Dangerous DMs

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who You are these two idiots.

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. Am I still on camera if I go all the way this way? Two different brands.

Speaker 1 Who just was, you can't get. No, I didn't have it.
And then I took that. And then this morning, you know how they come over? You want to talk into the mic so we can start the show? I don't know.

Speaker 1 And then this morning, they had a, you know, how they come over.

Speaker 1 You had a PCR person come over to the house? Yeah. What did they say? She goes, knock, knock, knock.

Speaker 1 Right? And I go, get out of here. They go, no, we're the nurse.

Speaker 1 I go, okay, come on in. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 So you do think it's COVID? No.

Speaker 1 I don't think it is. It's like all of the symptoms.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't think it is.
By the way,

Speaker 1 who's that coming from the left field? That's juicy.

Speaker 1 That's juicy. And you know what? We're going to say, I know we've gone back and forth over being able to say juicy or not.

Speaker 2 I mean, you can say it.

Speaker 1 I know, but it's just so fun to say juice. It's so fun to say juices.
Yeah. I mean, it's juice, juice.
But it's a little too sexual, though. No, we said that, but it's not.

Speaker 1 It's if you make it that way, it is.

Speaker 1 Look at how many great.

Speaker 1 Juice, the movie was amazing. Look at him.

Speaker 1 Type in famous people named

Speaker 1 Dry Girl. It's all the opposite.

Speaker 1 It's dry girl. Really? Yeah, dry girl.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
All right.

Speaker 2 Dry dame. I was debating bringing this up because I don't want to invite more of this into my DMs.
But at age 32, I received my first dick pic. Oh!

Speaker 1 All right, let's go over the first dick pic. This is the first dick pic you've ever gotten.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 this week?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm sure it's from

Speaker 2 someone here.

Speaker 1 One of our crew members?

Speaker 2 No, no, Carlos? In the Bad Friends Universe.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, a Bad Friends fan.
Yeah. Well, I love the Bad Friends.
It's like the Marvel universe with no powers.

Speaker 1 I'll send you my dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

Speaker 1 Wait.

Speaker 1 Jet ski.

Speaker 2 No, you changed the name.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just can't do it. I'm going to say juicy.
Yeah, juice, juicy, juicy. Until you can come up with something that you would rather, you know, me.
How about just juice? But juice sounds dope.

Speaker 1 Juice, yeah. No, but here, but listen, seriously.
Yeah. On, this is your first DP.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't know if you should call it that.

Speaker 1 I will. Your first dick pic.
By the way, I've gotten thousands. You've gotten some good ones.
Never got a dick pic. What? Not one dick pic.

Speaker 1 Well, somebody's more popular with the gay community than that. Maybe.
Yeah, both of us. I get so many dick pics.
You know what's so funny? I get so many dick pics. I was with Kim Condon.

Speaker 1 And yeah, I save him.

Speaker 1 And Weinshank. You know, Congden and Weinshank.
Of course I do. Right.

Speaker 1 And I was, we're talking about the hot male comics.

Speaker 1 And you were in the group.

Speaker 1 You were in the group.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I was like, you know what I mean? It was fight or flight for me. They go Jazzleneck.
I go that makes sense. They go, you know what I mean? A couple of other guys that got canceled.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's that's fine, right? Then they go Santino, and I went, I froze like this. I think that's how I got COVID.
From freezing? Yeah, yeah, from freezing. From freezing.
Yeah, yeah. Eric Andre.

Speaker 1 This is a list of names of what? Sexy, funny?

Speaker 1 Hot male comedians from 2017. Yeah, two lists.
Mark Marin's on it. Yeah, well, because we know that's not true.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. So I was on the list.
Thank you. That's great.
I'm glad I was on the list.

Speaker 1 Were you on the list?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 ice cold. Yeah, I'm never on any list.
Yeah, but I'm not hot, but I am handsome. So I know they said hot.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's nice. Well, can I tell you something? What?

Speaker 1 Now that you're single, I bet you're going to sneak into that list.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah.
You're going to get hotter. I think you're going to get hotter.
You've been in a relationship for too long. Now you're going to get hotter now that you're single.
Yeah, but I do it like.

Speaker 1 You already did exude something the other night. I told you you looked really sexy the other night.
Yeah, coming from you doesn't feel good, though. Why?

Speaker 1 I'm the most honest person of all these fucking people. These girls that say, you're so funny and sexy, Bobby, just because they like your talent, they don't know the real you.
I know the real you.

Speaker 1 I'm in love with you. You want to do go.
I'm in love with you.

Speaker 1 You seem sexy to me tonight. It just doesn't read as well.
Sure, from a random, but not one of your best friends of all fucking time. Say it again.
You look really sexy today. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, see, see, you bought it. A little bit there.
Thank you. A little bit there.
All right, let's talk about juices.

Speaker 2 I do have an idea for Bobby really quick, though yeah what if we gave him a sexy nickname oh like saucy

Speaker 1 oh saucy bobby well i mean oh here comes saucy yeah

Speaker 1 saucy i don't like it okay how about here comes uh oh here comes noodles

Speaker 1 oh that's cool i love noodles you're getting closer

Speaker 1 yeah like how about pungent noodles little pungent noodles

Speaker 1 here comes flavor to it oh here comes pork shoe mai mai. Yeah, pork shoe mai.
Yeah. It's Chinese.
I'm Korean. Wait, are you serious? You didn't know that? When have you been Korean?

Speaker 1 You didn't know that. All these years.

Speaker 1 Imagine if I did think you were Chinese. Now, listen, you are sexy.
We will get you a good nickname. Well, let me say this, though, just to defend myself.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Nothing to defend. I have to.

Speaker 1 I have to defend my honor. He loves defending something that isn't defensible.
Yeah. I'm defending my honor right now.
Okay. Okay.
I'm on the hill. I'm wearing the samurai outfit.
I have my sword.

Speaker 1 You're over the hill. You're 51.
I know, but there's dead bodies around me. It's in my.
This is what I'm doing. Okay.
Okay. So I'm defending myself to the end.
And I'm going to say something.

Speaker 1 It's been kind of cool.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 There's been signs. Not that I have done anything, but there's been signs that Papa may be back.

Speaker 1 Uh-uh.

Speaker 1 Maybe the Phoenix has been reborn. Do you want to tell the fans so

Speaker 1 nothing? Nothing.

Speaker 2 Bobby got his groove back.

Speaker 1 It's just, you know what? Booby got his groove. You got to say what people say.
Dick pic.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 Vroom Vroom Jutski.

Speaker 2 I know how hard that is for you.

Speaker 1 It's just so stupid. I hate Jutski at this point.
Juicy, listen. Jetsky sucks.
Jetsky sucks. Juicy, we gave you Juicy.
We blessed you with that better name. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm grateful. You guys don't know how powerful you are.
In one episode, you've... changed my name.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's right. We did shift it.
Yeah, yeah. We shifted our name.
All right, so tell us about the deep, the dick pic juice. I want to know.
Bad. Was it good dick pic? Was it a good dick?

Speaker 1 They're never good.

Speaker 2 No, it was alarming. I went into my other messages and it said, you know, the image, you have to tap on it to see it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And at 32 years old of not seeing a dick pic, I didn't even think it was a possibility. So I was like, let's see what this is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. What did you think the image might be?

Speaker 2 I don't know, a funny meme.

Speaker 1 A funny meme.

Speaker 1 Now, if there was a picture of a dick in a funny meme, would that be acceptable?

Speaker 2 That would have, I would have liked that a little bit more. Sure.
But I don't want any.

Speaker 1 All right. Yeah.
No, don't, please don't send her. If you're going to send anybody a dick pic, send it to Bob.
He doesn't get any. He's never been.
I don't want none. Please send him a dick pic.

Speaker 1 I don't want none. Now that he's single, please send him dick pics.
Bobby Lee Live.

Speaker 1 I don't think they would.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they will now. They will now.
Yep. I am imploring every one of our fans to send Bobby Lee a dick pic.
Let's count next week how many you get. Okay, can I say this, though?

Speaker 1 And it doesn't have to be hard, by the way. If you're embarrassed and you're camera shy, send him a softie.
I want soft dicks. Send him soft.
Okay, only soft. are good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Only soft and if they're tucked. If you're willing to tuck,

Speaker 1 he loves a tuck.

Speaker 1 A lot of pubes. What kind of dick would be your preference? Champions.

Speaker 1 All right, let's see this dick pic from this guy. I just feel like it's a nice size dick.
Yep.

Speaker 1 I'll be the judge.

Speaker 1 And he just wrote, I love you.

Speaker 1 I'll be the judge.

Speaker 1 But the angle of this is like, it's, it's like the fucking Empire State Building. Let me see.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's so head-heavy. He's so head heavy.
That's a big dick.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you something? I think that's the angle. It's in portrait mode for sure.
That's a good dick, dude.

Speaker 2 I think it's Photoshop.

Speaker 1 Can I say something? You do, right? You think it's Photoshop? Even though the dick's good, he's poor. Yeah, you saw his room.
Yeah, you see his room.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. So when you see his room, you go, he's poor, so you can't fuck it.
Let me see.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? There's like a chicken wing on the bed. Like, fuck you, man.
Yeah, in the background. In the background, there's, yeah.

Speaker 1 The closet doors are off the thing. Yeah.
He doesn't know how to fold.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's got it.

Speaker 1 It's a mess. Like, an IED went off on that.
Also, if you're going to send a dick pic, do it so I can't see the rest of your room. I don't do it.
You know what I mean? Or, like, I have certain places.

Speaker 1 Good size, though. Like, you know, I have certain places in my house where I only do all my Zooms.
Yeah. Right? Because I know where the best places in my house are.
Right. On Zoom.
Right. Right?

Speaker 1 So this is a cool wallpaper, great photos. It looks rich.
Of course. You know know what I mean? But this dude don't give a fuck.
He doesn't give a fuck. No.

Speaker 1 And if that's, that's probably the best place he could do it. And if that's his best place.
How to take the perfect dick pic. That's the guy.
That's the guy.

Speaker 1 From the dick pic. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you have to be, I know your boyfriend. I don't want to say his name, but you want me to say his name? Sure.

Speaker 1 I know your boyfriend. Very funny.
I saw a set the other night. Oh, cool.

Speaker 2 Like, you don't like it? That was awesome, by the way. What? Sorry, I'm tangenting, but I hosted Potluck for the first time, and Bobby was in the back of the room.

Speaker 2 And I was like, Bobby, wear my glasses. and will you go up and hustle me?

Speaker 1 Bring up the next person. And pretended to be to be Jews.
Oh my God. It was really special.
Yeah, yeah. The impression was okay.
It needs a little bit of work, but it was good.

Speaker 1 I thought it was awesome. It was super exaggerated.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Because, you know, she's up, you know, right? And I'm wearing her glasses, but I'm like,

Speaker 1 I want them to know that I'm trying to do her, so I went the other way. I got it.
What did you bring on?

Speaker 2 Hugo Galaxy.

Speaker 1 Hugo Galaxy. Hugo Galaxy.
Yeah. What a fucking name.
It's a great name. One of the newest door guys.
I had to show my dick to a doctor yesterday. Why? Did you show him? Went to the urologist.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I showed him something, a picture of a penis. I put a picture of a penis over my own penis.
Why? Went to the urologist to get my balls checked out, see if everything is all good.

Speaker 1 See how my swimmers are. Are they good? 98 million.
Did you know that? 98 million sperm. Seems like a lot.
Is that good? Yeah, he said it was a good number.

Speaker 1 That means a lot. My jizz count was high.
That's a lot. He said, he's when they tested my jiz, a normal sperm range from 15 million to more than 200 million.
Whoa. That was 98 million, he said.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm afraid of that. 15 million? That sounds low.
What does that say? 39 million per ejaculate is considered low, right? I was three times that. Yeah, I wouldn't want to give it.

Speaker 1 Let's test your sperm. No, it'll probably go 150.

Speaker 1 150 million? No, it's not. No, it's just 150 flat.
Yeah, flat out. And if that was the case, I would just feel like, you know what I mean? I'm doing something wrong.
It's so weird giving sperm, dude.

Speaker 1 It's just so uncomfortable. It's the worst.
You walk in these clinics. It's like well lit with fucking fluorescent lights.
And

Speaker 1 they're always mean, by the way. These women that work in these places, they're always mean.
Because.

Speaker 1 Are they attractive?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 So it's hard to get started. It takes a long time.
They should make the girls attractive. That's what.

Speaker 1 I know. There's got to be a bunch of stuff.
I bet you in Beverly Hills, there's a high-end place where they're hot and they just sit in the room and watch you jerk off. Yeah, I would go to high-end.

Speaker 1 They reverse Louis C.K.U. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then honestly, they walk you to this room. They turn on a little,

Speaker 1 a little noise, a little white noise machine, which I didn't like. I turned it off.
What does that do? Huh? What does that do? White noise. They want it so they can't hear you

Speaker 1 out in the hallway.

Speaker 2 It's for them, not for them.

Speaker 1 It's static. Yeah.
But the rooms are barred off. It's like in a room, in a room, in a room, in a room.
You're like so far from anybody hearing you. Are there windows?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And there's no blinds.
No, there's no fucking windows.

Speaker 1 Just to make sure. My hand just on the window

Speaker 1 overlooking wheelchairs. Maybe I want one of those like FBI like interrogation windows.
One way, one way. One way.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Who knows? I'm just watching people like coffee being like.

Speaker 1 No, what I would do is I would look at the room and go, is there any cameras? Yeah, there's that'll fuck me up mentally, right? There is cameras.

Speaker 1 Oh, if there was even like, you look at our ceiling, see those little gaps? Those are cameras. I would have to get up into those fucking crevices to see if there's cameras.

Speaker 1 I'm about to blow your mind right now.

Speaker 1 These are all cameras.

Speaker 1 That's a camera. That's a camera.
That's a camera.

Speaker 1 These are all cameras. Wow.
You're unplunked.

Speaker 1 You're unplunked. It's a new version of plunked.
No, so I had to go in this room, have a TV in there with a TV stand with DVDs

Speaker 1 for porno. Can you bring your own?

Speaker 1 I brought my phone. Can you bring your iPad? See, I thought about bringing an iPad, but I thought that's way too much.
Yeah, it seems like a lot.

Speaker 1 Because they already know you're jerking off in there, which is already embarrassing. There's no way I could do it with their catalog.
No, no, an iPhone. My iPhone.

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought you said that I had to do their catalog. Oh, no.
You're going through like... No, plus I had seen all the ones that they had had.
Urban Chicks, 1998. You know, Bangkok Pussy.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I'm like going through the fucking fire, like, none of this. Urban chicks.

Speaker 1 Urban chicks. Urban Chicks, 1998.

Speaker 1 No, it's, you bring your phone in there. But I did think about bringing an iPad, and I thought, it's already a weird, embarrassing thing.
They know you're going to jerk off.

Speaker 1 And you're like, an iPad just seems gratuitous. I would have to bring my suction machine.

Speaker 1 The Suck 9000 or whatever it's called? I have one. I know the.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's the only way I can do it now.

Speaker 1 You can't just regular? Because it has two great options. Yeah.
Right? It has. Didn't we buy it for you? We bought it for you.
I bought a new brand new one. You bought another one? Yeah,

Speaker 1 I spent top dollar on it. Yeah, the automatic suck, right? Right.
It has sucking and vibration, right? Whoa. You can do combination and then you do release.
You can release the air, right?

Speaker 1 So it's just like you're there, right?

Speaker 1 And you go, it hurts, kind of. It sucks it.
I don't think it's supposed to hurt, bud. I make it hurt.
Yeah, I think it likes to. I think I thrust it.
You put it on hurt. I think I thrust it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I throw it.

Speaker 1 I want a little pain.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 and then

Speaker 1 I do the release, right? Yeah. So could I bring that machine in?

Speaker 1 Sure. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you can't. I mean, there's no rules, but I just felt like I had to bring in my phone, and I couldn't.
I wanted to bring my iPad because my iPad has a stand.

Speaker 1 My phone, I have to hold, right? Yeah. And also, I put it on the counter.
I tried, but it fell. So I just, it was, it's uncomfortable already.

Speaker 1 They put stuff all over these chairs and they dim the light and it stinks. Of course, I brought headphones because.
Why?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? You're bringing headphones. Why? You listen to music?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm listening to fucking Radiohead while I jerk off. Oh, you want to listen to the.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, I don't want to hear the.
I don't ever listen. What? Yeah.
Are you a serial killer? No. You you watch porn on silent yeah that's disgusting it's not it's not he does his own soundtrack

Speaker 1 no because and here's where you'd go

Speaker 1 the reason why I do is because Jules is in the next room well put on headphones yeah but then I have the machine it's it's a whole thing well so she hears whoa whoa whoa

Speaker 2 hear that yeah yeah she's like he vacuums a lot so much

Speaker 1 hey what does that say that Kanye watches porn on silent he refuses Kanye refuses to listen to porn yeah I I think that's a thing. I've never watched porn with the sound on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think that's a thing. Yeah,

Speaker 1 he's a fucking loose goose upstairs. And I am a loosey goose upstairs.
Oh, we know. That's something you share.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's uncomfortable, too, because you have to fill out a sheet of paper that says, what did it say?

Speaker 1 I live with my mom in high school, then I live with my mother-in-law, Chris Jenner's house, the kids next door, and stuff.

Speaker 1 What if this is such a sad, he's such a sad reality.

Speaker 1 His house is 50,000 square feet. Find a wing to jerk off in.
Or jerk off in the bathroom. anyway.
Does your boy? Do you ever catch your boyfriend jerking off? Never.

Speaker 1 So he doesn't jerk off.

Speaker 2 I've never caught him.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? He's jerking off right now while she's here. Oh, that's right.
He's like, I love that you have that job. Yeah, yeah.
Go do that podcast.

Speaker 2 But does he admit? He is at work right now, which doesn't mean he's not jerking off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what do you think everybody does? Is he one of those guys that's like, I don't ever jerk off? You know, you heard these guys. Yeah, which is insane.

Speaker 2 No, I've asked him before because I've never seen him do it.

Speaker 1 And then what do you say?

Speaker 2 He's like, yeah.

Speaker 1 Of course he does.

Speaker 1 You jerk off. Yeah.
Yeah. You use a machine.
I'm 32.

Speaker 1 I get it. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Oh, do you have machines and toys?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm 32. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Does he have machines and toys?

Speaker 2 Not that I know of.

Speaker 1 No, you would know by now. You'd find out because guys' machines are so big.
They're so big. They're like this, they're cumbersome.
They're so hard to hide. You can't go, it's a humidifier.

Speaker 1 You should make it look like other things. Turning that on at night.

Speaker 1 It's the loudest humidifier. It should look like a lava lamp.

Speaker 1 It's a lava lamp. I'm from the 70s.
And by the way, the lava flowing around your penis. Oh, that'd be cool.
So cool. Your dick is up there and the fucking

Speaker 1 rotating

Speaker 1 I'm on the planet Pandora. You know what I mean? That'd be great.
It's uncomfortable to come in a cup. It's impossible to come in a cup.

Speaker 1 And you have to come in a cup and then you have to write on the cup and you have to write, did everything get in and what the time that you jerked off. Oh my God.

Speaker 1 And then when you're done, you put it in a little booth and then they make you sit there.

Speaker 1 It's so fun. It's like almost like punishment.
They like make you leave the room, then you sit outside of the room and wait for them to say it's okay to go.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Do you stick it through a door and then they pick it up? Yeah. Like a little window? Yeah, like you've ever, yeah, exactly.
Like if you were pissed in a cup for a piss test? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and they make you put it in a little door. Same thing.
And then they make you sit there like a weirdo while you see another guy like...

Speaker 1 It's weird to see another guy who also just jerked off. You know what I do? I shift through the fucking hazard trash pin.
You touch the hazard trash bin?

Speaker 1 I have to know it's in there.

Speaker 1 That's probably why you're sick, though. Anyway, when it's red, like a red bag and it has a hazard thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, when it says I open it up like it's a Christmas gift needles in there yeah yeah and I just go through it you know what I mean

Speaker 1 that's the one let's get one of Bob let's get Bobby one of those because you see interesting stuff in there yeah like needles blood blood yeah stuff like that yeah

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Speaker 1 We're big proponents of mental health awareness on this show. That is truthful.
We love to make jokes and mess around, but we also, Bob and I both take care of our brains because we speak to people.

Speaker 1 I think it's helpful no matter who you are where you're from what you do i think uh if you take care of your brain the way you take care of everything else in your life uh you'll you'll find that it is very rewarding now you might ask what is better help it is online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat only therapy sessions so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to and it's more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours here's the reason that i think that i love it so much genuinely i like doing it from the comfort of my own home i don't want to get in my car and i I don't want to drive anywhere and sit in an office and be uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 BetterHelp is amazing. They've done a great job so far.
So, why not check them out? Our listeners are going to get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash bad friends. That's better.

Speaker 1 H-E-L-P.com/slash bad friends.

Speaker 1 Speaking of, oh my God, speaking of blood or something negative like that. I know what you're going to say.
Huh? The prey slaws and car accident. Oh, my God.
I thought you're going to bring up.

Speaker 1 It's heartbreaking. Do you know about this? Uh-uh.
This woman was going like $110 through blood. black.
Right. Through slossing.

Speaker 1 This video

Speaker 1 is so brutal. Can you want to show it or no?

Speaker 1 So what happened was, Juice, this girl's going 110, drunk.

Speaker 1 Well, totally fucked up. Yeah.
And goes through not only just an intersection, but smashes into like a bunch of different cars and people and then almost hits a gas station. Could have

Speaker 1 could have been. Watch, watch it.
Look at this. Watch how fast this girl comes flying through here.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Six people died. Instantaneously.

Speaker 1 A pregnant woman. A couple with their baby.
Look at it right now. Watch this again.
Here it comes.

Speaker 1 I mean, the sheer speed.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. And that's a gas station.
And she's. Can you believe that didn't light anything on fire at the gas station? Yeah, that's cool.
By the way, bad plug for United Oil.

Speaker 1 Already my least favorite gas station. Yeah.
And

Speaker 1 she survived. She lived.
Oh, my God. Right.
She was out on the side of the road, like, what's going on? And it's like, oh, what a disaster. Why do they always live?

Speaker 1 They always live. She's fucked up.
Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, they always live.

Speaker 1 You know, my grandmother once was like, that's God's punishing them. They have to live with the pain instead of just dying and getting freedom.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I think it's just when you're drunk, you're more loose and your muscles don't tense and you're more likely to just flip and roll and not die. Yeah.
That's usually what they say.

Speaker 1 But it's like, I've been on that road. Oh my God.
What do you mean? I've been a thousand times. A thousand times.
Yeah, I've been in that intersection. It happens so fast.
Your life could be gone.

Speaker 1 Instantaneously. That's scary.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I do think about how

Speaker 1 I take for granted how much we drive in L.A. and how I don't really think about it.
I'm never thinking about it. I'm never thinking.

Speaker 1 But honestly, LA accidents, constantly, constantly, there's accidents in this city. So you never think about it.
You're just driving along.

Speaker 1 It's like, those people, those fucking poor people, what did that say? There were what?

Speaker 1 52,000 car accidents in LA. And just in 2015 alone.
That's an average of one person killed in LA by traffic accidents every 40 hours. Every two days,

Speaker 1 someone gets gone from in L.A. Yeah.
And that's also 16 or six years ago. Oh, my God.
God. Updated.
That's insane. Can you imagine that shift during COVID? How much they it's 150 crashes a day?

Speaker 1 So many.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, it's like, you know, what does that say?

Speaker 1 79% Asian? Why is that?

Speaker 1 Why is that on there?

Speaker 1 Why would they list that statistic? That's not okay.

Speaker 1 What What website is that?

Speaker 2 Was this all a setup?

Speaker 1 We're not bad drivers. We just drive slow.
I didn't say anything. We're not in that.
Omegle Law said that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We just drive really slow.

Speaker 1 Omegle Law, that's what that is. That's like

Speaker 1 one of those law billboards that you see that's like, you want to butt fuck your case in the ass?

Speaker 1 You got to call Mike and Kev. It's always two like tough guy-looking bros.
I cannot believe these guys, these attorneys, those attorneys make money.

Speaker 1 Those fucking ambulance chaser attorneys yeah they do though oh they make a fuckload do you guys get road rage

Speaker 1 i you know what's so funny if you've never been in the car with me i used to yeah and then you get oh you get so over it now couldn't care less yeah it's all fucked every time i drive out here i don't even think about it anymore i'm so beyond when i first moved here i couldn't comprehend how atrocious people drove here it blew my mind and then years into it you're like i have a solution

Speaker 1 you want to hear my solution of course. Yeah.
All the cars should be interconnected in terms of talking to each other.

Speaker 1 Right, autonomous vehicles. So every, every, they're all, so we don't drive it all anymore.
No, I'm driving. No, we can talk to each other.
So I can press up. What are you doing?

Speaker 1 What are you doing?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Put on your blinker. It's broken.

Speaker 1 How old are you? 12. Oh.

Speaker 1 And I call the cops. Yeah, what are the cops going to do? Nothing.
Yeah. LA PD? Yeah, maybe that's not a good thing.
We're busy. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you know how many black people we have to just search randomly? We're busy. No, dude, you know what? Talking to people in the car, I think we should all have scrolling LED screens.

Speaker 1 What does that mean? You know, like an LED screen that projects something, then you just say something into it, and it would just say, like, go fuck yourself.

Speaker 1 So if you guy cuts you off, you can just put it up and it just is rotating on your car. I want one of those.

Speaker 2 These are just augmented ways of road rage, though.

Speaker 1 That's right. They're safe.
You're right. You're right.
You're right. But I don't don't have a gun.
I'm not going up to fucking kill someone. But I do want to say to people sometimes, fuck you.

Speaker 1 But have you ever done this, like, like someone cut you off and then you speed up to see what they look like? I have to know what they look like. You know what they look like.
Asian? What?

Speaker 1 What? What do they look like? No. It's always like a white dude, right? It's always a white dude.
Yeah, yeah, wearing a trucker cap. It's always a white dude in a trucker cap.
Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 1 And shaved off, you know, the sleeves are cut off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. A lot of white trucker hats, a lot of white guys with

Speaker 1 trucker hats in LA. Right.
And you go and you can't. And then if they look tougher than you, you go.

Speaker 1 Donald Trump. I always go.
I give it. Donald Trump cut me off in traffic one time.
Whoa. Whoa.
Yeah. Happy.
He was.

Speaker 1 It was tight, though. Yeah.
I love him, dude. I was like, love you, dog.
You know, I let him go. He was fine.
He was on a motorcycle. So there's this movie my brother recommended to me.

Speaker 1 And he goes, it's the same guy that directed Ex Makana. Ex-Makina.
Did you see that?

Speaker 1 Great movie, right? Yeah. He did a new movie called Men.

Speaker 1 Right? I love it. And my brother, my brother's, for two months, I saw it in the theater.
You got to watch it.

Speaker 1 Every fucking day. It's a horror film, yeah?

Speaker 1 I don't know what it is, dude. All I know is...
It looks like a fucking horror film. If it's a comedy,

Speaker 1 they're not advertising well.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That looks good.
Yeah, but let me tell you something, dude. It's so weird that I couldn't finish it.

Speaker 1 Weird is in, like, it's not... Oh, it's an A24.
Again, another banger for me. Another banger.
It's so weird, I couldn't finish it. Who's in it? Can we get back to the cast?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you don't know anyone that's in it. That's cool.
I like that. Yeah, yeah.
Actually, can I be honest with you? Pretty fucking scary. Like, you did freak out.

Speaker 1 But not in a way where it's like, you know, you watch a conjuring, there's like, there's like, you know, what do you call it?

Speaker 1 Jump scares.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They don't have any of that.
Yeah. I hate them when they do that on the internet.
I mean, can I just tell you when you're talking about it?

Speaker 1 Something's coming and then a baseball flies at the screen. You're like, don't do it.
Can I just tell you a scene, the first scariest scene in it? You're not going to see it.

Speaker 1 Well, say spoiler alert to the fans because

Speaker 1 when you do this. Spoiler alert.
Spoiler alert. Right.
It's called Man. So she, this woman, she loses, her husband kills himself.
Right? Big spoiler, by the way. In the beginning of the movie.

Speaker 1 Opens it with it. Right.
Right. How is that a spoiler? I'm just saying.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Sometimes the spoiler is a little bit light. This is, that one's right on it.
It's like, you're giving away a big piece. Well, I can't explain this next part.
The guy kills himself. Go ahead.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So she decides to go to a small English town and get away. She rents a house.

Speaker 1 And you know, they're like, you know, it's very, like, rural, right? She goes on a little hike, and then she sees a tunnel.

Speaker 1 Right? She goes in the tunnel. And it's one of those tunnels where you can see the end.
You can see there's a little light, right?

Speaker 1 And she goes, ooh, yee, ah, ah.

Speaker 1 And then the tunnel goes, ooh, eee, ah, ah. Right? She's an echo.
That's right.

Speaker 1 And she kind of echoes and makes a song almost. And all of a sudden, at the end of the fucking tunnel, you see a man just stand up.
And he's completely naked. And he just starts walking towards her.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Is he hard? No. Big dick, though.
Yeah. And then she's in her, she escapes, right? She runs away from it.
She runs away from it. And she's like sitting there talking to her friend.

Speaker 1 And the guy's just picking fruit naked, you know what I mean? In the front of the lot. What kind of fruit?

Speaker 1 Why? Why does that matter? It's important for me.

Speaker 1 It makes a difference. It is.
It does. Was that like an apple tree? Oh, it was a peach tree.
Peach? Love a good peach.

Speaker 1 By the way,

Speaker 1 if you're going to be naked and pick something, peaches are pretty clutch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then he just comes out the window and stares at her like this. Still naked.
Yes, completely naked. And I stopped.
Why?

Speaker 1 That sounds like it's about to get good. I don't know what happens after that, but it's way too much dick for me.

Speaker 2 That's how I felt when I got that pick.

Speaker 1 Dick picked it up. Yeah, too much dick.
That's why I brought it up. By the way,

Speaker 1 what if he had his cock through a peach? Would that be funny?

Speaker 1 See, like Parker says yes. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. That's it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And she runs her.
That's a big fucking tunnel. Holy shit, by the way, I got in a YouTube wormhole watching cave,

Speaker 1 or maybe it was TikTok, cave

Speaker 1 people that go through like little, they go into those little caves. They do cave digging or whatever.
Dude, it gave me the worst claustrophobia. I'm watching it and I'm freaking out.

Speaker 1 These guys go through the tiniest caves. Their bodies are...
Underwater, right? No, no, no, no, no. This This is just, they'll see a cave in a fucking mountain.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they'll start, they'll just go into a hole and then go as far as they can go. It's, it's caving.
It's in, it's fucking insane. There's a guy.
Look at how fucking

Speaker 1 it grossed me up. Dude, I kept, I couldn't stop watching it.
I was on the shitter. What are you going to find?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Another dead guy who did the same thing that they did.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, you should, I don't know what it is. That's like that.
It's like. What do you find there? Like a gold nugget?

Speaker 1 It's a fucking, look up, look up father and son

Speaker 1 Maybe it was TikTok. I think it was YouTube or TikTok.
But these two, they go together and it was fucking me up, dude. I was like...
Like, I would do it if they said, like... No.

Speaker 1 Sometimes they find diamonds. Sure.
Yeah. They'll find nothing.
I know. I'm just saying.
If that was the case,

Speaker 1 I might try it. They just love the idea of

Speaker 1 going through these little tiny holes and they want to see, and they map it out. So they'll draw while they're doing it what it's like for other people.

Speaker 1 And they leave, like, they leave stuff planted so other people know they were there and shit.

Speaker 1 It's insane. I couldn't stop watching.
Do you think when men do that, it has something to do with their mother? To getting, getting away from something or going back into the birthday.

Speaker 1 Maybe, yeah. So it's a psychological thing.
Because I have no urge to go back inside my mother. That was a dank place.
I got a nurse to go inside your mother. Whoa, yeah.
That was an awful place.

Speaker 1 Dank isn't good, dank. Yeah, yeah.
I like it. Dark.

Speaker 1 Well, maybe that is a very like

Speaker 1 calling back to like wanting to go back to like being in this these weird uh fetal positions and climbing slow and having to like morph your body through that's the only explanation in my head me too i guess yeah

Speaker 1 but some people just like dare devil shit because it's risky as fuck it's risky as fuck you can easily get stuck and die yeah they found a planet not in our in our galaxy that the the mountains are made out of diamonds Let's go.

Speaker 1 I know, that's what I'm saying. What are we fucking doing? So I would risk that.
I'd go, uh,

Speaker 1 okay, okay, let's try it. Let's die.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd rather die there.
There was some scientist, by the way. What is that?

Speaker 1 55 Cancri, the rocky world knows twice the size of the Earth. It has eight times the mass.
It's a super-Earth, a diamond-rich planet. Wow.
Yeah. Let's fucking go.
I want to go there. Let's go.

Speaker 1 But we don't tell anybody. Well, yeah.
Well, we just told like.

Speaker 1 Us three go. Okay.
All right. I love what you go.
Don't tell anybody. We told a million people right now.

Speaker 1 Let's say Elon Musk. Let's say Elon Musk goes.

Speaker 1 We can get there. I don't know how we're going to get back.
I mean, you know what what I mean? But we can get there. I think I can help you get there.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Would you go?

Speaker 2 Maybe. I'd have to think about it.

Speaker 1 What? What?

Speaker 2 Because what are we going to go? Get all the diamonds and then die there.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Get the diamonds and die. That's the point of life.
Yeah, you want to be like smog from fucking, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Gold coins. You want to die in a bunch of gold coins.
You know what I mean? Like, I'm on doom. You know what I mean? I think it's a great idea.

Speaker 2 But who would get more diamonds?

Speaker 1 I wouldn't even count at that point because it's like, I'm not going to go, wow, she has two satchels. You know what I mean? I'm not going to compare bags.

Speaker 2 I feel like you would, though.

Speaker 1 I think I would. Can you imagine we get all the way there and none of us brought a bag?

Speaker 1 And we're like, fuck. I thought, Juice, I thought you had a bag.
I didn't bring a bag. You were bringing the bag.
I would jam them in my asshole. 100%.
Well, we would jam them in my asshole.

Speaker 1 Oh, you would? Yeah. I would look like Ralph and you'd be like, you'd be my bag.

Speaker 1 Full of diamonds. Yeah, yeah.
You'd be my bag. Yeah, I would be your bag.
Bobby, I just got to do it. I would do it, though.
But if I had to carry your diamonds through my asshole, I get 60% off.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's fine. Okay, good.
I don't care. Because I'm doing the lugging.
By the way, I'm not doing it for the diamonds. I'm doing it just to see you putting stuff in your asshole.

Speaker 1 That's all I really want. Because if we can make it back.

Speaker 1 If we're making it back. Yeah.
But can I tell you what me and Juice might do? What? We might kill you and then just take the diamonds from you. And then it's like.
You know what?

Speaker 1 I've always known that about you. Yeah.
Yeah. You'd do the same to me.
Because, like, in Dark Knight. Because you'd do the same to me.
Rumor in the Dark Knight? Because you would do the same to me.

Speaker 1 where they keep killing each other in the beginning when they're robbing the fucking horse yeah don't do that well we'd have to make a pact okay you know it'd be fun sign a contract okay it'd be fun to tickle him

Speaker 2 if we tickled bobby and the diamonds just kind of fell out

Speaker 1 yeah oh it's gonna take us 40 light years to get there yeah that's not bad though bobby doesn't have that much time yeah i don't have that much time i'm 50.

Speaker 1 we do yeah we're good what about this though

Speaker 1 let me ask you something yeah so let's let's put something else on the planet what else is up there yeah yeah So fuck the diamonds, right? Diamonds are gone. Yeah, what if it was like

Speaker 1 just all women? Mm-hmm. They're all top 10 women.
Top 10. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Top 10 on OnlyFans. So the top 10 on OnlyFans.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just like top-notch.
Top-notch. Right?

Speaker 1 And they don't speak.

Speaker 1 They don't have mouths? No. No mouths.
No. But everything else looks the same as a human.
Yes. Okay.
They have three breasts. Three tits.
Yeah, yeah. So no mouth, three tits.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they

Speaker 1 have a little bit, not a full one,

Speaker 1 but a little, like a little unicorn horn coming out. Sexy.
Pretty sexy. Yeah, it's sexy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're kind of cross-eyed, though.
Why are they cross-eyed? Why did you do that?

Speaker 1 Because I'll tell you why. Because they're always looking at the unicorn.
They're always staring at the horn. The horn, right? So they're kind of a little cross-eyed.
Okay. Right?

Speaker 1 And just

Speaker 1 the perfect vaginas.

Speaker 1 You did this? Yeah, perfect vaginas. This is perfect.
Yeah, perfect vaginas, right?

Speaker 1 Would you take a trip up there with me? No.

Speaker 1 I want to have conversations with these women. They can't.
Oh, yeah, me too.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I would learn sign language or the way they communicate. Okay, how about this, though? Yeah, yeah.
Here's the trick.

Speaker 1 There's got to be something bad. I'm not a shallow.
There's got to be something. Hey, there's got to be something bad.
One of the tits, if you suck on it, will detonate. Like an IED?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like a roadside bomb. Right.
So they're landmines. They're tit mines.
That's to make a difference. One of the tits has like one of the tits will explain.
Cyanide. Well, the tits are like.

Speaker 1 No, the tits. Yeah, the tits are like Shushito peppers.
You know, like one of them is going to be hot out of a batch. Well, I won't suck on them then.
If you touch them at all.

Speaker 2 You say that now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you say that now. You're going to want to suck some tits, especially if there's three.
Right. So

Speaker 1 it'll be like Deer Hunter. You know what I mean? It'll be like Deer Hunter.

Speaker 1 Well, what about for Juice? For Juice, there's a planet where there's a guy who has

Speaker 1 two dicks, one for your butt, one for your puss. And then he also has a dick on his face.
So it's one for your mouth. So he's the three-dick guy.
Interested?

Speaker 1 And he's the best joke writer. Yeah, he tells us.
He's the best joke writer. Like, literally, like everything that comes in his mouth is guaranteed to work on stage.
They crush it.

Speaker 1 So you can get back on.

Speaker 1 So you have the two dicks. Right.
Three dicks, right? Three dicks, really. One for your mouth.
One for your mouth, right?

Speaker 1 And you mean, so you're going to have great sexual satisfaction, right? But you're also going to come back with an hour. A new hour.
A new hour of material.

Speaker 2 What do you think? You know what I like?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
But it's going to take you 10 years to get there and back.

Speaker 2 You know who I kind of had a crush on? And I haven't in a long time. You guys see this wrestler who was at the store recently, King Ryan?

Speaker 1 Have you ever heard that? I don't know who that is. No.
Ryan Garcia was at the store the other night, though.

Speaker 2 Do you know who that is?

Speaker 2 Is that the kid? The boxer? I think that might be the kid.

Speaker 1 Ryan Garcia. Is that who you're talking about? This kid.
Yeah. He was at the store.
Oh, you like him.

Speaker 2 If there was a planet full of these guys. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, so that guy. He's He's good looking.
Yeah. Yeah, he's really good.
That's the guy. He was at the store the other night and fucking jacked.
Yeah, what? Really?

Speaker 1 There's not an ounce of fat on that kid. It's all, I mean, he's not a big person.
He's a smaller guy, but there isn't an ounce of fat on that fucking kid.

Speaker 1 It's insane. Tight as a top.
You've never seen his hands? How fast this kid is? No, at all. Show video this fucking kid.
It's insane.

Speaker 1 He's so fast.

Speaker 2 He doesn't have to be funny.

Speaker 1 He doesn't? No. Can I tell you something? You know he's not funny.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's too good at something else.

Speaker 1 You can't be that good at boxing and be very funny. And if he's that good looking, boxing, and funny, we would kill him.
We'd kill him, yeah. We killed him.

Speaker 1 He's not going to work on it.

Speaker 2 How would you guys kill it with this guy?

Speaker 1 Shoot him with a gun.

Speaker 1 The old school way.

Speaker 1 Like an American. Look at this kid.

Speaker 1 Imagine he hands. Oh, I want to watch him on YouTube.
You should. He's so fast.
So good. His hands are just so quick.
Oh, that's a body shot, baby. Yeah, he was at.

Speaker 1 So plan it to those guys, and you're good. What if he has no dicks? No dicks? No dick.
But eats pussy.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it takes 40 light years.

Speaker 1 10, 10, 10, 10, 10. Five there, five back.
Okay, then, yeah, yeah. All right.

Speaker 2 I can pack a bag.

Speaker 2 Bring some toys.

Speaker 1 If you could go, if you really, look, if they open it up, they already are going to open up space travel. Would you go? Yeah, I would go.

Speaker 1 Even if they say there's a planet out there that has the same atmosphere as Earth, right? What if it's 50-50 risk of coming back? That's fine. fine, but they say we don't know what's there.

Speaker 1 We don't know if there's humanoids. We just know there's vegetation because there's atmosphere and oxygen and all that stuff.
I might do it. Would you do it, Juice?

Speaker 2 I think I would. I feel like people talked about this with the planes, right?

Speaker 1 But 50% chance of coming back. If they gave you, if they said half people don't make it.

Speaker 1 Make it there or when they can make it back. Don't come back.
They can't come back. But do you die on the planet or just stay there? They're not going to tell you what happens.

Speaker 1 You just have 50% don't get back. But they don't die.

Speaker 1 They don't say that. I would have to ask those questions.
Likelihood is high that they're going to die. Not enough resources.
Can I ask how they died? Unfortunately, we're not allowed to tell you.

Speaker 1 Really? That's part of our. Oh, so then I land on the planet and this is fucking 50-foot-fucking black dude with a pink dick

Speaker 1 and chasing you, and then I get fucked to death. So you know about Jamal.

Speaker 1 I know about the Jamal planet. You're aware about Jamal planet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's his planet.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Biotor.

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Speaker 1 Why wouldn't you do it?

Speaker 2 It's scary. It's terrifying.

Speaker 1 terrifying see i'm not scared of it i just feel like something is gonna go wrong yeah i'm not like afraid of the plane of jumping out i'm like i know i'll be the fucking guy who who they're like the shoot's fucked up and i'm like what like i know that'll be me because there's two things that happen right there's two shoots there's the main shoot and the emergency shoot correct and they go right so the mail like if I do the main shoot and it doesn't work, the biggest fear is when the second shoot doesn't work.

Speaker 1 That's when it all pops in. Especially because I just saw that video that came out of that guy.
There was a video that went, oh, what does this say?

Speaker 1 The lowest on record, 10 fatalities last year. 10 people died.
Out of how many jumps? 100,000 jumps.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and 10 of 100,000 is, that's enough. That's enough to fuck me up.
Yeah, it'd have to be one of 100,000. No, it'd have to be none.

Speaker 1 None of them. I don't want it to happen.
It's like commercial airlines. It's like.
Yeah, but roller coasters has like,

Speaker 1 there's got to be fatalities on roller coasters, right?

Speaker 2 On roller coasters, more in a car, which you get in every day.

Speaker 1 I know. Well, what do we talk about today? No, but the difference of roller coasters is roller coasters are running all day, every day.

Speaker 1 100,000 jumps is not a lot. I guarantee you, there's about probably 20 million roller coaster rides happening.
Right. Okay.

Speaker 1 The amount is insane.

Speaker 1 But also, there's that video of that guy, the skydiver guy, it just happened. His fucking chute opened, got tangled.

Speaker 1 The emergency chute got tangled in the tangled chute, and he almost died, but it came out at the last second.

Speaker 2 This was a scary episode.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a little bit of scary.

Speaker 1 Dick pics and death from the sky. Yeah.
Oh, my God. Look at that.
That'll be me. That's the guy.
Oh, my God. Oh my god, no, it opens at like the last second.

Speaker 1 This is it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, fuck.
He's in it. He's fucking inside of it.
Stomach flipped.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. And then, so that's the red one.
That's the emergency one that he throws behind it. See the red one behind him? That's the other one.

Speaker 1 And that ain't opening neither. Just

Speaker 1 climbing. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 Also to die tangled. You're tangled and you're dying.
Well I don't think the tangling is that bit much of an issue. Yeah, that's saying that.
No, no, no, I'm saying because you can't, it's even worse.

Speaker 1 There, boom, boom. Last second.

Speaker 1 Lucky son of a bitch.

Speaker 1 This lucky son of a bitch. Go play the lottery.
Go play the fucking. Yeah.
Speaking of which, lottery was won by Illinois, one of my people. Do you think he'll do that again?

Speaker 1 He'll probably do it again. Yeah.
Yeah, I watch one of those things about wingsuit guys. Yeah.
Those fucking psychos. Yeah.
They do it all the time. Their friends die constantly.

Speaker 1 I watched a documentary on Netflix. I don't remember the name of it.
The wingsuit guy. One of his friends, they were wingsuiting in a canyon of

Speaker 1 a ski resort, and he missed a gondola by a foot.

Speaker 1 One foot. People were inside of it.
This guy missed a gondola by one fucking foot, Bobby. And when they got down, he was like, they were shaking.
And he was like, dude,

Speaker 1 I couldn't control myself. He's like, I almost hit the gondola.
And if he hit the gondola, not only would he would have died, people inside it, because it would have exploded. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 My God. These Wingsuit guys are nuts, but they do it.
They all do it. They all fucking do it.
But what if it's the greatest experience?

Speaker 1 I don't like we don't know. I don't know if it's good.
I don't know. It might be better than sex.
No. No way.
How do you know?

Speaker 1 There's just no way. Because maybe, like, how about would you have sex? Let me, how about this?

Speaker 1 It can't be better than comedy. If one person out of every hundred people have sex,

Speaker 1 one person every

Speaker 1 one out of every 100 people die when they have sex when you have sex.

Speaker 1 One out of 100? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, probably.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I probably would. Yeah, yeah, me too.
Yeah. How about this?

Speaker 1 I'd rather die having sex than jump out of an airplane. Yeah.
It's like, you know,

Speaker 1 that drug ICE, it must be like that, right? It's like... ICE is meth, right? Meth, right.
Yeah. It's like one out of every 50 people die.
No. Something crazy like that.
Well, fucking is mine.

Speaker 1 The annual incidence of sudden cardiovascular deaths, heart attacks, sexual activity, so 0.2 out of every 100,000 men. Yeah.
That out.

Speaker 1 Now, would you be okay? How about this, though? Yeah. If you do die fucking, it doesn't happen while you're fucking.
It happens right when you finish. Well, that's nice.
See what I mean?

Speaker 1 I'd rather that. I'd rather have it.
Yeah. Whatever happened right before you finish would be the worst.
I wouldn't do it then. Well, there's people that die while they're fucking.

Speaker 1 In the middle of fucking.

Speaker 1 Isn't there like an old rumor that Matthew McConaughey's dad died while he was fucking? I think he talked about it one time. But it sounds like a thing that he would want to be true anyway.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, die while he was fucking, man.
That's why I named my company, Just Keep Living, dude. Yeah, Matthew McConney says his dad died while having sex.

Speaker 1 And apparently they rolled him out to the street with his, and his cock was still hard when he died. I imagine the woman.
That was the rumor. The trauma.

Speaker 1 For the woman? Yeah. Why is your dick? Or man?

Speaker 1 John, why is your dick cold?

Speaker 2 She might have killed him.

Speaker 1 I didn't say how he did. Pussy was so good.

Speaker 1 Pussy was so good, Don, killed my ass. Can you imagine, though,

Speaker 1 dying while you're fucking?

Speaker 1 Well, that's the way to go. See, you say that, but no, it's not.

Speaker 1 Because then they cart you out naked and your little limp penis snake. I mean, it's just weird.
And

Speaker 1 the face.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're like, ooh,

Speaker 1 yeah. No way.
With your dick hard.

Speaker 1 And your family gets to the fucking mortician and they're like, can we we see the body and they see it and they're like you didn't fix the face like we can't yeah yeah it's stuck so the viewing everyone's like go say your go say your buys and you're just they're like no i'd make them put a spider-man fucking thing on my face

Speaker 1 shooting jizzwest yeah yeah

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 yeah i don't know i don't think i could ever i just i i'm not it's not that i've gotten more riskivers as i've gotten older for stuff like that i just never have been into it i'm always like why i don't know i don't feel like jumping out of a fucking plane about dying on stage

Speaker 1 you know i I thought about that when I saw what's her name fall and hit her fucking head really hard on that video. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 What was her name? Why can't I think of Heather? Heather McDonald. Huh? Heather McDonald.
Yeah, Heather McDonald. She did? Yeah, she

Speaker 1 smoked her head. She passed out from COVID.
Oh, yeah, I remember that. I remember.
Oh, Dale Hughley did. Deal Hugh did the same thing.
Yeah, Hughley did that.

Speaker 1 I guess when that was happening, I had a little moment of.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm okay dying on stage as long as it's like a good stage.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I don't have that.
Open Mike. Yeah, I don't have to do that shitty.
I want Sunday open mic at the store with you hosting for three minutes. There's no way.
No way. So

Speaker 1 how's it going?

Speaker 1 I just want to die. If you died on a cool stage, I'd be fine.

Speaker 2 You're like, drag me to the main room.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You're in the belly room and you're like, push me down the stairs. Just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all the way down.
At least die in the hallway.

Speaker 1 Where would you want to die at the store? Main room. On the stage of the main room? Yeah.
I'd want to die in the green room right before I go on. Why? To haunt it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, with Gus?

Speaker 1 That place is already haunted. Yeah, yeah.
So it's like, why not be another ghost? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Has Gus ever closed closed the door on you? I've seen his face, but not his.

Speaker 1 He's never. Do you know about this? The ghost in the main room? I've heard about ghosts, but I haven't heard of Gus.
What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Main room, green room specifically.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that to me, because I spent a lot of time there with Kiltoni and stuff, and I feel the most presence because I used to get there first before anybody and just play my trumpet in there.

Speaker 2 And I could feel people listening.

Speaker 1 Do you know the old... Okay, so you know in the main room, green room, you know, the double doors for the bathroom.
You know, it's like, it's like swing doors. I'm not kidding.
Ron Funches had left.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Ron Funches had left, and I was sitting there on my phone, and nobody could have been. Nobody was in there.
It's not like he had been in the bathroom. We were sitting on the couch together.

Speaker 1 And I'm not kidding. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So he already left. Ron did.

Speaker 1 And I was in there alone. And I was like.
The belly room is dark.

Speaker 1 No, this is the main room. Okay, my bad.
Oh, you're talking about. I know what you're doing.
Nothing. Uh-huh.
I'm just investigating.

Speaker 1 I'm just investigative journalism.

Speaker 1 But I heard those swinging doors swing, and it fucking gave me the biggest creeps. And I went up there and I looked in there.
I just, it gave me the fucking creeps. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've been in there multiple times and felt weird fucking shit in there. Pete Gray.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 You don't know the story of Pete Gray? No. No.
Oh, my God. Do you know Pete Gray?

Speaker 1 I know the Tall Whites. No.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Is he a part of them? So Pete Gray used to be a doorman there and a phone.
He did the phones with me back in the day.

Speaker 1 And he performed in the belly room one night.

Speaker 1 That's him.

Speaker 1 That's Peter Gray. That's Jim Carrey.
Yeah, that's Jim Carrey. Yeah, yeah.
Is that Peter Gray?

Speaker 1 Doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think that's him. I want to hear it.
Yeah, anyway,

Speaker 1 he does a sit in the belly room. And he's walking down from the belly room to the green room.
Now, I'm sitting in the green room, right?

Speaker 1 And I look away and I look at Pete, and his spine broke. What? Yeah, and he slammed his head on that ceiling.
On what ceiling?

Speaker 1 In the hallway. Oh, shit.
Right? Like he had hit it. Yeah, and he said, I was levitated up, and I hit my stink.
Yeah, he had to get surgery and shit.

Speaker 1 And then he got addicted to drugs from the surgeries, and he never did comedy again.

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up. Peter Gray.
Pete Gray. Well,

Speaker 1 let's get him on the show. I don't know where he is.
I haven't seen him since then. He doesn't want to be anywhere near the comedy store, I remember.
I don't know. And then I think he sued the store.

Speaker 1 Wow. And I think he got some money.
How much? I don't know. Let's guess.

Speaker 1 Comedy store? Yeah. $3?

Speaker 1 I mean, because back then it was back when the comedy store was on the verge of closing. It was so close.
Yeah, it was so close to closing because there's no customers.

Speaker 1 But I remember he got, I didn't see it, but he did level because you know how high that fucking hallway is. Yeah, and he's not that much taller than I am, and he broke his spine.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 Tell me some other freaky shit that you saw when you go play in the trumpet in the main room by yourself.

Speaker 2 I don't see it.

Speaker 1 Have you heard the piano?

Speaker 1 I've heard that from multiple people. They can hear the piano.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've heard from other people. The piano.
I always feel good, though.

Speaker 2 I feel like there's a presence there, but it always feels good to me. Like, it feels like happy spirits.

Speaker 1 Happy spirits. Yeah.
That's because what you elude, what you exude is happy spirits.

Speaker 2 Maybe. You get good ghosts.

Speaker 1 Bobby.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 You get bad ghosts, eh?

Speaker 2 This ghost breaks fine.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 1 have you ever been in Mitzi's office? I used to take people in there all the time.

Speaker 1 When I had a friend in from out of town, you used to be able to jerry-rig the door and go in there just because I loved how creepy it was. You've never been up there, have you? No.

Speaker 1 They locked it years ago. You used to be able to get in there and you could see all the shit in her desk was still there.
They left everything in that office.

Speaker 1 I don't, I mean, I don't know what it looks like now, but yeah. So, you've been in there.
I used to go all the time. I've never been in there.
I used to break in. You used to break in 100%.

Speaker 1 Because I would get drunk. I would, and guess if I had like friends in town, I would always take them up there and then tell them creepy fucking stories.
And they would get so fucking lit up. It was.

Speaker 1 Because she used to clean that room every year. Yeah.
With an exorcist. Yeah.
They would, well, they would, yeah, what's that called?

Speaker 1 Like a medium? It's like a cleansing. No, they do like a fucking whole clean.
It's like a whole ceremony, a ritual. Yeah.
Yeah. To get the spirits out.
Wow. Her office was also,

Speaker 1 maybe I'm wrong, but her office was also where the mob office was, where the back thing was to get the bodies out and all that. Oh, right, right, right.

Speaker 1 Because you know it was an old mob. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's fucking cool. And also, that's why when I saw this, I've talked about the seance I saw.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The seance.

Speaker 1 I think we should get a psychic to come on the show.

Speaker 1 Would you be cool with that? I love it. Have you ever done a psychic before? Yeah.
Yeah. Card readings or what did you do?

Speaker 2 Well, I grew up half Wiccan. I don't know if you guys ever knew that.
My dad's Wiccan.

Speaker 1 We gotta go. I know.

Speaker 1 We gotta go.

Speaker 1 We gotta get out of here. Sorry.
Like the fuck up. That sounds like a movie.
She is a wicked man. Wasn't there a Wiccan man?

Speaker 2 I've done the card readings.

Speaker 1 Is that a Wiccan man? I don't know. Wait, so your dad was a Wiccan?

Speaker 2 Yeah, my dad and stepmom are Wiccan. My grandma's super Christian.
My aunt's Catholic.

Speaker 1 Who raised you?

Speaker 2 Everybody.

Speaker 1 We're doing it right now, I guess. Oh, that's a Wicker Man.
Okay, I thought it was. Yeah, yeah, it's a different thing.
Totally different.

Speaker 1 My bad, my bad. That was what's what Burning Man was based on.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like Satan worship.
It's very positive religion. Like, and

Speaker 2 yeah, so like we would do any time we moved into a new house and we moved a lot, we'd do the sage, get all the bad spirits out.

Speaker 1 Give me everything about Wiccan. I'm so fucking interested.
I might want to join. I've always wanted to join a religion.
Is there a fitness? Is it expensive to be a Wiccan?

Speaker 2 No, it's probably the most free accepting religion.

Speaker 1 Great. Great.
Love it. Okay, we're two gay couples, right? That's right.
And you have a Wiccan church. You mean we're one gay couple? Yeah, wait, where's your partner? Yeah, no, we're gay couple.

Speaker 1 We have other partners, but we're a gay couple. We're cheating on those, them with us.
We're looking for a new religion. Yeah.
You know what I mean? We've been ostracized from the Catholic Church.

Speaker 1 Obviously. Right, obviously.
And

Speaker 1 you know about the Wiccans, right? So we're coming into your church.

Speaker 1 Is there a priest?

Speaker 2 There's a priest and a priestess.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're a priestess? They're both of them. Yeah, so each one.

Speaker 1 I'm Jack. I'm Bruno.
Hi. Hi.
Hi. So, hi.
So

Speaker 1 tell us about the Wiccan religion.

Speaker 2 Well, if you guys want to do a timeout, why do we have to be gay?

Speaker 1 We could have just been us. That's true.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like that you're gay.

Speaker 1 Me too. Me too.
All right. Feels right.

Speaker 1 Tell us about Wiccan.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 If you're interested, we can do a circle, like a circle. Circle jerk?

Speaker 1 We love that. We love that.
Yeah, yeah. That's what we do.
We did one an hour ago.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't lead the circle jerks, but I'm sure you could find somebody in the group that does.

Speaker 1 Sure. Okay, sure.
So give us some wicked people.

Speaker 2 Very open-minded people here. Awesome.

Speaker 1 We'll meet at the park tomorrow at 4 p.m. We know the park.
You know the park.

Speaker 2 If you guys want to wear cloaks

Speaker 2 or

Speaker 2 any kind of Renaissance garb.

Speaker 1 Ooh, you know what that smells to me. Shopping.

Speaker 1 Shopping. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whatever you feel comfortable with. And then maybe we'll do a

Speaker 2 full moon ceremony.

Speaker 1 I have a Darth Mall.

Speaker 1 is that gonna i have it like a darth maul thing sure i've seen it is that bring that i've seen that okay good how do you get into wiccanism who get how do you start it how do you if i say i want to be wiccan yeah how do we get where do i go is there a book yeah there's lots of books i think in any bookstore i i mean i know there's the religion section

Speaker 1 yeah what's the what's your bible called there's no bible but what's your but what's your holy book called or what's the

Speaker 2 there isn't one is there two there's not that's why the religion is so hard to explain because there's so many different teachings on it but there's like there's wicked wicked for beginners

Speaker 1 for beginners look at the look at the fucking cover of the book it looks tight no it looks scary yeah that one looks scary there's a skull of a fucking deer well yeah it's when it's dead it's got a skull underneath what's the difference right but it all right we burned a lot of stuff what do you burn like you write down on your will you know like when i was a kid i'd be like i want a playstation and then you'd roll it up and burn it in the cauldron wow because you want that to hopefully go out to the universe to become true?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like praying. It's how we pray, but it's more fun, I think.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's definitely not eco-friendly, but I do understand. Yeah.
Things you want, you must burn.

Speaker 2 But it's weird, like, growing up, because I also accepted Jesus into my heart because my grandma's Christian.

Speaker 1 But Jesus was wicked.

Speaker 2 Jesus was pagan, right?

Speaker 1 He was pagan, wicked. Pagan, yeah.
Sun God. Sun God.

Speaker 2 I don't know. It all comes from the same place.
Yeah, I know. They're all saying the same stuff.

Speaker 1 They're not talking about it. I know they do truthfully.
Already, can I just say something? Yeah. We know nothing about about it so far.
Yeah, nothing about it. I know.
It's hard to explain.

Speaker 2 I don't like talking about it very much. Wait, you don't? I don't.
Yeah, I haven't ever brought it into my stand-up.

Speaker 1 Is there a god?

Speaker 2 There's a god and a goddess.

Speaker 1 What are the names?

Speaker 2 They just are.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 1 They're not called anything. They're not called it.

Speaker 1 I think Lincolns are lazy. Well, sounds like really a lot of disorganization.
Yeah, they're

Speaker 1 organized, lazy. You know what I mean? It is what it is.
It is what it is. It's like, yeah, that's their book.
It is what it is.

Speaker 2 I also, it's it's not as concrete as like Catholicism.

Speaker 1 No shit. There's like,

Speaker 1 yeah, it could be. Yeah, they have the Vatican.
You know what I mean? You guys don't have shit. They built a whole city.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's why they won.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they won. They won.

Speaker 1 They're just a bunch of lazy stoners. They're very organized.
Could you be a Wiccan?

Speaker 2 Today still? Could I or could anybody?

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Are you still a Wiccan today?

Speaker 2 No. I'm more like agnostic.
If I had to label it, like,

Speaker 2 I definitely believe in something.

Speaker 1 Is your dad still alive?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is he still Wiccan?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And your mom?

Speaker 2 My mom, my mom, yeah, my stepmom.

Speaker 1 Oh, right. Stepmom, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I think you've really found it after the divorce.

Speaker 1 After the what? After the divorce. After the divorce.
Oh, so he wasn't Wiccan, and then he met a stepmom.

Speaker 1 And then he became Wiccan.

Speaker 2 He met a girl, and then he met.

Speaker 1 That's what it is.

Speaker 1 That's how fucking powerful women are. These pussies are

Speaker 1 teaching us how to get out. Imagine that you're like, you know, because your dad was a Christian, right?

Speaker 1 Meets this girl.

Speaker 2 I think, yeah, maybe.

Speaker 1 Right, and she's like giving him this, and he's going, yeah, I'll join it

Speaker 1 because it's the best pee he's ever had. Yeah, it's the best pee he's ever had.
And he's like, I'll do whatever. Is she hot, your stepmom?

Speaker 2 He met, no, it was a different lady that he was with after the divorce, who sucked, by the way.

Speaker 1 What was her name? Can we say her name? Jamie, yeah. Fuck you, fuck Jamie.
She's not alive anymore. Oh, yeah.
Dessert. A bummer.
Well, okay. Dessert bummer.
We went two different ways. Okay, my bad.

Speaker 1 It's okay.

Speaker 1 I immediately, that's a bummer.

Speaker 2 No, it's okay. And then you met my stepmom now, who's awesome.

Speaker 1 And she's Wiccan.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I think they met at like some

Speaker 1 Wiccan convention. Wiccan camp or something.
Yeah. Is there Wiccan camp?

Speaker 2 I don't know. The whole thing's really confusing.

Speaker 1 Kind of bum summer's almost over. We should have gone.
Do you ever go to that psychic bookstore on Ventura? No. Oh, we should go there one time.
A psychic bookstore? It's like this gig.

Speaker 1 They have one in San Diego, too. It's like a chain, but it's like a gigantic store where they sell

Speaker 1 psychic books. Yeah, yeah, like pentagrams.

Speaker 1 Well, I do want that kind of stuff. I do kind of want to break into the evil spirit world.

Speaker 1 Me too. I think we should get there.

Speaker 2 But there's good spirits, too.

Speaker 1 In the evil spirit world?

Speaker 2 Well, I don't go to the evil one. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I want the evil one. Why? Just because

Speaker 1 they need love, too.

Speaker 1 I want to be an alchemist. Yeah.
Don't you want to be want to grind shit and make sure to be okay? I want double, double, boil, and trouble.

Speaker 1 Can we get an alchemy set here?

Speaker 1 I want stuff pop up

Speaker 1 the whole time. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I want to learn about voodoo.

Speaker 1 Voodoo is so sexy. Voodoo is crazy.

Speaker 2 Have you guys been to New Orleans?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but

Speaker 1 we have money and we have

Speaker 1 been on planes. Okay.

Speaker 1 Wow. Okay.

Speaker 2 I drove there.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 The voodoo shit as well. I do love the idea of poking a doll in it hurting the person.

Speaker 1 That is kind of cool. Cut if that's real.

Speaker 1 Who would you do?

Speaker 1 What would I do?

Speaker 1 Which one would you do? Oh, whom would I do it to? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I'd start with you for fun. But would it hurt? No.
Well, a few things. Then what would you do? Well, I'd start with you.
I would know if I'm on stage and I go, oh my dick. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you know that's, I'm going right for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm putting a little chat, a little hot heat right there. Andrew! Yeah,

Speaker 1 all right, I'll stop. I'll stop.

Speaker 2 Now, what if people, like, the crowd, loved it? Would you keep doing that?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that would be our thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But they could never know. They could never know you're behind the scenes.

Speaker 1 We do a residency in Vegas. You're blowing up.
You're selling out fucking arenas in Vegas. And I want some of the fucking shine because I'm doing it behind the scenes.
You don't want to give it to me.

Speaker 1 Our friendship ends. You blow up.
I hire a contract killer to kill you. And he tries to come kill you, but instead he falls in love with you.
It's a story that you've heard a thousand times.

Speaker 2 But then he can't deliver the act.

Speaker 1 Correct. Because you're gone.
So then what? You come crawling back to me. Yeah.
Just like you knew you would.

Speaker 1 It's like that lady who killed her husband and then lit his dick on fire afterwards.

Speaker 1 Wow. Right? So,

Speaker 1 I think that's her thinking: is this: he's in heaven with waiting in line,

Speaker 1 Pearly Gates, and he's just like,

Speaker 1 I mean, what was the point of that? You do it before, yeah. You light the dick on before, right? Right, not afterwards, good ladies.

Speaker 1 If you're gonna light someone's dick on fire, do it while they're still alive, still alive, yeah, yeah, then they can feel it, it's pointless.

Speaker 1 That's insane. Woman lights husband's penis on fire, yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, what'd you do? That's a lot of fun. Yeah, that's a good thing.

Speaker 1 What'd you do? What'd you do, dude? What'd you do to light it up? Like, it's not just a divorce. It's not just I'm sick of your shit.
Like, murder is one thing. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Right, but that's another level

Speaker 1 of anger. Another level.
Yeah, yeah. It's just like me killing a wife and then just clipping her vaginal.

Speaker 1 That's just the thought of just getting in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Penises somehow are easier for my visualization to cut off because they're already out. So flopping a dick off.

Speaker 1 You're like, man, it's fellow. Why is it going to do? My dad.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. It's good.
I just wanted to burn this penis so it belongs to me and no one else. Oh, this is a different story.
This is a woman who burned her penis. He was alive.

Speaker 1 So this man was alive, and this woman set her husband's penis on fire because it belonged to her and no one else. And she didn't want it to actually get out of control.

Speaker 1 Her husband jumped out of bed, knocked over the bottle of alcohol, causing a fire to spread and resulting in $1 million worth of damage to their townhouse and adjacent property in Adelaide advertising.

Speaker 1 I mean, fucking, how expensive is Australia? A million-dollar townhouse. And this woman,

Speaker 1 she's charged with murder, arson, three counts of endangering the life as a cup. Wow.
Wow. And the father of three.
She had three kids with this guy, then let his cock on fire. Would you stay?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You got to stick it out. You got to stick it out.
I mean, you do. For the kids, for the kids.
Did they do us part? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Would they put a new clause in there burn till cock burn does you part yeah i bet she's crazy in bed though oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh that's my burn side

Speaker 1 can you imagine burning any of your gen have you ever been have you ever had any kind of burn at all yeah i just burned my arm onto my curling iron okay you know three days ago i mean like a bet like a fire

Speaker 2 fire it does hurt i do see that a lot of times girls get like permanent big permanent scars from curling iron yeah i don't think it's permanent i remember one time putting uh our microwave broke and i put i was a kid and i put kfc in the oven.

Speaker 1 You like the paper?

Speaker 2 I just like grabbed the tray.

Speaker 2 I forgot the whole tray got hot.

Speaker 1 That's a tough one. Burn.
Burns. Burn stuff.
Like fourth degree burn on the face. No, first is the worst, right? Is it? Isn't first degree burn the worst or no? Is it the other way?

Speaker 1 I don't remember which degree. I don't know.

Speaker 1 What's good? Like, is eighth degree bad or not good? What is the level of burn? The higher the degree, the more severe the burn. Okay, so fourth degree

Speaker 1 is bad. Yeah, you're burned.
Fourth degree is that you need skin graft bacon you're yeah you're bacon harvey dent

Speaker 1 your bacon yeah yeah but because i i read a story about a guy who met his high school sweetheart she was in a fire and i saw the photo which is

Speaker 1 probably a lovely lady right and he stayed with her right right because he loves the inside right

Speaker 1 and i was asking myself

Speaker 1 just let me finish let me it's like when you put a good sear on a steak

Speaker 1 it's still medium rare inside, but the outside is crispy.

Speaker 1 But I was asking myself, would I stay? Of course you would. I don't know.
With the love of your life. I don't know.
All right. And I want to be able to say I would.

Speaker 1 Well, this is this age-old question. Like,

Speaker 1 if they get paralyzed in the middle of your relationship, are you sticking out? So if your boyfriend got burnt like this, and it was burnt, I mean, head to toe,

Speaker 1 would you stay?

Speaker 2 You You don't even understand. Like, we have four roommates.

Speaker 2 We've taken care of them in this house on my so you'd leave. I don't know what I would say.
Yeah, she'd leave.

Speaker 1 You would leave. She's in.
You would leave.

Speaker 2 Maybe, maybe I wouldn't, though, because maybe we'd work it out.

Speaker 1 That insurance money might be good. Yeah, that's what I was saying.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, I don't know.
All right, how about this? Paralyzed. I don't know.
Okay, what about paralyzed? What if they be? I'd stay. You would.
Because I saw a TikTok video. There was a girl.

Speaker 1 So would she?

Speaker 1 I mean, she wants to leave, but yeah.

Speaker 1 Too many stairs. Yeah, yeah.
There was a TikTok video of a girl who broke her neck at her bachelorette party. Wow.

Speaker 2 Damn. Her pussy in her back, too.

Speaker 1 She broke her fucking neck. And she paralyzed from the neck down? Oh, yeah.
My God. On her bachelorette party.

Speaker 2 What do you think she was doing?

Speaker 1 Her friend pushed her in a pool.

Speaker 2 Oh, I thought it was going to be sad.

Speaker 1 See, this is the other side. Let's say this.
Let's say this. Oh, this is so dark.
No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying,

Speaker 1 does your staying with your boyfriend, the burn victim, does it depend on how it happened, right? Like, one of the most tragic versions of this chemical burn, you know this around the world.

Speaker 1 People chemical burn people. It's disgusting.
I hate that. That's disgusting.
I hate it. So if someone, it was at the hands of someone else, you're probably more likely to stay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But if they did it themselves, like drinking and fucking doing something stupid, lit themselves on fire, then you're probably going to go, I got to get out of here. That's a really good point.

Speaker 1 Did you see the document of Crazy Love? No.

Speaker 1 So in the 1950s, a guy was obsessed with this girl right he throws battery acid in her face gross blinds her oh she marries him what and they're still together did he pretend to be somebody else

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 they

Speaker 1 she has to wear sunglasses because she can't see really she does look dope though i know she looked battery acid in her eye why did he do that to her they got into a fight because he she was seeing was seeing other guys Okay.

Speaker 1 Can I say something though? Yeah. And then nobody wanted to fuck her after that.
So like 10 years later, she's like, I might as well just go with the guy that threw the battery acid.

Speaker 1 Nobody wanted to fuck her.

Speaker 1 Nobody wanted it because she was blind. She had battery, like, scars on her face.
She looks totally normal. She's wearing makeup.
They're all wearing makeup.

Speaker 1 Every girl you know is wearing fucking makeup. Anyway, I saw the documentary.

Speaker 1 So she married this man. What a miserable fucking documentary.
I know. It's crazy.
It's called Crazy Love. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And she, and he threw, where do you get battery acid from? Yeah, I don't even know how to get that.
How do you get battery acid? Do you guys even know?

Speaker 1 Is that a don't even we're gonna get flagged and the FBI is gonna come here because we asked where you get battery acid? Yeah, why isn't that's is it illegal? How do you get acid out of a battery?

Speaker 1 Seems like a lot of works and you're probably good to go. Some synthetic drugs made from battery acid.
Oh, this is cool. That's cool.

Speaker 1 They just busted a guy in LA with like fucking $200 million worth of fentanyl. Did you see that? Fentanyl is going to fucking kill everybody.
You can just get in the mail from China.

Speaker 1 Are you surprised?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Can we order some fentanyl to the show?

Speaker 1 Fentanyl works by binding to the body's opioid receptors found in the areas of the brain that could pain and emotions, extreme happiness.

Speaker 1 Right. So it's a binding agent in your brain.
It's great. My problem with those drugs, though, is they don't last long.

Speaker 1 Right. Are they like 15 minutes? Fentanyl is a synthetic opioid.
It's 50 times stronger than heroin. 100 times stronger than morphine.
Oh my God.

Speaker 1 But how long does it last? How long does a fentanyl high last?

Speaker 1 Four to six hours. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 No, nasal sprays take 15 or 13 minutes, but they wear off after four to six hours.

Speaker 1 Okay. That's a pretty good fucking high.

Speaker 1 Let's get some fucking

Speaker 1 fucking fentanyl. Fentanyl lozenges? Imagine.
It's disgusting what this is doing to people, though. It's killing some people.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's supposed to be used to treat any kind of opioid or synthetic opioid. I mean, have you ever had a morphine drip? You ever had morphine? No, I've been addicted to opium, though.

Speaker 1 I'm opiates. Opiates, yeah.
Morphine is, I mean, morphine in a bed, in a hospital bed. How about you? Juice?

Speaker 2 In pill form.

Speaker 1 Yeah, pills.

Speaker 1 But no more. No, no.
Were you addicted to it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? How much were you taking?

Speaker 2 I was just, like Vicodins and morphine, like, I would take. I remember I

Speaker 2 partied and had a bunch of these morphine pills, and then I picked up my friends from college, and I was just like puking in a bag. But I didn't want her to know.
So I like, I like picked her up.

Speaker 2 And then when we got back to our apartment, she lived in a different building, but same apartment. And I just, I was like, I'll be right back.
And I just tossed a bag of puke in the dust.

Speaker 1 You got to keep that bag of puke. Yeah, yeah.
You got to hold that near and dear. Was the high good though?

Speaker 2 Yeah, the high was good, but but uh, but yeah, I kicked all the stuff.

Speaker 1 Gotta kick all the shit. How about you? Morphine? Any kind of opiates we ever addicted to?

Speaker 1 No, no. I mean, I mean, I took when I shattered my leg, I took uh Vicodins and I ate those things like fucking candy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I didn't like how I felt. I felt, well, I couldn't poop.
Yeah. I didn't poop for like a week.
Yeah. You don't poop with opioid.
It's so hard to shit. Yeah.
So I couldn't poop. I felt so weird.

Speaker 1 It's, you know, my fucking vice is booze. I mean, I just.
Yeah, you're a booze guy. I like the way it feels.
So it's at the fucking Korean spa.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to tell you which one because I want to get into trouble. Dewey Spa.
Whatever.

Speaker 1 And literally right next to it, and this has been happening for the last year. You can ask Polly about it, right?

Speaker 1 There's just the most beautiful women in a building. I told you.
Right?

Speaker 1 And every time I go there and ask, I go, what's going on in there? Get away. You don't have reservation.
Well, how do you make a fucking reservation? I know. I go, well, how do I get reservation?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. No.
Why do you think it is that they won't let you go? They won't even let, they won't even fuck with me. There's a real brothel.
I go, but look at them.

Speaker 1 Legit, like a high-end brothel. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're all in there how come you can't get and then a couple one night one night i was there and a couple of girls were going into a van and they looked at me they go bobby lee i go tell me that's your in about it and they just got in the van and they just drove away into the night damn it yeah they won't tell me well okay so if you are out there listening and you're a fan and you run the brothel can you please let us know not that i would do it i just want to call the authorities

Speaker 1 i just want to because polly asked too because i'm gonna ask brah So you went and asked, they go, no, no, to him, too. Because it's like he's a movie star.

Speaker 1 It's a dozen beautiful girls going in and out. You told me you called me.
You're like, you wouldn't believe it.

Speaker 1 It looks like a movie. It's like a movie.
It's fake. It looks fake.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Koreatown. What did you look up? Koreatown sex workers.
Yeah. Anyone living around Western and Maplewood notice all the, okay.

Speaker 1 People know. Yeah, I just don't know.
It's out there. I just don't know.
I don't have a number. I don't know the guy.
I don't know a thing.

Speaker 1 What if it's just like a women's rights meetup and you just sort of mistake

Speaker 1 Brothers? It It could be, yeah. That would be terrible.
A PETA meeting

Speaker 1 at two in the morning? You know what I mean? On a Saturday night? I see you coming out just eating something in a row. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I got to say, here's the deal. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Please, everybody out there, and I mean this with all my heart and soul, please send Bobby dick pics so we can see how many we get for the next episode. Stop sending them to Juice.

Speaker 1 She don't want them.

Speaker 1 She don't want them. Okay? I got my COVID test back.
You're positive. I want to put my, can I just put it in my birth date? Oh, fuck.
Oh. Here we go.

Speaker 1 If you're positive live on the air, I'm going to be so fucking pissed. Show me.

Speaker 1 Not detected. Negative.
That's a good thing. Wow.

Speaker 2 That's a great ending.

Speaker 1 Can I say something, by the way? Yeah. In the history of this show that's been on the air for three years now or whatever, two and a half years, something like that.

Speaker 1 Do you realize the amount of times we've been in this room with COVID? Like, remember, we filmed during the middle of COVID. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I had it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You had it. Yeah.
Fancy's had it. Yeah.
These guys have all brought it in and come and gone. Jules is obviously a little Petri dish, a little receptor and a giver.
What do they call that?

Speaker 1 When you're not, when you never get sick, but you're, she's a carrier. Carrier.

Speaker 1 This has been a COVID family. Yes.
And I'm glad that you're negative. Thank you.
But I don't believe it. I don't either, but I feel sick.
Yeah, you're sick. Have you had COVID? Yeah.
Okay, good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're getting it. You're part of the family.
Yeah, you're part of the family. Bryce, have you had it? Not yet.
Get over and give Bobby a kiss.

Speaker 1 Do it. Bobby.
He'll do it for the show. Send Bobby dick pics, please.
Please, please, please. No more to juice.
And then I'll. Vaginal ones as well.

Speaker 2 To Bobby.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, you want both? Combo.
Send him everything. Send him it all.

Speaker 1 All right, Juice, do you want to

Speaker 1 say thank you for being a bad friend? I'd love to. Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.