Bobbo's Adoption Plan & Fancy's First American Birthday

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 America, we are the ones who are the freest ones.

Speaker 1 That's the words of that. I don't know any lyrics of anything.
America, we are the ones who are the freest ones.

Speaker 1 We pledge our hate to everyone.

Speaker 1 and we are the best

Speaker 1 it's the best we're the best

Speaker 1 one welcome back Rudy Jules you took a class you took a test what happened Andre

Speaker 1 I took a test I took a test what wow did you get a hundred percent I did you got straight A's of course he took the American test and

Speaker 1 look at how cute he looks there look at him he's doing he's pledging his allegiance to this

Speaker 1 the cameraman's going that guy has his neck just attaches to the face. There's no chin.
Look at this, no mask. And look at the Asian guy behind you.
Mask. Interesting.

Speaker 1 Interesting.

Speaker 1 Look at this, dude. You're giving up your Spanish heritage.
Yeah. You're one of us, Papa.
You're one of us. Welcome.
One of us.

Speaker 1 One of us. One of the

Speaker 1 American red blood.

Speaker 1 What about you? You're going to take the clut test? No, I don't want to be American. Fuck you, fuck you.
Get out of here. You fucking shit.
Piece of shit. Get the fuck out of our country.

Speaker 1 Immigrant scumbag.

Speaker 1 Call Call ice. Call ice.
Call ice right now, dude. We're going to separate you from your mom.
I have a visa. It doesn't matter.
We're going to put you in a cage. Oh, I have a visa too.

Speaker 1 I have a MasterCard, a Visa. I have an American Express.
You're not special.

Speaker 1 I got gold shit. I don't even know what fucking brands they are.
They're gold cards, man. And they got buckets and buckets of money on them.
Wake up, lady. Wake up.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get a Porsche

Speaker 1 Makan. Can I tell you something?

Speaker 1 Last night, Bobby

Speaker 1 in the hallway. Me, Griff, and Bob were in the hallway, and he goes,

Speaker 1 Bob comes up, he goes,

Speaker 1 I'm going to buy a Porsche. And I was like, no, you're not.
He goes, I'm going to buy a Porsche. I'm going to buy a Makan.

Speaker 1 Makon. Makan.
It's a Makan. And you go, that's.
I go ahead and get it. That's not a real car.
I said it's not a real Porsche. And first of all, it's Porsche.
It's not a real Porsche.

Speaker 1 Okay. But it's not a, but the Makan is the SUV.
It's not that big of a, it's fine. Good, get it.
I want you to.

Speaker 1 But what I'm saying is if you bought a 9-11, I'd be like, that's insane. You have no business driving driving that.

Speaker 1 Well, that's why I'm seeing I'm trying to bridge the gap between your fancy and my ghetto-ness. I'm not fancy.
Oh, my God. Bro, you're going to make me so rageful right now.
Racist?

Speaker 1 Rageful and racist. Let me say something.
I'm not going to reveal things on this podcast because you get anger. Right? But I do.

Speaker 1 I know that you're blushing a little bit right now, but I'm going to say something. I'm not blushing.
I'm fancy. You have really fancy shit.
I don't have any shit. I've been to your house.

Speaker 1 It looks like a fucking showroom at IKEA. I know you've said that.
That's beautiful. First of all.
and you have fancy cars, cars that I can't, right? You're just shaking your head.

Speaker 1 So, what I'm saying is that I drive a Prius that other people, like

Speaker 1 poor people, drive. First of all, you have an Audi at the house.
You're going to buy a mechanism. It's my girlfriend's.
And your house is bigger than mine. So you're wrong.
It's not bigger.

Speaker 1 Yes, it is. It's just fancier.
No, it's bigger and fancier. Yeah, we live on a hill.
You live in flat grounds. You see what he's doing now? You see the dersey position? You're a piece of shit.

Speaker 1 I'm not a piece of shit. Yeah, you live in the Hollywood Hills, and I live in a red.
I'm a blue-collar guy. No, I'm a blue-collar guy.
Who are your fucking neighbors? Bro, you wouldn't.

Speaker 1 Who are your fucking neighbors?

Speaker 1 Who are your fucking neighbors? Because I know your neighbor's a famous fucking director. No, he just happens to be a producer.
A famous producer. What's up, dog? What's up, dog?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Hollywood Nights, baby. 2000.
And who's the other neighbor? Who's the other neighbor? He used to be a writer for Babylon 5. Oh, cool.

Speaker 1 Babylon Fire gives a fuck. Oh, he has a house in the fucking hills.
Yeah. So he's rich.
Yeah. My neighbors.

Speaker 1 My neighbors are neighbors. People.
Yeah. People.
People that own probably. Yeah, they bought a house 30 fucking years ago.

Speaker 1 They're just humans. Yours are rich.
Hollywood. See, America, don't listen to this fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 1 He is a Hollywood

Speaker 1 scumbag. And he lives in the hills next to Hollywood scum.
I live near human beings that work just. You play golf.
I love golf. I know.
Isn't that fucking high up? Yeah, yeah. What? Golf is cheap.

Speaker 1 You can play golf for fucking 20 bucks. Golf is ping pong.
That's like an everyday man. That's an Asian thing.
You guys are all in the world.

Speaker 1 It's kind of Asian. You're right.

Speaker 1 What I'm i'm saying though is is that i've i have anyone knows ask sam tripley ask anyone at the comedy store of all the people what like because i crashed my prius into his car oh right you're remember that yeah right no i purposely did it i know i rammed it but my point is is that um everyone at the comedy store ask anybody that parks the cars there anybody

Speaker 1 What kind of car does Bobby drive? They'll say it's the worst of the worst. Yeah, because

Speaker 1 you don't care about stuff. You don't take care of nice things.
And because I'm sober again, and because I'm trying to treat myself better,

Speaker 1 because I'm trying to treat myself better, God bless. I decided to get a better car and a nicer car to treat myself better.

Speaker 1 And then I did all this research and going, you know, what's going to work for me and my family? And I

Speaker 1 took a risk. I saw you and Eric Griffin last night and I go, I'm going to get, I'm so proud.
I'm going to get a Porsche McConnell. You just laughed in my face.

Speaker 1 You laughed right in my fucking face. I'm going to go with you to get it.
Yeah. I want to go with you to get it.
But you're going to laugh at the dealer. It's going to be a whole thing.

Speaker 1 I don't want to be shamed by it. What I want to do, honestly, I'm being serious.
Yeah. I want to get you a good deal.
So will you take a look? I don't give a fuck about the deal, baby.

Speaker 1 What does that sound like? What a fucking risk.

Speaker 1 You know what I said to Bobby last night? I go, gas is like $7 a gallon. He goes, I don't give a fuck.
That's what I said. And Bobby goes, I'll pour some out after I fill up.
I don't like haggling.

Speaker 1 When I go to Tijuana and the kids go, chicle, right? I go, how much? They go, $50. I'll get it.
That's for one piece. That's what a rich.
I don't know. I don't negotiate.
I don't like haggling.

Speaker 1 When the little tiny Mexican kids go, chicle, chikle. And I go, how much? And they say, $3, and I go, one, they go, no.
And I steal them and I run away with the kids. I know you do.
Hi, hi, hi, hi.

Speaker 1 First of all,

Speaker 1 there's a myriad of things happening. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's Andreas' birthday today. Do you know this?

Speaker 1 He is an American citizen.

Speaker 1 And also, coincidentally, this is our St. Patrick's Day episode.
So it's my holiday. It's Fancy's birthday.
And he's an American citizen.

Speaker 1 Do you have anything you want to say to Fancy?

Speaker 1 Blue and red looks good on you, but green doesn't look good on you, Tito Andrew.

Speaker 1 I love it, I love it, love it. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I love it, I love it. That's you know what, Julie? You know, I'm wearing this for the holiday.
Yeah, you don't look good.

Speaker 1 Well, does it look bad? You look like a ghetto leprechaun.

Speaker 1 A ghetto leprechaun? Yeah, yeah, like a leprechaun that couldn't get that regular suit. What a gold at.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What a motherfucking gold at. Yeah, but instead of gold, you have like pesos in a little cup on the end of your rainbow.
I'm the ghetto leprechaun? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's my favorite guy. I want want to know where to go at.
I'm going to run a back hole and uproot that tree. I want to know where to go.

Speaker 1 All right. You know what? Honestly? This is Brian Jump.
The best. Yeah.
The best. Look at what my holiday brings out.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fun, humor. We can take a joke.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is the best part about St. Patrick's Day.
It's about drinking. It's about eating corned beef and cabbage.
It's about having fun, making fun of Irish people. We can take a hit.
No, but it's easy.

Speaker 1 We all, we take the hit. We're ugly.
We're orange. we're pale, we fight.
Yeah, we'll take the hit. You guys can't take a hit.
You say anything bad about Asians, everyone's up in arms. Oh, really?

Speaker 1 You're going to bring up stop Asian hate right now? That's crazy. Start it up.
I say that's fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 You're no white people? No, no, no. Irish aren't white.
We're a different breed. We're our own thing, man.
Look at me. You guys are so white, though.
Who looks like me? Nobody. Bill Burr?

Speaker 1 Yeah, an Irish fucking guy. Is Bilber Irish? Yes.
Okay. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Who else is another one? I have a question. Yeah.
To Andrew, is your butthole red or you? You want to see it?

Speaker 1 I'm going to show it to you. No! No! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You asked for it. Bob.
Yeah, yeah. Did she ask? She did ask.
But I don't want to see it. Just look.
Just look. How about this?

Speaker 1 I take a photo of it, and then you can see it. Just look.
Yeah, just look.

Speaker 1 Ah, this much away. Yeah, you asked.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. What color is it? Look, just real fast.
Just look, real fast. What is it? What color is it? Look fast.
Rudy, look fast. fast.

Speaker 1 You want to see mine?

Speaker 1 What color is yours?

Speaker 1 Color mine. Let's see.
Oh, spread it open.

Speaker 1 What color? What color? Brown, right? What color? Because I just took a shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 what color was mine? Yours is one. White.
Very white. What's mine? Dark.
Dark. Exactly.

Speaker 1 It's forbidden.

Speaker 1 That's a cave. It's a forbidden place.
And let me say something. When you go inside there.
Was there poo?

Speaker 1 Yeah, definitely poo. But there's other things too, like matchbox cars.
Yeah, there's a little tiny ring inside of there. There's a little ring in there.
Somebody's wedding ring is in there, right?

Speaker 1 Just fingernails from Kalila. Loose fingernails, matchbox cars.
And also, there's one cigarette in there for case of emergency, break for emergency. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have you ever read Hemorrhoids?

Speaker 1 Never?

Speaker 1 You know what? The thing is, is the forbidden place,

Speaker 1 my little dark

Speaker 1 forbidden place. I've had them.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, there's black magic going on in there. There's a little bit bit of doc is in your ass.

Speaker 1 Little doc. There's a little bit of document.
His little magic is in there. Raise your hand at the studio if you've had a hemorrhoid.
Pete, I know you've had a bad one. I've never had one.

Speaker 1 No, I never have. Fans? Nope.
You?

Speaker 1 I've had a few.

Speaker 1 Because of stress? Because of you. What? The first week on the show, I got three hemorrhoids.

Speaker 1 I'm not kidding. Really?

Speaker 1 They all popped up. What is a hemorrhoid? Is it a bump? Bap, bab, bap.
That's where Whitney got it from.

Speaker 1 What is it? It's an inflammation of the skin on the anus.

Speaker 1 And what it does is

Speaker 1 it's like a pressure stress bump. It's like, I think it's the muscle.
It's your

Speaker 1 intestine coming out. It's the what? Intestine? Yeah.
Intestine? Say that again. Intestine.
Yeah. Look at there it is.
Oh, so it's like when you have

Speaker 1 when you make love to a girl and you see she has a little pink tail with a little tube sticking out.

Speaker 1 That's a hemorrhoid. That's exactly right.
I love when that happens, though. Right? Because I'm like, is that a mole?

Speaker 1 I mean, I love it. So I've had those before.
Man, is it because of stress?

Speaker 1 Can be. It can be from pushing too hard when you poop.

Speaker 1 It can be from going too much. It can be from going too little.
There's a million reasons that I get them. Because I've always had like

Speaker 1 a bad diet. It's been you.
I don't think so. My doctor literally said, we can't explain this.
Do you spend an hour a week with a Korean guy by chance?

Speaker 1 I said you better believe that.

Speaker 1 He never said that. Really? Yes.
That's sad. Dr.
Wong said that.

Speaker 1 He's an Asian guy, too. Yeah.
Chinese? Yeah. Yeah.
Doesn't like Korean dudes? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's coming from his point of view.

Speaker 1 He's not college. He led me down that path.
I said, I do do a podcast with a Korean guy. He goes, this is where the.
China guy, he probably supports a Russian guy, too.

Speaker 1 What's going on in Ukraine? I get it.

Speaker 1 Look at this. I did an interview this morning with, I wish I could have taped it.
I did a Zoom with Fox, like local Fox syndicate for Vegas, because I'm playing Vegas this weekend.

Speaker 1 The guy goes, and it was cutting in and out. You know, those TV, they were terrible.
They're so hard to do. Did you do this through Zoom? Yeah, because I couldn't be there.

Speaker 1 So he's like, I'm Zooming and it's cutting in and out.

Speaker 1 And he goes, we tried to look for a clip of you being family friendly and we couldn't find it in your stand-up and we definitely couldn't find it on your podcast.

Speaker 1 And I said, yeah, this is not, this isn't for kids. This show is for grown-ups.
And he goes, well, what if someone comes to a show, this must happen, and they don't like what they hear?

Speaker 1 I go, well, they can get out.

Speaker 1 And I said, you know what else I'll do? I'll refund their money. I'll give them back their money if they didn't like it.

Speaker 1 And I'll buy them a first-class plane ticket to Russia because this this is america and we like freedom bitch go fancy sing absolutely sing give me the america for give me an american song go fans o see

Speaker 1 that's all you know yeah yeah and we let you into this country as a fucking citizen and that's all you know i know i had a cheat card did you really yeah what you cheated through the test yep fans

Speaker 1 call somebody that's fucking crazy that's crazy that's crazy call somebody Can we report him?

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's report him. Should we report him to ICE? Too late.

Speaker 1 Do you have the card? I do. What does this mean? You don't.

Speaker 1 Wait, you are now a legit American citizen? Yeah. That's fucking crazy.
Wait a minute. Did you really cheat?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 You took the test legitimately. Yeah.
I'm going to call an ICE agent right now. I'm serious because this isn't cool.
You're fucked. Hey, you laughing now?

Speaker 1 I know Marcus. He's fucking mean, dude.
He's mean as shit. He's it by the book.
Get up to put it down. You put that down.
Marcus. Marcus.

Speaker 1 Yes. Marcus.

Speaker 1 I got a guy here.

Speaker 1 Mark?

Speaker 1 Hello. Sorry about that.
Hey, buddy. I have a guy here named.

Speaker 1 I got these kids trying to play with these. You don't get pencils.

Speaker 2 Hello? Not my little scare.

Speaker 1 Marcus, I have a guy here who claims to have gotten his American citizenship today, and he...

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, you know? Yeah, they're basically handing those things out. Good luck.

Speaker 1 And he tells me that. He tells me he cheated on the test to get into the country.
He's standing right here. What can we do to get him back out of here? He's a

Speaker 1 Spanish citizen, but now he's American. Is he gay?

Speaker 1 Does it help? Does it help if he is? Big. Big time.
Big time. Yes, he is.
Let him stay. You're good to go.
Thank you, Marcus. Love you.

Speaker 1 All right, no pencils.

Speaker 1 These kids with the pencils dude. Nuts.
He has 15 kids, and he teaches them. He's homeschooling.
Yeah. And he just throws pencils all over the room.
I've been there at house. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Living room. And he's just always yelling.
It's kind of nuts. Stop the pencil.
It's really irresponsible. Yeah.
Did you ever go on the road and have to do in-house morning shows? All the time.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? I did it a thousand times. Yeah.
How did you feel those mornings? I would bomb every single day.

Speaker 1 I'd wake up with such dread. I hated it.
Hated it. Hated it.
And because I was so edgy and everything out of my mouth was so filthy, filthy, no one ever

Speaker 1 moved tickets. No, it doesn't.
Yeah, yeah. So the club owner was like, yeah, nothing.

Speaker 1 No, you did, but it was, thanks for doing it. Yeah.
So I just stopped doing it. They don't want you there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe you said I don't look good in green at all.

Speaker 1 You look. It looks like shit.
Yeah. Yeah, it's not my color.
So, um, you're right, though. Honestly, it's not for me.
I have some news. You're more pale.
I'm more pale now with this.

Speaker 1 I have some news I want to share. Please.

Speaker 1 I've been doing some soul searching. Rudy, you think it looks that bad, huh?

Speaker 1 All right, go ahead. Andreas, go ahead.

Speaker 1 I think I'm definitely going to adopt.

Speaker 1 I'm waiting for the joke. There's no joke.
You're going to adopt a kid. Yeah.
You really are. I think I'm going to.

Speaker 1 Why are you laughing? I'm not. Please don't.
I think it's gracious. I did some soul searching.

Speaker 1 Why are you... What? Because.
What? It's like a stringent process. I'm going to start.

Speaker 1 But you have to qualify. Well, if I don't get qualified, well, I'm going to lie, just like he did lie to the test.
There's going to be some. I know, but I think becoming a citizen is less.

Speaker 1 First of all, I'm going to work out.

Speaker 1 I'll look good. What is that? I'll just look good.
I don't want to look like a slob, right? So

Speaker 1 I'm getting pedicures done. Do you know that? No, on your.
Not on my fingers, but my fingers. You can see my foot? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I guess, sadly.

Speaker 1 You're painting them. No, I went to the professional.
Who painted? What came out on the table there of your foot? What is that? It's probably just debris. But debris.
Move. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, um. So wait a minute.
You think getting in good shape, looking good, is going to help you adopt a kid? There's a variety of things I'm going to do.

Speaker 1 I think the Porsche MeCon is a part of the.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's why you're doing the Mecca. Right.
Have you spoken to Kyla about this? Yeah, we've been talking about it. And she says, let's adopt.
She's on the...

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 You really want to do this. I really do.
And

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what I'm doing. So I'm getting my nails done now.

Speaker 1 You know, I've been losing weight. Can you tell? Why are you laughing? It hurts when you're doing it.
I think this is awesome. Stop laughing.
No, I'm not laughing. All right.

Speaker 1 It really hurts when you do. Okay, I won't laugh.
Right. It's a dream of mine.
So

Speaker 1 what I've been watching. Why are you laughing? I'm not.
All right. So what I've been doing is I've been.

Speaker 1 Not playing video games as much.

Speaker 1 So at nights I go, after an hour and a half, I tell the guys at Warzone,

Speaker 1 my fire team is called the Silly Billies. Oh, Silly Billies.
Yeah, so I go, Silly Billies, you were part of it too. You put it on.
I was a silly billy guy. Yeah, but I go, I'll go, I'm off, I'm done.

Speaker 1 And they're like, really? It's only midnight. I go, I know, but I might be a father.
Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did I not tell you that in the car?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but are you going to take care of it? That's right. That's a good question.

Speaker 1 That's a great question. I'm going to take care of it.
You're going to be out of the house. I need room.
Yeah, he doesn't. You're out.
Yeah, you're out. And you said, who's to take care of it?

Speaker 1 I'm going to take care of it. You don't know how.
And you said that you wanted to live on your own. You're doing good.
Right? Hit him. Hit him hard.
And why do you want to live on your own?

Speaker 1 Because you want numbers.

Speaker 1 Huh? Yeah, you want.

Speaker 1 Don't fucking play dumb with me. Don't play dumb with me.
You went to a party and you got COVID because you're trying to catch some dick. No!

Speaker 1 You fucking dirtbag.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 You want to move out because you want to become. I want to move out because to Bob, he's annoying.

Speaker 1 Oh, here we go. Really? How annoying am I? Was I annoying when you broke my car?

Speaker 1 Did you hear what happened? I didn't break your car. You used it last night and then I used it this morning and then it broke down.
Oh, really? But see, when I was driving it at night, right?

Speaker 1 It was smooth. It was flowing smooth as a whistle.
No, because when I turned it on, it said maintenance required. What did you do?

Speaker 1 Did you maintain it? Mine didn't say that. No, because I was going to school.
Well, Well, you didn't fucking, it was required and you didn't do it. Whose fault is that? This is maintenance required.

Speaker 1 You got to get it fucking required. You think the machine is lying to you? But I can't skip class.
Oh, fuck you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Asians.
I cannot have to go to class.

Speaker 1 Go to go get it. I'm going to fucking dump it.
I'm going to curve.

Speaker 1 You're going to fuck up the curve? No. Get the car fixed because I gave it to you.
Now you feel bad, so apologize. Okay, she won't.
All right, so are you mad at me right now? No. Okay.

Speaker 1 So you're going to move out because you want to be free and catch Did you all day long? I want to, yeah, I want to move out. And then when I adopt a kid, right? Simone or whatever the kid's name is.

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought you said it was going to be Samoan. A Samoan kid will be bigger than me.

Speaker 1 Everyone's, every kid's bigger than me. That's true, but he's just going to be much bigger.
Look at that. Yeah.
That could be your son. I know.
And I know how to play rugby. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I don't know how to roast a pig. But also, maybe this is good growth for you.
Maybe you do need a son who's bigger than you. Yeah, yeah.
You know, he's more Asian. I want to go outside of my race.

Speaker 1 I'm going to come in. Great.
Let's just, I'll come in. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so I open the door. Hello.
Bobby, hi. Well, let me start over because I'm not going to say hello.
Why are you saying hello? Because I wanted to be a different guy. But you're you.

Speaker 1 I'm going to just be myself, but like a little bit more serious. Do whatever you would do if this is the real fight.
All right, here we go. This is my associate.
This is my associate.

Speaker 1 No, I want to be the kid. You got it.
Oh, you think the kids is in the fucking room? They are. All right.
Well, take it then. They're not going to do that.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, because they want to know if the kid has any interest in you.

Speaker 1 Doesn't happen later? I don't know, but let's find out. All right.

Speaker 1 Good evening. It's four in the morning.

Speaker 1 What are you doing in our fucking office? No, no, no, it's dark. Yes, but 4 a.m.
Why are you here? I made the assumption that it was evening. I apologize.
Good morning. Good morning.
How are you?

Speaker 1 Good morning.

Speaker 1 Hello. Are you open?

Speaker 1 I mean, you walked in.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I'm sorry, I didn't see a sign

Speaker 1 whether it was open or closed, but I know this is an adoption agency. Am I correct? It is, but we're usually not open until, you know, like,

Speaker 1 should I come back? Well, you're here now, so

Speaker 1 what would you like? Hello. Hi.
My name is Mr. Lee.
Hi, Mr. Lee.
Good to meet you. And I would love to adopt a child, if you may.

Speaker 1 You're looking to adopt? It's a long, arduous process.

Speaker 1 That's fine. Does cash help?

Speaker 1 How much cash do you have, sir? A couple grand.

Speaker 1 It's much, much more than that. 100 grand? Much more than that.
A couple hundred grand. That's fine.
That's close. I have a couple hundred grand.
What color of child are you looking for?

Speaker 1 I don't want core core. Okay, so you want either black or white?

Speaker 1 No white. No white.
No. We have an awful lot of white spirits.
Because if I get a white, I just know this, because I watch a show called Long Last Family. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 And there's a lot of white people on this show. And so it's like, I just want to know who...

Speaker 1 You know, my biological parents are. When they had a good life with the adoptive parents, that's fucking betrayal.
Okay. All All right.
So can I tell you something? I feel... I don't know.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm not, sir, your energy right now?

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm not going to get one right now. My energy.

Speaker 1 Chime, you know, when I was younger,

Speaker 1 I was terrible at banking. I was abused.
So bad.

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Speaker 1 Hydro. I got it.
You? They gave me one. I got one at the house.
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Speaker 1 Bespoke Post. I'll tell you something right now, man.
I love the Box of Awesome. Box of Awesome is great.
Let me say something. During the holidays, like Christmas or my birthdays and whatnot, right?

Speaker 1 I love opening up a Box of Awesome because they know what I like, and I open it up, and it's like the kind of soaps I like, right?

Speaker 1 They have cool knickknacks in these boxes. Bespoke Post and their new seasonal lineup of Must Have Box of Awesome collections.

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Speaker 1 I think it was the Frontier package, is what it was, right? Isn't that what it was? Yeah. It was developed in 1980.

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Speaker 1 Pablo Picasso used the number eight to carve his sculptures, and Navy officer Eric Talibari and Arte Explorer Jean-Louis Etienne, a record-sending sailor, were swore by theirs.

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Speaker 1 Raycon.

Speaker 1 Hey, I go running a lot. No, I go running a lot, and I know you don't run, but I do.
But I know you do the Peloton. I do the Peloton.
And I'm not kidding. I called you and you joked around.

Speaker 1 You said, you call me. I'm on my Peloton.
I have my Raycons in. I was running with Raycon's in.
I love the Raycon's. And the world's converged.

Speaker 1 When you and I have Raycons at the same time, you know what I mean? My channels tingle. Do they? Yeah.
Well, then you know what I mean. Because I think because it's the future.
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Speaker 1 You really want to fucking adopt a kid? I really do. Bobby Lee wants to adopt a kid.
Because I'll tell you why.

Speaker 1 I'll be honest with you. Please.
There's a show that I've been binging from season one to season six. 90 Day Fiancé.
No, Long Lost Family. This is real.
Bring this up.

Speaker 1 I've never heard of this in my life. What's Long Lost Family? And is it all about people that got adopted?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's basically a biological, not biological, an adopted kid or parents looking for their son, daughter, or mother, father, right? It's fucking so sweet.

Speaker 1 But it's crazy because some of them are so heartbreaking. Yeah.
You know what I mean? And so it's a great show, and you cry in every episode. And I realized that,

Speaker 1 you know, a lot of kids, they just need a loving home. They need love.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And for me, it's like, I wouldn't even like when they when they're curious about their biological parents, I'd be, I would keep all the information and I would help them find, you know, their bio.

Speaker 1 And then, you know.

Speaker 1 What is this? It's just me being, I'm just, right now when I, when I'm more real, You're being real right now. Right now, I guess get a little jittery.

Speaker 1 Okay, so one of my best friends from college was adopted. Uh-huh.
And this is a true story.

Speaker 1 And his mom, his biological mom, one day reached out because of Facebook. Facebook is this way to connect to anybody in the world.

Speaker 1 She DM'd him and was like, hey, were you born in this location at this year? Because I think I'm your mother. Yeah.
And if you want to meet up, let me know. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to tell you. Do you think he met up with this woman? Yes.
What about you? Yes, Pete? Yes. Yeah.
No. Why?

Speaker 1 I think he had such a wonderful life with his adopted parents, who are the fucking greatest people I've ever met. I love them.
Yeah. And that was his mom and dad to him.
And he didn't want to meet up.

Speaker 1 And by the way, he's a fucking adopted kid. He has every right to feel that way.
You don't know what that's like. So we can't judge.
I don't judge. I can judge by watching the show.
I can. You can't.

Speaker 1 I will. You can't because you've never lived that experience.
But here's the thing. You don't know what it's like.
He doesn't know the circumstances in which.

Speaker 1 His own life. No.
Listen. Would you listen for one and make that face that you make? Right?

Speaker 1 He doesn't know the circumstances in which why his parents gave him up. He does.
She told him,

Speaker 1 she said, why? Why? Because she got pregnant really young and it was with a guy she was seeing and she couldn't, she didn't want to have the baby.

Speaker 1 Like when a kid, when a mother, like if when you were 15, if you had a kid, right, and you couldn't back in the Philippines, you couldn't, you know what I mean, you would probably give it up for adoption or not.

Speaker 1 They have it in the Philippines. They have it and they put it outside.
They let it run around. Oh, that's right.
Until somebody grabs it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I'm saying, his circumstance, it's his right to feel like he doesn't want to go fucking meet those people. I totally stand with him.
Good for him.

Speaker 1 He's not being mean. He just chooses not to go see them.
His family to him were the people that raised him.

Speaker 1 Because, dude, let me tell you something. As a guy who came from somebody

Speaker 1 whose biological father never raised me, my stepfather did. That's my dad.
My stepfather is my dad. He was my, dude, he was everything to me.
My biological father is a guy that had me. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you not talk to him? We do occasionally. Does he have red hair? In California? No, does he have red hair? Where do you get your red hair from?

Speaker 1 Yeah, my mom's side. Oh, yeah.
My dad's Sicily. I know she is.
My last name's Santino. I know she's.
It's really easy math to figure out where it comes from. What? You think a Santino had red hair?

Speaker 1 No. Right.
Because they're Italian. That's right.
And your mother had.

Speaker 1 That's right. And I remember that because I saw her vagina.
So, anyway.

Speaker 1 Why do you get angry when I do that? I did nothing.

Speaker 1 I faked it because you said something stupid.

Speaker 1 Pick up the yard. I was just sorry.
So I saw an episode this morning where this young Hispanic couple, Cuban,

Speaker 1 you know, the girl was 15, the husband was 16, they were in high school. And they had a kid.
They had a kid. They gave it up for adoption because they're kids.

Speaker 1 But then, when they graduated, they got married and had like five kids, biological kids on their own. Oh, wow.
But the whole time, they're thinking about the kid they gave up. Yeah.
Right?

Speaker 1 Because they had that. And then when they find the kid,

Speaker 1 the kid

Speaker 1 DJs like his dad did. Like, there's certain...
What's so funny?

Speaker 1 What, what, what?

Speaker 1 He DJs like daddy. What is that? How can you DJs? But there's another one where a

Speaker 1 girl found her biological dad.

Speaker 1 She has a... She's...

Speaker 1 That's my boy! DJ like your dad? What a fucking bullshit. That's bullshit.
They have the same interests. Is what I'm saying.
DJing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 There was another girl who has an animal sanctuary, but then she finds her biological dad, and he has an animal sanctuary, too, right? So, they have so it's in the blood, is what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 You think that's in the blood? Oh, you think it's just a coincidence? I do, really, I do, I do, okay.

Speaker 1 And can I tell you something? What I can't wait for you to adopt. Will you treat my son or daughter with respect? Bully, bully, bully.
I'm gonna bully the shit out of your kids. How about you?

Speaker 1 I'm gonna bully them.

Speaker 1 Air high five.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait, so really, though, let's go back for a second. I'm not going to be mean because I love you.
You're like family to me. You're like my little sister.

Speaker 1 Do you really want your own place because you want to be able to hang out with people your own age and have a boy come over? You do, don't you? Yeah. See?

Speaker 1 So you, listen, it's okay.

Speaker 1 How old are you now? 20. So

Speaker 1 if you want to go on a date and hook up, you want a place to do it because you don't want to go back to their house. That's really what it is.
No, I also just want to live independently.

Speaker 1 I know, but come on. You do want to be able to hang out with boys and not feel weird.
Yeah, that's really what it is. But she doesn't realize that.
That's what it is. She's 20.

Speaker 1 She doesn't pay rent at our house. She doesn't pay for really much of anything.
How much is rent? Do you know how much rent is?

Speaker 1 Like, what would be your scale of renting an apartment? How much would it be?

Speaker 1 I was looking it up. It was like

Speaker 1 almost

Speaker 1 like $1,200 to $2,000. That's about right.
Do you think you're going to afford it? And that's with a roommate? Yeah, with a roommate. Can you afford that? No.
Right. So what are we talking about here?

Speaker 1 Who's going to pay for it? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Okay. I'm saving.
You're saving. But what I'm saying is that even when you save, right, and you have to pay, you don't know the roommate usually sometimes, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, $1,400 a month. They're annoying as fuck, right? They play their music really loud at four in the morning.
You're not going to have the dogs or the cats.

Speaker 1 You won't, because they're going to be with us. Right?

Speaker 1 You're going to be very lonely. You're not going to be able to eat whatever you want to.
You can eat whatever. We go to whatever you want, I say.
You want La Merch? We'll go to to La Merch.

Speaker 1 You want a Boa steakhouse? We'll go to Spoa Steakhouse, right? For free. I can just eat McDonald's.
Look at that. Yeah.
790 square foot averages $2,500 a month.

Speaker 1 Wow. Good luck.

Speaker 1 So you think

Speaker 1 if you eat McDonald's and you don't have a car payment

Speaker 1 and you live with a roommate

Speaker 1 and you

Speaker 1 penny pinch.

Speaker 1 It's penny pinch.

Speaker 1 If you'll sit in your room and you grab two little penny, two little coins, and you just squeeze it.

Speaker 1 Do you make more money? You make more money. That's how more money comes out.
That's where it comes from. Well, the penny angel comes.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen a penny angel? Show her the penny angel. It's insane.

Speaker 1 That's not real. Yes, it's folklore.
No, it's a wives tale. But if you pent, you never heard penny pincher.
You pinch it tight, and a penny angel comes. Okay, so see that little symbol?

Speaker 1 That's a penny angel. That's a penny angel.
So the penny angel will come into your room and go,

Speaker 1 hello, I'm the penny angel.

Speaker 1 And it says to you, how many pennies would you need? Yeah, and what do you say? But why penny? Can I get like 50 bucks each? Well, yes, if you tell me how many pennies is in 50 bucks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so you have to tell her the math. If you tell her the math, she'll be able to give it to you.
Did I get like 10,000? 10,000 pennies? Yeah. How many monies is that? I don't know.
Goodbye.

Speaker 1 You have to do math? Yep.

Speaker 1 What the fuck you think money is free? And she doesn't have a lot of of time because there's probably 10 million people at the same time penny pinching. She has to go to the...
And you know what?

Speaker 1 The penny angel is carrying not only pennies, but other denominations for other fucking countries. Obviously.
He's got rubies. He's got fucking pesos.

Speaker 1 Whatever the angel is. It's whatever it is to you.
It doesn't have to be a single thing. It's thousands.
It's gender. It's just thousands and thousands of pounds of just coins.
She's flying around.

Speaker 1 And she only has a second. And you fucked up.
You fucked up. I'll just stay with you, Tubabbi.
Good, that sounds good. Forever.
Not forever. Well, forever.

Speaker 1 As long as we need you to be at his house, you'll be at his house. Yeah.
I won't take care of your kid. You will? No.

Speaker 1 I won't. Why? Because it's your kid.
Yeah, but it's your kid if you're living in a house, too. It's your little brother.

Speaker 1 If I have to go to the comedy store and do a set, you've got to take care of it. If Lila's out of town, right? What do I do? Should I get a babysitter? You're a fucking babysitter.
No.

Speaker 1 I'm going to take care of the dogs. And the kid.
And the kid. No, that's not my favorite.
Well, here's the fix.

Speaker 1 Dummy. Put the kid on the dog, tie it to it, or duct tape it.
Yeah. And then let them watch each other.
Mm-hmm. That's what we did.
Yeah. You just put duct tape on the kid and

Speaker 1 duct tape its hands and its legs to the dog and let it roam around. The dog's big enough.
Mm-hmm. Or what about this? Why don't we duct tape the baby to your body? No.

Speaker 1 That's a fucking great idea.

Speaker 1 We duct tape it. What if you stick it in your body? Whoa.

Speaker 1 This whole thing, though, it's bothering me. What is? You're a bull in a China shop.
Have you ever heard that phrase? How can a bull even get in a China shop? The doors are. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Can they fit in the door of the bull? Of course, there's a double door. Has the bull ever been in a China shop? Yes.
No,

Speaker 1 it's never happened. Well, first of all, I've never, have you ever been in a, I'm not saying a pure award imports or a bed bath in the chat? I've been to a China shop.

Speaker 1 You've been to a China shop where they only have China people.

Speaker 1 No, not cheese people, not Chinese people.

Speaker 1 The dishes and stuff. Yeah, at a Chinese restaurant.
No, no, no, no, no, no. A China shop is different.
No, No, it's not. What is the difference? A China shop sells dishes and stuff.

Speaker 1 The only recorded incident I know of which a bull was deliberately introduced to a China shop was one engineered by a famous American publicism press agent, Jim Moran, who in January 1940 led a bull through a New York City China shop as a publicity stunt.

Speaker 1 So it did happen. One time.
That's insane. That's enough for me.
And then now we use it as a turn of phrase. Yeah.
But I got to tell you, you could put a bull in a China shop.

Speaker 1 I'd rather put it in a Korean shop.

Speaker 1 That's rude. Why?

Speaker 1 You think we're going to eat it?

Speaker 1 What do you think bull tastes like? Well, I'm sure bull is a male cow, so it's probably delicious. Yeah, right? Yeah.
Well, no, actually, no, because there's probably not enough fat.

Speaker 1 It's probably more muscle than bullshit. But we have

Speaker 1 this restaurant we go to,

Speaker 1 Sunundang. Sunundang.
You've been there? Yeah. Have you, really? Yeah, in Koreatown.
Yeah, yeah. On Western,

Speaker 1 we get the oxtail soup. Oxtail soup is really good.

Speaker 1 That's really good shit. You like that?

Speaker 1 You do. So you're okay with that kind of stuff? Yeah.
But you don't like most Korean food? I like Korean foods. That's not what you said to me off camera.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you something. Doc said

Speaker 1 Doc doesn't like it. What's better, Korean food or Filipino food?

Speaker 1 Be honest.

Speaker 1 Korean food. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What is Filipino food anyway? Filipino food is very delicious. Is it? Yeah.
When we went to that island, remember we went to that island in the Philippines? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you go to this beach, and there's this gigantic table, probably double the size of this, right? And there's a fish on there and other stuff on it. There's no plates

Speaker 1 at all. You should eat with your hands? Yeah, and they just go dig in, and you just eat with your hands and eat.
That's kind of cool, though. It's cool.

Speaker 1 Because why cutlery gets so it's like you have to wash all that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I do like eating with my hands. I don't know why we don't eat with our hands all the time.

Speaker 1 There's the enzymes in your hands that are good for you. You know that, right? And they also have Michelin Star quality restaurants.
In the Philippines? In Cebu, yeah. Wow.
Really great restaurants.

Speaker 1 You've never been. No.
Yeah, yeah. You shouldn't.
You don't deserve it. They're afraid to, you know, in the Philippines, they're afraid to go into what?

Speaker 1 Because if they think it's too snooty, the shower? Oh, Starbucks. Oh, they won't go in.
That's for rich people. Is it expensive? Kinda.
And, like,

Speaker 1 the people that go there are like the rich people. What are the rich people? What did, like, what is that? What does that even mean? Like, someone that owns two goats? Yeah.

Speaker 1 At the same time, I said two goats.

Speaker 1 They have shoes.

Speaker 1 Hey, I saw Batman, by the way. Finally, we can resolve this.

Speaker 1 I saw it.

Speaker 1 When did you see it? Finally, when'd you see it? The Batman two nights ago. Who'd you see it with? By myself.

Speaker 1 Tracy didn't go? Your wife? Tracy didn't go. Okay.

Speaker 1 And it was

Speaker 1 pretty fucking... Dog shit.

Speaker 1 Stand by my word, Samson Simpson. It was trash.
It's so funny. A A guy on Twitter

Speaker 1 said,

Speaker 1 and I have it because I responded to him. I saw I responded to you.
Did you? Yeah. What did he say? He said, I was siding with Andrew, and then I saw it, and he said, I think it's the best one yet.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, so one guy on Twitter. No, a lot of people are saying that.
And you said, I'm always right.

Speaker 1 What is wrong? What did you not like about it? And I responded, Bobby's always won. What did you not like about it? Thank you, Jules.

Speaker 1 I heard the wong.

Speaker 1 What did I not like about the movie? That we've talked about it for like five weeks straight.

Speaker 1 I think we've talked about it in every episode of the movie. I know, but you finally have seen it, so now we can get a real.
Don't care about it. It was bullshit.

Speaker 1 Okay. It was bullshit.

Speaker 1 None of the performances were good. Nope.

Speaker 1 Okay. Nope.

Speaker 1 85.

Speaker 1 I don't. Actually, the only score I trust is audience.
I don't trust it to Matameter. So 88 is pretty good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What was Dark Knight? 94.

Speaker 1 Jesus. You're welcome.

Speaker 1 Not even close.

Speaker 1 The Dark Knight was so fucking good, it can't be touched. It can't be fancy?

Speaker 1 I agree.

Speaker 1 It is so fucking good. It's amazing.
And

Speaker 1 this new one, it's just because we all wanted another one. It's not because it's that good.
You never saw it. I did.
There's no way you did. I did.
I saw it two nights ago. Okay.

Speaker 1 Nothing about it.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you this. Don't stew any spoilers.
I'm not. But the chasing you didn't like between the Batman and who.
Great. The chasing was great.
Between who?

Speaker 1 The chase scene was great. Between Batman and who? Batman and Robin.
You never saw it. You fucking asshole.
You fucking asshole. You never saw it.
It was the Riddler. No, it wasn't.

Speaker 1 It was the Riddler. No, it wasn't.
It was the Joker.

Speaker 1 You didn't see it. Why would you love

Speaker 1 Poison Ivy? Why didn't you just watch the movie? No, it was the Penguin. Why didn't you just watch the movie? It was the Penguin.
I just said it. It was the Penguin.
It was the Penguin.

Speaker 1 Yes, I just said it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I told you I said it. There was nothing about it you liked.
It was fine. How come you didn't get Castape the Penguin?

Speaker 1 You literally are a penguin body, and I'm not being rude or diminutive. You actually have a penguin body.
It's perfect. Bring him a picture of a penguin right now, please.

Speaker 1 You think I'm being rude? I'm being genuine. You don't think you look like a penguin?

Speaker 1 I look like a fucking leprechaun with this green shirt on. You don't think that looks like me.

Speaker 1 I look like a fucking leprechaun. You don't think you look like a penguin? That's what I look like.
Okay. This show should be called Leprechaun and the Penguins.
Six shots of Espresso, but not normal.

Speaker 1 That's 100% Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 Oh, go to the one with the hair, slick back. The yellow hair, slip back.
Yeah. Left, left, left.
There. Bobby Lee.
That is me. Profile.
Bobby Lee. That's true.
That is 100%. Jules loves it.

Speaker 1 You're the Penguin. I'm the Penguin.
All right.

Speaker 1 I should have got kept.

Speaker 1 You should have been the Penguin. Yeah.
The Batman, the new Batman movie was great. It was great.
You did like it. Yeah, but it wasn't the dark night.
I know, but it was still when you walked out.

Speaker 1 But it wasn't the dark night. Would you watch the next one?

Speaker 1 Actually, would I watch? I would want to watch it with another different Batman, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you didn't like Robert Patterson? I went into it with bias. But you didn't like him.
I thought he was great. Dude, he's a great actor.

Speaker 1 I didn't want him as Batman, so in my mind, I already fucked it up. I know, but it's like you can still change your mind and go, I was wrong.
The problem with you, in always, is that you are stubborn.

Speaker 1 You're a very stubborn person. No, I'm not.
Yeah, and you're revengeful.

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Speaker 1 roman.com slash bad friends the last week i did something we were doing comedy back to back right what are you talking about at the in the main room oh yeah

Speaker 1 when they were bringing you up on stage i would block you from going on stage timeout says that stuff let me finish let me fucking finish i wasn't even done talking you can't fucking interrupt me but you have to say something that's correct

Speaker 1 three weeks in a row three weeks in a row we're in the main room green room and bobby blocks the door from me going on stage and then i have to fight him on it and then he goes stop you're hurting me when you fucking block me from going on stage right and then so last night is what you're talking about yeah then I held you from getting on stage that's called that's being you're revengeful that's paying you back that's that's a payback is your deal what do you mean revenge what would I do let you just not let you get away let it go that's my thing what's your thing blocking people

Speaker 1 you steal I steal what? You steal pranks. You steal other things.
I stole you blocking you. Yeah, that's my thing.
Oh, that's your bit. My essence.
Oh, that's your your bit. That's my bit.

Speaker 1 Oh, I got it. And you did the same thing.
I'm going to do the same thing. It was so dumb.
And also, can I just say something?

Speaker 1 Keenan was in the audience. You want to talk about dumb.
I need to go up on stage. You want to talk about dumb.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're going to

Speaker 1 bring up something. If you're going to bring up something, I'm going to bring up Rap 2.

Speaker 1 Okay. Go ahead.
No, go ahead.

Speaker 1 Tell me. Tell me.
So last night, I was going to go up on stage, and you go, how does it feel like, buddy? Yeah, I said, how does it feel, please? How does it feel, you little fucking bitch?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And it's like, number one, and I can tell you weird because first of all it people that haven't seen us back to back like in real life you're six foot something six one.
I'm five one too.

Speaker 1 That's ten feet.

Speaker 1 Twelve feet. Yeah, I'm way taller.
Yeah, and so you're a bully because I can't get through you. You can really get through me.
I couldn't get through you. Yes, you can.
You set your dog.

Speaker 1 I'm a penguin, apparently. You're wide as you can.
You can't wipe out a penguin? You're as wide as the door. It's hard to get around you.
You're like a fucking doorstop.

Speaker 1 How do I get around that thing? All right, so what I'm saying is it's like putting a fucking bowling ball. You're a bully.
What you you did last night was bully. You started it.
It's my prank.

Speaker 1 It's not a prank. It's what a little man does.
It's what a little man does to the big man. It's because the little man feels insecure, and that's your problem, not mine.
But the big man?

Speaker 1 So go outside. When the big man does to the little man, it looks weird.
You, by the way, you start that stuff at the store. And Bobby had a fucking phenomenal set last night.
It was a little annoying.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, Keenan Thompson came to watch Bobby, watch Bobby crush Keenan Thompson. Shout out to that fucking dude.
He's a comedian. One of the nice guys.

Speaker 1 I think he's one of the best comedians that's ever graced that show. And And I'm not placating.
I actually mean that because every time I see him, I'm always like, God, that's he's so.

Speaker 1 It looks like he's having fun, whatever that means. It looks like he's having a good time.
But he watched you.

Speaker 1 Well, first he came up, then he left. I was in the park.
He gave me a hug. Gave me a hug.
Big hug. He goes, How you doing, man? I go, good.
What is that? An impression of Kenan?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 And I go, There he is. You know him? Yeah, from SNL.
Yeah, she watches us. So Kenan comes up and he gives me a hug, and I go,

Speaker 1 oh, you're going to watch? He's like, I want to watch you. So he comes in, right? And, you know, he blocks me from the stage to go up.
Yep. So Keenan's in the audience.
Keenan doesn't know.

Speaker 1 And I'm trying to get up.

Speaker 1 I know, but I'm trying to get up, right? Which fucked me up. You still did great.
Well, I'm a professional.

Speaker 1 I'm a pro. Okay.
Right.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 because you blocked me, when I left the stage, I go, Keenan.

Speaker 1 What does that mean? Let's leave the room. Oh, because I was going on now.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I wanted him out of the room.

Speaker 1 I was actually telling someone, I go, can you get those guys out of the seats, out of the room? Can I say, I have another resentment towards you? Please.

Speaker 1 When we talk about real things, don't roll your eyes, dude. Okay, you say out of nowhere, I have a resentment towards you.
What do you want my fucking reaction to be?

Speaker 1 Being curious to see what you're doing. Okay, say it again.
So you can resolve it. Say it again.
I'll be curious. Go ahead.
And out of love. Say it again.
I have a resentment towards you. What is it?

Speaker 1 Do the OI roll. It's better.
Okay. Yeah, it's more working.
Do it again. Yeah, yeah.
I have a resentment towards you. What is it? Okay, good.

Speaker 1 So you went up in the main room, and I don't know why, but at the comedy store, Emily in the main room thinks that it's just better to put me after him. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's not. It is.
Rhythmically, it is. I don't think so.
It works better. And

Speaker 1 you know, you've been doing way more stand-up than me. And I have to admit right now, and I think you'll like this.
I will admit this to the world. You're a better stand-up than I am.

Speaker 1 You have better jokes. It's just we're different.

Speaker 1 Dude, it's, I don't know what you're doing right now because this is the kind of shit that you agree with. Thank you.
That's not on camera. You would say something else.
No, I wouldn't. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I would say you're a fucking liar. Thank you for saying something nice, but we're very different.

Speaker 1 No, that's true. Yes.
But the other night, you crushed hard. I did okay.

Speaker 1 Fuck it. It's like okay, okay.
I did great. You Crushed hard.
It was good.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 You brought me up. Yeah.
Pretty good intro. I give you always good intros.
Great. But I give better ones because I said I love you last night.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You never say love.

Speaker 1 Because you never say, I say I love him to the audience. It doesn't get a laugh.
You want to get a laugh. When I bring you up, I'm very sincere.
I go, I love him.

Speaker 1 And you know that because when you went up on stage last night, you go, that's really nice that you said that. I said that was very nice.
Right, but you never say that about me.

Speaker 1 What do I say about you? I say nice. I love you.
I say, this guy's so crazy. He's one of my best friends.
We don't know what to do. So when I point together,

Speaker 1 when you went up, crushed, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And literally for a minute,

Speaker 1 silence. What do you mean? Oh, when you got on? When I went up.
No. Yes.
Yes. I couldn't get it going.
So then I'm like, now, because it's you that crushed.

Speaker 1 And also like half the, like quarter of the crowd are bad friend fans. So now I'm going, oh, no, no.
Oh, this is terrible. This sucks, right? And then I just started spinning.

Speaker 1 And the only way I could get laughs is riffing. Well, you killed.
So I had to riff to get some labs. It ended up killing me.

Speaker 1 And then afterwards, when I came up to you, I go, and I told you my thing, you mocked me. What?

Speaker 1 I go, I go, dude, because I really did eat it. I came off a switch.
I was sweating. And you know how your heart pounds.
You're like, what the fuck just happened? This all happened to us.

Speaker 1 And I go, I just ate it. And you're like, oh, fuck you.
No, you didn't. Not mock me, but like brushed me aside.
No, I was saying to you. But then I realized.
Let it go. Fuck you.

Speaker 1 What I realized later, the reason why you did that, because you ate it in the original room. I did bad.

Speaker 1 I heard that.

Speaker 1 That it was really embarrassing. It was embarrassing.
I just didn't do it. I didn't have a shot.
Shut up. I didn't have to say that.

Speaker 1 I heard it was the worst. Oh, and who said that? Whoever was on the lineup.
Who was on the lineup? Mark Maron. Mark said that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, he also said that. He just goes home.

Speaker 1 He tinkers with his cats. Yeah.
Shout out to Mark Maron and his fucking cats. Love him.

Speaker 1 So, do you know where Andreas's regular street clothes is? Would you take it? So you can still have to walk around. These are his regular street clothes.
That's insane.

Speaker 1 After you pass your citizenship test, you have to wear that. Right.

Speaker 2 I did not know.

Speaker 1 Don't you?

Speaker 1 It's funny to. It's funny because I keep looking down at where your piece should be.
Yeah. But there's almost nothing there.
It's like a Barbie doll. It's a Ken doll.
It's like Ken.

Speaker 1 No, you could have said Ken doll, same thing, but yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Fancy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 First of all, happy birthday. Thank you.
It's your fucking birthday. It is.
Bobby and I spent an enormous amount of money on your gifts. I bet.
All American gifts. I I went to like about seven months.

Speaker 1 Well, six, but yeah, six.

Speaker 1 Let's not exaggerate. I'm excited.
All right, well, let's open some of your gifts because it's your birthday. We're excited.

Speaker 1 This one specifically, this first one right there is specifically from Andrew. That's this is from me.
Yes, this is true. This is actually from me.
Very funny. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 And he got you.

Speaker 1 Oh, did the little American bird?

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's a no, it's a football kiddo.
I mean, football. Let me see you throw it, buddy.
Let's see you throw it to Big Red.

Speaker 1 Really good, sweetheart. wow put your hands up let's see me throw it to you back you ready can you catch this yeah

Speaker 1 nice

Speaker 1 and you can talk to it like in the movie castaway

Speaker 1 i will soon

Speaker 1 all right so that's your first american boy gift how do you feel about that that brown ball good good honestly i've never been with the wide ones what i like the wide ones better but it's a throw it to me yeah he likes them when it's wide

Speaker 1 Honestly, this, do you put your fingers in here like this? Yes. Yeah, the laser.
Don't you just throw it like this? You throw it like this and and spin it. They're very good.

Speaker 1 Here, let me see. Yeah, I don't know how to spin it.
Little American boy, right, I know. But here's coming up.

Speaker 1 Slowly. Don't let me.
That's what you get for calling my hand.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, slowly.

Speaker 1 There it is. Let me see.
One more time. Right here, right here, right here.
Wait, how do I?

Speaker 1 Laces, and then right there.

Speaker 1 Nice. Fuck.

Speaker 1 Jeez. Inches away from really.
That's how you do it, alright?

Speaker 1 Do it. Do it as hard as you can.
Hard as you can.

Speaker 1 Hard Hard as I can. Don't, don't do it.
No, no, you're not asking me before.

Speaker 1 Stop!

Speaker 1 American boy, you got your little football. All right, so that bag right there is for me.
Go ahead. This is from you? Yes, it's from Bobby.
Yeah, that's from

Speaker 1 this big one. Andrew will explain it because he knows.
Yep. There you go.
Do you know what this is? Viberis. Yeah, this is corn syrup.
So this is one of our favorite things as American citizens.

Speaker 1 We love it. We love this stuff.

Speaker 2 Jinta vanilla.

Speaker 1 So in the morning, I know you're going to think this is crazy because it's not in your test.

Speaker 1 This is kind of like, you know, kind of like when you learn Spanish, but there's street Spanish and then there's school Spanish. So this is an American thing they don't talk about.

Speaker 1 We take a shot of this every morning when we wake up. Oh, cool.

Speaker 1 Every morning we do. At night,

Speaker 1 you know that your ice cube tray? Yeah. You replace your water with that.
We freeze it, right? Yep. And you just stick a cube in your mouth while you're falling asleep.
That's right.

Speaker 1 So you can get a taste of it throughout the night. You can also use it for lube.
That's right. Very good lube.
Right.

Speaker 1 So the small red one is from Rudy. That's from Rudy.
That's from the dude. Rudy will explain why.
Yeah, Yeah, I'm not an American citizen. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 Rudy will explain why you give me the game. God damn it.
What is that, Rudy?

Speaker 1 Protein. Weight protein and

Speaker 1 a little weight. And why'd you give it to that to him? Because fancy needs to lose some weight.
No, well, that would damage.

Speaker 1 I'll take it. I'll take it.

Speaker 1 Let me see you do some curls. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Look at that.

Speaker 1 Can I teach you how to do curls? Put that stuff down real fast. Put them both down.
I'm going to teach you the easiest way.

Speaker 1 Put the protein down. This is the best.
I'm going to tell you the proper form to do curls. Put your hand like this.
And

Speaker 1 grab like a Coke can, okay?

Speaker 1 No, put it up above your head. And then, like, put, okay, and then go like this, ah, like that.
And then shake a salt shaker into your mouth. That's it? That's it.
Say this way. Say this place.

Speaker 1 Okay, next gift. Wow.

Speaker 1 Are you so happy you're getting all these gifts, Little American Boy?

Speaker 1 This one's from Pete. This is from Pete.
And this is from Pete and Carlos. And Carlos.
Oh, nice. Nice.
Who is that, Jules?

Speaker 1 So fucking fun. I knew she wasn't going to know.
Yeah. Who is that, Jules? The greatest American hero in history.
Period. Period.
In terms of music. Fought in fucking World War I, two, and three.

Speaker 1 And three. And three.
And three. The future one that's going to come up.
This guy's a fuck. This guy is.
Yeah. Dare I say the boss? Yeah.
Mick Jagger. Mick McGregor.
Fucking Jagger. You got it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you got it. That's Mick Jagger.

Speaker 1 We love Mick Jagger. My God.
Name one of his songs, Mick Jagger. That guy.

Speaker 1 What's one of his fucking songs?

Speaker 1 Foot Loose. Foot Loose.
Foot Loose. That's right.
Foot Loose by Mick Jagger.

Speaker 1 Sunday shoes. Yeah, that's right.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You don't like that. It's embarrassing.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 You know, Dua Lipa. You know the Jonas brothers.
Why would those information be yours?

Speaker 1 And you don't know who the fuck is embarrassing. Hey, it's his birthday.
That's why he's trying to open up gifts. What do you got there, buddy? What does my little friend have?

Speaker 1 Beef, jerky, and cigarettes. Yay!

Speaker 1 And a gun. Welcome to America.
Yay. Dude, some things.
This is what I was waiting for. Stick it in your mouth.
Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 1 Well, that's the American way. That's the American way.
So here's the deal. There's only a few people you can point that at.

Speaker 1 Your wife, a cop, or yourself. Oh.
That's it. That's it.
Enjoy the the gun. You do realize we started this show bad friends two years ago with a gun.
Yep. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 That was fun. What did you get?

Speaker 1 You got dip?

Speaker 1 I got dip. Is that a tin of dip, buddy?

Speaker 1 Throw me that hoss. Do you know how to pack a dip?

Speaker 2 Do you know how to pack a dip? I have no idea.

Speaker 1 You've seen this, Fancy? You ever seen this?

Speaker 1 Okay, that's how you pack it.

Speaker 1 You never seen this? Never. Okay, so you put your hands like this and use this hand as like a floppy.

Speaker 1 Do you see that? Yep. And that packs the dip in.
So go ahead and do it. What's a dip? It's tobacco.
It's tobacco.

Speaker 1 There it is. Let's see.

Speaker 1 Very good, American boy. What else did you get, kiddo? You got DVDs?

Speaker 2 Bonanza.

Speaker 1 Oh, bonanza. TV show.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What else? Yeah.
Kenny Rogers. Oh, wow.
So good.

Speaker 1 So good. He won't take his music down from Spotify.

Speaker 1 All right, what else have we got up there? Oh, Captain. My last gift.
Man, this is your last gift. And look at me in the face before you open it.
This is actually from all the bad friends.

Speaker 1 This is from all of us. What is it?

Speaker 1 It's a porno mag, isn't it? Hustler. It's my favorite.
That's a good one. This is before the internet, but yeah, thank you.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? That's post-internet too? Okay. Okay.
Can I see the hustler real quick?

Speaker 2 I haven't seen one in a while, that's all.

Speaker 1 And a beer helmet.

Speaker 1 Yay!

Speaker 1 All right, Fancy, do you want to close out the episode and say thank you for all your gifts? Thank you.

Speaker 1 Why don't you look in that camera and then thank everyone for being a bad friend? Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So thankful for being an American.

Speaker 1 This country has treated me so well. And thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 I watched the Frank Sinatra documentary on Netflix. Did anybody see it? You, Bob, you would love this.

Speaker 1 I would never watch it. Really? I don't like them.
You don't like Frank Sinatra? What the fuck? What the fuck does that mean?

Speaker 1 What the fuck does that mean? I'm going to tell you. Of course you do.
Everybody likes fucking Frank Sinatra. I don't like, you know, how they.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? What?

Speaker 1 What is it? Hey, baby. I don't like it.
You don't like that, baby. You don't like it, baby.
You know what I mean? I don't like the whole suit thing. No, yo.
Yeah, I don't like it. The music sucks.

Speaker 1 Fuck you. you.
So New York. I don't give a fuck about no New York.
Right? What do you want to sing it about? California love.

Speaker 1 He wrote that song. Oh, he did? Frank Sinatra.

Speaker 1 California. I honestly don't like.
No, he's a good dude.

Speaker 1 I'm sure he's a great guy. No, I know nothing about it.
But the rat pack and the whole thing, it's just not my thing. Why is that not your thing? I don't like the music.

Speaker 1 I don't like what they represent. I don't like

Speaker 1 chivalry. I don't like any of that.
You don't like chivalry? No.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you like treating women like shit? No, I just opening up the car door. You have hands, bitch.
Open your own car. That's the kind of attitude I like to hear.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But because of the thing is that we're equals.

Speaker 1 What? Men and women are equals. I view them in an equal playing field.
That's why I say it. So they should pay for half of everything.
They should open their own doors.

Speaker 1 I pay for things. You pay for everything.
Yeah, but I do it to dudes, too.

Speaker 1 When?

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 if I'm going out with Andreas. Never happened, never will, but go ahead.
We've had dinner before, though. Yeah,

Speaker 1 only because it was a bad friend's dinner that I organized. Anyway, if I'm going out with somebody like Carlos,

Speaker 1 which I haven't yet. Carlos from this show.
Yes. Not after an AA meeting, just regular?

Speaker 1 Maybe after an AA meeting? That sounds right. All right, well, forget it then.
Let me give you another name. Anybody.

Speaker 1 Kind of hard to find another name, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Seems like

Speaker 1 you're searching. By openers.
Like Fahim Anwar back in the day. Love Fahim.
Right. So I'm going to.
Actually, I want to tell a story. Me and Swartzen went out to this place called Jin Pachi.

Speaker 1 It's a nice sushi restaurant. And we're like, hey, Bob, come meet us

Speaker 1 for dinner. And Bobby shows up.
We've eaten already like three quarters of the meal. Bobby's like, oh, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 I'll order when I get there. Bobby's late, as usual.
We're done. He orders a bunch of sushi.
He has no idea how much we've ordered.

Speaker 1 And then to trying to be cool and sweet and nice, which is very generous, Bobby's like, I'll get the tab. I'll pick up the bill.
And I was like, are you sure? Because, you know, and you had no idea.

Speaker 1 It was so expensive. It was like $580.
Yeah, I was like, oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. As soon as he took the bill, and then he opened up and he went like this.
He went, what?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I did that. You had no idea.