The Dark Side Of Bobby Lee

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 4 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 4 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 4 We're bad friends. No, I mean, they're both, you guys are both getting kind of famous.
Well, let's start to roll. Are we rolling, by the way?

Speaker 5 I got recognized at the Austin airport.

Speaker 4 Are we rolling right now? But you're getting kind of famous. I mean, not as famous as us.
We're like, we're like the. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Like in the Beatles. If we were the Beatles, we would be John? Me?

Speaker 4 John? Ringo. No, no, no.

Speaker 4 That's Ringo. Oh, hey, Ring.
Yeah, the Ring. That's the juice.

Speaker 4 Okay, I'd be Lenny. You're John.
Yeah, I'd be Lennon and you be Paul. For sure.
Paul, for sure. Yeah, for sure.
I don't have the doughy eyes.

Speaker 4 Well, also, I die at some point earlier than you on accident. Yeah, that's true.
That's true. But who's George? George.
Oh, George Kimmel. Yeah.
George is George Kim.

Speaker 4 So Carlos is Pete Best, the drummer that... Without a doubt.
Without a doubt.

Speaker 4 And Carlos is what? And you mean fancy? I'm Paul. What? I mean, fancy is.
You think you're Paul? I'm Paul. You really think so? So, not Paul.
You're so far from Paul, it's insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 You know who you are? You're one of the recording engineers.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I guess so. You may have you recorded Abby Rhode.
That's Phil Spector. You're Phil Spector.
Okay. Is Phil Spector a part of it? No, but we'll say he is.

Speaker 4 No, who knows? Who's the fucking like engineer, the composer, engineer, producer guy that's super famous, that was a part of the Beatles? George Martin. There it is.

Speaker 4 George Martin. Yeah, you're George Martin.
Yeah. Are you? Oh, is she Yoko? You're Yoko.
No way. No way.

Speaker 2 Because Yoko is like the one who broke up the group.

Speaker 4 No. If anything, I say, you know, they.
That's not the real reason. The reason why you say that is because you don't want to be Asian.
What? Yeah.

Speaker 4 Who does? I know, but that's the real reason. Look at my eyes.
Is that the truth? Look into those Asian eyes. Look at my little Asian eyes.

Speaker 4 Is it because if she was what if Yoko was white or Mexican or black, you'd rather be Yoko. But because she's Asian, be honest with me.
Look at my eyes.

Speaker 4 She's not racist. You're not racist? No, she loves Asians.
You do? She works with one at the store. Real quick, name me three Asians that you know.
Go.

Speaker 2 Bobby Lee's. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Not baby.

Speaker 4 You're Asian. That's fair.
No, that's true. Okay, go.

Speaker 2 And Stevie Weavy. Yes.

Speaker 4 That's my brother. Okay.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you're right.

Speaker 4 That's all I can think of.

Speaker 4 But to be honest with you, isn't that the only two she needs to know? That is true. That's fair.

Speaker 4 That's very fair. Yeah, yeah.
She's not racist because she wanted to party. Name me five Asians.
Name me five Asians. Don't repeat the question.
Steven Young, Ali Wong,

Speaker 4 Shang Wang,

Speaker 4 Yu, and Stevie Weeby.

Speaker 4 Very good. Very good.
And Jimmy O-Yang. Very good.
And Steve Byrne, who's half. Does that count or no? No, it doesn't count.
Okay. And Ken Jong.
That's totally. That's fine.
And Michelle Yeo. You won.

Speaker 4 Okay. Yeah, you beat her.

Speaker 4 Not only is she not racist, she wanted to hang real bad with someone who we chatted up with this weekend. We were going to go to their show, but we couldn't because we were performing.

Speaker 4 Who do we hit up? Who hit us up? Lil Pump. Lil Pump? What's Pump? Lil Pump.
Super famous for that. I'm a big fan of Big Pump.
Oh, you like Lil Pump? I love Lil Pump.

Speaker 4 I don't like Lil Pump.

Speaker 4 Lil Pump was in Salt Lake City. Oh, shit.
Lil Pump was in Salt Lake City when we were there and legitimately hit us up and was like, yo, come to my show. And I was like, we have two shows.

Speaker 4 So we couldn't have gone. And then we tried to go to the after-party, but instead, we went to an after-party with a staff at Salt Lake.

Speaker 4 We got drunk and we talked about periods for two and a half hours. And also, you guys fucking called me.
Yo, so a shit party. Don't call me from a shit party.
No, no, what?

Speaker 4 Some fucking club manager's fucking apartment. First of all, dude, it was a server's townhouse.

Speaker 4 Oh, my bad.

Speaker 4 My bad. No, no, no.
I thought it was just a regular house. And it was a very nice townhouse.
Very nice. Yeah.
And

Speaker 4 then you called me and you were like, hey, so we're here. I just wanted to say hi because we.
And I'm like, what's up? This is the conversation. Literally.
Ring, ring. I picked it up.
We're here.

Speaker 4 No, you called me twice. I did.
I ignored the first one. You did.
Right? I ignored the first one. That's right.
Ring, ring, second time, right? What's up? Hey, we're here. Where?

Speaker 4 Manager's townhouse. Cool.

Speaker 4 Bye.

Speaker 4 That was it. So rude.
I just wanted to say hi because I missed you. Yeah, yeah.
You're drunk. You do that when you're drunk.
Was I drunk?

Speaker 2 Honestly, don't remember even calling.

Speaker 4 She was wasting time.

Speaker 4 Trucey was shit-faced. We had a full conversation on the car ride home.
I was like, you remember any of that? She's like, no. You don't remember.

Speaker 4 Well, I remember. And she drove.
No, I did not.

Speaker 2 You called me.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you did. Yeah, yeah, I did.
Let me ask you something. Oh, don't skip over that.

Speaker 4 Let's talk about that phone call.

Speaker 2 That was a really nice phone call.

Speaker 4 Can I call you? No, I loved it.

Speaker 2 I got a call from Bobby.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he goes,

Speaker 4 he goes, easy.

Speaker 2 Are you having a good time? I said, yeah, I'm having a great time. Santino's on stage right now.
Can you hear him? And you go, yeah, yeah, I don't want to listen to him.

Speaker 4 I want to talk to you about something. And then I thought that was funny.
And then what did I say?

Speaker 2 Then you said,

Speaker 2 you're having a good time. I said, yeah, I'm having the time of my life.
And you said, they go crazy for you when they called your name. I said, yeah, they went nuts.

Speaker 4 They went nuts.

Speaker 2 They went insane. And you were like, I think very fast things are going to change for you and and just be ready for a lot of new opportunities and i just want you to know who did it for you

Speaker 4 which i haven't said once literally i've never said that yes you yes you did yes you did that is blasphemy no no no no no no no this is the real you broaderable is that a word incorrigible yeah yeah you're being incorrigible okay but you're learning new words yeah yeah that's a good thing you're being um are new words in video games somehow yeah yeah yeah it's um Warzone, that's what they say.

Speaker 4 Warzone. I killed you.
You're incorrigible. That's incorrigible.
Let me ask you. He doesn't know what that means.
Incorrigible. What is that?

Speaker 4 A person, their tendency is not able to be corrected, improved, or reformed. That's exactly what it is.
Well, that's what I meant.

Speaker 4 I never said that. You are incorrigible.
Never said that. Be a great name for your special that you'll never put out.

Speaker 2 I thought it was a great phone call.

Speaker 4 It was really nice. She loved it.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 2 And then I said that no matter how famous I get, you'll always be more famous than me.

Speaker 4 But you'll always be my baby. And then what did I say after that? Do doo doo.

Speaker 4 Oh,

Speaker 4 you started. Do you remember what I said after that? You said it doesn't always work out that way.
It doesn't always work out that way. Yeah.
To give you opportunity.

Speaker 2 But I'm purposely going to hold myself back so I'll never get more famous than you because that's how much I respect you.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Now let's talk about, let me ask you something.
If you met Lil Pump, Juicy, would you let him do a little pump? What do you mean? Like out me?

Speaker 4 She's in a loving relationship right now. Be honest.

Speaker 2 No, I'm glad we didn't go to the party though because then she would have fucked.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I would have fucked Lil Pump. No.
No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 2 Would you fuck Little Pump? No, but I would probably get really fucked up, like doing drugs.

Speaker 4 We were going to definitely get fucked up. Yeah.
If we went to there, if we go to Little Pump's thing, we're going to get fucking out. We're going to go out, out.

Speaker 2 I mean, I got drunk at the manager's house.

Speaker 4 Let me ask you something. Would I be able to get into Little Pump or no? I don't think so.
Yeah, I can't. I don't know.
He did. When he DM'd me, he said, he goes, Is the noodle with you?

Speaker 4 And I said, No. And he goes, He's

Speaker 4 TG. Thank God.
Yeah. TG.
No, we had a really good time. Yeah.
We ate some really good dinners. We had some fun in Salt Lake City, sold-out shows, and Juicy ripped how many how many minutes?

Speaker 4 Svenzik, 20. Yeah, and you ripped.
Yeah, yeah, she ripped.

Speaker 2 It was really funny. Yeah, it's a lot easier when the crowd already likes you.

Speaker 4 You know, I was thinking about it. They did.
I would say 70% of the crowd knew who she was. It's interesting.
Comedy is harder when no one knows who the fuck you are. Of course it is.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 I just remember those days where it's like, you had to prove it. Yeah.
It takes you five, 10 minutes just to like you. So it's like, I kind of miss, don't you miss that? No, trust me.
No, not at all.

Speaker 4 Well, you don't miss like, you know, I can't wait. I'm going to, I'm going to improve my world.
I think, no, see, I think

Speaker 4 we had this conversation.

Speaker 4 I think there is this weird breaking point where once they do know you, then you really do have to prove yourself again because it's like they paid really good money to see you do a whole hour versus when they didn't know you and you get 10 minutes at a time or 15 to try to earn this love and

Speaker 4 humor and respect. Then now they pay to see you.
So their expectation is high. They want, you better do well.

Speaker 4 If you don't do well and they paid all that money to do that thing, they're fucking let down. They can't, you can't let them down.
So to me, it's the same as back then.

Speaker 4 It's just now they, they're more apt to want you to win. But if you don't perform, you're fucked.
I know. Then they're never coming back to see you again.
They're never buying your tickets.

Speaker 4 They check out. So it's just as hard.
It's just a different kind of challenge. Yeah.
I would see that on a big scale. When I would tour with bigger names, you'd see those big names.

Speaker 4 They would still get a little anxious before shows because they're like, well, the expectations are through the roof. You have to deliver.

Speaker 4 You have have to deliver i hate that's the that's the worst part of headlining i love it i know you do the pressure

Speaker 4 well the pressure is great you gotta go you gotta do it you have to when i when i would feature

Speaker 4 walk in the park oh it's so fun you got no pressure you just get to hit home runs and then go home yeah yeah i always want to feature

Speaker 4 new york was fun new york was so much fun my favorite part was the seller Yeah, going to the seller was amazing. Because you and I are back to back.
Right.

Speaker 4 That was the second time you ever did the seller. Second time I've ever done it.
And I didn't do that cellar, though. I did the original cellar.
Well, there's two cells now.

Speaker 4 We did the Village Underground. Yeah.
The Village Underground. It's like 10 times the size.
It's not that big. But did you? I went into the little cellar, the original one.

Speaker 4 It's so small. It's like 50.
It's the size of this fucking room here. It's smaller, yeah.
It's

Speaker 2 only seen that one. Where you go down the stairs and it's

Speaker 4 so there's a bigger one that's like maybe three times its size. It's around the corner.
It's around the block. It's around the corner.
Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I'll do the cellar.

Speaker 4 And then as I walked in, it felt, I felt nervous. Really? Yeah, because it's like, I have to, I'm from the West Coast.
What's up, representing? You didn't say that. No, that was inside.

Speaker 4 But you did, you did do a little of your Bobby Black voice.

Speaker 4 I know, I know, I know. To the piano player, with the two dudes that are up there.
I know. He did a little Bobby Black voice.
He goes, what's up, dog?

Speaker 4 What's up, dog? Yeah, because

Speaker 4 of Artie Fuqua. I know.
And Artie was hosting.

Speaker 4 And then Bobby got a little black voice. When Bobby did Bobby Black voice, what's up? You know what I mean? I did that.
What's up, Playo? Yeah, Playa.

Speaker 4 And then he was playing, like, he had his hands on the keys. And he looked at me.
He was like, he did what I was confused. Not sure he liked it.
He didn't like it.

Speaker 4 Well, because you did that to the coffee guy. We went to get coffee in the morning.

Speaker 4 Young black guy.

Speaker 4 Young black guy. And I said,

Speaker 4 and I said, can I get just a regular ice coffee? He says, four shots,

Speaker 4 four shots over ice, playa, playa. And I was like, Bobby.

Speaker 4 And the guy was laughing, and Bobby goes, we're connected. We're on a level.
And I was like, no, no, no. He doesn't want to hear that.
He doesn't want to hear that. You're an asshole.

Speaker 4 And then you go, what am I supposed to say? Oh, can I get four shots, dog? And I was like, don't say that, yeah.

Speaker 4 Say none of that. Just say, may I have four shots of coffee, please? Yeah.

Speaker 4 But then finally, he laughed. He goes, no, no, it's okay.
But it's

Speaker 4 crumbling. No, here's the thing, pal.
Right? Hey, what's up, hip hoppers? No, no, no. What time is basketball down at the schoolyard? Here's the thing, pal.
Are you guys smoking dope?

Speaker 4 That's incredible. Hey, man, is that grass? Are you rolling up a bleasey? It's incredible.
You sound like an annoying white guy when that's not true. That's not true.

Speaker 4 When you talk to black guys, you sound like an annoying white guy. Yes, you do.
We had a fucking flow earlier. What the fuck are you talking about? The day before him and I had a rapport.
What was it?

Speaker 4 It was like, AAU, he recognized me from Mad. Mm-hmm.
Right. Mad TV, right? Impossible.
He was like 14 years old. Okay, yeah, but that's what he said.
Okay. I'll be lying.
It's on YouTube. Okay, okay.

Speaker 4 Maybe YouTube. Okay.
Right? So he goes, hey, you're on Mad. I go, that's right, that's right.
Which is, I always say.

Speaker 4 That's not urban. No, that is.
That's not urban. When you repeat yourself, that's urban.

Speaker 4 I go, yeah, dog, yeah, dog.

Speaker 4 that's right that's so say i remember say say mad tv you recognize me i recognize you from mad tv i go that's right that's right okay what is that why why wouldn't you just say oh yeah oh yeah yes i am oh yeah oh yeah no why why twice

Speaker 4 you don't do twice no bobby black

Speaker 4 twice

Speaker 4 so man uh

Speaker 4 what you're already doing it i'm not okay go ahead normal okay be normal i was like man

Speaker 4 Guy man guy I go man guy you like you liked it right mm-hmm. He's like yeah, I like it.
Yeah, man. That was pretty much it.
That was the flow. You went right back into it.

Speaker 2 Did you fist bump him?

Speaker 4 No, I went. He doesn't know how to do that.
And I did a shoulder. Yeah.
You know what I mean? He literally shouldered him right in his chest. Yeah, yeah.
I got a little pump.

Speaker 4 I go, do you like the little pump? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway, what? You know, the first word in his new song is jet ski.

Speaker 4 Yeah, so he's got to bring up a photo of him, will you? He's got a fucking diamond necklace that says Jetsky on it. That's why we really wanted.
That's the real thing.

Speaker 4 We wanted her to meet up with him. His dog's name is Jetsky, and he says it in his album.
He's got a chain of it. Just type in, yo, you typed in Jetsky? Dude Jetsky.
Oh, chain, right there.

Speaker 4 He's lifting up his chain in the picture of the black shirt. Down one more.
To the right, to the right, to the right. There it is.
Jetsky, right? Does it say it on there? It says. Drug addict.
Oh.

Speaker 4 It says drug addict. Okay, but just

Speaker 4 dude Jetsky chain. Dude Jetsky chain.
But we looked it up. We saw, apparently that's his dog's name.
And so,

Speaker 4 is that it? No. No.
Wait, we saw the chain.

Speaker 2 Where did you see it?

Speaker 2 On his Instagram.

Speaker 4 Oh, it's on his gram. I'm going to ask a question real quick about Lil Pump's.
Yeah. Okay.
So

Speaker 4 I know that he does it. Other people do it.
They put the tattoos on the face. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Now, I don't know because 20 years ago, in my day, right, if you put tattoo on your face, you're basically saying, I'm not going to ever get a day job.

Speaker 4 Because he believes so much in his art that he doesn't feel like. Right.

Speaker 4 But my point is, is that nowadays, because you're more a part of the younger generation, if you, let's suppose it stopped, it stopped working out for Lil Pump, which I don't think it will.

Speaker 4 I think he's a millionaire, whatever. But if it stopped working out, would he still be able to go to Morgan and Stanley and get a job with tattoos on his face? Yes.

Speaker 4 I'd hire him. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Is that still a thing, though?

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 2 it's still a thing. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Would you get a tattoo on your face or your neck?

Speaker 4 Face tattoos are tough because they're so visible.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like if I want to act and stuff, I got I'm kind of stuck in a part. But don't they have makeup that could cover it up?

Speaker 4 Yeah, but you have to be big to do it. Yeah, well, at that point.
Like, once you become an Academy Award, then just get a cross or something. But, like,

Speaker 4 right, you want a little cross right here? I want a cross.

Speaker 4 If you get one, I'll get one. Yeah, we'll all get one.
If you get one, I'll get one. Really? No.

Speaker 4 Like a tiny cross. I can't put one on my face.
Okay. How about I don't have that nice of a face.
I don't want to put it on my neck.

Speaker 4 No, I'm not going to do that.

Speaker 4 BF. Bad friends.

Speaker 4 Okay. On the neck.
Okay.

Speaker 4 Below the ear. Would you get a bad friends below the ear?

Speaker 2 I'll do it behind the ear.

Speaker 4 Behind the ear. Yeah.
Behind the ear? And it says to say, who's listening to bad friends behind the ear? That's too many letters. Tomby Letters.
Timothy Letter. All right, well, I'm just trying.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like a Bad Friends.
I told you before, but we've talked about this. I'll get a Bad Friends tattoo.
I can't do it on my neck or my face, but I will get one on my body.

Speaker 4 Yeah, because I've always wanted to do that on my face.

Speaker 2 What about the legs?

Speaker 4 Like, it just cat-tatted down my face. You don't even have that many tattoos.
I know, but if I, because the reason was because I don't, I want to get hired for shit. I get it.

Speaker 4 And if comedy doesn't work out, I want to work at fucking Chipotle. I mean, I...
It's working out. I know, but if it doesn't.
Can you imagine how bad you'd be at Chipotle? You'd be so flustered.

Speaker 4 Look at the boy. The boys just nodded off.
Bro,

Speaker 4 you know everything you guys say really offends me.

Speaker 4 You have no idea how fucking fast I do. Okay, hi.
I walked in Chipotle. Hey, how you doing, man? Hi.
Good. I'd like a burrito bowl.
I'd like also two burrito wraps and then two tacos. Okay.

Speaker 4 Divide them all between two. We'll do it one at a time, sir.
So in the burrito bowl. Here we go.

Speaker 4 Yeah, in the burrito bowl, I'm just going to have chicken, rice, chicken bowls, medium sauce, sauce, medium, sourdough. And then with the tacos, can I have chorizo? Chorizo.

Speaker 4 That's not chorizo, that's chicken.

Speaker 4 Yeah, go ahead. Okay.
Yeah. All right.

Speaker 4 Put that off the side. Next thing.
No, no, you're not done with those. I want those.
Do I have to fold it? They're tacos. I don't.
Decide. Well, you just broke my fucking tacos.
Do it again.

Speaker 4 I'll just put all the stuff in the inside on the side. Now, you see what's happening? Here comes the manager.
Bobby, what are you doing? I put the insides. I broke this one.
I put the insides over.

Speaker 4 Are you yelling at me? That's right. I'm the Chipotle manager.
I put the insides that it broke in the same ingredients. I'm putting because the tortilla teal broke.
Clean the toilets.

Speaker 4 You're on bathroom duty again. Okay.

Speaker 4 I can still. Good employee, I guess.
Pretty good. Yeah.
Yeah. But you're an employee.
I'd be just as good as you. You what? Read?

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 4 You read just as good as me? I would work just as good as you at Chipotle.

Speaker 2 You read on paper as good as him?

Speaker 4 On paper, you would read just as good as me.

Speaker 4 But at Chipotle,

Speaker 4 you'd be on the line, and I'd be managing it? I'd be owning it.

Speaker 4 You really think so?

Speaker 4 No, dude. Bro, I'm telling you right now, dude, if

Speaker 4 what people don't realize this. Okay.
I don't want to. Fuck you guys, man.

Speaker 4 Fuck you guys. What you guys don't realize this is that you think that I've never had grueling day jobs.
I did a lot. Yeah, we know.
And I showed up on time. Yeah.
And I never got fired.

Speaker 4 And they went, that kid's average.

Speaker 4 He's average. You're a C.
Yeah, he's he's not like, he's not going to get promoted, but we'll never fire him. He's fine.
You're fine. Right.
But I'm not like blatantly bad. No, I know that.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
So it's like, you know, if I had to survive after this, I would be able to get a job at Chipotle. I think you would.
I think you'd be fine.

Speaker 4 But I don't think you'd get a job at Chipotle.

Speaker 4 What do you think I would work at? I think you'd work at the Korean spa. Yeah.

Speaker 4 You know the place inside now. Yeah, yeah, I would probably work there.
I mean, you could be a general manager of a Korean spa easily. Yeah.
And you know what? How much business would you bring in?

Speaker 4 So much. A fuckload.
They put your face on the side of a building. I'd do a side business.
Oh, you would, you little fucker. Yeah.
What are you doing? Tights.

Speaker 4 Tits? Tight. Tights? Tight P.

Speaker 4 Expand.

Speaker 4 You know. I don't know.
Don't want to get too graphic. No, go ahead.
Oh, this is. Is this show we're being safe now on?

Speaker 4 Yeah, no. I just, that's that's the business.
I don't know what you're talking about. Tight P.

Speaker 4 Tight pussy?

Speaker 2 That's your what your job would be?

Speaker 4 Oh, no, no, no.

Speaker 4 He wants to to be. No, I would be like a side, you know, pimp? He wants to be a pimp.
Oh. Yeah, yeah, I'd be a side pimp.
A type pimp. Yeah, yeah.
Type pimp. You're a pimp.
Yeah, but I would clean.

Speaker 4 Where would you get your girls? Oh, fuck. From all over the place.

Speaker 2 I feel like you'd be not a good a pimp, though.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 How could you be a pimp? What do you mean? I don't think you have pimp qualities. Yeah.
You're not going to physically smack around women or anything if they get. Yo, man.
Oh, there is.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Yo, man. Is that pimp, Bobby? Well, I have to do an accent.
Okay. Yo, man, what's going down? Hey, listen, man.
I I just came in here just rubbing. 30 minutes.
You don't come inside. Okay.

Speaker 4 You work on them right up. Boom, boom, in your face, brother.
How much?

Speaker 4 $10.

Speaker 4 Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 I'll be in there for three days.

Speaker 4 Yeah. But then you go in.
It's my mom. Oh, I'll be in there for five days.

Speaker 4 Not my mom, not my mom. Yeah, but butter, but you know what I mean? So you'll be how much you want? What kind you want? I have different varieties.

Speaker 4 What kind you want? A dwarf? Oh, a dwarf?

Speaker 4 You have little people? I have two dwarfs. Whoa.
Can I I have both and stack them up? They're Asian, but you know, they're not really dwarf, but they're small enough.

Speaker 4 If I stack the dwarf, I can have sex with one and kiss the other one, like that's one person. Yeah, yeah, perfect.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could put to stack them up, you know what I mean, like a Jenga.

Speaker 4 All right, don't knock the bottom, right? What they go, ooh,

Speaker 4 right. Yo, dog, your dog, you can have the two.
Thank you. Yeah, but one of them are a dick.

Speaker 4 So, yeah, but the one with the dick, you on top. Yeah.
The one with the bougie? Yeah. The bougie? Yeah.
Downstairs. Down.

Speaker 4 Right? So, you know what I mean? I can fuck it suck at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 What do you think, bud? I'm in, dude.

Speaker 4 Say no more, dude. Sign me up.

Speaker 4 You're the best pimp I've ever had. You believe it? Yeah, I believe it.
Yeah, yeah. But what if the door

Speaker 2 prostitutes don't give you the money?

Speaker 4 That's my system's different.

Speaker 4 I'm like every other system, Jetsky. I mean, juicy.
I don't know.

Speaker 4 You think I'm going to go, go in, pay damn.

Speaker 4 Okay, you say pay up front to you. Yeah, that's how it all works.
But what are you paying? No, it's not.

Speaker 2 No, because you'd have to be there 24-7 while your bitches are fucking.

Speaker 4 I'll have a cash register for tax purposes. And who's running it?

Speaker 4 Me?

Speaker 4 You think she's not going to kick back down to the prostitutes and have an inside game of her own? You've got an inside job. You don't think she's got a side game? I'll give you, juice.

Speaker 4 I'll give you 25% of my

Speaker 4 business. You'd be the prostitute.
You'd be the prostitute cashier. You'd be the madam cashier.
The madam cashier, right? Yeah. And then I'll give you 25%.
Just don't steal from me.

Speaker 2 But I could do like a side hustle.

Speaker 4 That's already a side hustle. Yeah, but you started it.
Do you want to do two side hustles?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I have two sides.

Speaker 4 All right, so what's your side hustle?

Speaker 2 Like, you know, you go in with the dwarfs. Yeah.
Say, I see your car out there. You give me an extra hundred.

Speaker 4 I'll fill it up while you're in there. Oh, you gas? Yeah, I thought that was.
Oh, it's a gas station, too. No, it's also a car wash.
We might as well do a car wash. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 4 No, no, but it's like, so imagine the cashier at the cash register, right? And then we have like a cabinet, not a cabinet, like a display that's made out of glass. You can see through it, right?

Speaker 4 And we have things that don't belong.

Speaker 4 Okay. Why are they there? Yeah, just because it's funny.
Like, oh, gosh. Right? Yeah, no, not Bad Friends merch.
No, no, no, no, no. Why can't we sell Bad France merch? We'll do one shirt.

Speaker 4 Yeah, we'll do the one with the dog, the live one, the family one. We'll sell one of those, right? Okay.
But then we do obviously the fucking silver balls. Oh, yeah,

Speaker 4 the relaxation balls, right? I like the one that you squeeze to. Stress ball.
The stress ball. We'll have both styles.
Love it. Right?

Speaker 4 Because there's a waiting room. This makes sense.
Doesn't it, right? Yeah. And then the second thing we would have is probably like

Speaker 4 framed posters of some sports figure.

Speaker 4 Someone that's near and dear to your heart? Like a chamber? No, no one I don't know. Okay.
How about that guy? I know which one. Huh.
The guy that was the center forward of the Arizona Suns, Chambers.

Speaker 4 Funniest statement I've ever heard in my entire life. Why? Forward center of the Arizona Suns.
His name is Chambers.

Speaker 4 Chambers. Forward centers.
He was a white guy that worked for the Arizona Suns. Because you know how I know? I used to play this NBA game.
Let him get there on his own. Yeah, yeah.
Chambers.

Speaker 4 Not Chambers. Talking about Dan Marley? No, he was a center.
That's not his last name. Okay, the guy was a center.
From the 80s or something. Okay, and also.

Speaker 4 And also, you said it's the Phoenix Suns. Yeah, Arizona Sons.
Okay, Arizona Suns. Yeah, yeah.
Dan Marley's who you were talking about? That was an NBA Jam. I think Dan Marley was in NBA Jam.

Speaker 4 That wasn't him. Who else? He had like a blonde fro or something.

Speaker 4 This is so unrecognizable. We'll just do him then.
Okay. It's Dan Marley.
We'll just do Mark Dan Margoli.

Speaker 4 We'll have a frame photo of him. Wait, what's his name? Dan Marjorie.
Dan Marjili. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay. We'll do Dan Marjol, right?

Speaker 4 And we'll have that photo framed. Sick, that's BLM, by the way.
Right. That's what he was doing back there.
Yeah, he was doing BLM, right? It was way before. And we'll have it signed.

Speaker 4 And what will it say?

Speaker 4 We'll have Caratop sign it.

Speaker 4 It'd be weird, right? I met you. You've never had a fucking Dan Margil photo

Speaker 4 with Carrotop signing it. No, yeah.
That's never been done. All right, I'm in.
All right, you're in for that. So what else do we sell there? Food.
We need some foods.

Speaker 4 What kind? Cucumber. Just a bunch of cucumber.

Speaker 4 Plain cucumber? Yeah, cucumber. I guess that's cool.
Yeah, yeah. But it's shaved.
It's all shaved. Like the skin is.

Speaker 4 That's on the sign. Yeah, pre-shaved cucumber.
Pre-shaved cucumber. Yeah.
Come on,

Speaker 4 take a bite.

Speaker 4 Do we have dipping? Do we have anything to dip it in?

Speaker 4 It's like one of those frozen bananas.

Speaker 4 So check it out. A frozen cucumber dipped in chocolate.

Speaker 4 I'd never been done. Just to fuck up people.
Because they think it's going to be delicious. And they get in there and it's nothing.
It could be good. Chocolate water.

Speaker 2 They'll come up and be like,

Speaker 2 I'm here for the cucumber. And I'm like, You want the food or the service?

Speaker 4 You got to pick before you go in the room. What else do we sell there?

Speaker 4 How funny to just get in a room with a prostitute and just eat a chocolate cucumber, but not touch her at all, and then just finish and then walk out. That's right.
That's hot.

Speaker 4 And you know what we also do? Huh? Inside, there's two options. The first option, right, is to make love, which is the standard option.
Boo,

Speaker 4 boring. The second option is we set up one of those, you know, those malls that have like the Cowboy Western photo.

Speaker 4 oh a photo shoot a photo shoot oh yeah yeah thing right where you can like dress up yeah we'll do a fairy one oh i love fairy one right we'll do a cowboy one uh-huh not the native because you can get canceled yeah yeah we want to play it safe yeah we'll play it safe way why

Speaker 4 you can't you can't do it you can't

Speaker 4 no what if just the prostitutes do it

Speaker 4 sorry if they're native if they're native yeah if the sex workers do it if they're native yeah but what if they're ambiguous brown and we don't really know well then we can defend ourselves okay perfect yeah we can defend ourselves because we didn't know Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 What's so funny? You can't cut that. You can't cut that part.
That's legal.

Speaker 4 Let me tell you, since you came back from Hispaniac, the amount of times that you do this, he does this to me, or when we joke about it, he goes like this.

Speaker 4 Yeah. I don't know what this is about.

Speaker 4 What's a change thing? What happened in Spain? I woked. I became woke.
You woked in Spain? You woke in Spain. What woke you up in Spain? Whoa.

Speaker 4 I was just showing bad friends to some people and they say, oh, wow, this is not cool at all. Really? Really? Let's talk about some of the non-woke political principles that happen in Spain.

Speaker 4 Is gay marriage legal? Yeah. In Spain? Yeah, we've talked about that about the women's women's.
But let me tell you something. Yeah.
But you know they hate it. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 4 It is, but they can't stand it. Like when they do a wedding, no one shows up.
Right. Because the stigma.

Speaker 4 Voluntary abortion is allowed for the 14th week of pregnancy. Yeah.
14th week. What is it here in the States?

Speaker 4 How many weeks is it here? Depending on the state. Texas, nothing.
Well, you know what I mean. California.
What is it in California?

Speaker 2 I think whenever.

Speaker 4 Yeah,

Speaker 4 that's what they say. Whenever.

Speaker 4 That is.

Speaker 4 I guess Spain is better than I thought. Spain's pretty cool.

Speaker 2 Hey, Bobby, are these new? Or did you always paint your fingernails?

Speaker 4 Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 Oh, look at that. 24 and 26, we doubled Spain.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he always paints his fingernails.
I never know. I sometimes do.
Out of boredom. I think it originally started to cover up dead nails.
And then now

Speaker 4 it's just. It's just so fucking funny.

Speaker 4 You know me so well.

Speaker 4 I fucking hate you. I hate the fact that you know specific things that in my past, right? And now it's just a habit.
Yeah, yeah, you're right. But don't say that shit out loud, bro.
I just did.

Speaker 4 I know, but it's like, you know what I mean? Sometimes things are reserved for you and I. We have private things.
Timeout. What?

Speaker 4 These fans, your fans, our fans, have known about stuff like that for 20 years. People know you collect dead skin on a fucking Elmer's glue ball in your old bathroom.

Speaker 4 You told everybody that. What's so funny? You don't like it?

Speaker 4 He did it.

Speaker 4 That's from a long time ago, 20 years ago. What do you mean? It was up till a couple years ago.
You had it. When you had it, I had it, but I did it 20 years ago.
But you still had it. What?

Speaker 4 You can't throw away that.

Speaker 4 I'm not arguing that. Yeah, I mean, that's fucking.
But you were. But it's gone now.
Yeah. You weren't allowed to take it to the new house.
No. That's not nice.

Speaker 4 You should have put it in one of those baseball cases where they put a baseball, a little plexiglass case. Yeah, that's gone.
It's okay. You can start a new one.
Yeah. But I couldn't have

Speaker 4 to see what's inside. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Not good. All right.
I don't want to. I'm going going to throw up.
I'll throw it up. I'll just let you know.
No, I know. Look at me right now.
Don't do it. Not.
I don't want to hear it. Good.

Speaker 4 I'm thinking about it, and I'm going to get sick. Because what happens is this, right?

Speaker 4 It rots. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 It rots. I'm going to open it.
You open it, right? Can I just say this the one lesson? This is science. Don't do it.
Can we talk about science? I know, but I just.

Speaker 4 I know. Right.
You would think that the center

Speaker 4 would be dry. Not the opposite.
Moist.

Speaker 4 Blitz.

Speaker 4 Moist, dude. Moist.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 And the taste? Ah, no.

Speaker 4 It's like caviar. It is.
It's delicious. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. No, we had, we, for what it's worth,

Speaker 4 let me move on to anything else. Yeah, yeah.
We had one of the best times in New York. Bobby said he felt so alive and he wanted to move there.
You want to buy a place there?

Speaker 4 It felt like for the first time, I'm like, oh, I could live here. Yeah.
It was just the vibe. It was the, because before, when I would go to comedy clubs, I couldn't get in, all right.

Speaker 4 Like, you would have to explain to the guy, like, oh no, I was on that TV and I did the tonight show, and I'm a regular, you know what I mean? You would have to explain. They're like, oh, really?

Speaker 4 And then they would have to call some. It hurts your feelings when that happens.
Totally. Right.
But now it's like you show up and they're like, you get in.

Speaker 4 They come up to you. You want to go out? I mean, there's like that respect and it feels good.
It was really nice. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Because they came up to us when we just went back to have, after we did our show, they were like, you guys want to pop up again? And you're like,

Speaker 4 I feel so good. And I wanted to, but we couldn't.
We were eating. We were chilling.
It was like that was a magical night eating there. Yeah, it was so nice.

Speaker 4 Just the hummus and talking and being around comics was so fun. I just missed that.
We don't have that in LA anymore. We don't sit around.
We don't go to swingers like we used to anymore.

Speaker 4 We don't go out to restaurants with groups of comics anymore. No one sits and commiserates like they do there.
And that place, man, it just got a hum to it. And it's funny because the

Speaker 4 prov has food. But why don't comics eat there? We used to, but they changed that fucking room so much five different times, people just stopped going.

Speaker 4 Remember, they used to be the corner circle table, man.

Speaker 4 Back when it was lifted up in the main room, that area when you walk in the door to the right used to be a platformed area and it was railed off. And there was a cool table in the corner.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it just got rid of all that shit.
So then now it feels like a fucking Texas roadhouse. Now when you walk in there, who's there? I can tell you.

Speaker 4 Every time I walk in there, there's no one in that dining area. Except for Ornie Adams.

Speaker 4 And he's crossed. His legs are crossed.
And he always is like this.

Speaker 4 Like there's something going on. He's still thinking about comedian.
I don't know. I like him.
Yeah, I do too. I do too.
He's there all the time. He's there.
He's writing and working.

Speaker 4 No, people just don't go there anymore.

Speaker 4 I mean, they go to the club. They just don't go hang out and eat.
But

Speaker 4 we should take you at some point.

Speaker 2 I would love to go with you guys.

Speaker 2 Do you think it was like that because you're on vacation? Like, if you lived there, would you be doing going out that much?

Speaker 4 Not as much, but

Speaker 4 you still have the opportunity to call up a couple people and go get something to eat or drink down there. Yeah.
But yeah, you're right. You're right.
And then I have connections there now to people.

Speaker 4 Like, I don't feel as alone. You You know, it's just a great town.
You know, great to know. It's fucking amazing.
And

Speaker 4 there's a part of me that's so, I don't know why I feel this way. That there's a...
Because I was so, there's so many great comics that come from there, right?

Speaker 4 So you kind of go, will my shit translate? But yeah, it does, dog. What's up? You sure did.
What's up, dog? You did great, dude. You did too.
We would both grate. And I'll say this.
Grand Mercy?

Speaker 4 Grand Mercy was so much fun. Do you want to talk about what happened on the second show? At the very end? I feel bad about it.
Why? But he got a big laugh.

Speaker 4 It was a joke.

Speaker 2 Oh, I heard this story.

Speaker 4 This girl goes,

Speaker 4 she asked a question, right? And she goes,

Speaker 4 I want you guys to guess who I would go out with between you and Andrew. Something like that.
Who would I rather have sex with? That's what she said.

Speaker 4 She said, Bobby, I want you to tell me who I'd rather have sex with. And by that question,

Speaker 4 we knew it was you.

Speaker 4 So I go, me. And she goes, but I want you to know, I want you to ask you why.

Speaker 4 Yeah. And I go, I know why.
She goes, no, but

Speaker 4 I know why. She goes, why? Because you're ugly.

Speaker 4 And it destroyed.

Speaker 4 The crowd lost their shit. And her face, she went like this.
She went,

Speaker 4 like, she, it was like, yeah. She couldn't even get a word.
She was so fucked up. And then, of course, right away, he was like, I'm kidding.
I'm fucking kidding. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

Speaker 4 I said, I fuck you right now. And then I fuck you right now.
And she goes, oh, yeah, like this. And he runs over to her and they start making out.
It was so funny. With tongue.
So fun. It was so good.

Speaker 4 And the crowd lost it. It was amazing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I stood there in awe.
And you really went in

Speaker 4 because I felt so bad. You held her head, I held her head, yeah.
I always hold the head, but it was beautiful. I love to hold the head.
Well, you fucking grabbed the back of her hair.

Speaker 4 And then, when you were done making out, she did kind of that thing that women used to do in the 50s and 60s when they were so sexually repressed that they felt they would pass out when they would see someone famous.

Speaker 4 You know, that she literally, when she was done, she went like this.

Speaker 4 No, that's not what I saw. What did she do? I thought she made the face like she had sushi for the first time.

Speaker 4 She went like this. She went.

Speaker 4 So that's what salmon tastes like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, you're trying to like make the people around you know that you like it, but then it's like weird. You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 So, this is imitation crab.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that was really good. That was a face, yeah.
That's really funny that you say that. That's literally how I, the first time I went to sushi with my friend, yeah, I was nauseated.

Speaker 4 I mean, dude, when I first had it, I did that like

Speaker 4 and you have to like hold it in because

Speaker 4 I'd never had raw fish in my life. Yeah.
Oh, as a kid in Midwest, we always had cooked fish out of lakes. I'd never once eaten a piece of raw fish, and it shocked me to have it.
And then

Speaker 4 a few other things I started to like, and then over time, I started to get into it. I'm trying to think of what food that was like a little startling to eat.

Speaker 4 Oh, I know. The eyeball of a fish.

Speaker 2 Why are you. Oh, that was startling.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that shocked me.

Speaker 4 No, because Koreans, they go, old school Koreans, they go straight for the eyeballs. Really? Yeah.
As soon as the fish is,

Speaker 4 is it a delicate? Yeah. Like, they're gone.
It's like, grandma,

Speaker 4 you know what I mean? What's your eyeballs? Grandma always gets an eyeball. You know what I mean? So is it good? So the eyeballs go to the elders? They just go, like, I would go for the body.

Speaker 4 Like, when a fish is down, I go for the body first, but not old Asians. Look at that fish eye.
But I'm saying, is it out of respect that you let the elder people get the eyes first? I don't know.

Speaker 4 No, there's no rule. I just make it up and lie and just say yes.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 It's in the folklore. You're right.
You know what I mean? No, but and then I just, one day I went, my mom, can I try it?

Speaker 4 And And I chewed on it, and it was like one of those gums with a

Speaker 4 like a juice in the flavor. Oh, like a gusher? Yeah, a gusher, where you bit into it, and that juice squirts into your mouth.

Speaker 4 That juice? No, no. No, no, no, no.
It's a no-no juice. Yeah.
I don't like the juice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But that's what. Have you ever had fisheye? No.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 I don't want to.

Speaker 4 Would you never eat a fisheye?

Speaker 2 I don't know. If it would, like, make you really happy, but I don't want to do it.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Well, I mean, what part of the animal would you not eat?

Speaker 4 The eye, I just said. I know, but brain?

Speaker 2 I just like,

Speaker 2 I like the stuff I already eat, you know.

Speaker 4 Did you ever see?

Speaker 4 I don't want to try out the weird stuff. She's already Faces of Death.
Oh, yeah, dude. It's awful.
The monkey thing?

Speaker 4 Yeah. It's almost as bad as the clip that Stefano showed us on his show.

Speaker 2 I don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 4 Faces of Death was an old, like at the VHS tapes and stuff. That was it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it looks scary.

Speaker 4 Yeah, so they had this monkey alive. I remember watching it in high school, Faces of Death.
It was like literal video footage of people and things dying. Like it was.

Speaker 2 But it was like a cult film?

Speaker 4 It's like snuff film. It's like it was a film.
Back in the day,

Speaker 4 people would pass around like VHS films, tapes. Yeah.
But they were like, they would copy them. So they were always so grainy and weird.
And it was always something dirty and wrong and rough.

Speaker 4 You weren't supposed to have your hands on it. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 Some girl tied to a bamboo tree.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 I remember that one. Yeah.
Yeah. Tied to it.

Speaker 4 Right. And then you see a machete and it goes to blank.
Yeah. Yeah.
But that's when you come.

Speaker 4 No, but back in the day, there was porn was like that, too. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Porn was passed around. Passed around, right?

Speaker 4 And so basically, Faces of Death was one of those things in the 80s where they would go, you know what I mean? And when my parents would sleep, I would put it in. And they had this one thing.

Speaker 4 And I literally didn't finish the movie because of this one scene. There's a restaurant in Morocco.
I don't know where it is, right? I think it's Morocco, really. Somewhere a place like that.

Speaker 4 And they have this monkey, you know, and they dressed him, I think, from the photo. Yeah, they put clothes on him.
They put clothes on him. Okay, that's cute.
Which is bullshit. That's cute, though.

Speaker 4 I mean,

Speaker 4 you're lying to him. It's like, it's your birthday party.

Speaker 4 Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

Speaker 4 Yeah. They killed him? They put him in this table that was made specifically for monkeys.
It's disgusting. And

Speaker 4 there's a lock contraption.

Speaker 4 And then they cut his brain open and they eat the brain.

Speaker 2 And it's real?

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 All right. I got to see this movie.

Speaker 4 It's fucking terrible. Yeah, that sounds awful.
That kind of stuff I just don't like. What Giestano did? That was awful.
Is wrong. I agree.
What did he do? Well, he was wrong.

Speaker 4 He's a friend who's a police officer, and he showed us on his show a clip.

Speaker 4 The cop had, you know, his body cam on, and they had to go to the scene of a crime of a guy, not a crime, sorry, an accident, where a guy who was a bike messenger or something, he had slipped off the bike and a 18-wheel semi-truck

Speaker 4 ran over his head. And his body was there, and his his head was gone.
It was. And you see all of it.

Speaker 2 It's and the cop was like, it's in defense. I think he had a gun.

Speaker 4 No, the cop was walking up to the body because they were trying to, they were trying to curtain off the scene, you know, so people couldn't see it.

Speaker 4 But three times I looked at DeStefano and I said, I don't want to see it. Yeah.
I do not want to see it. It's like, it causes me trauma.

Speaker 4 It's a little bit of my fault because I did say you have to see it. Yeah.
And when you saw it, you regretted seeing it. 100%.
I could see it in your face. Yeah, it made me nervous.

Speaker 4 I couldn't believe I watched it. I saw it.
I didn't want to see it. Yeah, I didn't want want to see it.
But there's something inside of us that's like, I do want to see it.

Speaker 2 No, you don't. No, I never watched Two Girls, One Cup.

Speaker 4 Let's watch it right now. No, I don't want to.

Speaker 2 Please.

Speaker 4 No, please. Let's watch it.

Speaker 2 No, that's one thing I say. I don't want to watch like the.

Speaker 4 But for this show, you have to, for entertainment purposes.

Speaker 2 My example was.

Speaker 4 No, don't do it.

Speaker 4 No, you don't have to show it. Just show it to her.
See if she. Yeah, yeah.
No, no, she doesn't want to watch it.

Speaker 2 I don't want to watch it. That to me is my guy.

Speaker 4 There's no one dying. Yeah, but it's her.
That's her line. That's her line.

Speaker 2 I feel like the girls die inside.

Speaker 4 But there's a part of them that die. You're right.
From what I've heard. It has to.
Right. I don't know, dude.
Some people are. Shiza videos are huge in the world.
What's that? Shit videos.

Speaker 4 People love eating shit, getting shit on.

Speaker 4 Well, that's okay.

Speaker 2 I'm not judging.

Speaker 4 Well, then that's what two girls, one cup is.

Speaker 2 But I don't have to enjoy it.

Speaker 4 No, no, I understand. Yes, you don't.
But I'm saying they don't. I think they do like it because they there's

Speaker 4 plenty of people that are into poop cork. Yeah, but does that fetish? And don't fucking sex shame.
Don't fetish shame.

Speaker 4 Don't sex shame. But does that fetish happen over time?

Speaker 4 Or are you jaded to regular sex shame? How do you introduce that to your partner? Yeah, but I'm just saying, how does that even occur? Is that something that you, as a young person...

Speaker 4 I like shit. Or

Speaker 4 is it because you fuck a lot and you're like, I need to take this to the next level? It could be both. I think sometimes, you know, babies have poop all over the place all the time.

Speaker 4 Anybody who has a friend has a baby, they're like, dude, that's so much poop. It's insane.
It's poop everywhere. And maybe a baby gets a little poop on their...

Speaker 4 on their pee-pee and they love it and they're playing with it and then it just transfers over to adulthood that one day they're having sex what would you do if you saw your your baby eat poo and surgery?

Speaker 4 I go, he's sexually advanced. I go, look at how advanced my baby is.

Speaker 4 2022? This kid knows what he's doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. My baby's.
That would be really weird. He's got BDSM.
Gary's tied up.

Speaker 4 Poopy. Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, that's my boy. That's my boy.
That was the original Adam Sandler. That's my boy theme.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Baby poop stuff.

Speaker 4 I think also, I'm confused over how you bring that up because you have to reach a certain age and maturity level with your partner to talk about what you really want them to to do.

Speaker 4 You know, like you know, when you start dating girls when you're younger, you don't kind of know how to say like what you like.

Speaker 4 And then you get older and you're like, fuck it, I'll tell you everything that I like. What's the day? What's the day that you go, I'm going to tell her to poop on me? I got to tell her to poop on me.

Speaker 4 Do you do it? You went out for subtlety. You went out for Thai food the night before.
You have to do it subtly. How do you subtly start with her? You start with farts.
What?

Speaker 4 Over the year, you have to ease into it. So you fart on them? Yeah, like, so I imagine, right, a woman is on her back, right?

Speaker 4 And you're making her blow it like this. Wait.
Wait, wait, wait. She's on her back, but you're on.
Do you ever do that style?

Speaker 4 No. Yeah, yeah.
So she's on her back on the bed. Imagine she doesn't look on her.
She's on the floorboard, right? The floorboard. Not the floor, but the backboard of the bed.
Okay.

Speaker 4 How is she on her back? She's on her knees there.

Speaker 4 How are you on the headboard and your back is behind you, bud? She is laying right here and the dick's here. Okay.

Speaker 4 My arms are up here. Okay.

Speaker 4 What? Well, her butt's into the bed. And you're butt.

Speaker 4 I'll explain. Go do it.
Come here, Carlos. Carlos, get down there.
Let's see it.

Speaker 4 I gotta know how this works.

Speaker 2 I'm picturing.

Speaker 4 Get on your back.

Speaker 4 So he's the girl.

Speaker 4 Carlos is the girl.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you're the girl, right?

Speaker 4 Okay, I see it. And I'm like this.
Yeah, you're right. Okay.
And I'm fucking her mouth like this. Got it.

Speaker 4 Yeah. And then...

Speaker 4 But you're farting. Okay, you're farting away.
You fart a button, but then you do this. Huh? You start going, hey, can you eat my butthole in this position? Can you eat my butthole in this position?

Speaker 4 Thank you. And now make it.
So So you flip around. And I'll kind of blow you.
I need your friend.

Speaker 4 And then you fart right that way.

Speaker 4 Okay, so first you fart away, then you fart face at them. This happens through time.

Speaker 4 Okay, but don't do that in one night. Like do a double fart.
Okay, but when you fart, do you apologize the first time? Yeah. So you're like, oh, oops.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Speaker 4 I'm so embarrassed.

Speaker 4 And if they say, it's okay.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's the first.
Exactly. That's the first.
That's the first thing. So they go, oh, and it stops the.
Right. You got to get a new girl.

Speaker 4 You know, like in F1, they have the colored lights, the done, done, done.

Speaker 4 That's what it is when you fart. Dunno.
That's the first one. Yeah, yeah.
And the second one is you flip around and then

Speaker 4 you fart in their face. And you go, oh, I'm so sorry.
And they go, it's okay. It's okay.
Done.

Speaker 4 And then, and then you go, no, there's way more. I'm going to shit on them.
There's 10 of them. Oh, there's so many lights.

Speaker 4 There's three. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bump, bum, bump.
Reverse fart to fucking shit. See, I think it might.
No, you. Because what if you fart on them and they go,

Speaker 4 breathe it in? That's a green light. And they go.
That's good.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 4 Or you eat

Speaker 4 really bad food. Yeah.
You do the reverse and the fart has moisture.

Speaker 4 And it gets on their face. Right.
And then if they don't, if they take a napkin or, I mean, a tissue and wipe it,

Speaker 4 that's not good. Let's go back to you.
But if they...

Speaker 4 Like they have a face full of pudding.

Speaker 4 You know what's great about this? Someone's driving to work right now, listening to us.

Speaker 4 Someone's on their way to their regular job, and they're listening to us talk about fart face stuff.

Speaker 2 And they're like, that's how I do it.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's how you do it. Let me get a pen.
Then the Tesla gets this. And that takes probably six months to a year.
So that's the amount of time. Yeah.

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Speaker 4 Rules and restrictions apply. Wait, do you think there's a girl that just goes, you're having Christian sex, and then just one day you just go, can I shit on you or can you shit on me?

Speaker 4 I bet you, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think I've heard of that.

Speaker 4 100%. And then doesn't that go, I mean, this just seems like,

Speaker 4 I mean, that's a big question. Yeah, but at some point you probably run out of, you're like, I can't do this anymore.
I got to tell you, I got to tell you how I feel about this stuff.

Speaker 4 Otherwise, I'm going to keep hiding it from you that I watch poop videos at night. Yeah, I think I'm just a missionary cowgirl kind of guy.

Speaker 4 Are you a cowgirl? Yeah,

Speaker 4 you are a cute little cowgirl, aren't you? Yeah, or reverse cowgirl. I mean, those are like the moves.
That's the top. Yeah, I don't go beyond it.
Why?

Speaker 4 Because I just kissing and

Speaker 4 sticking my penis in the vagina is good enough. So you love kissing while you have sex? Yeah.
You don't like that? No, no, no, I do. I'm just saying it depends on the kind of sex I'm having.

Speaker 4 Well, there's two different kinds? There's many different kinds, buddy. Tell me the times.

Speaker 4 I'm sweating now. Well, when two people love each other very much.
Tell me, Daddy.

Speaker 4 Don't do that.

Speaker 4 I'm going to get it hard if you do that. Dad, tell me.
Don't say that again.

Speaker 4 Papa. Oh.

Speaker 4 Papa, tell me about love. No, there's fucking, there's making love, there's having sex, there's experimenting.
Daddy, tell me about fucking. Don't do it.
Tell me about Papa. You know this turns me on.

Speaker 4 I know. So, what the fuck is that? Sometimes when you kiss,

Speaker 4 you're making love. Yeah.
I don't think I ever kiss when we're fucking. It's hard to kiss if you're fucking.
Yeah. Because

Speaker 4 it's just in a pet. It's like a hot.

Speaker 4 You know, like, I just came home. I haven't seen you in a while.
It's fucking. It's hot.
You know? Well, sometimes we're not fucking though. Yeah, what? Sometimes we're not fucking.

Speaker 4 Yeah, what happens? I'll grab the fucking, you know, hair. Grab her hair? Yeah.
Her mouth opens. Uh-huh.
And like a fucking, you know, like smog. Oh, yeah.
The dragon

Speaker 4 from the hobbit.

Speaker 4 I'll stick it

Speaker 4 in the mouth like that. Right?

Speaker 4 And then I'll do a fired spit.

Speaker 4 Whoa. Fire spit.
Is this show family-friendly?

Speaker 4 I don't know. Sometimes I think about it.
What rating is it?

Speaker 4 You ought to be out. I'm sweating.
I don't know why. It's hot in here.
Yeah. But you started sweating when I called you daddy.
I started getting a little pokey pokey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 You call me daddy. I love it.
I love it too. I think it's one of those things.
Oh, dude, you know what I just saw today, by the way? Yeah. You know they're doing Clerks 3?

Speaker 4 They're doing Clerks 3, and it's filled with famous people. And I mean, because I just saw someone at the cameo that we know, someone that we're friends with did it.

Speaker 4 And I was like, I didn't even, did you hear that this was a thing? I had no fucking idea. Look at the names that are in this thing, though.
Yeah. Do cameo.
Oh, yeah. See, there's some.

Speaker 4 That wasn't all of them. The trailer was, or whatever I saw was insane.
How many people were in this fucking thing? I don't think he likes me. Kevin Smith.
I've had conversations with him. Zoom in.

Speaker 4 Look, Ben Affleck, Sarah Michelle Guy. Of course.

Speaker 4 That's the clan. No, I'm just saying, but they're all doing it.
But don't you want to be in that? Wow. Do I want to be in it? Yeah.

Speaker 4 I don't know what business I would have in that movie. I mean, you know what I mean? Like, I just, it's kind of like I would, I don't know, what would they use me for? I don't know them.

Speaker 4 But it's nuts, dude. It's crazy that they, I didn't even, I didn't even know it was a real thing.
Did you ever see the original Clerks? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 It's a great fucking movie.

Speaker 4 What movies have you seen?

Speaker 2 All of the movies?

Speaker 4 She's seen pretty much all the movies. Kevin Smith.
Every Wes Anderson movie?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Dogma was my favorite.

Speaker 4 Of his? Whoa. Oh, yeah.
You know what? It's so funny. You've been around.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but my stepmom had it on VHS.

Speaker 4 So sad. Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd watch it over and over and over again.

Speaker 4 Did you like Chasing Amy?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I like Chasing Amy, but Dogma was like the best.

Speaker 4 Chasing Amy might be my favorite. Oh, yeah, I like that one.
I don't know why. I just love it so much.
It's just such a great. I don't know.
I just something about it. Let me say this.

Speaker 4 Last night I tried to watch Beast.

Speaker 4 What's that?

Speaker 4 Yeah. The Idris Alba.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you guys seen it? Yeah.
You saw it? Yeah. The whole movie.
Yeah. It's Beats.
Let me ask you something. It's Beats, not Beast.
Beast?

Speaker 4 It's called Beads? Beats? Anal.

Speaker 4 Anal Beast. Anal Beads.
Oh, Beast. That's what it says.
Same, same. Anal Beasts.
Oh, Anal Beast. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Okay. So I, so I'm not, there's no spoiler here.
Sure. Because I'm going to talk about the first three minutes of the movie.
And I stopped.

Speaker 4 Because at this point, like, I see poachers.

Speaker 4 Right? Killing, I guess, that guy's pride,

Speaker 4 right?

Speaker 4 And then he kills the poachers and stuff. Yeah, that makes sense.
And at the end, after the end of that three minutes, I'm like, I don't need to watch this. I already know whose side I'm on.

Speaker 4 The fucking. Idris Ilba.
No. The lion.
The lion's side. You're not on Idris Ilba's side.
No.

Speaker 4 Whoa.

Speaker 4 Because he's not in the beginning of the movie. These other poachers.

Speaker 4 Oh, so you're saying... That's interesting given what's going on in the world right now.
Oh, you, because of BLM?

Speaker 4 I mean, I didn't even say that.

Speaker 4 What are you saying?

Speaker 2 Wait, that's what I thought you were saying.

Speaker 4 Thank you so much, my friend. Whoa.
Whoa, what are you saying? I'm on the because if it was like in Jaws,

Speaker 4 just hear me out.

Speaker 4 In Jaws, right? It's, we don't know the Jaws' backstory. We just think that he is this creature out of control, huge.
That's all true. And maunching on people.
That's right.

Speaker 4 We don't know his motivation. Oh, my God.
His motivation is to eat. Yeah.
Right? But in this movie, the first three minutes are like, oh, I understand this lion's motivation.

Speaker 4 and I hate the fact that his family was slaughtered by humans. And so if this fucking lion eats all the humans in the movie, I'm going to be on the lion's side.
It has nothing to do with color.

Speaker 4 If it was Hugh Jackman there, I would have said the same thing. Chow Yun Fat, lion's side.
I don't know what the fuck you're trying to do right now. Oh, I'm letting you do it on your own.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 You're here first. Well, you're on Idris' side.
Bobby hates Idris Ilba. That's not what I said.
Just because he's black. Is the movie get better after that?

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 4 Okay, I'll watch it. And And do you eventually get on Idris Ilba's side? Never.

Speaker 4 Whoa. Whoa.
Sounds like another racist Spanish guy to me. No, because you know you see those videos.
I'll tell you right now, I'm on Idris's side. I haven't even seen it.
On his side, whatever he did.

Speaker 4 Whatever he did, whatever he does. Why? Just because I love him.
He's a handsome, beautiful guy who's cool and great at acting. Yeah, as an actor, you fucking cock, right? No, in real life.

Speaker 4 Yeah, in real life, he's an actor. I love him as a fucking actor, right? And in the story.
Whatever the story is, whatever he did. He could have been.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 4 So if he-opening scene, he could have had a lion's throat and just.

Speaker 4 and I'd have been like on his side. Okay, what if he was eating babies on his side? Human babies? But what if he's hungry? What is he doing? He's out there in the wild.
He's hunting down lions.

Speaker 4 It takes forever. You get starving, got a couple babies in the truck, eat them up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if the babies were black?

Speaker 4 Are they his babies?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I don't know.
They're just, they're black.

Speaker 4 They're black babies. We don't know.

Speaker 4 So he's eating black babies?

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah. White babies? Oh, come on.
Yeah, yeah, white babies. Yeah.
I'm okay with eating white babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If he's eating black babies, uh.

Speaker 4 That's a tough one. That's a really tough one.
How about if it's Edi Amin's babies? Totally in. Yeah, good.
Yeah, totally fine with it. Okay.
I want to watch it then. I should watch The Beast.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 I tried to watch Morton Tyson last night, The Mike Show. Is it good? Yeah, it's interesting.

Speaker 4 I told you about that before, but I, but, but then they get into the, um, then they get into the naughty stuff that Mikey did, and then you're like,

Speaker 4 it's a little tough to watch.

Speaker 4 What? I'm kidding.

Speaker 4 I'm kidding.

Speaker 2 I saw the dark side of comedy, and guess who makes appearances in it?

Speaker 4 Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee.
But you do you know why? You're good in it. Do you know why? No.

Speaker 4 Well, because you're a comedian. No, that's not why.
That's not why.

Speaker 4 The reason why is because

Speaker 4 when they were doing the series, right, they were going to do one on Roseanne Dice, and they called me and they go, we're doing one about you. Did Judd do that? Judd did this, right?

Speaker 4 No, no, Judd didn't do it.

Speaker 4 Wait, we're doing one about you. Whether you're involved or not, we're doing it.
No. Yeah.
How, though? What do you mean, how?

Speaker 2 Because the TV episodes are all about these big comics who lost their careers.

Speaker 4 I'm not wrong. I'm not poking fun.

Speaker 2 That's what they're about.

Speaker 4 And your career's not lost. So why would they make one about you? Maybe they were.
Maybe they... It's a good save, but basically what you were saying.
Maybe they're foreshadowing.

Speaker 4 Maybe they're like, we got to get this out before we crash.

Speaker 4 The Jews, it's a good save. But basically, what you meant by that is...
That doesn't make any sense. They're about big comics.

Speaker 2 No, you're a big comic, but the whole point, the dark side of it is like how they lost it all. Dice Clay,

Speaker 2 Sparley, Roseanne.

Speaker 4 Did they lose?

Speaker 2 Hardy Lang. Yes.

Speaker 4 You think maybe they thought maybe they have a crystal ball?

Speaker 2 They did not ask you.

Speaker 4 I was just afraid because they were like, we want to do about your drug addiction. And I'm like,

Speaker 4 there's not much out there.

Speaker 4 And so I go, I'll just do it.

Speaker 4 Just don't do one on me.

Speaker 4 And then they go, I'll just, and they go, which one do you want to go? The only one I really am close to is dice. I'll do the dice one.

Speaker 4 Good. I'm glad you did that.
Well, I want to see it. I haven't seen it.
What is it on? Hulu. Hulu.
Maybe I'll watch it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, they can't make an episode on you.

Speaker 4 They can't. I don't know.
The way you're saying it, though, it just hurts me for some time. It just sounds like they definitely can make an episode on you the way you're talking about it.

Speaker 2 Well, that's what they called you and said they're doing it. Have you seen it?

Speaker 4 No,

Speaker 4 the reason why I'm on dice is with the negotiation was that don't do one on me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's good. You're smart.
You're smart.

Speaker 2 That's why you don't have an episode on.

Speaker 4 That's exactly right. Yeah, yeah.
You knew, you knew. But is it good? It's well done.

Speaker 2 It's really good. But yeah, at the end, it's like, and that's what killed him.

Speaker 4 That's how they end every episode. And that's what killed him.

Speaker 2 Pretty much.

Speaker 4 That's what killed him once again.

Speaker 4 I think, you know what?

Speaker 4 But would you let someone do a comedy documentary on you anyway, in general?

Speaker 4 Yeah, I think that's like 15 years away, though. Just to have you.
I have more shit to like, more stories to make. Because right now, but

Speaker 4 do you ever want to write a book? I've been offered that. I have.
People go, can you do storybook? Or have someone else write your book, I mean, for you.

Speaker 4 That's not me taking a shot. You're definitely not going to write a book.
That's a shot.

Speaker 4 Tell me you're going to write your own book right now. I'll write my own book.

Speaker 4 Say you promise and you swear on everything. Swear on your mother's life.
You'll write it. I don't want to do a book.
Okay, see?

Speaker 4 No, no, no, because I know you'll never write it. That doesn't necessarily mean you'll never write a book.
That doesn't necessarily mean I don't want to fucking write a book.

Speaker 4 No, it's not that you can't write it. It's you won't.
I know how to write the linguist language. So, can we admit that? I just said you can.
Thank you. But you never will.
Ever. Yeah.

Speaker 4 You'll never write a book your whole life. But what about a ghostwriter? That's what he said.
That's exactly what I said. Oh, yeah, but then yes.
Yes, yeah.

Speaker 4 You'll have someone else write the book. But I'll be there in the room.
Yeah, sometimes.

Speaker 4 Well, give me the draft. Give you the first draft.
And I'll read it and I'll make notes. Yeah.
That's kind of writing. Not at all.
Is that writing? No. Uh-oh.

Speaker 4 When somebody says I wrote this book and somebody else wrote it, I just think they are not allowed to say they wrote any of it. You didn't write any of it.
That's a big line. That's true.

Speaker 4 If you told a joke and it wasn't your joke, I'm like, you told someone else's joke. Yeah, that's true.
You didn't tell your joke.

Speaker 4 That's not your property. Yeah.
It's such a weird line when people have these big crews of people that write jokes for them and they get all the credit, but they're like, well, I paid you.

Speaker 4 It's like, I know, but you didn't come up with it. Let me ask you something about, and this is something I've been thinking about: your past.

Speaker 4 And you're talking about, I'm talking about stuff, memories from childhood,

Speaker 4 high school, whatever the past is. And

Speaker 4 the way I remember things and I feel and experienced it isn't necessarily, is it exactly the way it happened? No.

Speaker 4 Right? There's always something else like you're through time, they get exaggerated or you miss detail. Right.
Right. Or something.

Speaker 4 So I just, you know, how can you one write a book when it's when that's in play? Well, this was the whole thing about the James Frey thing. Do you remember the James Frey Million Little Pieces?

Speaker 4 Do you remember this controversy? I forget.

Speaker 4 It's like one of the best books I've ever read, but Oprah at one point like touted it as like, you know, she did like their Oprah book club where it was like, she'd get these great books.

Speaker 4 But then it came out that the story wasn't a true

Speaker 4 autobiography. There was some fiction to it.
And he got ripped online into a billion little pieces.

Speaker 4 Fuck yeah, juice. He got ripped for it to say like his account was falsified and it was, and then he had to go like on an apology tour and all this stuff.

Speaker 4 And it was like, dude, our entertainment is going to be hyperbolized. Every joke you've ever told is not 100% accurate or true.

Speaker 4 We talked at lunch about when I say my dad, sometimes I'm blending a story from my real dad and sometimes from my stepdad, and I make them one guy because it helps the story.

Speaker 4 I have stories that I heard from other people.

Speaker 4 Of course. You know what I mean? Then I'm like, I'm going to incorporate that into my life.
You're getting molested by a Down syndrome guy? Was that somebody else's? No, that was yours.

Speaker 4 There's one in particular about the alien guy. The alien guy.
When I was in an AA meeting, I met a guy. Oh, yeah, yeah.
He took me to the van. That happened to my other friend.

Speaker 4 Not to you. No.
Yeah, that's fine. But I took on that story, and I've said that.
You know what I mean? That's totally fine. That's a part of entertainment.

Speaker 4 So that's my problem: when someone's like, that's not the whole truth. It's like, yeah, I'm not a fucking reporter for the news.
I'm not. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 This is all for fun and entertainment. I know, I know.
But it gets, it gets, it gets, yeah. It gets all foggy.
People want it to always be real. Like,

Speaker 4 Ben Harper became a buddy, and I had said,

Speaker 4 I asked him when we first hung out if he really smoked a lot of pot, because his most famous song was Burn One Down. It was like a college anthem for every frat guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 And he's like, I don't, I don't smoke pot.

Speaker 4 That was me speaking as if I was one of my closest friends who he's like, in my mind, is like a pot addict or a pot head. He smokes pot all day, every day.

Speaker 4 And so he took on this personality of this to write the song. Yet every fan thinks it's Ben.
Yeah. But Ben doesn't

Speaker 4 smoke pot. Yeah.
So I'm like, that's the beauty. And if you found out that it's true, does that make you hate the song now?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 That's not fair. That's not fair.
Because you love the song. It's like you love the joke.
You love the story that someone tells. Why does it matter? I mean, there are factual things.

Speaker 4 Like, I grew up in San Diego. My parents don't clothing business.
Your dad beat you with a golf club. All this stuff is real.
But was it a golf club? Or was it something else? It was something else.

Speaker 4 See?

Speaker 4 Ping-pong paddle.

Speaker 4 And to me, that's funnier.

Speaker 4 And I don't know why you got rid of that one. Yeah, it's better.
It's the ping-pong paddle. Ping-pong paddle.
Which side? The green or the red? You know, you got the red side, did it?

Speaker 4 The red side, yeah. Yeah, Yeah, it's harder.
Yeah, yeah. That's so funny that you got beat with that.
Like, do you have a joke like that where you hyperbolize the truth?

Speaker 4 You expand on the, you know, the, you stretch what didn't really happen or whatever?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I have some stuff about that. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Could you give us an example? She doesn't want to. Oh, yeah, no.
That'll do it.

Speaker 2 No, I used to have a joke about my dad not calling me back

Speaker 2 because that would happen sometimes. He'd be busy.

Speaker 2 But it wasn't like never.

Speaker 2 So I hyperbolized that in the joke where it was like that

Speaker 2 song cat's cradle. You know, that song.
And it's like...

Speaker 4 Silver spoon. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And this would be like, I got home from college and I called my dad. He said he'd call me back, but he never did.

Speaker 4 It was like something like stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 That's pretty innocent. It's innocent.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 4 We all do it. Yeah.
Well, that's a part of storytelling and joke writing that I think is so, it's like so interesting is when you hear something, people do go, is that true? Yeah.

Speaker 4 Is that part true? Yeah. And you're like, I don't know.
Do you really want to know? Doesn't that take away some of the fucking fun?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 4 It's kind of like, you know what I mean? It's crazy. Yeah.
You kind of wanted to live in this fun. A fun realm.
Yeah, in a vacuum of whatever it is. And then you enjoy it.
And then it's done.

Speaker 4 And it's like, who cares? Yeah, I also find it weird that like, you know, at the end of the day, my life isn't that exciting. Nobody's is.
You know, people think that I have this exciting life.

Speaker 4 No, it's awfully boring. I woke up.
I looked on my news thing on my phone, looked at the texts. I drank some coffee and I just sat there for an hour.
Yeah. Like, what do I do today?

Speaker 4 Like, the day is not that fun. I woke up this morning.
I went to a fitting. Yeah.
You know,

Speaker 4 I ended up getting stoned with Lil Pump and a bunch of his crew. Then I went and had lunch with like Snoop and it was like, that's not, it's not even that fun because it was a salad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Like, who gives a shit if I have a salad with Snoop? Exactly. Right.
And it's like, it's just not, nothing is that. It's not that crazy.

Speaker 4 Like, Michael Shannon and I went bowling this afternoon, but it's like big fucking deal. That's every, you could, anybody could do that.
But you know what? Your life, you know, I know you're.

Speaker 4 And then when I was done i went to i took a private chat up to san francisco to meet taylor swift to just like go over her set because she's like i just want you to hammer it out but it's like that's not fun it's not me doing the set it's taylor

Speaker 4 you know yeah but can i be honest with you yeah in new york there is a part of that about you what are you talking about you go i'm gonna go have dinner with my friend we're not gonna say his name i go can i go and you're like i guess So you brought me to this fancy restaurant.

Speaker 4 First of all, let's be honest. We're not going to say it's a friend.
No, but if we're going to be honest, I was very excited you wanted to go. I was like, do you really want to go? I heard, I guess.

Speaker 4 You are. See, this is what we just talked about.
You heard what you want to hear. I heard, like, I had to fight for it.
Oh, my God. You're such a victim.
It's insane.

Speaker 4 And actually, you literally saw your famous friend. And I said, do you really want to go? Because we can change the reservation.

Speaker 4 I'd love to have you, but you got to seriously want to go because you made it sound like maybe I'll go to dinner, maybe I won't. Okay.
So I was like, I'd love to have you. So I went.
And we went.

Speaker 4 Did you get to that? Yeah, okay, fine. We went to this fancy restaurant, right? And his super famous friend.

Speaker 4 We didn't do anything. We went and had dinner with the guy.
Yeah, but that's what I'm saying is that that whole rant that you wanted before, it is similar to your life. No, that's not.

Speaker 4 Yeah, because I know certain things about you. You're going to a special, I'm not going to say name, but you're going on a special trip with special, you know,

Speaker 4 fuck you. You're going on a special trip with special people where you have to call, make arrangements, right? It's only, it's an I couldn't go there.
You know that.

Speaker 4 If I wanted to go, could I go?

Speaker 4 Only because what we're going to do there is... Exactly.
My point is that. We're going golfing.
You don't golf. If you do do things that I don't do.
But you don't golf. If you golf.
It doesn't matter.

Speaker 4 I'm never invited to anything like it. Then go to a League of Legends tournaments with famous people.
Go to like a fucking...

Speaker 4 And now you're doing fucking, you're making fun of me because I play video games. No, I'm not.
I'm saying that's your thing. You make fun of me because I golf.
That's my thing. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 Guy, hey, you do, guy, you do, do, do. Am I right, though? You would go to what your hobby is with your friends.

Speaker 4 Let me just say something, all right? Look at me right now.

Speaker 4 So what I'm basically saying is this, all right? This dude right here, right?

Speaker 4 He does adventures that are not normal. That's not true.

Speaker 2 I'm with you.

Speaker 4 Thank you, son. That's not true.
It's so true. Dude, if I'm not going to say it, but if I told you who was going on this trip with you to fucking some...

Speaker 4 Faraway island destination in the woods, right? That's exclusive only and everybody on there is like, holy fuck, that's like the biggest name I've ever seen. That's you.
Go fuck yourself.

Speaker 4 End of story. It's because I'm going golfing with people.

Speaker 4 See what he's doing. But I mean, dude, if your hobby.
Can you back me up? Can you back me up?

Speaker 4 No, if your hobbies included that stuff, like I went, like when I went to Steph Curry's thing, that's because Steph Curry plays golf and has a golf tournament. Right.

Speaker 4 So I went because my friend knows him. Okay.
That's still cool, though. That's still cool.
It is, but it's part of your life. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're being a little bit. Not every golfer.

Speaker 4 My dad played golf for 30 years. He

Speaker 4 never met Steph North Curry. He was not that good.
That's the problem.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 I mean, the point is that you're going to be able to do it.

Speaker 4 There are cool guys like you.

Speaker 4 My friend Mike Young was like that, too. He's still alive.
Yeah, I know. Yeah, Michael Young is still alive.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 But like where you, they go, they go on these adventures that I would never go on.

Speaker 4 But okay. Okay.
Okay, let me play devil's advocate. It's because you don't want to go on a lot of these things.
You'd rather just choose. I would literally suck.
Can you help me with that?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I will say when you...

Speaker 4 Did I go to their dinner in New York? You did. You did.
You did. But if it was in L.A., you wouldn't come.

Speaker 5 Bobby, I thought Mike invited you into Toby McGuire's house.

Speaker 4 That's right. You didn't want to go.
That's right. And you didn't want to go.

Speaker 4 That was 20 years ago. What's the difference at the time? You didn't want to go then.
You don't want to go now. I want to go now.
You want to go to Tobes' place? I'll go anywhere.

Speaker 4 You want me to call Tob Tob? No, I don't want to call Tob Toba. That's not the guy I want to.
My point is this, is that my life day to day is normal. Yours is not.
And let's move on.

Speaker 4 Okay, see, this is unfair. This is where you'll disagree.
Yeah. My life day to day is very normal.
Occasionally, I do. I disagree with you.
Occasionally, I do other stuff.

Speaker 4 I do other stuff occasionally. Yeah, like golf.
Yeah, I like golfing. Okay.

Speaker 4 It's my escape. It's the only thing I have.
Dinners with famous people. He's my friend.
Okay.

Speaker 4 That's it. What are we arguing about? You're special.
No, you make it sound like I have, I live this insane fancy. While I go to A meetings with plumbers.

Speaker 4 We flew on 9-11. Did you feel a little weird?

Speaker 2 No, I almost

Speaker 2 posted a video of the plane, and then I put that song, Juicy.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, from Biggie, yeah.

Speaker 2 From Biggie, and there's a line in it where he says he's blowing up.

Speaker 4 Like the world trade. Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 Really glad. That wasn't deliberate, though.
That was totally on accident.

Speaker 2 On accident, but I'm really glad I didn't post it.

Speaker 4 Well, you did. I thought I saw it.

Speaker 2 And now

Speaker 2 something got, like, I almost posted it, but the service went out because we were, like, taking off,

Speaker 2 and then it didn't post. And then I was

Speaker 4 listening to the song, and I was like, thank God I didn't post this. Did you feel weird flying on 9-11?

Speaker 5 I was excited. I was like.

Speaker 4 You hope it was going to happen to you? Yeah. Oh, well, of course.

Speaker 4 Whoop, where were you coming back from? Austin. Why were you down there?

Speaker 5 I went to a football game with my family.

Speaker 4 Just the Sky Rich kids.

Speaker 4 Yes. See? Okay, so see, you can make fun of me for living life, but like he lives this rich fancy boy life.
Yeah, but he gets to jet set at will wherever he wants. He never did the work.

Speaker 4 I know.

Speaker 4 That's what sucks. That's what sucks.
He never did the work. You did the work, so I'm just playing with you.
I love that. This dude right here, no work.
He was born. I'm literally at work right now.

Speaker 4 This is not, this is not work. This is not work.
You press the button.

Speaker 4 No diminishing.

Speaker 4 Yeah, fancy pushes the buttons. Yeah, he is just here during the time.
Wait, timeout. What do you do for us? I'm in Googling for you.
Okay, he's right. He's right.
He's right. Honestly, though,

Speaker 4 we love you. Carlos, we love you.
Literally, I honestly,

Speaker 4 I want to work with you for the rest of my life. I just think that you're so proficient.
Like in New York, you really helped me out. You'd call me.
You would.

Speaker 4 Wait until you see the new Trash Tuesday and see if you still like him. Or what do you do? What did you do?

Speaker 4 What did you do? Say it now. Say it right now so we can fucking brace for it when it happens.
Kalila, or whoa, Annie pulled out a tampon.

Speaker 5 It was like an ultra tampon. It was really big and she dipped it in water and made it all wet.
And Kalila grabbed it.

Speaker 5 And I thought I was going to like play with the tampon or something, but then Kalila made it mistletoe.

Speaker 4 Oh my god. And what?

Speaker 4 I got peer pressured. And what?

Speaker 4 Put the mic near your mouth. I want to hear you say it.
I want to hear you say what. You got peer pressured.
And what?

Speaker 5 It was just a little.

Speaker 4 And what?

Speaker 5 It was just a little dab on. like...

Speaker 4 Tongue. If this is Kalila,

Speaker 4 it looks like her.

Speaker 4 It would just be this.

Speaker 4 Okay, I'm going to watch the video. Oh, my God.
And if it's not that...

Speaker 4 It is that, I promise. Be honest with me right now.

Speaker 5 This is my one chance to tell the truth. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah. You said it.
I'm going to say something right now. I kind of want to take a walk for a minute.
Flame with fire. That's the last pack you get.
No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 4 No, no. I shouldn't let it go.
Do not let it go. Yeah, you're right.
Do not hold on to this. Son of a bitch.
Yeah, there it is. You Mexican Mexican beast of shit.
Yeah, hit him hard.

Speaker 4 Hit him harder than that. Yeah, that's not enough.
Hit him hard. You balding, mediocre.
Pretty good? That's great. Get it going.
Lazy.

Speaker 4 Hit him hard.

Speaker 4 Entitled. Do not pull off.
Yeah. Go, take off.
Living off your Mexican money. Fuck yeah, we're flying now.
My Mexican money. Now ascend.
Talentless. Ooh, that one hurts.
Right. Yeah.
Bean. Yes.
Bean.

Speaker 4 Bean. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Can I ask you? Yeah.

Speaker 4 All jokes aside.

Speaker 5 No, don't do that. No, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Don't ask. Hey,

Speaker 4 did you get aroused? Did you like it? Look at me in the face. Look at me in the face.
Don't look away. Stop looking away.
Look at me in the face the whole time. Fancy, pull the mic near his mouth.

Speaker 4 Don't close your eyes. Don't shift your eyes.
Because you know what they say when you're lying, you shift your eyes. Look at me in the eyes.
Did you like it?

Speaker 5 I did not like it, Andrew.

Speaker 4 Oh my God. I looked straight at it.
He fucking loved it.

Speaker 4 Bobby, look at me. She liked it more.
Boa! Whoa. She complimented my kiss.
Oh.

Speaker 4 She complimented mine. She was like, oh, your lips are like pillows.

Speaker 2 Can I just say

Speaker 2 that you

Speaker 4 acted out shitting on him just a few minutes ago? That's right, you did.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you did. For comedy.
Okay. Well, this was for comedy.
That's not. Was it?

Speaker 5 I mean, you got to ask Annie and them.

Speaker 4 Oof.

Speaker 4 Look at me in the face. Ask me, did you like it? Like, you're me and I'm Carlos.
Go ahead. Ask.
I'm Carlos. Did you like it? I did not.

Speaker 4 That's what he did. That's what he did.
And it was so see-through. Yeah.
I saw his brain going, say no, say, no, say no, say no, say, no. Like, you would have gone to prison if you were in court.

Speaker 4 Yeah, lock him up. Yeah.
Did you murder Miss Andrews? No.

Speaker 4 You're going to prison. Yeah, you're going to prison.
They know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God, Carlos. Well, what do we have to do now to make up for this blasphemy? Can I ask you another question?

Speaker 4 Since we're here, and you know what? If you're honest with me right now,

Speaker 4 there's no consequence. Have you ever jerked off to a Kalila? No.
No, don't. Don't answer so fast.
So fast. Don't answer so fucking fast.

Speaker 4 Have you ever jerked off to Kalila? Slow down. Be conscious of the answer.
You don't jerk jerk off sex workers. You only jerk off to sex workers.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 4 So let's let we need to rectify this on another episode. Yeah.
But I got to tell you, I love you. I've always loved you, Carlos.
You know, we've been close for years.

Speaker 4 I think you're such a wonderful person. This is going to be tough.
Whatever comes of this is just going to be tough.

Speaker 4 And I hope you just, you just got to, you just got to deal with the wrath of Bobby Lee. Yep.

Speaker 2 This is getting twisted.

Speaker 4 Is Bobby Lee somebody that holds a grudge and enacts some awful shit on people he holds a grudge on? You better believe it. You better believe it.
Is this going to be an easy ride for you?

Speaker 4 It's going to be pretty bumpy. I'd strap on.
Put a strap on on. I'm ready.
Okay.

Speaker 4 I can't look at Bobby right now. No, and you should, and honestly.

Speaker 4 Let me ask you something. Have you ever been in a relationship? Yes, he was married.
You were married, right? Yeah. If I kissed

Speaker 4 your ex-wife. Well, that's different.
He wouldn't give a fuck about that. After you broke up with her, would that be weird?

Speaker 5 It would be weird. Yeah.

Speaker 4 So that's how I feel.

Speaker 4 You know, I'm on Carlos' side for one second. He was bullied into kissing.
The girls pushed him around. They bully him over.
I see what they do to him. It's insane.

Speaker 5 I thought I was going to suck on the tampon.

Speaker 4 Oh, tit?

Speaker 4 You almost said tit. I think he said tit.
Yeah, did you see that? I almost sucked on the tit? No, I'm not going to suck on Kalila's.

Speaker 4 What did you just say? You're going to suck on Kalila's tits? I'm not going to. Edit it so he said yes, fancy.
Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this question, right?

Speaker 4 This is a simple question, right?

Speaker 4 If Andrew was dying from a disease, I am, kind of. Who knows? Right?

Speaker 4 And the only way to cure him, he's going to die in seven days. Carnosia.
Is to eat Kalila's vagina. You have to go down to Kalila.
I'm dying.

Speaker 4 Andrew, yeah. You fucking asshole.
I'm not dying. It was an act.
It was just an act. You know he's not dying.
You know I'm not dying. Disease.
Fuck. Yeah, yeah.
Bro, we just saw your true colors.

Speaker 4 Fucking

Speaker 4 put you in a. Save Andrew.
Yeah, no, no. He's not dying.
What disease that kills somebody in seven days? You said he's dying seven days. Is that right?

Speaker 4 Okay, time out. Yeah, timeout.
Okay. Give him another one.
Juicy is dying. We know she's dying.
She's She's very, very sick. What kind of cancer do you have?

Speaker 4 Mouth cancer. Mouth cancer.
You have mouth cancer. It's going to fall off.
It's going to fall off.

Speaker 2 The whole thing got into it.

Speaker 4 And the only way to save her is we've set up this OnlyFans stream. Yeah.
And you are going to have to eat Kalila's ass to save Jetsuki. Jetsuki, tell him how much you need this.

Speaker 2 Everything I do is with my mouth.

Speaker 4 She eats with it, right?

Speaker 4 Are you going to eat Kalila's ass? No.

Speaker 5 Juicy, you're out.

Speaker 4 You got to leave. That was a trick.
That was a trick. That was a a trick.
She is dying. She actually is dying, and that's fucking awful that you would say that would say that.
Damn it, I'm sorry.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, dude, you just can't win.
You can't win, dude. Yeah.
Well, I got to tell you,

Speaker 4 I think he should close the show. Tell the audience what you want them to hear about what's going on.
Because Bobby, I got to tell you, is frazzled. I can feel it.
I know.

Speaker 5 It's a side. I'm sorry for being a bad friend.

Speaker 4 Great.

Speaker 4 And he got ripped online. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Into a million little pieces.

Speaker 4 Ironically. Fuck yeah, Juice.
Yeah, that's great, man. Come on, give her credit for that great joke.
Come on, Bobby. I didn't even know.
Was that what the book's called? Million Little Pieces, yeah.

Speaker 4 Say it again.

Speaker 4 Say it again.

Speaker 4 Say it again. Ready? He got ripped online.
He got ripped.

Speaker 2 Into a million little pieces.

Speaker 4 Thank you.

Speaker 4 Perfect. Did we get that? We can cut that together.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you're not a Jedi. Okay.
Okay. All right, you're

Speaker 4 since when?

Speaker 4 What am I then? In the Star Wars universe? Yeah. You and I are mechanics on the Death Star.
Well, fine. On the first one that explodes.
We have the tools. You and I are like, eh, eh.

Speaker 4 Oh, do you think...

Speaker 4 We're done. Yeah.

Speaker 4 You? What would you be? Princess Leia. No.
What are you talking about? You're like the fifth wheel in Jabba's fucking hut.

Speaker 4 You know what those dancing girls?

Speaker 4 You're in the waiting room. He never used you.
Yeah. Why did he not use you? You know the lady with the little horn and she's dancing with the chain, right?

Speaker 2 I'm working the cashier.

Speaker 4 No, you're not even there. You're just in a waiting room and you've been there for like 20 years.
That's her right there. That is literally her.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's you. Dancing for Jabba.
Dancing for Jabba.