Andrew Schulz Knows Rudy is a Spy

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Oh, yeah.

How you doing, buddy? How you doing, buddy? Come on, how you doing, man? Good to see you. Hi.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Dude, you look different.
Yeah. Next level.
You look next level. I'm Italian now, dude.
It goes to Italy, it gets more Italiano. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
First of all, I know what I see on your wrist, Shulz. What is that? I know what it is.
It's a little something, bro. What is it? It's a little something.
Bobby doesn't know about watches. None of your business, Bobby.
What is it, though? Is it a fancy watch? Yeah, it is. Yeah, how much? None of your business.
It's more than your car. Well, I see diamonds on it.
No diamonds. No diamonds.
Ever diamonds. Yeah, but it's like shiny.

It is shiny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What makes it shiny?

The silver?

Yeah.

Let me ask you a question.

Bro, bro, let me ask you a question about it. Dude, what makes it shiny?

The silver?

What makes it shiny?

Did you just say yes?

Let me ask you questions about it, right?

Because I don't know much about it, right?

Please, neither do I.

I'm a fraud.

All right, so is it stainless steel?

It's steel, yeah. It's a stainless steel because that's the good stuff, right? No, no.
They want it to stain now. Oh, they do? Yeah, stained steel.
All right, all right. Everybody likes stained steel.
All right. Does it do multi-purpose stuff? Like for instance, time is one thing.
Obviously, it does that, right? Yeah, yeah. It does the time.
Only thing it doesn't do is time. But it does.
Also, it follows the solstices.

Follows the solstices.

Solstices, right?

Does it do that?

No.

Is it waterproof?

Yeah.

Oh, that's a very good one.

Yeah.

Does it do date, obviously?

You got to tell me your name again.

I'm Rudy.

Rudy.

It's nice to meet you. Rudy Jules.

Yeah.

This is Andrew Schultz.

Wait, your name is really Rudy Jules?

No, it's Jules, but he made it up.

But I made it up because Rudy Giuliani. Little Jules.
Little Jules. Queen of New York.
This is the king of New York you're meeting right here. Say, God bless.
Good to meet you. The king of New York.
It's the king of fucking New York right there. I thought he'd be really short.
It's the king of fucking New York and you're not even. What? What did you say? I thought he'd be really short.
Okay, so. She thought he'd be short? Yeah, because I saw him on TikTok.
How tall are you? I have a short upper body Torso? How tall are you Schultz? 6'2 So we're similar in height People will say to me when they see me live Oh I thought you'd be shorter Because I think tall people don't look tall on Are you all legs or do you have torso? I'm pretty leggy Yeah me too Dad's pretty leggy When we sit down we look small Yeah look at me and him I and him. I'm almost as, you know, me and the marshmallow are the same size.
I get the reverse. I get reverse.
Toasted marshmallow. Sorry.
Toasted. When people meet me and go, we thought you'd be much taller.
Yeah. Bobby, we haven't spoken since.
Since what? Since your whole thing. Since you're free.
You know, because she is the niece. He doesn't give a fuck.
So we got to. Are you a spy? Yeah, she's a fucking spy.
No, I'm not. You can't get away.
But what's wrong with you? You keep inviting a behind enemy line. I know, dude.
Get her out of here. I know, I know.
I was thinking maybe she shouldn't be here. But don't think, dude.
I know, but she's here. It took you 15 years to get out of that relationship.
I know, I know. Yeah, but you know what? This is his tactic.
What is it? He keeps the enemies close. So he can lose? You don't know his plan.
What is his plan? He doesn't want to lose some. He wants to lose all of it.
So Korean, by the way? Huh? So Korean? Yeah. Just keep him up north.
Like, have him be our neighbors. Keep him next door.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He lives downstairs.
They live upstairs. Exactly.
It's really smart. No, we live we live at the same wait a minute are you guys still in that same place on the hill yeah in the same hill place yeah but she is also we sleep on the same bed what this is but but it's a double it's pushed together they just separate it no it's not no we sleep on the same bed what I do is I have a long pillow yeah and I just put it between us yeah yeah what does, a long pillow.
Oh my God. I thought you were saying like an Asian sound.
Yeah, long pillow. Did I say Wong pillow? No, I thought it was like long pillow.
I said long pillow. I was spelling it L-U-O-N-G.
Oh, long pillow. Yeah, long pillow.
From the makers of long pillow comes long pillow. She really just is here to judge, right? Like, just looking at you and making sure you're sad.
I mean, I didn't think that we would talk about it. I love it.
I mean, he's almost free. Yeah.
Do you know what I mean? But you guys still live in the same place. Why can't you guys be best friends? Imagine you guys would be best friends and you have your own places.
And she can do her thing. That's true.
And you can do your thing.

She is going to.

Right?

Is that the plan?

I think so.

You don't know.

No, no, no.

You don't think so.

I don't know what's going on.

I don't know.

You're part of the plan.

Are you part of the plan?

Has she talked to you about it?

Maybe.

Oh.

She only knows.

You can't smell a rat.

Six words.

She only knows six words.

You can't smell a rat. No, I know.
I see her her there Look at how she's sitting Of course Little rat Little rat I'm not Where's the new place gonna be She got more Asian As time went on Now on the show I think what it is Can I be honest with you Please I think she thinks That you're cute Just hear me out Okay This is a theory right And she's Listen Look at this And she's a's a little intimidated by you, I think Look at that right there That's married No, his All married What? He's what? Just say it He's a comic, he can handle it His nose is too big His nose is too big That's true It's cartoony Yeah, yeah, that's true Yeah It just covers your whole face I can't see your eyes Yeah, yeah Wait a minute Hold on one second You said it covers my whole face I can't see your eyes Wait a minute, hold on one second You said it covers my whole face, you can't see my eyes So you like people with big eyes? Yeah I just want someone that has equal parts Don't say equal You guys are known for the biggest eyes Don't say you're into big eyes You're into slightly less than white eyes And if we're looking at each other I have much bigger eyes Let me see Rudy Look at me with big eyes Go big eyes Schultz, big eyes I mean I can I'm here and I'm bigger I've got her doubled And I'm squinting I'm doubled Big eye me Rudy Look at this Look at this Yeah no that this. Yeah, no, that's still him.
He's still him. He's still champ.

No, you're... Don't be irritated.

Like, your face is like this.

Chill out.

Yeah, get her.

Get her.

Get her.

No, but like, this is fun.

I like this.

You can't have fun if there's someone in a corner like...

Yeah, yeah.

That's her natural state.

Is it like ick?

Are you like into the ick?

Is that your thing?

No, it's just my face. I don't know.
It's your voice too. Yeah.
It's the whole thing. It's the whole thing.
And it needs to fucking stop. Why? Teacher.
It's too much. Will you teach her? Like how long has she been in America? What's the deal? 30 years she's been in America.
Oh, you're new. She's new American.
Brand new. Yeah, she doesn't know the rules.
She doesn't know the rules. She doesn't know the walk, talk, do her face thing, the American face thing.
Yeah, yeah. So everything is like bright.
Do the American face thing, Bob. But like even pause like that.
Stay like that. I'm gonna show you what you look like looking at me.
And then I want you to assess the comfort of the people that see. Is that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That would be that? That would be a fun game. That would be fun.
Yeah, that's a fun game.

I'm just looking,

just like that.

Okay.

I'm not,

what I'm going to do is,

go.

Ready?

Hold on.

There it is.

Yeah, okay.

So this is what I've been looking at

since I got you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right?

So I'm already feeling like,

you're like,

but I'm not judging you.

You said the big nose thing.

Even the tonation. The tonation.
We're going to teach you everything. I'm not judging you.
Yeah, I'm not. And it's like,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know,

you know, you know, you know,, But I'm not judging you. You said the big nose thing.
Even the tonation. The tonation.
We're gonna teach you everything. I'm not judging you.
Andrew's a pro. It's like this.
I'm not judging you. I'm not judging you.
She can't do this. Look, she smiled.
It's your voice that's holding you back. It's hard.
No, no, it's not hard. You're in America now.
Everything's easy. You just go like this.
You go like this. You sit back.
You relax. Can you put your feet? Do your legs like him.
Can you put your You relax. Do your legs like him.
Can you put your legs down?

Do your legs like him.

Can you cross your legs?

There you go.

That's good.

That's good.

Bring the mic a little bit closer.

Look how you're smiling already.

Right?

Now, how do you feel about the Jews?

Their noses are so big.

But I thought you were a Jew.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, so it's fine to say your nose is big.

Oh, I love that.

Thank you. Their noses are so big But I thought you were a Jew No I'm not Yeah so it's fine to say your nose is big Oh I love it Very smart It all comes around When you were in the bathroom He thought you were Jewish He said you're not fucking Jewish No Other side Maybe.
Maybe. You know, my family moved to Chicago.
What? Yeah. Your whole family did? Nobody's in New York.
No, no. My family moved from Prussia to Chicago.
Precious Russia. Now it's Germany.
Right. Ah.
And... Precious Russia.
Yes. That's where they make precious dolls, you know, little precious dolls.
I know, 100%. And then from Chicago to New York.
Oh, okay, got it. So back in the day, there's some speculation.
You move there and you're like, uh-oh, might not be the best to be Jewish. I'm Catholic.
Right. Is there a history of- Because we would have kicked you out.
It had our way with you, pal. Keep moving along, bud.
Is there an uncle or grandfather that was funny in your family that you kind of take after? I think my dad was funny. What are you, Jimmy Kimmel? That was a really good question.
I don't know. I'm just trying to get in here.
Are you on a Tonight Show? And is there anything in your past, anyone from your past, that your family members remind them of? I love you. What the fuck are you doing, man? Even when you're asking questions,

it's about you.

What do you mean?

It always goes right back to him.

Why?

Because the way I did it?

Yeah.

And I'm trying to go look at me,

look at me?

No, because the way you did it is going to make me make fun of you

for doing it.

And then you can be like,

what's going on?

It's called setup.

It is a good setup.

It's a good setup. You're good.
This is an You're good This is an entertainment podcast Get a new apartment House Get a new apartment I bought the house For her I will And her Yeah a house Is that wrong? It's true Why is that wrong? No true It's true Don't you think it's fair? Alright let me ask you something He would still He wouldn't be living in a house She would appreciate that Yeah You don't think that she would appreciate that? She would love that. Okay, let me ask you something.
It's not like you guys did much decorating it. You know what I mean? It's not like she's...
You haven't been upstairs. You don't know what the fuck my house looks like.
But I saw the Legoland in the bottom. I don't need to go past that.
I saw it, right? I saw it in the bottom. You get the gist of it.
I got the gist of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I walked up the Japanese game show to get to your fucking house, right? All you need to do is put Vaseline on that driveway and have a bunch of fucking Japanese people trying to make it to the top. It is a Japanese game show.
It is a Japanese game show. Yeah, hoodoo, hoodoo, hoodoo, hoodoo, hoodoo.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the crowd loves it when they break their neck.
Just... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They are the best at game shows. The best.
They've mastered the best game shows. You don't win unless you get hurt you have to get really really fucking hurt isn't there one where they jerk you off while you sing no what you have to do karaoke and they jerk you off one of the best ones I ever saw was they had a porta potty on the side of a ski hill and they were taking a shit and they would just lift up the top and everyone would be like and then it would be on skis and they'd push them down the hill on fucking shitter all the way down the hill they're the best it's unbelievable oh look at this Japanese game show has women jerking off men while they sing karaoke oh that's great wow can we see a little bit one of the two things Asians love what happy ending karaoke yes one show they've mastered it that was the pitch by the way alright so look at this guy's fucking freeze frame, how awesome that is.
So he's gotta finish the song before he finishes. That's gotta be the pitch.
Finish the song before she finishes you. Oh my god, what a great...
And that's on television? Yeah. Oh, that's amazing.
The best. This is the best.
Let's just see. I'm sorry.
One of the girls is wearing a mask though. Shout out to her for really staying safe during this whole thing.
Well, that's from, you know, for the shots. For the stuff.
The Aaron shot. If she knows what she's doing.
Yeah. Let me ask you guys something.
I'm not interested in meeting anybody else, but if I were to meet somebody else, what do I need to do? Would you and Clive ever play as neighbors? Oh, we do. Like, I'm going to get you an Airbnb for a little bit.
No, I'm a kid. And then grow independently.
I'm a 16-year-old kid, and she's a camp counselor. Yeah.
And she's like, this is your room. This is the log cabin you're going to be in.
Yeah. I go, oh, really? Thank you, Mrs.
Q. I've never been to camp before.
And she like She's like lay on your back I want to show you something Right And I'm just like I'm not tired I just got here It's in the morning Right And she's just basically Get on your back So I lay on my back And she's like You know You've been a bad boy I go I just got here I just You know I've never been But had you been a bad boy I had been a bad boy I got to eat my bed and then she pulls the penis out right and I'm like are you gonna tell my mommy or my daddy she's not gonna tell your mom and she's like no no no and then when she sticks it in when I stick it in inside her right when she sticks it in she's a great actress yeah and she looks at me and she's like you like that and I'm pretty good you know what I mean I'm like I can't believe I'm doing this right now yeah oh it's so good yeah what do you think I think it's disgusting it's fucking gross well you don't do role play not pretending to be a 16 year old camper I'm probably not 16 I was a 19 year old you know what I mean but basically at camp yeah yeah at camp. Yeah, still at camp.
I was a counselor.

Can I just redo it for you?

Yeah, yeah.

You're both counselors.

That's better.

Yeah, we're both counselors.

All right?

All the kids went to bed.

You're just fucking in the woods.

Is this better?

Well, now I can't share the other ones.

This makes more sense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't share the other ones.

No, you can share the other ones.

You can.

What are the other ones?

Were they bad like that?

They're worse.

I can't even move. You don't role play? Huh? I like your wife, by the way.
No, I don't role play. But I like her.
Thank you. I met her in Montreal.
Do you remember? Yeah. Yeah, she's a sweet girl.
I remember. She likes you.
She thinks you're very funny. Yeah, but does she think I'm a good guy? Uh-uh.
No. No.
No? She didn't think you did anything to be a good guy? Yeah, yeah. But she's thinking about you.
All right, all right. She thought you were a funny guy.
Funny guy. Oh, the funny guy, yeah.
Yeah, that's what you demonstrated. Yeah.
But you are a funny guy. I'm a naturally funny guy.
Are you going to bring girls over? I mean, I just... No, I...
Why are you pointing at her? Andrew, I'm going to be completely fucking honest with you, okay? When you set up the mic for her every episode, you're like, why? But that's been two years of that of two years of that yeah yeah yeah she's smiling at me she's feeling a little bit better so i'm going to tell you something right now my favorite and i'm going to tell you this too andrew okay yeah all right yeah and this is and don't make a joke let me talk first oh come on no then you do your little clever new york stylings of comedy all right you're a little style yeah you do you do You little clever New York stylings of comedy. This guy.

Or your little stylings.

You do.

You do your New York.

You do your New York style of comedy like Kras and Godshed.

You're the clever thing.

Don't fucking do that, all right?

All right, let's hear it.

And I've been around your kind before, bro.

Back in there, Geraldo and Norton, all those fucking boss.

I've been around it, dude.

You young generation, you can't treat me like that. I love you, dude.
So here we go. Look at me right now, you beady-eyed fuck.
You don't impress me, by the way. You're one of the best guys, and you're killing it, this and that.
You'll never scare me. This is not even close to as intimidating.
You know what I'm about to say. What? Yep.
When you walked up to me and pulled out your penis. When? What do you mean when? When? The time.
Don't act like this is a thing with me and you. Okay, go.
Don't act like this is a thing. This is a new discovery for me.
You did it once, and you know you did it once. Yeah, yeah, okay, go ahead.
Now we're acting like we cut it every time. All right, go ahead.
So let me just, can I just finish? Okay, go ahead. You told me not to interrupt you, but when you stood up and started adjusting your penis, I actually got PTSD and I felt very intimidated.
You're traumatized. Not trauma.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not trauma.
Yeah. Trauma.
You know? Yeah. But it's...
Back home? Yes, right? Home. A lot of it.
Home? Yeah, she's a lot of it home it's okay it's okay it's okay but you came up and you were doing the thing where you were like really whipping it oh yeah yeah yeah and it was it was an odd thing man I know but what was the thing you were gonna say when you stood up what's this whole fucking charade you put on and then quit? I was. I'm going to do it.
We'll do it.

But I want to talk about

the fucking whipping of the dick.

No, just do the thing already.

Wait, let's see the thing.

Can we do the thing?

No, I can't do the thing

because Jules doesn't know

why I'm going to do

the whipping of the dick.

Just say what you were going to say.

Not the dick, asshole.

What was the thing

you were going to do

when you stood up?

And you've seen it, right?

Are you old enough?

How old is she?

She's 15 years old.

She's 15.

We went different directions.

We went different directions. I went 42.
I went 15. No, she's 90.
15 years old. She's 15.
We went different directions. We went different directions.

I went 42.

I went 15.

No, she's 90.

She's 20.

She's 20.

She'll be 21.

You're 20 years old.

She'll be 21 this what?

November.

November, right.

Okay.

Good for you.

Good for you.

So here's the deal.

Both of you, all right?

All bones up.

So number one, I literally, I honestly believe I'll never date another girl again.

Oh, shut the fuck.

All right.

Go ahead.

That's what I'm talking about.

And that's not friendship.

I said I'll stop.

But you did it.

Okay, so do it again.

All right.

So I, this is what I'm telling you my heart and my truth.

Okay.

All right.

I honestly believe I never want to date another girl.

I was thinking we were going to make it a little longer. You just do it so Asian.
You're like, I never want to date I was thinking we were going to make it a little longer you're like I never I never did another girl again you think we're not going to make fun of you this is the whole thing we do can we do this we'll do once without shut the fuck up man you Spanish fuck Spanish fuck. Don't even fucking.
Go, go. You fuck you, man.
Go, go. I'm going to say this before I do it.
You're not dating any more girls. No, I want to give you a second of honesty and authenticity.
Okay. Right? Without being mocked, man.
You got it. Okay.
All right, well, let's not do it. Let's not do it.
Don't be so emotional.

Let's not fucking do it.

Don't be emotional.

Just say it.

You're acting so silly, dude.

Fuck you.

You're not allowed to make me laugh and then be upset that I'm laughing.

Yeah, but you're not allowed to.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

You're right.

This is great.

My bad.

I feel like I'm fucking in the middle of just the best little firestorm.

Yeah, my bad.

All right, so finish.

You're never going to date another girl again.

I honestly believe that I'm never going to date another girl again. Yeah, I believe that too.
Why is that a big fucking deal? Nobody thinks you're dating again, dude. Okay, number two.
She put her niece here. Tito Bobby was just checking a girl out.
Did you even try to speak English? Did you even try to speak English? What the fuck just happened? Tito Bobby was what? What? Tito Bobby was checking a girl out when we were in San Diego. Who was the girl? Oh, I'm sorry.
Let's go, my boy. Who was the girl? Hello.
He doesn't know. Hello.
She's dead. Hello.
She's dead. Hello.
Who was the girl? She's dead. Hey, Realtors.
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It was a white girl who had really big butt and big boobs. White girl.
And fat tits. No.
That's how you know. Yup.
You were doing it. You were doing it.
You were doing it. Nancy Pelosi? Who was it? Was it Nancy Pelosi? Who was it? She was an 80, listen, all right? But you like big fucking fat tits.
No, that's not what it is. Yes, you do.
You like fat tits, bro. And you like white girls with fat asses.
Is that who it was in San Diego? It wasn't Nancy Pelosi. Yes it was.
Yes it was. It was that.
It was that. And you want to grab one to that fucking- Hey Jules, fuck you.
Jules, fuck you. Jules, you've done good.
I'm just telling the truth. No, no, no, no.
You were walking in a mall, UTC mall, right? Yes. And there was a girl wearing like yoga, like a tight yoga outfit.
And what did you see? And she was so ugly and dumpy. Stop it.
Stop it. Bullshit.
You're lying. No I'm not.
Yes you did. No, fuck you.
You're smirking. Yeah, look at that fat piece of shit wearing that.
You saw, you saw, what'd you see? I saw a fat piece of shit jiggly jiggly. No you didn't.
Tell us what happened. And you were checking that out and we had an argument about that, fuck yourself no let me say something he looked i never yeah and did you look and she had super what does that even mean if i fucking looked yo listen you're a man bro that's right you can look at however many that's true and tits that's true that true that okay you're in a mall i know it's your fucking world you're bobby lee you're probably single mingle.
You're gonna stuff that face in some fat white girl tits.

But it's so funny that you white dudes,

white dudes like you guys.

I'm not white, bro.

I'm Italian.

Whatever.

You're both Italian.

You Italian dudes.

Yeah.

They're taller, fairly good looking, right?

Very funny at your craft, right?

I thought I was good looking.

You think it's easier for you to get women than for me to get women? Yes, that's the system we've developed. I know.
That's the story in the world. And it's also easier for you to get food in America, so you came here.
So you have to put up with that. That's the sacrifice you make when your family brings you here.
It's a little harder to get laid, but there's food every day and a refrigerator, right? It's a little bit harder. There's food every day and there's a refrigerator.
That's just what it is. It was funny, but I want to fight you.
No, but this is the payoff. It's funny, but I want to fight.
This is the payoff. This is what your family worked for.
Yeah. Okay, so I'm here.
Thank you for the food. Thank you for the delicious food.
You're welcome. And I love refrigerating my meats.
It's great to refrigerate your food. But what I'm saying is that does it have to be that hard to get pussy? No, it's not hard to get pussy.
You had a beautiful girlfriend for many years. I know.
Yeah, that's true. Smart, beautiful, kind.
But what I'm saying is it is harder for me than you guys. It is.
No, it's not. Do you get DMs? Have you tried? Do you guys get DMs? Have you tried?

What do you mean?

What do you even mean?

What do you even mean?

From girls.

Girls that you don't know, they just go, send you breast pics.

Breast pics?

Yeah.

How big are they?

Every variety.

You know what's crazy about you?

Yeah.

I know you like a fat white tit.

I do.

You like a fat white tit, dude.

It's just something about you. And you don't even want, dude.
And you're like a little kid around them, aren you know? Dude, it's just something about you.

And you don't even want, dude.

And you're like a little kid around them, aren't you?

Oh, I giggle.

Giddy.

Yes, I do.

You want to shake them.

I shake them.

You want to shake them.

Like I'm in a fucking park.

Take me to the ball pit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, you know, jumping into those little red and yellow balls.

It's called the ball pit.

It's a ball pit.

The ball pit.

I like it.

You already said that.

I like it.

Yeah.

Hey. Yeah.
The reason you're not getting DMs is because everybody on earth knows that you're in a relationship. There you go.
Now, you're going to get girls that are going to go, hey, I'd like to hang out with you. What's going on, Bobby? You're single.
They're going to be thrown at you like crazy, dude. You're single now.
Yes. But people didn't DM you because they didn't think you were single.
Oh, you don't want to? No. No, no.
You do want to. want to I don't want to I don't feel I love Kalilah And I would never betray her Why would that be betrayal Time out Yeah You don't want to fuck Not right now no You don't want to hang out Nope You don't want to You want to go on a date Not even have sex You don't want to go Talk to a girl No Why I don't know Too fresh Too do role play? Would you role play like- What if she role played like she was Kalilah? There you go.
She's very good Kalilah. No, no.
What if another woman pretended to be Kalilah? They would have to be like- They have to take Meiser Technique classes. Let's get them enrolled.
Meiser Technique classes and really know how to add information. So maybe some improv work from Chicago.
Fine. Right? And somebody that really doesn't break, right? Because I know

when they're breaking.

Okay, who's your dream girl?

Who's the girl

that you're like,

it's unobtainable,

she's a famous person,

everybody knows who this is,

she's so hot,

I'm not gonna get her,

but it's a thing.

Like a taller Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman,

let's get her enrolled.

She's a great actress.

She could be a Kalilah.

Five inches taller.

Alright, we'll stretch her out.

Someone that looks like that,

but has that skills

in terms of acting.

This is your crush forever.

Yeah, but she's gotta be five inches taller. I like taller girls.
She's still taller than you. Nobody speaks English over here? What are we trying to do? What are we trying to do? Hey, two words.
Let me say something, right? Two words. Cheap labor.
She's not taller. We're the same height.
I think his acting got stronger. Last time I was here, he spoke better spoke better English she tried to say something twice I had no fucking clue what was happening Spain, Mexico, Philippines we can't hire Americans in this fucking place you can't no we can't afford it it's so expensive now dude these guys work no insurance overtime she's 5'3 and I'm 5'3 so we're the same height so you want somebody like 5'7 5'7, 5'8 that's my jam Climb that tree.
And they have to have that kind of skill set where they can cry on cue. Yeah.
And memorize their lines. Why do they need to cry? Because of the role play.
Oh, because they need to cry during your role play. Yeah.
What are the role playing scenes where you make them cry? I don't want to get into that. Now we're muddled.
We're muddled territory. Okay.
Maybe we could just talk about one of those. What do you mean? Like one of those scenarios.
Because that seemed like really cool. Well, I'll give you the beginning of the scenario, but I won't go there.
Okay. So I'm driving a car.
Oh, I already know what this is. What? It's a poop on me thing? No, it's not a poop on me thing.
I'm driving in a car. Oh.
And I'm in the desert driving down the street. It's a piss on me thing.
Oh, there's a hitchhiker I pull over Hit her by accident Hey young lady Hey young lady Why is such a young lady Hitchhiking alone at night He loves a southern He loves a southern accent Alone at night Well little old me Just got lost Yeah you need Where are you going Maybe I can I was just going Maybe to go check out One of these little bars Up the road And go have a drink. Oh, you like to see the city lights, huh? Love the city lights.
Get in. I'm going to the city lights as well, my friend.
How do I know I can trust you? You can trust me. Look at this cross.
Right? Another gigantic cross. Look at this cross.
Is that a little dead Jesus on that cross? Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. Oh, wow.
Get in. Maybe I don't want to.
Get in. Wait, wait, wait.
My arms are broken and I dropped my couch down the desert. Can you help me put the couch back into the...
How are you dropping with no arms? Just help me with this couch. Man, you're terrible at this.
I dropped my couch in the desert. Right, but you have to back in with the couch.
So wait, you go to wanting to fuck this girl to making her help you move? No, but this situation is like you choose to go the direction of you took a long time to get in the car. Because you have to fucking work them up to you.
They're not just going to get in the car. You are a stranger.
Am I seeing... You're a stranger.
Yeah, but it's like, you have to understand it's a sexual situation. All right, well then Andrew can do it.
I don't want to do a lot of... Go ahead and pick up Schultz then.
Go ahead. The dialogue scene is too long.
Yeah. Right? So you had to get in the car.
All right, here we go. I actually...
Give him the eyes. I thought it was really good.
Thank you. I thought it was excellent.
It was accurate. Before you did the moving the couch thing, I thought you were both murdering it.
And I'm being 100% honest. I was sitting here and I was going like, fuck, maybe there's a skill to act.
Literally. I was like, God, these guys are like really good at acting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, you just got to get there a different way.
All right. Yeah, why'd you take that big jump? Like, it was so realistic.
I know, because... Okay, let's...

It was so realistic.

All right, so...

In the line, the big city lights.

That's funny.

Let's go to the cross, then.

Back to the cross.

Yeah, let's go back to the cross.

I'm the director.

Yeah.

I'm the director.

I know you are.

I'm the director.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Okay, okay.

And if you don't like where it's going,

you can say cut.

No, thank you.

Can I say cut?

Can I do what the director does?

Hey, is that cool? Is this the only accent you're missing on this fucking show? Okay, ready? Okay, sound roll. Okay.
Roll in. And sound speed or whatever.
Okay, roll in and action. Well, I don't know if you can tell, but I have a gigantic golden cross.
I can see that. Are you religious? I am, in fact.
Which denomination? Presbyterian. Really? Baptist.
Which one? Those are two different ones. Well, I belong to one out of Waco, Texas that's a crossbreed.
We use both elements of the church. Wow.
Anywho, I got to go because I got to go to work. Oh.
And so I'm going toward the city lights. If you want to write, you don't have to if you don't trust me, but if you'd like to get in there.
I don't. You don't seem trustworthy.
Well then you have a nice night lady and I hope you have a good night. Can I tell you something? What? The next time you try to pick up a girl on the side of the road Yeah Don't have your dick out Your dick is out My bad It is your bad My bad You know what? Can I tell you why? Are you putting it away? Or what are you doing? I'm putting it away now I'll tell you why, lady Okay I'll tell you the reason why my penis was out What is it? Because I have an infection down there And that's why if you think there's anything sexual going on here That would also be an impossibility Because I have an infection And I have to air it out when I'm driving You seem to have lost your accent What? Here I am What are you talking about? No it's because when I start talking about my genitalia Right I get so shy So this infection what is it from? It's a rash that I got when I was fishing.
Go on. You got a lot of splatges, dude.
Well, what I... I have fly fish.
It's the funniest scene in the history of television film. I have that you fucking are how did i get the rash anyway but fish and then you're like well i don't really trust you he's like well well okay then i have work in the morning i gotta go like you're not even committed i am because i want her to feel because you want her to want it Yeah, because after that she could go, you know what I mean? She gotta go.
Like, you're not even committed. I am because I want her to feel, because after that, You want her to want it.
Yeah, because after that, she could go, you know what I mean? She could go, oh, well, actually, I will take a ride. You said you, you know what I mean? That's what I was thinking.
She's asking for it. I was doing reverse psychology and I was thinking, like, maybe, oh, that's enough for her to go.
Didn't work on me. I'll get in the car.
Didn't work on this one, Randy. It didn't work on this girl.
No, no, no. It didn't work on this girl, but you know what I mean? Yeah.
That's really impressive. How did you get that rash? Well, when I catch a fish, I unhook it, and I rub that thing on my dick for about 15, 20 minutes.
That's how I descale it. How could you get a rash from fishing, by the way? Fly fishing.
What is that even? Go ahead. I don't know what it is.
How were you going to get there? I'll tell you how it's going to be. The reason why I said this is I was watching a bunch of episodes of Naked and Afraid.
Love. Which we've said to the producers him and I would do.
We've said multiple times we'll do it together. And I saw a guy fishing naked.
And I don't know why, but I connected the two. But then I'm thinking.
Wait, why wouldn't they let you guys go naked? We've said it out loud. We've emailed.
They won't get back to us. It would be a five minute episode episode.
Which would be hilarious. Yes.
It would be one of the funniest in the world. I want to do it so bad.
We want to get naked somewhere and be in the jungle. Well, they do.
You know what they do? They do fan now. Like, they use fans.
We're not fans. And they do only 14 days.
No, we're doing them. We're not going to do 21 days.
You guys need 48 hours. 48 hours.
Three episodes, and it will be the most hilarious fucking show in the history of a franchise. And then what do they do? New York comics, two New York comics, two LA comics, and we converge.
And day two, we have to converge. You know how they converge? What do we have to do? Hang out? You mean we have to work together? So you and I survive for two days by ourselves, and then a mile down, they say you are going to meet with the New York comics.
Who are the New York comics? Who would it be? be? I was thinking Schultz and maybe DeStefano. That would be fucking funny as shit.
Or your Indian friend. Akash.
Akash. Your Indian friend.
This guy. Your Indian friend.
I love him. Didn't you have him on the show? Yeah.
I love him. What's his name? Akash.
Akash what? Singh. Okay.
I got to give him some props. He's good.
Don't suck it like that. He also texts me like every day he's the best he's a sweetheart what do you mean just to say what's up he always asks how I am how I'm feeling what's going on and I've only met him a couple times but I really think he's a great guy he is this guy keeps good people around him no he really is a good always yeah amazing guy hilarious dude incredibly fucking loyal and not a bad bone in his body i mean that sincerely like there are a lot of people in this business and you know granted we're competitive we want the best for ourselves etc but like the dude is the most genuine no he's a funny dude too and really hilarious yeah yeah and you know what yeah i had him on when he had a special put out killed it and i'm gonna talk shit right now because i'm jealous because you're fucking special easy plug easy transition because genuinely though that was good i read it and you sold a lot of money they did a fucking they did a variety article about how much money you made on the first week on that fucking thing do you know this they no i didn't know that they did an article look it up it's a variety or one of these things that says you sold a million bucks worth of fucking special tickets in a week or some shit.
They just say things, you know? No. When I talked to, so I talked to.
I was at the club. I was at the club.
They used a photo from when I met you. Yeah, yeah.
Bro, the photos they used for these articles. Why? So long ago.
I don't know. I was at the improv and Moment House, the president came up to me.
And he goes, you know the business we're doing with Anders Scholder? I don't know. He opened that way.
And I'm like, yeah, I know. I get it.
You're right. And I think that you're...
Can I say something? We bought yours, by the way, guys. Did you really? Yeah.
All of us watched it. Oh, cool.
But. But I think you're paving a new road.
You know what I mean? For us, a direction for us to go. I think that's the future.
The kid's been doing that for a long time. That's nothing new.
Well, look, I hope that, I hope it works. It is working for you.
It's working. Let's say it works.
I think it's a cool way where like if you have a community, you guys have a community. People fuck with you.
You guys learn that with the Moment House. I mean, I don't want to say your math, but you know, obviously I spoke to them and you guys fucking killed it.
We did good. Yeah.
And it's like, because you guys have people who care about you who listen to the show and they're down to support. And you know, if you have a community like that, then I think maybe you could do something like this.
We're going to find out Sunday. But if you do.
When do we it comes out Sunday. It's just like what we did on Moment House in terms of you can pre-order.
So you can order it before it's up. So like this.
Click on the pre-order. So you go to pre-order it.
Right. And go ahead and buy it.
Whosever computer this is. Is that ours? Whose is this? It's mine.
Carlos. So you go ahead and pre-order it.
Buy it. It signs you ahead pre-order buy it it signs you up and then you get it you're you know you get in line to get the special when it drops just like kind of ours did except this is his stand-up special exclusive for this exclusive for moment house and then they watch it for what you can watch for how long we're gonna give it to them forever that's it forever yeah so i'll just after like the two weeks or whatever you can buy it for two weeks and then after that we'll just give them a an unlisted link you don't have to buy it right now now would you yeah don't buy now would you now after the two weeks is up right will you sell is there a look at that he bought a ticket right there live fucking go is there an ability to sell that not special to a streaming service of some sort or no i I own it.
So it's like I can do whatever I want with it. In my mind, I just want as many people to see as possible.
So you put it on YouTube. Maybe having parts of it on YouTube or maybe Instagram or these different things.
Because that's what sells the tickets. You guys experience that.
Yeah, yeah. So it's like for me, you have the freedom to do that.
If you do a special with a traditional network, they go, okay, you can put three minutes out.

We'll pick the minutes that you can put out.

Sometimes I see the clips that they choose for Netflix, for people's specials, and I'm like, are you not concerned that they put this one minute out?

What I never understood about clipping from a corporate level is sometimes they're clipping a setup.

And that's it.

And you're like, why? There's no punch and that's it. And you're like,

well,

there's no punch.

I know payoff.

And it's like,

this is what's supposed to convince people to go watch the special.

I don't get it.

This is the, this is the unique way to do something,

to give people a little taste like you do,

because you know what Rudy said,

Rudy goes,

I know him.

I see him on Tik TOK a lot.

Yeah.

Isn't that what he said?

Yeah.

Cause you do right.

And the reason on Tik TOK all the time and you see his clip and you watch the joke and you're like, give him a pound. And you watch the joke, and you go, funny.
You liked it, huh? Yeah. See? So that's what fucking works.
The reason why you're doing this is because somebody wanted you to edit. Yeah.
They wanted me to cut a few jokes. Cut a few jokes.
And you want to mention who it was? It's CISO. Everybody knows it was CISO.
CISO. So CISO wanted you to cut out, right? You know what I mean? Yeah.
A couple of jokes. And you just basically, was it Roku? I think it was Roku.
It was Roku. It was CISO or Roku.
It was 2B. It was 2B.
It was definitely 2B. Not 2B, apparently.
Did you consider it? Did you consider it? No. No.
Did you argue? You go, no. And then they came back, well, then we can't.
I wasn't like bullied. Like, here's the thing.
I don't have an issue with streamers. Like, I have stuff coming out on different streamers.
I just think like with stand-up, for me, I built a career off of stand-up. Like, just putting my clips out online.
So, I don't want to water it down the second I put out like the big extravaganza. Yeah.
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Bad Friends.

You know what's interesting though?

Like the thing that got the articles going

is like it was I bought it back.

They liked that.

Then there was like the censorship thing.

That was cool.

Still nothing.

And then I dropped the joke

and I was like, here's one of the jokes

they wanted me to cut.

And it was one of these abortion bits.

Yeah.

And it was the trifecta of like abortion,

censorship, buying it back. And they're like, ooh, that's a story.
Yeah, right. Because abortion's in the zeitgeist.
Yeah. And I really learned kind of how media works a bit from seeing this.
Oh, yeah. To see how they click, click, click.
How it does like the perfect triangle. Yes.
Yeah. Any negative backlash or no? I'm sure when a special comes out like people see it, there'll be people who are upset at certain jokes.
It's natural. Yeah, look, when you do a special with a network, you're doing it for all the people who watch the network.
And some people just watch Housewives. Some people just watch the cartoons.
So they might be upset about this. When you put it out yourself, you're just worried about your fans.
So they have an expectation for the comedy. Last night, Harlan Williams went up on stage in the main room.
one of the best comics I've seen in years and years and I mean that wholeheartedly when he fucking riffs he's unstoppable dude hilarious he's unstoppable he did this bit on stage he crushes he was at a mall and there was a guy with a tracheotomy tracheotomy and he thought it was a dolphin and he does a dolphin noise with a tracheotomy you know what I mean and he threw by fish and she threw it in the air. And the guy caught it with his tracheotomy or whatever it might have been, right? Yeah.
And a group of 25 women from the main room all got up and left. Oh, wow.
Asian women. But one white woman was crying.
Oh, really? So I followed them out because I want to know. Do Asians kill the dolphins? Isn't that your thing? Don't you like fucking call? That's the Japanese.
And this is one crazy cove.

Okay.

What is it called?

Is it a murder cove or something?

No, it's called the cove.

It's called the cove.

And also, can I just say something?

Hey, dolphins, if you see a bloody cove, don't swim into it.

Yeah, that's their fault.

Yeah, it's their fault.

They're out there, and one of the women's crying, and I walk up and I go, you know, like, fake concerned.

Why are you crying? Like that. That's your fake concern? Yeah.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha you crying? Is this the guy in the truck again? Get on in. Anyway.
Why are you crying, sweetheart? Ding. She goes, that bastard.
I go, who? Harlan, the nicest guy on planet Earth? He's like the sweetest dude. Yeah, sweetest guy on planet Earth.
Yeah. My father had a tracheotomy.
Yeah. Right? And he struggled for so many years.
Right? And I'm like, and? And she goes, he made fun of him. I go go it's a comedy club do not go back in there yeah because i was next yeah well you do not yeah do not go back she's no but i understand comedy i understand it i think he went too far i go then don't watch mine yeah that's bad is she she thinks that's bad yeah yeah of small because you're with 24 asian women and I talk about their pussy color.
Yeah, he does. Oh, dark.
He does a big bit about it. Ow! Dark.
Yeah, yeah. Dark, right? The sensitivity of crowds and that's only surprising.
I'll say it's still rare. I think it's still rare.
It is? I think more times than not, most people, nine times out of ten at a comedy show, are in for the wild ride. You're going to get a few rogues in there.
Because you're seeing your fans. No, no, no.
I'm talking about at the store. At the store.
Yeah. They're coming to Hollywood or New York, right, and going, wow, we're about to see some edgy stuff.
They want to pretend that they're open, right? But if you did the same act in front of a random crowd in the midwest that didn't know who you were yeah right they would be offended not the midwest no we did that for a year i did it for years yeah that's how we built our careers la maybe but not the midwest what do you mean the midwest like the midwest they're less offended by things for sure i did i did i don't know what you're saying are Are you serious? Yeah, I don't know what you're saying. You think that people in San Francisco are more easygoing with jokes than people in the Midwest? I think the argument that you're saying is this, and I'm probably going to lose this, right? I want to go in.
Bro, he always sets himself up. He's just like, look, I know this is wrong.

I'm going to spend three more minutes talking about it.

No, no, no.

That's not what I'm doing.

All the time.

I still believe my point of view.

Yeah.

But I know what the argument is.

Then give it to him.

Yeah.

Your argument is that liberalism creates this wokeness and cancel culture, right?

And they're more sensitive.

Is that what you're saying?

Is that your point of view?

Not liberalism as much as like. religion and christianity ruins it i believe when you go to the midwest and you talk about down syndrome or you talk about you can't see the r word like i've i've been on the midwest and have religious people come up to me and go you said down syndrome my son had down syndrome so well then you shouldn't fuck when you're on drugs and that's why you have a I get mean.
Is that what makes it? I get really mean. What? Is that what makes it?

What makes what down syndrome? No, I'm just kidding. I just I was honest like I don't When somebody put a disclaimer Yeah, so your argument though is is that people in speak cities and liberal cities are more sensitive No big people in big cities are more sensitive.
These you have to be,

you don't get to go to your house and just ignore everybody. Like you live on top next to and below people.

So you have to be a little bit more considerate because in order for us all

to function,

we have to be considerate.

Yeah.

But when they go to a comedy club,

I feel like they,

you know what I mean?

They know they're more aware of their farm because liberals,

they go like this.

Oh my God.

What is that person feeling?

Oh my God. My music's really loud.
Could that be bothering somebody? Yeah. Right? Oh, my God.
That person, is she upset at that joke? And that's kind of the mentality. Whereas if you have a fucking ranch in Ohio, it's like, don't tread on me, bro.
Like, well, yeah, okay. You have your own ranch.
Yeah, you don't – Nobody is worried about you. Yeah, I find those people to be bad for me.
Which one? Who's your audience? The tread on me. I've had them pick me up.
Like, after shows, like in the South, like big Southern guy, pick me up and go, you're the funniest Chinese guy I've ever seen. People pick me up, you know what I mean? And go, God damn it, honey, look at him.
Maybe you are the funniest Chinese guy I've ever seen. Yeah, but my point is that, and I've had the most people walk out, you know what I mean, in Texas or the Midwest, like, he was offensive.
He showed me his penis. All this stuff.
It's against God's... Well, do you show your penis? No.
Because that could be an issue. Because they'll be like, it's a comedy show.
And then... No, I know it's my penis.
But it is funny. No, it's terrifying.
And to this day, it's one of the scariest things that's ever happened. I could do it now and you would laugh.

What made me laugh was your fingers.

Your fingers get like rigor mortis when you do it.

You go like this.

I know.

Yeah.

It's all a part of the character, dude.

Yeah.

It's all a part of the deal.

What are you doing on your phone?

Nothing.

You know, your attitude.

I can call you out right now, dude.

Okay.

The last dinner we had, I had to pay for it.

You got damn right you did. Yeah.
And I spent over $1,000 Yes you did Where'd you guys go? We took Juicy to fucking Mastro's And he leaves Oh I have a golf tournament Every time it's a golf tournament Golf tournament I was going to a show It was fucking 8pm There's always something he has to do And I'm always left with the fucking bill Time out And I have proof right here You said your fucking mouth I'm going to pay for the bill. Why are you getting aggressive? I'm just asking a question.
Don't fucking do that. Don't fucking set me up.
Fancy? I'm the innocent one. Fancy? You're the proof.
He said I want to pay. Am I the innocent one? Did he not say he wanted to pay? I said yes on the other show but now I'm going to say no.
I think you just left in the right timing for Bobby to pick up the the bill you're fired I love it and you know what let me fucking fire dude what you you know before you gaslighting thank you Carlos you fucking gaslighted you shit but now dude you're back on the team and that's why you did that so you get back on your fucking team and Carlos you know that's right and I know what you're doing dude look at me right now dude look at me all right so scum you're you're a piece of shit you're a of shit. You know what? I'll call Jesse because Juicy knew that you said you wanted to pay.
I'm sorry, Andrew. No, no, this is really entertaining.
I just want to say this, right? Yeah, yeah. And this is the truth, and I hope this doesn't interfere for our friendship and our chemistry and our show, right? Yeah.
But you really need to pay the next time because you're crossing a line. And I believe that you're- Let me tell you something right now.
I'm not done talking. No, you are done.
Let me tell you something right now, you little fucking piece of shit. Now, let me tell you something.
I do pay for the biggest dinner. I paid for the biggest dinner we ever had.
Which one? You fucking fat turd. Which one? You fucking fat piece of shit.
Where? Which one? Go ahead and tell him, fancy. Christmas.
I don't remember how fucking Christmas dinner would be. And you ordered fucking five appetizers.

In San Diego?

Where were we for

Christmas?

Maestro's.

In Maestro's,

you fat fuck.

You ordered the whole

fucking menu.

Seafood tower,

fat ass.

Fucking four tomahawks.

Fuck you.

Shut the fuck up.

You pay for that?

You fucking right I did.

I'm sorry then.

God damn right.

That's all you have to say.

Are we done?

No.

That's all you have to say for you. done? No.
That's all you have to say

but now everyone listening right now

they see how fucking crazy you are, dude.

I didn't know.

I was asking you a question, dude.

Put up gaslight again.

You saw it.

Put up gaslight again.

Did you not see?

Fucking scumbag.

Dude, you need help.

Time out.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Andrew Special is available now.

Please go to Moment House and watch it. Incredible, dude.
That's crazy shit. You can't tell an Italian he didn't offer to pay for dinner.
God damn. Fucking right.
You can't. I mean, it's a cultural thing.
By the way, nobody lived Italy the way that you lived Italy. Bro, you had a nice time in fucking Italy.
After he left, that's when I showed up. Right when his vacation was done, we went there.
Oh, so you never got to see each other? No, he was also with his fucking beautiful wife. Let me ask you, what's the best meal you had in Italy? I'm curious.
Sotto Salle. What is that? Big shout out to Sotto Salle, a restaurant in Favagnana, a little island.
So what I did was we went to a group of island chains off of Sicily, but we went to a place called Sottosale and you know what? One of those moments happened where it's a local spot. It was a Michelin or a fucking whatever and the cat who ran the place loved the dude that I was with because he's like this smooth British motherfucker and this dude, I mean dude, showed us the rope.
He chilled with us all night, was drinking wine with us. All the other tables, pissed.
Pissed because they got no love. They got no love.
Was he a fan of yours? No, he just, the guy that I'm with is smooth. He's a smooth motherfucker.
And he knew how to talk to him into getting us a good table. And the guy was like, I don't know, how many people do you have? And he did it so cool and was so right to him and was like I'll break off the staff yeah

you know do the right thing

so this dude

loved us

and he just wanted to sit

and chat

and he was pouring wine

breaking open cellar wine

and shit

your wife was there

yeah

it was me

us

another couple

and then one of his sons

and his son's friend

and the meal was just

unbelievable

but you could see

other people like this

like can we go

like why the fuck

are they getting

all of this shit

we would get

you know he'd come out

he'd be like

you know from the chef

Thank you. And I was like, you love that shit.
You love when it's just for you. Yeah, you would love it.
I'm like everyone else, man. I'll wait in line.
Shut the fuck. So Sicily was crazy or what? So look, I love Sicily.
I love going to the islands. boat we had a catamaran we just went island hopping stayed on the boat yeah but we'd stay in the marina right so you well we dropped we dropped anchor like twice in a harbor where there was no brit where there was no waves but we'd stay in the marina you go into town get dinner drinks whatever come back then the next day we'd boat out to another little bay swim all day fuck, fuck off, then go to another Island.
Amazing. But Favignana, man, what a fucking, the only problem is people in the group, not everybody is a huge seafood for South Italy.
You gotta like seafood. You gotta like seafood.
That's you. If you're like a red sauce, meatball, spaghetti guy, you gotta go up top.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. But seafood galore.
I mean, it was fucking, I had the most fun I've had in a long time and i even facetimed bobby i see i'm still thinking about you even when i'm on vacation didn't i never facetimed yes i did i have proof of it right here did i open up my fucking no you didn't pick up okay so that that means you didn't no no i did right there look at it 757 522 i mean you should do it for a second just to show it on there my point is is this i didn't pick up so that's no you never pick you can't use that as a thing and you're inconsiderate i check but my point is in terms of the godfather stuff did anything happen did you go no you didn't have time to go because i missed it because i was doing a thing for moment house with bad friends okay i see what you're doing anyway how no you that's what literally what happened i see what you're doing no no no and then also by the way right as we got there James Condot God bless one of the best you better not say anything bad about Santino Santino oh yeah Godfather he did die that's great I'm did die. That's great.
I love, dude, I'm a huge James Connett. Don't say anything bad.
What do you mean? Don't say anything bad. Elf.
Godfather. He was in Bottle Rocket.
I'm friends with his son. Don't say anything bad.
Bottle Rocket. He was the fucking man.
He's the best, dude. Anyway, and I'm going to say this right now, and this is going to offend some people, and that's okay.
But after we went to Italy, I went up to Dublin, spent a few days in the other motherland for me. And? I got to tell you something.
I love Ireland. Easy.
These are my people. These are fucking my people.
Yeah. I had one of the best times.
I loved it so much. I love Ireland.
Okay. Every amount of the people look like.
I understand. They might.
I understand. Have blood together.
Really? A lot of the people there look like they might have been so related. Yeah.
Yeah. Like you'll see 50 of them and you'll be like, this is a family reunion.
Yeah. And they all look, they kind of are looking like...
Yeah. I got a little nervous.
There was a few times where I'm like, these people aren't related. These people look...
Yeah. Because dude, at the end of the day, I'm not trying to shit on my people.
I'm just trying to say, it is an island. But so is Sicily and you don't get that vibe so what's going on here but Sicily Sicily touches the boot it almost it's fucking it's right there and also like Africa so it's like everybody's in and out of there yeah because Tunisia's right there yeah yeah yeah but Ireland it's out there it's way out there yeah and to get to another place to get another person it takes a lot of time and when you're a sheep farmer and all that stuff and you know like your cousins have been on the rise up do they fuck the sheep up they do yeah yeah they very much do my mom's from scotland it's a real thing but at least scotland can go down to england look at this the data based on we we fuck the sheep 71 of all uh marriages in this period indicate a first cousin marriage rate of about one in 720 okay see so one in 700 Is that weird? Why are you looking at me? It's not that weird.
It's not that fucking weird.

It's not weird, man.

We weren't just judging the Philippines.

This is white people shit, too.

Everywhere. one in 700 people.
It's not that weird. Why are you looking at me? It's not that weird, dude.
It's not that fucking weird. It's not weird, man.
We weren't just judging the Philippines. This is white people shit, too.
Dude, look at how shocking. The figures for the Republic of Ireland is approximately 91% of all marriages indicate a first cousin marriage rate of about one in 625.
So one in 600 people, I'm going to see a... Yeah, that's tough.
Yeah, dude. It's an island.
It's an island. Look at Australia.
They're all the same yeah they're all fucking they have no chin no chin i saw a couple of guys at the end about no chin buggy eye and you're like wow there's something going on oh look at this what country which country has the highest inbreed? Data and inbreeding several contemporary human populations

are compared to showing the highest local race inbreed.

Brazil, Japan, India, and Israel.

Brazil is number one?

Brazil's fucking...

It's massive.

It's so big.

It's massive, yeah, yeah.

How are you fucking your family?

It's so big.

And their martial arts is breakdancing,

so maybe that has something to do with it.

Capoeira.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, so when they're doing that, they're fucking.

They're fucking.

That's a dance to fuck.

That's a dance to fuck.

Oh, I get it.

India's wild, too.

India's two billion people.

They can't stop fucking.

Thank you. Capoeira Yeah yeah yeah Oh so when they're When they're doing that They're fucking They're fucking That's a dance to fuck That's a dance to fuck Oh I guess India's wild too Like India's 2 billion people They can't stop fucking That's why they're fucking Their cousins These people are fucking Everything Japan is a surprise No No Island There's no new people there No new people Yeah but my point is They're so brilliant and smart What does that have to do With anything What do you mean There's no new people But you think the inbreeding You would think through generations that they'd be just a dumber people.
No, I don't think that happens necessarily. Uh-uh, yeah.
Oh, you're saying that inbreeding that doesn't affect intelligence or anything I don't think so. I think.
So if a brother and sister I mean, cousins one thing but I've seen in cases in the South where brothers and sisters have a baby and they come out a little bit you know, like, you know. Kind of like, you know.
I need to save myself a little bit. No, no, bit no i love ireland yeah i'm not saying everybody there is an inbred no but you're saying they look ugly i'm just saying right like that's kind of what you're saying no what i'm saying no i'm saying a lot of people look alike and look at the sexual relations and cohabitation and privity is not approximately 2.2 percent of all marriages in the united states are between second cousins so hey we're not we're either.
All right? That means that there are about 250,000 Americans that are in relationships with their cousins. Yeah.
A quarter of a million people are dating their cousins. So white chicks have to just fuck Asians and stuff.
I mean, if you're a white girl out there, right? And you're like, I like white dudes only, right? Think about it, right? They could be your cousin. Yeah.
Right? So go black or Mexican. It's like the odds are...
What do you think of a girl? If you made love to a 50-year-old old Korean man who's a little chubby... 51.
Almost 51. Yeah, you're right.
Think about it like this, though. In the order of white girls who want to fuck outside of white men, where do you think you are on the list? Don't be rude.
No, no, I'm asking. I think you're being rude.
I'm not. It's a question.
I posed a question. Let me ask Andrew this.
What do you think you are on the list don't be rude no no i'm asking i think you're being rude i'm not yeah it's a question i posed a question let me ask andrew this what do you think we are what did you just say what the fuck did you just try to say yeah what do you think if a white girl is like i don't want to have sex with white dudes, they're fucking gross, and they're going to some other category of men, where are you? Koreans or you think just me specifically? You're not fucking Shang-Chi. You're not that guy.
In terms of Asians, you're not Shang-Chi. You're not the really rich Asian guy who's fucking a piece.
Yeah, he's a piece. He's a dine.
You know what I mean? You know that guy? But you're sexy. But seriously.
You're sexy. No, be real.
I want you to be real. Dude, look at how fucking hot that guy is.
Holy fuck. Listen, he's pretty handsome.
The other guy is ridiculous. The pretty rich Asians is fucking gorgeous.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Crazy rich Asians.
Crazy rich Asians. Jimmy O'Yang he's talking about.
Yeah, Jimmy O'Yang is absolutely... You're above William Hung.
Hey! You're above William Hung. That's good.
Stop. Thanks for coming, man.
That's fucking rude. I said above.
Wait, wait, stop. I said below.
Wait above. Hold on.
When he gets up, when he stands up, he's gonna do Gang Gangnam style. Do the thing.
Do it. Oh, you're above Psy.
You're above Psy. You're above Psy.
You're above every Squid Game. You're above every Squid Game.
You're above every Squid Game. What else? What else? I like this direction.
You're below Jeremy Lin. 100%.
You're above Yao Ming. Yes.
Okay, that's good. I think because Yao Ming is just odd looking, right? Yeah, he's just too wrong.
Just saying Yao Ming and not the odd looking part, and let's move on. No, Yao Ming is odd looking.
Let me ask you something. Okay.
Ken Jeong. Yeah, you're above him.
Oh, my God. Thank you so much for saying that.
But Ken's money is thicker. Ken's money might be thicker.
It is thicker. No, here's the thing.
Below Ronnie Chang. Oh, yeah.
Ronnie's a piece, dude. He's a piece, bud.
Ronnie's a piece. Jimmy O'Yang.
You're above Jimmy O'Yang. I don't know.
I think that's a – I don't know, man. No, you're above Jimmy O'Yang.
I got to be honest with you. It might be a – That hurts so bad.
Jimmy's a good-looking kid. I know, but you know what? Being 51 almost, and he's younger, much younger.
Much. And he's got a very beautiful girlfriend, so I'm going to take that.
I'll be even with him. Oh, if you match for age, like if you brought your age down, like forget it.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I kill it. I kill it.
I kill it. Thank you so much.
But that's not what's happening right now. Yeah, yeah.
Who else is there? What are other Asian males? Well, there are ones that are obvious that they're above. Daniel Day Kim, obviously.
Allie Wong. She's a girl.
Still. Who cares? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you're above her. Oh, good, good, good.
Thank you, thank you. You're above Allie Wong.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. No, no, no.
No chance. You're a hotter guy.
Randall Park. Randall Park.
No, Randall Park's above me. Way above.
Not way. No way.
Randall Park and you? Way above. He's way.
I'm sorry. You think that's way above he's look at his jawline he's tall he looks like john linguizamo he does yeah and that's not good john linguizamo john linguizamo was handsome he's handsome sexy guy yeah no randall's hot dude no randall's good five five nine he's fucking he's huge he's tower's funnier? I mean, come on.
Randall Park.

Whoa.

You really believe that?

Whoa. What are you talking about?

Whoa.

You really believe that?

You blink when you get...

You really believe that?

No, man.

Be honest.

Be honest.

I can handle it.

You're by far the funniest.

That's all I care about.

Funny.

You're the funniest Asian, I think, alive right now. Period.
Name a funnier Asian. Kim Jong-un.
Dude is hilarious. Dude is funny.
Dude is funny. He does funny.
You do hurtful things. I like it.
Kim Jong-un is funnier than you. Don't watch your special.
Don't watch your special. It's a rip off.
Kim Jong-un. You watch my special.
We're donating all the money to North Korea. That is hilarious.
That's how it's doing. Bro, that's real.
He's objectively funny. That's not Halloween, dude.
That's his everyday attire. Holy shit, dude.
What did he say to the barber when he was like, what kind of hair do you want? So, you know. So, you know, you watch Three Stooges? You watch Three Stooges? Yeah, I watch Three Stooges.
Well, I want a combo between the two. More? You know more? Yeah, I already.
And the fucking barber's like scared because he's never seen that before. So he's just clipping around.
And then he's like, how about this? And he's He's got inside. Look at that one.
He's lost weight. But he's kind of got a flat top on that.
Yeah, he lost weight recently. Yeah, yeah.
Did he really? Yeah. Wait, let's see.
How much weight did he lose? To the right. Oh, wow.
Is that photoshopped or no? That's photoshopped. That's an Instagram filter.
He didn't lose any weight. Yeah, maybe.
He looks much thinner. I'm the barber for that.
And you're the guy. You be Kim Jong-un.
No, you be Kim Jong-un. No, what you do? I love when you do Asian accents.
You have a good Asian accent. I love your Asian accent.
You have a good Asian accent. Good morning, Supreme Leader Kim.
Hello. Wow.
So you didn't like the Mo and Le Ari? No, I have seen a new movie called Do the Right Thing. This hair black people have.
Fro? Where black people attack us. That's hilarious.
This is like an 80s fucking fro cut. Yeah.
This is 100% the story a spikely joint totally say go to momenthouse.com go to momenthouse.com put Andrew Schultz in the google search he's on the main fucking page he's on the main search and honestly see that because I honestly and I hate to I hate to blow fucking wind up your ding dong but when I saw you at Montreal and we did that show together right when I saw you the first night because I didn't know who the fuck you were right I literally didn't and I go I'll watch this guy I sat there and I just realized I go oh no this guy is pure funny like legit comedy and you know what I love about him is he takes a point of view that's the opposing opposite and he makes it he proves a point yeah you know you can you yeah i know you can you can take the opposing off it but you most comics they fail but this guy pulls it off and that's so it's the craftsmanship of craftsmanship of it very you get it out I didn't step on it thank you bro I appreciate it anyway watch Andrew Schultz's Moment House special thank you man Fancy has a movie that he produced called American Carnage I'm gonna watch it what is it on YouTube it's on every VOD platform and on the movie theaters but also get it everywhere VOD. But also, by the way, tell him.
It's filled with very good actors. Jenna Ortega's fucking huge.
Do you know who that is? Yeah, she's great. He's fucking huge.
And George Lindbergh Jr., who I know. Yeah, I know him well.
It looks like a great movie. Isn't that the one with, what's his name in it? Eric Dane.
Eric Dane. Eric Dane.
I'm friends with Eric. All right, look at this.
Yeah, yeah. So go watch American Carnage after you I'm gonna be honest with you go to Moment House and buy Andrew Schultz's special and watch it you're gonna love it and watch American Carnage if you've got a couple of bucks laying around then in your next paycheck yeah then go watch this on VOD go watch American Carnage to support the Fancy B because we love him very much we do love him our bad, love you, dog.
Love you. Thank you, babe.
Thank you so much for being a bad friend.

Dude, thank you guys for having me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Love you, man.

Thank you.

Thank you. Woo-hoo.
Yeah.

Woo-hoo.