The Producers' Biggest Mistake

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Hey, bad friends.

I am going to be performing on New Year's Eve

and New Year's Eve Eve, the 30th and the 31st

at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, Massachusetts.

Boston, come on out and see me.

If you're in the area, come see me.

If you've got plans on New Year's Eve,

come out New Year's Eve Eve, 30th and 31st. AndrewSantino.com to get the tickets.
Boston, I can't wait to celebrate New Year's Eve and Eve Eve with you. andrewsantino.com Hey, you guys.
Obviously, we have merch. We got merch.
It's back. And these shirts have sold out and we made some more.
We made some more shirts for you guys. We restocked these favorite shirts.
This is me and Bobby close talking. We've talked about this before.
That's me and Bobby just talking real close. This is us as coffee mugs.
That's us as the mugs, baby. You guys liked them.
We sold out. We made a couple of more for you guys.
So you just go to badfriendsmerch.com or look down in the description below. We'll have the link to the shirts.
So go pick up some new merch at badfriendsmerch.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
All rise. Okay.
The Bad Friends Court is now in session. Honorable Judge Bobby Lee and Honorable Judge Andrew Santino presiding.
Please be seated. Be seated.
Be seated. I'm not Judge Ito? Judge Lee.
Judge Lee Ito. Judge Lee Ito.
And he's Andrew George Washington? Andrew George Washington. Please be seated.
Interesting, interesting. I'm just getting the character.
Interesting. Very good to be here.
Welcome to this court case.

I'm very excited and I'm going to do my due diligence and my oath to the office.

And I am going to really speculate and analyze.

And I'm going to contemplate all the ideas and the weight of it all. Really good to be here.
I'm Judge Ito. What is your name? Judge George Washington.
I have wooden teeth. That's all I know.
I don't know what he does, what he sounds like. Keep going.
Wonderful to be here, judging and presiding amongst this case.

Let's bring the defendant.

What is Ellen DeGeneres doing here?

Whoa, I didn't know we're doing voices.

She's the attorney.

For the man on trial, Carlos Herrera.

Please approach.

Interesting.

Very good.

Is that a bomb?

A bulletproof vest in case somebody decides to rat-a-tat-a-tat-a.

Are you the Unabomber?

What the fuck is going on here?

May I see the paperwork?

I have no idea. Put your hands on the Bible.

Do you solemnly swear to tell the whole truth, all of the truth, and nothing but the truth? So help you, God? I do. Are you Catholic? Yes.
God bless. Are you sure you're Catholic? Yes, I'm Catholic.
From your hairline, it looks... Jewish? I didn't say that.
Okay. Did I say that? Yeah.
The hairline seems... Do you have anything to say for yourself prior to starting any words for the judges just say you guys take empathy on me and go lightly on me death penalty next objection uh thank you we're in california i think you're You're going to have to see.
I don't think you can do a death penalty this lawyer is good thank you this lawyer is good the education DeVry Calamara College fighting artichokes okay Mr. Gener, Mr.
Generous. Mr.
Generous, your client is accused of mouth-fucking Bobby's ex. How do you plead? That's the trial.
Okay. How do you plead? Not guilty.
Well, interesting because we have- Footage. Footage, video proof of your Jewy lips.
May I say that? It doesn't seem... Can the court define how you're talking? Your greasy dewy lips.
Can you handle dewy lips for me? Can I handle it? I'm not saying it, but I can handle hearing it. What is your defense? My defense is I think the case is that Carlos is guilty and messing around with Kalilah.
Wait, are you? I thought you were my lawyer. He is a lawyer? Am I high right now? No.
Excuse me, are you the prosecutor or the defense attorney? I'm defending my client and saying he's not guilty in that he can mouth fuck whoever he wants. Oh.
Oh, I like that. I like that.
That's the case. Like James Bond, but for mouth fucking.
He has a license to kill, but license to mouth fuck. Yeah.
Interesting. 007 minutes in heaven.
May I see that certificate? My certificate for mouth fucking. He has a license to kill but license to mouthfuck Yeah Interesting May I see that certificate? My certificate for mouthfucking He has a license to mouthfuck anybody, correct? Mr.
DeGeneres That's the case Mr. DeGeneres, please show us the documentation May I see the license? I would like to get that license today in court.

We've registered.

She's filing for a license.

I'm filing for a license.

Interesting.

File denied.

Denied.

Objection.

Because, you know, it's been a year that he has been, you know what I mean?

You knew this court date was going to happen to you and today's the day you file? I found out about this an hour ago.

Wonderful. Wow.
What an attorney. What and today's the day you file? I found out about this an hour ago.
Wonderful.

Wow.

What an attorney.

What an attorney.

When did you graduate?

2008.

Oh, high school or college?

I'm sorry.

I'm in professional.

Elementary school.

What's in the briefcase?

What is in your case?

Oh, she's bringing out the good stuff.

Some documents should help her now.

Let's see. In my briefcase, nothing like the basis of this case.
Empty. Hollow.
Order. This is a waste of my client's time.
Thank you. Thank you.
Wow. Interesting.
So that's your opening statement. And that Carlos should be able to mouthfuck whoever he wants.
So, no, we have here, like, evidence against the accused. Do we have a prosecutor, though? Yeah.
Who is that? We are the prosecutor. So we brought Carlos into the Bad Friends family.
One second. We couldn't find an American person.
I have no idea why we did it this way. It's bad.
It's really bad really bad But look, we'll deport him when this is over I know, but there's an actual American That's the other Prosecutor Can he be the one Does he even know American laws? Whoa Order You fucking greasy I will control my client, I Thank you. The problem with the other guy is he doesn't speak English well.
It's bad. The fat one? Listen to what he says.
Go ahead. Listen to him for a second.
I don't do English good. See? Oh, I see.
It's just tough to listen to. It's difficult.
Go on, fancy boy. Well, I'm very disappointed on Carlos because we brought him into the Bad Friends family.
And he stole Bobby's girlfriend from him. And that's the reason they broke up.
And we have hard evidence that that's the case. And I want to present exhibit A to the court right now.
We'd love to see it. And this is started a year ago.

This is November 16th, 2021.

Screen's not on, so I don't know if we're going to show it. But man, this this prosecution is slacking real bad.

The prosecution is the team behind this podcast.

I really believe that.

The TV was off

Nothing's on

Maybe the funniest thing

I've ever seen

Alright here we go

Okay let's see the evidence

That you've brought into the court

Jesus

So just based on

Well I don't know

I'm not familiar with this podcast

But we have

To the left

Of their

It seems like a foreigner

In the white

It seems like an OnlyFans

Correct

Performer

Correct

Thank you. We have to the left of their, it seems like a foreigner.
In the white, it seems like an OnlyFans. Correct.
Performer? Correct. Is that a little girl? A child on the phone? No, to the left is a little girl.
Yeah, a child. A child.
The middle one is a... OnlyFans.
OnlyFans. And then we have a foreigner on top of, what's that on the ground? That's not me.
Quick to jump. Prosecutor, who's the person on his back? So Kalala is on top of Carlos.
How do we know that's Carlos? I mean, honestly, I really wouldn't be able to identify How do we have proof that that's Carlos? Well, let me go to exhibit V then. I'd like to motion to throw that out of court.
Well, it's thrown out now.

Admissible.

Because we have no idea.

Admissible. We really fucked up.

They might lose.

We might lose.

Well, a month later.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, no.

Okay.

This happened in Hawaii.

December 21st, 2021.

Got it.

What's happening here?

It seems as if there's a fan taking a picture with Kalilah.

That's Carlos.

You know what?

Thank you. 2021.
Got it. What's happening here? It seems as if there's a fan taking a picture with Kalilah.
That's Carlos. You know what? I do identify the...
I know the hat is deceiving. But if you look at that little strap at the hat? Got it.
And above that region? Yeah. Literally no hair.
I see that now. Yeah.
That's incredible. So is that you, Mr.
Herrera? I'll have my lawyer answer for me.

We're not, you're not cross-examining my witness right now, so.

We're not cross-examining, we're just asking you as a lawyer.

Oh, okay, I was asking if you were cross-examining.

No, no.

Just making sure.

First of all, we're the judge.

We can fucking do anything we want.

Yes, Your Honors. So, Mr uh you may mr generous okay thank you mr generous mr herrera is that you in this photo i don't recall the year after covid if that's 2021 we'll have i i need a doctor based on the photograph Based on the photograph that you see, is that you? Yes.
Okay. Very good.
By the way, you could have still stuck with Don't Recall. You bailed.
Excuse me. Sorry, but he bailed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that is you, sir.
And that woman to your right is whom? To my right. That's a camera to my right.
No, I don't want the attitude.

The attitude is...

Take a second.

Also, what he doesn't realize is...

It's my right in the picture.

In the picture.

Your right.

Physically, your right.

Who is on your physical right there?

That looks like a Hawaiian girl.

That looks like Santa Claus.

Well, I know I'm the judge and I'm impartial,

but that is Kalilah.

Because I dated her for 10 years. Oh.
Yeah. I thought that was Santa.
That's not Santa Claus. Okay.
What does Kalilah Claus seem to be doing with her left hand? I believe she is helping that guy in the green shirt pull up his pants. You.
Pull up his pants? Yeah. She's just doing it from a different angle.

Well, it's interesting because the pants obviously look like they're already on.

They're already on.

I would like to say that we can't see if there's a belt on or not.

Order.

Order. I've been a judge for 47 years.

Never in my life have I've seen such erroneous miscommunication of misinformation.

This woman is cupping your penis.

Yes or no, sir?

No, sir. I respect the court.
I'm not trying to get- Order! It's penis yes or no sir no sir i respect the court i'm not trying to get it's a yes or no answer no objection your honor go ahead ellen i would like to say that it is clear that my client here has as he said had suffered some memory damage due to covid and it's very clear that she is touching him in this picture.

He doesn't even seem to be aware.

If we maybe saw a little bit after this photo and how he reacted,

it seems like he has suffered some sexual assault abuse and suffered memory damage.

Thank you.

I mean, I can accept that argument.

They're doing a really good job.

Great job.

And look at it, right?

He doesn't see it.

When she touches it, because that's right there on impact. Yeah, on impact.
Right right so we don't know the reaction after that he could have been like whoa right exactly right so i'm suing her you guys are doing a really terrible evidence as far as right now goes he's innocent he's innocent at this point at this point i've seen nothing nothing okay i'll bring exhibit c exhibit c okay well that's definitely not our it's not Carlos at all. That's not the gentleman.
That guy has got a full head of hair. That's one of the Beatles.
That is George Harrison. That's George Harrison.
And that's Yoko. Correct.
So if John Lennon's here, right? If John Lennon was here and he was accusing George Harrison of, you know... Fine.
Fine. But now.
But they're both dead. Yeah.
Prosecution, whom is this photo claiming to be? This is Kalilah and Carlos on a live stream show. Yeah, I don't.
I've dated Kalilah for 10 years. That is not her.
That's not her. That is definitely Yoko.
No. That is Yoko and that is George Harrison.
Any more evidence to present to us? Evidence. For us to shoot it out of the sky? Yeah.
Yes. Interesting.
Oh, no. Okay.
Oh, my God. All right.
Is that a video or a photo? This is all photograph evidence. Unfortunately, we do agree that that is Carlos could be.
Perhaps. Who the fuck is on the bottom? We have no idea.
No idea? Well, can I call a witness? No. Well, who's the witness? The judge, George Washington.
He's there. Oh, George Washington.
I didn't realize. George Washington.
You are in the photo. Interesting.
That's not me. That is not you? That's my brother.
That's your brother? Yes, that's my brother, Tim Washington. That's Tim Washington.
Yeah, that is Tim Washington. I can speak on behalf of my brother.
He looks disgusted. He is.
Okay, correct. He is disgusted by the behavior.
Zoom down. This is, I'm going to help the prosecution.
Yeah. Zoom in on the tattoo on the person on the ground's leg, ankle.
Does that look familiar, Judge Ito? Lee. It does.
But. Whom has a tattoo similar to that? My ex-girlfriend, Kalilah.
You guys are doing, I'm doing all the fucking work for you guys. This is the shit you should be doing.
I know. God damn it.
That's why I'm bringing you in. I know you're better.
He's the judge. I'm the judge, you cocksucker.
Okay, wait, wait. Judge Ito.
Judge Ito Lee. What we see here is Carlos, perhaps, on a woman that might have a tattoo similar to your ex.
Yes. Do we know that that's her? Well, I mean, it is possible that somebody would also have that tattoo.
Easily. Easily.
What does the tattoo say? It says, um, Carlos. In the Philippines.
In the Philipp philippine language which is interesting do you have anything to say for this attorney objection yeah i would like to ask the date of this photo please the date this is the date of this photo is by the way if these fucking morons just did a video it would have proved august they did bad still August 30th, 2022. They took bad still photos.
It's the worst evidence. This genuinely would be thrown out.
It's a mistrial. Yeah, it would have been a mistrial.
You fuckers. What's your last photo that you guys had? It better be good.
Better be fucking. This better be the one.
This better be the sinking stone. That's pretty good.
Oh, that's a pretty good one. That's damning.
Pretty damning. Pretty damning.
Yeah, that seems damning. That one's pretty good.
Guilty. Ten years of prison.
I mean, guilty. I mean, yeah.
I mean, what's the defense? Go ahead. May I ask the date of the breakup? She loves dates.
Jogito Lee, do you remember? What's the date now? October. October 11th, Jargito.
I would say July 1st. July.
So this was at least, I mean, August 30th. This was maybe even two months after the breakup.
Wow. Two months after the breakup.
Yes. This is August 30th.
Wow. Exactly.
This is October 4th, 2020. But that's not what he's, you know.
October 4 even. He's not on trial for cheating on me.
But that's a mouth fog. Shut the fuck up.
Hit the gavel. Hit the gavel at him.
Don't do it. He's on trial for kissing my girlfriend even after I broke up with her, even though him and I are supposed to be bros.
Bros don't do that. Bros don't do that.
Yeah, bros go, you know what? Traitor. I have respect for you.

We've been knowing each other for all this time.

You know, I am going to respect the fact

that I'm not going to kiss your girlfriend.

What he did there is blasphemy.

Objection, ex-girlfriend.

My ex-girlfriend.

What he did there was,

if you ask any guy that we know in comedy or not,

that is a no-no, and that's a red flag. No-no.
And that is a friendship destroyer, right? Is it not? No, but this guy piping up with no-no is just, it doesn't, just click the gavel. Shut the fuck up.
You're fired, by the way. You're fucking fired.
We got the trial. I would like to bring some evidence forward.
Oh, I like this. Go if I may.
Leave that photo up, please. Leave it up.

That's important for the court to say.

So, we are hearing that bros do not cheat on each other.

Right.

I would like to bring up some evidence of- About time.

Bobby.

Yeah, go ahead.

Having some romantic times- Yeah. With people that aren't Kalilah.
Yeah. Oh, wow.
If we could show the first evidence, please. And I mean, that is a lot more than anything we've seen today.
Jarjito Lee, whom is this with you? Joe Coy. Correct.
Yeah, a man. A man.
Yep, it doesn't matter. Jogito.
The question would be this. It doesn't matter, man, woman, it doesn't matter.
This would matter if Carlos was fucking Joe Coy at one point. Jogito.
Were you? Jogito. I believe he has at some point.
Have you ever fucked Joe Coy at any point? No. Okay, or any relationship? No.
If you say yes, it helps your case. Jesus.
I'll just call Joe. I know, but he's fucking up.
Next photo. Next photo.
Next photo. Good call, Carlos.
Next photo. What else do you got up there? Oh, here is this damning one.
Oh, it's your brother again. First of all.
George Washington. Is that Tim or? That's Tim Washington.
George. Can I tell you something? Yes.
Tim and you. Yes.
This is a very misleading. This is out of context.
Yeah. You needed chapstick, and my brother Tim told me he had a little bit left on his lip, and you got a little bit of chapstick from him.
Because earlier, my breath smelled had one stick of gum. A chapstick? No, before that, I'm just going to give you an example.
I'm just going to give you an example, right? This is how me and Tim, I just made something, right? And my breath smelled and he already had one piece of gum in his mouth and he split the gum with me and I stuck it in my mouth. Objection.
So this was a chapstick gum exchange.

That was chapstick gum exchange.

Can I remind the court

that the judges are not a gun?

What's the racial intent

of the faces behind us

in the background on the wall?

Exactly.

We don't recall that.

That seems really racist.

What's the intent there? What's the intent there? What is the intent? Obviously, that's Photoshop. No, you went to a white face restaurant.
That's an IHOP. Right.
And IHOPs don't have the decor. So what is the intent there? Next photo.
Next photo. Both of you two, both the defense and the prosecution is really on thin ice with us now.
Again with Tim. A lot of this, yeah.
It's just a lot of this. We can speak.
Again with Tim. I remember this.
Jojito, do you remember this with Tim? Yes, so here's the deal. Tim and I, when we travel together, just listen Just listen.
When Tim and I travel together, right?

We sometimes want to watch movies.

We want to watch different movies.

So what you don't see, what you cropped out of this photo is on both sides of us.

No one's on TV.

I'm watching porn identity.

He's watching minority porn.

Minority porn and porn identity. Tim did tell me they do that in the tub.
We're looking at it. Forgive me, because we're the hot dog.
We're looking at it, right? We've all been there, but why are you naked? Next photo. Next photo.
People need to be naked to take baths. Next photo.
Next photo. Mr.
Generous, people need to be naked. Here we go.
Another one with you and Tim. I told you, we got a lot of these.
Judge Eno. I spent a lot of time with Tim.
Okay, we get that. Judge Eno, what is going on in this photo with Tim? With my brother, Tim.
I need to talk to my brother. This is bad.
What is happening? I'll tell you what happened. Yeah, what is going on? So Tim, his wife is Korean.
His wife is Korean. Is it not? Yes, that's true.
Tim's wife is Korean. I came over for some eggs.
Yes, I remember. I came over for some eggs, right? And so I walk to the front door, and I have no idea.
And your brother, Tim, why does Tim have all that, the pillows? Always prepared, Tim. For what? Is that where he sleeps in the middle? Yes, he sleeps in the entrance of his home.
So I walked in with the eggs. Drop the eggs.
Oh, it looks like you dropped some eggs. I dropped the eggs.
I go, whoa, whoa. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Right? I get on my knees. Then his wife.
Took a picture. Follows me.
Took a photo. Objection.
Objection I know that rug This studio That's Whiskey Ginger rug That's the lobby of Whiskey Ginger Ellen back out of that photo That's where they make Whiskey Ginger That's my brother He's supporting me Busted Both of you are being held in contempt of court That's enough That's a house in Pasadena That is a house in Pasadena That's enough There are so many people that I've seen with a whiskey ginger And that mini fridge Oh you think they don't get mini Everyone can get a mini fridge David Caruso the guy that's running for whatever whatever whatever, right? Rick Caruso. David.
David Caruso's running mate, Rick Caruso. They're also brothers.
He has a whiskey ginger rug. He has a whiskey ginger rug.
Next photo. Next photo, please.
Next photo. There's so much more to talk about in that photo.
I've seen nothing so far. Next to nothing.
Also, can I remind the court that the judge... Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. By the way, that could be Kalilah.
Or that could be Carlos. That could be Carlos.
This is erroneous. Yeah, erroneous.
Thrown out. Next photo.
Okay. But if it is Carlos.
Oh, no. Okay.
Judge Edo Lee. Here we go.
Well, number one. This is a lapse in judgment.
It was late. The drug years.
This is the drug. Was that during my drug years? This is drug use.
Yeah, yeah. This is drug use.
Definitely my drug years. Whom is that gentleman that Judge Eda Lee is kissing? That actually looks like George Washington.
If you think about it. An imitator of myself.
Yeah. Next photo.
Next photo. That's it.
This is all. That's the last photo.
No, we have some damaging evidence. Something that cannot be denied.
Okay. Okay.
So we hire a... Other than the photo, right?

It's on the screen.

Yeah, this is new evidence. Mr.
Rosende,

could you please

button your shirt

all the way up?

We're in the courtroom,

not at a strip club.

Thank you.

The behavior is just

disgusting in here.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

I'm getting hot.

We're going to get in trouble.

You didn't disclose this.

So this evidence

just came in.

Did you just hear him?

He's like,

I'm getting hot.

He's so gross.

Wait. What you guys are about to...
Excuse me? It's too damaging. I didn't want to disclose this, but you guys forced me.
Okay. This is so stupid.
This is so stupid. No.
Mr. Rosende, speed up with the evidence immediately, otherwise this court is going to be adjourned I hired a PI What? Oh, he hired a PI, a private investigator Okay, I love it This is what The evidence shows Imagine how bad of a court case this would really be This is worse than Judge Judy This is worse than, like, Judge Judy.
This is so fucking bad. What is all that? Oh, my good God.
Okay, that. Oh, my God.
Two people walking. We have no idea whom that is.
Two people walking. I got an idea.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no. This is really damning, Carlos.
Oh, no. Let's go through all of them.
I mean the judge said What the fuck is shit? Mr. Herrera, what is happening? As this plays out, let's describe what's really going on I do remember seeing Oh man Oh my god Oh my God.

Oh, Mr. Herrera, what is it?

It's like they know the camera's there.

No, we had no idea.

Are you arm wrestling, Mr. Herrera?

And whom is winning? Oh, go back.

One more. Go back.
idea are you arm wrestling mr. Herrera and whom is winning oh oh go back one more go back my case rests continue the photographs come on they're into it these photographs from a private investigator are very clear It's like when they look right at the camera.
Come on. They're into it.
These photographs from a private investigator are very clear. It's like in their feet.
How far away is a private investigator? They like it. They're just taking it on an iPhone four feet away.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they seem staged.
Continue on, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's all. That's it? That's all that's it that's all that's it yeah yeah and when you look directly both into the camera he got headshots yeah yeah I told you not to show that one oh okay I'm sorry I'm trying the fact that he's in The fact that Fancy B Is like We got a private investigator Four feet away You even fucked up this Oh my god They take pictures of it.
Yeah, we caught the guy.

You caught...

Wait a minute.

So you admit, Mr. Herrera, that this is true.

You're on a date.

You're on a private date and you caught the private investigator.

No, I want that scratch from the record.

I have tears in my fucking eyes.

Mr. Edo, I...

Mr. Herrera, you are not guilty.

You're not guilty.

Thank you.

That's the case.

That is one of the funniest. Bansy's crying.
I'm crying. That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life.
That you hired a private investigator. He's four feet away.
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Unique-y. Unique-y body.
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Tale as cold as time. Mine is cold as ice.
You do know it. Wait, how do you know it? That's not a line.

I'm glad that we got Carlos off trial, by the way.

Yeah, that's nice.

It's very nice.

Listen, I'll be honest with you.

If anybody that I know was going to want to date Kalilah, I would let you do it.

Because she's not going to want to fuck you.

Okay.

I already know.

You know what I mean?

But it's like, even if she did, it would be a big laugh.

I'd enjoy it.

We could hang out. Yeah.
You know? And it'd be fun. Play with the dogs together.
Excuse me? Play with the dogs together. I would play dogs with you.
I would play dogs with you. Okay, cool.
Yeah, yeah. You play dogs together? I would play with Bobby's dogs.
Like, if I dated... Oh, that's what you meant.
Yeah, if I dated... Not like you played...
I thought you guys were going to role play. I wouldn't be a fucking...
Chihuahua.

How'd you know I was going to say that?

What else could you be?

And what is he?

I was going to say Yorkshire Terrier.

Which is like the wiry hair.

I'm something with wiry hair.

Like a hairless cat.

Oh, Sphinx.

Sphinx.

Yeah, a Swiss cat.

That's you, Yorkshire Terrier.

Yeah, that'd be me. I love those things.
Aren't they cute? Yeah. Yorkshire Terriers.
Oh, my God. I mean, come on.
Bro. Dude, I was watching The Great British Bake Off.
I've been watching it. And it's so funny because they were talking about one of the couples that's taking a walk with their dog and we call them wiener dogs, you know, dachshunds.
Yeah. You know what they call them? What? Sausageusage dog.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sausage dog. He's like, he's walking with his boyfriend and their sausage dog, Ron.
And they named it the normal name. It was so cute.
Why don't we say sausage dog? Why are fucking Indians so good at fucking baking? Oh, weird. What? Indians? There's one Indian woman on the show.
But I've seen every single season from season one zero. Well, you gotta have one.
Because they're in England. No no they always go to either win the fucking thing or they get to the final I mean they're just so good at it Middle Eastern people are good at it Middle Eastern people are good they know how to bake yeah she's great I mean they're all great the first girl he won it one year that dude's a king look at him he knows he's like, I'm a fucking baking king.
Yeah, he's like an engineer or something. And he's Indian in England? Do you watch that show? No.
You don't watch The Great British Bake Off? No, I haven't. It's so good.
I'm assuming. It's so good.
It's so good. It's great.
I honestly think, and I'm going to say something crazy, that in terms of, because I don't watch anything wholesome. What are you talking about? What do you mean? I'm not a wholesome guy.
Everything that I watch, I saw, like I said, Hellraiser earlier. I'll watch stuff like horror movies or some violence.
Sometimes I'll watch a Marvel movie. But in general, I don't do Disney or wholesome TV.
I've never seen Two and a Half Men. Is that a one? Yeah, that's one.
The guy with AIDS? Yeah. Never saw AIDS.
The guy with AIDS. But my point is that this is one of my favorite shows of all time.
And what I like about it, it makes me feel like I'm normal. Yeah.
Like, oh, I do want to. I think I long to be that.
long to be that. Oh my God.
Do you bake? No, I long to be like, to wake up. You know, I have this fantasy.
I can't believe I'm saying this. I have this dream, this reoccurring dream.
And I've had it for a long time, even before I met Kalilah, where I live in the Midwest. And I see green rolling hills.
Yeah. Where? What state do you think? I don't know where.
Right.

Right.

But there's not a lot of houses.

You know what I mean?

But like it's a white house with blue trim.

Right?

Yeah.

No fence.

You just see green rolling hills.

Right?

And I'm laying in bed.

And I wake up.

And it's like 7.

And I wake up to the smell of coffee.

The smell of coffee.

Right?

And I hear pitter patter in that.

You know.

The little pitter patter.

You know what I mean? Animals. It could be I never get I never leave You sit in bed the whole time I sit in bed the whole time For 24 hours So your fantasy Is pretty close to reality No no But what happens is Just in a different location Yeah yeah But what happens is I look out the window And there's I see a body of a woman Never the face Right What does the body look look like? What color? Supermodel.
Lizzo? Lizzo, yeah. Julie Andrews.
Very Lizzo. No, like Gaeta.
Tall, skinny black man. Tall, skinny black man.
Yeah, yeah. And you know those clotheslines? Yeah.
Yeah, this woman's doing that. And I can hear her giggle because I look out the window and she knows I'm there.
Right? I'm just picturing you as the little puppy the whole time. You're describing like a dog's day.
Yeah. Yeah.
You're like smelling all this stuff. You're the mind of a dog.
That's you. Yeah.
Yeah. You're smelling.
Maybe that's me. But my point is that.
I just imagine her hanging up all these clothes and then getting to your underwear and just being like, oh my. But there's all then sometimes it switches to me in a car with kids i don't ever see the kids but i'm going to soccer practice oh you know i mean and there's all these things that and i'm in this midwest town i have a normal life and then i wake up in hollywood yeah and then you know i mean you're better off kill it yeah i definitely kill it that's your second life in your mind yeah but Maybe it's happening in an.
Yeah. And then, you know what I mean? You're better off.
I kill it. Yeah.
I definitely kill it. That's your second life in your mind.
Yeah, but there is- Maybe it's happening in an alternative universe. Maybe, but I also, when I look at British Bake Off, there's a tone to it, right? A tone? A tone.
Yeah. A feeling that I have of like, oh, this is, this, I could do, I what no what do you mean to be a become a baker no what the tone of like people not saying fuck every other word right people go being encouraging yeah like you know it wasn't good a little dry you know you didn't the the proof you didn't proof it long enough or bake it long enough you know and but I like the flavors right like they're positive if I did a baking show I'd be like this sucks we should do one the great bad friends bake off but my point is there's just a feeling about it that I just a wholesomeness that you wish you were another person yeah I wish I was different a little bit man because it's like um you're not happy with what you are I'm happy with what you are there's some of these girls man sometimes you piss me off but some of these girls they're like you know they think that I'm like the devil or something man they feel like I'm like a fucking coochie destroyer man I'm not a coochie destroyer I don't think you've ever been labeled a coochie destroyer yeah do they call you that you coochie killer and could you just start two different things whatever man coochie killer yeah the beast of the night you know coochie killer dry up you dry him out they call you desert man you come around and just no that's not what he meant that's not what I meant I think that's exactly what No, no, no.
No. That's not.
No. I don't think that's what he meant.
That's not what I meant, man. I think that's exactly what he meant.
No, no, no. It shivers in satisfaction.
Yeah, he did. That's it.
That's what I said. Yeah.
Do a little smile on that, too. And pop your lips a little bit.
That's it. That's what I see, dude.
Right? Like this one girl, dog.

Like this one girl, dog. This one girl, dog.

Dog.

It's like she lures me in with sexy DMs.

You know what I mean?

Not vag.

Not breasts.

But like silhouettes of her body, this and that, right?

And this goes on for a long time, bro.

You know?

So I reciprocate.

Not reciprocate. Reciprocate means you sent her something back.
Yeah, but like funny photos. You know what I mean? Like a silhouette.
You know how to do this? Yeah. Those ones.
Did you know her or was it? I didn't know her. Oh, and you sent her a picture back.
Yeah, I sent her a picture. And then, I don't want to tell you where, but I fly to go see her.
Right? This country?

Yeah.

Okay. You think I flew to fucking Moscow? We're in the Philippines two weeks ago.
No. Okay.
Moscow's not as far as you'd think. Which is halfway around the world.
Yeah. Yeah.
Pretty far. It's the farthest point of, yeah.
Yeah, it's far. Yeah.
Right. And then I, you know, I go and then I go there to hook up, but she just leaves right away.
We have a date. We make out a little bit.
She leaves. And I make all these plans to see her, this and that, and then all of a sudden she just writes me this thing like, I'm done.
I don't want to see you anymore. But you're the one that fucking sent the thing.
So she got she needed, though. What? A kiss from Boobie Lee.
Yeah. Validation.
Yeah, but my point is that, you know, and I feel like I'm at a point where I'm like, yeah, it's not, I don't know, I think I'm done. It makes me feel unwanted and ugly.
Well, you put yourself out there. It didn't work the first time.
You got to keep trying. Dating's hard.
That's what it is? Yeah. I think you want it to be a lot faster.
But just take your time. No, I mean, I'm seeing this other girl in LA right now that, just hear me out.
No, but it's like cry me a river. You're like, this one girl, I flew to see her.
And there's 40 other women I'm talking to right now. How many women are on your dossier right now? I planned it about 30 seats.
Oh my God. 30? 30? And they have to grow.
And that's my new theory. You plant the seeds and you water them.
And some of them grow, some of them don't. But just know, there might be a water shortage.
You might get a couple of weeds. Some of those things might not sprout.
Exactly. You might have to get a whole new garden.
Right. In fact, you might have to plant different kinds of seeds.
Maybe seeds with dick. Wait a minute.

You don't want to eat your seeds.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But my point is that

it's been a voyage for me.

Speaking of planting seeds,

do you miss,

like,

do you long to have kids?

I talked to Mike Pauly

and he's like getting older

and he's like,

I wish I had kids.

Well, I've been pushing him to have kids

since I met him

I always thought

that would like

anchor him

yeah

he's never gonna have kids

imagine that guy

having kids

he dreams about it

but do you dream about that

yeah I dream about it

yeah

yeah

I believe it's gonna happen

for me

I think so

you guys are lucky

you can wait so long

you can too now

kind of

look at Natasha

just had

didn't she have one

did they have two kids

or I believe it's going to happen for me. I think so.
You guys are lucky you can wait so long. You can too now.

Kind of.

Look, Natasha just had one. Didn't she have one?

Did they have two kids or one kid?

She has one.

That was a few years ago.

But when she had it, she was 40.

Yeah.

When you see Howleys,

do you see them get treated differently on the island?

You're there enough.

Do you see that the local whites are... Yeah, because they do speak in pidgin.
Hey, buddy. Because they know how to speak the language.
They do the pidgin. And, dude, it's interesting.
So we had this kid on Tiger Valley, and he's like a local guy, right? And I literally, it was mind-boggling. I literally went, so you have Freddie Mercury's mouth.
He goes, what do you mean, brother? Brother. And I go, well, it's just your teeth protrude.
He goes, who's Freddie Mercury, brother? And I started singing him songs. He literally did not know.
How old was this man? 26 years old. That might be a little bit too young.
He might not know. But then I go, have you heard of the Beatles? He goes, no, brother.
No, come on. This is what.
I am not fucking kidding you. What does this man do for a life? He's a social media star.
What? Yeah, and check this out. He's in tune with the internet? I played literally Hey Jude for him.
He had never heard it, and he teared up. That's beautiful, brother.
He's never heard Hey Jude. I go, it boggled my mind.
Because Jules had never heard of the Beatles teared up that's beautiful brother he's never heard i go it boggled my mind and because jules had never heard of the beatles well that's okay she's yeah but my point is that there are people out there that just don't know shit yeah but that's crazy it's crazy to think that you're an american he's an american right and he doesn't know who the fucking beatles isn't that mind-bling? Blissful ignorance though. Would it be nice to find the Beatles now?

How crazy would that be to find them now?

Oh my God.

I know.

Especially if you're into music.

Like you literally for a year, you're just, you know what I mean?

Abbey Road.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

See, that's what I mean.

It's kind of like this first time you got stoned, right?

And then you try to replicate getting high the rest of your life.

Yeah.

And it never works out the same.

That's all I do.

I know you do.

Yeah.

You chase it.

I got high 20 years ago. Yeah.
And I've been chasing it ever since. Don't you want to get sober, man? I've been sober with you.
No, but now? No. How are you out there, man? But things aren't bad enough for me.
They're not bad, so I don't... But emotionally, are they bad? No, I think I'm okay.
What are you using? Just weed every day and sometimes I take Xanax if I'm stressed out. I'll take sometimes yeah i drink socially usually don't have more than three you're not out of control now we did we've done we got high cut down a couple times together yeah yeah never again well we don't know never one day at a time i know but today no yeah kick the habit today the day no today the day no today the day no yeah but honestly do you want to put stuff away no oh then fuck yeah i feel fine he's fine okay do you know why i got i'm sober because today was a good example i wake up and there's six guys in my backyard okay and they're building things right there's poles fences these are these contraptions and they're, you know, there's

people sawing shit.

I go, what the fuck? He's like, you wanted

this. I go, what is it?

They go, we're building a cat

sanctuary.

And I go,

I go, what?

Yeah, it's gonna, you know, they told me how much, it's

so expensive. You ordered a cat sanctuary?

When I was high. Yep.

When I was high, I went,

I was just like, I want to

Thank you. Yeah, it's going to, you know, they told me how much, it's so expensive.
You ordered a cat sanctuary? When I was high. Yep.
When I was high, I was just like, I want a cat sanctuary. Oh, my God.
You know what I mean? I should have been billing you for shit this whole time. Yeah, yeah, and they were like, really? We don't, yeah.
Because you could turn this into this, right? So they're just building this thing. So you have that now at your house? They're still building it now.
Tell me how much it costs. Be honest.
25 grand. Oh my fucking god.
For a cat sanctuary. Can I move in there? And it's like and then there's a gigantic tree.
I go, don't chop the tree. No, but he's like, no, you told us to work around the tree.
So they're building this thing. It's crazy.
Is that insane? Do you have cats? no I don't have any cats it's a thing it's a sanctuary it's a sanctuary if they ever want one no I do have three cats if they want to seek asylum if they're just passing in the neighborhood they want to seek asylum they can't and the reason why I did that was because there's a we have a litter box in the living room and it stinks right because I had built what that's the reason no but I had built I spent a bunch of money building a little at the end of the front end of my house a little doorway into a white shack where I put this it's outside and one of my cats don't like going out there for some reason right so she decides to pee anywhere in the living room unless there's a litter box there so she's peeing on this fucking twenty thousand dollars french uh italian couch I got a couple years ago so piss on the couch yeah just blood I can't throw on that cat right down the hill yeah piss blood right so I had to put a fucking out of stress or something so now I guess when I was high I was just like watching like British Makeup High you know dude I need a couch out here maybe the cat was on their period not peeing blood oh fuck I never thought of that yeah it is a girl yeah pretty logical yeah very logical probably on the. Anyway, that's the reason why I'm sober, because I make decisions like that, you know? Bad decisions.
Yeah. Are you up to making bad decisions? Sometimes I wake up and I don't remember that I watched, like, three hours of reality TV the night before.
Like, that's not bad. Yeah, it's not bad.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like, I'm not seeing... Blacking out consciousness is kind of weird.
It is a little weird, but that's like if I was stressed out and I took half a Xanax. But I'm not like seeing escorts and doing coke.

And I don't even want to do coke because of the fentanyl issue.

I don't know.

Well, I haven't seen one in a long time.

I know, but you know much about that world.

Yeah.

I mean, I try to teach you about the world.

And I'm not ashamed.

I'm not ashamed either.

Do you want to get an escort now?

No, I was just curious

to see how it works.

I would never do it.

Never?

One day at a time.

I can never say never.

Who knows what's going to happen

in the world,

but my point is that.

Maybe tomorrow.

No, not tomorrow.

Okay.

No, but I was just asking,

how does it work?

And he tells me.

Would you ever get one?

I have before, yeah.

Again.

Would you get one again?

Yeah, I haven't done it

in so long that

I just don't have the desire.

Honestly, I haven't done it in so long that I just don't have the desire.

Honestly, I think that because of OnlyFans, the escorts in LA aren't as hot anymore.

That all the hot ones are making so much money off the internet.

I have a question.

That's cool.

I'm so glad you brought that up.

Good for them.

Did you hear what happened with Ari?

Shafir?

Manus. No.
It could have been either, Ari. Good for them.
Did you hear what happened with Ari? Shafir? Manis.

No.

No.

Which it could have been either Ari. He loves us.

Yeah, what?

Are we allowed to say this on the show?

I'm going to do it.

Is it private business?

No.

Did he get robbed?

Did you hear me out?

Okay.

This actually happened.

Okay.

Where's my phone?

Because there's a photo I wanted to show you.

It's worth it.

No, okay.

It's fucking worth it. Okay.
He's dating like a porn star. Listen.
Listen. No, he is.
He told me. I mean, he told me personally.
Oh, I know. Listen.
Listen and learn. So I'm on fucking Instagram.
And I see Booty. So I click on the thing, this other girl.
Yeah. And I realize that she has OnlyFans.
So I go to Onlyans right I subscribe it was $31 I don't know what it is right subscribe to the OnlyFans right and she has sex videos on there right I start jerking off to one of the sex videos and as I'm jerking off I get this photo oh yeah that's her and that's his penis oh my god

you jacked off to Ari Manis

oh that's Ari's girl

his penis

it was fun though right

very good

but my point

it made me angry

because it's like

who's funnier

me or Ari Manis

Bobby

no just

come on man

okay

the level though

is different. His cock is bigger than yours.
That's what it is. And that'll always win.
Cock always win above. He sent you a picture of him with the girl that you were jerking off to? That's kind of tight.
And he told me that's my penis because that's the only one that she uses. How did they know that you were jerking off? Because I subscribed.

She sees who subscribes.

Oh.

So my photo comes up.

And he knew too.

He knew, right?

And just the timing.

And then they sent me this and they're both giggling

and I unsubscribed.

So how many times have you watched since then?

None.

I unsubscribed.

That's the moment.

So I lost 31 bucks,

which I think he owes me.

Call him up. Tell him he owes you some money for what happened yeah yeah yeah should I call him yeah yeah or I'll call him that's big money that's pretty big money yeah yeah hey Bobby how old are you you owe me 31 bucks 31 Oh, why? Because you subscribe to an account? Yeah.
What? Well, I don't think I owe you $31. If anyone owes you $31, it's the person you subscribe to.
Interesting. But the person that you subscribe to.
But I don't think anyone does. You subscribe to an account.
You saw a girl. You thought she was a cutie.
You didn't do your research. Yeah, but I understand that.
But it's like, here's the deal, right? Let's say I'm watching... I go watch...
I think I'm buying tickets to The Little Mermaid, right? And while I'm watching The Little Mermaid, a penis flies into the screen. That's not what I paid for.
What did you think of the penis?

It's pretty good.

It's good, right?

It's really good.

Is it thick?

It's yes.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

You know what?

I appreciate it. I'm going to give you your $31.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really good.

Anyway, thank you. All right.
Well, you owe me $31 the next time I see you, okay you your $31. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Really good. Anyway, thank you.

All right.

Well, have...

You owe me $31 the next time I see you, okay? Okay. Okay.
Okay. Bye-bye.
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Click the microphone at the top and type in code BADFRIENDS. Because I always had a thing with him.

What do you mean?

Like a gay thing?

What?

First of all, if there's any gay thing, it's between him and Tim Washington.

Yeah, we've seen evidence.

I've always had a little...

There's always been kind of like a tension between him and I.

What do you mean?

Like a competitiveness.

Do you see yourself in him and that's why? No, I don't see myself in him, no. He sees himself in his girlfriend.
Yeah, that's... Killer.
That's exactly what it is. I got it.
Yeah, you hit it on the head. Juice.
I see myself in his girlfriend, yeah. But...
Very good. But, um...
Anyway, I'm happy for him. She's gorgeous.
So I have been linking up with on dating apps with OnlyFan girls. But obviously they say during the things like, I'm not going to give up my, you know, give up my profession, which I wouldn't want a girl to go.
You know, you got to quit OnlyFans for today. I mean, there's no way I would do that.
Follow your dreams. My point is that it's not that I would be jealous.
I think my thing is that because my tools, right, aren't as big as the tools that she's using while she's working, I feel self-conscious about it. Don't.
I'm sure you'll fit the bill in your own way. It's like stand-up.
You can't compare yourself to the other people. You offer a lot.
Yeah. And those dicks are insanely large.
You can't compare your tool to their giant black tools. Like the porn star girls.
You can't compare that. You know what I equate it to this? Uh-huh.
Sometimes NFL stars, football players, will go home and play Madden. Yeah.
Right? So they play the real thing at work. Yeah.
And sometimes they do a little side thing at home. And they like them both just the same.
They're both the same. And Madden's no less real.
That's right. You got this, Bobby.
That's true. Pauly says he runs into you at the Korean Spa all the time and you run away from him.
Maybe he could help you get some bathes. No.
And the reason why I run away from him is because he's embarrassing. Not that I'm with him that's embarrassing.
It's the things he says out loud that I can't be around. Oh, like Chinese? Yeah, obviously.
He sings a song. Chinese people are the most beautiful people

in the world. Out loud.

Is he wrong? There's no Chinese

people. There's all Koreans.

His preferred pronoun.

I know, but imagine, you don't know who

he is, right? You're an old Korean

man on business.

The Weasel!

Strong and wrong!

I love strong and wrong. Yeah, yeah.

I love strong and Rob.

Right?

What's another one?

Jury duty.

Encinoma.

Encinoma, juror duty.

Army now.

What's the army one?

In the army now.

In the army now.

My favorite.

Weasel.

Weasel.

Hell yeah.

You know my favorite?

What?

Badom. Always good with Baldwin.
Yeah. Wow.
Yeah, they're probably... I think they like him.
Yeah, but also he touches them. Well, that they don't like.
No, but they don't say anything. It's weird.
Yeah, he touches everybody, so I imagine him in a spa is no different. Probably not an inappropriate one.
No, but he'll like pinch. He's like a weird guy, huh? Yeah.
You think he's a weird guy? I like him. I love him.
He's a brother. Yeah, Paul is great.
But you guys have a different relationship. He discovered me.
He's to blame. No, yeah.
I owe him and his his family so fucking much because I was just a kid at La Jolla. Imagine.
And they used to go down there a lot. I didn't know you were at La Jolla.
Yeah. That's where I started.
And they, you know, I was working as a doorman in La Jolla. Polly goes on Saturday nights.
I would always host one show. And I only had five minutes.
He saw me perform, and he walked up to me and he goes,

this is 1996.

He goes, dude, you're so weird out there.

I go, oh, yeah?

Open for me.

And it changes everything.

That's awesome.

Wow.

He's a sweet man, dude. No, just that time period, it was,

that time period, there was just so many dreams,

and you had so many fantasies,

and everything was so exciting.

And I'll see you next time. He's a sweet man.
No, just that time period. It was that time period.
There was so many dreams and you had so many, you know, fantasies and like everything was so exciting.

It all came true.

I know.

Oh, stop.

That's where I'm at now.

Don't ruin it for me.

It all came true, but it wasn't what I expected. Yeah, there was so much struggle and pain.

Yeah, but you're there now. So, you know.
I still feel it. Shut up.
Bobby. You're emotionally, you're getting real emotional lately.
I think it's like a new, you're finding a new you now that you're single. I like it.
He's reflective. I've been very reflective.
Are you at peace? Are you at peace? What does that mean? Are you at peace? Yeah, I know what it means, but I'm trying to think about what. Well, then why'd you fucking ask me what it means? Because when I ask that, I'm trying to think about the answer.
Oh, well, then take some more time. Yeah, yeah.
What do you mean by that? No. Am I at peace? No.
Look, here's something that we can address on the show. We had Kalilah fill in for you.
I want to talk about this. Everybody who watched it that had something negative to say didn't understand that fucking vibe because I think what you can communicate it better, but the idea that people are throwing stones at Kalilah is wild because also they'd be like, way to go, Shantino.
Like I had anything to do with it. Listen, I was in a jam.
I was out of town and this production that I was working on, they needed me for extra days. I couldn't get back in time and she filled in for me last minute.
She did a great job. She did a great job and number one, number two, I want people to know that she's always going to be a part of my life and I love her like she's family.
She is family to you. Same.
I love her. I love her so fucking much.
Careful, bitch. Yeah.
Bitch. Right? She's, she is the only person that I can rely on 100%.
She, we're still like children. we see each other, it's just like there's a connection and...
Same. A family kind of vibe.
The jokes are not going to work right now. It did make me laugh.
It was very funny. It would just be two.
And when people attack her online, right? Listen, I feel great about a relationship. It was a good run.
It was a great run. I don't feel resentment.
I feel like it only helped me on different levels, you know, emotionally, my place in the world, you know, what I want. I i mean she brought a lot of great things out of me and i um and whenever i see people say negative things online about her it really breaks my heart it's like you're attacking me in a weird way well here's what's interesting two things one i think people forget that like we're all this is like a family we're like a family together yeah and obviously when we're fucking around and joking around with storyline on the show that's half of the fun of the show and the other thing is i think what's fucked about people that view a relationship in one little viewpoint it's like when somebody retires from playing a professional athlete and all they're thinking about is the one game that they played poorly is as if that's going to encompass their entire career there was ups and downs there was great things and bad things and trades and blah blah and to me it's like that's what that relationship was to you there was a lot of ups there was downs there was learning curves there was changes as people and you grew and then when it was over it was still a good thing it helped both of you in different ways and that's the the mature thing that i will give you got you a lot of credit for is that you just you you took what you got from it on a positive note and the negative stuff you let go away because now you're both fucking moving forward in life yeah i think that's how the fucking mature way to look at all that stuff which you did very well i also want to i like what you said about like the family aspect of it.

It's like,

man,

these is our,

we're all like,

I'm,

you know,

I've heard a couple of people go,

why are you opening for Tom Segura this week?

I know you called me and you said that.

People were like saying that. And I'm like,

yeah,

but it's like,

I don't look at it that way.

It's like,

he's family.

Yeah.

I'm going to have fun with him at,

you know,

at his show.

And that's how I see it.

It's like we,

you know,

when we see each other,

you know, on the road or at the clubs or when we call each other there really is a camaraderie and a connection and um we'll i think that's why the east coast and west coast scene is different in the sense that we never had this kind of connection now everyone we're growing all together we bring this little one in you know because we want to help her because we see that she's the next generation i mean this is how it all works yeah yeah so and what an incredible show for the audience you and tom segura yeah it's amazing it's insane it's insane yeah yeah but i think that's what people need to remember and keep in mind as much fun as we want to have on the show and we always do yeah and people keep paying me and rudy against each

other and i just want to say that she is my family now too yeah i love that girl and it's not a war this is all for fun and by the way when we play into the war that's even the funny the funnier thing is that's the whole point of it that being said carlos is still on our shit list yeah yeah but that that's just the way that that's the way it's going to be i was proven not guilty though Dutch chair.

Yeah, no, I was there.

I was on the trial.

My brother was the judge. But I do have to say that I do love you, man.
Thank you. I really do.
There's something about you that I just trust. Cool.
And I went to the Philippines with Andreas. Oh, my God.
And there's just a working working relationship and I want to get to know you better. But I feel like we grew up a little bit closer.
No? Yeah. What's wrong with you, man? What? I'm trying to fucking...
What is fucking wrong with you? I'm trying to bond with you and you're like with your moist Spanish lips and you're like googly-eyed. Right? Just fucking take it in, man.
I'm trying. I think people can't understand an amicable breakup.
I know in my life I've seen so many people, like even parents dating people, and then you just never talk to each other again. So I think a lot of that outrage is like from their personal experience.
So you guys, I think, are setting a really cool example of how two people can break up but still move on and be friends and be cool. Yeah, people, I know dudes that are like, well, we don't fuck anymore, so I'm not, see, it's like, that was your relationship? Only fucking? Only fucking? You know what I mean? It's like, no, it's about being with somebody and intimate, being intimate and sharing your dreams and your frustrations and- Your fears.
Your trauma and your fears and all this stuff, right? And you develop a friendship and a relationship. I'm friends with Sarah Hyland still because we only dated for a couple of years, but I love that girl.
And when bad things happened to me, Sarah's one of the first people to call me and go, are you okay? People just want stuff black and white. People want things to be cut and dry, this way that way.
And that's never been the case. Also, it's your fucking life.
It's my life. It's your fucking life.
And it's been a good one. It's a great one.
It's not over yet. Well, we do want to announce something.
I have cancer. Oh my god.
What if that was it? Well, you're going to live. We found out that it's just toe cancer Yeah it's toe cancer Just one toe Yeah I'm glad that you're Back for a heartbeat We're both busy bees So busy You're going to New York To go film So in the future If we do have other people Filming on the show That's because we're both Fucking trying our best To bring you guys episodes Every fucking week And it's tough In November and December I've cleared my I'm cleared my...
I'm doing Esther's movie in November but then I'm in town. Did she write a movie? Mm-hmm.
She co-wrote it with Nick Goosen. She did? With the Goose.
The Goose. Love the Goose.
He's super talented. You know who's in it? Great people.
Can you say who's in it? Yeah, I know Haley Joel Osment's in it. Oh, yeah.
Wow. Yeah, he's great.
I think he dropped out. Did he really funny.
Yeah. Are you kidding me? No, I'm being serious.
The whole reason why I'm doing the movie. No, I think he's back in, actually.
Do you think he still sees dead people? Yes. Oh, yeah.
Maybe. He's older now, though.
Yeah. Like he lost the sense? Would you lose the sense? I think you would.
If you saw them when you were young, you would lose them. I played him in a golf tournament for charity.
Was he nice? I beat him yeah was he nice no he's very nice he's a cool dude he was a very cool they should do that movie part two yeah the seventh seventh or six but now he still bits of comedy what's the seven cents yeah do you know how sometimes they have those people that say they've been like sexually uh fucked in the middle of the night by poltergeist like have you ever seen this? Do you not know this? I've heard of this. Do you not know this? There's people that have accounts that they say they've woken up and they're being fucked by a ghost.
I swear to God. This is a real thing.
They'll call crazy people. No, they're not, dude.
Oh, these are real people. There's a 1-800 number for it.
Really? No, no, no. It's just a sexual assault line.
But just to have been fucked by a ghost. Let's just call that ghost.
I was fucked by a ghost. Ghost rape.
Rape by a ghost. Can we call? Yeah.
Look at this. I got fucked by a ghost.
See? I'm telling you, there's people that have been fucked by a ghost. It's happening.
Look, it's on all caps. Like, they wrote it right now.
I got fucked by a ghost. Now, would it be scarier? I'm going to...
Can I ask you a question? She's so happy about it. Juicy, let me ask you a question.
If you were sexually assaulted, right? I thought you were going to say, if you were a ghost. No, I just want to.
Okay. Can I just.
Just say if. I can handle it.
Go ahead. Okay.
If it looked like Casper. Okay.
Or it looked like a human kind of half ghost. What would you rather have? Oh, God.
And Casper's friendly. Yeah,

Casper.

It's just cute.

you know,

I don't think I would be that mad.

He's like,

oh,

I'm fucking you.

Yeah,

that type of thing.

That?

Yeah.

I would be like,

I'm tripping.

This isn't real.

Yeah.

But it would have Casper had a big ghost hit.

Huge ghost hit.

Well,

then he not Casper anymore. And he blows a massive blow,

just like a hose of jizz. And it just fades away.
Just like all the other men in my life What he kind of looks like come yeah, yeah, he comes and he just kind of comes all goes inside Yeah, there's people that have been fucked my ghost He might be a nice few sperm. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Oh, that's not...
I don't like that. Yeah, that's like a shifty.
The look is weird. His friends, they look like they're up to no good.
Don't leave the door unlocked! Or what are the green blobby ghosts from Ghostbusters? Slimer. So, what if Slimer pumped you? Yeah, let's see.
I'd rather Casper. For sure.
Slimer, though. Let's just see.
Oh, he's cute.

Oh, he's cute.

He has teeth.

Yeah, that's not.

He'd be good at going down on you, though.

Yeah.

I don't think so. Now, let me ask you something.

Yeah, that would be a little intrusive.

Yeah, just a little bit.

He looks repulsive.

What about Bill Pullman in Casper?

Because he's kind of a hybrid.

Because Bill Pullman dies in the movie Casper.

And he kind of looks half-humored.

Oh, I know what you're saying.

I don't know what you're saying.

Thank you. Casper because he's kind of a hybrid because Bill Pullman dies in the movie Casper and he kind of looks half-humored.
I know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying.
I want the ghost from the movie Ghost. Ooh, the ghost from Ghost.
Ghost from Ghost, what does that mean? Patrick Swayze? Yeah, Patrick Swayze. I'll take him.
So he's a penny in your pussy? Patrick Swayze. Doesn't he move a penny or something around the table?

Yeah, I'll take that. I think so.

Yeah, that ghost.

Oh, yeah.

Of course.

That ghost.

For sure.

That's not a challenge.

That's not a challenge.

That's best case scenario.

Yeah.

That's not a salt if he's hot.

It's not a salt if he's hot?

That's true.

As a ghost.

Yeah.

As a ghost.

As a ghost.

Yeah, I see.

Interesting.

Did you see Bruce Willis sold his AI rights?

Do you know this?

Wow.

So now he can make movies posthumously.

Keanu Reeves has done that too.

I believe he was the first one.

Keanu was?

Mm-hmm.

How much?

I don't know.

They didn't say, but you could look it up.

But he wants to be able to still have his likeness in film and television carry on because you know he's sick. Yeah.
That's incredible. Yeah.
Look at it. It's reported last week that Starhead sold the rights to his face to a Russian deep fake company called Deep Cake, allowing the company to use a digital twin for the actor who retired in March following his diagnosis of aphasia.
Dude, and they showed a commercial they already made with him. Yes, it looks good.
It's fucking unreal. It's unreal.
Insane. And how much would...
Let me ask you something. For me? If you couldn't work for the rest of your life and we wonder by your likeness, what would you charge? God, that's tough.
I know. It'd be like, you'd have to...
I bet you he equated... He had an attorney and someone do analytics to find out how much money he would have potentially made you know in court they say there's not much money you took away from my potential earnings he couldn't make anything he has a disease that has to be in the equation no no they say if this never happened that's what what i would have made for the rest of my remaining life and that they do a literal they do the math yeah but if you have a disease and you know that you can't work again, that would still be in the equation.
So you'd be like, there's no way I can make, what would he make? In his heyday, he made what? 10, $15 million a movie? Yeah, he probably walked with 100 million at the end of his, you know. So he'd probably make another 10 to 20 more million.
I don't even know. He earned 20 million per year from working films.
55 million, right. 55 million in 2000.
Yeah, he's probably worth 100 million now. Right, so probably 5 million.
That's what you'd sell you for? No way. It's way more than that, I bet.
For me? Oh, I thought for Bruce Willis. How much for me? How much for me? Honestly.
A mil. For the rest of my life.
I really believe that. 900,000.
Why would you love? Why? Just round up. Go to a million.
Look at this. This says the net worth might be a quarter of a billion, but these things are always bullshit.
Yeah. But maybe that is true.
I don't know. What would you sell yourself for, Juice, if I said today you're never going to be able to work again but we're going to buy your likeness how much today today this is it it's over she's never that's the point today i'm making about a hundred dollars a feature act all right so what are you selling your likeness for we're going to use you on stage on screen on stage everything i'll say two hundred year? An appearance.
No, no, this is a

contract for the rest of your life. For the rest of your life.

Let's do go yearly. You can do

one sum number? Oh, yeah, one sum number for the rest of your

life. Yeah.
I can't work a deal?

Like, every appearance goes to my family

or something? No, we're buying you out, man.

I will say

half a million. Deal.

Good. We're gonna

make so much money on that.

Whatever you're worth, and I'll cut it in half.

We'll be right back. I will say half a million.
Deal. Good.
We're going to make so much money on that.

Whatever you're worth, and I'll cut it in half.

We're going to make so much money on that.

That's a bad deal, Carlos.

That's a bad deal.

For me, I mean, I don't really go on stages or anything.

Bingo.

Yeah.

So my AI likeness would more be like inside Fancy's MacBook to help help him on the show also helpful yeah so Fancy says no I think a cool 300 grand no deal no deal there's no way lower yeah way lower 100 grand no deal 10 grand deal deal and that's a stretch we have to call our lawyers we really have to call our lawyers. We really have to call our lawyers.
But for right now, yes. That's insane.
That's so mean. We have to call our fucking lawyers.
For who? Who? No. I'm Googling it.
For Tim Washington? I'm getting some work. I went on the road with Annie this last weekend.
Yeah, was it good? Kansas City. It was so fun.

And this weekend and the weekend after, I'm featuring for Anthony Jeselnik. Hell, damn.
I just found out. Irvine and Oxnard, I think.
Those are great shows. Amazing.
It might be this probably after. I'm going to say something to you right now, and I can feel this happening.
Okay. when we do our tour I don't care

who else I'm going to say something to you right now and I can feel this happening. Okay.

When we do our tour,

I don't care who else you're on the books with.

That's right.

This is what I want to hear.

You're canceling whoever it is.

All of it.

And you're doing,

no matter what we're doing,

you cancel to do ours.

When I heard about this tour,

it's all I can,

it's literally all I can think about.

65,000 followers now she's up to. She's moving.
That's insane. She let myself believe the tour is happening because I have no...
What did you start with Instagram-wise? 13. 1,000? Yeah.
And you're at 65 now? Would you think I'm at 13 total? I did a little bit of work. Yeah.
But you had 13,000 and now you're at 65,000. Yeah.
How does that feel?

It feels great.

It took a little adjustment.

There was a period of time, I'm not going to lie, because it happened so fast that I was just – I felt like kind of weird.

I don't know how to put it into words quite yet, but I just felt like things were changing really fast, but then I kind of grounded myself. How many do you have, Carlos?

It's like nothing really changed.

It's 6,000-something.

Bobby! Why'd your voice go up in pitch? Nervous. The followers aren't everything, but it's going.
I don't think it's bad. It's great.
I'm like a producer. I'm like I shouldn't even have followers, so I have some.
That's cool. Yeah, that's good.
Yeah. That's good.
So followers aren't everything, but it's in real life when people show up and they know who I am and they like the work and the show. And, you know, so many people came up to me last night and were like, it was so cool to see you.
I opened the main room and they're like, we saw Santino really suck. Bobby wasn't there, but I was in Hawaii.
He's on the flyer. I called him fucking Monday morning.
I'm not going to be there. And I thought that he would.
I don't know. Can I tell you when I got to the store, I was working a lot.

So Ren Sickler came up and told me, oh, you're opening the show.

Great.

Hey, can you do me a favor and just let the whole crowd know that Bobby and Bert aren't going to be here?

So you did that?

Well, they ended up telling me right before I went on stage that I didn't have to do that, that they didn want me to do that that it's comedy store policy because it always says line up subject to change that like they notified everybody but i was preparing all these riffs and like what i and i was gonna do it right at the top because i didn't want to hand the show over to george perrez like with oh yeah sorry to disappoint you here's your right so i was like planning all this shit by day The show was good, though. It was insane.
Eleanor Kerrigan just. She's the best.
I love her. So funny, dude.
She, so funny. She does the same thing that Ingram does, where she's able to pick people out of the crowd at the same time as running a bit and incorporate them with stuff.
She's so fucking funny. She's so great.
She's our girl. We love her.
Love her. All right, so look.
the trial is adjourned we know what happened with uh carlos he was set free by bobby i think we're all kind of set free now by bobby and uh i feel better yeah yeah i want to say one last thing about bad friends we're gonna do this for a long time. I feel it.
I hope so.

No, I do.

And I have to say,

you know,

you are probably one of my best friends.

Thank you.

Probably?

Probably.

Yeah, probably hurts.

No, it doesn't.

How?

Because I physically say

you are one of my best friends.

You are probably one of my best friends.

Don't say probably.

I don't need probably.

Yeah, yeah.

Just say you are one of my best friends.

It's so hard to say. You are really, I think about you often.
I am the best friend. Just say you are one of my best friends.
It's so hard to say. You are really, I think about you often.
It's not saying I am the best friend. Just say I'm one of your best friends.
Out of the 10, yes. 10? Five.
Who are the other nine? Oh, four. Who are the other four? Kalilah? Gene.
Gene's a good, yeah, probably four, top four. Gene, Kalilah, me Eric Griffin maybe Eric maybe

me

your brother

yeah he's

yeah he's a family

that's I wouldn't

count that

okay that's different

yeah

am I your friend

your sister

anyway thank you for being

he winked

go ahead and do it

thank you for being a bad friend Yeah. Woo.
Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.