Rated F for Fun

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

Speaker 1 These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Speaker 1 Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Speaker 1 Hi, Carlos. Hi, Andres.
What are we doing here today? We're learning how to tell time. Holy moly! Our fans shouldn't listen to their leader, Bobby Lee, so much.

Speaker 1 He needed Mark Marin to teach him how to tell time. They don't.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Do you think our fans don't know how to tell time? I don't think they do. How about we teach them? Let's teach them.
Did you know there are three time zones in the US? There are actually four.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. But nobody cares about the mountain mountain people, right? Yeah, no, just white people.
Let's think about our three time zones. What are they?

Speaker 1 New York, Chicago,

Speaker 1 Los Angeles.

Speaker 1 Or, as other people might know it as Eastern, Central, and Western Time. Oh, okay.
That's fantastic. So, let's see.
If we if it's nine o'clock in LA, what time is it in New York? 14. Uh-oh, oh.

Speaker 1 Wait, how do I do this, Andres?

Speaker 1 It's only three hours different, so we have to make the small hand go three numbers up. Oh.
It's nine in LA.

Speaker 1 It's twelve in New York. That's when Bad Friends comes out.
Is that so difficult, your moronic audience, to understand?

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. Welcome to Bad Friends.
Yeah, we got these new shirts. I love them.

Speaker 1 You know why we got these new shirts? This is the Bad Friends Family Live. We're doing a live show June 28th.
June 28th. June 28th.

Speaker 1 Go to momenthouse.com slash bad friends to sign up to watch this live show. It's a Christian live show.
It's a Christian live show. It's going to be a live.
I'm getting baptized.

Speaker 1 I'm baptizing you. You're baptized by Joseph Smith.

Speaker 1 Joseph Smith? Exactly, man. Yes.
And it's going to be great. So watch Bad Friends Live.
You can watch it from your couch, from the bathtub, from a spaceship. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can watch it from anywhere. It's a Christian-only show.
It's going to be... What is Below G?

Speaker 1 Below G is H. No, A, B, C, D, E, F.
It'll be F. It'll be rated F? Yeah, yeah.
For fuck, yeah. Watch Bad Friends Live.
Yeah. June 28th.

Speaker 1 Sign up now. Why didn't they have a rating G? Like, in the movies, if they had a rated G movie.
Wait, it is G? G is the lowest rating. No, G is the good one, the Christian one.
But

Speaker 1 is there a... They should have a rating that's beyond F that's worse.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? That's beyond X? There's NC17.

Speaker 1 NCT17. It goes G, G, P G, P G 13.

Speaker 1 F. No, not F.
R. R.
I mean, R, that's right. R.
R.

Speaker 1 Idiot. I just woke up, so I have no idea what it was.
NC17. Right.
And then X is pornography. Yeah.
You mean one beyond X?

Speaker 1 One Beyond X is what I meant. Like murder porn.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 but still directed by legit people. Like Tyr Quintin Dunn.
Like

Speaker 1 what would be a Q?

Speaker 1 I think Q is producing a Serbian film. Serbian? A Serbian film.
A Serbian. Serbian.
Are you saying the country Serbia? Yeah. A Serbian film.
A Serbian film. Say, hey, say the letter B.
B. Say Serbian.

Speaker 1 Serbian. There it is.
There it is. Only took you five times to do it.

Speaker 1 We cannot have him on this show anymore because he's doing this. Well,

Speaker 1 don't talk.

Speaker 1 He's a engineer guy, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. We love the fancy.

Speaker 1 A Serbian film. So that's rated beyond X?

Speaker 2 That is, yeah, like banned.

Speaker 1 It's banned. That's sick if you get your fancy movie.
We have to get that movie. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Now, is it, would you feel guilty for jerking off at that movie? Yes. Okay, well, I won't.
I refuse to. What do you mean you'd feel guilty? What is the movie about?

Speaker 1 It's a horror film. About a porn star who has like, you know, sex with babies and okay,

Speaker 1 no, we can't can't watch that

Speaker 1 shit

Speaker 1 can we introduce yes what the fuck are you talking about

Speaker 1 fancy yeah why would you watch that did you direct it

Speaker 1 is that what you're teaching those kids in film school yeah yeah yeah so everyone class has i know everybody

Speaker 1 wells and then

Speaker 1 that's the last chapter all right so let's introduce our guest yeah we've been trying she canceled us one time before yeah what was that about?

Speaker 2 I was in South By, and I was doing some shows out there, and Bobby called me, and I could have flown back, but I drove out there.

Speaker 2 So to take him away.

Speaker 1 Do you think Bobby could have paid for a plane ticket for you to fly back here? No, I mean, he has, but I would have done it. Would you have?

Speaker 2 Yes, I would have done it. Then you wouldn't have.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would have. Okay.

Speaker 2 But I asked you, is this the end of my career?

Speaker 1 And then what did I say?

Speaker 2 You said yes, and then you said, ha ha, just hit.

Speaker 1 No, but we're not kidding. It was the end.
Yeah. It was it.

Speaker 1 This is a funeral for your career. Bono, mad, you stole his glasses?

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, we're a big YouTube fan. Like, oh, man, Josh is great.
Do you know how, do you, how old are you?

Speaker 2 32.

Speaker 1 She's aware of that being put on your phone without your. Talk about the original without consent, you two sexually assaulting our phones with their fucking music.

Speaker 1 Remember when they just put it on your iTunes?

Speaker 2 More like me, too.

Speaker 1 Me. That's it.

Speaker 1 Boom. That's a joke.
She's here. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So Jesse Johnson is she's a door person at the store. Door person.

Speaker 1 And comic. How about fucking, what a shitty fucking intro.

Speaker 1 Jesse.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with you, Jesse? Jesse is so aggressive. She's a good comedian.
She's trying to lay up some fucking lob. Jesse's a good comedian.
She's a great comedian. She's a comfortable person.

Speaker 1 She works at the comedy store. You don't have to say door person.
Is she not?

Speaker 1 Just say she works at the comedy store. She works at the comedy store as a.

Speaker 1 She works there as a comedian who works there.

Speaker 1 And she does extra activities.

Speaker 1 I have extracurriculars. Well, the vague vagueness of that is bad.
Okay. What does that mean?

Speaker 1 She goes, can I see your ID?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. People need to know.
Hey, you know what? Her latest thing that was pissing me off? What were you pissing me off? We were in the hallway, right? Oh, yeah. So it's me, Letterman.

Speaker 1 Who else was there? Oh, yeah. Who else was there? David?

Speaker 2 Shane Gillis was there.

Speaker 1 Shane Gillis, who was there.

Speaker 1 Trevor Wallace, where it's just sitting, quietly talking.

Speaker 1 Quietly. Quietly.
Quietly talking, like we were in a library, library, right? And this woman comes up to me, this door person, and goes, guys,

Speaker 1 you guys can keep it down.

Speaker 1 Show's going on. I'm on her side.
You probably were being too loud. We weren't.
The showroom is right there. I bet you were talking too loud and people heard you in the showroom.

Speaker 1 No, what was happening? People complaining.

Speaker 2 I will tell you, people were complaining a lot, and you know, murmur, murmur, murmur, and looking around.

Speaker 2 But then when you came in and they saw it was you doing it, they were like, oh my god, that's Bobby Lee being loud.

Speaker 1 Don't do that to him. Don't give him that.
That's exactly. No, don't give it.
That's what I want.

Speaker 1 That's exactly what happened and it's a factual truth but i was kind of happy you walked in the room because i was like do i have to how am i to diffuse this situation but because you came in like shy like you didn't know what to do because you'd rather be like you guys need to shut the fuck up well you gotta be absurd when you're talking to changing gillis that guy's like you know what i mean dough yeah boy

Speaker 1 Is that what you want to call him?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy's doing it.
And Trevor's like, you know, Hiv City, you know what I mean? He's a Hiv patient? No, he just looks skinny and just kind of frail.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? You can't just let these fucking doughboys and hivies, you know what I mean, boss you around, dog. That's right.
Yeah. That's a life lesson, Jesse.
It's a life lesson.

Speaker 1 Doughboys and Hivies, man. You can't let these HIV kids and doughboys.
Yeah, what am I doing to aggressively?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I'm so sorry. I just woke up, so that's my excuse.
When did you wake up, Jesse? I woke up at eight or nine.

Speaker 2 Reasonable hour.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And you worked late last night because I saw you there last night.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I worked a lot last night. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Were you from San Diego?

Speaker 2 Arizona.

Speaker 1 Oh, why did I say San Diego? Didn't I? I I don't know why you said that. I think everybody from the store is from San Diego.

Speaker 1 Everyone that comes up to work, I'm always like, are you all from San Diego? Arizona. Phoenix?

Speaker 2 Yeah, Phoenix.

Speaker 1 God bless you.

Speaker 1 Scottsdale?

Speaker 2 That's where I went to college.

Speaker 1 Where'd you go?

Speaker 2 Scottsdale Community? Fighting Artichokes.

Speaker 1 There you go, baby.

Speaker 1 They're called the Fighting Artichoke. I went to Arizona State.
You know that, right? Oh, we're rivals. Yeah, well, not really.

Speaker 1 One of us went to college. It's the fighting artichoke.
The other one went to Scottsdale Community College.

Speaker 1 It's the Fighting Artichoke. That's their symbol.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's our mascot.

Speaker 1 That's hilarious. That almost seems like it's like make-believe college, but it grows so plentifully up there.
Do you know artichokes are everywhere in Scottsdale? Oh, they are? No.

Speaker 1 I've never seen it. Doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 There's no connectivity.

Speaker 1 Do you know when we got our place, when I moved into my place, three artichoke plants in my front? I didn't even know,

Speaker 1 I didn't know that they grow like that in the wild. Yeah.
Just in our front, like in our front yard. Really? Wait, so you could like...
I have three artichokes.

Speaker 1 You could randomly see artichoke plants growing in your shit. When I moved in,

Speaker 1 they were budding and big, and I was like... But somebody had planted them, right? The guy that lived there before, but I was like, he didn't know that.
Hippie, hippie. Huh? Hippie.
Hippie Dippy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Hippy-dippy.
I hate hippie-dipped hippies.

Speaker 1 I'm going to hippie-dippy hippie. I hate them more than you hate them.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 You don't have to understand. They make me nauseous.

Speaker 1 What's the biggest thing about his plant? Because when I was in high school, right? That's the plant that's in my front. It's crazy.
It's huge. Yeah.
When I was in high school, right, I was so into

Speaker 1 drugs and dick. No, but I was into those two things, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. But I was also.

Speaker 1 But thirdly, you know what I mean? My third favorite thing. It went digs, drugs, but my third favorite thing.
And dicks and drugs would switch depending on the day. Someday.
Oh, I would do a combo.

Speaker 1 Dick, drugs. Dick, drug.
I would do a dick, drug.

Speaker 1 Dick is your drug. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So anyway, so digs, drugs. And then, but, but the third thing that I was into was like, kind of like, I was one of those weird, like,

Speaker 1 artsy emo kids. Yeah, were you in a band? I saw the band is.
Yeah, but not only that, but I was like into like Curaçao. Like, so gross.
Like, I was into into Curaçao Films.

Speaker 1 I was into like the Velvet Underground. Like and if it wasn't like Roxy music or, you know what I mean? It's like a cool thing, right? So all my other friends were into the Grateful Dead.

Speaker 1 They would actually go and travel and go see them. And I just hated the smell of patchouli.
I don't like hair on the legs. Yeah.
I don't like pit hairs. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 So I would always like fight with them about it. Like I don't want to see a show where they're doing a jam in G major.
You don't like that. A 45 minute jam in G major.
Two minute song, man.

Speaker 1 I got shit to do, man, but they're just like G-major, you know,

Speaker 1 and a flute popping. Fuck you, man.
I like the flute.

Speaker 1 Dude, you always do devil's advocate. I enjoy you, and that's why we're close.

Speaker 1 It's a pussy show. Yeah, but anyway, I hate all of that.
I don't like tie-dye. Crystals?

Speaker 1 Crystals, tie-dye. Dreadlocks on whites.
Yeah. Always get, always

Speaker 1 dreadlocks on whites is always a good thing. Dreadlocks on whites.
That's a good fucking. It's just not for us.

Speaker 1 It's not ours. Yeah.
So stop. That's the one appropriation where I'm mad that we don't get mad about.
Yeah. All the cultural appropriation that people get mad about, why not dreadlocks?

Speaker 1 Why doesn't that get clapped on me? That's got to be. But it's just dirty hair.
Yeah. Yeah.
But for clumpy dirty hair, but for whites? You're allowed to have

Speaker 1 dirty hair. Who? Whites.
No. Whites aren't allowed to have dirty hair?

Speaker 1 Sure, anybody's allowed to have dirty hair, but this is a conscious effort to make it dreadlocks. That's true.
If you're homeless and you have dreadlocks, I'll give you a pass. Maybe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course.
Yeah, yeah. If you're homeless, you get a pass about anything.
Look at that.

Speaker 1 Johnny Depp, culturally appropriate. That didn't get brought up in the trial.
Ooh, that would have been good.

Speaker 1 I mean, sure, she pooped his bed, but this is abhorrent behavior, acting like you're a non-white. Look at that.
What is that? Yeah. All pirates all had dreads, I guess, huh? Yeah, but

Speaker 1 it's a character, man. No, it's not.
That's Johnny Depp. Did you see the clip that Amber heard somebody put up today? They were like, is this real? Where she's like, they said that you were acting.

Speaker 1 And she's like, oh,

Speaker 1 was this told to you by the man that convinced the world that he had scissors for hands? Oh my god, that was awesome.

Speaker 1 You already typed it in. You know, this clip.
Isn't this crazy? I was like, Is this real? Look at this. Listen to this.

Speaker 2 In the closing arguments, the depth lawyer said, called your testimony the performance of a lifetime and said you were acting.

Speaker 2 What do you say to that?

Speaker 1 Says the lawyer

Speaker 1 for the man who convinced the world he had scissors for fingers.

Speaker 1 You gotta be really pause that. She didn't jump.
What the fuck are you thinking? She's lost her mind. What were you thinking? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 They said your performance at the stand was that you were acting like you had emotion. And she's like,

Speaker 1 Yeah, but my ex-boyfriend played a scissor hand man.

Speaker 1 Imagine she was dating James Earle Jones. Says the man who was wearing the black cape and the black face hat.

Speaker 1 Sure. Yeah, sure.
Sure. Sure, man.
Yeah. That's true.
I mean, what is she doing? You mean Dark Theater? Yeah. Sure.
We're not in space. If that's what you call it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's insane.

Speaker 2 Did she watch that and think he really had Scissor hands?

Speaker 1 See, that's what I think. I think she really does think that.

Speaker 1 Every role you take, you become that person for real. Actually, you know what? That's the only guy that does do that is what's his name? Fucking Lincoln.
Daniel Dale. Daniel Dalo.

Speaker 1 That dude thinks he is Lincoln. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He owns slaves during the movie. Yeah, but that's called method acting, and I'm allowing that.
I disallow it. Method at the allow, they're allowed to do it.
Gone, out, gone.

Speaker 1 I don't want to be in the movie with them. Like when Jared Leto threw the at a table read, yeah, he threw the suicide squad.

Speaker 1 He threw a pig under the table read table where Will Smith was sitting and stuff.

Speaker 1 He should have slapped him.

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 1 I think Will Smith doesn't know when to slap. But that's when the,

Speaker 1 he was like, I'm going to slap that motherfucker, and it stayed in his head for like two years.

Speaker 1 Two years, and they came out with a Chris Rock. For some reason, it came out of Chris Rock.
But yeah,

Speaker 1 that's irritating.

Speaker 1 I just don't. What do you think about method acting? Are you an actor? Yes.

Speaker 1 Do you think

Speaker 1 why? Why? Why, why, why? Wait, you are an actor.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'll take the role.

Speaker 1 Would you acted in anything? I mean, just we're not new.

Speaker 2 I have a long background in sketch comedy since I was 15 and doing like live acting and sketch comedy.

Speaker 1 So you do want to be an actor, too? Yeah. Not just a stand-up.
Comedic actor. You want to do both.
Yes.

Speaker 1 If one took priority, what would it be? Like if the business was like, hey, man, you got to choose. You got to be an actor or a stand-up?

Speaker 2 Comedic acting.

Speaker 1 Oh, so stand-up is just a business.

Speaker 2 But I love stand-up.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So, like, yeah.
Okay, let's say somebody calls you. All right.
So on June 29th, you have two gigs. One is you get to open up for Dave Chappelle

Speaker 1 in front of... you know, 70,000 people.
Yeah. Right.
And all you have to do is eight minutes and Netflix and everyone's going to be there.

Speaker 1 So this is a good opportunity or you have a scene with daniel delewis just listen tom hardy

Speaker 1 and give me somebody else a woman a meryl streep right but you're you're in the scene with them and chris hemsworth and chris hemsworth for some reason and jason mamoa yeah and then the little one peter dinklich yeah the little one they're all in it and

Speaker 1 it's great because you're sort of like a siamese twin like peter dinglich if you are underdeveloped by semi-sweet food.

Speaker 1 So we're going to do a whole process of the thing where he's coming out of your body. He's stuck to your body.
Yeah. And Meryl Streep and everyone else is playing their doctor.

Speaker 1 But it's an emotional saying, I mean, this is Oscar Riley. And you're dying.
You're dying. Yeah, yeah.
And Peter Dingle. He has no lines.
None.

Speaker 1 I think in the script it says, I, A,

Speaker 1 A-H-A-O.

Speaker 1 That's in the dialogue, right? But you have these gigantic chunks. It's like, and, you know, we'll take our time.
Three days, we're going to shoot this thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because it's four pages of dialogue. Yeah, it's four pages of dialogue.

Speaker 2 It's all you. I've seen their show before.
Let's act it out.

Speaker 1 There it is.

Speaker 1 Man, I love her. Yes.
So,

Speaker 1 what would you take?

Speaker 1 She's going to be her. Yeah, you're playing yourself.
And basically, what you're doing to us is you're dying. Dink is on your side.
Yeah, yeah. And he's writhing in pain.

Speaker 1 Okay, how about this? Andres, do you play Dink?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. Oh, we're not doing it? No, Dink is on her body.
I know, but

Speaker 1 who does those lines? Dink, you said, goes, ow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, Pete. Let Pete do that.
Oh, Oh, Pete. Yeah, Pete's more dink.
Pete's more dinky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And by the way, the cancer that's killing you

Speaker 1 is from Dink. So you received this cancer from him.
He got it because he couldn't stop smoking. So you got cancer from him because he still connected to your body.
And we're all of your doctors.

Speaker 1 I'm an oncologist. Yeah.
Who am I playing, though? You're a podiatrist. Yeah, but what actor am I playing? There's like eight actors.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you're famous and rich, and you're dying, and you want to give us your last dying words. Are you playing

Speaker 1 Daniel DeLewis?

Speaker 1 Am I? Yeah, yeah. I'll be Meryl Street.
Yes. You should.
With an English accent, though. Fine.
All right. You're

Speaker 1 in the hospital bed.

Speaker 1 Are we at a hospice or at a hospital? We're at her castle. Oh, yeah, yeah.
We're at her home. We came to her home.
We came. And we're the best doctors from all over the world.
But I'm playing myself.

Speaker 1 Over the world. You're playing.

Speaker 1 No, you know what? You're playing yourself, right? A mega famous. Yeah, but you're, we're going to give you a different name.
Okay. Yeah.
Juicy. Juicy.
Juicy.

Speaker 1 Juicy. yeah

Speaker 1 juicy jason juicy jason yeah you're juicy jason juicy jason yeah yeah so um we walk in

Speaker 1 so doctor

Speaker 1 yes doctor yes doctor

Speaker 1 i can't believe we're here treating juicy jason

Speaker 2 just relax guys i'm i'm just a normal person juicy we've come here

Speaker 1 Because we want your final words on what you'd like to do with your body after it passes on. Because, of course, the cancer has gotten worse.

Speaker 1 Because of him.

Speaker 1 Yes. You have...
He's...

Speaker 1 A cancer. I know that he's your brother.
What's his name?

Speaker 2 Steve.

Speaker 1 Steve? Steve? So your parents named you Juicy. Juicy and Steve.
And Steve.

Speaker 1 Medically, we've got one thing we can do. Yeah.
We can remove the cancer, your brother. brother.
Let's do that.

Speaker 1 Oh, end scene. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We shave off the.

Speaker 1 He's like, hey, shave.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then you're back to being you again.
Yeah. So you would take the role over

Speaker 1 the Chappelle slot.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I feel like I love stand-up, but

Speaker 2 it's making me the funniest I could be. And then if I take that into a comedic acting,

Speaker 1 smart, smart woman. Wow, smart woman.
Smart woman. That is very smart.
Bad decision, though. Well, why? I disagree.

Speaker 1 Because my argument would be. I bet you.
We're your agents, and then we're going to give you the pros. Well, I'm an agent.
You're a manager. There's no doubt about that.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I produce things as well. Sure, but you're like a leech.
Do you know what I mean? Like, I actually get to

Speaker 1 and I'm connected to the manager. You're going to be trying to get me an angry.

Speaker 1 That's fine. I'm connected.
I'm the manager, right? Yeah, and I'm the agent. Hey.
Well, I'm, of course, agent. Hey, kid.
You know, I'm not present.

Speaker 1 I'm definitely on vacation because that's agents. That's all they fucking do.
Yeah, Yeah, yeah. But I flew you in.
Okay, so listen, your agent, your manager, are here. Hey, hey, kiddo.

Speaker 1 So, you know,

Speaker 1 you have a dilemma, right? You have two opportunities here, right? So, in him, we're in an impasse.

Speaker 1 So, my argument is this: like, Chappelle, right, you know, he's thinking about bringing you on tour, right? So, he wants to just see you perform in front of 70,000 people.

Speaker 1 It's 170,000. It's 170,000.
My bad. But anyway, and it's a small city.

Speaker 1 It's a small city.

Speaker 1 Yellow knife. Yellow Springs.
And you know what? Nope, just doing me.

Speaker 1 That's true. That's true.
Anyway, I just think that Netflix and HBO and all these people are going to come out.

Speaker 1 And, you know, this acting role that you have, right, it's a shot in the dark, kid, because it's like, who knows if it's going to... It's a weird part.
Sure. I mean, I read the script.

Speaker 1 You read the script, right? I mean, Peter Dinklich is going to be a Siamese twin coming out of your body. It just seems a little odd, you know, and it's like the whole movie is about that.

Speaker 1 The whole scene, the whole movie is in that hospital where you're just doing a monologue. It's also tough because it's rated Q.
It's rated Q. It's rated Q, yes.
I don't know if you know this, but

Speaker 1 there is a weird.

Speaker 1 Right. And I don't know if you know this.

Speaker 1 If you read the stage directs and stuff, but you're completely naked.

Speaker 2 No, I did not.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're completely naked.
And you've got jumper cables attached to your tits. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, wait. Yeah, and they're going to turn it on every once in a while.

Speaker 1 Just to wake you up. just to wake you up.

Speaker 2 Do I have two nipples or one because I'm conjoined in this?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 they're having no discussions with the studio, right?

Speaker 1 He could be Peter Dinklins' other nipple, right? That could change things. That could change things a lot, right? And he could also,

Speaker 1 he's known for this. Peter Dinklins, I know he has no lines.
It's a lot of groaning, right? Sure. But he might do some improv and might take over the scene.

Speaker 1 I was afraid of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I knew you would be. So anyway, I just think that you should do the show.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 The Dave Chappelle show is going to pay you nothing, and this movie is going to give you 500 grand.

Speaker 1 That's my pitch.

Speaker 2 I've thought it over.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 Hydro. I caught it.
You? They gave me one. I got one at the house.
I love it so very much. It's incredible.
And I'm rowing in the morning, and it wakes me up and gets me juiced. Well, what is it?

Speaker 1 What is it? Hydro is your ultimate go-to for ultimate ultimate full-body workout.

Speaker 1 How ultimate is it? You may ask. It works 86% of your muscles, arms, legs, and core, twice as efficient as cycling or running.
Just 20 minutes, all it takes to feel the results. And this is true.

Speaker 1 I do it for 15 to 20 minutes in the morning, and I feel so good for the rest of the day. People have seen traditional old rowers.
The old ways are gone.

Speaker 1 Hydro's newest rower, the Hydro Arc, delivers such powerful results. GQ magazine named it the best rower of 2025, and I agree.
You've convinced me I'm getting a hydro today. We should get you one.

Speaker 1 Head over to hydro.com and use code Bad Friends to save up to $600 off on a hydro rower during this holiday season. That's hydro.
H-Y-D-R-O-W dot com.

Speaker 1 Code, of course, is Bad Friends to save up to $600.

Speaker 1 Hydro.com, code is Bad Friends.

Speaker 1 DoorDash. I'm telling you right now, when I go on the road or I go anywhere in the country.

Speaker 1 Or here in LA. Or in LA, the only thing that I use in terms of delivery is DoorDash because they have the best options.

Speaker 1 They have the quickest delivery driver. They do.
And it's just something that I rely on. I rely on it.
It connects you with the restaurants you love right now, right to your door.

Speaker 1 Now you can get the grocery essentials you need with DoorDash. Get drinks, snacks, and other household items delivered in under one hour.
Dinner, check, right? Yeah. Deodorant.
Check.

Speaker 1 Morning pick-me-up from Duncan. Check.
Get everything you need whenever you need it with DoorDash. That's right.
You want Chinese or Korean?

Speaker 1 Do you want Korean? No.

Speaker 1 Come on. Yes.
Do you want Korean? Yes. Check.
Do you want Italian? Of course. Yeah.
Sometimes you're craving fro, yo. There's something for everyone on DoorDash.

Speaker 1 And now you can get the grocery essentials you need with DoorDash to get drinks, snacks, and other household items delivered in under an hour.

Speaker 1 They got over 300,000 partners in U.S., Puerto Rico, Canada, Australia. You support your neighborhood go-to's or choose from your favorite national restaurants.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. For a limited time, our listeners get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter code BAD Friends2022.

Speaker 1 That's 25% off up to a $10 value, zero fees on your first order when you download the DoorDash app in the app store and enter the code Bad Friends2022.

Speaker 1 Don't forget, that's Bad Friends 2022 for 25% off your first order with DoorDash. Subject to change terms apply.
Are we live? We are live. You know what?

Speaker 1 The thing is, this is this. The thing is, this is.
The thing is, is this. I've always wanted to do a live, right? And I thought

Speaker 1 live stream. And in my heart, I'm like, who's the best person to do it with? Andre Santino.
Andreas Santino. Live stream, Bad Friends live stream.
It's going going to be great, dude.

Speaker 1 So Tuesday, June 28th at 6 p.m. PST.
That's Pacific. Pacific Standard Time.

Speaker 1 Get your tickets right now at momenthouse.com. Momenthouse.com slash bad friends.
These shirts are also available only for the time we're doing the live show. Yeah.
It's the Bad Friends Family Live.

Speaker 1 It's the live stream. You can watch from anywhere you are if you've got access to the interwebs.
Tuesday, June 28th, 6 p.m. Get your tickets.
We got a bunch of surprises.

Speaker 1 We might be bringing in some people that we can't talk about. Yeah, we can't talk about it.
We might be doing something to both of our bodies.

Speaker 1 We might kill Doc live on the live stream. Yeah.
If not, kill, do something. Hurt.
We might hurt. He's going to die.
He is going to die. He's going to die.
By the end, he's going to be.

Speaker 1 He's going to want to die if he doesn't die. So get your tickets right now at momenthouse.com/slash bad friends, June 28th.

Speaker 2 I was also a production assistant for so long.

Speaker 1 You're a set PA or office PA? Both.

Speaker 1 For what show?

Speaker 2 All sorts of shows, but late, late show. I worked on their field team, all the sketches and carpool karaoke and stuff.
I've worked on Master Chef.

Speaker 1 Damn.

Speaker 2 I've worked on Funny or Die stuff and movies. My first job was in the wardrobe department on Transformers 5.

Speaker 1 They made five of those fucking things? That's what I said when I got there. The fifth one's the best.

Speaker 1 The fifth one's the best. Wait, seriously, they made five? Yeah, I think I saw one.
Three. How many did you see? I saw one.
You know how many I saw? Zero. Zero.
I never saw one. The first one's good.

Speaker 1 I would imagine the first one would be the one that's good.

Speaker 2 With Shia LaBa.

Speaker 1 Oh, right. And Megan Fox.
Megan Fox.

Speaker 1 That one I heard was good. Yeah.
But no, I didn't see any of these because why the fuck would I do? Why would I see that shit? Transformers, robots in disguise.

Speaker 1 I thought it was more than meet the eyes. Well, it was robots in disguise, more than meets the eyes.
Wait, wait. So it goes Transformers, Robots in Disguise, and then Disney.
More than meets the Eye.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sure. Something like that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Call us Universal if you want us to write the soundtrack for the sixth and seventh one. Yeah.
So you worked on all those other things. So what's the point? So you would take the movie instead?

Speaker 2 Well, I love being on site, but I hate being a production assistant.

Speaker 1 Well, right,

Speaker 2 it sucks. But, and then to like to be talent would be awesome, like on a big set.

Speaker 1 I'm nicer to those people than I am to the talent I work with.

Speaker 2 Oh, I can't wait to treat them like shit.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you this: this is something I did want because talent is fucking bullshit, but the people that are doing all the work, I always like a little bit more because I know they have to do shit,

Speaker 1 but the talent can fuck off.

Speaker 1 I did a show called Big Time Rush, okay? And it's like Nickelodeon show, something like that.

Speaker 1 It's huge on Nickelodeon.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not being facetious. This show was massive.
So I did one episode. Stephen Glickman was on it.
Yeah, so Stephen Glickman got me on the show, right? The show was huge.

Speaker 1 So I want you to see, Jess. I want you to see what you think.
Which one is Bobby?

Speaker 1 Which one do you think Bobby is?

Speaker 1 I'm not a regular. I just did one fucking episode.
Which one do you think? See if Bobby Lee and Big Time Rush. See if you can find that.

Speaker 2 Bobby's the one in the middle.

Speaker 1 That's exactly right. Yes.
There you are, Bob. Is that you wearing a hat on Big Time Rush? Yeah, that was me and I.

Speaker 2 Oh, my goodness. Right.

Speaker 1 And I played like some kid.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Some 38-year-old kid.
Some 40-year-old kid.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 And I remember my lines were like, yo, yo, yo, what's up? Yo,

Speaker 1 whatever it was. So anyway,

Speaker 1 that morning when I showed up, right, I had somebody, let's just suppose you had this job, right? So I show up and somebody said,

Speaker 1 are you an extra?

Speaker 1 And I was such in a bad mood, I go, yeah.

Speaker 1 Why would you do that? So I go, yeah, right. So they brought me to the extra holding area and I sat there for an hour and a half meanwhile I'm getting calls but I'm not picking them up whoa

Speaker 1 like where are you

Speaker 1 I'm a piece of shit right and so then eventually I pick up and I go well you know I was told I was being there for two hours and I was told to go to this thing by this lady oh my god and they're like what

Speaker 1 And then they yell at the lady. Now, would you be mad at me if that happened? If I knew you or if I didn't know, like, you just said, are you an extra?

Speaker 1 And I said, yes, but I knew you knew I was a series, not a series, but a principal or somebody. You were a fucking guest star.
A guest star. They don't know the guest stars.

Speaker 1 They should. Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Really? So if you were in a fucking show, right, and they go, are you an extra? What would you say? I'd say, no, I'm not background. I'm a guest star on the show today.
What's your name?

Speaker 1 Andrew Santino. Oh, your trailer's right here.
Oh, I fucked up that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I really thought that was an asshole. Because those people are wrangling thousands of people.
They don't fucking know who you are. Right, but here's the thing.
My career was so bad back then.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you need, right? You wanted it.

Speaker 1 I needed it. Right.
I needed it. But you got what you deserved.
Yeah, I'm an extra. And she's like, great, you look like one.
Right this way

Speaker 1 to the holding. Yeah, yeah.
Right. So you'd be mad at me.

Speaker 2 I would be pissed off, probably. Because that was probably like, if you were there for hours, that that person was probably there for five or six hours

Speaker 1 or longer. Think about that.

Speaker 2 Probably didn't get lunch. Oh, yeah.
And if their producers were yelling at them, then they probably don't give a shit about them either.

Speaker 1 God, I love Jesse on this show. You got a permanent seat on this show whenever you want it.

Speaker 1 Already? I'm the one that brought her in. I'm the one that said, I said I wanted her on this show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go, I think we should have her on the show.
I said, that's a great idea. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She's fucking great. Smart and funny, and she gives it to you.
She's been a little hostile to me lately. I'm going to get him back maybe in the next video.
Here's the problem with the doc thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 With you and him.

Speaker 1 You guys,

Speaker 1 me and you have known each other for a long time. You guys have known each other in a very different way for a long time.
Yeah. So, like romantically, yes.
Well, it was yours. Not romantically.

Speaker 1 All right. You're on your last leg, Kit.
Okay, sorry.

Speaker 1 No, but they have had a relationship because Doc worked at the store for so long and Bobby, it just, there was a, that's a strange, long, long-term friendship relationship.

Speaker 1 Also, I used to kind of bully him a little bit when he used to open for me. A little bit.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would tell him to do stuff like, hey, if you don't say Yaba Daba Doo 10 times, oh, come on, man. Bobby, come on, man.
Yaba dabbo. I'm not going to do my show again, right?

Speaker 1 And I go, you can't justify it and tell the audience that Bobby told me to say it. So you just, in the middle of a setting, you just go, Yaba Daba Doo.
And bomb. And bomb.

Speaker 1 And then go back into a story. Such an asshole.
You're such a fucking asshole. Is that me? I'm a bully, right? Am I a bad guy? You are.
I'm going to change. I'm going to change.
Nah, no, you won't.

Speaker 1 Let me change. Let me change.
No, you're okay. I want you to.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I want you to change. I want to be able to change.
Yeah, yeah. How long have you been in the store now?

Speaker 2 Since September. Well, officially working there.
Right. But I've been going around there.

Speaker 1 Are you moving up a little bit in the ranks?

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Are you getting better spots?

Speaker 2 Yes and no.

Speaker 1 Are you going to showcase?

Speaker 2 We're all in development, so they'll throw us in the

Speaker 1 stuff. But I mean, is she watching you and stuff like that?

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's watching.

Speaker 1 Good.

Speaker 1 But the reason why. You know, they used to not watch.

Speaker 2 You know this.

Speaker 1 Back in the day, they never watched. And they would say they'd watch, and they never did.
And then you'd have to get a fucking...

Speaker 1 prime showcase spot for anyone to fucking come see you. It's a brutal physical.
It was such a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare.
Nobody watched. And they were like, yeah, we saw you.

Speaker 1 They never saw anybody. But what got my eye attention to you was:

Speaker 1 I was

Speaker 1 on YouTube. I was like, watch on TikTok or something, and I came across some of your stand-up.
And I go, this is the girl that does, you know, she works at the store as a door person.

Speaker 1 And can we just say employee of the month? Employee of the month.

Speaker 2 I am employee of the month.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I literally legitimately laughed. We have a gift for you.
Give her that gun. Yeah.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I legitimately laughed at her at the clip.
I go, wow, that's a funny joke. Yeah, she's funny.

Speaker 1 Delivered well. And I go, and then I just started kind of, you know, going, was like, I think she's the future.

Speaker 1 I liked your energy when I saw you at the store. But let's do this.

Speaker 1 This is how, because it's weird, when people come and go at the store, it's hard to get to know the employees because a lot of them just like come and go and they're in their own world.

Speaker 1 And so we're doing our own thing. What's your impressions of us before you met or when you met us? And this, be honest.
You can can be honest. Be completely honest.

Speaker 2 Well, I met your brother first.

Speaker 1 My brother Steve. How did you meet his brother?

Speaker 2 Through his, through Jeremiah. Oh, right.

Speaker 2 And I think, because Jeremiah and I go back with the Kill Tony band and

Speaker 2 then Steve, I did his podcast. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I remember you and Steve pulled up into the lot, and I was working the back door, and you guys got out of the car, and everybody was like, oh my God, Bobby's here.

Speaker 1 And I was like, hey, Steve.

Speaker 2 And out of all the people waving to you you only looked at me

Speaker 2 i think you were like wait what

Speaker 2 i love this but then i got to know you and you were one of the first paid regulars to like talk to me and to riff with me and uh and it made me feel really special and uh

Speaker 2 and santino is a little bit uh more unapproachable

Speaker 1 and that's exactly what i wanted to get to

Speaker 1 and that's exactly the truthisms of it i'm just really in my own. I just come and do my own.
You're intimidating. No, I'm not intimidating.
You're a little intimidating. You think

Speaker 1 it's your stature? It's the way, it's the way you... But I've never been mean to you.
Never been mean. No, you know what? I know what it is.

Speaker 1 Because I do know some, I do know a lot of the employees that work there, but I know the ones that have worked there for a while. It takes me a while to start to get to know people.

Speaker 1 You can't let everyone in. No, no, no, not for me.
No, for me, it's more like I know people have said this before. They're like, oh, they don't know to talk to me.

Speaker 1 But then when they talk to me, they're like, oh, I just kind of come to the club, club, do my thing, and I kind of fuck off. But I'm always polite and nice, and I say thank you and hi and bye.

Speaker 1 But it's tough for me to like do a thing with people anymore

Speaker 1 because there's so much brain energy that goes into that place sometimes for me that I don't want to.

Speaker 1 I just don't want to, I just want to go home. Like, like, like, I'm not Sebastian.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's, he goes in and out.

Speaker 1 He doesn't even look people in the eye. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He really looks at me. He doesn't look at me.
And

Speaker 1 I've known him for 20 years. But what I'm saying is, is because his brain energy is so focused, he wants to do his job and thinking about it.
Yeah. But he never liked fans.

Speaker 1 Even as a young open-minded,

Speaker 1 he's just not that way. He's not social in that way.
Well, I like fans. I just think it's hard with the employees because it's.
No, he likes his fans. That's not what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying he doesn't interact with people even back in the day.

Speaker 1 Well, but I interact with as many people as I can, especially because I know so many of those people that have been at a lot for a long time.

Speaker 1 But you were new, but I always like seeing you because you have such a nice smile and you're so like warm, even when I know the day was probably shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're such like you have like a warm attitude that makes it so that you're going to get out of there fast. There's no way you're going to stick out of it.

Speaker 1 And now Polly's using you right on the road, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's exciting too. I went to his house with Sandy Danto in Vegas, and we did a couple of shows there.
And Bobby's picture is on his wall at least three times.

Speaker 1 On where?

Speaker 2 In Polly's house.

Speaker 1 Your picture is hanging up. That's insane.
He has a lot of pictures of

Speaker 1 it. Yeah.
Polly and I are so close. Yeah, but I I would never have any pictures of you at my house.
You don't have a photo? I have photos of you in my house.

Speaker 1 I really do. Not ones that I approve.
I know, but still, I have photos of you, right?

Speaker 1 Actually, that's not true at all. I have a framed photo of you and I.
That's what I'm saying. I have that as well.
I do have that. Now that I think about it, I do.
I don't. I do.

Speaker 1 I don't have anything. I know you don't.

Speaker 1 You have no control over what goes up in your home. I know.
I have a frame photo of you and I at the 4th of July at your house. Oh.

Speaker 1 Of us sitting on the bench because I really like the, because the photo is so sweet. So you're going to do do dates with Polly? Oh, thanks for rolling right over that.

Speaker 1 She really opened up to you there. Yeah, yeah.
Now, this is our relationship for the rest of time. Yeah.
But Paulie, so you, Polly, and Sandy.

Speaker 2 We did Vegas Dates. Now, Frank Castillo and I are going to North Carolina July 7th through the 17th.

Speaker 1 You, Frank, are opening for Polly at Good Nights?

Speaker 2 I'm featuring.

Speaker 2 This was my first time featuring. And yeah, I'm excited.

Speaker 1 Let's go, baby. Is Frank hosting?

Speaker 2 He's opening, and then we're just going to bring each other up.

Speaker 1 They don't call call it that anymore. What? Where do they bring it? Hosting is not like a thing.
They call it opening now.

Speaker 1 So they never call it hosting.

Speaker 2 Well, I say opening because he's not going to go back on stage between me and Polly.

Speaker 1 Ah, when they go back on stage, it's hosting. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you prefer a host or do you like tag team? Well, lately, I mean, it's strange because lately I've been doing theaters, and it's just me and my buddy O'Connor. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I, God Mike him, bring him on. So I try to get him hyped up to the show.
So he cold opens the show. Wow, that's hard.
Yeah, but I mean, it's all my fans.

Speaker 1 A lot of them know him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because he fucking rips. So he does a bunch of time.
So it's like he has to warm him up at the beginning a little bit, but he does 25 minutes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So by that time, I mean, they fall in love with him, but it's just him and then he shotguns me.

Speaker 1 In Jersey, Column

Speaker 1 Terrell came and

Speaker 1 opened and then passed it to Chris and Chris to me. So I haven't had a host since I did when I do clubs.
And even at clubs, sometimes, I'd rather just have my feature. When I do clubs, I make a host.

Speaker 1 I don't really, I don't. The The local person, I always make it.
Yeah, but even still, I like shotgunning. I don't want to bring someone back on to bring me back on.

Speaker 1 Just make the next, like we do at the club. Work.
I want them to work.

Speaker 1 For the $70 they get paid? Yeah. Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Do you ever tip the hosts?

Speaker 1 Do you pay out the hosts? What? A local host.

Speaker 1 You can do that.

Speaker 1 You've done that. Yes.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, can I tell something?

Speaker 2 When I was working a lot, one day, Bobby came out in his new car and he pulled out this water cache and started flipping it.

Speaker 1 And he looked at me and he goes, do you like money i didn't say oh my god i get it yes you did i didn't do it like that yes you did i didn't i didn't do it like that

Speaker 1 dude you know character out of character completely you know he did that i didn't do it like that so do you

Speaker 1 exaggerate i thought it was awesome

Speaker 1 i know that's awful so what did i say do you like money i thought it was cool yeah yeah so i said do i like did i give you any and i said yes and then you gave me a hundred dollars yeah that's that's nice.

Speaker 1 Well, that part's nice, but it doesn't make up for the fact that you're a penis at the top.

Speaker 1 The penis at the top is what makes it fun. How much money you have in your pocket right now? None.
Take it out. Literally none.

Speaker 1 No cash? No. Give me your wallet.
Why? Give me your wallet. You have no cash.
Are you robbing right now?

Speaker 1 Literally, no cash. No cash at all.
No, I have these changes. Give her your credit card for the day.

Speaker 1 For one day. No, I'm not giving her my credits.
No, fuck that. Let her have a credit card for a day.
Later. We'll do it later.
What would she do? I need new credit cards. I need them.

Speaker 1 you have to understand my situation. You have multiple credit cards.
Give her one credit card for the day. Yeah, one that doesn't work.
No, come on. Give her a real one.

Speaker 1 I'll give you the one that works.

Speaker 1 And then you can buy anything you want for 24 hours. Here, here you go.
Take that one.

Speaker 2 I just opened a credit card. I've never had a credit line before.

Speaker 1 What is Elan? Where is this even from? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 Is this an EBT card?

Speaker 1 So I gave you 100%. So I go.
Expired. Yeah.
So I said, I go, that's okay.

Speaker 1 I go, you like money. I pull out a watercat.
Do you like money? Yucky. Yeah.
And then you go, I do. I gave you $100.
And then what did I say after that?

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 you said,

Speaker 2 and if you, and then, okay, you really want me to say what you said after that.

Speaker 1 Yes, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You said,

Speaker 2 and if, and if there's, if you get a debt in my car, I'll get that back.

Speaker 1 Then I said,

Speaker 1 that's a

Speaker 1 deal. It's called a deal.
And I said that's a good idea. It's a contract.
It's a verbal contract. It's a deal, yeah.
It's a verbal contract.

Speaker 1 Why would you say that?

Speaker 1 I don't know why.

Speaker 1 It's regrettable. Yeah, it is.
It's regrettable, but I'm being honest. I think I did say that.

Speaker 2 I will tell you, at that time, I then had $105.

Speaker 1 Who gave you the five?

Speaker 2 Mark Marin.

Speaker 2 But Mark's consistent. He's always $5.

Speaker 1 It's always $50. Oh, I see.
I do it once a year. Yeah, I get the $100 once a year.
It's a yearly plan. I do a yearly plan.
I do it intermittently, but I never park at the, I park on the ramp.

Speaker 2 I parked your car one time, but it was your wife's car.

Speaker 1 That sounds right. The Jeep.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you were like, you can park this.

Speaker 1 I was like, you can park this. Because it was already fucked up.
Because it used to have a big gash in the side of it. Oh, so you don't let them even get in your car and drive.
They all know that.

Speaker 1 They'll tell you. None of them park my car.
Wow. I should do that too, huh? None of you guys have parked my car.
Even way before you were there, nobody even parked any of my cars. Wow.

Speaker 1 Even when I had like a city car. Well, yeah, I mean, I just, no one ever parked my car because I just was like, if an accident happened in that bullshit small lot, here was my logic.
They're comics.

Speaker 1 They're not fucking professional drivers. Yeah, that's true.
Why the fuck am I giving them my car in a lot that's as big as this room?

Speaker 1 Why the fuck am I doing that?

Speaker 1 I've had that job. The pressure on you guys is so stupid for you guys to park our fucking cars and maneuver.

Speaker 1 If you hit my, if my car gets hit by you guys or another comic even fucks up on accident because how many people leave their fucking drunk? Yeah. Right.
If that happens, they'll pay for it.

Speaker 1 The store will take care of it, But I have to physically do the shit. Yeah.
I got to go to the fucking guy to get it fixed. I have to get a loaner.
Yeah. So it's not even the money.

Speaker 1 It's like, I don't want the headache. So I park on the ramp.
And then Adam used to be like, oh, we don't, I don't know if we have all those spots. And I was like, you guys need to make it happen.

Speaker 1 And now we have all those spots.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yesterday we didn't because the hotel had an event and the lot's half under construction right now.

Speaker 1 That's terrible. Yeah,

Speaker 1 when you said you got dropped off, I was like, oh, thank God.

Speaker 2 We only have like seven spots to win.

Speaker 1 Blue chew. That's right.
This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew. Hey, Andrew.
Papa got ED, dude. I know you do, but pee-beats sometimes don't work, dog.

Speaker 1 Sometimes your pee-pee doesn't work, but there's an easy way to make it work. What is it? Blue Chew.
Blue Chew.

Speaker 1 It's time to bring the summer heat into the bedroom. That's right.
Temperatures aren't the only thing that's rising this summer. Also, Bobby's boner.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Blue Chew is a unique online service that delivers the same active

Speaker 1 ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, but in chewable tablets at a fraction of the cost. And that's good because Bobby can't swallow pills.
He needs to.

Speaker 1 You can take them anytime, day or night. So you plan ahead.
Be ready whenever an opportunity arises. The process is simple.

Speaker 1 Sign up at bluechew.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers. And once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days.
And that's the best part, Andrew.

Speaker 1 It's all done online. So no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy.

Speaker 1 So look, if you're having a little bit of trouble, which a lot of people do, or if you just want that extra pump. It really does work.
I love it. Use Blue Chew, baby.

Speaker 1 You can benefit from extra confidence when it's time to perform. Blue Chew can help.
We have a deal for our listeners, Bob. What is it?

Speaker 1 Try Blue Chew free when you use promo code BadFriends at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping.
That's Blue Chew.com, promo code BadFriends to receive your first month free.

Speaker 1 Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.

Speaker 1 I went to a restaurant last night with Kalila. Where'd you go? It's called Monski.
Sorry? M-A-N-T's. I have the guy's card.
It was the best restaurant I've ever been to. Mansky.
Yeah. M-A-N-T.

Speaker 1 It's right here. Los Angeles.
M-A-N-Z-K-E. M-A-N-Z-K-E.

Speaker 1 Everything they came out with was like, oh, I'm in heaven. My mouth is in heaven.
Where is it? It's right on Pico. Pico and what?

Speaker 1 Right by Fox.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. My favorite place over there is called Marty's Hot Dog Stand.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But this place, dude, is like, I don't know if it's Michelin or whatever, but it was pretty pricey.
but it's the same people that could do Republican. This isn't Michel.
This is Dunlop.

Speaker 1 This is Dunlop. You go there.

Speaker 1 Because I was suggesting. I'm just kidding.
Oh. I just named another tire.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. The outside looks like an old French manor.
Yeah, it really is one of the best restaurants I've been to L.A. When you go to the bathroom, they walk you to the bathroom.
That's absurd.

Speaker 1 I like it. And they go.

Speaker 1 What, in case you get lost?

Speaker 1 I know how to shit.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I've done it before. He stands there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's watching you there's no doors on the stalls yeah

Speaker 1 toilet paper yeah but there was a big laugh i got so you know they pull your chair and i i've never i don't know why i've never had that happen before so kalila laughed because

Speaker 1 i didn't know how to do it right so he pulls the chair and i went like this right because i i felt like i needed the fucking you know made feel the chair underneath my bottom to sit down so i stood there like five seconds and he goes to this that the guy goes so this is how we're gonna do it

Speaker 1 That's what he said.

Speaker 1 And I sat down, and like everyone was laughing, but it was like embarrassing. That's what you get.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, you don't want to start dinner with a trust exercise.

Speaker 1 That's exactly right. Just trust, a trust fault.
Just trust.

Speaker 1 That's exactly what it is. Go to Marty's Hot Dogs on Pico.
Let me show you a real high-quality restaurant on Pico. Is it good, really? Oh, you weren't kidding.

Speaker 1 Not even remotely. Pico, Los Angeles.
Watch this. So, when I was a PA, there you go.
That's Marty's baby boy. When I was a PA, and I first moved here, I literally had maybe $5 a day to spend on food.

Speaker 1 I had my budget because I could eat breakfast at the fucking studio, and then I had to get lunch, and then I could steal dinner and take it home.

Speaker 1 And I used to go to Marty's, and they've got the original. See, it says home of the combo.

Speaker 1 You know what the combo is? I'm not kidding. What is it? It's a filleted hot dog on top of a cheeseburger.

Speaker 1 Fucking amazing. Look at there's the combo right there.
Wait, wait. So it's a filleted hot dog inside a cheeseburger.
That's the combo, right? You're looking at it right there. That's crazy.

Speaker 1 So I'm sorry? We got to figure out a way to jazz this hammer. Where's Marty?

Speaker 1 Where's Marty from? Where is that? I don't know. I'm just put the hot dog in there.
Bobby has a total of one accent he can do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's ambiguous. It's ambiguous.
That's why.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. It's French.
It's Mexican. It's all kinds of microphone.
Tell me the last time you've seen this before. Yep.

Speaker 1 My point is to stop. Stop, stop, stop.
Have you ever seen this before?

Speaker 1 No. No.

Speaker 1 So that's my point. Then Marty's figured it out.

Speaker 1 Because Marty, I'm assuming, was a big boy, and he had a hot dog in one hand and a burger burger in the other and his mouth was full and he had food all over his body.

Speaker 1 And he was like, why can't I just put these together?

Speaker 1 And someone was like, do it, Marty, do it. And he's like, you hear me? Yeah.
And he did it. And you know what this is to me? Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is when you get the McDonald's breakfast and you put the hash brown in the sandwich, which everybody does, right?

Speaker 1 What? I never thought of that.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait.

Speaker 2 That's what it is. I've been taking a bite of the sandwich and then a bite of the hash browns in my mouth.

Speaker 1 That's insane. No, you

Speaker 1 put the hash brown in the sandwich and you put it right. It's supposed to.
By the way, it should come that way. McDonald's, wisen the fuck up.
I also like when they put the egg in there.

Speaker 1 You like a fried egg in a hamburger. Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely. Have you had that? Yeah, that's good.
So good. Okay, let's create our own hamburger then.
Okay, what is it going to be called?

Speaker 1 The Bad Friends Burger? The Bad Friends Burger. All right.
But we might have to do some arguments. But let's try to make a great hamburger, but that's original.

Speaker 1 Okay, we got to give some credit, though. It's called

Speaker 1 the BFB, The Bad Friends Burger, featuring juicy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The juicy burger.
The juicy burger. The juicy burger.
The bad friend's juicy burger. Yeah, yeah, the bad friend's juicy burger.
Spelled like juicy smolette.

Speaker 1 Okay, so let's start with the bun, right? The bun has to be brioche.

Speaker 2 Wait, what if it's not bread?

Speaker 1 Fuck, Jesse. Fuck!

Speaker 1 Fuck, man. She's off to a hot start.

Speaker 1 She's off to a hot start. What is it? Because Jules would have said, put a knife in it.
Yeah. You know what I mean? And like, what? What if it's the

Speaker 1 sides of knives? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so what's the bun then? If it's not bread, what is the bun? Because donuts have been done.
Donut burgers we've seen before. Yeah.
True. Yeah.
What is the bread?

Speaker 1 What could the bread be? Look at pizza. Pretzel's been done.
Yeah. Pretzel bread.
By the way, pretzel buns are fucking amazing. Greatest, right? My God.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, bagel burgers have been done before.

Speaker 1 A thick pita. No.

Speaker 1 I've got it. I've got one.
All right. Well, go on.
I've got one. Thick-cut bacon.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it should be meat. It should be meat.
The meat is the bread. All right.

Speaker 1 Meat's the bread.

Speaker 1 Two huge slices

Speaker 1 thick cut bacon.

Speaker 1 We're starting off. Yeah.
Thick-cut bacon is big like that. It can handle all that weight.
Yeah. So two pieces of thick cut bacon.
Can we do this? Can we do this?

Speaker 1 Yeah, one side bacon, one side something else. No, no, no.
We do the bacon bun, right? But, you know, we mix it with, like, so it's a bacon hash brown.

Speaker 1 Or a bacon brown. It's like a bacon brown, right? So you cut a...

Speaker 1 There's bacon, and there's, but we make it into a... Timeout.
No.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 You cut up the potatoes and the onions to make the hash browns. Yeah.
And you cut up little pieces of bacon in there. In there.
Fry them together. Fry them together.
Make a bun.

Speaker 1 Form them into a bun. No bun.
All right. So it's bacon, hash brown.
It feels like it's going to fall apart, though. No, no, not if you sue.
If you, you got to crisp the fuck out of the hash browns.

Speaker 1 You crisp it the fuck out of it. We can also add a binding agent if we want to.
Yes. We can add some flour.

Speaker 1 I was going to go with flour, but cum might work. All right.
Forget it. No, no, no, it might.
I'm not a yeah, I'm not a chef.

Speaker 1 No, but if we do this, what if we do a little bit of egg, a little bit of egg, flour, egg flour, potatoes for the hash browns, onions to go in there, and then. And just a little bit of cum.

Speaker 1 Yeah, not my cum. My cum's on.
Who's? Mine's very like

Speaker 1 liquidity. Viscous.
Yeah, viscous. Yeah, yeah.
Well, I don't know if. Can I be honest and say we don't need cum in the fish? All right, fine.
You're right.

Speaker 1 All right, fine. Of all the times on this show that we do need cum in the thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So no cum.
Because by the way, I need a fan at home.

Speaker 1 We want a bad friends fan to make this and send us photos. Right.
No cum.

Speaker 2 They're going to be cum in it now.

Speaker 1 This is the problem. All right.

Speaker 1 No, when you say no cum, then they're going to put cum cum in. All right, all right.
Put cum in. I don't know what you want.
That's a loser. Lose what you want.
All right, so

Speaker 1 we bake the thing, right?

Speaker 1 So now the meat. Look at what Pete wrote, by the way.
Bun, thick cut bacon and

Speaker 1 hash brown as the bread. Bacon brown, hash brown.
No cum. No cum.
Bold letters. You need to put it.
Yeah. Yeah.
They'll know. This is the recipe.
This is going to go up on Twitter. Right.

Speaker 1 So now, the meat. Now, here's the thing with me with meat, right?

Speaker 1 I don't like big chunk. I don't like a chunky.
Do you like that? You mean like. I I like when the patty's thinner.
Yeah, no, thinner patties is probably better for me.

Speaker 1 So we do, so we can add more stuff to it. Correct.

Speaker 1 Right? So we do, how about this? We do a really thin patty. Yeah, but what kind of meat?

Speaker 2 Like paper thin.

Speaker 1 No, like a cheese, like, you know, a slice of cheese. I like paper-thin patties.
Paper-thin patty.

Speaker 2 Oh, like those smash burgers. Have you guys had those?

Speaker 1 I like smash burgers. Yeah, let's get it.
Even thinner. I think even thinner.
No, because we're going to do different layers of it. Like rice paper thin.
Rice paper thin patty, right? Yes.

Speaker 1 And then we put a rice paper thin piece of what kind of cheese? Tulamuk? Tulemuk. Tilamuk is a brand, but yeah, we can just do.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm sorry, my bad. Jack cheese, what kind of cheese? Well, I think we should have all sorts of.
I do love cheese.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I love cheese. Like a

Speaker 2 soft cheese.

Speaker 1 Soft cheese.

Speaker 1 Like a brie. A feta? A feta.

Speaker 1 Feta.

Speaker 1 Feta is what I'm. Yeah, my bad.
Yeah. We can either do brie, cheddar, jack, pepper jack, Colby Jack.
We could do.

Speaker 1 Can we do all of it? Mozzarella. Can we put all those cheeses in one cheese?

Speaker 2 You could do that.

Speaker 1 Holy fuck, fuck, all those cheeses in one cheese? Yeah, yeah. So make it the cheddar.

Speaker 1 Write them all down.

Speaker 1 So all of the cheddars. All the chatters.
All the cheddars. Oh, yeah.
In one cheese.

Speaker 1 Fresh mozzarella, not hardened mozzarella, fresh where it's like lumpy off the wet. You know what it's like? So how do you put that into the cheese? What do you mean? You melt it down.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you melt it down. You melt it down.
Just like brie. Oh, you got to melt it down.
You mix it with the bri. Brie.
So you put all the cheeses in the cheese. All the cheeses.

Speaker 1 And by the way, we didn't even name what kind of meat this is. What kind of meat is it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's go crazy.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, I would say it's got to be fucking, it's got to be something unique. It can't be just beef.
Beef is bored. We've had a bad thing.
I don't like deer. Okay, so no deer.
Yeah, no deer.

Speaker 1 I don't like buffalo. I don't like anything gamey.
What about raccoon? Is it good? I don't think it's good. Is it? Yeah.
Squirrel. Squirrel? Squirrel.
But it's got to be a mixed mince meat.

Speaker 1 It's got to be minted. How about this? Because, yeah, how about this? We call this an insurrectionist patty.

Speaker 1 Right? This is what I assume people that invade a January 6th would do. So this is called the January 6th birthday.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So we're doing an insurrectionist patty, right? So we put squirrel meat, raccoon meat, anything that they hunt.
You know what I mean? Like, you know, critters. Squirrel, coons, gopher.

Speaker 1 Rats, gopher. Yeah, prairie dogs.
Prairie dogs. Yeah, all that.

Speaker 1 Any little mound vermin. Vermin.
Vermin.

Speaker 1 But you have to make a paper thin. Paper thin.
Paper thing.

Speaker 1 Paper thing.

Speaker 1 It's a process.

Speaker 1 Wait, that's one of the patties. And the other one is A5 waigu.
Yeah, yeah. We go all

Speaker 1 from Japan. From Japan.
Yeah, yeah. Gotta be Japanese waigu.
Japanese waigu from Japan. Real kobe beef.
Make that a little thicker. A little bit thicker.
A little thicker. Yeah.

Speaker 1 To drown out the gopher meat.

Speaker 1 We need something that's going to kick over the fucking gopher meat. You know what I mean? Oh, beaver, beaver.
Got to put beaver in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Got to have beaver meat in the original meat.

Speaker 1 It's got to be beaver meat. It's the original meat.

Speaker 1 Everybody likes a little bit of beaver. Right.
All right. So, you know, everyone does avocado.
Boo. Boo.

Speaker 1 It's too simple.

Speaker 1 But the egg I like, right? But instead of chicken egg, just hear me out, ostrich egg. Love it.
It's huge. It's huge.
Yeah. Huge.
Okay, good.

Speaker 1 But how are you serving it? Scrambled, fried, over easy, over medium.

Speaker 1 What is it when they do it in the water? What's that called? When you poach it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 We poach it. A poached egg? We poach it.
Well, because we've poached it from the ostrich. We've stolen it, and we're going to poach it again.
Yeah. And we age it.

Speaker 2 Oh, but to make it taste.

Speaker 1 We got to age it. I don't know if you can age egg.
Yeah, just leave it there.

Speaker 1 It just gets older if you don't do anything with it.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 Well, I was gonna say, to make it taste extra good, we get the ostrich who laid the egg and make it watch us poach it.

Speaker 1 What does that do? That makes no fucking sense. It fucks it up.
No, it fucks it up. It does something.
Wait, wait, it fucks up the ostrich's mind.

Speaker 1 The mind's like, What are you guys doing? That's my baby. It changes the chemical composition of the meat because we are going to use that ostrich later.

Speaker 1 Okay. It goes into the patty.
It just seems like a lot to do, right?

Speaker 2 I thought we were driving back.

Speaker 1 No, no, we are driving back. You're right.
Let's fall the way. Let's fall the way.
Jesse, that's good.

Speaker 1 Juicy, that's good. Juicy, that's good.
That's Juicy. That's good.
So, so the ostrich has to, so we have to have some sort of barn.

Speaker 1 Man, we're this is gonna cost us a lot of money. A lot of money, man.
We have to have a barn. All right, all right.

Speaker 1 So, we'll have a little barn in the back of the restaurant, a baby barn with a gigantic ostrich in there. Love, they're huge.
Okay, good, right. All right, so now we're now.
Do we want anything?

Speaker 1 And you let me just say that in terms of jobs, right? You, that's your job.

Speaker 2 What? To tend the barn?

Speaker 1 You tend the barn with the ostrich because that's your fucking idea. Hey, Hey, but let it elevate.

Speaker 1 You're a barn employee.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And we'll give you points on the rest of the stuff.
I'm a barn person. And you have to park some of the ostriches when they come in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Because they're going to want to check it out.

Speaker 1 Other ostriches are going to be like, what's going on? Yeah. And they don't ride cars.
They do the scooters. Like a bird.
Like a bird. They ride a burr.
They ride

Speaker 1 the bird scooters. Yeah, yeah.
Ostriches will exclusively ride the bird scooters.

Speaker 1 So we have

Speaker 1 poached. Get barn.

Speaker 1 You know what's so fucked up about this production crew that we have? Yeah, yeah. They are the the best.
They will buy a barn for us. Yeah, yeah.
We will next week have a barn

Speaker 1 in here, and we'll be like, why do we have that?

Speaker 1 Fancy's like, what did you do? You put it in the thing. So poaching it is wrong or right?

Speaker 2 I think poaching is right. It's going to be hard to hold, but it'll taste good.

Speaker 1 It'll taste really good. All right.
So we... But is it a thick layer? Because the thing is, is that everything's so thin.

Speaker 1 I don't want the whole thing to come out in just one white egg and there's thin slices of other things. Well, then let's just take a piece of the poaching.
Let's not poach it.

Speaker 1 Okay, so what do you want? You want fried? We fry it. Okay.
Thin.

Speaker 1 Thin is the key. Okay.
All right. I'm being real.
Thin is the key. Thin fry.
Thin fry. It's real thin fry.
Right, so we have the cheese. We have the thin layer of gopher meat and all the other road

Speaker 1 beaver and all that stuff, right? We have a thicker piece of

Speaker 1 wagaya.

Speaker 1 We have a thin piece of ostrich egg, right?

Speaker 1 And then now we need a vegetable. Yeah, we need a vegetable.

Speaker 2 Do we, though?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You want some greenery? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it'll help digest it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, nothing's going to help digest this.

Speaker 1 What? You don't like it already? No, no, I love it. I'm just saying you're not going to shit for like a week and a half.
Your body is going to do something. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So what kind of vegetable, though? Because we're not fucking with lettuce. That's bullshit.
No, we're not doing khaki shit.

Speaker 2 We could do fruit.

Speaker 1 Fruit could be cool, but you got to be careful what kind of fruit. What kind of fruit? What are we talking, like a passion fruit?

Speaker 1 Little pomegranate seeds. That's something.

Speaker 1 Pomegranate seeds. Let me think about that.
I I got it. I got it.
I got it too. By the way, pomegranate can be garnish.
It can be garnished on top of the bun. But I tell you what, we're going to be.

Speaker 1 We're fried into the ostrich egg. What, the pomegranate seeds? Yeah.
Fucking money. Absolutely fucking money.
So that's a little crunch. Delicious crunch.

Speaker 1 Because you watch, hey, you did, you did, not Iron Chef. You did Master Chef.
Yeah. You know, texture means everything.
You got to have a myriad of textures in a good dish. And I got it, by the way.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. I know what vegetable we're putting on there.
What is it?

Speaker 1 Artichoke. Yes.

Speaker 1 Because you have it in your mouth. I do.
Yeah, yeah. And also, there's a little artichoke right there.
So there's a little artichoke.

Speaker 1 And artichokes, by the way, are fucking bomb. Fried artichoke is so good.
You have a question? Yeah. May I have a question? Yeah, and I know what you're going to ask, but go ahead.

Speaker 1 I want to know. What is an artichoke? No, I know what an artichoke is.
I know what an artichoke is. What is it? So artichoke is that

Speaker 1 you eat the inside of the soft part. I'll do it.

Speaker 1 The leaves have meat in them, and you peel it out, but you don't chew the meat. And then the archoke.
And you're just going to be

Speaker 1 taking all that stuff off. Oh, dude, you can rip that right off and then get to the heart right away.
You can get to the archo. Oh, so we're only doing artichoke heart.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're not doing the leaves. Yeah, so we put the heart.
How do we chop it up? I mean, it's super soft.

Speaker 1 It's this small, the fucking heart. I know, but you don't.

Speaker 1 You just fucking

Speaker 1 put it into the.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? You just layer it on there. Like pickles.
Like pickles. Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 And you know what? We're going to pickle it. We're pickling artichoke hearts.
How about pickle the archito? You can make it into a paste. Ooh.

Speaker 1 A spread. A spread.
Got it. So an an easier season.
It seems easier. Like, imagine it's slammed.
A restaurant? Or a restaurant. Yeah.
It's easier to scoop and spread. I mean, this is a dynamic thing.

Speaker 1 So I get it. And we're like, Biz Egg, get the why is the ostrich in the kitchen?

Speaker 1 Imagine the came out.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Juicy. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We would be yelling juicy out. She's outside.
She's like, I'm parking the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We didn't do this right.

Speaker 1 All right, so we spread it right. We put another, obviously, another of the hash brown buns over it.

Speaker 1 Correct. Is that enough? I don't know.
Juice?

Speaker 1 I have another theory. Just hear me out.
What else is it missing, I guess? Have you ever had a Monte Cristo?

Speaker 1 Sorry? A Monte Cristo sandwich. A Monte Cristo sandwich? Yeah.
What is that? Look it up.

Speaker 1 Do you know what it is? Yeah, it's like a...

Speaker 1 Is it ham or pastrami? But just here, well, how it's made. Go ahead.
So,

Speaker 1 so, all right, So, basically, what it is, a Monte Cristo sandwich is, that's what it is. It's a French toast, right? And all the stuff is in the inside.
With ham.

Speaker 1 Right, but it's not, there's no borders. It's like one solid piece of sandwich.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's beautiful. Right.

Speaker 1 So, is there any way we can Monte Cristo it?

Speaker 2 I think there's a way we could.

Speaker 1 So, basically, when you get it, it's a block of hash brown, but when you bite into it, you see all the things inside it.

Speaker 1 Just have to fry it. What? You have to fry it together.
Oh, so we're going to deep-fry this sandwich, this burger? Yes. Yeah.
All right. And then we put powdered sugar on it.

Speaker 1 And a little bit of syrup. And a little bit of syrup.
Yeah. Just for a little sweet kick.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I love this fucking thing.

Speaker 1 Mona Cristo the fuck out of that sandwich, powdered sugar, and a little bloop, like a little, a little Bobby cum drop of syrup. Yeah, we'll get it.
But no cum, please. No cum.
No cum, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 We'll get a little eyedropper.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Eyedropper.
And it's just icing. A little bit of, yeah, it's just a little bit of icing.
And you let it sit. Ice cream, yeah.

Speaker 1 Can someone at home make this?

Speaker 1 Yeah. If someone can make this, this was similar to it.
No, no, they can make this. They can make this.
It seems hard. There's no ingredients on here that they don't have access to.
That's true.

Speaker 1 Squirrels, coons, prairie dogs, vermin, beaver, all available.

Speaker 1 Imagine just that alone. It's a process.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Come on, Billy. How good of a fan are you? What? How good of a fan are you? That's true.
Make the burger. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Come on, Billy. Yeah.
Come on back here. We got three of them four things at night.
I'm a prayer dog and hogwart, but I don't know how to get the squirrel, man. I know how to get a squirrel.

Speaker 1 Come here, Duke. Yeah.
Dog out there. Yeah.
Duke, go get me a squirrel.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you, Juicy,

Speaker 1 in terms of the reputation among, because

Speaker 1 you have access to how people feel about. So who has a better in terms of just a

Speaker 1 general reputation, Andrew or I? What does that even mean?

Speaker 1 I want to know. A reputation for what? As a comedian? As a comedian, as a nice guy, as a.

Speaker 1 What a baited question.

Speaker 1 You're afraid. No, go ahead.
I don't give a fuck. Are you afraid of the answer? No, she already said it already.

Speaker 1 That people think I'm fucking intimidating.

Speaker 2 Intimidating because they want to talk to you.

Speaker 2 Well, can I, before I answer, tell you that when I first started talking to you, I was like, I was like, oh, this is awesome. And then the next day, I had to tell you that you were bummed.

Speaker 1 Oh, you know, dude. So I remember that night because she's in the store.
I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So I was like, why do I do that?

Speaker 1 How did you do it? So I'm Andrew. How did you do it? I was nice to you.

Speaker 2 You were really nice.

Speaker 1 And I was fucking.

Speaker 1 You said, Mr. Santina, what'd you call her? No, she said, hey, Andrew.

Speaker 2 I said, hey, Andrew. And I go,

Speaker 2 you're going to go on after the next comic. And he goes, what?

Speaker 2 Because I talk really quiet.

Speaker 1 I was really nice. I was so quiet.

Speaker 2 And then I told him again. And then you said, okay, well, I'm leaving.

Speaker 1 You got up and left. I did.
And I was very nice to her. And I said, I know this has nothing to do with you.
Yeah. But I was bummed.

Speaker 1 And I went to one of the people in management and I said, this is not okay. Because we talked about this on the show.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think I heard that.

Speaker 1 The bumping stuff I just don't like. I think it's yucky, nasty poo-poo fart.
Just call in for your spot. I wasn't mean to you, but no.

Speaker 2 We all think you guys are both cool because a lot of people come out to the shows for you guys, too. So it's like, we know it's going to be a good, good show.
But I was nasty.

Speaker 1 Well, that Bad Friends thing we did for Netflix was amazing. That was amazing.
That was a fun one. That was fucking dope.
Thank you for coming out, everybody. Yeah, thank you guys for coming with us.

Speaker 1 We have that live show. Well, this is the live show you need to watch at the comfort of your own home.
Yeah. And these shirts, are they selling these shirts? Yeah.
We are. Only for that.

Speaker 1 Only for the show, and then they're never going to show them again. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And maybe one day Juicy could be on one of these shirts.
I think Juicy should be on the next show with us. Yeah.
I would love to do that. You should do the next show with us.

Speaker 1 When the next podcast? Well, that for sure, but I'm saying the next live thing that we do, she should do it. Yeah, yeah.
I want to see the chemistry between Juicy and Doc.

Speaker 2 We'll talk about the lot.

Speaker 1 Because Doc used to work the lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you know Doc?

Speaker 2 No, I've never met him. You never met him.

Speaker 1 Does he have his picture up somewhere in the locker room or something? In the lot locker room? In the lot locker room. Like he's a legend? I don't, you know, I think I like the opposite of what I am.

Speaker 1 I'm so needy and such an open book. It's so gross.
Go back to words like needy.

Speaker 1 Do you think I'm needy?

Speaker 1 Oh, you think I'm the neediest person you know? Dude, the funniest thing in the world is the way he even asked it. Do you think I'm needy?

Speaker 1 You needy bitch. Bro, don't call me a needy bitch, dude.
All right. You're my little needy bitch.
That's fine.

Speaker 1 You're the neediest friend I have. Yeah, for sure.
But so let's explore that.

Speaker 1 But you're also quite selfish as a needy person, where if I need something from you, I get almost nothing.

Speaker 1 Tell me I'm wrong. You're right and wrong.

Speaker 1 Because I don't even understand the question. Like, what's this? No, no, no, no, no.
I don't really understand it.

Speaker 1 What I'm saying is, if I need something, you're needy and I will give you everything. But if I need something from you, sometimes you're not available.
But guys, honestly,

Speaker 1 because I want to change, right? So you think that I'm needy? Like, I call for things. I don't feel like I call for, like, I need this or pay attention to me or, you know, any of that stuff.

Speaker 1 You only call when you need something.

Speaker 1 Oh, so Andrew calls, like, how are you? And that's it? We do talk. Yes, we do talk.
Oh, fuck. So I am needy.
Yeah. So needy is, I only interact if I need something.

Speaker 1 Okay, I've got a goal because it's not going to change with me. We're such old friends, it doesn't matter.
Yeah, yeah. With Juicy? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I want you once a week to call her just to check in and say, hi. You have to do it.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 Twice that torture for you. Once a week to call Juicy.
So I call Juicy once a week and go, how are you? What's going on? Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just to be like, hey, what's going on?

Speaker 1 What's going on?

Speaker 1 What are spots like in town? All right, so I'll call. Ding, ding.

Speaker 2 Bobby?

Speaker 1 How are you?

Speaker 1 I'm good. How are you? What's the liked spots around town? That's okay.
That's pretty good. That's pretty good.
Yeah, try it again. Oh, I have to do it again? Well, say it more closely.

Speaker 1 All right, wait, because I'm memorizing the way you said it. Right.
So let me just, let's start from top. Okay.
Ring, ring. Is that an Asian one?

Speaker 1 All right. You know what? That's me.
Well, ring, ring. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I said it to that, so I know it's Bobby.

Speaker 1 Got it. Yeah, okay.
That's her ring copy. That's her book.
Yeah. I know.
Blam, blam, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, Bobby.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. No, yours is gong.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so ring, ring.
Got it.

Speaker 2 Bobby?

Speaker 1 Hey, Juicy. Do you mind if I call you Juicy? Or is it? Because we just did that on the podcast.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think it's funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a little nickname. That's cool.

Speaker 1 How's it going?

Speaker 2 It's good. What's up? Do you need something?

Speaker 1 No, I don't need anything. What I need you to do is to listen.

Speaker 1 Too much. Another need.

Speaker 1 That seems needy, right? No. But what you would say there is, no, I just want to see how you are.
That's true. Go ahead.
No, I just want to see how you are.

Speaker 1 No. emphasis on you, not how.
I want to see how you are. You talk the way I talk.
Well, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I just want to see how you are. There it is.
Andrew, are you on the phone, too?

Speaker 1 So how are you?

Speaker 1 Don't tell her I'm here. Yeah, so how are you?

Speaker 1 I'm good. Thanks for asking.
What's going on?

Speaker 2 I'm just watching TV and having a good day.

Speaker 2 What are you doing?

Speaker 1 Tell her what you're doing. Oh.
Well, I'm driving down the street because I have to go somewhere. Good.
Yeah, yeah. Hey, get some to eat.
Hey, I was thinking. I was thinking about you.

Speaker 1 No, no,

Speaker 1 I was thinking. I was thinking maybe we could get lunch.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 I was thinking maybe we could get lunch. I was thinking maybe you and I.
Get a coffee.

Speaker 1 Get a coffee.

Speaker 1 Okay. I've never done that with anybody.
Well, don't tell her.

Speaker 1 It's a lot of problems.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Sorry, I have a friend in the car.

Speaker 1 Coffee? Yeah, coffee. Okay.

Speaker 1 I was thinking you and I could get some coffee. You like it?

Speaker 1 I would, I would like it. Do you like it? Do you like coffee?

Speaker 1 Because I don't know you.

Speaker 2 Well, I actually am not drinking caffeine, but I'll get a tea.

Speaker 1 Lunch then, because I like food. Okay, yeah, I like food too.
Right. Good pivot.
And I'm just going to be myself here. I'm paying.
Oh, yeah. I have to pay.
Dad, you didn't even say it.

Speaker 1 I have always said it. But you could just do it and not say it.
Whenever I go to a restaurant with anybody, I say, I'm paying. You could have just do it and not say it.
You can just do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because it becomes a thing. I don't like the awkward thing of like at the because you know, you know, when the bill comes because they're poorer.

Speaker 1 That sounds bad, they don't have as much money, right? Yeah, when I you go out with somebody that doesn't have as much money and you're going to an expensive place, let's let's suppose, right?

Speaker 1 You, I always say, I'm gonna pay for it beforehand so they can feel relaxed during the meeting because they can order whatever they want. So, tell her where you're gonna go, yeah.

Speaker 1 So, we're going to Matsuke.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, Monsuke. Is that a dinner or a lunch boss box? It's we can go have lunch there, but it's they basically it's a um they they serve you.
There's no ordering.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Where do you live? And then I'll get her address. Goodbye.
Goodbye. I pick you up.
Good. Right now? Yeah, right now.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
This is great. She's a great person.

Speaker 1 And then we hang up, and then we have the

Speaker 1 fucking coffee with her. Dude, now I have to go take her to Monsuke.
I got to call the fucking manager. You know how much that costs? A lot.
Yeah. But that's what you got to do.

Speaker 1 If you want to stop being needy and start being open for other people's feelings and get to know what she's got going on, you got to take her to Matsuke.

Speaker 1 I'm going to start with Wiener Sitzer first.

Speaker 1 Marty's. Marty's first.

Speaker 1 We'll get that fucking hot dog. Marty's on pico.
Right. And then we'll move our way.
And then you graduate to somewhere. We'll graduate to some.
Okay, so I'm going to start doing that.

Speaker 1 But this is what friendships are. That's what friendships are.
Yes, that's what they are. Exactly.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Would you feel weird about that? Because I've never done that with anybody.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd feel a little weird. Because I also don't know the last time I've eaten at a restaurant that

Speaker 1 extravagantly. Okay, that's it.

Speaker 1 We're taking her to a nice restaurant now. Yeah.
No, no, no. This is enough of this.
It's enough of this. We are really going to take it to a nice restaurant.
Where do you want to go?

Speaker 1 What's a place that you really wanted to eat at?

Speaker 2 I don't even know.

Speaker 1 Well, we got to go to the next one. That's the best restaurant you've been to in L.A.
How long have you been in LA?

Speaker 2 So I've been to Tao. That's probably the fanciest place I've ever been to.

Speaker 1 And where's that at?

Speaker 2 That's right by Dream Hollywood.

Speaker 1 It's in Hollywood. Tao, it's brand new.
It's well, relatively new. I said pre-pandemic.

Speaker 1 How old are you, Juice?

Speaker 2 32.

Speaker 1 Okay. What's your favorite kind of food? Is the best way to start?

Speaker 2 Pizza.

Speaker 1 Great. We'll take you to a pizza place.
Maybe Blackbird. Have you been there? Yeah.
On Melrose? Okay. Or do you like Italian food?

Speaker 2 I like ramen.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 We want her to stretch her legs here.

Speaker 1 Well, I just want to. No, no, if we go to Bestia.

Speaker 1 We can go to Bestia. That's a nice restaurant.
Yeah. Right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Good.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Or Kato on Melrose.
Very good. Yeah, it's a steakhouse.
Steak? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you like steak? I like steak. Polly cooked.
Okay, so Polly cooked a steak.

Speaker 1 Polly's steaks.

Speaker 1 I was vomited. Wait, he cooked us.
He cooked us.

Speaker 1 These were two for one at Smart Final, bro. They were so good.
They were good. Yeah.
We're going to take you to a real restaurant. We'll take you to a real nice one.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm so excited to do this. This is exciting.
I like lots of food. Yeah.
One more time for the last time. We're doing this show live.
We have a bunch of surprises.

Speaker 1 I wish we could even tip one of them, but we cannot. We're doing a bunch of fun stuff for Bad Friends Live.
Tuesday, June 28th, 6 p.m.

Speaker 1 Go to momenthouse.com slash bad friends. The link's in the description, of course.
It'll be up on the screen somewhere. Do yourself a favor, watch this.
It's going to be so much fucking fun.

Speaker 1 And then you can buy a shirt on the site, and they're only available for that time. For that time.
And then they'll go away.

Speaker 1 Again, Bad Friends live stream Tuesday, June 28th at 6 p.m. PST.
Get your tickets right now. Momenthouse.com slash Bad Friends.
Juice. Juice Dog.
Look into that that. What's your handle?

Speaker 1 Do you have a handle though? You want to promote it? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Plug all that shit. Everything at Jetsuki Johnson.
Sick.

Speaker 2 Comedy store Wednesday nights up next. Maybe you'll see Bobby.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe. Maybe.
Probably. Jetsky Johnson on Insta, Twitter, all that shit.
Everything. And we'll put the description.
I'll put all her shit in the description so people can go check her out.

Speaker 2 And my clip on Stand Up O the Spot is coming out soon, which Jeremiah Watkins.

Speaker 1 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 1 You put him up on YouTube. Don't say that his name? Huh? That much.

Speaker 1 Why? Don't you love him? No, we're going to poop. We're going to say that part.
We're going to boop it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll say Bobby's buddy. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Bobby's brother's buddy. Bobby's brother's buddy.

Speaker 1 Juice dog, look in that camera right there and

Speaker 1 take us out with our final phrase. Do you know what it is what we say every time when we say goodbye?

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 1 You're fancy claws? Yeah. So why are we doing doing this for you?

Speaker 1 I forgot. Why are we doing this? What do you mean? Why are we doing this? Because you've never had fancy clothes.
She's never had a nice dinner? Yeah. You starving?

Speaker 2 I haven't eaten all day, Philip.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, now you're starving stroke, so now you're going to only eat, like, one thing. I ate a couple of things.

Speaker 1 Welcome.

Speaker 1 New relaxation.

Speaker 1 I was worthless bucks. You know, we have the whole restaurant for ourselves.
We just opened five minutes ago.

Speaker 1 Here's the best thing, when you get a podcast, you just have to find someone you fall in love with, and that's who you should do it with. This is what we do.
We build an audience.

Speaker 1 We build an audience, we build an audience. That's a good like this is what we put every time.

Speaker 1 You like that?

Speaker 1 That looks beautiful.

Speaker 1 Caviar and oysters. Man, are we living a good life? What are we doing?

Speaker 1 Welcome to the podcast. Cheers.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the family.

Speaker 1 I'm not toasting you. I'm not toasting you.
Well, why can't welcome her to the family? She does one podcast. She's in the family.
No, that's fine. She's in the family.
It takes five. It takes five.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. All right, so here, let me uncheers you.

Speaker 1 woof, and I'm a bit of a

Speaker 1 dream, woof, and not

Speaker 1 woof,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 woof,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 woof,

Speaker 1 yeah,