Bobby’s Ideal Woman NY Edition

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Pet injuries and additional coverage and subject to policy terms. Hey, Bad Friends, I'm shooting my special.
I'm shooting my stand-up special this weekend, this Saturday in Denver, Colorado. Denver, Colorado, come on out.
My last two shows I'm doing on this tour, and then we're not touring for a long time until Bobo and I go do Bad Friends Live sometime next year. So this Saturday, September 24th, I'm doing two shows, 7 to 9 30.

AndrewSantino.com is where you get the tickets. Denver, come out and see me shoot my special,

AndrewSantino.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Why do people have to understand your temperament? Because they have to know who I am to know who I am. We're in New York.
I know. We're in New York.
New York, baby. Your New York impression is so bad.
It's unbelievable. New York, baby.
How are you doing? Hey, baby. In the rain.
Hey, baby. How are you doing? Walking in the rain.
I do a little accent in it. Go ahead.
Hey, baby, how you doing? Hey, baby, how you doing? Yeah, yeah. It's got like a Puerto Rican vibe, no? Hey, guys, we're in New York City.
We're in New York. New York.
We're in New York. Teach me how to talk.
Nobody. There's a bunch of different...
New York. New York.
New York. Give me like three sentences in a row, and I'm going to try to...
All right, this is my best New best New York accent And Wolf can Give me a thumbs up if it's good Okay this is my best New York accent Ready? Yeah Oh Oh Oh That's how they do us when they go California dude Yeah dude Everyone sounds like that dude Yeah New York sounds like us Yeah I don't like it here Unless they're Oh you don't like New York? I don't like it Why have we been having so much fun. No, I have fun with you.
But why? You don't like the city? It's just like, you know, you go down to the lobby of the hotel and everyone's working. Yeah, everyone's busy.
They're on laptops. They're doing things.
Yeah, they're busy. What are they doing? Jobs.
What jobs? This is what it's like to live in LA. Nobody works.
I love it. Nobody works.
I love lazy. But everyone at a coffee shop is doing like a fucking screenplay that's never going to get made.
At least out here they're doing business.

Real jobs.

Are they?

Or are they on YouTube?

Most of them are on YouTube.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But half of their job might be YouTube based.

Another thing is that like, I've never seen this before in my life.

You'll see like a 12-year-old kid.

Yeah.

Alone.

Yes, wandering the streets.

Wandering the streets.

Or working.

Or they're working, yeah.

But they're in a prep school outfit. Yep.
Right outfit And they're just going to school In the big city Don't they get captured? All the time And they don't care? The parents don't care? We just gotta make a new kid That's right, you can, you have more nut juice to make There's more nut juice here in New York Is that a stat? Yep, you can google it There's more nut juice in New York than there is in any state in the United States. Really? Yep.
I got a lot of nut juice, man. You're not as big as New York.
I know, I know. Have you ever gotten your nut juice tested? What do you mean? In terms of how many? Four.
Your semen count? Four. Four.
At a time. Can I tell you I just got mine? How many? 98.6 million.
At one time? One load, 98.6 million sperm. Oh, should get mine tested You gotta see who's got stronger jizz Oh, you think you have stronger I think I have more swimmers, for sure Mine are wading Oh, yours are wading Not wading, wading W-A-D Wading in the water They're just kind of floating, they're relaxing.
They're bobbing in the jizz.

They're bobbing.

Yeah, they're bobbing in the jizz.

Yours is like working.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

My jizz is so anxious to get in.

You know, mine are jerking up

making more jizz.

Your jizz are jerking up.

My jizz jerks off

and makes more jizz.

That makes sense.

And then those wade.

I want to get you tested

to see how many you have

because I bet you

you probably have a ton.

I probably have a lot.

You know, I've gotten women pregnant before. How many times? Twice.
Two times? Yeah. And they were both carried to term? No.
You have two kids? Well, in heaven they'll be up there. Are they whites? They're Kalilahs.
Oh, they're both Kalilahs. Yeah, yeah.
That's cute. So I'm going to go up to heaven when I die and see little Kal...
Thanks a lot, Dad! That's my biggest fear, because they're souls, right?

Yeah, but that's if you believe in that.

Some people believe in that.

I think there are certain religions that believe that you see your unborn child after death.

I don't...

Or what if you see just two sperm up there?

Yeah, they don't talk.

And they're just like mad, but they don't say anything.

We didn't get to develop.

Little angry sperm?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe you do see them in the afternoon.

Do you think mine have little Chinese eyes like this?

Well, that's why they're bumping into everything. They can't see where they're going.
Do you think your sperm has red hair? Bright, bright red hair. That's how it gets through the tunnel.
Just... Yeah.
It can see better through the tunnel. They look like Flaming Hot Cheetos.
Yes. Yeah, yeah, but if you miniaturize it.
That's why when I cum, I go, oh, oh, oh. Oh, it burns? It hurts when it comes out.
Does your cum burn? Every time it comes out. Because you have red hair? Oh, yeah.
Wow. If it didn't have red hair, it wouldn't burn so much.
When you were a kid and you saw the red hair, were you bummed? Sad. Yeah, I'm bummed for you.
Yeah, me too. It's such a weird color, right, Wolf? Like, you have beautiful black hair.
It's cool, relevant, right? Don't try. Don't try this thing that you're doing.
No, he likes me. No, don't try that thing that you're doing.
No, we have John. You have beautiful black hair.
No, we do. We have a good thing going, right? Just doing that thing.
No, look at him. He loves it.
Is he doing the thing? No, he loves it, dude. Beautiful black hair.
You're like a white girl from the suburbs. I love your black hair.
What you people do with your hair. Wolf that what you're feeling? What you people do with your hair is so fun.
I love your black hair. Don't put me in that box.
That is you. I did that, yeah.
Karina. You're an Asian Karen.
You're Karina. I love your black hair.
You think there are Karinas? Karinas. Yeah.
I bet you there's got to be a Karen, an Asian Karen. I've never seen it.
What's it? What's it? Because Karen is the hacky white woman name. What's a hacky? What are you doing in the park with the skateboard? Huh? You know, this is Piper Papadi.
Some kid with a skate, Asian kid with a skateboard. What do you mean? You know what I mean? No, she only does it to white kids.
White kids that are skating in the park. Yeah.
Get out of here. Yeah, yeah.
Why are you grinding?

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is Papa Papa.

You don't grind.

But she knows the lingo.

Right.

She's like, I saw your tray flip.

It was bad.

You tray flip in.

I saw that.

Brunt slide.

You know tray flips?

Brunt slide.

Brunt slide.

Yeah.

Flip it over to a dark side.

Yeah, do a dark side.

Do a dark slide.

If you're really skilled.

Yeah, you're skilled. Bullshit.
Get out of here. That night 360 flip.
The hot flip. Hot flip.
Hot flip, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the most common, what's a shitty Asian woman name? Then that's the Karen for Asians.
Because Karen is the annoying white woman name. Yeah, I don't really know a lot of Asian ladies' names.
What's the most commonorean female name well you know you see a lot of graces yeah grace but that sounds nice yeah because karen has a bite to it karen it the k is that's only because of goodfellas oh karen yeah yeah he fucked it up for karen you think ray leota did that yeah leota did that karen what do you why would you do that, Karen? Yeah, yeah. I was scared.
Yeah. She dumped all the coke in them.
Before that, Karen was cool. It was a hot, cool name.
It's like Hitler. Adolf.
He fucked it up. There's always one thing that fucks it up.
What did he do? Dude, Adolf, I don't remember, but Adolf was cool before he did that. The name Adolf.
Dude, everybody had Adolf. And now you can't do it.
Now you can't do it now you can't do it oh oh oh who's here nobody oh when another person with beautiful black hair go ahead and say it to them and see what they say so many beautiful black haired people here man see that's why you love new york and harlem beautiful black guys literally never been to Harlem. I have no idea where it is.
What part, where is it?

How do you get to Harlem from here?

Subway.

Yeah, but which.

In your face.

Which direction?

Can you get to the subway?

Can you get to Harlem with the subway?

Sure, of course.

You can get anywhere.

In your fucking face.

What direction?

South.

South of here?

North.

North of here.

You go north.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like where?

North.

North where?

Northeast.

Northeast?

Yeah.

Okay.

And then west.

Is it past the park or below the park?

There's so many parks.

Central Park is the park.

Yeah, north.

Thank you. Northeast.
Northeast? Yeah. Okay.
And then west. Is it past the park or below the park? There's so many parks.
Central Park is the park. Yeah, north.
It's north of the park. Yeah.
Okay. Is it not? It is.
End of fucking game. You did it.
End of fucking game. Where's Queens? Oh, this is good.
West? No. It's east.
Well, it's northeast of here. We're downtown.
We're downtown. We're almost...
Because I don't know where I am. Oh, we're downtown.
We're downtown. Oh, then it's fucking east.
Well, it's up and east. Yeah, up and east.
Yeah. It's up and east.
I didn't know where my location was. So, yeah.
It's cool, man. I like going over there.
You do love New York. We've been having so much fun the whole time we've been here.
Yesterday, we went to Staten Island, and we went and did Chrissy Chaos' podcast, and he took us for a good good pizza really good pizza and then it's like the people that work there are so new yorky but that was the first new york like really north new yorky kids i saw staten island kids yeah they were like you know um we met a cool chick who said her boyfriend is a big fan you're feeling indifference what do you mean like they don't care about you at all they're just cooler they're you. They're above it or whatever.
Well, you didn't like it. He doesn't like not getting recognized.
When we walk through the streets, Bobby doesn't like getting not recognized. That's not fucking true, man.
What did you say to me yesterday? Why lie on the show? You said to me, you go, I never said that. That's ridiculous.
You say people notice me more in Brooklyn than they do in Manhattan. Did you say that to me, yes or no? Yeah, as a factual thing.
Well, what was it rooted in? You like being recognized. It was rooted in happiness.
Dude, why do you do this? Why do you do this? You like being recognized. No, I don't.
Yes, you fucking do. You love it.
That's why you walk slow behind me when we walk the streets together. You walk slow behind me like 10 paces because you want to be recognized.
No, can I say something? And you don't want to be recognized together. You want to get real then.
Go ahead. All right.
When we're walking up here, right, some kid, right, goes, you're Andrew Santino? You go, yeah. And he goes, can you help with cancer? Kids with cancer.
Kids with cancer. And you go, fuck off.
Fuck off. And you walked off.
Because I don't, kids with cancer? But that's who you are. Adults with cancer.
I might think about it. I was signing the paperwork.
But kids. I was giving my email.
Yeah, I gave him 40 bucks. Bobby's mad because I said, I'm sorry, we have to keep going.
He goes, can you have a second? You know those people that are like, do you have a second for kids with cancer? It's like, yeah, I do, but not now. Now is not a good time for whatever you've got me on the sidewalk doing.
And Bobby's mad because he didn't recognize him. Isn't that true? You didn't like it that he didn't recognize you.
Your smile says it. Your smile says it.
How does know you and not me? From Davey. I'm on a television show right now.
Oh, yeah. You're on a television show, but it's not as popular.
It is. It actually is going to be bigger.
Well, it's not bigger. It's just cool.
No, Reservation Dog is cool. It's just more relevant.
No, that doesn't mean anything. My show is definitely more relevant.
No, that's not. My show's more popular.
Mine's more important. Important for what? Native.
You're not native. The show is about natives.
I know, and you shouldn't be on it. And I'm contributing it.
You shouldn't be on it. We're cousins.
You're not native. We're cousins.
Koreans and Native Americans are not cousins. You're so stupid sometimes.
I'm closer to Native Americans than you are. I talk to them.
I'm in Oklahoma talking to them. Because you're getting paid to be.
be no no and i mean you wouldn't do it otherwise drink water yeah mr bob drink water yeah yeah the clan the drink drinking water and deer water no deer in water not clan deer in water deer in water yeah deer in water the family well that's offensive they go hey did you know i'm not gonna do the accent do the accent no i won't no no do it they said did you know right that we're cousins and i go how there's a theory you know this theory'm not going to do the accent. Do the accent.
No, I won't. No, no, do it.
They said, did you know, right, that we're cousins?

And I go, how?

There's a theory.

You know this theory, right?

A lot of people believe, right, that Asians crossed the Bering Strait, came down from Canada, and that's where natives come from. But there's another theory that natives started first, and they crossed the other way and made ching chongs.

Which one do you believe?

I believe it's all bullshit.

I think we all came from Africa and the earth fucking hit,

the Iraq hit the fucking earth and then everyone was divided up on different continents.

If you go to 23andMe or any geneticists, right?

23andMe is not valid, by the way.

That's a private company.

DNA or Ancestry.

Another private company.

They solve crimes. They use that for crimes.
They're collecting DNA. Exactly.
So they know shit, right? They can create shit. We're very close in chromosomes.
No, you're not. Yeah.
All right, look it up, dude. Just Google it.
I will Google it. Yeah.
You're the farthest away from being a minority. I am the number one minority on Earth.
No. Redheads are the smallest population on earth.
You're a defect of the white people.

No, no. I'm the superior white.

I'm the superior white. No, you're not.

White people all have defects, and you're

the defective one. I'm the top white.
The redheads

are the ones that came out all, you know what I mean?

Top white. No, they're not.
God blessed us.

And Wolf is laughing. He knows what I'm talking about.
God blessed us the most.

It's like when you see an albino black person, which is

fine. Oh, this is

interesting. I love that.
Let's go there. Go ahead.
Take a shot. They're the good ones.
Oh, they're the good ones? They're the special ones. Are regular black people bad ones? No, they're all good.
Oh, all black people are good? Yeah, yeah. What are you trying to say? They're all good.
Basquiat. So all lives matter.
I love it. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, all lives.
No, just black lives. Just white.
Why are you? I wanted you to say it so bad. Don't trap me.
I wanted you to say it so bad. I love black lives.
But you love all lives. I believe that black lives matter is more important than all lives matter.
But you've said to me before, all lives definitely matter. You've said that.
Yeah, like theoretically and also philosophically, yeah. I disagree.
I think almost no lives matter. Oh, you go against the grain.
I think only a couple of lives matter. Yeah.
Like 10 people matter. But in our moment in American history, right, black lives matter because that's the focal point.
That's who are being targeted by police. Right.
Yeah. And by your people.
Oh, you think Asians are fucking targeting black people? Koreans are the number one targeting black people. Number one people.
That's not true at all. It's all over the paper.
100% not true. The amount of the attacks in this city on Korean and black crime.
You know how much liquor we sell black people? Symbiotic. You know what I wanted? I wanted to start off with a happiness exercise.
Go ahead. I want you to see this girl.
Will you show him that girl, please?

Why are we starting it now?

Wait, I want you to, because I want us to get into this.

We need to humble our mood because we're getting too fast.

Okay.

Too hot and heavy.

Oh, too fast.

I found this girl on TikTok last night.

Yeah.

And I watched all her videos maybe, maybe 10 times a piece.

Okay.

Okay, watch this.

Can you full screen that?

Watch this beautiful girl.

She gives you these breathing and sound exercises. I want to try one.
What is it? She's dead serious. What is it? Push pause.
It's a language. It's a new language.
Play any of the other ones. She has...
You do one. What does it say up top? What does this one say? Soul heart opening.
Right. So if you want to open your soul heart.
Yeah. You just sound fucking Scottish.
Well, that's what she's doing. No, she's not.
You sound like fucking William Wallace. Then you do it, William.
That's what he did when he was fighting. Then you do it.
All right. That's the Asian sound opening.
You sounded Asian even when you try not to.

Let me ask you something. She's speaking to the universe.

If you were hooking with a girl

and she was doing that, would you stop?

I'd come in seconds. You would?

If she started going...

I wouldn't.

I'd be done in a second. Really?

How could you stop?

My dick would just soften in her vagina.

Would you be in character? And then when I pulled out, it would be so My dick would just Soften inner vagina Wait would you go back

Would you be in character?

Would you And then when I pulled out It would be like fucking a gum Piece of gum You're like Pop Yeah I like I would be so fucking soft Would you Would you Would you play along though A little bit? If she started going Would you just go Maybe it would be hot as fuck You turn into a bird That's role play Dude It would be so, it would be so annoying. Give me the other.
There's one more, I think, where it says, like, happiness exercise or something like that. There's one that, what is that? She's so annoyed, dude.
I love this girl. It does feel good, though.
See? Oh, so it did work. It does work.
All right. I fucking...
It feels so... Do it.
You do it. See? It does work.
I feel good. I feel so much better.
I feel clean. Yeah.
Shout out to this chick. What is her profile name on there?

Soul Heart Opening.

Soul Heart Opening.

Do you feel like your soul and your heart is opening up a little bit?

A little bit.

Because I got to tell you, you've been happier than you've ever been lately.

I've seen you smile a lot more.

Yeah.

You danced in your room naked this morning, didn't you, over the city of New York, you told me.

You opened the blinds and you just whirled around the room.

No, because I just like being here.

I know what I'm saying. You say you love waking up in the morning in a new city and you were in the window naked dancing around.
Well, I mean, it's because, you know, we were in the pandemic for so long. And you didn't get to go to hotels.
I didn't get to do any of it. And it's just like, you know, I just feel a little freer.
That's all. It's nice to go.
Well, I think it's also not being at home sometimes because you wake up at home. It's the same exercise that you always do.
You get up, you take a shit, you do this, you do that, you make coffee. You have the same pattern.
At least when you wake up in a new city, there's no timeline. Have you ever had jock itch? What? Have you ever had jock itch? Jock itch? Yeah.
Are you having it? I had it a couple weeks ago. I think it's gone now.
How did you get a jock? You're not a jock. How would you get that? I know.
I never did anything. I don't do it now., you know, you just shaved your pubes.
Maybe it's itchy. Is that what it is? Yeah.
No, but it's not even on the pew part. It was off the side.
On your thigh? Yeah. Between the sack and the thigh? But your thighs rub together, yeah? Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's why. But does that ever happen to you? No, I'm in shape.
You need to just get some baby powder and put it on the inside of your little tiny Asian thighs. Can we get some afterwards? 100%.
Okay. Go to Dwayne Reed.
Baby powder? Baby powder. How much does that cost? Like $700 or $800 for just like a little six-ounce.
How much does it cost? It's like $10. Oh, $10? Okay.
Yeah. You're scared now about money? I just watched you order a whole lunch that you didn't even eat.
I know because I don't like buying things that I'm not only going to use once. That's exactly what you do.
That's like your whole life. I'm trying to change my way.
How many vape pens do you have with you on vacation now or on the trip? Omni right now? Yeah. Let's go through.
Not a lot. Let's go through.
I got one. What's that one called? This is Elf Bar, Tropical Rainbow Blast.
Elf Bar? I have this one, Flume. Flume, oh, I've seen that.
Ice Berry Lemon. Ooh.
I have this one flume flume ice berry lemon oh i have this one ice cola by fog xbox okay oh xbox does that now yeah yeah 60 or i got another one it's this is cola another freeze i got this one vietnamese coffee vietnamese coffee that one's good I have this one It's called tobacco Just a couple I guess That's it We went shopping and bought Bob show everybody your bag That we bought yesterday From Fall How do you say Fall Is it Fall Raven Yeah Fall Raven I think they're Swedish Yeah I really like these bags. Fall Raven? Fall Raven.
And we walked in there, and the guy says to Bobby, Come on, it's funny. Don't hurt me.
Bobby goes, I just want a bag. I know exactly what I want.
I want like a strap. And the girl says, I use this one.
They're so dope. And so Bobby sees it and goes, that is dope.
Can I have the yellow one? Yeah. She pulls it down, and we go up to the front, and there's a dude up there.
Well, there was a joke that you said. What did I say? When I picked the yellow one.
No, you first picked the orange one. No, when I picked the yellow one, you go, oh, it matches the skin.
Matches your skin. Your skin.
And then she goes, oh, that's uncomfortable. She goes, you can say that.
I can't say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, something like that.
I said, well, it'll blend right in. You won't even know that you're wearing it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the guy at the front desk goes, he goes, oh, man, Bobby Lee.
And I go, yes, it is. And the guy goes, man, I used to watch you on TV.
How come you're not on TV no more? And I said, he is on TV still. He's on a couple of TV shows.
It hurts me. And he goes, nah, man, I ain't seen you on TV no more.
It was awesome. Why do you like that? Because it was funny.
And his friend in the back was laughing. Dying laughing.
Dying laughing. Well, because they don't know that it's mean.
He doesn't mean it mean. Right, right.
He's not mean. It's not mean.
I was fine. No, no, no.
But it stays with you. Yeah, it does stay with you, but it's fine.
It's fine. I mean, yeah.
People do it all the time. Look, when people say to me something like, oh, you're in that show.
And I'll go, yeah. And they go, I don't really like that show.
You're funny but i don't like that show how does that hurt you're good in it yeah but they're it's better than it's better than what have you been doing for 20 years but basically it's the same thing it's like saying like i don't like that thing but i think you're okay all right but it's like well don't i don't need to know that yeah you need to tell me you don't like it if you don't like it that's okay but i don't need to know that you don't like it that's weird as shit that's like every time I walk past a restaurant out loud I went I don't like Al Chaval and just said it to the guy at the front and he's like oh okay and said yeah I don't like it but okay bye I remember when I did the movie The Dictator I was sitting there at the comedy store and Bill Burr walked by and he goes saw The Dictator hated it but you're good and that still felt good yeah but from Bill Burr it's fine from a guy on the street it's different That's true Bill Burr walked by and he goes, saw the dictator, hated it, but you're good. And that still felt good.
Yeah, but from Bill Burr, it's fine. Yeah, yeah.
From a guy on the street, it's different. That's true.
Bill Burr is someone you respect. It's a colleague.
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Code is BADFRIENDS. Do you get nervous when you talk to him? Not anymore, but I know what you're saying.
I don't get nervous. It's not nervous.
It's you're thinking about what you're saying. Yeah, you're thinking about it, and also you're ready.
Yeah, yeah, I'm loaded. Like, I'm loaded.
I have a thing I want to say. Yeah, and sometimes you'll go, don't worry about it.
I'm not going to attack you today. Sometimes.
Sometimes, right? But I'm like up. You're on guard.
Yeah, I'm like that with Chris Rock, like with chris rocks around say marin i never talk to him but i'll always i and then when he locks eyes i'll always give him a pound he'll go what's up man this and that right but i'm always so aware of it why are we like that because uh because we respect them maybe but i respect de stefano i don't feel that way with him, no, but we respect them in a way that they're kind of like a superior in comedy to us. They are superior.
Yeah, 100%. Chris fucking Rock.
He's a legend. Yeah, I mean, it's just because we respect him at a higher level.
Like, DeStefano is our peer. He's our friend.
We love his stuff, but it's different. He's our friend and peer.
We're like Rock or Burr, those guys. I don't know.
We hold them on a little bit of a higher thing.

I think we do.

Like I've seen Colin Quinn here at the cellar and I don't dare say hello.

You don't?

Never.

He doesn't know who the fuck I am.

And that's fine.

But also I would never even introduce myself.

Who is that?

Colin Quinn?

Yeah.

Are you fucking?

Shut up.

You're so annoying.

I know.

I wouldn't even say hi.

I don't.

He's great. But why would I say hi? He doesn't know me.
And also I don't want to do that thing Where you go Hey I'm a comic And then he'll go So Can I ask you something That annoyed me the other day That I did No something that I saw And then I kind of mentioned it To some people And they go What's the big deal What So I'm doing the improv on a Saturday night on Melrose. Yeah, yeah.
And there's a guy on the lineup before me. And it's, you know, it's a Saturday main room, right? And I got off stage and he was outside passing out his flyer for gigs that he's doing.
What? Yeah. He's like, come check me out here.

Headline, check me out.

Wait, wait, go like this and say who it was.

I don't know his name.

Oh.

I didn't even memorize his name.

I was like, what?

But he was a kid and he was on the main room show and yet he's out there just going,

hey, my name is this.

Come check me out.

I kind of respect the hustle.

I'm not going to lie.

Really?

He's got a hustle.

What the fuck?

He's got a hustle.

I don't know.

Yeah, but that's not how you do it.

Was he funny?

Yeah. Well, then respect that.
But that's not how you do it. How do you do it? My theory is this.
You do the work and people will come to you. But maybe he's not as good as you, Bobby, so he needs to hustle.
He is good. He made it to the main room show.
But maybe he needs the hustle to grow because the times are different. When you made it, it was different.
Let me say something to you. You made it 20 years ago.
Fuck you. 30 years ago.
Fuck you. 40 years ago, maybe.
That's funny. You made it a long time ago.
That's funny. You made it when Mitzi was like 18.
I mean, she was a kid when you made it. Old jokes.
I love it. You got past...
Hey, fuck you, man. You got past when you were a thin, burgeoning, your eyes were wide, well, your eyes were open to the future.
You were wide-eyed and bushy-tailed so you're doing old jokes and asian eyes jokes yeah where am i what what you think something's changed around the show just because we're in my point is is this okay is back in my day it was harder would you say that in the 90s no it was different there was no internet i know and now these kids are competing on the internet, so it's even harder for them. Now they have nothing but competition.
Now the competition is right next to them. Instead, you had to go live and do it in front of people.
I think it's a different kind of difficulty. You can't compare it.
This is like the Jordan fucking, you know, like Jordan-LeBron debate or whatever, or any of these athletes from different eras. It's like, you can't.
It's not apples to apples. It's impossible.
There's so many factors that changed in our profession that you just, there's no way to say that was harder. I'm sure old heads would say it.
You just changed my mind. I love you.
You did. Like Seinfeld would probably be like, oh, it was way harder back then.
But you're like. Because maybe if I worked harder, maybe I would be bigger.
Bigger than what? What do you want to be? What does that even mean? I don't know. You're as big as you want to be.
Exactly. So you're great.
Okay. Wolf loves you.
Wolf likes me. No, he loves you.
You know what I love? His black hair. Yep.
It's beautiful. It's luscious.
The amount of letters we're going to get for this. What? You guys should not joke around about that stuff.
About what? Oh, you know, dude. You know.
You know what I have to learn? You know how when I'm on stage, I'll touch people's hair? Don't do that at all. No, I do.
Oh, you don't do that. I do it all the time.
I've told you you can't touch people. Yeah, so I touch people's hair and I go, hi, welcome to the show, right? Yeah.
But I learned not to do it to black women's hair. They don't like it.
Yeah, that's like, I think you get five to seven years from it. Yeah, they don't like it.
I think that's a big fucking... That's a big no-no.
Also, if you get punched or slapped because of it, then you deserve it. Yeah.
But here's the... Have you ever gotten violent, like an attack? Verbally.
But you've never been physically assaulted? No. Oh, I mean, a guy threw a shoe at me in San Diego at the La Jolla Comedy Store.
Oh, he did? It was the funniest. I died laughing.
Oh, did you dodge like George Bush did? I did. Remember when he did that? And I went, throw the other one.
Yeah. He threw a sandal.
That's when I respected George Bush, by the way. 100%.
I hated him before. Like, oh, dude contact.
He ducked. Yeah, he looked.
He did this with his head, too. Little Bobby.
Yeah, dude, man. But I also wanted the guy to throw the other shoe.
I was like, throw the second shoe. All right.
You have two shoes. Now you're going to be on one shoe? They tackled him? Did they? It's hard for the second shoe.
I don't know, man. He got one off screen.
When you throw one shoe at a president, you have a split second time. Well, you got to have each shoe in a hand.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, he didn't think it through.
No, he's an idiot. Look at there's Allie.
Oh, come on in. Allie.
Hi. Allie Makovsky is here, a Los Angeles-based comedian.
Did you do your hair appointment? Who is in New York doing shows. She canceled a hair appointment to come here because she said it's raining anyway.
Did you do your hair appointment? No. Why? Bring the mic up.
Well, first of all, you guys, I felt like an idiot. You called me to do the podcast, and I'm like, I have a hair appointment.
And then I was like, what the fuck am I doing? Allie Makofsky's here. She's a little sister to me.
She's been on the road with me. Now my little birdie flies as free as she could ever fly, so she doesn't need to come with me anymore.
She's a headliner. And she's going to be doing the show with us in Gramercy, which when this episode comes out, it'll be over yeah and i probably did so well you know but you know you almost made me mad allie do well because when you first asked her she goes i can't i have a hair appointment yeah right and then at that point i was just like wow wow we can't beat a hair appointment yeah and then you called back and you said Yeah.
Yeah. Because it was one of those things, I hate having to cancel on appointments and things like that.
I feel like it's so disrespectful. Yeah.
But I also made the appointment last minute. So I'm like, they haven't even thought about me for more than 30 seconds.
But how long did it take you to call us back? Literally, as soon as I hung up, I was like, what am I doing? She texted me right away. Oh, yeah.
But you know what's so interesting you tell me because i don't know with guys hair it doesn't it's different yeah but a girl's hair is a whole fucking thing it's super expensive it's a long process when you cancel are they really upset if it's like been in the books and there's a whole process but i'm just getting a blowout i just want someone to wash my hair there's nothing better than someone else Scrubbing your scalp Why can't you wash yourself? I can Women are lazy dude They're so lazy I grew up with a single father I didn't know that Yeah it was just my dad Well she also had a single mom too But I wasn't with her as much. Why, why, why, why, why, why? She's an alcoholic.
Oh, no. Not anymore.
No, she's still in the game. Wait, she's still drinking? She hasn't hung up the jersey yet.
She goes long periods of time without it. So it's just, you never know.
How come I never hung out with your mom? She rocks. I love her.
I love drinking. Yeah, next time she's on a bender, I'll hit you up.
I would love to party with your mom. Does she do cocaine too? No.
She's like very much like.

She does cocaine.

Nobody drinks that much and doesn't do cocaine.

How do you think they keep drinking?

I think she likes to sleep.

Oh, she's big on the sleeping.

So she's anti.

Anti-coke.

Anti-coke.

She's like a very naturally high, strong person.

She's got a lot of energy.

She lives clean in the house.

Where does she live?

In the Bay or in the South Bay. By Long Beach.
So that's Long Beach? Well, she's from down there. Oh, you are? Yeah.
Oh, but I never learned how to do my own hair. I don't want to.
I like when someone else does it. Oh, okay.
Because you grew up with mostly your dad. Dad didn't do your hair, did he? And I had two older sisters, but they didn't want to show me how to do it.
They also were struggling to figure out how do it yeah i've seen their hair i get that neither of them know what they're when did you when did you first get sober i got sober when i was like i think 20. did i know you then or no i don't think so yeah yeah i don't think so i think we only knew each well well actually how old were you when when we met i mean i feel like i i don't know because i feel like i saw you guys at the store a lot because i was just lingering you were there a lot as a young open mic girl i was like getting fucked up at the comedy store under age bad girl bad i could have gotten them in trouble right they did get in a load of trouble at one point do you remember this oh God.
They got in so much fucking trouble because they sent in, the LAPD had found out that people were getting fucked up there. And a mom of a kid called the police on the comedy store and said, my kid got fucked up there.
They got in trouble. Blah, blah, blah.
They sent an undercover. This is back in.
Is this true? Yes. This is Tommy Days, though.
Oh, okay. It's a completely different business.
I've been there since the 90s. It's just night and day.
It's like... But it used to be...
People used to run... Chaos.
Chaos. It was nuts.
I got beat the fuck out of there. Yeah, I like that.
By the Jew. Say it again.
Ari Shafir. The number one Jew.
The number one Jew. He beat the shit out of me.
He smacked you around, yeah. But you guys were friends, right? No, not then.
Oh. I hated him.
Yeah, he beat the shit out of me, and they wouldn't call? No not then I hated him He beat the shit out of me and they wouldn't call the cops I'm bleeding What started it? He called him a Jew What were you wearing? You don't know what happened? Were you wearing your swastika shirt? Yeah He had a big swastika shirt he used to wear My mustache was different It was like, my mustache was different. It was like one of those little ones.
Yeah. It was like a square right there.
What do you think is the time frame of that mustache coming back in style? It's about to happen. There's got to be a certain time where it's- There's a group of guys in Brooklyn right now that have that, without a doubt.
And Williamsburg is right there, but I really need that. They're called the Proud Boys.
PBs. Yeah, yeah, no.
So really, you've seen people with that fucking mustache? Without a doubt, it exists. I've never seen one person have you ever seen a hitler mustache out and about yeah see it's out in the hitler mustache it's there cool guys cool hip dudes you know yeah cool guys that fucking teeter on the edge yeah they love it and then if somebody says something they're like really like no i was a hitler mustache i was a fucking piece of shit like they throw it back in your face like right and, get out of here, dude.
But I can't see how that was fashionable even back then. It looks cool as fuck.
It doesn't. It looks awesome.
That's supposed to be here, not here. No, it looks strong.
It just looks like strength coming out of your nose. It does.
You guys are down here. You guys started down here.
We did the Fu Manchu. We did the opposite.
Love Fu Manchu. We went down.
Should I Should I do that? You should do it. I would love.
A Fu Manchu. He can do it better because his hair.
See his beard hair? How it's like stringier? Yeah. Mine is bush.
Like my bush. It's too thick.
It doesn't go down. It would come out like this.
It's forward. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But yours is beautiful. No, because this does grow down.
I'm going to do Fu Manchu. Please.
You will? I'll try to do it with you. All right.
Let's do a Fu Manchu contest ever shave huh would you ever shave this beautiful thing i shaved no because i don't like my face i shaved my beard like four times in the history of me being in hollywood like for a job i did it for arrested development and then did they have a moment where they're like we're gonna shave your face and you're like it doesn't look good and they're like we have to and then they realize they fucked up like they're like put it back yeah and they have to just glue it right back on my face yeah no every time though it just doesn't i look as old as i'm going to look so like it even without it it's not like it ages me down when i shave i just look like me without facial hair yeah which i'm still a cutie pie it's just not the same but i But I love my face. I've had this since I was 16.

I grew facial hair when I was 15 years old, and I loved it.

And I never not got rid of it. I just started getting facial hairs.

Really?

Yeah.

Do you have a mustache?

I have a mustache, for sure.

Do you wax it?

I waxed it, yeah.

Do you have a really bush?

I feel like you have a real bush, like an Amazonian bush.

Yeah, because I have like Russian DNA.

You're Russian Jewish.

Yeah, you know Russian Jews have the thickest bush. Oh, yeah.
So it's a nightmare. Do you have hair on your nipples? Not yet.
I have one. You keep it? I keep it.
Why? Because I like it. It's for good luck.
It's only one. But is it long? It's probably long.
No, no, no. Oh, it's not? It's not bad.
When she gets married, it says, will you take this woman to be your... You now pick the nipple.
And then, bing, you can pick the nipple hair. That signifies love.
So what's your ideal? If you could, like, draw, like, if we had, like, one of those crime investigative drawers. Very interesting.
You should get one of those on the pod. Okay, so she's, um.
Bobby's ideal woman. 5'8".
Good number. I'm 5'8".
Oh, careful. What if he just keeps describing me, and I'm like, why did you guys bring me? Yeah, yeah.
Allison, Allie, one of those. She has stringy, dirty hair.
Okay. One nipple hair.
Okay. I feel like I know someone like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know Snuffleupagus? Yes.
From Sesame Street? Yeah. Imagine if Snuffleupagus just bushes down here.
Oh, I love it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the kind of girl you have. Yeah, and the clit is as long as Snuffleupagus's...
Snout. Snout.
Yeah, his snuffy snout. Right.
Okay, then it's not me. Yeah.
No, she's cocky. I don't even have a hole down there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, um...
Yeah, no, it's not... No, I'll tell you real, okay? So about 5'8", 5'9".
Mm- five three i want to imagine the he's five three five three okay yeah five three five four hey yeah it's on five foot two it's two without shoes we measured the studio we already five two without you're insane five three with socks and And spiky hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
5'3 with spiky hair. All right, so.
She's 5'8. She's thin.
What does thin mean? Give me a weight range. 125? 5'8, 125 is pretty thin.
That's really small. No, no, no.
It's just really thin. No, that's like really small.
It's really thin. That's like not even practical.
That's really thin. 5'30.
I mean, 130, I mean. Five more pounds? That's so funny.
135. Not even a shit.
135. 125 is what every woman says on their driver's license.
125? Yeah. Unless you're like over 200 pounds.
If you're 189 pounds, you're like, I'm 120. What do you say on your driver's license? 120.
You do? That's so funny. They all say that.
Do you think I'm 120? Because a lot of guys think that people it won't hurt my feelings if you say no. I wouldn't know.
You know, here's why weights are tough. Because everyone holds weight different.
People look at me. I'm 6'1".
How much do you think I weigh? I'm so bad at estimating. I can never work at a carnival.
210. No.
I'm going to say How big is your penis? Okay. The whole thing? Yeah.
I'll say 190. 195.
Whoa! Sign me up. That's actually really good.
Because I can't guess. Because you're, to me, are you 180? Or 185? You're 190? How much? You know.
It's 165, yeah. Is that good or bad? It's good.
It's very good. It's not fat.
Well, because muscle weighs more than fat. And he's got so much more fat than muscle.
A lot of skin. It's mostly fat.
Skin too. A lot of skin.
And blood. Skin and A lot of skin And blood Skin and blood Blood

Yeah yeah

A lot of blood

You know why I'm fat

Is because of my blood

Let's go back to my girl

Alright 5'8

Thin

125

125 to 145

I don't like big breasts

You don't like big breasts

I like mid range

I don't know the cup size

Or whatever

But I don't like big areolas

You're a BC guy

What's BC mean?

B or C

You don't want D's

I don't want D's

Okay

Yeah yeah

It's just

I don't like it

Thank you. But I don't like big areolas.
You're a BC guy. BC guy.
What's BC mean? B or C. You don't want Ds.
I don't want Ds. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. It's just, I don't like it.
It's okay. You don't have to like it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nipple hair or no? No.
Okay. No nipple hair.
Jesus. Jolly.
I like a pretty face. What does that mean? Symmetrical.
Yeah, they're just certain. Like, I met a girl the other night Where she was 5 foot She had Very small breasts You love small tits But her face was so beautiful That I was willing to compromise That's nice of you And she was so funny too Did she have to compromise anything with you.
Yeah? Well, what about piercings? I don't like piercings. Nose? No, no piercings.
Like, I matched, I saw a girl on Tinder, and she has one of those gigantic... Gages.
Whole things in her ears. Yeah.
I don't like it. Like a dinner plate? I went through a phase where I was about to get gauges.
Is that what that is? Gauges? Gauges are down here, but you stretch them out. Yeah, I don't like that.
I don't like that. That could have been me.
I could have been a gauge girl. No tongue ring? No, I don't like it.
What about this one? This one's kind of cool. No, I don't like that either.
What about one of these? I don't even like tattoos. You have a bunch.
I know. So what are you talking about? I don't like a woman.
Oh, you get to pick what she does, right? You don't like a pure Christian woman. I like pure.
You're a pure little white Christian girl. I like Little House on the Prairie.

Oh, the girl that was raised by... Yeah.

You want a girl who knows how to like bake bread?

Yeah, churn butter.

You know what I mean?

That's what you're going to have to do when she fucks you.

Yeah, and I want her to say ow when I enter.

Impossible.

Where are you going to find this girl?

But just fake it.

Ow.

Wait, wait.

So I stick it in. Be believable though.
Okay. Right? There we go.
Oh. Yeah.
That was believable. Dude, I just got hard a little bit.
It was too soft. No, no, because he doesn't want it loud.
No, okay. Because if it's loud, you know it's fake.
You do it out. If it's loud, you know it's fake.
You do it out. I've done this many times.
Yeah. But are you going to fake it? Let's just try it.
Ready? that's good too i believe that yeah yeah yeah how many times you've faked an orgasm every time no no you come now no door dash i'll tell you something right now andrew um i love that's all i eat the. The only way I can survive eat is delivery.
And the only app I use is DoorDash. I go to every town.
DoorDash is the most proficient one. They're the kindest ones.
They have the most options. I love it.
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Subject to change, terms apply.

Wait, wait.

Why do you fake it then?

Just say it didn't happen.

No, the older I get, the less I stop faking it.

Yeah.

I stopped faking it maybe like three years ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have you ever faked in Oregon?

I have.

Me too.

I have.

It's so funny.

It's so embarrassing.

It's so weird.

It's so weird.

I go, ah.

That's how I do it.

I had a condom on, so it's like she didn't know.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

She would have been like, wait, there's nothing.

There is nothing.

Like I had a condom on, so then it's like, oh, yeah, I came. I just wanted to get the fuck out.
Oh, I didn't do that. I what i mean like she would have been like wait there's nothing there is nothing like i had a condom on so then it's like oh yeah i came i just wanted to get oh i didn't do that i pulled out and nothing came out i heard like this and nothing came out she was looking at it like what the fuck like 20 minutes ago yeah yeah you got the lie that's a fail that's a lot it's such a failure to launch why did you not come i wanted to stop i wasn't into it i was like this is a smell will throw me off.
Oh my God, will it ever. Will it? One waft.
Have you ever gone to suck a dude and his balls stunk in your life? Every single time. Every ball, every guy's balls smell.
Your boyfriend, I know your boyfriend. Yeah.
His balls stink? Yes, every man's balls stink. He doesn't look like his balls stink.
Even when he showers. There's just a smell to balls.
Do you know why?

Tell me.

Because he has a shit problem.

Because he has a shit problem.

He has really long balls, so maybe when he's pooping, they just kind of...

They may knock off the walls.

He has diarrhea.

I know this.

Her boyfriend...

Yeah.

Is he going to be mad?

No, not at all.

Her boyfriend has diarrhea every day.

Jewish.

Every single day of his life.

Is that what Jewish...

Stomach problems.

Is it?

They all have IBS.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he Jewish? Yeah, he has.
The pretenders of Jewish people that have IBS is probably like 90. Right.
But it's more than IBS. A lot of people throw IBS around.
Yeah. He has like ulcerative colitis.
He has extra. It even sounds Jewish.
Ulcerative colitis. It sounds like a Jewish...
Oh, my ulcerative colitis. Yeah, yeah.
It was called something, and then Jewish guys were like, we have to call it ours.

His dad's side of the family isn't Jewish, so he has the stubbornness of that side where he won't do anything about it.

If he was pure Jew, he'd be at the doctor every day, making sure he was fine.

Right, hypochondriac.

Yeah, I mean, he is, but he just doesn't do anything.

You know her boy, we can say his name, we can say, no?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Mo, you know his dad, you know who his dad was, like a comedy legend, was a manager. You know this, right? No.
Well, you don't? No, what's his last name? I'm not going to talk... We're not going to say that on the floor.
Okay, but what was his... He was a manager? Yeah.
He was a legend in the comedy world. I mean, I know that...
So, what? Burleson and Gray. He repped...
It was Mo Burleson's name? No. We're not going to say the last name.
We don't want to compromise the privacy. But can I just – let's go back to his balls though, okay?

Okay.

More important.

No, I have a theory.

Okay, so check it out.

Here's my theory.

Better than her long drop poop ball thing because the poop knocking off the – that I got.

I saw it right away.

I'm going to just make this up, all right?

Let's say you had an apparatus, right?

That's a box, right?

Imagine this box has a clear wall so you can see through the box. Got it.
Right? Inside the box, you put a jelly bean. Okay? Yeah, I'm there.
Are you with me? Yeah, yes. So out of the box, it's somebody's asshole.
It's a tube that sticks to somebody's asshole, right? And this guy's farting into this fucking box every day. Eventually, that jelly bean will smell like fart.
So his underwear, Moe's underwear, his butthole stinks so bad that his nutsack is the jelly bean. And it ferments, you know what I mean? Down there.
And also during the day there's sweat and all kinds of things that's happening. Is he gassy? He's not that gassy.
It doesn't matter. His asshole is not sure.
Oh, it's leaking. It's not leaking.
It's just not a pure asshole. Like, have you ever had a toilet after you flush it and you still hear it running a little bit? Yeah.
Does his ass, maybe his ass has a little bit... Maybe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe he's running a little bit.
Well, he can't hold his... He can't...
He can't... Like, if he has to go, he can't just hold it.
His sphincter muscles are wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know that about him. So he definitely has a leaky.
So that's going to affect, maybe the jelly bean thing,

I could have said it a different way, but.

It just took you a long time to say something.

You could have just said like.

I know, but still.

Being in his underwear,

and so the close proximity of his balls to his ass,

it's trapped.

So it's trapped in the stinky thing.

Well, you know how you do a Dutch oven

when you put the covers over and you fart?

I love doing this.

You used to do it with the Kalai all the time.

Can you smell my sack?

Yeah.

When we're in a car together, if we're in a new room. No, right now can you smell it?

No, because we're just far enough away.

No, I'll just pull it out and you smell my

nut sack. You want me to smell it right now?

And see what it smells like? Yeah. Go ahead.

Are you being real? Yeah, go ahead. Okay.

I'll see how it smells. It's unbuttoned already.

Stand up.

I'll see what it smells like, yeah.

Don't let Wolf see. He doesn't need to see that.
He doesn't need that. Okay? All right.
Don't smell. Don't get it too close.
What? Fresh? I gotta lick it. Let me see again.
Let me tell you. I don't know.
What does it smell like? Honestly? Yeah. It smells like clean laundry.
Wow. Are you wearing brand new underwear? No, dude.
It smells generating mechanism in our body we're future people your jelly bean doesn't stay in one place yeah it doesn't you have a smooth little nut dude it was so smooth my nut sack has three wrinkles. What? Yes.
Asians. Asians, we age good here and our sacks.
Wow. Did you know that? I had no idea.
Yeah, and you can't Google that. I thought it was black don't crack.
I didn't know. They don't either, right? But you guys.
But we, our sacks are just wrinkle-free. Asian sacks don't crack.
Wrinkle-free. Them Asian sacks, they don't crack.
They're so soft, too. And they have a self-generating cleaning mechanism.
Have you ever had an Asian guy? You ever slept with an Asian guy? No. Why? But not because I wouldn't.
No, why, why, why, why? But not because I wouldn't. Let me ask you this.
We all know why. No, I want to ask a question, right? Let me ask you something, Ali, okay? How many guys have you been with? So many.
None of your business. Okay, let's just make up a number.
Okay. 46.
Let's say it's 20. Okay.
All right? 46. Out of the 20 guys you've had sex with, how many have been minorities? I would say...
Half. No.
Let's be real. No.
I would say like A A fourth So 25% Have been minorities Yeah maybe 25% And in that 25% Of minorities Does Jewish count as minorities? No It doesn't They're white So 25% of minorities I'd say 15% Alright so the 15% Right How many of them Have been The percentage of that black people um i would say just jamar neighbors oh my god could you imagine brian moses brian moses i've heard his penis is so massive yeah it's actually you can just tell this is actually it this is legit yeah yeah that's so scary so no black say that's like, I'm not good at math. Out of the 50, just say, out of all the minorities you've had, 50%? Of the, okay, of the 15%, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, so 50%. And then out of the 15%, how many have been Mexican? I would say the other half, maybe.
Yeah, so you're racist. Just towards Asians.
Against Asians. Yeah, but whatever would.
I would. We're around.
There's a billion of us. I know, but you guys aren't...
It's just like... Okay, I'm in a room.
I'm in a room, and there's a black guy, an Asian guy, and a Latino guy. There's a funny joke coming away.
Walk into a bar. Black guy, Asian guy, and Mexican guy walk into a bar.
Well, the Mexican guy is cleaning up, the black guy is robbing a black guy is robbing the place and the Asian guy is doing the taxes and who do you want to fuck you want to fuck someone that's working right no but honestly but honestly you want adventure and fun Latinos and black people adventurous fun Asian guys risk aversion risk averse too someone to fucking... Am I safe? Am I safe? You're unique.
Am I safe? I'm asking you a question. Am I safe? Yes, you are.
Really? You are very safe. Alright, am I adventurous? Can be.
Or you just stay in your fucking hotel all day. Okay.
So that's what I mean. It's fair enough.
But she knows she's getting a gamble when she goes with anybody else. Yeah.
She knows what she gets when she has white. When she has white, it's Golden Corral.
It's a buffet. Okay.
So that's what I mean. It's fair enough.
But she knows she's getting a gamble when she goes with anybody else. She knows what she gets when she has white.
When she has white it's golden corral. It's a buffet.
Well it's predominantly... It's all fine.
You might get a little noodle that was... You feel comfortable with white.
Well it's predominantly because when I started whoring it up it was in my like last year of high school and then when I was kind of going to college. Yeah.
And my high school was mostly white people. Okay.
My college was a lot of white people and so just the circles I was in at that time. It's a white circle.
And then when I started doing comedy I was banging like these loser open micers. They were all white? Also white circles.
And they were mostly also white. What are you gonna do? Hey dude I've had Asians so count me out I love them.
And that's why I'm not asking you questions. Yeah love Asians.
Yeah yeah. Love Asians Asians but you're a guy too love well you know what's so funny no not as a now like in this mindset in my age that I'm at they're not the most attractive to me the most attractive has always been fucking Latinos I just Latin just something about Latinos Latinx there's something about it well because they're just so fucking hot And they just are cooler than you And they're mean I like all that stuff And they can fuck you up I like that they can beat you up A white girl can't beat me up You want someone who will fight for you? Yeah they'll fight for me And they'll fight me You want the Larry H.
Parker of women Yeah I want Hilaria Baldwin There's just something about it huh? Yeah there's there's just something about them They're just, they're sexy, they're spicy They're fucking, I don't know Yeah, I think that's what it is They can fight for you and they will fight you physically Yeah And that's something that's spicy about them I like Koreans too, though Yeah, Koreans I think the next, if I ever date again Like in in a permanent thing, it's going to be a full flooded... I bet you $1,000 that won't happen.
That's not true. You're not going to date a Korean.
Do you want her to like not really speak English that well? Like do you want straight from Korea? Yeah. Because I don't speak Korean.
She just speaks English. That's perfect.
Oh, you don't speak Korean? No. I can understand a couple of...
When your mom and you were speaking Korean... Yeah, I can't speak Korean She doesn't speak English That's perfect Oh you don't speak Korean? No

I can understand a couple of

When your mom and you were speaking Korean

Yeah I can say stuff like

Boji

Jinger

Right?

Thank you

You know what I said?

Your pussy is scary

So beautiful

Your pussy is scary

Scary pussy

Yeah

Yeah yeah

It's fine

And it's probably not

It's not scary

It's not like Halloween Horror Nights

It's like a

It's like a scare person

I like you. I'm sorry.
I don't look at you that way, but I love you. When you take your pants off, it goes, this is Halloween.
This is Halloween. Halloween.
Halloween. Yeah.
No, that's not true at all. But I know basic Korean, to understand, I can't really say it that.
I can say basic things, like, where's the bathroom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in terms of anything feelings-wise, that's why I want to date a Korean from Korea.
But Korea. I don't have to express myself.
But you guys don't express your feelings. There's no words for that.
Oh, the new generation does. I know, but the old one, where you come from, doesn't.
Where do I come from? San Diego? What the fuck are you talking about? No, no, your parents never said, like, oh oh i'm feeling sad no what's the word for sad you don't even i don't even know yeah that's not crazy you have no idea i have no idea what is like um well how about what's the word for excited or happy uh i don't even know yeah is that's what i literally don't you went your whole childhood without your parents saying those words yeah because i was talking to a korean girl yesterday and she was saying that she she lives in Korea, and she was saying that gay is a thing now. What do you mean? Oh, being gay over there.
Ever since... Dude, you couldn't...
If you were gay in Korea back in the day, forget it. You're going to Japan.
I mean, they're going to ship you out. Do you think that started with Opa Gangnam Style? Why? Psy? Is he gay? No, but I feel like...
Psy's not gay. Psy gay? But I a club Like I would kiss I would kiss a woman Well well well Asian pop music and stuff And Asian pop culture Always has a little bit of Metrosexuality Has always had a little bit of like Sensi boy stuff Where it's like soft Sweet Cutesy pootsy But right Being gay No no no no no Could you do a tour in Korea? Like are you popular? Oh yeah Three people.
That's such fucking bullshit. Can I ask you a question? You would sell out everywhere in Korea.
Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Is it impossible to identify specific members of BTS? I think they're, I don't, I could.
I think they're clones. Oh, you, oh, they're made in a lab.
Yeah, I think they're the same person. Oh, that's interesting.
Yeah, there's just no way. Can you, I look at all of them, I go, they're the same guy.
You think the Korean government made them? And what color is that skin? Beautiful. It's so white.
Corpse white? Soft. Are they dead? They're soft.
What the fuck is that? They're superior. Is that what it is? Yes.
Superior white. They're superior Korean.
Are they future geishas? Like, why is that skin? What are they? They're geishas to be. Yeah.
I think they're beautiful. They're so beautiful.

See, that's bullshit.

They're not beautiful.

Yes, they are.

They're beautiful in a way that like Channing Tatum is beautiful.

Like it's just unattainable.

Like it's not real.

It's different.

It looks like AI made it. I know.

I did a movie with this Korean pop star named Henry Lau.

Henry Lau.

I told you about him.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And we'd shoot scenes together and i would just stare at his skin but violent thoughts like i want to hurt him i want to take a razor blade and just cut his skin well who's the ugliest person you've ever worked with easy setup in podcasting yeah i don't want to hurt his feelings because he's gonna get me he'll call call me right now and yell at me We'll beep it

You will?

I'll do a ventriloquist thing and you'll beep it

Okay

Right?

How about you?

Do a ventriloquist

Who's the ugliest guy

I know another one

Do that one again?

I didn't hear it

I'm sorry. Do it again.
Who's the ugliest guy? I know another one. Hold on.
Did I do that one again? I didn't hear. Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's another ugly one.
Did you get that? Ventriloquism is so fucking creepy to me. Yeah, yeah.
Those people spend hours in their room just going like this. Going like this.
Yeah, yeah. And here we are outside of my hall.
And the ones that are great, they can sing in this. And they do it, but they do it from here.
We're all talking from here. Oh, that's really good.
Pretty good? You sing something. Yeah.
No, like the words. Your mouth is so closed when you do it.
Yeah, yeah.

Wait, who's better at it, you think?

Can you understand?

Let me do it again.

Well, do a different song.

Yeah, yeah.

What song is it?

But I also think the key is you have to do a really weird smile.

It's a hard knock life for us.

It's a hard knock life for us.

You just look like Kanye West when he has jaw shot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So try that one.
But do you have to smile? Yeah, they always do smile. You do? Yeah, yeah.
It's a hard, it's a hard knock life for us. It's a hard knock life for us.
It's so creepy looking. It's so hard.
You look like a ventriloquist. You look like the dummy.
You try. Does it smile? Yeah.
It's a hard knock life. Oh, that's so creepy.
Oh, my God. What was that? Wow.
I have practiced it alone. You fucking loser.
You fucking loser. I know you are.
You practice that. Oh, yeah.
That's amazing. Because there's...
Yeah. There's, like, letters.
Like, instead of saying, like, M or something, because you have to close your lips You use like an N I think So like if you were going to say like money You would say like noney Oh kind of Let's do ventriloquism Like movie quotes See if you can get this right Are you looking at A? Oh my god Who are you looking at? Are you looking at A? I can't tell if you're doing an accent too What is your accent? What? What? You think I'm doing Asian accent? Yeah Are you looking at A? It's Goodfellas? Yeah No What? Taxi driver Oh Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me? Yeah yeah Are you looking at me? Yeah yeah Are you looking at Oh do it. You're looking at me? There it is.
See, when you do ventriloquism, De Niro, you're looking at me. Are you looking at me? Hey, you're looking at me.
I'm the only one here. I'm the only one here.
You want to see what you're looking at me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got to get sick of that fucking shit.
Who? De Niro. That quote? Just that everyone that does it, you know? Oh, yeah, I would never.
Imagine, dude, I would give you a million dollars if you met Daeneri to do that impression in front of him. If I went up to him and I'd go, I wonder what he would do! He's probably heard from every Jagger off of him.
Christopher Walken, also. Oh, my God.
Such a burnt impression, too. Try to do one.
I can't do one. Your father hit this watch in his ass.
You know what I realized? Speaking of Korean pop stars, Opa Gangnam style, if you try and sing that just normally, like if I try and sing the words, it sounds like I'm trying to do a Christopher Walken impression. Okay, do it.
How do you know the lyrics? How do you know the lyrics of that? I'm a loser. You do ventriloquism and then you fucking memorize fucking...
Because when that song came out, I was in high school and spent my days trying to What does it mean do you know what it means Yeah it's talking about these women in this town In Korea who are like kind of affluent Thank god for him I love him Yeah cause he opened it up I got more pussy after he came out No You can tell when squid games come out You can tell. When Squid Games come out, you get more pussy.

Okay, let's see. Let's hear you go.

I think you're right. No, it opens it

up because white people then go,

oh, interesting. You know what I mean?

And you're in their thought process.

Yeah. Okay, so here's the lyrics to

Opa Gagnam Style. It says,

A girl who is warm

and humanely during the

day. A classy girl who

know how to enjoy the freedom of a cup

of coffee. A girl whose heart gets hotter

I don't know. It says, his coffee before it even cools down.
A guy whose heart bursts when night comes. That kind of guy.
Beautiful. Lovable.
Yes you. Hey you.
Yes you. Hey you.
Hey you. Yes you.
Beautiful. Lovable.
This is awful. This is awful.
What's he doing now? He's still doing that song? Sitting on a pile of fucking money? Yeah, but what's he doing? Bro, he made one song. One hit wonder is incredible.
It's the worst life. What do you're done you're done there's no expectation bro you know this you know this dude okay okay let's suppose right you had one special that killed it great and then that was 20 years ago but it made did it make me a hundred million dollars it made you 50 million dollars great and now you can't get a label to sign you another fucking.
Great. You can't.
Really. I leave LA.
I don't need to live this bullshit life. And then you're going to be on some farm and do what? Yes.
And be a farmer. And farm.
I feel like you always want to be relevant. You always want to be in the public eye.
You want to always reinvent yourself. But once you realize that's not your thing, once one-hit wonders go, I think this is just one.

I have a friend.

I'm not going to say his name, but his group had a one-hit wonder.

A massive, I'll tell you off air.

I know who it is.

Massive one-hit wonder.

One of the biggest songs of that era.

They almost never did anything ever again.

Literally.

Like, shockingly.

They made one more album, and it bombed so fucking bad it was over oh my god yeah he found solace at some point in the idea that it's like i just want to make music for fun because this thing is a machine and it's just it's different than they anticipated they didn't anticipate that song getting big it just got big and they were like we're gonna walk away and be individual artists and musicians and now just live and play. Now they're all rich and they just play music for fun.
The original reason. How rich? You're splitting in between a band? Tens of millions of dollars.
Dude. Musicians make so much more money.
You have no fucking idea. They make so much money.
It's insane. When you have one hit song, you can tour on that thing for fucking 10 years.
You're eventually going to county fairs and weird places dude still a fuckload of money they're still getting paid dude those people and the song plays and all the fucking live shows and all the fucking merch and all the times it loops on other things then you license it dude no i'd rather do this dude i'd rather just stay like this where you are yeah i'm like i keep going but i'm slowly moving up if I was a musician, I wouldn't care about a one hit. I'd go find stay like this.
Where you are. Yeah, I'm like, I keep going, but I'm slowly moving up.

If I was a musician, I wouldn't care about a one hit.

I'd go, fine, this is fine.

Because with music, you're getting played in grocery stores, whatever.

There's no comedy special.

There's no comedy hits playing at the market.

Comedy's bullshit.

We can't compare it to comedy.

Comedy's dead.

It's over.

All right.

I mean, I don't know. Comedy's dead, isn't it? It's dying.
I think we're in the last legs of it. I believe that because in the 90s it died, I believe it's cyclical, and it's about to crash.
You know what I mean? Because all the specials that Netflix was putting out. There's a lot of funny shit out.
Yeah, and then too many people are doing podcasts now, right? I hate podcasts.

Yeah, and it's gonna die.

Yeah.

Good thing you guys are on top of it

when it goes out.

Yeah, good call.

I don't want it to die, though.

It's not gonna die.

I don't want Bad Friends to die.

We like it too much.

No, it won't.

We're having so much fucking fun.

But you think that eventually

we'll have 10 listeners?

No.

20?

But do you think that we'll be able to make a living off of Bad Friends? Not forever. What lasts forever? I mean, if we die, that's one thing, but at 60, like 10 years from now, you think we'll be doing Bad Friends? No.
I hope so. I would hope we would do...
You don't think it will? No. What do you think we'll be doing? You think we'll be enemies? Yeah.
And then you guys will have separate podcasts? Oh, we'll sue each other. Yeah, there'll be a weird lawsuit.
Dude, that would break my heart if you and I were like testifying against each other at a fucking trial. We would make jokes the entire time.
Right. That's all it'd be.
It would be, your honor, your honor, order. We'd be ordering the court.
Yeah. We'd be cracking jokes the fucking whole time.
That would break my heart, man. I don't ever want to do that with you.
We'll never do it. I'll never do it.

Ali, tell us a really bad, childish joke.

Give us a joke

like a kid would tell.

Like a why did the chicken cross the road

type of thing. Do you know what that joke

is about? Suicide. Yeah, I just found

out. How? Why did the chicken cross

the road? To get to the other side.

The other side of what? The street.

No, the other side. You know the phrase

I'll see you on the other side? Do you know what that means? Heaven.

Yeah, I'll see you in the afterlife. And if a chicken is

Thank you. the road.
To get to the other side. The other side of what? The street.
No. The other side.
You know the phrase I'll see you on the other side? Do you know what that means? Heaven. Yeah, I'll see you in the afterlife.
And if a chicken is crossing the road, it's gonna get ran over and no one's stopping for a chicken. It's not about getting to the other side of the street.
It's about getting to the other side of life. It's the suicidal chicken.
And chickens don't go to heaven. Well, they don't anymore.
Oh, you know what joke I hate? It's not really a joke, but it's's like a setup who has two thumbs and is gonna get fucked up tonight this guy this guy that guy is funny though wait wait so let me say it who has two thumbs is gonna get fucked up tonight you have to point yourself yeah this guy yeah yeah yeah whoa who has two thumbs and is probably gonna put both of them in his asshole tonight. this guy right yeah yeah i've never heard that before it's a white thing no that's a common phrase no it's a that's a common fraternity sorority white yeah yeah black people have never said that no hey yo man who has two thumbs yeah yeah oh do a black guy do a black guy yo man oh there it is thumbs you like him now wolf yo man yo, man.
Yo, dog. It's so bad.

I don't care.

Wolf's laughing.

I hate when you do it.

Yo, who has two thumbs to get fucked up tonight?

This guy.

Black guys don't say that phrase.

That's a white guy phrase.

I want to see if Asians have said it, right?

Hey, guy.

No.

Hey, guy.

Hey, guy.

Who?

Hey, guys.

Who have a two thumb? And you're going to get... Who are going to get fucked up tonight? This guy.
That's never been said. No, never.
That's never been said. Do an Indian.
Do an Indian. Do an Indian.
Do an Indian. Who has two thumbs and is going to get fucked up tonight? This guy.
An Indian guy does that. That there's this indian guy who works at the like corner store on my street yeah and my boyfriend will go in there we'll go in and like grab an energy drink or something my boyfriend will be like hey dude what's up and the guy lights up he loves when my boyfriend says dude and then he'll start saying dude but he'll say it in insane amount dude yes dude dude but dude is such a good word oh he loves it he gets so excited do adolf hitler with the thumbs yeah please who has two thumbs and is going to get annihilated this evening this guy he's annihilating himself i can see that yeah that's really good everyone's why people liked him so much he was lovable that guy he wasn't as bad as people say did you guys see the Marjorie Taylor Greene American Idol audition is that real? I don't know I know her I hate her apparently there's a clip of her on the internet will you show that Wolf apparently there's a clip of her on the internet.
She has a stage name. Will you show that, Wolf? There's apparently a clip of her on the internet that...
There's no way it's her. Well, there's a question if it is.
I thought... It really looks like her.
It looks exactly like her. And it wouldn't surprise me.
But they don't have footage of it, do they? Yeah, there's a video. Oh, really? Oh, so it's confirmed.
There's no way it's her. Well, it's not confirmed, but there's a video of her auditioning like what does she sing i don't know i don't know i think that's fucking incredible if she did do american idol because everyone's making the comparison like you know failed artist yeah that's also true yeah hitler didn't hitler didn't hitler didn't even fail he never got into the art school they didn't even let him in the school his his submission got denied right like he painted it to get in you had to like do something to get in and his didn't even get in so it's also funny that like that's normally the story of someone who's about to be super successful in art they're like i never got into the art school so i just did it on my own and he's like i'm just gonna completely abandon the art it is kind of funny that uh for some reason everyone that has like chaotic political um prowess they all love doing art stuff like clinton loves making art bush loves that yeah i love his instagram huh uh george bush's instagram yeah dude such a fun following like loves that shit someone got mad at me they're like why are you following george but i'm.
Yeah, but this is the problem with Instagram and stuff. Nowadays, like I just saw someone last night.
I looked up a guy, whatever, but I looked up a dude and I noticed he follows nobody. That's a thing now.
People just follow nobody now. And I was like, I get it a little bit because also sometimes you feel obligated to follow something.
You know when you follow someone and you're like, I have to follow them, but I don't know if I really want to see them in my feed. Yeah.
And then you have to mute them. I mute them.
All right. And it's weird.
It's so funny how I hated that dude for so many years. George Bush? Yeah.
And now I kind of like him. I know.
He's become likable. Because you know what can be worse.
He's just like, yeah. And he's just like so old now.
What do you mean? He can be worse? What do you mean? No, because you thought. Oh, you know what's.
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.
Because when George Bush was like, this fucking guy started a war with Iran for no reason. This and that, whatever, whatever.
You're like, it can't get worse than this guy. He said, there's no, this is the worst human being.
And then you saw. And then here comes Joe Biden.
Joe Biden. The worst.
And then you're like, oh, Bush is great. Can't get worse than this.
Yeah. What are you doing? Are you on tour after you leave with us? You go to Albany to do shows and then what? I'm doing a show in Albany.
Yeah. And then I'm doing a little bit of a tour.
What are you doing? Albany. Where else? Well, so I'm doing Albany with St.
Vincent. I'm opening her shows.
You know St. Vincent? I love them.
She's like best friends. Do you? Oh, yeah.
They're great music. Yeah.
Yeah. She's really close with them.
No. Yeah.
She's been going on the road. You've done shows with them before.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And so you do stand up? I do stand up.
I cold open the shows. Was it hard? It's a little bit hard.
Seems hard. But her audiences are like really nice and cool and young and supportive.
Yeah. How many seats is it? We're doing like theaters.
Like thousands. Thousands.
Yeah. That's amazing.
They're an amazing band. Yeah, it's fun.
She's amazing. I mean, and then are you doing clubs after that or no? Yeah, so then I have two more shows with her in Vegas and Arizona and then I'm doing my own headlining weekends.
Go to AllieMakovsky.com? Yeah, AllieMakovsky.com. Go get those fucking tickets and go see our girl.
Alright, well listen. That was a great episode.
It was really fun. Do me a favor.
Look in your camera and say thanks for being a bad friend. Number two.
Number two. Sorry.
You see it? I don't even see number two. Oh, it's actually.
Oh, it's. It's hidden.
Whoa. Yeah.
Thanks for being a bad friend. Was that it? Thank you for being a bad friend.
Thank you for being a bad friend.

That's good.

I gotta figure out. Being is hard.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Try the ventriloquism one, Bob.

Real fast.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Very good.