Bobby vs. Steve Hawking

Speaker 1 Hey! I want to promote a few things. First of all, badfriendsmerch.com, this stuff is on sale.
This great hat. We have shirts.
We got all sorts of stuff.

Speaker 1 Go to badfriendsmerch.com to get any of this stuff. And also, Bobby's excited to let you know that I've got some dates coming up to warm up for my new special.
I'm taping an hour. I'm so excited.

Speaker 1 Aren't you excited for me to do my hour? Yeah. I'm going to Salt Lake City September 9th and 10th at Brea the 13th.
I'm also adding many more dates.

Speaker 1 And the special's being shot in Denver, Colorado at the Paramount Theater. Those stickers are going to be available as soon as possible.
They might be up now.

Speaker 1 Go to AndrewSantino.com, AndrewSantino.com, Salt Lake City, come out, Bray, California. Come on out and see me, AndrewSantino.com.

Speaker 1 I just shot this big goon in the face. Well shot.
What did you do? Or we're playing Raid Shadow Legend. Everyone knows.
Raid Shadow Legend.

Speaker 1 I'm going into my battle right now, and I'm doing the campaign. This is actually very cool.
And then I did that.

Speaker 1 There's four of us together marching through this game. The graphics are actually really good.
They're really good, the graphics. Oh, I just killed

Speaker 1 it. This dragon looks a lot like me.
Yeah? This year, Raid celebrates its third year anniversary. These are my top three champions.
Coronar, Cleopaturks, by Stophus.

Speaker 1 I love that he has a high-accuracy aura for all allies.

Speaker 1 And these are our top three places to play. I play it in the shower.
You play it in the shower places. Yeah, yeah.
You play it while the bunch is jumping?

Speaker 1 I play it when I'm in bed. That's the most time I play video games on my phone is when I'm in the bed or when I'm in the backyard.
Sometimes I just sit outside by myself.

Speaker 1 Basically, what we're saying is you can play it anywhere. It's fun.
Anywhere, anytime. You can do it on mobile or PC.
Yep. It's for both.
It's a great guy. The graphics are insane.

Speaker 1 They're console-level graphics.

Speaker 1 And this month, Raid's got a non-stop schedule of special events and activities, including Forge Past Season 3 with some amazing rewards on offer, including a limited edition artifact set.

Speaker 1 Limited edition! That's not enough. Raid's bringing out some new champions, along with some awesome-looking champion skins for the incredible Medem Siris.
And wait, here's big news.

Speaker 1 We have big news. Raid is giving everyone's favorite champion the upgrade he deserves.

Speaker 1 You might have seen his struggle for awesomeness in some of Raid's hilarious videos, but finally, Death Knight is becoming a legendary champion. It's something we've all been waiting for.

Speaker 1 And I can't wait to see how Ultimate Death Knight turns out, man. There's never been a better time to get started.

Speaker 1 New players, use our link or scan the QR code right here on the screen and get a free starter pack worth almost $30 a free champion. And yeah.
yeah, and also this cool in-game loot.

Speaker 1 You'll find your rewards here in your inbox for the next 30 days only.

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. Do you do you feel better when you get like a white limo driver or a white driver?

Speaker 1 Do you like that more? Yeah, but I don't like it because whenever,

Speaker 1 if they know who I am, it's okay. Yeah.
But sometimes when,

Speaker 1 every time, if I get a white driver and they see it's me, they get bummed right away. Why? Because I look like I don't have money.

Speaker 1 That's true. Last night,

Speaker 1 you did it. Espy's After Party.
Yeah. I don't know.
By the way, did you watch Espys? Steph did stand-up. Sarah Tiana wrote some of his stuff.

Speaker 1 Chris Spencer.

Speaker 1 Who else? He crushed, actually. He's a really nice guy.
No, but he actually did really well at the Espies. Like, he roasted a little bit.
It was kind of fun, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because even when me and Kali did his game show, you know, his wife at Game Show, he was very funny and loose.

Speaker 1 He's a dope dude. He's a good dude.
What? He's very charismatic. Yeah.
He's extremely. That's not your guy, though, right? Spud Webb, that's your guy?

Speaker 1 This guy, he walked in. This morning, he walked in and was like, he's like, man, Tino, did you see what happened with the Pentagon? And I was like, of course not.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And he's like, man, they released. A whole new subcategory.
Tell him what it is. Oh, so you know how they get the UAP task force?

Speaker 1 So now they open up an office for anomalous vehicles that's going from space into the water. So they're trying to monitor everything.
Oh, they go to water now? They've been in water.

Speaker 1 See, that's what I'm talking about. He never even mentioned that.
This motherfucker is

Speaker 1 in water. He's called USO.
Yeah. Unidentified aerial.
Yeah, the movie's called The Abyss. I saw it.
That was good. Yeah.
Do you like that movie? That was a great question. That was a good movie.

Speaker 1 You guys are perfect. Preliminary

Speaker 1 assessment. Unidentified aerial phenomena.
Is this it? This is what the new thing is? Oh, my God. I don't know if that's papers again.
No, no, no, no, don't go to the docks. It's too much.

Speaker 1 No, just type type in.

Speaker 1 You know, he does this late at night. He's on these docks late at night.
It's Doc in the Docs. What a sad world.
Just type in UFO and then click on news.

Speaker 1 Type in UFO news.

Speaker 1 I can imagine Doc with his alien pajamas.

Speaker 1 Right. Late at night.

Speaker 1 Alien pajamas. UFO office.
Pino. Expands.
Mission to transmedium objects. Just reading the stuff.
It's so sad. It's so sad.
The visual.

Speaker 1 Yeah. After only eight months of existence, the Pentagon's office tasked with investigating and tracking UFOs or unidentified aerial phenomena will look beyond the stars for objects of interest.

Speaker 1 On Wednesday, the Pentagon announced that it renamed and expanded the authority of the government's chief UFO office. That's someone just got a promotion.

Speaker 1 Formerly known as the Airborne Object Identification and Management Group, or AOIMG.

Speaker 1 The office will now be known as the All-Domain Anomaly Resolution Office, or AARO-ARO.

Speaker 1 I got to be honest with you. All jokes aside right now.

Speaker 1 All jokes aside.

Speaker 1 This is going so under the radar

Speaker 1 that a piece of me knows they have so much information. Sure.

Speaker 1 Honestly.

Speaker 1 How is this not the front page news that

Speaker 1 they've slid this under Biden has COVID?

Speaker 1 Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like Biden has COVID, like big fucking deal.
Everyone has COVID right now. Literally everybody.
How come we don't hear about that? But also,

Speaker 1 you scare everybody. But Doc,

Speaker 1 you got to do it the way they're doing it because it scares everybody. It should scare everyone.
I didn't know what a galaxy was.

Speaker 1 Because since I met you, I've been Googling things and trying to learn about it. There's 300 billion planets in our galaxy.
Wait, wait. There's 300 billion planets in our galaxy alone?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think so. 200 billion.
Yeah, 200 billion. Yeah.
You're off by 100 billion. That's all.
I don't know, but check this out, right? And then there are 300 million planets that could be like Earth.

Speaker 1 In that 200 billion. Wow.
Right? So, and then that's just our galaxy. There's other galaxies.
So in my head, I'm like, theoretically, right? You're right.

Speaker 1 I mean, the odds, there's got to be other intelligent life on other planets. Right.
Right. We can't be the only thing.
We can't be the only thing. Because we're not that good.
Look at us in this room.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Can you imagine if they can't be a little bit more than that? But that's what they haven't been to.
We're so dumb. You know.

Speaker 1 You know how, like, the last time we were talking about this, and y'all named some of those groups of different species y'all name? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Think about this all right. The tall.
The tall white. Okay.
Yeah. What else? Name another one? The gray people.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Blue man group. Okay.
Man, you're on some bullshit. That's the fucking.
Michael Stipe from Michael.

Speaker 1 100%.

Speaker 1 Michael Stipe.

Speaker 1 You don't think that guy's a fucking

Speaker 1 Vern Troyer was? Definitely.

Speaker 1 R.I.P. R.I.P.

Speaker 1 Definitely was.

Speaker 1 So let's just say this. Let's say, let's pretend right now that those are all real.
They are. Yeah, they are real.
So what that means.

Speaker 1 They're all coming here and they're able to get to us, but we're not able to get to them. It means we're in the middle of something.
That's why we don't

Speaker 1 understand what's going on. Well, yeah, we don't, I don't think we're the end of it.
We're in the middle of it. I think we're just in the middle of something and we're starting to find out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but the theory that they're having a war,

Speaker 1 if you look online, there's like a war between five different alien races, right? Possibility. Who's winning? What? Who's winning?

Speaker 1 You would think that you would walk outside and see a shrapnel of a something. Something.
But they

Speaker 1 like, but there's no sign of

Speaker 1 the distance we are from different solar systems. What the fuck are you talking about? See? But you're saying that they're here.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's no. They've been coming here.
And they are here. They're here now.
They're here. They're here.

Speaker 1 Where are they? Underwater.

Speaker 1 Underwater. Underwater.
They don't want to stay on the surface. Yeah.
Were they in the bases or whatever they got there with the government? No, no, I'm saying, are there any of them walking free?

Speaker 1 Well, amongst us. According to the government, it's possible.
What? Right. So according to the documents, like unaccountable pregnancies, that would be they're walking amongst us.

Speaker 1 This depends on how many women or how many people then had that. If it's if that's true, you know, you understand what I'm saying? So, you're saying women are getting pregnant.

Speaker 1 Are they getting paid in by aliens? You want to call them aliens, whatever you want to call them, yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you want me to call them?

Speaker 1 Well, because they could still be human beings, like you know what your problem is. You think that we probably are the only human beings.
Hey, type in 1977

Speaker 1 Staffordshire U2 on YouTube. So, theoretically, Doc, look at me.
Theoretically, I could be an alien.

Speaker 1 That's possible. Hey, Doc.
That would explain. Hey, Doc.

Speaker 1 That would explain a lot.

Speaker 1 My gray dick? My gray dick, that would explain my gray dick at all.

Speaker 1 Right there, the top one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 1954.

Speaker 1 Before women could. Standard chairs had a whole

Speaker 1 flying saucers.

Speaker 3 Spots in the sky, lights in the sky, strange things. But the strangest of all was seen one day over this cottage.
Mr. and Mrs.
Rustenberg were living there, quietly, out in the country.

Speaker 1 And, well,

Speaker 1 I believe there's nothing that's going to come out of this.

Speaker 1 This woman escaped, Eastern European, the block,

Speaker 1 came to fucking wherever she was. This isn't England now.

Speaker 1 She made it out alive. But, dude, 1954, look at what she's wearing.
That shirt. By the way,

Speaker 1 she's 28 years old.

Speaker 1 She's in really bad condition. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's hear what she says.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you something. I could tell you.
You would fuck her before you'd fuck me? Of course. I would give it to her in a heartbeat.

Speaker 1 Maybe you're just behind her ears and just without the accent, though. If she wasn't British, I smell.

Speaker 1 Before this guy, of course. You're fucking dumb.
You're dumb, bro. What would care?

Speaker 1 You would fuck her before you fuck Andrew. Anybody.
Me dudes. Look at me.
I'm taking that pussy, bro. You're gonna look at that.

Speaker 1 Gross. All right, let me see what you say.

Speaker 1 Tell me what you saw.

Speaker 4 Well, this was one ordinary day.

Speaker 4 I was waiting for my husband to come home from work, and my my two sons went to Seifer to school and I was getting changed and I heard this terrific noise.

Speaker 4 It was just like a giant cauldron of water being poured onto a fire. A sh sort of noise, you know.

Speaker 4 And my first reaction was, oh, the children, I thought maybe a plane was crashing or something like that.

Speaker 4 And I

Speaker 4 slipped my jumper on and went outside to find my two sons lying flat on the ground in the garden in front of the house, shouting, Mommy, mommy, there's a flying saucer.

Speaker 4 Well, naturally I just thought, come on, don't be stupid.

Speaker 4 Come in the house. But felt sort of a strange sensation.

Speaker 4 Wended my way up the side of the house to where we had a pump, where we used to get all our water from,

Speaker 4 and

Speaker 4 automatically looked up to see this,

Speaker 4 all I can describe, this huge Mexican hat.

Speaker 2 It was stationary, this thing.

Speaker 4 Wow. And it was bright sunrise.

Speaker 1 She saw a sombrero.

Speaker 1 She saw a sombrero.

Speaker 1 I was looking at that with a sky.

Speaker 1 And the clouds parted? Yeah. And all I heard was...

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? It was Mexican aliens.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Bro, that's the alien she's talking about. She's talking about immigrants.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying that her shit is real, but I'm not. She's not in Brexit.
I don't I want to show you. Listen, okay.
So you watch this shit late at night? No.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Three in the morning. This is alien pajamas.
This is porn. You're putting it on the wire.
You're watching this shit at three in the morning. No, here's the thing.
Dude, get on Tinder. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Listen, man. Get on Twitter, please.
You're losing your mind, bro. I've been seeing this.
This was after I watched the scientist and his approach on the whole situation.

Speaker 1 And he was about to collect the information. So he said, it's not about what Bob Lazar, if it proven him real or fake.
He just wanted to hear what he said.

Speaker 1 And he said, after listening to him, he was convinced. That's my approach.
So I said, okay, let me try to listen to some of this shit.

Speaker 1 This shit sounds crazy, but I'm just saying this just because we were talking about pregnancies and

Speaker 1 y'all were saying about aliens, but I'm about to show y'all that the aliens could be these. Go ahead and show these motherfuckers.

Speaker 1 Wait, what? Watch more? There's more?

Speaker 1 Well, just listen. She's about to explain.
She's about to get to the part where she's about to tell who was in the vehicle. Okay.
I don't believe her. I don't believe her.
Okay, but I'm just...

Speaker 1 She She said it looked like a Mexican hat. Yeah, yeah, at that.
I'm done.

Speaker 1 That's her only description. Yeah, yeah.
Listen, I'm not saying I believe her. I'm saying that there's a possibility what she's saying could be true.
Facts. Now, play them all the fuck.

Speaker 1 We had a dome.

Speaker 4 A dome. It was tilted

Speaker 4 to sort of...

Speaker 4 I could see the occupants in it.

Speaker 1 You saw people in it. I saw people in it.
Stop, stop.

Speaker 1 You're telling me these people have the unimaginable technology to fucking come to worth

Speaker 1 in a saucer yeah but they've got a dome and you can see inside who's in it and they're going

Speaker 1 get the fuck out of here

Speaker 1 get the fuck out of here yeah yeah get the fuck out of here hello you think you would let they would let you see them yeah they wouldn't do that no it'd be like one of those if there was a window one of those fbi interrogation windows where it's like one way a little slit you can't see in they can only see it hello how are you yeah we have big heads.

Speaker 1 Sorry. And her, she's playing it like the Jetsons with the bubble, like

Speaker 1 that's insane. It's insane.
Why would they let you see them? And then they would come down in a saucer. Otherwise, they would come down and make a big fucking stink anyway.

Speaker 1 But how come they disappear all the time? If you hear about the majority of the saucers back then, that's what they were. They had clear dome.
So, oh, they're a clear dome. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, so they've advanced their own.

Speaker 1 Mm-hmm bullshit. Y'all know.
Yeah. Yeah.
According to. I ain't saying none of this shit is real.
I'm just saying. Okay, let's hear what this woman has to say.
There were people in there.

Speaker 1 There's people.

Speaker 4 These people

Speaker 2 were beautiful people.

Speaker 4 That's the only way I can describe them.

Speaker 1 Stop.

Speaker 1 Stop. So let's stop for a second.
Stop. So they look like Brooke Shields and Steve McQueen waving.
Hello.

Speaker 1 We're the beautiful people.

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you saying? They're beautiful people.

Speaker 1 Now, is your assumption that they have taken our form because they can see us and they can be aware of us? No, I mean, no. it doesn't.
What I'm saying is, is you're in your minds, right?

Speaker 1 You would think that we're the only ones made here that look like us. And that doesn't have to be the case.
I think that we're the only ones that look like us. Are you fucking kidding me?

Speaker 1 Can I just ask you something, right? Yeah, I think we look like us. That's it.
Yeah, when people are telling me stories, I look at the person first and go, what is this guy's credentials?

Speaker 1 I mean, do I know this person? Like, if Lex Friedman

Speaker 1 pulled me aside and goes, listen, dude, I saw it. He described it.
I would be like, you know what? Lex Friedman is one of the smartest guys on planet Earth. Yeah.
Right. He was a goddamn dummy.

Speaker 1 Who? You. Why? Because

Speaker 1 of a goddamn dummy that he could be lying to you. And you going, just because that's his job, he's a scientist.
That don't mean he's not one of the smartest people in the world.

Speaker 1 That's what the fuck he does. He's just a scientist.
You think Lex is smarter than you? No.

Speaker 1 He just do science. That's all they do.
This shit is crazy to me when people put scientists on this level that they shouldn't.

Speaker 1 It's fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 Dude, he's about to tell us.

Speaker 1 about to literally be like, and they're out here telling us Darfkin How to win.

Speaker 1 It's like that black, you know, the demon COVID lady that Trump was using, that one doctor, right? Yeah. Like, you would go to her.
That's your family practitioner.

Speaker 1 Doc, there's some people with credentials. Doc, you think because he's a scientist, he's not this fucking guy.
No, I'm not saying that.

Speaker 1 But what I'm saying is, is he's just taking that guy and saying, if he said this, I would believe him.

Speaker 1 Because I know him. I know him.
It doesn't matter. That's because you're a little bitch.
I don't know her.

Speaker 1 I'm a bitch, because I don't believe her.

Speaker 1 Let me get my little bitch ass behind the guy that I think is so smart.

Speaker 1 He's not smarter than you. That's just his job.
Timeout. Timeout.
If you were in the science, you would be doing it. If you were in the science, you would be there.
But we're not. We're podcasters.

Speaker 1 I don't know how to do it. We don't have to do science.
I don't know how to do science. Okay, what has ex-Freedman created?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't even know.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 He's a fucking science teacher, just like anybody else. You can do that shit.
No. No science.
He's so angry for it.

Speaker 1 I hate the people who are saying that. I'm putting scientists or different people in these positions saying they're not.

Speaker 1 This is a Lex Friedman.

Speaker 1 Time out. Just stop the yelling because we're talking over each other.
But I do want to say this. And I'm making this announcement to the fans, to Bobby Lee, to the crew, and to Doc.

Speaker 1 I want Lex Friedman on this show

Speaker 1 to go toe-to-toe with you

Speaker 1 on who's smarter. Because you just said, Do you think Lex is smarter than us? And then I said, We can get him on the street.
I think he is smarter than me. And you said, Why?

Speaker 1 Because I know he's smarter than me. Yeah.
In what way?

Speaker 1 Robotics. Yeah, engineering.
But that's what he does for a living. Yeah.
Yeah. I don't know how to do it.
I don't know how to do it. But here's the thing.

Speaker 1 Even if he caught me, I wouldn't be able to comprehend. He could do step-by-step lessons with me.
I'd forget the moment you asked me. Exactly.
How many people know how to do what you do?

Speaker 1 What do we do? What do we do? You're stand-up comics. You can't just do it.
This is an accident.

Speaker 1 We're idiots. We're dumb-dumb.
This is goofball weirdo shit because we're fucked up in the head. The first year, my first year was wet farts into the mic.
So funny. It was a very good shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. But that's all I know how to do.
We're stupid, weirdos. We're brave.
We're brave. We're brave.

Speaker 1 We're dumb.

Speaker 1 You're elevating them, and you shouldn't do that. So we should bring them down.

Speaker 1 They're right and on level with you. There's no difference between them.
I don't know about that. So who's above you?

Speaker 1 All right, so who's above me then, intelligent-wise?

Speaker 1 I don't feel like nobody is. Depends on what you do, it's what you do.
So, you're going to be

Speaker 1 Stephen Hawking. Me and Stephen Hawking are the same intelligent-wise.
Yes, you can be, but you're dumb because you feel you're dumb, and you act dumb because that's how you feel about yourself.

Speaker 1 I don't feel like I'm dumb, I don't feel like I'm dumber than Alex Lex. I don't feel like that.
I just feel like that's what he does.

Speaker 1 Do you think you're as intelligent as Stephen Hawking? Yes,

Speaker 1 It's insane. I love it.
So, no one is smarter than you? No.

Speaker 1 This is what I feel like.

Speaker 1 This is what I feel like.

Speaker 1 If you're talking about on the scale of what that profession is, he's way more intelligent. Let's remove the professions.
Stop with the professions.

Speaker 1 Let's take Stephen Hawking away from his job as a fucking

Speaker 1 molecular

Speaker 1 mechanist. Because you only know him as a scientist.
Okay, but let's just talk about it. What about it? In terms of getting sick, for example?

Speaker 1 If you're a smarter, you get sick, you get COVID, for example, more times or less times. Okay, fancy.
Taking shots.

Speaker 1 Did you see what he just did? Yeah, he just did that. Yeah-huh.
What did you say? Something. Never mind.
Yeah.

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Speaker 1 Look, I do not like cooking. I hate it.
Because I don't know what to do. This is so easy.
It gives two idiots like us step-by-step recipes. I'm a moron.
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Speaker 1 I don't know. Doc, let's suppose, right?

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 There was a zombie apocalypse. It's here now.
Okay, a zombie apocalypse. Oh, no.
Right here. There's 30 people, right,

Speaker 1 that's surviving, you know what I mean? And Lex Friedman and me are part of this 30 people, right?

Speaker 1 Who do you think they would ask to be in charge to get things right? They would go to Lex Friedman.

Speaker 1 For what? In anything. Survival, getting electricity.
Almost anything. Strategy.
Almost everything. Strategy.
If they survive.

Speaker 1 They're going to ask him before me. No, they're not.
Oh, before you? Because you're a bitch. How many times I got to get to him?

Speaker 1 You're a tough guy. I'm smart, but I'm a bitch.
Is that what it is? Yeah, yeah. I'm a smart guy.

Speaker 1 You can't break it down.

Speaker 1 Here's what's going to happen.

Speaker 1 After a long day of trying to rebuild society and build up the wall so the zombies don't kill us all, everyone's tired.

Speaker 1 And at the end, Lex comes up to Bobby and he's like, Will you do like the penis dance for everyone to get the morale up? And you do, and he crushes. Right.
And that rewards him as a higher value.

Speaker 1 However,

Speaker 1 that's not going to make the group go, this is the smartest guy in the group.

Speaker 1 They're going to go, this guy is the most fun. Exactly.
I love this guy. He's the king.
That's my role.

Speaker 1 That's my role. We play our roles.
We're chesters. We're chesters.
What's ignoring? But what you're doing.

Speaker 1 What you are doing, dude? What is your problem? Think about what you're saying.

Speaker 1 I know what I'm saying because they, listen, none of those guys have contributed to science as far as technology and an uplifting. Do you know that I only know that it's teaching facts?

Speaker 1 No, but here's what I'm saying. This is what I'm saying.
Do you think teaching is? I will say Lex, he does build shit. He does build, but he hasn't.
Look, those guys haven't invented things.

Speaker 1 The guys that you think that are really smart are the guys that invent and create shit on their own. So Stephen Hawking with the whole black hole thing and the theater.

Speaker 1 The whole black hole thing, this shit is always getting, his shit ain't even 100%. They gave him a Nobel Peace Prize on some shit that he 100% don't even know.
He just basically go, okay.

Speaker 1 Nah, because they've been showing that his shit.

Speaker 1 But he was one of the first people. Am I right? Am I right? But he was one of the first people to come up with a lot of these theories.
Yeah, yeah. So theorizing is not part of the...

Speaker 1 Einstein was one of the first people that came up with some of the most of this shit. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Is Einstein smarter than me?

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 1 Okay, so there are people then. Right.
No, here's what I'll say.

Speaker 1 We got one. Albert Einstein, guys.

Speaker 1 Not Stephen Hawking, but Einstein, yes. I'll be honest with you.
I'll be honest with you. He wasn't as smart as you.
Oh, here we go.

Speaker 1 He was fucking his own cousin. He cheated on his wife with his own cousin.
Okay. You don't know how good his cousin's pussy was.

Speaker 1 You weren't a fucking round. But what I'm saying is, is he was a, you say he's a genius in science, but as a man, as a, as like an all-around genius and understanding love and connection, all that,

Speaker 1 he's shit. See, there's an intelligence involved in just

Speaker 1 speaking to the mic first. You're going into speaking the mic.
Yeah, we got to. Saying the mic.
I know you're getting passionate.

Speaker 1 What I am saying. You're going into the science, the art, like it's just the science.
It's science. Okay.

Speaker 1 The same dumb motherfuckers that made nuclear weapons that we're having a problem with today. Dumb ass scientists.

Speaker 1 You think you say they smart because they could create the weapons, but they're dumb because they made them.

Speaker 1 They may not have social empathy, right? It's kind of like how sometimes higher intellectual people have are on the spectrum.

Speaker 1 They're not good at social cues or they're not good at looking people in the eye and certain types of conversation rhythmic beats. Right.

Speaker 1 You may be more intellectual when it comes to those things, but as far as the far-reaching things that are much more difficult to compute with the regular brain, they're smarter in science.

Speaker 1 Yes, but science is almost everything. What do you think everything is? Everything is fucking science.
But they don't have, they're not. You are science.
This is all science.

Speaker 1 They don't know all science. They just know the area that they are.
I know, but you know none of it. And they know.

Speaker 1 I know some of it. I don't know everything.
But you know what I mean. They know one thing very well.
I know what you're saying.

Speaker 1 We are intellectually superior when it comes to comedic rhythms, timing, thought processes. Right, but that's an almost unusable skill.

Speaker 1 It's unusable. Outside of what we do, in another society, it wouldn't even be functioning as a joke.
Like 100 years ago, if I lived in Korea, right, and I was, my families were rice.

Speaker 1 I'm back in Ireland. He's in Korea.
Yeah, yeah. We heard rice.
And I'm a potato farmer. Yeah, right.
And I'm cracking jokes in the field. Yeah.
That's it. That's it.
That's what I'm doing.

Speaker 1 I'm running a day in the rice field, right? But if I was Let's Friedman, I'd be in the government. Well, you'd own the rice field.
Yeah, I would own the rice field.

Speaker 1 By the way, you collecting rice, cracking jokes. Oh, my God.
That's so fucking funny.

Speaker 1 We need to do a movie where it's like dual worlds happening, and I'm in a potato farm.

Speaker 1 And I'm stuffing potatoes in my ass to get a laugh. And you know how those rice petty hats?

Speaker 1 When I'm doing it, if you had an aerial view, you could see the hats go up and down because I'm killing so hard.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? But that's all I'm good at. How many bushels did you pick? I killed today.

Speaker 1 I trust the rice field. Yeah, yeah.
I know what you're saying. Here's a question.
Here's a question.

Speaker 1 You guys never wanted to be a scientist.

Speaker 1 Am I right or wrong about it? Wait, I'm just hold on.

Speaker 1 This is good. Sit, this is really good.

Speaker 1 Let me just explain something to you. No, I never wanted to.
Let me explain something to you, okay?

Speaker 1 My parents said to me at the age of 16, because I got all F's, right? Like V's and F. For fun, F for fun.
F for fun, right?

Speaker 1 My dad goes, I'll buy you a brand new car if you just get C in biology, right?

Speaker 1 That semester, I fucking studied. I did the tests, right? I got a D.

Speaker 1 Are you serious? Yeah, and I never got the car. You know what's crazy, bro? Okay, so my point is this.
And I remember every night I go, you know what, dude? I am going to fucking study all.

Speaker 1 I couldn't comprehend anything.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And I get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You worked so hard

Speaker 1 so hard to get it to get 10 more points to still not get a car. And I get that.
You know why? Yeah, why? Because you're a goddamn dummy.

Speaker 1 I'm slinging out insults around you.

Speaker 1 But, contrary, you know, sorry, I ain't trying to diss you, but I got locked in juvenile

Speaker 1 and still got a C in goddamn chemistry after I got locked up. That's how fucking smart I was.
I even posted it on Instagram. You motherfucker.

Speaker 1 You see, I guess because I was trying to prove my point.

Speaker 1 And I told him, by the way, I was getting a smart C. Stephen

Speaker 1 No, here's the thing. All I'm saying is, everything is information.
And information is all about your desire and what you want to learn.

Speaker 1 It's just like, did they ask Neil deGrasse Tyson, was he great at math? He said, no. He said, I just love to do the science.
So I learned and I pushed to learn the math. That's all it is.

Speaker 1 Some people have a better comprehension level. Comprehension level is something that's not.
Okay, I would say that.

Speaker 1 Like, physically, there are some people smarter than others because of physically they can't. But just because you're in your positions doesn't mean you're not smart.
It just means that we didn't.

Speaker 1 I didn't say we're not smart. I'm saying they're smarter than me.
Yeah. I'm smart.
They're smarter than me.

Speaker 1 That's all he's saying. Here, here.
I'm tall. NBA players are taller than me.

Speaker 1 They both can exist. But to say that those people aren't smarter than me, I know what you mean.
You're picking out certain scales of intelligence, but there is an over. Okay, IQ.

Speaker 1 IQ is a broad test that shows your level of intellectual abilities to comprehend different parts of

Speaker 1 math, science, social fields, blah, blah. It's everything.
IQ is the basis.

Speaker 1 Stephen Hawking's IQ is higher than yours and mine and his. Probably combined, if I'm being honest.
But what I'm saying. So yes, he's smarter than us.
That's only. There has to be a scale.

Speaker 1 But that's only because that was his. See, also, you have to remember.

Speaker 1 You can't refute the IQ testing. You have no argument back.
It depends on how you were born, where you were, and what you... It just depends on what you're attracted to.

Speaker 1 So if I believe, this is what I believe. You either mean everyone has has the ability to be a genius? Physically, if there are some aliens to this, I forgot.
I totally forgot. I totally forgot.

Speaker 1 We just went into a completely different. Oh, yeah, the lady.
Yeah, the lady. That lady they showed the video.
Who has the highest IQ on earth? Who has the highest IQ alive?

Speaker 1 Despite being a college dropout, Marilyn Voss Savant, that's where the word savant comes from, gained significant attention when her estimated IQ was scored 228, was listed in Guinness Book of World Records in 85.

Speaker 1 Famous for her column in Parade magazine, where she gained critical attention for solving the famous mathematical Monty Hall problem.

Speaker 1 Which one? Who water?

Speaker 1 Monty Hall.

Speaker 1 What is it? What does she build? What is she?

Speaker 1 Oh, my fucking God.

Speaker 1 All I'm saying is. She solved the Monty Hall problem.
The basis in life is so you could just take care of yourself. Eat anything else is what you apply yourself to, right?

Speaker 1 So whatever she does, that's what she wanted to do. She loved doing that.
So

Speaker 1 I'm telling you, you would be great at science. You would be great if that's what you had a desire.

Speaker 1 That just wasn't you. I had a desire to get a C

Speaker 1 to get a car, and it didn't happen.

Speaker 1 I put my desire in it.

Speaker 1 Trust me.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 I hated taking the bus. All my friends had cars.
My desire was pure. 100%.
A lot of desire. A lot of desire.
Okay, I guess I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 Because my teachers used to say I was a potential A student, but I played too much. And that was what I played too much.
And then once I got.

Speaker 1 So why didn't you have the intellectual desire to not play too much? Why didn't I have the intellectual desire to not play too much? You know, grew up different. Everybody has different desire.

Speaker 1 No, because I think that's not your path. I don't think it's meant for you.
Okay, that's right. Because your brain doesn't have that thing.

Speaker 1 I think that bitch, Savant, her brain had the thing whether she liked it or not. We had the comedy thing, whether we liked it or not.

Speaker 1 It was developing it to make it a... career that is the next step.
But this bitch was born a genius. She just had to like.

Speaker 1 Like child prodigies that can play like a Rachmanonoff piece at the age of three.

Speaker 1 I can't play

Speaker 1 a higher level of fucking politics every time. That shit ain't nothing.
Is this Marilyn Savannah? What does all that benefit them? What does it do for them? Oh, I don't know. Change culture, inspire.

Speaker 1 First of all,

Speaker 1 first of all, so many of us. But that's what you do.
You change culture. You inspire doing what you do.
Okay, but so many of our scientists have come along that have fucked. Look at this.

Speaker 1 Fucking Elon Musk 155. This bitch was 228.
That's how smart this woman was. Right.
And timeouts created between the two. The cure and the vaccine.
And you will say polio.

Speaker 1 I'm afraid of a man in the woman's world is difficult for a woman, but go ahead. No,

Speaker 1 I'm saying what science has contributed is we've cured disease. Let's go back to aliens.

Speaker 1 There's no cures.

Speaker 1 So if the government created this other agency,

Speaker 1 this agency to specifically look for UFOs, right, Doc? Do they have an agency for like

Speaker 1 exorcisms and

Speaker 1 that kind of a realm? Like spiritual realms? They haven't announced nothing like that. So there isn't one.

Speaker 1 It's like the Vatican City. Oh, you think Vatican has one? Shadiest place on earth.
It's pretty shady. No, have you ever been there? No.

Speaker 1 Scary. Have you been to the Vatican? So scary.
Why?

Speaker 1 It is its own. I'm going to misquote this.
It's its own

Speaker 1 jurisdiction of everything. They have their own police, their own banks, their own government.

Speaker 1 They don't have to obey to anything. No outside force can influence them.

Speaker 1 If someone gets murdered in the walls of the Vatican, it doesn't need to ever leave the walls of the Vatican. Dude, and I asked one of our tour guides when I went there.
Oh, you were just there?

Speaker 1 Well, we didn't go this time, but I went the last time I went, and I said, Let me ask you a question you're going to find annoying. And she was like, Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I said, How many people do you think get killed or accidental deaths in these walls? And she's like, A few times a year, I think. Something happens within these walls that never makes it out.
Wow.

Speaker 1 A few times a year. That's incredible.
Because who would know? Because you know, the gates are open during Mass. Thousands of people flood the square.

Speaker 1 So if there's beef or there's something going on beneath the surface, if it happens in the square, no one will know. It's like the Da Vinci Code.
It is like the Da Vinci Code. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It is like the fucking Da Vinci Code.

Speaker 1 It's just shady to me, dude. God bless the Vatican.
Good for you guys. Don't kill me.
Don't fucking maim me. But I just, that, that to me, that's alien shit.
That's UFO stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because you know they got some shit in the Vatican. Yeah.
All right. So you set the tone, set the mood.
Set the tone.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, start again. Hold on, start again.
Fancy's got to get ready with his his little fucking camera. Are you ready? Ladies and gentlemen, straight from the Polly Shore tour

Speaker 1 in the Midwest.

Speaker 1 Come.

Speaker 1 Juicy.

Speaker 1 Chetsky.

Speaker 1 Jetsky, Jetsky, Johnson, Johnson, Johnson, Johnson.

Speaker 1 She tickles now. That's her funny.
She's a big ticket.

Speaker 1 She's poking. She's tickling, dude.
What's up, bro? No, she's Polly. She's turned into Polly.

Speaker 1 That's what this is.

Speaker 1 That sounds cool, dudes. Yeah, yeah.
Polly? You sound just like what's up? All right, first of all. It's the juicy.
It's the juices here. The juicy.
The juices here.

Speaker 1 First of all, I got a bunch of DMs. I got a bunch of ats and mentions.
Polly tagged us because he took her out to dinner

Speaker 1 and trying to

Speaker 1 show us up. And you had the fucking nerve to say that his was better than ours.

Speaker 2 I said, that's pretty, this was really good. Thank you, Polly.

Speaker 1 And he said, it wasn't even close.

Speaker 1 It wasn't even the same dimension. It's not even close.
You guys went to Outback Steakhouse.

Speaker 1 What was it called? What was it called?

Speaker 2 I don't even know.

Speaker 1 That's how good it was.

Speaker 1 What was the one that we took you called? Mashed Does. Yeah, you got David.

Speaker 1 Do you remember that? You remember one of the two?

Speaker 2 You ate it, the one we went to.

Speaker 1 Wait, what?

Speaker 2 Michael Jordan ate it, the one we went to.

Speaker 1 Okay, first of all.

Speaker 1 Let me show you something. It's pretty good.
Let Let me show you something. Look up Michael Jordan's Steakhouse, Chicago.

Speaker 1 So Michael Jordan, if you're going to talk about,

Speaker 1 does he know about steaks? He knows about basketball.

Speaker 1 Steakhouse, one of the worst. Let's look up some reviews for Michael Jordan's Steakhouse in Chicago.
Maybe one of the worst steakhouses that ever graced the city. It was.
You went there? Terrible.

Speaker 1 You went there. Terrible.
Yeah. I went there years and years ago.
Give me one review from this fucking. I had one in New York and it closed down.
It closed down. It closed down in Chicago, too.

Speaker 1 It's not even open. Purse stolen while eating eating at table the food was average the steaks are overcooked they also had a blue cheese butter on top that was not that was a waiter too that stole it

Speaker 1 extremely disappointed in this experience i am in chicago starting a new medical residency

Speaker 1 oh my god this guy's a nine-page dissertation anyway michael jordan doesn't know about steaks guy can hoop but fuck steaks we took you to the spot and by the way now that he's trying to trump us We're taking you to Mexico.

Speaker 1 I said, you're getting authentic Mexican food. We're going to Mexico.
Also,

Speaker 1 you said to me yesterday, right, that you have stories about me, right? Things that Pauli told you. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm giving you the platform to run wild with them. What's up, Juice? Because

Speaker 1 you seem like you knew information that's going to embarrass me. Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 2 You guys want to know the juice? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. We want to know.

Speaker 2 All right, all right.

Speaker 2 Well, there

Speaker 2 was a story that he led into by a time he made you cry.

Speaker 1 Okay, what was it?

Speaker 2 Do you know it? No, I don't.

Speaker 1 He's made me cry so many times.

Speaker 1 He's on a specific.

Speaker 2 Oh, there wasn't one. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I will say. I do remember.
Well, let her do it.

Speaker 2 I wanted to see if you knew it.

Speaker 1 I do remember. It was in Michigan.
I don't remember where. Let her do it.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, he wanted to go hang out with you in your hotel room.

Speaker 1 That's not the story.

Speaker 1 That's what he said. No, he goes,

Speaker 1 Did, right? I'm not making a lot of money money on this gig, so we're sharing this room, right?

Speaker 1 And I was in my room. He had walked in with his luggage, right? And I thought he was being real.
And I go, oh, but

Speaker 1 why don't I just take the money you're paying me, and I'll just get my own room? No, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm staying in your. And it was like a queen-sized bed, right?

Speaker 1 And I just thought, oh, this is going to be the worst weekend of my life.

Speaker 1 And I just started weeping.

Speaker 1 Cheers. You said you just started crying.

Speaker 1 What else was going on, bud? No, no.

Speaker 2 Well, he did tell me that earlier throughout the tour, he would lay on top of you.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Which he did to me a couple of times and would yell, Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 Wait, he would just jump on top of you?

Speaker 2 Well, like twice in North Carolina, I would just stay.

Speaker 1 Would you want to tell that story on that?

Speaker 1 No, but he has a way of like, you know, he's not.

Speaker 1 You know, a mean guy. He's a nice guy, right? But he's so eccentric and weird, right? So he doesn't know like social rules or, you know,

Speaker 1 personal space. Maybe he's a genius.
Maybe he's a genius like the people we talked about before.

Speaker 1 He was an absolute gentleman on the tour. And I think Bobby ran or walked so I could run.
Bobby walked so she could run. Yeah.
What does that mean?

Speaker 2 Because I'm kind of following in your path.

Speaker 1 You laid the groundwork. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm a door guy.

Speaker 2 I'm going on tour just like you did.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm leading the way.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and

Speaker 2 he treated you a lot worse than he treated me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you really do.

Speaker 2 He treated me really good. He got us massages.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 That fucking blows my mind.

Speaker 2 We had so many fancy dinners.

Speaker 1 That blows my mind. You were with him on tour 20 fucking years ago.
So

Speaker 1 one time they did, you're paying for this. You had to pay for the game.
Yeah, and I'm like, I have no money.

Speaker 1 I'm like, all right, I'll pay for it, I guess. You know what I mean? Yeah, but

Speaker 1 look at you now. Look at you now.
She's right. Look at you now.
Yeah. So it was a pleasant experience.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it was kind of weird because I thought Polly Shore was like a ladies' man

Speaker 2 and he didn't get laid once. Oh, he's getting old.
He said, because I'm woke and he didn't want to get busted, but I think I got the old Polly.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 you got the shriveled up Polly.

Speaker 1 That one that looks like a turtle.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Frank and I were already like, we're like, I bet he's going to get laid at this one. And again, he's like, let's just go back.

Speaker 1 Wow, it's so sad. And you and Frank aren't, both of you are in a relationship.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
His wife was a little concerned because we were sharing a room the whole time, but she was concerned because of his snoring. So she was concerned for me.

Speaker 1 Not that something would happen. She was like, or his smell.

Speaker 1 He doesn't smell good. Frank Castillo? Yeah.
He's not to me. Why? It just smells like weed, old weed.
Oh, well, he smokes weed. He smokes weed.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you don't like the smell of weed.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, that's a youth.
Did he smell?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 He was great. Do you smoke weed? No, not really.

Speaker 1 Did he smoke in the room? No, no. Oh.

Speaker 2 He had his pens and stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he got to hit that pen. Also, like, she's the way she's dressed, you can tell she just got off tour with him.
Well, yeah, he dresses just like that. The scarf.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I guess he has rubbed off on me a little bit.
That's his literally.

Speaker 1 That's his t-shirt. His face on it.
Yeah, he signed it.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 she's famous. Is that his merch?

Speaker 2 I got the wheasel air.

Speaker 2 Hey, I got something, a little souvenir for you guys.

Speaker 1 Okay, cool. Oh, my God.
This is so amazing. By the way, Doc's been on the show for a year.
Never got one thing. Not one thing.
Not one thing. Never supervise.
But he also doesn't leave L.A.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 That's pretty cool. You could bring us something from Amazon.

Speaker 1 Viator. You know what, Andrew? You know, sometimes I go on vacation.
Yeah, you do. And I just sit in my hotel room because I don't know what to do.
I know.

Speaker 1 You usually don't have anything to do, but I got to tell you, with Viator, it's going to make it easy. It's amazing.

Speaker 1 It's the world's leading travel experience marketplace, offering everything from simple tours to extreme adventures and all at the niche, interesting stuff in between.

Speaker 1 See, some of us say niche, some of us say niche, and that's a niche thing about us.

Speaker 1 They put the critical combination of extensive options, ease of selection, and flexibility at your fingertips to ensure your time on Vekay is wonderfully spent, and Viator is the place.

Speaker 1 Like, I like when I go on vacation, I like simple stuff.

Speaker 1 A guy like you, you like extreme adventures. Very extreme, dude.
I want to jump out of a plane

Speaker 1 with a horse below me. Viator has over 300,000 bookable experiences to choose from in over 190 countries.
That's so many countries.

Speaker 1 I don't even know how to do it. I only know three.
That sounds like a lot.

Speaker 1 They have over 300,000 bookable experiences to choose from. That's amazing.
They're the world's leading travel experience marketplace, and that's why we love them. Right now, tell them how to get it.

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Good.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Are these Paulie shirts? And they're signed? They're signed.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 This is Babby. Oh, this is so cool.
Oh, God. Oh, this is so fucking cool.
And I got cool. Look at this.

Speaker 1 Santina. Oh, this is so fucking cool.

Speaker 1 And you know what he wrote? We should frame these and put them up on the podcast. Look at Eroh.
Look at Eros.

Speaker 1 My sweet ginger. My sweet gentleman.

Speaker 1 They fucking hate it.

Speaker 1 Well, if you guys.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 2 If you guys want to keep on there, 20 for the shirts and 25 for the headshots.

Speaker 1 Dude, you are learning.

Speaker 1 You're really good. This is really fucking interesting.
Thank you, Paul.

Speaker 1 Thanks for watching. We need to have Pauli on the show, bro.
Oh, we would love to have him. If he wants to do it.

Speaker 2 Tour was amazing, though.

Speaker 1 I want to go back. I loved it.
So what places you play?

Speaker 2 Good nights. I met this guy.

Speaker 1 I love Turley Goodnight. I love Raleigh.
Raleigh's great.

Speaker 2 Heffron. John Heffron.

Speaker 1 I love him. Brian.
Brian Heffron. Wait, what is it? The owner, right?

Speaker 2 You're not a road dog, I guess.

Speaker 1 The owner, Brian Heffron. Wait, wait, wait.
John Heffron is a comic.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but Brian heffron is too right yeah if you guys were road road dogs you know

Speaker 2 yeah so that's a cool club uh good nights i played it before good nights was great heffron runs all the comedy zones oh right right right so you went charlotte to that that one we went good nights and then uh comedy zones in uh greensboro

Speaker 2 uh charlotte which was awesome charlotte was this huge room and then uh in greenville the greensboro one was like at appleby's turned into a comedy club.

Speaker 1 Which one was outside? I saw you guys doing it like an outside thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was Silverado's. That was like a music venue.

Speaker 1 Wow. And you do well there, or is it hard?

Speaker 2 It was awesome.

Speaker 1 Every show you killed.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I got way better

Speaker 1 as the weekend went on. As it went.
That's what happens, Fabio. We're getting strong.
That's amazing. Our little jet ski is getting fucking.

Speaker 1 I love it. She's going to be a yacht at some point.

Speaker 1 And then eventually, maybe when we do our bad friends tour,

Speaker 1 when we do the theater tour. Yeah, no, she can't come on the tour.

Speaker 1 Of course, she can come on the tour. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, of course you can. Black magic, black magic has to be on the tour.
You guys have never met?

Speaker 2 No, never. It feels like I've known you for years, though.

Speaker 1 Hey, everybody talking. You both have him from the store? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Look how different he is.

Speaker 2 We worked a lot.

Speaker 1 We worked a lot. Yeah, see.

Speaker 1 See, you know the struggle. That fucked a lot.
God damn it. There's a real lot, Vibe.
I told you that's what you guys had in common. You both are two young black people, and you both worked a lot.

Speaker 1 When you were coming, we told told her that you were black.

Speaker 2 And you believe Jetsuki Johnson was black?

Speaker 1 Can I tell you something? A woman named Jetsky Johnson definitely is a black lady.

Speaker 2 I love that you guys are calling me Jetsky because you, through one episode, single-handedly changed my name to Juicy.

Speaker 1 Well, Juicy is you're still juicy to us. You'll always be juicy in our hearts.
You know that we could come up with a different.

Speaker 1 Do you like that one or should we change it?

Speaker 2 It's just hilarious because I've gained probably over 7,000 followers from that one episode.

Speaker 1 Keep it going. Follow her.
Keep following her.

Speaker 2 From you guys.

Speaker 2 and on the road I'll get on stage juicy.

Speaker 1 No, yes, no be real. Yes, that's awesome.

Speaker 2 It might be you know three out of a hundred or something.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's badass at the store too. Yeah, so can you tell us did you do a joke that did you do a new joke on the road that bombed? Did you have anything that you ate shit on?

Speaker 2 I never, I didn't really like eat shit, but I figured some shit out. Like some premises that I started out early that didn't really have an ending.

Speaker 2 And I would, and Frank and I would, as soon as we were were done, we'd go back and we'd just like work on the bits.

Speaker 1 It was awesome.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I missed those days. That's over for us.
Did you bring a trumpet? No. I like that bit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so I used to do that, and then I stopped because I wanted to be like a real stand-up because I thought having a trumpet in my act was not real.

Speaker 1 It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 But the trumpet, because you let me just see if I get this bit right, right? But you bring the trumpet, right, and you go, this is my rape whistle.

Speaker 2 Yeah, about like eight minutes in. I hold it for about, I don't mention it for about eight minutes.

Speaker 1 And then you go, oh, this is my truck, right?

Speaker 1 And then you play it, right? You go, right, then you play a little tune. Yeah.
And then, well, how does the bit go?

Speaker 2 Like, say you're walking down a dark alley at night and someone's following you and you just,

Speaker 1 rape. Yeah, you hear you.
Hear ye, hear you.

Speaker 1 It's a good bit.

Speaker 2 But like, where do you go? I do some impressions of like

Speaker 2 Louis Armstrong and Miles Davis.

Speaker 1 Do you? Do Do you?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but like, where do you go from there?

Speaker 1 Anywhere you fucking want to go. That's incredible.
And I hung out with your boyfriend a little last night. We had a conversation.
Did he tell you?

Speaker 2 He told me about it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he tried to get me to go to,

Speaker 1 he goes, hey, you want to do this gig in Mammoth?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'm like, okay, let me hear it, right? He's like, yeah, it's a couple hundred seats, but it'll go real well.
Oh, it's actually good. It's at the brewery.
Really? Saramello used to do one there.

Speaker 1 Oh, you know about it. Well, is it still the same? It's at the brewery there in town?

Speaker 2 I think he's since moved it to a i i don't i can't keep track of it it's but it's grown a lot and it's good and you had mentioned that you wanted to play at like smaller alts rooms yeah so i was thinking there's i want to help

Speaker 1 i want to help him yeah what don't you do you and i just that's fun go out there i'll do that 100 just do one couple it's like 200 seats or 300 200 something seats if it's the same spot sarah mellow you know mellow she loves she did a show

Speaker 1 Is it really? It's Sarah Mellow. Yeah, I send her a video.

Speaker 1 She did a show up there that was at the little brewery that's that's there in town in Mammoth, and it was fucking. Oh, yeah, yeah.
It was.

Speaker 1 Do you remember this? It was a short-lived amount of time, but it's a good thing.

Speaker 1 It's fun. Oh, can we share you some of his theories earlier on? Oh, please, right? And this is a real thing.

Speaker 1 He wasn't kidding

Speaker 1 at all. It was sincere, and he argued it to death, right? So basically, did you know that

Speaker 1 me and Stephen Hawking have the same intelligent level? Same.

Speaker 1 Do you believe?

Speaker 1 Go on. Do you believe that?

Speaker 2 Oh, that's the whole theory? Yeah. That's the theory of the level of

Speaker 1 saying that there's no difference between intelligent levels between me and Stephen Hawking and him.

Speaker 1 Essentially, it's you, you're only as smart as the things that you care about to be smart at. That's kind of like if we cared about like quantum physics

Speaker 1 and black holes, that we would be immersed in that information and we'd know as much as Stephen Hawking.

Speaker 2 That's what you that's your theory?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. If you really like, if you love it,

Speaker 1 you put yourself into it. Then I gave him an example of

Speaker 1 yeah, because Neil said

Speaker 1 he wasn't good at math.

Speaker 2 Neil, like the matrix.

Speaker 2 Oh, Neil. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who did you think? Who did you think?

Speaker 1 Neil. Neil said he was awesome.

Speaker 1 Blue color red box. Right.
So he wasn't good at math. So, but he said that he just, because he loved science, he pushed, he was able to go and dive into it deep.

Speaker 1 So that's the thing that I was trying to

Speaker 1 bestow up on them. Like, hey, man,

Speaker 1 if you're in that field and you love it, you're going to become intelligent in that. Just like they, just like

Speaker 1 their style of comedy, there's an intelligence behind that because nobody can do that. What we do is rare.

Speaker 1 So scientists are rare. If you go into science, you're going to know how to do that.
So theoretically, theoretically, if Stephen Hawking wanted to do stand-up

Speaker 1 and his heart was into stand-up, he could do be as good as us. Can I tell you something? That's what he wanted to do.
That's what he wanted to do.

Speaker 1 Welcome.

Speaker 1 I'm glad to be here. This guy knows what I'm talking about.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 We used to do character shows in Arizona where you dress up as a character and do stand-up as that character. And I would go as Nebula Hawking, who was Stephen Hawking's niece.

Speaker 2 And I would write my set out on an iPad and I'd had someone push me up to the microphone and I would hit play and it would play the act.

Speaker 1 That's amazing. That's amazing.
Would it do well? Yeah, it it would kill.

Speaker 2 It was like, while my uncle spent his life studying the stars, I spent my life trying to be a star.

Speaker 1 Do you have a manager? Yes. Who?

Speaker 2 Rachel Williams at Levity.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Jessica. That's amazing.

Speaker 1 Agent? No. Oh.
Asian? Asian? You have Asians? Yeah. Do you have any Asians? I have your Agent.
Just one.

Speaker 1 You need at least one in this time. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, you have a Goldie Hawn, like old-school Goldie Haunt likeability. Okay.
Don't you think she she does?

Speaker 1 I couldn't even comment about that. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 I don't know about the Goldie Hawn's likeability. I mean, I think that's.
I mean, back in the day, she was like, when she,

Speaker 1 what was that?

Speaker 1 She was the sergeant. What was the military one that she did?

Speaker 2 Polly said he's going to take me to perform for the troops.

Speaker 1 Oh, U.S.O.

Speaker 2 Have you guys ever done that?

Speaker 1 Private Benjamin? Yeah, Private Benjamin.

Speaker 1 There you are.

Speaker 1 I could see you as the next Private Benjamin.

Speaker 2 Take me there, Bobby.

Speaker 1 She's like, this is kind of like

Speaker 1 you fish out of water. You know what I mean? I I couldn't agree with you more.
Actually,

Speaker 1 honestly, that is juicy, right? That's juicy.

Speaker 2 Maybe we could call it in the army now.

Speaker 1 Part two. Part two.
Part two. Part two.
Let me ask you some serious questions about Polly. Okay.
Are you a fan of his movies?

Speaker 2 Yes. Now.
I hadn't seen

Speaker 1 any of them. She never saw them.
All right. How old are you? 20? 32.
Oh, you are? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you saw, what, you saw Biodome?

Speaker 2 I've seen them all now.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Son-in-law.
Son-in-law.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I literally just watched them.

Speaker 1 On the road just now, just to catch up.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Because he was like halfway through the tour. He made a joke about one of the movies and then looked at me and he's like, have you seen any of my movies? And I think he felt kind of sad.

Speaker 1 You know, people don't really remember. I mean, dude, fucking Jury Duty and Cino Man.

Speaker 1 So many fucking like huge movies for those times where Polly Shore is dead.

Speaker 2 I haven't seen that one.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He cut me out of that.

Speaker 2 Oh, he's mad at you, by the way.

Speaker 1 Okay, tell me why.

Speaker 2 Because he said that he had this movie idea a long time ago and now that you're like famous you can't you won't produce it it's called capture

Speaker 1 go ahead bobby you want to comment about that

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 can i tell you the movie idea yeah i don't even know i'd love to hear it it's did

Speaker 1 did you could do it as you too Okay, well, that's how he said it to me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, he's pitching it to me.
He was pitching it to me. Oh, go ahead.
Go ahead. Did.

Speaker 1 You're my neighbor, right?

Speaker 1 Right. And you, you know, you're just a guy, college guy, right?

Speaker 1 Just a normal guy, right? How long ago was this pitch? 15 years ago. Yeah, at least.
And he goes, D did.

Speaker 1 I capture you, did. And you're in a well.

Speaker 1 I go, I'm in a well? Uh-huh. You know, like Silence of the Lands, did.
Yep. Right? And I feed you like mochi balls.
Funny. Right.
And I go, okay.

Speaker 1 What happens? We become best friends.

Speaker 1 This is a great movie. I know.
But at the time, I'm like. He feeds you mochi balls and you become friends.
Do you put the mochi in the basket? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, that's as far as he went.

Speaker 1 Maybe I should ask more questions. He puts the mochi in the basket.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And he, by the way.
And he goes,

Speaker 1 I don't know, dude. I think that's a good movie.
You think so? Yeah, why not?

Speaker 1 But to me, at the time, there was like no. Let me put some other parameters around it.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 So creepy, by the way.

Speaker 1 Let me put some parameters.

Speaker 1 Here's like the time period you have to shift to. Okay.
What I think it is, is like,

Speaker 1 let's say there's a fake wartime set up, and

Speaker 1 he's captured an Asian, right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 you're saying this is a period piece. Yes, and you're trespassing on his property.

Speaker 1 He's a guy. I got it right now.
Yeah. He's a guy because he has that like surfery vibe.
See, he's in Hawaii during Pearl Harbor. That's right.
Right? Did. You're right.
Look at all the planes, did.

Speaker 1 And in comes the plan. They're close.
Can you play Japanese? Right?

Speaker 1 Perfect. Right.
Yeah. Well, you play Polly, and then I'm.

Speaker 1 So are they bombing us dude?

Speaker 1 And I'm like,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 your plane crashes on his property, but you live. Well, I'm the worst of them.
Yeah, you're the worst kamikaze pilot. My eyes are not good.
What if your vision is?

Speaker 1 They're slanty, but also I don't have good vision. You have bad vision.
Right. And I'm kind of a little, you know what I mean? What's up? A little off upstairs? Yeah, a little off upstairs.

Speaker 1 So you crash on his property after a missing.

Speaker 1 Oh, I went this way. Right.
And I go land, I crash into his house. Dude, you crashed into my jello pit.
Oh, you're not.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 Emperor Hirohito is a sun god. Oh, bro.
Are you trying to hurt America? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I've got to lock you up. So you become a prisoner of war

Speaker 1 in his wealth. I get it.
I like it. And through connections, you slowly bond this beautiful, loving friendship.
Right. Do you have more of the mochi boy? You like the mochi.
You like the mochi.

Speaker 1 I like one more mochi boy. One more, dear.
Yeah, thank you. And what happens is...

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, that's not a mochi bog. That's my sack.
That's my sack bag.

Speaker 1 He tricks me, right?

Speaker 1 But it's still good.

Speaker 1 So now you're sucking on his mochi bog.

Speaker 1 And then late at night, you share stories about your past and his past, and you find out you have much more in common than you ever dreamed. Oh, what is it?

Speaker 1 That you're both outcast losers and both, and your families never accepted you for who you really were. You tell me story, I see I relate.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay, here we go.
When I was a kid. Well, real quick, quick lick of mojibar, please.
Oh, here.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Continue, pray.

Speaker 1 When I was a little boy, dude, buddy,

Speaker 1 My family didn't like the way I was. So I played by myself in the neighborhood.
And one time,

Speaker 1 I was molested by a mentally handicapped person. Oh,

Speaker 1 me too.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Fatty? My daddy.
He was number one rice maker.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 I don't know if I can relate to that part. No, but I'm going to tell you.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 But he done not think I could rice maker myself. Oh,

Speaker 1 he put me down, like you, right? Right. Right.
Yes. And then one.

Speaker 1 And then my dad would hit me with golf. Me too.
But he hit me with his

Speaker 1 samurai sorro. Same thing.
Same thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Look at this.
This is the tale of two friends. Yeah.
That was

Speaker 1 a Pearl Harbor kamikaze pilot gone wrong. What?

Speaker 2 I think doctors realize how brilliant that was, and that is the same level of genius as Stephen Hawking.

Speaker 1 I'll go do your phone.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's go piss. Go piss.
Yeah. Thank you, Doc.
Thank you, Doc.

Speaker 1 Do you need help to get there? Do you know where? No, I'm good. Okay, good.
Thank you, Doc. Thank you, Doc.
That Pinot is

Speaker 1 next level Pinot. I'll tell you that.
He's on the Pinot. He's gone.

Speaker 1 What do you think of our new captured movie?

Speaker 2 I think it's brilliant. I think that, Doc's Wright, you guys have the same level of genius as Stephen Hawking.

Speaker 1 Maybe we do.

Speaker 2 We do, maybe. So you'll produce it?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 He's going to be awesome. How about this? When you do a rewrite, well, let's rewrite it, re-pitch it to Paul, right? But, you know.

Speaker 1 I'll produce it.

Speaker 1 I think, here's my problem with it, right? I think that, you know, the movie's fine. It's just what happens

Speaker 1 in between the movie when we're shooting, I'm a little afraid of.

Speaker 2 He's different now, I'm telling you.

Speaker 1 Like, he pinches my nipples really hard. Well, you know what I mean? You've got pinchable nipples.
I do.

Speaker 2 He didn't do that to me once. You're a girl.

Speaker 1 He also lays on you. He did lay on you, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but he was showing me what he did to you.

Speaker 1 Oh, guys.

Speaker 1 That's a good way around it. In the past.
This is me just showing you, baby.

Speaker 1 Bobby.

Speaker 1 I never laid on any of my features.

Speaker 1 It was never a thing. It wasn't even a thought, really, to never.

Speaker 2 It was more like he sat on me.

Speaker 1 I've never sat on any of my features. Did you guys do a tour bus or no?

Speaker 2 No, we did a rental car.

Speaker 1 Oh, cool. It's a great experience.

Speaker 2 God, it was so fun. You guys have just been doing this for a long time then?

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's a little different when you're headlining, though.
Yeah, it was. It's not as fun.
Well, the responsibility level is much higher. Featuring, I've always said, is fucking such a sweet spot.

Speaker 1 It's such a sweet. It's not going to last forever.
You obviously want to ascend and have your own thing, but it's...

Speaker 1 It's so fun, man. The pressure is almost non-existent.

Speaker 1 You worry about numbers. You start worrying about like

Speaker 1 selling tickets. Selling tickets.
You start to worry about selling tickets and filling seats. And it becomes a whole thing.

Speaker 1 How much money you can make because you can make enough to take other people on the road. And

Speaker 1 the analytics of all of it, it stinks. But when you're in your spot,

Speaker 1 fuck it. Forget it.
Don't even think about it. You're in your prime now.
Have the most fun you've ever had.

Speaker 2 This is the best time of my life.

Speaker 1 I fucking deserve it, man. It really is the best time of my life.

Speaker 2 It's the best time of my life. Like,

Speaker 2 I look back and I'm glad I have been grinding and all that stuff and blah, blah, blah. But yeah, this is awesome.

Speaker 2 And then I literally just got off the plane from the tour and walked right into the studio here with you guys. Like, it's a dream.

Speaker 1 How fucking party is that? That's amazing. That's fucking party.
That's really funny. That's amazing.

Speaker 2 And we're going to go on tour together.

Speaker 1 We are. We are.
We're going to Mexico. We're going to go to the next tour.
Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 You have to kick someone out. So you're taking someone's seat.
It's one of those two guys in the window. So I think you can guess which one is.

Speaker 1 What? She said that she wants to kick George out after last episode. Yeah, George is absolutely not coming on tour with us.
No, no, no. I'd rather kill myself than have that guy in the fucking bus.

Speaker 1 Are you kidding me? You okay? Yeah, I was holding this shit for about an hour. I said, God damn.
How often do you pee? Do you pee a lot? Nah.

Speaker 1 Once a day? No, I pee about

Speaker 1 maybe four or five times a day. How many times do you pee a day?

Speaker 2 I've never counted.

Speaker 1 How many times do you pee a day?

Speaker 1 Three or four times.

Speaker 2 I feel like I pee way more than that.

Speaker 1 Three times for me. That's eight.
Three or four times, yeah. I piss right in the morning.
Then I piss after I've had my coffee shit breakfast combo.

Speaker 1 And then I probably don't piss again until the after. Like, I'm about to piss in about an hour from now.
You don't drink a lot of water. I drink a fuckload.
I drink a lot of water. Yeah, Yeah, I do.

Speaker 1 But it stays in there.

Speaker 1 The worst, though, is when you're

Speaker 1 sleeping. The boy's got a big bladder.
When you have the key, when you're sleeping and your dick gets hard.

Speaker 1 Dude, my dick's been getting so hard. You know? Because you know that that's a reaction to make sure you don't piss yourself.
Is that really? Yes. Yeah, my dick gets hard all the time now.
At night.

Speaker 1 At night, yeah, yeah. Well, that's also your libido checking in, being like, hey, I'd like to come sometimes.
Is that what it is? Yeah, and you get your cock sending a signal from your brain.

Speaker 1 But also at night, you will get a hard-on. You'll get an erection.
Your cock will fill with blood, so make sure that you don't. You pinch it now.
Well, you don't do that. You don't have to do that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I pinch it hard. You don't have to do that to go, go down, go down.
You don't have to do that. Yeah.
You don't have to hurt it. You can just talk to it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but it doesn't go down if I don't pinch it. You can think about it.
Watch something awful and gruesome. I have to hurt it.

Speaker 1 Isn't that funny that our dicks can fill with blood to stop us from urinating in the middle of night? But like, there's nothing that happens to you.

Speaker 2 No, I just bleed through my vaginals.

Speaker 1 Sick.

Speaker 1 Sick. It's pretty cool.
I don't think that has anything to do with you go having a piss, but yeah.

Speaker 1 Does it affect your mood? Like some girls, it affects their mood. Does it affect your mood? Welcome back to period.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 I get really sad like a week before. Yeah, and I always forget because it's pre-menstrual.
PMS. It took me like a billion years to learn that.

Speaker 1 Did you have an embarrassing period story when you first got your period? Because I know a lot of girlfriends of mine had like a... Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like they always had a shitty first-time story because they didn't know or their mom didn't tell them or they had like a very vague conversation about it. My mom

Speaker 2 told me about it and was so cool and got me like, you know, a variety of supplies. Yeah, that's nice.
And it was just confusing. And I told her afterwards, I was like, I'm just glad it's done.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she said, you know, this is going to happen every month, right?

Speaker 1 Forever.

Speaker 2 And I was like, what?

Speaker 2 I thought it was a one and done. Like, you get it.
And then the reality of the world set in on me.

Speaker 2 But it was hard to get a hold of it. I remember being in class and like, oh, I guess it started.
And getting up, there's just blood on my seat.

Speaker 1 Why? And I just gotta shuffle out of there. I remember that story a few times.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Imagine if just blood came out of your dick once a month. What do you mean, imagine? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. This happens all the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, it would fucking blow.
It would just be terrible. It would be so sad.
Yeah. It's an extra thing to think about.

Speaker 1 Imagine if it came for guys if it just came out of your mouth if you just were talking. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. If you just started bleeding, if you're like, yeah, we're going to go to blah blah blah.

Speaker 1 Just blood started pouring. You're like, I'm so tired.

Speaker 1 And then you have to see cotton in your mouth. Yeah, yeah.
And you're like, my bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's fucking awful. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But sometimes I kind of like it because I will like, I'll like, the pain, I think I kind of have a high tolerance for pain. And so like, I'll start to kind of hallucinate a little bit.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 2 But not in like a dangerous way. Like, I don't think it's like a...
Whoa. But you know, when you're in pain sometimes?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you mean like from the blood loss?

Speaker 2 No, like the cramps.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, the physical pain, the physical pain. The physical pain.

Speaker 1 And you don't take anything. You don't take Advil or fucking mocha.

Speaker 2 No, I take this stuff that my stepmom, she's like neopathic, so she sends me some stuff like

Speaker 2 essential oil.

Speaker 1 Well, tell the girl fans what it is.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of chick fans out here that want to know what it is.

Speaker 2 We'll put a link. I don't know what it's called, but Fancy, I'll get you the link.

Speaker 1 Fancy, get that fucking link for the period prep. For mental cramps.
I was listening. Because it is a fucking nightmare.

Speaker 2 Yeah, let's get some bad friends. I don't want to overstep.
I know I just. You're here, baby.

Speaker 1 You're here.

Speaker 1 Come off the fuck in.

Speaker 1 I was listening to This American Life, and there there was a story of a girl who met this guy and she really liked they were in acting class or whatever and in New York and they hook up one night and then she was on her period and she goes I don't wanna you know I'm not I mean it's that time of month he's like I don't care but at like four in the morning she looked at all the sheets and they were all bloody right so she stole his sheets and put it in her bag and she left like and she's walking down and she had to go through some sort of security check or something and the cops saw the bloody sheets so they thought she murdered somebody so then she had to go back to the fucking apartment, and the cops had to knock on this guy's door to see if he was alive.

Speaker 1 Right. And then she had to go, yeah, I stole your sheets.
How embarrassing is that? How crazy of a story? If he went, if he went back to the apartment, he was dead.

Speaker 1 That's a good show. That's the start of a good show.
Yeah, yeah. That's the start of a good fucking series.
Yeah, yeah. And the coincidence of it.
Right.

Speaker 1 But he's dead, but he's dead, but it's with a handgun to his head. And they're like, this couldn't be blood from that.
That would be impossible. Yeah.
This is not, the blood's on the wall.

Speaker 1 It's that way.

Speaker 1 How do the sheets have all this blood? But then they they test the DNA on the sheets, and it's not even her blood. Oh!

Speaker 1 Yo! Oh, shit! It's not even her blood. It's someone else's blood.
But it's not even his blood. It's not his blood either.
Where? On the wall from his head? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's not even his blood from the wall. It's a blood from this wall, right? Yeah, well.
It's from a chimp. It's from a chimp? Yeah, a chimp blood.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 A chimp's period blood.

Speaker 1 Whoa!

Speaker 1 Chimp's period blood from the movie. Make this movie.
Let's make this movie.

Speaker 2 And that's why if you're a female killer, you always kill while you're menstruating.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 If you're going to stab someone, ladies, that's the moral of the story. Make sure you're bleeding.

Speaker 1 Make sure it's just spraying everywhere. You're stabbing and spraying.
Get a little fucking funnel to spray it on him when you're chilling.

Speaker 2 And he goes, sorry, officer, I was on my period.

Speaker 1 Oh, the officer. Oh, because I had my period.

Speaker 1 The twist is the officer's a chimp. Oh, yeah.
The cop's a chimp. One of the cops is a chimp.

Speaker 1 And you hear a knock on the door and you answer the door and it's a chimp. And he's got two knives.
He's like, oh my god.

Speaker 1 And he starts stabbing you. Whoa! Then you're like, what are you doing? You're a copy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, whoa. Crazy world.
What a crazy world. What a great.
You want to direct it?

Speaker 2 I want to be in it.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, what do you want to play?

Speaker 2 I'll direct that actress.

Speaker 1 You saw how good of an actress she was when we did acting scenes in the room here. Oh, that was amazing.
You have to put her on. That was really good stuff.
Yeah. Doc,

Speaker 1 would you mind directing it? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Because we don't have anybody in our crew that directs anything, do we? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I want to do a movie with them and do the loving story. What's that? Sorry? The story about the two.
You know, remember, is it the, are they called the loving?

Speaker 1 I mean, they were the first people, the black and white couple, right? And then it was against the law. And then they did that.
Oh. What are they? What are their last names?

Speaker 1 Find out the last names.

Speaker 1 The first interracial couple. I know what you're talking about.
Yeah, the first interracial couple.

Speaker 1 Not on the first of all people. Yeah, we do a comedy spin on them, though.

Speaker 1 It was the first interracial couple.

Speaker 1 The first interracial marriage.

Speaker 1 Sorry, interracial marriage. Loving Day.
June 12th is Loving Day. Yeah.
Interracial marriage finally became legal in the United States. January 26, 1965.
This photo shows Mill Drake.

Speaker 1 Is it wild that they were going to. Didn't they go to prison for it or something? Because they were.
Well, no, no, no. They were.
They were.

Speaker 1 This caused this to become a law that it's legal for interracial. But in 1965, you couldn't do it.

Speaker 1 That's insane. Yeah.
Yeah, no, it's fucking. Jackie Robertson was getting it in, though.

Speaker 1 Just let that sit.

Speaker 1 Let it sit. Let it sit because I don't know what the fuck he means.
I know what he means back.

Speaker 1 Yeah, explain it. Explain it.
He was smashing white women back in his time. He was fucking these white husbands.
Yeah, I got it. He was getting it in.
He was out in these streets. Okay.

Speaker 1 It depends on who you are. You can fuck out there in the streets back when you're in the middle of the street.
But you couldn't get married. That was what the whole thing was about.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm sure Sidney Pointier fucked white girls, too. That's my point.

Speaker 1 They had to hide it. He actually liked Asian women, Sidney Poitier.
Did he really? Big time. Loved Asian girls.

Speaker 1 Loved. Was not a big fan of

Speaker 1 white women. Oh, wow.
I have a story that somebody told me. That's a lie.
I have a story that somebody told me, and I feel so guilty because it's hearsay. Yeah, but we got to hear it.
Say it.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 It's hearsay.

Speaker 1 All right. This is hearsay.
And I am a huge fan of this woman that I'm about to talk about, so I don't want to hurt her feelings. Oh, go ahead.
Okay, I'm going to do it. All right.

Speaker 1 So back in the 90s, I used to do shows with this guy named Dave Tyree. Don't remember that person.
Okay, he was an old black comic. Oh, yeah, Dave Tyree.
You know Dave Tyree, right?

Speaker 1 He used to do a bit about

Speaker 1 that's Dave Tyree.

Speaker 1 Right? That's his music. He's Polly, by the way.
Yeah, yeah. And he was a funny guy, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sure. I don't know.
He really was. Yeah.
Okay. For the time.
I wasn't there. Yeah, and Tyree was like, let me tell you a story.
And I go. Where's he from? I don't know.
Detroit. Okay.

Speaker 1 Why? It's just a little accent. I heard a little accent.
Was it Asian? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you a story. Every time you go to an accent, you go, let me tell you a story.

Speaker 1 I don't know where it is.

Speaker 1 Is that what you heard? Guys, is that what you heard? Absolutely.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you a story. Let me tell you a story.
Is that fine? Sure. Let me just keep doing it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I go, I don't want to hear a story right now. No, I'm going to tell you a story.
Okay, fine. That was different than the first time.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 So anyway, he goes, back in the day when I moved to LA, right, I met Richard Pryor. I'm like, cool.
Is that it? No. He invites me to a party, right?

Speaker 1 And cocaine,

Speaker 1 everything's happening. You know what I mean? People having sex in the living room, right? It was wild, he said, right? Drunk.
And then

Speaker 1 fucking Pryor comes up to him and goes, you like Asian pussy? And Dave Terry goes, I guess, yeah, it's all high. You know what I mean? Come here, come here.

Speaker 1 And he goes, in a room, there was an Asian lady laying on her back. She was completely naked.

Speaker 1 She wasn't passed out. She was loose, you know.
And he goes, go ahead, right? Are these guys dead, by the way? David Tyree dead? No, he's still alive. Okay.

Speaker 1 We'll find out where the story goes.

Speaker 1 But the girl was a naked Asian. It was Connie Chung.
Shut the fuck up. Whoa.
Connie Chung? And she was just letting everyone have it. I don't know.
That's what he told me.

Speaker 1 And I didn't sleep for a week.

Speaker 2 Man, comedy is just not like that anymore.

Speaker 1 I know. You're never at a party and when it's some some dick, you go and it's Anderson Cooper completely naked on a fire.
I have been to that party. Yeah, actually.
Yeah, I have been to that party.

Speaker 1 And I don't even think that's true. There's no way that story is true.
Why? Why would it not be? Because she's a newscaster and she, you know, they don't like dick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what was that? Nancy Pelosi. She was getting it on, right?

Speaker 1 She was getting fucking smoked.

Speaker 1 By who?

Speaker 2 Like, wasn't she blowing everybody?

Speaker 1 Blowing everybody, dude. Wait, wait, Nancy Pelosi was blowing who? The insurrectionist? What happened? What? What the fuck is going on?

Speaker 1 Pelosi was shit. They called her the erectionist.

Speaker 2 Nancy Pelosi. Wasn't that the story?

Speaker 2 Maybe I got the wrong person.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I don't know if it's Nancy Pelosi.
No, it's Pelosi for show, dog.

Speaker 1 Was she with JFK?

Speaker 1 Are you thinking about it?

Speaker 2 She was blowing him. That's what made his head explode.

Speaker 1 How did Jackie not see Pelosi sucking off Kennedy in that car? That's the conspiracy theory

Speaker 1 on it.

Speaker 1 So she was the second shooter.

Speaker 2 I could have sworn there was this big story going around that when she was younger, she gave everybody hand jobs.

Speaker 1 That's cool. That's cool.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 1 my career is a good thing. That's cool.
I like that. That's a cool thing to do.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So, you know, they get around.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I love how P-type's in Nancy Pelosi hand jobs.

Speaker 1 When they seize that laptop from the feds.

Speaker 1 Remember the insurrection? Remember the insurrection where that guy went to the

Speaker 1 Nancy Pelosi's daughter? I forget. And he was sitting like this on Nancy Pelosi's office.
Maybe he was looking for a hand job. Oh, waiting.
Patiently. Yeah, like, I heard about this girl.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's what he was doing.

Speaker 2 It was probably some other white lady in politics, and all the fans are going to say it on the comments.

Speaker 1 Who do we think it could be?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't think you dared the Connie Chunk thing. I feel bad about saying it.
It's just a story that you heard from somebody that isn't. It's not a real story.

Speaker 2 Times were different. Times were different.

Speaker 1 70s. 70s.
70s. Yeah, you're right.
Yeah. 70s, yeah.

Speaker 1 I just don't want Maury Povich. Have you ever been to? I want Maury Povich to come after me.
You know what I mean? He's in a wheelchair, maybe.

Speaker 1 Have you ever been to a Hollywood party where it was filled with sex and drugs like that?

Speaker 1 One. I've been to one as well.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. Yeah, one time.

Speaker 2 It must have been a long time ago.

Speaker 1 That's long time. That's stuff's canceled.
Was it in the Hills? No. What was it? So

Speaker 1 I did this NACA conference. Fuck.
Do you know what NACA is? Oh, that's so funny. That was our genre.
NACA was the National Association of College.

Speaker 1 It's something. It was for to do college shows.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and they stopped booking me because, because you know basically you go and they have all these colleges in the region and they come and they always said to me you have to be squeaky clean and i never did you had to be green so every time i would perform half the room would walk out yeah they just would walk out and i could see my um college age agent just go

Speaker 1 in the back like what the fuck because back then he just showed his fucking cute when you were a young copper yeah back then you couldn't make any money doing clubs because you weren't a headliner yet.

Speaker 1 You couldn't get A-rooms. But you could get paid big money to do college college.
Yeah, like Schwartz and those guys did. I mean, they clean up.
But I did not book a lot.

Speaker 1 But there was one girl who was religious, but she thought I was attractive. Right.
So I exchanged numbers and I go, you know what I want to do?

Speaker 1 I'm going to Vegas. And I'm, because at the time, Dave Navarro.
I knew Dave Navarro. Dave Navarro, the rock star.

Speaker 1 And so I bring this religious girl to his bachelor party. What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right? And it's in Vegas. I forgot what hotel it was.
Why did you bring a girl to a bachelor party?

Speaker 1 But I remember going to the floor of the hotel and everything's pitch black with these candles and there was like blood on the wall. It was like fucking crazy.
Right? And you hear like bats.

Speaker 1 Like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And she's like, I could feel it. I'm holding her hands.
And she's shaking. Right?

Speaker 1 And I go, I don't know what's going on here. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 We open this door and there's this table with two women and they have two dildos, right? And they're fucking each other on this thing, right?

Speaker 1 And other men around there jerking off, right?

Speaker 1 And I'm trying to act cool, like, this is a part of my life. This is normal,

Speaker 1 right? I'm just kind of going, haha, you know what I mean? And I just remember it being the scariest place I've ever been. Did you do anything, though?

Speaker 1 I made love to her in the hotel room. You did? Yeah.
Sweet love?

Speaker 1 No. No, gross.
They had that dildo in there.

Speaker 1 I got some of the passengers.

Speaker 1 That was a normal Christian kind of like sexual experience. But I just remember that was like my first, there was like, you know, it was weird.

Speaker 1 And, you know what I mean? What's normal Christian sex like?

Speaker 1 Well, I'll tell you what I do, right? I take the sheet, I take scissors, and I put a little hole in it. Oh, your mouth.
Right.

Speaker 2 You say grace first.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I lay her on her back.
God, please bless this food. Right.

Speaker 1 I lay the whole sheet over her body. Right, so you can't see each other.
So I can't see each other. And I see the little opening, right?

Speaker 1 And I fuck her in the belly button.

Speaker 1 No, I do missionary and maybe a couple of extra side moves.

Speaker 1 I went to a celebrity's house a long time ago that I didn't belong at.

Speaker 1 And it wasn't like anything absurd. People were doing drugs for sure.

Speaker 1 But I walked in on somebody fucking. in a room and I was like, oh shit.

Speaker 1 And I, and they both looked at me and they were like, what's wrong? It's okay.

Speaker 1 And then I thought, should I stay?

Speaker 1 Because they both are very casual about it. It wasn't like, get the fuck out.
They were fucking and I was like, oh shit. And they were like, it's cool.
It's cool. It's cool.
It's totally cool.

Speaker 1 And I was just like, sorry. And I just left real slow

Speaker 1 because I wanted to give them a chance to be like, get over here. Do you know? But I was like, both of these guys were just too big.
You know, I didn't want to. I have one more.

Speaker 1 Did I talk about the Asian sex? Did you miss the whole gay part of that?

Speaker 1 I got it. Thanks, Keith.
It was too bad.

Speaker 1 It wasn't too bad. I was teasing.

Speaker 2 I heard it. I just wasn't alarmed by it.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 you shouldn't be. I wasn't alarmed by it either.
And you shouldn't be, Juice. Yeah.
And you shouldn't be. Did I tell you about the Asian sex party? No.
No. It was right by the comedy store.
Okay.

Speaker 1 The Andes. It used to be, what was it, Hilton? Hilton, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I love to go to Carney's. The Hyatt.
The Hyatt.

Speaker 1 You know, I like to go to Carney's and get those gigantic chocolate hot dogs too. Do we?

Speaker 1 Right? Do you remember I used to do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So

Speaker 1 at Carney's they have these gigantic chocolate

Speaker 1 bananas, I mean, right? And I used to go to dock and I used to suck on the thing.

Speaker 1 I apologize for that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, that's how I do it, right? But I used to get those chocolate things, and I was walking with this chocolate. It was like maybe 12:30 at night, right?

Speaker 1 And there were 200 Asian young people, all dressed in white, standing outside of the fucking

Speaker 1 Hyatt. go what do you guys think we're from San Francisco we do this like yearly thing in LA it's a sex club oh yeah right and I go oh go good good and they go um come on

Speaker 1 I go okay

Speaker 1 what no no I know the story I haven't told this on this podcast before well then I don't want to fucking do it tell juice it's fine tell juice me too because I don't even know yeah tell them they haven't heard it okay so they had rented out this whole floor right and you know how sometimes hotel rooms have other doors that are just an entrance to the other hotel room?

Speaker 1 Adjoining, adjoining. Adjoining room.
So all those doors are open. All the doors are open.
You know what I mean? On this fucking thing. It was just like you could just walk into a room.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 1 So I'm walking. Oh, there's two guys.
I walk into another room and there's these two girls on the bed completely naked. And I don't know.
I still have half of the hot dog, too.

Speaker 1 I've got to finish that. I got to finish that.
I got to finish that before. So I just sit there at these jeans on.
I'm just sitting there just eating the hot dog.

Speaker 1 I see them both get up from the fucking bed and come toward me.

Speaker 1 One girl starts kissing my neck and the other girl starts, you know, touching my pee-pee, Toki, right? And Toki's like, thinking, think, thinking, think, think, you think, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 1 But I knew at that moment that I was about to cheat on Sarah, and I just, something just came over, and I just pushed them aside, right?

Speaker 1 And I ran out. Still, the chocolate hot dog.
I'm running out, right?

Speaker 1 I finished it at the store, the chocolate thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But

Speaker 2 Can I tell you the funniest part to me about that so far is that they invited you to the sex party. You went up to the rooms, watched the naked girls.

Speaker 2 They came over to you, start kissing you, and then you said, I'm not going to cheat on the nigga.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is too far. I wouldn't know what you've even explained.

Speaker 1 I like this. I like this.
Stop. Hold back.
Hold back.

Speaker 2 Because if there was some wild sex party and they invited me, I'd be like, oh, no, I'm in a monogamous relationship.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I'm hilarious. Oh, she's coming from a woman's perspective.
I get it. Yeah, but

Speaker 1 you're not an Asian TV star.

Speaker 1 You're not an Asian TV star. I don't want my family.
Thanks for reminding me.

Speaker 1 Number one, it's not even a woman's perspective. It's just a loyal perspective.
Hey, Doc, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Listen to me, okay? He's giving you a piece of his heart and stuff. Listen to me, but like they walked all the way over to you.
So what you're saying to me is this.

Speaker 2 You had so many chances to leave.

Speaker 1 No, I want to ask, is showing up to that and being on the side of bed cheating? No, no. To walk into a hotel room where people are partying.

Speaker 2 Knowing it's a sex party.

Speaker 1 Is that cheating to you? No. Like, if you found out that your boyfriend did that, would you be upset? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You'd be upset just on that alone.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd say we should redefine things because I've been turning down all these sex parties.

Speaker 1 I keep getting invited to all these fuck parties and I can't go. I see.
I see.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's more of like an equality thing than

Speaker 1 you want things to be equal, don't you? Yeah. But let's have Juice say goodbye in her traditional Pauli Shore sign-off

Speaker 1 to take us out.

Speaker 2 What's up, bad friends?

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Yes, what a good episode. That was a great episode.