Bobby Has Night Sweats and Brad Pitt Fever Dreams

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Speaker 2 You two are

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 You know where I am right now, man? Who are you, dog? COVID-19 Bomb Elite 2022 Wuhan, dog. What's up?

Speaker 2 From the streets of San Diego, Powway, California, what's up, man? What's up?

Speaker 2 The Titans are in the house, dog. Are we going to keep our mask on the whole time, Rudy? No, keep your mask off, dog.
Yo, dog, be like Herman Kane, dog. Herman Kane, dude.
What are you gonna do, Rudy?

Speaker 2 You gonna keep it on?

Speaker 3 I mean, I have immunity for like four months since I got COVID last month.

Speaker 2 I know,

Speaker 3 but I don't know about you.

Speaker 2 You can't get it from that distance, dog. Says who?

Speaker 2 Since Fauci, brah. You know how crazy it is how annoying you and Kalila were during the whole pandemic? You guys were so fucking annoying about fucking everything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then now it's like, yeah, go do the podcast when you got COVID. It's insane.
Bro, I was working, brah. What is this bullshit accent that you've got? Sorry, I'm back.
All right, there it is.

Speaker 2 I have COVID, man.

Speaker 2 Tell everybody what's going on. Are we rolling yet or no? Yeah, he was rolling, man.
And we're going to keep all that in, dude.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm super sick right now, man.

Speaker 2 I'm not myself. How stupid is this that we're doing this episode while you're like this? But we waited all week.
Dude, I got... First of all, number one, dude.
Dude, let me talk to you, bro.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm listening. I'm right here.
Shaka. Oh, are you a Shaka guy now? Because you bought a house in Hawaii? Shaka, dude.
Does everybody know this that we talked about?

Speaker 2 I said you guys bought a house in Hawaii. Aloha.
How big is the house? It's a condo, dog.

Speaker 2 Wakaliki, wakaliki. What the fuck is this thing that you're doing, right? I'm sorry, man.
Be you. I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 He was listening to Tupac and Emin.

Speaker 2 Oh, this is when you do your rap days.

Speaker 2 This is when you do your rap days. I'm just gonna get influenced by the music I listen to, man.
All right, we'll get okay. Get it out of your system.
No, get it out of your system.

Speaker 2 Be the rap guy that you want to be. Go.
What's up? What's up? up?

Speaker 2 I'm gone. I'm good.

Speaker 2 That's enough. So you're not going to be able to do it then? No.
I thought for sure you would.

Speaker 2 So what happened was I was doing Tiger Belly last week or whatever, and Gilbert, he comes in, right? He's like,

Speaker 2 he gives everyone COVID, me and Kalila.

Speaker 2 And dude, I was so sick, man.

Speaker 2 Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I just don't even remember it. It was a fucking blur, bro.
Did you take monoclonal antibodies?

Speaker 2 Well, Trump took it.

Speaker 2 You know what you told me. Bobby called me for the fans at home.
Bobby called me and said, I want to do the thing that Trump did.

Speaker 2 Oh, Bobby, just kick that camera.

Speaker 2 Hold on.

Speaker 2 Oopsie.

Speaker 2 Oopsie, Daisy.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, dude. I haven't left the house in a week.
No, I know, but yeah, I know. And I'm sick, so it's like,

Speaker 2 I'm just happy that you're sick and we're together. Yeah, I don't even know.
I think this is a great idea. Take your mask off.
Absolutely fucking not. Fuck you.

Speaker 2 What is your aggro-fucking attitude right now, dude? Because you got COVID and you're dancing around thinking, who cares? I know you're still going out and fucking around with COVID, aren't you?

Speaker 2 No, no. I can't.

Speaker 2 Tonight, we were supposed to do the goddamn comedy jam. I have to go.
Right? Did we not? I had to cancel that. I canceled all week.
I also had a show at the improv tonight. Had to cancel that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right? I canceled all week, bro. So, no, I haven't been going out.
Have I been going out? No. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, I fucking believe her. This is the fucking first time.
Yo, dog.

Speaker 2 How come you're just getting into hip-hop now? So you're so late. It's so late.
And you're getting into hip-hop.

Speaker 2 Do you know any, do you, like, you know, Tyler the Creator just run another Grammy for album of the year? He was great. Have you heard that album? No.
What's it called? I don't know.

Speaker 2 I just said no, man. Have you heard it?

Speaker 2 who are you talking to

Speaker 2 you talking to who you talking to who you talking to man i don't like when you challenge me man you're not a good friend dude i'll tell you why i'll tell you why because you got you were so free free fiddly diddly you were so friddly diddly when the pandemic goes up no i wasn't yeah you're golfing you're hanging out with your fucking white friends

Speaker 2 golfing you can be outside you could you could golf you're hanging out with your white friend doing fantasy football bullshit at bars i wasn't gonna i don't do fantasy football whatever watching the game whatever that game is outside we watch it outside whatever you got it right dog yeah and you know what i didn't subject you to it i didn't do i didn't subject you to it dude it's we have to put out a podcast this is our business

Speaker 2 right so i'm going and and we have to get it done by tonight we're doing it so how the are we gonna do it fancy fancy i didn't want to do it i'm fucking sick i know but you're doing you're doing a great job oh god did you get a fever yeah man i got the whole thing dude i got night shivers i started started sweating.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. I had fucking dreams about...

Speaker 2 Do you have fever dreams? Yeah, I had a dream about Brad Pitt. And he was just like, I'm a big fan of your comedy.
And I gave him a hug.

Speaker 2 And I just started following around this fucking party and stuff. And then I ran into Dove Davidoff.
I knew it was him because he has cross eyes.

Speaker 2 And I saw him from a party. I go, that's white guy.
It looks like a fucking, you know, those pinheads? Yeah. From the fucking circus back in the day.
That's what Dove Davidoff looks like to me.

Speaker 2 And I go, what's up? And he said, what's up? And then, um,

Speaker 2 that's it. That was a dream.

Speaker 2 I went to my jacket off. Are you on steroids? You're so fucking antsy, it's crazy.
No, I haven't been. What the fuck, man?

Speaker 2 Let's be real, dude. What's going on?

Speaker 2 I'm just so upset that you have COVID. I know, I know.
What is going on? You, I feel like you're criticizing everything I'm saying, every move I'm making.

Speaker 2 Every move you make,

Speaker 2 every every step you take

Speaker 2 every single day

Speaker 2 every time i pray bobby i am gay

Speaker 2 i'm gay gay i wanted to come out and tell you i'm gay you're gay you're gay rudy how's the house been with with all these covet patients dude don't do that

Speaker 2 what's up why are you coughing out just cough into your shirt if you're gonna cough

Speaker 2 This is such a bad idea to do this episode. No, it's not.
It's going great. He's coughing out loud.

Speaker 2 It's going great. Whose mic is that? Docs? That'll be good.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, Bob, you all got me sick again.

Speaker 2 Yeah. When he comes back, he's going to be sick.
How's it been at the COVID ward house?

Speaker 3 When I found out about it, I was kind of happy that they got it.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 I was a little happy too, because it's what you'd get for talking shit to everyone else, right? Yeah. Isn't that nice? Air High Five.

Speaker 3 But to Bobby has been really dramatic.

Speaker 2 Oh, no shit.

Speaker 2 In what way, you fucking ungrateful bitch? Don't, don't. We're not doing that today.
You ungrateful bitch. In what way? Come on.

Speaker 3 I just have to do everything because he keeps

Speaker 3 making excuses that he's so sick. He can't move.
He can't do anything.

Speaker 2 I have to do all of it. That's right.
So listen. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I want to tell you how happy I am that you've graduated to like a car guy now. Do you want to tell everybody what you did this week and what I helped you do?

Speaker 2 Come on.

Speaker 2 So here's the deal. I have never had a nice car ever.
Correct. Right.
I've always had Priuses. Ask anyone at the comedy store, parking lot guys.

Speaker 2 For the last 30 years, I've just, the hood is off, the window's broken. They're always worth about five grand, 10 grand, maybe

Speaker 2 max, right?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I liked it. I smoked in it.
I shit in my car, like literally shit. Yeah.
Right. I pee, I put burritos all over the place, pepperonis,

Speaker 2 all kinds of stuff. And And I always just used a car just to transport me from one place to another.
You know how cars do. Sure.
They transport you. Yeah, the minimal.
The minimal.

Speaker 2 You just want here to here. It doesn't, everything else doesn't matter.
But I quit smoking.

Speaker 2 And I look at your fancy cars.

Speaker 2 And I went, man,

Speaker 2 I should give myself, you know, a nice thing. So I bought it.
I bought an Audi Sportsback A5 standard.

Speaker 2 But I matted it. We got it matted.
Black matted and tinted the windows. It looks pretty dope.
It looks real nice. So sexy.
Sexy. And now do you feel a little bit more special?

Speaker 2 Do I look like when I was driving today? Pretty fucking special.

Speaker 3 Yeah, a lot of people were looking at the car.

Speaker 2 They look at it. Yeah.
Well, she got coffee and I stood outside my car and leaned against it like James Dean does. Oh, wow.
James Dean does. And I crossed my legs like this.

Speaker 2 So you lean and cross your legs like a candy. And I pretended I had a cigarette.
I was going to say, can we get you candy cigarettes? Maybe you can. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I was, and this kid from T-Mobile came up and he goes, That's still around, huh?

Speaker 2 I don't know what T-Mobile is. Is that

Speaker 2 Pep Boys? Did they say cell phones? Oh, it is? Oh, I have no idea. The only person that we know that has it is Eric Griffin.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you being real? Yeah, and that's just because cricket went out of business.

Speaker 2 Shut up, Tito. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 then I asked you who

Speaker 2 you know

Speaker 2 that could mad it, and you said,

Speaker 2 I said this guy. I got the guy.
And he's amazing. He's incredible.
He really is amazing.

Speaker 2 The place looks really nice. I mean, if you look around, there's like old Rolls-Royces he's fixing up and forces.
So

Speaker 2 I got him from Tommy Segura. Segura gave me his information because he's done all his cars for him.
Oh, wow. And he was like, anything you need, this guy can do literally anything.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He's hand-rebuilt cars. They'll rebuild them from nothing.
Yeah, he's my guy for life. Isn't that wild to think that we have no skill like that? We have zero skills outside of being funny.

Speaker 2 I have more skills outside of being funny. Name any fucking skill you have outside of funny.
Go. I can tell you the difference between good sunflower seeds and bad sunflower seeds.
I'll tell you that.

Speaker 2 How do you know? What's the giveaway? It's the Christmas of the shell, right?

Speaker 2 What the nut tastes like. You know what I mean? Sometimes the nut is chewy.
That's not good. It's stale.

Speaker 2 You like hard nuts.

Speaker 2 I've had

Speaker 2 a human nut in my mouth, so I know nuts more than you do. What does a ball taste like? If you put a man's testicle in your mouth? It's like a dried squid.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. They take a dried squid, dip it in water.
Right. Kind of like that texture.
Don't look at her. You better not know what balls in your mouth taste like.
You know what happened to her?

Speaker 2 She was on a date. When?

Speaker 2 Last week. Just let me finish.
She went on a date. I'm not going to say his name.
He's He's cute. None of the guys that she hangs out with that she dates, right? What does that mean?

Speaker 2 Why'd you do this?

Speaker 2 Because dating to me implies that he's trying to woo her and court her and go to movies and dinners. There's a couple of dudes she dates.
That's not that.

Speaker 2 What does that mean, Rudy? Explain it.

Speaker 3 That

Speaker 3 we just

Speaker 2 fuck.

Speaker 2 I don't like that. I don't like it either.
It's so disgusting. As your Tito, okay? As your, as Papa Santino, I just, we're not going to talk about it anymore.
Just tell me you're being safe. Yes.

Speaker 2 Okay. That's all I want to know.
You never raw dog.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 2 I try to say it so nicely.

Speaker 2 I was like, are you being responsible? He's like, do you ever get fucking smashed out raw dick? Okay. You get raw dick down?

Speaker 2 But none of these guys knows who she lives with, what she does, any of it. Some of them have to know.
No, they don't.

Speaker 2 You're saying not one guy you've been on a date with knows that you're on the show? No. But, so this is the funny thing.
How do you meet them?

Speaker 3 Online.

Speaker 2 There's no fucking way. They don't look at your Instagram.

Speaker 3 I have another Instagram.

Speaker 2 So she has two, right? Her regular one, which is no followers. And the bad friend Rudy.
The bad friend Rudy has 100,000, but she doesn't tell people about that. She's ashamed of it.

Speaker 2 Are you really ashamed of this show?

Speaker 3 I just don't want them to know because I don't want, I don't know. It's a weird thing.

Speaker 2 I thought they were like proud of this thing that we built.

Speaker 3 I am.

Speaker 3 I just don't want them to know immediately

Speaker 2 about it.

Speaker 2 That's shame. She's ashamed of mom and dad.
She is. All right, go ahead.
So anyway, what? So this kid doesn't know it have anything to do. So they're at In-N-Out, right?

Speaker 2 Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A.
And

Speaker 2 sorry. So good.
So good. What sauces do you get?

Speaker 2 Let me guess. Polynesian?

Speaker 2 Do you get the Chick-fil-A sauce? Yes.

Speaker 3 That's it.

Speaker 2 That's it? Yeah. Fucking snooze fast.
So they're at Chick-fil-A.

Speaker 2 So a guy that worked there

Speaker 2 went ape shit when he saw her. Rudy!

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Can I take a photo, please?

Speaker 2 Right? And then, so she takes a photo with him, right? Yeah. And this kid who has no idea is like, are you famous? Oh, no.
Yeah. What do you say to that?

Speaker 3 I just said, kinda.

Speaker 3 But then. That's true.

Speaker 2 You are kind of famous. Kinda.
Yeah. 100,000 followers is a fucking lot.
A lot.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but yeah, he just, he got really shocked.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 But now she has the power. Ooh, yeah, yeah.
Right, right. Now it's like, Chick-fil-A, no, take me to fucking Maestro's.
Yeah, Mastros.

Speaker 2 Say, take me to Mastros. I don't think he has a lot of money.
Not your fucking problem. Yeah.
You're famous now. Say, put it on the card, bitch.
Put it on a credit card.

Speaker 2 When he says, when he says, listen, I only have $45 to spend on dinner, you're like, not my problem. Get the credit card out.
Yeah. And let's go to fucking Mastros.
Does he pay for the Chick-fil-A?

Speaker 3 No, we have.

Speaker 2 Fuck that. Oh, my God.
He can't even play the full Chick-fil-A.

Speaker 3 I want to pay half.

Speaker 2 No, you don't. No, you don't.
No, you don't. No? Yeah.
First of all,

Speaker 2 no. No, you don't.
I want to say this too. Yeah.
I keep telling you, have I not told you this, right?

Speaker 2 You have a power. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 2 And I remember being 19, 20 years old, right? Yeah. And just like, whatever a girl wanted, you know, run 30 miles that way and pick up a piece of rock and bring it back to you.
You got it. I got it.

Speaker 2 How big is the rock? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could be a boulder.
I'll die. I'll bring it.
I'll die. I'll break my back.
Yeah, yeah. They'll find my skeletal body with a boulder on top of my body.

Speaker 2 But also, this guy is paying, only paying half. But if you start blinking this guy, he then has to pay for sure.
Yeah. That's the definite rule.

Speaker 2 From now on. Yeah.
Right? Okay. Then when you guys watch movies together at the theater, does he go half half?

Speaker 3 He pays for the movies.

Speaker 2 What does he do? What does he can? We not say what he does to meet him. No, he's in college.
Oh, so he doesn't have any money. They're in class together.
Yeah. Would you ever pay for the whole bill?

Speaker 2 Would you ever go, let me get this?

Speaker 3 Um, maybe if I invited him to a date, not him.

Speaker 2 Right, but have you ever invited a guy on it? Have you ever asked a guy on a date? No, no, so it's never gonna happen. No, this is the thing, though.
From now on, you have to know as a woman,

Speaker 2 you it's very noble of you to pay half.

Speaker 3 You don't have to. But I feel guilty, though.

Speaker 2 Do I? For what?

Speaker 3 I don't know, because it should be equal.

Speaker 2 The reason why there's men's cologne, the reason why there's fancy cars, the reason why there's like nice jeans. Guys don't want to do any of it.
Here it is. The reason why there's anything

Speaker 2 is because of vagina. Of vagina.
That's what I'm doing. Yeah, that's why there's buildings.
That's why there's anything. Yeah, yeah.
A skyscraper, vagina. This desk.
Yeah, yeah. Corporations, vagina.

Speaker 2 This guy that built this for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He started building stuff to get vagina. Yeah, yeah.
Vagina is everything. It's better than crack.
It's everything. Heroin.
Everything.

Speaker 2 Opiates all together. Everything.
It's better. Vagina is like all your worst and favorite things rolled into one.

Speaker 2 Vagina is like,

Speaker 2 it's like riding tatsu

Speaker 2 when you're feeling just the most elated and free and in love.

Speaker 2 When you can't get vagina, you start shooting people. Yeah, you have to.
God is vagina. God is vagina.
When they say Jesus and the Lord in the Bible, they're talking about vagina. They are.

Speaker 2 God is vagina. Jesus is the clit.
Yes. The Holy Ghost is the butthole.

Speaker 2 Right? So you have the power. Look, I think it's noble of you to pay.
I agree. But if you don't want to, here's my thing.
If you're hooking up with a guy, he has to pay. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 If a girl is willing to put a penis in her mouth, the guy should pay. I think that's the rule.
Yeah. Yeah, like, because who wants a penis in their mouth? It's so weird and gross.

Speaker 2 Also, I've never have, honestly, be honest with me. Go for it.

Speaker 2 Before you were married, when you were single, Andrew, which is a scary thought.

Speaker 2 Very scary thought.

Speaker 2 It's like a fucking wild animal on the fucking, in its land, hunting down prey. Okay.
Anyway, that's who you are. You're a fucking alvar.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I'm the gazelle.

Speaker 2 I'm the gazelle. Broken leg.
I'm the predator, and you're the prey. I am a prey.
And sometimes the prey gets a little bit of scraps. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Definitely me. Yeah.
But, right, I have never

Speaker 2 gone halfies with a woman.

Speaker 2 On a date? I've always paid. Never once.
Never once. Although I will say, I almost made a girl pay.
Me too. I have a clause too.
Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Here's how I was. So I went on a blind date.
I think I literally talked about this the other day.

Speaker 2 I went on a blind date. I took a bus from Culver City to West Hollywood.
I didn't know West Hollywood. I knew it was a gay neighborhood, but I didn't know, no.
Yeah, I was new to Hollywood.

Speaker 2 And this girl was like a hookup, a blind date through a friend, and she suggested one of those places on Santa Monica, like,

Speaker 2 you know, the Rusty Manhole or

Speaker 2 God, what was it? What's it called? Trunks. Or one of those.
But this was the Mexican one. It was the Mexican-themed gay bar.

Speaker 2 Right? And I didn't know. What's it called? Well,

Speaker 2 Fancy's got to know. What's it called, Fance? What's the Mexican gay bar? Black Bean.
The Black Bean.

Speaker 2 got and i gotta tell you i went there i'm super comfortable and open with my sexuality i don't give a fuck about any of that shit but in the middle of the date she's getting wasted dude it's like 2 p.m right and the guy comes over he's like somebody's ready to party and she's like more drinks and he's like okay next round's on me but you guys got to do body shots and i was like no i'm okay i didn't want to drink anyway right And she.

Speaker 2 Is she hot? She was very good looking. Yeah, yeah.
And she kept being like, come on, do it. Don't be so annoying.
What, they didn't turn you on? To do body shots off of a guy?

Speaker 2 Off a guy.

Speaker 2 The server was saying, I'll buy the round. You have to suck it off my fucking chest.
Oh, I thought, shoot, you would have. I thought they were like, oh, wait, wait, what's my bad?

Speaker 2 I thought the liquor was going to be on her. That would have been fine.
All right. No, I didn't know.
I didn't know. I didn't know.
No, this guy was like, I'll take care of the round.

Speaker 2 You got a body shot. And of course, she did one.

Speaker 2 She's already blacked out. It's 2:30 in the fucking afternoon.
I should have known this girl was a fucking psycho. And she sucks liquor off this guy, this beautiful black man's abs.

Speaker 2 You know, the liquor got in the crevasse of his abs at like in it, like a little, like the LA River. Like, you know, when it gets a little bit of water

Speaker 2 and it like made its way down the channel, and she's

Speaker 2 slurping all of it. Oh, my God.
She's like, now you, don't be fucking annoying. Yeah.
And, and I, and I did.

Speaker 2 And I did. And I did a body shot off this guy.
Yeah. Were you laughing? You must have been laughing.

Speaker 3 Doesn't feel good

Speaker 2 for me or him? For you.

Speaker 2 You're this. You're just, you're just sucking off of a guy.

Speaker 3 By his abs.

Speaker 2 It was on his abs and his belly button. I licked his belly button too.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then she

Speaker 2 made

Speaker 2 nothing of it. So I went to great lengths and she was like,

Speaker 2 and I was like, cool. I better get some fucking head.
I just sucked that black guy's beautiful fucking abs. Yeah.
And she was like, she fucked me off.

Speaker 2 She was like not paying attention, didn't give a fuck. I thought, if I do this, I'm in with this girl.
She didn't care. And then she was like, what are you doing tonight? And I was like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 What are you you doing? She's like, I have plans. Maybe we can meet up later.
And I was like, this is, she's fucking me off. She's used me to get drunk and get lunch.

Speaker 2 So in my mind, I thought, should I ask her to pay half? I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. And I still paid for her.
I have a question for you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I remember her name was Margot Robbie.

Speaker 2 I don't know what she's up to, but I think she's.

Speaker 2 If there was a male comic that you had to suck liquor off their body, which one would it be? Jamar Neighbors.

Speaker 2 Probably the most sexy in-shape black dude yeah yeah probably jamar neighbors jamar neighbors i mean like eric griffin

Speaker 2 how can it stay hot i what where is he's got it's key pockets oh oh right it'd be like a fucking

Speaker 2 a river like a lake oh it'd be like a little pot like a little lake in a fiber bunch of big lakes oh you're right fat pockets of lakes but no who would you suck it off who would you do about a dozen like probably because you think he's sexy no does he know you have a little bit of a physical crush on him i don't have a physical crush on him you've told me before that that you think he's hot.

Speaker 2 You've said this off-camera. I think I told him that.
All right, so you do have kind of a crush on him, like a man crush. Yeah.
Like, you do find him attractive.

Speaker 2 And if, let's say, no one's in the main room, the door closes,

Speaker 2 and he's like, I'm thinking about having you suck me, Bobby. What are you going to do? No.
He's stronger than you, bud. He's no, but he's he's got like no upper body strength.
That's not true.

Speaker 2 He, you're, you're totally wrong. No, he doesn't.
He's like Ken Jong.

Speaker 2 Like, I'll break every from the waist up, he'll break every bone in his body do you think we can set up a match between you and kenjung to box or wrestle or something i would fucking destroy him well let's fucking do it then he won't do it why not that's just not his brand what's your what's what's his brand what's your brand my brand is anything goes what's her brand anything goes what's my brand anything goes what's fancy's brand

Speaker 2 kenjung

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Headspace, bro. Yeah.
I have a very difficult time relaxing, man.

Speaker 2 Well, I have so much anxiety and stress, and you know that's overwhelming and the fatigue that comes along with it. It's eroding my mental health.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, but Headspace, what it does for me is it's like, I like listening to relaxing, you know what I mean, their meditation music.

Speaker 2 I also like their soundscapes and stuff, like rain falling and stuff. I love rain falling.
Yeah, I like the interface of their app, right? The app is easy to use.

Speaker 2 And it's, by the way, Headspace is scientifically proven to help you manage your feelings and your mental health.

Speaker 2 In fact, a study that they had recently, it proved that in two weeks, Headspace can reduce your stress by up to 14%.

Speaker 2 That's pretty impressive because I got a lot of stress. And by the way, I haven't been pooping as much.
I'm going to be real with you. I love it.
From all my stress.

Speaker 2 And Headspace, stuff, Headspace is the way to get a clearer mind.

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They have all sorts of stuff on their app to try to get you in a better, hey, Headspace. You like that? I love it.

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That's right. That's headspace.com/slash bad friends.

Speaker 2 But your skin is frail. I have shitty skin.
Yeah, when we saw you at Magic Mountain, we were so concerned for you and your sister. I put on sunscreen three times.

Speaker 2 We thought you guys were going to just burst into fucking fire. I put on, don't you know I put on the screen? You're going to go, oh my god, there's Ghost Rider.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's literally how I thought you were going to burst into flames. I put on sunscreen multiple times.

Speaker 3 I was very scared. The skin is really different.

Speaker 2 It is different.

Speaker 2 It's weak. It's weird.
It's weak, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? What's weak about my skin? It just looks like not

Speaker 2 suitable skin for outside temperatures. Don't talk about my fucking skin, pal.
Yeah, yeah. What about my skin? Yours is, honestly,

Speaker 2 it's so multicolored, too. It's the best.
Because there's parts that are red, there's parts that are yellow, there's parts that are white. Yeah.
Let me see your palms. What's a palm?

Speaker 2 Inside of your hand.

Speaker 2 See, that looks like a white guy's hand. Thank you.

Speaker 2 I purposely did that.

Speaker 2 So when I wave, right?

Speaker 2 And they don't see my face and they wave. They think I'm a white guy.
I have our next adventure, by the way. I know we did six flags already.

Speaker 2 We're going to a NASCAR.

Speaker 2 So check this out. I got an email from a buddy who was like, we've got the hookup VIP for you guys.
I already did that, though. Not with her.
What's that? NASCAR. Do you know what that is? Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 So it's... That guy Bush, what's his name? Kyle Bush.

Speaker 2 His last name's Bush. Yeah, Kyle Bush.
He put me in a car once. Did you drive it? No, I went to a a NASCAR racing event, and before his run, I did a run with him.
Wait,

Speaker 2 I think it's Kyle Bush, right? It's one of the Bushes. Kyle Bush, yeah.
He's an American professional. So what they do is

Speaker 2 a NASCAR is, well, it's just a car, but they go around in a big circle. Super, super fucking fast.
But all the party happens on the infield. That's where you have drinks and food.

Speaker 2 Let's do it. Because I can get, they literally were like, they want to give us free tickets and all that stuff.
Let's go. You down? Do you like fast cars? A lot of Trump supporters.
Huh?

Speaker 2 A lot of Trump supporters. You mean righteous Americans?

Speaker 2 Let's just look. That's it.

Speaker 2 I just want that to sit. I bought a house in Mar-Lago, by the way.
Did you really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Did you see that clip of Trump, by the way? It was so funny. There are these guys called Gays for Trump.
There's an organization called Gays for Trump. And they go, Mr.
Trump over here.

Speaker 2 He's at Mar-Lago. He's like doing a speech.
And they're like, it's Gays for Trump. And he goes, Where? Who?

Speaker 2 Where? And then he points. And one of the guy goes, right over here.
And he goes, you? You don't look gay. No.
And the guy goes, we are. And he goes, yeah, well, I'll take it.
It was awesome.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. The gays for Trump, baby.
Yeah, I know one. But let me tell you something.
Yeah. We're going to go to a NASCAR.
You're going to really enjoy it.

Speaker 3 Is it scary?

Speaker 2 No, you don't do. No,

Speaker 3 but you said it's so fast.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you're nowhere near the cars. They just go in a big swoop.

Speaker 3 Oh, you're not getting in the car?

Speaker 2 We can get you in one of the cars. No, it's fine.
In fact, you know what? We should take her to a place where she can get into a car.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I want to do one of those, like a bumper ride kind of a thing. No, no, no, no, no, no.
You know where we should go?

Speaker 2 Down to Porsche has a track, and you can actually, like, drive in a Porsche with a professional driver. Would you do that?

Speaker 2 Around a track? Would you do that, Bob? Yeah. I've done stuff like that.
Yeah, but this is, like, not just a circle. This is going to be like...
I'm just saying, I've done stuff like it.

Speaker 2 All right, you're the best. I hate when you do that.
You're the best. You've done it all.
No, I've done a lot. I would have skydived.

Speaker 2 Skydove? Or dived? Divided. Skydive it.
Yeah. Should we go bad for skydiving?

Speaker 3 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Not a lot. Why? Why are you guys so shaking your fucking head? Why wouldn't we go skydiving? What's wrong with that?

Speaker 3 That's too scary. That's too much.

Speaker 2 The chances of the sky. What are the chances of dying skydiving? What are the odds? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me the odds. Let's see.
I'll play by the odds.

Speaker 2 What are the odds of dying while skydiving?

Speaker 2 Let's see this. According to the most recent data gathered by the United States Parachute Association, there's some bias.

Speaker 2 Of the 3.3 million skydives that are completed, there are 15 skydiving fatalities. Based on this data, that is.00045% chance of dying on a skydive.

Speaker 2 The statistics for dying on a tandem skydive are even less. So if you go with your.0045%.

Speaker 2 Okay, what are the chances of dying just regular, just living your life?

Speaker 2 Can I tell you? Yeah. 100.

Speaker 2 You have 100% chance of dying.

Speaker 2 Interesting. Yeah, you're going to die.
100%. There's literally.
No, like right now.

Speaker 2 What are the chances Bobby Lee dies right now?

Speaker 2 According to the census of Asian American

Speaker 2 comedians,

Speaker 2 so the AAC,

Speaker 2 Bobby Lee has a 0.025% chance of dying. So that's a 2.5% chance.
Or no. All right, so let's skydive.
So it's worth it. Let's do it.
All right, let's go. You're going.
You're going to go.

Speaker 2 But you go tandem. You go with a coach.
You go with a guy. You're like a trained professional.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. You're not scared.

Speaker 2 I mean, it would be so scary, but I'll do it. How fun.
It'll be fun. Fancy, you got to do it.

Speaker 2 You got to do it, Fancy. I'm serious.

Speaker 2 I have to catch the you guys landing. Oh, he wants to film it.
Oh, he has to film it. No, but.

Speaker 3 No, he needs to be part of it.

Speaker 2 He needs to be part of it because Pete can film. Because Pete probably can't go off.
Yeah, yeah. He's too big.

Speaker 2 He'll fall right to the front. For planes like this.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we'll go in a circle.

Speaker 2 We take off and we just keep going.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Pete, you got to get off the fucking. Stay in the middle of the fucking plane, Pete.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 before we do that,

Speaker 2 right, we have to do Superman's Revenge. No.
Yeah, we got to go back. Yeah, yeah.
We got to do Superman's Revenge, and then we'll do skydiving.

Speaker 2 And I think this year we really should amp it up and go to like Not Scary Farms when we get to Halloween.

Speaker 2 I think we should go to Knottsbury Farm. Do you know what that is?

Speaker 3 Yeah, but I've never been there.

Speaker 2 I think we need to go. Do they have rides there? Yes.
But scary ones? I don't know. I don't know.
I mean, not like six flags, I don't think. Yeah, but who goes there? Little kids and families and us.

Speaker 2 Oh, really? Well, we're family. That's true.
Is this not our family? That's true. Don't you feel like as we've grown, this is more...

Speaker 2 Like when I called you the other day, and to check in on you like I did every fucking day. Tell the audience that I really have been a good friend and checking on you every day.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're not been the best guy to check in, but.

Speaker 2 Who's checked in? Who's checked in of your friends? Who's checked in on you? Dominic Monaghan. Dominic Monaghan, the actor? Yeah.
How many times did he call you? Every day.

Speaker 2 Did he say he was going to bring you stuff? Yeah. Did he bring you stuff? No.
No. Did you? I asked you, would you like anything? You said no.
He offered Legos.

Speaker 2 I offered food. I said, Bobby, can I bring you anything? Yeah.
And I said, I'll go get you.

Speaker 2 I said, I'll get you steak from fucking Mastros. I'll get you whatever you want.
Can I get you anything? And you said, no, don't. Yeah, but for a hobbit that I barely know to do it,

Speaker 2 I mean, he has to travel from Middle-earth.

Speaker 2 I don't know where he lives with Pippin, but. Well, he's got to get on one of those big, what are those things that they ride, too? Those elephants.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 those elephants. Can he just, does he call it?

Speaker 2 And it comes running down? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Is it on standby?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Oh, you know what? No, you know how he travels? How? Those Those large eagles.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? What? Those large eagles.

Speaker 2 Remember when,

Speaker 2 remember when, you know what I mean? Frodo and Samwise Gamgee?

Speaker 2 That you thought they were going to die, but then Gandalf, I don't know the wizard, though. Who swooped in?

Speaker 2 Because what happens is Gandalf has to take a moth

Speaker 2 and whisper it.

Speaker 2 Right? Ooh, I like it. And then the moth has to fly out.
You've never seen those. You have to watch those movies.
Lord of the Rain. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, we haven't talked about the slap, have we? No, but we've talked about it. It's been ad nauseum.
I talked about it so much already. It's like,

Speaker 2 you know what? I think Will Smith was in the right.

Speaker 2 After a week, that was the conclusion. Yeah, because I'm so tired of it.
Now I'm like, yeah, no, it was, yeah. Well, it's just because I, you know, just real quick comment on it.

Speaker 2 Is that you know, this is a guy, James O'Brien, who has a radio show in England. It's a call-in show.
And a lot of people from England that called in especially were on Will Smith's side. No way.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Saying what? Citing what? There's literally.

Speaker 2 We know, you know, it was guys calling us that my wife has the same disease. So? Right.
It's not a disease, by the way.

Speaker 2 Alopecia. Yeah, it's like a condition.
A condition. It has the same condition.
You don't die. Nobody dies.
I understand that.

Speaker 2 But women, right, care so much about, you know what I mean, how they look and their hair, and it becomes a very self-conscious thing, right? Okay.

Speaker 2 They look in the mirror and they, you know, think when clumps of hair are coming out of your head. Imagine.

Speaker 2 I mean, I can only imagine imagine Kalila, my girlfriend, walking to the bathroom and her holding a chunk of hair and crying and going, oh my God, it looks so ugly or whatever people go through.

Speaker 2 But you still wouldn't use violence if somebody made a joke about it. Because I physically can't.
No, because you know better. That's a psychotic move what he did.
That's crazy person shit.

Speaker 2 That's Scientology being like, you are King Richard. Become King Richard.
He's a fucking psychopath. And during his fucking acceptance speech, the nutbag was like, love makes you do crazy things.

Speaker 2 Like, no, it doesn't.

Speaker 2 You fucking nightmare of a human being. I'm not agreeing with it.
I'm just saying what people's point of view is. But people are dumb.

Speaker 2 I don't listen to people because they don't know what the fuck most people are fucking. It was assault.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Straight. And also, on top of that, you can't just smack a dude in the face.
If you're a performer,

Speaker 2 Will, you should just, that's like the biggest no-no.

Speaker 2 When somebody's performing,

Speaker 2 especially when you're a performer, to bombard a stage like that is just so fucking...

Speaker 2 If Will yelled out from his seat, shut the fuck up, and got serious, I would still have respected that because I was like, oh man, he's got something going on.

Speaker 2 He was upset about the joke, and the joke wasn't good and nice, and blah, blah, blah. I would have got, people would have gotten over it.

Speaker 2 But the fact that he walked up there and physically did something, you're like, just yell in your seat, go, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Or afterwards, grab his arm because you know him and go, can I talk to you? Talk to him backstage and go, don't ever do that shit ever again. And I need to tell you?

Speaker 2 Or that message would have been stronger because now Rock is on tour and I bet he's lighting his ass up.

Speaker 2 he is yeah well that's what he's gonna get now and now will now will has to fucking disappear or he walks up on stage will start a mic zenus zenus spaceship or whatever the fuck he grabs a mic and he he does a joke back or he he starts around parents just don't understand he starts doing old no or he just he basically says listen you know what i mean my wife has alopecia and she's very self-conscious about it and i just think that that was you know not cool and they just walk off stage yeah and that would have been even more awkward there

Speaker 2 It just says no way to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He should have broke out into a song from Wild Wild West, and that would have been, I think everybody would have forgiven him.

Speaker 2 Somebody said to me the other day, though, and Fancy will probably go in and out on this. Someone goes,

Speaker 2 Will Smith is the most respected

Speaker 2 actor who's transcended race and class. And like, dude, everybody loves him of every color,

Speaker 2 everywhere you come from. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But he's not that good of an actor. And I was like, well,

Speaker 2 and I literally couldn't think of one movie where I I was like, wow, he was so good. And that movie was so good.
He was good in King's Richard.

Speaker 2 You didn't even see it. You didn't even see it.
That's how I know you're a fucking liar. You didn't even see it.
You won an award. Nobody saw it.
He won an Oscar. Nobody saw it.

Speaker 2 It was a clip that they showed where he was like, you know, oh, he was crying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a good scene. Who the fuck cares?

Speaker 2 Name one movie he made that you go, he was a great actor and the movie was great. Oh, um,

Speaker 2 six degrees of separation. Not a real thing.

Speaker 2 Seven degrees? What was the movie called? Six degrees of separation. Six degrees of separation.
Did you see it, though? Yeah. What is it about?

Speaker 2 Well, it was 20 years ago. I forgot.
Okay, so he's been.

Speaker 2 But he was, I remember watching it going, because I remember him being in Fresh Prince and him transitioning into movies and going, this is not going to work. Right.
But it's like, you know,

Speaker 2 what's his name in the lighthouse? Batman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. One of those movies where you go, oh, this kid got skills.
Okay, so my point is, fancy can attest to this.

Speaker 2 He's never made a movie where he was a great actor and it was great. I just said there was one, but anyway,

Speaker 2 Suit of Happiness. He was pretty good at it.
Suit of Happiness was fine. The movie was fine.
Yeah, bad boys.

Speaker 2 But okay, but these are action movies. Are you better than him? As an actor, you better believe it.
You better believe it. You better believe it.
You better believe it because I believe it.

Speaker 2 But you're not.

Speaker 2 No, he's awesome. I think he's incredible.
I loved Will Speaker. Yeah, yeah.
I've always loved him. Bad Boys was amazing.
I think Men in Black was incredible. I'm just saying,

Speaker 2 he was never a great actor. He's just a lovable, awesome dude.
Yeah, he was a great actor.

Speaker 2 In what? You named a movie 20 fucking years ago. He's very charismatic.
He was like a Tom Cruise type. Correct.
Charismatic. Tom Cruise actually is a great actor.
I'm sorry, but he is.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but he wanted to get his roles. He can't because Tom Cruise is a better actor.
But here's my argument, though, dude. And little white guy, huge buff black guy.
Big difference.

Speaker 2 I hate it when people go, Keodo Reeves isn't a good actor. He's a great actor.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 He is.

Speaker 2 He is awesome to watch. He's amazing.

Speaker 2 I believe him in every movie. Yeah.
Right? Because he's playing. No, it doesn't matter, right? It's like point break.

Speaker 2 I know what it's like. What's the through line of point break of Bill and Ted?

Speaker 2 John Wick. What's the through line?

Speaker 2 He was good in Glasshouse with Sandra Bullock. Sure.
Okay. Sure.
Movie tanked, but yeah. He was was in another movie called, it was a simple plan or one of those kind of movies.
Simple plan.

Speaker 2 Was that that? Yeah. Where he played a really bad guy.
Yep. Yeah.
He was amazing in that. He's a great actor.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I'm just saying, right, that anyone that can hold an audience, right, that can lead a movie and have

Speaker 2 years of

Speaker 2 a career.

Speaker 2 I mean, Keanu, Will are both examples of that, right? They're great actors, great leading men, and I believe everything they do.

Speaker 2 And I will always, maybe not will now, but I will always buy a ticket to watch Keanu Radio. Yeah, me too, but he's amazing.
But I love him. Great actor.
And I'll still support Will Smith, by the way.

Speaker 2 I don't give a shit, dude. You know I'm down for violence.
You know I'm right, and just tell me I won that argument. He's not a good actor, and Fancy can attest that he's not.

Speaker 2 You really fucking are going to offend me because I have COVID, and I know what you're trying to do. What am I trying to do? You're trying to provoke my fucking COVID.

Speaker 2 I want to get your heartbeat up so you get a heart attack. Right.
I'm going to cough on your face. Imagine how hard I'll punch you if you do.
Imagine. Think about it right now.

Speaker 2 I'll punch you so fucking hard the mat will come off your car. The mat finished.
It'll be fucking hard. All right, let's not do that.

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Speaker 2 I like that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway. Who's your favorite actor, Rudy Jules?

Speaker 2 I'm not good with movies.

Speaker 3 Don't ask me that.

Speaker 2 I said your favorite actor, just a person that you like. It's funny because the other day we watched, she'd never seen Truman Show.
Oh my god.

Speaker 2 So like 45 minutes into the thing, I go, do you know what's about? She goes, I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 2 I was confused. Did you figure it out at some point? I had to tell her.

Speaker 3 No, I said that.

Speaker 2 I had to tell you. I had to fucking tell you.

Speaker 2 Do you know what's going on? I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 3 I said, oh, he's in the show. And then after like 10 minutes, you said, yes, it's in the show.

Speaker 2 No, but I know, but you didn't know. You go,

Speaker 2 who is he? What's going on? Yeah, I didn't know. You knew that it was a show, but you didn't know that he didn't know that he was on a show.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I didn't know he was born and didn't know what's happening.

Speaker 2 Ed Harris, by the way.

Speaker 2 Dude. Ed Harris is so good in that movie.
I know.

Speaker 2 it's like annoying where you're like this guy is so believable as this sociopath who's puppeteering human beings yeah but you you still like him yeah how crazy how crazy that he's love okay now there's a great actor that's a good actor ed harris is a fucking superstar actor i can't watch him why

Speaker 2 because he's pale because of two moments oh no what are they Number one moment, right? If you watch, he did a movie called History of Violence. Love.
Okay.

Speaker 2 If you watch the press conference of History of Violence,

Speaker 2 he does a panel with the other actors. He does something where they had to shut everything down and they had to end the fucking press conference.

Speaker 6 Well, here at this panel, sitting next to me.

Speaker 2 He seems fine.

Speaker 6 And director, Mr. Ed Harris.

Speaker 2 Love that, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Ed?

Speaker 6 You wanted to add anything? Watch. Not particularly.

Speaker 6 I mean, yeah, you did do that. I'd like that.
That.

Speaker 6 No, because

Speaker 6 what is that?

Speaker 6 What is that? You know?

Speaker 6 What is that?

Speaker 6 What is it? What is violence? What is it?

Speaker 6 You know, that's what the movie's about.

Speaker 2 Absolutely love that.

Speaker 2 He's making an example of what violence is. He shocked the room.
That's what the movie was about.

Speaker 2 I absolutely love that clip.

Speaker 2 i see nothing wrong with that guy what's did you see anything wrong with that rudy yeah that was scary

Speaker 2 that was scary the guy said the movie is called the history of violence yeah he just showed what violence can do yeah but the population and he didn't do it to anybody else will smith he didn't smack anybody that is that the lesson that's the lesson if you want to be a crazy actor yeah display it yeah don't hurt other people yeah on it you know joe told me right about on it and i've been taking it, and I think it's right.

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Because you did it for you. I did it for myself.

Speaker 2 I did it for you and I did it for Ruby. I never did it for you, but I did it for me.
Yeah, you did it for you. And I did it.

Speaker 2 All you have to do to get started is go to boxofawesome.com and your answers when you take this little survey was going to help them pick the right box of awesome for you.

Speaker 2 And they release new boxes every month. It's actually very, very cool.
I've gotten the outdoor box that I got last time included like a travel bag, a knife, which I'm a big knife guy. I love knives.

Speaker 2 And also, I got the carnivore one. Well, you like the carnivore one because you're a little meaty boy.

Speaker 2 The American barbecue rub and the carnivore box is made by the great American Spice Company in Roxford, Michigan. And I love Rockford.
You know that. Shout out, Midwest, baby.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is cool. The Box of Awesome is incredible.
And I'm telling you, you're helping a small upcoming brand. Free to sign up.
You can skip a month or cancel at any time.

Speaker 2 Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code bad friends at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com, code bad friends, for 20% off your first box.

Speaker 2 Boxofawesome.com, code BAD Friends.

Speaker 2 Let me say this. Yeah.
You've never seen a great actor of that caliber that isn't loopy. Name one.
Right.

Speaker 2 Marlon was loopy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the loopiest. The loopiest.
One of the loopiest. They used to call him Mr.
Loopy when he would come to set. Meryl the Strip is the only one.
Yeah. Who'd you say? Meryl the Strip.

Speaker 2 Meryl Streep, we just haven't seen the truth yet. We haven't seen the truth yet.
We haven't seen the Will Smith moment because they all haven't. Yeah.
But he, but his snap.

Speaker 2 Meryl has done all the right things for so long. I cannot wait until somebody says the wrong thing and she whips out a tit

Speaker 2 and squirts it. This is milk.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is milk. All right.

Speaker 2 All over a fucking reporter's face. What is that?

Speaker 2 That's milk.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's milk. Yeah, yeah.
But did you see the fucking press? He goes, okay, that's the end of the press conference. Maybe he wanted to go home.

Speaker 2 Maybe Ed was like, if I fucking freak out, I can get back to the hotel faster. Yeah, but his energy before that, I just, that's what my dad used to do.
It's like, well, smiling. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Everything fine, right?

Speaker 2 Hey, Bubba, how are you? I love it. Come here.

Speaker 2 Like that kind of switch. Yeah.
I don't like it. I know.

Speaker 2 Every great actor does it. But I don't want to watch it now, but anyone listening, watch The Rock Bloopers.
He does even more uncomfortable shit.

Speaker 2 And as a director, I would just be like, okay, we're going to call it a day.

Speaker 2 I would have just called it a day.

Speaker 2 You can't rap the day. Yeah.
It's the same thing that Christian Bale did when he went on that rant. Yeah, but that, but I got to tell you something.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What is that sound guy doing walking around?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Fancy takes the side of Christian Bale, don't you? It is distracting.
It's remarkably distracting when you're trying to get deep in character. And you know what? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What the public doesn't know that we heard afterwards was they already had an interaction. where Christian had asked him politely, please don't move across the shot.

Speaker 2 Right. Two times.
Two times, I see. Okay, man.
Right. Now you know it's deliberate.
Yeah. Because you've been on set, you've been on set.
You know. It's a difficult job to be.

Speaker 2 It's all

Speaker 2 everybody.

Speaker 2 Everyone's trying their best. You know what sucks, though? I was on Magnum once.
Not the same kind of thing, but

Speaker 2 same sound of caliber. Same caliber.
Anyway. Magnum PM.
I was on Magnum once, and I remember people talking during one of my close-ups. It's hard.
And

Speaker 2 I wanted to do a Christian Bale, right? But I'm like, I'll get fired. There's no, I don't have the power or the provenance to do it.
So I just went, I'll just do it again, guys.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? But it's like, it is rude. It is rude.
I hate it. Speaking of which, we've just lost.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. We've just lost a great man

Speaker 2 in acting, in the world of acting. Who? Well, he's not dead, but we've lost him as an actor.
Bruce Willis, man. I know.
Aphasia. Do you know what aphasia is? No.

Speaker 2 Aphasia is, I think the definition is to be looked up because I'm stupid, but you basically, your communication skills go out the window so you can think stuff but not say it.

Speaker 2 Who's Bruce Willis? Who's Bruce Willis? All right, let's wrap this up.

Speaker 2 Let's get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 2 That was the craziest thing I've ever heard of. Who's Bruce Willis? Who's Bruce Willis? Bruce Willisk.
That's him. Do you have you seen him before?

Speaker 3 I think

Speaker 3 he was in Fast

Speaker 2 and Fast and the Furious.

Speaker 2 You think he was in Fast and the Furious? Fast and Furious?

Speaker 3 Not very.

Speaker 2 You think he's in Diesel?

Speaker 3 No, no, no, not him.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Do you think think it do you think that's ludicrous

Speaker 2 yeah yeah who do you think that is who do you think that is i don't know

Speaker 2 but i think he's in fast and furious was he ever in a fast and furious movie he was he was

Speaker 2 uh all right you know bruce willis congratulations how do we not know that i've never seen him yeah i mean i don't watch all the fucking fast and furious how would i know yeah yeah he's got a condition where he he starts to be able to not aphasia i think it's called a p-hsia maybe um I heard there was problems already on set or whatever, where he was like.

Speaker 2 Okay, so

Speaker 2 I told it

Speaker 2 a guy that I'm new, a guy that I don't know that well that works in our business, and who knows if this story is real.

Speaker 2 He says years ago, him and Sam Jackson were in Morocco.

Speaker 2 at a

Speaker 2 like a release party for something.

Speaker 2 And they were at this nightclub. And he's sitting at a booth and the bass is bumping so hard and it's so filled with people and everyone's rummaging about.

Speaker 2 A thing fell off the wall and hit him in the fucking head. Sam Jackson.
No, Bruce. Bruce Willis.
Yeah, and he had to be rushed to a hospital for,

Speaker 2 because his head sliced open his fucking head.

Speaker 2 And he says that.

Speaker 2 with all of these stunts that he did amongst bashing up his body and his head is where maybe some of this could come from. I don't know if any of that's true,

Speaker 2 but they do say it can come from head trauma. Oh, really? That's a part of it.
It says it's either from head trauma, it's hereditary head trauma, or there was another thing that could have led to it.

Speaker 2 He also looks like he fuck, like die hard, but he fucks hard. So you think if he fucks so hard, his head is

Speaker 2 like banging his head. Well, because you know, they say your head moves around in your skull.
Like your brain, like a football player, their brain moves. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So if he's fucking hard enough, his brain is bouncing inside of that. Yeah, they should do a movie called Fuck Hard.
Well, that could be his last film.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And let me tell you something.
God bless Bruce Willis. That dude's the fucking ghost.
He's a legend. I have a sand that I have a Bruce Willis story.
Give it to me.

Speaker 2 So when I first moved to LA, this is in 97. 77?

Speaker 2 1977. Yeah.
No, 1990, 97, right? I was at the Chinese Man Theater. That's appropriate.

Speaker 2 I'm going to let it go. They just named it after you.

Speaker 2 Really funny, if I'm going to let it go. That's fine.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So, um. You're at the Wong Theater.
What? You're at the Wong Theater. Okay.
Oh, do I suppose to be across the street? No, this is the Wong Theater.

Speaker 2 Bang the gong, Wong. All right, go ahead.
All right.

Speaker 2 Clip that.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Don't Shane Gillis, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just clip that. But anyway,

Speaker 2 I don't know what movie I was watching, but I see two gigantic bodyguards. Crouching tiger, hidden dragon, or something?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 So, anyway,

Speaker 2 you see two gigantic bodyguards.

Speaker 2 Can you get all the Asian jokes I ride on the way? Because they throw me off a little bit. I didn't have any.
That's all I had. Yeah, yeah.
That's all I had. Because you did the wong.

Speaker 2 The wong was good. Just give me the thing.
Anyway, two big guys. Were they sumo wrestlers?

Speaker 2 Keep it. Yeah, I like it.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. And so,

Speaker 2 and I go, wow, there's two guys in suits. And then behind them, I see a guy with bald head, and I realize it's Bruce Willis, right?

Speaker 2 And I kind of follow them, because I never, in my mind, have been around at that time. I've never seen a celebrity before.
You're brand new. I'm probably sure.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I knew like comics and stuff, right? But you've never been around a movie star. A movie star, like a real bona fide movie star.
True movie star. True movie star.

Speaker 2 And I follow them and there's an elevator that goes up somewhere. And they both, they get in, Brute gets in, and they won't let me in the elevator.
I literally follow them. I stalk them, right?

Speaker 2 And I smile, and he winked at me. And then the elevator closed, and they went up.
I never saw him again. So sexy.
But I just remember going, like, I just, I still remember it.

Speaker 2 You know, it was like, wow. Wow.
That was amazing. Yeah.
He's still, he's one of those guys.

Speaker 2 Because there's no star. Like, even, like, I've seen Oscar Isaac before.
Okay. You know what I mean? And I've said hi to him and stuff like that.
He didn't even look at me. But my point is to me.

Speaker 2 But my point is, I don't have that same awe

Speaker 2 anymore with people.

Speaker 2 Well, who could still make you feel that way?

Speaker 2 Is there a celebrity? It has to be like, it has to have, it has to come from an older era for you. When you were a kid.
When I was a kid. You know what I mean? So if I,

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Anybody with you?

Speaker 2 I think when I. De Niro.
Yeah, I think De Niro probably. De Niro.
Yeah, I think like

Speaker 2 Pacino. Yeah, but Pacino, but if I, but you know, if you met Pacino now, it'd be tough.
Why? Because I think he's a little.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He's a little there. Yeah, yeah, he's up there.
I think it'd have to be someone like that from my youth. Like, well, for me, Jim Carrey, and then

Speaker 2 when he became my boss, was

Speaker 2 that was very surreal. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I always felt like it was fake. I ran to him last week.
Where? Malibu. No,

Speaker 2 me and Kalila went to Keegan Michael Keyes' birthday party. Oh, nice.
And

Speaker 2 Jim Carrey was there

Speaker 2 standing there with Kevin Nealand.

Speaker 2 And when I walked in, it was a small group, maybe 60 people. Maskless, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but this is before Pen. I got COVID.
It was the Friday.

Speaker 2 Sure, maybe. Who knows? But go ahead.
Ron Howard was there. He definitely gave you COVID.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And once I walked in, I was just like, we were already uncomfortable. Too many famous people? Yeah, no, it was just like, it's too intimate.
And, you know, it's just not my deal.

Speaker 2 What do you mean by that?

Speaker 2 Well, because it's just not my, I'm not, I don't feel, like, if it was comics, it's one thing, but it's just like, it was just a bunch of like elements. I didn't know anybody.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you could get to know any of them. Right.
So anyway, we walked in and Jim immediately waves to me. Which makes me feel comfortable.
Yeah. I walk up, he shakes my hand.
I go, what's up, dude?

Speaker 2 And he goes, hey, man, Bobby Lee or whatever. And then he goes, and Kalila shakes his hand.

Speaker 2 And I just thought,

Speaker 2 I've always just thought he was like one of the nicest guys. He's so nice.
He is.

Speaker 2 He's lovely. But what was great is then I went right to the buffet because, you know what I mean? Sounds right.
And there was another guy there kind of mumbling.

Speaker 2 He's like, I don't know what I'm doing here. This and that.
And look up, it was Tony Hale. You know, Tony? I love Tony Hale.
And

Speaker 2 we hung out with him all night. I mean, he came to our table.
We just hung out all night. But anyway, that was my Jim Carrey song.

Speaker 3 I just watched a career and drama 2521 and i finished it today and it was so sad and i cried a lot did you cry today yeah do you cry a lot yeah but i'm on my period so maybe i'm more emotional good to know yeah

Speaker 2 i have been going on a cry fest yesterday do you see me crying when i was watching my ipad no yeah well i was who were you watching dude i watch um

Speaker 2 fathers holding babies for the first time oh no them bursting into tears oh my god or like I like reunion stuff. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Like when a soldier comes home and sees their kid.

Speaker 2 You want a really good cry video? Watch a guy get listened to sound for the first time with cochlear implants. I've seen that.
Do you know what that is?

Speaker 2 Or the glasses. Oh my god.
What color glasses? They can see for the first time? No, the.

Speaker 2 They can see

Speaker 2 for the first time?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Where they can see color for the first time. Yeah, yeah.
They can kind of, yeah. You know what I mean? It's amazing.
Like the old man, you know what I mean, putting the glasses on.

Speaker 2 He's never seen purple. He starts bawling.
He starts bawling.

Speaker 2 That makes you really take it. That really takes it for granted.
Because look how beautiful all these colors are, and some people can't see them. Yeah.
Look at me.

Speaker 2 I'm filled with color. I know you are.
And I can see you for the first time. You see me now.
Yeah, yeah. You see me, hear me now.
I'm a son. I am a son.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a son.
I'm a brother.

Speaker 2 Here's another thing that I want to say to you. Oh, okay.
Is that I really think that you and I should have way more gratitude in our lives. I agree.

Speaker 2 I don't think that I think you hold on to anger. And I think that you just...
Don't, don't, don't gaslight me. Don't do that.
Don't just say I hold on to anger. That's not real.

Speaker 2 I can get angry, but I don't hold on to anger. Okay.

Speaker 2 You don't hold on to anger, but you absorb it.

Speaker 2 And I redistribute it. You redistribute it through violence.
Correct. Okay.
That's why I tell you, I'm on Will Sports's side. But what I want to say is that when you see Undercover Boss.

Speaker 2 what a show. What a show.

Speaker 2 And, you know, when an employee does well. Yeah, and they give them a chance.
So, Emmanuel, what you did for me is you opened my eyes up, right?

Speaker 2 And this is, you know, all the, you know, difficulties that you've gone through your life, and you're still got a positive attitude on the floor. And I'm going to give you $300,

Speaker 2 right? And I'm going to contribute it to your college fund. Oh, let me tell you, I'm about to quit this job, bitch, so I'm out.

Speaker 2 Well, no, but Emmanuel,

Speaker 2 what I'm saying to you is that we want you at the job. I don't want to be at this motherfucker anymore.
I'm not trying to work for General Mills for the rest of my life, bitch. I'm out.

Speaker 2 But you were so great on the floor. Yeah, bitch, because I'm high as fuck.

Speaker 2 Well, Emmanuel, will you take the $300 and then

Speaker 2 give it to me, Cat? You got cash? Is it just a check? Well, no, no, no. Well, you know, we're incorporating.
Just Venmo me, bitch.

Speaker 2 Anyway, thank you. Venmo me, bitch.
Thank you, Emmanuel. Thank you.
Whenever those undercover bosses, it is funny. They're like, you're such a good little worker.
Yeah. We're going to give you $1,000.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And they think that's going to be the thing for these people.
You're like, but what I'm saying, though, make them CEO. You want to be a real boss? Yeah.
Swap. Swap.
You guys want to try it here?

Speaker 2 What's that? You guys want to try it here? Yeah, I want to try it here. You're fired.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Isn't that the right show? But what I'm saying, though, is you're fired. People are different shows.

Speaker 2 We need to be more grateful. Yeah, but you also realize that people

Speaker 2 have real struggles and stuff and you know a little helps you know i mean all right so let's do this then yeah i get a i get a i get barrages of messages to like fan pages or whatever that says bad friends has helped me tremendously during tough times yeah so we want to take a second to thank everyone for listening to the show for watching the show yeah and if we're helping you that means you're helping us we're doing this together yeah and if we need more gratitude what do we need to do then do you want to set up a foundation or something we should be do a foundation for some of our fans

Speaker 2 that are maybe uglier. So you want an ugly fan fund? Yeah, ugly fan fund so we can get cosmetic surgeries for people.
All right, so listen up.

Speaker 2 If you are a young. It's a Cliff Note.
What's that? What's that? A Cliff palette? A Cliff Note? No, it's a Cliff Note. Yeah, it's a B sharp.
A B sharp. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 2 A diminished B sharp, Cliff Mouth thing.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Then we will help with the surgery. Okay, how about this? I had a good friend who had that when we were young, by the way.
And it's a serious thing, so it's not funny.

Speaker 2 How about this? If you're an ugly fan, if you're a UF, we're going to start a UFF, an ugly fan fund, and we're going to raise some money. I think we might need to help out old.

Speaker 3 I want to join.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 what do you need to get done? A lot. I can swear.
What do you want to do? My ears.

Speaker 2 I love your ears.

Speaker 3 No, and my nose. You're beautiful.

Speaker 2 No, you're

Speaker 2 perfect. You're beautiful just the way you are.

Speaker 2 What nose?

Speaker 2 No. What nose? Anyway,

Speaker 2 let's do a real, let's do a real fun. A real fun for a fan.
If you have something, surgery that you can't afford,

Speaker 2 hit us up.

Speaker 2 I'm being genuine. Yeah.
I had a friend with a cliff note. Yeah.
And I didn't ever want him to smile.

Speaker 2 Why you saw all of it? No, no, because when the cliff, when people with cliff notes smile, the cliff opens up a little bit. It's a cleft palette.

Speaker 2 Cleft.

Speaker 2 A cleft. Cleft? A cleft note.
Is it a cleft note? I don't know what it is. You keep saying cliff notes.
You know, cliff notes are like

Speaker 2 with books, the cliff notes. Oh.

Speaker 2 I have COVID, man. I know, yeah.
I don't know what I'm saying. But why do you feel lately? What has been hitting you about gratitude for real?

Speaker 2 Is it because when you got sick, you thought, I'm lucky that I'm alive and life is good? I don't know.

Speaker 2 When you turn 50 and you get sober again, you know, and you just kind of look at your life and you just kind of go,

Speaker 2 you know, I should be the happiest man alive. Are you not happy right now, Bob? No, I'm getting there.
I want to get happy, you know, and so I'm just, you know, doing different things to get there.

Speaker 2 And it's, it's, you know, I've always, and I'm sure you know, you're probably similar, is we're always like, there's a carrot,

Speaker 2 you know, I had a, like, we're holding a carrot and we're constantly chasing it. Like a horsey.

Speaker 2 You're saying like the carrot is on our back and we're just no, no, like, you know, when you're a horse, you put a carrot in front of the horsey and the carrot walking. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And it's like... So we're horses and the business has the carrots.
Yes. And I don't want the carrot there.
You don't want the carrot at all anymore. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because it's like, there's nothing. I already have it.
You already ate it. But I'm always constantly thinking that there's a fucking carrot in front of me.
I agree. Right.

Speaker 2 But now what are you going to eat? That's true. Potato.
Potato. I'm going to put a potato in front of me.
Like a baked potato, right? And constantly taste that.

Speaker 2 That's what happens when you make a little bit of money. You just get fatter.
So it went from a carrot to a carb.

Speaker 2 You're a vegetable to carb. Yeah.
That's really what it is. But my point, though, is that, you know, we have to kind of go,

Speaker 2 this is it.

Speaker 2 This is good. Everything that I have is it.
This is it. Yeah.
That's like everything is pussy. It's the same thing.
Like, I was really bummed about, like, the show that you got that I didn't get.

Speaker 2 What show? Beef. Beef on Netflix.
Coming out, hopefully, this week.

Speaker 2 Right. So, like, I was,

Speaker 2 when I first found out, and I'm open, I want to talk about it. I'm only on three episodes.
It doesn't matter. I wanted it bad.
Why did you think you wanted it so bad?

Speaker 2 Because I like Ravi a lot, and I like A24, and I like Steven and Allie, and I like the provenance of the show, and

Speaker 2 I just wanted it. I auditioned for a couple times, and I didn't get it.
It's fine, but you know, I was bummed that, you know, no, I was happy that you got it. Congratulations.
I'm happy.

Speaker 2 I'm so talented. You're allowed to be bummed that I got it.
But I have to admit, there was, but that's where it stemmed from. Like, what am I...

Speaker 2 Here's the thing.

Speaker 2 One time when I was a kid, I started doing stand-up. I started with a guy named Freddie Soto.
I know Freddie. Well, go ahead.
Okay. And he passed.
One of the funniest guys I've ever seen on stage.

Speaker 2 But when we were younger, him and I did open mics together. Okay.

Speaker 2 And then a couple years down the road, he got a show. And I was living in San Diego.
He was living in L.A.

Speaker 2 He came down to do a show in San Diego. And he told me I got this stand-up show.
And instead of saying congratulations, he goes, how'd you get that? I want to it.

Speaker 2 And then he looked at me and he goes, No, congratulations. Like, what the fuck, man? Right.

Speaker 2 And I realized then it's like, that's not who I want to be. That's gross.
Who do you want to be?

Speaker 2 I just want to be happy for other people's success and just be happy with what I have. And then, like, that's it.
That's good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But, you know, sometimes I slip into a competitive, like, where's mine kind of a fucking mentality and I don't want to be there anymore. I like that a lot.
Yeah, yeah. So, um, congratulations.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 You just got picked up for a second season. Congratulations.
And a third, I think. Congratulations.
Oh, I'm getting a fucking phone call. Hello.

Speaker 2 No, I'm on the show, and I'm off. You know, I'm only doing a couple episodes.
Yeah. I'm really, literally barely on the show.
But I will say, it is daunting. It's all Korean.

Speaker 2 It's literally all Korean people. Yeah.
It's hundreds. We played basketball at a Korean church.
Yeah. And they took a photo.
Yeah. And it looks like I'm adopted.

Speaker 2 It's a hundred Korean people and me. Yeah.
It's weird, very. It's just amazing that I couldn't get a Korean child.

Speaker 2 I was

Speaker 2 a little shocked. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, you know, the roles were for us. That's even more painful.
It's okay. The carrot's gone.
The carrot's gone. And I'm happy to be where I am.

Speaker 2 And I'm grateful that I have what I have. How about this? The character's name is Bobby.

Speaker 2 I know that. I read it.

Speaker 2 The carrot is right there, baby. I know though, but I couldn't get it.
No, it's not that. I think it was more that.

Speaker 2 I'm not a good actor. No, it was more that you went away to rehab, which is the truth.
That is the truth. So, unfortunately, if we want to be true to the fans, it's that they know.

Speaker 2 I mean, you went away to rehab when they were doing that show, and then you. I also lost another movie.
You, but you had to focus on you, dude. That was more important.
I sucked, man. I lost

Speaker 2 this other movie with Zoe Dashinal. And I was in rehab, and they're like, you lost it because they were shooting and you lost.
So what? That's what I'm saying, is that... I know.

Speaker 2 I'm calm. Well,

Speaker 2 I'm fucking calm. What I'm telling everyone listening, right? Yeah.
Is that

Speaker 2 it's just everything is just meant to be and it's fine. If it happens, it happens.
It happens, it happens. It doesn't, it doesn't.
And it's like, I don't want to live like that anymore. I like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You're feeling more at peace now.
I'm trying.

Speaker 2 This is, I like this. You do? I just think maybe, maybe sobriety, your age, and COVID has kind of all combined to just level Bob out.
Maybe, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's good.

Speaker 2 Is there anything else you want to say or admit? Yeah, I'm so jealous of you.

Speaker 2 I want to kill you. Sometimes I want to kill you.

Speaker 2 Well, honestly,

Speaker 2 you're better than me, huh? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, you're better than me.
No chance.

Speaker 2 You know, there's one thing we did talk about. Me and David Cho talked about you.

Speaker 2 Well, we talked about you all the time, actually. Yeah.
You're kind of the point of conversation often.

Speaker 2 But he said,

Speaker 2 he said a lot of stuff about you.

Speaker 2 A lot of it good, a lot of it bad. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But I did say to him, you know,

Speaker 2 being along, and I'm being genuine right now. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Being along with you for this ride and as close as we've gotten over the past couple of years, we've been friends for years, but we've gotten so close. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I said, there's a side of you that he, David, or other people don't know that I do know.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to be honest.

Speaker 2 is that beneath the things that I fucking hate about you,

Speaker 2 and there's a bunch.

Speaker 2 There's things I don't like about you as well, but just. Just let me finish.
All right. Do you know there's a scene in Betelgeuse?

Speaker 2 Different movie, please? There's a scene in Beetlejuice where he's trying to dig

Speaker 2 in the fake world

Speaker 2 that Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin? Stephen Baldwin.
I love Baldwin Baldwin.

Speaker 2 Alec had made that little model. Wait, wait, Beetlejuice.
That's the one that he didn't kill anybody on. Anyway.

Speaker 2 And Beetlejuice was digging up the fake model, and he had to rip up all this ground. And it's very vivid in my mind because I watch a lot as a kid.
And he was digging and digging and digging.

Speaker 2 And I feel that way with you.

Speaker 2 I feel like I have dug past all of the bullshit that I don't like that I know is just you being you sometimes or being mean to me for no reason or saying fucked up shit for no reason.

Speaker 2 And then I get down to the guts of it all. And down inside is Betelgeuse.

Speaker 2 Is my sweet little lord of the afterlife. Yeah.
My little prince.

Speaker 2 My little spiky, weird-haired. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Your sister's hot. Oh, you fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 2 I should be genuine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know what I don't know that those guys is that you deep down are a super caring. I am.
What do you mean, deep down? It's on the surface.

Speaker 2 You don't have to go deep.

Speaker 2 The surface is bullshit with you. It's all bullshit.
What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 Can I say something? You bury yourself in your phone. You disappear from conversation.
You oftentimes go, blah, blah, blah, I don't care. Goodbye.
And you hang up the phone on me.

Speaker 2 You're short with me sometimes. You can be rude, dismissive, mean.
You can be a bully, even though you're tiny. You can be a bully.

Speaker 2 But really, what I've seen the last couple of years

Speaker 2 is a sweet, sweet, sweet man. A sweet, caring, loving little man who just wants to be around people that love him, that respect him, and enjoy him.

Speaker 2 May I say go to you now?

Speaker 2 Yeah, may you say go to me. May I go to you now? May you say go to me now.
All right, so um thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Google it

Speaker 2 every time you say Google, I think you're gonna say something else. Google it,

Speaker 2 Google it.

Speaker 2 A brand new server presented

Speaker 2 by Bobby. Google.
Google.