speaker 1 He's like, oh, yeah. Okay, I remember.

Speaker 2 For a second, he's here on tour with Chris Rock, and we both open for Polly. And then Bobby comes up, so I'm like, holy shit, like all Polly's openers are here.

Speaker 2 And then Bobby looks right at Polly and just blurts out out this secret

Speaker 2 and it it kind of felt like

Speaker 2 it kind of felt like you wanted to see if he knew

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 can I defend myself real quick

Speaker 1 yes

Speaker 1 may I defend myself she can say you can say no yeah yeah okay well I'm gonna do it anyway right yeah

Speaker 1 she says no she knows that yeah I get it right yeah so number one I thought it was so when you somebody says a secret I think that I always think that the people in this inner circle already know the secret

Speaker 1 Right. So it's just like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Did you say don't tell anybody?

Speaker 2 I said I've told a very few people.

Speaker 1 So you're one of them. Then I'm on Bobby's side now.

Speaker 2 I can't remember if I said don't tell anybody, but I felt like it was.

Speaker 1 I felt like it was very obvious. I needed to know.
Because when you say, I've only told a few people, that means you've told 50.

Speaker 2 No, I really hadn't.

Speaker 1 But it's also a small, let me just defend myself, right? It's your old boss, a guy that his family owns the club, right? A guy that's hired you to open for him, right?

Speaker 1 You tell him a lot of things because he tells me the things you tell him, right?

Speaker 1 He tells me the things you tell him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I just assumed that that was okay in that environment. Number two, right?

Speaker 1 Who was I with?

Speaker 2 Oh, this is the only reason you brought this up?

Speaker 2 Because Bobby was with a smoke show 10.

Speaker 1 Now I'm getting. Right, so I'm with a smoke show 10.

Speaker 1 I'm at a smoke show. That's the only reason you brought it up.

Speaker 1 That's not what I brought it. That's not not what I brought it, all right? I'm smoking, man.
Yeah, I got the smoke show. Right, right, right.

Speaker 1 And I'm, you know, because she's like, I want to meet Polly. I don't know why.
You know what I mean? There's other people around. You know what I mean? I'm Polly.
So I go, yeah, I bring him, right?

Speaker 1 There was this, this awkward thing where it's like, I didn't know what to say. Right.
And I'm with Smoke Show, right?

Speaker 1 So I just, I look at her and I go, just the thing that came to my mind is like, how's that thing going? Whatever.

Speaker 1 You brought out her secret. Yes.
Hey, hot girl. Listen to this other girl's secret

Speaker 2 no yeah yeah good move i think first he said this is jesse she's my sidekick and then he blurted up oh i said sidekick

Speaker 1 are you not my sidekick though i am

Speaker 1 she's our sidekick i know but you weren't there i know but just say this is our sidekick and they'll go who's our i apologize me my boy thank you i apologize and

Speaker 1 I won't take it personal if you don't tell me secrets anymore. But

Speaker 1 how about this? Be more specific. Tell me the secrets, and I won't tell anybody.
I will tell Bobby, but I won't tell anybody after that.

Speaker 1 And then hopefully he won't tell anybody.

Speaker 2 I got my first taste of

Speaker 2 a bad friend from you.

Speaker 1 Ooh, that's your first bad friend to actual bad friend to see. Oh, good.
I like that.

Speaker 2 Because before you're like this magical genie in my life, and you're just granting all my wishes.

Speaker 1 Now you see through all the black people. Welcome to reality.
I'm starting to see it. See what?

Speaker 1 No, what do you see?

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up. What What do you see?

Speaker 2 I'm starting to see some of your flaws that I never saw before.

Speaker 1 Whoa, this is wild. Yeah, I'll be honest.

Speaker 2 And I will say I still love you very much, despite your flaws.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 And maybe because of your flaws.

Speaker 1 All right. I'm a flawed man.
Let me tell you what Bobby did to me. Thanksgiving Day.

Speaker 1 Thanksgiving Day. No, this wasn't a big deal.
Thank you. But it made me laugh.

Speaker 1 I never post on Instagram. Every fucking month, I put up a photo, maybe.

Speaker 1 And I delete them because I hate him. Because I fucking hate that app.
I put up a photo genuinely of pictures that I genuinely, I wrote thankful. That's all I wrote.
I saw that post.

Speaker 1 He was number one. There was a picture of Chris O'Connor, one of my best friends in comedy.
Like, I just put up a bunch of photos of fun stuff because I never post.

Speaker 1 I thought, this would be okay to do. Within seconds,

Speaker 1 he texts me. Take that fucking photo down, bro.
Not even like, hey, what's up? Love you.

Speaker 1 Take that fucking photo. And I go, seriously? And he goes, yeah, dude, I look like shit in that photo.
First of all, no, he doesn't. He's sitting down naked.
He looks cute as fuck.

Speaker 1 He was on the couch in San Diego. You guys remember that photo? And I love that photo.
And it broke my fucking heart. So I sat on the couch by the fire, sad, and I deleted it.

Speaker 1 And it really bummed me out. And I was like, you really want me to take it down? And you're like, do whatever you want, bro.
Which means... It's...

Speaker 1 Yeah, take it down. Can I ask you something? When you read a script, right,

Speaker 1 he's reading a script with no stage direction. And he not knowing what the character is saying.
Read it. So when you're reading it, right? Well, read your lines.

Speaker 1 Read your lines the way that you said it. So give me the line.
I'll fucking bring it up.

Speaker 1 Give me the lines, dude. I'll bring it up.
Right. I mean, this is ridiculous.
I just feel like I'm on trial.

Speaker 1 Happy Thanksgiving. Take that photo down.
I look like shit. All right, right here.
I got it.

Speaker 1 Happy Thanksgiving.

Speaker 1 That's what I would. Okay, okay, go ahead.
Because when I fucking text, I say it out loud. Okay, go ahead.
All right.

Speaker 1 Take that photo down. I look like shit.

Speaker 1 And I wrote, I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life.
And you wrote, you too, take that photo down. You too.
Take that photo down. Take that photo down, please.

Speaker 1 I'm fat in it. I'm fat.
Love you. Take it down.
Take it down now.

Speaker 1 I look fat in it. And I wrote, you're not fat.
It's an old picture. And I love you.
You're my best friend. Take it down.
Don't rage me out on Thanksgiving. Don't rage me out on Thanksgiving.

Speaker 1 That's the photo. No,

Speaker 1 that wasn't the photo. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 If that had the fucking my mermaid form, if I was in mermaid form,

Speaker 1 you should have kept it in. It was so cute.
Yeah, yeah. You inspire people with this picture.
Yeah, thank you. Not so much people love the photo.
I love mermaid form.

Speaker 1 And then I said, You said, don't rage me out on Thanksgiving, which immediately pissed me off. All right.

Speaker 1 Pissed me the fuck off when he does that, when he threatens me. And I said, who cares? It's fun.
And he goes, you do whatever you want. you want.
Carlos, I love what Carlos is doing right now.

Speaker 1 I do, too. Because Carlos is going, yeah, Andrew, get him, because he treats me like that, too.
Is that what that smile is? Why am I, like, kind of gay in your impression, too? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And let me say something. It wasn't a smile.
It's just a smile out of, oh, this is like a funny moment. That's all that is.
That's a fun moment. No, no, no.
That's what Andres is doing.

Speaker 1 That's not what Carlos is doing. What is he doing? Carlos is doing, yeah.
Get him. Oh, right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what you're doing.

Speaker 2 Well, I saw the post after all this, and I thought it was strange there wasn't a picture of you with Bobby but I did see the bad friend's marquee but now I know that that was by your choice that you didn't want to be in the post

Speaker 2 okay I'm sorry that's okay I also think oh god what that you're beautiful and if you're looking for a woman that she should accept you and

Speaker 2 this one like what do you want like an airbrush photoshop version of yourself online

Speaker 2 Okay, you deserve someone who really wants to.

Speaker 1 I like what you're doing. Okay.

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 i'm gonna put the picture back up no you're not putting the picture back up i think that's the answer that's not the answer that's the only way to mend this yeah to make up for that you're no longer my sidekick i get the post

Speaker 1 you're an acquaintance right now all right you watch it now let me say something hey it goes both ways it goes both ways so i want to say that i'm self-conscious about the way i look because i'm getting old right

Speaker 1 and these issues never comed up came up when i was in a relationship and now i think i'm going through a midlife crisis or whatever because i just all these new feelings. What?

Speaker 1 I was just pulling up your age to make sure that Juicy knew.

Speaker 1 I know. See what he's doing?

Speaker 1 It's funny. It's funny.
Yeah. That's it.
I know Carlos is on that last row. I'll tell you that right now.

Speaker 1 It wasn't a trap, I promise. No, but it was funny.
Thank you. What did I send you guys?

Speaker 1 Didn't I send you two things this week? Oh, London gangsters. Oh, this was great.
Listen to these two fucking guys talk to each other, man. This is amazing.
All right.

Speaker 1 Max could probably make out what this is because his parents are British.

Speaker 1 And by the way, his name's Bobby, which I loved. But I thought of you the whole fucking time.

Speaker 1 Are these friends or are they arguing? They're two gangsters. They're meeting like they're ex-criminals.
Yeah. And now they're sharing their stories of crime together.
It's like a documentary piece.

Speaker 1 See if you can make out what half of these guys are saying. Probably not.
Let's see. Here we go.
I've taken an assistant governor hostage in a maximum security.

Speaker 1 So everywhere I go, I've got loads of prison officers around me because they think I'm going to take another one. What does that mean?

Speaker 1 It means that only, only 10 officers in riot gear with a governor, an SO, and a PO can open your door. Governor, ResO, and a P.O.

Speaker 1 And they make fun of us all the time. They make fun of us all the time.
But those are like

Speaker 1 their version of hillbillies, right? No, these are criminal girls. I know, but I'm just in terms of a language, though.
No, I would say

Speaker 1 this is their version of like

Speaker 1 hardcore New York gangsters. Yeah, but New York Gen gangsters are pretty clear.

Speaker 1 That's my point. Okay.
We're better than them. We're better than them.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And the guy on the left, as you can see, has been shot in the fucking face. Which one?

Speaker 1 Are you serious? No, which one is it?

Speaker 1 How do you know?

Speaker 1 They say that they're. Just look.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Take a guess.

Speaker 1 Take a guess.

Speaker 1 The white guy? Show him again?

Speaker 1 Zoom in a little bit more.

Speaker 1 What do you think, Bob?

Speaker 1 Okay, next one.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Okay, good call.
Okay. These guys are hardcore gangsters, though.
This is Marvin Herbert and Bobby Cummins, who are like true gangsters, like fucking killed people.

Speaker 1 And they talk about it on this documentary. Okay, so let me just ask you something if you were a gangster which style would you be would you be left or right

Speaker 1 i think by default i'd be on the left because that's the kind of clothing i like to wear i don't like suits yeah me too you know that would be you and i but juicy would be on the right for sure

Speaker 1 you're a suit you're a suit gangster we could never do this what would you do if you went to fucking prison i think you're wrong

Speaker 1 i think you're absolutely wrong you could be i think in this you could be a gangster dude you and i grew up in like middle class so we went to schools public schools, you know, I had country clubs, tennis lessons.

Speaker 1 I didn't have country clubs anyway. I did, I did, country like tennis lessons, ice skating, all that stuff, right? No, yeah, I didn't.
I had none of that. I know.
Can I just tell you me then?

Speaker 1 Yeah, don't say me.

Speaker 1 Sorry, sorry. So I had tennis class, wrestling, I did on the team.
Yeah. My parents got me a car at 16.
You know what I mean? And we had a pool, a tennis court. Yeah, I didn't have any of that.

Speaker 1 I know, I did. And

Speaker 1 I grew up, and this is what I turned out like this. But if I grew up in like you've said this before, this is wrong.
No.

Speaker 1 This is wrong. Huyong.
It doesn't matter who young. Huyong.
If you grew up somewhere else. In the street.
My dad.

Speaker 1 You know what my dad was?

Speaker 1 My father was. Korean.
No.

Speaker 1 My father. No, this is the truth.

Speaker 1 You want to see your truth? My dad was a professional boxer in Korea. Did you know that?

Speaker 1 His record was 0-8. He never won anything.

Speaker 1 He really did. I know, I could tell.
0-8, never won anything, right? And he never went to school because during the Korean War, he was a gangster in the streets, right? And he led his own gang.

Speaker 1 So my dad had, like, stab wounds on his body, all kinds of fucked up shit. That's why he was so violent.
Because everybody fucked him up all the time. Yeah, and he was so small.

Speaker 1 But if you talk to the guys that he grew up with and stuff, they would always say, no, he was like... He would jump on your back and start biting your neck and stuff.
But he would always lose.

Speaker 1 It sounds like he would lose. No, in the professional boxing arena, yeah.
But in the streets, he did knives and shit. But you told me he had stab wounds all over.
Yeah, and he lived through it.

Speaker 1 My point is, is that my point is, is that they used him like a knife block,

Speaker 1 but he was practicing on your dad. But my dad was like a thief.
He was like a bad guy, right? What'd he steal? He was, well, I know gum.

Speaker 1 I know you told me to, he stole gum. He's still

Speaker 1 a bad guy.

Speaker 1 Fuck, lock that guy up. Yeah, he's still

Speaker 1 a bag of gum.

Speaker 1 A bag of gum? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Korea is is so fucking weird.

Speaker 1 So he stole a bag of gum. It was so funny.
A bag of gum? Yeah, back then during the Korean war, that was worth a lot. They just put it in a bag? That's like Korean diamonds.

Speaker 1 It is gum.

Speaker 1 So then, and then he changed his ways. You know what I mean? And we came to America, became a businessman.
My point, though, is he's a hard worker.

Speaker 1 But if I grew up in the same environment, like my brother and I, we were street kids,

Speaker 1 who knows what would happen? I could be in prison. Same with you.
Look. No.
Oh, yeah. Dude, your rage and your anger as it is now.
See that Twitch? Those are rage Twitches, man.

Speaker 1 So what I'm saying, yeah. I think I heard it.
Yeah, you heard the Twitch. So what I'm saying is, if you grew up in a fucking bad environment, right,

Speaker 1 you would be in a different place right now. My dad was in prison, which is the reason I'm not in prison.
I know, but that's in your blood.

Speaker 1 Prison blood.

Speaker 1 Your prison blood, dude. My dad going to prison was the reason I didn't want to go to prison.

Speaker 1 I know. I understand that, but you had your momentum.
You had the example, Dan, and that, that, you know what what I mean, you had to look forward

Speaker 1 to have guidance from. I know, but all I, but, yeah, but I'm saying.
And if you didn't have them and you look, and your dad went to prison, you were in the streets, you would end up just like him.

Speaker 1 Maybe.

Speaker 1 Maybe. Yeah.
Maybe. So basically, if I didn't have my mom and my stepdad.
Yeah, we were blessed because we had guidance in a weird way. I had AA early on in my life.

Speaker 1 Like, I would go to AA meetings and these old AA guys tell me how to live life and the rules and all that stuff. What are the rules? Which is to live in the moment.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Do you think you live in the moment? I do. Do you live in the moment, Juice?

Speaker 2 I try to. I think I do.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You don't? No.

Speaker 2 Well, you live in the past? Wait, let me take that again. Can we go back?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Do you live in the moment, Juicy? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I do. You don't?

Speaker 1 I don't. Yeah, you do.
I don't. You live in the future?

Speaker 1 I live in this.

Speaker 1 In your mind, I mean. I think I.
No, I have a tough time living in the moment. I'm admitting I'm not good at it.
I'm not good at it, but I try to practice it.

Speaker 1 I don't. I'm being honest.
I wish I was better at enjoying the thing while it's happening.

Speaker 2 It's kind of double-edged, though, because I feel like I'm so in the moment that sometimes I forget about

Speaker 1 other things. But what else would you need to know?

Speaker 2 Like, I don't stay in touch with people as well because I'm not, I'm just, like, where I'm at. I'm like, right now I'm here.

Speaker 1 But let me tell you something. I can tell you something.
I had this discussion with someone a couple days ago.

Speaker 1 As you get older, in general, it's so much harder to stay in touch with people. It just is a part of life.

Speaker 1 You like, you like lose, you kind of just lose touch because everyone's got their own thing going on. Yeah.
So it's only going to continue that way. I don't think it's you.
I think it's time. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's unfortunate.

Speaker 1 But it stinks. It sucks.
I hate it. Because you just lose touch.
You know that old saying? I was going to text somebody that we know in this room, that we three know. It was their birthday.

Speaker 1 And I opened up my phone and I saw it was their birthday on my calendar. And I looked at our text message and the last time I texted the person was on their birthday.

Speaker 1 So you couldn't do it.

Speaker 1 And they didn't respond

Speaker 1 when I had said happy birthday. Well, that's because they probably get a thousand of them.
No, this person wouldn't. Oh, I see.
And because of that, I just

Speaker 1 deleted it.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Really? Well, because I didn't. So you got angry about it.
No, I didn't want to feel that feeling again. Right.
Of like seeing another year.

Speaker 1 So I didn't text Tabby Birthday and I deleted that original text as if to say, that's the end of that.

Speaker 1 Damn, you just... Well, I didn't delete them from my phone.
I just, I thought, well.

Speaker 2 Deleted them from your wife.

Speaker 1 Yeah, kind of.

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Now that sounds really good.

Speaker 1 I like switching it up sometimes too with my meals, and I gotta tell you, they give you so many options. It's so convenient.

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Speaker 1 I'll tell you this, and I know you did this, right?

Speaker 1 When I go anywhere, I go to Viator because you want to,

Speaker 1 sometimes you're at a place you don't know where to go. Yeah, you don't know what experiences you want to have when you're outside of your country or your home.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I want adventures or sometimes a tour. Yeah.
And Viator has it all. They do.
You know what they are. They're the world's leading travel experience marketplace.

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You can do something extreme or you can do something very cool and light.

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Speaker 1 A friend of mine told me he got a roll

Speaker 1 and they asked him at a bakery?

Speaker 1 A French roll. Yeah, an onion roll.
And they asked him to do it in a different accent. And then he did it in the accent.
And then I guess then they were like, just do the your regular accent.

Speaker 1 And he was like, oh, did I do it bad? I'm like, no. They probably just thought

Speaker 1 we can't have him doing an accent of another person because we would have to cast the other person and we'd get, they'd get shit for it.

Speaker 1 Because I think these days, people are getting shit for being like, well, why would you just cast that kind of person?

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's fucked up.
That's a weird, that's a weird time. Because it's acting.
Yeah. It's acting.
You're faking it. That's that's it's like you're at you have to act.
It's it's like it's acting.

Speaker 1 It's like, what? Are you only allowed to play Korean guys? Can you play Chinese? No, like when I, when can you play Chinese? I can do it for me.

Speaker 1 You're hired.

Speaker 1 And the Oscar goes to Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 That's a clippy gym.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Because they're protesting right now because of COVID, right? Ooh, what? Yeah, Chinese are protesting against Yi or whatever. Zi Y or Apple employees in China.

Speaker 1 Apple employees are protesting. They're protesting COVID.

Speaker 1 They're protesting COVID. They started it.
What do you mean? No, there's not enough COVID restrictions in Apple.

Speaker 1 There's still a lot of COVID restrictions there. Show the video.
There's a video of robots going through a town in China spraying stuff into the air. Have you seen this? I like it.
I love it.

Speaker 1 Do drones spraying disinfectant. Yeah, there's a fucking video of these drones in the air spraying disinfectant or something for COVID.

Speaker 1 There, right there. Drones spray COVID.
Look.

Speaker 1 Those are drones in China spraying shit for COVID protection. Wow.

Speaker 1 You tell me this ain't the greatest country in the world?

Speaker 1 Dude, how creepy. That's fucking creepy as shit.
Yeah. What's in that?

Speaker 2 COVID vaccine.

Speaker 1 What if we find out it's just MSG?

Speaker 1 Oh, my.

Speaker 1 What about those little robots in LA? What are they? They're delivering foods.

Speaker 1 No one ever told me about it. So I'm driving around the road and I see it for the first time.
I almost crashed my car. That's so funny that you're like, no one ever told me.

Speaker 1 Like, we needed to come to you.

Speaker 1 Boston Dynamics calls Bobby. Well, just call me and go, we have those.
I see them all over the place. Yeah, but

Speaker 1 what's in it? They're Amazon delivery pads. They do like pizza.

Speaker 1 They're all for what? They're all for pizza.

Speaker 1 So they deliver Amazon packaging. They deliver all sorts of shit.
And then, how do you know what happens? Is it knock on the door? It beep, boop, bop, boops. And look at that guy.

Speaker 1 He got fat sales. So he on his phone, he goes, it's here.
He goes downstairs. It opens up with the code.
Yeah, it opens up with the code. And it literally goes,

Speaker 1 it speaks the language to you.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah, I've learned some of it.

Speaker 1 Give me some.

Speaker 1 That means Chinese. Thank you.

Speaker 1 well where do you think who do you think

Speaker 1 that's right uh oh by the way some of them have covet in them like it's random it's kind of like uh yeah you know the

Speaker 1 like this guy like he just got covet for sure yeah yeah misuku papo uh that means thank you and then uh

Speaker 1 is uh look at that fat ass sometimes they're rude sometimes they'll see women

Speaker 1 they'll say disgusting things to women well they're made after our image so that's exactly right yeah you're gonna get some can you stick your penis in one of those little holes that's that's originally that what the top thing was for Oh, is that?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Those two circles.
Those two circles, yeah. Me and you could do it together.
And a year from now, you're in court and that thing's

Speaker 1 going to be.

Speaker 1 This thing gets on accused.

Speaker 1 He's on accuse.

Speaker 1 And the award goes to... Beep, bop, beep, bop, beh, beep, bop, beep up, beef, rubbish, dude.

Speaker 1 Rude, rude.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That's amazing.
They're so fucking stupid. Those cities have.
Is it only in LA, New York, or is it? Take a guess. It's all the annoying cities.
L.A., New York, Chicago, San Francisco.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's all like the fucking pretentious. Right.

Speaker 1 This wouldn't last a fucking hour in like a boise Idaho. Fuck no.

Speaker 1 No. There they are.
Push it over. They'd shoot at it.
For sure. They'd shoot a gun at it.
You see that?

Speaker 1 You see a little robot this morning?

Speaker 1 Fucking kill that thing. They wouldn't let it go.
Right. Postmate.
Yeah, it does all sorts of bullshit. They're all over the place now, though.
I've seen a ton of them.

Speaker 2 I see them too.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what trips me out, though, is they're going start trying to do amazon is pushing to do fully uh electric truck deliver automated trucks oh they would love that

Speaker 1 so no fucking so they want to pay anybody no human no human that's gonna be a nightmare i don't know how they're gonna fucking do that how is it gonna get from the truck to your door did they have one of those things come out

Speaker 1 so the yeah what comes out of the truck wow The job sucks, though.

Speaker 2 I have a friend who has been driving with them for years and they like don't get bathroom breaks. A lot of the dudes will just go pee in the truck.

Speaker 1 Like in a moment.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh yeah.

Speaker 2 Because like where do you park that thing? And they they record like all of your route.

Speaker 1 So they're like... They've got like air tags all over you.

Speaker 2 There's cameras in the car. Like you can't just like stop at a circle kit.

Speaker 1 What do you mean you can't piss?

Speaker 1 But if I wanted to go to Taco Bell, I can't go to Taco Bell.

Speaker 2 They would probably write you up because...

Speaker 1 You gotta go to UPS, buddy.

Speaker 2 You have a specific route and you have to get your deliveries done by a certain time. And if you look at your phone, the like thing is.

Speaker 1 Is it pay good?

Speaker 2 I think it's average.

Speaker 1 I think the pay is pretty good. Okay.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't know what that means, but I think the pay is good. Jose is one of my six roommates, so I don't think it's that good.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Oh, wow. Go back to that thing that you just saw.
20 bucks an hour is what they're getting. That's not bad.
It's 11% better than the national average.

Speaker 1 Amazon says it has over a thousand Rivian electric vans making deliveries in the United States right now. Wow.

Speaker 2 Wow. I think some jobs should be replaced by robots.

Speaker 1 Like what?

Speaker 2 That one.

Speaker 2 But in return,

Speaker 2 there should be more, better jobs created for humans.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. Well, that's the argument, right? That is like, as long as you supplement it with another job, humans have to fix the robots, right?

Speaker 2 Yes, I mean.

Speaker 1 More fix-it-jobs. What else should be replaced? Our thing.
Podcasts?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the Bat Friends podcast. Today we'll be talking about diarrhea.

Speaker 2 I've had diarrhea before.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to think of what should be replaced. It's very difficult.
Fast food.

Speaker 1 Fast food workers are treated like shit. They don't deserve to be treated like shit.
Where would they go? What do you mean? The fast food workers, where are they going to work? Oh, I know.

Speaker 1 I haven't thought that for sure. I mean, it's just like, you know.

Speaker 2 They could start a podcast.

Speaker 1 But fast food should literally be,

Speaker 1 it should literally be a big fucking machine that has all the ingredients and then,

Speaker 1 like a vending machine. They could do that.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 You don't need to be mean to someone for 14 hours.

Speaker 2 I do think there should be some humans if there's food involved.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Less humans of food involved, in my opinion. Well, they should have.
Humans are fucking if it's fast food. Yeah, but we're talking about fucking a steak dinner.

Speaker 2 What if it accidentally grabs a bottle of poison instead of ketchup?

Speaker 1 Why is poison inside the fucking machine? Yeah, yeah, you get one person as the

Speaker 1 person that inserts the food. Like, he's a maintenance guy.
Yeah, the human jobs are you have to

Speaker 1 load the machines. Food loader.
Fix them when they break. Yeah, so there's one guy that works there, but you can eliminate so many.

Speaker 1 So that, how about then what about fine dining? No, no, no, you got to have, because that's about customer service. Oh.

Speaker 1 Because getting a nice server that knows the menu, that can wine pair well with a sommelier at high-end restaurants, all that is a part of the experience of the meal.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Although I sometimes like talk, like if I'm doing a show at night and then I spend the whole day alone, and I'm like, I have to get out of the house to just talk to people before I go on stage in front of a hundred or more people, right?

Speaker 2 So if I go into like a taco boat and I can't talk to anybody, and I just touch a screen, and then the food comes out, and then I eat alone, and then I, you know what I mean? That's slowness.

Speaker 1 Utopia.

Speaker 1 Utopia. That sounds perfect.
That's great.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 no, then back in your car.

Speaker 1 Back to, yeah. That sounds like utopia.
That's gross. That sounds like Japan.
They do all that kind of shit. Japan is like fully automated.
The whole fucking country is automated. Sprinkles, right?

Speaker 1 They do cupcakes. Yeah, but they got to load that with cupcakes.

Speaker 1 The loader. Huh? Yeah, they just have a loader guy.

Speaker 1 But also, sprinkles. Right.
That's a bullshit business anyway. Fucking cupcakes.
Who needs that much? You know how many times I eat cupcakes? Once a fucking year.

Speaker 1 Why do I need a vending machine filled with cupcakes? How many times do you eat fucking cupcakes? All right, I'll get it out. Every other day, baby.
You eat a cupcake every day? Every other day.

Speaker 1 Where do you get a cupcake from? I get at sprinkles. And and also get every day.

Speaker 1 Every other day. I'm being real.
Fuck you. I do.
Look at my fucking postmates. I get crispy creams every other day.
And also, so don't tell me to take down a picture on Instagram because you look fat.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 That's true. But yeah.

Speaker 1 That's just true. But I mean, you're just, you're saying that, like, you don't, people don't eat it every day.

Speaker 1 I don't, you might be the only one I know that eats cupcakes that frequently.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Fans, comment below how often you eat a fucking cupcake. I bet you it's once in a while.
Great white. It's icing.

Speaker 1 That's my fucking. You want to just go bake a cake?

Speaker 1 It's the perfect amount of fucking delicious fucking bum bung. I love it, dude.
All right. Is that that's the treat you eat the most of? Yeah, I wouldn't eat sushi out of a machine.

Speaker 1 That's fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 I would. How? Depends on where I am.
Either in Japan. Japan, I would do it.

Speaker 1 That's where all the fucking sushi comes from. Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

Speaker 1 A sushi from a machine there is just like a bag of chips here.

Speaker 1 Same thing. Yeah.
What else should be automated? They have these. These are women's underwear, too.
You can get in Japan. That I'm a big fan.
Big fan.

Speaker 1 But they're worn. Some of them you can buy worn.
Yeah, that's, I mean, I don't know if that's really true, though. So I've gotten it, and I was like, this doesn't seem worn.

Speaker 1 Back it the fuck up.

Speaker 1 You've ordered some worn panties off the internet? I got them in Tokyo. And then what do you do? What do you, why do you want them worn? You huff them?

Speaker 1 No, it's they claim to be worn, so I opened it immediately and was like, I had to check this out, and it was pretty clean. But did you smell them?

Speaker 1 Maybe.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. I mean,

Speaker 1 what do they smell? Did they smell them?

Speaker 1 They didn't smell them. They didn't wore them.
They didn't? I didn't. I was on my honeymoon, Juicy.
I didn't know.

Speaker 1 Oh, my best name. Somehow that makes it better.
So wait a minute. You got used panties from a vending machine in Japan.
You open up the package. Yeah.
You know it's not used.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm like, I think based on

Speaker 1 just instinct. I just tell me that you smelled them.
I definitely smelled them. And they didn't smell used.
They didn't smell like poopy or anything like that. Do you like the smell of poopy?

Speaker 1 No, but that would have indicated that it was definitely used. Were they female underwear or men underwear? Female, of course.
Question, Bobby Lee. That's a good question.

Speaker 1 I didn't even think about that.

Speaker 1 You don't smell men underwear, even if it says used.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't think you can even get men's underwear. It's more of like a female underwear.
You can now. Bad friends' underwear is going to now be available, used.
Bobby and I's underwear.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you, if you smelled the underwear of the female underwear, and

Speaker 1 you smell pussy juice. Is that the right vernacular?

Speaker 2 Please don't use the word juice.

Speaker 1 You smell our name fluid.

Speaker 1 Pussy sauce. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Pussy sauce.

Speaker 1 The sauce of the pussy. You smell some sauce.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And the sauce, I mean, because sometimes it's like... When you smell the sauce,

Speaker 1 I'm being real. It's like, is this from Europe? This is good shit.
Good sauce. From Europe? I love this sauce, baby.
What sauce? It's like Chick-fil-A special sauce. Right, right.

Speaker 1 And then it's like, if I smelled underwear with that sauce, I would have to find the distributor of it. Right.
Right? So maybe that's a movie. I imagine it's just a movie.
You're in a machine.

Speaker 1 You used female underwear. Yeah.
You smell the sauce. It's so good.
It's your destiny to find this woman.

Speaker 1 I believe, I have a theory that the sauce is so good, right? That no matter what the distributor looks like, you'd be in. You'd be in.

Speaker 2 Wow, this Christmas.

Speaker 1 What if it's Santa Claus? Mrs. Claus.
Mrs. Claus, okay.

Speaker 1 Mrs. Claus has got some sauce for you.

Speaker 2 The underwear is like this big.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's order some used underwear for the show and see if it smells from Japan.

Speaker 1 But also,

Speaker 1 Japanese people are very like clean and cleanly. And I feel like their dirty underwear wouldn't be as gross as our dirty underwear.
They're very clean. We're fat and gross people.

Speaker 1 I still can't believe you eat a cupcake every fucking other day. Why? It's just not normal.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what I eat every other day: cupcakes, krispy cream. I also eat, I don't know why, but every other day, Uncle Polly's.

Speaker 1 Did you see when I got sick, I had to get Uncle Polly's? Yeah. It's one of my favorites.
My favorite too. Yeah.
What is it? It's a sub-sandwich. It's a sandwich chops.

Speaker 1 So I get that delivered every other day, but then I order five sandwiches. I store them in my refrigerator.
Too many sandwiches.

Speaker 2 How many deliveries do you have?

Speaker 1 I don't eat them all at one time.

Speaker 1 What? Why don't you just order them when you want them? Because at midnight, they're not open.

Speaker 1 You can have Uncle Polly's at midnight.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you understand? But should you have a sandwich at midnight? I don't know. I don't know.
Right. But I do.
I get a sandwich.

Speaker 1 No, I think they're dodged before midnight because you shouldn't eat it after midnight. Vitamin D,

Speaker 1 whole milk. Oh, no.
I love it. Bob.
I love it. And then, you know what else? Can I put the picture back up on my Instagram?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. Yeah.
Wait. How much do I use?

Speaker 2 How many food deliveries on average do you get per day?

Speaker 1 DoorDash!

Speaker 1 At least two. At least two.
At least two. Oh, okay.
Two a day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How about you?

Speaker 2 Maybe one.

Speaker 1 A day? Yeah. Yeah.
What do you get?

Speaker 2 I get sweet grains a lot,

Speaker 2 or I go to a body energy club. I'll get them for pickup.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see. Body energy club.
What do you get? Somebody is doing well.

Speaker 2 Have you been there?

Speaker 1 No, I have no idea what that is.

Speaker 2 It's really good. They do acai acai evolves and smoothies.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'll tell you what a buddy said to me, by the way.

Speaker 1 I should show you something. You want to talk? Can we talk conspiracy for two seconds? I love conspiracies.

Speaker 1 Go back, sit down for a second.

Speaker 1 Can he sit down or have that? Of course he can, dude. If he wants to.
Do you want to be on the show, Max? I don't mind. Do you have arthritis or something, the way you walk?

Speaker 1 No, I just walk on my toes. Why?

Speaker 1 Because he wants to be bigger than you. That's incredible.
Thank you. Why did you think that I was an Arsenal fan and why are you shocked by it? It's because I haven't met many Arsenal fans here.

Speaker 1 So that's the only reason you didn't base it upon my ethnicity, my attitude. This is called race baiting.
Oh, he wants you to say something about him being Korean. No, I met.

Speaker 1 When I went to the Arsenal game last year, I met a few Asian people there. Oh, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 Wait, no, no, no. Time out.
Stay there.

Speaker 1 Did they look like him?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 What did they look like? Hmm. Go ahead and describe it.
Describe it. Well,

Speaker 1 No, one name. I'm a police officer.

Speaker 1 I'm a police officer, right?

Speaker 1 Work cops. We're cops, right?

Speaker 1 And the sketch guy is there, whatever. I'm the sketch guy.
You're the sketch guy.

Speaker 1 Cliff Rob. Hey, I'm Cliff Rob.
I'm Officer Rob him.

Speaker 1 I heard that something went down and you were the only one that saw. It was a couple of Asian guys.
So, was it a couple of Asian guys?

Speaker 1 It was a couple of Asian guys. Describe them to me.
I need to be able to draw them. So go ahead.

Speaker 1 Asian guy number one. Describe it to me.
Like around 5'9, nine five eight are you sure it was asian or five nine

Speaker 1 pretty tall five six maybe okay thank you

Speaker 1 five six you know

Speaker 1 you know but buzz cut buzz cut what explain like just like shorter hair like a shorter hair color color buzz cut um sort of like tan maybe filipino the skin it was like a tanner the cut the color of the hair first oh oh black black and then the s the the skin it was like a darker skin a darker skin oh um if you were gonna um um giving us an example of what that skin looks like on something else like

Speaker 1 like that wood sort of make oh wood like this wood skin wood skin they had wood skin wood skin wood skin black hair fine black hair wood skin facial features this is number one

Speaker 1 they had like you know eyebrows

Speaker 1 a delicate

Speaker 1 delicate one had a goatee

Speaker 1 or one had a goate a full goatee. Did one of them perhaps have a Fu Manchu?

Speaker 1 Was it a Fu Manchu? Like they do in the movie. What is that? What's a Fu Manchu?

Speaker 1 Interesting. Interesting.
He doesn't know.

Speaker 1 What about their eyes? The eyes. Color.
The eyes. What color of the eyes?

Speaker 1 Joking a telescope you couldn't see. The color of the eyes.
I couldn't really see their eye color. Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you think shape is important? It is. Officer, shape is a shape.
The shape is important, is it not? I'm drawing shape. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The shape. You know, the typical.

Speaker 1 No, the typical.

Speaker 1 What does that mean?

Speaker 1 The typical. All right, you're free to go.

Speaker 1 You're free to go. Thank you.
We'll bust them. We'll find them.
We'll find them. Yeah.
Thank you. We'll find them.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I got to tell you.

Speaker 1 This was... Okay.

Speaker 1 So, because I spent the last week sicky boy,

Speaker 1 I had to go to CVS.

Speaker 1 I'm not making this up. This is what the shelves look like in the cold and flu section.
I know. Look at me in the face.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 At every CVS and Rite Aid I went to to find some, I had to find two things. They're all sold out everywhere.

Speaker 1 Everywhere. A pharmacist is on the fucking phone at the desk when I go to get a prescription, and she goes to the other pharmacist, somebody robbed Silverlake CVS.
And the guy goes, what?

Speaker 1 What are they, like at gunpoint? No, he stole a bunch of fucking medicine. Wow.
I'm like, and there's a piece of me that's laughing. Everyone is sick more more than it's ever been.

Speaker 1 Am I getting my conspiracy theory thing? I am.

Speaker 1 Something's going on. Oh, here we go.
Look at it. Here are we.
Look at the fucking shelves. Bobby.
This is not one of those seasonal everyone gets sick.

Speaker 1 Everyone I know, everyone I know has just got over being sick or is sick. It's.
The last time I was sick, three months ago, I called Juliana, Rudy Jules, go to CVS, get me these things.

Speaker 1 They were there.

Speaker 1 They weren't. No way.
Yeah, I can tell you. Did it look like that? It looked like that.
Empty shelves. They didn't have NyQuol.
Couldn't find it. They couldn't find Theraflu.
Something like that.

Speaker 1 Couldn't find it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you were sick on Friday. Was this Friday when you went?

Speaker 1 This was two nights ago. So,

Speaker 2 Cyber Monday?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah. Cyber Monday.

Speaker 1 That explains it.

Speaker 1 Right after Black Friday. After Black Friday.
Because you know, Black Friday for cold and flu stuff goes out the shelves first. Wait, is that on sale, though? Yeah.
Well, you can see all of that.

Speaker 1 No, honestly.

Speaker 1 This is a real question. it's all on sale.
Oh, it is on sale. No, that's why.
No, that's just CVS pricing. That's just like, you know,

Speaker 1 I don't know how Black Friday works. Is Black Friday everything is for sale? No, here's the deal.
On Black Friday, only black people can get the deal. That's not true.
That's ridiculous.

Speaker 1 You said that last year and I Googled it, and that's not true.

Speaker 1 That's absolutely not true.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to fall for that trigger again.

Speaker 1 All right. I literally did Google that last year, and that's not true.
So, well, it's so funny.

Speaker 1 I can't believe you tried to trick me 22 years in a row. I just know that you did Google it.
You were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking Andrew.

Speaker 1 Everyone is sick. And my buddy and I were talking about on the phone.
You know what it is? You know who's behind all this? Bezos.

Speaker 1 Campbell's.

Speaker 2 Soup?

Speaker 1 Campbell's soup. How often are they selling soup during the year? A couple cans here and there.

Speaker 1 Come November, when everybody's sick. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Everybody's eating soup. Campbell's is behind this shit.
This is Campbell's Thick and Chunky, dude. They want you to get soup.
Oh, you can't get any medicine. You can't get cough syrup.

Speaker 1 You can't get anything you need.

Speaker 2 Get a can of soup.

Speaker 1 Dude, literally, soup is not something that I think about when I'm sick. Get a can of soup.
I've never thought about soup. You never have soup when you're sick? I haven't had soup in like six years.

Speaker 1 But you have a fucking cupcake every day?

Speaker 1 I do. Okay.
Every other day. Every other day.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 Who eats soup when they're sick? Raise your hand. It's the only time I eat fucking soup.

Speaker 2 I don't get Campbell's, though. You know what has the best chicken noodle soup?

Speaker 1 Whole Foods.

Speaker 1 Dude, you're fucking getting fancy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're getting fucked. She's getting, you know what happened?

Speaker 1 She got a couple of bucks in her pocket, and she is, she's going to whatever that energy aside. Next week is going to be Erwan.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
Next Airwan. I can't go there.

Speaker 2 I used to go there. I used to go there for

Speaker 2 crew when I worked on the Late Late Show, and I would pick up the crew. Their lunch is there, and it's too busy and too comfortable.

Speaker 1 What's the Late Late Show? Oh, with James Cordon?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I used to PA on that.

Speaker 1 Wait, did we talk about that?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Can I say a reporter called me the other day? Wait, what?

Speaker 2 It wasn't nothing crazy. They were just doing some story, and I haven't worked there in over a year.

Speaker 2 And somehow they knew I worked there as a production assistant and asked about my experience with James Cordon.

Speaker 1 Well, that's because they got him in Balthazar throwing, you know, this whole thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 More or less.

Speaker 1 They tried to make it out to be that he was like a fucking tyrant, but, you know, Hollywood has way worse tyrants. You told me to go there.
When we ate there. At Balthazar.
Yeah, in New York.

Speaker 1 Of course, I know. When I was uptown, I couldn't meet you.
Let me tell you about James Cordon, right?

Speaker 1 Go ahead. Do you like him? I don't fucking know him.
I work for him.

Speaker 2 You did? Yeah. What'd you work for him?

Speaker 1 I did a show called Game On. Oh, yeah, that was their production.
It was Ben's show. Yeah, Ben's show, but he was also the producer.
No, I know. I understand.

Speaker 2 I understand. I've driven him before.

Speaker 1 Ben? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's a good dude. He's just a nice guy.
Yeah, Ben's great. But I don't know what the thing is.
Is he an asshole? Who, James? Yeah. No, dude.

Speaker 1 They said he was at Balthasar at a restaurant in New York and he treated the server like shit. That's kind of what this...
I guess that's the summation of it, right? Am I missing something?

Speaker 1 No, that's it.

Speaker 1 So they wanted to dig him in this fucking, you know, bad Europe Hollywood elitist asshole thing, which I don't know, but a restaurant interaction,

Speaker 1 I, you know what, dude? Do you ever have this thing where somebody says hi to you? And like a girl, a girl was hiking, and I passed her and she turned around and went back up the hill with her friend.

Speaker 1 And as they were halfway away from me, she was like, you're so funny. And I didn't turn around, but I go, thank you.
And then she goes, I'm a really really big fan. And I go, thank you.

Speaker 1 And I just kept going down the hill. And I thought, that's fine.
But then there's always a piece in me that goes, that's not fine. Is she going to go, fuck him? He'd even fucking XYZ.

Speaker 1 You got to turn around. No, I'm like, I'm going down.
I'm jogging down. You got to turn around.
I'm jogging down the hill. I got to stop my jogging.
Jock back up. Jog back up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You got to jog back up.

Speaker 1 It's a lot of pressure.

Speaker 2 I was starting to get a small taste of this.

Speaker 1 Now, when I get ready.

Speaker 2 When I work at the comedy store and I'm checking people in by last name, I can't get... there's always at least one person, but it's it's growing in numbers.

Speaker 2 Like last night I worked and I probably six to ten people in the line stopped to say, oh, I watch Bad Friends and two of them took pictures with me. See?

Speaker 2 And I'm like checking them in so I have to keep the line moving and my coworkers are like speeded up and I'm trying to give them

Speaker 2 it's cool. I'm saying I'll get it.

Speaker 1 It's fame. It's fame irritating you.

Speaker 1 Fucking grow up.

Speaker 2 I'm asking you, how do you make a moment out of it?

Speaker 1 It's hard.

Speaker 1 Well, what I'm saying is, I always say thank you or whatever, but there are moments during the day when what I'm saying about the James Corden thing is I don't fucking know about him and this server.

Speaker 1 But in general, people forget that you're also doing your life thing. So sometimes you're not being as conscious of

Speaker 1 them as you are doing whatever the fuck it is you're doing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, like, I think that's a forgotten thing where people are like, hey, like we were walking the USC, USC, UCLA game, and some drunk fucking dude. I mean, it's a ton of people.

Speaker 1 Everyone's trying to mill into this. Some guy, Santo!

Speaker 1 And I go, Hey, man, like, fucking, please don't yell like that. There's so many people around, and it's like, we're just trying.
And he goes, Fucking what up, dude? And I was like, Hey, man, okay.

Speaker 1 And then he goes, You're the shit, dude. And I instinctively yelled.
I go, Thank you!

Speaker 1 Just to be like, right, right. Fuck off a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And people were laughing, And he was too.
But it's like, don't you also know that that's not how to do this in front of humans?

Speaker 1 Other people are there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Some dad, some old dad was like, what the fuck? Who are you? I was like, nobody. I mean, I liked it when they did it to Ted Cruz at the Yankee date.
Was it the Yankee game or whatever?

Speaker 1 Fuck you. You know what I mean? That's funny.
Yeah, Donald Trump called your wife ugly and you ate it. You know what I mean? You fucking coward.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 What would you have done if Trump said, if you were still with Khalil and he'd say, Khila's a pig, a big, fat jungle pig? Well, I never support him in the first place.

Speaker 1 No, but I mean, if he was in your face, what would you do? I go, fuck you, dude. And you go, fuck you, you little dumpling.

Speaker 1 Now what? Now what are you doing to Trump? And then I go, can you sign this headshot?

Speaker 1 I mean, it's a big deal. It is a big deal.
I think you have a selfie. All right, let's tell a truth.
Let's tell the real truth.

Speaker 1 Okay, Trump is in L.A. He is right now? And we hear that he's a huge Bad Friends fan.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Huge. I'm a huge Bad Friends fan.
Yeah. And he wants to come say hi to us.
You don't have to put me on the show, but I want to say hi and see the studio.

Speaker 1 Do you let him do it? 100%. 100%.
Do you take a photo with him? 100%.

Speaker 1 Do you take a photo with him? No. You say no.
No. You literally wouldn't.
Do you not want to make it? If he walked in here, you wouldn't shake his hand.

Speaker 2 I would shake his hand.

Speaker 1 But if you said, he would say, can we get a picture of the crew? Would you get in?

Speaker 2 Maybe I would, but I would do something funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we don't have to do like no smiling.

Speaker 2 But can I tell you something like bummed out?

Speaker 1 Would you guys? What would you do? I'll try to put him in the show. Oh, yeah, good producer, good producer, good producer.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You try to, would you get a photo with him if he was like, I want a photo with Fancy B?

Speaker 1 Definitely. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What about Putin? 100%. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Putin walked in here. 100%.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 Nice to meet you. I'd go, juicy, your day is done.
And then I'd have Putin sit down.

Speaker 1 What if he had like Ukrainian blood on his hands?

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 makes for a good pie. Tried Ukrainian blood on his hands?

Speaker 2 It will be on the merge.

Speaker 1 Just rubbing his forehead, dripping in blood. You're like, oh, my God, Pooh.
Yeah. That's interesting to me.

Speaker 1 That's an interesting question. Like, I hate him, but Trump, but it's like...
I would take a photo. If I saw him.
Dude, so would every fucking show. I know, I know.
That's the thing.

Speaker 1 There's a few people. Dr.
Cruz.

Speaker 1 Definitely. That's a photo for sure.
That's funny. Yeah.
That's a funny one. Any of those.
Lindsey Graham, any of those. O.J.
Simpson. Ooh.

Speaker 1 The juice.

Speaker 1 The juice. I wouldn't even think twice.
We get the real juice. I got a better one.
What's the real juice? What if Bill Cosby? Bill Cosby is a big fan of the show. Wants a photo.

Speaker 1 You get a photo of Bill?

Speaker 1 He would sit there.

Speaker 1 You know what I would do in the photo? What? Right? And it's a one, two, three, and I'd go.

Speaker 1 I would absolutely take a photo. It's funny.
It's a thing to say. I fucked up.

Speaker 1 I want to share this with you guys. So, um, I was listening to The Moth.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah? You know what it is? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Right.
And there was a story where this lady, you know, it's what you know what the moth is?

Speaker 2 Remind me, I forget.

Speaker 1 Every city, you know what I mean, over the last 20 or years,

Speaker 1 they do storytelling competitions and stuff. And they record them.
They're great stories. Sometimes you get prize money, but now it's a podcast and they collect all these stories they've archived.

Speaker 1 And they're very thematic. So once Courage, you'll take one from 12 years ago, another one from London that happened a month ago.
And they're thematic sometimes. So there's this one where, and I,

Speaker 1 there's this one where, um, there was a woman, and she's 81,

Speaker 1 and she's telling a story. I don't know if I do it.
It's pretty long. Fuck it, we're going along anyway.
We can cut it out. In the 50s, she was saying that I got a job at some science lab.

Speaker 1 I was the only woman there, right?

Speaker 1 And all these guys were bullying me. They were pranks on me every day.
I hated the job, right? Then this other guy started working there, and he started protecting me.

Speaker 1 He stood up to the bullies and stuff. And we became friends.
And we would write these letters to each other. This is in the 1950s.

Speaker 1 And we had this coded language that we would give notes back and forth that only we could understand, right? Which is nice. Yeah.
Four months later, she leaves the job, never sees him again.

Speaker 1 This is in the 50s. She's 81 now, right? And she's like, I wonder what happened to that guy that I worked with in the 50s.
And she googles him, can't find him at all.

Speaker 1 But then a week later, he finds her.

Speaker 1 And he gets her address.

Speaker 1 And he sends her something in the mail.

Speaker 1 It's all those notes he saved. No.
Since the 50s.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 And he goes, you know, I've been thinking about you for all these years. He's 91.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
81, 91. Yeah, 81, 91.
Perfect time. Right.

Speaker 1 He lives in San Diego. He makes his oldest son drive him to

Speaker 1 New Hampshire. That's, I guess, where she lives.
So fucking far. There's a pretty get a plane.

Speaker 1 But he drove.

Speaker 1 That's like five days. I know, but one, you know, I mean,

Speaker 1 his heart can implode. He could have died on the drive.
That's true. Anyway, that's what happened.
It took like a month. That's what happened.
Okay, I get it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm not part of that family. It's so long.

Speaker 1 So, anyway, he drives there and

Speaker 1 they get married.

Speaker 1 What? No. Yeah.
They get married. And he kisses her in every

Speaker 1 spot around town. Everywhere they go, like at the post office, at a restaurant, in a park, because he wants a memory of a kiss at every place in this town with her.
Wow, right. He's 91.
He's 91.

Speaker 1 I think it's that he just keeps forgetting.

Speaker 1 Right. Have I kissed you here?

Speaker 1 Yes. We kissed

Speaker 1 six minutes ago here. Right.

Speaker 1 And. Have I kissed you here?

Speaker 1 It's really funny. Okay.
And so for five years, she has the best, this is the best five years of her whole entire life. And she dies.
He dies. Yeah, I was going to say.
In 95, 96, whatever, right?

Speaker 1 Wow. She's still alive.

Speaker 1 So she's looking for love. No, no, she's not looking for love.
My point is, so it's a romantic story, right? Best five years. It is.
But I told Kalila to hear it.

Speaker 1 So I'm sitting at the kitchen table like four days ago. I go, listen to this mob.
And as soon as that note thing happens, right? She tells it, right?

Speaker 1 She just bursts into tears. And like, I can't find love.
It was like terrible. Oh, that was bad on my part.
That was bad on my part. You don't give it to your ex.
Yeah, you don't give it to your ex.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So, you know, guys, don't give that to her ex because it's fucking devastating.
Right? I can't find love. And what come you? You know what I mean? You weren't.
You can't be a bad person.

Speaker 1 It's a bad thing. Yeah, it was fucking terrible.
I'm not going to get it to her. Yeah.
I got to tell you.

Speaker 1 I got to tell you. What?

Speaker 1 I'm putting back up the photo on my Instagram. No, you're not.
Thank you for being a bad friend.