Pregnancy Scare & Texas Lovin'

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

Well, you two are something.

We're bad friends.

Deep in the heart of Texas.

You know the whole song? Please don't shoot me. The stars shine bright.
Big at night. Deep in the heart of Texas.
Bro, I'm telling you right now, that 50th anniversary comedy story, it was good to see you last night, by the way. It was really fun.
Well, he couldn't have been there. We were partying in the parking lot.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he was there because I took a photo with him.
Did you go? No. Yeah, you were.
I took a photo with you last night, man. You did? Let me see this photo, Bobby.
Let's see. Get back in there, man.
I sure will. You're with Billy Tyler.
Look at that. Doc is there.
I was going to the comedy show. I was at the store and I go, what's up, Willie Tyler? Hello, Doc.
You didn't say anything. You said that look.
You heard that look like that magical black look that you have. Why didn't you say anything to Bobby? You know Bobby so well.
Yeah. Why were you sitting on his lap? That was the weird part.
I tell you something, Doc. Yeah.
You came in here, Doc, the first thing he said when you guys weren't here, he goes, man, I got to lose some weight. You know, I'm fat.
This picture, you look so thin. Yeah, overnight.
What happened last night? Man, it was good to see you last night, man. It was really a pleasure.
Well, the reason I'm wearing my cowboy hat is because we're going to Texas this week, and I'm excited. We're going to be in Austin, and I'm going to be in Dallas.
Black Bart has a hat. That's a hat for Black Bart.
A little hat for Black Bart over there. God damn, I love hats.
I got one for Doc Willis. I so appreciate you.
I got a gun here. No, no, no.
Rudy Jewels, look at that. You got a little jewel.
What you doing around here, Red? You got a little jewel. Yo, Red, what you doing around here? Does it shoot? Don't.
I don't think it's loaded. But don't keep doing it.
Don't try. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then look, Andre Haas. He's got O2 black bars.
Mau. Mau.
Mau. You're not going to be able to wear the headphones on the top of that.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Well, I'm keeping my hat on.
I like it. Not me, man.
Why? You don't want to be black part? I like headphones.

All right.

Put on the headphones then.

I think we look good in our cowboy hats.

Hi, Rude.

Hi, Andrew.

How's it going?

I'm good.

You feel good?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah?

Rude's never been to Texas.

You really?

Wait, wait.

What states have you been in

in the United States?

Just here. You've been only to California? Really? You've never been...
You know Hawaii is a part of the US. Oh yeah, Hawaii! So you went to Hawaii, here, New York, never? Never.
I don't want to go to New York. You went to Seattle.
Let's take her to New York. You went to Washington.
Oh, yeah. Wait a minute.

Didn't you go to another place together?

Did you go to Arizona with him?

No.

He's never been to Arizona. That was just you and your brother?

Yeah, yeah.

So you've only been to Hawaii, Washington, California.

Let's name off the places that you want to go to because we can make it happen.

Let's go.

We can make it happen, yeah.

You're going to go to Texas this week.

What's something to do in Texas?

Oh, got a lot. There's a lot to do.
There's a lot. You can rangle beautiful trees.
Can we go to a strip club? You want to go to a strip club? Yeah. Do you want to go? Should we go to a titty bar in Austin? Wait, why couldn't we go? We could take it to a booby bar.
No, but it's a... Look at that.
We can go to Palazzo Gentleman's Club. Oh, the Bear Cabaret in Austin.
I heard that's a good one. Yeah.
And look at the review for the bear. Look at what it says.
Go up. Felt like a nightclub with a cool vibe rather than a strip club.
That's perfect. I like cool vibes.
I like cool vibes. I love nightclubs, so that's cool.
And then Ecstasy Cabaret Austin says, Sucks to say it, but Ecstasy is a slumbag strip joint now. That's the one I want to go.
That's where we get to shoot together. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's where we want to go. go well you know texas was a place where i would purposely back in the day when i was single would want to go to at least dallas and houston because i used to go to a place called treasures that's in dallas right in houston oh and there was a place in dallas called baby dolls oh baby dolls oh i love it but now there are doll other little tiny dolls in the room all over the room Yeah, it's an American Girl story.
You la. I love it.
But because- Now, are there little tiny dolls in the room, all over the room?

Yeah, it's an American Girl store.

You know, I love American Girl.

There's baby dolls.

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Check out our new kitchen daily buffet, Friday.

Dude, you know that's the best part about strip clubs.

People go just for the food.

Yeah, they're known to have the best food.

Roast beef.

The roast beef during the day at a strip club is so good. And ham.
They ham. Big ham.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But why do you want to eat when there's like women? What do you mean? Why do you want to eat when there's women? You're a woman.
We eat in front of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All the time. That's weird.
Why is it weird? We've been to Jersey Mike's the other way. Right? Why would it be weird to eat at a strip club? Why do you think that's strange being full and like no they the girls can't eat no you don't feed them you don't feed them it's not a zoo no you don't it's not a petting zoo like throwing fucking meat at them she thinks you like turn a dial a piece of chicken falls out you just throw it at them yeah yeah the reason why you eat at a strip club because usually a woman's vagina it's like wine it's like wine wine So if you're having like a fish It depends on what kind of vagina it is Sometimes it's two fishes don't make a good meal That's exactly right So sometimes you'll have a fish And you'll look at the vagina And it's got like a nutty A nutty Deep nutty You know what I mean Explain more Explainty, deep nutty, you know what I mean? What do you mean? I don't know.
Explain more. What? Explain.
No, it's got an oaky. Oak? Yeah, yeah.
Nutty. Nutty, oaky.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. How are the tannins? The tannins are beautiful.
They're nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's like sometimes you use cheese. Sometimes they have the cheese.
A lot of cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A lot of cheese. Well, we're going to take you to strip club.
Not drinking today, huh, Doc? Well, you know, I'll tell you. Yeah, tell me.
You know, you just got to rehab, right? So I was saying to myself, you're welcome. Well, he's being mindful.
Well, I just felt like fucking like I was putting pressure on you coming in and drinking. That's why you was getting on me.
Drink wasn't his big problem. It was dick.
Yeah. He would get drunk on dick.
Your dick I had a problem with. So it didn't bother you at all when I was drinking? No.
Do you have some in your bag? You're goddamn right. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
I don't really care about you though. It doesn't bother me.
If you were smoking weed in here, it'd be a little weird. That'd be weird.
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, but drink up.
Pour up, dog. I just wanted to get some validation.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. i need to tell bobby this while you while you get your little your flask on i get it i get a text message this morning yeah i want to read it to you tell me this doesn't sound a little distressed okay from who from this from uh black magic okay you tape that shit no no no dog dog the text message you said here listen to this he goes hey tino are you available to talk anytime soon because i need to tell you something very very two varies yeah important yeah i'm at work lunch break right now till 11 30 then i'm back at work at 3 30 when you hear very i need to talk to you something very very important was that yesterday or today this morning so immediately my brain goes to is doc okay did something happen uh-huh right tell him what you told me i call him immediately you all right? First thing's out of my mouth.
Doc, are you okay? What'd you say? I told him. Well, look, man.
I was telling him that I read some UFO shit. So, you know.
He's on some UFO shit. He just sent me this? Yes, that's it.
He sent me this yesterday. What did I say? What does it say? It says, you might be an alien, baby Bobby.
Oh, that's it? Number one. No, and then you go, which is fucking rude.
Don't ever call me Baby Bobby again. Fool.
Hey. Yeah, yeah.
Baby Bobby, new nickname. Baby Bobby.
Baby Bobby. All right.
UFOs left radiation burns and unaccounted for pregnancies. New Pentagon report claims.
Yeah. The Pentagon report claim.
We'll show the article. You and Pentagon Report Claims.
Yeah. The Pentagon Report Claims.

We'll show the article.

You and my brother should get together.

Yeah.

Dude, he's at work on his fucking lunch break.

I was panicked.

Telling me about these articles.

You're panicked?

Panicked.

Yeah.

Because I was going on and I was trying to see what the news,

different news sightings was talking about, right?

Yeah.

So I went on YouTube.

And then so.

You know there's a war in Ukraine. There are other things you can.
Anyway, okay. But not here on Earth, right? Yeah.
So I went on YouTube. And then so...
You know there's a war in Ukraine.

I mean, there are other things you can...

Anyway, okay.

But not here on Earth, Bobby.

Yeah.

It's fucking about to go down.

It's fucking like,

hey, man, hold up.

Something is popping off.

So when I watched the news clippings,

they didn't mention the pregnancies.

And I go, what?

But they mentioned the radiation burns.

It is true.

One of the two was mentioned.

Yeah.

So I said, what the fuck?

Yeah.

So I go in

and under the comments,

somebody asked,

where can you get the paperwork?

So I was like,

oh fuck,

let me show them

where they can get the paperwork.

So the website

to the defense intelligence

that I sent to him.

So he goes on DIA.

He goes on the defense intelligence

A to C website.

I get it, right?

And I copy paste it

and I put it under the comments.

So I say,

okay,

I'm waiting for somebody to respond.

And then he deletes it. This is on a what? You posted this on Facebook? On YouTube.
On YouTube. This is on YouTube.
On YouTube. Yup.
Under the Fox San Francisco station. That's where they showed it.
Right? So they deleted it. Honestly, that's where I get all my news.
For real? All my news. No! I'm about to say, man.
This is the article. I thought I was connected with you.
Okay. so this guy sees the article about the but the pregnancies the unaccount of our pregnancies yeah they disappear from the defense intelligence agency's website it's gone okay we have this link look this was the link for the DIA if you scroll down it used to say it right at the bottom right there I have a theory wait time out Wait, time out though.
Okay, go ahead. And I said, well, to him, I go, that's crazy, Doc.
Are you okay? Honestly, I was like, are you okay? Because he called, he's at work. I'm thinking he's on Spice.
Like he's freaking out at work about aliens. Right.
I'm like, he's smoking something. Oh, so the initial text was, I have something very, very important.
Very, very. Two verys.
Well, because he I wanted to talk about it on a thing, so I didn't want to get in trouble. But that text reads like, hey, man, something happened.
To you personally. If I said, Rudy, something's very, very important.
I see what you're saying. What's going on? Yeah.
Okay. Very, very important is this.
Okay? I have cancer. That's very, very important.
That's very, very. Right? Very important is I got in a car accident.
Or you killed someone. Or you killed, thank you.
Very, very, very. That's three varies.
Is that three varies or two? That's two varies. That's two varies.
What's three varies? I have very, very, very. Andres, he texted me, something's very, very, very important.
I know he's dismembered someone. He needs me to hide the bodies with him.
Right. Yeah, killing someone is fine, but dismembering, that's very, very, very important.
Yeah. Okay.
So that's the very, very important. So that's number one.
That's, you know, so don't do that again. Don't do that again.
Hey, dog. Hey, I didn't know I worried you.
My bad, but I was scared in the mouth. You worried me because, and you were also in a panic on the phone call.
Dude, I wish I recorded the phone call. Yeah.
He was, he was, he was like, nah, Tino, and they hiding it from us. I don't know what they were hiding, but man, it came down on the website.
And I was like, Doc, who's hiding what from you? He's like, the pregnancies, Tino, are gone. Okay.
Do you have a theory? No, I think he's fucking out of his mind. What's your theory? Number one, you're out of your mind.
Number one, you're out of your mind. Man, don't do this.
You know what you are? You're very, very, very out of your mind. DIA says, sorry, no listen here's a theory all right right i'm working for the government right for that website right right i bring my cousin larry because he's in town right cousin larry you know he just happens to be another magic black okay a black magic guy black magic he drinks the wine the wine right right i go to the bathroom my crazy cousin larry right is on the website take this out right they get pregnant too man you know what i mean that's what orientals are whatever it is right yeah right he comes back and goes what the fuck what the fuck right meanwhile fox is what can do the article now they read it he deletes it that you see that.
That's what happened. That could be one theory.
Give me another theory. I think another theory could have been that you yourself are now being tracked and honed by the government.
And your phone is now the most tapped phone in this room. Bobby's been tapped a bunch.
I got tapped. And you know old got tapped a few times.'s another theory i have okay and i've been suspecting this for a very long time and this is true dude all right you could be like for me you could be an alien when i'm going very i know you could be an alien when i'm bringing it to other people's attention right i'm trying to hide it from you know i mean yeah you're just you're it's's like a switch and bait.
It's a bait and switch. Yeah, switch and bait, bait and switch, whatever it is.
And it works both ways. It works both ways.
It's a bait and switch, switch and bait. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yin and yang. Can I tell you something? When I talk about you, when I say, you know, Doc is on the show and they'll go, oh, the alien.
That's what they always say. Yeah, yeah.
And I say, are you talking about fancy? And they go, no, fancy is a citizen now, no longer an alien. So look at there, black people and aliens.
Here's the reason why. Go to the first one.
Now listen. Don't look shit like me.
You put glasses on that thing, right? I don't know. I don't know the body.
That looks pretty close. I know.
Look at that. Doc, I don't know.
Doc, right? I bet you money that guy is a gay uncle. All right, I bet you.
The third one looked like you a little bit, Bobby. Okay.
Here we go. Can I tell you something? It's the He-Man War.
More the He-Man War than me, all right? All right, so. Yeah.
And who does that look like? I don't know. That's a little in the kit fan.
Right? He likes the king of the sick. He does.
Yeah, he's big in the king of the sick. He's got a sharp fucking tattoo on his ankle.
I got to tell you something. I think you might be misleading us.
You're projecting because you have something to do with all this bullshit. Man, I'm just a guy out here trying to live and find this shit out.
That's what a fucking alien would say. That's what a fucking alien would say that.
It sounds like a prerecorded message. Let's listen to him closely say a sentence to us, innocuous sentence, and let's see if it sounds like a human or an alien is saying it.
Say, oh, I've gotta go to the bank today and make a couple of deposits, then I gotta go to the store. Or, I gotta go to the bank today.
See, he's still a friend. That was reptilian.
That was reptilian. That was reptilian, dude.
That was reptilian. That was reptilian.
Fucking flubbing it up. Holy shit.
You're a fucking alien, dude. I know, I got to say.
I'm just kidding. I'm a reptilian, dude.
Dude. Yeah.
I mean, what the fuck? Did you see his eyes flip? Did you see that? Did you guys see his eyes flip up in his head? Double eyelids. He fucking set me up, bro.
This guy, you see, he threw like two sentences. Let's give the alien one more chance.
Okay, let's give a new sentence. Give him a new sentence.
Some people are asymptomatic from COVID, and yet they don't get tested. some people are asymptomatic from COVID and yet they

don't get tested

some people are asymptomatic

with COVID

and

they don't get tested

at the end

very good

I'm just

I'm just telling you

I feel

do you feel like he has

an alien presence at all

when he said the first

sentence

yeah

he did something with his mouth

lizard

he's a lizard

he's a with his mouth.

Lizard.

He's a lizard.

It's called lizard.

He's a lizard person.

Yeah.

Because lizard people are real.

You know about lizard people, don't you?

Yeah.

Our government is entirely made up of lizard people, without a doubt.

Who do you think is the only person that's famous in government that's not a lizard?

Who is or isn't?

Who is not, because I think they're all lizards.

Is there anyone that is?

No, there are people that aren't. I don't think Sally Fields is.
She's not in government. Not in government that's not a lizard? Who is or isn't? Who is not? Because I think they're all lizards.
Is there anyone that is? No, there are people that aren't. I don't think Sally Fields is.
She's not in government. Not in government.
Oh, in government. I'm sorry.
Are you talking about our government in Hollywood? Well, our government in Hollywood. My bad.
Which Hollywood actors are lizards? Yeah, I don't know. Because you know why this says Sally Fields? I'm just trying to think.
I'll tell you who's not. Government or Hollywood? Either or.
Let's go government.

Okay.

Let's go.

Is Barack Obama a lizard?

He is.

Yeah, definitely.

Is Trump?

No.

He's not a lizard person.

Yeah, because he doesn't know much.

He's too human.

Yeah, he's too human.

Doesn't know anything.

Is Hillary Clinton?

Oh, yeah.

Is Bill?

Oh, yeah.

Look at him.

He's a funky lizard.

He doesn't even hide anymore.

He's one of those lizards that can change colors when he goes into a new area yeah yeah his skin keep changing and lizards love to play the saxophone love but why a lizard because there's certain there's that's an alien life form that came down and inhabited our bodies there is a planet of lizards of lizard of lizard people and look at this there's bro Barack. They call it shapeshifter.
Shapeshifters. And they can occupy bodies.
There's like an arachnid kind of alien species. The big whites, whatever.
Tall whites. The tall whites that we're talking about.
Tall whites, little grays. Now, let me ask you something.
Shoot. And then.
Let me ask you something. Do you, can you be completely honest with me, Doc? Yeah, fuck yeah, shoot.
Shoot. Do you really believe in it? Hell yeah.
So you believe that there are, you believe that Hillary Clinton is a lizard person. Oh no, no, I don't believe it.
But you believe that aliens. I like collecting information.
That's all I like. You like, you believe that aliens, you're going to fit right in in Texas.
Yeah. You believe that aliens impregnated people on this planet oh i don't know about that you don't believe it yeah i mean if it's if they saying it is possible yeah let me ask you this do aliens have penises good and what do they look like can you describe it i think some of them look like us you think their penises are like ours yep just regular old cocks really so you think of the lizard guy Has just like a white Regular dick Could be dog Everybody got a dick A turtle A fucking whale You don't think it would be More similar to a lizard's dick Than They got dicks Whatever it looks like They got dicks Maybe aliens have two or three Yep They may have multiple dicks She's watching too much anime I think that's what it is The wrong guy Yeah yeah yeah How many dicks Maybe they're like octopuses Theyicks on every arm.
You know what I mean? So they fuck me every night so I could be... Rudy.
She's like, they hug me and fuck me while they're hugging me and rubbing my hair. Yeah.
How many dicks do you think aliens have, Rudy? Maybe three. Three.
You think three is the lucky number? What are they? Are they for different things? It's like one for sex, one's for peeing and one's for... Beer.
Maybe. Beer? You drink maybe honestly Jules if you saw a cute alien he's your age right he's got hairy styles but he also looks like a you know a chameleon yeah like a you know he's got some scaly things on his face his nose might be might be up a little bit yeah there might just be two holes as noses, like a snake or whatever.
It's flush. But he's got a beautiful, hairy, you know, he's like, I might think it's like Harry Styles or whatever.
Is he smelly? Well, he has Drakkar on. Yeah, Drakkar Noir.
Yeah, and cool water. He mixes them.
You probably still fucking use those ones. Which one do you have? I got Fahrenheit, Drak do you have i got fahrenheit do you even know what these are these colognes she has no idea dracar noir might be the most fahrenheit by the way do you fahrenheit is is a little later than dracar but it was only for black people i don't even know why people are you sure yeah i don't know why people could buy it i think i tried one time and they told me no like i beeped it out it's like newport cigarettes it's only for you.
You can't buy it. Hennessy, I can't even know white people could buy it I don't know white people could buy it I think I tried one time and they told me no I beeped it out

it's like Newport cigarettes

it's like only for you

you can't buy it

Hennessy

I can't buy Hennessy

yeah yeah yeah

they give you a look

every time you try to buy it

there's Fahrenheit

that's what Doc adorns his body

Fahrenheit by Dior

yeah

that's sexy dude

but Dior

Jules was like the first

when I was in high school

and also Cool Water

Cool Water was

David Off

were the like

the first like

colognes that I bought

like they were like

there it is

Thank you. When I was in high school and also Cool Water.
Cool Water was the David Off. Were the first colognes that I bought.

There it is.

Drakkar Noir.

All the way to the right.

The black one.

Yeah, the black one.

Drakkar Noir.

And then Cool Water.

Check that out.

Should we buy this for-

Let's get a Drakkar.

Let's get a Drakkar from the studio.

And let's get a Cool Water.

Look up Cool Water.

Do you wear perfume, Rudy?

Yeah.

What do you wear?

The DKNY. There it is.
DKNY. There it is.
Wow. Is it expensive, man? No chance.
$13.59. You can get that at CVS.
No, no, that's photo. Regular large of field.
Go up, go up. Oh, that's photo.
That's like a... That's even cheaper.
That's when you turn into a harness. You can get that at CVS, but they don't even lock that one up.
You know how some of the colognes they lock up? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that one is just free.
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Bad Friends listeners get 10% their first month at betterhelp.com slash bad friends that's b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p.com slash bad friends i like that you know when i saw one of those things today you know when someone does that um uh you never knew this on the internet like i was how i was this days old when i learned blah blah blah they did this thing where they popped a bag of popcorn and you know how like there's a little slit at the top that opens up and she goes, don't empty out the popcorn when the bag is full. Flip it upside down.
That's for all the seeds to come out so then you don't have seeds in the bag anymore. Oh.
Well, they're called life hacks. Life hacks.
Yeah, they're life hacks. But also, I like the fucking seeds because I eat the half pops.
Don't you eat the half pops? Yeah. You don't eat the half pop popcorn? No.
I love the half pop. You guys are fucking great.
They're so good. It's like burnt rice.
I love burnt rice. Love burnt rice.
Yeah, yeah. I do too.
When it's crispy. When I get bim, bim, bap.
Bim, bim, bap. I make sure they sk on the bottom so the bottom layer is burnt.
Like a stone pot, right? And then when it comes, the bim, bim, bap comes, I don't even fuck with it right away, brah. Let it sit.
I let it sit, dog. Let it sit, away let it sit and then once I know that it's sizzly and fucking crisp I go to the bottom and I'll scoop up the bottom and put it to the top and so all the crispiness is in there you don't know nothing you guys don't need to have pop popcorn he's never had Korean food you know that how the fuck have you we never we talked about this i know we already talked about it yeah he had wasabi huh wasabi yeah that's right i remember that's right but the other life hack that blew my fucking mind what that annoys me i wish we had it here to show you yeah on the bottom of salt and pepper shakers okay every salt and pepper shaker you know the standard round ones they're rivets there's a ton of rivets on the bottom what do you think the rivets on the bottom are for it's in it the whole bottom is ribbed it's riveted what do you think it's for guess this is going to blow your mind when people at home are going to listen to this they're going to try it i don't know what's wrong okay so usually you just flip it over and shake it out if you flip one of them over but leave the other one right side up and make them go bottom to bottom you rub the rivets together and it evenly shakes out the salt of the pepper that's literally what it's for what who cares i just learned it i know but i mentioned doing that i'm not doing that out of no you just flip one upside down and you're not flipping shit and it's it's like your it's like your grinder it's like it's like one of Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Except it's just you do it yourself. Yeah, I won't do that ever.
You will never flip one upside down and do it? No, because I don't, first of all, never use salt and pepper in any of my food. Do you? You don't use salt in your food? Korean food has so much salt in it.
Yeah, they put it in there initially first. I like adding it.
I want to add salt. I add salt.
Yeah, but I don't fuck with it. What do I want when you go to Denny's? What? When you go to Denny's.
He doesn't go to fucking Denny's. You think I go to Denny's? He won't go to places like that.
Where do you go to Denny's? When do you go to Denny's? Today, after the show. I go to Denny's whenever I can.
Shit, if it's available, I'm there. So let me stop here.
Let me stop this, okay? All right? Denny's is the place where you go when everything else is closed that's right that or 24 or ihop right but those are late night like when you're on the road it's two in the morning after your second show and they're like waffle house or denny's those are the only option i go but i would never go during the day now you're being diminutive what if this is his favorite meal it's not the thing that they've done. The Moons Over Miami is really good.
It's very, very good. I fucks with that.
What? Yeah, that's a good lunch right there. What are we, for lunch? You never got it for lunch? No.
Oh, try it. It's only when I'm like drunk or late at night or everything's closed.
I've never had Denny's sober. Yeah.
Or conscious. Or conscious.
Awake, alive, with a pulse. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've zombied my way into a Denny's and sloughed it in my face I've hit my head on cement and then gone in there right accidentally but is this a Morton's or whatever you know I mean my eye from the concussion was just wandering around you are you blowing my mind though you from Chicago never no but what does that mean what if Chicago they're everywhere yeah I know There's like 6,000 locations. I'm like, that's a Midwestern.
Chicago and LA, that's all that. But Midwestern that mean? Chicago, they're everywhere.
Yeah, I know. But I'm saying like.
There's like 6,000 locations. It's a regional thing.

I'm like, that's a Midwest.

Chicago and LA.

That's all that.

But Midwesterners, we fucks with Denny's like that.

Yeah, but in the Midwest, dude,

we have so many mom and pop shops that are open late.

There's so many like shitty little diners that are open late.

I love those, by the way.

Shitty little diners?

Yeah, I'd rather go there.

You want a good breakfast, bro?

Grittle.

Lucky boy.

Lucky boy. Right? In Pasadena.
Lucky boy. You go there, dude.
You get a breakfast burrito with bacon. You get a little side of ranch and some hot sauce with it.
There's nothing better. Is that your favorite breakfast burrito? There's one also in Burbank, but you never know when it's open.
It's called the Corner Cottage. I know Corner Cottage, yeah.

You have you in there?

Yeah.

Great breakfast burrito.

No, it is.

I think the best breakfast burrito is...

Colfax.

Colfax, yeah.

Best.

The best.

It's the best.

Those are the top three.

Yeah, that's way up there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't eat breakfast.

You don't fuck with any of those.

Well, yeah.

The one I fuck with is Benito's Tacos.

Benito's Tacos?

Tacos, hell yeah, bro.

On Pico?

No, well, they got one on Pico and they got one on Beverly. Do you know those commercials? Oh my God.
Why? Because it's like, is it good? Let's be honest with you. I'm not talking to this guy.
He thinks Denny's is a fucking maestro. Here you go.
No. No, it's good.
Now I'm going to tell you something. Yeah.
because he's going to be pissed off. Here you go.
Yeah, yeah. No.

No, it's good.

Yeah.

Now, I'm going to tell y'all something.

Yeah.

Because he's going to be pissed off. He's got Benito's ground up in that carat.

That's not even wine.

That's blended Benito's tacos.

Danny Lucas is going to be pissed off at y'all

because he's the one who recommended it to me.

Danny Lucas did?

Yeah.

So he's going to be mad at us?

Yeah.

Okay.

That's where I go to all my restaurant recommendations.

By the way, last night at the Comedy Store 50th.

Can we talk about it a little bit?

Yeah, I want to talk about this.

Yeah.

They told me that, why can't I think of his fucking name now?

The guy that you sell in the Thai place on Santa Monica and West Hollywood?

So, Kirk.

Kirk.

No, no.

Yeah.

Oh, it was Kirk.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm glad you brought his name up.

Okay.

Because he said something to me last night

that triggered me so hard i almost went insane what so okay let's just a little backstory all right okay do you remember kirk kirk fox no the chinese uh manager used is that his name the chinese manager that we had in the late 90s you know um the the the comedy wasn't doing well so Mitzi decided

I'm bringing back

you know what I mean

my tie can late 90s you know um the the the comedy wasn't doing well so mid-seat decided i'm bringing back you know i mean my thai contingency right so in the fucking 70s i guess a bunch of thai people worked there and apparently the whole kitchen was all thai they're all thai right so this dude right i guess he was in the military or something he was every if you're a minute late you're fired you know i mean this is a comedy club right you know you're supposed to stand and i think i told you to stand right there you know me like he's like that kind of guy right but this is what this fool what this fool used to do is i i snuck at spots yeah so because i'm i kind of played my asian angle like come on man we're both you know what i mean so then what he would do is he would just walk up to to me. As a doorman, he would go, you want to go up tonight? And I'd be like, yeah.
You get prime spot. And he would just put me up.
In a good spot. You get a good slot.
Yeah. Early in the lineup.
He wasn't even on the list or anything like that. That's good.
He used to piss people off. So I haven't seen this fool in 25 years, right? Yeah.
So I'm at the fucking party last time. I'm about to leave.
And I see him. and he's kind of swaggering toward me because hey I would remember you and I go oh what's up because how come everybody here billionaire millionaire everybody killing you know don't go very good you loser what do you mean because you got nothing because I was dressed the way I was yeah he thinks you're poor yeah I'm poor because the way I was dressed right you got nothing ever happened to you right and like a fucking asshole I got that's one of my triggers right oh yeah and I go is that why I have this house and this car I just bought you know what I mean I'm like I'm like a fucking moron trying to convince have to deal i mean i'm trying to like fucking convince him but it really triggered me the problem is bob everybody wore suits i know and you wore fucking street a metallica suit everybody wore suits dude everyone was dressed up i was i was wearing a dress shirt and dress slacks because a jacket was insane it was too hot yeah yeah this guy showed up wearing what you saw in that picture with little black magic yeah yeah uh that's oh this oh yeah that's there i am with me and sickler yeah i dude love that guy really funny the man great guy there's matt lockwood look at matt having a night yeah it was a good night look at matt having a little night so i'll just i'll just tell you what the party was right when i showed up i'm like i realized right off the bat that this is going to be a clusterfuck because you have you know the guys that normally play there now yeah like the jazzle necks the leslie jones right but then you also have everyone from the past oh yeah right and and a lot of i mean the past the past like he's still alive there were guys that that were that had the walking within a bag, you know, like the drip, like the dude.
They were walking through the hallway. It was so fucking weird to see guys so old.
Right. So there was a lot of like, we can't go down that way because I cannot run into that guy.
Yeah, no. But then there are other people looking at me like, you know what I mean? I can't run into him.
So it's just a bunch of people avoiding each other right and it's like a lot of thirst that you can feel a lot of thirst and i did make fun of there was a lot of agents and managers who snuck around and that's fine but also this is our night it's for comics i it was yeah it's like this is our little get a little jazz and a little get together and they had had Buddy, the band, Mitzi's favorite band, Buddy Rich, iconic. And when I first arrived there, Tom Dreesen, who's a legend.
Legend. You know Tom, don't you? You know Tom, yeah.
Tom comes up to me and he goes, you gotta go inside and see the Buddy Rich band. That's good.
Is that good? Good impression. He goes, you gotta go inside and see the Buddy Rich band.
It's so good. And I said, oh, the Buddy Rich band is in there?.
He goes, Oh, Andrew, you got to go inside

and see the Buddy Rich band.

It's so good.

And I said,

Oh, the Buddy Rich band is in there?

And I go,

Who is it?

And he goes,

It's all the remaining members.

All the band.

So look,

it's like the 10 remaining members were there.

And he goes,

he toured.

This is a great,

I mean,

fucking Tom Dreeson.

If you are a comedy fan,

buy his fucking book

and read about his stories of him and Sinatra.

It's insane.

He was a kid when he toured with Sinatra. Him, Sinatra and Buddy Rich.
And Buddy Rich hated that it went Buddy, Dreesen, Sinatra. And so he goes, why the fuck does the kid get to go before you? It should go the kid, me, then you.
Oh, wow. And in front of him, right in front of him.
Tom's sitting there. And Tom's like uncomfortable and he's young.
And he goes, well, I'll go wherever. And Frank goes, no, no, no, no.
You can't do comedy, music, music. It's got to go music, comedy, music.
It's got to break it up. It's insane.
So apparently he hated him. He didn't like him.
Or he not hated him, but he had a trouble with Tom. Yeah.
And he goes, he had a lot of trouble with a lot of people. He was apparently this guy, and I don't know the name.
It's like an old lounge act or something used to call buddy's house like often and would go hey is uh is buddy there and his wife would answer and go no and i'm sorry to tell you this but buddy's dead and he would go no i know i just like to hear you say it and then hang up the phone and tom goes this guy would do this all the time yeah because he fucking hated the guy he just wanted to hear his wife say that is really funny but the band played last night and they were fucking awesome don't give me shit dude you this is what happened what do you mean Peter Shore this is what happened Peter Shore goes up does that speech yeah they do a little speech then the mayor comes out or whatever the mayor of comedy what was that who was that? Who was that? I don't know, but I didn't hear a word. I didn't hear a word.
People were booing. I know.
You can't have a room full of comics not talking shit when someone's trying to talk. It was impossible.
And as soon as Peter goes, and the buddy reached bed, everyone just stood up and left the fucking room. I stayed.
How long? Five seconds. No one stayed for that.
I wanted to hear a little bit of the jazz. Yeah, yeah.
Just a jazz yeah but they were good but you know who i'll tell you who did you see last night that made you feel good matt knows shout out to matt knows i haven't seen him in a long time dude i haven't seen him in fucking years and we sat and we chatted and that dude was such a good guy a good egg a funny comedian yeah i saw him and we chatted outside for like oh he's funny for 20 minutes dude he is but but honestly yeah a lot of funny guys we come across not a lot of like

solid dudes yeah i know if i if i called him and if i was like hey man i'm in a bad way he would

help me out we don't even talk anymore yeah so seeing the older guys though oh old guys steve

middleman yeah middleman was there yeah it was kind of wild you know him yeah yeah i mean we

don't i don't know him i know who he is do you ever see the movie roxanne yeah roxanne yeah

Thank you. Oh, old guys? Steve Middleman.
Yeah, Middleman was there. Yeah, it was kind of wild.
Do you know him? Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I don't know him. I know who he is.
Do you know who he is? A little bit. Do you ever see the movie Roxanne? Yeah, Roxanne.
Yeah. Did you? Steve Martin.
Yeah, I've seen it before. Yeah, he was in the movie.
You've seen this guy. You've seen him a million times.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When I saw him, I gave him, and when I literally, I'm not kidding you, I hugged him, and my ear was against his chest because he's tall. His bones no yeah that and I didn't hear a heartbeat I literally heard no heartbeat it was just what I heard yeah I'll tell you I'll tell you what though last night I pulled up and we parked in the behind that and as hotel yeah and Polly from the balcony sees me I'm talking to Sandy Danto um and josh martin and uh brenton brenton yeah and i'm talking to these guys yeah i'm just mouth diarrhea and then

paulie's standing on his balcony he goes who is that who else looks like me who the fuck else

looks like me yeah yeah i go it's santino and he goes i know yeah what yeah i know he's weird

I'm uncomfortable. I was like, what was that? But there was also a David Lynch element to it last night.
Because you'd just be talking to somebody else and you'd see Tanya Lee Davis in her little moped. She loves us.
Yeah, and she's speaking backwards. It's just weird.
What a weird night. It was a creepy night.
Tanya Lee Davis is very funny, by the way. But it was a weird, fun...
It's if you spin a record.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was weird.

Why didn't you go?

You worked there forever.

Hey, I didn't feel like it.

You know why.

He has so much resentment to that place.

Yeah, but they're not there anymore.

The club,

I love the comics and everybody.

No, no, no.

You would have been a hit there, dude.

Well, to be honest with y'all,

they invited me,

Bob Willey even contacted me. Like, man, why you won't come? I'm't come i'm like nah i'm not coming wait why didn't you go for real yeah be real because it's after what happened with peter and paulie there with me for me i was like nah i can't deal with it but it's fine now and they were barely there no no no no it's it's it's more than that it's too long to talk about so let's just go we have a whole podcast yeah but you know the whole it's like the whole like like that like like when it's more than that.
It's too long to talk about. So let's just go.
Well, we have a whole podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, you know, the whole, the whole like, like when the shooting happened, right? Yeah. Remember when I went down? I was there.
I was there that night. You was there on the patio? I wasn't near the shooter.
I was at the club that night that that guy got shot. Fuck.
I was like, okay. Were you not there? I wasn't there that night left.
No, I was there that night. I wasn't anywhere near it.
I was inside the fucking main room green. Did you see the body? No, I wasn't there.
Oh, you weren't there. I wasn't there.
Yeah. And I had left.
No, I was there that night. I wasn't anywhere near it.
I was inside the fucking main room. Did you see the body?

No, I wasn't there.

Oh, you weren't there.

I wasn't there.

Yeah.

But they had a meeting about it.

Shot him in the chest, right?

A guy just walked up and shot a guy in the fucking chest.

Yeah.

And then Josh Nassar held the guy's body or something.

What?

Did we ask him what it felt like?

No, no.

No, I think I asked him, I go, well, you must have some PTSD from it.

I mean, that's traumatic, right?

And he said, nah.

Now, let's traumatic, right? He said, nah. Not at all.
No, not really. I mean, for me, I just know that if I was there that night, it would have really, because I'm so sensitive to murder.
Murder tends to be the thing that sets you off. I'm a little too sensitive to murder.
You know, you're very, very sensitive to murder. I'm very, very, very sensitive to murder.
Oh, it's three for murder. Yeah, yeah, for me.

I get that.

Like, Jules, if you saw somebody shot and dying, would that scar you?

I think so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I highly doubt it.

With her?

Yeah, yeah.

She's not.

I bet you we could show you a dead body.

I'd be traumatized.

Really, though?

Yeah.

Don't you like that stuff?

I like it, but then.

Would you want to touch it?

Yeah, you want to feel it. Yeah.
Have you ever touched a dead body? No. Oh.
I want to try. See? It's not like Magic Mountain.
It's not a ride, man. It's like, what? Yeah.
What's been going on with you? I like these Batman socks. Those are cool.
What's been going on? Nothing. Yeah.
Do you know what she's been doing? Do you know what she's been doing? Do you know what she's been doing? It's's slippers. She has this, she has a,

and you know,

I mentioned this earlier.

She has a smile

and a mischievous grin.

Yeah, it's been going on a little bit.

Yeah, that she's up to something

and I can't get to the bottom of it.

What are you up to?

I told you to worry

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm just staying at home.

I'm not doing anything.

Yeah, but what's online though?

You're up to no good on the computer and the phone and the iPad and stuff.

Nothing.

Let me see your search history.

No.

No, so you won't surrender it because you're not even looking at dirty stuff.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, perv.

Now, when you said that you wanted to go to the strip club, are you interested in women?

No, but I want to see boobs.

You do like boobs.

Yeah.

Everybody likes a good boob. Everyone loves boobs.
Okay, so would you get a lap dance? Would you get like a private dance if we bought you one? Yeah. All right.
Maybe we'll have to buy her a dance. Mint Mobile.
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It's my favorite razor because it's got a weighted handle, which I actually very much like. And people that know that if they shave, I don't shave my foce, but I shave my back and my shoulders.
Yeah, I'll say it. Sometimes I shave my legs and my toes.
You got to get the starter kit. Why? What's in it? A lot of good things.
Tell me what's in it. A razor, a it a razor a trimmer right and foaming shave oh that's nice first time harry's customers can redeem a starter set for just three dollars at harrys.com slash bad friends three dollars you get everything you need for a great shave and nothing but that harry's blades hold up better than ever guys who have tried it say their eighth shave is as sharp as their first now that's good rudy loves sharp stuff maybe we should get her.
They're still offering a no risk trial and you don't like to shave. No worries.
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to harrys.com slash bad friends today to get your starter set for just three dollars that's harry.com slash bad friends harry's.com slash bad friends i also they called me about what we want on stage and i don't know why i'm responsible for that but i told them because everybody else does everything all the time so they want you to do one thing right so i said um we want chairs yeah yeah i said i want chairs i said i want sugar-free red bull good start right water smart do you need here's a third thing that i said that was smart a monitor pretty oh yeah thank god yeah a monitor deer can't but i said four mics four mics yeah we're gonna have we're gonna have guests come and go come and go so. So it's going to be one, two.
It's going to be me, you, Rudy. Doc, unfortunately, can't go because of Texas laws.
Yeah. I don't make them.
We tend to bring you. You can't get on the rides.
You can't get on the plane. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. But we could put you in the storage compartment above.
Okay. Maybe if we can make a big enough paper plane, we can put you on it.
Throw it off. I don't do strip clubs, though strip clubs though so i don't want to go wait you don't do titty bars ever i do but i got robbed for my vino in vegas so i don't here's a story yeah when i went to cheetahs i went to cheetahs in vegas right yeah so my goal was to go in the strip club and not get no lap dance that was my goal i just want to just want to look a little bit right so every chick kept coming up to me and asking me to dance.
No, get the fuck out. No, I don't want no dance.
Get the fuck out. You got pimples on your ass.
Shit like that, right? So now- Are you being nice to them then? Well, pretty much. Yeah.
So then- And it's also, could I just say something? What's that? They're human beings. They get pimples.
Yeah, you get pimples. Yeah, yeah.
Have you never had a pimple on your ass? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had pimples on my ass.
You don't know what the pimples are for. I have one right now.
Yeah, yeah. And she might have didn't have time to put clear cell on her ass.
You know what I mean? And she's probably has two kids. She's on a busy day, right? So you don't have to be...
Hey, man, cut that bitch or break. Yeah, yeah.
Say it again. Say it again.
So kick the... Well, you're also kicking them.
Yeah, physically assaulting them. You're assaulting them.
It was a gentle push. You don't have to kick them with your foot.
Look at that little foot. Look get that little foot this is what they feel all right so wait so you push him away yeah so I don't know I guess they went in the arsenal they don't send the baddest chick you got so they wait I'm sorry are you King Louis the 14th I mean who the fuck do you break me the hottest shit I didn't ask for it you're not Elon Musk you're not money black magic is here send the baddest bitch out yes little black magic he's sitting in a chair you can't miss it his feet aren't touching the ground he's kicking his little legs around and he's asked for shirley temples all night to bring him the baddest bitch we've got on the floor anyway so they sent me the baddest asian yeah asian woman i said god damn she grabbed me she said you want lap dance i was like fuck yeah so she's like oh okay so she's dancing on me and then she's kissing and licking i'm like oh man oh man, this chick is nice.
Okay. And then she goes, I like brothers.

I like brothers.

It's okay.

Okay.

She had an accent.

Yeah.

What did it sound like?

I like brothers.

I like brothers.

Something like that.

You know, it was sexy.

It was so racist.

Do it one more time.

Yeah.

I like brothers.

I like brothers.

I like a brother.

Yeah.

Something like that.

You got it.

Yeah.

I like sisters too.

You know why I got it?

That was me, dude.

Oh, okay. something like that you got it yeah yeah you know why i got it that was me dude oh okay so song ends she says you know what i like you so much i want to give you another dance i'm like okay and i had two how much was it it was free she gave me a free lap dance no no that's exactly exactly so she gets through dancing

and she was like you're so sweet and she walks away and i was like boy you sweet too and i go to grab my drinks and they're fucking gone bro two goddamn drinks it was 20 dollars for it they fucking robbed me bro that's not robbery that's not robbery you don't think that's robbery They stole my shit, bro.

Yeah.

Bro.

Okay, y'all didn't get gunpoint.

You just had them take a drink from you? Michael Bay presents the robbery at a strip club. Oh, man.
Where are my drinks? Okay. He's tied up and he's down and tagged.
What are you going to do to me? Take your drink away. And then what? Did credits roll down? That's the fucking movie, dude? That that's a shit movie that's not a robbery dude so you think this woman $10 to get in $20 for those two drinks and they took them from it that's fucking robbery to me bro you got away with murder you had a free lap dance those are $100 they stole my vino bro I don't get that.
Oh, he's just alcoholic. That's what it is.
Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hand Rudy your canister right now. Nah, man.
See what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't want another.
I'm not an alcoholic, bro. I'll tell you what I know.
He's PTSD with Asian bitches stealing his wine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what this is. Well, I'll tell you what I know.
I like a Prada. I like a Prada.
I'm not an alcoholic. No, you're not.
But I know. I'm going to tell you what i like a brother i like a brother i'm not i'm not an alcoholic no you're not but i i know i'm gonna tell you what i know yeah yeah i know

i need the wine inside of me

i like that.

That was fucking.

Y'all didn't feel that?

That was fucking amazing, dog.

That was fucking in Espanol.

Y'all gonna say

que necesito

el vino dentro de me.

Come on, man.

You don't feel the soul in that?

You don't feel it. You're getting scary.
You're right. You're right.
That was scary. You get a little scary.
You get scary, dude. What do you think that is? There's something deep inside you.
Nah, you know. I just, uh, maybe.
Need some therapy a little bit. Well, let's do some right now.
okay yeah okay dude honestly the way that you're positioned in that chair yeah it's funny because rudy looks like she fills out the chair yeah and you look like a little t-rex in that little chair a little brown t-rex in that chair little arms let's do some therapy doc what is causing you the most pain and or sadness right now. And or sadness.
Mom's gone.

Mom is gone. I hate that.
That sucks, man. My mom is alive.
Then y'all be teasing me because I ain't got no girl and shit. Our moms are alive.
Is your mom alive? High five. Y'all know they're going to be talking shit to y'all.
High five. You guys have a live mom? Yeah.
Y'all fuck in. Yeah moms are lying okay okay yeah yeah let's be real let's be real we love you your mom died and i'm sorry that that that is that sucks that's causing you the most pain and issue right yeah i would say that when did she die again 2017 oh so four years ago five years ago i'm sorry that sucks that that is fucking how did she die uh cancer ah that's which one ovarian does it matter fuck what do you mean does it matter it doesn't matter what kind well you always want to know which one yeah yeah is there a special kind that's even cooler than some of them are neater than others yeah for sure is ovarian cooler than lung or i think lungs way cooler yeah i like blood blood is cool yeah that's cool yeah you don't know where it is yeah it's all over the place where's the cancer today yeah all right let's go back to reality go back to reality yeah i love you for real i love you to death and i'm sorry that your mother is gone that is causing you the most how does this problem typically make you feel how does losing your mother make you feel day to day well she was with me when i first started coming and of course it's your mom you know what i'm saying so now it's like i'm taking this journey by myself but you're not by yourself you're with us yeah yeah yeah but y'all ain't got it you know i mean like like mom's at the fucking okay how do you want me to cherish you better i feel like we've done more for you in terms of comedy than your mom has.
I feel like that's true. What did she do?

Really?

Did she have a podcast that you went on there?

She laughed.

She what?

She laughed at his jokes.

She laughed at his jokes.

Snap.

Snap.

Give it up.

I laugh at your fucking shit.

I laugh at you every time you're in this room.

I've never not laughed at you.

I've laughed at you every time you come in this room.

When you walk in here, I smile. Yeah.
I didn't know you were coming. They don't tell us.
So when I walked in, I'm like, oh, thank God he's here. I love it.
I love seeing you. Yeah, yeah.
All right, so let's say, I'm reading this off of a sheet because I don't know how to do this, but what makes the problem better? What makes you feel better? When there's a moment that passes about you being sad about losing your mom, what makes you feel better? For real, comedy, being around makes you feel better hell yeah see what the fuck i love that that's real talk like also can i can i and this is real i'm not trying to make a joke or anything right okay might be below it might be a joke but i just maybe but i just feel like you know your heart is closed a little bit because you don't have a significant other. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And it's like... Do you want love?

Hell yeah.

I think that if you

fell in love with somebody,

a woman, right?

Right.

Or a man.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

Yeah, yeah.

Well,

yeah, yeah.

That's what you're saying.

Or trans.

Or trans person.

It could be anybody.

Yeah.

Post-op, pre-op.

When I said woman,

you know what I meant though.

Guy?

Man.

Yeah.

Keep going. So we want you...
Go ahead. Yeah.
So I think that if you, like, you know what I meant, though? Guy? Man. Keep going.
So we want you. So go ahead.
Yeah. So I think that if you like, you know, when my dad died, right, it hurt.
It was terrible. Right.
But I do have other people that I love as well. You know what I mean? So we have him and my girlfriend and whatnot, my brother and other things.
So not Rudy. You know what?? Love is a two-way street.
Yeah. And I'm going to say something right now.
She doesn't drive that way. You never, like every day I go, what are you doing today? How are you? Right? And all these questions and stuff.
You never asked me shit. You don't give a fuck.
I asked you yesterday if you were negative from COVID. From COVID? Yeah, yeah, because that's selfish

because you don't want to get sick.

Still, I asked you.

All right, fine.

I guess that counts.

I guess that counts.

So brilliant.

So why don't we find you a significant other?

We've tried before on the show,

but we didn't take it serious.

I want to be real about it.

I don't have a problem not meeting women.

No, no, no.

You're not listening to what he's saying. You can get laid.
How the fuck would y'all find her though? Y'all don't even know what I like. Yes real about it.
I don't have a problem not meeting women. No, no, no.
You're not listening to what he's saying.

You can get laid.

How the fuck would y'all find her though?

Y'all don't even know what I like.

Yes, we do.

Yes, we do.

Your ideal woman.

She's got to be alive, right?

Yep.

Breathing.

Breathing.

Alive, right?

Hair or no hair.

Either one.

Yeah.

Hey, man, I love them all.

Okay.

And you want breasts in between A and double D.

Okay.

Anywhere.

You want two legs. Yeah.
Two arms. arms, ten fingers, ten toes.
Perfect eyesight. And a massive beefy vagina.
Beefy? Beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy. Like layers? Not layers.
Oh, yeah, but you know it's layers out there. No offense to the layers.
It's not an armadillo. I'm saying, it's not scales, I'm just saying one beef chunk.
One beef chunk. One beef chunk.
Let us find, he's saying, we're not being, he's not being condescending. You can get laid, doc.
We know you can get laid. We want to find you love.
Intimacy. Someone that you really want to be with.
Just share yourself with. You know what I mean? Your feelings.
Because you're a beautiful human and someone needs to, someone is going to want to come home to you at night. I have to something, though.
I feel bad about this. My family, like my aunts, especially my great aunt, they're a little step above you all.
Sorry about that. I'm finished.
All right. Well, fuck you.
No, no, no. Fuck you.
Fuck you. Number one.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck you. Yeah, y'all down here.
That's number one. Now I don't hope you fall in love.
Yeah, yeah. You cocksucker dare you Your aunts are above you What the fuck does that mean You fuck face It is what it is bro To you You feel more love And they're above us You respect them more than us I don't know what their skill Okay, but we're very- I don't know what their skill sets are.

Yeah, what do they do?

What do they do that's so good?

Are they hilarious touring comedians?

We talk on the phone often.

My great honor talked to her every day.

I would talk to you every day if you didn't bombard me with UFO pregnancy scares

at nine in the morning.

You know, man, I'm not good at texting.

I don't even like texting.

No, I'm fine with you not texting.

But if you're going to text me,

don't make me feel like something happened

and then tell me there's a pregnancy scare with UFOs.

Just don't go that route.

Hey, man.

I was just scared to talk about it on the podcast.

No, you could text me and go, what up?

How are you?

I'll respond.

We'll have a chat.

Yeah, that's true.

That's true.

But you know what?

Okay.

He will, too.

What positive changes do you want to make in your life?

Yeah. What are your character defects? Do.
What positive changes do you want to make in your life? Yeah.

What are your character defects?

Do you have character defects that you want to change?

I want to lose weight, continue.

I have, my patience could be a little bit better.

Oh, you have road rage?

Yeah, man.

Like what's the worst thing?

No, you know where I have rage in the grocery store where I work at.

I just, man, fuck.

I'd be mad up in here.

Wait, why?

Why?

The people who bring their dogs in and shit, man,

I'm like,

Thank you. I have rage in the grocery store where I work at.
I just, man, fuck. I'd be mad up in here.
Wait, why? The people who bring their dogs in and shit, man, I'd be like, fuck, man. I don't know what the fuck.
Dude, they be coming in with goddamn gentleman shepherds. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Gentleman shepherds.
Yeah, gentleman shepherds. Oh, gentleman shepherds.
I'm going to get a little bit. Those are good breed.
I feel like those are the nicest of the ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Which is like a little weird that he would call them gentlemen i think that it's subliminal and i think there's something else that you're trying to express but i'll let it go we'll let it slide when people bring in dogs it makes you the most mad why does it shit and pee yes they do they yes they have they peed in the fucking middle of the house i said the dog is who cleans it up at the fucking one time i was at carney's who cleans it up the janitor so why do you care because it's not that it's when they have them they have them on a leash and they be in the way while you're trying to shop it's not like a fucking kid the kid just walks out the way but the dog dumb ass just be standing there like this no one call it dog dumb the fucking people the people who had a fucking dog i'm like fuck so why don't you say something why don't you go i go i said one time i told this lady i said hey excuse me your dog in a way she said oh okay get over here fido get over here and then she pulls him over to the side right and then i get ready to push the cart and the fucking dog went right back across and i said lady your dog's over there she looked back she's like oh he did it again i'm like yeah bitch he did it again yeah you're a homicide you're a homicidal, are you fucking kidding me? You need help, dude. That's crazy.
I am very, very, very worried for you. Bro, that shit, dog.
Y'all don't care. Yeah, that woman.
That shit, man. Did you imagine the woman? She's like, it's just a dog.
It's a dog. Bro, they be all over and they be in the fucking way.
Man, y'all don't get it. Do you do that with babies, too? No, the babies.
I'll be i'm saying babies though i'll be like are you like your dog has no they the dog never knows to move the out the way that's right yeah well then don't go to a grocery store and in the philippines there's chickens and all kinds of yeah yeah yeah that is the grocery store it's just a room filled with live animals you gotta got to grab it and go. Oh, yeah, but that's cool, though.
But just, you know what I mean? No. So you don't get mad.
I know what you're saying. I don't know why you're so mad about it.
Yeah. Do I get angry shopping? Grocery shopping? All the employees do.
Oh, so this is a common theme. If you go to the Ralphs on Violin and Ventura, they have a dog.
I'm a Ralph. You also got the Uppity everything.
Fucking thing. I went to Air One today.
Air One's nice. Of course, we'll go to the Ralphs.
We'll go to Ralphs. I go to Rock and Roll Ralphs.
Can y'all pretend with me? God damn. Okay, so there's a sign when you go there.
It says no dogs unless service dog, please. So people are not coming in with service dog.
They're coming in with just their dogs. Right.
Ask for the that dog a service dog don't they have to show you don't they have a little vest on that I'm a service dog you know the law right the law is not allowed to ask no no you're allowed to ask but they don't have to prove they don't have to prove it so they can just say yes and keep walking and that's what they do this fucking chihuahua ain't a service man it could be on a scale of zero to ten how content are you with your life i'm about be honest with you i'm about a team you're very content yeah that's great for the dog thing except for the dog yeah that knocks it down there's life no but life throws you some curveball that's cool what's the biggest like gay circul killers how about this uh do you feel yeah do you set positive goals have you set goals for your work life relationships love and all that stuff yeah always do you have a vision board oh my god well you have a vision board i took it down because we had all we talked about it we talked about it oh yeah yeah we did talk about it what the fuck is they our minds. Yeah, we're losing our minds.
Yeah, exactly. Well, we're interested in trying to get to the core of you, but you're so closed off.
You're just such a brick. Can I tell you something that happened to me at Air One? And I want to see if you would get angry at this.
Do you know Air One? What is that? Yeah. Okay.
It's a fancy health food store. Look at this.
It's spelled weird. You've probably seen that sign.
It looks like Ear Juan. So I want to get a peanut butter broth smoothie.
Let's do that again. Maybe I'm...
Dude, I felt it for a second. Yeah, you felt it.
Bob? I'm waiting in line, right? There's a guy ahead of me, right? And probably five minutes I'm there, right? And there's other people gathering on this other side afterwards. And then an employee comes up to me and she goes, that's not the line.
The line's there, right? But I was there before the three. Oh, I don't like this.
That was already in line. I don't like this.
So I go, oh, I fucked up. Well, I guess I get to go next.
Obviously. Obviously.
Because I've been fucking waiting here. But that's not what did the people cut you off they go no in the back no yeah fuck you yeah and i did that and then now i'm trying to do like my meditations you know calm breathe live in the moment it's okay just be mindful you know i'm trying to do all that but i'm just rage just coming out of my eyes right and then the ladies that said that's the line she runs to open up the other register to do me yeah right and i go no i'm waiting in this like a fucking asshole why wouldn't you let her go why wouldn't you let her do that for you no why because i should have been next i know but she wanted to make you first it doesn't matter she should have said have said, excuse me, guys.
He waited in the long, he was there before. You should go here.
Well, let's get her fired. Yeah, that's what I want.
Let's get her fucking fired. Now, if that happened to you, what would you do? I would have a good call.
All right. But would you have waited in the line or would you have said something? I would have said something.
See, I don't say things. Do you say things? You better fucking bother.
You nuts. Andrew? You know me.
He fucking pops off. I'm the first one that says something.
But I do it in a way that's like, it's bullyish but disarming. Where like if that happened to me, I'd go, oh, that seems unfair.
And then someone would be like, oh, and I'd go, that's weird. I thought for sure I'd been waiting.
All right, I mean, this is fucking stupid. Passive aggressive.
Right, passive aggressive. Weird.
It works. I know.
Oh, so you think they'd be like oh well excuse me no someone goes someone will go oh were you were you and i go yeah i was waiting and they this was fucking but i blame it on other things so i don't make the people feel bad but everyone i blame it on the system everyone heard the transaction i know right so we all know who did like if i if i was in line and then i heard i would have been oh no do your, dude, you're next. Like if I was in the line and I heard that.
Yeah. I would have been like, no, you go ahead, dude.
Because you were waiting. But let me tell you something.
Most people don't have spatial awareness. Most people aren't, don't.
You know what else I do? If I'm in line and the guy's up back at me, like if I have a bunch of shit and there's a guy in back at me with one olive oil. Let him go.
I'll just, is that all you're getting? He's like, yeah, go ahead. I do that every time're fucking assholes he would never do that that guy's gonna hold that goddamn bottle until i get through my goddamn 90 groceries that's what he's gonna piece of shit i gotta go i can't be waiting you're a human garbage dude i just thought you were just an alien i didn't know you're an asshole i saw independence.
You wouldn't let a guy with one fucking thing go in front of you? For what? Just because this kid, let him knock it out. He doesn't want to wait for all your shit.
He should have came at a different time, bro. Like I passive aggressively like call out places that I didn't like the way they treated me or I didn't like their system of doing things.
You remember? Do you remember when I had my old podcast by the Target on La Brea? Yeah. And so we walked by.
I'll never forget. Bobby walked by.
There's a fancy invite-only clothing store right there. It's hidden.
You wouldn't even know it's there. It's super fucking high-end, and you can only go there if you have an invite.
There's a guy in a suit that stands outside. It's like La Brea where the Target is.
And I go get Bobby parked down that street and bobby's smoking a cigarette and he goes what's this man and the guy in the suit's like it's a retail shop and he and bobby already was pissed off and so he's smoking he's like what do you mean i want what is it what is it what are you selling and he goes it's invitation only and bob's like i could get an invite i could get a lot of invites if I needed I could get invites today right now

he's so frustrated

why am I such an asshole

and then he keeps smoking

and he goes

I want to be able to go inside

you were so fucking mad

and you go

and the guy's like

sorry it's invite only

and he was

he fucked us right off

I was like

come on Bob let's go

and as Bobby's walking away

Bobby goes

I'm famous

to me

I'm famous

I should be able to go inside

I never say that

yes you do

why would I say that

that's fucking ridiculous

I am famous

see Thank you. bobby's walking away bobby goes i'm famous to me i'm famous i should be able to go inside yes you do yes why would i say that's fucking ridiculous i am famous see no i'm kidding no you are famous and you're famous but you were mad you're famous you were so mad you couldn't get in there you were he was like yeah i don't like for the first 15 minutes of the podcast he was sitting there like this yeah why wouldn't that guy fucking let us into that i was like who gives a shit there's a a place in Los Feliz so Kevin Christie tells me you don't like being denied yeah Kevin Christie goes there's a clothing store in Los Feliz but I don't know if you'll be able to get in a clothes like this yeah yes but what it is is you have to ring a doorbell ooh right sexy and you know I rang, and I could see, like, a little thing opened.

They looked at me, and they just never opened.

They closed it back?

Yeah, and I remember just being furious because I was going to buy shit.

Yeah, a lot.

Probably a lot.

Yeah, a lot, right?

But it's like I hate that hoity-toity.

But you do like fashion stuff.

You would work hard to be in that world.

You like that world.

What are you talking about?

You like high-end shit that's tough to get. No, I like – here's my wardrobe.
Here's my preferred wardrobe. Really expensive T-shirts.
Beanies. No, my T-shirts are vintage sometimes, right? And sometimes they are expensive.
Very. My jeans are expensive, but I only wear only two pair through my whole life.
Okay. That's my rule.
All right. I'm wearing one of them now, one of them now.
I like weird shoes. You want to see a shoe I have now? Yeah.
Are those like Peloton shoes? What the fuck? Are those for biking? These are F1 shoes. What are these called? These look like these are for handicapped people.
This is like... I waited a week for those to come in.
Okay. I couldn't wait for them to come.
So what... Was this really expensive, this shoe? What are we talking? Be real.
A couple hundred bucks. Three? $250, maybe.
That's not expensive. Yeah, yeah.
Is it not? gucci gym now but i've had them what happened to them yeah well because i had that's when i was selling crack and give me the first mistake yeah that's the only time i'm just telling you all the truth that's the only time when you were selling crack you had gucci gym shoes don't you think that was kind of a red flag for the cops? Well, yeah, because we was the name of the Gucci Boys and anytime we wore anything Gucci, they would pull us over. So you took all this crack money and bought Gucci shit? Gucci, Fila, Fendi.
They changed the name of your fucking group and called it the Gap Boys. Yeah, the Gap Kids.
The Fila don't. Gap Kids.
The Gap Kids. You get your clothes there and that's who you are.
Yeah, but I had red Guccis were on the team of crack the crack squad the Gucci boys oh shit two probably about 250 or something like that 250 people selling crack on your team but in different areas but they're all Gucci boys but all the Gucci boys was like a total of probably about 250, I think. Well, now what was it?

Did you have to show up with Gucci when you went to the meetings?

So there's Gucci boys.

It's a gang in Michigan.

That was when I was younger.

See if you can look them up.

The Gucci boys gang, Michigan.

Detroit.

Detroit.

Gucci boys, Detroit gang.

I want to see what they look like.

What would your clothing gang be?

What would your brand design gang be?

It would probably be Fred Siegel. The Fred Siegel gang.
What would Rudy's be? City Target? Goodwill. The Goodwill gang.
The Goodwill gang. That actually sounds dope.
Where do you get your clothes? And this coming from someone with no fashion. I don't know.
I wear t-shirts. Gucci boys gang member found guilty of attempted first degree murder.
Oh, that's real. Carlos Wheeler, 28, been found guilty of conspiracy.
They're still probably going around. Yeah, they're still the younger guys.
Do you ever reach out to some of the old Gucci boys? Yeah, I got them on Facebook. Got a lot of them.
Dude, the gang is on Facebook. That's so fucking cute.
Yeah, it's cute. That's what Zuckerberg initially intended it for.

Gang meetups on Facebook.

Yeah.

Carlos Wheeler, Gucci boy gang.

Look, now we're getting clipped.

The government's going to listen to us for the alien stuff, and now we're going to get fucked by a gang.

Yeah.

Have you ever had a physically abusive relationship?

Has a woman ever struck you?

I had a girl throw a knife at me.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Why?

Because we were breaking up, and she was mad that I was breaking up with her. She threw a knife at me.
That's the worst. But her aim was so bad.
It hit like the fucking other wall. I was like, what? Yeah.
Holy shit. I'm definitely out of here.
If she would have hit me, I might have stayed. I think that's one of the worst things to do.
What? Because I've been in every relationship aside from Kalilah. I was always the one that had to break up.
And I always do it out of nowhere. Right.
There's no like, you know what I mean? There's no like clue. It's at like an anniversary dinner.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, baby, you look beautiful.
We're done. But it's like, I hate like i hate that conversation yeah the breakup because you could see them try to process it you know what i mean and just start thinking like what did i do what did i do you know what i mean and what the fuck is and it's like the worst confrontation it's it's the worst have you ever broken up with somebody never you've he's never been with anybody how do you yes you've never been in a real like well you've never been in a real dude i've known you forever i've never seen you hey man this is my girlfriend that's never happened when i was selling crack my girlfriend oh here's the girlfriend i ever had yeah yeah she one time i lost a drug dealer's uh drugs and she gave me money for it man so you're a real one Nicky appreciate you is she alive where is she at yeah she's still alive she's actually a dentist she's on a dentist oh she's a dentist yeah of the city of Detroit yeah man how these two there was two roads in the woods yeah boy did you take the one last time or Or go to dental school? I don't know.

A road emerged in the woods.

That's more like my realest girlfriend,

but after that, I just saw other guys.

Have you had to dump people, Rudy?

My first boyfriend, I just ghosted him.

Hell yeah.

She would.

There's no way you're having a conversation about it.

But since then, that's it, huh?

That's it.

Have you been dumped?

No.

Yeah. Well, I mean, your first person- You can tell she's never been dumped.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What was his name? No, I don't- He's not a- He's not a- What if he listens? Well, then fucking- Yeah, yeah. What's his name? What's his name? I hate his name.
Yeah, what is it? What is it? Yutu. Yutu.
The band? Yutu. The whole band.
His name was Bano. Bano.
He was international. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He doesn't name Edge. I don't think he's weird.
So wait a minute. So Yutu, you dumped Yutu.
Yeah. Why? What did he do? Because he was like very clingy.
Oh, yeah. He was too...
You were like... You're very independent though.
You don't like people to be you like your space I have an aversion to thirsty people like a desperation well you like to see what they do though you do like to see wild thirsty people in the wild what do you mean you like to watch you like to engage with thirst like you like to if there's thirsty comics or something like that no I don't like it you fuck with them i'll fuck around with them right but it's not like you know i have to give you an example go ahead and say it so last time last night i saw just put your hand over your mouth okay you see yeah why don't you move your mouth and then i say it oh that's great's great. That's really good, Doc.
Yeah.

So. No, you gotta open your mouth, dude.

When I fucking do it, you open a

ventriloquy. What kind of doll are you, man?

Yeah, yeah.

So, I'll do this to let you know when

to say it. Does he know who the name

is? That's what I was going to

run over there and say, whisper it to me, then I

come back. Yeah.
So.

So. No, you don't.
The doll. Oh, my God.
Dude, the doll doesn't talk. I'm the voice.
You're just a doll. You just open your mouth.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Wait a minute. Wasn't this your idea? Yeah, it was.
I got. This is your idea, dude.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking forgot.
How the fuck did you fuck up your own idea? I fucking lost it Alright, so Let's do it Maybe this will be better, right? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Bobby and his doll Doc! Let me introduce you guys Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage. Bobby Lee and his doll, Little Black Magic.
Yeah. Hello, everybody.
I'm Bob, and this is... No, I'm talking.
Oh, that's right. That's right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm...
Let's... Stop.
This guy's so dumb. All right, so check it out.
This is insane. So when someone does a ventriloquist act, right, the guy talks as well, right, as himself.
Like he welcomes the shot, right? And this is not. And then when I do this, right, is when you talk.
But you don't have to do the mouthpiece when I'm talking because that would make no fucking sense. Okay.
All right. All right.
Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, Bobby Lee and Lil Black Magic.
It's really good to be here at the Mirage. What do you think of the Mirage, Doc? I thought you did.
Oh, yeah, that's right. Now you fucked it up.
Now you fucked it up. I've been drinking.
Two dummies Alright

So anyway

We bid you adieu

Go ahead

Really good to be here

At the Mirage

What do you think

Don

Thank you for being

Our own friend

Love it Yeah. Woo.
Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.