Korean Elvis & Andrew Dahmer

You two are bad friends.

These two are idiots.

You two are Asian.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Welcome to the spooktacular

Bad Friends Halloween.

Halloween.

You gotta put Asian's code. Welcome to Bad Friends Halloween episode! Everyone say they are Bobby Go I am Jeffrey Dahmer One of his victims The Filipino guy he ate No I'm Elvis Presley How you doing? This guy over here is my good friend Elvis Presley How you doing? Dad why don't you eat one of the sandwiches I made for you? That's real.

That's really good.

What does he say?

That's just some fish I cooked earlier.

That's why it smells over there.

It's not because of young black men's bodies rotting in the fridge.

Yeah.

It stinks because I let some meat go bad.

So good. I really messed it up this time, huh, Dad? Yeah.
Oh, Dad, I'm in a real stinker now. It's so good.
It's so good. He would kill someone and they'd go, I made a real stinker this time, Pop.
I'm in a real conundrum. Someone's like, Jeffrey, you severed his head.
Yeah. Jiminy Crickets, I never knew it was going to come to this.
Yeah. I'm Jeffrey D, baby.
And let's throw it to the girls. What's up? What are you supposed to be? I'm Mother Teresa, Asian Filipino version who likes to also kill people and maybe spank babies.
Oh, that one. Everyone's favorite Asian Filipino guy who loves to kill people and spank babies.
Oh, that one. Oh, everyone's favorite Asian Filipino nun

who loves to kill people and spank babies.

And spank the babies.

I remember from the stories.

I read about that when I was a kid.

Yeah, me too.

It should be terrifying.

What part of the world are you from again?

Yeah.

Persia.

From Persia.

From Persia.

So you're an Asian Filipino nun

who loves to kill people and spank babies from?

What part of Persia?

Quantanilea. Quantanilea Bay.
Quantanilio Bay. Cuba Persia.
I remember the stories. And what are you supposed to be? I'm a sick dog.
Say it again. I'm a sick dog.
A sick dog. A sick dog.
What does a sick dog sound like? Like this. I don't know.
Dogs can't talk, but I'm... No, they go...
Do we... That's what they do? Yeah.
When the cone is because you're sick or because you just got spayed or neutered? Yeah, they took my pussy out. Does that happen? Yes.
They rip the pussy right right out I thought it was on their penises

They rip it right out

The vagina out

For what purpose?

Why not?

There's still a hole there

It's a bigger hole

It's a deeper hole

That's what they call it

She got deeper holes

Also bigger dicks

Yeah exactly

They do it for the bigger dog dicks

Of course

Like a little

Like a Yorkshire Terrier

If she wants to fuck a pit bull They probably get that operation I didn't think of it like that And who loves pit bulls? Black guys And what do they have? You eat them Your character eats them Sometimes I eat a couple of black guys It's not my fault Their skin is beautiful When I saw that show Is that racism? Oh yeah it is He loves black people No, does that show, is that racism? Mm-mm. Oh, yeah, it is.

He loves black people.

No, that's not.

We don't interpret it that way, though.

I do.

I know.

You love something, you eat it.

But think of it this way, though.

I love black guys.

I just want to eat their body.

Go ahead.

Jeffrey, let me ask you a question.

I'll answer any question possible.

Okay, so check it out. Yeah.
So basically, it's in the 90s you did this. Sure.
Yeah. Did you listen to Nirvana or did you like the music? Yeah, I mean, In Bloom is a great song.
Never mind. Okay, in the 90s, listen to me, okay in the 90s in wisconsin what there was like four

filipinos dude you ate one filipino that's basically wiping half the fucking filipino fucking population it's actually a quarter if you do the quarter right so how is that not racism because i'm i basically i'm showing praise for how much i love those jungle asians right right But why didn't you eat whites?

They're not my flavor.

Oh, they don't taste good. Yeah.
Imagine like this. What's your least favorite food? Mine? Yeah.
Meatloaf. White people are meatloaf to me.
Oh, that's true. And you like filet mignon.
And black people are basically filet mignon. Right.
What about the Filipino guy? Well, just a little something spicy. Right, a little spicy.
You need to shake it off. You ever had balut? Yeah, I've had balut, yeah.
That's basically Filipino guys. Oh.
Yeah. That's great.
Honestly, I don't think he was racist. I think he was a piece of shit.
Oh, no, that. But I think he really loved black guys.
Oh. Yeah.
That's great. Honestly, I don't think he was racist.
I think he was a piece of shit. But I think he really loved black guys.
He thought they were beautiful. He killed him because he was bad head.
Bad mind. He's a legend.
He's a hall of famer. He's a pioneer.
What? No, he is. Are we talking about Steve Jobs or Jeffrey Dahmer? He Dahmer.
He's a legend, pioneer, right?

Yeah.

And he also is somebody that opened the doors for other serial killers, right? Yes, yeah. My point is that I'm giving him props, right? Thank you.
Right? In terms of the serial killer world, if there was like a Hall of Fame, you walked in, you'd go, oh, there's the Jeffrey Dahmer section. Oh, he's for sure in the Hall of Fame.
Right. Yeah.
Right. But the racism, I could accept the eating and the cannibalism.
Okay. The racism, I draw the line there.
He would be canceled today. He'd be canceled today, but just because they don't allow cannibalism anymore.
No. It used to be cool, man.
All right. No, but you know what? How is it racist? It'd be racist if he never ate black people.
Then he'd be like, I don't like the taste of black people.

That'd be racist.

Right.

Instead, he was like, they're so beautiful.

I want to rub their soft chocolate skin.

He was obsessed.

It could be, you know, I hate them so much.

I got to eat them.

No, because he didn't do it to whites.

Did he eat any whites?

Bring up the list of people that Jeffrey Dahmer ate.

He had to have eaten a white or two.

I know.

And he found out that he didn't like the taste.

But we're talking about Wisconsin.

If we were talking about, you know what I mean, South Central.

Milwaukee.

There's more blacks, obviously.

Milwaukee is way more diverse than you think.

At the 90s, there can't be a lot of fucking minorities.

You're wrong.

You actually don't know what you're talking about.

Milwaukee is very diverse.

It is?

Okay, my bad.

Milwaukee has a very big black community.

Isn't all meat taste the same?

We're gonna find out today. No, no, no.
Lamb doesn't taste like deer. That's a specific question.
Deer doesn't taste like fucking. Doesn't all human meat taste the same? Yeah.
No. You don't taste the same as me.
Yeah, yeah. I'm more pure.
But we're the same inside. No, we're not.
That's what they tell you in school. No, it's your, here's the thing.
The air you breathe, the food you eat, it all affects the meat. That's right.
The stress, you seem very stressful, Jules. Okay, look at the list of names.
Zoom in. Stephen Hicks, white.
Curtis Strotter, could go both ways. Richard Guerrero, non-white.
Mexican. Jeremy Weinberger, that's my agent.
White, that's white, yeah. Jeremy Dox, Jamie Doxtar, white.
Ricky Beeks, white. No, no, no, Jamie Doxtatator? Doxtatator.
Doxtatator's black. Dictator, Doxtatator, white guy.
All right. Ricky Beeks, white guy.
Oliver Lacey, white guy. Errol Lindsay.
What about Conorac, Cynthia Fafone? Okay, Smithsonian Fafone is definitely Filipino. Ernest Miller, white.
Tony Hughes, maybe could be black. Joseph Bradyhoft, white guy.
Matt Turner. We don't know.
Yeah, we don't know. It's too bad.
Anthony Sears, again. Black.
No, black. David Thomas.
Black. That's white guy.
No, no Tom Dave Thomas says Wendy's his owner

he was white

yeah but the C fucks it up

David C Thomas

yeah you gave the C

David Cripp Thomas

yeah

Edward White Smith

W Smith

white

no when they threw the W in

no but it's Edward White Smith

you're right

okay I'll give you that

I'll give you that

I'll give you that

alright so the dominant

amount of these names

seem to be white guys

yeah but you're just

making assumptions

so the documentary was racist

because they only showed

the black murders

I get what you that. All right, so the dominant amount of these names seem to be white guys.
Yeah, but you're just making assumptions.

So the documentary was racist because they only showed the black murders.

I get what you're saying.

Okay.

Okay.

Quite frankly, I like men of all shapes, sizes, and colors.

Yeah.

I was actually offended the documentary only showed me attacking black people.

I attacked everybody.

Now, if you went to the Serial Killer Hall of Fame, where would you be more excited to go? Ooh, John Wayne Gacy. That'd be fun.
The clown makeup. Do you think they still have it? Yeah, they probably have it.
I would look up the brand. That's the only clown makeup I'm going to use.
What, right? I would look at the brand and go, that's the best brand. Look at that.
Is that Clairol? Look at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think I have this. His artwork.
Oh, how much is that painting? Well, how much is a John Wayne Gacy? Oh, my God. So expensive Well how much is a John Wayne Gacy Oh my god So expensive How much is a John Wayne Gacy Yeah yeah Honestly how much Let's go to auction Better than George W.
Bush's In terms of the price I don't know Watch John Wayne Gacy Expensive How much How much are these paintings worth Yeah Look at that one Pretty good How much is it A thousand dollars That's it You can buy that right now I could buy that now Let's buy John Wayne Gacy paintings For the studio Yeah. Look at that one.
Pretty good. How much is it? A thousand dollars.
That's it? You can buy that right now.

I could buy that now. Let's buy

John Wayne Gacy paintings for the studio.

Yeah. Too scary.

But the money doesn't go to him. He's dead.

It goes to his kids and they need the money.

He needs a better art dealer I think.

Should we deal art for him?

Are these prints or are these originals? There's no way these are originals.

That seems like a print.

Yeah they're prints. Original.
What if we got into the business of selling serial killer art? That'd be cool. Bobby and Andrew.
Or artifacts even. Well, yeah.
I have one of Ed Gein's lampshades and he used the skin. You know what I mean? I would probably charge 100 grand for it.
At least. Dude, this is Ed Gein's.
He's Ed Gein Yeah. This is Lamp Skin.
Lamp Skin. Yeah.
Didn't he do that? Yes. Yeah, take the skin.
Yeah. And made Lamp Shade.
And then when he turned on the light, did he say, I'm going to turn on the light, or did he say, I'm going to turn on Stephanie? Juicy, are you having a hard time with that kennel over your head? You can take the kennel off.

I feel like I'm going to throw up, but I might eat it after.

Take the kennel off.

What did that painting say?

What did that painting say?

10,000.

Dude, 10,000, dude.

That's it.

Let's buy it.

That's it.

We got to buy it.

Let's buy it.

Does she need help taking us off?

Let's get some music put to this.

Her taking it off.

Great.

Now you're free.

Put that closer to your face.

Lower it down so we can see your dog face

oh and you went to go

lick yourself

oh that's good

scoot it down for her

hold on

oh yeah

very good set tonight

thank you

so we just did a

bad friends

live at the comedy store

we're doing a tour next year

we're gonna announce the dates

at some point

Juicy was on it

killed it Juicy was on it. Killed it.

Killed it.

Killed it.

Yeah.

And where were you, Jules?

Get the mic again.

I was sleeping.

Sleeping.

She's sleeping.

Yeah.

And you know, when I'm out of town. I invited her.
What? I invited her. You invited her? You bought her? You bit her? I invited her.
I invited her. It's never going to get old with me with this guy's accent.
I invited her. You've been here for 25 years.
Invite. Say vite.
Vite. No, not fight.
Vite with a V. Vite.
There it is. Bite.
I invited her. I invited her.
And what did she say when you invited her to the live show she said I'll show up to bad friends later wow yeah do you feel like you're above us now no yeah I just feel like sleep is more important than your relationship with your Tito's. Yeah.
Okay, so backstage. Wow.

Who was backstage tonight? You,

me, Ari Shafir. Ari Maness.

Who Kanye does not like.

Also. So him and me and Ari

Maness, you saw. I saw the whole thing.

We had it out. And Santino

came in after and we filled him in.

I heard. Yeah.
Well, you jerked

off to his girlfriend. Yeah, with his penis.
With his penis. Well, you didn't use his penis, but.
Well. I saw it though.
His penis was in the footage. But in a way, you jerked off with his penis to his girlfriend.
In a weird way. Because when you're watching a porn.
You imagine that. You imagine that's your penis.
Yeah. So I was using, you know what I mean? He was my penis.
What did you say to him? I just basically said, it's not right. And I think I was mean.
Your comedy career didn't take off. Yeah.
Yeah, he said that. He said that.
Yeah, he said you were mean. He already came in really sad.
I was really mean. And then when you left, I was a little bit more mean.
I called him a willow tree. I said, you're a willow tree.
And he goes, what does that mean? I said, I like them, but God, are they fucking miserable. Yeah, yeah.
You know? I wish I could have came up with that. But I mean, he's a lovely human and we love him.
And look, I love him forever. It's just jealousy.
I told him it was jealousy. Well, you're jealous that he's a bigger cock than you and it looks nice.
It's better all around. And I'm just jealous, that's all.
I can admit that as a man, right? That's okay, yeah. Yeah.
I mean, have you seen it? Mm-hmm. Yeah.
You think yours is better? Yeah yours is better yeah okay i get it no a guy's got a nice pipe yeah yeah guy's got a nice pipe it's nice yours is pretty good though i got a nice pipe too daddy's got a nice pipe too but this is not about pipe you see my pipe oh yeah yeah oh yeah excellent and by the way for everyone that's coming to the Bad Friends Tour next year. No, no.
Don't be a dick. Good pipe.
Pretty good. Pretty good.
For my type? For your size. Thank you.
For your shape, really. Okay.
You know how they teach kids shapes when they have to put the octagon thing in the box, the octagon? Yeah. They should also have a Bobby Lee one.
They should have a square, a triangle, a circle, an octagon, a Bobby Lee.

It's like a bowling pin.

Right, right.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They should throw a Bobby Lee in there.

You're a shape.

Let's move on.

You're a unique shape.

Let's move on.

I want to hear more about this.

If you were a shape, what shape would you be?

Oh.

I would be an figure eight.

Ooh, infinity.

An infinity sign. Infinity sign, yeah.
But a vertical infinity sign. Exactly.
What would you be, Juice? Oh, my God. You're really putting me on the spot here.
That's the whole show. I think I'd be a heart.
Oh. See, and you did it.
You knocked it out of the park. You pretended like, I don't know what I'm gonna say I'm gonna have a heart You knew I needed time to think

Yeah what would you be?

Can it be a cross?

Ooh

Yeah that's a shape

That's a good shape

That's a shape

What shape are you?

You know what shape I am

I don't know

Just go ahead and say it

Fire

Is that a shape?

It can be

Like a fire emoji?

Yeah

Okay

I meant more traditional

Like a

What could be

It could be a cookie cutter

What could be a cookie cutter

Something out of a

Fire could be cookie cutter

I'll take it

Thank you. that fire emoji yeah okay i meant more traditional of like it like what could be it could be a cookie cutter what could be a cookie cutter something fire could be cookie cutter i'll take it oh i know what is it i was giving you a free joke go ahead what is it gingerbread man yeah gingerbread man oh that's the joke well yeah come on i mean you know yeah what else looks like i mean what am i it's his whole brand it's my whole thing come on yeah i don't see you as a redhead i am though I know but I don't see you as one What do you see me as? A tall Your best friend What?

A friend, but a tall... A friend? A friend tall...
Your best friend. You wouldn't buy best friends.
A tall, handsome comic. Not really.
Who's very talented. Come on.
What, are you going to make me blush? No. That's what I see you.
I don't see the red. Look, if you were black, I'd probably kill you and eat you right now.
You had to go there.

But you're not.

I appreciate you saying that.

I love you.

By the way.

So I have a dilemma.

Oh.

So I was.

Girls?

It's a girl dilemma.

I think you know about it.

What?

So I was on Hinge.

Ooh.

You ask them on Hinge or they ask you?

Is that the one?

Yeah.

Well, they like me. The girl likes you and then you get to respond.
Then I go, I like you too. Got it.
So I like this girl and there was a photo, I don't want to get into it, but there was a photo of, you know the story? She's doing something in the photo where I can go, oh, I can Google her. She's doing something in the photo where I know I can Google her.
She's in the business. Like that she has some sort of like fame.
Like bacon? She's in the business.

She's not in the business.

She has fame.

But you know, the first photo was normal.

Something like that.

Yeah.

The second one was like.

She's a musician.

Right?

I put the thing in the photo where I go.

She's somebody.

She's a musician.

Put the name in.

And there was articles about her stabbing her boyfriend.

A mugshot.

Is this the woman that killed her boyfriend recently?

I don't know.

The guy survived.

Are you sure? Yeah, because I read all the articles through.

Is it up to date?

Yeah, it's pretty up to date. I think he died.

But she messaged me.

What did she say? I'm down to kill you? No, she goes,

Oh my God, I can't believe you're Bobby Lee. Whatever.

And I'm thinking about, why not?

I'll tell you literally why not. Tell me why.
She stabbed the last guy she was with. I know, but what did he do? I'm not going to do the same thing.
That's true. Right? What if she finds new things to stab guys over? That's true.
Yeah, you could do something else. I just feel like it's a part of her behavior.
Stabby culture? Yeah. Yeah, and do you want to be under that? But don't you think that that's like an extra like excitement in terms of like will i get stabbed today no oh no will i get stabbed today yeah yeah the when i wake up in the morning yeah the one thing i find relief in the fact that the partner that i have and have lived with is that she won't fucking stab me that's the number one thing on my mind yeah you know what she ain't gonna stab me oh that is that what it is Yeah.
Yeah what it is? Yeah So let's get you with a girl who definitely will not stab you at all But she's really pretty Give her a try You never know right? Yeah you gotta give her a try And if I hear Baby? What is that? Nothing Creepy crawly skeletons Bum bum bum bum bum But let me tell you something Yeah Outside of that Your dating online has been great It's been okay It's been great You've been calling me You're telling me You know what I noticed What did I say to you When you walked in the comedy store tonight What did I say You look like you what Unload You look like you've been unloading You look like you're less tense You look like you've been having stuff come out of you And you look like you're loose and light You were light on stage tonight You were real light It's gravy What? Oh, your spunk is gravy? It's like thick, chunky gravy Is it brown? Yeah Oh boy We'd have to get that checked out, I think The biscuits kind A biscuit kind? So you have biscuit You have sausage gravy Well, you know how sometimes gravy And it has like chunks in it like sausage and stuff? Gravy on my face. It looks just like that.
Sausage gravy on my face. It's great.
And they just she has a chew on it. What? Yuck.
Yeah, and that's gross. Is it cream corn? By the way.
It's thick. It's unusually thick.
That's the honest truth. Creamed corn? Yeah.
Is that cream corn? Is that Bobby? Yeah. That's a Bobby special.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit of cream corn?

Yeah, yeah.

Does that make you gross?

Well, you're talking about wanting to get more ladies, and then you present this.

Yeah, but it's also a comedy. No, no, she's right, though.

It is?

Yeah.

Because here's the deal.

Just because it's a comedy show, you could still fish for some pooms.

Oh, can I then ask me again?

Well, do it as Elvis.

That's better already.

Hey, Elvis.

Elvis, what do you find? Elvis, what kind of girl are you looking for? Love me tender. Hey, how you doing? That was really good.
Really good. Keep going.
Do it again. How you doing? Well, just sing.
What? Love me tender. Love me do.
Bro, you could legit be Asian Elvis.

I'm not even, dude, honestly.

Don't get my hopes up.

It was one of my dreams.

Don't build me up.

I'm being 100% serious right now.

When we do Bad Friends Live,

you have to come out as Asian Elvis.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I hate doing it.

Every show on the tour.

Give me another song.

But when you do Love Me Tender,

you have to say,

Love me tender.

Oh, yeah.

Let me do it again.

Go ahead, Asian Elvis.

Go ahead.

Love me tender. Oh yeah, let me do it again.
Go ahead, Asian Elvis, go ahead. Rub me tender.
Rub me tender. It's really good.
How is this not? It's a thing. This is incredible.
Give me another song then. Jailhouse Rock.
Sing a little bit. Just to dance into the jailhouse rock.
Dance into the jailhouse rock. Oh, the J.R.R.
Rock. I can't help falling in love.
I can't help falling in love. Farring.
Farring. Farring in love with you.
Oh my god. Oh my god.
We can't go on together. Oh yeah yeah yeah.
We can't go on together. No.
You're doing Down Syndrome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Down Syndrome.
I'm doing Down Syndrome again. Do Elvis.
You're right. You're right.
Because if you want to do Asian Down Syndrome, Elvis, I am into that. I do love that.
Yeah. Well, I could do both.
It gives it a different level of complexity. I know.
Yeah, yeah. But stick to just Asian Elvis.
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All right. Sing the song again? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Do it again.
Do it again. Do it again.
Do it again. Wait.
What are we doing? Suspicious? Yeah. We can't go on together.
We can't go on together. With suspicious minds.
We can't go on together. You still go on? Yeah, you're right.
You can't go on together. Yes.
With suspicious minds. Pretty good? I took the Down syndrome out.
This is so good. It's so good, right? I'm not kidding.
You think I can have my own movie maybe? What? Live show? I'm writing one right now in my head. Right.
Who would play the colonel?

The guy from Doctor Strange.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He'd be perfect.

Oh, my God.

And who would play Priscilla?

Priscilla.

Yeah, who would it be?

Awkwafina.

Awkwafina.

Awkwafina.

Call her up.

I'll call her up.

Do it.

It'd be great.

But what's the story?

Is he from Memphis or is he from Tokyo? He's from this place called Memphis, Japan? Oh, yeah. He's from Memphis, Japan.
Memphis, Japan. Yeah.
That's great. Yeah.
Show him Memphis, Japan. And you're from Memphis, Japan.
And what's your story? Who found you? The snowman. The what? The snowman.
The snowman. What does that mean? I don't know.
Yeah. What does that mean? The colonel.
The colonel. Oh, they call them snowmen.
My bad. Look, Memphis, Japan has a festival, by the way.
Oh, that's great. So check this out.
You know how they say Elvis stole music from black people? In your version, a black person found you in Memphis, Japan and brought you back to the United States. Yeah.
Can my character have a pet Godzilla? I would ruin it. How about this? I fly on Mothra.
I just feel like it needs to have that. Okay.
We're going to check with some of the producers. Hey everybody.
Elvis here. Say hi to Mothra, right? And Mothra's like...
Right? That'd be cool, right? Yeah. Right now, I get on the...
Bye-bye! Right? And I just fly off to the... That'd be a cool ending.
I do think this is a good idea. Are you going to produce it? I will.
Let me put it in the room. I will.
Yeah, yeah. I will.
But honestly, I don't know if we're going to get it financed. We might have to self-finance this one.
We got to incorporate Nagasaki and Hiroshima a little bit. Oh, interesting.
Here's the deal. You grew up.
You grew up in one of those places. Right, Nagasaki.
Asian Elvis grew up in Nagasaki. Right.
And you got out right before the bomb. Because it's in the 60s, right? It's the 50s.
Yeah, well.

Because Elvis happened in the 50s, right?

Late 50s.

But the 40s is when it happened.

Right.

So it's 10 years after Nagasaki.

There's still radiation.

That's why you can still have Mothra in it.

You know what happened?

Right.

A southern guy was visiting Japan.

Here we go.

He was in Nagasaki.

At the time, coincidentally.

The bomb goes off.identally the bomb goes off

he was thrust

into your body

a little Asian

a regular little Asian man

who could sing

on the streets

who would sing in Japanese

you boom

hit each other so hard

well you know how

sometimes a guy

gets into an accident

and he opens up

a part of his brain

that he never knew he had

a southern man

boom

smashes into a little Asian boy

who was singing in the streets

can it be like

more like

there's a southern guy there

right

I'm an Asian boy

right

that's exactly what I said

I know but

what you're saying

is that our bodies collide

can it be more like, there's a southern guy there, right? I'm an Asian boy, right? That's exactly what I said. I know, but what you're saying is that our bodies collide.
Can it be more like his ghost goes into my mouth? Potato, potato, I feel like. Potato, potato, I feel like.
Well, you're saying that you're going to fuse two humans together. Oh, maybe the bomb does that.
The bomb? I just said that. My bad, my bad.
I have to question it. I said the bomb.
All right. And then when he comes to it comes to it goes I'm all shook up I'm all shook up I'm all shook up I'm all shook up I'm all shook up why do I have to teach you how to do this I'm sorry teaching me I know I I just got the role I just got the room just figuring it out I'm all shook up I'm all shook up and then his leg starts dancing yeah you.
And then his legs start standing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you have no idea.

What is going on?

Right?

But it's just twitching

from radiation.

And for some reason,

you think that the women

are screaming because

they have radiation,

but they're really screaming

because of my legs.

They're like,

ah!

Don't worry.

No, no.

Your legs.

Okay.

You know what I mean?

Okay, good.

I'm a Ola Shukapa.

I'm a Shukapa. No! No! Yeah legs.
Okay. You know what I mean? Okay, good.
I have all the sugar. I have all the sugar.

No.

No.

Yeah.

Right.

And then how do I...

Right.

So how do I rise?

By the way.

What?

What do you mean?

How do you rise?

To fame?

No, no.

Check it out.

Check it out.

I'm checking it out.

So who was Hank Williams?

Who was the guy that he opened with in the beginning?

Oh, I think...

Yeah, it was some Hank Williams.

Was it Hank Williams?

It was some... Maybe it was.
Maybe it was. Hank Williams.
I'm just trying to get you a part, dude. That's all I'm trying to do, dude.
So do I open up for you? Yeah, but you're Japanese Hank Williams. Oh.
Very good, dude. Give me any of his songs, Hank Williams.
Give me one song that he sung. I don't know any of his songs.
Very good, dude. So I open up for you.
But that's funny. I think you should always go, oh.
That's your thing before you say everything. When I come out on stage, ladies and gentlemen, Hank Williams.
But you're not Hank. Yo, Hank-u.
Say Hank with a U. Hank-u.
Hank-u. William.
William. Yeah, yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, Hank-u-williams.o William Yeah yeah And go ahead Hey good rookie What you got a cookie Do you have Something for me And I come in I do a duet with you How about this During During Mrs. Mines I bring you back on stage.
Got it. Right? And we harmonize.
We harmonize? Yes. We harmonize.
One, two, three. Wait, what's the line again? It's we can't go on again.
Living suspicious minds. One, two, three.
Slow it down though. Slow it down.
One, two, three. We can't go on again.
Hold on. Hold on.
Hold funny hold on alright wait let's get the tone right where are you at we we find it we we we we can't go on together. In suspicious mind.

In a suspicious mind.

I'm sorry.

It's so good.

You're telling me a record label's not going to fucking sign us after this?

It makes me laugh so hard.

I don't know why.

What else did he sing?

You're a cheating hog.

By the way.

And then my character can go, hey, you did a cheating hog real good tonight. Oh, thanks.
Yeah, yeah. No, no, no.
I don't say that. What do I say? Say it again? Yeah.
Oh, Hanko, you did cheating my real good tonight. Oh.
That's it. That's it.
That's it. That's it.
He just says, oh. Yeah, yeah.
We could do shirts. Wow, now you're sticking with it.
No, merch. Oh.
Americans, everyone will know what that is. Well, because, oh, that's relatable.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do we get these chicks into it? How do you guys get into it? How do you guys in the show? Yeah, yeah.
Maybe the pointer, did the pointer scissors have anything to do with it? You gotta go a little bit further back You gotta go further back You guys could be Billie Holiday Why don't we do that? Biri Haraday Yeah Biri Haraday Why can't you Biri Haraday? Ella Fitzgerald Ella Fitzgerald Who is Ella Fitzgerald By the way we're both still white guys They've suddenly become black women You're Beery Haraday and you're Ella Fitzgerald Yeah yeah So you guys gotta sing Cheek to Cheek This is the scene where we meet them For the first time So they have Right? So they have to do their own, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey.

Hey. Hey, Bruce.

I'm sorry.

I'm Eric.

This is Hanko.

Oh.

Right.

What's your name?

I'm Eric for sure.

It feels wrong.

Yeah, yeah.

Do the accent.

Go thick.

Go thicker.

And you?

You?

I'm Burry Horaday.

Fury.

Fury. We love your music.
We love your music We love it Thank you Jules' version of doing it Is just for putting her teeth on her left cheek Thank you Because she's doing the buck teeth I get it I love it Buck teeth is great I love it Look if this doesn't get picked up by a record label I we've done in our career. What else have we done in our career that could be this good? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then, like, you know, Mothra will be in it. That's not good.
Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy. Yeah, and it'll be great.
Oh, my God, by the way. Yeah.
I wanted to tell you because I wanted to call you after I watched the Vatican, the little girl that gets kidnapped out of the Vatican. What? Don't say Vatican and just do that.
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You have to watch this.
There's a little girl that gets kidnapped out of the Vatican. There is a story that's on Netflix right now about a little.
Have you guys seen it? Carlos, have you seen it? I've seen it. Emmanuel Orlandi.
Emanuela Orlandi. 1968.
Orlandi. No, no.
She was born. She was kidnapped in 1983.
Uh-huh. And she went missing.
She walked outside of the the walls of the Vatican and she went completely missing. And it's the whole thing about how it's really inside.
The Vatican actually had her kidnapped on the outside of the Vatican. Dude.
And what happened? I can't tell you. I don't know.
You don't know? Did they find her? Did that move, dude? Oh, my God. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
What? What? Is that moving? It's moving. It's fucking moving.
No! Fancy? Is that a trick that you're doing? Be real. Fancy! That's George.
Wait, that physical skeleton is George? Yes. Oh, Okay.
Oh, wow. That makes me feel a little bit better.

A little bit better.

Knowing he's gone.

That was really scary, dude.

That actually scared the shit out of me.

Yeah, you scream, no.

You know what we haven't done in a long time

and we should do on the show now?

What?

Is tell our ghost stories.

Which ones?

You got any new ghost stories, by the way?

I don't have any new ones.

I got one.

Tell me.

I got a very new ghost story

that just happened not too long ago.

Oh.

Oh, it works? Wait a minute. Wait a minute What do they do? Boo-boo Wait a minute What do they do? If you see a ghost in the Philippines You just spit on it? You know To be To be prepared You just Like when you go in the forest You just spit everywhere So you Before you go into a fucking forest You go Are you ready? You have to spit? Wait a minute.
Yeah, I got to spit. You got to spit.
Are ghosts scared of spit? I don't know. That's what my grandma told me.
Yeah, they're wrong. Your grandma was wrong.
Yeah. Wait, do that.
Crucifix. Crucifix is good.
Crucifix is good. Right, right.
Holy water. Holy water.
Yeah, those are pretty good. The Bible, maybe.
The Bible. Yeah, spit.
heard of that. Spit.
Did your grandmother chew tobacco? No. You must spit when you go to.
Yeah. I was just chewing.
And you say tabit, tabit. What is that? Ribbit, ribbit.
Is that communicating with a frog in Filipino? Ribbit, ribbit. Tabit, tabit.
Tabit, tabit means away, away. And then.
Wait, is that how you do it? Does everybody do it like that? Or or do you really spit um some people do but you can just no chogi wouldn't you chogi pete's looked up there is literally nothing on the internet that validates what you just said your family is the only one your family that does that no everyone does that in my village it's not on the internet because it's a village your village is just just your family There's no one that in my village. It's not on the internet.
Because it's a village. Your village is just your family.
No. There's no one else in your village.
No. No.
Okay, Filipino blood spitting ritual? You guys are fucking weird, man. That's weird.
Oh, there's blood involved? No. That would make sense.
You have to cut your mouth and then spit blood? That would make more sense. Yeah.
There is literally nothing on the internet that says anything about spitting at ghosts. Your family made this up, told the whole village.
But it worked! Nothing happened. Or there was no ghost in the first place.
No, to be valid for her. You were never attacked by a ghost.
All the Filipino ghosts have wet faces. Is that what it is? Always like this.

I can't stare like this.

They're all wiping,

wiping spit away.

Is that a real thing, really?

Yeah.

Would you do that

to an American ghost?

No, I don't think.

What would you do

for an American?

Like if a ghost

entered your room

at my house,

what would you do?

Yeah, you're sleeping

in the middle of the night, Jules.

An American ghost comes in.

So white? No, he has a... American.
He could be a ghost. Yeah, American's a broad name.
He's got his passport with him. You know he's American.
Yeah, he's a citizen for sure. He's here.
He's not you, that's for sure. Yeah.
He's an American citizen, baby. So what would you do? I don't know.
Maybe just pray. Pray.
All right. Say the prayer.

Pray's a good one.

Go.

Easy.

Come in.

Okay.

Here comes the American ghost right now.

Do you have a 401k?

How's your retirement fund?

Lord, have mercy.

I love Jesus Christ.

You've accepted him as your Lord and Savior.

I can do the liquid. The holy.
You don't know what it is? It's holy water. Holy water.
Are you squirting on me? Yeah. Yeah, don't you just go away? No, I love squirting.
I'm a cock. Oh, yeah, spit on me, bitch.
Spit on me. What would you do? If a ghost came in my room? Yeah, a ghost is in your room right now.
Ready? Juicy. Well, I don't believe in ghosts.
But I'm here, Jet Ski. What do you know? What will you do now? I'm going to turn on N just like that and turn the volume up really loud.
Wait a minute. Is that the guy from Magnum P.I.? I love him.
Didn't he once do a show about a Korean Elvis that never took off? But he was from Memphis, Tokyo, Japan. He did.
He's great.

Hey, you're kind of messing up the signal here.

Anyway, you're pretty chill, Juicy.

Still not acknowledging you.

Okay, peace out.

Wow, she handled that really well.

How about you, Fancy?

Ooh, Fancy.

I've come to visit you in the middle of the night.

You're not going to understand anything I say.

I'm from INS, Fancy.

Look at Fancy's neck.

Like, if you didn't see his face.

It's a fucking woman. It's a woman, yeah.

I thought the exact same thing.

Dude, the fucking curves on it.

It's so funny.

So, by the way, we haven't even introduced Carlos.

Let's get up there.

We have the three witches in studio tonight.

Look at these babes. Wow.
Woo-wee, woo-wee. And fancy, I got to tell you something.
Everyone take your hat, put it above your face. Put it just in front of your face so the camera can't see your face.
Just leave just your neck. Just your neck, Pete.
Okay, Pete, let's rank Pete's neck. Let's rank necks.
I got to tell you, Pete's got a nice-

Rosie O'Donnell.

That's Rosie O'Donnell's neck, right?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, move to the side real fast.

Carlos, come block your face and put just your neck.

Oh, my God.

It's beautiful.

It's a beautiful neck.

You know what it looks like?

What?

Gina Davis.

Yes, Gina Davis' neck. Beautiful.
All right, and then fancy. Keep it down in front of your face a little bit more dude that's like um i'm not i'm not kidding i'm not kidding when i say this it's beautiful it's stunning i would fuck the neck i would fuck your neck fancy you know whose neck you look like right now what thank you the girl the the the uh evan rachel wood put your put a cover your fucking face that's evan rachel wood that was in queen's gambit what's her name oh uh taylor joy yes anna taylor joy that's what it is Oh my god Cover your fucking face that's evan rachel the girl that was in queen's gambit what's her name oh uh taylor joy

yes anna taylor joy that's what it is that oh my god oh my cover your fucking face i don't want to repeat ptsd with that phrase wait why why everybody says cover your face oh fancy that was your parents that's not every i mean it's everybody to you that whenever fancy tries a joke i get it And I like it, but boy, oh boy, is it done poorly.

It bombs.

It bombs.

It hurts.

Because. Whenever Fancy tries a joke I get it And I like it But boy oh boy Is it done poorly It bombs It bombs It hurts Because I can hear his brain going Say to them Right right He thinks about it before See the key is Don't think about it before you say it Say it Don't question it Look at this show Just say it Don't think about it Just say it And if it doesn't work doesn't work.
You do have a beautiful little neck It's a beautiful neck dead and and and and no, can I just say something also? We went to the Philippines together. Yes, your hips He's got such cute.
Your hips are fancy. You're cute.
It's the cutest little hips you've ever seen you saw them in the Philippines Oh, yeah Because I was like we shooting something. From the car.
He saw it from the car. No.
I swear to God, this is not even a fucking joke, dude. I was sitting there, you know what I mean, because we were shooting and I looked to your right because I always see where you're at, where you're at, because he was the director.
I was the thing. And I looked at your side profile and you were doing this thing where you were doing a shuffle.
I swear to God, there was music playing. It was a shuffle.
And I just gravitated. There's a show going on.
I'm gravitating to his hip, and I'm like, wow, that's nice. So genuinely? Genuinely, I go, his neck and his hips.
If all the other parts were legit. His neck, his hips, his His cock and his dick.
Is that a song? I'm going to find another thing for cock, but yeah. Yeah, yeah.
That's nice. My neck.
But it's pretty good, dude. My hips.
My teeth and my dick. He has nice teeth.
Yeah. I got to tell you, don't smile like that ever again.
Holy shit. We're going to lose the audience.
He's in this. You imagine his school pictures? They were like, oh, that's it.
Stop it. In Chicago, did you trick or treat? Yeah, of course.
Was there any like, because back when I was doing it, we would like, you would check for like, would you eat an apple? No, and you know, the moment that i would see a house that was giving out apples we would immediately go to someone's friend's house that we knew yeah grab eggs and egg that house oh really without immediately yeah immediately the people that give out fruit yeah i'm egg in your house yeah and by the way kids out there i shouldn't you shouldn't be watching the show a b yeah if someone gives you fruit fruit or something like that, immediately go to the grocery store and egg the fuck out of their house. There was a house by my house, they gave up money.
Chinese? No, there were white people. Dimes.
Oh, dimes. I went back like 10 times.
That was cool. I got a buck.
What did your family give out So for some reason I feel like your mom Gave out good candy No we No No We turned the lights off What No my parents No we would I know You would pretend Stay down Stay down Like it was a stakeout No like We didn't want any shadows Or anyone to know That we were there Your dad has a gun gun. He's like, here, come on down.
Yeah.

Everything was off.

Stay down.

I remember he'd go, stay down, stay down.

But did you trick or treat?

We would go and come home and still stay down.

No way. Yeah.

And I would bring back candy, right?

He's like, oh, that's good.

That's good.

You know what I mean?

Eat, but stay down.

Because we have nothing.

Really?

We have nothing.

Is that why we don't have Halloween designs in the house?

That's right.

No, no, we don't do it.

Yeah, that's right.

You don't have any Halloween decorations up?

You don't decorate?

No, not at all.

I decorate.

You should.

I do.

Wait, wait, wait.

First of all, can I just say that we talked today?

Yeah.

Right?

And then you Zoomed me.

I Zoomed you?

You FaceTimed me.

Oh, on accident.

Did you really?

Yeah, my-

Because how do you FaceTime somebody with your cheek?

It happens when you're talking on the phone, and then sometimes you're FaceTime. It does.
done it. It does.
Yeah, because the FaceTime symbol is down there. I've done it.
And then I FaceTimed her. You answered.
And then you wouldn't show me your house. Why? It was in my bedroom.
So I go, let me look at your decor and she wouldn't do it. It's literally my bedroom and you're like my boss.
That's a place that you're not allowed is in her bedroom. That seems a fair bound There was like cobwebs Like let me get to 10 episodes And then I'll show you around Yeah Oh 10 episodes 10 episodes I'll give you a big tour Okay I like that But also Shame on you For not decorating your house Do you decorate yours? Of course You do not Bet me a thousand dollars I already owe you a thousand You do owe me decorate yours? Of course.
You do not. Bet me $1,000.
I already owe you $1,000. You do owe me $1,000.
Of course I decorate you. Why do I owe you $1,000? Fancy will pull it up.
Yeah, you lost the sober October. Yeah, you lost sober October.
The porn. The no nut October.
You did not? I told you. I did after you told me.
Through porn though? No, I did not. You haven't since? No, yes, since, but the bet's over but the bet's over Yeah you lost of course I did again Yeah but he still wants to know The moment that you told me it was done I think I brought a porn on the car I did it that night The night we bet Oh I know you did And I forgot I was like oh fuck I think I lost As you're coming Of course I decorate my house Do you know why Why? Because when I was a kid, and air.
And I forgot. I was like, oh, fuck, I think I lost.
As you're coming, I go, Andrew. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course I decorate my house. Do you know why? Why? Because when I was a kid and we go trick-or-treating and you'd go past houses that weren't decorated and you knew those people in the neighborhood like I'd seen them as a kid, it bummed me out.
I'm like, what's your deal, dude? It's not for me. I decorate for the kids.
Okay, here's what we'll do, Jules. It's for them.
We're not going to do any cobwebs or skeletons, but here's what we'll do. We'll have candy.
We'll keep the lights on. We'll get fancy candy.
Bro. I don't want to...
But you need to let them... Decorations are a lighthouse, a beacon for kids to say, we do have candy.
So what you have to do is you have to at least get one thing that says, we are Halloween, come to the door. Otherwise, they won't't come they won't come to the door unless there's something there that go like go take this home and put this outside take take some of this halloween stuff that we have here and decorate the house what day is it sunday yeah is it sunday i'll do it might have a week today today today is halloween oh today is yeah let's go to the cvs can we go to cvs and get it don't Don't ask me.
Ask her. Let's go.
Yeah. It's your responsibility.
You should really do it. Let's do it.
What? Yeah. What about us? Not just me.
But do something, bro. I know.
You're right. For kids.
Yeah, you're right. For the kids.
You're absolutely correct. You ever decorated for Halloween? In the Philippines, we didn't.
You got to do it. In the Philippines, don't they kick a dog on Halloween? What do you guys do on Halloween again? Do they have Halloween in the Philippines? Some rich areas do.
Yeah. And then some, no.
Because even if we ask. There's some areas that are so poor.
In the poor areas, they eat the wrappers of Canada. Like, you go get wrappers and you just eat.
In the rich areas, they're passing out balut. Yeah.
Balut. They have balut eggs.
It's also, when's your birthday? November 9th It's gonna be my 21st Let's get her drunk Let's get you shit faced Oh my god Can we do that? I don't know So how drunk have you been in your life? Really drunk Like passed out

Like vomiting

I don't want to hear that

As one of your parents

I don't want to hear that as a Tito

But if we did

For your 21st

We got you a little drunk

That'd be fine?

She can get annihilatedly drunk

When she's with us

I don't want her out in the

I'll drive you

Home

I'll drive you

I don't want you driving her

I'm sober She'll be You'll be texting She drunk. You'll die.
You'll both die. What? Let me drive both of you.
Oh, you can drive both of us. Thank you.
For some reason. Just because you'll be looking at her laughing.
Yeah, you're right. So I need you.
You guys can be in the backseat together. You can be laughing at her, and I'll be driving.
How was Jeselnik? We want to say that

we feel like we made Jessie

juicy and now she's opening

for other comedians.

I'll tell you what happened to Anthony Jeselnik's show with her.

Fucking Kanye West went there.

Kanye West was at her show.

The weirdest part about

the whole thing is the staff

didn't tell us until the next day.

Wait, so Kanye came to your show? Late night Friday right where not for jesson what town for me no no for what town for what town uh this was in oxnard in oxnard yeah oxnard oxnard and he came to the second show yeah saw it and then never said hi and left yeah we didn't know about it until Saturday. The opener, Kelly Ryan, she went up to the sound guy to get a tape.
And he goes, yeah, I got your tape. By the way, did you know Kanye was here yesterday? Wow.
And so she told us. And so we were like, why wouldn't the staff tell us? I don't like it when they tell.
Is this made up? Would you rather know or not know? When it's Kanye, I want to know. Don't you think they would mention it? No.
When it's Kanye, I'd want to know. Even the next day? Sometimes they do it at the comedy store.
They're like, you know who's here? And they mention him like, I don't fucking give a shit. All right.
But when it's Kanye, I definitely want to know because I want to go up to him and be like, brother, we share the same views. I get it.
I see, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But then he went on an interview and talked about how much he loved the show. Yeah.
He went on Lex Friedman's show and talked about loving Anthony Jeselnik, and he mentioned him by name. That's incredible.
It makes me sick. Why? Because Anthony Jeselnik's Jewish.
He is. No, he's not.
He's not? Oh, fuck. I don't know.
No, no. I'm just jealous that he went.
That's awesome. But are you? Well, we were kind of like- You don't want Kanye to see you? Yeah, but he's on some controversies going on.
He's being a bad boy right now. Okay, that's right.
But also, I want him to see me to come. That's true.
Yeah, that's true. That's a huge name.
It's huge. That's the biggest, yeah.
Who's like- Well, when I remember what happened to me in Miami- What? Where I burned the bridge with Gloria Estefan. Oh, yeah, it was Gloria Estefan.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you guys know this story?

No, I don't know this story.

Have we told this on this show?

No.

Tell it.

So I was at the Miami Improv.

Don't make fun of me.

Okay.

And I was in the green room.

And the fucking manager goes, you can't believe it was in the audience.

I go, who?

He goes, Gloria Estefan.

I go, I don't know nothing.

I don't know who that fucked that, you know what I mean?

It's a Miami Mama machine.

What's it, a Miami Mama machine?

Miami Mama machine?

What's it called Miami mom machine Miami mama machine What's it called Miami What I don't know what you're talking about Gloria Estefan Miami something machines Sound machine Oh the Miami sound machine I thought you were saying mommies I don't know I never forgot That's how little Gloria. He's like, Gloria.
I'm a mess. He goes, Gloria Estefan, Miami.
Gloria. It's late.
Gloria Estefan, Miami Sound Machines. Yes.
Okay, thank you. Yeah.
Right. And I go, oh, yeah.
Is she big? He's like, she's at the time, like 15 years ago. Nobody's bigger.
No one's bigger in Miami bigger in Miami She's massive Right So I'm on stage And I don't know What came over me I go I thought I was bombing And I go Hey ladies and gentlemen Big surprise Right And the audience goes What And I go We have a big celebrity In the audience And they put a spotlight Under her And they go Gloria Edabon and she kind of does this weird wave and people are like Edabon right and after the set she just got out of there yes yeah and I think about that moment pretty much once a week for the rest of my life well you should because that's it's insane. It's embarrassing.
Well, did she pay for a ticket?

Yeah, she did.

It'd be funny if she had a comp.

She was like, I had a comp.

Yeah, it was so bad.

It's fine.

It's in the past.

Is she the biggest person that's ever been to a show of yours?

Tarantino, has he seen you at the store? Yes, Tori, yeah.

But he wasn't there.

Oh, no, I know who.

Francis Ford Coppola.

He was in the OR once.

But I'm saying, who went to go see you?

Who's the biggest person?

No one.

Gloria Esteban.

Just to see you.

Yeah, that's it.

Gloria Esteban came to see you.

That's the only celebrity that's come to see me in any show I've ever done.

That's wild.

Isn't that wild?

You know who loves Gloria Esteban?

Who?

Gloria Esteban.

Shut the fuck up.

We'll say it how we want, you fucking immigrant.

You know who loves Gloria Esteban? Who? Fancy. Do you really love her? It's a woman.
Love her. 75 million records sold.
Oh, my God. That's so embarrassing.
That's more than anybody that's ever going to come to your show. It's so embarrassing.
I've never had anybody huge come to my... Not one person.
Catherine O'Hara. That's huge.
Yeah. Oh, my.
I would fucking be so excited. I lost my mind mind do you guys know who that is no yeah I'm a massive massive fan oh my she's one of the greatest she's on Schitt's Creek but oh I know her yeah but for us she's a legend but for us she's a legend she's been in legend yeah yeah yeah yeah so she was the mom in Home Alone in Beetlejuice the reason reason that I fell in love with her was Christopher Guest.

Yeah.

Right?

That's how I first saw her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I did a mini role on a Christopher Guest HBO show and someone at the improv was like,

I think Catherine Haran is here to see you.

No.

She was friends with Chris and I guess he had said, you ought to see this guy.

This guy is funny.

Wow.

I don't even know.

Did you hang out with her at all?

Oh, no. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I went up. I did my spot.
I went and sat back down by the booth. And she had left in my getting off stage and left.
And I was like, oh, is she gone? And the guy was like, yeah, the moment you got off, she left. And I was like bummed.
I was like, damn, that sucks. And he was like, dude, she was laughing.
All of the staff, he's like, we were all looking at her. She was laughing the whole fucking time.
She was loving it. Wow.
But I never heard about it at all. Wow.
It was as if she talked to Christopher Guest and was like, I'm going to go watch him and just enjoy it. And that's it.
I kind of- When I was on Mad, we had Christopher Guest, Eugene Levy, and all those guys do what they would guest star. Unreal.
So I'd be around it, but they would never talk to me. Well.
I'd be in the same room rehearsing the same lines, but they would never say anything to me. I was always kind of apprehensive.
At the time, you were still the uh-oh hot dog guy. Don't say it like that, man.
Uh-oh hot dog. Don't say it like that.
Bring up the gift. No, don't do the uh-oh hot dog.
No, do all hot dog gif. Just look at the gif itself.
It circulates through the internet at least five times a day do you know how many times I see this jif uh oh hot dog that's you that's Bobby Lee do you not realize by the way you've probably been sent that jif yes that's your that's your tea test that's awesome you don't you don't know that that's him. These young kids are fucking idiots.

That's me.

Can I tell you something?

I've been looking at your hair the whole pod.

Yeah.

Why'd you put on a wig?

You have the exact same hair. Yeah, is it a wig or is it your hair?

You already have good Elvis hair.

I hate it because it's so scratchy too.

I know, for the whole time I was like,

you have better hair than Elvis head.

Look at how beautiful.

Let it out and let it roll.

Yeah, I will.

Do this in slow-mo, fancy?

Let it out and let it roll, baby. Take your time.
Now let it out and let it roll yeah i will do this in slow-mo fancy let it out and let it roll baby oh oh take your time now let it roll now let it roll give it to me we'll do it sexy yeah yeah yeah yes do it more do it more so we yeah yeah more yeah more do yeah like you just got out of a pool do you just got so put it in front of your face like come out of the desk oh Yeah, come out from under the desk. Go down.
So put it in front of your face.

Like, come out of the desk.

Yeah, come out from under the desk.

Put your hair in front of your face and then flip it backwards.

All right, ready?

Don't look at fucking me.

Why?

You're in the scene alone.

You're at the pool.

Sorry, my bad, my bad.

Can I give you the fucking scene?

Yeah, yeah.

So here's the deal. I don't want to do it again.
Shut up. I honestly don't want to do it again Shut up Do it one more time? Here's the deal I really don't want to do it again Can I set the tone? Alright, sorry, go ahead So you're a hot single You're a single mother Okay You're a single mother of three You're recently divorced Why do I do it? Can I be a man? No Alright You're a hot single mother of three You're recently divorced Okay Okay You got a fuckload of money in the divorce Yeah he was fucking his secretary typical story i don't i don't think they need let me fucking finish he's been fucking his secretary right you're a hot mother single mother of three now and you're a babe you don't find yourself attractive anymore but you are you really are you've been taking care of yourself a lot guess who comes over who pablo the pool boy and pablo play by who huh play by who fancy pablo the pool boy comes on over pablo the pool boy comes over and he's a hot babe right mega baby he's wearing a little speedo and

you get out of the pool and you want to show off to him ready and go you I'm going to tell you something once I didn't even think about it I just felt it I know I didn't even think about it I'm never going to say this again Please Turned on Turned me on Thank you Actually turned me on Thank you Thank you Actually got me Got my britches a little tight Yeah I just You know I just went with it You're a good. You're a good fucking actor.
Thank you, man. I was just like listening, but not.
And I was feeling it. What's a funny thing that got said to you tonight about, what did Ari Shavir say to you about your television appearances that made us laugh really, really hard? Yeah, what did he say? Something offensive.
He made fun of one show and complimented the other the exact same time. He goes, and just like that is terrible, but I love you on Reservation Dogs.
He goes, and just like that is a very bad show love reservation dogs yeah it was a perfect the way he did it was like it was perfect yeah but let me tell you something yeah i think they're both great television you're a great little thank you thanks so much and you always have been not the old hot dog. But if you leave me again and go to New York

to shoot that fucking show

and are not here for this, we're going to have some trouble. Yeah.
We're going to have a little spanky session. Well, I'll tell you something.
I have to do three more. Episodes? Yeah.
Fuck off. I do.
And just like that. And just like that, you're leaving again.
Yeah. But here's the thing.
I hadn't been home in a month and a half yeah right so i'm not gonna do that again i i honestly like dude i even doing the segura shows first of all can i say something yeah he's a huge star tom yeah tom segura love him did you ever think that though i knew interesting you guys didn't know it, it's because you see guys like... That's really interesting.
No, no, here's what... I love him like a brother.
What did you think when you went out there? But when you see even Jezelnik, right? Yeah. I hang out with Jezelnik.
You know what I mean? We go to dinner, right? He'll go, hey, come do my show. We'll hang out, right? Good friend, right? But then when I see him sell out San Jose Improv six shows in a row you're just gonna go oh yeah he's famous they're famous yeah but you don't think that when you're in a stadium 15 000 seats i open for him and you're just going what the fuck he's huge it's crazy it's it's it's amazing amazing and when we go on the road how much do we do do? 100? 250 seats.
It's going to be great. I think we'll do 5,000.
We're going to do 3 to 5s. 3 to 5s.
We'll see what happens. Well, 3 to 5s.
Some cities we're going to do much, much less. We're doing a run of the Deep South and in Alabama.
Yeah. We got a corporate.
I shouldn't say this, but I guess I can leak it. We're doing a corporate.
I'm not doing that.

No, no, no.

I'm not doing a corporate.

It's not about – why?

Because when you do a corporate show, they go, you can't show your dick.

You can't show – you can't –

Don't they not say that?

You can't show your body part.

You can't say these things.

Yeah.

And I'm not going to do that.

You have to dress like this.

Sometimes they do that.

You have to dress like this.

First of all, it's a company that we want to be in bed with very bad.

What do you think? And I'm not going to do that. You have to dress like this.
Sometimes they do that. You have to dress like this.
First of all, it's a company that we want to be in bed with very bad. What's it? It's the KKK.
Oh, yeah. I would love to do it.
We're doing the corporate. I love to do it.
We're doing the corporate. Yeah, yeah.
You're in. You're in.
You're opening and closing. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, there's three comics. You're two of the white ones have to go.
Yeah, you have to. You can't just have an Asian and a white guy.
white guy we sandwich him just so they forget about him you go up first then him then me then you again so they get a double dose of white at the end are one in the case for Korean yeah it's the Ku Korean clan if it's the Korean clan I'm in by the way when we do go down to the south I do do want you to go to where the KKK are and ask if you can get in.

Really?

I would love to do it.

See if you can get in.

Yeah.

I think they would let me in.

What's their process?

I don't know.

It's more your thing, but do I knock on a door?

It's my thing?

Well, you're white.

You would know more.

They never let me in.

But is there a door that I knock on, or do I just walk in?

Knock, knock, knock.

I feel like those people don't have a lot of doors.

Knock, knock, knock. Oh, hey, man don't have a lot of doors.
Knock, knock, knock.

Oh, hey, man.

Oh, hey, man.

Hey, man.

Hey, what's going on?

What's up?

Hey, did somebody order Chinese food?

Oh, no, that was a funny joke, man.

I don't think anybody ordered Chinese.

No, no, I'm not here to join the club.

Okay, okay, okay.

Can I join?

Did somebody have their dry cleaning done?

No, hey, check it out, bro.

Check it out.

Who needs their robe washed?

I hate Asians.

Me too.

Go on.

They're so yellow.

They're sneaky.

Tell me about it.

It's brighter than the sun, these people.

I know.

Aren't they not?

Are they not brighter than the sun?

You don't like them.

I don't like them either, man.

We don't like them either, man.

You know what they do? They put the MSG. Don't you hate it? Gives you a headache.
Headache. Gives you a headache, right? And I wake up puffy.
All puffy, right? You're swollen. They're pouring.
So aggressive. So gross.
Right? And the girl's crying. I don't like it.
Why is a Japanese girl crying? Help her, help her, help her. I don't like it.
Yeah, hood, hood, hood. Right? I want to put a stop to that.

So you want to be in the KKK?

Yeah.

Fuck karate.

Uh-huh.

Fuck kung fu.

Fuck taekwondo.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, whoa.

The gun.

We train jujitsu in this house.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Jujitsu's great because it's Brazilian.

Correct.

Brazilian jujitsu?

That's legit.

Brazilians we're fine with.

Brazilians we're legit with.

You know that's where Hitler hit out for a while.

I know. Argentina, whatever.
Brazil. Same, same, same.
I know Argentina whatever Brazil Same thing Same thing I don't like it You know what else I don't like Check it out Right Yeah And crazy rich The Squid Games Yeah Yeah Hate it We love that series Yeah Let me tell you why Yeah yeah why They all died that is great that's why we love that's great that's why we love and you know what we'll find the one guy that survived we'll find him and kill him I'll be the guy and by the way Crazy Rich Asians yeah we also enjoyed that movie very much why why Michelle Yeoh was very talented she's very talented be honest with you, some of the directorial choices were very wonderful.

Yeah, that's true.

I will compliment the DP.

That's true.

And I'll say some of those shots were fantastic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I saw some racking shots that I was impressive by, but when they would pull focus on some

of those scenes, it was better than I thought.

Yeah.

Anyway, let me ask you something.

I'm Bobby.

I'm a comedian, too.

Bobby?

Yeah, yeah.

Bobby Ray.

You can call me that. I'll change it.
Bobby Ray? You're a comic. I'm a comedian too Bobby Yeah yeah Bobby Ray You can call me that I'll change it Bobby Ray You're a comic I'm a comedian Tell me a joke funny man Oh What did the Korean say to the other Korean Go on Let's kill ourselves together Murder suicide Murder suicide Funny right I love it When.
Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.
That joke went flat. I haven't tried it yet.
Try again. Please don't make me try another one.
Tell me another joke. You want to get in? Tell me another joke.
A black, a Korean, and a Jew. My nightmare.
Right. That's your nightmare, right? It's scary.
Right? They walk into a bar In Germany In the 1940s Oh shit dog Right And the fucking bartender goes Welcome That's my German accent Okay sounds I'm not an impressionist You said you were a comedian right You know what I can do Oh hot dog Are you the old hot dog guy I'm the old hot dog Yeah It's a meme I'm pretty good Benny Lynn, it's a hot dog guy. It's a meme.
It's a fuck. I'm pretty good, right? Wait, take the hot dog and do this.
Do it for me now. Uh-oh, hot dog.
Ah! You! Shit! Get me in. Can I join? To the KKK? Yeah.
Okay. All right, man.
I'll do whatever job. Okay, KKK, you're in.
And you only have to do one thing. What do I need to do, man? Give me a big kiss.
We're not gay. Okay.
You gotta give me a big kiss. Tongue? Oh, yeah.
All right. When you do it, you gotta say, Daddy, daddy, you're my daddy.
Okay. Daddy, daddy, you're my daddy.
Let's say it like a little Asian boy. Da-da-da-da, you're my da-da.
Again. I have a script I want to pitch you.

What is it?

Asian Elvis.

Are you combining two?

There's a role of Hanku.

There's a role of Hanku.

You let me play Hank Williams

in a very popular classic.

Yeah.

The Asian Elvis from Memphis,

Tokyo, Japan. Yeah.
You've always wanted to fly a Mothra. Please! Yeah.
Thank you for being a bad friend. That was very good.
Yes, guys. Oh, dear.
Oh, dear. That's a song.
That's a song. That's a song.

This is a medium,

crowd medium, spinal kind of medium.

Let's do that medium.

There we go.

It's a large.

Look at the large hoodie.

A large hoodie.

And this is the 3XL hoodie.

Hey, thank you guys for being a bad friend.

Good luck. Thank you.