Bobby Has Night Sweats and Brad Pitt Fever Dreams

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Call 1-844-4OTESLA or visit Otes? From the streets of San Diego, Poway, California. What's up? What's up? The Titans are in the house, dog.
Are we going to keep our mask on the whole time, Rudy? No, keep your mask off, dog. Yo, dog, be like Herman Cain, dog.
Herman Cain, dude. What are you going to do, Rudy? Are you going to keep it on? I mean, I have immunity for like four months since I got COVID last month.
I know. But I don't know about you.
You can't get it from that distance, dog. Says who? Since Fauci, brah.
You know how crazy it is how annoying you and Kalilah were during the whole pandemic? You guys were so fucking annoying about fucking everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then now it's like, yeah, go do the podcast when you got COVID. It's insane.
Bro, I was working, brah. What is this bullshit accent that you've got? Sorry, I'm back.
All right, there it is. I have COVID, man.
I'm sick. I'm super sick.
Are we rolling yet or no? Yeah. He was rolling, man, and we're going to keep all that in, dude.
Dude, I'm super sick right now, man. I'm not myself.
How stupid is this that we're doing this episode while you're like this? But we waited all week. Dude, I got...
First of all, number one, dude.

Dude, let me talk to you, bro. Yeah, I'm listening.
I'm right here.

Shaka.

Oh, are you a Shaka guy now because you bought a house in Hawaii?

Shaka, dude.

Does everybody know this? Have we talked about this? That you guys bought a house in Hawaii?

Aloha. How big is the house?

It's a condo, dog.

Wakaliki, wakaliki. What the fuck is this thing that you're doing right now?

I'm sorry, man. Be you.

I'm sorry. He was listening to

Tupac and Eminem. Oh, this

is Waka leaky waka leaky What the fuck is this thing that you're doing right now I'm sorry man Be you I'm sorry He was listening to Tupac and Eminem Oh this is when you do your rap days This is when you do your rap days Sometimes I get influenced by the music I listen to man Alright we'll get Okay get it out of your system No get it out of your system Be the rap guy that you wanna be Go Sup what's up I'm good I'm good That. So you're not going to be able to do it then? No.
I thought for sure you would. So what happened was I was doing Tiger Belly last week or whatever.
And Gilbert, he comes in, right? He's like, he gives everyone COVID, me and Kalilah. And dude, I was so sick, man.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I just don't even remember it even remember it It was a fucking blur bro Did you take monoclonal antibodies? Well Trump took it You know you told me Bobby called me for the fans at home Bobby called me and said I want to do the thing that Trump did Oh Bob you just kicked that camera Hold on Oopsie Oopsie daisy I'm sorry dude I haven't left the house in a week No I know And I'm sick so it's like I'm just happy that you're sick and we're together Yeah Yeah, I don't even know.
I think this is a great idea. Take your mask off.
Absolutely fucking not. Fuck you.
What is your aggro fucking attitude right now, dude? Because you got COVID and you're dancing around thinking, who cares? I know you're still going out and fucking around with COVID, aren't you? No, no. I can't.
Tonight, we were supposed to do the goddamn comedy jam. I have right did we not i had to cancel that i canceled all week i'd also had a show at the improv tonight had to cancel that yeah right i canceled all week bro so no i haven't been going out have i been going out no yeah like i fucking believe her this is the fucking first time yo dog hell fuck how come you're just getting into hip-hop now so you're so late it's so late and you're getting into hip-hop that's a do you know any do you like you know tire of the creator just won another grammy for album of the year it was great have you heard that album no what's it called i don't know i just said no man you heard it who are you talking to you're talking to who are you talking to who are you, man? I don't like when you challenge me, man.
You're not a good friend, dude. I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you why. Because you got...
You were so fridly-didly. You were so fridly-didly when the pandemic goes up.
No, I wasn't. Yeah, you were golfing.
You were hanging out with your fucking white friends. Golfing, you can be outside.
You could... Golf is okay.
You're hanging out with your friends doing fantasy football bullshit at bars. I don't do fantasy football.
Whatever, watching the game, whatever that game is. Outside, we watch it outside.
Whatever, you got it, right, dog? Yeah, and you know what? I didn't subject you to it. I didn't do...
I didn't subject you to it. Dude, it's...
We have to put out a fucking podcast. This is our business.
Right? So I'm going... And we have to get it done by tonight we're doing it so how the fuck are we gonna do it fancy fancy i didn't want to do it i'm fucking sick i know but you're doing a great job oh god did you get a fever yeah man i got the whole thing dude i got night shivers i started sweating oh my god i had fucking dreams It was about...
Do you have fever dreams? Yeah, I had a dream about Brad Pitt.

And he was just like i'm a big fan of your comedy and i gave him a hug and i just started following around this fucking um party and stuff and then i ran into dove davidoff i knew it was him because he has cross eyes he does and i saw him from a party i go that's guy like i. It looks like a fucking, you know, those pinheads.
Yeah.

From the fucking circus back in the day.

Yeah.

That's what Dove David looks like to me.

And I go, what's up?

And he said, what's up?

And then that's it.

That was a dream.

I'm going to take my jacket off.

Are you on steroids?

You're so fucking antsy.

It's crazy.

No, I haven't been.

What the fuck, man?

Let's be real, real dude what's going on

i'm just so upset that you have covid i know i know what is going on you i feel like you're criticizing everything i'm saying every move i'm making every move you make Every step you take

Every single day

Every time I pray

I do, I am gay I'm gay. Gay.
I wanted to come out and tell you I'm gay. You're gay.
You're gay. Rudy, how's the house been with all these COVID patients? Dude, don't do that.
What's up? Why are you coughing out? Just cough into your shirt if you're going to cough. This is such a bad idea to do this episode.
No, it's not. It's going great.
He's coughing out loud. It's going great.
Whose mic is that? Docs? That'll be good. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, man, Bob, you all got me sick again. Yeah.
When he comes back, he's going to be sick. How's it been at the COVID ward house? When I found out about it, I was kind of happy that they got it.
Yes. I was a little happy too because it's what you'd get for talking shit to everyone else, right? Yeah.
Isn't that nice? Air high five. But Tito Bobby has been really dramatic.
Oh, no shit. In what way, you fucking ungrateful bitch? Don't! Don't! We're not doing that today.
You ungrateful bitch! In what way? Come on. I just have to do everything because he keeps um making excuses that he's so sick he can't move he can't do anything yeah to do all of it that's right so listen yeah i want to tell you how happy i am that you've graduated to like a car guy now do you want to tell everybody what you did this week and what i helped you do come on so here's the deal i have never had a nice car ever correct right i've always had priuses ask anyone at the comedy store parking lot guys for the last 30 years i've just the hood is off the window's broken they're always worth about five grand 10 grand max max right and um i liked it i smoked in it i shit in my car like literally shit yeah right i pee i put burritos all over the place pepperonis all kinds of stuff and um i always just used a car just to transport me from one place to another.
You know how cars do. Sure.
They transport you. Yeah.
The minimal. The minimal.
You just want here to here. It doesn't.
Everything else doesn't matter. But I quit smoking.
And I look at your fancy cars. And I went, man, I should give myself a nice thing.
So I bought it. I bought an Audi sportsback A5 standard.
But I matted it. We got it matted.
Black matted and it tinted the windows. It looks pretty dope.
It looks real nice. So sexy.
Sexy. And now do you feel a little bit more special? Do I look, when I was driving today, pretty fucking special.
Yeah, a lot of people were looking at the car. They look at it.
Yeah. Well, she got coffee and I stood outside my car and leaned against it like James Dean.
Oh, wow. James Dean does.
And I crossed my legs like this. So you lean and cross your legs like a cool guy? And I pretended I had a cigarette.
I was going to say, can we get you candy cigarettes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this kid from T-Mobile came up and he goes...
That's still around, huh? I don't know even what T-Mobile is. Is that...
Is that Pep Boys? Do they... It's a cell phone store.
Oh, it is? Oh, I have no idea. The only person that we know that has it is Eric Griffin.
Yeah. Literally.
Are you being real? Yeah, and that's just because cricket went out of business. Shut up, Tito! Yeah.
So then I asked you who you know that could mad it, and you said this guy. I got the guy.
And he's amazing. He's incredible.
He really is amazing. His place, the place looks really nice.
I mean, if you look around, there's like old like Rolls Royces he's fixing up and Porsches. So that's nice.
I got him from Tommy Segura. Segura gave me his information because he's done all his cars for him.
Oh, wow. And he was like, anything you need, this guy can do literally anything.
Yeah, yeah. He's hand rebuilt cars.
They'll rebuild them from nothing. Yeah, he's my guy for life.
Isn't that wild to think that we have no skill like that? We have zero skills outside of being funny. I have more skills outside of being funny.
Name any fucking skill you have outside of funny. Go.
I can tell you the difference between good sunflower seeds and bad sunflower seeds. I'll tell you that right now.
How do you know? What's the giveaway? It's the Christmas of the shell, right? What the nut tastes like, you know what I mean?

Sometimes the nut is chewy.

That's not good.

It's stale.

You like hard nuts.

I've had real human nuts in my mouth, so I know nuts more than you do.

What does a ball taste like?

If you put a man's testicle in your mouth?

It's like a dried squid.

Oh, okay. They take a dried squid, dip it in water.
Right. Kind of like that texture.
Don't look at her. You better not know what balls in your mouth taste like now.
You know what happened to her? She was on a date. When? Last week.
Just let me finish. She went on a date.
I'm not going to say his name. He's cute.
None of the guys that she hangs out with that she dates, right? What does that mean? Why did you do this? Because dating to me implies that he's trying to woo her and court her and go to movies and dinners. There's a couple of dudes she dates.
That's not that. What does that mean, Rudy? Explain it.
That we just... Fuck.
I don't like it. I don't like it either.
It's so disgusting. As your Tito, okay? As your, as Papa Santino, I just...
We're not going to talk about it anymore. Just tell me you're being safe.
Yes. Okay.
That's all I want to know. You never raw dog?

No.

Okay.

I try to say it so nice.

I was like, are you being responsible?

He's like, do you ever get fucking smashed out raw dick?

Okay.

You get raw dick down?

But none of these guys knows who she lives with, what she does, any of it.

Some of them have to know.

No, they don't.

You're saying not one guy you've been on a date with knows that you're on this show?

No.

But, so this is the fun part.

How do you meet them?

On the next slide, lives with what she does any of it some of them have to know no they don't you're saying not one guy you've been on a date with knows that you're on the show no but so this is the fun how do you meet them online there's no fucking way they don't look at your instagram i have another instagram so she she has two right her regular one which is no followers and a bad friend the bad friend has a hundred thousand but she doesn't tell people about that she's it. Are you really ashamed of this show? I just don't want them to know because I don't know.
It's weird. I thought you were proud of this thing that we built.
I am. I just don't want them to know immediately about it.
That's shame. She's ashamed of mom and dad.
She is. All right, go ahead.
So anyway, what? So this kid doesn't know have any,

so they're at In-N-Out, right?

Chick-fil-A.

Chick-fil-A.

And, um, sorry.

So good.

So good.

What sauces do you get?

Let me guess.

Polynesian?

Do you get the Chick-fil-A sauce?

Yeah.

That's it.

That's it?

Yeah.

Fucking snooze fest.

So they're at Chick-fil-A. So a guy that worked there went apeshit when he saw her Rudy right can I take a photo please take a photo right and then so she takes a photo with him right yeah and this kid who has no idea is like are you famous oh no yeah what do you say to that? I just said, kind of.
That's true. You are kind of famous.
Yeah. 100,000 followers is a fucking lot.
A lot. Yeah, but yeah, he got really shocked.
Oh, yeah. But now she has the power.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Right, right.
Now it's like, Chick-fil-A, no, take me to fucking Maestro's. Yeah, Maestro's.
Say, take me to Maestro's. I don't think he has a lot of money.
Not your fucking problem. Yeah.
You're famous now. Say, put it on the card, bitch.
Put it on a credit card. Yeah.
When he says, when he says, listen, I only have, you know, $45 to spend on dinner, you're like, not my problem. Get the credit card out.
Yeah. And let's go to fucking Maestro's.
Does he pay for the Chick-fil-a no we have fuck that oh my god you can't even play the full chick-fil-a i i want to pay her no you don't no you don't no you don't no yeah first of all no no you don't i'm gonna say this too yeah i keep telling you have i not told you this right you have a power yeah all right And I remember being 19, 20 years old, right? Yeah. And just like whatever a girl wanted, you know, run 30 miles that way and pick up a piece of rock and bring it back to me.
You got it. I got it.
How big is the rock? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could be a boulder.
I'll get it. I'll bring it.
I'll die. I'll break my back.
Yeah, yeah. They'll find my skeletal body with a boulder on top of my body.
But also, this guy is paying, only paying half. But if you start boinking this guy, he then has to pay for sure.
Yeah. That's the definite rule.
From now on. Yeah.
Right? Okay. And when you guys watch movies together at the theater, does he go half-half? He pays for the movies.
What does he do? What does he do? Can we not say what he does to make money? No, he's in college. Oh, so he doesn't have any money.
They're in class together. Yeah.
Would you ever pay for the whole bill? Would you ever go, let me get this? Maybe if I invited him to a date, not him. Right, but have you ever invited a guy on a date? Have you ever asked a guy on a date? No.
No, so it's never going to happen. No.
This is the thing, though. From now on, you have to know as a woman.

It's very noble of you to pay half.

You don't have to. But I feel guilty, though.

Why?

For what?

I don't know, because it should be equal.

I understand.

The reason why there's men's cologne, the reason why there's fancy cars, the reason why there's

nice jeans.

Guys don't want to do any of it.

Here it is.

The reason why there's anything is because of vagina. Of vagina.
That's why there's like nice jeans. Guys don't want to do any of it.
Here it is. The reason why there's anything.
Yeah. Is because of vagina.
A vagina. That's the only reason.
That's why there's buildings. That's why there's anything.
Yeah, yeah. A skyscraper, vagina.
This desk. Yeah, yeah.
Corporations, vagina. This guy that built this for us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He started building stuff to get vagina.
Yeah, yeah. Vagina is everything.
It's better than crack. It's everything.
Heroin. Everything.
Opiates altogether. Everything.
It's better. Vagina is like all your worst and favorite things rolled into one.
It's like vagina is like, it's like riding Tatsu when you're feeling just the most elated and free and in love. When you can't get vagina, you start shooting things.
Yeah, you have to. God is vagina.
God is vagina. When they say Jesus and the Lord in the Bible, they're talking about vagina.
They are. God is vagina.
Jesus is the clit. Yes.
The Holy Ghost is the butthole. Right? So you have the power.
Look, I think it's noble of you to pay. I agree.
But if you don't want to, here's my thing. If you're hooking up with a guy, he has to pay.

Okay.

Yeah.

If a girl is willing to put a penis in her mouth, the guy should pay.

I think that's the rule.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because who wants a penis in their mouth?

It's so weird and gross.

Also, I've never had, honestly, be honest with me.

Go for it.

Before you were married.

Yeah.

When you were a single, Andrew, which is a scary thought.

Very scary thought to me.

Okay.

It's like a fucking wild animal on the fucking, in its land, hunting down prey.

Okay.

Anyway, that's who you are.

You're a fucking alfiler.

You know what I mean?

I'm the gazelle.

I'm the gazelle.

Broken leg. I'm the predator.
Yeah. You're the prey.
I am am a prey and sometimes the prey gets a little bit of scraps thank you that's definitely me yeah but right I have never gone halfsies with a woman um on a date I've always paid never once never once although I will say I almost made a girl pay me too i i have a clause too go ahead i was so here here's i was so i went on a blind date i think i literally talked about this the other day i i went on a blind date i took a bus from culver city to west hollywood i didn't know west hollywood i knew it was a gay neighborhood but i didn't know no yeah i was new to hollywood and this girl was like a hookup a blind date through a friend and she suggested one of those places on santa monica like uh you know the rusty manhole or um oh god what was it what's it called trunks or one of those but this was the mexican one it was the mexican themed gay bar right and i didn't know what's it called well fancy's got know what's it called yes what's the mexican gay bar black bean the black bean and i got and i gotta tell you i went there i'm super comfortable and open with my sexuality i don't give a fuck about any of that shit but in the middle of the date she's getting wasted dude it's like 2 p.m right and the guy comes over he's like somebody's ready to party and she's like more drinks and he's like okay next round's on me but you guys got to do body shots and i was like no i'm okay i didn't want to drink anyway right and she was hot she was very good looking yeah yeah and she kept being like come on do it don't be so annoying but they didn't turn you on to do body shots off of a guy off. The server was saying, I'll buy the round.
You have to suck it off my fucking chest. Oh, I thought, shoot.
I thought the liquor was going to be on her. That would have been fine.
All right. I didn't know.
I didn't know. I didn't know.
This guy was like, I'll take care of the round. You got a body shot.
And of course, she did one. She's already blacked out.
It's 2.30 in the fucking afternoon. I should have known this girl was a fucking psycho.
And she sucks liquor off this guy, this beautiful black man's abs. You know, the liquor got in the crevasse of his abs at like, like the LA River.
Like, you know, when it gets a little bit of water in it? Yeah, and it like made its way down the channel. And she's slurping all of it.
She's like, now you. Don't be fucking annoying.
And I did. And I did.
And I did a body shot off this guy. Were you laughing? You must have been laughing.
Did it feel good? For me or him? For you. You're just sucking off of a guy.
But his abs. It was on his abs and his belly button.
I licked his belly button too. Yeah.
And then she made nothing of it. So I went to great lengths and she was like, and I was like, cool.
I better get some fucking head. I just sucked that black guy's beautiful fucking abs.
Yeah. And she fucked me off.
She was like, not paying attention, didn't give a fuck. I thought, if I do this, I'm in with this girl.
She didn't care. And then she was like not paying attention didn't give a fuck i thought if i do this i'm in with this girl she didn't care and then she was like what are you doing tonight and i was like i don't know what are you doing she's like i have plans maybe we can meet up later and i was like this is she's fucking me off she's used me to get drunk and get lunch so in my mind i thought should i ask her to pay half i knew it wasn't going to go anywhere and i still paid for her i have a question for you yeah if there was a name i remember her name was margot robbie i don't know what she's up to but i think she's if there was a male comic that you had to suck liquor off their body which one would it be jamar neighbors probably the most sexy in shape black dude yeah yeah probably to more neighbor jamar i.
Probably Jamar Naverick. Jamar Naverick.
Not Eric Griffin? How could it stay on? What? He's got deep pockets. Oh.
Right? It'd be like a fucking lake. Oh, it'd be like a little lake in a valley.
He'd have a bunch of big lakes. You're right.
Fat pockets of lakes. No, who would you suck it up? Who would you do a body shut up? I would have a dozen like probably.
Because you think he's sexy. No.
Does he know you have a little bit of a physical crush on him? I don't have a physical crush on him. You've told me before that you think he's hot.
You've said this off camera like five times. I think I've told him that.
All right, so you do have kind of a crush on him. Like a man crush.
Yeah. Like you do find him attractive and if, let's say, no one's in the main room, the door closes, and he's like, I'm thinking about having you suck me, Bobby.

What are you going to do?

No.

He's stronger than you, bud.

No, but he's got like no upper body strength.

That's not true.

You're totally wrong.

No, he doesn't.

He's like Ken Jeong.

Like, I'll break every, from the waist up, I'll break every bone in his body. Do you think we can set up a match between you and Ken Jeong to box or wrestle or something?

I would fucking destroy him.

Well, let's fucking do it then.

He won't do it. Why not? That's just not his brand.
What's your brand? What's your brand? My brand is Anything Goes. What's her brand? Anything Goes.
What's my brand? Anything Goes. What's Fancy's brand? Ken Jeong.
Ken Jeong. Paradei presenta Ojos con alergia y picazón

Contra el jardinero Ken Jeong. Ken Jeong.
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Headspace. Bro.
Yeah? I have a very difficult time relaxing, man. Well, I have so much anxiety and stress, and you know that's overwhelming, and the fatigue that comes along with it, it's eroding my mental health.
Yeah, yeah, but but headspace what it does for me is it's like i like listening to relaxing you know i mean their meditation music i also like their um soundscapes and stuff like rain falling and stuff i love yeah i like the interface of their app right the app is easy to use yes and it's by the way headspace is scientifically proven to help you manage your feelings and your mental health in fact a study that they had recently it proved that in two weeks, Headspace can reduce your stress by up to 14%. That's pretty impressive because I got a lot of stress.
And by the way, I haven't been pooping as much. I'm going to be real with you.
I love it. From all my stress and Headspace stuff, Headspace is the way to get a clearer mind.
Whether you want, Andrew, to relieve stress, anxiety, sleep better better or improve your focus headspace is your everyday dose of mindfulness for real life you can do uh you can go check out their mini meditations they got trials they have all sorts of stuff on their app to try to get you in a better hey headspace you like that i love it however you're feeling uh you can try headspace at headspace.com slash bad friends and get one month for free of their entire mindfulness library, some of it that Bobby talked about before. This is the best Headspace offer available so go to headspace.com slash badfriends today.
That's right, that's headspace.com slash badfriends Your skin is frail I have shitty skin When we saw you at Magic Mountain, we were so concerned for you and your sister. I put on sunscreen three times.
We thought you guys would just burst into fucking fire. Don't you know I put on a layer? Oh my God, there's Ghost Rider.
I mean, that's literally how I thought you were going to burst into flames. I put on sunscreen multiple times.
I was very safe about it. Your skin is really different.
It is different. It's weird.
It's weak, right? Yeah. yeah what do you mean what's what's weak about

my skin it just looks like not suitable skin for outside temperatures don't talk about my

fucking skin pal yeah what about my skin yours is honestly yeah it's so multi-colored too it's the

best because there's parts that are red there's parts that are yellow there's parts that are white

yeah let me see your palms what's a palm inside of your hand oh see that looks like a white guy's hand thank you that's i purposely did that it's the way i'm wave right if they don't see my face and they wave i have our next adventure by the way i know we did six flags already we're going we're going to a nascar so check this out i got i got an email from a buddy

who is like we've got the hookup vip for you guys i already did that though not with her what's that nascar do you know what that is oh my god so it's that guy bush what's his name kyle bush i don't know his last name is bush yeah kyle bush he put me in a car once did you drive it he no i went to a NASCAR racing event

and before his run

I did a run with him.

Wait, cut. Kyle Busch.
He put me in a car once. Did you drive it? No, I went to a NASCAR racing event.

And before his run, I did a run with him.

Wait, I think it's Kyle Busch, right?

It's one of the Bushes.

Kyle Busch, yeah.

He's an American professional.

So what they do is a NASCAR is, well, it's just a car, but they go around in a big circle.

Super, super fucking fast.

But all the party happens on the infield.

That's where you have drinks and food.

Let's do it. Because they literally were like, they want to give us free tickets and all that stuff let's go you down do you like fast cars a lot of trump supporters huh a lot of trump supporters you mean righteous americans let's just look that's it i just want that to sit i bought a house in mar-a-lago by the way did you really yeah no did you see that clip of trump by the way it was so funny there are these guys called gays for trump there's an organization called gays for trump and they go mr trump over here he's at mar-a-lago he's like doing a speech and they're like we're it's gays for trump and he goes where who where and then he points and one of the guy goes right over here and he goes you you don't look gay no and the guy goes we are and he goes we are and he goes, where? Who? Where? And then he points and one of the guys goes, right over here.
And he goes, you? You don't look gay. No.
And the guy goes, we are. And he goes, yeah, well, I'll take it.
It was awesome. Oh, my God.
The gay's for Trump, baby. Yeah, I know one.
But let me tell you something. Yeah.
We're going to go to a NASCAR. You're going to really enjoy it.
Is it scary? No, you don't do... But you said it's so fast.

Yeah, but you're nowhere near the cars. They just go in a big...
Oh, you're not getting

in the car?

We can get you in one of the cars.

No, it's fine. In fact, you know what?

We should take her to a place where she can get into a car.

Yeah, I want to do one of those, like a bumper ride kind

of a thing. No, no, no, no, no.
You know where we should

go? What? Down to... Porsche has

a track and you can actually drive in a Porsche with a professional driver no oh you know where we should go what down to porsche has a track and you can you can actually like drive in a porsche with a professional driver would you do that

around a track would you do that bob yeah i've done stuff like that yeah but this is like

not just a circle this is going to be like i'm just saying i've done stuff like it all right

you're the best when you do that you're the best you've done it all no i've done a lot i've never

skydived sky dove or divid divid skydived yeah should we go bad for that i'll never do that. You've done it all.
No, I've done a lot. I've never skydived.
Skydove or dived? Dived. Skydived.
Yeah. Should we go bad for skydiving? That I'll never do that.
No, no, no, no. That I'll never do.
Why? Why are you guys all shaking your fucking head? Why wouldn't we go skydiving? What's wrong with that? It's too scary. It's too much.
It's the sky. What are the chances of dying skydiving? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me the odds. Let's see.
I'll play by the odds. What are the odds of dying while skydiving? Let's odds give me the odds let's see i'll play by the odds what are the odds of dying while skydiving let's see this according to most recent data gathered by the united states parachute association there's some bias of the 3.3 million skydives that are completed there are 15 skydiving fatalities based on this data that is 0.00045 percent chance of dying on a skydive The statistics for dying on a tandem skydive are even less.
So if you go with a coach, .0045%. Okay, what are the chances of dying just regular, just living your life? Can I tell you? Yeah.
100. You have 100% chance of dying.
Interesting. Yeah, you're going to die a hundred percent there's literally right now what what are the chances bobby lee dies right now according to the census of asian american comedians.
So the AAC.

Bobby Lee has a

.0 of Asian American comedians.

So the AAC.

Bobby Lee has a

.025% chance

of dying. So that's a 2.5% chance.

Or no. Alright, so let's skydive.

So it's worth it. Let's do it.
Alright, let's go.

You're going. You're going to go.

But you go tandem. You go with a coach.

You go with a trained professional.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're not scared. I mean, it would be be so scary but I'll do it how fun it'll be fun fancy you got to do it you got to do it fancy I'm serious I have to catch the you guys land in oh he wants to oh he has to film it no but no he needs to be part of it you need to be part of it because Pete can film because Pete can't probably go up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's too big.
He'll fall right to the floor. The plane's like this.
Yeah, we'll go in a circle. We take off and we just keep going like this.
Yeah, Pete, you got to get off the front. We got to land.
Stay in the middle of the fucking plane, Pete. But before we do that, right, we have to do Superman's Revenge.
No. Yeah, we got to go back.
Yeah, yeah. We got to do Superman's Revenge and then we'll do skydiving.

And I think this year

we really should amp it up

and go to like

Not Scary Farms

when we get to Halloween.

I think we should go

to Knott's Berry Farm.

Do you know what that is?

Yeah, but I've never been there.

I think we need to go.

Do they have rides there?

Yes.

But scary ones?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean,

not like Six Flags,

I don't think. Yeah, but who goes there? Little kids and families and us oh really well we're family that's true is this not our family that's true don't you feel like as we've grown this is more like when i called you the other day and to check in on you like i did every fucking day tell the audience that i really have been a good friend and checking on you every day.
Yeah. You're not been the best guy to check in, but.
Who's checked in? Who's checked in of your friends? Who's checked in on you? Dominic Monaghan. Dominic Monaghan, the actor? Yeah.
How many times did he call you? Every day. Did he say he was going to bring you stuff? Yeah.
Did he bring you stuff? No. No.
Did you? I asked you, would you like anything? You said no. He offered Legos.
I offered food. offered food I said Bobby can I bring you anything yeah and I said I'll begin I'll go get you I said I'll get you steak from fucking Mastro's I'll get I'll get you whatever you want can I get you anything and you said no you don't yeah but for a hobbit that I barely know to do it I mean he has to travel from Middle Earth I don't know where he lives with pippin but well he's got to get on one of those big uh what are those things that they ride too those elephants yeah how is those elephants can he just does he call it and it comes running down yeah it can't is it on standby i don't i don't know but oh you know what no you know how he travels how those large eagles you know what I mean those large eagles remember when

remember when I don't know. But, oh, you know how he travels? How? Those large eagles.
You know what I mean? What? Those large eagles. Oh, yes.
Remember when, you know what I mean, Frodo and Samwise Gamgee? Uh-huh. That you thought they were going to die, but then Gandalf, I don't know the wizard, though.
Who swooped in? Because what happens is Gandalf has to take a moth. Yeah.
And whisper it. Right? Ooh, I like that.
And then the moth has to fly out. You've never seen those.
You have to watch those movies. Lord of the Rings.
Yeah. Well, we haven't talked about the slap, have we? No, but we've talked about it.
It's been ad nauseum. I talked about it so much already.
It's like, you know what? I think Will Smith was in the right. After a week, that was the conclusion.
Yeah, because I'm so tired of it. Now I'm like, yeah, no, it was, yeah.
Well, it's just because I, you know, just real quick comment on it. Yeah, yeah.
This is a guy, James O'Brien, who has a radio show in England. It's a call-in show.
And a lot of people from England that called in, especially, were on Will Smith's side. No way.
Yeah. Saying what? Citing what? There's literally no room for it.
room for that we know you know it was guys calling my wife has the same disease so right it's not a disease by the way alopecia yeah it's like a condition a condition has the same condition you don't die nobody dies I understand that but women right care so much about you know I mean how they look and their hair and it becomes a very self-conscious thing, right? Okay. They look in the mirror and they, you know, when clumps of hair are coming out of your head.
Imagine. I mean, I can only imagine Kolilah, my girlfriend, walking in the bathroom and her holding a chunk of hair and crying and going, oh my God, it looks so ugly or whatever people go through, right? But you still wouldn't use violence if somebody made a joke about it.
Because I physically can't. No, because you know better.
That's a psychotic move what he did. That's crazy person shit.
That's Scientology being like, you are King Richard. Become King Richard.
He's a fucking psychopath. And during his fucking acceptance speech, the nutbag was like, love makes you do crazy things.
No, it doesn't. You fucking nightmare of a human being.
I'm not agreeing with it. I'm just saying what people saying what people's point of view is people are dumb i don't listen to people because they don't know what the fuck most people are fucking it was assault yeah straight and also on top of it it's like a dude you're a performer yeah will you should just that's like the biggest no-no when somebody's performing yeah especially when you're a performer to bombard bombard a stage like that is just so fucking.
If Will yelled out from his seat, shut the fuck up and got serious, I would still have respected that. Because I was like, oh, man, he's got something going on.
He was upset about the joke. And the joke wasn't good and nice and blah, blah, blah.
I would have got, people would have gotten over it. But the fact that he walked up there and physically did something you're like just yell in your seat go shut the fuck up shut the fuck up or afterwards grab his arm because you know him and go can i talk to you talk to him backstage go don't ever do that shit ever again and gotta tell you or that message would have been stronger because now rock is on tour and i bet he's lighting his ass up he is yeah.
Yeah, well, that's what he's going to get now. And now Will has to fucking disappear.
Or he walks up on stage, grabs a mic. Will's going to go to Zinu's spaceship or whatever the fuck.
He grabs a mic and he does a joke back or he. He starts around.
Parents just don't understand. He starts doing old rap.
No, or he basically says, listen, you know what I mean? My wife has alopecia and she's very self-conscious about it and i just think that that was you know not cool and just walk off stage yeah and that would have been even more awkward there okay it just says no way to do it yeah he should have broke out into a song from wild wild west and that would have been i think everybody everybody would have forgiven him somebody said to me the other day though and fancy will probably go in and out on this someone goes will smith is the most respected like actor who's transcended race and class and like dude everybody loves him of every color every everywhere you come from yeah but he's not that good of an actor and i was like well and i literally couldn't think of one movie where i was like wow he, he was so good. And that movie was so good.
He was good in King Richard. You didn't even see it.
You didn't even see it. That's how I know you're a fucking liar.
You didn't even see it. He won an award.
Nobody saw it. He won an Oscar.
Nobody saw it. The clip that they showed where he was like, you know.
Oh, he was crying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a good scene. Who the fuck cares? Name one movie movie he made that you go he was a great actor and the movie was great oh um six degrees of separation not a real thing seven degrees what's the movie called six degrees of separation six degrees of separation did you see it though yeah what is it about well it was 20 years ago i forgot okay so he's been but he was i remember watching it going because i remember him being in fresh prince and him transitioning into movies and going this is not gonna work right but what it's like you know um what's his name in the lighthouse um batman yeah yeah yeah yeah one of those movies where you go oh this kid got skills okay so my point is fancy can attest to this he's never made a movie where he was a great actor and it was great i just said there was one but anyway he got 20 happiness he was pretty good what happiness was fine the movie was fine yeah bad boys but okay but these are actually are you better than him as an actor yeah you better believe it you better believe it you better believe it you better believe it because i believe it but you're not no he's awesome i think he's incredible i loved will smith yeah i've always loved him bad boys was amazing i think men in black was incredible i'm just saying he was never it was he was never the great actor he's just a lovable awesome dude yeah he was a great actor in what you named a movie 20 fucking years ago

he's very charismatic he was like a tom cruise type correct charismatic tom cruise actually is a great actor i'm sorry but he is yeah but he he wanted to get his roles you can't because tom cruise is a better actor but here's my argument though dude and little white guy huge buff black guy big difference i hate it when people go keanu reeves isn't a good actor he's a great actor okay he is he's a he is awesome to watch he's amazing he I believe him in every movie yeah right because he's playing no it doesn't matter right it's like point I know what it's like I know what it's like what's the through line of point break of Bill and Ted John Wick what's the

through line he was good in

glass house with sandra bullock sure okay sure movie tanked but yeah he was another movie called it was a simple plan or one of those kind of movies simple plan was that that yeah where he played a really bad guy yep yeah he was amazing in that he's a great actor yeah i'm just saying that anyone that can hold an audience that can lead a movie

and have years of a career. I mean, Keanu, Will, are both examples of that, right? They're great actors, great leading men.
And I believe everything they do. And I will always, maybe not will now,

but I will always buy a ticket to watch Keanu Reeves.

Yeah, me too.

He's amazing.

But I love him.

Great actor.

And I'll still support Will Smith,

by the way.

I don't give a shit, dude.

You know I'm down for violence.

You know I'm right

and just tell me I won that argument.

He's not a good actor

and Fancy can attest that he's not.

You really fucking are going to offend me

because I have COVID

and I know what you're trying to do.

What am I trying to do?

You're trying to provoke my fucking COVID. I want to get your heartbeat up so you get a heart attack.
Right. I'm going to cough in your face.
Imagine a heart I'll punch you if you do. Imagine.
Think about it right now. I'll punch you so fucking hard the mat will come off your car.
The mat finished. It'll be fucking...
All right. Let's not do that.
I like that. Anyway.
Who's your favorite actor, Rudy Julesules I'm not good with movies Don't ask me that I said your favorite actor Just a person that you like It's funny Because the other day We watched She'd never seen Truman Show Oh my god So like 45 minutes into the thing I go Do you know what's about She goes I don't know what's going on I was confused Did you figure it out it out at some point? I had to tell her. No, I said that.
I had to tell you. I had to fucking tell you.
Did you know what's going on? No, I said, oh, he's in a show. And then after like 10 minutes, you said, yes, it's in the show.
No, but I know. But you didn't know.
You go, who is he? What's going on? Yeah, I didn't know. You knew that it was a show, but you didn't know that he didn't know that he was on a show.
Yeah, I didn't know he was born and I didn't know what's happening. Ed Harris, by the way.
Ed Harris is so good in that movie. I know.
It's like annoying where you're like, this guy is so believable as this sociopath who's puppeteering human beings. Yeah.
But you still like him. Yeah.
How crazy. How crazy that he's love.
Okay, now there's a great actor. That's a good actor.
Ed Harris is a fucking superstar actor. I can't watch him.
Why? Because he's pale. Because of two moments.
Oh, no. What are they? Number one moment, right? If you watch, he did a movie called History of Violence.
Love. Okay.
If you watch the press conference of History of Violence, he does a panel of the other actors. He does something where they had to shut everything down and they had to end the fucking press conference.
We're here at this panel sitting next to me. He seems fine.
Director and director, Mr. Ed Harris.

Love that dude.

Yeah.

Ed?

You want to add any?

Watch.

Not particularly.

Oh, yeah, you did do one.

I'd like to add that.

No, because what is that?

What is that?

You know? What is that? What is it? What is it? know what is that what is it what is violence what is it you know that's what the movie's about absolutely love that he he's making an example of what violence is he shocked the room that's what the movie was about i absolutely love that clip i see nothing wrong with that guy. Did you see anything wrong with that, Rudy? Yeah, that was scary.
That was fucking scary, dude. The guy said the movie is called The History of Violence.
He just showed what violence can do. And he didn't do it to anybody else, Will Smith.
He didn't smack anybody. Is that the lesson? That's the lesson.
If you want to be a crazy actor, display it. Don't hurt other people.
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for 20% off your first box. Boxofaw awesome.com code bad friends for 20 off your first box box of awesome.com code bad friends let me say this yeah you've never seen a great actor of that caliber yeah that isn't loopy name one right marlon marlon was loopy yeah the loopy the loopiest one of the loopy they used to call him mr loopy when he would come to set meryl streep is the only one yeah who'd you say meryl streep meryl streep we just haven't seen the truth yet we haven't seen the truth we haven't seen the will smith moment because they all have it yeah but he but his snap meryl has done all the right things for so long i cannot wait until somebody says the wrong thing and she whips out a tit and squirts it yeah What's milk? This is milk, all right? All over a fucking reporter's face.
What is that? That's milk! That's milk! Yeah, yeah. But did you see the fucking press? He goes, okay, that's the end of the press conference.
Maybe he wanted to go home. Maybe Ed was like, if I fucking freak out, I can get back to the hotel faster.
Yeah, but his energy before that was, I just, that's what my dad used to do. It's like, he's smiling.
Yeah. Everything, everything fine, right? Hey, Bobby, how are you? I love you.
Come here. Like that kind of switch.
Yeah. I don't like it.
I know. Yeah, yeah.
Every great actor does it. But I don't want to watch it now, but anyone listening, watch The Rock Bloopers.
He does even more uncomfortable shit. And as a director, I would just be like, okay, we're going to call it a day.
I would have just called it a day. You can't wrap the day.
Yeah. It's the same thing that Christian Bale did when he went on that rant.
Yeah, but I got to tell you something. Yeah.
What is that sound guy doing walking around? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fancy takes the side of christian bale don't you it is distracted it's remarkably distracting when you're trying to get deep in character and you know what yeah what the public doesn't know that we that we heard afterwards was they already had had an interaction where christian had asked him politely please don't move across the shot right two times two times i see okay man right now you know it's deliberate yeah because you've been on set you've been on set you know it's a difficult job to be focused it's all it's all everyone's everyone's trying their best you know what sucks though i was on magnum once not the same kind of thing but same same son of caliber same caliber anyway magnum pi i was on magnum once and i remember people talking during one of my close-ups.
It's hard. And I just, I wanted to do a Christian Bale, right? But I'm like, I'll get fired.
There's no, I don't have the power or the providence to do it. So I just went, I'll just do it again, guys.
You know what I mean? But it's like, it is rude. It is rude.
I hate it. Speaking of which which we've just lost um oh no we just lost uh a great man who in acting in the world of acting who well he's not dead but we've lost him as an actor Bruce Willis man I know aphasia do you know what aphasia is no aphasia is um I think it's the the definition is to be looked up because I'm not I'm stupid but you basically your skills go out the window.
So you can think stuff, but not say it. Who's Bruce Willis? Who's Bruce Willis? All right, let's wrap this up.
Let's get the fuck out of here. That was the craziest thing I've ever heard.
Who's Bruce Willis? Who's Bruce Willis? Bruce Willis. That's him.
Have you seen him before? I think He was in Fast

And the Furious

You think he was in Fast and the Furious?

You think it's Fast and the Furious?

Not Vin Diesel

You think Vin Diesel?

No no no not him

Yeah yeah

Do you think that's ludicrous?

Yeah yeah

Who do you think that is?

Who do you think that is?

I don't know

But I think he's in Fast and the Furious Was he ever in a Fast and Furious movie? He was. He was.
See? All right. You know Bruce Willis.
Congratulations. How can we not know that? I've never seen him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't watch all the fucking Fast and Furious.
How would I know? Yeah, yeah. He's got a condition where he starts to be able to not aphasia.
I think it's called APHSIA, maybe I heard there was problems already on set or whatever where he was like. Okay.
So I told him. I told him.
What? A guy that I. A guy that I don't know that well that works in our business.
And who knows if this story is real. He says years ago, him and Sam Jackson were in Morocco at a release party for something.
Yeah. And they were at this nightclub and he's sitting at a booth and the base is bumping so hard and it's so filled with people and everyone's rummaging about.
A thing fell off the wall and hit him in the fucking head sam jackson no bruce bruce willis yeah and he had to be rushed to a hospital for to because his head sliced open his fucking head and he says that with all of these stunts that he did amongst bashing up his body in his head is where maybe some of this could come from i don't know if any of that's true yeah but they do say it does can come from head trauma really that's a part of it it says it's either from head trauma it's hereditary head trauma or there was another thing that could have led to it he also looks like he fuck like die hard but he fucks hard so you think if he if he fucks so hard his head is yeah yeah right like his head well you know they say your head moves around in your skull like your brain like a football player their brain moves yeah so if he's fucking hard enough his brain is bouncing inside of that yeah they should do a movie called fuck hard well that could be his last film yeah and let me tell you something god bless Bruce Willis that dude's the fucking goat he's a legend I have a Bruce Willis story and I'm so sad I have a Bruce Willis story. And I'm so sad that he's- I have a Bruce Willis story.
Give it to me. So when I first moved to LA, this is in 97.
77? 1977. Yeah.
No, 1997, right? I was at the Chinese Man Theater. That's appropriate.
I'm gonna let it go. They just named it after you? Really funny, but I'm gonna let it go.
just named it after you really funny but I'm gonna let it go that's fine you're at the Wong Theater what? you're at the Wong Theater oh am I supposed to be across the street? no this is the Wong Theater bang the gong Wong alright go ahead alright clip that don't yeah

don't Shane Gillis me

yeah yeah

just clip that

but anyway

I was

I don't know what movie

I was watching

but I see two gigantic bodyguards

Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon

or something

so anyway

you see two gigantic bodyguards

can you get all the Asian jokes

I'd write out of the way

because they throw me off a little bit

I didn't have any

that's all I had

yeah yeah

that's all I had Because you did the Wong The Wong was good Just give me the thing Anyway Two big guys Are they sumo wrestlers? Keep it Yeah I like it Right Go ahead And so And I go wow There's two big guys in suits And then behind them I see a guy with bald head and I realize it's Bruce Willis right and I kind of follow them because I never in my mind have been around at that time I've never seen a celebrity before you're brand new well Paulie Shore you know what I mean I knew like comics and stuff right but you've never been around a movie star a star, like a real bonafide movie star True movie star And I follow them And there's an elevator that goes up somewhere And they both get in Brute gets in And they won't let me in the elevator I literally follow them, I stalk them And I smile And he winked at me And then the elevator closed and they went up i never saw him again so sexy but i just remember going like i just i still remember it you know it was like wow wow that was amazing yeah he's still he's one of those guys because there's no star like even like i've seen oscar isaac before okay you know i mean and i've said hi to him and stuff like that. He didn't even look at me.
But my point is, but my point is, I don't have that same like, ah, anymore with people. You know what I mean? Well, who could still make you feel that way? Is there a celebrity that can make you feel that way? It has to be like, it has to have, it has to come from an older era for me.
When you were a kid. When I was a kid.
You know what I mean? So if I, I don't know. Anyone with you? I think when I.
De Niro. Yeah, I think De Niro probably.
De Niro. Yeah, I think like.
Pacino. Yeah, but Pacino.
But you know if you met Pacino now, it'd be tough. Why? Because I think he's a little.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's up there.
Yeah, yeah, he's up there. I think it'd have to be someone like that from my youth.
Like, well, for me, Jim Carrey. And then when he became my boss was.
Yeah. That was very surreal.
Yeah. I always felt like it was fake.
I ran to him last week. Where?

Malibu.

No, me and Kalilah went to Keegan-Michael Key's birthday party.

Oh, nice. And Jim Carrey was there, standing there with Kevin Nealon.

And when I walked in, it was a small group, maybe 60 people.

Maskless, yeah.

Yeah, but this is before I got COVID.

It was a Friday.

Sure, maybe. Who knows? But go ahead.on howard was there he definitely gave you covid yeah and once i walked in i was just like we were already uncomfortable too many famous people yeah it was no it was just like it's too intimate and you know it's just not my deal what do you mean by that well because it's just not my i'm not i don't it was comics, it's one thing.
But it's just like, it was just a bunch of like elements. I didn't know anybody.
Yeah, but you could get to know any of them. Right.
So anyway, we walked in and Jim immediately waves to me, which makes me feel comfortable. Yeah.
I walk up, he shakes my hand. I go, what's up, dude? And he goes, hey, man, Bobby Lee or whatever.
And then he goes he and kalilah shakes his hand and i just thought i've always just thought he was like one of the nicest guys he's so nice he is he's he's lovely but what's great is i then i went right to the buffet because i you know i mean it sounds right and there was another guy there kind of mumbling it's like i don't know what i'm doing'm doing here. It's not.
And look up. It was Tony Hale.

You know,

Tony,

I love Tony Hale.

And while we hung out with him all night,

I mean,

he came to our table.

We just hung out all night.

But anyway,

that was my Jim Carrey.

I just watch a Korean drama.

25,

21.

And I finished it today.

It was so sad.

And I cried a lot.

Did you cry today?

Yeah.

Do you cry a lot?

Yeah, but I'm on my period. So maybe I'm more emotional.
Good to know. Yeah.
I had been going on a cry fest yesterday. Do you see me crying when I was watching my iPad? No.
Yeah, I was. Who were you watching? I watch fathers holding babies for the first time.
Oh, no. Them bursting into tears.
Oh, my God. Or like, I like reunion stuff.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like when a soldier comes home and sees their kid.

You want a really good cry video?

Watch a guy listen to sound for the first time with cochlear implants.

I've seen that.

Do you know what that is?

Or the glasses. Oh, my God.

The colored glasses.

They can see for the first time?

No, the...

They can see for the first time? No, the... They can see for the first time? No.
No, what? Where they can see color for the first time. Yeah, yeah.
They can kind of, yeah. You know what I mean? It's amazing.
Like the old man, you know what I mean, putting the glasses on, he's never seen purple. He starts bawling.
He starts bawling. That really takes it for granted because look at how beautiful all these colors are and some people can't see them yeah look at me i'm filled with color i know you are and i can see you for the first time you see me now yeah see me hear me now i am a son yeah yeah i'm a son i'm a brother here's another thing that i want to say to you okay is is that i really think that you and i should have way more gratitude in our lives.
I agree. I think you hold on to anger.
Don't gaslight me. Don't do that.
Don't just say I hold on to anger. That's not real.
I can get angry, but I don't hold on to anger. Okay.
You don't hold on to anger, but you absorb it. And I redistribute it.
You redistribute it, right, through violence. Correct.
Okay. That's why I tell you I'm on Will Smith's side.
But what I want to say is that when you see Undercover Boss. What a show.
What a show. And you know when an employee does well.
Yeah, and they give them a check. So, Emmanuel, what you did for me is you opened my eyes up, right? And this is all the difficulties that you've got through your life, and you've still got a positive attitude on the floor, and I'm going to give you $300, right? And I'm going to contribute it to your college fund.
Let me tell you, I'm about to quit this job, bitch, so I'm out.

Well, no, but Emmanuel,

what I'm saying to you is that we want you at the job.

I don't want to be at this motherfucker anymore.

I'm not trying to work for General Mills

for the rest of my life, bitch.

I'm out.

But you were so great on the floor.

Yeah, bitch, because I'm high as fuck.

Well, Emmanuel, will you take the $300

and then consider-

I mean, give it to me.

You got cash?

Is it just a check? Well, no, no, no. Well just Venmo me bitch well we anyway Venmo me bitch thank you Emmanuel whenever those undercover boss it is funny they're like you're such a good little worker yeah we're gonna give you a thousand dollars yeah and they think that's gonna like be the thing for these people you're like but what i'm saying make them ceo you want to be a real boss yeah swap you guys want to try it here what's that you guys want to try it here yeah i want to try it here you're fired yeah isn't that the right show but what i'm saying though you're fired people you you you we need to be more grateful no but you also realize that people like have real struggles and stuff and you know, a little helps, you know what I mean? All right.
So let's do this then. Yeah.
I get a, I get a, I get barrages of messages to like fan pages or whatever that says bad friends has helped me tremendously during tough times. Yeah.
So we want to take a second to thank everyone for listening to the show, for watching the show.

Yeah.

And if we're helping you,

that means you're helping us.

We're doing this together.

Yeah.

And if we need more gratitude,

what do we need to do then?

Do you want to set up a foundation or something?

We should be,

do a fan foundation for some of our fans.

Okay.

That are maybe uglier.

So you want an ugly fan fund?

Yeah.

Ugly fan fund. So we can get cosmetic surgeries for people.
All right. So listen so listen up.
If you are a UF... If a cliff note, what's that? What's that? A cliff palette? A cliff note? No, it's a cliff note.
Yeah, it's a B sharp. A B sharp, you know what I mean? Yeah.
A diminished B sharp cliff mouth thing. Right? Then we will help with the surgery.
Okay, how about this? I had a good friend who had that when we were young, by the way. And it's a serious thing, so it's not funny.
How about this? If you're an ugly fan, if you're a UF, we're going to start a UFF with an ugly fan fund, and we're going to raise some money. I think we might need to help out old...
I want to join. What do you need to get done? A lot.
Where do you want to start? My ears. I love your ears.
No, and my nose. You're beautiful.
No, your ears are perfect. You're beautiful just the way you are.
Yeah. What nose? You have a nose? Anyway.
Let's do a real fund. A real fund for a fan.
If you have something, surgery, that you can't afford, hit us up. I'm being genuine.
Yeah. I had a friend with a cliff note

and I didn't ever want him to smile.

Because why?

You saw all of it?

No, no.

Because when the cliff,

when people with cliff notes smile,

the cliff opens up a little bit.

It's a cleft palate.

Cleft.

A cleft.

Cleft?

A cleft note.

Is it a cleft note?

I don't know what it is.

You keep saying cliff notes.

You know, cliff notes are like

with books.

The cliff notes.

Oh.

I've COVID, man.

I know, yeah.

I don't know what it is. You keep saying cliff notes.
You know, cliff notes are like with books, the cliff notes. Oh, I've covered man.
I know. Yeah.
I don't know what I'm saying. But why do you feel lately? What has been hitting you about gratitude for real? Is it because when you got sick, you thought I'm lucky that I'm alive and life is good? I don't know.
When you turn 50 and you get sober again, you know, and you just kind of look at your life and you just kind of go, you know, I should be the happiest man alive.

Are you not happy right now, Bob?

No, I'm getting there.

I want to get happy, you know, and so I'm just, you know, doing different things to

get there.

And it's, it's, you know, I've always, and I'm sure you know, you're probably similar

is we're always like, there's a carrot, you're holding a carrot and we're constantly chasing it, like a horsey. You're saying like the carrot is on our back and we're just- No, no.
Like when you're a horse, you put a carrot in front of the horsey and it keeps walking. You know what I mean? And it's like- So we're horses and the business has the carrots.
Yes. And I don't want the carrot there.
You don't want the carrot at all anymore? Yeah. Because it's like there's nothing.
I already have it. You already ate the carrot.
But I'm always constantly thinking that there's a fucking carrot in front of me. I agree.
Right. But now what are you going to eat? That's true.
Potato. Potato.
I want to put a potato in front of me. Like a baked potato.
Right? And constantly taste that. That's what happens when you make a little bit of money you just get fatter so it went from a carrot to a carb you're into vegetable to carb yeah that's really what it is but my point though is is that you know you we have to kind of go this is it this is good everything that i have is it this is it yeah that's like everything is pussy it's the same thing like i was really bummed about like the show that you got that I didn't get.
What show? Beef. Beef on Netflix.
Coming out hopefully this year. Right.
So like I was, when I first found out, and I'm open, I want to talk about it. I'm only on three episodes.
Doesn't matter. I wanted it bad.
Why did you think you wanted it so bad? Because I like Ravi a lot, and I like A24, and I like Steven and Ali, and I like the provenance of the show, and I just wanted it. I auditioned for it a couple times, and I didn't get it.
It's fine. But, you know, I was bummed that, you know, no, I was happy that you got it.
Congratulations. I'm happy.
I'm so talented. You're allowed to be bummed that I got it.

But I have to admit,

but that's where it stemmed from.

Like, what am I...

Here's the thing.

One time when I was a kid,

I started doing stand-up.

I started with a guy named Freddy Soto.

I know Freddy.

Well, go ahead.

Okay.

And he passed.

One of the funniest guys I've ever seen on stage.

But when we were younger, him and i did open mics together okay and then a couple years down the road he got a show and i was living in san diego he was living in la he came down to do a show in san diego and he told me i got this stand-up show and instead of saying congratulations go how'd you get that i want to get it and then he looked at me and he goes no congratulations like what the fuck man right and i realized then it's like that's not who i want to be that's gross who do you want to be i just want to be happy for other people's success and just be happy with what i have and then like that's it that's it. That's good.
Yeah. But, you know, sometimes I slip into a competitive, like, where's mine kind of a fucking mentality.
And I don't want to be there anymore. I like that a lot.
Yeah, yeah. So, congratulations.
Thank you. We just got picked up for a second season.
And a third, I think. Yeah, congratulations.
Oh, I'm getting a fucking phone call. Hello? No, I'm on the show and I'm off.

You know, I'm only doing a couple episodes.

Yeah.

I'm really literally barely on the show.

But I will say it is daunting.

It's literally all Korean people.

Yeah.

It's hundreds.

We played basketball at a Korean church.

Yeah.

And they took a photo.

Yeah.

And it looks like I'm adopted.

It's a hundred Korean people and me. Yeah.
It's very's weird very wild amazing that i couldn't get a korean show i was i was i was a little i was a little red-headed i was a little shocked yeah well you know the roles were for us that's even more painful it's okay the carrot's gone the carrot's gone and i'm happy to be where i am and i'm grateful that i have the what i have how about this the character's name is bobby i know that i read it the carrot the carrot is right there i know but i couldn't get it no it's not that i think it was more that uh i think it's more that i'm not a good actor no it was more that you went away to rehab which is the truth that is the truth so unfortunately if we want to be true to the fans it's that it was more that you went away to rehab, which is the truth. That is the truth.

So unfortunately,

if we want to be true to the fans,

it's that they know.

I mean, you went away to rehab when they were doing that show

and then you...

I also lost another movie.

But you had to focus on you, dude.

That was more important.

It sucked, man.

I lost...

I had this other movie with Zoe Dashinal

and I was in rehab

and they're like,

you lost it because they were shooting

and you lost it.

So what?

That's what I'm saying is that...

I know. I'm calm.
Well? I'm fucking calm. What I'm telling everyone listening, right, is that everything is just meant to be and it's fine.
If it happens, it happens. It happens, it happens.
It doesn't, it doesn't. And it's like I don't want to live like that anymore.
I like that. Yeah.
You're feeling more at peace now.

I'm trying.

This is, I like this.

You do?

I just think maybe sobriety, your age, and COVID

has kind of all combined to just level Bob out.

Maybe, yeah.

It's good.

Is there anything else you want to say or admit?

Yeah, I'm so jealous of you.

I want to kill you. Sometimes I want to say or admit yeah i'm so jealous of you i want to kill you sometimes i want to kill you well honestly yeah i've you're better than me huh yeah a little bit yeah you're better than me no chance you know you know there's one thing i did talk we did talk about me and david cho talked about you we talked about you all the time actually yeah you're kind of the point of conversation often but he said he said a lot of stuff about you a lot of it good a lot of it bad yeah yeah but he i did say to him you know being along and i'm being genuine right now yeah yeah being along with you for this ride and as close as we've gotten over the past couple of years we've been friends for years but we've gotten so close yeah and i said there's a side of you that that he david or other people don't know that i do know and i'm gonna be honest yeah is that beneath the things that i fucking hate about you yeah and there's a bunch i have those things i don't like about you as well but just just let me finish all right do you know there's a scene in beetlejuice a different movie please there's a scene in beetlejuice where he's trying to dig in the in the in the fake um world that alec baldwin alec baldwin stephen baldwin alec alec alec was alec was had made that little model wait wait beetlejuice that's the one that he didn't kill anybody on anyway and beetlejuice was digging up the fake model and he had to rip up all this ground and it's very vivid in my mind because i watched a lot as a kid and he was digging and digging and digging and i feel that way with you i feel like i have dug past all of the bullshit that i don't like that i know is just you being you sometimes you're being mean to me for no reason or saying fucked up shit for no reason and then i get down to the guts of it all and down inside is beetlejuice is my sweet little lord of the afterlife yeah my little prince uh-huh my little spiky weird hair yeah um your sister's hot oh you fucking piece of shit i should be genuine yeah i know what i don't know that those guys is that you deep down are a super caring i am like what do you mean deep down it's on the surface you have to go deep the surface the surface is bullshit with you.
It's all bullshit. What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

Can I say something?

You bury yourself in your phone.

You disappear from conversation.

You oftentimes go, blah, blah, blah. I don't care.

Goodbye.

And you hang up the phone on me.

You're short with me sometimes.

You can be rude, dismissive, mean.

You can be a bully, even though you're tiny.

You can be a bully.

But really, what I've seen the last couple of years

is a sweet, sweet, sweet little man.

A sweet, caring, loving little man

who just wants to be around people that love him,

that respect him and enjoy him.

May I say go to you now?

Yeah, may you say go to me.

May I go to you now?

May you say go to me now.

All right, so...

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Google it.

Every time you say Google,

I think you're going to say something else.

Google it.

Google it.

A brand new server presented...

By Bob.