Bobby's Midlife Crisis & The Ponzu Gang

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Hey, bad friends. Hey, I've only got a couple of dates left before I film my special.
Go watch my friend, Andrew. Please come watch me.
Tomorrow, I'm in Brea, Brea, California, tomorrow night on the 13th. And then this weekend, 16th, I'm in Minneapolis.
The 17th, I'm in Madison, Wisconsin. Come see me.
Then on the 24th, I'm in Denver, Colorado, filming my special. AndrewSantino.com is where you're going to get those tickets.
Please come out and see your boy. AndrewSantino.com.
Come see me. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.

Calm down.

Let's do a breathing exercise, dude.

No, no, no.

Let me start off by saying this.

No breathing exercise?

No.

Let me start off by saying this.

Welcome back, Fancy B, kind of.

Yeah, yeah, kind of.

Yeah, because you know what?

He comes in.

Welcome back, actually, Juicy.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, Juice.

Great to see you.

Welcome back, Carlos.

Great to see you.

Fancy B, you come back, and the first thing out of his mouth is, you need to have better taste in scripts. I know.
Exactly. And we read your Turtle Island script, dude.
That's a piece of shit. Don't get me started.
Fancy's, of course, commenting about the movie Me Time I did on Netflix with Kevin Hart and he hated it. Didn't you hate it? Go ahead and say it, Fancy.
You're allowed to say what you want on this show. You're good in it.
Let me tell you something. I'm watching it.
The critics will tell you how good it is. Go ahead and show what we got on Rotten Tomatoes.
Go ahead. It made me feel good about my own movie.
Look at how good that is. What did the critics say? 7%? Yeah.
That's a fucking... Bro, you couldn't even beat Easter Sunday.
Wait a minute. Is that bad or good? 7%? It's bad.
It's bad. I thought that meant 93% of people loved it.
No, no, no. It's got a green sludge on it.
I don't think that's good. Tomato's good.
Like a tomato is good. 45% Easter Sunday.
Can I say something? Yeah. This scale makes no sense because a tomato is what you used to throw at actors when you hated performance.
Live performance, they throw tomatoes at plays. But meanwhile, sludge, gook, gack, loved it.
I grew up with Nickelodeon. I love getting gacked and gooped.
No, but the sludge is the thrown tomato. Then it would be fucking red.
Why is it green? Tomatoes aren't fucking green. The insides are sometimes green.
Am I not right, my Spanish friend? Yeah, totally right.

Thank you.

Even green tomatoes on the outside are still red on the inside.

Oh, and the audience score...

Oh, that's not...

This is Andres' movie.

Oh, this is Andres' movie.

55%.

So you beat Easter Sunday and Me Time.

Yes.

Yeah, but mine has Kevin Hart in it and Mark Wahlberg.

Yeah.

And Regina Hall.

And yours has who?

Who's in yours? Eric Dane. I love Dane Gives a shit I do I do too I like Eric Dane Yeah he's great Can I just say something about Eric Dane? Let me say something about Eric Dane I'm aware that Me Time didn't do well Two years ago It's not my movie Two years ago when I was sick Right? Can I tell you about Maybe Kevin Hart's worst movie yet Says Nick says Nick Schlaeger.
Wait until Borderlands comes out. Oh, he's in that too.
He's in my movie. First of all, that's not going to come out.
I don't think it is either, right? No, because I know more than you do. You know I know more than you do.
No, is it not coming out? Welcome back, Juice. Good back.
I liked Me Time. Did you really? I thought it was great.
I watched it. She says that as she's wearing the enemies.
A Scissors Brothers t-shirt. Exactly.
I couldn't even have it. One of the worst podcasts online right now.
It's a cool shirt. They gave it to me for free.
Dude, we give you so much more than they give you. We give you so much life.
We give you life. We've lifted your career.
You're coming to SLC with me. We give you merch.
And then you wear their trash. By the way, that Heather Gray standard issue that they got, trash.
Yeah. Cheapest thing you can buy.
I thought you guys liked those guys. Well, he's my brother.
Yeah, that's true. He's your brother.
What, Jeremiah's your brother? No, the other one. He's my brother.
The Chinese guy. He's Korean.
Yeah, he's my brother. Is he really Korean? Yeah, he's my only brother, and I love him.
He's blood brother to Bobby. He's blood brother to me.
Wait a minute, the tiny little... The little gook.
This one. The tiny little guy.
He's Korean. Yeah, he's my brother.
Is he really Korean? Yeah, he's my only brother and I love him. He's blood brother to Bobby.
He's blood brother to me.

Wait a minute, the tiny little...

The little gook.

This one.

The tiny little gook.

He's your little brother.

He's my little brother.

Son of a gun.

Yeah, yeah.

So say something nice.

Whoa.

Can I say something?

I'm being genuine when I ask this.

Yeah, yeah.

Look at me.

Huh?

He's not Chinese.

He's not nice.

He looks Chinese.

I know, but he's absolutely not Chinese. You 100% look Korean.
Oh, thank you. He absolutely looks Chinese.
Yeah, but he's not. I don't bring him a picture of Stevie Weeby because I feel like he looks Chinese.
Yeah, there he is. That kid is Chinese on the right.
Yeah, that's me. There's no doubt in my mind.
We need a test. Yeah.
Yeah. Look at that that if you saw him on the street go who's that

little chinese kid yeah i love him so much we love stevie over here like he looks like a chinese guy that sells pineapples in the black market right 100 yeah yeah can i tell you that a few episodes she chinese too yeah is that your asian accent no why are you doing this I don't know why.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm turning Japanese.

Yeah, yeah.

Whoa. too.
Yeah. Is that your Asian accent? No.
Why are you doing this? I don't know why.

I'm turning Japanese.

Whoa.

A few episodes ago I wore a Scissor Brothers

shirt. A different color one.

And we didn't notice. I don't know if you noticed

but I didn't. No we would have said something.
You noticed today.

Yeah we would have said something.

It's fine. We're lucky to have you.

Wait so can I have this shirt then? Yeah dude. Yeah that's what we gave it to you dude.
Yeah that's actually a sick something. It's fine.
We're lucky to have you. Wait, so can I have this shirt then?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, that's what we gave it to you, dude.

Yeah, that's actually a set shirt.

Is this new?

No, we get, we, no.

I will say the material is much better than this shirt.

Yeah, we're higher class.

It has like a weight to it.

Yeah.

No, that is, go change into that.

Right now?

Yeah, go change into that.

All right.

Please.

Don't you think? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me time, congratulations on that.
Right, Daryl? Yeah, go change into that. All right.
Please. Don't you think?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Me time, congratulations on that.

Congratulations.

It's number one on Netflix.

It's number one on Netflix.

And also, I would drive around town.

Yeah.

In every corner, there's a me time fucking thing.

Yeah.

And I say to myself, one of my best friends is in that movie.

And it's really cool.

Not one.

I am your best friend.

Think about it.

You're close.

Think about it.

I have a couple.

Theo.

No.

Not as close.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

He's not.

But he's close.

And Kalilah's not anymore.

She is still.

Nope.

We watched movies together last night.

I'd watch a movie with you last night.

That's true.

Speaking of which, I went over and did Trash Tuesday.

They said you killed it. I had so much fun, dude trash tuesday they said you killed it i had so much fun dude honestly they said you killed it so much fun and and i do want to approach this with you and i want to make sure that you're not uncomfortable about it uh-oh was there a little sexual tension in the room there was and you know who was between who kalilah and carlos what the hell? I guess I felt not bro,

bro.

I have felt that for years.

I have to say this too,

right?

I think that you're the reason why we're not together.

I really do.

And let me say something to you again.

All right,

go for it.

Because if you want to start a war with me,

I will go to war with you.

And let me say something right now,

dude.

I have more minions. I have more people behind me and and I will fucking bury you.
You bald-headed fuck. Bobby, there's been no sexual attraction between me and Lila.
I see you in the videos, dude. You ham up.
You ham it up, bro. I'm just at work.
I'm trying to do a good job. I know, but I've seen you on stage.
You don't ham it up. Whoa.
Back in the day. No, listen.
That was a shot. He could do it.
I'm not shotting. I'm not shotting right now, dude.
Right? Back in the day, dude, you could have hammed it up because I see you hammed it up with Kalilah. It's not just Kalilah.
It's everyone. It's fans.
Is it because you know you have a bigger dick than me? I mean, I do know that, but that's not the reason. How do you know that for a fact? Because I've seen your dick.
That's true. Yeah.
Yeah dick that's true yeah yeah that's true facts no what i was i didn't mean for this to get out of hand yeah i'm sorry carlos i apologize too he had sex with her on the show did you fuck her no i didn't have did you lay on top of her with your clothes on yes so you laid on top of my ex-girlfriend with clothes on and they fucked on camera paulie laid on laid on top of Juicy three weeks ago. Not like that.
Not like that. I saw that.
Oh, you saw it? You know what I get to do? You know what I get to do? You know what I get to do? My ex-wife's already... I get to lay on your mom.
Coral? Yeah. You gotta bring her on the show.
Bring her on the show, have her lay down, and I'm gonna grind on her for a minute. My dad will be so mad.
That's fine, and I will not... Wait a minute, your dad what? He'll be mad at me for letting it happen.
He's got to be there. Oh, he's going to be there.
He's got to be here. And he's going to be jerking off in the corner.
That's so like cuckish. It's only fair.
It's only fair. It's only fair.
Thank you. Juice, juice.
Thank you. Yeah, you're the best juice.
Your dad's got to come and pull a Louis to watch Bobby. Yeah.
And he's got to fast tap. Is your mom still alive? Oh, yeah.
Yes. She's in her 50s.
I don't want to hurt her dad. hurt that that'd be weird no that'd be so strange um yeah no it was it was all in good fun in fact to be honest Carlos he didn't want to do it Kalilah was saying that horny horny Filipino girl she said let me show you guys how this sexual position is enacted because Esther has no idea I don't know if Esther ever lived I't think esther i feel like she just appeared because she hasn't she almost has no she almost knows almost nothing she doesn't know anything about anything i don't even know how she exists really her husband david yeah he keeps her alive yeah he's the best and i told her how bad i can't wait till she gets fat i cannot wait to see esther fat she's gonna lose it all at some point yeah just become a little fucking bl fucking blimp.
Remember Violet from Willy Wonka? Oh, yeah. The blueberry.
Blueberry, yeah. Violet, Violet.
And I want her to roll around the comedy store like that. Yeah.
Just want to roll her around. Like, if you asked Esther, like, just tell me anything about the Vietnam War, she would have no idea.
No chance. Yeah.
There's literally no chance. Let me ask you.
Tell me a little bit about the Vietnam War.

What do you know about it?

Well, I know our troops were not welcomed back.

That's perfect.

And that's one more thing more than astronauts.

Okay.

She doesn't even know that.

I know about Agent Orange.

That's two things.

Now, what was Agent Orange?

I believe Agent Orange was where we dusted crops.

It's a chemical.

A chemical.

And it was pretty fucked up.

Look at this.

Look at that photo.

Go to the right.

Look at that boy on the right.

Look what it did to him.

No.

Really?

That's not real.

He was born that way, dude.

Dude, look.

Look, it says Agent Orange.

It's an herbicide mixture by the U.S. military.
Can you zoom in a little boy boy's head? I'm sorry I laughed. Why are you laughing? You're making me laugh.
It doesn't look real. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me see. Wow.
This poor kid, this is from Agent Orange. So Tony Hinchcliffe has Agent Orange.
Is that what it is? I just realized. Tony Hinchcliffe has it.
He came from that. He came from that.
Wow. Look at his face.
Agent Orange, dude. Same kid.
Yeah, he snorted it. He grew into it.
Look at that. Look at that face.
And he gets women. Agent Orange is also your FBI name, I feel like.
Agent Orange. Am I Agent Yellow? If you want to be.
No, who am I? Agent what? Agent Gong. Agent Gong.
Agent Gong, because Gong is quick. Agent Gong, we need you now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gong in 60 seconds.
Juicy. Gong in 60 seconds.
That's a really good movie name. Write that down.
Gong Girl. Yeah.
Gong Girl. Gong with the wind.
Yes. Yes.
We have three remakes we're doing, right? Come on. Why won't a studio pick this up? Yeah.
Any more going once is going once. Yeah.
That's it. That's it.
Gong. It's gong.
It's off the shelves. Yeah.
Going, going, g going gong that honestly an autobiography called going going gong about the departure of bobby lee like when you finally retire yeah going going gong would be so fucking funny you're not gonna retire oh yes he is soon soon we already we had we talked about it i think i have 15 more years at least no way way longer or less? Way less. What? What? So you think at 60 I'm gonna go I'm out?

When this pod's over

you're more years. At least.
No way. Way longer or less? Way less.
What?

So you think at 60

I'm gonna go, I'm out? When this pod's over, you're

done for, baby.

No, no, no. You're gonna last as long as you want to last.

Well, then say that.

I think you'll work for, you're 51?

50.

You're 51 soon.

Yeah. You'll be

in the business for 30 more years. Well, you know, George Burns did the road until he was 92.
Yeah, but he was different, dude. What do you mean? When he was different.
He's white, yeah. Yeah, but he's just super talented.
Whoa. Yeah.
I mean, like an iconic genius. But he did the road at 92.
That's so incredible. And apparently he didn't change his act for 20 years.
Same with me. Same with me.
And then also, but he would like do little whittles. Riddles? Whittle.
He would whittle little things into it. Sorry? Tonight I'm gonna.
I don't know how that would sound like George. What are you trying to say? Whittle? He would interject little things? Yeah.
What's whittling? Whittling is wood. wood it he would whittle wood in he would whittle wood wood in the bits ah how old was he when he died george burns 100 no way i think so i'm just guessing he died at i think 96 i say 100 100 years old how'd you know that i'm a'd you know that? I'm a big George Burns fan.

I'm a big George Burns fan.

How about Burgess Meredith?

Do you guys remember who that is?

Do you know who that is, Juice?

No, I'm not going to lie.

I'm not familiar with George Burns.

Oh, that's sad.

You don't know who he is?

I'm going to know tonight.

I'll look him up.

How old was Burgess when he died?

1907, he was born.

When did he die?

It says it right there.

89.

Young.

Pretty young. This guy was the fucking man.
You know who this is is don't you guys know who that is grumpy old man how about red skeleton red skeleton skeleton or skeleton i think it's skeleton i think it's skeleton red skeleton yeah it's h-e-a it's skeleton it's not skeleton oh i always say call them red. 84 years old.
He was another famous comedian. Famous.
You don't know who that is, right? No, it's like Comedy 101. I don't know these guys.
It was actually 202. It's Comedy 202.
You missed freshman year. Do you know Flip Wilson? No.
I know that name for sure, but I don't know Flip Wilson. That's probably a name you've heard around the comedy store before.
Yeah, for sure. These are all people that did it before us.
See though died look at that malibu i want to i want to die somewhere dope this is the fear i have how old was he 80 64 young guy oh my god young yeah oh look at that his first wife lavinia patricia peaches wilson dean peaches i want a wife named peaches and then cookie m McKenzie He had two wives with nicknames Oh wow

Why can't whites have nicknames?

I know

I have two

That's true

You do

At least

Why can't we have a sweet cool nickname like that?

Yeah

I don't know

I don't know an Asian woman with a nickname

That's not true

Who?

Like Ali Wong is Ali Wong

Isn't Kalilah's mom have a nickname?

Or the aunt?

What do they call her?

Rudy's mom is

What's her name?

Honey

Yeah that's a nickname

That's her name

Thank you. like Ali Wong is Ali Wong isn't Kalilah's mom have a nickname or the aunt what do they call her Rudy's mom is what's her name honey yeah that's a nickname that's her name her real name is honey yeah these people are so fucking weird yeah Filipinos have the worst names do they yeah there's a I met a guy named battery whoa yeah was he a double A or triple A no? I think, no, his name was Lithium Battery.
No. I sort, that's, they named their kids crazy shit.
Was his kid Duracell? That wouldn't be shocking to me. They do stuff like U2.
They name a boy U2? Like U2, like the band. I like the music, so.
Yeah, but I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you remind your family who you really love. You name your kid Anything Anything but we choose not to Well because you don't want to ruin Because you know how hard it is For them to have a shitty name Yeah Statue Never met a guy named Statue See if there's a guy named Statue On this earth Yeah yeah That's kind of a cool name Yeah He called him Stat Statty Stat dog Cup Chew Is there a man named Frederick Augustine? No.
Yeah, there's no one named Statue. Well, then let's name your child Statue when it comes out.
Yeah, I will. Anything.
There's so many things. There's so many things I just don't even know.
You know what I mean? Gong. Water.
Wow. That's tough.
Well, I met the Drinkwater family.

Drinkwater? The natives.

The natives.

So there's a clan of natives.

Their last name is...

Clan's probably not the word.

Tribe.

There it is.

There we go.

Called Drinkwater.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Well, they could be clans.

No.

I think that's pretty reserved for one group of people.

Skattish people?

Vikings?

Clans?

Yeah.

What's Skattish people? Yes. Are you...
Is that Skattish? Sk group of people. Scattish people? Vikings? Clans? Scattish?

What's Scattish people?

Yes.

Scattish.

Scottish people. Scaddoobadoob.

Scat it.

Yeah, but they all have Scottish accents.

Scabida boba.

What is a clan?

Read me the fucking definition of a clan.

A clan is a group of people united by an actual...

Wait, no, that's too...

A group of close-knit and interrelated families,

especially associated with families in the Scottish Highlands. So I said Scottish said Scottish, right? Did I not say Scottish? You said Scottish Yeah, but you know what I meant Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah But still, though So it's clans or whites? Clans or whites? Yeah, yeah, yeah Supremacists, usually Tribes are usually Tribe would usually be natives Indigenous people Indigenous people Even.
There you go. What's a group? What's a group of Asians? Yeah.
Dim sums. No.
Yeah, yeah. Ponzus.
No, no, no. Look at all the ponzus over there.
That sounds right. The ponzus.
A noodle of Asians. A noodle.
No, because a noodle is one thing. Noodles is singular.
Like a ramen of Asians. A ramen of Asians.
A ramen, yeah. I could see the ponzu group.
There's got to be a ponzu gang. There's no doubt in my mind.
Noodle gang doesn't sound scary. Nope, it sounds awesome.
Yeah, yeah. I want to hang out with them.
Wasabi. Who will bite you? Wasabi clan.
Wasabi got a little sting. You like that? Is it scary? Yo, we're the was No see go to Ponzu We're the Ponzu Sounds so cool So much more scary The Ponzu gang sounds fucking scary Yeah They'll fuck you up Yeah The Ponzu gang is tough How about the sneaky chopstick? That's one of the guy's names Oh sneaky chopstick? Yeah he's in the group Is there a gang, dude? Yeah.
I can't really find anything.

There's an-

List of Asian gangs.

Maybe Google that.

List of Asian gangs.

He's given you attitude

ever since you boned his ex-girlfriend.

Yeah, yeah.

Whoa.

Whoa, dude.

Chung Ching Yee.

That's pretty on the point.

Fullerton Boys?

Out in fucking Fullerton, California?

That's cool, dude.

The Kang-Pee, Korean.

Gang-Pei.

Snakehead. Gang-Pei.
Snakehead. Gang-Pei.
Tong. Chinese.
Bing-Kong-Tong. Whoa, that's racist.
I'm reading it. Oh, that's all right.
My bad. Ha-Sing-Tong.
The Waki is tight. Waki, Chinese and Malaysian.
And of course, we know the Yakuza. Bamboo Union.
Oh, that's real. That's real.
No, Bamboo Union. It sounds like a breakdancing crew.
Yeah, the Fullerton Boys. Why is the Yakuza so strong? We all know their name.
You know the Yakuza. They're so big.
They're so big. I think it's because of the style.
Yeah, because they're really cool. Suits, tattoos to the wrists, missing finger.
They all have one missing finger? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, like this this one Why the ring finger? I think it's either It's to dedicate yourself to the Like you're married to the game? I think so yeah Oh that's kind of tight These are the Fullerton boys Oh let me see the Fullerton boys Don't look Asian Yeah they look Mexican You guys sound so disappointed Yeah so disappointed Well we just Well those are Asian boys That's just a poster in Bobby's room Yeah That's one class at UCLA Wait show me the Yakuza Let me see images of the Yakuza Cause you know they're Yeah Yeah see that That guy's 90 I thought he was wearing a shirt Dude look at look at that guy.
Wait, I feel like I know this guy.

I'm serious.

You saw him at open mic night or something?

No, he's...

Okay, zoom in on that photo, dude.

Can you zoom in?

Yeah.

The guy to the far left.

He doesn't belong.

Why?

Look at the guy to the far left.

Yep.

I see it. What's wrong with him? He's notian oh he could be half asian no zoom in i thought you meant his tattoo is different look at his face dude look at his face bro that's why they're all looking at him like who the fuck is that guy but does he look asian to you yes no he's not there's no way no he's like italian's just badass.
Dude, we better be careful. These guys are going to fucking kill us.
Look at the girl. She would fucking kill us.
She would fuck you up. That's not your mom.
But it looks a little bit like your mom. A little like my mom.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got like Chinese stars in there and everything.
Yeah. You got to be careful, dude.
These guys are going to kill us. You know that they're going to come fuck with us.
Hey, we're pro Yakuza. We love you guys.
We love it. Fullerton boys, we love you guys.
The Bamboo Crew. Love you boys.
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the coupon code bad friend to enter that's ridge.com slash bad friends they're probably arresting this guy because they caught him for 50 years yakuza boss oh he was sentenced to hanging whoa they hung him how long ago was that uh last year whoa they hung the yakuza guy last year wow they still do hangings

in where was that

in Japan

dude Japan is so cool. Why, the hangings are cool? Well, I mean, it's like, yeah, kinda.
It is pretty cool. I mean, it's like, that's a way to punish people, I guess.
You know? Because it's legit. Would you, like back in the day, you know, the villagers used to come out and witness it.
Like it was like a Sunday football game. I know exactly what I would do.
Where would you go? I would starve myself before the hanging, and I would make sure that my pants barely fit. So the moment I dropped in the rope pit, my penis would come out.
My pants would fall down. Oh, you mean if you were hung? Yeah.
So I'd get one last laugh. Yeah.
So then I'd be like, my dick would be out at everyone. That's a pretty good one.
And I'd laugh my way out. I would be concerned about what my face was doing when I died.
Would you focus on what your face would look like? No, because you can't. I can't.
That's why I'm doing the dick thing. No, I would do this.
The things are on my neck, and I'd go like this. To freeze like that.
To freeze, and hopefully when it hangs, it hangs like that. Or, you know what would be really sick? yeah same thing with my loose pants starve myself loose pants one little string nobody wants to see your dick dude no dude I'm gonna tuck it in my ass I'm gonna tuck it in my ass no one wants to see that that way when it hangs my angina and then as I let go all my muscles it comes right out right people are gonna die laughing I'm gonna go out with a fucking laugh dude yeah even if if you saw the dick out of my butt and come for you'd be like even if you and I right went to see his hanging we'd be sad right no no we at first we would be like oh my god we're gonna see Andrew hung today right and then you would hang and we would look up and go right I like it it would be fun I would I like it would be fun yeah yeah thank you for the laugh and you go that's my boy that's my boy right there yeah little dick little dick over yeah yeah yeah we would know it's coming now so as we're waiting everyone's crying we probably i'd be like just wait for it oh you would you think that we would know that you i would tell you guys now we know oh i would sell it out you would oh yeah like a bringer room you promote out.
You would? Oh, yeah, like a bringer room. You promote my hanging?

Oh, yeah.

Dude, how happy would you be?

You're going to get a huge laugh.

And I'm inviting CAA.

I'm bringing agents, publicists.

Oh, yeah, the Hollywood Reporter.

By the way, this is a great sketch.

You guys coming to my hanging?

Yeah.

They're like, well, let's see if we can be there.

The agents for sure show up late.

They're like, he's already hung.

We had a dinner.

I know, right?

We had a dinner.

We couldn't make it.

How was it, though? Yeah, was it good? Did he do well?

He crushed? Alright, good shit.

He crushed his neck. But what's that one called?

Is it the one with the guillotine?

Guillotine. Guillotine.

Is that the one where the thing comes down?

Yes, the big, it would chop your head off.

Yeah, yeah, that, no. Well, I've heard after the head gets chopped off,

they've reported that the

person's head will say something.

Or it'll still move for a second. Yeah, like it's still

I'm going to go. Yeah, yeah.
That, no. Well, I've heard after the head gets chopped off, they've reported that the person's head will say something.

Or it'll still move for a second.

Yeah, like it's still alive after it's the touch. Wait a minute.

It'll say something?

I've heard it.

Like what?

I don't know.

Ow?

Like what does it say?

What does it say?

That's an opportunity for a joke too.

Yeah, you're right.

I didn't do it.

Yeah.

I didn't do it?

Yeah.

Or right as your head gets chopped off in a guillotine and it rolls what I would say chopped off roll ta da ta da would be good ta da what would you do I'd say the treasure is buried oh that's such a good one and they'd be like where so they're panicking And they try to put your head back on. Come on, come on.
Yeah. What would I say if it fell? Yeah, I don't know.
If I was decapitated and my head fell off and it rolled around for a second and they came up to me, my last words would be, I was going to say something awful and I just held my time. I know what it was.
Go ahead. What you were going to say.
What? I can't say it. Yeah, I know.
I can't either. I know, it's bad.
Yeah. Imagine, this was appointment viewing before we had TGIF.
Before it was like Friday night sitcom night. This was people getting together in town.
They're like, they dressed up. They're like, what time are you going to be there? This is what was gross about it.
It was. It was like for fun.
They were, it was, this was the jam. I don't think I would go.
I'd be that one guy like, have you ever been? I got, nah, I've passed on every time. I have such good tickets.
You have to come with. I can't.
You have box seats? Box? Dude, I'm on the floor. You're on the floor? And we can go VIP.
We can go backstage. Really? You can touch the knife.
Because my grandfather has like the nosebleed seats. Yeah, we can never see anything.
You can't see shit from up there. Or I on the floor and then i show up and it's gonna be like a gallagher show like you're gonna be like watermelon but blood somebody's selling one of those they sell those those smocks they're like this is a splashdown you guys will get hit with blood right i'm gonna be seating yeah you'll be working the door yeah juicy is working the door she's selling booths at the fucking at the guillotine she's like look if you want to be seating.
Yeah, you'll be working the door. Yeah.
Juicy is working the door. She's selling booths at the fucking, at the guillotine.
She's like, look, if you want to be closer, it's a hundred bucks. I don't know what you want to say.
Maybe it's like a baseball game when they catch the head, they get excited. Like, I got it.
I got it. Some kid.
Now give it to a kid. Give it to a kid.
You can't keep it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, that's so funny. Like, that, like, Live Nation presents The Hanging.

Oh, yeah.

One of these promoters, these massive promotion companies.

What if you don't sell out, though?

How sad.

How sad.

Yeah.

Ticketmaster is like, look, dude, this event did not do well.

Well, you're there, right?

And you're about to do it, and you see the numbers, and there's like three guys there.

Your agent comes up to you right before they kill you, and he's like, listen, dude, looks good right it looks more full than it is for sure but it it no one's gonna it's great this is a market we're building on yeah but you're sitting there right and i i hear somebody going i thought this was ronnie cheng's fucking hand right you're like i can't even yeah that's that's what we sell it as someone else yeah and they're like this is not Bill Burr this is not his guillotine we're getting out of here yeah yeah yeah oh that'd be terrible go sell selling tickets to a fucking a local you know what they also used to do though that's insane too like burning witch burning and shit they would just burn people in the town square town square was like the spot it was a spot that's where you used to get fucking murked up. The witch burning shit was wild.
They would just find a chick that said no to her husband. They were like, light her on fire.
It was nuts, dude. It was like a woman being like, I don't want to do that.
And they're like, she's a witch. Light her on fire.
Well, they'd be like, if she is a witch, she'll get out of this fire. Right.
And we'll know. But if she's not a witch...

We fucked up.

Oh, well, one down.

Whatever.

You win some, you lose some.

You know?

But let me just say something.

It's insane.

If the witch was super hot,

would you be like...

They wouldn't burn her.

You don't think they would?

This is the thing.

Our society's been obsessed with looks

since the beginning of time.

We reward good-looking people. So even if they're bad, we're not going to punish them.
Right. They're too hot.
If Brad Pitt fucking did something atrocious, we'd all be like, I don't know. Did he really? And they'd be like, we have proof.
And then we'd be like, I don't know. Yeah.
It's Brad. That sucks, man.
Yeah. He's too hot.
Do you think you would be burned? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'd be burned.

Make no mistake.

Yeah.

Everyone in this room is getting burned.

I don't think you.

I'm getting burned.

No, fuck you.

I'm getting burned.

I've met girls since I've been single.

Huh?

What did you say?

He's getting burned.

Dude, you're walking on fucking thin ice, dude.

Thin ice, dude.

Yeah.

It's nuts.

You came back here from Spain With a fucking attitude

Yeah

I'm sick of it dude

Listen here Elote boy

You need to cut it the fuck out

Look at that

The Elote shit

Got both of these guys

What did you do in Spain

Put the mic near your mouth Rudy

What was your family

Is your family good

Yeah

My family was good

And you spent time with them

Yeah

What was one thing

That you did with them

I went on a Euro trip

You toured Europe

Yes

Fuck man

You are so boring

Thank you. Yeah.
What was one thing that you did with them? I went on a Euro trip. You toured Europe?

Yes.

Fuck, man.

You are so boring.

So boring.

It's nuts.

What did you do?

I miss you a lot.

I was like every day.

I was like, what are they doing now?

They're probably shooting bad friends.

Did you miss us?

Oh, yeah.

He didn't miss us at all.

He didn't?

I thought he was serious.

No, he's not.

He's being facetious.

It's annoying.

We're going to the Philippines next month together.

Yeah. For how long? For a week.
Yeah. I can't wait.
What are you guys doing there? So exciting. I'm doing my talent show.
We're doing Bobby's talent show. Oh, right.
Oh, that's right. This is The Voice? Yeah.
Yeah, I do my talent show there. Are you making money on this? No.
I'd like to do my talent show. Probably losing money.
I think I've already lost 20 grand, right?

Yes.

You're paying 20 grand

to go to the Philippines

to do my own talent show.

But why?

I'm filming it.

Right, to just put it

on the internet?

No.

Netflix?

I want to pitch it as a show.

Oh, what's it called?

Bobby Lee's Talent Show.

That's cool.

Bobby Lee's Talent Distrabaganza. I'm going to wear a monocle, right? Did you get it? Yes.
And a cane. Okay.
No, because I want to be like that guy from Jurassic Park, the very first one. I was thinking about the Monopoly guy.
Something like that. Richard Attenborough.
Yeah, Richard Attenborough. I'm going to come up and put, can I have a limp? Right? I want to welcome to my talent show.
Oh, do you have an accent the whole time? Yeah, yeah. Wow.
Yeah, bonjour. I don't know.
Oh, you're French. Yeah, yeah.
You're not going to know any difference. They're Filipinos, right? You're ready for the time of your life, right? Right? There's going to be dancing and stuff like that, and then I'm going to film a talent show.
Because the last time I did it was the greatest night of my life. Of your life? Oh, my God.
It was the best. I thought someone was gonna die it was amazing this is a

midlife crisis we're you know going back yeah I'm going through midlife you know are you really I'm going through a crisis yeah you think so oh yeah I think you feel good no good no I feel lost what I feel lost when did this start I can take a guess yeah could last three or four months I've kind of lost.

That's exactly when we started working together.

Exactly. I can take a guess.
Yeah. The last three or four months I've been kind of lost.
That's exactly when we started working together. Exactly, the timing.
A midlife crisis happens anywhere from 40 to 60 years old. And I got to tell you, it affects men and women.
Now, that part I don't believe. Yeah, I think more men.
I think it's almost always a male thing. Yeah, I had a midlife crisis at 19.
Yeah, not a real not a real thing you know you know do you know what it is i've said this before on this it's a midlife assessment it means you're like reassess because what you do is it's actually a positive thing it has a negative connotation but i think it's the opposite the reason that people have a quote-unquote midlife crisis is because you've lived enough life where you can actually look back and go wow i've lived a lot of life what do i want to change in the future so i don't repeat mistakes from prior that i want to grow and be happy and like it's usually because your life is going hey it's time for a shift we have to move into a new part of our life i think it's a positive that's when you buy the new car. Yeah.
I got a new car. You did that.
Yeah. But that's not always...
It's not like you bought an obnoxious douchebag car and fucking... But for me, it was.
You know, I used to drive shit cars. Yeah, your last car was always covered in bird shit.
It was. Okay, let's talk about my last car.
What was in there? And I know from working a a lot Because I'd have to drive it And you'd pull in I don't even remember But it was like a Toyota or a Honda Or something like that Yeah yeah yeah It was just like piles of trash And dirty It was disgusting And now it's Rudy's car Yeah now Rudy has it These are the symptoms? Of a midlife crisis Oh let me see Feeling sad? Ask me the questions Don't questions. Don't look at me.
I'm looking at you. Do you feel sad? Yes.
Or do you lack confidence? I lack confidence. Both.
Especially after a big milestone accomplishment or a birthday. Like on your birthday or when something big happens, do you still feel sad or you lack confidence? Yes.
Okay. Do you feel bored often? Yes.
Do you feel like you've lost meaning or purpose in your life? Yes. Okay.
We're four for four. Do you in life yes five do you have feelings of nostalgia oh yeah do you excessively think about the past like during the day do you just constantly think about the past yeah do you make impulsive actions no but but i have impulsive thinking okay do you have feelings of regret no okay so no didn't hit hit all the targets.
Okay. So yeah.
You have to have all the symptoms for it to be real. No, you don't.
I'm a doctor. Not.
No. It's a feeling of like, it's a feeling.
I think what happened was, you know, you see people die, you know, that you know, right? Right. And then you kind of think about their age and you know what your age is and you kind of do some math and you think you're gonna die i mean bob was 65 right and i'm 50 so it's like you know bob died as a freak actually i know my point is that you still think that way no no i'm saying you're right he was healthy you should die way before i know he was a that's the thing it's like so it's like you don't know but um and you kind of go you know I want to do something different and I want to just milk these next chapter of my life what does that mean what are you gonna do how do you milk it well for instance I'm not as scared anymore of what what were you scared of I used to get get really nervous on set.
For a film or a movie? Yeah. Or I mean a TV.
And now I just don't feel that, which is cool. That's great.
I got to be honest. I feel that.
I have that too, but also a piece of me thinks it withholds me from living in the moment sometimes. Yeah, but you also think like I'm not i don't i'm not i'm not more like i used to be focused on do do they think that i'm good or do they am i doing it right or all those kind of questions and those questions are like not there anymore like i don't give a shit but it's all a no you're not doing good nobody cares yeah nobody cares i feel that way but i feel like it's a detriment i miss a little bit.
Maybe. But you should always be living like you're not going to live tomorrow.

So having that wonder of what's going to happen if I die soon,

no matter what your age is,

obviously it probably gets worse as you get older.

It does.

And I know it does for me,

but it's good to think about that.

Well, how old are you now, Juice, again?

I'm 32, but I remember partying a lot in my in like my late teens early 20s and doing psychedelics and you know thinking about death more yeah and then there was like a shift where i like got my life together kind of slowly but you know yeah i guess and but there's also um there's something that happened the other day at the improv. I want to name the person, but I know a woman who did comedy maybe.
When I started doing comedy, she was a headliner. And then I didn't see her for like many, many years.
But I've seen her around lately. And she comes to me and she's so much older and needy.
And she comes to me and she goes, I don't know what happened. It's like, I can't get spots anymore.
I'm going to all these clubs. No one knows me.
And it's like, you know, I still got it. I still got it.
Is this Nikki Glaser? No, no, no, no. You know what I mean? And you know what I mean? And I kind of want to look at her and go, like, I want to say it's over, you know, but it's like,

I'm not there

and I don't want to get there.

No one needs to say that to anybody.

I didn't say that.

No, but I'm saying,

I always go,

they'll figure,

I always say,

keep trying.

They'll,

they'll get there on their own.

Yeah.

But you see that kind of desperation

and you kind of go,

yeah,

I'm in a good place right now.

You know?

Yeah.

You're,

yeah.

Very blessed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cause you know,

I can all go away.

Okay. Now I'm really scared.
I was feeling pretty confident. I don't know why this pod went to this direction.
Let's switch it up. I don't think we can.
Let's stay here. I like it.
Yeah, yeah, I like it. What are you scared about? Oh, my God.
Something that I'm afraid of is the more people get to know me, on a bigger scale like on a public scale they will like me less oh man that is so real and can I tell you something you're right Yeah, yeah, you personally. The royal, the royal.
Like I spoke to another comic on the phone the other night and we were just kind of fucking lamenting about, you know, sometimes the pressure from doing the thing, the thing that you want, makes you question yourself more than you ever did when before less people knew you knew you but it didn't matter right and it still doesn't matter quote unquote but like it's scary because look we do this show we do all this so many people see us and they and you want to connect with them and you want to grow with them and you want to have fun but sometimes they hate you just because or they you know, they find things to get upset or annoyed or whatever about because they enjoy you. So naturally, sometimes they're going to be like, I don't like when Juicy does that.
Yeah. And you're like, but why? Yeah.
Who cares? So it's going to happen. The more bigger, the bigger you get, you'll have some people that will.
Like I read a comment yesterday yesterday it was a direct message from a guy and he goes you're 10 000 times funnier than andrew santino yeah and i thought that's my friend that's my body don't tell him i wrote you that that was you yeah yeah oh it's the smooth sack summer baby. It is the Smooth Sack Summer.
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It's not really true. Well, it's true.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter, yeah. You know, yeah, I read something that said a guy was like, Santino's not a comedian as much as he is a host of like a Disney show or something like that.
Oh, I saw that too, actually. Did you really? It was on Trash.
Yeah, it's weird. It was like the first thing I saw.
I just made mine up, by the way. I was trying to do a joke.
No, no, no, I know. This was real.
This was this was real no I know that was a joke I don't want you to go through a midlife crisis right now no no I'm I'm having a really good time alright great when I was on animal practice the Rolling Stone magazine said that Bobby Lee and another guy I forgot maybe Tyler Labine that was on it right I love that guy and he said Rolling Stone, these are sitcom killers. To you and Tyler?

Yeah.

Like in a bad way?

Yeah, yeah.

This is not going to last.

You know what I mean?

Is there any truth to that?

And this is their last chance.

Worst TV of 2012.

Well, I never got hitters from Rolling Stone. Wait, wait, wait.

Is that,

wait, that's the show I was on?

It's the worst TV of 2012?

I got to tell you.

Yeah, yeah.

You got number five. Five worst TV on tv on god you're not even number one it's so crazy if you're gonna be the worst at least be like me look at me time we're fucking we're number we're seven percent on rotten tomatoes we're down there yeah yeah i don't mind when people no but listen juice it people are gonna people are gonna love you even more who really know you they're gonna love you and then you And then you're going to have some haters, but I don't know.
Who gives up? What the fuck? Who cares? Yeah, you just have to, I guess, just be courageous and keep stepping into just being yourself. But stand-up is such a thing where they want you to talk about your personal life.
Yeah. So you have to give more of yourself, but you just have to put yourself up for the judgment and stuff.
Yeah, because it's going dude people are gonna love you and dislike you oh so you you can't foresee animal practice 1717 pretty fucking bad almost as bad as me time almost as bad as me time you Except a lot of people saw our movie. Yeah.
I thought that was going to be a cultural phenomenon. But only six people rated it.
I literally thought this is going to change. That's even more embarrassing.
Yeah. What does that go up to popular TV on Tomatoes? Do they have my photo down there? Please no.
Yeah., they do. I hate that photo of you, by the way.
Yeah. I hate that photo because it's like a fat, weird character.
It looks like a caricature of you. It's not even you.
I like your hair, though. Thank you.
I think it's cool and crazy. No, do you think he's Kim Wheatley? No, Bobby's to the left.
Oh, sorry. My bad.
People are going to throw shade. Also, people are going to love you because of how fucking great you are.
But also, you can't foresee how things are going to change. We don't know what the business is going to do.
Like, for instance, 20 years ago, I never thought that podcasting was ever going to be a thing. Yeah.
Right? So I was always just doing stand-up and thing. It wasn't even in my reality.
Right? And then while you're like oh i think i'm just gonna be a road comic i mean this is really and then podcasting became a thing and then i did that and it kind of restarted a lot of elements of my career you know so you don't know what's in the future just go with the flow adapt right and change yeah eventually you'll start making shitty movies that's when you know You's in the future. Just go with the flow.
Adapt. Right? And change.
Eventually, you'll start making shitty movies. That's when you know you made it.
I can't wait. Do you see this guy's taking shots at us all day? All day.
You know, let me back myself up a little bit, okay? I'm a really funny motherfucker in that movie. You are.
And you know what I'm going to do, Fancy? What? And I said this at the press day, which I don't think netflix liked but i was like someone was like you know what what should you tell people about the movie and i was like only watch my scenes and the press guy was like what i was like i'm gonna on instagram i'm gonna time code only my scenes so you can just jump through to watch just me yeah dick when i went to meet that commercial agent he was telling me about about how Bobby was the king back in the day booking commercials and how one time you booked this commercial for Maxwell Coffee, and the role was literally for a white guy in a suit. And Bobby booked it, and he asked you, what were you wearing for the audition? You were dressed just like you are now.
You still booked it. And you still booked it.
No, the description was,

we want an older Brad Pitt in a turtleneck, right?

And he's going to be chopping wood in the forest.

I see it.

Right?

Yeah.

And I go, submit me.

And my agent goes, he's Korean.

And he goes, you're not going to submit me.

Do you know why? Because there was no dialogue. And when there's no dialogue in commercial auditions, they ask you, what was your weekend like? Like, there's no auditions.
They just want to see what you're, because the whole commercial is me just drinking coffee on a thing. Right.
So they'll just ask you like, what was your weekend? And I knew that I would be able to kill with my words. Yeah.
So I just knew that I would be able to win them over with just talking yeah so any of any i don't care whatever big fat black lady submit me submit me do you think you're gonna get that yeah okay what's wrong i was just what's what's your attitude right now i was thinking about something else what were you thinking? I was just thinking about when she had said that you used to kill it back in the day. What's wrong? When she said that, it made me feel a type of way because it was like, Bobby was the king.
Of commercials. Yeah, no, I know.
And then I felt this thing where I was like, that's right, dude. My best friend was the king.
But then I looked at you and I was like, the king has fallen. I didn't mean it like that.
Yeah, why did you set me up? Because you don't do commercials no more. But you know the way she said it? She was just like, yeah, they had to take his crown away.
Yeah, the crown's gone. Because he didn't know where he was.
He started to forget what room he was in. That's how she said it.
That is exactly how you said it. That's how you said it.
You set me up for failure. My bad.
Yeah. So sweet.
My bad. To the guillotine.
To the guillotine. Burn this witch.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
This is what we talked about. From France? No.
Give it to me. Give it to me.
Give it to me. This is what we talked about.
From France? No. Oh.
Give it to me. Give it to me.

Give it to me.

This is what we talked about last week.

Okay.

You said you wanted an array of sunflower seeds for the studio.

Yeah.

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We got it all.

Wow. Thank you.
But most importantly. Yeah.
I yeah I want to try those this is not an ad but my god yeah these are Tate's cookies I bragged about this last time Tate's makes the best but these are the blueberry ones I brought these for the staff at the comedy store because I love them so much I want to see if they're as good as you say they are go ahead ahead. And I'm going to be real.
Go ahead. Be real.
All right. Because I love cookies.
Cheers. All right.
So here I go. That's how you know he was the king of commercials.
Look at that. Look at that.
You know what?

Okay.

I have to admit.

I have to admit.

Out of all the cookies I've ever had in my lifetime.

No.

Yes.

Okay.

Okay.

In fact, I just went to Boa yesterday and I got their fresh cookie.

This is the best bite. That was the best first bite I've ever had with a cookie.
The blueberry. The blueberry.
You can smell it. And you know what it is? The blueberry is soft, but the cookie is still crispy cooked, crispy cooked.
Can I say this? Can I say this? Yeah. That's fucking real blueberry, baby.
Real. That's real blueberry, baby.
Real blueberry, baby. That's not fake.
fake Factory fucking berry This is a real fucking berry dude Wow real blueberries Yeah Dude that voice you just did Is the fucking That's a commercial Yeah you get a book That was a commercial audition These are so God. How good is these cookies? These are so fucking good.

By the way, how do they get them so crispy and the blueberries to be so soft?

How does that do that?

Because these are crispy.

And the butter.

It's a buttery cookie.

It's a buttery cookie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What makes the cookies so deeply delicious?

It's something we call the bake shop way.

Wow.

Can we talk about now the thing I told you yesterday?

Yeah, let's move on.

Thank you. the cookie is so deeply delicious.
It's something we call the bake shop way. Wow.
Can we talk about now the thing I told you yesterday? Yeah, let's move on. Mataya Tatao.
Okay. Untold stories.
The woman, the girl that didn't exist. Untold.
Untold stories. It's a sports documentary series.
They're all great. And let me tell you something.
What? Brocker Way, the brothers that do that, I couldn't be bigger fans of. They're so talented.
I'm trying to sit with these guys because they did my favorite documentary of all time, which I told you about. I know you don't give a fuck about baseball, but The Better Bastards of Baseball is the best documentary about sports I think I've ever seen in my life.
It's about Bing Russell, Kurt Russell's father, who bought a baseball team. Oh, wow.
Dude. Okay, I'll watch it.
Is it an untold story? It's an untold? No, it's the same guys that made that. Untold is just a series.
This was just a singular documentary they did before. All right.
So this untold about Manti Teo, it's called The Girlfriend That Didn't Exist. Do you know about this? Oh, my God.
She wouldn't know who this is. It's un-fucking-believable.
So Manti Teo was an incredible football player that played at University of Notre Dame. A very...
From Hawaii. He's from Hawaii.

Mormon.

He was Mormon, and they're a Catholic, hardcore... It's a Christian college that's known...

That's rooted in Catholicism.

It's in the Midwest.

That's their whole thing.

So he was a fish out of water today.

Well, no.

He's a church kid, but he's a Mormon church kid.

He's a star.

He's a star on the Notre Dame.

Notre Dame?

Bain it is. Yeah.
Notre Dame. I don't think it's at Notre...
It's a star. He's a star on the Notre Bain.
Notre Bain? Bain it is.

Yeah.

Notre Bain.

I don't think it's Notre.

It's Notre Bain.

Notre Dame.

Notre Dame.

Notre Dame.

Dame is a woman.

Notre Bain baseball.

Notre Bain.

Well, it's not baseball.

It's basketball.

Football.

You play basketball.

It's baseball now.

Notre Dame football team, right?

He's a star, right?

Yeah.

He's a great linebacker, correct?

Defensive tackle, right? Defensive. Whatever he is.
He's in the backside. Defensive.
Anyway, big star, right? And then his grandma dies, right? And then hours later, his girlfriend dies, right? And then he has to play this game. Murder suicide? No, they're not together.
Juicy's the best. Juicy's the best.
That would be a great story. Grandma, girlfriend, murder, suicide? Yeah, murder, suicide.
I don't think that's ever happened. But who did what? Right.
Be tight if the grandmother was like, you fucking bitch. Yeah.
And she took a night. Yeah.
Yeah, man. No.
Good luck on your game, Mateo. Mateo.
Mateo., Manteo was essentially catfished before catfishing even existed. This girl.
This girl that killed himself, that his girlfriend wasn't real. What? It was a man who, this is the...
That's the man. Well, first of all, this is when, and they say it in documentary.
Stop. When this person, I know, let me explain.
Can you go to a different photo than this one? No, that's the one. It is her.
All right. It's her now, but then she was a man.
When she was catfishing the football player, the guy on the top left, this person was a man when this was going on. And they'd only met her online or something? He never met her.

He never met... This guy...

Let me explain.

Catfish.

This guy...

This guy...

This girl...

This girl now...

Was a guy pretended to be a girl online.

Okay.

Using someone else's photos.

Okay.

Catfish.

So this guy took photos from somebody else's account and pretended to be a girl by the

name of LaLani. LaLani? LaLani..
Some shit? Lalani. Okay, I'm following now.
And then they developed a relationship. So Monti...
That was the guy. That's the guy.
That's before she was a woman. So fucking complicated.
I know. It's impossible to talk about it without someone being like, what are you saying? And you're like, I'm trying.
Yeah, yeah. yeah this person is someone else now they're a different person they go by a different fucking name this dude who happens to be gay is he gay see another twist yeah i don't know i don't know yeah yeah i don't i don't want to make assumptions she didn't say what she is now yeah i don't honestly.
So did she fake her death? Yes.

Fake the death. Because

and then she says, what she pretends

to be her brother

calls Manti and says

she has leukemia and she's

dying. It's crazy.
She dies.

But here's the twist.

ESPN, everyone

goes, Manti's girlfriend

dies and her grandmother dies. Huge news, right? And it's like the story of this guy still winning and you know what I mean and still participating in the sport and killing it and this and that and then the girl calls him four months later and says I'm alive I'm alive yeah and here's the deal oh I got chills who released the article Deadspin? Deadspin yeah and deadspin basically exposed it as fake but here was what was wild the media this was also you have to remember this is what this is probably or this is the 2009 so it would have been the 12 the 2012 season oh my bad 2012 okay yeah i was three years off sorry no no you're no no but essentially what was going on in the media was they like, because he was catfished and they found out it was from this guy, that the media was like, he's gay and he's just afraid to be gay.
And he's not. But the media was like, yeah, he is.
This is what he's hiding. He's hiding that he's gay.
And he was supposed to be like the first round draft pick and he wasn't. Right.
He still went pro. He did go pro.
He played. It didn't didn't pan out the way it should have politics had a play well here was the problem this is something i said i think i said to you over the phone when you said we were like have to watch it i was like this is one of those times when you know when people say like language is getting woke and shit today yeah that it's a good thing because you look back and you go the whole media espn was like bet he's a secret homo and they no i mean seriously and they were all laughing about it and because there wasn't people to go hey man you can't just throw that shit out there at people like that for no fucking reason yeah because what it did was it fucked with his psyche because he was like i'm not gay i.
I just got fucked over by the internet. It ruined him.

And everybody was like, yeah, you are.

Before we got conscious over like just making up shit about people and what it do to them and hurt them, this guy had nothing to do with it.

He got catfished.

They say he was naive and stupid and blah.

People said all sorts of mean shit.

Dude, he's just an innocent guy that got fucked over and fell in love on the internet.

How not weird is that?

Every loser I'm friends with now falls in love with people on the internet constantly what can i ask a question yeah yeah um i mean he's developed this relationship with a woman well he thought it was a woman i know that he's been dating for how long a year well here's the problem here's another big hole i'm asking i'm just asking let me answer all right the hole in the story is like they would take weeks off and not speak right and then sometimes they would speak a bunch and then not again you got to remember there's a college kid who plays football but there was a lot of incidents like um she's like let's facetime he'd be like let's facetime and it wouldn't work and on her end it wouldn't work after the eighth time time, you don't go, there's something weird?

I know, but here's why we say that.

You're privy to catfish.

This is pre-catfish.

Catfishing wasn't happening

like it is now.

When it happens now

and people don't get it,

I'm like,

what's wrong with you?

Right.

But then...

I'm giving the benefit of the...

I started following him on Instagram

and I see he's your inspiration to me.

I'm just saying then

it didn't exist.

So nobody fucking knew

that that was a thing

that you could...

He hasn't followed me back yet, but he will bobby's profile picture is andrew but let me ask you this though right how long would it would i be able to cut if let's say you were single yeah but in the current day and age i would be weary of all this stuff this guy had no fucking how long would you last you think right now let's say i lived in baltimore and i'm the hottest chick you've ever seen and we're talking online But how long would you last, do you think, right now? Let's say I lived in Baltimore, and I'm the hottest chick you've ever seen, and we're talking online, right? How long would you wait? What's your name? Lililia. Same name.
How old are you? Gloria. My name is Gloria.
Gloria, how old are you? I'm 28. Nice.
What do you do? I work at an insurance firm. Oh, are you in insurance sales? No, I'm a secretary right now for Montgomery.

Oh,

okay.

Insurance.

Oh.

Yeah.

How did you find out about me?

I'm a huge fan.

I saw your special.

Thanks.

And I'm a huge fan of Dave.

Oh,

me too.

Who isn't?

Very cool.

I like Gata more.

Me too.

Yeah,

Gata's good.

Same.

Yeah,

yeah,

Dave's good too,

but you're like my fifth favorite.

Would that be third?

There's two more? I don't know their names. Oh, sick.
Yeah, but when they come on, I'm like, oh, that's good. Same.
Yeah, yeah. Dave's good too.
But you're like my fifth favorite. Would that be third? There's two more?

I don't know their names.

Oh, sick.

But when they come on, I'm like, oh, that's cool.

Cool.

All right.

Have a good day.

Oh, that's it?

Well, that would be it.

All right.

You're my favorite guy on Dave.

In fact, you know what?

I saw Me Time, and I literally only watched it because that movie was horrendous.

But when you come on, you just spark.

Thank you.

It just sparks.

Thank you.

And it's like, wow, what a scene stealer. Sick.
also I'm just You know I was adopted Whoop Right right I just sent you a picture Of what I don't know You tell me Oh Is that a Whoop whoop whoop Oh your penis Your penis Whoop whoop Penis penis penis Whoop Oh got to put a butthole picture on that. Yeah, butthole.
Yeah. Actually, I sent you pictures of me jerking off.
So one week. You got to play really fast.
So there's no way that would happen. You wouldn't develop a relationship with somebody from Baltimore.
No, I would want to meet you in person. If I'm single and I'm looking to fucking meet you, I would want to meet you.
I just, but this is now and now is different than then. Then it wasn't a thing.
No one knew. That was it.
I think I'm getting catfished then. Are you serious? Well, there's, I don't know if I should talk about this.
I don't want to get in trouble. Is she from Baltimore? No, there's a, yeah, yeah, and it was Gloria.
No, well, there's a couple of instances and I haven't done anything. You know, I'm single now where I haven't done anything, right? But there's a – Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, her name was Gloria. No.
Well, there's a couple of instances, and I haven't done anything.

You know, I'm single now, right?

I haven't done anything, right?

But there's a couple of instances where a couple of girls, like, if you're in Vegas,

give me a call, and I have their number.

Is that catfishing?

No.

Because if you're in Vegas, give them a call.

Just be careful if you want to go meet them because –

Why?

What would happen?

I don't know.

They could rob you or something.

I think it happened to a friend of mine.

Vegas, though.

Yeah, you don't want to just go meet strangers from –

No, I would definitely do, like, a crowded place.

Thank you. Because why? What would happen? I don't know.
They could rob you or something. I think it happened to a friend of mine.
Vegas, though. Yeah.
You don't want to just go meet strangers. No, I would definitely do like a crowded place.
And bring a bodyguard or something. Yeah.
I would do a crowded place. Like, let's meet at the Bellagio.
That's a good movie, though. Bobby goes to meet some ladies in Vegas and gets kidnapped.
And we got to go save him. I know.
But would we save him? Yeah, I would. You would be reluctant.
But I would need you to save him. Because we're playing ourselves, right? I know, but I would have so much to do and cancel just to get out there.
And you know what that is? Plot, baby. That's right.
I've got stuff going. I'm in the middle of shooting the third season of Dave.
You get canceled out there. Captured.
You get captured. Wait a second.
Wait a would mean if I'm if I disappeared and you're shooting Dave you wouldn't take a week off and go my schedule's nuts on you wouldn't take a week off I don't think I could oh my god I would pay someone to go find you I guess I'm alone then with whoever who would you pay imagine you have door stop you have the store You gotta work at the store You can't give up those spots I think I'm alone then with whoever. Who would you pay? Imagine you have door stops.
You have the store. You gotta work at the store.
You can't give up those spots. I think I could give up some shifts to save Bobby.
You know, I honestly believe that Carlos would. Yeah, I would definitely.
I honestly believe you wouldn't. You wouldn't give a shit.
You're being annoying and you know I would. I would go way out of my way.
You would? You would cancel. Would you lose your job at Dave? No.
You wouldn't.

Be honest.

Lose my job?

Let's suppose I'm captured by some guys in Vegas.

The Yakuza.

The Bamboo Boys.

The Bamboo Boys.

They got you.

Right.

And they're like, you know, Andrew quit Dave or Bobby's dead.

We're going to do it.

That's tough.

We're going to see it in the Hollywood Reporter that you quit and you're trying to save her. Why do you guys want me to quit the show just to kill him? I don't know.
We get off on it. Oh, boy, guys.
Come on, man. The gun's loaded and I'm like, Andrew, Andrew, I think they're fucking serious, man, I don't want I'm like I Bob I No no no Hold on Hold on Hold on Okay okay Let me talk to the leader Let me talk to the leader Hey dude What's up How are you Pretty good Pretty good What are your answer No no no I'm Bamboo Boy Bamboo Boy Listen Yeah You don't want to kill my friend I have have somebody else you can kill.
Who? His name is Fancy B. Oh, I hate him.
I know you do. If I bring him to you, will you let my friend Bobby go? Yeah, well, you gotta bring him now.
I'll be there right now. All right.
I'm getting a private jet. Fancy.
Yeah. Here he is.
The switch. And then they kill him, they kill me, and they kill you.
And I get away with the money. Damn it, this movie sucks.
This movie sucks. Okay, Juicy, you go ahead and sign us off.
Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.