Bobby’s Ideal Woman NY Edition

Speaker 1 Hey, bad friends, I'm shooting my special. I'm shooting my stand-up special this weekend, this Saturday in Denver, Colorado, Denver, Colorado.
Come on out.

Speaker 1 My last two shows I'm doing on this tour, and then we're not touring for a long time until Bobo and I go do Bad Friends Live sometime next year.

Speaker 1 So, this Saturday, September 24th, I'm doing two shows, 7 and 9:30. AndrewSantino.com is where you get the tickets.
Denver, come out and see me. Shoot my special.
AndrewSantino.com.

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 Are you two or something?

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Why do people have to understand your temperament? Because they have to know who I am to know who I am. We're in New York.
I know, I know. I know.
We're in New York. New York, baby.

Speaker 1 Your New York impression is so bad. It's unblue.
New York baby. Hey, baby.
How you doing? Hey, baby. Hey, baby, how you doing? Walking in the rain.
I do a little accent in it. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Hey, baby, how you doing? Hey, baby, how you doing?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. It's got like a Puerto Puerto Rican vibe, no? Hey, guys, we're in New York City.
We're in New York. New York.
We're in New York.

Speaker 1 Teach me how to talk.

Speaker 1 There's a bunch of different dialogue. New York.
New York. New York.

Speaker 1 Give me like three sentences in a row, and I'm going to try to.

Speaker 1 All right, this is my best New York accent. And Wolf can

Speaker 1 give me a thumbs up if it's good. Okay, this is my best New York accent.
Ready? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey!

Speaker 1 Hey!

Speaker 1 That's how they do us when they go, California, dude.

Speaker 1 Everyone challenge I get.

Speaker 1 New York sounds like us Yeah, I don't like it here unless they're oh, you don't like New York? I don't like it. Why have we been having so much fun?

Speaker 1 No, I have fun with you, but what you don't like the city? It's just like you know, you go down to the lobby of the hotel and everyone's working Yeah, everyone on laptops. They're doing things

Speaker 1 jobs What jobs are this is what it's like to live in LA Nobody works. I love nobody works.

Speaker 1 I love lazy, but everyone at a coffee shop is doing like a fucking screenplay that's never gonna get made at least out here. They're doing business real jobs.
Are they or are they on YouTube?

Speaker 1 Most of them are on YouTube. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But half of their job might be YouTube-based. Another thing is that like,

Speaker 1 I've never seen this before in my life. You'll see like a 12-year-old kid

Speaker 1 alone. Yes, wandering the streets.
Wandering the streets. They're just working.
Oh, they're working, yeah, but they're in the prep school outfit. Yep.
Right?

Speaker 1 And they're just going to school in the big city. Yeah.
Don't they get captured? All the time. And they don't care.
The parents don't care. We just got to make a new kid.
That's right. You can.

Speaker 1 You have more nut juice to make. There's so many.
There's more nut juice here in New York than New York. I didn't know

Speaker 1 that. Yep.
You can Google it. There's more nut juice in New York than there is in any state in the United States.
Really? Yep. I got a lot of nut juice, man.

Speaker 1 You're not as big as New York. Have you ever, I know, I know.
Have you ever gotten your nut juice tested? What do you mean? In terms of how many?

Speaker 1 Four. Your semen count? Four.
Four. At a time.
Can I tell you, I just got mine? How many? How many? 98.6 million.

Speaker 1 At one time? One load, 98.6 million sperm. Oh, I should get mine tested.
You've got to see who's got stronger jizz. Oh, you think you have stronger? I think I have more swimmers for sure.

Speaker 1 Well, mine are waiting. Oh, yours are waiting.
Mine are. Not waiting, waiting.
Yeah, waiting, waiting in the water. W-A-D.

Speaker 1 Waiting in the water. They're just kind of flowing.
Yeah, they're relaxing. They're bobbing in the jizz.
They're bobbing. Yeah, they're bobbing in the jizz.
Yours is like working.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My jizz is so anxious to get.
You know, mine are jerking off, making more jizz. Your jizz are jerking off.

Speaker 1 My jizz jerks off and makes more jizz. That makes sense.
And then those wade. I want to get you tested to see how many you have because I bet you probably have a ton.
I probably have a lot.

Speaker 1 You know, I've gotten women pregnant before. How many times?

Speaker 1 Twice. Two times? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they were both carried to term? No. You have two kids? Well, in heaven, they'll be that there.
Are they whites? They're Kalilas. Oh, they're both Kalilas? Yeah, yeah.
That's cute.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to go up to heaven when I die and see Luke. And thanks a lot, Dad.

Speaker 1 That's my biggest fear, because they're souls, right? Yeah, but that's if you believe in that. Some people believe in that.

Speaker 1 I think there are are certain religions that believe that you see your unborn child after death. I don't believe that.
Or what if

Speaker 1 you see just two sperm up there?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they don't talk. Just tailor.
And they're just like mad, but they don't say anything.

Speaker 1 We didn't get to develop. Little angry sperm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe you do see them in the eyes.
Do you think mine have little Chinese eyes like this?

Speaker 1 Well, that's why they're bumping into everything.

Speaker 1 They can't see where they're going. Do you think your sperm has red hair? Bright, bright red hair.
That's how it gets through the tunnel. Just

Speaker 1 so it can see better through the tunnel.

Speaker 1 They look like flaming hot Cheetos. Your spray.
Yes. Yeah, yeah, but if you miniaturize it.
That's why when I come, I go,

Speaker 1 oh, it burns. It hurts when it comes to you.
Does your cum burn? Every time it comes out. Because you have red hair? Oh, yeah.
Wow. If it didn't have red hair, it wouldn't burn so much.

Speaker 1 When you were a kid and you saw the red hair, were you bummed? Sad? Yeah, I'm bummed for you. Yeah, me too.
It's such a weird color, right? Wolf? Like, you have beautiful black hair. It's cool.

Speaker 1 Relevant, right? Don't try. Don't try this thing that you're doing.
No, he likes me. No, don't try that thing that you're doing.
No, we have jobs. You have beautiful black hair.
You know, we do.

Speaker 1 We have a good thing going, right? Just doing that thing. And you know he looks at the thing.

Speaker 1 Is he doing the thing?

Speaker 1 No, he loves it, dude. Beautiful black hair.
Connected. You're like a white girl from the suburbs.
I love your black hair. What you people do with your hair.
Wolf, is that what you're feeling?

Speaker 1 What you people do with your hair is so fun. Yeah.
I love your black hair. Don't put me in that box.
That is you. I did that, yeah.
Karen.

Speaker 1 You're an Asian Karen. You're Karena.

Speaker 1 I love your black hair. Do you think there are Karanas? Karinas.
Yeah. I bet you there's got to be an Asian Karen.
I've never seen it. What's it?

Speaker 1 Because Karen is the hacky white woman name. What's a hacky? What are you doing in the park with a skateboard?

Speaker 1 Huh?

Speaker 1 You know, this is paiper papadi.

Speaker 1 Some kid with a skateboard kid with a skateboard. What do you mean? You mean? No, she only does it to white kids.
White kids that are skating in the park.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Get out of here.
Yeah, yeah. Why are you grinding? Yeah, don't.
You're going to, yeah. This is paper papa, you don't grind.
But she knows knows the lingo. Right.
He's like, I saw your tray flip.

Speaker 1 It was bad.

Speaker 1 You tray flip in? I saw that. Brunt slide? Do you know tray flips? Brunt slide.
Brunt slide. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Flip it over, do a dark side. Yeah, do a dark side.
Do a duck slide. If you're really skilled.
Yeah, you're skill. Bullshit.
Get out of here. That night 360 flip.
The hot flip. The hot flip.

Speaker 1 Harder flip, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What's the most common, what's a sh shitty Asian woman name? Then that's the Karen for Asians. Because Karen is the annoying white woman name.
Yeah, I don't really know a lot of Asian ladies' names.

Speaker 1 What's the most common Korean female name?

Speaker 1 Well, you know, you see a lot of graces.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Grace, but that sounds nice. Yeah.
Because Karen has a bite to it. Karen, the K is.
That's only because of Goodfellas.

Speaker 1 Oh, Karen. Yeah, yeah.
He fucked it up for Karen. Do you think Ray Liota did that? Yeah, Liota did that.
Karen?

Speaker 1 Woody, why would you do that, Karen? Yeah, yeah. I was scared.
Yeah, she dumped all the coaches. So before that, Karen was cool.
It was a hot, cool name. It's like Hitler, Adolph.
He fucked it up.

Speaker 1 There's always one thing that fucks it up. What did he do? Dude, Adolph, I don't remember.
But Adolph was cool before he did it. The name Adolph.
Dude, everybody had Adolph. And now you can't do it.

Speaker 1 Now you can't do it. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Who's here?

Speaker 1 Nobody? Oh.

Speaker 1 Another person with beautiful black hair. Go ahead and say it to them and see what they say.

Speaker 1 So many beautiful black-haired people here. Man.
See? That's why you love New York. New York, New York, and Harlem.

Speaker 1 beautiful black haired guys literally never been to harlem

Speaker 1 there's no idea where it is what part where is it how do you get to harlem from here subway yeah but in your face which direction can you get the subway can you get to harlem with the subway sure of course you can get to your fucking face what direction south south of here north north of here you go north that's right yeah yeah yeah but like where north north where northeast northeast yeah okay and then west is it past the park or below the both below the park there's so many parks that's central park is the park yeah north it's north of the park.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
Is it not? It is.

Speaker 1 End of fucking game. You did it.
End of fucking game. Where's Queens?

Speaker 1 Ooh, this is cool. West? No.
It's East. Well, it's northeast of here.
We're downtown.

Speaker 1 We're downtown. We're almost there.
Because I don't know where I am. Oh, we're downtown.
We're downtown. Oh, then it's fucking east.
Well, it's up and east. Yeah, up and east.
Yeah. Up and east.

Speaker 1 I didn't know where my location was.

Speaker 1 So, yeah. It's cool, man.
I like going over there. You do love New York.
We've been having so much fun fun the whole time we've been here.

Speaker 1 Yesterday, we went to Staten Island, and we went and did Chrissy Chaos' podcast, and he took us for a

Speaker 1 good pizza. Really good pizza.
And then it's like the people that work there are so New York-y. But that was the first New York, like, really New York-y kids I've saw.
Staten Island kids.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they were like, you know.

Speaker 1 We met a cool chick who said her boyfriend. They're indifferent.

Speaker 1 You feel an indifference. What do you mean? Like, they don't care about you at all? They're just cooler.
They're cooler than you. They're above it or whatever.

Speaker 1 Well, you didn't like it. He doesn't like not getting recognized.
When we walk through the streets, streets,

Speaker 1 Bobby doesn't like getting not recognized. That's fucking true, man.
What did you say to me yesterday? Why lie on the show? You said to me, you go, you know, people. I never said that.

Speaker 1 That's why I'm not sure. You say people notice me more in Brooklyn than they do in Manhattan.
Did you say that to me yes or no? Yeah, as a factual thing. Well, what was it rooted in?

Speaker 1 You liked being recognized. It was rooted in happiness.

Speaker 1 Dude, why do you do this? Why do you do this? You like being recognized. No, I don't.
Yes, you fucking do. You love it.

Speaker 1 That's why you walk slow behind me when we walk the streets together. You walk slow behind me like 10 paces because you want to be recognized.
No, can I say something?

Speaker 1 And you don't want to be recognized. You want to get real then.
Go ahead. All right.
When we were walking up here, right, some kid, right, goes, you're Andre Santino. You go, yeah.

Speaker 1 And he goes, can you help with cancer? And you go to the kids. Kids with cancer.
Kids with cancer. And you go, fuck off.
Fuck off. And you walked off.
Because I don't, kids with cancer.

Speaker 1 Adults with cancer. I might think.
I was signing the paperwork. But kids.

Speaker 1 I was giving my email. Yeah, I gave them 40 bucks.
Bobby's mad because I said, I'm sorry, we have to keep going. He goes, can you have a second?

Speaker 1 You know, those people that are like, can you have a second for kids with cancer? It's like, like, yeah, I do, but not now. Now is not a good time for whatever you've got me on the sidewalk doing.

Speaker 1 And Bobby's mad because he didn't recognize him. Isn't that true? You didn't like it that he didn't recognize you.
Your smile says it.

Speaker 1 Your smile says it. How does he know you and not me? Davey,

Speaker 1 I'm on a television show right now. Oh, yeah.
You're on a television show, but it's not as popular.

Speaker 1 It is. It actually is going to be bigger.
Well, it's not bigger. It's just,

Speaker 1 it's, it's just more relevant. No, that doesn't mean anything.
My show is definitely more relevant. No, that's not anything.
My show is more important. Mine's more important.
Important for what?

Speaker 1 Native. It was the first time.
You're not native. The show is about natives.
I know, and you shouldn't be on.

Speaker 1 You shouldn't be on the natives. We're cousins.
You're not native. We're cousins.
Koreans and Native Americans are not cousins.

Speaker 1 You're so stupid. I'm closer to Native Americans than you are.
I talk to them.

Speaker 1 I'm in Oklahoma talking to them. Because you're getting paid to be.
No, no, no. And I mean.
You wouldn't do it otherwise. Drink water.
Yeah, Mr. Jabob drink water.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The clan, the drink water, drink and water, and deer in water. No, deer and water.
It's not clan. Deer and water.
Deer in water. Yeah, deer and water, the family.
Well, that's offensive.

Speaker 1 They go, did you know? I'm not going to do the accent. Do the accent.
No, I won't. No, no, do it.
They said, did you know, right, that we're cousins? And I go, how? There's a theory.

Speaker 1 You know this theory, right?

Speaker 1 A lot of people believe, right, that Asians crossed the Bering Strait. came down from Canada, and that's where natives come from.
But there's another theory

Speaker 1 that natives started first and they crossed the other way and made Qing Chongs.

Speaker 1 Which one do you believe? I believe it's all bullshit. I think we all came from Africa, and the Earth fucking hit the Iraq hit the fucking earth, and then everyone was divided up.

Speaker 1 If you go to 23andMe or any geneticists, right? 23andMe is not valid, by the way. That's a private company.
DNA or ancestry. Another private company.
They solve crimes. They use that for crimes.

Speaker 1 They're collecting DNA. Exactly.
They can create

Speaker 1 shit, right? They can create it. We're very close in chromosomes.
No, you're not. Yeah.
All right, look it up, dude. Just Google it.
I will Google it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're the farthest away from being a minority. I am the number one minority on Earth.
No. Redheads are the smallest population on Earth.
The defect of the white people. No, no.

Speaker 1 I'm the superior white. No.
I'm the superior white.

Speaker 1 I'm the superior white people. We all have defects, and you're the defective.
I'm the top white. The redheads are the ones that came out all

Speaker 1 the top white. No, they're not.
God bless us. And Wolf is laughing.
He knows what I'm talking about. God blessed us the most.
It's like when you see an albino black person, which is fine. Oh,

Speaker 1 this is interesting. I love that.
Let's go there. What? Go ahead.
Take a shot. They're the good ones.
Oh, they're the good ones. They're the special.

Speaker 1 They're the special ones. Are regular black people bad ones? No, they're all good.
Oh, all black people are good? Is that what you think? They're all good. Basquiat.
So all lives matter. I love that.

Speaker 1 Is that what you're saying? Yeah, all lives. No, just black, just whites.

Speaker 1 I wanted you to say it so bad. Don't trap it.
I wanted you to say it so bad.

Speaker 1 I love black lives. But you love all lives.
I believe that that black lives matter is more important than all lives matter. But you've said to me before, all lives definitely matter.
You've said that.

Speaker 1 And yet, like theoretically and also philosophically, yeah. I disagree.

Speaker 1 I think almost no lives matter. Oh, you go against the grain.
I think only a couple of lives matter. Yeah.
Like 10 people matter.

Speaker 1 But in our moment in American history, right, black lives matter because that's the focal point.

Speaker 1 That's who are being targeted by police. Right.
Yeah. And so it's like.
And by your people.

Speaker 1 Oh, you think Asians are fucking targeting? Koreans are the number one target, target, targeting black people. Number one people.

Speaker 1 It is. It's all over the paper.
100%.

Speaker 1 The amount of attacks in this city on Korean automatic. Is the liquor we sell black people?

Speaker 1 It's symbiotic. You know what?

Speaker 1 I wanted to start off with a happiness exercise. Go ahead.
I want you to see this girl. Will you show him that girl, please? Why are we starting it now?

Speaker 1 Wait, I want you to, because I want us to get into this.

Speaker 1 We need to humble our mood because we're getting too fast. Okay.
Hot and heavy. Oh, too fast.
I found this girl on TikTok last night. Yeah.
And I watched all her videos maybe, maybe 10 times a day.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, watch this. Can you full screen that? Watch this beautiful girl.
She gives you these breathing and sound exercises. I want to try one.

Speaker 1 What is it? She's dead serious.

Speaker 1 What is it? It's a pause. Push pause.

Speaker 1 It's a language. It's a new language.
Play any of the other ones. She has.

Speaker 1 You do one. What does it say up top? What does this one say? Soul heart opening.
Right, so if you want to open your soul heart,

Speaker 1 you just sound fucking Scottish. Well, that's what she's doing.
No, she's not. You sound like fucking

Speaker 1 William Wallace. Then you do it.
That's what he did when he was fighting.

Speaker 1 Then you do it. All right?

Speaker 1 That's the Asian sound opening.

Speaker 1 You sounded Asian even

Speaker 1 when you try not to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me ask you something. She's speaking to the universe.
If you were hooked up with a girl

Speaker 1 and she was doing that, would you stop? I'd come in seconds. You would? If she started going,

Speaker 1 I wouldn't.

Speaker 1 I'd be done in a second.

Speaker 1 Really? How could you stop? I would be so. My dick would just soften inner vagina.
Wait, would you go back? Would you be in character? Would you.

Speaker 1 And then when I pulled out, it would be like fucking a gum, piece of gum.

Speaker 1 Like, pop!

Speaker 1 Yeah, like, I would be so fucking soft.

Speaker 1 Would you play along, though, a little bit? If she started going,

Speaker 1 would you just go,

Speaker 1 maybe it would be hot as fuck. You turn into a bird? That's roleplay.
Dude, it would be so annoying.

Speaker 1 Give me the other. There's one more, I think, where it says like happiness exercise or something like that.
There's one that, what is that?

Speaker 1 She's so annoyed, dude.

Speaker 1 I love this. It does feel good, though.
See? Oh, so it did work. It does work.
All right, let's.

Speaker 1 It feels so.

Speaker 1 Do it. You do it.

Speaker 1 See?

Speaker 1 It work. I feel

Speaker 1 so much better. Clean.
Yeah. Shout out to this chick.
What is her profile name on there?

Speaker 1 Soul Heart Open. Soul Heart Opening.
Do you feel like your soul and your heart is opening up a little bit? A little bit. Because I got to tell you, you've been happier than you've ever been lately.

Speaker 1 I've seen you smile a lot more.

Speaker 1 You danced in your room naked this morning, didn't you, over the city of New York, you told me. You opened the blinds and you just whirled around the room.
No, because I just like being here.

Speaker 1 I know what I'm saying. You say you love waking up in the morning in a new city and you were in the window naked dancing.

Speaker 1 It's because you know, we, you know, we were in the pandemic for so long. And you didn't get to go to hotels.
I didn't get to do any of it. And it's just like, you know, I just feel a little freer.

Speaker 1 That's all. It's nice to go.
Well, I think it's also not being at home sometimes. Because you wake up at home, it's the same exercise that you always do.

Speaker 1 You get up, you take a shit, you do this, you do that, you make coffee. You have the same pattern.
At least when you wake up in a new city, there's no timeline. Have you ever had a jock itch?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Have you ever had a jock itch? Jock itch? Yeah. Are you having it? I had a couple of weeks ago.
I think it's gone now. How did you get a jock? You're not a jock.
How would you get that? I know.

Speaker 1 I never did anything I don't do now. Well, you know, you just shaved your pubes.
That can maybe be it. Is that what it is? Yeah.
No, but it's not even on the pube part. It was off the side.

Speaker 1 On your thigh. Yeah.
Well, because your thigh is... Between the sack and the thigh.
But your thighs rub together, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Well, that's why.

Speaker 1 But does that ever happen to you? No, I'm in shape.

Speaker 1 You need to just get some baby powder and put it on the inside of your little tiny Asian thigh. Can we get some afterwards? 100%.
We'll go to Dwayne Reed.

Speaker 1 Baby, baby, baby, baby powder. How much does that cost? Like $700 or $800 for just like a little six-on-fit.

Speaker 1 How much does it cost? It's like $10. Oh, $10? Okay, okay.
Yeah. You're scared now about money? I just watched you order a whole lunch that you didn't even eat.

Speaker 1 I know, no, because I don't like buying things that I'm not only going to use once.

Speaker 1 That's exactly what you do. I know.
That's like yours.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to change my winter. How many vape pens do you have with you on vacation now or on the trip? Omni right now? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's go through. Not a lot.
Let's go through. I got one.
What's that one called? This is Elf Bar, Tropical Rainbow Blast. Elf Bar.
I have this one. Flume.
Flume. Oh, I have a fine.
Iceberry Lemon.

Speaker 1 Ooh. I have this one.

Speaker 1 Ice Cola by Fog Xbox. Okay.
Oh, Xbox does that now? Yeah, yeah. 360?

Speaker 1 I got another one.

Speaker 1 This is

Speaker 1 Cola. Another Cola.
Freeze.

Speaker 1 I got this one.

Speaker 1 Vietnamese coffee. Vietnamese coffee.
That one's good. I have this one.

Speaker 1 It's called

Speaker 1 Tobacco. Just a couple, I guess.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 1 We went shopping and bought, and Bobby, show everybody your bag that we bought yesterday from Fall. How do you say Fall? Is it Fall Raven?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Fall Raven. I think they're Swedish.
Yeah, I got it. Yeah, I really like these bags.
Fall Raven. Fall Raven.
And we walked in there, and the guy says to Bobby,

Speaker 1 come on, it's funny. Don't hurt me.

Speaker 1 Bobby goes, I just want a bag. I know exactly what I want.
I want like a strap. And the girl says, I use this one.
They're so dope. And so Bobby sees it and goes, That is dope.

Speaker 1 Can I have the yellow one? Yeah. She pulls it down and we go up to the front, and there's a dude.
Well, there was a joke that you said. What did I say?

Speaker 1 When I picked the yellow one, no, you first picked the or when I picked up the yellow one, you go, oh, it matches the skin,

Speaker 1 your skin. And then she goes, oh, oh, that's uncomfortable.
She goes, you can say that. I can't say that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, something like that. I said, well, it'll blend right in.

Speaker 1 You won't even know that you're wearing it. Yeah, yeah.
And the guy at the front desk goes, he goes, oh, man,

Speaker 1 Bobby Lee. And I go, yes, it is.
And the guy goes, man, I used to watch you on TV. How come you're not on TV no more? And I said, he is on TV still.
He's on a couple of different shows.

Speaker 1 And he goes, nah, man, I ain't seen you on TV no more. It was awesome.
Why do you like that? Because it was funny.

Speaker 1 And his friend in the back was laughing. Dying laughing.
Dying laughing. Well, because they don't know that it's mean.
He doesn't mean it mean. Right, right.
He's not mean. It's not mean.
I was fine.

Speaker 1 No, no, but it stays with you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it does stay with you, but it's fine. It's fine.
I mean, yeah. People do it all the time.
Look, when people say to me something like,

Speaker 1 oh, you're in that show, and I'll go, yeah, and they go, I don't really like that show, but you're funny, but I don't like that show. How does that hurt? You're good in it.
Yeah, but they're cheap.

Speaker 1 It's better than what have you been doing for 20 years. No, but basically it's the same thing.
It's like saying, like, I don't like that thing, but I think you're okay. Oh, right.

Speaker 1 But it's like, well, I don't need to know that.

Speaker 1 You don't need to tell me you don't like it. If you don't like it, that's okay.
But I don't need to know that you don't like it. That's weird as shit.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like every time I walk past a restaurant and out loud, I went, I don't like Al Shaval. I just said it to the guy at the front.

Speaker 1 And he's like, oh, okay. And he's like, yeah, I don't like it, but okay, bye.

Speaker 1 I remember when I did the movie The Dictator, I was sitting there at the comedy store and Bill Burr walked by and he goes, Saw the dictator, I hated it, but you're good.

Speaker 1 And that makes that still felt good. Yeah, but from Bill Burr, it's fine.
Yeah, yeah. From a guy on the street, it's different.
That's true. Bill Burr is someone you respect.
It's a colleague.

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Speaker 1 bespoke post oh i love bespoke post you know you know why they do the box of awesome yeah and what you do is you fill out a little quiz right at boxofawesome calm and you will get the best gift for anybody or yourself they release new boxes every single month across a ton of different categories and each box is valued at around seventy dollars but you're gonna pay a fraction of the price and each box you're supporting a small business ninety percent of everything that comes in your box of awesome awesome is from a small up-and-coming brand.

Speaker 1 What they did, they sent me a whiskey decanter last time, and one of my favorites is the Carnivore box that I just got, too, that has this American barbecue

Speaker 1 rub. It was delicious.
It's made in Michigan. Bobby got himself river.
I love the river box. Yeah, he got that diving knife.
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Speaker 1 do you get nervous when you talk to him

Speaker 1 not anymore but i know what you're saying it's i don't get nervous nervous it's um you're thinking about what you're saying no yeah you're thinking about it and also you're you're ready yeah yeah i'm loaded like i'm loaded i have a thing i want to say yeah yeah and sometimes he'll go don't worry about it i'm not going to attack you today Sometimes.

Speaker 1 Sometimes, right? But I'm like up. You're on guard.
Yeah, I'm like that with Chris Rock, like with Chris Rocks in the road. You'll say Marin all.

Speaker 1 I never talk to him, but always I, and then when he locks eyes, I'll always give him a pound. He'll go, what's up, man, this and that, right? But I'm always so aware of it.
Why are we like that?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 we respect them, maybe. Yeah, but I respect Distefano.
I don't feel that way with him. No, no, but we respect them in a way that they're kind of like a superior in comedy to us.
They are superior.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah 100 yeah this fucking rock they're legend yeah i mean yeah it's just because because we respect him at a higher level like stefano is our peer she's he's our friend we love his stuff yeah but it's different he's our friend and peer where like rock or burr those guys i don't know we hold them on a little bit of a higher yeah thing you know i think we do like i like i've seen colin quinn here at the cellar and i don't dare say hello You don't?

Speaker 1 Never. He doesn't know who the fuck I am, and that's fine.
But also, I would never even introduce myself. Who is that? Colin Quinn? Yeah.
Are you fucking... Shut up.
You're so annoying. I know.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't even say hi. I don't,

Speaker 1 but why would I say hi? He doesn't know me. And also, I don't want to do that thing where you go, hey, I'm a comic.

Speaker 1 And then he'll go, so? Can I ask you something that annoyed me the other day? That I did? No, something that I saw, and then I kind of mentioned it to some people, and they go, what's the big deal?

Speaker 1 What? So I'm doing the improv on a Saturday night

Speaker 1 on Melrose. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And there's a guy on the lineup before me. And it's, you know, it's a Saturday main room, right?

Speaker 1 And I got off stage and he was outside passing out his flyer

Speaker 1 for gigs that he's doing. What? Yeah.
He's like, hey, come check me out here. I'm headline.
Check me out. Wait, wait, go like this and say who it was.
I don't know his name.

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't even memorize his name. I was like, what? But he was a kid and he was on the main room show and yet he's out there just going, hey, my name is, come check me out.

Speaker 1 I kind of respect the hustle, I'm not going to lie.

Speaker 1 Really? He's got a hustle. What the fuck? He's got a hustle.
I don't know. Yeah, but that's not how it is.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, then, respect.
But that's not how you do it. How do you do it? My theory is this: you do the work, and people will come to you.
But maybe he's not as good as you, Bobby, so he needs to.

Speaker 1 He is good. He made it to the main room show.
But maybe he needs the hustle to grow because the times are different. When you made it,

Speaker 1 when you made it, it was different. Let me say something.
You made it 20 years ago.

Speaker 1 30 years ago. Fuck you.
40 years ago, maybe.

Speaker 1 That's funny. You made it a long time ago.
That's funny. You made it when Mitzi was like 18.
I mean, she was a kid when you made it. Old jokes.
I love it. You got past.
Hey, fuck you, man.

Speaker 1 You got past when you were a thin, burgeoning,

Speaker 1 your eyes were wide. Well, your eyes were open to the future.

Speaker 1 You were wide-eyed and bushy-tailed. So you're doing old jokes and Asian-eyed jokes? Yeah, working on it.
At the same time, what, what?

Speaker 1 You think something's changed around the show just because we're in news. The point is, is this, okay? Is back in my day, it was harder.
Would you say that?

Speaker 1 In the 90s. No, it was different.
There was no internet. I know.
And now all these kids are competing on the internet. So it's even harder for them.
Now they have nothing but competition.

Speaker 1 Now the competition is right next to them. Instead, you had to go live and do it in front of people.
I think it's a different kind of difficulty. You can't compare it.

Speaker 1 This is like the Jordan fucking, you know, like Jordan LeBron debate or whatever, or any of these athletes from different eras. It's like, you can't.
It's not apples to apples. It's impossible.

Speaker 1 There's so many factors that changed in our profession that you just, there's no way to say that was harder. I'm sure old heads would say it.
You just changed my mind. I love you.
You did.

Speaker 1 Like Seinfeld would probably be like, it was way harder back then. But you're like, because maybe if I worked harder, maybe I would be bigger.

Speaker 1 Bigger than what? What? You're big. How big do you want to? What do you want to be? What does that even mean? I don't know.
You're as big as you want to be. Exactly.
So you're great. Okay.

Speaker 1 Wolf loves you. Wolf likes me.
No, he loves you. You know what I love? His black hair.
Yep.

Speaker 1 It's beautiful.

Speaker 1 The amount of letters we're going to get for this. What? You guys should not joke around about that stuff.
About what? Oh, you know, dude. You know.
You know what I have to learn?

Speaker 1 That you can't, like, you know how when I'm on stage, I'll touch people's hair?

Speaker 1 Don't do that. No, I do.

Speaker 1 You don't do that. I do it all the time.
I've told you you can't touch people. Yeah.
So I touch people's hair and I go, hi, welcome to the show, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I learned not to do it to black black women's hair. They don't like it.
Yeah, that's that, I mean, that's like, I think you get five to seven years for that. Yeah, they don't like it.

Speaker 1 I think that's a big fucking no-no. Also, if you get punched or slapped because of it, then you deserve it.
Yeah. But here's the.

Speaker 1 Have you ever gotten violent, like an attack?

Speaker 1 Verbally. But you've never been physically assaulted? No.
Oh, well, I mean, a guy threw a shoe at me in San Diego at the La Jolla comedy store. Oh, he did? It was the funniest.
I died laughing.

Speaker 1 Oh, did you dodge like George Bush did when he did? Remember when he did that? And I want to throw the other one.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He threw a safe.
That's when I respected Georgia Bush, by the way. 100%.
I hated him before. Like, I go, dude, his eye contact.
He ducked. Yeah, he looked.
He did this with his head, too.

Speaker 1 Little Bobby. Yeah, dude.
Man. But I also wanted the guy to throw the other shoe.
I was like, throw the second shoe.

Speaker 1 You have two shoes.

Speaker 1 Now you're going to be on one shoe. He tackled him?

Speaker 1 It's hard for the second shoe. I don't know, man.
He got one on. When you throw one shoe at a president, you have a split second time.

Speaker 1 Each shoe in a hand. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he didn't think it through. No, isn't he? There's Allie.
Oh, come on in. Allie.
Hi. Allie Makofsky is here, a Los Angeles-based comedian.
Did you do your hair appointment?

Speaker 1 Who's in New York doing shows? She canceled a hair appointment to come here because she said it's raining anyhow. You have a hair appointment? No.
No. Why? Bring the mic up.

Speaker 2 Well, first of all, you guys, I felt like an idiot. You called me to do the podcast.
I'm like, I have a hair appointment. And then I was like, what the fuck am I doing?

Speaker 1 Allie Makofsky is here. She's a little sister to me.

Speaker 1 She's been on the road with me. Now, my little birdie flies as free as she could ever fly, so she doesn't need to come with me anymore.

Speaker 1 She's a headliner and she's going to be doing the show with us in Grammarcy, which when this episode comes out, it'll be over.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I probably did so well.

Speaker 1 You know, but you know, you almost made me mad. Did you do well?

Speaker 1 Because when you first asked her, she goes, I can't. I have a hair appointment.
Yeah. Right.
And then at that point, I was just like, wow. Wow.
We can't beat a hair appointment. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you called back. And you said, I'm coming.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because it was one of those things, I hate having to cancel on appointments and things like that. I feel like it's so disrespectful.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I also made the appointment last minute. So I'm like, they haven't even thought about me for more than 30.

Speaker 1 But how long did it take you to call us back?

Speaker 2 Literally, as soon as I hung up, I was like, what am I doing?

Speaker 1 She texted me right away. Oh, yeah.
But you know what's so interesting? You tell me because I don't know. With guys' hair, it doesn't, it's different.
Yeah. But a girl's hair is a whole fucking thing.

Speaker 1 It's super expensive. It's a long process.
When you cancel, are they really upset?

Speaker 2 If it's like been in the books and there's a whole process, but I'm just getting a blowout. I just want someone to wash my hair.
There's nothing better than someone else scrubbing your scalp.

Speaker 1 Why can't you wash yourself? I can. Yeah, yeah.
But then they use it. Women are lazy, dude.
Is that what it is? They're so easy. They're so lazy.
They're so lazy.

Speaker 2 I grew up with a single father, okay, Bobby?

Speaker 1 I didn't know that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was just my dad.

Speaker 1 Well, she also had a single mom, too.

Speaker 2 And a single mom, but I wasn't with her as much.

Speaker 1 Why, why, why, why, why, why?

Speaker 2 She's an alcoholic.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Not anymore.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 she's still in the game. Wait, she still.
She hasn't hung up the jersey yet.

Speaker 2 She goes long periods of time without it. So it's just, you never know.

Speaker 1 How come I never hung out with your mom?

Speaker 2 She rocks. I love her.

Speaker 1 I'm not drinking. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, next time she's on a bender, I'll be there.

Speaker 1 I'd love to party with your mom. You go down to Long.
Did she do cocaine too?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 She's like very much like.

Speaker 1 She does cocaine.

Speaker 1 Nobody drinks that much and doesn't do cocaine. How do you think they keep drinking?

Speaker 2 I think she likes to sleep.

Speaker 2 She's big on the sleeping, so she's anti-coke.

Speaker 1 Anti-coke.

Speaker 2 She's like a very naturally

Speaker 2 high-strung person. She's got a lot of energy.
She loves cleaning the house.

Speaker 1 Where does she live?

Speaker 2 In the Bay Air, in the Bay Air, in the South Bay.

Speaker 1 By Long Beach. Yeah.
So, what, that's Long Beach? Well, she's from down there. Oh, you are?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, but I never learned how to do my own hair. I don't want to.
I like when someone else does it.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Because you grew up with most of your dad, dad didn't do your hair, did he?

Speaker 2 And I had two older sisters, but they didn't want to show me how to do it.

Speaker 1 They also were struggling to figure out how to do it. Yeah, I've seen their hair.
I get that. Neither of them know what they're doing.

Speaker 1 When did you you first get sober i got sober

Speaker 2 when i was like i think 20.

Speaker 1 did i know you then or no i don't think so yeah yeah i don't think so i think we only knew each

Speaker 1 well actually how old were you when

Speaker 2 we met i mean i feel like i i don't know because i feel like i saw you guys at the store a lot because i was just lingering you were there a lot as a young open mic girl i was like getting fucked up at the comedy store under age bad girls bad i could have gotten them in trouble.

Speaker 1 They did get in a load of trouble. At one point, do you remember this? Oh my god.

Speaker 1 They got in so much fucking trouble because they sent in, the LAPD had found out that people were getting fucked up there.

Speaker 1 And a mom of a kid called the police on the comedy store and said, My kid got fucked up there. They got in trouble, blah, blah, blah.
They sent an undercover.

Speaker 2 This is back in. Is this true? Yes.

Speaker 1 This is Tommy Days, though. Oh, okay.
It's a completely different business. I've been there since the 90s.

Speaker 1 It's just night and day.

Speaker 1 It used to be people used to run. Chaos.
chaos it was nuts it was i got beat the out of there yeah i like that by the jew

Speaker 1 say it again ari shafir the number one jew the number one jew he did he beat the out of me well he smacked you around yeah but you guys were friends right no not then oh i hated him yeah he beat the out of me and they wouldn't call the cops or like oh let it go i'm bleeding

Speaker 2 What started it? You had to have done something.

Speaker 1 He called him a Jew. What are you wearing? No.
You don't know what happened? No.

Speaker 1 Were you wearing your swastika shirt? Yeah. He had a big swastika shirt.
He used to wear

Speaker 1 it. My mustache was different.
It was like one of those little ones.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It was like a square right there.

Speaker 2 What do you think is the time frame of that mustache coming back in style?

Speaker 1 It's about to be a lot better.

Speaker 2 There's got to be a certain amount of time.

Speaker 1 There is a group of guys in Brooklyn right now that have that, without a doubt. And Williamsburg is right there.

Speaker 1 They're called the Proud Boys. PBs.
Yeah, yeah. No.
So really, you've seen people with that fucking mustache? Without a doubt, it exists. Wolf has a mistake.
I've never seen a Hitler mustache.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen a Hitler mustache out and about? Yeah, see, it's out of the way.

Speaker 1 Have you seen a Hitler mustache it's there cool guys cool hip dudes you know yeah cool guys that fucking teeter on the edge yeah they love it and then if somebody says something they're like really you like no

Speaker 1 you're a fucking piece of

Speaker 1 like they throw it back in your face like you're and they're like get out of here dude but i can't see how that was fashionable even back then it looks cool as it doesn't it looks awesome it looks that's supposed to be here not here no it looks strong oh maybe it just looks like strength coming out of your nose it does you you guys are down here you guys started down here.

Speaker 1 We did the Fu Manchu. We did the opposite.
Love Fu Manchu. We went down.
Yeah, should I do that? You should do it. I would love to.
A Fu Manchu? He can do it better because his hair.

Speaker 1 See his beard hair, how it's like stringier? Yeah. Mine is bush.
Like my bush would, it's thick.

Speaker 1 It would come out like this. It's forward.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yours is beautiful.
No, because this does grow down. I'm going to do Fu Manchu.
Please. You will? I will.
I'll try to do it with you.

Speaker 1 All right, let's do a Fu Manchu contest. Would you ever shave?

Speaker 2 Huh? Would you ever shave this beautiful thing?

Speaker 1 I shaved. No, because I don't like my face.
I shaved my beard like four times in the history of me being in Hollywood, like for a job. I did it for arrested development.

Speaker 2 And then did they have a moment where they're like, we're going to shave your face? And you're like, it doesn't look good. And they're like, we have to.
And then they realize they fucked up.

Speaker 1 And they're like, put it back. Yeah.
And they have to just

Speaker 1 blow it right back on my face. No, every time though, it just doesn't.
I look as old as I'm going to look. So like even without it, it's not like it ages me down when I shave.

Speaker 1 I just look like me without facial hair. Yeah.
Which I'm still a cutie pie. It's just not the same.
But I love my facial. I've had this since I was 16.

Speaker 1 I grew facial hair when I was 15 years old, and I loved it.

Speaker 1 And I never knocked rid of it.

Speaker 2 I just started getting facial hairs.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Do you have a mustache?

Speaker 2 I have a mustache for sure.

Speaker 1 You waxed it? I waxed it, yeah. Do you have a really bush? I feel like you have a real bush, like an Amazonian bush.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because I have like, I have like Russian, Russian DNA.

Speaker 1 I'm like,

Speaker 1 Russian Jewish.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, Russian Jews have the thickest bush.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. So it's a nice.

Speaker 1 Do you have hair on your nipples?

Speaker 2 not yet. I have one.

Speaker 1 And you need you keep it. I keep it.
Why?

Speaker 2 Because I like it.

Speaker 2 It's only one.

Speaker 1 But is it long? It's probably long. No, no, no.
Oh, it's not?

Speaker 1 When she gets married, it says, will you take this woman to be your, you now pick the nipple? And then, bing! You can pick the nipple hair. That signifies love.

Speaker 2 So what's your ideal? If you could, like, draw, like, if we had, like, one of those crime investigative drawers,

Speaker 1 very interesting. What is this?

Speaker 2 You should get one of those on the pod.

Speaker 1 Okay, so she's

Speaker 1 Bobby's ideal woman. 5'8.

Speaker 1 Good number. I'm 5'8.
Uh-oh,

Speaker 2 what if he just keeps describing me?

Speaker 1 And I'm like, why did you guys bring it to Allison, Allie, one of those? She has stringy, dirty hair. Okay.

Speaker 1 One nipple hair.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I feel like I know someone like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you know, Snuffleupagus?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 From Sesame Street. Sesame Street? Yeah.
Imagine if Snuffalopoulos just bushes down here. Oh, I love it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the kind of girl you see.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and the clit is as long as Snufflepugus's snout. Snout.
Yeah, his snuffy snout. Right.

Speaker 2 Okay, then it's not me.

Speaker 1 No, she's talking.

Speaker 2 I don't even have a hole down there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And

Speaker 1 yeah, no, I'll tell you real, okay? So about 5'8, 5'9.

Speaker 1 Thin.

Speaker 2 How tall are you?

Speaker 1 Why? 5'3'? 5'5'3.

Speaker 2 I want to imagine the...

Speaker 1 He's 5'3 ⁇ . 5'3 ⁇ .
Okay. Yeah.
5'3-5'4. Hey.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm 5'2. It's 2 without shoes.

Speaker 1 We measured at the studio. We already went.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. 5'2 without shoes.
You're insane! 5'3 with socks and shoes. Okay.

Speaker 1 And spiky hair. And spiky hair.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 5'3 with spiky hair.
All right, so.

Speaker 1 5'8 ⁇ , she's thin. What does thin mean?

Speaker 1 Give me a weight range.

Speaker 1 125?

Speaker 1 5'8, 125 is pretty thin.

Speaker 2 That's really small. No, no, no, it's just really small.
No, that's like, that's like really small.

Speaker 1 It's really thin. It's like not even though it's really thin.
5'30.

Speaker 1 130, I mean.

Speaker 1 Five more pounds. That's so funny.
135. 5 even issue.
135.

Speaker 2 125 is what every woman says on their driver's license. 125? Yeah, unless you're like over 200 pounds.

Speaker 2 If you're 189 pounds, you're like, I'm 120.

Speaker 1 What do you say on your driver's? 120. You do.
That's so funny. They all say that.

Speaker 2 Do you think I'm 120? Because a lot of guys think that people, it won't hurt my feelings if you say no.

Speaker 1 But a lot of people. I wouldn't know.

Speaker 1 You know, here's why weights are tough. Because everyone holds weight different.
Like, people look at me. I'm 6'1.
How much do you think I work? I'm so bad at using it. Yeah, see what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's so good. I'll never work at a terrible.
No. I'm going to say,

Speaker 2 I'm gonna say,

Speaker 2 How big is your penis?

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 the whole thing? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll say

Speaker 2 190. 195.

Speaker 1 Whoa!

Speaker 1 Sign me up. That's actually really good because I can't guess.
Because you're to me, are you 180

Speaker 1 or 185?

Speaker 1 You're 190?

Speaker 1 How much? You know. It's 165.
165, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Is that good or bad?

Speaker 1 It's good. It's very good.
It's not fat. Well,

Speaker 1 because muscle weighs more than fat. And he's got

Speaker 1 so much more fat than muscle. It's mostly.

Speaker 1 It's mostly fat. It's mostly fat.
Skin, too. A lot of skin.
And blood. Skin and blood.
Blood weighs and blood. Yeah, yeah.
A lot of blood. You know why I'm fat? It's still my blood.

Speaker 1 Let's go back to my girl. All right, 5'8, thin, 125.
Yeah, I like. 125 to 145.
Let's just say. I don't like big breasts.
You don't like big tests? I like mid-range.

Speaker 1 I don't know what the cup sizes or whatever, but i don't like big areola guy bc guy what's bc mean b's or c you don't want d's i don't want d's okay yeah yeah it's just i don't like it it's okay you like it yeah yeah nipple hair or no no okay no nipple hair jesus john

Speaker 1 i like um

Speaker 1 a pretty face

Speaker 1 what does that mean um symmetrical Yeah, they're just certain like I met a girl the other night where she was five foot,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 She had small, very small breasts. You love small tits.
Yeah. And she was, but her face was so beautiful that I was willing to compromise my other.
That's nice of you. And she was so funny, too.

Speaker 1 Did she have to compromise anything with you, you think? A lot. Yeah, well? What about piercings? I don't like piercings.
Nose.

Speaker 1 No, no piercings.

Speaker 1 Like, I matched, I saw a girl on Tinder, and she has one of those gigantic gauges.

Speaker 1 Whole things in her ears. Yeah.
I don't like that.

Speaker 2 I went through a phase where I was about to get gauges.

Speaker 1 Is that what that is? Gauges? Gauges are down here, but you stretch them out. Yeah, I don't like that.
I don't like that. I don't know how to get a little bit big.

Speaker 2 I almost, that could have been me. I could have been a gauge girl.

Speaker 1 No tongue ring? No, I don't like that. What about this one? This one's kind of cool.
No, I don't like that. What about one of these? I don't even like tattoos.

Speaker 1 You have a bunch. I know.
So what are you talking about? I don't know. A woman.
Oh, so you, oh, you get some of that.

Speaker 2 You don't like a pure Christian woman.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I like pure.
You have pure little white girls.

Speaker 1 I like Little House in the Prairie. Oh, the girl that was raised by...
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're a girl who knows how to like bake bread.

Speaker 1 Yeah, churn butter.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? That's what she's going to have to do when she fucks you. Yeah, and I want her to say ow when I enter.
Impossible. Where are you going to find this girl?

Speaker 1 But just fake it. Ow.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait. So I stick it and be believable, though.
Okay. Right?

Speaker 1 There we go.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That was believable.
Dude, I just got hard on it.

Speaker 2 It's too soft.

Speaker 1 No, no, because he doesn't want it loud. Yeah.
Because if it's loud, you know it's fake. It's too ow.
You do it. If it's loud, you know it's fake.

Speaker 2 I've done this many times.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But are you going to fake it? Let's just try it, ready? All right.

Speaker 1 Ah!

Speaker 1 That's good, too. I believe that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How many times have you faked an orgasm?

Speaker 2 Every time.

Speaker 1 No. Whoa.

Speaker 1 You come now. No.

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Speaker 1 Wait, wait.

Speaker 1 Why do you fake it then? Just say it didn't happen.

Speaker 2 The older I get, the less I stopped faking it.

Speaker 2 I stopped faking it maybe like three years ago.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have you ever faked an order? I have. Me too.
I have. It's embarrassing.
It's so embarrassing. It's so weird.
It's so weird.

Speaker 1 That's how I do it. I had a condom on, so it's like she didn't know.
Do you know what I mean? Like, she would have been like, Wait, there's nothing, there is nothing.

Speaker 1 Like, I had a condom, so then it's like, oh, yeah, I came. I just wanted to get.
Oh, I didn't do that. I pulled out and nothing came out.
I heard

Speaker 1 like this, and nothing came out. She was looking at it, like, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 I jerked off like 20 minutes ago.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, you got to lie. That's a fail.
That's a long fail. That's a failure to launch.
Why did you not come? I wanted to stop. I wasn't into it.
I was like, this is.

Speaker 1 A smell will throw me off. Oh, my God.
Will it ever? Will it? One waft. One waft.

Speaker 1 Have you ever gone to suck a dude and his balls stunk and every single time? Every ball, every guy. Your boyfriend? I know your boyfriend.
Yeah. His balls stink?

Speaker 2 Yes, every game's ball stink.

Speaker 1 He doesn't look like his balls stink.

Speaker 2 Even when he showers, there's just a smell to balls.

Speaker 1 Do you know why his balls stink? Do you know why? Tell me.

Speaker 1 Because he has a shit problem. Because he has a shit problem.

Speaker 2 He has really long balls, so maybe when he's pooping, they just kind of...

Speaker 1 They may knock off the wall. He has diarrhea.
I know this. Her boyfriend.
Yeah. Is he going to be mad? No, not at all.
Her boyfriend has diarrhea diarrhea every day.

Speaker 1 Every single day of his life is a problem. Is that what Jewish is? Stomach problems.
They all have IBS. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Is he Jewish? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The percentage of Jewish people that have IBS is probably like 90.

Speaker 2 Right. But it's more than IBS.
A lot of people throw IBS around. Yeah.
He has like ulcerative colitis.

Speaker 1 Yes. Extra.

Speaker 1 It even sounds Jewish. Ulcerative colitis.
It sounds like it's like. Oh, my ulcerative colitis.

Speaker 1 It was called something else, and then Jewish guys were like, we have to call it ours.

Speaker 2 His dad's side of the family isn't Jewish, so he has like the, he has the like stubbornness of that side where he won't do anything about it.

Speaker 2 If he was like pure Jew, he'd be at the doctor every day making sure it was fine.

Speaker 1 Hypochondriac.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, he is, but he just doesn't do anything about it.

Speaker 1 You know her boy. We can say his name.
We can say, no, no. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, Mo. You know his dad.
You know who his dad was, like, a comedy legend, was a manager. You know this, right? No.

Speaker 1 Well, you don't? No, what's his last name? I'm not going to talk. We're not going to say that on the other hand.
Okay, but he was a manager? He was a legend in the comedy world.

Speaker 1 I mean, I know that was so what, Burlston Gray.

Speaker 1 Was it Mo Burlstein? No. We're not going to say her last name.
We don't want to compromise the privacy. But can I just go back to his balls, though, okay?

Speaker 1 More importantly. No, I have a theory.
Okay, so check it out. Here's my theory.

Speaker 1 Better than her long drop poop ball thing? Because the poop knocking off the that I got. I saw it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to just make this up, right? Let's say you had an apparatus. Got it.
Right. That's a box.

Speaker 1 Imagine this box has a clear wall so you can see through the box. Got it.
Right? Inside the box, you put a jelly bean.

Speaker 1 Okay? Yeah, I'm there. Are you with me? Yeah, yes.
So out of the box, it's somebody's asshole. It's a tube that sticks to somebody's asshole, right?

Speaker 1 And this guy's farting into this fucking box every day. Eventually, that jelly bean will smell like fart.

Speaker 1 So his underwear, your Mo's underwear, his butthole stinks so bad that his nutsack is the jelly bean and it ferments, you know what I mean? Down there.

Speaker 1 And also during the day, you know, there's sweat and all kinds of things that's happening. He's gassy? He's not that gassy.
It doesn't matter. His asshole is not pure.
Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's leaking. It's not leaking.
It's just not a pure asshole. Like, have you ever had a toilet after you flush it, you still hear it running a little bit? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because his ass, maybe he has a little bit of a hole. Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe. Oh, he's running a little bit.

Speaker 2 Well, he can't hold his. He can't, he can't, like, if he has to go, he can't just.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 So he definitely has a leaky.

Speaker 1 So that's going to affect. Maybe the jelly bean thing, I could have said it a different way, but.
It just took you a long time to say something.

Speaker 1 You could have just said,

Speaker 1 but still. Being in his underwear and so the close proximity of his balls to his ass was trapped.
So it's trapped in this damn thing.

Speaker 1 Well, you know how you do a Dutch oven when you put the covers over a little part? You're doing what you do with the Khalil all the time.

Speaker 1 Can you smell my sack?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 When we're in a car together or if we're in a nutshell. No, right now, can you smell it? No, because we're just far enough away.
You're button. No, I'll just pull it out and you smell my nut sack.

Speaker 1 You want me to smell it right now? And see what it smells like? Yeah. Go ahead.
Are you being real? Yeah, go ahead. Okay.
I'll see how it smells.

Speaker 2 It's unbuttoned already.

Speaker 1 I know. Stand up.
But you will smell it? I'll see what it smells like. Yeah.
Don't let Wolf see. He doesn't need to see that.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Don't get it too close.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Fresh? I gotta lick it. Let me see again.
Let me take it. I don't know.
But it smells like clean. Honestly? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It smells like clean laundry. Wow.
Are you wearing brand new underwear? No, dude. It smells clean.
Koreans have a self-generating mechanism in their body. Oh, yeah.
Oh, I heard you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're future people. Your jelly bean doesn't stay in one place.
No. Well, yeah, it doesn't, no.

Speaker 1 You have a smooth little nut. Dude, it was so

Speaker 1 smooth and like tight. My nut sack has three wrinkles.

Speaker 1 What? Yes.

Speaker 1 Asian. Asians, we age good here and our sacks.
Wow. That's so cute.
Did you know that? I had no idea. Yeah, and you can't Google that.
I thought it was black don't crack. I didn't know.

Speaker 1 They don't either, right? But you guys. but we, our sacks are just wrinkle.
Asian sacks don't crack, wrinkle-free. Them Asian sacks, yeah, yeah, they're so soft, too.

Speaker 1 And they have a self-generating cleaning mechanism. Have you ever heard an Asian guy? You ever slept with an Asian guy? No,

Speaker 2 why? But not because I wouldn't. No, why, why, why, but not because I wouldn't.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you this. We all know why.
No, I want to ask a question, right? Let me ask you something, Ali. Okay,

Speaker 1 how many guys have you been with?

Speaker 2 So many.

Speaker 1 None of your business. Okay, let's just make up a number.
Okay. 46.
Let's say 20. Okay.
All right. 46.
Out of the 20 guys you've had sex with, how many have them been minorities?

Speaker 2 I would say

Speaker 1 half.

Speaker 1 No. Let's be real.
No.

Speaker 2 I would say like

Speaker 1 a fourth.

Speaker 1 So 25% have been minorities.

Speaker 2 Yeah, maybe 25%.

Speaker 1 And in that 25% of minorities.

Speaker 2 Does Jewish count as minorities?

Speaker 1 No, no, it doesn't. They're white.
So 25% of minorities.

Speaker 2 I can't say 15%.

Speaker 1 All right, so the 15%, right?

Speaker 1 How many of them have been

Speaker 1 the percentage of that black people?

Speaker 2 I would say...

Speaker 1 Just Jamar neighbors.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Could you imagine? Brian Moses.
Brian Moses.

Speaker 2 I've heard his penis is so much

Speaker 2 effective.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's actually.
You can just tell. This is actually it.
This is legit. Legitimately just tells me.
This is actually it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. That's so scary.

Speaker 1 So no black guys.

Speaker 2 No, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say that's like, I'm not good at math.

Speaker 1 Out of the 50%, out of all the minorities you've had, 50%?

Speaker 2 Of the, okay, of the 15%. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, so 50%.

Speaker 1 And then out of the 15%, how many of them are Mexican?

Speaker 2 I would say the other. 50?

Speaker 1 Maybe? Yeah, so you're racist. Just towards Asians.
Against Asians. Yeah, but I would.
I would.

Speaker 1 We're around. There's a billion of us.
I know, but you guys aren't. It's just like, okay, I'm in a room.
I'm in a room. And there's a black guy, an Asian guy,

Speaker 1 and a Latino guy. This is a funny joke coming away.
Walk into a a bar.

Speaker 1 Black guy,

Speaker 1 Asian guy, and Mexican guy. Walk into a bar.
Well, the Mexican guy is cleaning up, the black guys robbing the place, and the Asian guy is doing the taxes.

Speaker 1 Who do you want to fuck? You want to fuck a car? You don't fuck someone that's working out. Right, no, right, right.
No, no, but honestly, but honestly,

Speaker 1 you want adventure and fun. Latinos and black people, adventurous, fun.
Asian guys,

Speaker 1 risk aversion, risk-averse, too safe. She wants someone to save

Speaker 1 raw dogs. Am I safe? You're unique.
Am I safe? You're unique. I'm asking you a question.
Am I safe? Yes, you are. Really? You are very safe.
All right. Am I adventurous? Can be.

Speaker 1 Or you just stay in your fucking hotel all day. Okay.
So that's what I mean. It's fair enough.
But she knows she's getting a gamble when she goes with anybody else. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She knows what she gets when she has white. When she has white, it's golden corral.
It's a buffet.

Speaker 2 Well, it's predominantly.

Speaker 1 It's all fine. You might get a little noodle that was.
You feel comfortable with white.

Speaker 2 Well, it's predominantly because when I started whoring it up, it was in my last year of high school and then when I was kind of going to college. My high school was mostly white people.

Speaker 2 My college was a lot of white people.

Speaker 2 And so just the circles I was in at that time. It's a white circle.
And then when I started doing comedy, I was banging like these loser open micers.

Speaker 1 They were so ultimate. And they were mostly also white.

Speaker 1 What are you going to do? Dude, I've... I've had Asians, so count me out.
I love Asians. And that's why I'm not asking you a question.
Yeah, I love Asians. Yeah, yeah.
Love Asians.

Speaker 1 But you're a guy, too. Love.
Well, you know what's so funny? No, not as a now, like in this mindset, in my age that I'm at,

Speaker 1 they're not the most attractive to me. The most attractive has always been fucking Latinos.
I just Latinx. There's something about Latinx.
Latinas. Latinaxas.
There's something about it.

Speaker 1 Well, because they're just so fucking hot and they just are cooler than you, and they're mean. And

Speaker 1 I like all that stuff. And they can fuck you up.
I like that they can beat you up. A white girl can't beat you up.

Speaker 2 You have someone who will fight for you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they'll fight for me and they'll fight for you.

Speaker 2 I'm the Larry H.

Speaker 1 Parker of women. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I want Hilaria Baldwin.

Speaker 1 There's just something about it, huh? Yeah, there's just something about them.

Speaker 1 They're just, they're sexy, they're spicy, they're fucking...

Speaker 1 I don't know. Yeah, I think that's what it is.
They can fight for you and they will fight you physically. Yeah.
You know, and that's just, that's something that's spicy about them.

Speaker 1 I like Koreans too, though. Yeah, Koreans.
I think the next, if I ever date again, like in a permanent thing,

Speaker 1 it's going to be a full-floated.

Speaker 1 I bet you $1,000 that that won't happen. That's not true.
You're not going to date a Korean.

Speaker 2 Do you want her to not really speak English that well?

Speaker 2 Like, do you want a straight from Korea?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I don't speak Korean. She's just speaking English.
That's perfect. Oh, you don't speak Korean? No.
I can understand a couple of. When your mom and you were speaking Korean were.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can say stuff like

Speaker 1 Boji. Yes.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 You know what I said?

Speaker 1 Your pussy is scary. You're beautiful.
Your pussy is a cute scared. It's a scary pussy.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's fun. And it's probably not.

Speaker 2 It's not scary. It's not like Halloween horn.

Speaker 2 It's like a scare person.

Speaker 1 I love you. I'm sorry.
I don't look at you that way, but I love you.

Speaker 1 You take your pants off. It goes, this is Halloween.
This is Halloween. Halloween.
Halloween. Yeah.
No, that's not true. But I know like

Speaker 1 basic Korean to understand. I can't really say it that way.
I can say basic things, like, where's the bathroom? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But in terms of anything feelings-wise, that's what's why i want to date a korean from korea but but i can't i don't have to express myself but you guys don't express your feelings there's no words for that oh the new the new generation does i know but the old one where you come from doesn't well where i come from san diego what's the no no your your your parents and your parents never said like oh i'm feeling sad no what's the word for sad You don't even fucking know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's not crazy. You have no idea.
I have no idea. What is like,

Speaker 1 what's the word for excited or happy?

Speaker 1 I don't even know. Yeah, is that what I'm saying? I literally don't literally don't know.
You went your whole childhood without your parents saying those words?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I was talking to a Korean girl yesterday, and she was saying that she lives in Korea, and she was saying that gay is a thing now.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Oh, being gay over there. Ever since

Speaker 1 you couldn't, if you were gay in Korea back in the day,

Speaker 1 forget it. You're going to Japan.
I mean, they're going to ship you out.

Speaker 2 Do you think that started with Opa Gong-nom style?

Speaker 1 Why? Sigh. Is he gay? No.
Saiyan gay. Sigh gay.

Speaker 2 But I feel like that music, if you're at a club, like I would kiss, I would kiss a woman. Well,

Speaker 1 Asian pop music and stuff stuff and Asian pop culture always has a little bit of metro sexuality. It has always had a little bit of like sensiboy stuff where it's like soft, sweet, cutesy pootsy.

Speaker 1 But, right, being gay, no, no, no, no, no, to that.

Speaker 2 Could you do a tour in Korea? Like, are you playing?

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, three people would go. That's such fucking bullshit.
Can I ask you a question? You would sell out everywhere in Korea. Can I ask you a question? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is it impossible to identify specific members of BTS? I think they're, I don't, I can't. I think they're clones.
Oh, you, oh, they're made in a lab. Yeah, I think they're the same person.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, there's just no way.
Can you?

Speaker 1 I look at all of them. I go, they're the same guy.
You think the Korean government made them? And what color is that skin? Beautiful. It's so white.
Corpse white.

Speaker 1 Are they dead?

Speaker 1 What the fuck is that? They're superior. Is that what it is? Yes.
Superior white. They're superior Korean.
Are they future geishas? Why is that?

Speaker 1 What are they? They're geishas to be. Yeah.
I think they're beautiful. They're so beautiful.
See, that's bullshit. They're not beautiful.
Yes, they are.

Speaker 2 They're beautiful in a way that

Speaker 2 Channing Tatum is beautiful. Like, it's just unattainable.
Like, it's not real. It's different.

Speaker 1 It looks like AI made it. I know.
I did a movie with this Korean pop star named Henry Lau. Henry Lau.
I told you about him? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And we'd shoot scenes together, and I would just stare at his skin, but violent thoughts. Like, I want to hurt him? I want to take a razor blade and just fucking cut his skin.

Speaker 1 Well, who's the ugliest person you've ever worked with?

Speaker 1 Easy setup.

Speaker 1 In podcasting?

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't want to hurt his feelings because he's going to get me. He'll call me right now and yell at me.
We'll beep it.

Speaker 1 You will? I'm not. You know, I'll do a ventriloquist thing and you'll beep it.
Okay. Right?

Speaker 1 Right? How about you? Do it for judicial list.

Speaker 1 Do it for judicial. Who's the ugliest guy?

Speaker 1 I know another one.

Speaker 1 Did you do that one again?

Speaker 2 I didn't hear.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Here's another ugly one.

Speaker 1 Did you get that? Ventriloquism is so fucking creepy to me. Those people spend hours in their room just going like this.

Speaker 1 And here we are outside of my home. And the ones that are great, they can sing in this.
And they do it, but they do it from here. We're all talking from here.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's really good. Pretty good?

Speaker 1 You sing something

Speaker 1 with

Speaker 1 no, like the words.

Speaker 1 Your mouth is so closed when you do that. Yeah, yeah.
Wait, who's better at it, you think? Can you understand? Let me do it again. Well, do a different song.
Yeah, yeah, what song is it?

Speaker 2 But I also think the key is you can't, like, you have to do a really weird smile.

Speaker 1 It's a hard knock life

Speaker 1 for us.

Speaker 1 It's a hard knock life

Speaker 1 for us. You just look like Kanye West when he has jaw shut.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. So you tried that one.
But do you have to smile?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you.

Speaker 1 They always smile.

Speaker 1 You You do?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. It's a hard, it's a hard knock life for us.
It's a hard knock life

Speaker 1 for us.

Speaker 1 It's so creepy looking. It's so hard.
You look like a Ventronian. Like, you look like a doctor.
You try. You try.

Speaker 1 Smile? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a hard knock life. Hard.
Oh, that's so creepy.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 I have practiced in a long time.

Speaker 1 You fucking loser. You fucking loser.
I know you. You practice that.
Oh, yeah. That's amazing.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's like letters. Like instead of saying like M or something, because you have to close your lips, you use like an N, I think.

Speaker 2 So like if you were going to say like money, you would say like none of them.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh, kind of. Let's do, let's do ventriloquism, like movie quotes.
See if you can get this, right? Are you looking at eh?

Speaker 1 Oh my god. Who you looking at? Are you looking at eh?

Speaker 1 I can't tell if you're doing an accent, too. What is your accent? What? What? What? I'm not doing it.
You think I'm doing the Asian accent? Yeah. Are you looking at me?

Speaker 1 Goodfellas? Yeah. No.
What? Taxi driver. Oh,

Speaker 1 look at me.

Speaker 1 Are you looking at me? Oh, you looking at.

Speaker 1 You're looking at me. There it is.

Speaker 1 See, when you do ventriloquism, De Niro.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're looking at me.

Speaker 1 You're looking at me. I'm the only one here.

Speaker 1 I'm the only one here. You want to see a little bit of me? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He's got to get sick of that fucking shit. Who? De Niro.

Speaker 1 That's

Speaker 1 everyone that does it, you know, like every. Oh, yeah, I would never imagine, dude.
I would give you a million dollars if you met De Niro to do that in front of him. If I went up to him, I'd go,

Speaker 1 I wonder what he would do.

Speaker 1 He's probably heard from every Jerry. Christopher Walken also

Speaker 1 such a burnt impression.

Speaker 1 Try to do one. I can't do one.
Your father hit this

Speaker 1 in his head.

Speaker 2 You know what I realized?

Speaker 2 Speaking of Korean pop stars, Opagongnom style, if you try and sing that just normally, like if I try and sing the words, it sounds like I'm trying to do a Christopher Walking impression.

Speaker 1 Okay, do it.

Speaker 1 How do you know the lyrical? How do you know the lyrical? I'm a loser.

Speaker 1 You invent truliguism and then you fucking memorize fucking.

Speaker 2 Because when that song came out, I was in high school and I like spent my days trying to memorize it.

Speaker 1 Well, what does it mean? Do you know what it means?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's talking about these women in this town in Korea who are like kind of affluent.

Speaker 1 Thank God for him.

Speaker 1 Sigh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because he opened it up. I got more pussy pussy after he came out.
No. Oh, yeah, yeah.
You can tell when squid games come out, you get more pussy. Okay, let's see this.

Speaker 1 I think you're right. No, it opens it up because white people then go, oh, interesting.
You know what I mean? And you're in their thought process. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, so here's the lyrics to Opa Gagnam style.

Speaker 1 It says, a girl who is warm and humanely during the day, a classy girl who know how to enjoy the freedom of a cup of coffee, a girl whose heart gets hotter when night comes, a girl with that kind of twist.

Speaker 1 I'm a guy, a guy who is warm as a young

Speaker 1 starting today,

Speaker 1 a guy who one-shots his coffee before it even cools down, a guy whose heart bursts when night comes, that kind of guy. Beautiful, lovable.

Speaker 1 Yes, you, hey, you, yes, you, hey, you, hey, you, yes, you, beautiful, lovable. Yeah,

Speaker 1 that is, this is awful. Oh, yeah.
This is hypically. What's he doing now? He's still doing that.
He's sitting on a pile of fucking money. Yeah, but what's he doing? Bro, he made one song.

Speaker 1 One hit wonder is incredible. It's the worst life.
What do you mean, you're done? You're done. There's no expectation.
Bro, there's no. You know this.
You know this, dude. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's suppose, right, you had one special that killed it. Great.
And then that was 20 years ago. But did it make me $100 million? It made you $50 million.

Speaker 1 Great. And now you can't get a label to sign you.
You can't get another fucking.

Speaker 1 Great. You can't.
Really? I leave L.A. I don't need to live this bullshit life and fucking.
And then you're going to be on some farm and what? Yes, and be a farmer. And farm.

Speaker 1 And I feel like you always want to be relevant. You always want to be in the public eye.
You want to always reinvent yourself.

Speaker 1 Once you realize that's not your thing,

Speaker 1 once one-hit wonders go, I think this is just one. I have a friend.
I'm not going to say his name, but his group had a one-hit wonder. A massive, I'll tell you off air.
I know who it is.

Speaker 1 Massive one-hit wonder.

Speaker 1 One of the biggest songs of that era.

Speaker 1 They almost never did anything ever again. Literally, like shockingly.
They made one more album and it bombed so fucking bad.

Speaker 1 It was over. Oh my God.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He found solace at some point in the idea that it's like,

Speaker 1 I just want to make music for fun because this thing is a machine and it's just, it's different than they anticipated. They didn't anticipate that song getting big.

Speaker 1 It just got big and they were like, we're going to walk away and be individual artists and musicians and now just live and play. Now they're all rich and they just play music for fun.

Speaker 1 The original reason. How rich? You're splitting it between a band? Tens of millions of dollars, dude.

Speaker 2 Musicians make so much money.

Speaker 1 You have no fucking idea.

Speaker 1 They make so much money. It's insane.
When you have one hit song, you can tour on that thing for fucking 10 years. And you're eventually going to county fairs and weird places, dude.

Speaker 1 Still a fuckload of money. They're still getting paid, dude.
Those people.

Speaker 1 And the song plays and all the fucking live shows and all the fucking merch and all the times it loops on other things and then you license it, dude.

Speaker 1 No, I'd rather do this, dude.

Speaker 1 i'd rather just stay like this where you are yeah i'm like

Speaker 2 i keep going but i'm slowly moving up if i was a musician i wouldn't care about a one hit i'd go fine this is fine because like with music you're yeah you're getting played in like grocery stores whatever like there's no comedy special you know there's no comedy hits playing

Speaker 1 comedy's bullshit we can't compare it to comedy yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 comedy's dead it's over all right i mean i i don't know comedy's dead isn't it it's dying i think we're in the last legs of it i think think there's, because I believe that, because in the 90s, there was, it died.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I believe it's cyclical, and it's about to crash.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Because

Speaker 1 all the specials that Netflix was putting out. There's a lot of funny shit out.
Yeah. And then too many people are doing podcasts now, right? I hate podcasts.
Yeah. And it's going to die.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Good thing you guys are on top of it when it goes out.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Good call.
I don't want it to die, though. It's not going to die.
I don't want bad friends at all. We like it too much.
No, it won't. We're having so much fucking fun.

Speaker 1 Do you think that eventually we'll have 10 listeners no 20.

Speaker 1 but do you think that we'll be able to make a living off of bad friends

Speaker 1 not forever what lasts forever yeah i mean if we die that's one thing but like at 60 like 10 years from now you think we'll be doing bad friends no i hope so i would hope we don't think it will no what do you think we'll be doing you think we'll be enemies yeah

Speaker 1 good then you guys will have like soccer podcasts oh we'll sue each other yeah there'll be a weird lawsuit dude that would break my heart literally you and i were like testifying against each other at a fucking trial.

Speaker 1 You would make jokes the entire time. Right.
That's all it'd be. It would be your honor, your honor, order.
We'd be ordering the court. We'd be cracking jokes the fucking whole time.

Speaker 1 That would break my heart, man. I don't ever want to do that with you.
We'll never do it.

Speaker 1 No problem. We'll never do it.
Allie, tell us a really bad, childish joke.

Speaker 1 Give us a joke like a kid would tell. You know, like the

Speaker 1 why did the chicken cross the road type of thing.

Speaker 2 Do you know what that joke is about? Suicide. Yeah, I just found out.
How?

Speaker 1 Why did the chicken cross the the road? To get to the other side. The other side of what? The street.
No, the other side. You know the phrase, I'll see you on the other side?

Speaker 1 Do you know what that means? Heaven. Yeah, I'll see you in the afterlife.

Speaker 2 And if a chicken is crossing the road, it's going to get ran over and no one's stopping for a chicken.

Speaker 1 It's not about getting to the other side of the street. It's about getting the other side of life.

Speaker 1 The suicidal chicken. Chickens don't go to heaven.
Well, they don't anymore.

Speaker 2 Oh, you know what joke I hate? It's not really a joke, but it's like a setup. Who has two thumbs and is going to get fucked up tonight?

Speaker 1 This guy. This guy.
That guy is funny, though. Wait, wait.
So let me say it. Who has two thumbs who's gonna get fucked up tonight?

Speaker 1 You have to point yourself, yeah. This guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Who has two thumbs and is probably gonna put both of them in his asshole tonight?

Speaker 1 This guy. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never heard that before.
It's a white thing. No, that's a common phrase.
No, it's a smooth. No, that's a common fraternity sorority white guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Black people have never said that. No.

Speaker 1 Yo, man. Who has two thumbs? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, do a black guy. Do a black guy.
Yo, man. Oh, there it is.
two thumbs? You like him now, Wolf?

Speaker 1 Yo, man, yo, dog.

Speaker 1 It's so bad. I don't care.
Wolf's laughing. I hate when you do.
Yeah, yo,

Speaker 1 who has two thumbs who get fucked up tonight? This guy.

Speaker 1 Black guys don't say that phrase. That's a white guy phrase.
I want to see if Asians have said it, right? Hey, guy. No.
Hey, guy.

Speaker 1 Hey, guy. Who? Hey, guys.

Speaker 1 Who have a two thumb?

Speaker 1 And you're going to get. Who and gonna get fucked up tonight?

Speaker 1 The guy. That's never been said.
No, never. That's never been said.
For some

Speaker 1 of you, an Indian, you an Indian.

Speaker 1 You an Indian.

Speaker 1 Who has two thumbs and is going to get fucked up tonight? This guy,

Speaker 1 an Indian guy does that. That works.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 there's this Indian guy who works at the corner store on my street.

Speaker 2 And my boyfriend will go in there, we'll go in and like grab an energy drink or something. And my boyfriend will be like, hey, dude, what's up? And the guy lights up.

Speaker 2 He loves what my boyfriend says, dude. And then he'll start saying, dude, but he'll say it in insane amount.
Dude.

Speaker 2 Yes, dude.

Speaker 1 But dude is such a good word.

Speaker 2 Oh, he loves it. He gets it.

Speaker 1 Anybody can do that. Do Adolf Hitler with the thumbs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, please.

Speaker 1 Who has two sums and is going to get annihilated this evening? Siska.

Speaker 1 He's annihilated. I can see that.
I can see that. Hitler said that.
That's really good. Everyone's eyeing it.
That's why people liked him so much. Yeah, he was lovable, that guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He wasn't as bad as people say.

Speaker 2 Did you guys see the Marjorie Taylor Greene American Idol audition?

Speaker 1 Is that real?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Do you know who this is, Marjorie Taylor Green? I know her. I hate her.

Speaker 1 Okay, so apparently there's a clip of her on the internet. She's stage now.
Will you show that, Wolf? There's apparently a clip of her on the internet

Speaker 1 that... There's no way it's her.
Well, there's a question if it is.

Speaker 1 It really looks like her. It looks exactly like her.

Speaker 2 And it wouldn't surprise me.

Speaker 1 But they don't have footage of it, do they? Yeah, there's footage.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's there's a video.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Oh, so it's confirmed. There's no way it's her.

Speaker 2 Well, it's not confirmed, but there's a video of her auditioning.

Speaker 1 What does she sing?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I think that's fucking incredible if she did do American Idol.

Speaker 2 Because everyone's making the comparison, like, you know, failed artist.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's also true. Yeah.
Hitler didn't, Hitler didn't, Hitler didn't even fail. He never got into the art school.
They didn't even let him in the school.

Speaker 1 His submission got denied, right? Like, he painted to get in. You had to, like, do something to get in, and his didn't even get in.

Speaker 2 So, it's also funny that, like, that's normally the story of someone who's about to be super successful in art. They're like, I never got into the art school, so I just did it on my own.

Speaker 2 And he's like, I'm just going to completely abandon the art.

Speaker 1 It is kind of funny that

Speaker 1 for some reason, everyone that has like chaotic political

Speaker 1 prowess, they all love doing art stuff. Like, Clinton loves making art.
Bush loves making it. He loves that.
Yeah, I love it.

Speaker 2 I love his Instagram. Huh?

Speaker 2 George Bush's Instagram. Yeah, dude.
Such a fun follow.

Speaker 1 He loves that shit.

Speaker 2 Someone got mad at me. They're like, why are you following George Bush? I'm like, it's Instagram.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but this is the problem with Instagram and stuff. Nowadays, like I just saw someone last night.
I looked up a guy.

Speaker 1 Whatever, but I looked up a dude and I noticed he follows nobody. That's a thing now.
People just follow nobody now.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I get it a little bit because also sometimes you feel obligated to follow someone. You know, when you follow someone and you're like, I just

Speaker 1 have to follow them, but I don't know if I really want to see them in my feed. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you have to mute them i mute them all right and it's weird it's so funny how i hated that dude for so many years george bush yeah and now i kind of like him i know he's become like because you know what can be worse he's just like yeah and he's just like so old now what do you mean he can be worse what do you mean no because you thought you know what's oh right yeah yeah because when george bush was like this guy started a war with iraq for no reason this and that whatever whatever you're like it can't get worse he's a pizza there's no this is the worst human being and then you saw here comes Joe Biden Joe Biden

Speaker 1 and then you're like oh Bush can't get worse than this yeah are you what are you doing are you on tour after you go leave with us you go to Albany to do shows and then what I'm doing a show in Albany yeah and then I'm doing a little bit of a tour well you're doing Albany where else well so I'm doing Albany with St.

Speaker 2 Vincent I'm opening her

Speaker 1 I love them she's like best friend do you oh yeah the great music yeah yeah she's really close with them no yeah she's been going on she you've done shows with them before yeah yeah yeah and so you you do stand-up in the show.

Speaker 2 I do stand-up. I cold open the shows.

Speaker 1 Was it hard? It's a little bit hard. Seems hard.

Speaker 2 But her audiences are like really nice and cool and young and supportive.

Speaker 1 Yeah. How many seats is it?

Speaker 2 We're doing like theaters.

Speaker 1 Like thousands. Thousands.
Yeah. That's amazing.
They're an amazing band. Yeah, it's fun.
She's amazing. I mean, and then

Speaker 1 are you doing clubs after that or no? Yes.

Speaker 2 Then I have two more shows with her in Vegas and Arizona, and then I'm doing my own headlining weekends.

Speaker 1 Go to alliemakofsky.com.

Speaker 2 Yeah, alliemakovsky.com.

Speaker 1 Go get those fucking tickets and go see our girl. All right, well, listen.
That was a great episode. It was a really fun.
Do me a favor: look in your camera and say,

Speaker 1 Thanks for being a bad friend. Number two.
Number two. Sorry.

Speaker 2 You see it? I don't even see number two. Oh, it's actually

Speaker 1 hidden in the house. Oh.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Thanks for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Was that it? Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Thank you for

Speaker 1 being a bad friend. That's good.
I gotta figure out.

Speaker 2 Being is hard.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a head friend. Thank you.
Try to ventriloquism one, Bob, real fast. Thank you for being a head friend.
Very good. That was pretty good.
That was really good. Okay.
Thank you.