Bobby's Bank Heist

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Hey! Hey, y'all! You know what, guys? New York! New York! Here we come! Wait, that's such a good New York accent. New York.
New York. New York.
We're doing the Grand Mercy Theater stand-up. We're going to do some stand-up, and we're going to do a little bit of like a duo potty kind of a thing.
A little fun live thing for you guys. September 8th.
September 8th. Buy your tickets right now because they're going to sell out quickly.
And if it sells out, we might add another show. A second show.
We don't know. We might not.
Let's see how the first show goes, but probably a second show. Maybe.
Click on the link in the description below. The tickets go on sale at noon Pacific time, 3 p.m.
East Coast. Today, they go on sale.
So I know the episode's already out, but at noon on the West Coast, at 3 p.m. on the East Coast, buy those tickets now.
Also, Bob, I'm shooting my special September 24th. 24th.
24th. In Denver denver and i'm warming up so come see me i'm salt lake city brea minneapolis madison and then denver september 24th i'm shooting my special finally go to andrewsantino.com for tickets andrewsantino.com for those tickets you two are bad friends who are these two idiots A white dude and an Asian dude You two are disgusting

You two are something Bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Who are a white dude and an Asian dude?

You two are disgusting.

Who are you two or something?

We're bad friends.

Welcome back to Bad Friends.

Boy, oh boy, do we have a good one for you today because Fancy is gone.

He's in España.

I didn't even notice.

We deported him.

He's gone.

I literally didn't notice.

Well, because he's worthless on this show.

Well, we have Mr. Worthless.

Who?

Behind everyone else. He who shall not be named.
Captain Worthless. Captain Worthless.
George Kimmel. Captain Worthless.
I'm here to almost do nothing. Yeah.
In fact, when he walked in there, I go, what are you doing here? That's what I said. I heard it from the parking lot.
What are you doing here? And you know what he said? What? Just hanging out. Just hanging out.
He swallows air, this guy. I got a gift for old Rudy.
Yeah. Look at how sick this thing is.
It's from our friends at Bespoke gave us this. This will really kill somebody.
So please be careful. Okay? I don't have my other knives.
Well, we took your knives away because Doc shakes the chairs and we're afraid it's going to fall on his head. And that's specifically to kill other Filipinos.
No white people. Okay.
It says it on the little thing. Does it? Oh, yeah.
It says no whites. It specifically.
What about other Asians? No, only Filipinos. Only Filipinos.
Yeah. For the time being.
That could change. This is cool.
Unwrap it and see how sharp it is. Do something cool with it.
Don't get it too close to that chair.'ll pop isn't that sick huh? yeah say thanks bespoke we also have next to Rudy our very good friend who now we can no longer call by her other moniker her name is now JJ just Jetski Johnson we should come up with a nickname because she complained about it what's going on with the juice juice I like the name and then it dawned on me how sexual it could be taken.

But it's not if you don't, unless you make

it sexual, it's not sexual. Is it orange

sexual? Yeah.

Depends. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, okay, what else is juicy?

I like juicy.

Juicy reminds me of Harry

Styles. Harry Styles is juicy.

Which you think is very

sexy. That's right.
She doesn't want the connection between sexy and juicy. Remember those pants? Mm-hmm.
Juicy. Yeah, juicy on the butt.
Juicy pants. Yeah, the juicy sweatpants.
But that wasn't sexual. Although it was creepy.
Little kids would wear those. And I was like, what parent is letting their nine-year-old wear juicy on their ass? No, you shouldn't let your kids wear juicy sweatpants.
In fact, only black women and Brazilian women should wear that over the age of 18. White girls have butts now.
Don't overdo this again, what you did last night. What did I do? Hey, ladies, if you're single, this guy's available.
I'm not available. I'm not ready.
I never said that. Yeah, you did.
No, I didn't. I'm not available.
I'm not ready. Yes, I did.
I know you did. To the whole crowd.
And also, by the way, no one came up to me afterwards either. That hurt my feelings.
Not one person. No one came to you.
I'll not ask anybody. I'll not until two just to see not one person.
No one. They go, I'm available.
You know why? Because they thought I was joking around. See, they thought I was kidding.
But I wasn't kidding. Girls, if you're listening out there, if you come to a Bobby Lee live show, please wait until after the show.
He will be there. He will come talk to you.
He is interested. He is available.
He's very single. I'm not interested.
I saw Bobby give a tour to two really attractive ladies and I asked him about it and he just jumped down my throat. He's like, I'm just giving a tour.
Okay, can I say something? Let me say something, okay? I give tours all the time to not just ladies to men as well because people love the comedy store they go this is historic i go i know all the nooks and crannies it sounds so creepy yeah yeah what nooks do you take them to what i well i know the history of each room oh okay i take them to a room and i go this is why this room is here you take them to the old stairwell by mitzi's office yeah when the door was broken I used to get people in there Like guests When I'd have friends Come from out of town I would sneak them up To Mitzi's office And break in To Mitzi's office And it's You know It's still the same I mean I don't know What it is now But 10 years ago It had been untouched I ate a girl's vagina On those stairs Is that part of the tour? That's not part of the tour Not that tour That's one of the crannies Years ago Years ago When I was like 30. You went down on a girl in the stairwell? In the upstairs stairwell.
It was that black stair up to Mitzi's office between the belly room, black stairs to that stair. They're all black.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.
And I ate a woman's vagina. You made her sit down, lay down on the stairs? In the middle of the stairs.
I spread them open like this and I... Were you on the top of the stairs or the bottom of the stairs? I go top.
I go down. Yeah.
So the blood, because the blood flows, you know what I mean? Better from... Okay, anyway.
She slides down her head backwards while you're eating her. Good for you.
And then in the green room of the belly room, I've gotten maybe two blowjobs. Maybe two.
Two completion? No. Never completed.
I can't because there's always people there. Can you complete? There's a show going on.
Wait a minute. You would close the door, get a Hummer, and then not come in and be like, oh, let's go hang out.
Someone's coming. You know.
Someone's coming. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
All right, Juice. Well, we're not going to call you Juice anymore because I guess you've made it sexual.
So what do you want us to call you um jet ski but you guys another nickname could emerge but jet ski is what you brought that was already your name this is why i never speak my mind maybe because you have bono glasses maybe something about bono like yeah it doesn't have to happen right now no it's gonna happen right now okay it doesn't it's gonna happen. I see those socks that you're wearing.
That's very cool. Do you know what that is, Bobby? Yeah.
What's the painting called? Oh, that's from... It's a Van Gogh painting.
No, that's not Van Gogh. It's the Screaming Man.
Cut it off. The Screaming.
The Screaming. The Scream.
The Scream. Yeah, that's it.
Okay, that's the Scream. Yeah, yeah, the scream.
Those are pretty tight. The scream.
My sister got me these. Your sister's cool.
That's very cool. You know what you remind me of? I told her, what did I say last night? Diane Keaton.
She reminds me of her personality, Diane Keaton in Annie Hall. I think you said that on this show before.
Did I? Didn't he say something like that? She has that kind, kind of like, um, yeah, you did. It's like a quirkiness about her.
You kind of, you kind of do have that. Yeah.
Yeah. I like that movie.
I'm sure my personality was inspired. Dude, I love her.
For sure. I just love that movie.
Yeah. You know what I mean? You killed it last night.
I had a good set. So in the middle of my set, there was like a little of a bump.
Yeah, you did stop for some reason. Cause I reason because i you know what i thought huh it's always this i think andrew did better than me oh shut up no really i did because there was a level of laugh i'm like that wasn't that nobody cares yeah and then afterwards last night two things happened number one a guy came out to me bad friends fan okay and he goes i just have to admit i think andrew's funnier a funnier stand-up shut the fuck right to my face and then another thing happened okay a drunk guy goes hey i used to watch you on mad tv i just never thought you were funny no yeah and you walked bobby no way so two things you tell me if i'm working i'll kick him out i know thank you and then three no one came up to me and got when i'm single and you're single so that was a pretty bad night for me but let me tell you something i'm gonna change that and i'm saying it now to the fans if you come to a show i'm gonna keep pushing this agenda if you're coming to the show on on i don't need anyone's help i got it i don't know yeah first of all i'm not gonna date in a year i'm gonna wait a year right you could hook up with someone before you know i don't want to hook up a year you're gonna touch anyone for you no no i would i need alone time are you gonna figure out who i am again are you gonna be open for all kinds of people what do you mean this i feel like this is a trap no yeah no i'm saying are you open for all kinds of people all genders ask me some questions maybe are you are you cool with dating all kinds of genders and and sexual orientations Okay if they have a penis and a vagina maybe Yeah if they have to have both

Like a complex with dating all kinds of genders and sexual orientations?

Okay, if they have a penis and a vagina, maybe.

Yeah, they have to have both. Like a combination vibe.

You don't want just a penis?

No.

I mean, like I've said,

if there was a vagina and there was a penis off the side,

I might do a couple of sucks.

What if they had a penis?

You would.

Just out of like...

What if they had a penis,

but their butthole looked like a vagina?

Oh, that's interesting.

But they'd still poo out of the butthole?

That's right.

See you next time. You would.
Just out of like... What if they had a penis but their butthole looked like a vagina? Oh, that's interesting.
Right. But they'd still poo out of the butthole? That's right.
Same thing out of a vagina. The flavor's different though.
We mean vaginas poo too, don't we? Unless someone has Crohn's disease. You know what I mean? But let me tell you something.
Carlos thinks you're going through stages of grief accepting the unacceptable. Oh, you think I am? You think I grief it can look like avoidance procrastination forgetting easily distracted my behavior i'm all those well then you've yeah this has been your whole life no but more so now though that's just step one then there's anger okay there's anger he's on two yeah i've been sitting on two for years frustration cynicism sarcasm irritability holy fuck i've been barred increased alcohol or drug use is like my this is like my pro should be my dating profile bargaining i the bargaining i don't do yeah you do what's the bargaining well look at the second one look at carlos is highlighting ruminating on the future of the past oh yeah i just did that look at the second one look at the second one overthinking and worrying yeah that's me bing third one comparing self to others you just did it i just did it thinking saying i should have or if only you, or if only.
You don't know if you do that too much. I do.
Judgment towards self and others, big time. Big time.
Perfectionism. I'm a bargainer, huh? On video games.
Oh, that's right? Yeah. Depression.
You don't have depression. You don't think so? I don't think so.
No. I get bombed.
Yeah, you do. I have clinical depression.
I don't think you have depression, but I do think you have bargaining. I do have bargaining for sure.
Yeah, yeah. When are we going to get to acceptance though, Carlos? We'll get down there soon.
A year. Mindful behaviors? Fuck.
Fuck, I don't even know what that means. Engaging with reality as it is? No way.
That's insane. That's insanity.
This is how it is right now? You'll never say that phrase. No, I'm in a different land right now.
Being present in the moment? You're not even here right now. Yeah.
You're already back at home. I'm in, I'm when I was four years old right now.
Yeah, you're. Yeah, I mean, Minnesota did.
Playing in that fucking backyard with that little Tonka truck I used to have. All right, I'm stuck in my mind on this.
I do think we're going to get you someone before a year. No.
I just want. Well, how do you feel about Jules? Is it weird? I don't really care, but I feel like you're going to find someone.
A year's a long time. Yeah.
A year's a long time. Why do you have a sweaty mustache right now? I don't know.
It's hot. I'm sweating.
It is hot. Yeah.
You have a full-blown sweaty mustache. That's bargaining.
That's bargaining. Oh, am I bargaining right now? That's bargaining.
Oh, shit. Come on, dude.
You're judging others. Do you think I do that to you?

Use that ax.

To what?

To shave your little mustache.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah. There it is.

Yeah, there it is.

Good.

You feel better?

It doesn't help.

It doesn't help.

We got to get a better ax.

Yeah.

I got an ax to grind.

I'm still stuck on this juicy thing.

I'm kind of bummed.

Well, maybe I'm wrong.

Because we didn't say it sexually.

No.

But now you're making it seem like it. Now in my head.
you a direct message to you be honest no but oh yes yes like what are they doing not dick pics well i get so many in the other box and i i can't engage with everybody someone's famous other in the other box how many requests you have right? I don't know. Whoa, dude.
Maybe we should look at them now on the show. I look at them, but I feel like I'm afraid to engage in them because then where do I stop? 30,000 followers.
Wow. What did you have before you started the show? 13.
Wow. Wow.
That's awesome. Let's keep it going.
Go to Jetski Johnson. Go ahead and follow Jetski Johnson.
And inundated follow Jetski Johnson And inundated with messages So what do you guys do? Do you respond to everybody in your other box? I know you guys have way more than me Dudes never I've never opened up a dude I only respond to dudes Are you getting some titties? You're getting some titties no. I'll just look at it and go.
Yeah. Do you screenshot it? No.
Don't lie. I don't.
Okay. Why, what? You can? I thought you could.
You can screenshot it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.
I bet you can. No, I don't want to.
You can screenshot your whole phone. Is it illegal to have a screenshot photo on Instagram? Oh, copyright infringement.
Do women have copyrights on their tits? That would be kind of, that's kind of the future, isn't it? But I'm getting a lot of like, can I fuck Kalilah? Which is so fucking terrible. Oh my God, they ask you that? Yeah, terrible.
Yeah. Wait a minute though.
Can I fuck Kalilah? But they say like, can you join? Are you involved? No. They just, like, I'm her pimp.
It's so

rude. That's kind of cool, though.
Why?

That's kind of cool being her pimp.

Yeah, yeah. I don't respond to those.

It's guys saying, can I fuck Kalilah? Yeah. Any

girls? No. Oh,

no. Have you had a girl ask for a threesome

with you guys? Oh.

I didn't even know that was a possibility.

I mean, it's a thing.

Oh, asshole.

I like, I like. Some people like that.
Yeah. I mean, it's a thing.
Oh, I saw. I like,

I like.

Some people like that.

Yeah.

There's a whole website

for that.

Yeah,

but I don't want to like,

that'd be weird

like being in a room

and a girl's eating

her closet vagina

better than I did.

Right?

Why is that weird?

Because you're a perfectionist.

I'm a perfectionist.

You're bargaining.

I'm bargaining.

Yeah,

I'll be bargaining.

I'll be like, hey, ease up on that European shit you're doing right now. Right.
You know what I mean? And that. You're bargaining.
My bargaining. Yeah, I'll be bargaining.
I'll be like,

hey, ease up on that European shit

you're doing right now.

You know what I mean?

That tongue tornado.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Twister.

I just have a fat tongue.

I can't do it that fast.

Let me see how fast

you can move your tongue.

Yeah, it's like a sloth.

Like a turtle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Looks like you're eating pudding.

Dude, if I went to New Guinea

and I ate sloth pussy,

they would be like,

oh, yeah.

They'd be, you know what I mean? They'd be, oh, yeah, yeah. But that's the only person that sloth pussy, they would be like, oh, yeah.
They'd be, you know what I mean?

They'd be, oh, yeah.

Yeah, but that's the only person that wrote.

The sloth would be like, slow down.

Slow down.

Slow down.

You know sloth bears?

I read sloth bears kill more people than any other kind of bear on earth.

No.

Have you seen what a sloth bear looks like?

No, no, no.

Look at how fucking creepy and weird these things look. These things kill the people whoa they just look like shaggy bears just like fucked up like the faces dude they look chromosomally off yeah they look like they're you know handicapped bears yeah but they they murder the most people statistically and i saw this thing on tiktok hinchcliffe was a bear that's like honestly that'd that'd be the right, right? What are you talking about? That's Tony Hinchcliffe? Yeah, yeah.
If Tony Hinchcliffe was a bear, that would be like in that area. What kind of bear would you be if you were a bear? And don't say panda, that's too easy.
Oh, well, the koala. Yeah, that's.
Yeah, exactly. Koala, baby.
Who would I be? You'd be polar. Polar, for sure.
Yeah, yeah. What would she be? Tarsier.
Tarsier. What? Those big eyes.
They're small and big eyes. You think you have big eyes? Yeah.
Yep, there she is. Tarsier.
Oh, that's you. Yeah, that's her for sure.
What about Jet Ski? What is JJ? What's the juiciest kind? Look up. What's the juiciest bear? Winnie the Pooh? There we go.
There we go. That's her.
Juicy bear. That's you.
That's you's you No do that dancing bear What is it I've seen that What is that cartoon What's that from That's definitely her Her personality Everything Huh What is it Oh I thought that was The Charmin bear Oh is that That's what you're Turning me into Yeah This is what we're Trying to sell you as. Sex sells on the show, man.
Big time.

Dude, if bears look like that,

that'd be cool.

I mean, then I would go camping more often.

I think in the gay community,

they do.

Yeah.

With the abs like that

and they drink beer.

That'd be cool.

They could talk.

Hey.

You know what I mean?

Let's hang on.

Yeah.

Hey.

And see, that's the reality of it.

That's what a bear looks like. Oh, that's a gay bear.
Juicy bear, yeah. What did you say? That's a big gay bear? No, his name is Juicy Bear.
Oh. Let's hit him up.
Let's get him on the show. He won't be mad if we sexualize him.
I'm not mad. No, I'm teasing.
I'm starting to get mad. Well, here's what we're doing.
You know what we could do with the fans? It's like, how about this? Fans email us or how do they do it? They usually email us. Email us like suggestions.
We'll have a contest. You want to have a name contest? Yeah.
Throw out some names for Jets game. Yeah, but once the name is affirmed, that's life.
We're not changing it. You have to get it tattooed.
I don't have any tattoos. Oh, this will be your first? This will be your first tattoo.
All right. Will you guys all get it too? Our name's on you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Dude, you should have bad friends on your body, man. Do you guys have any tattoos This will be your first Alright Will you guys all get it too? Our name's on you Yeah Dude you should have Bad friends on your body man Do you guys have it? Yep Yep Let me see Mine's on my butt Mine's on my asshole Let's see it I don't believe you Hey don't sexualize us Yeah We talked about Getting bad friends tats We should Okay if we got them together would you do it? You don't think you're a part of it yet?

The family?

Maybe at six episodes.

How about this?

Let's get her to 100,000 followers

and then we'll do it.

And then I'll tattoo your name.

100,000 followers?

Yeah.

You would?

That's pretty tight.

That feels so like selling out,

but I'm there for it.

She's down, dude. I think I do want to get a bad friends tattoo I do too I think we should would you get one can I just get a knife instead of bad friends oh cool thanks for being a part of it it's been three years of this fucking shit bad friends is so cringe okay just hear me out she's gonna learn I'll tell you why she said I'm fucking cringe can I tell you why is it because we're old are we old and lame and she's young and cool and we stink she just got a job at the school right did you not yeah working at the library where you're working at a bookstore at the school and when you're working because you've never worked before right every day you work slowly in your heart and your mind you're gonna go oh i had it good i had it good look at that 16 bucks an hour is all you're gonna make there yeah yeah yeah i'm excited i'm just saying The bad friends title If you put it on your skin Is cringe What about BF? No What about our heads? Just that Yeah our faces Maybe That's simple Maybe That's simple I'm just like sad If I'm being honest I'm so sad It's like making me really sad.
How about this symbol? This is cool. The new one from the hat.
That Bad Friend's dripping. That looks cool.
I'll put it on my foot. Okay, whatever.
You know what we should do, though? This? Like the Dark Knight, we should have a thing that we protect. Just in the sky.
In the sky. God, we don't.
Right? So if people need us. We have to go there.
We have, yeah. We have to do comedy.
Yeah. I think in the Batman world, what would, I think who would be the guy? What's his name? Gordon.
Gordon. Who's Gordon in our group? What? Who's Gordon? If you and I are Batman.
Fancy. Who's Gordon in our group? Fancy.
Commissioner Gordon? Yeah, yeah. Who's the one that does the sign? Because he's the one that turns the sign on.
Fancy. That's probably fancy, to be honest with you.
Yeah, fancy's Gordon, right? And who is George? Is George just... Oh, George is commissioner.
George is... George is Alfred.
Yeah, George is definitely Alfred. He's Alfred.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, there's George.
Yeah, George is definitely Alfred, right? I'll get you what you need, boys. George, I want to hear you with a British accent.
Can you say... I'll get you what you need, boys.
Say, I'll get you whatever you need, gentlemen. I'll get you whatever you need, gentlemen and gentle ladies.
Okay, but just the gentleman part. I don't want the ladies part because that sounded creepy.
Absolutely. Say, I'll bring up the car immediately.
I'll bring up the car immediately. That's actually not bad.
I like it. If we got to put him in a little suit in a little suit why you want to fine tune it a little bit yeah a little bit more because it still doesn't sell sell the british a little bit higher sell it harder i'll bring up the car immediately gentlemen this is good it's okay but be more fancy with it like be more animated be like kind of like maybe you might be gay we don't know gentlemen i'll bring up the car immediately the car immediately.
Love that. I love that.
I love that. I like the gay twist.
I like that. It's a gay twist.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it has nothing to do with sexuality.
We're just saying. You have fancy effeminate.
I shouldn't say fancy. Jules would be Catwoman.
For sure. No, Poison Ivy.
Poison Ivy. Poison Ivy.
Yeah, yeah. Because she's fucking toxic as shit.
Oh, that's right. Toxic, yeah.
You're toxic. I'm not.
Yeah, no, you are. Yeah, you are.
And it's getting worse. And I called Bob and I was like, I don't know if we want Little Miss Toxic around anymore because she's just not fun.
She doesn't want to be here. She hates us.
And he was like, she doesn't hate us. And I said, yes, she does.
I don't hate you. Yes, she does.
Yeah, I think you do. I think you do.
I think you secretly hate us. And she's gripping the axe.
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It's as raw as it gets. Yeah.
Kalani's been out of town for a week. And we haven't...
Talked, done anything. Talked.
Or talked. Because you're always out and you're always grumpy around the house no no no and you know because i think this is a proof everyone knows my energy but they know they know your energy as well right and they compare the two they're not blind to it that's right the fans know yeah yeah i always say hi to you and you always say a different name when you say hi to me yeah those are terms of endearment yeah like what do i say you say hi joey yeah funny okay that's funny yeah funny you kind of do look like joey what's up joe yeah you don't like it no yeah and then sometimes i ask you like what's going on let's hang out and you laugh you go no no i just say i'm tired oh it just hurts me.
It really does hurt me. And you got to do more of an effort.
And I'm glad you're working. Because when you're working, I'm going to be giggling.
Because it's going to be like an awakening for you. Where is the store? At CSUN.
It's the library or the bookstore? Bookstore. Like the campus bookstore where you go to buy not only books but also apparel.
Can we go?

We're going every fucking day.

Can we go to buy?

I'm going every fucking day.

We can go.

We can't.

We don't have to be students to go to the store, right?

Of course not.

No.

Oh, we're going.

I'm buying books.

I'm going to buy some.

I don't have any books.

I want CSUN gear too.

Yeah.

Fine.

How many days a week are you working over there?

Maybe like three.

What are they giving you?

How much?

Do you know?

I don't know yet.

You took the job without negotiating pay?

You negotiate?

It's just-

I don't know.

It's my first job.

How did you get the job?

They just interviewed me and then-

Did you see a sign that said, now hiring, and then you went in and asked?

Yeah.

Start from zero.

What did you see?

I just saw I was looking through the bookstore and then it says hiring and I just applied

and then they called me.

Thank you. now hiring and then you went in and asked yeah start from zero what did you see i just saw i was looking through the bookstore and then it says hiring and i just applied and then they called me same day no like a week after who called what did they say let's hear it they just said hi um are you interested in like working i said yeah and then they said okay we'll give you another call for the 10 minute interview and then I waited and then they just said um how many hours can you work and I said and I just said um as long as I can work and then they said okay we'll give you four hours every day or as long as um Monday to Friday and I said, okay, that's fine.

And they said that if you can carry a 30-pound something and stand for 10 hours.

And then I said, yeah, I can stand for 10 hours.

Are they shipping dead babies around that place?

No.

If you can carry a 30-pound box, don't look inside of it.

But you're only working four hours.

Yeah.

Okay.

And then did you ask, how much does it pay no i didn't why because no one told me to ask so you don't you what if they're not gonna pay you no they said they'll pay me 16 16 and 75 cents an hour yeah they're like we're gonna get this immigrant for cheap yeah and you're not gonna be in the i think you're hauling shit I think you're gonna be in the back loading stuff yeah they go Filipino we have a bunch of boxes get in the back yeah you get in the back they don't want you out front not with that face that's fine I don't need to call don't be mean she's mean to us all the time I know she is I know you're right she's so mean to me look at your face go to the back and you know what we're gonna start making you carry shit too George get something that's heavy back there and make her fucking carry it around boulders no boxes just boulders I just want rocks moved during the show you're gonna have to start fucking carrying your weight why do I have to carry because don't get angry dude oh god give her that box of merch yeah yeah there you go start going through that and separating stuff yeah separate it from medium and large let me see you pick it up let's see you carry it carry it pick it up let's see can you carry it yeah wait wait yeah yeah you can take the headphones off oh wait yeah yeah yeah let's see if she can do it let's see if you can do it because this is how many pounds George do you think this is 15 maybe 30 is this about 30 yeah rice alright keep it on your head keep it on your head yeah alright for the rest rest of the episode so anyway put it down put it down put it down i'm we're i'm happy that you finally got a job jules we love we love that i'm glad that you've got some responsibility in the world okay so i was you saying they pay you less at the store i think i make less at the store you how do you make don't they make you guys minimum wage? Maybe I just work less hours.

What?

No, you work... You're always there.

Yeah, you're there.

I think I've never not seen you there now.

I know.

You make more.

You know what Jetski said?

She goes, uh...

I'm not making that much an hour.

You're not making 20 an hour?

No.

We should sue them.

We should sue them.

No.

Let's sue the comedy store.

People who say...

It's so funny when comics who work there are like,

we should make more money there. It's like, why are you here? You're not here.
Right, yeah, yeah. You're not there for the them.
No. Let's sue the comedy store.
People who say, it's so funny when comics who work there are like, we should make more money there. It's like, why are you here? You're not here.
You're not there for the money. No.
No, you're too smart for that. Let me ask you this because I know back in the day, in my time, when I was a doorman, we had scams going.
You guys got scams, don't you? You guys have scams going? I got the key and I threw it right back. Open it up.
I thought you were telling me what they are, but are there? I wouldn't call them scams. I'll tell you what.
Yesterday I was working. She's so good.
No, this is real. I was working.
We call them tips now. Okay? We get tips and someone came up.
I was working the OR cover last night and so we go, are you jet skiing? Yeah. I love you on Bad Friends.
Fuck yeah. Takes out a 20, puts it in the tip bucket.
Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You bucket out that says Jet Ski on Bad Friends. You have to split the fucking 20 with other people? I don't know if I have to, but I did.
She's a good soul. Wow.
She's a good soul. Get your own bucket.
No, we split it. You do? Yeah, yeah.
No, they have to, man. Oh, they do? Because otherwise, then, you know what used to happen? Because I know.
I'm not snitching, because they all got in trouble. You remember when everyone got in trouble.
People were pocketing money. And then war started to break out because people were like, you're keeping money and you're not putting it in the pool.
This is the same at a restaurant. If you work at a restaurant and you pool tips, some people don't put in.
Then it causes all this fight and turmoil. And then they have to change the system.
I don't think it's a pool tips. Well, you have to tip people out, though.
Some doormen are just better than others Okay Alright and so whoever gets You can't just Because I know a couple of chinless fuckers That you have I have friends over there They don't do as good of a job And I don't want to name names But they have no chins man Literally don't Bobby hit me up and goes Who's your friend with no chin at the store? don't know who you're talking about so you think no no tipping no fucking pooling tips no I got a gripe real fast to put out I'm not gonna call out the place I don't care I don't fucking like it when they include the tip already on the check so like it was pre-inc-included for 18 i'll tell you there are multiple reasons okay one it gives the server no incentive to give you a better experience whatsoever they don't fucking care they're going to get their money no matter what that's bullshit two 18 is automatically included and then there was a note that said below, we do this for the health and well-being of our staff

and our workers

to provide a better living wage

for blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

Why is it on me, motherfucker?

It should be on your company

to pay people better then.

Don't just automatically

take my fucking money.

That's bullshit.

If you wanted to fucking provide

a better life for them,

you should pay them more.

And then on top of it,

the biggest blunder is

you automatically charge 18.

Well, then I'm done. I'm going to do the Apple the apple pay and walk away when i was gonna give that person 20 25 i've tipped 30 percent you've took nothing probably too as well huh you probably i've literally never once fucked someone over on a tip because i worked in restaurants but my point is you're fucking them out of two more percent why would you do that i was gonna give them the extra two two that's what you say huh nothing i've never fucked someone out of a tip that's fine i've always over tipped um you could leave more no but i don't because because i think the system is i like that i like that fuck that what do you think they should just raise the prices on all their food no the place was already a fucking ripoff that's what's even more gross all this says to me is the people that own it and run it way more fucking money.
I see. And they're like, oh, we want to help the workers have a better wage.
You don't have to agree. Juice, you don't have to agree.
Bullshit. You don't have to agree.
I think including Tip is bullshit. There are times where you can say, no, I don't agree.
Oh, yeah, like when I said I'm not sure about the name Juicy. We all saw how that went.
I don't think Tip should be fucking included. You think tips should be included? It's their loss though.
Let me, can I just make. That's my point is I was going to give you 20.
Now you got 18. Can I make an argument though, right? Go ahead.
To me, it's I always pick 25%, right? Yeah. But when I see the 18% thing, right? I go, all right, well, I'm just going to give you that then.
That's my point. So I'm saying don't do that do that it's their loss what the fuck does that have anything to do with you bro I don't like someone automatically charging my car they charge your car but if you're already tipping up well above 18% anyway I'm saying you're an idiot you guys were gonna get more money you're fucking your own people right but it's not we're saying the same thing I'm annoyed what are you angry about though that's the thing it's coming from anger because you should it's actually and you know what it's technically illegal.
That part. We're saying the same thing.
I'm annoyed. What are you angry about, though? That's the thing.
It's coming from anger.

Because you should.

And you know what?

It's technically illegal.

That's the point.

Oh, why are white people so entitled?

No, no, because you could go.

Fucking crazy.

You could go, hey, I want the manager to take this off.

And they would.

And then what I should have done is said, take this off.

I don't agree with this principle. And then I would have given her 25% instead.

And the reason why that's there, dude, is because sometimes they get Europeans. Time out.
I talked... Can I finish? I know what you're going to say.
That's what white people do. They fucking cut off.
Don't do a race thing. I'm not doing a race thing.
I know you said a lot of voters come here and they don't think they have to tip. Yeah, they do.
It's 2022. Everybody from Europe knows you tip over here.
I just ran into fucking people from... If you have enough money to come to the United States on an airplane, I just ran into people from Australia.
You know gotta tip and they're like mate this tipping thing's crazy right and I go I know but they're like we don't even know how to deal it mate fucking bullshit who are these pikeys no how do they afford to get to the United States you liar don't call my friends pikeys now listen now listen okay everybody knows it's just something that you're angry about when you came here from the Philippines you know that Americans tip no thank you it's a fact it is true it is true no it's bullshit yeah yeah but by the way you're right i look i did tipper like the 18 was yeah you had to well no no and then i left a 10 bill on top of it to supplement the the percentage that was missing but i was like don't do that that's fucking annoying let me give this person a gift on my own i don't need you to like and the other argument would be oh well what about people that like go in and they under tip or they don't tip at all first of all at a place that that there's this nice doesn't happen this isn't chili's i used to work at this isn't fucking outback i used to work this was a high-end restaurant i used to work at the brockton villa okay bring it up right it's a fucking Jolla. Yeah.
Okay. And I was one of the first original night servers.
They were only a breakfast place. Right.
I worked at the Brockton Villa. Well, that's your problem now.
It's beautiful. Breakfast place that has night service? It's right on the cove.
Right. Beautiful.
It's beautiful. Look at the ocean.
Okay. You were a night server.
And day server. I did the morning.
Right. So one morning I was there.
I was slammed. I had table.
I had the front patio. Right.
Which is right which is like the most section two dude that's the most fucking hardcore sex i have a i have a shore family um story about the brockton villa i don't know if i should talk about yeah you should but i'm gonna get in trouble we hung up our paulie stuff i love paul also paulie's coming on this show in a couple of weeks we're having on. That's why I'll save this story for when he's here.

But my point is that I had a table.

It was, I don't want to name the race of two people.

It has nothing to do with anything.

Oh, it doesn't?

No.

Why did you mention it? Yeah, why would you bring it up there?

Why would you mention it then?

Because it wasn't white people.

That's all I have to say.

It wasn't a white person.

It was a table of 10, right?

And I remember being slammed.

Yeah.

Slammed. Crushed.
What do you mean? Crushed, slammed. Overwhelmed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Overwhelmed.
With mostly whites? No. It was a mix.
Yeah, yeah. Huh.
Okay. What is your attitude right now? No, why were you mentioning? You mentioned the race.
I'm just digging to find out what race they were because you were the one that was so adamant about... What were they? At the time, in this specific story,

they were Persians.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm just curious.

You brought it up.

And the bill was like $400.

Bro.

Right?

Bro.

How $400?

Right?

How?

Tell me how $400.

Yeah.

And I... They left me a penny.

One cent. A physical penny? Yes.
Or written on the bill? They put a penny in the black thing. Pretty tight.
Right? Very funny. And they said the service was terrible.
Was it? I was slammed. I know, but was it? I don't know.
That's the eye of the beholder. Eye of the beholder.
That's the restaurant we should have gone to. Eye of the beholder in Glendale.
So wait a minute. They left you one physical penny.
Yeah. And I remember going, that's why I tip so extravagantly because even if the service is terrible, it's just a terrible feeling.
I always tip. I always tip right.
I never will fuck people over because I worked in a restaurant. But I'm just saying i guess that what we're both saying is that the reason that they do this on bills is because of persian people yeah yeah so persian people it's all your fault tipping in cafe restaurants cafes in iran is mostly not done or expected see that's what i'm saying so in iran they don't yeah so what i'm saying is that's why i wish at that time my restaurant had an 18% fucking thing in the fucking thing.
But you were a bad server. I was slammed in.
I don't think I was that bad. I was being funny.
I'm a person. You just put down some food.
All right. Yeah.
Here you go. You're slammed, right? Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, this food is late and cold.
I push pancake. It's cold.
I push it too, bud. I don't know.
Now your fingers are on pancake. Why would your fingers be pancake? I was doing a comedy bit.
No, give me a new pancake. I'll get a new one, all right? Will this one take 45 minutes? Yeah.
Well, watch. I'll take the two and I'll put it in front of my eyes.
Look, I'm googly. I don't know.
I want to talk to your manager. I don't know what to do.
And you walk away and they're like, we're definitely going to leave that Chinese guy a penny.

Yeah.

That was you?

That's what you did?

You pancake fakes?

Yeah, I think my problem is

is that whenever I,

and they complain about it all the time,

my thumb was always in the food.

Oh my God.

Your thumbs too?

No, because when I'm carrying it, right,

that's...

Show your thumbs to the camera.

Look at those things.

If we can zoom,

punch in on that. Don't punch in my thumbs.
No, please. I'm just self-conscious punch in my thumb no please well that's why it would be in the fucking plate right and i would and then they'd be like yeah why is your thumbs in my scrambled eggs yuck you know i mean 100% yuck okay well i got fucked all the time by the way you want to talk about getting fucked on tips i got fucked constantly in college i worked at a wing place we had we had 10 cent wings.
How many fucking tips do you think I got?

Oh, nothing.

10 cents.

Terrible.

I want one barbecue

and one honey mustard.

Two wings?

Yeah.

I'm not kidding.

And I go,

sir,

we have a minimum of

a half a dozen.

A minimum of six.

So 60 cents minimum.

And you have to buy a drink.

A lemonade

if you don't want a cocktail.

And they go,

I don't want it. Let me talk to your manager.
Bring them over. They would literally, I would got change Thursday, whatever it was, Wednesday nights I'd have change.
Yeah, I know. I'd walk home.
I'd have $3 in fucking nickels in my pocket. I know comics that did comedy way early so they never had a day job and their attitudes are like just whack.
What do you mean? They're mean? They don't know what it's like to work. Oh, to have a shitty job.
It's like you and I, I didn't make it until my 30s. We still haven't made it, really.
I know, exactly. We're still kind of going through it.
We're still kind of struggling up there, you know what I mean? But my point is that... Still kind of drudging through it.
Yeah. I'm so glad I had those experiences because there was years and years of how am I fucking am i fucking gonna pay rent because she said to me something i don't know if i can say that well no it wasn't that private but you said you were like i just i feel like i'm about to get out of whatever situation i'm in and you're like i feel like i'm about to get to a new level yeah both professionally and personally and i thought that was a good that made me feel good in my heart because i was like i really hope you do because i know you work super fucking hard and you're very funny and i could tell her her self-deprecation was on a high when we walked by her and she's pulling out a trash can out of the main room and and i and she and i was like hey and she goes hi she goes really knocked me right back down to earth and dragging a trash can through the hallway.
And I was like, you're not going to be doing that for long. I hope not.
No, you're not. Do you have a commercial agent? Uh-uh.
Why? I'm going to skip that step and go straight to movie. Hell yeah, bitch.
Do you not want to do it? No, I just don't right now. All these things are coming into my life so fast right now, and I'm just trying to enjoy it.
Call me tomorrow. I'll get you one.
You should go offer one. I know the guy.
I will call you. I have a big day tomorrow.
I'm going to the gynecologist. Then I have active...
Can we send a camera crew to go with her for some, thank you. Then I'm going to active shooter training at the store.

And then I'm hosting potluck.

Wait a minute.

There's active shooter training?

What does that mean?

Active shooter.

Someone comes in with a gun.

Oh my God.

They're having that there?

Yeah.

So you should feel safe.

No.

No.

We're all getting trained with guns tomorrow.

Yeah, but you guys don't have,

you guys,

none of you are going to have a gun.

I'm pretty sure that's what active shooter training is.

You guys won't carry guns on the night of shows. think they're going to give us all guns okay tight that's a good idea yeah let's give a bunch of yeah because yeah all the dormant are like bitter resentful fucking comics yeah how funny renee is parking the car oh my god And he's backing in and just goes off in his pocket.
Yeah, yeah. Raycon, the greatest earbuds of all time.
Of all time. You know what really sucks, Bob? The goat.
Getting on the treadmill and you're pushing to finish that last rep. Your earbuds fall out of your ears.
Well, yeah, that's bad in the first place. Yeah.
Okay, let's say you're on an elliptical because you like those. It's better on your knees and your back.
That's great. And your earbud falls out and bounces, and it's gone.

Raycon doesn't do that, all right?

Stays in your ear holes.

But not only that, let's say you're hiking with Raycon, right?

They look so sexy.

Sexy.

Right?

Someone's going to go.

And also, the sound quality is better than everything else.

Well, let me say this.

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Okay. Active shooter employee training awareness.
By the way, there's a new thing going around. There's kindergarten teachers that are all over the internet that are strapped up now.
Look up kindergarten teachers with guns. It's like a new thing.
It's scary, but you got to do it. So look at this.
Trained, armed, and ready to teach kindergarten. More school employees are carrying guns to defend against school shootings in ohio a contentious new law requires no more than 24 hours of training so one day you get to carry a gun around the kids nap time lay down yeah but lay down i don't want get the fucking crayon out of your mouth yeah Bryson get it out of your mouth who stole the cookie from the cookie yeah I have to go to the bathroom where where do you have to go to the bathroom number one or number two which one both I just did it in my pants you did it now good it's done alright let's sing a fucking song yeah this is my is my gun.
Happy birthday.

That's the wrong song.

That's fucking nuts.

Kindergarten teachers with guns.

Meanwhile,

like,

I feel like Rudy

had that in the Philippines.

During Uvalde,

during Uvalde,

all the cops had guns

and they didn't go

into the room.

In Uvalde,

whatever it was.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

There was like 40,

50 cops just going.

There was a guy

on his phone playing Candy Crush. He was just like, we'll be in there in one minute, guys.
He's like 40, 50 cops. Just go.
There was a guy on his phone playing candy crush.

He was just like,

we'll be in there in one minute guys.

He's like,

I got to beat this fucking level.

Yeah.

Do you see that guy on his fucking phone?

He was literally on his phone chilling.

There was another guy laughing.

Just fucking around.

No,

there was this guy.

There was a,

I don't know what this shot is,

but he was going.

What?

Yeah.

What?

Yeah.

In mid laugh.

He's probably listening to bad friends. That's right's right that's the only excuse holy fuck he's smiling that guy what could be funny what could be funny in that hallway what would not honestly okay so there's a school shooter if one of us if you and our cops right but if he did have our podcast in his ear but that look at that you and i are cops yeah and we're in the school all right so you hear you're hearing kids crying this is bad gunshot it's bad this is awful right yeah so what would make us laugh yo i would i mean if we're saying would you laugh yeah we're like all right boys we have to flank in the side door you have to move in slowly bob i want you to stay down we'd lose it we'd start shooting each other laughing terrible yeah it's fucking awful that's awful yeah it's disgusting it's disgusting can i still can i tell you about a story that i just read yeah of course so i listened to sword and scale and i listened to this last night it just blew my mind listen to what sword and scale it's another podcast sword and scale sword and scale okay let's blank it out i don't want anybody we're not promoting okay anyway so um do you know whoever got named michael hahn michael hahn yeah i think that's his name is he a murderer is this another one of your crazy murderers who is michael hahn bud maybe that's i got the wrong name so many whites i think i got the wrong name oh you know what i looked up look up while he's looking that up look this up look up um names names and color you know synesthesia when like words are color there's a website you type in your name to see what colors your name is you know what synesthesia is synesthetic people that can see color and like taste sound and shit yeah i've done acid matthew hann matthew hann matthew hann look at this though at this though go to that synesthesia

look at that

type in one of our names

to see what they

what colors we are

there's like a

there's like a generator

alright let's type in

let's type in Juicy

don't type in Juicy

cause she's not Juicy anymore

who are you now

just Jessie

Jetski

Jetski

type in Jetski

whoa that's nice colors

nice colors

really

little purple yellow

how about mine

Bobby

Bobby

Yeah, those are... Jetski.
Type in Jetski. Whoa, that's nice colors.
Nice colors. Really? A little purple, yellow.
How about mine? Bobby. Those are my fucking colors.
All dark. And one little gray line.
One yellow. I'm blue if I want to eat, I want to die.
It kind of looks like a minion turned up on the other side. Yeah.
Ooh, Andrew. Whoa, I'm like the gay pride flag.
I'm like the LGBTQ plus flag. Kind lgbtq plus flag kind of the belgium flag colors a little bit yeah a little bit on the right how about rudy well do juliana do her real name oh portugal portugal on the right yeah portugal on the right and on the left it's that's like the nazi party isn't it no no what's on the left it's like I think that's the neo-nazis yeah

purple black and white

isn't that neo-nazi flag

I don't know

neo-nazi flag

by the way this is great

I love that this is his computer

yeah that's it

yeah

that looks exactly like

yeah that's Rudy's name

aren't those the comedy star colors

yeah they are

they are

alright can I tell you about

Matthew Hahn now

Matthew Hahn

can I tell you about Matthew Hahn

I love you Juice

ah sorry not Juice

Matthew Hahn

damn it

Thank you. Yeah, they are.
They are. All right, can I tell you about Matthew Hahn now? Matthew Hahn, can I tell you about Matthew Hahn?

I love you, Juice.

Ah, sorry, not Juice.

Matthew Hahn.

Damn it.

Do you get him?

Yeah.

The burglar.

The burglar.

All right, so check it out.

So this is what happened.

So you know how we have the three strikes rule in California?

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah. So this dude had two strikes already as a burglar.
He'd been in prison for a long time. What's the three strike rule? Three burglars? I think if it's three felonies, you get a long time.
You get like 50, 40. California's three strike sentence law was enacted in 94.
The essence of three strikes law was required to defend and convicted of any new felony having suffered one prior of a serious felony to be sentenced to state prison for twice the term otherwise provided by the crime. Holy fuck.
So if you fuck up three times, you're fucked. So he had two strikes, dude, and check it out.
So one night, he's pretty good. You know, a couple years, he started doing math, this and that.
Oh, good boy. But then, like, his friend killed himself, so he's like, he goes back into meth addiction, and now he has to steal more, right? And he already has two strikes.
So he cases his house. cases this house check it out this is crazy it's crazy cases his house because he heard that there was like a three-wheeler that he wanted to steal there yeah i love three yeah he couldn't find it right and it's like three in the morning and he's walking and he sees like a bungalow in front of a house and the doors open and through the and the lights it, right? There's no one in there though

and he sees a safe,

like a little safe.

So he just runs in there,

grabs a safe,

gets in his car with his body

and they just drive off.

Early in the morning,

he opens the fucking safe

and there's six soiled diapers in there.

In the safe.

Imagine breaking up.

I'm going to get McMillions. There's six soiled diapers.
I can't tell you how many times I've done this. Right? Six soiled diapers, right? And then a packet of fresh diapers, like a little packet like that.
A gun. And then some sort of like internet.
What do you call that? A memory card. A USB stick, right? I already know where this goes.
What? The guy was into kid stuff or something. Right, so he puts it in there, right? And it's him, this guy with a three-year-old girl.
Oh, no. I thought it was a prank the whole time.
Listen to what his predicament was now, right? He's like, do I turn this guy in? Yes. Or do I go to, that that's three strikes turn him in oh turn him in oh no oh well let's let's make up our own version are you gonna tell me more or no well that is it does he do it well you even want to know what he does well yeah i'm not he does it obviously he turns him in he does and then he gets massive like 50 year sentence what well that's not fair but yeah no but then what Oh, by the way, you just stole a safe.
See, that's a slap on the wrist. Like, big deal.
Yeah, but it's a third strike. But the prosecutor knew about his story.
Uh-huh. And so the prosecutor went to newspapers to do articles about the guy.
Yeah. And then there was pressure, and then he got like seven years.
Good. Yeah, yeah.
That's great. Yeah, yeah.
By the way, this is the better twist. So what do what do you do if i'm him if i'm the burglar yeah and i just need i'm just thievering by the way this is the problem with that he's probably just stealing bullshit just to get more meth and as long as not hurting other people you're like dude he's just stealing shit because he's exactly exactly but if i was him yeah i'd go back and i'd kill that guy i would 100 kill the guy who's doing stuff with kids.
I'd murder that guy on sight. Yeah, but now you get life in prison.
I'd get away with it for sure. I'd plan it.
And by the way, I'd leave all the evidence out so when they do find this nasty guy's body and me riddled it up with holes, then they find out he's a perv McGurv and I'd leave the USB plugged in on a computer so they'd see what he's doing so then no one's gonna try to find the murderer they'd be like this guy fuck this guy who cares right you know what I mean yep wouldn't I get away with it yeah cuz what cop is gonna be like we gotta investigate who killed this pervert nobody fucking cares they wouldn't suspect you anyway cuz before that you were just a thief exactly it was just a thief I'm not a murderer you can't fuck the guy or anything after leave any DNA you just gotta kill him I don't know if i could do that what i gotta have to kiss i always i know you do i know everyone i kill i kiss if i kill him i kiss him i know you can't leave i go yeah nope can't leave any dna please don't that's so fucking gross that guy should he should have just killed that guy yeah you're right you're right i would just shot him right in the head when he opened the face and he realized what it was he was just like what the fuck do i do you know i mean he had to do something that's like an episode of barry that sounds like you ever watch do you watch barry no i heard it's good so fucking good but it's shit like that like these comparable things you're like he shouldn't kill that guy but also fuck that guy it was kind of the same way with dexter right we're like yeah you're like oh you shouldn't be a murderer but also maybe okay. Yeah.
And we know how you like justice with those 18% gratuity added.

They deserve 20 at minimum.

Everyone deserves 20 at minimum.

But the dude's now, just FYI, the dude is out.

He's sober for a long time.

He's got a beautiful girlfriend.

We should have him on the show.

Yeah, he also does podcasts.

He's really intelligent.

Let's have him on the show.

I'd love to have this guy on the show.

Matt, Matthew.

Matt Hahn. Matt Hahn.
Right. You like him.
It kind of sounds Asian. Matt Hahn.
He's white. Is he? Yeah, but he's like a cool guy.
I've been seeing interviews of them, and it was just like, it's just an insane predicament. What were his other thiever thefts? Just because he would, his thefts.
What were they? I'm saying. I don't remember what they were like, just money.
What thievery are we okay with morally and ethically in this room? Grocery store. Yeah.
Grocery store I'm okay with. Comedy store.
Comedy store. Any stores.
When it comes to big corporations, I'm like, fuck it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it. Fuck Whole Foods.
Fuck Amazon. Same thing.
Fuck anything big box chain. Fuck Costco.
Steal. Target.
Steal. Kmart.
Walmart. Steal.
Steal. Sometimes though in Target they'll get people who are selling their product to a bigger thing.
They've already sold them though. They've already sold Target.
Once you're in Target you made a big bank. Okay.
Good. Yeah.
And then it's on Target. You're a part of it now.
Yeah. Yeah.
But it's already in Target. They've already paid you.
Target suffers a loss. Okay.
Small business though. I like stealing from mom and pop stores.
No. That's my favorite.
I want a little pain. No.
That's fucked up. You can only hurt the big box.
But you know who I always wanted to rob? I'm cool with robbing a bank by the way for the record. I think bank robbing is tight.
I think it should come back. I love it.
It's just a lot can go wrong. But don't hurt anybody.
Just get the money. Good luck.
Yeah, but... Because I would have to do the grenade thing.

The grenade thing?

Like, hold this grenade and don't let it go. Oh, you pull the pin and hold the thing? Yeah, yeah, hold.
Everyone give it. I would give that to you.
If I saw you in the bank, I'd immediately be like, watch this. I'd be like, hold this.
And I would just give it back to you, no? And I'd be like, ha. two dipshits died while robbing a bank but i would do the grenade thing what else would you do

grenade thing's good no it's really good yeah yeah don't let this go don't let this go yeah otherwise everyone in here goes but i if i rode rob bank i'd walk in with a real baby a real baby not that's a good one someone else's baby yeah and the higher state don't move or the baby gets it. Oh, I'm a kindergarten teacher.
I'm off my ship.

I'm on my nap time.

Don't move or the baby gets it I'm a kindergarten teacher I'm off my ship I'm on my nap time don't move I'd bring in a baby and I'd go do you want this baby to live but it's not my baby value is that what it is I don't know do you think I'm just asking I don't think white babies are the most expensive anymore what What do you think the most expensive white baby is? Any non-white. Any non-white babies.
Because the culture has changed. Culture has changed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Times have changed.
It's a different time. Black baby then.
Black baby. A cute black baby.
Black baby. Yeah, yeah.
I think a mixed baby and you don't know what it is. Yeah.
A couple of Asian babies. A couple of Asian babies.
And that thing is worth as much money as you, I mean. Yeah.
There's an Instagram for mixed race babies. Yeah.
Mixed race babies Instagram. Yeah.
That's wild. How many followers? More than all of us? No, 243 is really good.
Look at that girl right there. I mean, that's what I'm saying.
We bring that girl. Nobody knows what she is.
That girl? People are like, oh, here's my money. Here's my money.
Take my money. Look at how good looking this mixed race baby is.

Oh, this one?

Oh, my.

Yeah.

Look at how good looking this mixed race baby.

Do you want this mixed race baby to live?

Are you woke?

Are you woke?

Are you woke like I'm woke?

Right?

Oh, that one?

Oh, fuck.

They won't even know they're being robbed.

They'll just be giving you money.

Just throwing money.

The bank will just be like, oh, my God.

Open the vault.

Look at how cute that fucking kid is.

What about a baby with Down syndrome?

We'll be right back.

Yeah, that's a pretty good.

So I would bring grenades.

You and I are robbing a bank.

I brought in a baby.

I'm bringing the grenades.

Right.

What else?

You guys are.

Yeah, you guys are the getaway drivers.

Yeah.

What kind of car did you get?

I got a Toyota Prius.

Yeah, we do want to save the environment.

Yeah, environment.

While we're robbing banks.

You know, if we told her to get a fucking car,

I don't know. What card did you get? I got a Toyota Prius.
Yeah, we do want to save the environment. Yeah, environment.
While we're robbing banks. You know, if we told her to get a fucking car and she got a Prius, we would be angry.
Non-tinted windows, too. It's just like bright.
Everyone can see us sitting in a nice Prius and a stoplight. And the color is like light green.
Like a light green Prius. Super trackable.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all they had at Enterprise.
You wrecked it? Yeah. Did you use your old name? You wouldn't let me use your Audi.
We can't let her use the Audi. So that's what she rented, that thing.
So we show up to rob a bank. What bank are we robbing? Can we have a consensus on what bank? What bank do we want to rob the most? Is it Wells Fargo? Bank of America.
Bank of America. Bank of America, yeah.
Because I feel like they, Wells Fargo has done some shady shit though. Which bank has the most controversies? Like, Wells Fargo, didn't they get in trouble for like selling off your fucking information and all that stuff? No, they took money from large accounts.
Oh, we're, okay, Wells Fargo, we're stealing from them. Okay, Wells Fargo, we do a Wells Fargo.
So we're gonna rob a Wells Fargo. What part of town though? That matters.
What do you mean? It's gotta be, like,'s gotta be a really nice Wells Fargo? No, no, no.

I think it's gotta be in a city

where there's a lot of traffic.

A lot of traffic.

Oh, no, I don't,

well, no, I don't want,

a lot of traffic,

a lot of people,

a lot of witnesses, no.

No, I have smoke bombs.

Oh, you got smoke bombs?

I had no idea that you had smoke bombs.

Yeah, and I won't mix.

What color is the smoke?

What color smoke?

I won't mix my grenades

with the smoke bombs.

I'll have them numbered.

Can you imagine you get them confused and you're like, hold the screen. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying.
What color is the smoke? What color is the smoke? I won't mix my grenades with the smoke bombs. I'll have them numbered.
Can you imagine you get them confused and you're like, hold the screen. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying.
What color is your smoke? Say it's yellow. Yeah, it'll be yellow.
Me and you have red and yellow fucking smoke going up. Yeah, yeah.
That's like our wet bandits moniker. We always leave red and yellow smoke.
Red and yellow smoke, right? Yeah. So we're thinking, you're really, right? We were at the scene, baby.
And then Rudy, what is she doing to help? I'll be a sniper. Okay're not gonna kill anybody We don't want anybody But like Those police That are chasing you So you're gonna shoot cops Yeah You're a cop killer Through the smoke Yeah You're a cop killer Yeah Okay Maybe it could be like A marshmallow gun Or something Just to slow them down Alright Like rubber Rubber bullets.
Rubber bullets. Okay.
God, she was so quick to be cool with killing a cop. Yeah, yeah.
She didn't even think about it, dude. Yeah.
She was like, fuck 12. I'll kill the cop.
All right, so we... Now, let me ask you something.
Would you give a note or would you just do it verbally? I love the note. I love a good note.
Yeah, but you... Okay, so in line...
But I have bad handwriting. That's the problem.
Me too. Like, that would be me.
We, the people, are fed up. Yeah.
We out here. I mean, me, that would be my handwriting.
And I'd give it to the teller and they'd be like, put the bink in the zag? Yeah. I'm like, fuck.
You know what I'm saying. Yeah.
And I would probably do the yes and no boxes. Oh, can I rob you? Yeah, can I rob you? Yes you Yes or no Right And then after they filled it out Can I have it back please And I have to read it back Yes No You know what I would hand somebody I'd hand them a magic eye So they have to like Cross their eyes To see it says We're robbing you Yeah yeah That's a pretty good one Right so we do it And then we hand them a bag Yeah well what kind of bag I don't know how to do this I've never done this before Did we say that to them We've never done this before We're just handing you Do we hand you the bag Or do you hand us a bag Yeah yeah What bag do we bring in I gotta get a duffel bag What kind You want a nice brand You want a fancy one Yeah Gucci You want a Gucci duffel bag A Robobank A Doce Gabbana A Doce Gabbana Yeah big bag Can? Bag friends.
Love it. Ooh, Gucci and Adidas combo.
That's dope, dude. That's sick.
That's the bag. Okay, so our bag is- Fill these up with cash.
Fill these with cash. Our bag is worth four grand, and they only fill it up with like two and a half grand.
That's true. And we're like, Yeah, we go shitty.
Shitty bag. You're right.
Shitty bag. A $10 bag.
Let's say we just get Trader Joe's bags. Trader Joe's bag.
Fill these up. Fill these up now.
And you're like, sir, we only have so many dollars here. The rest is in the vault and we don't have the access code.
What do we do? You say, do you guys do Venmo? Can you? Oh, that's smart. Do you guys have PayPal? Can you imagine them scanning my phone trying to get the code, but it's like it's not working? Yeah.
I just, I can't. And then as they go to go to pay me they're like what are your last four digits of your phone number because it's not going through and i'm like i don't want to give that to you because then you're gonna know can i have i have a fantasy sometimes okay when i go to bed of robbing a bank but i spent 30 years digging underground to go up underneath the bank underneath a bank right and then because i don't feel like it's metal i think it's just the floor the floor i'm sure the vault is steel yeah that's the walls but in the bottom i don't think it's no i'm sure they do steel yeah i mean that's why i haven't tried it because i want to i don't want to get to the i don't want to get to it yeah it's metal that's the reason you haven't tried it yeah yeah but i in my mind.
Bobby Lee spends 30 years digging under a bank only to realize

it is, of course, steel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's you, El Chapo's tunnel.

Yeah, so I feel like

if I dig up there,

it's concrete.

Let's just say that it is concrete.

Yeah.

And you can bust right through.

Then I dig a hole, right?

And I wait for like Labor Day weekend

when they're not open.

Right, holiday.

Are they open?

Bank holiday.

Yeah, bank holiday.

Right.

And I go in there

and I steal everything in the vault. All the money then Here's my other fantasy Right On the bottom of it In the tunnels All around the tunnels Yeah I'll put mines So it explodes No so no one So I'll dig 30 years To get to the fucking thing Take the money Take the money out money out, right? And I'll have carts and stuff, right? And I'll put mines down.
Why? Because when the cops see it, right, it'll just take them longer, right? They'll go, oh, this whole tunnel's mine, so we have to be very careful because we don't know where to leave because my tunnel's also going to go zigzaggy. Oh, you want to make it real complicated.
Right, so then when they look this way, does it go right or left. They don't know where the beginning point is.
Imagine you getting lost in one of your own tunnels when you're escaping with money. Fuck! You just can't get out.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You die in there.
You spent 30 years digging it. But I would dig elaborate tunnels.
That die pack money, though. That's what happens.
It explodes. What are you going to do about the die packs? What's that? So they put these die packs on money when the banks get robbed.
But they put in it like when you do a robbery and they use your bag for the money it goes they have dye packs and they explode and it fucks up the money kind of like have you ever seen those tags at really nice high-end um clothing stores that like they beep or they have like a there's like you can hear them ticking they're like little electromagnetic tags you've never seen this or heard this no i really like where do you show well sometimes like high-end clothing stores you can hear the tag electronic tags they have dye in there whoa what happens is it'll explode and it ruins the garment so it's like worthless anyway they don't have dye in the pack yeah they do yes really dye in them yeah really yes yes that's insane they're these little electronic they sound like ticking bombs do you know what I'm talking about, Carlos? You can physically hear them like tick, tick, tick. You can hear them tick.
Wow. Dye pack is a radio controlled device used by banks to foil a bank robbery.
Dude, it's been around since 1965. But if I was some sort of engineer, I could create a mechanism that just puts them off in the store just for fun.
A bank note that is the discolor with security dye cannot be redeemed, right? Of course, yeah. So you would make an engineering ploy to make it so it wouldn't...
You said clothing store, right? Like Gucci has it, right? Yeah, Gucci, yeah. So I would just walk in, press it and just all their brand new shit just forget to fucking dye it.
That'd be badass. That's sick.
And go, that's for the robbers. But then Banksy would be like, I did that.
And then everything would be like $80 then everything would be 80 billion dollars that's true that's they just had by the way i just saw a sign on the highway banksy just did like a sale like a art sale here in los do banksy los angeles sale they had like a fucking gallery apparently that was going on here oh yeah look at this all sold out right like he did a closing july 31st tickets are still available oh so you can go watch shit and buy his art how fucking funny it is funny how he's like anti-corporate but he's totally fucking corporate as fuck like he wants all that shit to sell huh billionaire so much money so much money so much fucking money i feel like that's all of us like everybody hates the rich but wants to be rich. Yeah.
I don't

hate the rich. I hate people.
There's certain people.

Do you want to be rich? Yeah.

How rich do you want to be?

What would you do with the money? I want a house.

I'd like to buy my mom a house. That's tight.

That's cool. And I want to pay off my car.

Yeah. And

maybe buy some nicer clothes at these

ticking places you're talking about.

You want to go to a ticking closing place.

Yeah. The research says $75,000 a year can buy you happiness.
Will that be enough? That's fine. That's good.
Yeah. Wait, $75,000 a year? These studies have been going on for years.
They find that these studies find that statistically, typically, the happiest people are in a range of income earning. It's usually around like $70,000 to like 70 to 100 grand and then those people tend to have the uh on paper statistically happy lives like they feel the most fulfilled and they feel that they don't have they have enough where they don't have a ton but they don't have too little they feel like they're in a good pocket wow it's a global study by the way that's insane look the global study says 95 000 for95,000 for life satisfaction between $60,000 and $75,000 for emotional well-being but this is based on a lot of different factors that you can't kind of put into but some I guess they do think that that's like the optimal number.
I think I'm in the 12 to 24. Really? Really? Yeah.
Like my whole like living on my own. So what would be the number that you think would and by the the way, this is bullshit, because it's, what is this? Median listing home price was a million dollars in LA.
Yeah, it's fucking gross. This place sucks.
This place sucks. That's insane.
What's the number you think would you be happy with? Like if you made X amount of dollars a year, you'd be like, I'm good. I really don't know how to answer that because I don't, I like would want to buy a house so I guess a million.

You need a million. I need at least a million.

Yeah. So there's a million for the house.

A million for the house. Well you need two million.
Your mom needs a house. Your mom needs two million.

Pay off your car how much?

You get a brand new car. You would get a brand new car.

I like my car but

Okay so two million twenty thousand. Yeah two million

twenty thousand. A couple of nice ticking clothing

stores. Yeah how much are your clothes at your place? I don't shop in there.
You can tell by the way my wardrobe is pathetic. Yeah.
But let's just say you want another $10,000 in clothes. So I'm just asking for $2,030,000.
That's it. That's not...
Yeah. But then you're done.
Then I'm done. Then you're zeroed out.
You're okay with it? But then I'd like to give back some money too. To whom? To who? Like other comics up and coming and probably find a charity.
Oh, that's nice. You won't do that.
Yeah, like how you give me $100 in the lot. I would do that.
You're going to see me in like... I've given you $100 in the lot.
Yeah, you're going to see me in 10 years and some young kid's going to come park my car and I'm going to be like, do you like money? I've said that? Do you like money? Yeah, we talked about it on the show. Okay, can I say this though? That money that you got is from the improv.
Okay. Because the improv pays you cash.
Yeah. Right, so whenever I play the improv, I always give that cash away.
Well, if I knew that, I would have said, keep your improv money. Yeah, she hates the improv.
You hate the improv, I'm not a fan. I'm just kidding.
Rudy, how much do you want to make?

She's already making like 700,000 a year

or something right now.

At that bookstore.

Bookstore's paying a lot of money.

I just want 3 million.

A year?

Yeah.

Okay.

Jesus Christ, this little bitch.

Your mind is warped.

You're warped.

I love it.

I think I asked for too little. You did.
Yeah, you gave knives or $600 a knife? That's what you're going to buy with your money? Oh that's a set of two? Yeah. That's for one lonely guy? We wanted to know what you guys wanted to make and apparently $3 million a year is fucking...
How are you going to do that Jules? How the fuck are we going to make you $3 million a year? That's so much money. Okay, maybe 3 million

in total already.

For the rest of your life?

Yeah.

Okay, we were doing yearly.

How long are you going to live?

Forever.

35.

You're going to live till you're 35?

Yeah.

So 15 more years?

Yeah.

Oh my God, that's so sad and marvelous.

So 3 million divided by 15 years, you're going to make 200 grand a year. We could probably you there i guess there yeah we get you there you want to die at 35 kiddo because what if i get hit or something or get shot who's hitting you i don't know who's shooting you bud a school shooter they don't really go for fucking community colleges i feel like they stick to the big she's in a university CSUN? is Northwestern a community college? no Cal State Cal State oh Cal State Northridge oh they don't like Cal State they don't like Cal State school shooters don't do Cal State um I don't know what if I get eaten by a bear or something eaten by a bear yeah seems unlikely unlikely but you'll be out of school by 35 I don't know not with this fucking brain yeah bear attacks are one in two million there's no way no chance no chance shark attack more common probably for you especially because you go swimming out there where they are yeah Yeah.
One in three million. But do some math.

What about Filipino girls that go to Hawaii often?

Yeah, but that's one in three million.

That doesn't include people that don't go in the ocean.

Correct.

Right?

Just one in three million people.

The three million are people in the ocean.

No, I think that's just one.

You have one in three million chance of getting bit by a shark.

Some guy that lives in fucking Idaho, that lives in the forest, is not going to get bitten by a fucking shark. He shouldn't be a part of the equation.
Heart disease, then. Okay.
39,000 deaths in females in the Philippines in 2019. All right, so you could get heart disease.
I could see it. Your diet's bad.
Yeah. No, it's not.
Isn't it? I guess it is, yeah. Yeah, don't you eat bad shit? McDonald's.
French fries. Yeah, what the fuck? That's all, What do you mean? Do you think that's not a bad diet? She makes her own French fries.
It was terrible. Would you air fry it? Yeah, I did.
It was really soggy. It's not good.
You can't air fry French fries. I think you can.
You can't. Well, oven cook them then.
You can oven cook them, but you can't air fry them. They come soggy.
They just get too soggy. How do you make...
Google, how do you make crispy a fucking french fries in the air fryer you know it's good in a pan with oil and you fry them yeah no it's really good that's the best way to make teaching her a traditional way to make french fries she's like just put them in a pan with oil i used to make those all the time air fryer set the kitchen appliance 350 okay it says you could do it but yeah unlike a microwave reheheating fries with the air fryer Keeps them crisp

So this is saying

It does get crisp in the air fryer

You fucked up

Five

Three to five minutes

I did ten

No thirteen minutes

Thirteen minutes

I mean you overcooked it then

But they were soggy

They were soggy

Not cooked all the way through

I think your fries were cut too thick

Oh yeah

Steak fries

Okay

They were cooked

You gotta throw them out

We'll switch that up

That's fine Yeah yeah I just go to fucking McDonald's Why would you Make it at home Yeah you're not gonna Beat They're cheap You're not gonna Beat the place That's been doing it Right for so long Yeah yeah What are we talking Best fries in the game McDonald's Better than In-N-Out Better than Burger King Better than Wendy's The best hamburger In town now What Is Hi-Ho Oh yeah Oh yeah They're good Yeah real good have you been there yeah but there's so many competitors now like burgers never say die all that shit there's so many burgers my favorite's easy street and they used to be in a little tent by my house and now they moved to burbank dude i'm gonna have one of those right now right now you want one of those yeah i'll take you right after this. God, I won't.
That's my favorite hamburger.

I'm trying to eat less red meat, but it's not working.

Fuck it.

I don't know what I'm...

I'm trying.

No, because I know it's not great for you to eat it so much, but I love it so much, but

it clogs up my insides.

I didn't poop for like four days when I had COVID.

I didn't need to know this.

Four days.

I don't care about your schedule.

Also, I don't even know if I had COVID, by the way, because I tested positive.

You tested positive, yeah.

But then three days later, it was negative. Yeah.
And everybody was like that i don't know if that's possible maybe you have monkey pox you might have had it in your poop it's what they're saying those with digestive systems were more likely to have a positive stool test oh wow whoa well i did put the swab in my nose and then in my shit and then i put it so that does add up i guess lack of appetite is the most common system oddly polar opposite couldn't stop fucking eating couldn't stop fucking eating like a fat fuck i just sat on i have door dash all day long i door dashed all day long on my fucking couch what do you get most like if you look at your orders what's the most if i look at my door dash yeah let's go my door dashed all day long on my fucking couch. What do you get most? Like if you look at your orders,

what's the most?

If I look at my door dash app.

Yeah.

Let's go my door dash.

I'll see what I order the most when I'm not feeling.

Well,

I usually do it when I'm not feeling well,

because otherwise I go get stuff,

but it has your history,

right?

Yeah.

I'll tell you mine.

So where is mine?

Goes Morton's Casita del Campo.

Morton's Casita del Campo. Casita del Campo, Casita Del Campo, Morton's.

So you like mixing it up a lot.

That literally is my thing.

Let me hear yours.

Let me hear yours, Jets.

I know mine by heart.

It's Sweet Grains or Joe's Pizza.

Love Joe's.

Yeah, it's so good.

Mine is Thai food.

Thai food, Mendocino Farms farms uh pizza thai goop kitchen pizza goop sugar fish thai indian mendocino jones it's all the same shit yeah well i think when you order food like especially during the pandemic when that's everybody was doing so much of it sometimes you get it delivered and it's like not good yeah but then you find your places that that do it the best do it yeah there's places that do the delivery the best yeah all right well listen um i want to announce something okay happy to announce we're getting married we are getting married i'm a little excited about it i have decided I'm gonna finally shoot my special yeah Netflix September 24th I'm gonna be shooting at the Paramount Theater in Denver tickets should be available by the time this comes out and in the meantime I'm doing I'm gonna run my hour in a bunch of different spots I'm doing Salt Lake City September 9th and 10th and then we're adding dates so go to andrewsantino.com to see those i'll be running the hour yeah i'm taping it september 24th i'm nervous it'll be great i'm nervous kill it i taping is so stinky live shows are so fun but taping is so fucking annoying because you're there's so much that makes it look not like a comedy show that you're like it's just it's but you know what i got a good crew people doing it the uh the same guys that i went and saw ari shaffir do his taping in new york and it was fucking beautiful and it didn't look it cameras weren't in people's faces it was like hidden so nobody kind of knew it kind of felt they knew it was a taping but it you know there's nothing worse than when you like a taping the guys like looking around a fucking camera stock and yeah it's just weird whenever i did the comedy central one the half hours we would break they would stop in between comics they go okay guys we're gonna change some stuff out i was like how are they gonna find this funny they have to like sit there and wait for a new comic for 20 minutes and then that's why i would never do one where it's a series like it's gonna be you joker out you know i mean i want to do my own when i do one it's gonna be my own thing that's why i waited yeah I think I'm going to do mine in the theater in a series. It's going to be you, Joe Doreau.
You know what I mean? I want to do my own. When I do one, it's going to be my own thing.
That's why I waited. That's why I did this.
I think I'm going to do one in the theater in a round. You want it in a round? Yeah, yeah.
Wow. Because of your body? You want people to see your whole body? Yeah, and I also want it to be just kind of stacked.
You want it falling in on you? Yeah. I want a stacked theater in a round where it's kind of like blood sport.
Well, here's the deal. Yeah, yeah.
September 24th at the Paramount Theater in Denver. I'm doing it.
Go to andrewsantino.com to follow me before that to see what other dates I'm doing outside of Salt Lake City to warm up. Me and Bobby are planning a tour right now to do Bad Friends next year.
We are going to be coming. Tell us where you want us to go because we're going to be doing a Bad Friends tour.
Maybe Jet Ski will be there. She'll open all the shows.
Maybe. All right.
Well, everyone go visit Rudy. Go to andrewscentino.com and come see me live.
And go visit Rudy and say, hey, I'm a bad friend. And that is going to get you how much off? What's the discount at the bookstore? Five.
Five what? Five what? Five percent. Five percent? Ten percent.
You're going to get 15% off when you say, I'm a bad friend too.

Why don't you say goodbye for us?

Thank you for being a bad friend. Woo-hoo, yeah, woo-hoo, yeah