Rudy's 21st Birthday feat. Matt Braunger

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who You are these two idiots.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 3 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 One, two, three.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 They sing a different one.

Speaker 1 From the jungles up in the quinoa, we eat the duck egg.

Speaker 1 We love duck eggs.

Speaker 1 a duck egg. We don't wash our feet.
We don't wash the feet. We don't wash the feet.
We like duck eggs. We crime the tree.
We crime the tree and get the platinum.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we do.

Speaker 1 We don't have paved roads. Hey, we don't.
Hey, paved roads. Hey, how do we get anywhere by boat? How do we get anywhere? Boat and donkey.

Speaker 1 Is that happy?

Speaker 1 Happy birthday. That's your birthday, sir.
That's our birthday. Do you want us to do it again? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday to the Rudy Jules 21st birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now you can go to any nightclub that you want. You can drink all the alcohol that you want.
Strip clubs.

Speaker 1 Strip clubs. You can stay out as late as you want.
Are there strip clubs in the Philippines?

Speaker 4 Yeah, but it's.

Speaker 1 Oh, did you hear that? I heard that cough in the mic.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Dude, that's like COVID and monkeypox together. It's like a combo.
Bird flu. It's got all of it.
Yeah, it's got everything. Samars, bird flu,

Speaker 1 mad cow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's got all that sitting there. Rudy, introduce

Speaker 1 our other esteemed guest on the show today.

Speaker 4 This is my younger sister, Isabella.

Speaker 1 Hello. She also showed up sick.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
They're both. What is she sick? She got off the plane sick.
Cool, cool. That's cool.

Speaker 1 International sickness. That's always good.
That's how it's done.

Speaker 1 Izzy, on the plane,

Speaker 1 were you sick on the plane or when you... I only had a sore throat.
Yeah, that's how it begins. Yeah, it starts there.
And then what happened?

Speaker 3 And then, like, a few hours after I got off the plane, I got um,

Speaker 3 I got a cold.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see, I see. And then, how long you've been in America so far? Like a week.
Yeah, yeah, and you still have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right on.
Right on. That's always good.
That's good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She's like, it was just a cold. Then I was vomiting and my temperature was 126.
I blacked out for two days, but great to be here. My mucus had blood in it, right?

Speaker 1 And a part of chunks of my lung inside the mucus.

Speaker 1 How old are you? How old is she? I'm 14. So we've seen pictures of you on the internet when you met with Fancy

Speaker 1 on the boat. That's racist.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I just see them, I think, boats.
I understand that. What kind of boat?

Speaker 1 What kind of boat, though?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know.
Is it an engine? No. No, they're not.
No, these are their engines.

Speaker 1 It's good to see you. It's good to meet you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big fans fans over here.
We're big fans of you. Do you know that? 14 years old?

Speaker 1 Holy shit, is this show okay? It's okay. Yeah, yeah, for her to hear this stuff.
Well, yeah, so it's funny because when I went to the Philippines five or six weeks ago, I hung out with Izzy a lot.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I literally realized that she's more grown up than Jules.
She also has more to say, right? And she has points of views and opinions. And I realized that Jules is not a great older sister.

Speaker 1 In fact, I think that she's a little younger.

Speaker 5 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 There it is. That's it.
That doesn't prove anything.

Speaker 1 That's handicapped. Yeah.
What? That's mentally disabled. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 By the way, you're going through your gift. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We haven't even done that yet.

Speaker 5 I want to open it.

Speaker 1 Fine, do it then. Jesus Christ, what'd you get? Okay, let me read the letter first.
Please. Did I sign it? I don't remember signing it.
You did not sign the card. We all got a card.
From

Speaker 4 Andres, Pete, and Tito Andrew.

Speaker 4 From Pete, happy 21st birthday.

Speaker 1 Stop.

Speaker 1 Don't mind. Stop, stop for a second.

Speaker 1 You You didn't put my name in there?

Speaker 1 I forgot. I didn't forget.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You forgot my birthday. And you didn't.

Speaker 1 Did you get any of the gifts? What's in the bag? Okay. What's in the bag? Can I say this? No.
What's in the bag?

Speaker 1 Cantaloupes.

Speaker 1 All right, so you didn't. I'm sorry, you did part of this.
I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I bought it.

Speaker 1 Can I just say something? Please. What did I get you for your gift?

Speaker 4 Issa and my mom.

Speaker 1 I flew your mom and your fucking sister.

Speaker 5 But it doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 Come back to America.

Speaker 4 It doesn't matter. On my birthday, you didn't greet me at all.

Speaker 1 Where was I?

Speaker 4 Nowhere to be found.

Speaker 1 Literally, where was I on your birthday? To be honest.

Speaker 5 I don't know.

Speaker 1 You knew where I was. I don't know.
Where was I? Where was I there? Not there.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I was somewhere. You weren't there.

Speaker 1 I wasn't doing a movie?

Speaker 1 I don't know. What day was that? What day was that?

Speaker 5 Wednesday.

Speaker 1 How do you not know her birthday? I was out of town. You were here.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but you came home early.

Speaker 5 Yep.

Speaker 1 Yep. You sent me this video.
You were here. You were in town.
Oh, yeah, we had to do the pod. That's right.
That's right. We had to do the pod.
No, no, no. But after the pod, you were free.

Speaker 1 I went home.

Speaker 1 I went back.

Speaker 1 During that thing was the pod. You made me come here.
That was your fucking fault. Right? I was like, no, family's coming.
You went, no, no, no, we got to do it. Is that what you said? No.
No.

Speaker 1 I like, but please, go ahead. I got your family out there.
That's a lot of money. So don't give me bullshit.
Don't make it about money. Don't make it about money.
What do I make it about?

Speaker 1 It's about my intentions about it.

Speaker 1 She's rich without you. My love, not really.

Speaker 1 Not really, dude. Not really.
Go ahead. Read the fucking thing.
Read the card.

Speaker 4 From Pete, happy 21st birthday. Don't black out and have your mom show up like I did on my 21st.

Speaker 1 That's cute. I don't even know what that means.
He means he blacked out so much he had his mom come pick him up. Oh, oh, you got drunk? I did.
It was embarrassing. She didn't drink at all.

Speaker 1 Well, tell the story. If it's embarrassing, I'd like to hear it.

Speaker 6 Well, I was, you know, I was thrown up. I was blacked out.
And then my brother called my mom, and she showed up, and she was all hysterical.

Speaker 1 Where were you?

Speaker 6 I was at a friend's house, and then I was just belligerent, and it was really embarrassing.

Speaker 1 Oh, we should really write that into a script. That's exciting.
I mean, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 Directed by Martin Scorsese, right?

Speaker 1 And then the credits come down after his mouth.

Speaker 1 I got drunk, and then my mom picked me up. Yeah.
Fade to black. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, this is the worst fucking movie I think I've ever seen.
Shyla Buff as Pete. Whatever.
Who's going to play you?

Speaker 1 That's great. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 That's a compliment. Let me see who would play you.
No, it's Charlotte Boff. I like that.
Fat Jonah Hill.

Speaker 1 All right. I'll take that.
We got to pump him up again. Yeah, we got to pump him up again.

Speaker 1 Pete, good story. I love you to death.

Speaker 1 Shout out to Pete. Thank you for being here because we miss Pete when he's gone.
Fancy B, what did you do for your 21st? Doesn't matter you can drink at 18 in Spain. Right.
Doesn't even matter.

Speaker 1 What do you do at 18? Did you have an 18th birthday?

Speaker 1 Everybody forgot about my 18th birthday, so I was already

Speaker 1 applying. Oh, it is? It's applying.
He's baiting me. It's baiting it.
You're a liar. He lies.
What's your problem? Who the fuck is going to forget your 18th birthday?

Speaker 1 Well, you, for example, will forget any birthdays.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's an attack. I love it.
Wow. Yeah, yeah.
Wow. Okay, yeah, yeah, that's right.
You know why? I treat everyone every day like it's their birthday. That's true.
All right.

Speaker 1 I don't take days and go, you know, this is the day I'm going to give gifts to this person and then never talk to them for the rest of the year. Not me.

Speaker 1 I fucking say hi, I hug, I give gifts, and I give you the attention as if every day is Christmas birthday, Hanukkah, Kansura. What's Kansura? What's the black one with the in the Christmas?

Speaker 1 Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa.
Kwanzaa. What did I say? Kwanzura? Kwanseira.
Yeah. It's like a Diet Coke spin-off.

Speaker 1 Kwanzira.

Speaker 1 Drink Konsira. Yeah.
Anyway,

Speaker 1 you are a good boy. Thank you.
And stop attacking him. Stop attacking me.
Go ahead.

Speaker 4 From Andres, Jules, don't follow Tito Bobby's footsteps and you'll be fine. Happy birthday.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? That's interesting to me.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? The footsteps of success? You guys have the same side of the glory? Yeah. You don't want the glory.

Speaker 1 You don't want to go the glory road.

Speaker 5 I didn't say that. Glory road.
Andreas said that.

Speaker 1 Glory road. Gold fucking pathway.
Like in the fucking Wizard of Oz. What is that?

Speaker 1 Follow the yellow brick road.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Golden brick road with you.
Yeah, and follow the yellow man on the yellow brick marble.

Speaker 1 Yellow man. Yeah, yeah.
Follow anything yellow.

Speaker 1 This wall is long. Well, it's the wall of China, so it's very long.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else is in there?

Speaker 4 And then Tito Andrew.

Speaker 1 What'd I say?

Speaker 5 Dirty.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 Booksy? Booty. Dirty Booty Rudy.
Dirty Booty Rudy. Which I thought today is a great nickname, and I'm going to keep saying it now.
Dirty Booty Rudy. There she goes.
Dirty Booty Rudy.

Speaker 4 Love you, Jules. Happy 21st.

Speaker 1 Very nice and very simple. Didn't have to take shots at you.
I just said happy birthday. These guys both took shots.
I understand that. Do you see what I mean?

Speaker 1 These guys took shots at you.

Speaker 1 Did I? You're one of my best friends. Love you.
That's why there's trust involved. Love you.
And there's a connection that you can't fucking ever sever. And these guys? Pieces of shit.
Pieces of shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, these guys are right here. Dude, this is like if they were in our, if we were in war, right? You and I front lines.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Andreas, you hit the wall, right? And we turn around. He's, you can see his back.
He's running.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's running. Yeah.
In Forest Gomp. Yeah.
Right? If I was, who's that guy?

Speaker 1 Bubba. Bubba.
Bubba. If I was Bubba, Bubba, if, and they were with him, Bubba would be left out there with no legs.
That's right. I'm dead.

Speaker 1 Okay? That's what you are, dude.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 How old is 14?

Speaker 1 How many years of school are you in? You know what Forrest did? Forrest took his idea.

Speaker 1 I'm engaged.

Speaker 1 Let the Forrest Gump thing go.

Speaker 1 I'm so passionate.

Speaker 1 I'm so passionate. No, let me just get this idea.

Speaker 1 One second, Carl.

Speaker 1 Let me get this Forrest Gump thing go. All right, because

Speaker 1 it got me really emotional about it. Are we still at war? No, we're not at war anymore.
No, okay. It's just a fucking idea that I thought that I had.
Go, go.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying that, like, you know, Forrest Gump, right? He took Bubba Gum's idea about the shrimp and shit. Yeah.
Made money off it, and then sent fucking the money to his dad mom. Mom.

Speaker 1 They would have stole the idea. Yep.
Right? Yep. Never given credit to fucking the guy.
Nope. Right? And made all the money.
That's right. And never gave it to the mom or whatever.
Anyway, I got that.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I got that out of my mind. No, I like it.
You guys got anything to say? Do you have anything to to say for yourself? Yeah, yeah. That's true.
I mean, there's other movies I could do.

Speaker 1 There's other movies I could do, but I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 4 Did you see the Indian version of Forest Gump?

Speaker 1 What? What? What? There is. There's an Indian version of Forest Gump.
When you say Indian, you mean Indian India. Or native Indians.
Not native. Not native.
Yeah. India.
Indian Forest Gump man.

Speaker 1 Forest Gump, man.

Speaker 1 If it's called Forest Gump, man.

Speaker 1 Run, Forest, Run. Run,

Speaker 1 Forest, Run. It's called Lai Singh

Speaker 1 Chada. Lai Singh Chada.
That's not Forrest Gump, man. It is.
It's an about. Click on it.
Click on the Wikipedia right there. Lai Singh Chada 2000.
It just came out, huh?

Speaker 1 Okay, if Forrest Gump isn't in the description, it's not. Go ahead, read it.
Zoom, Zoom. Zoom, Zoom.
Okay, zoom in.

Speaker 1 It's an Indian Lal Singh Chada is an Indian Hindi language comedy drama directed by Affidavit Chandan.

Speaker 1 Adviat Chandan. And a screenplay, Eric Roth and Atul Komani, produced by Amir Khan, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 It is a remake of the 1994 American film Forrest Gump, which itself is an adaptation of the novel, the same by the name from Winston Groom.

Speaker 1 The film stars Amir Khan and the title character alongside Karina Kapoor. Naga, chit-cha-cha.
We gotta watch it then. We gotta watch it.
But is there like, is it the same exact story? It's the same.

Speaker 1 Wow. Well, let me get this straight.
Look at the poster.

Speaker 1 Let him get it straight. Go ahead.
Can I get this straight? So in Forrest Gump, right, there's flashback scenes or whatever of Forrest with you know, I mean, JFK.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so there's going to be an Indian guy next to JFK.

Speaker 1 I guess. You know what I mean? I don't get it.
Well, let's watch the trailer. We can only get it.
There's an Indian guy in the Vietnam War. Why is the Indian?

Speaker 4 It's their war.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's just.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.
It's their Vietnam. It's their Vietnam.
Which is what? I don't know. I'm so not educated.

Speaker 1 Oh, same feather.

Speaker 1 It's funny.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. Push pause.

Speaker 1 Push pause.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. I love it.
I do too. It's so weird.
Let's see. Come on.
In fact, India should remake all the movies. I think they do.
I think they actually do. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So is there like an Indian version of like

Speaker 1 Star Taxi Driver? Everything. Everything.
Everything. Oh, I love it.

Speaker 1 bolly bollywood makes everything and they make like 10 times the films that we make in that's amazing go explain

Speaker 1 rupa's jenny

Speaker 1 say no rupa stop stop for a second wow they can change it to cricket

Speaker 1 It doesn't have to be ping-pong, right? You can change it to cricket. What you know.
It could have been cricket. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is wild. Wow, that's honestly.
It's got to be.

Speaker 1 Honestly. Like, I want to see it.
I'm crying. Yeah, I am too.

Speaker 1 I am too. I want to see it.
I'm like really emotional about it. Well, I guess we have to watch this movie.
We have to watch this movie. We understand the assignment.
Tonight we're watching the movie.

Speaker 1 Did you see it? Half of it is on Netflix. Wait, wait, did you see the original?

Speaker 4 Yeah, you let me watch it.

Speaker 1 I let you? Like, like you're fucking. You You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Parole officer? What do you mean? I let you.

Speaker 4 I remember you said, we have to watch Forrest Gump tonight.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, that's right, because you had never seen it.
Yeah. And I forced you to watch it.
That's right. Where did you see it? On Netflix?

Speaker 4 This one? Yeah. Netflix.

Speaker 1 Oh, we got to watch it then. Yeah, we do have to watch it.
Can I just say something, though? Yeah. There's no way it's...
There's just certain things in the movie that wouldn't make any sense.

Speaker 1 Like what?

Speaker 1 Like what? Well, for instance, like he learned, like, as a kid, Elvis, is there a Bollywood singer that he learns that do the sh.

Speaker 1 I'm willing to bet my money there is. Did the kid teach Elvis how to do the little giant?

Speaker 5 He dances.

Speaker 4 There's a Bollywood actor there that he looks up.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? And then that Bollywood stole it from him, that move, and then became famous. Yeah, yeah.
Wow. Okay, they got that.
We have to see it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What's another thing that you think that, like, well, he didn't play football. He went to the University of Alabama.
But they do rugby out there, no?

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, but it didn't look like any. Does he do that in the film at all? He just races.
Oh, he just races. Oh, track and field.
That's the fraction. Track and field.
Track and field.

Speaker 1 By the way, luckily, there's no black guys in this movie. They would have been

Speaker 1 right by this guy.

Speaker 1 Right by this guy.

Speaker 1 Is there a disease that she has that's not HIV? Is it something else? I didn't finish it yet, so I don't know. Called malaria.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know. What do they have out there? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 They actually don't even say it. They allude to the fact that she got sick, which was up for speculation.
And apparently, that's a social

Speaker 1 social guess. They never once say that she has HIV.
Yeah, why do we think it's HIV? Because she was a heroin addict. She was an intervening drug user.

Speaker 1 We watched her use intravenous drugs, and then she said she got sick. So, our assumption was it was HIV, but it might not have been.
Oh, that's true. Okay.

Speaker 1 Isn't that the whole, isn't that like the whole thing? Yeah. I think it was a social perception that we thought that's what it was.
That's interesting.

Speaker 1 Because there are scenes with her intravenously using drugs. So we assume, oh, well, she probably got AIDS.
That's the time period lined up right.

Speaker 1 But she could have just had fucking cancer. I don't think it was AIDS.
You want to go for it. I I want to AIDS.
Yeah, you want to take it. I like the AIDS, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's two AIDS movies for Tom Hanks, man. He came out just after Philadelphia.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Back to back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 But also,

Speaker 1 if it was HIV, he would have got it. Because they slept together when he had a kid with her.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 1 That is true. So it's not HIV.

Speaker 1 Maybe he's maybe he's.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy. Go ahead.
Well, maybe some people are immune.

Speaker 1 Or maybe, what's the matter?

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 3 my throat's just really full.

Speaker 1 Your what? My throat. Your throat is what?

Speaker 3 Really full.

Speaker 1 Full of what? Full of? Yeah, full of. Oh, so you want to spit somewhere? Yeah.
Well, get up and do it. Yeah, you're allowed to leave.
You don't have to. This is not a.

Speaker 1 God,

Speaker 1 she still thinks she's in school. I know, no.
This is crazy. By the way, 14? She's 14.

Speaker 1 What year is that?

Speaker 1 That's why I asked before. What grade is that?

Speaker 5 She's in

Speaker 1 8th grade. Is this show okay for an eighth grader? I don't think so.
She's super sophisticated. I know she feels like older than you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's sophisticated.

Speaker 4 And my mom talks a lot of nasty shit.

Speaker 1 Her mom's nasty. Nasty shit.
Like pure nasty. Why couldn't she come to this?

Speaker 1 She won't talk.

Speaker 1 Well, because I would rather not. She's scared.
Oh, she is.

Speaker 1 And she's not a 14-year-old. She did Tiger Bell, and she was awesome.
It's unbelievable.

Speaker 1 We'll chat her up when she gets back. When her throat is not full.
Anyway, Forrest Gum, check it at the Indian one. We'll watch it.
We're going to watch it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 By the way, don't tell her not to use the phrase, my throat is full. It's just

Speaker 1 weird. I've had girls say that to me.
My throat is full. Oh, boy.
No, they have. Well, I'm saying the way she said it sounded weird.
You could just say, I need to spit.

Speaker 1 It's like being like, my butt is full. It's like, just say you have to poo.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. That's true.
Yeah, I don't need to spit. I know that your throat is that.
Maybe that's how they say it out there, though. My throat is full.
Yeah, my throat is full. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, spit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. My butt is full.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, poo. Like a, like a, like a poo.
Like a woman that just has a baby is like, my teeth are full. And they have to have, I need to milk, my teeth are full.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I saw a movie last night, by the way. Tell me.
One of the best, the second best movie I've seen this year. I've seen two phenomenal movies.
What are the movies? Everything Everywhere All at Once.

Speaker 1 That was a great movie. It probably should win everything, in my opinion.
You fuck you, fancy. Roll your fucking eyes.
It's good.

Speaker 1 You'll never make a movie that good. That's a fact.
That's a fact. You'll never make a movie that good.
All right. Can I tell you?

Speaker 1 Okay, so this movie, this Everything Everywhere All at Once, and the movie I watched last night is unequivocally the best movie I've seen in fucking years.

Speaker 1 The Triangle of Sadness. Oh, I know.
I already know that because Gene. Okay, so Gene.
It is so good. Really good.
Okay, last night. It is not really

Speaker 1 phenomenal. Okay, last night, check it out.
So good. Don't even show me.
Last night, I was having dinner with David King and Gene Hong, writers. Yeah.
Right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they go, did you see that movie yet? And you got to go watch it now. And I go, it's going to be,

Speaker 1 I'll watch it streaming. Nope.
I know. Go.
Everyone's telling me to watch this fucking movie. This movie is.
The satire about rich people, right?

Speaker 1 Well, okay, so first of all, if you ever see the movie Force Majeur, he did this. Did you guys see Force Major? No.

Speaker 1 You've never seen Force Major? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I don't like the way you talk down to me. No, I'm a busy man.
No, you're not. No, you're not.
They did an American one. They did an American one with Will Farrell and

Speaker 1 Yeah, What's Wrong on the and

Speaker 1 I don't want to see that one? Julie Lou Dragonfield. I don't want to see that one.
I want to see the original one. And let me tell you something.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Force Majeur. I want to see this.
This was

Speaker 1 Force Majeure, the original, the one by the Swedish guy, is so fucking funny. But the comedy is why I like this other movie that you'll love because it is small, very dark.
It's super dark.

Speaker 1 His comedy is not like, Will Farrell is like,

Speaker 1 it's a terrible, that is not at all what his kind of comedy is.

Speaker 1 So when they remade it, the movie bombed because nobody wanted to see that kind of dark, twisted comedy from a, you know, he's like a Prat guy. Americans ruin everything.

Speaker 1 Every good international comedy, we fuck up, that's for sure. When I was on this show, Splitting Up Together, it was based on a Dana show.
Yeah. Right? The Dana show was so funny.

Speaker 1 Masturbation jokes, people cheating at us. It was like.

Speaker 1 Because the comedy is like specific and real. Same thing with Clown.
Did you guys ever see Cloven, that movie Clown, where the guy

Speaker 1 was so good. So good.
But we tried to do it here. They did? Yeah, bombed.
Bombed miserably. Yeah.
Bombed. That movie was so good.
So good.

Speaker 1 So this movie, Force Majora, I highly recommend everyone go watch it. It's online.
It's about a couple,

Speaker 1 a husband and a wife, who experience a a fucking avalanche while on a ski trip with their family, and everything goes to shit.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, his new movie, I cannot recommend enough, Triangle of Sadness, is about a fucking group of people on a,

Speaker 1 oh, God, how do I do this without giving anything away? It's a group of people on an international yacht. Yeah, yacht.
But there's

Speaker 1 so much subset to this. I get it.
There's so much beautiful commentary about money, society,

Speaker 1 class, rules, our social norms,

Speaker 1 what's acceptable, what's not, beauty.

Speaker 1 beauty, and also, rest in peace, Charlie Dean, that girl on the left that's on the poster, it's her and this guy, Harris Dickinson, which, let me say one more thing, is the hottest redhead I've ever seen in my life.

Speaker 1 It's the role that I wanted to, he's who I want to be. I'll never be.
I want to see if Triangle of Sed is playing tonight now. You have to.
Now I'm going to watch it. Let me just look.

Speaker 1 Click on this guy, though. Look at how hot this guy is.
This is the first redhead I've seen lead a film. And fuck is he hot.
Look at him with his shirt off. This is in the movie.

Speaker 1 Look at how hot this guy is.

Speaker 1 This is

Speaker 1 okay. He's so hot.
Girls, he's a good-looking guy. He's hot.
And he's a redhead. I was so proud.
I was proud the whole film. But anyway, go back to the poster.
He did get 69% on Ron Tomatoes.

Speaker 1 Is that good or bad? Don't care.

Speaker 1 Fuck that whole site. Charlie B.
Dean, right there on the left, the girl in the chair who plays opposite of Harris, passed away this year and is so good in this fucking movie. Honestly,

Speaker 1 ugh. I know there's a comedy podcast, but I got to tell you, rest in peace to this girl, she would have had a fucking unbelievable career moving forward.
The movie was, it showcased how good she was.

Speaker 1 She was so funny, so cool, so funny, so sexy, so like quick.

Speaker 1 Her acting was impeccable. I think they both killed it.
You saw it? Yeah. All of this.
It's so good. It's so fucking good.

Speaker 1 And Woody Harrelson, although he's in it for a short stint, you know, crushes. He does exactly what he does.
Listen, I'm so sorry I attacked you.

Speaker 1 Maybe you will direct a movie that, you know what I mean, is going to be as good as, you know, okay? No, he won't. I know.
I know you won't. No, he won't.

Speaker 1 He won't, but come on, just let's be more positive. Yeah, you could.
Bobby, Bobby, he won't. He won't.
He definitely won't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And I'll tell you why you won't.
Because you can't give it up to that movie. Yeah, that's right.
Your mind is closed. That's right.
Right? That's right. Open it.
Open it up. See the world.

Speaker 1 I think.

Speaker 1 And racist. Why? Because there's Asians in it?

Speaker 2 Check yourself.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you something? I know that one day he will direct

Speaker 1 an amazing film. Right.
And guess what? What? He'll never talk to us again. Oh,

Speaker 1 don't, dude.

Speaker 1 I mean, don't even get me started. He'll never talk to us again.

Speaker 1 He'll go off, and then he won't answer our phone calls. He won't even, dude.
This is exactly what

Speaker 1 this is what will happen. We'll walk down the street.
Hey, Andreas. He won't even look at us.

Speaker 1 Right? It'll have his bodyguard step in front of us. Excuse me, please.
Excuse me, please. Mr.
Andreas doesn't want to say that.

Speaker 1 No, no, he doesn't know if he wants to talk to you, please, please. And then

Speaker 1 guess what happens? What happens? We assassinate you. No, we go after daughter.
Oh, shit. Oh, right.
Yes, exactly. Your daughter's being born? Yep.
Watch it, though. We're going to kidnap her.

Speaker 1 We're not going to hurt her. No, no, but it's.
Well, we're trying to create another movie theme for him. Oh, right, right, right, right.
I have a very specific set of skills. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're going to become,

Speaker 1 what's it called? Liam Nissan? Yeah. What is the movie? Why can't I think of it?

Speaker 1 What is the Spanish version? What's the word take it? How do you say take in Spanish? Sequestrada. Ooh.
Taken. Taken.

Speaker 1 We still got to say taken.

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All right, so let's find out more about you. Okay.
Is your throat full still? No. No.

Speaker 1 No, why did you say it that way? Is that how you say it overseas?

Speaker 1 My throat is full. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you don't say. He's going to move the mic towards you like sister, like sister.
She still has it far away. You have to talk into the mic.
Okay. Yeah.
Okay. A little closer, maybe?

Speaker 1 She's so nice. She's so nice.
She's so nice. Yeah, yeah.
So, do you people?

Speaker 1 do you and your friends back home say, my throat is full when you need to spit? Is that what everybody says?

Speaker 3 That's what I say. I don't think it's weird.

Speaker 1 Have you ever said that? Is that weird? No.

Speaker 5 What are you supposed to say?

Speaker 1 Can I spit? I need to spit.

Speaker 3 I feel like that's way too straightforward.

Speaker 1 Maybe that is.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's gross. I think we should start changing the way we say stuff.
Yeah, it's a little, okay. My throat is full, but that still doesn't give us what you want to do.

Speaker 1 No, I think it's pretty clear no if i feel for 100 no if i it's a statement right my throat is full my throat is full and i could just basically go good good job

Speaker 1 right i mean there's i don't know what that means you know because it when you congratulations my stomach is full and you go okay that's good good to know what'd you eat uh everything apparently yeah yeah so your throat say that so your throat is full my throat is full oh what's in your mouth what's it full of spit cool

Speaker 1 i mean that's it doesn't give me a direction yeah so it's more like i need a spit i need to spit right like your butt is full I need a shit. Yes.

Speaker 1 Say, I need to. You could always say, like, hey, I have a big, what do you call them? You always call them, not Lugi, but what's the other one? Chogis.
Chogis. Yeah, Chogis is great.

Speaker 1 No, what do they call in the Philippines?

Speaker 1 The thick kind of spit. Spit with snot in it.
What's that called?

Speaker 4 Klima.

Speaker 1 Klima. Klima.
Oh, man. It's called Klima.
Klima. Yeah.
Crima. Krima? Klima.
Klima. C-L-E-M-A.
Klima. That's a cool name.
What are you looking at? You're looking at your knives, bud? Yeah.

Speaker 4 You want to tell everyone and do show and tell with your knives this is my fruit and vegetable set

Speaker 1 and i'm excited about it say thank you to fancy and peace thank you andres and also i've never seen you cut anything in the house like vegetables or fruit so don't pretend you're gonna fucking be using that shit okay here's another thing okay right you fucked up our dog our dog julio is no yeah yeah yeah you fucked up let's get that let's get this out in the open okay okay let's get this out in the open i'm very concerned about you okay your fuck Our dog Julio wants to eat your mom and your sister, right?

Speaker 1 And it's chaos. I woke up today with barking and howling.
I've had enough of it, right? So why did you molest the dog as a baby? Because there's something fucked up about it.

Speaker 4 I didn't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. No, I didn't.
What did you do with it then? Nothing. Why is it like that?

Speaker 4 I don't know because his brain is underdeveloped.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah. Oh, I see.
It's underdeveloped. How'd you know that?

Speaker 4 Because that's what Kalila said, because he took Julio to a trainer. And then the trainer said that.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, the trainer did say it was underdeveloped. It was a constant theme in that house.
Underdeveloped brains.

Speaker 1 Underdeveloped brains? In that whole house. I feel like that's.

Speaker 1 The whole house is filled with underdeveloped brains. Yeah, yeah.
I think we are underdeveloped. Oh, my God.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, wait, you.

Speaker 4 I didn't molest him.

Speaker 1 You promised? I promise. Say, I promise I didn't.
Did you hit him? No. Did you push him down and he fell down the stairs when he was young? No.
Are you sure? No.

Speaker 4 And also, I took care of Julio and he was a baby for like two months. And then I went back to the Philippines, and then when I came back, he was already

Speaker 1 crazy. No.
Oh, I love it.

Speaker 1 I love what you're saying. Putting it on you.
I love it. I love what you're saying.
I love what you're trying to do, right? I'm going to say this. No.

Speaker 1 Right in your face. Okay.
Let me say something right now, okay? You fucked up that fucking puppy, right? Yeah, you did. And let me say this too.

Speaker 4 And me and Issa took care of me. Yeah.
Not just me.

Speaker 1 Now, think about it now, you two girls, right? You know what you guys remind me of right now, right?

Speaker 1 Filipina versions of the fucking two girls in the shining. Oh, yeah, all right, and that's what you are right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you kind of look like them, too. Yeah, yeah, you ever seen the shiny? No, look at them right there.
That's them. That's you, too.
This is you two right now. That's who you should have been.

Speaker 1 This is what you two are right now, right, though? And I don't fucking you're scared of the shit out of me

Speaker 1 instead of like that hotel, where would it be, though?

Speaker 1 Wow, man. Okay.

Speaker 1 I just give you a song.

Speaker 1 You didn't swing. Why did you swing at that?

Speaker 1 The audience knows. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That is you guys. That's you guys right there.
Because you guys sound similar. You talk in the same,

Speaker 1 you have the same intonation when you talk. Yeah.
And that's just like these little creepy girls.

Speaker 1 Like, I bet you, if I can say at the same time to say a number one through 10, you'll say the same number. No?

Speaker 1 Okay, on the count of three, say the number one through, whichever number you're thinking, one through ten. One, two, three.

Speaker 1 Four. Okay, never mind.

Speaker 1 It did not work. I didn't know.
It did not work. That was crazy.
What you did. We can do it again.
Ready? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 4 Wait, we should look at each other.

Speaker 1 No, no, it's got to be just telepathic. You just have to know.
Yeah, yeah. You have to know that you're both thinking of the same number at the exact same time.
You're both sisters. You're blood.

Speaker 1 There's a connection. Bobby and I have the same connection.

Speaker 4 How about one-second glands?

Speaker 1 Hey, Andrew. We do? We have the same connection.

Speaker 1 Ready? Yeah. One, two, three.
Nine.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Whoa.
Let's do it, you and I. One, two, three.
Three.

Speaker 1 Ah!

Speaker 4 Wait, you did something.

Speaker 5 No, no, we didn't.

Speaker 1 Did it again? Do it again. No, we didn't.
No, we can't do it again. It's a one, one fifty-generation connection, all right?

Speaker 1 All right? All right. All right, right.
One, two, three, three, five. No!

Speaker 1 No!

Speaker 1 Oh, no! Oh, my God. You guys do it.
One, two, three. Nine.

Speaker 1 You're not. You know what? All right, we can do it.
We can do it. One, two, three, two.

Speaker 1 Shit.

Speaker 1 That's why this show is good. That's why we're connected.

Speaker 1 And we sneaked into Vegas. Dude, that was good.

Speaker 1 I can't fucking believe it. We fucked.
We connected. That was really good.

Speaker 1 You want to try again?

Speaker 1 One, two, three, six. No!

Speaker 1 And you're favorite.

Speaker 1 We're so good. We're good.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
We are very good. Oh, shit.
Are you blown over? Are you blown over?

Speaker 1 Is it now that she can legally drink? Which one?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Not the 14-year-old.

Speaker 1 Can I give her her a shot of whiskey? Can you have a shot of whiskey? Do you want one? Yeah, she drove here. I'm going to get her one.

Speaker 5 I drove here, though.

Speaker 4 I drove here.

Speaker 1 Let her drive. She doesn't have a license.
Dude, it's L.A.

Speaker 1 No, you can't do a shot of whiskey. Fuck.
Yeah, if you're not driving, it'd be driving. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can do that. Yeah, yeah.
Why can't she drive? Oh, yeah. She gets a DUI, runs over a baby.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She crashes into a restaurant, kills 35 people.
One shot. One shot.

Speaker 1 No, you know what? We'll have one soon. I promise.
I promise you and I. Lisa, have you been drunk before?

Speaker 1 You know that's yes can i yeah talk on the bike yeah i have three to four times did you get drunk at four i did math at 11.

Speaker 1 what are you talking about yeah now that i'm thinking about it yeah yeah yeah and then have you done any other drugs no no okay not even if you smoke weed no no can i can i bring have you smoked a cigarette no wow can i bring up something personal okay and we cut it off you don't like it right okay she went what are you looking

Speaker 1 what no what i just looked behind you because the picture fell yeah yeah yeah no yeah so um can i bring up something personal? Yeah. Can you do the number thing again? Try it.
One, two, three, seven.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so let me ask you. Wow.
Wow.

Speaker 4 What? Do it again. Do it again.

Speaker 1 No, no, we can't do it.

Speaker 1 We can't do it. We can't do it.
Do it again. No, no, no.
No, you're going to tell us what to do. Do it when we do it.

Speaker 1 Let Bobby ask the question. Do it when we do it.
Let me ask you a question, right?

Speaker 1 Can I ask something personal to you, right? Yeah. Can I ask something personal?

Speaker 1 Here's the personal thing. Okay, you went through a dark time, right? You had bleached your hair.
You got depressed. Yeah.
Are you through that phase? Um,

Speaker 4 yeah, mostly.

Speaker 1 Okay. You're happy now.
You're happy now. What was making you depressed?

Speaker 3 Um, it's mostly like, like, self-image.

Speaker 1 Like, when I, yeah. Oh, fuck, that makes me sad.
Wait, why? But you lost a bunch of weight. Yeah.
You cleaned up your act. You're getting great grades, I heard.

Speaker 1 And I just feel like you've changed because we were worried about you during the pandemic. You're going the anime style.

Speaker 1 Right? You did anime. You love the anime, right? Yeah.
More than her.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 She learned Japanese.

Speaker 1 Did you know Japanese? Say, speak something in Japanese. Anyhow.

Speaker 1 Which one's that? I don't know. That's a hello.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 What do you want me to say? Anything.

Speaker 1 Did I say anything?

Speaker 1 I always want to say something. It sounds like you could say something.

Speaker 1 You better throw in one. Yeah.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Say, I'm so happy to be here.

Speaker 1 Fuck, that's awful. That's wild.

Speaker 1 A 14-year-old knows Japanese. She's not even American.
Look at how good English she is. I know.

Speaker 1 Well, that's also because of these people are always around, right? What's these people?

Speaker 1 These people. You.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No,

Speaker 1 she's been living with us for three. They haven't seen each other.
I know, but you taught her English. How did you learn English? To school.

Speaker 1 They have school by you guys?

Speaker 1 I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Yeah, Bobby, what are you talking about? Of course she knows fucking English. Everybody has fucking English in school now.

Speaker 1 One, two, three, eight.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 5 You did the hand way.

Speaker 1 What hand thing?

Speaker 5 You did that. No, I did.

Speaker 1 Where? Where?

Speaker 5 No, it again.

Speaker 3 No, because you went from five and then you went six and then seven and eight.

Speaker 1 No, we didn't. No, we go on again.

Speaker 1 No, we didn't. Again.
No, we didn't. No, I didn't.

Speaker 1 We're not doing anything. You don't own this show.

Speaker 1 We're not doing it again. This is our show.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 You don't bully us. I want to go back.
Let's talk. Let's talk.
So, so you were depressed before.

Speaker 1 No longer depressed.

Speaker 1 Sometimes. But the body image thing, I'm being genuine when I ask this.
Is it because of people in school are fucking mean kids? Was that why?

Speaker 4 Um, no. Why?

Speaker 1 Not really. It was just all you?

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's just my thoughts. It's just me fighting myself.

Speaker 1 I don't like that. I don't like it either.
I'm glad that you're feeling better. Yeah.
But I'm glad you went through it early because you were like 11, 12, 13 when you went through it, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And now you're out of it, I feel like.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Honestly, when I saw you in the Philippines

Speaker 1 and we started talking and stuff, and we went we had some great meals, did we not? Yeah. Oh my god, we went some great fucking dinners, man.

Speaker 1 And, you know, and hanging out with you, I really was like, I felt comforted in the fact that you're bright, you're smart, you're getting good grades. I think you're cool.

Speaker 1 And I think the knowledge that you have in terms of art and anime, all that stuff is legit. And I don't know why your sister is not like you.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? But that's, I guess, genetics or different dads. Different dads.
Different dads. Different dads.
Your dad's a lawyer, right?

Speaker 4 My dad was a drug addict.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. A lawyer and a liar.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Your dad is still a lawyer?

Speaker 3 He's a prosecutor now.

Speaker 1 What are you going to do? Dun, doon. Vanilla prosecution.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 are you going to come to the States?

Speaker 1 She's here now. No, I mean, to live, to live.
You're visiting, right?

Speaker 3 I want to.

Speaker 1 You do she went we were trying to work out a thing where she went to school here for a year, right?

Speaker 1 And it didn't work out. Maybe next year.

Speaker 1 Do you want to do it next year? Sure. Would you want to do college here or no? Yeah.
You do. You'd rather do college here then?

Speaker 3 Um honestly, it's I just want to try like living here because I have this plan with my friend. Like we're gonna live like because she's going to college in Canada.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and um if I'm going to college here in LA we're planning to live in either LA or Canada.

Speaker 1 Where t in Vancouver? Is that where she's going to be?

Speaker 3 She's not sure yet. She wants to live somewhere where there's a potato corner.

Speaker 1 Sorry? A corner? Potato corner. What the fuck is that? It's a potato corner.
It's like a French fry place in the Philippines.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Such a such a time.
Wait, but let's.

Speaker 1 We have to rewind. We have to rewind.
Okay, stop, stop, stop. All right.
Your friend's going to leave the Philippines to come to North America.

Speaker 1 They have to have a potato corner.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay, let me just say something.
Let me say, okay, what I'm saying is

Speaker 1 we have fries too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we have grapes. Yeah, we have grape fries.

Speaker 4 Potato fries are the best.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you think our fries are made out of? Huh?

Speaker 1 Asparagus? Potato too.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 1 There is the potato corner. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah.
Yeah. The world's best French fries?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I can't.
Impossible. Impossible.
Let me see. Where are they located? Where are they located? I've never heard of potato corner.

Speaker 3 No, because it's so weird because apparently they're adding a Filipino-like language to studying in Canada, but they only have like one potato corner in Canada, from what I heard.

Speaker 1 Who the f?

Speaker 1 Who gives up?

Speaker 1 Where is the one? Where is that, Pete? What is one in LA, man? Is there one in LA? No, it's right there. It's in

Speaker 4 there's one in Americana.

Speaker 1 Potato corner. In the Americana in Glendale? Yeah.

Speaker 1 How come this doesn't show that in California, Pete?

Speaker 1 Looking for the one in Canada. Well, zoom in.
It's a dot. I see the dot.
Zoom, zoom, more. Go in.
That's in Winnipeg, I think.

Speaker 6 No, and it just says no locations found.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 So find the one. Let Let me see the one.
Go down to the one in California. Let me see if there's one out here for real.
We have to go. We have to go.
We have to go. I feel like I want to go now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, we should. Oh, now, if it's, if it's not.
Oh, here we go. There's a bunch.
There's a bunch of potato corners. Oh, there is.
There's like 10 of them in L.A.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, now we can prove this theory here.
We're going to go. We're going to go.

Speaker 1 So there's one in Pasadena. There's one.
Okay, good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you about potato corner. Okay.

Speaker 1 If you closed your eyes, right, and I gave you a French fry from

Speaker 1 In-N-Out, I gave you a French fry from

Speaker 1 McDonald's. But you've never had In-N-Out?

Speaker 1 No. And I gave you a French fry from Potato Corner,

Speaker 1 you'd be able to differentiate between the three?

Speaker 3 Yeah, because a potato corner has different flavors.

Speaker 1 Show me the menu. What flavor is flavor? Show me the menu.
They have sour cream. You mean dips? No.
Look, original. Powder.

Speaker 1 Potater tots, Jojo chips, loopy fries or curly fries, and sweet potato, which we call. Also, they're cut into waffle.
Those are waffle fries. So, right.
Look at the third. Pick your flavor.

Speaker 1 It's a powder. Yeah.
So it's barbecue, cheddar, sour cream, and onion, chili barbecue. So it's just powdered fries.
So what's great about the fries is the powder. It's the powder.
It's not the fries.

Speaker 1 Not the fry. That's right.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Don't shake your head like that. We're trying to win this argument.
All right? Is it the powder or the fries?

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Speaker 1 So, this is the arrival video

Speaker 1 of your

Speaker 1 sister and your mom coming to the coming this is your coming to America

Speaker 1 now you don't know that it was a surprise no I didn't know so the day before the day before we go me and Kalada go we got you a present and you try to guess what it is yeah and then you said it's something big and brown yeah it's a big and brown you know what I mean she's like is it a couch you know she didn't know show me a lie big and brown so then this is a surprise you have no idea what's happening right now okay go play it who's filming this good camera work yes

Speaker 1 it's a big market

Speaker 1 Oh, Rudy.

Speaker 1 Look at how happy that Rudy is.

Speaker 1 Hug her. I know she's crying.

Speaker 1 Oh, Rude.

Speaker 1 Rudy, she's crying. Wow.

Speaker 1 So sweet. Rude.

Speaker 1 How happy were you to see your mom? Really happy. And you didn't hug her, though.
Your arms are still by your side.

Speaker 1 That is very sweet. Honestly, that's very sweet.
Thank you, Tito Bobby.

Speaker 4 Thank you, Tito Bobby.

Speaker 1 It's not genuine.

Speaker 4 That was thank you, Tito Bobby. It's not genuine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, try it again. It sucks.

Speaker 4 Thank you, Tito Bobby.

Speaker 1 That felt good. That felt better.
One more time.

Speaker 1 One more time, but do it this time with

Speaker 1 be like very honest. And also, not only that, throw in at the end.
I love you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That would be nice.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 4 Thank you, Tito Bobby. I love you.

Speaker 1 One, two, three. One.

Speaker 1 I told you.

Speaker 1 It's amazing. We are so hard.

Speaker 4 You have to do it without your hands.

Speaker 1 We didn't have our fucking hands.

Speaker 4 No, put it back. Put it back.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? You're such a bully.

Speaker 4 Just do it. One more for my birthday.

Speaker 1 12 of them were yesterday. First of all,

Speaker 1 he brought your fucking sister and your mom here

Speaker 1 for your birthday. And you're asking us to give you more gifts.
You spit on the cake so we couldn't even have COVID cake. Yeah, yeah.
We'll do it one more time. Okay, hide your hands.
Hide, hide.

Speaker 1 One, two, three, four.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 I mean, we did. Dude, we're like fucking Vegas, dude.
We are Vegas. One more, one more.
No, no, no, not that one more.

Speaker 1 I don't know how many times we have to do it. Just a week.
I don't know how many times we have to Eat your cake. Eat your cake, man.
Can I get a slice of cake or what? No, it's COVID cake.

Speaker 1 I don't care. I'm sick, too.
All right. But you guys go eat cake in the front row.
What's up, big dog?

Speaker 1 All right, guys.

Speaker 1 Introduce the guest, Matt Bronger. We will.
We will in a second, but I'm going to say Matt Bronger. Yes, sir.
Okay, Matt Bronger. Who are you? Donald Trump.
I'm going to introduce him.

Speaker 1 You don't say it. I get to say it.
Matt Bronger. Let me just say something, okay? I was on a TV show called Matt TV.
Yes. I was on it for eight years.

Speaker 1 And the last two years, was it last two years or last year? Year. The last year I was on the show,

Speaker 1 I canceled the show. We canceled the show.

Speaker 1 Matt Bronger was a cast member on my eighth season of Matt TV.

Speaker 1 It was a real joy to work with you. I loved working with you.
Really talented guy.

Speaker 2 And we got to know each other real fast. I remember, this is how comfortable I got with you, where you sat across me and you took your pants off while I was eating lunch.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I don't need to see your dick and balls, man. I'm eating a salad.

Speaker 1 And we both started laughing so hard, and I don't know why. But did the salad have any meat in it? What's that? Did Did the salad have meat? It didn't.
Well, that's wow. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 That's why it's acceptable. You got to fill the void.
Yeah. Did I really do that?

Speaker 1 Yes. And you,

Speaker 2 I remember I wrote a sketch that did really well, and we all went out for a drink, the whole cast, after this taping, and you were like, come outside with me. And I was like, what?

Speaker 1 And you're like, you're fucked.

Speaker 2 And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, they love you. You're going to be on this show for another six years like me.
I hate my life, Bronger.

Speaker 1 And you walked back in the bar. That's how I couldn't tell how serious or not you were.
Alex Borstein said the same thing to me.

Speaker 1 One sketch, she goes, I love fucked. And I go, why?

Speaker 1 You're going to be on this miserable show for like five or six years. And I just had to say that to him.

Speaker 1 And she, and you were right. I was right.
How many years were you on?

Speaker 2 I was on and it got canceled.

Speaker 1 That was it. Oh, no.
It was literally the opposite.

Speaker 2 I remember they canceled the show on my day off. I remember Eric Price called me and my agent called me.
They're like, yeah, they just, they called everybody into the big room.

Speaker 1 And I was like, fuck, that sucks.

Speaker 2 But I'm really glad I wasn't there. Big time.
Just looking around at all those carpenter, you know, people doing real work.

Speaker 1 I was there. Actual

Speaker 1 work. Yeah.
Oh my God, it was there.

Speaker 2 To make a show run, camera people. And they're just like,

Speaker 2 fuck, man.

Speaker 1 This was a gig. What was that, Fox? It was Fox, right? Fox, yeah.

Speaker 1 What a fucking bummer. You know, that's the thing that I think America doesn't understand is like when things get canceled,

Speaker 1 there is no

Speaker 1 outline on how it gets done. They literally are like, fuck off.
They walk off and fuck you right off to your face.

Speaker 2 I remember I talked to John Cho after he got that show selfie he was on got canceled. And I was like, How are you doing? He's like, You know what, man?

Speaker 2 I wish just fucking once I could be on one fucking show where they walked up and said, It's a hit.

Speaker 1 It's a hit, guys.

Speaker 2 It's like, if I could, in my lifetime, I've never gotten that. And that dude works so much.

Speaker 1 Have you gotten that? Davey? Yeah, Dave's a hit. But it's funny because it's like, it's, we don't, this is what's funny.

Speaker 1 No matter what level we're at, it's always a complainy thing because like, Dave does well, but they don't talk to us about it. So like

Speaker 1 FX doesn't like say, hey, this is doing good. Like we're good.
You guys are getting on the season. Nobody tells you shit.

Speaker 1 The only way you get to hurt, you hear something is when they go, hey, you're canceled. Yes.

Speaker 1 They don't go, dude, this is awesome. No, they just let you keep sneaking along going, are we good? Is everything good? Because that gives you power.
Yeah, you know, that gives you negotiating power.

Speaker 2 They're worried you're going to be like, I want more money.

Speaker 2 So it's just like, just keep it under wraps.

Speaker 1 But it is true. They don't tell you when it's going good.

Speaker 1 The only way you know it's if it hit is socially, you understand that people are like.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine how good it would feel to get hired? And they're like, we're going to have you for three seasons. And then you get shot in the face.

Speaker 1 And you're like, I love it.

Speaker 1 You're going to get gunned down in the street. Yeah.
But they're like, we actually are going to kill you. No, we're seriously.
Like, have you seen this?

Speaker 1 Have you seen this Oculus headset that some guy designed that kills you when you lose in the game?

Speaker 2 I just saw the article and I refuse to read it, but tell me.

Speaker 1 There is a game designer that tried to design this thing where when you die in the game, you die in real life. Oh, God.
No, really? This is a fucking VR headset that tries to kill you. Wasn't that?

Speaker 2 What James Bond movie was that?

Speaker 1 I think that was View to a Kill.

Speaker 1 View to die.

Speaker 1 So go down. What does this say? Thanks to what? Just zoom in.
Thanks to Palmer Lucky. There's a new way to die playing video games.
He, founder of Oculus VR, since left the organization.

Speaker 1 Creator of Oculus Rift has come up with a brand new piece of VR headset. It can actually kill you if you die in the video game.
That's insane. It's fake.

Speaker 1 It's just not real. No, it is actually real.
The idea is real, but obviously there's no execution of it. No.
Someone tried it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think the one guy that tried it probably. Then it stops.
Oh, I see. I think we had to kill it after that.
There he is laughing about making it.

Speaker 1 This will kill somebody. An innocent kid.
This white piece of shit.

Speaker 2 You imagine like a family member.

Speaker 1 Why did you make it about white blood?

Speaker 1 It's a hamburger. Come on, of course it's a white guy.
Wanted to kill people. You guys, man, out of control.
First of all. Yeah.
Listen,

Speaker 1 you kill a white guy, but an Asian guy designed it. That's exactly right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay. You came up with theme music.

Speaker 1 You guys come up with all the intricacies. Yeah.
We just have to put it to market.

Speaker 2 Here's my question for you guys: a family member dies by this thing. Do you lie and say they died of like auto-erotic asphyxiation?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, what's more embarrassing?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was.

Speaker 2 The Jo Game killed you, or you choked yourself to death jacking it.

Speaker 1 It depends on, and you know, the level of auto-erotic asphysiation is different, though, because, like, I think Belt Against the Door is kind of cool.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 If it's a sexy feel that good,

Speaker 1 it must. Yeah.
Because Kung Fu died from it, right? Yeah, he did. In excess, he died from it.
Yep. Yeah.
So big people have done it. So it must feel.

Speaker 1 If you're selling out in excess 30, 50,000 seat arenas, right? Yeah. And you're still having to do that, that must feel much, way better.
Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But also, you know, I think it's because you want to try it. David Carradine.
You want to get close to the edge. That's all that is.
Yeah, that's it. And then pull back.
And then stop. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Would they They went too far? But that's why you always do it with a friend. Matt comes over here.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
We watch each other.

Speaker 2 It's just like when we do a ton of cocaine. It's like, my left arm's numb.
Can you take me to the hospital?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You've got to do these things with a friend.
You can't do that. David Carradine was wearing a fishnet stocking and a dark wig when his body was found in Bangkok.
God damn it.

Speaker 1 Look at that David Carradine. Are you kidding me? Reveals incest.

Speaker 1 That's how you go out. Yeah.
Murder. A wig and fishnet.
Oh. That's the song One Night in Bangkok.
That's what it's about.

Speaker 1 It's about dying and fishnet choking yourself.

Speaker 2 That's got to be part of

Speaker 2 the high, though, too.

Speaker 1 We're like, oh, God, what if they found me? What if they found me? Oh, right. What if they found me? I better be wearing my good heels.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I better be wearing my red bottles.

Speaker 1 I don't want to die in sneakers.

Speaker 2 You got to have Jimmy shoes.

Speaker 1 Jimmy's shoes on, yeah. Jimmy's shoes.

Speaker 1 You need those Balenciagas on my feet, Daddy. Really? If I'm going to die in drag, I better be wearing good fucking clothes when they find me.
You don't want to die in drag wearing like cheap shit.

Speaker 1 Bag lady. No.

Speaker 1 We found this bag lady upstairs. No, you want to die in fashion? you want to die in chanel so if i wore forever 21

Speaker 1 i would not they got some nice stuff i know but if i were wearing a full blown from head to toe forever 21 would not come to your funeral that'd be embarrassing yeah i'd be ashamed well no they wouldn't dress his body in that what do they what if no they should dress you in what you were found in

Speaker 1 you should not get dressed up in like a suit when you die you should be whatever you died in that's how you go that's how you go i i like that as an ordinance like you just people in an open casket just in their underwear yeah one sock yeah but wouldn't you be naked doing that No, dude.

Speaker 1 So who wears clothes, dude?

Speaker 1 You wear a button front. I wear a button front.
That's what I wear.

Speaker 2 I unbutton the front of my dress.

Speaker 1 I wear a sundress. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If I were going to do that, I'd be naked. I know, but what you're missing is part of the fantasy is that they're role-playing this world of like sex and

Speaker 1 it's like, oh, they're doing something naughty and wrong. So he's wearing like clothes he doesn't usually wear.
He's by himself in a full-blown fucking outfit.

Speaker 1 His fucking neck is tied to a door.

Speaker 1 No one's around and he cares about what he looks like. It's for him.
I didn't know that. What if he had his kung fu outfit on? Yeah, that would have made more sense.

Speaker 1 Some things are just for you. Yeah.
So, Bronger, do you, you, you did a special. What's it called?

Speaker 2 It's called Doug. It's named after a terrible guy my wife and I met on vacation.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Doug. It's a theme then.

Speaker 2 Well, because it has a story at the end that has like a big reveal where I have an audience member on stage and I take my pants off.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's my dad. That's my

Speaker 1 favorite thing that thing you're stealing. Yes.

Speaker 2 I'm also asking the booker if I can only do 20 minutes.

Speaker 1 You all know Bobby always does that. Sold out of him.

Speaker 1 Can I just do 15? No, Bobby. They know everybody.

Speaker 1 I respect that so much. People know me.
I love it. They sure do.
Yeah, people know me. Look at that.
That's the art for Doug. Yeah, so that's why it's all vacation-themed.

Speaker 2 And so it's like, I think you guys would agree men need good examples in our lives. Sure.

Speaker 2 We also need bad ones. And Doug was a terrible example.
Doug followed a dude down the beach, insisting the guy played for the NFL. It was just a large black man.
We were in the Caribbean.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 He got, every time I saw him, he was drunk and wet every time. Yeah.
No matter what time it is.

Speaker 1 This is your bit.

Speaker 1 You're Doug.

Speaker 1 You're Doug.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's Bobby before he got clean.

Speaker 1 Does this man know, does this man know? You know, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's

Speaker 1 knows. He's gonna.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 it's the whole specialism about him. It's about

Speaker 2 driving my kid across the country during the pandemic. How many kids are there?

Speaker 1 I didn't know that. One, just one.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Just one. And I'm snipped.

Speaker 1 And that happened after Matt TV.

Speaker 1 A long time after.

Speaker 1 This kid is two years old. He just had a baby.
Yeah, she's too.

Speaker 1 She's too. Thank you, brother.
Appreciate it.

Speaker 2 And yeah, so that's it's it's available. Where is it? I did Moment, I think Moment House, and then I then I did VOD, and then Video on Demand, and then it's going to go to YouTube.

Speaker 2 Just basically the first two installments were kind of just to pay for production. And now I'm good.

Speaker 1 Now it's all paid for. Okay.
Yeah. So why that road? Because I know that Ari did that road.

Speaker 2 i know that schultz kind of did that oh shultz schultz was my inspiration schultz made like upwards of five or six million last i came yeah yeah yeah and uh i did not but i did try

Speaker 2 uh and and i mean but he's like the magellan of everything modern

Speaker 1 comedy in terms of promotion yeah yeah uh but it was like because of him i was like oh why don't i try this that's crazy but yeah well i'm glad i think that is a good like um road that you can take.

Speaker 1 Well, it's a, we're, we're in the age of wild frontiers.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, you guys do this podcast. It's insanely popular, you know, and I know you both individually and I never would have called it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 no, I really agree. You're right.
You're right. You're right.

Speaker 2 It's literally just doing shit until you find something that works. You guys together, you work great.
You're both hilarious comedians.

Speaker 1 I'm not bullshitting here. I'm not calling you dip shit assholes.

Speaker 2 But it's like, it's just finding the thing that works. Will Doug work for me?

Speaker 1 I like it. I think it's fun.
Does Doug know that you're, is it, did you change his name or does he? No, his name was Doug.

Speaker 2 Do you know him?

Speaker 1 I mean, No, never.

Speaker 2 We spent this weekend at the same resort and they didn't have a lot of guests. So him and his wife, we'd see almost every day.

Speaker 1 When you get,

Speaker 1 I shouldn't say unexpectedly, but when you get murdered,

Speaker 1 we know who did it.

Speaker 2 I mean, he works in finance. He probably has some dough.

Speaker 1 Does he live here?

Speaker 1 I have no idea where he is. Oh, wow, wow, wow.
Yeah, you better hope not. You're definitely leaving breadcrumbs.

Speaker 1 100%.

Speaker 2 I didn't say his last name or what he looks like or anything.

Speaker 1 No, but you know what? That's so funny is there's two ways for this to be played out

Speaker 1 in his world.

Speaker 1 One, he tells nobody because he doesn't want anybody to know this for the rest of time. Of course.
Or two, he tells everybody he meets that I am Doug. Yes.
And like, then it's a prideful thing.

Speaker 1 He's like, that's me. It's all funny.

Speaker 2 I left out so much shit. Like, there was a beach bar that was in a hollowed-out boat that was just dug into the sand.
And there was a large black man named Elvis who bartended there every night.

Speaker 2 Wow, wow, wow. And it was great.
You'd just sit on the edge of the boat and you'd have your beer or whatever. And Doug would go and Doug would just be, I won't even say like passed out.

Speaker 2 He would go sleep, he'd go sleep on the bar, and like people would take pictures in front of him.

Speaker 2 And the next day, him and his wife be laughing, like, ah, that's me. And I'm like, you, you have a problem.

Speaker 1 Like, Doug, oh wow. This is just no.

Speaker 2 The thing is, it's like, no self-awareness.

Speaker 2 I think you get like, it's important to not have self-awareness as comedians where we need to get out of our heads and just be like, I'm going to do my silly bullshit.

Speaker 2 And you're going to, you know, like, I love how Bobby just comes out and just says something on his mind. Like, you know, something was backstage that was fucking with him.
And it's just, it kills.

Speaker 2 It's the funniest shit. You know, where I try to get more into that style and shit,

Speaker 2 but like, you know, when it comes to you, you only have one life, you know, and like

Speaker 1 you have to be aware

Speaker 2 of what you're what you're ingesting.

Speaker 1 Well, Doug is doing it for what it's worth. Doug is living that one life he has, he's doing the best he possibly can.
Also, I do think Doug should be a

Speaker 1 supplement, if not a replacement, for like when you're too fucked up. Like, it's like, dude, you're Doug.
You're so dug right now.

Speaker 1 Matt, you're a good actor, too. Are you doing other things or not?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, I'm well, the thing is that

Speaker 2 I'm always going in for stuff. Right.
I mean, it's like, I kind of laugh about how I'm that person that has gotten so close a lot. Yeah.
And it's like,

Speaker 2 I'm happy and stuff, and I have my little moments where I just go, God damn it, what is this kind of thing? Yeah. But thankfully, I have stand-up.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I have

Speaker 1 my wife and my kid.

Speaker 2 I don't know how people, like, if I was just an actor and they brought me in

Speaker 2 twice and tested over the course of a year and all but but offered, got me the lead in a Showtime series. And then David Schwimmer expressed interest, and it was gone.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 If all I had was acting, I would, I don't know what I would do.

Speaker 1 Because that would really happen. Oh, yeah.
I would immolate. What was that?

Speaker 2 It didn't go anywhere. It was an, it was a,

Speaker 2 it was an all

Speaker 1 the time.

Speaker 2 Me and Heather Campbell improvise an entire sitcom.

Speaker 1 Well, listen up, ladies and gentlemen of YouTube World and Podcast Land.

Speaker 1 Go watch Doug right now.

Speaker 1 Matt Brogger's. I love Doug.
He's like

Speaker 1 so funny. He's a guy that I've known.
You sound sad when you're saying it. Like, say it happier.

Speaker 2 No, I mean, I thank you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, do it your worst. You're right.
You're right. It just sounds, you're like, listen, guys.
It just sounds like you're hit a gun point. Give me another action.

Speaker 1 And action?

Speaker 1 Hold on.

Speaker 1 Sounds speed. That's fun.
Yeah, that's so forced. It'll sound.
And also, you have got a good amount of cake in your teeth. You have like a good cake tooth on your left side, which I'm cool with.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 And action.

Speaker 1 Seriously, guys.

Speaker 1 Honestly, though, it's wonderful. It's good to be here.
What's it called? I got to get into the rhythm of it. Yeah, that's what I'm going to say.
So don't even like, I love it. I love everything.

Speaker 1 I love this guy. Honestly, guys, I love this guy.

Speaker 1 He's a guy that I've known for a very long time. He's a part of our group, right?

Speaker 1 He's a killer on stage. I've worked with him on a TV show.
He's amazing.

Speaker 1 Great actor. Great stand-up.
And the reason why he's on on this podcast promoting us is because we really want to help this guy because he's one of the best. Oh, man.
And we love him so much.

Speaker 1 Why do you keep looking at me? Look at the podcast.

Speaker 1 Honestly, we never have people on this podcast ever. Yeah, we don't.
You're like the

Speaker 1 300 episodes. You're our fourth guy.

Speaker 2 I appreciate it because it's also people listening to the podcast for you guys. And I know when you said my name and it was a name they might not have known, they were just like, oh, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, that's not what this is happening. No, we're not going to be able to do that.

Speaker 1 We're educating people. So I give your listeners credit.
We like to educate people. Educate people.
Okay, so what I'm saying is. Because they're not that educated.
They're not educated.

Speaker 1 So you're fucking great.

Speaker 2 Please watch it on YouTube. Thanks.

Speaker 1 You're going to fucking love it. Yeah, go watch Doug right now on the YouTube.
Hey, you do a thing now. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Ready five for action. Hey, guys, please watch Matt Bronger's Doug on YouTube right now.
That was a condensed. I mean, that was a lot better than you.
Both were both right.

Speaker 1 I feel like yours was clamoring at fucking all this bullshit. It's like, I just gave it to him on Thursday.
I give it to him straight.

Speaker 2 Yours was a perfect candy. Yours was a fantastic wedding cake.

Speaker 1 Let me be honest. That's great.
Yeah. All right.
Muy bueno. Give it a break.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. I love you, man.
I love you both. You're the fucking best.

Speaker 1 I also

Speaker 1 want to pay my respects to somebody that is

Speaker 1 so important to stand-up comedy, Bud Friedman. He passed away.
I know his daughter, Zoe. You know, Zoe Friedman.
She worked for Comedy Central. And

Speaker 1 Bud was always a nice man. You know, he's at the level of Mitzi, and he's like one of the fucking

Speaker 1 godfathers of comedy. And

Speaker 1 he was a nice man and a legend. And without his club, I don't think we'd be where we're at.
Nope. The improv is such a, he was the owner.
He started the improv. He started the Hollywood improv.

Speaker 1 Hollywood improv. Home to some of the most famous comedians you've ever seen and heard of.

Speaker 1 Started there, got their start there, cultivated there. It was a cultural place where famous people would go just to watch shows.
Shout out to Bud Friedman.

Speaker 1 That's him there on the left with the monocle. He was the fucking man.

Speaker 1 Rest in peace to a fucking absolute legend in comedy who found, cultivated, and promoted some of the greatest talents in our comedy world.

Speaker 1 He was a super, super, wonderfully smart, cool dude who definitely got it. I feel like there's a lot of deaths.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm kind of thinking to myself, why is that? It's because I'm getting older. People die.
Yeah. No, because as I get older, people that I know are now getting much older.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like Harlan said something to me yesterday. He's like, I turned 60 Monday.
It blew my mind. Yeah, 60 is wild.
It's wild, you know? So it's like, well,

Speaker 1 cherish the ones. Love each other.
Love each other, baby. Anyway, it was really.
Let's bring the girls back in. Let's bring the girls back in.

Speaker 1 Do you want to be on the show full-time? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I think so.
I think so. What'd you think of our psychic abilities? It's fake.
How could it be fake?

Speaker 4 Do it two more. All right.

Speaker 1 With your hands at your back. All right.
Okay. Your hands at the back.
And you know what? We won't look at each other. Oh, yeah.
Don't look at each other. All right.
Okay.

Speaker 4 One, two, three, Four.

Speaker 5 No, no, no, no. You followed me.
You followed.

Speaker 1 You followed. You followed.
You followed.

Speaker 1 One more, one more. Wait, we go.
Wait. One, two, and then.
I'll say, I'll count down. No, no, no, I'll say it.
Well, that way, no, because your rhythm is wrong.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you're way up.

Speaker 4 One, two, three, go.

Speaker 1 No, no, you don't say go. Okay, one, two, three, and then you do it.
Yeah, okay, go.

Speaker 4 One, two, three.

Speaker 1 Three.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 1 One more, one more, one more. One more.
One more.

Speaker 5 One, two, three.

Speaker 1 Nine.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a best friend. You're gonna be your best friend.
What?

Speaker 1 You have a camping. You don't fucking know, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if it's industry, I'm not on the list.

Speaker 1 But when it comes to the people,

Speaker 1 I'm on the list. Well, the people are all that matters.
You have the mind of the people.

Speaker 1 And you know what, too? You guys don't respect me. You guys look down on me.
You let guys like Matt Brunger slam me when they're, right? I only do 20 minutes, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Do this and that, you know what I mean? And go fuck yourselves, dude. One day I will get my fucking day in the light.
If you wake up a little earlier, it'll be in the button.

Speaker 1 Do what you have to do, man.

Speaker 1 Beat his ass.

Speaker 1 Do it on camera.

Speaker 1 Do it on camera.

Speaker 1 Leave that in.