Teen Mom Bumps Bobby

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome my best buddy, my best little tiny niece.
Look at her. What's wrong with you? She's like a depressed pill bug.
I'm scared. Of what? Tomorrow.
Oh my God. Because we're going to Austin, Texas.
This will have aired already when we've gotten back. Yeah, I know, but we can still express our feelings and our fears.
And you know what? You shouldn't be scared. Did you? Bobby was panicking in the car.
Were you? No, I wasn't. What was I doing in the car? He was like breathing really fast, and then he was like, we're tomorrow We are gonna bomb Yeah we are gonna bomb But that's okay That's okay And here's why it's okay We'll be together Our whole family Did I say that in the car? We're gonna bomb together It's gonna be you, me, Bob, and Fancy If you were alone on the Titanic By yourself It'd be scary So scary But with us So fun Not fun but we'll drown together Well it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd make some jokes on the way down.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd be like, I bet you that fat guy's gonna float.
I know. You'd make a few cracks.
You and I, though, you know what? Here's the fight, though. We're, like, in the second deck.
The whole boat is submerged. You and me are in the bottom of the boat.
Yeah, the bottom, because we're working there. Yeah, we just got up to the third deck.
But you know how there's always that like little gap of air that people try to,

yeah,

yeah.

You and I will fight

for that little tiny gap of air.

We'll headbutt each other.

But then we'll end up kissing

and survive on each other's breath.

Wait,

there's us on the boat

right there.

That's us.

That's us.

There's Bobby on the right.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

Yeah,

that's,

yeah,

what are you?

They're not even on there.

There's four Asians

that died in the Titanic.

Wait,

was there any Irish people that died on the Titanic? Bro, that's where the scum, they were the scum on the boat. Have you ever seen the movie Titanic? Yes.
Did you see any Asians in that fucking movie? No. Those four guys were never represented.
Why did they not represent them? We should make another Titanic too. Let's make our version.
Me, who else should be in it? There's some ugly Asians there. Is that after they drowned? That looks like after they drowned.
That guy on the right looks like he has barnacles on his face. Like from the bottom of the boat.
Got stuck to his head on the way down. And the guy next to the guy on the far right.
You know what that thing on his head is on the right? A shiitake mushroom. They grow on them now? No, they don't grow.
But that's what they use when they do the walk. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
The guy to the left, the guy to left him looks a little, a little Yakuza. You know what I mean? He was there to kill somebody.
A little Yakuza. Yeah.
Yeah. What's the guy in the second? He's the money guy.
No, that's obviously the money guy. Yeah.
Yeah. And the guy in the far left is, he is actually, this guy in the far left, he's the most debonair.
That was their version of like, the handsome guy they sent out out like that's their james that's their james bone what if that was like um they're like the asian rat pack this is a show they were doing a show at the bottom you know what i mean how would that sound like you know what's the song that they would sing well new the rat pack yeah yeah sing new york new york i don't know the song that's the problem i'll just say new York New York New York we never been there but New York you New York. I don't know the song.
That's the problem. I'll just say New York, New York over now.
New York, New York. We've never been there, but New York.
You're right. And then...
Concrete jungle where dreams are made up. Look at this.
Start spreading the news. I'm leaving today.
Hey, Chang, I think there's water beneath the feet. Keep going.
Keep going. I want to be a part of New York.

New York.

Oh, my legs are wet.

I don't know why.

Maybe you're so nervous you're peeing yourself.

You mean?

These poor bastards.

These poor bastards.

Show me the Irish men that died on the boat.

These scumbags.

What were they doing there?

These potato fucking losers.

They were definitely in the bottom of the Irish that died on the Titanic.

One guy. Here's one guy.
One dude. It's a whole family look at that there they all go there they are oh that's me on the top right look at me in the top right yeah it's just so angry look at all most look as open mouth breathers look at how dumb these people were yeah yeah can you imagine going down do you ever get scared of boats no because i can swim okay.
If you're in the middle of the fucking ocean, you can't swim. In a pool, yeah, you can swim.
Yeah, but I can just float. Oh, you think you float? You float.
You do. Listen, so what you're saying to me right now, Jules, is that in the Titanic, you're down there.
You're the manager of the Rat Pack, the Asian Rat Pack. I'd probably just die because it's so cold, so it doesn't matter.
That's right. Bingo.
Yeah, you'd die for sure. You'd be dead for sure.
I want to tell you something. What? Did I talk about this on this show? That I watched my favorite documentary.
I watched it again, Some Place Like Heaven, about old people in Florida. Amazing.
What's it called? A Place Like Heaven. I told you, Some Kind of heaven.
Way off. I talked about it on the show already.
Let me look at the cover. I think I've seen it before.
Give me the cover of the DVD. Absolutely beautiful.
Can I get the cover of the DVD? What the DVD looks like? Well, it's not a DVD. It's on Netflix.
Or it's on Hulu. Yeah.
Beautiful. About old people.
Yeah, I've seen that. It just reminded me that, you know, we're going to die and we might as well soak it up while we're alive because who knows how long we'll last.

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to end up

on one of those like...

Retirement communities?

Yeah, I just don't know why.

Imagine you and I together though,

how much fun we would have.

Bocce nights.

We get kicked out.

We would get kicked out.

We would totally get kicked out.

What would we do the late night?

We'd probably do the podcast.

We'd do old man podcasts late from an old Really old bad friends We'd change it Very old bad friends There you are right now That's not me man That's us on the podcast That's a native dude right And that's me in the background Well let's tell the audience Let's not kick around it Bobby is going to do How many episodes Are you doing you doing of Reservation Dogs? I'm doing two episodes of Reservation Dogs.

Why?

What's the character called?

Dr. Kang.

You're that?

You're playing another Asian doctor?

Yeah, I'm a doctor.

Dr. Kang.

Yeah, yeah.

Can you believe that they think

you could pass for a doctor?

He's striking to me.

What do you mean?

Give me one medical term. Okay, well, your metamorphosis is M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mamorphosized into a bigger tumor and we need to really get the scalpel and remove the mass that's inside your colon.
Are you in my insurance network? Because I feel like I have to make sure that... I don't know if you're...
That's not believable? Where did you go to medical school? I went to John Hopkins University. Bob Hopkins? Bob Hoskins.
Bob Hoskins? I went to Bob Hoskins. You went to Bob Hodgkins disease? Yeah, yeah.
Bob Hodgkins disease university. And we had a football team, the Hodgkin Hawks.
Oh, really? Yes. The Hodgkin Strokes.
Stroke Hawks. And we were in the second division.
Which one? Of the Football League. The second division? Of the American National College Football League.
Division two? Division two. We call it the second division.
Okay. Yeah.
So, you know, tit for tat. Tat for tat.
Yeah, and we won the conference. That's right.
We did. Who'd you guys play in the championship? The DeVry, you know, the DeVry mesmerizers.
Oh, because they're mesmerized. They mesmerize you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just talk you to death.
Right. You know who could pass for a little doctor? Yeah.
You could be a little doctor. No.
Yeah, you could. Okay, so I'm a patient, all right? Just really focused on the improv here and commit to it, all right? So I'm a doctor and I have- You're a patient.
Yeah, I have Lyme disease, right? And you have to explain to me what that is. So, hey, doc.
I'll be the nurse. Yeah.
Doctor? Yeah? This is Mr. Bob Lee.
As we spoke about before, all the vitals seem pretty normal, except for an unusually small epididymis. But everything else seems normal.
The gentleman, blood results came back that he has, of course, Lyme disease. And would you like to take it from here and tell him what's going on? Hi, Mr.
Lee. What's your name? I'm Dr.
Kuhn. Hello.
How are you? Good. Good start.
How's your day? Well, I have fucking Lyme disease. You don't know that yet.
You still don't know. You just said it.
To her. Oh, that's right.
But I overheard it? She walked in the room. Oh, that was in the hallway? Was that in the hallway? Yeah, you're on the table kicking your legs on the- Start over.
You don't have to do your monologue again. You come back in.
Come back in, right? Hello? Hi, Mr. Lee, how are you? Your name is? I'm Dr.
Q. How are you? I feel great.
This morning, my little boy, 12 years old, Ramon, got the home run at the softball game and hit an old lady in the eye. We don't know what's going to happen to her, but he did win a trophy and I'm very excited.

Okay.

Okay.

So you have Lyme disease.

Didn't hear a word you said about,

like didn't even acknowledge.

I didn't even register.

You were like,

we could have killed someone.

She's like,

okay.

Okay.

So you have Lyme disease.

Skipped right over it.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

You have Lyme disease.

Do you know what that is?

You don't have to be scared.

I don't. Because it seems like a serious thing.
I'll explain it to you. Okay.
Oh, sorry. My bad.
Don't be scared. Okay.
Okay. So it's just a stage three type of skin disease.
Lyme disease is a skin disease? Yeah. Okay.
Why are you asking the nurse? I'm the doctor. I know, but I saw a documentary about Lyme also know somebody that has it It's not a skin thing But anyway I might have a version I'm the doctor Why are you questioning Dr.
Kuhn? I'm not questioning you, I'm so sorry I had no idea that Lyme disease can go on the skin It's a. From a tick.
That's exactly right. That's, I know that.
That is true. Now I'm back on board.
Okay. I'm back on board, doctor.
What you have is stage three. I have a stage three skin Lyme disease.
Yeah, which means you're going to die in six months. Six months isn't bad.
Yeah. So tell your son congratulations.
Uh-huh. And.
Wait, why is he congratulating his son on his death Wait wait wait Fuck my son though What you're saying to me is that there's no treatment No Because well Because it's stage 3 How many stages are there doctor I'm still in medical school I don't know Stage 4 Stage 1, 2, 3, 4 So 4 you just die immediately There's a cure In stage 3 you die in 6 months What does stage 4 do? An hour and a half There's a cure though There's a cure but because You have You're. Oh, no.
Oh, no. Here it goes.
Here it goes. Here's the racism.
Here comes the racism. I knew there was racism involved in this.
What happens? Because I'm Asian. What happens? What's the color of a lime? A lime is green.
Green? Yeah. She thought a lime was yellow.
Yeah. She legitimately- Let her follow through.
I know. Let her follow through.
It's not bad. It's still good.
You're on the right track. A lime is green.
But aren't there yellow? Aren't there yellow lime? There are yellow lemons. Let me tell you something.
You're going to be green with envy when everyone else is alive and you're dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what's going on. I'm just that there's no cure for you.
Yeah, but what does the lime and the green have anything to do with it? Because you just mentioned it. He's about to cry again, Doc.
We just mentioned it. I'm just saying because you have yellow skin.
I have yellow skin and? It might be the same as the lime. Although lime is a green.
There's like yellow limes. Oh, they're yellow.
I didn't know. Can we have our assistant look up? Is there yellow limes? There are yellow limes Oh they're yellow I didn't know Can we have our assistant look up Is there yellow limes Google it please Just in case Just in case Because if that's true See There are See Wow the doctor's really excitable I mean You don't have to be a bully About your education Yeah yeah yeah I didn't know I didn't know.
Now I'm aware, but please don't shame me because I didn't know.

I just learned something new.

I'm also dying in six months.

He's dying in six months.

Yeah.

So since I have yellow skin and I didn't know that the fruit lime had anything to do with it. Because I thought lime disease was spelled L-Y-M-E.

Me too, actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And not L-I-M-E.

Well, it sounds the same, so it's fine. Okay.
Okay, that logic. Valid.
So there's nothing I can do because I have the same color of skin as a fucking lime. Yeah.
Now, Dr. since I'm in medical school, I'm just curious.
If I got it, being an orange person, would I survive? I think so. Okay.
But if he had orange disease.

Oh, no.

If I had orange.

Orange?

Yeah, orange disease.

Orange disease, right,

that he would die, right?

Hey, if you're going to die

in six months for real,

what is your six months like?

Oh, shit.

That'd be tough, man.

You want the real answer?

Yeah.

I'd probably have to, like,

really get my life in order. What do you mean by that? I would go to my accountant's house or office in Marina Del Rey.
His house is his office, but go ahead. That's true.
I do know that. I know you do.
I know you do. Okay.
So I would go to his house then, you fucking asshole. And he's a legit guy.
I would just sit there and go, let's just look at all my finances.

I have to do a living will here.

Oh.

Yeah.

So who gets what is the real question.

And who does get what?

I would go 50-50 with the house with Kalilah and my brother.

So they split the house?

Yeah. If they want to sell it or figure it out.
But she's in it. So then he's not living? He's got to move in with her now? No, I'm just saying that he's half owner.
He could, you know what I mean? My brother would get my car. Yeah, the new car.
Yeah. I would also split my money probably 60-40.
Your brother Kalilah. My mom and my brother.

But your mom,

does she need your money?

She can,

she's fine.

She's not gonna.

I know, but it's just like,

I can't die.

And then my mom being,

okay, what do I get?

Nothing,

because you're old.

Well, she is.

I know, but I know,

I gotta give her something.

Well, you would just lie.

Be like, no, no,

the accountant's gonna take care of you.

But then by the time she finds you,

you're dead and she doesn't know any better.

So my brother, probably.

Yeah, your brother. And Jules, you would probably get some shoes.
A little bit of shoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just a couple of golden geese. A couple of shoes.
What else? What would you want that I have that if I died? What would you want? Be real. Your PS5.
That's a big one. Fuck, man.
You got to give her that one. You got my PS5.
Or you could take that one with you. You know, people do get buried with stuff now yeah i want things buried so yeah i want a cat and a dog so a live one yeah they die with you they could eat my corpse yeah that makes sense i don't want it also formaldehyde i don't want any of that i want to be organic so you want to be in one of those body suits when i'm yeah i want open casket but organic right so nothing's preserved right i I just want people to see who I really have become.
Rotting away? Yes. All right.
So I just want chunks of skin, like, you know what I mean? Yeah. And just, and I want people, everyone has to look.
Oh, and it says must look as you walk in. You must look.
Check this out. A big arrow pointing down.
I'm going to have, who's a big guy that we know? Like famous? Yeah, it's a guy to be able to direct people's heads into the. Oh, strong.
Yeah, if they look away, I know who. That big dude that works at the store, you know, the guy, the grizzly big bear.
What's his name? Who? The K1. You know, there's that big grizzly dude.
What's his name? Merv? Yeah. Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Merv is a big guy, right? Big guy, yeah.
And maybe Guam. You know Guam at the store? You know Guam made out with Paul Abdul? Do you not know this story? I feel like this is his story to tell, but he's not going to be on the show to be able to tell it.
Why can't he be? Why can't Guam be on the show? I get it. You know why.
Yeah. Anyway.
There's a young lady present. Yeah, yeah.
Why? None of your business, pal. None of your business.
No, Guam is a guy that works at the store. He's a great dude.
Comic. He's from literally Guam.
I love him. He's great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This has happened.
I can't believe you don't know this story. Like a week and a half ago, Paula Abdul shows up to the comedy store.
Wasted. And I i mean wasted and she shows up with like three different girls and guam is the only person up at the front and he's like hey ladies are you do you guys are you coming into the show does guam represent i mean i represent recognize um paul abdul of course immediately but that's why he was like what are they doing out on the sidewalk like they were just hanging out drunk yeah and he he's like, are you guys coming into the show? And she's like, we want to watch comedy, but you know, like where should we go? And he's like, let me take care of you.
So he walks around to the back. I wish we could call him.
I don't have his number. He'll tell you this whole story.
Walks them around to the back. Okay.
Gets them a booth and makes a joke. Makes a joke and says, what do we want for breakfast tomorrow? Like as if they're all going to have a sleepover.
And she's loving it. Very funny.
Dude, she laughs, grabs his arm and pulls him close and is laughing, cracking up, loving it. Okay, I don't know if that's, is that funny but.
Let me tell you something. Okay.
He sits them down and he goes, let me get you guys a round of drinks. Gets them a round of drinks.
Great move. Dude, gets them a round of drinks.
Get ready. You always give the alcoholic more alcohol.
He puts the drinks down and she kisses him right in the mouth. But not make out.
No, kisses him on the lips, but get ready. Yeah.
Then he thinks she must be just goofing around. Yeah.
Walks away. Yeah.
Then when he comes back, she wants him around all the time. She's like, take me out here.
Guam is escorting Paul Abdul around the the comedy store and look at me in the face when i say

this kissed him no less than 10 times there are multiple witnesses multiple witnesses tongue kissing kiss all over the place just kissing kissing kissing kissing that's insane get ready it gets even better okay by the end of the night they're ready to go and she's getting in a car or whatever yeah he's flirting with her even more because now he's like shooting a shot yeah Yeah. And he's like, well, let me just get your number.

She gives him her number.

I am not making this up.

And he kisses her again in the car and all her friends are like, ooh.

And he's been texting with Paul Abdul.

Okay, can I say something?

This is 100% a true story.

And nothing against Guam.

I really like him.

Yeah.

How can we call him?

I really like him, right?

Yeah.

But it's like a story.

This is the story that I heard, Paige.

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I mean, it's not that much of a- He's a lovable dude.

He's a lovable dude.

Very funny.

He shot a shot.

But that's how shocking it is to me.

He's been texting with Paul Abdul.

Do you know Charlie Hill?

No.

Who's that?

So Charlie Hill was the only Native American stand-up comic, right?

Okay, so there he is. Is he the guy that cried in the trash commercial? No.
Bro, bro, bro. Yes.
If anyone, people listening are too young, right? Well, show a clip of that. In the 70s, was it? They did like a Don't Litter commercial.
Right. So it was a commercial.

You'd be watching cartoons.

And then all of a sudden you'd see a Native American man on a horse.

There he is.

You know what I mean?

On a cliff.

Right?

And he would see trash.

Well, cars would drive by and they would throw trash.

Look at this.

He's in a canoe.

He's canoeing down the LA River there after a strong rain And look at all that trash Yeah Pan out Look at all the boats and the oil Look at all the destruction that the white man has done That's all of it right there And I agree with all that by the way Look at that Mucking it up He can't even get to the shore. Oh, my God.
There's trash at the shore.

Trash at the shore.

Drags up his canoe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's me.

I've done that before.

I've literally done that before.

Oh, one. One tear.
One tear. Now, imagine Now imagine that guy Keep America beautiful The cab org Imagine that guy now Looking at LA now He would just be He would just Not one tear He would just be In a trauma By the way Can we go back And show real fast The amount of trash Inside of that fucking bag Who throws away Look at how much Fucking how much fucking trash.
Yeah, that's insane. Look at all that.
Yeah, why do you put a pumpkin inside a plastic bag? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's literally a pumpkin in there.
That's such a comical amount of trash. Can I just say this too? This is bullshit editing, right? It is bad.
Because the bag is empty. He threw out a bag That was obviously empty And then they throw down A gigantic So this is propaganda Once again Empty bag Nothing in there There's no orange There's nothing in there Right And then now cut to Editing Full huge Fucking bullshit CGI I think there's a dragon's head Yeah It's insane That's insane You don't know that You't know that.
You've never seen that campaign. No.
It was a big deal. And also, by the way, it worked.
It worked because it made people feel bad. And I think that was probably part of the inspiration for now.
Littering fines are huge when you litter. So Charlie Hill, right? God bless Charlie Hill.
That dude made love to the original Wonder Woman. Oh, what's her name? Linda Carter?

Is that right?

Yeah, Linda Carter.

That's a sad thing.

Oh, there you go.

Okay, so Rich made love to Linda Carter.

Not Rich.

Charlie Hill.

Rich Hill.

Charlie Hill.

Yeah.

Charlie Hunnam.

Charlie Hill was a stand-up comic.

Grant Hill.

Okay.

And his opening line was,

Hey, how are ya?

Hey, how are ya?

Fuck off. I swear to God, that was his opening line.
But he made love to Wonder Woman? Yeah. Would they date it or was it just a hookup? This is, honestly, dude, back in the 70s, right? Comedy was so hot, right? Yeah.
And you remember the comedy store, you could make, I'm not kidding you. If you did just the comedy store alone, and you played Westwood, Hollywood, San Diego, and Vegas, in just a year, you can make $250,000 a year.
Fuck you. Yeah, in the 70s, if you were doing stand-up.
That's like $10 million today. I know.
That's how hot comedy was. And if you just did stand-up on a Tuesday night, they just threw pussy at you.
Jesus. You know what I mean? And he was the only Native American and probably,

she probably watched that fucking commercial

with the fucking Native American crying.

And he was really good looking,

that guy, by the way.

Yeah, who?

That fucking Charlie Hill.

Yeah.

He's a good looking guy.

One of the nicest guys in the world.

I get that she would want to hook up with him.

It's no wonder she would want to hook up with him.

Look at that guy.

Beautiful head of hair, great body.

Yeah, back then.

Right?

Rudy says he's hot.

Yeah.

That's a hot guy.

I'm sure he killed. Yeah, but it's like, because I knew him when I started.
He was around stuff. Oh, my God.
One of the nicest guys in the world, man. Is he Is he gone? No When he died He died maybe Four or five years ago

And um

Right before he died

Uh oh

What?

Well what are you laughing?

I came and visited him

Where?

At the hospital

In Scripps

Oh yeah

And I had a bag

Full of trash

And I just

Just dumped it

And then Betty

Just starts slowly crying

Just dumped it

On his body

Bobby please no

No I didn't do that

I'm sorry. and I just just dumped it and then Betty just starts slowly crying just dumped it on his body Bobby please no no I didn't do that by the way you're gonna get cancelled off of the reservation dog show now we made so many Native American jokes I didn't make any we're kidding yeah yeah I didn't make any I didn't make any are you excited to go do that show in Oklahoma no less they shoot on a res huh yeah it what's amazing about that show is Kirk Fox yeah Kirk kirk's on it bill burr's on it uh burr's on it yeah oh fuck that's great maron's on it mark's on it yep no i'm kidding and um yeah what's great about it is that it's the all the whole writing staff is native everyone yeah the director is native good showrunners are native good yeah it native culture.
Yeah. And I'm glad that they hired a Korean guy.
You're literally, well, the reason why they did is because, you know, Sterling, the showrunner, he grew up on the reservations. And for some reason, all the doctors are Korean.
Really? Yeah. Why are the Korean doctors? I don't know why.
Maybe Koreans are lazier than the Chinese doctors I don't know what it is I mean there's Mahjong There Yeah You guys love gambling We do You love gambling Which Asian culture Loves gambling the most Chinese right Yeah the Chinese love it And they're good at it They're pretty good at it Cause I go to the casino And I see them They're fucking high rolling Big money the Chinese, the Chinese. Yeah.
I just don't like the Chinese dealers. Why? They're just so arrogant.
The attitude? When they win. Well, they also fucking- They're like, blackjack.
When they win. Not when they win.
They love to watch you lose. In your face, blackjack.
Right in your face. Yeah, yeah.
I don't like it. They love to take your fucking money whenever you lose and they always go, oh, mm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Too bad you know honestly every time we play a casino i still can't get over looking at carlos with hair did you not say anything to his new hair he saw it last night oh you saw they glue it to your head it's glued i have to put like a solvent on it it's that's glued to your scalp yeah it was like a? Yeah, it was like a professional.
Yeah, it's gonna stay on for two weeks.

Oh my God.

But I'm taking it off tonight.

Why?

Because I'm going to Texas tomorrow.

I don't want to.

I think it looks good.

Honestly, because you're doing the,

are you going to be on stage with us?

I mean, no, I'm just going to take pictures and stuff.

Right, right.

I think it'd be cool that you would have that

because they would be like,

because they know who you are some people

because you do trash tuses as well.

So it's like, I think it'd be funny just to have the fucking toupee. I like it without the hair.
Yeah, I feel like women like me natural and all the guys are like, keep the hair. Yeah, what do you think? I mean, first of all, I didn't know it was glued to your head.
I thought you could just take it off. Are you gonna just, would you style it? Can you style it? I can't, I could go get a haircut or something like that yeah i think it looks good though don't you i mean i feel like i don't believe bobby no i feel like i know i feel like because i've known you for a very long time okay and whatever your head's great you know what i mean but what i'm saying is that what i i can't believe that it looks realistic i don't know if it does really yeah because no it's because you're so used to looking at it, right? But if somebody didn't know you, you wouldn't know that that was a toupee, would you? He just looks more like a creep.
Really? And that balding fucking incel look that he had before is fine? Let me see. Pull it back and let's see what it looks like.
Oh, that looks weird. That doesn't look natural.
And it's glue. Yeah, it's glue.
Yeah, yeah. Like if I ripped it off.
It would hurt like hell. Yeah, I think like the hair I have would like be ripped off with it.
Yeah. I think that's what I would do though if I was balding.
What? Just do that vibe. I like that.
Because you could change it around. You could do like.
But I mean the glue part, that's like, you have to rip it off your fucking head? Yeah, well I have to get a Q- q-tip put solvent at the end and then slowly like put it into my head and then take it off like peel it off slowly oh fuck that yeah it's gonna be a long night i want to share with something with you that happened to me today in therapy i'd like to share something with you that happened to me as well go share first then no i'd love you to share first please share first. Please share first.
Please go ahead. I will.
Thank you. Next time I say I'm going to share something, don't double down and say you're going to share something.
Okay. That's what I...
Is that what you learned in therapy? That's what I learned in therapy. Sounds like you're really...
It's really hitting strides. So I have really...
Because you know I have the OCD thing and the obsess obsessive compulsive thing. So what I've been doing is, you know, I used to like touch doorknobs three times, touch Kalilah three times, you know, with my feet, you know, turn around in the movie theater, you know, you know all my little things.
Yeah, your cracks and ticks and this and that, right? So over the last three months, I've just weeded that out of life so if i if i touch a doorknob right i just go don't touch it again you leave it alone yeah and it passes the feeling really yeah and now it doesn't happen did you think if you didn't touch it someone would die you know that's a common thing people think like something's bad's gonna happen worse what die slowly would... Yeah, Lyme disease.
Oh, from six months. Yeah, the skin kind.
Stage three, I imagine. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Dr.
Kuhn. Yeah, Dr.
Kuhn told me. But yeah, something dreadful.
It's not a specific thing, but something bad is going to happen if I don't do this. Right.
And if I do do it, something good is going to happen. Right, like the world will be good again.

Yeah.

Like you're the butterfly effect.

Yeah, I'll get a Marvel movie.

We know that's not...

Anyway, so she's helped me audition for like three Marvel movies.

I never get them.

Never even call back.

Anyway, let's move on.

You're in Borderlands is a huge movie.

Yeah.

I mean, that's huge.

Is it not?

It might be.

But that's like a...

Isn't that from the world of...

Thank you. You're in Borderlands is a huge movie.
Yeah. I mean, that's huge.
Is it not? It might be. But that's like a, isn't that from the world of, it was a comic book though.
It's a video game. Oh, I thought it was a comic book.
Yeah. Anyway, so, but what my OCD has turned into is something very weird.
What? It's, if you look at my drawers in the kitchen, and she's seen the boxes.

I literally have, like, if you work, like, I have more sunflower seeds than you would see at a Walmart or something.

You're filling your drawers with sunflower seeds?

Not just filling them.

I have, like like store boxes.

Why?

I'm obsessed with it.

Are you chewing them all day long?

Yeah.

And so at night- Are you spitting them out

or are you chewing them whole?

Yeah, so I have jars next to my bed, right?

And I fill them with sunflower.

But the thing is,

there's so much salt in it

that it hurts my neck

so I can't sleep.

And I wake up super sick.

I feel sick.

You're eating enough sunflower seeds to hurt your neck?

Yeah.

Like, I don't even think that.

I think if we called them, they'd be like,

we've never heard of that before.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, because you know I had a glue thing.

I know, but glue, you weren't eating glue.

I know, but I was still obsessively doing it.

So it's the same version of why I'm doing it.

Can we get you back on glue?

No, I'm trying to weed out all that because they're all. But it sounds like you're supplementing one thing for another.
That's exactly why i'm doing it can we get you back on glue no it's no i'm trying to weed out all that because they're all but it sounds like you're supplementing one thing for another that's exactly what i'm doing well so so that's exactly what it is yeah yeah they're very healthy they've got look at that rich in nutrients sunflower seeds relatively high in calories these are the downsides yeah oh sprouted seeds stool blockages oh have you have you been able to poop? No. When was the last time you pooped?

Days.

You haven't pooped in days?

Yeah.

Well, let's get you a stool softener.

In fact, I was at the In-N-Out.

Oh, first of all, I went to the In-N-Out last night.

I have a couple of quams.

Well, there's a stool softener right there.

Yeah, yeah.

I have a couple of quams.

Okay.

Go ahead.

I have things that have happened.

A couple of quams?

Paul Abdul's quam?

Yeah.

What?

Is quam a word?

Yeah, quam.

Yeah, you're right.

A couple of quams.

Okay.

Number one, I went to the In- in and out and um my number was 27 right and they called number 90 yeah i fucking hate when they do that shit you know and i'm sitting with it i'm like 27 i already because i heard one you know i mean maybe 30 minutes ago 24 yeah yeah now it's 90 486 yeah i fucking so i walk up to them and i and it's also at in and out if you if you're not from california you don't have an in and out there they have two things yeah a single hamburger or a double hamburger or fries there's no onion ring that's all they have. That's what they're making, right? So it's like, I'm like, hey, I finally went up there.
I had the courage. I had the courage to do it.
The balls. Yeah, and I go, you're at 90, and I'm 27.
I just got a double cheeseburger, right? And they're like, it's coming.'re 90 is the same thing you mean as what i got just take 90 so i go can i get 90 they're no and then they then they talk to the manager this is that they're oh we got to remake it we don't know what happened you didn't make it in the first place it got to 109 and i finally got it 27 was sitting that long you got passed by everybody yes i was there for an Okay, so that's my number one qualm. So wait, do you have something to say to In-N-Out? Go ahead and say it to your camera and tell them.
I'm just saying, you know, listen, you don't make a lot of shit. So if, how about this? After 20 numbers pass, right? If I'm, you know what I mean, the guy waiting, I should just be able to grab the next thing that comes up.
Whatever's there. Yeah.
In fact, I think In-N-Out, if they wanted to make it more efficient, because they just make burgers and fries, they should just keep making them and people just come up and grab whatever they need. Just pay and grab what you need.
But you need a ticket. Why? Fuck it.
At some point, just pay, grab what you need. I know what to do.
That's good. Pay and grab it and go.
What you do is- Charge one round number, 20 bucks.

Because you can never eat $20 of In-N-Out on your own.

To get in the building, you have to pay $20.

And then have as much as you want.

You can get anything you want.

That's amazing.

Yeah, but it would be a free-for-all because all of a sudden some fat guy comes in.

It's a free-for-all.

Yeah, but let him-

By the way-

Oh, we would stand back.

We'd have a fat section.

Oh, there's different divisions.

No, but I think they should- In-N-Out should really- What if you did 20 bucks? Because what is an average meal at In-N-Out? $8? $12? $10? Yeah. So 20 bucks is way more than you would spend.
But I'd pay 20 bucks just to just be able to grab stuff and go. That'd be great.
Wow. Yeah, but people would fight over like one comes and what happens if, if I touch it first? If I touch it first? There's a bouncer at the door.
And we're only letting in so many people at a time. So it's not chaos.
You regulate how many people get in. Is this good, Rudy? Would you do this? Yeah.
You do that, right? Can I be like one of the securities and if they don't follow, I can just... Hurt them? Yeah, you better believe it.
Of course. You better believe it.
With the knives as well. You're good at knife play.
Here's my second qualm. And I don't know.
I'm not going to name the person. Please.
All right, I can't. Please.
I was at the improv last night. It's a comedy club in Hollywood.
You were at the store before, right? Didn't I see you? I didn't have a spot at the store. Oh, two nights ago.
Yeah. Anyway, I was at the improv, and I'm closing out the show.
Okay. The woman before me, who's a friend, did 40 minutes.
She was supposed to do 15. I know who it was.
And I went up to the manager, who I love. By the way, if you go to the improv, you go down the hallway, there's two pretty good photos of me and Andrew side by side.
They put us together. It actually warmed my fucking heart.
Right in the hallway, we're together. And you know, when I first moved to LA and I went to the improv, they wouldn't even let me in that club.
Same. And it's really cool to see in the main hallway, our photo.
I know, I love it. Colorized, it's great.
So wait a minute. So.
You knew this person was dropping in or no? She was on the lineup. Oh, she was? Yes.
Wow. Right, so I.
That's fucking mean. So I walked up to the manager and I just, and I'm trying to see, here's this deal.
I'm trying to be cool, mindful, and grown up about situations because before I would have made a stink. You would have freaked the fuck out.
I would have freaked the fuck out. But now I'm going, calm down.
Let's do this just like as a normal human being. Sure.
Right. No revenge.
I love revenge. Koreans love revenge.
I know, but you're also storing it up a little bit. No.
I walked up to the- You let this go. No, I went to Rita and I go, hello.
She's like, hi. I go, what is the- When can I leave? How long do you wait until a comic goes, all right, I can't wait i think i okay look the spots are 15 minutes yes i think if you've done two spots if you've done 30 minutes yeah i'm gonna go home right i'm gonna go home and you waited 40 minutes yeah that's a long time like 35 minutes yeah you're over i think 30 is the cutoff you if you double the spot then I'm gonna leave Right And she's like Please don't go

Right

And so I stayed

You're very sweet

Right

But then this is what I did

And I don't know

If this is healthy or not

Right

My guess is no

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And so when I went up on stage, every once in a while, in between jokes, I would go, what's your sign to people? Oh, that's funny. No, I think that's funny.
And then just look at the crowd like, like, what? So if somebody was like Aquarius, what do you say? No, they wouldn't. I would say, what's your sign? They would get automatically a laugh because they know what I was making fun of.
Was that person still in the room? No, she had gone.

Of course she did.

I'm making a joke.

Right, right.

Yeah.

So they don't even know you did it and it's just funny.

And I think that's harmless.

Well, now they know

because I said it on this podcast.

That person doesn't listen to this podcast.

That is true.

I'll bet my fucking bank account.

Yeah, I'll bet my life.

No.

But so what I'm asking you, right,

is what is the healthiest thing to do in that situation?

See, I think you handled it right.

You waited. You spoke to the manager.
That was mature. Yeah.
You didn't freak out. And you said, hey, is it like, I kind of want to leave because this is not okay.
And that's healthy. And then when you got on stage, light ribbing in our world, I think is fucking totally kosher.
I think that's okay. You weren't being rude or mean.
You were, you know what? It's an homage. You were just tipping the hat the hat like hey remember that joke that's i'm doing that too because obviously i don't know anything about science well in the beginning i was just like one more time for a one hour special funny gotta laugh right funny the thing you know i mean but in my heart i was just like you're just really kind of angry and kind of resentful okay tell you this.
And it's coming out in a weird way.

Doesn't sound angry?

Does that sound angry to you?

No.

If a comic goes too much time, and you don't know a lot about this, but if you're an audience

member and you see a comic do a lot of time, you know it's more than the other comic.

She doesn't know the difference.

No, listen.

A comic does more than the other.

She hates comedy clubs.

Let me try it.

Okay.

A comic does more time than the other ones.

And you're like, wow, this is a lot longer. Yeah.
And then the next comic that gets on makes a few jokes about how long it was is that good are you gonna be like why would he do that are you gonna go that's funny if it's funny i would laugh yeah you'd laugh okay she's a good barometer for almost everything have you done that made fun of the the only time i've ever made fun of the comic before me is when they say something about me. Ah.
Yeah.

Because like I told you, me and Maren do this thing every time he brings me on. Yeah.
Every time. You make fun of me when you bring me on.
Yeah, but you're one of my best friends. That's different.
That's true. But if it's someone I know, but it's always sweet.
I've never had a case where somebody said something fucked up and then I went up after and said something mean. but I have had something where a comic

I told you this

that I had to I went up after and said something mean. But I have had something where a comic,

I told you this, that I had to.

Tell me.

Well.

Because I'm going to tell you another thing.

I think I told, maybe I've told it.

I played the United Center in Chicago with Rogan

and being back in Chicago was big deal.

It was huge.

Yeah.

And we were with another comedian and look,

he had to go cold, which sucked. He had to open cold cold it was super fucking hard in an arena where they're still seating and so he was kind of struggling through it he was trudging like and he was doing a good job to his credit but like it was still hard because they're talking they're sitting they're getting beer and popcorn and it's like fucking it's an arena it's nuts and as he's getting off they're slowly still settling in and chatting and i'm like well what the fuck what am i gonna do now because i have to do this uphill battle fucking terrible so i made a i made a couple jokes about him and they loved it and he was okay with it yeah because it wasn't mean yeah what were the jokes just don't want that I was like

I was like Yeah. Because it wasn't mean.
Yeah. What were the jokes?

Just throw one out.

I was like, you know.

No, I didn't say anything crass.

Okay.

But he took it the right way because I needed to like use whatever. I said something about the last thing he said about me to bring me on.

Because it was like I was in a fucking weird spot.

Yeah.

Were you family there?

Yes. And I felt bad though.
That's always embarrassing. Immediately I was like, fuck, if I don spot.
Yeah. Were your family there? Yes.

And I felt bad, though.

That's always embarrassing.

Immediately, I was like, fuck, if I don't say anything to piggyback what he said, I'm

going to be another guy out there just kind of struggling to get their attention.

Right.

Because they were waiting for fucking Rogan anyway.

And then afterwards, your family has to come.

You did fine.

Ugh.

Yeah.

No.

I mean, the elements were against you, but I thought you-

I ended up doing good because of it.

So I will say, he kind of helped me.

He did this thing, like helped my foot jump so I could-

Okay.

So let me ask you this.

Okay.

I'm going to go a name in. You don't have to cut it out, right? Because it's not against him, okay? But so I'm at the store store I think you know the problem

go ahead

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

why

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why why why why why why why why why why why why And the manager walks up and she said, you're not going up right now.

And I go, okay, why?

Perhaps may I say.

In the most healthy way.

Very polite.

Yeah, perhaps may I say, why the circumstances?

Why?

And she says, because disease is going up. Yeah let me say something about Aziz okay very funny man sure I haven't really talked to him much in my life but I don't know why every time I see him we hug that's nice it's a nice thing yeah it's nice you know what I mean and he's said really his intros have always been really like really cool that's nice really nice yeah but I go why would you would ask do I have a say in it and they go nope he just gets to go up before you right so the rage comes up oh yeah right and then I have to pull over mark maron because mark maron well he'll support any kind of rage yeah yeah he loves rage he lives in rage love right and i knew that once i said it he would go off a little bit right so i needed to hear that sure it's support and he feeds into my i'm like yeah you're right like that's.
Like, that's what happened. You know what I mean? I shouldn't have done that.
There's boundaries or whatever, right? And so I went to, I wrote a text to the teleconerator. And see if this is something that was adult-like.
Okay. Okay.
I said, may I have a list of all the comedians that have the power to bump? Yeah. Because two weeks before that, before Chris Rock got slapped in the face.
What? I don't know if you know. But Friday and Saturday, he bumped me twice, which I didn't have a problem with because it's Chris Rock.
Dave Chappelle, I don't have a problem with it. Bill Burr,r I probably don't have a problem there's just certain people I don't have a problem with yeah I think Bill's probably one of them that's okay oh that's okay right he's fucking huge I think because I don't have a relationship with Aziz that's what it is I think that's what it is that I might have he's also not a store guy that's also another thing you know i mean and um i asked her i never got the list i never got the list we should call her live on the show and ask what no i think we should she would lose her mind she'd have a panic attack i know but my point though is is that don't you think that if all the clubs i talked i talked i talked to orney adams about it if all the clubs had a list that said here's people that can bump you they just you know sarah silverman i mean the list right so when it does happen you know i mean i know i can refer to the list refer to the list yeah and i can go jimmy walker is on the list this can happen you know it's numbered so that when they come up to you they go five's bumping you and you go to the kitchen.
Right. And you look at, oh, five is bumping me.

Okay.

I didn't know five was in town.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I didn't know Carrot Top was in town.

So yeah,

he has the ability.

My point is,

is this,

is that I think the comedy clubs

should have a list

because there are some names,

right?

That are,

um,

you're a little on the border.

Right.

You think Aziz is on the border.

No,

I,

not,

he's done. Okay.
I want to say this. Here's what it is.
Aziz, funnier than I am, he's done more in the business, and he has more of a prestigious vibe about him. You know what I mean? Okay.
I really believe that. I thought his show on Netflix was amazing.
I thought his stand-up is just more evolved than mine is. I'll just admit that.
He beat me up. What's so funny? Evolved stand-up? Come on.
Yeah, it's evolved. He does Randy.
I know. And then he, all right, George, let's not get on somebody's shit list here.
Can you imagine fucking you get a text from Aziz that's like, hey, what's up with that guy fucking shitting on me with a white hat your show yeah yeah um so you know what do you

think look i i don't know him i in fact have never i don't know anything about him i genuinely don't i've never seen him really like i know his show yeah i know he's a comedian i've never seen his specials i've never seen a set but i know him super well from parks and you see him everywhere but I also think

he is at a place

where you're at a place

where that club should not bump you for him he i feel like he knows recently did some favors for the club right right like our bad friends netflix show that we're doing bad friends and friends i don't even know when we're doing for the netflix the netflix is doing a comedy festival in la and andrew and i just agreed with it we didn't want to do it at first i still don't want to do it i don't either yeah but we're doing it i guess for the club so i felt like after i fucking did that right then these are then you don't get bumped you're on at least for one time on the no bump list yeah am i i'm on the bump list would you be on the bump list i get bumped still i get oh i'm on the bump yeah being there should be another list who can get people that can get bombed yeah i'm on that list i'm on. I'm getting bumped.
I'm 80th, though. I don't think I'm in the top.
No, you're not one of the first guys to get bumped. Yeah, yeah.
But you're on the bump list. Definitely on the bump list.
And that being said, Aziz came through and was like, whoa, Bobby. And then he bumped you.
He saw you on the list. He's on the bump list.
Yeah. He saw that you're somewhere on it, even though you're at the tail end of it.
Yeah. So we know, a clear-cut list.
I want people listening right now to see if I'm, you know what I mean? On the list, do you think Bobby? No, that I'm like maybe exaggerating or acting like a little bitch about it. What do you, Carlos is begging to say something.
Honestly, Carlos. There is one thing Bobby's leaving out of the story because I was there with Bobby when this happened.
Oh, yeah, that's right. You were there, you were there.
Yeah, you were there. You were there.
You were there. You were there.
Witnesses here. Yeah.
So comedy store management, maybe three minutes in, goes, Bobby, do you want me to go talk to Aziz? They're about to handle the whole situation and Bobby just yells out, no. Okay, well, this changes almost everything.
You're about to piss me off right now. Why? Keep going.
All right, so you're about to piss me off right now because she comes up to me. You were there, right? I was there, yeah.
And she goes, I'm sorry, but Aziz is going to go up before you, right? Yeah. And I had no option there, right? And then I started making a stink a little bit.
Wait, no. Okay, go ahead.
No, this is actually. All right, go ahead.
I see Aziz in Sorry walking into. You know what? The toupee is really adding to your little arrogance here, man.
And your bravery. It's not arrogance, it's just memory.
All right, go ahead. I'll just say this.
Carl, unbutton one more button just for, yeah. Aziz walks into the OR.
And I know Bobby's up next, and I look at Bobby to my left, and I go like that. Right.
Before I even turn back around to Bobby, he's already in the parking lot pissed. Because I already know what's going to happen.
I know, but he's saying they gave you an out. No, they didn't.
That's not true, Carlos. Okay.
I go to the parking lot after that, right? Because you fucking mime it was it was like this like you're in air like you're like let's start this war so um was your toupee on last night and when it wasn't no it wasn't and when you when you did this right when i looked at the situation i knew what was about to happen right you just kind of know You a gut feeling about it right so instead of like you know raging out or just being you know because I'm also a kiss ass so like he was doing this Aziz would look at me I'd be like I would smile at him hey Aziz hi big fan big fan right I go to the parking lot then Jan comes up to me right and says this is gonna happen right then she walks away right and now i'm calling in everyone asking for the list yeah of people who yeah were you there when i yeah you were all about the list yeah i was about the list yeah because it was i thought it was a clever idea it is yeah i mean i go ta-da we should have a list we should have a list yeah right and then she comes back and she goes because I feel like you or Esther because Esther was there too went and said something to her because Esther kept saying she kept saying I'm gonna say something why because she was gonna get bumped too no she was already had already gone up yeah but she was like trying trying to defend my honor or whatever she was she stoned who does she think she is probably i know i'm gonna say that yeah she i think she did go up and talk to someone yeah so then jen comes back to me it's like do you want me to go stop this but the the but now imagine this right he is not already told that he's about to go up right now jen's gonna come back and goes bobby's making a stink i didn't want that i don't think she would say it that way i think yeah i think it would have just been like regardless i'm trying to think on the spot here baby well can i tell you what you should have done in retrospect okay go ahead for the future yeah when they go about he's gonna go be like he can't i have to go because i've got an i've got a thing tonight that i have to go to i don't even i don't have any more time that's lying and that's true yeah lie so fuck who gives a shit tonight that I have to go to. I don't have any more time.
That's lying. And? That's true.
Yeah, lie. So fuck, who gives a shit? Yeah, yeah.
Just go, I have to go to a thing. Or can this be a thing? Just be honest.
Go, no, I don't feel comfortable with that. Right.
Because I have a spot at 10, and I'm going up at 10. That's my spot.
I wanted that to be my spot. No, it's just the way it is.

Yeah.

I'm up at 10, and that should be the case.

And now you can argue about the validity of who's more famous

or who has more power and all that stuff.

I'm willing to get into that conversation.

But wielding power is something we're trying to get rid of in Hollywood,

aren't we?

Yeah.

And I also want to defend, can I just defend this?

Interesting, isn't it?

I want to defend this too, okay?

When Sebastian Maniscalco calls in,

he calls in like everyone else.

He does.

Right?

And he gets a spot.

He does?

With his name on, right?

He does.

Now, there are some comics, right,

that don't want to be advertised,

but they still want to get a spot so they don't bump people. So they go in with a pseudonym.
Right. Right? Mary Jones.
Yeah, a different name. Mm-hmm.
Right? Bob Sarcomano. But then some comics decide to just show up.
It's interesting. Yeah, it's interesting.
and do you think Bobby given your meteoric rise that you're having as a comedian and a performer

and because I think

when you come off

a reservation dogs i think don't be sarcastic i'm not be goofy i think you're gonna be able to bump and will you bump one day because let's be honest do you think you're gonna bump no you'll never bump george is nodding yes you think i would oh for sure come on look at this bro you think you're not a bumper? Bro, George just really made me mad right now, and I'm trying to be mindful. Well, give it to him.
All right. You absolutely have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.
Hit him harder. You fucking piece of white scumbag piece of shit.
Give it to him, dude. Give it to him, and lay into the white stuff.
You Nazi fuck. More white stuff.
All right? You country redneck piece of fucking cat turd shitbox. More, more, more, more, more.
Bigot, bigot, racist, bigot. Yeah, bigot, yeah.
Stumbag. You guys are just like living fucking shitbox.
Plantation owner. Plantation people.
Keep going. I don't want to.
I feel so comfortable. It's enough.
No, that's enough. Uncircumcised.
Uncircumcised. That's one.
Thank you for that. Double circum double circumcised double you got rid of more skin okay you had that much skin hey fuck face listen to me okay the reason why Sebastian Monoscoco right calls in for a spot is because him and I grew up in the era of not just bumps but people doing three, bumping and doing three hours before you.
Yeah. Right? So I witnessed what it does, right? So I'm extremely sensitive about it, right? In fact, I've been in shows where I've went to see somebody and somebody went, hey, can you please go up? You know where you're at a club and you're just there to hang up?

Yeah, I want you to go up.

Right?

I wouldn't even go up

because I don't want to bump anybody.

Have you ever bumped anybody?

No, I haven't.

So it's weird that you would even say that I would

when there are circumstances

where I fucking can do it.

You feel better?

Yeah.

Good.

Would you?

Bump people?

Yeah.

No, but, well.

Well, let me ask you this scenario you're in la jolla you're there on a sunday right what am i doing down there you're there and you're skeet shooting oh you know me i'm big yeah and that's a great squeak community skeet skeet ske skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. And you during the day, the Frisbees are going up.
Pull! Pull, yeah, yeah. And I'm pulling.
I'm there with you. And I'm just like, I hate this job.
You know what I mean? Why do I have to do this? I don't even have the machine. Shut up, Wong, and pull.
You know what, Bob? We have a podcast. Anyway, right? And then afterwards, you're like, hey, let's work out at the store.
It's open mic. It mic and i said to you yeah but we didn't call in man we don't want to bump the open mics would you or not be honest if you and i were together probably me too only because we're together yeah but that's a different scenario entirely right it's i see i think that's a different scenario entirely case by case yeah it's case by second case case by case yeah yeah what jay put up that thing i sent to you yeah let me see this look at this is great so we've done a lot of stand-up talk on the podcast today and let me show you something a new star look at me okay a new star is about to break into stand-up and let me tell you yeah i bet she's going to be bigger than Bill Burr, bigger than Chris Rock, bigger than Sebastian bigger than Aziz.
I can't wait. She will be the biggest stand-up comic, I'm calling it right now.
Okay. I can't wait.
Let's do this for an announcement. Comedy! Are you getting into comedy? Are you a stand-up comedy or an actress, comedic actress? No, I think I would really appreciate my voice in stand-up comedy and I'm meeting with Hallie Wendell tomorrow.
You are? Yeah. Do you have a first show? Maybe at some of the festivals coming up.
I'm not going to let anything, I want it to be a surprise. I want to have some fun with everyone.
But I'm really blessed that I can get over my fear of people that I was having and now I can like really tackle that and overcome it and be on stage. So that's like, I'm just blessed to be able to do it.
Do you have a set ready? Hold on. Are you just riding it with Howie Mandel? I'm going to just keep it very teen mom, very mom.
I am a mom like none other. So it's not too hard for me to have some fun.
And I have ADD. So I'm usually the funny one and people make fun of me so it's just easy going you know I'm happy with it you're gonna maybe a little therapy through your experiences through comedy comedic relief is everything that we need that's right what's your new career steps? comedic relief is everything we need right now we don't need we don't need this is my thing Ukraine and and Russia, who gives a fuck? We need comedic relief.
Ooh, ooh. Yeah, big fucking deal.
So this is a woman named Farrah Abraham. She was on Teen Mom.
She was a teen mom. She's notorious also.
She had a sex tape that went very viral with a guy named James Dean, right? Yeah, I think. And there are some shots that we didn't need to show.
Yeah, that was uncomfortable. We just showed her open vagina.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, she had- But funny.
Very funny. Very funny vagina.
Well, that's her big closer. It was James Dean, but there's controversy.
James Dean is the name of the guy, right? I know who he is. Yeah he was accused of um sexual assault as well right on her yeah on her and other porn stars yeah yeah yeah yeah i think it's kind of par for the course over there in the in that world but not even in working like he would have sex with people off camera and do weird shit those guys probably think there's cameras all the time you know maybe but anyway she's gonna do stand-up you, I'm calling it right now, calling it on my show.
Farrah Abraham, Teen Mom, bigger than any of your favorite comedians right now. We'll be selling out arenas.
Mark my fucking words. I think we should put her on.
On our show. Our Netflix show.
Let's have her do a set. With the Bad Friends and Friends and have her do a set.
I'm being real. So am I.
Yeah. But she has to follow us.
I think it'd be tough for us to follow her.

Yeah.

So that's why I don't want to follow her.

Let's have her follow us. Yeah.

So I want her to close the show.

Because of our insecurities about her.

It's not a.

The lineup's easy.

It's going to be me, you, Trevor Wallace, Fahim Anmar.

Brian Simpson.

Brian Simpson.

Pretty light show.

Hypothetical, Bobby.

What if you went to the store next week?

Or let's say two weeks after she had a little time

in comedy. Let me take it from here.

Farrah Abraham.

The manager of the store comes up to you

and says, Bobby, teen mom

for...

You just got the news.

Oh, you're excited like you're cheering her die. Oh, you're about to die.
I feel like I'm going to die. When you die, you're howling like a dog? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So your last days. Yeah, yeah.
Do you know who that is, by the way? Teen Mom, the girl from Teen Mom. Did you ever know that show? It was an MTV show.
Honestly, if I hadn't seen the video and they said Sarah Abraham's going to bump you, I would go. Farrah.
What is her name? Farrah.

Farrah Abraham?

Am I wrong?

Isn't it Farrah?

That's Farrah.

Farrah, yeah.

Farrah Abraham's going to bump you.

Honestly, I would say, in this way.

Who?

She was a teen mom star and she did a sex porn tape with James Dean or whatever.

How many followers does she have on Instagram? Because you did say, if the comic is more famous than you, you do kind of make way for them a little bit. All right.
So Farrah Abraham 2.9 million. What is it? 2.9 million.
Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. You don't even have a million.
Yeah. What I would say.
I don't know, man. You know what I would say? Go ahead.
Go ahead. I really want to call Howie Mandel right now.
Call him up. And go, are you really going to help her do stand-up comedy? Call him up and let's see.
See what he says. Tell him we're on the podcast.
I don't want to be intrusive. Just go, hey, we're interested to know what the story is with this girl.
She said she's meeting with you. Was it a lie? Maybe she, oh, click on that right there.
There he is on TikTok talking to her. Okay, let's see.
What did did he say end up comedy before you said you announced you want to go into stand up comedy i did it for five minutes he wanted to see the reaction and basically he recorded it and he saw that it was like women standing up cheering me on like men laughing so i was like even if i fail at comedy i could be really good at ted talks so either way it either stand-up comedy or a TED Talk. Let's get it.
I'd rather her do stand-up comedy. Imagine going to a TED Talk.
I actually would love to see a TED Talk. You wear, you know, you wear dressed nice.
You and I wearing suits to her TED Talk? Yeah, yeah. We're wearing suits.
Right, we sit there, right? And she comes up, what is she, what's the TED Talk about? This is how you suck dick.

I mean, what is it?

What is it?

I mean, you know what I mean?

I will be honest and say she does know a little bit about that.

I know she does.

Yeah.

Did I watch the porn tape?

Did you?

You better believe it.

You guys watch.

You know Carlos saw it, without a doubt.

I didn't see it.

Okay, Carlos, fuck off.

Yeah.

You know George saw it.

Look at him.

You did, didn't you? Oh, of course. Yeah, of course.
Hey, thing on the internet. As soon as you hear something's on the internet, you gotta find it.
Bro, bro, bro, fuck off. Yeah.
You know George saw it. Look at him.
You did, didn't you? Oh, of course. Yeah, of course.
Anything on the internet. As soon as you hear something's on the internet, you gotta find it.
But what if she does become one of the funniest people? No, no, no. She will.
I called it. She will be the biggest stand-up comic in our game, without a doubt.
And then she deserves it. And I, by the way, I can't wait till she bumps us.
Yeah. Go ahead.
Go ahead. Play it.
All with Farrah Abraham. Tips, tricks, and acronyms for those with disabilities like ADHD.
She's putting on headphones. Study law.
Oh, she's going to be a lawyer. That was 18 weeks ago, though.
So she switched to comedy. she probably isn't a lawyer anymore no she probably

has her degree now she's already got her bar she's passed the bar just started past the bar now you

know i'm not going to make fun of this girl in this in the in the law world because i don't know

her intellectual level i know she could be very very book smart and good at that however it does

seem like kind of a trend that if you make a sex tape like kim kardashian you gotta study law at

some point if you get fucked on camera and it goes viral, you got to study some law. I think it's a way to let people think that they are smart.
Maybe she is very smart. I know, but it just seems like just a reaction because people go, you're dumb.
You do a sec tape. And she's like, I'll show you.
Yeah. I'll pass the bar.
Yeah. But then they'll go to like Amazon, get a book.
Bob's Law Class. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. That's right off the 101.
Yeah. Well, you know what? California's bar exam may be largely perceived as the hardest one in the nation.
Some other states may pose similar difficulty, but Arkansas also has a grueling two-day test. Would not have predict Arkansas for sure for having a tough one.
It requires you to know several state and local laws

in addition to federal ones.

So, dude, if she passes the bar here,

didn't Kardashian pass it here?

I don't think she's passed yet.

Let's ask.

Ask Jeeves.

We're sponsored by Ask Jeeves now.

Has Kim Kardashian passed the bar?

It's the baby bar.

Reality star Kim Kardashian has passed the baby bar.

Required would be California Lars.

Look at that.

Well, her dad was a lawyer. Right.
And her dad was OJ's lawyer. Yeah, I know, but that doesn't mean- That's good.
That's hereditary. It's in the genes, baby.
Law's in the genes? Law, it's in the genes. Well, it's like, I just think that there has- The intellect must be.
She must- I think it's- Also, listen. Okay, so like I said, Farrah Abraham, lawyer and crushing stand-up comedian.
No. What does Farrah Abraham's parents do? Her dad was a stand-up.
No. Yeah.
Jimmy Abraham? Bobby Abraham. Oh, Bobby Abraham, yeah.
Famous. Yeah.
What does Farrah's mom, Deborah Danielson, do? She's a telecom consultant with a company in Nebraska. Pretty good.
Pretty good. And the dad works for an infrastructure solutions and security solutions.
I bet she could pass the fucking bar. She could.
In Austin. Yeah, you're right.
Okay, right. And you know what transfers well in comedy? What? Intelligence.
She's smart. She's going to kill in comedy.
All right. Mark my fucking words, pal.
Okay. But I would like to make a bet for you.
Let's's make a bet i'll give her a five-year window five years yeah that she becomes a regular at any club she's not gonna do it in five years she's gonna get in for a year kill and leave on top so what you're saying is is that within a year right at the improv laugh factory comedy show she'll be a bonafide regular you name it all right so one year a thousand dollars thousand dollars she'll be the biggest name on all the lineups okay killing it all right you guys saw it and i'll be texting you bob do you want to go watch pharaoh's new tent she's got a tight tent and you'll be rolling up to the store to watch what do you think rudy jewels am i right on the money? Is she like Ali Wong? Her comedy?

Or is to watch what do you think rudy jules am i right on the money is she like ali wong her comedy or is it just what stop stop we just have to absorb it because that's the craziest thing i've ever heard you know why yeah because ali wong's not funny no she's very funny Abraham is

when I say a thousand times funnier than Ali Wong will ever be Farrah Abraham in my mind is already a fucking shooting star can we see her comedy you're not ready for it let me say this yeah I love Ali good friend of mine phenomenal joke writer couldn't touch fair abraham couldn't even come close and you know it's true i think i'm a believer now i think i'm a believer now because you said it i converted you i just lost the grand grand's gone baby venmo me please all right look we had so much fun in austin i had a great time in dallas thank you guys for coming out and seeing us. But check out our show at the main room at the Comedy Store.
So we're going to do a show at the main room at the Comedy Store. Do we know the date? We got to figure that out.
It's sometime. Are you doing another show with Netflix? No, that's it.
I'm doing May 7th, downtown the Palace Theater. May 7th, I'm doing my new, well, I'm doing an hour downtown, May 7th in LA.
So if you're in LA and you don't come thanks a lot is how I feel and if this works this weekend and you do well we're hitting the road do well? we're hitting the road in the fall we're gonna be hitting the road Bad Friends Tour featuring Rudy Jules what am I gonna do? stand up you know you're You know you're doing time in Austin. No.
You didn't say anything. I didn't want to tell you, but you are.
You are. It's only 1,700 people, so.
It's not that big of a deal. It's not that big of a deal.
Just 10 minutes. What? 15 is fine.
Farrah Abraham wouldn't bat an eye. She would do it.
Yeah. But I'm not like her! Yes, you are.
You're exactly like her.

You're exactly like her.

Can I just do one minute?

Three.

Three minutes. Three is good.

We'll write it for you. Yeah, we'll write it for you.
Three minutes.

Like we did last time. But what if they boo?

They won't. They're gonna boo.

No, they're not. They're not gonna boo.

It's gonna be completely silent.

And look, even if they do, does this hurt your feelings? Boo! Yeah. I think boo is better than silent.
Okay, so you want the boos. So you should walk out and go, I'm going to tell some new jokes.
I'm brand new to this. And if you don't like them, just boo me if what if she's on stage it's so silent right

then she starts to cry but you can you can hear the tear that's how quiet it is and the tear goes

you're gonna be great all right thank the fans and let's get out of here okay thank you for being a