Open Chucanos & Closed Chichitos & Live Pekitos

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You two are bad friends! Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Let me ask you something. How does OnlyFans work? Because I know what it is, but I don't know how it works.
What happens is you can put almost anything on there. It doesn't have to be nudity anymore.
You can do anything. There's people on there that are making tens of thousands of dollars a month, and all they're doing is showing feet.
Wow. We don't even have to show nudity and we can still make a bunch of money.
Can I show the cracks of my feet? Cause I have fungi on it. Yes.
I think that's a subcategory. I can do a growth thing every day.
Yes. You know what I mean? Yes.
Update. Do you think people like that? Do you think people would like our OnlyFans? Yeah.
See selling feet pics making $200 a day would make way more than that so in terms of women

what do women show

on OnlyFans

some of them show

just sexy lingerie

some of them show them

changing into like

stuff that they bought

like sexy stuff

some of them are showing

their chocha

and their totanos

their totanos

and their chochanos

some of them show

their chochanos

is it porn

is there sex

I don't know

is it sex

yes there's full on

so there's

so I can go on OnlyFans

and let's suppose

like you know

Thank you. Jochano.
Jochano. Some of them show their Jochano.
Is it porn? Is there sex? I don't know. Is there sex? Yes, there's full on sex.
So I can go on OnlyFans and let's suppose like Mrs. Bring Gardner.
Mrs. Baumgardner.
Baumgardner. Mrs.
Baumgardner down the street has an OnlyFans. Yeah.
And she makes love to Ted Baumgardner. Right.
And they make love. I can pay for that and watch them make love? Yeah.
I'm going to do it. At can watch you can watch these people either some people not everybody has uh sexy stuff on there some people just do regular there's like now they wanted to get into gaming they want comics on there only fans wants can you set the prices so let's this yeah hypothetically if you and i want to do only fans right and we wanted to really do anal intercourse.
Okay. If we wanted to do anal,

I would never do this by the way.

When you say we,

do you mean if you wanted to do it?

You and I did it.

Yeah, if we did it together

but only you wanted to do it

and I was just doing it to support you

because I'm your good friend.

That would probably be the case.

That's definitely the case.

I'd have to convince you to do it

but once I convince you to do it,

would you do it?

Yeah, but we gotta-

But then what would we set the price at eight million eight or ten bucks maybe like something yeah but what i'm saying is is that and then once we did it why can't can somebody screenshot or download the video and then put it on youtube so i think they're working on security measures to make it so you can't steal that stuff but i think as of right now, it's very stealable. I think people do steal stuff and put it up on the internet.
But they're working on privacy now. Look, their whole thing was, they were going to get rid of porn.
Do you not remember this? They were going to say, they put out, there was a thing where they were like, we're going to stop doing porn. People freaked out because so much of their revenue is from porn.
So they were like, sorry, sorry, sorry. We didn't mean it.
We didn't mean it. It'd be like Playboy being like, we're not going to show boobs anymore.
People are like, that's all you are. But now people are making a really good living and some of them aren't even showing much.
So you don't have to show your cotano and your chuchichu. You don't have to show your chuchichu if you don't want.
But you make more money if you show your chuchichu your Chuchichu. Yeah.
Look at that. Blac Chyna earns $20 million a month.
A month? A month. Bella Thorne, $11 million a month.
Cardi B, $9 million a month. Tyga.
Whoa, Tyga? Is Tyga showing? Tyga is showing his Pequito. Yeah.
His Pequito is live on there. I've heard that you can see Tyga's Pequito.
Yeah. And Mia Khalifa.
$ million. Six million.
A year, not a month.

A year or a month.

No, dude, monthly earning.

Month?

Yeah, I know.

Month?

Buddy.

We're in the wrong game, dude.

A hundred percent.

We got to show our open Chicanos.

Open Chicano.

Right, we'll do that.

And a Frenchuchito.

Yeah.

And you're filming it.

Yeah.

Why me?

Who else is going to do it?

These guys are busy working.

I don't want to see you guys. Let me tell you something.
Listen, you don't have to look. Right.
Just look at the monitor. Right.
Just see if the camera is in the right position and then look away. How hard would it be not to laugh for her, though, the whole time? The moment she sees.
The moment she sees. You'll laugh so hard.
Either of her buttholes. Right, and then the pain, the initial entrance of the pain in my face, you would laugh so hard.
So funny. And then we would be laughing because I'd be like, dude, it's too, you're going too rough.
When you know me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no, no. Slow it down.
No way. Put spit in it.
Yeah, yeah. No, dry as a bone.'s like it took that that link i sent you the video that woman from youtube yeah i posted this the other day not that one the other one the other one we'll get to that one the this one bro this somehow went viral on the internet yeah again uh this woman there's a show called uh what's it called celebrity super spa and these women think they're going in to wax a woman yeah but you don't get to see it but this is her reaction when she sees a man's butthole for a man's butthole for the first time okay yeah i love this would be rudy if she walked in on you and me okay here we go the other side of the store i'm expecting to see a big burly man or handsome young man who cares as long as he's a man? Yes.
Are they English?

Hello. Hi, guys.

Come on.

Come in.

Dude, stop, stop.

Push pause. I think she was expecting to see a man

and she got a woman. Fired.
A woman's butthole.

She's fired. No, but keep going.
This is the best part.

She's got the giggles.

Thank you. Dude, stop, stop.
Push pause. I think she was expecting to see a man, and she got a woman.
Fired.

A woman's butthole.

She's fired.

No, but keep going. This is the best part.

She's got the giggles.

Remember in school when you couldn't stop laughing?

Fire.

I love when you try to hold it together.

If I was a man, LaQuisha, get in here.

Here you go. She tries.

Oh, God. Give her a second.
Hold hold it together you got this you've got this come on they don't show it no they can't show it this but this was years ago i don't even know what it was it was on this reality show obviously from there but that would be you and you know what the next one I sent you this would be the next version of this a TikTok girl got her vibrator stuck in her butt look at that look at the x-ray that's you by the way do you know how much stuff I would stick in your butt what do you mean I would not let it I would put it so far up it couldn't come back out dude I'm gonna say Something right now It's not a fucking warehouse Yes it is That's an Amazon warehouse No no no no My butthole Doc is in there Is so tight Yes dude My poop looks like Angel hair pasta Yeah it's so Fucking Tight You said it was loose Yeah it's loose Okay. Angel hair pasta.
All right, listen. Mine's ravioli.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, all butthole in the entrance is very, very tight, okay? When you get deep, it becomes, there's more space.
It widens out. It widens out of it.
It's like a vase. Yeah, like a little vase, right? But initially, to get it into the doorway, you're not going to be able to get a bunch of stuff in the doorway.
Unless you open the doorway. That's right.
If you do some carpentry work. Right, right.
And then there's blood. A little massaging.
Yeah, there's... Oh, you think massaging is the only thing? I'm going to massage it right open.
So it starts like this and then... No, I feel like there's scissors.
Oh, I've got it. Yeah, like clip, clip, clip, clip.
And I'm like, dude, that hurts. Yeah, well.
And then my bum looks like Joker's mouth. Why so why? Yeah, this girl got a vibrator stuck in her tush.
What a bummer. What a bummer.
I tell a joke about this on stage. Yeah, when we were in Austin, like someone approached Bobby with an x-ray that looked exactly like this someone wait really? yeah I don't remember this but what was the x-ray of again? of a flashlight oh a guy had a flashlight up his ass oh that's right he gave me the x-ray what was someone looking for up there? oh so why show me? well I'm not a doctor but did you think it was cool to see? it was a cool thing to see obviously but why show show me you don't have to be in the medical field to appreciate you asked I mean she was a girl like working at the ER and Bobby asked oh have you seen any weird stuff so then you asked oh I did ask yeah yeah I did ask yeah yeah that's an easy fix Jules never put anything in your butthole I won't I know never not even penis I won't penis? I won't.
Not even penis? I won't. Not even penis.
Your face looks like you. I don't want that.
It's scary. But you already have, huh? No.
No. That's the face of someone who's already have.
No. Don't ever put anything in your butthole.
Because once you do it once, you want to do it again and again. It never stops.
Yeah. You tried? Huh? You tried? Please.

Come on.

You see this thing?

I'm a Fiji man, buddy.

This goes right up.

This goes right up there.

Honestly, I don't think anything's been up there.

No chance.

No, I can't.

I'm so scared.

I'm so scared of putting anything on my side of my chair. For a joke, I put candy bars.

You put a candy bar in your butt?

Well, R.H.

If you ever put a Twix in my butthole.

The left one or the right one?

What do you mean?

Twix joke. You know what I mean? That's very funny.
Did you put two Twix in my butthole. The left one or the right one? What do you mean? Twix joke, you know what I mean?

That's very funny.

Did you put two Twix?

No, just one.

The left one.

Is Twix, Twix is...

I got unfollows.

What do you mean you got unfollows?

I'm the only fans following.

Wait, why would people unfollow because of that?

Because I have some fans that follow me

because I'm on certain things that they like me on,

but then it's like they have Christian, you know what I have Christian foundations. I think this is a very followable photo.
No. Whenever I put something provocative on, I lose about 1,000 fans.
Really? Yeah. What's wrong with that? Not 1,000.
Maybe 250 people start unfollowing. Do you actually have a lot of Christian fans? I have some, yeah.
Like church going? Well, Koreans are really church. I didn't know this until I did that show Beef with them, that so many Koreans are like bombarded by the church.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I didn't know.
It's the number one religion in Korea. Christianity.
Can you sing any Christian songs? Do you remember any songs from when you were a kid? Yeah. Which one is that? Jesus love me, yes, I know.
For the Bible tell me so so. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. I feel like you're doing this.
I feel like that's what you're doing. I'm doing the exact same rhythm you are.
I know, but you sped it up. No, I didn't.
You made it racist. How? Do your song again.
Do your song. Jesus, I love me.
Yes, I know. For the Bible, tell me so.
Right, and that rhythm is... It is go.
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. That is right.
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. That's right what it is.
And there's a gong out there. Gong.
Jesus. Yeah.
Yeah, no. The amount of Koreans in church, it was wild.
We did a scene in a church. Yeah.
And all of these guys were talking about it. But the Moonies.
You know about the Moonies, right? I don't. You know about the Moonies.
I swear to God, I don't know what that is. at the fucking guy sit down i was speaking of church going weird yeah fucking weird this guy ladies and gentlemen yeah put on the headphones ladies and gentlemen i'd like to present to you our our guest of uh guest segment right now yeah he looks like if oscar isaac was super sick I'll take it man Oscar you have him what happened

yeah He looks like if Oscar Isaac was super sick. I'll take it, man.
I'll take it. Oscar, you have give? What happened? Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to introduce our guest segment that we're bringing in some of our friends sometimes. He's only going to stay for as long as we can put up with him.
Yeah. He is one of the funniest, most talented dudes I've ever met in my life.
He's my oldest friend in comedy comedy We literally met How many years ago now? So many 15 Wait wait Who did you meet first? Me or him? I think I think Santino Yeah we started Open Mikes together Let me ask you Who's helped me more? You Yeah In what way? Early on Bobby would take me on the road He was like the first guy To take me on the pay you? That's not important. No, see, that is very important.
Why is that important? Because my friendship and my love has been more than the money that you've given him. It's not about money.
It's about helping him live his dream. Did you get any opportunities from him taking you on the road? Yeah, I got to headline some clubs after I featured for him occasionally.
Thank you. What, C-rooms? Hello.
For like 80 bucks? Hey, see, you're being negative and mean. All right, let's reel it back.
Reel it back. That's really nice that he helped you out a lot.
But I'm also an older friend. That is true.
I've known him longer. Let me ask you this, though.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Fahim Anwar. Let's give it up for everybody.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you for having me.
Fahim, by the way, has a special coming out. He's putting out a special.
It comes out 27th may 27th on my youtube channel it was very hard to get that's one of the hottest specials are coming out now it is it's coming so it's already been out so it's already out right now on youtube it's blowing up right we already know it is fucking huge 48 million views the first hour yeah i heard it's more than uh gangnam style which was surprising to me for a special For a special, like normally, it's doing K-pop numbers. You know what? He said Gangnam Style.
That was racist. That was very racist.
No, I don't even see color. Stop, right? How dare you come into my fucking house and say Gangnam Style.
Get him, dude. Right? It's like if you came in here, I said, here's some sand.
But you do that all the time. You do.
Do I really? i say thank you yeah yeah yeah yeah the funny at your wedding can we throw sand instead of rice that's what we do that's like you're making fun but that's a tradition it's funny that you're racist towards him and because you think he's from the middle east he's fucking italian i'm italian dude this kid's from northern italy his family he's from afghanistan no he's not Well, first of all, he's from Seattle. He's from Seattle, but No, he's from Afghanistan.
No, he's not. Well, first of all, he's from Seattle.

He's from Seattle, but the origins of him is Afghanistan.

His dad is Italian.

His dad was a chef.

Tell him about your father.

Chef Boyardee?

Boyardee, yeah.

Fahim, did you know Rudy?

Have you guys met?

I only know of Rudy.

Hello.

Hi.

Big fan.

Big fan, too.

She was at the comedy store show.

Big fan, too? Yeah. Yeah.
at the comedy store show. Big fan too?

Yeah.

Because my thing is doing

Gangnam Style numbers, right?

Have you seen his special on Netflix?

I mean on...

How dare you, man?

CISO.

Sorry.

I'm wearing the CISO.

Do you see a special on CISO?

Nobody saw...

CISO didn't even see the special on CISO.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fahim has put out a special.

It's out right now for the fans.

Check it out.

Be honest, Bobby.

One of the funniest comics you know. I'm dead serious.
Here's what I want to say about Fahim Anwar. Number one, he's probably the best joke writer out there.
Yep. He's always doing new shit, clever shit.
I don't like following him because it's like, I just feel like my shit's so old compared to his. It's so relevant and so edgy too and just crisp.
I think you're the nicest guy too. Very talented, good actor, good writer.
You're all around a super, super talented guy. I couldn't even look at your eyes when I give you the confidence.
No, that's so nice, Bob. You were Fox News' number one brown comedian this year.
Tucker Carlson named me a star to watch, which I thought was like – Are you being real? No. Why would I want that vote of confidence? Are you on this show? What do you mean? What are you talking? Of course it's not real.
You think Tucker Carlson likes this guy? Like it's Variety Top 10? These are my comics to watch. Let me tell you the comics you need to see.
Here's a brown piece of shit that I've had a little thing for. Any place is good for me.
Well, he wouldn't be nice about it. There's no way.
No, Fahim Fahim's special is called Pro-Life because it's relevant to what's going on right now because it's through tucker's youtube vertical like i didn't i didn't want to call it that but he was pretty adamant about that he was like this or bust and yeah yeah i need this heat and fahim for people that want to know how because here's the thing about americans they'll look at this guy and they go all right do I really want to listen to this brownie right and I'll say this yeah I know no and I mean nobody in our friendship circle that is more of an American gun toting rootin tootin freedom fighter ex-veteran than this guy yeah well definitely some of those things yes yeah I'm not an ex-veteran I got to squash that right off the bat. You don't want stolen valor? Yeah, I don't want to do stolen valor.
Let me say something, because the things that we were talking about earlier, he would feel very uncomfortable with. So I think we should revisit those things.
The OnlyFans. Yes.
What would you think about me and Bobby starting an OnlyFans? It'd be a great move. Yeah, yeah.
Told you. But, like, would you be cameraman? No, I have too many things going on.
Like, i don't need to do that you're busy yeah but the amount of money we're gonna charge we're charging eight million dollars because we're gonna butt fuck well well well well i'm gonna butt fuck him yeah what if he switch he's never gonna he's never gonna get a buffy yeah yeah yeah he's a i'm a fucker and if he said we'll give you a million dollars every time we dollars every time. That's kind of what it's going to look like.

So I'll give you...

When were these taken and where were they taken?

20 minutes ago.

20 minutes ago in the front room.

Can I tell you something that's crazy about this photo?

Honestly, your ball sack looks like a pussy from the back.

Rudy's nodding.

Doesn't it look like a pussy from the back?

It's like a fat pussy. Bro, that looks like a fat fucking puss.
You got a fat Jojito back there, baby. Dude, swear to God, that does.
It looks kind of hot. I'm not going to lie.
I hate my ass. What's wrong with your ass? It's so flat.
Well, you don't. It looks fine.
I want to get the Brazilian thing. Butt lift? The butt lift.
Yeah, yeah. And you have to be in a wheelchair when you're at the gate.
Have you seen it? Like when women get the procedure done, like all of them have to be in a wheelchair. Yeah.
By the way, this is going to come back to haunt us for sure. Yeah, we just threw this on the internet like morons.
Yeah. Like there's no way that that's not gonna fucking ruin our career at some point

so you wouldn't be cameraman if we give you a million dollars every time to shoot us yeah a million bucks yeah i don't need it i don't need the money that bad wow the special is doing very well here's the thing about him what i love about yeah he has principles he does yeah so back when he was young i've brought this book i've got to bring it back right back when i was on mad tv right

this kid was

working at

Boeing

yeah

right

and all he wanted

to do was comedy and television. I walk up to him and I go, I have a sketch on MADtv that Dave Navarro is on.
I just need you to be in the sketch. He goes, what is it? I told him what it was.
He goes, nah. He has principles.
That's always been Fahim's move. Yeah, I like that about him.
I just like doing things that I like, you know. Right.
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Fahim just got back from a corporate gig literally an hour ago. I was in Colorado today.
Denver. But let's do...
No, no, no. Keystone.
So you did a corporate gig right before this one because I know you. Oh my God, yeah.
And you did one for Kirk Fox in San Diego. No, it was in Calabasas.
Inabasas probably the worst gig i've ever done and he bombed so bad so hard kirk did no i did silence everyone didn't do great but i think i took the cake that show you bombed oh yeah because it was a corporate and sometimes corporates it's not set up like a comedy club they like try to really see you at a comedy club yeah and they're like oh look i want to do this for my corporate retreat and they try to build a comedy club in a hotel ballroom and it's fucking weird and it's sad yes because there's like all these tables and then the room is way too cavernous you know there's way too much space yeah and there's just a weird you're in a fucking marriott it's just feels so weird and also they'll be like we're chill like anything goes. Just let it rip.
But you made a point that if any place has an HR department, it's not going to go well. Of course not.
Because I just did Chris Spencer's wife's show for her teachers at a school. And backstage, I'm like, should I go on? Who would hire you for that? Chris Spencer.
Chris says, just do your thing. Fucking idiot.
I go, yeah, but I say so many crazy things. He's like, they're into it.
No, they're not. And, and Maz went up before me.
You know how likable and PC is, right? Yeah. I walked up there and the first thing that came out, it was silence.
It was dead. Dead.
Yeah. And then all of a sudden I could feel this one sweat dripping down my face you're right oh i've been and i i know i knew i was in for the worst 15 minutes oh bob it was terrible i went too dark too soon because i believe the guy when they're like we're cool whatever it's just like let it rip you know don't pretend you're doing a corporate just do it your handicap uh nike joke no it's a mother one but like they tensed up so much because if they say do whatever and they have an HR department, if you're around these people eight hours Monday through Friday and you're not allowed to say certain things, you're not going to be able to turn that part of your brain off and be like, oh, now I can do that.
If people that do do that get fired immediately at a Christmas party because they honk Karen's tits and then someone's like, you honked Mark, you know what you did did last night? He's like, it's a Christmas party. And he's fired on Monday.
Yeah. Those things are a fucking nightmare.
I did one one time and I ate such a fucking pile of dicks for 30 minutes at the Pacific Design Center. I almost didn't even want the money.
And you're making like $600 a show at these colleges that your agents and your managers take 30%. It's a fucking nightmare you take a bus to fucking college town to college it was the fucking worst and I did that for fucking years so look at you now baby you beat the system didn't you no I but isn't there I don't know this is cocky but isn't there a part of you that's like you know some of the success I feel like I earned it no you definitely earned it there's you feel that well you yeah you you fucking do you feel it yeah there's a lot of work yes it was so much work but it's mostly work that no one sees that's the problem it's no one sees that you know well it's all the grinding night in and night out all the clubs you know nobody sees that so many people in this town want to go to parties the birthday parties and go to some house party and shit and try to like get ahead that way nobody just wants to go to the shitty uh bar show and work on their craft for several years until they get very good but this town does reward people i mean i've never met someone who's fallen face first into such a great situation and she's not even grateful she doesn't give a fuck yeah this is this is the problem with the generation we had to work for it.
She doesn't. She has more followers on Instagram than most of our friends.
How many followers do you have on Instagram? Less than Rudy probably. How much do you have? Like 73,000? Yeah, she has 100,000.
100,000. And she's done literally.
How many 20 years he's been doing it? Yeah. You've done nothing.
And he has a craft and he's extremely good at it. So good.
But I can't do this is this you can't do nothing she is the lounge she is the lounge expert actually you know what that is true faheem can't do nothing yeah that would drive you nuts yeah you know when some people like there's people that work jobs just so they can retire that's the opposite of you would that's you know when they say some people they retire and it's their that's their dream some people retire and they die because they just don't know yeah i'm I'm a, if can retire. That's the opposite of, you would, that's, you know when they say some people they retire and it's their, that's their dream.
Some people retire and they die because they just don't know. Yeah.
I'm, if I retire, I'll probably die. You, you're the same way.
You love work. I just need to be doing it.
Yeah, you need to do something. Yeah, I can't imagine if they were like, you have throat cancer.
Mr. Lee, you have throat cancer.
God, I hope not. Holy fuck.
Right? And you can't talk ever again. And then what would you do? Just program your joke.
Oh, yeah. Hey, guys.
How's everyone doing? Good night. Any birthdays? There was a guy in Britain's Got Talent, right? Who couldn't talk, but he was a stand-up.
Yeah. But all his jokes were in the thing.
Did they crush? They did. My point is that your dad could have fucking programmed you.
No. No, that's special.
Oh, you think he's writing it? Because does his facial expressions match up to the thing? No, it's like... Look at the size of the tits on this bitch in the front row.
But he's not moving his lips. Oh.
Look at the size of the tits on it. No, there's no talking.
It's all in the computer. I was trying to do that.
But you're moving your fucking lips. Well, I'm not a fucking ventriloquist, oh is that what you're doing? yes oh my bad god what are you doing? he's showing the video of it is this it? lost voice guy that guy let's see this guy hello my name is Lee and for obvious reasons I'm also known as the lost voice guy see his arms? his arms are part of the bit and how long have you lost your voice i just knew you were going to ask something that i hadn't thought about beforehand so please i can't even watch it he goes far oh that's the thing with these shows if you have some calamity or some hardship we talked about that you're gonna go the furthest.
Here's how you win on America's Got Talent. Get hit by something.

A book. thing with these shows if you have some calamity or some hardship we talked about that you're gonna go the furthest here's how you win on america's got talent get hit by something a bus three car a sad story yeah or a kid or some sort of disability somebody if you have all three you won the whole thing you don't have to do anything cancer yes that's a huge one somebody has to have cancer either you Right? Right.
You have a disability. Yeah.
And you came from a tough place. Yeah.
Bum, bum, bum. But if I win, you know what I'm going to do? Hmm.
I'm going to go to a rooftop, right? Douse myself, right? In what? With gasoline. Oh, good.
I think that's implied with douse. Nobody douses themselves in water.

Well, I get on a rooftop,

I'm putting on sunscreen with two different guys.

I'm going to light myself on fire,

then jump off,

break every bone in my body.

I'm going to have a couple of guys

put water on me, right?

And I'm going to show up

on America's Got Talent.

And I'm going to go,

and I'm going to get the golden buzzer.

I'm going to win the whole thing.

Really? You think that's going to work? Can you imagine if day wheeling a guy immediately after you? Yeah. Who's like, he's an Asian guy who also set on fire and fell off a roof.
Yeah. But he's gay.
And then he wins just because he's gay. Right.
He beat you by one step. He bought me one thing.
Yeah. You think backstage, they see the minorities, like how deformed they are.
And they're like, oh, that's going to be going to be tough to beat Like I just have no arms This guy's burned and he has no legs That guy's on fire right now But then what I would do is I would add a lie and go but I'm eight Eight? Yeah eight years old Then they're like oh he's a kid too That's a thing right Kids if you're a kid and you're okay, you're going to go far.

Yeah.

But if you're a kid and disabled, you've won.

Forget about it.

Give him the golden fucking buzzer.

I hate the story, too.

It's like, you know, you get this in American Idol where they'll go, yeah, so anyway, my

best friend, my uncle, died two years ago.

And I'll just go, oh.

And I'm always like i don't like that they try to find the story two years too angry two years is so long two years it's like they try to come up with a story they're digging they're probably it backs it's good what story am i gonna tell what bad thing did anybody get hurt in your family do you know anybody that has any tragedy? They need to pull something out. They need to pull something out.
What would be your trick card? My trick card, what? To go far? Yeah, like what would you have to use something? From your own life, what would be your story? I would say like my village got bombed. I'm not even from Afghanistan.
I was born in Seattle. So we're judges, right? This is called Los Angeles got something.
LA got something. Yeah, LA got something, right? And we're both just, my name is Simon Chow, and you're Simon.
No, if you're Simon Chow, I have to be, you know, Heidi Wong. Heidi Wong.
Simon Chow and Heidi Wong. We're both Asian.
Do we have accents? You better believe it. Hey, welcome to America.
LA got something. Right? Welcome to LA got something.
This is, I'm Simon Chow. I'm Heidi Wong.
Yeah. Anyway, tell your story.
What your story? Well, first of all, what's your talent? I like to sing. Oh, another singer.

Another singer.

What a big deal.

Big deal.

Yeah, so what?

So tell me about yourself.

I'm from Afghanistan.

Oh, bad place.

Really bad place.

Really bad place.

Big girl, poppy seeds that make heroin.

That's what I did for it. I would do that.
I would make poppy seeds that make heroin. That's what I did for.
I would do that. I would make it.
A poppy slave. Yes, yes.
Oh, sad. But I sing to pastime.
Oh, okay. That story is still not.
You're doing nothing for me. No, but then a missile hit me one day.
A missile hit me. My brother.
I about to hit my brother. And I tried deflect, but he blow up and he not here anymore.
And Nick Cannon is like, a missile hit this motherfucker in the poppy TV. Losing his mind.
Interesting, so you know. But I remember last year we had another guy from Afghanistan, his missile hit him too.
But he's my my brother step on the ied other brother oh so

you have two brothers so no no brother anymore that seemed pretty sad yeah that's so sad that's That's so sad though.

No, no, then, um, then, uh,

Yes?

Machete fly.

Oh!

The flying machete.

The infamous flying machete Has missile hit Junkyard And machete in junkyard Oh The propeller The frisbee The frisbee Machete It kill people It slice my mother in. I have no mommy anymore.
Well, that will happen if there was a machete that was around. Okay, for us now.
Sing. Sing.
Now sing. I'm very nervous.
It's probably not good. No, come on.
We love the story. But I'm only eight.
Oh, eight. Press the golden button.
Bing, bing, bing, bing. The golden button.
You don't have to sing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That would be your freedom fight. That would be your freedom.
Yeah. And you would go far, far, far.
So far. I'd have a residency in Vegas.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they'd have like Photoshop pictures of my mother who machete didn't have.
Like this is dedicated to my mother. As you walk hallway to the showroom it's got your brother blown up your mother with the machete yeah that'd be insane i do a psa like everybody watch where you walk thank you good night yeah but then what will but then people would do research yeah they'd find out and they would go like no his mom lives in glendale you know i mean but by that time he's got the money no i I have a pr team who would know how to spin that squash it right or you don't worry about it what you could do is go to your mom and go i think they're finding out so we're gonna have to we're gonna have to cut you in half but we'll cut you in half in a way right where you're still gonna be alive but your legs are gonna be missing.
So then when they come over and you go, look!

And she's going to be like, it's me!

Machete!

Flying Machete mom.

But at the end of the day, you will already have banked all that Vegas cream

that who gives a shit.

Would you ever do a residency in Vegas?

No.

Well, yeah, not really because I like doing new stuff.

I want to work on new stuff and when you're doing a residency you're just banging out the hits your whole life. Yeah, but I mean, look, at some point, if you reach that point in your career when you just don't feel like writing and touring a lot, I could see being in the latter half being like, I'll do a couple years in Vegas.
I always say Vegas is where you can see stars from yesteryear while sitting down. Right, yeah.
I saw Boyz II boys to men when I was there and I love boys to men. I grew up with them, but everyone was just sitting down with like a giant big gulp.
I know we went to go see Gwen Stefani because we were going to Vegas. Little Dicky played in Vegas, like played a new year show a couple of years ago.
Well, it was four years ago now. And we were like, Oh, you know, we can go see Gwen Stefani before he does his show at like midnight I was like she's right next door that's great I think she's amazing I was like I've never seen her we go exact same thing no one's even wooing there wasn't even like a woo yeah it was literally like it was like quiet theater people sat she would come out do the thing and then people would do this it was so fucking weird it i i was blown away that all these young girls weren't like getting excited excited it was just uh it was like watching a movie i bought tickets to a comedy show when i was dating christine absolutely fucking lutely never in a million years i know because i didn't know him at the time but she's mexican and she grew up with george.
Yeah. Right? So I called my agents and I go, can you get me tickets? They're like, yeah.
So they got me second row, right? But I still had to pay some. Where was this at? At some amphitheater somewhere down.
I don't know where it was. Sure.
In downtown, where the Staples Center, whatever it is. You took her to go see another comic is great.
But this is what I almost walked out because this is what happened. So we're sitting there and i think i brought up to george at since then but we're just sitting there and i'm like what is the show starting right and the lights turn off and then there's like smoke like what the fuck there may be some dancing tap dancing shit going on here right Mm-hmm and he comes out to his back turn from the ground to the audience sick, right?

And he's standing going on here right and he comes out to his back turn from the ground to the audience sick right and he stands there for five minutes without turning around and that's how long the applause break was and i was like i was leaving i was leaving i couldn't do it i fucking but i watched it he was very funny the show was good but I paid would you pay money for a comedy show no no even if you didn't know the comedy I would just like use all my connections to be like hey can I get in I would use the agency or hit you up say hey can you start you're in love with a new girl let's just say you're in love with a new girl she is a massive comedy fan but a fan of a comedian who's nothing like you. And you have no connection to this person.

Yakov Smirnoff.

She's Russian, right?

But she's pro-Ukraine.

She's pro-Ukraine, but she's Russian.

And you can't get to Yakov.

You can't get to Yakov because he doesn't have agents.

He doesn't.

Right?

And she goes, I have...

So there's Yakov Smirnoff right there, right?

And here's the new girl you're in love with.

And she's like,

Fahim, I want to see him so bad.

I miss Russia. Why won't you take me to see yakov and you have to pay how much are tickets to yakov like three thousand dollars what the fuck backstage vip vip for him what does vip entail though like what he gets to yell at us in russian for minutes.
And it's $3,000?

We get, yeah, $3,000 for VIP.

And he will sign my tits.

But I thought you liked me.

No, yeah, I want you to fuck my tits.

I want him to sign my tits.

I want you to fuck where he signs on my tits.

But you still love me?

Yeah, of course.

But you need to take me to Tse Yaakov,

otherwise I will never give you blowjob again. Okay.
Here's my visa. Would you do it? Would you do it? Yeah, you have to.
That's why I went to George. That's why you went to George.
Yeah, that's why I went to George. I had to do it.
Did you have to laugh the whole time too? There's some parts where I'm like, oh, that was good. He's funny.
He's great.

Lopez is funny.

I went down to Arsenio YouTube rabbit hole

because he was doing the new Arsenio stuff for Netflix

during that festival.

And then I saw an old George Lopez,

like his premiere on Arsenio.

It was just crazy to watch a 30-year-old George Lopez

on Arsenio.

Just kill it.

That's so wild.

Kill it.

And kill it on the couch afterwards too.

That's where those guys made their mark, was killing on the couch couch Do you know who Arsenio Hall is at all? No? No? His audience used to get up And go Nice man I love It was the height It was the height Of like cool masculinity You ever see Coming to America? Yeah Oh okay She doesn't do much It's what we've learned She's just here to make you guys feel so old no she genuinely does but here's the other thing she's not even in tune with her generation that's the weirdest part she makes us feel old because she's she's just can I argue I'm gonna be your lawyer here okay what I found about the younger generation because I was at We Spa last night and there was one guy out of eight young 19 year old asian dudes they followed me in the jade sauna you get followed in all the rooms right so i'm in the jade sauna and these nine dudes just sit around and i go to the jade sauna at the we spa because no one ever goes in there so they just call sat around me and one guy goes you're bobby lee right and i go yeah yeah and the rest of the guy's like why the fuck are we doing in here man who the fuck is this guy oh that's nice of them yeah my point is is that everyone he watches podcasting but everyone has so many options yeah to watch right that it's like she has so many options we didn't have that growing up when we grew up we had four channels that we could watch and there's six shows that we had

you know what I mean

so that's why we know

who Gary Coleman is

if you did one show

everybody knew you

yeah

now you'd have to do

about ten shows

and then a few people

might start to get to know

who you are

like the Tonight Show

would have changed

one appearance

would have changed

your life

you would have gone from

no money

to a millionaire

yeah

by doing Johnny Carson

real talk

this is bigger for me than doing like a late now you're my friends and shit but this is bigger for me than doing stand-up on a late night show alpha brain from on it you know those times when you're so into what you're doing that you can't think about anything else andrew yep the times when you're at your most and productive? When I'm zoned in. Psychologists call that feeling of being in the zone flow state.
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You're my friends. This show is huge.
Like, the special's coming out. Like, what better place to do it than here? Well, people need to.
What is the special called, by the way? It's called Hat Trick. So I did all three rooms at the comedy store.
You bring me up in the original room. I do 15 minutes there.
I'll stick Twixes in my butthole for you. Oh, shit, man.
I don't need you to do that, but I appreciate it. left twix or twix yeah i said twixes twirl two that's what we said that's what we said earlier yeah so i bounce around all the rooms and then finish in the belly and it's yeah you did you did oh our main belly yeah but here's the best part that i think people need to know about this restaurant because i'm being genuine he sent it to me i watched it and i called him on the car ride home when i was driving back from simi fucking valley uh the most beautiful thing is it's hard to encapsulate what it's like to go live to the comedy store it's almost it's almost impossible to encapture that on film because everything has to be like shot and overshot and filmed and taken from different angles and his was done so organically it felt like a night at the club because it was a fucking night at the club.
I directed it. Right.
So there's only one camera going at the same time so you don't get shots of the audience or whatnot? It's not a lot of reaction shots of the crowd, but there's multiple angles and stuff. Yeah.
So you see me from different angles. You see back of heads.
It just feels like I wanted the ultimate fly on the wall experience at the comedy store. Amazing.
Because every special, there's like like neons and shit it doesn't even look like the place that we perform at every night right I just wanted to like not put lipstick on the pig just fucking show the place and you can't even eat pig which is kind of ironic about this whole thing but oh come on it's good I gotta get somewhere it is I'm talking about. All right.
No, but it is. It's incredible.
But it looks like a fucking night at our home. Amazing.
Yeah. You get a lot of backstage stuff.
Like you walking backstage. Yeah, just talking in the hallway.
Outside of the parking lot. Yeah, parking lot.
Green room. Just like walking through the bar to get upstairs.
It's really cool. It's a really magical place.
Let's rank the clubs in LA, the three. No, don't do that.
I want to do this. You trying to make enemies? I don't want to make enemies.
I just want to tell you what your number one place is. Well, the comedy store for everybody in this room.
That's our home. So comedy store's number one.
Number two. Flappers.
I was going to go, ha ha. I knew.
I beat the joke. Yeah, Flappers is good.
I've never really been. I did a JFL showcase there once and then they asked would I come back and I said yeah I just I never have gone I have no beef with any of those other places I just don't go yeah it's almost like I'm sure like there's restaurants that people are like you have you never eaten there and you're like I see it I just never stop by I know it's there but I know what Bobby's ranking is I wouldn't feel like a piece of shit by saying this right now I do it because I just never stop by.
I know it's there, but I know what Bobby's ranking is. I want to feel like a piece of shit by saying this right now.
No, do it. Because I want to talk about flappers.
Go ahead. Okay.
So the woman that runs it, nice lady, Barbara. I don't know.
So Barbara, when she's opening it, right? She calls me. She goes, I'm opening a comedy club.
Cool. She goes, I go, what weekends can I play? She's like, oh, no, you're not a weekend guy.
You're a Tuesday, Wednesday guy, right? And I go, well, who's your weekend guy? She goes, names me a couple of comics that I know that doesn't even remotely draw the way I do. Yeah, Barf McGofferson.
Yeah, yeah. And I go, no.
And then I saw her at the improv maybe a month ago. And she's there hanging out.
She's in the room I don't know upstairs and she basically goes how come you don't play my club and I didn't know how to say because I'm a Tuesday Wednesday guy oh my god yeah but I think if you say that there or do you just hold it in and make it turn into a cancer later so a guy like me goes you know I just don't do it but a guy like you a guy like you badly wants to use it because you love vindictive shit you love payback it's one of your favorite things in the world but I didn't I go okay I know but I'm surprised because you want to bad but deep down there is a part of it that goes yeah I'm busy on Tuesday Wednesday nights I go to my AA meeting Tuesdays that's the cool way to Yeah, yeah. But I didn't do that because I'm trying to change my ways.

Well, I told you I'm proud of you.

I'm trying to be a better person.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we just want to say thank you to Fahim.

Thank you.

Because he has a great special

that's out right now on YouTube.

It is called,

Did I Sign a Waiver?

By Fahim Anwar.

No, it's called The Hat Trick.

Please watch The Hat Trick on YouTube right now.

It would mean a lot to us.

Yeah, just youtube.com slash Fahim Anwar. Please tell the fans to fucking watch that.
Fahim Anwar. Fahim Anwar.
Waver, waver. I love you, Fahim.
Thank you so much for having me. Watch The Hat Trick.
I'll talk to you later. Thank you, buddy.
We love you. Give him some love.
Love you. Give him some fucking love.
God bless. You're the best.
I'll call you later. Tonight? Are you sore? Tomorrow.
All right, I'll see you there. I'll call you later, buddy.

Now that Fahim is gone, what do you think of him?

Because now we can talk shit now because I know that that's your favorite thing to do.

Yeah.

I don't talk shit, but...

See, negative things.

We like negative so that we can work through it.

Well, we're being positive.

For the next month, we said we'd be positive.

We want you to be the negative one on the show.

His nose is very Jewish. So you don't think he's Muslim? You think he's a Jew? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say that, but then I thought it would be mean.
Yeah. Oh, you want to say that in front of him? Yeah.
No, you should have. That would have been so funny.
So funny. But you know, now he's going to hear and see this after the fact.
But that's okay. You don't mean anything mean by it.
Right? But that's your only impression. You just were looking at his nose the whole time? Yeah.
Some girls think he's sexy. Do you think he's sexy? I don't know.
He's cute. Yeah, he's cute.
In what way? Like Aladdin. How Aladdin was cute.
He doesn't even look brown. What does he look, white? No, see, this is the problem.
Because she hates whites. He's too light brown for her.
Yeah. Right? You want a darker brown.
Yeah. Yeah, she likes darker brown.
You like darker brown. He's too light-skinned Muslim.
Too light, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
What do you think of the religion? I love Muslims. What do you think of the religion? Are you setting her up? No the religion are you setting her up I don't mind it it's what do you know about it what do you know about it they don't eat pork what's their god called Allah that's all that's all I know praise Allah what's the book called there it is you heard almost um I don't know.
Karaoke. Karaoke.
The book of karaoke. Yeah.
Yeah. Quran.
Quran. Yeah.
And what else do they believe? As a woman, what else do they believe for women? Women should walk. Women should wear all those coverings because.
And they should walk behind the man. And.
And speak when they're spoken to. And serve the man.
And serve the man. How do you feel about that? I don't want...
I don't like that. I know.
I'm trying to be a Muslim out here. You too.
Why don't you like it? Don't Muslim men, they can marry a lot of women? First of all, this doesn't apply to all branches of it. We're generalizing.
almost nothing about it i don't even know what i'm talking about all i know is this this is all i fucking why would you want to marry more than one fucking woman that would be a headache headache nightmare how many like when i see those polygamous fucking that show that's on like tlc or whatever that guy that has like six wives why the fuck would you want that many fucking what that's insane sister wives this fucking psycho and by the way bring up the image of these people look at what these people look like good look at what these people look like i don't know i don't know what do they look like just click on the photo zoom in zoom in and let me let me say something mean it's like they photoshop the same face on everybody it's him it's yeah yeah yeah it's him as different yeah same person. That's him as different women.
Yeah, yeah. And I gotta tell you, you took- Like, which one would you fuck? You got four swings and you struck- Honestly, out of them, which one would you spend the most with? The girl in the far right.
Oh, yeah, the girl in the far right? Yeah. Where's the guy at, though? I don't know.
I don't know if there is a guy at this point. Oh, they just show the wives in that photo? What do you mean? That's the guy.
I know. You dickhead.
But like emperors back in the day, like in China, right? Yeah. They used to have like 200 concubines.
That's different though. Why? Those are just women they got to sleep with.
These guys have to live in a house. But still, you know those concubines.
How come you didn't, you know, I wrote you a letter. How come you didn't write me back? You know everybody.
So busy. I know, but, you know, teak teak.
You spend three days with teak teak and tong tong, right? But me, you haven't seen me in three more. Your tits are weird.
That's the fucking thing. On this show, I've seen it before.
They talk on the show about he spends more time with other women and they all get jealous what do you fucking expect what do you think is going on yeah of course he's gonna pick and choose who's got the tightest i would get the front the brunette for me the brunette if i had to pick the brunette nah not for me which one back right because she looks like she can suck a golf ball through a garden hose yeah that the back right yeah no dude look beyond beyond the idea that i don't want to make these real humans feel bad i just think it's not my fucking i don't give a fuck you can go do whatever you want to be happy with as many people as you want what's that photo that's all the kids they have the wait wait wait their kids have kids wait wait wait but they have to fuck each other he has kids with all the women. They have the, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Their kids have kids. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
But they have to fuck each other.

He has kids with all the women?

That's not true.

He has kids, I think, with every woman, I think.

I don't know.

Oh, that headache.

Yeah, balancing that.

I forget all, first of all, remembering their names is nuts.

Also, imagining him doing a five-way divorce, the alimony.

Well, insane.

Yeah.

Insane.

You're broke.

You're homeless.

I mean, how do you remember all these kids' names?

That was always impressive to me. I, I, I'm one of of two kids and i was an only child for a while before my sister yeah my mom forgot my name all the all the time there's a system that you can do it i think what is it what is it so what i would do is if one of the women's name is angie uh-huh i can memorize the five women's names right so their kids would all start with an A and N.
Right, correct. Right? So Angie, Anjo.
Andrew would have been an easier one. No, Andrew would be one of them, but Anjo would be one.
Anjo, my brother. Anjo is the oldest, right? An-ji.
An-ji. Anji's my wife.
Yeah, but they could have an Anji. Anji, the woman.
If I have a daughter right Anjo Anji Right Angelica Angelica Angelo Angel Angel would be a good one And then if my other wife Whose name is Brianica B-R Bianca Bianca Even harder B-I Way harder Let's try Bianca though Okay go for it B One whose name is B B-E-E Yeah B-E-A Yeah One would be B-I, way harder. Let's try Bianca, though.
Okay, go for it. B? One of his name is B? B-E-E.
Yeah, yeah. B-E-A.
Yeah. One would be B-B.
One would be B? The other one would be B-B. No, how hard that is? B-B-B-B! Yeah, I wouldn't do three Bs.
B-B-B-B, come over here! And then B-B comes over, and I said three Bs! Listen, idiot! You fucking idiot! Listen when I'm calling you and your sister. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think there's,

to be able to remember all of those kids

and be in line with

whose kid went with which woman,

that would fuck you,

that would fuck me up too.

They all look the same.

No, but this is what you do.

He fucked up.

He fucked it up.

You marry different races.

Yeah, he got all whites,

which is such a...

One black girl.

Yep.

So I know,

you know what I mean? One black, one Asian one Asian one uh black you would have a Mexican one black Mexican out being Asian I couldn't do an Asian I could do an Asian one if I'm full Asian you should have a white I definitely have a white yeah those are my good-looking ones well you have to get loans for these houses somehow yeah all right so so you have a black, so you have a black one and an Asian. An Asian one.
I would probably have a Mexican one. A Mexican.
But that's so close to Asian. I think my kids would kind of look Asian.
No, no, no. If it's Mexican, Mexican.
Indigenous Mexican. Indigenous Mexican.
Yeah. And then Native American.
That's same as Indigenous. No, Mexican Native American look very different.
Indigenous you're saying indigenous people of Mexico indigenous people of Mexico and Native Americans are too similar I would go South Asian okay okay what I'm not South Asian you're not Asian at all as far as I'm concerned. You know what? I would marry two whites.
I would marry an American white, but check this out in my thinking, okay? A Russian white because my kids will have knives. Oh, yes.
Right? Yes. Because I saw Eastern Promises.
What's that movie? Eastern Promises, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Fucking Steam Room. Yeah.
Those kids are good at violence. Yeah.
And if one of my kids is playing with a bear outside, go yeah that's my russian one yes yeah yeah that's look at there's a never go to a steam room with a russian no yeah yeah no let him go and let him come out and then you get in and lock the door yeah lock yourself inside the steamer what would you have all whites no no no you know what i would do well with me it would look with the red hair thing would stand out with anybody if i had a black wife but we had a black kid with red hair because you know have you seen this there's black kids with red hair yeah like my i have a buddy who's black with freckles that is a lot of freckles don't like it fuck you you know what your kids would all look like sinbad one of the coolest guys of all time she has no idea who that is yeah show me sinbad sinbad the comedian he's the fucking man a successful awesome comedian i'll take that i thought the lion yeah so these are all that's my andrew's kids yeah with a black woman go to the one with the mohawk a little bit yeah that's me back in the 80s though sinbad in the 80s you think what with a lion what did you say simba oh simba oh simba it just gets harder and harder with what you're doing.

Know what you're talking about before you say it.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.