Rudy Burns The Cookies

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Speaker 2 Hey!

Speaker 2 Hey, I got some dates coming up. I'm filming my special in Denver September 24th.
Also, I'm going to be in Salt Lake City September 9th and 10th. Then I'm doing Bray on the 13th.

Speaker 2 I'm doing Minneapolis and Madison, Wisconsin, 16, 17. Then September 24th, I'll be in Denver filming my special at the Paramount Theater.
Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.

Speaker 2 AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.

Speaker 3 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting. Woo!

Speaker 2 You two or something. We're bad friends.
Hey. Hey! Happy birthday! Happy birthday to Jules.

Speaker 2 Happy birthday to Jules. You're back in the studio.
Happy birthday, birthday, birthday. Hey, did you.

Speaker 2 Welcome back. I heard you guys got another dog.

Speaker 2 I didn't get it. Well, you're there.
It's your house. Yeah, it's just like, it just shows up, like the cones from my trees in the back.
Cones?

Speaker 2 Yeah, like I have pine cones in the trees and they fall, right? They just show up. The owl that hangs out in the pine cone tree,

Speaker 2 right? He just should be showing up, dog, all day, every day without no invites, bro. And that's why, that's why this dog, no invite, nothing.
All of a sudden, there's Cujo in my fucking house, right?

Speaker 2 I can't go into certain rooms, right? And then these bitches,

Speaker 2 sorry about before my language. No, it's fine.
Yeah, yeah. These bitches.

Speaker 2 These bitches, right, are like, you don't, you know, they go, don't, you know, touch it or say hi to it or look, because, you know, pit bulls, they don't like you. History shows.

Speaker 2 But when you put out that kind of... History shows what? With Koreans or him?

Speaker 3 No, because we've fostered other pit bulls and every one of them growled at Tito Bobby.

Speaker 2 Well, maybe it's the dog. Maybe it's the breed of dog and not Tito Babby.
Exactly.

Speaker 2 My breed is pure.

Speaker 2 He is pure breed. I'm pure breed.
He's pure broad. Fat.
Pure broad? Yeah, I'm pure bred. You're pure broad.

Speaker 2 That's blood. I know, but pure broad.
Did you have to do the accent? Well, because I'm not shut up.

Speaker 2 You're pure. I'm pure.
You are pure. So the pitpull is wrong.

Speaker 3 No, but his energy is wrong. No, it's not.

Speaker 2 Really? Let me say something right now. Okay? I'm sorry, my bad.
No, go ahead. All right, let me just.
May I? I may.

Speaker 2 Where was this pit bull for the last 10 years?

Speaker 3 In the crate.

Speaker 2 In a cage. Yeah.
Right? No human contact. Where? Guatemala?

Speaker 2 Why Guatemala? I don't know. I feel like you get to keep it on.
My instinct said Guatemala, too.

Speaker 2 My instinct said that too, dog. We're connected, dude.
So

Speaker 2 where in Guatemala? What's that? Where in Guatemala was it?

Speaker 3 In

Speaker 3 Nuapisco.

Speaker 2 Oh, Nuopisco? Nuopisco, Guatemala. That's got to be one of the toughest parts of Guatemala I've ever heard of.
Yeah, yeah. You know what they do down there? What? No.
You don't, seriously?

Speaker 2 They pull your toenails off one by one if you don't pay your bills. And then in the streets, they make you get naked and you sing a crazy song.
I don't have monies. I don't have monies.

Speaker 2 And then they clap at you and they spit on you. And that's how, it's crazy.
And then they close with. Chicle.
chickle, right? It's nuts. I hate that.
Have you been there? I hate been there

Speaker 2 gum. In Tijuana, that's all they sell is chickle.
Yeah, chiclets. You know what I mean? There's no flavor.
Chiclet, chiclet, chiclet, chiklet. Yes.
Anyway, Bobby and I have both been to Guatemala.

Speaker 2 We love it. We just toured comedy down there.
Yes. There's a bunch of good gigs down there.
There's actually a couple of good clubs down there.

Speaker 2 So, this dog has been in prison for 10 years, gets out, growls at me, a Christian. A God-fearing.
A God-fearing Christian with a foundation of glory, right? Praise God.

Speaker 2 And you're saying that I'm the wrong one? Yeah, you're wrong.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because dogs can sense bad vibes. So maybe you have something in you.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah? You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got good vibes.
Maybe your dog has bad vibes.

Speaker 3 But, like, why doesn't he growl at me or at the Kalyan?

Speaker 2 Because I'll tell you why. Because evil knows evil.
Boom! Boom! Right? Boom. If Hannibal Lecter, right, and fucking Buffalo Bill are together, they're having a great time.
They're having a great time.

Speaker 2 They know each other very well. There's no well work.

Speaker 2 No one's going to go goo in the well, right? But they do that to the good people. That's right.
So I'm the good one in this storybook. So you guys are evil.
You're the little, the triangle, the

Speaker 2 pentaphagram. What is that called? Pentagram.
What? Pentagram? The pentagram. Pentanagram.
You're the pentaphagram. Yeah, yeah.
But you're the pentanagram of evil. Yeah.
You are the axis of evil.

Speaker 2 You, Auntie Kalila, and the pup. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you know what? Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're done. I'm done with it too.
We're done. Kalila is Nazi Germany.
That's right. You're Mussolini in Italy, right? And the dog is fucking Japan.
Yep. That's what it feels like.

Speaker 2 It's an entire country of Japan. Yeah.
Not in any way. Like now, not back then.
Now, Japan, now. Current Japan.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're Japan 2022.

Speaker 2 So what I'm saying is that you, right, know, right, that I'm pure-blooded and my heart is good. That's right.
And the dog is evil, correct?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's the dog's name?

Speaker 3 It's Bucky.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I kind of like it. Why? Bucky's a nice name for a dog.
It's a good name. Yeah, I guess so.
Come here, Bucky. Yeah.
Bucked out.

Speaker 2 Isn't that Captain America's buddy? Yes, Winter Soldier. Winner Soldier.
Bucky, right? Yeah. Yeah, I like it.
I like that character. Wait, the Winter Soldier? Yeah.
His name, Bucky? No, his friend.

Speaker 2 Oh, his buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I know Winter Soldier. I know Sebastian Stan.

Speaker 2 Was there a Summer Soldier? No.

Speaker 2 I mean, they should have both soldiers, right?

Speaker 2 They should do both.

Speaker 2 Captain America should be Summer Soldier. You know, Spring Soldier is gay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey!

Speaker 2 You know what time of the year it is. My shield is so shiny.

Speaker 2 Spring Soldier.

Speaker 2 Such bright colors. Beautiful.
Winter Soldier, though. Yeah.
What does Summer Soldier look like? Summer Soldier is they're wearing what they do in

Speaker 2 that. It's got to be like a bro.
Summer Soldier's got to be like. There's no armor.
It's just all in white.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? It's like that one movie that was before Labor Day. What's that one movie with the cult and the guy that did Hereditary? Midsomer? Midsomer.
Oh, yeah, that's a Summer Soldier.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Who's the Fall Soldier? The Fall Soldier.

Speaker 2 It's leaves, it's dark, it's ominous, rainy, usually cold, Halloween-y. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Idris Alba. Why?

Speaker 2 I don't know. And I think you're trying to corner me, just do something razor.
I am, but I just, it just kind of

Speaker 2 like Guatemala. Like, like,

Speaker 2 we're cornering you right now. Like Guatemala.
Getting smaller. I know, but did you? What about the fall is so dark?

Speaker 2 By the way, Idris Ilba, flawed, could do any fucking thing. He could do whatever he wants.
So he can be the falso soldier. He's the false soldier.
Because you know what?

Speaker 2 Idris Ilba does make me think about cuddling up and feeling warm. I agree with you.

Speaker 2 Look up Idris Ilba in a turtleneck. Watch this.
Yeah. Watch this.

Speaker 2 Fucking boom.

Speaker 2 Tell me that's not the false soldier. That's the false soldier for sure.
And that's why I said

Speaker 2 that right. But I feel like.
And you questioned me when I said cuddling up and keeping warm, and that's exactly what I thought about.

Speaker 2 But what when you said that, though, I just imagined like if he's spooning me and it gets too hot and I want to scoot away, I feel like he won't. He's too strong.
He's like, no. Look at his arms.

Speaker 2 No, mate. No, mate.
No, mate. No mic.
Can't scoot out. You know what I mean? I'm sweating.
Closer than false soldier. I'm sweating.
Closer than.

Speaker 2 Look at how fucking hot this guy is.

Speaker 2 That guy is so fucking hot did you find him hot really hot oh god but have you ever made let me let's let's get to the facts why let's get to the facts what are the facts i'm a factual this show is about facts it's about facts yeah not a black guy in there

Speaker 3 because i'm still

Speaker 3 trying to find them

Speaker 2 what do you mean you've never seen them before

Speaker 2 they're everywhere but they don't they don't like me

Speaker 3 interesting yeah it's what you give out yeah it's your vibe but i thought black men like Asians.

Speaker 3 They do.

Speaker 2 Not your kind. Not your kind.
Yeah, your kind is bad. You're bad.
Yuck. Gross.

Speaker 2 You're bad Asian. Although, Tiger Woods' mom was that type.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's true. Is that true? Yeah, I'm just trying to get to the facts here.
Yeah, yeah. Clotilda Woods.
That looks like a part of your family.

Speaker 2 Her name was Katilda. Yeah.
That's kind of a cool name. Yeah, so black dudes do like that type of Asian.
I guess they do. Yeah, they do.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've never seen a black guy with like a porcelain-skinned Korean girl. No.
Yeah. No.
No. I haven't, actually.
I think what would happen is if they made love to him, they would just implode, maybe.

Speaker 2 You think? They don't just have the because they're so bony, right? Whoa. What, Korean girls? No, no.
Is that Rudy?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Rudy, that's you. That's you for sure in a couple of days.
30 years from now. Yeah, that's Rudy.
That's you for sure. My God.
My God, dude, that is you. That's you.
Look at that.

Speaker 2 Well, then maybe we should get you to date a black guy. Are you still with your guy? Yeah.
Yeah, he's out of town. He's out of town, though.
Oh, so you're free?

Speaker 2 Wow. Who do we know that she could date?

Speaker 2 Well, she's in a committed relationship with now. I know, but if a good black guy comes along, we'll have to sneak out of it.
Oh, right. Well, we know some.
She said that. You know what I would like?

Speaker 2 Willie.

Speaker 2 Willie Hunter? Willie Hunter. Oh, okay.
He's nice. Yeah, he's nice.
Yeah, Willie Hunter. Yeah.
Here you go. Smart.

Speaker 2 What do you think of that? He's a smart, cool dude. Works a lot.

Speaker 3 If you're on a date.

Speaker 2 Look at this this one. Do you like him? Yeah.
Okay. All right.

Speaker 3 But if you're on a date with a black guy, um...

Speaker 2 Careful.

Speaker 3 Do you have to, like, no...

Speaker 2 Tread softly?

Speaker 3 Like, um...

Speaker 2 Like, they're, like... Keep going.
Go ahead. If you're on a date with a black guy, do you have to what?

Speaker 3 Like, no, they're, like...

Speaker 2 Um.

Speaker 2 Commit to it.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 they're...

Speaker 2 What is this yo-yo

Speaker 2 house party thing you're doing?

Speaker 2 That's what I think what do you kid and play what the are you doing here have you ever had any black friends no that's the problem can we start there we gotta start there let's start there let's get you a black friend we gotta get you a black friend you understand that obviously not every black person is going to what is this thing you think they're gonna do like they're just gonna say some same words why do you keep doing this with your hands yeah yeah i don't know yeah and then i don't i won't understand it and they'll think i'm not cool yeah yeah what wouldn't you understand they're speaking your language you're both speaking english Because of that.

Speaker 2 The hand stuff? Yeah. You think they're speaking a language? You're not like, yo, shushy-fang, kongoni.

Speaker 2 And then you're like,

Speaker 2 yo, babe, shishykong,

Speaker 2 black side, lipside. You know what I mean? And you're like, what? And you're like, you know, you know what I mean? Like,

Speaker 2 no. No? No? Yeah.
You're not going to like it. Is that what you think is going to happen? And then there's some hand gesture that you're going to have to read.
Like they're sign language.

Speaker 2 They're not, they're just expressive. Okay.

Speaker 2 And not all of them. They're all very different.
They're all different. Just like all Filipinos are different.
All Koreans are different. Well, that's not true.

Speaker 2 All Koreans are kind of the same. It's funny you say that.

Speaker 2 The more Koreans I meet, the more I go, these guys are all identical. Last night, I shot with Dumbfounded.
I'm doing this movie, and he goes, let's go to Cafe Blue, which is like a Korean bar.

Speaker 2 So I went there with him, and it looked like I was in the House of Mirrors.

Speaker 2 I sort of got, I looked at House of Mirrors at a fucking, you know what I mean? Fair brown. Yeah, me, me, me, me, me, me.
Like, it was like, oh, there's a fat version of me, little version of me.

Speaker 2 There's me wiggly with me. I saw Wiggly Me last night.
You did? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, that movie is stacked. You sent me a picture.
It was like 10 people I know in that fucking movie. You should be in it.
It's amazing. You should have been in it.

Speaker 2 And it's

Speaker 2 your buddy who's sober wrote it. Yeah.
What's it about? Did you tell me? Sobriety. So it's about sobriety.
Yeah. Well, I'm not sober, so that's not.

Speaker 2 Dude, everyone's smoking weed. What are you talking about on set? Oh, really? I mean, they're high.
But is Steve-O in it? No. I thought you said Steve-Ono.
Johnny Knoxville. Oh, Knoxville's in it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Johnny's the lead. Okay, so Johnny Knoxville, you, my boy Gata from Dave.
Dude, by the way, I have to apologize to him.

Speaker 2 Why, what happened? I'll do it later. No, do it right now.

Speaker 2 You know how sometimes I don't know how to read a situation? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so, you know how sometimes I get kind of gay? Uh-huh. Yeah.
He's not the right guy to do that one. That's right.
Yeah. I fucked it up.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I just, I've been saying shit like, man, you're a skinny tall guy, man. Your dick must be so long and gorgeous.
Oh, yeah, and he just, he, it's almost as if he ran over somebody,

Speaker 2 like, he's like trying to process it,

Speaker 2 and he's just kind of like, did I, you know what I mean? Like, it's not good. Yeah, don't say that to him.

Speaker 2 You know, I keep going, like, yeah, I'd like to ride you or something like that, or something like that. You know what? This is a good time to call Gator.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I should call him right now and tell him he wants to apologize on the show. I'm not going to apologize.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to apologize for me being me. I'm just saying that next time.

Speaker 2 Yo.

Speaker 2 Gata, Gata. You're on.
yo, you're on my podcast with me and Bobby Lee. Bobby wants to say, What's up? What's up, gabe? Oh, yeah, what up, Bobby Lee? What's the deal?

Speaker 2 Yo, dude, so um, yesterday, did you think I was being a little too gay in front of you, or no? Were you weirded out by that shit, G?

Speaker 4 You are the Asian David Bird, bro. You're like fucking the Asian little dicky.

Speaker 2 So, you're like the Asian little dicky, bro. Oh, that's a good thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're you're a little dicky. I didn't

Speaker 4 you can never be too gay, bro.

Speaker 2 I'd love to see

Speaker 2 thank you so much for giving me the green light.

Speaker 2 All right, G, see, all is good now. And then, G, you got to do me a favor.
Um, yo, so Rudy, who's on our show, is a little Filipino girl. She's 20 years old.

Speaker 2 She's in the dating scene, and she's never dated a black dude, and she's afraid that they won't like her. She needs a boost of confidence from you.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Come on, man.

Speaker 4 You know, black guys, man, we like everything. We real humble, you know what I'm saying? Down to earth.
You know what I'm saying? Different flavors.

Speaker 2 Any tips? Asian persuasion.

Speaker 4 Hey, remember that. You got the Asian persuasion.

Speaker 2 You have the Asian persuasion. Yeah.
But she doesn't have a bubbly butt. It's like more bony.
Yeah, she's very bony.

Speaker 4 Hey, it ain't about the body, man. It's about your knowledge, man.
It's about your personality. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 She doesn't have personality either. No, no personality.
Kind of a problem. Yeah, that's a problem.

Speaker 4 Also, yeah, well, I mean, you just need to be led, man.

Speaker 4 Hey, if you don't got no personality, man, just follow a real dick and lead.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you understand that?

Speaker 2 No. All right.
Yo, Gator, I love you, bro. I'll talk to you soon.
All right. Love you, buddy.
See you Monday. All right, G.
Peace.

Speaker 2 He's the best. He's a good dude.
So he's in it. Mo Amer's in it.
Oh, yeah. I know, Mo.
Yeah, he's a great guy. Yeah? Yeah, great guy.

Speaker 2 There's this. Oh, dude, there's this fucking kid in it, man.
His name is fucking Adam Faison. He's like a fucking prodigy actor.
Adam Faison. A prodigy actor.
This gentleman right here? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wonderful. Dude, this kid is a fucking prodigy.

Speaker 2 In what term? What do you mean? It's just like, you know how, like, we are all, you know, Theo's, Von's in it, so we're all sitting around me, Theo, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Theo will say lines when it's not even his turn to speak. That sounds right.
Yeah, yeah. Everyone's fucking around.
Everyone's like, what is that?

Speaker 2 This dude is in the corner getting into the character. So he's a real actor.
Yeah. And he walks on and he has tears in his eyes and he's being so real.

Speaker 2 And everyone's just going, oh, fuck, we should fire this guy. He's obviously been trained.
Yeah, he's a trained dude.

Speaker 2 Does he have like a bio or something like that? He's new, man. He's new.
So he's a fucking prodigy. He hasn't done anything.
He's a fucking prodigy, dude. Well, shout out to Adam Adam Faison.

Speaker 2 He's from Poway. Is he really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you go to Powwe Huck? Yep. He did.
So we need the same people.

Speaker 2 Is he on the Powwe alumni page? No. You better believe he's not.
There's only one guy in this room. So anyway, the movie is

Speaker 2 what's it called?

Speaker 2 Sweet Dreams. I'm made of these.
Yeah. Whoever mind to disagree.
I'll give you $1,000 to double the world.

Speaker 2 I'll give you $1,000 to tell me who wrote that. No.

Speaker 2 Seven C's.

Speaker 2 Everybody. Come on.
Looking. Maybe they do.
Doing a Filipino accent. Maybe she'll know it.
Looking for something.

Speaker 2 One of them wants to be.

Speaker 2 I don't know. One of them wants to be happy.

Speaker 2 By the way, Pete's still bobbing his head. He likes it.
He likes it in both versions, International and... He's going to give you $1,000 if you can guess who that is.
$1,000. Is there another?

Speaker 2 There's another, so let's do another song by them. There's a bunch of different versions of that song, by the way.
You could have named anybody that did that song.

Speaker 2 That song's been sung by multiple different bands. Covered, I should say.
What's another argument?

Speaker 3 So it's a band?

Speaker 2 Don't type it in. Don't type it in.
Don't tell me. What are you typing it in for? He almost typed it up.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm going to try to figure out another song that they sing.

Speaker 2 Well, it's not, she's never going to know. Yeah, I think so.
She knows a song that, like, here we go. There's another one.

Speaker 2 You know that song, though, don't you? Yeah. Love is a stranger in the pocket world.
I don't know that.

Speaker 2 Can we do an album? I'm serious. Can we do a Bad Friends album? What?

Speaker 2 I didn't know the lyrics. Doesn't matter about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Why is it in an Asian accent?

Speaker 2 For you to understand it. It's for you.
It's for you. What are you talking about? I'm catering it for you.

Speaker 2 Sorry. Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, TJo Bobby's doing you a favor. Favor, right? You're awfully selfish, but

Speaker 2 you bring in a new dog. Yeah.
You don't like when he's helping you.

Speaker 2 We're trying to get you black dates. Yeah.
We're doing everything for you on this show. When is the dog going to leave? When is the dog going to leave?

Speaker 2 When is the dog going to leave? By the way, the dog is a metaphor for you.

Speaker 2 When are you going to leave? When are you going to leave? When are you going to leave?

Speaker 3 The dog is going to leave at the end of the month.

Speaker 2 What about you?

Speaker 2 I don't know yet. Yeah, okay.
Yeah. She's never going to move out.
You know, she's living there for the rest of time. Yeah,

Speaker 2 I'm not giving you guys pressure to leave. Well, her specifically, for sure.
Yeah, I'm saying you to leave. You need to leave.
Why? Yeah. Because we've had enough.

Speaker 3 We've had enough. We never see see each other in the house.

Speaker 2 It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
He smells you. Yeah.
And can I just say this too, just off the record, right?

Speaker 2 In the Philippines, when you cook a cookie, do you cook it to the point where it's just black charcoal?

Speaker 3 Sometimes, because we like it.

Speaker 2 No, be honest. What the fuck is going on with your cookies?

Speaker 3 I don't know. I followed the instructions.
It said 15 minutes, and then after 15 minutes, it was burnt.

Speaker 2 Right. So then I told you to fucking do another batch.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and it wasn't burnt.

Speaker 2 It was burnt. No.

Speaker 2 All right, it was burnt. So what about this, right? Why don't you set it for 15, and then at eight minutes, check up on it? Check it out.

Speaker 2 Just to see. Okay.

Speaker 2 All right. My favorite thing is, Bobby Went, off the record.
We're filming on eight cameras with two microphones. Off the record.
Off the record. By the way,

Speaker 2 burning cookies

Speaker 2 is almost impossible.

Speaker 2 Everybody looks good because everybody wants it, because you want it fast. Yeah, yeah.
So you look at three minutes, you look at five, you look at eight, and then you know, it's about right.

Speaker 3 It was still good.

Speaker 2 No way. It wasn't.

Speaker 2 Nobody wants burnt cookies, buddy. I tasted it.
No, you could eat the top part.

Speaker 3 I ate the burnt part.

Speaker 3 It's still good.

Speaker 2 No. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Nobody wants burnt cookies. There's like a scale.
There was a scale that somebody put up, a burnt cookie scale. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like one, it was like a one to 10 thing somebody put up on Twitter.

Speaker 2 And the amount of people that liked it closer to Burnt made me sick. Like people like, dude, people like burnt cookies, Bob.
They do? People are crazy. I like Burnt Rice.

Speaker 2 Different story. Yeah,

Speaker 2 crispy Burnt Rice is my favorite. I don't know where, I don't know who put it up.

Speaker 2 Maybe it was like a Rex Chapman tweet or whatever, but if you just regular Google, just regular Google burnt cookie scale. But dude, so many people wanted it closer to Burnt.

Speaker 2 And I was like, no, I want it soft. I'll always take a soft cookie.
I don't need a super crispy ever. Yeah.
Boo burnt cookies. Chime.
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Speaker 2 Well, there you go.

Speaker 2 Okay, we'll use this as a tanny is where

Speaker 2 based on this, Tanny is where her cookie level is at. I imagine.
Right, right.

Speaker 2 All right, so that's 10. Okay, what's perfect for you out of that scale? Out of one to 10? Rudy, tell me what's perfect for Cookie.
Eight. Insane.
Insane. Off your fucking head, lady.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Eight is burnt. It's bummed out.
Five. I like it.
Five. Five is perfect.
Five is perfect.

Speaker 2 If it had a five and a half, five and a half would be the number. Yeah.
Right between five and six. Eight.
To eight.

Speaker 2 Look what his brother nine looks like. Yeah, yeah.
Look at his next door neighbor. Look at nine.

Speaker 2 If there was like a house, if there was house fires spreading through people's homes and your house was eight and your neighbor's nine, you're fucked. You know what nine and ten look like together?

Speaker 2 Uh-oh. What? I just waiting for whatever you're going to say.
Gate is not sex.

Speaker 2 I was right. You were.
By the way, if you turn it sideways, the left one is long, is hanging lower than the right one. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Which of your balls hangs lower?

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. I'll tell you why.
I don't know. Are they the same? Are you a parent? No, no, I'll tell you why I don't know.
Why? I don't know if I have balls.

Speaker 2 bob yeah i don't know if i have them there are they hidden it's just there's no like you know when you look in the mirror like my first of all my sacks

Speaker 2 are so soft what do you mean sacks you have one bud oh shit i have two what the fuck i they mean that's the problem you have a soft sack yeah yeah i have soft sack you have a stretchy sack it's not stretchy they're they're wrinkly but they're very soft so you don't know which ball hangs lower i think most men know which nut hangs lower pete right away watch pete Pete which ball hangs lower left left

Speaker 2 right

Speaker 2 so there are some you need to look up can I show you mine a hundred percent all right so close your eyes close your eyes cuz I need to see which one hang hangs lower

Speaker 2 You got to pull your hands away. All right, but can you yeah, yeah, that's okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 oh My god

Speaker 2 they're literally parallel I'm not kidding. They're exactly at the same length.
Yeah. They're a they're identical droop.
They're twins. They're twins.
They're fucking twins. They're twins.

Speaker 2 Like Ronald Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito and twins.

Speaker 2 No, that's what yours like.

Speaker 2 No, mine actually is.

Speaker 2 I want mine shit to be proportional.

Speaker 2 I'm not kidding when I say this. I've never seen a perfectly symmetrical nuts at all.
His balls were identical. Exactly.

Speaker 2 If I could have had a fucking tape measure, they would have, and put it underneath, it'd have been the same droop. I tape measure it every day.
Every morning, that's what I do.

Speaker 2 I've never seen the same droop. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're a left nut? Yeah. I'm a right-nut guy.
You're a right-nut guy. Yeah.
God bless. Right-nutters.
So, in the this, I don't know about biology or the human body. No, this show?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but the nut, because the actual ball, the thing that you can feel, right? Is that like just one large cum?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Are they just two large pieces of cum rock? Are they cum rock? Cum rock. What I assume is this, right? Cum rock, right? Now you're horny, right? Right.
And it heats up the cum rock, right?

Speaker 2 And a little bit drips down. Correct.
It's like candle wax.

Speaker 2 Like

Speaker 2 candle wax, right? Same thing. And then when you go to bed, right, it just grows.
Oh, the cum rock. Yeah, just what, just by literally.

Speaker 2 There's a little guy back there scooping on some more cum to onto the rock. Oh, there's a little guy there.
Yeah, yeah. I'll take care of that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is he a dwarf? Of course.

Speaker 2 Oh, because

Speaker 2 he's a good fit back there. Yeah.
I got to put some more.

Speaker 2 I got to put some more ideas out of this thing before this guy goes to sleep.

Speaker 2 Look, I was right. It's a cum rock.
And see, there's the guy. You can see it right there.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Look at the little blue vein. Oh, that's gross.
Does it mean anything, Carlos, when one ball is lower than the other? I mean, is there a parallel nutsack thing that we can? Because I'm super curious.

Speaker 2 By the way, this.

Speaker 7 What's that? It said in most people's balls, either one will hang.

Speaker 7 They're almost never symmetrical.

Speaker 2 Bobby. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean this with all my heart as one of your best friends. Thank you.
This is why you're special. Thank you.

Speaker 2 You know, everybody all the time is like, what is it about Bobby Lee? And you're like, I know. Yeah, now you know.
He's got the same nuts. His nuts are

Speaker 2 identical, Drew. I'm about to cry right now.
Bobby, you're special and I love you. I'm about to cry right now.
I'm like, okay, let it out, baby. No, I'm just proud of myself.
You should be. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're epididymis, and you're. What are testicles made out of? Are they cum rocks like Bobby thinks? Because I think they might be.
The more I think about it, the more I think he's right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just thinking about it.
Oh, there's the inner worker. Oh, there's so much.
Definitely.

Speaker 2 There's so much going on in there. Wow.
Wow.

Speaker 2 It's its own universe. And to think there's all, there's this, yeah, right, right.
This is another galaxy. It's another galaxy.
All these planets are going on. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And to think, Rudy, you just put one of these in your mouth, and it's got all this stuff going on. You just suck on one of these things with all these working organs.

Speaker 3 Well, it looks like a brain, so I'm just eating more brains.

Speaker 2 You're eating dick brain. You're eating dick brain.
That's right. That's where the term gimme brain.
Let me ask you something.

Speaker 2 On the vaginal lips, is there a lot going on?

Speaker 2 I feel like there's not.

Speaker 2 Is there a droop on one side? Like, do...

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 is like the right hang a little lower?

Speaker 2 Yeah, does the side of a lip get low? Okay, here here we go. Does your lip hang low? Does it wobble to and fro? I like that they point out the anus.
Yeah, yeah. Like we might not know.

Speaker 2 We know what that is. Some people.
Is that a beauty mark?

Speaker 2 What is that? I've got my name in my next kid. Yeah, yeah.
Bartholin.

Speaker 2 Bartholin's gland.

Speaker 2 That's great. So there's two glands underneath the vagina, and it's called Bartholin's gland.
It sounds like a place in Lord of the Rings. Like, you mean, we can't do that.

Speaker 2 I'll meet you in Bartholomew. Bartholin's La Gland.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Don't go there.
That's where the spider is.

Speaker 2 Bartholin's glands.

Speaker 2 A wet land. Yeah, is a pair of pea-sized glands.
P-sized glands found just behind either side of the lips or surround the entrance to the vagina.

Speaker 2 The glands are not usually noticeable because they're rarely larger. The Bartholin's glands secrete fluid that acts as lubricant during sex.
Oh, so we love Bartholin's. Oh, we love Bartholin's glands.

Speaker 2 Who's Bartholin? Can we Google out who Bartholin's glands? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe it's named after a guy.
It's got to be.

Speaker 2 Who is Bartholin from Bartholin's gland? Do you you ever heard of that, Rudy? No. You might not have Bartholomew's Glands.
He was the king of the land of vagina.

Speaker 2 Imagine on Wikipedia goes, this guy was a puss god. Yeah.
Crushed so much. Oh, there's Thomas Bartholomew.

Speaker 2 He looks like a fucking pussy. Whoa.

Speaker 2 Whoa. He looks like a pussy in human form.
Holy shit. I had no idea.
That is the guy. Even if I didn't know what Bartholomew's gland, I go, he has something to do with vaginas.

Speaker 2 This dude, right? That's Bartholomew's Gland. That's the guy.
Wait,

Speaker 2 let's hear about him.

Speaker 2 I want to learn. Yeah, he's my new guy.
All right, so what's here? Zoom into personal life.

Speaker 2 I love this guy. Thomas Bartholin, who is the second of six sons to Caspar Bartholin, another physician.
All right, so here's the deal, Bob Bartholin.

Speaker 2 He visited the Italian botanist Pietro Castielli in 1644.

Speaker 2 The place burned down. His health failed.
He moved back to Copenhagen, where he died.

Speaker 2 What did he do, though? He published the first full description of the human lymphatic system. Oh, he knows about lymph nodes.

Speaker 2 This guy's the fucking man. I imagine he was down on a girl.
And he was eating a girl out. Right,

Speaker 2 right, right. And

Speaker 2 he tasted a moist part. Yeah, like,

Speaker 2 this area is very moist. Interesting.
Interesting. And he stopped the thing.
He turned the lights on. She's like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah.
Right. He's like, let me get my microscope.

Speaker 2 Turn the lights off. Yeah.
And then he looked and he discovered like probably little holes. And they looked, and you know what they look like? What? Him.

Speaker 2 It was two little hems.

Speaker 2 And he's like, yeah, yeah, there I am. There I am.

Speaker 2 I'm Both Hole. This is my glance.
Yeah. This guy was incredible.
Where was he born and raised? Go to the right. Go to the right there.
What does it say? It usually tells.

Speaker 7 Denmark.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, dude. Got to be Danish, dude.
Got it to be Danish. The Danish are wild.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 By the way, that's what it looks like.

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's scary.

Speaker 2 I don't want that. You got two of those.
You got two of those in there. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Look at that look. Look at that look.

Speaker 2 Look at that.

Speaker 2 I invent it. You know what I mean? I discovered it.

Speaker 2 That's cocky. A piece of me thinks this guy's never seen a vagina, and

Speaker 2 he just guessed. And God bless Bartholomew, because now we know all about his glands.
It's weird to want to name yourself the thing you find. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? But if you think about it, though. Would you do that? What? If you found a cure for something, would you call it? Depends on what it is.

Speaker 2 If you found the cure for

Speaker 2 a cancer,

Speaker 2 one of the cancers. Fuck yeah.
What would you call it? Bobby Lee. The Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 Give me the Bobby Lee. Yeah.
Well, you... I'm sorry, ma'am, but you have four weeks to leave.
What's going on? You have the Bobby Lee. Oh, you have the disease, not the cure.
Oh, I want the.

Speaker 2 Oh, I want to be the disease. By the way.
Yeah. You are the disease.
Yeah, I want to be the disease. Yeah, I'm sorry.
I misunderstood what you're saying. I'm sorry.
I want to be the disease.

Speaker 2 I was giving you credit. I was saying, if you discovered a cure, would you want to be? No, no, no, no, because no, what I'm saying is that I thought you meant, like, did I discover the prognosis?

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. All right.
But honestly, you're right. You're right.
You are the Bobby Lee. Yeah, I'm the Bobby Lee.
You have the Bobby Lee. What does the Bobby Lee do to me, doctor?

Speaker 2 You're going to

Speaker 2 liquefies your anus. What?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it liquefies your anus. How did I get this?

Speaker 2 Through, have you fucked a Korean lately? Of course.

Speaker 2 Yep. Unprotected sex with a Korean, and I hear, and look at me now, I got a Bobby Lee.
You have no asshole, right? Yeah,

Speaker 2 it's watery. It prolapsed after I had sex with her and then it fell out.
Yeah, well, that's one of the things, you know, because he was really into, the Bobby Lee was really into like rodents. Oh.

Speaker 2 He wanted women to look like, have the tail. Great.
Yeah. Well, thank you, doctor.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Dr. Lee.

Speaker 2 This was an article. This is something I sent.
I want to get you guys' take on this. I sent this to Carlos.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 If you like a full English breakfast. What's an English breakfast? English breakfast is eggs, sausage,

Speaker 2 or bangers. Bangers and bangers.
You know, bangers and sausage.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Heinz baked beans. Not any American bullshit baked beans.
Heinz baked beans. Have you had them before? So in that combination, eggs, sausage,

Speaker 2 and toast, and Heinz baked. Usually with bacon as well.
Never had that before.

Speaker 2 Show him a picture of a full English breakfast. This guy's going to lose his fucking mind.
It's probably the thing that the Brits did better than anything, I think, on planet Earth.

Speaker 2 The one thing that they cased was a full English fucking breakfast. Look at this thing.
Look at this fucking plate. Sliced tomatoes, mushrooms, sausage, bacon,

Speaker 2 sausage, patty. Oh, that's blood sausage, right? Yeah, that's blood sausage.
On the left, a little patties. That's regular sausage or bangers on the right.
Bro, that looks so fucking good.

Speaker 2 So fucking good. But in the middle is the secret sauce.
What is it? It's the baked beans, the Heinz baked beans. And Heinz introduced, go back to that photo.
Look at how bomb this is.

Speaker 2 Heinz baked beans inside of hash browns.

Speaker 2 And you've had them? No, they're not going to make it for the United States. So this is my time to use this platform to beg Heinz, please.
I'm not fucking kidding. Yeah.
I need this.

Speaker 2 Heinz, you don't get it. This is my two favorite breakfast items.
It are hash browns and beans. I can die on this.
Please send me some of this shit. Please make this available for the United States.

Speaker 2 If you don't,

Speaker 2 I'm going to come for you. Yeah.
And I'm bringing the Bobby Lee's with me.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You'll get the Bobby Lee.
But let me say something. Can't you just order it from like a special site?

Speaker 2 Here's the problem. That's going to take a long time.
I want this in my local grocery in the frozen aisle. Please.
Because otherwise I'm going to have to fucking special order this shit.

Speaker 2 That's going to be a pain in the ass. But let me

Speaker 2 just. I'm not.

Speaker 2 You know what? First of all, let me just, I want to be positive, okay? I really respect your dream. God bless you.
Right. And I want to support you.
Thank you. Okay.

Speaker 2 But what I want to say is that you've never eaten that yet.

Speaker 2 You're making assumptions of what that's going to look taste like. My friend, my friend, my friend.
My friend, my friend, my friend. My friend, my friend, my friend.
It's a frozen thing.

Speaker 2 Right? So it's like, how are you going to prepare the fry it? Oh, yes. Okay, you fry it, right?

Speaker 2 You air fry it, first of all. You air fry it.
But you have no idea how that's going to taste. Oh, yes, I do.
Okay. Oh, yes, I do.
All right. So Heinz doesn't miss.
Have you had their ketchup?

Speaker 2 Oh, they're the best. Home run.
Have you had their baked beans? They're a home run. Pull up some stuff that Heinz makes.
H-E-I-N-Z Heinz. By the way, it's an American company, isn't it?

Speaker 2 But they have a British base because Heinz Field, that's in

Speaker 2 Pennsylvania, right? Yeah. Heinz Products.
Let's go down the fucking list of these bangers.

Speaker 2 Look at that kid. Look at how happy that kid is.
Yeah. With all that blood all over his face.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ketchup, banger. Mustard.
Banger. Memphis barbecue sauce.
Yes. Real mayonnaise.
Not for me, but some people like it. I hate it.
Heinz gravy. Heinz vinegar.
Use it. Heinz Dillrick Relish and Pickles.

Speaker 2 Love it. Heinz, they got mayo chip.
They got mayo and ketchup now. Yeah.
Heinz 57, by the way, the specialty sauces. Banger ship.
It's a great company.

Speaker 2 Wait, go to the sauce, the mixed sauces, by the way. Go back to the mixed sauces because they keep trying shit.
Whoa, what did that say?

Speaker 2 Cranch, ketchup and ranch, mayo and ketchup, and then ketchup and chili sauce. Wow.
Don't shudder at that. Don't shudder at that.
Yeah, don't shudder at that. I don't step on your culture.

Speaker 2 I eat a fucking live bird and an egg for you.

Speaker 2 Scumbag. You guys use boar blood in the Philippines.
Yeah. You know what I mean? As a dipping sauce.
Boar blood. And good.
Boar blood. Boar blood is good? Yeah.
Top plus. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Heinz, I'm begging you, please send this to the United States, specifically here at Bad Friends, because I want it so bad. I'd love me some fucking beans.

Speaker 2 And by the way, next month, I'm trying it. I'm going fucking vegetarian next month.
You want me to? I could do it. Can we do it together? Let's do a promise.
Bad friends. Yeah, I think.
I'm trying.

Speaker 2 Will you go vegetarian for the month?

Speaker 3 I don't think he'll make it.

Speaker 2 Don't fucking. You're so fucking negative.

Speaker 2 I'm going to throw this at you. You're so fucking negative.
I'm going to throw this at you.

Speaker 2 All right. You've been negative all show.
Let's do it. I'm not supportive at all.
At all.

Speaker 3 Okay, I'll support you, Tito Babe.

Speaker 2 Why do you think he's gonna fail?

Speaker 3 Because all he eats is ribs, pork, beef, all the fucking.

Speaker 2 So he's getting his fill this month. Yeah.
And he'll be fine. I'll be fine.
We're gonna do Bad Friends Goes Vegetarian. Can we do a combination thing, though? Like combination fried rice? No, no.

Speaker 2 This is my favorite. Yeah.
No, not combination fried rice. A dual contest.
Okay, go on. So we do vegetarian

Speaker 2 and let's add up another thing. No ejaculation.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm out.

Speaker 2 I can't. Yeah, you can.
Let's just see how long. I can't come for the whole month? Yeah.
That's so long. I know, but have you ever tried it? No.
Well, you try it. This feels like a madman.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 You can't. A month is so long.
You're not going to last, but that's what's fun about the game. We'll see how long.

Speaker 2 But I'm telling you, the moment that you or I come, we have to text or call each other. You have to be honest.
If we're going to play this game, you got to be real. All right.
And I mean the moment.

Speaker 2 The moment you come in.

Speaker 2 Can we get into the rules, though? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm sure there's some rules. Okay, go ahead.
So what if I have like, you know, when I come in the night on a dream?

Speaker 2 I know I said it like a poem. Is it happening in the night? Come in the night on a dream.

Speaker 2 Is it happening a lot?

Speaker 2 But sometimes I'll wake up and there's a little bit of explosion in there. That doesn't count.
All right, that doesn't count. I didn't put you right.
Yeah. You have to be a part of the come.
Right.

Speaker 2 Like you have to either actively do it with your hand or with using a partner. Okay.

Speaker 2 So then, um, with the meat, right, for instance, all right. If I sleepwalk and eat in the middle of the night.
And I eat a roast beef sandwich. That doesn't count.
It doesn't count.

Speaker 2 That's totally okay. Right.
That seems like. That's fine.
Something. Because I can't help that.
Well, I feel like if we're going to let each other come in the middle of the night, we better be able to

Speaker 2 eat a roast beef sandwich. Can you imagine the security cameras of us just coming and eating?

Speaker 2 It wasn't me. I was dead asleep.
Yeah, I was dead asleep. All right, so we called each other when we slip.
The moment that we slip. I'm serious.
I have one last thing I have to ask. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 2 I have questions about it because I really want to do it. I want to do it too.

Speaker 2 Can we do it in

Speaker 2 November?

Speaker 2 Yes, we can. Okay.

Speaker 2 Let's do it in November. Okay, we're too close to.
You're right. We're September, because we're going to New York in September.
You're right.

Speaker 2 We're not going to jerk off or fucking not eat meat there. That's right.
We're going to do it. That's all you do.

Speaker 2 That's all you do is jerk off in New York. You're going to be a place to jerk off and eat meat.

Speaker 2 So what I'm saying is in November, I feel like my calendar is a little bit more clear. We're back home.
We're back home. And we can monitor each other better.
We'll monitor each other better, right?

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah, so let's do it in November.
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Speaker 2 Nobody wants to waste a weekend walking around dealership lots, getting attacked by dudes in cheap suits, yelling at you about discounts that they can get you after they go talk to their manager for 45 minutes because it's a lie.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something. I've had so many different trials and tribulations trying to buy cars.
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Speaker 2 I always use third parties now, and Vroom has been the best version of that.

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Speaker 2 Did you see the movie Pray? No, dude. I can't wait.
I want to go. I didn't go.

Speaker 2 Where do we go? What? Go where? I want to go see it. It's on Hulu.
Wait, what? Is it? I thought it's in theater. No, I never went to theaters.
It went straight to Hulu.

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't want to see something that went straight to online.

Speaker 2 It's got to be in the theater. Amber Mintha, the star of it, she's on Reservation Duck, so I kind of know her.
Oh, yeah. And I'm just saying, this movie.
It's incredible.

Speaker 2 Do you like any of the Predator movies? Well, Predator, yeah. The original one.
Yes. Yeah.
She had never seen any Predator movie until Prey. Her? Yeah.
Well, yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you know? Have you seen it now?

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's so good. It's so sick.

Speaker 2 It's so good. No, I do want to see it.
I should watch it. But it's like, do you know what the premise is? No.

Speaker 2 I know nothing about it. Had you heard of it before? Be honest.
Everyone's talking about it. Right.
So basically, it's when the alien predator first visited Earth. And he finds her.

Speaker 2 He's fighting against Native Americans. Sick.
It's fucking sick. Love it.
Yeah. I'm in.
And he's more primitive, too, in the movie. He's more lovable.

Speaker 2 No, he's more, he's not as technologically advanced. I think he's more, he does more hand-to-hand killing.
See, it's primitive. You were right.
Yeah, that's why I didn't know what the fuck was it.

Speaker 2 He said it right, baby. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I was astonished how good it was. It's that good.
Like, I was just like, wow, this is what.

Speaker 2 Aside from the original Predator movie, which we love with Arnie. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. I've seen every single one of those fucking things.
Right. And this one is probably the second best one.

Speaker 2 93 on Rotten Tomatoes. Have you ever been a part of any project that's been 93?

Speaker 2 I think the most I got was 53%.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm on Reservation Dogs. That's got to be up there.
What is that? Reservation Dogs has got to be high. I would imagine that Reservation Dogs is probably 90s.
99?

Speaker 2 I'm on a 99. Holy shit.
How about you? What number? Probably 85 is probably the highest I've been a part of.

Speaker 2 I bet you Dave is in the high 80s. Get Dave.
Get Dave on there. Dave's probably in the high 80s.
86, I would say. 84.
84. Pretty good.
Not 99. It's not at all.
Yeah, yeah, not 99.

Speaker 2 But also, you know, we don't have as many natives on our show. I think having a couple Native Americans would help.

Speaker 2 I've said that to the writers every single year. Okay.
Yeah. Nothing I've been a part of has been probably higher than 84.
84 is probably the highest I've ever been.

Speaker 2 Watch, do I'm dying up here? This one, probably 64. This one's probably below 70.

Speaker 2 Let's see.

Speaker 2 51. Oh, my God.
But the audience score is 95. See, that's always kind of a tell, though.
What? When the critics shit on something, but the audience loves it. That's not a tell.
No, no.

Speaker 2 This happens a lot, though. You'll see it where the audience is super, super high and the critics are low.
Meaning it's

Speaker 2 one of those things where I think people,

Speaker 2 the critics were. Those are the same people that think that Fast and the Furious is a Kurosawa film.
Best movie ever made. I'm just saying my point of view.

Speaker 2 Name a better movie than Fast and the Furious. All of them.
All the other Fast and Furious movies are better than the original?

Speaker 2 What's the Fast and Furious score?

Speaker 2 Just go Fast and Furious one and let's find out. The original.

Speaker 2 What year was that in?

Speaker 2 2009? No, in 2009.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's it. 28%.

Speaker 2 Audience score 67. So, right.
You're wrong about that. That's still pretty low.
Yeah, yeah. 28%.

Speaker 2 This is the problem with critics. What are you criticizing? It's a fucking action movie.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's the fucking thing? What's the thing? Yeah. What could you be critical about? The cinematography? It's fucking shoot them up, flip a car.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 you know what you're going to go watch. Yeah, so fucking leave it alone.
Yeah. You know what I'm watching now that I almost finished? What is it? Only Murders in the Building.

Speaker 2 You don't know what this is? It's on Hulu. It's Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez.

Speaker 2 You've seen it.

Speaker 2 Are you a Selena Gomez fan? She's brown like you. Is it good? 100% critics.
Holy fucking good. Is it that good? Is it good?

Speaker 2 Don't. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not saying it to you. I'm saying, is it good like this? Is it good?

Speaker 2 It's kitschy, but it's fun. But Martin Short, I'm not kidding when I say this, might be one of the best comedic actors in the history

Speaker 2 of film and I've always felt that. Bro, he's so funny on this show, it's fucking annoying.
You're like, how is he every scene? He does something to make me laugh.

Speaker 2 And Steve Martin, phenomenal as a straight guy, but Martin Short is exactly what you want him to do. Also, FYI.

Speaker 2 What does that mean? I don't even know what that means. For young interests.
For young interests. Yeah, yeah, for young interests.
I'm old, so it's funny. Yeah, yeah, for young interests.
Yeah. Right?

Speaker 2 One of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. Of course, because he's the shit.
He literally is one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. Dude, I'm obsessed.
I think he kills me. I love that guy.

Speaker 2 And Selena does a good job on the show. I don't really know much about her, but she does a great job on the fucking show.
But Martin Shorty. I'm watching that tonight.

Speaker 2 Dude, you have to give it some time. Do a couple episodes.
You're going to love it.

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 2 And Two Legends? Legends. Yeah, Two Legends in the Big.
Legends. Martin Short and Selena Gomez.
Yeah. I mean,

Speaker 2 let's go back to the history of these two guys. She has no idea who Steve.
I understand, but did you see Three Amigos? No. It's my favorite movie.
It's one of the funniest movies. I love that movie.

Speaker 2 Do you know who Steve Martin is at all?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 2 Wow, it's just mind-boggling. You know what she should watch that she might like sense of humor-wise? What?

Speaker 2 Parenthood?

Speaker 2 No, she should watch Jiminy Glick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no. You don't think she'll get it? I want her to go back into the...
Dude, are you bored? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Martin Short dressed up as this fat interviewer, and it's some of the best stuff I've ever seen in my life, dude. He was so fucking good.

Speaker 2 But I want her to go do a little bit of a deep dive in terms of like steve martin and and martin shorts career okay well because in the 80s they made they were like when we were growing up they were like kings the kings of it all kings yeah steve martin steve martin got like uh commercially massive he was uh saturday night live but he got commercially massive uh he was saturday night live too but uh I would say Father the Bride was like one of the biggest movies he probably ever made franchise-wise.

Speaker 2 Steve Martin? Yeah, franchise-wise, right? Isn't that, don't you think? What do you think was bigger for Steve Martin? I mean, that franchise was fucking massive. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, that might have been the biggest. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.
Yeah. But those.
I love that movie. No, great.
The jerk. Like, these are all great movies.
Oh, my God. Let's do it.

Speaker 2 But they were never as big. This movie was fucking massive for the time.
Yeah. How much was it? 90 million.
Oh, my God. For a fucking domestic movie in the 90s? Yeah.
In 91. Insane.

Speaker 2 That's like a billion dollars.

Speaker 2 That's absurd. We really, you really need to see the three of me goes though.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's a new

Speaker 2 classic. It's one one of the funniest comedies ever.
And these guys were just.

Speaker 2 But that's when you know you're old. Like, I've been hanging out with younger people on set and stuff, and you talk to them about.
You feel old?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because you bring up stuff like, you know, movies from the 80s and stuff or 70s, and they just don't know any name or what it is. It's insane.
But also because the internet's so fast, right?

Speaker 2 Like, we knew stuff from our parents' generation because the internet wasn't as fast then. It wasn't until we were a certain age, the internet didn't exist.

Speaker 2 So for them, the stars are being made constantly, or the star of the month, or whatever it is. But she could be on a bus sitting next to Steve Martin, would never know.
And she would have no idea.

Speaker 2 Two things, though. Why are both of those people on a bus?

Speaker 2 I know what you're saying. Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Yeah. Subway.
Subway. Subway.
Right. I'm not sure.
Right. You would not have any idea.
Like, if I sat next to Steve Martin on a subway,

Speaker 2 I would just be. I would not know what to say.

Speaker 2 Like, I would lose my mind, right? You, nothing.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What were you going to ask? You said you look like you were going to ask him something.

Speaker 3 Like, you can just take a picture of him.

Speaker 2 No, it's this guy's a legend.

Speaker 2 This is not fucking. Yeah.
This isn't like.

Speaker 3 Do you always have to say something if it's like a really big story?

Speaker 2 No, I wouldn't say. I don't think I would say it.
We'd be nervous. Because I wouldn't want to say something and have him be a dick and then change my view on him.

Speaker 2 So I just don't want to bring it there. Yeah, you just, but you give him one of these.

Speaker 2 you give them a little i i've done that to super super famous people that i like their work is they'll look over and kind of give you one of the eyebrow you know the eyebrow smile and i'll go yeah yeah

Speaker 2 because that's an all i need the worst is when you say something to a star that you love and they're they're not being a dick but they do their standard line they would do anyone anyway so i was with um i was on the paramount lot and um levar burton who's jordy on next generation you definitely don't know who that is you know yeah no chance i walk by him.

Speaker 2 I go, oh, fuck, there's fucking LeVar Burton. I go, hey, I'm a big fan of you.
I said it. I'm a big fan of him.
He goes, thank you. Yeah, he's heard it a million times.
Yeah, yeah. All day long.

Speaker 2 And I was just like, oh, God.

Speaker 2 He's the fucking guy. Why did he do that? Do you know who that is? No.
Oh, my God. Do you like him? You think he's attractive? Yeah.
Yeah. He's like 100 years old.
Isn't that crazy?

Speaker 2 Black does not crack.

Speaker 2 Good-looking guy. Oh, my God.
He's amazing. He's 65.
He looks like he's 30.

Speaker 2 That guy and me are the same age on paper.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if usually if you next to each other, I go, those guys must be in the same age. Same age.
We went to high school together. Yeah, for sure, for sure.
Yeah. But it's like.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 thank you. Thank you because he's heard it.
Yeah. That's why I try to not do that.
What do you say when a fan says, hey, I love your work? A guy said it to me this morning getting coffee.

Speaker 2 He goes, dude, I'm a big fan. And you know what I say? What? I say, thank you very much, man.
I hope you have a good day.

Speaker 2 That seems cold. What do you mean? I looked him in the eye and I said, I hope you have a good day.
I meant that. Yeah, it seems standard, though.
What the fuck am I supposed to say? You go specific.

Speaker 2 Thank you very much. I love that shirt.
Yeah. Okay.
I got to pay attention. I was on the

Speaker 2 tried again. Go ahead.
I'm getting my coffee, and then you're a fan. Hey.

Speaker 2 Cheeto. Hey, man.
Big fan of your work, man. Oh, dude, fuck off.
And I coffee you right in the face. No.
I shouldn't do that. No, no, no.
All right. We'll try it again.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yo. Love, love you on.
I'm dying up here. No shit, bitch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no. Is that not going to work?

Speaker 2 It doesn't work. Let me try one more time.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yo. Yep.
Bad friends.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Who do you like more? Mia, the Korean. Have you asked that before? No.

Speaker 2 Have you?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you have, you scumbag.

Speaker 2 Every time. You do, you go, who do you like more, me or any of you? Yeah, yeah.
Or I'll say something disparaging about you. Why? That guy's so not funny.
Or I'll say something about you.

Speaker 2 Just to get them to laugh. I get it.
Yeah, yeah. I get it.
Like last night, like, I was at this Korean bar, like I said. Yeah, yeah, the Blue Bar.

Speaker 2 The Blue Bar, and I was in there, and, you know, people walk up, and they're huge bad friend friends. You know what's astonishing about this podcast? What?

Speaker 2 Is the reach it has. I mean, we reach people, dude.
Oh, my God, I'm about to cry. Bob.

Speaker 2 It's not funny, Rudy.

Speaker 3 I'm not laughing. I'm smiling.

Speaker 2 She's laughing. So ask Alex Hahn.
So there's the doorman at the comedy store, and I'm sitting there in the lobby in the main room. I'm just sitting there waiting to go up.

Speaker 2 And Alex goes, meet this young lady. And she walks up to me and she just bursts into tears.
Oh. What do you mean? Don't be like that.
No, I'm.

Speaker 2 I just said, oh, like, that's cute. Carlos, help.
Yeah, just give him a chance.

Speaker 6 All right, all right.

Speaker 2 I just said that's cute. And I go, whoa, don't cry.
She's like, no, you don't understand. Like, my mom died two days ago.
Oh, my God. Right.
And she goes,

Speaker 2 she's the biggest Bat Friends fan. Was

Speaker 2 I'm just

Speaker 2 saying.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 I'll say it again. I'll do it again.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 I'm not wrong. I'm just telling you what the verbiage was wrong.

Speaker 2 So I just want you to know that my mom was

Speaker 2 a huge Vet Friends fan. Oh, no.
And

Speaker 2 she,

Speaker 2 I mean, I just went to,

Speaker 2 what's her name? Jesse. Jet ski.
Juicy. Yeah, Juicy.
And I just told her that.

Speaker 6 And I just want to say, I had to come and say that to you because she passed away.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And I literally went,

Speaker 2 thanks. Get the fuck.

Speaker 2 No, no, I don't. No, I hugged her and we talked for like a half an hour.

Speaker 2 Do you remember her name?

Speaker 2 I knew it.

Speaker 2 but did she talk to jesse she did let's see if juicy remember if juicy remembers her name i'm serious yeah yeah never gonna let you live this down this poor girl's mom was a huge bat and shout out to this girl whoever her mom was in her 40s and she had died fuck man so young yeah i'm in my that's me yeah i know we lost a viewer

Speaker 2 carlos

Speaker 2 deep cut deep cut and by the way funny though whoever you are

Speaker 2 I hope the bad friends hey, Juice, you're on the bet.

Speaker 2 You're on the pod.

Speaker 2 I just want to ask you something. So, Bobby said that there was a girl that came up to you guys and said that she lost her mom, she passed away, but her mom was a big Bad Friends fan.

Speaker 2 You got and do you remember that?

Speaker 3 Yep, Addie.

Speaker 2 Juicy? That's her name, Addie. I know.
Hey, I just want to say this real fast. I love you, and I'll see you tonight.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 All right, bye.

Speaker 2 Didn't even fucking ask her.

Speaker 2 Knew off the bat.

Speaker 2 Bobby.

Speaker 2 Bro.

Speaker 2 Didn't even ask her.

Speaker 2 And remembered right away her name was Addie. Oh.
By the way, Addie, if you're out there, let me say this. We love you.
Thank you for being a Bad Friends fan. We love our Bad Friends family.

Speaker 2 And I'm sorry about your mom. And you're the shit.
And we love Addie. So thank you.
We appreciate you.

Speaker 2 And thank you for coming along with us. I'm so sorry, Addie.
Yeah, you should be. Say sorry to your fucking, look in your your camera.
Addie, I'm sorry, but. No, don't butt when you're saying sorry.

Speaker 2 Why? Because that's not what how. I have other things to say.
Just say I'm sorry, and. Okay, I'm sorry, and,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 By the way. No, don't be.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I

Speaker 2 was really good at conversing with you for a half hour. What is that?

Speaker 2 What is that? I know. She don't be mean.
I'm not being mean. I loved her.
Rudy said, we love you, Addie.

Speaker 3 We love you, Addie.

Speaker 2 But it was like, so, like, just, um, no, that's beautiful. Because, you know, it's funny because, and I you get it from all over the world.
Like, I've been talking to people from, you know,

Speaker 2 Australia, other people, people that live in Korea that like Bad Friends. That's nuts.
Right. And it's like, you know, when I, because now, you know, I'm just trying to be different.

Speaker 2 I'm posting more on Instagram, getting more involved. You know what I mean? That's cool.
Yeah. And I'll converse with some fans on, you know what I mean, direct message.
And,

Speaker 2 and they're just like,

Speaker 2 they just love the show so much. But it's funny because we go to the shitty parking lot in the shitty building, right? And we come here and it's like, kind of like, all right, here we are.

Speaker 2 Let's do it. You know what I mean? You never think that people are watching, really.
Watching our little show. Our little show, you know, but it's just like, it's pretty cool, man.
Well, I agree, man.

Speaker 2 I'm very appreciative of

Speaker 2 the Bad Friends fan base. And so are the guys.
You know, it keeps them employed. Because otherwise, can you imagine what these scumbags would be doing if it wasn't for us?

Speaker 2 What do you think Pete would be doing if he wasn't on this show?

Speaker 2 He'd be a grip for like a low-budget thing. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see that.
Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, yeah.
I was going to say like gravedigger or grave robber. Sorry.

Speaker 2 He's too big to be a grave robber. What do you mean he's strong? He's so strong, he can lift the casket out.
You can't have someone Carlos a size lifting a casket. It's not going to work.

Speaker 2 But he's a big guy, though. Pete? Yeah.
Yeah, he's strong as fuck. I know.
So I'm the guy. I don't know who looks after the camera.
Let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 You need a strong guy to help lift the casket.

Speaker 2 There's no cameras. You need a skinny guy like Carlos to wiggle down there to fit into small holes.

Speaker 2 And I have this for protection. And he's got a gun.

Speaker 2 And you need someone like you to distract.

Speaker 2 Oh, what? Like, what do I do?

Speaker 2 Look at the body. You know, here comes the guy who owned the graveyard, guy who runs graveyards.
What y'all doing over here at this time?

Speaker 2 And you got to be like, oh, we're, you know, we're just saying goodbye to our aunt that passed away and we're paying our respect. You have to distract while these guys are doing the dirty work, dude.

Speaker 2 I got my shovel. No, but I feel like under pressure, I would probably fuck it up.
Okay. Hey, what do you, hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, what? What the fuck are you doing in my graveyard, boy?

Speaker 2 My Uncle Benji. Your Uncle Benji.
Yeah, he just died.

Speaker 2 Benji Lieberman?

Speaker 2 Ferguson Lieberman, yeah. Benji Ferguson Lieberman.
Your uncle. Jr., yeah.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. He's in my car.
Wait, what? I can't bury him? No.

Speaker 2 When does it open? Man, you're fucking this up.

Speaker 2 Like, I wouldn't know. Yeah, yeah.
You would have to pretend like you're paying your respects to the dead. Oh, I wouldn't know that.
I'd be like, no, I'm trying to bury this guy. Try it again.

Speaker 2 Oh, do it again. Hey, hey, hey, hey, what? What the fuck are you doing in my graveyard? It's beautiful.
Thank you. The landscaping.
Thank you. Oh, go ahead.
Walk around. Is that good? That's good.

Speaker 2 That would have worked. Yeah.
Yeah, you're just admiring the world. How about her? Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Excuse me. What are you doing over here in our graveyard?

Speaker 3 I'm saying hi to my mom.

Speaker 2 What's her name?

Speaker 3 Lipa Dua.

Speaker 2 Oh, Lipa Dua's over there. Road six.

Speaker 2 Lipa Dua is your fucking mom? That's crazy. That's crazy.

Speaker 3 I have to go.

Speaker 2 I have to say hi. Yeah, no, no, no.
Go ahead. At three in the morning, I mean, there's no one here.
She's not going anywhere.

Speaker 2 She's been dead.

Speaker 2 That's mean. What? What? That's mean.

Speaker 2 We're grave people.

Speaker 2 We're around this all day.

Speaker 2 You think I'm like weirded out by the dead?

Speaker 3 I mean, she just died a month ago.

Speaker 2 Yeah, God bless. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How'd she die? How'd you die? Cancer. Which guy? What kind?

Speaker 3 In the vagina.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 Was it the Bobby Lee? Yeah. Or was it the

Speaker 2 Bethesda gland? What was it?

Speaker 2 Bartholin's. Bartholin gland.
Was it the Bartholin's gland?

Speaker 2 The Bobby Lee gland. The Bobby Lee gland out of 10.
You'd be the whole part. Yeah.
Sorry about that. Sorry about that.
Can I go now? How old are you?

Speaker 3 20.

Speaker 2 I don't know if you're allowed to be here at night by yourself.

Speaker 3 I'm really depressed, and I just want to talk to her.

Speaker 2 Talk to us?

Speaker 2 I don't know you. Well, get to know me, but we're alive.
Yeah, we happen to be alive, and we'll talk back to you. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I want to talk to my mom.

Speaker 2 I think you should talk to us first. Yeah,

Speaker 2 hey, you want to see my new van? Oh, no, I just know.

Speaker 2 You got us. You guys need a new van.

Speaker 3 And also, I'm just going to get murdered.

Speaker 2 We need help. We have a couch.
No. We're loading into the van.
Right? We need your help.

Speaker 3 That sounds like you're going to murder me.

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 You like Wells?

Speaker 2 Let me ask you something. Okay.

Speaker 2 This is not sexual. Okay.

Speaker 2 Have you ever seen a pair of testicles hang at the same length?

Speaker 2 No, I haven't seen that. Shake this shit out.

Speaker 2 No, no.

Speaker 2 Dude, we should do a fucking movie where we own a graveyard. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're two guys. What are they called? Not morticians.
What are the guys that fucking run a graveyard called? Morticians. It's the security of somebody.
No, no, dude. Graveyard security.

Speaker 2 They're called a thing because the morticians fix the bodies. Yeah.
I don't want to do that. I don't want to like prepare the bodies.

Speaker 3 Like the makeup?

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. Yeah, the makeup.

Speaker 2 Well, first of all, they have to like drain them.

Speaker 2 You know, you have to get all their organs out. And then you fill them with formaldehyde.
From formaldehyde, right? You fill them with a chemical. Yeah, formaldehyde.
It preserves the body.

Speaker 2 And then if they had like a disastrous, you know what I mean, death, like a car accident, you have to fix their face. Yeah, it's crazy.
Like mold,

Speaker 2 unarmed residential security guards, graveyard weekends, swing. We could fucking do it $16 to $19 an hour.
What are they paying you at the library at school?

Speaker 3 $16.

Speaker 2 You could make up to $19. $19.

Speaker 2 I want to do that. Late night.
Will you apply for her for this, please? I want to apply for her to be an unarmed residential security guard at a graveyard on weekends.

Speaker 2 And it's a swing job, so it's not full-time. You jump in when they need you.

Speaker 7 There's some qualifications.

Speaker 2 Let's read that. Valid California BSIS guard card.
Do you have that?

Speaker 2 Well, fuck that. We got to get that.

Speaker 2 We got to get that. You got a driver's license, right? Okay, yeah.
Bing,

Speaker 2 reliable transportation. You got the Prius.
You got the Prius. Yeah.
Great interpersonal communication skills when dealing with visitors to the site. Well, we just tried.
Let's try again.

Speaker 2 Let's see if you can. Yeah, ready?

Speaker 2 But this is real. You're now a security guard and we're visiting, right? So we just need you to be able to.

Speaker 3 What do you even... What do I have to do? Why do I have to talk to them?

Speaker 2 Well, fuck, dude, do you want the job or not? Yeah.

Speaker 3 I thought I was just looking out on the graveyard.

Speaker 2 Their visit.

Speaker 2 Sometimes the fucking graveyard is open and you're still a security guard. You still have to make sure everything is okay.
So people are coming to grieve or pay their respects.

Speaker 2 Sometimes, as a teenager, you got to kick off who's like,

Speaker 2 we're a couple, guy.

Speaker 2 Gay. Of course.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. All right.
Oh, oh, no. We're back here again.
Hi.

Speaker 2 Hi. How are you? We're here to see our friend

Speaker 2 Ramon. Yeah.
Who died? Oh,

Speaker 2 his nickname is Big Slun. Big Slun? Yeah, that was his name.
That was his nickname Big Slong. Is there any way we could.

Speaker 2 Look, I know this is a weird request, but we have this huge black dildo. Is there a way we could place this with super glue on the tombstone? Yeah.
And he loved it. He loved black dildo.

Speaker 2 He loved big black daughters. Well, he liked the flesh.
The fleshy kind. The real ones.
The real ones, but this is the best we could do. We could cut off a real black dildo.
Yes.

Speaker 3 Some people might find it inappropriate, but do you have like any design that can like kind of cover it up?

Speaker 2 That's interesting.

Speaker 2 Like a box?

Speaker 3 Yeah, or like flowers to just like.

Speaker 2 So if we get some flowers and put flowers around the cock, you'll let us do that?

Speaker 3 Yeah, you can do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Thank you.
Great. Great.
Fucking great. Look what she did.
Yeah. She saw the situation, assessed it.
Assessed it. And handled it.
Look at the bottom requirement. Look at this.
Go to the bottom.

Speaker 2 No, to the left, to the left. Ability to act with integrity in a professional manner.
And that was what you did. That's exactly what that was.
The only thing you need is a valid CABSI card.

Speaker 2 You're going to get that card card. Never going to get that.
How do we get it? Yeah, yeah. I feel like we just need to get one of these fucking PSIS cards in your card.
Yeah, how do we get those?

Speaker 2 Welcome to the Bureau of Security

Speaker 2 Investigative.

Speaker 3 But I don't have a visa.

Speaker 2 Shh.

Speaker 2 Fuck. What the fuck? God, you fucking

Speaker 2 snitch on yourself? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I guess we could apply online now.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's apply for her, honestly, to see if we can.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Let's get her a fucking.

Speaker 2 We'll do this. We don't need to do it.

Speaker 2 You don't need to go through the... Oh, you've got your use ID ready for the CA.com.

Speaker 2 So seriously, when this show's done, I'm dead serious. Please apply for this, and I want to see if we can get you a job as a swing guard for a security guard at a graveyard.

Speaker 3 Why do you want me to?

Speaker 2 Because I think it's going to be healthy for you in the real world to use these skills. Working at the campus bookstore, it ain't going to cut it.

Speaker 2 Okay. Let me tell you something, Rudy.
Here in America, everybody at one point in their life has worked in a graveyard. I have.
It's just a part of the thing of growing up. Okay.

Speaker 2 You know, what is that in the Philippines? Is there a... Oh, could we fake one? I mean, yeah.
Let's Photoshop one. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, let's Photoshop it. Yeah, great.

Speaker 2 That's perfect.

Speaker 2 You could work at the Hollywood Forever one. The best.
The best graveyard ever. Humphrey Bogart's buried there.
There's so many famous.

Speaker 2 Look at the famous people that are buried at Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

Speaker 3 Do I get free food?

Speaker 2 I guess. I don't know if they have.

Speaker 2 I just don't know. It's like they don't have craft service.
You know what I mean? It's not a shoot. Look at this.
She knows none of these people, by the way. Jane Mansfield, Cecil B.
DeMille.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Bugsy Siegel.

Speaker 2 Wow. Johnny Ramon.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Wow, dude. Wow.
Look at the fucking level. Look at the level.
Mel Blanc. Dude, this is so amazing how many people are buried there.

Speaker 3 Is Charles Chaplin the comedian?

Speaker 2 That's very important. No, the Carpenter.

Speaker 2 That's Charles Chaplin, the Carpenter. The Carpenter.
Yeah. The builder.
Oh.

Speaker 2 No, it is the comedian, the legend.

Speaker 3 I know him. Estelle Getty.

Speaker 2 Do you know who that is? No. Okay.

Speaker 2 I guess there's no... Do you know the Ramones, the band the Ramones?

Speaker 3 I don't know. Okay.

Speaker 2 That one's got to be tough for you, Bobby.

Speaker 2 Everything is tough. That's got to be tough that she doesn't know that.
It was the dog, but now it's the Ramones. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And then the dog. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Who the fuck is Virginia Rapp?

Speaker 2 Who is that?

Speaker 7 She was a model and a silent film actress.

Speaker 2 Not so many skills there.

Speaker 7 She died after attending a party with actor Roscoe Fatty Arbuckle.

Speaker 2 Love Fatty Arbuckle.

Speaker 7 Who was accused of manslaughter and rape in connection to her death, but he got away with it, and now she's exonerated because he knew another person.

Speaker 2 You could get away with anything.

Speaker 2 You could just kill someone and people. No forensics.

Speaker 2 If you knew a cop, you were like, I didn't do it. And they're like, he didn't do it.
Yeah, I mean, that's how easy it was about that. There's Fatty Arbuckle.
So he killed Virginia Rop.

Speaker 2 Wow. Wow.
And he got away with it.

Speaker 7 Probably raped her too, yeah.

Speaker 2 What a fat piece of shit. What a shithead.
Where's that fat piece of shit buried? Yeah. Let's see.
Look at that fat scumbag. Look at that.

Speaker 2 So he killed her. I love how they say he was exonerated, but they don't give any indication over why.
Woodlawn Cemetery in New York. Well, we're going to fuck.

Speaker 2 When we go to New York, you want to go piss on his grave? Fuck yeah, man. I'll go piss on that fat piece of shit's grave.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And imagine having the name Fatty.

Speaker 2 Imagine how fat you have to be for him to go, fuck it, I'm fatty.

Speaker 2 Right? It's like.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Fatty Arbuckle. Look at that guy.
He was a comedian.

Speaker 2 Look at that. Look at that.
Look at that fucking fat fuck.

Speaker 2 That fat piece. We're actually being so mean.
We don't know if anybody is. We don't know what he really did.
Yeah. But it did sound like if you were fucking charged with murdering somebody.

Speaker 2 Could Ralphie Mae do that? I don't think so. I mean, look at that.
That's fucking circusole shit right there, dude.

Speaker 2 You know who's not getting enough credit, though, is the guy holding the women up top. That must hurt his shoulders so bad.

Speaker 2 I mean, Fatty's fat.

Speaker 2 like a cinder block. He's just hanging out.
That can't be that hard on his joints. Those two poor women, dude.

Speaker 2 What a nightmare. Look at he's grabbing their breasts, dude.
Yeah. Zooming on the one in the white.
Yeah, yeah. He doesn't give a fuck.
Look at him. He's grabbing her tips.
Hey, look at that.

Speaker 2 Look at that. Zoom, zoom.
And she's like, can you get the pit?

Speaker 2 Right? No, no. Breast or nothing.
I'm fat.

Speaker 2 The breast. He really is.
The right breast.

Speaker 2 And look at her mouth. She's always like, hey,

Speaker 2 cut it out.

Speaker 2 By the way, silent film. Yeah.
I mean, I know, you know, look,

Speaker 2 pioneered where we are today. Incredible.
But can you imagine how easy it'd be to get away with being a bad actor in silent film? You don't have to fucking do anything. One take, everything.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 2 One take killed it.

Speaker 2 A movie takes three days to make. A full feature.
128 pages. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Chaplin, though. Chaplin, though.
When you're good. You're great.
You're great. Right.

Speaker 2 When you're good at doing silent and making eye movements and hand gestures and physicality.

Speaker 2 Dude, we should do that. A silent film.
You and I should do a black and white silent film with Jules. Bro.
And just

Speaker 2 not fucking killing. Let's do it.
I would kill to do a silent film. We'll wear the fucking outfits.
What's the outfits? You know, just like, you know, the black and white.

Speaker 2 You know, they just went into those.

Speaker 2 No, they.

Speaker 2 Of that era. But

Speaker 2 you couldn't see what they were because it was black and white. They probably were.
Like those clothes. Okay, you mean of that time period? Of that era, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, good. I want suspenders.

Speaker 2 And then who's going to do the fonts?

Speaker 2 The what?

Speaker 2 There needs to be a

Speaker 2 organ player? No, the fonts. The subtitles.
Subtitles. Subtitles.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, Pete, I mean. Oh, you do it in post.
Yeah. My bad.
You do it in post.

Speaker 2 In fact, why don't we do this? Why don't we write the fucking, you know what I mean? Write it. We'll just do the movie first, and then we'll figure out what it is later.
Brilliant. Right?

Speaker 2 I think that's funny. I think that's brilliant.
I love that. And

Speaker 2 that's your creative

Speaker 2 side of it. That's genius.
I fucking love it. I love it.
A silent film from bad friends.

Speaker 2 Will you do one reenactment of something for me before we go? What is it? So there's a guy online that I have a huge crush on, and I know you know who he is because I've sent him to you before.

Speaker 2 And we get sent this constant, I mean, on a constant basis. Will you show this guy?

Speaker 2 This guy right here. People have asked us a thousand times to reenact this.

Speaker 2 He's incredible.

Speaker 2 He can pull stuff with his hits, his penis. Can I say something? What? That could have been a

Speaker 2 200th time. No, it wasn't.
It could have been. I think he says in there how many takes it takes.
But you don't know. It could have taken a thousand times.
Will you try this?

Speaker 2 I'll do it, but give me as many times as he gets it. I think he probably did it once.
There's no way. What's his name, Pete? Can you see what his name is?

Speaker 2 This guy's the fucking man.

Speaker 2 All right, I'm going to kill it. Okay, let's see.
Oh, this is amazing. Oh, you okay? And we gotta clamp your titties, and you gotta try it.
You do it now. Yeah, okay.
This is how we got it.

Speaker 2 This is how we'll go home.

Speaker 2 I think it's just gonna fly away. Yeah, that's what I think so, too.
Yeah, me too.

Speaker 2 Alright, we just climbed.

Speaker 2 Okay. This is the wrong thing.
Like, his doesn't look like this. It's like it was, like, harder.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but this is for. Don't do the top one, maybe.
Maybe the top one can go.

Speaker 2 Two on two tits and two on the other tits. Oh,

Speaker 2 you're fine. Like, you haven't had something clamped to your titty before.
That's insane.

Speaker 2 Come on, baby.

Speaker 2 Is it not working?

Speaker 2 Let me try.

Speaker 2 It's gonna hurt, dude.

Speaker 2 That?

Speaker 2 Yeah. That hurt, as it is.

Speaker 2 Get some more skin. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 Oh, there we go. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 And we can just clip this one onto this one.

Speaker 2 And then.

Speaker 2 Does it? Yeah, we'll do it fast.

Speaker 2 Oh, gotta get out of here.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm trying. I'm trying.

Speaker 2 Ow!

Speaker 2 Okay. Oh, come on.

Speaker 1 Put them on the actual actual nipple.

Speaker 2 It can't.

Speaker 2 His nipples aren't superficial enough.

Speaker 2 Oh, I just want to hurt so. Ow!

Speaker 2 I'm not doing it. Try it.
I'm not doing it.

Speaker 2 I'm not doing it. It hurts too much.
You try it.

Speaker 2 Ow.

Speaker 2 See?

Speaker 2 Fuck. We tried.

Speaker 2 That guy's better than us. Yeah, he's better than us.

Speaker 2 Alright, fuck me.

Speaker 2 I wish that worked.

Speaker 2 Alright, let's go. All right.

Speaker 2 I have to say thank you for being a bad friend. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Rudy,

Speaker 2 on the count of three.

Speaker 2 One, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend.