Soy Boys, Cuck & High-T

Bonjour, we're in Camarillo.

We're in Camarillo at Eric Griffin's wedding.

Look at how gorgeous this is.

It's so beautiful.

Beautiful.

Yeah, this is the same fence they used in the show Oz.

This is the fence actually at the border.

This is the border fence.

Yeah, dude, Trump won.

Funnier joke.

Funnier joke.

Hey, come see us live on the internet.

Momenthouse.com slash badfriends.

What's the date we're doing the live show?

June 28th. June 28th, Bad Friends live.
Everyone's going to be there. Huge surprises.
Please come. Someone might get something done to them.
Momenthouse.com slash badfriends. June 28th.
Sign up now. Say goodbye, Bob.
Bye. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You are something we're bad friends first of all most importantly yeah rudy's in the philippines doc is not here andres is filling in which is great we have the real bean the real up top real mccoy the real mccoy the real taco stand what does mccoy mean huh when they say the real mccoy what does it mean they're talking about ste McCoy. Love him.
Yeah. Do you know Steve McCoy? Yeah.
One of the fastest shooters in the West. Shooters in the West.
I have no idea what it means. Jimmy the Kid.
Oh, Jimmy the Kid. Yeah, it was Jimmy the Kid and Tonti.
Bob the Builder, Jimmy the Kid. Yeah.
What is McCoy? It's from the Hatfields. Hatfields and McCoys.
I know who that is. Do you know the Hatfields and McCoys? A feuding family in the South? Have you heard of these people? Oh no They were racist Oh they were? Yeah they were fighting over My kind of people Who owned the most black people Is what they were fighting over Really? Yeah If I was a slave owner I would probably only Just if I was I would never do it Because it's not It goes against my ethics But here's the problem I'd have only three Three isn't That's my lucky And they would be all in-house.
But what color would they be? Asian. Right.
But not Korean. Japanese? No.
A couple of Chinese slaves. Yeah.
They work hard. The problem is with that word, people have a connotation that think it's automatically going to be about black people.
You want Asian slaves. And they're not going to do whatever they did.
I saw in the roots. Well, you're not going to beat your Asian slaves? No, I'm not going to do any of that.
You're not going to physically harm your Asian slaves? I'm going to taunt them. With what? With just threats, but I would never, you know, do the dishes or else you're going to be out there with Andrew slaves.
That's right. Yeah, because your your friendlies are out there yeah yeah yeah yeah you know who my slaves are what hot white guys really hot can i change no i want to change no you already picked you can't go back dude dude can i have all right no hot white girls no you can't that's just copying me hot asian girls fine i can have a girl slaves outside yeah they're the outside they live outside no i wear no bras oh boobs out but no t-shirts oh because you know what i love i want them to be working and doing the cotton and stuff do they do is this i don't know i don't know what they do but for me it would be rice yeah because i don't eat cotton yeah Yeah.
I don't need it. I don't need.
I don't.

No need for cotton.

Yeah.

Right.

But so rice.

But I like it when like when, you know, like in music videos, when when the shirt, they're

not wearing bras and the shirt gets wet.

All right.

And you see the boobs.

So they'll be doing the.

I don't know how you make rice with pans.

Sure you do.

Yeah.

Why not?

There's no doubt that you don't know.

Yeah.

So they pan with the rice, you know, the pan, the rice.

Right.

Yeah.

And they're just all good. They're juggies.
You know, they have the fuck, the fucking. little neb neb neb neb neb neb neb neb neb neb ne neb ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne are going to be harvesting soy, tofu, obviously, because that's what they eat.
And I make them harvest. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, cool. I I see what you're saying.
They're West Hollywood slaves. Yeah, exactly.
Oh, I didn't. Because when you said hot white guys, I didn't think gay, but I guess they are.
I didn't think gay. Oh, they're not? They can be whatever they want to be.
That's true. In our day and age, anyone can be whatever they want to be.
We let our slaves be whatever they want to be yeah yeah my asian slave the one women out

there if they want to rub their little tacos oh they can rub tacos to make a little fire little kimchi tacos outside they need a fire you're gonna make them fire well they have to rub the i don't know what however they make the fire but they're sleeping outside i know how i've organized my hot male white male slaves oh they they all sleep in one sleeping bag all of them oh cool

can I do that with mine?

no you can't keep copying me

I want to do that with mine

you know what

and I zip them in every single night. Oh! And I kiss them each- As I go to bed, yeah.
Peas in a pod. Peas in a pod.
Yeah, that's a really cool one. Yeah, my little soy boys, that's what I call them.
Soy boys! Soy boys. And I ring a bell, and you know what? I'm wearing nothing but a gun holster.
Yeah. Okay.
Oh, that's good. Yeah.
I'm just wearing a gun holster. There's no gun in it, though.
It's a squirt gun. Yeah.
Okay, can I have a squirt gun? And I spray them with the soy boys. Can I have a squirt gun? Yeah, you can have a squirt gun.
I'm going to tell you what my situation is, though. All right? So I'm going to have a bunk bed.
Uh-huh. And the girls can sleep inside.
They're going to sleep inside. Now I've figured out that they're going to sleep outside.

Okay.

But what I'm going to do is in the mattresses, I'm going to cut out holes for their bums.

Oh.

Right?

So I'm on the bottom bunk.

They're on the bunk.

And then the top bunk, right?

They can poop on you.

That's true.

But it doesn't matter.

That's worth it for the squirt guns.

Oh, I thought you wanted them to poop on you.

I thought that was the whole point of it.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Yeah, yeah.

But I'll play a little game that night to see if I can squirt in the butthole. The hole itself.
And the whole night. That'd be cool, right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, look at that.
Soy boy is what I call my boys. Soy boy is a perturbative term that's sometimes used in online communities to describe men lacking masculine.
Not my boys. My soy boys are flipping this terminology.
I'm going to have buff, hot, white soy boys. They wouldn't be soy boys then.
What do you mean? Read me the definition again i'm sorry go back i'm sorry go back it's a give me the definition read it out because i can't read it soy boy yeah read it is a pejorative term sometimes used in online communities to describe men lacking masculine characteristics the term bears many similarities and has been compared to the slang terms cuck and low t by the the way, that's those guys, cuck and low T.

Cuck and low T.

Why am I a cuck?

Who's cuck and who's low T?

No, no, Pete's cuck.

Oh.

You're low T.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Well, you're high T.

Yeah, you're actually high T.

Is low T low testosterone?

Correct.

Thank you.

If you have a high T,

that's when you start losing a lot of hair.

So that's why he's more manly than all of us in this room.

That's amazing. If you have high T, so low T, actually that's your rap names now a lot of hair.
So that's why he's more manly than all of us in this room. That's amazing.

If you have high T.

So low T.

Actually, that's your rap names now

is low T and cuck.

Low T and cuck.

And right over here is soy boy, for sure.

Soy boy, low T and cuck.

Can I tell you something?

Put it on a shirt!

Can I tell you something

that happened to me recently

that's a miracle?

Yeah.

So, you know,

when I was doing my relapse and the drinking, you know, the drugs I was doing. Remember I was there i was a part of you were part of it yeah right but i don't know if i told you this but when i was jerking off frequently i would jerk off uh-huh and nothing would come out the dust not even dust no it wasn't even dust no it's no it's not a can you imagine it's not a western oh oh

he's not like a minor you know he's whoa no it would go yeah and nothing would come out a bubble maybe yeah yeah and lately dude bro you've been shooting Bro, I could make a fucking...

I could make butter.

I could make...

No, I could make a fucking, I could make butter. I could make, I could make.
No, I could literally make churn some shit. Did you have retrograde ejaculation? That occurs when semen enters the bladder instead of emerging through the penis during orgasm.
You still reach sexual climax. You might ejaculate very little or no semen.
That's you. You had retrograde ejaculation.
I don't know if that was it. You know when like a hippie chick is like, Mercury's in retrograde.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had retrograde ejaculation i don't know if that was that you know when you know when like a hippie chick is like mercury's in retrograde you had retrograde ejaculation yeah my dick was in retrograde your dick was in retrograde yeah and now it's not now you're in now you're in full moon but it's like so much now what are you doing with it i don't know man i've been saving it i have been saving it i know you have yeah but then it dries quick, it's supposed to dry.
Yeah, it dries really quick. Let me ask you something.
When it dries quick, right, does the sperm, they're dead? No. Oh, so they're just, you know, they're like.
Freeze tag. Oh, they're doing improv.
Yeah. They're doing improv? And then when they get tagged into a scene.
Oh, they're doing improv. Yeah.
I thought it was more like, you know, prehistoric, like insects. Uh-huhoric insects.
Could I revive them later?

100%.

You can come back to life.

I just need the technology that Jurassic Park has.

15 to 30 minutes outside your body sperm can live.

15 to 30 minutes.

That's insane.

Have you ever heard these stories of like, look this up.

There was a chick that saved a condom from a guy

and then impregnated herself with it afterwards.

He threw it in the trash can.

He thought nothing of it.

She went and grabbed it,

impregnated herself in the fucking bathroom.

And it worked.

It was... and then impregnated herself with it afterwards.
Like he threw it in the trash can. He thought nothing of it.
She went and grabbed it, impregnated herself in the fucking bathroom. And it worked.
So basically, sperm- Woman who impregnated herself with stolen semen from billionaire wins child support ballot. Oh my God.
This woman's a fucking genius, by the way. So basically, sperm is like Princess Leia in that one Star Wars movie.
Go on. Remember she floated out into the gravity.

Right. And for like 30 minutes and came back.
That's right. That's what

sperm's like. That's exactly what sperm is.

Princess Leah is sperm.

And vice versa. By the way, that was what the whole

film was about. I didn't know.

That was the metaphor. You know he's like, you are

my father. Yeah.
That's where

you're my daddy started. That's where daddy

started as like a sex term. Yeah.
For Star Wars. That's, sperm in film frozen sperm in film welcome back to sperm in film yeah yeah sperm in film i've never seen um you've never seen a cum shot in a real movie have you have you i don't think i could no wait no is that against adam driver did it adam driver did in the tv show girls yeah like on season two he actually ejaculated yeah they show the ejaculate as well show me wow show yeah yeah well i want to see i know i know a movie there's something about mary mary but it was in the hair but staven admitted that was all fake it wasn't real real.
This is supposed to be real. Carlos, you're saying this is real.
It's not his real cum, of course. Boo! That's called porn.
Oh, no. Adam Driver's cum is it.
What about the movie that Shia LaBeouf did where they had to have real sex with other actors? Do you know what I'm talking about? No. There was this experimental filmmaker filmmaker.
Do you know what I'm talking about? And he... Yeah.
They did a couple of those movies called Dogma. And they had real sex.
In the 95, 96 where they have real sex. The idiots, like Lars von Trier movies.
Yeah. It's the same directors called Nymphomania.
Yes. Yes.
Yes. Lars.
Lars von Trier. Yes.
Oh, I love Lars von Trier. And they had real sex on camera.
Yeah. What was that Lars von Trier movie where it was, what was it called? Bjork was in it.
Dancing in the Dark. In the Dark.
Dancing in the Dark. Did you see that fucking movie? No.
Oh my God. Anything.
You got to watch that movie. Did you see that movie, guys? Dancing in the Dark? I didn't see it.
That movie made me cry so fucking hard. Anyway.
By the way, Bruce Springsteen comes up, obviously.

Look at Bjork.

What a cool specimen.

Dancer in the Dark.

Dancer in the Dark.

Yeah, that was a really good movie.

But that was a large von Trier, right?

Yeah.

Remember how mad people got at Bjork?

She's always somebody that was like, fuck the system.

I love that.

Do you remember when she attacked that woman at the airport?

I loved it.

That's my favorite attack. That's my favorite celebrity attack of all time.
She tried to rip her hair out. I thought that.
Do you remember when she attacked that woman at the airport? I loved it. That's my favorite attack.

That's my favorite celebrity attack of all time.

She tried to rip her hair out.

I thought that was awesome.

It was the best.

She went for the hair that's dope.

And they try to pretend like she was in the wrong.

It's like, dude, that woman had a camera in her face.

You should be allowed to physically assault paparazzi.

They're in your face.

I don't think it was paparazzi.

Oh, I thought it was.

Can we see that again?

That's one of my favorite celebrity attacks.

Bangkok, for the pop star to lose that Icelandic cool. Welcome to Bangkok.
Hell yeah. Fuck yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Fuck yeah. Stop.
Fuck yeah. Welcome to Bangkok.
Welcome to Bangkok. No, no, no.
Fuck yeah. Fuck no.
Dude, that's rock and roll. Fuck no, no, no.
That's fucking rock and roll. Fuck no, dude.
Welcome to Bangkok. Welcome to Bangkok does not, I thought it was like a stalker.
First of all, why is an English speaking woman welcoming to Bangkok? Give me a local welcome to Bangkok. Okay, how about this? What? I'm going to get off the plane, right? You tell me the welcome to Bangkok that should have occurred.
Okay. Let's do it the other way.
What do you mean? You do it. Yeah.
You say it. Say what? Welcome to Bangkok.
But in a that way or in a non-intrusive way? Authentic. Okay.
Okay. With my kids.
Where's the taxi? What's going on? Welcome to Bangkok. Oh, thank you.
See? Thank you. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. Some white lady is like, welcome to Bangkok.
I'll do that. I'm ripping her hair out.
There's my little taxi. Welcome to Bangkok.
Fucking Bangkok. Oh, I see, I see, I see.
I see now. I see now.
Immediately. i don't think it is oh that's her oh no it's julie kaufman i just have some bruises i have a tough head you know Okay, yeah, she's hot.
Yeah, it was Julie Kaufman. I just have some bruises.
I have a tough head, you know.

No, I'm nothing.

I'm okay.

She's hot.

I wouldn't have done that.

Maybe she attacked her because she was hot.

Welcome to big, you know what I would have done?

Go on.

What?

Go on.

High five.

Yeah, high five.

High five.

It looked like a white lady in the video.

It was not.

Yeah, it was Thai.

That's Thai.

Julie Kaufman.

Her last name's Kaufman. Oh, she's married to Jew.
She's Jewish. She's married a Jew.
She's Jewish. She's half Thai.
Speaking of wonderful Asian ladies that definitely have my approval. What? Can I show you a video of someone that I voted for you? Did you vote yesterday? Oh, yeah.
No, you didn't. Oh, yeah.
No, you fucking... Caruso, dude.
Rick Caruso won. You didn't vote for him.
I did. I voted for Rick Caruso.
You didn't fucking vote yesterday. I did, man.
Where? I went on Beachwood where my old – because my registration is still on the Beachwood. When you stumble, I know you're lying.
No, that's me. No, when I get accused of lying – And you lie? No.
When I get accused of lying, I start stumbling. Beachwood where? When I'm honest, when I'm lying, I'm very precise because I plan it.
At the elementary school? Yeah, at the elementary school across the street from my old... That wasn't a polling place because I looked.
It 100% is. I was just there, dude.
I got the fucking sticker. It's at home.
Who did you go with? By myself. Dude, I vote every fucking time, dude.
You went alone yesterday and voted. Yes, I did.
Look me in the face and say you swear on our friendship. I swear on our friendship.
Look me in the face the whole time. Say I voted yesterday.
I swear on our friendship. I didn't vote.
Signs of lying. It was yesterday.
Being vague. It was yesterday.
Yeah man you were supposed to vote. Rick Caruso won.
You were supposed to fucking vote dude. I only vote for the main event.
What the fuck are you talking about? UFC. I don't watch all the prelims.
him the video the woman that got my vote yesterday this woman is fucking incredible go up where's the top right this one's pretty good this is Dr. Sarah Sun I'm a candidate US senator I'm a pastor and an entrepreneur and a business owner, and an immigrant from Seoul, Korea.

My dreams are always supporting business as educators, principal of university.

I always dedicate my life until today as educators.

As well as I'm an immigrant from Seoul, Korea, I know the immigration torture.

They're moving the camera for some reason.

So now it's for business.

I want to really fight for those business. I wish I would have voted for her.
First of all, let me tell you something. What? I'm not making fun of this woman.
I love immigrants who come here and succeed. I'm serious.
And Dr. Liu is a fucking doctor who's from Seoul, Korea, who came to this country and loves America and is trying to change the American system.
I'm for immigrants that come here and win. She shouldn't go.

I want her in the fucking-

Do you know why she can't go?

Why?

Mitch McConnell.

He loves that shit.

Oh, yeah.

Mitch McConnell, the turtle,

loves Asian olds.

He's like,

oh, Korean lady, get over there.

I'm trying to nibble on your little Korean legs.

I mean, I got one at home.

Yeah.

I collect Koreans, you know.

Well, I voted for her because she is so dope.

Look, invited by San Bernardino County endorsement meeting.

Come on, why did God call me to run office for U.S. Senator?

Let's put Dr. Sarah Sun Liu in the fucking Senate.

Did she win?

She did not.

Yeah. She did not.
She's dope. Look at her.
Let me ask you something. Mitch McConnell's face looks like he's coming.
What face does he make when he is coming? He looks good when he comes. Oh, so he's like...
He talks like that. And then when he comes, he's like, hello.
Hello. He's debonair.
As soon as he nuts. I get it.
Then it goes back to creepy again. Yeah.
Anyway, I cast my vote.

I cast my vote for Sarah Sun Liu.

Did you really vote?

100%.

I voted.

No, you didn't.

I voted.

I endorsed her.

Where'd you vote yesterday?

From the comfort of my couch.

Exactly.

So when Steve Byrne calls me and Steve Byrne goes, you want to go to Israel?

I go, why?

That's my response, right?

He goes, it's free.

They'll fly you out.

Come on.

You didn't do birthright and pretended you were Jewish.

No, no, no, no.

Can you imagine?

Yeah, I didn't do that.

No, but he said, no, the Israeli government is flying out like celebrities for free out there to do a tour for free. And it's on the house.
They fly you first class, the whole thing. Wow.
And I go, oh, who's going? He goes, it's going to be me, you, George Lopez, Jamie Chung, Brian Greenberg, her husband. I love him.
I love Brian, right? And I go, it's free? They go, yeah, it's not free. Because when you land there, they go, you have to every day tweet positive things about Israel.
About Israel, yeah. Right? Yeah.
And I just felt so uneasy about it. Yeah, but couldn't you just go, why? Because you have a lot of Palestinian friends? Yeah, I mean, I know some.
You know what I mean? I don't know much about it. I just know that they're in conflict.
And it's just like, but I did, I did what they said. But it's like the fucking wrath I got.
Was insane. Insane.
What was some of the stuff you tweeted? Jews good, Palestinians bad. Is that what you tweeted? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jew number one. Build the wall higher? No, it was just basically, you know, oh, Palestinians.

No, Israel's a beautiful country.

Yeah, that's probably true.

That's true, though.

It is true, but then it's like I had to tag the government in it or whatever.

Oh, that's crazy.

The Israeli government?

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

That's weird as shit.

Yeah, and it was just like every day it was just nonstop.

You were cucking for the Israeli government.

Yeah, but I wish I hadn't gone really.

But I was there. Did you float in the Dead Sea? Oh, yeah.
That's tight. That's tight.
That's worth the tweets. No.
Dude, but I got in trouble. Can I tell you how I got in trouble? So every day you take you on a tour, right? Yeah.
And I smoked back then, right? I smoked back then, right? Yeah. Don't do that when I'm doing stories.
Thank you. New computer, my bad.
All right, it's okay. So I was smoking back then, right? So one day, I didn't know where we were going.
They were like, we're going to go. And I was tired at that point.
Like, I had another place. Right.
Oh, Israel. So I'm smoking a cigarette inside this room because there was no windows or whatever.
Yeah. And I'm smoking.
please don't smoke in here i go why they go this is where the 12th supper the supper was last supper was well i was in the room where the last supper was well they didn't smoke after they had a good meal that's true you tell me jesus didn't fucking light up or they probably banged yeah they did a fucking 12 man bang like you think they didn't fuck on that table they did they fucked that's why they were all on the same side of the table yeah they were fucking how do they know that that's the room that's why i asked how do you know this is the room bullshit they don't know they don't know shit but can i tell you something funny that happened so i laughed i almost died laughing because they have the slab where I guess Jesus laid and died or whatever.

What do you mean?

It's like this slab, like a concrete.

Didn't he die on the cross?

He did, but after they put him down on this thing.

They probably threw him down.

They threw him down, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sure they weren't like gentle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, so I'm with Steve Byrne, and we got to cut in line because that line was like nine hours long to get to that slab. Fuck.
I'm like, I'm not going to cut while I'm smoking. I'm not going to cut this line.
Your old 50s mobster. Yeah, come on.
You mean cut the line? Cut the line, right? So we get to the slab, right? Yeah. And I'm still smoking and I'm going, where the fuck is? Where the fuck is Steve Byrne? Right, right.
And I look down, and his hands are on the slab, and he's convulsing crying. Shut up.
I swear to God. And I start laughing.
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Make ship happen. Better help.
Oh my god, you know, during the pandemic, the only thing that helped me was BetterHelp because I got to do online therapy and it's really a great service. It is.
Dude, I used to do in-person therapy and I gotta be honest with you. I didn't love going to an office.
I don't like going somewhere and waiting and scheduling through traffic and all that stuff. It's so nice to do it from the comfort of your own house.
And then life can be overwhelming and many people are burned out without even knowing it. Symptoms can include lack of motivation, irritability, fatigue, and more.
We associate burnout with work, but that's not the only cause, Andrew. Any of our roles in life can lead us to feel burned out.
BetterHelp Online Therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself. Talking with someone can help you figure out what's causing stress in your life.
And we are big proponents on this show of speaking to someone. We think it's a great idea.
You should give it a a try better help is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to it's much more affordable than in-person therapy and it can be matched with the therapist in under 48 hours our listeners are going to get 10 off their first month at betterhelp.com slash bad friends that's better help.com slash bad friends i don't even know the full 10 commandments. Like, love thy neighbor.
Is that one? Yeah. Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.
Thou shalt not... Zoom in.
Okay. No, no, no.
Go back. You had it.
Go back to the previous page. You had it right there.
Zoom in. 10 commandments right there.
First one is God being my little selfish. There it is.
You shall have no other gods before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images, right? What does that mean? Only fans.
You can't do only fans. Oh, only.
They had it back then, okay. Thou shalt not name the Lord thy God in vain.
Take the Lord's name in vain. Oh, so if I say God damn it.
God damn it. You just did it.
Yeah, it's a lot of fun. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.
Sunday? I don't fucking know. Is that the Sabbath? Is it Saturday? For the Jews, yeah.
But what about for Christians? This isn't for Jews? Yeah, yeah. This is Christian bullshit.
No, but Moses came way before Jesus. So until Jesus comes in, everybody's a Jew.
Do the new one, not the old one. Don't do the old one.
Time out. Time out.
Catholics believe in this one too. Catholics believe in this one.
I want the new one though, man. Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not commit adultery. Thou shalt not killalt not kill honor your father and your mother oh unless you don't have one of the two like your dad is dead you can't honor him anymore yeah i fucked that up you fucked that up well killing is obviously an obvious one i don't know yeah me either killing stealing but it depends you...
Dude, you think stealing is always bad?

Check it out.

If you're starving and you steal food,

is that bad?

I believe that a priest would say that is bad.

Fuck him.

He fucks kids.

I'm not the priest.

I'm just saying. That's true.

You know, somebody put up a really clever post today

on Twitter that I thought was incredible

that some senator,

some Republican senator woman was like,

instead of sending your kids to something something why not send them to church uh instead of homeschooling them maybe put them in church or something like that yeah and someone tweeted back at her and it was like uh the number of killings at a fucking school and they like numbered the amount of kids that have died in school shootings and they wrote the number of kids sexually assaulted by the Catholic Church in the past fucking 50 years and it was 260,000. My God.
260,000. That's insane.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. They keep moving those kids around.
You would think that thou shall not be homo would be one of the... because they make it such a big deal out of it.
Let me tell you something. The phrase that's the bible is they'll shall not lay with another man yeah they don't they don't say you can't fuck him and kill him yeah i i'll never lay with another man but i'll fuck after we have sex i will fuck the shit out of one after you and i have sex we've never we've never laid we just no we just go on we don't even say goodbye no i'll see you later we don't even lock eyes you shall not lie with a male as as with a woman it is an abomination chapter 18 verse 22 if a man lies with a male as a woman both of them have committed an abomination they shall surely be put to death their blood is upon them chapter 20 verse 18 you know why this is what because fucking he got a little taste of a guy and was like this is bad you know what i mean all right no wrong bad that's what it is guilt it's guilt guilt that's the original sin yeah is that he didn't accept who he really was i've said this before that jesus was gay okay jesus was gay we want to say because i know these are your jokes on your act so i want to i want you to save them so don't burn through them jesus was gay don't burn through was he gay no i'm dead serious i looked this up this is they have a lot of proof that that he might actually be gay.
I know, but it's just like, you know. He's a bottom.
He would be top. He's the Lord.
You think that. What? But he likes being dominated.
Okay, can I ask you this? Because he's serving all day long. He wants to be served at the end of the day.
Imagine a guy having sex with Jesus and he's on top. I'd just be like, I just feel wrong.
This is wrong.

This feels wrong.

And Jesus is like,

it's so bad.

You're so bad.

And I come in his butthole and then wine comes out.

That was how he turned.

It was jizz into wine.

Not water.

It lied to us.

I can't believe you know so much about it.

You're Christian, right?

I mean, I was born in Spain, so. have to be you have to be catholic by just that and by the way it's pride month right now right and ironically who's the most homophobic yeah for sure yeah for sure spanish people for sure which is ironic because you guys seem the most hey yeah just elegant look at how he's sitting you know if Jesus he's got his penis tucked in his butt you know how Jesus healed lepers and stuff what would you I would ask you know what if I was around back then and he healed lepers and stuff I would just walk up to him and go can you give me a black dick what? What would you ask for? What is that? Zoom in on that.
Oh, it's just a scene of gay marriage is legal in Spain. It's been legal since 2005.
Wow. Good for you guys.
How about Mexico? I believe it is. Is it? Yeah.
Because you guys hate gay people. Mexicans are so.
Not as muchoreans watch korea i'm i'm kidding same-sex marriage in mexico 2010 legally recognized yeah korea do korea i don't know about this one yeah i don't think so i don't think so i don't think so korea declines declines recognize same-sex partners yeah this is my problem though this is my problem i'm being sorry you didn't have to google i already knew it no this is my problem yeah here we are in the united states and whites get the brunt of all this homophobic shit yeah everybody i know that's not white is way more homophobic that's true i'll say it and i fucking mean it yeah every agent friend i have their families are all crazy anti-gay oh there are some african um that if you're gay, it's- They kill you.

They kill you.

Yeah, they kill you.

You know what I mean?

So stop this shit

because everyone I know

is chill with gay people.

But that's what I loved

because when I would fuck around with dudes

when I was a kid-

You go back to Korea, they'll kill you.

No, but I would tell my parents.

Oh, just to make your dad

just fucking pissed.

Just to make them angry.

I sucked a dick yesterday, Dad.

You know what I mean? If you could turn sucked a dick yesterday dad you know what I mean if you could turn into a yellow Hulk Hulk smash yeah Asian Hulk we should have an Asian Hulk by the way yeah but he wouldn't be Korean why? he'd be Japanese he would be Benedict Wong who's Benedict Wong he's in Doctor Strange oh yeah yeah you'd be Benedict yeah yeah yeah you should be a superhero by the way which one just your I mean a new one Wolverine you should be a new one I would campaign for Wolverine I'm saying you need to be a new superhero there needs to be Bobby Lee needs to be a little superhero I got one I know what my power would be what is it everything

my butthole turns to adamantium steel

so nobody can get in

and nothing comes out

so you just fill up with poop

and like if I saw like

Magneto or whatever

where I go

fuck me

and he's like

oh that's a shot

because my butthole

my ass would be nice and shiny

beautifully and shiny

yeah

and they would stick in

and I would just rip their dick off

Thank you. fuck me.
And he's like, oh, that's a shot. Cause my butthole, my ass would be nice and shiny.
Beautiful and shiny. Yeah.
And they would stick in and I would just rip their dick off and out of their hole. Pretty cool.
What's your power? What's my power? Yeah. If I was a superhero, my power would be to be able to switch races with a snap of a finger.
That's a good one. I could switch.
That's a good one. I could switch on a dime.
Boom. On a dime, I could switch and become another race.
Can my butthole switch races? Stop copying. I know.
No, just not my body. You do the body thing.
I just want my butthole. Just your butthole? Just my butthole switch races.
I'll get good. Thank you.
Fine. Thank you.
I had a sore butthole. No.
Scratch that. Did you really have a sore butthole? No, I had a sore butthole.
My butt cheeks were sore because I was swimming all day in the fucking ocean in Hawaii. And I got a little leg cramp and my ass got so tight and sore I couldn't get back in the fucking canoe.
I had the best time I've ever had in Hawaii. Yeah, I saw photos of that.
This time was the best time I've ever had. I went swimming in the morning at 7 a.m.
We went out and we canoed out like about a quarter mile out. And the ocean right there is about- What island? 30, 40, we're on the big island.
About 30 or 40 feet deep, the guy said. And the guy we were with, he was like, I'm gonna dive down with the gun, see if I can shoot ma mahi and i was like what he's like for sashimi and i was like holy shit wow he dives down and then he dives back up and goes there's a shark it's a it's a white it's called they call maybe white tail or something like that it's it whatever he because he's like it's the panda of the sea whatever he was saying the panda of the sea that's what he said i'm not kidding he goes if they're soft they're sensitive and panda of the sea shark oh that no right shark right sure i don't know what breed it was but let me say this is that it no it's not what it looked like it was really thin but that's cute as fuck looks like a dolphin with down syndrome a down a downfin yeah he swims down there and he goes like this hey there's a shark in the coral i'm not making this up there's 15 other people with me that can say that yeah he goes i'm gonna go down there and i'm gonna get him out of the cave and i was like what if he freaks out and he's like he freaked out on me if anything it won't be on you because it's again it's 20 or 30 feet down yeah he dives down in the coral this guy was impressive he would sit for like two or three minutes and hold his fucking breath on the bottom of the ocean which is crazy and he he literally goes puts his arm in the cave and then he goes like this to us like this to look to look to look and sure enough out comes this fucking shark swims right around his body yeah i'm not kidding and then goes right back in he comes up and he was like wasn't that cool and i was like no why get that keep that fucking thing in the cave we're in the middle of the ocean it's the panda shark dude we are fucking we are two three hundred yards three football fields away from the canoe we've swam out and we're in the middle of the fucking ocean it's a panda shark i know but even pandas maybe like to eat fuck bite and kill and i was are you made of bamboo yes but it was fucking beautiful and then we saw um we went night swimming with manta rays which is one of the coolest things I think I've ever done in my life they light up the bottom of the ocean and you can I mean you can see probably a radius of like 40 feet and it's so fucking crazy they put these lights on surfboards so the plankton get, you know, the photosynthesis starts to make them start to eat.

And you hear them clicking.

Then these things show up and they do barrel roll dives.

They come right up under your belly, Bobby.

And they flip over and then dive right back down.

It was the fucking coolest thing I've ever done.

It was so, the whole trip was, it made me want to move to fucking Hawaii. But then I found out how much they hate whites there.

And I was like, I'll just visit. You're a haole.
They hate whites. They hate guys, yeah.
Do you know what Haole means? Nah. Ghost.
Oh, really? Ghost. When they first saw whites, they thought, ghost.
Oh, wow. Look at that fucking ghost.
Yeah. And by the way, who's more ghostly than me? Yeah.
No one. I'm not kidding when I say this.
Yeah. One can of sunscreen every day.
Went through one full can. You look tanner though.

A full can of sunscreen.

Like your forearms are tanned.

A little.

I mean, this is a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Full can of sunscreen.

Didn't burn.

Very proud.

Five days didn't burn.

Had a wonderful fucking time.

It would, dude.

Hawaii is, I learned what it means.

I've been there.

God.

I learned what it means, dude.

He's a picture of it like, I've never fucking been there.

Ha.

You know what ha means?

What? Hawaii. Do you know what it means uh what hawaii do you know what it means no ha is breath yeah huh why or vi is water breath water e e yeah is light breath water light and the convergence of these three things that makes up the island fucking hippie here man, man.
It's fucking... I gotta tell you something.

You have crystals too, bitch?

I got spiritual as fuck while I was out there.

Cachulie man over here, man.

Fucking earth, water.

Fuck you.

Don't disrespect the fucking...

Fuck you, Howley.

Don't disrespect...

Fucking breath of water.

Don't disrespect, dude.

Don't disrespect my culture

and my fucking people, dog.

He goes to one trip.

He's so annoying.

One trip, he's like,

breath of water, light.

Fuck you.

It was beautiful. Yeah, I've been there, bitch.
God. Yeah, but you don't have the same experience.
But you don't get out of the hotel. Yeah, he's like, breath of water, light.
Fuck you. It was beautiful.

Yeah, I've been there, bitch. God.

Yeah, but you don't have the same experience. You don't get out of the hotel.

You loser. You don't do shit.

You fucking sit on your dick in the hotel.

You don't think that I've been out there

with the sharks too? One time.

I'll do everything one time.

After I do it one time, I've done it.

I want to show you the video.

Oh, I don't want to see it! The guy... Oh, look at this.
Can I send this to Pete? Well, Pete, I text it one time, I've done it. I want to show you the video.
Oh, I don't want to see it!

The guy...

Oh, look at this.

Can I send this to Pete?

Pete, I text it to you.

I don't fucking see this shit, man.

No, because you'll like it.

You'll love this.

It's like having a girlfriend.

It's like...

I mean, check out my day.

Fuck you.

Anyway, go ahead.

Okay.

It's Kalilah.

Kalilah, I love you. This guy was a huge bad friend fan the fire the fire spinner yeah yeah and he came up to me afterwards and was like i'm a massive fan of you guys i love i fucking love you guys and i was like oh thank you and he went up there and he spun fucking fire like you've seen them do that shit at the luau I have yes and this guy explain it to me

fucking asshole

I mean Carlos

fucking amateur

over here

I mean he's excited

about the trip

he wants to get you included

yeah yeah

thank you Carlos

what do you do in Hawaii

Carlos with Bobby

when you guys win

no I don't want to fucking know

how many

how many sharks

did you guys see

zero sharks

and it was the first time

I took 100 milligram edible

with me yeah you introduced me to it and then what did you guys do I went to my room and just watched cool vacation fucking boring bitch yeah but still we're in Hawaii doing it yeah Yeah, we had dinner. Yeah, different environments.

Let's see the photos.

No, no, it's over.

You drowned my mood.

Fucking drowned my mood.

It's the same thing as, you know what I mean?

Like, you know, you have to endure that with your girlfriend, right?

Like, check out my day.

Look at the photos.

I went to the dog park.

Look at the photos, right? And you do it.

And, you know, you're half interested, but you have to be mindful and you have to do it right but from your friend it's just come on a guy let's go man look great though do you win the golf tournament or celery golf tournament was enjoyable i say out there i saw the pictures. It looks great with you and your white friends in the golf cart.

Really good.

Did you win?

It was hosted by a black guy, my white friends.

The photos I saw were with you, white friends.

What photos?

You golfing in the golf tournament.

Where?

On your Instagram.

Why are you looking at my Instagram?

Because you're my friend.

Get off my Instagram.

I don't want you ever looking at my Instagram.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

We're best friends.

Fucking.

Tell us about more Hawaii.

More words that you learned.

What does aloha mean?

We'd love to hear about that.

A means sunlight.

Okay.

Low means low to the ground ah means hello aloha who gives a shit okay okay what um mahalo what's that mean ma means ma literal Ha means Hello Like I said in Aloha Right

Yeah yeah

O means

Who gives a fuck

Fuck means ma literal ha means hello like I said in aloha right yeah yeah o means who gives a sh-fuck who gives a sh-fuck so sh-fuck s-h-f-c-k yeah sh-fuck yeah am I not right Carlos you're on my side right come on Carlos you're on my side dude you're on my side I understand Harry's. Look at how cool this package is.
Oh, my God. Harry's is the high level.
It's what Clooney probably uses. Maybe.
Yeah, yeah. This is Harry's shave gel.
It comes in this beautiful little package. They give you this great little box.
You slide it out, and there is your razor box. That's the starter kit.
I've had it. Can we shave your back right now on Bad Friends? No.
Come on, baby. Come on.
Let me foam you up. Yeah listen and it comes with this little travel case which I actually really like you can clip it in this thing when you're on the go to shave your fudge I'm gonna tell you about the first time starter kit okay it includes a five blade cartridge a weighted handle foaming shave gel and a travel cover to protect your blades on the the go a 13 value all for only three dollars dude that's three dollars come on this is more than three dollars three dollars dude wow that's pretty impressive you get everything you need for a great shave and nothing but that these other people are going to overcharge you for gimmicks that you don't need harry's prioritizes simple quality craftsmanship at a fair price you get everything you need right here in the box and it's not a ripoff and're still going to offer you a no-risk trial, which is impressive.
If you don't like your shave, no worries. It's on them.
They're going to give you back your money, which is ridiculous. Dude, dude, dude, just go to harrys.com slash badfriends today to get your starter set for just $3.
$3. Hey, man, new look, same incredible offer.
There's really never been a better time to give Harry's a try. That's harrys.com slash badfriends.
Wherever, where would we go in Italy if you and I went? I would go out to probably, I'd probably go out to Capri, the island of Capri with you and fucking leave you there. See, you know, it's so funny.
Take you on the other side of the island. You got to get over whatever you're doing right now.
This anger thing, it doesn't suit you. It's all i have it's literally what i'm made of anger i understand it's my whole fucking thing i understand you tune me up and you're gonna get it back i didn't do anything yeah really you did a fucking five minute no you talking five minute who gives a shit no people will give a shit okay so keep going then nah you care about my opinion yeah you

fucked it up your rhythm fucked it up i didn't fuck it yeah you did yeah you and you didn't yes and any of it you fucked it off yeah yeah i guess and all your bullshit well let's talk about the panda shark again that was interesting how he wrapped around

the fucking instructor

and went back in and you're like oh well I can reiterate all everything you said good I'm glad you listened yeah yeah it's fucking fascinating alright yeah fuck I can't get that fucking time back you need it back you need to get that time back time back? No, I loved it. No, we'll get it back.
Now we hear it. We'll get it back.
I love it. I want to hear it again.
It's like, I want to see Top Gun again. You want to go see it? I saw it already.
Good. Yeah, yeah.
Good. You like it? We were going to go.
Who? You and I, remember? Oh, that's right. Yeah.
Thanks for waiting. Uh-huh.
Are you going to fucking Eric's wedding? Yeah. I moved my flight to go to Eric Griffin's wedding.
And I'm so happy that he's getting married, and I'm going to go, but here's what I don't like, right? When you go on the website, right, it has all those little things of what they want. Registry.
The registry. I don't know what that is, right? You got to buy him a gift.
Not doing it. You got to buy him a gift.
What'd you buy them? I didn't buy it yet, but you have a year to do it. Oh, well, I'll do it in a year.
Isn't that the standard is a year? Yeah. You have a year after the wedding to give a gift.
Traditionally, people do it within like a couple of months. That's an American thing.
It's an American thing? What do the Spanards do? You do it on the day of or before. Well, fuck you guys.
We have shit going on. I like the way Italians do it, like in the mafia movies

where they just have a bag

and envelopes of money.

Money.

Yeah, that's the way

you should do it.

Well, you can give them money.

So if I just give them

like 500 bucks, that's good?

Yeah, you can just give them.

Is that not enough?

Not enough.

No, I think that's enough.

Like a thousand?

I think you should give a thousand.

So I'll just give them a thousand.

I'm not doing the registry thing.

Yeah, that's the one and the same.

Cash is just as good.

Yeah, it's the same. A grand, but give it to to him in ones that's of course just to be inconvenient yeah give him stripper ones yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna buy something off the fucking thing what are you gonna buy whatever's on some bullshit they're probably want like pots and pans or glassware shit some of it's like bracelets i'm gonna buy no bracelet yeah but the good thing is then you can just buy one of those things and then get it over with I don't want to like Go get cash out Or write a check Fuck it They're like fucking $1,200 Wait is it really Yeah I'm gonna buy the cheapest Thing on there That's what I try to do Sheets I was looking for Fucking paper towels Like you know what I mean Soup I think I'm gonna buy them Soup I think soup was on there A couple of cans of soup A can of Spam Yeah two cans of Spam Two cans of Spam But there's two events I don't like going to Weddings And funerals I love a good funeral I'd rather go to a funeral I love a good funeral You know what an Irish wake is It's a party We get fucking annihilated We literally drink the whole time where the body's in the room it's funny as shit really the body's in the casket yeah look at that and we throw a fucking rager around the body oh i love that we did that for my grandmother we literally fucking part you party you fucking party like if i was there could i party with your grandmother yeah and people and people like put weed in her mouth and stuff and fucking do rock star oh do they really no oh that's cool you don't touch the body i can't touch the body no you don't fucking touch the body but you party around it that's the whole thing you're celebrating their life while you know what i mean like you're celebrating so people are you know ripping fucking heaters smoke a little fucking herb chug some booze shotgun a beer do you cry a lot though not really because you're talking to people you're catching up with people The crying part is at the physical The funeral Service But what if it's like You know Your 12 year old son got ran over You still party? Yeah If it's Irish Oh really? Yeah what ran him over? What? What ran him over? A mad truck Sick Yeah yeah But you would still party Yeah you'd I don't think you would Yeah't think you would.
Yeah, you'd party. Really? Yeah, you got to party.

You celebrate their life because they're already dead.

We can't bring them fucking back.

What are you going to do?

Huh.

The Irish like to,

the idea is you have to celebrate

with the people that are still left

and to toast to the person that's gone.

It's a good idea.

Yeah.

But I don't like looking at the body.

I don't like that the body's in the open casket thing.

I'm not a huge fan of that. Have you looked at, would you look down at mine? I, yes.
And you know what they do? You go up and people cross out and they say like a prayer and shit or they say they talk to them. God, I just had a vision of going to your funeral.
Oh my God, it's devastating. You think we'd invite you? I would go anywhere.
I don't give a fuck. We're not going to tell you where it is.
But I'm not going to, you're not going to have the... I'm getting cremated.
I'm not going to have my body out and about. You're not going to have an open-open? Fuck that.
You know what the Jews do that I love the Jews for this? They fucking Jews. They don't show you the body when it's dead.
Oh. I don't want to fucking see it again.
Yeah, yeah. I never liked that as a kid.
When any family member died and you got to see him and like, why am I looking at this fucking guy? It's a weird like final image. I don't like it.
Yeah. Yeah.
I've never like lost somebody I'm really close to though except for my dad I was just gonna say your fucking dad my dad but like in terms of like someone my age or somebody I've you've never lost a friend well like Brody was a friend yeah but not that close huh no I was still close but he's not like in my top two or three circle yeah you know I mean I I mean? I'd like, you know, like if I'm at lost Klyla. I've never like something like that.
Would you throw a party? No. You wouldn't throw a party? I think I would be devastated.
If she died? Yeah, I'd be devastated. But would it depend on how she dies or it doesn't matter? No.
If she's eating by a panda shark, doing whatever she loves the most. Funny joke.
Didn't hear you. Didn't understand what you were saying.
Funny joke, though. What if she's eating by a panda shark, doing whatever she loves the most.
Funny joke.

Didn't hear you.

Didn't understand what you were saying.

Funny joke, though. What if she's getting a train run on her by a professional sports team?

Yes.

And she dies that way?

I would go.

Then you'd want to see it?

Yeah.

Okay.

And she dies getting a train run on her?

Yeah.

If somebody's sick for a long time, that would be sad.

And then they die. Okay.
How about this about this yeah kalilah's in a coma let's talk about your sister how long your sister how long until you pull the plug oh that's a tough one she's in a coma for how long and i'm the doctor yeah mr thank you. Yeah.
Listen, she's been in a coma now for a week.

Yeah.

She's showing signs.

I just unplugged it.

Oh.

Was I not supposed to?

No, no, that's fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were going to ask you.

We were going to do it.

The thing went eee.

Well, we're trying to conserve a little bit of power.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm going to talk about.

Solar panels aren't doing as well this year.

Let's move on.

All right.

How long?

How long?

How long would I? How long would you give it? If the doctor said, let's be real about it. So say it again.
There's brain function. Her brain is still firing.
We predict she could be in a coma for maybe even another week to a month. So we don't really know.
Well, I saw a movie with Robert De Niro in it. Yeah.
I forgot what it was called. Awakening? Yeah, dude.
I know what it's called. In the fucking bit.
Fuckface. These guys are invaluable.
I know it's awakenings, but for the bit, I was not knowing the fucking name. Do you understand what I'm saying? God bless.
You fucking... I hope one day a fucking panda shark eats you, man.

All right?

So I would probably... What about your sister?

How long?

Oh, man, you can't answer this question?

I would probably...

It depends on what she wanted, right?

I think she would want us to unplug her.

If she never clarified, because no one said this.

I've never had this conversation.

I would just be like, because of the movie Awakening.

How long?

Yeah, I'm going to keep it as long as the brain's functioning.

When the brain's dead, I'm going to unplug.

Then you'll unplug.

Yeah.

What about your sister now?

How long would I keep my sister alive for? Brain's functioning. A couple hours.
No, be real. Depends I have to go somewhere.
No, be real. How long would I keep my family alive? Yeah.
Unless they said they want to be taken off, I would just keep them on forever. Yeah, me too.
But then you think, what if they're miserable? What if they're trapped in this purgatory hell of half awake, half can't funk? That's creepy. That's a nightmare.
Well, that's what I'm saying. And they're in the purgatory.
You want to unplug me, dude? And we don't know that they can't die. You don't know that they're...
You know what I mean? We don't know what their movement is or if their cognitive thinking is still firing enough to have them be conscious, trapped in a place where they... You ever had a dream where you can't breathe or you can't speak speak or you can't run? Oh my God.
When you're getting chased by something. What if they're having that? And you're running so slow.
Yeah. And I just stop.
I just go eat me. I'll just stop.
Cause we don't know because the brain is like, did you see this boxer? This guy, he died. This is so sad.
He got hit. His head got hit so fucking hard.
This is crazy footage. Boxer footage boxer just died he was swinging at nothing like he was in the middle of a fight they stopped the fight for a second because the other guy was on the ropes he turns he's just swinging at nothing he thinks he's fighting somebody he had fucking brain bleed yeah it was crazy if they show the video that's it right there this is so sad look at how crazy this is and he dies right after this no much later oh the video, that's it right there.
This is so sad. Look at how crazy this is.
And he dies right after this?

No, much later.

So he knocks that guy down.

Right.

And they separate him.

Yeah.

But then the guy that's up on his feet

is out of it.

He's like,

right now he's unconscious.

Little does he know.

His brain isn't working.

The guy in the white?

No, the boxer. Look.
Yeah, look. Oh, yeah.
He's swinging of it. Right now, he's unconscious.
Little does he know. His brain isn't working.
The guy in the white? No, the boxer. Look.
Yeah, look. Oh, him.
He's swinging at nothing. He doesn't know where he is.
That's not a good sport, dude. Dude, isn't that fucking crazy? Tell me that's not fucking crazy.
I'm glad he was boxing and not doing something else. Like cooking something.
You know what I mean? Or like, what if he went? Poor fucking man. He wasn't boxing.
Kaleidos told me a story about a girl. She was in so sort of a coma or something.
And they thought that she was brain dead or whatever. But she trapped in her mind right and then they figured out a way i don't know exactly what it was a way to communicate and she they were able to and she was like i've been trying to talk to you guys forever you know i mean see that's what i mean but i you know for years i've been in my like watching you guys not being able to say anything right just like you know that would fuck me up me up so much.
And now she can communicate. I don't know how she does it, but like, yeah.
With her mouth? Maybe with her eyeballs. The keyboard? You know that thing with her eyes? With her tongue? I don't know.
That'd be a cool thing. A tongue thing? Clean my asshole.
Right? But if I had the tongue thing

and the keyboard was like

I put my dick right on the keyboard

yeah you would

I think you would

right

and then what if I went this

he's awake

he's awake

let me tell you something

if you were on a

if you were in a

coma state like that

my friend

I would stay with you

for the

till the very end

no you know you wouldn't

I would keep you alive

and I'd stay with you

yes I would

I would do everything

in my power

to keep you alive

Thank you. Yes, I would.
I would do everything in my power to keep you alive. Well, so I'm in a coma.
With my eyes open? Your choice. Oh, so if somebody's in a coma, I don't know why I'm doing this with my hands.
Yeah, I would probably do this. Coma hands.
Yeah. Like I'm a squirrel I'm a squirrel.
So I'm in a coma, right?

Can you open my eyes?

We could open the lids of your eyes.

Would it stay open like this?

No.

I would just close it back down?

Yeah.

Okay.

But I would keep you alive.

How?

No, no, no.

I'm saying I would make sure they don't unplug.

Because Steve would be like, I don't know, man, maybe we should unplug them. No, Steve would want to unplug him.
Yeah, because he knows my will. Uh-huh.
Yeah, he'd want you unplugged. Yeah, he knows my will.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd keep you alive.
I'd say, we can't unplug him. We have to keep Bobby like this.
But honestly, dude, and this is the honest truth, and I'm not doing this for comedy's sake, right? Okay, well. Number one, I think that you would visit me more than anyone else i really i

would but probably once a year no that's insane there's no way you would if i knew you were i'm just saying this right now you would never visit me i would i would not more than i would visit you yeah we would you know what we have we would have you we would ship your body to the big island oh

that's where you love

yes

Hawaii

Hawaii

yeah yeah

and have me swim with sharks

yeah yeah

yeah

and we would be right there right yeah and then have an aquarium around you yeah fucking panda sharks yes right yes that same guy the fucking luau guy he's gonna be there yeah right just with the torch all the people that I love all the people you love and the torch right and a big a big banner, what Hawaii means, whatever. I forgot what it was.
But we'll look it up. Breath.
Breath. Breath.
Breath. Breath.
Water. Light.
Yeah, that would be tattooed on your face. Sick.
I would do that. Tattoo that right on your face, dude.
I would keep you alive. Yeah.
Where would you put me? And I would always say, and I would say to the doctor or the nurse, and I'd be friendly with them, and I would bring them stuff, snacks, chocolate, wine. I'd butter them up.
And I'd be like, can I have a moment in the room alone with him? And they would go, absolutely. And I'd be a little sweet.
I'd pretend to be sweet. And every single day, I'd visit you every single day.
I would visit you every day, once a day. And I would put something in your asshole.
Every day. What? Anything.
Anything I would collect Slowly but surely over time Right I'd start with something small Like what? A sharpie Okay a sharpie I'd throw a sharpie in there Would to freak you out though Is if you stuck a sharpie In my butthole And all these things Right The next day it came in And they were in my mouth Would that freak you out? I would wink at the doctor Because he knows No you did it? I don't know It's a mystery That would freak you out i would wink at the doctor because he knows no you did it i don't

know it's a mystery that would freak you out it just ends up somewhere imagine it or two sharpies in my nose if i'm talking to you if i'm like bobby it's good to see you i've got to go soon and then you just go and a sharpie just comes right out of your mouth yeah yeah yeah from your And I go,

Ta-da.

I would visit you.

I would visit ta-da.

I would visit you.

I would visit you a lot.

Yeah.

I would visit you once a year.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I'd visit you way more than you'd visit me.

I don't know.

We'll see.

It's a contest I hope we never do.

It's a contest I hope that never happens.

It never happens.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me ask you this.

So let's say Eric Griffin was in a coma. Pull the plug.
No, no, no. Oh, no? No, no, no.
Keep him alive. Yeah, keep him alive.
How many times did you visit him? I think once is good. Twice.
I think once to say, I miss you, I love you. Yeah.
If you get out, we'll see you. Yeah.
If not... Yeah.
There probably is not a lot of room in the room. You're just going to...
Hey, buddy. Excuse me.
So fucking mean. So mean.
It's so mean. I love him.
Why are we even talking about this coma and stuff? Well, because that thing... I don't know.
I don't even know how our brains got that way. Yeah.
Well, the fucking box was so depressing. I saw Rudy post a picture of herself in the Philippines in like a lake or some shit like that.
With her mom. Well, she was like swimming in a bay or something like that.
Yeah. She looks like she's having fun.
I hope Rudy likes where she is because she's not coming back. I know.
I called them. You called INS? Yeah.
Yeah, and I said that she can't come back.

She can't come back.

She's illegal.

She's illegal.

And I don't think she wants to come.

What if she doesn't want to come back?

I've thought about that.

Because if another pandemic can happen,

because you can't.

What do you mean?

If there's monkey poxes on its way?

I know.

Do you know this?

How many people have monkey pox right now?

Yeah, but you can only get that.

It's hard to get.

What do you mean it's hard to get?

You need an anal sex to get it.

Okay.

So I'm a candidate.

Yeah, I'm not.

The second case was found today in California.

Two cases.

It's hard to get.

It's here.

It's one guy.

It's here.

Look at that.

Look at all the states it's in.

It says one right now.

That hasn't been.

Yeah, what?

It's been around for three or four months.

One guy has it.

Dude, eight cases. Pretty tight.
Where? Do we have the most cases in the country yeah no i thought new york was higher than york has nine ah they got us by one yeah well i'm going to new york maybe i can bring it back i'd love to try it out what does it look like on your skin little bubbly i don't like it the little bubbly bubbles oh because so it could really it's actually you'd hate to have it yeah so should i get it i don? I don't want Bubbly Bubbles. It sounds like something I'm purchasing off Amazon.
Should I buy it? Look at that. You want that? That's monkeypox? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That looks like burns, like blister burns. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How do you get monkeypox? Anal sex. Is that the only way? With a monkey.
You have to fuck a monkey? You have to fuck, yeah. How do you catch monkeypox? It's a cool name.
It cool name it's a really zoom in up top monkey pox can be caught from infected rodents such as rats mice and squirrels so whatever i'm gonna eat in new york yeah in parts of west and central africa you can catch monkey pox from infected animal if if you're bitten or you touch its blood body fluid spots blisters or scabs yeah why do they call COVID panda pox? Panda pox. Yeah.
It would have been cooler. Panda pox.
Yeah, I got panda pox. It's just a seamless COVID.
COVID sounds mean. Mean.
Panda pox sounds fun. Fun.
Look at that, though. You can get it from touching.
So it's either close contact with infected skin, so someone else, bedding, clothing. So if I sleep in like a shady motel, I might be able to get it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or yeah or just playing with animal blood yeah so if you're just out there well you know i love playing with animal blood it's kind of fun people in new york who did it yeah well obviously it's someone someone had something a rat had either you know what i mean but if ebola i want ebola ebola i want to have ebola let's get you some ebola buddy because if i got buddy.
Because if I got Ebola and survived it, that's a bragging right.

You might.

How about this, though?

Look up the size.

By the way, I saw an article the other day about the size of the rats in New York now.

The amount and the size are at an all-time high.

It's gotten out of control.

They're literally doing one of these.

They sent out like a fucking.

What is this?

New York City rats are the Norway rat brown. The average rat is 16 inches long inches long way of one pound can grow up to 20 inches and weigh two pounds but there was like this thing i just saw an article on twitter that was like they're calling not for a state of emergency but for for new york to finally like they have to actually do something about it it's getting out of fucking control let me see a photo of one but it's nothing like the filipino bat no it's not have you seen that yes we've showed it on this show yeah look at the size that's a fucking that looks like my dog that's my dog yeah that's like a little chihuahua it's the same size as my dog look at how big that is oh my god zoom in on that one that's a footlocker in the bronx footlocker that's a footlocker yeah yeah in the back well he did know jordans were getting released that day so he was in the drop yeah yeah look at the man holding that oh that's a rat that's a rat oh my god not a horse that's a rat that's a man holding guinea pigs bigger bigger yeah that what is that one and a half pound rodent caught in new y lately.
These are the big ones Andrew's talking about.

My God.

Because they're-

You can eat them.

Of course, they do.

Well, how do you think monkeypox got spread?

Rat pox, baby.

Yeah.

That's-

Oh, the guy holding one.

No.

No way.

No.

Get fucked.

It's like a raccoon.

Is that a raccoon or a rat?

That's not a rat.

That's a raccoon or a porcupine, it looks like.

Massive rat caught in London. Oh, yeah a rat that's not a rat that's a raccoon or a porcupine it looks like massive rat caught in London oh yeah but that's you know London yeah they love their rats out there you can make fun of me again for Hawaii but fuck me on the way back that we hit such bad turbulence that there is that moment where you're like I'm over the fucking ocean I'm over the fucking ocean yeah and it was sketch, sketch, but would you rather land in the ocean or in a mountainous region like Colorado? Well, I would rather land like in the flats of any fucking place.
There's a lot of, most of the country is flat as fuck. I know, but if you, if a plane went down though, I'd rather go water, no? No, in the middle of the fucking ocean at night, fuck off, no chance.
Oh, it'd float on dead bodies. No, you're not floating.
I mean, well, you're quite buoyant, but I don't think... I would survive.
You don't think... If I survived the landing...
Dude, if a plane crashed... If I survived the landing...
You're never gonna. You wouldn't survive the landing.
Because I would do the opposite of what you're supposed to do. You know how everyone's supposed to do this? Right? Yeah.
I would just do... I would stand and do something opposite because I know that doesn't work.
And I will live. I'm alive! Right? So you're the only one that lives.
I would even stand like this, right? And everyone's gonna be like this. I'm gonna be like this.
I'm alive! You crash in the ocean. Right.
The chances of it landing like... And I'm swimming.
It's dark. Yeah.
I'm swimming. Here comes a panda shark.
And I go, and it swims around me. And it goes right back into his cave.
Yeah, it goes right back into his cave. And some guy's like, shaka.
Yeah, so what I would do is I would find other things that would float. What? Parts of the plane? Yeah, parts of the plane.
Like a door. Right.
You know what I mean? Or, you know, a large man. The wing.
Or a wing, right? And I'd float on that for a while. And then people would try to get on it.
And would do like get on mine you know i mean yeah you know i mean i would that's my wrath you would fight people off of it yeah you would if someone's like there's plenty of room can i can i no no no please no i would be collecting like like cokes and different things to survive i'm in survival mode you're in survival mode what about, and then you see like a chubby guy and you're like, I could eat this guy at some point. Oh.
You gotta eat something. You know what I would do? No, I would wait for him to die first.
Oh, so you just- I would be on the wing, right? And I would eye him. I would eye him.
Keep your eye on that guy. Yeah, keep him eye on it.
He's dead. And I would swim over to him, right? And then the fucking round you're not gonna let him on if it's a hot chick i'd let him on do you think you would survive for real anything like that i really do how long though a day two days i know that i have probably a 24 hour window and i'll die yeah one day one full day and i believe that if the plane went down don't they have like little beepers? Isn't there like a black box or like a little like.
Well, the black box records what's going on. I know.
Isn't there a thing like a radar or something that they can locate? Let him figure this out. Let him figure this out.
All right. So GPS.
Yeah. Not GPS.
Right. I'm pretty sure they'll be like, we lost the flight pattern in this area.
area. So we think, you know, scientists or whatever they have, probably it'll be like, you know, this is the general 30 mile radius that we think the plane went down.
Sure. They would probably zip over with their planes.
Yeah. Right? The little Buddy Holly ones.
Rest in peace. The big in the big bopper so they would probably zip right and i would have on my thing i would have help but small written small help because it's on the i don't have a lot of space where how are you where are you gonna sit are you the h i'll probably use i'll probably use what yeah i'll be with the h i'll be with the h i think i could do a p can i tell you something yeah you'd be the you'd be the bubble of the pee your stomach right so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put so I put

so I would put Chestnuts If they're chestnuts No the peanuts Peanuts from the plane Peanuts from the plane right Would be the H-E-L I would be the P Right I'd have half of a Dead fat man Can you imagine You to the side like this And then with your stomach They're like help What that bee down there help that's what i would do i guess they don't need help right and um you would never survive and i'm and i mean this genuinely okay let me ask you this if you and i were you think you would survive more than me a hundred percent we talked about this fucking pisses me we're talking about this get this get us i'm naked and fucking afraid and i've guaranteed that really pisses me off dude i'll last longer than you dude that's there's no way to know that yeah there is just sheer athleticism and grit and but it's my will to live it's you i have a will to live not when you're in that kind of situation you don't i do i do you know okay first of all yeah i come from this kind of stock they saved my son son. Look up redheaded boy found in woods.
They saved my son literally two days ago.

It's been all over the paper.

And they found this boy, a little missing boy in Montana, that first article.

First article, go back.

Look at the picture of this kid.

Tell me this isn't me.

That is you.

That's my son.

That's your son.

They found my son.

And where was he?

He was lost in the woods in Montana.

We let that kid outside for five minutes.

He fucking disappeared.

How long was he in the Lost in Words for? I think it was like was like two days. Dude, I think that kid's dead, dude.
Also, what's really weird about it, he had a bloody nose, which I think is like, how did you get a bloody fucking nose? He returned home safely. Go down.
Returned home safely after spending two days outdoors on his own in the fucking woods in Montana. This kid's a soldier.
Would I be able to do that? No, no way. As a grown adult, you don't think i'd be able to do nope oh yeah 100 percent nope put me in montana now i want to leave you in the fucking woods so bad do it no because then they'll lose you no i want to prove a point you'll never live dude you'll die two days yep so fast so fast you'll die it'd be a terrible two days i'll tell you that you'd be attacked by something immediately It'd be a terrible two days can you imagine fucking like that go find a person in the woods they had drones it's not as hard as it used to be just are you saying that or do they say that no i'm saying that because i don't think you saw that they had drones and atvs as well yeah but okay i mean drones.
They gotta help a little bit. Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, but also...

Like, when Gandalf was on the tower

and without that moth...

If he only had a moth drone.

Yeah, that moth,

and then got the eagle, right?

Then he would have never escaped.

I guess that was the drone of that world.

Yeah.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

Well, let me tell you something.

Yeah.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Being a bad friend.
Fucking. Anyway.
Fucking. Anywho.
I swam with sharks and you on the fucking island. Yeah.
You took a fat shit. No, I'm really happy for you, dude.
You fucking loser. You learned some things.
You took a fat TV shit. That's what you did.
You fucking loser. At least I went out and did something.
That's what you did You fucking loser At least I went out

And did something

And here was you

Filming a fucking

And they put it on

Fucking TV

You filmed a shit

You fucking

Alright

Why are you so angry dude?

You attacked me

Oh I'm sorry