Harry Styles Drinks Baby Blood

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Momenthouse.com slash bad friends. Momenthouse.com slash badfriends.
I cannot wait to do it. I can't wait! You two are bad friends! Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. He brought in a bunch of kids.

Kids.

Here's the problem, right?

When they're not laughing or there's silence,

it puts extra pressure on it.

Big time.

He's telling them to shut up

or they get kicked out of class.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you don't shut up.

Dude, he makes these kids

come to this.

He makes them come here.

Otherwise, they don't get credit.

Do you know that?

I'm dead serious.

He makes the kids come here. Or they don't get credit.
And there's 15 kids out there. Yeah, but they don't volunteer.
do you know that i'm dead serious he makes the kids come here or they don't get credit and there's 15 kids out there yeah but they don't one of them is a fan of ours you know the guy with the shirt the rest i walked in they were like who are you you're the janitor they thought i was the janitor the guy that's what wait you wait you see what they said to doc what did they say wait is it somebody's going to scream somebody's drive all my money somebody's drivers here it was bad oh really very bad they thought he was a chauffeur no not the kid with the bad friend shirt oh who's he he just got free gear from this guy yeah he's a faker yeah he's phony yeah yeah who's the make the fan walk in here so I can see him so we can show him where's the real fan there's one real fan where is it this guy look at the size of this kid yeah they all look like this stay right there look at that look there. This is all of our fans? Borderline QAnon.
He could be. Maybe.
He's a truther. How tall are you? 6'3"? 6'3 and you're what? 185? No, 160.
Dude, this guy has the long... You know how long his penis is? How old is he? He's 21.
Okay, you know how long his penis is? Do I? I got here early. Yeah.
Wow. So he's the only one of the 15 kids that are sitting out there.
I say kids. I can rip his ankles apart.
One kick, snap. Do you really think this guy would fuck you up? You're nuts.
Do you ever see fucking Enter the Dragon when Bruce Lee fought Karima Abdul-Jabbar? Yeah, it'd be like that. At the end, I would win.
No, it'd be like Bobby Lee fighting a young kid. You're not like water.
I'm not like water. No, you don't be like sand.
I'm like sand. Yeah, yeah.
You know how Bruce is like, you have to be like water. I'm like, you have to be like sand.
You know what you are? You're like the stuff they put in those stress balls. Whatever's in there, that's what you are.
Yeah, that's what I am. What's your name? Ethan.
Ethan. He's's a handsome dude look at him of course he is that's what he fills out our fans oh my god our fans are handsome they're very handsome they're always handsome they're all of our friends are good bring the kid that um bring the kid with the um bad friend shirt well let's say thank you to ethan for being a bad friend so much thanks for being a bad friend bringing the kid with the bad friend shirt so we can call him out for being a liar this guy right here poser not a fan.
Not a fan. Poser.
Yeah, you know who he's a fan of?

Who?

Michael Lanochi.

Oh, hilarious.

He doesn't know who that is.

You can tell, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he loves Michael Lanochi.

What's your name?

AJ.

AJ?

He didn't sign up to be made fun of, by the way.

Oh, I'm so sorry, AJ.

So say sorry and say-

I'm sorry, AJ.

I attacked you for no reason.

I apologize.

Yeah, yeah.

Are you an American citizen?

So am I.

We have something in common.

Well-

What?

I'm barely.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm getting in my car next week.
Where are you from, AJ? Massachusetts. Massachusetts.
Boston? North Boston. Are you a funny guy? Because a lot of people from Boston are funny.
Okay. That's a no.
But that was very funny. That was funny.
The way you did it was good. Yeah, the response was funny.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Had some good inflection in it.
No, let me ask you something. Who gets more girls, you or Ethan? I have a girlfriend.
You're the winner. Is she here right now? No.
Okay. Take that, Ethan, you bitch.
In your face, you skinny bastard. Skinny fucking bitch.
Yeah, eat something. Yeah, you skinny fuck.
Yeah. All right, AJ.
AJ, thank you so much, buddy. AJ, you're the man.
Thank you, AJ. Yeah.
He brings these, look it, he brings these kids here. Can I ask you something? Yeah.
Do you make them come or do you go, hey, do you guys want to come? Awful way to ask this question. Do you make these kids come? It's like, isn't there, there's got to be a million ways to ask them.
Do you make these kids? No, don't start with that way. That's the wrong way.
Do you, oh, how about this? I got it, right? Do you make these kids No don't start with that way That's the wrong way How about this I got it right Do you make these young adults come Right yeah That's legal do you make them come I do not They do it voluntarily Let's see if that holds up yeah. So do you, but is it like a credit that they get or is that real?

Yeah, they get a credit.

Okay.

So Fancy's a teacher?

Hey,

no, I don't.

Don't.

Don't.

Man, you gotta plug me in.

What's going on with me? I love you, man.

Well, why don't you inquire?

Inquire.

Yeah, yeah.

What do you do, Fancy?

What the fuck?

Why the kids?

I do teach a class, Doc. Oh, you do? Okay.
Yeah. I didn't know that shit.
What school? Quinnipiac. Quinnipiac.
Quinnipiac. Yeah.
It's a school that, this is the irony of this thing. It's a school that actually is located in Massachusetts, right? In Connecticut.
In Connecticut. What's the fucking? And then they come here every summer.
He's had kids come. Okay.
Young adults. And then he does a summer program with them where he forces them to come to things.
Is it a film class? It is. What do you teach them? It's an entertainment class, like a little introduction to film, television, PR, marketing.
But bring in a random girl. Let's get a girl in here.
and I'm going to ask them what their dream is and stuff like that. Well, let Pete pick somebody.
He just points. You, that one.
By the way, in the meantime, Jules. Hi.
Let's give it up for Carlos for being the greatest coffee god. Oh greatest coffee god oh i wanted some milk jesus christ starbucks what's your name thank you hi come on in come on in don't be scared what's your name hi liz what do you want it to be when you grow up that's a very good question thank you for asking you're welcome and i have a very good question good stall something in tv i don't know like writing producing what wherever they'll take me i like it i like fake dreams like that because anything that was you that was me yeah anything that happens you go i made it you're in yeah yeah liz so what year are you senior i'm gonna be a senior okay right and next year will be a senior year yeah so you're not are you you're not are you prepared for the real world a bit? Like do you have something in mind that you think you're going to get into?

I don't even know.

I mean, I'm doing an internship now

so we'll see where that goes.

Cool.

Do you think they should be mic'd?

I think they should be mic'd

if we're going to ask them questions.

Doc, swing the mic over.

Hold on.

Yeah.

Okay.

We can't hear her.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, yeah.

Poor Doc.

Well, it doesn't come off.

Yeah, yeah, just do that.

You know what this means to me and that I don't mind is that how much more editing fancy has to do i actually kind of love it all right so um where did you grow up new jersey oh okay is it you can get close to that you can get close to that mic you can physically you can put your body closer not your head is it production or is it writing or production oh production yeah well that's a Pretty easy job to get i think no it depends on what you want to do yeah i mean like what do you what do you really tell be honest what do you want to do and by the way let's say this you can reach high me and this piece of shit are stand-up comedians we both we both started at the bottom of our of our respective fields I got to tell you, he'll probably admit this too.

I was so afraid to admit to people that I wanted to be a stand-up comedian for a long time or an actor.

Because I was afraid of people being like, you're never going to make it.

But isn't that true?

Yeah.

We always hit it because you're scared people are going to make fun of you for it. But I got to tell you.

I did to do the Tonight Show five years in.

Jay Leno. Fine.
Where are you now doing bad friends but you know can i say this is real um you should really reach i honestly i i don't believe that i don't believe that you mean that i this is what i believe no i was afraid to admit it i'm saying she probably has the dream and she doesn't want to admit it to us yeah but internally we reach for the stars internally I envision everything the big house right I'm there now whatever I have now I'm fine with yeah me too everything that I envisioned you want more you want more I know you want more you want so much more I want a little bit more yeah yeah I'm fine I've got a half I've got a one bedroom No. He lives in a mansion.
He's a six-bed, six-bath. He lives in a mansion.
And his guest house is a four-bed, four-bath. So my point is, please dream big.
Okay, so give us the ultimate. There's no rules.
The perfect scenario for you would be what? No rules, and don't think it's too out of reach. Talk show host.
Talk show host. See? Now she admitted it.
That's cute. That's all she wanted.
That's great. That's all we needed was to proper talk show host.
It's great. Liz what? What's your last name? Ippolito.
We got it. Yeah, it's got to go.
No, no. Liz Ippy.
Liz Ippy? Ippy. No, your name is just Ippy.
Ippy. I-P-P-Y? Yeah.
Yeah, sure. Ladies and gentlemen, Ippyie the Liz.
Ippie the Liz. Ippie the Liz.
And you come out in a lizard suit. It's Ippie the Liz.
Do lizards do that? That'd be great.

But let me tell you something, Ippie dog. Ippie is a dope name, but you cannot.
Liz Ippaluto.

I mean, who's going to imagine someone in the middle of America is going, what's on at 530? Liz Ippaluto. They're never going to remember that.
So if I was a talk show host, it'd be Nippy the chink. Yes.
I know that Gen Z people don't like that kind of humor. No, we don't like it either.
Yeah, we don't like it either. Yeah, we don't like it either.
I don't like it either. I don't like it either.

So Ippy, Liz,

we wish you the best of luck because I think you're going to kill it.

I think you're going to be a talk show host.

America, watch out for,

but if she uses that name,

we get royalty kicks.

Yeah, yeah.

5%.

Ippy the Liz.

Don't forget.

Ippy the Liz.

Yeah.

And whomever you talk,

you got to bring us on the show.

Oh, of course.

At least once.

If you brought me on your show,

I'll have to bring you on mine.

God bless.

I love it.

God bless.

I love it.

What network would you prefer to be on?

I don't know. NBC is pretty cool.
NBC. NBC is pretty cool.
Yeah. It is great.
I have a deal there. Do you? Yeah, it'll fall through.
Liz, thank you so much. Liz, let's go for Liz.
Thank you, Liz. Bye, Ippy.
You're the best. Ippy's the shit.
Ippy's the We like Ippie. We like Ippie.
We like AJ. We like Ethan.
Yeah. And we only got to hear one of the three, which is good.
Can you bring your mic back, my friend? Well, hold on. Let the boys do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the meantime, let's talk to you, you little scumbag.
All right, so I have a little Jules update, if I may. She's in a committed relationship.
Are you serious? You got a motherfucking boyfriend. Give her a round of applause.
she's in a committed relationship are you serious you got a motherfucking boyfriend give her a round of applause she's got a boyfriend everybody committed relationship and it's wonderful I'm so proud of you who is this guy let's bring up a photo of him no no no let's bring up a photo of him let's do it first of all number one he has an Instagram he posts no photos well okay can we please see it but we won't show it to the audience, but we'll just show it to us in here. She doesn't have...
I've never seen him. You've seen him.
Yeah, but they're always blurry and he's from afar. I don't take pictures of us.
All right. Relax.
Relax. Asshole.
She's an asshole. Asshole, dude.
Isn't this crazy? She's 20 years old, right? Yeah. Everyone in that room is the exact same age.
Yet they seemed together, mature, sweet, thoughtful. True Americans.
True Americans in another room. Well, I'm not.
I'm an American. Oh, the truth comes out.
The truth comes out. So wait a minute.
You fell in love. No.
No. You fell in like? Like.
You fell in like. But I asked her because she's going to the Philippines Saturday for two weeks.
You know that, right? Three weeks. I know.
And you might not come back? Yeah. Well, we're going to call some people.
I'll come back. You don't know.
I might close the border. I'll come back.
I'll come back. What if Donald Trump's like, Philippines, got to close it.
What if he pops back up and he wants to close it down? He could get it done. If all people that could get it done out of office, it'd be him.
I'll just, I don't know, do it illegally. Good girl.
Good girl. That's the American way.
She's going to miss her boyfriend more than me and Kalilah. No, I said anti-Kalilah and him equally, but you know.
Well, let's be honest here. Anti-Kalilah is her blood.
Sure. and the man that she is gonna miss yeah is somebody that she's dating are you trying to date your niece no may i say something go ahead okay so let me ask you something have you seen my house yeah dude you know i've been to your house you've been to my house okay so if you were gonna rent a room at my house house how much do you think that would cost am i comedy or real real a room there would be 1500 a month yeah 1500 a month right she's been there for three years okay let's do the math do the math 54 000 54 000 right man not a dime did you spend i love autistic pete watch this no seriously watch this i'll show you something this is insane yeah he knows how he can guess he knows the day of the week you know this you know this trick watch this watch this um october 4th 1964.
thursday dude what i'm gonna look it up right now i'm gonna look it up right now i'm telling you i'm telling you he can do it he can really

yes dude go ahead i'll look it up while you're talking it's gonna blow your mind dude hold on let me get this one first 1964 are you ready yeah this is gonna blow this is literally gonna blow your mind i said what i say i said october what did i say fourth 1964 no october what did I say? 14th, right? Or what did I say?

8th? What did I say?

October 4th, 1964. No, October, what did I say?

14th, right?

Or what did I say?

8th?

What did I say?

October 4th, 1964?

Yeah.

What did you say?

Thursday.

This is a couple days off.

All right.

I was close though, right?

You were close.

You were within seven days for sure. It's a...
That's not a talent. It's a Sunday.
It's a Sunday. Three days away.
I can get closer. His tics are off.
Give me another one. Give me one.
I can get closer. Just give me a date.
I'll give you a date. A date I'll give you is March 5th, 1977.
March 5th. Tuesday.
March 5th. Tuesday, my friend.
March 5th, 1977. Yeah.
March 5th, 1977. Holy shit.
What is it? It's a Saturday. So we have the same ability.
Same ability. We have the same ability.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Some kids that have Asperger's Are able to do that They're able to just guess It's unbelievable Well there is a guy that got hit in the head And he has that ability And every date Throughout the history of time He can tell you the day You know Marwin Call You heard about that right they made a movie Steve Carell did a movie about it there was a guy that got yeah I know that he made the little toys the little toys yeah yeah yeah Marwin Call it was such a good it was a little documentary then they made it in a feature film so let's go back you're dating a guy and what's his name I hate his name oh god Rudy why so mean why god so mean? Why God so mean? You should, yeah.
It's fine. Man, you're such a good partner.
You hate his name? Yeah. Where is he from? Santa Clarita.
Santa Clarita. So he's from here.
He's from Los Angeles, Southern California. He's also Filipino.
Ooh, got one of your own. Yeah.
That's good. Chiseled face.
Very handsome. Good looking kid comes from good stock you even met his parents no cause his parents his parents are scary cause they're Filipino right so but you're used to all that yeah but I'm still scared okay can I have an announcement to make Santa Clarita I have an announcement to make please last night I saw a movie it was one of the best movies I've seen in 10 years.

You mocking me?

No.

You mocking me?

No.

Fucking Top Gun Maverick.

Can you do the theme song again?

There it is.

It's the fucking best movie I've seen in like 10 years, man.

Yeah, I can't wait to go see it.

I'm so excited.

It was so good.

So I'm going with a friend,

but we promised we'd wait to go with him

when we get back from Hawaii.

And then there was this beach scene

where all the dudes have their shirts off

and they're playing football.

I could have jerked off in the theater, man.

I'm not gay, though.

Yeah, but it was glistening.

Their bodies were glistening.

That, when he was going,

oh, like that,

I want to stick my dick right in his mouth.

What a great movie.

You've seen the original, right?

Hated it.

Really?

Did not like it.

Why?

As a kid, I watched it

because when you're watching the planes fly,

I couldn't figure out who was in what plane,

what was really going on, you know?

Yeah.

But with this movie,

I could see how that'd be confusing.

Thank you. Because when you're watching the planes fly, I couldn't figure out who was in what plane, what was really going on, you know?

Yeah.

But with this movie – I could see how that would be confusing.

Who's in what plane, what's going on?

But in this movie, you know who's in what plane and what's going on.

And I believe because it's like they have the technology – don't make fun of me, man.

Come on, man.

That's the whole show.

Exactly.

So I'll keep going.

They have the technology where the cameras are in the cockpits. Were they in the cockpits last time? Yeah, but this time, but Tom was flying these planes for real.
Yeah. It was just amazing.
You don't know this? No, I don't know. This motherfucker has six.
You could look it up how many licenses he has. He can fly almost any airborne motorized vehicle, like helicopters levels of planes this motherfucker and spaceships to see xeno did you do you know this story what he asked nasa that he wanted to make a movie about nasa and he said he said we'll do all this and have funding for nasa you have to let me walk outside of the space shuttle when we go up there and they were like i don't don't think so.
What do you mean walk out? He wants to go outside of the shuttle in space. I know why.
Oh, he want to do a space walk. In a sense.
With no suit, probably. Fuck.
No, no, no. He wants to go without a suit.
He wants to go without a suit. And implode.
No, yeah, you guys. Yes, he wants to go outside of the shuttle, which...
But do you think it might have to do with Scientology and that he wants a spacecraft waiting for him? Like, I want to go outside so I can get picked up by my people. By Xenu.
By Xenu and the Peeps. Whoa, Xenu and the Peeps? Yeah.
Good band. Yeah.
Xenu and the Liz, Xenu and the Peeps. Not just conventional aircraft.
Tom Cruise is a state trained to fly jets. He's state trained to fly jets.
he also what would well skydiving diving scuba diving but i'm but where is it he's got motorcycles obviously he has boats jets yeah anyway he's the fucking best and the baby blood's gotta be flowing lately because he looks what's a baby blood he drinks baby blood oh yeah he drinks a little it is? Him and Tom Hanks. Oh, Tom Hanks only does upper half.
He'll drink arms, baby arms. But Cruz will do the whole body.
He'll drink all the blood. You know that's what happens, Jules? No.
In Hollywood. In Hollywood.
If you get famous enough to stay relevant and young, you have to drink baby blood. You sacrifice a baby.
Huh? It's a ritual? It's a ritual. It's a ritual, yeah.
Bobby and I are pretty close. We were offered.
Yeah. I went, I'm okay with the Diet Coke.
I said, I'll take a Diet Coke. I prefer maybe geriatric blood.
They had this 96-year-old lady, and they were just clubbing her. And then we put straws in her, and we both sipped her right there.
Let me ask you something. Babies are vulnerable.
If that was a real thing, if baby blood really made you younger, would you drink it? Are you fucking serious right now? Of course I would drink it. Of course.
It kills the baby though. So what? I live long, right? And have a tap.
I would go to the nurse and have a tap. Like when they do to trees in Canada.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like a maple syrup.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every morning.

Of course I would drink it. I would look like a baby in two days.

Jules, would you drink baby blood

if it made you younger?

Yeah.

Or kept you young?

Yeah, and I'd eat their meat.

You would eat their meat?

Because Philippines, they don't waste the meat.

They don't waste the baby.

Yeah, they eat the claw and the eyeballs. Well, you and I could finish the blood, give her the meat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, this is nuts.
I learned about this this weekend. What? Steve Fury.
You know Fury, my boy? Yeah, I love Stephen Fury. Took him with me to go do a show.
He's open for me sometimes. I know.
He told me. We did a show in Tahoe.
He ripped. It was great.
He was awesome. And then he told me, he was talking about this new gang that he had read or heard about that this you won't believe this to get in the gang to get into the gang they have to fist fight someone to the death and if if and when they beat them they must eat their heart out of their chest look it up fuck is that dude he was like he heard about it on a podcast or something on this.
But you're losing members of your gang if you fucking... No, no, no.
These people are trying to get in the gang. Right, so they have to fight anybody that they get from the streets so they ain't fighting somebody in the gang.
Look at this, where it's most beautiful... They're both auditioning to be in the gang, doc.
Right. They're not actually in the gang.
Oh, both, they're trying to get in. How did you get in the gang? You were in the gang.
I just kept the Gucci boys. How'd you get in the Gucci gang?

Because I just wanted to sell crack.

Because that's how I got back.

Oh, okay.

Y'all got crack?

Let's do it.

Can you imagine that's all it took?

Look at this.

Blood Pack, the world's most brutal cartel force, recruits to eat the hearts of rivals

straight from their chest in terrifying initiation.

What?

Is it a Hispanic bank gang?

I just want to be asking.

Come on.

Hey.

Well, I'm sorry, Carlos.

My bad.

Andreas. Well, it's certainly not a Spanish gang.
It's not from Spain. Yeah, yeah.
What would they do? Make clothes for each other? Yeah. Do you need more fashion? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, do you need more fashion? It's a slap fight and they dress each other. Yeah.
Whoever loses has to dress the other man for a week. You know, you have to fucking pick out outfits for him.
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Are you guys having a good time? Yeah. You see what I mean? Yeah.
No enthusiasm. Literally this.
Boop, boop. You know, they're busy thinking about vapes.
That's all they're doing is thinking about vape pens and fucking TikTok. And Billie Eilish.
Billie Eilish.

She's so fucking talented. She's so talented.

It's unbelievable.

Yeah.

I watched the thing with her in Letterman.

It made me fall in love with her.

She's great.

I mean, I already liked her, but I was like, she's so lovable, this fucking kid.

And the Harry Styles.

Well, I'm sick of his shit.

I have to fart.

Go ahead.

And the mic?

It's your mic.

Okay.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Man. Wait a minute.
That was. You good? Not really.
Man. Not really.
Fuck. Not really.
Not really, pal. Oh.
Yeah. So we have a petition right now for Rudy Giuliana Kuhn to meet Harry Styles.
They've organized. The boys have organized a petition for you to meet Harry Styles.
and we have to push this around the internet. We have to have everyone sign this.
So hopefully Harry gets no to this, right? Is that the goal, fans? Exactly. Well, I have a connection, right? So, you know, I did a game show called, what was it called? Game On.
Game On. I don't even know what you're talking about.
Game show called Game On was me, Rob Gronkowski Serena Venus Williams Venus And Ian Carmel Right But Ben I don't know the people So Ben Winston was The producer Great man You know Ben James Corden's producer Yeah so James Corden's producer But Ben discovered Harry Styles Right And they're like really close He did discover him He discovered him Because Ben used to produce x factor where harry was discovered right right that's right so i have ben's number and i have i text him but i can't how do you get into like go hey my niece wants to meet harry can you hook that up like it feels weird and gross say i would do it like this okay hey b-dog that's how you start it oh hey b-dog hey b-dog he'll love that can you write this down hays hey hey b dog hey hey let me repeat it you know i'll write in my notes i'll write and i'll paste it and do it so here we go so um hold on notes just give me a second notes here we go so here we go why don't you just let p type it he do it right up there. No, because when I write it myself, I can memorize it better.

Oh.

All right.

So I go.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

How about three heys?

Hey, hey, hey, B-Dog.

Yeah, yeah.

Because that's like fat.

Hey, hey, hey.

Fat Albert.

Fat Albert.

Hey, hey, hey, B-Dog.

Yep.

B-Dog.

Hey, hey, hey, B-Dog. You chilling?

You chilling?

Yeah, chilling?

Yeah, chilling?

Yeah, chilling good? Or is chilling good, not good? yeah chillin yeah chillin yeah chillin and then just write that's cool yeah d with a d d a t s that's cool that's cool no no no l cool that's cool that's cool you know what i'm gonna put five um o's cool yeah that's cool no it's too much too much singing bring it back so I have six um we do have our resident culture critic here I have six O's there so I take two O's out yeah take two of them all right so that's cool that's good yeah that's good so hey hey B dog sorry B dog-Dog. You chilling? Dat cool.
Dat's with an S. Oh, S for my bad.
Dat's cool. Dat's cool.
And then write the letter N-E-Way. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on.
N-E-Way. N-E-Way.
Oh, N-E-Way. N-E-Way.
Yeah. What's funny? I thought he was about to spell something.
But go ahead. What was I going to spell? Well, you started with N, and I was like, easy.
It was a hard N. Yeah, it was a hard N.
It was coming. One letter scares you.
Yeah, that nationalist was jumping out of you. It was quick.
It was fucking easy. All right.
Too far. Okay, too far.
Too far. Yeah, yeah.
N-E-way. My lil' niece.
Lil' niece. My lil' niece kook.
My cuckoo lil' niece. I don't know about cuckoo or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want an adjective in there, though.
Bitch ass. My bitch ass lil' niece niece.
My bitch bitch ass little niece niece. Yeah.
My bitch ass little niece niece.

Yeah my bitch ass

little niece niece.

Tryna.

Tryna.

Or finna.

Finna meet.

Yeah.

Fendna meet.

No no.

Fendna meet.

No not finna meet.

Watch.

Fendna meet.

No no.

That's not it.

It's finna.

F-I-N-N-A.

Fendna.

No but I'm doing it my way.

Fendna meet.

M-E-A-T.

Okay.

So Fendna meet.

Yeah.

Fendna meet's gonna work.

Fendna meet.

Yeah yeah. H style.
H styles So Fendameet. Yeah.
Fendameet's gonna work. Fendameet.
Yeah, yeah. H-Styles.
H-Styles. Fendameet H-Style.
I'm gonna put sty. H-Style.
What it do. Yeah, what it do.
What it do. Yeah.
If this motherfucker doesn't know what you're talking about and respond positively, then he's not a great producer. So may I...
Go for Go for it. I'll stand.
I think I literally shit my pants earlier. Yeah, yeah.
And guess who has to clean it? Dingo. Rudy.
I can't stand, so I'll just do it like this. This doesn't go up.
Hey, hey, hey, B-Dog. You chilling, that's...
We'll start from the top you need some period hey hey you're chilling that ass I put ass that's cool oh that's that's okay that's why I fucked up sorry my bad my bad I'm starting over right hey hey hey big dog fuck it's okay shut up man because I'm going to text it I'm not going to say it do I think this is what happens on set when you do stuff I do think it does oh 100% I don't ever see it. Fuck, fuck it up.
It's okay. Shut up, man.
Because I'm going to text it.

I'm not going to say it.

Do I think this is what happens on set when you do stuff?

I do think it does.

Oh, 100%.

100%.

I can feel it.

And producers go.

And the director's going like this.

We have to replace him.

Yeah.

Yeah, and they're like,

who knows Dr. Ken?

Who knows Dr. Ken?

Great, so.

Hey, hey, hey, big dog.

You chilling?

That's cool. Neat anyway.
Right? My bitch knees in. Fender meat.
It's that. What it do? Perfect.
Man. Dude, he's going to love it.
He's going to respond so positively to that. Dude, a lot of charisma, this guy.
You're going to send that text within minutes. Blah, blah, blah, blah.
He's going to call. minutes he's gonna call hey what's up he's like I've got a meeting already he's English thank you so we're gonna get if let's just say this text this gibberish goes through and Ben is like okay I can link it up would you leave your boyfriend yeah yeah that fast so don't take too much weight i just need like a boxers or like a brief from harry styles oh you want his underwear yeah not washed not washed after after maybe like a concert a tour yeah so it's just like kind of musty what if every day on tour he wore this show underwear and took it off and never washed it and put it on for every show you want of underwear.
And then what would you do with it? I'll just smell it every night. Yuck.
It's insane. Okay, so there's about five or six women in the room over there, right? There's girls in the room over there.
So, girls, you could just yell yes or no. Is this something you also want to do? Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
Bring better kids next time. The other night, I was at the store.
I was in the main room performing. And so I go, I was doing this physical bit, right? And there was a guy in the front row, and he wasn't laughing, right? Uh-oh.
And I go, what, bro? That shit wasn't funny to you and he goes i'm blind oh no right and i go well then see better all right i said something right and i just lost the audience yeah i think if you make fun of a blind guy yeah but i didn't know he didn't have a thing or nothing have you ever had that like were you fucked up like with an audience member or no i I've actually had, I had a signer because I've had deaf people at shows before and once I saw where the deaf person was, I couldn't stop looking at them. Like I just, I wanted to see because...
Okay, I'm the deaf guy, right? And this is the audience. I'm off to the side.
No, they're in the audience. I know, but I'm just saying.
But I could tell who she was signing to.

So do the joke in front,

but then keep looking at me.

All right.

Yeah.

But don't laugh.

All right?

Don't you wish they remade American films in Asian?

I'm doing your bit.

You know, like Braveheart. Don't do my joke, man.
Don't do my joke. Sons of Scotland.
Don't do my joke. Don't do my joke.
I just kept going. I kept going like this.
Yeah, yeah. I kept looking over because I wanted to see if he was enjoying it.
Yeah. And he was.
Was he? But it was in my mind because they're good. The signers are amazing.
Yeah. They're amazing.
They are amazing. But I was also like, is this getting, is there anything that she's not going to get that, do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.
She's not doing a translating that shit. Well, she was killing it.
She was like, her face was wild. It's amazing.
I have a friend that does it, Cat Brewer. She did a documentary about it, but it was like, I kept, I couldn't stop.
Once I saw it, I was like, oh, he's right there.

Yeah.

I couldn't stop staring at him.

It was fascinating.

One time I was in Indiana with Pauly Shore.

And a mother came up to me in my face.

She goes, my son has Down syndrome.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you're like, same?

Yeah.

I'd love to meet you.

Because I did a bit about it. Yeah.
And it was just like you know off-putting what was the bit was the bit off well the bit was just like you know what's up with people with down syndrome all right thank you good night indiana that's it no the bit was um you know immigrants my dad doesn't you know immigrants they don't have a filter right like they just whatever they just whatever they think they say so I was dating this girl I go this is my girlfriend Kathy whatever he goes when Bobby was eight he was molested by a guy with Down Syndrome it was the bit right and I'm like okay thanks bad dad and taking the girl away but it's true it is a true joke right I was molested by a guy with Down Syndrome when I was a kid. So truth is true.
Right, but then she got so angry. Maybe she was also molested by somebody.
You think that's what the thing is? Do you think that she was a liar and her son maybe had Down syndrome? Right, maybe her son, yes. What if her son was the guy that molested you? Ah.
And you're out there spreading his gospel. I'm spreading, right.
And just to protect her molesting son. I see that's a good mother what can you say what a great mother what a great mom you know Rudy let's get back to you real fast so this boy Abraham that you're dating yeah so did you say I want to make it official? Not me.
The guy, Abraham.

That's not his name.

That's not his name.

I know, dude.

Okay.

He said, I want you to be my girlfriend?

Yeah.

Formally like that.

Yeah.

Did you ever do that to a girl?

Did you ever say, will you be my girlfriend?

Or was it kind of an assumption thing all the time?

It just happens.

It was always an assumption?

Was that always an assumption for you?

Yeah, yeah.

What about you two?

If you...

Huh?

No, I know, but... I've never said, Will you be my girlfriend? Have you done that? Fancy has done that.
You know he has. Have you done that? Of course he has.
Look at him. Oh, what a softie.
I've done it too. You have? Yeah.
And have they said no? Yes. No, they said yes.
Fancy, yes. I got a lot of those.
I heard that often.

Because that moment of that, because I wouldn't know what to do.

You couldn't handle the no.

Yeah.

So here's, this is what I would do.

Yeah.

I'm the girl.

What a lovely evening.

Yeah. It's actually kind of nice.

I really appreciate you taking me out to this restaurant.

We've been here twice, but thank you.

I love how the sunbeams are shining in my eyeballs.

And the sunset, I mean. No, that sunset looks great and the sun reflecting off your eyes are nice.
Yeah, it's nice. It's beautiful.
I have little eyes. Yeah.
FYI. You're totally little.
Everything's little about me. Everything's little about me.
Yeah. Your body, your penis.
It grows. We'll see.
We'll see. Anywho.
I'm starving. Yeah? Yeah yeah yeah well i'm sorry this line at mcdonald's long here's the chef yeah yeah is that what you call the people that work at mcdonald's chef well you took me here yeah yeah yeah oh hi sir yeah so um we'll have a number one i like the kids the kids meal happy meal the meal.
Is that what they call the happy meal?

Yeah, the happy meal. Is there a toy?

Yeah. I'll have a happy meal.

Thank you. What would you like?

I'll just have a McFlurry.

That's it?

Yeah. You can spend all you want.

It's his money.

I'll take a McFlurry too as well.

I'll take a number one then too.

Anyway, you want to sit? Yeah, let's sit. Let's sit at him.
Anyway, so we've been hanging out for the last eight years. Just about eight and a half.
Eight and a half years, right? And we met in jiu-jitsu school. Yeah, we did.
Yeah. Gracie at Gracie Jiu-Jitsu.
Gracie Jiu-Jitsu over there in Glendale. Yep.
And wow, you know, can I say something for a girl? Yeah. You really know how to put somebody in a kumura in the best way.
Thank you. Yeah, it really hurts.
And I tap out really quick. You tap out every time.
Yeah. Out, out, out, out.
Right, right? It's really cool. And I know that you live with four guys.
Four guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they're your just friends? We just added a fifth. Yeah.
It's a one-bedroom apartment. It's weird.
It's a studio. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So five guys now in a one-bedroom. Yeah, like the burger joint.
Like the burger joint. And they're really buff.
All of them are strong. They're very strong.
They're all either competitive weightlifters or they all own a CrossFit gym. Right.
Yeah. And isn't one of them like doing kind of light porn? it's OnlyFans.
Oh, is that what they call it?

Yeah.

OnlyFans.

Yeah, it's OnlyFans.

You showed me the photo a couple of weeks ago.

Very big penis.

Yeah.

Whose vagina was that in?

I think it was one of his friends.

Oh, okay.

I mean, I'm one of his friends, but I don't think it was mine.

Yeah.

It was one of his friends.

All right.

Because you have red hair and she had a red hair down there.

Anyway.

Yeah, but they have a lot of redheaded friends.

That's true.

Yep.

Yeah, probably.

Anyway, are you enjoying your McFlurry?

Yeah.

Are you enjoying your McFlurry?

So much.

Yeah.

Mine too.

It's so crunchy.

The bits in it.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's cookie bits in it.

The McFlurry. Yeah.
Right? And it's crunchy. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Anyway, the Happy Meal's great.
No toy. Didn't get a toy.
That's okay. It's okay.
Will you be my... No.
All of a sudden, one of my roommates walks in. All five of my roommates walks in.
Three beautiful big men. They pick me up and they just tag team me right in front of you.
They run a train on me. Hey, she from the streets, y'all.
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Yeah. Sorry, I would say that.
That would really hurt. If you got a no.
But, you know, it's funny because some of that's true. I asked a girl out.
I slid a note under her door freshman year of college. Yeah.
I slid a note in her dorm. I slid a note underneath.
Yeah. On my hallway.
And then I saw the guy that she would later fuck who became kind of a friend of mine later. I saw them laughing at the note.
No. Yeah.
That one hurt a lot. Yeah, I'll one up you.

Because I think I said real stupid shit in that fucking note.

Was there a yes and no answer thing?

No, no, no.

I just wrote like a long like, I just think you're so cool and beautiful and I love your style and taste in music.

Whatever the fuck I said.

And I watched them laugh at the note.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I also asked a girl in high school to spring or one of those things and she said no and I said oh do you already have a date and she said no but there is a guy I'm waiting that I really want to have asked to ask me. Oh.
Yeah it hurt. It hurt.
Yeah. Do you think that that has motivation for you to do stand up and all that stuff all that stuff you use that as motivation no oh okay no it has nothing to do with anything it just and it's awful you just you take the hit and you're bummed yeah and you're like well that's really fucking sad and you look at them differently you know you're like oh i guess you're better than me yeah and that's okay you gotta know your lat where you are on the ladder is that what it is i'm not she they were probably better than me no yeah no no they probably were they were both probably better looking they were out of my league maybe because when i worked at panican i worked at a coffee shop called the panican in la jolla and there was this kid named ben who was a little person yeah an el pizzo a little puzzle right and but he had he was a little person but he had tattoos which was cool they can't get tattoos yeah they only can get one yeah but it fills their whole body yeah yeah just give me a whole sleeve just one tattoo so um why did i why did i do the munchie i love it though brad williams one of our good friends yeah and he always got women yeah right like Right? He's always on dates with the hottest chicks you've ever seen.
Yeah, but was he good looking? Not really. Oh.
He's just confident. He swung for the dances.
And I remember going, hey, Ben, how do you get so many girls? Hey, Lee. He used to call me Lee, which drove me crazy.
He looked up to me. Hey, Lee.
Right? At least I try. Wow.
You don't try. I go to bat, buddy.
He does. Yeah.
And I learned to go to bat. It's a lower strike zone, but yeah, he does go to bat.
So I'm going to tell you the most painful thing. I was working at a restaurant, and there was a waitress there that I fell in love with.
And I hung out with her for two years, but secretly in love with her. I would go to go to coffee shops thinking, knowing that she sometimes goes

and just run into her.

So you'd wait for it?

I would spend

eight,

10 hours at a coffee shop

just,

I wonder if she's gonna come in here.

So the new generation,

like the kids,

they call it stalking.

They call it stalking?

That's a new,

yeah, yeah.

Stalking.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's okay because

we call it mating.

We call it mating.

Yeah, yeah.

Back then we called it mating.

When we club them over the head and take them with right so back to the cave so one day she starts dating I found out that she starts dating another waiter from the restaurant fuck right and I'm devastated right is he hot well they got married he's pretty hot oh no they have kids he was hot yeah pretty hot are their kids hot very hot so this all the better yeah i guess and he has money oh well you you you have money yeah but it took me i'm 50 now you're 50 yeah so anyway so one day so one day i go let's go to this party she goes i feel sick i'm not gonna go to the party and i go okay i'm gonna go i went to the party i'm hanging out and there's a lot of people there she's upstairs sucking some guy's dick in the bath really so check it out right oh no yeah it gets worse oh she's what she's here she's not sick no she's upstairs in one of the rooms right so like an idiot I go and I open the door oh no yeah and let me guess this guy she's's fucking a guy the guy from the she's at a room at a party right fucking that's what i do you start fucking him no like an idiot i just go in the room i just sit down you sit down yeah yeah get out of there stop then they stop well yeah and they're looking like what and i go oh sorry and i left and i across the street and i beat up a tree and i blew i blood all over my hands i was beating up a tree whatever right and i remember But then Can you imagine They're done fucking They're both smoking a cigarette And looking out the window Like little Korean guys Beating up a tree again You got it Lee Go get it buddy Right So then I But I remember I was probably 22 years old at the time And I remember going When I was being I remember going If I don't do something drastic with my life, I'm never going to make it. You'll be beating up trees forever.
Yeah, I'll be beating up trees forever. Right? So at 23 is when I started doing stand-up.
I thought he was going to say he was like 14, but 20, God damn. So that was the impetus for all this, for stand-up, was this woman? I think it was, yeah.
I think it was the impetus of like, I can't be doing this. This is weird.
Well, thank God this girl fucked this guy in front of you

and you beat up Therese because then you wouldn't be a good stand-up. Don't you think that's kind of great? Yeah.
In retrospect, yeah, but, you know, poor Therese. Poor Therese.
What did I do? Just because you have a little dick. Yeah.
Well, it was terrible. Have you ever had your heart broken, Rudy? um

just one time when I

confessed to

a great Yeah. Well, it was terrible.
Have you ever had your heart broken, Rudy?

Just one time when I confessed to a guy that's a grade above me.

And then he just laughed at me.

Laughed at you?

What did you say?

How did you say it?

I'll be the guy.

Go ahead.

I gave him.

Reenact it.

This is a podcast.

All right. Look at me right.
We're going to teach you to be an actor. All right.
So look at me right now. I'm the guy.
Go ahead. I gave him...
Just reenact it. This is a podcast, all right?

Look at me right.

We're going to teach you to be an actor, all right?

So look at me right now.

Okay. I'm the guy.

What's up?

Is it in the Philippines?

Yeah.

What's up?

What's up?

How you doing?

This is for you.

This is a letter.

Lemonade.

This is chocolate.

Okay.

That's what he did?

Kinda, yeah.

Oh, that must have tore your heart.

What an asshole.

Where is he now?

I don't know.

I haven't talked to him.

And who has 100,000 followers on Instagram?

Yeah.

You do.

Yeah.

Fuck you, guy.

Fuck you, guy.

Fucking bitch.

How about you, little man?

Well, what happened to me y'all laughing already you know it's what happened yeah what happened to me well there's one chick i was hollering at talking to her for about three four months on the phone straight back before i met her at a bar right now i hit number bar at the party so she party. So she was like, finally she was like, okay, we and you, we can get in.
I was like, get in, okay. So she asked me to come to the hotel.
I get to the hotel and I'm ready and there's a guy waiting by the door. And so I walk up to the guy and I'm like, what's up with you? He said, well, I'm waiting on Patrice and she in there with another.
And she told me come here and i said what she told me to come here too and i said fuck so like here i am don't fucking laugh bro i'm not laughing i'm not laughing i'm so sad like i fucking spent all this time like talking to this bitch and she had a dude inside fucking and another dude waiting at the door.

So you had to wait for two guys.

Yeah.

You were last in line.

I was last in line.

Nobody.

You were the caboose.

No one else came.

She asked this guy to come.

Yeah.

First guy.

Yeah.

And I was like, what the fuck?

That was like the most bizarre shit that I've ever.

How long did you wait?

I waited a little while.

I needed some goddamn answers. You know what I'm saying? You know what what he was doing he was waiting for that second guy to maybe leave right because then he'd have been like well you know I am next you know what I mean right was there anyone behind you nah it's just us it's just us two but it was just like weird for her to do some shit like that no no that's really normal nah you go to a hotel to go see a chick that happens all the time get the fuck out of here here and she's having sex with a guy and the guy's waiting outside oh yeah that's how pete met his wife pete was pete was first he was the one that waited he was the one that waited wait a minute though so you talked this guy and then you dipped out did you ever speak to her again did you say hey man i called her and should have just waited anyway.
And I go, bitch. Like, what? You should have waited.
You should have waited. Why would I wait? Because what? She could take a shower.
First of all, it was like at least a 25-minute drive to the goddamn hotel. Well, that's what I'm saying.
You drove all that way. You drove all that gas money.
Man, y'all tripping. No, no, I'm not tripping.
Listen, look, just talk this out. Don't get angry, okay? Hear me out, all right? You spent all that money going over there, right? There's a little line.
We went to Magic Mountain. Yeah, we did.
We waited. And we waited on the ride.
Yeah, we did. Right? What are we? The most we waited, what? Five, six minutes.
We had a fast pass. But if we didn't have a fast pass, it would have been, you should have got a fast pass.
You should have got a fast pass In the front line

With the hotel they had a fast pass

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

And you would have cut in front of the guy

Yeah the guy that was in front of the guy

He was in front of the guy

He was tall

He was definitely tall

Yeah yeah

You text her

He's like

No I'm gonna show up

But could I get a fast pass

Baby

So you never spoke to that girl again

That hurt the most

No I talked to her

Thank you. told it yeah yeah you text her he's like no i'm gonna show up but uh could i get a fast pass baby yeah so so you never spoke to that girl again that hurt the most no i talked to her i called her and when we talked on the phone like i said she told me that i should have waited and i'm saying after that no you didn't continue i don't play that shit it was just like what the fuck why would you have me come all the way out there and you knew what the fuck like to me she just was just fucked up in the head i've never had that happen no that's crazy no that's crazy that's great what else have you ever heard your heartbroken again yeah yeah damn doc yeah but we ain't really broken hearts give me another give me a heartbreaking story uh okay so i was so i was fucking this chick that had a boyfriend right so she good start okay okay so now she breaks up with this dude yeah right like can i guess why and then whatever so then she was like i guess automatically assuming we were together so one did she did uh-huh so then she thought we were together and then one day when i after we had sex She starts crying on me, right? I'm like what the fuck why you crying? What the fuck yeah, you be crying? Yeah, why you crying? No, it's like why you crying now, man? All right It was like what you crying for was the 50s We back and then we're back that way nothing's wrong i'll just get back in the kitchen there was no reason for her to cry all right so i said why are you crying and then she goes well i hate to tell you this but last week i made a mistake and went back and slept with my ex-boyfriend so then i said that's cool because last week i had slept with two other women so we're even.
And then she stopped. You're not even.
We are even. Two and one? Yeah, that's even.
In any sporting event, if it's two against one, if two and one, somebody's winning. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's not even.
If someone has two goals and then someone has one goal, the team with two goals, they win. Okay.
Okay. You didn't know how that worked? I knew how it worked, but I'm just saying like, to me, we were even because to me, we both could have got AIDS.
You know what I'm saying? You fucking around. Wait, you don't wear a condom? Sometimes.
But sometimes, you know, you know how it is, Bobby. No, I don't know how it is.
With the two girls. Did you ride off with the two girls? Yeah.
Okay. No, no, no, no.
Yeah, you did. One of them I did.
That's true. One of the women I did.
Why did you jump to AIDS? Could I just look at it like... Like of all the shit...
Right to AIDS. Of all the other things, like pregnancy or STDs, he's like, well, we all could have had AIDS.
It's like, what? That's just how I look at it. Whether it's one or two, we could both get it.

It doesn't matter.

You know what I'm saying?

AIDS is out there.

Right.

And I was like, you was fucking with me when you had a boyfriend.

So what the fuck?

So this broke your heart?

What?

This broke your heart?

This broke your heart.

Well, no, it broke my heart

because she stopped talking to me.

Yeah.

And I was like,

that's not a fucking heartbreaking story, dude.

No. This is what we asked you.
And you're like, what do I say here? And you just fucking pull out a random story from your past. Don't, you don't have another fucking story, man.
I don't have like a heartbreak like that. That's how you say that.
Oh, okay. Oh, what? But even that was a heartbreak, what you say.
Oh, what? you said because was that a heartbreak that story he told which one when he walked in on a whore yeah that's heartbreak that's not a whore she wasn't a heart whore that's someone I loved and I'm still friends with her y'all wasn't with y'all wasn't together how do you love somebody you're not with it's called unrequited love you never heard of that no you ever heard of fatal attraction that's what the fuck that was you were fucking crazy you were fucking crazy he did beat up a tree I did beat up a tree. I did beat up a tree.
Yeah, yeah, you're right. Yeah, you went even better.
Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? And then you sat there and watched him like some cursed. I understand that.
I understand where I went wrong, but still, it broke my heart. What I'm saying is that the story that you told, it didn't really break your heart.
But I was fucking. You wasn't.
Yeah. He was fucking.
That's true. That's true.
That's just. At the end of the day, he was fucking.
So what you're saying to me is. Let me just ask.
I don't know why you're getting angry. But let's just pull back a little bit.
Let me just say this, okay? So what you're saying to me is that when you have feelings for somebody, there has to be sex? Yes. No.
We're intense. The kind of feelings you're displaying, punching trees and shit.
and shit who does that yeah but i hung out with her every single day like we really wanted to hung out every single day for two years we took trips together you know what i mean oh my god and i you know i mean i just kind of fell in love with her bobby don't know this word what's that word called you know huh simping it's goddamn simp. What simping? Dude.
I'm a simp. You are a simp.
I'm a simp. You be simping hard.
Hard. All right.
She knows what simp means. What does simp mean? It's like you're crazy.
She simps for Harry Styles. Yeah.
Does it make sense? Yeah. Like you'd do anything for him.
Simp is a slam. I'm a simp.
But it's for men. Men who are seen as too attentive and submissive to women, especially out of a failed hope of winning some entitled sexual attention.
Oh, that felt good. So now I don't have to feel bad for your little heartbreak.
Fuck you. Doc gets mean when he gets drunk.
You get mean when you get drunk. Yeah, you're so mean to me.
I'm a simp, okay? I was a simp back then. You were simping hard.
I was simping hard, but I did have feelings and it did break my heart. Yeah, it did.
It broke your little simping heart. Yeah, so why can't both of the things be true? It is.
They are true. Yeah.
He's so mean right now he's being mean he is so bully

hold on

don't feel the thing yet but let me tell you

I know man that's

it's nothing like you don't

you didn't have anything

but there's something

called unrequited love it's been in

poetry

Bobby

I didn't know you were so

that was so like grit expectation like

Thank you. something called unrequited love it's been in poetry oh bobby i didn't know you were so that was so like great expectation like that's beautiful you ever seen greater yeah yeah but that's what he is yeah but he didn't fuck ethan fuck back to fucking ethan fuck but you didn't fuck right right he's slinging him he's slinging right right yeah he's loving it though.
May I defend myself? Go to town. All right.
So you understand that I didn't have sex with a woman until I was 23, until I started doing stand-up. You had sex with a guy before that.
I sucked a couple of dicks. A little trial.
A little trial. But I sucked three dicks, right? But in high school, right? Four.
Four dicks. Yeah, that's right.
Grown men, too. Don't count.
When you're a grown man. Yeah, yeah, but I was a kid, right? So since I was, and when I was in high school, I went to this thing.
There was a thing called the Sadie Hawkins dance where the girl asked the guy. I was never asked, right? Girls just didn't like me.
And I always liked girls, right? And I would hang out with girls, and I would like them hard. And I was so scared of rejection, right? That I would have feelings for somebody, right? But I wouldn't say anything because I didn't want to get my heart broken.
Yeah. Right? Because it's like that same thing.
It's like, do you like me? No. It would shatter me.
It hurts. It would shatter me.
So what I would do is i would just stay in these friendships right but have these feelings uh-huh right and then they would see other guys it would break my heart that's all i'm saying i got two more yeah go ahead i just thought of two fun ones yeah there was a girl that i had such a big crush on in college and like i hung out with her friends and we were in like the group we were in like the same group and when i finally had the time that we were going to hook up together i got so fucking nervous because she was like finally like down she was kind of like yeah i think yeah i think you're cute like yeah okay i stayed late at their house i go into her room and then i went down on this girl no less than a half an hour because I'm not kidding I was down there

I had done all the moves to get there and I was going down on her and I was so scared about coming back up because I didn't know the next move I wanted to make. So I just stayed down there.
Even when I thought about- But that's not a heartbreak story. No, no, no.
I know. That's you eating pussy.
Yeah. I have pussy jokes.
I have stories too. But poorly.
I have poor pussies. But that's not a heartbreak story no no no that's you eating pussy I have pussy jokes but poorly but poorly I have poor pussies but that's not what we're talking about right now well we had to move on from heartbreak alright well I thought you said you had two more heartbreak stories but I went down on her for too long yeah and she tapped on me my head she tapped on me head yeah yeah at some point and she goes that's enough like that stayed with me for a long time.
Like a parent. And I'm not kidding.
I got up and I laid next to her and she took like a big breath and then went to the bathroom and then went back out to the party. I have a story there.
That hurts. I have a story.
Because I really liked her a lot. Where I fucked up.
Not Kalilah, but the girlfriend before, and I feel so bad about this. We were having hooking up right in the bed right and she takes my penis right and she kind of tries to do something maybe she saw porn she tried to do something right and I go what the fuck it's not a joystick and she started to cry oh Bob yeah but she still had her hand on my penis and she's like you know what I mean I'm? I'm like, why did I say that? What a scene.
A woman crying, you naked. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's like, don't, you know, anyway. Well, maybe she had that.
Maybe she was playing, what was it, Galactica? Galactica? She was playing Galactica, right? Yeah. Choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo.
Yeah, yeah. No, and then also.
Yeah. then uh do you have another awkward sex story no i had enough yeah i was thinking about my other one the the go down one that was that one kind of hurt me yeah emotionally that that stayed with me i'm not saying it was heartbreak it's just those kind of things i there was a girl that when i first moved here when i first moved down here um i had met girl and I oh my god I like literally fell that was the first time that I was like so fast I fell for somebody and I was like holy shit I think this girl is the best we started hanging out and she had just broken up with this other guy and we were hanging out and hanging out and then we were hooking up and she was saying my name Andrew a lot like and over.
And I was like, wow. And then the next day she admitted to me her ex-boyfriend's name was Andrew.
And that's part of the only reason why she slept with me was that the name was Andrew. And she was like, I did imagine you were him because you have the same name oh yeah and she said that's enough that's it that'll do that'll do that'll do that'll do that'll do oh wait that one stung yeah that one stung a little bit I have an embarrassing story that's not sex related with a girlfriend give Give it to me.
All right, so Sarah, not the girlfriend before Kalilah but the girlfriend before the last girl. Sure.
Right? Tugo. Tugo.
Tugo. I just said that.
Tugo. Tugo.
Can we say the name? Sarah, I just said. You know Sarah.
You know Sarah. You know Sarah? Yeah, I know Sarah yeah I know Sarah yeah yeah yeah you know she likes vintage shit

yeah she's cool

yeah she's like

she likes vintage paintings

vintage

she goes to the thrift store

a lot right

and it was Christmas

and her parents were down

and her parents

came up to my house

you know how I sleep in

I don't give a fuck

about gifts

or Merry Christmas

but I realized that

oh fuck

her parents are coming over

and I have to give Sarah

a gift right

so I found this like

painting in my house

that's really cool

and I wrapped it up

Now, let starts crying and she goes

she starts crying

she goes

I gave you this last year

for Christmas

oh my god

you asshole

you fucking asshole

it was so

fucking awkward

and her parents are there

her parents are there

and they're all blushing

because they're so white

they just all turned red

and I was just like

oh fuck

I'm so sorry

you know what I mean

like what the fuck

you say man

and that's why

I'm like way more

Thank you. white they just all turned red and i was like oh fuck i'm so sorry you know i mean like what do you fuck you say man like and that's why i'm like way more mindful about that shit now that's why we don't like it that's why yeah you don't ever get people gifts that could be you don't get people traumatized bro i went to renzo's uh party the other day and i gave this is what i always do i shook his hand and there was 400 bucks in cash you gave him 400 yeah that's all that that's that's a gift that everyone loves money right yeah money is if would you rather have like if I found a vase a beautiful vase at like some china shop or if I gave you cash what would you rather have I'll throw that shit out the window that vase yeah you show up on the goddamn vase get the fuck well i'd be below the window because i love a good vase are you mad are you mad at me now still no i'm never was you a good dude man look at that vase you throw that vase out the window i'm catching it i love me a good vase are you being real yeah yeah for real we got vases all over my house yeah your your wife has vases you don't you know what i want a faberge egg i paid for them i want a faberge egg can we buy a faberge egg a bad friends faberge egg a big one but those are they cost like 25 million oh no so what we can afford it i want a faberge egg we want a really nice one give me a real one what's that one cost i saw one for million.
Holy fucking shit. Zoom in.
Let's see how pretty it is. Is it worth $33 million? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it is. Which one? The one on the right.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that is.
Look at how beautiful that is. Look at how beautiful that is.
$34 million. All Rudy's thinking about is Balut right now.
She's just thinking about there's a bird in there she can eat. Is there a bird inside? Or Harry Styles' underwear.
Yeah, Harry Styles' underwear is stuffed inside. Would you rather have Harry Styles' underwear or that fucking base? Underwear.
God, for $33 million? $2 that fucking underwear's worth. How much do you think Harry Styles could sell his used underwear for online if he did? For real? For real? Five grand.
How much would you pay? Five grand. Five grand's like the ceiling? What's the highest you'd pay if it was an auction?

I only have five grand.

She always has five grand in the bank.

So you'd give your last dime?

Yeah.

Wow.

Why?

Okay, what about this? What if we give you somebody like Doc's underwear, but we say it's Harry Styles, and you smell it for a year?

Would that be fun?

You wouldn't know the fucking difference. You would never know.
Inside, you might know. I just feel like Harry's underwear would smell better.
Let me ask you something. When he comes, you think something different comes out than us? Yeah, I do.
I know what you think. Tapioca pudding?

Yeah. Like it's sweet in some way.
No, it's not. It's

just like ours. It's not.
Harry's

different. He is.
Oh, you think he comes

crystals or something? Yeah. Maybe he eats

a lot of pineapples. Yeah.

You know, if you eat a lot

of fruit, your sperm... Okay, well.

Yeah, alright. So you think...

Do you think he poos? Yeah. But you think he poos differently than us i think his poo is it smells good it's definitely different than you what well you know you why just you know okay i'll get it i'll go with that it's just he's better than us a little little bit.
All right. So his poo is a little healthier and it smells a little better.
I'll say this. Of all the heartbreak stories we told on this show, I've kind of been mad that Rudy doesn't have any, so I'm hoping that Ibrahim breaks her heart.
Yeah. A little bit.
Because you're also too cocky. You want to get rid of him.
You don't even like this guy that much. You don't like his name.
I just don't like his name, but I like him as a person. As a human being.
Yeah. By the way, I was in Montreal, and Marin had talked about the Leota episode that he took out from behind the paywall.
So I recommend listening to that, too, because he removed it for people to see for free. And, of course, you know Marin.
Some guy online was like, oh, way to post to get the attention on you when he dies. He was like, I'm giving you a free episode.
I want you to be able to hear his fucking interview. And it's good.
She has no idea who he is. Ray Liotta? No.
Wow. Chantix? Chantix? No.
Okay. Not a smoker? If you need to stop smoking with Chantix.
Yeah. He did it.
Yeah, no. He was awesome.
He was incredible. He was in a...
I would say Liotta's Casino. He's in two legendary movies.
Field of Dreams. I think Goodfellas is probably...
Goodfellas, Field of Dreams. Goodfellas has got to be the most famous movie of his.
But Field of Dreams? Number two. Number two.
I think Goodfellas is number one. I just gave you that, man.
Thank you, man. I'd like to thank...
Doc. Yeah, yeah yes i'd like to thank doc for getting so angry at me so about me not fucking girls and it's not heartbreak whatever right yeah um i absorbed it and i let it go okay and i love you so much and let me tell you this quinnipiac university thank you so much for being being here.
You guys really are the future.

There you go.

And the count of three,

I want you guys to yell in unison,

thank you for being a bad friend, okay?

Okay.

One, two, three.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

They're students.

That was pretty good.

Very good.

That was pretty good. Very good.
That was very good. This is great.
You guys are doing it. This is great.
If I was a pharmacist, I would be taking so many pills. That's why I'm taking it.
That's why I do it. I mean, I would take the Vycan.
Yeahist I would be taking

So many pills

That's why I'm taking

I mean

I would take the

Yeah

I would take

One for you

One for me

One for you

One for me

My dick would be so hard

To some motherfucking

Viagra

Pharmacist walks around

Giving advice with a boner

Yeah

Viagra all wired out

You know what I mean

Have you ever taken this pill before

Yeah

Are you allergic to medication

That would be a mess

You know what I mean

Just a juiced up

Jacked up

Bonered fucking

Yeah bonered fucking guy

There's no way

I'd get fired

I'm going to go ahead and get started. Have you ever taken this pill before? Are you allergic to medication? You know what I mean? Just a juiced up, jacked up, bonered fucking guy.

There's no way.

I'd get fired.

By who?

You're the pharmacist.

Oh, that's right.

Who's going to fire that guy?

Right.

But I would get stuff that's heavy.

Like the stuff that killed Michael Jackson.

What is it?

It's not Percocis.

No, no, no.

What was it called that killed him?

It was called-

He was on a bunch of stuff.

No, yeah.

Yeah, but he was one, one.

The one that was the good one.

He had one that was the good one.

Propofol.

Propofol.

Let's get that.

That was Snorp sticking to my eye.

Yeah, yeah, Propofol.

I would be Mr. Prop.
Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.