Goo: The Movie & Bobby's Beef with Brian Moses

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Pet injuries and additional coverage and subject to policy terms. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
I want to be your underdeveloped Siamese twin. As a kid, you were born with like a mole.
I have one on my leg. Right.
But maybe, can we have the mole on your stomach? I do have one on my stomach. All right.
So, and as years go by, it just grows into more of a, people think it's a tumor. Right.
And then by age 12, you see an eyeball. No, I'm the guy.
You're normal. You're not like this.
No, you're not like that because you're the normal one. Oh, I'm me? Yeah, you're you.
I got it. I'm, you know what I mean, coming out.
So go on. Right, there's a finger, an eyeball, age 12, right? You go to the doctor like, we think it's, we don't know.
We're not sure. We're not sure.
And then you're like, you're so afraid. Your parents are like, we got to get it out.

We got to extract it.

And you're like, you have a phobia of surgery.

Of course.

Right?

So you go, I want to wait.

It's my decision.

It's my body.

My body, my choice.

My body, my choice.

Right?

Yeah.

And then by 18, you can tell.

But it's weird because you're like, I think it's Asian.

My little mole has grown into my side.

It's like a mouth.

Now the Asian eyes are out.

Right?

Big cheeks.

Right?

A finger.

Yeah.

Right?

And at night when I sleep I'm sleeping and all I hear is we are Siamese we are Siamese if you don't please tell me you don't know what this is oh from Aristocrats no it's Lady and the Tramp One of the cat movies By the time you're 25 You have a full blown like shoulder Head you're teaching me how to speak A Korean man is protruding from my body I'm out late at night you can hear Because my head is I have a neck now Oh you're eating No I. No, I'm eating a dick.
I said dick. No.
We want to do family? Oh, I'm not a writer. I'm not a writer.
I can tell. Yeah.
Wait a minute. Yeah, yeah.
I think you're just eating something at night, but I'm afraid you're going to gain us weight. Right.
So I hear you. Yeah.
And I'm like, and I wake up. Yeah.
Cut it out. Yeah.
It's always ramen. We're going to get fat.
The I hear you. And I'm like, and I wake up.

Yeah.

Cut it out.

Yeah.

It's always ramen.

We're going to get fat.

The slurping.

Right, yeah.

Yeah.

Can it be that you sometimes think it's your dick, but it's just ramen?

Sure.

We'll do one.

We'll cut it out. Okay.

It's just a scene.

No, it's fine.

Can we just have it for me?

Of course.

Let me throw it out there.

It could be like a dream, and he wakes up, and you're just eating ramen.

Juicy plays, you get married.

To Juicy?

No.

Okay.

She's your daughter.

Got it.

That makes more sense.

Now you're 50.

She's full grown.

Yeah.

And you've been hiding me this whole time.

How could I hide a half Korean man sticking out of my body?

They think you're fat.

You guys just think I'm really porky?

Fat dad.

Yeah, you have like.

Yeah, you have like.

What do you say to your friends when your friends say, when they're like.

Juicy, it's kind of weird.

When your dad, you have like... What do you say to your friends when your friends say...
When they're like, Juicy, it's kind of weird. When your dad...
When I see your dad in the front yard, he looks like something's wrong with his chest. Oh, he's just fat as fuck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't even have to write dialogue.
I mean, improvise. I love calling them lyrics.
Lyrics. I'm going to go to set tomorrow and be like, these lyrics are not.
All right, fuck that. I'm not going to sing this song on camera.
I fucked up. And then, because your wife knows.
Okay, I would hope so. Yeah, because you'd have to hide me.
It's impossible. Imagine if she doesn't.
Every time I get naked, I have a towel draped over me. And I'm like, it's just a comfort thing.
It's hard to justify writing-wise. Well, what is it like it doesn't make any sense when you guys are alone you're like when are you gonna introduce me to your wife let's make it dark what how about this you're born your my your wife mysteriously dies oh wow i killed him i killed her and i you were sleeping right i found you know what i mean wait are you my uncle yeah yeah i'm your uncle she finds two chopsticks in her eyes right and while I was eating ramen I just jabbed her eyes out with the two chopsticks no too much 824 it's more 824 it feels 824 get him on the phone and then what happens and then I have to avenge my wife's death by deciding whether or not i'm going to kill you which actually kills me whoa or travel around the world to one country that the one doctor will do this very risky surgery i have it oh you take it away i have it okay you finally you can't you've had enough you know that i murdered your wife two two chopsticks.
Uh-huh. Right? You're like, fuck it.

I got to get the surgery.

Got to.

Right?

Yeah.

And when I get surgically, right?

Removed.

Removed.

You hear this.

Oh, no.

What happened?

I have two arms.

Oh, you're walking on your arms.

I run away.

Right?

You're like, fuck my brother. He killed my wife.
i have to wear this apparatus every day of my life right huh gets it removed right you see like a little marks like red marks on the hospital floor they can't find me whoa whoa so it's now you i know where you live because i live there right right and i'm looking for my favorite could you my favorite sweater i need my favorite sweater you do yeah and it's at home and you go to get it well yeah but you know you but you know this is how you're going to capture me uh-huh he's gonna go for the sweater so you're there getting a sweater you make this box like a contraption or like you know i mean like it with like a trap a rat trap. Yeah.
Right? And you put the sweater in the rapture.

Oh my God.

You now know.

You're scared shitless.

You helped me set up the trap.

Right.

Because you know why?

You're a Girl Scout.

Okay.

No?

No good layers.

I like this.

You're a fucking Girl Scout.

Yeah.

And you know all the traps.

They know traps, right?

And ropes.

Well, also there's cookies.

She has girl access to the cookies.

I like cookies.

And you definitely like cookies. Which kind? What's the flavor? We'll say it on the count of three everyone's favorite one two three lemon tagalongs what's is there a lemon zinger i just made it up is there a lemon zinger by the way look up the kinds i actually don't know if there is a lemon zinger yeah i think there's a lemon one no there is there is, right? There has to be.
Thin mints is the old school.

Yeah, yeah.

Thin mints and then lemon...

I'll just zoom in.

Let's see.

Thin mints...

Lemonades.

Lemonades.

Lemonades.

I think that's what I'm thinking about.

What the fuck is a thanks a lot?

That's a great name.

I've never heard of a thanks a lot in my entire life.

And by the way, they call it...

Oh, I know what the flavor is.

Probably pussy.

Yeah, because when guys eat a thanks a lot in my entire life. And by the way, they call it.
Oh, I know what the flavor is. Probably pussy.
Yeah, because when guys eat a thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot.

That's delicious.

We're going to cut that out too?

No.

All right.

Wait a minute.

What is it?

Thanks a lot is a biscuit dipped in chocolate with a thank you message written on it.

That's really good.

You can't go wrong with shortbread.

But look, it used to be called shout outs.

You know what?

Tagalongs are the peanut.

They're now called peanut butter patties. Weird.
They fucking. I think, well, tagalong is probably insensitive to nerds and losers that were never leaders.
Yeah, everyone's a friend. What does Philippe like, though? Who's Philippe? Yeah.
Is that you? Oh, that's your guy. I just named it.
Fine, dude. I'm sorry.
Was that too premature? No, that's sad because it's my uncle I never met. He killed my mom.
Yeah. My mom's dead and we have to kill my uncle.
Philippe. Let me see the names again of the cookies.
I think the ones that you like are, I'm going to go with, he's big into the shortbreads. Okay.
Because I'm short? Yeah. I have no legs.
But you love bread. And I love bread.
Yeah. That's great.
Short bread. Legless.
Yeah, yeah.

Mound and with arms.

But you walk on your hands.

But see, I'm thinking in horror films, you'd be walking on your hands, but your face has

to be up.

Oh, I know, I know.

And your body's up in the air.

Go ahead.

Because you've been on his side your whole life.

You grab onto people and they walk you.

That's how you get around.

What do you mean?

You hold onto somebody and they transport you around. Are they aware, they don't have a choice So ladies let me just say I Get out of the hospital and you when I see a nurse leaves She's done with her show she is I latch on to her calf right is she going oh no At first she goes yeah, she goes what are you doing? doing what are you doing and then you say what are you as you would ask what are you and you go i'm a human being not in this right not in this world will she say something racial like you know i mean half gook half gook i don't know i mean maybe in the 80s yeah you're right in the 80s get this goo off of me yeah goo, goo.
Half. If you're only half.
She says goo.

Yeah, get this goo off of me. And she knows it's racist, so she stops it at that.

She almost says it's okay.

Yeah, in fear of getting canceled, she carries you wherever you want to go.

That's right.

That's what the movie's called, goo.

Goo.

That's what, yeah, goo.

Right?

The beginning.

But you make people feel bad.

You go, what are you, ableist?

Get me to where I want to go.

I want to go.

Take me to 417 Watchmen Avenue. Otherwise,'ll tell everyone that you're yeah an ableist she drops me off i'm in a bush and i'm scoping out the house can you imagine what do you mean you on your hands in a bush how are you seeing anything that's true you're upside down i can climb trees that you can do yeah yeah but i just see these

two arms just yeah clawing up a tree yeah yeah right and you just sit on perch and how about this why don't we do this as a little like you know while i'm attached to you still growing up right you're going backwards yeah a little bit you never clip my nails and that's a whole dialogue oh you're like can like, can you clip my nails? No That's why you kill my wife with your nails instead of chopsticks and with with the nails I can climb trees faster. That's right.
Oh, and that's how we know is near because we see the scratches in the bark Oh, I see. So it's not right away.
You guys do investigate in the next day We discover and you're like a detective girl scout lady. Yeah, you're like look at the fucking tree Well, my friends are all looking at my my now skinny dad and they're like wow your dad looks different And all I see her the only just a side stroke.
It's a lot of girls because you're single now, right? Yeah, but I know I'm not getting any girls because I still have this big gash of a hole On the side of my body from where a man was that's true That's we We need to call Ryan Murphy with these ideas. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because I watched his show last night. I started The Watcher.
Yeah. The Watcher.
I heard it's good. Oh, I watched that whole thing.
You watched the whole thing already? Yeah. Is it good? It's good.
Everyone say it's good. The one about the house, right? Yeah.
It's very Ryan Murphy. Do you know what I mean by that? Yeah, yeah.
No, I don't. I don't know who Ryan Murphy is.
It was good. I got scared.
Are you serious? I swear to God, no. American Horror Story? Never seen it.
Glee? You've never seen one American Horror Story? It's been on for like 34 years. I see the billboards.
I'm like, oh, that looks weird. It's always like two vampires attached to each other and doing some weird thing.
That's like the thing we just wrote. Yeah.
I'm hacked. You're literally doing that.
You think I stole it? Yeah, you did. I stole it from the billboard.
No, but it's very Ryan Murphy, but Bobby cannavale and uh uh why can't i think of her name naomi watts naomi watts he only got 52 on rotten tomatoes jennifer coolidge is fucking and my boy richard kind my buddy richard kind is in it who kills it yeah they're all great you know richard kind yeah okay you know so many special he's he's the funniest person i've ever met in my life in my entire i'm not kidding not kidding. His...
Because he's got that very, like, it's like old school New York Jew, like everything. I'll be eating a meal and he'll go, are you gonna finish? Oh, wait, wait.
What show was he on with you? I never did a show with him. How did you meet him? He's playing golf.
It's, you know, I'm tired of your fucking golf shit, dude. Fine.
No, I'm tired of it. What did I do to you?

Because you meet so many cool people doing it.

And because my dad used to beat me with golf clubs, I have a fear of it.

And he fucked up my career.

Can I tell you a weird story, though?

I have a weird, aside from goo, we'll get back to goo.

How does it end?

I think we let the audience decide how it ends.

In the comments below, tell us how goo ends.

All right.

That's what I like.

So I'm going to tell you something weird that happened.

Love.

Can you take two seconds real fast?

Can I compliment you?

Go ahead.

Your fucking strawberry kisses nails are looking so cute.

Thank you.

Yeah.

That color is getting me a little horny.

I'm not lying.

Are you being real?

It's a sexy color.

Thank you.

And I usually reserve that for when I see it on, you know. Well, Single Bob wants to, because, you know, everyone says that my fingers are like Wolverine hands.
Yes, they are. Right? Yes, they are.
And I wanted to change that because I'm like dating now. Can we get a manicure together? Yeah, yeah.
Can we get a next one? Dude, jealous. Every other week.
You want to get one? No. Yes.
That's so fun. You want to get one with me? Yes, I would love to.
What color do you want? I don't care. Yeah, yeah.
I got these ones recently. I was getting my oil changed.
I went in and got manicured. Yeah.
I want to be like Bobby. Do they always have to be Vietnamese? Yeah.
Okay. They're just so aggressive.
Well, who else can do it that good? Look at how fucking good that looks. I know, but she doesn't care.
You get a Malaysian in there, they're going to fuck it up. Oh, really? I don't know.
Okay. I've never done it.
Yeah, yeah. You got to go.
Let's all go. I'm still holding on.
No way. I'm still holding on to this.
No way, he said. I'm still holding on to this bullshit, uber-masculine nonsense.
I'm gonna do this till I die. This guys don't get their nails painted.
That's me. That's you.
That's cool. You look good, but I would never.
You could get a manicure without getting your nails painted. No thanks.
What is it for? It's for your health. Like, you get the hand nails out.
Guys are supposed to have shitty hands. A part of being a guy is being a guy is having a shitty looking fucked up hand well the reason why i got it done is because when i was shooting that softball movie there was an extra background girl good save thank you good save put that in the books as a good save yeah there was a background woman right right and she was laying on her back and i thought there was some sort of energy between us that like made some flirtations going on.
She didn't have any lyrics, right? She didn't have any lyrics. She had no lyrics.
No lyrics. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She was background. Right.
And so she, I kind of went like this, you know what I mean, to wake her up with my fingers. I did some sort of, you know, Korean, you know, warlock stuff.
You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like, don't do you get it? You know, whatever, right? And she opened her eyes and she looked at my fingers.
She goes, gross. Ew, fuck her.
She looked at my fingers and went, gross. And at that point, I was just like, I got to do something about it.
I'm not listening to that bitch. I did.
She was a background. So the side thing though, let me just say that this is interesting.
So you know how times you scroll through your, because I was doing some, some management when it comes to my contact list. You were deleting old numbers? Yeah, no, didn't understand.
You know what I mean? And people that, like, it says Amy. You know what I mean? Yeah, who's that? Who the fuck is Amy? You know what I mean? Let's call her up.
You know what we should do? We should call off all the numbers in your phone to people that you don't know. Oh, yeah, we should do that.
That's actually very funny. But then I went to the B's, right? And this is a couple years ago.

It's a Billy Ray Cyrus. What? Yeah.
Seriously? Yeah, I swear to God. I still have it.
You do? Yeah, so then a couple years ago when I saw it, I went to Kalani. I go, Billy Ray Cyrus? Who is that again? That's Miley Cyrus' dad.
I've never met him. Why would I have his number? Why would you? And then she goes, it's fake.
It's probably a guy that you know who's a comic or you met somebody that looks like Billy Ray Cyrus. And then you just put him at Billy Ray Cyrus.
That sounds more right. That sounds right, right? But that being said.
But check this out, what I discovered. Uh-huh.
So there's this girl that I'm hanging out with, right? And she used to work for him. I just coughed.
Yeah, that's fine. Okay, go ahead And she used to work for him I just coughed Yeah that's fine

Okay go ahead

She used to work for him

Yeah

So I go

Oh

It's so funny

I told her at the start

She goes

What's the number

And as I said the number

She finished off the number

She goes

That is his number

Wait what

Yeah

And so I don't know

How the fuck

I have

Billy Ray Cyrus'

Number in my fucking phone

You imagine you guys

Were on like a flirty

Texty DM for like a couple of weeks and you just blacked it out of your mind. I don't know.
Is that weird? Can we call him? I don't know if I want to. Who cares? What's the difference? You never called him anyway.
You never had this person. Yeah, but if I pick it up and he goes, who, hello, Billy Ray Cyrus? It's Bobby Lee.
It's Bobby Lee. From Goo.
From Goo. The star of Goo.
Yeah. Let me think about it.
Please, dude. It'd be so fucking cool.
Yeah. Really? It would be so fun.
Billy Ray Cyrus. I'm gonna take my horse to the hometown.
You don't even know this song. There's a hornet, right? Yeah.
Okay, good. So anyway, that was like the biggest song of the year, what, two years ago? What was it? How many years? Three? But let me just say one last thing that happened last night.
Say it. I was sitting there.
Did you see two guys walked up to me handcuffed? Last night? What? Yeah. At the store? At the store.
And they go, we're doing it. Wait, what? I go, what are you doing? The thing that you and Andrew were going to do were handcuffed this is day three no fucking way and they were handcuffed did you just hear with this what he just said I don't quite get it though two people were handcuffed at the comedy store together and remember we joked on the show one time about us being handcuffed together and lasting 30 days what was it I don't even know a week and they go day three And they didn't look healthy.
No, they didn't.

One guy's eyes were bloodshot, and he kind of looked deranged.

And the other guy that was talking was like, we're doing it.

So they're handcuffing themselves.

Yeah, and I'm like, why?

They go, because you guys did it.

We didn't do it.

We did not do it.

Yeah, yeah.

We're doing it anyway.

I go, what?

I did not see those guys.

Yeah, yeah.

They were there.

That is creepy.

Why would they do that? Also, you guys got to keep going and send it in to us. Oh, yeah, yeah.
You got to keep going. You got to keep going and send it in to one of the producers.
Send it in to Fancy. You guys should do some more volunteer work or something if you're this influential.
Yeah, what should we do? Some charity shit? We've talked about doing charity shit. I want to do charity.
Well, what do we want to do? Soup kitchen. What's that one? It just sounds sad, soup kitchens.
I've done it before. It's not sad.
Isn't there like a pizza kitchen we can work instead? Well, they do like more than just soup. I think they just call it that.
You know, we did that in the Philippines where we brought boxes to like this village. They had no running water or food or anything.
And as soon as we came up, we had like 200 boxes of food and these kids ran out completely naked they hadn't taken shots it was so sad yeah right and it just breaks my heart that's why i can't do it again that's all you oh that doesn't say this is just tearing me apart i can't get that sad when i do charity so i'm not gonna do it anymore i'll do it once and then done should we bring in our special guest who's here just to say hi to pop in? Huh? What is he? Well, you're going to talk to him when he gets in here. All right.
I hope he doesn't have attitude. There he is.
There he is. Hey, what's up, man? How are you? Are you okay? I feel great.
Are you okay? We're doing it. Sit down.
Let's talk about it. You guys know each other, don't you? Oh, yeah.
Since the beginnings. No, I'm talking about Juice and Moe's.
So our special guest that's come to the studio is an old friend, someone that Bobby has a lot of beef with, apparently. I have no beef.
I love him. Well, you guys can hash it out.
There's no hash. Brian Moe's has stopped by.
Moe, thanks for coming. Thank you, Santino.
What's going on with this guy? Yeah, I don't know. I walked in.
No, because I'll tell you. Okay.
I might as well. You know what I mean well you know right i heard you say you're filipino i'm just like he's korean you are is that attitude right there see what you just did is that attitude right there let me ask you something okay okay and and and let's just see let's get real and let's be more let's get real all right in the last five years maybe since you did um roast battle maybe Roast Battle, I feel like there's a little bit of an attitude toward me.
Like, you know, really say hi to me. You don't want to talk to me.
You sort of distance yourself. I feel like you feel like you're too cool.
Is that what the deal is? No, no, no. I actually feel the same way.
I feel since Roast Battle took off, you've been kind of weird to me. Oh, I like this.
Why would that be? Because the thing is, the Rose Battle is what took you off into a different plane. And you never came back.
No, I stayed the same. So once, just a science.
He's always been an asshole. Yeah.
He doesn't falter. I've always been an asshole, right? And then something happened, right? Science.
Yeah. And an element shifted.
Okay. But one element stayed the same.
What's the element? I'm the element that says. Oh, you're saying so? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you're saying. Yeah.
Two things were on the same plane. Explosion happened, right? One of them crashed into a World Trade Center.
Right, and one stayed here. At the Pentagon.
At the Pentagon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't forget Building 7. Wait.
You know what you're saying? Yeah. You're saying I'm more like I hit the tower like Is that the one Renazizi was in? Let me try to break down what Bobby's saying And here's why he's mad I'm not mad I just want to get it out You want to get it out because You really like Moses And you think he doesn't like you anymore That's really what it is Yes it is doesn't like you anymore Bobby you said my you told my parents I was talented and great you lied to them and told these all these great things about me I mean I thought we were really good friends so I walked let me ask I don't remember but I went up to your parents your biological parents yes yes I know what exactly what did I say I don't need how I don't know that's it well he's right you might have said that you don't know how you're very funny yeah yeah but what did i say that was very funny what did i say to your fucking parents now you said your son is very talented you don't see a lot of young black talented people here besides and you like listed like a bunch of black talented people in front of them yeah you're like eric rose kobe bryant richard pryor did i did i did i make you look look great.
Okay. Yeah.
Then why the attitude? And here's another beef I have with you. I have two now.
This is so dumb. Why can't I do it? Do whatever you want.
I'm just laughing at it. Yeah, yeah.
This is my domain. Yeah, okay, sure.
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What is this I hear? Because I've talked to a lot of females since I've been single. You're single? Yeah.
This is another beef I have now. You haven't even told me that.
I'm into Asian. Well, first of all, all right.
Do you want Kalilah's number? Are you saying him? Him. Yeah.
Oh, oh. If you're a part of the comedy community and you don't know that I broke up with Kalilah,

that means somebody's drifted away.

Is that a...

Do you agree with me?

Time out.

It means somebody drifted away.

Do you agree with me?

He knows you broke up.

He's teasing.

Do you really?

This is how I...

That's your comedy?

My bad.

No.

No, no.

That's my pickup line.

So I'm like, oh, shit, you're relatively single?

That's how I do.

Let me get to my second piece. How do you not understand that that's what he's doing? Oh, I didn't know.
Well, we got to get you around more black people. You think that's it? Well, here's what it is.
Why do you do that? No snitching. Let me tell you.
No snitching. No snitching.
These guys, man, they're like a vault, a big black vault. I don't know anything, Bobby.
I know nothing about you. Oh, wow.
Oh, that's what it is. Yeah, I don't even know.
All right. I know your brother's name is Steven Lee.
He has a better podcast. I'm a good friend.
I'm going to let that go ahead. It's funny.
He's doing his roast thing, which I like. First of all, that's his technique.
Part of the reason that he wanted to come say what's up is because he's got... Before you do that, let me get the second thing out.
That's fine. Wait, the second thing already was you thought that...
No, that wasn't it.

Okay.

All right.

The second thing is that I've heard from many, many women in comedy that you eat the best

pussy.

He does.

But how...

I can attest.

It bothers me.

Why?

What's your technique?

Like he's going to share it.

I need to know the technique.

I can't teach you how to dunk,by and that's a layer joke there's so much going on there would it do you let me ask you out of your skill set you as a person do you know that that's your skill set um yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah wait moze for real now that he is single you don't have to do it for him do it for me do it do it for me because you love me i got you please give bobby though san dingo legend thank you sure give give him one one tip in the in the in the eating kitty faction yeah give him one tip because he knows he's he needs any of. So give him one little tip if you can.
One tip? Just one tip. I mean, act like you like it.
Act like you like it. Oh, smile.
Not even smile. Just really get into it.
Don't do the... Here's the thing I think a lot of guys fuck up.
Yum, yum. By the way, this is supposed to be a secret.
Nobody's supposed to know this. Mom, don't watch this.
Okay. Yeah, but just, it's not even act, like, just really like it.
Don't look a girl in the eyes. Like, girls do the thing in porn where, like, you know, like, they're blowing a guy and, like, they're looking in his eyes.
Like, guys, don't ever look in a girl's eyes when you're going down on them. That's weird.
They don't like it. I'm always like, don't look at me.
Yeah, don't look at me. Guys are like, you like this? You're like, you're trying to prove to them you like, like, just do it.
It's almost like, you're not scared about your comedy. eating pussy that is i don't lock eyes i close my eyes that's but also that's that you know that's science because if you're closing your eyes it looks like you're just trying to get through it he's saying look like you're enjoying it but not lock eyes it's a lot of rules it's like you swing with sharks just don't look up i mean don't paddle your arms or lock eyes with the shark i mean next time you're playing stardew valley look in the mirror and whatever that looks like that's great thank you so much she knows what she's all right so that's one of the best eating pussy but never lock eyes never lock okay can we one more please and if and if she gets too onery you got to punch her in the nose that's the only way to get him away you know that right right right like shark.
Yeah. What's the second thing you think? You know, promise him that you'll vote.
Women seem to like that. Midterms.
Oh, midterm voting. Yeah, Roe v.
Wade's really popular. Right, right.
That's so hot. But if I'm eating up...
Yeah. But if I'm eating up Marjorie Taylor Greene, I would have to say a different thing.
What would you say? I would say, yeah, fuck Roe versus Wade. No, no, no.
Take it rid of it. No, no.
Just say something about Alex Jones was right. Yeah, Sandy Hook is a, you know what I mean? Yeah.
I believe in reptilian shapeshifters. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, I see. Kanye's the new Hitler with a B.
I don't know. Something cool.
I know you guys are joking, but I'm kind of on board with most of those things that you just said. I know you guys are teasing around.
So those are two things. Don't lock eyes and talk about voting.
No, act like you like it. Act like I like it.
Don't those things. Act like you like it.
Don't lock eyes. Let them know you're going to vote.
Let them know you're going to vote. I just feel like the voting thing, but okay.
I'm going to try it, but I feel like it's not. I'm not going to.
See, this is why. This is why you don't eat more pussy.
See? Because you're not voting. Right before you go down.
The legs are here, and you go down right before you go in, and then pop back up. I'm going to go, I'm going to vote.
And then go right back in. Oh, I see.
Yeah, let him go. What if I pop up, and I have that voting sticker on my head? Even better.
I voted, right? That circular sticker. Actually, you know what? That's pretty good.
Go down on them. Go down on them.
Make them come. Right.
And then pull your head away and go, look. And when they look down, they see you've left a sticker right there.
Right. Let me get something like a fortune cookie, though.
Okay. That's good.
That's really good. That's really good.
That's good. If you pull a fortune cookie out and go, what is this? After you went down, crack it open.
It's an I voted sticker. Right.
Or with my JIT. Oh, I'm not jerking off.
Don't make it disgusting. You don't want to like it that much.
Oh, I don't like it that much. Okay.
Just enough. So those are, you know what? These are things.
All right. So we squashed your beef that you, first of all, I apologize.
If I was acting like you in any way, I apologize. I was just, I was keeping that same energy.
You know, I disagree with you. I feel like that I am very nice at the store.
You are actually.

Am I not?

Yeah.

You're there all the time.

He had a bag and I go,

oh, what's in the bag?

And he goes,

oh, it's just a bunch of food here.

You guys can have it.

I was going to throw it away.

Oh, that's nice.

Did you ever end up eating it?

Yeah, we all ate it.

Oh, good, good, good.

Yeah, we put it out on the back.

No, I'll say this.

Like the first,

my first day on the job

was like April 1st,

April 2nd, 2010.

And Bobby came up to me.

It was like,

oh, you're the new black guy. Here, I got some, I need some need some jokes for this thing I'm doing with Valderrama, he had said.
And then it was me and Rel Battle were there. Love.
And I remember that. Bobby was like, give you guys 100 bucks each.
And then Rel was like, cool, I'm going to go get Gerard. I was like, I'm right here.
And Bobby's like, cool, I was giving it to him. But if you got better people, I'll go get them.
I was like, and that was my that was my introduction anyway um we're just kidding why are you here roast battle league one monday night comedy store halloween night at the comedy store yes there's a comedy show on halloween night and it's roast battle league number one it's the very first roast battle league event what's it what's a roast battle league so now you know we have roast battle there's roast battles everywhere every continent but antarctica so now we're bringing the best roast battlers in the world bringing them into halloween night and uh basically doing like the ufc thing so basically the wow the best guys who rose battling each other let me can i ask you some questions i'm very curious about it yeah um are you flying people out or are they getting no we're flying people out that's amazing so where's the farthest place you're playing somebody out from uh london and tokyo holy tokyo there's a japanese dude there's no it's japanese girl itsy she's on on the next one, the Roast Battle 2. Roast Battle League 2.
But the Roast Battle League 1 is a London cat. And yeah, Tokyo's coming next month.
It's every Monday now? No, no, every month. But Monday night is the first one.
Monday, Halloween night. Halloween night.
And you put them up? Where do you put them up? We'll break the hotel. Before you go, we're going to have to break your heart.
This will come out after that now. It's all good.
But Roast Battle 2.

Roast Battle 2, yeah.

Every month at the Comedy Store, we're doing a Roast Battle League event,

and we're building up to Battle Mania, which we're going to do in July.

Fuck.

Yeah.

It's incredible.

You know what?

Because I've judged it before.

I've watched many, many of them. You've seen me in the audience.

Oh, yeah.

I love it.

And I just – have you ever done one?

No, but what I will say is –

I feel like I can't do it. When I watch what you built at the Comedy Store, because I've known you ever done one? No, but what I will say is I feel like I can't do it.

When I watch what you built at the comedy store, because I've known you for a long time. I was I've said this to you multiple times how like happy I was that that what you put together became so this is like viral in real life.
Like that show became viral in real life in the comedy world so much so for people that don't

know is all these other fucking cities everywhere we would go would copy it they would do their roast battle in nashville in in miami i was in philly and they all did it but it started at our house upstairs in the belly room at our club and watching mo's put it together and i've judged i don't know a thousand fucking times but i used to sometimes i used to get so stoned after my set and i would go sit in the back of roast battle yeah but not say i would say hi to him but i would just sit and watch because it was like watching a show i mean it was it was it was such a fucking event that i would hide in the corner because i wanted to feel the energy without being a part of it. It's the hardest I've ever laughed.
Oh, by far. By far.
And number two, what I love about it is, and it's not funny what I'm about to say, but it's like it's the biggest expression of free speech. It is.
Because I feel like the wokeness and all that stuff doesn't apply to it. And there's a freedom to it.
And it's like it feels that I've never felt more American being in that room. Yeah.
Right. Because you can say because I've said I've said I've heard the shit that I even would be like, I would never fuck it.
That's crazy. But it's great because it because it doesn't matter what, you know, like different races and genders and ages and backgrounds.
And everyone makes fun of everybody for everything. So there's no rules, which makes it all free, which makes a handicapped person making fun of a black girl, making fun of an Asian guy.
Like it's just everything is free. Or making fun of a guy's dad that died two weeks before.
You know what I mean? Like, just no holds bar.

Yeah.

And I fucking love it.

It's incredible.

What we achieved today, though, is we squashed this fake beef between you and Moses.

There was no beef.

I love him.

That's what I'm saying.

I love you, too.

I'm going to go down on you later.

He taught you how to go down.

I want you to really teach me because it's like, no, I'm being real.

I want to take a class.

Will you promise me that?

Bobby, let's just do it right now.

What's your goal when it comes to sex?

No, I can fuck. No, no.
I don't want to fuck. By the way, that's the first problem.
That's your first problem. I can fuck.
It's not about you. Yeah, yeah.
No, that's it. See, the first thing he says is I.
Yeah, it's not about you. Oh, you're just blowing my mind.
You're right. It's her.
Her. I'm sitting up.
I'm sitting up. I'm sitting up.
I just had a fucking spiritual awakening. You're right.
So now it's single body. Sex is never about you.
It's never about me. It's not about you.
It's about her. Absolutely is.
Oh my God. He's like my fucking, you know, Kierkegaard.
I'm your sensei. Yeah, he's my philosopher.
Does the woman go in with that attitude as well? cuz then what are they doing? What juice when you're in a misogynist when you're with your boyfriend Do you feel like it's about you or about him about him? Cuz you want to be a great lover. Yeah, but then if we're both doing that, what are we doing? Somebody's gotta be a cancel.
We got a good job each other off Yeah, if you're so equal and then so if if two people are way too giving Then it becomes cuck Then cuck has to step in at some point Yeah I'm cuck And this is Mr. Cuck Right I see Yeah So is this something that you asked before So before I go This is gonna be about you No Right and just make it about you You're literally You're making it about you again oh by even by even asking the girl i'm making it i'm doing this for you is literally saying you're you're doing this so she knows about you so how about this what are you doing it for can i ask that yeah i'm doing it to make no no i know i'm the girl i look at the girl and go excuse me cynthia i'm just a random name right excuse me cynthia hi um before we do this transaction, right? Not me.
She's a squirt. Cynthia, hi.
Before we do this transaction, right?

Ugh.

Not the right word?

No.

Transaction?

Is she an ATM?

No, okay.

Let me say, Cynthia.

Hi.

Can I say hi?

Let me say hi.

Oh, you want to say hi?

I'm Cynthia.

You're Cynthia?

Yeah, let's see how it plays out.

And then he can tell you what you did wrong.

All right.

Cynthia. Hey.
Hi. Hi.
i have to say the last hi it's like an ocd thing for me

but don't break character it's stay in the fucking character start over say someone say action action

Cynthia

yeah Bob

hi

hi

hi

hey

hi

hi

hi

hi

hi Hi. Hi.
Hi. Hey.
Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Is this an Asian thing?

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway.

So listen, Cynthia, what are you doing this for?

I mean, what do you think?

Is it about you or is it about me?

I don't know what you're saying.

What I'm saying is that. We're watching Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
I I love this movie Michelle Kwan Is amazing She's amazing And she's also The Asian Meryl Streep I'm aware You know Yeah I did a movie with her I'm half Asian You know that Yeah I know that Cynthia Yeah Right Hi Cynthia Wong Hi Anyway What I mean by that Is that Everything's about you when I'm doing this transaction. Everything's about you when we're playing this game.
This is not a game to me. It's going to be all about you while we interplay in this formal, physical activity that we're partaking in.
There's formality to this? I just want this to be loose and fun. Is it over? Yeah, I'm home.
Have I lost? Have I lost? By the way, while you were doing it. Brian, have I lost? I feel like as the guy in the part, I feel like I'm losing it.
That was the most boring porn I've ever watched. Oh, really me do it this is for real right I already called the uber by Cynthia Cynthia yeah actually honestly that worked that's hot as fuck yeah that's good that's fine right the chogi too much? No, no.
The talking too much. Yeah.
Make it a silent movie. Yeah.
All right. Oh.
Oh. Okay.
Perfect. You're right.
That's your perfect date. Dude, you should do a master class.
How much would you charge for a master class on how to go down? I wouldn't because I'm not a misogynist. Look at that.
That's amazing. You're a cult leader.
Why is that? Well, yeah. Because I'm making money off of the exploitation of women's pleasure.
So you would charge nothing. But you would still do it? I'd do it for free, yeah.
I'd be a community service leader. It's amazing.
Or you'd take a fee and then you'd donate it to a woman's sex toys. What? No, to a woman's charity.
Yes. And if that woman is against the...
I want to say... It doesn't matter.
Candace Owens. Candace Owens.
Yeah. But that is a true thing that you will...
I don't want to name the girls, but there have been a couple of girls in the comedy community that you've eaten their, you know what I mean? Beautiful vaginas. It's supposed to be anonymous.
Anonymous. And they've all hands down locked their eyes with me and said, Brian Moses is the best at that.
And clap. No, no, no.
This is just for you. It just feels weird to clap on my own.
I know, but I like watching it. Yeah, yeah.
There it is. The Asian man, you guys are constantly clapping towards the black man.
We appreciate that. This is a jealousy thing for them.
He's like, they're fucking good at that too. Oh, right, right.
Yeah. These blacks are getting too many hand claps.
See what I mean? Yeah. Whether it's sports or music.
I'm tired of it, dude. Asians, you guys love the culture, right? Basketball.
Love it. Be-bop.
You know, yeah. B-boy style.
Break dancing, hip-hop, all that shit. Yeah.
Video games. Yeah.
But you know what? Can I argument, though? I know that a lot of black people in the 70s love to go see kung fu festivals. And so we've influenced you guys on as well.
Listen, I want to break the myth for that. Wu-Tang Clan? Yeah, no, no.
We love it. And here's why.
Because black people in the 70s were all poor and B movies were free. Yeah.
So you get them for free on your TV. But you had your own Dolomite, et cetera, et cetera.
Yeah, black exploitation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Black exploitation. But I've met a lot of black women.
Hell yeah. My dad used to take me to the Kung Fu festivals in the 70s.
I'm being real. What? You think I'm wrong? How old are these women? What? Yeah, how old are they? They're my age.
They're in their 50s now. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. But I'm just saying that it's a two-way street.
What's your dad's name? Robert. Oh, Bob.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you a junior? Why would you ask me that? Because I'd be like, your last name's Lee, the 70s, Kung Fu, Bruce Lee.
There must have been a lot of confusion. There was never a lot of confusion.
I'm not even joking. I mean, like, it's your uncle or something.
I don't like it. You don't have an Uncle Bruce? No, I don't.
No. No, there's no, nothing.
No, I'm just... There's no relation.
Okay, that's good. Yeah, yeah.
There's absolutely no relation. Would you name your son Bruce? No.
Because of the teasing. Because he's not going to know karate.
Isn't that interesting that Bruce, Bruce, as an Asian guy, very weird that it's an Asian guy's name, but there's nothing to make fun of. But Bruce, white guy, for some reason, just an easily teasable name.
Oh my God. Hate a Bruce.
It's hate a Bruce. God, I hate a Bruce.
I know a Bruce. Oh, you mean.
Has there ever been a black Bruce? Same Bruce Bruce? Yes Is there a black Bruce? There's no way there's a black famous I was thinking Bill Duke No No Maybe I have a theory Maybe white dudes name certain names If you put it to an Asian guy It switches it So what's another name A white guy Ken We know an Asian guy Ken Shamrock Is Ken a weird one for whites? No When you say weird Do you mean annoying white guy? Like Bruce Chad Chad If you made a Korean dude named Chad Would that be weird or cooler? Kind of tight That's tight Yeah There's Chad Koo There goes Chad Koo Yeah There's Chad Koo right there Chad Hugo He's the, really? Pharrell. That's true.
I guess if you take a white, shitty name and you give it to an Asian, it makes it okay again. Maybe like Curtis.
Yeah. Or Andrew.
Andrew. In fact, if you take a Russian name and put it to Asian.
Slow down, Brian. Yeah, yeah.
Wait a minute. You know your name.

We tried.

We tried that. You almost got away.

That logic.

Black people tried.

It doesn't work for us.

You took white names.

It just didn't work.

I mean, it's bad.

I have like three white names.

Yeah.

I'm going to give my kid, if I have a kid, have a kid, just an unusual name.

Black.

American Black.

Like what?

I don't know.

LeBron.

Yeah.

LeBron Lee.

Bernard.

Oh, my God. that's a strong name

bernard lee french yeah yeah how about like uh how about like uh yeah latavian latavian lee that's dope the alliteration is amazing latavian latavian lee latavian lee that's that's the next one Latavian

um

any J really Jamal

Jamar yeah Jaquan. Jaquan.
Jaquan Lee is sick. Jaquan Lee is sick.
That dude is dope. Jaquan Lee.
Jaquan Lee actually sounds very cool. He's a producer.
What kind? As it comes out. Hip hop.
What? Hip hop. I don't think so.
I think a name influences what you become maybe i agree yeah yeah please go to the company store every monday once a month watch no no no let's not say that once a month yeah just once a month it's uh the roast battle league so this is the new iteration of roast battle roast battle is traditional every tuesday but there's roast battles all over the world and they broadcast so we're trying to make a league kind of like the NBA. Everybody plays basketball, but there's only such a thing called professionals.
So we're bringing all the professionals in once a month to the Comedy Store, hopefully on a Sunday or a Monday, flying them in from Tokyo, Sydney, Australia, Barcelona, Spain, London, New York, Chicago, Austin, Bay Area, L.A., all over the world, and we're bringing them here once a month. So check the Comedy Store website, thecomedystore.com, to go see when those tickets are going to be up and moving around.
I have one last question though. Yeah.
So I wanted to talk to you about this earlier. It's a specific style of writing, right? Roasting.
I've never learned to do that style, right? Are you good at that style? Could you write a roast joke? Nah. I don't think I could, but you're good at it.
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I want to try to roast juice so You help me with it, okay? She's done it. I know.
So what would I start with? Let's say I was battling Juicy. I would look at her, so I would write down what I see physically, right? So she looks like a low-rent Bono with those glasses.
That's one hit. I would look at her body and go and write down things that I saw on her body.
Like clothes she's wearing? Clothes. The shape of her body.
You can go easy with it. You look like this and then you start from there.
It's basically just like a writing experiment. You look like a soup dumpling.
Oh, that hurt. But you do.
That does work. But it's like a...
Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah, you do.
Yeah, soup dumpling yeah soup dumpling yeah oh that's good because I'm wet okay good yeah you're wet you're round chunky and soup is like a thing for your people a lot it's a race element yeah so like if let's say Juicy's mom died a week ago is that too soon or no it's not it's too late yeah oh it's to be same day. It's got to be same day.
Same day death stuff.

No, no, I'm kidding.

You can't usually.

A week.

Yeah, it doesn't.

And honestly, because we're roast battle, it's got to be consensual.

So usually when you're battling an opponent, you want to ask them what's up on this.

Oh, shit.

They do that?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, shit.

Because we're about consensuality.

It's weird.

All right.

So let's see you and I roasting as a juice.

I'm being real.

Where do I stay away from? My mom dying. It's too fresh.
Okay. Yeah, stay away from that.
Did your mom really die? No, but also my mom watches. Damn it, Avi.
Her body's still warm. I start feeling bad.
My mom watches every episode. I love you, mom.
We do love her. We love her so much.
Hi, Miss Jones. But what would really be something that's off limits? I guess I don't...
Would it be okay to be like... I guess I couldn't say I wouldn't know until I hear it because it'd be too late.
It's tough. Yeah, you can't say that.
I know his limits. I don't really know if I have to.
You know mine. Yeah? Yeah.
Yours, maybe what about no Daniel stuff? I wouldn't care about him. No, that's even funnier.
Well, he's a comic, so that's different. Yeah, it's different.
He's a comic. Yeah.
I feel like you don't have any. Not really.
All right, Moe's, give us some love, and then we'll cap off and finish another minute or two afterwards. I love y'all, man.
Thank you guys so much. Ryan, we love you.
Thanks for coming. It was great.
We'll make sure. Roll Spaddle League, baby.
Roll Spaddle League, babe. Viator.
Viator, guys, is the world's leading travel experience marketplace i'm so excited because i used it for andrew he got me for his birthday okay so what do they do if you're wondering what it is they offer everything simple tours to extreme adventures and all the niche interesting stuff in between they put the critical combination of extensive options ease of selection and flexibility your fingertips to help ensure that your time is wonderfully spent and this guy got me an experience. The Napa and Sonoma Wine Country full day tour from San Francisco.
How was it? It was actually very fun. I went up there to San Francisco and I honestly, I thought I was going to hate it because I was like, this was a Bobby thing.
He's going to, it's going to be fake and stupid. And it wasn't, it was incredible and fun and immersive.
And boy, oh boy, do I like my Chardonnay. That's why I love Viator.
Viator is the world's leading travel experience marketplace, guys. They offer everything from simple tours to extreme adventures, all niche, interesting stuff in between.
Yeah, and let me tell you something about this. You think they don't have anything there for me.
Yeah, they do. They have it.
They have it. They have it.
Get on the website and find out what's going on. That's why we love Viator.
All right. They are the world

leading travel experience marketplace. And I got to tell you, they have simple stuff, right? You

can do something very easy. Like sightseeing.
Yeah. Or you can do a town, do sightseeing.
You

can do something very complex, right? You want to get in a car and you want to drive with a

professional race car driver and go whipping around a track. They got it, baby.
Viator has

over 300,000 bookable experiences to choose from and over 190 countries bobby doesn't know that many countries download the viator app now guys and use viator 10 for 10 off your first booking one app over 300 000 experiences you'll remember do more with viator can i propose something okay will you let me? No. Please.
What is it? It's already... What is it? What is it? Relax.
No, what is it? Will you let me chaperone you on a date? Can I be there while you're on a date? Dude, my moves are already pure. My moves are pure, dude.
I have a system down. Okay, let me propose something else.
I have a system down. Would it be chill if you told me where the date was and I did a private investigator watch you from afar? But you can never show yourself.
I swear to God I will not. I swear to God.
I swear to God. But when you go back to your house or whatever or you go back to her place or a hotel or wherever you guys go, I have to be able to have access to see it.
So you have to like leave a blind open or like. No, how about this? Huh? I'll do that.
Yeah. If we do a thing like Don Rickles, what Frank Sinatra did with Don Rickles.
Love. Yeah.
I mean, it's like one of those things where I heard DiCaprio does that where he'll just go up to the table and like if somebody's on a date, this guy's a great guy. like one of the best like make me look good.
Do you know this story? No. Don Rickles and Frank Sinatra apparently Don Rickles went up to Sinatra and was like hey I'm gonna date with this pretty girl I want you to come over.
They find themselves at the same restaurant. Yeah.
Right? Because she goes oh my god there's Frank Sinatra and he goes oh I know him. Right? And he goes to the table and what does he say? Go ahead.
No no no he says to Frank I want you, I want you to come over and introduce yourself to this girl that I'm dating. To impress her, da, da, da.
Frank's like, all right. And he, Frank, Don goes in, sits down and then moments later Sinatra comes walking over and in the middle of the, you know, middle of the meal, Frank's like, hey, just wanted to say hi, Don.
It's like one of the best guys and Don Riggles looked up and he's like, I'm eating. Can't you say I'm eating a meal on a date with a girl so great it's great so you guys do that but we can't do that if the girl knows who I am through you so if she no but it's so weird some of the girls I'm dating they don't know who you are great that's great they don't know they don't know they know vaguely that I'm a comedian okay good let's make sure to keep it away from a girl who doesn't know you're a comic who doesn't know the show no no they know I'm a comedian right but they just don't know the familiarities of like who I ask them I go do you know who Bert Kreischer I go I don't know a girl who doesn't know your comic, who doesn't know the show.
No, no. They know I'm a comedian, right? But they just don't know the familiarities of like who.
I asked them. I go, do you know who Bert Kreischer is? I go, I don't know him.
You know what I mean? If the girl doesn't know our podcast, then I'll play that game with you. But what's the game? Because it can't be that.
What do you mean? I want a different scenario. I don't want to go, can't you see I'm eating? Well, how about this? Yeah, yeah.
How about this? Yeah, yeah. How about this? Yeah.
We find out where you're eating. She doesn't know who I am.

Yeah.

We call the restaurant.

You know, we pull in a favor and let me serve you guys for the night.

I will 100% do that.

There's no way.

Why?

I don't want that.

I won't fuck it up.

I want it to be In-N-Out.

You want to go to In-N-Out Burger?

No.

I want you to be you.

No, I'll be a character when I'm serving you guys. No, but I want you to have a suit.
This is better. You're a suit.
Like an agent. Bigger.
Wall Street. Wall Street.
No, like in the business. I produced.
You produce movies. So I'm a producer and I wear a suit.
You wear a suit. And you come to the table.
Yeah. And go and you say something very complimentary.

So I'm eating.

Let's just act it out.

Okay.

All right.

Are you enjoying your smorgasbord?

Yes.

Thank you.

So much smorgasbord. Yeah, it's such a good stroganoff here at this restaurant.

What is that stroganoff?

Is that Russian?

It's like a meaty noodle-y.

Excuse me.

I don't mean to interrupt.

How good is the stroganoff at this place?

Oh, it's really good.

Yeah.

All right, have a good night.

That's not what I want.

Oh, no, that's not what I want.

That's absolutely not what I want.

Okay, hold on.

That's absolutely not what I want.

Okay, hold on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt you guys.

I'm sorry.

Wow, you have beautiful eyes.

Oh, thank you.

What?

Wow.

That's your reaction?

Sorry, I'm a big producer.

You've got to do something about it.

I'm a big producer in Hollywood.

Oh, you are?

What do you have to produce Narnia blah blah blah oh wow I don't want to get in blah blah blah blah blah Narnia blah blah blah yeah I just I mean well blah blah blah is this et cetera that's a new no no we have a film blah blah blah coming out oh right Jordan Peele blah blah blah oh blah blah blah yeah we kind of stay in line with these vague titles that he's doing we really like it you know like nope and you know what I mean yeah I get it blah blah blah, blah coming out. Oh, right.
Jordan Peele, blah, blah, blah. Oh, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, we kind of stay in line with these vague titles that he's doing.

We really like it. Yeah, yeah.

You know, like,

Nope and,

you know what I mean?

Yeah, I get it.

Blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

Anyway,

so I just wanted to tell you,

I think you are such a talented

actor and comedian.

Oh, thank you.

And I just,

and what is that smell?

You smell so good.

What is your name?

I'm Juicy.

No, Lady.

Wait, what is my name? Lady, pick a name. Oh, my name? I'm Juicy.
No, Lady. Wait, what is my name? Lady.
Pick a name. I'm Cynthia.
Oh, Cynthia. Cynthia.
Cynthia. I got to be honest with you.
I'm sorry. I want to get back to you, but I just...
God, you are stunning. Beautiful.
Are you sure you're not just smelling the stroking off? No, I'm smelling something different. I am smelling stroganoff.
Yeah. Anyway, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I am an actress.
You are? As well, yeah. Oh, wow.
Sorry. Cynthia, what about that? Back to me.
And this is what he was talking about eating pussy. You made it about you again.
Let it be about her. I feel like this executive is trying to get this pussy, though.
No, he's not. I feel the energy go toward you.
Cynthia, do you feel that? First of all, he's being polite. Stop.
Don't break the fucking. All right.
Cynthia. Cynthia, what's your last name? Cynthia.
Why do you have to look at the ceiling? She's on the spectrum. Oh, she is.
She's on the spectrum. I noticed that.
She always look at the ceiling when she has to say something Oh what's your last name again? Chang

Oh Cynthia Chang

It is?

Your name is Cynthia Chang?

Yeah

I'm divorced

I haven't changed my name back

Oh

Asian fetish

Got it

I'm Asian

That's all she dates

I like it

Yeah

So I just want to let you know

I'm a huge producer in Hollywood

Thank you

And we have a role

Anyway

We have a role for you

In blah blah blah

You do?

Yes but unfortunately

We're going to have to have you

Thank you. We have a role for you in Blah Blah Blah.
You do? Yes, but unfortunately, we're going to have to have you leave the dinner right now and go to set. There is the role right now.
They're shooting right now. Right now.
Yeah. No negotiation.
I don't know. What am I getting paid? What? Free? No.
Oh. I mean, I just assumed a guy like you would get a million dollars a role I'm in well goodbye Cynthia you see for that Bobby yeah fuck Cynthia wait no no good luck I'll give you money I go alright yeah yeah oh as your friend I feel like Cynthia Chang is that your last name again yes I feel like Cynthia Chang would know.
I would look at her and go, listen, I'm so sorry. Rain check.
I'll pay for the dinner. I'm going to do blah, blah, blah.
Who's in blah, blah, blah? Jordan Peele. No, who's directing? Jordan's directing.
It would be weird that Jordan wouldn't call me. Adam Scott is the star.
I love him. Right? And what am I playing? Adam Scott's fuck toy.
Cynthia, bye-bye. Let's go.
Oh, fuck toy? Fuck yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's, how the dinner really will go.
That's not how it's gonna go. You'll be on a dinner date and I'll walk up and I'll go, excuse me, sorry to interrupt.
I'm a massive Hollywood producer. Okay, that's weird to open that way.
Sure it is, but I can say that because I'm super rich and famous. Okay, what's your name? Borgelson.
Hey, Borgelson. Borgelson.
Borgelson. Borgelson.
It's not that hard. Borgelson.
Correct. Hello.
Thank you. And I got to tell you, I've been wanting to work with you for so long.
Thank you. I can't get a hold of your team.
Really? I've been calling and calling and calling. That's odd, Borg Olsen.
Why would it be? That's weird, I mean, Borg Olsen. Okay, but I try to get a hold of your team.
And for some reason, I cannot get a hold of them. Okay.
So I want you to be a part of this thing with me, Randall. I need you in it.
Randall? Wait what? What? What?

Yeah.

Randall?

Do you go by Randy?

Oh excuse me I'm sorry Cynthia?

Yeah.

Sir I'm sorry.

What's it?

No I'm sorry.

No it's a common mistake.

I think you think I'm Randall Park?

You're not Randall Park?

No.

Oh my god.

Wait.

Okay.

You're not Randall Park? Wait. You think I'm Randall Park, Cynthia? I thought.
Yeah. I'm Bobby Lee.
Oh, gross. No.
Uh-oh, hot dog. Oh, yeah.
No, I do want to put you in. Yeah.
You don't know my skill set? Oh, hot dog guy.

By the way.

Yeah, yeah.

Her mistaking you as well.

Fantastic.

Juicy.

Let me just do this.

I'm serious.

Let me talk to a restaurant.

We'll shoot it.

And we won't do anything rude or fucked up.

But let me be a server.

And you'll never reveal that this is shot.

And then we'll have to air it at one point.

So we'll have to tell her that this is a prank. That's fine.
It's not really a prank. There is no joke.
Because she will definitely not know me. Let me go up and get your autograph.
So good. Can we do this, please? Okay.
Please. Okay.
It'll be so much fucking fun. It's going to backfire.
I can feel it, but let's do it. In what regard? Because if I'm on a date, and I don't know, and characters come up, right? And I'm like, I'm cool.
It sounds fun. I know.
It does fun. Right.
And no one tells me. Right.
And then a month later, I see it online. Check it out.
We're never going to make her look bad. Never.
Ever. I'm never going to say anything negative towards her.
It's just going to be goofy, funny stuff to see how she reacts. And by by the way this is a testament to how cool she is as a chick if she's down with you and knows you're gonna be a comedian for the rest of your fucking life you're gonna be surrounded by weird strange people can I tell her afterwards that night of course you can never tell her she has to see it herself she has to see herself no no you can of course you can tell her afterwards but I mean it would be so fun to see how she reacts if a server comes up and starts rattling off bullshit and then a fan comes up you know what I mean okay let's do it you'll hide your cameras yeah they're gonna shoot it on iPhones and I'm gonna be mic'd up and we'll put a mic at the table I'll be mic'd you need to be to be mic'd, and we'll have the mic at the table for her.
He didn't come around. We can do it.
We can do it. We can do it.
We can do it. We can do it.
Oh, my God. It's going to be great.
And then we have Moses come up and be like, hey, man, I just want to thank you for all those tips you gave me on eating pussy. Oh, that's good, too.
That's what I'm saying. We should just cast the characters.
Right. And by the way, at the end of it all, if she's like, fuck this, I didn't like that, we don't have to air it.
Yeah, but then she's done with me. Okay.
That's fine. That's a price I'm willing to pay.
That's right. Okay.
That's right, Cynthia Chang. Right.
By the way, if she's not cool enough to go along with something so monotonous, how is she going to date a fuck you? Because- Do you know who you are? I know, but if there's a camera, I'm going to be acting. Don't act.
No, I would have to say funny things. Well, do it then things we'll do it then yeah yeah but i mean that's your nature you're gonna say funny things on a date with her anyway do you are you not funny on dates yeah i don't lie but if there's a camera i'd say ridiculous things like yeah i do naked skydiving in the weekends and and what would she say she'd say well i want to go home i don't like that i go no we're going now we're going now.
Skydiving naked? Yeah. Strap me up.

You put on a strap on.

She puts on a strap on.

Fucks you.

Yeah.

That's tandem.

Wait a minute.

Are you not funny on dates?

Not really.

You're not like sweetening?

I'm cute.

You're cute.

Yeah.

Like, what does that mean?

Like, give me a-

Like, I'll do twitches.

What?

What does that mean?

Oh, like, you have a-

Yeah, like, I do things to make me seem eccentric. Eccentric.
Eccentric. Eccentric.
what what does that mean oh like you have yeah like I

I do things

to make me seem

eccentric

eccentric

eccentric

eccentric

eccentric

eccentric

eccentric

eccentric

Borgelson

Borgelson

so wait a minute

what do you do

you do things

what do you say

I'll go like

do a little weird

oh my god

we have a different

definition of what

cute is yeah and then they'll go what is that I have twitches is that what you really do yeah I do another thing where I'll step away from the table yeah like she'll say something and I'll think it's shocking and I'll walk away if she's like she'll say something like I don't know much about the Beatles. And I'll go, and I'll walk away.

And I'll do like a little shake.

You know what I mean?

And come back.

And come back.

That's actually kind of funny.

That's cute.

I do cute things like that, right?

How about when it comes to time to pay the bill?

Oh, I tell them beforehand that you'll never pay.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

See, I think you should slide them the bill and see what they do.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

I think, see, I think that's fun. No, that's not cute.
You slide them the bill and see what they do no no no no I think see that's I think that's fun I don't know that's not cute you slide in the bill and then you go really I think it's funny just to see how they react yeah or you know what you should do is you go pull out a card and go do you want to do you want and then they'll think you're going to split it you're like do you want to go one quarter me oh my god the dread of it one quarter me want three quarters you yeah because you did eat a lot more but then I would have to go all the way then. So I'll go like this.
I go, you get this, right? And I know I picked you up, but you found your ride home? You got your own ride home? What do you think of that? You know what you should ask? I dare you to ask. Be like, can I have five bucks for gas? Gas has gotten out of control.
Just throw me a five for gas, please. Yeah.
It's not that big of a deal. Okay.
Or you know what you should, or how about this? Or you about this? God, I would love to do all this stuff if I was the server. Yeah.
If the server has no... I would have no idea who you are.
I'm not a fan because I don't want to do a fan thing. I'm just being that annoying server.
I'm like, can I get you guys something to drink? And then does the girl get a drink when she's on a date with you? Yeah. I let them.
I explained to them. It doesn't freak me out.
If you want to drink, you can drink. Right.
You don't. Right.
I want to make them feel comfortable. So I would say, ma'am, what would you like? What kind of drink would you like? I'll have whiskey on the rocks.
Oh, whiskey, wonderful. I'll make it a double.
A double. Can I also get a Long Island iced tea? Oh, two drinks at once? Yeah.
Sounds good. I like to chase the whiskey down.
Smart. Sir, to drink? Diet Coke.
Oh, do you not want anything to drink? No you sober yes oh you are yeah you gotta get rid of this sober fucking loser i'll be right back i'll be right back how about if i have a contract what is it i go um in the middle of the dinner i go oh by the way i forgot to do this in the beginning. I have a contract.
Like an NDA. I pull it out.

That's so funny.

And it's got weird shit on it.

But you know what it has to be?

It has to be like a scroll.

Yeah, it's like a scroll.

Yeah, you have to have a scroll.

Oh, how about like a Dead Sea Scroll?

Yeah.

So it looks old.

Yeah.

Can you get old paper?

Papyrus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Papyrus.

He knows where to get it.

Like you've shown thousands of women this NDA.

It's got to have one of those things.

You know how you roll the roller thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And just go, just sign anywhere. Right, so I have to write, and it's got to be one of those things.
You know how you wrote the roller thing? Yeah. Yeah.
And just go, just sign anywhere.

Right.

So I have to write.

And it's got to be in like it's.

Feather pen.

Feather pen.

You have a.

But it's like something like blood writing.

Yeah, it's red.

It's red.

It's red.

Yeah.

Right.

And you're like, don't worry, it's my blood, but it's old.

To whom it may concern.

No, just sign your name.

No, no, no.

It's got to have all the things on it, though.

Yeah.

Oh, well, it's going to say.

Yeah.

What is it going to say?

I can no longer. I cannot.
I can never again speak of this incident for the rest of my life, for the rest of my natural born life. My natural born life.
So they can't talk about you ever again. Right.
You have to do the ancient moon ritual, Korean style. Oh.
On the 23rd of every month. And then she has to ask me about that, probably.
That's good. And also, you should get one of those thumbprint things.
Like, get a little ink for... Make her put a thumbprint on there.
What are those people that... The notary guy? That's what a notary...
Yeah. Yeah, we have to have a notary guy there.
That's great, right? You play the notary guy? I'll be the notary. Right, so I have a notary guy, right? And you do the thumb thing, right? Your thumb.
This is good. This is good, right? This is really good.
Really good, right? The third line is what? The third line of the contract? Yeah, it is, yeah. You have to, well, you have to have sex.
You have to have sex with Bobby Lee. Something like that.
That's fucked up. Yeah, we can't just make them sign yes to having sex with you.
Right. Yeah, that seems bad.
How about in parentheses optional? I might have sex.

Check yes for might have sex with Bob.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You might have and then have a yes and no thing.

Correct.

Aw.

Oh, no.

Like kindergarten, it just says, would you want to ever have sex with me?

Circle one, yes or no.

Do you want to bang bang?

Do you want to bang bang?

Yeah, yeah.

Yes or no.

Yes or no.

Yeah, yeah.

And she circles.

Parentheses optional.

No, no, no.

It's either yes or no. Okay.
Or maybe. No, Or maybe.
Or maybe. Or maybe.
Or probably. Right.
No, you know what? It should be the scale of one to five, how they do strongly disagree, strongly agree. Right.
Can I bring my trumpet? And go. Oh, that guy is so brilliant.
We got to shoot this. We got to shoot this date.
And here's the deal. Right, right.
I have a buddy. Yeah.
Who has buddy who has a place A restaurant where they have like a private Room one of those like you know Like a And it's perfect we can put it in a private room because you'll tell her it's special But this way she won't be embarrassed because it won't be in front of other people Right and then we need a dwarf I'm gonna call Brad Williams Right know what? What? Let's get Brad Williams a red wig to look like me.

And then in one scene, I'll go,

oh, I forgot your green beans.

And then I leave and he brings back the green beans.

Right.

Wearing the exact same thing I'm wearing.

Right.

And we don't talk about it.

I come in sometimes, he comes in sometimes.

That's awesome.

So we have to establish your name first

so I can call him the same thing.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, you'll go, like I'll say my name's...

Jing.

Jing.

My name's Jing.

Yeah, yeah. And then I drop stuff off and you'll deliberately go, say your name and I go, oh, Jing.
Sorry, I should have introduced you. Right.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, you'll go, like I'll say my name's- Jing. Jing.
My name's Jing. Yeah, yeah.
And then I drop stuff off and you'll deliberately go, say your name. And I go, oh, Jing.
Sorry, I should have interrupted you. Right.
And then when he comes in, go, sorry, say your name again. Brad comes in and he goes, Jing.
I should already know. You just call him Jing naturally.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it.
To confuse her. You would just go, are you the same waiter? You probably wouldn't remember the waiter's name.
Okay, whatever. I'll figure that out later.
We're doing this. You got to find a girl who has no idea about the podcast, doesn't really like the comedy world, and we got to do it.
And I'll call up my buddy. We'll put Fancy to work.
Okay, we'll do it. I'm so excited to do this.
I'm so excited too. But I'm also a little nervous for you.
I'm nervous too. Why? Just don't I know it's going to be different for you It's going to be hard No if it's for the cameras And for a bit I'll do it That's right Because if it's not It's even harder That's weird I would never do it for If it's not recorded Oh can I just say I did something the other night And I feel so bad about it Yes I love this And I feel so bad And I think he's mad at me So Jeremiah Watkins Was on before me in the OR and he had a camera set up.
Right? And while he was on stage I just stood in front of the camera. Back or face, Freddie? What? Back or face, Freddie? I just stared at it.
You stared into the lens? In the lens. And then at one point I moved it for a while.
It's great. Facing the wall.
Very funny. And then he says goodnight.
I put it back in place and then I went up on stage and I can I call him? yes yeah let's see if he knows knows what happened alright because he reviewed the tape you know Jeremiah reviewed it the moment he got home that's so funny yeah and all the doorman everyone was laughing why do you think he's mad he didn't say anything to you yet did he text you? No Well then how would you know He's fucking upset? Let's just see I mean I think My money's on He's bummed Yo yo Yeah the other night When you were recording Did you see the tape? Yeah you messed with My freaking footage dude Are you mad? I'm not thrilled about it dude Really? I was trying to Tape a set man Are you mad though? I'm not I'm not thrilled about it, dude. Really? I was trying to tape a set, man.
Are you mad, though? I'm not thrilled with you, man. You're not thrilled? I'm not thrilled.
It wasn't funny at all in any way? I mean, you know, in a Bobby way where I'm like, oh, Bobby. So you saw me? So what did I do on the tape? I stared in it? You showed him, like, your nipples and stuff.
Oh, yeah, I showed him my nipples. That's right.
I showed him my nipples. And then what else happened? Yeah.
And I was like, oh, okay. Classic comedy.
I get it. It's funnier than what I'm doing on stage.
And then I moved the camera for a bit. Well, that's what pissed me off is the moving of the camera.
That lens is like giant on that thing. Yeah.
I was worried like while you're moving. I was like, is he about to drop this camera?

Oh, right, right, right.

So there is a little anger.

Dude, you know I have a dormant anger within me, yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, well.

Because I talked to Saul at the cover booth, and he goes, yeah, I told Bobby to do that.

I go, oh, you're both on my list now, then.

Oh, I'm on your list.

I'm on your list. Interesting.

How about this, pal?

I'll double down.

What do you mean you'll double down?

I'm going to double down.

I'm going to tell you something.

I'm going to tell you. Anytime

you set up a camera at the comedy store,

there'll be mischief.

What if I'm trying to get a freaking

tape, dude? You don't need tape, man.

You should submit that one with Bobby.

Okay.

So, I dare you.

You dare me to freaking

what, dude? Set up a camera.

Set up a camera.

Are we reopening up another war, dude?

Yeah, dude, I'll have a war deal with you.

Alright? I dare you. Set up a camera.
You're not going to see, dude, I'll have a war deal with you. All right?

I dare you.

Set up a camera.

You're not going to see a set.

I'll tell you that right now.

Dude, you're going to force me to have somebody sit with the camera?

Oh, my God.

Bobby's starting a war, dude. I love starting wars.

That's crazy.

War, war, war, war, war.

Bobby is starting a war with Jeremiah.

I love starting a war.

Because he was butthurt.

He was upset.

And it was funny.

It was funny.

Yeah.

Because I could see if he was doing a late night spot.

He's doing Jimmy Kimmel.

Yeah.

And I walk in front of the camera there.

Maybe he is.

I mean, that'd be hilarious.

That'd be hilarious.

That would be so funny.

If I call Jimmy, I go, I know Jeremiah has a late night spot.

And walk in front of the camera.

Thank you. he is.
I mean, that'd be hilarious. That'd be hilarious.
That would be so funny. If I call Jimmy, I go,

I know Jeremiah has a latest spot. And walk in front of the camera.

And then can I just walk in front of the camera? It would crush.

It would crush, by the way. It would be insane.

It would be insane. Did he say he had a set for something?

Yeah. Oh, he's filming for

taping? To tape? Yeah, and he has to

do it again, I think. Well, yeah, you ruined it.

I'm gonna call. I need to know where

his spots are.

All you have to do is call. You know who to call.
I need to know where his spots are. All you have to do is

you know who to call.

I'm going to call

and I'm going to see.

You want to do some?

Please do some.

I just like supporting

this beef between you.

Yeah, yeah.

I think this is very funny.

It's so fun to do.

You looked in the camera?

I looked right in the camera

for about two, three minutes

and I did a couple of dances.

So he...

Oh, and also the people

in the back,

the audience members were laughing and he thought that he was... They were laughing because of him crushing.
Yes, so mean. But they were really laughing because I was being really funny back there.
All right, well, we know what we're doing now. Yeah, yeah.
We're setting up a fun date for you, and we're continuing this war between you and Jeremiah. What do you guys think? Yeah.
I think we're in. I knew he was upset.
Yeah, I could tell. He definitely...
He had that... No, no, it's fine, but it's's fine but it's not fine it's not fine no I love it well let's see where this fucking Watkins Lee beef goes yeah I'm excited that's a good dish by the way at my local Watkins Lee beef it's pretty good Watkins Lee beef I want to say this to the fans before we go we're working on the tour for next year we're working very hard also we're going to probably do a couple more bad friends live at the store before we do.
We're working on the tour for next year. We're working very hard.
Also, we're going to probably do a couple more

Bad Friends live

at the store

before we do that.

We're figuring out dates

and all that stuff.

So, in the meantime,

we love you.

We've also got

Christmas merch coming up.

Holiday merch

is going to be coming

very soon.

Let's say goodbye

at the same time.

Thank you for being