Rated F for Fun

Hi, Carlos!

Hi, Andres! What are we doing here today? We're learning how to tell time. Holy moly! Our fans shouldn't listen to their leader, Bobby Lee, so much.
He needed Marc Maron to teach them how to tell time. Oh, no! Do you think our fans don't know how to tell time? I don't think they do.
How about we teach them? Let's teach them. Did you know there are three time zones in the US? There are actually four.
Oh, yeah, but nobody cares about the mountain people, right? Yeah, no, just white people. Let's think about our three time zones.
What are they? New York, Chicago, Los Angeles. Or as other people might know it as eastern central and western time oh okay that's fantastic so let's see if we if it's nine o'clock in la what time is it in new york 14 oh wait how do i do this andres it only three hours difference, so we have to make this small hand go three numbers up.
Oh. It's nine in LA.
It's 12 in New York. That's when Bad Friends comes out.
Is that so difficult, your moronic audience, to understand? You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Welcome to Bad Friends.
Hey, we got these new shirts. I love them.
You know why we got these new shirts? This is the Bad Friends Family Live. We're doing a live show June 28th.
June 28th. June 28th.
Go to momenthouse.com slash badfriends to sign up to watch this live show. It's a Christian live show.
It's a Christian live show. I'm getting baptized.
I'm baptizing you. You're baptizing me by Joseph Smith.
Joseph Smith? Exactly, man. And it's going to be great.
So watch Bad Friends Live. You can watch it from your couch, from the bathtub, from a spaceship.
Yeah. You can watch from anywhere.
It's a Christian-only show. It's going to be – what is below G? Below G is H – no, A, B, C, D, E, F.
It'll be F. It'll be rated F? Yeah, yeah.
For fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.
Watch Bad Friends Live. Yeah.
June 28th. Sign up now.
Why didn't they have a rating G? Like in the movies, if they had a rated G movie. Wait, it is G.
G is the lowest rating. No, G is the good one, the Christian one.
But is there a, they should have a rating that's beyond F, that's worse. What do you mean? That's beyond X? There's NC-17.
Oh, there's NC-17. It goes G, PG, PG-13,

F. No, not F.

R. R.
I mean, R. That's right.

R. R.
Sorry, sorry.

Idiot. I just woke up,

so I have no idea what's going on. Then NC-17.
Right.

And then X is pornography. Yeah.

You mean one beyond X. X.
One beyond

X is what I meant to say. Like murder porn.

Yeah, but still directed

by legit people. Like

Quentin Tarantino. Like what would be a

Q? I think Q's pretty. Have you guys seen a Serbian film? Serbian? A Serbian film.
A Serbian. Serbian.
Are you saying the country Serbia? Yeah. A Serbian film.
A Serbian film. Say the letter B.
B. Say Serbian.
Serbian. There it is.
There it is. Only took you five times to do it.
We cannot have him on this show anymore. I know.
He keeps doing this stuff. Don't talk.
He's a producer engineer guy, right? We love the fancy. A Serbian film.
So that's rated beyond X? That is, yeah, like banned. It's banned.
That's sick if you get your film banned. We have to get that movie.
Yeah. Now, would you feel guilty for jerking off at that movie?

Yes.

Okay, well, I won't.

I refuse to.

What do you mean you'd feel guilty?

What is the movie about?

It's a horror film about a porn star who has sex with babies.

Okay, okay, okay.

We can't watch it.

We can't watch it.

Can we introduce Jess?

What the fuck are you talking about, F why would you watch that did you direct it is that what you're teaching those kids in film school yeah yeah everyone class assignment to watch yeah a serbian film no first kurosawa then we're gonna talk about orson welles and then serbian film that That's the last chapter. All right.
Let's introduce our guest. Yeah.
We've been trying. She canceled us one time before.
Yeah. What was that about? I was on South By.
And I was doing some shows out there. And Bobby called me.
And I could have flown back. But I drove out there.
So to take him in place. Do you think Bobby could have paid for a plane ticket for you to fly back here? No I mean yes but I would have done it Yes I would have done it.
No you wouldn't have Yeah I would have. Okay.
But I asked you is this the end of my career? What did I say? You said yes and then you said ha ha just kidding No but we're not kidding it was the end This is a funeral your career. Is Bono mad you stole his glasses? Wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, were you a big U2 fan? Like, oh, man, Josh is great.
Do you know, how old are you? 32. She's aware of that being put on your phone without your...
Talk about the original without consent. U2 sexually assaulting our phones with their fucking music.
Remember when just put it on your iTunes more like me too me that's a joke she's here yeah so Jesse Johnson is she's a door person at the store door person and comic how about fucking what a shitty fucking intro what's wrong with you today man you're so aggressive she's a good comedian I'm just trying to lay up some fucking lobs

Jessie's a good comedian

She's a great comedian

She's a door person

Who works at the comedy store

You don't have to say door person

Is she not?

She said

Just say she works at the comedy store

She works at the comedy store as a

She works there as a comedian who works there

And she does extra activities

I have extracurriculars

Well the vagueness of that is bad

Okay

What does that mean? She goes Can I see your ID? I have extracurriculars. Well, the vagueness of that is bad.
Okay.

What does that mean?

She goes, can I see your ID?

Yeah, yeah.

People need you. Hey, you know what her latest thing that was pissing me off?

What were you pissing me off?

We were in the hallway, right?

Oh, yeah.

So it's me, Letterman.

Who else was there?

Oh, yeah.

Who else was there?

David?

Shane Gillis was there.

Shane Gillis. Trevor Wallace.
Trevor Wallace. We're just sitting quietly talking.
Quiet. Quietly talking.
Like we were in a library, right? And this woman comes up to me, this door person, and goes, guys, you guys can keep it down. The show's going on.
I'm on her side. You probably were being too loud.
We weren't. The showroom is right there.
I bet you were talking too loud and people heard you in the showroom. No, what was happening? People complaining? I will tell you, people were complaining a lot and looking around, but then when you came in and they saw it was you doing it, they were like, oh my god, that's Bobby Levy being loud.
Don't do that to him. Don't give him that.
That's exactly. No, don't give him that.
That's exactly what happened and it's a factual truth. But I was kind of happy you walked in the room

because I was like, do I have to...

How am I to defuse this situation?

Because you came in shy.

You didn't know what to do because you were like...

You guys need to shut the fuck up.

You got to be assertive.

When you're talking to Shane Gillis, that guy's like, you know what I mean?

Dope.

Dope boy.

Is that what you want to call him?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That guy's a do- And Trevor's like, you know, H know hiv city you know what i mean he's a hiv patient no he just looks skinny and just kind of frail you know i mean you can't just let these fucking doughboys and hivvies you know i mean boss you around dog that's right yeah that's a life lesson it's a life lesson doughboys and hivvies man let these hiv kids and doughboys yeah i'm doughboys. Yeah, you might be too aggressive.
A little bit today. Yeah, I'm so sorry.

I just woke up, so that's my excuse.

When did you wake up, Jessie? I woke up at eight or nine.

Reasonable hour. Yeah.

And you worked late last night because I saw you there last night.

Yeah, I worked a lot last night.

Yeah, yeah. Were you from San Diego? Arizona.

Oh, why did I say San Diego? Did I?

I don't know why you said that. I think everybody from

the store is from San Diego. Everyone that comes up to work, I'm always like, are you all from San Diego? Did I ask you? I don't know why you said that.
I think everybody from the store is from San Diego.

Everyone that comes up to work, I'm always like, are you all from San Diego?

Arizona.

Phoenix?

Yeah, Phoenix.

God bless. Scottsdale?

That's where I went to college.

Where'd you go?

Scottsdale Community?

Fighting Artichokes.

There you go, baby.

They're called the Fighting Artichokes?

I went to Arizona State.

You know that, right?

Oh, we're rivals.

Well, not really.

One of us went to college.

What's the Fighting Artichoke?

The other one went to Scottsdale Community College. It's the Fighting Artichoke.
That's their symbol. Yeah, it's our mascot.
That's hilarious. That almost seems like it's a make-believe college.
But it grows so plentifully up there. Do you know artichokes are everywhere in Scottsdale? Oh, they are? No.
I don't know that. I've never seen an artichoke.
Never seen it on the menu. It has no connectivity.
Yeah. Do you know when we got our place, I moved into my place Three artichoke plants on my front I didn't know that they grow Like that in the wild Just in our front yard So you could like Randomly see artichoke plants growing in your shed When I moved in They were budding and big somebody had planted them right the guy that lived there before but i was like he didn't know hippie huh hippie hippie dippy yeah hippie dippy i hate hippie hippies i i'm gonna hippie i hate them more than you hate them no no i do you have no understand they make me nauseous what's the biggest what's the biggest thing about when i was in high school right that's the plant that's in my front it's crazy it's huge yeah when i was in high school right i was so into this is so gross drugs and dick no but yeah i was into those two things too but yeah yeah but i was also yeah yeah but thirdly you know what i mean my third favorite thing it went dicks drugs but my third and dicks and drugs would switch depending on the day some days i would do a a dick drug.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dick is your drug.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
So anyway, so dicks, drugs. And then, but the third thing that I was into was like kind of like, I was one of those weird like artsy emo kids.
Yeah, well, you were in a band. I saw the band is.
Yeah, but not only that, but I was like into like Kurosawa, like so gross. Like I was into Kurosawa films.
I was into like The Velvet Underground. And if it wasn't like Roxy music or, you know what I mean,

it's like a cool thing, right?

So all my other friends were into The Grateful Dead.

They would actually go and travel and go see them.

And I just hated the smell of patchouli.

I don't like hair on the legs.

Yeah.

I don't like pit hairs.

You know what I mean?

So I would always like fight with them about it.

Like I don't want to see a show where they're doing a jam in G major. You't like that a 45 minute jam in g two minutes song man right i got shit to do but they're just like g major you know and a flute popping into fuck you man i like the flute do you you always do devil's advocate i enjoy you and that's why we show.
Yeah, but anyway, I hate all of that. I don't like tie-dye.
Crystals. Crystals, tie-dye, dreadlocks on whites.
Yeah. Always get, always, dreadlocks on whites is always a movie.
Dreadlocks on whites. That's a good fucking.
It's just not for us. It's not.
It's not ours. Yeah.
So stop. That's the one appropriation where I'm mad that we don't get mad about.
Yeah. All the cultural appropriation that people get mad about.

Why not dreadlocks?

Why doesn't that get clapped on?

That's got to be.

But it's just dirty hair.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But for the clumpy, dirty hair.

But for whites.

They're allowed to have dirty, dirty hair.

Who?

Whites.

No.

Whites aren't allowed to have dirty hair?

Sure.

Anybody's allowed to have dirty hair.

But this is a conscious effort to make it dreadlocks.

That's true.

If you're homeless and you have dreadlocks I'll give you a pass maybe yeah yeah of course if you're homeless you get a pass about anything look at that Johnny Depp culturally appropriate that didn't get brought up in the trial that would have been good I mean sure she pooped his bed but this is this is abhorrent behavior acting like you're a non what look at that what is that yeah all pirates all had dreads i guess huh yeah but it's a character man i know it's not that's johnny depp did you see the clip that amber heard somebody put up today they were like is this real where she's like they said that you were acting and she's like oh is this was this told to you by uh the man that convinced the world that he had scissors for hands?

Oh, my God.

You already typed it in. You know, this clip, isn't this crazy? I was like, is this real? Look at this.
Listen to this. In the closing arguments, the debt lawyer said, called your testimony, the performance of a lifetime and said you were acting.
What do you say to that? says the lawyer for the man who convinced the world he had scissors for fingers you gotta be really pause that what the fuck she's lost her mind what were you thinking yeah yeah they said your performance at the stand was that you were acting like you had emotion and she she's like, yeah, but my ex-boyfriend played a scissor hand man. Imagine she was dating James Earl Jones.
Says the man who was wearing the black cape and the black space hat. Sure.
Yeah, sure. Sure.
Sure, man. I mean, you mean Darth Vader?

Yeah.

Sure.

We're not in space.

If that's what you call it.

Yeah.

It's insane.

Did she watch that and think he really had scissor hands?

See, that's what I think.

I think she really does think that.

Every role you take, you become that person for real.

Actually, you know what?

That's the only guy that does do that is, what's his name?

Fucking Lincoln.

Daniel D. Lewis.
Daniel D. Lewis.
That dude thinks he is Lincoln. Yeah.
He owns slaves during the movie. Yeah, yeah.
But that's called method acting and I'm allowing that. I disallow it.
Method acting, they're allowed to do it. Gone.
Out. Gone.
I don't want to be in the movie with them. Like when Jared Leto threw at a table read for Suicide Squad, he threw a pig onto the table read table where Will Smith was sitting and stuff.
He should have slapped him. You know what? I think Will Smith doesn't know when to slap, but that's when the appropriate- That's what actually, he was like, I'm going to slap that motherfucker and it stayed in his head for like two years.
It took two years and they came out with the Chris Rock thing. For some reason it came out on Chris Rock.
But yeah, that's irritating. I just don't.
What do you think about method acting? Are you an actor? Yes. Do you think? Why? Why? Wait, you are an actor.
Yeah, I'll take the role. Have you acted in anything? I mean, we're not.
Yeah, I have a long background in sketch comedy since I was 15 and doing like live acting and sketches so you do want to be an actor too yeah I want to be a comedic actor you want to do both yes if one took priority what would it be like if the business was like hey man you got to choose you got to be an actor or a stand up comedic acting oh so stand up but I wanted I love stand up yeah so like yeah okay let's say you're somebody calls you all right so on june 29th you have two gigs one is you get to open up for dave chappelle right in front of you know 70 000 people yeah right and all you have to do is eight minutes and netflix and everyone's going to be there so this is a good opportunity or you have you have a scene with Daniel Day-Lewis. Just listen.
Tom Hardy. And give me somebody else.
A woman. A Meryl Streep.
Right? But you're in the scene with them. And Chris Hemsworth.
And Chris Hemsworth for some reason. And Jason Momoa.
Yeah. And then the little one.
Peter Dinklage. Yeah.
The little one. They're all in it.
That's the whole thing. And Peter Dinklage, though, it's great because you're sort of like a Siamese twin.
Like Peter Dinklage is your underdeveloped by a Siamese twin. Sure.
So we're going to do a whole process of the thing where he's coming out of your body. He's stuck to your body.
Yeah. Okay.
And Meryl Streep and everyone else is playing their doctors. But it's an emotional scene.
I mean, this is Oscar worthy. And you're dying.
You're dying. Yeah, yeah.
And Peter is. He yeah and he has no lines I think in the script it says I A O A H A O O that's in the dialogue right but you have these gigantic chunks it's like and you know we'll take our three days we're gonna shoot this thing yeah because it's four pages of dialogue yeah it's four pages of dialogue I've seen their show before.
Let's act it out. There it is.
Man, I love her. Yes.
So what would you take? Well, she's going to be her. Yeah, you're playing yourself.
And basically what you're doing to us is you're dying. Dink is on your side.
Yeah, yeah. And he's writhing in pain.
Okay, how about this? Andreas, you play Dink? No, no, no. Oh, we're not doing it? No, Dink is on her body.
I know, but who does those lines? Dink, no no Oh we're not doing it No Dink is on her body I know but Who does those lines Dink you said goes Yeah Oh Pete let Pete do that Oh Pete yeah Pete's more Dink Pete's more Dinky Yeah yeah yeah And by the way the cancer that's killing you Yeah yeah Is from Dink So you receive this cancer from him He got it because he couldn't stop smoking Yeah So you got cancer from him Because he's still connected to your body And And we're all of your doctors. I'm an oncologist.
Yeah. Who am I playing though? You're a podiatrist.
Yeah, but what actor am I playing? There's like eight actors. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, you're famous and rich and you're dying and you want to give us your last dying words. Are you playing Daniel D.
Lewis? Am I? Yeah, yeah. I'll be Meryl Streep.
You should.

With an English accent, though.

Fine.

All right.

You're in the hospital bed.

Okay.

Are we at a hospice or at a hospital?

We're at her castle.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're at her home.

We came to her home.

We came.

And we're the best doctors from all over the world.

But I'm playing myself.

All over the world.

You're playing yourself.

No, you know what?

You're playing yourself, right?

A mega famous.

Yeah, but we're going to give you a different name.

Okay.

Yeah.

Juicy.

Juicy.

Juicy.

Juicy.

Yeah.

Juicy Jason.

Juicy Jason.

You're Juicy Jason.

Juicy Jason.

Okay.

So we walk in.

So doctor.

Yes.

Yes, doctor.

Yes. I can't believe we're here

Treating Juicy Jason

Just relax guys

I'm just a normal person

Juicy we've come here

Because we want your final words

On what you'd like to do with your body

After it passes on

Because of course the cancer has gotten worse

Because of him

Yes

This is the first time I'm going to be able to do this. with your body after it passes on.
Because, of course, the cancer has gotten worse. Because of him.
Yes. You have, he's a cancer.
I know that he's your brother. What's his name? Steve.
Steve? Steve. So your parents named you Juicy.
Juicy and Steve. And Steve.

Medically, we've got one thing we can do.

Yeah.

We can remove the cancer, your brother.

Let's do that.

Oh, and scene.

Yeah.

We shave off the... He's like, yeah, save me.

Yeah.

And then you're back to being you again. Yeah.
would take the role yeah over the over the chapelle slot yeah i feel like i love stand-up but i it's it's making me the funniest i could be and then if i take that into comedic acting yeah smart smart woman smart woman that is very smart bad decision though well why i disagree yeah i'll because my argument's see where your agents and then we're going to give you the the pros well i'm an agent you're a manager there's no doubt about that oh yeah i produce things as well you sure but you're like a leech do you know what i mean like i actually get stuff oh god and i'm connected you're gonna be trying to get me angry that's fine i'm the manager right yeah and i'm the agent hey well i'm of course hey kid you know i'm not present yeah i'm i'm definitely on vacation because that's agents that's all they fucking do yeah yeah but i flew you in okay so listen your agent your manager are here hey hey kiddo um so you know you know you have a dilemma right you have two opportunities here right so um in him we're in an impasse so my argument is this like chappelle right you know he's thinking about bringing you on tour right so he wants to just see you perform in front of 70,000 people and um 270,000 270,000 my bad um but anyway and um small city it's a smallknife. Yellow Springs.
And you know what- Oh, just doing me. That's true.
That's true. Anyway, I just think that Netflix and HBO and all these people are going to come out and, you know, this acting role that you have, right? It's a shot in the dark, kid, because it's like, who knows if it's going to- It's a weird part.
Sure. Yeah, I read the script.
You read the script, right? I i mean peter dinklage is gonna be a siamese twin coming out of your body it just seems a little odd you know and it's like the whole movie is about that the whole scene the whole movie is in that hospital where you're just doing a monologue it's also tough because it's rated q it's really good i don't know if you know this but it's there's a weird there It's rated Q. I don't know if you know this, but there is a weird...

There is a weird...

Right. And I don't know if you know this,

if you read the stage director stuff, but you're

completely naked. No, I did not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're completely naked.

And you've got jumper cables attached to your tits.

Yeah, yeah. And they're going to turn it on

every once in a while. Just to wake you up a little bit.

Yeah, just to wake you up. Do I have

two nipples or one because I'm conjoined in this?

Well, they're having those discussions

with the studio, right?

That's part of the discussion.

He could pee Peter Dinklage's other nipple, right?

That could change things.

That could change things a lot, right?

And he could also, he's known for this.

Peter Dinklage, I know he has no lines.

It's a lot of groaning, right?

Sure.

But he might do some improv and might take over the scene. I was afraid of that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew you would be.
So anyway, I just think that you should do the show. Go ahead.
The Dave Chappelle show is going to pay you nothing, and this movie is going to give you 500 grand. That's my pitch.
I've thought it over.

Yeah.

Yes, yes.

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That's 25% off, up to a $10 value, zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the DoorDash app in the app store and enter the code badfriends2022 don't forget that's badfriends2022 for 24% off your first order with DoorDash subject to change terms apply are we live we are live you know what the thing the thing is is this the thing is is this the thing is this I've always wanted to do a live right and I thought live stream and in my in in my heart i'm like who's the best person to do it with andrew santino and just had the you know live stream bad friends live stream it's gonna be great dude so tuesday june 28th at 6 p.m pst that's pacific standard times get your tickets right now momenthouse.com momenthouse.com slash bad friends these shirts are also available only for the time we're doing the live show. Yeah.
It's the Bad Friends family live. It's the live stream you can watch from anywhere you are if you've got access to the interwebs.
Tuesday, June 28th, 6 p.m. Get your tickets.
We've got a bunch of surprises. We might be bringing in some people that we can't talk about.
Yeah, we can't talk about it. We might be doing something to both of our bodies.
Yeah. We might kill Doc live on the live stream.
Yeah. If not kill, do something.
Hurt. We might hurt.
He's gonna die. He is gonna die.
He's gonna die. By the end he'll be dead.
He's gonna wanna die if he doesn't die. So get your tickets right now at momenthouse.com slash badfriends June 28th.
I was also a production assistant for so long. You're a set PA or office PA? Both.
For what show? All sorts of shows, but late, late show. I worked on their field team, all the sketches and carpool karaoke and stuff.
I worked on MasterChef. Damn.
I worked on Funny or Die stuff and movies. My first job was in the wardrobe department on Transformers 5.
They made five of those fucking things? That's what I said when I got the job The 5th one's the best Wait seriously they made 5? I thought they were on 3 How many did you see? I saw 1 You know how many I saw The first one's good I would imagine the first one would be the one that's good With Shia LaBeouf Oh right and Megan Fox That one I heard was good But no I didn fuck would I do? Why would I see that shit? Transformers. Robots in disguise.
I thought it was more than meets the eye. Well, it was robots in disguise more than meets the eyes.
Wait, wait. So it goes, Transformers.
Robots in disguise. And then more than meets the eye.
Yeah, sure. Something like that.
Call us, Universal, if you want us to write the soundtrack for the sixth and seventh one. Yeah.
So you worked on all those other things. So what's the point? So you would take the movie instead? I love being on set, but I hate being a production assistant.
Well, right. It sucks.
And then to be a talent would be awesome. So funny.
On a big set. I'm nicer to those people than I am to the talent I work with.
Oh, I can't wait to treat them like shit. Let me ask you this.
This is just something I did want. Because talent is fucking bullshit.
But the people that are doing all the work, I always like a little bit more because I know they have to do shit. Yeah.
But the talent can fuck off. I did a show called Big Time Rush.
Okay. And it's a Nickelodeon show or something like that, right? It's huge on Nickelodeon.
No, I'm not being facetious. This show was massive.
So I did one episode. Steven Glickman was on it.
Yeah, so Steven Glickman got me on the show, right? The show was huge. So I want you to see, Jess, I want you to see.
Which one is Bobby? Which one do you think Bobby is? I'm not a regular. I just did one fucking episode.
Which one do you think? See if Bobby Lee and Big Time Big Time Rush see if you can find that Bobby's the one in the middle that's exactly right yes there you are Bob is that you wearing a hat on Big Time Rush yeah that was me oh my goodness right and I play like some kid I don't know some 38 year old kid 40 year old kid right I remember my lines were yo yo yo what's up yo whatever whatever it was so anyway that morning when i showed up right i had a somebody let's say you had this job right so i show up and somebody said are you an extra and i was such in a bad mood i go yeah why would you do that so i go yeah right so they brought me to the extra holding area. And I sat there for an hour and a half.
Meanwhile, I'm getting calls, but I'm not picking them up. Whoa.
Like, where are you? Such a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit, right? And so then eventually I pick up and I go, well, you know, I was told, I was being there for two hours and I was told to go to this thing by this lady.
Oh my God. And they're like, what? And then they yell at the lady.
Would you be mad at me if that happened if i knew you or if i didn't know like you just said are you an extra and i said yes but i knew you i was a serious not a serious but a principal or somebody you were a fucking guest star guest star they don't know the guest stars they should fuck you really so if you were in a fucking show right and they go are you an extra what would you say i'd say no i'm not background i'm i'm a guest star on the show today what's your name andrew santino oh your trailer's right here oh i fucked up yeah i really i'm an asshole because those people are wrangling thousands of people they don't fucking know who you are right but here's the thing i was my career was so bad back then. Yeah.
You need. I'm right.
You wanted. I needed.
I needed it. Right.
I needed it. But you got what you deserved.
Yeah. I'm an extra.
And she's like, great. You look like one right this way to the holding.
Yeah. Right.
So you'd be mad at me. I would be pissed off probably because I was probably like if you were there for hours that that person was probably there for five or six hours.
Or longer. Think about that.
Probably didn't get lunch. Oh, yeah.
And if their producers were yelling at them, then they probably don't give a shit about them either. God, I love Jessie on this show.
You got a permanent seat on this show whenever you want it. Already? I'm the one that brought her in.
I'm the one that said I wanted her on the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You go, I think we should have her on the show. I said, that's a great idea.
She's fucking great. Smart and funny and she gives it to you.
Doc's been a little hostile to me lately. I'm going to get him back maybe in a couple days.
Here's the problem with the Doc thing. With you and him.
You guys, me and you have known each other for a long time. You guys have known each other in a very different way for a long time.
Like romantically? Yes, it was years ago not romantically alright you're on your last leg kid okay sorry no but they have had a relationship because Doc worked at the store for so long and Bobby that's a strange long long term friendship relationship also I used to kind of bully him a little bit when he used to open for me a little bit I would tell him to do stuff like hey if you don't say yabba dabba doo 10 times. Oh, come on, man.
Bobby, come on, man. Yabba dabba doo.
You're never going to do my show again, right? And I go, you can't justify it and tell the audience that Bobby told me to say it. So you just, in the middle of the set, you just go, yabba dabba doo.
And bomb. And bomb.
And then go back. Such an asshole.
Such a fucking asshole. Is that me? I'm a bully, right? Am I a bad guy? You are.
I'm going to change. I want to change.
Nah, no, you won't. Let me change.
Let me change. Okay, I want you to.
I want to change. I want to be able to change.
Yeah, yeah. How long have you been to the store now? Since September.
Well, officially working there. Right.
But I've been going around there. Are you moving up a little bit in the ranks? What do you mean? Are you getting better spots?

Yes and no.

Are you going to showcase?

I'm in, we're all in development.

So they'll throw us in like the weekend stuff.

But I mean, is she watching you and stuff like that?

Yeah, she's watching.

Good.

But the reason why.

You know, they used to not watch.

You know this, right?

Back in the day, they never watched.

And they would say they'd watch and they never did.

And then you'd have to get a fucking prime showcase spot for anyone to fucking come see you it's a brutal situation it was such a fucking nightmare it's a nightmare nobody watched and they were like yeah we saw you they never saw anybody but what got my eye attention to you was I was I was on a on you not YouTube I was like watch on TikTok or something and I came across some of your stand up And I go yeah this is the girl that She works at the store as a door person Can we just say employee of the month I am employee of the month And I literally legitimately laughed We have a gift for you Give her that gun Thank you I legitimately i legitimately laughed at her at the clip i go wow that's a funny joe yeah she's funny delivery delivered well and i go and then i just started kind of you know going was like i think she's the future i liked your i liked your energy when i saw you at the store but let's do this this is how because it's weird when people come and go at the store it's hard to get to know the employees because a lot of them just like come and go and they're in their own world. And so we're doing our own thing.
What's your impressions of us before you met or when you met us? And this would be honest. You can be honest.
Be completely honest. Well, I met your brother first.
My brother, Steve. How did you meet his brother? Through his, through Jeremiah.
Oh, right on. And, and I think cause Jeremiah and I go back with Kill Tony Bandit tony band and right right right and then steve i did his podcast yeah and then i remember you and steve pulled up into the lot and i was working the back door and you guys got out of the car and everybody was like oh my god bobby's here and i was like hey steve that's awesome and out of all the people waving to you you only looked at at me.
I think you were like, wait, what? I love this. But then I got to know you and you were one of the first paid regulars to talk to me and to riff with me and it made me feel really special.
And Santino is a little bit more unapproachable. And that's exactly what I wanted to get to.
And that's exactly the truthisms of it. I'm just really in my own.
I just come and do my own thing. No, I'm not.
You're a little intimidating. Why? It's your stature.
It's the way you. But I've never been mean to you.
Never been mean. No, but you know what? I know what it is.

Because I do know a lot of employees that work there,

but I know the ones that have worked there for a while.

It takes me a while to start to get to know people.

You can't let everyone in.

No, no, no. No, for me, it's more like...

I know people have said this before.

They're like, oh, I don't know how to talk to me.

But then when they talk to me, they're like, oh,

I just kind of come to the club, do my thing,

and I kind of fuck off. But I'm always polite polite and nice and i say thank you and hi and bye but it's tough for me to like do a thing with people anymore because there's so much brain energy that goes into that place sometimes for me that i don't want to i just don't want to i just want to go home like yeah like like i'm not Sebastian.
Yeah, he goes in and out. He doesn't even look people in the eye.
Yeah.

And I don't want to i just want to go home like yeah like like i'm not sebastian sebastian yeah he's he goes in and out he doesn't even look people in the eye yeah he barely looks at me he doesn't look at me and i'm his i've been known i've known for 20 years but what i'm saying is is because his brain energy so focused he wants to do his job and get out thinking about it so yeah but he never liked fans he even as a young open mic he's he's not he's just not that way he's not it's social in that well i like fans i just think it's hard with employees because it's no he likes his fans that's not what i'm saying i'm just saying he doesn't interact with people even back in the day well but i interact with as many people as i can especially because i know so many of those people that have been in a lot for a long time but you were new but i always like seeing you because you have such a nice smile and you're so like warm even when I know the day was probably shit you're such like you have like a warm attitude that makes it so that you're gonna get out of there fast there's no way you're gonna stick around and now Pauly's using you right on the road right yeah that's exciting too I went to his house with Sandy Danso in Vegas and we did a couple shows there and Bobby's picture is on his wall like at least three times on where in P In Pauly's house. Your picture is hanging up.
That's insane. He has a lot of pictures of it.
Pauly and I are so close. Yeah, but I would never have any pictures of you at my house.
You don't have a photo. I have photos of you in my house.
I really do. Not ones that I approve.
I know, but still I have photos of you. Actually, that's not true at all.
I have a framed photo of you and I. That's I'm saying I have that as well I do have that now that I think about it I do I don't have it I know you don't You have no control over what goes up in your home I have a framed photo of you and I at the 4th of July at your house Of us sitting on the bench Because the photo is so sweet So you're going to do dates with Polly Oh thanks for rolling right over that you really opened up to you there yeah yeah now this is how this is our relationship for the rest of time yeah but paulie so you paulie and sandy we did vegas dates now um frank castillo and i are going to uh north carolina um july 7th through the 17th you frank are opening for paulie at goodnights i I'm featuring this was my first time featuring and yeah, I'm excited.
Let's go, baby. Is Frank hosting? He's opening and then we're just going to bring each other up.
They don't call it that anymore. What? What do they bring it? Hosting is not like a thing.
They call it opening now. So they never call it hosting? Well, I say opening because he's not going to go back on stage between me and Pauly.
Ah, when they go back on stage, it's hosting. Yeah.
Do you prefer a host or you like tag team? Well, lately, I mean, it's strange because lately I've been doing theaters and it's just me and my buddy O'Connor. Yeah.
And I god-mike him, bring him on. So I try to get him hyped up.
So he cold opens the show, so to speak. Wow, that's hard.
Yeah, but I mean, it's all fans like they and a lot of them know him. Yeah.
Because he fucking rips. So he does

a bunch of times so it's like he has to warm him up

at the beginning a little bit but he does 25 minutes.

Yeah. So by that time I mean they fall in love with him.

But it's just him and then he shotguns me.

In Jersey Colum

Terrell came and

opened and then

passed it to Chris and Chris to me. So I haven't had a host

since I did when I do clubs and even at sometimes, I'd rather just have my feature. When I do clubs, I make them host.
I don't really. The local person, I always make it.
Yeah, but even still, I like shotgunning. I don't want to bring someone back on to bring me back on.
Just make them like we do at the club. Work.
I want them to work. For the $70 they get paid? Yeah.
Fuck you. Do the hosts do you pay out the host what a local host you can do that you've done that yes oh yeah oh can i tell something uh when i was working a lot one day bobby came out in his new car and he pulled out thought it was awesome.
That's awful. So what did I say? Do you like money? I thought it was cool.
Yeah, yeah. So I said, did I give you any? And I said, yes.
And then you gave me $100. Yeah, that's nice.
Well, that part's nice, but it doesn't make up for the fact that you're a penis at the top. I thought it was funny.
But the penis at the top is what makes it fun. How much money do you have in your pocket right now? None.
Take it out. Literally none.
No cash? No. Give me your wallet.
have no cash are you robbing no cash no cash at all no i have i have these changes give her your credit card for the day for one day no i'm not giving her my credit no fuck that let her have a credit card for a day later we'll do it later what would she do i need new i need them because you haven't seen my situation you have multiple credit cards give for the day. Yeah, one that doesn't work.
No, come on. Give her a real one.
I'll give you the one that works. And then you can buy anything you want for 24 hours.
Here you go. Take that one.
I just opened a credit card. I've never had a credit line before.
What is Elan? Where is this even from? Yeah. What is this? Is this an EBT card? So i gave you 100 so i go expired what yeah so i said i go um that's okay i go you like money i pull out a water cut do you like money yucky yeah and then you go i do i give you 100 and then what did i say after that and then you said And if you Okay you really want me to say what you said and if

you really want me to say what you said

yes

you said

and if you get a debt in my car

I get that back

it's a deal

it's called a deal

it's a verbal contract

why would you say that

I don't know why

it's regrettable

but I'm being honest

Let's consistent. He's always $5.
It's always $5. Oh, I see.
I do it once a year. year Yeah I get the $100 once a year I do a yearly plan I do it intermittently But I never park I park on the ramp I parked your car one time But it was your wife's car That sounds right Yeah yeah yeah The Jeep Yeah you were like You can park this one I was like you can park this Because it was already fucked up Because it used to have a big gash In the side of it Oh so you don't let them Even get even get in your car and drive.
They all know that. They'll tell you.
Yeah. None of them parked my car.
Wow. I should do that too, huh? None of you guys have parked.
Even way before you were there, nobody even parked any of my cars. Wow.
Even when I had like, you know. A shitty car.
Well, yeah. I mean, I just, no one ever parked my car because I just was like, if an accident happened in that bullshit small lot.
Yeah. Here was my logic.
They're comics. We're not fucking professional fucking professional drivers yeah that's true why the fuck am i giving them my my car in a lot that's as big as this room yeah why the fuck am i doing that it's it's i've had that job the pressure on you guys is so stupid for you guys to park our fucking cars and maneuver if you hit my if my car gets hit yeah by you guys are another comic even fucks up on accident because how many people leave their fucking drunk yeah right if that happens they'll pay for it the store will take care of it but i have to physically do this shit yeah i gotta go to the fucking guy to get it fixed yeah i have to get a loner yeah so it's not even the money it's like i don't want the headache so i park on the ramp and then adam used to be like oh we don't I don't know if we have all those spots.
And I was like, you guys need to make it happen. And now we have all those spots.
Yeah. Yesterday we didn't because the hotel had an event and the lot's half under construction right now.
That's terrible. Yeah.
What are they doing? When you said you got dropped off, I was like, oh, thank God. We only have like seven spots.
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So I went to a restaurant last night with Kalilah. Where'd you it's called monski sorry m-a-n-t's i have the guy's card it was the best restaurant i've ever been to monski yeah m-a-n-t it's right here los angeles m-a-n-z-k-e m-a-n-z-k-e everything they came out with was like oh i'm in heaven my mouth is in heaven where is it it's right on pico pico and what um right by fox oh yeah my favorite place over there is called marty's hot dog stand okay yeah but this place dude is like um i don't know if it's michelin or whatever but it was pretty pricey but.
But it's the same people that could do Republic. This isn't Michelin.

This is Dunlop.

This is Dunlop.

No, you go there.

Because I was suggesting something.

I'm kidding.

Oh.

I just named another tire.

Jesus Christ.

The outside looks like an old French manor.

Yeah, it really is one of the best wrestlers I've been to LA.

When you go to the bathroom, they walk you to the bathroom.

That's absurd. I like it.
And they go. Why? In case you get lost? I know how to shit.
I've done it before. He stands there.
He's watching you. There's no doors on the stalls.
Yeah. Toilet paper.
Yeah. But there was a big laugh I got.
So, you know, they pull your chair. And I've never, I don't know why, I've never had that happen before.
So Kaleida laughed because I didn't know how to do it, right? So he pulls the chair and went like this, right? Cause I felt like I needed the fucking, you know what I mean? I feel the chair underneath my bottom to sit down. So I stood there like five seconds and he goes to this.
The guy goes, so this is how we're gonna do it? That's what he said. And I sat sat down and everyone was laughing, but it was embarrassing.
That's what you get. Yeah, yeah.
Well, you don't want to start dinner with a trust exercise. That's exactly right.
Just trust. A trust fall.
Just trust. It was a trust.
Yeah, exactly. Go to Marty's Hot Dogs on Pico.
Let me show you a real high quality restaurant on Pico. Is it good, really? Oh, you weren't kidding.
I'm not. Not even remotely.
Pico Los Angeles. Watch this.

So when I was a PA,

there you go.

That's Marty's baby boy.

When I was a PA

and I first moved here,

I literally had maybe

$5 a day to spend on food.

I had my budget

because I could eat breakfast

at the fucking studio

and then I had to get lunch

and then I could steal dinner

and take it home.

And I used to go to Marty's

and they've got the original.

See, it says home of the combo. You know what the combo is? I'm not kidding.
What is it? It's a filleted hot dog on top of a cheeseburger. It's fucking amazing.
Look it, there's the combo right there. Wait, wait.
So it's a filleted hot dog inside a cheeseburger. That's the combo, right? You're looking at it right there.
I'm sorry? We got to figure out a way to jazz this ham. Where's Marty from? What? I don't know.
I'm just saying, put the hot dog in there. Bobby has a total of one accent he can do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's ambiguous.
It's ambiguous. That's why.
No, no, no. It's French.
It's Mexican. It's all kinds of my accents.
Tell me the last time you've seen this before. Yeah, but my point is- Stop, stop, stop.
Have you ever seen this before? No. No.
So that's my point that Marty's figured out.

Because Marty, I'm assuming, was a big boy.

And he had a hot dog in one hand and a burger in the other.

And his mouth was full and he had food all over his body.

And he was like, why can't I just put these together?

And someone was like, do it, Marty, do it.

And he was like, you hear me?

Yeah.

And he did it.

And you know what this is to me?

This is when you get the McDonald's breakfast and you put the hash brown in the sandwich which everybody does right oh no what i never thought of that what wait wait that's what it is i've been taking a bite of the sandwich and then a bite of the hash brown take a walk take a walk that's insane yeah no you put the fucking put the hash brown in the sandwich and you put it right that should come that way. McDonald's, wisen the fuck up.

I also like when they put the egg in there.

You like a fried egg in a hamburger?

Oh, absolutely.

Have you had that?

Yeah, that's good.

So good.

Okay, let's create our own hamburger then.

Okay, what is it going to be called?

The Bad Friends Burger?

The Bad Friends Burger.

But we might have to do some arguments.

But let's try to make a great hamburger,

but that's original.

Okay, we got to give some credit though.

It's called the BFB, Bad Friends Burger, featuring Juicy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Juicy Burger. The Juicy Burger.
The Juicy Burger. The Bad Friends Juicy Burger.
Yeah, the Bad Friends Juicy Burger. Spelled like Juicy Smollett.
Okay, so let's start with the bun, right? The bun has to be brioche. Wait, what if it's not bread? Fuck, Jesse.
Fuck! Fuck, man. She's off to a hot start.
She's off to a hot start she's off to a hot start what is it because jules would have said put a knife in it yeah you know what i mean and like what what if it's what if it's two sides of knives yeah okay so what's the bun then if it's not bread what is the bun because donuts have been done donut burgers we've seen before yeah true yeah what is the bread what could the bread be look been done. Yeah.
Pretzel bread. By the way, pretzel buns are fucking amazing.
Greatest, right. My God.
Yeah. I mean, bagel burgers have been done before.
How about this? A thick pita. No.
I've got it. I've got one.
All right. I've got one.
Thick cut bacon. Yeah, it should be meat.
It should be meat. Meat bread two huge slices it just seems thick already we're starting off yeah thick cut bacon is big like that it can it can handle all that weight yeah so two pieces of thick cut bacon can we do this can we do this yeah one side bacon one side something else no no we do the bacon bun right but you know we mix it with like so it's a bacon hash brown or a bacon brown it's like a bacon brown right so you kind of there's bacon and there's but we make it into a timeout no i'm so yes you cut up you cut up the potatoes and onions yeah to make the hash browns yeah and you cut up little pieces of bacon in there in there fry them together find them together make a bun form into the form them into.
All right. So it's bacon hash brown.
It feels like it's going to fall apart though. No, no.
Not if you, you got to crisp the fuck out of the hash brown. You crisp it the fuck out of it.
We can also add a binding agent if we want to. Yeah, yeah.
We can add some flour. Come.
Come. I was going to go with flour, but cum might work.
Forget it. No, no, no.
It might. I'm not a chef.
No, but if we do this, what if we do a little bit of egg, a little bit of egg flour, egg flour, potatoes for the hash browns, onions to go in there, and then... And just a little bit of cum.
Yeah, not my cum. Whose? Mine's very like liquidy.
Viscous. Yeah, viscous.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I don't know if, can I be honest and say we don't need cum in this one alright fine you're right alright fine

of all the times

on this show

that we do need

cum in the thing

yeah yeah yeah

so no cum

because by the way

I need a fan at home

we want a Bad Friends fan

to make this

and send us photos

right no cum

it's gonna be

cum in it now

this is the problem

alright

when you give them

no when you say

no cum

then they're gonna

put cum in

alright alright

so put cum in

I don't know

what you want

that's a lose-lose

I don't know

what you want

alright so

god damn

so we make the thing

right so now cum in. I don't know what you want.
That's a lose-lose. I don't know what you want.
All right. So we make the thing, right? So now the meat.
Look at what Pete wrote, by the way. Bun.
Thick cut bacon and hash brown. Hash brown as the bread.
Bacon brown. Hash brown.
No cum. Bold letters.
You need to put it. Yeah.
Yeah. They'll know.
This is the recipe. This is going to go up on Twitter.
Right, so now the meat. Now here's the thing with me with meat, right? I don't like big chunk.
I don't like a chunky. Do you like that? I like when the patty's thinner.
Yeah, no, thinner patties is probably better for me. So we can add more stuff to it.
Correct. Right, so we do, how about this? We do a really thin patty.
Yeah, but what kind of meat? Like paper thin? No, like a slice of cheese. I like paper thin patties.
Paper thin patty. Oh, like those smash burgers.
Have you guys had those? I like smash burgers. Yeah, but even thinner.
I think even thinner. No, because we're going to do different layers of it.
Like rice paper thin. Rice paper thin patty, right? And then we put a rice paper thin piece of what kind of cheese? Tulumuk? Tulumuk.
Tulumuk is a brand, but yeah, we can just do that. Okay, I'm sorry.
My bad. Jack cheese, what kind of cheese? Well, I think we should have all sorts.
Do you love cheese? Yeah, I love cheese. Like a soft cheese.
Soft cheese. Like a soft cheese.
Like a brie. A feta? A feta.
Feta is whatever. Yeah, my bad.
Yeah. We can either do brie, cheddar, jack, pepper jack, Colby jack.
We could do mozzarella. Can you put all those cheeses in one cheese? You could do that.
Holy fuck, all those cheeses in one cheese? Yeah, yeah. So make it the- So Colby, write them all down.
So all of the cheddars. All the cheddars.
All the cheddars. Oh, yeah, in one cheese.
Fresh mozzarella, not hardened mozzarella. Fresh where it's like lumpy off the wet.
How do you put that into the cheese? What do you mean? Melt it down. Yeah.
You melt it down. Just like brie.
Oh, you're going to melt it down. You mix it with the brie.
Brie. So put all the cheeses into one cheese.
And by the way, we didn't even name what kind of meat this is. What kind of meat is it? Yeah, let's go crazy.
Well, I mean, I would say it's got to be fucking, it's got to be something unique. It can't be just beef.
Beef is bull. We've had beef.
I don't like deer Okay so no deer Yeah no deer I don't like buffalo I don't like anything gamey What about raccoon Is it good I don't think Is it Yeah Squirrel Squirrel Squirrel But it's gotta be a mixed mincemeat It's gotta be mixed How about this We call this an insurrectionist patty Right This is what I assume People that invade january 6th so this is called the january 6th burger yeah so we're doing an insurrectionist patty right so we put squirrel meat raccoon meat anything that they hunt you know i mean like you know critters squirrel coons go for rats go first yeah prairie dogs prairie dogs yeah all that. Any little mound vermin.
Vermin.

Vermin.

But you have to make a paper thin.

Paper thin.

Paper thin.

Paper thin.

It's a process.

Wait, that's one of the patties.

Then the other one is A5 waigu.

Yeah, yeah.

We go all, from Japan.

From Japan.

Gotta be Japanese waigu.

Japanese waigu from Japan.

Real Kobe beef.

Make that a little thicker.

A little bit thicker. A little thicker.
Yeah. To drown out the gopher meat.
We need something that's going to kick over the fucking gopher meat. You know what I mean? Oh, beaver.
Beaver. Got to put beaver in there.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Got to have beaver meat in the original.
In the original. Got to be beaver meat.
That's the original meat. Everybody likes a little bit of beaver.
Right. All right.
So, you know, everyone does avocado. Boo.
Boo. It's too simple.
Oh, but the egg I like, right? But instead of chicken egg, just hear me out, ostrich egg. Love.
It's huge. They're huge.
Yeah. Huge.
Okay, good. But how are you serving it? Scrambled, fried, over easy, over medium? What is it when they do it in the water? What's that called? When you poach it?

Yeah.

We poach it.

A poached egg?

We poach it.

Well, because we've poached it from the ostrich.

We've stolen it, and we're going to poach it again.

Yeah, and we age it.

Oh, but to make it taste...

We've got to age it.

I don't know if you can age egg.

Yeah, just leave it there.

It just gets older if you don't do anything with it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What?

Well, I was going to say to make it taste extra good, we get the ostrich who laid the egg and make it watch us poach it. What does that do? That makes no fucking sense.
It fucks it up. It does something.
It does something. Wait, wait.
It fucks up the ostrich's mind? The mind's like, what are you guys doing? That's my baby. It changes the chemical composition to me because we are going to use that ostrich later.
Okay. It the patty It just seems like A lot to do Right I thought we were Dreaming baby I didn't know we were Dreaming baby Alright you're right Let's go all the way Let's go all the way Jesse that's good Juicy that's good Juicy that's good Juicy that's good So the ostrich So we have to have Some sort of barn Man this is going to Cost us a lot of money A lot of money man We have to have a barn alright alright so we'll have a little barn in the back of the restaurant a baby barn with a gigantic ostrich in there love they're huge okay good right alright so now we're do we want can you let me just say in terms of jobs right you that's your job what to tend the barn yeah tend the barn with the ostrich because that's your fucking idea hey but let it elevate you're.
You're, you're a barn employee. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll give you points on the restaurant.
I'm a barn person. And you have to park some of the ostriches when they come in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're going to want to check it out.
Other ostriches are going to be like, what's going on? Yeah. And they don't ride cars, they do the scooters.
Like a bird, like a bird. They ride a bird.
They ride bird scooters. They ride the bird scooters.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ostriches will exclusively ride the bird scooters.
So we have poached. Get barn.
You know what's so fucked up about this production crew that we have? They are the best. They will buy a barn for us.
We will next week have a barn. In here.
And we'll be like, why do we have that? Fancy's like, what, you put it in the thing? So poaching it is wrong or right? I think poaching is right. It's going to be hard to hold, but it'll taste good.
It'll taste really good. All right.
But is it a thick layer? Because the thing is, everything's so thin. I don't want the whole thing to come out in just one white egg and there's thin slices of other things.
Well, then let's just take a piece of the poaching. Let's not poach it.
Okay. So what do you want? You want fried? We fry it.
Okay. Thin.
Thin is the key. Okay.
All right. I'm being real okay thin thin is the key okay all right i'm being real thin is the key then fry yeah a real thin fry right so we have the cheese we have the thin layer of gopher meat oh and all the other road beaver and all that stuff right we have a thicker piece of piece of wagyu we have a thin piece of ostrich egg right and then now that we We need a vegetable.
Yeah, we need a vegetable. Do vegetable Do we though? You want some greenery? Yeah It'll help digest it Well nothing's going to help digest this You don't like it already? No I love it I'm just saying You're not going to shit for like a week and a half Your body is going to do something So what kind of vegetable though? Because we're not fucking with lettuce that's boring we're not doing khaki shit we could do fruit fruit could be cool but you gotta be careful what kind of fruit what kind of fruit we're talking like a passion fruit which are little pomegranate seeds that's something pomegranate seeds let me think about that i got it i got it i got it too by the way pomegranate can be garnish it can be garnish on top of the on the bun but I tell you what we're gonna do we fried into the ostrich egg what the pomegranate seeds yeah fucking money absolutely fucking money yeah so there's a little crunch delicious crunch because you watch hey you did you did not Iron Chef you did Master Chef yeah you know texture means everything you gotta have a myriad of textures yeah in a I got it, by the way.
Go ahead. I know what vegetable we're putting on there.
What is it? Artichoke. Yes.
Because you have it in your house. I do.
Yeah, yeah. But also, there's a little artichoke right there.
There's a little artichoke. And artichokes, by the way, are fucking bomb.
Fried artichoke is so good. I have a question.
They're so good. I have a question.
Yeah. And I know what you're going to ask, but go ahead.
What is it? I want to know. What is an artichoke no i know i know what an artichoke what is it so um artichoke is that it's it's you you eat the inside of the soft part i'll do it the leaves the leaves have meat in them and you do you peel it out but you don't chew the meat and then artichoke is gonna be taking all that stuff oh dude you can rip that right off and then get to the heart right away.
You can get to the artichoke. Oh, so we're only doing artichoke heart.
Yeah, we're not doing the leaves. Yeah, so we put the heart, how do we chop it up? I mean.
It's super soft. It's this small, the fucking heart.
I know, but you just fucking cut it up. And you just put it into the.
What do you mean? You just layer it on there. Like pickles.
Like pickles. Yeah, exactly.
And you know what? We're going to pickle it. We're pickling artichoke hearts.
How about this? Pickle the artichoke hearts. We make it into a paste.
Ooh. A spread.
A spread. Got it.
It's easier. It seems easier.
Like, imagine it's slammed. Our restaurant? Our restaurant.
Yeah. It's easier to scoop and spread.
I mean, this is a dynamic thing, so I get it. And we're like busy.
Get the, why is the ostrich in the kitchen? Imagine the chaos. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Juicy.
You know, yeah, yeah, yeah. We would be yelling juicy a lot.
She's outside. She's like, I'm parking the car.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck, we didn't do this right.
Yeah. All right.
So we spread it, right? We put another, obviously another of the hash brown buns over it. correct is that enough i don't know juice um i have another theory it just hear me what else is it missing i guess have you ever had a monte cristo sorry a monte cristo sandwich a monte cristo sandwich yeah what is that look it up do you know what it is yeah it's uh it like a, is it ham or pastrami? But just hear about how it's made.
Go ahead. So.
So, all right. So basically what it is, a Monte Cristo sandwich is, that's what it is.
It's a French toast, right? And all the stuff is in the inside. With ham.
Right. But it's not, there's no borders.
It's like one solid piece of sandwich. Oh, that's beautiful.
Right? So is there any way we can Monte Cristo it? I think there's a way. So basically when you get it, it's a block of hash brown, but when you bite into it, you see all the things inside it.
Just have to fry it. What? You have to fry it together.
Well, so we're going to deep fry this sandwich, this burger? Yes. Yeah.
All right. And then we put powdered sugar on it.
And a little bit of syrup. And a little bit of syrup.
Yeah. Just for a little sweet kick.
Yeah, yeah. I love this fucking thing.
Monte Cristo the fuck out of that sandwich, powdered sugar, and a little, bloop, like a little Bobby cum drop of syrup. But no cum, please.

No cum, no cum.

Yeah, yeah.

We'll get a little eyedropper.

Oh, yeah.

Eyedropper.

And it's just icing.

A little bit.

Yeah, it's just a little bit of ice.

And you let it settle.

Ice cream, yeah.

Can someone at home make this?

Yeah.

If someone can make this.

It was similar to it.

No, no, they can make this.

They can make this.

It seems hard.

There's no ingredients on here that they don't

have access to.

That's true.

Squirrels, coons,

prairie dogs,

vermin, beaver,

all available.

Imagine just that alone.

It's a process.

Yeah.

Come on, Billy.

How good of a fan are you?

What?

How good of a fan are you?

That's true.

Make the burger.

Yeah.

Come on, Billy.

Yeah.

Come on back here.

We got three of them

four things they named.

I got a prairie dog

and a hog war, but I don't know how to get the squirrel, I know how to get a squirrel come here Duke yeah get a dog out there yeah Duke go get me a squirrel let me ask you Juicy in terms of the reputation among cause you're you have access to what how people feel about so who has a better in terms just a general general reputation Andrew I? What does that even mean? I want to know. A reputation for what? As a comedian? As a comedian, as a nice guy, as a...
What a baited question. You're afraid? No, go ahead.
I don't give a fuck. Are you afraid of the answer? No, she already said it already that people think I'm fucking intimidating.
Intimidating because they want to talk to you. Well, can I, before I answer, tell you that when I first started talking to you, I was like, oh, this was awesome.
And then the next day, I had to tell you that you were bummed. Oh, yeah.
I remember that night because she's in the story. I was so like, I was like, why do I have to tell you? How did you do it? So I'm Andrew.
How did you do it? I was nice to you. You were really nice.
And I was fucking... I was like why do I have to tell you How did you do it so I'm Andrew How did you do it I was nice to you You were really nice And I was fucking You said Mr.
Santino What'd you call him No she said hey Andrew I said hey Andrew And I go You're gonna go on after the next comic And he goes what Because I talk really quiet Yeah she talks so quiet And then I told him again And then you said okay well I'm leaving You got up and left i did yeah and i said and i was very nice to her and i said i know this has nothing to do with you yeah but i was bummed and i went to one of the people in management and i said this is not okay because we talked about this on the show yeah i think i heard that the bumping stuff i just don't like i think it's yucky nasty poopoo fart just call in fart. Just call in for your spot.
I wasn't mean to you, but... No.

We all think you guys are both cool

because a lot of people come out to the shows for you guys, too.

Yeah.

So it's like, we know it's going to be a good show.

Well, that Bad Friends thing we did for Netflix was amazing.

That was amazing.

That was a fun night.

That was fucking dope.

Thank you for coming out, everybody.

Yeah, thank you guys for coming.

We have that live show.

Well, this is the live show you need to watch

at the comfort of your own home.

Yeah.

And these shirts, are they selling these shirts? Yeah. We are.
Only for that. Only for the that.
Only for the show? And then they're never going to show them again? Yeah. And maybe one day, Juicy could be on one of these shirts.
I think Juicy should be on the next show with us. Yeah.
I would love to do that. You should do the next show with us.
What, the next podcast? Well, that for sure. But I'm saying the next live thing that we do, she should do it.
Yeah, yeah. I want to see the chemistry between Juicy and Doc.

We'll talk about the lot.

Because Doc used to work the lot a lot, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you know Doc?

No, I've never met him.

You never met him?

Does he have his picture up somewhere in the locker room or something?

In the lot locker room?

In the lot locker room?

Like he's a legend?

I don't, you know, I think I like the opposite of what I am.

I'm so needy and such an open book. It's so gross.
Go back to words like needy. Do you think I'm needy? Oh, do you think I'm the neediest person you know? Dude, the funniest thing in the world is the way he even asked it.
Do you think I'm needy? Needy bitch. Bro, don't call me a needy bitch, dude.
All right? You're my little needy bitch. Oh the neediest friend i have yeah for sure but so let's explore that but you're also but you're also quite selfish as a needy person where if i need something from you i get almost nothing tell me i'm wrong you're right i'm wrong because i don't even understand the question what i'm saying what i'm saying is if i something, you're needy and I will give you everything.
But if I need something from you, sometimes you're not availed. Guys, honestly, because I want to change, right? So you think that I'm needy, like I call for things.
I don't feel like I call for like, I need this or pay attention to me or any of that stuff. You only call when you need something.
Oh, so Andrew calls like, how are you? And that's it? We do talk Oh fuck so I am needy So needy is I only interact if I need something Okay I've got a goal Because it's not going to change with me We're such old friends it doesn't matter With Juicy I want you once a week to call her just to check in You have to do it Why is that torture for you? Once a week to call Juicy So I call Juicy once a week to call her just to check in and say you have to do it come on why is that torture for you once a week to call juicy so i call juicy once a week and go how are you what's going on just just to be like hey what's going on what's going on what what what what are spots like in town all right so i'll call ding ding bobby how are you i'm i'm How are you? What's like spots around town?

That's okay.

That's fine.

Yeah, try it again.

Oh, I have to do it again?

Well, say it more closely.

All right, wait, because I'm memorizing the way you said it.

Right.

So let me just, let's start from the top.

Okay.

Vring vring.

Is that an Asian one?

All right.

You know what?

That's me.

Well, vring vring.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I said it to that, so I know it's Bobby.

Got it.

Yeah, okay.

That's her ring cut. That's her fucking, yeah.
I know. Bl it to that, so I know it's Bobby.
Got it. Yeah, okay.
That's her ring cut.

That's her fucking, yeah.

I know her.

Blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum.

Bobby?

Yeah, exactly.

No, yours is gong.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, so ring ring.

Got it.

Bobby?

Hey, Juicy.

Do you mind if I call you Juicy?

We just did that on the podcast.

Yeah, I think it's funny.

Yeah, it's a little nickname.

That's cool. How's it going? It's what's up do you need something no I don't need anything what I need you to do is to listen another need that seems needy right no what you would say there is no i just want to see how you are that's true go ahead no i just want to see how you are no emphasis on you not how i want to see how you are the way i talk well yeah yeah so i just want to see how you are there it is andrew are you on the phone too so how are you don't tell it don't tell her yeah So how are you? I'm good thanks for asking.
What's going on? I'm just watching TV and having a good day. What are you doing? Tell her what you're doing.
Well I'm driving down the street because I have to go somewhere. Good.
To get something to eat. get something to eat.
Hey, I was thinking. I was thinking about you.

No.

No.

I was thinking.

I was thinking maybe we could get lunch.

Fucking what?

I was thinking maybe we could get lunch.

I was thinking maybe you and I.

Get a coffee.

Get a coffee.

Okay. I've never done that with anybody.

Well, don't tell her.

All right.

It's a lot of pressure. Sorry, sorry, pressure sorry I have a friend in the car coffee? yeah coffee I was thinking you and I could get some coffee you like it? do you like it? do you like coffee? I'm good I don't know you well I actually am not drinking caffeine but I'll get a tea lunch then because I like food good pivot And I'm just.
I don't know you. Well, I actually am not drinking caffeine, but I'll get a tea.
Lunch then because I like food. Okay.
Yeah, I like food too. Right.
Good pivot. Yeah.
And I'm just going to be myself here. I'm paying.
Oh, yeah. I have to pay.
Dad, you didn't even say it. I always say it.
But you could just do it and not say it. Whenever I go to a restaurant with anybody, I say I'm paying.
You could just do it and not say it. You can just do it.
Yeah, because it becomes a thing. I don't like the awkward thing of like, because you know, when the bill comes, because they're poorer.

It's true. That sounds bad.

That sounds bad.

They don't have as much money, right?

Yeah.

When you go out with somebody that doesn't have as much money and you're going to an expensive place, let's suppose, right?

I always say I'm going to pay for it beforehand so they can feel relaxed during the meal.

That's fine.

Yeah.

So they can order whatever they want.

So tell her where you're going to go.

Yeah. So we're going to Matsuke.
Oh. Yeah, Matsuke.
Is that a dinner or a lunch spot? We can go have lunch there. But basically, they serve you.
There's no ordering. Yeah, sure.
Okay. Where do you live? And then I'll get your address.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
I'll pick Right now? Yeah right now Okay Yeah yeah This is great And then we hang up And then we have the And then I call I just want a fucking coffee with her Dude now I have to go take her to Motske I gotta call the fucking manager You know how much that costs? A lot Yeah But that's what you gotta do If you wanna stop being needy And start being open For other people's feelings And get to know what she's got going on, you got to take her to Matske. I'm going to start with Wiener Sonson first.
Marty's. Marty's first.
We'll get that fucking hot dog name. Marty's on Pico.
Right? And then we'll move our way up. Then you graduate to somewhere.
We'll graduate to somewhere. Okay, so I'm going to start doing that.
But this is what friendships are. That's what friendships are.
Yes, that's what they are. Exactly.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Would you feel weird about that? Because I've never done that with anybody. Yeah, I'd feel a little weird.
Because I also don't know the last time I've eaten at a restaurant that extravagant. Okay, that's it.
We're taking her to a nice restaurant now. Yeah.
No, no, no. This is enough of this.
It's enough of this. We are really going to take her to a nice restaurant.
Where do you want to go? What's the place that you really wanted to eat at? I don't even know. What's the best restaurant you've been to in LA? How long have you been in LA? So I've been to Tao.
That's probably the fanciest place I've ever been to. And where's that at? That's right by Dream Hollywood.
It's in Hollywood. Tao, it's brand new.
Well, relative in the US, pre-pandemic. How old are you, Juice? 32.
Okay. What's your favorite kind of food is the best way to start? Pizza.
Great. We'll take you to a pizza place.
Maybe Blackbird. Have you been there? Yeah.
On Melrose? Okay. Or do you like Italian food? I like ramen.
Okay. We want her to stretch her legs here.
Well, I just want her. No, no.
If we go to Bestia... We can go to Bestia.
That's a nice restaurant. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. Yeah.
Or Kato on Melrose. Very good.
Yeah, it's a steakhouse. Steak? Yeah.
Do you like steak? I like steak. Pauly cooked...
Okay, so Pauly cooked us steaks. Pauly cooked you steaks.
Pauly steaks? Wait, he cooked you steaks? I was vomited. Wait, he cooked us steaks? He cooked us steaks at his house.
He's like, these were two for one at Smart smart and final bro No they were so good They were good Yeah We're gonna take you to a real restaurant Yeah we'll go to a real restaurant We'll take you to a really nice one Yeah yeah yeah I'm so excited to do this This is exciting I like lots of food Yeah One more time for the last time We're doing this show live We have a bunch of surprises I wish we could even tip one of them But we cannot Yeah We're doing a bunch of fun stuff for Bad Friends Live. Tuesday, June 28th, 6 p.m.
Go to momenthouse.com slash badfriends. The link's in the description, of course.
It'll be up on the screen somewhere. Do yourself a favor.
Watch this. It's going to be so much fucking fun.
And then you can buy a shirt on the site, and they're only available for that time. For that time.
And then they'll go away. Again, Bad Friends Live stream live stream Tuesday June 28th at 6 p.m.
PST get your tickets right now momenthouse.com slash bad friends juice juice dog look into that what's your handle you have a handle though you want to pro oh yeah plug all that shit everything at jet ski Johnson sick comedy store Wednesday nights up next maybe you'll see Bobby yeah maybe maybe probably jet ski Johnson, all that shit. Everything.
And we'll put the description, I'll put all her shit in the description so people can go check her out. And my clip on Stand Up on the Spot is coming out soon with Jeremiah Watkins.
Fuck yeah. And you put him up on YouTube.
Don't say that his name? Huh? That much. Why? Don't you love him? No, we're gonna boop.
We're gonna say his name. We'll say Bobby's buddy.
Yeah, yeah. Bobby's brother's buddy.

Bobby's brother's buddy.

Juice Dogg, look in that camera right there and take us out with our final phrase.

Do you know what it is what we say every time when we say goodbye?

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Fuck yeah. Yeah.
Woo. Yeah.
Your fancy clothes? Yeah. So what are we doing this way? I forgot.
Why are we doing this? What do you mean? Why are we doing this? Because you've never had fancy food before. She's never had a nice dinner.
Yeah. You starving? I haven't eaten all day for this.
Oh my God. Well, now your stomach's shrunk, so now you're going to eat one thing welcome you're really it's no i was working i was working with you know we have the whole restaurant to ourselves because this opened five minutes ago here's the best thing though when you get a podcast you just have to find someone you fall in love with and that's what you should do it with this is what we do we build an audience we build an audience we build an audience That's a good like this is what we put every time you like that that looks beautiful right caviar and oysters man are we living a good life what are we doing welcome to the pop cheers welcome welcome to the family i'm not toasting i'm not toasting you well why can't welcome her to we welcome her to the family? She does one podcast.
She's in the family.

No, that's five. She's in the family.

It takes five. It takes five.

All right, so here, let me un-chears you.

Thank you. I love you guys.
Yeah. Woo.
Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah. Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.