Bobby Eats Cupcakes Everyday

Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho.
Matty, Matty. Matty, Matty, Matty.
Merry Christmas to you. Look what we have.
We have Christmas stuff. Brand new Krimis merch.
Krimis merch. Juicy's got the Home Alone shout out with her face, and we did her glasses on it even, which is amazing.
Mine's just red with Bad Friends. You've got the OG Bad Friends, and I've got the ugly family Walmart photo.
Go to badfriendsmerch.com. You can get all this stuff there.
It's great for stockings. Say some other stuff it's great for.
It's good for the under the tree. And? It's good for Santa.
And? And the elves. And? Eggnog.
Wearing this and drinking eggnog is so good. Go to badfriendsmerch.com.
Hey, bad friends. I'm going to be in Boston.
New Year's Eve. Come out and see me New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve the night before.
If you already have plans on New Year's Eve, come see me the night before. Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.
AndrewSantino.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
What the fuck are you talking about, man? No, no, no. Hold on.
All right, Max. Deliver the keys and the Red Bull to...
Well, that's his name? That's Max. That's me.
That's me. That's our new intern.
I know, but... Do you not know who our interns are? I know, but...
Spectrum or Is he? Yeah You tell me He's like super spec What are the He's a super spec dude Bring up some traits Of people that are on the spectrum Yeah yeah yeah And we'll just go down the list I'd love to know Because I've been observing them You want him to sit down And talk to him for a second? I don't really Go ahead Max Max go sit down Max right? Sit down Max sit down down and put on the headphones. Do you get your hairstyle from the Culkins?

I mean, did you see Home Alone?

That's the one.

Oh, Macaulay?

Any of them.

Do you know who the other Culkins are?

No.

Do you know that they're actors?

I know Macaulay Culkin.

He is the sickest.

There's another one.

Who's the other one?

The other one's on Succession.

You like Succession.

I've only seen the first season. Yeah, he's on it.
Every single episode. He's on it.
Kieran Culkin. Kieran Culkin.
Oh, really? He looks exactly like Macaulay Culkin. He looks just like Macaulay Culkin.
And who's the third one? Rory. Rory.
This is Rory. What movie? Nobody knows.
Signs? Oh, yeah. He was a Signs kid? No, he wasn't.
Rory Culkin was in Signs. He was the kid with the water.

No, the girl was with the water.

That's her brother.

Wait, Google Rory Culkin in Signs.

What did he do in Signs?

He was the son of fucking Mel!

God, don't get me angry.

It's a great movie.

What are you doing zooming out?

Wait a minute.

That's Rory Culkin.

Do you remember?

He tilts the fucking Mel's head. That's him to the left.
Go back to the picture, that first one. Yeah.
Who's that guy on left? Is that guy... That's Mel Gibson.
Is that Kanye West? No, that's not Kanye West. That's the first guy that did that.
I think he was... Kanye West was influenced by this guy.
Is that Kanye East? East. That is right there.
Mel Gibson. Yeah, so Rory Culkin was in Signs.
He was great in that movie. Shout out to the Culkin clan.
They're killing it. So did you see Signs? East.
Yeah, Mel Gibson. Yeah, so Rory Culkin was in Signs.
He was great in that movie.

Shout out to the Culkin clan.

They're killing it. So did you see Signs?

No, never seen Signs. Okay.

Do you know what it is? No.

We'll tell you what the movie's about. So for our audience, by the way,

this is our intern, Max. He is a family

friend of mine. He's working for us.

And is he doing a good job, guys? Yeah.

Fancy tells the truth

and Carlos says, and you know what, Carlos? I like you more. Yeah.
Because Fancy went like this. You know how judgmental he is, Spanish people.
You're doing a good job. So, Sainz, tell him about Sainz because he's been out for so long.
So, Sainz... It's about an alien invasion.
M. Cheyenne.
M. Nack Shamalax.
Oh, he makes good movies. M.
Nack. Shamalam.
Shamalam and Ding Dong did it. Right, so he,

basically,

it's like a gay sci-fi,

right?

It's a gay sci-fi movie.

It's a gay sci-fi movie.

It was the first gay sci-fi movie

of its time.

So these aliens come down

and Mel Gibson sees them

kissing in a field.

Okay.

And he's smoking a cigarette

and he sees-

Cigar, it's a cigar.

It's a cigar?

It's a Cuban cigar.

It's a Cuban cigar.

Because he's half Cuban in it.

That's right.

Right.

And he sees these two aliens

kissing in a field. That's him with a Cuban cigar right there.
Look at how fake those Cuban cigar. And that's a Cuban right there.
a Cuban cigar Because he's half Cuban in it That's right And he sees these two aliens Kissing in a field That's him with a Cuban cigar Right there And that's a Cuban cigar Right there Yeah Right next to him He hangs out with Cubans And right now They're just friends They're just friends They're just friends Yeah yeah yeah Love that I've seen it Yeah that's great right You saw it I've seen signs Yeah and what happens is Two male aliens are kissing See Mel is Mel right Is a preacher But he's Gotcha. He's gay, but he hasn't come out to his family.
And he murdered his wife, but that's later. Wait, he murdered her? Yeah.
I thought the little boy kills her. Through him, though.
Right, he takes over his body. Right, right.
Through him, he does it. Right.
Mel Gibson is a gay... This isn't hard.
No isn't hard no no I know Mel Gibson's a gay preacher he sees two gay aliens kissing a little boy embodies Mel and kills his wife which is his mother so is the little boy the alien huh is the little boy the alien no the little boy's his son human yeah he's a human right the fucking aliens are gay those ones in the field isn't his son his son's making love to another alien what are you talking about and you can tell that the only reason you know that they're gay when the spaceship comes down it's like and then they come out and they go take me to your leader your leader your leader leader leader I thought that part that was like that was a little over the top. Way over the top.
It kind of throws it off.

I just thought that was overkill.

They didn't need to be that flamboyant about it.

Yeah, kind of stereotypical, but it was a different time.

It was.

But signs is a symbol, right?

And the sign is that like...

This is the sign.

That's how they say, take me or your leader.

On the two gay aliens on their bodies, there is a...

They have a hieroglyphic tattoo-y kind of a thing. Yeah, what is it? And it's like, I don't remember.
Well, it's a rainbow flag. Oh, right.
Well, no, no, no. It's an all-inclusive flag.
Oh, that's what it was. Yeah, because I think they updated it.
Well, that's how it came up because the signs came out and then that's how they created the sign for the movement. And the end scene, the aliens are playing tug of war, but they're doing it with anal beads.
So they're looking both in different directions, and they're pulling as hard as they can, and the beads are... And Rory Culkin, for some reason, he does a jump rope thing.
So... No, they do the...
He goes... Their anal bead jump rope is...
He just assumes that it's playtime. Right.
And he does like eight, eight to ten, right? I think it's ten. And Mel goes like, stop it.
Cut it out. Cut it out.
That's what Mel says. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, that's the movie. That's the movie.
That's a really good movie. Yeah, you should see it.
And there's a twist though. Oh.
Yeah. What is the twist? M.
Night always has a twist. Yeah.
M. Night.
Do you remember what the twist was in Signs? Well, the twist is, okay, so the kid ends up also feeling really gay. Yeah, I think that's right.
Yeah, and then they find out the son isn't Mel Gibson's blood son. That's right, that's right, that's right.
His mom was dead, and in her will they find out that it's not really his father. And then, despite the age difference,

they fall in love,

Mel Gibson and his non-biological son.

And they're happily gay together.

That's it.

That's it.

Bing, bing, bing, bing. And they're also dead the whole time.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They are dead the whole time, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're all dead the whole time.

Yes, they are.

That's it.

Which is, you know,

he should change themes.

Like, he should switch it up.

I know.

Well, the kid saw dead people in the original one, but this time they were dead themselves.

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was no village, but it was pretty good.

Yeah.

It's pretty good.

You're going to watch it?

I mean, yeah.

It's on my list now.

Let me ask you something, Max.

Is that your name, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

How old are you?

I'm 20.

Where are you living? He lives here. I live here.
I know, but where? Like, down the Is that your name, right? Yeah, yeah. How old are you? I'm 20.
Where are you living?

He lives here.

I live here.

I know, but where?

Like down the street.

But in an apartment?

No, with my parents.

That's mean.

That's mean.

This time of year, I have allergies.

Oh, is that what it was?

Right, and so it just comes out.

Get him some Claritin.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, get him some Claritin.

Yeah, with an R. So let me ask you something.
Your little deference? He's 20 years old. I didn't do anything.
Why are you making fun of him? He's like 40 years younger than you. I'm not making fun of him.
Fuck you. I wasn't doing that.
Juicy, yeah. I wasn't doing that.
I'm sorry if that came across that way, right? No, it's fine. Do you have a job? This is my job.
This is his fucking job. This is his job? Yeah, we hired him.
I did? I did. Oh, but does it come out of my shit or no? You better believe it.
Oh my God. Well, next time you hire people, can I go through that process with you? Nope.
Okay. No, he's an intern.
What are you getting paid, Max? Experience. Oh, so you're not getting any money.
Goose egg. Right.
We're going to give him a gift when it's over. So when you come home and your parent's like, Max, clean your room.
They're British, his mom and dad. Max, clean your room.
That's a really good British accent. Thank you.
Maximilian. Yeah, Maximilian.
That's his real name. Right? And then you go, oh, is this? This is working.
How did you get paid? Nothing. And they feel good about that? Yeah.
Okay. This is a job interview for me.
Okay, he's already got the job. I know, but I just need to go through the interview.
You got it. All right, thank you.
You good with this, Max? I'm here for it. You are? Okay.
Let me, if I were to guess, you've had sex with one person? Okay. No, enough.
First of all, that's illegal to ask about sex. You can ask sex stuff in an interview.
Can I take it back? No, it's over. He's going to sue us.
We're fucked. All right, let me take it.
Lawyer up. I'm going to go a different direction.
Please. Do you believe in God? Is that better? What are you doing? Oh, you're not supposed do that? no alright let me ask you did you play sports? it is illegal to ask a job candidate about their age or genetic information birthplace, country of origin citizenship, disability gender, sex, sexual orientation marital status, family or pregnancy race, color, ethnicity or religion you knocked out all of them oh I get it alright so now that I know the rules, okay, right? May I start anew? Of course.
Okay. You like sports? Yeah, I watch a lot of soccer.
Do you really? Yeah. Oh, this is something you guys have in common.
Really? What club do you support? Arsenal. No, you don't.
Yes, he does. Swear on my life.
You swear on your life. His mother and father are from England.
Let me ask you some questions. I'm just going to ask him some Arsenal questions.
Go on. Go ahead.
Yeah. What's the stadium called? Emirates, of course.
And then before that, it was Highbury. Top scorer of all time, Thierry Henry.
Keep going. Keep going to Tickle his fancy.
On the Thierry Henry team, name me three other players that were on that team. We have Patrick Vieira.
Cesc. Well, it Sesc Fabregas.
He was younger, but he was... Yeah, and then we have Campbell, Bergkamp.
Ian Wright was before. Ray Parler.
Yeah, Perez. Freddy Youngberg.
Yeah. Did you just fall in love with Max? He's hired.
He's the fucking man. Bro, you're hired? I don't care if you have the suspect.
He's not on the spectrum. I don't care that you have albino-isms, right? I don't care that you're an incel and you haven't had sex, right? I don't believe you believe in God or not, whatever we're looking for.
First of all, he believes in God, and he's a fuck machine. He is.
He really is a fuck machine? He's a sex machine, dude. Oh, fuck yeah, dude.
And he's an Arsenal fan. Well, he's an Arsenal, but that's why.
That's why he fucks. That's what he says when he gets girls at the bar.
He goes, hey, Arsenal?

Yeah, so can I ask him one last...

And they just...

So wet.

Let me ask you something about...

What do you think it would have placed at the end of the year?

Realistically, top three.

Because you think that we don't have a bench,

and you think that in the second half of the year,

we're going to falter.

I just think our team's very young,

and that fatigue is going to happen eventually. You're right.
Especially with the worked up with the i really do agree with you but i think we'll take top four this year no of course champions league which is going to which is going to bring in new players who because a lot of players haven't been coming to arsenal because we're not a champions league contender that's exactly right and then therefore we'll have it's not it's not nerd alert sorry nerd alert it's not nerd alert this is what the world watches by the way so let's talk Let's talk relevancy now Beyond the fact that you guys Fell in love for Arsenal Say goodnight to Max Goodbye Max Max you're the best in the world Thank you Now go back there And do the thing you do With Carlos behind the scenes That nobody talks about Max you're the greatest Should I just leave this here Yeah Give him a high five On the way out Because he loves you so much Wow God bless Max isake, man. God bless.
Max is the fucking best. What a fucking good one.

Love, Max.

Where'd you find this little angel?

Family friend, dude.

Yeah, he's way better

than all these other guys.

100%.

Yeah, they don't know

nothing about nothing.

So let's talk what happened today

even though it's gonna come out

in a while.

What?

USA.

We won.

You better believe we won.

Barely.

Do you know what happens to Iran?

Ah, they die.

They kill him.

They kill him.

They 100% kill them. They die.
Well, they put the little thing on what the women wear. What is it called? Shob? It's called Shob? I call it a British Shob.
It's called a Shob? What's that thing they put out of it? A burka. Burka? I don't know why I said Shob.
So then what they, the Iranians go back, they put the burka on. Right.
They tear it, and then they make them tear it off. And then they beat them.

Do they beat them?

Yeah.

Oh.

Look at that, though.

USA.

This is going to come out a little bit later, but thank God we won today.

1-0.

Yeah, but we're going to lose during – the Netherlands is next.

We're going to lose.

Sure.

Yeah, we're out.

That's okay.

Brother, it's not our main gig.

If Americans pushed our top athletes to play that sport we would win every world cup but here's the problem imagine if michael jordan lebron james any of those guys that played basketball stuff grew up playing fucking soccer but here we would rule here's the problem here's the initial problem what's the problem watch your though. Okay.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas? Yeah.
Okay. And I love you.
Happy Hanukkah. I love you, too.
Go ahead. The problem is, and you know I like footy.
I think footy's tight. My problem is black guys who are the greatest athletes here in the United States.
Hand over fit. It's not even a conversation.
Not even a conversation. It's not cool enough.
That's what I'm saying. It's just it's just not cool enough but in England it is I know but how could you make it cool cause look black guy you have to get rid of the NFL and the NBA we have to get rid of the two most profitable that's impossible I know that's what's never gonna happen it's never gonna happen yeah but if you got rid of those two organizations and you banned like if I was the president I would ban those two sports basketball out new york right you can only play in new york and those little fucking cement things they would yeah what are those called basketball courts right but i call them cement things you would it just have it would just be it'd have to be cooler that like the problem is basketball dunking is like so fucking cool.
Dude, an overhead kick is so cool. But it happens so rarely.
And dunking happens all the time. Okay, I bet you money.
A scorpion kick is way better than any dunk. No, no way.
You know what a scorpion kick is? Yeah, of course. What is it? What do you mean? It's fucking where you go over your head and you kick it backwards.
That's an overhead kick. Scorpion.
And then you...

Oh, no.

Scorpion.

The legs go above the back.

Yeah, I saw...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I saw...

What's his name do that?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that.

What's his name?

Olivia Juro did it once.

Yeah.

Michelitarian did it once.

With an M.

Who's the M guy?

The little tiny Mexican guy with an M.

Maradona?

Maradona did it.

Maybe he did it.

No, he did.

There's a video of him doing it.

Yeah, but Olivia Juro did my favorite one.

His Argentina.

The Olivia Juro scorpion kick is the best one I've ever seen. But I'm saying, here's the point.
This happens so rarely. Dunking happens every night on ESPN.
They have the top 10 best fucking... I acquaint it to this.
Yeah. And listen to me, heary, heary.
Heary, heary, everybody. Listen up.
When you fuck, you've fucked before, right? Couple times. I know.
You've fucked before? Yeah. Right? She'd be fucking.
Imagine as a guy that you orgasmed 82 times during a session. 82.
But they're like little orgasms. Or you have one orgasm at the end that's a relief.
You know what? What? I'll take the 82. That's what soccer is.
I'll take the 82. You'll take the 82 little ones.
Of course. That's basketball.
That's basketball. Yeah, no.
I take the one at the end. No, that's not what it's...
What, is this going to end? Oh my god! It's amazing! It's amazing! It's amazing! It's amazing! Now, here's soccer. He's 16 more.
No, that's wrong. That was it.
No, it's a little's amazing it's amazing it's amazing now here's soccer he's 16 16 more that's it no that's wrong that's wrong that was it no it's wrong the little orgasm is too much all those little ones are the big ones right so this is what they are right that's what you're doing still feels good feels good Feels good. Right.
But this is fucking. And he's just shaking.
Right. Right.
Sounds like you're hurt. Maybe it's too much.
Maybe it's too much. Maybe it's too much.
But my point is, is that footy should be bigger here. It's just not.
It's just not cool enough for the black guys. I know, but it...
Maybe basketball with feet only? That's footy. No, but the goal's up high in a little basket.
Oh. Oh, just make it very hard.
Harder. Yes.
It's hard enough to score in soccer as it is. Make it harder? Yes.
Then it's cool. I saw a great meme that someone put out that said, here's how an American wants to fix soccer to make it more American.
What? The field is too big. Make it much, much smaller.
Make the goals much smaller. Take out half of the people on the field and then put it on ice.
Yeah. Right, right, right.
Then it's a perfect American sport. Yeah.
Then you can fit more people in the stadium. You can sell more drinks.
It's great. Anyway, it's never going to happen.
That being said, congratulations, USA. Yeah, that that too congratulations we i want to address something that's been three weeks in the making now or two weeks in the making now bobby's twitter was hacked it's still there please stop texting or please stop fucking adding us saying do you know that this yeah we fucking know it's hacked we've known it's hacked there's nothing i can do we've tried so many different ways he's hacked please's hacked.
Please don't buy a laptop from him. Don't buy a laptop.
Don't buy a laptop. Apparently somebody did buy a laptop from him.
Six people bought a laptop. Oh, my God.
That sucks. Stop buying.
Don't even. Don't unfollow me yet.
No, because he's going to get it back. Yeah, I'm going to get it back.
Don't unfollow me. Don't buy these.
What the fuck are you guys doing? Yeah, yeah. Don't buy those.
What really sucks is now you can't do your actual laptop business yeah well that's true that's true i had one and now oh my god don't even get off of that it makes me so mad you know it's like i've never had my identity identity stolen have you that's still not the identity i know but it's just such a big difference between that you've never had your twitter hacked you've never had your social media first of all you know i would really like you for this new year coming up let me finish my sentence before you make a joke and you shame me oh so don't do the show good no do it good let's keep doing what you're doing okay i like it good you're right i'll not change i'm saying I didn't finish what I was saying. I apologize.
I go, I've never had my identity hacked, right? But having your Twitter hacked, it feels vaguely, you can kind of assume what it might feel like if you quadrupled that feeling. You know what? You should have fucking interrupted me because you're right.
I had no idea what I was talking about.

I always know when you don't know what you're going to say. You have the instinct to do it.

Right.

So I didn't know what to say.

And then when I kept going, I was like, oh my God, I'm going into a desert.

Bobby's like the guy that he throws a brick through a plate glass window to like rob a place.

But then it's like the alarm's going off and then he doesn't, he has no idea what to do to rob.

Well, no, I throw a brick in the second window and I realized I didn't bring a ladder. How i get out there right so i made a mistake there's a couple of steps two-story bank i'm gonna right but my my but it there is something violating about being hacked being hacked in any way because it's like how do you get it back we've tried right i write i write we wrote to twitter We wrote to fucking the verified account.
Yeah. You know, Elon.
Elon. Dear Elon Musk, please help, Bob.
But you know, it's been freeing because Twitter's one of those things I go on every single day. It sucks.
Twitter fucking sucks. Have you been hacked before? Mm-mm.
But I am getting messages for him. Actually, I was kind of hacked.
When I was a kid, I was in sixth grade. I had AIM, and my AOL screen name was Fun Size Cowgirl because I was very small, and all the candy bars that were miniature are called Fun Size.
So at school, they called me Fun Size, but Toy Story 2 came out, Jesse the Cowgirl. So Fun Size Cowgirl, great screen name.
Anyway, somebody hacked it. That's what I Google in Pornhub.
And it might have been you then who took it because somebody took my name and started sending out porn with it, and I got bombarded with messages. One day, I logged into the computer, all excited to talk to my friends, and all these pop-ups were coming up, and they were like, that's disgusting what you sent me.
I don't want to ever see that again or like can send me more, please. That was great.
As a kid, what do you do in that situation? I just started crying and I was like shocked and then my mom stepped in and like- Took care of it. Yeah.
And then I was like- Sucks. Jesse J3120.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boo.

Boo, boo.

Yeah, it's like,

Please don't buy a laptop from Bobby.

I'm going to say it again because people have been sending me

fucking constant ads.

And also,

if you are getting suckered by this,

A, I'm sorry,

but also,

come on.

What?

Well, how fucking stupid are you?

Yeah, I know.

You're right.

That's like, what are you doing? You really think Bobby's selling a fucking laptop? I don't even promote my things. Yeah.
He doesn't promote this show. I don't promote this show.
Why would I sell you a fucking laptop? It's the same people that get duped into fucking like a Nigerian prince sending them millions of dollars and all that stuff. It's like, you feel bad, but you're like, but do I? That's nuts that they got you.
Yeah. it's Susan how are you I don't know who the fuck is Susan who are you I kind of want to go I'm fine Susan how are you and see what happens what happens after that that's how they hug your Twitter account yeah when you start conversing with them oh it's all making sense oh you're saying that I started conversing with some guy.
With Sisa. And that's how they...
Sounds like you're saying that. No, I didn't say that.
No, that's not what I'm saying. I don't know.
That's not what I'm saying. And you know what, dude? Be careful because Max is around the corner and he might take your job.
I might promote Max. Do it.
You wouldn't mind? How could I mind? I love it, kid. So if I got rid of...
Andres is a big part... Look at it.
He has a photo of it. No, no.
He's a huge part of the show. Yeah.
Then Carlisle. Fire Pete.
Oh, Pete. Pete's never even here.
He's not even here, right? I'm thinking about it. Watch it.
Watch it. Your friend fucking Pete is gonna get fired.
Watch it for Pete. You watch it for Pete.
So, what's going on with you? What? You don't want to talk about your Susan. Ship Station.
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This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You guys, during the pandemic and even now, I use BetterHelp for my mental health.
And I think therapy is very important. Same.
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We can't go personal? We can.

Is everything good?

Yeah, things are good.

Alright, good. I don't think we can.
Let's move on. get it Let's move on Yeah Alright hold on It's uncomfortable Well I will Okay I'll just say I told Bobby a secret And I told you I'm not You know I confided in you At lunch Trusted you I trusted you And wanted you to keep it a big secret As a mentor And what did you do i kept it a secret no you did not i kept it attention everybody everywhere listen up to what juicy just told me i didn't do that and that's ridiculous it was so cool i was at the before it happened it was closed in the at the uh comedy store by the office i was about to host a show in the main room and i was with paulie shore then then Rick Ingram came up He's like here for a second For a second he's here on tour with Chris Rock And we both opened for Pauly And then Bobby comes up So I'm like holy shit All Pauly's openers are here And then Bobby looks right at Pauly And just blurts out this secret And it kind of felt And it kind of felt like you wanted to see if he knew.
Can I defend myself real quick? Yes. May I defend myself real quick? You can say no.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm going to do it anyway.
Right. She says no.
She knows that. Yeah, I get that.
Right? Yeah. So number one, I thought it was.
So when somebody says a secret, I think that I always think that the people in this inner circle already know the secret. Right.
So it's just like, you know, I mean, did you say don't tell anybody? I said I've told very few people. Oh, that's one of them.
Then I'm on Bobby's side now. I can't remember if I said don't tell anybody, but I like it was I'm on your side.
I felt like it was very obvious. Because when you say I've only told a few people that means you've told 50.
No I really hadn't. Let me just defend myself right.
It's your old boss a guy that his family owns the club right. A guy that's hired you to open for him right.
You tell him a lot of things because he tells me the things you tell him, right? He tells me the things you tell him, right? So I just assumed that that was okay in that environment. Number two, right? Who was I with? Oh, this is the only reason you brought this up? Because Bobby was with a Smoke Show 10.
Now I'm getting it. So I'm with a smoke show 10.
That's the only reason you brought this up. That's not what I brought it up.
That's not what I brought it up, right? I'm smoking, man. Yeah, I got the smoke show.
You know what I'm going, right? And I'm in a... Because she's like, I want to meet Pauly.
I don't know why. You know what I mean? There's other people around.
You know what I mean? I'm Polly. So I go, yeah.
I bring him, right? There was this awkward, like, thing where it's like, I didn't know what to say, right? And I'm with Smoke Show, right? So I just, I look at her and I go, just the thing that came to my mind, I was like, how's that thing going? Whatever that thing. You brought out her secret.
Yes. Hey, hot girl, listen to this other girl's secret.
No. Good move.
I think first he said this is Jesse she's my sidekick and then he blurted out the big secret oh I said sidekick are you not my sidekick though I am she's our sidekick I know but you weren't there I know but just say this is our sidekick and they'll go I apologize. Me and my boy.
I apologize, and I won't take it personal if you don't tell me secrets anymore. But how about this? Be more specific.
Tell me the secrets, and I won't tell anybody. I will tell Bobby, but I won't tell anybody after that.
And then hopefully he won't tell anybody. I got my first taste of a bad friend from you.
Oh, that's your first bad friend to actual bad friend. Oh, good.
I like that. Because before you're like this magical genie in my life and you're just granting like all my wishes.
And now you see through all the books. Welcome to reality.
I'm starting to like see it. See what? What? No, what are you seeing? No, shut the fuck up.
What are you seeing? I'm starting to see some of your flaws that I never saw before. Whoa, this is wild.
Yeah, I'll be honest. And I will say I still love you very much, despite your flaws.
Okay. And maybe because of your flaws.
All right. I'm a flawed man.
Let me tell you what Bobby did to me. Thanksgiving Day.
Thanksgiving Day. No, this wasn't a big deal thank you but it made me laugh i put up i never post on instagram every fucking month i put up a photo maybe and i delete them because i hate them because i fucking hate that app i put up a photo genuinely of pictures that i genuinely i wrote thankful that's all i wrote i saw that post he was number.
There was a picture of Chris O'Connor, one of my best friends in comedy.

Like, I just put up a bunch of photos of fun stuff because I never post.

I thought this would be okay to do.

Within seconds, he texts me.

Take that fucking photo down, bro.

Not even like, hey, what's up?

Love you.

He goes, take that fucking photo.

And I go, seriously?

And he goes, yeah, dude.

I look like shit in that photo.

First of all, no, he doesn't. He's sitting down naked.
He looks cute as fuck. It was on the couch in San Diego.
You guys remember that photo. And I love that photo.
And it broke my fucking heart. So I sat on the couch by the fire, sad, and I deleted it.
And it really bummed me out. And I was like, you really want me to take it down? And you're like, do whatever you want, bro.
it down can I ask you something when you read a script right he's reading a script with no stage direction and he's not knowing what the character is saying read it so when you're reading it right well read your lines read your lines the way that you said it so give me the line I'll fucking bring it up give me the lines dude I'll bring it up right I mean this is ridiculous

I just feel like I'm on trial

happy Thanksgiving

take that photo down

I look like shit

alright right

I got it

happy Thanksgiving

no

that's it

that's what I would

okay okay go ahead

because when I fucking text

I say it out loud

okay go ahead

alright

take that photo down

I look like shit

and I wrote

I love you

I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life. And you wrote, you too.
Take that photo down. You too.
Take that photo down. Take that photo down, please.
I'm fat in it. I'm fat.
Love you. Take it down.
Take it down now. I look fat in it.
And I wrote, you're not fat. It's an old picture.
And I love you. You're my best friend.
Take it down. Don't rage me out on Thanksgiving.
Don't rage me out on Thanksgiving. That's the photo.
That's the photo? That wasn't the photo. The photo where it didn't have the, if that had the fucking, my mermaid form.
If I was in mermaid form, you should have kept it in. It was so cute.
Yeah, yeah. You inspire people with this picture.
Yeah, thank you. That's how much people love the photo.
I love mermaid form. And then I said you said don't rage me out on Thanksgiving which immediately pissed me off.
All right. Pissed me the fuck off when he does that when he like threatens me and I said who cares it's fun and he goes you do whatever you want.
I love what Carlos is doing right now. I do too.
Because Carlos is going, yeah, Andrew, get him because he treats me like that too. Is that what that smile is? Why am I kind of gay in your impression too? Yeah.
And let me say something to you. It's just a smile out of, oh, this is like a funny moment.
That's all it is. No, no, no.
That's what Andreas is doing. That's not what Carlos is doing.
What is he doing? Carlos is doing, yeah, get him.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

That's what you're doing.

Well, I saw the post after all this, and I thought it was strange there wasn't a picture

of you with Bobby, but I did see the Bad Friends marquee.

But now I know that that was by your choice, that you didn't want to be in the post.

Okay, I'm sorry.

That's okay.

I also think-

Oh, God.

What?

That you're beautiful, and if you're looking for a woman that she should accept you and this what you like what do you want like an airbrush photoshop version of yourself online okay you deserve someone who really loves you i like i like what you're doing okay so i'm gonna put the picture back up no you're not're not putting the picture back up. I think that's the answer.
That's not the answer. That's the only way to mend this.
Yeah. To make up for that.
You're no longer my sidekick. I get to post it too.
You're no longer my sidekick, okay? You're an acquaintance right now, all right? You watch it. Now, let me say something.
Hey, it goes both ways. It goes both ways.
So, I want to say that I'm self-conscious about the way I look because I'm getting old right and these issues

never came up

when I was in a relationship

and now

I think I'm going through

a midlife crisis

or whatever

because I just

all these new feelings

I was just pulling up

your age to make sure

that Juicy knew

I know

see what he's doing

it's funny

it's funny

yeah

that's it

I know Carlos is on that

last robot

right now

it wasn't a trap

I promise

Thank you. What did I send you guys? Didn't I send you two things this week? Oh, London Gangsters.
Oh, this was great. Listen to these two fucking guys talk to each other, man.
This is amazing. All right.
Max could probably make out what this is because his parents are British. And by the way, his name's Bobby, which I loved.
But I thought of you the whole fucking time. Are these friends or are they arguing? They're two gangsters.
They're meeting like, they're ex-criminals. Yeah.
And now they're sharing their stories of crime together. It's like a documentary piece documentary piece.
See if you can make out what half of these guys are saying. Probably not.
Let's see. Here we go.
I've taken an assistant governor hostage in a maximum security, so everywhere I go, I've got loads of prison officers, because they think I'm going to take another one. What does that mean? It means only 10 officers in riot gear with a governor, an SO, and a PO can open your door.

Governor, an SO, and a PO.

And they make fun of us all the time.

They make fun of us all the time.

But those are like their version of hillbillies, right?

No, these are criminal.

I know, but I'm just in terms of language, though. No, I would say this is their version of like hardcore New York gangsters.
Yeah, but New York gangsters are pretty clear. That's my point.
Okay. We're better than them.
We're better than them. Okay.
And the guy on the left, as you can see, has been shot in the fucking face. Which one? Are you serious? No, which one is it?

How do you know?

They say that then? Just look.

Oh my God.

One.

Take a guess.

Two.

Take a guess.

The white guy?

Show him again.

Zoom in a little bit more.

What do you think, Bob?

Okay, next one.

I don't know. Okay call okay these guys are hardcore gangsters though this is marvin herbert and bobby cummins who are like true gangsters like fucking killed people and they talk about it on this documentary okay so um let me just ask you something if you you were a gangster, which style would you be?

Would you be left or right?

I think by default, I'd be on the left because that's the kind of clothing I like to wear.

I don't like suits.

Yeah, me too.

You know, that would be you and I,

but Juicy would be on the right for sure.

Yeah, you're right.

You're a suit gangster.

We could never do this.

What would you do if you went to fucking prison?

I think you're wrong.

I think you're absolutely wrong.

You could be a gangster. Dude, you and I grew up in like middle class.
So? We went to schools, public schools, you know, country clubs, tennis lessons. I didn't have country clubs.
I did. I did.
Country club, tennis lessons, ice skating, all that stuff, right? No. Yeah, I did.
I had none of that. I know.
Can I just tell you me then? Yeah, don't say me. Sorry, sorry me Sorry sorry So I had tennis class Wrestling I did on the team Yeah My parents got me a car at 16 You know what I mean And we had a pool Tennis court Yeah I didn't have any of that I know I did And I grew up And this is where I turned out like this But If I grew up in like You've said this before No This is wrong Poo-young It doesn't matter if Poo Young...
Poo Young, if you grew up somewhere else... In the street.
My dad... You know what my dad was? My father was...
Korean. My father...
No, this is the truth. You want to see her truth? My dad was a professional boxer in Korea.
Did you know that? His record was 0 and 8. He never won anything.
He really did. I know.
I can tell. 0 and 8.
Never won anything, right? And he never went to school because during the Korean War, he was a gangster in the streets, right? And he led his own gang. So my dad had like stab wounds on his body, all kinds of fucked up shit.
That's why he was so violent. Because everybody fucked him up all him up all the time yeah he was so small but if you talk to like the guys that he grew up with and stuff they would always say no he was like he would jump on like your back and start biting your neck and stuff but he would always lose it sounds like he would know in the professional boxing arena yeah but in the streets he did knives and shit but you told me he had he had stab wounds all over.
Yeah. And he lived through it.

My point is is that

my point is

they used him like a knife block.

But he was

practicing on your dad.

But my dad was like a thief.

He was like a bad guy, right?

What'd he steal?

He was

well, I know gum.

I know you told me

he stole gum.

He's a bad guy. Fuck, block that that guy up He stole Like a bag of gum A bag of gum Yeah yeah yeah Korea is so fucking weird It's so crazy yeah So he stole a bag of gum What's so funny A bag of gum Yeah back then During the Korean War That was like Worth a lot They just put it in a bag That's like Korean diamonds There is gum Yeah yeah yeah.
So then he changed his ways. You know what I mean? And we came to America, became a businessman.
My point, though, is he's a hard worker. But if I grew up in the same environment, like my brother and I, we were street kids.
Yeah. Who knows what would happen? I could be in prison.
Same with you. Look.
No. Oh, yeah.
Dude, your rage and your anger as it is now. See that twitch? Those are rage twitch saying yeah i think i heard it yeah you heard the twitch so what i'm saying is if you grew up in a fucking bad environment right you would be in a different place right now my dad was in prison which is the reason i'm not in prison i know but that's in your blood prison your prison blood dude my dad going to prison was the reason I didn't want to go to prison.
I know. I understand that.
But you had your mom and your stepdad. And that, you know what I mean? You had to look for, to have guidance from.
I know. But all I, but yeah.
But I'm saying. And if you didn't have them and your dad went to prison, you were in the streets, you would end up just like him.
Maybe. Maybe.
Yeah. Maybe.
So basically if I didn't have my mom and my stepdad. Yeah, we were blessed because we had guidance in a weird way.
I had AA early on in my life. I would go to AA meetings and these old AA guys tell me how to live life and the rules and all that stuff you know what are the rules which

is to live in the moment you know i mean and do you think you live in the moment i do do you live in the moment juice i try to i think i do yeah you don't no well you live in the past wait let me take that again can we go back yeah do you live in the moment juicy yeah yeah i do you don't I don't

I don't

you live in the future?

I live in this

in your mind I mean I think I no I I have a tough time living in the moment I'm admitting I'm not good at it I'm not good at it but I try to practice it I'm I don't I'm being honest I wish I was better at enjoying the thing while it's happening it's kind of double edged though because I feel like I'm so in the moment that sometimes i forget about like other things but what else what else would you need to know like i don't stay in touch with people as well because i'm not i'm just like where i'm at like right now i'm here and let me tell you something i can tell you something i had this discussion with someone a couple days ago as you get older in general it's so much harder to stay in touch with people it just is a part of life you like you like lose you kind of just lose touch because other everyone's got their own thing going on yeah so it's only gonna continue that way I don't think it's you I think it's time yeah it's unfortunate it's always like that but it stinks it sucks I hate it because you just You know that old saying? I was going to text somebody that we know in this room, that we three know. It was their birthday.
And I opened up my phone and I saw it was their birthday on my calendar. And I looked at our text message and the last time I texted the person was on their birthday.
So you couldn't do it. And they didn't respond when I had said happy birthday.
birthday well that's because they probably get a thousand of them no this person wouldn't oh I see and because of that I just deleted it wow really so you got angry about it no I didn't want to feel that feeling again right like seeing another year. So I didn't text happy birthday and I deleted that original text as if to say, that's the end of that.
Damn. Well, I didn't delete them from my phone.
I just, I thought, well. You deleted them from your wife? Yeah, kind of.
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A friend of mine told me he got a roll. And they asked him.
At a bakery? A French roll. Yeah, an onion roll.
And they asked him to do it in a different accent. And then he did in the accent.
And then I guess then they were like, just do your regular accent. and he was like oh did i do it bad i'm like no they probably just thought we can't have him doing an accent of another person because we would have to cast the other person and we get they'd get shit for it because i think these days people are getting shit for being like why would you just cast that kind of person yeah it's fucked up that's a weird that's a weird time because it's acting yeah it's acting right you're faking it that's that's it's like you're you have to act it's like it's acting it's like what are you only allowed to play korean guys can you play chinese no like when i when can you play chinese i can do it for me you're hired wow and the oscar goes to bobby lee that's a clipping show right because they're protesting right now because of covid right who what yeah the chinese are protesting against ee or whatever z apple employees in china yes they're going apple employees are protesting covid they're protesting covid they started it what do you mean i don't have covid restrictions in apple there's still like a lot of COVID restrictions there.
Show the video.

There's a video of robots going through a town in China

spraying stuff into the air.

Have you seen this?

I like it.

No.

I like it.

Do drones spraying disinfectant.

Yeah, there's a fucking video of these drones

in the air spraying disinfectant or something for COVID.

There, right there.

Can't you drone for COVID? There, right there. China drones spray COVID.

Look.

Those are drones in China

spraying shit for COVID protection.

Wow.

You tell me this ain't the greatest country in the world?

Dude, how creepy.

That's fucking creepy as shit.

Yeah.

What's in that?

COVID vaccine.

What if we find out it's just MSG?

Oh, my God.

What about those little robots in LA?

What are they?

They're delivering food.

No one ever told me about it,

so I'm driving on the road,

and I see it for the first time.

I almost crashed my car.

That's so funny that you're like,

no one ever told me.

Like, we needed to come to you.

Boston Dynamics calls Bobby. Well, just call me and go, we have those those i see them all over the place yeah but what what's in it they're amazon delivery they do like pizza what they're all for pizza well so wait so they deliver amazon packaging they deliver all sorts of shit and how do you know what what happens does it knock on the door? It beep boop boops.
And look at that guy.

He got fat cells.

On his phone, he goes, it's here.

He goes downstairs.

It opens up with a code.

Yeah, it opens up with a code.

And it literally goes, it speaks the language to you.

No.

Yeah, I've learned some of it.

Give me some.

That means thank you.

It's Chinese?

Well, who do you think fucking makes this thing?

That's right.

Oh, by the way, some of them have COVID in them.

Like, it's random.

It's kind? Well, who do you think fucking makes this thing? Oh, yeah, that's right.

Oh, by the way, some of them have COVID in them.

Like, it's random.

It's kind of like, you know, like this guy.

Like, he just got COVID for sure.

Yeah.

That means thank you.

And then is look at that fat ass.

Sometimes they're rude.

Sometimes they'll see women.

Oh, they do?

They'll say disgusting things to women.

Well, they're made after our image. That's exactly right.
You're gonna get sung. Can you stick your penis in one of those little holes? That's originally what the top thing was for.
Oh, is it? Yeah. Those two circles? Those two circles, yeah.
Me and you could do it together. And then you're from now, you're in court and that thing's like, you know, man accused.
This thing gets unaccused. It's unaccused.
He's unaccused. And the beep up beep up rude rude yeah oh my god that's amazing they're so fucking stupid what cities have is it only in LA, New York or is it all take a guess it's all the annoying cities LA, New York, Chicago San Francisco yeah it's all like the fucking pretentious.
Right. This wouldn't last a fucking hour in like...
Boise, Idaho. Fuck no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.
They'd push it over. They'd shoot at it.
For sure, they'd shoot a gun at it. Oh, right, right.
You see that little robot this morning? Fucking kill that thing. They wouldn't let it go.
Right. Postmate.
Yeah, it does all sorts of bullshit.

They're all over the place now, though.

I've seen a ton of them.

I see them, too.

I'll tell you what trips me out, though,

is they're going to start trying to do...

Amazon is pushing to do fully electric truck,

automated trucks.

Oh, they would love that.

So they wouldn't pay anybody. No human.
No human. That's going to be a nightmare.
I don't know how they're going to fucking do that. How is it going to get from the truck to your door? Did they have one of those things come out? So the comes out of the truck.
Wow. The job sucks though.
I have some friends. I have a friend who has been driving with them for years and they don't get bathroom breaks.

A lot of the dudes will just go pee in the truck.

Wait, seriously?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Because where do you park that thing?

And they record all of your route.

They've got air tags all over you.

There's cameras in the car.

You can't just stop at a circle.

What do you mean you can't piss?

If I wanted to go to Taco Bell,

I can't go to Taco Bell.

They would probably write you up

because you got to go to UPS, buddy.

You have a specific route

and you have to get your deliveries done

by a certain time.

And if you look at your phone,

they'll like ding you.

Is the pay good?

I think it's average.

I think the pay is pretty good.

Okay.

I mean, I don't know what that means,

but I think the pay is good.

Jose is one of my six roommates, so I don't think it's that good oh really oh wow go back to that thing that you just saw 20 bucks an hour is what they're getting that's not bad it's 11 better than the national average amazon says it has over a thousand rivian electric vans making deliveries in the united states right now wow wow i think some jobs should be replaced by robots. Like what? That one.

But in return, there should be more better jobs created for humans.

Yeah, right.

Well, that's the argument, right?

That is like, as long as you were supplemented with another job, humans have to fix the robots, right?

Yeah.

More fix-a-job.

What else should be replaced?

I think- Podcast?

No.

Welcome to the Mad Friends Podcast. Today we'll be talking about diarrhea.
I've had diarrhea before. I'm trying to think what should be replaced.
It's very difficult. Fast food.
Fast food workers are treated like shit. They don't deserve to be treated like shit.
But where would they go? What do you mean? The fast food workers, where are they going to work? Oh, I know. I haven't thought that far.
I mean, it's just like, you know. They could start a podcast.
But fast food should literally be, it should literally be a big fucking machine that has all the ingredients and then like a vending machine. They could do that.
That's it. You just put your car.
Yeah, what car yeah what the fuck yeah yeah you don't need to be mean to someone for 14 hours i do think there should be some humans if there's food involved no less less humans of food involved in my opinion well they should have like humans are fucking if it's fast food yeah i'm not talking about fucking a steak dinner what if it accidentally grabs like a bottle of poison instead of ketchup why is poison inside the fucking machine yeah you get one person as the um person that like inserts the food like he's a maintenance guy yeah they're the human jobs are you have to load the machines food loader fix them when they break yeah so there's one guy that works there but you could can eliminate so many. So how about then what about fine dining?

No, no, no.

You got to have – because that's about customer service.

Oh.

Because getting a nice server that knows the menu, that can wine pair well with a sommelier.

At high-end restaurants, all that is a part of the experience of the meal.

Right.

Although I sometimes like talking – like I'm doing a show at night, and then I spend the whole day alone.

And I'm like – I have to get out of the house to just talk to people before I go on stage in front of a hundred or more people. Right.
So if I go into like a Taco Bell and I can't talk to anybody and I just touch a screen and then the food comes out and then I eat alone and then I you know what I mean. That's lonely.
Utopia. Utopia.
That sounds perfect. That sounds great.
Boop boop boop. And then and then no back in your car back to yeah that sounds that's gross that sounds like japan they do all that kind of shit they have japan is like fully automated the whole fucking country is automated sprinkles right they do cupcakes yeah but they got to load that with cupcakes the loader huh yeah they just have a loader guy? Yeah, they just have a loader guy.
But also sprinkles. Right, that's a bullshit business anyway.
Fucking cupcakes. Who needs that much? You know how many times I eat cupcakes? Once a fucking year.
Why do I need a vending machine filled with cupcakes? How many times do you eat fucking cupcakes? All right, I'll get out. Every other day, maybe.
You eat a cupcake every day? Every other day. Where do you get a cupcake from? I get at sprinkles.
And I also get that every day. Every other day.
I'm being real. Fuck you.
I do.'m being real. Fuck you.
I get crispy creams every other day. So don't tell me to take down a picture on Instagram because you look fat.
Okay? That's true. But, yeah.
You're saying that people don't eat it every don't you might be the only one I know these cupcakes that frequently what do you mean fans comment below how often you eat a fucking cupcake I bet you it's once in a I don't eat the icing that's my that's my fucking why don't you just go bake a cake it's the perfect it's the perfect amount of fucking delicious fucking bun bun I love it dude alright is that that right. That's the treat you eat the most of? Yeah, I wouldn't eat sushi out of a machine.
That's fucking crazy. I would.
How? Depends on where I am. These are in Japan.
Japan, I would do it. That's where all the fucking sushi guys are.
Oh, right, right, right, right, right. A sushi from a machine there is just like a bag of chips here same thing yeah what else should be automated they have these these are women's underwear too you can get in japan that i'm a big fan but they're worn some of them you can buy worn yeah that's i mean i i don't know if that's really true though so i've gotten it and i was like this doesn't seem worn back it the fuck up you've ordered some worn panties off the internet? I got them in Tokyo.
And then what do you do? Why do you want them worn? You huff them? No it's they claim to be worn so I opened it immediately and was like I had to check this out and it was pretty clean. But did you smell them? Maybe.
I mean what do they smell? You either smell them or you wore them. was on my honeymoon juicy I didn't wear them somehow that makes it better so wait a minute you got used panties from a vending machine in Japan you open up the package you know it's not used based on just instinct just tell me that you smelled them I definitely smelled them and they didn smell used? They didn't smell like poopy or anything like that.
Do you like the smell of poopy? No, but that would have indicated that it was definitely used. Were they female underwear or men underwear? Female, of course.
Good question, Bobby Lee. That's a good question.
I didn't even think about that. You don't smell men underwear, even if it says used.
Well, I don't think you can even get men's underwear. It's more of like a female underwear.
You can now. Bad Friends underwear is going to now be available used.
Bobby and I's underwear. Let me ask you something.
If you smell the underwear, the female underwear, and you smell pussy juice, is that the right vernacular? Please don't use the word juice. You smell pussy fluid.
Pussy sauce. Thank you.
Pussy sauce. The sauce of theuss.
You smell some sauce. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And the sauce, I mean, because sometimes it's like when you smell the sauce, right? I'm being real. It's like, is this like from Europe? This is good shit.
Good sauce. From Europe? I love this sauce, baby.
What's up? It's like Chick-fil-A special sauce. Right, right.
Good. And then it's like if I smelled underwear with that sauce I would have to find the distributor Of it So maybe that's a movie I imagine it's just a bot You're in a machine, you use female underwear You smell the sauce, it's so good It's your destiny to find this woman I have a theory That the sauce is so good That no matter what the distributor looks like, you'd be in.
You'd be in. Wow, this Christmas.
What about Santa Claus? Mrs. Claus.
Mrs. Claus, I mean.
Mrs. Claus has got some sauce for you.
The underwear's like this big. Yeah.
Ooh. Let's order some used underwear for the show and see if it smells from Japan.
But also, Japanese people are very like clean and cleanly and it's just, I feel like their dirty underwear wouldn't be as gross as our dirty underwear. They're very clean.
We're fat and gross people. I still can't believe you eat a cupcake every fucking other day.
Why? It's just not normal. I'll tell you what I eat every other day.
Cupcakes, Krispy Kreme. I also eat, I don't know why, but every other day, Uncle Pauly's.
Did you see when I got sick, I had to get Uncle Pauly's. Yeah.
It's one of my favorites. My favorite too.
What is it? It's a sandwich shop. Sandwiches? Yeah.
So I get that delivered every other day, day but then i order five sandwiches i store them in my refrigerator too many sandwiches how many deliveries i don't eat them all at one time what why don't you just order them when you want them because at midnight they're not open you can have uncle paulie's at midnight uh yeah do you understand but should you have a sandwich at midnight I don't know I don't know right

but I do

I eat a sandwich

you know I think

they're closed

before midnight

because you shouldn't

eat it after midnight

vitamin D

whole milk

oh no

I love it

Bob

I love it

and then

you know what I also do

can I put the picture

back up on my Instagram

no no no

yeah

wait

how much do I use

how many food deliveries

on average

do you get

per day

door dash

at least two

at least two Thank you. No, no, no.
How much do I use? How many food deliveries on average do you get per day?

Door dash.

At least two.

At least two.

At least two.

Oh, okay.

Two a day.

Yeah.

How about you?

Maybe one.

A day?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you get?

I get sweet grains a lot or I go to a body energy club.

I get them for pickup.

Oh, I see.

Body energy club. What do you get? Somebody is doing well.
Have you been there? No, I have no idea what that is. It's really good.
They do acai bowls and smoothies. Oh, I'll tell you what a buddy said to me, by the way.
I should show you something. Can we talk conspiracy for two seconds? I love conspiracies.
Go back and sit down for a second. Can you sit down? Of course he can, dude.
If he wants to. Do you want to be on the show, Max? I don't mind.
Do you have arthritis or something the way you walk? No, I just walk on my toes. Why? Because he wants to be bigger than you.
That's incredible. Thank you.
Why did you think that I was an Arsenal fan and why are you shocked by it? It's because I haven't met many Arsenal fans.

So that's the only reason.

You didn't base it upon my ethnicity, my attitude.

This is called race baiting.

He wants you to say something about him being Korean.

No, when I went to the Arsenal game last year, I met a few Asian people there.

Get the fuck out of here.

No, no, no.

Time out.

Stay there.

Did they look like him? No. What did they look like? Hmm.
Go ahead and describe it. Well, yeah.
I'm a police officer. I'm a police officer, right? We're cops.
We're cops, right? All right. And the sketch guy is there, whatever.
I'm the sketch guy. You're the sketch guy.
This is Cliff Robbham. Hey, I'm Cliff Robbham.
I'm Officer Robbham. I heard that something went down and you were the only one that saw.
It was a couple of Asian guys, yes? Yes, it was a couple of Asian guys or? It was a couple of Asian guys. Describe them to me.
I need to be able to draw them, so go ahead. Asian guy number one.
Describe it to me. Around like 5'9", 5'8".
Are you sure it was Asian or 5'9"? That's pretty tall. 5'6", maybe.
Okay, thank you. That sounds right.
There we go. Yeah, 5'6", you know.
You know, buzz cut. Buzz cut.
Explain. Like just like shorter hair, like a shorter hair.
Color, color. Buzz cut.
Sort of a tan, maybe Filipino. The skin? It was like a tanner.
The color of the hair first. Oh, a black.
Black. And then the skin it was like a tanner the color of the hair first oh a black black and then this it was like a darker a darker skin if you were gonna give us an example of what that skin looks like on something else like like that wood sort of oh wood like this wood skin wood skin they had wood skin.
Wood skin, black hair, five, six. Black hair, wood skin.

Facial features.

This is number one.

They have like, you know, eyebrows.

They had eyebrows.

A delicate dance.

A delicate dance.

One had a goatee.

One had a goatee.

A full goatee.

Did one of them perhaps have a Fu Manchu? Was it a Fu Manchu? Like they do in the movies. What is that? What's a Fu Manchu? Interesting.
He doesn't know. What about their eyes? The eyes.
Color. The eyes? The color of the eyes.
It's okay to tell us that you couldn't see. The color of the eyes.
I couldn't really see their eye color. Okay.
Do you think shape

is important?

It is.

Officer?

Shape of the eyes.

Shape's important,

is it not?

I'm drawing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

The shape.

You know,

the typical.

No, the tip.

What does that mean?

The typical.

All right,

you're free to go, son.

You're free to go.

You're free to go.

Thank you.

We'll bust them.

We'll find them.

We'll find them. Yeah.
We'll find them. Yeah, yeah.
I gotta tell you're free to go, son. You're free to go.
You're free to go. Thank you.
We'll bust him. We'll find him.
We'll find him.

Yeah.

We'll find him.

Yeah, yeah.

I got to tell you, this was, okay.

So because I spent the last week sickie boy.

Yeah.

I had to go to CVS.

I'm not making this up.

This is what the shelves look like in the cold and flu section.

I know.

Look at me in the face.

Yeah.

At every CVS and Rite Aid I went to, I had had to find two things they're all sold out everywhere of everywhere a pharmacist is on the fucking phone at the desk when i go to get a prescription and she goes to the other pharmacist somebody robbed silver lake cvs and the guy goes what what are they like at gunpoint no he stole a bunch of fucking medicine wow i'm like and there's a piece of me that's laughing everyone is sick more than it's ever been am i getting my conspiracy theory thing i am something's going on oh here we look at it here we look at the fucking shelves bob, this is not one of those seasonal everyone gets sick.

Everyone I know, everyone I know has just got over being sick or is sick.

The last time I was sick, three months ago, I called Juliana, Rudy Jules.

Go to CVS.

Get me these things.

They were there.

All of them.

They weren't.

No way.

Did it look like that?

It looked like that.

Empty shelves.

They didn't have NyQuil.

Couldn't find it. They couldn't find Thera didn't have NyQuil.
Couldn't find it.

They couldn't find Theraflu.

Something's going on.

Yeah, but you were sick on Friday.

Was this Friday when you went?

This was two nights ago.

So Cyber Monday.

Oh, yes.

Cyber Monday.

That explains it.

Right after Black Friday.

After Black Friday.

Because, you know, Black Friday, cold and flu stuff goes out the shelves first. Right after Black Friday.
After Black Friday. Because you know Black Friday,

cold and flu stuff goes out the shelves first.

Is that on sale though?

Yeah.

Well, you can see all the...

It's all on sale.

This is a real question.

It's all on sale.

Oh, it is on...

No, that's why.

No, that's just CVS pricing.

That's just like, you know...

But is...

I don't know how Black Friday works.

Is Black Friday...

Everything is for sale.

No, here's the deal.

On Black Friday,

only black people can get the deals.

That's not true.

That's ridiculous.

That's the thing.

You said that last year

and I Googled it

and that's not true.

That's absolutely not true.

I'm not going to fall

for that trick again.

All right?

I literally did Google that last year

and that's not true.

What's so funny?

I can't believe you tried

to trick me two years in a row.

I just know that you did Google it

and you were like,

fucking Andrew.

Everyone is sick

and my buddy and I were talking about it on the phone. You know what it is? You know who's behind all this? Bezos.
Campbell's. Soup? Campbell's soup.
How often are they selling soup during the year? A couple cans here and there. Come, when everybody's sick.
Yeah.

Everybody's eating soup.

Campbell's is behind this shit.

This is Campbell's thinking chunky, dude.

They want you to get soup.

Oh, you can't get any medicine?

You can't get cough syrup?

You can't get anything you need?

Get a can of soup.

Dude, literally soup

is not something

that I think about when I'm sick.

Get a can of soup.

I've never thought about soup.

You never have soup

when you're sick?

I haven't had soup

in like six years.

But you have a fucking cupcake every day? I do. Every other day.
Every other day, sorry. Who eats soup when they're sick? Raise your hand.
It's the only time I eat fucking soup. I don't get Campbell's though.
You know what has the best chicken noodle soup? Whole Foods. Dude, you're fucking getting fancy.
Yeah, yeah. It's not expensive.
You know what happened? She got a couple of bucks in her pocket And she's going to whatever that energy Next week it's me Erwan I can't go there I used to go there For crew when I worked on the Late Late Show And I would pick up the crew Their lunches there and it's too busy What's the Late Late confusing. What's the Late Late Show? Oh, with James Corden? Yeah, I used to PA on that.
Wait, did we talk about that? No. Can I say a reporter called me the other day? Wait, what? It wasn't nothing crazy.
They were just doing some story, and I haven't worked there in over a year, and somehow they knew I worked there as a production assistant and asked about my experience with James Corden.

Well, that's because they got him in Balthazar throwing, you know, this whole thing.

Yeah.

More or less.

They tried to make it out to be that he was like a fucking tyrant, but, you know, Hollywood has way worse tyrants.

You told me to go there.

Remember I ate there?

At Balthazar.

Yeah, in New York.

Of course, I know.

When I was uptown, I couldn't meet you.

Let me tell you about James Corden, right?

Go ahead.

Do you like him?

I don't fucking know him.

I work for him. You did? Yeah.
What'd Do you like him? I don't fucking know him. I work for him.

You did? Yeah. What'd you work for him?

I did a show called Game On.

Oh, yeah, that was their production. It was Ben's show.

Yeah, Ben's show, but he was also the producer.

No, I know. I understand.
I understand.

I've driven him before. Ben?

Yeah. He's a good dude.
He's just a nice guy. Yeah, Ben's great.
But I don't know what

the thing is. Is he an asshole? Who, James?

Yeah. No, dude.
They said he was

at Balthazar's Restaurant in New York and he treated the server like

shit. That's kind of what this...
I guess

that's that's kind of what this i guess that's a summation of it right am i missing something no that's it so they said so they wanted to dig him in this fucking you know bad europe hollywood elitist asshole thing which i don't know but a restaurant interaction i you know what dude do you ever have this thing where somebody says hi to you? And like a girl, a girl was hiking and I passed her and she turned around and went back up the hill with her friend. And as they were halfway away from me, she was like, you're so funny.
And I didn't turn around, but I go, thank you. And then she goes, I'm a really big fan.
And I go, thank you. And I i just kept going down the hill and i thought that's fine but then there's always a piece of me that goes that's not fine is she gonna go fuck him he'd even fucking xyz you gotta turn around no i'm i'm like i'm going down i'm jogging down you gotta turn i'm jogging down the hill i have to stop my job back up jock back up yeah you gotta write it down it's a lot of pressure i was starting to get a small taste of this now when i get ready when i work at the comedy store and i'm checking people in my last name i can't get there's always at least one person but it's it's growing in numbers like last night i worked and i probably six to ten people in the line stopped to say oh i've watched bad friends and two of them took pictures with me see and i'm like checking them in so i have to keep the line moving and my co-workers are like speed it up but i'm trying to give them is it tough it's cool i'm saying i'm getting it's fame it's fame irritating fucking grow up i'm asking you how do you make a moment out of it it's hard but what i'm saying is i always say thank you or whatever but there are moments during the day when what I'm saying about the James Corden thing is I don't fucking know about him and his server but in general people forget that you're also doing your life thing so sometimes you're not being as conscious of their them as you are doing whatever the fuck it is you're doing you know like I think that's a forgotten

thing where people are like hey

like we were walking the USC

UCLA game and some

drunk fucking dude

I mean it's a ton of people everyone's trying to

mill into this some guy

and I go

hey man like fucking

please don't yell like that there's so many

people around and it's like we're just trying

and he goes fucking what up dude and i was like hey man okay and then he goes you're the shit dude and i instinctively yelled i go thank you just to be like right right fuck off a little bit yeah yeah and people were laughing and he people were laughing. And he was too.
But it's like,

don't you also know

that that's not how to do this

in front of humans?

Other people are there.

Yeah.

Some dad,

some old dad was like,

what the fuck?

Who are you?

I was like, nobody.

I mean,

I liked it when they did it

to Ted Cruz at the Yankee game.

It was at the Yankee game

or whatever.

Fuck you.

You know what I mean?

That's funny.

Donald Trump called your wife ugly and you ate it. You know what I mean? You you know what i mean i like that what would you have done if trump said you're if you were still with kalilah and he's like kalilah's a pig a big fat jungle pig well i'd never support him in the first place no but i mean if he was at your fit in your face what would you do i go fuck you dude and you go fuck you you little dumpling now what now what are you doing to Trump And then I go Can you sign this headshot I mean it's a big deal It is a big deal I do get a selfie Alright let's Let's tell a truth Let's tell a real truth Okay Okay Trump is in LA He is right now And we hear that he's a huge Bad Friends fan Yeah Huge I'm a huge Bad Friends fan Yeah And he wants come say hi to us.
You don't have to put me on the show, but I want to say hi to see the studio. Do you let him do it? 100%.
100%. Do you take a photo with him? 100%.
Do you take a photo with him? No. You say no.
No. You literally wouldn't.
Do you not want him in the studio? If he walked in here, you wouldn't shake his hand? I would shake his hand. But if he said, can we get a picture of the crew, would you get in? Maybe I would, but I would do something funny.
Yeah, we'd all have to do like no smiling. But can I tell you something? Like bummed out.
Would you guys? What would you do? I'll try to put him in the show. Oh, yeah.
Good producer. Good producer.
Good producer. Yeah, yeah.
Would you get a photo with him if he was like, I want a photo fancy b definitely yeah what about putin 100 oh my god putin walked in here 100 hello nice to meet you i'd go juicy your day is done and then i'd have putin sit down but what if he had like ukrainian blood on his hands i mean it makes makes for a good pod ride ukrainian blood on his hands it will be on the merge rubbing his forehead, dripping in blood. You're like, oh my God, Putin.
Yeah. That's interesting to me.
That's an interesting question. Like, I hate him, but Trump, but it's like...
I would take a photo. If I saw him...
Dude, so would every fucking buddy. I know, I know.
That's a thing. There's a few people that...
Ted Cruz. Selfie? That's a photo for sure.
That's funny. Yeah.
That's a funny... Any of those.
Lindsey Graham, any of those guys. O.J.
Simpson. Ooh Lindsey Graham OJ Simpson The juice I wouldn't even think twice We get the real juice That's the real juice What if Bill Cosby Bill Cosby is a big fan of the show He wants a photo You getting a photo with Bill? He would sit there You know what I would do in the photo? What? Right? One, two two three and i'd go i would absolutely take a photo it's funny it's a thing to say i fucked up gonna just say i want to share this with you guys so um i was listening to the moth oh yeah you know what it is yeah yeah right and there was a story where this lady you know it's more you know what the moth I forget every city you know what I mean over the last 20 years they've they do these they do these storytelling competitions and stuff and they record them they're great stories sometimes you get prize money but now it's a podcast and they collect all these stories they've archived and they're very thematic so if one's courage you'll one from 12 years ago another one from london that happened a month ago and that you know it's thematic sometimes yeah so there's this one where and i there's this one where um there was a woman and she's 81 and she's telling a story i don't know if i do it it's pretty long fuck it we're going long anyway we can cut it out In the 50s She was saying That I got a job At some science lab I was the only woman there Right And all these guys Were bullying me They were doing pranks On me every day I hated the job Right Then this other guy Started working there And he started protecting me He stood up to the bullies And stuff And we became friends And we would write These letters to each other this is in the 1950s and we had this coded uh language that we would um give notes back and forth that only we could understand right which is nice yeah four months later she leaves the job never sees him again this is in the 50s she's 81 now right and she's like i wonder what happened to that guy that I worked with in the 50s.

And she Googles him, can't find him at all.

But then a week later, he finds

her. And he

gets her address.

And he sends her something in the mail.

It's all those notes

he saved. No.

Since the 50s.

Right? And he goes, you know,

I've been thinking about you for all these years.

He's 91.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

81, 91.

Yeah, 81, 91.

Perfect time.

Right.

He lives in San Diego.

He makes his oldest son drive him to New Hampshire.

That's, I guess, where she lives.

So fucking far.

There's a pretty far.

You just get a plane.

But he drove.

He's old.

That's like five days.

I know, but you know what I mean?

His heart can implode.

He could have died on the drive.

That's true.

Anyway, that's what happened.

It took like a month.

That's what happened.

Okay, I get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not a part of that family.

So long.

So anyway, he drives there, and they get married.

What?

No.

Yeah, they get married,

and he kisses her in every spot around town.

Everywhere they go, like at the post office,

at a restaurant, in a park,

because he wants a memory of a kiss

at every place in this town with her.

Wow.

Right?

He's 91?

He's 91.

I think it's that he just keeps forgetting.

Right? with her. Wow.
Right. He's 91? He's 91.
I think it's that he just keeps forgetting. Right.
Have I kissed you here? Yes. We kissed six minutes ago here.
Right. And Have I kissed you here? That's really funny.
Okay. for five years she has the best this the best five years of her whole entire life and she and she dies he he dies yeah i was gonna say 95 or 96 whatever right wow she's still alive so she's looking for love no no she's not looking for love my point is so it's a romantic story right it is beautiful past five years it is but I told Kalilah to hear it so I'm sitting at the kitchen table like four days ago I go listen to this mob and as soon as that note thing happens right she tells it right she just bursts into tears and like I can't find love it was like terrible oh that was bad

yeah that was bad on my part

give it to your ex

yeah you don't give it to your ex

yeah so you know guys

don't give that to your ex

because it's fucking devastating

right

I can't find love

and what come you

you know what I mean

you did this

that's a bad moth

yeah it was fucking terrible

to her

yeah

I gotta tell ya

I gotta tell ya

what

I'm putting back up the photo

on my Instagram

no you're not

thank you for being a bad friend Yeah. Woo.
Yeah.