Bedroom Music and RIP Watermelon King

Hey, bad friends, I'm going to be in Boston, Boston, New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve, Eve, the 30th and the 31st. I'm doing a couple of shows.
So come out and see me on New Year's Eve or New Year's Eve, Eve, depending on what you're up to. Boston, come see me, andrewsantino.com for those tickets, andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You are something we're bad friends here's the problem i have with trans people oh i the problem i have is they think they're something they're not what are they really good you're you can't be a man and a woman you've got to pick that's so good and if you're born a man then you're a man bro even if you cut off your winky dink call lauren call lauren michaels you're fucking in now oh santino i heard what you did i heard what you did on bad friends yeah pretty good you want to come by the show there's a lot of protests going on because Dave Chappelle is coming back.

You know that tomorrow night he's hosting?

He's hosting SNL and some of the writers are boycotting.

Who is?

Jordan Peterson?

I can't be there.

I won't stand for it.

I won't stand for Dave Chappelle.

Is it Chappelle?

And his black...

Yeah, Chappelle is hosting SNL and a few of the writers are not. Like who? I don't know who the fuck it is.
The fucking news said it. Look it up.
I don't know if it's real. You know all those fancy white writers do? Who is it? I know a lot of the non-whites too.
Jaime Leibowitz? Does it see right there? Jenny Seinfeld, Jerry's daughter. yeah it's jenny seinfeld oh by the way what r.i.p to watermelon man oh man gallagher gallagher died dude look at that some snl writers reportedly boycotting dave chappelle's return as host they just can't take his rhetoric um they're comedy writers dude

get fucking gallagher died i know let's go to that gallagher let's go to watermelon man he died

he somebody told me he bequeathed his career to his brother yeah which is so cute because didn't

they not like each other they didn't like each other because they were competing over the exact

same act well all the headlines say comedian gallagher best known for smashing watermelons

Thank you. because didn't they not like each other? They didn't like each other.
Because they were competing over the exact same act. Well, all the headlines say comedian Gallagher best known for smashing watermelons.
Imagine if that was your fucking legacy. Like Jack Hurwitz, comedian died, best known for his thick eyebrows.
You don't think they're going to do that to you? What are they going to say? Bobby Lee, comedian dies, best known for his uh-oh hot dog. You don't think they're going to put that gif up when you die? That's true.
Andrew Santino, comedian died, best known for his Jordan Peterson impression. That's not funny.
It's not a funny comparison. Didn't work.
Didn't work. Bobby Lee, comedian dies, best known for his, Bobby was molested by a retarded boy.
That's your bit. Yeah, yeah.
The guy dies. You know what's so funny? I had heard that when they were kids, they growing up, they both were carrying groceries in and his brother dropped a watermelon first.
There's no way. It is.
And he was the one that was, everybody laughed in the family. Yeah.
And then Gallagher decided to start smashing watermelons because he thought the bit was funny. Stole it from his brother.
Wrong Gallagher, but yes. Liam and Noel.
Does that always? By the way, Liam and Noel Gallagher, how come they never smashed a watermelon in tribute to Gallagher? And I would, dude, have you met him? Noel Gallagher or Liam Gallagher? No, Gallagher. The watermelon guy.
No, I never had a chance. I would be way more sad if he was a nice guy.
Why, you want him to be a dick?

No, every time I've tried to approach him, he was super standoffish.

Well, because... Why?

Well, because...

Why?

Why, you know...

Well, he's got to be rings, man.

You think so? That's true. He sees a little you-know-what know what walking up to him right he doesn't want a noodle in his presence like if he would've thrown rice at the crowd that would be then maybe I would've yeah just chucking rice at the first four rows would be fucking Asians we went to the Gallagher show it was great my wife went blind she got hit in the eye with so much rice no I don't know why he was weird to you maybe it's because he was intimidated he was just known to be standoffish what if he was intimidated by you me no no what i was a kid then doesn't matter you were a comedian yeah comedians are weird about other comedians you think so i think his generation though they think they're just i don't know holier than thou maybe maybe by the way you know who says hi to you that i sat with who's might be the nicest fucking dude on planet earth fluffy oh he's the best he by the way he's the best nicest guy in the world it's it's it's like where is it what what is the thing that's negative about the guy nothing it's annoying absolutely nothing he's got no flaws he's like the sweetest nice you can poke him the belly doesn't nothing happen you're not canceled i did he hit me in the face oh yeah he went and he hit me as hard as he could yeah no he was incredible dude he's such a good dude such a funny nice guy but he asked me he said tell bobby i said hi i said of course and he goes uh tell bobby uh why wouldn't he ever put me on tiger belly that's fucking crazy that's what he said that verbatim there's no way he fucking said that you want me to now? No.
Yeah, because I'll prove to you that he did. I'm just threatened.
He said, why wouldn't Bobby put me on Tiger belly? That's what he said. There's just certain people I get intimidated.
I don't want a rejection from him. Like Sebastian.
I asked a thousand times. He says no a thousand times.
I don't want to do the podcast. Yeah, he doesn't.
Dude, what is with you with the press?

What do you want me to do?

Six in a row today, man.

You want me to come down to your house?

Wow.

Get in your garage?

What are you going to give me, Bobby?

Bumbly water?

You think I want to get dehydrated in the middle of the day in the hills i'm good okay so that's my sebastian wow who else can i do let's yeah um anyway what did felipe that felipe oh that's why okay there it is what did gabriel say gabriel well now he's definitely not gonna go on your fucking show you called him felipe where did you sit next to him in here he came he came on whiskey ginger he did yeah today no this past week oh wow and he was so sweet and was like tell bobby i love him i love you know and he was complimenting the show and then he was like you know ask bobby why he's never had me on tiger belly and i was like oh my god it's so it felt so good to me to know that

like

it's another uncomfortable position

for you to be in

I love that

that makes me happy

why

because now it's just

it's good

I know I got that thing on you

a little bit

I worked with a guy last night

that loves you

he lives in your neighborhood

well

well

he's a great actor

let me guess

go ahead

comedic actor

yeah

Emmy nominated

Emmy nominated

yeah

Stone Street

no

Now, let's go. He's a great actor.
Let me guess. Go ahead.
Comedic actor. Yeah.
Emmy nominated. Emmy nominated? Yeah.
Stone Street? No. I love this game.
So fun. It's a good game.
Well, my neighborhood is big, dude. Van Nuys is huge.
He sees you walking around. Ooh.
Yeah. You mentioned golf.
I'll give you some other hints.

Balding.

Second hint.

You want more?

I got it.

I need it. You need more?

Yeah.

He was a part of

a sketch group.

Part of a sketch group.

I got it.

Who is it?

It's Walsh.

Yeah.

Yeah. Matty.
I fucking love him. Love that guy.
man talented he's great yeah chicago loves chicago bears had a great podcast yeah matt walsh uh probably unequivated i mean emmy nominated you could he wasn't one i thought he won he hasn't won what yeah he's so fucking good on veep you guys know who that is don't you matt walsh is one of the funniest one of the funniest quickest dudes i think i've he's the ever uh ever seen live i mean truly is and like you know when we throw around the term genius in our business i do think he's a comedic genius i really mean it no he is a genius and he um and it's interesting what we talked about we talked about like you know he did esther's movie yes man i should have done this movie everybody's in it getting me i've been shooting everyone's fucking in it i've been shooting dave yeah i've been shooting what do you want me to do hello fx yeah can i take off to do esther's movie huh what do you mean 600 bucks max so you'll take away my

okay

okay What do you mean? 600 bucks max. So you'll take away my...
Okay. Okay.
Okay. All right.
All right. Goodbye.
What am I supposed to do? Well, they got someone better, Matt Walsh. That's true.
That's actually true. He wasn't your part.
I was going to say, if it was, that's actually true. He wasn't your part.
No, but we did talk about like... Because I kept going like, everyone, that's Matt Walsh.
And he's a legend. He's one of the best elites, right? And he didn't feel that comfortable with me doing that.
Well, yeah, that's uncomfortable for you. You said it out loud to humans? Oh, yeah.
Well, don't do that. Oh, no, I would like go into other rooms and go, Matt Wall's the Emmys here.
Yeah, that's stupid. But we talked about like, he has the same thing that I have.
It's like, you know, we're uncomfortable with praise. Then why were you praising him? I didn't know that until after I did it.
You figured it out. I figured it after I did it like for five hours.
Right. You know, are you uncomfortable with praise? Yeah.
Oh, my God. It's disgusting.
What is it about comedians that are very uncomfortable about it? Because I think our whole career, I think so often at the beginning was so much punching in the face of negativity. And then when you get a little bit of love, you almost don't believe it.
When you're young, I think when someone's like, that was amazing. And you're in your mind, you're like, nah, probably wasn't.
But is it because, I mean, comedians specifically, the reasons why we do it in the first place is it goes against praise almost. There's a masochistic, is that the right word? There is masochism involved.
Yeah, but I think the tendency is like we all want, you know, people are like, oh, they're attention seekers. I think most of us just really think we have funny stuff to say, so we want to say funny shit.
But when we get rewarded for it verbally from people, you're, I don't know, you're skeptical their of their affirmation you think it might be false or you think it might be like i don't know i i wish i don't that's actually really smart i don't know what the philosophy is behind that yeah because you know we know actors like tom cruise actors want to be cummed on with praise i know they'll walk into a crowd inside autograph they love it yeah yeah they love the one of the best actors i've ever seen thank oh yeah oh yeah thank you they love it yeah but like comics don't do that it's weird we're ashamed of our shit we're ashamed and you know what it is i think the older generations of comics always instilled in us you should be a little ashamed of your uh praise and success Because when you get too big headed

and you lose self-awareness,

I think you lose comedy.

A part of comedy is being super self-aware

and super humbled by society.

That probably creates the best comedy of all time.

It is interesting because you know the comics that,

you know, there's comics that are older

that still do the clubs.

Yeah. And then you have some that became super famous in the Indies and Nights and they disappeared.
Right? And they come in and do like guest spots or whatever, right? Yeah. And there's no connection with the audience.
It's almost if they're like aloof of what's really going on. Because they're not.
Right. So I think the key I've always looked at that, like there's some sort of disconnection there.
Yeah. So I think for the rest of my life, I'm just going to always just do clubs and be with people.
Well, no, but you can do theaters too, but just be you forever. Yeah.
Why would you? I mean, you don't have to change. You're perfect.
Just the way you are. I love you just the way you are.
Do you know who that is? Yeah. Who? I love you just the way you are.
Just the way you are.

That's not how the song goes.

Yeah, it is.

Yeah, it absolutely is.

Look at Pete's fucking face.

Look at how happy I just made him.

Let me sing it.

I love you just the way you are.

Is that voice?

Let me do it all.

Can I get a solo?

I love you.

Wait.

You were doing something way up.

I love you just the way you are Pretty good Pretty close But that tonal thing I've never heard that before I love you just the way you are Give me another line Bring up another song Don't look at me Don't look at the screen Look at me Just so you can look at me. I don't know much, but I know I love you.
I know that one. Go ahead.
I love you just the way you are. Right? Right? I don't know who you are, but whatever that is, is greater than what I am.
That's the way it should be song. That's right.
Yeah. Whatever that guy does.
They'll say, I don't know much, but I know I love you. I don't know much.
I got, right. I don't know much.
What is it? But I know I love you. Okay.
I don't know much, but I know I love you. Somehow you're still Asian.
It's like you can't get away from Asian. No, I think he's the close.
I don't know much, but I know I don't love you. That's not what I'm doing rob you I think what's happening here and I've been analyzing our previous fucking podcast is because you're staring at my eyes I think that's the problem I'm looking away think of a black guy that's the guy who sings it is black I'm thinking of Aaron Neville that's who sings it oh really I didn't know it Aaron Neville is his name think of Aaron Neville think of's who sings it.
Oh, really? Yes. I didn't know it.
Okay. Aaron Neville's his name?

Yeah.

I'm thinking of a black guy. Think of Aaron Neville.

Yeah, I am.

Think of Gold Teeth.

Yeah.

Does he have Gold Teeth?

No.

Oh.

But he does now.

Yeah, he does now.

All right, so go.

Let me hear it.

Welcome.

Welcome to the show, right?

Wow.

Yeah.

How you doing, Nana?

How much were these tickets?

Y'all know this one.

I don't know much.

But I know I love you.

And that may be.

And that may be.

All I need to know.

All I need to know.

Right?

When you close your eyes, it's not Asian. Do you want to hear what it really sounds like I've heard the song before I don't know but I know I love you that may be all I need to know that's good such a good song what a great song that was almost taking he almost took country it was like soul music with country because he did a lot of those intonations where he's like, no, much.
It had very like. Do Barry White.
Do Barry White. Do Barry White.
I want to learn how to sing like him. You want to do a Barry White song? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got to. Yeah, no, I want to go deep.
What song should we sing by Barry White? I'm never going to give you up is so good, but I can't, I don't know how to, I don't know how to do it. Yeah, yeah.
Dude, this guy, imagine the amount of pussy that he got. You know women would throw not just bras, they'd throw underwear at him.
They would take their pants off, take their panties off, and throw wet underwear at Barry White on stage. No.
I swear to God, you can look it up. He would collect, his crew would collect panties every show.
They would take their fucking, sometimes they'd wear skirts or dresses so they could take their panties off easier to throw on stage wow king would he smell all of them no he would you if you were he made a blanket out of him oh he did oh he has a panty blanket like one of those aids blankets they do they sew them all together you know me i put them on the lawn in washington dc a penny aids blanket yeah the guy was one of those guys it was on one of things I saw where, like, women would faint still over him, over seeing Barry White because they were so sexually turned on by the guy. Give me a song.
Because of his voice? Because he didn't look that good, did he? Bro, he was a sex machine. What did he look like? Bring him a fucking picture of Barry White.
You don't think this guy's a mega babe? Let me see. Look at this fucking guy.
He looks like a doorman. At a club.
He works at the store. Yeah.
I see parked cars last night. He's a machine.
Especially Yeah. He had that deep breath.
I'm never gonna give her you will. Oh yeah yeah.
Give me a song. You tell me that guy's not a fuck machine? No dude.
I swore to fucking God. You're wrong.
Maybe back today's standards you know how sometimes you could do you go to a museum and you see those heavy naked white ladies and back in the day you know i mean that was what was called attractive yeah maybe that's what the shit was in 70s but right now unfuckable you're wrong yeah you're wrong because because women either like women either like two kinds of guys three kinds of guys. Yeah.
They like super in shape guys. They like dad bods, which you have.
Thank you. Or they want a big puffy teddy bear.
Ah, that's what that category is? 100% big puffy teddy bear. Yeah.
So they want jacked, sexy, in shape guys, dad bods, or puffy teddy bears. If you fall in between like Fancy B.
Fancy B is not in good shape and he's not as a dad bod. Yeah, yeah.
Chicks don't like him. Disregarded.
He's a waste of time and space. In fact, I've been Googling his wife.
I'm figuring out what the thing is. She's the prettiest girl I think ever.
There's a reason why and I'm going to get to the bottom of it. She was sitting in the room the other week.
Yeah. I'm annoyed at how beautiful she is.
I smelled the chair. She's beautiful.
I smelled the seat. And she likes him.
I can't believe it. Don't be mad.
I was just a joke. I didn't smell the chair Yes you did I did You did too So Followed your lead Yeah yeah Followed your lead Anyway Give me the song Let's hear Oh I want to be that guy You can be Oh shit Oh yeah yeah you're right Oh baby Oh shit I almost came See? I almost came Keep on Ride on Ride on keep on doing it this is fuck music buddy yeah turn it off I think we can just make up a Barry Swigert this is fuck music 101 come on baby look up on doing it walking down the street I wanna suck your big old titties what? what? titties what is it? it's titties what'd I say? I don't know.
I don't know what I said. Yeah, you do.
Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
We're walking down the street. No.
No? You're trying to fuck her. Oh, I know, but you can't just go straight to the bedroom.
He's already there. I know.
I'm walking down the street to get to the bedroom. No.
It's a three-minute song. Let me tell you something.
I can go straight to the fucking bedroom. That's the ending.
The 30 Seconds Tomorrow song that you want about the date already happened. I'll start over.
I'll compromise. Barry White is the fuck music.
It's happening. I'll compromise with the song.
Come on, baby. Open up the front door.
No, they're inside. I know, but I cut out the fucking street walking.
Yeah, but even though- I'm at that house. No.
All right, all right. You're in the bedroom.
All right, all right. No, no, no, no.
No, my song. Come on, baby.
I'm in the living room. Why? Yeah.
Why? Walking toward to the bathroom. Okay.
So I can wash my face. Why do you need to wash your face? I don't know.
I wash my face every time I make love. Right before you fuck, you have to wash your face? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, how about this? Go straight to the living room. All right.
Come on, baby.

Put on the music.

Watching Netflix.

Why?

You are delaying.

You're giving up so much time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go straight to the bed.

I'm going to go straight.

Come on, baby.

Sticking my fist.

What?

Yeah.

My fist.

All right, sorry.

Try it again.

Sorry, I have to start again.

It was too much. Here we go.
Come on, sorry. Try it again.
All right, sorry. Start again.
It was too much.

Here we go.

Come on, baby.

Hey, let me cue you.

Ready?

Boom.

Boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom.

Oh, yeah.

Boom, boom.

Baby.

Boom, boom, boom.

Yeah.

Night live.

Boom, boom, boom.

Yeah.

Boom, boom.

Hurry up.

Come on, baby.

Be on beat.

Boom, boom, boom. You're in my bed.
Boom, boom, boom. Be on beat.

You're in my bed.

Take off my clothes.

Take off my belt.

Take off my shoes.

Get my eye mask. Spread your legs

bust out the lotion

squirt around

all around the room

by the way

she's gone

she's gone

she's gone

she's gone

yeah you're right

you're right

I fucked it up

ready

now you do a sign I'll tell you how it really goes Bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow. I mean, you wouldn't even notice it when you're driving.
When you're driving the road. Oh, Barry White.
Oh, it's over. How long do you last? In bed? These are songs for fucking.
They're specifically made for fucking. Dude, let me say something.
I've been lasting like 30 minutes, dude. 30 minutes.
Fuck yeah, dude. There's no way you have that kind of cardio.
100%. You're running out of breath.
I'm running out of breath. Yeah.
I'm running out of breath. By the end of it.
I'm panting. You blacking out? But I can do it.
Do you have headaches afterwards? Yeah. Yeah.
Migrants. Dropping migrants.
Babble. Oh, this holiday season, if you're looking for a unique gift that inspires curiosity, travel, and culture, give the gift of Babbel.
Babbel is the language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions. Thanks to Babbel's addictively fun and easy bite-sized language lessons, you finally are able to discover the wonder that comes along with learning a brand new language.
See? You for when you went to italy and you survived see see see i did well i i did i did survive but that was also because some of my hand-to-hand combat strength um i love babble it's incredible it's so easy to use and it's an app you can just open it up on your mobile phone 10 minutes to complete a lesson so you can start having a real life conversation a new language as three weeks. It's incredible.
With Babbel, you can choose from 14 different languages. Bobby, you don't even know there is 14 different languages.
There's four as far as I see it. Spanish, French, Italian, and German.
That's it. Babbel's speech recognition technology helps you improve your pronunciation and accent.
Start your new language learning journey today with Babbel. Right now, get up to 55% off your subscription when you go to babbel.com slash badfriends.
That's babbel.com slash badfriends for up to 55% off your subscription. Babbel, language for life.
Blue Chew. Hey, bud.
You know, whenever I have ED, I use Blue Chew and it works. Guys, we all know that confidence can take you far in life.
That's especially true in the bedroom, especially when it's time to step up to the plate. That's where Blue Chew comes in.
They're a unique online service that deliver the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, but in chewable tablets, and at a fraction of the cost. So you know what, if you don't like swallowing medicine, you go ahead and chew your way to get a little happy ED solvent downstairs.
Get some blood pumping to your old soldier. The process is simple.
Sign up at BlueChew.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days, Bob. Oh my God.
You've taken it before. I've done it.
It comes in days. Comes in days.
I love it. And you come in seconds.
With BlueChew, men everywhere are excited to see the postman because when your package has arrived, your package has arrived, baby. So if you could benefit from extra confidence when it's time to perform, chew it and do it.
Have better sex. We've got a special deal for our listeners.
Try Blue Chew free when you use our promo code BADFRIENDS at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping.
That's bluechew.com promo code BADFRIENDS to receive your first month for free. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information.
And we thank

BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast.

Are you having fun?

Oh yeah. 30 minutes, man.

Single Bob, he's having 30 minute

fuck machine sessions. Fuck yeah, man.

Wow. I take breaks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you take breaks? No.

You don't? I don't need it. You don't go,

oh, I'm gonna pull out for a second. No.
Let's have a sandwich, no?

A sandwich? Yeah, a sandwich.

No. I always go, let me pull

out and then let's just

Thank you. I don't need it.
You don't go, oh, I'm going to pull out for a second. No.
Let's have a sandwich, no? A sandwich? Yeah, a sandwich. No.
I always go, let me pull out and then let's just- Eat a full meal? Yeah. Oh, wait, wait, hold on.
I got these breakfast tacos I want to finish before I come. Yeah.
No. Is Barry White still alive? No.
I decay. He died, right? He did.
Did he die? What year did Barry White pass away? 2003. Wow.
Yeah, I had- That's a long time ago. Well, after 9-11, I did think he said everything kind of, he was done with this world.
Is that what he, really? No. Oh, okay.
But, you know. That was two years after, so.
Hey, okay. Don't bring it up.
Let me see the video that I sent you. I do want to show Bobby something.
This is incredible. Because as much as we love serial killers on the show, this is something that we learned.
Can you full screen that or just pop it out? Listen to this and tell me how fascinating this is. I heard this and I thought of you immediately.
I was going to send it to you and I sent it to the boys. I said, we have to show this on the show because we love serial killers here.
One of my colleagues asked me to analyze a bunch of brains of psychopathic killers. Some of the brains that I've studied are people you know about.
When I get the brains, I don't know what I'm looking at. It's a blind experiment.
They give me normal people and everything. So I've looked at about 70 of these and came up and saw a number of pieces of data.
So we look at these sorts of things theoretically on the basis of genetics and brain damage and the interaction with environment and exactly how that machine works. So we're interested in exactly where in the brain and what's the most important part of the brain.

So how you end up with a psychopath and a killer depends on exactly when the damage occurs.

Every one of them I looked at who was a murderer and was a serial killer had damage to their orbital cortex,

which is right above the eyes, the orbits, and also the interior part of the temporal lobe.

So there's this pattern that every one of them had, but they were a little different too they had other sorts of brain damage the key thing is that the major violence genes is called the mao and there's a variant of this gene that is in the normal population some of you have this and it's sex length it's on the x chromosome and so in this way you can only get

it from your mother what does that say to you what are you saying right now these bitches be

making us killers these bitches be making us killers i never thought of it that way uh-huh

your mom someone's like oh it's only men that are psycho killers guess who we got it from women

fucking women yeah fucking women you can't get it from anybody else why is it only men that are killers because the m-o-a-o-a-o-a-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- that are killers? Because the M-O-A-O-A-O-A-O-A-O came from my mama. Yeah.
Yeah. So what do we do? I don't know.
We kill them. We kill the mothers.
We kill women. No.
Not all of them. No, just your moms.
All your moms. So I saw two minutes of that, and that's what your, it led to that.
No, I was interested in this. No.
We spent two minutes, and we led to that. I thought you had a rant or something.
Do a rant on it. No, I just – Do one of your funny impressions and do a fucking rant or something.
You know what I mean? Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Dude, let me – you know what? You have pre-planned impressions. No, I don't.
I want to throw impressions at you. No, I don't have pre-planned.
Yeah, I mean want to see i want to see what your fuck your uh your catalog is sure right um let's do um putin what is he talking about about fucking the moms and the and the psycho killers problem with mother is they are all uh all of their brain powers boot in their tittiesies, and women, all they're good for is kitchen, and suck. Very good.
Putin. Very good.
Thanks. Very good.
I don't know. I mean, what else does he say? I don't know what he says.
That was good. Well, isn't he sick now? Is he? He's dying.
I think they're hiding that he's dying. I think he died.
I think he already died. I think if he died, they would pull back, no? Mm-mm.
I like the queen. The queen died like two years before they actually told us she died.
Oh, really? Yeah, dude. That was fucking...
Come on. We talked about that on this show.
Major conspiracy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They found a body double of her that looked identical to her. Yeah.
And then all she had to do was like, Hey, Lori! It wasn't her. It wasn't her.
No, all I got from that, the reason I want to show you that is because how interesting that all of these psychopathic killers have the exact same formidable damage on their frontal lobe and their temporal complex so when they say when they're like oh how can someone get this deep it's actually i listen to more of this guy some of these psychos that have completely different patterns of lifestyle and killings all that stuff they have the same damage is it because of a fall something that happened coming out of the birth canal a million different things some of them were abuse and trauma from their actual childhood when they were alive some of them are before they even entered the world wow some of them some of them are uh latent stage braid damage he said from a myriad of things traumatic car accidents wow beatings so what you're saying to me right if i get in a car accident right now you could be a serial killer and i could become a killer after that hypothetically really you could get in a car if you had such frontal lobe damage your temporal complex and all of that got so damaged in a way where it set off that maoa gene right yeah i don't know because you we all carry some of it in our brain in our body some much higher than others but let's say it triggers something and then you snap wow and who's the first person you kill me we'll say it on the count of three one two three fancy b what who are you gonna say i i don't want to kill anybody let's do it again let's do it again if you want to go real yeah if you're gonna who are you gonna kill for let's go real one wait wait let me think think is it i'm guessing for you or? I'm guessing for myself. I don't know who you want to kill.
Okay. Okay, so let me hear who you...
I don't need to count you down. Just tell me then.
Who do you want to kill? No, let's count it down. One, two, three.
Ken Jeong. Whoa! Oh, shit.
That came out. That came out clear as day.
I love him, I mean. Whoa.
That's what I meant to say. Whoa.
No, that's what I meant. Ronnie Chang, I wanted to say.
I wanted to see I wanted to see Ronnie Chang It came out Roy Then you said Roy Wood Did you say Roy Wood Jr. Oh yeah yeah Jesus Yeah Well Come on baby That's not Roy Wood That's very well But both very talented Great dudes Very talented Very talented dudes So you said the other week By the way That you had an important date That's why we had to move times for something How did that go? What date? How'd your little date go? What? For today you mean? Yeah I haven't done it yet It's later That's why I had to go earlier Oh it's a night date Yeah Oh Because I didn't wrap till like 2 in the morning last night Yeah they call them fratter days Yeah But it's Thursday It was fucking terrible So tell me the date tonight Uh huh Where are you going? To the wrap party of the movie I did.
That's not a date. Don't take a girl to that.
Yeah, yeah. Why? You're going to introduce a girl that you're newly dating to people that you've been working with and friends with for years? Yeah.
That's a terrible fucking idea. Why? Am I wrong? Am I wrong? I can impress the girl that way.
That's exactly why. Thank you so much.
For once, dude, you're fucking, we're on fucking the same plane dude you impress them because here's the deal she's a fan of esther she never met her right you're bringing a fan to a premiere bad move they're all fans bad move you think i'm walking down the street and some girl that doesn't know who the fuck i am is gonna go let's go fucking let me tell you something me tell you something. If I was a girl, I would just be attracted to you just by your personality.
And I'd go, look at this cute little Asian guy. I don't know who he is.
Who is he? Right. And then some of the girl in the group goes, that's the uh-oh hot dog guy.
And she goes, I don't know who that is. And she falls in love with you organically.
Did your wife know who you were before you met her? I was nobody. Oh, that's right.
And I still am nobody. Me too.
She still doesn't know who I am. She thinks my name is Mike.
Yeah, yeah. Mark Mike yeah yeah Mark or something I have no idea yeah no but I know what you're saying but you're doing this to impress her but has she been around I'm not doing an impress her I'm going there you just said you fucking were no you're the one that's challenging me to say why are you fucking bringing her to this yeah I'm asking you and I'm just saying it just happens I said I was gonna hang out with her I said I was gonna hang out with her the night this night it just happens to the fall of the fucking night that I'm doing this fucking thing, man.
So when am I not going to do the fucking thing? I hope it blows up in your face a little bit. It's not going to blow up on my fucking face.
You're going to make me blow up. Yep.
Sorry. I went off.
I'm so sorry. I'm just saying that, like, please.
She's a fan. She's not a fan, dude.
Why do you? What's wrong with you? You just said they're all fans. Yes, it is true that as a single guy, people go, oh, you're a comedian, right? Or whatever.
Yeah, you're famous. They're all fans.
I'd have to go to some other country, maybe. Like Ireland or something.
Do people listen to our podcast in Ireland? Yeah, all over. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hi, maybe. Like Ireland or something.

Do people listen to our podcast in Ireland?

Yeah, all over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi, Bobby Lee.

Yeah.

I mean, if you were single, where would you meet girls?

At the coffee shop?

Let me tell you something.

If at some point in my life I do become single again,

I'm never dating a woman ever again.

Oh.

It's guys for me. What do you mean? out playing chess yeah anal chess oh anal chess yeah if i got single again i'm not going i'm not doing that thing but you're never you're not gonna hook up professionals are you oh professional i would just do i would do paid sex workers for the rest of my life yeah i just I just don't know how it works.
What do you mean?

Yeah, I mean, you click on it, you're arrested,

and then they come, I mean, I don't know what the deal is. A little cop pops up on your phone, you're arrested.

I don't know.

Please stay put.

I don't know how it works.

I think you gotta get like a Heidi Fleiss.

You gotta get like a-

Right.

Someone in the-

We gotta find someone in Hollywood who's got the connection.

Right.

And we'll get you some.

No, I don't want it.

Why not?

I don't wanna do that.

But they're not fans.

I'd rather be alone. Right, that's my point.
I'd rather be alone'd rather be alone you're right i'll either roll those dice or just be alone yeah but but you know what there's no shame in dating a fan you're gonna make me so fucking angry right now i'm being genuine i'm not kidding what you're doing right now there's no fucking so angry there's no shame in it stop fucking saying stop fucking saying that man okay I don't know if she's a fan hmm they just know that I'm a comedian so she's a fan what so she's a fan okay if listen she must be a fan if I was gay right and I met Michael Bolton right I know who Michael Bolton is but I'm not a fan of his music right that's so if i'm dating michael bolton i'm dating michael bolton or yanni with right like i see a guy long hair yanni right on the fucking thing i hate that flute thing that he does i think vaguely know who that's yanni you think but i think yanni's cute yeah yeah and and somewhere in the country like we're at a fucking, you know, Earth Bar or something. You know what I mean? Got it.
Yanni Pablo E think Yanni's cute Yeah And somewhere in the Like we're at a fucking You know Earth bar or something You know what I mean Got it Yanni probably eats Or whatever Right Right And we're eating gruel Whatever the hippies eat What do you mean bean gruel You know the bean gruel they make You hear me And matcha Matcha green gruel Yeah matcha gruel Right And we're with our hands They love to do it with their hands Yeah like Ethiopian Ethiopian. Right.
But right before we do that, we got our hands henned. They love the hand of their hands, Yanni and all those white.
Do you have a hemp necklace on it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got a stone in it.
Yeah, yeah. What color is a stone? Purple, lime green.
You sure it's not yellow? It is. It's yellow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, there he is, Yanni.
Mega babe. Yeah.
And then we go and we talk about like new age things like Cosmos. Cosmos? Yeah, yeah.
Talk to me about Cosmos. I thought you were going to say Cosby for a second.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he's going to go, I'm going to go, he's going to go, I'm a musician, Yanni.
And I'm going to go, yeah, I know who you are, but I'm not a fan. Right.
I don't like your music. And what do you think that would do with a relationship? do you think that would be harder on him than if he wasn't you weren't a fan but then maybe I would lie and go some of your stuff's alright right but my point is do you understand I think those are the situations I'm in of course they vaguely know what I do right but it's not like they listen to Tiger Bearly or Bad Friends or they like to Mad TV well let me tell you something what they would be lucky to date someone like you.
What is wrong with you today? You're going this way and then this way? Yeah, yeah. No, but I think you are such a wonderful person that any girl would be lucky to have you in their life.
Oh my God, listen. My friend.
Sexually, emotionally, platonically, anybody on earth would be lucky to have you as a friend or a lover. I don't want to talk about this anymore.
On planet Earth. What I'm going to say to you is on planet Earth.
I love it. Thank you.
Because you're a special person. I love it.
And you mean a friend or a lover i don't want to talk on planet earth what i'm going to say to you on planet earth i love it thank you because you're a special person i love it and you mean a lot okay to me especially uh-huh you mean the most to me thank you and any girl that you bring around she bet she's got to go through me what any girl that you bring around that you get serious with she's got to go through me yeah when i'm serious i already have i already have my plan. You do? Oh, yeah.
What is it? Well, I feel like I'm going to know the feeling. You're going to know when it happens.
Right. I'm going to go.
It's going to click one day. That's the one.
Yeah, I like Veronica. I want to exclusively date Veronica.
Right. And we're going to take it to the next level.
What is that? Just a committed relationship. You look at Veronica in the eyes and go, you know, you don't fuck nobody else.
You don't fuck anybody else. Yeah, I won't fuck nobody else.
And we're together, right? And at that point, there's a list of people I'm going to probably call and tell that I'm in a thing. But doesn't she have to meet these people too to get through? First, I'm going to get their approval.
Correct, yeah. That's right.
Number one is your mom.

Yeah.

Number one.

Yeah.

Then probably you next.

Then number three.

Well, Kalilah probably.

Okay, number four.

Steve.

Number five.

My agents and my managers.

Okay.

Number six.

George. Okay.
Are these guys on the list? Okay, no. Neither of managers.
Okay. Number six.
George.

Okay.

Are these guys on the list?

Okay, no.

Neither of them.

Yeah.

I mean, I haven't seen Pete.

He never calls me or texts me.

Why, Pete?

Why have you been gone so much?

I have a family.

Oh, fuck you, Pete.

Why?

Why?

I got two kids.

This is where people have families and they go to work.

I'm so busy.

I got kids.

Oh, dude. Fuck.
They need me. Fuck you.
Fuck you, Pete. All right.
Can we, real quick, Fancy, can I say it or no? Wait, let me guess. We can cut it out.
Can I guess? Yeah. Congratulations.
Congrats, Fancy. He's gay.
Yeah. You're gay? Yeah, well, he came out.
You came out. He divorced his wife and he's finally.
Oh, man, great. Because they're free, right? You feel free? I'm free.
Let me ask you. I'll tell you, it's not free.
Is she pregnant? Yeah. Yeah.
Congratulations. Isn't that huge? We're going to have a little fancy around this place.
That's amazing. How do you feel? 90% excited.
I feel good. 10% terrified.
Feared? How did your family take it? Good. My family is very excited.
Oh, they are? We're a girl you don't my god Oh my god What is she gonna be like do you think You know Come on baby Take it to my room No no no The number one goal fancy When you have a girl is to what Keep her In the house In the In the house? In the house? What the fuck? What the fuck is that? Safe. Safe.
Safe's good. What else? Let's see what kind of parent you're going to be.
Away from comedians? Away from comedians? Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, you're going to raise her here.
You know, when we're doing the show, she's going to be sitting in one of the bubble chairs. Yeah.
Can you imagine? I already know what kind of girl she's going to be. Give it to us.
Tell us. Do you know? No.
I want to have an opinion. I mean, I think.
She's going to be like a prop person at some theater, community theater. Oh.
You know what I mean? Get the fucking cape. Yeah.
The king scene's up. Yeah.
I don't know where we put it last week. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you think she's going to be? Make a guess. What you just said is so good, a stagehand.
A stagehand kind of a person. It's so funny.
I think she'll work. I think in high school, she'll get a job at Starbucks.
For sure. And in college, she'll return to Starbucks when she comes back to LA.
Yeah, for sure. And then she'll try to be an actor, without a doubt.
For sure. And she will not make it.
Never.

And continue to work at Starbucks late into her 50s and 60s. Yeah.

And Fancy B will be old and be like,

why do you never try to

do anything else?

Yeah. And she'll somehow

also have an accent. Are you going to be strict?

Yes. Of course.

Look at that fucking sweater he's got on.

That says everything you need to know. The sweater with the collar popping says, I'm a strict guy.
You know what I mean? You guys are making me sweat. Yeah.
Oh, really? Yeah. No, I think it's reality that's settling in.
It's such a huge responsibility. It is.
Fuck you, dad. I'm all fentanyl.
There's nothing you can do about it. Yeah.
You know what I mean? You're always at that fucking podcast

with that ginger and that Chinese kid.

You're never home with me ever, dad.

Fuck you.

Fuck Spain.

And fuck Spain.

I don't like going to Spain.

Yeah.

Your family sucks.

Sucks.

What are you going to say when she says something?

Are we going to keep doing the podcast

in 10 years more?

Yeah. Yeah, we're doing this forever.
We're never going to stop. We're never stopping this.
She's going to work for us. Yes.
That's a fact. She's going to work.
In fact, I'm not going to give up just because I want her to work for us. I'm going to keep doing this just so we get to her to become an employee.
We're going to do this podcast. Bobby will be in one old folks home.
I'll be in another, and we'll have to Zoom. They'll have to FaceTime us, and they'll be giving us our pudding, our gruel in the middle of the podcast.
We're going to do this until we're dead. So I'll be, when she's 21, I'll be in my 70s.
Yeah. Come and wash on my feet, though.
How come the mic not turn on every time I come in here?

Right?

No, no.

Nothing working.

YouTube too slow.

You know, I say Google, you know.

Go ahead.

That's it.

Okay, that's it. Yeah.

Well, she's going to work for us.

You better believe it.

I want to be her grandfather.

I want to be like a father figure.

I want to teach her things.

I want to be Uncle Andy.

Yeah.

We'll take her what's fishing? Shooting? Guns? Yeah, yeah. Fishing.
I want to teach her things. I want to be Uncle Andy.
Yeah. We'll take her what?

Fishing?

Shooting?

Guns?

Yeah, yeah.

Fishing.

Oh, yeah.

Guns.

You fish with guns, don't you?

I don't know.

Either barrel.

How do you get a mouse?

No, but we can go to the lake.

What lake?

Where can we go?

What lake?

I don't want to say what lake.

Lake Bear?

We can go to one of the-

Is there Big Bear?

Big Bear has a lake?

We'll go to Big Bear Lake.

Is there Big Bear Lake?

Yeah, we'll take her up there.

I've been out there.

There's a lake out there, right? Or Arrowhead. We'll go to Arrowhead or Big Bear Lake, right? I'll bring out the rods.
We can get the salmon. Is there salmon there? It's so far.
Can we just take her to Echo Park Lake? How about the Hollywood Reservoir? With all the needles? Hollywood Reservoir. That's fine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are there fish in there? Hollywood Reservoir? Yeah.
It's for potable water. It's for drinking.
Oh, I see. My bad.
It's in the event that we run out of water, which we will. I didn't know.
Have you ever been up there to Lake Hollywood? No. Really? Beautiful.
It's just so weird that it's like this beautiful lake surrounded by houses, and it's tucked in the hills, and nobody knows. I mean, unless you're a local, nobody goes up there.
I have no idea that there's a lake there. There's a beautiful dog park up there.
It's great. Really? On the other side.
It's like below the Hollywood sign. Oh, well, I used to...
That dog park right there that's open? Yeah. I used to bring Gobi there all the time.
Below the Hollywood sign. I never saw...
Yeah, right below the Hollywood sign. I never saw a lake there.
You go around the corner, there's a lake down there. There's a lake down there? A lake down there.
Wow. I did not know.
Yeah, there's a lake down there. I almost bought a house up there.
Did you really? Yeah. It was literally right across the street from that open dog park.
And you would have been near Lake Hollywood. I know.
Overlooking that thing. Greta Garbo.
A lot of famous people used to live up there. Yeah.
It's a beautiful area. What's his name? Who's got the cane? Charlie Chaplin used to live up there.
Yeah. He also, when I lived in Sanborn, that apartment building I lived in was an insane asylum that he owned.
No. Yeah.
Really? Yeah. On Sanborn.
And somebody jumped off, like some kid jumped off like the third floor of that building. Didn't die.
Died. Three stories? Pretty high up.
Weak bones. Yeah.
That's not that far. I've fallen from second story when I was drunk in college.
It was a pretty spooky place. I lived there for years.
Did you ever walk past to give you the creeps? The MS-13 gangwriters were more scary.. They were a little bit more scary.
Yeah. They'll go surreal.
And there was this guy named Jimmy. Did we talk about Jimmy? Every day, right? He would knock on my door.
Hey, man! I need $20. Every day, like clockwork.
Did you give it to him? I would do it for a year. I did it for a year.
And then one day I said. 20 bucks a day for a year.

And then one day I said, you know who has more money than me?

The lady that lives across the hallway.

Smart.

And he goes, what's your name?

I go, her name is Natasha Leggero.

Did she really live across the hallway?

No way.

Yeah.

And so he would knock on her door.

And then she moved.

Yeah, yeah.

And then she moved. Give me moved give me twenty dollars oh yeah i wanted to tell you i watched a documentary about a thing called one taste what is it it was a sex cult in san francisco and boy oh boy was this thing fucking phenomenal this documentary what was it on netflix Yeah, it's on right now.
It's called Orgasm Inc. Well, let me look.

Before we talk. And boy, oh boy, was this thing fucking phenomenal, this documentary.
What was it called? It's on Netflix? Yeah, it's on right now.

It's called Orgasm Inc.

Well, let me look.

Before we talk about it, let me look at it first.

And the next one we can talk about it, Sunday.

Look at that.

Oh, shit.

Sex cult, though.

No, you can tell me about how you feel about it next week.

But I just want to pick your brain about it.

Would you ever, as a single guy, would you ever go to like a sex, you know they have these things called hedonism?

Do you know what that is? Like a camp hedonism? Yeah. Would you ever go to one of those? I would.
Where it's like a vacation. I would you ever go to a sex...
You know they have these things called hedonism? Do you know what that is?

Like camp hedonism?

Would you ever go to one of those?

Where it's like a vacation fuck party?

I would.

You would.

Why don't we do it?

Let's set you up.

Sign me up.

Is there a catalog of what they look like?

You don't know.

Oh, it's like a Rochambeau.

Yeah, it's like a scramble.

You're getting what you get.

Right.

And then do you have to make love?

I think it's part of... Can I just show up and eat things? I feel like that's what you thing.
Scramble. You're getting what you get.
Right. And then do you have to make love? I think it's part of-

Or just show up and like eat things?

I feel like that's what you're going to do anyway.

But I do think you're supposed to fuck.

You know what I would do?

I would take those, you know, the Japanese candies where you dunk the stick into the chocolate.

What is that?

What's that called?

Pockies?

Dump, dunk, dunking it.

Dunk.

You dunk it in?

I'll just sit there and eat those. Dunkaroos? Yeah.
What was that? A beginner sex beginner sex look up hedonism and see how much it is we can get bobby over to hedonism can we get you to do that do you think would you go on a little trip yeah if let's zoom in on that guy's zoom in on his dick yeah zoom on the dick i gotta tell you something yeah yeah pinch and spread pete try and i gotta tell you that's that's no bigger to tell you, that's no bigger than yours, buddy.

Mine?

That's not bigger than yours.

It's not.

No, so I'm saying,

shouldn't you feel comfortable now?

I know, but he's going to want to fucking collaborate.

So?

He's going to go,

hey, follow me on this

and then let's do videos together

and the next thing I do,

I'm doing sketches with this guy

in the fucking tree.

OnlyFans sketching.

Yeah, I don't want to do that.

You know me,

I can't say no.

I know.

In that environment, so I'm going, oh yeah, and I'm writing sketches. You know what I mean? Right? And then, can my girlfriend do it? Right? And then they're fucking.
I'm not fucking anybody. And I'm like the head writer of their fucking.
Hedonism sketchbook. Yeah, yeah.
I don't want to do that. Do you remember what happened to Bobby? He got stuck in a grilled Jamaica.
He's doing like sketches now. Yeah, yeah.
Full time. He's a heat oh look at this this is years ago but this popped back up onto my feed somehow this woman blinded herself with drain cleaner because she always wanted to be disabled she wanted to be blind since birth she fucking doused her own eyes and now she's blind it's a long time ago this article is from years ago but it just popped up in my feed somehow on youtube and i was like what this woman threw drain cleaner in her eyeballs to blind herself can you just what's that music let's see hold on he'll she's gonna show you the video of this woman i went blind on purpose but i don't feel it was a choice.

Yeah, yeah.

For most people, going blind would be a nightmare.

But for Jules Schooping, it was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream.

She suffers from a rare condition called body integrity identity disorder.

What?

I don't think I'm crazy.

I think I have a disorder.

Yeah, but take medicine. Take medicine.
Imagine Stevie Wonder finding out about this woman. She did it to herself.
Come on. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, it's nuts. Nuts.
That's insane. Yeah.
And she says it's a mental disorder, right? She says it's like a thing. Get help.
Get help't lose your therapy or just eye patches get two pirate eye patches and walk around with that lady yeah you could have just closed your eyes all day yeah get a blind we go blind too at night all right the lengths that this woman goes to yeah she blinded herself and says it was it was like she needed you know someone says like this this her in her mind she thinks it's the same as like a trans person being like i need i've always felt like i was a guy i gotta transition to be a guy right she said she's always felt blind and she needed to physically be blind right lady lady yeah if you okay let's say this if you were going to disable yourself in some way what would yours be what could you live with this woman lived with blindness

so you what would i purposely get rid of if i said to gun to your head you got to get rid of

something no okay but that's not what happened to her you gotta all right in this scenario you

got her i'll shoot you it doesn't have to be something what is that my voice you can never

speak again yeah that's how you make money that's true oh my god you're bad you've got my head

Thank you. Does it have to be something? What is it? My voice.
You can never speak again? Yeah. That's how you make money.
That's true. Oh my god.
You're bad at this. You have a gun in my head.
I know. I'm under pressure.
I thought you'd say that. Take the gun away.
Take the gun away. A bow and arrow.
What? A bow and arrow. My hearing.
You want to be deaf? You're a stand up comedian. I'm a stand up comedian.
That's right. Take the bow away.
By the way, imagine you deaf and you put on headphones

and they just keep sliding off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have a knife.

My legs.

Yeah.

Get rid of my legs.

Okay, so that's the one.

One leg.

No, you got to take both.

It's a pair.

Okay, take my legs.

So it's a pair of eyes,

pair of ears,

you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What would you?

Hey, I don't know what this is.

Yeah, hey.

My testicles.

My testicles.

Really? It's a pair. It is a pair.
I got away with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
See? I still got to keep my shaft. Oh, that's true, true.
Can you still feel good things with the shaft gun? Yeah, you don't need your ball. You can come without your ball.
You know, you can feel or an orgasm without actually ejaculating cum. Oh, you can? Yeah.
Oh, my God. They need a pill to feel better after your orgasm.
Interesting. Like when I come, just a little observation, right? When I come, there's a void in my heart and my soul.
Yeah. You know what I mean? And an emptiness.
And I can feel the wind. We all feel this way.
I can feel the wind blowing through it. I have a joke about it.
I'm telling on stage right now. I need a pill to make me feel better in that moment.
Well, drugs. And then when the cum reloads, love comes back.
Well, here's the deal. We're all sad after we cum.
I've talked about this on stage. Yeah.
But I found a trick. What is it? I put the cum right back in.
I get a little funnel and I just put it, I take it right off her back and I put it right back in. Ah, you do.
Mm-hmm. Is it a compartment or you stick it back through that little hole? I put it back in the hole.
I don't have a side door to my nutsack. I'm sorry, my bad.
I don't know how the human body works. I mean, could you jam it in your butthole and you can't refill it that way? I guess we should try.
That'd be cool if we were like Pez dispensers and we could just lift up and stick the cum back in her neck and it comes back to the fucking balls. Yeah, yeah.
I feel better again. Or do what I've been doing.
What have you been doing? Fucking listen to this, dude. Listen up.
Fucking A, dude. I'm a fucking pro at it, dude.
I know. It's called, brah, edging.
Edging. I know it's called brah edging edging i know it master edger dude i know you get close to coming i like to ride that i don't even come yeah you get close and you stop yeah yeah and i leave i leave i fucking leave dude really yeah a couple times i've done that i look at the girl i go We're edging today She's like what? So you get really close Then you give up And I'm about to come I pull up I leave Wow Yeah Then what? I drive home Hard No emptiness Hard Yeah No it goes down It doesn't hurt? No But then don't pee For a long? You know, sometimes, you ever done that? Where you make love and then you pee and 19 sprays come out? Yeah.
And you have to clean the fucking bathroom. So you put your finger on the hose.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate that when that happens.
I hate when that happens. Sometimes I'll have morning wood in the morning.
Yeah. Which I know you don't get anymore.
No, I get them now. You do? Full blown, dude.
Every morning. Wow.
Every morning I get it. You're back, baby.
I'm back. My machine's i'm back but my machine's back he's yeah yeah the kid is back yeah i'm like one of those cars that jay leno has like you know i mean in good condition but old it's a model t you know model t mother t wait a minute do you guys still get morning wood yeah yeah yeah when you get morning wood sometimes you had to pee from the night before and you have to wait till the boner goes down so you can pee yeah it's i have to just like stand in the bathroom oh i hate or no that's not what i do you push it down and piss i pinch it oh dude yeah i pinch it what do you guys do do you what do you do if you wake up hard you gotta piss i got i just go i got i got shit to do you piss with a boner you i clean it up i just gotta go i gotta go i gotta take care so you clean the ceiling of your bathroom i mean he just it's early yeah it's early yeah yeah but the morning wood in the morning though isn't out of horniness no i know yeah it's weird right you know there's two reasons it happens i don't know i'm not a doctor you teach me well one of them is actually to protect you from pissing yourself at night do you know that no so if enough blood is blocking is filling the muscle of your penis it's to it's to aid your uh prostate and bladder from not expelling yeah if it's bubbling up yeah the other reason is from fucking testosterone surging through your body first thing in the morning we are the horniest in the morning men have the highest testosterone count first thing in the morning i did not know that well that's why we're morning fuckers and women are night fuckers it's insane what's crazy about there's a book all about it what's crazy is they're primed to have sex in the nocturnal we are primed to have it first thing in the morning because historically we would want to get up fuck and then go kill and gather for the rest of the day oh we wanted to go fucking go get the food go do this thing so we had we wanted to rope a nut off first thing in the morning let me ask you something

could i not do that back in the day you would not have been a hunter and gatherer yeah could i not

do that you'd have been a homemaker i mean is there other options or that was the only option

as a guy sadly you had to go out and kill and gather or you were killed by the by the community

a shaman i think you could be a that's it i'd be the smoke guy i'd herb smoke you know i mean

Thank you. guy sadly you had to go out and kill and gather or you were killed by the by the community a shaman i think you could be that's it i'd be the smoke guy i'd herb smoke you know i mean have a hut but even him you know they'd kill him pretty quick too maybe could i be making moccasins let me see your hands i don't know look no look oh oh yeah yeah yeah yeah you see it now right yeah i can make moccasins? Yeah.
Imagine some fucking white cowboy careening over a hill with his horses and seeing a tribe of Indians, Cherokees, if you will. And of all these beautiful Cherokee men and women, sitting in the middle of them is a little tiny Korean man.
How did you get there? Oh, it'd be like Last of the Mohicans, probably. Yeah, but it'd be First of the Koreans.
It'd be First of the Koreans. Yeah, First of the Koreans.
Oh, yeah. It wouldn't be First of the Koreans.
First of the Koreans. Yeah.
It's a group of Cherokee men and women and you. I want Daniel Day-Lewis still to play him.
100%. He's a great actor.
How could he not? He's a great actor. Who's the white? Who's the lead white that finds you? Oh, shit.
It's gotta be Christian Bale. CB.
Very good. Really good, right? All right.
Right. And who does he befriend? Who's the native that he befriends? What do you mean? See, he befriends one of the natives to try to get to you.
Right. To the first Korean.
Right. But you are protected by the community, and they don't want to let you go.
You're basically gold to them. Right.
You're a barter. They barter you.
So who would play the friend? Who would play the native friend? The native friend. Do you have any native friends from the show? Do you have any native friends from the show? I would just ask Taika to do it.
Okay. Taika Waititi is native.
But not native to America. Does it matter? It kind of does.
Okay. In this regard.
Yeah. I think we'd have to stick with the real native.
Charlie Hill. Is he on the show? I'm going to put Charlie Hill in there.

Who is that man?

He died.

Oh.

We can't CGI him in?

We can.

Yeah.

They're CGI-ing everybody now. I know, I know.

But the first of the Koreans,

that's a good movie idea.

The very first of the Koreans.

Yeah.

And their whole job is to try to get you away

from the natives because you're worth the money.

Can I let me ask you about

Last of the Mexicans?

Sure.

I never,

even as a kid

when I watched that movie,

and this is just a question,

and it's not comedic

in any kind of way.

It's just a real question.

We'll find a way.

You think that if

a native person

found a white baby,

they would be like,

hey,

let's bring him into the tribe.

Or do you think they would throw it in the river? Interesting. I mean, honestly.
No, no, I don't. I mean, the white people have been slaughtering them.
They find a white baby. You think they're going to be, you're one of us, or would they smoke him? Well, I'd use it as collateral.
Oh, as a chipping. Right, they would use it.
Basically, they've got a free hostage. Right.
I would use that as collateral. It's like what the Russians are doing with Brittany Griner Alright It's like they're not letting that girl out Interesting She had a little bit of weed They're not letting her out They're using her to fuck with the United States Yeah So you would use the little white baby Yeah You know and some whites came along the hill You'd get what you need You're like we'll kill this fucking baby And a white baby is a lot of money Worth the most I mean it's the worst like you know i mean if they got a korean baby what is that a couple of i mean a couple of pairs of sheep hide yeah one sheep one sheep hide and a fucking you know i mean what would you get deer bone one deer bone yeah like a leg like a leg bone right but a white baby is wow first of all you get a live deer for six horses yeah horses.
Yeah. White baby, six horses.
Six horse power baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right?

Six horse white power baby.

How much would a black baby?

Good talk.

Well, I said Korean.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, this is not for comedy.

Six black horses.

You'd get stallions.

Okay, good.

You'd get six stallions.

Good save.

Good save.

Very good.

How about a Mexican baby?

You get a dozen donkeys. Okay, good.
How about a Mexican baby? You got a dozen donkeys.

Okay, good.

This is a great game.

This is a great game.

I love this game.

I like, right.

Or how about

Middle Eastern baby?

You tell me.

You already know.

12 camels.

This is fun, right? What's a hard one? What's a harder one? Let's go harder, right? A Chinese baby. You know.
Six companies, I guess. Six corporations.
Six corporations. Six movie theaters.
I would say six pandas. Six pandas.
What about Russian baby? Oh, shit. Two tanks.
Two tanks? Yeah. A Russian baby? No, one tank.
Tanks are expensive. They're so expensive.
They're so expensive. Okay, one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about a Spanish, a Spain, a baby from Spain? Oh, God.
Spanish baby. Ten pesos.
I think you get two siestas. Yeah, two siestas.
Two naps. You get two naps for that baby from Spain.
Oh, God. Spanish baby.
10 pesos.

I think you get two siestas.

Yeah, two siestas. Two naps.

You get two naps for that baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's an interesting thing.

I got to tell you.

Yeah.

If you're right, in retrospect, if we're going back to you being genuine, they would kill

that white baby on the spot.

When I was watching that movie as a kid, I'm like, why would they do that?

No. They'd use it as like a pinata.
know i know trying to see what's in ball you know what i mean go along yeah i mean that baby would not be alive you poke a couple holes in it whistles like that old football i know i mean that's a true movie uh that's yeah yeah yeah's what would happen. The native football game and they use the white baby as the ball? Yeah.
That I believe. And why is last of every, in these movies, a white person? Last of the samurai, white dude.
Yeah. Last of the Mohicans, white person.
I think it's a projection. I think you guys want us out of here.
I think you want us last. What do you we're first we've been first for so long no you're the last of the people yeah because you they've gotten rid of us but you guys are writing these movies i know because i think we want to get out of here oh is that what it is well you guys are taking over we gotta get the fuck out of here all right okay i get it you're like a freedom writer freedom writer or white i'm one of the good like in the 60s you i think you would be like on the bus with the you know civil rights yeah yeah yeah but you know what i'd be killed immediately i know because the redhead they're like oh yeah kill that fucking guy they're not gonna let me live yeah because they don't they look at me i don't look like massachusetts yeah yeah yeah i look like scum white scum they think i'm scum the the white the rich whites the wealthy whites when i go around them at me weird.
Really? I don't look like any of those guys. Yeah.
Like the Kennedys, bring up the fucking Kennedys. You want to talk about when whites see wealthy people, they know it, they have a fucking look.
Dude, you could be a Kennedy, dude. Fucking know I could.
If you wore a suit and you took that fucking, you... Look at what they look like in the face.
Look at the Kennedys. Look at his at his face they have like a fucking they have a jawline thing that's very similar no the kennedys are look at that thing no yeah look at bobby and look at him look what they look like they have like a teethy toothy oh teethy toothy teethy toothy yeah i get it when white people have teethy toothies i don't like it it's an east coast it's an east coast it's a wealthy look at him and his brother with his stupid fucking hair right next to the Kenny.
I literally can only focus on all of their teeth. It's weird.
Well, teethy toothies. Yeah.
Wow. You're right.
They're all teethy toothies. They're all teethy toothies right there.
But it's something about that East Coast wealthy elitist. Elitist.
They look the same. Yeah.
Bring up a picture of the Rockefeller family. Let's see what the Rockefellers look like.
Yeah. You're right.
Or the Gettys. Do you know about the Gettys? I love the Gettys.
bill billionaires billy billy billionaires let me see what the rockefeller family looked like i bet you they're teethy toothy as well get that pic look at that big fucking picture oh is he not a teethy toothy you tell me that's not a teethy toothy white yellow teeth it's a yellow that's it well it's an asian teethy toothy yeah is that the rockefellers right there the history of the rockefeller family Zoom in on those guys. See, they learned over the years.
No one's teethy-toothing in that one. They learned.
They're all closing their mouth, conscious. Right.
They had a meeting. They're like, no more teethy-toothies, boys.
Can't be seen teethy-toothies. They just seem powerful, huh? Because- Even if you didn't tell me who they were, I would get scared looking at that photo.
Rich whites are just different. There's something else about the wealthy whites.

Wealthy whites in America have this fucking look.

Yeah.

They have a thing.

It's scary.

All right, well, here's the deal.

I love it.

If I book hedonism for you.

I'm not going to go.

Please stop.

Let it go.

I'm going to book it.

I'm not going to be there.

Why?

Can we film it?

If we film it for the show, will you go?

What about this?

I'll pay for it.

I'll pay for all of it.

Thank you. to book it i'm not gonna be there why can we film it if we film it for the show will you go what about this i'll pay for it i'll pay for all of it i'll give you something else all right bad friends has our own hedonism right smart what we do is what we'll do is we'll do it in the desert so we'll get like the biggest house airbnb bakersfield you want to do in bakersfield yeah That'd be funny.
Yeah. We'll go to in the desert.
So we'll get like the biggest house, Airbnb. Bakersfield.

You want to do it in Bakersfield?

Yeah, it'd be funny.

Yeah, we'll go to Bakersfield.

We'll rent out one floor of a hotel.

In Bakersfield.

And we'll open up all the doors, right?

So people go in and out of rooms, right?

And we call it Bad Friends.

You know what I mean?

Bakersfield.

Bakersfield.

Bad Friends, Bakersfield, Sexy Time.

Sexy Time.

Yeah.

It's a long title, but we're working on it. Sexy Time with Bad...
Yeah, right. We'll figure it out.
And we... And I'm the madame.
Maderm. Maderm.
Maderm. I'm the guy.
I wear a smoking jacket. Right? Pipe.
Silver of my hair, right? Sandals. Penis out.
It'll be out. Robe open, baby.
I can't open with penis. Robe open.
I'll welcome people with my dick out. You're right.
That's the best one. I mean, we want them to stay, right? Right.
So they come out of the elevator. I'm there.
Ding! Bobby! Maybe we could record

come on baby

walk down the street

it's inside

open the door

they come in

they'll probably giggle

yeah yeah yeah

can they see my little guy

and I do

I have to do a giggle back

yeah

name please

Let's go. guy and I do I have to do a giggle back name please name please room 4B get naked alright baby can I tell you something about how hotels work 4 would be tough 4B what are you on friends how many hotels have you stayed in? Oh yeah You're right It's like 308 Oh yeah You're right 419 My bad Four B? What are you in a sitcom? Just Kramer in 4C? It's a boutique I'm here for the fuck No it's a boutique Hotel You said a whole floor floor.
Oh, that's right. Okay.
What are we going to rent really?

Like a Marriott?

Like a courtyard?

You're in room 4-3-12.

Is that better?

On the 43rd floor.

I'm the 12th room.

Yeah.

By the way, there's a couple of fans at home right now that are just figuring out that

those numbers coincide with the floor.

Oh, right.

Some people are like, what?

Yeah.

So the 43rd floor, I'm in the 12th room.

You're in the 12th room in the 12th room

okay thank you

right

yeah

I go in there

I go in there

and who's in there

jerking off

but here's the thing

who is in there jerking off

I am

because I had one

while she goes to the fucking room

I take a back fucking wave

right

and just start jerking out

she's like

she thinks it's magic

right

she's like how did you

right

yeah

come on baby

right

that'd be cool

I'm sorry. She thinks it's magic Right She's like how did you Right Come on baby Right

That'd be cool

Thank you for being a bad friend Yeah. Yeah.