Bobby's Bank Heist

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, y'all. You know what, guys? New York.
New York. New York.
Here we come. Wait, that's such a good New York accent.
New York. New York.
New York.

Speaker 1 We're doing the Grand Mercy Theater stand-up. We're going to do some stand-up and we're going to do a little bit of like a duo potty kind of a thing.
A little fun live thing for you guys.

Speaker 1 September 8th. September 8th.
Buy your tickets right now because they're going to sell out quickly. And if it sells out, we might add another show.
A second show. We don't know.
We might not.

Speaker 1 We might. Let's see how the first show goes, but probably a second show.
Maybe. Click on the link in the description below.
The tickets go on sale at noon noon Pacific time, 3 p.m. East Coast.

Speaker 1 Today, they go on sale. So I know this episode's already out, but at noon on the West Coast, at 3 p.m.
on the East Coast, buy those tickets now. Also, Bob, I'm shooting my special September 24th.

Speaker 1 24th. 24th.
In Denver. And I'm warming up.
So come see me.

Speaker 1 Salt Lake City, Brea, Minneapolis, Madison, and then Denver, September 24th. I'm shooting my special.
Finally, go to AndrewSantino.com for tickets. AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 You two or something. We're bad friends.
Welcome back to Bad Friends. Boy, oh boy, do we have a good one for you today? Because

Speaker 1 Fancy is gone. He's in España.
I didn't even notice. We deported him.
He's gone. I didn't notice.
Well, because he's worthless on this show. Well, we have Mr.
Worthless. Who? Behind everyone else.

Speaker 1 Doctor will not be named.

Speaker 1 Captain Worthless.

Speaker 1 Captain Worthless. George Kimmel.
Captain Worthless. I hear two almost do nothing.
Yeah, in fact, when he walked in here, I go, what are you doing here? That's what I said.

Speaker 1 I heard it from the parking lot. What are you doing here? And you know what he said? What?

Speaker 1 Just hanging out. Just hanging out.

Speaker 1 He swallows air, this guy. I got a gift for old Rudy.
Yeah. Look at how sick this thing is.
It's from our friends at Beastpoke gave us this.

Speaker 1 This will really kill somebody. So please be careful.
Okay?

Speaker 1 I don't have my other knives. Well, we took your knives away because Doc shakes the chairs and we're afraid it's going to fall on his head.

Speaker 1 And that's specifically to kill other Filipinos, no white people. Okay? It says it on the little thing.
Does it? Oh, yeah, it says no whites. It's specifically...

Speaker 2 What about other Asians?

Speaker 1 No, only Filipinos. Only Filipinos.
Yeah. For the time being.
That could change.

Speaker 2 This is cool.

Speaker 1 Unwrap it and see how sharp it is. Do something cool with it.
Don't get it too close to that chair. It'll pop.
Isn't that sick, huh? Yeah. Yeah, say thanks, B-Spoke.

Speaker 1 We also have next to Rudy our very good friend, who now we can no longer call by her other moniker. Her name is now

Speaker 1 JJ. Just Jetsky Johnson.
Well, no, no, no, we should come up with a nickname because she complained about it. We know what's going on with the juice juice.

Speaker 2 I like the name, and then it dawned on me how sexual it could be taken.

Speaker 1 But it's not if you don't, unless you make it sexual, it's not sexual. Is it orange sexual?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Depends on what you're doing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, okay, what else is juicy?

Speaker 2 I like juicy.

Speaker 1 Yes, juicy reminds me of Harry Styles. Harry Styles is juicy.

Speaker 2 Which you think is very sexy.

Speaker 1 That's right. She doesn't want the connection between sexy and juicy.

Speaker 2 Remember those pants?

Speaker 1 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 Juicy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, juicy on the butt. Juicy pants.
Yeah, the juicy sweatpants.

Speaker 1 But that wasn't sexual. Although it was creepy, like little kids would wear those.
And I was like, what parent is letting their nine-year-old wear juicy on their ass?

Speaker 1 No, you shouldn't let your kids wear juicy sweatpants.

Speaker 1 In fact, only black women

Speaker 1 and Brazilian women should wear that over the age of 18.

Speaker 1 white girls have butts now don't overdo this again what you did last night what did i do hey ladies if you're single this guy's available i'm not available i'm not ready i never said that yeah you did no i didn't i'm not available i'm not ready yes i did i know you did to the whole and also by the way no one came up to me afterwards either

Speaker 1 not one person no one came out ask anybody i hung out till two just to see not one person no one if they go oh i'm available to never you know why because they thought i was joking around see they thought i was kidding But I wasn't kidding.

Speaker 1 Girls, if you're listening out there, if you come to the Bobby Lee Live show, please wait until after the show. He will be there.
He will come talk to you. He is interested.
He is available.

Speaker 1 He's very single. I'm not interested.

Speaker 2 I saw Bobby give a tour to two really attractive ladies, and I asked him about it, and he just jumped down my throat. He's like, I'm just giving a tour.

Speaker 1 Okay, can I say something?

Speaker 1 Let me say something, okay?

Speaker 1 I give tours all the time to not just ladies, to men as well. Okay.
Because people love the the comedy store. They go, this is historic.
I go, I know all the nooks and crannies. It sounds so creepy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What nooks do you take them to?

Speaker 1 Well, I know the history of each room. Well, I take them to a room and I go, this is why this room is here.
You take them to the old stairwell by Mitzi's office. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When the door was broken, I used to get people in there, like guests when I'd have friends come from out of town. I would sneak them up to Mitzi's office and break into Mitzi's office.

Speaker 1 And it's, you know, it's still the same. I mean, I don't know what it is now, but 10 years ago, it had been untouched.
I ate a girl's vagina on those stairs.

Speaker 2 Is that part of the tour?

Speaker 1 That's one of the craziest

Speaker 1 years ago, years ago when I was like 30. You went down on a girl in the stairwell?

Speaker 1 Was that black stair up to Mitzi's office between the belly room black stairs to that stair? They're all black. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah. And I ate a woman's vagina.

Speaker 1 You made her sit down, lay down on the stairs? In the middle of the stairs. I spread them open like this.

Speaker 2 Were you on the top of the stairs or the bottom of the stairs?

Speaker 1 I go top. I i go down

Speaker 1 yeah so the blood because the blood flows you know

Speaker 1 okay anyway she slides down her head head backwards

Speaker 1 yeah you're eating her and then for you and then in the green room of the belly room i've gotten maybe two blow jobs maybe

Speaker 1 to completion no never completed i can't because there's always people there can you complete there's a show going on wait a minute you would

Speaker 1 close the door get a hummer and then not come and then be like oh let's go hang out someone's coming someone's you know someone's coming

Speaker 1 all right Juice. Well, we're not going to call you Juice anymore because I guess you made it sexual.
So what do you want us to call you?

Speaker 2 Jetsky, but you guys, another nickname could emerge.

Speaker 1 But Jetsky is what you brought. That was already your name.

Speaker 2 This is why I never speak my mind.

Speaker 1 Maybe because you have Bono glasses. Maybe something about Bono.

Speaker 2 It doesn't have to happen right now.

Speaker 1 No, it's going to happen right now, guys. Okay.
It's going to happen right now. I see those socks that you're wearing.
That's very cool. Do you know what that is, Bobby? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's the painting called? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's from... It's a Van Gogh painting.
No, that's not Van Gogh. It's the screaming man.

Speaker 1 Just screaming.

Speaker 1 The screaming.

Speaker 1 The screaming. The scream.
The scream. Yeah, that's it.
Okay, there's the scream. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Those are pretty tight. The scream.

Speaker 2 My sister got me these.

Speaker 1 Your sister's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you know what you remind me of? I told her,

Speaker 1 what did I say last night?

Speaker 2 Diane Keaton.

Speaker 1 She reminds me of her personality like Diane Keaton in Annie Hall. I think you said that on this show before.
Did I? Didn't he say something like that?

Speaker 1 She has that kind of like

Speaker 1 a case.

Speaker 1 It's like a quirkiness about her.

Speaker 1 You kind of do have that. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I like that movie. I'm sure my personality was inspired.

Speaker 1 Dude, I love her.

Speaker 1 I just love that movie. Yeah.
You know what I mean? You killed it last night. I had a good set.
So in the middle of my set, there was like a little of a bump. Yeah, you did stop for some reason.

Speaker 1 And you know what I thought? Huh. It's always this.
I think Andrew did better than me. Oh, shut up.
No, I really, I did.

Speaker 1 Because there was a level of laugh. I'm like, that wasn't the.
Nobody cares. Yeah.
And then afterwards, last night, two things happened. Number one, a guy came up to me, bad friends fan.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And he goes, I just have to admit, I think Andrew's funnier, a funnier stand-up.

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up. That's what he says is bold.
Right to my face. And then another thing happened.
Okay.

Speaker 1 A drunk guy goes, hey.

Speaker 1 I used to watch you on Mad TV. I just never thought you were funny.
No. Yeah.
And you walked over. Bobby, no way.
So two things.

Speaker 2 You tell me if I'm working, I'll kick them out. I know.

Speaker 1 Thank you. And then three, no one came up to me and went, I'm single and you're single.

Speaker 1 So that was a pretty bad night for me. But let me tell you something.
I'm going to change that. And I'm saying it now to the fans.
If you come to a show, I'm going to keep pushing this agenda.

Speaker 1 If you're coming to the show on.

Speaker 1 I don't need anyone's help. I got it.
I don't know. Yeah, first of all, I'm not going to date in a year.
I'm going to wait a year.

Speaker 1 You could hook up with someone before you would. No, I don't want to even hook up a year.
You want to touch anyone for a year? No, no, no. I need alone time.

Speaker 1 Are you going to figure out who I am again? Are you going to be open for all kinds kinds of people?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? I feel like this is a trap. No.

Speaker 1 No, I'm saying, are you open for all kinds of people?

Speaker 1 Gender, ask me some questions, maybe.

Speaker 1 Are you cool with dating all kinds of genders and

Speaker 1 sexual orientations?

Speaker 1 Okay, if they have a penis and a vagina, maybe. Yeah, if they have to have both.
Like a combination. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want just a penis.
No.

Speaker 1 I mean, like I've said, like, if there was a vagina and there was a penis off the side, I might do a couple of sucks. What if they had a

Speaker 1 pen?

Speaker 1 You would. Just out of like.

Speaker 1 What if they had a penis, but their butthole looked like a vagina?

Speaker 1 Oh, that's interesting. Right.
But they'd still poo out of the butthole? That's right. Same thing out of the button.
The flavor is different, though.

Speaker 1 Vaginas poo, too, don't they?

Speaker 1 Unless someone has Crohn's disease.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But let me tell you something. Carlos thinks you're going through stages of grief, accepting the unacceptable.
Oh, you think I am? You think I'm going through grief?

Speaker 1 It can look like avoidance, procrastination, forgetting, easily distracted, my behavior. I'm all those.
Well, then you've, yeah, this has been your whole life. No, but more so now, though.

Speaker 1 That's just step one. Then they're saying, okay, okay, they're dangerous.

Speaker 2 He's on two.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've been sitting on two for years.

Speaker 1 Frustration, cynicism, sarcasm, irritability. Holy fuck.
I've been bargaining. Increased alcohol or drug use.

Speaker 1 This is like my pro should be my dating profile. Bargaining.

Speaker 1 The bargaining I don't do. Yeah, you do.
What's the bargaining mean? Well, look at the second one. Look at it.
Carlos is highlighting ruminating on the future of the past. Oh, yeah, I just did that.

Speaker 1 Look at the second one. Look at the second one.
Overthinking and worrying. Yeah, that's me.
Bing. Third one, comparing self to others.
You just did it on the show. I just did it.

Speaker 1 Thinking, saying I should have, or if only.

Speaker 1 You don't know if you do that too much. I do.
Judgment towards self and others, big time.

Speaker 1 Perfectionism. Oh, I'm a bargainer, huh? You're a bargainer.
On video games.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's right. Yeah.
Depression. You don't have depression.
You don't think so? I don't think so. No.

Speaker 1 I get bummed. Yeah, you do.
I have clinical depression.

Speaker 1 I don't think you have depression, but I do think you have bargaining. You've got to get that.
I do have bargaining for sure. Yeah, yeah.
When are we going to get to acceptance, though, Carlos?

Speaker 1 We'll get down there soon. Yeah.
A year. Mindful behaviors? Fuck.
Fuck. I don't even know what that means.

Speaker 1 Engaging with reality as it is. No way.
That's insane. That's insanity.
This is how it is right now. You'll never hear that phrase.
No, I'm in a different land.

Speaker 1 Being present in the moment, you're not even here right now. Yeah.
You're already back at home.

Speaker 1 I'm when I was four years old right now. Yeah, you're

Speaker 1 in Minnesota, dude, playing in that fucking backyard with that little tunker truck I used to have. All right, I'm stuck in my mind on this.

Speaker 1 I do think we're going to get you someone before before a year. No.
I just want to. Well, how do you feel about Jules? Is it weird?

Speaker 2 I don't really care, but I feel like you're going to have to find someone.

Speaker 1 A year's a long time. Yeah.
A year's a long time. Why do you have a sweaty mustache right now?

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's hot.
I'm sweating. It is hot.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You have a full-blown sweaty mustache.

Speaker 2 That's bargaining.

Speaker 1 That's bargaining.

Speaker 1 That's bargaining. Oh, come on, dude.

Speaker 2 You're judging others.

Speaker 1 Do you think I do that to you? Use that axe. To what? To shave your little mustache.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.
Yeah, there it is. Yeah, there it is.
Good. You feel better? It doesn't help.

Speaker 1 It doesn't help. We got to get a better axe.
Yeah. I got an axe to grind.
I'm still stuck on this juicy thing. I'm kind of bummed.

Speaker 2 Well, maybe I should.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'm wrong. Say it sexually.
No, I'm not. But now you're making it seem like it.
Now I'm not going to be able to do it. Are guys hitting on you, direct messaging you? Be honest.

Speaker 1 No, but oh, yes, yes. Like, what are they doing? Not dick pics?

Speaker 2 Well, I get so many in the other box, and I can't engage with everybody.

Speaker 1 Someone's famous. Holy cow.

Speaker 1 Other in the other box. How many requests do you have right now? I don't know.
Whoa, dude. Maybe we should look at them now on the show.

Speaker 2 I look at them, but I feel like I'm afraid to engage in them because then where do I stop?

Speaker 1 30,000 followers. Wow.
What did you have before you started the show?

Speaker 2 13.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow,

Speaker 1 we're helping you out. Let's keep it going.
Go to Jetsky Johnson. Go ahead and follow Jetsky Johnson.
And

Speaker 1 inundate her with messages.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah.
So what do you guys do? Do you respond to everybody in your

Speaker 1 fucking response?

Speaker 2 Because I know you guys have way more than dudes.

Speaker 1 Never.

Speaker 1 I've never opened up a dude like that. I only respond to dudes.
You do? Are you getting some titties? Yeah. You're getting some titties.
Yeah, yeah. Do you respond? No.
No. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 I'll just look at it and go,

Speaker 1 yeah. You screenshot it? No.
Don't lie. I don't.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Why, what? You can?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 You can screenshot it. Yeah, yeah.
I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I bet you can. No, I don't want to.
You You can screenshot your whole phone. Is it illegal to have a screenshot photo on Instagram?

Speaker 1 Oh, copyright infringement. Do women have copyrights on their tits? That would be kind of, that's kind of the future, isn't it? But I'm getting a lot of like, can I fuck Kalila? Which is so fucking.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. They ask you that?

Speaker 1 Yeah, terrible.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But wait a minute, though.
Can I fuck Kalila? But they say, like, can you join? Are you involved? No, they just, like, I'm her pimp. It's so rude.
That's kind of cool, though. Why?

Speaker 1 That's kind of cool being her pimp. Yeah, yeah.
I don't respond to those. It's guys saying, can I fuck Khalila? Yeah.
Any girls?

Speaker 1 No. Oh, no.
Have you had a girl ask for a threesome with you guys? Oh.

Speaker 1 I didn't even know that was a possibility. I mean, it's a thing.
Oh, I saw.

Speaker 1 Oh, I like. I like.
Some people like that. Yeah.
There's a whole website for that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I don't want to like... That'd be weird, like being in a room and that a girl's eating her Khalila's vagina better than I did.
Right? And how is that weird?

Speaker 2 Because you're a perfectionist.

Speaker 1 I'm a perfectionist. I'm bargaining.
I'll be bargaining.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll be bargaining. I'll be like, hey, hey, ease up on that European shit you're doing right now.
Right. You know what I mean? Tongue tornado.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Twister.
I just have a fat tongue. I can't do it that fast.
Let me see how fast you can move your tongue.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah, it's like a sloth.
Like a turtle. Yeah, yeah.
Looks like you're eating pudding. Dude, if I went to Dew Guinea and I and I ate sloth pussy, they would be like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? They'd be like, oh, yeah. Yeah, but that's the only person.

Speaker 2 The sloth would be like, slow, dad.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Slow down. You know, sloth bears? I read sloth bears kill more people than any other kind of bear on earth.
No. Have you seen what a sloth bear looks like? No, no.

Speaker 1 Look at how fucking creepy and weird these things look. These things kill the most people.
Whoa. Whoa.
They just look like shaggy bears. Just like fucked up.
Look at the faces, dude.

Speaker 1 They look chromosomally off. Yeah.
They look like they're, you know, handicapped bears. Yeah.
But they murder the most people, statistically. And I saw this thing on Twitter.

Speaker 1 If Tony Hinchcliffe was a bear, that's like...

Speaker 1 Honestly, that would be the right.

Speaker 1 The right? What do you mean? Be honest.

Speaker 1 That's Tony Hinchcliffe? Yeah, yeah. If Tony Hinchcliffe was a bear, that would be like in that.
What kind of bear would you be if you were a bear? I'm in Japan. That's for sure.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, the koala. Yeah, that's exactly.
Koala, baby. Who would I be? You would be polar.
Polar, for sure. Yeah, yeah.
What would she be?

Speaker 2 Tarshir.

Speaker 1 Tarshir? What? What?

Speaker 2 Those big eyes.

Speaker 2 They're small and big eyes.

Speaker 1 You think you have big eyes?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yep, there she is.
Tarshira. Oh, that's you.
Yeah, that's her for sure.

Speaker 1 What about Jetsky? What is JJ? What's the juiciest kind?

Speaker 1 Look up. What's the juiciest bear? We need the food.

Speaker 1 There we go.

Speaker 1 There we go. That's her.
That's juicy bear.

Speaker 1 That's you. That's you.
No, do that dancing bear. What is it? I've seen that.
What is that cartoon? What's that? That's definitely her. That's her personality, everything.
Huh? What is it?

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought that was the charming bear. Oh, is that? Ooh.

Speaker 1 That's what you're turning me into. Yeah.
This is what we're trying to sell you as. Sex sells on the show, man.
Big time. Dude, if bears look like that, that'd be cool.

Speaker 1 I mean, then I would go camping more often. I think in the gay community, they do.
Yeah. With the abs like that, and they drink beer.

Speaker 1 That'd be cool. They could talk.
Hey.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yay. Yeah.
Hey.

Speaker 1 And see,

Speaker 1 that's the reality of it. That's what a bear looks like.
Oh, that's a gay bear. That's a big bear.
Huh? What'd you say? That's a big gay bear? No, his name is Juicy Bear. Oh, let's hit him up.

Speaker 1 Let's get him on the show.

Speaker 1 He won't be mad if we sexually.

Speaker 2 I'm not mad. No, I'm pushing.
I'm starting to get mad.

Speaker 1 Well, here's what we're doing. You know what we could do with the fans? It's like, how about this? Fans email us, or how do they do it? They usually email us.
Email us, like, suggestions.

Speaker 1 We'll have a contest.

Speaker 1 You want to have a name contest? Yeah. Yeah.
Throw out some names for Jets. Yeah, but once

Speaker 1 the name is affirmed, that's life.

Speaker 1 You have to get it. We're not changing it.
You have to get it tattooed.

Speaker 2 I don't have any tattoos.

Speaker 1 Oh, this will be your first. This will be my first tattoo.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, you guys all get it too.

Speaker 1 Our names on you, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, you should have bad friends on your body, man. Do you guys have it? Yep.
Yep. Let me see.
Mine's on my butt. Mine mine's on my asshole.

Speaker 2 Let's see it.

Speaker 1 I don't believe you. Hey, don't sexualize us.
Yeah, you see. Yeah.
We talked about getting bad friends' tats. We should.

Speaker 1 Okay, if we got them together, would you do it? You don't think you're a part of it yet?

Speaker 2 The family? Maybe at six episodes

Speaker 1 per month.

Speaker 1 Let's get her to 100,000 followers and then we'll do it.

Speaker 2 And then I'll tattoo your name.

Speaker 1 100,000 followers? Yeah. You would? That's pretty tight.

Speaker 1 That feels so like

Speaker 2 selling out, but I'm there for it.

Speaker 1 She's down, dude. I think I do want to get a bad friend's tattoo.
I do too. I think we should.
Would you get one?

Speaker 2 Can I just get a knife instead of bad friends?

Speaker 1 Oh, cool. Thanks for being a part of it.
This fucking ass fucking little shit. You're a shit, dude.
It's been three years of this fucking tattoo. I know.

Speaker 2 What else? Bad friends is so, like, cringe.

Speaker 1 You know what's so fun?

Speaker 1 Okay, okay, just hear me out. She's gonna learn.
I'll tell you why. She said we're fucking cringe.
I know. Can I tell you why? No, just

Speaker 1 title. Is it because we're old?

Speaker 1 Don't get angry. Are we old and lame and she's young and cool? Check it out.
Stink.

Speaker 1 She just got a job.

Speaker 1 Yeah, at the school, right? Did you not? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Working at the library or where are you working? This is a bookstore. At a bookstore.
At the school. And when you're working, because she's never worked before, right?

Speaker 1 Every day you you work, slowly in your heart and your mind, you're going to go, Oh, I had it good. I had it good.
Look at that. 16 bucks an hour is all you're going to make there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm excited for that.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying the bad friends' title, if you put it on your skin, is cringe. What about BF? No.

Speaker 1 What about our heads? Just that. Yeah, our faces.

Speaker 1 Maybe. That's simple.

Speaker 1 that's simple.

Speaker 1 I'm just like sad if I'm so sad. It's like making me really sad.
How about this symbol? This is cool. The new one from the hat that bad friend's dripping.
That looks cool.

Speaker 2 I'll put it like on my foot.

Speaker 1 Okay, whatever. It's like, you know what we should do though? This?

Speaker 1 Like the dark night, we should have a thing that we projects.

Speaker 1 Just from the sky.

Speaker 1 In the sky. That'd be dope.
Right. So that if people need us, we have to go there.
We have, yeah. We have to do comedy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think in the Batman world, what would I think who would be the guy? What's his name?

Speaker 1 Gordon? Gordon. Who's Gordon in our group?

Speaker 1 What? Who's Gordon? If you and I are Batman. Fancy.
Who's Gordon in our group? Fancy. Commissioner Gordon? Yeah, yeah.
Who's the one that does the sign? Because he's the one that turns the sign on.

Speaker 1 Fancy. It's probably fancy to be.
Yeah, Fancy is Gordon. Right.
And who is George? Is George just... Oh, George is Commissioner.

Speaker 2 George is.

Speaker 2 George is Alfred.

Speaker 1 Yeah, George is Alfred. George is definitely Alfred.
He's Alfred. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at there's George. Yeah, George is definitely offered, right? I'll get you what you need, boys.

Speaker 1 George, I want to hear you with a British accent.

Speaker 1 Can you say

Speaker 1 what you need, boys? Say, I'll get you whatever you need, gentlemen. I'll get you whatever you need, gentlemen and gentleladies.

Speaker 1 Okay, but just the gentleman part. I don't want you to use you because that sounded creepy.
Absolutely. Say, I'll bring up the car immediately.
I'll bring up the car immediately.

Speaker 1 That's actually not bad. I like it.
If we got to put him in a little suit, why? You want to fine-tune it a little bit? Yeah, a little bit more.

Speaker 1 Because it still doesn't sound easy. Sell the British car a little bit higher.
Sell it harder. I'll bring up the car immediately, gentlemen.
This is good. It's okay.
But be more fancy with it.

Speaker 1 Like, be more animated. Be like, kind of like maybe you might be gay.
We don't know. Gentlemen, I'll bring up the car immediately.
Love that. I love that.
I love that. I like that.
It's a gay twist.

Speaker 1 I like that. The gay twist, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it has nothing to do with sexuality. We're just saying, you're very, you have fancy, effeminate.
I shouldn't say fancy, red. Jules would be catwoman.

Speaker 1 For sure. No, poison ivy.
Poison ivy. Poison ivy, yeah.
Because she's fucking toxic as shit. Oh, that's right, toxic, yeah.
You're toxic. I'm not.
Yeah, no, you are. Yeah, you are.

Speaker 1 And it's getting worse. And I called, I called Bob, and I was like, I don't know if we want Little Miss Toxic around anymore because she's just not fun.
She doesn't want to be here. She hates us.

Speaker 1 And he was like, She doesn't hate us. And I said, Yeah, she does.

Speaker 1 I don't hate you. Yes, she does.
Yeah, I think you do. I think you do.
I think you secretly hate us.

Speaker 2 And she's gripping the act.

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Whenever I'm on the road or even at home, the only app that I use is DoorDash. Yeah.
And we just read you, I just, in our episode, we read you all the DoorDash app.

Speaker 1 Yo, because honestly,

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Yeah.

Speaker 1 Kalala's been out of town for a week. And we haven't

Speaker 1 done anything

Speaker 1 or talked.

Speaker 2 Because you're always out and you're always grumpy around the house.

Speaker 1 No, he's not. No, and you know, because I think this is a proof.
Everyone knows my energy, but they know your energy as well. Right? And they compare the two.
They're not blind to it, man.

Speaker 1 That's right. The fans know.
Yeah, no.

Speaker 2 I always say hi to you, and you always say a different name when you say hi to me. Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 1 Like terms of endearment. Yeah, so like, what do I say?

Speaker 2 You say, hi, Joey.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Funny.
Okay, that's funny. Yeah, funny.
You kind of do look like that. What's up, Joey? What's up, Joe? Yeah.
You don't like it? No. Yeah.
And then sometimes I ask you, like, what's going on?

Speaker 1 Let's hang out. And you laugh.
You go, no.

Speaker 2 No, I just say, I'm tired.

Speaker 1 Ugh.

Speaker 1 It just hurts me. It really does hurt me.
And you got to do more of an effort. And I'm glad you're working.
Because when you're working, I'm going to be giggling. Because it's going to be like

Speaker 1 an awakening for you. Where is the store?

Speaker 2 At CSUN.

Speaker 1 It's the library or the bookstore?

Speaker 1 Like the campus bookstore where you go to buy not only books, but also apparel. Can we go? We're going every fucking day.
No, can we go to to buy? We're going every fucking day. We can go.

Speaker 1 We don't have to be students to go to the store, right? Of course not. No.
Oh, we're going. Yeah, we're going to go.
I'm buying books. I'm going to buy some gear.
I don't have any books.

Speaker 1 I want to buy some gear, too. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fine. How many days a week are you working over there?

Speaker 2 Maybe like three.

Speaker 1 What are they giving you? How much? Do you know?

Speaker 2 I don't know yet.

Speaker 1 You took the job without negotiating pay?

Speaker 2 You negotiate?

Speaker 1 It's just. I don't know.

Speaker 2 It's my first job.

Speaker 1 How did you get the job?

Speaker 2 They just interviewed me and then.

Speaker 1 Did you see a sign that said open

Speaker 1 now hiring? And then you went in and asked? Yeah. Start from zero.
What did you see?

Speaker 2 I just saw, I was looking through the bookstore and then it says hiring. And I just applied and then they called me.

Speaker 1 Same day? No, like a week after. Who called? What did they say? Let's hear it.

Speaker 2 They just said, hi, are you interested in like working? I said, yeah. And then they said, okay, we'll give you another call for the 10-minute interview.
And then I waited. And then they just said,

Speaker 2 How many hours can you work? And I said, and I just said,

Speaker 2 as long as I can work.

Speaker 2 And then they said, okay, we'll give you four hours every day or as long as

Speaker 2 Monday to Friday. And I said, okay, that's fine.
And they said that if you can carry a 30-pound

Speaker 2 something

Speaker 2 and stand for 10 hours.

Speaker 2 And then I said, yeah, I can stand.

Speaker 1 What are they shipping dead babies around that place no if you can carry a 30 pound box don't look inside of it but you're only working four hours yeah okay and then you did you ask how much does it pay no I didn't why

Speaker 1 because no one told me to ask so you don't you what if they're not gonna pay you no they said they'll pay me 16 16 and 75 cents an hour yeah they're like we're gonna get this immigrant for cheap yeah and you're not gonna be in the I think you're you're hauling shit I think you're gonna to be in the back loading stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They go,

Speaker 1 you know, we have a bunch of boxes. Get in the back.
Yeah, you get in the back. They don't want you out front.
Not with that face.

Speaker 1 That's fine. I don't need to be in the face.
Don't be mean. Don't beat me.
Don't be mean. She's mean to us all the time.
I know she is. I know.
You're right. She's so mean to me.
Go to the back.

Speaker 1 And you know what? We're going to start making you carry shit too. George, get something that's heavy back there and make her fucking carry around.
Boulders. Boulders.
You just. Boulders.

Speaker 1 No boxes, just boulders. I just want rocks moved during the show.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're going to have to start fucking carrying your weight.

Speaker 1 Why do I have to carry your weight? Why are you? Because don't get angry, dude. Oh, God.
Give her that box of merch. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 There you go. Start going through that and separating stuff.
Yeah, separate from medium and large. Let's see you pick it up.
Let's see you carry it. Carry it.
Pick it up. Let's see.
Can you carry it?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Wait, wait.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can take the headphones off.
Oh, wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's see if you can do it. Let's see if you can do it.

Speaker 1 Because this is how many pounds, George, do you think this is?

Speaker 1 15. 30.
Is this about 30?

Speaker 1 Yeah, rice. All right, keep it on your head.
Keep it on your head. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's fine. All right, for the rest of the episode.
No. So anyway,

Speaker 1 put it down. Put it down.
Put it down.

Speaker 1 I'm happy that you finally got a job, Jules. We love that.
I'm glad that you've got some responsibility in the world. Okay, so I was.
Are you saying they pay you less at the store?

Speaker 2 I think I make less at the store.

Speaker 1 How do you make less? Don't they make you guys minimum wage?

Speaker 2 Maybe I just work less hours.

Speaker 1 What? No, you work many. You're always there.
Yeah, you're there. I think I've never not seen you there now.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? You make more. You know what Jetsky said? She goes,

Speaker 2 I'm not making that much an hour.

Speaker 1 You're not making $20 an hour? No, we should sue them. We should sue them.
No. Let's sue the comedy store.

Speaker 2 People who say, it's so funny when comics who work there are like, we should make more money there. It's like, why are you here?

Speaker 1 You're not there.

Speaker 1 You're not here. You're not there for the money.
No. No.
No, you're too smart.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you this, because I know back in the day, in my time, when I was a doorman,

Speaker 1 we had scams going. You guys got scams, don't you? You guys have scams going?

Speaker 1 I got the team. I threw it right back.
Open it up.

Speaker 1 Tell me what they are, but are there?

Speaker 2 I wouldn't call them skips. I'll tell you what.
Yesterday I was working.

Speaker 1 No, this is real.

Speaker 2 I was working the, we call them tips now, okay? We get tips. And someone came up.
I was working the OR cover last night. And so we go, are you Jet Ski? And I said, yeah, I love you on Bad Friends.

Speaker 2 Fuck yeah. Takes out a 20, puts it in the tip bucket.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You should just put a bucket out that says jet ski on bad friends. Yes.

Speaker 1 You have to split the fucking 20 with other people?

Speaker 2 I don't know if I have to, but I did.

Speaker 1 She's a good soul. Wow.
She's a good soul. Get your own bucket.

Speaker 2 No, we split it.

Speaker 1 You do? Yeah, yeah. No, they have to, man.

Speaker 1 Because otherwise, then you know what used to happen? Because I know. I'm not snitching because they all got in trouble.
You remember when everyone got in trouble?

Speaker 1 People were pocketing money and then wars started to break out because people were like, you're keeping money and you're not putting it in the pool. This is the same at a restaurant.

Speaker 1 If you work at a restaurant and you put in you pool tips, some people don't put in, then it causes all this fight and turmoil. And then

Speaker 1 they have to pool tips.

Speaker 1 I think you have to tip people off.

Speaker 1 Some doormen are just better than others. Okay.
All right. And so whoever gets, you can't just because I know a couple of chinless fuckers that you have have friends over there.

Speaker 1 They don't do as good of a job. And I don't want to name names, but they have no chins, man.

Speaker 1 Literally don't.

Speaker 2 Bobby hit me up. He goes, who's your friend with no chin at the store?

Speaker 1 I don't know who you're going to do. I like that kid.

Speaker 1 I've been listening. So you think, no, no tipping, no fucking pooling tips? No.

Speaker 1 I got a gripe real fast to put out. I'm not going to call out the place.

Speaker 1 I don't care.

Speaker 1 I don't fucking like it when they include the tip already on the check. So like it was pre-included for 18%.
I'll tell you, there's multiple reasons.

Speaker 1 One, it gives the server no incentive to give you a better experience whatsoever. They don't fucking care.
They're going to get their money no matter what. That's bullshit.
Two, 18%.

Speaker 1 is automatically included.

Speaker 1 And then it was a note that said below it, we do this for the health and well-being of our staff and our workers to provide a better living living wage for blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Why is it on me, motherfucker? It should be on your company to pay people better then.
Don't just automatically take my fucking money. That's bullshit.

Speaker 1 If you wanted to fucking provide a better life for them, you should pay them more. And then on top of it, the biggest blunder is you automatically charge 18.
Well, then I'm done.

Speaker 1 I'm going to do the Apple Pay and walk away. When I was going to give that person 20, 25, I've tipped 30%.
You've tipped nothing probably as well. Huh?

Speaker 1 You probably tipped nothing. I've literally never never once fucked someone over on a tip because I worked in restaurants.
But my point is, you're fucking them out of two more percent.

Speaker 1 Why would you do that? I was going to give them the extra two. That's what you say.
Huh? Nothing. I've never fucked someone out of a tip.
That's fine. I've always over-tipped.

Speaker 2 You could leave more.

Speaker 1 No, but I don't because I think the system is bullshit. I like that.
Fuck that.

Speaker 2 What do you think they should just raise the prices on all their food?

Speaker 1 No, no, the place was already a fucking rip-off. That's what's even more gross.
All this says to me is the people that own it and run it are making way more fucking money. I see.

Speaker 1 And they're like, oh, we want to help the workers have a better wage. You don't have to agree.

Speaker 1 Juicy, you don't have to agree.

Speaker 1 You don't have to agree. I think including tip is bullshit.
There are times where you can say, no, I don't agree.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Like when I said, I'm not sure about the name Juicy.

Speaker 1 We killed her. We chastise her.
We all saw how that went. I don't think tips should be fucking included.
You think tips should be included?

Speaker 1 It's their loss, though. Let me, can I just.
That's my point. Is I was going to give you 20.
Now you got 18%. Can I make an argument, though, right? Go ahead.
To me, I always pick 25%,

Speaker 1 right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But when I see the 18% thing, right,

Speaker 1 I go, all right, well, I'm just going to give you that then. That's my point.
So I'm saying, don't do that. It's fair loss.
What the fuck does that have anything to do with you, bro?

Speaker 1 I don't like someone automatically charging my car. They charge your car.
But if you're already tipping well above 18% anyway. I'm saying you're an idiot.
You guys were going to get more money.

Speaker 1 You're fucking your own people. Right, but it's not angry.
We're saying the same thing. I'm annoyed.
What are you angry about, though? That's the thing. It's coming from anger.
Because you should.

Speaker 1 It's actually, and you you know what? It's technically illegal. That's the point.
Oh, fuck up.

Speaker 1 Why are white people so entitled? No, no, because you could go.

Speaker 1 You could go, hey, I want the manager to take this off. And they would.
And then I would, what I should have done is said, take this off. I don't agree with this principle.

Speaker 1 And then I would have given her 25% instead. And the reason why that's there, dude, is because sometimes they get Europeans that...
Time out. I talked to.
Can I finish? I know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 That's what white people do.

Speaker 1 They fucking cut off. Don't do a race thing.
I'm not doing it. Don't do erase thing.
You know what? You say a lot of voters come here and they don't think they have to tip. Yeah, they do.
It's 2022.

Speaker 1 Everybody from Europe knows you tip over here. I just ran into fucking people from Europe.
If you have enough money to come to the United States on an airplane,

Speaker 1 you know that you got to tip. And they're like, Mike, you know, this tipping thing's crazy, right? And I go, I know, but they're like, we don't even know how to deal with Mike.
Fucking bullshit.

Speaker 1 Who are these pikeys that you... No, how do they afford to get to the United States, you liar? Pikeys.

Speaker 1 Now listen, okay. Everybody knows.
There's something that you're angry at. When you came here from the Philippines, you know that Americans tip.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 Thank you. It's a fact.
It is true. It is true.
No, it's bullshit. Yeah, yeah.
But by the way, you're right.

Speaker 1 Look, I did tip her. Like, the 18 wasn't good.
Yeah, you had to. Well, no, no, no.
And then I left a $10 bill on top of it to supplement the percentage that was missing. But I was like, don't do that.

Speaker 1 That's fucking annoying. Let me give this person a gift on my own.

Speaker 1 I don't need you to, like, and the other argument would be, oh, well, what about people that like go in and they under-tip or they don't tip at all?

Speaker 1 First of all, at a place that is this nice doesn't happen. This isn't Chili's.
I used to work at this in fucking Outback's. I used to work.
This is a high-end restaurant.

Speaker 1 I used to work at the Brockton Villa.

Speaker 1 Okay. Bring it up.
Right. It's a fucking restaurant in La Jolla.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 And I was one of the first original night servers. They were only a breakfast place, right? I worked at the Brockton Villa.
Well, that's your problem now. Breakfast place that has night servers?

Speaker 1 It's right on the cove, right? Beautiful. It's beautiful.
Look at the ocean. Okay, you were a night server.
And day server. I did the morning, right? So one morning I was there.
I was slammed.

Speaker 1 I had table. I had the front patio, right? Which is like the most.
Section two, dude. That's the most fucking hardcore section.

Speaker 1 I have a Shore family

Speaker 1 story about the Brockton Villa. I don't know if I should talk about it.
Yeah, you should. But I'm going to get in trouble.
We hung up our Pauly stuff. I love Paul.

Speaker 1 Also, Paulie's coming on this show in a couple of weeks. We're having him on.
That's why I'll save this story for when he's here. But my point is that I had a table.

Speaker 1 I don't want to name the race of the people. It has nothing to do with anything.
Oh, it doesn't? No.

Speaker 1 Why would you bring it up then?

Speaker 1 Why would you mention it then? Because it wasn't white people.

Speaker 1 that's all i have to say it wasn't a white person it was a table of ten right and i remember being slammed yeah slammed crushed what do you mean crushed slammed overwhelmed yeah yeah yeah overwhelmed with mostly whites

Speaker 1 no it was it was a mix yeah yeah huh uh-huh okay what is your attitude right now why would you mention you mentioned the race i'm just digging to find out what race they were because you were the one that was so adamant

Speaker 1 what were they at the time in this specific story they were persians Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm just curious. You brought it up.
And the bill was like $400.

Speaker 1 Bro. Right? Bro.
Chao, $400.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Tell me how $400. Yeah.
And they left me

Speaker 1 a penny.

Speaker 1 One cent. A physical penny? Yes.
Or a written on the chat. Or a written on the bill.
They put a penny in the black thing. Pretty tight.
Right? Very fast. And they said the service was terrible.

Speaker 1 Was it?

Speaker 1 I was slammed. I know, but was it? I don't know.
That's the Eye of the Beholder. Eye of the Beholder.

Speaker 1 That's the restaurant we should have gone to, Eye of the Beholder.

Speaker 1 In Glendale. So wait a minute.
They left you one physical penny. Yeah.
And I remember going, that's why I tipped so extravagantly because

Speaker 1 even if the service is terrible,

Speaker 1 it's just a terrible thing. I always tip.
I always tip right.

Speaker 1 I never will fuck people over because I worked in a restaurant. But I'm just saying, I guess what we're both saying is that the reason that they do this on bills is because of Persian people.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. So Persian people, it's all your fault.
Tipping in restaurants, cafes in Iran is mostly not done or expected. So that's what I'm saying.
So in Iran, they don't. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So what I'm saying is that's why. I wish at that time my restaurant had an 18% fucking thing in the fucking thing.
But you were a bad server.

Speaker 1 I was slammed and I don't think I was laughing. I was being funny.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm the Persian guy. You just put down some food.
All right? Here you go. You're slammed, right? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, this food is late and cold.

Speaker 1 I push pancake. It's cold.
I push it too, bud.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Now your fingers are on pancake.
Why would your fingers be pancake? I was doing a comedy, but I didn't. No, give me a new pancake.
I'll get a new one, all right?

Speaker 1 Will this one take 45 minutes? Yeah. Well, watch, I'll take the two and I'll put it on my eyes.
Look, I'm googly. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I want to talk to your man over.

Speaker 1 I don't know what to do. And you walk away and they're like, we're definitely going to leave that Chinese guy a penny.
Yeah. That was you? That's what you did? You pancake fakes? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think my problem is that whenever I, and they complained about it all the time, my thumb was always in the food. Oh, oh, my God.
Your thumbs, too?

Speaker 1 No, because when I'm carrying it, right, that's the

Speaker 1 best. Show your thumbs to the camera.
Look at those things. If we can zoom, punch in on them.
Don't punch out my thumbs. No, please.
I'm so conscious of it. Well, that's my.

Speaker 1 My thumbs would be in the fucking plate, right?

Speaker 1 And then they'd be like, yeah, why is your thumbs in my scrambled eggs? Yuck. You know what I mean? 100% yuck.
Okay, well.

Speaker 1 I got fucked all the time, by the way. You want to talk about getting fucked on tips? I got fucked constantly in college.
I worked at a wing place. We had 10 cent wings.

Speaker 1 How many fucking tips do you think I got? Oh, nothing. 10 cents.
Terrible. I want one barbecue and one honey mustard.
Two wings? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm not kidding. And I go, sir,

Speaker 1 we have a minimum of a half a dozen, a minimum of six. So 60 cents minimum.
And you have to buy a drink, a lemonade if you don't want a cocktail. And they go, I don't want it.

Speaker 1 Let me talk to your manager.

Speaker 1 bring them over. They would literally, I would got change Thursday, whatever it was, Wednesday nights, I've changed.
Yeah, I know. Clock home,

Speaker 1 I'd have three dollars in fucking nickels in my pocket.

Speaker 1 I know comics that did comedy way early, so they never had a day job, and their attitudes are like just whack. What do you mean? They're just, they don't know what it's like to have a shitty job.

Speaker 1 It's like, you know, it's like you and I, like, I didn't make it until like my 30s. We still haven't made it, really.
I know, exactly. We're still kind of going there.

Speaker 1 We're still kind of struggling up there. You know what I mean? But my point is, is that still kind of drudging through it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But yeah, I'm so glad I had those experiences because that's why years and years of like, how am I fucking going to pay rent? Because she said to me something, I don't know if I can say that.

Speaker 1 Well, no, it wasn't that private. But you said, you were like, I feel like I'm about to get out of whatever situation I'm in.
And you're like, I feel like I'm about to get to a new level. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Both professionally and personally.

Speaker 1 And I thought that was a good, that made me feel good in my heart because I was like, I really hope you do because I know you work super fucking hard and you're very funny.

Speaker 1 And I could tell her her self-deprecation was on a high when we walked by her and she's pulling out a trash can out of the main room. And

Speaker 1 I was like, Hey, and she goes, Hi. She goes, Really knocked me right back down to earth.
And she was dragging a trash can through the hallway.

Speaker 1 And I was like, You're not going to be doing that for long. I hope not.
No, you're not. Do you have a commercial agent? Uh-uh.
Why?

Speaker 2 I'm going to skip that step and go straight to the movie.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah, bitch. Do you not want to do it?

Speaker 2 No, I just don't right now.

Speaker 2 All these things are coming into my life so fast right now, and I'm just trying to enjoy it.

Speaker 1 Call me tomorrow. I'll get you one.
Yeah, you should have one. You should go off for one.

Speaker 1 I know the guy.

Speaker 2 I will call you. I have a big day tomorrow.

Speaker 2 I do. I'm going to the gynecologist.

Speaker 2 Then I have active.

Speaker 1 Can we send a camera crew to go with her for some bad friends content? To the gynecologist? Thank you.

Speaker 2 Then I'm going to active shooter training at the store. And then I'm hosting Potluck.
Wait a minute.

Speaker 1 There's active shooter training? What does that mean?

Speaker 1 Active shooter. Someone comes in with a gun.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 They're having that there?

Speaker 2 Yeah. So you should feel safe.
No, no, no. We're all getting trained with guns tomorrow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you guys don't have, you guys, none of you are going to have a gun.

Speaker 2 I'm pretty sure that's what active shooter training is.

Speaker 1 You guys won't carry guns on the night of shows.

Speaker 2 I think they're going to give us all guns.

Speaker 1 Okay, tight. That's a good idea.
That's a really good idea. Yeah, let's give a bunch of guns.
Because

Speaker 1 all the dormant are like bitter, resentful resentful fucking comics. Yeah.
How funny Renee is parking in his car. Oh, my God.
And he's backing in and just goes off in his pocket. Yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 1 Okay. Active shooter employee training awareness.
By the way, there's a new thing going around. There's kindergarten teachers that are all over the internet that are strapped up now.

Speaker 1 Look up kindergarten teachers with guns. It's like a new thing.

Speaker 2 It's scary, but you got to do it.

Speaker 1 So look at this: trained, armed, and ready to teach kindergarten. More school employees are carrying guns to defend against school shootings.

Speaker 1 In Ohio, a contentious new law requires no more than 24 hours of training. So one day you get to carry a gun around the kids.
Nap time.

Speaker 1 Lay down.

Speaker 1 Lay down.

Speaker 1 I don't want to get the fucking crayon out of your mouth. Bryson, get it out of your mouth.
Who stole the cookie from the kids?

Speaker 1 I have to go to the bathroom.

Speaker 1 Where? Where do you have to go to the bathroom?

Speaker 1 Number one or number two? Which one? I just did it in my paper. You did it now? Good.
It's done. All right.
Let's sing a fucking song. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is my gun. Happy birthday.

Speaker 1 That's fucking nuts. Kindergarten teachers with guns.
Meanwhile, like, I feel like Rudy had that in the future.

Speaker 1 During Uvalde, all the cops had guns and they didn't even go into the room. In Uvalde, whatever it was.
Oh, yeah, yeah. There's like 40, 50 cops just going to.

Speaker 1 There was a guy on his phone playing Candy Crush. He was just like, all right, we'll be in there in one minute, guys.
He's like, I got to beat this fucking level. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you see that guy on his fucking phone? He was literally on his phone, chilling. There was another guy laughing.

Speaker 1 Just fucking around? No, there was this guy. There was a.
I don't know what this shot is, but he was going,

Speaker 1 What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, in mid-laugh.

Speaker 2 He's probably listening to bad friends.

Speaker 1 That's right. That's right.
That's the only excuse. Holy fuck, he's smiling.
That guy. What could be funny? What could be funny in the hallway?

Speaker 1 Honestly, okay, so there's a school shooter. If one of us, if you and I are cops, right? But if he did have our podcast in his ear.

Speaker 1 No, but that, look at that.

Speaker 1 You and I are cops. Yeah.
And we're in the school. All right.
So

Speaker 1 you're hearing kids crying

Speaker 1 and gunshots. It's bad.
This is awful. Right? Yeah.
So what would make us laugh?

Speaker 1 Yo, I would.

Speaker 1 I mean, we're saying. Would you laugh? Yeah.
We're like, all right, boys, we got to go. We have to flank in the side door.
You have to move in slowly. Bob, I want you to stay down.

Speaker 1 We'd lose it.

Speaker 1 We'd start shooting each other, laughing.

Speaker 1 Terrible. Yeah.
It's fucking awful. That's awful.
Disgusting. It's disgusting.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you about a story that I just read? Yeah. Of course.
So I listened to Sword and Scale, and I listened to this last night. It just blew my mind.
Listen to what? Sword and Scale.

Speaker 1 It's another podcast. Sword and Scale.
Sword and Scale. Okay, let's blank it out.
I don't want anybody. We're not promoting it.
Okay, anyway. So,

Speaker 1 do you know who I've heard of a guy named Michael Hahn? Michael Hahn? Yeah, I think that's his name. Is he a murderer? Is this another one of your crazy murderers? Who is Michael Hahn, bud?

Speaker 1 Maybe that's, I got the wrong name. So many whites.
I think I got the wrong name. Oh, you know what? I looked up? Look up.
Well, he's looking that up. Look this up.
Look up

Speaker 1 names and color. You know, synesthesia when like

Speaker 1 words are color? There's a website you type in your name to see what colors your name is.

Speaker 1 You know what synesthesia is? Synesthetic? People that can see color and like taste sound and shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've done acid.

Speaker 1 Matthew Hahn. Matthew Hahn.
Matthew Hahn. Matthew Han.
Look at this, though.

Speaker 1 Go to that synesthesia. Look at that.
Type in one of our names to see what they look, what colors we are.

Speaker 1 There's like a generator. All right, let's type in, let's type in Juicy.
Don't type in Juicy

Speaker 1 because she's not Juicy anymore. Who are you now? Just Jesse?

Speaker 2 Jetsky.

Speaker 1 Jetsky. Type in Jetsky.
Well, that's nice colors. Nice colors.
Really? A little purple, yellow.

Speaker 1 How about my

Speaker 1 Bobby?

Speaker 1 Yeah, those are my fucking colors, all dark. And one little red.

Speaker 1 One yellow.

Speaker 1 Island.

Speaker 2 Kind of, it looks like a minion turned up on the side.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Ooh, Andrew.
Whoa. What am I? I'm like the gay pride flag.
I'm like one of those. I'm like the LGBTQ plus flag.
Kind of the Belgium flag colors. A little bit.
Yeah. A little bit on the right.

Speaker 1 How about Rudy? Well, do Juliana. Do her real name.

Speaker 1 Ooh.

Speaker 1 Ooh.

Speaker 1 Portugal. Portugal on the right.
Yeah. Portugal on the right.
And on the left, it's...

Speaker 1 That's like the Nazi party, isn't it? No, no, no. What's on the left?

Speaker 1 I think that's the neo-Nazis. Yeah.
Purple, black, and white. Isn't that neo-Nazi flag? I don't know.
Neo-Nazi flag, by the way, this is great. I love this his computer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's it. Yeah.
That looks exactly like Jack. Yeah, that's Rudy's name.
Aren't those the comedy star colors?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they are. They are.

Speaker 1 All right, can I tell you about Matthew Hahn now? Matthew Hahn, can I tell you about Matthew Hahn? I love you, Juice. Ah, sorry, not Juice.
Matthew Hahn. Damn it.
Do you get him? Yeah. The burglar.

Speaker 1 The burglar. All right, so check it out.
So this is what happened. So you know how we have this,

Speaker 1 you know, with the three strikes rule in California? Yeah. Right.
Yeah. So this dude had two strikes already as a burglar.

Speaker 1 He's been in prisons for a long time.

Speaker 2 What's the three-strike rule? Three burglars here in prison.

Speaker 1 And then you get like, I think if it's three felonies,

Speaker 1 you get a long time.

Speaker 1 You get like three steps. California's three-strike sentences law was enacted in 94.

Speaker 1 The essence of three-strike law was to require a defendant convicted of any new felony having suffered one prior of a serious felony to be sentenced to state prison for twice the term otherwise provided by the crime.

Speaker 1 Holy fuck. So if you fuck up three times, you're fucked.
So he had two strikes during a check it out. So one night, he's pretty good.
You know, a couple years, he started doing math, this and that.

Speaker 1 Oh, good boy. But then, like, his friend killed himself.
So he's like, he goes, slips back into meth addiction. And now he has to steal more, right? And he already has two strikes.

Speaker 1 So he cases this house. Check it out.
This is crazy. This is crazy.
Cases this house because he heard that there was like a three-wheeler that he wanted to steal there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I got loves three-wheelers. Yeah, he couldn't find it, right? And it's like three in the morning, and he's walking, and he sees like a bungalow in front of a house, and the door's open.

Speaker 1 And through the window, and the lights on in it, right? There's no one in there, though. And he sees a safe, like a little safe.

Speaker 1 So he just runs in there, grabs a safe, gets in his car with his body, and they just drive off. Early in the morning, he opens the fucking safe, and there's six soiled

Speaker 1 diapers in there.

Speaker 1 In the safe. Imagine breaking off.
I'm going to get McMillian. There's six soiled diapers.
I can't tell you how many times I've done this.

Speaker 1 Right, six soiled diapers, right? And then a packet of fresh diapers, like a little packet like that, a gun, and then some sort of like internet, what do you call that? A memory.

Speaker 1 A USB stick, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I already know where this goes. What? The guy was into kids stuff or something.
Right. So he puts it in there, right? And it's him, this guy with a three-year-old girl.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Listen to me.

Speaker 2 I thought it was a prank the whole time.

Speaker 1 Listen to what his predicament was now, right? He's like, do I turn this guy in? Yes.

Speaker 1 Or do I go to...

Speaker 1 That's three strikes. Turn him in.
Oh, turn him in. Oh, no.
Well, let's make up our own version. Are you going to tell me more or no?

Speaker 1 Does he do it? Well, you want to know what he does? Well, yeah, I'm not. He does it, obviously.
He turns him in. He does, and then he gets a massive, like, 50-year sentence.
What?

Speaker 1 Well, that's not fair.

Speaker 1 No, but then what happened was. Oh, by the way, you just stole a safe.
See, that's a slap on the wrist. Yeah, but it's a third strike.
But the prosecutor knew

Speaker 1 about his story. Uh-huh.
And so the prosecutor went to newspapers to do articles about the guy. Yeah.
And then there was pressure, and then he got like seven years. Good.
Yeah. That's great.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. By the way, this is the better twist.
So, what do you do? If I'm him, if I'm the burglar, and I just need, I'm just thieving. By the way, this is the problem with that.

Speaker 1 He's probably just stealing bullshit just to get more meth. And as long as he's not hurting other people, you're like, ugh, dude, he's just stealing shit because he's a drug.
Exactly. Exactly.

Speaker 1 But if I was him,

Speaker 1 I'd go back and I'd kill that guy.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 I would 100% kill the guy who's doing stuff with kids, kids, I'd murder that guy on site. Yeah, but now you get life in prison.
I'd get away with it for sure. I'd plan it.
And by the way,

Speaker 1 by the way, I'd leave all the evidence out so when they do find this nasty guy's body and me riddled it up with holes, then they find out he's a perv McGurv.

Speaker 1 And I'd leave the USB plugged in on a computer so they'd see what he's doing. So then no one's going to try to find the murderer.
They'd be like, this guy, fuck this guy, who cares? Right.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Wouldn't I get away with it? Yeah. Because what cop is going to be like, we got to investigate who killed this pervert.

Speaker 2 Nobody fucking cares. They wouldn't suspect you anyway, because before that, you were just a thief.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 I was just a thief. I'm not a murderer.
You can't fuck the guy or anything after leave any DNA.

Speaker 1 You just got to kill him. I don't know if I could do that.

Speaker 1 I got to have to kiss him. I always kiss him.
I know you do. I know.
Everyone I kill him. I kill a twist.
I know. If I kill him, I kiss him.
I know. You can't leave DNA.
I don't.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Can't leave any DNA. Please don't.
That's so fucking gross. That guy should.
He should have just killed that guy. Yeah, you're right.
You're right. I would just have shot him right in the head.

Speaker 1 When he opened the face and he realized what it was, he was just like, what the fuck do I do? You know what I mean? He had to do something. That's like an episode of Barry.

Speaker 1 That sounds like, you ever watched, do you watch Barry? No, I heard it's good, though. It's so fucking good.
But it's shit like that, like these comparable things.

Speaker 1 You're like, he shouldn't kill that guy, but also, fuck that guy. It was kind of the same way with Dexter, right? We're like, you were like, oh, you shouldn't be a murderer, but also maybe it's okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And we know how you like justice with those 18% gratuity added.

Speaker 1 They deserve 20% at minimum. Everyone deserves 20 at minimum.
But the dude's now just FYI. The dude is out.
He's sober for a a long time. He's got a beautiful show.
You should have him on the show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and he also does podcasts. He's really intelligent.
Let's have him on the show. I'd love to have this guy on the show.
Matt, Matthew. Matt Hahn.
Matt Hahn. Right.
You like him.

Speaker 1 It kind of sounds Asian. Matt Hahn.
He's white. Is he? Yeah, but he's like a cool guy.
I've been seeing interviews with him, and it was just like, it's just an insane predicament.

Speaker 1 What were his other thiever thefts? Just because he would, his.

Speaker 1 What were they, I'm saying? Were they really? I don't remember what they were, like, just money.

Speaker 1 What thievery are we okay with morally and ethically in this room grocery store yeah grocery store i'm okay with comedy store comedy store when it comes to big corporations i'm like take it take it take it take it take it fuck whole foods fuck amazon same same thing fuck anything big box chain fuck costco steel target steal kmart walmart steel steel sometimes though in target they'll get

Speaker 1 people who are selling their product to a bigger thing they've already sold them though they've already sold target once you're in target you made a big bank okay good yeah Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then it's on Target.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. But it's already in Target.
They've already paid you. Target suffers a loss.
And it's small business, though. I like stealing from mom and pop stores.
No,

Speaker 1 that's my favorite. I want a little pain.
No, that's fucked up. You can only hurt the big box.
But you know who I always wanted to write. I'm cool with robbing a bank, by the way, for the record.

Speaker 1 I think bank robbing is tight. I think it should come back.
I love it. It's just, it's so a lot can go wrong.
But don't hurt anybody. Just get the money.
Good luck. Yeah, but

Speaker 1 because I would have to do the grenade thing.

Speaker 2 The grenade thing?

Speaker 1 Like, hold this grenade and don't let it go. Oh, you pull the pin and hold the thing.
Yeah, yeah, hold everyone, give it to me. I would give that to you.

Speaker 1 If I saw you in the bank, I'd immediately be like, watch this. I'd be like, hold this.
And I would just give it back to you, no? And I'm like, ha.

Speaker 1 Get out.

Speaker 1 Get out.

Speaker 1 Two dipshits died while robbing a bank.

Speaker 1 But I would do the grenade thing. What else would you do? Grenade thing's good, no? It's really good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't let this go.
Don't let this go. Yeah.
Otherwise, everyone in here goes.

Speaker 1 But if I would rob bank, I'd walk in with a real baby. A real baby.
Not mine.

Speaker 1 Someone else's baby. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Higher standards. And don't move or the baby gets it.
Oh. I'm a kindergarten teacher.

Speaker 1 I'm off my shift. I'm on my nap time.
Don't move. I'd bring in a baby and I'd go, do you want this baby to live? Yeah.
But it's not my baby. You have to bring race into it.

Speaker 1 It's got to be a white baby. Value? Is that what it is? I don't know.
Do you think?

Speaker 1 I'm just asking. I don't think white babies are the most expensive anymore.

Speaker 1 What do you think the most expensive white baby is?

Speaker 2 Any non-white?

Speaker 1 white culture's changed. Culture's changed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Times have changed.
It's a different time. I'm a black baby then.
Black baby. A cute black baby.
Black baby. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I think a mixed baby, and you don't know what it is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 A couple of Canadian baby. A couple of Canadian.
And then that thing is worth as much money as you. I mean, yeah.

Speaker 1 There's an Instagram for mixed race babies. Yeah.
Mixed race babies Instagram.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's wild. People just, but how many followers? More than all of us? No.
243 is really wild.

Speaker 1 Look at that girl right there. I mean, that's a, we bring that girl.
Nobody knows what she is.

Speaker 1 That girl?

Speaker 1 People are like, oh, here's my money. Here's my money.
Take my money.

Speaker 1 Look at how good looking this mixed race baby is. Oh, my God.
Yeah. Look at how good looking this mixed race baby is.
Do you want this mixed race baby to live? Are you woke? Are you woke?

Speaker 1 Are you woke on that woke? Right? Oh, that one?

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. They won't even know they're being robbed.
They'll just be giving it away.

Speaker 1 The bank will just be like, oh, my God, open the vault. Look at how cute that fucking kid is.

Speaker 2 What about a baby with Down syndrome?

Speaker 1 We'll be right right back.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's idiotic. That's a pretty good.
So, I would bring grenades. You and I are robbing a bunch of.
I brought in a baby. I bring the grenades, right? What else? You guys are a.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you are the getaway driver.

Speaker 1 What kind of car did you get? I got a

Speaker 2 Toyota Prius.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we do want to save the environment

Speaker 1 while we're robbing banks. You know, if we told her to get a fucking car and she got a Prius, we would be angry.
Non-tinted windows, too. It's just like bright.

Speaker 1 Everybody can see us sitting at a nice Prius and a stoplight. And the color color is like light green.
It's all green. Like a light green.
It's retrackable. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's all they had at Enterprise.

Speaker 1 You rented it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you use your old name? You wouldn't let me use your Audi. Yeah, yeah.
That's true. We can't let her use the Audi.
So that's what she rented, that thing. So we show up to rob a bank.

Speaker 1 By the way, we're robbing that thing. What bank are we robbing? Can we have a consensus on what bank? What bank do we want to rob the most? Is it Wells Fargo? Is it B of A? It's B of A.
B of A, yeah.

Speaker 1 B of A. Because I feel like they...
Wells Fargo has done some shady shit, though. Which bank has the most controversies?

Speaker 1 Like, Wells Fargo, didn't they get in trouble for like selling off your fucking information and all that stuff? No, they took money from large counts. Oh, we're okay.
Wells Fargo.

Speaker 1 We're stealing from them. Okay, Wells Fargo.
So we're going to rob a Wells Fargo. What part of town, though? That matters.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 It's got to be like, it's got to be. A really nice Wells Fargo.
No, no, no. I think it's got to be in a city where there's a lot of traffic.
A lot of traffic. Oh, no.
I don't.

Speaker 1 Well, no, I don't want a lot of traffic. A lot of people, a lot of witnesses.
No. No, I have smoke bombs.
Oh, you got smoke bombs? I brought the smoke bombs. I had no idea that you had smoke bombs.

Speaker 1 And I won't mix. What color the smoke? What color smoke is? I won't mix my grenades with the smoke bombs.
I'll have them number.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine you get them confused and you're like, hold this grenade.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying.
What color is your smoke? Say it's yellow. Yeah, it'd be yellow.
Me and you have red and yellow? Fucking smoke. Red and yellow going up? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's like our wet bandits moniker. We always leave red and yellow smoke.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So we're thinking, you're really, right? We were at the scene, baby.
And then Rudy, what is she doing to help?

Speaker 2 I'll be a sniper.

Speaker 1 Okay. We're not murdering them.
We're not going to kill anybody. We don't want to kill you.

Speaker 2 But those police are chasing you.

Speaker 1 So you're going to shoot cops now. Now you're a cop killer.
Clue the smoke.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're a cop killer.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Maybe it could be like a marshmallow gun or something. Just to slow him down.

Speaker 1 All right. Like rubber bullets.
That's good. Rubber bullets.
Rubber bullets. Okay.
God, she was so quick to be cool with killing a cop. Yeah, he was.
She didn't even think about it, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She was like, fuck 12. I'll kill the cop.
All right, so we... Now, let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 Would you give a note or would you just do it verbally? I love the note. I love a good note.
Yeah, but you okay, so in line. But I have bad handwriting.
That's the problem. Like, that would be me.

Speaker 1 We, the people, are fed up. Yeah.
We out here. I mean, me, that would be my handwriting.
And I'd give it to the teller, and they'd be like, put the bink in the zag. Yeah.
I'm like, fuck.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I would probably do the yes and no boxes. Oh, can I Robbie? Yeah, can I robbie? Yes or no.

Speaker 1 And then after they filled it up, can I have it back, please? And I have to read it back. Yes.
No, no. You know what I would hand somebody? I'd hand them a magic eye.

Speaker 1 So they have to cross their eyes and go

Speaker 1 to see it says, we're robbing you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a pretty good one. Right.
So we do it, and then do they hand them a bag? Yeah, well, what kind of a bunch of people?

Speaker 1 I don't know how to do this. I've never done this before.
Did we say that to them? We've never done this before. We're just handing you back.

Speaker 1 Do we hand you the bag or do you hand us a bag? Yeah, yeah. What bag do we bring in? I got to get a duffel bag.

Speaker 1 You want a nice brand? You want a fancy one? Yeah, Gucci. You want a Gucci double bag? The rubber bag.
Doce.

Speaker 1 A doce gabana.

Speaker 1 Yeah, big bag.

Speaker 2 Can it say a bag friends?

Speaker 1 Bag friends. I love friends, yeah.
Ooh, Gucci and Adidas combo. That's dope.

Speaker 1 That's the bag.

Speaker 1 Okay, so we got a bag. So our bag is with cash.

Speaker 1 Our bag is worth four grand. Yeah, you know.
You know, we fill it up with like two and a half grand.

Speaker 1 That's true. And we're like, yeah, we go, we go shitty.
Shitty bag. You're right.
Shitty bag. That $10 bag.
Let's say we just get Trader Joe's bags. Trader Joe's bag, fill these up.
Fill these up now.

Speaker 1 And they're like, sir, we only have so many dollars here. The rest is in the vault, and we don't have the access code.

Speaker 2 What do we do? You say, Do you guys do Venmo?

Speaker 1 Can you? Oh, that's smart. Do you guys have PayPal? Can you imagine them scanning my phone trying to get the code, but it's like it's not working? Yeah.
I just, I can't.

Speaker 1 And then as they go to pay me, they're like, what are your last four digits of your phone number? Because it's not going through.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, I don't want to give that to you because then you're going to know. Can I have, I have a fantasy sometimes

Speaker 1 when I go to bed of robbing a bank, but I spend 30 years digging underground. To go up underneath a bank.
Underneath a bank. Ooh, right.
And then, because I don't feel like it's metal.

Speaker 1 I think it's just concrete.

Speaker 1 I'm sure the vault is steel. Yeah, that's the walls.
But in the bottom, I don't think it's... No, I'm sure they do steel all the way.
Yeah, I mean, that's why I haven't tried it because

Speaker 1 I don't want to get to it. Yeah, it's metal.
That's the reason you haven't tried it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But in my mind.

Speaker 1 I actually spends 30 years digging under a bank only to realize it is, of course, steel. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's you, El Chapo's tunnel. Yeah, so I feel like if I dig up there, it's concrete.

Speaker 1 Let's just say that it is concrete. Yeah, and you can dig a hole, right? And I wait for like Labor Day weekend when they're not open.
Right. How are they open?

Speaker 1 Bank holiday. Yeah, bank holiday.
Right. Right.

Speaker 1 And I go in there and I steal everything in the vault. All the money.

Speaker 1 And then here's my other fantasy. Right.

Speaker 1 On the bottom of it,

Speaker 1 in the tunnels, all the way on the tunnels, I'll put mines.

Speaker 1 so it explodes no so no one so so so i'll dig 30 years to get to the fucking thing take the money take the money out right and i'll have carts and stuff right and then i'll put mines down why

Speaker 1 because when the cops see it right it'll just take them longer right they'll go oh this whole tunnel is mine so we have to be very careful because we don't know where it's leading because my tunnels are also going to go zigzagging oh you want to make it real complicated right so then when they look this way they just go right or left they don't know where the beginning point is imagine you getting lost in one of your own tunnels when you're saving with money

Speaker 1 you just can't get out oh yeah yeah you die in there you spend 30 years digging it but i would i would dig elaborate tunnels like die pack money though that's what happens it explodes what are you gonna do about the die packs what's that so they put these die packs on money when the banks get robbed but they put that in it like when you do a robbery and they oh here's your bag full of money it goes they have die packs and they explode and it fucks up the money kind of like have you ever seen those tags at really nice high-end um clothing stores that like they beep or they they have like a there's like you can hear them ticking they're like little electromagnetic tags you've never seen this or heard this no at really end movie like where do you show well sometimes like high-end clothing stores you can hear the tag the electronic tags they have dye in there whoa what happens is it'll explode and it ruins the garment so it's like worthless anyway they don't have dye in the pack yeah they do yes really dye in them yeah really yes yes that's insane they're these little electronic they sound like ticking bombs do you know what i'm talking about carlos they you can physically hear them like

Speaker 1 you can hear them tick wow die pack is a radio controlled device used by banks to foil a bank robbery dude it's been around since 1965 but if you're if i was some sort of engineer i could create a mechanism right that just puts them off in the store just for fun a banknote that is discolor with security dye cannot be redeemed right of course yeah So you would make an engineering ploy to make it so it wouldn't.

Speaker 1 You say clothing store, right? Like Gucci has a goose. So so I just walk in, press it, and just all their brand new shit just so it gets a fucking diet.

Speaker 2 That'd be badass. That's sick.

Speaker 1 And go, that's for the robbers. But then Banksy would be like, I did that.
And then everything would be like

Speaker 1 $80 billion.

Speaker 1 They just had, by the way, I just saw a sign on the highway. Banksy just did like a sale, like an art sale here in Los Angeles.
Do Banksy Los Angeles sale?

Speaker 1 They had like a fucking gallery apparently that was going on here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, look at this.

Speaker 1 All sold out, right? Like he did a

Speaker 1 closing July 31st. Tickets are still available.
Oh, so you can go watch shit and buy his art.

Speaker 1 How fucking funny. It is funny how he's like anti-corporate, but he's totally fucking corporate as fuck.
Like, he wants all that shit to sell.

Speaker 1 Huh? Billionaire. So much money.
So much money. So much fucking money.

Speaker 2 I feel like that's all of us. Like, everybody hates the rich, but wants to be rich.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't fucking, I don't hate the rich. I hate people.
There's certain people. Do you want to be rich? Yeah.

Speaker 1 How rich? How rich are you? What would you do with the money? I want a house.

Speaker 2 I'd like to buy my mom a house.

Speaker 1 That's tight.

Speaker 2 That's cool. And I want to pay off my car.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And maybe buy some nicer clothes at these ticking places yourself.

Speaker 1 You want to go to a ticket closing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Well, look at what this says. The research says $75,000 a year can buy you happiness.
Will that be enough?

Speaker 2 That's fine.

Speaker 1 That's good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 $75,000 a year. These studies have been going on for years.
They find that these studies find that statistically, typically, the happiest people are

Speaker 1 in a range of income earning. It's usually around like $70,000 to $100,000.
And then those people tend to have the

Speaker 1 on paper statistically happy lives. Like they feel the most fulfilled and they feel that they don't have

Speaker 1 enough where they don't have a ton, but they don't have too little. They feel like they're in a good pocket.
Wow. It's a global study, by the way.
That's insane.

Speaker 1 Look, the global study says $95,000 for life satisfaction, between $60,000 and $75,000 for emotional well-being. But this is based on a lot of different factors that you can't kind of put into.

Speaker 1 But some, I guess, they do think that that's like the optimal number.

Speaker 2 I think I'm in the 12 to 24.

Speaker 1 Really, really? Yeah. That's your marketing.

Speaker 2 Like my whole like living on my own.

Speaker 1 So what would be the number that you think would, and by the way, this is bullshit because it's your net, what is this? Median listing home price was a million dollars in LA. Yeah, it's fucking gross.

Speaker 1 This place sucks. This place sucks.
It's insane. What's the number you think would you be happy with? Like if you made X amount of dollars a year, you'd be like, I'm good.

Speaker 2 I really don't know how to answer that because I don't

Speaker 2 I like would want to buy a house. So I guess a million.
You need a million. you need at least a million.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so there's a million for the house, a million for the house. Well, you want two, you need two million.
Your mom needs a house. My mom needs two million.

Speaker 1 You get a brand new car.

Speaker 1 You would get a brand new car. I like my car, but uh, okay, so two million twenty thousand.
Yeah, two million twenty thousand. A couple of nice tick and clothing stores.

Speaker 2 Yeah, how much are clothes at your place?

Speaker 1 I don't care about clothes. I don't shop at there.
You can tell by the way my wardrobe is pathetic. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But let's just say you want another $10,000 in clothes.

Speaker 2 So I'm just asking for $2,30,000.

Speaker 1 That's it. That's all.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But then you're done. Then I'm done.
Then you're zeroed out. You're okay with it?

Speaker 2 But then I'd like to give back some money too.

Speaker 1 To whom? To who?

Speaker 2 Like other comics up and coming, and they'll probably find a charity.

Speaker 1 No, that's nice. You won't do that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like how you give me $100 in the lot.

Speaker 1 I would do that.

Speaker 2 You're going to see me in, like.

Speaker 1 I've given you $100 in the lot.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're going to see me in 10 years, and some young kid's going to come park my car, and I'm going to be like, do you like money?

Speaker 1 I've said that. Do you like money? Yeah, we we talked about it.

Speaker 1 Can I say this, though? That money that you got is from the improv.

Speaker 1 Okay. Because the improv pays you cash.
Yeah. Right? So whenever I play the improv, I always give that cash away.

Speaker 2 Well, if I knew that, I would have said, keep your improv money.

Speaker 1 She hates the improv. Do you hate the improv that matters? I'm just kidding.
Rudy, how much do you want to make?

Speaker 1 She's already making like $700,000 a year or something right now.

Speaker 2 Yeah. At that bookstore.

Speaker 1 Bookstore's paying a lot of money.

Speaker 2 I just want

Speaker 2 3 million.

Speaker 1 A year. Yeah.
Okay. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 Your mind. Your mind's warped.
You're warped. I love it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think I asked for too little. You did.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you gave them too much. What is this? Gucci knives are $600 a knife? That's a good one.

Speaker 2 That's what you're going to buy with your money? Oh, that's a set of two?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's for one lonely guy. We wanted to know what you guys wanted to make.
And apparently, $3 million a year is fucking. How are we going to do that, Jules?

Speaker 1 How the fuck are we going to make you $3 million a year? That's so much money. How?

Speaker 2 Okay, maybe $3 million, like, in total already.

Speaker 1 For the rest of your life. Yeah.
Well, but we, okay, we were doing yearly. How long are you going to live?

Speaker 1 Forever.

Speaker 2 35.

Speaker 1 You're going to live till you're 35? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So 15 more years. Yeah.
Oh, my God. It's so sad and more.
So

Speaker 1 3 million divided by 15 years, you're going to make 200 grand a year. We could probably get you there, I guess.

Speaker 1 We'd get you there. You're going to die at 35, kiddo?

Speaker 2 Because what if I get hit or something or get shot?

Speaker 1 Who's hitting you? I don't know. Who's shooting you, bud?

Speaker 1 A school shooter.

Speaker 1 They don't really go for fucking community colleges. I feel like they stick to the big.
She's in a new university. CSUN?

Speaker 1 Is Northwestern a community college?

Speaker 2 No, Cal State.

Speaker 1 Cal State? Oh, it's Cal Stridge. Oh, Cal State Northridge.
Is that California? Well, they don't like Cal State School. They don't like Cal State.
School shooters don't do Cal State.

Speaker 2 I don't know. What if I get eaten by a bear or something?

Speaker 1 Eaten by a bear? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which seems unlikely.

Speaker 2 Unlikely. But you'll be out of school by 35.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Not with this fucking brain.
Yeah. Bear attacks are one in two million.
There's no way. No chance.
No chance.

Speaker 2 Shark attack.

Speaker 1 More common, probably, for you, especially because you go swimming out there where they are. Yeah.
One in three million.

Speaker 1 But do some math. What about Filipino girls that go to Hawaii often? Yeah, but that's one in three million.
That doesn't include people that don't go in the ocean. Correct.
Right?

Speaker 1 It's one in three million people. The three million are people in the ocean.
No, I think think that's just one in, you have one in three million chance of getting bit by a shark.

Speaker 1 Some guy that lives in fucking Idaho, that lives in the forest, is not going to get bitten by a fucking shark. He shouldn't be a part of the equation.

Speaker 1 Heart disease then.

Speaker 1 Okay. 39,000 deaths females in the Philippines in 2019.
All right, so you could get heart disease.

Speaker 1 I could see it. Your diet's bad.
Yeah. That's not.
Isn't it? I guess it is, yeah. Yeah, don't you eat bad shit?

Speaker 2 McDonald's. French fries.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what the fuck? That's all. What do you mean? Do you think that's not a bad diet? She makes her own own French fries.
It was terrible the other day. Would you air fry it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I did. And it was really soggy.
It's not good.

Speaker 1 You can't air-fry French fries.

Speaker 1 I think you can. You can't.
Well, oven cook them then. You can oven cook them, but you can't air fry them.
They come soggy. They just get too soggy.

Speaker 1 How do you make crunchy? Google, how do you make crispy fucking French fries in the air fryer?

Speaker 2 You know what's good in a pan with oil and you fry them? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, it's really good.

Speaker 2 That's the best way to make fries.

Speaker 1 It's teaching her a traditional way to make french fries. She's like, just put them in a pan with oil.

Speaker 2 I used to make those all the time.

Speaker 1 Air fryer, set the kitchen appliance at $350. Okay, it says you could do it, but.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Unlike a microwave, reheating fries with the air fryer keeps them crisp. So this is saying it does get crisp in the air fryer.
You fucked up.

Speaker 2 Three to five minutes. I did 10.
No, 13 minutes.

Speaker 1 13 minutes?

Speaker 1 I mean, you overcooked it then.

Speaker 2 But they were soggy?

Speaker 1 They were soggy, not cooked all the way through. I think your fries were cut too thick.
Oh, yeah, it's steak fries.

Speaker 1 Okay. They were cooked.
Wait, yeah, you got to thin them out. We'll switch that up.
That's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I just go to fucking McDonald's. Why would you make it our home? Yeah, you're not going to beat the place.

Speaker 1 You're not going to beat the place that's been doing it right for so long. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are we talking? Best fries in the game, McDonald's? Better than In-N-Out?

Speaker 1 Better than Burger Team? Better than Wendy's? It's better than any hamburger in town now. What?

Speaker 1 It's high-haul. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, they're good.

Speaker 2 Yeah, real good.

Speaker 1 Have you been there? Yeah, but there's so many competitors now. Like, Burgers Never Say Die, all that shit.
There's so many burgers.

Speaker 2 My favorite's Easy Street, and they used to be in a little tent by my house, and now they've moved to Burbank.

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm going to have one one of those right now. Right now.

Speaker 1 You want one of those? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll take you right after this. God, I want one.
We're going to Iowa. That's my favorite.
I'm trying to eat less red meat, but it's not working.

Speaker 1 Fuck it. I don't know what I'm

Speaker 1 trying. No, because I know it's not great for you to eat it so much, but I love it so much, but it clogs up my insides.
I didn't poop for like four days when I had COVID. I didn't need to know this.

Speaker 1 Four days.

Speaker 1 I don't care about your schedule. Also, I don't even know if I had COVID, by the way.
Because I tested positive. You tested positive, yeah.
But then three days later, it was negative.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And everybody was like, I don't know if that's possible.

Speaker 2 Maybe you have monkey pox.

Speaker 1 You might have had it in your poop. It's what they're saying.
Those with digestive systems were more likely to have a positive stool test.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Well, I did put the swab in my nose and then in my shit, and then I put it in my face.

Speaker 1 So that does add up, I guess. Lack of appetite is the most common system.
Oddly, polar opposite. Couldn't stop fucking eating.
Couldn't stop fucking eating. Like a fat fuck.

Speaker 1 I just sat on, I door dashed all day long.

Speaker 1 I door dashed all day long on my fucking couch. What do you get most? Like, if you look at your orders, what's the most? If I look at my DoorDash, yeah, let's go with my DoorDash.
I'll see.

Speaker 1 What do I order the most when I'm not feeling? Well, I usually do it when I'm not feeling well because otherwise I go get stuff.

Speaker 1 But it has your history, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you mine. So, where is your history? Mine goes Morton's, Casita del Campo, Morton's, Casito Del Campo, Casito Del Campo, Casito Del Campo.
Morton's. So you like mixes it up a lot.

Speaker 1 That literally is my thing. Let me hear yours.
Let me hear yours, Jetson.

Speaker 2 I know mine by heart. It's sweet greens or Joe's pizza.

Speaker 1 Love Joe's. Yeah, it's so good.

Speaker 1 Mine is Thai food.

Speaker 1 Thai food, Mendocino Farms.

Speaker 1 Pizza, Thai.

Speaker 1 Goop Kitchen.

Speaker 1 Pizza.

Speaker 1 Goop.

Speaker 1 Sugarfish. Thai.
Indian. Mendocino, Jones.
It's all the same shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, I think when you order food, like, especially during the pandemic, when that's everybody was doing so much of it, sometimes you get it delivered and it's like not good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But then you find your places that do it the best.

Speaker 1 Do it the best. Yeah.
There's places that do the delivery the best. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, listen, I want to announce something.
Okay. Happy to announce.
We're getting married. We are getting married.

Speaker 1 I'm a little excited about it. I have decided I'm going to finally shoot my special.
Yeah. Netflix.

Speaker 1 September 24th. I'm going to be shooting it at the Paramount Theater in Denver.
Tickets should be available by the time this comes out.

Speaker 1 And in the meantime, I'm going to run my hour in a bunch of different spots. I'm doing Salt Lake City September 9th and 10th, and then we're adding dates.
So go to AndrewSantino.com to see those.

Speaker 1 I'll be running the hour. Yeah, I'm taping it.
September 24th.

Speaker 1 I'm nervous. This is going to be great.
I'm nervous. You'll kill it.

Speaker 1 Taping is so stinky. Live shows are so fun, but taping is so fucking annoying because there's so much that makes it look not like a comedy show that you're like, it's just, it's,

Speaker 1 but you know what? I got a good crew of people doing it. This, uh, the same guys that I went and saw Ari Shafir do his taping in New York, and it was fucking beautiful.

Speaker 1 And it didn't look, it, cameras weren't in people's faces. It was like hidden, so nobody kind of knew.

Speaker 1 It kind of felt, they knew it was a taping, but it, you know, there's nothing worse than when you're like a taping and a guy's like looking around a fucking camera stock. And it's just weird.

Speaker 1 Like whenever I did the Comedy Central one, the half hours, we would break they would stop oh in between comics they'd go okay guys we're gonna change some stuff out i was like how are they gonna find this funny they have to like sit there and wait for a new comic for 20 minutes and then that's why i would never do one where it's a series like it's gonna be you joe dore you know i mean i want to do my own when i do one it's gonna be my own thing that's why i waited that's why i did this and i think i'm gonna do mine in the theater or in a round You want it in the round.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow. Because of your body.
You want people to see your whole body? Yeah, and I also want it to be like just kind of stacked. You want it like falling in on you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I want a stacked theater in the round where it's kind of like blood sport. Well, here's the deal.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 September 24th at the Paramount Theater in Denver, I'm doing it. Go to AndrewSantino.com to follow me before that to see what other dates I'm doing outside of Salt Lake City to warm up.

Speaker 1 Me and Bobby are planning a tour right now to do Bad Friends next year. We are going to be coming.
Tell us where you want us to go because we're going to be doing a Bad Friends tour.

Speaker 1 Maybe Jetsky will be there. She'll open all the shows.
Maybe. All right.
Well, everyone, go visit Rudy.

Speaker 1 Go to Andersentium.com and come see me live. And go visit Rudy and tell, say, hey, I'm a bad friend.
And that is going to get you how much off? What's the discount at the bookstore? Five. Five? What?

Speaker 1 Five what? Five percent. Five percent?

Speaker 2 Ten percent.

Speaker 1 You're going to get 15 percent off when you say, I'm a bad friend too.

Speaker 1 Why don't you say goodbye for us?

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.