Steve-O’s B-Hole Beauty Pageant

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. What's up, bro?

Speaker 1 Are you flipping it inside out, man?

Speaker 1 What happened? Why'd you have to flip it?

Speaker 1 Oh, you didn't know it was inside out?

Speaker 1 Oh, I like it. Now we're there.

Speaker 1 Hello. Hi.
Rudy.

Speaker 1 Hello. This is the

Speaker 1 Stevo.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 You have pretty good feet, huh? You don't like your feet?

Speaker 1 I don't feel strongly one way or the other.

Speaker 1 About your feet, you have no opinion on it. I feel like you're being mean to them.

Speaker 1 Those are pretty normal feet.

Speaker 1 You have such ugly feet, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so don't comment about other people's feet. I want this to come towards me.
George, get on it. George, get on it.
Start spreading the news.

Speaker 1 Steve-O is here. You don't like that chair, dude? So when do we start?

Speaker 1 Can I tell my story? I have a story I wanted to tell, but

Speaker 1 we already started. Oh, yeah, yeah, can you start? This is how we start.
This is how we start. Yeah, yeah.
All right. Can we do this?

Speaker 1 Can we all tell stories? Can we all talk? You know, when we talk, can we all talk? Yeah, we'll do it. Because I don't like what you just did.
What did I just do? You guys completely ignored me.

Speaker 1 Who the fuck are you talking to?

Speaker 1 He was talking, then you interrupted him, and you wanted to tell a story, and nobody gave a fuck about your shit story he had to finish what he was saying he don't do anything why did you do a pause i i already forgot i'm i'm

Speaker 1 i know quite

Speaker 1 what i'm quite exhausted what'd you do today yeah um i just was in the edit bay all day whoa for your own shit yeah yeah movie what is it no no i was working on a youtube video called My 10 Craziest Arrests.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's right. Yeah, top 10.

Speaker 1 Not all. How many times have you been arrested? I mean, really,

Speaker 1 probably about 14. Maybe it was

Speaker 1 12 to 14. Two times you've been arrested.
Yeah. How many times have you been arrested? None.

Speaker 1 Jewels? Zero. Zero.
No? You've been arrested? Yeah. For what?

Speaker 1 Urinating in public and then disorderly conduct, fighting.

Speaker 1 A bunch of people got arrested for being in a fight. It's college.
Oh, I see.

Speaker 1 I didn't get arrested for anything real. Maybe more.
Well, I bit a bat. I bit a bat.
You got arrested for biting a bat or you just want to talk about biting a bat? No, I got arrested for biting a bat.

Speaker 1 How? What do you mean? I was a Osborne. I started the COVID.
Anyway, go on.

Speaker 1 I just remembered one. Yeah.
I mean, it was rather insignificant, but it technically counted as an arrest. I was driving in Beverly Hills with expired tags, a broken windshield.

Speaker 1 You know, my license was suspended, which meant I had no insurance. And when the cop, you you know sort of took inventory of what was happening he said there's too much

Speaker 1 going on wrong here so it's actually not a traffic situation this is a criminal matter and I technically have to arrest you but but I like you so I called the

Speaker 1 you know the police station whatever and and they they gave me permission to to

Speaker 1 to release you but I'm giving you your court summons technically you're being arrested but but he recognized you from the jackass.

Speaker 1 Perhaps, yeah. It was a catch and release situation.

Speaker 1 And so he said, but I can't let you drive home from here. He says, I'm going to have to tow your car and call you a cab.
Okay. So he called me a cab.
And I'll never forget.

Speaker 1 I was in the cab and I just looked at that car as the cab pulled away and just waved goodbye to it because I knew that I was not going to bother trying to get it back from

Speaker 1 the tower.

Speaker 1 You said goodbye to the car. I let the tow yard keep the car.
And the sad thing about that was that my clown,

Speaker 1 I was a professional clown before that. And it had like my juggling torches and

Speaker 1 my extra. Those are expensive.
Those are tough. Because him and I, you know, we went to the juggling torch store.
And the high-end ones are very expensive. Seven or eight grand.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know about seven or eight grand, but we go to a nice store. Titanium,

Speaker 1 titanium made out of alloys right but uh yeah my my my clown wig from uh wringling brothers and barnum and billy clown college and it's it's it's probably still in the trunk of that goddamn car yeah yeah fuck probably a waste of money going to the college but

Speaker 1 i was actually free

Speaker 1 you went to clown college well you had a scholarship full ride

Speaker 1 clown college bro well i mean now i was living with my sister in albuquerque new mexico yeah and she she wasn't very thrilled about this. I was an alcoholic.
I was a slob.

Speaker 1 I was unemployed and broke, eating all of her food, making the house a mess. And

Speaker 1 she was taking a shit at work when reading a book of trivia

Speaker 1 while taking a shit, she came across a question. It said, what is the only college that has no tuition? Just free to go to?

Speaker 1 And the answer was, Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Clown College has no tuition. If you can get it, it was very difficult to get in.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 1 the cool thing is they do charge you for what was called your

Speaker 1 materials,

Speaker 1 for making your costume. Your costume

Speaker 1 costs like some $2,000 that you had to,

Speaker 1 but they waived my

Speaker 1 costume fee. So I did go to clown college on a scholarship.
On a scholarship. Why did they waive your fee, you think?

Speaker 1 Because you were so fucking fucking good. Oh, no, wait, that's my actual class right there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the big shoe review. That one.

Speaker 1 Are you in the poster?

Speaker 1 I'm sure I recognize. Oh, god damn it.
Is that you? You in there? Okay, I'm top right.

Speaker 1 That's right. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom.
Dad, the one with the white, the white wig that looks kind of like Nikki Six's hair. Yeah, right.
That's me.

Speaker 1 And that's me above you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, actually,

Speaker 1 the guy above me didn't speak English. He was from Mexico City, but he was incredibly talented.
Oh, really? What makes him...

Speaker 1 He giggled good?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What makes you talented? You're being real diminutive.

Speaker 1 What? You're being real fucking diminutive about clown. You don't know shit about clown college.
You think you need to get to it. I don't know who you are.
What's the talent of clown college?

Speaker 1 It's a very subjective art. And

Speaker 1 I think that this guy was

Speaker 1 just compelling in his mannerisms. Right.
Do you think I could have gone to clown clown I think that you would have been a fantastic clown. No.

Speaker 1 Dude, one of the best, probably. Oh, yeah.
Dude, I would be the bro. I would be the Michael Jordan of Clown College.
There's never been a famous Asian clown, and there never will be. Do you know why?

Speaker 1 Because we have strict parents. No, no, no.
Yeah, yeah. No.

Speaker 1 Imagine this.

Speaker 1 Can you Google? It's all in the eyes with clowning. Wow, dude.

Speaker 1 Oh, so much. Oh, I see.
I see. See, dude, it really was me.
That is you.

Speaker 1 That is me, dude.

Speaker 1 Can you look up famous asian clown

Speaker 1 there's never been my dude yeah it's all in the eyes dude yeah

Speaker 1 if you say the eye thing again yeah but i'm serious look at all the expressionism

Speaker 1 i mean dude

Speaker 1 dude dude is that an asian clown

Speaker 1 absolutely an asian dude that's dope bro hunkahunka

Speaker 1 no chance

Speaker 1 there's no fucking chance there was a famous Asian club.

Speaker 1 There's another one. There's two of other ones.
We never said there was not an Asian. The most Asian disappointed Asian parents.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 There is an Asian clown. There's no famous Asian clown.
I see. I see.
Just never, they never made it. So I have a resentment towards you.
Can I ask that?

Speaker 1 Real. This is not even a.

Speaker 1 Are you not fucking around? You're not even fucking around. This is real.
And this is so fucked up what you did. Maybe, maybe we can clear away some wreckage of my past.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm doing right now. And it's a recent thing, so it's a recent thing.
I welcome the opportunity. Okay, good.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 so i'm hanging out with my friend gene late at night we went to see the movie um top gun okay okay you're looking at and i've only heard positive reviews of this movie we loved it so that i would highly suggest it's so good it's late at night it's probably 11 30 and um steve oh never textes me

Speaker 1 text he never texts me well i gave up on texting you a long time ago because you never respond Correct. Okay.
And I've long had a resentment towards you for that.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, and I'm willing to listen to your resentment, and I'd love to address that as well. Right, I mean, we have, we have, and we will.
All right, so let me just finish mine, though. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me finish mine, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I need to talk to you. No, no, no.
I said, are you up?

Speaker 1 Okay, are you up?

Speaker 1 Much less urgent. Just hurry up.

Speaker 1 Mind you, mind you. Are you up, right?

Speaker 1 At midnight. when somebody doesn't text you for years is alarming.

Speaker 1 Okay. Is it not? Wait, wait.

Speaker 1 It said, are you up? Yeah. What time of night was it? Midnight.
Yeah, he's just being like, yo, did you get out of a show? Are you hanging out? That doesn't

Speaker 1 hear you out. So he would never...
What?

Speaker 1 Okay, because

Speaker 1 that would just let me say, that would mean, right? If you text me at midnight, are you up? That means you need to talk about something. Yeah, okay.
Right? So that's.

Speaker 1 That doesn't mean it's the end of the world. I just want to ask you something.
I want to talk to you. All right.
But to me, I'm worried. Okay.
Right. Are you up?

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck, Steve, something's going on, right?

Speaker 1 So i'm driving i and just hear me out right ask gene i was frantic i gotta call steve right now so i call steve i did call right away i called right away because

Speaker 1 when you text me like what's up dude you want to go skate or whatever like that i won't text you back but are you up i text back because i'm concerned i love you i mean you call dave i love you right that means a lot and he goes dude

Speaker 1 let me just try to you know what i mean

Speaker 1 dude uh you know johnny knoxville like of course i know johnny i mean i don't know him personally. You know what I mean? Well, you know, he doesn't have a website or something like that, right?

Speaker 1 Something like that. Well, right, but I was like, just let me finish.
Let me just. I thought he just texted you the link.

Speaker 1 I know, I know.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Let me finish.

Speaker 1 This is so funny. Like, you're so inaccurately telling the story.

Speaker 1 And then, when he corrects you, you go, Let me finish. Let me finish.

Speaker 1 You're getting it wrong. Right, right, right.
And then he's correcting, and you're like, Can I please tell the story? It was a big deal to me

Speaker 1 that,

Speaker 1 I mean, this is over a year ago, well, maybe closer to two years ago,

Speaker 1 my buddy,

Speaker 1 who I work with, out of curiosity,

Speaker 1 he wanted to see if the jackass guys had merchandising operations, if they had websites. So he typed in johnnyknoxville.com.
Lo and behold, he found it to be available for purchase.

Speaker 1 And I bought it. Should, yeah.
And I made this big

Speaker 1 dude. I worked for years on this whole fucking thing,

Speaker 1 this epic video, which launched this

Speaker 1 crazy

Speaker 1 business initiative. And it was the night that I was

Speaker 1 unveiling that the website was to be launched. And I'm refreshing it, but it's not launched.
And so I'm thinking, damn, my phone is remembering a cachet of an old version.

Speaker 1 I need to contact somebody who can just tell me, is this fucking site live?

Speaker 1 This makes sense. And I texted Bob.
So I'm the guy. I'm the guy.
I texted a bunch of people. I texted a bunch of people.

Speaker 1 Who texted you back?

Speaker 1 I think you're the only guy who texted me back. Eric called me back.
Because I love you the most.

Speaker 1 You clearly love me more than any of these other people.

Speaker 1 But it was just as simple as, hey, man, is that live? Is that

Speaker 1 live?

Speaker 1 Can we go on our computer? Go to johnnyknoxville.com. This is what I'm doing in the car with my friend in the car with me.
Yeah. Later night.

Speaker 1 So I'm on the phone. I'll go, yep.

Speaker 1 He says, I'm trying not to walk into my anus. And you watch his hair turn gray.
Is that your dick? Steve, whose dick is that? That's just. It's a nice-looking dick.

Speaker 1 Boom. And then you enter the website.
Because it goes through my online store. The guy in the car was a producer of a show of mine.
Yeah. Of a show that I'm doing, right? So, it was embarrassing.

Speaker 1 What's embarrassing? Right.

Speaker 1 I have a guy in the car that I'm trying to impress and be cool, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 meanwhile, now we're looking inside your butthole.

Speaker 1 Well, but his butthole takes you to a site. That's true.
That's true.

Speaker 1 There is a destination. Yeah, you don't think Gene would find that creative?

Speaker 1 It is really pretty special. I'd like to see it again.
Let's loop it again.

Speaker 1 If you don't mind, I do think it's actually a fucking cool thing. I mean, it's a flattering shot of my butthole.
Yeah, and you have a really clean killer. Is that really your butthole?

Speaker 1 It's absolutely my cavernous butthole.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 plus, look at the hang I got on my balls, dude. Yeah, you got a great kid.
You got a killer hang. Dude, I mean, I'm touching water.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 Cool, butt.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 By the way, this is Rudy Jules. This is Jules.
Jules, Steve, what do you think about his butthole and nuts?

Speaker 1 You want to rate him? It's clean. Clean.
Very good. Very deep.
Very deep. Very good.

Speaker 1 It's the camera. It's also ILM, like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Special effects. No, no, no.
That was all raw. That was raw footage.
Oh, that was raw footage? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 There was no

Speaker 1 camera trickery. No filtering.
Yeah, there was no editing.

Speaker 1 It was,

Speaker 1 I mean, the lighting.

Speaker 1 It was a little bit side-lit, so it did look a little bit more cavernous. Maybe, can I judge it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 A little dark.

Speaker 1 Your cheeks were white. If you look at the cavern part, it's really dark.
Right, okay. Right, so I don't know what that's from.
Staining? Huh? Do it again. Watch it again.

Speaker 1 Watch it again.

Speaker 1 Can I propose?

Speaker 1 Watch it again.

Speaker 1 Can you? Alright, so watch it again. Watch.
Can I propose? Wait, wait, let me just

Speaker 1 draw, right? I'm just gonna?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can't press pause on that anyway when it goes. When it does that, it does.
I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show you, right? All right, let's see.
Okay,

Speaker 1 they fucked it up.

Speaker 1 Oh, there it is. No, there it is.
Yeah, there it is. Dark, dark.
That's hair. I fucked up.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 maybe we could

Speaker 1 maybe

Speaker 1 have

Speaker 1 a butthole beauty pageant right now. Very nice.
Let's go. We could

Speaker 1 spread our cheeks as widely. I took a shit like 45 minutes ago.
Let's see your butthole.

Speaker 1 Dude, I took a shit 45 minutes ago. Let's see your butthole, dude.
Can I tell you something that's very premature? Because

Speaker 1 we've only just gotten the samples, and only today did we make the order

Speaker 1 for

Speaker 1 a bulk order,

Speaker 1 like 10,500 packs of Steve-O's butt wipes for your butthole. You got butt wipes coming.
I've got butt wipes, and they're called Steve-Ops. For the butthole.
Steve-O's butt wipes for your butthole.

Speaker 1 Okay, but can I say something? Aren't all butt wipes for the butthole? Why would you need to put the second? Oh, some butt wipes are for, you know, cleaning a counter.

Speaker 1 Like a butt wipes are for like a table. Right.
Waitresses use it sometimes. They do.
They're like, oh, let me wipe the table down before you guys eat. Those are butt wipes.

Speaker 1 Is that a butt wipe? That's not a...

Speaker 1 It's a table butt wipe. No, it's a table butt wipe.
It's a butt wipe for the table. Yeah, we have Steve-O's butt wipes for the butthole.

Speaker 1 In the bathroom. I see it.
You can use those on your own. Uh-oh, here we go.
He's going to show you. Are you spilling the drink? He can spill the drink.
Okay, you can do whatever you want.

Speaker 1 Okay, thanks, Jules.

Speaker 1 I still think we should...

Speaker 1 Steve-O's butt wipes for your butthole.

Speaker 1 And he's got his butthole on the packaging, which is actually pretty fucking nice. Would like that to say, please?

Speaker 1 Let's not get away from the fact that

Speaker 1 Bob, let's do your butthole competition. Let's see if your butthole is as nice as Steve's.
Yeah, it's funny because you talked about his butthole like that.

Speaker 1 I understand that, but since we're doing a competition, right, and since I feel like I'm the champion, you should go first

Speaker 1 because I have the belt, so I think you should go first. What do you mean he's got the belt? He is nice.
Right, but

Speaker 1 in terms of rankings, though, dude,

Speaker 1 you're at number one, but I'm ranked higher than him.

Speaker 1 So, you got to leave? Does she have to leave the room for this? Jules, are you comfortable with butthole? I'll just close my eyes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, me too. All right, so okay.
Oh, my God. Yeah, but I just took a shit like right before we came here.
Okay. Wow, dude, he's really gonna do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 All right, I didn't think it was a good idea. Wow.

Speaker 1 I didn't think they would do it. I didn't think you were ugly.
Was it cool?

Speaker 1 You guys both have gorgeous buttholes.

Speaker 1 Yours is so clean. It is? It's fucking spicy.
Thank you, dude. I didn't see yours.
I had a side angle. Steve saw mine.
You saw the inside of his? Is it pink?

Speaker 1 I assume. I mean, dude,

Speaker 1 for two guys who just took shits,

Speaker 1 both luck just clean enough to keep up. Fuck yeah, man.
Fuck yeah.

Speaker 1 Who do you think of our crew, if you're looking at these guys, who do you think has the cleanest butthole of those three guys? I don't know, but I'm just wildly impressed by both of you for

Speaker 1 how attractive your buttholes are. Thank you, Steve.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 for the way that you guys just fucking broke them out. We did it.
Thank you, thank you. And you know what? Yeah.
Our buttholes are the same.

Speaker 1 We both have nice buttholes. You know, it's so funny.
Don't. Can I say something? Don't try to one-up my-upping you.
Yeah. I'm agreeing with you.
Thank you. What I'm saying is,

Speaker 1 I like to be competitive with you. Sure.
With comedy, numbers, all these things. You know, we do a playful.
Numbers? I don't know.

Speaker 1 But when it comes to buttholes, I love being on an even plane with you. We're an even plane butthole.
Yeah. You're right.
Very good. And God bless.
Do you want to finish the story of the text?

Speaker 1 This was it. You got a text from him about getting to a website live.
You freaked out in front of Gene Hong.

Speaker 1 I mean, I. It seems pretty long.

Speaker 1 Can I get an apology?

Speaker 1 I wanted the apology. God bless.

Speaker 1 This was the fucking most exciting news. And I

Speaker 1 gave him

Speaker 1 a sneak peek.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I've been talking to you on the phone in years.
We saw you came up on the van to my house, and I I did your podcast with you five, six months ago. It was wildly successful.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 And you're welcome. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Don't wink at me. You're welcome.

Speaker 1 But just apologize. And then you have a resentment toward me.
So go ahead. I mean, like, I worked out my deal with you.
You know, like,

Speaker 1 I text you. I don't expect a text back anymore.
I don't let it hurt my feelings. Smart.
All right. But can I the reason why I can't?

Speaker 1 And to the extent that you were upset with me sharing this exciting, hilarious website

Speaker 1 before anybody got to see it, you were the first.

Speaker 1 I was the first guy to see it.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. That's cool.
Thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what? You're right. Thank you.
I'm sorry. You're welcome.

Speaker 1 How do people say that? I'm sorry if you were offended. I'm sorry that.
Yeah, I'm sorry that you were offended. No, we laughed.
You know, I'll be honest with you. That's the truth be told.

Speaker 1 We laughed for about 30 minutes

Speaker 1 straight. Yeah, he was

Speaker 1 on the right because I was dropping Geneva. And we just, tears on our eyes laughing at the surrealness of it all.

Speaker 1 You know what I saw? I watched. Are you up? Because I got something good.
Yeah.

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Speaker 1 life.

Speaker 1 I watched the bonus footage of the movie on the flight the other day coming back dude some of that stuff well it's not it's four what is it called you the extra footage it was like four and a half or whatever

Speaker 1 4.5

Speaker 1 this is um it's

Speaker 1 of an ancillary movie of uh deleted scenes essentially have you seen it no have you seen the newest jackass or no well fuck you here's the thing i've seen all for the first three though and i love it

Speaker 1 when when we make a jackass

Speaker 1 look at me like that you should have watched it your friend is in it who supports you

Speaker 1 I saw the first three.

Speaker 1 And I saw three of them. I didn't see, you know,

Speaker 1 Attack of the Clones or whatever, you know what I mean? Oh, right. I saw the first three main ones, right? And then later, you know, they did Attack of the Clones and all these other ones.
Right.

Speaker 1 And I'll get to it. I'll stream it.
But my point is that I saw the original three. I'm not sure.
New Hope, Empire Strikes, Return of the Judge. That's what the first three are.

Speaker 1 You saw the first three. Yeah, so I think that's good enough.
Dude,

Speaker 1 our friendship's not contingent upon you consuming my art. But

Speaker 1 he is going to take that with him in future dealings when you're like, hey, can you watch this thing for me? No. No, that's not true.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 let me say something that really does mean a lot to me.

Speaker 1 I asked Bobby for some feedback on

Speaker 1 my hour.

Speaker 1 Oh, on your stand-up hour? Yeah, he came right over

Speaker 1 and watched it and

Speaker 1 gave me feedback and and it was really interesting because i had been doing stand-up for for just five years and i was about to tape my first special which i was not ready to do and i asked bobby to come over to give me feedback on this hour like maybe a week before the actual you know and bobby's like why did you wait until a week before

Speaker 1 because it was me and ian edwards We went over there and we're like,

Speaker 1 what can we do in a fucking week? You're showing us in a week. You have to cut the whole fucking thing up.
I know, because also

Speaker 1 you have to go up and try these new ideas that we might have had or whatever. Right.
I mean, it was very helpful.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 the special did come out

Speaker 1 the best that I was capable of at the time. Sure.
Yeah. It was great.

Speaker 1 And it's nice to have a mile marker, so to speak, of that, like to

Speaker 1 show the growth since then. And so I'm happy about it.
We have history, you and I. We do.
Yeah. And I've seen different versions of Steve-O.
And,

Speaker 1 you know, I was telling Kalila earlier today, I go, I always say this. I go, God,

Speaker 1 what a different guy, huh?

Speaker 1 Because I knew him when he was drug-drug. Yeah.
When he was wild. And it was ugly.

Speaker 1 Bad, huh? A pretty bad dude. Yeah.
It was wild. But now it's good.
It's great. He's a completely different guy.
And how much time do you have? You're sober forever now. 14 years.
That's amazing.

Speaker 1 But that's how long we go back. How much time do you have now?

Speaker 1 You know, I went out and it came out. I did hear that.
Five months now. Sober.
Six. Almost six, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 when you were recently in treatment, that was like sort of a guarded secret that people did not know. Yeah.
In fact, when we were in Cancun to do our show, you were there. And

Speaker 1 I did everything I can to avoid you. Oh, wow.
Because I was drunk. You were drinking.
Yes. Because I remember you initially going out and it being just weed.
No, he was drinking. I was drinking.

Speaker 1 He threw up all over the hotel room.

Speaker 1 I had to fucking take care of him. It was fucking the worst.

Speaker 1 And the poo thing. I'm sorry.
Yeah, he fucking this guy, man.

Speaker 1 I go to help him out to clean up all the throw-up in his room, and he comes to the door naked with poop all over his hand and poop on his toilet paper.

Speaker 1 And he's shitting in the dark because he doesn't want the lights on. Yeah, yeah.
And he's like, there's a poop, and it's all over the head. Dude,

Speaker 1 it was fucking nuts.

Speaker 1 Were you just trying to avoid sober people? You specifically, because I know. You were definitely

Speaker 1 trying to avoid you for sure.

Speaker 1 Because there wasn't a lot of other comics that weren't going to be a good thing. You're a sober guy, and I felt shame about it.
Right. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Because, you know, that's how we know each other, too. You know what I mean? I mean, we knew each other long before I got sober.
But our bond is that.

Speaker 1 We have two bonds, right? We have the bond of being sober, and we have the bond of being entertainers as well, right? But I think the first thing goes beyond the other thing, right?

Speaker 1 It's a big deal. It's a big deal.
It's a big deal, but you got to know that I wouldn't have.

Speaker 1 It was embarrassing. It was shame.

Speaker 1 We were fucking bummed.

Speaker 1 It was really hard for us. It was hard.
Yeah, because we had to deal with it the whole time. We had to like.

Speaker 1 Were you drinking around Andrew? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
At dinners.

Speaker 1 So we'd sit down at dinner and Andres and I would sit there. I'm so manipulative.

Speaker 1 I'd get like a diet Diet Coke and a water, and then he'd order a drink, and then we'd try to tell the, we'd be like, come on, no, we're not going to have a drink.

Speaker 1 And then we'd tell the server, no booze, and they'd bring him a drink anyway, because he would be like, well, because he's an icon. He's a we love it.
They had no idea who he was down there.

Speaker 1 They had literally no clue. But she kept going, he would like flirt with her and be sweet.
And she thought maybe it was a joke. She thought we were kidding.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 When we were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No alcohol, no more.
We're done. And so they kept bringing him fucking margaritas and shit.

Speaker 1 And then he got mad. He got in a fight with me because he told me to go get him a drink.
And then I said, okay, because he'd already been drinking. So I went and I got, you know, something.

Speaker 1 And I told him to mix a bunch of shit in there with no alcohol. And then he got in a yelling match.
No booze! There's no booze in here. And I was like, there's so much booze in there.

Speaker 1 The whole thing is booze.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm not dumb, dude. Did I? But you were already drunk.
I thought you wouldn't give enough. I know.
I know what booze tastes like.

Speaker 1 Did you have the experience that they were they, you know,

Speaker 1 over any period, we get worse, never better? Yeah, was that, did you pick up where your alcoholism had left off and worse? Like,

Speaker 1 automatically, like, just zero to Charlie Sheen right away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It was 24 hours a day. Yeah, the puke and the poop were a key indication of where he was at.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, when I first got to his fucking hotel room, he opens his suitcase. It was like Narcos.
I mean, it was like contrary. I was like, where did you fly from? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And he came from Hawaii

Speaker 1 with like a pound of fucking weed, pills all over the place. Wait, he didn't fly with a pound of weed.
Yes, he did. Internationally? Yes, he did.
That's fucking. Yes, I can't make that up.

Speaker 1 We both got to the room, and I was like, How did you guys get through, dude? This is not good.

Speaker 1 I mean, it was just like bags and bags of weed. It was pre-roll joints, and then it was three bags of individual weed, then it was jars of pot, and then it was fucking

Speaker 1 tons of edibles. Yeah, I was like, why would you fly with all this?

Speaker 1 I needed it. I needed it.

Speaker 1 But that was it, just for the drugs. It was just the weed.
Anyway, can we talk? Not talk about it? I'm sober now. No, we're not talking about

Speaker 1 it.

Speaker 1 I know. We know that.
I've had a psychic change. And you got a trophy because you kicked the hat.

Speaker 1 And I'm on a new road to recovery. You sure are, baby.
We're proud of you.

Speaker 1 I love that, and I appreciate that.

Speaker 1 I'm happy that you're back.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're going to say something? I just, I think that

Speaker 1 my experience, and whenever anybody goes out, meaning whenever anybody relapses, I feel so profoundly grateful

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 here, like,

Speaker 1 they're

Speaker 1 reminding me of the importance of protecting my sobriety. Yeah.
You know, and reminds you to

Speaker 1 say so. Yeah, it reminds me to be diligent about working a program of recovery.

Speaker 1 Well, that's, but see, that's, and it's a lesson I've learned many times is once you start drifting away, you're already in a danger spot. Right.

Speaker 1 You can already stop, when you stop calling your sponsors, when you stop going to meetings, and then you just, it just, it's just inevitable.

Speaker 1 And you, you, you can last for years that way, but it's, it's a ticking time bomb. Right.
Yeah. So, um.
And when, whenever somebody loses time,

Speaker 1 it's tougher to come back and sobriety becomes more tenuous. But I'm glad that

Speaker 1 Bob's got support systems in the sober community like you that fucking help because it does.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you know, there's only two ways to work the steps. You do or you don't.
Yeah, that's really it. And if you're not working with others, you're kind of not doing it.

Speaker 1 This is the microcosm of this show, by the way. We go from showing our fucking assholes

Speaker 1 to getting seriously down. That's the beauty of this show.
We'll go way up there.

Speaker 1 I'm still very impressed by that. Now,

Speaker 1 let me ask a question here because you said that you like to be competitive with Andrew over comedy. You said over numbers.
Yes, everything.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 like the idea, I'm fascinated by the idea that you've got the tiger belly podcast. You've got your whiskey ginger, yeah.
Whiskey ginger, and yet you both have this podcast together. Yeah.
So

Speaker 1 is this podcast, numbers-wise, more successful than your individual podcast? It is. I think so, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's not a think, it's very democratic. No, it's literal.
It is. These are the producers will tell you it is.
This one is bigger. So you guys together are larger than the sum of your podcasts.

Speaker 1 We're the Avengers.

Speaker 1 We're the Avengers. We are.
Right. And which one am I?

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying. Because there's not a lot of Avengers I can be.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 You can be Captain America. You can be all these other ones.
What can I be? Now, Tiger Belly is a pretty big podcast.

Speaker 1 That's pretty big it's pretty big thank you it's not as big as this but it's pretty big yeah is it is it not as big as this it's a completely different audience man it's a completely different audience that's all people that look like her a lot of that tiger belly audience it's a lot of browns it's a lot of south browns

Speaker 1 it's a lot of south asian browns yeah yeah um who just got back from the south asian brown didn't you yeah you happy to be back in the united states or no a little bit

Speaker 1 she said she got drunk the whole time is that what you did for real yeah and i got constipated i couldn't poo for like two weeks that's because you're not drinking enough water.

Speaker 1 Are you pooing now that you're back in the States? Yeah. You're congratulations.
Poofing every day. That's why this is the greatest constipation.

Speaker 1 And tomorrow night, if you come to your cut, you have to do that show. I already said I would go.
But her boyfriend's coming. That dude is going to come? Yeah.
Wow. And I told him, I told her.

Speaker 1 Are we going to bring him out on stage? No, no, no, no, no. Why not? Why not? No, but make sure she's got a new boyfriend, Steve, and she's in love.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Make sure you hug him because I said I was going to give him a 20-second hug. And make sure you touch his face to see what his face looks like.
Okay, you and I, we're making a pack right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're gonna hug him together, and then you kiss one cheek, and I kiss the other one.
Okay, good. You want to sandwich him and we'll kiss him?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but the kiss has to be like one of those 10-second

Speaker 1 one. How about this? Let's make a bet.
Let's see who can hold a kiss on his cheek for the longest amount of time. That's a fun.
I'm going to win that one. You think so?

Speaker 1 I can go 45 minutes. I'm strong.
I'll hold him.

Speaker 1 Is he a big guy? Is he strong?

Speaker 1 He's fine.

Speaker 1 Bobby's got that by a mile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can kiss forever. Yeah, but I can hold him.
If he's physically stronger than you, then you I've never kissed, right?

Speaker 1 We haven't needed to for me to know. Go give him a kiss.

Speaker 1 Go give him a kiss. You want to give him a kiss? He's got a girlfriend.
That's weird. He's got a wife.
I have a fiance. Fiancé, fiancé.
Fiancé, fiance, fiancé, fiancé. Are you with your fiancé?

Speaker 1 Or would you be allowed to kiss someone like Bobby or no? Yeah. She'd be okay with that.
Let me ask you something like this.

Speaker 1 She would be, I think, reasonably comfortable with that. Go on then.
So the no masturbation.

Speaker 1 Because I'm doing the no masturbation thing, right? Okay. So I'm going to ask you about this, okay? Yeah.
I just did today before I came here. VR by 2020.
So

Speaker 1 did you not masturbate for? I did not ejaculate for the entire year of 2014, and the total period of my celibacy was 431 days, which came to, I believe, 13 months, or maybe 15 months. I don't know.

Speaker 1 It was from like October 2013 to February of 2015. How good was the nut you busted when you busted it? Dude, it was lack fucking luster, man.

Speaker 1 A marshmallow came out. Not I.
wasn't. Yeah, yeah.
Dude, it wasn't. It was Ghostbusters all over the place.

Speaker 1 It wasn't even that fucking great. You know, now I know.
Was it jerking off or was it with somebody? I jerked off.

Speaker 1 Did porn or just your mind? And it wasn't even that. It wasn't.
It didn't feel that great.

Speaker 1 It wasn't that impressive of

Speaker 1 a load.

Speaker 1 It just landed unceremoniously on my tummy. I took a photo of it and texted it to everybody.

Speaker 1 I think I got that text.

Speaker 1 I think I got that text. That one you responded.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That one I responded.
No resentment over that one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So let me ask you something, because you don't jack out for over a year, right? Right. And so

Speaker 1 I'm not a medical guy, right? But I assume. You're not?

Speaker 1 I'm not a person. I assume that your body, right, generates, you know what I mean? Your squirtum generates sperm.
Yeah. Right.
So where does the old sperm go?

Speaker 1 It just goes right into your body, back into your body? It's just going to cycle through your body. Oh, I see.
So it comes out of your ass, actually. So you have sperm coming out of your asshole.

Speaker 1 Well, what happens is it cycles through your digestive tract, right? So that at some point

Speaker 1 out of your body. Do you sweat it out? You can.
You could be sweating jizz, yeah. So like when I'm you're as you're in a dry sauna,

Speaker 1 they're just

Speaker 1 out of the pores of your skin, they're coming.

Speaker 1 Where does old jizz go, Carlos?

Speaker 1 Yeah. What happens to jizz that doesn't come out?

Speaker 1 What happens to sperm if you don't ejaculate? I think we've literally done this on this show. They get reabsorbed.

Speaker 1 There you go. Reabsorbed.

Speaker 1 Or nocturnal emissions when you night come. Have you ever night come? Dude,

Speaker 1 throughout that period of celibacy,

Speaker 1 there were many times where in my dream I was in some sexual situation and about to come, but I was like, no, I can't break my sobriety. In the dream.
In the dream. In the dreams.

Speaker 1 This motherfucker's sober in dreams. Wow.
That's how dedicated he is to sobriety.

Speaker 1 So what is it? You're not watching, you're not jerking off now? No, I'm jerking off to no porn, but I'm still

Speaker 1 through memory, but I can't do it through memory. Because your memory is bad.
I have bad fantasies.

Speaker 1 You're creative. I'm using.
My buddy bought me the Oculus.

Speaker 1 I've done that before. It's so cool.
Have you done that? Have you seen VR porn? I have not seen VR porn, but I swore off porn a long time. So you're done off of it.
Like,

Speaker 1 I made one exception for a bit for my new hour that I'm touring with. It's a good exception.
It's called skyjacking. Oh, I know.
We're talking about it.

Speaker 1 What do you do?

Speaker 1 This is where it was a stunt. You know, I'd varied like A handful of stunts that I'd had the ideas for years and years, but just never, there were just kind of like too much to go for.

Speaker 1 And I said, fuck it, I'm going for them.

Speaker 1 One of the ideas was to go skydiving for the first time, butt naked, furiously jacking off with another man strapped to my back and time it so that when I'm below my load, I'm simultaneously falling out of the airplane.

Speaker 1 Just pop, pop, pop,

Speaker 1 coming everywhere. And it it was, it's, it's art, it's art.
It's beautiful. It's the crown jewel of my goddamn entire career, is what it is.
Fuck it art.

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Speaker 1 Raining?

Speaker 1 People are coming.

Speaker 1 No, that's not raining.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. It's so, I mean, like, it was the most challenging thing to put together.
You did it?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Wait, see, you jerked off.
You did it. Oh, I did it.
And I screened the footage in the theater.

Speaker 1 Every,

Speaker 1 you know, it's my bucket list show, dude. Where can we see it? Can we see it here? Yeah, I mean, it's exclusive to my tour.
It's on his tour. He shows online.

Speaker 1 And it'll come out, like, it'll come out whenever I take that special. But

Speaker 1 it's a triple X-rated multimedia comedy tour that I'm on, and it's called The Bucket List Tour. Oh, wow.
Yeah. So can you, let me ask you this, because

Speaker 1 I remember years ago, I was telling Jules this. I saw something that wasn't on the jackass.
And because I used to kind of hang out with not you, but Wee Man or whatever back in the day.

Speaker 1 And I saw Chris Pontius jerk off in a patio in front of his friends, and they try to. Right.
Can you so let me ask you something right now? Is there, could you jerk off?

Speaker 1 No, I don't want to do it, but just theoretically, could you jerk off with Andrew and I in the same room, get a wreck, and ejaculate?

Speaker 1 It's challenging. That's what made this skyjacking stunt so challenging was that

Speaker 1 I had another man strapped to my back. Yeah.
And he was only wearing a fucking speedo, so that was kind of awkward.

Speaker 1 And it was a tiny little airplane, it was full of all my buddies, and everybody had cameras pointed at me, yeah, point blank. So, you had to get hard to the porn, you had to watch it.

Speaker 1 I took four Cialis pills, though.

Speaker 1 You have to, yeah, and you watch porn. I brought a portable DVD player, yeah.
And what kind of porn did you watch? It was uh,

Speaker 1 we actually went to a porno DVD store. Wow, and candidly, as I looked through all the titles and made my selection, I just based my choice off of

Speaker 1 like, you know,

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 prettiest

Speaker 1 porn star that I saw on the cover of...

Speaker 1 I didn't, it never even occurred to me to read the title, which was like anal destruction for, you know, like something like that.

Speaker 1 I have two and three. Yeah, yeah.
There we go.

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Dude, now let me tell you this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 had this,

Speaker 1 yeah, I like the way I look better when I've shaved my my chest and everything I just don't like my chest hair so I like to shave it and I shaved my bush and everything so at one point I shaved and shaved everything and I had all of my body hair in a big pile in my hand and I took a photo and

Speaker 1 and and posted it you know it's like look at I'm like nice and clean shaved this big mountain of hair in my hand and my buddy Preston Lacey said dude you should save all your pubic hair for the, and, and, like,

Speaker 1 you know, make like a fucking Sasquatch suit, you know, like just out of pubic hair. So that's what I started doing.

Speaker 1 I did, I would grow, I would grow, grow it like full, and then I would harvest, and then grow it, and repeat. And I had like fucking three years of pubic hair.

Speaker 1 And as I got ready to do this,

Speaker 1 I realized. I think this is brilliant.
Yeah. I realized that three years of my own growing pubic hair was just not even fucking getting close.
If I really wanted to look like a cool fucking Sasquatch.

Speaker 1 So what I did was I

Speaker 1 went on my social media and I said, hey, everybody in the Southern California area, I'm having a puba party. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm calling all

Speaker 1 males with healthy pubic bushes to come meet me. Like, you have to bring your own

Speaker 1 shaving equipment. Because I didn't want to do that.
I use Manscaped. But anyway,

Speaker 1 I love Manscaped. And

Speaker 1 that's what I learned.

Speaker 1 And so, like, hundreds of people showed up.

Speaker 1 And here I harvested.

Speaker 1 How many dudes showed up?

Speaker 1 Realistically. Dude, I have the footage of it.
It was a fuck ton of people. Dude.
And I got like it.

Speaker 1 And I i got like uh out of it i got like a a goddamn bona fide ralph's grocery bag full of fucking pubic hair it was could you make a sash watch with it or not oh yeah i did it i did it and um what about women

Speaker 1 yeah that respect for my lady okay you know but here was the here was the takeaway two takeaways number one

Speaker 1 manscape really is like dude every i i handled so many different shavers and if it was a manscape it was like,

Speaker 1 you know, God bless Manscape.

Speaker 1 It was very clear by the end of that that Manscape really is. That's the footage they should use for their commercial.
I know,

Speaker 1 I tried. I tried to,

Speaker 1 they didn't have releases for

Speaker 1 fucking hundreds of people. I was like, poor planning.
But

Speaker 1 the other takeaway, and this

Speaker 1 blew my mind because I didn't ask for everybody to show me their wieners. Didn't ask.
But the thing was that, like, everybody's pulling down

Speaker 1 their pants just to get to get the very easy if you want to, like, you know, offer me your pubic bush to pull it down just enough that I don't have to see your wiener.

Speaker 1 I can just shave your pubic hair. However,

Speaker 1 like, so many dudes just pulled down a little too far. And I learned, I saw so many penises up there.
I learned what a a micropenis is. Oh, there was a guy that had one.

Speaker 1 Dude, they're not fucking particularly rare. Wait, what? You saw more than one penis? More than one micro-penis.
How common are micro-penises? Because I've heard this lore, but I've never seen one.

Speaker 1 I'm dead. I want to see one in real life.
I've got it in the books. I've only heard about the old Fables, but.
Look at this.

Speaker 1 Estimates vary, but studies have shown that 0.6% of men worldwide, that's insanely low. So one in every 10,000 births.

Speaker 1 Maybe you don't know what a micropenis looks like. I'm telling you.
You would look at mine and go, that's micropenis, but that's

Speaker 1 one. Did you just bring up a photo? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude,

Speaker 1 dude, I don't even need to see a photo because this is what I will describe to you. Okay.
Like, the fucking, dude,

Speaker 1 like, you know, a light switch? Where you click the light switch?

Speaker 1 Like, I'm talking about the size of a goddamn light switch. I saw some shit like that.
A real penis. Like, where it's,

Speaker 1 once it just pops up like a light switch.

Speaker 1 Can I ask you something? Could have been a clip? No. Could it have been been a clip tiny fucking wieners because i always considered myself

Speaker 1 no that's regular okay

Speaker 1 that's regular i i always considered myself pretty normal thank you yeah you know or average i would say you know average yeah i came out of that pube party thinking that i am fucking gargantuan yeah you got a big piece compared to those guys can i just say that you're a celebrity and maybe they were nervous Oh, yeah, maybe they got a little stressed

Speaker 1 TVos looking at my dick and they just shrunk up. I'm talking about like fucking pinky

Speaker 1 topped it.

Speaker 1 Like last knuckle. Oh, wow.
This poor guy.

Speaker 1 I saw pinky, the fucking outer edge knuckles. How was their disposition? Were these guys happy guys? I mean, dude, they seemed actually totally happy.
You know what? That's just proof.

Speaker 1 It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you have a tiny penis.
You can still be a happy guy.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't think so.
These guys got to hang out with Steve and show them. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't think so.

Speaker 1 If I had one,

Speaker 1 I... Do you think statistically men are sadder with smaller penises? I think so.
So you think sad people just have small penises? So when you see sad guy, small is one thing, right?

Speaker 1 Because I go to the Wii Spa and I look at the black men.

Speaker 1 No, they're there. I see, I look at the black men there.
Sure, go ahead. And I give them a nod.
That says, congrats. No, it's more of a like, whoa,

Speaker 1 like as if you're seeing Kanye. Neat.
Yeah, no, like, whoa, whoa. You're here.
You know what I mean? And I've seen, you know what I mean? But I've seen a couple of dudes with really small ones, right?

Speaker 1 You don't look them in the eye. Not only don't I look them in the eye, I kind of like avoid them.

Speaker 1 You spit at them. Even that way, I don't, yeah.
You spit right at their little dicks. I do a chogi.
You know what I mean? No, my point is, is that there is a disrespect there. For small penises.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And if they were like a little man, and they had a micro, I'd be like, oh, it's proportionally. But I've seen bigger dudes with mics,

Speaker 1 little mics, and it just mics. Big guys little mics.

Speaker 1 how do you guys feel about the roe versus wade

Speaker 1 oh man we're really hitting all the key marks on this show

Speaker 1 i uh yeah so we could just get away from fucking okay

Speaker 1 you know what you want to know my i have an unpopular opinion what i'm not pro-choice

Speaker 1 or pro-life i'm pro abortion because let me qualify this okay

Speaker 1 i believe that there are some people who just should not be fucking allowed to have kids straight up okay i think that it's absurd that you have to get a license to drive a car, to catch a fucking fish.

Speaker 1 You have to get a license. But any asshole can create a human being, become a parent.

Speaker 1 I'll give you a scenario, right? Let's take Andrew and I, I'm a woman, right? I'll be the woman in the scenario. He's the guy.
We're both married, right?

Speaker 1 And you're the... you know, I mean, the person at the government or wherever, right, that's interviewing us to see if we can get a lot of money.

Speaker 1 Kind of like when you go to the DMV, you got a test drive.

Speaker 1 We're coming in. Hi, hi, my name is Koyoko.

Speaker 1 I'm Kiyoko Santino. This is my husband, Andrew Santino.
Hey, this is me and my wife. All right, okay.
Yeah, ask us some questions because we want to have a baby.

Speaker 1 I think that, like,

Speaker 1 what should be the benchmark for getting licensed to become a parent? I think that. Just ask us a question.
We're in a scenario here, Steve.

Speaker 1 I mean, I think that you should have have to pass a course in developmental psychology. Okay.
Because.

Speaker 1 You're telling us the characters in the scenario, or you're just telling the children of the children.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 In general,

Speaker 1 I think that

Speaker 1 people are ignorant of

Speaker 1 the different stages of developmental psychology in ways that really harm their children in

Speaker 1 long term. Yeah.
One of the few things I remember from you from the universe when I was at the University of Miami, I remember learning Piaget's,

Speaker 1 this philosopher guy, remember, this psychologist,

Speaker 1 his developmental psychology, and he pinned it down to like a, where, okay, babies just come home, right? Like newborn baby, it's in the crib and it's crying.

Speaker 1 Like there's there's a philosophy like I'm not gonna come and see that every time the baby cries and like like the let the let him feel l like teach my baby that that the crying gets you somewhere.

Speaker 1 Right. You know? Yeah.
That's bad.

Speaker 1 That's my, that was my dad, by the way, did that to me. He said, fucking cry all you want, bitch.
You know, but to hear that, that what that

Speaker 1 you're not allowed to have a baby cry? Well, well, because the baby doesn't know about the world, right? It it it's feel it feels upset, it feels sad, scared, it's crying.

Speaker 1 Its response is if you pick it up every time it cries, that the

Speaker 1 theory is that it wouldn't understand. It thinks that that's how it gets everything it needs if it cries well right but the reality is according to

Speaker 1 yeah is that that that that the the the baby learns about the world kid like i i need comfort i'm scared the world doesn't fucking care about me you know like and this is uh where

Speaker 1 deviance is it it starts now then then the next thing i remember you know it's like if the world doesn't give about a fuck about me i don't give a fuck about the world so fuck everybody.

Speaker 1 That starts with the rebellion. That starts in the crib, like whether how you handle the baby crying.
Then when you get... So what are you supposed to do?

Speaker 1 I think you're supposed to come and comfort it. Like, hey, if the baby's crying, you comfort it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is that what you're doing? I think that's what I remember. All right, so when you were crying, you weren't comforting.
Correct. And your dad went, fuck the baby, let him cry.
Right.

Speaker 1 And I'm deviant as all hell. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm just trying to learn not to have one of you. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.
So, because if you don't do do that, then you're going to have a fucking baby in the sky jacking off.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of ways of thought, though. It makes sense.
And I remember being particularly fascinated by this.

Speaker 1 There was with potty training, right? The baby, you know, like

Speaker 1 there's a

Speaker 1 position you can take that, like, oh, that's bad. I'm going to fucking tell you,

Speaker 1 you just fucking did something wrong. That's bad.
And we're going to teach you the right way. And that's not it.
Well, in the baby's mind,

Speaker 1 they did nothing, like nothing wrong, right? Like, it's a perfectly natural thing, and now I'm being scolded for

Speaker 1 pooping and peeing, where like I can't help that. And so, this is where insecurity can come from.
No matter what I do, no matter what I do, so you just let them shit and pee wherever you are.

Speaker 1 I don't see no, I'm asking you.

Speaker 1 I'm not a fucking parent. I'm thinking,

Speaker 1 this is something that people shouldn't be shaking. She didn't get a license.
Yeah, he didn't get a license. This is something, you know.
But that is interesting.

Speaker 1 So if you scold a baby for shitting and pooing, then it's like, then you know what?

Speaker 1 It creates insecurity. Oh, yeah, the world's not fair.
You know, I didn't, like,

Speaker 1 I'm being punished for something that I have no control over. It's perfect.

Speaker 1 So just let them go free.

Speaker 1 No matter if I do the right thing or the wrong thing, the world's going to fucking shit on me. It's going to punish me and the world's not fair.

Speaker 1 And so, like, whatever.

Speaker 1 So you hold a baby when it's crying. And we're learning.
You hold a baby when it's crying, right? If it shits and pee, you just let him go slowly. You just let it shit and piss pee.

Speaker 1 What about if he steals the toys from other kids? What do you do?

Speaker 1 You don't let him. You say no.

Speaker 1 I just assume you would say no. I don't remember that.

Speaker 1 But no, I'm just asking what you think. What do you think?

Speaker 1 If your kid is stealing a toy from another kid, what does Steve-O do? And let's be real.

Speaker 1 Steve-O's kid steals a toy from another kid. Yeah.
What do you do? What does Steve-O do? What does Steve-O do? Fuck, man.

Speaker 1 This is too heavy. That's why I got a vasectomy.
I can't deal with this.

Speaker 1 That's why I got a vasectomy. What would you do? Well, because you wouldn't get the license then.
Well,

Speaker 1 I fucking

Speaker 1 shoot blinks.

Speaker 1 I cut my vast efference.

Speaker 1 If my kid steals another kid's toy,

Speaker 1 I'm the other kid's father. Hey, man, your kid just were at preschool.
Can they watch? What? Is there a window where we watch? Yeah, we're watching.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're going to have to do a fucking one-way mirror. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like an

Speaker 1 Feds.

Speaker 1 So we're in that one-way mirror. Yeah.
Yo, dude, I just saw your kid steal a toy from my kid. Oh, no shit.
What kind of toy? What did he steal? Tonka. Oh, Tonka Truck.
Yeah, Tonka truck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he loves Tonka trucks. Yeah.
So that's what you would do? Do you have kids, Andrew? No, no, yeah.

Speaker 1 yeah yeah what do you mean i'm not yeah yeah that's yeah he loves those trucks yeah you're not gonna what's that steal tuck tell scold your kid

Speaker 1 hey buddy is that your truck it's his right

Speaker 1 good boy

Speaker 1 that's what you would do you got to take what you want in this world and don't let these little fucking asian pieces of shit

Speaker 1 teaching him two things

Speaker 1 i take what i want and that racism and start asian hate yeah briar recruits you're teaching two things i like that. Nah, what if

Speaker 1 your kid does something wrong? Tommy, Tommy, don't, no, no. I would deny that.
That's what you would do? Tommy, Tommy, don't know, no?

Speaker 1 Tommy, Tommy, don't know, no. Right? Tommy, Tommy, don't, don't, no, no.

Speaker 1 Tommy, Tommy, don't know, no, right? Oh, Tommy, tell me, don't, no, no.

Speaker 1 I would probably go to the other baby. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I would always have to have some sort of accent, probably.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. Right? And I would bring it back, give it back to the kid.
You give him the toy back. Right.
And Tommy, now we don't, no, no. Right, right tommy my son right

Speaker 1 why not why not right

Speaker 1 that's right why not and i would have to come to you and call you probably yeah why not i go let him steal the toy yeah and i'll bring it back to tommy yeah

Speaker 1 tommy don't yes yes yes tommy tommy don't know no yeah yeah tommy yes yes yes yes a lot of yeses for tommy

Speaker 1 i think i think there's no right way to parent it's got to be a fucking nightmare it's a total fucking it's a total fucking nightmare all of our parents fucked up with all of us nobody in this room had parents that didn't fuck up.

Speaker 1 The point is, everyone's going to fuck up. You want to promote anything, Steve? Do I want to promote anything?

Speaker 1 The tour, you're touring right now. I saw your fucking dates.
Touring my dick off.

Speaker 1 When are you done?

Speaker 1 It depends.

Speaker 1 I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 I have dates booked through,

Speaker 1 like, fuck, man. I think November.
I don't think they're all announced yet, but I've got dates into November. Go to Steve's website and check that out.

Speaker 1 We'll see. There's a good chance I'm coming near you with skyjacking.
Skyjacking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 When you get married, we'd love to, if you want to invite us, we'd love to come.

Speaker 1 No, that's so much, but don't do that.

Speaker 1 I would love to have you. No, because I never get invited.
No, here's what. Now, fuck you.
Because I never get invited to those things. To weddings?

Speaker 1 Yeah, so now I want to just tell them I'm willing to come. You just went to a bunch.
I know, I know, and I like'em.

Speaker 1 So, what do you mean you don't get invited? You literally just went to Canada. And I'm about to go to his, too.
Okay. What's up?

Speaker 1 So you do get invited. We are planning on getting married.
We married in Canada. Well, in Canada.
We are planning on getting married in Canada. And I'd love to go to Canada.
Go check it out.

Speaker 1 Where in Canada?

Speaker 1 British Columbia. Yeah, Vancouver?

Speaker 1 I would say about an hour east of Vancouver. Can you make it? Yeah, I would love to go.

Speaker 1 It's far. Jules, would you like to go? I don't have a visa.

Speaker 1 I think...

Speaker 1 We've missed you so much.

Speaker 1 This is our first episode back, by the way. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We've never asked her a lot of questions, but we will next one.

Speaker 1 Jules, do you want to talk about your experience about going to the Philippines? Do you want to say anything that you were where you had?

Speaker 1 I saw you post a picture of you underneath a waterfall or swimming at a waterfall. Remember, we looked at it on the show.

Speaker 1 She was just on a lake. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I was just drunk the whole week.

Speaker 1 And she saw her sister. Yeah.
She has a sister. She almost came out here.
So Issa

Speaker 1 passport was

Speaker 1 expired. Expired.
I know. I was getting it.
I was getting there.

Speaker 1 And so she was going to come here for three or four months. She couldn't come.
Yeah. And when she was leaving from the airport, Issa cried, and they both cried.
Oh, you cried. Yeah.
You never cry.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I don't know.
I guess I kind of miss them. Oh, no.
You're starting to feel feelings. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And she came back into town. Her boyfriend picked her up.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What did he say when he saw you? I missed you so much.
Yeah, but we didn't fuck.

Speaker 1 You didn't fuck. No, no, no.
Why not? They haven't fucked yet. He's a virgin.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Does he think you're a virgin? No.

Speaker 1 He knows.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 So that means that you guys can do like

Speaker 1 everything except action.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But wait a minute. Have you talked about.

Speaker 1 Have you talked about losing his virginity to you? He wants to, but he's scared? He's scared. Yeah.
What can we do to help him?

Speaker 1 We'll see him tomorrow. Tomorrow?

Speaker 1 Should we give him a pep talk? We'll do a pep talk. How old is he? He's 20.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think he's on the right track. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 in the words of my good buddy Chris Ponies, who just gave this advice to a high school graduate, just graduated. He said, remember, a vagina is no place for semen.

Speaker 1 That's a fact. Write that down.
Write that down. We're going to make a platin.
Let's make a plat. A vagina is no place for semen.

Speaker 1 And I agree with that.

Speaker 1 Keep your cum out of these vaginas.

Speaker 1 So, might as well just leave the dick out. Leave the dick out.
Yeah. Right.
No dick. Yeah.
Got it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Say, I got it. I got it.
Say, no dick. No dick.
No dick. Also,

Speaker 1 he's never done it before. He's going to come in two seconds.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 Because when guys have sex for the first time, it's a sensation that they've

Speaker 1 never felt before. And

Speaker 1 it's the magnitude is indescribable.

Speaker 1 You've tried it?

Speaker 1 Fucking? No, I've tried it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we both fucked.

Speaker 1 No, I'm coming in three seconds.

Speaker 1 Have I tried coming? No, no, nobody tries. Yeah, yeah, nobody tries to do it.
It just happens.

Speaker 1 Well, look, Steve. Steve, can you look in the camera? Because we have a closing statement.
Okay, good, good, good. And say, thank you for being a bad friend.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Very, that's probably the best one.

Speaker 1 I think you would be a great clown.

Speaker 1 Thank you. I think you would be a fantastic clown.
I think you're a wonderful. Your first name was Asian clown.
First Asian clown. The first famous Asian clown.
What's your clown name? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 What was your name?

Speaker 1 Well, I was Steve-O, the clown. Okay, yeah, that works.
Nip-Nip, is that too? Nip-Nip? Exactly.

Speaker 1 Nippy the Clown. Nippy the Clown? And there's holes cut out over your nipples.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Nipsey Hustle. Nipsey the Nipsey Hustle.
Rest in peace. God bless.
Rest in peace. Let's not talk about the dead.
Rest in peace. Nippy the clown.
Nippy the clown. That's fine.
And your nips are out.

Speaker 1 So if someone's like, that's racist, you're like, it's about my tits. My nipples are out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nippy the clown.
Yeah. And you squirt

Speaker 1 milk comes out of your little titties.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I wear like a little armor, I'd say, and my tagline was like, there's a chink in my armor.

Speaker 1 No, there's an armor.

Speaker 1 There's a chink in right. They go, that's racist.
You go, no, I am wearing armor. That's an armor.
There's a little bit of a dent.

Speaker 1 Is that what chink means? Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You have stumbled on a pun. Yeah, what's your clown name?

Speaker 1 What's your clown name?

Speaker 1 You wouldn't even have to change your hair. It's already resonant on your hair.

Speaker 1 When I was in Clown College, they said that

Speaker 1 we are proud of our art. We don't

Speaker 1 insult our art by coming up with stupid names like Snuggles or anything. We use our names because we're proud of who we are and the art that we perform.
Oh, so I'm Bobby the Clown.

Speaker 1 And I said, yeah, is that what you're saying? Bobby the Clown then? Yeah, I'll draw Steve O. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Steve O. And you're Andrew the Clown.
Andrew O.

Speaker 1 It would be like Andrew Santino. Andrew Santino, the clown.
It would be Bobby the Clown. Bobby Lee the Clown.
Bobby Lee the Clown. Yeah.
It doesn't have a ring to it. B.
Lee. How about B.
Lee?

Speaker 1 You could be the clown.