Missionary Missionaries

Speaker 1 On the heels of me playing Boston on New Year's Eve, which is part of the plug for the tea party, we want to do a scene from one of my favorite Boston movies, The Departed.

Speaker 1 You don't even need the pain in the F, and they're going to catch you. You You don't even need the money.
I haven't needed the money since I took Archie's milk money in the third grade.

Speaker 1 Tell the truth, I don't need

Speaker 1 anymore, but I still like it. Point I'm making, you see, I got this rat.
Gnawing, cheese-eating f ⁇ ing rat.

Speaker 1 Questions come up. Questions, see, Bill, you're the new guy and the girlfriend.
Why don't you stay in a bar when I get numbers? Your numbers, everybody's numbers.

Speaker 1 Is that something you want to ask me, Frank? Start with, you agree there is a rat. You said there is one.
I base most of what I do on the idea that you're pretty fing good at what you do.

Speaker 1 Sure, yeah, all that aside. But you, Bill, what would you do?

Speaker 1 How many of these guys have been with you long enough to be disgruntled? Who needs more money than do you pay them? You pay them much, you know? It's almost feudal enterprise.

Speaker 1 No, I didn't know me. Thank you.
The question is, who thinks they would do what you do better than you do? Only one that can do what I do is me. You want to be me? I probably could be you.

Speaker 1 I know that much.

Speaker 1 But I don't want to be you. Heavy lies the crown sort of thing.

Speaker 2 Francis?

Speaker 2 We're out of here, Mr. Costello.

Speaker 2 You'll have to set the alarm.

Speaker 1 You've definitely never seen yesterday.

Speaker 1 Stop, stop, stop.

Speaker 1 That was a pretty good one. Yeah, let's get that over.
Way to give her the line again.

Speaker 1 So start with heavy line again. You say Francis.
No, no. She's got to take a tailbone because I want to be able to see her fighting.
Oh, the transition. All right.

Speaker 1 Heavy lies the crown sort of thing. So, Mr.
French, make him a French accent, probably. Bartender, make them

Speaker 1 like Jamaican or whatever, you know. Sure.
And the bartend. Yeah, you pick.
Yeah, you pick. Good? Okay.
Okay. Heavy lies the crown sort of thing.

Speaker 2 Francis?

Speaker 2 We're out of Herman. Mr.
Costello, you'll have to set the alarm.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Jimmy. See you tomorrow.

Speaker 1 There's a boat coming in up in Gloucester and Gloucester. French will give you all the details.
Hey, bad friends. I'm going to be in Boston on New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve, right, guys? Woo!

Speaker 1 You!

Speaker 1 Yay! Yay!

Speaker 1 Everybody, buy tickets to come see me on New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve, please.

Speaker 1 It's the final two shows of the year before Bob and I go on tour next year in March with Juicy and the Bad Friends crew. This is my last show.
Go to andrewsantino.com, AndrewSantino.com.

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 Really, you two or something. We're bad friends.
Well, that's during their slaughter. Well, that was from.
Were they slaughtered with this on? Whoa.

Speaker 1 According to Amazon saying, I can't wear this because they were slaughtered in this.

Speaker 1 All right, here's the thing. And they took the land.
And then...

Speaker 1 Do they use this on the casinos? Yes.

Speaker 1 That's authentic. That's from a casino.
Which one?

Speaker 1 Tricha Pachanga. Chichi Pachanga is my favorite one.
I played that one. Yeah, you should have a Pachanga.
No, it's from Morongo.

Speaker 1 Oh, Morongo is the better one. I'm sorry.
That's over there in Santa. Santa Mona Nina.
Yeah, he said Santa Media.

Speaker 1 All right, I'll wear this one. This right here? No, there's not.
It's okay. I get it.
I get it.

Speaker 1 Here's the deal. Why are we doing the Boston Tea Party? I don't know much about it.
Do you not know anything about the Boston? It's coming up. They lied.
Who lied? The English. Whoa.
About the tea.

Speaker 1 What did they do about the tea? Actually, timeout. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Don't bring anything up. You can bring up photos.
No information. I want you to give me a teacher.
I don't know anything about that part of our history. I want you to try.
I bet you do.

Speaker 1 Can I put the vest on real quick? Yeah.

Speaker 1 While you're putting your vest on, Juicy, I want you to tell me what your version of the Boston Tea Party is.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm going to actually try. What I think I've learned is the Bostons,

Speaker 2 they took over a ship.

Speaker 1 The Bostons? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, the Boston. Let me throw my two assets.
Well, could she finish hers before you? Because I think I know one fact about it. I don't want her to say it first.
Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 1 It has something to do with taxes. Ah, no taxation.
No taxation. Without tea.
Without tea? No,

Speaker 1 you don't tea the tax. You can't tax a T.

Speaker 1 You don't T a tax? You don't T a tax. You don't T a tax on this line.
Yeah, on this line. But I got to tell you, can you tax T these days?

Speaker 1 I don't think you can. T is not taxed.
You can't tax the T. You can't tax the goddamn tea.
And And the Bostons did that. The Bostonians did that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's your go finish? Can't tax the tea.

Speaker 2 No

Speaker 2 taxation without

Speaker 1 representation. That's the real one.
Yeah. Wait, no taxation without representation? Yeah.
What the fuck does that mean?

Speaker 2 It's like how you can't get a role. Like, I mean, you get a role.

Speaker 1 You have to have representation.

Speaker 1 I mean, you guys have all pissed him off. It's already starting a little bad to do.
I did a lot of paper. This guy's already fucking fucked me up.
Light him up. Light him up.
Yeah. you fuck you, man.

Speaker 1 Why? Because I called you?

Speaker 1 Dude, first of all, it was three minutes late. Andrew's number one.

Speaker 1 I had already fucking texted him that I was going to be fucking late.

Speaker 1 That rubs me the wrong way. Then it's Andrew's fault for nothing.
No, it's not. No, fuck you.
You know what you did, dude.

Speaker 1 All right. And you know what? I'm on Annie Letterman's side.
That's insane. That's insane.
Annie Letterman's side. That's insane.

Speaker 1 I understand now her griff. Okay.
And her fucking. Being on Annie's side is bad for your career.
it's bad for everyone's career anyway so let me say this what

Speaker 1 i never i never told him to call i already know that i i in fact he two minutes in he said should i call bobby and i said do not call bobby do not call bobby two minutes in and he goes and you know what he said to me he goes i produced the show buddy oh don't even get me started that's what he said he said sit down and get into it this guy is a lazy one what do you mean i mean this guy's one of the he don't even show up to some of the fucking shoots because someone else is here for me no he's also he's also he is not lazy he's sick and he's here he has covered he has covered you covered right now yeah one of the new ones this is my last day of covid well what the fuck are you doing here man well it's it's the last day pete yeah it's the last day you just said i was lazy and i'm here with you he wanted to prove he's not lazy also pete's the one that gave him covid oh really yeah he gave it to all of us go back to this you have it okay

Speaker 2 tell me about the boston tea party as much as you know they were tired of the taxing so they went and they took all the tea and they were like fuck you and they pushed it off the boat and all the tea went into the water it's probably the dopest version i've ever heard they were tired of the taxing, so they took the tea.

Speaker 1 I know there was tea and taxing a boat. I just don't know the arrangement.
Do you want me to tell you what happened? I'd love to hear it. So.

Speaker 1 But let me say this. Please.
I'm very susceptible to your lies. Come on.
And your exaggeration. Come on.

Speaker 1 So I don't want to be, because I'm going to take your information and then 20 years later, I'm going to be like in a fucking intelligence. And a darn Lex Friedman and some other fucking intellectuals.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to go, well, I know about that. And I'm going to repeat this story.
Okay. All right, go ahead.
All right. So here's what really happened.

Speaker 1 People from Boston. Well, let me write it down.
Give me a pen. He can write it down.
We can. I need it.
You need it. Yeah, yeah.
Give me a pen and a paper. Please.
Okay. Please.

Speaker 1 Andre's YouTube show. He has fucking COVID.

Speaker 1 I guess you'll give it to me.

Speaker 1 Is this washed? Good.

Speaker 1 Dude, I don't like the way you fucking set it down, dude. Oh, my God.
Sit it down right, dude. Oh, my God.
Set it down right, dude.

Speaker 1 With an apology. Let's see.
Throw that back. Sir.

Speaker 1 I knew he was going to do it. I knew it.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'll do it. Are you being real right now, dude? Are you being real? I can't believe it.
I can't fucking believe it. Let's see how he does it this time.
Let's see how he does it this time.

Speaker 1 I wrote sorry on it. Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh, my.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck you. You can't fucking help yourself, can you? Let me tell you something.
No, no, no, no. I'm doing more time.
That's it. I'm doing more time.
That's it. We're done.
No, that's insane.

Speaker 1 That was fucking disrespectful, dude. You're copying Annie.

Speaker 1 What? You're copying Annie. You're you.
Yeah, but it's your behavior, dude. Alright, do it, Shanta.

Speaker 1 Do it, Jennifer.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 Before you fucking do it, dude, I'm telling you right now, dude, you're on the line. Oh, God.
And it's going to destroy our fucking friendship. Dude, you're hurting his feelings.
No, right.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to see this. You're hurting his feelings.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 You're on the line. You're going to destroy our friendship.
Because if you don't do it, Gentila, I'm going to present you forever. You're emotional right now.

Speaker 1 I know I'm emotional because I really think our friendship's on the line. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I drew a heart. No, but put it down nice put it down nice

Speaker 1 very nice there it is

Speaker 1 no that's not nice dude i put it there i drew i know but that's not nice okay we're our friendship's over that's not yeah get out of here our friendship's over wow that was you couldn't have done that nice wow i drew a heart no no it doesn't matter you you put it down okay carlos is carlos is boston you're the tea right now

Speaker 1 thank you so much thank you

Speaker 1 and he threw you into the fucking

Speaker 1 river.

Speaker 1 I was sorry, and drew a heart on it. He did.

Speaker 1 Anyway, tell me about the Bostons. Okay, so here's what happened.
What year? This all takes place in 1964.

Speaker 1 I feel like that. Already it feels.
I feel like.

Speaker 1 No, honestly, I feel like it's not that. Wait, really? Yeah, yeah.
No, wow, blah, blah, blah. 1864.
Okay, that's better. 1864.
Still feel like that's a little.

Speaker 1 It was a time of kings and queens. Okay, kings and paupers and princes.
Kings and queens and paupers and princes.

Speaker 1 Everybody owned a little person. Paupers and princes.
You could still own an LP. Legally, you could own an LP.
LP.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 the LP business was a booming.

Speaker 1 Was that records? Higher than it's ever been.

Speaker 1 I think at one point. Records.
At one point, like 6.4. But in 1864, what did they have like Chopin on vinyl and Bach on vinyl?

Speaker 1 They didn't have jazz back then, did they? Sure, they did. Sure, they did.
It had a lot of jazz.

Speaker 1 Herbie Hancock.

Speaker 1 Who ironically, yep. Herbie Hancock.
Who ironically played the commencement ceremony at the Boston Tea Party.

Speaker 2 On synth.

Speaker 1 On synthesizer.

Speaker 1 Let me just say something. I don't think they had synthes in the 1865.
Yes, they did. I swear to God, they did.
It was invented in 1692. I'm not going to look it up.
When was a synth invented?

Speaker 1 I can show you right now.

Speaker 2 Herbie invented, or I think he invented this.

Speaker 1 He was one of the co-inventors. The synthesizer was invented.
It says it right there. Oh, synth invented.
1865. Oh, it's right there.
Even though that's in the search, you put that down.

Speaker 1 No, it's not. That's me.
That's a trick, dude. Okay, dude.
How do you search Google? Go ahead. How do you search Google? That's Google.
You don't search what you're looking for.

Speaker 1 You're right, you're right, you're right. It was 1664.
1864.

Speaker 1 And he wrote, Enter, 1864.

Speaker 1 Go ahead.

Speaker 1 So, um,

Speaker 1 push, press enter.

Speaker 1 All right, he's not going to press enter. All right, so, so.
Oh, look, look, whoa,

Speaker 1 1964. That's what I said the first time it's close

Speaker 1 so you're right. The irony of that is so that a little scary the Boston Tea Party happened in 1964.

Speaker 1 Okay that's what I thought when I said this as recommended because you're Hancock playing the numbers that my sentries wrong. Thank you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So apparently so Boston people at this point it's the only city in the United States where you're allowed to own and trade LPs. And you can own and trade LPs throughout your friendship circle.

Speaker 1 Only in Boston.

Speaker 1 So in LA,

Speaker 1 what would happen, right, if I went to you and I went, hey, check, I have the new Go-Go's LP. They weren't around then, but.
Oh, dude, you're thinking I mean LP albums. Oh, what is it?

Speaker 1 Oh, little people.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 You know, you got to ask. You really got to ask.
Little people.

Speaker 1 So back in Boston, they used to trade little people. You can only trade whites.

Speaker 1 This was in protest

Speaker 1 of the LP trade embargo being cut off. So the little people trade embargo.

Speaker 1 When this was ended, this was a protest. And so then they, of course, threw all the, quote, black tea,

Speaker 1 which was an attack on black people, really. It was a bunch of racists.
Right.

Speaker 1 And then so then what happened? So did the English have anything to do with the little people? They're the ones that started the trade in the first place. But it's like

Speaker 1 they were thrown out of here hundreds of years ago. I know, but they went to Ireland and Scotland, where most of us live.

Speaker 1 The LPs. Oh, that's right, because I saw the Lord of the Rings.
But say Lord of the Rings. It's a Lord of the Rings.
Lord of the Rings. Lord of

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I know that. And you know, by the way.
Why'd I say Shire? You know, Leprechaun? LP was actually short for Leprechaun. Whoa.
You just fucking blew my fucking mind there.

Speaker 1 It was Leprechaun. So my people were the most...
Why did you say Leprechaun? Don't say LP. Well, I have to say that because of respect that my grandmother was traded.
She was a leprechaun? Yep.

Speaker 1 My bad. And she was traded.
Interesting. She got traded about six or seven times.
Okay, so

Speaker 1 let me get this straight then. You got it.
You got it? I think you got it. I don't think I got it.
Let me hear it. I literally don't think I got it.

Speaker 1 So I don't know anything about the boat, but there was a boat. No.

Speaker 1 I swear to God. Where are they going to throw it? Over a harbor?

Speaker 1 It was docked. No engine.
Oh, so it's just folklore. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The boat is just folklore. So they built this boat and it never left the dock.
That was the thing. Oh, I see.
But can we just say boat? Yeah, say boat. All right.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 back in the days of the kings and queens and the pappers and the prince

Speaker 1 in 1964.

Speaker 1 So we're at a party, right? Yeah. And with a historian, right?

Speaker 1 They were Lizzy Little people, right? Only white ones.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 And I don't know why they had to throw them overboard because my professor, Mr. Santino, never taught me that.
But they used to throw them over the board.

Speaker 1 But it was great because while they were being thrown overboard,

Speaker 1 Herbie Hancock was playing.

Speaker 1 It's right there.

Speaker 1 There's a full-blown party going on. What was he? How was parting? What instrument was he he playing? The synthesizer.
Wow. And it's ironic because in 1964 is when it was invented.

Speaker 1 So it must have blown everyone's mind because they never heard anything like that. Correct.
You know what I mean? They're like, what is that? A piano? As they're throwing from space. Right.

Speaker 1 They hear the synth. I get it.
Wow. And England, that's where the little people come from.

Speaker 1 That's what I can fill in the blanks now. I get it.
You don't have to say anything. So what happens is this, okay?

Speaker 1 I get it, right?

Speaker 1 England comes over here on a boat with the little people, right?

Speaker 1 And they're like, hello, hello, you know, you don't have one of these,

Speaker 1 right? And they're like, what is it? You know what I mean? What is it?

Speaker 1 It's southern. Are they southerners? There was a couple of southerners.

Speaker 1 I didn't know. There were southern Boston.
There was a couple of southern Boston people. Southern Boston people.
You know, they say like, like, Boston accent, like, oh, it's from Southeast. Right.

Speaker 1 But way South Boston sounds like this, dude. Oh, really? That's way South Boston.
Wow. Yeah, I'm South Boston.
So how P.O. Vaughn could have come from South Boston.
I think he's from Massachusetts.

Speaker 1 That's amazing. Yeah.
that's fucking great information there. So,

Speaker 1 hello, hello.

Speaker 1 Hey, man.

Speaker 1 Do you have one of these little ones? I've never seen them before.

Speaker 1 Here you go.

Speaker 1 Oh, whoa, thank you.

Speaker 1 And then they threw them over.

Speaker 1 We don't want it. We don't want it.
No, thanks. They threw it over, right? And that's how Thanksgiving started.
That's exactly right.

Speaker 1 Thanksgiving

Speaker 1 started.

Speaker 1 Thank you for that history lesson. I got to tell you.

Speaker 1 I'm a learner. You are yeah, yeah, and I'm open.
I'm a learner and I'm open. And

Speaker 1 thank you for that. You're an open learner.
You're an open book. Did Indians have any native people have anything to do with that or no? Yeah.
What?

Speaker 1 Well, they, they, they, you know, yeah, they what? They,

Speaker 1 I feel like this is what's gonna happen. No, yeah.
Uh-uh. You're gonna do like a Sandy Hook thing and say they didn't exist.

Speaker 1 Are you a fucking native denier? No, dog. You're a native denier.
Well,

Speaker 1 to be honest, you've never seen seen one. I've never seen one.

Speaker 1 Wow. No.
You know what? One, two, three years later, he's in court.

Speaker 1 One billion dollar settlement from the... Anyways.
I have to pay out Pachanga as a whole. I'm sorry, Pachanga.
There's a whole plug for Pachanga.

Speaker 1 The Indians were involved. Actually, the real truth, truth, truth? Yeah, I would love the real history of it.
A lot of times. Some of this is lies.
Yeah. Which was

Speaker 1 almost

Speaker 1 the the Herbie Hancock part. Yeah, and I knew that.
You could tell. I could tell.
Because he came around the. It was Count Basie that was there.
Yeah, also, he came around the 70s, I think. Late 70s.

Speaker 1 It was a little early for him. So Herbie Hancock.
No,

Speaker 1 many of these people dressed up as Native Americans. So when you zoom in, you can see they were the first one to do brown films.
Oh, so those guys are there.

Speaker 1 Those are

Speaker 1 white guys in brown makeup.

Speaker 1 Interesting.

Speaker 2 They all got fired from their jobs the next day.

Speaker 1 They all look like they canceled it. They got canceled.
That was the first cancellation problem. This was.
Yeah, the shoemakers got canceled.

Speaker 1 That's Kevin Shoemaker.

Speaker 1 Zoom in. You can tell.
That's Kevin Shoemaker Hawkins. And you know these guys.
They're historical figures. Oh, yeah.
That's Kevin Shoemaker. Kevin Shoemaker is the one with it.

Speaker 1 See his arms above his head throwing that cask in? Right. That's Kevin Shoemaker.

Speaker 1 He looks like an asshole. 100%.
Because in that box, what's in there? A little person. An LP.

Speaker 1 That's interesting. They used to put them in boxes.
Well, they could fit.

Speaker 1 I know they could fit. They can't breathe.
But it's easier to ship. Easier to ship.
No. They can't breathe.
It's like a bug. You poke holes in the ocean.
Right, but then you throw them in the ocean.

Speaker 1 It's like a cat in a bag. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You can only do so much so far.

Speaker 1 I don't know what happens when they go in the ocean. I don't know.
I think it floats. Maybe they turn into mermaids.

Speaker 1 That's how we got mermaids. Yeah, maybe.
Thank you, Thanksgiving. Right.

Speaker 1 This is how we got mermaids.

Speaker 2 You can't disprove it.

Speaker 1 Which means

Speaker 1 you can't disprove it. That's a fact.
Which means Little Mermaid is white.

Speaker 1 Right. Listen up,

Speaker 1 Disney Little Mermaid. I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you why. Because they threw little people that were only white, as Andrew said,

Speaker 1 into the oceans, which turned to mermaids. And by the way, there are no black mermaids.
Where were most of the little people from? England. The Shire.
No, the Shire. You're mine.
Ireland. Ireland.

Speaker 1 Scotland. Redheads.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Redheads.
And what's Little Mermaid? What? What is Little Mermaid? Irish. A redhead.
A redhead. Thank you.
Bro, those are my people.

Speaker 1 Fuck, you just blew my mind right now.

Speaker 1 That's it. Yes.
Yeah. Yes, that's how we got her.
Yeah. By the way, the drawings of Little Mermaid.
Do you know Q? Huh? Q. Oh, I'm Q.
I know.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 we got to email Q after this because this is a whole thing. It ain't a conspiracy.
I have Alex Jones on the phone. Well, I heard what you got said on your podcast about

Speaker 1 Little Mermaid, and I couldn't agree more.

Speaker 1 It's insane that, you know, she's actually a fish. She's just a full fish.
Here's the thing about Little Mermaid. She was only four foot six.
I did not know that. Google, how tall was Little Mermaid?

Speaker 1 Four foot six. Four foot six.
Proving my theory once again. She was an LP from Ireland who was brought to Boston, thrown in the ocean, turned into a fish girl.

Speaker 1 You know, where mermaids fuck up is the fish part should start from the knees. Why is that? Because the vag is covered up with fish vague but do you know a fish?

Speaker 1 Have you ever thought about that?

Speaker 1 You see the beautiful mermaid. How tall is she? Just ask.

Speaker 1 Keep going. I want to hear.
No, but you know my theory, dude. Oh, yeah.
I would because mermaids are

Speaker 1 0, 5, 4. 4, 4, 5.
4, 5. No, and the.
Oh, there's different measurements

Speaker 1 in the ocean. The maximum is different.
Yeah. Because here she's my height.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So, anyway. So, tell me your theory.
Keep going. Well, I just think it would be cooler if the mermaids had the fish part from the knee down.

Speaker 1 So, but you're saying, but how do you know if fish vagina is cool or not? Because

Speaker 1 the waist down, it's not a pant. It's a part of their body.
Yeah, but how do you know what a fish vagina is like? You have no idea. Well, obviously they're naked.
Mm-hmm. Have you fucked a fish?

Speaker 1 Like, I tried. I couldn't find the vadge.
So, but you saying fish don't have vaginas? Well, I just, you look at a mermaid and you go, where is the vadge?

Speaker 1 You've seen the frontal part of the fucking mermaid.

Speaker 1 Do you care to explain? Like

Speaker 1 centaurs. Centaurs.
Yeah. They have penises.
You see them. Yeah, but that's the animal penis.
It's not the human penis. That is the horse penis that you see.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and the female centaurs, you you see the vagina as well. I know, but I think they can't show it on

Speaker 1 Disney. Fuck, I fucked that up.
It's all Disney's fault. Right that up top.
Yeah, but I've seen other mermaids. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why do I need you a mermaid?

Speaker 1 What's going on here, Bobby? Do you care to explain?

Speaker 1 Pinch and zoom.

Speaker 1 What is going on here, bud? I can't go in the ocean.

Speaker 1 Is there something that you want to tell us? Well, when I go to the ocean, that's what happens.

Speaker 1 Is there something you want to tell me? I'm a mermaid.

Speaker 1 Look, where's your vagina? That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 When I'm in the ocean, I turn into a fucking mermaid. Oh, my God.
My dick is gone. Oh, my God.
Right, so that's what I'm saying. I mean, you live in the middle of the day.
Evolution fucked it up.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I've never seen you look happier than in that photo.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you something? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can we get a good artist at home? If there's a fan, yeah, that photo, leave it on that. What it is right now, please.
Can we get someone who's really good at painting? Will paint this?

Speaker 1 Because it is beautiful. It's fucking stunning.
It's stunning. I want this in my house.
I want a painting, a recreation of this photo. That is stunning.
It's amazing. Thank you.
Wow. Anyway.

Speaker 2 You guys should remake Slash.

Speaker 1 You should remake Slash. Slash.

Speaker 2 You'll play Tom Hay.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yes.
And I'm Hannah. Yeah.
What's your name? Gatsby. Hannah Gatsby.
Hannah Gatsby. I'll be Hannah Gatsby there.
I like that you're writing stuff down there. Yeah, yeah, Hannah Gatsby.

Speaker 1 You're big on writing it. Yeah, yeah.
I like it. He's open.
He's a learner. I'm learning right now, dude.

Speaker 1 You feel so woke right now. What do you mean? I feel like your presence is very alive.
I just woke up. I had one hour of sleep.

Speaker 1 I had one hour of sleep. You just awoke.
And this morning I woke up. Well, I couldn't sleep out because I had hunger pains.
What do you mean? In the middle of the night? At like five in the morning.

Speaker 1 I woke up and I'm like, oh, I'm hungry. Did you go eat? No, but, you know, I always think because McDonald's, you know how McDonald's used to do 24-hour breakfast? I know, I miss it.

Speaker 1 But then they switched it to 11 a.m. So there's that window.
You're like, I can get it now. I can get it now.
And at 6 in the morning, I broke down and I got it. What did did you get today?

Speaker 1 Two egg wing muffins, a hash brown, one breakfast burrito, orange juice, and a cinnabon. Small man.
I ate it all, and then I couldn't get back to sleep. And then I kind of came here.

Speaker 1 I was a little late. Why do you think you couldn't get back to sleep after you? I was just in a bad mood, and I was full.
And I was like.

Speaker 1 Do you think it was maybe like 5,000 calories that couldn't put you back to sleep?

Speaker 1 That's a lot, Bob. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you eat all that. That was a couple of breakfasts.
I didn't eat anything yesterday, though. That's the problem.
I know, but that. Well, okay.
Well, can I tell you why?

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Say it.

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Speaker 1 Say it.

Speaker 1 So, yesterday I went to my favorite ramen place in Little Tokyo. Love.
Dakuya Ramen. Takuya.

Speaker 1 And so I was at a party of six,

Speaker 1 and one person was late. I waited an hour.

Speaker 1 The Japanese guy comes out. Okay, Baby, upsticks.
Baby.

Speaker 1 I come with five. Where's the other person? And I go, she's parking your car.
No, forget it.

Speaker 1 Been there, done that. I think that's what he said.
Been there, done that. That is their slogan.
That is? I have no idea. Outside on the sign.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Been there, done that.
I go.

Speaker 1 What? He goes, you know, if not six, you can't come. I go, well, what if she just doesn't come? We're five then.
Right. No.

Speaker 1 Then he goes, party of five Phillips.

Speaker 1 I swear to God. Party of five Phillips.
Right. The Phillip family comes in.
Right. Phillips comes up and he goes, we only have four.
And he goes, no problem.

Speaker 1 Probably. See him immediately.
So now I'm seething mad. Of course.
Right. I tell the sixth person, don't even come.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 So I find the Japanese dude in the restaurant and I go, well, the sixth one's not coming. So can we see see she's like now you have to wait no yeah i had to wait another half an hour

Speaker 1 right and then so i was gonna fucking put it on my story i took a photo of the sign

Speaker 1 and i was gonna rip them apart but you didn't i didn't you know why why quality food what i could have posted it when we got our food though i know but the food is so good that you can't be mean that's true if the food is bad you could be mean

Speaker 1 yeah because i'm gonna go back there again 100 in fact you know what what let's flip the script on him. Let's kill him with kindness.

Speaker 1 Why don't you send a message to the man right now?

Speaker 1 I can't right now. Dude, let's do it.

Speaker 1 Kill him with kindness. All right.
What's his name? Let's just call him

Speaker 1 Squints. There it is.

Speaker 1 Is that? Squints? Yeah. That's not offensive.

Speaker 1 It's a term of endearment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me put a little adjective, like a little squint. Little squint, like a rapper.
Little squints. Yeah, hey, yo.
I'll say yo. Sure.
Why not? Yeah. Yo, yo, little squint.
What's up? What's up?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Yeah. Dr.
Bob here. I want to be a rapper, too.
Yeah. But you're not a doctor? I know, but either is Dr.
Dre.

Speaker 1 I think he actually is a Dr. Devote.
He does have a doctor. All right, so I'm Bob.

Speaker 1 You could be Mr. Bob.
Mr. Bob.
Mr. Bob.
You know what I mean? Grandmaster Bob? Sure. Thank you.
Grandmaster is a little. What?

Speaker 1 A stretch? A little Kanye there. Yeah.
Oh, it is? Master. Oh, that's right.

Speaker 1 My bad. The Grand Master is the leader of the KKK.
It is? I think so.

Speaker 1 So Grand Master Flash was a fucking KKK. That was kind of fighting back at the man.
That was like getting back at the man.

Speaker 1 I'm getting back at the man now, too. I like it.
Grand Wizard. Right.
Sorry, Grand Wizard.

Speaker 1 So you're Grand Wizard Bob. Yeah.
Yeah, I'll be Grand Wizard. That's better, right?

Speaker 1 That's taking power. Yo, little squints.
Yo, yo.

Speaker 1 Grand Wizard Bob. Hey, it's Grand Wizard Bob.

Speaker 1 Yeah, please. I don't want to say it again.
Go ahead. I'm Grand Wizard Bob.

Speaker 1 Sup? The KKK. Yeah, he's going to clip this.
Great music for that website. Great ramen, dog.
Shout Shout out from Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 I'm doing my apology, guys. Okay, okay, go, go, go.
Well, look at the camera. Don't look at us.
Go ahead and apologize to him. He's watching.
Yo.

Speaker 1 And sorry that I had to wait two hours. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Do it again. We'll do it again.
I'll wait five hours next time. With love.
With love. Grandmaster Bob.
Grandmaster Bob.

Speaker 1 Grand Wizard Bob.

Speaker 1 Grand Wizard Bob. So that felt better.
Thank you. Good.
Yeah, we got through that. And now let's go there together.
Yeah. And we'll go.
You know what we'll do next time? We'll go. I'll go with you.

Speaker 1 And we'll say, party of one, but I'll go with you. And we'll see if they'll let you add a person to the party instead of one not being there.
That's a trick. What do you mean? Undersell.

Speaker 1 Right. There's six people be like, it's only a party of four.
Then there's six arrive. He's like, party of four? And you're like, yeah.

Speaker 1 We have six. Yeah.
See what he does. Yeah, he's not going to see us.
I know.

Speaker 1 Oh, so that's a trick. Yeah, that's a good, yeah.
That's pretty good. Yeah.
So we wait longer. Yep.
That's great.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Or we could just have the number.
We should have the number. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I have an idea. Go ahead.
We say four.

Speaker 2 The three of us go, and they go, where's the fourth person? We say they're in the bathroom. Meanwhile, you go to the bathroom and come back in a disguise and we play it the whole dinner.

Speaker 1 So we Ethan Hunt it. Yes.
We mission impuzzle Ethan Hunt. Maybe I can get one of those things.

Speaker 1 The machines that he has. You guys need to set up costumes in the bathroom at the restaurant in order to be able to get the money.
Well, get the Ethan Hutt machine so I can be anybody. Okay.
Right? So

Speaker 1 you could literally be anybody. Yeah.
Right. Who do you want to be? Orson Welles.

Speaker 1 I could do an Orson Welles. Oh, no, you know what? But something even better.
Herman Kane. Oh, whoa.
Because he died. So did Orson, but Herman Kane is like, you know.
We should do all dead people.

Speaker 1 Right. But dead black politicians.
Yeah. Let's do dead black politicians.
Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. You will have to eat two meals.

Speaker 1 Why? Because Herman Kane likes to eat ramen a lot.

Speaker 2 No, just to prove it to the waiter that there's something.

Speaker 1 Did you hear his breakfast order? I think he's going to have no problem.

Speaker 1 All right, come on. Well, I'm just saying that was a lot of pain.
I didn't eat a lot yesterday. I'm not judging at all.
That was just a lot.

Speaker 1 I'm surprised you can consume that much because you're a small man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I had hunger pains. And I don't like it, but he just looked up hunger pains and it's indicative of something else.
What? Go ahead. They come from other stuff.
Hunger pang.

Speaker 1 Strong contractions in the stomach. Uncomfortable sensation.
These pains don't always indicate a true need to eat. Something else is going on.
What's going on?

Speaker 1 Well, juicy? Stomach cancer. Do Do you want to tell them?

Speaker 1 No, don't look there. Yeah, no, you're supposed to know.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, why you're getting these pangs is not because you're hungry, but because there's something going on in your life that you need to talk about.

Speaker 1 Interesting. What is it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, what is it?

Speaker 1 I'm confused. About what? Why is it £600 life, not £500 live, £700 life? There's £1,000 life now.
Is it really? Oh, yeah, she just got married. Congratulations.

Speaker 1 There's a new show called A Thousand Pound Life. A Thousand Pound Sisters.

Speaker 1 No, but that's not the show.

Speaker 1 There it is. What? A Thousand Pound Sisters.
Tammy and Amy. Tammy just got married, I think.
Right.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So they changed it.

Speaker 1 Or you and me, buddy.

Speaker 1 What? If that's not you and me, I don't know what is. That's us, dude.
That's 100% us. Yeah.
That's Thousand Pound Sisters. Oh, the one on the left made it.
She did.

Speaker 1 The one on the right didn't make it.

Speaker 1 I think they're both still around. No, but just in terms of losing the weight.
But that's not the goal of the show. What's the goal of the show? Just to be.
Oh, to be a thousand pounds. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see. Oh, yeah, they have to change the title sequence and the name of the show.
You got to keep it.

Speaker 1 If you go down to 450,

Speaker 1 who's Russie Sisters? Yeah, no. Yeah, yeah.
That's her boyfriend right there. Or it was for one episode.

Speaker 1 How does that work?

Speaker 1 I'm not being rude. How does that work? Well,

Speaker 1 I'll tell you this. Can you imagine how big that man's penis is?

Speaker 1 It's got to be not big, long.

Speaker 1 And it's got to be a bigger thing. It has a width, there's no way it got.
It's got to be able to snake around stuff. Right.
Like that game is. It's a snake in the canyon, like in a canyon.

Speaker 1 You're right. I get it.
I get what it is. He's got to wind it up

Speaker 1 and let it go. And then it has to find its way to get in there.

Speaker 1 I mean, tough, tough, tough. And usually he doesn't find it.
No. Yeah, yeah.
That's the whole part of the game. Most of the time, it runs into a dead end.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Like, it's one of those

Speaker 1 maze and the shining. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 Right. Right, the maze and the shining.
There's just a dead end, right? But when he gets through once a year, hooray, it's great. Victory.
It's victory.

Speaker 1 Yeah, these girls, one of them just got married. See which one got married?

Speaker 1 Oh, she had a baby. You look at her.
Amy. Amy had a baby? Amy had a baby.
But she looks great there. She does.
She lost a ton of weight. Oh, good, good.
It was all the baby.

Speaker 1 It was the baby. It was the baby.
It was just the baby. That's all it was.
The baby's like 700 pounds.

Speaker 1 Insane. That's insane.
That's cute. That's amazing.
That's cute. Good for them.
Yeah, but what I'm saying is that it's a thing.

Speaker 1 Because I was watching one this morning, and there was a girl that was like, which one were you watching? 600 pounds. That one's okay, yeah.
So there was a girl that was 550, 600.

Speaker 1 She met a guy in England. They were playing games.
Yeah. Yeah, man.
Yeah, it seems like time or whatever.

Speaker 1 Whatever they put.

Speaker 1 It's those video games where you have to make burgers. You have to put them on the grill and do the fries and then serve the people.

Speaker 1 That was so mean. So they're playing cake time.
Yeah, they're playing cake time

Speaker 1 online. You know what I mean? And in real life.
In real life, yeah. And he flies to fucking Texas or Arizona and he just marries her that week.
And now she's gained even more weight.

Speaker 1 After the marriage. After the marriage.

Speaker 1 And this guy's guy's just a regular-sized white man. He's a Joe Schmo.
Yeah, yeah. But he has to think that that's his thing.
That's got to be his thing. Now, are you saying the F-word? What?

Speaker 1 Fetish?

Speaker 1 Oh, I mean, come on. I don't know.
What do you think? What constitutes a fetish?

Speaker 1 A form of sexual desire in which gratification depends to an abnormal degree on some object or item of clothing or part of the body.

Speaker 1 So it's just an abnormal degree.

Speaker 1 Your desire, your sexual desire gratification depends. So

Speaker 1 your sexual

Speaker 1 gratification is purely dependent upon one thing, an object,

Speaker 1 object, item of clothing, or a part of a body. Yeah.
But you know what's fucked up?

Speaker 1 I've seen this a couple times on that show is now

Speaker 1 these

Speaker 1 people make money online because that's a fetish and people want to just see them eat cakes. Just eat food.
Yeah, yeah. And then I guess they jerk off.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 They jerk off to people eating cake. Yeah.
They find it sexual. Do you have a fetish? I don't think so.

Speaker 1 Because I'd be honest, if I've had something, I like

Speaker 1 long faces. Like horse face.
I just, every girl I've had has a long face. Yeah, horse face.
And the women I match with on usually have longer faces. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think mine was, you know what mine is? I like

Speaker 1 nibbling on

Speaker 1 earlobe. That's not a a thing, though.
Everyone likes that.

Speaker 1 I really like it. I like it too.
But I like biting hard. Okay, well, no.
I think I have a thing with ears. Maybe that's my thing.
I bite my dog's ear. Okay.
I nibble on her ear. But that's your thing.

Speaker 1 How about you, Jess? Yeah, it's not really sexual. It's just like I like, I just want to bite her little fucking ears.
I don't know if I have.

Speaker 2 I'm sure I do, but I can't think of anything.

Speaker 1 I think spit is weird. I know people that like

Speaker 1 spit stuff.

Speaker 2 I know things I don't like.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, there's a million things I don't like.
Pooh. Pooh stuff is insane.
Pee, poo, pee, spit. Pee, pee, pee.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You've been peeing on? No, but I see it and I think, that's neat. You know what? Can I be honest with you?

Speaker 1 When I do see them, you know what I mean? I'm pornhub. Yeah.
I do watch it. I me too.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And it's usually a guy peeing on a girl. No, I like the other way.
Oh, I don't.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. I would never do it because I'm a neat freak and a germaphobe, and I'm thinking immediately about my bed and my sheets, and I'm like, oh my God, the piss all over the place.

Speaker 1 Like, anytime somebody mentions squirting, and they're like so dope, and I'm like, I don't know,

Speaker 1 it sounds like such a cleanup job. Like, it sounds like such a nightmare.

Speaker 1 I'm just Christian, I think, when it comes to that. God bless, brother.

Speaker 1 You too. God bless.
I love you. We are Puritans today.
We are Puritans today. Look at us.
Yeah, yeah. I don't know weird thing.

Speaker 2 I love goodness.

Speaker 1 We are good Puritans. Grand Wizard Bob, we are good old-fashioned Puritans.
Yeah. And somebody a fan, can we make a Grand Wizard Bob sign for him to hang behind him? I love it.
I love it.

Speaker 2 I really like it when the guy's on top and I'm just laying there.

Speaker 1 Oh, you like no work? It's just the missionary.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just love a good missionary.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Old school.

Speaker 1 You know what's so funny? I like that, like, there's a new generation of people that there's this like sexual revolution. People are trying so much stuff now.

Speaker 1 You know, everybody instinctively still loves a missionary. Oh, yeah.
It's the go. It's the go-to.
Everybody loves it. It's the standard.
It's the go-to. It's the go-to.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what it's like? McDonald's breakfast. Exactly.
Do you think the person? You can't do it all the time, yeah, but when you do yeah, it's great, it feels right, it's fucking comfort food.

Speaker 1 It's comfort food. Yeah, yeah, missionary position is comfort food.

Speaker 2 What'd you say? Do you think the Puritans like only knew of missionary and like the first person who

Speaker 1 was something different

Speaker 1 to freak out? All right, right. Yeah, like 69ing, 100.
Cat paws and you know I mean like they were doing weird

Speaker 1 weird shit. 69ing was tame to them.
That was like lame to them.

Speaker 2 That was their missionary.

Speaker 1 Yeah, 69 was.

Speaker 1 That's the only thing you have to look forward to.

Speaker 1 Fucking. That's the only thing you can't watch Sports Center.
You can't, right? Well, there's nothing to do. There's nothing to do.
That's what, when you're plowing in the field, I can't wait to fuck.

Speaker 1 To plow. I can't wait to get home and plow.
And plow. Yeah, yeah.
That's the only thing. Imagine that.
Because there was nothing, like, think of how boring. Have you ever seen that when a kid

Speaker 1 has a stick and rolls a wheel down the street? Have you ever seen this? No. This was like from the fucking...

Speaker 2 Not when you were a kid?

Speaker 1 Wait, wait.

Speaker 1 Explain it to me. Don't Google it.
So a kid.

Speaker 1 Centuries ago,

Speaker 1 a game for little children was to take a stick and smack a wheel down the road. A wheel or a ball? A wheel.

Speaker 1 Why? And that's my point. I don't get it.

Speaker 1 Look at that, rolling an old-fashioned hoop.

Speaker 2 That was the.

Speaker 1 Walking on stilts, they would just fucking lift themselves off the ground and walk around town.

Speaker 1 Duck on the rock. You try to throw rocks at ducks.

Speaker 1 Whoa, poor ducks. That was their war zone.
Right?

Speaker 1 That was their war zone. Throw rope rings around a steak, which became horseshoes, essentially.
Oh, I see. But let me see rolling an old-fashioned hoop.
Please Google that.

Speaker 1 You've never heard of this, Juice? Have you ever seen this? I've seen it. It's a com I cannot believe that's a thing.
This is the 1800s. Kids would hoop rolling.

Speaker 1 Look, look. They would just roll.
Back, black, and white. Look at that.
This kid, this is how he's getting off. This is his fetish.

Speaker 1 He's rolling a hoop down the street, and that's fun for these dipshits.

Speaker 1 This is always creepy to me. Little girls.

Speaker 1 How are these little girls have babies on? They have babies that young. Oh, yeah.
You start really young. Oh, I didn't know.
Back then,

Speaker 1 you'd have a kid when you're five or six. Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 1 He's like, fuck. These are all grandparents.
Yeah. Those kids, those eight-year-olds are grandparents.
He's definitely gay.

Speaker 1 He doesn't stop to say hello.

Speaker 1 It says that in the title.

Speaker 1 Look at how fast he blows past these babes. Or that's how fun that is.
That's how much fun it is. Yeah, yeah.
I'd rather do this than look at this.

Speaker 1 Pussy doesn't matter to this kid look at that look at that go back a little bit

Speaker 1 they go hi johnny yeah johnny go oh here comes johnny let's show him our babies hey johnny look

Speaker 1 our babies fuck you bitches i'm hooping do you think he goes like does grown adults back then do that

Speaker 1 i hope not i know i think some did you think some did i think i would do i would be doing that

Speaker 1 because i play games i'm just gonna say that video games some adults do the ones that are

Speaker 1 crazy. Little

Speaker 1 immature.

Speaker 1 It doesn't look like adults really did. It's like video games today.
By the way, look at those kids. How is that a nine-year-old, 80-year-old?

Speaker 1 How is that a kid who's also got a retirement account? Yeah. Oh, my God.
Look at it.

Speaker 2 The kids did look older.

Speaker 1 They looked so old. Well, because they were working.
He works at the factory. That's in-between shifts.
Yeah, true. Yeah, he got soot on his face.
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Quip!

Speaker 1 You know I've had rotten mouth. You got rotten mouth disease.
I've had rotten mouth all my life. You got RMD? Because as a kid, my mom would get me the, like, the 15-pack of toothbrushes.
Yeah. Right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And, like, you know, horse hair.
They just have to be a little bit of a break. Horse hair, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, years ago, I discovered Quip. You know what I mean? Because I have another podcast that they sponsored.
Yep. And my teeth has been sleeky clean.
Give them the chopper. Smile for.

Speaker 1 Yeah, look at that.

Speaker 1 Okay, so Andrew and

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Speaker 1 We know some guys that get so much vague is that condescending to say it that way?

Speaker 1 No. No.
They hook up a lot. Yeah, they get laid a lot.
They get laid a lot. That's a nice way, yeah.
And, you know, you look at like Bowie,

Speaker 1 Mick Jagger, Lou Reed. There was a photo of them in the early 70s, and they're kind of kissing at a dinner table.
I've seen that, yeah. Right, you've seen that, right?

Speaker 1 And I think one of them said, you know, we get so many

Speaker 1 girls that, you know what I mean? We're like, what excites us? So we kiss

Speaker 1 other stars. So what are you trying to say? That you think that you and I can start kissing our famous friends? No, no, no.
What I'm saying is I don't get enough to, I'm still stuck on. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 I haven't evolved. No, but you can be the other side of the coin, right? Like, that could be just our super rich friends that are running out of, they're getting too much puss.

Speaker 1 Then they'll start wanting to kiss us. Yeah, but I'm the guy in back of them.
Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, yeah. Watching? Yeah, watching.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm not doing that. You know, I'm Mick Jagger in this.
Who am I? You're definitely a little reed. Oh, no, but look at Mick's getting into involved.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow. Now, do you honestly think that this was a symptom of the times as well? Like, this was like, it was cool.
It was sexual freedom. It was 1973.
Like, there was a lot of drug use.

Speaker 1 They were partying. Like, it's almost like this is how I feel.
Like, sometimes these guys got caught up in shit and they had no idea they were doing it. They were just laced up with it.

Speaker 1 Well, there was no social media. So you took a photo.
Where are they going to put it?

Speaker 2 You guys also have a lot of photos of you guys kissing each other and being naked.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's that. Yeah, that's the same thing.
I think that's that. Wait, no, no, no.
They ran it. They got so much puss.
We do it because we love it. That's true.
So we're actually gay. We're gay.

Speaker 1 We're gay. We're gay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They love.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're forced to do that.

Speaker 1 When you and I die, they're going to show only photos at our funeral of us kissing and nude toys. Oh, my God.
We got to stop doing that now. No, we got to keep going.

Speaker 1 At this point,

Speaker 1 why not? It's not like there was one. Yeah.
There's a thousand photos of you and I on each other naked. There's a sec, we have a full-on sex toy photo shoot.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, Juicy, out of the three, which one would you hook up with first?

Speaker 1 Nick Jagger, Lou Reed, and David Bowie.

Speaker 2 David Bowie.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. Of course.
It's funny because, and it's not that he's the most attractive,

Speaker 1 but he's the most wild and cool.

Speaker 2 That's how the guy feels on Thousand Pound Wife or whatever.

Speaker 1 What? What?

Speaker 2 Thousand Pound Lady. What's that show you watch?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 600 Pound Life.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's how cool she is.

Speaker 2 She's bowie to that guy.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's not about her looks. Right.
She's bowie. She's bowly.

Speaker 1 Or it's fetish. Or it's a fetish.
She's bowy. Bowie.

Speaker 1 Bowly. She's bowly to that.

Speaker 1 That's a little bit of Bolly going on. I guess that's true.
By the way, 600 Pound Life, the one where it's the Doctor. Dr.
No. Dr.
No is so funny.

Speaker 1 Did you ever see? I made him do a cameo for me to promote my tour dates. I did it years ago, a couple years ago.
I think we showed it on here. But he's like, go see Andre Santino.
How'd you meet him?

Speaker 1 I get cameo. I paid for a cameo online.
Oh, yeah. You just bought it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I love him.
He's so mean. Put up a picture of that cat.
I love this guy. He's so mean to them.

Speaker 1 They'll be like, I'm really trying. He's like, you're not trying hard enough.
You're too pet. You're so pet.
Yeah, yeah. He's so judged.
He's Iranian. I know.
You can tell. I love it.

Speaker 1 He's irate, an irate Iranian. Yeah.
There he is. Look at the one right next to it to the right.
Look at that face. That's the one he usually makes.

Speaker 1 You need to stop eating bad food. So he must be the best in town.
I think with gastric bypass. I also think it's he's it's a character.
He looks like that. He looks like somebody drew him.

Speaker 1 He looks like a drawing came to life. So I think they just like his personality.
Do you think it was a casting thing? It looks like it to me. Oh, right.

Speaker 1 You think there's not, I mean, there's millions of doctors that do that. But so he's not the best to do it.
I highly doubt it.

Speaker 1 I think he's just probably, the best that do it are like, that's like the Illuminati shit. You know, like whoever like Will Smith goes to to get any kind of surgery done.
Right.

Speaker 1 Those people you'll never know, they don't exist. Right.
They get paid in fucking direct deposits. Exactly.
Wouldn't that that be that's what rich guys? You want to talk about rich stuff?

Speaker 1 Guys that have their own doctors that they don't have to have a practice. Yeah, that's wild shit.
Where the doctors just like only go to rich people's homes, they don't even have an office.

Speaker 1 They don't even have like proper uh doctoral shit. Like, they don't, they don't have to do anything doctorly.
They have a layer, they have a layer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, Michael Jackson had one and he killed him. He did, and you can, and you can now sign up to be one of his clients.

Speaker 1 What was that drug that he gave him?

Speaker 1 Fuck, I know it too, on the tip of my tongue. It was.

Speaker 1 I think it was with a D. Either it starts with a D or an F.
Propofol. Propofol.
P. Yep.

Speaker 1 Propofol.

Speaker 1 Propofol. Have you ever had propofol?

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm still here. And

Speaker 1 well, don't you? I want to see what that feels like.

Speaker 1 What does it do to you? Propofol.

Speaker 1 It's a painkiller.

Speaker 1 It turns the skin white.

Speaker 1 Let's see, it says right there. Propofol is a,

Speaker 1 it can cause. Wait, what? It's a sedative.
It's a sedative to help you relax during surgery or whatever. But if he was asking only for that, that must be the best one.
Look at that.

Speaker 1 That medicine has been used recently to sedate coronavirus.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Patients who need medical ventilation and the intensive. So if you're on a ventilator nice to you, they give you propofol to chill out

Speaker 1 to fight. Before you die, yeah.
Oh, that's that's a good night. Long kiss goodnight.
I wonder, yeah. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Imagine having millions of dollars like Michael.
And you can just, he's a B. He was a B.
What's he doing?

Speaker 1 And then you can just get any doctor to write you any subscription prescription. This is

Speaker 2 you don't even have to. What if you still had to go to Walgreens to get your prescription?

Speaker 1 Waiting that line.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Hey, I think I have a prescription here.

Speaker 2 Last name?

Speaker 1 Jackson.

Speaker 1 What if they go, can I see your ID? Yeah. And then they're like, he's like, I got one for Latoya.
I have one for.

Speaker 1 He goes through all of them. There's no Michael in there.
Do you think Michael Jackson ever had to fucking show his ID for anything? No, don't you know the story we've talked about on the show?

Speaker 1 He had to rent out a grocery store to know what it was like to shop in a grocery store. I'm just saying, if he gets pulled over by a cop, though, do you think he has to? Never driven a car.

Speaker 1 He never drove a car in his life. He never.

Speaker 1 Look at that. What is that?

Speaker 1 What is that? Motown ID card for the record label? Yeah, it could be like a.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, it's when you go into the photo. Compare the two.
That photo, and now look at that. Yeah, that.

Speaker 1 Same guy. They're like, this isn't.

Speaker 1 But now, let me ask you a real question. Yeah.
And I'm not making fun. I actually am not.
I'm asking a legitimate question to the room. Do you think

Speaker 1 I'm not?

Speaker 1 I just. Don't do it.
You're doing it. No, I'm not.
Yeah, you are. I was going to say.
Do you think what? Do you think that he was, this was trans before trans?

Speaker 1 That he was kind of one of the first, like.

Speaker 1 No, no. I mean,

Speaker 1 no, I'm being, I'm not being. What, so he's transitioning into a ghost

Speaker 1 trans

Speaker 1 he's the first trans white he for the first trans white

Speaker 1 This is true he is identifying as a white person. No, he's white he was I don't think he was going for white.
What the fuck are you talking about? He's going for something else beyond

Speaker 1 you know you go to bed bath and beyond it beyond the apartment beyond the pale

Speaker 1 beyond the pale. What do you mean? Wow.
Do you not know what beyond the pale? I saw saw Triangle of Sadness. You did?

Speaker 1 So fucking. I brought my brother.
Did you cry? Not did I cry. We cried.
We cried laughing. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Listen, my brother only likes pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. You know what I mean? Those kind of movies.

Speaker 1 You know, with the fucking... What is pew-pew pew-pew? You know, with the dick in the mouth.
Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you. Pew, pew, pew, pew, he loves those movies, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And the

Speaker 1 you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 In the butthole, right?

Speaker 1 So, anyway,

Speaker 1 he loves those movies, right? So, we were sitting in this art house movie.

Speaker 1 The one in the Sunset right by the store. The Lemon Leaf.
Sunset 5. AMC 5.
Lemon Leave, whatever it is. They call it AMC now.
Gross. Why? I just miss when it was mom and pop.

Speaker 1 I know, but still, it's like this little artistic theater. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And when you're watching a movie like a Cannes, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Palm Dior Award movie, they show all these like the trailers are not Marvel, it's the same kind of movie, correct, right?

Speaker 1 So, when my we were watching this fucking and the trailers, and my brother was like already going, Let's get the fuck out of here, man.

Speaker 1 Because it was like aristocrats, and you know what I mean? People drinking tea, it's like the entire A24 slate, yeah, he didn't like it.

Speaker 1 It's the Boston Tea Party, but once that movie started, I mean, just 10 minutes in, my brother was just we were laughing, incredible, it's so incredible. Have you seen it?

Speaker 2 No, but I just did your brother's podcast.

Speaker 1 That's what I just did it, and I, and I, I just,

Speaker 2 he wanted me to ask you about a story.

Speaker 1 Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Since it came up kind of naturally.

Speaker 2 He said to ask you about a guy named Derek Oliver.

Speaker 1 What about Derek Oliver, Bob? I don't know. He said to ask him about it.

Speaker 1 I think we've talked about him. We have.

Speaker 1 Well, I haven't heard it. Well, she needs a response at some point.
Yeah, I'm going to give her one. No, no, no, I mean...
I'll I'll give her one now. Okay.
You want one response? Yeah.

Speaker 1 How dare you?

Speaker 1 I don't know what it is. Let me talk.
Let me talk. All right.

Speaker 1 I bring you into this fucking family. All right.
He did. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me talk. You don't interrupt.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I look at the

Speaker 1 sea of, you know what I mean, people at your level.

Speaker 1 And I go, which one? Which one? Which one? Which one can I help? Meeny, meeny, mine, me, menye. Right.
Create a gigantic career.

Speaker 1 You know? I'm talking about millions, baby. The M's.
Yeah. The lights.
You know what I mean? Camera.

Speaker 1 Action. Action.
Star. Right?

Speaker 1 And I go, you know, this one.

Speaker 1 I have to come.

Speaker 1 I have to get people's approval.

Speaker 1 I have to fight for it. You did, huh? A couple of times, you couldn't make it.
Right. Right.
I still stuck by your side. You did.
Right?

Speaker 1 I bring you in. You kill it.
You make me look good. Smash.

Speaker 1 And then the machine's starting, right? And I tell everyone, my agents, my managers, people, everyone I see, that she's the next one. She's up.
She's a star, right? Then you come into my fucking home,

Speaker 1 right? And you bring up Derek Oliver. I don't know who he is.
Shut the fuck up, Juicy. All right.
Stop fucking around. All right.

Speaker 1 What did I do to you? Everybody.

Speaker 1 I know, but then why do you treat me like this? I don't know who he is. Why do you treat me like this, man? I'm guessing not a friend.

Speaker 1 Give her a synopsis. He beat the shit out of me.

Speaker 1 He humiliated himself in front of 300 kids at my school. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it was the most embarrassing day of my life. No, they were not friends.
Yeah, yeah. So, eminence.

Speaker 2 He beat you up? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 In school? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I bullied him.

Speaker 1 That's what you were asking for.

Speaker 1 He would eat ice cream. I would stick it in his face, right?

Speaker 1 He would be walking with his books. I'd fucking poke his books.
Yeah, fuck you. You know what I mean? Nerd.
Right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So one day, I don't know, his dad or his uncle or somebody told him, confront him. So Derek Oliver goes, hey, man, meet me at the field by your house.
You know what the feel I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 Everyone's coming. Right? And I go, yeah, you little bitch.
Let's do this.

Speaker 1 Last round. And then I got knocked out

Speaker 1 in front of everyone.

Speaker 1 And then from then on, ice cream in my face.

Speaker 1 Books fucking falling from my arm.

Speaker 2 Was Steve there? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. He was ruining mine.

Speaker 1 He was in Derek's corner.

Speaker 1 He was his corner man. He was throwing his chest.
At first, he was on mine, but then my brother kind of just went to the other side.

Speaker 1 He'll just go to the team. Yeah, so anyway, it was the most humiliating, shameful day of my life.
And I regret me treating that guy like that. I learned a valuable lesson.
I'm not a bully.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm a victim. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, no.
Yes.

Speaker 1 I'm a victim. We've We've all had these moments.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
So thanks for doing that. Those embarrassing moments, though, man, do they shape you as a person in a good way? They do.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know if I told you this, but it reminded me that I wrote a love note to a girl one time.

Speaker 1 This was so embarrassing. In college, my freshman year, a girl who I crushed on super hard, I slid it under her dorm door freshman year.

Speaker 1 I came home one day

Speaker 1 to her reading the note.

Speaker 1 Or I came back to the dorm. I I saw her reading the note with like two other guys from the dorm and three other girls, and they were dying laughing.
Oh my god!

Speaker 1 I wish I was there. Oh my god, I wish I was there.
I genuinely contemplated. Did you cry? No, no, no.

Speaker 1 I went right back outside and I looked at the main road. It was a four-laner, and I thought, I got to jump in front of a car.

Speaker 1 I was going to jump clean in front of a car.

Speaker 1 I was like, How, if I get hit, do I die right away or does it drag on? Yeah. Because I was, dude, dude, I was.
That fucked me up. But where is she now?

Speaker 1 I'd love to know. It's Megan Markle.
She married. Oh, I see.
Oh, my God. She went up.
She went up. She went up.
She went up. No, where is she now? Who the fuck knows? Man, that fucked.

Speaker 1 You have one of those where it fucked you up?

Speaker 2 I did. So when I was in junior high, I had my first crush and we had instant messaging at this, like an AOL instant messaging just came in.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was like brand new. And I was messaging him.
And it's funny now, I can't even think of his name, but I was so obsessed with him.

Speaker 2 But I was messaging him, and I like copied his name and pasted it and would write his responses, like trying to be funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But it just like freaked him out, and then he wouldn't talk to me ever again. He's like, I think there's a glitch in my computer.

Speaker 2 He got really scared.

Speaker 1 He didn't get that. That was your version of flirting.

Speaker 2 It was like modern-day witchcraft to him, I think.

Speaker 1 Like, how did you court Kalila?

Speaker 1 Like, what was your, how, what was your scheme on getting her to be interested in you?

Speaker 1 Time. Right.
To wait it out. You were just.

Speaker 1 There was two other guys. Pursuers.
Yeah. Right? And I go, and they were like, you know, different than me, like rugby players, athletes.
Guys, guys. Men.

Speaker 1 Men. Men.
With hair. Just men.
All over their bodies, yeah. Muscles.
And so she had two. So like one was a professional soccer player.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 In Spain. Ronaldo.
Something like that. Right.
And then another one was a Australian rugby player. Jesus, I would like to fuck either of these.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, look, I'm looking at them going,

Speaker 1 well, they live in different countries, so that helped.

Speaker 1 That always helps. You know what I mean? Yeah, distance helps.
Distance helps, right? Proximity is helpful. So I have time.

Speaker 1 And then what I did was I, you know,

Speaker 1 I love bomb.

Speaker 1 You love bomb. I love bomb.
Now, this is controversial. Do you know what love bombing is?

Speaker 1 It's like love bombing is when you like, you're like obsessively, you know, you're attempting to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection.

Speaker 1 So you're like, right away, you're like, you say stuff like,

Speaker 1 I love you. You know, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.
You know, I'll do anything for you. Give them gifts.
This and this, this, this.

Speaker 1 But a lot of the guys, when they love bomb, and once they have sex, they leave.

Speaker 1 That's why it's fucked up. Well, psychologists have identified love bombing as a possible part of a cycle of abuse and have warned against it very highly.
Right. But what are they fucking doing?

Speaker 1 What do they know? But also, can I just defend myself here, though?

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 Pussy ass psychologists. But what I'm doing now is I'm not doing the, I'm doing the polar opposite.
Right, you're hate bombing. I'm hate bombing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm hate bombing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, fucking dude. Come on, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hate you. And it seems to work better.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's challenging.
Don't show up. Yeah, yeah.
Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Don't go to my no, what I'm doing. I've been doing is like being mindful of what I say.
Yes. Right.
And not promise things. You can't.

Speaker 1 And not see them every single day, maybe once a week, you know what I mean? And just get to know each other. Yeah, have a balance.
Yeah. Have a balance.
Have a balance. That's healthy.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm trying to do it because I just don't want to repeat the same kind of things where it's like.

Speaker 1 Dude, that's, I mean, that's honestly, I'm no joke, all jokes aside, that's huge growth, especially for you learning about what you like and you don't like at this point in your life relationship-wise.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Huge growth to be like, well, I'm not going down those fucking roads anymore.
Yeah, it's hard. Because you've already done it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I will say, when you and I talk privately off the show about dating stuff, it seems like you're finding your way

Speaker 1 into what's comfortable for you. Yeah, I think my self-esteem is better.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. It is.
It's much better. I know.
Right? So it's like,

Speaker 1 that helps. Because you feel really good about yourself.
I feel good about myself, yeah. And I feel where I'm at.
And it's like, there's a confidence that I have. Do you feel good about yourself?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's awesome. That's awesome.
That is fucking awesome. You know what I feel like as a white, good-looking white

Speaker 1 sorority. What's the other one? Fraternity guy.
That's how you feel. Yeah.
You feel like a frat guy? I I feel like a white frat guy with fucking six pads. You don't have to say white frat guy.

Speaker 1 It's redundant. Just say frat guy.
Oh, yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 There's like three black frats.

Speaker 1 There are. They're black frats.
Yeah. Don't you see them? You know, they do stomps and stuff.
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's fucking tight.
Are there Asian frats?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's called, it's like every Ivy League school. It's just a frat.
Oh, that's right. So, but I feel like the popular good-looking dude on campus.
What are the Asian fraternities?

Speaker 1 Can you still rush even though you're 51? Do you think? Oh, let's see.

Speaker 1 All right. Right.
Pi Delta Psi, Lambda Phi, Epsilon, Alpha Kappa, Delta Phi. Too many words.
You can only have three. Cinki Chinki Choo.

Speaker 1 What school is Chinki Chiki Chu?

Speaker 1 Where is that?

Speaker 1 What school is Chinki Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chu? What university is that at? Yeah, Cinki Chiki Chu.

Speaker 1 UCLA. UCLA.
Yes, it is. That's it, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Asians, they have a different style of hazing.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like snorollo the swasabi.

Speaker 1 This is sad.

Speaker 1 You have to chug

Speaker 1 ramen juice. No noodles.
You just have to drink the juice. Yeah.
What is it? Lambda Phi Epsilon International Fraternity. That's the biggest Asian.

Speaker 1 Okay, it says world's largest Asian interest fraternity, founded in 1981, right after the Boston Tea Party at Los Angeles, California. International Fraternity, Guideman and Lifelong Discovery.

Speaker 1 Hey, let's reach out to Lambda Phi Epsilon and see if they can make you an honorary member. I would love to.
So anybody that's a Lambda. I've always wanted to be an affraternity.

Speaker 1 Anybody that's a Lambda fraternity. It's a dry fraternity.
It's dry. So that's great.
You're so sorry. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 That is great. Yeah.
That's awesome. That's awesome.
Okay, cool. Yeah.
So let's. What do they do? They have games?

Speaker 1 What is it? They're known for providing outstanding leadership, philanthropy, and advocacy in the community. Huh.

Speaker 1 That sounds pretty fucking amazing. Yeah.
It's not fun at all.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. You know, it's a dry fraternity.
So no drinking, no drugs. Is there more of a druggie one? Yeah, where's the druggie one? Well, we can't send him to the drug one.
Why not?

Speaker 1 Well, it's for the show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't have to partake. No, he just wants to be around me.
Yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah.
I mean, he's still around us, and we're toxic. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You want to be around one, you know, where they're smoking opium.

Speaker 1 Asian fat, Asian frat, not

Speaker 1 die. No, that's not going to get it done.

Speaker 2 Party

Speaker 1 party fraternity.

Speaker 1 Best Asian

Speaker 1 party fraternity. Best Asian party fraternity.
I don't know. What a kid search.

Speaker 2 No one's searching this.

Speaker 1 All right. Asian fraternity.
Asian masculinity on Reddit. Oh, Asian masculinity.
Well, we should sway away from that one. Duke University frat holds racist Asian-themed party.
Let's go there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's

Speaker 1 me. Yeah.
But that wouldn't, I wouldn't, they would, I'm going to be the victim. Yes.
You got to fight. You got to fight.
Oh, that's right. You got to fight.
I have to challenge myself. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When I walk in the frat house, I'm going to go, hurrah! Harrah! Yeah, they'll do it in unison. What? They'll do it in unison.
Will you come with me? Oh, yeah. I'll be one of the guys in the frat.
No.

Speaker 1 You want me to work with you? I want you the eyeliner.

Speaker 1 Yellows. Pretend to be Asian.

Speaker 1 They'll sniff me right out. See her.
Hero. Yes.

Speaker 1 Perfect. They'll sniff me right out.
They'll sniff me. Maybe you could be my assistant.
Goes.

Speaker 1 Haro. Perfect.

Speaker 1 I don't like any nervous.

Speaker 1 I don't like any Asian.

Speaker 1 She gets nervous anytime we do that. You're more Asian.
You're allowed to with him. If he says it, you're allowed to.
Yeah. I beg of you.
She's going to get Asian. Because you brought up a Darwin.

Speaker 1 If she gets canceled because of that.

Speaker 1 What? Because she says Hero?

Speaker 2 I wouldn't get canceled now. It'll happen like 20 years from now.

Speaker 1 That's right. 20 years from now.
Oh, that's always... Do you really think of stuff like that?

Speaker 2 Sometimes. It happens all the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but on our podcast, one of our best friends is Asian. We're joking with him.
I think it's okay. No, but it's interesting.
When you said the N-word when we started the show, that's not okay.

Speaker 1 Well, I love that. Yeah, but that's

Speaker 1 you cut that part out. Yeah,

Speaker 1 because she's thinking because of what Shane Gillis went through. Yeah.
Right? She's now thinking forward. Shane Gillis didn't have an Asian guy on the show with him.
I understand. A little different.

Speaker 1 It is a little different, but it's just interesting that that's something that you have to think of.

Speaker 1 You and I don't. Yeah, but why don't we?

Speaker 1 Think of this, though. Yeah.
We do it. Right? Yeah, he does it.
And we're fine.

Speaker 1 No, that's not the right comparison. That's not.

Speaker 1 We're also older and of a different generation. And she's part of a more young, progressive.

Speaker 1 They have to be more conscious at her level. They're so much more judgmental of each other.
Our peers know that it's all love and we're kidding.

Speaker 1 Her peers are fucking probably being like, I heard what you said on that podcast, and that's not cool.

Speaker 2 Not to my face, but yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, behind your back. Really? Of course, Bob.
This is their dear. This is a young generation.

Speaker 1 They're trying to be woke and progressive and be conscious of what comes out of their mouth. We're old idiots.

Speaker 2 If I say hero, they'll say goodbye.

Speaker 1 That's great. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Could I possibly plug one show I'm headlining?

Speaker 1 Yeah, go do it. Go.

Speaker 2 Okay. I'm headlining the San Jose Improv on January 18th, and I would love to see some of you guys out there.

Speaker 1 Go out there. January 18th, San Jose Improv, and go watch the juice, please.