Goo: The Movie & Bobby's Beef with Brian Moses

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who You are these two idiots.

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. I want to be your underdeveloped Siamese twin.

Speaker 1 As a kid, you were born with like a mole. I have one on my leg.
Right, but maybe we have the mole in your stomach.

Speaker 1 I do have one on my stomach. All right, so, and as the years go by, it just grows into more of a, people think it's a tumor.

Speaker 1 Right? And then by age 12, you see an eyeball. No, I'm the guy.
You're normal. You're not like this.
No, you're not like, no, you're not. You're not like that because you're the normal one.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm me? Yeah, you're you. I got it.
I'm, you know what I mean, coming out. So go on.
Right. There's a finger, an eyeball, age 12, right? You go to the doctor, like, we think it's, we don't know.

Speaker 1 We're not sure. We're not sure.
And then you're like, you're so afraid. Your parents are like, no, we got to get it out.
We got it. We got to get it.
And you're like, you have a phobia of surgery.

Speaker 1 Of course. Right? So you go, I want to wait.
It's my decision. It's my body.
My body, my choice. My body, my choice, right? Yeah.
And then by

Speaker 1 18, you can tell it's, but it's weird because you're like, I think it's Asian.

Speaker 1 My little mole has grown into my side of the moon. It's like a mouth.
Now the Asian eyes are out, right? Big cheeks, right? A finger. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 And at night when I sleep, I just, I'm sleeping, and all I hear is, we are siamis.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We are siamis.

Speaker 1 If you don't, please

Speaker 1 don't tell me you don't know what this is.

Speaker 2 Oh, from Aristocrats. No, it's Lady.
Or Lady of the Trail. Yeah,

Speaker 1 one of the cat movies. By 225.
One of those cat movies. You have a full-blown

Speaker 1 shoulder head.

Speaker 1 You're teaching me how to speak. A Korean man is protruding from the head.
I'm out late at night. You can hear.

Speaker 1 Because my head is. I have a neck now.
Oh, you're eating? No, I'm eating a dick. I said you're taking it.
No, no.

Speaker 1 We want to do a family?

Speaker 1 I'm not a rider. I'm not a rider.
I can't tell.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute.

Speaker 1 I think you're just eating something at night, but I'm afraid you're going to gain us weight.

Speaker 1 Right. So I hear you.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, and I wake up. Yeah.
Just cut it out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Always ramen. We're going to get fat.
The slurping.

Speaker 1 Right, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can it be that you sometimes think it's your dick, but it's just ramen? Sure. We'll do one.
We'll cut it out. Okay.
It's a scene. No, it's fine.
Can we just have it for me? One.

Speaker 1 Let me throw it out there. It's going to be like a dream and he wakes up.

Speaker 2 And you're just eating.

Speaker 1 Juicy plays. You get married.
To Juicy? No. Okay.
She's your daughter. Got it.
That makes more sense. Now you're 50.
She's full-grown. Yeah.
And you've been hiding me this whole time.

Speaker 1 How could I hide a half-Korean man sticking out of my body? They think you're fat. You guys just think I'm really porky.
You're like that. Yeah, you have like, yeah, you have like.

Speaker 1 What do you say to your friends when your friends say, when they're like, Juicy, it's kind of weird.

Speaker 1 When your dad, when I see your dad in the front yard, he looks like something's wrong with his chest.

Speaker 2 Oh, he's just fat as fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't even have to write lyrics.
I mean, dialogue, I'd be sorry. But you know what?

Speaker 1 I love calling them lyrics. Lyrics.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go to set tomorrow and be like, these lyrics are not.

Speaker 1 All right, fucked up. I'm not going to sing this song on camera.
I fucked up. And then,

Speaker 1 because your wife knows.

Speaker 1 Okay, I would hope so. Yeah, because you'd have to hide me.
It's impossible. Imagine if she doesn't.
Every time I get naked, I have like a towel draped over me.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, it's just a comfort thing. It's like a it's it's hard to justify riding-wise.
Well, what is it? What is it? Like it doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 2 When you guys are alone, you're like, when are you gonna introduce me to your wife?

Speaker 1 You never make it. Let's make it dark.

Speaker 1 How about this? You're born.

Speaker 1 Your wife mysteriously dies. Oh, wow.
I killed him. I killed her.

Speaker 1 And I, how, you were sleeping, right?

Speaker 1 I found, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Wait, are you my uncle?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I'm your uncle. Okay.

Speaker 1 She finds two chopsticks in her eyes, right? And while I was eating ramen, I just jabbed her eyes out with the two chopsticks. Whoa.
No, too much? I mean, A24. It's more A24.
I feel like it's an A24.

Speaker 1 It feels A24. Get him on the phone.
Right, right. And then what happens?

Speaker 1 And then I have to avenge my wife's death by deciding whether or not I'm going to kill you, which actually kills me. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Or travel around the world to one country that the one doctor will do this very risky surgery. I have it.
Oh, you take it away. I have it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You finally, you've had enough. You know that i i murdered your wife with two chopsticks

Speaker 1 right

Speaker 1 you're like fuck it i gotta get the surgery gotta right yeah and when you i get surgically right removed removed you hear this

Speaker 1 oh no what happened i i i have two arms oh you're walking on your arms i i run away

Speaker 1 Right? And now you're like, fuck my brother. You killed my wife.
I have to wear this apparatus for every day of my life. Right?

Speaker 1 Gets it removed.

Speaker 1 Right? You see like little marks, like red marks on the hospital floor. They can't find me.
Whoa. Whoa, so it's now, I know where you live because I live there.
Right.

Speaker 1 And I'm looking for my favorite.

Speaker 1 My favorite sweater.

Speaker 1 I need my favorite sweater. You do.
Yeah, and it's at home. And you go to get it.
Well, yeah, but you know, but you know, this is how you're going to capture me.

Speaker 1 He's going to go for the sweater. So you're there getting a sweater.
So you make this box

Speaker 1 like a contraption sort of. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like rat trap. A rat trap.
Yeah. Right.
And you put the sweater in the rap trap. Oh, right.
You now know. You're scared shit.
You helped me set up the trap. Right.
She's got a lot of traffic.

Speaker 1 You know why? You're a Girl Scout. Okay.
No. No, good layers.
I like this.

Speaker 1 You're a fucking Girl Scout. Yeah.
And you know all the traps.

Speaker 1 They know traps, right? And ropes. Well, also, there's cookies.
She has girl access to the cookies. I like cookies though, too.
You definitely like cookies. Love cookies.
Which kind?

Speaker 1 What's the flavor? We'll say it on the counter three. Everyone's favorite.
One, two, three. Lemons.
Tag-alongs.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the peanut butter butter one.

Speaker 1 Tag-alongs.

Speaker 1 Is there a lemon zinger? I just made it up.

Speaker 1 Is there a lemon zinger? By the way, look up the kinds. I actually don't know if there is a lemon zinger.
Yeah, I think there's a lemon one. No, there is, right? There has to be.

Speaker 1 Thin mints is the old school. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Thin mints and then lemon.

Speaker 1 I'll just zoom in. Let's see.
Thin mints. Lemonades.
Lemonades. Lemonades.
I think that's what I'm thinking about. What the fuck is a thanks a lot?

Speaker 1 That's a great thing. I've never heard of a thanks a lot in my entire life.
And by the way, they call it. Well, I know what the flavor is probably pussy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because when guys eat thanks a lot, thanks a lot. That's delicious.

Speaker 1 We're going to cut that out, too?

Speaker 1 No. All right.
Wait a minute. What is it? Thanks a lot.
It's a biscuit dipped in chocolate with a thank you message written on it. It's really good.
You can't go wrong with

Speaker 1 shortbread. But look, it used to be called shout outs.
You know what? Tag-alongs are the peanut buttons. They're now called peanut butter patties.
Weird.

Speaker 1 They fucking, I think, well, tag-along is probably insensitive to nerds and losers that were never leaders. Yeah, everyone.
They were

Speaker 1 What does Philippe like, though?

Speaker 1 Who's Philippe?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's your guy. I just named it.
Fine, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. Was that too premature?

Speaker 2 No, that's sad because it's my uncle I never met.

Speaker 1 He killed my mom. Yeah.

Speaker 2 My mom's dead. And we have to kill my uncle.

Speaker 1 Philippe. Let me see the names again of the cookies.

Speaker 1 I think the ones that you like are.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go with, he's big into the shortbreads. Okay.
Because I'm short? Yeah. I have no legs.
But you love bread. And I love bread.
Yeah, that's correct. You're a fatal, legless

Speaker 1 mound of, and with arms. But you walk on your hands.
But see, I'm thinking in horror films, you'd be walking on your hands, but your face has to be up. Oh, I know, I know.

Speaker 2 Because you've been on his side your whole life. You grab onto people and they walk you.

Speaker 1 That's how you get around. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 You hold on to somebody and they transport you around.

Speaker 1 Are they aware? Yes, and I know. They don't have a choice.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait. So a lady's.
Let let me just say,

Speaker 1 I get out of the hospital. And you, and I see a nurse leave.
She's done with her shift. She is.
I latch onto her calf, right? Is she going, oh, no, it's Philippe? At first she goes,

Speaker 1 she goes, what are you doing? What are you doing? And then you say, what are you? You would ask, what are you? And you'd go, I'm a human being. Not in this world.

Speaker 1 Not in this world. Will she say something racial? Like, you know what I mean? Half gook, half gook.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 Maybe in the 80s. Yeah, you're right.
In the 80s. Get this goo off of me.
Yeah, goo. Half.
If you're Helena. She says goo.
Yeah, get right.

Speaker 1 And she knows it's about to be racist, so she stops it at that. She almost says okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, in fear of getting canceled, she carries you wherever you want to go.

Speaker 1 That's what the movie's called, goo. Goo.

Speaker 1 That's what, yeah, goo.

Speaker 1 Right? The beginning. But you make people feel bad.
You go, what are you, ableist? Get me to where I want to go. I want to go.
Take me to 417 Watchman Avenue.

Speaker 1 Otherwise, I'll tell everyone that you're an ableist. She drops me off.
I'm in a bush, and I'm scoping up the house. Can you imagine? What do you mean? You on your hands in a bush.

Speaker 1 How are you seeing anything?

Speaker 1 That's true. You're upside down.
I can climb trees. That you can do.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just see these two arms just

Speaker 1 clawing up a tree. Yeah, yeah.
Right? And you just sit on perch in a bush. How about this? Why don't we do this as a little, like, you know, while I'm attached to you still growing up, right?

Speaker 1 We're going backwards. Yeah, a little bit.
You never clip my nails. And that's a whole dialogue.
Oh. You're like, can you clip my nails? No.

Speaker 1 That's why you kill my wife with your nails. Instead of the chopsticks.

Speaker 1 And with the nails, I can climb trees faster. That's right.

Speaker 2 Oh, and that's all we know is in the air because we see the scratches in the bark.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see. So it's not right away.
You guys do investigating the next day. We discover it.
And you're like a detective Girl Scout lady. Yeah.
And you're like, look at the fucking tree.

Speaker 2 Well, my friends are all looking at my now skinny dad, and they're like, wow, your dad looks different.

Speaker 1 And all I can see are the girls. Well, maybe that's a side stroke.
He gets a lot of girls because, you know, you're single now, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I know I'm not getting any girls because I still have this big gash of a hole

Speaker 1 on the side of my body from where a man was. That's true.
That's true. We need to call Ryan Murphy with his ideas.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I watched his show last night.
I started The Watcher. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The Watcher?

Speaker 2 I thought it's good. Oh, I watched that whole thing.

Speaker 1 You watched the whole thing already? Is it good? It's good. Everyone say it's good.

Speaker 2 The one about the house, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's very Ryan Murphy. Do you know what I mean by that? No, I don't.
I don't know who Ryan Murphy is. It was good.

Speaker 2 I got scared.

Speaker 1 scared are you serious i swear to god american horror story never seen it glee you've never seen one american horror story it's been on for like 34 years i i see the billboards i'm like oh that looks weird like there's always like two like vampires attached to each other and like doing some weird that's like the thing we just wrote yeah

Speaker 1 you're literally doing you think i stole it yeah you did i stole it from the billboard no but it's very ryan murphy but bobby conivale and uh uh uh what can't i think of her name naomi watts naomi watts they only got 52 on rotten tomatoes jennifer coolidge is fucking and my boy Richard Kind, my buddy Richard Kind, is in it, who kills it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're all great. You know Richard Kind?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, God, you know so many specials.
He's the funniest person I've ever met in my life. In my entire, I'm not kidding.

Speaker 1 Because he's got that very, like, it's like old school New York jute, like everything. I'll be eating a meal, and he'll go, are you going to finish?

Speaker 1 Oh, wait, wait, what show was he on with you? I never did a show with him. How did you meet him? It's playing golf.

Speaker 1 I'm tired of your fucking golf shit, dude. Fine.
No, I'm tired of it. What did I do?

Speaker 1 Because you meet so many cool people doing it. And because my dad used to beat me with golf clubs, I have a fear of it.
And he fucked up my career.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you a weird story, though?

Speaker 1 I have a weird. Aside from Goo, we'll get back to Goo.

Speaker 1 How does it end? I think we let the audience decide how it ends.

Speaker 1 In the comments below, tell us how Goo ends. All right.
That's what I like. So I'm going to tell you something weird that happened.
Love.

Speaker 1 Can you take two seconds real fast?

Speaker 1 Can I compliment you? Go ahead. Your fucking strawberry kisses nails are looking so cute.
Thank you. Yeah.
Those are, that color is, it's getting me a little horny. I'm not lying.
Are you being real?

Speaker 1 It's a sexy color. Thank you.
And I usually reserve that for like if when I see it on, you know. Well, single Bob wants to, because, you know, everyone says that my fingers are like Wolverine hands.

Speaker 1 Yes, they are. Right? Yes, they are.
And I wanted to change that because I'm like dating now.

Speaker 2 Can we get a manicure together and get an excellent

Speaker 1 every other week. You want to get one? No.
It's so fun. You want to get one with one? Yes, I would love to.
No.

Speaker 1 What color you want i don't care yeah i got these ones recently i was getting my oil changed i went in and got a manicure yeah i wanted to be like javi do they always have to be vietnamese yeah okay yeah they're just so aggressive well who else can do it that good look at how fucking good that looks i know but she's like she doesn't care you get a malaysian and they're they're gonna fuck it up oh the really i don't know okay i've never done it yeah yeah you gotta go look i'm still holding on i'm no way i'm still holding on to this uh no way he said i'm still holding on to this bullshit uber masculine nonsense i'm gonna i'm gonna do this till i die this guys don't get their nails painted.

Speaker 1 That's me. That's you.
It was cool. You look good, but I'm not.
I would never.

Speaker 2 You could get a manicure without getting your nails painted.

Speaker 1 No, thanks. What is it for?

Speaker 2 It's for your health, like you get to handle your hands.

Speaker 1 Guys are supposed to have shitty hands. A part of being a guy is having a shitty-looking, fucked-up hand.

Speaker 1 Well, the reason why I got it done is because when I was shooting that softball movie, there was an extra background girl. Good save.
That was Dave. Thank you.
Good save.

Speaker 1 Put that in the books as a good say. Yeah, yeah.
There was a background woman, right? Right.

Speaker 1 And she was laying on her back, and I I thought there was some sort of energy between us that, like, maybe some flirtations going on. She didn't have any lyrics, right? She didn't have anything.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no lyrics. No lyrics.

Speaker 1 And so she, um,

Speaker 1 I kind of went like this, you know what I mean, to wake her up with my fingers. I did some sort of, you know, Korean, you know, warlock stuff.
You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Whatever, right?

Speaker 1 And she opened her eyes and she looked at my fingers. She goes, gross.

Speaker 1 She looked at my fingers and went gross. And at that point, I was just like, I gotta do something about it.
I'm not listening to that bitch. I did.
She was a background idiot.

Speaker 1 So, the side thing, though, let me just say that this is interesting. So, you know, how times you scroll through your because I was doing some

Speaker 1 management when it comes to my contact list. You were deleting old numbers? Yeah, numbers I didn't understand, you know what I mean? And people that I like, it says Amy, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah, who's that? Who the fuck is Amy? You know what I mean? Just call her up. You know what we should do? We should call up all the numbers in your phone to people that you can do.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, we should do that. That's actually very funny.

Speaker 1 But then I went to the B's, right?

Speaker 1 And this is a couple years ago.

Speaker 1 It said Billy Ray Cyrus.

Speaker 1 What? Yeah. Seriously? Yeah, I swear to God.

Speaker 1 I still have it. You do? Yeah, so then a couple years ago, when I saw it, I went to Colonel and I go, Billy Ray Cyrus.
Who is that again? I said, that's Miley Cyrus' dad.

Speaker 1 I've never met him. Why would I have his number? Why would you? And then she goes, it's fake.
It's probably

Speaker 1 a guy that you know who's a comic or something, or you met somebody that looks like Billy Ray Cyrus, and then you just put him at Billy Ray Cyrus. That sounds more right.
That sounds right, right?

Speaker 1 But that being said. But check this out, what I discovered.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 So there's this girl that I'm hanging out with, right?

Speaker 1 And she used to work for him.

Speaker 1 I just coughed. Yeah, that's fine.
Okay, go ahead. She used to work for him.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I go, oh, well, it's so funny. I told her the story.
She goes, what's the number? And as I said the number, she finished off the number. She goes, that is his number.
Wait, what? How do you think?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And so I don't know how the fuck I have Billy Ray Cyrus' number in my fucking phone.

Speaker 1 You imagine you guys were on like a flirty, texty DM for like a couple of weeks and you just blacked it out of your mind. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Isn't that weird? Can we call him? I don't know if I want to. Who cares? Well, like, what's the difference? You never called him anyway.
You know, you never had this person.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but if I pick it up and he goes, hello, Billy Ray Cyrus. It's Bobby Lee from Bobby Lee.
From Goo. From Goo.
The star of Goo. Yeah.
Let me think about it.

Speaker 1 Please, dude, it'd be so fucking cool. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Really? It would be so fun. Billy Ray Sarah.
I'm going to take my horse to the hotel roar. You don't even know that song.
No, I don't like that.

Speaker 1 There's a bore in it, right? Yeah. Okay, good.
So, anyway, that was like the biggest song of the year, what, two years ago? What was it? How many years? Three?

Speaker 1 But let me just say one last thing that happened last night before he says that. I was sitting there.
Did you see two guys walked up to me handcuffed?

Speaker 2 Last night?

Speaker 1 What? At the store? At the store. And they go, we're doing it.

Speaker 1 Wait,

Speaker 1 What are you doing? The thing that you and Andrew were going to do.

Speaker 1 This is day three.

Speaker 1 No fucking way. And they were handcuffed.
Did you just hear what he just said? I don't quite get it, though. Two people were handcuffed at the comedy store together.

Speaker 1 And remember, we joked on the show one time about us being handcuffed together and lasting 30 days. What was it? I don't even know.
A week, a week. A week.
And they go, day three.

Speaker 1 And they didn't look healthy.

Speaker 1 No, they didn't. Like, one guy's eyes were bloodshot, and he kind of looked deranged.

Speaker 1 And the other guy that was talking was like, we're doing it.

Speaker 1 it so they're handcuffing themselves yeah and i'm like why they go because you guys did it we didn't do it we did not do it yeah yeah we're doing it anyway i go what

Speaker 1 i did not see those guys yeah yeah they were there that is creepy why would they do that also you guys got to keep going and send it into us

Speaker 1 oh yeah yeah you got to keep going you got to keep going and send it into one of the producers seven inch send it into fancy you guys should do like um some more volunteer work or something if you're this influential yeah what should we do some charity shit?

Speaker 1 We've talked about doing charity shit.

Speaker 1 Well, what do we want to do?

Speaker 2 Soup kitchen.

Speaker 1 What's that one? It just sounds sad, soup kitchen.

Speaker 2 I've done it before.

Speaker 2 It's not sad.

Speaker 1 Isn't there like a pizza kitchen we can work instead?

Speaker 2 Well, they do like more than just soup. They just, I think they just call it that.

Speaker 1 You know, we did that in the Philippines where we brought boxes to like this village. They had no running water or food or anything.
And as soon as we came up, we had like 200 boxes of food.

Speaker 1 And these kids ran completely naked. They hadn't taken shots.
It was so sad. Yeah.
Right? And it just breaks my heart that's why i can't do it again that's right

Speaker 1 oh that this is it this is just tearing me apart i can't get that sad when i do charity so i'm not going to do it anymore i'll do it once and then done should we bring in our little our special guest who's here for uh just for just to say hi to hop in huh what is he well you're gonna talk to him when he gets in here all right i hope he doesn't have attitude

Speaker 1 there he is

Speaker 1 hey what's up man how are you are you okay i feel great

Speaker 1 we're doing good sit down let's talk let's talk about it

Speaker 1 You guys know each other, don't you? I've been over here since the beginnings. No, I'm talking about Juice and Moz.
So, our special guest that's come to the studio is an old friend,

Speaker 1 someone that Bobby has a lot of beef with, apparently. I have no beef.
I love him. Well, you guys can hash it out.
There's no hash, there's no. Brian Moses has stopped by.
Moz, thanks for coming.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Saint Tana. What's going on with this guy? Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I'll tell you.

Speaker 1 Okay. I might as well.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I heard you say you're Filipino. I'm just like, he's Korean.
You are. It's that attitude right there.
You're right.

Speaker 1 See what you just did? It's that attitude right there. Let me ask you something, okay? Okay.

Speaker 1 And let's just see, let's get real, and

Speaker 1 let's get real. All right.
In the last five years, maybe since you did Rose Battle, maybe before, you know, I feel like there's a little bit of an attitude toward me. Like,

Speaker 1 really say hi to me. You don't want to talk to me.
You sort of distance yourself. I feel like you feel like you're too cool.
Is that what the deal is? No, no, no.

Speaker 1 I actually feel the same way. I feel since Rose Battle took off, you've been kind of weird to me.
Oh, I like that. Why would that be? Because the thing is,

Speaker 1 the Rose Battle is what took you off into a different plane. And you never know.

Speaker 1 No, I stayed the same. So once, just a science.
He's always been an asshole. Yeah.
Science is

Speaker 1 I've always been an asshole, right? And then something happened, right? Science. Yeah.
And an element shifted. Okay.
But one element stayed the same.

Speaker 1 What's the element? I'm the element that says the same. Oh, you're saying so? Yeah, yeah.
So you're saying so? Yeah, two things that were on the same plane. Explosion happened, right?

Speaker 1 One of them crashed into a World Trade Center. Right, and one stayed here.
At the Pentagon. At the Pentagon.

Speaker 2 Don't forget Building 7.

Speaker 1 Wait.

Speaker 1 You know what you're saying? Yeah. You're saying I'm more like I hit the PlayStation 2.
Is that the one Renazzizzi was in? Anyway,

Speaker 1 here's what I let me let me try to break down what Bobby's saying. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And here's why he's mad, I guess. I'm not mad.
Here's why. I just want to get it out.
You want to get it out because you really like Moses and you think he doesn't like you anymore.

Speaker 1 That's really what it is. No, it's not that lying.
It's like... Yes, it is.
You think he doesn't like you anymore. Bobby,

Speaker 1 you told my parents I was talented and great. You lied to them and told all these great things about me.
I mean, I thought we were really good friends. So I walked.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you, I don't remember, but I went up to your parents, your biological parents. Yes, yes, I know.
And what exactly, what did I say? I don't, knee how. I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's the shit that. Well, he's right.
You might have said that. I never said knee how.
I don't know. Very funny.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But what did I say to you? That was very funny. What did I say to your fucking parents? No, you said, your son is very talented.
You don't see a lot of young, black, talented people here besides.

Speaker 1 And you listed a bunch of black, talented people in front of him. How many? Yeah, you were like Derek Rose, Kobe Bryant, Richard Pryor, Eddie.

Speaker 1 Did I make you look good? You make me look great. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a wild attitude. And here's another thief I have with you.
I have two now. This is so dumb.

Speaker 1 Why can't I do it? Do whatever you want. I'm just laughing at it.

Speaker 1 This is my domain. Yes, okay, sure.
You come into the lion's den, you might get bit.

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Speaker 1 What is this I hear?

Speaker 1 Because I've talked to a lot of females since I've been single. You're single? Yeah.
This is another beef I have now. You haven't even told me that.
I'm into Asian. Well, first of all, all right.

Speaker 1 Do you want

Speaker 1 you want Kalila's number? Are you saying him? Him. Yeah.
Oh, oh.

Speaker 1 If you're a part of the comedy community and you don't know that I broke up with Kalila, that means somebody's drifted away. Is that a

Speaker 1 timeout? It means somebody drifted away. Do you agree with me? He knows you broke up.
He's teasing. Do you really?

Speaker 1 This is how I. That's your comedy at my back.
No. No, no.
That's my pickup.

Speaker 1 I'm like, oh, shit, you're brotherly single? That's how I do it. Let me get to my second PS.
How do you not understand that that's what he's doing? Oh, I didn't know.

Speaker 1 Well, we got to get you around more black people.

Speaker 1 You think that's it? Well, here's what it is. Why do you do that? Let me tell you.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you. No snitching.
No snitching. These guys, these guys, man, they're like a vault.
A big black vault. I don't know anything, Bobby.
I know nothing about you. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's what it is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't even know.

Speaker 1 All right. So your brother's name is Stephen Lee.
He has a better podcast.

Speaker 1 I'm going to let that's good.

Speaker 1 It's funny.

Speaker 1 He's doing his roast thing, which I like. First of all,

Speaker 1 part of the reason that he wanted to come say what's up is because he's got some. Okay, before you do that, let me get the second thing out.
That's fine. Okay.

Speaker 1 Wait, the second thing already was you thought that. No, no, that wasn't it.
Okay. All right.
The second thing is that I've heard from many, many women in comedy that you eat the best

Speaker 1 pussy. He does.

Speaker 1 But how I can attest. It bothers me.
Why? What's your technique?

Speaker 1 Like, he's going to share it. I need to know the technique.
I can't teach you how to dunk, Bobby. And that's a layer joke.

Speaker 1 Yeah. There's so much going on.

Speaker 1 Do you, let me ask you, out of your skill set, you as a person, do you know that that's your skill set?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, Moz, for real.
Now that he is single, you don't have to do it for him. Do it for me.

Speaker 1 Do it for me because you love me. I got you.
Please. I love Bobby, though.
San Diego Legend. Bobby Lynn.
Thank you. Sure.

Speaker 1 Give him one tip.

Speaker 1 In the eating kitty faction, give him one tip because

Speaker 1 he needs any of them. So give him one little tip if you can.

Speaker 1 One tip? Just one tip.

Speaker 1 I mean, act like you like it. Act like you like it.
Oh, smile. Not even smile.
Just like really get into it.

Speaker 1 Don't do the.

Speaker 1 Here's the thing I think a lot of guys fuck up. Yum, yum, by the way.
Yum, yum. This is supposed to be a secret.
Nobody's supposed to know this. Mom, don't watch this.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but just it's not even act like, just really like it. Don't look a girl in the eyes.
Like, girls do the thing in porn where they're blowing a guy and like looking in his eyes.

Speaker 1 Like, guys, don't ever look in a girl's eyes when you're going down on them. That's weird.
They don't like it.

Speaker 2 I'm always like, don't look at me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, don't look at me. Imagine someone, like, you like this? You're like, you're trying to prove to them.
You like, like, just do it. It's almost like you're not scared about your comedy.

Speaker 1 Don't be scared by eating pussy. That is scientific.
I don't lock eyes. I close my eyes.
That's, but also, that's that's you know that's science.

Speaker 1 Because if you're closing your eyes, it looks like you're just trying to get through it. He's saying, look like you're enjoying it.
But not lock eyes. It's a lot of rules.

Speaker 1 It's like you swing with sharks. Just don't look up.
I mean, don't pedal your arms or lock eyes with the shark. I mean, there's a lot of music.

Speaker 2 Next time you're playing Stardew Valley, look in the mirror. And whatever that looks like.

Speaker 1 That's great.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. She knows what she's talking about.

Speaker 1 Women are the best at eating pussy, brothers. Never lock eyes.
Never lock eyes. Okay.

Speaker 1 One more, please. And if and if she gets too onery, you got to punch her in the nose.
That's the only way to get them away. You know that, right? Right, right.
Like a shark. Like a shark.

Speaker 1 What's the second thing you think?

Speaker 1 You know, promise them that you'll vote.

Speaker 1 Women seem to like that. Midterms.
Oh, midterm voting. Roe v.
Wade was Taylor, right? Right, right. That's so hot.
But if I'm eating out.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But if I'm eating up Marjorie Taylor Greene, I would have to say a different thing. What would you say? I would say, yeah, fuck Roe versus Wade.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. No, no.
Just say something about Alex Jones was right. Scoop Show.
Yeah, Sandy Hook. Yeah, Sandy Hook is a, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I believe in reptilian shapeshifters.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I see.
Kanye's the new Hitler with a beat. I don't know.
Something cool. I know you guys are joking, but I'm kind of on board with most of those things that you just said.

Speaker 1 So I know you guys are teasing around. So those are two things.
Don't lock eyes and talk about voting. No, act like you like it.
Act like I like it. Don't

Speaker 1 act like you like it. Don't lock eyes.
Let them know you're going to vote. Let them know you're going to vote.
That's the thing. I just read the voting thing, but okay.

Speaker 1 I'm going to try it, but I feel like it's not. You're not going to vote.
See, this is why. This is why you don't eat more pussy.
See? Because you're not voting. Right before you go down.

Speaker 1 The legs are here, and you go down right before you go in and then pop back up and go, I'm going to vote. And then go right back in.
Oh, I see.

Speaker 1 What if I pop up and I have that voting sticker on my head? Even better. I voted, right? That circular sticker.
Actually, you know what?

Speaker 1 Go down on them.

Speaker 1 Go down on them. Make them come.

Speaker 1 And then pull your head away and go, look. And when they look down, they see you've left a sticker right there.
Right.

Speaker 1 Let me get like a fortune cookie, though.

Speaker 1 Okay. That's good.
That's really good. That's really good.
That's good. If you pull a fortune cookie out and go, what is this? After you went down, crack it open.
It's an I voted sticker. Right.

Speaker 1 Or with with my jit. Oh, and I'm not jerking off.
Don't make it disgusting.

Speaker 1 You don't want to like it that much. Oh, I don't like it that much.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Just enough. So those are, you know what? These are things.
All right, so we squashed your beef that you, first of all.

Speaker 1 I apologize. If I was acting like you in any way, I apologize.

Speaker 1 I was keeping that same energy.

Speaker 1 You know what? I disagree with you. I feel like that I am very nice at the store.
You are, actually.

Speaker 1 Am I not? Yeah, yeah. You're there all the time.

Speaker 2 He had a bag, and I go, oh, what's in the bag? And he goes, oh, it's just a bunch of food here. You guys can have it.
I was going to throw it away.

Speaker 1 Did you ever end up eating it? Yeah, we all ate it. Okay, good, good.

Speaker 2 Yeah. We put it out on the back.

Speaker 1 No, I'll say this. Like, my first day on the job was like April 1st, April 2nd, 2010.
And Bobby came up to me and was like, oh, you're the new black guy.

Speaker 1 Here, I need some jokes for this thing I'm doing with Wilbur

Speaker 1 Valderama, he had said. And then it was me and Rel Battle were there.
Love. And I remember that

Speaker 1 Bobby's like, give you guys $100 each. And then Rel was like, cool, I'm going to go get Gerard.
And I was like, I'm right here. And Bobby's like, cool.
I was giving it to him.

Speaker 1 But if you got better people, I'll go get them. I was like, and that was my introduction.
Anyway, we're just kidding. Why are you here?

Speaker 1 Roast Battle League 1, Monday Night Comedy Store. Halloween Night at the Comedy Store.
Yes, there's a comedy show on Halloween night, and it's Roast Battle League number one.

Speaker 1 It's the very first Roast Battle League event. What's a Roast Battle League? So now, you know, we've had Roast Battle and there's Roast Battles everywhere, every continent but Antarctica.

Speaker 1 So now we're bringing the best Roast Battlers in the world, bringing them into Halloween night, and basically doing like the UFC thing. So basically,

Speaker 1 the best guys who roast battle are battling each other. Can I ask you some questions? I'm very curious about it.
Yeah. Are you flying people out or are they getting...
No, we're flying people out.

Speaker 1 That's amazing. So where's the farthest place you're flying somebody out from? London in Tokyo.
Holy shit. Tokyo.
There's a Japanese dude. There's no, it's a Japanese girl, Itzi.

Speaker 1 She's on the next one, the Rose Battle 2. Rose Battle League 2, but the Rose Battle League 1 is a London cat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Tokyo's coming. It's every Monday now? No, no, every month, but Monday night is the first one.
Monday, Halloween night. Halloween night, Halloween.
And you put them up? Where do you put them up?

Speaker 1 We'll bring his heart on us. We're going to have to break it up.
Before you go, we're going to have to break your heart.

Speaker 1 this will come out after that it's all good but but roast battle 2 rose battle 2 yeah every month at the comedy store we're doing a rose battle league event and we're building up to battle mania which we're gonna do in july fuck yeah it's incredible you know what because i you know i've judged it before i've i've watched many many of them you've seen me in the audience i love it and um i just have you ever done one

Speaker 1 No, but what I will say is, I feel like I can't do it. When I watch what you built at the comedy store, because I've known you for a long time,

Speaker 1 I've said this to you multiple times, how like happy I was that, that what you put together became so, this is like viral in real life. Like that show became viral in real life in the comedy world.

Speaker 1 So much so, for people that don't know, is all these other fucking cities, everywhere we would go, would copy it. They would do their roast battle in Nashville and in Miami.

Speaker 1 I was in Philly and they all did it. But it started at our house, upstairs in the belly room at our club.

Speaker 1 And watching watching Moe's put it together and I've judged I don't know a thousand fucking times but I used to sometimes I used to get so stoned after my set and I would go sit in the back of Rose Battle but not say I would say hi to him but I would just sit and watch because it was like watching a show I mean it was it was it was such a fucking event that I would hide in the corner because I wanted to feel the energy without being a part of it it it I it's the hardest I've ever laughed oh by far by far and number two what I love about it is, and it's not funny what I'm about to say, but it's like it's the biggest expression of free speech.

Speaker 1 It is. Because I feel like the wokeness and all that stuff doesn't apply to it.
And there's a freedom to it. And it's like, it feels,

Speaker 1 I've never felt more American being in that room. Yeah.
Right? Because you can say, because I've said, I've, I've said, I've heard the shit that I even would be like, I would never fuck with.

Speaker 1 That's crazy. I love it.
That's right. Because

Speaker 1 it doesn't matter what, you know, like different races and genders and ages and backgrounds. And everyone makes fun of everybody for everything.

Speaker 1 So there's no rules, which makes it all free, which makes a handicapped person making fun of a black girl, making fun of an Asian guy. Like, it just, everything is free.

Speaker 1 Or making fun of a guy's dad that died two weeks before. You know what I mean? Like, just no holds bar.
Yeah. And I fucking love it.
It's incredible.

Speaker 1 So, what we achieved today, though, is we squashed this fake beef between you and Moses. There's no beef.
I love him. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 I'm going to do a damn guy later. He taught you how to do it.
I want you to really teach me because it's like,

Speaker 1 no, I'm being real. I want to take a class.
You promised me that. Bobby, let's just do it right now.

Speaker 1 What's your goal when it comes to sex? Okay, no, I can fuck. No, no, I don't want to fuck.
By the way, that's your first.

Speaker 1 That's the first problem.

Speaker 1 That's your first time. No, no, no, no, no.
I can fuck.

Speaker 1 It's not about you. Yeah, yeah.
No, that's it.

Speaker 1 See, the first thing he says is I. Yeah, it's not about you.
Oh, you're just blowing my mind right now. You're right.
It's her. Her.
There's no. I'm setting up.
I'm sitting up. I'm sitting up.

Speaker 1 I just had a fucking spiritual awakening. You're right.
So now it's a little bit of a woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Sex is never about you.

Speaker 1 It's never about me. It's not about you.
It's about her. Absolutely.
Is. Oh, my God.
He's like my fucking, you know,

Speaker 1 I'm your sensei. Yeah, yeah.
He's my philosopher.

Speaker 2 Does the woman go in with that attitude as well? Because then what are they doing?

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Well, Juice, when you're in a thing. You're in a misogynist.
When you're with your boyfriend,

Speaker 1 do you feel like it's about you or about him? About him. Because you want to be a great lover.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but then if we're both doing that, what are we doing?

Speaker 1 Somebody's got to be a lover. Oh, he cancels me.
He cancels each other off.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if you're so equal and then you know.

Speaker 1 So if two people are way too giving, then it becomes cuck. Then cuck has to step in at some point.
Yeah, and then I'm cuck. And this is Mr.
Cuck.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 I see. Yeah.
So is this something that you asked before?

Speaker 1 So before I go, this is going to be about you. No.
Right. And just make it about you.
You're literally, you're making it about you again.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 by even asking the girl, I'm making it about you. I'm doing this for you.
Is literally saying you're doing this so she knows about you. So, how much are you doing it for? Can I ask that?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm doing it to make you. No, no, no, the girl.
I look at the girl and go, Excuse me, Cynthia, I'm just a random name, right?

Speaker 1 Excuse me, she's a squirrel.

Speaker 1 Hi, um, before we do this transaction, right?

Speaker 1 Not the right word, no,

Speaker 1 transaction.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 is she an ATM? No, okay. Let me say, Cynthia.
Hi. Can I say hi? Let me say hi.

Speaker 1 Oh, you want to say hi? I'm Cynthia. You're Cynthia? Yeah.
Let's see how it plays out. And then he can tell you what you did wrong.
All right. Cynthia.
Hey.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 I have to say the last hi. It's like an OCD thing for me.
Don't break character. Stay in the fucking character.
Let's start over.

Speaker 1 Someone say action. Action.

Speaker 1 Cynthia. Yeah, Bob.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hi.
Hi. Hey.
Hi.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 Hi. I have to say hi.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 Is this an Asian thing? Yeah, yeah. Anyway.

Speaker 1 So listen,

Speaker 1 Cynthia, what are you doing this for? I mean, what are you thinking? Is it about you? Or is it about me? I don't know what you're saying. What I'm saying is that.

Speaker 1 We're watching Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I know, and I love this movie.
Michelle Kwan is amazing. She's good.
She's amazing.

Speaker 1 And she's also the Asian Meryl Streep. I'm just aware.
You know? Yeah. Right.
I did a movie with her. I'm half Asian.
You know that. Yeah, I know that, Cynthia.
Yeah. Right.
Hi. Cynthia Wong.
Hi. Hi.

Speaker 1 Anyway, what I mean by that is that

Speaker 1 everything's about you when I'm doing this

Speaker 1 transaction?

Speaker 1 Everything's about you when I'm playing when we're playing this game. This is not a game to me.

Speaker 1 It's going to be all about you

Speaker 1 while we

Speaker 1 interplay in this, you know, formal physical activity that we're partaking in.

Speaker 1 There's formality to this.

Speaker 1 I just want this to be loose and fun. Is it over? Yeah.
I'm home.

Speaker 1 Have I lost? While you're

Speaker 1 by the way, while you're in the house. Have I lost? I feel like

Speaker 1 as the guy in the part,

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm losing it.

Speaker 2 That was the most boring porn I've ever watched.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Bob, yeah, for an age.

Speaker 1 Here, this is not. Let me do it.
This is for real, right? I already called the Uber by the way. Cynthia.
Cynthia. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Actually, honestly. That worked.
That's hot as fuck. Yeah, that worked.
That's good. That's fine.
Right. The chogi too much? No, no.

Speaker 1 The talking too much.

Speaker 1 Make it a silent movie. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's okay. All right.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Okay. Perfect.
You're right. That's your perfect day.
Dude, you should do a masterclass. How much would you charge for a masterclass on how to go down? I wouldn't because I'm not a misogynist.

Speaker 1 Look at that. That's amazing.
Wait, wait. You're a cult leader.
Why is that much? Well, yeah, because I'm making money off

Speaker 1 of the exploitation of women's pleasure.

Speaker 2 Oh, so you would, so you would charge nothing, but you would still do it?

Speaker 1 I'd do it for free, yeah. I'd be a community service.
That's amazing. Or you take it, or you take a fee and then you donate it to a woman's

Speaker 1 sex toys. Sex toys.
What? No, to a woman's charity. Yes, and if that woman is against the,

Speaker 1 I I want to say, ah, it doesn't matter, Candace Owens.

Speaker 1 Candace Owens. Yeah.
But that is a true thing that you will,

Speaker 1 I don't want to name the girls, but there have been a couple of girls in the comedy community that you've eaten their, you know what I mean, beautiful vaginas. They're supposed to be anonymous.

Speaker 1 Anonymous.

Speaker 1 And they've all, hands down, locked eyes with me and said, Brian Moses is the best at that. And

Speaker 1 clap. No, no, no.
This is just for you.

Speaker 1 It just feels weird to clap on my own. I know, but I like watching it.
Yeah, yeah. There it is.

Speaker 1 So the Asian man, you guys are constantly clapping towards the black man. We appreciate that.
This is a jealousy thing. He's like, they're fucking good at that, too.
Oh, right, right, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 These blacks are getting too many hand claps. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Whether it's sports or music, or I'm tired of it, dude. Asians,

Speaker 1 you guys love the culture, right? Basketball,

Speaker 1 bebop, you know, bebop style. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Break dancing, hip-hop, all that shit.

Speaker 1 Video games, yeah. But you know what? Can I argument, though.

Speaker 1 I know that a lot of black people in the 70s love to go see kung fu festivals, and so we've influenced you guys on as well. Listen, I want to break the myth for that.
The T-Clan. Here's the.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, no, we love it. And here's why.
Because black people in the 70s were all poor, and B movies were free. Yeah.
So you get them for free. But you had your own Dolomite, et cetera, et cetera.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Black Exploitation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Black Spoiler.

Speaker 1 But I've met a lot of black women. Hell yeah.
My dad used to take me to the kung fu festivals in the the 70s.

Speaker 1 I'm being real. That's a what? You think I'm wrong?

Speaker 1 How is women? What? Yeah, how old are they? They're my age. They're in their 50s now.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. But I'm just saying that, you know, it's not, it's not, it's a two-way street.

Speaker 1 What's your dad's name? Robert. Oh, Bob.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Why would you ask me that? Because I'd be like, your last name's Lee, the 70s, Kung Fu, Bruce Lee. Like, there must have been a lot of confusion.
That was never.

Speaker 1 I'm not even joking. I mean, like, it's your uncle or something.
I don't like it. You don't have an uncle, Bruce? No, I don't.
No.

Speaker 1 No, there's no nothing. No, I'm just.

Speaker 1 There's no relation. Okay, that's good.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Would you name your son Bruce?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Because of teasing. Because he's not going to know karate.
Isn't that interesting that Bruce Bruce

Speaker 1 as an Asian guy?

Speaker 1 Very weird that it's an Asian guy's name, but there's nothing to make fun of. But Bruce White Guy, for some reason, just an easily teasable name.
Oh, my God. Hate a Bruce.
It's hate a Bruce.

Speaker 1 Got to hate a Bruce. Oh, I I know a Bruce.
Oh, you mean a Bruce? Has there ever been a black Bruce? Same Bruce? Yes. Is there a Black Bruce?

Speaker 1 There's no way there's a Black famous.

Speaker 1 I was thinking Bill Duke. No, no.
No, no.

Speaker 1 Maybe I have a theory.

Speaker 1 Maybe white dudes name certain names. If you put it to an Asian guy, it switches it.
So what's another name that a white guy,

Speaker 1 Ken? Ugh.

Speaker 1 We know an Asian guy. Ken Shamrock.
Yeah, but is Ken a weird one for whites? No.

Speaker 1 When you say weird, do you mean annoying white guy? Like Bruce.

Speaker 1 Chad. Chad.

Speaker 1 If you did a grand dude named Chad, would that be weird or cooler? Kind of tight. That's tight.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's Chad Koo.

Speaker 1 There goes Chad Koo. Yeah.
There's Chad Koo right there. Chad Hugo, he's the Neptune producer.
Oh, really? Perrel. That's true.

Speaker 1 I guess if you take a white, shitty name and you give it to an Asian, it makes it okay again.

Speaker 2 Maybe like Curtis.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. Andrew.
Andrew. In fact,

Speaker 1 if you take a Russian name,

Speaker 1 slow down Brian. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, your name. We tried.
We tried that. You almost got away.
That logic. Black people tried.
It doesn't work for us.

Speaker 1 You took white names. It just didn't work.
I mean, it's bad. I had like three white names.
Yeah, I'm going to give my kid, if I have a kid, have a kid, just add an unusual name. Black.
American Black.

Speaker 1 Like what?

Speaker 1 I don't know. LeBron.
Yeah. LeBron Lee.
Bernard. Oh, my God.
That's a strong name.

Speaker 1 Bernard Lee.

Speaker 1 French. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Bernard. Yeah.
How about like, How about like

Speaker 1 Latavian? Latavian Lee?

Speaker 1 That's dope. The alliteration is amazing.
Latavian Lee. Latavian Lee.
Latavian Lee.

Speaker 1 That's the next one. Latavian.

Speaker 1 Any J, really. Jamal, Jamar.
Yeah. Jaquan.
Jaquan. Jaquan Lee is sick.
Jaquan Lee is.

Speaker 1 That dude is dope. Jaquan Lee.
Jaquan Lee. He's so dope, dude.
He actually sounds very cool. He's a producer.
What kind? As it comes out. Hip-hop.
What?

Speaker 1 Hip-hop. I don't think so.
Oh, he directs it. I think a name influences what you become, maybe.
I agree. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Please go to the comedy store every Monday, once a month, watch.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. Let's not say that.
Once a month. Yeah, just once a month.
It's the Rose Battle League. So this is the new iteration of Rose Battle.

Speaker 1 Rose Battle's traditional every Tuesday, but there's Rose Battles all over the world, and they broadcast. So we're trying to make a league kind of like the NBA.

Speaker 1 Everybody plays basketball, but there's only such a thing called professionals.

Speaker 1 So we're bringing all the professionals in once a month to the comedy store, hopefully on a Sunday or a Monday, flying them in from Tokyo, Sydney, Australia, Barcelona, Spain,

Speaker 1 London, New York, Chicago, Austin, Bay Area, LA, all over the world. And we're bringing them here.
So, check the comedy store website, thecomedystore.com, to go see

Speaker 1 when those tickets are going to be up and moving around. I have one last question, though.
Yeah. So,

Speaker 1 I wanted to talk to you about this earlier.

Speaker 1 It's a specific style of writing, right?

Speaker 1 Roasting.

Speaker 1 I've never learned to do that style, right? Are you good at that style? Could you write a roast joke? Nah. I don't think I could, but you're good at it.
It's just, it's a good thing.

Speaker 1 I'm going to try to roast Juicy. You help me with it, okay?

Speaker 1 She's done it. I know.
So, what would I start with? Let's say I was battling Juicy. I would look at her, like, so I would write down what I see physically, right?

Speaker 1 So, she looks like a low-rent bono with those glasses. That's one, that's one head.

Speaker 1 I would look at her body and go and write down things that I saw on her body. Yeah.
Like clothes she's wearing. Clothes.
The shape of her body. Yeah, you can go easy with the just you look like this.

Speaker 1 And then you start from there. It's basically just like a writing experiment.

Speaker 1 It's like you, you look like a soup dumpling.

Speaker 1 Oh, that hurt. But you do.
It does work. But it's like a, there's a

Speaker 1 lot of fun. Yeah, you do.
Yeah, soup dumpling. Yeah.
Oh, that's good because I'm wet. Okay, good.
Yeah, you're wet, you're round, chunky. And soup is like a thing for your people a lot.

Speaker 2 It's a race element. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, like, if, let's say, um, Juicy's mom died a week ago. Is that too soon? Or? No, No, it's not.
It's too late. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, it's too late.
It's got to be same day. It's got to be same day.
Same day, death stuff. No, no, I'm kidding.
You can't usually. A week.
Yeah, it doesn't.

Speaker 1 And honestly, because we're roast battles, it's got to be consensual. So usually when you're battling an opponent, you want to ask them what's off-limits.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. Did they do that? Mm-hmm.
Oh, shit. So

Speaker 1 we're about consensuality.

Speaker 1 All right, so

Speaker 1 let's say you and I are roasting Juice. I'm being real.
What do I stay away from?

Speaker 2 My mom dying.

Speaker 1 It's too fresh. Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, stay away from that.

Speaker 1 Did your mom really die? No, but also my mom watches. Damn it, Bobby.

Speaker 1 I start feeling that.

Speaker 2 My mom watches every episode, so she's.

Speaker 1 I love you, mom. We do love her.
We love her so much. Hi, Miss Jones.
But what would really be something off that's off limits?

Speaker 2 I guess I don't.

Speaker 2 Would it be okay to be like, I guess I couldn't say I wouldn't know until I hear it because it'd be too late.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can't say that.

Speaker 1 I know his limits. I don't really know if I'm limited.
You know mine. Yeah.
Yeah. Yours, Yours, but maybe what about No Daniel's stuff?

Speaker 2 I wouldn't care if I'm like, oh, that's even good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's even good. Well, he's a comic, so that's different.
That's different.

Speaker 2 He's a comic.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So I feel like you don't have any.
Not really. All right, Moz, give us some love and then we'll cap off and finish another minute or two after.
I love y'all, man. Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 1 Brian, we love you. Thanks for coming.
We'll make sure.

Speaker 1 Roll Spout of League, baby. Roll Spout a League, babe.

Speaker 1 Bayatour. Bayatour, guys, is the world's leading travel experience marketplace.
I'm so excited because I used it for Andrew. He got me one for his birthday.

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Speaker 1 They put the critical combination of extensive options, ease of selection, and flexibility at your fingertips to help ensure that your time is wonderfully spent. And this guy got me an experience.

Speaker 1 The Napa and Sonoma wine country full-day tour from San Francisco. How was it? It was actually very fun.

Speaker 1 I went up there to San Francisco, and I honestly thought I was going to hate it because I was like, this is a Bobby thing. It's going to be fake and stupid.
And it wasn't.

Speaker 1 It was incredible and fun and immersive. And boy, oh boy, do I like my Chardonnay? That's why I love Viator.
Viator is the world's leading travel experience marketplace, guys.

Speaker 1 They offer everything from simple tours to extreme adventures, all niche, interesting stuff in between. Yeah, and let me tell you something about this.

Speaker 1 You think they don't have anything there for me? Yeah, they do. They do.
They have it. They have it.
They have it. Get on the website and find out what's going on.

Speaker 1 That's why we love Viator, all right? They are the world's leading travel experience marketplace, and I got to tell you, they have simple stuff, right?

Speaker 1 You can do something very easy, like sightseeing, yeah. Or you can do a town, do sightseeing, you can do something very complex, right?

Speaker 1 You want to get in a car and you want to drive with a professional race car driver and go whipping around a track. They got it, baby.

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Speaker 1 Can I propose something? Okay.

Speaker 1 Will you let me know?

Speaker 1 Please. What is it? It's already.

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 What is it? Relax. No, what is it?

Speaker 1 Will you let me chaperone you on a date?

Speaker 1 Can I be there while you're on the date? Dude, my moves are already pure.

Speaker 1 My moves are pure, dude. I have a system.
Okay, let me propose something else. I have a system down.
Would it be chill? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 If you told me where the date was and I did like a private investigator, like watch you from afar? But you can never show yourself. I swear to God, I will not.
I swear to God. I swear to God.

Speaker 1 But when you go back to your house or whatever,

Speaker 1 or you go back to her place or a hotel or wherever you guys go,

Speaker 1 I have to be able to have access to see it. So you have to leave a blind open or like...

Speaker 1 No, how about this?

Speaker 1 I'll do that. Yeah.
If we do a thing like...

Speaker 1 Don Rickle, what Frank Chinatra did with Don Rickles. Love.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, it's like one of those things where I heard DiCaprio does it, where he'll just go up to the table, and like if somebody's on a date, this guy's a great guy. He's like one of the best.

Speaker 1 Like, make me look good. Do you know this story? No.
Don Rickles and Frank Sinatra. Apparently, Don Rickles went up to Sinatra and was like, hey, I'm on a date with this pretty girl.

Speaker 1 I want you to come over here. They find themselves at the same restaurant.
Yeah. Right? Because she goes, oh my God, there's Frank Sinatra.
And he goes, oh, I know him. Right.

Speaker 1 And he goes to the table. And what does he say? Go ahead.
No, no, no. He says to Frank, I want you to come over and introduce yourself to this girl that I'm dating to impress her.

Speaker 1 Frank's like, all right. And he, Frank, Don goes and sits down.
And then moments later, Sinatra comes walking over.

Speaker 1 And in the middle of the, you know, middle of the meal, Frank's like, hey, just want to say hi, Don. It's like one of the best guys.
And Don Reggos looked up and he's like, I'm eating.

Speaker 1 Can't you say I'm eating a meal on a date with a girl?

Speaker 1 So great. It's great.

Speaker 1 But we can't do that if the girl knows who I am through you. So if she.
No, but it's so weird.

Speaker 1 Some of the girls I'm dating, they don't know who you are. Great, that's great.

Speaker 1 They don't know. They know vaguely that I'm a comedian.
Okay, good.

Speaker 1 Let's make sure to keep it away from a girl who doesn't know your comic who doesn't know the show no they know i'm a comedian right but they just don't know the familiarities of like who i asked them i go do you know who burt christen got i don't know him you know if the girl doesn't know our podcast yeah then i'll play that game with you but what's the game because it can't be that what do you mean i want a different scenario i don't want to go can't you see i'm eating i don't well how about this yeah how about this yeah yeah how about this yeah

Speaker 1 we find out where you're eating she doesn't know who i am yeah we talk we call the restaurant you know we pull in a favor and let me serve you guys for the night.

Speaker 1 I will 100% do that. There's no way.
Why? I don't want that. I won't fuck it up.
I want it to be in-and-out. You want to go to In-N-N-N-N-N Out, Burger? No.
I want you to,

Speaker 1 I don't want you to be you. No, I'll be a character when I'm serving you guys.

Speaker 1 I want you to have a suit. This is better.

Speaker 1 You're a suit. Like an agent.
Bigger.

Speaker 1 Wall Street. No, like in the business.
I produced.

Speaker 1 You produced movies. So I'm a producer and I wear a suit.
You wear You wear a suit and

Speaker 1 you come to the table

Speaker 1 and you say something very like complimentary. So I'm eating, let's say, let's just act it out.
Okay. All right.

Speaker 1 Are you enjoying your smorgasborg?

Speaker 2 Yes. Thanks.
He's great.

Speaker 2 So much smorgas.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's such a good stroganoff here at this restaurant.

Speaker 2 What is that? Stroganoff? Is that reference?

Speaker 1 It's like a meaty noodley.

Speaker 1 Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt. How good is this stroganoff at this place? Oh, it's really good.
Yeah. All right.
Have a a good night. That's not what I want.
Oh, no,

Speaker 1 that's absolutely not what I want. Okay, hold on, hold on.
That's absolutely not what I want. Okay, hold on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt you guys.
I'm sorry. Yes.

Speaker 1 Wow, you have beautiful eyes.

Speaker 1 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 1 What? Wow. That's your reaction.
Sorry, I'm a big producer.

Speaker 2 You got to do something about it.

Speaker 1 I'm a big producer in Hollywood. Oh, you are.
What do you have you produced?

Speaker 1 Narnia, blah, blah, blah. Oh, wow.
I don't want to be.

Speaker 1 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Narnia, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, I just, I mean, well, blah, blah, blah. Is this

Speaker 1 a new. No, no, we have a film, blah, blah, blah, coming out.
Oh, right. Jordan Peel.
Blah, blah, blah. Oh, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, we kind of stay in line with these vague titles that he's doing.

Speaker 1 We really like it. Yeah, yeah.
You know, like Nope. And you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Yeah. Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so I just wanted to tell you,

Speaker 1 I think you are such a talented actor and comedian. Oh, thank you.
And I just, and what is that smell? You are, you smell so good.

Speaker 1 What is your name?

Speaker 2 I'm Juicy.

Speaker 1 No, lady. Wait, wait, what is my name? Lady.
Pick a name.

Speaker 2 I'm

Speaker 1 Cynthia. Who's Cynthia? Cynthia.
Cynthia. I got to be honest with you.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I want to get back to you, but I just. God, you are stunning.

Speaker 1 Beautiful.

Speaker 2 Are you sure you're not just smelling the stroganoff?

Speaker 1 No, that doesn't.

Speaker 1 I'm smelling something different. I am smelling strogan.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Anyway, I'm sorry.
Sorry.

Speaker 2 I am an actress.

Speaker 1 You are?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, wow.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 Cynthia.

Speaker 1 What about that back to me?

Speaker 1 And this is what he was talking about eating pussy.

Speaker 1 You made it about you again. Let it be about you.
I feel like this executive is trying to get this pussy though. No, he's not.

Speaker 1 I feel the energy go to you. Cynthia, do you feel that? Yeah, first of all, he's being polite.
He's being polite. Stop.
Don't break the fucking. All right.
Cynthia.

Speaker 1 Cynthia, what's your last name?

Speaker 2 Cynthia.

Speaker 2 What do you have to look at?

Speaker 1 She's on the ceiling. She's on the spectrum.
She is. She's on the spectrum.
I noticed that.

Speaker 1 She always looked at the ceiling when she has to say something. Oh, what's your last name again? Chang.

Speaker 1 Oh, Cynthia Chang.

Speaker 1 It is?

Speaker 1 Your name is Cynthia Chang? Yeah, I'm

Speaker 2 divorced. I haven't changed my name back.

Speaker 1 Oh, Asian Fetish. Got it.
I'm Asian. That's all she dates.
I like it.

Speaker 1 So I just want to let you know I'm a huge producer in Hollywood.

Speaker 1 And we have a role for you. Anyway, we have a role for you in blah, blah, blah.
You do?

Speaker 1 Yes, but unfortunately, we're going to have to have you.

Speaker 1 You would have to leave the dinner right now and go to set.

Speaker 1 There is the role right now. You're shooting right now.
Right now. Yeah.
No negotiation. I don't know.
What am am I getting paid? What?

Speaker 1 It's free? No. Oh.

Speaker 1 I mean, I just assumed a guy like you would get a million dollars a role. I'm in.
Well, goodbye, Cynthia.

Speaker 1 You see?

Speaker 1 For Bob. Bobby? Yeah, fuck Cynthia.
Wait, no, no.

Speaker 1 Good luck. I'll give you money.
I go.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Oh, as your friend.

Speaker 1 And I feel like Cynthia Chang.

Speaker 1 Is that your last name again? Yes. I feel like Cynthia Chang would know.
I would look at her and go, listen, I'm so sorry. Rain check.
I'm paying for the dinner. I'm going to do blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 Who's in blah, blah, blah? Jordan Peale. No, who's directing? Jordan's directing.
It would be weird that Jordan wouldn't call it. Adam Scott is the star.
I love him. Right? And what am I playing?

Speaker 1 Adam Scott's

Speaker 1 fuck toy.

Speaker 1 Cynthia, bye-bye. Let's go.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck toy. Fuck yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, how will the dinner really go?

Speaker 1 You know how it's going to go? You'll be on a dinner date. All right.
And I'll walk up and I'll go, excuse me. Sorry to interrupt.
I'm a massive Hollywood producer. Okay.

Speaker 1 That's weird to open that way, but. I sure it is, but I can say that because I'm super rich and famous.
Okay. What's your name? Borglson.
Hey, Borglesson.

Speaker 1 Borgelson. Borglson.
Borgolson. It's not that hard.
Borgolson. Correct.
Hello. Thank you.

Speaker 1 And I got to tell you,

Speaker 1 I've been wanting to work with you for so long I can't get a hold of your team. Really? I've been calling and calling and calling.
That's odd, Borgolson.

Speaker 1 Why would it be?

Speaker 1 That's weird, I mean, Borgoldson.

Speaker 1 Okay, but I tried to get a hold of your team.

Speaker 1 And for some reason,

Speaker 1 I cannot get a hold of them. Okay.
So I want you to be a part of this thing with me, Randall. I just, I need you in it.
Randall? Wait, what?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What? Yeah, Randall? Do you go by Randy? You're not. Oh, excuse me.
I'm sorry. Sorry, Cynthia? Yeah.
It's sir. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 No, I'm sorry. No, it's a common mistake.
I think you think I'm Randall Park?

Speaker 1 You're not Randall Park? No. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Wait.

Speaker 1 Okay. You're not Randall Park?

Speaker 1 Wait, you think I'm Randall Park's idea?

Speaker 1 I thought. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm Bobby Lee. Oh, gross.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Oh, uh-oh, hot dog. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I do want to put you in. Yeah, yeah.
You don't know my skill set?

Speaker 1 Uh-oh, hot dog guy. By the way.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Hermistaking you as well. Fantastic.
Fantastic. Juicy.

Speaker 1 Let me just do this. I'm serious.

Speaker 1 Let me talk to a restaurant. We'll shoot it.

Speaker 1 And we won't do anything rude or fucked up, but let me be a server. And you'll never reveal that this is shot.
And then we'll have to air at one point, so we'll have to tell her that this is a prank.

Speaker 1 That's fine. It's not really a prank.
There is no joke.

Speaker 2 Because she will definitely not know me. Let me go up and get your autograph.

Speaker 1 So good. And it'll make you feel like it's a good idea.
Can we do this, please? Okay. Please.
Okay. It'll be so much fucking fun.
It's going to backfire. I just, I can feel it, but let's do it.

Speaker 1 In what regard?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 if I'm on a date and I don't know, and characters come up, right? And I'm like,

Speaker 1 it sounds fun. I know, it does fun, right? And no one tells me.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 And then a month later,

Speaker 1 I see it online. Check it out.
We're never going to make her look bad. Never.
Ever. I'm never going to say anything negative towards her.

Speaker 1 It's just going to be goofy, funny stuff to see how she reacts. And by the way, this is a testament to how cool she is as a chick.

Speaker 1 If she's down with you and knows, you're going to be a comedian for the rest of your fucking life. You're going to be surrounded by weird, strange people.
Can I tell her afterwards?

Speaker 1 No. Of course.
You can never tell her.

Speaker 1 She has to see it herself. She has to see it herself.
No, no, you can, of course, you can tell her afterwards.

Speaker 1 But I mean, it would be so fun to see how she reacts if a server comes up and starts rattling off bullshit and then a fan comes up. You know what I mean? Then we can even get.
Okay, let's do it.

Speaker 1 You down? I want to do it. Yes.
You'll hide your cameras? Yeah. And so it had to be.

Speaker 1 They're going to shoot it on iPhones, and we're going to have mic, and I'm going to be mic'd up, and we'll put a mic at the table.

Speaker 1 I'll be mic'd.

Speaker 1 You need to be mic'd, and we'll have the mic at the table for her.

Speaker 1 Hidden camera. We can, we can.
We can do it. We can do it.
We can do it. We can do it.
We can do it. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 It's got to be great. That's like great.
And then we have Moses come up and be like, hey, man, I just want to thank you for all those tips you gave me on eating puk.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's good, too.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying. We should just cast the characters a little bit.
Right. And by the way, at the end of it all, if she's like, fuck this, I didn't like that.
We don't have to air it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but then she's done with me. Okay.
That's fine.

Speaker 2 That's a price I'm willing to pay.

Speaker 1 That's right. Okay.
That's right, Cynthia Chang. Right.
By the way, if she's not cool enough to go along with something so, so like monotonous, how is she going to date a fuck you?

Speaker 1 Because do you know who you are? I know, but if there's a camera, I'm going to be acting. Don't act.
No, I would have to say funny things. Well, do it then.
Yeah, yeah. But I mean, that's your nature.

Speaker 1 You're going to say funny things on a date with her anyway. Are you not funny on dates? Yeah, I don't lie, but if there was a camera, I'd say ridiculous things like, yeah, I do naked

Speaker 1 skydiving in the weekends. And what would she say? She'd say, well, I want to go home.
I don't like that. I go, no, we're going now.
Skydiving naked? Yeah. Strap me up.

Speaker 1 You put on a strap on. She puts on a strap on.
Fucks you. Yeah.
That's tandem. Wait a minute.
Are you not funny on dates? Not really. You're not like sweet and cute.
You're cute. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, what does that mean? Like, give me. Like, I'll do twitches.

Speaker 1 What? What does that mean?

Speaker 1 Hold up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like, I do things to make me seem eccentric. Eccentric.
Eccentric. Eccentric.
Yeah, yeah. Eccentric.
Eccentric. Eccentric.
Eccentric. Borgleson.
Borglson. So, wait a minute.
What do you do?

Speaker 1 You do things to do.

Speaker 1 What do you say? I'll go like,

Speaker 1 do a little weird thing. Oh my God.
We have a different definition of what cute is.

Speaker 1 And then they'll go, what is that? I have twitches.

Speaker 1 Is that what you really do like that? Yeah, I really do do stuff weird stuff like that. I do another thing where I'll step away from the table.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like she'll say something and I'll think it's shocking and I'll walk away. If she's like,

Speaker 1 she'll say something like, I don't know much about the Beatles and I'll go, oh, and I'll walk away and I'll do like a little shake, you know what I'm saying? And come back and come back.

Speaker 1 That's actually kind of funny. That's cute.
I do cute things like that, right? How about when it comes to time to pay the bill? Oh, I tell them beforehand that you'll never pay. Really? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 See, I think you should slide them the bill and see what they do. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. I think, see, that's, I think that's fun.
I don't, no, that's not cute.

Speaker 1 You slide them the bill and then you go,

Speaker 1 really? I think it's funny just to see how they react. Yeah.
Or, you know what you should do?

Speaker 1 You should go, pull out a card and go, do you want to, do you want, and then they'll think you're going to split it. You're like, do you want to go one quarter me? Oh, my God.
The dread of it.

Speaker 1 One quarter me, three quarters you? Yeah. You're like, because you did eat a lot more bread.
Well, then I would have to go all the way then. So I'll go like this and go, you get this, right?

Speaker 1 And I know I picked you up, but you found your right home.

Speaker 1 You got your own right home? What do you think of that? You know what you should ask? I dare you to ask. Be like, can I have five bucks for gas?

Speaker 1 Gas has gotten out of control. Just throw me a five for gas, please.
Yeah. It's not that big of a deal.
Okay. Or you know what, you should, or how about this?

Speaker 1 Oh, God, I would love to do all this stuff if I was the server. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, like if the server has no, I would have no idea who you are. I'm not a fan because I don't want to do a fan thing.
I'm just being that annoying server.

Speaker 1 I'm like, can I get you guys something to drink? And then she, does the girl get a drink when she's on a date with you? Yeah. I let them.
I explain to them, I don't, it doesn't freak me out.

Speaker 1 If you want a drink, you can drink. It does.
Right. You don't.
Right. I want to make them feel comfortable.
So I would say, ma'am, are you, what would you like? What kind of drink would you like?

Speaker 2 I'll have whiskey on the rocks. Oh, whiskey one rocks.
I'll make it a double.

Speaker 1 A double.

Speaker 2 Can I also get a Long Island iced?

Speaker 1 Yeah, two drinks at once? Yeah. Sounds good.

Speaker 2 I like to chase the whiskey down.

Speaker 1 You're smart. Sir, to drink? Die Coke.
Oh, do you not want anything to drink? No. Are you sober? Yes.
Oh, you are? Yeah. You got to get rid of this sober fucking loser.
I'll be right back.

Speaker 1 I'll be right back.

Speaker 1 How about if I have a contract? What is it? I go,

Speaker 1 in the middle of the the dinner, I go, oh, by the way, I forgot to do this in the beginning. I have a contract.
Like an NDA. I pulled it out.
That's so funny. And that's got weird shit on it.

Speaker 1 But you know what it has to be? It has to be like a scroll. Yeah, it's like a scroll.
Yeah, you have to have to have to have to have to have to scroll. Oh, like a dead sea scroll.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So it looks old. Yeah.
Can you get old paper? Papyrus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Papyrus.

Speaker 2 I've shown thousands of women this NDA.

Speaker 1 It's got to have one of those things. You know how you wrote the roller thing? Yeah, yeah.
And just go, just sign anywhere. Right, so I have to write, and it's got to be in like it's.
feather pen.

Speaker 1 Feather pen. You have a but it's blue, it's like somebody like blood writing.
Yeah, it's red, it's red, it's red, yeah, right. And you're like, don't worry, it's my blood, but it's old.

Speaker 1 To whom it may concern? No, just sign your name. No, no, no, it's got to have all the things on it, though.
Yeah. Oh, well, it's going to say.
Yeah, what is it going to say?

Speaker 1 I can no longer, I cannot, I can never again speak of this incident for the rest of my life. For the rest of my natural-born life.
My natural-born life. So they can't talk about you ever again.
Right.

Speaker 1 You have to do the ancient moon ritual, Korean style. Oh.

Speaker 1 On the 23rd of every month.

Speaker 1 And then she has to ask me about that.

Speaker 1 That's good. And also, you should get one of those thumbprint things.
Like, get a little ink for it, make her put a thumbprint on there. What are those people, the notary guy?

Speaker 1 That's what a notary, yeah. Yeah, we have to have a notary guy there.

Speaker 1 That's great, right? You play the notary guy? I'll be the notary.

Speaker 1 I have a notary guy, right? And you do the thumb thing, right? Your thumb. This is good.
This is good, right? This is really good. Really good, right? The third line is

Speaker 1 what? The third line of the contract? Yeah, is yeah. You have to, well, you have to have sex with you.
You have to have sex with Bobby. Something like that.
Yeah, yeah. That's fucked up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we can't make them sign yes to having sex with you. Right.
Yeah, that seems bad. Have a, in parentheses, optional.

Speaker 1 I might have sex. Check yes for might have sex with body.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You might have, and then have a yes and no thing.
Correct.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, like

Speaker 1 kindergarten, it just says,

Speaker 1 would you want to ever have sex with me? Circle one, yes or no? Do you want to bang, bang? Do you want to bang bang? Yeah, yeah, yes or no? Yes or no? Yeah, yeah. And she's

Speaker 1 parentheses optional. No, no, no.
It's either yes or no. Okay.
Or maybe. No, or maybe.
Or maybe. Or maybe.
Or probably. Right.
No, you know what? It should be the scale of one to five.

Speaker 1 How they do strongly disagree, strongly agree.

Speaker 2 Can I bring my trumpet?

Speaker 1 We got to shoot this.

Speaker 1 Got to shoot this date.

Speaker 1 Here's the thing. Right, right.
I have a buddy who has a place, a restaurant, where they have like a private room, one of those like, you know, like a,

Speaker 1 and it's perfect. We can put it in the private room because you'll tell her it's special, but this way she won't be embarrassed because it won't be in front of other people.
Right.

Speaker 1 And then we need a dwarf.

Speaker 1 I'm going to call Brad Williams right now. Yeah, yeah.
No, you know what? What? Let's get Brad Williams a red wig to look like me. And then in one scene, I'll go, ooh, I forgot your green beans.

Speaker 1 And then I leave and he brings back the green beans

Speaker 1 wearing the exact same thing I'm wearing. Right.
And we don't talk about it. I come in sometimes, he comes in sometimes.
That's awesome.

Speaker 1 So we have to establish your name first so I can call him the same thing. Right.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, you'll go, like, I'll say, my name's Jing. Jing, my name's Jing.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I drop stuff off, and you go, you'll deliberately go, say your name, and I go, oh, Jing, sorry, I should have introduced you. Right.
And then when he comes in, go,

Speaker 1 sorry, say your name again. Brad comes in and he goes, Jing.
I should already know. You just call him Jing, Nap.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it.

Speaker 2 To confuse her. You would just go, are you the same waiter?

Speaker 2 You probably wouldn't remember the waiter's name.

Speaker 1 Okay, whatever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I'll figure that out later.
Yeah, I don't know. We're doing this.
Okay. You got to find a girl who has no idea about the podcast, doesn't really like the comedy world, and we got to do it.

Speaker 1 Okay. And I'll call it my buddy.
We'll put fancy to work.

Speaker 1 Okay, we'll do it. I'm so excited.
I'm so excited, too. But I'm also a little nervous for you.
I'm nervous, too. Why? Just because I know it's going to be different for you.
It's going to be hard.

Speaker 1 No, if it's for the cameras and for a bit, I'll do it. That's right.
Because if it's not, it's even harder. That's weird.
I would never do it if it's not recorded.

Speaker 1 Oh, can I just say I did something the other night, and I feel so bad about it. Yes, I love I feel so bad.
And I think he's mad at me.

Speaker 1 So, Jeremiah Watkins was on before me in the OR, and he had a camera set up, right?

Speaker 1 And while he was on stage, I just stood in front of the camera.

Speaker 1 Back to the face. And I just

Speaker 1 back or face, friend? I just stared at it.

Speaker 2 You stared into the lens.

Speaker 1 In the lens.

Speaker 1 And then at one point, I moved it for a while. Where it's facing the wall.
Very funny. And then he says, Good night.
I put it back in place.

Speaker 1 And then I went up on stage. And I can I call him? See if he

Speaker 1 knows what knows what happened. All right.
Because he reviewed the tape. You know, Jeremiah reviewed it the moment he got there.
That's so funny. Yeah.
And all the dormant, everyone was laughing.

Speaker 1 Why do you think he's mad? He didn't say anything to you yet. Did he text you? No.
Well, then, how would you know he's fucking upset?

Speaker 1 I mean, I think my money is on, he's bummed. Yo, you.
Yeah, the other night when you were recording, do you see the tape?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you messed my freaking footage.

Speaker 1 Are you mad?

Speaker 1 I'm not thrilled about it dude

Speaker 1 Really trying to I was trying to tape a set man. Are you mad though?

Speaker 1 I'm not I'm not thrilled with you man

Speaker 1 You're not thrilled. I'm not thrilled.

Speaker 1 It wasn't funny at all in any way.

Speaker 1 I mean, you know in a in a Bobby way where I'm like oh Bobby. So you saw me well, so what did I do on the tape? I stared in it.

Speaker 1 You showed like your nipples and stuff like that. Oh yeah, I showed my nipple.
That's right. I showed my nipples and then what else happened? Yeah, and I was like, oh, okay, classic comedy.
I get it.

Speaker 1 It's funnier than what I'm doing on stage. And then I moved the camera for a bit.
Well, that's what pissed me off is the moving of the camera because that lens is like giant on that thing.

Speaker 1 I was just worried, like, while you're moving, I was like, did he, is he about to drop this camera? Oh, right, right, right.

Speaker 1 So there is a little anger.

Speaker 1 Dude, you know, I have a dormant anger within me. Yes.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I talked to Sawul

Speaker 1 at the cover booth, and he goes, Yeah, I told Bobby to do that. I go, oh, you're both on my list now, man.
Oh, I'm on your list?

Speaker 1 I'm on your list. Interesting.
Interesting. Interesting.
How about this, pal? I'll double down. What do you mean you'll double down? I'm going to double down.
I'm going to double down.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to tell you something.

Speaker 1 I'm going to tell you. Anytime you set up a camera at the comedy store, there'll be mischief.

Speaker 1 What if I'm trying to get a freaking tape, dude? You don't need a tape, man.

Speaker 2 You should submit the one with Bobby.

Speaker 1 Okay. So, I dare you.

Speaker 1 You dare me to freaking what, dude?

Speaker 1 Set up a camera.

Speaker 1 Set up a camera.

Speaker 1 Are we reopening up another war, dude? Yeah, dude. I'll have a war, dude, with you.
All right. I dare you.
Set up a camera.

Speaker 1 You're not going to see a set. I'll tell you that right now.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Dude.

Speaker 1 You're going to force me to have somebody sit with the camera.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Bobby's starting a war dude. I love starting wars, dude.
That's crazy. War, war, war, war, war.
Bobby is starting a war with him. I love starting wars.
Because he was butthurt. He was upset.

Speaker 1 And it was funny. It was funny.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because if it's, I could see if he was doing, like, you know, a late night spot. He's doing, you know, Jimmy Kimmel.
Yeah. And I walk in front of the camera there.

Speaker 2 Maybe he is. I mean, that'd be hilarious.

Speaker 1 That'd be hilarious.

Speaker 2 That would be so hard.

Speaker 1 If I told Jimmy, I go, I know Jeremiah has a late night spot. And walk him in front front of him.
And then I just walk in front of the camera. It would crush.
It would crush, by the way.

Speaker 1 It would crush. It would be insane.
It would be insane. Did he say he had a set for something? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's filming for taping? To tape? Yeah. And he has to do it again, I think.
Well, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going to call. I need to know where his spots are.

Speaker 1 All you have to do is call. You know who to call.
I'm going to call, and I'm going to see, you want to do some?

Speaker 1 Please do some. I just like supporting this beef between you.
Yeah, yeah. I think this is very fun.
It's so fun to do. You looked in the camera?

Speaker 1 I looked right in the camera for about two, three minutes, and I did a couple of dances. So he really.
And also, the people in the back, the audience members, loving it. We're laughing.

Speaker 1 And he thought that they were laughing because of him crushing. Yes, sir.
But they were really laughing because I was being really funny back there. All right, well, we know what we're doing now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. We're setting up a fun date for you, and we're continuing this war between you and Jeremiah.
What do you guys think?

Speaker 1 I think we're in. I knew he was upset.
Yeah, I could tell. He definitely had that.

Speaker 1 No, no, it's fine, but it's not fine. It's not fine.
No, I love it. Well, let's see where this fucking Watkins-Lee beef goes.
Yeah. I'm excited.

Speaker 1 That's a good dish, by the way, at my local Watkins-Lee beef. It's pretty good.
Watkins-Lee beef.

Speaker 1 I want to say this to the fans before we go. We're working on the tour for next year.
We're working very hard. Also, we're going to probably do a couple more bad friends live at the store

Speaker 1 before we do that. We're figuring out dates and all that stuff.
So, in the meantime, we love you. We've also got

Speaker 1 Christmas merch coming up. Holiday merch is going to be coming very soon.
Let's say goodbye at the same time. Thank you for being a bad friend.