Rudy Burns The Cookies

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Hey! Hey, I got some dates coming up. I'm filming my special in Denver, September 24th.
Also, I'm going to be in Salt Lake City, September 9 and 10. Then I'm doing Bray on the 13th.
I'm doing Minneapolis and Madison, Wisconsin, 16, 17. Thenember 24th i'll be in denver filming my special the paramount theater go to andrew santino.com for those tickets andrewsantino.com for those tickets you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude you two are disgusting you two are something we're bad friends.
Hey! happy birthday to Jules happy birthday to Jules you're back in the studio happy birthday birthday birthday hey did you um welcome back I heard you guys got another dog I didn't get it well you're there it's your house yeah it's just like it just shows up like the cones from my trees in the back cones yeah like i have pine cones in the trees and they fall right they just show up the owl that hangs out in the pine cone tree right he just should be showing up dog all day every day without no no invites bro and that's why that's why this dog no invite nothing All of a sudden there's Cujo in my fucking house, right? I can't go into certain rooms, right? And then these bitches, sorry for my language. No, it's fine.
Yeah, yeah. These bitches.
These bitches, right, are like, they go, don't touch it or say hi to it or look because people, they don't like you. History shows.
But when you put out that kind of- History shows, what, with Koreans or him? No, because we've fostered other pit bulls, and every one of them growled at Tito Bobby. Well, maybe it's the breed of dog and not Tito Bobby.
Exactly. My breed is pure.
He is pure breed. I'm pure breed.
He's pure broad. Fat.
Pure broad? Yeah, I'm pure broad. You're pure broad.
That's blood. I know, but...
Pure broad. Did you have to do the accent? Well, because I screwed it up.
You're pure. I'm pure.
You are pure. So the pit bull is wrong.
No, but his energy is wrong. No, it's not.
Really? Let me say something right now. Okay? I'm sorry.
My bad. All right.
Let me just... May I? I want you to.
Yeah. Where was this pit bull for the last 10 years? In the crate.
In a cage. Yeah.
Right? No human contact. Where? Guatemala? Why Guatemala? I don't know.
I feel like that's where they keep them for some reason. My instinct said Guatemala, too.
Yeah. My instinct said that, too, dog.
We're connected, dude. So where was it? We're in Guatemala.
What city? Where in Guatemala was it? In Noapiscal. noapisco oh noapisco noapisco guatemala that's got to be the one of the toughest parts of guatemala i've ever heard yeah you know what they do down there what no you don't seriously they pull your toenails off one by one if you don't pay your bills and then in the streets they make you get naked and you sing a crazy song i don't have monies i don't have monies and then they clap at you and they spit on you and that's how that it's crazy and then they close with chicle chicle right it's not i hate that in there i hate been there that yeah gum in tijuana that's all they sell is chicle yeah chicles you know i mean there's no flavor chicle chicle chicle chicle chicle yes and I have both been to Guatemala.
We love it. We toured comedy down there.
Yes. There's a bunch of good gigs.
There's actually a couple of good clubs down there. So this dog has been like in prison for 10 years, gets out, growls at me, a Christian.
A God-fearing. A God-fearing Christian with a foundation of glory.
Right? Praise be. And you're saying that I'm the wrong one? Yeah, you're wrong.

Yeah, because dogs can sense bad vibes.

So maybe you have something in you.

Oh, yeah?

You know what?

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's got good vibes.

Maybe your dog has bad vibes.

But, like, why doesn't he growl at me or at the Kalilah?

Because I'll tell you why.

Because evil knows evil.

Boom!

Boom, right?

Boom!

If Hannibal Lecter, right, and fucking Buffalo Bill

Ha ha ha. I'll tell you why because evil knows evil boom boom right if Hannibal Lecter right and fucking Buffalo Bill are together they're having a great time they know each other very well there's no well work no one's gonna go go in the well right but they do that to the good people that's right right so I'm the good one in this storybook so So you guys are evil.
You're the little, the triangle, the pentagram.

Pentafagram.

What is that called?

Pentagram.

What?

Pentagram.

The pentagram.

Pentanagram.

You're the pentafagram.

Yeah, yeah.

You're the pentanagram of evil.

Yes. You are the axis of evil.

You, Auntie Kalilah, and the pup.

Yeah.

And you know what?

Yeah.

We're done.

I'm done with it too.

We're done.

Kalilah is Nazi Germany. That's right.
You're Mussolini in Italy, right? And the dog is fucking Japan. Yep.
That's what it feels like to me. Just the entire country of Japan.
Yeah. Not any leaders.
Like now, not back then. Right.
Now, Japan now. Current Japan.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're Japan 2022.
So what I'm saying is that you, right, know, right, that I'm pure-blooded. Mm-hmm.
And my heart is good. That's right.
And the dog is evil, correct? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's the dog's name? It's Bucky. Yeah.
I kind of like it. Why? Bucky's a nice name for a dog.
It's a good name. Yeah, I guess so.
Come here, Bucky. Yeah.
Bucked up! Isn't that Captain America's buddy? Yes, Winter Soldier. Winter Soldier.
Bucky, right? Yeah. Yeah, I like that.
I like that character. Wait, the Winter Soldier? Yeah.
His name Bucky? No, his friend. Oh, his buddy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know Winter Soldier.
I know Sebastian Stan. Was there a summer soldier? No.
I mean, they should have both soldiers, right? They should do both. The next Captain America should be Summer Soldier.
You know Spring Soldier's gay. Hey.
Hey. You know what time of the year it is.
My shield is so shiny. Spring Soldier.
Such bright colors. Beautiful.
Winter Soldier, though. Yeah.
What does Summer Soldier look like? Summer Soldier is, they're wearing what they do in that. Well, it's got to be like a bro.
Summer Soldier's got to be like. There's no armor.
It's just all in white. You know what I mean? It's like that one movie.
This is before Labor Day. What's that one movie with the cult and the guy that did Hereditary? Midsommar.
Midsommar. Oh.
Yeah, that's a Summer Soldier. Yeah, I do.
Yeah, yeah. Who's the Fall Soldier? The Fall Soldier.
It's leaves. It's dark.
It's ominous. It's rainy it's leaves it's dark ominous rainy cold halloweeny yeah idris elba why i don't know and i think you're trying to corner me just do something i am but i just it just i'm cornering you like guatemala like check it out i'm cornering you right now like Like Guatemala.
It's getting smaller. I know, but did you-

What about the fall is so dark?

By the way, Idris Elba, flawed, could do any fucking thing.

Could do whatever he wants.

So he could be the fall soldier.

He's the fall soldier.

Because you know what?

Idris Elba does make me think about cuddling up and feeling warm.

I agree with you.

Look up Idris Elba in a turtleneck.

Watch this.

Yeah. Watch this.
Fucking boom. Tell me that's not the false soldier.
That's the false soldier for sure. And that's why I said it.
That's the false soldier. Right.
But I feel like. And you questioned me when I said cuddling up and keeping warm.
And that's exactly what I thought about. But when you said that though.
I just imagined like if he's spooning me. And it gets too hot.
And I scoot away I feel like he won't he's too strong he's like no look at his arms no mate this guy no mate no mate can't scoot out you know what I mean I'm sweating closer then false soldier I'm sweating closer then look at how fucking hot this guy is that guy is so fucking hot do you find him hot really hot oh god but have have you ever made... Let's get to the facts.
Why? Let's get to the facts. I'm a factual guy.
This show is about facts. It's about facts.
Not a black guy in there. Because I'm still trying to find them.
You've never seen them before? They're everywhere. But they don't like me.

Interesting.

Yeah.

It's what you give out.

Yeah.

It's your vibe.

But I thought black men like Asians.

They do.

They do.

But not your kind.

Not your kind.

Yeah.

Your kind is bad.

You're bad.

Yuck.

Gross.

You're bad Asian.

Although Tiger Woods' mom was that type.

Yeah.

That's true.

Isn't that true? Yeah. I'm just trying to get to the facts here.
Yeah, yeah. Cotilda Woods.
That looks like a part of your family. Cotilda Woods.
Her name was Cotilda? Yeah. That's kind of a cool name.
Yeah, so black dudes do like that type of age. I guess they do.
Yeah, they do. Yeah.
I've never seen a black guy with like a porcelain skin Korean girl. No.
Yeah. No.
No. I haven't actually actually i think what would happen is if they made love to him they would just implode maybe you think they don't just have because they're so bony right whoa what korean girls no no is that rudy yeah rudy that's you that's you for sure in a couple 30 years from now yeah that's rudy that's you for sure my god dude that is you that's look at that well then maybe we should get you to date a black guy are you still with your guy yeah yeah he's out of town he's out of town though oh so you're free wow who do we know that she could date well she's in a committed relationship with now I know but if a good black guy comes along we'll have to sneak out of it oh right well we know some she said that you know what i would like willie willie hunter willie hunter oh okay he's nice yeah he's nice yeah yeah willie hunter yeah um here you go smart what do you think of this one cool dude works a lot if you're on a look at this one look like him yeah okay all right but if you're on a date with a black guy.
Careful. Do you have to like know.
Tread softly. Like.
Like. Keep going.
Go ahead. If you're on a date with a black guy, do you have to what? Like, no.
They're like. Commit to it.
Like. They're.
What is this yo-yo. Yeah.
You know what-yo yeah house party thing you're doing that's what i think what are you kidding play what the fuck are you doing here have you ever had any black friends no that's the problem can we start there we gotta start let's start there let's get you a black yeah we gotta get you a black friend you understand that obviously not every black person is going to what is this thing they're going to do? Like they're just going to say some slang words. Why do you keep doing this with your hands? Yeah, yeah.
I don't know. Yeah.
And then I won't understand it. And they'll think I'm not cool.
Yeah, yeah. What wouldn't you understand? They're speaking your language.
You're both speaking English. Because of that.
Oh, the hand stuff? Yeah. You think they're speaking a language.
You not like, hey, yo, Sheshaban Congoni. And then you're like, yo, babe, Sheshaban Congoni.
Black side, lip side. And you're like, what? You know what the fuck you got? No.
Is that what you think is going to happen? And then there's some hand gesture that you're going to have to read, like their sign language. They're just expressive.
Okay. And not all of them.
They're all very different. They're all different.
Just like all Filipinos are different, all Koreans are different. Well, that's not true.
All Koreans are kind of the same. It's funny you say that.
The more Koreans I meet, the more I go, these guys are all identical. Last night I shot with Dumbfounded.
I'm doing this movie, and he goes, let let's go to cafe blue which is like a korean bar so i went there with them and it looked like i was in the house of mirrors i sort of got i look at house of mirrors at a fucking you know i mean fairground yeah yeah like it was like oh there's fat version of me little version of me there's me wiggly with me i saw wiggly me last night you did yeah yeah yeah yeah dude that movie is stacked you sent me a picture it was like 10 people i know in that fucking you should be in it it's amazing you should have been in it in it and it's it's your buddy who's sober wrote it yeah what's it about did you tell sobriety so it's about sobriety yeah well i'm not sober So that's not Dude Everyone's smoking weed What are you talking about on set? Oh really? I mean they're high But is Steve-O in it? No I thought you said Steve-O Johnny Knoxville Oh Knoxville's in it Yeah Johnny's the lead Okay so Johnny Knoxville You My boy Gata From Dave Dude By the way I have to apologize to him But alright Why what happened? I'll do it later No No, do it right now. You know how sometimes I don't know how to read a situation? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. And so you know how sometimes I get kind of gay? Uh-huh.
Yeah. He's not the right guy to do that one.
That's right. Yeah.
I fucked it up. Yeah.
Yeah. I've been saying shit like, man, you're a skinny, tall guy.
Man, your dick must be so long and gorgeous. Oh, yeah.
He's like, and he just, it's almost as if he ran over somebody. Like, he's like trying to process it.
You know what I mean? And he's just kind of like, did I, you know what I mean? Like, it's not good. Yeah, don't say that to him.
You know, I keep going like, yeah, I'd like to ride you. You know what I mean? Or something like that.
You know what? This is a good time to call Gata. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I should call him right now and tell him he wants to apologize on the show. I'm not going to apologize.
You should. I'm not going to apologize for me being me.
I'm just saying that next time. Yo.
Gata, Gata, you're on my podcast with me and Bobby Lee. Bobby wants to say what's up.
What's up, Gade? Oh, yeah. What up, Bobby Lee? What's the deal? Yo, dude, so yesterday, did you think I was being a little too gay in front of you or no? Were you weirded out by that shit, G? No, bro, you are the Asian David Byrd bro.
You're like fucking the Asian little dicky. So you're like the Asian little dicky.
Oh, that's a good thing. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're a little dicky.
I didn't... You can never be too gay, bro.
I'd love to see you. Thank you so much for giving me the green light.
You like this fuck too, bro. All right, G.
See, all is good now. And then, G, you got to do me a favor.
Yo. So Rudy, who's on our show, is a little Filipino girl.

She's 20 years old.

She's in the dating scene.

And she's never dated a black dude.

And she's afraid that they won't like her.

She needs a boost of confidence from you.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, man.

You know, black guys, man, we like everything.

We real humble.

You know what I'm saying?

Down the earth.

You know what I'm saying?

Different flavors.

Any tips? Asian persuasion. Hey, remember that.
You got the Asian persuasion. You have the Asian persuasion.
Yeah. But she doesn't have a bubbly butt.
It's like more bony. Yeah, she's very bony.
Hey, it ain't about the body, man. It's about your knowledge, man.
It's about your personality. You know what I'm saying? She doesn't have personality either.
No, no personality. Kind of a problem.
Yeah, that's a problem. Oh, yeah.
Well, that means you just need to be led, man.

Hey, if you don't got no personality, man, just follow a real nigga lead.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you understand that?

No.

All right.

Yo, Gata, I love you, bro. I'll talk to you soon.

Love you, buddy.

See you Monday.

All right, G.

Peace.

All right, y'all.

Peace.

He's the best.

He's a good dude.

So he's in it. Mo Amher's in it.
Oh, yeah. I know Mo.
Yeah, great guy. Yeah? Yeah, great guy.
There's this... Oh, dude, there's this fucking kid in it, man.
His name is fucking Adam Faison. He's like a fucking prodigy actor.
Adam Faison. A prodigy actor.
This gentleman right here? Yeah. Wonderful.
Dude, this kid is a fucking prodigy. In what term? What do you mean? It's just like, you know how, like, we're all, you know, Theo's at Vons in it, so we're all sitting around, me, Theo, you know what I mean? Theo will say lines when it's not even his turn to speak.
That sounds right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everyone's fucking around. Everyone's like, what is a line? This dude is in the corner getting into the character.
So he so he's a real actor yeah and he walks on and he has tears in his eyes and he's being so real and everyone's just going oh fuck we should fire this guy he's obviously been trained yeah he's a trained dude this can we see his uh does he have like a bio or something like that he's new man he's new so he's a fucking prodigy hasn't done anything he's a fucking prodigy dude well shout out to adam adam fazan and he's from poway is he really yeah yeah yeah yeah you go to poway high yep wow same people but um is he on the poway alumni page no you better believe he's not there's only one guy in this room so anyway the movie is uh we're doing it called sweet dreams i'm made of these yeah whoever might disagree i'll give you a thousand dollars Tell me who wrote that No Seven seas Everybody Come on Maybe they do Do it in a Filipino accent Maybe she'll know it Looking for something One of them wants to be you I don't know One of them wants to be you. By the way, Pete's still bobbing his head.
He likes it in both versions. International and.
He's going to be $1,000 if you can guess who that is. $1,000.
Give me a clue. There's another.
So let's do another song by them. There's a bunch of different versions of that song, by the way.
You could have named anybody that did that song. That song's been sung by multiple different bands.
Covered, I should say. What's band don't don't type it in don't type it don't tell what you're typing it in for he almost typed it yeah yeah well i'm gonna try to figure out another song that they sing well it's not she's never gonna know yeah i think so if she knows a song that like here we go there's another one you know that song though Yeah, love is a stranger in the broken world.
I don't know that. Eat your party in the broken world.
Can we do an album? I'm serious. Can we do a Bad Friends album? What? I didn't know the lyrics.
Doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Love is a stranger in the deep end world. Why is it an Asian accent? For you to understand it.
It's for you. It's for you.
What are you talking about? I'm catering it for you.

Sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry Tito Bobby's doing you a favor. A favor, right?

You're awfully selfish, bud.

You bring in a new dog.

You don't like when he's helping you.

We're trying to get you black dates.

Yeah.

We're doing everything for you on this show.

When is the dog going to leave?

When is the dog going to leave?

When is the dog going to leave?

By the way, the dog is a metaphor for you.

When are you going to leave? When for you What are you gonna leave? The dog is gonna leave at the end of the month What about you? I don't know yet. Yeah, okay.
That's it. Yeah, that's she's never gonna move out You know, she's living there for the rest of time.
Yeah, um, I'm not giving you guys pressure to leave Well her specifically for sure. Yeah, I you to leave you need to leave why yeah because we've had enough we've had enough we never see each other in the house it doesn't matter it doesn't matter he smells you yeah and can i just say this too just off the record right um in the philippines when you cook a cookie do you cook it to the point where it's just black charcoal? Sometimes because we like it burnt.
Now, be honest. What the fuck is going on with your cookies? I don't know.
I followed the instructions. It said 15 minutes.
And then after 15 minutes, it was burnt. Right.
So then I told you to fucking do another batch. Yeah.
And it wasn't burnt. It was burnt.
No. All right.
it was burnt. So what about this, right? Why don't you set it for 15 and then at eight minutes, check up on it.
Check it out. Just to see.
Okay. All right.
My favorite thing is Bobby went off the record. We're filming on eight cameras with two microphones.
Off the record. Off the record.
By the way, burning cookies is almost impossible. It was still good.
Because you want it fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you look at three minutes, you look at five, you look at eight, and then you know it's about right. It was still good.
No way. No, it wasn't.
Nobody wants burnt cookies, bud. I tasted it.
No, you could eat the top part. I ate the burnt part.
It's still good. No.
Yeah. Nobody wants burnt cookies.
There's like a scale. There was a scale that somebody put up, a burnt cookie scale.
You know what I mean? It was like a 1 to 10 thing somebody put up on Twitter. And the amount of people that liked it closer to burnt made me sick.
Like people like, dude, people like they do people are crazy i like burnt rice different story yeah totally crispy burnt rice is my favorite i don't know where i don't know who put it up maybe it was like a rex chapman tweet or whatever but if you just regular google just regular google burnt cookie scale but dude so many people wanted it closer to burnt. And I was like,

no, I want it soft. I'll

always take a soft cookie.

I don't need a super crispy ever.

Yeah. Boo burnt cookies.

This podcast is

supported by Progressive, a leader in RV insurance.

RVs are for sharing adventures with

family, friends, and even your pets. So if you

bring your cats and dogs along for the ride, you'll

want Progressive RV insurance. They protect your cats and dogs like family by offering up to $1,000 in optional coverage for vet bills in case of an RV accident, making it a great companion for the responsible pet owner who loves to travel.
See Progressive's other benefits and more when you quote RV Insurance at Progressive.com today. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates.
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Okay, we'll use this as an example. So 10 is where based on this 10 is where her cookie level is at.
I imagine. Right, right.
Alright, so that's 10. Okay, what's perfect for you out of that scale, out of one to 10? Rudy, tell me what's perfect for cookie.
Eight. Insane.
Insane. Off your fucking head, lady.
Yeah, yeah. Eight is burnt.
It's bummed out. Five.
I like it. Five.
Five is perfect. Five is perfect.
If it had a five and a half, five and a half would be the number. Yeah.
Right between five and six. Eight.
Eight. Look at what his brother nine looks like.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at his next door neighbor.
Look at nine. If there was house fires spreading through people's homes and your house was eight and your neighbor's nine, you're fucked.
You know what nine and 10 look like together? Uh-oh. What? I'm just waiting for whatever you're going to say.
Gay does note. I was right.
You were right. By the way, if you turn it sideways, the left one is hanging lower than the right one.
Yeah. Which of your balls hangs lower? Oh, shit.
I'll tell you why. I don't know.
Are they the same? Are you a pair of balls? No, I'll tell you why I don't know. Why? I don't know if I have balls.
Bob? Yeah. I don't't know if i have them there are they hidden it's just there's no like you know when you look in the mirror like my first of all my sacks are so soft what do you mean sacks you have one bud oh shit i have two what the fuck i maybe that's the problem you have a soft sack yeah Yeah I have a soft sack You have a stretchy sack?

It's not stretchy They're wrinkly

But they're very soft

So you don't know

Which ball hangs lower

I think most men know

Which nut hangs lower

Pete right away

Watch

Pete which ball hangs lower?

Left

Left

Right

Right

So you need to look up

Can I show you mine?

100%

Alright

So close your eyes

Close your eyes

Cause I need to see

Which one hangs lower

You gotta pull your hands away

Can you

Yeah yeah that's okay

Thank you. you mind 100% all right so close your eyes because I need to see which one hangs lower you gotta pull your hands away can you yeah yeah that's okay yeah oh my god they're literally parallel I'm not kidding they're exactly at the same length yeah they're a they're identical droop they're twins they're twins they're fucking twins they're twins like like Arnold Schwarzenegger and danny devito and twins yeah no that's what yours like yeah yeah no mine actually i want my shit to be proportional you know i'm not kidding when i say this i've never seen a perfectly symmetrical nuts and you're his balls were identical exactly if there was a if i could have had a fucking tape measure they would and put it underneath they'd have been the same droop i can't measure it every day every morning that's what i do never seen the same droop yeah it's the same you're a left nut yeah i'm a right nut guy you're a right nut guy yeah god bless right nutters so in the this i don't know about biology or the human body no this show yeah but the nut that because the actual ball the thing thing that you can feel, right? Is that like just one large cum?

Yes.

Are they just two large pieces of cum rock?

Are they cum rocks?

Cum rocks.

What I assume is this, right?

Cum rock, right?

Now you're horny, right?

Right.

And it heats up the cum rock, right?

And a little bit drips down.

Correct.

It's like candle wax.

Like candle wax, right? It's the same thing. And then when you go to bed, right, it just grows.
Oh, the cum rock. Yeah, just by living.
Well, there's a little guy back there scooping on some more cum onto the rock. Oh, there's a little guy there.
Yeah, yeah. I'll take care of this.
Yeah. Is he a dwarf? Of course.
Oh, because he's got to be small. How else could he fit back there? Yeah.
I got to put some more. I got to put some more giz out of this thing before this guy goes to sleep look I was right it's a cum rock and see there's the guy you can see it right there yeah look at the little blue veil oh that's gross does it mean anything Carlos when one ball is lower than the other I mean is there a parallel nutsack thing that we can because I'm super curious by the way this what's that they said in people's balls either one will hang they're never they're almost never symmetrical bobby yeah i i mean this

with all my heart as one of your best friends thank you this is why you're special thank you

you know everybody all the time is like what is it about bobby lee and you're like

i know yeah now you know he's got the same nuts his nuts are identically the identical droop i'm

about to cry right now bobby you're special and i love. I'm about to cry right now.
Bobby, you're special and I love you. I'm about to cry right now.
Okay, let it out, baby. No, I'm just proud of myself.
You should be. Yeah.
You're epididymis and you're... What are testicles made out of? Are they cum rocks like Bobby thinks? Because I think they might be.
The more I think about it, the more I think he's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, there's inner work. Oh, there's so much going on.
There's so much going on in there. Wow.
Wow. It's its own universe.
And to think there's all, there's this, yeah, right, right. This is another galaxy.
It's another galaxy in there. All these planets are going on.
Yeah. And to think, Rudy, you just put one of these in your mouth and it's got all this stuff going on.
You just suck on one of these things with all these working organs. Well, it looks like a brain, so I'm just eating more brain.
You're eating dick brain. You're eating dick brain you're eating dick brain that's right that's where the term give me let me ask you something comes from on the vaginal lips is there a lot going on i feel i feel like there's not is there is there a droop on one side like do do yeah yeah it's like the right hang a little lower or does it yeah does does the side of a lip get low okay here we go does your lip hang low does it wobble to and fro i like that they point out the anus yeah yeah we might not know we know what that is some people is it a beauty mark what is that i've got my name of my next kid yeah yeah bartholin bartholin's gland that's great so there's two glands underneath the vagina and it's called bartholin's gland It sounds like a place In Lord of the Rings Like you mean We can't I'll meet you in Bartholin's gland Yeah yeah Don't go there That's where the spider is Bartholin's gland A wet gland Yeah it's a pair of P-sized glands P-sized glands found just behind either side of the lips or surround the entrance of the vagina.

The glands are not usually noticeable because they're rarely larger.

The Bartholins glands secrete fluid that acts as lubricant during sex.

Oh, so we love Bartholins.

Oh, we love Bartholins glands.

Well, who's Bartholins?

Can we Google out who Bartholins is?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe it's named after a guy.

It's got to be.

Who is Bartholins from Bartholins gland?

Do you ever heard of that, Rudy?

No.

You might not have Bartholins glands. Gland? Do you ever heard of that, Rudy? No.
You might not have Bartholomew's glands.

He was the king of the land of vagina.

Imagine on Wikipedia he goes, this guy was a puss god.

Yeah.

Crushed so much.

Oh, there's Thomas Bartholomew.

There's Thomas.

He looks like a fucking pussy.

Whoa.

Whoa.

He looks like a pussy in human form.

Holy shit.

I had no idea.

That is the guy. Even if I didn't know what Bartholomeances, I go, he has something to do with vaginas.
This dude, right? That's Bartholin's gland. That's the guy.
Wait, let's hear about him. I want to learn something.
Yeah, he's my new guy here. All right, so here, zoom in a personal life.
I love this guy. Thomas Bartholin was the second of six sons to Caspar Bartholin, edly physician alright so here's the deal Bob Bartholin he visited the Italian botanist Pietro Castelli in 1644 the place burned down his health failed he moved back to Copenhagen where he died what did he do though? he published the first full description of the human lymphatic system oh he knows about lymph nodes this guy's the fucking man I imagine he was down on a girl he was eating a girl out right and he tasted the moist part yeah like this is this area is very moist interesting and he stopped his thing he turned the lights She's like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah.
Right. Let me get my microscope.
Turn the lights off. Yeah.
And then he looked and he discovered like probably little holes. And they looked.
And you know what they look like? What? Him. It was two little hims.
And he's like, there I am. There I am.
I'm Bartholin. These are my glands.
Yeah. This guy was incredible.
He's incredible. Where was he born and raised? Go to the right.
Go to the right there. What does it say? It usually tells.
Denmark. Oh, yeah, dude.
Got to be a Danish dude. Got to be Danish.
The Danish are wild. Yeah.
By the way, that's what it looks like. That's it.
Yeah, that's scary. I don't want that.
You got two of those. You got two of those in there.
Yeah. Look at that look.
Look at that look. Look at that.
I invented. I invented.
You know what I mean? I discovered. That's cocky.
A piece of me thinks this guy's never seen a vagina. And he just guessed.
And God bless Bartholin. Because now we know all about his glands.
It's weird to want to name yourself the thing you find. Yeah.
Do you know what I mean? But if you think about it, though.

Would you do that?

What?

If you found a cure for something, would you call it? Depends on what it is.

All right.

If you found the cure for a cancer, one of the cancers.

Fuck yeah.

What would you call it?

Bobby Lee.

The Bobby Lee?

Yeah.

Give me the Bobby Lee.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but you have four weeks to leave.

What's going on?

You have the Bobby Lee. Oh, you have the disease, not the cure.
Oh, I want the... Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho- a cure, would you want to be the name? No, because what I'm saying is that I thought you meant like, did I discover the prognosis? No, no, no, no.
All right. But honestly, you're right.
You're right. You are the Bobby Lee.
Yeah, I'm the Bobby Lee. You have the Bobby Lee.
What does the Bobby Lee do to me, doctor? You're going to liquefize your anus. What? Yeah, it liquefies your anus.
How did I get this? Through, have you fucked a Korean lately? Of course. Yep.
Unprotected size Korean And I hear And look at me now I got the Bobby Lee You have no asshole right It's watery It prolapsed after I had sex with her And then it fell out Yeah well that's one of the things You know Because he was really into The Bobby Lee was really into like Rodents Oh And he wanted women to look like Have the tail well thank you doctor thank you doctor Lee

this is an article

this is something I sent

I want to get you guys' take on this

I sent this to Carlos

if you like a full English breakfast

what's an English breakfast

English breakfast is eggs

sausage

or bangers

bangers and bangers

Heinz baked Thank you. English breakfast is eggs, sausage, or bangers.

Bangers and bangers.

I love bangers.

I love bangers.

I love bangers.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

Heinz baked beans.

Not any American bullshit baked beans.

Heinz baked beans.

Have you had them before?

So in that combination, eggs, sausage, toast, and Heinz baked beans.

Usually with bacon as well.

Never had that before.

Oh, my God.

Show him a picture of a full English breakfast.

This guy's going to lose his fucking mind. It's probably the thing that the Brits did better than anything, I think, on planet Earth.
The one thing that they cased was a full English fucking breakfast. Look at this thing.
Look at this fucking plate. Sliced tomatoes, mushrooms, sausage, bacon, sausage patty.
Oh, that's blood sausage, right? Yeah, that's blood sausage on the left, the little patties. That's regular sausage or bangers on the right.
Bro, that looks so fucking good. So fucking good.
Yeah. But in the middle is the secret sauce.
What is it? It's the baked beans, the Heinz baked beans. And Heinz introduced, go back to that photo, look at how bomb this is.
Uh-huh. Heinz baked beans inside of hash browns.
And you've had them? No. They're not going to make it for the United States.
So this is my time to use this platform to beg Heinz, please. I'm not fucking kidding.
Yeah. I need this.
Heinz, you don't get it. This is my two favorite breakfast items that are hash browns and beans.
I can die on this. Please send me some of this shit.
Please make this available for the United States. If't i'm gonna come for you yeah and i'm bringing the bobby lee's with you yeah you'll get

the bobby lee but let me say something can't you just order it from like a special site that'll

here's the problem here's the problem that's gonna take a long time i want this in my local grocer

in the frozen aisle please because otherwise i'm gonna have to fucking special order this shit

that's gonna be a pain in the ass but let me just let me just i'm not i i you know what first of all

Let me just let me can i just i'm not i i you know first of all let me i want to be positive okay i really respect your dream god bless right and i um i want to support you thank you okay but what i want to say is that you've never eaten that yet you're making assumptions of what that's going to look taste like my friend my friend my friend my friend, my friend. It's a frozen thing.
Oh. Right? Go on.
How are you going to prepare that? Fry it? Oh, yes. Okay, you fry it, right? You air fry it, first of all.
You air fry it. But you have no idea how that's going to taste.
Oh, yes, I do. Okay.
Oh, yes, I do. All right, so.
Heinz doesn't miss. Have you had their ketchup? Oh, they're the best.
Home run. Have you had their baked beans? They're a home run.
Pull up some stuff that Heinz makes. H-E-e-i-n-z Heinz by the way it's an american company isn't it but they have a british base because Heinz field that's in uh pennsylvania pennsylvania right Heinz products

let's go down the fucking list of these bangers look at that kid look how happy that kid is yeah

with all that blood all over his face yeah ketchup banger mustard banger memphis barbecue sauce yes

This is the first time I was going the way Go back to the mixed sauces. Because they keep trying shit.
Whoa. What did that say? Cranch, ketchup and ranch, mayo and ketchup, and then ketchup and chili sauce? Wow.
Don't shudder at that. Don't shudder at that.
Yeah, don't shudder at that. I don't step on your culture.
I eat a fucking live bird and an egg for you. Scumbag.
You guys use boar blood in the Philippines. As a dipping sauce.
It's good. Boar blood.
Boar blood is good? Yeah. Hines, I'm begging you, please send this to the United States, specifically here at Bad Friends, because I want it so bad.
I love me some fucking beans. And by the way, next month i'm trying it i'm going fucking vegetarian next month you want me you i could do we do it together let's do a bad friends yeah i'm trying will you go vegetarian for the month you will think he'll make it don't fucking fucking negative you're i'm gonna throw you're so fucking negative yeah okay all right you've been negative all at you.
Okay. All right? You've been negative all show.

Not supportive at all.

At all.

Okay, I'll support you.

Why do you think he's going to fail?

Because all he eats is ribs, pork, beef, all the fucking.

So he's getting his fill this month.

Yeah.

And he'll be fine.

I'll be fine.

We're going to do Bad Friends Goes Vegetarian.

Can we do a combination thing now?

Like combination fried rice?

No. This is my favorite.
Yeah. No, not combination fried rice.
A dual contest. Okay, go on.
So we do vegetarian, and let's add up another thing. No ejaculation.
Okay, I'm out. I can.
Yeah, you can. Let's just see how long.
I can't come for the whole month? Yeah. That's so long.
I know, but have you ever tried it? No. Well, you try it.
It feels like a madman. No, no, no.
You can't. A month is so long.
You're not going to last, but that's what's fun about the game. We'll see how long.
But I'm telling you, the moment that you or I come, we have to text or call each other. You have to be honest.
If we're going to play this game, you got to be real. All right.
And I mean the moment you come let me like can we get into the rules though oh yeah i'm sure there's some rules okay all right so what if i have like you know when i come in the night on a dream i know i said it like a poem is it happening in a calm in the night to a dream is it happening a lot but sometimes i'll wake up and there's a little bit of splosion in there. That doesn't count.
All right. That doesn't count, right? Right.
Yeah. You have to be a part of the come.
Right. You have to either actively do it with your hand or with using a partner.
Okay. So then with the meat, right? For instance.
All right. If I sleepwalk.
And eat in the middle of the night. And I eat a roast beef sandwich.
It doesn't count. It doesn't count.
That's totally okay. Right? That seems like.
That's fine. Something because I can't help that.
Well, I feel like if we're going to let each other come in the middle of the night, we better be able to eat a roast beef sandwich. Can you imagine the security cameras of us just coming and eating? It wasn't me.
I was dead asleep. Yeah, I was dead asleep.
All right. So we call each other when we slip.
The moment that we slip. I'm serious.
I have one last thing I have to ask. I have questions about it because i really want to do it i want to do it too um can we do it in november uh yes we can okay let's do it in november okay we're too close to you're right you're september because we're going to new york in september right yeah we're not going to jerk off or fucking not eat meat there that's right we're gonna that's all you do in New York that's all you do is jerk off and eat meat right so what I'm saying is in November I feel like my candler is a little bit more clear we're back home we're back home and we can monitor each other better we'll monitor each other better right okay yeah so let's do it in November I hate you know I just got a carroom.
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That's right. Nobody wants to waste a weekend walking around dealership lots, getting attacked by dudes in cheap suits, yelling at you about discounts that they can get you after they go talk to their manager for 45 minutes because it's a lie.
Let me tell you something. I've had so many different trials and tribulations trying to buy cars.
I'm a car guy. I do not go to the lots anymore.
I always use third parties now, and Vroom has been the best version of that. Instead of going to the dealership, buy a car from home.
Even as you listen to Bad Friends right now, you can do it anywhere. Vroom is entirely online.
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Did you see the movie Prey? No, dude. I can't wait.
I want to go. I didn't go.
You want me to go? What? Go where? I want to go see it. It's on Hulu.
Wait, what? Is it? I thought it's in theaters. No, it never went to theaters.
It went straight to Hulu. Oh, I don't want to see something that went straight to online.
It's got to be in the theater for me. Amber Midtheader, the star of it, she's on Reservation Duck, so I kind of know her.
Oh, yeah. I'm just saying, this movie.
It's incredible? Do you like any of the Predator movies? Well, Predator, yeah. The original one? Yes.
Yeah. She had never seen any Predator movie until Prey.
Her? Yeah. Well, yeah.
Do you know? Have you seen it now? Yeah, it's so good. So sick.
It's so good. No, I do want to see it.
I should watch it. But it's like, do you know what the premise it now yeah it's so so sick it's so good no i do want to see it i should watch it but it's like do you know what the premise is no i know nothing had you heard of it before yes everyone's talking about it right so basically it's when the alien predator yeah first visited earth and he finds her he's fighting against native americans sick it's fucking sick love it yeah i in.
And he's more primitive too in the movie. He's more lovable? No, he's more, he's not as technologically advanced.
I think he's more, he does more hand-to-hand killing. So primitive.
You were right. Yeah.
I didn't know what the fuck the word is. You said it right, baby.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, I was astonished how good it was.
It's that good. Like, I was just like, wow, this is what...
Aside from the original Predator movie, which we love with Arnie, I've seen every single one of those fucking things. And this one is probably the second best one.
93 on Rotten Tomatoes. Have you ever been a part of any project that's been 93? I think the most I got was 53%.
Well, I'm on

Reservation Dogs. That's got to be up there.

What is that? Reservation Dogs has got to be high.

I would imagine that Reservation

Dogs is probably 90s.

99! Wow!

I'm on a 99. Holy shit! How about you?

What number? Probably 85

is probably the highest I've been a part of. I bet you

Dave is in the high 80s. Get Dave.

Get Dave on there. Dave's probably in the high 80s.

86, I would say.

84.

84, pretty good.

Not 99.

It's not at all.

Yeah, yeah, not 99.

But also, you know,

we don't have as many natives on our show.

I think having a couple of Native Americans would help.

I've said that to the writers every single year.

Okay, yeah.

Nothing I've been a part of

has been probably higher than 84.

84 is probably the highest I've ever been. Do't watch do i'm dying up here this one probably 64 this one's probably below 70 let's see 51 oh my god but the audience score is 95 see that's always kind of a tell though what when the critics shit on something but the audience loves it that's not a tell no no a lot, though.
You'll see it where the audience is super, super high and the critics are low. Meaning it's one of those things where I think people, the critics.
Those are the same people that think that Fast and the Furious is a Kurosawa film. Best movie ever made.
I'm just saying my point. Name a better movie than Fast and the Furious.
All of them. All the other Fast and the Furious movies are better than the original? What's the Fast and the Furious score? Just go Fast and the Furious one and let's find out.
The original. What year was that in? 2009? Not in 2009.
Yeah, that's it. 28%.
Audience score 67. So, right.
You're wrong about that. That's still pretty low.
Yeah, yeah.

28%. This is the problem with critics.

What are you criticizing?

It's a fucking action movie.

Yeah.

What's the fucking thing?

What's the thing?

Yeah.

What could you be critical about?

The cinematography?

It's fucking shoot them up, flip a car.

You know what you're going to go watch.

Yeah, so fucking leave it alone. Yeah.
You know what I'm watching now that i almost finished what is it only murders in the building you don't know what this is it's on hulu it's steve martin martin short and selena gomez you've seen it um are you a selena gomez fan she's brown like you is it good 100 critics holy fucking is it that Is it good? Don't don't i'm not saying it to you i'm saying is it good like this is it good it's it's kitschy but it's fun but martin short i'm not kidding when i say this might be one of the best comedic actors in the history of of of film i've always felt that bro he he's so funny on this show, it's fucking annoying. You're like, how is he? Every scene, he does something to make me laugh.
And Steve Martin, phenomenal as a straight guy, but Martin Short is exactly what you want him to do. Also, FYI.
What is that? I don't even know what that means. For young interests.
For young interests. Yeah, for young interests.
Well, I'm old, so it's not for me.

Yeah, yeah, for young interests, right?

One of the nicest guys you'll ever meet.

Of course, because he's the shit.

He literally is one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet.

Dude, I'm obsessed.

I think he kills him.

I love that guy.

And Selena does a good job on the show.

I don't really know much about her,

but she does a great job on the fucking show.

But Martin Short.

I'm watching that tonight.

Dude, give it some time. Do a couple episodes or you're going it it's 100 and two legends legends yeah two legends in the legends you martin short and selena gomez yeah i mean let's let's go back to the history of of these two guys she has no idea i understand but did you see three amigos no it's my favorite movie it's one of the funniest movies i love that movie do you know who steve martin is at all no wow it's just mind-boggling you know what she should watch that she might like sent to humor what um parenthood no she should watch jiminy glick yeah no you don't think she'll get it i want her to go back into the where were you born yeah martin short dressed up as this fat interview, and it's some of the best stuff I've ever seen in my life, dude.
He was so fucking good. But I want her to go do a little bit of a deep dive in terms of like Steve Martin and Martin Short's career.
Okay. Because in the 80s, they were like...
When we were growing up, they were like it. Kings.
The kings of it all. Kings.
Yeah. Steve Martin got commercially massive.
He was Saturday Night Live, but he got commercially massive. He was Saturday Night Live too, but I would say Father of the Bride was one of the biggest movies he probably ever made franchise-wise.
Steve Martin? Yeah. Franchise-wise, right? Isn't that, don't you think? What do you think was bigger for Steve Martin? I mean, that franchise was fucking massive.
Yeah. Like, that might have been the biggest.
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Yeah.
Loved that movie. No, great.
The Jerk. Like, these are all great movies.
Oh, my God, legend. But they were never as big.
This movie was fucking massive for the time. Yeah.
How much was it? 90 million? Oh, my God. For a fucking domestic movie in the 90s in 91

that's like a billion dollars

you really need to see

Three Migos though

it's like a classic

one of the funniest comedies ever

but that's when you know

I've been hanging out with younger people

on set and stuff

you feel old

you bring up stuff like

movies from the 80s

or 70s and they just don't know

Thank you. on set and stuff and you you talk them about you feel old because you you bring up stuff like you know movies from the 80s and stuff or 70s and they just don't know any name or what it is it's insane but also because the internet's so fast right like we knew stuff from our parents generation because the internet wasn't as fast then it wasn't until we were a certain age the internet didn't exist so for them the stars are being made constantly or the star of the month or whatever it is but she could be on a bus sitting next to steve martin would never and she would have no idea two things though why are both of those people on a bus i know what you're saying yeah you know what i'm saying yeah subway subway subway right you would not have any idea like if i sat next sat next to Steve Martin on a subway, I would just be...
I would not know what to say. I would lose my mind.
I would lose my mind, right? You, nothing. Yeah.
Yeah. What were you going to ask? You said you looked like you were going to ask him something.
Like, you can just take a picture of him. No, this guy's a legend.
He's a legend. This is not fucking.
Yeah. This isn't like.
Do you always have to say something if it's like a really big story? No, I wouldn't say. I don't think I would say anything.
We'd be nervous. Because I wouldn't want to say something and have him be a dick and then change my view on him.
So I just don't want to bring it there. Yeah, but you give him one of these.
You give him a little. I've done that to super, super famous people that I like their work is they'll look over and kind of give you the eyebrow smile and I'll go.
Yeah. Because that's all I need.
The worst is when you say something to a star that you love and they're not being a dick, but they do their standard line. They would do anyone.
I know. So I was on the Paramount lot

and LeVar Burton,

who's Geordi on Next Generation.

You definitely don't know who that is.

You don't know.

Yeah, no chance.

I walk by him.

I go, oh, fuck.

There's fucking LeVar Burton.

I go, hey, I'm a big fan of you.

I said it.

I'm a big fan.

He goes, thank you.

Yeah, he's heard it a million times.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All day long.

And I was just like, oh, God.

He's the fucking. Why did he do that? Do you know who that is? No.
Oh, my God. Do you like him? You think he's attractive? Yeah.
Yeah. He's like 100 years old.
Isn't that crazy? Black does not crack. Look at how good looking that guy is.
Oh, my God. He's amazing.
He's 65. He looks like he's 30.
He looks great. That guy and me are the same age.
Yeah, visually, yeah. If you walk next to each other, they go, those guys must be in the same age group.

They went to high school together.

Yeah, for sure, for sure.

Yeah, but it's like...

Yeah, thank you, because he's heard it.

Yeah, that's why I try to not do that.

What do you say when a fan says,

hey, I love your work?

A guy said it to me this morning getting coffee.

He goes, dude, I'm a big fan.

And you know what I say?

What?

I say, thank you very much, man. I hope you have a good day that seems cold what do you mean i looked him in the eye i said i hope you have a good day i meant that yeah it seems standard though what the fuck am i supposed to say you go specific thank you very much i love that shirt yeah okay i gotta pay attention i was on the i was that's that's what you you gotta do Alright Let's try it again Go ahead I'm getting my coffee

And then you're a fan

Hey

What's up

Cheeto

Hey man

Big fan of your work

Oh dude

Fuck off

And I coffee you

Right in the face

No

I shouldn't do that

No no no

I will try it again

Yeah yeah

Yo

Love you on

I'm dying up here

No shit bitch

Yeah no

Is that not gonna work

It doesn't work

Let me try one more time

Yeah yeah

Yo

I'll see you next time. I'm dying up here no shit bitch yeah no is that not gonna work

it doesn't work

let me try one more time

yeah yeah

yo

yo

bad friends

yeah

who do you like more

me or the Korean

have you asked that before

no

have you

yeah you have

you scumbag

every time

you do you go

who do you like more

me or Andrew

yeah yeah

or I'll say something

disparaging about you

why

that guy's so not funny. Or I'll say something.
Oh my God. Just to get them to laugh.
I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I get it. Like last night, I was at this Korean bar, like I said.
Yeah, yeah, the blue bar. The blue bar.
And I was in there and people walk up and they're huge bad friends. You know what's astonishing's astonishing about this podcast what is the reach it has there i mean we reach people dude oh my god i'm about to cry bob it's not funny rudy i'm not laughing i'm smiling she's laughing so dude ask alex han so there's a doorman at the comedy store and I'm sitting there in the lobby

in the main room. I'm just sitting

there waiting to go up and Alex

goes, meet this young lady and she

walks up to me and she just bursts in the

tears. Oh.

What do you mean? Don't be like that. No, I'm

I just said, oh, like

that's cute. Carlos, help.

Yeah, just give him a chance. Alright, alright.

I just said that's cute. And I go, whoa, don't cry.
She's like, no, you don't understand. My mom died two days ago.
Oh, my God. And she goes, she's the biggest Bad Friends fan.
Was. I'm just saying.
Sorry. I'll do it again.
Thank you. I'm not wrong.
I'm just telling you what the verbiage was wrong. So I just want to let you know that my mom was a huge Friends fan.

Oh, no.

And she, I mean, I just went to, what's her name?

Jessie.

Jetski.

Juicy.

Yeah, Juice.

And I just told her that.

And I just want to say, I had to come and say that to you

because she passed away.

You know what I mean?

And I literally went, thanks.

Get the fuck.

No, no, I don't.

No, I hugged her

and we talked for like

a half an hour.

Do you remember her name?

I knew it.

Yeah.

But did she talk to Jessie?

She did.

Let's see if Juicy remembers.

If Juicy remembers her name,

I'm serious.

Yeah, yeah.

Never gonna let you live this down.

This poor girl's mom

was a huge,

and shout out to this girl,

whoever you are.

And her mom was in her 40s

and she had died.

Fuck, man, so young.

Yeah.

I'm in my,

that's me.

Yeah, I know.

Thank you. of this town.
This poor girl's mom was a huge bad... And shout out to this girl, whoever you are.
And her mom was in her 40s and she had died. Fuck, man.
So young? Yeah. I'm in my...
That's me. Yeah, I know.
We lost a viewer. Carlos.
Carlos. Deep cut.
Deep cut. And by the way...
Funny though. Whoever you are...
I hope the bad friends... Hello? Hey, Juice.
You're on the bad... Hey, what's up? You're on the pod.
Hello, what's up? I just want to ask you something. So Bobby said that there was a girl that came up to you guys and said that she lost her mom, she passed away, but her mom was a big Bad Friends fan.
Do you remember that? Yep, Addie. Juicy? That's her name, Addie.
Hey, I just want to say this real fast. I love you, and I'll tonight okay alright bye didn't even fucking ask her new off the bat Bobby Bobby bro didn't even ask her and remembered right away her name was Addie.

By the way, Addie, if you're out there, let me say this.

We love you.

Thank you for being a Bad Friends fan.

We love our Bad Friends family.

And I'm sorry about your mom.

And you're the shit.

And we love Addie.

So thank you.

We appreciate you.

Oh, Addie.

And thank you for coming along with us. I'm so sorry, Addie.

Yeah, you should be.

Say sorry to your fucking look in your camera.

Addie, I'm sorry, but.

No, don't but when you're saying sorry. Why? Because that's

not what... I have other things to say!

Just say I'm sorry and... Okay.

I'm sorry and...

Right? By the

way... No, don't tell us something.

Yeah. And I

was really good conversing

with you for a half hour.

What is that?

What is that?

I don't... Don't be mean.
I'm not being

I'm going being mean. I loved her.
Rudy said, we love you, Addy. We love you, Addy.
But it was like so like just... No, that's beautiful.
Because, you know, it's funny because and you get it from all over the world. Like I've been talking to people from, you know, Australia, other people, people that live in Korea that like Bad Friends.
That's nuts. Right? And it's like, you know, when I – because now, you know, I'm just trying to be different.
I'm posting more on Instagram. I'm getting more involved.
You know what I mean? That's cool. Yeah.
And I'll come first with some fans on, you know what I mean, direct message. And they're just like – they just love the show so much.
But it's funny because we go to this shitty parking lot in this shitty building, right? And we come here and it's kind of like, all right, here we are, let's do it. You never think that people are watching, really.
Watching our little show. Our little show, you know, but it's just like, it's pretty cool, man.
Well, I agree, man. I'm very appreciative of the Bad Friends fan base.
And so are the guys, you know? It keeps them employed because otherwise, can you imagine what these scumbags would be doing if it wasn't for us?

What do you think Pete would be doing if he wasn't

on this show?

He'd be a grip for a low budget thing.

Oh, okay. I see that.

I was going to say grave digger

or grave robber, sorry.

Nah, he's too big to be a grave

robber. What do you mean he's strong?

He's so strong, he can lift the casket out.

You can't have someone Carlos the size lifting a

casket. It's not going to work.
But he's a big

Thank you. he's too big to be a grave robber what do you mean he's strong he's so strong he can lift the casket out you can't have someone Carlos as size lifting a casket it's not going to work but he's a big guy though Pete? yeah he's strong as fuck I know so I'm the guy I don't know who looks after the graveyard let me tell you something you need a strong guy to help lift the casket there's no cameras you need a skinny guy like Carlos to wiggle down there to fit into small holes.
And I have this for protection. And he's got a gun.
Yeah. And you need someone like you to distract.
Oh, why? Like, what do I do? Make look at the body? You know, here comes the guy who goes to the graveyard, the guy who runs the graveyard. What y'all doing over here this time? And you got to be like, oh, we're, you know, we're just saying goodbye to our aunt that passed away.
And we're paying our respect. You have to distract while these guys are doing the dirty work,

dude.

I got my shovel.

No,

but I,

I feel like under pressure,

I would probably fuck it up.

Okay.

Hey,

what do you,

Hey,

Hey,

Hey,

Whoa,

Whoa,

Whoa.

Hey,

what the fuck are you doing in my graveyard,

boy?

My,

my uncle Benji,

your uncle Benji.

He just died.

Benji Lieberman.

Ferguson Lieberman.

Yeah.

Benji Ferguson. Your uncle.
Junior. Yeah uncle Junior yeah really Yeah he's in my car Wait what I can't bury him No when does it open Man you're fucking this up Like I wouldn't know yeah yeah You would have to pretend like you're paying your respects to the dead Oh I see I wouldn't know that I'd be like No I'm'm trying to bury this guy try it again.
Oh, I'll do it again

Hey, hey, hey, what the fuck you doing in my graveyard. It's beautiful.
Thank you the landscaping. Thank you Oh, go ahead walk around that good.
That's good. That would have worked.
Yeah. Just admiring the world of her.
Hey, wait Excuse me. What are you doing over here in our graveyard? I'm saying hi to my mom.
What's her name? Lepa Dua.

Oh, Lepa Dua's over there.

Row six. Over here in our graveyard I'm saying hi to my mom What's her name? Lipa Dua Oh Lipa Dua's over there Row 6 Wait Lipa Dua's your fucking mom? That's crazy I have to go I have to say hi 3 in the morning I mean there's no one here She's not going anywhere She's been dead That's mean We're grave people We're around this all day You think I'm like weirded out by the dead She just died a month ago Yeah god bless How'd she die? Cancer In the vagina Really? Was it the Bobby Lee? Yeah Or was it the Bethesda gland Bartholin Was it the Bartholins gland? The Bobby Lee gland You mean the whole part Sorry about that Can I go now? How old are you? 20 I don't know if you're allowed to be here at night by yourself i'm really depressed and i just want to talk to her talk to us i don't know you well get to know me but we're alive yeah we happen to be alive and we'll talk back to you yeah yeah i want to talk to my mom i think you should talk to us first yeah hey you want to see my new new van? Ooh.
No. No.
You got to see the new van. I'm just going to get murdered.
We need help. We have a couch.
We're loading into the van. We need your help.
That sounds like you're going to murder me. No, no, no.
You like wells?

Let me ask you something.

Okay.

This is not sexual.

Okay.

Have you ever seen a pair of testicles hang at the same length?

No, I haven't seen that. Check this shit out.

No.

No.

Dude, we should do a fucking movie where we own a graveyard.

Yeah.

We're two guys. What are they called? Not mort morticians what are the guys that fucking run a graveyard called morticians there's security of some no no dude graveyard security they're called a thing because the morticians fix the bodies yeah i don't want to do that i don't want to like prepare the bodies like the makeup yeah dude they make up well first of all they have to like drain them you know out.
And then you have to. And then you fill them with.
Formaldehyde. Formaldehyde, right? You fill them with a chemical.
Yeah, formaldehyde. It preserves the body.
And then if they had like a disastrous, you know what I mean, death. Oh my God.
Like a car accident, you have to fix their face. Yeah, it's crazy.
Like mold. Unarmed residential security guards, graveyard, weekends, swing.
We could fucking do it. 16 to 19 an hour.
What are they paying you at the library at school $16 you could make up to $19 I want to do that late night will you apply for her for this please I want to apply for her to be an unarmed residential security guard at a graveyard on weekends and it's a swing job so it's not full time you jump in when they need you there's some qualifications oh let's read them valid California BSIS guard card. Do you have that? We'll fucking get one.
We got to get that. We got to get that.
You got a driver's license, right? Yeah. Reliable transportation.
You got the Prius. You got the Prius.
Yeah. Great interpersonal communication skills when dealing with visitors to the site.
Well, we just tried. Let's try again.
Let's see if you can. Okay, ready? But this is real.
You're now a security guard and we're visiting. Right.
So we just need you to be able to. What do you even.
What do I have to do? Why do I have to talk to them? Well, fuck, dude. Do you want the job or not? Yeah.
I thought I was just looking out on the graveyard. Their visit.
Sometimes the fucking graveyard is open and you're still a security guard. You still have to make sure everything is going okay.
So people are coming to grieve or pay their respects? Sometimes as a teenager you got to kick off who's causing trouble. So we're a couple.
We're a couple. We're gay.
Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right. Oh, no.
We're back here again. Hi.
Hi. How are you? We're here to see our friend.
Ramon. Ramon.
Yeah died. His name is Big Shlong.
Big Shlong? Yeah, that was his nickname. His nickname, Big Shlong.
Is there any way we could... Look, I know this is a weird request, but we have this huge black dildo.
Is there a way we could place this with super glue on the tombstone? Yeah. He loved black dildos.
He loved big black dildos. Well, he liked the flesh, the fleshy kind, the real ones.
The real ones, but this is the best we could do. We couldn't cut off a real black piece.
Some people might find it inappropriate, but do you have any design that can kind of cover it up? That's interesting. Like a box? Yeah, or like flowers.
So if we get some flowers and make put flowers around the cock you'll let us do that yeah you can do it yeah thank you great great fucking great look what she did yeah she saw the situation assessed it assessed and handled it look at the bottom requirement look at this go to the bottom note to the left to the left ability to act with integrity in a professional manner and that's what you did exactly what that was the only thing you need is a valid cibs card card never gonna get that how do we get it yeah yeah i feel like we just need to get one of these fucking psis cards and you're yeah how do we get those welcome to the bureau of security invest and investigative investigative but i don't have a visa what the Snitch on yourself? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess we could apply online now.
Okay, let's apply for her, honestly, to see if we can genuinely. Yeah, yeah, let's get her on fucking.
We'll do this. We don't need to do it.
You don't need to go through the, oh, you've got your user ID ready for the CA.gov. So seriously, when this show is done, I'm dead serious.
Please apply for this, and I want to see if we can get you a job as a swing guard for a security guard at a graveyard why do you want me to because i think it's going to be healthy for you in the real world to use these skills working at the campus bookstore it ain't going to cut it okay let me tell you something rudy here in america everybody at one point in their life has worked in a graveyard yeah i have it's just a part of the thing of growing up okay you know what like what is that in the philippines is there a oh could we fake one i mean yeah let's photoshop one oh yeah well let's photoshop it yeah great that's perfect done you could work at the hollywood forever one the best best graveyard humphrey bogart's buried there there's so many look at the famous people that are buried at Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Do I get free food? I guess.
I don't know if they have... I just don't know.
It's like they don't have craft service. You know what I mean? It's not a shoot.
Look at this. She knows none of these people, by the way.
Jane Mansfield, Cecil B. DeMille, Bugsy Siegel, Johnny Ramone.
Wow. Wow, dude.
Wow, look at the fucking level.

Look at the level.

Mel Blanc.

Dude, this is so amazing how many people are buried there.

Is Charles Chaplin the comedian?

That's very good.

No, the carpenter.

Very good.

That's Charles Chaplin the carpenter.

The carpenter.

Yeah.

The builder.

Oh.

Yeah.

No, is the comedian, the legend.

I know him.

Estelle Getty. Do you know who that is? No.
Okay. I guess Estelle Getty Do you know who that is No Okay I guess there's no Do you know the Ramones The band the Ramones I've I don't know Okay That one's gotta be tough for you Bobby It's just Everything is tough That's gotta be tough That she doesn't know that It was the dog But now it's the Ramones You know what I mean? And then the dog.
Who the fuck is Virginia Rap? Who is that? She was a model and a silent film actress. Not so many skills there.
She died after attending a party with actor Roscoe Fatty Arbuckle. Love Fatty Arbuckle.
She was accused of manslaughter and rape in connection to her death, but he got away with it and now she's he was exonerated because he knew enough you could get away with anything you could just kill someone and people no forensics you just if you knew a cop you were like i didn't do it and they're like he didn't do it yeah i mean that's how easy it was back there's fatty arbuckle so he killed virginia rob wow and he got away with it probably raped her too. What a fat piece of shit.
What a shithead. Where's that fat piece of shit buried? Yeah.
Look at that fat scumbag. Look at that.
So he killed her. I love how they say he was exonerated, but they don't give any indication over why.
Woodlawn Cemetery in New York. Well, we're going to fuck.
When we go to New York, you want to go piss on his grave? Fuck yeah, man. I'll go piss on that fat piece of shit's grave.
Yeah. And imagine having the name Fatty.
Imagine how fat you have to be for him to go, fuck it, I'm Fatty. Right? It's like...
Yeah, Fatty Arbuckle. Look at that guy.
He was a comedian. Look at that.
Look at that fat fuck. fat fuck that fat we actually we're actually being so mean we don't know if we don't know we don't know what he really did yeah but it did sound like if you were fucking charged with murder somebody let me could ralphie may do that i don't think so i mean look at that that's fucking circus elation right there dude you know getting enough credit, though? It's the guy holding the women up top.
That must hurt his shoulders so bad. I mean, Fatty's fat.
Yeah, yeah. He's like a cinder block.
He's just hanging out. That can't be that hard on his joints.
Those two poor women, dude. What a nightmare.
Look at him. He's grabbing their breasts, dude.
Yeah. Zoom in on the one in the white.
Yeah, yeah yeah he doesn't give a fuck look at him he's grabbing her tip hey look at that look

at that zoom zoom and she's like can you get the pit right nah breast or nothing i'm fat the breast he really is the right breast and look at her mouth she's open she's like hey cut it out

by the way silent film

yeah I mean I know you know look

problems open it's like hey cut it out by the way silent film yeah i mean i know you know look pioneered where we are today incredible but can you imagine how easy it'd be to get away with being a bad actor in silent film oh my god do anything one take everything yeah yeah yeah that's it that's One take. Killed it.
A movie takes three days to make. A full feature.

128 pages.

Yeah, yeah, yeah that's it that's one take killed it a movie takes three days to make a full feature 128 pages yeah yeah yeah chaplain though chaplain though when you're good you're great you're great right when you're when you're good at doing silent and making eye movements and hand gestures and physicality dude we should do that a silent film You and I should do a black and white silent film with Jules.

Bro.

And Jetski. I'm not fucking kidding.

Let's do it.

I would kill to do a silent film with you.

We'll wear the fucking outfits.

What's the outfits?

It's just like the black and white.

They just wear clothes.

No.

Of that era.

But you couldn't see what they were because it was black and white.

Like those clothes.

Okay.

You mean of that time period. Of that era.
Yeah. Got it.
Okay. Good.
I want suspenders for sure. And then who's going to do the fonts? The what? There needs to be a.
The organ player? No, the fonts. The subtitles.
Subtitles. Oh, the subtitles.
Yeah. The title cards.
Yeah. Well, Pete.
Oh, you do it in post. Yeah.
My bad. You do it in post.
Title cards. In fact, why don't we do this? Why don't we don't write the fucking, you the fucking you know I mean write it we'll just do the movie first and then we'll figure out what it is later brilliant right I think that's I think that's brilliant I love that and that's your you that's your creative side of it yeah that's genius I fucking love I love it a silent film from bad friends um will you do one reenactment of something for me before we go what is it so there's there's a guy online that I have a huge crush on, and I know you know who he is because I've sent him to you before, and we get sent this on a constant basis.
Will you show this guy? This guy right here? People have asked us a thousand times to reenact this. He's incredible.
He can pull stuff with his tits, his penis. Can I say something? What? That could have been his 200th time No it wasn't It could have been I think he says in there how many takes it takes But you don't know It could have taken a thousand times Will you try this? I'll do it but give me as many times as he gets it I think he probably did it once There's no way's his name, Pete? Can you see what his name is?

This guy's the fucking man.

Okay, let's see.

Oh, this is amazing.

Oh, you... Okay.

And we gotta clamp your titties and you gotta try it.

You do it now?

Yeah.

Okay.

This is how we'll go home.

I think it's just gonna fly away.

Mm-hmm. away yeah me too okay this is the wrong thing like his doesn't look like that it's like it was like harder yeah but this is for don't do the top one maybe maybe the top one can go two on two tits and two on the other tits Ow! You're fine.
Like you haven't had something clamped to your titty before.

That's insane. Come on, baby.
Is it not working? Let me try. It's gonna hurt, dude.
That? Yeah. That hurt.

It's more skin.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, there we go.

Yeah, exactly.

We can just put this one onto this one.

And then...

It hurts so bad.

Does it?

Yeah, we'll do it back.

Ow!

Ow!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ow! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ow, ow! Oh, I'm trying, I'm trying.
Ow! Oh, does that work? Okay. Oh, come on.
What about on the actual nipple? It can't. The nipples aren't superficial enough.
Ow! I just want to hurt so...

Ow! I'm not doing it.

Try it! I'm not doing it!

I'm not doing it! It hurts too much.

You try it!

See? I won't stay on it.

Yeah, yeah, it. Fuck.

We tried.

That guy's better than us.

Yeah, he's better than us.

All right.

Fuck me.

I wish that worked.

All right, let's go.

All right.

We have to say thank you for being a bad friend.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rudy, on the count of three.

One, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Rudy, on the count of three.
One, two, three.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Woo-hoo, yeah-eeh Woo-hoo, yeah-eeh