Open Chucanos & Closed Chichitos & Live Pekitos

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Can let me ask you something. How does OnlyFans work? Because I know what it is.
We know how it works. What happens is you can put almost anything on there.
It doesn't have to be nudity anymore.

Speaker 1 It can be...

Speaker 1 You can do anything. There's people on there that are making like tens of thousands of dollars a month and all they're doing is showing feet.
Wow.

Speaker 1 We don't even have to show nudity, and we can still make a bunch of money. Can I show the cracks of my feet because I have fungi on it? Yes.
I think that's a subcategory. Maybe growth.

Speaker 1 I can do a growth thing every day. Yes.
You know what I mean? Yes.

Speaker 1 Do you think people like that? Do you think people would like our OnlyFans? Yeah.

Speaker 1 See selling feet pics, making $200 a day. We would make way more than that.
So, in terms of women, what do women show on OnlyFans? Some of them show just sexy lingerie.

Speaker 1 Some of them show them changing into like

Speaker 1 stuff that they bought, like sexy stuff. Some of them are showing their chocha and their

Speaker 1 toranos. Their totanos and their chochano.

Speaker 1 Some of them show their chochanos. Is it porn? Is there sex? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Is there sex? Yes, there's full of stuff.

Speaker 1 So I can go on OnlyFans, and let's suppose, like, you know, Mrs. Bringardner.
Mrs. Baumgartner.
Baumgartner. Mrs.
Baumgartner down the street has an OnlyFans. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And, you know, she makes love to Ted Baumgardner. Right.
And they make love. I can pay for that and watch them make love.
Yeah. I'm going to take it.

Speaker 1 At a premium level, you can watch these people either. Some people, not everybody has sexy stuff on there.
Some people just do regular. There's like now they wanted to get into gaming.

Speaker 1 They want comics on there. OnlyFans wants.
Can you set the prices? So let's, this, hypothetically, if you and I wanted to do OnlyFans, right?

Speaker 1 And we wanted to really do anal intercourse. Okay.

Speaker 1 If we wanted to do anal, I would never do this, by the way. When you say weed, you mean if you wanted to do it.
You and I did it. Yeah, if we did it together, but only you wanted to do it.

Speaker 1 And I was just doing it to support you because I'm your good friend. That would probably be the case.
That's definitely the case. I'd have to convince you to do it.

Speaker 1 But once I convince you to do it, would you do it? Yeah, but we. But then what would we set the price at?

Speaker 1 Eight

Speaker 1 million? Eight or ten bucks, maybe like something like that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But what I'm saying is that, and then once we did it, why can't can somebody screenshot it or download the video and then put it on YouTube?

Speaker 1 So I think they're working on security measures to make it so you can't steal that stuff, but I think as of right now, it's very stealable. I think people do steal stuff and put it up on the internet,

Speaker 1 but they're working on privacy now. Look, their whole thing was they were going to get rid of porn.
Do you not remember this?

Speaker 1 They were going to say, they put out, there was a thing where they were like, we're going to stop doing porn. People freaked out because so much of their revenue is from porn.

Speaker 1 So then they were like, sorry, sorry, sorry. We didn't mean it.
We didn't mean it. It'd be like Playboy being like, we're not going to show boobs anymore.
People are like, that's not,

Speaker 1 that's all you are. Yeah.
But now people are making a really good living and some of them aren't even showing much. So we don't like, you don't have to show your cotano and your cho-chichu.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you don't have to show your cho-chichu if you don't want. Chu Chichi Chu.
But you make more money if you show your cho-chichu. Yeah.
Look at that. Black China earns 20 million a month.
A month?

Speaker 1 A month. Bella Thorne, 11 million a month.
Cardi B, 9 million a month. Taiga.
Whoa, Taiga.

Speaker 1 Taiga is showing his he's showing his pequito. Yeah.
His pequito is live on there. I've heard that you can see Taiga's Paquito.
Yeah. And Mia Khalifa, $6 million.
$6 million. A year, Not a month.

Speaker 1 A year? A month. No, dude, monthly earnings.
Month? Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 Month? Buddy.

Speaker 1 We're in the wrong game, dude. 100%.
We got to show our open chicano. Open chicano.

Speaker 1 And a chronicito. Yeah.
And you're filming it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why me? Who else is going to do it? These guys are busy working. I don't want to see you guys.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something. Listen.

Speaker 1 Listen. You don't have to look.
Just look at the monitor. Right.

Speaker 1 But just see if the camera is in the right position and then look away. How hard would it be not to laugh for her, though, the whole time?

Speaker 1 The moment she sees,

Speaker 1 the moment she sees, you'll laugh so hard. Are there either of our buttholes? Right.
And then the pain,

Speaker 1 the initial entrance of the pain in my face, you would laugh so hard. It's so funny.
And then we would be laughing because I'd be like, dude, it's too... You're going in too rough.
When you know me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. No,

Speaker 1 no, no.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to be able to do it down. No way.
Put spit in it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. No, dry as a bone.

Speaker 1 That's like, it's uh took that that link i sent you of the video that woman from youtube yeah i posted this the other day not that one the other one the other one we'll get to that one the this one bro

Speaker 1 this somehow went viral on the internet yeah again uh

Speaker 1 this woman there's a show called uh what's it called suit celebrity super spa and these women think they're going in to wax a woman yeah but you don't get to see it but this is her reaction when she sees a man's butthole for the a man's butthole for the first time okay i love it this would be rudy if she walked in on you and me okay here we go.

Speaker 1 The other side of this dorm expecting to see a big burly man or a handsome young man. Who cares?

Speaker 1 As long as he's a man. Yes.

Speaker 1 Are they English?

Speaker 1 Hello. Hi guys.

Speaker 1 Dude, stop, stop. Push past me.
I think she was expecting to see a man and she got a woman. That's a woman's butthole.
She's fired. No, but keep going.
This is the best part.

Speaker 1 She's got the giggles. Remember in school when you couldn't stop laughing?

Speaker 1 Fire.

Speaker 1 I love when you try to hold it together. If I was the Matt Luquisha, get in here.

Speaker 1 Here you go. She tries.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Give her a second. Hold it together.
You got this. You got this.
Come on.

Speaker 1 Cool.

Speaker 1 They don't show it. No, they can't show it.
But this was years ago. I don't even know what it was.
It was on this reality show, obviously. Yeah.
From there, but that would be you. And you know what?

Speaker 1 The next one I sent you, this would be the next version of this. A TikTok girl got her vibrator stuck in her butt.
Look at that. Look at the x-ray.

Speaker 1 That's you, by the way. Do you know how much stuff I would stick in your butt? What do you mean? I would not let it.
I would put it so far up it couldn't come back.

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm going to say something right right now. Uh-huh.
It's not a fucking warehouse. Yes, down.
Yes, it is. That's an Amazon warehouse.

Speaker 1 My butthole

Speaker 1 is so tight.

Speaker 1 Yes, dude.

Speaker 1 My poop looks like angel hair pasta.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's so fucking tight.

Speaker 1 You said it was loose. Yeah, it's loose.
Okay, it's

Speaker 1 angel hair pasta. All right, listen.
Mine's ravioli. Rock.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's listen, all butthole in the entrance is very, very tight. Yeah.
Okay. When you get deep, it becomes, there's more space.
It widens out. It widens like a vase.
It's like a little vase, right?

Speaker 1 So, but initially, to get it into the doorway, you're not going to be able to get a bunch of stuff in the doorway

Speaker 1 unless you open the doorway. That's right.
If you do some carpentry work,

Speaker 1 right, right.

Speaker 1 And then there's blood. A little massaging.
Yeah, there's. Oh, you think massaging is the only thing? I'm going to massage it right open.
So it starts like this and then.

Speaker 1 No, I feel like there's scissors. Oh, I've got to to go.
Yeah, like, click, click, click, clip. And I'm like, dude, that hurts.
Yeah, well,

Speaker 1 it's like Joker's mouth.

Speaker 1 Why so? Why?

Speaker 1 Yeah, this girl got a vibrator stuck in her tush. What a bummer.
What a bummer. I tell a joke about this on stage.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 When we were in Austin, like someone approached Bobby with an x-ray that looked exactly like this.

Speaker 1 Wait, really? Yeah. I don't remember this.
But what was the x-ray of again? Of a flashlight. Oh, a guy had a a flashlight up his X-ray.
Oh, that's why he gave me the X-ray.

Speaker 1 What was someone looking for up there? Oh, so why show me?

Speaker 1 Well. I'm not a doctor.
But did you think it was cool to see? It was a cool thing to see, obviously. But why show me? You don't have to be in the middle of the year to appreciate.

Speaker 1 You asked when you, I mean, she was a girl working at the AER, and Bobby asked, oh, have you seen any weird stuff? So then she asked me. You asked.
Oh, I did ask.

Speaker 1 I did ask. That's an easy fix.
Jules, never put anything in your butthole. I won't.
I know. Never.
Not even a penis. I won't.
Not even penis. I won't.
Not even penis. Your face looks like me.

Speaker 1 I don't want that. It's scary.
But you already have, huh? No, no. That's the face of the story now.
No. Don't ever put anything in your butthole.

Speaker 1 Because once you do it once, you want to do it again and again and again.

Speaker 1 It never stops. Yeah.
I never liked it. Huh? You tried? Please.
Come on. You see this thing? I'm a Fiji man, buddy.

Speaker 1 This goes right up there.

Speaker 1 Honestly, I don't think anything has been up there. No chance.
No, I can't. I'm so scared.
I'm so scared of putting anything on my side of my for a joke. I put candy bars.

Speaker 1 You put a candy bar on your butt? Well, Aries Shifier put a Twix in my butthole. The left one or the right one?

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Twix joke. You know what I mean? That's very funny.
Did you put two Twix? No, just one. The left one.

Speaker 1 Is Twix? Twix is. I got unfollows.
What do you mean you got unfollows? The OnlyFans photo.

Speaker 1 Wait, why would people unfollow because of that?

Speaker 1 Because I have some fans that follow me because I'm on certain things that they like me on, but then it's like they have Christian, you know what I mean, foundations.

Speaker 1 I think this is a very

Speaker 1 followable photo. No, I always, whenever I put something provocative on, I lose about a thousand fans.
Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with that? Not a thousand, like maybe

Speaker 1 250 people start unfollowing.

Speaker 1 You actually have a lot of Christian fans? I have some, yeah. Like church going? Well, Koreans are really church.

Speaker 1 I didn't know this till I did that show Beef with them, that so many Koreans are like bombarded by the church. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I didn't know. It's the number one religion in Korea, Christianity.

Speaker 1 Can you sing any Christian songs? Do you remember any songs from when you were a kid? Yeah. Which one is that?

Speaker 1 Jesus will love me, yes, I know.

Speaker 1 For the Bible, tell me so.

Speaker 1 Dun dun dun nun nun dun dun dun dun.

Speaker 1 Dun nun nun na nun.

Speaker 1 That is. No, I feel like you're doing this.

Speaker 1 I feel like that's what you're doing. I'm doing the exact same rhythm.
No, I know. You sped it up.
No, I did it. You made it racist.
How? Do your song, then do your song.

Speaker 1 Jesus, I love me, yes, I know.

Speaker 1 For the Bible, tell me so.

Speaker 1 Right. That and that rhythm is

Speaker 1 that is right.

Speaker 1 That's right, what it is. It's, and there's a gong at the end.
Gong, gong,

Speaker 1 Jesus.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, no, the amount of Koreans in church, it was wild.
We did a scene in a church. Yeah.
And all of these guys were talking about. But the Moonies.
You know about the Moonies, right? I don't.

Speaker 1 You know about the Moonies. I swear to God, I don't know what that is.
Look at the fucking guy. Sit down.
Oh, speaking of church going weirdos. Oh, yeah.
Fucking weird. Let's go, woo, woo.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, put on the headphones. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you our

Speaker 1 guest segment right now.

Speaker 1 He looks like if Oscar Isaac was super sick.

Speaker 1 I'll take it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll take it. Oscar, you have him?

Speaker 1 What happened? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to introduce our guest segment that we're bringing in some of our friends sometimes.
He's only going to stay for as long as we can put up with him.

Speaker 1 He is one of the funniest, most talented dudes I've ever met in my life. He's my oldest friend in comedy.
We literally met how many years ago now?

Speaker 1 So many. 15.
Wait, wait, who took me first, me or him?

Speaker 1 I think Santino. Yeah, we started open mics together.
Let me ask ask you

Speaker 1 more. Who's helped me more?

Speaker 1 You. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 In what way? Early on, Bobby would take me on the road. He was like the first guy to take me on the road.
What did he pay you? That's not important. No, see, that is very important.

Speaker 1 Why is that important? Because my friendship and my love has been more than the money that you've given him. It's not about money.

Speaker 1 It's about helping him. Did you get any opportunities?

Speaker 1 Did you get any opportunities from him taking you on the road? Yeah, I got to headline some clubs after I featured for him occasionally. Thank you.
What? Sea rooms?

Speaker 1 For love? For like 80 bucks? Hey, see, you're being negative and mean. All right, let's reel it back.
Reel it back. That's really nice that he helped you out a lot.
But I'm also an older friend.

Speaker 1 That is true. I've known him longer.
Let me ask you this so far. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Fahim Anwar.
Let's get it.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for having me. Fahim, by the way, has a special coming out.

Speaker 1 He's putting out a special. It comes out May 27th.
May 27th. On my YouTube channel.

Speaker 1 It's very hard to get. That's where the hottest specials are coming out nowadays.

Speaker 1 So it's already been out. So it's already out right now on YouTube.
It's blowing up, right? We already know it is. It's fucking huge.
It's 48 million views the first hour.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I heard it's more than Gangnam style, which was surprising to me. For a special, like, normally, you know what? K-pop is doing K-pop numbers.
You know why he said Gangnam style. That was racist.

Speaker 1 That was very racist. No, I don't even see K-pop numbers.

Speaker 1 Stop, right? How dare you come into my fucking house and say Gangam style. Get him, dude.
Right?

Speaker 1 It's like if you came in here, I said, here's some sand. But you do that all the time.
You do?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I say thank you.

Speaker 1 I say thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The fact that at your wedding, can we throw sand instead of rice? That's what we do. That's like you're making fun, but that's a tradition.
We throw sand.

Speaker 1 It's funny that you're racist towards him, and because you think he's from the Middle East, he's fucking Italian. Yeah, I'm Italian, dude.
This kid's from northern Italy.

Speaker 1 His family's from North Africa. He's from Afghanistan.
No, he's not.

Speaker 1 Well, first of all, he's from Seattle.

Speaker 1 He's from Seattle, but the origins of him. His dad is Italian.
His dad was a chef. Tell him about yourself.
Chef Boyard? Boyardi, yeah.

Speaker 1 Fahim, did you know Rudy? Have you guys met? I only know of Rudy. Hello.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 Big fan. Big fan.
She was at the comedy store shit. Big fan, too? Yeah.
Yeah. Because my thing is doing game style numbers, right?

Speaker 1 Have you seen his special on Netflix? I mean, on

Speaker 1 CISO. Sorry.
I'm wearing a special. Did you see a special in CISO? Nobody saw it.
CISO didn't even see the special in CISO. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Fahim has put out a special. It's out right now for the fans.

Speaker 1 Be honest, Bobby. One of the funniest comics you know.
I'm dead serious. Here's what I want to say about Fihi Manoar.
Number one, he's probably the best joke writer out there.

Speaker 1 He's always doing new shit, clever shit.

Speaker 1 I don't like following him because it's like, I just feel like my shit's so old compared to his. It's so relevant and so edgy, too, and just crisp.
I think you're the nicest guy, too.

Speaker 1 Very talented, good actor, good writer. You're all around a super, super talented guy.
I couldn't even look at your eyes when I give you the comment

Speaker 1 You were Fox News' number one brown comedian this year. Tucker Carlson named me a star to watch, which I thought was like.
Are you being real? No.

Speaker 1 Why would I want that vote of confidence? Are you on this show? What do you mean?

Speaker 1 What are you talking? Of course, it's not real. You think Tucker Carlson likes this guy? Like, it's Variety Top 10.
Like, visit my comics to watch. Let me tell you the comics you need to see.

Speaker 1 Here's a brown piece of shit that I've had a little faith for.

Speaker 1 Any place is good for him. Well, he wouldn't be nice about it.
There's no way. Yeah.
No,

Speaker 1 Fahim's special is called Pro-Life because it's relevant to what's going on. It's like called Pro-Life? Because it's through Tucker's YouTube vertical.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 I didn't want to call it that, but he was pretty animant about that. He was like, this or bust? And I go, yeah, I need this heat.

Speaker 1 And Fahim, for people that want to know how, because here's the thing about Americans. They'll look at this guy and they go, all right, do I really want to listen to this Brownie? Right.

Speaker 1 And I'll say this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I know nobody, and I mean nobody in our friendship circle that is more of an American toton root and tootin freedom fighter ex-veteran than this guy yeah he is definitely some of those things yes yeah yeah i'm not an ex-veteran i got to squash that right off the bat

Speaker 1 yeah i don't want to do stolen valor let me say something because the things that we were talking about earlier yeah you'd be feel very uncomfortable with so i think we should revisit those things the only fans yes what would you think about me and bobby starting an only fans it'd be a great move

Speaker 1 yeah yeah told you but like would you be cameraman

Speaker 1 No, I have too many things going on. Like, I don't need to do that.
You're busy.

Speaker 1 But the amount of money we're going to charge, we're charging $8 million

Speaker 1 because we're going to butt fuck.

Speaker 1 Well, well, well, well, I'm going to butt fuck him. Yeah.
What if you switch? He's never going to.

Speaker 1 I'm the buffo-e. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
He's a, I'm a fucking. And if we said we'll give you a million dollars every time.

Speaker 1 That's kind of what it's going to look like.

Speaker 1 So I'll give you.

Speaker 1 When are these taken and where were they taken?

Speaker 1 20 minutes ago in the front row.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you something that's crazy about this photo?

Speaker 1 Honestly, your ball sack looks like a pussy from the back.

Speaker 1 Rudy's nodding. Doesn't it look like a pussy from the back? It's like a fat pussy.

Speaker 1 Bro, that looks like a fat fucking puss. You got a fat Jojito back there, baby.

Speaker 1 Dude, swear to God, that does. It looks kind of hot.
I'm not going to lie.

Speaker 1 I hate my ass. What's wrong with your ass? It's so flat.

Speaker 1 I want to get the Brazilian thing. The buttlift.
The buttlift. Yeah, yeah.
And you have to be in a wheelchair when you're at the gate. Have you seen it?

Speaker 1 Like, when women get the procedure done, like, all of them have to be in a wheelchair.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 By the way, this is going to come back to haunt us for sure. Yeah, I think it's a good idea.
Yeah, we just threw this on the internet, like morons. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, there's no way that's not going to fucking ruin our career at some point. So you wouldn't be cameraman if we gave you a million dollars every time to shoot us.

Speaker 1 Yeah. A million bucks? Yeah, I don't need it.
I don't need the money that bad. Wow.
The special is doing very well.

Speaker 1 Here's the thing about him, what I love about him. He has principles.
He does. So back when he was young, I've brought this book, but I got to bring it up in front of

Speaker 1 Matt TV, right?

Speaker 1 This kid was working at Boeing. Yeah.
Right? And all he wanted to do was comedy and television. So I walk up to him and I go, listen, I have a sketch on Matt TV that Dave Navarro's on.

Speaker 1 And I just need you to be in the sketch. He goes, what is it? I told him what it was.
He goes, nah. Yeah.
He has principles. That's always been Fahim's move.
Yeah, I like that about him.

Speaker 1 I just like doing things that I like, you know? Rah.

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Speaker 1 Fame just got back from a corporate gig, literally. And now we're over here.
I was in Colorado today. Denver.
But let's do. No, no, no, Keystone.

Speaker 1 So you did a corporate gig right before this one because I know you. Oh, my God.
Yeah. And you talked about

Speaker 1 Fox in San Diego. No, it was in Calabasas.
In In Calabasas. Probably the worst gig I've ever done.
And he bombed so badly. So hard.
Kirket? No, I indicted. Silence.

Speaker 1 Everyone didn't do great, but I think I took the cake that show. You bombed? Oh, yeah.
Because it was a corporate. And sometimes corporates, it's not set up like a comedy club.

Speaker 1 They like try to re they see you at a comedy club. Yeah.
And they're like, oh, I want to do this for my corporate retreat.

Speaker 1 And they try to build a comedy club in a hotel ballroom, and it's fucking weird. And it's sad.
Yes, because there's like all these tables and then the room is way too cavernous.

Speaker 1 You know, there's way too much space. Yeah.
And there's just a weird thing. You're in a fucking Marriott.
It just feels so weird. And also they'll be like, we're chill.
Like, anything goes.

Speaker 1 Just let it rip. But you made a point that if any place has an HR department, that that's not going to go well.
Of course not. Because I just did Chris Spencer's wife's

Speaker 1 show for her teachers at a school.

Speaker 1 And backstage, I'm like, should I go on? Who would hire you for that? Chris Spencer. Chris says, just do your thing.
Fucking idiot. I go, yeah, but I say so many crazy things.

Speaker 1 He's like, they're into it. No, they're not.

Speaker 1 And Moz went up before me. You know how likable and PCE is, right?

Speaker 1 I walked up here and the first thing that came out, it was

Speaker 1 silence.

Speaker 1 It was dead, dead. Yeah.
And then all of a sudden, I could feel this one sweat dripping down my face. You're right.
Oh, I've been there. And I knew I was in for the worst 15 minutes.
Oh, Bob.

Speaker 1 It was terrible. I went too dark too soon because I believe the guy when they're like, we're cool with whatever.
It's just like, let it rip. You know, don't pretend you're doing a corporate.

Speaker 1 Just do it

Speaker 1 handicap on Nike.

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 1 It did some other one, but like, they tensed up so much because if they say do whatever and they have an HR department, like if you're around these people eight hours Monday through Friday and you're not allowed to say certain things, you're not going to be able to turn that part of your brain off and be like, oh, now I can do that.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And the people that do do that get fired immediately at a Christmas party because they honk, you know, Karen's tits.
And then someone's like, you honked Mark.

Speaker 1 Do you know what you did last night he's like it's a Christmas party and he's fired on Monday yeah yeah they did those things are a fucking nightmare I did one one time and I ate such a fucking pile of dicks for 30 minutes at the Pacific Design Center I almost didn't even want the money and you're making like

Speaker 1 $600 a show at these colleges that your agents and your managers

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Speaker 1 dot com code of course is bad friends to save up to six hundred dollars hydro.com code is bad friends just take 30 it's a fucking nightmare yeah you take a bus to fucking college town to college it was the fucking worst and i did that for fucking years so look at you now baby god you beat the system didn't you pop no i i but but isn't there i don't know this is cocky but

Speaker 1 Isn't there a part of you that's like, you know, some of the success, I feel like I earned it. No, you definitely earned it.
Do you feel that? Well, yeah, you, you fucking. Do you feel it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was a lot of work.

Speaker 1 It was so much work. But it's mostly work that no one sees.
That's the problem.

Speaker 1 No one sees that, you know. Well, it's all the grinding night in and night out, all the clubs.
You know, nobody sees that.

Speaker 1 So many people in this town want to go to parties, the birthday parties, and go to some house party and shit and try to like get ahead that way.

Speaker 1 Nobody just wants to go to the shitty bar show and work on their craft for several years until they get very good. But this town does reward people.

Speaker 1 I mean, I've never met someone who's fallen face first into such a great situation. And she's not even grateful for that.
She doesn't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 This is the problem with the generation. You had to work for it.
She doesn't.

Speaker 1 She has more followers on Instagram than most of our friends. How many followers do you have on Instagram?

Speaker 1 Less than Rudy, probably. How much do you have, though? 73.
Yeah, she's 100,000. 100,000.
And she's done literally.

Speaker 1 20 years he's been doing it.

Speaker 1 You've done nothing. And he has a craft, and he's extremely good at it.
So good. He has, I can't do this.
What is that?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 You can't do nothing. She is the lounge.

Speaker 1 She is the lounge expert. Actually, you know what? That is true.
Fahim can't do nothing. Yeah.
That would drive you nuts. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know when some people like, there's people that work jobs just so they can retire?

Speaker 1 That's the opposite of you would, that's, you know, when they say some people, they retire and it's their, that's their dream. Some people retire and they die because they just don't know.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm, I'm a, if I retire, I'll probably die. You, you're the same way.
You love work. I just need to be doing it.
Yeah, you need to do something.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can't imagine if they were like, oh, you have throat cancer.

Speaker 1 Mr. Lee, you have throat cancer.
God, I hope not. Holy fuck.
Right? And you can't talk ever again.

Speaker 1 And then what would you do? Just program your joke.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, be one of them. Hey, guys.
How's everyone doing good?

Speaker 1 Any birthday?

Speaker 1 Anybody celebrate? Lee just got talent, right? Who couldn't talk, but he was a stand-up. But all his jokes were in the thing.
Did they crush? They did.

Speaker 1 My point is that your dad could have fucking programmed your jokes. No, no, that's not the thing.
Oh, you think he's writing it? Because does his facial expressions match up to the thing?

Speaker 1 No, it's like. Look at the size of the tits on this bitch in the front row.
But he's not moving his lips. Oh.
Look at the size of the tits. No, no, no, no, no, there's no talking.

Speaker 1 It's all in the computer.

Speaker 1 I was trying to do that. But you're moving your fucking lips.
Well, I'm not a fucking ventriloquist, Bob. Oh, is that what you're doing? Yes.
Oh, my bad. God.
What are you doing?

Speaker 1 He's showing the video of it. Is this it? Lost voice guy.
That guy. Let's see this guy.

Speaker 3 hello my name is lee and for obvious reasons i'm also known as the lost voice guy see his arms his arms are covered with and how long have you lost your voice

Speaker 3 i just knew you were going to ask something that i hadn't thought about beforehand it's pretty so pleased

Speaker 1 he goes far oh that's the thing with these shows if you have some calamity or some hardship we talked about that you're going to go the furthest Here's how you win on America's Got Talent.

Speaker 1 Get hit by something. A bus, a car, a sad story.
Yeah. Or a kid or some sort of disability.
Somebody needs to be. If you have all three, you won the whole thing.
You don't have to do anything. Cancer?

Speaker 1 Yes. That's a huge one.
Somebody has to have cancer, either you or someone you love.

Speaker 1 Right. Right.
You have a disability. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you came from a tough place. Yeah.
Bum, bum, bum. But if I'll win, you know how much I'm going to do? Hmm.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go to a rooftop, right? Douse myself, right? In what?

Speaker 1 With gasoline. Oh, good.
Yeah, I think that's implied with douse. Like, nobody douses themselves in water.
Well, I get on a rooftop, I put it on sunscreen. Two different guys.

Speaker 1 I'm going to light myself on fire, then jump off, break every bone in my body. I'm going to have a couple of guys put water on me, right? Right.
And I'm going to show up, right?

Speaker 1 On America's Got Talent. And I'm going to go,

Speaker 1 and I'm going to get the golden buzzer. I'm going to win the whole thing.
Really? You think that's going to work?

Speaker 1 Can you imagine if they wheel in a guy immediately after you? Yeah. Who's like,

Speaker 1 he's an Asian guy who also set on fire and fell off a roof? Yeah. But he's gay, and then he wins just because he's gay.

Speaker 1 Right. Like,

Speaker 1 they beat you by one side. He bought me one thing.

Speaker 1 You think backstage they see the minorities, like how deformed they are, and they're like, oh, that's going to be tough to beat.

Speaker 1 Like, I just have no arms. This guy's burned and he has no legs.

Speaker 1 That guy's on fire right now.

Speaker 1 But then what I would do is I would add a lie and go, but I'm eight.

Speaker 1 Eight, yeah, eight years old. Then they're like, Oh, he's a kid.

Speaker 1 Something's wrong with him. That's a thing, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kids, they go, If you're a kid and you're okay, you're gonna go far. Yeah, but if you're a kid and disabled, oh my god, you've won.

Speaker 1 Forget about it. Give him the golden fucking buzzer.
I hate the story, too. It's like, you know, like you get this in like American Idol where they'll go,

Speaker 1 Yeah, so yeah, anyway, my best friend, my uncle, died two years ago, and I'll just go, oh.

Speaker 1 And I'm always like, boo, woo!

Speaker 1 Sing!

Speaker 1 I don't like that they try to find the story. Two years.

Speaker 1 Too angry? Two years is so long.

Speaker 1 Two years.

Speaker 1 It's like they try to come up with a story. Well, they're digging.
They're probably in backstage to go, what story am I going to tell? What bad thing? Did anybody get hurt in your family?

Speaker 1 Do you know anybody that has any tragedy? They need to pull something out. They need to pull something.
What would be your trick card? My trick card, what, to go far?

Speaker 1 Yeah, like, what would you have to use something? Look, you're a cardboard. Look in your own life.
What would be your story? You're a kid looking at me. My village got bombed.

Speaker 1 I'm not even from America.

Speaker 1 I was born in Seattle. So we're judges, right?

Speaker 1 This is called Los Angeles Got Something.

Speaker 1 LA Got Something. Yeah, LA Got Something, right? And we're both judges.
My name is Simon Chow, and you're Simon.

Speaker 1 No, if you're Simon Chow,

Speaker 1 I have to be, you know,

Speaker 1 Heidi Wong. Heidi Wong.
Simon Chow, Simon Chow and Heidi Wong. Heidi Wong.
We're both Asian.

Speaker 1 You better believe it.

Speaker 1 Hey, welcome to America, LA Got something.

Speaker 1 Right then, welcome to LA Got something.

Speaker 1 I'm Simon Chow.

Speaker 1 I'm Heidi Wong. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, tell your story. What your story? Well, first of all, what's your talent?

Speaker 1 I like to sing.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 another single. Another single boo.
A big deal. Big deal.
Yeah, so what?

Speaker 1 So tell me about yourself.

Speaker 1 I'm from Afghanistan. Oh, Oh,

Speaker 1 bad pace.

Speaker 1 Weirdly, bad pace. Really bad taste.

Speaker 1 Negro poppy seeds that make heroin.

Speaker 1 What I did for I would do that. I would

Speaker 1 make slayers.

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 1 But I sing to pass time.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 No, but then a missile hit me one day.

Speaker 1 A missile hit me.

Speaker 1 My brother. I'm about to hit my brother and and I tried to deflect but he blow up and he's not here anymore.
Oh,

Speaker 1 and Nick Cannon is like, a missile hit this motherfucker in the poppy TV

Speaker 1 losing his mind. Interesting.
So, you know, but I remember last year we had another guy from Afghanistan, his missile hit him too.

Speaker 1 But he's my my brother stepped on the IED, other brother. Oh, so you have two brothers.
Two brothers, the other one

Speaker 1 IED.

Speaker 1 So no brother anymore. That seemed pretty sad.

Speaker 1 Not so sad. Not so sad.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 no, then

Speaker 1 machete fly. Oh,

Speaker 1 the flying machete. The infamous flying machete fly.

Speaker 1 Because missile hit

Speaker 1 junkyard and machete in junkyard.

Speaker 1 Oh, we had a machete.

Speaker 1 It killed people. It sliced my mother in half.
Your mother,

Speaker 1 No mommy anymore.

Speaker 1 Well, that will happen if there was a machete that fly around it. Okay, for us now? Sing? Sing.
Now sing.

Speaker 1 I'm very nervous.

Speaker 1 It probably not good.

Speaker 1 Come on, we love the story. But I'm only eight.

Speaker 1 Oh, eight.

Speaker 1 Press the golden button.

Speaker 1 Bing mother. You don't have to shing.

Speaker 1 That would be your freedom. That would be your freedom.

Speaker 1 And you would go far, far, far. So far.
I'd have a residency in Vegas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they'd have like Photoshop pictures of my mother who machete and death.

Speaker 1 Like, this is dedicated to my mother.

Speaker 1 As you walk into the hallway to the showroom, it's got your brother blown up. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I knew the instant. I'd do a PSA.
Like, everybody, watch where you walk. Thank you, good night.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But then people would do research. Yeah, they'd find out.
And they would go, no, his mom lives in Glendale.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? But by that time, he's got the money. No, I would have a PR team who would know how to spin that and squash it.
Right.

Speaker 1 Don't worry about it. What you could do is go to your mom and go, I think they're finding out.
So we're going to have to

Speaker 1 cut you in half.

Speaker 1 But we'll cut you in half in a way, right? Where you're still going to be alive, but your legs are going to be missing. Yeah.
So then when they come over and you go, look,

Speaker 1 right? And she's going to be like, it's me.

Speaker 1 Machete.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Flying machete, mom. Yeah.
But at the end of the day, you will already have banked all that Vegas cream that who gives a shit? Yeah, who gives a shit? Would you ever do a residency in Vegas?

Speaker 1 No, I wouldn't. Well, yeah, not really, because I like doing new stuff.
You know? Like, I want to work on new stuff.

Speaker 1 And when you're doing a residency, you're just banging out the hits your whole life. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I mean, look,

Speaker 1 at some point, if you reach that point in your career when you just don't feel like writing and touring a lot, I could see being in the latter half being like, I'll do a couple years in Vegas.

Speaker 1 I always say Vegas is where you can see stars from yesteryear while sitting down. Right, yeah.

Speaker 1 I saw Boys to Men when I was there. And I love Boys to Men.
I grew up with them, but everyone was just sitting down with like a giant big gulp. I know.
We went to go see Gwen Stefani

Speaker 1 because we were going to Vegas.

Speaker 1 Little Dickie played in Vegas, like played a New Year's show a couple years ago. Well, it was four years ago now.

Speaker 1 And we were like, oh, you know, we can go see Gwen Stefani before he does his show at like midnight. I was like, she's right next door.
That's great. I think she's amazing.

Speaker 1 I was like, I've never seen her. We go, exact same thing.
No one's even wooing. There wasn't even like a woo.
Yeah. It was literally like, it was a quiet theater.
People sat.

Speaker 1 She would come out, do the thing, and then people would do this.

Speaker 1 It was so fucking weird.

Speaker 1 I was blown away that all these young girls weren't like getting

Speaker 1 excited. It was just,

Speaker 1 it was like watching a movie. I bought tickets to a comedy show when I was dating Christine.
Absolutely fucking lutely never in a million years.

Speaker 1 I know, because I didn't know him at the time, but she's Mexican and she grew up with George Lopez. Yeah.
Right? So I called my agents and I go, can you get me tickets? They're like, yeah.

Speaker 1 So they got me second row, right? But I still had to pay some. Where was this at? At some amphitheater somewhere down.
I don't know where it was. Sure.

Speaker 1 In downtown where the Staples Center, whatever it is. You took her to go see another comic is great.
But this is what I almost walked out because this is what happened. So we're sitting there.

Speaker 1 And I think I brought it up to George since then. But we're just sitting there and I'm like, why isn't this show starting?

Speaker 1 Right. And the lights turn off.
And then there's like smoke. I go, what the fuck? There may be some dancing, tap, dancing shit going on here, man.
Right.

Speaker 1 And he comes out to his back turn from the ground to the audience. Sick.
Right?

Speaker 1 And he stands there for five minutes without turning around. And that's how long the applause break was.
Wow.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I was leaving. I was leaving.
I was fucking leaving. I couldn't do it.
I fucking couldn't. But I watched it.
He was very funny. The show was good.

Speaker 1 But I paid, would you pay money for a comedy show? No. No.
Even if they're too deep. I would just use all my connections to be like, hey, can I get in?

Speaker 1 I would use agency or hit you up, say, hey, can you stop? You're in love with a new girl. Let's just say you're in love with a new girl.

Speaker 1 She is a massive comedy fan, but a fan of a comedian who's nothing like you. And you have no connection to this person.
Yakov Shmiranov. She's Russian, right? But she's pro-Ukraine.

Speaker 1 She's pro-Ukraine, but she's Russian. And you can't get to Yakov.
You can't get to Yakov because he doesn't have agents. He doesn't.
Right? And she goes, I can't. So there's Yakov, she's

Speaker 1 here's the new girl you're in love with. And she's like, Fahim, I want to see him so bad.
I miss Russia.

Speaker 1 Why won't you take me to see Yakov? And

Speaker 1 you have to pay. How much are tickets to Yakov?

Speaker 1 $3,000. What the fuck? Backstage.
VIP. VIP, Fahim.
What does VIP entail, though?

Speaker 1 He gets to yell at us in Russian for five minutes.

Speaker 1 And it's $3,000? We get, yeah, $3,000 for VIP. And

Speaker 1 he will sign my tits.

Speaker 1 But I thought you liked me. No, yeah, I want you to fuck my tits.
I want him to sign my tits.

Speaker 1 I want you to fuck where he signs on my tits.

Speaker 1 Do you still love me?

Speaker 1 Yeah, of course. But you need to take me to Tsiyakov, otherwise I will never give you blow chop again.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Here's my visa. Would you do it?

Speaker 1 Would you do it? Let's say, yeah, you have to.

Speaker 1 That That's is why I went to George. That's why you went to George.
Yeah, that's why I went to George. I had to do it.
Did you have to laugh the whole time too?

Speaker 1 Just like, like, you know, there are some parts where I'm like, oh, that was good. He's funny.
He's funny. He's really funny.
Lopez is fine.

Speaker 1 I went down an Arsenio YouTube rabbit hole because he was doing the new Arsenio stuff for Netflix during that festival. Yeah.
And then I saw George, an old George Lopez, like his premiere on Arsenio.

Speaker 1 And it was just crazy to watch a 30-year-old George Lopez

Speaker 1 on Arsenio. Just kill it.
Just so wild. Kill it.
And kill it on the couch afterwards, too. Like, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's where those guys their mark was killing on the couch do you know who our senior hall is at all no

Speaker 1 his audience used to get up and go oh oh oh oh oh oh oh nice man it was like it was the height of it was the height of like cool masculinity you ever see coming to america television you know oh okay

Speaker 1 she doesn't do much

Speaker 1 it's what we've learned she's here to make you guys feel so old no she genuinely does but here's the other thing she's not even in tune with her generation that's the weirdest part she makes us feel old because

Speaker 1 she's just a Can I argue again?

Speaker 1 I want to be a lawyer here. Okay.

Speaker 1 What I found about the younger generation, because I was at Wii Spa last night, and there was one guy out of eight young 19-year-old Asian dudes. They followed me in the Jade Sauna.

Speaker 1 You get followed into all the rooms. Right, right.
So I'm in the Jade Sauna, and these nine dudes just sit around. And I go to the Jade Sauna at the Wii Spa because no one ever goes in there.

Speaker 1 So they just sat around me. And one guy goes, you're Bobby Lee, right?

Speaker 1 And I go, yeah, yeah. And the rest of the guy's like, why the fuck are we doing in here, man? Who the fuck is this guy? Oh, that's nice of them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my point is, is that everyone, he watches podcasting, but everyone has so many options to watch, right? That it's like, she has so many options. We didn't have that growing up.

Speaker 1 When we grew up, we had four channels that we could watch. And there's six shows that we had, you know what I mean? So that's why we know who Gary Coleman is.
If you did one show, everybody knew you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Now you'd have to do about 10 shows, and then a few people might start to get to know who you are.
Like the tonight show would have changed, one appearance would have changed your life.

Speaker 1 You would have gone from no money to a millionaire by doing

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Speaker 1 Johnny Carson. Real talk? This is bigger for me than doing like a late night.
You're my friends and shit. But it's this is bigger for me than doing stand-up on the late night show.

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friends. This show is huge.
Like, the special's coming out. Like, what better place to do it than here? You know, well, people need to.

Speaker 1 What is the special call, by the way? It's called Hat-Trick. So, I did

Speaker 1 all three rooms at the comedy store. You bring me up in the original room.
I do 15-minute twists.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit, man. I don't need you to do that, but I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 It's so unfortunate. Hold on, will it be Left Twix or Right Twix? Yeah, I said Twixes.

Speaker 1 That's what we said. That's what we said earlier.
Yeah. No, no, I bounce around all the rooms and then finish in the belly.
And it's, yeah. You did, you did OR Main Belly.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But here's the the best part that I think people need to know about this special because I'm being genuine. He sent it to me.

Speaker 1 I watched it and I called him on the car ride home when I was driving back from Seami fucking Valley.

Speaker 1 The most beautiful thing is it's hard to encapsulate what it's like to go live to the comedy store.

Speaker 1 It's almost impossible to encapture that on film

Speaker 1 because everything has to be like shot and overshot and filmed and taken from different angles.

Speaker 1 And his was done so organically, it felt like a night at the club because it was a fucking night at the club.

Speaker 1 I I directed it. Right.

Speaker 1 So there's only one camera going at the same pen, so you don't get shots at the audience or whatnot?

Speaker 1 It's not a lot of reaction shots of the crowd, but like you know, there's multiple angles and stuff. Yeah.
But so you see me from different angles. You see back of heads.

Speaker 1 It just feels like I wanted an ultimate fly-on-the-wall experience at the comedy store because every special, there's like neons and shit.

Speaker 1 It doesn't even look like the place that we perform at every night. Right.
I just wanted to like not put lipstick on the pig, just fucking show the place.

Speaker 1 And you can't even eat pig, which is kind of ironic this whole thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, come on. It's good.
I got to get some more.

Speaker 1 Religion, man. Well, yeah, that's what, that's what,

Speaker 1 all right? No, but it is, it's incredible, but it looks like a fucking night at R home. Amazing.
Yeah. You get a lot of backstage stuff.
Like you walked in.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just talking in the hallway, outside the parking lot.

Speaker 1 Parking a lot, green room, just

Speaker 1 walking through the bar to get upstairs.

Speaker 1 It's really cool. It's a really magical place.
Let's rank the clubs in LA, the three. No, why don't you do that? You're trying to make enemies? I don't want to make enemies.

Speaker 1 I just want to tell you what your number one place is. Well, the comedy store is for everybody in this room.
That's our home. So comedy store is number one, number two.
Flappers.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, ha ha. I knew.

Speaker 1 I beat the joke.

Speaker 1 Flappers is good. I've never really been.

Speaker 1 I did a JFL showcase there once. And then they asked, would I come back? And I said, yeah, I just, I never have gone.
I have no beef with any of those other places. I just don't go.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's almost like I'm sure there's restaurants restaurants that people are like, you, have you never eaten there? And you're like, I see it. I just never stop by.

Speaker 1 I know it's there, but I know what Bobby's ranking is. I'm going to feel like a piece of shit by saying this right now.
I'll do it

Speaker 1 because I want to talk about flappers. Go ahead.
Okay. So the woman that runs it, nice lady, Barbara.
I don't know. So Barbara, when she was opening it, right?

Speaker 1 She calls me. She goes, I'm opening a comic club.
Cool. She goes, I go,

Speaker 1 what weekends can I play? She's like, oh, no, you're not a weekend guy. You're a Tuesday, Wednesday guy.
Right?

Speaker 1 And I go, well, who's your weekend guy? She goes, names me a couple of comics that I know that doesn't even remotely draw the way I do. Yeah, Barf McGopher since.
Yeah, yeah. And I go,

Speaker 1 no. And then I saw her at the improv maybe a month ago, and she's there hanging out, and she's in the green room upstairs.

Speaker 1 And she basically goes, How come you don't play my club? And I didn't know how to say because I'm a Tuesday, Wednesday guy. Oh, my God.
Yeah, but

Speaker 1 do you say that there, or do you just hold it in and make it turn into a cancer later? So a guy like me goes, you know, I just don't do it. But a guy like you, a guy like you,

Speaker 1 badly wants to use it because you love vindictive shit. You love payback.
It's one of your favorite things. But I didn't.
I go, okay. I know, but I'm surprised because you want to bad.

Speaker 1 But deep down, there is a part of me that goes,

Speaker 1 yeah, I'm busy on Tuesday, Wednesday nights. I go to my AA meeting.
That's a cool way to do it. Yeah, yeah.
But I didn't do that because I'm trying to change my ways.

Speaker 1 Well, I've told you I'm going to be able to do that. I'm trying to be a better person.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, we just want to say thank you to Faheem. Thank you.
Because he has a great special that's out right now on YouTube. It is called Did I Sign a Waiver

Speaker 1 by Faheem Anwar. No.

Speaker 1 It's called The Hat-Trick. Please watch the hat-trick on YouTube right now.
It would mean a lot to us. Yeah.
Just youtube.com/slash Fahim Anwarb. Please tell the fans to fucking watch it.

Speaker 1 Faheem Anwar. Fahey Manwarab waiver.
I love you, Fahim.

Speaker 1 I'll talk to you later. Thank you, buddy.

Speaker 1 We love you. We love you.
Give him some love. We love you.
Give him some fucking love.

Speaker 1 God bless. You're the best.
I'll call you later. Tonight at your store? Tomorrow.
All right. I'll see you there.
I'll call you later, buddy. Now that Fahim is gone,

Speaker 1 what do you think of him? Because now we can talk shit now because I know that that's your favorite thing to do. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't talk shit, but.

Speaker 1 Say negative things. We like negative so that we can work through it.
Well, we're being positive.

Speaker 1 For the next month, we said we'd be positive. We want you to be the negative one on the show.

Speaker 1 His nose is very Jewish.

Speaker 1 So you don't think he's Muslim, you think he's a Jewish, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was gonna say that, but then I thought it would be mean.
Yeah, oh, you wanted to say that in front of him?

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, you should have. That would have been so funny, so funny, but you know, now he's gonna hear and see this after the fact, but that's okay, you don't mean anything mean by it, yeah, right?

Speaker 1 But that's your only impression, you just were looking at his nose the whole time, yeah. Cause

Speaker 1 some girls think that he's sexy. Do you think he's sexy?

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 i don't know he's he's cute yeah he's cute in what way

Speaker 1 like aladdin how aladdin was cute he doesn't even look brown what does he look white no see this is the problem because she hates whites he's too light he's too light brown for her yeah right you want a darker brown yeah yeah she likes darker brown you like darker brown he's too light skinned muslim too too light yeah yeah yeah yeah what do you think of the religion i love muslims but what do you think of the religion are you setting her up

Speaker 1 I don't mind it. It's

Speaker 1 what do you know about it? What do you know about it? They don't eat pork.

Speaker 1 What's their God called? Allah. That's all.
That's all I know. Praise Allah.
What's the book called?

Speaker 1 There it is.

Speaker 1 Almost.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Karaoke.
Karaoke. Karaoke.
The book of karaoke. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Koran.
Koran. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And what else do they believe? As a woman, what else do they believe for women? Women should walk.

Speaker 1 Women should

Speaker 1 wear all those coverings because... And they should walk behind the man and speak when they're spoken to.
And serve the man. And serve the man.
How do you feel about that?

Speaker 1 I don't like that. I know.
I'm trying to be a Muslim out here.

Speaker 1 Why don't you like it? Don't Muslim men, they can marry a lot of women?

Speaker 1 First of all, this doesn't apply to all branches of it. We're generalizing.
We know almost nothing about.

Speaker 1 all I know is this. This is all I fucking know.
Why would you want to marry more than one fucking woman? That would be a nightmare. Headache, headache, nightmare.

Speaker 1 How many, like when I see those polygamists fucking that show that's on like TLC or whatever, that guy that has like six wives, why the fuck would you want that many fucking wives? That's insane.

Speaker 1 Sister wives, this fucking psycho. And by the way, bring up the image of these people.
Look at what these people look like.

Speaker 1 Look at what these people look like.

Speaker 1 I don't know. What do they look like? Just click on the photo.
Zoom in, zoom in. And let me say something mean.
It's like they Photoshop the same face on everybody. It's him.
It's him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's him as different women.
Yeah, they're all the same person. That's him as different women.
Yeah, yeah. And I gotta tell you, you took me.
Like, which one would you fuck?

Speaker 1 You got four swings and you struck it. Honestly, out of them, which one would you spend the most with? The girl on the far right.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, the girl on the far right? Yeah. Where's the guy at, though? I don't know.
I don't know if there is a guy at this point. Oh,

Speaker 1 they just show the wives in that photo?

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 That's the guy. I know it is.
You dickhead. But like, emperors back in the day, like in China, right? Yeah.
They used to have like 200 concubines. No, that's different, though.
Why?

Speaker 1 Those are just women they got to sleep with. But you know.
These guys have to live in a house and... Still, you know, those concubines.

Speaker 1 How come you didn't, you know, I wrote you a letter. How come you didn't write me back? You know what I mean? You know, everybody.
So busy.

Speaker 1 I know, but you know, tick tick, you spend three days with tick tick and dong don, right? But me, you ever see me or three more. Your tits are weird.

Speaker 1 That's the fucking thing. On this show, I've seen it before.
They talk on the show about he spends more time with other women, and they all get jealous. What do you fucking expect?

Speaker 1 What do you think is going on? Yeah, of course, he's gonna pick and choose. Who's got the tightest?

Speaker 1 I would get the front, the brunette.

Speaker 1 For me, the brunette. If I had to pick the brunette, nah, not for me.
Which one? Back right, because she looks like she can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Yeah, that the back right?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 No, dude, look.

Speaker 1 Beyond the idea that I don't want to fucking make these real humans feel bad, I just think it's not my fucking... I don't give a fuck.
You can go do whatever you want.

Speaker 1 Be happy with as many people as you want to. What's that photo? That's all the kids.
They have the...

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait. Their kids have kids.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. But they have to fuck each other.

Speaker 1 He has kids with all the women? That's not true. He has kids, I think, with every woman, I think.
I don't know. Oh, that headache.
Yeah, balancing that. I'd forget all.

Speaker 1 First of all, remembering their names is enough.

Speaker 1 Also, imagining him doing a five-way divorce the alimony well insane yeah insane you're broke you're homeless i mean how do you remember all these kids names that was always impressive to me i i my i'm one of two kids and i was an only child for a while before my sister yeah my mom forgot my name all the time

Speaker 1 there's a system that you can do it i think what is it what is it so what i would do is if one of the women's name is angie uh-huh i can memorize the five women's names right

Speaker 1 so their kids would all start with an a and m right correct. Right? Right.
So Angie, Andrew.

Speaker 1 Andrew would have been an easier one. No, no, no.
Andrew would be one of them, but Andrew would be what? And Joe, my brother. And Joe is the oldest, right? And Jai.
Angie.

Speaker 1 Angie's my wife. Yeah, but

Speaker 1 they could have an Angie.

Speaker 1 Angie, the woman. If I have a daughter, Angie Jr., the woman, right? So it's Anjo.
Yeah. And Jai, right? Angelica.
Angelica. Angelo.
Angel. Angel would be a good one.

Speaker 1 And then if my other wife was name is Brianica. Be all BRs.

Speaker 1 Bianca. Bianca.
Even harder. B-I, way harder.

Speaker 1 Let's try Bianca, though. Okay, go for it.
B.

Speaker 1 One of his name is B? B-E. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
B-E-A. Yeah.
One would be B-B.

Speaker 1 The other one would be B-B. You know how hard that is? B-B-B-B.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I wouldn't do three B's. B-B-B-B.
Come over here.

Speaker 1 B-B comes over. I said three B's.
Listen, idiot.

Speaker 1 You fucking idiot. Listen when I'm calling you and your sisters.

Speaker 1 I think there's.

Speaker 1 To be able to remember all of those kids and be in line with whose kid went with which woman,

Speaker 1 that would fuck me up too.

Speaker 1 They all look the same. No, but this is what you do.
He fucked up.

Speaker 1 He fucked it up.

Speaker 1 You marry different races. Yeah, he got all whites, which is so.
One black girl. Yep.
So I know. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 One black, one Asian, one

Speaker 1 black, you would have a Mexican one. Black, Mexican.

Speaker 1 Being Asian, I couldn't do an Asian. I could do an Asian one.
If I have full Asian, you should have a white. I definitely have a white.
Yeah. Those are my good-looking ones.

Speaker 1 Well, you have to get loans for these houses somehow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, so you have a black one, an Asian, an Asian one. I would probably have a Mexican one.
A Mexican.

Speaker 1 But that's so close to Asian. I think my kids will kind of look Asian.
No, no, no, if it's if it's Mexican, Mexican. Indigenous

Speaker 1 Mexican. Indigenous, indigenous Mexican.
Yeah. And then and then Native American.
That's the same as indigenous. No, Mexican, Native American look very different.

Speaker 1 With indigenous Native American, you're saying indigenous people in

Speaker 1 Mexico. Indigenous people in Mexico and Native Americans are too similar.

Speaker 1 I would go South Asian.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah.
Like

Speaker 1 what?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not South Asian.

Speaker 1 You're not Asian at all, as far as I'm concerned. You know what?

Speaker 1 No, I would marry two whites. I would marry an American white, but check this out, my thinking, okay? A Russian white, because my kids will have knives.
Oh, yes. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because they like, I saw Eastern Promises.

Speaker 1 What is that movie? Eastern Promises, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
The fucking steam room. Yeah.
So those kids are good at violence. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And if one of my kids is playing with a bear outside, I go, yeah, that's my Russian one. Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, look, there's a.
Never go to a steam room with a Russian. No.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 No, let him go and let him come out and then you get in and lock the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lock yourself inside the steam room. Who would you have?

Speaker 1 All whites.

Speaker 1 No, for no. No, you know what I would do? Well, with me, it would be, look, with the red hair thing would stand out with anybody.

Speaker 1 If I had a black wife, but we had a black kid with red hair, because you know, you've seen this. There's black kids with red hair.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, I have a buddy who's black with freckles that has a lot of freckles. Don't like it.
Fuck you. You know what your kins would all look like? Sinbad.

Speaker 1 One of the coolest guys of all time. She has no idea who that is.
Yeah. Show me Sinbad.
Sinbad, the comedian. He's the fucking man.
A successful, awesome comedian. I'll take it.
I thought the lion.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So these are all

Speaker 1 whose kids. Yeah.
With a black woman.

Speaker 1 Go to the one with the Mohawk a little bit. Yeah, that's me.
Back in the 80s, though. Sinbad in the 80s.

Speaker 1 You think what with a lion? What did you say? Simba? Oh, Simba. Oh, Simba.

Speaker 1 It just gets harder and harder with you every day.

Speaker 1 Know what you're talking about before you say it.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend.