Teen Mom Bumps Bobby

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 You two are something. We're bad friends.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome my best buddy, my best little tiny niece. Look at her.
What's wrong with you? She's like a depressed pill bug. I'm scared.

Speaker 1 Of what?

Speaker 1 Tomorrow. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Because we're going to Austin, Texas. This will have aired already when we've gotten away.
I know, but we can still express our feelings. And you know what? You shouldn't be scared.

Speaker 1 Did you, Bobby was panicking in the car?

Speaker 1 Were you? No, I wasn't.

Speaker 1 What was I doing in the car?

Speaker 1 He was like breathing really fast, and then he was like, we're going to bomb tomorrow. We are going to bomb.
Yeah, we are going to bomb. But that's okay.
That's okay. And here's why it's okay.

Speaker 1 We'll be together. Our whole life.
Did I say that in the car?

Speaker 1 We're going to bomb together. Me, Bob, and Fancy.
If you were alone on the Titanic by yourself, it'd be scary. So scary.
So with us? So fun. Not fun, but we'll drown together.
It'd be kind of fun.

Speaker 1 We'd make some jokes on the way down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'd be like, I bet you that fat guy's going to float.

Speaker 1 I know. You'd make a few jokes.
You and I, though, you know what? Here's the fight, though.

Speaker 1 We're like in the second deck.

Speaker 1 The whole boat is submerged. You and me are in the bottom of the boat.
Yeah, yeah, the bottom, because we're working there.

Speaker 1 We just got up to the boat. But you know how there's always that like little gap of air that people try to.
Yeah, yeah. You and I will fight for that little tiny gap of air.
We'll headbutt each other.

Speaker 1 But then we'll end up kissing

Speaker 1 and survive on each other's breaths. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait, there's us on the boat right there. That's us.
There's Bobby on the right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. That's, yeah, what are you? You're not even on there.

Speaker 1 There's four Asians that died in the Titanic. Wait, was there any Irish people that died on the Titanic?

Speaker 1 That's where the scum, they were the scum on the boat. Have you ever seen the movie Titanic? Yes.
Did you see any Asians in that fucking movie? No. Those four guys were never represented.

Speaker 1 Why didn't I say that? We should make another Titanic too. Let's make our version.
Me,

Speaker 1 who else should be in it? Well, there's some ugly Asians there.

Speaker 1 Is that after they drowned?

Speaker 1 That looks like after they drowned.

Speaker 1 That guy on the right looks like he has barnacles on his face from the bottom of the boat. Got stuck to his head on the way down.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And the guy next to the guy in the far right, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 You know what that thing on his head is? On the right? A shiitake mushroom. They grow on them now? No, they don't grow, buddy.
That's what they use when they do the walk. Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy to the left.
The guy to the left of him looks a little

Speaker 1 Yakuza. You know what I mean? He was already a little bit of a.
He's a little Yakuza. Yeah, yeah.
What's the guy in the second? He's the money guy. No, that's obviously the money guy.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And the guy on the far left is, he is actually, this guy on the far left, he's the most debonair. That was their version of the handsome guy they sent out.
Like, that's their James.

Speaker 1 That's their James Bond. What if that was like

Speaker 1 the Asian Rat Pack? This is a show. They were doing the show at the bottom level.

Speaker 1 How would that sound like? You know what I mean? Go ahead. What's the song that they would sing? Well,

Speaker 1 the Rat Pack. Yeah, yeah.
Sing New York, New York. I don't know the song.
That's That's the problem. Well, just say New York, New York over here.
New York, New York. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 We never been there, but New York. You know what I mean? And then.

Speaker 1 Concrete jungle where dreams are made up. Look at this.

Speaker 1 Start spreading the news.

Speaker 1 I'm leaving today. Hey, Chang.
I think there's water beneath our feet. Keep going.
Keep going. I want to be a part of

Speaker 1 New York. New York.
Oh, my legs are wet.

Speaker 1 I don't know why. Maybe you're so nervous you're peeing yourself.

Speaker 1 These poor bastards. These poor bastards are.
Show me the Irishmen that died on the boat. These scumbags.
What were they doing? These potato fucking losers. They were definitely in the bottom of the

Speaker 1 Irish that died on the Titanic. One guy.
Here's one guy. No, one dude.
It's a whole family. Look at that.
There they all go. Oh, there they are.
Oh, that's me on the top right.

Speaker 1 Look at me in the top right.

Speaker 1 That's just so angry. Look at all the look at his open mouth breathers.
Look at how dumb these people were.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine going down? Do you ever get scared of boats? No, because I can swim.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 If you're in the middle of the fucking ocean, you can swim. It's cool.
Yeah, you can swim. Yeah, but I can just float.

Speaker 1 Oh, you think you float? You float. You do.
Listen, so what you're saying to me right now, Jules, is that in the Titanic, you're down there. You're the manager of the Rat Pack, the Asian Rat Pack.

Speaker 1 I'd probably just die because it's so cold, so it doesn't matter. That's right.
Bingo. Yeah, you'd die for sure.
You'd be dead for sure. I want to tell you something.

Speaker 1 Did I talk about this on the show? That I watched my favorite documentary. I watched it again, the Someplace Like Heaven about old people in Florida.

Speaker 1 Amazing. What's it called? A Place Like Heaven.
I told you. Someplace, some kind of heaven way off.
I talked about it on the show already.

Speaker 1 Let me look at the cover. I think I've seen it before.
Give me the cover of the DVD. Absolutely beautiful.
Can I get the cover of the DVD with the DVD? Well, it's not on DVD. It's on there.

Speaker 1 It's on Netflix. It's on Hulu.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Beautiful. About old people.
Yeah, I've seen that. It just reminded me that, you know, we're going to die, and we might as well soak it up while we're alive because who knows how long we'll last.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't think I'm going to end up on one of those like

Speaker 1 retirement communities. Yeah, there's no way.
Imagine you and I together, though, how much fun we would have. They would bocce nights.
We get kicked out. We would get kicked out.

Speaker 1 We would totally get kicked out. What would we do the late night? We'd probably do the podcast.

Speaker 1 We do old man podcasts late from

Speaker 1 an old conversation. Really bad friends.
We change it. Very bad.
Very old friends. Old, bad friends.

Speaker 1 There you are right now. That's not me, man.
That's us on the podcast. That's the native dude, right? And that's me in the background.
Well, let's tell the audience, let's not kick around it.

Speaker 1 Bobby is going to do... How many episodes are you doing of Reservation Dogs? I'm

Speaker 1 doing two episodes of Reservation Dogs. Why?

Speaker 1 What's the character called?

Speaker 1 Dr. Kang.

Speaker 1 You're that. You're playing another Asian doctor? Yeah, I'm a doctor.
Dr. Kang? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Can you believe that they think you could pass for a doctor? It's striking to me. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Give me one medical term. Okay, well,

Speaker 1 your metamorphosis is mesastetized. My metamorphosis is metastasized?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and the tumor is mesastitized, and it's metamorphosized into a bigger tumor, and we need to really get the scalpel and remove the mass that's inside your colon.

Speaker 1 Are you in my insurance network? Because I feel like I have to make sure that

Speaker 1 I don't know if you're.

Speaker 1 That's not believable. Where did you go to medical school? I went to John Hopkins University.
Bob Hopkins? Bob Hoskins. Bob Hodgkins.
I went to Bob Hopkins. You went to Bob Hodgkin's disease?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, Bob Hodgkin's disease university. And we had a football team, the Hodgkin Hawks.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Yes.

Speaker 1 The Hodgkin Strokes. Stroke Hawks.
And they... The Stroke Hawks.

Speaker 1 We were in the second division. Which one? Of the Football League.
The second division? Of the American National College Football League. Division 2? Division 2.
We call it 2nd Division. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, you know, tit-for-tat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and we won the conference. That's right.
We did. Who'd you guys play in the championship? The DeVry, you know,

Speaker 1 the DeVry Mesmerizers. Oh, because they're mesmerized.
They mesmerize you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They just talk you to death. You know who could pass for a little doctor?

Speaker 1 You could be a little doctor. No.

Speaker 1 Okay, so I'm a patient. All right.
Just really focus on the improv here and commit to it. All right.
So I'm a doctor and I have. You're a patient.
Yeah. I have Lyme disease, right?

Speaker 1 And you have to explain to me what that is. So

Speaker 1 hey, Doc.

Speaker 1 I'll be the nurse. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Doctor? Yeah. This is Mr.
Bob Lee.

Speaker 1 As we spoke about before, all the vitals seem pretty normal except for an unusually small epididymis. But everything else seems normal.

Speaker 1 The gentleman, blood results came back that he has, of course, Lyme disease. And would you like to take it from here and tell him what's going on?

Speaker 1 Hi, Mr. Lee.
What's your name? I'm Dr.

Speaker 1 Kyon. Hello.
How are you? Good. Good start.

Speaker 1 How's your day?

Speaker 1 Well, I have fucking Lyme disease, but other than that.

Speaker 1 You don't know that? I still don't know. You just said it.
To her. Oh, that's right.
But I overheard it. She walked in the room.
Oh, you were in the hallway? You're on the table kicking your legs.

Speaker 1 Is that in the hallway? Yeah, you're on the table kicking your legs on the street. You have to do your monologue again.
And come back in.

Speaker 1 Come back in, right? Hello? Hi, Mr. Lee.
How are you? Your name is?

Speaker 1 I'm Dr.

Speaker 1 kun how are you i feel great um this morning my little boy 12 years old ramon uh got the uh the home run at the softball game and uh hit an old lady in the eye we don't know what's gonna happen to her but um he did win a trophy and i'm very excited

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 okay, so you have Lyme disease? Didn't hear a word you said about something, like didn't even acknowledge.

Speaker 1 You were like, we could have killed someone. She's like, okay.
Okay, so you have Lyme disease.

Speaker 1 Skipped right over it.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. You have Lyme disease? Do Do you know what that is? Uh-oh.
You don't have to be scared. I don't? Because it seems like a serious thing.
I'll explain it to you. Okay.
Oh, sorry. My bad.

Speaker 1 Don't be scared. Okay.
Okay, so it's just a stage three

Speaker 1 type of skin disease.

Speaker 1 Lyme disease is a skin disease? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Why are you asking the nurse? I'm the doctor. I know, but I saw a documentary about Lyme disease.
I also know somebody that has it. And

Speaker 1 it's not a skin thing. But anyway, I might have a version that's...

Speaker 1 I'm the doctor.

Speaker 1 My bad. My bad.
Why are you questioning doctor? I'm not questioning you. I'm so sorry.
Don't be rude. I had no idea that Lyme disease can go on the skin.
Right? So that's all. It's like a rash.

Speaker 1 Well, you get it. It comes through your skin from a.

Speaker 1 From a tick. That's exactly right.

Speaker 1 I know that. That is true.
Now I'm back on board. Okay.
I'm back on board. What do you have? Is stage three? I have a stage three skin Lyme disease.

Speaker 1 Yeah, which means you're going to die in six months. Six months isn't bad.

Speaker 1 So tell your son, congratulations. Uh-huh.
And

Speaker 1 wait, why is he congratulating his son on his death? Wait, wait, wait. I found the trophy.

Speaker 1 Fuck my son, though. Oh, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 What you're saying to me is that there's no treatment? No.

Speaker 1 Because...

Speaker 1 Well. Because it's stage three? No, because...
How many stages are there, doctor? Yeah. I'm still in medical school.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 Stage four.

Speaker 1 There's four stages. Stage one, two, three, four.
So four, you just die immediately. They're secure.
There's a eight. Stage three, you die in six months.
What does stage four done?

Speaker 1 What does stage four do? An hour and a half. Yeah.
Yeah. You get like an idea.
There's a cure, though. What is it? There's a cure, but because

Speaker 1 you have

Speaker 1 you're Asian?

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Oh, no.
Here it goes.

Speaker 1 Here it goes. Here's the racism.

Speaker 1 Here goes the racism. I knew there was racism involved in this.
What happens? Because I'm Asian. What happens? What's the color of a lime?

Speaker 1 A lime is green? Green? Yeah.

Speaker 1 She thought a lime was yellow?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 She legitimately. She let her follow through.
I know. Let her follow through.
It's not bad. It's still good.

Speaker 1 A lime is green. But aren't there yellow? Aren't there yellow lemons? There are yellow lemons.
Let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 You're going to be green with envy when everyone else is alive and you're dead. That's what's going on.
I'm just saying that there's no cure for...

Speaker 1 Yeah, but what does the lime and the green have anything to do with it? Because you just mentioned it. He's about to cry again, Doc.
We just mentioned it.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, because you have yellow skin. I have yellow skin, and.

Speaker 1 It might be the same as the lime.

Speaker 1 Although lime is a green. There's a green.
There's like yellow limes. So I'm saying.
Oh, they're yellow. I didn't know.

Speaker 1 Because we have our system look up. Is there yellow limes? There are yellow limes.
Google it, please. Just in case.
Just in case, because if that's true, then... See?

Speaker 1 There are...

Speaker 1 Wow, the doctor's really excitable.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 you have to be a a bully about your education. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I didn't know. I know I'm aware, but please don't shame me because I didn't know.
I just learned something new.

Speaker 1 I'm also dying in six months. You're dying in six months.
Yeah, so

Speaker 1 since I have yellow skin, and I didn't know that

Speaker 1 the fruit lime had anything to do with, because I thought Lyme disease was spelled L-Y-M-E. Me too, actually.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And not L-I-M-E.
Well, it sounds the same, so it's fine.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 okay, that logic. Valid.
So there's nothing I can do because I have the same color of skin as a fucking lime. Yeah.
Now, Doctor, since I'm in medical school, I'm just curious.

Speaker 1 If I got it, being an orange person, would I survive? Yeah, I think so. Okay.

Speaker 1 But if he had orange disease. Oh, no.
If I had orange. Orange.
Yeah, orange disease.

Speaker 1 Right. That he would die, right? Hey, if you're going to die in six months, for real,

Speaker 1 what is your six months like?

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. That'd be tough, man.
You want the real answer? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'd I'd probably have to

Speaker 1 really

Speaker 1 get my life in order. What do you mean by that? I would go to my accountant's house or office in Marina Del Rey.
His house is his office, but go ahead. That's true.
I do know that. I know you do.

Speaker 1 I know you do. Okay.
So I would go to his house then. You fucking asshole.
And he's a legit guy. And I would just sit there and go, let's just look at all my finances.
I have to do a living will here.

Speaker 1 Oh. Yeah.
So who gets what is the real question? And who who does get what?

Speaker 1 I would go 50-50 with the house with Kalila and my brother.

Speaker 1 So they split the house? Yeah, if they want to sell it or

Speaker 1 she's in it. So then he's not living.
He's got to move in with her now? No, I'm just saying that he's half-owner. He could.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? My brother would get my car. Yeah, the new car.
The new car. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would also split my money, probably

Speaker 1 60-40.

Speaker 1 Your brother? My mom and my brother. But your mom, does she need your money?

Speaker 1 She's fine. She's not.
But it's just like, I can't die. And then my mom being, okay, what do I get? Nothing because you're old.
Well, she is. I know, but I know I got to give her something.

Speaker 1 Well, you would just lie. Be like, no, no, the accountant's going to take care of you.
But then by the time

Speaker 1 you're dead and she doesn't know anybody. So my brother, probably.
Yeah, your brother.

Speaker 1 And Jules, you would probably get some shoes. A little bit of shoes.
Yes. A couple of gold.
A couple of shoes.

Speaker 1 What would you want that I have that if I died? What would you want? Be real. Your PS5.

Speaker 1 That's a big one. Fuck, man.
You got to give her that one. You got my PS5.
Or you could take that one with you. You know, people do get buried with stuff now.
Yeah, I want things buried.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I want a cat and a dog. So a live one? Yeah.

Speaker 1 They die with you? They could eat my corpse. Yeah, that makes sense.
I don't want it also formaldehyde. I don't want any of that.
I want to be organic. So you want to be in one of those body suits.

Speaker 1 When I'm, yeah, I want open casket, but organic.

Speaker 1 Right? So nothing's preserved. Right.
I just want people to see who I really have become. Rotting away? Yes.
All right. So I just want chunks of skin, like, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And just, and I want people, everyone has to look.

Speaker 1 Oh, and it says must look as you want. You must look.
Check it out. It's a big arrow pointing out.
I'm going to have

Speaker 1 who's a big guy that we know. Like famous? Yeah, it's a guy to be able to direct people's heads into the

Speaker 1 way. I know who.
That big dude that works at the store. You know the guy, the grizzly big bear.
What's his name? Who?

Speaker 1 The K-1.

Speaker 1 You know, there's that big grizzly dude. What's his name? Merv? Yeah.
Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But Merv is a big guy, right? Big guy, yeah. And maybe Guam.
You know Guam at the store.

Speaker 1 You know Guam made out with Paul Abdul?

Speaker 1 Do you not know this story? I feel like this is his story to tell, but he's not going to be on the show to be able to tell it.

Speaker 1 Why can't he be? Why can't Guam be on the show

Speaker 1 i get it you know why yeah

Speaker 1 because we have anyway there's a young lady present yeah yeah so why none of your business

Speaker 1 no guam is a guy that works at the story he's a great comic very he's from literally guam i love him he's great yeah yeah this has happened i don't

Speaker 1 i can't believe you don't know the story like a week and a half ago paul abdul shows up to the comedy store wasted and i mean wasted

Speaker 1 and she shows up with like three different girls and guam is the only person up at the front and he's like hey, ladies, are you, do you, do you guys, are you coming into the show?

Speaker 1 Does Guam represent, I mean, I represent, recognize Paula, Bill? Of course, immediately. But that's why he was like, what are they doing out on the sidewalk? Like, they were just hanging out drunk.

Speaker 1 And he's like, are you guys coming into the show?

Speaker 1 And she's like,

Speaker 1 we want to watch comedy, but, you know, like, where should we go? And he's like, let me take care of you. So he walks her around to the back.
I wish we could call him. I don't have his number.

Speaker 1 He'll tell you this whole story. Walks them around to the back, okay, gets them a booth and makes a joke, makes a joke and says, what do we want for breakfast tomorrow?

Speaker 1 Like as if they're all going to have a sleepover. And she's loving it.
Very funny. Dude, she laughs, grabs his arm, and pulls him close and is laughing, cracking up, loving it.

Speaker 1 Okay, I don't know if that's that funny, but. Let me tell you something.
Okay.

Speaker 1 He sits them down. He goes, let me get you guys around to drinks.
Gets them around to drinks. Great move.
Dude, gets them around to drinks. Get ready.
You always give the alcohol more alcohol.

Speaker 1 He puts the drinks down and she kisses him right in the mouth. But not make out.
Kisses him on the lips, but get ready. Yeah.
Then he thinks she must be just goofing around. Yeah.
Walks away. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Then when he comes back,

Speaker 1 she wants him around all the time. She's like, take me out here.
Guam is escorting Paul Abdul around the comedy store. And look at me in the face when I say this.
Kissed him no less than 10 times.

Speaker 1 There are multiple witnesses. Multiple witnesses.
Tongue kissing. Kiss all over the place.
Just kissing, kissing, kissing, kissing. That's insane.
Get ready. It gets even better.
Okay.

Speaker 1 By the end of the night, they're ready to go, and she's getting in a car or whatever.

Speaker 1 He's flirting with her even more because now he's he's like shooting a shot. Yeah, and he's like, Well, let me just get your number.
She gives him her number.

Speaker 1 I am not making this up, and he kisses her again in the car, and all her friends are like, Ooh, and he's been texting with Paul Abdul.

Speaker 1 Okay, can I say something? This is 100% a true story, and nothing against Guam. I really like him, yeah.

Speaker 1 How can we call him shit?

Speaker 1 I really like him, right? Yeah, but it's like a story. This is the story that I heard, page.

Speaker 1 You know, Kate Blanchett, she met with a homeless person

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Speaker 1 I mean, I mean, it's not that much of a lovable dude. He's a lovable dude.
He's very funny.

Speaker 1 He shouted about it. That's how shocking it is to me.

Speaker 1 It's like it's he's been texting Rapel Abdul. Do you know Charlie Hill? No.
Who's that? So Charlie Hill was the only Native American stand-up comic, right?

Speaker 1 So, okay, so there he is. Is he the guy that cried in the trash commercial? No.

Speaker 1 Bro, bro, bro. yes.

Speaker 1 If anyone, people listening are too young, right? Well, show a clip of that. In the 70s, it was it, they did like a don't litter commercial.
Right. So it was a commercial.

Speaker 1 You'd be watching cartoons, and then all of a sudden you'd see, you know, a Native American man on a horse. There he is.
You know what I mean? On a cliff,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 And he would see... Trash.
Well, cars would drive by and they would throw trash. Look at there.
He's in a canoe.

Speaker 1 He's canoeing down

Speaker 1 the LA River there after a strong rain.

Speaker 1 And look at all that trash, yeah.

Speaker 1 Pan out. Look at all the boats and the oil, and what all the look at all the destruction that the white man has done.
That's all of it right there. Yeah,

Speaker 1 and I agree with all that, by the way. Look at that

Speaker 1 mucking it up. He can't even get to the shore.
Oh my god, there's trash at the shore.

Speaker 1 Drags up his canoe.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's me. I've done that before.
I've literally done that before.

Speaker 1 Oh, one. One tier.
One tier. Now, imagine that guy.
Keep America Beautiful, the Cab Org. Imagine that guy now looking at LA.
Now, he would just be,

Speaker 1 he would just, not one tier. He would just be in a trauma.
By the way, can we go back and show real fast the amount of trash inside of that fucking bag?

Speaker 1 Who throws away that? Look at how much fucking trash. Look at that.
Yeah, that's insane. Look at all that.

Speaker 1 Why do you put a pumpkin inside eating a pumpkin?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's literally a pumpkin in there.

Speaker 1 That's such a comical amount of trash. And I just say this, too, with this bullshit editing, right? It is bad trading.
Because the bag is empty.

Speaker 1 He threw out a bag that was obviously empty, and then they throw down a gigantic. So this is propaganda once again.
Right, empty bag. Nothing in there.

Speaker 1 There's no orange there's nothing in there right and then now cut two editing full huge fucking bullshit entire

Speaker 1 i think there's a dragon's head yeah it's insane that's insane you don't know that you've never seen that campaign that was a big deal and also by the way it worked it worked because it made people feel bad and i think that was probably part of the inspiration for now the littering fines are huge when you litter so charlie hill right god bless charlie hill that dude

Speaker 1 made love to the original wonder woman oh what's her name?

Speaker 1 Linda Carter? Is that right? Yeah, Linda Carter. That's a sad thing.
Oh, there's right. Okay,

Speaker 1 so Rich made love to Linda Carter. Not Rich.
Charlie Hill. Rich Hill.
Charlie Hill. Yeah.
Charlie Hunnam. Charlie Hill was a stand-up comic.
Grant Hill. Okay.

Speaker 1 And his opening lay was, Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you?

Speaker 1 Fuck off. I swear to God, that was a he made love to Wonder Woman? Yeah.
Were they dated or was it just a moment?

Speaker 1 This is honestly, dude, back in the 70s, right? Comedy was so hot, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you remember the comedy store, you could make, I'm not kidding you, if you did just the comedy store alone, you played Westwood, Hollywood, San Diego, and Vegas in just a year, you can make $250,000 a year.

Speaker 1 Fuck you. Yeah, in the 70s if you were doing stand-up.
That's like $10 million.

Speaker 1 I know. That's how hot comedy was.

Speaker 1 And if you just did stand-up on like a Tuesday night, they just threw pussy at you Jesus you know I mean and he was the only Native American and probably in court she probably watched that fucking commercial with the fucking Native American crying

Speaker 1 and he was really good looking that guy by the way yeah who that fucking uh Charlie Charlie Hill yeah it's a good looking guy one of the nicest guys in the world I get I get that she would want to hook up with him it's no wonder she would want to hook up with him look at that guy beautiful head of hair great body yeah back then look right dude back then Rudy says he's hot yeah that's a hot guy I like his hair you like his long wavy hair yeah hey how are you?

Speaker 1 I mean, that's so funny. Yeah.
I'm sure he killed. Yeah, but it's like, you know, because I knew him when I started.
He was the round star. Oh, my God.
One of the nicest guys in the world, man.

Speaker 1 Is he alive? Is he gone? No, when he died, he died maybe four or five years ago. And

Speaker 1 right before he died.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh. What?

Speaker 1 What are you doing? I came and visited him. Where? At the hospital in Scripps.
Oh, he owned. Yeah, and I had a bag full of trash.

Speaker 1 And I just

Speaker 1 dumped it. And then Betty just starts slowly crying.
Just dumped it on his body. Bobby, please.
No. No, I didn't do that.
By the way, you're going to get canceled off of the Reservation Dog show now.

Speaker 1 We made some Native American jokes. I didn't make any.

Speaker 1 We're team. I'm kidding.
I didn't make any. I've been fine.
Are you excited to go do that show? In Oklahoma, no less. They shoot on a res, huh? Yeah,

Speaker 1 what's amazing about that show is that. Kirk Fox.
Yeah, Kirk's on it. Bill Burr's on it.

Speaker 1 Burr's on it? Yeah. Oh, fuck.
That's great. Mark Marin's on it.
Mark's on it. Yep.
No, I'm kidding. And,

Speaker 1 yeah, what's great about it is that it's the all the whole writing staff is native.

Speaker 1 Everyone. Yeah.
The director is native. Good.
The showrunners are native. Good.
Yeah. Well, it's about native culture.
Yeah. And I'm glad that they hired a Korean guy.
You're literally.

Speaker 1 Well, the reason why they did is because,

Speaker 1 you know, Sterling, the showrunner,

Speaker 1 he grew up on the reservations. And for some reason, all the doctors are Korean.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why are the Korean doctors? I don't know why. Maybe Koreans are lazier than the Chinese doctors.
I don't know what it is. I mean, there's Mahjong there.

Speaker 1 You guys love gambling. We do.
You love gambling. Which Asian culture loves gambling the most? Chinese, right? Yeah, the Chinese love it.
And they're good at it. They're pretty good at it.

Speaker 1 Because I go to the casino and I see them, they're fucking high-rolling big money, the Chinese. Yeah.
I just don't like the

Speaker 1 Chinese dealers. Why? They're just so arrogant.
The attitude. When they win.
Well, they also fuck up.

Speaker 1 When they win. They love to watch you.
In your face,

Speaker 1 right in your face. Yeah, yeah.
I don't like that. They love to take your fucking money whenever you lose, and they always go, oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Too bad.
Too bad. Too bad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But do you gamble good? You know, honestly, every time we play a casino, I still can't get over looking at Carlos with hair. Did you not say anything to his new hair? You saw it last night.

Speaker 1 Oh, you saw it? Did they glue it to your head? It's glued. I have to put like a solvent on it.

Speaker 1 That's That's glued to your scalp? Yeah, it was like a professional. It's going to stay on for two weeks.
Oh, my God. But I'm taking it off tonight.
Why?

Speaker 1 Because I'm going to Texas tomorrow. I don't want to.
I think it looks good. I could do it.
I honestly, because you're doing the... Are you going to be on stage with us?

Speaker 1 I mean, no, I'm just going to take pictures and stuff. Right, right.

Speaker 1 I think it'd be cool that you would have that because they would be like, because they know who you are, some people, because you do trash Tuesdays as well.

Speaker 1 So it's like, I think it'd be funny just to have the fucking toupee.

Speaker 1 I like it without the hair. Yeah.
I feel like women like me natural and all the guys are like, keep the hair. Yeah.
What do you think? I mean,

Speaker 1 well, first of all, I didn't know it was glued to your head. I thought you could just take it off.
Are you going to just, would you style it? Can you style it? I can't.

Speaker 1 I could go get a haircut or something like that. Yeah.
I think it looks good, though, don't you? I mean, I feel like I don't believe Bobby.

Speaker 1 No, I feel like, no, I feel like, dude, because I've known you for a very long time, okay? And whatever, your head's great. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But what I'm saying is that what I can't believe is that it looks realistic.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it does, really? Yeah, because no, it's because you are so used to looking at it, right? But if somebody didn't know you, you wouldn't know that that was a toupee, would you?

Speaker 1 He just looks more like a creep.

Speaker 1 Really? And that balding fucking incel look that he had before is fine. Let me see, pull it back and let's see what it looks like.

Speaker 1 Oh, that looks weird. That doesn't look natural.
And it's glue. Yeah, it's glue.
Yeah, yeah. Like, if I ripped it off, it would hurt like hell.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think like the hair I have would like be ripped off with it.

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 i think that's what i would do though if i was balding what just do that vibe i like that because you could change it around you could do but i mean the glue part that's like in it you have to rip it off your fucking head yeah well i have to get a q-tip put solvent at the end and then slowly like put it into my head and then take it off like peel it off slowly oh fuck that yeah it's gonna be a long night i want to share with something with you that happened to me today in therapy i'd like to share something with you that happened to me as well go share first then no I'd love you to share first.

Speaker 1 Please share first. Please go ahead.
I will. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Next time I say I'm going to share something, don't double down and say you're going to share something. Okay.
That's what I. Is that what you learned in therapy?

Speaker 1 Sounds like you're really hitting strides.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I have really deep, because you know I have the OCD thing and the obsessive-compulsive thing.

Speaker 1 So what I've been doing is,

Speaker 1 you know, I used to touch doorknobs three times, touch Kalila three times, you know, with my feet, you know, turn around in the movie theater, you know, you know, all my little things.

Speaker 1 Yeah, your cracks and ticks and this and that, right? So over the last three months, I've just weeded that out of my life.

Speaker 1 So if I touch a doorknob, right, I just go, don't touch it again. You leave it alone.
Yeah, and it passes the feeling. Really? Yeah, and now it doesn't happen.

Speaker 1 Did you think if you didn't touch it, someone would die? You know, that's a common thing. People think like something's bad is going to happen.
It's worse. What? Die slowly.
Oh, definitely. You would.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Lyme disease.
Oh, from

Speaker 1 six months. Yeah.
The skin kind of. Stage three, I imagine.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dr. Kuhn.
This is something, yeah, Dr. Kuhn told me.
But

Speaker 1 yeah, something dreadful.

Speaker 1 It's not a specific thing, like, but something bad is going to happen if I don't do this. Right.
And if I do do it, something good is going to happen. Right, like the world will be good again.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or, you know, I'll get it. Like you're the butterfly effect.
Yeah, I'll get a Marvel movie. Well, we know that's not.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so

Speaker 1 she's helped me audition for like three Marvel movies. I never get them.
Never gonna call back. Anyway, let's move on.
You're in Borderlands is a huge movie.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, that's huge.
Is it not? It might be. But that's like a shin that from the world of.

Speaker 1 It's not. It's a video game.
It was a comic book, though. It's a video game.
Oh, I thought it was a comic book. Yeah.
Anyway, so but what my OCD has turned into is something very weird. What?

Speaker 1 It's

Speaker 1 if you look at my drawers in the kitchen and she's she needs the boxes. I literally have um

Speaker 1 like if you work like I have more sunflower seeds than

Speaker 1 you would see at a Walmart or something you you're put you're filling your drawers with sunflower seeds not just filling them I have like store boxes. Why I I'm obsessed with it.

Speaker 1 Are you chewing them all day long? Yeah, and so at nights are you spitting them out or are you chewing them? yeah so i have jars next to my bed

Speaker 1 right

Speaker 1 and i fill them with sunflower but the thing is there's so much salt in it yeah that it hurts my neck so i can't sleep and i wake up super sick i feel sick you're eating enough sunflower seeds to hurt your neck yeah

Speaker 1 like i don't even think they i think if we called them they'd be like we've never heard of that before yeah yeah yeah it's well because you know i had a glue thing I know, but glue, you weren't eating glue.

Speaker 1 I know, but I was still obsessively doing it. So it's the same version of why I'm doing it.
Can we get you back on glue?

Speaker 1 No. I'm trying to weed out all that because they're all.
But it sounds like you're supplementing one thing for another. That's exactly what I'm doing.
Well, so.

Speaker 1 That's exactly what it is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. They're very healthy.
They've got, look at that. Rich in nutrients, sunflower seeds, relatively high in calories.
These are the downsides.

Speaker 1 Oh. Sprouted seeds, stool blockages.
Oh, have you been able to poop? No. When was the last time you pooped? Days.
You haven't pooped in days? Yeah. Well, let's get you a stool softener.

Speaker 1 Like, in fact, I was at the Internet. Oh, first of all, I went to the Internet last night.
I have a couple of qualms. Oh, there's a stool softener right there.
Yeah, yeah, I have a couple of quams.

Speaker 1 Okay. Go ahead.
I think that have happened. A couple of Guams.
Paula, duels.

Speaker 1 What? Is Quam a word? Yeah, Quam. Yeah, you're right.
A couple of Quams. Okay.

Speaker 1 Number one, I went to the In-N-Out, and my number was 27, right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 they called number 90.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I fucking hate when they do that shit. You know, and I'm sitting with it.
I'm like, 27. I already, because I heard one,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? Maybe 30 minutes ago. 24? Yeah, yeah.
Now it's 90. 486.
Yeah. I fucking.
So I walk up to them and I, and it's also at In-N-Out.

Speaker 1 If you, if you're not from California, you don't have an In-N-Out there. They have two things.

Speaker 1 Yeah. A single hamburger or double hamburger or fries.
There's no onion ring. That's all they have.
Yeah. That's what they're making.
Right. So it's like, I'm like, hey, I finally went up there.

Speaker 1 I had the courage. You know, I had the courage to do it.
The balls. Yeah, and I go,

Speaker 1 you're at 90, and I'm 27. I just got a double cheeseburger, right? And they're like, it's coming.
Meanwhile, 90 is the same thing

Speaker 1 as what I got. Just take 90.
So I go, can I get 90? They're no. And then they talk to the manager.

Speaker 1 Oh, we got to remake it. We don't know what happened.
You didn't make it in the first place. It got to 109,

Speaker 1 and I finally got it. 27 was sitting that long.
You got passed by everybody. Yes.
I was there for an hour. Okay, so that's my number one qualm.
So wait, do you have something to say to In-N Out?

Speaker 1 Go ahead and say it to your camera and tell them. I'm just saying, you know,

Speaker 1 listen, you don't make a lot of shit. So if, how about this? After 20 numbers pass, right?

Speaker 1 If I'm, you know what I mean,

Speaker 1 the guy waiting, I should just be able to grab the next thing that whatever's there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 In fact, I think In-N-Out, If they wanted to make it more efficient, because they just make burgers and fries,

Speaker 1 they should just keep making them and people just come up and and grab whatever they need. Just pay and grab what you need.
But you need a ticket. Why? Fuck it.
At some point. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Just pay, grab what you need. I know what to do.

Speaker 1 That's good. Pay and grab it and go.
What you do is charge one whole, one round number, 20 bucks. Because you can never eat $20 of In-N-Out on your own.

Speaker 1 To get in the building, you have to pay $20. And then have as much as you want.
You can get anything you want.

Speaker 1 That's amazing. Yeah, but it would be a free-for-all because all of a sudden some fat guy comes in.
It's a free-for-all. Yeah, but let him.

Speaker 1 But by the way. Oh, we would stand back.

Speaker 1 We'd have a fat section oh there's different divisions no but i think they should i in n-out should really what if you did 20 bucks because what is an average meal at in and out eight dollars twelve dollars ten dollars yeah so twenty bucks is way more than you would spend but i'd pay 20 bucks just to just be able to grab stuff and go that'd be great wow yeah but people would fight over like one comes and they'll you between what happens if if i touch it first there's a if i touch it first there's a bouncer at the door And we're only letting in so many people at a time.

Speaker 1 So it's not chaos. Yeah, yeah.
You regulate how many people get in. Right.
Is this good, Rudy? Would you do this? Yeah. You do that, right?

Speaker 1 Can I be like one of the securities, and if they don't follow, I can just hurt them? Yeah, you better believe it. Of course.
You better believe it. Knives as well.

Speaker 1 You're good at knife play.

Speaker 1 Here's my second qualm.

Speaker 1 And I don't know. I'm not going to name the person.
Please.

Speaker 1 All right, I can't. Please.
I was at the improv last night.

Speaker 1 It's a comedy club in Hollywood. You were at the store before, right, didn't I see you? I didn't have a spot at the store.
Oh. Yeah.
Two nights ago. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I was at the improv, and I'm closing out the show.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 The woman before me, who was a friend, did 40 minutes.

Speaker 1 She was supposed to do 15. I know who it was.
And I went up to the manager, who I love.

Speaker 1 By the way, if you go to the improv, you go down the hallway, there's two pretty good photos of me and Andrew side by side. They put us together.
It actually warmed my fucking heart.

Speaker 1 Right in the hallway, we're together. And you know, when I first moved to LA and I went to the improv, they wouldn't even let me in that club.
Same.

Speaker 1 And it's really cool to see in the main hallway our photo. I know, I love it.
Colorize. It's great.
So, wait a minute. So, you knew you knew this person was dropping in, or no? She was on the lineup.

Speaker 1 Oh, she was? Yes. Wow.
Right. So fucking mean.
So I walked up to the manager and I, and I just, and I'm trying to, see, here's the deal.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to be cool, mindful, and grown up about situations because before I would have made a stink. You would have freaked the fuck out of the fuck out.
Freaked the fuck out.

Speaker 1 But now I'm going, calm down. Let's do this just like as a normal human being.
Sure. Right.
No revenge.

Speaker 1 I love revenge. Koreans love revenge.
I know, but you're also storing it up a little bit. No.
I walked up to Rita. Did you let this go? No, I went to Rita and I go, hello.
She's like, hi. I go,

Speaker 1 what is the, when can I leave?

Speaker 1 I mean, how long do you wait until a comic goes, all right, I can't wait any longer? I think, okay, look, the spots are 15 minutes. Yes.

Speaker 1 I think if you've done two spots, if you've done 30 minutes, minutes,

Speaker 1 I'm going to go home. Right.
I'm going to go home. And you waited 40 minutes.
Yeah. That's a long time.
Like 35 minutes. Yeah, you're over.
I think 30 is the cutoff.

Speaker 1 If you double the spot, then I'm going to leave. Right.
And she's like, please don't go.

Speaker 1 Right. And so I stayed.
You're very sweet. Right.
But then this is what I did. And I don't know if this is healthy or not.
Right.

Speaker 1 My guess is no.

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Speaker 1 You can tell on stage, even though it was getting laughs, right?

Speaker 1 I would, you know what I mean? I would go back and

Speaker 1 make fun of the person. And make fun of the person.
Yeah, I think that's all fair. But in a hostile kind of way, which was getting laughs.
Like, what would you say?

Speaker 1 She was doing a thing where she was trying to improvise on stage, right? So she was, you know,

Speaker 1 walking up to everyone in the audience and going, what's your sign? What's your sign? Oh, you're up.

Speaker 1 And then someone would go, Pisces. And she would make the way they make fun of the way they would say it.

Speaker 1 And so when I went up on stage, every once in a while, in between jokes, I would go, what's your sign to people? Oh, that's funny. No, I think that's funny.

Speaker 1 And then just look at the crowd, like, like,

Speaker 1 so somebody was like, Aquarius, what do you say? No, they wouldn't. I would say, what's your sign? They would get automatically a laugh because they know what I was making fun of.

Speaker 1 Was that person still in the room? No, she had gone. Of course she did.
I'm making a joke. Right, right.
Yeah. So they don't even know you did it, and it's just funny.
And I think that's harmless.

Speaker 1 Well, now they know because I said it on this podcast. That person doesn't listen to this podcast.
That is true. I'll bet my fucking life.
I bet

Speaker 1 my life. No.
But

Speaker 1 so what I'm asking you, right, is what is the healthiest thing to do in in that situation? See, I think you handled it right. You waited, you spoke to the manager.
That was mature.

Speaker 1 You didn't freak out. And you said, hey, is it like, I kind of want to leave.
Yeah. Because this is not okay.
And that's healthy.

Speaker 1 And then when you got on stage, light ribbing in our world, I think is fucking totally kosher. I think that's okay.
You weren't being rude or mean. You were, you know what? It's an homage.

Speaker 1 You were just tipping the hat like, hey, remember that joke? That's, I'm doing that too, because obviously I don't know anything about science.

Speaker 1 Well, in the beginning, I was just like, one more time for her one-hour special. Funny.
Got to laugh, right? Funny the thing, you know what I mean? But in my heart, I was just like, you're just really

Speaker 1 kind of angry and kind of resentful. Okay, I'll tell you this.
It's coming out in a weird way. It doesn't sound angry.
Does that sound angry to you? No.

Speaker 1 If a comic goes too much time, and you don't know a lot about this, but if you're an audience member. And you see a comic do a lot of time, you know it's more than the other ones.

Speaker 1 You don't know the difference. No, listen.
A comic does more than the other ones.

Speaker 1 Let me try it. Okay.
A comic does more time than the other ones. And you're like, wow, this is a lot longer.
And then the next comic that gets on makes a few jokes about how long it was.

Speaker 1 Are you going to be like, why would he do that? Are you going to go, that's funny if it's funny? I would laugh. Yeah, you'd laugh.
Okay.

Speaker 1 She's a good barometer for almost everything. Have you done that?

Speaker 1 Made fun of the... The only time I've ever made fun of the comic before me is when they say something about me.
Ah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because, like, I told you, me and Maren do this thing every time he brings me on. Yeah.
Everybody fun of me when you bring me on. Yeah, but you're one of my best friends.
That's different. But

Speaker 1 if it's someone I know, but it's always sweet. I've never had a case where somebody said something fucked up and then I went up after and said something mean, but I have had something where

Speaker 1 a comic,

Speaker 1 I told you this that I had to.

Speaker 1 Tell me. Well, because I'm going to tell you another thing.

Speaker 1 I think I'm going to be throwing it. Maybe I've told it.
I played the United Center in Chicago with Rogan, and being back in Chicago was a big deal. It was huge.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And we were with another comedian and

Speaker 1 look, he had to go cold, which sucked. He had to open cold.
It was super fucking hard in an arena where they're still seating. And so he was kind of struggling through it.
He was trudging.

Speaker 1 And he was doing a good job to his credit. But it was still hard because they're talking.
They're sitting there getting beer and popcorn. And it's like fucking, it's an arena.
It's nuts.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 as he's getting off, they're slowly still settling in and chatting. And I'm like, well, what the fuck? What am I going to do? Now, because I have to do this uphill battle.
Fucking terrible.

Speaker 1 So I made a couple. I made a couple jokes about him, and they loved it.
And he was okay with it. Yeah.
Because it wasn't mean. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What were the jokes?

Speaker 1 Just throw one up.

Speaker 1 I was like,

Speaker 1 you know. No, I didn't say anything crass.
Okay.

Speaker 1 But he took it the right way because I needed to like use whatever. I said something about the last thing he said about me to bring me on

Speaker 1 because it was like I was in a fucking weird spot. Yeah.
Yeah, and your family there?

Speaker 1 Yes. And I felt bad, though.
That's always embarrassing.

Speaker 1 Immediately, I was like, fuck, if I don't say anything to piggyback what he said, I'm going to be another guy out there just kind of struggling to get their attention. Right.

Speaker 1 Because they're waiting for, they were waiting for fucking Rogan anyway. And then afterwards, afterwards,

Speaker 1 your family has to come. You did fine.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, I mean, no, I mean, the elements were against you, but I thought you, you know, I ended up doing good because of it.
So I will say, he kind of helped me.

Speaker 1 He did this thing, like helped my foot jump so I could. Okay, so let me ask you this.
Okay. This is a problem I had this weekend.
I don't think we've talked about about it, right?

Speaker 1 And I'm going to throw a name in. And you don't have to cut it out, right? Because it's not against him.
Okay.

Speaker 1 But so I'm at the store.

Speaker 1 And I think you know the problem.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why that look? Just go ahead.
All right, well. All right.
So I'm about to go up. You know, at my club that I started at.
It's your home club. It's my home club, right?

Speaker 1 And the manager manager walks up and she said um

Speaker 1 you're not going up right now

Speaker 1 and i go

Speaker 1 okay why perhaps may i say

Speaker 1 you know in in the most healthy way you know me very polite yeah perhaps may i say how why the circumstances why

Speaker 1 right and she says because um

Speaker 1 the z is going up yeah right

Speaker 1 let me say something about the zees okay very funny man sure Sure.

Speaker 1 I haven't really talked to him much in my life, but I don't know why. Every time I see him, we hug.
That's nice. It's a nice thing.
Yeah, it's nice. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And he's said really, his intros have always been really, like, really cool. That's nice.
Really nice. Yeah.
But I go, why?

Speaker 1 You would ask,

Speaker 1 do I have a say in it? And they go, nope.

Speaker 1 He just gets to go up it for you.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 So the rage comes up. Oh, yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 And then I have to pull over Mark Maron because Mark Maron. Well, he'll support any kind of rage.
Yeah, yeah. He loves rage.

Speaker 1 He lives in rage. Love.
Right. And I knew that once I said it, he would go off a little bit.
Right. So I needed to hear that.
Sure. It's support.
And he feeds into mine. I'm like, yeah, you're right.

Speaker 1 Like, that's what I mean.

Speaker 1 I shouldn't have done that. There's boundaries or whatever.

Speaker 1 And so I went to, I wrote a text to the Tanelic Rator and see if this is something that was adult-like. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I said, may I have a list of all the comedians that have the power

Speaker 1 to bump. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because two weeks before that, before Chris Rock did, you know, got slapped in the face. What? I don't know if you know.

Speaker 1 But, you know, Friday and Saturday, he bumped me twice, which I didn't have a problem with because it's

Speaker 1 Chris Rock. Right.

Speaker 1 Dave Chappelle, I don't have a problem with it, you know. And

Speaker 1 Bill Burr, I probably don't have a problem. There's just certain people I don't have a problem with.
Yeah, I think Bill's probably one of them. That's okay though.
Oh, that's okay. Right, right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's fucking huge. Huge.
I think because I don't have a relationship with Aziz. That's what it is.
I think that's what it is. That I might have.
He's also not a store guy.

Speaker 1 That's also

Speaker 1 another thing. You know what I mean? And I asked her, I never got the list.

Speaker 1 I never got the list. We should call her live on the show and ask what no.
I think we should. She would lose her mind.

Speaker 1 She'd have a panic attack. I know, but my point, though, is that don't you think that if all the clubs,

Speaker 1 I talked to Ornie Adams about it. If all the clubs had a list that said, here's people that can bump you.
They just, you know, Sarah Silverman, I mean, the list, right?

Speaker 1 So when it does happen, you know what I mean? I know I can refer to the list. Refer to the list.
Yeah, and I can go, Jimmy Walker is on the list.

Speaker 1 This can happen.

Speaker 1 It's numbered so that when they come up to you, they go, five is bumping you. And you go to the kitchen.
Right. And you look at five is five is bumping me.
Okay. I didn't know five is in town.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I didn't know Keratop was in town.
So, yeah, he has the ability. My point is, is this, is that I think that comedy clubs should have a list.
Because there are some names, right, that are

Speaker 1 on the border. Right.
You think Aziz is on the border. No, I

Speaker 1 not, he's done. Okay, I'm going to say this.
Here's what it is. Aziz is funnier than I am.

Speaker 1 He's done more in the business, and he has more of a prestigious

Speaker 1 vibe about him. You know what I mean? Okay.
I really believe that.

Speaker 1 I thought his show on Netflix was amazing.

Speaker 1 I thought his stand-up is just more evolved than mine is. I just admit that.
He beat me up. What's so funny? Evolved stand-up? Come on.
Yeah, it's evolved. He does Randy.
I know.

Speaker 1 And then he, all right, George, let's not get on somebody's shit list here. Can you imagine?

Speaker 1 Fucking, you get a text from Aziz that's like, hey, what's up with that guy fucking shitting on me with the white hat on your show?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Um, so you know, what do you think?

Speaker 1 Look, I don't know him. I, in fact, have never, I don't know anything about him.
I genuinely don't. I've never seen him really.

Speaker 1 Like, I know his show. Yeah, I know he's a comedian.
I've never seen his specials. I've never seen a set, but I know him super well from parks, and you see him everywhere.
But I also think

Speaker 1 he is at a place where you're at a place where that club

Speaker 1 should not bump you for him.

Speaker 1 I feel like he knows. He recently did some favors for the club, right? Right.
Like our Bad Friends Netflix show that we're doing, Bad Friends and Friends. I don't even know when we're doing it.

Speaker 1 The Netflix is doing a comedy festival in L.A., and Andrew and I just agreed with it. We didn't want to do it at first.
I still don't want to do it.

Speaker 1 I don't either. Yeah.
But we're doing it

Speaker 1 for the club. So I felt like after I fucking did that, right, then these are.
Then you don't get bumped. You're on the no bump list.
At least for one time. On the no bump list.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Am I on the bump list?

Speaker 1 Would you be on the bump list? I get bumped still. I get bumped.
Oh, I'm on the bump. Yeah.
Being bumped. There should be another list.

Speaker 1 Who can get bumped? People that can get bumped. Yeah, yeah.
I'm on that list. I'm on that list.
I'm getting. I'm 80th, though.
I don't think I'm in the top.

Speaker 1 No, you're not one of the first guys to get bumped. Yeah, yeah.
But you're on the bump list. I'm definitely on the bump list.
And that being said, Daziz came through and was like, whoa, Bobby.

Speaker 1 And then he bumped you. Yeah, he saw you on the list.
He's on the bump list. Yeah.
He saw that you're somewhere on it, even though you're at the tail end of it. Yeah, so we should have

Speaker 1 a clear-cut list. I want people listening right now to see if I'm, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 On the list. Do you think Bobby? So that I'm like maybe exaggerating or acting like a little bitch about it.
What do you think?

Speaker 1 Carlos is begging.

Speaker 1 Honestly, Carlos is. There is one thing Bobby's leaving out of the story.
Because I was there with Bobby when this happened. Oh, yeah, that's right.
You were there. You were there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you were there. You were there.
You were there. You were there.
You were witnessing. You were there.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So comedy store management, maybe three minutes in, goes, Bobby, do you want me to go talk to Aziz?

Speaker 1 Like, they're about to handle the whole situation. And Bobby just yells out, no.

Speaker 1 Okay, well,

Speaker 1 this changes almost everybody. You're about to piss me off right now.
Why? Because,

Speaker 1 all right, so

Speaker 1 you're about to piss me off right now because she comes up to me. You were there, right? I I was there, yeah.
And she goes, I'm sorry, but Aziz is going to go up before you.

Speaker 1 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I had no option there, right?

Speaker 1 Until, and then I started making a stink a little bit. Wait, no, I...
Okay, go ahead. No, this is actually...
All right, go ahead. I see Aziz.

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 1 Toupe is really

Speaker 1 adding to your little arrogance here, man.

Speaker 1 Arrogance is just memory. All right, go ahead.
I'll just say this.

Speaker 1 Unbutton one more button just for, yeah.

Speaker 1 Aziz walks into the OR, and I know Bobby's up next. And I look at Bobby to my left, and I go

Speaker 1 like that, right? Before I even turn back around to Bobby, he's already in the parking lot, pissed.

Speaker 1 Because I already know what's gonna happen. I know, but he's saying you they gave you an out.
No, they didn't. That's not true, Carlos.
Okay, I go to the parking lot after that, right?

Speaker 1 Because you do this fucking mime. It wasn't, it was like this.
Yeah, like you're in an airplane. You're an airport.
Like, let's start this war.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Was your toupee on last night?

Speaker 1 It wasn't on the bottom. No, it wasn't on.
And

Speaker 1 when you did this, right?

Speaker 1 When I looked at the situation, I knew what was about to happen. Right.
You just kind of know. You have a gut feeling about it, right?

Speaker 1 So instead of like, you know, raging out or just being, you know, because I'm also a kiss ass.

Speaker 1 So like he was doing this. Iziza would look at me.
I'd be like, I would smile at him. Hey, Aziz.
Hi. Big fan.
Big fan. Right.
I go to the parking lot.

Speaker 1 Then Jean comes up to me and says, this is going to happen. Right.
Then she walks away. Right.
And now I'm calling in everyone. Asking for the list.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 People who...

Speaker 1 Yeah, were you there?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you were all about the list. Yeah, I was all about the list.

Speaker 1 Because I thought it was a clever idea. It is.
You know what I mean? I go, ta-da!

Speaker 1 We should have a list. We should have a list.
Yeah, right. And then she comes back and she goes, because I feel like you or Esther, because Esther was there too, went and said something to her.

Speaker 1 Because Esther kept saying, she kept saying, I want to say something. Why? Because she was going to get bumped too.
No, she had already gone up. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But she was actually trying to defend my honor or whatever.

Speaker 1 Was she stoned? Who does she think she is? Probably. I know.

Speaker 1 Didn't she say that? Yeah, I think she did go up and talk to someone. Yeah, so then Jen comes back to me and she's like, do you want me to go stop this?

Speaker 1 But now imagine this, right? He is not already told that he's about to go up, right? Now Jen's going to come back and goes, Bobby's making a stink. I didn't want that.

Speaker 1 I don't think she would say it that way.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think it would have just been like. Regardless, I'm trying to think on the spot here, baby.
Well, can I tell you what you should have done in retrospect? Okay, go ahead. For the future? Yeah.

Speaker 1 When they go, he's going to go be like, he can't. I have to go because I've got a thing tonight that I have to go to.

Speaker 1 I don't have any more time. That's lying.

Speaker 1 And? That's true. Yeah, lie.
So fuck, who gives a shit? Just go, I have to go to a thing. Or

Speaker 1 can this be a thing? Just be honest. Go, no, I don't feel comfortable with that.
Right.

Speaker 1 Because I have a spot at 10, and I'm going up at 10. That's my spot.

Speaker 1 I wanted that to be my spot. No, it's just the way it is.

Speaker 1 I'm up at 10, and that should be the case.

Speaker 1 And now, you can argue about the validity of who's more famous or who has more power and all that stuff. I'm willing to get into that conversation.

Speaker 1 But wielding power is something we're trying to get rid of in Hollywood, aren't we? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, and I also want to defend. Can I just defend this? Interesting, isn't it? I want to defend this too.
Okay.

Speaker 1 When Sebastian Monascalco calls in, he calls in like everyone else. He does.
Right. And he gets a spot.
He does. With his name on.
Right.

Speaker 1 Now, there are some comics, right, that don't want to be advertised, but they still want to get a spot so they don't bump people. So they go in with a pseudonym.
Right. Right? Mary Jones.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a a different name.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 And then.

Speaker 1 Sakamano. But then some comics decide to just show up.
It's interesting. Yeah, it's interesting.

Speaker 1 And do you think, Bobby, given your meteoric rise that you're having as a comedian and a performer, and because I think when you come off a reservation dogs, I think you'll be. Don't be sarcastic.

Speaker 1 I'm not.

Speaker 1 I think you're going to be able to bump. And will you bump one day? Because let's be honest.

Speaker 1 Do you think you're going to bump? No. You'll never bump.
George is nodding yes. You think I would?

Speaker 1 Oh, for sure. Come on.

Speaker 1 Look at this, bro. So you think you're not a bumper?

Speaker 1 Bro, George just really made me mad right now, and I'm trying to be mindful of it. Well, give it to him.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 You absolutely have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Hit him harder.
You fucking piece of white scumbag. Give it to him, shit.
Give it to him. And lay into the whiteboard.
You Nazi fuck.

Speaker 1 You Nazi fuck. More white stuff.

Speaker 1 You country redneck piece of fucking

Speaker 1 cat-turdred shitbox. More, more, more, more, more.

Speaker 1 Biggest family. Bigot, racist, bigot.
Yeah, bigot. Yeah.
Scumbag. Yeah.
You guys are just like living fucking shitbox. Plantation owners.
Plantation people. Keep going.
I don't want to.

Speaker 1 I feel like that's enough. No, that's enough.
That's enough.

Speaker 1 Uncircumcised. Uncircumcised.
That's one.

Speaker 1 Thank you for that. Double circumcised.
Double. You got rid of more skin? Okay.
I just

Speaker 1 fuck face. Listen to me.
Okay.

Speaker 1 The reason why Sebastian Monoscalco, right, calls in for a spot is because him and I grew up in the era of not just bumps, but people doing three hours, bumping and doing three hours before you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right. So I witnessed what it does, right? So I'm extremely sensitive about it.
Right. In fact, I've been in shows where I've went to see somebody and somebody went, hey, can you please go up?

Speaker 1 You know, when you're at a club and you're just there to hang out. I won't even go up.
Right. I won't even go up because I don't want to bump anybody.

Speaker 1 Have you ever bumped anybody? No, I haven't. So it's weird that you would even say that I would when there are circumstances where I fucking can do it.

Speaker 1 You feel better? Yeah. Good.
Would you?

Speaker 1 Bump people? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, but, well. Let me ask you this, a scenario.

Speaker 1 You're in La Jolla.

Speaker 1 You're there on a Sunday, right? What am I doing down there? You're there and you're skeet shooting. Oh, you know me.
I'm big skeet kids. Yeah, and that's a great squee community.

Speaker 1 Skeet ski community community. Ski, ski, ski, ski, ski community, right? Yeah.
And you pshh, during the day,

Speaker 1 the frisbees are going up. Right.
And you're

Speaker 1 pull. Yeah, yeah.
And I'm pulling. Yeah.
I'm there with you. Right.
And I'm just like, I hate this job. You know what I mean? Why do I have to do this? I don't even know how the machine is.

Speaker 1 Shut up, Wong, and pull.

Speaker 1 You know what, Bob? We have a podcast. Anyway, right.
And then afterwards, you're like, hey, let's work out at the store. It's open mic.
It's open mic. And I said to you, yeah, but

Speaker 1 we didn't call in, man.

Speaker 1 We don't want to bump the open mics.

Speaker 1 Would you or not?

Speaker 1 Be honest. If you and I were together, probably.
Me too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only because we're together.
Yeah, but that's a different scenario entirely. Right.
I see, I think it's different. That's a different scenario entirely.
Case by case.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's case by psychic case. It's case by case.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Jay, put up that thing I sent to you. Yeah, let me see this.
Look at this. It's great.

Speaker 1 It's Asian Whitney Cummings. So we've done a lot of stand-up talk on the podcast today, and let me show you something.

Speaker 1 A new star, look at me.

Speaker 1 A new star is about to break into stand-up. And let me tell you, I bet she's going to be bigger than Bill Burr, bigger than Chris Rock, bigger than Sebastian, bigger than Aziz.
I can't wait.

Speaker 1 She will be the biggest stand-up comic. I'm calling it right now.
Okay. Okay.
I can't wait. Let's do this announcement.
Comedy. Are you getting it to comedy?

Speaker 1 Are you a stand-up comedy or an actress,

Speaker 1 comedic actress? Well, I think I would really appreciate my voice in stand-up comedy, and I'm meeting with Howie Mandel tomorrow. You are?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you have a first show?

Speaker 1 Maybe in some of the festivals coming up. I'm not gonna let anything, I want it to be a surprise.
I want to have some fun with everyone.

Speaker 1 But I'm really blessed that I can get over my fear of people that I was having and now I can like really tackle that and like overcome it and be on stage. So that's like I'm just blessed to

Speaker 1 be able to do it. Do you have a set ready? Hold on.
Are you just riding it with Hallie Mandel?

Speaker 1 I'm gonna just keep it very teen mom, very mom.

Speaker 1 I am a mom like none other, so it's not too hard for me to have some fun and I have ADD, so you know i'm usually like the funny one and people make fun of me so it's just easy going you know i'm happy with it you're gonna maybe a little therapy through your experiences through comedic relief is everything that we need that's right what's your new career steps comedic relief is everything we need right now we don't need

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 we don't you know what this is my thing

Speaker 1 Ukraine and Russia, who gives a fuck? Who cares? We need comedic relief.

Speaker 1 Yeah, big fucking deal. So this is a woman named Farah Abraham.
She was on Teen Mom.

Speaker 1 She was a teen mom. She's notorious.
Also, she had a sex tape that went very viral with a guy named James Dean.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think.

Speaker 1 And there are some shots that we didn't need to show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was

Speaker 1 a good one. We just showed

Speaker 1 her open vagina.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But anyway, she. But funny.
Very funny. Very funny vagina.
Well, that's her big close up. Well, that's James Dean, but James Dean is the the name of the guy, right? I know who he is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was accused of sexual assault as well, right? On her, yeah. On her and other porn stars.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think it's kind of par for the course over there in that world. But not even in working, like he would have sex with people off-camera and do weird shit.

Speaker 1 Those guys probably think there's cameras all the time, you know? Maybe. But anyway, she's going to do stand-up comedy.

Speaker 1 I got to tell you, I'm calling it right now, calling it on my show, Pharah Abraham, Teen Mom, bigger than any of your favorite comedians right now. We'll be selling out arenas.
Mark my fucking words.

Speaker 1 I think we should put her on. On our show.
Our Netflix show. Let's have her do a set.
Bad friends and friends. And have her do a set.
I'm being real. So am I.
Yeah. But she has to follow us.

Speaker 1 I think it'd be tough for us to follow her. Yeah, so that's why I don't want to follow her.
Let's have her follow her. I want her to close the show.
Because of our insecurities.

Speaker 1 It's not a... The lineup's easy.
It's going to be me, you. Trevor Wallace, Fahim Anmar.
Brian Simpson. Brian Simpson.
Pretty light show. Hypothetical, Bobby.

Speaker 1 What if you went to the store next week, or let's say two weeks after she's had a little time and

Speaker 1 a hundred years ago? Okay, yeah, yeah. And Farah Abraham.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 The manager of the store comes up to you and says, Bobby,

Speaker 1 Teen Mom,

Speaker 1 you just got the news.

Speaker 1 That's what I would do. I'd be like, woo.
Oh, you're excited, like you're cheering around.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're about to die. I feel like I'm going to die.

Speaker 1 When you die, you're howling like a dog.

Speaker 1 So your last days. Do you know who that is, by the way? Teen Mom, the girl from Teen Mom.
Did you ever know that show? It was an MTV show.

Speaker 1 Honestly, if I hadn't seen the video and they said Sarah Abraham's going to bump you, I would go. Pharah.
What is her name? Pharah. Farah Abraham.
Am I wrong? Isn't it Pharah? Pharah. Pharah.

Speaker 1 Pharaoh Abraham's going to barrack.

Speaker 1 Honestly, I would say, in this way.

Speaker 1 She was a teen mom star, and she did

Speaker 1 a sex porn tape with James Dean or whatever. How many many followers does she have on Instagram?

Speaker 1 Because you did say if the comic is more famous than you, you do kind of make way for them a little bit.

Speaker 1 All right. So Farah Abraham.
I'm here to say that. I'm going to go to 2.9 million.
What is it? 2.9 million. Bobby, Bobby.

Speaker 1 You don't even have a million. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What I would say. Say no, man.
You know what I would say? Go ahead. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 I really want to call Howie Mendel right now. Call him up.
And go,

Speaker 1 are you really going to help her to stand up? Call him up and let's see. See what he says.
Tell him on the podcast. I don't want to,

Speaker 1 you know, I don't want to be intrusive. Just go, hey, we're interested to know what the story is with this girl.
She said she's meeting with you. Was it a lie?

Speaker 1 Maybe she, oh, look, click on that right there. There he is on TikTok talking to her.
Okay, let's see. What did he say? Stand-up comedy before? You announced you want to go into stand-up comedy.

Speaker 1 I did it for five minutes. He wanted to see the reaction, and basically he recorded it, and he saw that it was like women standing up, cheering me on, like men laughing.

Speaker 1 So I was like, even if I fail at comedy, I could be really good at TED Talks. So either way, it's either stand-up comedy or a TED Talk.
Let's get it.

Speaker 1 I'd rather her do stand-up comedy. Imagine going to a TED Talk.
I actually would love to see a TED Talk.

Speaker 1 You wear dressed nice. You and I wearing suits to her TED Talk? Yeah, yeah.
We're wearing

Speaker 1 it. We sit there, right? And she comes up.
What's the TED Talk about?

Speaker 1 This is how you suck, dick.

Speaker 1 I mean, what is it? What is it? I mean, you know what I mean? I will be honest and say she does know a little bit about that. I know she does.
Yeah. And this is a Did I watch the porn tape? Did you?

Speaker 1 You better believe it.

Speaker 1 You guys watched. You know, Carlos saw it, without a doubt.
I didn't see it.

Speaker 1 Okay, Carlos. Fuck off.
Yeah. Yeah, you know, George saw it.
Look at him. You did, didn't you? Oh, of course.
Yeah. Faith thing on the internet.

Speaker 1 As soon as you hear something's on the internet, you want to see it. But

Speaker 1 what if she does become one of the funniest people? No, no, no. She will.
I called it. She will be the biggest stand-up comic in our game, without a doubt.
And she, and then she deserves it.

Speaker 1 And I, by the way, I can't wait till she bumps us. Yeah.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Play it. All with Sarah Abraham tips, tricks, and acronyms for those with disabilities like ADHD.

Speaker 1 She's putting on headphones.

Speaker 1 Study law. Oh, she's going to be a lawyer.

Speaker 1 That was 18 weeks ago, though. So she switched to the lawyer.
She probably isn't a lawyer anymore. No, she probably has her degree now.
She's already got her bar. She's past the bar.

Speaker 1 She started past the bar. Now, you know, I'm not going to make fun of this girl in the law world because I don't don't know her intellectual level.

Speaker 1 I know she could be very, very book smart and good at that. However, it does seem like kind of a trend that if you make a sex tape like Kim Kardashian, you've got to study law at some point.

Speaker 1 If you get fucked on camera and it goes viral, you got to study some law. I think it's a way to let people think that they are smart.
Maybe she is very smart.

Speaker 1 I know, but it just seems like just a reaction, like because people get people... People go, you're dumb.
You do a sex tape. And she's like, I'll show you.
Yeah, I'll pass the bar, yeah.

Speaker 1 But then they'll go to like Amazon, get a book, Bob's Law Class, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right off the 101. Yeah, well, you know what?

Speaker 1 California's bar exam may be largely perceived as the hardest one in the nation. Some other states may pose similar difficulty, but Arkansas also has two groups, a grueling two-day test.

Speaker 1 Would not have predicted Arkansas for sure for having a tough one. It requires you to know several state and local laws, addition to federal ones.

Speaker 1 So, dude, if she passes the bar here, didn't Kardashian pass it here? I don't think she's passed yet. Let's ask.
Ask Ask Jeeves.

Speaker 1 We're sponsored by Ask Jeeves now. Has Kim Kardashian passed the bar?

Speaker 1 It's in the baby bar. Reality star Kim Kardashian has passed the baby bar.
Required would be California laws. Look at that.
Well, her dad was a lawyer. Right.
And her dad was O.J.'s lawyer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know, but that doesn't. That's good.
That's hereditary. It's in the jeans, baby.
Law's in the jeans. Law.
It's in the genes. Well, it's like...

Speaker 1 I just think that there had... The intellect must be.
She must.

Speaker 1 Also, listen. Okay, so like I said, Farah Abraham, lawyer and crushing stand-up comedian.
No. What does Farah Abraham's parents do?

Speaker 1 Her dad was a stand-up. No.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jimmy Abraham? Bobby Abraham. Oh, Bobby Abraham.
Yeah. He's famous.
What does Farah's mom, Deborah Danelson, do? She's a telecom consultant with a company in Nebraska. Pretty good.
Pretty good.

Speaker 1 And the dad works for an infrastructure solutions and security solutions. I bet she could pass the fucking bar.
She could, possibly. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, right.

Speaker 1 And you know what transfers well in comedy? Intelligence. She's smart.
She's going to kill in comedy. All right.
Mark my fucking words, pal. Okay.
But I would like to say, make a bet for you.

Speaker 1 Let's make a bet. I'll give her a five-year window.
Five years. Yeah.
That she becomes a regular at any club. She's not going to do it in five years.

Speaker 1 She's going to get in for a year, kill, and leave on top. All right, so what you're saying is that within a year, right,

Speaker 1 at the improv laugh actor comedy show, she will be a bona fide regular. You name it.
All right, so one year. $1,000.

Speaker 1 $1,000. She'll be the biggest name on all the lineups.
Okay. Killing it.
All right. You guys saw it? And I'll be texting you.
Bob, do you want to go watch Pharaoh's new 10? She's got a tight 10.

Speaker 1 And you'll be rolling up to the store to watch.

Speaker 1 What do you think, Rudy Jules? Am I right on the money?

Speaker 1 Is she like Ally Wong? Her comedy,

Speaker 1 or is it just back up here?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Stop. Stop.
We just have to absorb it because that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. You know why? Yeah, I'm not sure.
Because

Speaker 1 she's so funny.

Speaker 1 Pharaoh Abraham is...

Speaker 1 When I say a thousand times funnier than Allie Wong will ever be. Pharaoh Abraham, in my mind, is already

Speaker 1 a fucking shooting star. Can we see her comedy?

Speaker 1 You're not ready for it. Let me say this.
Yeah. I love Allie.
Good friend of mine. Phenomenal joke writer.
Couldn't touch Pharaoh Abraham. Couldn't even come close.
And you know it's true.

Speaker 1 I think I'm a believer now.

Speaker 1 I think I'm a believer now. Because you said it.
I converted you. I just lost it to Grant.
Grand's gone, baby. Ven moment, please.
All right. Look, we had so much fun in Austin.

Speaker 1 I had a great time in Dallas. Thank you guys for coming out and seeing us.
But check out our show at the main room at the comedy store.

Speaker 1 So we're going to do a show at the main room at the comedy store. Do we know the date? We've got to figure that out.
It's sometime. Are you doing another show with Netflix? No, that's it.

Speaker 1 I'm doing May 7th downtown the Palace Theater. May 7th, I'm doing my new, well, I'm doing an hour downtown, May 7th in L.A.
So, if you're in LA and you don't come, thanks a lot, is how I feel.

Speaker 1 And if this works this weekend and you do well, we're hitting the road. Do well? Yeah, we're hitting the road.
In the fall, we're going to be hitting the road. Bad Friends tour featuring Rudy Jules.

Speaker 1 What am I going to do? Stand up. Stand up.

Speaker 1 You know you're doing time in Austin. No.

Speaker 1 You didn't say anything.

Speaker 1 I didn't want to tell you, but you are. You are.
It's only 1,700 people, so. It's not that big of a deal.
It's not that big of a deal. Just 10 minutes.

Speaker 1 What? 15 is fine. Pharaoh Abraham wouldn't bat an eye.
She would do it. Yeah.
But I'm not like her. Yes, you are.

Speaker 1 You're exactly like her.

Speaker 1 You're exactly like her.

Speaker 1 Can I just do one minute?

Speaker 1 Three. Three minutes.
Three is good. We'll write it for you.
Yeah, we'll write it for you. Three minutes.
Like we did last time. But what if they boo? They won't.

Speaker 1 They're going to boo. No, they're not.
They're not going to boo. It's going to be completely silent.
And look,

Speaker 1 even if they do, does this hurt your feelings? Boo!

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think boo is better than silent. Oh, so you're going to be sorry.
Okay, so you want the booze.

Speaker 1 So you should walk out and go, I'm going to tell some new jokes. I'm brand new to this.
And if you don't like them, just boo me.

Speaker 1 What if she's on stage? It's so silent, right? Then she starts to cry, but you can hear the tear. That's how quiet it is.
And the tear goes, boo.

Speaker 1 You're going to be great.

Speaker 1 All right. Thank the fans, and let's get out of here.
Okay. Thank you for being a bad friend.