Rudy Rejects a Cute Guy

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. So Friday night, we were in Austin Moon Tower Comedy Festival.

What a fun time.

The whole day was magical.

It really was. It really was.

Just doing the little

what's that?

Zing zing.

What's it called?

What's a zing zing?

Scooter.

The scooter.

Yeah, yeah.

The school of cars.

The school of cars.

Yeah, yeah.

So Bobby,

you've never been on a,

what do we do?

Bird scooters or live scooters?

I had it on my app.

Of course I've done it before.

I do it when I'm in Oklahoma.

Why did you act like

you didn't know what you were doing?

I do know what I'm doing.

I was zippity zooty.

Yeah.

I was zippity zippity.

First of all,

everyone's going to be do bird scooters or I had it on my app of course I've done it before I do it I do it when I'm in Oklahoma why did you act like you didn't know what you were doing I do know what I'm doing I was zippling yeah I was first of all every we all bing the fucking scooter and then you just leave everybody did it did he leave everybody yeah I was like I was like a half a mile down where the fuck is everybody you didn't want to stay with us I'm a zoom machine you were zip zooming zooming around and then so I got Rudy's hers kept locking on her which was very funny because she can't physically push it. She's too weak.
Yeah, she's way weak. So when it locks, she's like, hey, teacher Andrew, help.
She got stuck in the middle of the street. It was my first time though.
I know, but it was so funny. How is it a 19 year old, it's her first time on the scooter, old losers like us, I'd been on dozens of times.
Yeah. How have you never been on a bird or a lime or a...
I don't out yeah that makes a lot of sense not you know what so so there's no covet on zip zoomers yeah there's no well there wasn't any covet on those things fucking guy i know he's trying to ruin the fucking podcast trust me he's doing a great job he's trying to get my zip zinger in sorry yeah there you go well that's it cut his mic off fancy yeah so we zip doomed around town around South Congress because the goal was we wanted to get Rudy Jules a pair of cowgirl boots and Bob and I got her, I think the dopest pair. It's got little hearts on it.
Did you like it? I really like it. And we got blown up on South Congress.
Everybody want to say hi and take a picture. So shout out to Austin.
Then we had delicious, delicious pizza. Shout out to home slice pizza Austin that was the best pizza I think I've ever had not ever no because the element you don't expect it out of Texas correct number one correct surprise it was a number two I was so hungo hungo we were big time big hungo hungo and you were like we'll wait for the Mexican food later you know what I mean because we went to a nice restaurant nice restaurant.
We do well. Okay.
Yeah. Well, you raged out.

We had to talk about that.

I didn't rage.

Yeah, you did.

So we had the pizza and then we,

so we talked to Maddie.

I called Maddie Matheson

and I said,

hey,

because every time I'm in Austin,

he's been,

he's been there twice

with me and I was there

and then we went out to eat

and he suggested

we should go to this restaurant.

Do we need to say it? We don't need to say it. Yeah, I need you to say it.
It's called suerte. Suerte.
And how does your fancy say it? How do you say it? Suerte. Suerte.
So I had been there with Matty and he was like, you should go back. You know, the chef loves you.
Those guys are fans. Meanwhile, so just let's just paint the scenario, okay? So it's Moon Tower Comedy Festival.
A lot of out-of-towners are on town. It's a hot restaurant, right? So they're booked to the gills.
They don't have the room. But, you know, Andrew is Hollywood and he has connections.
Of course. So he calls Maddie and goes, can you call the chef to get us a room, right? So Maddie calls the chef.
Chef's like, all right, I will make room for inside the restaurant. You're set up.
You're all good to go. You're all good to go.
We show up, right? And the hosts act as if they have no idea. And they're like, outside is the only thing.
And I was like, but we called in advance. And she said, well, I think it's only down here for five.
And I said, I know, but we have one more. And no restaurant on fucking earth has a five top and not a six top.
It doesn't exist. You would just add a fucking leg to the table.

Tables are even numbers.

Two, four, six.

So a five top is sitting at a six top table.

You never go like,

hey, get in my car.

There's four people.

My only car only seats three.

It doesn't happen.

It doesn't happen.

That's like in the restaurant.

So she was a little rude to us,

to be honest.

Be honest.

Because I was being,

I was holding my calm

and I was like,

there's no way

that you can get this done.

This is exactly what I was. I was not being mean.
Was I was i being mean no but you not yet your face turned bright red and i am red no i don't really red yeah and you were mumbling to yourself i do you mumble i walk away and i can't fucking believe i mean i called i called yeah i know the guy i'll shoot up the whole block you came out hot you sat next to me it's like i can't fucking believe should i say so should i call matt you know i mean you were like i was like well should Well, I wanted to rect the whole block. You came out hot.
You sat next to me. I was like, I can't fucking believe I say so.
Should I call Matt? I mean, you were like. I was like, well, should I call? Well, I wanted to rectify the situation because she fucked me off.
She literally goes. No.
So she said, she said, there is no table inside. And I said, what do you mean? I thought there wasn't.
She goes, yeah, we don't. That's not.
It doesn't seat six. I said, we can scrunch in.
We have a mini person, a half person. Yeah.
She's a half person. She's so skinny and tiny.
And I go, we can tiny and i go we can't even consider it a human huh she's not even considered a human so we already know she's a little alien we'll get to you in a second yeah so then i walk outside i'm bummed the fuck out and i'm like well what are we gonna do and everybody was in a good enough mood that we said we'll just eat outside it's hot as fuck it was muggy as shit yeah i was sweating balls my nutsack one of my nuts was inside my butthole. Literally inside my butthole.
And my penis was holding onto the other nut. My penis was curled under holding onto my ball.
The honest truth is inside you're like, I'm Andrew Santino. No.
Just let's be honest. I didn't want to eat in.
Did you want to eat outside? I'm very humble. Oh, fuck you.
Bobby, fuck you.

You are not humble.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

Admit it.

You're like, I can't believe I'm Andrew Santino, a headliner.

Did I say that once, Fancy?

No, but everything's behind his mumbling.

No, no, no.

You read between the lines, friend.

Stop text.

I like eating outside.

I like eating outside, but it was hot and gross.

I didn't want to be outside that night. We wanted to be inside.
Yeah, but so... So we compromised.
Why are you angry? Because I want to be inside. You're Hollywood, Andrew.
No, I want to be inside. All right.
I didn't want to eat outside at a fucking picnic table. At a fucking five-star restaurant.
In the park by the fucking handicap stall. But what I did...
We sat in the fucking handicap parking spot. But remember what I did.
Which was good for you. Do you remember what I did? And I'm not handicapped.
Yes, you are. All right.
Yes, you are. Even when you sat down.
You sat in your chair. Even me, I was just like, I was the voice of reason.
How am I the voice of reason? I'm the one going, listen, Andrew, we'll just eat outside. And you're just ranting and raving.
so that's how i know there's something behind it i was annoyed that we couldn't eat inside we deserve to eat inside i i you know what my problem is i know what it is i don't like i don't like i don't like things that are illogical it's not logical to say i can seat five but not six it doesn't make sense no i think what it is i saw the table hear me hear I saw the six tops. Since you hooked it up, you called Maddie, right? You did all that.
I was embarrassed I couldn't come through. Yeah, and it was embarrassing.
It was embarrassing. That you didn't have the power to get us inside.
Well, no, because I didn't flex any power. In fact, the chef saw us.
You had no power. That's what we said outside.
No, no, no. You had no power.
Time out. You were powerless.
Time out. That's not true because it ended up being to our advantage and i'll tell you why when we went outside and we did a thing i didn't say anything mean to the host but they had no idea that this reservation had been set up through the chef so of course maddie made a phone call unbeknownst to us because we told him what happened we sent him photos i was like thanks for the parking lot spot appreciate it it's so passive aggressive yeah it was it was i said thanks for the res love love i love sitting by the dumpsters yeah i said me and the valet took a picture me and the valet are gonna have appetizers yeah so you sent that to maddie no dude did you text him at all yeah of course i did what'd you say he said thanks for the reservation no he said no no that's not that go ahead He said Nothing says You know the chef Like sitting by the handicap spot Very good Nothing says you know the chef Like sitting in the handicap parking spot Yeah But okay, so let me say this So I didn't make it I said, let's have a good night We were with my friend Chelsea We were all together The Bad Friends crew And I said, we're gonna have a good night Okay And then One of the chefs comes out To come by and and say hello because he was like hey man I'm so happy that you're back thanks for coming and they started sending out a ton of shit they sent out a fuckload of food they sent out free shots and who took shots yeah two of them two of them yeah because I'm not drinking and so Bob's not drinking so Bukowski over here wrote a novel in the parking lot yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.
Blacked out. Poetry, yeah.
It was actually, she was very, she was speaking like Bourdainish when she was like, nothing says sweet like a little Mexican Kiyota sauce spread evenly around the beef tongue as it slides its way into my belly. It was really smooth.
Did you hear her in the parking lot? She doesn't know half those words. Why don't I remember that? Because you were drunk.
You were drunk. Because you were drunk, you pig.
You were drunk. Food was amazing.
Food was so good. Suarte's so good.
So then they sent out a bunch of good food and then in a moment of sheer panic, Bobby was like, Bobby the whole night was like, we don't need to do fucking sound check. Fuck sound check.
Thinking he's like a rapper from the 90s. He's like, we show up.
And guess what? What? Then in the middle of the meal, he goes, we should go do sound check thinking he's like a rapper from the 90s he's like we show up and guess what then in the middle of the meal he goes we should go do sound check I don't know why you started to get nervous the panic came over me we should do sound check we should do sound check well I'll tell you why so you jump in a van with the whole Bad Friends crew and leave me there that's true I did I left you there and I apologize but let me see and they kept sending food they. We had fucking.
They sent out prime rib. They sent out beef cheek.
They sent out more fucking dip. More quesadilla.
Wow. So I boxed it up.
Brought it to the venue. And this fucking piece of shit goes.
I don't eat leftovers. I don't.
It's high end food. I don't eat.
You said I'm hungry. Regardless if it's McDonald's or high-end i don't eat it in my body it's okay it was like a 200 steak that they gave i don't eat it i like fresh well i'll say to all the fancy chefs out there i'll eat leftovers that's fine so then they rush to do sound check and leave me i'm glad we did that too because there was you know problems no problems but was there problems no no but it was like i had to go i had to go how is this going to work it's because the chairs were already out there so i'm like the chairs out we'll be the chairs you know i kind of orchestrated how it was going to work which was good because you did do a good job and when we got there the only problem was the festival had double book brian simpson who we love one of my favorite comics Brian was going to come do time.
And then Trevor got asked by Bobby to come do some time too because Brian wasn't going to make it. Yeah.
And Brian was not happy that the festival made him come to the venue. Then they put him in a car, took him away to do another spot.
So he missed his spot for our show. And on our show, Trevor did a great time.
Then we did time. And then,

the show was,

the show was great.

I gotta be honest.

Did you have a fun time?

It was flawless.

It was.

It was good.

And when they said your name,

and you came out there,

oh my God,

the building shook.

She's petrified,

and she doesn't want to come out,

but fuck it,

all right?

Rudy Jules,

give her a round of applause. You know, she had the best joke of the night.
That's the first time afterwards she goes, I like it. Did you really? I liked it.
Because we chanted before. We had a little chant.

We said, bad friends bomb.

Bad friends bomb.

Yeah, I remember.

Because you got to shake away the bomb.

Because she was worried about bombing.

Yeah.

But the first joke she had was probably the joke of the night.

Yeah.

She said she looked around and goes, it's too many white people.

Yeah.

Which is honest. And it crushed.

It crushed.

But then we turned the house lights up and there were a lot of brown.

Were you surprised at how many brown there was?

Yeah, there were a lot.

We get down with brown. We get down with brown.

We get down with brown on the show.

They just have to be fucked up internally.

Well, they are.

You can tell by the questions that came out of the audience.

We have such fucked up fans.

Such fucked up fans.

Two brothers that didn't even sit in the same row together.

Oh, right, right.

They came together and they sat 30 feet away from each other.

So wait a minute.

Where were you two supposed to sit? I wasn't supposed to come over here. You weren't supposed to come at all? I had to work tomorrow.
You got to work tomorrow? I called out. You called out sick? Yes.
God bless. Where do you work? Where do you work? An hour away.
Wait, tell me what it is. An hour away.
The company is called an hour away? Temple. Where? Temple.
Temple. Temple? You were Jewish? No, no, no, no.
He doesn't look Jewish at all. Mexican.
I've never seen a Mexican Jew in my life, but happy Passover. Yeah, yeah.
Wait a minute. So you work at a company called Temple? Yeah.
And what do they do? Small town. Exactly.
What'd he say? Small town. Then we had a hot guy in the front.
was funny yes yeah dr drew came and did some time with us and dissected bobby's relationship with him and addiction which was really nice and then afterwards i mean it was just a magical night and then i didn't see you after the show well you guys went to go get pizza and so now tell me the nightmare it started unraveling the next day so here's what happened i ended up going to my friend chelsea and I and her guys went to go get pizza. And so now tell me the nightmare.
It started unraveling the next day. So here's what happened.
I ended up going to, my friend Chelsea and I and her friend went to Soho House to just have dessert. Uh-huh.
Because I'm not drinking right now. So I said, I'm just going to go have a little bit of dessert and then go to bed happy in my hotel.
And I did. I had a fat ass ice cream sundae and three chocolate chip cookies.
And then I went to my hotel. Yeah.
And I took a little duper pooper and I sat on TikTok for a while and laughed. Yeah laughed and I rested my little head and I had such a nice day.
Great. You deserve it.
Then on the next morning, I go to my little airline, my little flight, my little tiny puddle jumper plane, 37 minutes. And Emma Roberts, she was on my plane.
And the plane is only like 10 people. It's a little tiny plane.
All right. So Emma Roberts, is that Juliaberts daughter it's her niece what is it oh it's her brother's daughter is that what it is i have no idea i'm just guessing that's a real good guess thank you because you sold do it again because let me see because eric roberts is an actor yes and he has a daughter it's julia roberts's aunt that's right yeah you're correct okay so she was on my flight and i thought.
What a good luck charm. It would seem like a good luck charm.
A cool popular actress is on my flight. Yeah.
This is going to be a great day. Yeah.
So I get off the flight. I unload my bags.
Smooth flight? No, very, very bumpy. Okay.
But I kept staring at Emma Roberts saying, is everything okay? And she kept turning and going like this, which I don't know if this is the white power symbol or the okay, but that's what she kept doing to me. And so then we got into, I got into Dallas and I said immediately, I get to my hotel.
I'm ready to go. Room's not ready.
But you know what? What? That's okay. Are you sure? Right now it's okay.
Were you mumbling? Yeah, a little mumbling. A little mumbling.
All right. All right.
A little mumbling. All right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought, oh, it's not.
Yeah, yeah. But I checked in on the app already on my phone.
See, here's what's funny about you, or what I realized, is you mumble so that other people can hear it. But it's not directed at them.
Well, you tell, okay, you be the hotel clerk and say, your room's not ready, Mr. Santino.
Hi. Welcome to the Four Seasons? Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter. Welcome to the Marriott? Sure.
Okay. Welcome to the Residence Inn.
Try. Red roof in.
Welcome to the red. Welcome to the motel six.
Thank you. Uh huh.
I'm sorry, but your room isn't ready yet. Oh, it's not.
No, it's at three o'clock. It'll be ready.
And it's about three o'clock right now. Yeah.
But the, the guest that was sitting there is, she's packing up now. So it's going to take us no that's not a big deal roast beef things like that you don't check in on the app already already checked on why would you fucking make a check in on the fucking app that's not a big deal i'll just leave my bags here so that's what you do so i left my bag right and then i went to my favorite area of downtown dallas right here i went deep elem which is my favorite i had one of my best days of my life in Deep Ellum.
This sounds like a great day so far. No, no, no.
A year ago, I had the best day. Oh, all right.
A year ago, I got to drive fancy cars because my buddy owns a car shop and then I got to go to Deep Ellum and I danced my balls off with my buddy Chris O'Connor. I remember that.
I saw the video. So I went back to Deep Ellum and guess what? That place that I wanted to go to? Yeah.
Closed covid no they just couldn't make it financially did not make did not survive and so then okay i said that's okay hit number one that's okay that's okay yeah so then i walked i went to this little shop there's a little like skate shop and i bought this cool hat because i was like i like deep ellum that's a cool hat that's cool i was like still in a good mood i'm gonna have a good day great i don't give a shit yeah and i said two bad things though oh bad settle in yeah yeah so then i come in threes yeah i know and mine was three times three all right so then i said not a big deal i'm just gonna get some good old texas barbecue great great idea thank you great idea so i go to this barbecue place that's Yeah. And I sit down at the bar and I said, can I order here? Do I need to wait in the line? And the guy says, you can absolutely order here.
No problem. I said, wonderful.
So I said, I would like the brisket. And he said, you got it.
He said, brisket plate. I said, sure.
What are the sides? I said, you pick your two favorites. He says, you got it.
Never do that. He was a hefty.
He looked like he had a lot of food. had he had tried a lot you could tell he had tried a lot of food he's fat yeah i've just said he looked like he had tried a lot i'm just trying to visualize it was he fat he looked like a guy that had tried a lot of food okay so anyway i said you pick he picked okay my number bing 196 yeah get up and it is a pulled pork sandwich and mac and cheese and i was like nope i had a brisket plate and she goes no you didn't and then i said mumbling i did and i said so let me let's on the waiter no you uh you got a brisket plate oh is that because i definitely told him i wanted a no i wanted the brisket plate says right here on the receipt.
Pulled pork, is that what it says on there? Brisket plate. Oh, is that? Because I definitely told him I wanted a...
No, I wanted the brisket plate. It says right here on the receipt.
Pulled pork. Is that what it says on there? Brisket plate.
Oh. No, I mean it says the sandwich on there.
Yeah. It says the sandwich.
I read it wrong. Wait, I thought you...
Did you just say that? It's backwards. Oh, it is.
Yeah, pulled pork sandwich. Pulled pork backwards says brisket.
And mac and cheese. That's what it says.
Okay. Because if you do it upside down, it says...
Yeah, so anyway. Oh, okay.
Yeah, I'm dyslexic. Yeah, definitely.
It doesn't fucking say that. But let me go.
Okay, that's fine. So I went back to the it upside down it says yeah so anyway oh okay yeah i'm dyslexic yeah definitely it doesn't fucking say that but let me go okay that's fine so i went

back to the bar and i said hey did you perhaps put in this is what i wouldn't do you already

took it to another level i wanted brisket doesn't matter i wanted a sandwich no i don't want the

sandwich okay so i went back to the bar calmly and i said hey brother was it calm huh was it

calm you be the bartender okay oh is he puking no i'm just what is it

Thank you. and I said, hey, brother.
Was it calm? Huh? Was it calm? You be the bartender. Okay.
Oh, is he puking? No, I'm just. What is it? I've eaten a lot.
Oh, you're stuffed. I'm just, that's just my natural demeanor.
Ah. Oh, hey.
Hey, brother. Oh, hey.
Hey, remember when I was saying, I think I ordered the brisket plate and I said, you choose the fun sides.

But this is a pulled pork.

You said choose.

You said choose.

No, I meant the sides.

Yeah, I read too.

Okay, so literally, that's exactly what happened.

Exactly.

He thought I meant you choose.

And?

But I said, can I have the brisket plate?

You choose the sides.

Yeah.

He chose the whole fucking thing. All right.
Okay, okay,'t want the sandwich. All right.
Fine. So, of course, he goes, all right, I'll put it in for you.
And then I said, could I get the lean brisket? There was two choices. Here we go.
We're out of lean brisket. Of course.
I said, no problem. No problem.
No problem. No problem.
So 25 minutes later, I've had two Dr. Peppers, and I'm buzzing.
Yeah, you're buzzing. Because I'm hungry, and I'm on sugar.
And I'm sure with the rage and Dr. Pepper, the combination's not great.
Oh, the sugar and the rage. So then I get my number comes up.
By this point, it's 486. 196 was the first one.
And I get the plate and it's a brisket plate.

And it's, look, regular brisket is fatty.

This was all fat.

There was no meat.

There was this much meat and it was fat globules on the side.

Yeah.

So I sat down.

But if you watch the show alone.

Fat is fat protein.

That's great.

It is.

But I didn't eat it because I'm not living in fucking Alaska.

Oh, I'm in a hotel. I forgot.
You're in Dallas. Sorry.
So then I ate whatever I could and I thought, this is okay. I'm going to fuck off to the hotel.
I'm going to jerk off and go to bed and take a little nap before the show. Door Dash.
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10% off your order by going to onnit.com slash badfriends. Then on my way home, I get a little phone call from Raj Sharma.
You know our friend Raj Sharma? I like him. Raj is a dad.
He's from there and he was opening for me. And Raj says, hey, buddy, you're not going to believe this.
And I almost threw my phone. Can I guess or no? On the highway.
I almost threw it right on the highway. I'm not kidding.
He missed his flight. Something about his flight.
about his flight he's not there no even crazier he was in houston last night somebody stole his fucking bag with his car keys so he had all of his shit in his travel bag someone stole it so raj gets robbed and santino is ready to jump off the fucking freeway yeah yeah because i've got three hours to find someone to fucking open the show oh yeah it was really fun so i'm calling around i'm saying hey who can who can doesn't anybody know anybody does anybody know anybody yeah and everybody's like yeah but this guy's out of town and this guy's here he's headlining he's featuring for somebody i'm scrambling and raj can't get back he goes i've got i've i've got us i'm gonna have a locksmith come but by the time i get there it'll be nine o'clock you know what i do sometimes though is like i always go because i've done last minute like book like bookings for openers yeah and well you know i have this thing i gotta do set right and i just go how much are they paying you i'll pay you more yeah do you do that no no but with you the reason he was in houston was because he was with um no i'm just saying when you're calling dallas the round comment oh oh dude i offered anything i didn't care about the money i was like i'll give'll give you whatever you need. I need someone to come do the show.
I was like, what the fuck? I'll do anything. But everyone was either gone that could feature or it was like host.
And I was like, I need someone that can feature. Do 30 minutes.
Yes. And so I was like scrambling.
Luckily, Raj came through with a guy, Paul Varghese, who was great. So fucking funny.
Yeah. But the show was great.
The show was great. But I had so much stress that day that I feel like I under, I didn't.

You underperformed.

I just, you know, when your mood is shifted and you're not fucking swinging for the fence.

That's the hard part of doing standup.

Because sometimes you do two shows a night, you know, when you do clubs.

And sometimes, you know, especially the second show Friday night.

Yeah.

It's just rowdier.

You're tired. Everyone's drunk.
Yeah. And it's like, you know, and you don't feel funny.
Sometimes, you know, you have to perform and be funny when you're not. When you've got other stuff in your mind.
Other your head, yeah. So anyway, the show was, overall, it was great.
It was a good success. Sold out? It was fucking great.
Almost. We came close.
It was really, really close. We just missed out because Dallas didn't show up for daddy okay but um but anyway but okay that was fine and then i went home to the hotel and i thought i just i got to get back we got bad friends tomorrow i got to get back to the house i want to get a good night's sleep i am in the middle of a mexican stampede party time excuse me i don't know what's going on outside.
There's a, I think that the Alamo is down there now. That was, you mean the, no, that's in San Antonio? I think they moved it up to Dallas.
Oh, they can do that? They were having a party. Right.
And they, I think they had saved the Alamo again because there were low riders and gunshots and people yelling and they were bumping music. Did you hear this? Ay, ay, ay.
Any of that? I said, ah, ah, ah. You heard some of that? Until 2.45 in the morning.
So, So you couldn't sleep at all didn't get any sleep right try to jerk off couldn't why because i i i i i yeah every time i every time i'd get close you know whatever i cannot my tube when i'm jerking off and there's a random i i i it just throws me off i couldn't do it yeah yeah i'd get right there i'd go you know And I'd go, oh yeah, oh yeah. And I'd go, great.
And then it would just wet noodle out of my hand. But you do.
But what I do in that situation, I always immediately go to Mexican porn. I did.
Oh, I did? I did. And it tried to match the sounds.
You could incorporate the noise. Hi, puppy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tried to match the sounds.
Okay. So let me get through this.
So I couldn't sleep. I didn't get any fucking sleep.
So the next morning, I'm going downstairs to get a coffee to get to the airport and all I want is a nice little cup of cappuccino and I get my little cup of cappuccino and my handle on my bag breaks. It breaks right off.
I swear to God. I swear to God.
It rips right off my fucking bag. I literally was like, this is about, I'm in a Ben Stiller movie.
I am Ben Stiller in a Ben Stiller movie. What's on my handle? My AirPods, right? Yeah.
It's attached to the bag, the case. So my AirPods snap with that, right? I spill coffee everywhere in the lounge.
So I go buy another fucking coffee. I apologize to everybody for spilling coffee on leather couch.
Yeah, yeah. I sit down, I finish this new coffee and then I get in the fucking car to go to the airport and as i look at my phone bing your flight is delayed oh as i'm in the fucking uber right and then i go god damn it so i just no this one's out loud and the driver is like what's going wrong sir i'm like try so then i open up my fucking airpod case i heard a little accent from the driver was a specific ray said is everything okay yeah he's just a white dude i think a guy from fort worth and i opened up my airpod case and one of two airpods is in there you fucking it so so when the bag fell one of the airpods popped out that right there i would have killed myself oh i almost choked out the driver yeah that right there if he didn't have one of those cameras recording me i would have with a shoelace right so but you know what you can do huh right is you know you don't have they have those vending machines at the airport the high-tech ones i looked for it they didn't have one dallas doesn't have a high-tech vending machine not at terminal not at fucking gate a37 they had none of them right because i gotta tell you something when it was delayed and i said can we go back to the hotel real fast oh and because my flight's delayed yeah by an hour oh so he goes uh okay he turns really quickly we're only like four streets up i go back to the hotel i look nothing it's nowhere to be found i scoured i couldn't find it i don't know i can't imagine you're on your are you on your hands and knees sweating sweating no mumbling no just out loud no no i'm i'm out loud at this point i'm in a fucking headphone and god damn it does anybody find a fucking headphone yeah yeah everybody thinks i'm crazy so i get you know you know it'd be funny if it was already one in your ear yeah i get back in the fucking uber i get to the fucking airport.
I have one headphone in. I don't care.
It is what it is. The flight keeps getting fucking delayed.
And at this point, I hadn't really had anything to eat because I thought, well, I'm just going to get to the airport. I'll have something.
This is today. Yeah.
Yeah, this is today. So McDonald's was the only thing that was near me, but McDonald's line was massive.
And I just was like, fuck this, because it was the only thing that was open. Yeah.
Like when you go to New York or like LA, McDonald's is pretty chill. But when you go to Dallas, maybe McDonald's is busy.
It was really busy. I mean, dude, there was- Like in Moscow, they love it.
Dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I felt like- They cried when it closed. This was like KFC in China.
Do you know what I mean? Where it's like a thousand people on the line. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so anyway, I sit down. I think, okay, I'm just going to get on the flight.

They'll have food on the plane.

I'll be fine.

I get you.

This is, it sounds fake.

I get on the fucking plane and a guy is sitting in my seat.

I hate it.

Dude.

Yeah.

I go, I calmly go, I think you're, you're in me.

I'm in that.

Let me ask you something.

I mean.

May I ask something?

Yeah.

You say calmly, but because of the last 12 hours.

No, but I approached him well.

Are you sure?

You're the guy.

Sit there reading your iPad.

Is this guy the same guy from the barbecue place?

I'm not that talented, so you know what I mean?

Okay.

I have one or two characters.

Try a different one.

All right.

Ah, wow.

Neil Brennan?

Whoa.

There's a war in Ukraine?

Excuse me.

Yes.

I think that's my seat.

No.

Let's read this article, sir.

I think that's my seat.

Look, that's my seat.

Oh, well, can you just sit at the...

Oh.

Is that what he said?

What did he say?

He said this.

He goes, the guy in front of him who looked sick or hungover or something looked wrong with him. He goes, oh, do you mind switching then? Yeah.
You don't do what – you don't – listen to me, okay? You don't make the assumption that the person – so sit in your regular seat. When the guy comes – And you ask.
Then you ask. Correct.
Yeah. I don't like that.
I was pissed. I was like, that's rude.
So then I can't say no otherwise i look like a bad guy you have to say no and so i said yes so i sit in i sit in the seat because it's aisle to aisle yeah so fine whatever it's one row back whatever i go and sit down and then sure enough a young man gets on and goes uh that's my seat and i was like what ticket did you have i say to the guy and he goes oh it was the window one i'm sorry and I was like, what ticket did you have? I say to the guy and he goes, oh, it was the window one. I'm sorry.
And I was like, no problem. No problem.
So I scoot over. All right.
And I think, God, just give me some fucking food and give me a Diet Coke so I can just be happy. May I ask what airline it is? American.
Okay. So we know the food.
No, no, no. We didn didn't have this this is way worse than what you think because the food on the way there was fucking bullshit terrible it was i said no to it it was a cold egg sandwich yeah this gets even worse do you know why i book row earlier rows the higher in the rows because i know they're going to run out of the good shit by the time they get to the back.
Ah, I never even think of that. I always do that.

Yeah.

So that's why I had the earlier row,

but now I'm in a row back.

And guess what?

It's the cutoff.

So when this woman gets to me,

she literally says,

would you like lunch?

I said, yes, what are the options?

And she said, we only have one left.

And I was like,

is it fruit?

What's the one you have left?

And she said, shrimp salad. And I was like, is it fruit? What's the one you have left? And she said, shrimp salad.
And I was like, what the fuck? Who the fuck wants a shrimp salad? Gross. Shrimp salad.
I won't even eat shrimp salad in the nicest restaurant in the world. I go, it's so gross, the combination.
Shrimp salad? She goes, yeah, they took all the others. The other salads are gone.
And I wanted to fucking murder the guy that I had to switch seats with. May I ask you something? Hmm? May I ask you something? I ate fucking peanuts.
That's what I fucking ate. All right.
I had peanuts up until 5 p.m. LA time.
Can you not take the shrimps off of the salad? Oh, no. What happens? Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's cut up and mixed in. It's mixed in.
Because shrimp is a wet thing. It's fucking gross.
It seeps into the that this lettuce dear American Airlines who the fuck wants shrimp on a fucking airplane well if you look at the pamphlet there's always the chef there's his photo yeah well let's call that fucking asshole so then this is this is one more beat to this whole scenario okay go ahead one more beat yeah so I'm like no thank you that's it's it's fine I don't i'll just take the peanuts and my and a diet coke okay yeah never got a diet coke didn't get a literally didn't get a diet coke no big deal i just i just at this point yeah i've had enough okay okay yeah i've had a fucking enough yeah the worst part of all this is here we are sorry this is backed up before the shrimp we're about to take off. and i'm on my ipad i'm watching my good friend our good friend tony hawk's new documentary yes which i texted him and i was like tony this is amazing yeah and he was like thank you it is have you seen it till the wheels fall off no fuck it's so good okay it's so good so i texted tony really great i'm watching on my ipad i said i did watch it though you're it's already out you're we already know you didn't.
Yeah, unless you watch it by the time this comes out. No, but I saw him last week and then.
Oh, you lied. Yeah, I lied in front of him.
I'm going to tell him that you lied. I'm going to text him and tell him that you lied.
Please don't do that. I'm about to when the show's over.
This is already going to be out. Yeah, and I'm going to text him anyway.
Let him find out naturally. Okay.
Okay. So then, so then I said, so then I'm watching the documentary.
I'm enthralled and I've only got one headphone in yeah and and the the the flight attendant who is a thousand years old okay comes creeping down and goes excuse me yeah please detach the ipad from the keyboard and i i even took this one out so i could hear how fucking insane this was wait let me ask you wait. Let me ask you something.
So you have an iPad and you have a keyboard attached to it. Yeah.
So iPads come with like a nice flip stand. It's awesome.
It's like a ghost stand that like makes it hover. And the keyboard is a lot easier than typing on the iPad.
I see. So it makes it.
So is it illegal to have that? Okay. So she says, can you detach the iPad from the keyboard? And I said uh i can i what do you mean i was like we we can use ipads right and she goes you can keep watching on the ipad i need the keyboard detached from the ipad for takeoff yeah and i turned to the man next to me and he literally goes like this what the fuck i've never heard of that insane i fly for a living i'm on a plane constantly.
Yeah. heard of that never yeah so i say okay but can i ask why i've literally never heard of that and she goes i'll tell you why because meanwhile the announcements are going on so i detach the fucking thing yeah and i stuff it in the fucking thing yeah and i sit there with the fucking ipad and i'm just watching away like what could it be she comes back to me two three minutes later when the announcement is done and she says I'm not kidding you can't make this up she goes I'll tell you why because during 9-11 she literally said she looked around and goes during 9-11 yeah the guys were communicating on a keyboard uh on a keyboard computer um before the way it's actually in our handbook yeah and I said no one has ever in a million fucking years said this to me and she goes well then those flight attendants are not doing their job so thank you by the way lady if you think the terrorists were communicating via ipad keyboard and that's how they crack the case on america they weren't let me just say something there were no ipad in 2001 2001 yeah what the fuck are you talking about so i just accepted it i took the lumps it didn't matter yeah i got home i landed i took my fucking stupid uber back to the fucking house and sat in easter traffic yeah wanting to kill myself and i just got here about an hour after i got to my house so really good to see everybody here really good to see you and that was and we were a little late so did that make you angry? yeah it was fine let me ask you to tell you something okay I've been on flights before this is a little lesson to you right this is literally this happened where I've sat down and a mother's come to me hi so me and my daughter right couldn't get so can we sit there so we can sit because you're and i this no no absolutely not but see this do you even ask where the seats are do you go well where's your seat i don't care it's a no i'm seating in a2 yeah okay it's a no because something might happen like the fucking shrimp like what yeah yeah i don't want a shrimp fiasco right so i say no yeah and i'm not being rude i get it you're right it's not as if the daughter's on a different flight and we're gonna go down i'll hold her hand right yeah i mean it's all right sweetie yeah i'll do the thing where you know how they say you know in case the oxygen mask come down right put it on your face first and then help face first and then put it on the kid.
Not me. I put it on the kid first while my head explodes.
Yeah, yeah. So that's who I am, right? But we're not switching seats.
I assure you, lady, we're not. Okay.
Well, no, I respect that. Always say no.
But I respect that. You're right.
But I have done this a thousand times on planes because I travel alone. Someone goes, my brother, my daughter, my boyfriend, my girlfriend, my husband, my wife.
Can I just will you just? And I always go, yeah, where's where is your seat? Yeah. And then when they go, it's there.
And I have done. I've gone.
I'd prefer to sit in the aisle. I'm sorry.
You know what it is. It's like because I've got a fucking seat.
It's also their fault. It's so uncomfortable.
You're trying to make us uncomfortable, baby. Yeah.
When did you book the flight? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who did this for you? Yeah.
Why did you put you there and you there? I don't want to be hacking, but can we even go back to now the rules, right? What do you mean? In terms of like, how about this? The window thing has to be up when you take. Why? Why? Yeah.
I want it down so when it catches on fire i can see yeah i want to see the engine go i want to see it fly off yeah number two right the tray table has to be in the upright position why why why does the seat need to be not it can't be back why why why if the plane crashes i'll put out if the plane crashes i'll put my seat back up once we've crashed and I'll get off the plane exactly yeah or my arms and my legs will be inside some other guy's face and it won't fucking matter it doesn't matter yeah the rules in that fucking thing it's absolute bullshit insane yeah this is my favorite part detach the keyboard my phone I was texting on my phone yeah by the way the keyboard that's detached from the ipad the ipad still has a fucking keyboard yeah on it it's a keyboard yeah the whole thing is a fucking keyboard it's touchscreen one time i was on a flight all right the the seatbelt sign was on right and i had to go to the bathroom right there was a little turbo turbo turbulence a little bit of tur right and i on a hook i stand up and attendant is it's like excuse me sir right you're not supposed to be sitting and i said you're standing were you balanced queen or were you a gymnast yeah did you go to balance school i have the same amount of fucking you know the ability as you do if we were on a lake on that log thing i would win you would i would sit down. You sit down.
Yeah, yeah. I hate it.
No, I don't like that. I don't like it.
Well, also, you know, I heard a guy one time say, a woman goes, sir, you have to be seated. He goes, it's not a law.
I can go to the bathroom if I want. You know, it's not a law.
It's not a law. It's not a law.
I'm going to write that down. It's not a law, George.
Write that down for me. George, it's not a law.
It's not a law. I'm going to know.
Tell me what the laws are. I want to know.
I want to know. Because you know what I did on this plane.

Yeah, yeah.

And I do this on every flight.

And I've said it once.

I've said it on my podcast.

I've said it on this podcast.

Yeah.

And the truth is the truth is the truth.

I'm six foot one.

The bathrooms are always very tiny.

Exactly.

The toilets are kind of hard to get to.

Yeah.

I pee in the sink.

What?

Hello, Tushy.

I love going to the bathroom here at our studio because we have a Hello, Tush lined up in our toilet. It makes my butt, the hole.
Makes your butt hole. The hole.
Yeah, the hole. Very, very clean.
The cheeks don't get touched, but I got to tell you something. 2022, don't just make a commit to wash your hands every time you poop.
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I love washing my butthole with the Tushy Hello Tushy Bidet. And it's very clean and my butt smells smell good, Rudy.
It sure does. It washes your bum with fresh water for a way better clean than just toilet paper.
Simply pat and dry. Bob and I do use this.
I have one at the house. We have one here.
Yeah. It does cut down on toilet paper, which I think is good for the ecosystem, and it's good for your butthole because your butthole wants to be clean.
You don't want tingleberries. Gross.
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That's HelloTushy.com slash bad friends. Better help.
Oh man, during the pandemic and even now, you know, I've gone through some problems. Yeah.
Some troubles. We've all had some problems.
And I use better help and I love online therapy and I love this service. People don't always realize that physical symptoms like headaches, teeth grinding, and even digestive issues can be indicators of stress.
And let's not forget about doom scrolling, sleeping too little, sleeping too much,

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This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp.

And I got to tell you, we've talked about them before.

We like them.

We've used them.

I think it's great.

If you're into getting help, traditional offline therapy can be very expensive.

That's the good thing about this.

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So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to that's right this podcast is sponsored by better help and our bad friends listeners are going to get 10 off their first month at betterhelp.com bad friend that's b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p.com bad friends i pee i peed on this flight sink and you know what it was particularly because of the shrimp salad i wasn't gonna do it I was gonna pee in the regular toilet but then I thought no I literally was I whipped out my dinger and I had the toilet seat up and I just looked at the sink and I said shrimp salad and I turned and I pissed right in the sink I pissed right in the sink and I endorse that thank you can I just say something else I love you why can't bathrooms in human homes not the airport airplane right have the sink. And I endorse that.
Thank you. Can I just say something else? I love you.
Why can't bathrooms in human homes, not the airport, airplane, right? Have the same suction as the fucking toilets on the... Yes, I need that.
I want that too. Right? What is that technology? I don't know.
Yeah. It's like the devil is like...
Give me that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's the best technology. It's amazing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? Actually, when I get like my forever home or my dream home, you know what I do want? Eric Andre has urinals in his house.
He has urinals. And I was like- I've never seen that.
I want a fucking urinal. I want a urinal as well.
You could put one in your house. I don't have any fucking room.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a small house.
No, but your bath, that front bathroom, you could put a urinal in there. I could probably.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you should.
Quick tip though. Your sink is just like a urinal at home i know but you know what my no no my sink angle isn't as nice the reason i use airplane sinks is because at 6-1 the sink is right literally my balls yeah are hovering right above the sink wow it's perfect it's almost like they designed it yeah it's like a guy took out a measure he's like that'll be his nuts will be right which means that you can see your own nut sack through the mirror yep that's strange well and i and i swing them and i swing them back and forth yeah i can tell they're nervous like right as they brush the metal they're like whoa because it'll be cold yeah and they don't want to have to climb up the rope yeah so i let them hang right above it no and you know what even though the whole the frat dallas was awesome i loved it the show was great i had a great time aside from all the other shit i do I loved it.
The show was great. I had a great time.
Aside from all the other shit, I do fucking love Dallas. The show was great.
I was just in my head because I want to have a perfect show. And it makes it all better to know that we're here with my bad friend's family.
Can I ask you this question? The weekend in general, because Friday was magical. Friday was.
Saturday was a disaster. No comedy part was amazing stand-up was good but all the elements around it were so would you like out from one to ten your weekend what is it friday 11 no just all all of it the whole weekend oh oh right oh friday was an 11 okay yeah and saturday was a what saturday was a day it was a three it was it was like a four and a half.
Four and a half. Yeah.
So the whole weekend you would say generally it was a seven weekend. Eight.
I'll give it an eight because Friday was so magical. That's a great weekend.
Yeah. No it was good.
Yeah. Did you have a good time? Yeah.
I had a good time. Tell us about your experience Rudy.
I really had a good time with the scooter but I was while riding it I thought that I was gonna die and hit hit a car and then my head would just fall off she was going so fucking slow I was scared they go up to 20 miles an hour maybe or something like that it says it on the little screen I was going 9 9 so we have to keep stopping and here's what's funny about those scooters and people that know, if you stop for too long or go too slow, they lock because they think you're going to park it. Right.
So hers fucking locked. Yeah.
And that's why. But we were like, just go.
Meanwhile, Bobby was on X Games jumping in and out of the middle of the street. I love it.
You did get a little close to getting in car trouble. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, dude. So after Friday night,

so after Friday night,

I didn't tell anybody.

Where did you guys go, by the way,

after the show?

So we had pizza again.

You had pizza again?

Yeah, yeah.

And then you went back to the hotel?

So it was me, Adam Egot,

and Trevor Wallace.

Yeah.

We decided to go eat pizza, right?

And it's pretty far from my hotel.

So guess what I do?

Scoot.

Scoot.

Scoot, scoot.

Zoom, zoom, right?

Yeah.

You spent $1,000 on bird scooters. Probably, yeah.
And I wiped out. You fell? Real bad.
Yes! Because I had my MapQuest thing on because I didn't know where the hotel runs. MapQuest? What is this? 04? You mean Google Maps? Google Maps.
Google Maps, right? I'm at Google Maps, right? And it's dark, but there's a little light from the bird, right, from the scooter.

It does have a little shiner.

Right.

And I hit a curb.

Love it.

It flipped.

I slid on my stomach like this.

Like, I went like five feet.

I'm like, right?

But it's like nothing happened.

It wasn't bad?

No, but I got like a little, like the wind knocked out of me.

Yeah.

A little kind of cuss, right? And people saw me start laughing. Oh, yeah.
And then anybody recognize you. Yeah.
Somebody drove by and goes, no, so there's papaya. I don't know what that means.
That's a little slow. Yes.
Tiger. Yeah.
And I went really slow after that. After that, you went down to nine.
No, three. I was because I was like, yeah, I didn't want to do that.
You could really hurt yourself. So, Rudy, give the assessment of how you did on stage, you think, because we'll tell you something.
After the show, I came back in the dressing room. She was like deer in the headlights.
After the show, I immediately fell asleep, because I was so tired. This is funny.
Comics will talk about this. This is why a lot of comics use drugs or drinking and everything.
People want to know about like, because you come down so hard, people want to get lifted up again. So that's why sometimes comics will go out to eat or go drink, drink or go do drugs or go party because you want to feel up again because you drain all your adrenaline.
All your endorphins are gone. You passed out like that.
That's good. That means you did elevated and you delivered.
Yeah. You delivered, dude.
The crowd was fucking. So when you first went out there, how did it feel? I was like really scared.
But then when I saw the crowd and then they cheered, I kind of, it was good. See, it's going to her head a little bit.
That's why I told her she has to get a job. What are we going to do to get it? What job are you going to get? Like in campus, like maybe a waiter.
No, no. We got to get you a real job.
I can't work outside. I know a guy that works for the city.
Yeah, under the table. I know a guy that works for the city that paints, you know, that paints new lines on the streets.
Yeah, yeah. And they need somebody.
You can paint street lines. Yeah.
You can hold a big paint gun. I'll try.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, wow.
But I could, because she had the twinkle in her eye. Yeah, she could feel it.
Yeah, yeah. She was just like, I like this.
And it scared me because it's like, she's only 20 years old, right? Yeah. You know, now she's like, you know, it was 1,700 seats, 1,800 seats, sold out.
It was totally sold out. It was amazing.
Full of energy. They cheered for you in my head.
Because I feel like I'm kind of a parent. You are.
That's your problem. In a weird way.
And I just kind of go, you know, she needs to get a regular job to know how hard life is. To level it out.
To level it out. Because I got to tell you something.
After the show, I said, you walked out to go find Adam. And she was in the bathroom smoking a cigarette.
And she was on the phone. And I go, Rudy, what are you doing? She goes, I'm on the phone with my agent.
And then she put out the cigarette right on the counter. And I go, Rudy.
And she goes, someone will clean it up. Don't worry, bitch.
And then she walked away. And she's getting a little Hollywood for me.
Even for me. You know? Yeah.
It's like when we get an Uber, she's like, no XL? That, she literally. I don't do that.
No XL? Yes, you do. Yeah.
And we're paying for it. You never pay.
I don't pay. She literally goes, it's premium or black.
Yeah. She goes, I don't, I won't.
Somebody goes, should I just get an Uber? She goes, if you're getting a regular Uber, I'll walk. Yeah.
That's how fucking fancy she is. At restaurants, you know what she does now? It's like, we'll be at a restaurant, like a steakhouse.
Yeah. And she'll just go, tomahawk.
Like the most expensive. The most expensive steak.
Wagyu, tomahawk. I don't even know that word.
Oh, bullshit. Fucking liar.
Bullshit, right? I don't like you lying. Caviar, tomahawk, the whole thing.
She did. She ordered the most expensive stuff at the Mexican restaurant.
She wanted all the nice stuff. So a guy and thing, right? There was a short, muscly guy.
What was his name? His body was muscly. I forgot.
He was strong. He was strong.
But very handsome and low to the earth. Very short guy.
He could have been semi-dwarf. Yeah.
Semi. He had a little person vibe.
A little LP in him. A little tiny LP he was cute yeah he was cute yeah then why did you give him the false a false number you gave him a fake number yeah you did why because you were like you really don't want to hang out with him no so what he said was he said Rudy will you go out with me and then we made fun of him and then Rudy was like he is cute and then so he came up and we said well okay let him shoot a shot I guess he was 29 yeah and we were like little little well whatever okay you're 20 you can do whatever you want so then he comes up and then he you said he says well let me get the digits seal the deal that's what brand brian simpson said seal the deal and we both saw you were giving him bullshit yeah i looked over i go it's not 917 you're not in new york yeah so because you didn't want anything to do with it no good i mean good you did it the right way you politely were like here's my number but obviously it's not my number go sit down but he was i thought he was cute i thought he was the right height for you um he seemed like a nice guy well right so what see you're you really aim high huh what do you mean in No, I just...
That's what you want, higher? Well, explain yourself. Why did you not want to hang out with that guy? Because you did say he was cute.
Maybe he could have been a bit taller. He was too short.
Already. I knew that's what it was.
You gotta get a job. Yeah, we've gotta get a job.
What? That's my preference. Yeah, but...
Yeah, it's a little skewed. You know, you'll, but you'll do some dishwashing in a kitchen or something.

You won't mind a little shorter guy.

Yeah, you'll give him the right number.

Yeah, you'll give him the right number just because just in case.

And then, Rudy, why don't you tell –

we got Dr. Drew on stage, our good friend Dr.
Drew,

who we love and he got on stage.

What did you say to Dr. Drew?

Hi, Dr. Drew.

Hi, Laura.

I apologize for Bobby.

But you're very hot That's it That's it He's so hot Dr. Drew's wife Seven feet away She's like right in the front row We see her And Jules looks at it and says, you are so hot.
Hi, Drew.

You're so hot.

Yeah.

Also, can I just say something about your performance Friday night?

Okay.

How about my performance?

No, Andre's.

Oh, Fancy's?

Yeah.

Not me.

Not me.

I told you.

Oh, Fancy.

Tell them what happened.

Fancy opened the show.

He opens the show and I told him, do not say that I'm going to be performing after Trevor

Wallace.

It would have been better if he, I told him, I go, just say, here's here's the next comic. And then say my name.
So there's more of a surprise. But he says that we're all going to do stand-up before, right? No, I didn't.
Yes, you did. If you look, you did.
Yeah, you did. If you look.
I was nervous. I know, you were very nervous.
We have to write him jokes. Yeah, we have to write him jokes.
Because he gets out there and he was like, hey, everybody. And everybody cheers and he goes, hey, everybody.
Twice. I was like, you can say hi once.
One time they got it. And then there's like a weird sweat that develops on his upper lip.
It was trembling. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
His lip was trembling with moisture. And his lips were extra moist.
Yeah, so wet. Yeah, so wet for no reason at all.
Yeah, yeah. Hey, everybody.
Hey, everybody. And at that point, people were concerned he had a stroke.
Someone was like, is he okay? Do you smell toast? Yeah, yeah. I got nervous for you because he did.
We said to fans, and by the way, this is a lesson to people out there that think that stand up and all that shit in public performance is easy. He was supposed to do two fucking minutes.
was up there for 58 seconds 58 seconds less probably

I timed it from the moment he got on stage

12 of that were like cheers

and hooping and hollering and he did another

fucking 40 some odd seconds and then

immediately was like he said three things

hey everybody hey everybody

Trevor Wallace

Trevor Wallace everybody

hey Austin

how are you guys

Thank you. So I can't think of a better place to celebrate that than Texas.
But we just came from dinner to a place that says no guns. What the fuck? That's the whole point.
The only thing I wanted to do when I, you know, got my citizenship was getting a gun. So, now, anyway.
But yeah, we have a great show for you tonight. Yeah.
My favorite comedians will be here in a second. But, before that, we have a special surprise.
Yep. And no, it's not Little Black Magic.
Better. One of Bobby's favorite comedians.
He's such a funny guy, and he's going to come here to do a little bit of his stand-up with us. You know him from tiger belly and his own podcast uh hey welcome trevor wallace but can i say another thing that was like really strange and i think he might be you know brown magic who andreas oh why because remember he was on the floor right because we did a questions and answers thing yes and then we answered someone's questions and then the next thing you know he was up in the balcony he was he was so sneaky we had one guy get up there so fast he had one guy say hey when are you guys gonna make the bottoms of turtle island and within seconds he have another question up here.
And we look up and Fancy's in the balcony with two women. Yeah.
Two women, by the way, that wanted to take you out. Right.
They wanted to take. But the way they asked me was like kind of like scary.
What do you mean? Like why? They sound like they were really drunk. They were high.
They were high. They were very high.
That happens. What's the problem? You don't want to go up.
Because you were the one that you were like, you might be bi, right?

Yeah.

Did you say that?

Kind of.

There's some curiosity there? Yeah.

Right?

And here's another thing that I want to say about you, which was rude, what you did, Andreas,

right?

Just hear me out, okay?

I'm ready for it.

So you said, somebody asked that question, right?

When are you going to make the bottom of the Turtle Island?

That's right.

They said, when are you going to make the movie?

What was Andreas' response? What was your response, Fancy? Fuck you. Working on it.
No, answer it, Fancy. Did he just say fuck you to that guy? Yeah.
I'm working on it. I'm working on it.
He's working on it. Yeah.
Wow, Fancy. He's been a citizen for one month and now fuck you.
One month and he's acting like a real American. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He moved on. He said fuck you to that guy.
Not just fuck you. Fuck you! Yeah.
You fucked that guy right off. What is so wrong with that question? That question didn't deserve an answer? Yeah, why did you say fuck you to that guy? I'm working on it.
Why couldn't you have said that? Yeah, I'm working on it. These movies take time, this and that, right? It would have been way nicer than fuck you.
Yeah, then fuck you. And then meanwhile, the guy, imagine.
He said, okay, I really love that idea. He built up all the courage.
And should I say something in front of all these people? I'm going to, right? I'm going to take the risk, right? So he's nervous. All right, so what are you guys going to make about? Fuck you! It was so mean.
So mean. And it was very unlike you.
That's my whole thing with this. He's becoming, he's a new American.
You know, he bought a gun while we were down in Austin because he wanted a gun in Texas. Yeah.
And he stayed, he goes, I'm going to stay strapped up forever now. And I said, you have to, you can't bring that in everywhere in LA.
But he brought it to every restaurant. He brought a gun into Suarte and they told him to sit outside.
Yeah. He even took a picture of the sign that said, no guns be cool.
Right? Yes. Yes.
Because he wanted to bring his strapped up gun in there. How did you feel about that night? I think it was great, except for my performance.
Your performance was good. We just have to get you tuned up.
If we do a Bad Friends tour next year, we just got to get you tuned up. I think I want to do it.
Do you seriously? Yeah. I think that proved to me.
We can do it. We can do it.
I think that if we mix in, like we did Friday night, we did some stand-up to let people know that, hey, we can get laughs just like anyone else. We're at a comedy festival because we want to show that muscle.
100%. Yeah.
And then when you sit down, it's already – we got the laughs out of the way and now we can do a podcast, which is some of it isn't always funny. Sometimes you get into personal things.
Well, we did with Dr. Drew for sure.
Yeah, yeah. So I thought that was a really good mix.
I thought it was wonderful. So we will.
We'll plan a little tour and we're going to be on a bus. You want to do it on a bus? Yeah.
Have you ever been on one of those tour buses? No. Where you sleep in the bunks? Where do you shower? There's a shower built into it.
There's a shower built into there. Or we stop and we get a hotel in places too so we can have a room to shower and we can do both some places we'll sleep in the bus sometimes when you're on the road you have to drive at night so we'll sleep who's driving oh that's a good question a driver it's an automatic bus not you or Bobby bus.
Not you or Bobby. Why the fuck? Why would I? It's fucking three in the morning.
Why the fuck am I driving a fucking tour bus? We'll crash the bus. Yeah, yeah.
You need a guy that's fucking zooted up on uppers. Lynyrd Skynyrd.
You know what happened to Lynyrd Skynyrd? No. Oh.
We're going to do a Bad Friends tour probably maybe next year. Next year we'll do it.
This year we obviously can't because I got to go back and shoot Dave at the end of the fucking year, which is so far away already. But it's going to end the year for me.
Yeah. 2020, I think we'll definitely do it.
We'll do it. That's why I want her to get a job this summer so that next summer when we do the tour, we'll let you do that.
That's the goal, I think, is to get you a job that we want you to do. Not that you want to do.
Because if she picks a job she wants to do, it's going to be too easy. No, I want her a hard job.
What do you genuinely think we should get her to do? I'll be honest with you. Morning shift at a barista of a busy coffee shop is a nightmare.
It's a fucking nightmare. You've never worked at all.
No. Oh my God, she's going to collapse.
Or wait tables at a really busy... It's got to be – because breakfast is so hard.
Breakfast is – And it's a slammed restaurant. And everyone is busy.
You're tired. And they have somewhere to be.
And you're fucking exhausted and you don't want to be there. And you have a section that – you have 12 tables, right? And you have to memorize what everyone has.
You're constantly looking at your paper. People complaining, where's my ketchup? Can you fight customers? Yes.
Yes, you can physically fight them. Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is part fight them yes that is part of the server handbook it does say if they cross a line with you and your lines are your lines you're allowed to physically attack them yeah but you're only allowed two attacks a day so you gotta kinda pick and choose which tables you feel like physically well you can't I'll be honest with you like my brother I've gotten two jobs uh huh, you can just remind me because we're at pizza Saturday night or Friday night and he goes, remember your brother at Tempe? Oh, at the Tempe Improv.
Yeah, because I got banned from the Tempe Improv. Congrats.
And so my brother got banned. And you got banned from Cap City.
We just told Austin that too. So I got banned from both clubs, right? But Tempe, because of my asshole and then meanwhile in austin you showed your asshole that's true yeah so put it in the theater you can't get banned from theater yeah yeah so my bad so that um but my brother um got fired from tempe so i begged them because my brother would go in asu yeah and i go you know i'm a comic you know they i know the guy three later, the guy calls me and he goes, I had a fire brother.
I go, why? Because he tried to stab a waitress or threatened to stab. Right? Big difference between threatened and tried to stab.
Oh, no, he didn't try. But he goes, I will stab you, bitch, or something like that.
Well, what did she say? She goes, she complained to the management. No, how did he get to wanting to stab her? It wasn't like, hey, can you roll silverware with me? I think his thumb was in like a sandwich.
Well, that's, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I get it. But like dug in, probably.
Yeah, yeah. And she's like, fuck you.
And he's like, I'll stab you. Yeah, like if he committed a murder, they would definitely get that print off the sandwich.
Off the sandwich. Yeah, and then the second time he got fired was Sushi Dan's.
I love Sushi Dan's. Right, so I got to my job there.
Dan calls me. He goes, I had to fire your brother.
And I go, why? And he goes, he threw sushi at the sushi chef. Well, why? Because he yelled at my brother, and my brother snapped and threw a fucking yellowtail at him.
How funny would it be if while he's cutting, he caught it? He's like, oh. It's not Benny, but.
All right, we're getting you a job. And we'll take suggestions, by the way.
Oh, there's Bob showing the star. And thank you for covering the hole.
Yeah, he covered it up. That's family right there.
Fancy got so fucking nervous that you were going to open your butthole. I know.
He was free. Dude, he was panicking.
I mean, look at his hair his hair how sweaty it looks like he jumped out of a pool I know

he was so nervous

because he was like

please don't show

your butthole Bob

yeah

so we're gonna pick

we're gonna pick

the job

okay

but Bob

let's take suggestions

from fans

you guys in the comments

you should comment

about what

you guys want Rudy to do

what job you want her to do

because we want to

I think we should do that

don't you think

we should take suggestions

at least

yeah yeah

and then we'll take

a final poll

and whittle it down

yeah yeah

does that sound good

yeah

alright well listen love you. We're going to do a Bad Friends tour.
Thank you for everybody that came out to Austin. Thanks for everyone that came out in Dallas.
Yeah. We appreciate you guys so much.
Bob is heading off to Oklahoma to go shoot. I'll be there for 12 days shooting second season of Res Reservation Dogs.
Which is a great show and if you haven't seen it,

please watch Reservation Dogs

on FX.

Why are you laughing?

I'm being serious.

Okay.

I've seen,

I watched the show.

It was good.

Those twins are fucking

really good.

They're really good.

They're very, very talented.

Anyway,

go ahead, Rudy.

Thank you for being

a bad friend.

Thank you for being

a bad friend.

Good night, everybody.

Thank you.

Good night, baby. thank you for being a bad friend good night everybody thank you good night baby well do you ever feel like that as a comedian do you ever feel or a performer do you ever feel why me sometimes what do you mean i mean in the in the rate of success like do you ever think well why why me why was i chosen you know is it serious i'm being serious i think the serious answer to that without any jokes is is that i feel like when i started i knew i was going to make a living no but not.
I'm not going to make a living. I'm talking become what you become, which is extremely successful.
Honestly, this is the honest truth. I feel like I'm mid-level.
Bobby, you know how many people that would be so angry at you for saying that that are so. Yeah, because they're not mid-level.
They're bottom level're angry because they're about but there's a higher level so why can't i be mid-level but there is no high level because even people at high level go well i'm not up here and then those people well i'm not up here so i'm saying there is either you're successful or you haven't been making a living at it yet yeah and you're very successful so i'm saying do you ever think beyond your ability because

you're extremely talented i'm not i'm saying put that stuff aside okay do you ever think was i chosen was i picked was this like part of a a destiny thing well i i've i'm being genuine i'm being genuine genuine too i believe everything and this is gonna sound so cheesy so what i believe and I talked to her about this

about spirituality and stuff

I say I said to her about this, about spirituality and stuff. I said to her, I go, I just honestly believe that everything in my past was meant to happen to lead up to this moment.
Right. So I believe that everything, I've learned lessons, you know, and there's choices that you make.
I mean, you know, when you're like, when I went to rehab before, I'm the one that went, I have to make a choice here.

I'm going to go.

I could have not gone.

I don't know what would have happened after that, but I've made the right choices at the right times,