Bedroom Music and RIP Watermelon King

Speaker 1 Hey, bad friends. I'm gonna be in Boston, Boston, New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve, Eve, the 30th and the 31st.

Speaker 1 I'm doing a couple of shows, so come out and see me on New Year's Eve or New Year's Eve, Eve, depending on what you're up to. Boston, come see me, andrewSantino.com for those tickets.

Speaker 1 AndrewSantino.com for those tickets. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. Here's the problem I have with trans people.

Speaker 1 The problem I have is they think they're something they're not.

Speaker 1 What are they? It's really good.

Speaker 1 You can't be a man and a woman. You've got to pick.
That's so good. And if you're born a man, then you're a man.
Bro. Even if you cut off your windy ink.
Call Lauren.

Speaker 1 Call Lauren Michaels. You're fucking in now.
Oh, Santino. I heard what you did.
I heard what you did on Bad Friends. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Pretty good.

Speaker 1 You want to come by the show? There's a lot of protests going on because Dave Chappelle is coming back. You know that tomorrow night he's hosting?

Speaker 1 He's hosting SNL and some of the writers are boycotting. Who is? Jordan Peterson?

Speaker 1 I can't be there. I won't stand for it.
I won't stand for Dave Chappelle. Is it Chappelle? And his black.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Chappelle is hosting SNL, and a few of the writers are not. Like, who? I don't know who the fuck it is.
The fucking news said it. Look it up.
I don't know if it's real.

Speaker 1 Who do you know all those fancy white writers, dude? Who is it? I know a lot of the non-white writers. Timey Leibowitz.

Speaker 1 Does it see it right there? Jenny Seinfeld, Jerry's daughter. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's Jenny Seinfeld. Oh, by the way.
What? R.I.P.

Speaker 1 Watermelon Man. Oh, man, Gallagher died.
Gallagher died, dude. Look at that.
Some SNL writers reportedly boycotting Dave Chappelle's return as host. They just can't take his rhetoric.

Speaker 1 They're comedy writers, dude. Get fucking gross.
Gallagher died. I know.
Let's go to that. Gallagher, let's go to Watermelon Man.

Speaker 1 He died.

Speaker 1 Somebody told me he bequeathed his career to his brother, which is so cute.

Speaker 1 Didn't they not like each other? They didn't like each other because they were competing over the exact same act. Well, all the headlines say comedian Gallagher, best known for smashing watermelons.

Speaker 1 Imagine if that was your fucking legacy.

Speaker 1 Like Jack Hurwitz, comedian died, best known for his thick eyebrows. You don't think they're going to do that to you? What are they going to say?

Speaker 1 Bobby Lee, comedian, dies, best known for his uh-oh, hot guy.

Speaker 1 You don't think they're going to put that gif up when you die? That's true. Or they'll.
So you say Adido, comedian died, best known for his Jordan Peterson.

Speaker 1 That's not funny. It's not a funny comparison.

Speaker 1 It didn't work. Bobby Lee, comedian, dies, best known for his Bobby Was a Molista by a Ricardo boy.

Speaker 1 That's your bit. Yeah, yeah.
The guy dies. You know what's so funny?

Speaker 1 And I had heard that when they were kids, they were growing up, they both were carrying groceries in, and his brother dropped a watermelon. That's true.
First, there's no way. It is.

Speaker 1 And he was the one that was, everybody laughed in the family. Yeah.
And then Gallagher decided to start smashing watermelons because he thought the bit was funny. Stole it from his brother.

Speaker 1 Wrong Gallagher, but yes. Liam and Noel.
That's that Oasis. By the way, Liam and Noel Gallagher, how come they never smashed a watermelon in tribute to Gallagher? And I would, dude, have you met him?

Speaker 1 Noel Gallagher? The Gallagher? The watermelon guy. No, I never had a chance.

Speaker 1 I would be way more sad if he was a nice guy. Why, you want him to be a dick? No, every time I've tried to approach him,

Speaker 1 he was super standoffish.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Well, because. Why?

Speaker 1 Well, because.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 Why, you know,

Speaker 1 well, he's

Speaker 1 got to be raising, huh? You think so? That's true. He sees a little you-know-what walking up to him? Right.
He doesn't want a noodle in his presence.

Speaker 1 Like, if he would have thrown rice at the crowd, that would have been.

Speaker 1 Maybe I would have, yeah, just chucking rice at the first four rows would be fucking Asians. We went to the Gallagher show.
It was great. My wife went blind.
She got hit in the eye with so much rice.

Speaker 1 No, I don't know why he was weird to you. Maybe it was because he was intimidated.

Speaker 1 He was just known to be standoffish.

Speaker 1 What if he was intimidated by you me no no what i was a kid then doesn't matter you were a comedian yeah comedians are weird about other comedians you think so i think his generation though they think they're just i don't know holier than thou maybe maybe by the way you know who says hi to you that i sat with who might be the nicest fucking dude on planet earth

Speaker 1 fluffy oh he's the best he by the way he's the best nicest guy in the world it's it's it's it's like where is it what what is the thing that's negative about the guy nothing it's annoying Absolutely nothing.

Speaker 1 He's got no flaws. He's like the sweetest, nice.
You can poke him in the belly.

Speaker 1 Nothing happened. You're not canceled.
I did. He hit me in the face.
Oh, he did. Oh, yeah.
He went, hoo-hoo! And he hit me as hard as he could.

Speaker 1 No, he was incredible, dude. He's such a good dude.
Such a funny, sweet, nice guy. But he asked me, he said, tell Bobby, I said hi.
I said, of course.

Speaker 1 And he goes, tell Bobby, why wouldn't he ever put me on Tiger Belly? That's fucking crazy. That's no way he said that.
Verbato. There's no way he fucking said that.
You want me to call him right now?

Speaker 1 No. Yeah, because I'll prove to you that he did.
I've just threatened. He said,

Speaker 1 why wouldn't Bobby put me on Tiger Belly? That's what he said. There's just certain people I get intimidated, I don't want a rejection from him.

Speaker 1 Like, Sebastian, I asked a thousand times, he says no a thousand times. I don't want to do the podcast, yeah.
He doesn't, dude. What is what you've done

Speaker 1 today?

Speaker 1 What do you want me to do? Six in a row today. You want me to come down to your house? Wow, get in your garage.

Speaker 1 What are you going to give me, Bobby? Bumbly water.

Speaker 1 You think I want to get dehydrated in the middle of the day in the hills? I'm good. Okay, so that's my Sebastian.
Wow. Who else can I do?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, what did Felipe say, Felipe? Oh, that's why. Okay.
Oh, there it is.

Speaker 1 What did Gabriel say? Gabrielle?

Speaker 1 Well, now he's definitely not going to go on your fucking show. You put in Felipe.

Speaker 1 Where did you sit next to him?

Speaker 1 Here.

Speaker 1 He came on Whiskey Ginger. He did? Yeah.
Today. No, this past week.
Oh, wow. And he was so sweet and was like, tell Bobby I love him.
I love him. And he was complimenting the show.

Speaker 1 And then he was like, you know, ask Bobby why he's never had me on Tiger Belly. And I was like, oh, my God.
It's so fun. It felt so good to me to know that

Speaker 1 it's another uncomfortable position for you to be in. I love that.
That makes me happy. Why? Because now it's just, it's good.
I know I got that thing on you a little bit.

Speaker 1 I worked with a guy last night that loves you. He lives in your neighborhood.
Well,

Speaker 1 he's a great actor. Let me guess.
Go ahead. Comedic actor.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Emmy nominated. Emmy nominated.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Stone Street? No.

Speaker 1 I love this game. So fun.

Speaker 1 It's a good game. Well, my neighborhood is big, dude.
Van Nuys is huge. He sees you walking around.
Ooh.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You mentioned golf.
I'll give you some other hints. Balding.

Speaker 1 Balding. Second hint.

Speaker 1 We want more? I got it. I need it.
You need more? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He was a part of a sketch group.

Speaker 1 Part of a sketch group.

Speaker 1 I got it. Who is it? It's Walsh.
Yeah. Yeah.
Maddie. I fucking love him.
I love that guy. He's so funny, man.
He's so talented. He's great.
Yeah. Chicago loves Chicago.
Bears had a great podcast.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Matt Walsh. Probably

Speaker 1 Emmy nominated. He wasn't won.
I thought he won. He hasn't won.
What? Yeah. He's so fucking good on Veep.
You guys know who that is, don't you? Matt Walsh is

Speaker 1 one of the funniest, quickest dudes I think I've

Speaker 1 ever

Speaker 1 seen live. I mean, truly is.

Speaker 1 You know, when we throw around the term genius in our business, I do think he's a comedic genius. I really mean it.
No, he is a genius. And he, um,

Speaker 1 and it was interesting what we talked about. We talked about, like, you know.
He did Esther's movie. Yes.
Man, I should have done this movie.

Speaker 1 Everybody's in it. Are you kidding me? I've been shooting.
Everyone's fucking in it. I've been shooting Dave.
Yeah. I've been shooting.
What do you want me to do blah blah blah blah blah hello fx yeah

Speaker 1 can i take off to do esther's movie

Speaker 1 huh

Speaker 1 what do you mean

Speaker 1 600 bucks max

Speaker 1 so you'll take away my okay okay okay all right all right goodbye

Speaker 1 what would i what am i supposed to do well they got someone better matt walsh that's true that's actually true

Speaker 1 he wasn't your part i was gonna say if it was that's actually true

Speaker 1 no but we did talk about like,

Speaker 1 I don't, because I kept going, like, everyone, that's Matt Wall. And going, he's a legend.
He's one of the best elites, right? And he didn't feel that comfortable about me doing that.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, that's uncomfortable for you to do. Yeah, but you said it out loud to humans? Oh, yeah.
Well, don't do that. Oh, no, I would, like, go into other rooms and go, Matt Wall's Emmy's here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 But we talked about, like, he has the same thing that I have. It's like, you know, we're uncomfortable with praise.

Speaker 1 Then why were you praising him? I didn't know that until after I did it.

Speaker 1 You figured it out after I did it. I figured it after I did it like for five hours.
Right. You know, are you uncomfortable with praise? Yeah.
Oh my God. It's disgusting.

Speaker 1 But what is it about comedians that are very uncomfortable about it? Because I think our whole career, I think so often at the beginning, was so much punching in the face of negativity.

Speaker 1 And then when you get a little bit of love, you almost don't believe it.

Speaker 1 When you're young, I think when someone's like, that was amazing, and you're in your mind, you're like, nah, it probably wasn't. You don't.

Speaker 1 But is it because, I mean, comedians specifically, the the reasons why we do it in the first place is it goes against praise almost.

Speaker 1 There's a masochistic, is that the right word? There is masochism involved. Yeah, but I think the tendency is like we all want, you know, people are like, oh, they're attention seekers.

Speaker 1 I think most of us just really think we have funny stuff to say, so we want to say funny shit. But when we get rewarded for it

Speaker 1 verbally from people, you're...

Speaker 1 I don't know, you're skeptical of their affirmation. You think it might be false or you think it might be like...

Speaker 1 I don't know. I wish

Speaker 1 I don't know. That's actually really smart.
I don't know what the philosophy is behind that. Yeah.
Because, you know, we know actors, like Tom Cruise.

Speaker 1 Actors want to be cumbed on with praise. I know.
They'll walk into a crowd and say, Otigra, they love it. Yeah, yeah, they love it.
Thank you. You're the one of the best actors I've ever seen.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, thank you.
They love it. Yeah.
But, like, comics don't do that. It's weird.
We're ashamed of our shock. I think we're ashamed.
And you know what it is?

Speaker 1 I think the older generations of comics always instilled in us, you should be a little ashamed of your praise and success. Because when you get too

Speaker 1 big-headed and you lose self-awareness, I think you lose comedy.

Speaker 1 A part of comedy is being super self-aware and super humbled by society.

Speaker 1 That probably creates the best comedy of all time. It is interesting because you know the comics that...

Speaker 1 You know, there's comics that are older that still do the clubs. Yeah.
And then you have some that became super famous in the 80s and 90s and they disappeared, right?

Speaker 1 And they come in and do like guest spots or whatever, right? Yeah. And there's no connection with the audience.
It's almost as if they're like aloof of what's really going on. Because they're not.

Speaker 1 Right. So I think the key, I've always looked at that, like, there's some sort of disconnection there.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I think for the rest of my life, I'm just going to always just do clubs and be with people. Well, no, but just be you can do theaters too, but just be you forever.
Yeah. Why would you?

Speaker 1 I mean, you don't have to change. You're perfect just the way you are.

Speaker 1 I love you just the way you are.

Speaker 1 Do you know who that is? Yeah. Who? I love you just the way you are.
Just the way you are.

Speaker 1 That's not the way. That's not how the song goes.
Yeah, it is. Yeah, it absolutely is.
Look at Pete's fucking face. Look at how happy I just made him.
Let me sing it. I love you just the way you are.

Speaker 1 That voice. Let me do it.

Speaker 1 May I get a solo?

Speaker 1 I love you.

Speaker 1 You were doing something.

Speaker 1 I love you just the way you are.

Speaker 1 Pretty good. Good.
Yeah, pretty good. Pretty close.
Yeah. But that tonal thing, I've never heard that before.
I love you just.

Speaker 1 Give me another line. Give me another line for that one.
Bring up another song. Don't look at me.
Don't look at the screen. Look at me.
Just so you can look at me.

Speaker 1 I don't know how much, but I know how you are. I love you.

Speaker 1 I know that one. Go ahead.
I love you just the way you are.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 I don't know who you are, but whatever that is, it's greater than my life. It should be something.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Whatever that guy does.
Say, I don't know much, but I know I love you. I don't know much.

Speaker 1 I don't know much.

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 But I know I love you. Okay.
I don't know much,

Speaker 1 but I know I love you.

Speaker 1 Somehow you're still Asian. It's like you can't get away from Asian.

Speaker 1 No, I think he's the closer. No.
I don't know much. No, no, no, no.
I don't know. I don't love you.

Speaker 1 That's not what I would do. I think what's happening here, and I've been analyzing our previous fucking podcast, is because you're staring at my eyes,

Speaker 1 right? I think that's the problem. All right, I'm looking away.
Think of a black eye. I am, yeah, that's the guy who sings it.
It's black.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking of Aaron Neville. That's who sings.
Oh, really? Yes. I didn't know it.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Aaron Neville's his name. Yeah, I'm thinking of a black guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I am. Think of gold teeth.
Yeah. Does he have gold teeth? No.
But he does know. Yeah, he does know.
All right, so go. Let me hear it.
Welcome.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the show, right? Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How you doing, Atlanta? How much were these tickets?

Speaker 1 Y'all know this one.

Speaker 1 I don't know much.

Speaker 1 But I know I love you.

Speaker 1 And that may be.

Speaker 1 And that may be. All I need to know.
All I need to know.

Speaker 1 Right? When you close your eyes, it's not a sound.

Speaker 1 Do you want to hear what it really sounds like?

Speaker 1 I've heard the song before. I don't know how much.

Speaker 1 but I know I love you.

Speaker 1 That may be

Speaker 1 all I need to know. That's good.
Such a good song, by the way. What a great song.
That was almost taking, he almost took country.

Speaker 1 It was like soul music with country because he did a lot of those intonations where he's like, no how much? It had very like. Do Barry White.
Do Barry White. Do Barry White.

Speaker 1 I want to learn how to sing like him. You want to do a Barry White song? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got to. I know.
I want to go deep. What song should we sing by Barry White?

Speaker 1 I'm Never going to give you up is so good, but

Speaker 1 I don't know how to do it. Yeah, yeah.
Dude, this guy, imagine the amount of pussy that he got. You know, women would throw not just bras, they'd throw underwear at him.

Speaker 1 They would take their pants off, take their panties off, and throw wet underwear at Barry White on stage. No.
I swear to God, you can look it up.

Speaker 1 He would collect, his crew would collect panties every show. They would take their fucking, sometimes they'd wear skirts or dresses so they could take their panties off easier to throw on stage.
Wow.

Speaker 1 King. Would he smell all of them? No, he wouldn't.
If you were on the stage,

Speaker 1 He made a blanket out of them. Oh, he did.
Uh-oh. He has a panty blanket.
Like one of those age blankets they do.

Speaker 1 They sew them all together and you intermediate and put them on the lawn in Washington, D.C. A panty age blanket.

Speaker 1 The guy was one of those guys. It was on one of those things I saw where

Speaker 1 women would

Speaker 1 faint still over him, over seeing Barry White because they were so sexually turned on by the guy. Give me a second.
Because of his voice, he didn't look that good, did he? Bro, he was a sex machine.

Speaker 1 What did he look like? Bring him a fucking picture of Barry White. You don't think this guy's a mega babe? Let me see.
Look at this fucking guy. He looks like a doorman

Speaker 1 at a club. He works at the store.
Yeah. I see parked cars last night.
Yeah. He's a machine.
Especially. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He had that deep bar.

Speaker 1 I'll never go to the river. You will.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Give me a song.
You tell me that guy's not a fuck machine?

Speaker 1 No, dude. I swear to fucking God.
You're wrong.

Speaker 1 Maybe back then, in today's standards, you know how sometimes you go to a museum and you see those heavy, naked white ladies, and back in the day, you know what I mean, that was what was called attractive.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's what the shit was in 70s, but right now, unfuckable. You're wrong.
Yeah. You're wrong because women either like women either like two kinds of guys.
They like three kinds of guys. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They like super in-shaped guys. They like dad bods, which you have.
Thank you. Or they want a big puffy teddy bear.
Ah, that's what that's a category. 100%.
Big puffy teddy bear.

Speaker 1 So they want object, sexy, in-shaped guys, dad bods, or puffy teddy bears. If you fall in between, like Fancy B.
Fancy B is not in good shape, and he's not as of a dad bod. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Chicks don't like him. Disregarded.
He's a waste of time in Spanish. In fact, I've been Googling his wife.
I'm figuring out what the thing is. She's the prettiest girl I think.

Speaker 1 There's a reason why, and I'm going to get to the bottom. She was sitting in the room the other week.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm annoyed at the beginning. I smell beautiful shit.
I smell the chair. She's beautiful.
I smell the seat. And she likes him.
I can't believe it. Don't be mad.
I was just a joke.

Speaker 1 I didn't smell the chair. Yes, you did.
Yes, you did. I did.
Yeah, you did too. So? Yeah.
Followed your lead.

Speaker 1 I followed your lead. Anyway, give me the song.
Let's hear.

Speaker 1 Oh, I want to be that guy. You can be.

Speaker 1 Doon, don't.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right. Oh, baby.
Oh,

Speaker 1 baby.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. I almost can't came.

Speaker 1 I almost can't see.

Speaker 1 Keep on.

Speaker 1 Right on. Right on, right on.

Speaker 1 Keep on doing it. This is fuck music, buddy.
Yeah, turn it off. I think we could just make up a barry.
So this is fuck music 101.

Speaker 1 Look, up on doing it. Walking down the street.
I want to suck your big old tears. Titties.

Speaker 1 What? What? Titties. What is it?

Speaker 1 Titties.

Speaker 1 What did I say?

Speaker 1 I don't know what I said. Yeah, you do.
Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
We're walking down the street. No.
No?

Speaker 1 You're trying to fuck her. Oh, no, but if you're trying to.
You're trying to just go straight to the bedroom.

Speaker 1 He's already there. I know.
I'm walking down the street to get to the bedroom. No.
It's a three-minute song.

Speaker 1 I can't go straight to the fucking bedroom. That's the ending.
The 30 Seconds Tomorrow song that you want about the date.

Speaker 1 I'll start over. I'll compromise.
Mary White is the fuck music. I'll compromise with the song.
Come on, baby. Open up the front door.
No, you're inside.

Speaker 1 know, but I cut out the fucking street walking. Yeah, but even

Speaker 1 you're in the bedroom.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. No, I'm by song.
Come on, baby.

Speaker 1 We're in the living room. Why?

Speaker 1 Why? Walking toward to the bathroom. Okay.
So I can wash my face. Why do you need to wash your face? I don't know.
I wash my face every time I make love.

Speaker 1 Right before you fucking get to wash your face? All right, how about this? Go straight to the living room. All right.
Come on, baby.

Speaker 1 Put on the music.

Speaker 1 Watching Netflix. Why?

Speaker 1 You are delaying. You're giving so much.

Speaker 1 Go straight to the back.

Speaker 1 Come on, baby.

Speaker 1 Ticking my fist.

Speaker 1 What? Yeah. My fist.
All right. Sorry.
Try it again.

Speaker 1 Start again.

Speaker 1 Here we go. Come on, baby.
Hey, let me cue you. All right.

Speaker 1 Boom boom. Baby.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Nightlight.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hurry up.

Speaker 1 Come on, baby. Be on beach.

Speaker 1 You're in my bed.

Speaker 1 Take off my clothes.

Speaker 1 Take off my best.

Speaker 1 Take off your shoes.

Speaker 1 Get my eyes.

Speaker 1 Spread your legs.

Speaker 1 Puss out the lotion.

Speaker 1 squirt it around,

Speaker 1 all around the room.

Speaker 1 By the way, she's gone.

Speaker 1 She's gone. She's gone.
She's gone. She's gone.
She's gone. Yeah, you're right.
You're right. I fucked it up.
Ready? Now you do a sign. I'll tell you how it really goes.

Speaker 1 I already came.

Speaker 1 That's it. Oh, I see.
He already came. He already came.
He's gone. Right.
I'm gone. Now I leave her there.
It's over. But that's a 10-second song.

Speaker 1 I mean, you wouldn't even know. How long?

Speaker 1 When you're driving in the road. Oh, Barry, what? Oh, it's over.
How long do you last? In bed? These are songs for fucking. They're specifically made for fucking.
Fucker, let me say something.

Speaker 1 I've been lasting like 30 minutes, dude. 30 minutes.

Speaker 1 There's no way you have that kind of cardio. 100%.
You're running out of breath. I'm running out of breath.
Yeah. I'm running out of breath.
By the end of it, I'm panting. You blacken out.

Speaker 1 But I can do it. Are you having do you have headaches afterwards? Yeah.
Yeah. Migra.

Speaker 1 Drop me migraines.

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Speaker 1 Are you having fun? Oh, yeah. 30 minutes, man.
Single Bob is

Speaker 1 having 30-minute fuck machine sessions. Yeah, man.
Wow. I take breaks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you take breaks? No.
You don't? I don't eat it.

Speaker 1 You don't go, oh, I'm going to pull out for a second. No.
Let's have a sandwich. No? A sandwich? Yeah, a sandwich.
No. I was going, let me pull out and then let's just eat a full meal.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, wait, wait, wait, hold on.
I got these breakfast tacos I want to finish before I come.

Speaker 1 No. Is Barry White still alive?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 He died, right? He did. Did he die? What year did Barry White pass away? 2003.
Wow. Yeah, I had a hard time.
Well, after 9-11, I did think he said everything kind of he was done with this world.

Speaker 1 Is that what he really? No. Oh, okay.
But, you know, just. That was two years after.

Speaker 1 Hey, okay. Don't bring it up.
Let me see the video that I sent you. I do want to show Bobby something.
This is

Speaker 1 incredible.

Speaker 1 Because as much as we love serial killers on the show,

Speaker 1 this is something that we learned. Can you full screen that or just pop it out? Listen to this and tell me how fascinating this is.
I heard this and I thought of you immediately.

Speaker 1 I was going to send it to you, and I sent it to the boys. I said, we have to show this on the show because we love serial killers here.

Speaker 1 One of my colleagues asked me to analyze a bunch of brains of psychopathic killers. Some of the brains that I've studied are people you know about.

Speaker 1 When I get the brains, I don't know what I'm looking at. It's a blind experiment.
They give me normal people and everything.

Speaker 1 So I've looked at about 70 of these and came up and saw a number of pieces of data. So we look at these sorts of things theoretically on the basis of genetics.

Speaker 1 and brain damage and the interaction with environment and exactly how that machine works. So we're interested in exactly where in the brain and what's the most important part of the brain.

Speaker 1 So how you end up with a psychopath and a killer depends on exactly when the damage occurs.

Speaker 1 Every one of them I looked at who was a murderer and who was a serial killer had damage to their orbital cortex which is right above the eyes orbits and also the anterior part of the tempolo.

Speaker 1 So there's this pattern that every one of them had but they all were a little different too. They had other sorts of brain damage.
The key thing is that the major violence genes is called the MAO

Speaker 1 gene. And there's a variant of this gene that is in the normal population.
Some of you have this. And it's sex length.
It's on the X chromosome.

Speaker 1 And so in this way, you can only get it from your mother. What does that say to you? What are you saying right now? These bitches be making us killers.

Speaker 1 These bitches be making us killers. I'm not a part of it that way.

Speaker 1 So when someone's like, oh, it's only men that are psycho killers. Guess who we got it from? Women.
Fucking women. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fucking women. You can't get it from anybody else.
Why is it only men that are killers? Because the M-O-A-O-A-O-A-O-A-O

Speaker 1 came from my mama. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, what do we do? I don't know. We kill them.
We kill the mothers.

Speaker 1 Women. No.
Not all of them. No, just your mom.

Speaker 1 So I saw two minutes of that, and that's what you're. It led to that.
No, I was interested in this.

Speaker 1 No. We spent two minutes, and we led to that.
I thought you had a rant or something. Do a rant on it.
No, no, I just. Get one of your funny impressions and do a fucking rant or something.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Dude, let me get.

Speaker 1 You know what? You have pre-planned impressions. No, I don't.
I want to throw impressions at you. I don't have pre-planned.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, I just want to see I want to see what your fuck your catalogue is. Sure.
Right. Um, let's do um

Speaker 1 Putin.

Speaker 1 What is he talking about? About fucking the moms and the and the psycho killers. Problem with mothers, they are all

Speaker 1 of their brain power is boot in their titties.

Speaker 1 And women, all they're good for is kitchen and

Speaker 1 suck.

Speaker 1 Very good. Putin.
Very good. Thanks.
Very good. I don't know.
I mean, what else does he say? I don't know what he says. That was good.
Well, isn't he sick now? Is he? He's dying.

Speaker 1 I think they're hiding that he's dying. I think he died.
I think he already died. I think if he died, they would pull back, no?

Speaker 1 I like the queen. The queen died like two years before they actually told us she died.
Oh, really? Yeah, dude. That was fucking.

Speaker 1 Come on. We talked about that on this show.
Major conspiracy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They found a body double of her that looked identical to her. Yeah.
And then all she had to do was like, hey,

Speaker 1 it wasn't her. It wasn't her.

Speaker 1 No, all I got from that, the reason I want to show you that is because how interesting that all of these psychopathic killers have the exact same formidable damage on their frontal lobe and temporal complex.

Speaker 1 So when they say, when they're like, oh, how can someone get this deep? It's actually, I listen to more of this guy.

Speaker 1 Some of these psychos that have completely different patterns of lifestyle and killings, all that stuff, they have the same damage.

Speaker 1 Is it because of a fall, something that happened coming out of the birth canal?

Speaker 1 A million different things. Some of them were abuse and trauma from their actual childhood when they were alive.
Some of them were before they even entered the world. Wow.

Speaker 1 Some of them are

Speaker 1 late in stage brain damage, Hugh said, from a myriad of things. Traumatic car accidents.
Wow. Beatings.

Speaker 1 So what you're saying to me, right, if I get in a car accident right now, you could be a serial killer. And I could become a killer after that? Hypothetically.
Really? You could get in a car accident.

Speaker 1 If you had such frontal lobe damage, your temporal complex, and all of that got so damaged in a way where it set off that MAOA gene, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know, because we all carry some of it in our brain, in our body,

Speaker 1 some much higher than others. But let's say it triggers something, and then you snap.
Wow. And who's the first person you kill? We'll say it on the count of three.
One, two, three. Fancy beat.

Speaker 1 Fancy beat. What? Well, who are you going to say? I don't want to kill anybody.
Hold on. Just imagine.
Oh, do it again. Let's do it again.
If you want to go real? Yeah,

Speaker 1 who are you going to kill for a real? Let's go real. One.
Wait, let me send. Think.
I'm guessing for you or for me? I'm guessing for myself. I don't know who you want to kill.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay, so let me hear what you.
I I don't need to count you down. Just tell me then.
Who do you want to kill? No, let's count it down. One, two, three.
Ken Jung.

Speaker 1 Whoa! Shit. That came out.
That came out clear as day.

Speaker 1 Whoa. That's what I meant to say.
Whoa. No, that's what I meant.
Ronnie Chang.

Speaker 1 I wanted to see Ronnie Chang. It came out Roy Wood.

Speaker 1 Then you said Roy Wood. Did you say Roy Wood Jr.? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Jesus. Yeah.
Well. Come on, baby.
That's not Roy Wood. That's very wood.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 But both very talented, great dudes. Very, very talented.
Very talented dudes. So you said the other week, by the way, that you had an important date.
That's why we had to move times for something.

Speaker 1 How did that go? What date? How did your little date go?

Speaker 1 For today, you mean? Yeah. I haven't done it yet.
It's later. That's why I had to go to the next day.
Oh, it's a night date? Yeah. Oh.

Speaker 1 Because I didn't rap till like two in the morning last night. Yeah, they call them Fraturdays.
Well, but it's their first time. It's fucking terrible.
So tell me, the date tonight.

Speaker 1 Where are you going? To the rap party of the movie I did.

Speaker 1 That's not a date. Don't take a girl to that.
Yeah, I am. Why? You're going to introduce a girl that you're newly dating to people that you've been working with and friends with for years? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a terrible fucking idea. Why? Am I wrong? Am I wrong? I can impress the girl that way.
That's exactly why. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 For once, dude, you're fucking, we're on fucking the same plane, dude. You impress them.

Speaker 1 Because here's the deal. She's a fan of Esther.
She never met her, right? Esther's gonna be. You're bringing a fan to a premiere?

Speaker 1 Bad move. They're all fans.

Speaker 1 Bad move. You think I'm walking down the street and some girl that doesn't know who the fuck I am is going to go, let's go fucking.
I'm going to tell you something.

Speaker 1 If I was a girl, I would just be attracted to you just by your personality. And I'd go, look at this cute little Asian guy.
I don't know who he is. Who is he? Right.

Speaker 1 And then some of the girl in the group goes, that's the uh-oh, hot dog guy. And she goes, I don't know who that is.
And she falls in love with you organically.

Speaker 1 Did your wife know who you were before you met her? I was nobody. Oh, that's right.
And I still am nobody. Me too.
She still doesn't know who I am. She thinks my name is Mike.

Speaker 1 Mark or something. I had no idea.
Yeah. No, but I know what you're saying, but you're doing this to impress her.
But has she been? I'm not doing it to impress her. I'm going there.

Speaker 1 You just said you fucking were. No, you're the one that's challenging me to say, why are you fucking bringing her to this? Yeah, I'm asking you.
And I'm just saying, it just happens to fall.

Speaker 1 I said I was going to hang out with her. I said I was going to hang out with her this night.
It just happens to fall on the fucking night that I'm doing this fucking thing, man.

Speaker 1 So when I'm not going to do the fucking thing, I hope it blows up in your face a little bit. It's not going to blow up on my fucking face.
You're going to make me blow up. Yep.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 And what no, I'm so sorry. I'm just saying that, like, please.
She's a fan. She's not a fan, dude.

Speaker 1 Why do you, what do you, what's wrong with you? You just said they're all fans.

Speaker 1 Yes, it is true that

Speaker 1 it is true that as a single guy, you know, people go, oh, you're a comedian, right? Or whatever. Yeah.
You're famous.

Speaker 1 They're all fans.

Speaker 1 I'd have to go to some other country,

Speaker 1 maybe.

Speaker 1 Like Ireland or something.

Speaker 1 Do people listen to our podcast in Ireland? Yeah, all over. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hi, Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, what would you, if you were single, where would you meet girls? At the coffee shop? Let me tell you something. If at some point in my life I do become single again,

Speaker 1 I'm never dating a woman ever again.

Speaker 1 Oh. It's guys for me.
What do you mean? Hanging out, playing chess?

Speaker 1 Yeah, anal chess. Oh, anal chess.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 If I got single again, I'm not doing that thing. But

Speaker 1 you're not going to hook up? Professionals.

Speaker 1 Oh, professionals. I would just do, I I would do paid sex workers for the rest of my life.
Yeah, I just don't know how it works. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, you click on it, you're arrested, and then they come and put me in, you know, I don't know what the deal is. A little cop pops up on your phone, you're arrested.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 Please stay put. I don't know how it works.
I think you got to get like a Heidi Fleis. You got to get like a...
Right. Someone in the...
We got to find someone in Hollywood who's got the connection.

Speaker 1 Right. And we'll get you some.
No, I don't want it. Why not? I don't want to do that.
But they're not fans. I'd rather be alone.
Right. That's my point.
I'd rather be alone. You're right.
Right.

Speaker 1 I'll either roll those dice or just be alone. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you know what? There's no shame in dating a fan.

Speaker 1 You're going to make me so fucking angry right now. I'm being genuine.
I'm not kidding. I'm not even what you're doing right now.

Speaker 1 There's no shame in it. Stop fucking saying that, man.
Okay. I don't know if she's a fan.

Speaker 1 They just know that I'm a comedian. So she's a fan.
What? She's a fan. Okay, if, listen.
She must be a fan. If I was gay, right, and I met Michael Bolton, right?

Speaker 1 I know who Michael Bolton is, but I'm not a fan of his music, right?

Speaker 1 So if I'm dating Michael Bolton,

Speaker 1 if I'm dating Michael Bolton or Yanni with,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 Like I see a guy long hair, Yanni,

Speaker 1 right, on the fucking thing. I hate that flute thing that he does.
I think vaguely know who that, that's Yanni. You think Yanni? But I think Yanni's cute.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And somewhere in the company, like we're at a fucking, you know, earth bar or something. You know what I mean? Because

Speaker 1 Yanni probably eats or whatever, right?

Speaker 1 Right? And we're eating gruel, whatever the hippies eat. What do you mean, bean gruel? You're the bean gruel they make.
You know what I mean? And matcha. Matcha, green gruel.
Yeah, matcha gruel.

Speaker 1 Right. And we're with our hands.
They love to do it with their hands. Yeah, like Ethiopia.
Right.

Speaker 1 But right before we do that, we've got our hands hennaed.

Speaker 1 You know how they love to henna their hands, Yanni and all those white hands. Do you have a hemp necklace on? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's got a stone in it. Yeah, yeah.
What color is a stone?

Speaker 1 Purple, lime green. You sure it's not yellow? It is.
It's yellow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then, yeah, there he is. Yanni.
Mega babe. Yeah.
And then we go and we talk about like new age things like

Speaker 1 Cosmos.

Speaker 1 Cosmos? Yeah, yeah. Talk to me about Cosmos.
I thought you were going to say Cosby for a second.

Speaker 1 And then he's going to go, I'm going to go, he's going to go, I'm a musician, Yanni. I'm going to go, yeah, I know who you are, but I'm not a fan.

Speaker 1 I don't like your music. And what do you think that would do with the relationship? Do you think that would be harder on him than if he wasn't, you weren't a fan?

Speaker 1 But then maybe I would lie and go, some of your stuff's all right.

Speaker 1 Right? But my point is, do you understand someone's saying that? I think those are the situations I'm in. Of course.
They vaguely know what I do, right?

Speaker 1 But it's not like they listen to Tiger Burly or Bad Friends or they liked Mad TV. Well, let me tell you something.
What? They would be lucky to date someone like you. What is wrong with you today?

Speaker 1 You're going this way and then this way?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. No, but I think you are such a wonderful person that any girl would be lucky to have you in their life.
Oh my God, listen, my friend.

Speaker 1 Sexually, emotionally, like platonically, anybody on Earth would would be lucky to have you as a friend or a lover. I don't want to talk about that.
On planet Earth.

Speaker 1 What I'm going to say to you is that. On planet Earth.
I love it. Thank you.
Because you're a special person.

Speaker 1 I love it. And you mean a lot.
Okay. To me, especially.

Speaker 1 You mean the most to me. Thank you.
And any girl that you bring around, she's got to go through me.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Any girl that you bring around that you get serious with, she's got to go through me. Yeah, when I'm serious.

Speaker 1 I already have my plan. You do? Oh, yeah.
What is it?

Speaker 1 Well, I feel like I'm going to know the feeling. You're going to know when it happens.
Right. I'm going to go, it's going to click one day.
That's the one. Yeah, I like Veronica.

Speaker 1 I want to exclusively date Veronica. Right.
And we're going to take it to the next level. Well, what is that? Just a committed relationship.

Speaker 1 You look at Veronica in the eyes and go, you know, you don't fuck nobody else. You don't fuck anybody else.
Yeah, I won't fuck nobody else. You don't fucking nobody else.
And we're together, right?

Speaker 1 You don't fucking nobody else. And at that point, there's a list of people I'm going to probably call

Speaker 1 and tell that I'm in a thing. But doesn't she have to meet these people too to get through? First, I'm going to get their approval.
Correct, yeah. That's right.
The approval. Number one is your mom.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Number one.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Then probably you next. Then number three?

Speaker 1 Well, Kalila, probably. Okay, number four?

Speaker 1 Steve. Number five.

Speaker 1 My agents and my managers. Okay.

Speaker 1 Number six.

Speaker 1 George.

Speaker 1 Okay. Are these guys on the list? Okay, no.
Neither of them. Yeah.
I mean, I haven't seen Pete. He never calls me or texts me.
Why, Pete, why have you been gone so much?

Speaker 1 I have a family. Oh, fuck you, Pete.

Speaker 1 Why I got dude? They said older people have families and they go to work. I'm so busy.
I got kids. Oh, dude.
Fuck. They need me.
Fuck you. Fuck you, Pete.
All right. Can we,

Speaker 1 real quick, Fancy, can I say it or no? Wait, let me guess. We can cut it out.
Can I guess? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Congratulations.

Speaker 1 Congrats, Fancy. He's gay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You're gay? Yeah.
Well, he came out. He came out.
He divorced his wife and he's finally. Oh, man.
Great. These are free, right? You feel free? I'm free.
Let me ask you. Let me ask you.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you, it's not. Is she pregnant? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Congratulations. That's huge.
We're going to have a little fancy around this place. That's amazing.
How do you feel? 90% excited. I feel good.
10% terrified. Feared.
How did your family take it? Good.

Speaker 1 My family is very excited. Oh, they are? Or a girl you don't know yet? It's a girl.
It is? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
What is she going to to be like, do you think? You know. Come on, baby.

Speaker 1 Take it to my room.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. The number one goal fancy when you have a girl is to what?

Speaker 1 Keep her

Speaker 1 in the house. In the house? In the house? What the fuck? What the fuck is that? Yeah.
Safe. Safe.
Safe's good. What else?

Speaker 1 Let's see what kind of parent you're going to be. Away from comedians.
Oh, wait. Had I invited comedians?

Speaker 1 By the way, you're going to raise her here. You know, when we're doing the show, she's going to be sitting in one of the bubble chairs.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine? I already know what kind of girl she's going to be. Give it to us.
Tell us. Do you know? No.
I want to know.

Speaker 1 I mean, I think.

Speaker 1 She's going to be like a prop person at some theater, community theater. Oh.

Speaker 1 Get the fucking cape. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The king scene's up.

Speaker 1 I don't know where we put it last year.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think she's going to be?

Speaker 1 Make a guess. What you just said is so good a stage hand.

Speaker 1 It's so funny.

Speaker 1 I think she'll work.

Speaker 1 I think in high school she'll get a job at Starbucks. For sure.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 in college, she'll return to Starbucks when she comes back to LA. Yeah, for sure.
And then she'll try to be an actor, without a doubt. For sure.
And she will not make it. Never.

Speaker 1 And continue to work at Starbucks late into her 50s and 60s.

Speaker 1 And Fancy B will be old and be like, why do you never try to

Speaker 1 do anything else?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And she'll somehow also have an accent.
Are you going to be strict?

Speaker 1 Yes. Of course.
Look at that fucking sweater he's got on. That says everything you need to know.
Yeah. The sweater with the collar popping through says, I'm a strict guy.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You guys are making me sweat. Yeah.
Oh, really? Yeah. No, I think it's reality that's settling in.
It's such a huge responsibility. It is.
Fuck you, Dad.

Speaker 1 I'm all fentanyl.

Speaker 1 There's nothing you can do about it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're always at that fucking podcast. Yeah.
With that ginger and that Chinese kid. You're never home with me ever, dad.

Speaker 1 Fuck you. Fuck Spain.
And fuck Spain. I don't like going to Spain.
Yeah. Your family sucks.
Sucks. What are you going to say when she says?

Speaker 1 Are we going to keep doing the podcast into 10 years more?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
We're doing this forever. Yeah.
We're never going to stop. Yeah, we're never stopping this.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 She's going to work for us. Yes.
Yeah. That's a fact.
She's going to work. In fact, I'm not going to give up just because I want her to work for us.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going to keep doing this just so we get to her to becoming an employee. When are we gonna? We're gonna do this podcast.

Speaker 1 Bobby will be in one old folks' home, I'll be in another, and we'll have to zoom. They'll have to FaceTime us and they'll be giving us our pudding, our gruel in the middle of the podcast.

Speaker 1 We're gonna do this till we're dead.

Speaker 1 So, I'll be when she's 21, we'll be in my 70s. Yeah,

Speaker 1 come on, wash on my feet.

Speaker 1 How come the mic not turned on every time I come in here, right? No, no, nothing working. YouTube too slow.

Speaker 1 You know, I say, Google, you know.

Speaker 1 Google, go ahead. That's it.
Okay, that's it.

Speaker 1 Well, she's going to work for us. You better believe it.
I want to be her grandfather. I want to be like a father figure.
I want to teach her things. I want to be Uncle Andy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We'll take her what's

Speaker 1 fishing? Shooting? Guns? Yeah, yeah, fishing. Oh, yeah.
Guns. Oh, you shoot with

Speaker 1 guns, don't you? I don't know. In a barrel.
How do you get a mouse? No, but we can go to the lake. What lake, where can we go? What lake?

Speaker 1 Honestly, what lake?

Speaker 1 Lake We can go to what?

Speaker 1 Big Bear has a lake. We'll go to Big Bear Lake.
Is there a Big Bear Lake? Yeah, we'll take it. I've been out there.
There's a lake out there, right? Or Arrowhead.

Speaker 1 We'll go to Arrowhead or Big Bear Lake, right? I'll bring out the rods. We can get the salmon.
Is there salmon there? It's so far. Can we just take her to Echo Park Lake?

Speaker 1 How about the Hollywood Reservoir with all the

Speaker 1 Hollywood Reservoir? That's fine. Yeah, yeah.
Are there fish in there? Hollywood Reservoir? Yeah. It's for potable water.
It's for drinking. Oh, I see.
My bad.

Speaker 1 In the event that we run out of water, which we will. I didn't know.
Have you ever been up there to Hollywood Lake? Lake Hollywood? No.

Speaker 1 Really? Beautiful. It's just so weird that it's like this beautiful lake surrounded by houses and it's tucked in the hills and nobody knows.
I mean, unless you're a local, nobody goes up there.

Speaker 1 I have no idea that there's a lot of people. There's a beautiful dog park up there.
It's great. Really? On the other side, it's like below the Hollywood sign.
Oh, well, I used to, that

Speaker 1 dog park right there that's open. Yeah.
I used to bring Gobi there all the time. Below the Hollywood side.
I never saw, yeah, right below the Hollywood side. I never saw a lake there.

Speaker 1 You go around the corner, there's a lake down there. There's a lake down there.
A lake down there. Wow.

Speaker 1 I did not know. Yeah, there's a lake down there.
I almost bought a house up there. Did you really? Yeah.
It It was literally right across the street from that open dog park.

Speaker 1 And you would have been near Lake Hollywood. I know, overlooking that thing.
Greta Garbo. A lot of famous people used to live up there.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Beautiful area. What's his name?

Speaker 1 Who's got the cane? Charlie Chaplin used to live up there. Yeah, he also, when I lived in Sanborn,

Speaker 1 that apartment building I lived in was an insane asylum that he owned. No.
Yeah. Really? Yeah, on Sanborn.
And somebody jumped off, like some kid jumped off the third floor of that Didn't die. Died.

Speaker 1 Three stories? Pretty high up. Weak bones.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's not that far. I've fallen from second story when I was drunk in college.
It's a pretty spooky place. I lived there for a year.
Did you ever walk past it to give you the creeps?

Speaker 1 The MS-13 gang members were more scary. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They were a little bit more scary. Yeah.
Because they were there. No ghosts are real.
And there was this guy named Jimmy. Did I ever talk about Jimmy?

Speaker 1 Every day, right, he would knock on my door. Amen.
I need $20 every day, like clockwork. Did you give it to him? Like, I would do it for a year.

Speaker 1 I did it for a year. And then one day I said, 20 bucks a day for a year.
And then one day I said, You know who has more money than me? The lady that lives across the hallway. Smart.

Speaker 1 And he goes, What's your name? I go, Her name is Natasha Legero. Did she really live across the hallway? No way.
Yeah, and so he would knock on her door. And then she moved.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then she moved.

Speaker 1 Give me $20.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I wanted to tell you, I watched a documentary about a thing called One Taste. What is that?

Speaker 1 It was a sex cult in San Francisco. And boy, oh, boy, was this thing fucking phenomenal, this documentary.
What was it? It's on Netflix? Yeah, it's on right now. It's called

Speaker 1 Orgasm Inc.

Speaker 1 Well, let me look before we talk about it. Let me look at it first, and next week we can talk about it Sunday.
Look at that. Oh, shit.
Sex cult, though.

Speaker 1 No, you can tell me about how you feel about it next week, but I just want to pick your brain about it. Would you ever, as a single guy, would you ever go to like a sex,

Speaker 1 you know, they have these things called hedonism? Do you know what that is? Like it's camp hedonism? Yeah. Would you ever go to one of those where it's like a vacation

Speaker 1 fuck party? I would. You would.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Why don't we do it? Let's set you up. Yeah, sign me up.
But is there a catalog of what they look like or not? You don't know. Oh, you don't know Rochambeau.
Yeah, it's like it's a lottery.

Speaker 1 It's a scramble. You're getting what you get.
Right. And then do you have to make love?

Speaker 1 I think it's powerful. Can I just show up and like eat things?

Speaker 1 I feel like that's what you're going to do anyway, but I do think you're supposed to fuck. You know what I would do?

Speaker 1 I was take those, you know, the Japanese candies where you dunk the stick into the chocolate. What is that? What's that called? Pockies? Dump, dunk, dunking it.
Dunk it. You dunk it in?

Speaker 1 I'll just sit there and eat those. Dunkaroos.
Yeah. What was that? A beginner sex chat? Look up hedonism and see how much it is if we can get Bobby over to Hedonism.

Speaker 1 Can we get you to do that, do you think? Would you go on a little trip? Yeah, if zoom in on that guy.

Speaker 1 Zoom in on his dick. Yeah, zoom on the dick.
I got to tell you something. Yeah, yeah.
Pinch and spread, Pete. Triumph.
I got to tell you, that's no bigger than yours, buddy. Mine?

Speaker 1 That's not bigger than yours. It's not.
No, so I'm saying, shouldn't you feel comfortable now? I know, but he's going to want to fucking collaborate. So?

Speaker 1 He's going to go, hey, follow me on this, and then let's do videos together. And then next thing I know, I'm doing sketches with this guy in a fucking tree.
OnlyFan sketch.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't want to do that. You know me, I can't say no

Speaker 1 in that environment. So I'm going, oh, yeah.
I'm writing sketches.

Speaker 1 Right? And then, can my girlfriend do it? Right. And then they're fucking, I'm not fucking anybody.
And I'm like the head rider of their fucking

Speaker 1 hedonism sketches. Yeah, yeah, I don't want to do that.
Do you remember having a Bob? He got stuck in a girl Jamaica. He's doing like sketches now.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He's a showrunner in fucking hedonism.

Speaker 1 Oh, look at this. This is years ago, but this popped back up onto my feed somehow.
This woman blinded herself with drain cleaner because she always wanted to be disabled.

Speaker 1 She wanted to be blind since birth. She fucking doused her own eyes and now she's blind.

Speaker 1 It's a long time ago. This article is from years ago, but it just popped up in my feed somehow on YouTube.
And I was like, what? This woman threw drain cleaner in her eyeballs to blind herself.

Speaker 1 Can you just?

Speaker 1 What's that music? Let's see. Hold on.
Hilshi's going to show you the video of this woman.

Speaker 3 I went blind on purpose, but I don't know it was a choice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 For most people, going blind would be a nightmare. But for Jewel Shuping, it was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream.
She suffers from a rare condition called body integrity identity disorder.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 3 I don't think I'm crazy. I think I have a disorder.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but take medicine. Take medicine.
Imagine Stevie Wonder finding out about this woman. She did it to herself.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying. Yeah.
It's nuts. Nuts.
That's insane. Yeah.
And she says it's a mental disorder, right? She says it's like a thing.

Speaker 1 Get help.

Speaker 1 Get help. Yeah, yeah.
Don't lose your vision.

Speaker 1 Or just eye patches.

Speaker 1 Two pirate eye patches and walk around with that. Lady.
Yeah. You could have just closed your eyes all day.

Speaker 1 Get a blind person. We go blind too at night.

Speaker 1 All right. The lengths that this woman goes to, she blinded herself and says it was like she needed, you know, someone says like,

Speaker 1 in her mind, she thinks it's the same as like a trans person being like i need i've always felt like i was a guy i got a transition to be a guy right she said she's always felt blind and she needed to physically be blind

Speaker 1 right

Speaker 1 lady lady

Speaker 1 yeah if you okay let's say this if you were going to disable yourself in some way what would yours be what could you live with this woman lived with blindness so you have what i purposely get rid of if i said to gun to your head you got to get rid of something no okay but that's not what happened to her you gotta all right in this scenario, you gotta, I'll shoot you.

Speaker 1 It doesn't have to be something. What is that? My voice.
You can never speak again? Yeah. That's how you make money.
That's true. Oh, my fucking God.
You're bad. You got a shut up my head.
I know.

Speaker 1 Say,

Speaker 1 I'm under pressure. I thought you'd say.
Take the gun away. Okay.
Take the gun away, yeah. You got a bow and arrow.

Speaker 1 What? A bow and arrow. My

Speaker 1 hearing. You don't you want to be deaf? You're a stand-up comedian.
I'm a stand-up comedian. That's right.
Take the bow away. By the way, imagine you deaf and you put on headphones.

Speaker 1 They just keep sliding off somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 My knife. My legs.
Yeah. Get rid of my legs.
Okay, so that's the one. You would take one leg.
No, you got to take both. It's a pair.
Okay. It's my legs.

Speaker 1 So it's a pair of eyes, a pair of ears, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would you? Hey, I don't know what this is.
Yeah, hey, I have to take it. Oh, my testicles.
My testicles. Really?

Speaker 1 It's a pair. It is a pair.
I got away with it. Yeah, yeah.
See? I still got to keep my shaft. Oh, that's true.

Speaker 1 Can you still feel good things with the shaft gun? No, but you don't need your ball. You can come without your ball.
You know, you can feel or an orgasm without actually ejaculating come.

Speaker 1 Oh, you can? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 They need a pill to feel better after your orgasm.

Speaker 1 Interesting. Like, when I come,

Speaker 1 just a little observation, right? When I come, there's a void in my heart and my soul. Yeah.
You know what I mean? And an emptiness. And I can feel the wind.
We all feel this way.

Speaker 1 I can feel the wind blowing through it. I have a joke about it.
I'm telling that stage right now.

Speaker 1 I need a pill to make me feel better in that moment. Well, drugs.

Speaker 1 And then when the come reloads, love comes back. Well, here's the deal.

Speaker 1 We're all sad after we come. I've talked about this on stage.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I found a trick. What is it? I put the cum right back in.
I get a little funnel and I just put it. I go, I take it right off her back and I put it right back in.
Ah, you do.

Speaker 1 Is it a compartment or you stick it back through that little hole?

Speaker 1 I put it back in the hole.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't have like a side door in my nuts at.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, my bad. I don't know how the human body works.
I mean, could you jam it in your butthole? And then does it coke? You can't refill it that way? I guess we should try. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That'd be cool. We were like Pez dispensers and we could just lift up and

Speaker 1 come back in her neck and it comes back to the fucking balls.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I feel better again. Yeah.
Or do what I've been doing. What have you been doing? Fucking listen to this, dude.
Listen, listen up. Fucking A, dude.
I'm a fucking pro on it. I know.
It's called brah

Speaker 1 edging.

Speaker 1 Edging.

Speaker 1 I know it. Master.

Speaker 1 Edger, dude. I know.

Speaker 1 I like to ride. I like to ride.
I don't even come. Yeah, you get close and you stop.
Yeah. Yeah.
And I leave.

Speaker 1 I fucking leave, dude. Really? Yeah.
A couple times I've done that.

Speaker 1 I look at the girl, I go, we're edging today. She's like, what? So you get really close, then you give up.
And I'm about to come. I pull up.
I leave.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Then what? I drive home.

Speaker 1 Hard. No emptiness.
Hard. Yeah.
No, it goes down. It doesn't hurt? No, but then don't pee for a while.
How long?

Speaker 1 You know, sometimes you ever done that? Where you make love and then you pee and 19 sprays come out? Yeah. And you have to clean the fuck up.
You put your finger on the hose.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate that when that happens.
I hate when that happens. Sometimes I'll have morning wood in the morning.
Yeah. Which I know you don't get anymore.
No, I get them now.

Speaker 1 You do? Full-blown, dude. Every morning.
Wow. Every morning, I get it.
You're back, baby. I'm back.
My machine's back. He's back.
Yeah, yeah. The kid is back.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, one one of those cars that Jay Leno has, like, you know what I mean? In good condition, but old. It's a model T.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Model T. Model T.
Wait a minute. Do you guys still get morning wood? Yeah.
Yep. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When you get morning wood, sometimes you had to pee from the night before, and then you have to wait till the boner goes down so you can pee. Yeah.
I have to just stand in the bathroom. Oh, I hate.

Speaker 1 Or, no, that's not what I do. You push it down and piss? I pinch it.
Oh, dude. Yeah.
I pinch it. What do you guys do? What do you do? If you wake up hard, you got to piss.
I just go.

Speaker 1 I got shit to do.

Speaker 1 Piss Piss with a boner? I clean it up. I just got to go.
I got to go. I got to take care of it.
So you clean the ceiling of your bathroom? Or he just? I mean,

Speaker 1 it's early.

Speaker 1 It's early. Yeah.
Yeah. But the morning wood in the morning, though, isn't out of horniness.
No, I know. Yeah, it's weird, right? You know, there's two reasons it happens.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 I'm not a doctor. Do you teach me? Well, one of them is actually to protect you from pissing yourself at night.
Do you know that? No.

Speaker 1 So if enough blood is blocking, it's filling the muscle of your penis, it's to aid your prostate and bladder from not expelling penis. If it's bubbling up.
Yeah. The other reason is from

Speaker 1 fucking testosterone surging through your body first thing in the morning. We are the horniest in the morning.
Men have the highest testosterone count first thing in the morning.

Speaker 1 Wow, I did not know that. Well, that's why we're morning fuckers and women are night fuckers.
It's insane. What's crazy about it? There's a book all about it.

Speaker 1 What's crazy is they're primed to have sex in the nocturnal. We are primed to have it first thing in the morning.

Speaker 1 Because historically, we would want to get up, fuck, and then go kill and gather for the rest of the day. Oh.

Speaker 1 We wanted to go fucking go get the food, go do this thing. So we wanted to rope a nut off first thing in the morning.
Let me ask you something. Could I not do that back in the day?

Speaker 1 You would not have been a hunter and gatherer. Yeah, could I not do that? You'd have been a homemaker.
I mean, is there other options, or that was the only option? As a guy,

Speaker 1 you had to go out and kill and gather, or you were killed by the community. A shaman.
I think you could be a shaman. That's it.
I'd be the smoke guy. I'd herb, smoke.
You know what I mean? Have a hut.

Speaker 1 But even him, you know, they'd kill him pretty quick, too. Maybe.
Could I be making moccasins? Let me see your hands.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Look, no, look.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You see it now, right? Yeah.
I can make moccasins. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Imagine some fucking white cowboy careening over a hill with his horses and seeing a tribe of Indians, Cherokees, if you will.

Speaker 1 And of all these beautiful Cherokee men and women, sitting in the middle of them is a little tiny Korean man.

Speaker 1 How did you get there? Oh, it'd be like Last of the Mohicans, probably. Yeah, but it'd be first of all.
First on my first of the Koreans. It'd be first of the Koreans.
Yeah, first of the Koreans.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. It wouldn't be like First of the Koreans.
First of the Koreans. It's a group of Cherokee men and women.
Yeah. And you.
I want Daniel Day-Lewis still to play him. 100%.
He's a great actor.

Speaker 1 How could he not? He's a great actor. Who's the white? Who's the lead white that finds you? Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 It's got to be Christian Bale. CB.
Very good. Really good, right? All right.
Right. And

Speaker 1 who does he befriend? Who's the native that he befriends? What do you mean? See, he befriends one of the natives to try to get to you to the first Korean. Right.

Speaker 1 But you are protected by the community, and they don't want to let you go. You're basically gold to them.
Right. You're a barter.
They barter you. So who would play the friend?

Speaker 1 Who would play the native friend? The native friend. Do you have any native friends? From the show? Do you have any native friends from the show? I would just ask Tyka to do it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Tyka Waititi is native. But not native to America.
Does it matter? It kind of does in this regard. Yeah.
I think we'd have to stick with a real name. Charlie Hill.

Speaker 1 Is he on the show? I'm going to put Charlie Hill in there. Who is that man? He died.
Oh.

Speaker 1 We can't CGI him in? We can. Yeah.
They're CGIing everybody now. I know, I know.

Speaker 1 But yeah, the first of the Koreans, that's a good movie idea. The very first of the Koreans.
Yeah. And

Speaker 1 their whole job is to try to get you away from the movie. Let me ask you something.
You're worth the money. Let me ask you about Last of the Mexicans.
Sure.

Speaker 1 I never, even as a kid, when I watched that movie,

Speaker 1 and this is just a question. and it's not comedic in any kind of way.
It's just a real question. We'll find a way.
You think that if a

Speaker 1 native person

Speaker 1 found a white baby, they would be like, hey, let's bring him into the tribe.

Speaker 1 Or do you think they would throw it in the river?

Speaker 1 Interesting.

Speaker 1 I mean, honestly. No, no, I don't.
I mean, the white people have been slaughtering them. They find a white baby.
You think they're going to be, you're one of us. Or would they smoke him?

Speaker 1 Well, I'd use it as collateral. Oh, as a chipping.
Right, they would use it.

Speaker 1 Basically, they've got a free hostage. Right.
I would use that as collateral. It's like what the Russians are doing with Brittany Griner.

Speaker 1 All right. It's like, they're not letting that girl out.
Interesting. She had a little bit of weed.
They're not letting her out. They're using her to fuck with the United States.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you would use the little white baby. Yeah.
You know, and some whites came along the hill. You'd get what you need.
You're like, we'll kill this fucking baby. And a white baby is a lot of money.

Speaker 1 Worth the most. I mean, it's the worst.

Speaker 1 If they got a Korean baby,

Speaker 1 what is that?

Speaker 1 I mean, a couple of of pairs of sheephide? Yeah, one sheep hide. One sheep hide and a fucking, you know what I mean? What would you get you? Deer bone.
One deer bone? Yeah. Like a leg?

Speaker 1 Like a leg bone, right? But a white baby is, wow. First of all, you get a live deer for six horses.
Yeah. White baby, six horses.
Six horsepower baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right?

Speaker 1 Six horse white porpoise. How much would you get black baby?

Speaker 1 Good talk. Well, I said Korean.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, this is not for comedy.

Speaker 1 Six black horses. You'd get stallions.
Okay, good. You'd get six stallions.
Good Good save.

Speaker 1 Good save.

Speaker 1 Very good. How about a Mexican baby?

Speaker 1 You get a dozen donkeys. Okay, good.

Speaker 1 This is a great game. I love this game.

Speaker 1 How about

Speaker 1 a Middle Eastern baby? You tell me. You already know.
12 camels.

Speaker 1 This is fun, right?

Speaker 1 What's a hard one? What's a harder one? Let's go harder. Right?

Speaker 1 A Chinese baby.

Speaker 1 You know. Six companies, I guess.
No.

Speaker 1 Six six six six corporations. Six corporations.

Speaker 1 Six movie theaters. I would say six pan does.
Six pan does.

Speaker 1 What about six? What about Russian baby? Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Two tanks.

Speaker 1 Two tanks? Yeah. A Russian baby.
No, one tank. Tanks are expensive.
They're so expensive. They're so expensive.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What about

Speaker 1 a baby from Spain? Oh, God. Spanish baby.
10 pesos.

Speaker 1 I think you get two siestas. Yeah, you see two naps.
You get two naps to get that baby.

Speaker 1 That's an interesting thing. I got to tell you,

Speaker 1 if you're right, in retrospect, if we're going back to you being genuine,

Speaker 1 they would kill that white baby on the spot.

Speaker 1 When I was watching that movie,

Speaker 1 I'm like, why would they do that? No, they'd use it as like a piñata.

Speaker 1 I know. Try to see what's in it.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Golo.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I mean, that baby would not be alive. You poke a couple holes in it, whistles like that old football.

Speaker 1 I know. I mean, that's a true movie.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. That's what would happen.

Speaker 1 The native football game, and they use the white baby as the ball. Yeah.
That I believe. And why is last of every in these movies a white person? Last of the samurai, white dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Last of the Mohicans, white person. No,

Speaker 1 I I think it's projection. I think you guys want us out of here.

Speaker 1 I think you want us last.

Speaker 1 Because we've been first for so long. No, you're the last of the people.
Yeah, because they've gotten rid of us. But you guys are writing these movies.

Speaker 1 I know, because I think we want to get out of here. Oh, is that what it is? Well, you guys are taking over.
We got to get the fuck out of here. I'm like, I'm all right.
Okay, I get it. You're like a

Speaker 1 freedom writer or white. I'm one of the good guys.
Like, in the 60s, I think you would be like on the bus with the civil rights guy. Fuck yeah.
But you know what? I'd be killed immediately. I know.

Speaker 1 Because the redhead, they're like, oh, yeah, kill that fucking guy. They're not going to let me live.
Yeah. Because they look at me.
I don't look like Massachusetts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I look like white scum. They think I'm scum.

Speaker 1 The rich whites, the wealthy whites, when I go around them, they look at me weird. Really? I don't look like any of those guys.
Like the Kennedys? Bring up the fucking Kennedys.

Speaker 1 You want to talk about when whites see wealthy people, they know it.

Speaker 1 They have a fucking look. Dude, you could be a Kennedy, dude.
Fucking no, I couldn't. If you wore a suit and you took that fucking.

Speaker 1 Look at what they look like in the face. Look at the Kennedys.
Look at his face. They have like a fucking.

Speaker 1 They have a jawline thing that's very similar. No, the Kennedys are...
Look at that thing.

Speaker 1 No, yeah. Look at Bobby and look at him.
Look what they look like. They have like a teethy, toothy.
Oh, a teethy toothy. Teethy, toothy.
Yeah, I get it.

Speaker 1 When white people have teethy toothies, I don't like it. It's in East Coast.
It's an East Coast toothy. It's a wealthy.
Look at him and his brother with his stupid fucking hair right next to him.

Speaker 1 They literally can only focus on although their teeth. Well, teeth are toothies.
Yeah, wow, you're right. They're all teethy toothies.
They're all teethy toothies right there.

Speaker 1 But it's something about that East Coast, wealthy, elitist.

Speaker 1 They look the same.

Speaker 1 Bring up a picture of the Rockefeller family. Let's see what the Rockefellers look like.
Yeah, you're right. Or the Gettys.
Do you know about the Gettys? I love the Gettys.

Speaker 1 They're billionaires, billia, billia, billionaire. Let me see what the Rockefeller family looked like.
I bet you they're teethy toothy as well. Get that pic.
Look at that big fucking picture. Oh,

Speaker 1 look at that. Is he not a teeth-toothie?

Speaker 1 You tell me that's not a teethy-toothie-white? Yellow teeth. It's a yellow teeth.
Well, it's an Asian teethy, teethy, toothy. Yeah.
Is that the Rockefellers right there?

Speaker 1 The history of the Rockefeller family. Zoom in on those guys.
See, they learned over the years. No one's teethy toothing in that one.
They learned. They're all closing their mouth, conscious.
Right.

Speaker 1 They had a meeting. They're like, no more teethy toothies, boys.

Speaker 1 Can't be seen teeth-toothies.

Speaker 1 They just seem powerful, huh? Because even if you didn't tell me who they were,

Speaker 1 I would get scared looking at that photo. Rich whites are just different.
There's something else about the wealthy whites.

Speaker 1 Wealthy whites in America have this fucking look. Yeah.
They have a thing.

Speaker 1 It's scary.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, here's the deal.
I love it. If I book hedonism for you.
I'm not going to go. Please.
Stop. Let me go.
I'm going to book it. I'm not going to be there.
Why?

Speaker 1 Can we film it?

Speaker 1 If we film it for the show, will you go? What about this? I'll pay for it. I'll pay for all of it.

Speaker 1 I'll give you something else. All right.
Bad Friends has our own hedonism.

Speaker 1 Right? Smart. What we do is, what we'll do is we'll do it in the desert.

Speaker 1 So we'll get like the biggest house, Airbnb. Bakersfield.
You want to do it in Bakersfield? Yeah, it'd be funny. Yeah, we'll go to Bakersfield.

Speaker 1 You know what? We'll rent out one floor of a hotel. In Bakersfield.

Speaker 1 And we'll open up all the doors, right? So people can go in and out of rooms. Right?

Speaker 1 And we call it Bad Friends. You know what I mean? Bakersfield.
Bakersfield.

Speaker 1 Bad Friends Bakersfield. Sexy Time.
Sexy Time. Yeah.
It's a long title, but we're working on sexy time with Bad Friends.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. right.
We'll figure it out.

Speaker 1 And we,

Speaker 1 and I'm the madame.

Speaker 1 Maderm. Maderm.
Maderm. I'm the guy.
I wear a smoking jacket,

Speaker 1 right? Pipe.

Speaker 1 Silver my hair. Right.
Sandals. Penis out.

Speaker 1 It'll be out. Robe open, baby.
I can't open with penis. Robe open.
Okay, oh, yeah, I'll welcome people with my dick out.

Speaker 1 You're right. That's the best way.
I mean, we want them to stay, right? Right. So they come out of the elevator.
I'm there.

Speaker 1 Oh, Bobby.

Speaker 1 Maybe we could record come on, baby. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Walk down the street.

Speaker 1 No, open the door. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 They come in, they'll probably giggle.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Because they see my little guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I do like,

Speaker 1 I have to do a giggle back. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Name, please.

Speaker 1 Name, please. Kristen.
Room 4B. Oh.

Speaker 1 All right, baby. Can I tell you some of how hotels work, though?

Speaker 1 Four would be tough. Why? 4B?

Speaker 1 What do you want? Friends?

Speaker 1 How many hotels have you stayed in? Oh, yeah, right, you're right. It's like 308 or

Speaker 1 419. My bad.
4B? What do you want? Sitcom?

Speaker 1 Just Kramer in 4C?

Speaker 1 It's a boutique. I'm here for the fucking...
It's a boutique hotel. You said a whole floor.
That's right. Okay, Leslie.

Speaker 1 What are we going to rent, really? Like a Marriott? Like a courtyard? You're in room 4312.

Speaker 1 Is that better? On the 43rd floor.

Speaker 1 I'm the 12th room. Yeah.

Speaker 1 By the way, there's a couple of fans at home right now that are just figuring out that those numbers coincide with the floor. Oh, right.
Some people are like, what? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So the 43rd floor, I'm in the 12th room. You're in the 12th room.
Okay, thank you. Right.
Yeah. I go in there.

Speaker 1 I go in there, and who's in there jerking off?

Speaker 1 But here's the thing: who is in there jerking off? I am because I had one

Speaker 1 while she goes to the fucking room. I take a back fucking wave, right?

Speaker 1 And just start jerking out.

Speaker 1 She thinks it's magic. Right?

Speaker 1 She's like, how did you? Right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Come on, baby.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 That'd be cool.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend.