Bobbo's Adoption Plan & Fancy's First American Birthday

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
America, we are the ones who are the freest ones. That's the lyrics of that.
I don't know any lyrics of anything. America, we are the ones who are the freest ones.
We pledge our hate to everyone, and we are the best. It's the best.
We're the best. We're the best.
Welcome back, Rudy Jules. You took a class? You took a test? What happened, Andre? I took a test.
I took a test. What? Wow, did you get 100%? I did.
You got straight A's? Of course. He took the American test and got straight A's.
Look at him. Look at how cute he looks there.
Look at him. He's pledging his allegiance to this country.
The cameraman's going, that guy has his neck just attached to the face. There's no chin.
Look at this. No mask.
And look at the Asian guy behind you.

Mask.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Look at this, dude.

You're giving up your Spanish heritage.

Yeah.

You're one of us, Papa.

You're one of us.

Welcome.

One of us.

One of us.

One of us.

American blue.

What about you?

You're going to take the test?

No, I don't want to be American. Fuck you.
Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here, you fucking immigrant.
Piece of shit. Get the fuck out of our country.
Immigrant scumbag. Yeah, you bastard.
Call ICE. Call ICE on the show.
Call ICE right now, dude. We're going to separate you from your mom.
I have a visa. It doesn't matter.
We're going to put you in a cage, girl. I have a visa, too.
I have a MasterCard, a visa. I have an American Express.
You're not special. Yeah, I got gold shit.
I don't even know what fucking brands they are. They're gold cards, man.
And they got buckets and buckets of money on them. Wake up, lady.
Wake up. I'm gonna get a Porsche Macan.
Can I tell you something? Last night, Bobby in the hallway, me, Griff, and Bob were in the hallway. And he goes, Bob comes up, he goes, I'm going to buy a Porsche.
And I was like, no, you're not. He goes, I'm going to buy a Porsche.
I'm going to buy a Macan. Macan.
It's a Macan. And you go, that's, go ahead and get it.
That's not a real car. I said, it's not a real Porsche.
And first of all, it's Porsche. It's not a real Porsche.
Okay. But the Macan is the SUV.

It's not that big of a...

It's fine.

Good.

Get it.

I want you to get it.

I know, but what I'm saying is...

If you bought a 911, I'd be like, that's insane.

You have no business driving that.

Well, that's why...

See, I'm trying to bridge the gap between your fancy and my ghettos.

I'm not fancy.

Oh, my God.

Bro, you're going to make me so rageful right now.

Racist?

Rageful and racist.

Let me say something. I'm not going to reveal things on this podcast because you get angro, right? I don't get any angro.
You're blushing a little bit right now, but I'm going to say something. I'm not blushing.
I'm flush. Really fancy shit.
I don't have anything fancy. I've been to your house.
It looks like a fucking showroom at Ikea. I know.
You've said this before. First of all.
And you have fancy cars, cars that I can't, right? You're just shaking your head So what I'm saying is Is that I drive A Prius That other people Like Poor people drive First of all You have an Audi at the house You're gonna buy a McCann It's my girlfriend Audi And your house is bigger than mine So you're wrong It's not bigger Yes it is It's just fancier It's bigger and fancier Yeah we live on a hill You live in flat grounds You see what he's doing now? You see the difference in the position? You're a piece of shit. I'm not a piece of shit.
Yeah, you live in the Hollywood Hills, and I live in the flats. I'm a reality guy.
No, I'm a blue collar guy. Who are your fucking neighbors? Bro, bro.
Who are your fucking neighbors? You want to talk- Who are your fucking neighbors? Because I know your neighbor's a famous fucking director. No, he just happens to be a producer.
A famous producer. What's up, dog? What's up, dog? Yeah, Hollywood Nights, baby.

2022. And who's the other neighbor?

Who's the other neighbor?

He used to be a writer for Babylon 5.

Oh, cool.

Babylon 5?

What the fuck?

Oh, he has a house in the fucking hills.

Yeah.

So he's rich.

Yeah.

My neighbors are people.

Yeah.

People.

People that own probably.

Yeah, they bought a house 30 fucking years ago.

They're just humans. Yours are rich.
Hollywood. See Hollywood see America don't listen to this fucking piece of shit he is a Hollywood scumbag and he lives in the hills next to Hollywood scum I live near human beings that work jobs you play golf I love golf isn't, it's high up, dude.
You can play golf for fucking 20 bucks.

I play ping pong.

That's like an everyday, man. That's an Asian thing.

You guys are also

kind of Asian.

You're right.

What I'm saying, though,

is that I have anyone knows,

as Sam Tripoli,

as anyone at the comedy store.

Of all the people.

Because I crashed

my Prius into his car.

Oh, right.

You're a bad guy.

Remember that?

No, I purposely did it.

I know.

I rammed it.

But my point is that everyone at the comedy store store ask anybody that parks the cars there anybody what kind of car does bobby drive they'll say it's the worst of the worst yeah because it's because you don't care about stuff you don't take care of nice things because i'm sober again and because i'm trying to treat myself better because i'm trying to treat myself better god bless i i decided to get a better car and a nicer car to treat myself better. And then I did all this research and going, you know, what's going to work for me and my family? And I took a risk.
I saw you and Eric Griffin last night. And I go, I'm going to get – I'm so proud.
I'm going to get a Porsche Macan. And you guys laughed in my face.
You laughed right in my fucking face. I'm going to go with you to get it.
Yeah. I want to go with you to get it.
But you're going gonna laugh at the dealer it's gonna be a whole thing i don't want to i don't want to be shamed by it what i want to do honestly i'm being serious yeah i want to get you a good deal so will you take i don't give a fuck about the deal baby what does that sound like what a fucking rich privilege you know what i said you know what i said to bobby last night i go gas is like seven dollars a gallon he goes i don't give a fuck I said. And Bobby goes, I'll pour some out after I fill up.
I don't like haggling. When I go to Tijuana and the kids go, chicle, right? I go, how much? They go, $50.
I'll get it. That's for one piece.
That's what a rich guy would say. I don't know.
I don't negotiate. I don't like haggling.
When the little tiny Mexican kids go, chicle, chicle, and I go, how much? And they say, $3. And I go, one.
They go, no. And I steal them and I run away with the the kid i know you do hi hi hi first of all that's not even funny there's a myriad of things happening yeah it's it's andreas's birthday today do you know this he is an american citizen and also coincidentally this is our saint patrick's day episode so it's my holiday it's fancy's birthday and he's an american citizen Do you have anything you want to say to Fancy? Blue and red looks good on you But green doesn't look good on you Tito Andrew I love it, love it, love it Yeehaw I love it, I love it You know what, Jules? You know, I'm wearing this for the holiday You don't look good What, does it look bad? You look like a ghetto leprechaun A ghetto le leprechaun yeah yeah like a leprechaun that couldn't get that regular suit what a go that yeah what a motherfucking go that yeah but instead of goals you have like pesos in a little cup at the end of your rainbow i'm the ghetto leprechaun yeah that's that's my favorite guy i want to know what a go that i'm gonna run a backhoe and uproot that tree i want I don to know where to go at I want to know where to go at Alright you know what Honestly The best Look what my holiday brings out Fun, humor We can take a joke This is the best part about St.
Patrick's Day It's about drinking, it's about eating corned beef and and cabbage. It's about having fun, making fun of Irish people.
We can take a hit. No, but it's easy.
We take the hit. We're ugly.
We're orange. We're pale.
We fight. Yeah, we'll take the hit.
You guys can't take the hit. You say anything bad about Asians, everyone's up in arms.
Oh, really? You're going to bring up Stop Asian Hate right now? That's crazy. start it up.
I say- That's fucking crazy.

You're white people?

No, no, no.

Irish aren't white.

We're a different breed.

We're our own thing, man.

Look at me. You guys are so white, though.

Who looks like me?

Nobody.

Bill Burr?

Yeah, an Irish fucking guy.

Is Bill Burr white-ish?

Yes.

What do you mean?

Who else is another one?

I have a question.

Yeah.

To Andrew, is your butthole red or dark? You want to see it? I'm going to show it to you. No.
No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You asked for it. Bob.
Yeah, yeah. Did she ask? She did ask.
But I don't want to see it. Just look.
Just look. How about this? I take a photo of it and then you can see it.
Just look. Yeah, just look.
Wow. I didn't touch my weight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
What color is it? Look real fast what is what color is it look fast broody look fast what color is yours color mine let's see oh spread it open What color?

What color?

Brown, right?

What color?

Because I just took a shit.

What color? What color? Brown, right?

What color?

Because I just took a shit.

What color was mine?

Yours is white.

White.

Very white.

What's mine?

Dark.

Dark. Exactly.

Dark.

It's forbidden.

That's a cave.

It's a forbidden place.

And let me say something.

When you go inside there.

Was there pool?

Yeah, definitely pool.

But there's other things too, like matchbox cars.

Yeah, there's a little tiny thing shoved inside of there. There's a little ring in there.
Somebody's wedding ring is in there, right? There's fingernails from Kalilah. Loose fingernails, matchbox cars.
And also, there's one cigarette in there in case of emergency. Break for emergency.
Yeah. Have you ever had hemorrhoids? Mm-mm.
Never? You know, the thing is, is the Forbidden Place. My little dark Forbidden Place.
I've had him. Yeah.
You know, there's black magic going on in there. There's a little bit of Doc.
Doc is in your ass. Little Doc.
There's a little bit of Doc. There's a little magic in there.
Raise your hand in the studio if you've had a hammer. Pete, I know you've had one.
I've never had one. No, I never have.
Fans? Nope. You? I've had a few.
Because of stress? Because of you. of you what the first week on the show i got three hemorrhoids i'm not kidding really they all popped up what is a hemorrhoid is it a bump that's where whitney got it from what is it it's an inflammation of the uh skin on the anus and what it does is it's like a it's like a it's like a pressure stress bump It's.
I think it's the muscle. It's your intestine coming out.
It's the what? Intestine? Intestine? Say this again. Intestine.
Yeah. Look, there it is.
Oh, so it's like when you have when you make love to a girl and she has a little pink tail where the little tube is sticking out. That's a hemorrhoid.
That's exactly right. I love when that right because i'm is that a mole or you know i mean i love it so i've had those before man is it because of stress can be it can be from pushing too hard when you poop it can become yeah it can be from going too much it can be from going too little there's a million reasons that i get them because i've always had lately it's bad diet it's been you i don so.
My doctor literally said, we can't explain this.

Do you spend an hour a week

with a Korean guy by chance?

Yeah, okay.

That's crazy.

I said, you better believe it.

That's crazy.

He said that.

Really?

Yes.

That's sad.

Dr. Wong said that.

He's a Nazi guy too?

Yeah.

Chinese?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Doesn't like Korean dudes?

Yeah.

Maybe it's coming from his point of view.

Valid.

It's not valid.

He led me down that path.

Yeah.

I said, I do do a podcast with a Korean guy. He goes, Russian guy too What's going on in Ukraine I get it Look at this I did an interview this morning I wish I could have taped it I did a zoom with Fox Like local Fox syndicate for Vegas Because I'm playing Vegas This weekend And it was cutting in and out You.
You know those TV, they're terrible. They're so hard to do.
Did you do this through Zoom? Yeah, because I couldn't be there. So he's like, I'm Zooming and it's cutting in and out.
And he goes, we tried to look for a clip of you being family friendly and we couldn't find it in your stand-up and we definitely couldn't find it on your podcast. And I said, yeah, this isn't for kids.
This show is for grown-ups then he goes well what if someone comes to a show this must happen and they don't like what they hear i go well they can get out yeah and i said you know what else i'll do i'll refund their money i'll give them back their money if they didn't like it and i'll buy them a first class plane ticket to russia because this is america and we like freedom bitch go fancy sing absolutely sing give me the america for it give me an american song go vance oh see can you see that's all you know yeah yeah and we let you into this country as a fucking citizen and that's all you know i know i had a cheat card did you really yeah wait you cheated through the test yep vance fucking call somebody that's fucking crazy that's crazy that's crazy call somebody can we report him yeah let's report him should we report him too late i mean you have the card i do what does this mean you don't you wait you are now a legit american citizen yeah that's fucking crazy fucking crazy. Wait a minute.
Did you really cheat? No. You took the test legitimately? Yeah.
I'm going to call an ICE agent right now. I'm serious because this isn't cool.
You're fucked. Hey, you laughing now? I know Marcus.
He's fucking mean, dude. He's mean as shit.
He's by the book. You have to put it down.
You put that down. Marcus.
Marcus. Hello marcus yes marcus i got a guy here mark hello sorry about that hey buddy i have a guy here named these kids i got these kids trying to play with these you don't get pencils hello now i'm a little scared yeah marcus i have a guy here who's who claims to have gotten his American citizenship today.
Yeah. Oh, you know.
Yeah, they're basically handing those things out. Good luck.
And he tells me he cheated on the test to get into the country. He's standing right here.
What can we do to get him back out of here? He's a Spanish citizen, but now he's American. Is he gay? Does it help? Does it help if he is? Big.
Big time. Big time.
Yes, he is. Let him stay.
You're good to go. Thank you, Marcus.
Love you. All right, no pencils! These kids with the pencils, dude.
It's nuts. He has 15 kids, and he teaches them.
He's homeschooling. Yeah.
And he just throws pencils all over them. I've been to their house.
Yeah've been their house yeah yeah living room and he's just always yelling it's kind of nuts really irresponsible yeah did you um ever go on the road and have to do in-house morning shows all the time what do you mean i did it a thousand times yeah how did you feel those mornings i would bomb every single day i would i'd wake up with such dread i hated it hated it hated it and because i was so edgy and everything out of my mouth was so filthy i no one ever like it like it never moved tickets no it doesn't yeah yeah so the club owner would be like yeah nothing yeah no you did but it was thanks for doing it yeah so i just stopped want you there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't believe you said I don't look good in green at all.

You look... It looks like shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's not my color.

You're right, though.

Honestly, it's not for me.

I have some news.

You're more pale.

I'm more pale now with this.

I have some news I want to share.

Please.

I've been doing some soul searching.

Rudy, you think it looks that bad, huh?

All right, go ahead.

Andreas.

Go ahead.

I think I'm definitely going to adopt.

I'm waiting for the joke.

There's no joke.

You're going to adopt a kid.

Yeah.

You really are.

I think I'm going to.

What?

Why are you laughing?

I'm not. Please don't.
I think it's great. I did to.
What? Why are you laughing? I'm not.

Please don't.

I think it's great.

I did some soul searching.

Why are you?

What?

Because.

What?

It's like a stringent process.

I'm going to start.

But you have to qualify.

Well, if I don't get qualified, well, I'm going to lie just like he did lied on the test.

There's going to be some.

I know, but I think becoming a citizen is less. First of all, I'm going to work out.
I'll look good. What is that? I'll just look good.
I don't want to look like a slob, right? So I'm getting pedicures done. Do you know that? No, on your...
Not on my fingers, but on my feet. You can see my foot? Yeah, I guess, sadly.
You're painting them.

No, I went to the professional.

Who painted?

What came out on the table there of your foot?

What is it?

Probably just debris.

Foot debris.

Yeah.

Anyway.

So wait a minute.

You think getting in good shape, looking good, is going to help you adopt a kid?

There's a variety of things I'm going to do.

I think the Porsche Macan is a part of the.

Oh, that's why you're doing the Macan. Right.
Have you spoken to Klyilah about this? Yeah, we've been talking about it. And she says, let's adopt.
She's... I don't know.
You really want to do this. I really do.
And I'll tell you what I'm doing. So I'm getting my nails done now.
You know, I've been losing weight. Why are you laughing? No, I think this is awesome.
Stop laughing. No, I'm not laughing.
All right, it really hurts when you do. Okay, I won't laugh.
Right, it's a dream of mine. So what I've been watching, why are you laughing? I'm not.
All right, so what I've been doing is I've been not playing video games as much. So at nights I go, after an hour and a half, I tell the guys at Warzone, my fire team is called the Silly Billies.
Oh, Silly Billies. Yeah, so I part of it too i was a silly billy guy yeah but i go um i'll go i'm all i'm done and they're like really it's only midnight i go i know but i might be a father wow yeah did i tell you that in the car yeah but are you gonna take care of it that's right that's a good question yeah that going to take care of it.
You're going to be out of the house. I need room.
Yeah, he does need room. You're out.
Yeah, you're out. And you said- Who's going to take care of it? I'm going to take care of it.
You don't know how. And you said that you wanted to live on your own.
You're doing good. Right? Hit him.
Hit him hard. And why do you want to live on your own? Because you want numbers.
Huh? Yeah, you want- Don't fucking play dumb. Don't play dumb with me, man.
You went to a party and you got COVID because you're trying to catch some dick. No! You fucking dirtbag.
You dirty. Let me tell you something.
You want to move out because you want to become... I want to move out because Bobby's annoying.
Oh, here we go. Really? How annoying am I? Was I annoying when you broke my car? Did you hear what happened? I didn't break your car.
You used it last night, and then I used it this morning, and then it broke down. But see, when I was driving it at night, right? It was smooth.
It was flowing smooth. No, because when I turned it on, it said maintenance required.
What did you do? Did you maintain it? Mine didn't say that. No, because I was going to school.
Well, you didn't fucking... It was required and you didn't do it.
Whose fault is that? When it says maintenance required, you got to get it fucking required. You think the machine is lying to you? But I can't skip class.
Oh, fuck you. Look at Asians.
Yeah. Asians.
I cannot sleep. I have to go to class to class I have to go to class Go get it I'm gonna fuck up the curve You're gonna fuck up the curve? No Get the car fixed Because I gave it to you Now you feel bad So apologize Okay she won't Alright so Are you mad at me right now? No Okay So you're gonna move out No Cause you wanna be free And catch D Didn't you not say that i don't know yeah and then when i adopt a kid right simone or whatever the kid's name is i thought you said it was going to be simone a simone kid will be bigger than me everyone's every kid's bigger than that's true but he's just going to be much bigger look at that yeah that could be your son i know and i don't know how to play rugby you know don't know how to roast a pig.
But also, maybe this is good growth for you. Maybe you do need a son who's bigger than you.
Yeah, yeah. You know, he's more Asian.
I want to go outside of my race. I'm going to come in.
Great. I'll come in.
Yeah. And so I open the door.
Hello. Bobby, hi.
Let me start over because I'm not going to say hello. Why? What's wrong with saying hello? Because I want to be a different guy.
But you're you. I'm going to just be myself but like a little bit more serious.
Do whatever you would do if this is the real fucking thing. Alright, here we go.
This is my associate. This is my associate.
No, I want to be the kid. You got it.
Oh, you think the kid's just in the fucking room? They are. Alright, well take it then.
They're not going to do that. Well, yeah, because they want to know if the kid has any interest in you it doesn't happen later i don't know but let's find out all right good evening it's four in the morning what are you doing in our fucking office it's dark yeah it's 4 a.m why are you here made the assumption that it was evening i apologize Good morning Hello, are you here? I made the assumption that it was evening.
I apologize. Good morning.

Good morning.

How are you?

Good morning.

Hello. Are you open?

I mean, you walked in.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

I didn't see a sign whether it was open or closed,

but I know this is an adoption agency.

Am I correct?

It is, but we're usually not open until, you know, like at least.

Should I come back?

Well, you're here now.

So what would you like?

Hello.

Hi.

My name is Mr. Lee.

Hi, Mr. Lee.
Good to meet you.

And I would love to adopt a child, if you may. You're looking to adopt? It's a long, arduous process.
That's fine. Does cash help? How much cash do you have, sir? A couple grand.
It's much, much more than that. A hundred grand? Much more than that.
A couple hundred grand. That's fine.
That's close. I have a couple hundred grand.
What color of child are you looking for? I don't want cork or. Okay, so you want either black or white? No white.
No white? No. We have an awful lot of whites back there.
Because if I get a white, I just know this because I watch a show called Long Last Family. And there's a lot of white people on this show.
And so it's like, I just want to know who my biological parents are.

When they had a good life with the adoptive parents,

that's fucking betrayal.

Okay.

All right.

Can I tell you something?

I feel like I'm not... Sir, your energy right now,

I feel like I'm not going to get one right now.

My energy.

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Buyraycon.com slash badfriends. You really want to fucking adopt a kid? I really do.
Bobby Lee wants to adopt a kid. Because I'll tell you why.
Because I'll be honest with you. Please.
There's a show that I've been binging from season one to season six. 90 Day Fiance.
No. Long Lost Family.
This is real? Bring this up. I've never heard of this in my life.
What's Long Lost Family? And is it all about people that get adopted? Yeah, it's basically an adopted kid or parents looking for their son, daughter, or mother, father. That's fucking so sweet.
But it's crazy because some of them are so heartbreaking. Yeah.
You know what I mean? And so it's a great show. And you cry in every episode.
And I realized that, you know, a lot of kids, they just need a loving home. They need love.
Yeah. And for me, it's like I wouldn't even like when they're curious about their biological parents, I would keep all the information, and I would help them find, you know, their bio.
And then, you know. What is this? It's just me being, I'm just, right now, when I'm more real.
You're being real right now. Right now, I just get a little jittery.
Okay, so one of my best friends from college was adopted. Uh-huh.
And this is a true story. Uh-huh.
And his mom, his biological mom one day reached out because of Facebook. Facebook is this way to connect to anybody in the world.
She DM'd him and was like, hey, were you born in this location at this year? Because I think I'm your mother. Yeah.
And if you want to meet up, let me know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah.
I'm not going to tell you. Do you think he met up with this woman? Yes.
What about you? Yes. Yes.
Yeah. No.
Why? He, I think he had such a wonderful life with his adopted parents who are the fucking greatest people I've ever met. I love them.
Yeah. And that was his mom and dad to him.
And he didn't want to meet up. And by the way, he's a fucking adopted kid.
kid he has every right to feel that way you don't know what that's like so we can't i don't judge i can judge by watching the show i can you can't i will you can't because you never lived that experience but here's the thing you don't know what it's like he doesn't know the circumstances in which his own life no listen would you listen for one and make that face here that you make right he doesn't know the circumstances in which why his parents gave him up he does she she told him she told she said why why because she got pregnant really young and it was with a guy she was seeing and she couldn't she didn't want to have the baby like when a kid when when a mother like if when you were 15 and you had a kid right and you couldn't back in the philippines you couldn't you know i mean you would probably give it up for adoption they have it in the philippines they have it and they put it outside they let it run around oh that's right till somebody grabs yeah yeah if you but but i'm saying his circumstance it's his right to feel like he doesn't want to go fucking meet those people i totally stand with him good for him if he he's not being mean he just chooses not to go see them his family to him were the people that raised him because dude let me tell you something. As a guy who came from somebody whose biological father

never raised me,

my stepfather did.

That's my dad.

My stepfather is my dad.

He was my,

dude,

he was everything to me.

My biological father

is the guy that had me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you not talk to him?

We do occasionally.

Does he have red hair?

In California?

No,

does he have red hair?

Where did he get red hair from?

Your mom?

Yeah,

my mom's side. Oh yeah.
My dad's Sicilian. I know she is.
My last name's Santino. I know she's red.
It's really easy math to figure out where it comes from. What? You think a Santino had red hair? No.
Right. Because they're Italian.
That's right. Your mother had.
That's right. And I remember that because I saw her vagina.
So anyway. What are you angry when I do that? I did nothing.
I faked it because you said something stupid. Pick up the art.
I'm so sorry. So I saw an episode this morning where this young Hispanic couple, Cuban, you know, the girl was 15.
The husband was 16. They were in high school.
And they had a kid. They had a kid.
They gave it up for adoption because they're kids. But then when they graduated, married and had like five kids biological kids on their own oh wow but the whole time they're thinking about the the kid they gave up yeah right because they had that and then when they find the kid um the kid um dj's like her his dad did like there's certain...
What's so funny?

What?

He DJs like daddy.

What is that?

How can you DJ like your dad?

A girl found her biological dad.

She has...

That's my boy!

DJ like your dad?

What a fucking bullshit.

That's bullshit.

Nobody can't have the same interests, is what I'm saying.

DJing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was another girl who has an animal sanctuary, but then she finds her biological dad, and

he has an animal sanctuary, too.

Right?

So it's in the blood, is what I'm saying.

You think that's in the blood?

Oh, you think it's just a coincidence?

I do.

Really?

I do.

I do.

Okay. And can I tell you something? What what i can't wait for you to adopt will you treat my son or daughter with respect bully bully bully i'm gonna bully the shit out of your kids how about you i'm gonna bully them air high five yeah wait so really though let's go back for a second i'm not gonna be mean because I love love you you're like family to me you're like my little sister do you really want your own place because you want to be able to hang out with people your own age and have a boy come over you do don't you yeah see so you listen it's okay you're how old are you now 20 so you you want to if you want to go on a date and hook up you want a place to do because you don't want to go back to their house.
That's really what it is. No, I also just want to live independently.
I know, but come on. You do want to be able to hang out with boys and not feel weird.
Yeah, that's really what it is. But she doesn't realize that.
That's what it is. She's 20.
She doesn't pay rent at our house. She doesn't pay for really much of anything.
How much is rent? Do you know how much rent is? What would be be your scale of renting an apartment how much would it be uh i was looking it up it was like almost like 1 200 to 2 000 that's about right you think you can afford a roommate yeah with a roommate can you afford that no right so what are we talking about here who's I don't know. But.
Okay. I'm saving.
You're saving. But what I'm saying is that even when you save.
Right. And you have to pay.
You don't know the roommate usually sometimes. Right.
Yeah. $1,400 a month.
They're annoying as fuck. That's the average.
Right. They probably play their music really loud at four in the morning.
You're not going to have the dogs or the cats. You won't because they're going to be with us.

You're going to be very lonely.

You're not going to be able to eat whatever you want to.

You can eat whatever you want.

I say.

You want La Merch?

We'll go to La Merch.

You want a Boa Steakhouse?

We'll go to Boa Steakhouse.

For free.

I can just eat McDonald's.

Look at that.

790 square foot average is $2,500 a month.

Wow. Good luck.
So you think if you eat McDonald's and you don't have a car payment and you live with a roommate and you penny pinch. That's penny pinch.
If you'll sit in your room and you grab two little pennies, two little coins, and you just squeeze it. To make more money?

You make more money.

That's how more money comes out.

That's where it comes from.

Well, the penny angel comes.

Have you ever seen a penny angel?

Show her the penny angel.

It's insane.

That's not real.

Yes.

It's folklore.

It's a wives tale, but if you pinch,

you know her penny pincher?

You pinch it tight and a penny angel comes.

Okay, so see that little symbol?

That's a penny angel.

That's a penny angel. So the penny angel will come into your room and go, Hello, I'm the penny angel.
Right. And it says to you, How many pennies would you need? Yeah.
And what do you say? But why penny? Can I get like 50 bucks each? Well, yes. If you tell me how many pennies is in 50 bucks.
Yeah. So you have to tell her the math.
If you tell her the math, she'll be able to give it to you. Can I get like 10,000? 10,000 pennies? Yeah.
How many monies is that? I don't know. Goodbye.
You have to do math? Yeah, bitch. What the fuck? You think money is free? And she doesn't have a lot of time because there's probably 10 million people at the same time penny pinching.

Yep.

She has to go to,

you know what?

The penny angel,

the penny angel is carrying not only pennies,

but other denominations

for other fucking countries.

He's got rubies.

He's got fucking pesos.

Whatever the angel is, right?

It's whatever it is to you.

It doesn't have to be,

it's genderless.

So it's thousands and thousands

and thousands of pounds

of just coins she's flying around.

And she only has a second.

And you fucked up.

You fucked up.

I'll just stay with you, Bobby.

Good.

That sounds good.

Forever.

Not forever.

Well, as long as we need you to be at his house, you'll be at his house.

Yeah.

I won't take care of your kid.

You will?

No.

I won't.

Why?

Because it's your kid.

Yeah, but it's your kid if you're living in a house, too.

It's your little brother.

If I have to go to the comedy store and do a set.

You've got to take care of the kid.

I don't. Why? Because it's your kid.
Yeah, but it's your kid if you're living in a house too.

It's your little brother or sister. If I have to go to the comedy store and do a set,

you got to take care of the kid.

Kalilah's out of town, right?

What do I do?

Should I get a babysitter?

You're a fucking babysitter.

No, I'm going to take care of the dogs.

And the kid.

And the kid.

No, that's not my responsibility.

Well, here's the fix, dummy.

Put the kid on the dog, tie it to it or duct tape it. Yeah.
And then let them watch each other. That's what we did.
Yeah. You just put duct tape on the kid and duct tape its hands and its legs to the dog and let it roam around.
The dog's big enough. Or what about this? Why don't we duct tape the baby to your body? No.
That's a fucking great idea. That's great.
We duct tape it. What if you stick it in your body? Whoa.
This whole thing, though, it's bothering me. What is? You're a bull in a china shop.
Have you ever heard that phrase? How can a bull even get in a china shop? The doors are... What do you mean? Can they fit in the door, the bull? Of course, there's a double door.
Has a bull ever been in a china shop? Yes. No, that never happened.
Well, first of all, I've never, have you ever been in a, I'm not saying a pure import or bed bath in the brion. I've been to a China shop.
You've been to a China shop where they only have China. People.
Chinese food. Not Chinese people.
The dishes and stuff. Yeah, the Chinese restaurant.
No, no, no. A China shop is different.
No, it's not. What is the difference? A China shop china shop sells dishes and stuff the only recorded incident i know which was a bull is deliberate deliberately introduced to a china shop was one engineer by a famous american publicist and press agent jim moran who in january 1940 led a bull through a new york city china shop as a publicity stunt so it did happen one time that's insane that's enough for me and and then now we use it as a a turn of phrase phrase.
Yeah. I got to tell you, you could put a bull in a China shop.
I'd rather put it in a Korean shop. That's rude.
Why? You think we're going to eat it? What do you think bull tastes like? Well, I'm sure bull is a male cow. It's probably delicious.
Yeah, right? Well, no. Actually, no, because there's probably not enough fat.

There's probably more muscle than fat.

But we have this restaurant we go to, Sunundang.

Sunundang.

You've been there?

Yeah.

Have you really?

Yeah, in Koreatown.

Yeah, yeah.

On Western, we get the oxtail soup.

Oxtail soup is really good.

Yeah.

That's really good shit.

Do you like that?

Mm-hmm.

You do.

So you're okay with that kind of stuff?

Yeah.

But you don't like most Korean food? I like Korean food. That's not what you said to me off camera.
Let me ask you something. Doc said that.
What's better? Oh, Doc doesn't like it. What's better, Korean food or Filipino food? Be honest.
Korean food. Yeah.
Yeah. What is Filipino food anyway? Filipino food is very delicious.
Is it? Yeah. When we went to that island, remember we went to that island in the Philippines? Yeah.
And you go to this beach and there's this gigantic table probably double the size of this. Right? And there's a fish on there and other stuff on it.
There's no plates at all. You should eat with your hands? Yeah.
And they just go, dig in! And you just eat with your hands and eat.

That's kind of cool, though.

It's cool.

Because cutlery,

it's like you have to wash all that stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do like eating with my hands.

I don't know why we don't eat

with our hands all the time.

You know, there's enzymes

in your hands

that are good for you.

You know that, right?

And they also have

Michelin star quality restaurants.

In the Philippines?

In Cebu, yeah.

Wow.

Really great restaurant.

You've never been.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

You shouldn't.

You don't deserve it.

They're afraid to, you know, in the Philippines, they're afraid to go into what?

Because they think it's too snooty.

The shower?

Oh, Starbucks.

Oh.

They won't go in.

That's for rich people.

Is it expensive?

Kinda.

And like, the people that go there are like the rich people.

What are the rich people?

What is that? What does that even mean? Like someone that owns two goats. At the same time I said two goats.
Yeah. They have shoes.
Yeah. Hey I saw Batman by the way.
Finally we can resolve this. I saw it.
When did you see it? I finally saw When did you see it? The Batman two nights ago'd you see it with By myself Tracy didn't go Your wife Tracy didn't go Okay And it was Pretty fucking Dog shit Stand by my word Samson Simpson It was trash It's so funny A guy on Twitter Said And I have it because I responded to him. I saw I responded to you.
You did you? Yeah. What did he say? He said, I was siding with Andrew and I saw it and he said, I think it's the best one yet.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. So one guy on Twitter.
No, a lot of people are saying that. And you said, I'm always right and Andrew's always wrong.
What did you not like about it? And I responded, Bobby's always wrong. What did you not like about it? Thank you, Jules.
I heard the wrong. What did I not like about the movie? That we've talked about it for like five weeks straight.
I think we've talked about it in every episode. I know, but you finally have seen it.
So now we can get a real. Don't care about it.
It was bullshit. Okay.
It was bullshit. None of the performances were good nope okay nope 85 actually the only score i trust is audience i don't trust the tomato meter so 88 is pretty good yeah um what was dark night 94 jesus you're welcome not even close that the dark night was so fucking good it can't be touched it can't fancy I agree

it him not even close that the dark knight was so fucking good it can't be touched it can't fancy i agree it it is so fucking good it's amazing and this new one this new one it's just because you want we all wanted another one it's not because it's that good you never saw it i did there's no way you did i did i saw it two nights ago okay you nothing about it the let me ask you this don't do any spoilers i'm not but the chase scene you didn't like between the batman and who great the chase scene was great between who the chase scene was great between batman and who batman and robin you never saw you fucking asshole you fucking asshole you never saw it it was the riddler No, it wasn't. the riddler no it wasn't it was the joker you didn't see it why would you lie it was poison ivy why didn't you just watch the movie you know it was the penguin why didn't you just watch it was the penguin i just said it it was the penguin it was the penguin yes i just said it yeah yeah i told you i said nothing about it you liked it was fine how come you didn't get cast to pay the penguin you literally are a penguin body and i'm not being rude or diminutive you actually have a penguin body it's perfect bring him a picture of a penguin right now please you think i'm being rude i'm being genuine you don't think you look like a penguin i look like a fucking leprechaun with this green shirt on you don't think that looks like? I look like a fucking leprechaun with this green shirt on.
You don't think that looks like you. I look like a fucking leprechaun.
You don't think you look like a penguin? That's what I look like, okay? This show should be called a leprechaun and a penguin. When I drink six shots of espresso, but not normal.
That's 100% Bobby Lee. Look, oh, go to the one with the hair slicked back.
The yellow hair slicked back. Yeah.
Left, left, left. There.
Bobby Lee. That is me.
Profile. Bobbyiling bobby that's true jules loves it i'm the penguin all right i should have got cat you should have been the penguin yeah the batman the new batman movie was great it was great you did like it yeah but it wasn't the dark knight i know but it's still when you walked out but it wasn't the dark night would you watch the next one if it if uh actually would i watch i would want to watch it with another different batman yeah oh so you didn't like robert patterson i went into it with bias but you didn't like him i thought he was great dude he's a great actor i didn't want him as batman so in my mind i already fucked it up i know but it's like you can still change your mind and go i was wrong the problem with you it always is that you are stubborn you're a very stubborn no i'm not yeah and you're revengeful current current is the future of banking it really is you can spend save and manage your money better with the current app and their debit card benefits include earn points on every swipe redeemable for cash, no ATM fees on over 40,000 in network all point ATMs in the US, overdraft up to $200 without overdraft fees, helpful spending insights and budgeting tools to keep better track of spending.
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Last week, I did something something we were doing comedy back to back right what are you talking about at the in the main room oh yeah and when they were bringing you up on stage i would block you from going on stage time out let me finish let me fucking finish i wasn't even talking you can't fucking interrupt me but you have to say something that's correct three weeks in a row three weeks in a row we're in the main room green room and Bobby blocks the door from me going on stage and then I have to say something that's correct. Three weeks in a row, three weeks in a row, we're in the main room, green room, and Bobby blocks the door from me going on stage.
And then I have to fight him on it. And then he goes, stop, you're hurting me.
When you fucking block me from going on stage, right? And then so last night is what you're talking about. Yeah.
Then I held you from getting on stage. That's being your revenge fault? That's paying you back.
Payback is your deal. What do you mean? Revenge and payback.
What would I do? Let you get away with it? Just let it go. That's my thing.
What's your thing? Blocking people. You're a hack.
You steal. I steal what? You steal pranks.
You steal other things. I stole you blocking people.
Yeah, that's my thing. Oh, that's your bit.
My essence. Oh, that's your bit.
That's my bit. Oh, I get it.
And you did the same thing. I'm going to do the same thing.
It was so dumb. And also, can I just say something? Keenan was in the audience.
You want to talk about it? I need to go up on stage. You want to talk about dumb? You want to talk about dumb? If you're going to bring up something, I'm going to bring it back too.
Okay. Go ahead.
No, go ahead. Tell me.
Tell me. So last night, I was going to go up on stage.
and you go, how does it feel like, buddy? Yeah, I said, how does it feel, bitch? How does it feel, you little fucking bitch? Yeah, yeah. And it's like, number one.
And I can tell you were shook. It looked weird because, first of all, people that haven't seen us back to back, like in real life, you're six foot something.
Six one. I'm five one two.
That's ten feet. Four eleven.
Twelve feet. Yeah, I'm way taller.

Yeah, and so you're a bully.

Because I can't get through you.

You can really get through me.

I couldn't get through you in the main room.

I'm a penguin apparently.

You're wide as shit.

You can't wipe out a penguin?

You're as wide as the door.

It's hard to get around you.

You're like a fucking doorstop.

How do I get around that thing?

All right, so what I'm saying is that.

It's like putting a fucking bowling ball.

You're a bully.

What you did last night was bullies.

You started it.

It's my prank. It's not a prank.
It's what a little man does. It's what a little man bowling ball.
You're a bully. What you did last night was bullish.
You started it. It's my prank.

It's not a prank.

It's what a little man does.

It's what a little man does to the big man.

It's because a little man feels insecure,

and that's your problem, not mine.

But the big man?

So go outside.

When the big man does to the little man,

it looks weird.

You, by the way,

you start that stuff at the store,

and Bobby had a fucking phenomenal set last night.

It was a little annoying.

Oh, dude, the other night.

Kenan Thompson came to watch Bobby.

Watch Bobby crush. Kenan Thompson, shout out to that fucking dude he's a comedian guys i think he's one of the best comedians that's ever graced that show and i'm not placating i actually mean that because every time i see him i'm always like god that's he's so it looks like he's having fun whatever that means it looks like he's having a good time but he watched you and first he came up then he left i was in the parking lot he gave me a hug gave me a hug big hug he goes how you doing man i go good what is that an impression of keenan yeah okay and i go um there he is you know him yeah from snl yeah she watches us so keenan comes up he gives me a hug and he goes and i go um oh you're gonna watch he's like i want to

watch you so he comes in right and you know he blocks me from the stage yeah to go up yep so keenan's in the audience keenan doesn't know i'm trying to get up i know but i'm trying to get up right which fucked me up you still did great well i'm a professional i'm a prop okay right and then

because you blocked me

when I left the stage

I go Keenan professional i'm a prop okay right and then um because you blocked me when i left the stage i go keenan what does that mean let's leave the room oh because i was going on yeah that's good i wanted him out of the room i was actually telling someone i go can you get those guys out of the seats out of the room can i say i have another resentment towards you please don't what when we talk about real things don't roll your eyes dude okay you say out of nowhere i have another resentment towards you? Please. When we talk about real things, don't roll your eyes, dude.

Okay, you say out of nowhere I have a resentment towards you.

What do you want my fucking reaction to be?

Be curious to see what it is so you can resolve it.

Say it again.

I'll be curious.

Go ahead.

And out of love.

Say it again.

I have a resentment towards you.

What is it?

Do the eye roll.

It's better.

Okay.

Do it again. Yeah, yeah.
I have a resentment towards you. What is it? Okay, good.
What is it do the oh I roll it's better do it again I have a resentment toward you what is it so you went up in the main room and I don't know why but at the comedy store Emily in the main room thinks that it's just better to put me after him yeah it's not rhythmically it better and you know you've been doing way more stand-up than me and i have to admit right now and i think you'll like this i will admit this to the world you're a better stand-up than i am you have better jokes it's just we're different dude it's i don't know what you're doing right now because this is the kind of shit i said you agree with thank you that's not on camera camera. You would say something else.
No, I wouldn't. No, I would say, you're a fucking liar.
Thank you for saying something nice, but we're very different comics. So, that's true.
Yes. But the other night, you crushed hard.
I did okay. Fuck it.
Okay, okay. I did great.
You crushed hard. It was good.
Right? You brought me up. Yeah.
Yeah Pretty good intro I give you always good intros Great But I give better ones Because I said I love you last night Okay You never say love Because You never say I say I love him To the audience Doesn't get a laugh You want to get a laugh When I bring you up I'm very sincere I go I love him And you know that Because when you went up on stage last night You go that's really nice that you said that I said that was very nice Right but you never say that about me What do I say about you. I go, I love him.
And you know that because when you went up on stage last night, you go, that's really nice that you said that. I said that was very nice.
Right, but you never say that about me. What do I say about you? I say nice stuff.
I love you. I say this guy's fucking amazing.
He's one of my best friends. We do a podcast together.
So when you went up, crushed, right? Yeah. And literally for a minute, silence.
When you got on stage? When I went up. No.
Yes. Yes.
I couldn't get it going. So then I'm like, now because it's you that crushed and also like half the, like quarter of the crowd are bad friend fans.
So now I'm going, oh, no, no. Oh, this is terrible.
This sucks. Right.
And then I just started spinning. And the only way I could get laughs is riffing.
Well, you killed. So I had to riff to get ended up killing and then afterwards when i came up to you i go and i told you my thing you mocked me what i go i i go dude i because i really did eat it i came off a switch i was sweating and i was you know how your heart pounds you're like what the fuck just happened right it's all happened to us and i go i just ate it and you're like oh fuck you know, fuck you.
No, you didn't. Not mock me, but like brush me aside.
No, I was saying to you. But then I realized.
Let it go. Fuck it.
What I realized later, the reason why you did that, because you ate it in the original room. I did bad.
I heard that. Yeah.
That it was really embarrassing. It was embarrassing.
I just didn't. I didn't have a.
Shut up. I didn't have a good say.
I heard it was the worst. Oh, who said that? Whoever was on the lineup.
Who was on the lineup? Marc Maron. Marc said that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, he doesn't say that. He just goes home.
Yeah. He tinkers with his cats.
Yeah. Shout out to Marc Maron and his fucking cats.
Love him. So do you know where Andreas' regular street clothes is? We could take it so we can just have to walk around.
These are his regular street clothes. That's insane.
After you pass your citizenship test, you have to wear that. Right.
I did not know. Don't you? Mm-hmm.
It's funny to... It's funny because I keep looking down at where your pants should be, but there's almost nothing there.
It's like a Barbie doll. It's a Ken.
You could have said Ken doll. Same thing, but yeah.
Fancy. Yeah.
First of all, happy birthday. Thank you.
It's your fucking fucking birthday it is bobby and i spent an enormous amount of money on your gifts i bet all american gifts like about seven months well six but yeah let's not exaggerate i'm excited all right well let's open some of your gifts because it's your birthday we're excited for you specifically this first one right there is specifically from andrew that's this is from me yes this is true this is actually from me very oh wow and he got you oh did a little american ball yeah it's a no it's a football kiddo i mean football let me see you throw it buddy let's see you throw it to big big red really good sweetheart wow put your hands Let's see me throw it to you back. You ready? Can you catch this? Yeah.
Nice. And you can talk to it like in the movie Castaway.
It's Wilson. All right.
So that's your first American boy gift. How do you feel about that brown ball? Good.
Good. Honestly, I've never been able to.
I like the wide ones. What? I like the wide ones better, but it's okay.
Throw it to me. Yeah.
He likes them when it's wide i honestly this do you put your fingers in hell like this yes yeah in the lace how do you throw it like this you throw it like this and spin it there very good here let me see yeah i don't know how to spin it little american boy right i know but here's coming at you that's what you get Yeah, slowly. There it is.
Let me see one more time.

Right here, right here.

Wait, how do I Laces and then right there Nice Inches away from really good Do it do it hard as you can Hard as you can Don't Stop You're not Stop! American boy, you got your little football. So that bag right there is from me.
Go ahead. This is from you? Yeah.
This is from Bobby. That is true.
This big one. Andrew will explain it because he knows.
Yep. There you go.
Do you know what this is? Diabetes. Yeah, this is corn syrup.
So this is one of our favorite things as American citizens. We love it.
We love this stuff. Hint of vanilla.
So in the morning, I know you're going to think this is diabetes yeah this is corn syrup so this is one of our favorite things as american citizens we love it we love this stuff hint of vanilla so in the morning i know you're gonna think this is crazy yeah because it's not in your test this is kind of like you know kind of like when you learn spanish but there's street spanish and then there's school spanish right so this is an american thing they don't talk about we take a shot of this every morning when we wake up oh here's also what we do at night we we you know ice cube tray? Yeah. You replace your water with that.

We freeze it, right?

Yep.

And you stick a cube in your mouth while you're falling asleep.

That's right.

Right?

So you can get a taste of it throughout the night.

You can also use it for lube.

That's right.

Very good lube.

Right.

So the small red one is from Rudy.

That's from Rudy.

Let me see.

Rudy will explain why.

I'm not an American citizen.

It doesn't matter.

Rudy will explain why you gave it. God American citizen.
It doesn't matter. Rudy will explain why you gave it.

God damn it.

What is that, Rudy?

Protein. Whey protein

and a little weight.

Why'd you give it to him? Because

fancy needs to lose some weight.

No, well, that would...

I'll take it.

Let me see you do some curls.

Yeah.

Look at that. Can I teach you

how to do curls? Put that stuff down real fast put them both down i'm going to teach you the easiest way put the protein down this is the best i'm going to tell you the proper form do curls put your hand like this and now like grab like a coke can okay now put it up up above your head and then like put okay and then go like this like that, and then shake a salt shaker into your mouth. That's it.
That's it. Okay, next gift.
Wow. Are you so happy you're getting all these gifts, Little American Boy? This one's from Pete.
This is from Pete and Carlos. And Carlos.
Oh, nice. Nice Nice.
Who is that Jules? So fucking funny. I knew she wasn't going to know.
Yeah. Who is that Jules? The greatest American hero in history period.
Period. In terms of music.
Fought in fucking World War 1, 2 and 3. And 3.
The future one that's going to come up. This guy's a fuck.
This guy is dare I say the boss Mick Jagger Mick fucking Jagger you got it yeah you got it that's Mick Jagger good job we love Mick Jagger my god name one of his songs Mick Jagger that guy what's one of his fucking songs Footloose Footloose that's right Footloose by Mick Jagger Kick off your Sunday shoes Yeah that's right Okay You don't like that It's embarrassing I don't know Because You know Dua Lipa You know The Jonas Brothers Why would those information Be in your head What is that And you don't know Who the fuck That's embarrassing Hey it's his birthday The kids are going to open up gifts What do you got there buddy what does my little friend have beef jerky and cigarettes yay and a gun welcome to america yay some things this is what i was waiting for stick it in your mouth yeah that's well that's the american way that's the american way so's the deal. There's only a few people you can point that at.

Your wife, a cop, or yourself.

That's it.

That's it?

Enjoy the gun.

You do realize we started this show,

Bad Friends, two years ago with a gun.

Yep.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

That was fun.

What did you get?

You got dip?

I got dip.

Is that a tin of dip, buddy?

Throw me that hoss. Do you know how to pack a dip? Do you know how to pack this? I have no idea.
You've seen this, Fancy? You ever seen this? Okay, that's how you pack it. You never seen this? Never.
Okay, so you put your hands like this and use this hand as like a floppy, do you see that? And that packs the dip in. So go ahead and do it.
What's a dip? It's tobacco. There it is.
Let's see. Very good American boy.
What else did you get kiddo? You got DVDs? Bonanza. A little Bonanza.
TV show. Yeah.
What else? Yeah. Kenny Rogers.
Oh, wow. So good.
So good. He won't take his music down from Spotify

alright what else do we got up there

man this is your last gift

and look at me in the face before you open it

this is actually from all the bad friends

this is from all of us

what is it

it's a porno mag isn't it

it's my favorite

this is before the internet

but yeah thank you

what do you mean that's post internet too

Thank you. it's a porno mag isn't it hustler it's my favorite this is before the internet but yeah thank you what do you mean that's post internet too okay okay can i see the hustler real quick i haven't seen one in a while that's all and a beer helmet yay all right fancy do you want to close out the episode and say thank you for all your gifts?

Thank you. Why don't you look in that camera and then thank everyone for being a bad friend? Go ahead.
Yeah. So thankful for being an American.
This country has treated me so well. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Perfect. I watched the Frank Sinatra documentary on Netflix.
Did anybody see it? You, Bob, you would love this. I would never watch it.
Really? I don't like him. You don't like Frank Sinatra? What the fuck? What the fuck does that mean? What the fuck does that mean? I'm going to tell you.
Of course you do. Everybody likes fucking Frank Sinatra.
I don't like, you know, how they, you know what I mean? What? What is that? Hey, baby, I don't like it. You don't like that, baby? I don't like it, baby.
You know what I mean? I don't like the whole suit thing. New York.
Yeah, I don't like it. The music sucks.
Fuck you. New York.
I don't give a fuck about no New York right what do you want to sing it about California love he wrote that song oh he did Frank Sinatra yeah California love like no he's a good dude no I know I'm sure he's a great guy I know nothing about the Rat Pack and the whole thing it's just not my thing why is that not your thing I don't like the music I don't like what they represent I don't like What do they write? They were racist. Civilry.
I, I know nothing about the rat pack and the whole thing. It's just not my thing.
Why is that not your thing? I don't like the music.

I don't like what they represent.

I don't like chivalry.

I don't like any of that. You don't like chivalry?

No. Yeah, you like

treating women like shit? No, I just opening up the

car door. You have hands, bitch.
Open your own car.

That's the kind of attitude I like to hear.

But not because of the

thing is that we're equals.

What? Men and women are equals. I view them in an equal playing field.
That's why I say it. So they should pay for half of everything.
They should open their own doors. I pay for things.
You pay for everything. Yeah, but I do it to dudes too.
When? Like if I'm going out with Andreas. Never happened.
Never will. But go ahead.
We've had dinner before though. Yeah.
Yeah. Only because it was a bad friends dinner that I organized.
Anyway, if I'm going out with Andreas. Never happened.
Never will. But go ahead.
We've had dinner before though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Only because it was a bad friends dinner that I organized.

Anyway, if I'm going out with somebody like Carlos, which I have.

Carlos from this show.

Yes.

Not after an AA meeting, just regular.

Maybe after AA meeting.

That sounds right.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, forget it then.

Let me give you another name.

Anybody.

Kind of hard to find another name.

Seems like you're searching. My openers.
Like Fahim Anwar, back in the day. Love Fahim.
Right, so I- Actually, I want to tell a story. Me and Swartzen went out to this place called Gin Pachi.
It's a nice sushi restaurant. And we're like, hey, Bob, come meet us for dinner.
And Bobby shows up. We've eaten already like three quarters of the meal.
Bobby's like, oh, meal Bobby's like oh no no no I'll order when I get there Bobby's late as usual we're done he orders a bunch of sushi he has no idea how much we've ordered and then trying to be cool and sweet and nice which is very generous Bobby's like I'll get the tab I'll pick up the bill and I I was like, are you sure? Cause you know, and you had no idea.

It was so expensive.

It was like 580.

Yeah.

I was like,

yeah,

yeah.

As soon as he took the bill and then he opened up and he went like this,

he went,

what?

Yeah,

I did that.

You had no idea. Yeah.
Woo. Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.