Asian Brad Pitt & The No Nut October

Speaker 1 What is up, bad friends? I'm so excited to announce that I'm going to be doing New Year's Eve shows in Boston, Boston, Massachusetts, at the Wilbur Theater. We're doing it on the 30th and the 31st.

Speaker 1 So if you have plans on either of those nights, you get one night off to come see your boy at the Wilbur Theater on the 30th and the 31st in Boston, Massachusetts.

Speaker 1 I'm so excited to be bringing in the new year in Boston. And tickets are going on sale this week.
They'll be on sale on Thursday, pre-sale. Code will be Cheeto.

Speaker 1 And then everybody else will get them on Friday. Open to the public, but get them early.
They'll sell out.

Speaker 1 So AndrewSantino.com is where you're going to get those tickets to see me in Boston for New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve, Eve, andrewSantino.com, AndrewSantino.com. You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 Probably you two or something. We're bad friends.
I've been watching that show C. I can't watch it anymore.

Speaker 1 I hate it.

Speaker 1 You know what C is? Yeah, it's awesome. You see the whole thing? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who came back to the show? Bum, bum, bum. It's my little Rudy girl.
Rudy girl. Rudy girl.
She hit her head, or did she get hit? Rudy girl. Was it domestic abuse? Bum, bum.

Speaker 1 Do you want to tell us something about your boyfriend hurting you physically and not talking about it? It wasn't like. He hit you in the head and we're taking him to court.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 By the way, two court things going on. You know why Carlos isn't here? Why? Because he's afraid.
He's scared. He's scared.
He ran scared. Why are you going so fast right now? He ran scared.

Speaker 1 You're doing great. You know why? Why? Because he knows he's going to court for the Kalila case.
Yep. Oh, shit.
Yeah, I'm pressing charges as well. I know.
He made love to her mouth.

Speaker 1 He made love to her mouth. Do you know about this? No.
You know Carlos? The Mexican? The Mexican? He tongue-kissed her. He tongue-kissed Kalila.

Speaker 1 When?

Speaker 1 Oh, Mike. You know what? She's playing dumb, isn't she? You're dumb.
I don't know. You're playing dumb.
Oh, you liar, dude.

Speaker 1 She's his lawyer. And in his mind, he was eating her pastrami.

Speaker 1 Like it's a fucking deli. It's a Jewish deli.
All the beef. The approved?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. It's on tape, bitch.

Speaker 1 I can read energy, dude. Can't you read energy? Big time, and yours is bullshit.
Your energy right now is bullshit. You know what, dude? You're in the

Speaker 1 boyfriend beat you. Yeah.
Put you in the hospital. Why do you Filipinos take so much abuse? He Chris Browner.
Is it because of Manny Pacquiao? No. And it wasn't my boyfriend.
Who was it? Who was it?

Speaker 1 It was someone else. Name him.

Speaker 1 No. Oh, so it was your boyfriend? It's a boyfriend.
It's either nobody or your boyfriend. Sounds like it was your boyfriend.
But I have a concussion. Yeah, you do.

Speaker 1 Let's find out if you have a concussion. All right.
This is the protocol. Okay.

Speaker 1 What year is it? 2022. You're fine.
That's it? No.

Speaker 1 Is there more?

Speaker 1 Oh, there is? Yeah. What is it? What happens?

Speaker 1 Who's the vice president of the United States?

Speaker 1 President Kamala Harris. Very president.
Oh, yeah, she's. Vice President.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know what that means.
She knows something we don't know. We don't know.
Is she really running the country?

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Creepy. Rudy, what's going on? We haven't seen you in so long.
Nothing.

Speaker 1 Glad to be back.

Speaker 1 So good you're back.

Speaker 1 Just nothing, dude. Can I just say something? Did you come with anything? No, she did.

Speaker 1 I have something to bring up. What?

Speaker 1 You got emotional

Speaker 1 over some of the attacks you got from that clip. Oh, yo! I had to delete Instagram.
Wait, what happened? The clips that fucking. Was it you? Who? What happened?

Speaker 1 Yeah, there was a clip of her not knowing about black culture, and she got ripped apart online. What do you mean? I don't even understand what the clip was.

Speaker 1 Was it she was saying something about oh, were you talking about how much you don't like black people? That clip? No!

Speaker 1 No! No, no, not that. Wait, what was the clip? She said something she was trying to do.
She was just trying to remember that she was doing stuff with her hand. I forgot what it was, but like.
Right.

Speaker 1 And that.

Speaker 1 I asked if, like, you date a black guy. You have to know, like, something like that.
You don't want to get attacked again, so ease into it.

Speaker 1 Fancy brought a bunch of college students to the show today, brought them to my show to go see me do an hour in Brea. We saw it?

Speaker 1 Not all of them. Oh, yeah, all of them.
What am I saying? All of them came. Yeah, they all came.
Did you guys like it?

Speaker 1 Lies.

Speaker 1 They hated it. They didn't like it at all.
Did you? Two of them fell asleep. Were they on the list? No, Fancy bought tickets like an asshole.
I told you that. No, I was pissed off.
Yo, yo, yo.

Speaker 1 Let me just say something to you. I know.
Get him.

Speaker 1 You know, we rip on each other on the show, right?

Speaker 1 We tease each other, but you have to understand that we're a part of a family, right? There's no difference between you and any of my cousins, for instance.

Speaker 1 A little different, but yeah, I know what you're saying. I probably love you more than my cousins.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you don't like your cousins. Right.

Speaker 1 And I would do pretty much anything for you.

Speaker 1 Right,

Speaker 1 so if you paid for a ticket, it's just weird Okay, right, so from now on you just go hey, I need this many for this show All right Promise look at how uncomfortable he is so uncomfortable man

Speaker 1 Dude in the Philippines Are you gonna be like this

Speaker 1 Yes

Speaker 1 No, we're gonna bond in the Philippines, bro. Oh my god.
Yeah, I'm excited You guys are sleeping in the same bed, in the same room, right? Sharing a room, don't you?

Speaker 1 Are we staying in the same hotel or no? Yes. Okay, good.
Get a a room with two beds.

Speaker 1 Get a room with two beds. There's no way.
Come on.

Speaker 1 He's a clean guy. He's not going to be like.
Can you share a room? Share a room. Thank you.

Speaker 1 What? What? Why? That's offending me. The budget is still.
I've seen your room before. It's just.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 What? It's like riddled with cum. What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Time times. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, do you remember Mexico? Yeah, I was high and on drugs. I was using drugs.
I'm going to bring up another uncomfortable thing. Why? This is great.
Why? Why can't we?

Speaker 1 No, I said yes. You know what? Sometimes we need a clean house.
That's right. And sometimes we need to say what's on our minds and what's really going on.
I know what this is going to.

Speaker 1 I know what you're going to do. You know, exactly.

Speaker 1 The Jews? Oh.

Speaker 1 The Jews have taken over. Okay.
I didn't know where you were going. I had my own thing and I thought we were going to be on the same page.
Weed?

Speaker 1 What happened? What, weed? You?

Speaker 1 No, Jews.

Speaker 1 Your replacement. Oh, Jetsuki.
I thought we

Speaker 1 got this is all over the place. What were you going to say? I was going to say.
Jesus Christ. I feel like you're upset that you think that Jetsky

Speaker 1 has yes. Well, let's talk about it.
There's some threat. You're threatened by it.
I'm not. Yeah, because you haven't been on in a while.
You think, am I getting weeded out? Be honest.

Speaker 1 Let's fucking talk about it. Okay, I'll be honest.
I kind of like it.

Speaker 1 You do? You kind of like what?

Speaker 1 That Juicy's here. Yeah, yeah.
You like it when she's here and you're not here or when you're here together?

Speaker 1 when she's here and I'm not here. All right.
Okay. Amen.
I don't think that's how you feel. Number two, who do you like more? Doc or Juicy? I haven't seen Doc in a while.
You'll never see him again.

Speaker 1 I missed Doc. You may never see him again.
I miss him a lot. I like both.
But I only met Jessuki twice. Uh-huh.
And Doc. This is a really good save because I know in front of me.

Speaker 1 And Doc, I've seen for a while. She's doing right now.
Yeah. I can tell it's bullshit.
It's bullshit. I can tell.
It's not.

Speaker 1 I promise. Did you not cry in front of your mom on Zoom?

Speaker 1 Because of the racist thing? But also, you think you're being weeded out. No.

Speaker 1 So are you saying the racist thing made you upset and sad? And by the way, I'm sorry for that. I hope I'm mad at the people that.
She's not racist, by the way. Well.
Like, watch, trivia. Okay.

Speaker 1 Who's Rosa Parks? The one that had to go to the bus. The one? The one.
Oh, that's not a girl.

Speaker 1 The girl that had to go to the back of the bus, but she didn't go. Uh-huh.
And so, yeah. Booker T.
Washington. I don't know her.
Yeah. That's not a woman.
Yeah, it's not a woman. I don't know him.

Speaker 1 You know, you've met women named Booker?

Speaker 1 Maybe she thought I said Hooker T. Washington.
Yeah, I thought you said Hooker. Yeah, yeah.
That's totally fair. And that's also somehow even more racist.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Rudy is not racist.
This show is a fucking comedy show. It is.
So, what are we talking about? Rudy,

Speaker 1 you know, Malcolm X. Yeah, who you know, Malcolm X.
Yeah. What did he do? He's the one

Speaker 1 the same with

Speaker 1 I Have a Dream. We'll be right back.

Speaker 1 Close? Yeah, no. The same one.
You didn't name the guy. What's the other guy's name? I am the dream.

Speaker 1 I'm blanking. I know this isn't fair.
This isn't fair. How do you blank up Martin Luther King? Junior.
Junior, my bad. See, you messed that up.
Are you racist? I didn't finish my sentence, by the way.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I didn't let you. You're right.
You didn't let me finish. I got to tell you, you're not racist, Rudy.
Well, you are to white people. Yeah, I'm proud of that.
That's fine. Okay, there you go.

Speaker 1 And that's who you're attacking. Was attacking you, or was it black people attacking you? It's always whites.
It's always whites online doing all the damage. You know it.
I know it. We all know it.

Speaker 1 Pete, dude, when we leave here, Pete spends four or five hours online talking mad shit. Oh, yeah.
Don't you, Pete? Yeah, all the time. See?

Speaker 1 Also, Pete, I just, on my spare time, I look at the January 6th footage and I try to see if you're there. You know what, though? Him and I, we got out before any of those cameras.
I know.

Speaker 1 I think I saw your back. I was wearing a a mask, so.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A Pelosi mask.
A Pelosi mask? That was you. Bring this up.
This is how you know.

Speaker 1 Find out who founded Yelp. Who found out?

Speaker 1 I got to tell you, you know, it's a white person. This is a complaining website.
Let me see. It was a woman.
Yelp was founded by Russell Simmons and Jeremy Stoppelman. Who's Russell Simmons?

Speaker 1 Not Russell Simmons.

Speaker 1 Wait, not Russell Simmons.

Speaker 1 Wait, what?

Speaker 1 Really? No.

Speaker 1 No fucking way did that guy found. Not Russell Simmons.

Speaker 1 Click on that Russell Simmons. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Businessman. It's going to show.
There we are. He's going to be able to do that.
Go back, go back.

Speaker 1 Go back, go back, go back. How about the white Russell Simmons? Put that.

Speaker 1 White Russell Simmons. There he is right there.

Speaker 1 That's not the same guy. Yeah, that's Russell Simmons.
That's Russell Simmons. Right.
So, what did we find out again? Whites. Change your name? Yeah, look at that.

Speaker 1 That's Russell Simmons. You got to change your name, dude.

Speaker 1 Right? Yeah, we already have a Russell Simmons. If my parents' last name was Pitt and they call me Brad, as soon as I can, I'm Alexander or whatever, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But it would be cool to be the Asian Brad Pitt. Oh, that's different.
If I'm Asian, that's one thing. Yeah, because that's cool.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the Asian Brad Pitt's the shit.

Speaker 1 That's if I look like me, it wouldn't be. Yeah, Fred Krubb.
What? You're great in Fred Krubb.

Speaker 1 Sebo. Sebon.
Sebon. Sebon.
By the way, spelled S-E-B-O-N. Sebon? Sebon.

Speaker 1 I'm Brabue.

Speaker 1 I was in Tebo. Bright Cub.

Speaker 1 I was in 12 Monkeys?

Speaker 1 Bullet the Trainer? Oh, love Bullet Train. It's a new one.
By the way,

Speaker 1 that should have been an Asian Brad Pitt in Bullet Train. Of all people that deserve to be in that, would be Asian Brad Pitt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why is regular Brad Pitt on Bullet Train? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Everyone around him is Asian. Yeah, what the fuck, Brad Pitt? Racist.
So this is Russell Simmons. This is the point.
Who started Yelp?

Speaker 1 Who started the complainy, whiny website criticizing everyone's bullshit? Whites. Right.
Fucking whites are at it again. This is why you don't like these people, right?

Speaker 1 Now, do you like like me even though I'm one of them? You're okay. Thank you.
You are? Because I'm a little bit different. Yeah, you have red.
Thank you. Yeah.
Now, how about Pete? I like Pete.

Speaker 1 Okay, what's different about Pete? He

Speaker 1 go ahead and say it

Speaker 1 because he has a bigger

Speaker 1 body. What are you trying to say?

Speaker 1 He feels like

Speaker 1 a father figure. Yeah.
He looks like a daddy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay, he looks papa-ish.

Speaker 1 Now, do we trust Fancy, even though he's not white? Well, he wants to be. Let me tell you something.
This guy.

Speaker 1 I've been trying.

Speaker 1 Fancy's the best. He is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we do really love that guy. But we do hate whites.
Let's make. Okay, good.
Except George. I like George.
Oh, my God. He's the most white.
That's one that I think is put.

Speaker 1 His kid fucking hates me. Why? It's half Asian.
He fucking hates me. Tommy, who's this?

Speaker 1 Who's that? Badby. Who? What's his name? Badby.
That's Bobby?

Speaker 1 Who is he? Red dad.

Speaker 1 The other day,

Speaker 1 George brings.

Speaker 1 Tommy? Is that his name?

Speaker 1 That's probably why I fucking hate him.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You don't even know his name? Yeah, yeah.
As soon as I walk in the garage, he...

Speaker 1 Like, like freaking the fuck out. Whoa.
Right, so then I had to put on Mamoa. What's it called? Moana.
Moana.

Speaker 1 I had to put on Jason Mamoa.

Speaker 1 Just hanging out.

Speaker 1 Hi. I had to call Jason.
You know what I mean? Be nice, kid. He's locks.
But I had to put on some Mamoa. Moana.

Speaker 1 And then he calmed down. But every time he would look at me, he would freak out.
And then Kalila walks in. And he's, I only met Kalila this the second time, runs into her arms.

Speaker 1 So I think I'm a fucking, I think they sense it. No, no, no, no.
Bobby. They think they sense something.
That's what all babies react to you, to Bobby.

Speaker 1 Explain yourself. Like all the other kids.
Explain yourself. When you go in front of their face, they just cry.

Speaker 1 Is that a fact? Yeah. It sounds like a fact.
Yeah. It might be a fact.
Yeah. But why do you think you scare little kids? I think because I look like a baby, but I'm big.

Speaker 1 They think you're the biggest baby ever. Yeah, so it kind of scares them.
Like you're in their head. They're like, well, he looks like us, but you know what I mean? He's so much bigger.

Speaker 1 Is this big baby going to hurt you? Yeah, yeah. What do they think? When they see me, they love me.
Kids love me because I look like a clown. Do they really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they go, oh, they're excited about the hair because they can't believe the color. It's shocking.

Speaker 1 How often do they see this babies? Once they're like, it's it for real. Yeah, and I'm like, come on, Georgie.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also live in a sewer, so that doesn't help when I crawl out.

Speaker 1 But when they get to a certain age, they like me. Yeah.
Yeah, when they're like 20. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm talking about seven. Like seven or eight, they begin to like me.

Speaker 1 Because now you're a cartoon character to them. What? you're like you know like jimmy the cricket like if the lemon head guy came to life and they're like there he is why the lemon

Speaker 1 because you're sour and sweet that's good that's why yeah yeah yeah but look if the lemon head guy came to life that's that's kind of you that's bobby

Speaker 1 that's right i never thought of it

Speaker 1 i'm a live-action lemonhead that's you yeah i never thought of it that way but how sweet and i and and i look like a literal clown Yeah, so they think I'm kind of a cartoon guy, too.

Speaker 1 You and I look, this is cartoon characters. That's kind of who we really are.

Speaker 1 So little kids think we're funny looking. It's sweet.
There I am. Yeah.
Killed it in that movie. There you are.

Speaker 1 Can I be honest? You know, I talked about this on the show. You know, I tested for that role.
Did you really? Yeah, I did.

Speaker 1 Be honest. I'm not kidding.
You tested for it. And I, and I worked really fucking hard on it.

Speaker 1 What? Can you. And I didn't get it.
I can't. Can you, do you remember any of the lines?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Like, how did you do it? Do you played it real? You have to play it real.
Okay, so I'm being honest, no joking around. I did do really well on this audition.

Speaker 1 They actually said that they were like, you did fucking amazing, but they were being honest and they were like, I think they're going to go with Scarsgaard, right? That's what did his brother? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They were like, they're going to go with a name.
But

Speaker 1 I could tell you after the show who the casting actor is because you know who they are. But he was like, you fucking genuinely, they were.
Did you go in live or did you play? Live, live.

Speaker 1 And I did like a creature. I like got down on the floor and did like a thing.
I did like an entire performance because I wanted it so bad. I really got into character.

Speaker 1 And I was like, plus, you know, I don't need to do anything to my hair. And nobody laughed.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah, but look at that fucking hair. That's my color.
That's my exact fucking hair. Exactly.
They don't have to do much. No, I said, just white.
And I'm that white. That's kind of my skin.

Speaker 1 Just give me a little bit of red, and then I'm good to go.

Speaker 1 I had one of those auditions where I thought I got it, but like I killed it. I didn't think I got it, but I knew I fucking crushed.
Yeah, but don't you? So I auditioned for Bruno.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Yes, as his gay boyfriend. Oh, right.
You would have been so good. So before the auditions, I went to a thrift store and I bought the like jean pants that were weight for women.
Totally.

Speaker 1 I took both of my nutsacks and I just put it off the side. You only have one nutsack, bud.
Yeah, both the ones. Two testicles?

Speaker 1 You only have one sack. Two nuts.
I forget. I put one sack with the two intesticles in it.
Do you need to tell me that you have two sacks?

Speaker 1 Because if you do, you've seen it. I know.
You fucking see it. I have.

Speaker 1 But I put it off to the side so when I walked in, my sack is exposed.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 And as soon as I walked in, the place just fell to the ground. How did you not get that fucking roll? They said, you're too well-known a face to get it.
Fuck off.

Speaker 1 So then they gave me the dictator after that.

Speaker 1 Who got it? Some unknown guy. Right.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And where is he now? I don't know. You see? But I remember having that audition going, I crushed it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I could have bet my money that I would have got it, but I didn't get it. God, you should have gotten that.
Oh, my God. Why haven't you and I just played a gay couple?

Speaker 1 A fun little gay couple. That'd be great.
Ugh. And then, like, but let's do it for real.

Speaker 1 We're too well known to do like on the streets. Why? We can do it in a place where people don't know us.
I guarantee you, you and I go to like you and I go to the deep south or China. Or deep south.

Speaker 1 They love us. I'm talking about like,

Speaker 1 I mean, like, like

Speaker 1 rural. I mean out in the middle of nowhere.
Like a small town. And if we put makeup on,

Speaker 1 lipstick. Yes.
Let's do it.

Speaker 1 I would love to like like a couple let's imagine this a couple you and i moved to appalachia you know in the mountains to a small town yeah and we're new in town yeah and we're opening up a small business imagine how they'd react to us right but it's obviously you know we're making a cake shop here and we're only baking for gays yeah and they're like there's no gays here asians there are now yeah yeah the only people that buy our cakes are gay asians gay asians so we're getting an influx of gay asians that we cast a bunch of our asian friends to come in to play new gays move into town town.

Speaker 1 I'm introducing Boba to this area. Right?

Speaker 1 Hey, which Boba do you want? I love sucking on Boba. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Those boys down there, they'll be sucking on bottles at that store all day long. That's all they do.

Speaker 1 If you and I moved to the rural south to a small town and did like a character bit, it would be fucking amazing. Amazing.
How long would you have to be out there for? A couple of months.

Speaker 1 We'd have to shoot a film. Maybe a couple of weeks.
What do you think?

Speaker 1 Let's do it.

Speaker 1 It seems plausible. He always says that, but it never happens.
They would imagine what they'd say about him. Who's that gay little French dude you brought around? Yeah.
What about this?

Speaker 1 Spanish.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they go, not to me, Dank. What about this idea that I had with Cho, but he doesn't really want to do it? You and I are handcuffed with each other for two months.

Speaker 1 I see why he didn't want to do it. We could never take it off.
Two months? Yeah. So we shit together.
Sleep in the same bed. Sleep in the same bed.
Take a shower together. Yeah.
The whole thing.

Speaker 1 How do we live? It's filmed. How do we live? How do we live? We can eat.
By the way, can it be a week?

Speaker 1 Two months is such a long time. How about a month? I could do it.
Because the stakes are higher if it's a month. By the time three weeks comes, we're going to kill each other.
What hand is cuffed?

Speaker 1 Left or right? Because we're both righties. We're both right.
So cuffing our right hand would be insane. Then you could only use your left hand even more.
That would be even more frustrating.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, so that's your right. So one of us would be right-handed and one would be left-handed, right? Well, we could face the opposite direction.
Oh, that's true.

Speaker 1 So that's your left hand right there. So you'd have to walk backwards when I walk forwards.
Yeah, we could do that. We would fucking murder you.
You know what?

Speaker 1 I'd give up my my fucking right hand for that, for proper direction. Just to do it? Just to do it.
I would give up my right leg. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Because, you know, I could jerk off with my left hand. Prove it.

Speaker 1 We'll do it when we do the show.

Speaker 1 How funny would that be? You have to hold the iPad. I'll put the sheet over it, and I have to jerk off with my left hand.

Speaker 1 By the way, imagine you jerking off with my hand handcuffed to your hand, and I just have to sit there and pretend like it's not happening. Yeah.
Stand-up would be weird. No.

Speaker 1 Stand-up would actually be incredible. Yeah.
It would be so. Well, we'd have have to go back to back.

Speaker 1 We'd have to just perform at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Or we could do, you could do your act. I'm just sitting there.
And then once in a while, you go like this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like something I said? And then, or you could help me, too.

Speaker 1 When I'm doing my act, I could say this. I'll say your punchline.
Yeah, yeah. But you also can give me tags and stuff.
You'll go, who was I molested by?

Speaker 1 But what do you think? I'm down to do it. We have to film it, though.

Speaker 1 We have to sell it first. I'm not doing it as a fucking experiment.
No, no, no. Let's do it.
Let's sell it to somebody. Sell it first and then go, we're going to do this.

Speaker 1 Get on it. Okay.
What do you mean one week? One week. One week? Yeah.
He wants a month. The kid wants a month.
Buck up or shot.

Speaker 1 This one lasts a month. Says for a month.
We won't last a week. Right.
We'll do it. Two days.
But do we do it in L.A. or should we just go to a different city?

Speaker 1 Where would be the best city to do something? Because I don't want to be in your house. And then where do you stay at my house? No, we would stay at a hotel.

Speaker 1 Oh, we do a hotel? Oh, for sure. Yeah, that's the only way this would work.
Yeah, because I don't want to see your wife and your dog, and so that'd be weird. I don't want to see your fucking dog.

Speaker 1 Oh, that'd be great, though, if I slept in the bed with you and your wife.

Speaker 1 Between us. That'd be weird.

Speaker 1 It would be fun. You'd be our little fucking.
Would you be able to sleep, though? Yeah, for sure. No, she won't.

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Speaker 1 Are you okay with all this, Rudy? I just feel like you just want, you just have, you just want to have an excuse to like fuck each other.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
We don't need an excuse, first of all. We could fuck anytime.
We can fuck each other whenever we want.

Speaker 1 She always makes scenarios about gay, you being gay. Just okay.
All right. Okay.
Accusing us of. what are you trying to say? That you want to fuck each other.
No, no, we don't. Fuck each other? Hey,

Speaker 1 double eye wing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rudy.
Yeah, Rudy, that's not true. We're just open.
I promise you this, we'll never fuck each other. Yeah, sadly, we won't.
Sadly. It's just circumstances.
Maybe in a different life.

Speaker 1 In a different life, it's just not worth it right now. We've got too much riding in the line.
Besides, we sleep together. You sleep with someone you work with.

Speaker 1 It's going to fuck up our work relationship. But I feel like Tito Bobby

Speaker 1 is going to like

Speaker 1 do the first move.

Speaker 1 He would do the first move. That's right.

Speaker 1 Yes, he would. You're curious.
Yeah, he is. That's right.
Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Jules?

Speaker 1 Jules, keep going.

Speaker 1 I just feel like you're going to bring someone in the house, and it's a guy. Oh, so you're saying now that Auntie Kalila and him are broken up, that the first thing he brings home is a man.
Maybe.

Speaker 1 God, you're making me so angry.

Speaker 1 And can I tell you something?

Speaker 1 You really fucking try to put i'm into this like crazy no you're making this is actually a good theory what kind of guy what does he look like what is the proof i just have i just feel a vibe kids got intuition really you got vibes so you think that as soon as you and kalila move out it's gonna be a sausage fest maybe no

Speaker 1 no it's gonna be a white guy oh yeah oh shit really yeah what is your proof i've First of all, can I just say this? Just to defend myself? I've made out with a couple of girls since I've been wrong.

Speaker 1 And they have no guys. Did you just hear what he said? Girls? Yeah.
Made out with a couple of girls. Why, what guys? No guys.
Not in a long time. No guys.

Speaker 1 Actually, yeah, a girl at the show. Yeah.
Yeah, he kissed a girl at a live show. When? In New York.
In New York. One of our fans in the crowd yelled out.
Tongue-tissed her.

Speaker 1 It was hot.

Speaker 1 Is that gay?

Speaker 1 You can still like girls and like guys. What's on bisexual? Yeah.
Yeah. I promise you not.
No more gay. Not never gay.
I mean, no more. No.

Speaker 1 I'm not selling it. Can I have that again? No, I think I'm not selling.
I think that's it. Can't have that again.
Okay, let's see. Yeah, yeah.
Go.

Speaker 1 What's the line? I don't buy it. What's the line?

Speaker 1 Holy shit. I won't be gay anymore.

Speaker 1 I won't be gay anymore. I'm never gay.
Anymore. I was never gay anymore.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Go action. I was never gay anymore.
And never going to happen.

Speaker 1 Okay. By the way, that should be your clip on Grindr.
Yeah, yeah. When they play the video.
I was never gay anymore. I'm not going to happen.

Speaker 1 Scroll the pictures of you just naked. Yeah.
I don't. I don't.
I'm not.

Speaker 1 What I'm saying to you is that I wouldn't be ashamed if I was. I would be completely open.
But he's saying he's not. But you still think he's going to bring a guy back to the house, huh? Yeah.
No.

Speaker 1 Well, download. Maybe to play like, you know, Minky video games or play Jenga.
That's what they call it. What? Jenga.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Is that a new street term? Yeah, new Jenga. You've never played it? No, No, I've done it.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then every block you take out, you put it in your ass. I've done that.
No, you put a dig, a block, dick. You know what I mean? No, but you're dick in.

Speaker 1 You push out the blocks with your dick. No, we put a dick in, put a blog, and then you pull the blog, and then our dick's cut.

Speaker 1 Just slides down. It slides down.
It's a fun game, dude. Rudy, what have you been doing that you've been gone? Are you working at the bookstore still?

Speaker 1 She never did it. No.
You fucking, I knew you did.

Speaker 1 No, because they wouldn't give me an employment letter so that I can get my social security number. I knew it.
I knew she was going to bail. I felt it in my bones.
And you know what?

Speaker 1 I bet you some of our fans showed up to that thing because we told them to go. No job.
Yeah, I'd be scared to, like,

Speaker 1 so you haven't been working. No.
You still dating the same dude? The guy that gave you concussions. She's sleeping.
And sleeping.

Speaker 1 You're doing nothing else. Baking.

Speaker 1 Ooh, what are you baking? Banana bread. Well, thanks for bringing some.
They're really good. Well, where the fuck is it? With chocolate chips in it, though.

Speaker 1 Why do you ruin it with chocolate chips? What are you doing? I like chocolate. I know, but you don't need it in banana bread.
People do this, and I don't get it. You don't need it.

Speaker 1 It's too blunt if it's just banana. That's not true.
You put some butter on that bitch, let it melt hot, hot, hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Here's the deal: make one banana bread with chocolate and one without. You put nuts in it? No.
Do you use bananas?

Speaker 1 No. I'm just going to say.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, you have to ask with this girl.
Yeah, you never know.

Speaker 1 Do you use bananas? Yeah. Or is it plantains? It's bananas.
All right. That's her home country food.
Bananas. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What got you into bacon? Why did you start doing this? I got bored. Yeah.
And I've just been watching TikTok, and it's just all about baking. So I tried.
You're on TikTok. You're on baking TikTok?

Speaker 1 I'm not on that one. Yeah.
I've never seen one baking video on a TikTok. I also, Andrew, do not watch The Chef's Table on Netflix on pizza.
Tried it. What do you mean? Turned it off immediately.
Why?

Speaker 1 Tried it. Turn it off immediately.
You watched it? Yeah, I tried one episode.

Speaker 1 Bianco, the first one?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Why? No, I just seen it so.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 You You don't like it? No. You don't like pizza? No, I love pizza, but it's just, it's just, yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't know. What do you mean? I don't know.
Fucking explain. You don't like the.

Speaker 1 You think pizza's anyone can make it? Yeah, they can. I know everyone can make it, but not like at a level, like a high level.
I think they can. I think pizza is a bullshit fraud.

Speaker 1 I think it's a fraud. I think it's a scam.
No, because anybody. How many fucking pizza restaurants are there around the world? You're going to make me so angry.

Speaker 1 All right, so that one, the Frayford episode, Bianco, I think that's what it's called. Yeah.
In Arizona, right? Yeah. So years ago, my brother and I were.
245,000 pizza restaurants.

Speaker 1 But look up the one

Speaker 1 in Phoenix, Bianco. It's just too many.
I think everybody can do it. Fuckface, let me listen to you.
It's not that artistic. Will you listen to me? It's pizza.

Speaker 1 Go ahead.

Speaker 1 So I was in Arizona and I ran into Joel McHale.

Speaker 1 Do you know him? Do I know who that is? What is he?

Speaker 1 I'm trying to think who he is.

Speaker 1 Wait, that's his name, right? I love Joel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Joe McHale. He loves the community.
Joe McHale, we love him.

Speaker 1 So I was hanging out with him, and he goes, dude, have you seen, we've been to Bianco, right? Is that what it's called? Yeah. And I go, it's just pizza, right? I might just go any pizza.

Speaker 1 You guys know that. Not pizza, dude.
Yeah, he goes, it's the best pizza I've ever had.

Speaker 1 Shut up. My brother and I went there.
This is before the fucking Netflix I saw, right?

Speaker 1 It was incredible. We go, this could be the best pizza we've ever had.
And then by watching the documentary, it solified it. What made it so good?

Speaker 1 It was the, you know how you eat something, you go, oh, this is fresh, mozzarella, right?

Speaker 1 And there was something about the dough that seemed very like New York-y in terms of the texture of it. Was it, was it brick oven pizza? Yeah.
Yeah, brick oven pizza. It was just a really good pizza.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, I get what you're saying.

Speaker 1 You're right, you're right. I've had so much pizza

Speaker 1 over the course of my life. And then you go to Italy, you have pizza there, you have pizza here, you have like New York's original shit, and you have all that stuff.

Speaker 1 And you're like, yeah, but fucking pizza is still pizza at the end of the day. It's not going to wow me the way that like.
But there's a difference between little Caesars and that. Of course.

Speaker 1 Okay, good. But that's like anything.
I just think they hype up pizza so much, you're like, it's not going to make me go, fuck, dude. Not like a Chateau Brian.

Speaker 1 One of these like crazy dishes where you're like, fuck, what had to go into that was insane to make it perfect. You know what? Why don't you make a pizza and then prove your point?

Speaker 1 Fine. Would love to.
And it better be good, dude. I'm a pizza guy.
It's going to be good.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make you a very good pizza. Do you have one of those wood-fired ovens? No, but I'll go get one for you.
You would. For this show? I'll make one.

Speaker 1 You should put one at your house. You have a nice

Speaker 1 backyard could actually have one of those. But there's a one that they have on the fucking thing.

Speaker 1 They had one on a Korean lady in Minnesota.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And she puts kimchi on hers.
No, no. See, this is my problem with pizza.
Oh, well, this is what's why people. I can't start putting all this bullshit on.
Why? It's not pizza.

Speaker 1 If there's mozzarella and some kimchi, is that good?

Speaker 1 It does not belong on there at all. How do you know? Because I know.

Speaker 1 Because ancestrally, it just doesn't. It has no business on that fucking.

Speaker 1 And she looks sweet, but I'm not eating that bullshit.

Speaker 1 You're not? I'm not eating pizza pizza. So if I went to Minnesota, and I think one of her pizza's places called Lola, and I go, I made reservations.
I'm going to Minnesota tomorrow. Will you go?

Speaker 1 I will, I. And have a kimchi pizza? Okay.
Are you going tomorrow, right? I am going tomorrow morning, yeah. And doing the club there? I'm going to Minneapolis, yeah.
I'm doing a theater there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so go to Lola.

Speaker 1 Well, when this is out, I've already done it. Yeah, yeah, but and then we'll get the review.
Okay, that's fine. You get a pizza with kimchi on it.
I'm going to put it in my phone right now.

Speaker 1 Now I'm going to go. If you don't go, then you're a coward.
I swear to God, I'll go. What do I fucking care? I'll go to.
But here's the deal: I just don't have time.

Speaker 1 I just don't like these experimental pizzas. The show is great, by the way.
I was being facetious. Can I ask you some questions? What doesn't belong then? Go ahead.
I went to a place the other night.

Speaker 1 What's it called? Lola?

Speaker 1 Yeah, hers is called Lola. Lola Pizzeria.
Yeah, I went to a pizza place last night, and they had honey on it. Is that wrong?

Speaker 1 Cheese and honey, just cheese and honey. Cheese, honey, and some sort of so-soproceetta or some some sort of weird

Speaker 1 soprasetta. Soprocetta.
Soprocetta.

Speaker 1 No, I'm going to ask you some fucking ingredients. You tell me if that's you.
I'll go fast. Okay, go.
Right. Fucking honey.
No. Wow.
Chives.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No. Artichoke.
No.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Bacon. Like bacon from the.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay. So bacon, egg.
No.

Speaker 1 They've had pizza on egg. Yeah, they do.
They have egg and a pizza. Anchovy.
No.

Speaker 1 Any kind of fish. Nope.

Speaker 1 Fuck no.

Speaker 1 No. Any kind of fish.
Nope. Right.
No fish. How about salmon row? The egg.
Get the fuck out of here. I will.
Go back to your country. I love it.
I love it. No.
How about this?

Speaker 1 Instead of tomato sauce, chutney. Get fucked.

Speaker 1 It's not me doing it. Get hit by a bus and

Speaker 1 pizza guy. Don't get safe.
Get the fucked. It's got to be tomato sauce.
It has to be? 100%. What about pesto sauce? Get the fuck up out of here.
Get hit by a bus. Get hit by a bus.

Speaker 1 Get hit by two buses. Yeah.
Okay, what about.

Speaker 1 This isn't the rules of pizza. This is the rules of Andrew Santino's pizza.
Okay. Because the rules of pizza are vague.
I've watched the pizza show. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they go back and forth on what is actually a pizza, what considers a pizza, what's allowed to be on it.

Speaker 1 It's endless. It's an endless argument.
Okay. Pizza historians, I've watched that show, and it was like, one party says this, one person says this.
Roman pizza versus other pizza is different.

Speaker 1 People have different rules. Andrew's pizza? Yeah.
Fucking no way anchovies. Get fucked.
Pesto sauce? Go

Speaker 1 get fucked. Go fuck yourself.
You're allowed to have these. How about this? We'll do that.
Yeah, yeah. Why do we do that? I think that's a better game.
Cheese. What kind? Can I use American?

Speaker 1 Almost any kind of cheese. Oh, that's interesting.
I've never had an American cheese pizza, but I've

Speaker 1 been down to try.

Speaker 1 Really? But not fucking artichoke. No, artichoke belongs on so many other things, not on a pizza.
Fine, let's move on. Cheese, basil, sausage, peppers.
Pineapples.

Speaker 1 Fuck you. Yay.
You get the fuck out of there. Get the fuck out of town, pal.
With the fucking pineapple. Pineapple bullshit, you fucking Hawaiians.

Speaker 1 So you don't eat Hawaiian pizza? It's not real pizza. That's domino's pizza.
Okay. Hawaiian pizza is domino stuff.

Speaker 1 That's white trash pizza. Okay.

Speaker 1 So pepperoni, sausage.

Speaker 1 Mushroom? Yeah, of course. Mushrooms belong on there.
Mushrooms are delicious. What if I use shiitake mushrooms? I'm in love with.
I ate shiitake last night for dinner.

Speaker 1 What about those other mushrooms that are like, like, look like little white sticks and with the little Japanese ones? What are they called? That they put in ramen? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 I knew it. Those don't pull it.

Speaker 1 How about this? How about truffle?

Speaker 1 Oil. A little bit of truffle oil is okay.
Thinly sliced truffle.

Speaker 1 Maybe. I got you.
Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 All right, yeah, yeah. I got you.
Okay, but

Speaker 1 the truffle. Okay, but very,

Speaker 1 but it's very lip. It's done very limited.
Limited addition. Very limited.
Very liberal.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right.
Yeah. Sausage, pepperoni, pancetta is okay.
Bacon is okay. Okay.
Meats are cool. Any meat.
Chicken has no business on a pizza. Lamb.

Speaker 1 Where am I? Greece. I'm eating it.

Speaker 1 So dependent. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 I think it's got to be a red meat to be on the pizza. Like a bison.
That's red meat. Yeah, but I've never had bison pizza, but I'll try it.
Really? So you're not opposed to it?

Speaker 1 I'm not opposed to it, but it's got to be fucking amazing bison. Okay.
But like chicken, like those barbecue chicken pizzas? Nothing from the sea.

Speaker 1 Like a scallop pizza? Yeah, like a lobster pizza. Go back to China.

Speaker 1 Lobster pizza? No. Yeah, yeah.
Fuck no.

Speaker 1 Pizza has to be simple so all the shit on it doesn't take away from how good the pizza is. That's the point of pizza.
When people put chicken. Your heart is closed, though.
Do you understand?

Speaker 1 No, it's clogged from all that meat and pizza. I know.
My point is, is that, like in Japan, right? Guess what the number one ramen place was was for a while there? Ivan Ramen.

Speaker 1 Some Jewish guy from New York went to Japan.

Speaker 1 I'll start one. Aputo's big.
Aputo is one of their biggest. I know, but Ivan Ramen became a hit, and Japanese people went, you know what? You know what? I did the accent wrong.

Speaker 1 You know what, right? I try. So this guy, the Jewish guy who moves there, makes the best ramen in Japan.
This guy. That dude, that dude.
Does he speak Japanese? No. And you know what?

Speaker 1 You know what he used in there? Huh. Something that they would never use.
Tomato.

Speaker 1 What kind of tomato in a ramen? What is tomato? Raw tomato?

Speaker 1 He would just cook in tomatoes in it. That was a thing that they never used.
Get out of here, Ivan. No, but that's something with the Japanese.
The Japanese go, get the fuck out of here, Ivan.

Speaker 1 The Japanese goes, let me try. Some of them.
Yeah, but you're not one of those guys. You're like, get the fuck out of here.
I'm OG Japanese. I'm old school Japanese.

Speaker 1 Right, so if you were the emperor of Japan. Cue him.
I would have him killed. You would? I'd have him killed immediately.
And Ivan, I'm just trying to make ramen. Cue him.

Speaker 1 And the moment that he's hanging, I'm sneaking the little tomato ramen. I'm just like, it's pretty good.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, all right.
Oh, wait, it's so good. I just think pizza needs to.

Speaker 1 Fancy was shaking his head. Pizza needs to be low-key, simple.
It can't take away from the thing. I actually don't like a lot of toppings.
I think pizza should be very low-key. You like margarita?

Speaker 1 Americans put a lot of shit on pizza. Americans put too much shit on pizza.
Yeah. No, margarita is delicious.
What about this? Let me ask you another question. How did you just do it?

Speaker 1 Like, one thing is fine. Can I ask you another question about pizza? By the way, basil.
Basil?

Speaker 1 Mottarella and basil? Isagou. All right.
So I saw another one of those chef's tables where the guy did this. He reverse cooked it.
Just hear me out. I'm already pissed off.

Speaker 1 I don't even know what it is. Yes, normally, you know, you make the dough, flatten it out, right? Yeah.
You put the tomato sauce on it. Sure.
Right.

Speaker 1 And then you put the stuffed cheese, and then you put it in the oven. This is not what this guy did.

Speaker 1 You know what he did?

Speaker 1 So he fucking puts the dough down. Got it.
Puts the cheese, no tomato sauce,

Speaker 1 puts it in the oven,

Speaker 1 takes it out, then puts sauce on, and puts fresh sauce on. Okay, I'm okay because the cheese cooked a little bit.
It makes the sauce much fresher. I'm okay.
This is okay. So you don't care about like.

Speaker 1 The order is fine. The order can change.
The order can change. Yes, but it's got to still be the simple ingredients.
Right. You know, if you want to, but also cooking cheese on bread,

Speaker 1 give me some more of that. Yeah.
You can cook as much cheese on bread as you fucking want in my house. Yeah.
I put so much cheese on stuff, it's disgusting. It's repulsive.

Speaker 1 Because I went to a place last night called Roberto's. It's a new pizza place.
There's one in, it started in Brooklyn. Yeah.
And they have one over there by the Erewhon now, right?

Speaker 1 It's called Roberta's. Roberta's Pizza? Yeah.
Good? I've been there two nights because I've been watching.

Speaker 1 So I've been watching. I've been watching the chef's table.
Dude, as soon as you get on a show, you're going to go do that. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So I've just been going to a pizza. Every meal's been a pizza.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. Once I watch a show, like if I saw a show on like

Speaker 1 bison meat. You're going to, you're going to

Speaker 1 go to Colorado and eat bison meat. I'm eating.
That's all I'm eating.

Speaker 1 So then, go ahead. So anyway, anyway, so I was watching.
So, there,

Speaker 1 and I was there, and I was going, they had a thing in there that I'm like, what is this? And it's stretched mozzarella on the side

Speaker 1 with oil. Delicious.

Speaker 1 And then, like a puffy bread, a dough that they cook, and a side of anchovies. Okay.

Speaker 1 Right? Yeah. And I get this.
I've never seen it before. I don't know what goes first, how to do it.
So I just pulled the bread up. I put some cheese on it and put some anchovy and I ate it.
Mui good,

Speaker 1 Muy good, good, good.

Speaker 1 I mean, it sounds good.

Speaker 1 I'm okay with eating it like that, but that's not a pizza. I'm just saying that once I had the anchovy, I'm like, oh, this is an element that maybe the Italians back in the day

Speaker 1 disregarded. And I think that you have to open your mind.
I bet they used it. You have to open your mind.

Speaker 1 I just don't want to.

Speaker 1 That's how I bought food.

Speaker 1 That's how I feel about food and people and things. I know what I like.
But when we did the hamburger thing, you were open to that with juicy.

Speaker 1 That's because.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 what was on that hamburger? Crazy shit. Jizz.
Yeah, there was jizz on that hamburger. Yeah.
So why aren't you open to fucking new pizza?

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's something about pizza that means something to me.
All right. It's just, it's because as a kid,

Speaker 1 pizza, it just changed my life. I don't know.
It was my whole childhood was eating pizza. Pizza.

Speaker 1 I loved it. Have you been to Apollonius? I love apples.
Do you know about Apollonius Pizzeria? Seriously? Who was that at? Oh, my God. That's like one of the most famous pizza spots.
In L.A.? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It gets a lot of hype. Very, very good.
It's down on like, it's off a Highlander, La Brea. They're open for like six hours a day max.

Speaker 1 They're open like three hours in the morning, three hours in the afternoon. When they're out of pizza, they're closed.
It's in that little strip mall. Look at that photo of it, too.

Speaker 1 The third photo in or something like that. Fourth photo, maybe? No, no, no.
Go to Apollonius Pizzeria.

Speaker 1 There's a strip mall. It's on fucking La Brea or some shit.
Yeah, Yeah, look at that right there. Look at that.
That's it? Yeah, man. Wow.

Speaker 1 It's like one of the highest-ranked pizzas in Los Angeles County. It's insane.
They're never open. Is it better than Hollywood pizza on Pico?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Welcome back to the food show.

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Speaker 1 You don't eat pizza, do you, little scumbag? I do. I just don't care.
You don't care about food at all. Oh, no.
You know what happened. What? I know what.
You remember the story? No. Oh, yeah, you do.

Speaker 1 What? When we brought your family out. Oh.

Speaker 1 So she comes from the Philippines, first time in L.A.

Speaker 1 And I go, you know what? I'm going to be

Speaker 1 the guide, the tour guide. And I'm going to give them tastes and sounds and sights that they've never seen.
That's kind of nice. Right? Yeah.
Anyway, we go to

Speaker 1 that place in Echo Park that does deep dish. What's it called? Masa.
Masa. Have you been there?

Speaker 1 Like it? Yeah. Pretty good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So remember, you and your mom and everyone went to Masa. I got two deep dish pizzas.

Speaker 1 And I look across the table.

Speaker 1 And what are you guys doing? We're not eating.

Speaker 1 It's because we haven't tried that. And we're usually used to just the thing.
Birds. They're used to eating eggs.
Bird eggs.

Speaker 1 Did they have any bird eggs there?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. That's crazy that you didn't eat.
And they didn't eat any of it. And I saw one of them just poke one with, like, it was alive with a four.
Like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 It's too thick. It's too much.
Yeah, you eat one piece and you're fine. Yeah.
It's delicious. It's delicious.
I prefer thin crust.

Speaker 1 No, no, yeah, no, no. I get it.
Yeah, thin's good. Yeah, thin is great.
I get it. You can eat thin more often, but you should try that.
Also, it's like when you go to a different country and

Speaker 1 test your, you have to eat that. Even if he's like, these are elephant testicles.
You got to try it. You got to try it.
You're in his homeland. Yeah.
So if I tell you to eat bird egg.

Speaker 1 If I was in the Philippines, I would do what as the locals do. I mean, that's the reason why he's never been to the Philippines.
That's correct. He's not going to deal with it.
That's part of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Right? You just choose not to go there.
And I'm afraid of fucking one of those ladyboys because I know I'm going to love it. You know, Andreas and I are going Monday.
Were you going Monday? Yep.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's gone. Me and Andreas are going to fucking the Philippines Monday.
I'm so excited. And you're going to eat egg? Bird egg? Absolutely not.

Speaker 1 You Spanish pants. You're a big piece of shit.
Why wouldn't you do it? You have to eat the locals. You got to do as the locals do.

Speaker 1 We're doing it one night. One night.
You should try.

Speaker 1 Just try once.

Speaker 1 For the show.

Speaker 1 Do you care about this job? Yes. Well, then do it for the show.
I guess so. See, he'll do it.
Make him do it while you're there. They should put a Roe versus Wade for fucking duck eggs.
I know.

Speaker 1 In the Philippines. This is odd.
Well, which side are you on?

Speaker 1 I don't know which side I am. Is that Roe or is that Wade?

Speaker 1 I can't. I have no idea.
I can't tell.

Speaker 1 That's insane to look at. It's insane to look at.
It's just absolutely disgusting. Look at that.
Picking up its head. Jesus fucking.
Jesus Christ. It's insane.

Speaker 1 And you literally would eat one right now, right? Yeah. That's insane to me.
But deep dish pizza. Nah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Bird heads? Fine.
Fine. Yeah, yeah.
Pizza sauce?

Speaker 1 Tomatoes? It's amazing. I have something to tell you, though.
What? I followed your lead.

Speaker 1 Cut porn. I'm done.
No more porn. No, why? Swear to God.
Why? I'm getting sober on porn.

Speaker 1 Why? Because I just don't, I don't think it's good. It's not.
And I find myself going to it sometimes. I'm like, I'm not even going to jerk off.
Why am I looking at this shit? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I'll look at it without intent to jerk off. Like, I just want to see what's on there.
So I'm cutting it out.

Speaker 1 When's the first night? Four days clean. Four days I'm clean.
Really?

Speaker 1 Well, why don't should I

Speaker 1 do it packed? I would love to do it together. All right, so I did it last night.
Okay, so day one. No, do it tonight.
What do you mean? Start again? Yes.

Speaker 1 So should I watch it right now and then start at zero? No, tonight? No, because I'll watch it tonight again and start at zero. Let's do that.

Speaker 1 because I'm gonna I was planning on watching it tonight I want to jerk off tonight

Speaker 1 so I would like to start off right so let's start from zero tonight great so tonight at midnight the last time last time last time last time 1159 has to be the last time if you watch it at midnight you've broken it right okay can I ask you this too what are the rules no porn

Speaker 1 I know but in terms of if you break it will you text me right away I broke it I promise you we'll call we'll have to call I have to do the same thing so what's on the line nothing $1,000

Speaker 1 No. Yeah.
Let's see who lasts longer. $1,000 cash.
We have to show it on this show.

Speaker 1 And the $1,000 goes to something good.

Speaker 1 We have to give it to somebody. We'll pick where it goes.
Can I think? No, no, no. I haven't agreed yet.
No, you said yes. Did I say yes? $500.
$1,000. $1,000.
Done.

Speaker 1 And it goes to someone good or something good. Yeah.
Done. Charity.
It's going to be for charity. Why can't I just keep it?

Speaker 1 That's not, that doesn't work.

Speaker 1 Because that's not part of the pleasure.

Speaker 1 Because knowing that I can take your money and give it to someone else is great to me. That's gonna be better.
I feel like you're gonna win this.

Speaker 1 But we have to be 100% honest. I am.
All right. I have a question.
Okay, please. When you go to porn, do you ever search gay porn? Bobby?

Speaker 1 No, I haven't done. Why? What is your problem with that? She's just asking a question.
I don't like it. Oh, it seems like a value.
It's like a fucking girl. No, because we're girls.
We only do.

Speaker 1 So I was curious.

Speaker 1 Do I Google, do I search for specific things? You know what? Actually, do I search gay porn? I do. Women and women, women, gay porn.
What about guys?

Speaker 1 Guys with women? Guys. Guys with women who are lesbians? Yes.
Just guy and guy. Just one guy with one guy?

Speaker 1 Is there a girl in the building? No, just two guys. Is a girl filming it? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Like a boom operator.

Speaker 1 Is there one chick out with tips that's just no, never a guy. Never guy.

Speaker 1 Have you clicked on anything unique, like trans porn or something? I don't know how to talk about that right now. So you can if you want, if you say it, if you have, if you have.

Speaker 1 Have I seen Transporn? Have you clicked on it? You see it. I know you scroll through it.
It's like. Have I watched it? So, look, of the categories.
There's like teen.

Speaker 1 There's like

Speaker 1 old man porn, which we know you love. Then there's like mass solo masturbation videos.
Then there's like couples. There's one.
So you've seen transporn.

Speaker 1 Let me defend myself. And there's transporn, and you click on it.
There's one. Let me just defend myself.

Speaker 1 There's nothing to defend. I'm not even defending.
It's fine.

Speaker 1 It's totally fine. I mean, Dave Chappelle wouldn't like it, but it's fine for you to deal with it.
I know. I know.
So

Speaker 1 there's this, I don't generally like them, but there's this one video I have saved on one of the porn sites that I saved it. Well, I favorited it.
Wow. And put it in a playlist.
Never done that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, I have. I figure when it's over, it's over.
And I always, when I look at my favorite playlist, it's in the corner right-hand.

Speaker 1 Always going, hey, Bob. Yeah, and I never click on it, but I know it's there.
What is it? It's this. Because when I first clicked on it, she was a beautiful girl.
She probably still is. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 Okay. Right.
And it was, it's the first,

Speaker 1 how do you call it? Transhuman. Trans person.
Person. Yeah, person is he.
Person. Beautiful trans person.
Sure. That looks

Speaker 1 the most.

Speaker 1 They look like a woman. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, but like, there's just... I know what you're saying.
You know what I'm saying? Like, sometimes when you'll see an Adam's apple

Speaker 1 on the girl. Right.
And you go, that seems. But you believe that this trans.

Speaker 1 From the waist of, I would probably put a billion dollars that it's not. Okay.
What's okay? Do you know the name of the point? I don't know. I think you do.
I don't.

Speaker 1 Something tells me that you see it all the time and you know exactly what it is. That's all I can tell you.
What's her name? I don't know the name. I bet you do.

Speaker 1 Because I don't know the language it's spoken in. Okay, so it's there and you haven't watched it.
Or you do definitely watch it. I've seen it.

Speaker 1 Seen it. How many times? Be real.
In my lifetime?

Speaker 1 I think I put it in my playlist. Why are you afraid to click on it? I don't understand.
Because you save it. Obviously, you want it.

Speaker 1 You're like a fat person that hides cookies, but you know, you're going to eat them at some point.

Speaker 1 It's like an alcoholic that hides booze. It's like, oh, this is gone forever.
It's like, just dump it out then.

Speaker 1 No, it's like having

Speaker 1 the comfort of being near. No.
You know it's in the house. You know, when you flip up that computer screen,

Speaker 1 it's always going to be there. Comforting you, knowing, I'm always here if you want to click me.
No, it's like X-Men.

Speaker 1 Go on. Right.

Speaker 1 You know, it's like, you know, why is Wolverine hanging out? He's so, you know what I mean? He's just somebody that you want to keep around.

Speaker 1 And things get like rough. It's like X-Men.
Because

Speaker 1 she used to be a man. No, that's not what I'm saying.
It's X-Men. No.

Speaker 1 It's X-Men. X-People.
X-Men to woman. No, what I'm saying is that, you know, if I was like Xavier, Dr.
X. Got it.
Right? You know,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 Wolverine is very like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Do you feel like you just want to tell me you like transporn and you're afraid to say it? I'm trying to find out an analogy. You don't need to.
I want to. It's better for me.

Speaker 1 Here, I have one for you. I have an analogy for you.
Have you done it? I have an analogy for it. Have you done it? The way that I

Speaker 1 hate pineapple on pizza,

Speaker 1 the strength I have for it,

Speaker 1 is the way that you love trans porn.

Speaker 1 Right. I hate it pineapple as much as you love transporn.
That's not true. It's not the same thing.
No, it's not. Absolutely not.
It is because I'm saying.

Speaker 1 I'm saying is it's not that big of a deal. I don't know.
When I open open up and stuff

Speaker 1 open up and I say, Have you though? Let me ask you. Yes, I've eaten pineapple with pizza on it, with pizza pineapple.
I've had that. You have seen the transporn.
I've had pizza with pineapple on it.

Speaker 1 Good. That's all I want to eat.

Speaker 1 No, get it. Can I understand? Okay, no, no.
Can I tell you, if we were being honest? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I clicked on a video. Yeah.
Did not know it was that.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Saw it.

Speaker 1 Saw some of it. That was that.
Yeah, that me too. I didn't, I never never come.

Speaker 1 I tell you why. No, that's a guarantee.

Speaker 1 I was about to come. Bombies.
Listen to what I'm saying. Please.
Did you come? I didn't. What did I do? I switched to it.
Quickly get away from it and then come to something else.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you will masturbate to it, but then you, if you're going to come.
To a point, and I'll just switch to a fucking Christian one. It's okay to admit this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's fine. Quickly, yeah, yeah.
I've never seen one.

Speaker 1 But I did want to be, I just want to debate you a little bit. Yeah, I know.
I know. It's okay.

Speaker 1 But can I be honest? Yeah. I've seen the categories there, and

Speaker 1 there's something inside me that goes, see what it's like just for exploration. You've seen it.
I haven't clicked on it yet. Yeah, you have.
I promise I haven't. I'm telling you as a friend,

Speaker 1 I haven't watched one, but I do think, why don't I click on that? Who cares? Why not? Let me see. Because you know what I have seen? What?

Speaker 1 Overwatch porn where the girls have penises.

Speaker 1 You know, Overwatch. You know what Overwatch is.
The game Overwatch. Yeah.
Yeah, they have like tons of Overwatch porno all over the internet. And you've seen.

Speaker 1 Well, in that, in the animation, they have the girls have penises and Overwatch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know this, this don't you Rudy? No

Speaker 1 You like you know what Overwatch is. I know Overwatch, but

Speaker 1 Overwatch porn. Yeah, it's a lot of like chicks.
It's a lot of chicks chicks penises stuff.

Speaker 1 That's cool. So I've seen that before.
Does that count? No. No, well, I try to.
It doesn't. Well, I try to be.
Look, dude, I try to join your thing. Yeah, it's not a thing.

Speaker 1 It's just one video from three fucking years ago, man. You still got it in your favorites?

Speaker 1 I'm going to delete it. Don't.
That's insane. How insensitive.
Yeah, I'll put it in a different fucking playlist. A new one.
Just a special playlist. Don't watch this anymore.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Stop watching this

Speaker 1 naughty list.

Speaker 1 That's on the naughty list. Yeah, yeah.
Can I show you guys one thing? Yeah, go ahead. A new comedy special that I don't think you guys have seen yet, and it's gonna blow your mind.
Oh my god. Okay,

Speaker 1 they're gonna piss me off

Speaker 1 in the the belly room, huh?

Speaker 1 So sick.

Speaker 1 The first

Speaker 1 Lee brother to put out a special. That's great.
That's a special. I've done Stand Up on the Spot 10 times.

Speaker 1 No, but he's making it a special. Hugh never said it was a special.
Oh, is that what it is? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
You think that was supposed to burn me or hurt me? It's my brother.

Speaker 1 I think Jeremiah did it to take a shot at you. Well, he has been texting me a lot lately.

Speaker 1 Now, no, Jeremiah,

Speaker 1 you asked me, hey, when are you going to do Scissor Brothers on my podcast? I go, I'll get back. No,

Speaker 1 never again. Never.
Wow, never. Fuck around.
I like to fuck around. I like to fuck around too.

Speaker 1 Why don't you call Jeremiah right now and say, I'll never do your podcast for me? Yeah, this will be good. You want to fuck around? I fuck around.
You want to fuck. Hey, start with that.

Speaker 1 Say, you want to fuck around? Yeah, yeah. I'm down to fuck around.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And say, Bob, say,

Speaker 1 you think I don't dance with the devil? I got a fucking trans porn video I've saved for three years.

Speaker 1 Don't say that.

Speaker 1 Hello? You like to fuck around? What do you mean, man? I like to fuck around, too. What do you mean, dog?

Speaker 1 You know, you like to fuck around with the fire, and sometimes people get burned. You like to fucking touch a sleeping dragon.
Sometimes they wake up.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? You like to do things to provoke, and sometimes there's revenge.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? I saw the fucking video you did.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Stevie leaves for special. Try to rub it in my face.

Speaker 1 Dude, I think he got funding from a studio. Look at that.
That's great. That's good.
You know what? Guess what, check? You're going to kill his baby. What's up? You're going to kill his baby.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 No? Okay.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not going to do that. Guess what, pal? Well, what's up, buddy? Yeah.
No.

Speaker 1 Do everything.

Speaker 1 No, what? No, I'm not going to do Scissor Brothers and yours. Other one.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Well. Yep.
Say it again. Well, you didn't respond, so this is good to get it in real time.
Yeah, I was going to respond.

Speaker 1 Nah, I don't know if you were. Yeah, I was.

Speaker 1 You're pretty mad at yourself. Nah, I was responding.
Oh, yeah, I don't think so.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I'm sure you weren't going to respond to it. Yeah, see, I said you a lot of times by second friend.
We've known each other for many times.

Speaker 1 Burned him, dude. Got him? Burned him.

Speaker 1 Fucking burned that guy. That's what he gets, dude.
He fucks with Bobby Lee. That's what he gets, man.

Speaker 1 Damn, dude. What a fucking guy, huh? You want to play with.
You want to play with the guy? You said you want to wake a sleeping dragon? Yeah. Woo-hoo!

Speaker 1 By the way, the sleeping dragon should have been your nickname. Slept King is not as good as Sleeping Dragon King.
The Sleeping Dragon is so sick. So good.
That's a merch shirt. Sleeping Dragon.

Speaker 1 Anyway, don't fuck with the Sleeping Dragon. You're going to get burned.

Speaker 1 You are. The dragon's going to wake up and he's going to.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know. I just said that, man.
And his tail.

Speaker 1 And his tail is going to. You know the analogy, though, you know.
And his tail is going to kill your kid.

Speaker 1 Why do you keep bringing his kids? Just kill his kid. No, his kid's grain.
Just kill it.

Speaker 1 It's not that big of a deal to kill your kid.

Speaker 1 Let his kid kill kill kill kill. All right, steal the kid and then give it to Rudy and see what happens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He dies.
That's exactly what I'm talking about. You're not going to buy it.

Speaker 1 You kill no kid. You're going to kill a kid.
Will you kill a kid for me? Yeah. Yeah, dude, I love her.
She's down to kill a kid. What's the oldest kid you'll kill? Like, how old is too old?

Speaker 1 You're like, I can't kill after a certain age. Too old? Yeah, like, oh, is there no age? No.
You'll kill a human no matter how how old they are. That's not true.
Love that.

Speaker 1 That's when you hold so many fucking babies and you love them. Be honest.

Speaker 1 But white babies. Have you held white babies?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 See?

Speaker 1 Different story. This is a white baby.
That's true.

Speaker 1 A white demon.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. A future insurrectionist.
Woof. Right? Yeah, January 6th comes every year, man.
We can always return. We can always go back.

Speaker 1 You know? If there was a baby right there, I'll be honest,

Speaker 1 and that thing was on fire, would you grab it?

Speaker 1 You would.

Speaker 1 I would. Would you?

Speaker 1 I think I'd let other people do it. Yeah, right.
You'd go help this baby. No, you wouldn't.
You would grab it. No, you would.
You're a good girl. You're a good person.

Speaker 1 But if that same baby was across the street in an apartment building three stories up and it was on fire, would you get it?

Speaker 1 Hmm.

Speaker 1 To be real. Is anybody watching? The mother's like, my baby's up there.
Can you help? Would you do it?

Speaker 1 You get up there. What is your baby? She has no leg.
No leg or legs? Legs. No legs.
Yeah. So is she in a wheelchair or on the ground? She's rolled up to you in a fucking makeshift fucking thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, and she's like, My baby's up there. My baby's up there.
I'm like, how did you go? Is there a secret elevator that you use? Did you drop down? Yeah, yeah. How do you get up there?

Speaker 1 And she's like, no, I, I, you know, there, somebody got me down. My wheelchair got stolen.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And now what? How do I get it?

Speaker 1 Would you run up there? I'd run away. She's not going to be able to chase me.
I know.

Speaker 1 I think about those things at night. Help saving people? No,

Speaker 1 like if a baby is next to me,

Speaker 1 this is the scenarios I think. I'm going to talk about babies all the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah. These are the scenarios I think about at late at night.
Yeah. So I go, would I, and I go, I would grab it if it was just right next to me.
But why wouldn't I go in a burning building?

Speaker 1 I feel like I would die. In a burning building? Yeah.
Yeah. Well, the likelihood is high.
Yeah. Something would fall on you.
I don't know how to get in, three stories up. Smoke inhalation.

Speaker 1 You'd get trapped. You get trapped.
Yeah. There's so many different things that can happen.
But if it was my baby, would I do it? I think so. I don't know.
I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't think so. I don't know.
It really depends. Your baby?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know. Fire is so hot.
Yeah. Your wife would have to.
She has legs. Get up there.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 How about this, though? This is real. Yeah.
This is a real, real question. Paul, no jokey.

Speaker 1 Someone is getting robbed. When we were in New York, right? We were there.
On the subway.

Speaker 1 Someone's getting robbed.

Speaker 1 You're going to help? It depends on what the rubber looks like.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Well, I have to size up. Like, if it's

Speaker 1 bigger than you? If it's a dwarf, yeah, I'd help. Okay,

Speaker 1 it's a woman, but she's much bigger than you. And does she see me? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, am I behind her, or does she, she does see me? She sees you. You're sitting down right there.
You're ready. She's robbing somebody.
I'm sitting here. She has a knife.
Some guy. Oh, a knife.

Speaker 1 She has a knife. Yeah, yeah.
Not a gun. She has a knife.
Oh, I would take her down. You would.
I would jump on her back. You would.
Put her in a rear

Speaker 1 choke. And what if she

Speaker 1 just stabs you right over the back of her? If I'm like this?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And here's her arm.
And she just stabs you right in the face.

Speaker 1 You really going to help someone if they're getting robbed? Yeah, but those are not thoughts in your head that, you know what I mean? It's an instinctual, spontaneous thought.

Speaker 1 I'm not sure if someone getting robbed, I'm turning the other way.

Speaker 1 I put my wallet on the ground. I go, go ahead, take it.
I'm not willing to get stabbed in the fucking face. I watch enough of these prison videos.
No thanks.

Speaker 1 But if the person being robbed is a hot chick, I would probably do it. In hopes that's something.
And she's like, thank you so much.

Speaker 1 My boyfriend is going to absolutely love you. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, by the way, thanks for bringing that up.

Speaker 1 You girls going, you know, when you direct message me, you go, hey, I don't know if you see these, this direct message, but can you tell Theo I've been direct messaging him? Like,

Speaker 1 I've gotten some from you, other guy comics. Okay.
I'm not a comedy pimp, right? Maybe they think I'm not going to relay any of your messages. Well, maybe this could be their future.

Speaker 1 I don't give a fuck, man. I'm not doing it, right?

Speaker 1 For me, I respond. Can I tell you, though? What?

Speaker 1 You would be great as a little pimp.

Speaker 1 Little pimp is great. Yeah, see? Yeah, yeah.
You got the attitude.

Speaker 1 Slicky, slicky pimp. Slicky, slicky, pimp.
Slicky pimp. Why, a lot of women have said, can you relate us to Theo? Other guys, too.
Do you know Chris de Stefan? All these guys.

Speaker 1 Guys want you to tell me. Oh, girls, girls, girls going, I've been trying to, I want to date him.
I want to fuck up. Oh, right.
And they'll always go, no offense. And we think you're...

Speaker 1 They'll always go, no offense. We think you're funny.
To me, it's going to hurt my feelings. But everybody wants to fuck you.
You're the most fuckable guy in the world right now. Really?

Speaker 1 Looking at that camera. I'm more fuckable.
You're super fuckable right now.

Speaker 1 Free little bird. I'm a free bird.
What do you think about Tito Bobby starting to, if he wants to date other people? Are you happy for him? Yeah, if he wants to. Do you get approval?

Speaker 1 I don't care. You don't give a shit who it is.
No, as long as

Speaker 1 it's not the same age as me.

Speaker 1 How old are you? 20? Yeah. So it's got to be older than 20.
If I dated a 20-year-old, that would be. Weird.
Why?

Speaker 1 Because we're the same age.

Speaker 1 What if he wants a 24-year-old?

Speaker 1 Half his age.

Speaker 1 Plus two.

Speaker 1 I guess. Okay, 24.
Okay, so 23 is fine then? No, 24. 24.
24. There's a bunch of college kids in the other room, by the way.
Yeah, but they're 20. How old are the college kids? 21.

Speaker 1 How old's the oldest one? 22. So all these kids that you brought, they're only here for a little bit longer.
I keep saying kids, but they're young adults. Right.
Right?

Speaker 1 I shouldn't belittle them. But they're all, the youngest one is 21.
Yes. So they're all grown-ups.
They could all enter the workforce and do whatever. What do they want to do?

Speaker 1 They all want to be in film. Right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, in different parts of the industry. Do any of them have a future? Be honest.
They're not listening. I don't don't think so.
Right. Yeah, I could tell when I walked by some of them.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 They do. They do.
They have a future. You want to bring one? See if one of them will come in here and say hi.

Speaker 1 Okay, who do we bring in?

Speaker 1 Will you put the headphones on? No, no.

Speaker 1 You want the headphones? Yeah, whatever. They're right there.

Speaker 1 What's your name? Madison. Talking to the mic, Madison.
Madison. Are you white? I am white.
Yeah, yeah. Hold on.
Let Pete sit down for you.

Speaker 1 Are you nervous, Madison? A little bit. It's fine.
You're going to be great. It's cool vibes.
It's a really good vibe.

Speaker 1 Madison, Bobby wanted to know if you were white. Good starter question.
I will have to know. You can't assume these age.
What do you think she might be? She could be native, but

Speaker 1 native white. Albino.
Yeah. Like original white? You mean like English? Yeah.
Yeah. Old school white.
Old school white. Right.
Yeah, yeah. Are you English? German and Polish.

Speaker 1 And what part of town did you grow up in? On what city? I'm from Connecticut. Wow.
So it's a lot of trees. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Connecticut's beautiful. Have you ever been to Connecticut in Connecticut? Hartford? Oh, yeah, you did the funny bone.
Yeah. Yeah, I get that.
That's where you're from? That's not really Connecticut.

Speaker 1 But that club had me once and they never had me back again. You don't want to go back, do you? Not really.
Hartford's not a great place. No.
No, you don't.

Speaker 1 That's not a damn, I got to get back to Hartford. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, but if you talk about like Greenwich, are you from Greenwich? No. You're from fancy people, right? I'm near like New Haven.

Speaker 1 Oh, New Haven's okay. Is that where Brent's from? Morning?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he is. Yeah, Brett Moran's from Overwork.
Yeah, we know a white guy from there. Yeah, yeah.
He's a good white guy, too. So, did you see any Browns or Asians growing up at all like this?

Speaker 1 Like this girl next to you? Did you see this kind of tree? You guys used to throw rocks at that, right? If you saw that, you would throw rocks.

Speaker 1 Get it down. Get it down.
Heard it.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No. My town was pretty diverse, I'd say.

Speaker 1 Oh, really?

Speaker 1 I would say.

Speaker 1 You would say she's like tall people, short people.

Speaker 1 Korean friend you had in high school. Rachel Moon.
Whoa. That's pretty fast.
And Moon is a cool last name. Yeah, it's a good

Speaker 1 one. Adopted a real Korean.
Real Korean. Did you ever go to Rachel's house? No.
No. What kind of friend?

Speaker 1 We were friends. Yeah, but not like.
She came to my house, actually.

Speaker 1 Koreans do that. They go to other people's houses.
Yeah, that's kind of part of their agenda. So Rachel Moon, you never...
Okay, so our. What about a Filipino friend? Filipino.
No.

Speaker 1 No. And even if she had one, she wouldn't admit it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why? Because you're bad people.

Speaker 1 No, I can't think of a Filipinos. No, there's no Philip.
I'm kidding, Brudy. We love you.
There's no Filipinos that all get up to Connecticut. How do they get up there?

Speaker 1 How would they get up there? Climb.

Speaker 1 You go north. You go upwards.
Decide. Very good.
All right. So, what do you want to do in the business, Madison? Madison? Madison.
Madison. What do you want to do in the business?

Speaker 1 Right now, I'm working as a digital marketing intern at a music record label. And do you have money? Like your parents give you money? Do you have money?

Speaker 1 What is that? What does it even mean? Because let me ask. Let me just clarify.
May I clarify? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm 20. I'm working

Speaker 1 at a record label. As an intern.
As an intern.

Speaker 1 There's half-eaten sandwiches and things. You're asking, how does she get any money to do anything? Like, how do I make...
Like, can you go to Chipotle?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, so the money, where did you get the money from a job that you had? OnlyFans. That's what all these kids are doing.

Speaker 1 What do you think all these kids are doing these days? OnlyFans all these clubs. That entire room is an OnlyFans club.
Oh, that's true.

Speaker 1 I had a part-time job back in Connecticut. Nice.
And you saved. And I saved.
Right. Because I've known I've been wanting to come out here for some time.
What What do you think of LA so far?

Speaker 1 It's been like three weeks and it's all right.

Speaker 1 Tell me the negative.

Speaker 1 I just think East Coast is the more superior coast.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Why, why, why, why?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I guess I am biased.
Yeah. It's ingrained into her brain.
Well, the weather's better. No, the weather here, the heat wave, though, was ridiculous.

Speaker 1 It was too hot.

Speaker 1 110. It was crazy.
It was too warm in here. Yeah, well, it's going to to be negative four in fucking December in Connecticut.
So give us a call and we'll. Our winters are brutal.
You're right.

Speaker 1 The East Coast is probably the city. We have prettier people.

Speaker 1 Would you say or no?

Speaker 1 I feel like it's so.

Speaker 1 I know, but if we took the top five,

Speaker 1 the top 20 best-looking people in L.A. compared to the top 20 best people

Speaker 1 in Hartford, Connecticut, right? Who would win that? Well, New York would beat us for sure. We didn't say New York.
You're right. Did I say fucking New York? You said Connecticut.

Speaker 1 I said fucking Connecticut. Well, we're going to.
You can't lump yourself up with fucking New York. Okay.

Speaker 1 I would probably say L.A. then.
But they do. They do.
They are New York. She is New York.
She says New York. I bet if somebody says, where are you from or whatever? Yeah, New York.

Speaker 1 Well, Connecticut, but New York. Yeah, I say Connecticut because then I'm like, oh, I'm near Yale.
And they're like, oh. Oh, that's nice.
But most Connecticut kids say they're like New York kids.

Speaker 1 But they could beat us in smarts, I think. Brains? Yeah.
We don't care about brains. We don't.
It's obsolete. Yeah, yeah.
Dude, this is my brain. Beep, boop, bop, boop.
I have one of these things.

Speaker 1 I don't need a fucking this. What is this? Yeah.
Mush. How about this? We're in restaurants.
Oh, guy. Restaurants.
We haven't really gone out to like too much here.

Speaker 1 But like, you guys were talking about pizza, and we are like the pizza capital. They are.
New Haven, Connecticut. We have Michelin star restaurants in L.A.
No, no, but they are the pizza capital.

Speaker 1 We are the pizza capital. Ironically enough, they are probably like.
Well, Hartford? No, no. New Haven is like the pizza capital of the United States.

Speaker 1 No, it is. It is.
It is. It is.
All right. I give her that.
It's a little unbelievable. Beat us and fucking pizza.
Really good. But they don't, but Connecticut beats us in nothing else.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 literally nothing else.

Speaker 1 They have pizza and nice people. Madison, you're 21? Yes.
Madison is ready to enter the workforce. Do you have a boyfriend, Madison? I don't.
Why?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Because she doesn't need one.
But do you want one or you just focus on your career and your dreams? Right now, career, really.

Speaker 1 It's like I would rather it just kind of like naturally happen. Well, there's a guy out there.
What's his name?

Speaker 1 What's his name? Cody's like our brother.

Speaker 1 You don't even know if she wants to date both. That's what they also do.
You don't know what she likes. When they like him, they always say they're my brother.
Oh, right. Oh.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you like boys? Do you like boys? Is boys your go-to or no? Yeah, you never know. I know.
Cody's cute. Cody is very, yeah, he's very cute.
Yeah, yeah. Very cute.
But it's her brother.

Speaker 1 He's just like my stepbrother, you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Don't do laundry around him.

Speaker 1 Don't get stuck under a bed or something. Well, I'll tell you what, Madison.
We wish you the most luck in the world. What do you want to do? We wish you a Merry Christmas.

Speaker 1 Thank you. You're welcome.
What are you trying to do in the business again? Digital marketing. Digital marketing.
Digital marketing. I bet you can do it.
When you do end up, if you ever.

Speaker 1 Because we need a better social media presence, don't you think? We need any of them. We needed a general.
In general. Yeah, these guys.
Maybe you can, in a couple of years, you can help us.

Speaker 1 I'll come right back. You will? You'll never move to LA.
She'll move to New York, if anything. You kidding me?

Speaker 1 She's in, she's going to go from Quinnipiac to, she's going to live in, let me guess, she'll probably move to,

Speaker 1 I want to say Brooklyn, but I think I'm going to actually say Queens. She'll probably move to Queens.

Speaker 1 And she will have a job in Manhattan.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 she'll get murdered on the L-train one day. No, no, no.
No? No.

Speaker 1 You don't have psychic powers?

Speaker 1 I do. Really? Yeah, he does.
I just need to. Okay, feel my aura.
Yeah. I know.

Speaker 1 You're going to meet a man. He's going to be a millionaire.
I hope. Right.
How many millions, though? One? Two? No, he's going to 12 to 15 million if he liquefied everything.

Speaker 1 Wow, if he sold all the boats and everything. He is 90.

Speaker 1 He's 90. Yeah.
But you never have sex with him. Okay.
That's positive. That's very positive.
That sounds great. What sucks, though, is that when you meet him, he's 90.

Speaker 1 And you think to yourself, I have five, ten more years. Oh, man.
He's living.

Speaker 1 He lives to 160.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's the first guy. And you signed a binding marriage contract.
You have to stay with them to the end, or they're allowed to kill you. But you can get side dick,

Speaker 1 sure, that's good. That sounds good, yeah, do your thing, yeah, yeah.
So, that's your future. Do you feel good about it?

Speaker 1 If it is,

Speaker 1 it is what it is,

Speaker 1 yeah. You kind of pinned it on her.

Speaker 1 You like did something, yeah, and I'm like, okay, I got

Speaker 1 it. I have a psychic title.
Oh, my god, you just did it! I just did it, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll definitely reach out to you guys.
Wait, he's psychic too. Tell him, wait, what are you gonna say?

Speaker 1 You'll definitely what? I'll reach out to you guys if it happens in my future. God bless.
I hope it does.

Speaker 1 You have something, my psychic, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. I saw it.
Holy shit. I saw the vision go in your head.
Madison, this is crazy. All right.
Hit it.

Speaker 1 You're murdered in Los Angeles by Fancy Beat.

Speaker 1 Oh, that was.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what I got. Wait a minute.
That's insane. You look like a nine-year-old man in my vision.

Speaker 1 It was him. It was actually you.
Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck. It's you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be careful.
Watch. Watch.
You're going to have a great career and a great life. And we wish you the best.
Thank you, Matt. Wish you a Merry Christmas.

Speaker 1 Thanks for coming to my show. Hope you found it entertaining.
It was, yes. Good.
Did you like his standout? I did. He's great.

Speaker 1 And thank you for wearing the bad friend's tie-dye, by the way. That's very cool.
We do want that back. You do have to leave that before you leave.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
So look in, look in, you can look in the camera there and you take us out. All right.
Thank you for being a bad friend. Very good.
Sweet Madison. That's so nice.
Thank you, Madison.