Dangerous DMs

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Am I still on camera if I go all the way this way? Two different friends. Who just was, you can't get.
No, I didn't have it. And then I took that and then this morning, you know how they come over.
You want to talk into the mic so we can start the show? And then this morning, they had a, you know, how they come over. You had a PCR person come over to the house? Yeah.
What did they say? She goes, knock, knock, knock. Right? And I go, get out of here.
Right. They go, no, we're the nurse.
I go, okay, come on in. You know what I mean? So you do think it's COVID? No.
I don't think it is. It's like all of the symptoms.
I don't think it is. By the way, who's that coming from the left field? That's juicy.
Juicy. That's juicy.
And you know what? We're going to say, I know we've gone back and forth over being able to say juicy or not. I mean, you can say it.
I know, but it's just so fun to say juice. It's so fun to say juices.
Yeah. I mean, it's a little too sexual though too sexual though no we said that but it's not it's if you make it that way it is look at how many great uh juice the movie was amazing look at him is it uh type in famous people named how about dry girl it's all the opposite it's dry girl really yeah dry girl yeah oh yeah all right dry dame i was debating bringing this up because i don't want to invite more of this into my dms but at age 32 i received my first dick pic oh all right let's go over the first dick pic this is the first dick pic you've ever gotten yeah oh wow this week yeah i'm sure it's from somebody someone here one of our crew members No, no.
It's Carlos? In the Bad Friends universe. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, a Bad Friends fan. Yeah.
Well, I love the Bad Friends. It's like the Marvel universe with no powers.
Right? I'll send you my dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. Wait.
Jetski. Now you changed the name.
Yeah, I just can't do it. I'm going to say Juicy.
Ju Yeah, just juicy. Until you can come up with something that you would rather, you know.
How about just juice? But juice sounds dope. Juice, yeah.
No, but here. But listen, seriously.
Yeah. On, this is your first DP.
Yeah. Well, I don't know if you should call it that.
I will. Your first dick pic.
By the way, I've gotten thousands. You've gotten some good ones.
Never got a dick pic. What? Not one dick pic.
Well, somebody's more popular with the gay community. Maybe.
Yeah, both of us. I get so many dick pics.
You know what's so funny? I get so many dick pics. I was with Kim Condon.
And yeah, I save them. And Wineshank.
You know, Congdon and Wineshank. Of course I do.
Right. And I was, we're talking about the hot male comics and you were in the group you were in the group and i it i was like you know i mean it was fight or flight for me they go jazelnac i go that makes sense they go you know i mean a couple of other guys that got canceled okay that's fine right then they go santino I went, I froze like this.
I think that's how I got COVID. From freezing? Yeah, from freezing.
From freezing. Yeah, yeah.
Eric Andre. This is a list of names of what? Sexy, funny? Hot male comedians from 2017.
Yeah, two lists. Marc Maron's on it.
Yeah, well, because we know that's not true. Yeah, yeah.
All right, so I was on the list. Thank you.
That's great. I'm glad I was on the list.
Were you on the list? You weren't. Ice cold.
Yeah, I'm never on any list. Yeah, but I'm not hot, but I am handsome.
No, they said hot. Yeah.
Yeah. That's nice.
Well, can I tell you something? What? Now that you're single, I bet you're going to sneak into that list. No.
Yeah. You're going to get hotter.
I think you're going to get hotter. You've been in a relationship for too long.
Now you're going to get hotter now that you're single. Yeah, but I do it like.
You already did exude something the other night. I told you you looked really sexy the other night.
Yeah, coming from you doesn't feel good though. Why? I'm the most honest person of all these fucking people.
These girls that say, you're so funny and sexy just because they like your talent they don't know the real you i know the real you i'm in love with you when a do go i'm in love with you you seem sexy to me tonight it just doesn't read as well sure from a random but not one of your best friends of all fucking time say it again you look really sexy today thank you yeah see you see you bought a little bit there. Thank you.
A little bit there. All right, let's talk about Juice's dick pics.
I do have an idea for Bobby really quick, though. Yeah? What if we gave him a sexy nickname? Ooh.
Like Saucy. Ooh, Saucy Bobby.
Well, I mean- Oh, here comes Saucy. Yeah.
Saucy. I don't like it.
Okay, how about here comes... Ooh, here comes noodles.
I love noodles. You're getting closer.
Yeah. How about pungent noodles? A little pungent noodles.
There's a flavor to it. Oh, here comes pork shumai.
Yeah, pork shumai. Yeah.
It's Chinese. I'm Korean.
korean wait are you serious you didn't know that when have you been korean you didn't know all these years imagine if i did think you were chinese listen you are sexy we will get you a good nickname well i let me say this though just to defend myself you know what do you mean no one's nothing to defend i have to okay i have to defend my honor he loves defending something that isn't defensible yeah i'm defending my honor right now okay okay i'm on the hill i'm wearing the samurai outfit i have my sword you're over the hill you're 51 i know but there's dead bodies around me it's in my right this is what i'm doing okay okay so i'm defending myself right to the end and i'm going to say something it It's been kind of cool. Okay?

There's been signs, not that I have done anything,

but there's been signs that Papa may be back.

Maybe the Phoenix has been reborn.

Do you want to tell the fans about you?

Nothing?

Nothing.

Bobby got his groove back.

It's just, you know, what people say. What people say.
Dick pick. So, vroom vroom Jetski.
I know how hard that is for you. It's just so stupid.
I hate Jetski at this point. Juicy, listen.
Jetski sucks. Jetski sucks.
Juicy. We gave you Juicy.
We blessed you with that better name. I'm grateful.
You guys don't know how powerful you are. In one episode, you've changed my name.
Yeah, that's right. We just shifted.
Yeah, yeah. We shifted her name.
All right, so tell us about the dick pic, Juice. I want to know bad.
Was it good dick pic? Was it a good dick? They're never good. No, it was alarming.
I went into my other messages, and it said, you know, the image, you have to tap on it to see it. Yeah.
And at 32 years old of not seeing a dick pic, I didn't even think it was a possibility. So I was like, let's see what this is.
What did you think the image might be? I don't know, a funny meme. A funny meme.
Now, if there was a picture of a dick in a funny meme, would that be acceptable? I would have liked that a little bit more. But I don't want any.
All right. Yeah, no, please don't send her.
If you're going to send anybody a dick pic, send it to Bob. He doesn't get any.
He's never had it. I don't want none.
Please send him a dick pic. I don't want none.
Now that he's single, please send him dick pics. Bobby Lee live.
I don't think they would. Yeah, they will now.
They will now. Yep.
I am imploring every one of our fans to send Bobby Lee a dick pic. Let's count next week how many you get.
Okay. Can I say this, though? And doesn't have to be hard by the way.
If you're embarrassed and you're camera shy, send him a softie. I want soft dicks.
Send him. Okay, only soft.
Soft dicks are good. Only soft and if they're tucked.
If you're willing to tuck, he loves a tuck. A lot of pubes.
What kind of dick would be your preference? Hamptons. All right, let's see this dick pic from this guy.
I just feel like it's... It's a nice size dick.
Yep. I'll be the judge.
And he just wrote, I love you, I-L-Y. I'll be the judge.
But the angle of this is like, it's like the fucking Empire State Building. Let me see.
I mean, it's so head heavy. He's so head heavy.
That's a big dick. Can I tell you something? I think that's the angle.
It's in portrait mode for sure. That's a good dick, dude.
I think it's Photoshopped. Can I say something, though? You do, right? You think it's Photoshopped? Even though the dick's good, he's poor.
Yeah, you saw his room. You see his room.
I closed it so fast. Yeah, yeah.
So when you see his room, you go, he's poor, so you can't fuck it. Let me see.
You know what I mean? It was like a chicken wing on the bed. Like, fuck you, man.
Yeah, in the background, there's, yeah. The closet doors are off the thing.
Yeah. He doesn't know how to fold.
Yeah, he's got it. It's a mess.
Like an IED went off on that. Also, if you're going to send a dick pic, do it so I can't see the rest of your room.
I don't do, you know what I mean? Or, like, I have certain places I mean Or like I have certain places It's a good size though I have certain places in my house where I only do all my Zooms Right cause I know where the best places In my house are On Zoom So this is a cool wallpaper Great photos It looks rich But this dude don't give a fuck He doesn't give a fuck No And if that's

That's probably the best place

He could do it

And if that's his best place

How to take the perfect dick pic

That's the guy

That's the guy

From the dick pic

Yeah

But you have to be

I know your boyfriend

I don't want to say his name

But you want me to say his name

Sure

I know your boyfriend

Very funny guy

I saw his set the other night

Oh cool

What you don't like it

That was awesome by the way

What

Sorry I'm tangenting

But I hosted Potluck for the first time

And Bobby was in the back of the room. And I was like, Bobby, where are my glasses? And will you go up and bring up the next person? I saw, and you pretended to be Jewish.
Oh, my God. It was fun.
It was really special. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The impression was okay. It needs a little bit of work, but it was good.
I thought it was awesome. It was super exaggerated.
No. Yeah.
Because, you know, she's up, you know you know right and i'm wearing her glasses but i'm like she i don't i want them to know that i'm trying to do her so i went the other way i got it who'd you bring on hugo galaxy hugo galaxy hugo galaxy yeah what a fucking name it's a great name one of the newest i had to show my dick to a doctor yesterday why did him? Went to the urologist. I showed him a picture of a penis.
I put a picture of a penis over my own penis. Why? Went to the urologist.
You get my balls checked out. See if everything is all good.
See how my swimmers are. Are they good? 98 million.
Did you know that? 98 million sperm. Seems like a lot.
Is that good? Yeah, he said it was a good number. 98 million's a lot.
My j jizz count was high that's a lot he said he's when they tested my jizz a normal sperm range from 15 million to more than 200 million whoa i was 98 million he said yeah i'm 15 million that sounds low what does that say 39 million per ejaculate is considered low right i was four times three times that. Yeah, I wouldn't want to get that.
Let's test your sperm. It'll probably go 150.
150 million? No, 150. Or no, just 150 flat? Yeah, flat.
And if that was the case, I would just feel like, you know what I mean? I'm doing something wrong. It's so weird giving sperm, dude.
It's just so uncomfortable. It's the worst.
You walk in these clinics. It's like well lit with with fucking fluorescent lights and she they're always mean by the way these women that work in these places they're always mean because are they attractive no so it's hard to get started it's a long time they should make the girls attractive that's what i know there's got to be i'm sure there's got to be i bet you in beverly hills there's a a high end place where they're hot and they just sit in the room and watch you jerk off.
Yeah, we go to high. They reverse Louis CKU.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then honestly, they walk into this room.
They turn on a little, a little noise, a little white noise machine. Yeah.
Which I didn't like. I turned it off.
What does that do? Huh? What does that do? White noise. They want it so they can't hear you oh it's for them it's ecstatic yeah yeah but the rooms are are barred off there it's like in a room in a room in a room in a room you're like so far from anybody hearing you are there windows yeah and there's no blinds no there's no fucking windows oh just make sure just to make sure my hand just on the window overlooking wilson if you have one of those like in Who knows I'm just watching people like coffee being like No, what I would do is I would look at the room and go is there any cameras? Yeah, there's no fuck me up There is cameras.
Oh if there was even like you look at our ceiling see those little gaps those are cameras i would

have to get up into those fucking crevices i'm about to blow your mind right now yeah

these are all cameras that's a camera that's a camera that's a camera these are all cameras

wow you're on plunked you're on plump it's a new version of plumped all right no so i had to go in

this room they have a tv in there with a tv stand with dvds for porno can you bring your own

Thank you. go in this room they have a tv in there with a tv stand with dvds for porno can you bring your own you bring your i brought my phone but can you bring your ipad see i thought about bringing an ipad but i thought that's way too much yeah it seems like a lot because they're they already know you're jerking off in there which is already embarrassing there's no way i could do it with their catalog no no an iphone my iphone oh i thought you said that i had to do their catalog Oh no! You their catalog.
No, no. An iPhone.
My iPhone. You could do it.
Oh, I thought you said that I had to do their catalog. No, no.
You're going through like. No.
Plus, I had seen all the ones that they had had. Urban Chicks, 1998.
You know, Bangkok pussy. You know what I mean? I'm like going through the fucking fire like none of this.
Urban Chicks. Urban Chicks.
1998. No, it's you bring your phone in there.
But I did think about bringing an iPad. And I, it's already a weird, embarrassing thing.
They know you're going to jerk off, and you're like, an iPad just seems gratuitous. I would have to bring my suction machine.
The Suck 9000 or whatever it's called? I have one. I know.
Yeah, it's the only way I can do it now. You can't just regular? Because it has two great options.
Yeah. Right, it has.
Didn't we bought it for you you bought another one yeah I spent top dollar yeah the automatic suck right it has sucking and vibration right whoa you can do combination and then you do release you can release the air right so it's just like you're there right it hurts kind of it sucks it I don't think it's supposed to hurt bud i make it hurt yeah i think he likes you put it on hurt i think i thought yeah i want a little pain yeah and i do the release right yeah so could i bring that machine in uh sure yeah yeah you can't i mean there's no rules but i just felt like i had to bring in I had to bring in my phone and I wanted to bring my iPad because my iPad has a stand.

My phone, I have to hold, right?

Yeah.

And also, I put it on the counter I tried, but it fell.

It's uncomfortable already.

They put stuff all over these chairs and they dim the light and it stinks. Of course, I brought headphones because- you mean you bring headphones why you listen to music yeah i'm listening to fucking radiohead while i jerk off oh you want to listen to the yeah i want to hear the i don't ever listen what yeah are you a serial killer no you watch porn on silent yeah that's disgusting it's not it's not he does his

own soundtrack no because and here's where you'd go uh the reason why i do is because jules is in the next room we'll put on headphones yeah but then i have the machine it's it's a whole thing so she hears whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop she does hear that yeah yeah she's like he vacuums So much.

Hey, what does that say?

That Kanye watches porn on silent?

He refuses.

Kanye refuses. Kanye refuses to listen to porn.
Yeah, I think that's a thing. I've never watched porn with the sound on.
Yeah, I think that's a thing. Yeah, he's a fucking loose goose upstairs.
Then I am a loosey goosey. We know.
That's something you share. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's uncomfortable too because you have to fill out a sheet of paper that says what what did it say i live with my mom in high school then i live with my mother-in-law chris jenner's house the kids next door and stuff what if this is such a sad he's such a sad reality your house his house is 50 000 square feet find a wing to jerk off in or jerk off in the bathroom anyway does your boy do you ever catch your boyfriend jerking off never so he doesn't jerk off i've never caught him what do you mean he's jerking off right now while she's here oh that's right he's like i love that you have that job yeah go do that podcast but does he he is at work right now which doesn't mean he's not jerking off yeah that's what do you think everybody does he one of those guys that's like i don't ever jerk off you know you heard these guys yeah which is insane no i've asked him before because i've never seen him do it And then what'd he say? He's like, yeah don't ever jerk off. You know how you heard these guys? Yeah, which is insane.
No, I've asked him before because I've never seen him do it.

And then what do you say?

He's like, yeah.

Of course he does.

You jerk off.

Yeah.

You use a machine?

I'm 32.

I get it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, do you have machines and toys?

Yeah, I'm 32.

Yeah.

Does he have machines and toys?

Not that I know of.

No, you would know by now.

You'd find him. You would know.
Because guys' machines are so big. so big They're so big They're cumbersome They're so hard to hide It's a humidifier They should make it look like other things Turning that on at night It's the loudest humidifier It should look like a lava lamp It's a lava lamp I'm from the 70s And by the around your penis.
Oh, that'd be cool. So cool.
Your dick is up there and the fucking... I'm on the planet Pandora.
You know what I mean? That'd be great. It's uncomfortable to come in a cup.
It's impossible to come in a cup. And you have to come in a cup and you have to write on the cup.
And you have to write, did everything get in? And what the time that you jerked off? Oh my God. And then when you're done, you put it in a little booth and then they make you sit there.
What? It's almost like punishment. You leave the room then you sit outside of the room and wait for them to say it's okay to go.
What do you mean? Do you stick it through a door and then they pick it up? Yeah. Like a little window? Yeah, exactly.
Like if you were pissed in a cup for a piss test? Yeah. Yeah, and they make you put it in a little door.
Same thing. And then they make you sit there like a weirdo while you see another see another guy like hey like it's weird to see another guy who also just jerked off you know what i do i shift through the fucking hazard trash bin you touch the hazard trash bin i have to know what's in there you that's probably why you're sick i know when it's red like a red bag and it has a hazard thing yeah when it says i open it up like it's a christmas gift needles in there There's needles in there.
Yeah, yeah, and I just go through it. You know what I mean? That's the one.
Let's get Bobby one of those. Because you see interesting stuff in there.
Yeah, needles, blood. Blood, yeah, stuff like that.
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BetterHelp. I just got a message from somebody on Facebook and they said they went on BetterHelp because of our ad.
I love that. And they said that she's a DJ, and she goes, it changed my life.
Honestly, here's the deal. We're big proponents of mental health awareness on this show.
That is truthful. We love to make jokes and mess around, but we also, Bob and I both, take care of our brains because we speak to people.
I think it's helpful no matter who you are, where you're from, what you do. I think if you take care of your brain the way you take care of everything else in your life, you'll find that it is very rewarding.
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And it's more affordable than in-person therapy. You can be matched with a therapist in in under 48 hours here's the reason that i think that i love it so much genuinely i like doing it from the comfort of my own home i don't want to get in my car and i don't want to drive anywhere and sit in an office and be uncomfortable better help is uh amazing they've done a great job so far so why not check them out our listeners are going to get 10 off their first month at betterhelp.com slash bad friends that's better help.com slash bad friends speaking of oh my god speaking of blood or something negative like that i know what you're gonna say huh the preys slosson car accident oh my god you're gonna bring up it's hard right do you know about this this woman was going like a 110 through blood through slosson slosson this video it's right it's so brutal can you want to show it or no so what happened was juice this girl's going 110 drunk drunk yeah well totally fucked up yeah and goes through not only just an intersection but smashes into like a bunch of different cars and people and then almost hits a gas station could have could have.
Watch, watch this. Look at this.

Watch how fast this girl comes flying through here.

Whoa.

Six people died.

Instantaneously.

A pregnant woman.

A couple with her baby.

Look at right now.

Watch this again.

Here it comes.

I mean, the sheer speed.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. And that's a gas station.
Can you believe that didn't light anything on fire at the gas station yeah by the way bad plug for united oil already my least favorite gas station yeah and she she survived she lived oh my god right she was like on the side of the road like what's going on and it's like oh what a disaster why do they always live i don't know's fucked up yeah yeah but i mean they always live i you know my grandmother once was like that's that's god's punishing them they have to live with the pain instead of just dying and getting freedom and i was like i i think it's just when you're drunk you're more loose and your muscles don't tense and you're more likely to just flip and roll and not die yeah that's usually what they say but it's like i've been on that road oh my god what do you mean i've been a thousand thousand times i've been in that intersection it happened so fast your life you're gone instantaneously that's scary yeah yeah i do i do think about how i i take for granted how how much we drive in la and how i don't really think about it i'm'm never thinking about it. I'm never thinking, but honestly, LA accidents,

constantly, constantly there's accidents in this city.

Yeah.

So you never think about it.

You're just driving along.

It was like those people, those fucking poor people.

What did that say?

There were what?

52,000 car accidents in LA.

Just in 2015.

That's an average of one person killed in LA by traffic accidents every 40 hours.

Every two days, someone gets gone.

In LA.

Yeah.

And that's also 16 or six years ago.

Thank you. 2015 alone.
That's an average of one person killed in LA by traffic accidents every 40 hours. Every two days someone gets gone.
In LA. Yeah.
And that's also six years ago. Oh my god.
Updated. That's insane.
Can you imagine the shift during COVID? How much they... 150 crashes a day? Mm-hmm.
So many. Yeah, I mean, it's like, you know...
What does that say? 79% 79% Asian why is that why is that on there why would they list that statistic that's not okay what website is that what's this all set up we're not bad drivers we just drive slow I didn't say anything we're not in that Omegle Law said that yeah yeah yeah we just drive really slow. Omegle Law, that's what that is.
That's like one of those law billboards that you see. It's like, you want to butt fuck your case in the ass? You got to call Mike and Kev.
It's always two tough guy looking bros. I cannot believe those attorneys make money.
Those fucking ambulance chaser attorneys. Yeah, they do though.
No, they they make a fuckload do you guys get road rage i you know what's so funny you've never been in the car with me i used to yeah and then you get oh you got so over it now couldn't care less it's all fucked every time i drive out here i don't even think about it anymore i'm so beyond when i first moved here i couldn't comprehend how atrocious people drove here it It blew my mind. And then years into it, you're like, I have so beyond.
When I first moved here, I couldn't comprehend how atrocious people drove here. It blew my mind.

And then years into it,

you're like,

I have a solution.

You want to hear my solution?

Of course.

Yeah.

All the cars should be interconnected in terms of talking to each other.

Right.

Autonomous vehicles.

So we don't drive at all anymore.

No, I'm driving.

No, we can talk to each other.

So I can press up.

What are you doing? What are you doing? What do you mean? Put on your blinker. It's broken.
How old are you? 12. Oh.
And I call the cops. Yeah, what are the cops going to do? Nothing.
Yeah. LA, PD? P.D.? Yeah, maybe that's not a good idea.
We're busy.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you know how many black people we have to just search randomly?

We're busy.

No, dude.

You know what?

Talking to people in the car, I think that we should all have scrolling LED screens.

What does that mean?

You know, like an LED screen that projects something, then you just say something into it and it would just say like, go fuck yourself.

So if you guy cuts you off, you can just put it up and it just is rotating on your car i want one of those these are just augmented ways of road rage though that's right they're safe you're right you're right you're right but we're not i don't have a gun i'm not going up to fucking kill someone but i do want to say to people sometimes fuck you but have you ever done this like like someone cut you off and then you speed up to see what they look like i have to know what they look like you know what they look like asian what what what do they look like. You know what they look like.
Asian. What?

What?

What do they look like?

No.

It's always like a white dude, right?

It's always a white dude.

Yeah, yeah. Wearing a trucker cap.

It's always a white dude in a trucker.

Yeah, right.

And shaved off, you know,

the sleeves are cut off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of white trucker,

a lot of white guys

with trucker hats in LA.

Right.

And you go and you,

and then if they look tougher than you,

you go.

Donald Trump. I always go.
Donald Trump cut me off in traffic one time. Whoa.
Whoa. Right.
And you go and you and then if they look tougher than you you go. Donald Trump Donald Trump cut me off in traffic

one time. Whoa.
Whoa. Yeah.

Happy. He was.

It was tight though. Yeah.

I love him dude. I was like love you dog.

You know I let him go. He was fine.
He was on a

motorcycle. So there's this movie my

brother recommended to me and he

it's the same guy that directed Ex Machina.

Ex Machina. Did you see that? Uh huh.
Great movie right? Yeah. He did a new movie called Men.
brother recommended to me and he goes it's the same guy that directed ex machina ex machina

did you see that great movie right yeah he did a new movie called men right i love the name my brother my brother's for two months i saw it in the theater you gotta watch it you got every fucking day it's a horror film yeah i don't know what it is dude all i know it looks like a fucking If it's a comedy, they're not advertising well.

That looks good.

Yeah, dude. All I know is...
It looks like a fucking... If it's a comedy, they're not advertising well.

That looks good.

Yeah, but let me tell you something, dude.

It's so weird that I couldn't finish it.

Weird as in like it's not...

Oh, it's an A24.

Again, another banger from A24.

Yeah, another banger.

It's so weird I couldn't finish it.

Who's in it?

Can we get back to the cast?

Yeah, you don't know anyone that's in it.'s cool i like that yeah yeah actually can i be honest with

you pretty fucking scary like you did freak out but not in a way where it's like you know you

watch a conjuring there's like there's like you know um what do you call it um jump scares

yeah they don't have any of that yeah i hate when they do that on the internet

i mean i'll just kind of just tell you when something's coming in and a baseball flies

at the screen you're like i just tell you see the first scary scene in it? You're not going to see it. Well, say spoiler alert to the fans because they get mad when you do this.
Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert.
Right. It's called men.
So this woman, her husband kills himself. Right? Big spoiler, by the way.
In the beginning of the movie. Opens with it.
Right. Right.
How is that a spoiler? how is that a spoiler i'm just saying yeah yeah sometimes the spoiler is a little bit light this is that one's right on it it's like you're giving away a big piece well i can't explain this next part guy kills himself go ahead okay so she decides to go to a small english town and get away she rents a house and you know they're like you know it's it's very like rural

right she goes on a little hike and then she sees a tunnel right she goes in the

tunnel and it's one of those tunnels where you can see the end you see

there's a little light right and she goes and then the tunnel goes right is

an echo that's right and she kind of echoes and makes a song almost

Thank you. And then the tunnel goes.
Right. There's an echo.
That's right. And she kind of echoes and makes a song almost.
And all of a sudden at the end of the fucking tunnel, you see a man just stand up. And he's completely naked.
And he just starts walking towards her. Right.
Is he hard? No. Big dick though.
Yeah. And then she's in her, she escapes, right?

She runs away from the naked man.

And she's like sitting there talking to her friend and the guy's just picking fruit naked,

you know what I mean?

In the front of the line.

What kind of fruit?

Why?

Why does it matter?

That's important for me.

Yeah.

It makes a difference.

Yeah, it does.

It does.

Was it like an apple tree?

Oh, it was a peach tree.

Peach? Love a good peach. the way right yeah if you're gonna be naked and pick something peaches are pretty clutch yeah yeah and then he just comes up the window and stares at her like this still naked yes completely naked and i stopped why that's not that sounds like it's about to get good yeah i don't know what happens after that but it's way too much dick for me.
That's how I felt when I got that pig. Dick pig.
Yeah, too much dick. That's why I brought it up.
By the way, what if he had his cock through a peach? Would that be funny? See that tunnel? See that tunnel? He says yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's it. Ooh, ee-ha-ha.
Yeah. And she runs her.
That's a big fucking tunnel. Holy shit, by the way.
I got in a YouTube wormhole watching cave,

or maybe it was TikTok,

cave,

people that go through,

they go into those little caves,

they do cave digging or whatever.

Dude, it gave me the worst claustrophobic.

I'm watching it

and I'm freaking out.

These guys go through the tiniest caves.

Their bodies-

Underwater, right?

No, no, no, no, no.

This is just,

they'll see a cave in a fucking mountain

and they'll start, they'll just go into a hole and then go as far as they can go it's it's caving it's in it's fucking insane there's a guy look at how fucking yeah it grossed me dude i kept i couldn't stop watching it i was on the shitter what are you gonna find i don't know another dead guy who did the same thing that they did yeah i mean you should i don't know what if that's like that like what do you find there like a gold nugget i don't it's a look up look up father and son caving yeah maybe it was tiktok i think it was youtube or tiktok but these two they go together and it was fucking me up dude i was like like i would do it if they said like no sometimes they find diamonds sure yeah they don't find nothing i know i'm just saying if that was the case yeah i might try it they just love the idea of of of going through these little tiny holes and they want to see and they map it out so they'll draw while they're doing it what it's like for other people and they leave like they leave stuff planted so other people know they were there and shit it's insane i couldn't couldn't stop watching. Do you think when men do that, it has something to do with their mother? To getting away from something or going back into the birth canal? To try to go back.
Maybe, yeah. Some psychological thing? Because I have no urge to go back inside my mother.
That was a dank place. I got an urge to go inside your mother.
Whoa, yeah. That was an awful place.
Dank isn't good, Dank. I like it.
Dark dark and well i maybe that is a very like uh maybe that is a calling back to like wanting to go back to like being in this these weird uh fetal positions and climbing slow and having to like morph your body through that's the only explanation in my head i guess yeah but some people just like daredevil shit because it's risky as fuck it's risky as fuck you can easily get stuck and die they found a planet in our in our galaxy that the the mountains are made out of diamonds let's go i know that's what i'm saying so what are we fucking doing so i would risk that i go okay let's try it let's die there yeah I'd rather die there. There was some scientist, by the way.
What is that? 55 Cancri, the rocky world knows twice the size of the earth. It has eight times mass.
It's a super earth, a diamond rich planet. Wow.
Yeah. Let's fucking go.
I want to go there. Let's go.
But we don't tell anybody. Well, yeah.
Well, we just told like. Us three go.
Okay. All right.
Would you go? Don't tell anybody. We told a million people right now okay so let's say elon musk let's say elon musk goes we can get there i don't know how we're gonna get back i mean i you know i mean but we can get there i think i can help you get there yeah yeah would you go i may i'd have to think about it what because what are we gonna go get all the diamonds and then die there? Yes.
Yes. Get the diamonds and die.
That's the point of life. Yeah.
You want to be like smog from fucking, you know what I mean? You're just laying on a bunch of gold coins. You die on a bunch of gold coins.
You know what I mean? Like Mount Doom. You know what I mean? I think it's a great idea.
But who would get more diamonds? I wouldn't even count at that point because it's like, I'm not going to go, wow, she has two satchels. You know what satchels.
I'm gonna compare bag sizes. I feel like you would though.
I think I would. Can you imagine we get all the way there and none of us brought a bag? And we're like fuck, I thought, Juice, I thought you had a bag.
I didn't bring a bag. I thought you were bringing a bag.
I would jam him in my asshole. 100%.
Well, we would jam him in the ass hole. Oh, you would? Yeah.
I would look like Ralphie You'd be my bag Full of diamonds Yeah yeah You'd be my bag I'd be like Bobby I just gotta fill you up I would do it though But if I had to carry Your diamonds through my asshole I'd get 60% of it Oh that's fine Okay good I don't care Because I'm doing the lug Lugging By the way I'm not doing it for the diamonds I'm doing it just to see me Putting stuff in your asshole That's's all I really want. Because if we can make it back.
If? We're making it back. Yeah.
But can I tell you what me and Juice might do? What? We might kill you and then just take the diamonds from you. And then it's up to her and out.
You know what? I've always known that about you. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd do the same to me.
Because like in Dark Knight. Because you'd do the same to me.
Remember in the Dark Knight? Because you would do the same to me. Where they keep killing each other in the beginning when they're robbing the fucking thing.
Of course. Yeah.
Don't do that. We'd have to make a pact.
Okay. You know what would be fun though? A side of contract.
Hey. It'd be fun to tickle him.
What? If we tickled Bobby and the diamonds just kind of fell out of his ass. Yeah.
Oh, it's going to take us 40 light years to get there? Yeah, that's not bad though. Bobby doesn't have that much time.
Yeah, I don't have that much time. I'm 50.
We do. Yeah.
We're good. What about this though? Let me ask you something.
Yeah. So let's put something else on the planet.
What else is up there? Yeah, yeah. So fuck the diamonds, right? Diamonds are gone.
Yeah. What if it was like just all women? Mm-hmm.
They're all top 10 women. Top 10.
Yeah. Top 10 on OnlyFans.
So the top 10 on on OnlyFans. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're just like top notch. Top notch.
Right? And they don't speak. They don't have mouths? No.
No mouths? No. But everything else looks the same as a human? Yes.
Okay. They have three breasts.
Three tits? Yeah, yeah. So no mouth, three tits.
Go on. Yeah, yeah.
And they have they have a little bit not a full one but a little like a little unicorn horn coming out sexy pretty hot sexy yeah it's sexy yeah and there's they're kind of cross-eyed too why are they cross why did you do that because i'll tell you why because they're always looking at the staring at the horn horn right so they're Kind of a little cross-eyed, right? Okay. Right? And just the perfect vaginas.

You did this? The perfect vaginas. This is perfect.
Yeah, perfect vaginas, right? Would you take a trip up there with me? No. I want to have conversations with these women.
They can't talk. Oh, yeah, me too.
But I would learn sign language or the way they communicate. Okay, how about this, though? Yeah, yeah, yeah's gotta be something bad.
Me too, I'm not as shallow. There's gotta be something.
Hey, there's gotta be something bad. One of the tits, if you suck on it, will detonate.
Like an IED? Yeah. Like a roadside bomb.
Right, so they're landmines. They're tit mines.
Let's make it different. One of the tits has like cyanide.

The tits are like shishito peppers. You know, like

one of them's going to be hot out of a batch. Well, I won't suck

on them then. If you touch them at all.

You say that now. Yeah, you say that

now. You're going to want to suck some tits, especially

if there's three. Right.

It would be like Deer Hunter.

You know what I mean? It would be like Deer Hunter.

What about for juice? For Juice, there's a planet where there's a guy who has two dicks, one for your butt, one for your poos, and then he also has a dick on his face, so it's one for your mouth. So he's the three-dick guy.
Interested? And he's the best joke writer. Yeah, he tells the best.
He's the best joke writer.

He's so funny. Literally, everything that comes to his mouth is guaranteed to work on stage.

It crushes.

So you can get back on.

So you have the two dicks.

Three dicks.

Three dicks, really.

One for your mouth.

One for your mouth, right?

And you're going to have great sexual satisfaction, right?

But you're also going to come back with an hour.

A new hour.

A new hour of material.

What do you think?

You know what I like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's going to take you 10 years to get there and back. You know who I kind of had a crush on? Who? And I haven't in a long time.
You guys see this wrestler? He was at the store recently, King Ryan. I think I don't know who that is now.
Ryan Garcia was at the store the other night, though. Do you know who that is? I think that, is that the kid? The boxer? I think that might be the kid.
Brian Garcia. Is that who you're talking about? This kid.
Yeah. He was at the store.
Oh, you like him. If there was a planet full of these guys.
Yeah. Oh, so that guy.
He's good looking. Yeah.
Yeah. He's really good looking.
That's the guy. He was at the store the other night and fucking jacked.
Yeah. Really? There's not an ounce of fat on that kid.
It's all, I mean, he's not a big person. He's a smaller guy, but there isn't an ounce of fat on that fucking kid.
It's insane. Tight as a top.
You've never seen his hands, how fast this kid is? No, I don't want to. Show a video of this fucking kid.
It's insane. He's so fast.
He doesn't have to be funny. He doesn't? No.
Can I tell you something? You know he's not funny. Yeah.
He's too good at something else. You can't be that good at boxing and be very funny.
And if he's that good looking, boxing, and funny, we would kill him. We'd kill him, yeah.
We'd kill him. It's not going to work.
How would you guys kill this guy? Shoot him with a gun. What do you mean? The old school way.
Like an American. Look at this kid.
Imagine he hits you in the front. Oh, I want to watch him on YouTube.
You should. He's so fast.
So good. His hands are just so quick.
Oh, that's a body shot, baby. Yeah, he was.
So plan into those guys and you're good. What if he has no dicks? No dicks? No dick.
But eats pussy good. Yeah.
And it takes 40 light years? 10, 10, 10, 10, 10. Five there, five back.
Okay, then yeah. All right.
I could pack a bag, bring some toys. If you could go, if you really, look, if they open it up, they already are going to open up space travel.
Would you go? Yeah, I would go even if they say there's a planet out there that has the same atmosphere as Earth, right? What if it's 50-50 risk of coming back? That's fine, but they say we don't know what's there we don't know if there's humanoids we don't we just know there's vegetation and because there's atmosphere and oxygen all that stuff i might do it would you do it juice i think i would i feel like people talked about this with the planes right but 50 chance of coming back if they gave you if they said half people don't make it. Well, make it there or when they

make it back? Don't come back. They can't come back.

Do you die on the planet or just stay there?

They're not going to tell you what happens. You just have 50%

don't get back. But they don't die.

They don't say that. I would have to ask this question.

Likelihood is high that they're going to die.

Not enough resources. Can I ask how they died?

Unfortunately, we're not allowed

to tell you. Really?

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And I've never been skydiving.

You gotta do it.

But it's really safe though.

Yeah, you gotta do it. You've done it? No, I don't think I'd do it but you gotta do it okay right on why wouldn't you do it it's scary it's terrifying I'm not scared of it I just feel like something is gonna go wrong I'm not like afraid of the plane of jumping out I'm like I know I'll be the fucking guy who they're like the shoot's fucked up and I'm I'm like, what? Like, I know that'll be me.
Because there's two things that happen, right? There's two shoots. There's the main shoot and the emergency shoot.
Correct. And they both could fail.
Like, if I do the main shoot and it doesn't work, the biggest fear is when the second shoot doesn't work. That's when it all pops in.
Especially because I just saw that video that came out of that guy. There was a video that went, oh, what does this say?

The lowest on record, 10 fatalities last year.

10 people died.

Out of how many jumps?

100,000 jumps.

10 of 100,000, that's enough.

That's enough to fuck me up.

Yeah, it'd have to be one out of 100,000.

No, it'd have to be none.

None of 100,000. I don't want it to happen.

It's like commercial airlines.

Yeah, but roller coasters has like, there's got to be fatalities on roller coasters.

I love you there's about probably 20 million roller coaster rides happening. Right.

Okay.

The amount is insane.

But also there's that video of that guy, the skydiver guy.

It just happened.

His fucking chute opened, got tangled.

The emergency chute got tangled in the tangled chute and he almost died.

But it came out at the last second.

This is a scary episode.

Yeah.

A little frightening.

Dick pics and death from the sky. Yeah.
Oh my God, look at that. That'll be me.
That's the guy. Oh my God.
No, it opens at like the last second. This is it.
Yeah. Oh, fuck.
He's in it. He's fucking inside of it.
My stomach flipped. Oh my God.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
And then, so that's the red one. That's the emergency one that he throws behind it.
See the red one behind him? That's the other one and that ain't opening neither. Oh my god oh my god oh my god and then so that's the red one that's the emergency one that he throws behind it see the red one behind it behind him that's the other one and that ain't opening neither just oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god also to die tangled you're tangled in your diet well i don't think the tangling is that bit much of an issue yeah that's saying no no no i'm saying i'm saying because you can't it's's even there.
Boom. Last second.
Lucky son of a bitch.

This lucky son of a bitch.

Go play the lottery.

Go play the fucking.

Yeah.

Speaking of which, lottery was won by Illinois.

One of my people.

Do you think he'd do that again?

He'll probably do it again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I watched one of those things about wingsuit guys.

Yeah.

Those fucking psychos.

Yeah.

They do it all the time.

Their friends die constantly.

I watched a documentary on Netflix. I don't remember the name of it.
wingsuit guy one of his friends they were wingsuiting in a canyon of a ski of a ski resort and he missed a gondola by a foot one people were inside of it this guy missed a gondola by one fucking foot bobby and when they got down he was like they got down, he was like, they were shaking.

And he was like, dude, I couldn't control myself.

He's like, I almost hit the gondola.

And if he hit the gondola, not only would he would have died,

people inside it, because it would have exploded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My God.

These wingsuit guys are nuts, but they do it.

They all do it.

They all fucking do it.

But what if it's the greatest experience?

I don't.

Like, we don't know. I don't know if the greatest experience? Like, we don't know.

I don't know if it's better than it.

It might be better than sex.

No.

No way.

How do you know?

There's just no way.

Because maybe, like, how about, would you have, how about this?

It can't be better than coming.

If one person out of every hundred people have sex,

one person every, what do you mean? One out of every hundred people die when they have sex we have sex one out of a hundred yeah yeah probably yeah i probably would yeah yeah me too yeah how about this one rather i'd rather die having sex than jump out of an airplane yeah it's like you know that's that drug ice it must be like that right it's like ice is meth right meth right yeah it's like one out of every 50 people die no something crazy like that well fucking is my the annual incidence of sudden cardiovascular deaths heart attacks such activity so 0.2 out of every hundred thousand men yeah that now would you okay be okay how about this though If you do die fucking, it doesn't happen while you're fucking.

It happens right when you finish.

Well, that's nice.

See what I mean?

I'd rather that.

I'd rather have it, yeah.

Whatever happened right before you finish

would be the worst.

I wouldn't do it then.

Well, there's people that die

while they're fucking.

In the middle of fucking.

Isn't that like an old rumor

that Matthew McConaughey's dad

died while he was fucking?

I think he talked about it one time.

But it sounds like a thing that he would want to be true anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, die while he was fucking, man. That's why I named my company Just Keep Living, dude.
Yeah, Matthew McConaughey says his dad died while having sex. And apparently they rolled him out to the street and his cock was still hard when he died.
Imagine the woman. That was the room.
The trauma. For the woman? Yeah.
Why is your dick cold? Or man? John, why is your dick cold? She might have killed him. He didn't say how he died.
Pussy was so good. That could have been.
Pussy was so good, done killed my ass. Can you imagine though? Dying while you're fucking? Well, that's the way to go.
See, you say that, but no, it's not.

What is it? Because then they cart you out naked

and your little limp penis.

I mean, it's just weird.

And the face, the front.

Yeah, you're comfortable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No way.

Your dick hard.

And your family gets to the fucking mortician

and they're like, can we see the body?

And they see it and they're like,

you didn't fix the face?

Like, we can't. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's stuck. So the't so the viewing everyone's like go say your byes and you're just there like I make them put a spider man fucking thing on my face shooting jizz webs I don't know I don't think I could ever I just I'm not it's not that I've gotten more risk averse as I've gotten older for stuff like that I just never have been into it I'm always like why I don't know I don't feel like jumping out of a fucking plane what about dying on stage you know I thought about that when I saw what's her name fall and hit her fucking head really hard on that video oh yeah what was what was her name why can't I think of that girl's name huh Heather McDonald yeah Heather McDonald she did yeah she smoked her head she passed out from COVID oh yeah I remember that I remember oh Oh, D.L.
Hughley did the same thing. Yeah, Hughley did that.
I guess when that was happening, I had a little moment of, yeah, I'm okay dying on stage as long as it's like a good stage. Oh, yeah.
Open mic? Yeah, I don't want to be in a shitty spot. Monday open mic at the store with you hosting with three minutes is no way.
No way. So sad.
How's it going? I just want to die. If you died on a cool stage, I'd be fine.
You're like, drag me to the main room. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're in the belly room and you're like, push me down the stairs.
Just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all the way down. At least die in the hallway.
Where would you want to die at the store? Main room. On the stage of the main room? Yeah.
I'd want to die in the green room right before I go on. Why? To haunt it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, with Gus? That place is already haunted. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So it's like, why not be another ghost? Yeah. Has Gus ever closed the door on you? I've seen his face, but not his...
He's never... Do you know about this? The ghost in the main room? I've heard about ghosts, but I haven't heard of Gus.
What? Yeah. Main room, green room specifically? Yeah, that to me...
because i spent a lot of time there with kiltonian stuff and i feel the most presence because i used to get there first before anybody and just play my trumpet in there and i could like feel people like listening do you know the old okay so you know in the main room green room you know the double doors for the bathroom you know it's like it's like swing doors i'm not kiddingunches had left. Yeah, Ron Funches had left and I was sitting there on my phone and nobody could have been, nobody was in there.
It's not like he had been in the bathroom. We were sitting on the couch together and I'm not kidding.
So he already left. Ron did.
And I was in there alone. And I was like- The bedroom is dark this is the main room Okay my bad Oh you're talking about I know what you're doing Nothing Uh huh I'm just investigating Uh huh I'm just investigating journalism But I heard those swinging doors Swing And it fucking gave me the biggest creeps And I went up there and I looked in there I just gave me the fucking creeps yeah i've been in there multiple times and felt weird fucking shit in there pete gray what you don't know the story of pete gray no oh my god do you know pete gray i know the tall whites no yeah see a part of them so pete gray used to be a doorman there and a phone he did the phones with me back in the day.
And he performed in the belly room one night. That's him.
That's Peter Gray. That's Jim Carrey.
That Peter Gray? Doesn't matter. I think that's him.
I want to hear it. Anyway, he does a set in the belly room and he's walking down from the belly room to the green room.
Yeah, I think that's him. I think that's him.
I want to hear it. Yeah.
And anyway, he does a sit in the belly room and he's walking down from the belly room

to the green room.

Now, I'm sitting in the green room, right?

And I look away and I look at Pete and his spine broke.

What?

Yeah.

And he slammed his head on that ceiling.

On what ceiling?

In the hallway.

Oh, shit. Right? Like he had hit it.
Yeah. And he said, I was levitated up and I hit my thing.
Yeah, he had to get surgery and shit. What? And then he got addicted to drugs from the surgeries and he never did comedy again.
Shut the fuck up. Peter Gray.
Pete Gray. Whoa.
Let's get him on the show. I don't know where he is.
I haven't seen him since then. He doesn't want to be anywhere near the comedy store.
I don't know. And then I think he sued the store.
Wow. And I think he got some money.
How much? I don't know. Let's guess.
Comedy store? Yeah. $3? I mean, because back then it was back when the comedy store was on the verge of closing.
It was so close Yeah it was so close To closing Because there's no customers That But I remember He got I didn't see it But he did Because you know How high that fucking Hallway is And he's not that much Taller than I am And he broke his spine Whoa Tell me some other Freaky shit that you saw When you go play In the trumpet In the main room by yourself Have you heard the piano? I've heard that from multiple people Yeah I've heard from other people I always feel good though I feel like there's a presence there But it always feels good to me It feels like happy spirits That's because what you exude is happy spirits. Maybe.
You get good ghosts. I don't know.
No. You get bad ghosts, eh? This ghost breaks fine.
Now, have you ever been in Mitzi's office? I used to take people in there all the time. When I had a friend in from out of town, you used to be able to jerry-rig the door and go in there just because I loved how creepy it was.
You've never been up there, have you? No. They locked it years ago.
you used to be able to jerry rig the door and go in there and just because i was i loved how creepy it was if you've never been up there have you no they locked it years ago you used to be able to get in there and you could see all the shit in her desk was still there they left everything in that office i don't mean i don't know what it looks like now but yeah so you've been in there i used to go all the time i've never been in there i used to break in you used to break in 100 because i i would get drunk i would and guess if i had like friends in town i would always take them up there and then tell them creepy fucking stories and they would get so fucking lit up. It was great.
Because she used to clean that room every year. Yeah.
With an exorcist. Yeah.
They would, well, they would, yeah, what's that called? Like a medium? It's like a cleansing. No, they do like a fucking whole, it's like a whole ceremony, a ritual.
Yeah. Yeah.
To get the spirits out. Wow.
Her office was also, maybe I'm wrong, but her office was also where the mob office was, where the back thing was to get the bodies out and all that stuff. Oh, right, right, right.
I've heard about that. Because you know it was an old mob.
Yeah. That's fucking creepy.
And also, that's why, when I saw this, I've talked about the seance I saw. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The seance. I think we should get, I think we should get a psychic to come on the show.
Would you be cool with that? I'd love it. Have you ever done a psychic before? Yeah.
Yeah? Card readings or what did you do? Well, I grew up half Wiccan. I don't know if you guys ever knew that.
My dad's Wiccan. We gotta go.
I know. We gotta go.
Wait, wait, wait. We gotta get out of here.
I'm sorry. Like the fuck? That sounds like a movie.
She is a movie. Wasn't there a Wiccan movie? I've done the card readings.
Oh, is that the Wiccan man? I don't know't know wait so your dad was a wiccan yeah my dad and stepmom are wicked my my grandma's super christian i my aunt's catholic who raised you everybody we're doing it right now i guess oh that's a wicker man okay i thought yeah oh yeah it's different thing totally different that was what that's that based on. Yeah, yeah.
It's not like Satan worship. It's very positive religion.
Like, and yeah, so like we would do, any time we moved into a new house and we moved a lot, we'd do the sage, get all the bad spirits out. Wow.
Give me everything about Wiccan. I'm so fucking interested.
I might want to join. I've always wanted to join a religion, so pitch it to us.
Is it expensive to be a Wiccan? No it's probably the most like free accepting religion Great Love it Okay we're two gay couples right? And you have a Wiccan church You mean we're one gay? Yeah wait where's your partner? We're a gay couple We have other partners We're a gay couple We're cheating on them with each other We're looking for a new religion Yeah You know what I mean? We've been ostracized from the Catholic church Obviously Obviously. Right.
Obviously. And you know about the Wiccans, right? So we're coming into your church.

Is there a priest?

There's a priest and a priestess.

Oh, you're a priestess?

There are both of them.

Yeah.

Not just one.

I'm Jack.

I'm Bruno.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, guys.

So, hey.

So, tell us about the Wiccan religion.

Well, if you guys want to do a... Time out.
Why do we have to be gay? We could have just been us. That's true.
Yeah. I like that you're gay.
Me too. Me too.
All right. It feels right.
Tell us about Wiccan. Yeah.
If you're interested, we can do a circle. Circle jerk? No, no, no.
We love that. We love that.
Yeah, yeah. We did one an hour ago.
Yeah I don't lead the circle jerks but I'm sure you could find somebody in the group that does very open minded people here we'll meet at the park tomorrow at 4pm we know the. If you guys want to wear cloaks or any kind of renaissance garb.

Oh, you know what this goes to me?

Shopping.

I love that.

Shopping.

Yeah.

Whatever you feel comfortable with.

And then maybe we'll do a full moon ceremony.

I have a Darth Maul.

Is that going to have like a Darth Maul thing?

Sure, I've seen that. So I can bring that? I've seen that.
Okay, good. How do you get into Wiccanism? How do you start? How do you...
If I say, I want to be Wiccan. Yeah, how do we get into it? Where do I go? Is there a book? Yeah, there's lots of books.
I think in any bookstore, I mean, I know. There's the religion section.
What's your Bible called? There's no Bible, but... what's your holy book called or what's the there isn't one is there too many there's not that's why the religion is so hard to explain because there's so many different teachings on it but there's like there's witchcraft Wiccan for beginners sure Wiccan for beginners look at the look at the fucking cover of the book it looks tight no it Yeah, that one looks scary.
There's a skull of a fucking deer.

Well, yeah, when it's dead, it's got a skull underneath.

What's the difference? Right, but

alright. We burned a lot of stuff.

What do you burn? Like you write

down on your will, you know,

like when I was a kid, I'd be like, I want a Playstation.

Then you'd roll it up and burn it

in the cauldron. Wow.

Because you want that to hopefully go out to the universe

to become true? Yeah, it's like praying. It's how we pray but it's more fun, I think.
Yeah. It's definitely not eco-friendly but I do understand.
Yeah. Things you want, you must burn.
But it's weird like growing up because I also accepted Jesus into my heart because my grandma was Christian. But Jesus was wicked.
Jesus was pagan, right? He was pagan, wicked. Pagan, yeah.
Son God. Son God.
I don't know. It all comes from the same place.
Yeah. they're all saying the same stuff about it truthfully already can you say something yeah we know nothing about it so far yeah nothing i know it's hard to explain i don't like talking about it very much where you don't i don't yeah i haven't ever brought it into my stand-up or is there a god there's a god and a goddess what are the names they just are they're not called anything they're not calling it i think wiccans are lazy well sounds like really a lot of disorganization organized lazy you know what i mean it is what it is it is what it is it's like yeah that's their book it is what it is yeah i also it's not as concrete as like Catholicism.
No shit. There's like, yeah, exactly.
They have the Vatican.

Yeah. You know what I mean?

You got to go. That's their book? It is what it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I also, it's not as concrete as like Catholicism. No shit.
There's like, yeah, exactly. Yeah, they have the Vatican.
You know what I mean? You guys don't have shit. They built a whole city.
Yeah, yeah. That's why they won.
Yeah, they won. They won, yeah.
They're just a bunch of lazy stoners. They're very organized.
Could you be a Wiccan? Today still? Could I or could anybody? No, no, no. Are you still a Wiccan today? No.
I'm more like agnostic if I had to label it. Like I definitely believe in something, but.
Is your dad still alive? Yeah. Is he still Wiccan? Yeah.
And your mom? I think so. My mom.
My mom. Yeah, my stepmom.
Oh, right. Stepmom.
Yeah. And I think you've really found it after the divorce.
Oh. After the what? After the divorce.
Oh, so he wasn't Wiccan and then he met a stepmom and then he became wiccan he met a girl and then he met that's what it is no that's how fucking powerful women are these pussies are out here yeah yeah teaching us how to imagine that you're like you know because your dad was a christian right uh meets this girl i think yeah maybe right and she's like giving him this and he's going yeah I'll join it because it's the best pee he's ever had yeah it's the best pee he's ever had and he's like I'll do whatever is she hot your stepmom no it was a different lady that he was with after the divorce who sucked by the way what was her name can we say her name? Jamie, yeah. Fuck you.
Fuck you. She's not alive anymore.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah.

Deserves it.

Well, okay.

We went two different ways.

Okay, my bad.

It's okay.

Immediately, that's a bummer.

No, it's okay.

And then you met my stepmom now, who's awesome.

And she's Wiccan.

Yeah, and I think they met at like some-

A Wiccan convention?

A Wiccan camp or something.

Yeah.

Is there Wiccan camp?

I don't know. The whole thing's really confusing.
I'm kind of bummed summer's almost over. Do you ever go to that psychic bookstore? A Wiccan convention? A Wiccan camp or something.
Is there Wiccan camp?

I don't know.

The whole thing's really confusing.

I'm kind of bummed.

Summer's almost over.

Do you ever go to that psychic bookstore on Ventura?

No.

Oh, we should go there one time.

A psychic bookstore?

It's like this gigantic... They have one in San Diego too.

It's like a chain,

but it's like a gigantic store where they sell...

It's a McDonald's of psychic...

Yeah, yeah, like pentagrams and...

Well, I do want that kind of stuff.

I do kind of want to break into the evil spirit world.

Me too.

I think we should get there.

But there's good spirits too.

In the evil spirit world?

Well, I don't go to the evil one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want the evil one.

Why?

Just because they need love too.

No.

I want to be an alchemist.

Yeah.

Don't you want to grind shit and make potions?

Yeah. I want double, double boil and trouble.
Can we get an alchemy set here? I want stuff popping. Yeah, yeah.
The whole time. Yeah, yeah.
I want to learn about voodoo. Voodoo is so sexy.
Voodoo is crazy. Have you guys been to New Orleans? Yeah, we do.
We have money and we've been on planes. Okay.
Wow. Okay, I drove there.
The voodoo shit is, I do love the idea of poking a doll and hurting the person. That is kind of cool.
God, if that's real. Who would you do? What would I do? Which one would you? Oh, whom would I do it to? Yeah.
Well, I'd start with you for fun. Would it hurt? No.
Well, a what would you do well i i i would know if i'm on stage i go oh my dick yeah well you know that's i'm going right for it yeah i'm pulling i'm putting a little a little hot heat right yeah all right i'll stop i'll stop well now what if people like the crowd loved it would you keep doing that oh yeah yeah yeah that would yeah, yeah. That would be our thing.
Yeah. But they could never know.
They could never know you're behind. We do a residency in Vegas.
You're blowing up. You're selling out fucking arenas in Vegas.
And I want some of the fucking shine because I'm doing it behind the scenes. You don't want to give it to me.
Our friendship ends. You blow up.
I hire a contract killer to kill you. And he tries to come kill you.
But instead, he falls in love with you. It's a story that you've heard a thousand times.
But then he can't deliver the act. Correct.
Because you're gone. So then what? You come crawling back to me.
Yeah. Just like you knew you would.
It's like that lady who killed her husband and then lit his dick on fire afterwards. Wow.
I've never heard of this from all of a sudden. I think that her thinking is this.
He in heaven waiting in line pearly gates and he's just like i mean what was the point of that you do it before yeah you like the dick on before right right not afterwards good ladies if you're gonna light someone's dick on fire yeah while it while they're still alive. Still alive, yeah, yeah.
Then they can feel it. It's pointless.
That's insane. Woman lights husband's penis on fire.
Yeah. Wow.
Yeah. Wow.
Yeah. Damn.
Well, what'd you do? That's what I was going to say. Yeah, that's what I did.
That's true. What'd you do? What'd you do, dude? What'd you do to light it up? Like, it's not just a divorce.
It's not just I'm sick of your shit. Like, murder is one thing.
Yeah, yeah. Right? But that's another level of anger.
Another level. Yeah, yeah.
It's just like me killing a wife and then just clipping her vaginal. Die! What do we die? That's just the thought of just getting in there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Penises somehow are easier for my visualization to cut off because they're already out.
Yeah. Oh, that's true.
So lopping a dick's fell off what are you gonna do my bad no no no no no no it's good i just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else oh this is a different story this is a woman to burn her penis he was alive so this man was alive and this woman set her husband's penis on fire because it belonged to her and no one else and she didn't want want it to actually get out of control. Her husband jumped out of bed, knocked over the bottle of alcohol, causing a fire to spread and resulting in $1 million worth of damage to their townhouse and adjacent property in Adelaide advertising.
I mean, fucking how expensive is Australia? A million dollar townhouse. And this woman, she's charged with murder.
Arson, three counts of endangering life as a couple wow wow and the father father of three she had three kids with this guy then let his cock on fire would you stay yeah you gotta stick it out you gotta stick it out for the kids for the kids they'll death do us part yeah yeah yeah would they put a new clause in there till till burn till cock burn does you part yeah i bet she's crazy in bed though oh yeah yeah yeah yeah oh that's my burn side can you imagine burning any of your gen have you ever been have you ever had any kind of burn at all yeah i just burned my arm with my curling iron okay you know what i mean i mean like a bet a fire. It does hurt.
I do see that a lot of times.

Girls get like permanent,

big permanent scars from curling eyes.

Yeah, I don't think it's permanent.

I remember one time putting,

our microwave broke and I was a kid and I put KFC in the oven.

You like the paper?

I just like grabbed the tray.

I forgot the whole tray got hot.

That's a tough one, burn.

Burns, burns tough.

Like fourth degree burn on the face. No, first is the worst, first is the worst right isn't first degree burn the worst or no is it the other way I don't know which way what's good like is eighth degree bad or not good the higher the degree the more severe the burn yeah so fourth degree is bad fourth degree is like you need skin grafts.
Bacon. You're bacon.
Yeah. You're bacon.
Harvey Dent. You're bacon.
Yeah, yeah. Because I read a story about a guy who met his high school sweetheart.
She was in a fire. And I saw the photo, which is probably a lovely lady, right? And he stayed with her.
Right. Right? Because he loves the inside, right? And I was asking myself, myself Just let me finish It's like when you put a good sear on a steak It's still medium rare inside But the outside is crisp But I was asking myself Would I stay Of course you would I don't know The love of your life I.
All right. And I want to be able to say I would.
Well, this is this age old question. Like if they get paralyzed in the middle of your relationship, are you sticking out? So if your boyfriend got burnt like this and it was burnt, I mean, head to toe, would you stay? You don't even understand.
Like we have four roommates. We're taking care of them in this house.
So you'd leave? I don't know what I would do. Yeah, she'd leave.
You would leave. You would leave.
Maybe I wouldn't though because maybe we'd work it out. That insurance money might be good.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah.
I mean, I don't know. All right, how about this? I don't know.
Okay about paralyzed What if they I'd stay You would Because I saw a TikTok video There was a girl So would she I mean she wants to leave But yeah Too many stares Yeah yeah There was a TikTok video Of a girl who broke her neck At her bachelorette party Wow Damn her pussy in her back too? No. She broke her fucking neck.
And she paralyzed from the neck down? Oh, yeah. My God.
On her bachelorette party. What do you think she was doing? That she dove in, her friend pushed her in a pool.
Oh, I thought it was gonna be sexy. See, this is the other side.
Let's say this. Let's say this.
Oh, this is so dark. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm saying, does your staying with your boyfriend, the the burn victim does it depend on how it happened right like one of the most tragic versions is chemical burn you know this around the world people chemical burn people it's disgusting i hate that that's disgusting i hate it so if someone it was at the hands of someone else you're probably more likely to stay yeah but if they did it themselves like drinking and fucking doing something stupid lit themselves on fire then you're probably gonna go i gotta get out of here that's a really good point did you see the documented crazy love no so in the 1950s a guy was obsessed with this girl right he throws battery acid in her face fucking gross blinds her oh she marries him what and they're still together did he pretend to be somebody know No They She has to wear sunglasses Because she can't see really She does look dope though I know she does Battery acid in her eye Why did he do that to her They got into a fight Because he She was seeing Was seeing other guys Okay Can I say something though? Yeah And nobody wanted to fuck her after that So like 10 years later She's like I might as well just go With the guy that threw the battery i wanted to fuck her nobody wanted because she was blind she had battery like scars on her face she looks totally normal she's boring makeup they're all wearing makeup every every girl you know is wearing fucking makeup anyway that's i saw the documentary but so she married this man what a miserable fucking documentary i know it's crazy it's called crazy love yeah yeah and she and he threw where do you get battery acid from yeah i don't even know how to get that how do you get battery acid do you guys even know is that don't even we're gonna get flagged and the fbi is gonna come here because we asked where you get battery acid yeah why isn't that's is it illegal how do you get acid out of a battery? Seems like a lot of work. You get a whole box of double Ds and you're probably good to go.
Some synthetic drugs made from battery acid. Oh, this is cool.
That's cool. They just busted a guy in LA with like fucking $200 million worth of fentanyl.
Did you see that? Fentanyl is going to fucking kill everybody. You can just get in the mail from china are you serious

yeah can we order some fentanyl to the show fentanyl works by binding the body's opioid receptors found in the areas of the brain that could pain and emotions extreme happiness drives it right so it's a binding agent in your brain it's great my problem with those drugs though is they don't last long right are they like 15 minutes fentanyl is aesthetic opioids 50 times stronger than heroin.

100 times stronger than morphine.

Oh my God.

But how long does it last how long does a fentanyl high last 4 to 6 hours oh no no nasal sprays take 15 or 13 minutes but they wear off after 4 to 6 hours okay that's a pretty good fucking high let's get some fucking fentanyl lozenges let's get addicted to fucking fentanyl fent get all lozenges imagine it's disgusting what this is doing to people though it's killing some it's a it's uh yeah it's supposed to it's supposed to be used to treat any kind of opioid or synthetic opioid i mean have you ever had a morphine drip you ever had morphine no i've been addicted to opium though not opium opiates opiates yeah morphine is i mean morph, morphine in a hospital bed. How about you, juice? And pill form.
Yeah, pills. Not that drip, yeah.
But no more. No, no.
Were you addicted to it? Yeah. What do you mean? How much were you taking? I was just, like, Vicodins and morphine like I would take.
I remember I, I like partied and had a bunch of these morphine pills and then I picked up my friends from college and I was just like puking in a bag, but I didn't want her to know. So I like, I like picked her up and then when we got back to our apartment, she lived in a different building, the same apartment.
And I just, I was like, I'll be right back and I just tossed a bag of puke in the dumpster. You got to keep that bag of puke.
Yeah, yeah. You got to hold that near and dear.
Was the high good though? Yeah, the high was good. But yeah, I kicked all the stuff.
Gotta kick all the shit. How about you? Morphine? Any kind of opiates were you ever addicted to? No.
No. I mean, I took when I shattered my leg, I took Vicodin's and I ate ate those things like fucking candy.
But I didn't like how I felt.

I felt, well, I couldn't poop.

Yeah.

I didn't poop for like a week.

Yeah.

You don't poop with opioids.

It's so hard to shit.

Yeah.

So I couldn't poop.

I felt so weird.

You know, my fucking vice is booze.

I mean, I just.

Yeah, you're a booze guy.

I like the way it feels.

So it's at the fucking Korean spa.

I'm not going to tell you which one,

because I want to get in trouble.

Wee Spa.

Whatever.

bro.

El

Thank you. Yeah, you're a booze guy.
I like the way it feels. So it's at the fucking Korean spa.
I'm not going to tell you which one because I want to get in trouble.

Wee Spa.

Whatever.

And literally right next to it,

and this has been happening for the last year,

you can ask Polly about it, right?

There's just the most beautiful women in a building.

I told you.

Right?

And every time I go there and ask, I go, what's going on in there get away you don't have reservation well how do you make a fucking reservation i know i go how do i get reservation no no no no no why do you think it is that they won't let you go they won't even let they won't even fuck with me there's a real brothel but look at them legit like a high end brothel yeah they're all in there how come you can then a couple, one night, one night I was there, and a couple of girls were going into a van, and they looked at me and they go, Bobby Lee. I go, tell me.
That's your in. About it.
And they just got in the van and they just drove away into the night. Damn it.
They won't tell me. Well, okay.
So if you are out there listening and you're a fan and you run the brothel, can you please let us know Not that I would do it I just want to call the authorities I just want to because Pauly asked too because I'm gonna ask brah so he went and asked they go no no to him too because it's like he's a movie star it's a dozen beautiful girls going in and out you told me you called me you're like you wouldn't believe it it looks like a movie it's like a movie it's fake it looks fake yeah korea town what did you look up korea town sex workers yeah anyone live around western and maybe would notice all the okay people know yeah i just don't know it's out there i just don't know i don't have a number i don't know the guy i don't know a thing what if it's just like a women's rights meetup and you just start mistaking it could be that it could be yeah that would be Terrible. A PETA meeting.
At two in the morning. You know what I mean?

On a Saturday night. meet up and you just start mistaking it could be that it could be yeah that would be terrible a pita meeting at two in the morning you mean on a saturday night i see you coming out just eating something in a row yeah yeah well um i gotta say here's the deal yeah please everybody out there and i mean this with all my heart and soul please send bobby dick pics so we can see how many we get for the next episode stop sending them to juice she don't want them she don't want them okay i got my test back you're positive i want to put my can i just put on my uh birth date oh fuck oh here we go if you're positive live on the air i'm gonna be so fucking pissed show me not detected negative Wow That's a great ending can i say something by the way yeah in the history of this show that's been on the air for three years now or whatever two and a half years something like that do you realize the amount of times we've been in this room with like remember we filmed during the middle of covid yeah we i had it yeah you had it yeah fancy's had it yeah these guys have all brought it in and come and gone jules is obviously a little petri dish a little receptor and a giver what do they call that when you're not when you never get sick but you're she's a carrier carrier this this has been a covid family yes and i'm glad that you're negative thank you but i don't believe it i don't either because i feel sick yeah you're sick have you already covered yeah okay good yeah you're getting it again you're part of the family yeah you're part of the family Bryce have you had it not yet get over here and give Bobby a kiss do it come here Bobby he'll do it for the show send Bobby dick pics please please please please no more to Juice vaginal ones as well toby yeah oh you want both combo send him everything

send him it all all right juice you want to do you want to um say good saying say thank you

for being a bad friend i'd love to okay go ahead thank you for being a bad friend Woo-hoo. Yeah.

Woo-hoo.