Asian Brad Pitt & The No Nut October

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Visit ZillowShowcase.com to get started. What is up, bad friends? I'm so excited to announce that I'm going to be doing New Year's Eve shows in Boston, Boston, Massachusetts at the Wilbur Theater.
We're doing it on the 30th and the 31st. So if you have plans on either of those nights, you get one night off to come see your boy at the Wilbur Theater on the 30th and the 31st in Boston, Massachusetts.
I'm so excited to be bringing in the new year in Boston. And tickets are going on sale this week.
They'll be on sale on Thursday. Pre-sale code will be Cheeto.
And then everybody else will get them on Friday. Open to the public, but get them early.
They'll sell out. So andrewsantino.com is where you're going to get those tickets to see me in Boston for New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve.

Andrewsantino.com.

Andrewsantino.com.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

I've been watching that show, C. I can't watch it anymore.

I hate it.

You know what C is? Yeah, it's's awesome you see the whole thing yeah yeah who came back to the show bum bum bum it's my little rudy girl rudy girl rudy girl she hit her head or did she get hit rudy girl? Bum, bum. Do you want to tell us something about your boyfriend hurting you physically and not talking about it? It wasn't like- He hit you in the head and we're taking him to court.
Yeah. By the way, two court things going on.
You know why Carlos isn't here? Why? Because he's afraid. He's scared.
He's scared. He ran scared.
Why are you going so fast right now? He ran scared. You're doing great.
You know why? Why? Because he knows he's going to court for the Kalilah case. Yep.
Oh shit, yeah, I'm pressing charges as well. I know.
He made love to her mouth. He made love to her mouth.
Do you know about this? No. You know Carlos? The Mexican? The Mexican that's here? Tongue kissed her.
He tongue kissed Kalilah. When? Oh my, you know what? She's playing dumb, isn't she? You're dumb.
I don't know anything. You're playing dumb.
Oh, you liar, dude. I don't know anything You're playing dumb Oh you liar dude I don't know anything

She's his lawyer

And in his mind

He was eating her pastrami

Like it's a fucking deli

It's a Jewish deli

All the beef

Do you have proof?

Oh yeah

It's on tape

Bitch

Where?

I can read energy dude

Can't you read energy?

Big time

And yours is bullshit

Your energy right now is bullshit

You know what dude

You're in the court case

Your fucking boyfriend beat you Put you in the hospital Why do you Filipinos take so much abuse Is it because of Manny Pacquiao And it wasn't my boyfriend Who was it It was someone else Name him It's either nobody or your boyfriend. Sounds like it was her boyfriend.
But I have a concussion. Yeah, you do.
Kit, let's find out if you have a concussion. All right? This is the protocol.
Okay. What year is it? 2022.
You're fine. That's it? No.
Is there more? Oh, there is? Yeah. What is it? What happens? Who's the vice president of the United States? President Kamala Harris.
Very good. You said president.
Oh, yeah. Vice president.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know what that means? She knows something we don't know.
We don't know. Is she really running the country? Whoa.
Creepy. Rudy, what's going on? We haven't seen you in so long.
Nothing. Glad to be good you're back Just nothing dude Did you come with anything No she did I have something to bring up You got emotional Over some of the attacks you got from that clip Oh yeah I had to delete Instagram Wait what happened The clips that fucking is it you who what happened yeah there was a clip of her not knowing about black culture and she got ripped apart on online what do you mean i don't even understand what the clip was was it she was saying something about oh were you talking about how much you don't like black people that clip no no no not that wait what was the clip she said something she was just trying to remember she was doing stuff with her hand i forgot what it was but like right and i asked if like you date like a black guy you have to know like you don't want to get attacked again so ease ease into it fancy brought a bunch of college students to the show today brought them to my show to go see me do an hour in brea he saw it uh not all them oh yeah all them? All them came Do you guys like it? Lies They hated it They didn't like it at all Two of them fell asleep Were they on the list? No, fancy bought tickets like an asshole I was pissed off Yo, yo, yo, let me just say something to you I know, get him him.
We rip on each other on the show, right? We tease each other. But you have to understand that we're a part of a family, right? There's no difference between you and any of my cousins, for instance.
A little different, but yeah, I know what you're saying. I probably love you more than my cousins.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You don't like your cousins. Right? And I and i would do pretty much anything for you right so if you paid for a ticket it's just weird okay right so from now on you just go hey i need this many for this show all right promise look at how uncomfortable he is so uncomfortable man dude in the philippines are you gonna be like this no yes yes No, No dude we're gonna bond in the Philippines bro Oh my god Yeah I'm excited You guys are sleeping in the same bed In the same room right? Sharing a room Are we staying in the same hotel or no? Yes Okay good Get a room with two beds Get a room with two beds There's no way Come on He's a He's not going to be like- Want to share a room?

Share a room.

Thank you.

Why?

That's offending me.

The budget is- I've seen your room before.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

What?

It's like riddled with cum?

What are you talking about?

Sometimes.

Yeah.

Well, do you remember Mexico?

Yeah, I was high and on drugs.

Yeah, you're using drugs.

I'm going to bring up another uncomfortable thing.

Why?

This is great.

Why?

Why can't we?

We're here.

I didn't say no.

I said yes.

You know what?

Sometimes we need a clean house.

That's right.

And sometimes we need to say what's on our minds and what's really going on.

I know what this is going to...

I know what you're coming to right now.

You believe...

The Jews...

Oh.

The Jews have taken over.

Okay, I didn't know where you were going. I had my own thing, and I thought we were going to be on the same page.
Weed? What happened? What, weed? You? No, Jews. Your replacement.
Oh, jet ski. I thought weed.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
This is all over the place. What were you going to say? What were you going to say? Jesus Christ.
I feel like you're upset that you think that Jet Ski has... Yes.

Well, let's talk about it.

There's some threat.

You're threatened by it.

I'm not.

Yeah, because you haven't been on in a while.

You think, am I getting weeded out?

Be honest.

Let's fucking talk about it.

Okay, I'll be honest.

I kind of like it.

You do?

You kind of like what?

That Juicy's here.

Yeah, yeah.

You like it when she's here and you're not here or when you're here together When she's here And I'm not here Alright Okay Amen I don't think that's how you feel Number two Who do you like more Doc or Juicy I haven't seen Doc in a while You'll never see him again I miss Doc You may never see him again I miss him a lot I like both But I Only met Jetsuki twice. And Doc.
This is a really good save because I know. And Doc I've seen for a while.
What she's doing right now. Yeah.
I can tell it's bullshit. It's bullshit.
I can tell. It's not.
I promise. Did you not cry in front of your mom on Zoom? Because of the racist thing.
But also you think you're being weeded out. No.
So are you saying the racist thing made you upset and sad and by the way i'm sorry for that i hope i'm i'm mad at the people she's not racist by the way well like watch trivia who's rosa parks the one that had to go to the the one the one that's not a good look the girl that had to go through the back of the bus but she she didn't go. And so, yeah.
Booker T. Washington.
I don't know her. That's not a woman.
Yeah, it's not a woman. I don't know her.
You know, you've met women named Booker? Maybe she thought I said Hooker T. Washington.
Yeah, I thought you said Hooker. That's totally fair, and that's also somehow even more racist.
Yeah, yeah. Rudy is not racist.
This show is a fucking comedy show. It is.
So what are we talking about? Rudy. Malcolm X.
Yeah, you know Malcolm X. Yeah.
What did he do? He's the one that's the same with I Have a Dream. We'll be right back.
Close. Yeah, no, yeah.
The same one. You didn't name the guy.
What's the other guy's name? I am the... What's...
I'm blanking. I know.
This isn't fair. This isn't fair.
How do you blank on Martin Luther King? Junior. Junior.
My bad. See, you messed that up.
Are you racist? I didn't finish my sentence, by the way. I didn't let you.
You're right. You didn't let me finish.
I got to tell you, you're not racist, Rudy. Well, you are to white people.
Yeah, I'm proud of that. That's fine.
Okay, there you go. And that's who you're attacking? Was it attacking you or was it black people attacking you? It's always whites.
It's always whites online doing all the damage. You know it.
I know it. We all know it.
Pete, dude, when we leave here, Pete spends four or five hours online talking mad shit. Oh, yeah.
Don't you, Pete? Yeah, all the time. see also pete i just on my spare time i look at the january 6th like footage and i try to see if you're there you know what though yeah him and i we got out before any of those cameras i know i think i saw your back i was wearing a mask so oh yeah yeah yeah yeah pelosi mess a pelosi mess that was you bring this up this is how you know start uh type it find out who who foundedelp.
Who found it? I got to tell you, you know it's a white person. This is a complaining website.
Let me see. It was a woman.
Yelp was founded by Russell Simmons and Jeremy Stoppelman. Who's Russell Simmons? Not Russell Simmons.
Wait, not Russell Simmons. Wait, what? Really? No.
No fucking way did that guy found, not Russell Simmons. Click on that Russell Simmons.
Oh, my God. Businessman.
It's going to show. Go back, go back.
Businessman as well, dude. Go back, go back, go back.
How about the white Russell Simmons? Put that white. White Russell Simmons.
There he is right there. That's not the same guy.
Yeah, that's Russell Simmons.

Right.

So what did we find out again?

Whites.

Change your name?

Yeah.

Change your name.

That's Russell Simmons. You've got to change your name, dude.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

Yeah, we already have a Russell Simmons.

If my parents' last name was Pitt and they called me Brad, as soon as I can, I'm Alexander

or whatever.

You know what I mean?

But it would be cool to be the Asian Brad Pitt.

Oh, that's different.

If I'm Asian, that's one thing.

Yeah, because that's cool. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the Asian Brad Pitt's the shit. If I looked like me, it wouldn't be.
Yeah. Fright Crub.
What? You're great in Fright Crub. Sebon.
Sebon. Sebon.
Sebon. By the way, spelled S-E-B-O-N, Sebon.
Sebon. So sick.
I'm Broadway. I was in Sebon, Bright Cup.
I was in Bulletin. Oh, love Bulletin.
It's a new one. By the way, that should have been an Asian Brad Pitt in Bulletin.
Of all people that deserve to be in that would be Asian Brad Pitt. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why is regular Brad Pitt on Bulletin? Yeah. Everyone around him is Asian.
Yeah. What the fuck? Brad Pitt.
Racist.

So this is Russell Simmons.

This is the point.

Who started Yelp?

Who started the complainy whiny website criticizing everyone's bullshit?

Whites.

Right.

Fucking whites are at it again.

Yeah.

This is why you don't like these people, right?

Mm-hmm.

Now, do you like me even though I'm one of them?

You're okay.

Thank you.

You are?

Because I'm a little bit different.

Yeah, you have red.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Now, how about Pete? I like Pete.ete okay what's different about pete he go ahead and say it because he has a bigger go ahead go ahead body what are you trying to say he feels like um a father figure yeah he looks like a daddy yeah Papa-ish. Now, do we trust Fancy even though he's not white? Well, he wants to be.
Let me tell you something, this guy. I've been trying.
Fancy's the best. He is.
Yeah, we do really love that guy. But we do hate whites.
Okay, good. Except George.
I like George george oh my god he's the most white that's

that's one that i think is put his kid fucking hates me why it's half asian he fucking hates me tell me who's this who's that who what's his name bobby that's bobby who is he The other day, George brings...

Tommy?

Is that his name? Bobby. That's Bobby? Who is he? Brenda.
The other day, George brings...

Tommy?

Is that his name?

That's probably why I fucking hate him.

Yeah.

You don't even know his name?

Yeah, yeah.

As soon as I walk in the garage...

Like freaking the fuck out.

Whoa.

Right, so then I had to put on Momoa.

What's it called?

Moana.

Moana. I had to put on Jason Momoa.
Just hanging out. Hi.
I had to call Jason. You know what I mean? Be nice, kid.
Look at these locks. But I had to put on some Moana.
And then he calmed down. But every time he would look at me, he would freak out.
And then Kalala walks in. And he's only met Kalala just a second time.
Runs into her arms. So I think I'm a fucking, I think they sense it.
No, no, no, no. Bobby.
They think they sense something. That's what all babies react to you, to Bobby.
Explain yourself. Like all the other kids.
Explain yourself. When you go in front of their face, they just cry.
Is that a fact? Yeah. It sounds like a fact.
Yeah. It might be a fact.
Yeah. But why do you think you scare little kids? I think because I look like a baby, but I'm big.
They think you're the biggest baby of all time. Yeah, so it kind of scares them.
In their head, they're like, well, he looks like us, but you know what I mean? He's so much bigger. Is this big baby going to hurt me? Yeah, yeah.
When they see me, they love me. Kids love me because I look like a clown.
Do they really? Yeah, they go, oh. They're excited about the hair because they can't believe the color.
It's shocking. How often do they see this, babies? They're like, it's it for real.
Yeah, and I'm like, come on, Georgie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I also live in a sewer, so that doesn't help when I crawl out. But when they get to a certain age, they like me.
Yeah. Yeah, when they're like 20.
No, no, no, yeah. I also live in a sewer, so that doesn't help when I crawl out.
Yeah. But when they get to a certain age, they like me.

Yeah.

Yeah, when they're like 20.

No, no, no, no.

I'm talking about like seven or eight, they begin to like me.

Because now you're a cartoon character to them.

What?

You're like, you know.

Like Jimmy the Cricket?

Like if the Lemonhead guy came to life and they're like, there he is.

Why the lemon?

That's good.

Because you're sour and sweet. That's good.
That's why. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But look, if the Lemonhead guy came to life, they're like there he is why the lemon that's good because you're sour and sweet that's good that's why yeah yeah but look if a lemon head guy came to life that's kind of you that's right i never thought of it i'm a live action yellow lemon head that's you yeah i never thought of it but how sweet and i and i look like a literal clown yeah so they think i'm kind of a cartoon guy too we you and i look this is cartoon characters that's kind of who we really are right right so little kids think we're funny looking it's sweet there i am yeah killed it in that movie there you are god i can i be honest you know i talked about this on the show you know i tested for that role did you really yeah i did and i be honest i'm not kidding you tested for it and i and i worked really fucking hard on it What? you and i didn't get it i can't what's it can you do you remember any of the lines or uh yeah like how did you do it you played it real you have to play it real okay so i'm being honest no joking around yeah i did do really well on this audition they actually said that they were like you did fucking amazing but they were being honest and they were like i think they're gonna go with skarsgård right that's what did his brother yeah yeah they were like they're gonna to go with a name, but the, the, you did fucking amazing. But they were being honest.
And they were like, I think they're going to go with Skarsgård, right? That's what did his brother? Yeah. Yeah, they were like, they're going to go with a name.
But I could tell you after the show who the casting director is because you know who they are. Yeah.
But he was like, you fucking genuinely, they were impressed. Did you go in live or did you- Live, and I did like a creature.
I like got down on the floor and did like a thing. I did like an entire performance because I wanted it so bad.
I really got into character. And I was like, plus, you know, I don't need to do anything to my hair.
And nobody laughed. Really? Yeah.
But look at that fucking hair. That's my color.
That's my exact fucking hair. Exactly.
They don't have to do much. No.
I said, just white. And I'm that white.
That's kind of my skin. Just give me a little bit of red and then I'm good to go.
I had one of those auditions where I thought I got it, but like I killed it. I didn't think I got it, but I knew I fucking crushed it.
Yeah, but don't you – so I auditioned for Bruno. Oh, really? Yes, as his gay boyfriend.
Oh. Right? You'd have been so good.
So before the auditions, I went to a thrift store, and I bought the jean pants that were weight for women. Totally.
I took both of my nutsacks, and I just put it off the side. You only have one nut sack, bud.
Yeah. Both of your testicles? You only have one sack, two nuts.
I forget. I put one sack with the two testicles in it.
Do you need to tell me that you have two sacks? Because if you do... You've seen it.
I know. You fucking see it.
I have. I just saw it.
But I put it off to the side so when I walked in, my sack is exposed. Right?

And as soon as I walked in,

the place just fell to the ground.

How did you not get that fucking role?

They said,

you're too well-known a face to get it.

Oh, fuck off.

So then they gave me the dictator after that.

But like-

Who got it?

Some unknown guy.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

But-

And where is he now?

I don't know.

See?

But I remember having that audition going,

I crushed it.

Yeah.

And you, and you- And I could have bet my money that I would have got it, but I didn't get it. God, you should have gotten that.
Oh, my God. Why haven't you and I just played a gay couple? A fun little gay couple.
That'd be great. Ugh.
And then, like, let's do it for real. We're too well known to do, like, on the on the streets why we can do it in a place where people don't know us i guarantee you and i go to like you and i go to the deep south or china or deep south they love us i'm talking about like i'm i mean like like rural rural i mean out in the middle of nowhere like a small town and if we put makeup on Lipstick Yes Let's do it I would love to Like a couple Let's imagine this A couple You and I moved to Appalachia You know in the mountains To a small town Yeah And we're new in town Yeah And we're opening up a small business Imagine how they'd react to us Right but it's Obviously You know We're making a cake shop here And we're only baking for gays Yeah Yeah.
And they're like, there's no gays here. Asians.
There are now. Yeah, yeah.
The only people that buy our cakes are gay Asians. Gay Asians.
So we're getting an influx of gay Asians. Right.
We cast a bunch of our Asian friends to come in to play New Gays Move Into Town. I'm introducing boba to this area, right? Hey, which boba do you want? I love sucking on boba.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those boys down there, they'd be sucking on balls at that store all day long that's all they do if you and i moved to the rural south to a small town and did like a character bit it would be fucking amazing amazing how long would you have to be out there for a couple of months we'd have to shoot a film it'd be a couple what do you think well let's do it it seems pretty it seems plausible he always says that, but it never happens.
Imagine what they'd say about him.

Who's that gay little French dude you brought around?

Yeah.

What about this?

Spanish.

They go, not to me, it ain't.

What about this idea that I had with Cho, but he doesn't really want to do it?

You and I are handcuffed with each other for two months.

I see why he didn't want to do it.

We can never take it off.

Two months? Yeah. So we shit together.
Sleep in the same shit together Sleep in the same bed Sleep in the same bed Take a shower together Yeah The whole thing How do we live? It's filmed How do we live? How do we live? We can eat By the way Can it be a week? Two months is such a long time How about a month? I could do Because the stakes are higher If it's a month By the time three weeks comes We're we're going to kill each other. What hand is cuffed, left or right?

Because we're both righties.

We're both righties.

So cuffing our right hand would be insane.

Then you could only use your left hand even more.

That would be even more frustrating.

Wait, wait.

So that's your right.

So one of us would be right-handed and one would be left-handed, right?

Well, we could face the opposite direction.

Oh, that's true.

So that's your left hand right there.

So you'd have to walk backwards when I walk forwards.

Yeah, we could do that. We would fucking murder.
You know what what i'd give up my fucking right hand for that for for proper direction just to do it i just to do it i would give up my right yeah because you know i could jerk off with my left hand prove it we'll do it when we do the show oh how funny would that be you have to hold the ipad i'll put the sheet over and i have to jerk off with my. By the way, imagine you jerking off with my hand handcuffed to your hand, and I just have to sit there and pretend like it's not happening.
Stand-up would be weird. No.
Stand-up would actually be incredible. Yeah.
It would be so... Well, we'd have to go back to back.
We'd have to just perform at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or you could do your act, I'm just sitting there. And then once in a while you go like this yeah yeah you like something i said and then or you could help me too yeah when i'm doing my i can say this i'll say your punchline yeah yeah but you also can give me tags and stuff you go who was i molested by but what do you think i'm down to do it we have to film it though we have though.
We have to sell it first. I'm not doing it as a fucking experiment.
No, no, no. Let's do it.
Let's sell it to somebody. Sell it first and then go, we're going to do this for real.
Get on it. Okay.
I think one week. One week.
One week? Yeah. He wants a month.
The kid wants a month. Buck up or shut up.
Says one last a month. Says fucking two.
We won't last a week.

Right.

We'll do it.

Two days.

But do we do it in LA or should we just go to a different city?

Where would be the best city to do something?

Because I don't want to be in your house.

And then where do you stay at? My house?

No, we would stay at a hotel.

Oh, we do a hotel?

For sure.

Yeah.

That's the only way this would work.

Yeah.

Because I don't want to see your wife and your dog.

And so that'd be weird.

I don't want to see your fucking dog. Oh, that'd be great though if I slap in the bed with you and your wife.
Between us. That'd be weird.
It would be fun. You'd be our little fuck.
Would she be able to sleep though? Yeah, for sure. No, she won't.
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Are you okay with all this, Rudy? I just feel like you just want to have an excuse to, like, fuck each other. Okay.
Okay. We don't need an excuse, first of all.
We can fuck any time. We can fuck each other whenever we want.
We just... He always makes scenarios about gay, you being gay, just...
Okay. All right.
Okay. What are you accusing us of? What are you trying to say? That you want to fuck each other.
No, we don't. No, we don't.
We don't want to fuck each other. Hey.
Double eye wing. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rudy.
Yeah, Rudy, no. That's not true.
We're just open're just open I promise you this We'll never fuck each other Yeah sadly we won't Sadly It's just circumstances Maybe in a different life In a different life It's just not worth it right now We've got too much riding on the line But besides We sleep together You sleep with someone you work with It's gonna fuck up our work relationship But I feel like Tito Bobby What? is gonna like

What?

do the first move.

Nope.

He would do the first move.

That's right.

You think that

Yes he would.

You're curious.

Yeah he is.

That's right.

Shut the fuck up.

Jules?

Jules keep going.

I just feel like

you're gonna bring

someone in the house

and it's a guy.

Oh so you're saying now that Auntie Kalilah and him are broken up that the first thing he brings home is a man maybe oh god you're making me so angry and can i tell you something you're really fucking trying to i'm into this like crazy no you're making this is actually a good theory what kind of guy what does he look like what is the proof i just have i just feel a vibe kids got intuition really you got vibed so you that as soon as you and Kaleila move out, it's going to be a sausage fest?

Maybe.

No.

And it's going to be a white guy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Really?

Yeah.

Where's your proof?

First of all, can I just say this?

Just to define myself?

I've made out with a couple of girls since I've been wrong.

And they have no guys.

Did you just hear what he said?

Girls? Yeah. Made out of a couple of girls since I've been wrong.
And they have no guys. Did you just hear what he said? Girls?

Yeah.

Made out of a couple of girls.

What about guys?

No guys.

Not in a long time.

No guys.

Actually, yeah.

A girl at the show.

Yeah.

Yeah, he kissed a girl a lot at a live show.

When?

In New York.

In New York.

One of our fans in the crowd, she yelled out.

Tongue taster.

It was hot.

Is that gay? You can still like girls and like guys. So I'm bisexual? Yeah.
Yeah. I promise you not, no more gay.
Not, never gay. I mean, no more.
I'm not selling it. Can I have that again? No, I think you're not selling it.
I think that's it. Can I have that again? Okay, let's see.
Yeah, yeah. Go.
What's the line? I don't buy it. What's the line? You have to be fed lines? Holy shit.
I won't be gay anymore. What? I won't be gay anymore.
I'm never gay. Anymore.
I was never gay anymore. Okay.
Go Hector. I was never gay anymore.
It's never going to happen. Okay? By the way, that should be your clip on Grindr.
Yeah, yeah. When they play the video.

I was never gay anymore.

I'm not going to happen.

Scroll the pictures of you just naked.

Yeah.

I don't, I don't, I'm not, what I'm saying to you is that I wouldn't be ashamed if I was.

I would be completely open. But he's saying he's not.

But you still think he's going to bring a guy back to the house, huh?

Yeah.

No.

Well, download.

Maybe to play like, you know, video games or play J Oh, that's what they call it. What? Jenga.
Oh, really? Is that a new street term? Yeah, new Jenga. You've never played it? No, I've done it.
Yeah, yeah. And then every block you take out, you put it in your ass? I've done that.
No, you put a dick, a block, dick, you know what I mean? Put your dick in? Yeah. You push out the blocks with your dick? No.
We put a dick in, put a block, and then you pull the block, and then our dick's cut. It just slides out.
It slides down. It's a fun game, dude.
Rudy, what have you been doing that you've been gone? Are you working at the bookstore still? She never did it. No.
You fucking... I knew you didn't do it.
Never did it. No, because they wouldn't give me an employment letter so that I can get my social security number.
I knew it. I knew she was going to bail.
I felt it in my bones. And you know what? I bet you some of our fans showed up to that thing because we told them to go.
No job. Yeah, I'd be scared to like.
No job. So you haven't been working.
No. You're still dating the same dude.
She's sleeping. The guy that gave you a concussion.
She's sleeping. And sleeping.
You're doing nothing else. Baking.
Ooh, what are you baking? Banana bread. Well, thanks for bringing some.
They're really good. Well, where the fuck is it? It's where the fuck is it with chocolate chips in it though why do you ruin it with chocolate chips what are you doing i like chocolate i know but you don't need it in banana bread people do this and i don't get it you don't need it it's too bland if it's just banana that's not true you put some butter on that bitch let it melt hot hot hot yeah here's the deal make one banana bread with chocolate and one without you put nuts in it no do you use bananas yeah i was just gonna say yeah yeah i mean you have to ask with this girl yeah you never know yeah do you use bananas yeah or is it plantains it's banana all right that's her home country food bananas yeah yeah what what got you into bacon why did you start doing this? I got bored.

Yeah.

And I've just been watching TikTok, and it's just all about baking.

So I tried.

You're on baking TikTok?

Mm-hmm.

I'm not on that one.

Yeah.

I've never seen one baking video on a TikTok video. Oh, I also, Andrew, do not watch The Chef's Table on Netflix on pizza.

Tried it.

What do you mean?

Turned it off immediately.

Why?

Tried it.

Turned it off immediately.

You watched it?

Yeah, I tried one episode. Bianco, the first one? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, why? No, I just... What do you mean? I, I, I, I, I...
What do you mean? I, I, I, I, I, I, I... You don't like it? No.
You don't like pizza? No, I love pizza, but it's just... I don't know.
What do you mean? I don't know. Fucking explain.
You don't like the... You think pizza's...
Anyone can make it? Yeah, they can. I know everyone can make like at a level like a high level i think they can i think pizza is a bullshit fraud i think it's a fraud i think it's a scam no because anybody how many fucking pizza restaurants are there around the world you're gonna make me so angry all right so that one the frereford episode bianco i think that's what it's called yeah In Arizona Right? Yeah So years ago My brother and I

245,000 pizza restaurants

But look up the one

In Phoenix

Bianco

It's just too many

I think everybody can do it

Let me just say a fuck face

Let me listen to you

It's not that artistic

Would you listen to me as a person?

Pizza

Go ahead

So I was in Arizona

And I ran into Joe McHale Do you know him? Do I know who that is? What is he? I'm trying to think Who he is Wait That's his name right? I love Joel Yeah yeah yeah yeah Joel McHale He was on the community Joel McHale We love him So I was hanging out with him And he goes Dude have you seen Been to Bianco right? Is that what it's called? Yeah And I go It's just pizza just pizza, right? I mean, it's just pizza. I go, any pizza.
It's not pizza, dude. Yeah, you go, it's the best pizza I've ever had.
Ugh, shut up. My brother and I went there.
This is before the fucking Netflix I saw, right? Mm-hmm. It was incredible.
We go, this could be the best pizza we've ever had. And then by watching the documentary, it sillified it.
What made it so good? It was the, you know how you eat something, you go, oh, this is fresh. Yeah.
The mozzarella, right right and there was something about the dough that seemed very like new yorky in terms of the texture of was it was it uh brick oven pizza yeah yeah it was just a really good pizza yeah okay i get what you're saying you're right you're right i've had so much you're right i think you're right of the course of my life and then you go to italy you have pizza there you have pizza here you have you have like new york's shit, and you have all that stuff. And you're like, yeah, fucking pizza, still pizza at the end of the day.
It's not going to wow me the way that like. But there's a difference between Little Caesars and that.
Of course. Okay, good.
But that's like anything. I just think they hype up pizza so much.
You're like, it's not going to make me go, fuck, dude. Not like a Chateau Briand.
One of these like crazy dishes where you're like, fuck, what had to go into that

was insane

to make it perfect.

You know what?

Why don't you make a pizza

and then prove your point?

Fine.

Would love to.

And it better be good, dude.

And I'm a pizza guy.

It's gonna be good.

I'm gonna make you

a very good pizza.

Do you have one of those

wood-fired ovens?

No, but I'll go get one for you.

You would?

For this show.

I'll make one.

You should put one at your house. You have a nice...
Your backyard could actually have one of those. But there's one that they have on the fucking thing.
They had one on a Korean lady in Minnesota. Yeah? And she puts kimchi on hers.
No. See? This is my problem with pizza.
Oh, that's why I bought it up. You can't start putting all this bullshit on pizza.
Why? It's not pizza. If there's mozzarella and some kimchi kimchi Is that good? It does not belong on there at all How do you know? Because I know Because ancestrally It just doesn't It has no business on that fucking And she looks sweet But I'm not eating that bullshit You're not? I'm not eating pizza So if I went to Minnesota And I think one of her pizzas places is called Lola And I go reservations.
I'm going to Minnesota tomorrow. Will you go? I will.
And have a kimchi pizza? Okay. Are you going tomorrow really? I am going tomorrow morning, yeah.
And you're doing the club there? I'm going to Minneapolis, yeah. I'm doing a theater there.
Yeah, so go to Lola. Well, when this is out I've already done it.
Yeah, yeah, and then we'll get the review. Okay, that's fine.
You get a pizza with kimchi on it. I'm going to put it in my phone right now.
Now I'm going to go. If you don't go, then you're a coward i swear to god i'll go all right what do i fucking care i'll go to but here's the deal i just don't have time i just don't like these experimental pizzas the show is great by the way i was being facetious can i ask you some questions what doesn't belong then go ahead i went to a place the other night um what's it called lola yeah hers is called lola lola pizzeria yeah i a pizza place last night, and they had honey on it.
Is that wrong? Cheese and honey? Just cheese and honey. Cheese, honey, and some sort of soprasetta, or some sort of weird...
Soprasetta. Soprasetta.
Soprasetta. Now, I'm going to ask you some fucking ingredients.
You tell me if that's a year or a year Chives No Artichoke No Bacon Like bacon from the Yeah So bacon Egg They've had pizza on egg Yeah they do Egg on a pizza Anchovy No Any kind of fish No Fuck no No Any kind of fish Nope Right No fish How about salmon roe The egg Get the fuck out of here I will Go back to your country I love it. No.
How about this? Instead of tomato sauce, chutney.

Get fucked.

It's not me doing it. Get hit by a bus and get fucked.

I'm not the pizza guy.

Don't get aggressive.

Get fucked.

It's got to be tomato sauce.

It has to be?

100%.

What about pesto sauce?

Get fucked.

The fuck out of here, you fuck.

Get hit by a bus.

Get hit by a bus.

Get hit by two buses.

Yeah.

Okay.

What about-

This isn't the rules of pizza.

This is the rules of Andrew Santino's pizza. Okay.
Because the rules of pizza this is the rules of andrew santino's pizza okay because the rules of pizza are vague i've watched the pizza show yeah and they go back and forth on what is actually a pizza what considers a pizza what's allowed to be on it it's it's it's endless it's an endless argument okay pizza historians i've watched that show and it was like one party says this one person says this roman pizza versus other pizza is different people have different rules andrew's pizza yeah fucking no way anchovies get fucked pesto sauce go get get fucked fuck yourself you're allowed to have these how about this we'll do this yeah why don't we do that i think that's a better game cheese what kind can i use american almost any kind of oh that's interesting i've never had an american cheese pizza but you know why it'd be down to try. Really? But not fucking artichoke.
No, artichoke belongs on so many other things, not on a pizza. Fine, let's move on.
Cheese, basil, sausage, peppers. Pineapples.
Fuck you. Hey.
You get the fuck out of town, man. Get the fuck out of town, pal.
With the fucking pineapple. Pineapple bullshit, you fucking Hawaiian.
So you don't eat Hawaiian pizza?

It's not real pizza.

That's Domino's pizza.

Okay.

Hawaiian pizza's Domino's stuff.

That's white trash pizza.

Okay.

So pepperoni, sausage,

mushroom?

Yeah, of course.

Mushrooms belong in there.

Mushrooms are delicious.

What if I use shiitake mushrooms?

I'm in love.

I ate shiitake last night for dinner.

What about those other mushrooms

that look like little white sticks and with the little asian japanese ones what are they called

that they put in um ramen yeah yeah get the fuck out of here i knew it those don't belong how about this how about truffle oil a little bit of truffle oil is okay thinly sliced truffle maybe

I got you there

I got you there

but it's very

little Nice truffle. Maybe.
I got you there. All right.
Yeah, yeah. I got you there.
Okay. The truffle.
Okay. But it's done very limited.
Limited edition. Very limited.
Very liberally. Limited edition.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right.
Yeah. Sausage, pepperoni, pancetta is okay.
Bacon is okay. Okay.
Meats are cool. Any meat.
Chicken has no business on a pizza. Lamb.

Where am I?

Grease.

I'm eating it.

So depending.

No, no, no.

I think it's got to be a red meat to be on the pizza.

Like a bison.

That's red meat.

Yeah, but I've never had bison pizza, but I'll try it.

Really?

So you're not opposed to it?

I'm not opposed to it, but it's got to be fucking amazing bison.

Okay.

But like chicken, like those barbecue chicken pizzas? Nothing from the sea. Like a scallop pizza? Yeah, like a lobster.
Go back to China. Lobster pizza? No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck no.
Pizza has to be simple so all the shit on it doesn't take away from how good the pizza is. That's the point of pizza.
When people put shit. Your heart is closed though.
Do you understand? It's clogged from all that meat and bacon. I know.
My point is that like in Japan, right? Guess what? The number one ramen place was for a while there. Ivan Ramen.
Some Jewish guy from New York went to Japan. I'll start one.
A Pudo is big. A Pudo is one of their biggest.
I know, but Ivan Ramen became a hit. And Japanese people went, you know what? You know what? I did the actual ramen.
You know what? Right? I tried. So this guy, the Jewish guy moves there, makes the best ramen in Japan.
This guy. That dude.
Does he speak Japanese? No. And you know what? You know what he used in there? Something that they would never use.
Tomato. What kind of tomato in a ramen? What is tomato? Raw tomato? He would just cook in tomatoes in it.
That was a thing that they would never use tomato what what kind of tomato in a ramen what is tomato raw tomato he would just cook in tomatoes in it that was a thing that they never get out of here ivan no but that's not the japanese the japanese go get the fuck out of here right ivan the japanese goes let me try some of them yeah but you're not one of those guys you're like get the fuck i'm og japanese i'm old school japanese right so if you were the emperor of Japan. Kill him.
I would have him killed. You would? I'd have him killed immediately.
I'm just trying to make ramen. Kill him! By the way, the moment that he's hanging, I'm sneaking the little tomato ramen.
I'm just like, it's pretty good. All right.
All right, so good. I just think pizza needs to, Fancy was shaking his head.
Pizza needs to be low-key simple. It can't take away from the, I actually don't like a lot of toppings.
I think pizza should be very low-key. You like margarita.
Americans put a lot of shit on. Americans put too much shit on pizza.
Yeah. No, margarita is delicious.
What about this? Let me ask you another question. You gotta just do like one thing is fine.
Can I ask you another question about pizza? By the way, basil. Basil? Mozzarella and basil? It's a goo.
All right. So I saw in another one of those chef's tables where the guy did this.

He reversed cooked it.

Just hear me out.

I'm already pissed off.

I don't even know what it is.

Yeah.

So normally, you know, you make the dough, flatten it out, right?

Yeah.

You put the tomato sauce on it.

Sure.

Right?

And then you put the cheese and then you put it in the oven.

That's not what this guy did.

Right?

You know what he did?

No.

So he fucking puts the dough down. Got it cheese no tomato sauce puts it in the oven takes it out and puts fresh sauce on.
Okay, I'm okay because the cheese cooked a little bit. It makes the sauce much fresher.
I'm okay. This is okay.
So you don't care about like... The order is fine.
The order can change. The order can change.
Yes, but it's got to still be the simple ingredients. Right.
You know? But also, cooking cheese on bread... Give me some more of that.
Yeah. You can cook as much cheese on bread as you fucking want in my house.
I put so much cheese on stuff, it's repulsive. Because I went to a place last night called Roberta's.
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Location The Lab.

Quentin only has 24 hours

to sell his car. Is that even

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What is this? A movie trailer?

He ignores the doubters,

enters his license plate.

Wow, that's a great offer.

The car is sold, but will

Carvana pick it up in time for...

They'll literally pick it up tomorrow morning.

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It's a new pizza.

There's one in...

It started in Brooklyn.

Yeah.

And they have one over there by the Air One now, right?

It's called Roberta's.

Roberta's Pizza?

Yeah.

Is it good?

I've been there two nights

because I've been watching...

Sorry, I've been watching...

I'm eating. You're going to Colorado and eat bison meat.
I'm eating. That's all I'm eating.
So then go ahead. So anyway, so I was, so there I was, and I was there and I was going, they had a thing in there that I'm like, what is this? And it's stretched mozzarella on the side.
Delicious. With oil.
Delicious. And then like a puffy bread, a dough that they cook and a side of anchovies.
Okay. Right? Yeah.
And I get this. I've never seen it before.
I don't know what goes first, how to do it. So I just pulled the bread up.
I put some cheese on it and put some anchovy and I ate it. Muy good, good, good, good, good.
Muy good, good, good? Yeah. I mean, it sounds good.
Muy, muy good. I'm okay with eating it like that, but that's a pizza i'm just saying that once i saw had the hand to anchovy i'm like oh this is an element that maybe the italians back in the day sure disregarded and i think that you know i bet they used it i bet they used it you have to open your mind i just don't want to that's how i both i feel all right that's how I feel about food and people And things I know what I like

But when we did the hamburger thing

You were open to that

With Juicy

That's because

And what was on that hamburger? Crazy shit

Yeah there was jizz on that hamburger

So why aren't you open to fucking

New pizza

I don't know it's something about pizza that means something

To me

It's because as a kid

Thank you. cheese on that hamburger.
Yeah. So why aren't you open to fucking new pizza? I don't know.
It's something about pizza that means something to me. Alright.
It's because as a kid pizza, it just changed my life. I don't know.
It was my whole childhood was eating pizza. Me too.
I love it. Have you been to Apollonia's? I love apples.
Do you know about Apollonia's Pizzeria? Seriously? No. Where's that at? Oh my god.
That's like one of the most famous pizza spots. In LA? Yeah all it got a lot it gets a lot of hype very very good it's down on like it's off a highland or labrea they're open for like six hours a day max they're open like three hours in the morning three hours in the afternoon when they're out of pizza they're closed it's in that little strip mall look at that photo of it to the third photo in or something like that fourth photo maybe no no go to apollonia's pizzeria uh this is a strip mall it's on fucking La Brea or some shit yeah look at that right there look at that that's it? yeah man wow it's like one of the highest ranked pizzas in Los Angeles County it's insane they're never open is it better than Hollywood Pizza on Pico? I don't know welcome back to the food show Vroom with Vroom you can shop thousands of cars right from your phone and have your next ride delivered straight to you.
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You don't eat pizza,

do you, little scumbag? I do.

I just don't care. You don't care about food at all?

Oh, no. You know what happened.

What? I know what...

Do you remember the story? No. Oh, yeah, you do.

What? When we brought your family

out. Oh.
She comes from the Philippines, first time in LA. And, yeah, you do.
What? When we brought your family out. Oh.

So she comes from the Philippines,

first time in LA.

And I go, you know what?

I'm going to be

the tour guide.

And I'm going to give them

tastes and sounds

and sights

that they've never seen.

That's kind of nice.

Right?

Yeah.

Anyway, we go to

that place in Echo Park that does deep dish. What it called masa have you been there like it yeah pretty good yeah so remember you and your mom and everyone went to masa i got two deep dish pizzas and i look across the table and what are you guys doing we're not.
It's because we haven't tried that and we're usually used to like just the thin fries. Birds, they're used to eating eggs, bird eggs.
Did they have any bird eggs there? Yeah, yeah. That's crazy that you didn't want to eat that.
And they didn't eat any of it. And I saw one of them just poke one with, like it was a line.
With a fork. It's too thick.
It's too much yeah you eat one piece and you're fine yeah it's delicious it's delicious i prefer thin crust no no yeah no no i get it it's good yeah thin is great i get you can eat thin more often but you should try that also it's like when you go to a different country and and gotta do it and you have to eat even if he's like these are elephant testicles you gotta try it you're in his homeland yeah so if i tell you to eat the Philippines. Even if he's like, these are elephant testicles.
You gotta try it. You're in his homeland.
So if I tell you to eat bird egg... If I was in the Philippines, I would do as the locals do.
I mean, that's the reason why he's never been to the Philippines. He's not gonna do it.
You just choose not to go there. And I'm afraid of fucking one of those lady boys because I know I'm gonna love it.
You know, Andreas and I are going Monday. Were you going Monday? Me, he's going.
Me and Andreas are going to fucking the Philippines Monday. I'm so excited for you guys.
And you're going to eat egg, bird egg? Absolutely not. You Spanish prince.
You Spanish piece of shit. Why wouldn't you do it? You have to do as the locals do.
We're doing it one night. One night, you should try.
Aborted eggs, no. Just try once.
For the show. Do you care about this job? Yes.
Well, then do it for the show. I guess so this job yes well then do it for the show i guess though see he'll do it make him do it while you're there they should put a roe versus wade for fucking duck eggs i know in the philippines this is out of control which side are you on i don't know which side i is that roe or is that way i can't i have no idea i can't know because that's insane to look at it's insane to look at It's just absolutely disgusting Look at that It's picking up its head Jesus fucking Jesus Christ It's insane And you literally would eat one right now right Yeah That's insane to me But deep dish pizza Nah Yeah Bird heads Fine Yeah yeah Pizza sauce Tomatoes It's amazing I have something to tell you though what i followed your lead i cut i'm i cut porn i'm done no more porn no why swear to god why i'm getting sober on porn why because i just don't i don't think it's good it's not and i find myself going to it sometimes i'm like i'm not even gonna jerk off why am i looking at this shit yeah sometimes i'll look at it without intent to jerk off like i just want to see what's on there so i'm gonna i'm cutting it out when it was when's the first four days clean four days i'm clean really well why don't should i you know do a pack i would love to do it together all right so i did it last night okay so day one no do it tonight what do you mean start again yes so should i watch it right now and then start again tonight no because i'll watch it tonight again and start at zero let's do that because I was planning on do it tonight.
What do you mean? Start again? Yes. So should I watch it right now and then start again? No, no, no.
Tonight? No. Because I'll watch it tonight again and start at zero.
Let's do that. Because I was planning on watching it tonight.
I want to jerk off tonight. So I would like to start all over again.
All right. So let's start from zero tonight.
Great. So tonight at midnight.
Last time. Last time.
Last time. 11.59.
Yeah. If you watch it at midnight, you've broken it.
Right. Okay.
Can I ask you this too? What are the rules?

No porn.

I know.

But in terms of if you break it, will you text me right away I broke it?

I promise you.

We'll have to call it.

I have to do the same thing.

So what's on the line?

Nothing.

$1,000.

No.

Yeah.

Let's see who lasts longer.

$1,000 cash.

We have to show it on this show.

And the $1,000 goes to something good. We have to give it to somebody.
We'll pick where it goes. Can I think? No, no, no.
I haven't agreed yet. No, you said yes.
Did I say yes? $500. $1,000.
$1,000. Done.
And it goes to someone good or something good. Yeah.
Done. Charity.
It's going to be for charity. Why can't I just keep it? That doesn't work.
Because that's not part of the of the pleasure Alright alright Cause knowing that I can take your money And give it to someone else Is great to me That's even better I just feel like you're gonna win this But we have to be 100% honest I am Alright I have a question Okay please When you go to porn Do you ever search gay porn? Bobby? No I haven't No Why What is your problem? She's just asking a question No I don't like it seems like a valid question it's like a fucking no because we're girls we also they do so I'm just curious do I google do I search for specific things you know what actually do I search gay porn I do women and women women gay porn what about guys with women? Guys with women who are lesbians?

Yes.

Just guy and guy.

Just one guy with one guy?

Is there a girl in the building?

No, just two guys.

Is a girl filming it?

Yeah, yeah.

Like a boom operator.

Is there one chick out with tits that's just...

No, never a guy.

Never a guy.

Have you clicked on anything unique,

like trans porn or something? I don't want to talk about that right now. So you can.
You say it if you have. Have I seen trans porn? Have you clicked on it? You see it.
I know you scroll through it. Have I watched it? So look, other categories.
There's like teen. There's old man porn, which we know you love.
Then there's solo masturbation videos. Then there's couples.
There's Transporn. Then there's- Just let me defend myself.
Then there's Transporn and you click on it. There's one.
Let me just defend myself. It's not, there's nothing to defend.
I'm not even defending you. It's fine.
It's totally fine. I mean, Dave Chappelle wouldn't like it, but it's fine for you to talk about.
I know, I know. So there's this, I don't generally like them, but there's this one video I have saved on one of the porn sites that I- Saved it.
Well, I favorited it. Wow.
And put in a playlist. Never done that.
Yeah. Well, I have.
I figure when it's over, it's over. And I always, when I look at my favorite playlist, it's in the corner right hand on the bottom.
Always going, hey, Bob. Yeah.
And I never click on it, but I know it's there. What is it? It's this, because when I first clicked on it, she was a beautiful girl she's probably still is yeah i know okay right and it was it's the first um how do you call it trans human trans person person yeah person is person beautiful trans person sure that looks the most i like most they look like a.
No, but like there's just I know what you're saying. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes when you see you'll see an Adam's apple you mean on the girl.
Right. And you go that seems But you believe that this trend From the waist up I would probably put billion dollars that it's not.
Okay. Do you know the name of the porn? No, I don't know.
I think you do. I don't.
Something tells me that you see it all the time and you know exactly what i can tell you what's her name i don't know the name i bet you do because i don't know the language it's spoken in okay so it's there and you haven't watched it or you do definitely watch it i've seen it how many times be real in my lifetime i think i put it in my um playlist why are you afraid to click on it? I don't understand. Because you save it.
Obviously, you want it. You're like a fat person that hides cookies, but you know you're going to eat them at some point.
It's like an alcoholic that hides booze. It's like, this is gone forever.
It's like, just dump it out then. No, it's like having- It's the comfort of being near.
No. You know it's in the house.
You know when you flip up that computer screen, it's always going to be there. Comforting you, knowing, I'm always here if you want to click me.
No, it's like X-Men. Go on.
Right. You know, it's like, you know, why is Wolverine hanging out? He's so, you know what I mean? He's just somebody that you want to keep around.
And things things get rough. It's like X-Men.

Because she used to be a man.

No, that's not what I'm saying.

It's X-Men.

No.

It's X-Men.

X-People.

X-Men.

X-Men.

X-Men.

X-Men.

X-Men.

X-Men.

X-Men.

No, what I'm saying is that if I was Xavier, Dr. X.

Got it.

Right?

We'll read this very like, you know what I mean?

Do you feel like you just want to tell me you like trans porn and you're afraid to say it? I'm trying to find an analogy. You don't need to.
I want to. It's better for me.
Here, I have one. I have an analogy for it.
Have you done it? I have an analogy for it. Have you done it? The way that I hate pineapple on pizza, the strength I have for it, is the way that you love trans porn I hate pineapple as much as you love trans porn it's not the same thing it is because I'm saying it's not that big of a deal when I open up it's not going to end my life have you though yes it with pizza pineapple i've had that i've seen the trans porn i've had pizza with pineapple on it good that's all i want to get it can i understand okay no no can i tell you if we're being honest yeah i i clicked on a video yeah did not know it was that uh-huh okay saw it saw some of it that was that yeah me too I didn't I never come I tell you what no that's a guarantee I was about to come Bobby just listen to what I'm saying did you come I didn't what I do I switch to a quickly get away from it then come to something else yeah yeah yeah so you will masturbate to it but then you if you're gonna come to a point and I'll and I'll just switch to a fucking Christian one.
It's okay to admit this stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, quickly.
Yeah, yeah. I've never seen one.
But I did want to be, I just want to debate you a little bit. Yeah, I know.
I know, it's okay. But can I be honest? Yeah.
I've seen the categories there and there's nothing, there's something inside me that goes, see what it's like just for exploration. You've seen it.
I haven't clicked on it yet. Yeah, you have.
I promise I haven't. I'm telling you as a friend.

Really?

I haven't watched one,

but I do think,

why don't I click on that?

Who cares?

Why not?

Let me see.

Because you know what I have seen?

What?

Overwatch porn where the girls have penises.

You know Overwatch.

You know what Overwatch is?

The game Overwatch.

Yeah?

Yeah, they have like tons

of Overwatch porno

all over the internet.

And you've seen...

Well, in that,

in the animation, they have the girls have penises in Overwatch porn. Yeah, yeah.
You know this, don't you, Rudy? No. You know what Overwatch is.
I know Overwatch, but I didn't know. Overwatch porn, yeah.
It's a lot of chicks' penises stuff. That's cool.
So I've seen that before. Does that count? No.
No? Well, I try. It doesn't.
Well, I try to be. Look, dude, I try to join your thing.
Yeah. It's not a thing.
It's just one video from three fucking years ago, man. You still got in your favorites.
I'm going to delete it. Don't.
That's insane. How insensitive.
Yeah. I'll put in a different fucking playlist.
A new one. Just a special playlist.
Don't watch this anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stop watching this. Naughty list.

That's on the naughty list.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I show you guys one thing?

Yeah, go ahead.

There's a new comedy special that I don't think you guys have seen yet,

and it's going to blow your mind.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Are they going to piss me off?

In the belly room, huh? So sick. The first Lee brother to put out a special.
That's great. That's a special? I've done stand-up on the spot ten times.
No, but he's making it a special. You never said it was a special.
Oh, is that what it is? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
You think that was supposed to burn me or hurt me? It's my brother. I think Jeremiah did it to take a shot at you.
Well, he has been texting me a lot lately. And now, no.
Jeremiah, you asked me, hey, when are you going to do Scissor Brothers in my podcast? And I go'll get back no never again never wow never you like to fuck around I like to fuck around too why don't you call Jeremiah right now and say I'll never do your podcast I will yeah this will be good you wanna fuck around I'll fuck around you wanna fuck hey start with that say you wanna fuck around yeah yeah I'm, yeah, yeah. And say, Bob, say, you think I don't dance with the devil? I got a fucking trans porn video I've saved for three years.
Don't say that. Hello? You like to fuck around? What do you mean, man? I like to fuck around, too.
What do you mean, dog? You know, you like to fuck around with the fire, sometimes people get burned You like to fucking touch a sleeping dragon Sometimes they wake up You know what I mean? You like to do things to provoke And sometimes there's revenge What are you talking about? I saw the fucking video you did What do you mean? Stevie Lee's first special Try to rub rub it in my face. Dude, I think you got funding from a studio.

That's great.

That's good.

You know what?

Guess what, Jack?

You're going to kill his baby.

No, no, no.

No?

Okay.

No, I'm not going to do that.

Guess what, pal?

Well, what's up, buddy?

Yeah.

No.

Do everything.

No what? No, I'm not going to do Scissor Brothers and yours other one oh well say it again well you didn't respond so this is good to get it in real time no I was gonna respond nah I don't know if you were yeah I was I'm not sure you're pretty bad at responding nah I. I don't think so.
Anyway. I'm pretty sure you weren't going to understand.

Hey, I'll see you.

I sent you a lot of text messages.

We've known each other for many times.

Burned him, dude.

I got him?

Burned him.

I fucking got him.

Fucking burned him, dude.

That's what he gets, dude.

He fucks with Bobby Lee.

That's what he gets, man.

Damn, dude.

What a fucking guy, huh?

You want to play with the guy?

You said you want to wake a sleeping dragon?

Yeah. Woo! Hot.
By the way way the sleeping dragon should have been your nickname slept king is not as good as sleeping sleeping dragon is so sick oh god that's a merch shirt sleeping dragon anyway don't fuck with the sleeping dragon you're gonna get burned you are the dragon's gonna wake up and he's gonna yeah i know i just said that to... Yeah, I know.
I just said that, man. And his tail...
We know the... And his tail is going to...
You know the analogy, though. And his tail is going to kill your kid.
Why do you keep bringing his kid into it? Kill his kid. No, his kid's great.
Just kill it. Let his kid grow.
It's not that big of a deal to kill the kid. Let his kid grow.
All right, steal the kid and then give it to Rudy and see what happens. Yeah, yeah.
He dies. That's exactly what I'm talking about.
You're not going to kill no kid, okay? You're going to kill a kid. Will you kill a kid will you kill a kid for me yeah yeah dude i love her she's down to kill a kid what's the oldest kid you'll kill like how old is too old you're like i can't kill after a certain age too old yeah like oh is there no age no you'll kill a human no matter how old they are that's not true love that you hold so many fucking babies and you love them be honest but white But white babies.
Have you held white babies? No. See?

They're f***ing. Imagine you hold so many fucking babies and you love them.
Be honest. But white babies.
Have you held white babies? No. See? Different story.
This is a white baby. That's true.
A white demon. Right? Yeah, dude.
A future insurrectionist. Oof.
Right? Yeah, January 6th comes every year, man. We can always return.
We can always go back. You know? If there was a baby right there, I'll be honest, and that thing was on fire, would you grab it? You would.
I would. Would you? I think I'd let other people do it.
Yeah, right. You'd go help this baby.
No, you wouldn't. You would grab it.
No, you would. You're a good girl.
You're a good person. But if that same baby was across the street in an apartment building three stories off and it was on fire, would you get it? Hmm.
To be real. Is anybody watching? The mother's like, my baby's up there.
Can you help? Would you do it? You get up there. What is your baby? She has no leg.
No leg or legs? Legs. No legs.
Yeah legs yeah so she is she in a wheelchair on the ground she's rolled up to you in a fucking makeshift fucking thing oh and she's like my baby's up there up there i'm like how did you go is there a secret elevator that you did you drop down yeah yeah how do you get up there she's like no i i you know there somebody got me down my wheelchair got stolen yeah and now what how do i would you would you run up there i'd run away she's not gonna be able to chase me i know i think about those things at night help saving saving people no like i want like if a baby is next to me i this is the scenarios i think about babies all the time yeah these are the scenarios i think about at late at night yeah so i go would i and i go i would grab it if it was just right next to me but why wouldn't i go in a burning building I feel like I would die in a burning building well the likelihood is high something would fall on you smoke inhalation you'd get trapped there's so many different things that can happen but if it was my baby would I do it? I think so I don't know it really depends your baby? yeah I don't know I don't know. i don't know yeah i don't think so i don't know it really depends your baby yeah i don't know i don't know i don't know you're so hot yeah your wife would have to she has legs get up there yeah how about this though this is real yeah this is a real real question no jokey someone is getting robbed when we were in new york We were there On the subway Uh huh Someone's getting robbed You gonna help It depends on what the robber looks like What do you mean Well I have to size up Like if it's Bigger than you If it's a dwarf Yeah I'd help Okay It's a woman But she's bigger much bigger than you.
And does she see me?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, am I behind her, or does she just see me?

She sees you.

You're sitting down right there.

But she's robbing somebody.

I'm sitting here.

She has a knife.

Oh, a knife!

She has a knife.

Yeah, yeah.

Not a gun.

She has a knife.

Oh, I would take her down.

You would.

I would jump on her back.

You would. Put her in her rear naked choke.

And what if she just stabs you right over the back of her head?

If I'm like this?

Yeah.

And here's her arm.

She just stabs you right in the face.

You're really going to help someone if they're getting robbed?

Yeah, but those are not thoughts in your head that, you know what I mean?

It's an instinctual, spontaneous fucking response.

I see someone getting robbed.

I'm turning the other way.

I put my wallet on the ground.

I go, go ahead.

Take it. I'm not willing to get stabbed in the fucking face.
I watch enough of these prison videos. No thanks.
But if the person being robbed is a hot chick, I would probably do it. In hopes that's something.
And she's like, thank you so much. My boyfriend is going to absolutely love you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, by the way, thanks for bringing that up.
You girls going, you know, when you direct message me, you go, hey, I don't know if you see these, this direct message, but can you tell Theo I've been direct messaging him? Like, I've gotten some from you, other guy comics. Okay.
I'm not a comedy pimp, right? Maybe they think you are. I'm not going to relay any of your messages.
Well, maybe this could be your future. I don't give a fuck, man.
I'm not doing it, right? For me, I respond. Can I tell you, though? What? You would be great as a little pimp.
Little pimp is great. Yeah, see? Yeah, yeah.
You got the attitude. Slicky, slick.
Slicky, slicky pimp. Yeah, pimp, huh? Why? A lot of women have said, can you relate this to Theo? Other guys, too.
Do you know Chris DeStefano? All these guys. Guys want you to say what? No, girls, girls.
Girls. I want to date him.
I want to fuck him. Oh, right.
And they always go, no offense. They always go, no offense.
We think you're funny. To me, it's going to hurt my feelings.
But everybody wants to fuck you. You're the most fuckable guy in the world right now.
Really? Look into that camera. I'm a fuckable.
You're super fuckable right now. I'm a fuckable now.
Free little bird. I'm a free bird.
What do you think about Tito Bobby starting to, if he wants to date other people? Are you happy for him? Yeah, if he wants to. Do you get approval? I don't care.
You don't give a shit who it is? No, as long as it's not the same age as me. How old are you, 20? Yeah.
So it's got to be older than 20. If I dated a 20-year-old, that would be...
Weird. Why? Because we're the same age.
What if he wants a 24-year-old? Half his age. Plus two.
I guess. Okay, 24.
Okay, so 23 is fine then? No, 24. 24.
24. There's a bunch of college kids in the other room, by the way.
Yeah, but they're 20. How old are the college kids? 21.
How old's the oldest one? 22. So all these kids that you brought, they're only here for a little bit longer.
I keep saying kids, but they're young adults. Right.
Right? I shouldn't belittle them. But the youngest one is 21.
Yes. So they're all grownups.
They could all enter the workforce and do whatever. What do they want to do? They all want to be in film, right? Yeah.
And different parts of the industry. Do any of them have a future? Be honest.
They're not listening. I don't think so.
Right. Yeah.
I could tell when I walked by some of them. No, no, no.
They do. They do.
They have a future. You want to bring one?

See if one of them will come in here

and say hi.

Okay.

Who do we bring in?

Will you put the headphones on or no?

You want the headphones?

Yeah, whatever.

They're right there.

What's your name?

Madison.

Talk into the mic, Madison.

Madison.

Are you white?

I am white.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hold on.

Let Pete sit down for you.

My bad. Are you nervous, Madison? A little bit.
Hold on let Pete sit down She's before you My bad

Are you nervous Madison?

A little bit

It's fine

You're gonna be great

It's cool vibes

It's a really good vibe

Madison

Bobby wanted to know

If you were white

Good starter question

I have to know

You can't assume these days

What do you think she might be?

She could be native

But

Native white

Albino

Yeah like original white

You mean like English?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Old school white.

Old school white.

Right.

Yeah.

Are you English?

German and Polish.

And what part of town did you grow up in?

What city?

I'm from Connecticut.

Wow.

So it's a lot of trees.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Connecticut's beautiful.

Have you ever been to Connecticut?

Hartford?

Oh, yeah. You did the Funny Bone.

Yeah.

Yeah, I get that.

That's not really Connecticut. But that club had me once and they never had me back again.
You don't want to go back, do you? Not really. Hartford's not a great place.
No. No, you don't.
That's not a, that's not a, damn, I got to get back to Hartford. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, but if you're talking about like Greenwich, are you from Greenwich? No. You're from Hartford? That's fancy people, right? I'm near like New Haven.
Oh, New Haven's okay. Is that where Brent's from, Morin? Yeah, he is.
Yeah, Brent Morin's from over there Yeah, we know a white guy from there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's a good white guy too. So did you see any browns or Asians growing up at all like this? Like this girl next to you? Did you see this kind of tree? You guys used to throw rocks at that, right? If you saw that, you threw rocks.
No. Get it down! Get it down! Hurt it! No.
No, my town was pretty diverse, I'd say. Oh, really? I would say.
You would say? say she's like tall people short people korean friend you had in high school rachel moon whoa that's pretty fast and moon is a cool last name yeah it's a good right rachel adopted a real korean real korean did you ever go to rachel's house no no what kind of friend we were friends yeah but not like she came to my house actually koreans do that they go to other people's houses yeah that's kind of part of We were friends. Yeah, but not like...
She came to my house, actually. Koreans do that.
They go to other people's houses. Yeah, that's kind of part of their agenda.
So Rachel Moon, you never... Okay, so our...
What about a Filipino friend? Filipino. No.
No. No.
And even if she had one, she wouldn't admit it. Yeah.
Why? Because you're bad people. No, I can't think of a...
No, there's no... I'm kidding, Rudy.
We love you. There's no Filipinos that all get up to Connecticut how do they get up there how would they get up there climb you go north you go upwards east side very good alright so what do you want to do in the business Madison Madison Madison what do you want to do in the business right now I'm working at a as a digital marketing intern at a music record label.
And do you have money?

Like,

your parents give you money?

Do you have money?

What is that?

What do you mean?

Because,

let me ask,

let me just clarify.

May I clarify?

Yeah.

I'm 20.

I'm working

at a record label.

As an intern.

As an intern.

There's half-eaten sandwiches

and things.

You're asking, how does she get any money to do anything? Like how do I make like can you go to Chipotle? Yeah. Like so the money, where'd you get the money from? A job that you met? OnlyFans.
That's what all these kids are doing. What do you think all these kids are doing these days? That entire room is an OnlyFans club.
Oh that's true. I had a part-time job back in Connecticut.
And you And I saved. Right.
Because I've known I've been wanting to come out here for some time. What do you think of LA so far? It's been like three weeks and it's all right.
What? Tell me the negative. I just think East Coast is the more superior coast.
I don't know. I don't know.
Why? Why? Why? Why? I don't know. I guess I am biased.

Yeah, it's ingrained into her brain.

Well, the weather's better.

No, the weather here, the heat wave, though, was ridiculous.

Oh, it was too hot.

110.

It was too warm in here.

Yeah, well, it's going to be negative four in fucking December in Connecticut.

So give us a call.

Our winters are brutal.

You're right.

The East Coast is probably the superior coast. We have prettier people.
Would you say or no? I feel like it's so... I know, but if we took the top five, the top 20 best looking people in LA compared to the top 20 best looking people in Hartford, Connecticut, right? Who would win that? Well, New York would beat us for sure.

We didn't say New York.

You're right.

Did I say fucking New York?

You said Connecticut.

I said fucking Connecticut.

You can't lump yourself up with fucking New York.

Okay.

That's not fair.

I would probably say LA then.

But they do.

They do.

They are New York.

She is New York.

She says New York.

I bet if somebody says where are you from or whatever, she says New York.

Well, Connecticut, but New York.

Yeah, I say Connecticut because then I'm like, oh, I'm near Yale.

And they're like, oh. Oh, that's nice.
nice. But most Connecticut kids say they're like New York kids.
But they could beat us in smarts, I think. Brains? Yeah.
We don't care about brains. We don't.
It's obsolete. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, this is my brain. Beep, boop, boop, boop.
I have one of these things. I don't need a fucking this.
What is this? Yeah. Mush.
How about this? We're in restaurants. Okay.
Restaurants. we haven't really gone out to like too much here but like you guys were talking about pizza and we are like the pizza capital they are yeah haven we have michelin star restaurants in la no no but they are the pizza we are the pizza ironically enough they are probably like hartford no no new haven is like pizza capital of the united states fuck no it is it is, it is, it is, it is, it is.
All right, I give her that. It's a little undefeated.
They beat us in fucking pizza. It's really good.
But Connecticut pizza's in nothing else. Yeah.
Literally nothing else. That's all we have.
They have pizza and nice people. Madison, you're 21? Yes.
Madison is ready to enter the workforce. You have a boyfriend, Madison? I don't.
Why? I don't know. Because she doesn't need one.
But do you want one, or do you just focus on your career and your dreams? Right now career really It's like I would rather it just kind of like naturally happen But there's a guy out there What's his name? What's his name? Cody's like our brother You don't even know if she wants to date boys That's what they all say You don't know what she likes When they like them they always say they're my brother Oh right Oh Yeah yeah Do you like boys? Is boys your go-to or no? Yes. Yeah, you never know.
I know. Cody's cute.
Cody is very, yeah, he's very cute. Yeah, yeah.
Very cute. But it's her brother.
You know, it's her, it's, he's just like my stepbrother, you know? Yeah. Don't do laundry around him.
Don't get stuck under a bed or something. Well, I'll tell you what, Madison, we wish you the most luck in the world.
What do you want to do? We wish you a Merry Christmas Thank you What are you trying to do in the business again? Digital marketing I bet you can do it We need a better social media presence We need any of them We need it in general Maybe in a couple years you can help us I'll come right back You'll never move to LA She'll move to New York if anything She's going to go from Quinnipiac She's going to live in She'll probably move to I want to say Brooklyn But I think I'm going to actually say Queens She'll probably move to Queens And she will have a job in Manhattan And She'll get Murdered on the L train one day. No, no, no.
No? No. You know I have psychic powers? I do.
Really? Yeah, he does. I just need to.
Okay. Feel my aura, yeah.
I know. You're going to meet a man.
He's going to be a millionaire. I hope.
Right? How many millions? One, two? No, he's going to 12 to right how many millions one two no he's gonna

12 to 15 millions if he liquidified everything wow if he sold all the boats and everything he is 90 he's 90 yeah but you never have sex with him okay right positive that's very positive that sounds great what sucks though is that when you meet him he's 90 and you think you think to yourself

I have five

ten more years

right

he's living

he lives to

160

whoa 90 and you think to yourself, I have five, ten more years.

Right?

He's living. He lives to 160.

Whoa.

Yeah, he's the first guy.

And he signed a binding marriage contract

where you have to stay with them to the end

or they're allowed to kill you.

But you can get side dick.

Sure, that's good.

Side dick's good.

Yeah, do your thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's your future.

Do you feel good about it?

It is what it is. It is what it is.
It is do your thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that's your future. Do you feel good about it? It is what it is.

It is what it is.

It is what it is.

Yeah, you kind of pinned it on her.

You like did something.

Yeah.

I'm like, okay.

I got it.

Look at me.

I have a psychic.

Oh my God, you just did it?

I just did it.

You just did it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll definitely reach out to you guys.

Well, he's psychic too.

Tell him.

Wait, what did you say?

You'll definitely what?

I'll reach out to you guys if it happens in my future.

God bless.

I hope it does.

You have something? My psychic? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm is crazy all right hit it you're murdered in los angeles Fancy B Oh, that was Yeah That's what I got Wait a minute, that's insane You look like a nine-year-old man in my vision thing It was him It was actually you Oh, fuck Oh, fuck, it's you Yeah, yeah, yeah Be careful, watch You're gonna have a great career and a great life, and we wish you the best. Thank you.

Wish you a Merry Christmas.

Thanks for coming to my show.

Hope you found it entertaining.

It was, yes.

Good.

Did you like his standout?

I did.

He's great.

And thank you for wearing the Bad Friends tie-dye, by the way.

That's very cool.

We do want that back.

You do have to leave that before you leave.

Of course, that is fine.

Okay, so you can look in the camera there,

and you take us out.

All right.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Very good.

Sweet Madison.

That's so nice.

Thank you, Madison. Thank you.
Woo-hoo. Yeah.

Woo-hoo.