Harry Styles Drinks Baby Blood

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Speaker 2 What do we have on June 28th? We're doing a live feed. We're doing a live show.
Yep. From Moment House is presenting it.
Moment House. We've never done a live stream show before.
Yep.

Speaker 2 It's going to last much longer than a regular show. How long? We have guests.
It's about 17 hours. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We have guests. We have huge surprises.
Huge surprises. Yep.
So sign up and get those tickets for Moment House. And the link is in the description below in the bio.
Momenthouse.com slash bad friends.

Speaker 2 Momenthouse.com slash bad friends. I cannot wait to see.
I can't wait.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. He brought in a

Speaker 2 bunch of kids.

Speaker 2 Here's the problem, right? When they're not laughing or they're silent, it puts extra pressure on them. Big time.
He's telling them to shut up or they get kicked out of class. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 If you don't shut up. Dude, he makes these kids come to this.

Speaker 2 He makes them come here. Otherwise, they don't get credit.
Do you know that? I'm dead serious. He makes the kids come here.
Or they don't get credit. And there's 15 kids out there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but they don't follow me. One of them is a fan of ours.
No, the guy with the shirt.

Speaker 2 The rest of the, I walked in, they were like, oh, who are you? Are you the janitor? They thought I'm the janitor. The guy, that's what,

Speaker 2 wait till you see what they said to Doc.

Speaker 2 Somebody driving. He screams.

Speaker 2 Somebody's driving. Drink all my money.
Somebody drivers here. It was bad.
Oh, really? It was very bad. They thought he was a chauffeur.
No, not the kid with the bad friend shirt. Oh, who's he?

Speaker 2 He just got free gear from this guy. Yeah, he's a faker.
Yeah, he's phony. Yeah, yeah.
Who's that?

Speaker 2 Make the fan walk in here so I can see him. So we can show him.
Where's the real fan? There's one real fan.

Speaker 2 Look at the size of this kid. Yeah, they all look like this.

Speaker 2 Stay right there. Look at that.
Look at that. Look at this.
Is all of our fans, really?

Speaker 2 Borderline QAnon.

Speaker 2 Right? Are you? He could be. You think he's like a maybe.
He's a truther. Maybe.

Speaker 2 How tall are you? 6'3? Yeah, 6'3. 6'3, and you're what, 185?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 60. 160? Yes.
Dude, this guy has the.

Speaker 2 You know how long his penis is? How old is he? He's 21. Okay, you know how long his penis is? Do I? I got here early.
Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. So he's the only one of the 15 kids that are sitting out there.

Speaker 2 I say kids. They're like, rip his ankles apart.

Speaker 2 Do one kick. Do you really think this guy would fuck you up? You're nuts.
Dude, do you ever see fucking Enter the Dragon when Bruce Lee fought Karima Duel Troubar?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it'd be like that. You're not.
At the end, I would win. No, you're not.
No, it'd be like Bobby Lee fighting a young kid. You're not like water.

Speaker 2 I'm not like water. You're no.
You know what I I mean like sand?

Speaker 2 I'm like sand.

Speaker 2 You know how Bruce is like, you have to be like water. I'm like, you have to be like sand.

Speaker 2 You know what you are? You're like the stuff they put in those stress balls.

Speaker 2 Whatever's in there, that's what you are. Yeah, that's what I am.
What's your name? Ethan. Ethan.
He's a handsome dude. Look at him.
Of course he is. That's what I'm saying.
When he fills out

Speaker 2 our fans are handsome. They're very handsome.
They're always handsome. They're all of our fans.

Speaker 2 Bring in the kid with the bad friend's shirt. Well, let's say thank you to Ethan for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Bring in the kid with the bad friend shirt. So we can call him out for being a logo.

Speaker 2 This guy right here. Poser.
Not a fan. Poser.
Yeah, you know who he's a fan of? Who? Michael Lenocchi. Oh, hilarious.

Speaker 2 He doesn't know who that is.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. He loves Michael Lenocci.
What's your name? AJ. AJ? He didn't sign up to be made fun of, by the way.
Oh, I'm so sorry. So say sorry and say.
I'm sorry, AJ. I attacked you for no reason.

Speaker 2 I apologize. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you an American citizen?

Speaker 2 So am I. We have something in common.
Well, what? I'm barely. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm going to get my car next week.
Where are you from, AJ? Massachusetts. Massachusetts.
Boston?

Speaker 4 North Boston.

Speaker 2 Oh, are you a funny guy? Because a lot of people from Boston are funny.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 That's a no. But that was very funny.
That was funny. The way he did it was good.
Yeah, the response was funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Had some good inflection in it. No, let me ask you something.

Speaker 2 Who gets more girls? You or Ethan?

Speaker 2 I have a girlfriend.

Speaker 2 You're the winner. Is she here right now? No.
Okay. Take that, Ethan, you're in your face, you skinny bastard.
You skinny fucking bitch. Yeah, eat something.
Yeah, you skinny fuck. Yeah.

Speaker 2 All right, AJ. AJ, thank you.
AJ, you're the man. Thank you, AJ.
Yeah. He brings these, look at, he brings these kids here.
Can I ask you something? Yeah. Do you make them come or do you go, hey,

Speaker 2 do you guys want to come? Awful way to ask this question.

Speaker 2 Do you make these kids come?

Speaker 2 It's like, isn't there? There's got to be a million ways to ask them.

Speaker 2 Do you make these kids...

Speaker 2 No, don't start with that way. That's the way that way.
Do you. Oh, how about this? I got it, right?

Speaker 2 Do you make these young adults come?

Speaker 2 I got it. Right, yeah.
That's legal. Do you make them come? I do not.

Speaker 2 They do it voluntarily. They do it voluntarily.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's see if that holds up in court, Fancy. Yeah, yeah.
So, do you, but is it like a credit that they get, or is that real? Yeah, they get a credit. Okay.
So, Fancy's a teacher?

Speaker 2 Hey, I don't. Don't.
Go to fuck, man. You got to plug me in.
What's going on with you? I love you, man.

Speaker 2 Well, why don't you inquire? Inquire. Yeah, yeah.
What do you do, Fancy?

Speaker 2 What the fuck? Why are the kids?

Speaker 2 I do teach a class, Doc. Oh, you do? Okay.
Yeah. I didn't know that shit.
What's it called? Quinnet Piac. Quinnepiac.
Quinnepia. Yeah.
It's a school that, this is the irony of this thing.

Speaker 2 It's a school that actually is located in Massachusetts, right? In Connecticut. In Connecticut.
What's a fucking dude? And then they come here every summer. He's had kids come.
Okay. Young adults.

Speaker 2 And then he does a summer program with them where he forces them to come to things. Okay.

Speaker 2 Is it a film class? It is. What do you teach them? It's an entertainment class, like a little introduction to film, television, PR, marketing.
But did these,

Speaker 2 bring in a random girl.

Speaker 2 Let's get a girl in here, and I'm going to ask them what their dream is and stuff like that. Well, let Pete pick somebody.
Yeah, Pete, somebody to Pete. Look at it.
He just points. Yeah, yeah.
You.

Speaker 2 That one. By the way, in the meantime, Jules.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Hi.
Hi. You know, we're going to to be in.

Speaker 2 Let's give it up for Carlos. Carlos.
Let's eat the coffee.

Speaker 2 The greatest coffee god.

Speaker 2 Oh, I wanted some milk. Jesus Christ, Starbucks.
What's your name? Thank you. Hi.
Come on in. Come on in.
Don't be scared. What's your name? Liz.
Hi, Liz. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Speaker 3 That's a very good question for asking.

Speaker 2 You're welcome.

Speaker 2 I have a very good question. Good stall.

Speaker 4 Something in TV.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Like writing, producing?

Speaker 2 Wherever they'll take me.

Speaker 2 I like vague dreams like that. That was me.
Because Because anything that happens. That was you.
That was me.

Speaker 2 Because anything that happens, you go, I made it. You're in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Liz, so what year are you? Senior? I'm going to be a senior.
Okay, right. And next year will be a senior year.
So

Speaker 2 you're not, are you prepared for the real world a little bit? Like, do you have something in mind that you think you're going to get into?

Speaker 4 I don't even know. I mean, I'm doing an internship now, so we'll see where that goes.

Speaker 2 Cool. Do you think they should be mic'd?

Speaker 2 I think they should be mic'd if we're going to ask them questions. Doc, swing the mic over.
Hold on. Yeah.
Okay. We can't hear her.
Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah.
Poor Doc. Well, it doesn't come off.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, just do that. You know what this means to me and that I don't mind is that how much more editing Fancy has to do with it.

Speaker 2 I actually kind of love it. All right, so where did you grow up? New Jersey.
Oh, okay. You can get close to that.
You can get close to that mic.

Speaker 2 You can physically see your clothes. Your body closes, not your head.

Speaker 2 Is it production or is it writing or production? Oh, production. Well, that's a pretty easy job to get, I think.
No?

Speaker 2 It depends on what you want to do. Yeah.
I mean, like, what do you, what do you really, tell, be honest. What do you want to? And by the way, let's say this.
You could reach high.

Speaker 2 Me and this piece of shit are stand-up comedians.

Speaker 2 We both started at the bottom of our respective fields. And I got to tell you, he'll probably admit this too.

Speaker 2 I was so afraid to admit to people that I wanted to be a stand-up comedian for a long time or an actor because I was afraid of people being like,

Speaker 2 you're never going to make it. But isn't that true?

Speaker 2 You didn't want to, we always hit it because you're scared people are gonna make fun of you for it but i gotta tell you i did do the tonight show five years in

Speaker 2 jayleno fine where are you now doing bad friends

Speaker 2 but you know can i say this is real um you should really reach i honestly i i don't believe that i don't believe that you mean that

Speaker 2 this is what i believe no i was afraid to admit it i'm saying she probably has the dream and she doesn't want to admit it to us yeah but internally we reach for the stars internally i envision everything.

Speaker 2 The big house. Right? I'm there now.
Whatever I have now, I'm fine with. Yeah, me too.
Everything that I envisioned. You want more.
You want more.

Speaker 2 I know you want more. You want so much more.
I want a little bit more. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.

Speaker 2 I've got a one-bedroom, half-bath, and I'm comfortable with that. No, he lives in a mansion.
He's a six-bed, six-bath. He lives in the mansion.
And his guest house is a four-bed, four-bath.

Speaker 2 So my point is, is please dream big.

Speaker 2 Okay, so give us like the ultimate. There's no rules.

Speaker 2 The perfect scenario for you would be what? No rules, and don't think it's too out of reach. Talk show host.
Talk show hosts. See, now she admitted it.
That's cute.

Speaker 2 That's all she needed. That's great.
That's all we needed was to propose. That's great.
Well, then here's

Speaker 2 great. Here's Liz.
Liz, what? What's your last name? Ippolita.

Speaker 2 That's got to go.

Speaker 2 No. No, no, no.
Liz Ippy. Liz.

Speaker 2 Ippy. No, your name is just Ippy.

Speaker 2 I-P-P-Y? Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ippy. I'm with the Ippy the Liz.
Ippy the Liz. Ippy the Liz.
And you come out in a lizard suit.

Speaker 2 it's Ippy the Liz.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do lizards do that? That'd be great.
But let me tell you something, Ip Dog. Ippy is a dope name,

Speaker 2 but you cannot. Liz Ippoludo, I mean, who's going to imagine someone in the middle of America

Speaker 2 is going, what's on at 530? Liz

Speaker 2 Apulo. They're never going to remember that.

Speaker 2 They're never going to remember that.

Speaker 2 So if the. If I was a talk show host, it'd be Nippy the Chink.

Speaker 2 Yes. I know

Speaker 2 Gen Z people don't like that kind of humor.

Speaker 2 No, we don't like it. You know what? We don't like it either.
Yeah, we don't like it. I don't like it here.
We don't like it either. So, Ippy Liz,

Speaker 2 we wish you the best of luck because I think you're going to kill it. I think you're going to be a talk to your host.
America, watch out for.

Speaker 2 But if she uses that name, we get royalty kicks.

Speaker 2 5%. Ippy the Liz.
Don't forget. Ippy the Liz.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And whomever you talk, you've got to bring us on the show. Of course.
If you draw me on your show, I'll have to bring you on mine. God bless.
I love it. God bless.

Speaker 2 What network would you prefer to be on? I don't know. NBC is pretty cool.
NBC. NBC is pretty cool.

Speaker 2 It is great. I have a deal there.
Do you? Yeah, I do. Yeah, it'll fall through.
Liz, thank you so much. Liz, let's go for Liz.
Thank you, Liz.

Speaker 2 You're the best. Ippy's the shit.
Ippy's the shit. We like Ippy.
We like Ippy. We like AJ.
We like Ethan. Yeah.
And we only got to hear one of the three, which is good.

Speaker 2 Can you bring your mic back, my friend?

Speaker 2 Well, hold on.

Speaker 2 Let the boys do it.

Speaker 2 In the meantime, let's talk to you, you little scumbag. All right, so I have a little Jules update, if I may.

Speaker 2 She's in a committed relationship. Are you serious?

Speaker 2 You got a motherfucking boyfriend. Give her a round of applause.
She's got a boyfriend, everybody. Yeah.
In a committed relationship. And it's wonderful.
I'm so proud of you. Who is this guy?

Speaker 2 Let's bring up a photo of him. No, no.
Let's bring up a photo of him. Let's do it.
First of all, number one, he has an Instagram. He posts no photos.

Speaker 2 Well, okay, can we please see it, but we won't show it to the audience, but we'll just show it to us in here. She doesn't have...
I've never seen him. You've seen him, yeah.

Speaker 2 But it's they're always blurry, and he's from afar.

Speaker 3 I don't take pictures of us.

Speaker 2 All right, relax, relax, asshole, she's an asshole, asshole, dude. Isn't this crazy? She's 20 years old, right? Yeah, everyone in that room is the exact same age.

Speaker 2 Yet, these they seemed together, mature, sweet, thoughtful. This

Speaker 2 true Americans in that other way. Well, I'm not, I'm an American.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 the truth comes out. The truth comes out.
Yeah. So, wait a minute.
You fell in love.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 You fell in like? Like. You fell in like.
But I asked her, because she's going to the Philippines Saturday for two weeks. You know that, right? I know.
And you might not come back. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, we're going to come back. I'll come back.
You don't know. I might close the border.
I'll come back. I'll come back.
What if Donald Trump's like, Philippines, got to close it?

Speaker 2 What if he pops back up and he wants to close him down?

Speaker 2 He could get it done. Of all people that could get it done out of office, it'd be him.

Speaker 3 I'll just, I don't know, do it illegally.

Speaker 2 Good girl.

Speaker 2 Good girl. That's the American way.
She's going to miss her boyfriend more than me and Kalila.

Speaker 3 No, I said at the Kalila and him equally, but you know.

Speaker 2 Well, let's be honest here.

Speaker 2 Auntie Kalila is her blood. Sure.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 the man that she is going to miss is somebody that she's dating. Are you trying to date your niece? No.
May I say something? Go ahead. Okay, so let me ask you something.

Speaker 2 Have you seen my house?

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. Do you know? I've been to your house.
You've been to my house. Okay.
So if you were going to rent a room at my house, how much do you think that would cost?

Speaker 2 Am I comedy or real? Real.

Speaker 2 A room there would be $1,500. A month.
Yeah, $1,500 a month. Right.
She's been there for three years.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's do the math. Do the math.
$54,000. $54,000, right? Man.
Not a dime did you spend. I love Autistic Pete.

Speaker 2 Watch this. No, seriously.

Speaker 2 Watch this. I'll show you something.
This is insane.

Speaker 2 He can guess. He knows the day of the week.

Speaker 2 You know this trick? Watch this. Watch this.

Speaker 2 October 4th, 1964. Thursday.
Dude.

Speaker 2 What? I'm going to look it up right now.

Speaker 2 I'm going to look it up right now.

Speaker 2 Telling you, he can do it.

Speaker 2 Really? Yes, dude. Go ahead.
I'll look it up while you're talking.

Speaker 2 It's going to blow your mind, dude.

Speaker 2 Hold on, let me get this one first.

Speaker 2 1964. Are you ready? Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is literally going to blow your mind. I said,

Speaker 2 what did I say? I said, October, what did I say? 4th, 1964. No, October, what did I say? 14th, right? Or what did I say? 8th? What did I say? October 4th, 1964? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What did you say? Thursday.

Speaker 2 This is a couple days off.

Speaker 2 I was close, though, right? You were close.

Speaker 2 You were within seven days for sure.

Speaker 2 That's not a talent. It's a Sunday.

Speaker 2 It's a Sunday.

Speaker 2 week.

Speaker 2 Three days away.

Speaker 2 I can get closer. These ticks are off.
Give me another one.

Speaker 2 I can't get closer. Just give me a date.

Speaker 2 I'll give you a date. A date I'll give you is

Speaker 2 March 5th, 1977. March 5th.
Tuesday. March 5th, Tuesday.
Tuesday, my friend. March 5th, 1977.
Yeah. March 5th,

Speaker 2 1977. Holy shit.
What is it? It's a Saturday.

Speaker 2 So we have the same ability.

Speaker 2 We have the same ability. Yeah.
Yeah, Pete, you really let me down. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, that's true. No, don't you know, some kids that have Asperger's are able to do that.
They're able to just guess. It's unbelievable.
They can.

Speaker 2 Well, there is a guy that got hit in the head, you know, and he has that ability. Yeah.
And every date throughout the history of time, he can tell you the day. I know.
You know, Marwin Call.

Speaker 2 You heard about that, right? They made a movie. Yeah, Steve Curl did a movie about it.
There was a guy that got.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know that. He made the little

Speaker 2 toys. The little toys.
Yeah, the little toys. Yeah, yeah.
Marwin calls. It was just such a good, it was a little documentary.
Then they made it a feature film. So let's go back.
You're dating a guy,

Speaker 2 and what's his name?

Speaker 3 I hate his name.

Speaker 2 Oh, God, Rudy, why so mean? God's so mean. You should, yeah.

Speaker 3 It's fine.

Speaker 2 Man, you're such a good partner.

Speaker 2 You hate his name? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Where is he from?

Speaker 3 Santa Clarita.

Speaker 2 Santa Clarita. So he's from here.
He's from Los Angeles, Southern California. He's also Filipino.
Ooh, got one of your own. Yeah.
That's good. Chisel face.
Very handsome. Good looking kid.

Speaker 2 Good looking kid. Comes from good stock.
You've met his parents?

Speaker 3 No, because

Speaker 3 his parents are scary because they're Filipino.

Speaker 2 Right, so but you're used to all that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but I'm still scared.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay, can I have an announcement to make? Santa Clarita.
I have an announcement to make. Please.
Last night I saw a movie.

Speaker 2 It was one of the best movies I've seen in 10 years. You're mocking me? No.

Speaker 2 Are you mocking me? No.

Speaker 2 Fucking Topcum Maverick.

Speaker 2 Can you do the theme song again?

Speaker 2 There it is.

Speaker 2 It's the fucking best move I've seen in like 10 years, man. Yeah, I can't wait to go see it.
I'm so excited. I have to go to the bathroom.
It was so good.

Speaker 2 So going with a friend, but we promised we'd wait to go with them when we get back from Hawaii.

Speaker 2 And then there's this beach scene where all the dudes have their shirts off and they're playing football. I could have jerked off in the theater, man.
I'm not gay, though.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it was glistening. Their bodies were glistening.
That? When he was going, oh, like that, I want to stick my dick right in his mouth.

Speaker 2 What a great movie. You've seen the original, right? Hated it.
Really? Did not like it. Why?

Speaker 2 As a kid, I watched it because when you're watching the planes fly, I couldn't figure out who was in what plane, what was really going on, you know? Yeah. But with this movie,

Speaker 2 I could see how that'd be confusing. Who's in what plane, what's going on?

Speaker 2 But in this movie, you know who's in what plane and what's going on. And I believe because it's like they have the technology.
Don't make fun of me, man. Come on, man.
That's the whole show. Exactly.

Speaker 2 Well, I'll keep going. So

Speaker 2 they have the technology where the cameras are in the cockpits. Were they in the cockpits last time? Yeah, but this time, but Tom was flying these planes for real.
Yeah. Just amazing.

Speaker 2 You don't know this? The pacing. This motherfucker has six.
You can look it up how many licenses he has.

Speaker 2 He can fly almost any airborne motorized vehicle, like helicopters, different levels of planes. This motherfucker.
And spaceships to see Xenu.

Speaker 2 Do you know this story? He asked NASA that he wanted to make a movie about NASA, and

Speaker 2 he said, we'll do all this and have funding for NASA. You have to let me walk outside of the space shuttle when we go up there.
And they were like,

Speaker 2 I don't think so. What do you mean, walk out? He wants to go outside of the shuttle in space.
I know. Oh, he he wants to do a space walk.
In a sense. With no suit, probably.
Thank you, Duck.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. He wants to go without a suit.

Speaker 2 He wants to go without a suit and then blow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, yeah, you guys. Yes.
He wants to go outside of the shuttle, which but you think it might have to do with Scientology and that he wants, like, he has a spacecraft waiting for him.

Speaker 2 Like, I want to go outside so I could get picked up by my

Speaker 2 Xenu and the peeps. Whoa, Xenu and the Peeps? Yeah.
Good band. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The Zen the Liz, Zenu and the Peeps.

Speaker 2 Not just conventional aircraft. Tom Cruise is a state-trained to fly jets.
He's state-trained to fly jets.

Speaker 2 He also,

Speaker 2 well, skydiving, diving, scuba diving.

Speaker 2 But where is it? He's got motorcycles, obviously. He has boats, jets.
Yeah. Anyway, he's the fucking best, and the baby blood's got to be flowing lately because he looks good.
What's a baby blood?

Speaker 2 He looks good. He drinks baby blood.
Oh, yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 He drinks a little bit.

Speaker 2 You know what it is? Him and Tom Hanks. Oh, Tom Hanks only does upper half.
He'll drink arms, baby arms, but Cruz will do the whole body. He'll drink all the blood.

Speaker 2 You know that's what happens, Jules? No. In Hollywood.
In Hollywood. If you get famous enough to stay relevant and young, you have to drink baby blood.

Speaker 2 You sacrifice a baby. It's a ritual.
Huh? It's a ritual. It's a ritual.
It's a ritual. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bobby and I are pretty close. We were offered.

Speaker 2 I went, I'm okay with the Diet Coke. I said, I'll take a Diet Coke.

Speaker 2 I prefer maybe geriatric blood. They had this 96-year-old lady, and they were just clubbing her.
And then we put straws in her,

Speaker 2 and we both sipped her right there. Let me ask you something.

Speaker 2 If that was a real thing, if really, if baby blood really made you look younger, would you drink it?

Speaker 2 Are you fucking serious right now? Of course, I would drink it.

Speaker 2 Of course, if I drink it, it kills the baby, though. So what?

Speaker 2 I live long, right? I have a tap. Yeah.
I live in order to have a tap and.

Speaker 2 Like when they do to trees in Canada. Yeah, in Canada.
Yeah, yeah. Like with maple syrup.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Every morning. Yeah, yeah.
Of course, I would drink it.

Speaker 2 I would look like a baby in two days.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Jules, would you drink baby blood if it made you younger or kept you young?

Speaker 3 Yeah, and I'd eat their meat.

Speaker 2 You would eat their meat. Because Philippians,

Speaker 2 they don't waste the meat. They don't waste the baby.
Yeah, they eat the claw and that eat the baby. Well, you and I could finish the blood, give her the meat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, this is nuts.

Speaker 2 I learned about this this weekend. What?

Speaker 2 Steve Fury, you know, you know, Fury, my boy? You know Fury. Steve and Fury.
Took him with me to go do a baby. He's going for me sometimes.
I know. He told me.
We did a show in Tahoe. He ripped.

Speaker 2 It was great. He was awesome.
And then he told me, he was talking about this new gang that he had read or heard about that.

Speaker 2 You won't believe this. To get in the gang, to get into the gang, they have to fist fight someone to the death.
And if and when they beat them, they must eat their heart out of their chest.

Speaker 2 Look it up. Fuck is that? Dude, he was like, he heard about it on a podcast or something on this.
But you're losing members of your gang if you fucking. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 These people are trying to get in the gang. Right.
So they have to fight anybody that they get from the streets. They ain't fighting somebody in the gang.
Look at this. World's most brutal cartoon.

Speaker 2 They're both auditioning to be in the gang, Doc. Right.
They're not actually in the gang. Oh, both.
They're trying to get in. How did you get in the gang?

Speaker 2 You were in the gang. The Gucci boys.
How did you get in the Gucci game? I was like, I'm going to say oh, crack, because that's how I got there.

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Speaker 2 Is it a Hispanic gang? I just want to be asking. Come on.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm sorry, Carlos. My bad.

Speaker 2 Andreas. Well, it's certainly not a Spanish gang.
It's not from Spain. Yeah, yeah.
What would they do? Make clothes for each other? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Junior Fación. Yeah, yeah.
No, Junior Morfaci, and it's a slap fight. They dress each other.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whoever loses has to dress the other man for a week. You know, you have to fucking pick out outfits for him.

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Speaker 2 Smoke less with Zippix Toothpicks. Are you guys having a good time?

Speaker 2 You see what I mean? Yeah. No enthusiasm.
Literally this.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 they're busy thinking about vapes. That's all they're doing.
They're thinking about vape pens

Speaker 2 and fucking TikTok

Speaker 2 and Billie Eilish.

Speaker 2 She's so fucking talented. She's so talented.
It's unbelievable. Yeah.
I watched the thing with her and Letterman. It made me fall in love with her.
She's great.

Speaker 2 I mean, I already liked her, but I was like, she's so lovable, this fucking kid. And the Harry Styles.
Well, I'm sick of his shit. I have to fart.
Go ahead. And the mic? It's your mic.

Speaker 2 Are you serious? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. That's that was.

Speaker 2 You good? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Not really.

Speaker 2 Not really. Fuck, man.
Not really.

Speaker 2 Not really. Not really, pal.
Oh, yeah. So we have a petition right now for Rudy Juliana-Kuhn to meet Harry Styles.

Speaker 2 They've organized, the boys have organized a petition for you to meet Harry Styles, and we have to push this around the internet. We have to have everyone sign this.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So hopefully Harry gets note of this, right? Is that the goal, fans? Exactly. Well, I have a connection, right? So, you know, I did a game show called,

Speaker 2 what was it called? Game On. Game On.
I don't even know what you show.

Speaker 2 So I was on a game show called Game On was me, Rob Gronkowski, Serena,

Speaker 2 Venus Williams, Venus, and Ian Carmel, right? But Ben, I don't know the people. So Ben Winston was the producer.
Great man. You know Ben? James Corden's producer.
Yeah, so James Corden's bird.

Speaker 2 But Ben discovered Harry Styles, right? And they're like really close. He did discover him.
He discovered him because Ben used to produce X Factor where Harry was discovered. Right.
Right.

Speaker 2 That's right. So I have Ben's number and I have, I text him, but I can't.
How do you get into it? Like, go, hey, my niece wants to meet Harry. Can you hook that up? Like, it feels weird and gross.

Speaker 2 Say, I would do it like this. Okay.
Hey, B-Dog. That's how you start it.
Oh, hey, B-Dog. Hey, B-Dog.
He'll love that. Can you write this down, Andres? Yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, B-Dog.
Two Hayes.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, B-Dog. Hey, hey, Big Dog.
Let me repeat it. You know what? I'll write up my notes.
I'll write it and I'll paste it into it. So here we go.

Speaker 2 So, hold on. Notes.
Just give me a second. Notes.
Here we go. So here we go.
Why don't you just let Pete type it? He'll do it right up there.

Speaker 2 No, because when I write it myself, I can memorize it better. Oh.
All right. So I go.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey.
How about three Hayes? Hey, hey, hey, B-Dog.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, because that's like Fat Albert. Hey, hey, hey.
Fat Albert. Fat Albert.
Hey, hey, hey, B-Dog. Yep.
B-Dog.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, B-G. You chilling? You chilling?

Speaker 2 Y'all chillin? Y'all chillin? Ya chillin' good? Or is chilling good, not good? No, yeah, chillin'. Ya chillin.
Ya chillin'? And then just write, that's cool. Yeah, D with a D.
D-A-T-S. That's cool.

Speaker 2 That's cool. No, no, no L.
Cool. That's cool.
That's cool. That's cool.
You know what?

Speaker 2 I'm going to put five O's. Cool.
Yeah. That's cool.

Speaker 2 It's too much. Too singing.
Bring it back.

Speaker 2 So, how many of you have moved? So I have six.

Speaker 2 We do have our Resident Culture critic.

Speaker 2 I have six O's there, so I take two O's out. You'll take two of them.
So So that's cool. That's good.
Yeah, that's good. Nice and quick.
So hey, hey, dog.

Speaker 2 Wait, B-Dog. Sorry.
B-Dog. Sorry.
Hey, hey, hey, B-Dog. You chilling? That cool? That's.
With an S. Oh, S for my bad.
That's cool. That's cool.

Speaker 2 And then write the letter N.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait. E.
Wait, wait, hold on, hold on. Way.
Any way. N-E-E.
Oh, oh, N. I thought you was about to spail something else, dude.
Way. N-E-Way.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's fight.

Speaker 2 I thought he was about to spell something else to you.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. I was like,

Speaker 2 it was a hard N. Yeah, it was a hard N.

Speaker 2 One letter scares you. Yeah, yeah, that naturalist is jumping out of you.
It was quick. Fucking easy.
All right.

Speaker 2 Too far. Okay, too far.
Too far. Yeah, yeah.
N-E-E-Way.

Speaker 2 My little niece. Lil' niece.
My little niece cook.

Speaker 2 My cuckoo, little niece.

Speaker 2 I don't know about cuckoo little. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want an adjective in there, though. Bitch ass.
My bitch ass little niece niece. My bitch-ass little niece niece.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 My bitch-ass little niece niece. Yeah, my bitch-ass little niece niece.

Speaker 2 Trying to try and or finna finna meet. Yeah, fendamete.
No, no, no. Fendami.
No, not finally. Watch, Fen, da.
No, no, no, that's not it. It's finna, F-I-N-N-A.
Finn a. No, but I'm doing it my way.

Speaker 2 Fen da meat. M-E-A-T.
Okay. So Fendamiet.

Speaker 2 Fend to going to work. Fendamet.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 H-Styles. H-Styles.
Fendamet, H-Sty.

Speaker 2 I'm going to put Sty. H-STY.
What it do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what it do. What it do.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 If this motherfucker doesn't know what you're talking about and respond positively,

Speaker 2 he's not a great producer. So may I, may I.
Go for it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll stand.

Speaker 2 I think I literally shit my pants earlier.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, and you're right about that. And guess who has to clean clean it? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Bingo, Rudy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I can't stand, so I'm enjoying this. Yeah, don't say that.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, hey, big dog.

Speaker 2 You chilling? That's?

Speaker 2 We'll start from the top.

Speaker 2 You need some pain. Dead S.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey. You're chilling.
Dad S. I put S.
That's cool. Oh, that's that's cool.
You put the, okay, that's why I fucked up.

Speaker 2 Sorry, my bad. My bad.
I'm starting over, right?

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, hey, big dog. Fuck.

Speaker 2 Shut up, man. Because I'm going to text it.
I'm not going to say it. Do I think this is what happens on set when you do stuff? I do think it's.
Oh, 100%.

Speaker 2 Oh, 100%. I can feel it.
And producers are going. And the director's going.
And the director's going like this. We have to replace him.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And yeah. And they're like,

Speaker 2 who knows Dr. Ken? Who knows?

Speaker 2 Right. So.
Hey, hey, hey, big dog.

Speaker 2 You chillin'? That's cool.

Speaker 2 Nee and E-Way.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 My bitch knees in.

Speaker 2 Fender meet.

Speaker 2 H-sty?

Speaker 2 What'd it do? Perfect.

Speaker 2 Dude, he's going to love it. He's going to respond so positively to that.
Dude, a lot of charisma, this guy. You're going to send that text within minutes.

Speaker 2 He's going to call. Yeah.
Hey, what's up? He's like,

Speaker 2 I've got a meeting already. He's got English.
He's got his English. Yeah, obviously.
That was a very good. Thank you.

Speaker 2 So we're going to get, if it, let's just say this, this text, this gibberish goes through and Ben is like, okay, I can link it up. Would you leave your boyfriend?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, that fast.
Yeah. So don't take too much weight.

Speaker 3 I just need like a boxer's or like a brief from Harry Styles.

Speaker 2 Oh, you want his underwear? Yeah. Not washed.
Wow. Not washed.

Speaker 2 After maybe like a concert.

Speaker 2 A tour. Yeah, so it's just like kind of musty.
What if every day on tour he wore this show underwear and took it off and never washed and then put it on for every show?

Speaker 2 You want that kind of underwear. And then what would you do with it?

Speaker 3 I'll just smell it every night.

Speaker 2 Yup.

Speaker 2 It's insane. Dude, it's insane.
Okay, so there's about five or six women in the room over there, right? There's girls in the room over there. So girls,

Speaker 2 you could just yell yes or no. Is this something you also want to do?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Bring better kids next time.

Speaker 2 The other night I was at the store. I was in the main room performing.

Speaker 2 And so

Speaker 2 I go,

Speaker 2 I was doing this physical bit, right? And there was a guy in the front row, and he wasn't laughing, right? Uh-oh. And I go, what, bro? That shit wasn't funny to you.
And he goes, I'm blind.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. Right.
And I go, well, then see better. Or I just said something, right?

Speaker 2 And I just lost the audience. Yeah.
I think if you make fun of a blind guy, they say, Yeah, but I didn't know he didn't have a thing or nothing. Have you ever had that?

Speaker 2 Like, were you fucked up with an audience member or no? I've actually had, I had a train, I had a signer because I've had deaf people at shows before.

Speaker 2 And once I saw where the deaf person was, yeah, I couldn't stop looking at him. Like, I just wanted to, I wanted to see because

Speaker 2 I'm the deaf guy, right? And you're this is the audience. I'm off to the side.
No, they're in the audience. I know, but I'm just saying, but I could tell who's signing.

Speaker 2 Do the joke in front of, but then keep looking at me. All right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But don't laugh. All right.
Don't you wish, don't you wish they remade American films in Asian?

Speaker 2 I'm doing your bit.

Speaker 2 You know, like

Speaker 2 Braveheart.

Speaker 2 Don't do my joke, man. Don't do my joke.
Sons of Starliner.

Speaker 2 Don't do my joke. Don't do it to my joke.

Speaker 2 I just kept going. I kept going like this every hour.
Yeah, yeah. I kept looking over because I wanted to see if he was enjoying it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he was, but it was in my mind because they're good. The signers are amazing.
Yeah. They're amazing.
They are amazing. But I was also like,

Speaker 2 is this getting, is there anything that she's not going to get that, do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. She's not doing a translating translating that shit.
Well, she was killing it.

Speaker 2 She was like, her face was wild. It's amazing.
I have a friend that does it, Cap Brewer. She did a documentary about it.
But it was like, I kept, I couldn't stop. Once I saw it, I was like,

Speaker 2 he's right there. Yeah.
I couldn't stop staring at him. I was fascinated.
One time I was in

Speaker 2 Indiana with Pauli Shore.

Speaker 2 And a mother came up to me in my face. She goes, My son has Down syndrome.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
And you're like, same? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I I love to meet you. He's like, did a bit about it.
Yeah. And it was just like, you know, off-putting.
What was the bit?

Speaker 2 Was the bit off-putting?

Speaker 2 Well, the bit was like, you know. What's up with people with Down syndrome? All right.
Thank you. Good night, Indiana.
That's it.

Speaker 2 No, the bit was,

Speaker 2 you know, immigrants, my dad doesn't, you know, immigrants, they don't have a filter. Right.
Like they just, whatever they, whatever they think they say. So I was dating this girl.

Speaker 2 I go, this is my girl, my girlfriend, Kathy, whatever. He goes, when Bobby was eight, he was molested by a guy with Down syndrome.

Speaker 2 With the bit, right? Right. Right? I'm like, okay, thanks, bad dad.
And then taking the girl away. But it's true.
It is a true joke, right? I was molested by a guy with Down syndrome when I was a kid.

Speaker 2 So true, so true, true. Right, but then she got so angry.
Maybe she was also molested by somebody. You think that's what the thing is? Do you think that

Speaker 2 she was a liar? Her son wasn't, maybe had Down syndrome. Right.
Maybe her son. Yes.

Speaker 2 What if her son was the guy that molested you?

Speaker 2 Ah.

Speaker 2 And you're out there spreading his Scottish Oh, right. And she's just to protect her molesting son.

Speaker 2 Oh, I see. That's a good mother.
Yeah. What can you say? What a great mother.
What a great mom, you know? Rudy, let's get back to you real fast, okay? All right. So this boy,

Speaker 2 Abraham, that you're dating.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He, so

Speaker 2 did you say, I want to make it official?

Speaker 3 No, me, the guy, Abraham.

Speaker 2 Well, you're...

Speaker 2 That's not his name. That's not his name.
I know, dude. Okay.
He said, I want you to be my girlfriend. Yeah.
Formally, like that. Yeah.
Did you ever do that to a girl?

Speaker 2 Did you ever say, Will you be my girlfriend? Or was it kind of an assumption thing all the time? It just happens. It was always an assumption.
Was that always an assumption for you?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. What about you, too?

Speaker 2 Huh? No, an assumption. You just.
No, I know, but I've never said, um, will you be my girlfriend?

Speaker 2 Have you done that? Fancy has done that. You know he has.
Have you done that? Of course he has. Look at him.
Oh, what a soft head. I've done it too.
You have? Yeah. And have they said, no? Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, they said yes.

Speaker 2 Fancy. Yes.
I got a lot of those. I heard that often.
Because that moment of the, because I wouldn't know what to do. You couldn't handle the no.
Yeah, so here's, this is what I would do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm the girl.

Speaker 2 What a lovely evening. Yeah, it's actually kind of nice.
I really appreciate you taking me out to this restaurant. We've been here twice, but thank you.

Speaker 2 I love how the sunbeams are shining in my eyeballs.

Speaker 2 And the sunset on you. No, that sunset looks great, and the sun

Speaker 2 reflecting off your eyes are nice. Yeah.
It's beautiful. I have little eyes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 FYI. You're totally little.
Everything's a little about me. Everything's still about me.
Yeah. Yeah.
Your body,

Speaker 2 penis. You're gross.

Speaker 2 We'll see. We'll see.

Speaker 2 Anywho.

Speaker 2 I'm starving. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, you know, I'm sorry this line at McDonald's is long.
Here's the chef. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that what you call the people that work at McDonald's? A chef? Well, you took me here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was cool there. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, hi, sir. Yeah, so we'll have a number one.

Speaker 2 I like the kids, the kids' meal.

Speaker 2 Happy meal. The happy meal is that what they call the happy meal? Yeah, the happy meal.
Is there a toy? Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a happy meal.
Okay. Thank you.

Speaker 2 What would you like? I'll just have a McFlurry.

Speaker 2 That's it? Yeah. Yeah.
You can spend all you want.

Speaker 2 It's his money. So just go on.
You know what? I'll take a McFlurry too as well. You want one? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll take a number one then, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.
Anyway, you want to sit? Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so we've been hanging out for the last eight years.

Speaker 2 Just about eight and a half. About eight and a half years, right?

Speaker 2 And we met in jiu-jitsu school. Yeah, we did.
Yeah. Gracie at Gracie Jiu Jitsu.
Gracie Jiu Jitsu over there in Glendale. Yep.
And wow, you know, can I say something?

Speaker 2 For a girl, you really know how to put somebody in a Kimura in the best way. Thank you.
Yeah, it really hurts. And I tap out really quick.
I tap out every time. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right, right? It's really cool. You know, and I know that you live with four guys.

Speaker 2 Four guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they're your just friends? We just added a fifth.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's a one-bedroom apartment.
It's weird. It's a studio.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
So four, five guys now in a one-bedroom. Yeah, like the burger joint.
Like the burger joint. Yeah, guys.

Speaker 2 They're really buff. All of them are strong.
They're very strong. They're all either competitive weightlifters or they all own a CrossFit gym.
Right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And isn't one of them like doing kind of light porn?

Speaker 2 It's OnlyFans.

Speaker 2 Oh, is that what they call it? Yeah, it's OnlyFans. OnlyFans.
Yeah, it's OnlyFans. He showed me the photo a couple of weeks ago.
Very big penis. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whose vagina was that in? I think it was one of his friends. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 I mean, I'm one of his friends, but I don't think it was mine. Yeah.
It was one of his friends. All right, because you have red hair and she had a red hair down there.

Speaker 2 Anyway, yeah, but they have a lot of red-headed friends. That's true.
Yep. Yeah.
Probably. Anyway, are you enjoying your McFlur?

Speaker 2 McFlurry?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you enjoying your McFlurry? So much. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Mine too. It's so crunchy.

Speaker 2 The bits in it. Yeah.
Yeah, there's cookie prick.

Speaker 2 There's cookie bits in it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Right.
And it's crunchy. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Anyway, the happy wheel's great.
No toy. Didn't get a toy.

Speaker 2 That's okay. It's okay.
Will you be my... No.

Speaker 2 All of a sudden,

Speaker 2 one of my roommates walks in. All five of my roommates walks in.

Speaker 2 Three beautiful big men

Speaker 2 pick me up and they just tag team me right in front of me. They run a train on it.

Speaker 2 Hey, she from the streets.

Speaker 2 She's from the streets.

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Yeah. Sorry, I would say.
That would really hurt.

Speaker 2 If you got to know. But you know, it's funny because some of that's true.
I asked a girl out. I slid a note under her door at freshman year of college.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I slid a note in her dorm. I slid a note underneath on my hallway.
And then I saw the guy that she would later fuck, who became kind of a friend of mine later. I saw them laughing at the note.

Speaker 2 No. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That one hurt a lot. Yeah.
I'll one up you. Because I think I said real stupid shit in that fucking note.
Was it a, it was our yes and no answer thing? No, no, no.

Speaker 2 I just wrote like a long, like, I just think you're so cool and beautiful and I love your style and taste in music. Whatever the fuck I said.
And I watched them laugh at the note. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 2 I also asked a girl in high school to

Speaker 2 spring or one of those things. And she said no.
And I said, oh, do you already have a date? And she said, no, but there is a guy I'm waiting that I really want to have asked to ask me. Oh.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it hurt. It hurt.
Yeah. Do you think that that has motivation for you to do stand-up and all that stuff? Do you use that as motivation? No.
Okay. Okay.
No. It has nothing to do with anything.

Speaker 2 It's just, it's awful. You just, you take the hit and you're bummed.
Yeah. And you're like, well, that's really fucking sad.
And you look at them differently.

Speaker 2 You know, you're like, oh, I guess you're better than me. Yeah.
And that's okay. You got to know where you are on the ladder.
Is that what it is? I'm not. They were probably better than me.
No. No.

Speaker 2 No, they probably were. They were both probably better looking.

Speaker 2 They were out of my league, maybe. Because Because when I worked at Panican, I worked at a coffee shop called The Panican in La Jolla.
And there was this kid named Ben who was a little person.

Speaker 2 Yeah, an El Pizzle. A little pizza, right?

Speaker 2 But he was a little person, but he had tattoos, which was cool. They can't get tattoos.
Yeah, they only can get one. Yeah.
But it fills their whole body.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Just give me a whole sleeve.

Speaker 2 Just one tattoo.

Speaker 2 Why did I do the munching? I don't know. I love it, though.
Brad Williams, one of our good friends. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And he always got women. Yeah.
Right? Like, he's always on dates with the hottest chicks you've ever seen. Yeah, but was he good looking? Not really.
Oh. He's just confident.
He swang to prices.

Speaker 2 And I remember going, hey, Ben, how do you get so many girls? Hey, Lee. He used to call me Lee, which drove me crazy.
He looked up at me. Hey, Lee, right?

Speaker 2 At least I try. Wow.
You don't try.

Speaker 2 I go to bat, buddy. He does.
Yeah. And I learned to.
He's got a lower strike zone, but yeah, he does go to battle.

Speaker 2 So I'm going to tell you the most painful thing. I was working at a restaurant, and there was a waitress there that I fell in love with and I hung out with her for two years

Speaker 2 but but secretly in love with her oh like I would like go to coffee shops thinking you knowing that she sometimes goes and just run into her so you'd wait for I wait I would spend eight ten hours at a coffee shop just I wonder if she's gonna come in here so the new generation they like the kids the gen they call it stalking yeah

Speaker 2 that's what you're doing they call it stalking that's a new generation

Speaker 2 but it's okay because back then it was the difference mating mating mating Yeah, yeah. Back then we called it mating.
When we club him over the head,

Speaker 2 we take him with us. Right.

Speaker 2 To the cave.

Speaker 2 So one day she starts dating. I found out that she starts dating another waiter from the restaurant.
Fuck. Right?

Speaker 2 And I'm devastated. Right.
Is he hot? Well, they got married. He's pretty hot.
Oh, no. You have kids.
He was hot. Yeah, he's pretty hot.
Are their kids hot? Very hot.

Speaker 2 So this all worked out for the past. It worked really good for them.
Yeah, I guess this is. And he has money.
Oh, well,

Speaker 2 you have money. Yeah, but it took me.
I'm 50 now. You're 50? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So. Anyway,

Speaker 2 so one day I go, hey, let's go to this party. She goes, I feel sick.
I'm not going to the party. And I go, okay, I'm going to go.
I went to the party. I'm hanging out.

Speaker 2 And there's a lot of people there. She's upstairs sucking some guy's dick in the bath.

Speaker 2 Really? So check it out, right? Oh, no. Yeah, it gets worse.
So I go, oh, she's, what? She's here? She's not sick?

Speaker 2 No, she's upstairs. in one of the rooms, right? So like an idiot, I go and I open the door.
Oh, no. Yeah.
and let me guess fucking this guy.

Speaker 2 She's fucking a guy the guy from the she's at a room at a party. Right.
Fucking a guy. I do.
You start fucking him. No.

Speaker 2 Like an idiot. I just go in the room.
I just sit down. You sit out? Yeah, yeah.
Get out of here. And then they stop.
Then they stop. Well, yeah.
And they're looking at me like, what?

Speaker 2 And I go, oh, sorry. And I left and I went across the street and I beat up a tree.

Speaker 2 Fucking tree. And I had blood all over my hands.
I was beating up a tree. Damn it.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Damn it. You know what I mean? He's crying, too.
You know what I mean? Oh, Lord. I was saying, Lord,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 2 Dang it. Whatever, right? And I remember, but then.
Can you imagine? They're done fucking. They're both smoking a cigarette and looking out the window like little Korean guy's beating up a tree again.

Speaker 2 You got it, Lee. Go get it, buddy.
Right. So then I, um, but I remember I was probably 22 years old at the time.

Speaker 2 And I remember going, when I was being up, I remember going, if I don't do something drastic with my life, I'm never going to make it. You've been beating up trees forever.

Speaker 2 Yeah, beating up trees over there. Right? So at 23 is when I started doing stand-up.
I thought he was going to say he was like 14, but 20, god damn.

Speaker 2 So that was that, that was the impetus for all this for stand-up. Was this a little bit more? I think it was, yeah.
I think it was the impetus of like, I can't be doing this. This is weird.

Speaker 2 Well, thank God this girl fucked this guy in front of you and you beat up trees because then you wouldn't be a good stand-up. Don't you think that's kind of great? Yeah.
In retrospect, yeah.

Speaker 2 But, you know, at

Speaker 2 the poor tree. What did I do?

Speaker 2 Just because you have a little dick.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, it was terrible.
Have you ever had your heart broken, Rudy?

Speaker 2 Um

Speaker 3 just one time when I confess to a grade a guy that's a grade above me

Speaker 3 and then he just laughed at me.

Speaker 2 Laughed at you? Well, what did you say? How did you say it? I'll be the guy. Go ahead.

Speaker 3 I gave him.

Speaker 2 Just

Speaker 2 reenact it this is a podcast all right look at me right we're gonna teach you to be an actor all right so look at me right now and just i'm the guy what's up

Speaker 2 is it in the philippines yeah what's up

Speaker 2 what's up how you do

Speaker 3 um this is for you this is a letter

Speaker 2 this is chocolate okay

Speaker 2 That's what he did?

Speaker 2 Kind of, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, that must have been four years. What an asshole.
Where is he now?

Speaker 3 I don't know. I haven't talked.

Speaker 2 Probably. And who has 100,000 followers on Instagram? Yeah.
You do. Yeah.
Fuck you, guy. Fuck you, guy.
Fucking. How about you, little man? Well, what happened to me?

Speaker 2 Y'all laughing already.

Speaker 2 You know it's what happened. Yeah, what happened to me? Well, what happened? What happened to me?

Speaker 2 There's one chick I was hollering at, talking to her for about three, four months on the phone straight back and forth. I met her at a bar, right? I hit no bar at the party.

Speaker 2 So she was like, finally, she was like, okay, we and you, we can get in. I was like, get in, okay.
So she asked me to come to the hotel. I get to the hotel and I'm ready.

Speaker 2 And there's a guy waiting by the door.

Speaker 2 And so I walk up to the guy and I'm like, what's up with you? He said, well, I'm waiting on Patrice and she in there with another kid. And she told me to come here.
And I said, what?

Speaker 2 She told me to come here too. And I said, fuck.
So, like,

Speaker 2 here I am.

Speaker 2 Don't fucking laugh, bro. I'm not laughing.
I'm not laughing. I'm so sad.

Speaker 2 Like, I fucking spent all this time, like, talking to this bitch, and she had

Speaker 2 a dude inside fucking

Speaker 2 and another dude waiting at the door. So, you had to wait.

Speaker 2 Two guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You were last in line.
I was last in line. Nobody, no, you were the kaboos.
She asked this guy to come. Yeah, first guy.
Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 That was like the most bizarre shit that I've ever done. How long did you wait? I waited a little while.

Speaker 2 I needed some goddamn answers. You know what I'm saying? You know what he was doing? He was waiting for that second guy to maybe leave.
Right. Because then he'd have been like, you know, I am next.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Was there anyone behind you? Nah, it's just us. It's just us two.
But it was just

Speaker 2 for her to do some shit like that. No.

Speaker 2 No, that's really normal. No.
You went to a hotel to go see a child. You got to get the time.
Get the fuck out of here. No.
She's having sex with a guy and the guy's waiting outside.

Speaker 2 That's how Pete met his wife.

Speaker 2 Pete was first. He was the one that waited, huh? He was the one that waited.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute, though.

Speaker 2 So you talked to this guy and then you dipped out. Did you ever speak to her again? Did you say, hey, man, yeah, I called her, and then she said, well, you should have just waited anyway.
And I go

Speaker 2 like, what? You should have waited. You should have waited.
Why would I wait? Because what? Because what did you take a shower? First of all, it was like

Speaker 2 at least a 25-minute drive to the goddamn hotel. Well, that's what I'm saying.
You drove all that way.

Speaker 2 That's funny. Yeah.
Man, y'all are tripping. No, no, no.
Listen, just talk this out. Don't get angry, okay?

Speaker 2 Hear me out, all right? You spent all that money going over there, right? There's a little line. We went to Magic Mountain.
Yeah, we did. We waited.
And we waited on the ride. Yeah, we did.
Right?

Speaker 2 What do we, the most we waited, what? Six minutes. Five, six minutes.
Five, six minutes. We did a fast pass.
We did a fast pass. But if we didn't have a fast pass,

Speaker 2 it would have been.

Speaker 2 You should have got a fast pass. You should have got a fast pass.

Speaker 2 In the front line, you would have the hotel down on a fast pass, right? And you would have cut in front of the guy, and you were like, oh, man.

Speaker 2 And you, you know what? You might have not been too tall enough to go on the ride.

Speaker 2 Would have been. Yeah, the guy that was in front of me, he wasn't.
He was taller. He was definitely taller.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. You text her.
He's like, no, I'm going to show up, but could I get a fast pass?

Speaker 2 Maybe. Yeah.
So you never talked to me that person. That hurt the most.
I know. I talked to her.
I called her, and when we talked on the phone, like I said, she told me that I should have waited.

Speaker 2 I'm saying after that. No.
You didn't continue to push it.

Speaker 2 I don't play that shit. It just was like, what the fuck? Why would you have me come all the way out there? And you knew what the fuck.
Like, to me, she just was just fucked up in the head.

Speaker 2 I've never had that happen. No, that's crazy.
That's crazy. No, that's crazy.
That's crazy. What else? Have you ever heard? Are you heartbroken again?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn, God. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Give me a heartbreaking story.

Speaker 2 Okay, so I was, so I was fucking this chick that had a boyfriend, right?

Speaker 2 So she. Good start.
Okay,

Speaker 2 okay. So now she breaks up with this dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can I guess why? And then, whatever.

Speaker 2 So then she was like,

Speaker 2 I guess, automatically assuming we were together.

Speaker 2 She did. She did.
Uh-huh. So then she thought we were together.
And then one day after we had sex, she starts crying on me. Right.
I'm like, what the fuck? Why are you crying?

Speaker 2 That's how you see this? What the fuck?

Speaker 2 Why are you crying? Yeah, what the fuck? Why are you crying? What is this? No, it's like, hey, sweetie, why are you crying? No, man. All right, that's how you see this.

Speaker 2 It was, yeah, back then it was like, what you crying for? Was it the 50s? Like, yeah. And then

Speaker 2 back then went. No, because it was no reason for her.

Speaker 2 She just had a good time. I'll just get back in the kitchen.
Oh, but she fucked with Pochet. It was no reason for her to cry.
All right, so why are you crying? So I said, why are you crying?

Speaker 2 And then she goes, well, I hate to tell you this, but last week I made a steak and went back and slept with my ex-boyfriend.

Speaker 2 So then I said, that's cool because last week I had slept with two other women, so we're even. And then she slept.
We're not even. We are even.
Two and one? I don't know. That's even.

Speaker 2 In any sporting event, if it's two against one, if two and one,

Speaker 2 somebody's winning.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Someone has two goals. Yeah.
And then someone has one goal. Right.
The person, the team with two goals? Yeah. They won.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
You didn't know how that worked?

Speaker 2 I knew how it worked, but I'm just saying, like,

Speaker 2 to me, we were even. Because to me, we both could have got AIDS.
You know what I'm saying? You fucking around.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait. You don't wear a condom? Sometimes, but sometimes, you know what I'm saying? We know what it is, Bobby.
No, you don't back it. You know what I'm saying? With the two girls.

Speaker 2 Did you rod out with the two girls?

Speaker 2 Okay. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you did, you did. One of them I did.
That's true. One of the women I did.
Why did you jump to AIDS?

Speaker 2 Cause I just look at it like

Speaker 2 of all the shit

Speaker 2 to AIDS. Of all the other things, like pregnancy or STD.

Speaker 2 We all could have had AIDS.

Speaker 2 What? That's just how I look at it. Whether it's one or two,

Speaker 2 we could both get it. It doesn't matter.
You know what I'm saying? AIDS is out there. Right.
And I was like, you was fucking with me when you had a boyfriend. So what the fuck?

Speaker 2 How was I supposed to know?

Speaker 2 What? This broke your heart? This broke

Speaker 2 my heart.

Speaker 2 She stopped talking to me. Yeah.
And I was like,

Speaker 2 that's not a fucking heartbreaking story, dude.

Speaker 2 This is what we asked you, and you're like, what do I, what do I say here?

Speaker 2 You just fucking pull out a random story from your past.

Speaker 2 What do you want me to do? Don't. This ain't that.
You don't have a random story, man. I don't have like a brick heartbreak like that.

Speaker 2 What the hell? Say that. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, what? But even that wasn't a heartbreak. What you said, because was that a heartbreak, that story he told? Which one? When he walked in on a whore.
Yeah, that's heartbreaking. That's a heartbreak.

Speaker 2 She wasn't a heart whore on someone I loved. I'm still friends with you.
Y'all wasn't with them. Y'all weren't together.
How do you love somebody you're not with? It's called unrequited love.

Speaker 2 You never heard of that? No, you ever heard of Fatal Attraction? That's what the fuck that was. You were fucking crazy.

Speaker 2 You are fucking crazy.

Speaker 2 Beat up a tree. I didn't beat up a tree.
Yeah, yeah. You're right.
Yeah, you went in with her.

Speaker 2 What the fuck is wrong with you? And then you sat there and watched him like something. So

Speaker 2 I understand that. I understand where I went wrong, but still it broke my heart.
What I'm saying is, is that the story that you told, it didn't really break your heart. But I was fucking.
You wasn't.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He was fucking. That's true.
That's just. At the end of the day, he wasn't.
So what you're saying to me is, let me just ask you, I don't know why you're getting angry, but let's just

Speaker 2 pull back a little bit. Let me just say this, okay? So what you're saying to me is that when you have feelings for somebody, there has to be sex.
Yes. No.

Speaker 2 We're intense to the kind of feelings you're displaying, punching trees and shit. Who does that? Yeah, but I hung out with her every single day.

Speaker 2 We really wanted to have her. We hung out every single day for two years.
We took trips together. You know what I mean? Oh my God.
And

Speaker 2 I just kind of fell in love with her. Bobby don't know this word.
What's that word called, Tino? Huh? Simping? Goddamn simp. That's all he was, Rachel.
Simp and simping. What does simply? Dude,

Speaker 2 I'm a simp. You are a simp.
I'm a simp. You be simping hard.
Hard. All right.
She knows what simp means.

Speaker 2 What does simp mean it's like you're crazy she simps for harry styles yeah make sense yeah like you'd do anything for him for simp is a slang i'm a simp but it's for men men who are seen as too attentive uh too attentive and submissive to women especially out of a failed hope of winning some entitled sexual attention

Speaker 2 doc gets mean when he gets drunk so You get mean when you get drunk. Yeah, you're so mean to me.
No, man, fuck you. Yeah.
I'm a simp, okay? I was a simp back then. Ain't nothing wrong with that, bro.

Speaker 2 You were simping hard. I was simping hard, but I did have feelings, and it did break my heart.
Yeah, it did. It broke your little simp.
Yeah, yeah. So, why is that?

Speaker 2 I mean, why can't both the things be true? It is. They are true.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're so mean right now. I was being mean to you so mean to me.
Okay, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 2 Wow. I don't feel the thing yet, but I'm going to tell you.
I know, man. That's.
What? It's nothing. Like, you don't.
You didn't have anything. Yeah.
Well.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I, but there's something called unrequited love. It's been in poetry, themes.

Speaker 2 Oh, Bobby, I didn't know you were so. That was so like great expectation.
Like, that's beautiful. You ever seen great expectations? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But whatever. That's what he is.
Except.

Speaker 2 He didn't fuck. Ethan fucked.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Back to fucking. Ethan fucked.
But you didn't fuck. Right, right.
He's slinging him because I'm not. He's slinging him.
Yeah, he's loving it.

Speaker 2 I have to defend myself, though, may i defend myself all right right so you have to understand that um i didn't have sex with a woman until i was 23

Speaker 2 until i started doing stand-ups you had sex with a guy before that i sucked a couple of dicks

Speaker 2 a little child a little child

Speaker 2 right but i sucked three dicks all right but in high school right four four four yeah that's right

Speaker 2 don't count when you're a grown man yeah yeah but i was a kid right so um

Speaker 2 since i was and you know when i was in high school i went to this thing. There was this thing called the Sadie Hawkins dance where the girl asked the guy.
I was never asked, right?

Speaker 2 Girls just didn't like me. Oh, beat me.
Right. And I, and I always liked girls.
Right. And I, you know, I would hang out with girls and I would like them hard.
And I was so scared of rejection, right?

Speaker 2 That I would have feelings for somebody. Right.
But I wouldn't say anything because I was, I didn't want to get my heart broken. Yeah.
Right. Because it's like, like that same thing.

Speaker 2 It's like, do you like me? No. It would shatter me.
It hurts. It would shatter me.
So what I would do is I would just stay in these friendships, right? But have these feelings.

Speaker 2 Right? And then they would see other guys. It would break my heart.
That's all I'm saying. I got two more.
Yeah, go ahead. I just thought of two fun ones.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 There was a girl that I had such a big crush on in college. And like I hung out with her friends and we were in like the group.
We were in like the same group.

Speaker 2 And when I finally had the time that we were going to hook up together, I got so fucking nervous because she was like, finally like down.

Speaker 2 She was kind of like, Yeah, I think, yeah, I think you're cute. Like, yeah, okay.
I stayed late at their house. I go into her room, and then I went down on this girl no less than a half an hour.

Speaker 2 Because I'm not kidding, I was down there, I had done all the moves to get there, and I was going down on her, and I was so scared about coming back up because I didn't know the next move I wanted to make.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so I just stayed down there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, even when I thought, I thought about it. That's not a heartbreak story.
No, no, no. I know.

Speaker 2 jokes.

Speaker 2 But poorly.

Speaker 2 But poorly, but poorly.

Speaker 2 But that's not what we're doing, talking about right now. Well, we had to move on from heartbreak.
All right. Well, I thought you said you had two more heartbreak stories.

Speaker 2 But I went down on her for too long. Yeah.
And she tapped on

Speaker 2 me head. She tapped on me.
Yeah, yeah. At some point, and she goes, that's enough.

Speaker 2 Like, that stayed with me for a long time. Like a parent.
And I'm not kidding.

Speaker 2 I got up and I laid next to her and she took like a big breath and then went to the bathroom and then went back out to the party.

Speaker 2 I have a story that hurts. I have a story.
Because I really liked her.

Speaker 2 Where I fucked up.

Speaker 2 Not Kalila, but the girlfriend before, right? And I feel so bad about this.

Speaker 2 We were making, having, hooking up, right, in the bed, right? And she takes my penis, right? And she kind of tries to do something. Maybe she saw a porn.
She's trying to do something, right?

Speaker 2 And I go, what the fuck? It's not a joystick.

Speaker 2 And she started to cry. Oh, Bob.
Yeah, and she had my, but she still had her hand on my penis. She's like, who is this?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I'm like, oh, why did I say that? What a scene. Yeah, a woman crying, you naked.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
But it's like, don't, you know what I mean? Anyway. Well, but maybe she

Speaker 2 had that. Well, maybe she was playing.

Speaker 2 What was it? Galactica? Galactica. She was playing Galactica.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. No, and then also.

Speaker 2 And then. Do you have another awkward sex story? No, I had another.
Yeah, I was thinking about my other one. The go-down one, that one kind of hurt me emotionally.
That stayed with me.

Speaker 2 I'm not saying it was heartbreak. It's just those kind of things.

Speaker 2 There was a girl that when I first moved here, when I first moved down here, I had met this girl, and I, oh my God, I like literally felt. That was the first time that I was like, so fast.

Speaker 2 I fell for somebody, and I was like, holy shit, I think this girl's the best. We started hanging out, and she had just broken up.

Speaker 2 She had broken up with this other guy, and we were hanging out and hanging out.

Speaker 2 And then we were hooking up, and she was saying my name, Andrew, a lot, like a lot over and over yeah and I was like wow and then the next day she admitted to me her ex-boyfriend's name was Andrew

Speaker 2 and that's part of the only reason why she slept with me was that

Speaker 2 the name was Andrew and she was like

Speaker 2 I did imagine you were him because you have the same name ow Yeah, and then she said, that's enough.

Speaker 2 That'll do. That'll do.
That'll do. That'll do.
That'll do.

Speaker 2 That'll do. Yeah, yeah.
That's really sad. That's pretty sad.
Oh, that one stung. Yeah.
That one stung. A little bit.

Speaker 2 I have an embarrassing story that's not sex related, but with a girlfriend. Give it to me.
All right. So, Sarah,

Speaker 2 not the girlfriend before Kalila, but the girlfriend before The Last Girl. Sure.
Right?

Speaker 2 Tugo. Tugo.
Tugo. Tugo.
Tugo. I just said that.
Tugo. Tugo.
Can we say tonight? Sarah, I just said. You know Sarah.

Speaker 2 You know Sarah. You know Sarah? Yeah, I know Sarah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, she likes vintage shit.
Yeah, she's cool. Yeah, she's like, she likes vintage paintings, vintage.

Speaker 2 She goes to the thrift store a lot, right? And it was Christmas, and her parents were in town, and her parents came up to my house. You know, I sleep in.

Speaker 2 I don't give a fuck about gifts or Merry Christmas. But I realized that, oh, fuck, her parents are coming over, and I have to give Sarah a gift, right?

Speaker 2 So I found this painting in my house that's really cool, and I wrapped it up, right? Your own painting. Yeah, it's a painting that I found at the thrift store.
right? Okay.

Speaker 2 And I, she, they opened the door. This is when I was living above the comedy store.
Remember, I lived in Polly's house above the comedy store. Yeah.
And there her parents were, and there Sarah was.

Speaker 2 And I go, Merry Christmas. She opens it, and she looks at it and she goes, she starts crying.
She goes, I gave you this last year for Christmas. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 You fucking asshole. It was so fucking awkward.

Speaker 2 And her parents are there? Her parents are there. And they're all blushing because they're so white.
They just all turn red. And I was just like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 I'm so soft. You know what I mean? Like, what do you fuck you say, man?

Speaker 2 Like, and that's why I'm way more mindful about that shit now. That's why.
You may not like it. That's why you don't ever get people gifts.
That could be you don't get gifts.

Speaker 2 I don't get people traumatized, bro. I went to Renzo's party the other day, and I gave, this is what I always do.
I shook his hand, and there was 400 bucks in cash. You gave him $400?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's all.

Speaker 2 That's a gift that everyone loves. Money.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah, money is.

Speaker 2 Would you rather have, like, if I found a vase, a beautiful vase at like some China shop, or if I gave you cash, what would you rather have? I would throw that shit out the window. That vase? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You put up on a goddamn vase. Get the fuck out of here.
Well, I'd be below the window because I love a good vase.

Speaker 2 Are you mad at me now still? No, I never was. You're a good dude, man.
Look at that vase.

Speaker 2 You throw that vase out the window. I'm catching it.
I love me a good vase. Are you being real? Yeah.
Yeah. For real? We got vases all over my house.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Your wife has vases. You don't.
You know what I want? A Fabergé egg. I've paid for them.

Speaker 2 I want a Faberge egg. A Faberge egg.
Can we buy a Faberge egg? A Bad Friend's Faberge egg? A big one. But they cost like $25 million.
Oh, no. So what?

Speaker 2 We can afford it. I want a Faberge egg.
We want a really nice one. Fuck.
Give me a real one. What's that one cost? I saw one for $6,000.

Speaker 2 $33 million. Holy fucking shit.
Okay. Zoom in.
Let's see how pretty it is. Is it worth $33 mil? Oh, yeah, it is.

Speaker 2 The one on the right. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, look at that thing. Look at how beautiful that is.
Look at how beautiful for that. 33 mil.
All Rudy's thinking about is balut right now.

Speaker 2 She's just thinking about there's a bird in there she can eat.

Speaker 2 Is there a bird inside? Or Harry Styles' underwear. Yeah, Harry's stuff.
Harry Star's underwear is stuff. Would you rather have a Harry Styles underwear or that fucking base?

Speaker 3 Underwear.

Speaker 2 God, for $33 million. How dollars that fucking underwear is worth? How much do you think Harry Styles could sell his used underwear for online if he did? For real? For real?

Speaker 2 Five grand. How much would you pay? Five grand.
Five grand is like like the ceiling? What's the highest you'd pay if it was an auction?

Speaker 3 I only have five grand.

Speaker 2 She always has five grand in the bank. So you'd give your last dime.
Yeah. Wow.
Why?

Speaker 2 Okay, what about this? What if we give you

Speaker 2 somebody like Doc's underwear, but we say it's Harry Styles and you smell it for a year. Would that be fun?

Speaker 2 You wouldn't know the fucking difference. You would never know.

Speaker 2 Inside, you might not. I just feel like

Speaker 3 Harry's underwear would be

Speaker 2 would smell.

Speaker 2 Okay, let me ask you something. When he comes, do you think something different comes out than us? Yeah, I do.

Speaker 2 I know what you think, tapioca pudding. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, it's sweet in some way. No, it's not.
It's just like ours. It's not.

Speaker 3 Harry's different. He is.

Speaker 2 Oh, you think he comes crystals or something? Yeah. Maybe he eats a lot of pineapples.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, if you eat a lot of fruit, you're sperm.

Speaker 2 Okay, Mike. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 2 So think do you think he poos?

Speaker 2 Yeah. But you think he poos differently than us?

Speaker 3 I think his poo is

Speaker 3 it smells good.

Speaker 2 It's definitely different than you.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Well, you know, you...

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 Just, you know. Okay, I get it.
I'll go with that. It's just he's better than us, a little bit.
A little bit. All right.
So his poo is a little healthier and it smells a little better. I'll say this.

Speaker 2 Of all the heartbreak stories we told on this show, I kind of am mad that Rudy doesn't have any, so I'm hoping that Ibrahim breaks her heart. Yeah.
A little bit. Because you're also too cocky.

Speaker 2 You want to get rid of him. You don't even like this guy that much.
You don't like his name.

Speaker 3 I just don't like his name, but I like him as a person.

Speaker 2 As a human being. Yeah.
By the way, I was in Montreal, and Marin had talked about the Liota episode that he

Speaker 2 took out from behind the paywall. So I recommend listening to that too because he removed it for people to see for free.
And of course, you know Marin.

Speaker 2 Some guy online was like, oh, way to post to get the attention on you when he dies. He was like, I'm giving you a free episode.
I want you to be able to hear his fucking interview.

Speaker 2 And it's good. She has no idea who he is.
Ray Liota?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Chantix?

Speaker 2 Chantix? No. Okay.
Is that a smoker? If you need to stop smoking with Chantix,

Speaker 2 he did it. Yeah, no, he was awesome.
He was incredible. He was in a...

Speaker 2 I would say Liota's.

Speaker 2 He's in two legendary movies. Field of Dreams.
Goodfellas is probably. Goodfellas, Field of Dreams.
Good Fellows got to be the most famous movie of his. Yeah.
But Field of Dreams?

Speaker 2 Number two. Number two.
I think Goodfellas is number one. I just gave you that, man.
Yeah, yeah. Thank you, man.
I'd like to thank Doc.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yes. I'd like to thank Doc for getting so angry at me

Speaker 2 about me not fucking girls and it's not heartbreaking, whatever, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I absorbed it and I let it go.

Speaker 2 And I love you so much.

Speaker 2 And let me tell you this. Quinnipiac University.
Thank you so much for being here. You guys, you guys really are the future.

Speaker 2 There you go.

Speaker 2 And the count of three, I want you guys to yell in unison, thank you for being a bad friend. Okay?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 One. I bet you money, there's no energy.
Two, three.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend. They're students.
They're good. They're pretty good.
That was very good. That was very good.

Speaker 2 Woof.

Speaker 2 This is great. What you guys are doing.

Speaker 2 This is great.

Speaker 2 Woof.

Speaker 2 If I was a pharmacist, I would be taking so many pills. That's why I'm taking.
That's why I'm. I mean, it's I would take the vibe.
Yeah. I would take one for you.
One for me. One for you.

Speaker 2 I would do it for me. My dick would be so hard because of motherfucking.
They're like the pharmacist walks around giving advice with a boner. Yeah, yeah.
I'll be Viagra all wired out.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Have you ever taken this pill before? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you allergic to medication?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Just a juiced-up, jacked-up, bonered fucking guy. Yeah, bonered fucking guy.
There's no way. I would get fired.
By who? You're the pharmacist. Oh, that's right.
Who's going to fire that?

Speaker 2 Right. But I would get stuff that's like, you know,

Speaker 2 that's heavy. Like the stuff that killed Michael Jackson.
Oh,

Speaker 2 what is it? It was not Percocet's. No, no, no.
What was it called that killed him? It was called. He was on a bunch of stuff.
No, yeah. But he was one, one guy.
The one that was

Speaker 2 good. He had one that was the good one.
Propofol. Propofol.
Let's get that. I would snort up sticking to my eye.
Yeah, yeah, propofol. I would be Mr.
Propofol.