Rudy's 21st Birthday feat. Matt Braunger

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. One, two, three.
Happy birthday to you. Oh, no.
I was going... They're Asian, so they sing it different.
Happy birthday to you. From the jungles of the Pinot.

We eat the duck.

We love duck egg.

Duck egg.

We don't wash our feet.

We don't wash the feet.

We don't wash the feet.

We like duck egg.

We like duck egg.

We crime the tree.

We crime the tree.

And get the pelotin.

Yeah, we do.

We don't have paved roads. We don't like paved roads.
How do we get anywhere by boat? How do we get anywhere boat and donkey? Is that a happy birthday song? That's your birthday song. Do you want us to do it again? Yeah.
Happy birthday to the Rudy Jules 21st birthday now you can go to any nightclub that you want you can drink all the alcohol that you want strip club you can stay out as late as you want are there strip clubs in the Philippines? yeah but it's not good oh did you hear that? I heard that cough in the mic I know dude that's like COVID and monkeypox together it It's like a combo. Bird flu.
It's got all of it. Yeah, it's got every animal.
SARS, bird flu, mad cow. Yeah, it's got all that sitting there.
Rudy, introduce our other esteemed guest on the show today. This is my younger sister, Isabella.
Hello. Hello.
Who also showed up sick. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. They're both very sick.
She got off the plane sick. Cool.
That's cool. International sickness.
That's always good. That's how this thing started.
Izzy, on the plane, were you sick on the plane? I only had a sore throat. Yeah, that's how it begins.
Yeah. It starts there.
there and then what happened and then like a few hours after i got off the plane i got um i got a cold oh i see i see and then how long you've been in america so far a week yeah yeah and you still have it yeah yeah yeah right on right on that's always good yeah yeah she's like was just a cold. Then I was vomiting and my temperature was 126.

I blacked out for two days, but great to be here.

My mucus had blood in it, right?

And a part of chunks of my lung inside the mucus.

How old are you?

How old is she?

I'm 14.

So we've seen pictures of you on the internet when you met with Fancy on the boat.

That's racist. Yeah, yeah.
I just see them, I think boat. I understand that.
What kind of boat? What kind of boat, though? Yeah? You know that. Is it an engine? No.
No, there's no engine. No, these are their engines.
It's good to see you. It's good to meet you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big fans over here.
We're big fans of you. Do you know that? 14 years old? Mm-hmm.

Holy shit.

Is this show okay?

It's okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

For her to hear this stuff?

Well, yeah.

It's funny because when I went to the Philippines five or six weeks ago, I hung out with Izzy

a lot.

Yeah.

And I literally realized that she's more grown up than Jules.

She also has more to say, right?

And she has points of views and opinions.

And I realized that Jules is not a great older sister. In fact, I think that she's a little...
What do you mean? There it is. That's it.
That doesn't prove anything. That's handicapped.
That's mentally dis... What do you mean? By the way, you're going through your gift.
Yeah, we haven't even done that yet. I want to open it.
Fine, do it then. Jesus Christ, what'd you get? Okay, let me read the letter first.

Please.

Did I sign it?

I don't remember signing it.

You did not sign the card.

We all got a card.

From Andres, Pete, and Tito Andrew.

From Pete, happy 21st birthday.

Stop.

Stop.

Don't black out.

Stop, stop, stop for a second.

You didn't put my name in there?

I forgot. I didn't forget.
Okay. You forgot my birthday, and you didn't – did you get any of the gifts? What's in the bag? Okay.
What's in the bag? Can I say this? No. What's in the bag? Cantaloupe.
The skin. I'm sorry.
You did part of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I apologize. Can I can I just say something please what did I get you for your gift Issa and my mom I flew your mom and your fucking sister but it doesn't matter to America it doesn't matter on my birthday you didn't greet me at all where was I nowhere to be found nowhere to be found literally where was I on your birthday to be honest I don't know you knew where I was I don't know where was I? Nowhere to be found.
Literally, where was I on your birthday? Be honest. I don't know.
You know where I was. I don't know.
Where was I? Where was I there? Not there. I was somewhere.
You weren't there. I wasn't doing a movie? I don't know.
What day was that? What day was that? Wednesday. How do you not know her birthday? I was out of town.
You were here. Yeah, but you came home early.
Yep. You sent me this video.
You were here. You were in town.
Oh, yeah. We had to do the pod.
That's right. That's right.
We had to do the pod. No, no, no.
But after the pod, you were free. I went home.
I went back. I was just...
During that thing was the pod. You made me come here.
That was your fucking fault. Right? I was like, no, family's coming.
You go, no, no, no. We got to do it.
Is that what you said? No. No.
I Go ahead I got your family out That's a lot of money So don't Give me bullshit Don't make it about money Don't make it about money What do I make it about It's about My intentions about it She's rich without you My love Not really Not really Not really Go ahead Read the fucking thing Read the card From Pete Happyst birthday. Don't black out and have your mom show up like I did on my 21st.
That's cute. I don't even know what that means.
He means he blacked out so much he had his mom come pick him up. Oh, you got drunk.
I did. It was embarrassing.
She didn't drink at all. Well, tell the story.
If it's embarrassing, I'd like to hear it. I was thrown up.
I was blacked out. And then my brother called mom and uh she showed up and she was all hysterical and where were you mess i was at a friend's house and then i i was just belligerent and uh it was really embarrassing oh we should really write that into a script that's exciting i mean what the fuck directed by martin scorsese right and then the credits come down after his oh i got drunk and then my mom picked me up yeah fade to black this is the worst fucking movie starring Shia LaBeouf as Pete who's going to play you that's a compliment let me see who would play you Fat Jonah Hill we gotta plump him up again Pete good story I love you to death shout out to Pete thank you for being here because we miss Pete when he's gone.
Fancy B, what did you do for your 21st? Doesn't matter. You can drink at 18 in Spain.
Right. What do you do at 18? Did you have an 18th birthday? Everybody forgot about my 18th birthday, so I was already traveling.
Oh, it is? It's a ploy. He's baiting me.
It's baiting him. You're a liar.
He lies. What's your problem? Who the fuck is going to forget your 18th birthday?

Well, you, for example, will forget any birthdays.

Oh, that's an attack.

I love it.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Okay, yeah, yeah, that's right.

You know why?

I treat everyone every day like it's their birthday.

That's true.

All right?

I don't take days and go, you know, this is the day I'm going to give gifts to this person

and then never talk to him for the rest of the year.

Not me. I fucking say hi.

I hug. I give gifts.

And I give you the attention as if

every day is Christmas, birthday,

Hanukkah, Kansura.

What's Kansura? What's the black one with the

Christmas?

Kwanzaa? Kwanzaa.

What'd I say? Kwanzaa? Kwanzaa.

It's like a Diet Coke spin-off. Kwanzaa.
Drink Kwanzaa? Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa.
What did I say? Kwanzaa-ra? Kwanzaa-ra. Yeah.
That's like a Diet Coke spin-off. Kwanzaa.
Drink Kwanzaa. Yeah.
Anyway. No, you are a good boy.
Thank you. And stop attacking him.
Stop attacking me. Go ahead.
From Andres, Jules, don't follow Tito Bobby's footsteps and you'll be fine. Happy birthday.
Oh, really? That's interesting to me. Oh, really?

The footsteps of success?

You guys have the same size shoes. Of glory?

Yeah.

You don't want the glory...

You don't want to go the glory road.

I didn't say that.

Glory road.

Andres said that.

Glory road.

Gold fucking pathway.

Like in the fucking Wizard of Oz.

What is that?

Follow the yellow brick road.

Yeah.

Golden brick road with you.

Yeah, and follow the yellow man on the yellow brick mall. Yellow man on the yellow brick mall.
Yeah, yeah. Just follow anything yellow.
This wall is long. Well, it's the Wall of China, so it's very long.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else is in there? And then to Andrew.
What'd I say? Dirty. That's right.
Booxy. Booty.
Dirty Booty Rudy. Dirty Booty Rudy.
Which I thought today is a great nickname and I'm going to keep saying it now. Dirty Booty Rudy.
There she goes. Dirty Booty Rudy.
Love you, Jules. Happy 21st.
Very nice and very simple. Didn't have to take shots at you.
I just said happy birthday. These guys both took shots.
I understand that. You see what I mean? These guys took shots at you.
That's why... Did I? You're one of my best friends.
Love you. That's why there's trust involved.
Love you. And there's a connection that you can't fucking ever suffer.
And these guys? fucking ever And these guys Pieces of shit Pieces of shit Yeah these guys are right here Dude this is like If we were in our If we were in war Right You and I front lines Alright Andreas You hit the wall Right And we turn around He's You can see his back He's running He's running Yeah In Forrest Gump. In Forrest Gump.
Yeah. Right? If I was, who's that guy? Bubba.
Bubba. If I was Bubba, Bubba, and they were with him, Bubba would be left out there.
Dead. With no legs.
That's right. I'm dead.
Okay? That's what you are, dude. Sorry.
Go ahead. All right.
How old is 14? How many years of school are you in? You know whatrest did Forrest took his idea I'm an A let the Forrest Gump thing go I'm so passionate I know I'm so passionate I know let me just get this idea alright one second let me get this Forrest Gump thing go alright because it got me like really emotional about it are we still at war no we're not at war no It's just a fucking idea that I thought that I had. Go, go, go.
I'm just saying that like, you know, Forrest Gump, right? He took Bubba Gump's idea about the shrimp and shit. Yeah.
Made money off it and then sent fucking the money to his mom. Mom.
They would have stole the idea. Yep.
Right? Yep. Never given credit to fucking the guy.
Nope. Right? And made all the money.

That's right.

And never gave it to the mom or whatever.

Anyway,

sorry,

I got that off.

No,

I like it.

You guys got anything to say?

Do you have anything

to say for yourself?

Yeah,

yeah.

That's true.

I mean,

there's other movies I could do.

There's other movies I could do,

but I'm not going to do it.

Did you see the Indian version

of Forrest Gump?

What?

What?

What?

There is.

There's an Indian version

of Forrest Gump. When you say Indian, you mean Indian India.
Or native Indian. Not native.
Not native. Yeah.
India. Indian Forrest Gump? Indian Forrest Gump.
Forrest Gump, man. If it's called Forrest Gump, man.
Run, Forrest Run. Run, Forrest Run.
It's called Lai Singh Chada. Lai Singh Chada.
That's not Forrest Gump, man. It is.
It's in about, click on it. Click on the Wikipedia right there.
Lai Singh Chada, it just came out, huh? Okay, if Forrest Gump isn't in the description, it's not. Go ahead, read it.
Zoom, zoom. Zoom, zoom.
Okay, zoom in. It's an Indian, Lali Singh Chada is an Indian Hindi language comedy drama directed by Affidavit Chandan Adavit Adviat Chandan and a screenplay Eric Roth and Atul Kamani produced by Amir Khan blah blah blah it is a remake of the 1994 American film Forrest Gump which itself is an adaptation of the novel The Same by the Name from Winston Groom the film stars stars Amir Khan and the title character alongside Kareena Kapoor.
We have to watch it then. We gotta watch it.
But is there like is it the same exact story? Yeah, it's the same. Well, let me get this straight.
Look at the poster. Let him get it straight.
Go ahead. What? Can I get this straight? So in Forrest Gump, right, there's flashback scenes or whatever of Forrest with, you know what I mean, JFK.

Yeah.

So there's going to be an Indian guy next to JFK?

I guess.

You know what I mean?

I don't get it.

Well, let's watch the trailer.

There's an Indian guy in the Vietnam War.

Not the Vietnam War.

It's their war.

Oh, it's – okay.

Yeah.

It's their Vietnam.

It's their Vietnam, which is what?

I don't remember.

I'm so not educated.

Oh, same feather. I'm so not educated.
Oh, same feather. It's funny.
Oh, my God. Push pause.
Push pause. Oh, my God.
I love it. I do, too.
It's so weird. Let's see.
Come on. In fact, India should remake all the movies.
I think they do. I think they actually do.
So is there like an Indian version of like a taxi driver? Everything. Everything.
Everything. Oh, I love it.
I love it. Bollywood makes everything.
And they make like 10 times the films that we make in a year. That's amazing.

Go, keep playing.

Let's see the last.

That's amazing.

Rupa is Jenny. Say no, Rupa.
Stop. Stop for a second.
Wow. They can change it to cricket.
It doesn't have to be ping pong, right? You can change it to cricket. What you know.
He could have been cricket. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is wild. I got to be honest with you.
It looks beautiful. Honestly? Like, I want to see it.
I'm crying. Yeah, I am too.

I am too.

I want to see it.

I'm like really emotional about it.

Well, I guess we have to watch this movie.

We have to watch this movie.

We understand the assignment.

Tonight, we're watching the movie.

Did you see it?

Half of it.

It's on Netflix?

Wait, did you see the original?

Yeah, you let me watch it.

I let you?

Yeah.

Like you're fucking, you know what I mean?

What do you mean?

Parole officer?

What do you mean? I let you. I remember you said, we.
You know what I mean? What do you mean? Parole officer. What do you mean?

I let you.

I remember you said we have to watch Forrest Gump tonight.

Yeah.

Oh, that's right.

Because you had never seen it.

Yeah.

And I forced you to watch it.

Where did you see it?

On Netflix?

This one.

Yeah.

Netflix.

Oh, we got to watch it then.

Yeah, we do have to watch it.

It's going to say something, though.

Yeah.

There's no way it's there's just certain things in the movie that wouldn't make any sense.

Like what? Like what? Well, for instance, like he learned like as a kid, Elvis. Is there a Bollywood singer that he learns that...
I'm willing to bet my money there is. Doesn't the kid teach Elvis how to do the little jive? He dances.
There's a Bollywood actor there that he looks up. Oh, really? And then that Bollywood stole it from him, that move, and then became famous? Okay, they got that down.
We have to see it. What's another thing that you think? Well, he didn't play football.
He went to the University of Alabama. But they do rugby out there, no? Well, yeah, but it didn't look like any...
Does he do that in the film at all? He just races. Oh, he just races.
Oh, track and field. Track and field.
By the way, luckily there's no black guys in this movie. would have been Right by this guy Is there a disease that she has that's not HIV Is that something else I didn't finish it yet Probably malaria What do they have out there They actually don't even say it They allude to the fact that she got sick which was up for speculation and apparently that's a social uh uh social guess they never once say that she has hiv yeah why do we think it's because she was a heroin addict she was an intravenous drug user we watched her use intravenous drugs and then she said she got sick so our assumption was it was hiv but it might not have been oh that's true okay isn't that isn't that the whole isn't that like the whole thing yeah I think it was a social perception that we thought that's what it was that's interesting because there are scenes with her intravenously using drugs so we assume oh well she probably got AIDS that's the time period lined up right huh but she could have just had fucking cancer I don't think it was AIDS you want to go I want AIDS yeah you want it I like the you want it to be that one.
I like the AIDS, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's two AIDS movies for Tom Hanks, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He came out after Philadelphia.
Yeah, back to back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But also, if it was HIV, he would have got it because they slept together when he had a kid with her. That's true.
That is true. So it's not HIV.
Maybe he's, oh boy. Go ahead.
Well, maybe some people are immune. Or maybe...
What's the matter? No, my throat's just really full. Your what? My throat.
Your throat is what? Really full. Full of what? Full.
Yeah, full of... Oh, so you want to spit somewhere? Yeah.
Well, get up and do it. Yeah, you're allowed to leave.
You don't have to... Yeah, this is not a, she still thinks she's in school.
I know, no, this is crazy. By the way, 14? She's 14.
What year is that? That's why I asked before. What grade is that? She's in eighth grade.
Is this show okay for an eighth grader? I don't think so. She's super sophisticated.
I know she feels like older than you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's sophisticated. And my mom talks a lot of nasty things.
Her mom's nasty. Nasty shit.
Like pure nast. Why couldn't she come to this? She won't talk.
Well, because I would rather have... She's scared.
Oh, she is. Yeah, yeah.
And she's not. A 14-year-old.
No, she did Tiger Bell, and she was awesome. It's unbelievable.
Yeah, yeah. We'll chat her up when she gets back, when her throat is not so full.
Anyway, Forrest Gump, check it out, the Indian one. We'll watch it.
We're going to watch it. Yeah, yeah.
By the way, tell her not to use the phrase, my throat is full.

It's just weird.

How many girls say that to me?

My throat is full.

Oh, boy.

No, they have.

Well, I'm saying the way she said it sounded weird.

You could just say, I need to spit.

It's like being like, my butt is full.

It's like, just say you have to poop.

Oh, shit.

That's true.

Yeah, I don't need to know that your throat is full. Maybe that's how they say it out there, though.

My throat is full. Yeah, my throat is full.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, spit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. My butt is full.
Yeah. Yeah, the poo.
Like a woman that just has a baby is like, my tits are full, and they have to have, I need to milk. My tits are full.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.
I saw a movie last night, by the way. Tell me.
One of the name. The second best movie I've seen this year.
I've seen two phenomenal movies.

What are the movies?

Everything Everywhere All at Once.

That was a great movie.

It probably should win everything, in my opinion.

Fuck you, fancy.

Roll your fucking eyes.

It's good.

You'll never make a movie that good.

That's a fact.

That's a fact.

You'll never make a movie that good.

All right.

Can I tell you?

Okay, so this movie,

this Everything Everywhere All at Once,

and the movie I watched last night

is unequivocally the best movie I've seen in fucking years. The Triangle of Sadness.
Oh, I already know that. It is so good.
Really good. Okay, last night.
It is not really good. It is phenomenal.
Okay, last night. Check it out.
So good. Don't even show me.
Last night, I was having dinner with David King and Gene Hong, writers. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. And they they go did you see that movie yet and you gotta go watch it now and i go it's gonna be i'll i'll watch it streaming nope i know go everyone's telling me to watch this fucking movie this movie is a satire about rich people right well okay so first of all if you ever if you ever see the movie force majeure he did this did you guys see force majeure no you've never seen force majeure oh my god i don't like the way you talk down to me no i'm busy man no you're not no you're not they did an american they did an american month with will ferrell and and and uh um yeah what's wrong and i don't want to see julie i don't want to see that one i want to see the original one and let me tell you something that okay force majeure i want to see this this was force majeure the original one.
And let me tell you something. Okay.
Force Majeure. I want to see this.
This was Force Majeure. The original.
The one by the Swedish guy. Is so fucking funny.
But the comedy is why I like this other movie that you'll love. Because it is small.
Very dark. It's super dark.
His comedy is not like Will Ferrell is like. It's a terrible.
That is not at all what his kind of comedy is so when they remade it the movie bombed because nobody wanted to see that kind of dark twisted comedy from a you know he's like a prat guy americans ruin everything every every good international comedy we fuck up that's for sure when i was on this show splitting up together it was based based on a Danish show. Yeah.
Right. The Danish show was so funny.
Masturbation jokes, people cheating. It was like because the comedy is like specific and real.
Same thing with clown. You guys ever see Cloven? That movie clown where the guy.
Oh, I love that. So good.
So good. But we tried to do it here.
They did. Yeah.
Bombed. Bombed miserably.
Yeah. That movie was so good.
So this movie, Force Majora, I highly recommend everyone go watch it. It's online.
It's about a couple, a husband and wife, who experience a fucking avalanche while on a ski trip with their family, and everything goes to shit. Meanwhile, his new movie, I cannot recommend enough, Triangle of Sadness, is about a fucking group of people on a...
Oh, God, how do I do this without giving anything away? It's a group of people on a,

oh God,

how do I do this without giving anything away?

It's a group of people on an,

on an international yacht.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But there's so much subset to this.

I get it.

There's so much beautiful commentary about money,

society,

class,

class rules,

our social norms,

what we,

what's acceptable,

what's not beauty.

And also rest in peace,

Charles B.

Dean,

that girl on the left that's on the poster.

It's her and this guy,

Harris Dickinson,

which let me, Charles B. Dean,

that girl on the left

that's on the poster.

It's her and this guy,

Harris Dickinson,

which, let me say one more thing,

is the hottest redhead

I've ever seen in my life.

It's the role that I wanted.

He's who I want to be.

I'll never be.

I want to see if Triangle of Sad

is playing tonight now.

You have to.

Now I'm going to watch it.

Let me just look.

Click on this guy, though.

Look at how hot this guy is.

This is the first redhead I've seen lead a film. And fuck, is he hot.
Look at him with his shirt off. This is in the movie.
Look at how hot this guy is. He's okay.
He's so hot. Girls, he's a good-looking guy.
He's hot. And he's a redhead.
I was so proud. I was proud the whole film.
But anyway, go back to the posters. He did get 69% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Is that good or bad? Don't care. Fuck that fuck that whole site okay charl b dean right there on the left the girl in the chair who plays opposite of of harris passed away this year uh and is so good in this fucking movie honestly oh i know there's a comedy podcast but i gotta tell you rest in peace to this girl she would have had a fucking unbelievable career moving forward the movie was it showcased how good she was.
She was so funny, so cool, so funny, so sexy, so like quick. Her, her acting was impeccable.
I think they both killed it. You saw it.
Yeah. It's so good.
It's so fucking good. And Woody Harrelson, although he's in it for a short stint, you know, crushes.
He does exactly what he does. Yeah.
Listen, I'm so sorry I attacked you. Maybe you will direct a movie that, you to be as good as...
No, he won't. I know you won't.
No, he won't. He won't, but come on.
Let's be more positive. You could.
He won't. Definitely won't.
I'll tell you why you won't. Because you can't give it up to that movie.
Yeah, that's right. Your mind is closed.
That's right. Right? Open it.
Open it up. See the world.
And racist. Why? Because there's Asians in it? Check yourself.
Can I tell you something? I know that one day he will direct a fucking, an amazing film. Right.
And guess what? What? He'll never talk to us again. Don't, I mean.
Don't even get me started. He'll never talk to us again.
I've had dreams about this fucking guy. He'll go off and then he won't answer our phone calls.
He won't even... Dude, this is exactly what happened.
You know it. This is what will happen.
We'll walk down the street. Hey, Andreas.
He won't even look at us. Oof.
Right? It'll have his bodyguard step in front of us. Excuse me, please.
Excuse me, please. Mr.
Andreas doesn't want this. Yeah, yeah.
He used to... No, no.
He doesn't know. He wants to talk to you.
Please, please. And then, guess what happens?

What happens?

We assassinate you.

No, we go after your daughter.

Oh, shit.

Oh, right.

Yes, exactly.

Your daughter's being born?

Yep. Watch it, dude.

We're going to kidnap her.

We're not going to hurt her.

No, no, but it's, well, we're trying to create another movie theme for him.

Oh, right, right, right, right.

I have a very specific set of skills.

Yeah.

You're going to become, what's it called?

Liam Neeson?

Yeah.

What is the movie?

Why can't I think of it?

Take it, take it.

What is the Spanish version? What's the word take it? How do you say take in Spanish? Sequestrada. Ooh.
Taken. Taken.
We're not saying that. We still got to say take it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beespo Post.
Box of Awesomes are my favorite. It's the best gift for Christmas.
Yeah, that's a good thing to do. If you want to do it for yourself, you can also do it for someone else.
To get started, all you have to do is go to boxofawesome.com and your answer is going to help them pick the right box of awesome for you. You pick the quiz.
Yeah, well, it's like a questionnaire. Yeah, and the box at boxofawesome.com and your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you.
It's pretty incredible. What happens is this box of awesome, if you're curious to know what it is, it's a specialty curated box sent right to your front door they have a bunch of different stuff inside i just got another box and them shout out i got a gadget box the multi-tool comes with the military tools that you can use around the house they're field proven by the u.s special forces and they also have sent me uh multiple different uh canisters and uh drink carts i've gotten them.
I've also gotten, yeah, the cask, which is the barrel, which ages whiskey. It's incredible.
The aged one's cool. The aging kit is from Black Swan Cooperage, a father-daughter duo located in the heart of Minnesota Northwoods.
The glasses are hand-blown from Italian crystal glass. It's pretty incredible.
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All right, so let's find out more about you. Okay.
Is your throat full still? No. No.
Why did you say it that way? That's how you say it overseas? Like what way? My throat is full. Yeah.
Well, you don't say. He's going to move the mic towards you like sister, like sister.
She still has it far away from her. You have to talk into the mic.
Okay. Yeah.
Okay.

A little closer maybe? Uh-huh. She's so nice.
She's so nice.

She's so nice. Yeah, yeah.
So

do you people...

What?

Do you and your friends back home say

my throat is full when you need to spit?

Is that what everybody says? That's what

I say. I don't think it's weird.
Have you ever said that?

Is that weird? No. What are you supposed to say? Can I spit? I need to spit.
I think that's way too straightforward. Maybe that is.
Maybe it's gross. I think we should start changing the way we say stuff.
Yeah, it's a little, okay. My throat is full, but that still doesn't give us what you want to do.
No, I think it's pretty clear. No, it's a statement, right full.
My throat is full and I could just basically go, good, good job. I don't know what that means.
Congratulations. My stomach is full and you go, okay.
Good to know. What did you eat? Everything apparently.
Yeah, so your throat is full. Oh, my throat is full.
Oh, what's in your mouth? What's it full of? Spit. Cool.
I mean, it doesn't give me a direction. Yeah, I don't know that you need to spit.
It's more like, I need to spit. I need to spit.
Right? Like, your butt is full. I need to shit.
Yes. Say, I need to...
You could always say, like, hey, I have a big... What do you call them? You always call them.
Not loogie, but what's the other one? Chogies. Chogies.
Yeah, chogies. Great.
Now, what do they call in the Philippines the thick kind of spit? Spit with snot in it. What's that called? Klima.
Klima. Klima.
Oh, man. It's called Klima? Klima.
Yeah. Klima.
Klima? Klima. Klima.
C-L-E-M-A. Klima.
That's a cool name. What are you looking at? You're looking at your knives, bud? Yeah.
You want to tell everyone and do show and tell with your knives? This is fruit and vegetable set yeah and i'm excited about it say thank you to fancy and p thank you andres also i've never seen you cut anything in the house like vegetables or fruit so don't pretend you're gonna fucking be using that shit okay here's another thing okay right you fucked up our dog our dog julio is no yeah yeah you know let's get that let's get this out out in the open

okay let's get this out in the open, okay? Let's get this out in the open. I'm very concerned about you, okay? Our dog, Julio, wants to eat your mom and your sister, right? And it's chaos.
I woke up today with barking and howling. I've had enough of it, right? So why did you molest the dog as a baby? Because there's something fucked up about it.
I didn't. No.
Yeah, yeah. What did you do with it then? Nothing.
Why is it like that? I don't know because his brain is underdeveloped. Oh.
Yeah. Oh, I see.
It's underdeveloped. How do you know that? Because that's what I think Alilah said.
Because he took Julio to a trainer.

And then the trainer said that.

Oh, yeah.

The trainer did say it was underdeveloped.

It seems like a constant theme in that house.

Underdeveloped brains.

Underdeveloped brains?

In that whole house.

I feel like that's...

The whole house is filled with underdeveloped brains.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think we are underdeveloped.

Oh, my God, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, wait.

You...

I didn't molest him.

You promise?

I promise.

Say, I promise I did. Did you hit him? No.
Did you push him down and he fell down the stairs when he was young? No. Are you sure? No.
And also, I took care of Julio when he was a baby for like two months and then I went back to the Philippines and then when I came back, he was already crazy. No.
Oh, I love it. I love what you're saying.
I'm putting it on you. I love it.
I love what you're saying. I love what you're trying to do, right're saying I love what you're trying to do Right I'm gonna say this No Right in your face Okay Let me say something right now Okay You fucked up that fucking Puppy Right Yeah you did And let me say this too And me and Issa took care of it Yeah Not just me Now think about it now You two girls Right You know what you guys Are reminding me of right now Right Filipinoina versions of the fucking two girls in The Shining.
Oh, yeah. All right? And that's what you are right now.
Yeah, you kind of look like them too. Yeah, yeah.
You ever seen The Shining? No. Look at them right there.
That's them. That's you two.
This is you two right now. That's who you should have been for Halloween.
This is what you two are right now, right, dude? And I don't fucking... You're just getting the shit out of me.
Instead of that hotel, where would it be though? Well? Well, okay. I just gave you a song.
You didn't swing. Why didn't you swing at that? Yeah.
The audience knows. Yeah.
That is you guys. That's you guys right there.
Because you guys sound similar. You talk in the same, you have the same intonation when you talk.
Yeah. And that's just like these little creepy girls.
Like I bet you if I can say at the same time to say a number one through ten, you'll say the same number. No? Okay, on the count of three, say the number one through, whichever number you're thinking, one through ten.
One, two, three. Four.
Okay, never mind. That didn't work.
It did not work. That didn't work.
It did not work. That was crazy.
We can do it again. Ready? Yeah.
Okay. Wait, we should look at each other.
No, no. It's got to be just telepathic.
You just have to know. Yeah, yeah.
You have to know that you're both thinking the same number at the exact same time. You're both sisters.
You're blood. There's a connection.
Bobby and I have the same connection. What about one second glance? Yeah.
Andrew, we do? We have the same connection. Ready? Yeah.
One, two, three. Nine.
Whoa. That's you and I.
One, two, three. Three.
Wait, you did something. No, we didn't.
Do it again. No, we can't do it again.
It's a one. One, two, three.
It connects it, all right? All right? All right. All right, ready? One, two, three.
Five. No! Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
Now you guys do it. One, two, three.

Nine.

You're happy.

You know what happened?

All right.

We can do it.

Are you ready?

We can do it.

One, two, three.

Two.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

That's why this show is good.

That's why we're connected.

And we should take that to Vegas.

Dude, that was good.

I can't fucking believe it.

We might reconnect. That was really good.
You want to try again? Yeah, you ready? One, two, three, six. No! In your face.
In your face. We're so good.
We're good. We are very good.
Are you blown away? You guys blown away on our talent? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it now that she can legally drink? Which one? What? Not the 14 year old.
Can I give her a shot of whiskey? Can you have a shot of whiskey? Yeah. Do you want one? Yeah.
I'm gonna get her one. She drove here though.
I drove here. Let her drive.
She doesn't have a license. Dude, it's LA.
You can't do a whiskey. Fuck.
different. Yeah, you can't do that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why can't she drive? Oh, yeah.
She gets a DUI, runs over a baby. Can you imagine? Yeah, yeah, no.
She crashes into a restaurant, kills 35 people. One shot.
One shot. No, you know what? We'll have one soon.
I promise. I promise you and I'll have one.
Isa, have you been drunk before? You know that's, yes. Can I? Yeah, talk on the mic.
Yeah, I have. Three or four times? Did you get drunk at 14? I did math at 11.
What are you talking about? Yeah, now that I'm thinking about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then have you done any other drugs? No. No.
Okay. Not even smoke weed? No.
No. Have you smoked a cigarette? No.
Wow. Can I bring up something personal? Okay.
And we cut it off if you don't like it, right? Okay. What are you looking at? What? No, what? I just looked behind you because the picture fell.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.
Yeah, so can I bring up something personal? Yeah. You want to do the number thing again? Try it.
One, two, three. Seven.
Oh, my God. Anyway, so let me ask you.
Wow. Wow.
What? Do it again. Do it again.
No. I want to see.
I want to see.

We can't do it.

We can't do it.

No, do it again.

No, no.

We're not going to do it again.

You don't tell us what to do.

We do it when we do it.

We do it when we do it.

Let Bobby ask the question.

We do it when we do it.

Let me ask you a question, right?

God.

Can I ask this thing personal to you, right?

Yeah.

Can I ask something personal?

Yeah.

Here's the personal thing.

Okay.

You went through a dark time, right?

You had bleached your hair.

You got depressed.

Yeah.

Are you through that phase?

Yeah, mostly. Okay.
You're happy now. You're happy now.
What was making you depressed? It's mostly self-image. Oh, no.
That makes me sad. Wait, why? But you lost a bunch of weight.
You cleaned up your act. You're getting great grades, I heard.
And I just feel like you've changed. Because we were worried about you during the pandemic.
You're going that anime style. Right? You love the anime, right? Yeah.
More than her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She learned Japanese. Did you really? She speaks something in Japanese.
Ni hao. Which one's that? I don't know.
That's not hello. I don't know.
Go ahead. What do you want me to say? Anything.
Did I say anything? No. I always want to say it.
It sounds like you could say something. I need it up.
I'm done. You got to throw in one.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Say, I'm so happy to be here.
Fuck. That's wild.
That's incredible. A 14-year-old knows Japanese.
She's not even American. Look at how good English she is.
I know. That's insane.
Well, that's also because these people are always around, right? What's these people? These people. You.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, she's been living with us for three...
They haven't seen each other. I know, but you taught her English.
How did you learn English? Through school. They have school by you guys? I'm kidding I'm kidding Yeah Bobby what are you talking about? Of course he knows fucking English Everybody has fucking English in school now One, two, three, eight Oh my god You did the hand thing What hand thing? You did that No I didn't Where? No wait I get it No cause you went from five And then you went six And then seven and 8 No we didn't No we didn't Yes you did Okay do it again No we didn't Again No we didn't No we're not doing it again You don't own this show We're not doing it again This is our show Yeah Okay You don't bully us I wanna go back Let's talk So So You were depressed before No longer depressed Sometimes But the body image I'm being genuine when I ask this.
Is it because of people in school are fucking mean kids? Was that why? No. Not really.
It was just all you? Yeah. It's just my thoughts.
It's just me fighting myself. I don't like that.
I don't like it either. I'm glad that you're feeling better.
Yeah. But I'm glad you went through it early because you were like 11, 12, 13 when you went through it, now you're out of it i feel like yeah i would honestly when i saw you in the philippines and i and i and we started talking and stuff and we went we had some great meals did we not yeah oh my god we went some great fucking dinners man and you know and hanging out with you i really was like i felt comforted in the fact that you're bright you're smart you're getting good grades.
I think you're cool. And I think the knowledge that you have in terms of art and anime, all that stuff is legit.
And I don't know why your sister is not like you. You know what I mean? But that's, I guess, genetics.
Different dads. Different dads.
Different dads. Different dads.
Your dad's a lawyer, right? And my dad was a drug addict. Yeah, exactly.
A lawyer and a liar. Yeah, yeah.
Your dad is still a lawyer? He's a prosecutor now. Vanilla prosecutions.
So are you going to come to the States? She's here now. No, I mean to live, to live, to live.
You're visiting right now. I want to.
You do. We were trying to work out a thing where she went to school here for a year, right? And it didn't work out.
Maybe next year. Do you want to do it next year? Sure.
Would you want to do college here or no? Yeah. You do? You'd rather do college here then? Honestly, I just want to try living here because I have this plan with my friend.
We're going to live... She's going to college in Canada.
Yeah, and if I'm going to college here in LA, we're planning to live in either LA or Canada. Where? In Vancouver? Is that where she goes? She's not sure yet.
She wants to live somewhere where there's potato corner. Sorry? Potato corner.
What the fuck is that? What's a potato corner? It's like a french fry place in the Philippines. Wait, wait, wait.
Oh my god. We have to rewind.
We have to rewind. Okay, stop, stop, stop.
Your friend's gonna leave the Philippines to come to North America. They have to have a potato corner.

Yeah.

Okay, let me just say something.

Let me say it.

Okay, what I'm saying is... We have fries, too.

Yeah, we have great fries.

Yeah, we have great fries, too.

But potato fries are the best.

Yeah.

What do you think our fries are made out of?

Huh?

Asparagus?

Potato, too.

All right?

There is the potato corner.

Is that what you're talking about?

Yeah.

Yeah.

The world's best French fries? Uh-huh. I don't know.
I can't. Impossible.
Let me see. Where are they located? Yeah, where are they located? I've never heard of potato corner.
No, because it's so weird because apparently they're adding a Filipino-like language to studying in Canada, but they only have like one potato corner in Canada from what I heard. Who the fuck? Who gives a...

Where is the one? Where is that, Pete?

Is there one in LA, man? Is there one in LA?

No, it's right there.

There's one in Americana. Potato corner.

In the Americana in Glendale?

Yeah.

How come this doesn't show that in California, Pete?

Looking for the one in Canada.

Well, zoom in. It's a dot.
I see the dot.

Zoom, zoom, more. Go in.
That's in Winni in Winnipeg I think no it just says no locations found oh so find the one let me see the one go down to the one in California let me see if there's one out here for real we have to go we have to go I feel like I want to go now yeah me too oh here we go there's a bunch there's a bunch of potato corners. Oh, there is.
There's like 10 of them in LA.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, now we can prove this theory here.

We're going to go.

We're going to go.

So there's one in Pasadena.

There's one.

Okay, good.

Yeah.

Let me ask you about potato corner.

Okay.

If you closed your eyes, right, and I gave you a French fry from In-N-Out.

I gave you a French fry from. I haven't had In-N- from i haven't had in and out mcdonald's you've never had in and out uh no and i gave you a french fry from potato corner you would be you'd be able to differentiate between the three yeah because a potato corner has different flavors and like show me the menu it's better flavors show me they have sour cream You mean dips? No.
Look, original. Like powder.
Tater tots, Jojo chips, loopy fries or curly fries, and sweet potato, which we call, also they're cut into waffle. Those are waffle fries.
Right. Look at the third.
Pick your flavor. Pick.
It's a powder. Yeah.
So it's barbecue, cheddar, sour cream, onion, chili, so it's just powdered fries. Yeah.
So what's great about the fries is the powder. It's the powder.
It's not the fries. Not the fry.
That's right. What do you mean? Don't shake your head like that.
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Do more with Viator. So this is the arrival video of your sister and your mom.
This is your coming to America. Now, you don't know.
It was a surprise. No, I didn't know.
So the day before, me and Claudia go, we got you a present. And you try to guess what it is.
Yeah, and then you said something big and brown.

Yeah, it's big and brown.

You know what I mean?

She's like, is it a couch?

You know what I mean? She doesn't know.

Show me a lie.

Big and brown.

So then this is a surprise.

You have no idea what's happening right now.

No.

Okay, go play it.

Who's filming this?

Good camera work.

Kalilah.

Surprise!

Oh, Rudy. Look at how happy that Rudy is.
Thank you. Oh, Rude.
Rudy, she's crying. So sweet.
Rude. how happy were you to see your mom and you didn't hug her though your arms were still by your side that is very sweet honestly that's very sweet thank you Tito Bobby thank you Tito Bobby it's not genuine thank you Tito Bobby it's not genuine it sucks Thank you, Tito Bobby.
It's not genuine. That was, thank you,

Tito Bobby.

It's not genuine.

Yeah,

try it again.

It sucks.

Thank you,

Tito Bobby.

That felt good.

That felt better.

One more time.

Thank you.

One more time,

but do it this time with,

be like very honest.

And also,

not only that,

throw in at the end,

I love you.

Yeah. That would be nice yeah okay thank you tito bobby i love you uh one two three one told you it's amazing we are so you have to do it without your hands we didn't have our fucking hands no put it back put it back what are you talking about you're such a bully just do it one more for my birthday 12 of them first of all he brought he brought your fucking sister and your mom here yeah for your birthday and you're asking us to give you more gifts you spit on the cake so we couldn't even have covid cake yeah yeah, yeah.
We'll do it one more time. Okay, hide your hands.
Hide, hide. One, two, three.
Four! I mean... I mean, we did...
Dude, we're like fucking... Vegas, dude.
We are Vegas. Oh, one more, one more.
No, no, no, no. One more, no.
I don't know how many times we have to do it. I don't know how many times Just eat your cake.
Eat your cake, man. Can I get a slice of cake or what? No, it's COVID cake.
I don't care. I'm sick too.
All right. But you guys go eat cake in the front room.
What's up, big dog? Introduce the guest Matt Bronger. We will.
We will in a second, but I'm going to say Matt Bronger. Yes, sir.
Yeah. Okay.
Who are you? Donald Trump? I'm going to introduce him. You don't say it.
I get to say it. Matt Bronger.
Let me just say something, okay? I was on a TV show called Mad TV. Yes.
I was on it for eight years. And the last two years, was it the last two years or the last year? Year.
The last year I was on the show. Yeah.
I canceled the show. We canceled the show.
Me and you? Yeah, Matt Bronger did. Matt Bronger was a cast member on my eighth season of Mad TV.
It was a real joy to work with you. I loved working with you, Matt working with really talented guy and we got to know each other real fast i remember this is how comfortable i got with you where you sat across from me and you took your pants off while i was eating lunch and i was like i don't need to see your dick and balls man i'm eating a salad and we both started laughing so hard and i don't know why but did the salad have any meat in it what's that did the salad it didn't well that It didn't.
No. That's why it's acceptable.
You got to fill the void. Yeah.
Did I really do that? Yes. And you, I remember I wrote a sketch that did really well.
And we all went out for a drink, the whole cast, after this taping. And you were like, come outside with me.
And I was like, what? And you're like, you're fucked. And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, they love you.
You're going to be on this show for another six years like me.

I hate my life, Bronger.

And you walked back in the bar.

And I couldn't tell how serious or not you were.

Alex Borstein said the same thing to me.

One sketch, she goes, you're fucked. And I go, why?

You're going to be on this miserable show for five or six years.

And I just had to say that to him.

And you were right. I was right.
How many years did you do? I was on and it got canceled. That was it.
No, no, it was literally the opposite. I remember they canceled the show on my day off.
I remember Eric Price called me and my agent called me. They're like, yeah, they just called everybody into the big room.
And I was like, fuck, that sucks. But I wasn't there big time just looking around at all those carpenter you know people doing real work was their actual i was real work yeah to make a show run camera people and they're just like it was terrible man this is my gig what was that fox it was fox fox yeah what a fucking bummer though you know that's the thing i think america doesn't understand is like when things get canceled, there is no outline on how it gets done.

They literally... bummer that well you know that's the thing i think america doesn't understand is like when things get canceled uh there is no um uh uh outline on how it gets done they literally are like oh fuck off they walk off and that's it fuck you right off uh to your face i remember i talked to uh john cho after he got that show selfie he was on got canceled and i was like how are you doing he's like you know what man i wish just fucking once i could be on one fucking show where they walked up and said it's a hit it's a hit guys like he's like if i could in my lifetime i've never gotten that and that dude works so much davy yeah dave's a hit but it's funny because it's like it's we don't this is what's funny no matter what level we're at we're it's always a complainy thing because like yeah dave does well but they don't talk to us about.
So like, of course not. FX doesn't like say, hey, this is doing good.
Like, we're good. You guys are getting out of the season.
Nobody tells you shit. The only way you get to hurt, you hear something is when they go, hey, you're canceled.
Yes. They don't go, dude, this is awesome.
No, they just let you keep sneaking along going, are we good? Is everything good? Because that gives you power. know, that gives you negotiating power.
They're worried you're going to be like, I want more money. Yeah.
So it's just like, just keep it under wraps. But it is true.
They don't tell you when it's going good. The only way you know it's a hit is socially, you understand that people are like.
Can you imagine how good it would feel to get hired? And they're like, we're going to have you for three seasons. And then you get shot in the face.
And you're like, I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're going the street. But they're like, we actually are going to kill you.
No, we're serious. Have you seen this Oculus headset that some guy designed that kills you when you lose in the game? I saw the article, and I refused to read it, but tell me.
There is a game designer that tried to design this thing where when you die in the game, you die in real life. Oh, God.
No, really. This is a fucking VR headset that tries to kill you.
What James Bond movie was that? I think that was View to a Kill. View to die.
So go down. What does this say? Thanks to what? Zoom in.
Thanks to Palmer Lucky, there's a new way to die playing video games. He's founder of Oculus VR since left the organization organization creator of Oculus Rift has come up with a brand new piece of VR headset it can actually kill you if you die in the video game that's insane it's fake that's not real no it is actually real the idea is real but obviously there's no execution of it no someone tried it yeah I think the one guy that tried it probably then it stopped I think we had to kill it after that there he is laughing about making it this will kill somebody an innocent kid this white piece of shit you imagine you imagine like a family member why did you make it about whites it is hamburger come on of course it's a white one to kill people you guys man out of control first of all yeah listen it would kill a white guy but an as Asian guy designed it.
That's exactly right. Yeah, okay.
You came up with theme music. You guys come up with all the intricacies.
Yeah. We just have to put it to market.
Here's my question for you guys. Yeah.
A family member dies by this thing. Do you lie and say they died of auto-erotic asphyxiation? Yeah.
What's more embarrassing? Yeah, he was joking. A video game killed you, or you choked yourself to death jacking it? It depends on,otic asphyxiation is different though because I think belt against the door is kind of cool let me ask you something about that it doesn't feel that good it must Kung Fu died from it right in excess he died from it so big people have done it so it feel...
If you're selling out in excess 30,000, 50,000 seat arenas, right? And you're still having to do that, that must feel much way better. Yeah, probably.
Yeah, yeah. But also, you know, I think it's because you want...
We gotta try it! David Carradine. You want to get close to the edge.
That's all that is. Yeah, that's it.
And then pull back. And then stop.
Yeah. Would they have went too far? But that's why you always do it with a friend.
Matt comes over. Yeah, exactly.
We watch each other. It's just like when we do a ton of cocaine.
It's like, my left arm's numb. Can you take me to the hospital? Yeah.
You've got to do these things with a friend. You can't do it.
David Carradine was wearing a fishnet stock in a dark wig when his body was found in Bangkok. God damn it.
Look, a David Carradine book reveals incest. That's how you go out.
Yeah. A wig and fishnet.
Oh, wow. That's the song One Night in Bangkok.
That's what it's about. It's about dying in fishnet, choking yourself.
That's got to be part of the high, though, too, where like, oh, God, what if they found me? What if they found me? What if they found me? I better be wearing my good heels. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. I better be wearing my red bottoms.
Yes. I don't want to die in sneakers.
You got to have Jimmy Choo's on. Jimmy Choo's on, yeah.
Give me those Balenciagas on my feet, daddy. Really? If I'm going to die in drag, I better be wearing good fucking clothes when they find me.
You don't want to die in drag wearing cheap shit. Bag lady.
No. We found this bag lady upstairs.
No, you want to die in fashion? You want to die in Chanel. Look, if I wore Forever 21, I would not come here.
They would not have some nice stuff i know but if i were wearing a full-blown from head to toe forever 21 would not come to your funeral that'd be embarrassing yeah i'd be ashamed well no they wouldn't dress his body in that what do they what no they should dress you in what you were found in you should not get dressed up in like a suit when you die you should be whatever you died in that's how you that's what you go go. I like that as an ordinance.
People in an open casket just in their underwear. One sock.
Wouldn't you be naked doing that? No, dude. Who wears clothes? You wear a button front.
I wear a button front. That's what you wear.
I unbutton the front of my dress. I wear a sundress.
For me, if I were going to do that, I'd be naked. I know, but what you're missing is part of the fantasy is that they're role-playing this world of sex, and it's like, oh, they're doing something naughty and wrong.
So he's wearing clothes he doesn't usually wear. He's by himself in a full-blown fucking outfit.
His fucking neck is tied to a door. Yeah.
No one's around, and he cares about what he looks like? It's for him. I didn't know that him i didn't know that what if he had his kung fu outfit on yeah i mean that would have made some things are just for you yeah so bronger do you you you did a special what's it called it's called doug it's named after a terrible guy my wife and i met on vacation oh really yeah it's a theme then well because it has a story at the end that has like a big reveal where I have an audience member on stage and I take my pants off.
That's your bit. That's my bit.
That's your bit. I'm ripping you off.
You're stealing. Yes.
I'm also asking the booker if I can only do 20 minutes. I love how Bobby always does that.
Sold out house. They know.
Can I just do 15? No, Bobby. They know.
Everyone knows. I respect that so much.
I guess people know me. I love it.
They sure do. Yeah, people know me.
look at that that's the art for doug it's yeah so that's why it's all vacation themed and so it's it's like i i think you guys would agree men need good examples in our lives you know we also need bad ones and doug was a terrible example doug uh followed a dude down the beach insisting the guy played for the uh the n It was just a large black man. We were in the Caribbean.
Oh, wow. He got, every time I saw him, he was drunk and wet.
Every time. Yeah.
No matter what time of day it was. This is your bit.
You're Doug. You're Doug.
Yeah, it's Bobby before he got clean. Does this man know? You know, I don't know.
Yeah, he does. I don't know.
He knows. He's gonna.
Like, the whole special isn't about him.

It's about driving my kid across the country during the pandemic.

How many kids do you have now?

I didn't know that.

One, just one.

Oh, good.

Just one.

And I'm snipped.

And that happened after Matt TV, obviously.

Yeah, a long time after.

His kid is two years old.

He just had a baby.

Yeah, she's two.

Congratulations.

She's two.

Thank you, brother.

Appreciate it.

And yeah, so it's available. Where is it it i did moment other thing called moment house and then i then i did a vod and then i video on demand and then it's going to go to youtube just basically the first two installments were kind of just to pay for production and now i'm good now it's all paid for okay yeah so why why that road because i know that already did that road i know that schultz kind of did that that.
Oh, Schultz was my inspiration. Schultz made upwards of five or six million, last I counted.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did not, but I did fine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's like the Magellan of everything modern comedy in terms of promotion.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was like because of him, I was like, oh, why don't I try this? That's crazy.
But yeah. i'm glad i think that is a good like um road that you can take well it's a we're in the age of wild frontiers like you know you guys do this podcast it's insanely popular you know and i know you both individually and i never would have called it yeah no i know i really agree you're right you're right it's literally just doing shit till you something that works.
You guys together, you work great. You're both hilarious comedians.
I'm not bullshitting here. I'm not calling you dipshit assholes.
But it's like, it's just finding the thing that works. Will Doug work for me? I like it.
I think it's fun. Does Doug know that you're, did you change his name? No, his name was Doug.
Do you know him? No, never. We spent this weekend at the same resort, and they didn't have a lot of guests.

So him and his wife, we'd see almost every day. When you get, I shouldn't say unexpectedly, but when you get murdered, we know who did it.

I mean, he works in finance.

He probably has some dough.

Does he live here?

No, I have no idea where he lives.

Oh, wow, wow.

You better hope not.

You're definitely leaving breadcrumbs.

100%.

I didn't say his last name or what he looks like or anything. No, but you know what's so funny is there's two ways for this to be played out sure on his in his world uh-huh one he tells nobody because he doesn't want anybody to know this for the rest of time of course or two he tells everybody he meets that i am doug yes and like then it's a prideful thing he's like all funny.
I left out so much shit. Like there was, there was a beach bar that was in a hollowed out boat.
It was just dug into the sand. And there was a large black man named Elvis who bartended there every night.
And it was great. You just sit on the edge of the boat and you'd have your beer or whatever.
And Doug would go and Doug would just be, I won't even say like passed out. He would go sleep.
He'd go sleep on the bar. And like people would take pictures in front of him.
Yeah, yeah. And the next day him and his wife be laughing like, ah, that's me.
And I'm like, you have a problem. Like Doug.
Oh, wow. The thing is, it's like no self-awareness.
I think it's important to not have self-awareness as comedians where we need to get out of our heads and just be like, I'm going to do my silly bullshit. And you're going to, you know, like I love how Bobby just comes out and just says something on his mind, like something was backstage that was fucking with him and it's just, it kills.
It's the funniest shit, you know, I try to get more into that style and shit, but like, you know, when it comes to you, you only have one life, you know, and like, you have to be aware of what you're ingesting. Well, Doug is doing it for what it's worth.
Doug is living that one life he has. He's doing the best he possibly can.
Also, I do think Doug should be a supplement, if not a replacement, for when you're too fucked up. It's like, dude, you're so Doug right now.
Matt, you're a good actor, too. Are you doing other things or no? Yeah.
Well, the thing is, I'm always going in for stuff. Right.
I mean, it's like I kind of laugh about how I'm that person that has gotten so close, like a lot. Yeah.
And it's like I'm happy and stuff. And I have my little moments where I just go, God damn it.
What is this kind of thing? Yeah. But thankfully, I have stand up.
Yeah. I have my wife and my kid.
I don't know how people like if I was just an actor and they brought me in uh twice and tested over the course of a year uh and all but offered got me the the lead in a showtime series and then david schwimmer expressed interest and it was gone yeah yeah if all i had was acting i would i don't know what i would do is that what really happened oh yeah i would immolate would immolate. What was that on? It didn't go anywhere.
It was an all. That happens all the time.
Me and Heather Campbell improvised an entire sitcom. Well, listen up, ladies and gentlemen of YouTube world and podcast land.
Go watch Doug right now. Matt Brogert.
He's like so funny. He's a guy that I've known.
You sound sad when you're saying it. Like say it happier.
No. I mean, thank you.
Yeah, do it your way. You're right.
You're like, listen, guys. It just sounds like you're at gunpoint.
Give me another action. And action.
Hold on. Sounds big.
That felt big. That felt big.
So forced. Little sound.
And also you've got a good amount of cake in your teeth you have like a good cake tooth on your left side which I'm cool with alright and action seriously guys honestly though it's wonderful it's good to be here what's it called I gotta get into the rhythm of it yeah I feel it yeah that's what it is so don't even like I love it I love everything I i love this honestly guys i love this guy he's he's a guy that i've known for a very long time he's a part of our group right yeah he's um a killer on stage i've worked with him on a tv show he's amazing um great actor great stand-up and the reason why he's on this podcast promoting is because we really want to help this guy because he's one of the best. Oh, man.
And we love him so much. Why do you keep looking at me? Look at the camera.
And honestly, we never have people on this podcast ever. Yeah, we don't.
I appreciate it, guys. We've done 300 episodes.
You're our fourth guy. I appreciate it because it's also people listen to the podcast for you guys.
And I know when you said my name and it was a name they might not have known they were just like oh what the fuck

that's not what's happening

so I give your listeners credit

we like to educate people

because they're not that educated

so you're fucking great please watch it on YouTube

you're gonna fucking love it

go watch Doug right now

now you do a thing now

ready five four

action hey guys please watch Matt Bronger's

Doug on YouTube right now

that was a lot better. Both were excellent.
I feel like yours was clamoring at fucking all this bullshit. I just gave it to him straight.
Yours was a perfect candy. Yours was a fantastic wedding cake.
Let me be honest. That's great.
All right, muy bueno. Thank you so much.
Thank you for having me, fellas. I love you both.
You're the fucking best. I also want to pay my respects to somebody that is so important to stand-up comedy, Bud Friedman.
He passed away. I know his daughter, Zoe.
You know Zoe Friedman? Yep. She worked for Comedy Central, and Bud was always a nice man.
And, you know, he's at the level of Mitzi and he's like one of the fucking godfathers godfathers of comedy and he was a nice man and a legend and without his club I don't think we'd be where we're at nope the improv is such a he started the improv he started the Hollywood Improv home Hollywood improv Hollywood improv Home to some of the most famous Comedians you've ever seen And heard of Started there Got their start there Cultivated there It was a cultural place Where famous people would go Just to watch shows Shout out to Bud Friedman That's him there on the left With the monocle He was the fucking man Rest in peace To a fucking absolute legend In comedy Who found cultivated And, and promoted some of the greatest talents in our comedy world.

He was a super, super wonderfully smart, cool dude who definitely got it.

I feel like there's a lot of deaths.

Yeah.

And I'm kind of thinking to myself, why is that?

It's because I'm getting older.

People die.

Yeah.

No, because as I get older, people that I know are now getting much older.

You know what I mean? Like Harlan said something to me yesterday. He's like, I turned 60 Monday.
It blew my mind. die yeah no because as i get older people that i know are now getting much older you know i mean

like harlan said something to me yesterday he's like i turned 60 monday it blew my mind yeah 60 is wild it's wild you know so it's like well love each other cherish the ones love each other love each other baby anyway it was let's bring the girls back in let's bring the girls back yeah do you want to be on the show full time yeah yeah yeah i think so i think so what What did you think of our psychic abilities?

It's fake.

How could it be fake?

Do it two more. All right.
With your hands at your back. All right.
Okay. Hands on the back.
You count. And you know what? We won't look at each other.
Oh, yeah. Don't look two three go.
No, you don't say go okay one two three and then you do it. Yeah, Three! That's it.
One more, one more, one more. One more.
One, two, three. Nine! Thank you for being a bad friend.
What? If you have a connection, you don't fucking know. You guys got it.
You guys got it. Woo! Yeah, if it's industry, I'm not on the list.
But when it comes to the people, I'm on the list. Other people are all that matters.
You're the man of the people. And you know what, dude? You guys don't respect me.
You guys look down on me. You let guys like Matt Brunger slam me when they're, right? I only do 20 minutes.
You know what I mean? Do this and that.

You know what I mean?

And go fuck yourselves, dude.

One day I will get my fucking day in the light.

If you wake up a little earlier, it'll be in the light.

I do what you have to do, man.

Beat his ass.

Do it on camera.

Do it on camera.

Leave that in

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.