Missionary Missionaries

This podcast is supported by Progressive, a leader in RV insurance.

RVs are for sharing adventures with family, friends, and even your pets.

So if you bring your cats and dogs along for the ride, you'll want Progressive RV Insurance.

They protect your cats and dogs like family by offering up to $1,000 in optional coverage

for vet bills in case of an RV accident, making it a great companion for the responsible pet

owner who loves to travel.

See Progressive's other benefits and more when you quote RV Insurance at Progressive.com today.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company

and affiliates, pet injuries,

and additional coverage

and subject to policy terms.

On the heels of me playing Boston

on New Year's Eve,

which is part of the plug for the tea party,

we want to do a scene

from one of my favorite Boston movies,

The Departed.

You accused me once,

I put up with it.

You accused me twice, I quit.

If you make me feel for my life,

I put a bullet in your head as if you were anybody else. You got something you want to say to me, William? You're 70 years old.
One of these guys is going to pop you. As for running drugs, what the? You don't even need the pain in the ass, and they're going to catch you.
You don't even need the money. I haven't needed the money since I took Archie's milk money in the third grade.

Tell the truth.

I don't need pussy anymore, but I still like it.

Point I'm making you see, I got this rat.

Gnawing, cheese-eating, fucking rat.

Questions come up.

Questions.

See, Bill, you're the new guy and the girlfriend.

Why don't you stay in the bar when I get numbers?

Your numbers.

Everybody's numbers.

Thank you. up questions see bill you're the new guy and the girlfriend why don't you stay in the bar when i get numbers your numbers everybody's numbers is that something you want to ask me frank start with you agree there is a rat you said there is one i base most of what i do on the idea that you're pretty good at what you do sure sure yeah all that aside but, what would you do? How many of these guys have been with you long enough to be disgruntled? Who needs more money than you pay them? You pay them much, you know? It's almost futile enterprise.
No, I didn't. Thank you.
The question is, who thinks they would do what you'd do better than you'd do? Only one that can do what I do is me.

You want to be me?

I probably could be you.

I know that much.

But I don't want to be you.

Heavy lies the crown sort of thing.

Francis?

We're out of here, Mr. Costello.

You'll have to set the alarm. You've definitely never seen this movie stop stop I wasn't prepared let's do that over you say Francis no no she's got to tell both because I want to be able to see her oh the transition heavy lies the crown make him a French accentender, make him like Jamaican or whatever, you know.

Sure, and the bartender, yeah, you pick.

Yeah, you pick.

Good?

Okay.

Okay.

Heavy lies the crown sort of thing.

Francis?

Where are the Herman?

Mr. Costello?

You'll have to set the alarm.

Thank you, Jimmy.

See you tomorrow.

There's a boat coming in up in Gloucester and Gloucester. French will give you all the details.
Hey, Bad Friends. I'm going to be in Boston on New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve.
Right, guys? Woo! You! Yay! Everybody buy tickets to come see me on New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve, please. It's the final two shows of the year before Bob and I go on tour next year in March with Juicy and the Bad Friends crew.
This is my last show. Go to andrewsantino.com.
Andrewsantino.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
During their slaughter. Were they slaughtered with this on? Whoa.
According to Amazon, I can't wear this because they were slaughtered in this. All right, here's the deal.
And they took the land and then... Do they use this on the casinos? Yes.
Oh, this is from... That's from a casino.
Which one? Pechanga. Pechanga.
Pechanga is my favorite one. I played that one.
Yeah, you sure there's a pechanga? No, it's from Morongo. Oh, Morongo is a better one.
I'm sorry. Well, that's over there in Santa...
Santa Mananina. Yeah, Santa Mananina.
All right, I'll wear this one. But this right here? No, no, no.
It's okay. I get it.
I get it. Here's the deal.
Why are we doing the Boston Tea Party? I don't know much about it. Do you not know anything about the Boston Tea Party it's coming up they lied who lied the English whoa about the tea what did they do about the tea actually time out yeah yeah I literally don't know don't bring anything up you can bring up photos no information I want you to give your I don't know anything about that part of our history I want you to try I bet you do alright can I put the vest on real quick yeah while you're putting your vest on Juicy I want you to tell me what bet you do.
All right. Can I put the vest on real quick? Yeah.
While you're putting your vest on, Juicy, I want you to tell me what your version of

the Boston Tea Party is.

Okay.

I'm going to actually try.

What I think I've learned is the Bostons, they took over a ship.

The Bostons?

Yeah.

Okay.

The Bostons.

Let me throw my eye to a sentence.

Well, could she finish hers before you? No, because I think I know one fact about it. I don't want her to say it first okay go ahead it has something to do with taxes ah no taxation no taxation without tea without tea no the tea you don't tea the tax you can't tax a tea you don't tea a tax you don't tea a tax you don't tea a tax on this line yeah on this line but I gotta tell you can you tax tea these days I don't think you can T is not taxed You can't tax the tee You can't tax the goddamn tee And the Bostons did that The Bostonians did that People from Boston Yeah What's your Go finish Can't tax the tee No Taxation Without Representation That's the real one Yeah Wait no taxation Without representation? Yeah What the fuck does that mean? it's like how you can't get a role like i mean you get a role you have to have representation i mean you guys have already pissed him off it's already starting real bad i didn't you guys already pissed him off this guy's already fucking fuck me up light him up light him up yeah you fuck you man why because i Dude, first of all, it was three minutes late.

Andrew told me to call you.

I had already fucking texted him that I was going to be fucking late.

That rubs me the wrong way.

Then it's Andrew's fault for not seeing the text.

No, it's not.

Fuck you.

You know what you did, dude.

All right?

And you know what?

I'm on Annie Letterman's side.

That's insane.

You're right.

That's insane.

Annie Letterman attacking you.

That's insane.

You?

I understand now her griff. Okay.
And her fucking being on annie's side is bad for your career it's bad for everyone's career anyway so let me say this what i never i never told him to call i already know that i i in fact he said should i call bobby and i said do not call bobby do not call two minutes in and he and you know what he said to me he He goes, I produced the show, bud. Sit down.
Don't even get me started right now, bud. That's what he said.
He said sit down and get in costume. This guy is a lazy one.
What do you mean I'm lazy? Yeah, this guy's one of the... You don't even show up to some of the fucking shoots.
Because someone else is here for me. No.
He's also... He is not lazy.
He's sick and he's here. He has COVID.
You have COVID right now? Yeah. One of the new ones, though.
This is my last day of COVID. Well, what the fuck are you doing here, man? Well, it's the last day.
Get Pete. Yeah, it's the last day.
You just said I was lazy and I'm here with COVID. He wanted to prove he's not lazy.
Also, Pete's the one that gave him COVID. Oh, really? Yeah, he gave it to all of us.
Go back to the history. You have it.
Okay. What? Tell me about the Boston Tea Party as much as you know.
They were tired of the taxing, so they went and they took all the tea and they were like, fuck you, and they pushed it off the boat and all the tea went into the water. It's probably the dopest version I've ever heard.
They were tired of the taxing, so they went and they took all the tea. And they were like, fuck you, and they pushed it off the boat.
And all the tea went into the water. That's probably the dopest version I've ever heard.
They were tired of the taxing, so they took the tea. I know there was tea and taxing a boat.
I just don't know the arrangement. Do you want me to tell you what happened? I'd love to hear it.
So. But let me say this.
Please. I'm very susceptible to your lies.
Come on. And your exaggerations.
Come on. So I don't want to be, because I'm going to take your information, and then 20 years later, I'm very susceptible To your lies Come on And your exaggerations Come on So I don't want to be Because I'm going to take Your information And then 20 years later I'm going to be like In a fucking party With Lex Friedman And some And some other Fuck intellectuals And I'm going to go Well I know about that And I'm going to repeat This story Okay Alright go ahead Alright so here's What really happened People from Boston Well let me write it down Give me a pen He can write it down I need it You write it down.
Give me a pen. He can write it down.
I need it. You need it.
Yeah, yeah. Give me a pen and a paper.
Please. Okay.
Andre's YouTube show. He has fucking COVID.
I guess you'll give it to me. Is this washed? Good.
Dude, I don't like the way you fucking set it down, dude. Oh, my God.
Set it down right, dude. Oh, my God.
All right, set it down right, dude. With an right dude with an apology let's see throw that back sir I knew he was gonna do it I knew it are you being real right now dude are you being real I can't believe it I can't fucking believe it let's see how he does it this time let's see how he does it this time I wrote sorry on it aww alright oh my god.

Oh fuck you.

You can't fucking help yourself can you?

Let me tell you something.

No no no.

That's it.

That's it we're done.

That was fucking disrespectful dude.

You're copying Annie.

What?

You're copying Annie.

Yeah but it's your behavior dude.

Alright do it gentle.

Do gentle.

Wait wait wait. Before you fucking do it dude.
I'm telling your behavior, dude. All right, do it gentle.
Do it gentle. Wait, wait, wait.
Before you fucking do it, dude, I'm telling you right now, dude, you're on the line. And it's going to destroy our fucking friendship.
Dude, you're hurting his feelings. All right, so I'm going to say this.
You're hurting his feelings. Go ahead.
You're on the line, and you're going to destroy our friendship because if you don't do it gentle, I'm going to present you forever. You're emotional right now.
I know, I'm emotional because I really think our friendship's on the line. Oh, no.
I drew a heart. No, but put it down nice.
Put it down nice. Very nice.
There it is. No, that's not nice, dude.
I put it there. I drew a heart.
I know, but that's not nice. I drew a heart.
Our friendship's over. That's not.
nice I drew a heart Our friendship's over That's not Get out of here Our friendship's over Wow That was You couldn't have done that nice Wow I drew a heart No it doesn't matter You put it down Okay Carlos is Boston You're the tea right now Thank you so much Thank you And he threw you Into the fucking river I wrote sorry And drew a heart on it He did Anyway Tell me, tell me about the Bostons. Okay, so here's what happened.
What year? This all takes place in 1964. I feel like it's not that.
Wait, really? Yeah, yeah. No, blah, blah, blah.
1864. Okay, that's better.
1864. still feel like that's a little it was a time of kings and queens and poppers and princes kings and queens and poppers and princes everybody owned a little person poppers and princes you could still own an lp legally you could own an lp lp so the lp business was a booming right right that records higher than it's ever been I think at one point records at one point like 6.4 but in 1864 what do they have like Chopin on vinyl and Bach on vinyl or what would they have jazz back then did they sure they did sure that it had a lot jazz Her.
What jazz? Herbie Hancock. Herbie Hancock.
Are you sure? Yep. Herbie Hancock.
Who ironically played the commencement ceremony at the Boston Tea Party. On synth.
On synth. On synth.
Let me just say something. I don't think they had synths in the 1800s.
Yes, they did. I swear to God.
It was invented in 1642. Look it up.
When was the synth invented? I can show you right now. Herbie invented, or I think he invented the synth.
He was one of the co-inventors. The synthesizer was invented.
It says it right there. Synth invented.
1865. It's right there.
Even though that's in the search. You put that down.
That's very smart. No, it's not.
That's a trick, dude. Okay, dude.
How do you search Google? Go ahead. How do you search Google? That's Google.
You don't search what you're looking for on Google. You're right.
You're right. You're right.
It was and he wrote enter 1868 so go ahead so um push press enter all right he's not gonna press enter all right so so oh look look whoa 1964 that's what i said the first time it was close oh yeah the irony oh so you're right the irony of that is so that a little scary the boston tea party happened 1964 okay that's what I said the first time. It was close.
Oh, yeah. Oh, so you're right.
The irony of that is a little scary. The Boston Tea Party happened in 1964.
Okay. Back to nine.
Back to nine. You're right.
You got the numbers. The century's wrong.
Thank you. Yeah.
So apparently, so Boston people, at this point, it's the only city in the United States where you're allowed to own and trade LPs. And you can and trade lps throughout your friendship circle only in boston so in la you if what would happen right if i went to you and i went hey check i have the new gogos they weren't around then but um oh dude you're thinking i mean lp albums oh what is it oh little people fuck you know you gotta ask you really gotta little people.
So back in Boston, they used to trade little people fuck you know you gotta ask you really gotta ask little people so back in the boston they used to trade little people you can only trade whites this was in pro this was in

protest of the of the of this of the lp trade embargo being being cut off the little people

trade embargo when this was was this was ended this was a protest and so then they of course

threw all the quote black tea which was an attack on black people really it was a bunch of racists Right.

And then,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what,

so then what, so then what, so then what, so then what, so then what, so then what, so then they, of course, threw all the, quote, black tea, which was an attack on black people, really. It was a bunch of racists.
And then, so then what happened? So did the English have anything to do with the black little people? They're the ones that started the trade in the first place. But it's like, they were thrown out of here hundreds of years ago.
I know, but they went to Ireland and Scotland where most of us live, the LPs. Oh, that because i saw that lord just say lord of the rings it's the lord of the rings you know i mean i know that and you know by the way i'll just say shire you know leprechaun lp was actually short for leprechaun what you just fucking blew my fucking mind there was leprechaun so my people were the one say leprechaun so it was the lp well i have to say because of respect that my grandmother was traded she was a leprechaun? So I'm going to say LP.
Well, I have to say that because of respect that my grandmother was traded.

She was a leprechaun?

Yep.

My bad.

And she was traded.

Interesting.

She got traded about six or seven times.

Okay.

So let me get this straight then.

You got it.

You got it?

I think you got it.

I don't think I got it.

Let me hear it.

I literally don't think I got it.

So I don't know anything about the boat,

but there was a boat.

No.

I swear to God, where are they going to throw it? Over a harbor? They were on a, it was docked. No engine.
Oh, so it's just folklore. Yeah.
The boat is just false. So they built this boat and it never left the dock.
That was the thing. Oh, I see.
But can we just say boat? Yeah, say boat. All right.
So back in the days of the kings and queens and the poppers and the prince in 1964. So we're at a party, right? Yeah.
And we're the historian, right? They were these little people, right? Only white ones, right? And I don't know why they had to throw them overboard because my professor, Mr. Santino, never taught me that.
But they used to throw them over the board. But it was great because while they were being thrown overboard, Herbie Hancock was playing.
It's right there. There's a full-blown party going on.
What was he playing? What instrument was he playing? The synthesizer. Wow.
It's ironic because in 1964 is when it was invented. it must have blown everyone's mind because they never heard anything like that correct you know i mean they're like what is that a piano as they're throwing from space right they hear the synth i get it wow and england that's where the little people come from that's what i i can fill in the blanks now i get it you don it say things what happens is this okay I get it right England comes over here on a boat with the little people right and they're like hello hello you know you don't have one of these right yeah what is it you know what is it what yeah well it's southern are they southern there was a couple of southern there was I didn't know there was a couple of southern southern Boston people you know they say like, what is it? You know what I mean? What is it? It's Southern.
Are they Southern? There was a couple of Southerners.

Oh, I didn't know.

Southern Boston.

There was a couple of Southern Boston. Southern Boston people.

Well, you know they say like Boston accent, like, oh, it's from Southie.

Right.

But way South Boston?

Sounds like this, dude.

Oh, really?

That's way South Boston.

Wow.

Yeah, I'm South Boston.

So Theo Vaughn could have come from South Boston.

I think he's from Massachusetts.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

That's fucking great information there.

So, um, so like, hey.

Hello, hello.

You know what I mean? Hey, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You have one of these little ones I've never seen them before Here you go And then they threw them over We don't want it No thanks They threw it over right And that's how Thanksgiving started That's exactly exactly right. All right.
Thanksgiving started.

Thank you for that history lesson.

I got to tell you.

I mean, I'm a learner.

You are.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'm open.

I'm a learner and I'm open.

And thank you for that.

You're an open learner.

Yeah.

You're an open book.

Did Indians have any native people have anything to do with that or no?

Yeah.

What?

Well, they, you know.

Yeah. They what? I feel like this is what's going to happen.
No. Yeah.
You're going to do like a Sandy Hook thing and say they didn't exist. No.
Are you a fucking native denier? No, doc. You're a native denier.
Well, to be honest. You've never seen one.
I've never seen one. Wow.
No. You know what? Cut two three years later he's on in court i mean one billion dollar settlement settlement from the anyway i have to pay out pechanga as a whole i'm sorry but there's a whole plug for pechanga uh the indians were involved actually the real truth truth truth yeah i would love the real history of it a lot some of this is lies yeah which ones oh just just the what the herbie hancock part yeah i knew that you could tell i could tell because he came around that was count basie that was there yeah also he came around the 70s i think late 70s it was a little early for him so herbie hancock no many of the many of these people dressed up as native americans so when you zoom in you can see they were the first one to do brown face.
Oh, so those guys right there. Those are white men.
White guys in brown makeup. Interesting.
They all got fired from their jobs the next day. They all got canceled.
They got canceled? That was the first cancellation problem. This was.
Yeah, the shoemakers got canceled. That's Kevin Shoemaker.
That's, zoom in, you can tell. That's Kevin Shoemaker.
You know these guys. They're historical figures.
Oh, yeah. That's Kevin Shoemaker.
Kevin Shoemaker is the one with it. See his arms above his head throwing that casket? Right.
That's Kevin Shoemaker. He looks like an asshole.
100%. Because in that box, what's in there? A little person.
An LP. That's interesting.
They used to put them in boxes.

Well, they could fit.

I know they could fit.

They can't breathe.

But it's easier to ship.

Easier to ship.

They can't breathe.

Like a bug, you poke holes in the top.

Right, but then you throw them in the ocean.

It's like a cat in a bag.

You know how they used to do that?

You can only do so much so far.

What do you mean?

I don't know what happens when they go in the ocean.

I don't know.

I think it floats.

Maybe they turn into mermaids. That's how we got mermaids.
Yeah, maybe. Thank you, Thanksgiving.
Right. This is how we got mermaids.
You can't disprove it. Which means, you can't disprove it.
That's right. That's a fact.
Which means Little Mermaid is white. Right.
Listen up, Disney. Disney, Little Mermaid was, I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you why. Because they threw little people, right, that were only white, as Andrew said, right, into the oceans, which turned to mermaids.
And by the way. There are no black mermaids.
Where were most of the little people from? England. No.
The Shire. No.
The Shire. You're mine.
Ireland. Ireland.
Scotland. Redheads.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Redheads.
And what's Little Mermaid? What? What is Little Mermaid? Irish? A redhead. A redhead.
Thank you. Bro, what the fuck? You just blew my mind right now.
I'm telling you, dude. That's it.
Yes. Yeah.
Yes, that's how we got her. Yeah.
By the way, the drawings of Little Mermaid that you have- Do you know Q? Huh? Q. Oh, I'm Q.
Yeah, I know. Well, let's- We gotta email Q after this because this is a whole thing.
I know. A conspiracy, dude.
Alex Jones on the phone. i heard what you guys said on your podcast about uh about little mermaid i couldn't agree more yeah it's insane that you know she's actually a fish she's just a full fish here's the thing about little mermaid she was only four foot six i did not know what google how tall was little mermaid four foot six proving my theory once again she was an lp from ireland who was brought to Boston, thrown in the ocean, turned into a fish girl.
You know, where mermaids fuck up is the fish part should have started from the knees. Why is that? Because the vag is covered up with fish vag.
But do you know a fish vag? Have you ever thought about that? You see the beautiful mermaid. How tall is she? Just ask.
Keep going. I want to hear.
No, but you know my theory, dude. Oh, yeah.
I would, because mermaids are... Oh, five, four.
Four, five. Four, five.
No. Oh, there's different measurements.
Yeah, that's right. In the ocean.
In the ocean is different. Yeah.
Because here she's my height. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway.
So tell me your theory keep going well I just think

it would be cooler

if the mermaids had

the fish part

from the knee down

so but you're saying

but how do you know

fish vagina is cool or not

because the body

the waist down

it's not a pant

it's a part of their body

yeah but how do you know

what a fish vagina is like

you have no idea

well obviously

they're naked

have you fucked a fish

like I tried

I couldn't find the vag

so but towards you. centaurs centaurs yeah they have penises you see them yeah but that's the animal penis it's not the human penis that's the that is the horse penis that you see yeah and the female centaurs you see the vagina as well i know but i think they can't show it on oh it's disney it's disney fuck disney fuck i fucked that up it's all disney's fault write that up top yeah but i've seen other mermaids whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa what's going on here bobby mermaid? What's going on here, Bobby? Do you care to explain?

Pinch and zoom.

What is going on here, bud?

I can't go in the ocean.

Is there something that you want to tell us?

Well, I want to go to the ocean.

That's what happens.

Is there something you want to tell me?

I'm a mermaid.

Look, where's your vagina?

That's what I'm saying.

When I'm in the ocean, I turn into a fucking mermaid.

Oh, my God.

My dick is gone. Oh, my God.
So that's what I'm saying. I'm in the ocean I turn into a fucking mermaid oh my god my dick is gone oh my god so that's what I'm saying I mean you live the experience evolution fucked it up yeah I've never seen you look happier than in that photo can I tell you something yeah can we get a good artist at home if there's a fan yeah that photo leave it on that what it is right now please can we get someone who's really good at painting will paint this because it is beautiful fucking stunning.
It's stunning. I want this in my house.
I want a painting, a recreation of this photo. That is stunning.
It's amazing. Thank you.
Wow. Anyway.
You guys should remake Splash. We should remake Splash.
You'll play Tom Hanks. Yes.
Yes. And I'm Hannah.
Yeah. What's her name? G I'll be Hannah Gadsby I like that you're writing stuff down I do too You're big on writing Yeah yeah I like it He's open He's a learner I'm learning right now dude So um You feel so woke right now What do you mean? I feel like your presence is very alive I just woke up I had one hour of sleep That's literally woke I had one hour of sleep You just awoke and this morning i woke up well i couldn't sleep out because i had hunger pains pains what do you mean in the middle of the night i had like five in the morning i woke up i'm like i'm hungry did you go eat no but you know i always think because mcdonald's you know mcdonald's used to do 24 hour breakfast i know i miss it but then they switched it to 11 a.m so there's that window you.
You're like I can get it now. I can get it now.
And at 6 in the morning I broke down and I got it. What did you get today? Two egg mc muffins, a hash brown, one breakfast burrito, orange juice, and a Cinnabon.
Small meal. I ate it all.
And then I couldn't get back to sleep. And then I kind of came here.
I was a little late. Why do you think you couldn't get back to sleep after eating? I was in a bad mood and I was full.
Do you think it was maybe like 5,000 calories that couldn't put you back to sleep? That's a lot, Bob. I don't know if you need all that.
That was a couple of breakfasts. I didn't eat anything yesterday, though.
That's a problem. Well, can I tell you why? Don't, don't, don't.
They told me not to say it. Say it.
and machine learning, coding, game design, and more. There's something for every kid ages 7 to 17 at IDTech.
Sign up at IDTech.com and use code IDTech to save $150 on a week of a lifetime. This episode is brought to you by Enterprise Mobility.
From fleet management to flexible truck rentals to technology solutions, Enterprise Mobility helps businesses find the right mobility solutions so they can find new opportunities. Because if your business is on the road, they want to make sure it's on the road to success.
Enterprise Mobility. Moving you moves the world.
Find your road at EnterprisesMobility.com. Hawaii starts with the same aloha we share with each other extended to you.

Hawaii starts with a cabin crew that takes care of you like ohana.

Hawaii starts here with Hawaiian Airlines.

Visit hawaiianairlines.com to book your next vacation.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

I'll tell you one thing, man.

The greatest thing that I've experienced is BetterHelp in my life

because during the pandemic, you know, without therapy, I would have been lost, man. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with a user manual.
You know that. Yeah.
So when it's not working for you, it's normal to feel stuck. Navigating any life challenges can make you feel unsure whether it's career change, new relationship, becoming a parent, or something as simple as, you know, a new time in your life.
And therapists are trained to help you figure out those times that cause the challenging emotions and learn productive coping skills to help you move forward. BetterHelp has connected over 3 million people with licensed therapists.
It's convenient and accessible anywhere, 100% online. The reason I love it so much is truly that it is done online.
I don't like going to offices. I don't like waiting in traffic to go see somebody.
I love just talking to someone at my convenience when it's scheduled from the comfort of my own home. That is my favorite part.
And it's also cheaper than in-person therapy, traditionally. As the world's largest therapy service, BetterHelp has matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online.
Plus, it's affordable. Just fill out a brief questionnaire and match with the therapist.
If things aren't clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist anytime. It couldn't be simpler.
There's no waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless searching for the right therapist. Learn more and save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash badfriends.
That's betterhelp.com slash badfriends. Displate.
You know, I love designing my own house, my office, and I like cool stuff. You love art.
Displate is a one-of-a-kind metal poster designed to capture your unique passions. Yeah, Displate created a 21st century canvas that's sturdy, magnet-mounted, durable enough to withstand a lifetime of intense staring.
You can just gaze at it forever. But staring is only half the fun.
You can customize, collect, and rearrange them at your will. Displate has both branded and artistic artwork.
They have over 1 million designs available for everyone, including official designs from brands like Marvel, DC, Star Wars, Netflix, NASA, South Park, plenty of games and movies. Everybody can find something for themselves.
What's great is we got Bob a Displate that he doesn't know about yet of one of his favorite old movie posters. And I'm excited for him to get his hands on it because it was a great little gift and you're welcome early.
Displate delivers its products worldwide in only four to five business days, which is so fast. Perfect alternative for standard paper posters that often get damaged and it doesn't leave marks on the wall.
These are so beautiful, so cool. You can check it out on their website.
They're also eco-friendly. For every design sold, they're planting a tree.
Come on, helping out. That's great.
Right now, Displate is having the biggest discount ever.

For buying one to two designs, you get 35% off.

Three to four designs, you get 39% off.

And if you buy five or more Displates, you're going to get 44% off.

That's almost half off.

Use the link in the description.

The discount is applied automatically at the checkout.

Or go to Displate.com slash BadFriends.

D-I-S-P-L-A-T-E dot com slash Badfriends. And use code badfriends at the checkout.
Displate. Collect your passions.
Say it. So yesterday I went to my favorite ramen place in Little Tokyo.
Love. Dakuya ramen.
Dakuya. And so I was a party of six.
And one was late I waited an hour the Japanese guy comes out okay party of sticks Bobby I come with five where the other person and I go she's parking your car no forget it been there done. I think that's what he said.
Been there, done that.

That is their slogan.

That is?

I have no idea.

Outside on the sign.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Been there, done that.

I go, been there, what?

He goes, you know,

if not six, you can come.

I go, what if she just doesn't come?

We're five then.

Right.

No.

Then he goes,

party of five Phillips.

I swear to God.

Party of five Phillips. Right? The Phillip family comes in.
But Phillips comes up and he goes, we only have four. And he goes, party of five Phillips.
I swear to God. Party of five Phillips.

Right?

The Phillip family comes in.

But Phillips comes up and he goes, we only have four.

And he goes, no problem.

And seats him immediately.

So now I'm seething mad.

Of course.

Right?

I tell the sixth person, don't even come.

Whoa.

So I find the Japanese dude in the restaurant.

And I go, well, the sixth one's not coming.

So can we seat?

She's like, now you have to wait. No wait no yeah I had to wait another half an hour right and then so I was gonna fucking put it on my story I took a photo of the sign and I was gonna rip them apart but you didn't I didn't you know why why quality food what I could have posted it when we got our food though know, but the food is so good that you can't be mean.

That's true.

If the food is bad, you could be mean.

Yeah, because I'm going to go back there again.

A hundred percent.

In fact, you know what?

What?

Let's flip the script on him.

Let's kill him with kindness.

Why don't you send a message to the man right now?

I can't right now.

Let's do it.

Kill him with kindness.

All right.

What's his name?

Let's just call him Squints.

There it is.

Is that?

Squints, yeah.

That's not offensive.

It's a term of endearment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me put a little adjective, like a little Squints.

Little Squints, like a rapper, little Squints.

Yeah, yo, I'll say yo.

Sure.

Why not?

Yeah.

Yo, yo, little Squints. What's up? What's up? You know up You know what I mean Yeah Dr.
Bob here I want to be a rapper too Yeah But you're not a doctor I know but either is Dr. Dre I think he actually is a doctor You got a doctor He does have a doctor Yeah Alright so I'm Bob There he is You can be Mr.
Bob Mr. Bob Mr.
Bob You know what I mean Grandmaster Bob Sure Sure. Thank you.
Grandmaster's a little... What? A stretch? A little Kanye there.
Yeah. Oh, it is? Master.
Oh, that's right. All right, my bad.
The Grandmaster's the leader of the KKK. It is? I think so.
Well, who's... So Grandmaster Flash was a fucking...
The KKK? That was kind of fighting back at the man. That was like getting back at the man.
I'm getting back at the man now, too. I like it.
Grand Wizard. Right.
Sorry, Grand Wizard. So you're Grand Wizard Bob.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll be Grand Wizard.
That's better, right? That's taking power. Yeah.
Yo, little squints. Yo, yo.
Grand Wizard Bob. Hey, it's Grand Wizard Bob.
Yeah, please. I don't want to say it again.
Go ahead. I'm Grand Wizard Bob.
What's up? The KKK is going to clip this and use this for their website. Great ramen, dog.
Shout out from Bobby Lee.

I'm doing my apology, guys.

Okay, okay, go, go, go.

Well, look at the camera.

Don't look at us.

Go ahead and apologize to him.

He's watching.

Yo, and sorry that I had to wait two hours.

You know what I mean?

Do it again.

We'll do it again.

I'll wait five hours next time.

With love.

With love.

Grandmaster Bob. Grandmaster Bob.
No love. With love.
Grand Master Bob.

Grand Master Bob.

No.

Grand.

Grand Wizard Bob.

Grand Wizard Bob.

So that felt better.

Thank you.

Good.

Yeah, we got through that.

And now let's go there together.

Yeah.

And we'll go.

You know what we'll do next time?

We'll go.

I'll go with you.

And we'll say, party of one.

But I'll go with you.

And we'll see if they'll let you add a person to the party instead of one not being there that's a trick what do you mean undersell right there's six people be like it's only a party of four then there's six arrive he's like party four and you're like yeah we have six yeah see what he does yeah he's not gonna say this i know oh so that's a trick yeah that's a good yeah that's pretty wait longer. Yep.
That's great. Yeah.
Yeah. Or we could just have the number.
We should have the number. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have an idea. Go ahead.
We say four. The three of us go, and they go, where's the fourth person? We say they're in the bathroom.
Meanwhile, you go to the bathroom and come back in a disguise, and we play it the whole dinner. So we Ethan Hunt it.
Yes. We Mission Impossible Ethan Hunt.
Maybe I can get one of those things. The machines that he has.
You guys need to set up costumes in the bathroom at the restaurant. So we need to be able to go in and out and change.
Well, get the Ethan Hunt machine so I can be anybody. Okay.
Right? You could literally be anybody. Yeah.
Right. Who do you want to be? Orson Welles.
Oh. I could do an Orson.
Oh, no. You know what, something even better.
Herman Cain. Whoa.
Because he died. Yes.
So did Orson, but Herman Cain is like, you know. We should do all dead people.
Right. But dead black politicians.
Yeah. Let's do dead black politicians.
Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah.
You will have to eat two meals. Why? Because Herman Cain likes to eat ramen a lot? No, just to prove it to the waiter that there's not a force.
Did you hear his breakfast order? I think he's going to have to have no... All right, come on.
Well, I'm just saying that was a lot of meat. I didn't eat a lot yesterday.
I'm not judging at all. That was just a lot.
I'm surprised you can consume that much because you're a small man. Yeah.
I had hunger pains. And I don't like it, but he just looked up hunger pains and it's indicative of something else.
What? They come from other stuff. Hunger pain.
Strong contractions in the stomach. Uncomfortable sensation.
These pains don't always indicate a true need to eat. Something else is going on.
What else is going on? Well, Juicy. Stomach cancer? Do you want to tell him? No, don't look there.
Yeah, no, you're supposed to know. Yeah.
Yeah, why you're getting these pains is not because you're hungry, but because there's something going on in your life that you need to talk about what is it interesting what is it yeah what is it i'm confused about what why is it 600 pound life not 500 pound life 700 pound life there's a thousand pound life now is it really oh yeah she just got married congratulations there's a new show called thousand pound life oh thousand pound sisters sisters that's not but that's not the show there's good that's a there it is what thousand pounds tammy and amy tammy just got married i think right okay so they changed it there you and me buddy what if that's not you and me i don't know what is that's us dude that's a hundred percent us yeah that's thousand pound sisters oh the one on the left made it she did yeah she on the right didn't make it i i i i think i think they're both still around no but just in terms of losing the weight but that's not the goal of the show what's the goal of the show just to be oh to be a thousand pounds yes oh i see oh the yeah they have to change the title sequence yeah you gotta stay you gotta keep it if you go down to 450 yeah no yeah yeah that's her boyfriend right there or it was for one episode how how how does that work i'm i'm not being rude how does that well i'll tell you this can you imagine how big that man's penis is it's got to be not big long well long. And it's got to be able...
If it has a width, there's no way it gets there. It's got to be able to snake around stuff.
Right. Like that game.
It's a snake in a canyon. You're right.
I get it. I get what you're saying.
He's got to wind it up and let it go. And then it has to find its way to get in there.
I mean, tough, tough, tough. And usually he doesn't find it.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the whole part of the game.

Most of the time it

runs into a dead end.

Right, right.

It's one of those like

the maze and the shining.

Yeah, that's exactly right.

Right, the maze and the shining.

There's just a dead end, right?

But when he gets through

once a year.

Hooray.

That's great.

Victory.

It's victory. Yeah, these girls.
One of them just got married. See which one got married Oh she had a baby Look at her Amy Amy had a baby Amy had a baby But she looks great there She does dude She lost a ton of weight Oh good good It was all the baby It was the baby It was the baby It was just the baby That's all it really was The baby's insane that's insane yeah that's cute that's amazing that's cute good for them yeah but what i'm saying is is that it's a thing it's like because i was watching one this morning and there was a girl that was like were you watching 600 pound that one's okay yeah so there's a girl that was 550 600 she met a guy in england they were playing games yeah yeah man yeah it seems like cake time or whatever it's just all it's it's those video games where you have to like make burgers you like have to like put them on the grill and do the fries and then serve the people that was so mean so they're They're playing cake time.
Yeah, they're playing cake time online. You get what I mean? And in real life.
In real life, yeah. And he flies to fucking Texas or Arizona, and he just marries her that week.
And now she's gained even more weight. After the marriage.
After the marriage. But, like, and this guy's just a regular sized white he's a joe schmo yeah yeah but he has to think that that's his thing that's got to be his thing now are you saying the f word what fetish oh i i mean come on i don't know what do you think what constitutes a fetish a form of sexual desire in which graphic gratification depends to an abnormal degree on some object or item of clothing or part of the body.
So it's just an abnormal degree. Your sexual desire or gratification depends.
So your sexual gratification is purely dependent upon one thing, an object, item of clothing, or a part of a body. Yeah.
But you know what's fucked up? I've seen this a couple times on that show is now these people make money online because that's a fetish and people want to just see them eat cakes. Just eat food.
Yeah, yeah. And then I you know i mean they jerk off to people eating cake yeah they find it sexual do you have a fetish i don't think so because i'd be honest if i've had something i like um i like long faces like horse face i just every girl i've had has a long face yeah horse and the women i match with on I match with usually have longer faces.
Really? Yeah. I think mine was, you know what mine is? I like nibbling on earlobe.
That's not a thing though. Everyone likes that.
I really like it. I like it too.
But I like biting hard. Okay, well, no.
I think I have a thing with ears. Maybe that's my thing.
I bite my dog's ear. Okay.
I nibble on her ear. But that's your thing.
How about you, Jess? Yeah. It's not really sexual.
It's just like I like, I just want to bite her little fucking ears. I don't know if I have, I'm sure I do, but I can't think of anything.
I think spit is weird. I know people that like spit stuff.
I know things I don't like. Yeah.
Oh, there's a million things I don't like. Poo.
Poo stuff is insane. Pee, poo you've been peeing on no but I see it and I think that's neat you know what can I be honest with you uh huh when I do see them you know what I mean I'm pornhub yeah I do watch it me too you know what I mean and I and it's usually guy peeing on a girl No I like the other way Oh I don't Really? Yeah I would never do it Because I'm a neat freak And a germaphobe And I'm thinking immediately About my like bed And my sheets And I'm like Oh my god I piss all over the place Like anytime somebody Mentioned squirting And they're like so dope And I'm like I don't know It sounds like such a clean up job Like it sounds like Such a nightmare Yeah I'm just Christian I think think, when it comes to that.
God bless, brother. You too.
God bless. I love you.
We are Puritans today. We are Puritans today.
Look at us. I don't mean a weird thing.
I love a good missionary. We are good Puritans.
Grand Wizard Bob, we are good old-fashioned Puritans. Yeah.
And somebody, a fan, can we make a Grand Wizard Bob sign for him to hang behind him, please? I'd love it. I'd love one.
I really like it when the guy's on top and I'm just laying there oh you like no work it's just a missionary yeah i just love a good missionary yeah yeah old school yeah yeah you know what's so funny i i like that like there's a new generation of people that that there's this like sexual revolution people are trying so much stuff now you know everybody instinctively still loves missionary oh yeah it's the go it's it's the go-to everybody loves it it's the standard it's the go-to the go-to yeah it's a you know everybody instinctively still loves missionary oh yeah it's the go it's it's the go to everybody loves it it's the standard it's the go to the go to yeah it's you know what it's like mcdonald's breakfast exactly do you think you can't do it all the time yeah but when you do yeah it's great it feels right it's fucking food it's comfort food yeah yeah missionary position is comfort food what'd you say do you think the puritans like only knew a missionary and like the first person who like did something different? They were freaks. Freaky out.
Freaks. They're freak out.
All right, all right. Yeah.
Like 69ing. Sticking cat paws and you know what I mean? They were doing weird shit.
Weird shit. 69ing was tame to them.
That was like lame to them. That was their missionary.
Yeah, 69ing was missionary. That's the only thing you have to look forward See Progressive's other benefits and more when you quote RV insurance at Progressive.com today.
Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Pet injuries and additional coverage and subject to policy terms.
That's the only thing. You can't watch SportsCenter.
You can't, right? Well, there's nothing to do. There's nothing to do.
That's what, when you're plowing in the field. I can't wait to fuck.

To plow.

I can't wait to get home and plow.

And plow.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the only thing.

Imagine that.

Because there was nothing.

Like, think of how boring.

Have you ever seen that when a kid has a stick and rolls a wheel down the street?

You ever seen this?

No.

This was like from the fucking.

Not when you were a kid.

Wait, wait.

Explain it to me.

Don't Google it.

So a kid has a stick.

Centuries ago, a game for little children was to take a stick and smack a wheel down the road. A wheel or a ball? A wheel.
Why? That's my point. I don't get it.
Look at it rolling an old-fashioned hoop. That was the...
Walking on stilts. They would just fucking lift themselves off the ground and walk around town.
What's duck on the rock? You try to throw rocks at ducks. Whoa, poor ducks.
That was their war zone. Right? That was their war zone.
Throw rope rings around a stake, which became horseshoes, essentially. Oh, I see.
But let me see rolling an old-fashioned hoop. Please Google that.
You've never heard of this, Juice? Have you ever seen this? I've seen it. I cannot believe that's a thing.
This was the 1800s. Kids would hoop rolling.
Look, look. Oh, that's black and white.
Look at that. This kid, this is how he's getting off.
This is his fetish. He's rolling a hoop down the street.
And that's fun for thesehits this is this is always creepy to me little girls how are they how how these little girls have babies on there they have babies that young oh yeah you start really young oh i didn't know back then you'd have a kid you'd have a kid when you're five or six oh i don't know he's like fuck that these are all grandparents yeah those kids those eight-year-olds are definitely gay he didn't stop to say hello i mean it says that in the title yeah yeah how fast he blows past his babes or that's how fun that is that's how much fun yeah yeah i'd rather do this than look he doesn't matter to this no look at go back a little bit let me just see when he goes by them they go hi johnny yeah johnny go oh here comes johnny let's show him our babies hey Hey Johnny look Our babies Fuck you bitches I'm hooping Do you think he goes like Does grown adults back then do that I hope not I know I think some did You think some did I think I would be doing that You're proving what I was just gonna say I was just gonna say that Video games now now. Some adults do, the ones that are...
Right. Crazy.
Little immature. It doesn't look like adults really did it.
It's like video games today. By the way, look at those kids.
How is that a nine-year-old, 80-year-old? How is that a kid who's also got a retirement account? Yeah, oh my god, look at that. Kids did look older.
They looked so old. Well, because they were working.
Well, he looks at the factory. That's in between shifts.
Yeah, true. Yeah, he got it Kids did look older They looked so old Well, because they were working Well, he looks at the factory That's in between shifts Yeah, true Yeah, he got soot on his face DoorDash Oh my god, today I got a meal from DoorDash It came promptly at my house Always fresh They always have the best restaurants and selections You got back-to-back meetings Errands to run Or chores to take care of What's the secret to clearing your to-do list? A little help from DoorDash.
You can get dinner, household essentials, and everything on your grocery list delivered. To your front door, my favorite part about this is I don't like going to the grocery store.
I don't like searching around for a long time. I'm looking at my DoorDash app right now to tell you guys what was the last thing I ordered on here.
Because for me, I go to the grocery store. I get lost.
I have no idea what I wanted to eat. And by the time I get home, I'm confused and angry and I just eat chips again.
So you need DoorDash if you are looking for the easiest way to get something to your front door conveniently and quickly. With over 300,000 partners, you can support neighborhood go-tos or choose from your favorite national restaurants like Popeye's, Chipotle, and Cheesecake Factory.
That's right. With DoorDash, you're not just getting things you love, but supporting the community you love too.
I had myself a spicy fusilli, a harvest bowl, and a Chinese chicken salad. Baby, I'm ordering all the food that I want.
And for a limited time, you can do the same. Our listeners can get 50% off up to a $20 value and zero delivery fees when you download that DoorDash app and enter the code BADFRIENDS22.
That's 50% off up to a $20 value and zero delivery fees when you download the DoorDash app in the app store and enter code BADFRIENDS22. Don't forget, that's code BADFRIENDS22 for 50% off up to a $20 value and zero delivery fees with DoorDash, subject to change terms apply.
Quip! You know I've had rotten mouth. You've got rotten mouth disease.
I've had rotten mouth all my life. You've got RMD? Because as a kid, my mom would get me the 15-pack of toothbrushes, right? Yeah.
Horse hair. It's horse hair, yeah.
And then years ago, I discovered Quip, you know what I mean? Because I have another podcast that they sponsored. Yep.
And my teeth has been sleeky clean. Give them the chopper.
Smile. Yeah, look at that.
Okay, so Andrew and Bob. Okay, so good health starts with good habits.
That's right. Quip makes it easy by delivering all the oral care essentials you need to care for your mouth.
The Quip electric toothbrush is loved by over 8 million mouths around this globe and has time sonic vibrations with 30-second pulses to guide a dentist-recommended two-minute clean. I love that.
It goes yin-yin, change, you know? It's it's lightweight sleek for adults and little ones no wires or bulky charger to weigh you down even their it's not on it but even their toothpaste is delicious it's good yeah it's really good track and improve your brushing with free quip app earn amazing rewards like free refills products target gift cards and much much more hey so we both love quip it's great a clean mouth. Stop messing around with that old school traditional toothbrush.
Quip wants to know who has the dirtiest mouth. So go to getquip.com slash Bobby to vote for Bobby or getquip.com slash Santino to vote for Andrew and you'll get your first refill for free.
Spell G-E-T-Q-U-I-P.com slash Bobby or slash Santino. That's your first refill for free at getquip.com slash Bobby or getquip.com slash Santino.
Quip, the good habits company. We know some guys that get so much vag.
Yeah. Is that condescending to say it that way? No.
They hook up a lot. Yeah, they get laid a lot.
They get laid a lot, right? That's a nice way, yeah you know you look at like bowie mick jagger lou reed there was a photo of them in the early 70s and they're kind of kissing at a dinner table i've seen that yeah right you've seen that right and i think one of them said you know we get so many we get girls that i mean we're like what excites us so we kiss other stars so what are you trying to say? That you think that you and I can start kissing our famous friends?

No, no, no.

What I'm saying is I don't get enough.

I'm still stuck on.

I haven't evolved.

No, but you can be the other side of the coin, right?

Like that could be just our super rich friends that are running out of.

They're getting too much puss.

Then they'll start wanting to kiss us.

Yeah, but I'm the guy in back of them.

Watching?

Yeah, watching. Like I'm not doing that.
You know, I'm Mick Jagger in this. Who am I? You're definitely a little read.
Oh, no, but look at Mick's getting involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.
Now, do you honestly think that this was a symptom of the times as well? Like, this was like, it was cool. It was sexual freedom.
It was 1973. Like, there was a lot of drug use.
They were partying were partying. Like it's almost like this is how I feel like sometimes these guys got caught up in shit and they had no idea they were doing it.
They were just like laced up. Well, there was no social media.
So you took a photo. Where are they going to put it? You guys also have a lot of photos of you guys kissing each other and being naked with each other.
Yeah. Yeah, that's that.
Yeah, that's the same thing. I think that's that.
Wait, no, no, no. They ran it.
They got so much puss We do it because we love it That's true So we're actually gay We're gay We're gay We're gay Yeah yeah They love Yeah They're forced to do that When you and I die Yeah They're gonna show only photos At our funeral Of us kissing And nude together Oh my god We gotta stop doing that now No point. Yeah, yeah.
Why not? It's not like there was one. Yeah.
There's a thousand photos of you and I on each other naked. There's a sec.
We have a full on sex toy photo shoot. Yeah.
So Juicy, out of the three, which one would you hook up with first? Mick Jagger, Lou Reed, and David Bowie. David Bowie.
Yeah, right? It's funny because, and it's not that he's the most attractive. He's the most wild and cool.
That's how the guy feels on Thousand Pound Life or whatever. What? Thousand Pound Lady.
What does that show you watch? Yeah, yeah. 600 Pound Life.
Yeah. Yeah, it's how cool she is.
She's Bowie to that guy. Oh.
Yeah. It's not about her looks.

Right.

She's Bowie.

She's Bowie.

Or it's a fetish.

Or it's a fetish.

She's Bowie to that.

She's Bowel.

Bowie.

She's Bowie to that guy.

Bowie.

That's a little bit of Bowie going on.

I guess that's true.

By the way,

600-pound life,

the one where it's the doctor.

Dr. No.

Dr. No is so funny.

The great.

Did you ever see,

I made him do a cameo for me, you know, to promote my tour dates. I did it years ago, a couple years ago.
I think we showed it on here. But he's like, go see Andres Santino.
How'd you meet him? Cameo. I paid for a cameo online.
Oh, he's a cameo. I just bought it.
Because I love, he's so mean. Put up a picture of that cat.
I love this guy. He's so mean to them.
They'll be like, I'm really trying. He's like, you're not trying hard enough.
You're too pet. You're so pet you're so fat yeah yeah he's so just iranian i know you can tell i love it he's irate and irate iranian yeah there he is look at the one right next to it to the right look at that face that's the one he usually makes oh no you need to stop lou you need to stop eating bad food so he must be the he's the best in town i think with gastric bypass i i also think it think it's, he's, it's a character.
He looks like that. He looks like somebody drew him.
He looks like a drawing came to life. So I think they just like his personality.
So he was a casting thing? It looks like it to me. All right.
You think there's not, I mean, there's millions of doctors that do that. But he, so he's not the best to do it.
I highly doubt it. I think he's just probably, the best that do it are like, that's like Illuminati shit.
You know, like whoever like Will Smith goes to, to get any kind of surgery done. Right.
Those people you'll never know, they don't exist. Right.
They get paid in fucking direct deposits. Exactly.
Wouldn't that be, that's what rich got. You want to talk about rich stuff? Guys that have their own doctors that they don't have to have a practice.
Yeah. That's wild shit.
Where the doctors just like only go to rich people's homes. They don't even have an office.
They don't even have like proper doctoral shit.

Like they don't have to do anything doctorly.

They have a layer.

They have a layer.

Yeah.

Well, Michael Jackson had one and he killed him.

He did.

And you can now sign up to be one of his clients.

What was that drug that he gave him?

Fuck. I know it too.
On the tip of my tongue. It was...
I think it was with a D. It either starts with a D or an F.
Propofol. Propofol.
P. Yep.
Propofol. So, have you ever had Propofol? No.
Propofol. Oh, I'm still here.
Don't you... I want to see what that feels like.
What does it do to you, propofol? It's a painkiller. Is it? It turns the skin white.
Let's see. It says right there.
Propofol is a – it can cause – wait, what? Sedative. It's a sedative to help you relax during surgery or whatever.
But if he was asking only that that must be the best one look at that that medicine has been used recently to sedate coronavirus oh wow whoa patients who need medical ventilation in the intensive so if you're on a ventilator in icu they give you propofol to chill out to before you die yeah oh that's that's a good night that's the longest good kiss good night. I wonder, yeah.
Wow. Whoa.

Yeah.

Imagine having millions of dollars like Michael.

He's a B. He was a B.

He wasn't a billionaire.

And then you can just get any doctor to write you any prescription.

This is him.

So dangerous.

What if you still had to go to Walgreens to get your prescription?

Wait in that line.

Yeah.

Hey, I think I have a prescription here.

Yeah.

Last name. Jackson.
What if they go Jackson Can I see your ID And then he's like I got one for LaToya I have one for He goes through all of them There's no Michael in there Do you think Michael Jackson ever had to fucking show his ID for anything No don't you know the story we talked about on the show He had to rent out a grocery store to know what it was like to shop in a grocery store. I'm just saying if he gets pulled over by a cop, though, do you think he has to...
Never driven a car. He never drove a car in his life.
He never... Look at that.
What is that? What is that? Motown ID card for the record label? Yeah, it could be like a... Yeah, no, it's for...
It's when you go into... Okay, compare the two...
That photo? And now look at that. Well, yeah, that...
Same guy. They're like, this isn't you.
It's just just like but now let me ask you a real question yeah and i'm not making fun yeah i actually am not i'm actually a legitimate question of the room do you think i'm not i just don't do it yeah you're doing it no i'm not yeah you are i was gonna say what do you think that, this was trans before trans? That he was kind of one of the first like, no, no. I mean, no, I'm being, I'm not being.
So he's transitioning into a ghost? Because that's what he looks like. Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's the first trans.
I want to be the first ghost. He's the first trans white.
The first trans white. This is trans.
He is identifying as a white person. No.
He's white. I don't think he was going for white.
What the fuck are you talking about? He's going for something else. Beyond.
You know you go to Bed Bath & Beyond? Beyond the pale. Wow.
Beyond the pale. What do you mean? Wow.
Do you not know what Beyond the Pale? I saw Triangle of Sadness. You did? Mm-hmm.
So fucking. I brought my brother.
Did you cry? Not that I cried. We cried laughing.
That's what I'm saying. Listen, my brother only likes pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
You know what I mean? Those kind of movies. You know, with the fucking.
What is pew, pew, pew, pew? You know, with the dick in the mouth. Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do it again.

Pew, pew, pew, pew.

He loves those movies, right?

Yeah, yeah.

And the...

You know what I mean?

You're right in the butthole, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So anyway, he loves those movies, right?

Yes.

So we're sitting in this art house movie.

The one in Sunset right by the store.

Sunset 5. AMC 5.
Oh, Lemely, whatever it's It's the same kind of movie. Correct.
Right? we were watching this fucking and the trailers my brother was like already going let's get the fuck out of here man because it was like aristocrats and you know i mean people drinking tea it's like the entire a24 slate yeah he didn't like it it's the boston tea party but once that movie started i mean just, just 10 minutes in, my brother was just, we were laughing.

Incredible.

It's so incredible. Have you seen it? No, but I just did your brother's podcast.
That's what? I just did it. And I just, he wanted me to ask you about a story.
Go ahead. Since it came up kind of naturally.
Go ahead. He said to ask you about a guy named Derek Oliver.
What about Derek Oliver, Bob? I don't know. He said to ask him about it.
I think we've talked about him. We have.
Well, I've heard it. Well, she needs a response at some point.
Yeah, I'm going to give her one. No, no, no.
I mean. I'll give her one now.
Okay. You want more response? Yeah.
How dare you? I don't know what it is. Let me talk.
Let me talk. All right.
I bring you into this fucking family. All right.
He did. Yeah.
Let me talk. You don't interrupt.
Okay. I look at the sea of, you know what I mean, people at your level.
And I go, which one, which one, which one, which one can I help? Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Right.
Create a gigantic career. I'm talking millions, baby.
The M's. Yeah.
The lights. You know what I mean? Camera.
Camera. Action.
Action. Star.
Right? And I go, you know this one. I have to come.

I have to get people's approval.

Right.

I have to fight for it.

You did.

A couple of times you couldn't make it.

Right. I still stuck by your side.

You did.

Right?

I bring you in.

You kill it.

Kill it.

You make me look good.

Smash.

Right?

And then the machine's starting, right?

Uh-oh.

And I tell everyone, my agents, my managers, people, everyone I see, she's the next one.

She's up.

She's a star, right?

Then you come into my fucking home, right?

And you bring up Derek Oliver.

I don't know who he is.

Shut the fuck up, Juicy.

All right?

Stop fucking around.

All right?

What did I do to you?

Everything.

What do you want?

I know.

So why do you treat me like this?

I don't know who he is.

Why do you treat me like this, I don't know who he is. Why do you treat me like this, man?

I'm guessing not a friend.

Give her a synopsis.

He beat the shit out of me.

He humiliated me in front of 300 kids at my school.

And it was the most embarrassing day of my life.

No, they were not friends.

Yeah, yeah.

Eminence. He beat you up? Oh, yeah.
not friends. Yeah, yeah.
So. Eminence.

He beat you up?

Oh, yeah.

In school?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I bullied him.

So you were asking for it?

He would eat ice cream.

I would stick it in his face.

Right?

He'd be walking with his books.

I'd fucking cook his books.

Yeah, fuck you.

You know what I mean?

Nerd. Right? Yeah.
So one day, I don't know, his dad or his uncle or somebody told him, confront him. So Derek Oliver goes, hey, man, meet me at the field by our house.
You know the field I'm talking about? Everyone's coming, right? And I go, yeah, you little bitch. Let's do this.
Last word. And then I got knocked out.
Oh, my God. In front of last word and then I got knocked out oh my god in front of everyone and then from then on ice cream in my face folks fucking falling from my arm was Steve there? yeah oh yeah he was rooting him on he was in Derek's corner he was his he was corner man he was rubbing his shoulder at first he was on mine but then my brother just went to the other side you know he'll just go to the winning team yeah so anyway it was the most humiliating shameful day of my life and i regret me treating like that guy like that i learned a valuable lesson i'm not a bully okay i'm a victim yeah yeah oh no yes i'm a yes i'm a victim we've all had these moments yeah yeah so thanks for doing that those embarrassing moments though man do they they shape you as a person in a good way they do yeah i don't know if i told you this but it reminded me that i wrote a love note to a girl one time it's just so embarrassing in college my freshman year a girl who i crushed on super hard I slid it under her dorm door freshman year I came home one day

yeah College, my freshman year, a girl who I crushed on super hard. I slid it under her dorm door freshman year.
I came home one day. Yeah.
To her reading the note. Or I came back to the dorm.
I saw her reading the note with like two other guys from the dorm and three other girls. And they were dying laughing.
Oh, my God. I wish I was there.
Oh, my God. I wish I was there.
I genuinely, I contempl was there i genuinely i contemplated you cry no no no i i went right back outside and i looked at the main road it was a four laner and i thought i gotta jump in front of me i was gonna jump clean in front of a car i was like how if i get hit do i die right away or does it drag on yeah because i Because I was, dude I was, that fucked me up. But where is she now? I'd love to know.
It's Meghan Markle. She married.
Oh I see. Oh my god.
She went up. She went up.
She went up. She went up.
No where is she now? Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows? Man that fucked, you have one of those where it fucked you up? I did, so when I was in junior high I had my first crush and we had instant messaging at this, an AOL instant messaging like just came in yeah it was like brand new and I was messaging him and it's funny now I can't even think of his name but I was so obsessed with him but I was messaging him and I like copied his name and pasted it and would write his responses like trying to be funny but it just like freaked him out and then he wouldn't talk to me ever again he's like i think there's a glitch in my computer he like got really scared he didn't get that that that was your version of flirting it was like modern day witchcraft to him i think yeah like how did you court kalilah what do you mean like what was your how what was your scheme on getting her to be interested in you? Time. Right.
To wait it out. You were just.
Because there was two other pursuers. Yeah.
Right? And I go. And they were like, you know, different than me.
Like, rugby players. Athletes.
Guys, guys. Men.
Men? With hair. Just men.
All over their bodies. Yeah.
Muscles. And so she had two.
Like like one was a professional soccer player whoa in Spain Ronaldo something like that right and then another one was a Australian rugby player Jesus I would like to fuck either of these yeah yeah yeah and I'm like I'm looking at them going well they live in different countries so that helped that always helps you know what distance helps right proximity so i have time right and then what i did was i you know i you know i love bomb you love i love bomb now this is controversial do you know what love bombing is it's like love bombing is when you like you're like obsessively you know you're tempted to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection so you're like right away you're like you say stuff like i love you you know you're the most beautiful girl i've ever seen you know i'll do anything for you give them gifts this and this is this but a lot of the guys when they love bomb and they once they have sex they leave that's that's why it's fucked up well psychologists have identified love bombing as a possible part of a cycle of abuse and have warned against it very highly but what do they fucking know but also can I just defend myself here though the psychologists are pussy pussy ass psychologists but what I'm doing now is I'm doing the polar opposite right you're hate bombing yeah I'm hate bombing fuck you bitch I hate you and don't show up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you don't go to my no what I'm doing I've been doing is it's like being mindful what I say yes, right and I promise things And not and not see them every single day maybe once a week, you know me and just get to know each other You can't have a balance.
Yeah, have a a balance that's healthy well i'm trying to do it because i just don't want to repeat the same kind of things where it's like dude that's i mean that's honestly i'm no joke all jokes aside that's huge growth especially for you learning about what you like and you don't like at this point in your life relationship wise yeah huge growth to be like well i'm not going down those fucking roads anymore yeah it's hard because you've already Yeah. But I will say, when you and I talk privately off the show about dating stuff, it seems like you're finding your way into what's comfortable for you.
Yeah, I think my self-esteem is better. Yeah, yeah.
It is. It's much better.
I know. Right? So it's like, that helps.
Because you feel really good about yourself. I feel good about myself, yeah.
And I feel good about where I'm at. And it's like, there Cause you feel really good About yourself I feel good about myself Yeah And I feel good Where I'm at And it's like There's a confidence That I have Do you feel good About yourself Yeah That's awesome That's awesome That is fucking awesome You know what I feel like Is a white Good looking white So Not sorority What's the other one Fraternity That's how you feel Yeah You feel like a frat guy i feel like a white frat guy

with fucking six pack you don't have to say white frat guy it's it's redundant just say frat guy oh

yeah that's right right there's like three black frats there are they're black frats yeah don't

you see them you know they do stomps and stuff oh yeah it's fucking tight are there asian frats

yeah it's called it's like every ivy league school it's just a frat oh that's right right

so but i feel like uh the popular good looking dude on campus what are the asian fraternities

Thank you. it's called it's like every Ivy League school it's just a frat oh that's right so but I feel like the popular good looking dude on campus what are the Asian fraternities can you still rush even though you're 51 do you think oh let's see you're the Asian fraternity alright right pi delta psi lambda phi epsilon alpha kappa delta phi too many words you can only have three chinky chinky cho Choo.
What school is Chinky Chinky Choo? Where is that? What school is Chinky Choo? What university is that at? Yeah, Chinky Chinky Choo. UCLA.
UCLA. Yes, it is.
That's a, yeah. Yes, it is.
Yeah. Asians, they have a different style of hazing.
Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Like, snort all this wasabi you have to chug you have to chug ramen ramen juice no noodles you have to drink the juice yeah what is it Lambda Phi Epsilon International Fraternity that's the biggest Asian okay it says world's largest Asian interest fraternity founded in 1981 right after the Boston Tea Party at Los Angeles California International Fraternity Guide Men in Lifelong Discovery hey let's reach out to Lambda Phi Epsilon and see if they can make you an honorary member.
I would love to. So anybody that's a Lambda- I've always wanted to be in a fraternity.
Anybody that's a Lambda- It's a dry fraternity. It's dry? So that's great.
You're so perfect. That is great, yeah.
That's awesome. That's awesome.
Okay, cool. Yeah.
So let's- What do they do? They have games? What does it say? They're known for providing outstanding leadership, philanthropy, and advocacy in the community huh that sounds pretty fucking yeah it's not fun at all well yeah yeah you know it's a dry fraternity so no drinking no drugs is there more of a druggy one yeah where's the drug we can't send him to the drug one why not just well it's for the show yeah i don't have to like partake no he just wants to be around yeah yeah i mean he's still around us and we're toxic yeah I want to be around when you know we're just smoking opium and Asian fat Asian frat not dry no that's not gonna get it done party best best Asian party party fraternity best Asian party fraternity I don't know what a kid search no one searching this alright Asian masculinity on reddit Asian masculinity well we're not we should sway away from that one Duke University frat holds racist Asian themed party let's go there yeah that's me yeah but that wouldn't I wouldn't they would I'm gonna be the vict yes you gotta fight you gotta fight oh that's right I have to challenge myself yeah when I walk in, they would, I'm going to be the victor. Yes.
You got to fight.

You got to fight. Oh, that's right.

You got to fight the good fight.

I have to challenge myself.

Yeah.

When I walk in the frat house,

I'm going to go,

Haro.

Haro.

They'll do it in unison.

What?

They'll do it in unison.

Will you come with me?

Oh, yeah.

I'll be one of the guys in the frat.

No.

Why, you want me to wear it?

I want you the eyeliner.

Yellow.

Pretend to be Asian?

Say Haro.

They'll sniff me right out.

Say Haro.

Haro.

Perfect.

They'll sniff me right out. They'll sniff me right out.
You could be my sister. Go say hero.
Hero. Perfect.
I don't like it either. You know what? I don't like it either.
She gets nervous anytime we do that. Do more Asian.
You're allowed to with him. If he says it, you're allowed to.
Yeah. I beg of you.
She's going to get canceled. Because you brought up a Derek Oliver.
If she gets canceled because of that. What? Because she says hero? I wouldn't get canceled now.
It'll happen like 20 years from now. That's right.
20 years from now. Oh, that's always.
Do you really think of stuff like that? Sometimes. It happens all the time.
Yeah, but on our podcast, one of our best friends is Asian and we're joking with him. I think it's okay.
No, but it's interesting. When you said the N-word when we started the show, that's not okay.
Well, I learned. But that's interesting.
You cut that part out. Because she's thinking because of what Shane Gillis went through.
Yeah. Right? She's now thinking forward.
Shane Gillis didn't have an Asian guy on the show with him. I understand that.
A little different. It is a little different, but it's just interesting that that's something that you have to think of.
You and I don't. Yeah, but why don't we? Think of this, though.
Yeah. We do it, right? Yeah, he does it.
And we're fine. No, that's not the right comparison.
That's just we're also older and of a different generation and she's she's part of a more young progressive she they have to be more conscious at her level they they're so much more judgmental of each other our peers know that it's all love and we're kidding her peers are fucking probably being like i heard what you said on that podcast and that's not cool not to my face but yeah yeah behind your back yeah really of course bob this This is a young generation. They're woke.
They're trying to be woke and progressive and be conscious of what comes out of their mouth. We're old idiots.
If I say harrow, they'll say goodbye. That's great.
Thank you for being a bad friend. Could I possibly plug one show? I'm headlining.
Yeah, go ahead. Okay.
I'm headlining the San Jose Improv on January 18th,

and I would love to see some of you guys out there.

Go out there.

January 18th, San Jose Improv, and go watch the Juice, please.

Woo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo! Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Yeah!