Wiener Fart & The Noodle Tombstone

Hey, I got some dates coming up.

I'm filming my special in Denver, September 24th.

Also, I'm going to be in Salt Lake City, September 9 and 10.

Then I'm doing Bray on the 13th.

I'm doing Minneapolis and Madison, Wisconsin, 16, 17.

Then September 24th, I'll be in Denver filming my special at the Paramount Theater.

Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets.

andrewsantino.com for those tickets.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Why are you got beef with Carlos? I don't have any beef with him, dude. Well, why do you have carnitas with him? I don't even know what the...
Whatever it is with him, I got something with him. Oh, I have carnitas for sure.
Yeah, you got carnitas with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got moist pork with him, man. Welcome back to the show.
Ju-ju-ju-ju-ju-juicy Johnson. God, I mean, I don't want to tout, but we're really helping you out, huh? You're really.
You're just. I don't want to tout, but.
I think you're touting. Yeah, yeah.
Let me tout a little bit. Tout, yeah.
He be touting. Now, you start off with 13 000 you know followers on instagram which is pretty noble what are we talking right now 43.9 that's really let me say this if our fans don't get her to 100 by the end of the year we're stopping the show yeah we'll quit the show yeah it'll be good friends it'll be it'll be good with rick glassman and eric griffin and it's not and it won't be a good show it won't be a good show well they won't talk to each other the whole time yeah yeah now let me say something so we got the 44 almost right yeah and then um you're gonna open for andrew yes we're gonna be doing salt lake city together jet ski said yes over the phone september 9 and 10 we're doing four shows two friday two saturday salt Come see me And your boo Jet ski juicy Johnson And what else happened? I got a commercial agent Thanks to Bobby I didn't do it You know he called me He called me And he told me He was like I think I'm gonna get her A commercial agent Yeah I was like really? I was like how are you gonna do that? And he goes I have my ways And then he hung up the phone like a creepy little Asian oracle.
Yeah. But it worked.
I blew him. I gave Lawrence Hara a blowjob for you to get in.
Really? Yeah, yeah. I was on the casting couch for you.
If you could pick any commercial to go out for right now, what campaign would you want to do? Bad Friends. No, no, no.
A real one. A real one.
A national? Yeah. What about like Verizon? Think of Verizon.
You could be the new guy. I wanted to do like a car commercial.
Oh, which car company? I would do like a... Like I'd be sick to do like a Lamborghini or like a small car.
Literally, I've never seen it. But let's do the Lamborghini.
Yeah, they don't do car commercials. But pitch me a Lamborghini.
Go ahead. Let's see.
Well, I think the commercial, let's set up the commercial scenario. No, no, no.
She has to set it up. If she wants this that bad, you got to tell me what it is.
Okay, I'm the valet driver. I have experience doing that.
So I could fit the role. And you play the rich guy.
Okay. So you toss me your keys.
What am I? I'm not in the commercial? You're my boss. And so you're like, park the car.
Oh, I'm another valet driver. You know, you treat me like shit.
Wait, wait, wait. I'm another valet driver? Just let's get that clear.
You run the valet. Yeah.
You run the whole thing. Which means I'm another valet driver.
No, you own it. Yeah, but they always do the car parking too.
I know, but you know. I'll be the guy.
You be the rich guy. Fine.
I'll be the Mexican valet driver. Okay.
Ready? Yeah. Hey, it's your turn.
All right. I got this.
All right. Hey, how you doing? Good.
Good. Is this valet for the foot spa? Yep.
Just leave your keys in the car and he'll show you to the footstop. Here, take it.
I got it, thank you.

This is a Jeep.

I'm sorry.

Let's start over.

Start over.

I forgot, we're acting.

Hey, you broke this one.

I got it, Captain.

Hey, is this the valet for Yoshinoya? Sure is. Sick.
Leave her close. Got it.
Beep, beep. And then I go, this is the commercial.
I go, hey, where are you going? And she's just driving into the sunset and then Lamborghini. Oh, that's cool.
Yeah. Lamborghini.
E-ni. What's it called? Lamborghini.
Lamborghinis. But you have to say it in Italian.
Lamborghini. Lamborghini.
Try to do Italian. Lamborghini.
Lamborghini. Yeah.
Lamborghini. Lamborghini.
Lamborghini. Good enough to steal.
Lamborghini. Good enough to steal.
Good enough to steal. To steal.
Have you ever wanted to steal a car? That's a good commercial. Right? Right.
Good enough to steal. We're all in it.
We all get a Lamborghini. Do we all get a Lamborghini? Yeah, fine.
It's my commercial, yeah. Pull that mic close to your face.
I can't hear you. I keep slipping.
I did tell Bobby real quick when I booked my first commercial, I'm taking you guys out to steak dinner. Oh, seriously? Yeah.
Yeah, but which one? It would be my honor. I'll have to pick it based on the commercial.
Oh, so we could be going to fucking Ruth Chris. We could.
Ruth Chris? Let me tell you something. We're going to Outback Steakhouse, and that's a fact.
Yeah. Outback.
Okay, so you know what? I found a different maybe nickname for you. Whoa.
Because I think you have a Diane Keaton kind of energy. Yeah, you said that.
Yeah, so what about this?

La-di-da.

Oh, I like that one a lot.

La-di-da.

Yeah, La-di-da.

That is so good.

Do you like it or no?

Yeah, no, I really do.

Yeah.

Look at little La-di-da over there.

La-di-da.

I like that one a lot.

I'm still going to call you Juicy.

Yeah, me too.

For the record.

Yeah.

But La-di-da is going to exist.

Yeah.

La-di-da.

That's really thoughtful and cool.

Thank you. Juicy by La-di-da.
La-di to exist. Yeah, La-Di-Da.
That's really thoughtful and cool. Thank you.

Juicy by La-Di-Da.

La-Di-Da by Juicy.

I like that.

Have you guys ever thought of getting a fragrance?

Because I wonder what your fragrances would be.

I'm working on one with H3.

Do you know that?

With Ethan Klein?

Yeah.

They have a fragrance thing?

Yeah.

They do?

Yeah.

What's yours going to smell like?

Can I tell you what it's called first?

One, two, three. Noodles.
No noodles no no do noodles have a smell noodles smell delicious are you out of your mind yeah i've never smelled a noodle though i eat them you've never smelled noodles you smell them first and then eat them yes the steam that's wafting off of noodles when they're cooked is so good things i don't smell rice steamed rice or noodles because you just inhale them so let me explain to you No, let me tell you. That's how you eat you eat.
Yeah, yeah. Let me explain.
Why is the slurping such a big deal in Asia? It's a huge deal. It's so gross.
I hate it. You just see when they suck dick.
What do they do? Oh, really? Yeah, it's like a large slurp. It's a go-gurt.
Yeah, yeah. Slurping and belching during a meal are acceptable, as long as these are considered tribute to the quality of the food.
Right, but the slurping is so gross. So if I was going to ask you to describe the smell of a noodle, please do.
Okay. Yeah.
Ready? I've been. Crested sunshine laying over a tiny hill as wheat waves in the wind.

My wife, my son, my dog, and my friend walk slowly through a field.

What the fuck?

It's a Hemingway novel.

Yeah.

No, what the fuck does it smell like?

That's what it smells like in my fucking head.

No, if you were going to describe a smell, an alien race comes down. Beep bop.
What do noodles smell like? Asian fingers. There you go.
And that's to the point. Well, there you go.
My cologne is called bird flu. Oh, my God.
No, it is. So it comes in a blue bird bottle, but the bird's dead, so it's got X's on his eyes, right? And the smell is going to be lychee fruit and some woodsy smell, like an oak.
Oh, I like that. Like a woodsy, lychee kind of fruit.
Okay. Yeah.
I can't wait to smell it. It's going to be great.
I don't know. Yeah, what's your cologne? What would mine be called? Yeah.
And what would it smell like? My cologne would be called Cirrhosis. And it would smell like whiskey.
What does a bottle look like? Huh? I'm at fucking Sephora. And I go to the lady, oh, where's your Cirrhosis? Oh, which? You want the summer or the winter edition? I want the summer edition of cirrhosis.

Cirrhosis comes in a little tombstone.

Yeah.

And when you open the tombstone up, it has my smell in there.

Whoa.

And it's whiskey and the smell of skin rotting to a chair.

Oh, that's pretty good.

Nice, right?

Pretty good.

What's your cologne?

Perfume.

Perfume.

Probably like open wound.

Ooh. I would buy open wound.
What does it smell smell like what does the bottle look like for us it looks like a it looks like a glass box of tampons and it pretty good very good yeah classy yeah. And it smells like roses and menstrual blood.
Oh, yum, yum, yum, yum. Love.
It's so funny to look over at the boys at Pete and Carlos, and they both are going, hmm. They're nodding off.
Yeah. That's the smell that people want to smell.
Isn't that pussy? That's what pussy smells like to me. Roses? Roses and menstrual blood.
Roses and menstrual blood. Like a combo.
The way that you don't smell noodles or rice I don't smell pussy I can't smell anything You really smell nothing? Nothing That's amazing Nothing What about butthole? That I know Yeah yeah yeah That I know where I am The distinct smell of butthole Because you know I have distorted visions I know where I'm at Once I get to the butthole I know where I'm at Right Have you ever licked a butthole thinking was the pussy like you went too deep down can i tell you something yeah no insane yeah i have you have yeah because i close my eyes but but you but you know you know which one's on i don't know where directionally i am are you guys able to move them? Your butthole and your pussy? Can you switch them? I can't. What a trick they could play on us.
Yeah, like can the butthole kind of go to the taint a little bit? Yeah, can it move? Yeah. Can you shift it? There is a runway.
There's a runway. I'm trying to do it right now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
The runway is like Hong Kong. It's got to land between the buildings.
It's a tiny little runway between the butthole and the pussy. But can you just squeeze tight and...
What if you got surgery to make them right on top of each other? What do you mean? If they cut out the taint and made it even closer. I wouldn't want that.
No, you know how fun it is? No, that's still... You wouldn't like to do that? Number one.
What is that? I would hate to be to be your roommate. Fuck-a-mole.
It's like whack-a-mole. Is he popping popcorn? It's movie night.
Yeah, no, I wouldn't want that. You wouldn't want it? It's just two smells.
You don't want to be too close together. It would create a singular smell.
Imagine if they blended and they blended well, much like bird flu. What if the smell of lychee and the woods is similar to but we tested the smell already this is a real clinical thing we're doing it but why call it bird flu i just think it's funny you know i mean it's gonna sell it might smell you know it's gonna smell sell but what i'm saying is that we don't know what the combination of smell is gonna do so i'd rather get, smell it first and then get the operation.
You don't want to get the operation before you know what it smells like. I think put the cart before the horse.
I think we figured, I think you put the fucking operation into play and hope that thing smells good. And if it doesn't, what happens? Big fucking deal.
Then you move on with your life. Oops.
Oops. Then you'll call it oops.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it might sell more.
Yeah, maybe. Yeah.
Do you have a car freshener in your car no but i want to get one because i had in and out today with daniel we ate in the car and my car smelled really bad on what was your order uh this the number two combo number two is a double double no onions no regular is daniel um jealous that you're funnier than him we don't talk talk about that. Oh, my God.
That's so mean. I'm kidding.
He's very funny. He's so funny.
Oh, he doesn't watch the show? He's a funny guy. Fuck you, Daniel.
Fuck you, Daniel. Bitch.
He's a funny guy. I was just trying to be mean.
So you guys had In-N-Out in the car? You didn't want to eat it outside? We had a long drive back. From where? A wedding shower in Seal Beach.
Sorry, sorry. A wedding shower? Yeah.
What does that mean? does that mean you celebrated them was it a baby shower i don't know the word for it so it's their wedding don't make it up that's what it said it was called a wedding shower oh it was okay yeah it was uh it's like a celebration because we're not going to go to the wedding because it's like in another state but you did go to a wedding oh it's a wedding for poor. It's a wedding for like the celebration before the celebration.
Bobby. What? You're right.
It is true though. It is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's for your poor friends.
It's for your poor friends. Yeah, like me.
Yeah. Okay, I get it.
So they go, hey, where is the wedding at? Another state. I don't know.
You don't give a shit. You already did this.
Did you give them a gift? Yeah, on the registry. I'm going to.

I haven't yet.

Well, you have a year.

Yeah, I have time.

What do you think you're planning on getting them?

I don't know.

I go on the registry and I'm just going to find.

The cheapest thing.

No, the coolest thing.

I saw ceramic bowls, but I'm like, that seems like a boring gift, but they put it on the

registry, so they must want it.

I think people sometimes put stuff on a registry because they think they're supposed to.

Yeah. How much is it? 40 bucks.
Great. Buy it.
Done. That's it.
They'll love it. What's the most expensive thing on the registry? I don't know.
Do you have it available for us to look at? I could send you the link but I have to get my phone. Because I kind of want to look at it and I think we should buy them the most expensive thing on there.
That would be awesome. That'd be cool.
For her. And we buy it? Yeah.
Let's think about it.

We're gonna buy it. I don't know.

If ceramic bowls are $40, I don't think their fucking registry is there. I know.
Can I just say something? With Eric

Griffin, I still haven't bought anything.

And can I say something? I probably not.

You know why? Why? We went to the wedding.

Oh, that's true. We went all the way there.

Yeah, yeah. That's true.
If I'm gonna go all the way to your

wedding, where were we?

Nowhere. Honestly, I have no idea.
I have no idea. Yeah've no idea yeah yeah it was like gardens of the galaxy nowhere if we went all the way there yeah that was our gift um go back to that's what that's that's exactly where that's where yeah nowhere go to that other page real fast so look at this erectovaginal fistula is an abnormal connection between the lower portion of your large intestine and your rectum and your vagina.
Look at this. Bowel contents leak through the fistula, allowing gas or stool to pass through your vagina.
You can actually poop out of your puss. I mean, it has been a dream.
I feel bad with women that have Crohn's disease. Why? Because sometimes they get poo in their pussies.
Well, that's what that was. I know.
Well, what about men

who have Crohn's disease? They don't have

pussies. It's in the dick?

They get poop on their penis, I bet. Inside.

Does it come out? What if your wiener

could fart? You wouldn't

hear it. The hole's too small.

No, it'd be like this.

Mine would go.

Mine would go.

Mine would go Mine would go Mine would go There'd be juice Wedding Wedding registries are absolutely Insane They're insane Inappropriate But we're gonna buy the most expensive thing on here We're gonna do it But it's cool If I ever get married I'm gonna get married in a place Where people can't afford to go so they don't go i'll go wherever i know that's right i know you'll go yeah right but she won't go no and i'll still what if we fly her no i'll fly please don't invite don't fly her i'm gonna fly her no because i'm gonna do one of those fucking shower weddings oh i think belly room okay good i'll do a shower where i get the belly room. One night, I'm already there, right? Yeah.

And go, yay.

You know what I mean?

Do a spot, go upstairs.

Yeah, I'll just do one yay, and then they'll clap, and then I'm out.

Do you want to tell me what you called me about last night in the middle of the night?

You don't have to say it.

What was it?

I don't remember.

Who gave you a gift last night?

Oh, I could say it.

Let's talk about it, because Bobby called me. We both had sets back-to-back at the store.
By the way... Yeah, how do you say it? Hold on.
Let me set this up. Yeah.
I will say, and I mean this... Yeah.
You know, we're going to look back. I'm being serious.
Can I be genuine for two minutes? Yeah. We're going to look back in a decade, and we're and we're gonna go man remember how fun it was

those nights at the store when i would bring you on or you'd bring me on yeah and i'm i'm being genuine when i say this i mean this from my heart yeah it's the most fun i've ever had in my life as a comedian is when you and i are having fun and we bring each other on and the energy is good and the show is good and i mean it you're gonna look back when you're fucking old and done and You're going to go, that was the time of our life.

I'm serious.

I mean it, you're going to look back when you're fucking old and done, and you're going to go, that was the time of our life. I'm serious.
I mean it. Here's why I said what I said, though.
All right? It's that I don't know why, but it's always me after you. And you always kill so hard.
You're one of the best comics. You kill so hard, and then what you do is you play trickery on stage.

No.

Yeah, you do.

No.

I bring you on.

I say such no shit.

No, you don't.

You do this shit.

You say my name, right?

And then you'll pretend to leave.

Yeah.

You'll go in the audience.

While I'm telling my jokes, you're still like getting –

In the audience.

In the audience, standing up, getting claps for yourself.

I got to shake the fans' hands.

I know.

Then you come back up on stage. Sometimes they want me back up there.
I know, and I don't like it. Well, I'm going to keep doing it.
Okay, all right. Because it means the world to me.
All right, if it gives you joy. I'm sharing the stage with my best friend.
So sue me, I'm having a blast. If it gives you joy, then do it.
You know how people run the light at the Oscars, and they play the music and all that shit? I don't like it. I love it.
You do? Fuck them. Fuck the time.
Fuck you. By the way, they play off music? No.
Let me say my shit until I'm done. Let me say, though.
This is my moment in the sun. But you have to understand this, all right? If you look at the lineup, right? It's hard hitters before me.
It's a sold-out room. It's packed in the main room, right? And it's like, you guys are killing, and I just kind of want to Go up and do the same You know what I mean But then I have to deal With other elements I don't like that Me Yeah you But I help you A lot of times They laugh I don't think it's a help They laugh For you They laugh with us Okay If you say so So let's see What did I do last night Well because I begged you On my hands and knees But what did I say knees.
But what I said is my best friend on earth. And you left.
And that was perfect. I bowed and I walked away.
Why'd you bow? Yeah, you did. I bowed.
It's racist. How? Because now I bowed.
Yeah. I know.
He bowed first. And I'm like, in front of a packed room.
And I go, I'm going to have to bow. Yeah.
Is bowing racist? I don't think so. Look that up.

How was that?

That's a sign of respect.

Nothing even came up.

Yes.

Oh, nothing came up.

All right.

So bow then.

Fine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But don't do the gong like you did.

Okay.

First of all.

The gong is too much.

They loved it.

I know.

But then you grab the mic in the back and go, I don't like that.

That's your calling card.

It's true. It is a thing.
You know how they put Batman symbol in the sky? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When that...
Yeah, okay. It's almost if you float down out of thin air.
That's your Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Okay, so should we talk about what happened, the bizarre thing that happened last night? Yeah, so you called me on the phone to talk about the spot.
All right, so I don't know how to... I'll just say it.
I to get into it but um it's a good thing it's a great thing and i'm i almost i cried almost i know you got emotional on the phone i got emotional so what happened was i show up at the store and a bunch of people come up to me goes leslie jones is looking for you so i go um because i let me just say this Beforehand I've known her

For a very long time

I've had a deep relationship with her

I love her so much

Same

I'm so happy for her success

She's such a great performer

And a great actress

Whatever

So

Whatever

So funny to be like

So genuine

What whatever

I didn't know what word to use

That's fine

Okay

Whatevs

Whatevs

Is that better?

Yeah

So they go

She's looking for you

And I'm like

I think I'm in trouble already. Right? Because I have to, I felt some friction in the last year.
Between you and her? Yeah. Yeah.
I felt some friction in the last year and I didn't know where it was coming from and it kind of hurt me, you know when i would see her we wouldn't lock eyes

we'd avoid each other you know and i was like well this is fucking weird but it is what it is so last night she comes up to me and she gives me a bottle of wine i you know i don't she doesn't know i'm sober but and she gave me a letter and the letter read something to the effect of, I have it in my house.

Thank you for supporting me over the years.

I love you.

It's just something about,

I'm glad you're in my life and all that stuff.

And she gave me some money.

There was a check, right?

Yeah.

Which I'm not going to.

You don't need to talk about it.

Yeah, I'm not going to. But she was thanking you.

I'm not going to cash it in.

She was thanking you. I'm going to frame, actually, the letter and the check.
You can always cash it in. No, I'm not going to.
Just cash it in. Can I have it back? No, it's fine.
But I just, that moment was like, and she kissed me on the cheek. Nearly almost cried.
And I, you know, I could see her trying to change. I don't know what it is.
I don't know what she's going through, but it really meant a lot to me. Well, it's great.
Maybe the time when you thought she was being weird is she was going through something else, and you didn't know. We don't know what people go through.
That's right. You know what I mean? But it was a really nice gesture, and that's why I called you.
Shout out to Les. Yeah.
Shout out to Leslie. She's the best.
She's always had a crush on me.

Really?

Yeah.

Ask her.

I can't imagine that.

Her and I?

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

She would tell her to be top.

She'd be top.

No, there's no rolling around.

We'd roll around.

She's top.

We'd roll around.

Yeah, and you're on your stomach.

Cute.

I mean, can you imagine?

She's pulling me from the back. Yeah, and there's tears.
It's called the doorbell. Yeah.
From the back. Oh, I'm crying.
Oh, you're crying for sure. Well, and then, you know what? One day we'll get married.
And then her and I will have a registry and you'll have to buy the most expensive thing that I put on there. And now a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp.
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Did you listen to what he just said? He said go to HelloFresh.com slash BadFriends16 and use that code BadFriends16 for 16 free meals across seven boxes and three free gifts hello fresh america's number one meal kit i can't imagine what your registry is gonna be when when me and leslie jones get married yeah i can't imagine it what would it be i don't want to go there because yeah you don't you know i mean that's a trick question well let's look at this registry we obviously can't. I think I've seen that guy before.
Well, we're not going to show the picture or say their names. Okay, let's see what they got, though.
When it says sort by, do most expensive, price high to low. Whoa.
Yeah. I didn't even go there.
Sort by, price high to low. All right.
Here we go. $600.
What is that? Oklahoma Joe's. Let's get her to the first thing, whatever that thing is.
Highland Reserve Flow. It looks like a fantastic meth lab.
Like a high-tech lab. Doesn't that look like a high-tech meth lab? You know what, Bobby? Because of your love of animals, you should get the Litter Robot 3 Connect.
That's a cat. It's like a cat house.
Oh, let's get that. What is it? It's for the litter.
Or they want a three-ply stainless steel cookware set. Huge.
Yeah. They want travel bags, obviously, because they want to travel.
They need two of them. And then it's always furniture.
It's always furniture. It's always furniture, yeah.
So let's go back to the top one because Bobby's interested in that. So do you want to buy the $600 Oklahoma Joe's Highland Reserve Flow, 879 square inch black horizontal? Well, since I don't know them at all, let's get the second thing.
You want to get them the cat? Yeah, because I like cats. Okay.

Buy now.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, let's buy that.

That's cool.

But this is from you.

Yeah, so how are we going to do it?

Are we going to use our credit card?

Yeah.

Okay.

They listen to this podcast.

Okay, there we go.

Oh, well, then fuck, they're going to know what they're going to get then. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But that's exciting.

That is exciting.

Do they need like a mat or anything like that?

All right, Carlos, slow the fuck down.

Carlos. Yeah.
He's like, they want the super one, right? The oversized? What color do they want? They didn't say, huh? Litter robot. Let's get the black.
The black is cool. Yeah, the black one looks tight.
That looks dope. Oh, it's gray? Whatever it is.
Get that? Are they big cat people? They must be with a litter box like that. That's a sick litter box.
That's almost unnecessary, but I like it. I like it a lot.
It's like from Star Wars. Whoa, look at that.
That does look like a Star Wars. Yeah.
Boop, boop, boop, boop. I have cat poop in me.
It tells you. I have cat poop in me.
It almost as if they wouldn't know to go in there. Well, yeah, it looks a little deceiving.
Yeah, it looks a little ominous. Can you imagine? We pay $600 for this thing and the cat never uses it? They'll never use it.
No.

Is that a bad idea? What if we get in the barbecue?

Does it come with the white girl? I'd buy it then.

Imagine if you got

that white girl. That'd be great.
Go to details. Scroll

over to the right. It says, to the right there,

go up. It says,

stop scooping cat litter forever while giving your kitty

a clean bed of litter for

each use. A better litter box for

everyone. White girl not included.

Wow, there it is. I guess she doesn't come.
Oh, the white

Thank you. Stop scooping cat litter forever while giving your kitty a clean bed of litter for each use.
A better litter box for everyone. White girl not included.
Wow, there it is. I guess she doesn't come.
Oh, fuck. They're just saying white girls can use it too.
Can they though? She's waiting to get in. Oh, she's next.
Yeah, she's waiting. Is that why she's taking a picture? She's like, get out of my house, bitch.
She does like I'm saying. Scoot over, bitch.
She's sitting like she's holding in a shit.

Yeah.

White girls always sit like that.

Oh, they do?

Yeah.

And what is that called?

You know.

Crisscross applesauce. Crisscross applesauce.

We used to call it Indian style.

You can't say that anymore.

Why not?

Well.

No, no, no.

Let's address that.

Okay.

I'm continuing to say Indian style.

You're on a show about Native Americans.

Okay. Cr'm continuing to say Indian style.
You're on a show about Native Americans. Okay.
Crisscross. Yeah.
Crisscross. Indian style.
Look, that was a way to sit on the floor. Legs cross.
Now a popular phrase used is crisscross applesauce. Indian style is considered offensive in 2021.
Well, 2022. So I guess it's not offensive anymore.
No, but Indian. But let me just say, though, it's not like it's not a term that's making fun of them, it's just a cool way of sitting yeah it's like sitting you know how Asians like to break everything you know how Asians like to sit like this well you crouch Asians love to crouch that Asians love to crouch.
If they called this Asian style, I wouldn't be offended. That sounds awesome.
Asian style? Asian style. But see, Asian style has been used to describe a version of food.
Yeah. Like it's good.
Like Buffalo Wild Wings is like Asian style. That's like a cool thing to have.
Oh, so back in the day, you think Indian style was a way that people killed them? Like, let's kill them Indian style.

What if they made them sit down crisscross applesauce while they killed them?

Oh, yeah.

Then, okay.

See?

Crisscross applesauce. See, you got to think about it.

Crisscross applesauce is so long, but okay.

I'll do it.

Crisscross applesauce.

What's a quicker way to say cross-legged?

Crisscross.

Applesauce.

But crisscross was a great group.

We don't know if that's a hip-hop group that you're referring to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
You know what I mean? Are those prescription? Yes. Wow, that's cool.
So do you wear contacts ever or no? No. Oh, just those.
I just wear these. I love these glasses, but someday I'm going to have to.
Yeah. Yeah.
What do you mean? Get LASIK? No, like I get really attached to things. I don't know if you guys get like that.
Like these shoes I got right when I started working at the store, and I'm going to wear them out. Same with these glasses.
I'll wear them until they fall off my face. I don't get attached to stuff.
You do a little bit. Oh, I get romantically involved.
Yeah, you like stuff. I get like, there's a personal, I remember there was a car that I drove from San Diego and I moved to LA.
It was a truck. And I remember I was opening for Mencia on the road and I parked at the airport.
And it was like on its last legs. Once I parked it, I know it's dead.
That was it. That was it.
So I remember being in that parking lot at LAX looking at it and I remember weeping. Oh, yeah.
I relate to that. Because of all the experience I had with that fucking truck.
That truck saved my fucking life. I don't have any attachment to things.
Yeah, yeah. You could burn my whole house down tonight as long as nobody I loved was inside of it.
I don't give a fuck. There's not socks or parachutes or there's nothing.
I mean this when I say this. Yeah.
If my house caught on fire and no one I loved is inside of it, i don't i wouldn't even think i would be like what's the insurance gonna pay out what are we gonna get really i couldn't care what about like what about this what about like i've never had i've never had a home you know how you had a home i broke my mom's heart one time when i said my our house uh doesn't feel like a home it feels like a house and she fucking couldn't because I've never felt that home so I just like things and places I don't time I really cherish moments of time I'm super what's that word when you get sentimental about the past or the moments in time nostalgic super nostalgic dude but honestly I don't know you grew up in a home. Your home in San Diego.
Yeah, but there's things that mean stuff. Like, for instance, I was at an AA meeting once, right? And this old-timer.
No, a million times. But this old-timer, his name is Chris.
He got his birthday cake. And he had like 40 years of sobriety, right? And I was a newcomer, right? and he took a candle off of the cake and he gave it to me and he goes this candle is yours I hope you stay sober and I put that candle in my pocket I still have that candle didn't stay sober though that's true it didn't work it didn't work but I still have the candle I don't mean so much to what you mean.
In fact, okay, so I have small things like that, but they're very rare.

Like my dad gave me a stone.

Are you being real?

I swear to God.

Yeah.

A little tiny stone.

He gave one to me and my sister one year for some reason.

And he had some great limerick behind it.

But I just liked it a lot.

And I kept it in my pocket for every time I did stand up for years and years.

Where's the stone?

It's gone.

Where is it?

Where is it?

I threw it away.

I got tired of it.

If you want to see the video No, I do have it. It's in my desk drawer.
Check this out. Yeah.
I got a dragonfly from my mom in my pocket. Look at that.
And I bring it on stage or anywhere I go. It's a similar.
So if I stole that, that would bum you out. She'd fight fight you it's weird like I can detach but I do like hold yeah like I like having this no yeah I like the stone is in my desk drawer at my house it sits in my desk it's in the very front I know where it is I just it's very rare it's just very rare that I have those things can I tell you the most precious thing I have? Me? Aside from that.
You roll your eyes. Yeah.
You don't think I'm one of the most precious things in your life? No. Absolutely not.
Are you fucking serious? I enjoy it. You enjoy me? Yeah, I enjoy you.
You don't think I bring ultimate levels of joy and nuance and comedy? I believe you meet certain people at certain times for certain reasons.

And you're a part of that.

God bless you. It's schematic.

Okay, so give me what's precious to you.

Okay, so 20 years ago, my mom, she was in tears.

And she goes, in Korean, she said,

basically, I can't speak English that well, right?

And I don't know how to write in English, right?

And I've never been

expressed to you

how I felt about you,

right? But I wrote it

in Korean, and when I die,

get it translated. It's a

two-page letter written in Korean.

Do you have it? I have it in my house.

And I haven't gotten it translated because

obviously he's still alive. But

I will get it translated. Can I tell you something? What? What if it said, fuck you? You're the worst.
I really think in my heart, you should never translate it. But just get it framed.
Why? Because there's something great about the unknown. It's almost like the chase is better than the kill.
It's like the idea of not knowing means more than knowing for some reason like you'll know what it means by the feeling you have for it more so than the direct translation because look what happens look what happens in english dear bobby i'm gone now take care uh of stevie goodbye and in korean you know yeah so it doesn't sound as pretty. Right.
It would be the reverse though, but yeah, you're right. It just doesn't sound as pretty.

Right.

It would be the reverse, though.

But yeah, you're right.

It just doesn't sound as pretty.

Right.

And you know it's going to be because we're lost in translation will happen with Korean

to English.

Yeah.

So it'll read so weird.

Yeah, you're right.

It won't have the same.

Miss you, I will, Bobby, son, mine.

Yeah, yeah.

It'll just be fucking annoying.

You're right.

So I think don't get a transcript. I'll frame it.
Frame it. Yeah.
And let it live in your house for the rest of your life. Oh my god.
Yeah. Do you have anything like that? No.
I don't have nothing like that. I know when my dad had to take care of his dad's funeral and everything, it was so messy that he's like giving me his card to his financial he's like when when i when i die just call this guy he's got like the business card oh right i don't want it to be a mess for you oh wow so he has it all taken care of that's what he says i don't yeah i'm like why he constantly tells me i'll like i'll be fine when he's dead i'm like i don't want to jesus i.
But it's because his dad left him with such a mess to take care of. See, that's not fair.
Will he leave money, you think? He tells me all the time that he's going to leave me a bunch of money and stuff. How much do you think? How much do you think? I have no idea.
Is he rich? I think so, but he's so frugal that I have no... He was a rocket scientist.
He's retired now. Oh, wow.
So he's got to have a lot of money. But he didn't want to go to a show in North Carolina because he was worried about the two-drink minimum.
But I think that was more about the principle. Right.
Because it's like, no one tells me to drink two drinks. I'm drinking four, but you don't tell me to drink two.
Yeah. That's how people at the store are.
They're like, why is there a two-drink minimum? And you're like, you had seven drinks. Yeah.
What the fuck are you... drinks what the fuck are you talking about you were going to get wasted anyway and also oh I don't drink fine then you just buy two waters or whatever or when you put somebody on the list and they ask that dude I had friends I put them on the list and then they go why do we have to take two drinks this is a $30 ticket bitch well you know what I do now to not deal with that anymore? I usually tell the servers.
I say, hey, you know, a comics tab, like give the comics discount because they're my table and just put it on my credit card. Yep.
Well, that's what you do. Yeah, because I don't want to fucking deal with it.
Yeah. Yeah.
And so that way when they're drunk and annoying, I can be like, go get you guys. You have to.
Okay. You leave now.
Oh, yeah. Or the worst is you get a call me plus one.
And then right before you on we're here but it's 15 other people yeah no yeah fuck that and then you're like what you don't get in yeah I know then I have to go to the fucking not me it's so loud but what can we do it's so annoying it's so annoying by the way we had some guests the last one I saw you know Rec was there with Dumbfounded oh yeah who's Rec oh you don't know uh uh that was who was with me in beef who played with me in beef he was with Dumbfounded. Oh, yeah.
Who's Rec? Oh, you don't know. Uh-uh.
That was who was with me in Beef, who played with me in Beef. He was with Dumbfounded.
Did you go say hi to them? I did. So that was the guy that replaced me on Beef? He didn't replace you.
My enemy? He played you. No.
Was that him? That was Rec. Right.
Yeah. I'm glad I had a good set.
He's the fucking man show him He's not a stand up Doesn't matter I had to show him First of all he loves you I had to show him Okay he loves you I know Why can't I show though? You can show how good you are You're a great comic Everybody fucking knows That's why he went to see you Yeah yeah He thinks you're incredible Did I shake his hand? I didn't Good I didn't I didn't I kind of gave him a pound And by. Such a grudge.
I love it. You hold a grudge.
I love it. That's my energy.
Is it? It's what keeps me up. It's what keeps me going.
It's that energy. It's like, I'll show you.
I'll show you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll show you. What happens when you run out of people to show? Oh, I make them up.
I make up people. I do i'll go who's the guy you know countless studies have shown yeah holding grudges and keeping negative feelings is bad for your mental health oh i know you know what's gonna happen to you what you're gonna have a psychotic break no i'm not yes you are let me ask you something let's be real because you you have your ear in the local comedy scene, especially at the store, right?

Sure, yeah.

Yeah, so in terms of do you think people think that I'm going to have a psychotic break, that Bobby Lee's like manic and he's on the edge?

Everyone I've heard says that you're like getting shit together.

But I will say before this podcast, you did approach me on the stairs outside and said tonight's the night i get murdered and then you like jokingly jabbed your keys at me when did i say that just before 25 minutes ago right before andrew pulled up and i was like thank god he just pulled up oh yeah i did do that yeah i go tonight tonight you get murdered i grab The keys, yeah, yeah, I did do that.

Yeah, I go, tonight, tonight, you get murdered, and I grab the keys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Jerry is still up.

Did you really think that if Andrew didn't show up that you would be murdered?

No.

Yeah, I wasn't going to hurt you.

Oh, I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, you know.

It's so interesting that you wouldn't even bring that up.

Yeah.

Wait, it's weird she would bring it up?

Yeah.

We just talked about you having a psychotic break.

It makes perfect sense.

Yeah, and you said be honest, be real.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Okay, my bad.

And she is honest and real.

What's Andrew's reputation, you think?

You know, you hung out the other night for the first time in a long time.

That was cool.

Yeah.

I usually just don't hang out.

You know what I did last night?

What?

I went to Tate's.

Tate's.

I went to Pink Dot and I bought, you know, you sometimes leave something for the servers.

Yeah.

And I left a bag of Tate's blueberry chocolate chip cookies. By the way, you know Tate's? You know Tate's cookies? Yeah.
The chocolate chips are the best. They just made blueberry and I ate two bags this weekend.
Like a fat piece of shit. I've never even heard of that.
I like Tate's. Tate's is the best.
And they have a blueberry. They just made blueberry and I'm not kidding.
Oh my god Oh my god We gotta get some for the show Like a fat piece of shit I ripped through it And I got sad Because when I finished The first one Yeah I knew I was gonna get Another one Can I say something You look fatter today I know You really do look pudgy Or like bloated a little bit I got swollen I've been swollen This weekend was a swollen weekend Yeah Yeah Viator Andrew the worst thing is When you're on a vacation and you look at your partner, whoever you're with, your compadres, and you go, what do we do today? We don't know. No one planned anything? No one planned anything, but that's why now I have Viator.
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I buy every single brand on Amazon sunsflower seeds. Oh.
Right? Every Taco Bell flavor. Mm.
Spicy hamburger flavor. Right? Flamin' bacon.
Mm-hmm. Right? Flamin' bacon's so good.
So fucking good. Flamin' bacon.
So good. Cheddar dill.
Oh. Right? I get them all.
Right? But I have high blood pressure, so I'm on blood medication. You are? High blood pressure medication.
And I eat so much, I can't feel my neck is so stiff. But I can't stop.
You can't. And I think I'm going to have a stroke.
So I'll keep eating. I got to get flaming.
Flaming bacon. We'll see what that flavor, right? Okay.
And then I have jars of seed shells. Just jars of it on my fucking nightstand.
Uh fucking nightstand Numbness in your neck It's usually caused by an issue with a spinal cord or other nerves You're having a spinal cord issue You're having nerve damage I'm having nerve damage from it Okay so if you die from eating sunflower seeds Can we make your tombstone a sunflower seed bag? How about one large sunflower seed? That's cute what flavor asian style there is no asian style flavor look up yes there is we should create you should make it no we should create our own flavors of sunflower seeds bad friend sunflower seeds yeah i'm being real i'm so down because there's certain flavors they don't have they always fuck with hamb hamburgers. I like that one, Tacos Fregos.

That's a good one.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, Tacos Fregos is good.

Yeah, yeah.

But like Mongolian beef.

Imagine Mongolian beef.

How about General Chow's chicken?

Is it Chow or Chow?

Jennifer Chow.

Whatever.

Jennifer Chow?

Yeah, Jennifer Chow's chicken.

What about like chocolate?

What?

Like chocolate.

You know what? Sweet. Sweet's going to be tough with that.
No, but with sweet and salty though, caramel. Caramel seed? Caramel is better than chocolate when it comes to the sweet and salty stuff.
Yeah. So caramel.
How about caramel? Can we go caramel? We can go. Yeah.
I'll budge on that. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Look at all those flavors right there. The sunflower seeds, ultimate variety pack.
I think we need to get that for the studio for Bob. Yeah.
Yeah. Can we do that? Let me see.
Zoom in on some of those flavors. But Biggs is not my favorite.
No, Biggs is not the best. It's not the best.
David is clutch, but... Yeah.
No, David's not even the clutch one. No, no, no, but I'm saying it's old school.
It's reliable. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you guys see this? Look at my face. What? Oh, did you have a stroke? No.
Did you see the movie? Good, Bad, and the Ugly? No, no, no. It's new.
I only know this because I listen to your... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what is it? Elvis. Yeah.
Did you see it? Do it again. No, that just looks like you had a stroke.
Yeah, it looks like you had a stroke. Oh.
Elvis. Elvis is this.
This is Liv. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Did you see it? No. Why? And I won't.
Why? I don't support Baz Luhrmann or whatever the fuck. What? Is it Baz Luhrmann? Baz Luhrmann.
Yeah, it is. I'm kidding.
I have no reason. I just don't...
I don't... No, I'm kidding.
I just don't give Baz Luhrmann or whatever the fuck. Is it Baz Luhrmann? Baz Luhrmann, yeah.

Yeah, it is.

I'm kidding.

I have no reason.

I just don't.

I don't know.

I'm kidding.

I just don't give a fuck about that.

It was good, I'll say.

I didn't care to see it.

Yeah, but is it about his life when he gets fat and dies?

Yeah.

It's the whole thing.

But they show the drugs.

They show the fucking drugs.

Oh, they show it all.

They show it all, baby.

I want to see the gross part is all that.

Why can't we just have the time period when he dies?

Also, this guy, I've heard he was good in the movie he was so good i don't like the way he was really good he looks strange he also doesn't look like elvis in the movie don't do there were times where i like uh-huh no they're stretching so fucking hard it's fine because you're not gonna find someone that looks exactly like him. Yeah.
Look at that. No.
That looks like Elvis with plastic surgery.

It does.

That does.

It looks like fucking L.A. Elvis.

It's like it's Elvis after he lost an important role and he was like, I'm going to get him back.

Yeah.

But I thought his performance was good.

I heard he did great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm never going to see it.

Wow.

I love how stubborn you are.

Fuck Elvis.

I don't like him.

He fucking stinks.

I thought his shit stunk. Fuck Elvis.
He stole music from black people. Fuck him.
Whoa, dude. I don't like him.
I don't like that people love him, too. Yeah.
He's a stinker pinker. Name the song that you love to listen to by Elvis.
What? We're suspicious, but. Yeah.
Shut up. Wise man sings.
Only free fools rush in trash. Yeah, I love that.
Okay. Ain't nothing but a hound dog.
Trash. Whoa.
Whoa, dude. Crying all the time.
Shut up, trash. Fuck Elvis.
Fuck, all right, fuck it. Fuck Elvis.
Wait, so you prefer the Beatles better? Are the Beatles better than Elvis? Yeah. It's not even a fucking conversation.
All right. Of course they are.
The Beatles. The Beatles.
I just said the Beatles. Yes.
Oh, they're way better. It's not even in the same con.
It's like the Beatles. You know what the Beatles are to Elvis? You to a person who's thinking about starting comedy.
No, that's so crazy. Yes, it is.
Wow. Yes, it is.
No, it's not. The gap between Elvis and the Beatles is not even fucking close.
Wow. How many number one hits did the fucking Beatles have? How many number one hits did fucking Elvis have? Yeah.
All right. How many number one songs did the Beatles fucking have? But he's the king of rock and roll.
He was the first guy. He was the king.
He was the king because he owned slaves. What? What? That wasn't in the movie.
That wasn't in the movie. He owned slaves.
I didn't see that in see that. We didn't see that part of the movie.
Graceland? Yeah, yeah. Graceland is all, it was a slave house.
Graceland, not Raceland. No, it was Raceland.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
What? The Beatles had 20 number one hits. Elvis had 18.
18. There it is.
20 to 18. That's close.
No, it's not even close. There was no one else making music around Elvis time.
Yeah, but it's so funny because I can only name like maybe eight Elvis songs. You just did.
You named all four. Yeah, yeah.
But I can name probably 80 Beatles songs. Yeah.
We could go through all the Beatles albums right now and name off almost every song. Probably.
You can't name shit from Elvis. Yeah, probably.
That's interesting. I'm sorry.
Jailhouse rock. What about the Stones? What's better, the Stones or the Beatles? I'm still going to side with the Beatles.
I think so, too. I like the Stones.
I love the Stones. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Still going to go with the Beatles. What about you? Beatles.
Yeah, Beatles again. So what you guys are saying to me is, do you think, and let's say it here at Bad Friends.
The Beatles are the greatest rock band ever, period. I've always said that.
Period. I've always said that.
People argue. No, the Stones.
Nope. No way.
No. The Beatles, here's what proved it to me.
What the Beatles did categorically, like the levels of fucking what they went through musically, like just super different sounds. The change.
Yeah. It's nuts.
Yeah, they were relevant through their time. Did the Stones do that? I don't know.
A little bit they did. A little.
They did Ruby Tuesday and then they got a little bit like Jumping Jack Flash. You know what I mean? But I just, the Beatles

went through such, it's just like tidal

waves of different kinds of music during

different times. The Beatles are king.
And

the Beatles have albums that are

notoriously good

from beginning to end.

Like Abbey Road, right?

I think Exile Main

Street, which is a Stones album, is pretty

good from beginning to end, but I can't say that

about the rest of the other albums. I just think they

Thank you. like Abbey Road right I think Exile Main Street which is a Stones album is pretty good from beginning to end but I can't say that about the rest of the other albums I just think the amount of bangers that those kids made is just stupid and to think you know what's crazy I'm sad they're not making any more albums they're all alive and kicking around it's like why don't they make another album yeah yeah yeah what are they doing they're just hanging out? How did Pete Best live with himself? How? I would have take a fucking shotgun muzzle into my mouth and pulled the trigger.
I mean, that's the worst decision ever made of anything. Ever.
Those guys that ran Chernobyl, not even close to what Pete Best did. Pete Best fucked up.
Can you imagine? I want to let people know who Pete Best is. Do you know who that is? I've just figured it out in context.
Let me guess. Can I guess? He had a chance to play with the Beatles.
He was in the Beatles. He was the Beatles drummer and he turned to the rest of the guys and went, I want to go back to art school.
He literally was like, it's not working out. And then they went, oh, we got to find something.
They found Ringo. It's not working out.
It's not working out. It's not working out.
Then two years, he could have waited. Two fucking years.
They're the biggest thing on planet earth. And he's in art school with a fucking shotgun muzzle to his mouth.
What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have killed myself.
Do you know what's insane, though, when you think about it? When you look at him, it looks like he doesn't fit. That's what's even more creepy.
Yeah, he doesn't look like he fits. When you look at the Fudo, when you look at the Fudo, that's the Japanese version.
When you look at the Fudo, he just looks like he doesn't belong. He doesn't belong.
For some reason, he looks like Johnny Cash. He does look like Johnny Cash.
Yeah, that's what it is. It's like he doesn't belong.
That's 99 cent store Johnny Cash. Yeah, yeah.
It's like, what are we doing here? Yeah.

Yeah, see, he's thinking about fucking art school.

That's his problem.

That's what he's thinking about right now.

I can't wait to get out of this thing.

When you said a shotgun muzzle in the mouth, by the way, you can't pull your trigger so

far away to use your toe.

How do you get down there?

What do you mean?

Well, the muscles up here, your hands are holding it.

Right.

So the muzzle's in my mouth.

Right.

And the trigger's way down there.

You got to put your toe down.

I don't think you can reach.

Well, I create an apparatus. Oh.
So what I would do is... A little Rube Goldberg? Like a pancake thing pops up, a light falls, you know those things? Yeah, yeah.
It would be a little ball, go through a Lego set. By the way, the funniest suicide video on Earth, if you Rube Goldberg your own suicide.
Yeah. You'd have to just sit there with your truck on your mouth.
And if one domino fell the wrong way, you're like, fuck, fuck. Yeah, yeah.
He's been trying to kill himself, my brother, for like a year because he can't get that rude Goldberg to figure itself out. Yeah.
Goes down the xylophone. Yeah.
I've always wanted to make one of those. Can we make one? Let's do a bad friend's Rube.
What's it called? I think it's called a Rube Goldberg, right? A Rube Goldberg. I didn't know that had a name.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who the fuck is Rube Goldberg, by the way? The first idiot to try it, I guess.
Rube. By the way, if we find out he was trying to kill himself and just wanted a way to have time to think about it, that's what it is.
He made that so he's like, I just don't want to die yet. think about the way i want to goldberg himself the world's most famous newspaper cartoonist draws animated cartoons for path these films would make so he was a fucking right so he had a brilliant brain of drawing cartoons and like had a great imagination so he made a machine just to waste time i love those they're so ingenious have you seen those on youtube there's on YouTube that are legitimately like three minutes long of just of waste time.
I love those. They're so ingenious.
Have you seen those on YouTube? They're so ingenious.

There's ones on YouTube

that are legitimately like three minutes long

of just a track through someone's entire house.

And outside someone's backyard,

back in the house.

It's insanity.

Biggest dude.

Type in biggest Rube Goldberg machine ever.

And I want to see how long it takes

to get through all that stuff.

Because it's got to be just,

how long is that one? Epic chain reaction. What is that? Four minutes.
Four fucking four minutes, dude. Of course it's an Asian guy.
It's Asian guy. Of course it is.
How could it not be? By the way, it started... Rube was a white guy.
That Asian guy can't even say Rube Goldberg. Say it.
Rube Goldberg. I mean, look at that alone.
Whoa, dude. And you're just waiting with the shock yeah I mean it's just maybe that's how they create the names Asian names ping pong some guy writing down what always blows my mind is when it's multiple things at once look at that look at that at that.
Look at that. That's insane.
Right, like that.

Oh, my God.

That has to fall to pull the thing.

There's no way we'll be able to do it, dude.

No, we'll never be able to pull this off.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not an engineer.

Is there anybody we know that's smart enough to waste time doing this?

Like, do we have any autistic friends?

With Glassman.

Glassman could do this.

I think Glassman could do it.

Because an autistic kid can see this in his mind, I'm sure.

I just don't have the – I don't know how to – I wouldn't know where to start.

It's a lot of marbles, though.

So,

I'm going. I just don't have the – I don't know how to – I wouldn't know where to start.

It's a lot of marbles, though.

So imagine you're going to cure yourself at the end here where there's a shock in your mouth, right?

And they always tape these things.

You have to tape them, right?

But is your friend filming or you just set up a camera?

And what if you had the muzzle to your mouth and the camera's not even on you?

He fucks up in some way, you know what I mean?

Can we do it again? Yeah. He just gets a text message right as the last thing falls.
This is absurd. It's not as sexy looking as some of the other ones.
It's very intricate. Look at that thing.
That's insane. Oh my God.
Did you ever create anything like that when you were in school? Did you ever have to do like an elaborate diorama or some bullshit like that? Remember how did we make those things for like fairs?

Did you ever do like a school fair?

You didn't have to do that?

I mean, we had to.

I never did it.

You just bailed on all that shit. Yeah.

I was going to say, fuck it.

You were a good kid.

You did all the things that you needed to do.

Yeah.

We had one where you had to like drop an egg off the building and somehow build an apparatus

so it wouldn't break.

So it wouldn't break.

I remember that.

You don't remember that. I never did it.
I never did it. Everybody had to do that.
I never did it. You had to make like an egg apparatus so it wouldn't break i remember that you don't remember that i never did it everybody had to do that i never did it you had to make like an egg pillow so it wouldn't crack no i um then one of the kids that we went to school with fell off the building when he was doing it no yeah fell off and died what are you talking about fell off and died at your school that was his name at your school that's what happened i set her up for the joke.
He had a great fall. That's a good bit.
That's a good bit. That bit was 17th century.
By the way, you know what's insane about Humpty Dumpty? What? All the king's horses and all the king's men. Yeah.
Oh, my God. They went to go put him back together again.
But it's nuts because what does the king have to do with this egg guy? And if he cared so much about Eggman, why didn't he even let him live in the castle with him? Here is this egg guy. Look at this poor bastard.
Yeah. He's got to sit on a fucking wall.
Look at that fucking guy. So the king has relegated this guy to sitting on a wall all day being embarrassed in front of the townspeople.
At some point he gets tired and falls. He's not going to...
He can't sleep. Let's be honest though.
Let's be honest, right? We're human beings, right? If there was Eggman, they would be fifth-class citizens. I don't know.
They could be entertained. We're kind of Eggman.
Like if we were at a restaurant, we saw Egg people. We'd be like, can we change tables? That's so diggited.
I'm just saying. Are you Eggphobic? Yeah, I'm Eggphobic, dude.
I need to change. You know what I mean? The guy's eating an omelet.
Oh, he's eating someone else. Yeah, yeah.
How is that Eggman eating an omelet? That's fucking crazy if he's eating bacon is that chill I guess so that would be mine Didn't the Beatles have a song about the Eggman Yeah Yes they do The greatest band of all time See even now we can find a way to get back to the Beatles That's how good they were You can go so obscure about egg about egg people. We can talk about walruses, Beatles.
You can find a way to get back. Strawberry fields.
Beatles. You can always get back.
Get back to where you want to go. You guys didn't get that? You had to have Pete get that? Get back.
I said we can always get back. Did you mean to do that? Yes! Fuck! Get back to where you want.
You know what that song's about. You know what that song's about, don't you? What is it? That's in reference to the police.
Like Sting? Yes. No, the police abusing black people and immigrants and saying, go back to where you came from.
Oh, shit. Yeah.
Scumbags. Yeah, so basically, I don't think the king would care if the egg man fell

time out

why did he send so many horses and all of his men

obviously he cared about egg man

you think he might have been related to him

it was his brother they didn't talk anymore

is the king an egg man too?

was the king an egg man

I don't fucking know

if they were like egg people

what if he was half egg?

he could be half egg

he was ashamed of his egg half

let's zoom in on these fucking lyrics

Thank you. That would be, if they were like egg people.
What if he was half egg? He could be half egg. He was ashamed of his egg half.
Yeah. Let's see.
Zoom in on these fucking lyrics. He had a great fall.
All the kids' horses, all the kids' men couldn't put them together again. So he was like, go try to fix my brother.
Yeah. And they could never do it.
I mean, it's impossible. To fix a broken egg? It's impossible.
It's kind of like when JFK's head came out. It was like, you couldn't scoop that back in.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's similar. I mean, when you watch her doing it.
I wouldn't use that, you know what I mean, Reverend. Well, when you see her doing it, you're like, what are you? She was scooping his head.
I know. It's too dark.
I wasn't there. You weren't there.
I know. But I can't imagine what Jackie witnessed.
It's nuts. I mean, what would you do? If my significant other was in the car next to me and got shot in the head like that Yeah and it's Oh first of all I'll never sleep again No Sleeping is no longer a thing Sleep no more Yeah sleep no more Nightmares Constant nightmares Constant nightmares Daymares Daymares I mean you would have daymares Yeah for sure All day long you'd be like Ah Yeah So afraid of everything Yeah I don't know how to function If I saw that next to me.
No. But then wouldn't you...
And here's why.

Wouldn't you as Mr. Revenge

spend the rest of your life

trying to find the people that did it?

But they know that the guy that did it...

Guys, plural.

The one guy that they thought that did it

didn't really do it.

I know he didn't.

There was other...

Right, so there's a...

And you have to spend the rest of your life

knowing the guys that did it

are never going to be found.

Never.

Never.

Fuck.

Because they're the shadowy people.

The shadowmen? Yeah, shadowmen did. What if Humpty Dumpty didn't fall? I never thought of that.
Fuck! I think he got pushed. Bro? Bro.
Whoa. Do who? Who pushed Humpty Dumpty? Jack Ruby, man.
No. Oh, shit.
That filthy son of a bitch. Killed two people.
Or the king did it and it was all inside jobs oh and the king was like get all my men and all my horses and help yeah the king dude the king and the egg were smoking a little something something what would he be smoking having a laugh huh what opium okay no something something is vague others have suggested that Humpty Dumpty is King Richard III of England Who is supposed to have been humpbacked And who was defeated At the Battle of Bosworth Field So it's mocking King Richard III Oh And he's British And you know what that means What I don't know Me either There he is Me either He does have an egg face He does Go to that picture The realistic looking one To the left there Yes Yes He does have an egg face. He does.
Go to that picture, the realistic looking one to the left there. Yes, that's it.
He does have an egg face. That's just a white guy.
That's what they look like. That's kind of what we look like.
Yeah, yeah. That's just a plain old white guy.
But his chin is eggy. That's your skin color.
No, his shape is eggy. Yeah, he's got like an oval shaped face.
Well, then you're saying Jay Leno has a fucking... You better believe it.
Yeah. He's more scrambled than anything else.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
No, no. I see.
He's poached. Is that the king's skull? Yeah, that's King Richard III's skull.
Whoa. Wow, why they kept the skull? They always keep the skulls.
Oh, so when Queen Elizabeth died, they're going to keep the skull? You better believe it. What do you believe it.
You mean when she dies? She died? She's been dead for 15 years. No, no, not the queen now.
Yeah, he's talking about- She's been dead for 15 years. No, she's not.
I am fully in on the conspiracy theory that she is AI. Yeah, but she's still alive, technically.
No, I think they found a body double and manipulated it. All right, fine, but the regular people, the people that aren't in QAnon, i'm not in q yeah you do dude you're catch q shit that's q shit dude that's insurrectionist shit no no so she's still alive right she's like 100 years i'm in you by the way not q you we're ahead of q okay she's been dead for so long but which one is you know why i know about, the show The Crown.
Yeah. I will never.
I love that show. I've never seen it.
It's so good. May not, will not.
Oh my God, it's so good. The Crown's amazing.
I don't support the British. Elvis.
It's all the dark shit too, bro. It's all the weird dark shit.
The Diana shit. All that dark shit.
What about the incest? There was no incest, man. Oh, they skipped over the incest? Oh, they fucked each other? Do you mean there's no incest in the royal family prince charles looks like that not from incest he's just a fucked up looking dude google incest in the royal family the whole their whole they're predicated their whole history is about fucking incest their whole shit they fucked each other is the royal family inbred you better believe it look what it says queen elizabeth second prince philip do share two common lineages this would make theages.
This would make the most inbred living British royals their children. Yeah, but if it's like second, third cousins, it's okay.
No, it's not. No, Bobby.
Thank you, Jeske. It is okay if it's second or third cousin.
If you're justifying something that you did with your cousins, leave it out of the show. No, I'm not doing that.
I'm defending the people. Did you fuck one of your cousins? No, I'm defending the people that are in love with their second or third cousin.
No, I'm not defending these people. That's insane.
All right. I'm going to say right now, okay, there's no fucking scientific proof that if you make love and have a baby with your third cousin that the baby's going to come out all whack.
I wish, I want to see the scientific proof that says he is whack. Baby came out whack.
Ask, can you have babies with your third cousin? I mean, you can. And will they come out whack? Will they come out whack? And will they come out whack? I feel like the probability is my time.
In short, yes. It is legal for second and third cousins to marry in the U.S.
Beyond that, state laws get a little more complicated, according to the National Conference. Bingo.
So it's not against the law. 25 states prohibit marriages between first cousins.
That's gross. That's too, the blood is too thick.
It's there. Any blood is gross.
But that's what they like. Here's the.
They like the thick blood. That's right.
That's why they do it. In Arizona, the first cousin is marriage allowed if both parties are 65 or older and no one, and, or, or one of them is infertile.
So they're basically saying if you're too old to have kids or one of them can't have kids,

then you guys might as well

just fuck until you're dead.

You're 65.

That's why a lot of people

retire to Arizona.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

That's a big retirement community.

Proof of genetic counseling

from a genetic counselor in Maine.

All you got to do is prove

that you guys know it

and are okay with it.

Minnesota says,

only certain types, eh?

That's so funny.

What kind of cousins can get married here?

Well, certain types.

Same thing in fucking Wisconsin.

Another fucking sconny said,

if the woman is 55 or older,

it's permanently sterile.

Only both parties are 65 or older.

It's the same thing in Utah.

Wow.

So you got to prove that you can't have kids.

Yeah.

What if you use somebody else's data

to prove you can't have kids just so you can sneak

by the system to have kids with your cousin and they catch you, they put you in jail.

Mm-hmm.

Dope.

Yeah.

But if you make love to your first cousin to have a kid, would they come out weird?

Yes.

Okay.

Because I know brother and sister.

Yeah.

Don't do it.

What?

If you're thinking about it, don't do it.

I don't.

None of my cousins are attractive.

I don't know.

Yeah.

None of them are.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I've never met a second cousin. You've never met a second cousin you've never met a second cousin no huh yeah have you yeah is there a second cousin that you have that's a cute boy no how about third cousin no you wouldn't think it's you won't even think about it they're almost all women okay yeah and still no are you the only good looking one like i there i have a try that's a yes yeah that sounds like-looking one? Like, I have attractive family members.
That's a yes. Yeah, that sounds like a yes.
You have a what? I have attractive family members, but I'd never have thought about wanting to. Sure.
Yeah, yeah. I'm not.
No, you've been defending it since the jump. No, I haven't.
I'm just saying technically I wouldn't do it, but I just think that on paper, third cousin wouldn't be weird. It would be.
I think it'd be a little weird. This is Sally, my wife.
She's a third cousin. Why would you tell everybody? I would have to tell people no.
Well, then it's weird. No.
It's just thrown out there. I don't want to Google it.
Can you imagine at a party? Yeah. Hey, this is my wife Sally.
Hey, Sally. I'm seven.
I'm seven. Yeah.
Sally's my third cousin. Immediately, I don't like those people.
You're right. They're gross.
You wouldn't announce it. No, dude.
How many people are on earth? How many humans are on earth? Billions. Yeah, billions.
Yeah, yeah. Why do you need a cousin? Why do you need a cousin? Let me just propose.
Start driving. Go to a new place.
There are some places, right, in Idaho, right, where they're rural, right, a small community. What if it's like a certain type of religion where it's like we you know they have

their own cult and your options are slim uh-huh right you have second and third cousins running around what are you gonna do leave yeah leave town there's a lot of towns but they don't know because it's like they don't they're not supposed to television they're not supposed what do you mean everybody knows that fucking a family member would be wrong it's like instinctual yeah incestual

yeah okay

it's incestual

it's instinctual. Yeah.
Incestual. Yeah.
Okay. It's incestual instinctual.
It's instinctual. Right.
It's instinctual. Okay.
You know better. I do.
Yeah. What if you made love to somebody that's your brother or sister, but they're not biological.
They were adopted. Well, that's like on every porn site.
It's a fact. Yeah.
Yeah. But by the way, they're adopted.
There's no blood there. That's fine.
I mean, I don't love the idea. So what Woody Allen did was fine.
That's not true. Bated questioning.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, he raised that girl. That's gross.
Okay, that's gross. Okay.
If two people were raised together. I'm just throwing out ideas.
I don't believe anything I say. Check it out i'm a boy my parents my mom remarries and a guy who and a guy who has a girl uh and we find each other attractive which i think happens i'm kind of okay with it because there's no relation they're just strangers that met in its proximity yeah but if there's any sort of family lineage at all.
Yeah. 80th cousin.

Uh-huh.

Gross.

Okay.

What about this scenario?

Gross.

Can I throw it out to you? I bet it's gross.

It probably isn't.

Go.

All right.

I will throw it to you.

Okay.

I feel like it's going to be gross too.

Thank you, Juice.

It's not going to be gross, all right?

Okay.

Let's suppose you were adopted.

Okay.

All right?

And you didn't know your family lineage, right? And you love your adoptive parents. You have a great life, right? You go on Tinder.
You meet a guy, right? You fall on with this guy, right? And you start having sex with the guy. You're really in love.
And then you guys do, you know. A DNA test.
Yeah, you know, Ancestry.com. Like most third dates.
You do a DNA test. Yeah, yeah.
That's the natural progression of things. And you find out your biological brother.
What would you do? Throw up, and then I'm out of there. Yeah, that's it.
You made the mistake. You got to move on.
Even if he begs, like, come on, we have something going. Yeah, I'd be like, we're clearly not meant for each other if we're into this.
But you swallowed my cum. Oh.
Yeah. Insane.
All right, let's flip it on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because we obviously have a proper stance on this. Yeah, yeah.
What would you do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Are you kidding? That's crazy. Here you are single.
You're back out of the dating scene. You date someone.
It turns out your mom had a kid that you didn't know about shush-shush down in San Diego. Different dad.
Same dad. I have the same dad and mom.
It's your sister. My biological sister.
That's what you said to her. Don't give me the same scenario.
I'm just flipping it to make it seem broader. Here your mom and your dad have a girl.
They get rid of her. Here your mom fucks a guy who's cool..
Who's cool. Right.
And the daughter runs away. Yeah.
And fucking she comes to a show. She doesn't know.
Right. You don't know.
She doesn't know. Right.
You hook up. Yeah.
And she says, you know, I'm going to do that 23andMe thing. Yeah.
I would say I already did it. Oh.
Yeah. And what did you find? I found that 90% Korean, 10% Japanese.
Oh, cool. Yeah.
Yeah. I found out that I have like a brother.
Yeah? Yeah. Cool.
Yeah, what's your mom's name? Jeannie. Oh my God, that was my mom's name.
Yeah? Holy shit. Where is she from? Korea? Same.
Okay. But where does she live in Southern California? Does she live here? She lives in Arizona.
Wait, my mom now lives in Arizona. And she used to live in- biological mom.
Poway. I'm from Poway.
Wait a minute. We can still fuck.
By the way, she's figuring it out trying to get out of it. She's trying to find a way to stay in it.
No, I try to get it again in one more smash. You want one more fuck? Yeah, for old time's sake.
No, I would never. That'd be gross.
You're yucky yucky yucky yucky I know we forced you into that and you actually don't find it that gross but still I'm glad you turned I turned cause you were into it no I wouldn't come on man dude okay it's kind of like Oldboy what? it's kind of like Oldboy in a way yeah in Oldboy you see the movie Oldboy? no oh my god it's one of the greatest movies ever made wait Oldboy? yeah Oldboy is good it's a Korean. It's one of the greatest movies ever made.
Wait, Old Boy? Yeah, Old Boy is good.

It's a Korean movie.

It's one of the greatest movies.

I have the posters framed in my fucking –

That is one of the greatest movies.

Don't tell him because I got –

So let me tell you about this movie.

Bill Burr had a birthday party when I first met him,

and I brought this movie on DVD.

This is back when streaming was in the thing,

and I gave him this movie.

He still talks about this movie.

This is the first Korean movie. that fucking old boy dude I love when you brought me that movie Yeah He literally fucking says that I bought him that Please watch this movie It is fucking amazing You're in it Well can I say something 100% the little girl to the right looks like you.
That's Bobby Lee. Oh, I thought you meant I was Mixik Choi.
You are Mixik Choi. Yeah, the guy.
He literally is what I want to be. Uh-huh.
Everything about, what, no? No, no, she said- No, I think that's cool. Yeah, yeah.
Like, I've, like, literally, I literally, I'm not afraid to look older because of this dude. Oh, because, yeah.
This dude is, like, my fucking, dude, that dude in this movie, he does a scene in this movie, and I'm not going to tell you what it is, and you'll tell me what it is because you'll know when you see it. Does he have a hammer? I know the scene.
Yeah, that scene is so crazy, and it's like, if you, technically, even as a director and an actor, you wouldn't be able to do it. Well, he's not building something, I can tell.
Yeah, no. You wouldn't be able to do this scene.
It's one shot. It's insane.
Imagine he's just putting together an Ikea desk with his hammer and this is sort of intense scene. Yeah, but wait till you see how he does.
Yeah, wait till you see. This movie is so amazing.
I'm gonna see it. And then, can I just tell you the premise or not? No, I wanna watch it.
All right. Let me watchvis watch elvis first never all right fuck that all right by the way shout out to bill burr for playing fenway that's insane where's that fenway is the baseball stadium that uh the boston red sox play in and he he's playing it right now i think now i think he did it last night maybe i have no idea but do bill burr fenway but he put a photo, and it just made me feel so good for him.
I fucking— He's the best. I love him so much.
He's better than the best. He's the coolest— Nicest guy in the world.
He's the fucking— August 21st. That was yesterday.
Or today. Fuck, that's right now.
Wow. Fenway Park, dude.
So to him— I know this means nothing to you, but to him— I mean, dude, this is like your childhood. For me, it'd be like playing Wrigley Field in Chicago.
It's like, it's insane. Oh, my God.
It's like Eddie Vedder plays fucking Wrigley Field. And it's like doing that.
Look, there he is. There's our boy, Billy.
Going on, this is Phil Burr. I'm at Fenway.
I'm going to be here Sunday, August 21st. There's still a couple of tickets left.
Come down and listen to my ignorance as I scream out there on the triangle where you hit inside the park home runs. I'm so proud of him, man.
Can you imagine selling at a baseball stadium where two teams play? One man is able to sell tickets where two teams play. Yeah.
That blows my fucking mind. We sold 200 seats in New York, so that's pretty good.
No, I think it was 116. 116 seats? Yeah.
Yeah, that's pretty good. No, we sold it.
37,000. Wow.
That's how many seats. That's insane, dude.
I can't even, like, picture that. Well, I don't know if he sold out.
I don't know if that's what the seating was for stand-up, but still, it's insane. Can you imagine? I don't think he sold $37,000.
But imagine, like how many follows you?

How many follows you have on Instagram?

For a concert, it's still $37,000.

How many? Over 40.

What if all of them

came to see you perform at one time?

I can't fathom that. I mean, that's nuts.

Yeah. By the way, we did sell

two shows fast in Gramercy in New York because it was a

pop-up show. We didn't know we were going to do it at the last minute.
Yeah, yeah, come. And we're going to fucking do a tour now.
Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming.
Appreciate it. Hey, thank you guys for everything you've done for me.
We don't care. I'm really grateful.
We will do it for the rest of our life. I care and I love you.
We love you. I love you guys.
Come see me and Juicy in Salt Lake City, September 9 and 10.

Honestly, you add something to the show that's pretty cool.

It's beyond pretty cool.

It's fucking incredible.

Why don't you thank them for being bad friends and take us out?

Thank you for being a bad friend.