Wiener Fart & The Noodle Tombstone

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Speaker 1 Hey, I got some dates coming coming up. I'm filming my special in Denver September 24th.
Also, I'm going to be in Salt Lake City September 9th and 10th. Then I'm doing Bray on the 13th.

Speaker 1 I'm doing Minneapolis and Madison, Wisconsin, 16, 17. Then September 24th, I'll be in Denver filming my special at the Paramount Theater.
Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.

Speaker 1 AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. Well, why are you got beef with Carlos? I don't have any beef with him, dude.
Well, why do you have carnitas with him? I don't even know what the whatever it is with him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you got something. Oh, I have carnitas.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got moist pork with him, man.
Welcome back to the show. Juju, Juju, Juicy Johnson.

Speaker 1 God,

Speaker 1 I don't want to tout,

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 1 we're really helping you out, huh? You're really helping me out.

Speaker 1 I don't want to tout, but. I think you're touting.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me tout a a little bit.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He'd be touting.

Speaker 1 Now, you started off with 13,000

Speaker 1 followers on Instagram, which is pre pretty noble. What are we talking right now?

Speaker 1 Now she's at 43.9.

Speaker 1 That's really good. And let me say this.
If our fans don't get her to 100 by the end of the year, we're stopping the show. Yeah.
We'll quit the show. Yeah.
It'll be good friends.

Speaker 1 It'll be different with Rick Lassman and Eric Griffin.

Speaker 1 And it won't be a good show. It won't be a good show.
Well, they won't talk to each other the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, let me say something. So we got the the 44 almost, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 you're going to open for Andrew? Yes. We're going to be doing Salt Lake City together.
Jetsky said yes over the phone, September 9 and 10. We're doing four shows, two Friday, two Saturday.

Speaker 1 Salt Lake City, come see me and your boo. Woo-hoo.
Jetsky Juicy Johnson. And what else happened?

Speaker 2 I got a commercial agent.

Speaker 1 Thanks to Bobby. Nights to do it.
You know, he called me.

Speaker 1 He called me and he told me. He was like, I think I'm going to get her a commercial agent.
Yeah. I was like, really? I was like, how are you going to do that? And he goes, I have my ways.

Speaker 1 And then he hung up the phone like a creepy little Asian oracle. Yeah.
But it worked. I blew him.

Speaker 1 I gave Lawrence her a blowjob for you to get in. Really? Yeah, yeah.
I was on the casting couch for you. If you could pick any commercial to go out for right now, what campaign would you want to do?

Speaker 2 Bad friends.

Speaker 1 No one. No, no, a real one.
A real one.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What about like Verizon? Think of Verizon. You could be the new guy.

Speaker 2 I wanted to do like a car commercial.

Speaker 1 Oh, which kind of what car company?

Speaker 2 I would do like a like it would be sick to do like a Lamborghini or like a

Speaker 1 car.

Speaker 1 Literally, I've never seen that. But let's do, let's do the Lamborghini.
Yeah, they don't do car commercials. But

Speaker 1 pitch me a Lamborghini. Go ahead.
Let's see. Well, I think the commercial.
Let's set up the commercial scenario. Okay, the scenario.
She has to set it up.

Speaker 1 If she wants this that bad, you got to tell me what it is.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm the valet driver. I have experience doing that.

Speaker 1 So I could fit the role. And

Speaker 2 you

Speaker 2 play the rich guy.

Speaker 1 okay. So, you toss me your

Speaker 1 piece. I'm not in the commercial, you're my boss,

Speaker 2 and so you're like, park the cars.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm another valet driver, you know, you treat me like shit. Well, I'm another valet driver, just to let's get that clear.

Speaker 1 You run the valet, yeah, you run the value, which means I'm another valet driver. No, you own it, yeah, but they always do the car parking too.
I know, but you know what?

Speaker 1 I'll be the guy, you be the rich guy, fine. I'll be the valet, I'll be the Mexican valet driver.
Okay, ready? Yeah,

Speaker 1 hey, hey, it's your turn.

Speaker 1 All right, I got this. All right.
Hey, how are you doing? Good, good. Is this

Speaker 1 valet for the foot spa?

Speaker 2 Yep. Just leave your keys on the car and he'll show you to the foot spa.

Speaker 1 Take it. I got it.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 This is a Jeep.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. Let's start over.
Start over.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I forgot we're acting. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, you broke this one.

Speaker 2 I got it, Captain.

Speaker 1 Hey, is this the valet from Yoshinoya? Sure is. Sick, leave her close.

Speaker 2 Got it.

Speaker 1 And then I go, this is the commercial. I go, hey, where are you going? And she's just driving into the sunset with and then Lamborghini.
Oh, that's cool. Yeah, Lamborghini.
Eeni. What's it called?

Speaker 1 Lamborghini. Lamborghinis.
So you have to say it Italian. Lamborghini.
Lamborghini. Lamborghini.
Try to do Italian. Lamborghini.
Lamborghini.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the Lamborghini. Lamborborghini.
Lamborghini.

Speaker 1 Good enough to steal. Lamborghini.
Good enough to steal. Good enough at steal.
It's to steal. Have you ever wanted to steal a Italian? That's a good commercial.
Right? Right. Good enough to steal.

Speaker 2 We're all in it. We all get a Lamborghini.

Speaker 1 Do we all get a Lamborghini?

Speaker 2 Yeah, fine. It's my commercial, yeah.

Speaker 1 Pull that mic close to your face. I can't hear you.
I keep slipping.

Speaker 2 I did tell Bobby real quick when I booked my first commercial, I'm taking you guys out to steak dinner.

Speaker 1 Oh, seriously? Yeah, but which one?

Speaker 2 I'll have to pick it based on the commercial.

Speaker 1 Oh, so we could be going to fucking with Chris.

Speaker 1 We're probably with Chris. Let me tell you something.
We're going to Outback Steakhouse, and that's a fact. Yeah, so Outback.
Okay, so

Speaker 1 you know what? I found a different maybe nickname for you. Whoa.
Because I think you have a Diane Keaton kind of energy. Yeah, you said that.
Yeah, so what about this? Ladi Da.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 I like that one a lot. Ladi Da.
Yeah, Ladi Da. That is so good.
Do you like it or not? Yeah, no, I really do. Yeah.
Look at little Ladi Da. Ladi Da.
I like that one a lot.

Speaker 1 I'm still going to call you Juicy. Yeah, me too.
For the right time.

Speaker 1 But Ladi Da is going to exist. Yeah.
Ladi Da.

Speaker 2 That's a really thoughtful and cool thing.

Speaker 1 Juicy by Ladi Da.

Speaker 1 Ladi Da. Yeah, by Di Di Di Di Di Da.
By Juicy. I like that.

Speaker 2 Have you guys ever thought of getting a fragrance? Because I wonder what your fragrance was.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, I'm working on one with H3. Do you know that? No.
With Ethan Klein? Yeah. They have a fragrance thing? Yeah.
They do? Yeah. What's yours going to smell like?

Speaker 1 Can I tell you what it's called for? One, two, three. Noodles.

Speaker 1 No? No.

Speaker 1 Dude, noodles have a smell? Noodles smell delicious. Are you out of your mind? Yeah, I've never smelled a noodle, though.
I eat them. You've never smelled noodles?

Speaker 1 You smell them first and then eat them? Yes, the steam that's wafting off of noodles when they're cooked is so good. Two things I don't smell: rice, steamed rice, or noodles.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 Because you just inhale them. So let me explain to you.

Speaker 1 That's how you eat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Let me explain.
Why is the slurping such a big deal in Asia? It's a huge deal.

Speaker 1 It's so gross. I hate it.
You just see when they suck dick.

Speaker 1 What do they do?

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Yeah, it's like a large slip. It's a go-gurt.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Slurping and belching during a meal are acceptable as long as these are considered tributes to the quality of the food.
Right, but the slurping is so gross.

Speaker 1 If I was going to ask you to describe the smell of a noodle, please do. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ready?

Speaker 1 I've been.

Speaker 1 Crested sunshine laying over a tiny hill as wheat waves in the wind. My wife, my son, my dog, and my friend walk slowly through a field.
What the fuck is a

Speaker 1 sunflower? It's a Hemingway novel. Yeah.
No, I want, what the fuck does a smell like?

Speaker 1 That's what it smells like in my fucking head. No, if you were going to describe a smell, an alien race comes down.
Beep, bap, what do noodles smell like? Asian fingers.

Speaker 1 There you go.

Speaker 1 And that's to the point.

Speaker 1 So my cologne is called bird flu.

Speaker 1 So it comes in a blue bird bottle, but the bird's dead. So it's got X's on his eyes.

Speaker 1 Right? And the smell is going to be lyche fruit and some woodsy smell, like a oak.

Speaker 1 Oh, I like that. Like a woodsy, leechy kind of fruit.
Okay. Yeah.
I can't wait to smell it. It's going to be great.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Yeah.
What's your cologne? What would mine be called? Yeah. And what would it smell like? My cologne would be called

Speaker 1 cirrhosis.

Speaker 1 And it would smell like whiskey and what does a bottle look like? Huh? I'm at fucking Sephora. And I go to the lady, oh, where's your cirrhosis?

Speaker 1 You want the summer or the winter edition? I want the summer edition. Mine's cirrhosis.
Cirrhosis comes in a little tombstone.

Speaker 1 When you open the tombstone up, it has my smell in in there, and it's whoa, and it's whiskey and the smell of skin rotting to a chair.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's pretty good, nice, pretty good. What's your cologne? Perfume,

Speaker 1 parfume, probably like open wound. Ooh,

Speaker 1 open wound. What does it smell like? What does the bottle look like first?

Speaker 2 It looks like a

Speaker 2 it looks like a glass box of tampons.

Speaker 1 And it very good. Very good.
Yeah, it's it's yeah classy yeah and

Speaker 2 it smells like uh roses yeah and menstrual blood oh

Speaker 1 yum yum yum yum love it's so funny to look over at the boys at pete and carlos and they both are going hmm they're nodding off yeah that's the smell that people want to smell this doesn't that pussy that's what pussy smells like to me roses

Speaker 1 roses and menstrual blood like a combo the way that you don't smell noodles or rice i don't smell pussy i can't smell anything you really smell nothing nothing That's amazing. Nothing.

Speaker 1 What about butthole? At that, that, that I can, and I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I know where I am. The distinct smell of butthole.

Speaker 1 Well, because you know I have distorted visions, I know where I am at. Once I get to the butthole, I know where I'm at.
Right. Have you ever licked a butthole thinking it was the pussy?

Speaker 1 Like you went too deep down? Can I tell you something? Yeah. No.

Speaker 1 Insane. Yeah, I have.
You have. Yeah, because I closed my eyes.

Speaker 1 But you know which one's on. I don't know where directionally I am.
Are you guys able to move them?

Speaker 1 Like, are we putting them in? Your butthole and your pussy? Can you switch them? I can't. What a trick they could play on us.
Yeah, like, can the butthole kind of go to the taint a little bit?

Speaker 1 Yeah, can it move? Yeah. Can you shift it from? There is a runway.
There's a runway. I'm trying to do it right now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The runway is like Hong Kong. It's got to get land between the buildings.
It's a tiny little runway between the butthole and the pussy. But can you just squeeze tight? And

Speaker 1 what if you got surgery to make them

Speaker 1 right on top of each other? What do you mean? If they cut out the taint and made it even closer. I wouldn't want that.
No, you know how funny to.

Speaker 1 No, that's still, it's the.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't like to do that?

Speaker 1 Number one.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I would hit your roommate. Fuck them all.

Speaker 1 Is he popping popcorn?

Speaker 1 It's movie night.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I wouldn't want that. You wouldn't want it's just two smells, you know, too close together.
It would create a singular smell.

Speaker 1 Imagine if they blended and they blended well, much like bird flu. What if the smell of lychee and the woods is similar to bird flu? But we tested the smell already.
This is a real clinical thing.

Speaker 1 We're doing it. But why call it bird flu? I just think it's funny.
You know what I mean? It's going to sell. It might smell.
You know what it's called. Oh, yeah, it's going to smell.
Sell.

Speaker 1 But what I'm saying is that we don't know what the combination of smell is going to do. So I'd rather get the smell, smell it first and then get the operation.

Speaker 1 You don't want to get the operation before you know what it smells like. I think put the cart before the horse.
I think we figure we carry.

Speaker 1 I think you put the fucking operation into play and hope that thing smells good. And if it doesn't, what happens? Big fucking deal.
Then we move on with your life. Oops.
Oops.

Speaker 1 Then you'll call it oops. Yeah, yeah.
And it might sell more. Yeah, maybe.
Yeah. Do you have a car freshener in your car?

Speaker 2 No. But I want to get one because I had an in-and-out today with Daniel.
We ate in the car and my car smelled really bad on the way.

Speaker 1 What was your order?

Speaker 2 This is the number two combo.

Speaker 1 Number two is a double-double. No onions.

Speaker 2 No regular cheese.

Speaker 1 Is Daniel jealous that you're funnier than him? We don't talk about that.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That's so mean.

Speaker 1 I'm kidding. He's very funny.
He's so funny. Oh, he doesn't watch the show? He's a funny guy.
He's fucking you, Daniel. Fuck you, Daniel.
He's a funny guy. I was just trying to be mean.

Speaker 1 So you guys had In N Out in the car. You didn't want to eat it outside?

Speaker 2 We had a long drive back. From where? A wedding shower in Seal Beach.

Speaker 1 Oh, sorry, sorry. A wedding shower? Yeah.
What does that mean? You celebrated them. Was it a baby shower?

Speaker 2 I don't know the word for it. So it's their wedding shower.

Speaker 1 They don't make it it up.

Speaker 1 That's what it said. It was called a wedding shower.
Oh, it was? Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was like a celebration because we're not going to go to the wedding because it's like in another state.

Speaker 1 But you did go to a wedding.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's a wedding for poor people.

Speaker 2 It's a wedding for like the celebration before the celebration.

Speaker 1 What? You're right. It is true, though, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's for your poor friends at the time. It's for your poor friends.
Yeah, like me. Yeah.
Okay, I get it. So they go, hey,

Speaker 1 where is

Speaker 1 today? Where is the wedding at?

Speaker 2 Another state. I don't know.

Speaker 1 You don't give a shit. You already did this.
Did you give them a gift?

Speaker 2 Yeah, on the registry.

Speaker 2 I haven't yet.

Speaker 1 Well, you have a year. Yeah, I have time.
What do you think you're planning on getting them?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I go on the registry and I'm just going to find the cheapest thing.
No, the coolest thing. I saw ceramic bowls, but I'm like, that seems like a boring gift.

Speaker 2 But they put it on the registry, so they must want it.

Speaker 1 I think people

Speaker 1 put stuff on a registry because they think they're supposed to.

Speaker 2 Yeah. How much is it? 40 bucks.
Great.

Speaker 1 They get it. Get done.
Yeah, they'll love it.

Speaker 1 What's the most expensive thing on the registry?

Speaker 1 I i don't know do you have it available for us to look at uh i could send you the link but i have to get my phone but it's it's because i kind of want to look at it and i think we should buy them the most expensive thing on there that would be awesome that'd be cool for her and we buy it yeah think about it we're gonna buy it i don't know him if ceramic bowls are forty dollars i don't think their fucking registries i know can i just say something with eric griffin i still haven't bought anything and can i say something I probably not.

Speaker 1 You know why? Why? We went to the wedding. Oh, that's true.
We went all the way there. Yeah, yeah, that's true.
If I'm going to go all the way to your wedding, where were we?

Speaker 1 Nowhere. Honestly, I have no idea.
We were nowhere. I have no idea.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like Gardens of the Galaxy.
Nowhere.

Speaker 1 If we went all the way there,

Speaker 1 that was our gift. Go back to that.

Speaker 1 That's exactly where

Speaker 1 his wedding was. Yeah, nowhere.

Speaker 1 Go to that other page real fast. So look at this.
A rectovaginal fistula is an abnormal connection between the lower portion of your large intestine and your rectum and your vagina. Look at this.

Speaker 1 Bowel contents leak through the fistula, allowing gas or steel to pass through your vagina. You can actually poop out of your puss.

Speaker 2 I mean, it has been a dream.

Speaker 1 I feel bad with women that have Crohn's disease. Why? Because sometimes they get poo in their pussies.
Well, that's what that was. I know.
Well, what about men who have Crohn's disease?

Speaker 2 They don't have pussies.

Speaker 1 It's in the dick? They get poop on their penis, I bet. Inside.
Does it come out? What if your dude, if your wiener could fart, how you wouldn't hear it? The hole's too small.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 it'd be like this.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Mine would go. Mine would go.

Speaker 1 Boom. Mine would go.

Speaker 1 There'd be juice.

Speaker 1 Wedding registries are absolutely

Speaker 1 insane. They're insane.
Inappropriate. But we're going to buy the most expensive thing on here.
We're going to do it. But it's cool.

Speaker 1 If I ever get married, I'm going to get married in a place where people can't afford to go, so they don't go. I'll go wherever they're going.
I know, that's right. I know you'll go.
Yeah. Right?

Speaker 1 But she won't go. No.
And I'll still. What if we fly her? No.
I'll fly her. Please don't invite her.
Don't fly her. I'm going to fly her.

Speaker 1 No, because I'm going to do one of those fucking shower weddings.

Speaker 1 At the belly room. Okay, good.

Speaker 1 I'll do a shower wedding at the belly room. One night I'm already there, right? And you go, yay.
You know what I mean? Do a spot, go upstairs. Yeah, go.

Speaker 1 I'll just do one yay, and then they'll clap, and then I'm out. Do you want to tell me what you called me about last night in the middle of the night?

Speaker 1 You don't have to say it. What was that?

Speaker 1 I don't remember. Who gave you a gift last night

Speaker 1 oh i could say it let's talk about it because bobby called me we both had sets back to back at the store with by the way i yeah i just say it hold on let me set this up yeah

Speaker 1 i will say and i mean this yeah

Speaker 1 you know we're gonna look back i'm being serious can i be genuine for two minutes yeah we're gonna look back in a decade and we're gonna go man remember how fun it was

Speaker 1 Those nights at the store when I would bring you on or you'd bring me on. Yeah.
And I'm being genuine when I say this. I mean this from my heart.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's the most fun I've ever had in my life as a comedian is when you and I are having fun and we bring each other on and the energy is good and the show is good.

Speaker 1 And I mean it, you're going to look back when you're fucking old and done and you're going to go, that was the time of our life.

Speaker 1 I'm serious. I mean it.
Here's why I said what I said though, all right? Is that I don't know why, but it's always me after you.

Speaker 1 And you always kill so hard. You're one of the best comics.
But you kill so hard, and then what you do is you play trickery on stage. No, yeah, yeah, you do.
No, I bring you on. I say so.

Speaker 1 No, you don't. No, you don't.
You do this shit. You say my name, right? And then you'll pretend to leave.
Yeah. You'll go in the audience.
While I'm telling my jokes, you're still like

Speaker 1 the audience, standing up, getting claps for yourself. I got to shake the fans' hand.
I know that you come back up on stage. Something they want me back up there.
I know, and I don't like it.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm going to keep doing it.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 it means the world to me. I'm right.
If it gives you joy. I'm sharing the stage with my best friend.
So sue me, I'm having a black. If it gives you joy, then do it.

Speaker 1 You know how people run the light at the Oscars and they play the music and all that shit? I don't like it. I love it.

Speaker 1 You do? Fuck the people. Fuck them.
Fuck the time. Fuck you.
By the way,

Speaker 1 they play off music? No. Let me say my shit until I'm in the middle of the morning.
Let me say, though. This is my moment in the sun.
But you have to understand this, all right?

Speaker 1 If you look at the lineup, right? It's hard hitters before me. It's a sold-out room.
It's packed in the main room, right? And it's like, you guys are killing.

Speaker 1 And I just kind of want to go up and do the same. You know what I mean? But then I have to deal with other elements.
I don't like that. Yeah, you.
But I help you. A lot of times they laugh.

Speaker 1 I don't think it's a help. They laugh for you.
They laugh with us.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 If you say so. So let's say about the.
What did I do last night? Well, because I begged you on my hands and knees.

Speaker 1 But what I said, I said, he's my best friend. My best friend on earth.

Speaker 1 And that was perfect. I bowed and I walked away.
Why'd you bow? Yeah, you did. I bowed.
It's racist. How?

Speaker 1 Because now I bowed.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He bowed first, and I'm like, in front of a packed room, and I go, I'm going to have to bow. Yeah, is bowing racist? I don't think so.
Look that up. How is that? That's a sign of respect.

Speaker 1 Nothing even came up. Yes.
Oh, nothing came up. All right, so bow then.
Fine. Thank you.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, but don't do the gong like you did. Okay.

Speaker 1 First of all, the gong is too much. They loved it.
I know. But then you grab the mic in the back and go,

Speaker 1 I don't like that. That's your calling card.
It's true. It is a thing.
You know how they put Batman's symbol in the sky? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When that's almost if you float down

Speaker 1 out of thin air, that's your Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Okay, so

Speaker 1 should we talk about what happened, the bizarre thing that happened last night? Yeah, so you called me on the phone to talk about the spot. All right.
So

Speaker 1 I don't know how to. I'll just say it.
I don't know how to get into it, but. It's a good thing.
It's a great thing. And

Speaker 1 I cried almost. I know.
You got emotional on the phone. I got emotional.
So, what happened was I show up at the store, and a bunch of people come up to me and goes, Leslie Jones is looking for you.

Speaker 1 So I go, because let me just say this beforehand.

Speaker 1 I've known her for a very long time. I've had a deep relationship with her.
I love her so much. Same.
I'm so happy for her success. She's such a great performer and a great actress.
What, whatever.

Speaker 1 So, what, whatever.

Speaker 1 So funny to be like, so genuine, what, whatever.

Speaker 1 I didn't know what word to use. That's fine.
Okay. What ev's.
What ev's. Is that better? Yeah.
So they go, she's looking for you, and I'm like, I think I'm in trouble already, right?

Speaker 1 Because I have to be, I felt some friction in the last year. Between you and her? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I felt some friction in the last year and I didn't know where it was coming from. And it kind of hurt me, you know, when I would see her, we wouldn't lock eyes.

Speaker 1 We'd avoid each other, you know, and I was just like, well, this is fucking weird, but it is what it is.

Speaker 1 so last night she comes up to me and she gives me a bottle of wine you know she doesn't know I'm sober but

Speaker 1 and she gave me a letter

Speaker 1 and the letter read something

Speaker 1 to the effect of I have it in my house um

Speaker 1 thank you for supporting me over the years I love you um

Speaker 1 it's just something about I'm glad you're in my life and all that stuff and um

Speaker 1 she gave me some money there was a check right yeah which I'm not gonna you don't need to talk about it Yeah, I'm not going to.

Speaker 1 But she was thankful. I'm not going to cash it in, right? She was thanking you for it.
I'm going to frame, actually, the letter and the

Speaker 1 check, yeah. You can always cash it in.
No, I'm not going to. Just cash it in and then say, can I have it back? No, no, it's fine.
But I just,

Speaker 1 that moment was like, and she kissed me on the cheek.

Speaker 1 I nearly almost cried. And I,

Speaker 1 you know, I could see her trying to

Speaker 1 change. I don't know what it is.
I don't know what's going she's going through, but it really meant a lot to me. Well, it's great.

Speaker 1 Maybe she'd she'd been maybe the time when you thought she was being weird is she was going through something else and you didn't know. We don't know what people go through, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But it was a really nice gesture, and that's why I called you. Shout out to Les.
Yeah, shout out to Leslie. She's the best.
She's always had a crush on me.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. Ask her.

Speaker 1 I can't imagine that. Her and I? Yeah.
What are you talking about? She would tell be top. She'd be top.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, there's no rolling around. We'd roll around.
She's top. We'd roll around.
Yeah, and you're on your stomach.

Speaker 1 Cute.

Speaker 1 I mean, can you imagine? She's pulling me from the back. Yeah, and there's tears.
It's called the doorbell. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm crying. Oh, you're crying for sure.
Well, and then you know what? One day we'll get married.

Speaker 1 And then her and I will have a registry, and you'll have to buy the most expensive thing that I put on there. Hydro.

Speaker 1 I got it. You? They gave me one.
I got one at the house. I love it so very much.
It's incredible. And I'm rowing in the morning and it wakes me up and gets me juiced.
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Speaker 1 I can't imagine what your registry is going to be.

Speaker 1 When me and Leslie Jones get married? Yeah. I can't imagine it.
What would it be? I don't want to go there because. Yeah, you don't.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? That's a trick question. Well, let's look at this registry.
We obviously can't show the photo.

Speaker 1 I think people have seen that guy before. Are we not going to show the picture of the say their names?

Speaker 1 Okay, let's see what they got, though. When it says sort by, do most expensive.
Price high to low. Whoa.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I didn't even go there.

Speaker 1 Sort by, price, high to low. All right.
Here we go. $600.
What is that? Oklahoma Jewelry. Let's get over the first thing, whatever that thing is.
Highland Reserve Flow.

Speaker 1 It's a healing. It looks like a fantastic meth lab.

Speaker 1 Like a high-tech. Doesn't that look like a high-tech meth lab? You know what, Bobby? Because of your love of animals, you should get the litter robot 3 Connect.
That's a cat. It's like a cat house.

Speaker 1 Oh, let's get that. What is it? It's a cat.
It's for the litter. Or they want a three-ply stainless steel cookware set.
Huge. Yeah.
They want travel bags, obviously, because they want to travel.

Speaker 1 They need two of them.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 it's always furniture. It's always furniture.
It's always furniture. So let's go back to the top one because Bobby's interested in that.

Speaker 1 So do you want to buy the $600 Oklahoma Joe's Highland Reserve Flow, 879 square-inch black horizontal? Well, since I don't know them at all, let's get to the second thing.

Speaker 1 You want to to get them the cat? Yeah, because I like cats. Okay.

Speaker 1 Buy now.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's buy that. That's cool.
But this is from you. Yeah, so how are we going to do it? Are we going to use our credit card? Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 They listen to this podcast.

Speaker 1 Okay, there we go. Oh, well, then fuck, they're going to know what they're going to get then.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But that's exciting.

Speaker 1 That is exciting. Do they need like a mat or anything like that? All right, Carlos, slow the fuck down.

Speaker 1 Carlos, he's like, they want the super one, right? The oversized.

Speaker 1 What color do they want? They didn't say, huh? Litter robot. Let's get the black.

Speaker 1 The black is cool. Yeah, the black one looks tight.
Yeah, it looks dope. Oh, it's gray? Whatever it is.
Get that? Are they big cat people?

Speaker 2 They must be with a litter box like that.

Speaker 1 That's a sick litter box. That's almost unnecessary, but I like it.
I like it a lot. It's like from Star Wars.
Whoa, look at that. That does look like a Star Wars.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I have cat poop in me.

Speaker 1 It tells you. I have cat poop in me.

Speaker 1 It almost as if they wouldn't know to go in there. Well, yeah, it looks a little deceiving.
Yeah, it looks a little ominous. Can you imagine? We pay $600 for this thing and the cat never uses it.

Speaker 1 They'll never use it. No.
Is that a bad idea? What if we get in the barbecue? The barbecue. Does it come with the white girl? I'd buy it then.

Speaker 1 Wait, I think you got that white girl. That'd be great.
Go to details. Scroll over to the right.
It says, to the right there, go up. It says,

Speaker 1 stop scooping cat litter forever while giving your kitty a clean bed of litter for each use. A better litter box for everyone.
White girl not included. Wow, there it is.
I guess she doesn't come.

Speaker 1 Oh, the white one. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 They're just saying white girls can use it too.

Speaker 2 Can they, though? She's waiting to get in.

Speaker 1 Oh, she's next. Yeah, she's waiting.
Is that what she's taking a picture? She's like, get out of my house, bitch. She doesn't look upset.
Scoot over, bitch.

Speaker 1 And she's sitting like she's holding in a shit. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. White girls always sit like that.
Oh, they do? Yeah, and what is that called? You know. Crisscross applesauce.
Crisscross applesauce.

Speaker 1 We used to call it Indian style. You can't say that anymore.
Why not? Well.

Speaker 1 Let's address that. Okay.
I'm continuing to say Indian style. You're on a show about Native Americans.
Okay, crisscross.

Speaker 1 Yeah, crisscross. Indian style.
Look, that was a way to sit on the floor with legs crossed. Now, a popular phrase used is crisscross applesauce.
Indian style is considered offensive in 2021.

Speaker 1 Well, 2022, so I guess it's not offensive anymore.

Speaker 1 No, but Indian style. But let me just say, though, it's not like, it's not a term that's making fun of them, though.
It's just a cool way of sitting. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like, you know, if like, you know, sitting, like, like I was just you know you know how Asians like to

Speaker 1 break everything you know how Asians like to sit like this well you crouch yeah Asians love to crouch if they call this Asian style I wouldn't be offended that sounds awesome Asian style Asian style but see but Asian style has been used to describe like a version of food Like it's good like ooh and like like at Buffalo Wild Wings is like Asian style.

Speaker 1 That's like a cool thing to have Oh, so back in the day you think natives like in Indian style was a way that people killed them? Like, let's kill them native

Speaker 1 Indian style. What if they made him get a cross? What if they made him sit down crisscross applesauce while they killed him? Oh, yeah.
Then, okay. See, crisscross applesauce.

Speaker 1 So you got to think about it.

Speaker 1 Crisscross applesauce is so long, but okay, I'll kill you. Crisscross applesauce.
What's a quicker way to say cross-legged? Crisscross. Applesauce.
But crisscross was a great group. We don't know.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's right. My group you're referring to.

Speaker 1 Okay. You know what I mean? Are those prescription? Yes.
Wow, that's cool. So do you wear contacts ever or no? No.

Speaker 2 Oh, just those? I just wear these. I love these glasses, but someday I'm going to have to.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
What do you mean? Get LASIC?

Speaker 2 No, like, I get really attached to things. I don't know if you guys get like that.
Like, these shoes I got right when I started working at the store, and I'm going to wear them out.

Speaker 2 Same with these glasses.

Speaker 1 Like, I'll wear them until they fall off my face.

Speaker 1 I don't get attached to stuff. You do a little bit.
Oh, I get romantically involved. Yeah, you like stuff.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I get like, there's a personal. I remember there was a car that I drove from LA, San Diego, and I moved to LA.
It was a truck. And I remember

Speaker 1 I was going, I was opening for Mencia on the road, and I parked at the airport, and it was like on its last legs. Once I parked it, I know it's dead.
That was it. That was it.

Speaker 1 So I remember being in the park, that parking lot at LAX, looking at it, and I remember weeping. Oh, yeah, I relate to that.
Because of all the experience I had with that fucking truck.

Speaker 1 That truck saved my fucking life. I don't have any attachment to things.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. You could burn my whole house down tonight, and as long as nobody I loved was inside of it, I don't give a fuck.
There's not socks or any pair of shoes or there's nothing.

Speaker 1 I mean this when I say this. Yeah.
If my house caught on fire and no one I loved is inside of it, I don't, I wouldn't even think, I would be like, what's the insurance going to pay out?

Speaker 1 What are we going to get? Really? I couldn't care less. What about, like, what about this? What about like a.

Speaker 1 I've never had a home. You know how you had a home? I broke my mom's heart one time when I said, our house doesn't feel like a home.
It feels like a house.

Speaker 1 And she fucking couldn't believe it. Because I've never felt at home.
So I just like things and places, I don't,

Speaker 1 time I really cherish. Yeah.
Moments of time. I'm super,

Speaker 1 what's that word? When you get sentimental about the past or the moments in time. Nostalgic.
Nostalgic. Super nostalgic, dude.
But honestly, I don't know. I just don't, like, you grew up in a home.

Speaker 1 Your home and stuff. Yeah, but there's things that mean stuff.
Like, for instance, I was at a AA meeting once, right? And this old timer, no, a million times, but this old timer, his name is Chris.

Speaker 1 He got his birthday cake, and he had like 40 years of sobriety, right? And I was a newcomer, right? And

Speaker 1 he took a candle off of the cake and he gave it to me. And he goes, this candle is yours.
I hope you stay sober. And I put that candle in my pocket.
I still have that candle.

Speaker 1 Didn't stay sober, though. That's true.
It didn't work.

Speaker 1 Guys got to make a better wish. Yeah, it didn't work, but I still have the candle because it means so much to me.
I know what you mean. Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 So I have small things like that, but they're very rare. Like

Speaker 1 my dad gave me a stone.

Speaker 1 Are you being real? I swear to God. Yeah.
A little tiny stone.

Speaker 1 He gave one to me and my sister one year for some reason, and he had some great limerick behind it, but I just liked it a lot, and I kept it in my pocket for every time I did stand-up for years and years.

Speaker 1 Where's the stone? It's gone.

Speaker 1 Where is it? I threw it away. I got tired of it.
Oh, so you don't have it? No, I do have it. It's in my desk drawer.
Check this out. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I got a dragonfly from my mom in my pocket.

Speaker 1 Look at that.

Speaker 2 And I bring it on stage or anywhere. I go, like,

Speaker 1 it's a similar thing. So if I stole that, that would bum you out.
She'd fight you.

Speaker 2 It's weird. Like, I can detach, but I do, like,

Speaker 2 hold. Yeah.
Like, I like having this.

Speaker 1 No, yeah. I like that.
The stone is in my desk drawer in my house. It sits in my desk.
It's in the very front of it. I know where it is.
I just.

Speaker 1 It's very rare.

Speaker 1 It's just very rare that I have those things. Can I tell you the most precious precious thing I have? Me?

Speaker 1 Aside from that.

Speaker 1 You roll your eyes. Yeah.
You don't think I'm one of the most precious things in your life? No.

Speaker 1 Absolutely not. Are you fucking serious? I enjoy it.
You enjoy me? Yeah, I enjoy you.

Speaker 1 You don't think I bring ultimate levels of joy and nuance and comedy and I believe you meet certain people at certain times for certain reasons.

Speaker 1 And you're a part of that because schematic. Okay, so give me what's precious to you.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So 20 years ago, my mom,

Speaker 1 she was in tears. And she goes, in Korean, she said, basically,

Speaker 1 I can't speak English that well, right?

Speaker 1 And I don't know how to write in English, right? And I've never been expressed to you how I felt about you, right?

Speaker 1 But I wrote it in Korean, and when I die, get it translated. It's a two-page letter written in Korean.
Do you have it? I have it in my house.

Speaker 1 And I haven't gotten a translate because he's obviously still alive. But

Speaker 1 I will get it translated. Can I tell you something? What? What if it said, fuck you?

Speaker 1 You're the worst.

Speaker 1 I really think in my heart,

Speaker 1 you should never translate it. But just get it framed.
Why? Because there's something great about the unknown. It's almost like you'll, it's like the chase is better than the kill.
It's like...

Speaker 1 The idea of not knowing means more than knowing for some reason. Like, you'll know what it means by the feeling you have for it more so than the direct translation.
Because look what happens.

Speaker 1 Look what happens. In English, dear Bobby, I'm gone now.
Take care of Stevie. Goodbye.
And in Korean, you know,

Speaker 1 so it doesn't sound as pretty.

Speaker 1 Right, it would be the reverse, though, but yeah, you're right. It just doesn't sound as pretty.
Right.

Speaker 1 So, and you know what's going to be because there's, because Rolos and translation will happen with Korean to English. Yeah.
So it'll read so weird.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're right. It won't have to be.
Miss you, I will, Bobby, son, mine. Yeah, yeah.
It'll just be fucking annoying.

Speaker 1 You're right. So I think don't get a transit.
Put it in. I'll frame it.
Frame it. Yeah.
And let it live in your house for the rest of your life. Oh, my God.
Yeah. Do you have anything like that?

Speaker 2 No, I don't have nothing like that. I know when my dad had to take care of his dad's funeral and everything, it was so messy that he's like given me his card to his financial.
He's like,

Speaker 2 when I die, just call this guy. He's got like the business card.
He's like, I don't want it to be a mess for you.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. So he has it all taken care of.

Speaker 2 That's what he says. I don't.
Yeah, I'm like, he constantly tells me I'll be fine when he's dead. And I'm like, I don't want to change it.

Speaker 1 Jesus, I know.

Speaker 2 But it's because his dad left him with such a mess to take care of.

Speaker 1 See, that's not fair. Will he leave money, you think?

Speaker 2 He tells me all the time, like, yeah, like, that he's going to leave me a bunch of money and stuff.

Speaker 1 Oh, how much do you think?

Speaker 2 How much do you think? I have no idea.

Speaker 1 Is he rich?

Speaker 2 I think so, but he's so frugal that, like, I have no idea. He was a rocket scientist.

Speaker 1 He's retired. Yeah.
So he's got to have a lot of money.

Speaker 2 But, like, he didn't want to go to a show in North Carolina because he was worried about the two-drink minimum.

Speaker 1 But I think that was

Speaker 2 more about the principle.

Speaker 1 Right. Because it's like, no one tells me to drink two drinks.
I'm drinking four, but you don't tell me to drink two. Yeah.
Yeah. That's how people at the store are.

Speaker 1 They're like, why is there a two-drink minimum? And you're like, you had seven drinks. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you?

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? You were going to get wasted anyway. And also, oh, I don't drink.
Fine. Then you just buy two waters or whatever.

Speaker 1 Or when you put somebody on the list and they ask that bro dude i had friends i put them on the list and then they go why do we have to take two drinks i go you this is a 30 ticket bitch well you know what i do you know what i do now to not deal with that anymore i usually tell the tell the servers yeah i say hey you know at comics tab like give the comics discount because they're my table and just put it on my credit card yep well that's what you do yeah because i don't want to fucking deal with it yeah yeah and so that way when they're drunk and annoying i can be like go get you guys have to okay you leave now oh yeah or or the worst is you get a call, me plus one, and then right before you go on, we're here, but it's 15 other people.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you're like, what? You don't get in. Yeah.
I know. And then I have to go to the fucking comment room.

Speaker 1 It's sold out, but what can we do? It's so annoying. It's so annoying.
By the way, we had some guests at the last one. I saw, you know, Rek was there with Dumbfounded.
Oh, yeah. Who's Rek?

Speaker 1 Oh, you don't know. Uh-uh.
That was who was with me in Beef. Who played with me in Beef? He was with Dumbfounded.

Speaker 1 Did you go say hi to them? I did. So that was the guy that replaced me on beef he didn't replace you

Speaker 1 my enemy he played you

Speaker 1 no was that him that was wreck yeah

Speaker 1 i'm glad i had a good set he's the fucking man no i wanted to show him he's not a stand-up doesn't matter i had to show him first of all he loves you i had to show him okay he loves you i know and why can i show though you can show how good you are you're a great comic everybody fucking knows that's why he went to see you yeah yeah he thinks you're incredible did i shake his hand i didn't

Speaker 1 I didn't. I didn't.
I kind of give him a pound and I walked by. Such a grudge.
I love it. You hold a grudge.
I love it. Well, it's my energy.
Is it? It's what keeps me up.

Speaker 1 It's what keeps me going. It's that energy.
It's like, I'll show you. I'll show you.
Yeah, yeah. I'll show you.
What happens when you run out of people to show? Oh, I make them up.

Speaker 1 I make up people. I really do.
I'll go, who's the guy? You know, countless studies have shown holding grudges and keeping negative feelings is bad for your mental health.

Speaker 1 I know. You know what's going to happen to you? What? You're going to have a psychotic break.
No, I'm not. Yes, you are.
Let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 Let's be real. Because you, you have your ear in the local comedy scene, especially at the store, right? Sure, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so in terms of do you think people think that I'm going to have a psychotic break that I'm Bobby Lee's like, you know, manic and he's on the edge?

Speaker 2 Everyone I've heard says that you're like getting shit together.

Speaker 2 But I will say it before this podcast, you did approach me on the stairs outside and said, tonight's the night I get murdered.

Speaker 2 And then you like jokingly jabbed your keys at me.

Speaker 1 When did I say that? Just before. 25 minutes ago.
Right before Andrew pulled up, and I was like, thank God, he just pulled up.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I did do that. Yeah, I go, tonight's tonight, you're getting murdered.
I grabbed the keys. Yeah, yeah.
So jeriously.

Speaker 1 Did you really think that if Andrew didn't show up that you would be murdered? No. Yeah, I wasn't gonna hurt you oh i know yeah yeah but you know yeah

Speaker 1 it's so it just maybe you wouldn't even bring that you wouldn't even bring that up yeah wait it's weird she would bring it up yeah she talked about you having a psychotic break it makes perfect sense yeah and you said be honest be real yeah yeah you're right okay my bad and she is honest and real what's andrew's reputation you think he's he's you know you hung out the other night for the first time in a long time that was cool yeah i usually just don't hang out you know what i did last night what i went to tate's tate's i went to pink dot and i bought um you know you leave sometimes leave leave something for the servers.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I left a bag of Tate's blueberry chocolate chip cookies.
By the way, you know Tate's? You know Tate's cookies? Yeah.

Speaker 1 The chocolate chips are the best. They just made blueberry.
Yeah. And I ate two bags this weekend.
No. Like a fat piece of shit.
I haven't even heard of that, dude.

Speaker 1 I like Tate's. Tate's is the best.
And they have a blueberry. They just made blueberry, and I'm not kidding.
Oh, my God. We got to get some for the show.
Like a fat piece of shit.

Speaker 1 I ripped through it and I got sad because when I finished the first one,

Speaker 1 I knew I was going to get another one. Can I say something? You look fatter today.
I know. You really do look pudgy or like bloated a little bit.

Speaker 1 I've been swollen. This weekend was a swollen weekend.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

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I buy every single brand on Amazon, Sunflower Seeds. Oh.
Right. Every Taco Bell flavor, spicy hamburger flavor, right?

Speaker 1 Flame and Bacon.

Speaker 1 Flame and Bacon, so good. So fucking good.
Flamin' Bacon.

Speaker 1 Cheddar dill.

Speaker 1 I get them all, right? But I have high blood pressure, so I'm on blood medication. High blood pressure medication.
And I eat so much, I can't feel my neck is so stiff.

Speaker 1 But I can't stop. You can't.
And I think I'm going to have a stroke. So I'll keep eating.
I got to get flaming. Flaming bacon.
Let's see what that flavor, right?

Speaker 1 And then I have jars of seed shells.

Speaker 1 Just jars of it on my fucking nightstand. Uh-oh.
Numbness in your neck,

Speaker 1 it's usually caused by an issue with a spinal cord or other nerves. You're having spinal cord issues.
I know, I know. You're having nerve damage.
I'm having nerve damage from it.

Speaker 1 Okay, so if you die from eating sunflower seeds,

Speaker 1 can we make your tombstone a sunflower seed bag?

Speaker 1 How about one large sunflower seed? That's cute. That's cute.
What flavor? Asian style.

Speaker 1 There is no Asian style flavor. Look up.
Yes, there is. Asian style.
We should create. You should make it.
No, we should create our own flavors of sunflower seeds. Bad friend sunflower seeds?

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. I'm being real.
I'm toe-down. Because there's certain flavors they don't have.
They always fuck with hamburgers. I like that one, Tacos Fuegos.
That's a good one. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Tacos Fuegos is good. Yeah, yeah.
But like Mongolian beef. Oh, shit.
So imagine Mongolian beef. That was hard.
How about General Chow's chicken?

Speaker 1 Is it Chow or Sao? Jennifer Sow? Whatever. Jennifer Sow? Yeah, Jennifer Sow's chicken.

Speaker 1 What about like

Speaker 1 chocolate? What? Like chocolate. You know what? You know what? Sweet and sweet's going to be tough with that.
No, but sweet and salty, though? Caramel. Caramel's salty.

Speaker 1 But caramel is better than chocolate when it comes to the sweet and salty stuff. Yeah, so caramel.
How about caramel? Can we go caramel? We could go, yeah, we could wage on that. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Look at all those flavors right there. The Sunflower Seeds Ultimate Variety Pack.
I think we need to get that for the studio for Bob. Yeah, yeah.
Can we do that? Let me see.

Speaker 1 Biggs is not my favorite. No, Biggs is not the best.
It's not the best. David is clutch, but.
Yeah. No, David's not even the clutch of one.
No, no, but I'm saying it's old school. It's reliable.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you guys see this? Look at my face.

Speaker 1 What? Oh, did you have a stroke? No. Did you see the movie?

Speaker 1 Good, bad, and the ugly? No, no, no. It's new.

Speaker 2 I only know this because I listened to your

Speaker 2 story.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. So, what is it? Elvis.
Yeah. Did you see it? Do it again.

Speaker 1 No, that just looks like he had a stroke.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh. Elvis.
Elvis is this. This is Liv.

Speaker 1 Did you see it? No. Why? Then I won't.
Why? I don't support Baz Luhrmann or whatever the fuck.

Speaker 1 Is it Baz Luhrmann? Bas Lerman. Yeah, it is.
I'm kidding.

Speaker 1 I have no reason. I just don't, I don't, I don't.
No, I'm kidding. I just don't give a fuck about that.

Speaker 2 It was good, I'll say.

Speaker 1 I thought it was good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but is it about his life when he gets fat and dies? Yeah. It's the whole thing.
The whole thing.

Speaker 1 They show the drugs. They show the fucking.

Speaker 1 They show it all. They show it all, baby.
I want to see the gross part. It's all that.
Why can't we just have the time period when he dies? Also, this guy, I've heard he was good in the movie.

Speaker 1 He was so good. I don't like the way he looks.

Speaker 1 He was really good, dude. He looked strange.

Speaker 1 He also doesn't look like Elvis. In the movie,

Speaker 1 there were times where I'm like, uh-huh. No, they're stretching so fucking hard.
It's fine, because you're not going to find someone that looks exactly like him. Yeah, look at that.
No,

Speaker 1 that looks like Elvis with plastic surgery.

Speaker 1 That does. That does.
It looks like fucking LA Elvis.

Speaker 1 It's Elvis after he'd lost an important role and he was like, I'm going to get him back. Yeah.
But I thought his performance was good. I heard he did great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm never going to see it. Wow.
I love how stubborn you are. Fuck Elvis.
I don't like him. He fucking stinks.
I thought his shit stunk. Fuck Elvis.
He stole music from black people. Fuck him.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude. I don't like him.
I don't like that people love him, too. Yeah.
He's a stinker pinker. Name the song that you love to listen to by Elvis.

Speaker 1 You're suspicious, man. Yeah.
Shut up. Wise man sees.

Speaker 1 Only fools rush.

Speaker 1 Shout out.

Speaker 1 Okay. Hey, nothing about a houndo.
Trash. Whoa.
Whoa, dude.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 Shut up.

Speaker 1 Trash.

Speaker 1 Fuck Elvis. Fuck it.
All right, fuck it. Fuck Elvis.
Wait, so you prefer the Beatles better? Are the Beatles better than Elvis? That's not even a fucking conversation. All right.
Of course they are.

Speaker 1 The Beatles? The Beatles. I just said the Beatles.
Yes. Oh, they're way better.
It's not even in the same con. It's like the Beatles.
You know what the Beatles are to Elvis?

Speaker 1 You to a person who's thinking about starting comedy. No, that's so crazy.
Yes, it is. Wow.
Yes, it is. No, it's not.
The gap between Elvis and the Beatles is not even fucking close. Wow.

Speaker 1 How many number one hits did the fucking Beatles have? How many number one hits did fucking Elvis have? Yeah. All right.

Speaker 1 How many number one songs did the Beatles fucking have? He's the king of rock and roll. He was the first guy.
He was the king of roll. He was the king because he owned slaves.
What? What?

Speaker 1 That's not what they called a movie. That wasn't in the movie.
He owned slaves. I didn't see that.

Speaker 1 We didn't see that part of the movie. Graceland? Yeah, yeah.
Graceland is all, it was a slave house.

Speaker 2 Graceland, not Raceland.

Speaker 1 No, it was Raceland.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What? The Beatles had 20 number one hits.
Elvis had 18. 18.
There it is. 20 days.
Two. That's close.
No, it's not even close.

Speaker 1 There was no one else making music around Elvis time. Yeah, but it's so funny because I can only name like maybe eight Elvis songs.
You just did. You named all four.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, yeah, but I can name probably 80 Beatles songs. Yeah, we could go through the old, we could go through all the Beatles albums right now and name off almost every song.
Probably.

Speaker 1 We can't name shit from Elvis. Yeah, probably.
That's it. I'm sorry.
Jail. What about the Stones? What's better? The Stones or the Beatles? I'm still going to side with the Beatles.
I think so too.

Speaker 1 I like the Stones. I love the Stones.
Yeah, yeah. Still going to go with the Beatles.
What about you? Beatles. Yeah, Beatles.
are great.

Speaker 1 So what your guys are saying to me is, do you think, and let's say it here at Bad Friends, the Beatles are the greatest rock band ever, period.

Speaker 1 I've always said that. Period.
I've always said that. People argue, no, the Stones.
Nope. No way.
No. The Beatles,

Speaker 1 from what,

Speaker 1 here's what proved it to me. What the Beatles did categorically, like the levels of fucking what they went through musically, like

Speaker 1 just super different change. The change.
Yeah, they went with the time. Yeah, they were relevant through their time.
Did the Stones do that? I don't know. A little bit they did.
A little.

Speaker 1 They did Ruby Tuesday, and then they got a little bit like Jumping Jack Flash. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But I just, the Beatles went through such, like, it's just like tidal waves of different kinds of music during different times. The Beatles are king.

Speaker 1 And the Beatles have, like, albums that are, like, notoriously, like...

Speaker 1 Good from beginning to end. Like,

Speaker 1 like Abbey Rowe, right?

Speaker 1 I think Exile Main Street, which is a Stones album, is pretty good from beginning to end. But I can't say that about the rest of the other albums.

Speaker 1 I just think they just, the amount of bangers that those kids made is just stupid.

Speaker 1 And to think, you know what's crazy? I'm sad they're not making any more albums. They're all alive and kicking around.
It's like, why don't they make another album? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What are they doing? They're just hanging out with me.

Speaker 1 How did Pete Best live with himself? How?

Speaker 1 I would have taken a fucking shotgun muzzle into my mouth and pull the trigger. I mean, that's the worst decision ever made in anything.
Ever. Those guys that ran Chernobyl,

Speaker 1 not even close to what Pete Best did. Peepest fucked up.
Can you imagine? I want to let people know who Pete Best is. So Pete Best.
Do you know who that is?

Speaker 2 I just figured it out in the next video.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you guys. Well, let me guess.
Yeah, go guess, guess.

Speaker 2 He had a chance to play with the Beatles.

Speaker 1 He was in the Beatles.

Speaker 1 He was the Beatles drummer, and he turned to the rest of the guys and went,

Speaker 1 I want to go back to art school. He literally was like, it's not working out.
And then they went, oh, we got to find some, and they found Ringo. Right? It's not working out.
It's not working out.

Speaker 1 It's not working out. Then two years.
Oh, he could have waited. Two fucking years.
They're the biggest thing on planet Earth, and he's in art school with a fucking shotgun muzzle to his mouth. What?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have killed myself.
Do you know what's insane, though, when you think about it? When you look at him, it looks like he doesn't fit. That's what's even more creepy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he doesn't look at it. When you look at the futo,

Speaker 1 when you look at the futo,

Speaker 1 that's the Japanese version.

Speaker 1 When you look at the futo, it just looks like he doesn't belong. He doesn't belong.

Speaker 1 For some reason, he looks like Johnny Cash. He does look like Johnny Cash.
Yeah, that's what it is. It's like he doesn't belong.
That's 99 cents store Johnny Cash. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, what are we doing here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, he's thinking about fucking art school.
That's his problem. That's what he's thinking about right now.
I can't wait to get out of this thing.

Speaker 1 When you said a shotgun muzzle in the mouth, by the way, you can't pull your trigger so far away. Do you use your toe? How do you get down there? What do you mean? Well, the muscle's up here.

Speaker 1 Your hands are holding it. So the muzzle's in my mouth.
Right, and the trigger's way down there. You got to put your toe down.
You would. I don't think you can reach.

Speaker 1 Well, I'd create an apparatus. Oh.
So what I would do is I'd be. A little Rube Goldberg.

Speaker 1 Like a pancake pivig pops up, a light falls. You know this one?

Speaker 1 It would be a little ball through Lego set together. By the way, the funniest suicide video on earth if you Rube Goldberg your own suicide.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You don't have to just sit there, look at your crocodile.

Speaker 1 And if one domino fell the wrong way, you're like, oh my God.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's been trying to kill himself, my brother, for like a year.

Speaker 1 It's going to figure itself out.

Speaker 2 Goes down the xylophone.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've always wanted to make one of those. Can we make this? One to a bad friend's Rube.
What's it called?

Speaker 1 I think it's called a Rube Goldberg, right? A Rube Goldberg. I had a name.
Yeah, yeah. Who the fuck is Rube Goldberg, by the way? The first idiot to try it, I guess.

Speaker 1 Rube. By the way, if we find out he was trying to kill himself and just wanted a way to, like, get to have time to think about it.
Yeah. That's what it is.

Speaker 1 He made that, so he's like, I just don't want to die yet. I'm going to think about the way I want to kill.

Speaker 1 Goldberg himself, the world's most famous newspaper cartoonist, draws animated cartoons for path. These films would make.
So he was a fucking, right?

Speaker 1 So he had a brilliant brain of drawing cartoons and had a great imagination. So he made a machine just to waste time.
I love those. They're so ingenious.
Have you seen those on YouTube?

Speaker 1 There are so many on YouTube that are legitimately like three minutes long of just a, of track through someone's entire house. And outside someone's backyard, back in the house.
It's in

Speaker 1 sand indeed. Biggest dude.

Speaker 1 Type in biggest Rube Goldberg machine ever. And I want to see how long it takes to get through all that stuff.
Because it's got to be just.

Speaker 1 How long is that one? Epic chain reaction. What is that? Four minutes.
Four fucking four minutes, dude. Of course it's an epic.
It's an Asian guy. Of course it is.

Speaker 1 By the way, it was probably started. Rube was a white guy.
That Asian guy can't even say Rube Goldberg. Say it.
Rube Gold.

Speaker 1 I mean, look at that alone. Just

Speaker 2 be like, and you're just waiting with the shock.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's just. Maybe that's how they create the names, Asian names.
Ping pong.

Speaker 1 Somebody writing tongue.

Speaker 1 What always blows my mind is when it's multiple things at once. Look at that.
Look at that. Look at that.
That's insane. Right, like that, too.
Oh, my God. That has to fall to pull the thing.

Speaker 1 There's no way we'll be able to do it, dude. No, we'll never be able to do it.
Yeah, yeah. I'm not an engineer.

Speaker 1 Is there anybody we know that's smart enough to waste time doing this?

Speaker 1 Like, do we have any autistic friends? With Glassman. Glassman could do that.
I think Glassman could do it.

Speaker 1 Because an autistic kid can see this in his mind i'm sure that's yeah i just don't have the i don't know how to i wouldn't know where to start it's a lot of marbles though so imagine you're gonna cure yourself at the end here where there's a chocolate in your mouth right and you they always tape these things you have to tape them right right but is your friend filming or you're your friend and what if like you you have the muzzle to your mouth and he the camera's not even on you

Speaker 1 he fucks up in some way you know what i mean can we do it again yeah yeah he's he's he just gets a text message right as the last thing falls

Speaker 1 this is this is absurd it's not as sexy looking as some of the other ones, but

Speaker 1 it's very intricate. Look at that thing.
That's just sexy. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Did you ever create anything like that when you were in school? Did you ever have to do like an elaborate diorama or some bullshit like that? Remember how do we make those things for like fairs?

Speaker 1 Did you ever do like a school fair? You didn't have to do that? I mean, we had to. I never did it.
You just bailed on all that shit. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I said, fuck it. You were a good kid.
You did all the things that you needed to do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we had one where you had to

Speaker 2 drop an egg off the building and somehow build an apparatus

Speaker 1 so it wouldn't break. I remember that.
You don't remember that. I never did it.

Speaker 1 Everybody had to do that. I never did it.
You had to make like an egg pillow so it wouldn't crack. No, I um

Speaker 1 then one of the kids that we went to school with fell off the building when he was doing it. No, yeah, fell off and died.
What are you doing

Speaker 1 about it? Fell off and died. Humpty Dumpty.
At your school. That was his name.

Speaker 1 At your school. That's what happened.
I set her up for the joke.

Speaker 1 He had a great fall. That's a good bit.
That's a good bit.

Speaker 1 That bit was something central. By the way, you know what's insane about Humpty Dumpty? What? All the king's horses and all the king's men.
Yeah. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 They went to go put him back together again. But it's nuts because what does the king have to do with this egg guy?

Speaker 1 And if he cared so much about Eggman, why didn't he even let him live in the castle with him? Here is this egg guy. Look at this poor bastard.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's got to sit on a forest. What a poor bastard.
Look at that fucking guy. So the king has relegated this guy to sitting on a wall all day, being embarrassed in front of the townspeople.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 At some point, he gets tired and falls.

Speaker 1 He can't sleep. Let's be honest, though.
Let's be honest, right? What? We're human beings, right? If there was Eggman, they would be fifth-class citizens. I don't know.
They could be entertaining.

Speaker 1 We're kind of eggs. Like, if we were at a restaurant, we saw egg people, we'd be like, can we change tables? That's so big of it.
I'm just saying. Are you egg phobic? Yeah, I'm egg phobic, dude.

Speaker 1 I need to change, you know what I mean? The guy's eating an omelette. Oh, he's eating an omelette.
Yeah, yeah. How is that eggman eating an omelet? That's fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 But if he's eating bacon, is that chill? I guess so.

Speaker 1 That'd be mine.

Speaker 1 That'd be like, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Didn't the Beatles have a song about the Eggman, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes, they do. Yes, the greatest band of all time.
See,

Speaker 1 even now, we can find a way to get back to the Beatles. That's how good they were.
That's how good they were. You can go so obscure about egg people.
We can talk about walruses, Beatles, Beatles.

Speaker 1 Yeah, find a way to get back. Strawberry Fields.
Beatles. Beatles.
You can always get back. Yeah.
Get back to where you want to go.

Speaker 1 You guys didn't get that? You had to have Pete get back? Get back. I'll get back.
Like I said, we can always get back. Did you mean to do that then? Yes.
Fuck.

Speaker 1 Get back to where you want to. You know what that song's about? Yeah.
You know what that song's about, don't you? What is it? That's in reference to the police.

Speaker 1 Like Sting?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 No, the police

Speaker 1 abusing black people and immigrants and saying, go back to where you came from. Oh, shit.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Scumbags. Yes, but basically, like, if I don't think the king would care if the Eggman fell.
Timeout.

Speaker 1 Why? Did he send so many horses and all of his men? Obviously, he cared about Eggman. You think he might have been related to him and just look at at it, it was his brother.
They didn't talk anymore.

Speaker 1 Is the king an eggman too? Was the king an eggman? I don't fucking know. That would be if they were like egg people.
What if he was half egg? He could be half egg. And he was ashamed of his egg half.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's see. Zoom in on these fucking lyrics.
He had a great fall. All the king's horses, all the king's men couldn't put them together again.
So he was like, go try to fix my brother. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they could never do it. I mean, it's impossible.
To fix a broken egg? It's impossible. It's kind of like when JFK's head came out, it was like, you couldn't scoop that back in.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's similar.
I mean, she was when you went to the corner. I wouldn't use that.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Well, when you see her doing it, you're like, what are you? She was scooping his head. I know, that's too dark.
I wasn't there. You weren't there.
I know, but I can't imagine what Jackie witnessed.

Speaker 1 It's nuts. I mean, what would you do if my significant other was in the car next to me and got shot in the head like that? Yeah, and it's, oh, first of all, I'll never sleep again.
No.

Speaker 1 Sleeping is no longer a thing. Sleep no more.
Yeah, sleep no more. Nightmares.
Constant nightmares. Constant nightmares.
Daymares. Daymares.
I mean, we'd have daymares, yeah. All day long.

Speaker 1 You'd be like, ah!

Speaker 1 So afraid of everything. Yeah.
I don't know how to function if I saw that next to me. No.
But then wouldn't you? And here's why. Wouldn't you, as Mr.

Speaker 1 Revenge, spend the rest of your life trying to find the people that did it? But they know, but they know that the guy that did it. Guys, plural.

Speaker 1 The one guy that they thought that did it didn't really do it. I know he didn't.
There was other people.

Speaker 1 And you have to spend the rest of your life knowing the guys that did it are never going to be found.

Speaker 2 Never.

Speaker 1 Never. Fuck.
Because they're the shadowy people.

Speaker 1 They're shadowmen? Yeah, shadowmen, dude.

Speaker 2 What if Humpty Dumpty didn't fall?

Speaker 1 I never thought of that. Fuck! I think he got pushed.
Bro? Bro. That's...
Whoa, dude, who? Who pushed Humpty Dumpty? Jack Ruby, maybe?

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 That filthy son of a bitch killed two people.

Speaker 2 Or the king did it, and it was all inside jobs.

Speaker 1 Oh, and the king was like, get all my men. Yeah.
And all my horses and help. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, the king and the egg were smoking a little something, something.

Speaker 1 Have a laugh. Huh? What? Opium.
Okay. No.
Something, something is vague.

Speaker 1 Others have suggested that Humpty Dumpty is King Richard III of England, who is supposed to have been humpbacked and who was defeated at the Battle of Bosworth Field. So it's mocking King Richard III.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 And he's British, and you know what that means? What? I don't know.

Speaker 1 There he is. Me either.
He does have an egg face. He does.
Go to that picture, the realistic-looking one to the left there.

Speaker 1 Yes, that's him. He does have an egg face.
That's not just a white guy. That's what they look like.
Yeah, that's kind of what we look like.

Speaker 1 That's just a plain old white guy. But his chin is eggy.

Speaker 1 That's your skin color. No, his shape is eggy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's got an oval-shaped face.

Speaker 1 Well, then you're saying Jay Leno has a fucking. You better believe it.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 he's more scrambled than anything else. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, no. I see.
He's poached.

Speaker 1 Is that the king's skull? Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's King Richard III's skull. Whoa.
Wow, wait, they kept the skull? They always keep the skull.

Speaker 1 Oh, so when Queen Elizabeth died, they're going to keep the skull. You better believe when you're going to kill me.

Speaker 1 You mean when she dies? She died? She's been dead for 15 years. No,

Speaker 1 the queen now. Yeah, he's talking about her.
She's been dead for 15 years. No, she's not.
He's not.

Speaker 1 I am fully in on the conspiracy theory that she is AI. Yeah, but she's still alive.
No, I think they found a body double and manipulated it.

Speaker 1 All right, fine, but like the regular regular people, the people that aren't in QAnon, right? And not in Q. Yeah, you do, dude.
That's Q shit.

Speaker 1 That's Q shit, dude. That's insurrectionist shit.
No. No, so she's still alive, right? She's like 100 years.
I'm in you, by the way, not Q. You.
We're ahead of Q. Okay.

Speaker 1 She's been dead for so long.

Speaker 1 Which one is Q? Do you know why I know about this?

Speaker 1 The Crown.

Speaker 1 Oh, the show The Crown? Yeah. I will never.

Speaker 1 I love that show.

Speaker 1 It's so good. May not, will not.
Oh, my God. It's so good.
The crown's amazing. I don't support the British Elvis.
It's all the dark shit, too, bro.

Speaker 1 It's all the weird dark shit, the Diana shit, all that dark shit. What about the incest? There was no incest.
Oh, they skipped over the incest? Oh, they fucked each other?

Speaker 1 Do you mean there's no incest in the royal family? Prince Charles looks like that, not from incest. He's just a fucked-up-looking dude.
Google incest in the royal family.

Speaker 1 Their whole history is about fucking incest. Their whole shit, they fucked each other.
Is the royal family inbred? You better believe it. Look what it says.

Speaker 1 Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip do share two common lineages.

Speaker 1 This would make the most inbred living British royals their children. Yeah, but if it's like second, third cousins, it's okay.
No, it's not.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Jeff. It is okay if it's second or third cousin.
If you're justifying something that you did with your cousins, leave it out of that show.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not doing that. I'm defending the people.
Do you fuck one of your cousins? No, I'm defending the people that are in love with their second or third cousin. No, I'm not defending these people.

Speaker 1 That's insane. All right.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say right now, okay, there's no fucking scientific proof that if you make love and have a baby with your third cousin, that the baby's going to come out all whack.

Speaker 2 I wish. I want to see the scientific proof.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yes.

Speaker 1 Baby came out whack.

Speaker 1 Ask, can you have babies with your third cousin?

Speaker 2 I mean, you can.

Speaker 1 And will they come out whack?

Speaker 1 Will they come out whack? And will they come out whack?

Speaker 2 I feel like the probability of the current.

Speaker 1 In short, yes. It is legal for second and third cousin to marry the U.S.
beyond that state laws get a little more complicated according to the National Congress. Bingo, so it's not against the law.

Speaker 1 25 states prohibit marriages between first cousins. That's gross.
That's too, the blood is too thick. It's there.
Any blood is gross. They like it.

Speaker 2 They like the thick blood.

Speaker 1 That's right. That's why they do it.

Speaker 1 In Arizona, the first cousin is marriage allowed if both parties are 65 or older and no one and or or one of them is infertile.

Speaker 1 So they're basically saying if you're too old to have kids or one of them can have kids, then you guys might as well just fuck until you're dead.

Speaker 2 You're 65. That's why a lot of people retire to Arizona.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Yeah.
That's a big retirement community. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Proof of genetic counseling from a genetic counselor in Maine. All you got to do is prove that you guys

Speaker 1 know it and are okay with it. Minnesota says only certain types, eh? That's so funny.
What kind of cousins can get married here? Well, certain types.

Speaker 1 Same thing in fucking Wisconsin. Another fucking sconie said if the woman is 55 or older is permanently sterile.
Only both parties are 65 or older is the same thing in Utah. Wow.

Speaker 1 So you got to prove that you can't have kids.

Speaker 1 What if you use somebody else's data to prove you can't have kids just so you can sneak by the system to have kids with your cousin? And they catch you. They put you in jail.
It's dope.

Speaker 1 But if you make love to your first cousin and have a kid, would they come out weird? Yes. Okay.

Speaker 1 Because I know brother and sister, yeah. Don't do it.
If you're thinking about it, don't do it. I don't, and none of my cousins are attractive.
I don't know. Yeah, none of them are.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they've never met a second cousin.

Speaker 1 You've never met a second cousin? No. Huh.
Yeah. Have you?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is there a second cousin that you have that's a cute boy?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 I'm a third cousin. No.
You wouldn't even think it's such a, you won't even think about it.

Speaker 2 They're almost all women. Okay.
Yeah. And still, no.

Speaker 1 Are you the only good-looking one? No, like,

Speaker 2 I have attractive members.

Speaker 1 That's a yes. Yeah, that sounds like a yes.
You have a what?

Speaker 2 I have attractive family members, but I've never thought about wanting to.

Speaker 1 Sure. Like, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 No, you've been defending it since the jump. No, I haven't.
I'm just saying technically, I wouldn't do it, but I just think that on paper, third cousin wouldn't be weird. It would be.

Speaker 1 I think it would be weird. This is Sally, my wife.
She's a third cousin. Why would you tell everybody? I would have to tell people no.
Well, then it's weird. No, it's found out there.

Speaker 1 I don't have to Google it. Can you imagine at a party? Yeah.
Hey,

Speaker 1 this is my wife, Sally. Hey, Sally, I'm Seven.
I'm Seven. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sally's my third cousin. Immediately, I don't like those people.

Speaker 1 You're right. They're gross.
You wouldn't announce it. No, dude, how many people are on Earth? How many humans are on Earth? Billions.
Yeah, billions. Yeah, yeah.
Why do you need a cousin?

Speaker 1 What options? Why do you need a cousin? What if you're, let me just propose.

Speaker 1 Start driving go to a new place? There are some places right in Idaho, right, where they're rural,

Speaker 1 right? Small community. Uh-huh.
What if it's like a certain type of religion where it's like we, you know, they have their own cult and your options are slim? Uh-huh. Right?

Speaker 1 You have second and third cousins running around. What are you going to do? Leave.
Yeah. Leave town.
There's a lot of towns.

Speaker 1 But they don't know because it's like they don't, they're not exposed to television. They're not supposed to.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Everybody knows that fucking a family member would be wrong.

Speaker 1 It's like instinctual yeah and sexual is yeah okay it's incentive it's incestual instinctual it's instinct it's instinct sestual right it's instinct sestual okay you know better i do yeah what if it what if you made love to somebody that's your brother or sister but they're not biological they were adopted well that's like on every porn site

Speaker 1 it's a fact yeah yeah but by the way they're adopted there's no blood there that's fine that that's that i mean i don't love the idea so what woody allen did was fine that's

Speaker 1 not true. Faded questioning.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he raised that girl.
That's gross. Okay, that's gross.
Okay. If two people were raised together.
I'm just throwing out ideas.

Speaker 1 I don't believe anything I say. Check it out.
I'm a boy. My parents, my mom remarries, and a guy who, and a guy who has a girl,

Speaker 1 and we find each other attractive, which I think happens. I'm kind of okay with it because there's no relation.
They're just strangers that met and it's proximity. Yeah.
But

Speaker 1 if there's any sort of family lineage at all,

Speaker 1 80th cousin. Uh-huh.
Gross. Okay.
What about this scenario? Gross.

Speaker 1 Can I throw it out to you? I bet it's gross. It probably isn't.
Go. All right.
I'm going to throw it to you. Okay.

Speaker 2 I feel like it's going to be gross, too.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 It's not going to be gross. All right.
Let's suppose you were adopted. Okay.
All right. And you didn't know your family lineage, right? And you love your adoptive parents.

Speaker 1 You have a great life, right? You go on Tinder, you meet a guy, right? You fall in love with this guy, right? And you start having sex with the guy. You're really in love.

Speaker 1 And then you guys do a, you know, a DNA test. Yeah, you know, ancestry.com.
Like most third dates. You do a DNA test.

Speaker 1 It's the natural test. And you find out your biological brother.
That was your brother. What would you do?

Speaker 2 Throw up and then

Speaker 2 I'm out of there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's it. You made the mistake.
You got to move on. Even if he begs, like, come on, we have something going.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd be like, we're clearly not meant for each other if you're into this.

Speaker 1 But you swallowed my cum. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Insane.

Speaker 1 All right, let's flip it on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because we obviously have a proper stance on this. Yeah, yeah.
What would you do? Nothing.

Speaker 1 Absolutely nothing. Are you kidding?

Speaker 1 That's crazy. Here you are, single.
You're back on the dating season. You date someone.
It turns out your mom had a kid that you didn't know about. Shushush, San Diego.
Different dad. Same dad.

Speaker 1 I have the same dad and mom. That's it's your sister.
Okay, my biological sister. That's what you said to her.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 what don't give me the same scenario i'm just flipping it to make it seem broader all right go ahead so here your mom and your dad have a girl they get rid of already no all right here your mom a guy yeah yeah who's cool right

Speaker 1 and the daughter runs away yeah and she comes to a show she doesn't know right you don't know she doesn't know right you hook up yeah and she says you know i'm gonna do that 23andme thing yeah i would say i already did it Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And what did you find? I found that 90% Korean, 10% Japanese. Oh, cool.
yeah. I found out that I have like a brother.
Yeah? Yeah. Cool.
Yeah, what's your mom's name? Jeannie.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That was my mom's name.
Yeah? Holy shit.

Speaker 1 Where is she from? Korea.

Speaker 1 Same. Okay.
But where did she live in Southern California? Did she live here? She lives in Arizona. Wait, my mom now lives in Arizona.
And she used to live in

Speaker 1 Powwe.

Speaker 1 I'm from Powwe.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. We can still fuck.

Speaker 1 By the way, she's figuring it out, trying to get out of it. He's trying to find a way to stay in it.
No, I try to

Speaker 1 get in one more smash. You want one more?

Speaker 1 For old time's sake.

Speaker 1 No, I would never. That would be gross.
You're right. Discuss that.
Yaki, yaki, yakuck, yakucky. I know we forced you into that.
You actually don't find it that gross, but still, I'm glad you turned.

Speaker 1 I turned. Because you were in.
No, I wouldn't. Come on, man, dude.
Okay. Yeah.
It's kind of like Old Boy. What? It's kind of like Old Boy in a way.
Yeah, an old boy. You see the movie Old Boy? No.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. It's one of of the greatest movies ever made.
Wait, old boy, old boy is good. It's it's a Korean movie, it's one of the greatest movies.
I have the poster framed in my fucking movie.

Speaker 1 That is one of the greatest movies. Don't tell him because I got so.
Let me tell you about this movie. Bilber had a birthday party when I first met him, and I brought this movie on DVD.

Speaker 1 This is back when streaming wasn't the thing, and I gave him this movie. He still talks about this movie.
This is the first Korean movie,

Speaker 1 dude. That fucking old boy, dude.

Speaker 1 I love when you brought me that movie.

Speaker 1 He literally fucking

Speaker 1 fucking says that. I bought him that.

Speaker 1 Please watch this movie. I'm going to watch it.
It is fucking amazing. You're in it.

Speaker 1 Well, can I say something?

Speaker 1 100% the little girl to the right looks like you. That's Bobby Lee.
Oh, I thought you meant I was Mixic Choi. You are Mixic Choi.
Yeah, the guy. He literally is what I want to be.

Speaker 1 Everything about...

Speaker 1 No? No, no, she's not. No, I think that's cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm not afraid to look older because of this dude. Oh, you're because he, yeah.

Speaker 1 This dude is like my fucking, dude, that dude in this movie, he does a scene in this movie, and I'm not going to tell you what it is, and you'll tell me what it is because you'll know when you see it.

Speaker 1 Does he have a hammer? I know this scene. Yeah, that scene is so crazy.
And it's like, if you, technically, even as a director and an actor, you wouldn't be able to do it.

Speaker 1 Well, he's not building something, I can tell. Yeah, you know, you wouldn't be able to do this scene.
It's one shot. It's insane.
Imagine he's just putting together an IKEA desk with this hammer.

Speaker 1 Wait till you see him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, wait till you see it. This movie is so amazing.
I'm going to see it. And then, can I just tell you the premise or not? No, I want to watch it.
All right. Let me watch Elvis.

Speaker 1 You don't watch Elvis. Watch Elvis first.
Never.

Speaker 1 Fuck that. All right.
By the way, shout out to Bill Burr for playing Fenway. That's insane.

Speaker 1 Where's that? Fenway is the baseball stadium that the Boston Red Sox play in, and he... He's playing it.

Speaker 1 I think now. I think he did it last night, maybe? I have no idea.
But dude, Bill Burr Fenway. But he put up a photo, and it just made me feel so good for him.
I fucking. He's the best.

Speaker 1 I love him so much. He's better than the best.
He's the coolest. Nicest guy in the world.
He's the fucking. August 21st.
That was yesterday. Or today.
Fuck, that's right now.

Speaker 1 Wow. Fenway Park, dude.
So to him, I know this means nothing to you, but to him,

Speaker 1 I mean, dude, this is like your childhood. Like, for me, it'd be like playing Wrigley Field in Chicago.
It's like, it's insane. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Like, Eddie Vetter plays fucking Wrigley Field. It's like,

Speaker 1 doing that would be. Look at there.
He is. There's our boy Billy.
What's going on? This is Phil Burr.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be here Sunday, August 21st. There's still a couple of tickets left.

Speaker 1 Come down and listen to my ignorance as I scream out there on the triangle when you hit inside the park home runs. So proud of him, man.
Can you imagine selling at a baseball stadium

Speaker 1 where two teams play? One man is able to sell

Speaker 1 tickets where two teams play. Yeah.
That blows my fucking way. We sold 200 seats in New York, so that's pretty good.
No, I think it was 116.

Speaker 1 116 seats? Yeah. Yeah.
That's pretty good. No, we sold it 37,000.
Wow. That's how many seats.
Insane, dude.

Speaker 2 I can't even

Speaker 1 comprehend. Well, I don't know if he sold out.
I don't know if that's what the seating was for stand-up, but still, it's insane. Can you imagine if he? I don't think he sold 30 seats.
But imagine

Speaker 1 how many followers you have on Instagram? Well, for a concert, it's still 37,000. 40, how many?

Speaker 1 Like, over 40, I should say. So, what if every one of your followers are like, what if all of them came to see you perform at one point? I can't fathom that.
I mean, that's nuts. Yeah.

Speaker 1 By the way, we did sell two shows fast in Grammar City in New York because it was a pop-up show. We didn't know we were going to do it.
It was last minute.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 we're going to do a tour now.

Speaker 1 Thanks for coming.

Speaker 1 Thanks for coming. Appreciate it.

Speaker 2 Hey, thank you guys for everything you've done for me.

Speaker 1 I'm really grateful.

Speaker 1 We will do it for the rest of our life. I Karen, I love you.
We love you. I love you guys.
Come see me and Juicy in Salt Lake City, September 9 and 10. Honestly,

Speaker 1 you add something to the show that's pretty cool.

Speaker 1 It's beyond pretty cool. It's a fucking incredible.

Speaker 1 And why don't you thank them for being bad friends and take us out?

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 The best.