Bobby Complex & The Tall Whites

Speaker 1 Hey, Bad Friends fans. This weekend, I'm in Irvine, March 18th to 19th.
I'm at the Irvine Improv, and Bob is telling you: if you don't sell it out, he's gonna quit this show.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, so

Speaker 2 go get the tickets, or I'm gonna quit this show.

Speaker 1 You're gonna quit the show. I told you to say what you're supposed to say, so say that, all right.
And then I'm in Vegas at the end of the month. Then I go to Dallas, Vancouver.

Speaker 1 We're putting up more dates as we go. AndrewSantino.com, AndrewSantino.com.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. Two

Speaker 1 for tea and tea.

Speaker 1 For two.

Speaker 1 What are we doing? And me. What?

Speaker 1 And you. Take it again.
Oh, is that it? I don't know what you're doing. I start off with a song.
We start out with a song sometimes. Oh, I know.
Oh, you're making up one? Yeah. Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Don't correct me if we're making it up. Well, two for tea is for the tea.
Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 the deer line was good. Tea is for deer.

Speaker 1 Let's try it again. All all right two for tea tea and tea

Speaker 1 for two no a teenage deer how old 18 19

Speaker 1 you're doing dough a deer and i'm just going a teenage deer don't you know what does everybody know what tea for two is you know tea for two and two type i never heard of that huh well whites tea for two

Speaker 1 and two for tea is that it tea for two doris day doris day yeah bro this is like white shit bro why i said white shit

Speaker 1 a korean dude that's like from the streets no white shit oh and I don't know any Korean stuff?

Speaker 2 I love Korean stuff. Give me a Korean thing.

Speaker 1 No, you're doing it too wrong.

Speaker 1 So what did I do? So what did I do last night, by the way? Or what? Last night? Two nights ago. I did Scissor Brothers.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Me too.

Speaker 2 You were great.

Speaker 1 I can't believe I did it.

Speaker 2 You were great.

Speaker 1 I stole Jeremiah's baby. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We did a little game.

Speaker 1 I actually had a really good time filming it in their sex dungeon. It's not even a sex dungeon.
It's disgusting.

Speaker 2 It's terrible. It's disgusting.
You almost want to go, am I going to die?

Speaker 1 I could hear raccoons

Speaker 1 clawing at the front.

Speaker 2 In the back, teenage deers just...

Speaker 1 Just eating, going, too.

Speaker 2 Bird G. Can I ask you something? Are there deers that are teenagers?

Speaker 1 That's all I need to know. What's the lifespan of a deer? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The average lifespan of a deer is two two to three years. So, no, they never make it to teenager.

Speaker 2 No, but that would mean that deer, a teenage deer would be like nine months old or whatever.

Speaker 1 Well, no, what's deer years to human years? That's what I'm saying. Like dog years.

Speaker 2 They have teenage years, it's probably a month, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they have a month to smoke pot. You know what I mean? So when they want to have a job, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Only a few, only a few male deer live in captivity have been reported to live more than 15 years. Human age and deer years.

Speaker 1 Conversion. Yeah, human to deer year.
Oh, it's every for every one is

Speaker 1 two and a quarter years of a deer. And we can do any animal here, too.
This is great. What? That's any animal? That's fucking bullshit.
We know it. We can compute any animal.
He said, Oh, I see.

Speaker 2 I thought that was just the thing for every animal.

Speaker 1 Okay, what about the turtle that was for 300 years? Time out. A 16-year-old

Speaker 2 deer. Oh, my God.
I need to do math. This is terrible.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is a lot harder than I thought.

Speaker 1 It's 2.29 of one human, right? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 So, so.

Speaker 2 Why do we need to?

Speaker 2 So, go to 16.

Speaker 1 Type in 16. I want to do this.

Speaker 1 Type in 16 for a deer.

Speaker 1 Just type in 16. Right.
Still letting me type on it.

Speaker 2 Oh, this fucking guy. Did you get the coffee?

Speaker 1 No, he definitely didn't. Oh.
Do we get the premium package for this website? How come we're not subscribed to this human conversion? Yeah. Easy calculation.
Can we just get a boost?

Speaker 1 Anyway, who gives a shit? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You saw Batman for the second time. Yeah.
Did you like it the second time around?

Speaker 2 You know what lives longer than less than a teenage deer or a deer in general?

Speaker 2 I just fucked the joke up.

Speaker 2 Let's give it another go.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. All right.

Speaker 2 Do you want to

Speaker 2 dies?

Speaker 1 Let me just see.

Speaker 2 I just did the wording.

Speaker 2 You know what dies earlier than a deer?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 Carlos's hairline.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 2 It's not good. See, it's just bad.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Batman.

Speaker 2 Cut all that out. Let's talk about the Batman.
Leave that that in.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. The Batman.
Did you see it? Did not. Refused to.

Speaker 1 I'm going to see it. I'm just, I'm not in the mood for.

Speaker 1 I've been fighting. All the trolls on the internet are mad about me saying Robert Pattinson I don't like is a Batman.
You're wrong. You don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't, look, I don't want the kid from Twilight to be Batman.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's absolutely amazing.

Speaker 1 Sue me.

Speaker 2 He's amazing.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah, yeah.
I don't like his look.

Speaker 2 I didn't like Steve Martin in Cheaper by the Dozen.

Speaker 1 Sure, you did. That movie was amazing.

Speaker 2 I just thought it could have gone to Mark Short.

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's how silly that sounds, though. No, it doesn't.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't want Batman to be a tough guy, a guy's guy. This guy isn't a guy's guy.

Speaker 2 I don't want Kate Blanchett to play Queen Elizabeth. I want Idris Alba.

Speaker 1 No, that one's not close.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 Queen Elizabeth's not a black guy.

Speaker 2 I know, but now I'm.

Speaker 1 I want always Batman to be a guy's guy, a tough guy.

Speaker 2 He's a tough guy in this, dude. No, he's not.

Speaker 1 But he's a little emo.

Speaker 2 Emo? Because he listens to a little dashboard confessional?

Speaker 1 Because that's not Batman.

Speaker 2 This Batman listens to dashboard confessional. He cuts himself.

Speaker 1 Batman's supposed to be a vapid, rich asshole who's like a tough piece, this like tough, roughneck who's trying to avenge his parents' death.

Speaker 2 But could I just say he is more violent than all the other Batman?

Speaker 1 The film is more violent. He is.
The character. I don't believe him.

Speaker 2 Watch the fucking movie, man. It's so good.
Let me say something right now.

Speaker 1 I don't believe him. I'm allowed to feel this way.
All right.

Speaker 2 But you know, Poison Ivy's in it.

Speaker 1 And it's, what's her name? It's Lenny Kravitz's kid, right?

Speaker 2 No, that's Catwoman.

Speaker 1 Oh, she's Catwoman. Yeah.
Who's Poison Ivy?

Speaker 2 The girl that's in Queen's Gambit.

Speaker 1 Oh, I love her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's her name? Anya Taylor Joyce. Anya Taylor Joy.

Speaker 2 She's in it.

Speaker 1 She's got those big shark eyes.

Speaker 2 Right. And she like plants trees.

Speaker 1 So she's Poison Ivy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I still don't, I just don't, I just don't get it. I just want a man's man.

Speaker 2 And Harry Styles is like, I think that he's Harry Styles is like being uplifted to be Robin because he's in it. I think because his name is Robin, and I just assume he's Robin.

Speaker 1 I went to the grove to see it and I fell asleep. And I just, I had to fucking.
I fucking love you, Carlos. Yeah, yeah.
Because it was cool. Because it's bullshit, isn't it?

Speaker 1 No, it was honestly too late, and I took anxiety medication.

Speaker 2 I just passed out. He was high.
He was high.

Speaker 2 And this is such fucking bullshit what addicts do. They go, well, I was on anxiety medicine.
No, you were fucking

Speaker 2 dying your mind and probably a little drinky drink, huh?

Speaker 1 No, I just

Speaker 1 all projecting. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bobby's

Speaker 1 really a 10-day butter grease.

Speaker 2 You fucking. Where's my coffee, man?

Speaker 2 You have two Red Bulls.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's true.

Speaker 2 Thank you for that. And thank you for this.

Speaker 2 But can I talk about what I just went through with my parent mom?

Speaker 1 Please.

Speaker 2 So I realized that I was born to be fucked. I mean, I had no chance.
With my parents raising me and stuff.

Speaker 1 You mean you weren't.

Speaker 2 There's no, like, I'll just give you an example.

Speaker 1 You were a Delta bad hand. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, you know, I went through all the things that I went through. And, you know, and I, what I discovered in the place that I went to was that my mom had a tough life.

Speaker 2 And she, you know, I want to be sympathetic toward her.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 And have empathy toward her. And I've never done this before.
We are at a Starbucks in Phoenix. And I just took both her hands and I go,

Speaker 1 mom.

Speaker 2 I am so sorry the way you were raised. You know, the way you discovered your sister dead that one time.

Speaker 2 And then you came to America and then you were born into into an abusive home, and it was just chaos in your life. And I'm so literally crying, and she goes, Buka.

Speaker 1 And I go, Was that a new drink at Starbucks?

Speaker 2 No, I thought it was a Korean word. I go, What's a buka? She goes,

Speaker 2 Buka de peppo.

Speaker 1 I'm hungry. Oh, she wanted to eat.
Yeah, yeah. And I go, oh, okay, this is

Speaker 2 this kind of talk.

Speaker 1 I got to tell you, though, once you got buka on the mind, it's hard to get back.

Speaker 1 Once buka's on the brain. I know.

Speaker 2 It's like when you think about

Speaker 1 19 pounds of lasagna. Yeah, come on.

Speaker 2 Right. And all that chopped salad.

Speaker 1 Buka de Beppo.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Buka de Beppo. No, but that's.

Speaker 1 I used to valet at Buka de Beppo in Phoenix. Really? Yeah, I did.
That was my job. When I was in college, I used to valet.
And you know what I'd do? Because it was family style?

Speaker 1 Three cars would pull up, and I would rip one valet ticket, so I'd take the other cash for the other two cars. Yeah.
I was a thief. I used to steal from American Valet.
Fuck you guys.

Speaker 1 I probably stole legitimately like four or five grand.

Speaker 2 And then my brother and I.

Speaker 1 Come get me.

Speaker 1 Come get me, American Ballet. Your brother and I said that he talked about you, the car ride.
You yelled at him for a good two and a half hours, he said, of the four and a half hour car ride.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you why? Huh.

Speaker 2 So all weekend,

Speaker 2 what I do is like, I'll go,

Speaker 2 hey, do you know, you want to watch some Nathan Chen?

Speaker 1 What's Nathan Chen?

Speaker 2 He's like, what is that? I go, that's the figure skitter. He'd win the gold and this and that.
He'd be like, nah.

Speaker 2 Then I'll go, hey, do you want to watch something? Like, if I recommend something, he he doesn't want to watch it.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 2 He just doesn't. So

Speaker 2 when I'm on the car ride home, I go, hey, you want to watch? He goes, I'm not watching anything because you don't watch my shit.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's what that is. That's what it is.

Speaker 2 You don't watch my shit. So you know what? Bobby Lee was like open.
I go, you know what?

Speaker 1 I'll watch your shit. Right.
Right?

Speaker 2 So he goes, all right, fine. So he goes, every Wednesday, I see this lady on YouTube.
And I go, uh-huh.

Speaker 1 You know, YouTube's every day. He could look at it.

Speaker 1 I know, but.

Speaker 2 But this particular lady

Speaker 2 will just post something on Wednesday.

Speaker 1 That's her drop date. Her drop date.
Yeah. Like us.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 she's, I guess, used to, she was a journalist and she found years ago cows on a field that were like mutilated.

Speaker 1 Oh, is this the alien shit?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it gets really crazy. Okay.

Speaker 1 What's her name? Can we look her up? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I've googled because he not Googled, but he sent me all her information. So keep talking.
So her name is Linda Moulton Howe.

Speaker 1 Linda Moulton Howe? Yeah. H-O-W-E.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 M-O-U-L-T-O-N. Yeah, we got it.
Okay, good.

Speaker 1 We'll look up her Wikipedia. Let's see what's the validity of this woman.
She used to be a German. She won an Emmy.
I've won an Emmy. What does that even say? That's true.
That's true.

Speaker 2 Anyone can. But

Speaker 1 I haven't won an Emmy, but she's like, but she's like, basically, she's saying

Speaker 2 there's a war between five different alien races.

Speaker 1 And look at it. Look at her profile picture is by what aliens built.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then she says,

Speaker 2 there's an alien race called the Tall Whites.

Speaker 1 Oh, me.

Speaker 1 I told you all this time, I'm like, I'm not, I'm different. I'm unique.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any white over 5'11 is a tall white.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And there's like this lizard race and there's arachnids.

Speaker 1 So that lizard race is Carlos, Arachnid.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Who else?

Speaker 2 Is there another one? Just standard alien, me? Yeah, you're a regular alien.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, a regular standard alien.

Speaker 1 But telepathic. Oh, oh, a telepathic alien?

Speaker 2 Well, aliens are telepathic.

Speaker 2 I'm like a little gray.

Speaker 2 The little grays are telepathic.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're more yellow than gray, but still.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but when little grays hit the sun, the way I hit the sun, they turn yellow.

Speaker 1 You fucking asshole. You got a little yellow, you little gray.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but anyway, my point is that

Speaker 1 he believes it. I do too.
You don't believe in aliens at all?

Speaker 2 No, but a specific five-alien race war between specific aliens that live on dwarf fucking moons behind Pluto.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Come on, man. You believe in that?

Speaker 1 Why not?

Speaker 1 What's unbelievable about it?

Speaker 2 Look up tall whites, aliens.

Speaker 1 I'm being real.

Speaker 2 Go to images.

Speaker 1 Nordic aliens. Yeah, Nordic is the affection.

Speaker 2 Yeah, go to images. Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Nordic aliens. Yeah.
That looks just like me.

Speaker 1 I'm see-through like that guy. Oh, so.
So Orlando Bloom. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So Orlando Bloom is a tall white?

Speaker 1 He looks like it to me.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Walking with tall whites. Look at that guy.
A guy did a whole thing about it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he started walking around with him. My point is, is that.

Speaker 1 You don't buy into your brother's bullshit. I don't think I do.
I got to tell you, dude, I'm a big alien guy. Like, who do you think built the pyramids? You really think slaves built the pyramids?

Speaker 1 Mathematically, they cannot figure out a way that those stones could be hoisted up on the pyramids without help.

Speaker 1 2.3 million stones. What do you say? 2.3 million stones in that

Speaker 1 pyramid.

Speaker 1 And how heavy are those fucking things?

Speaker 1 No matter what hoisting, they found out, no matter what kind of hoisting mechanism, it would be almost impossible for them to hoist these stones.

Speaker 2 I believe that if I went to Mexico. Okay.

Speaker 2 Just hear me out.

Speaker 1 I am ready. Right.

Speaker 2 And let's say I had like $100 billion.

Speaker 2 Got it. And I just went to Mexico and I went, all right, we're going to outdo the aliens.
In two weeks, we'd have something bigger than that and more precise and more.

Speaker 1 But this wasn't from Mexicans, bud.

Speaker 2 I know, but Mexicans can do it.

Speaker 1 If aliens can, if the, if the pyramids were in Mexico, I would believe that story 100%.

Speaker 1 They're not. They're in Egypt.
Right.

Speaker 2 But my point is, is that if Mexicans can do it, Egyptians can do it.

Speaker 1 That is not true. Mexicans are the tip-top of knowing how to do work.
Nobody beats Mexicans. I know.
They're the kings.

Speaker 1 I'm giving a compliment. They are the most apt, hardest working people I've ever seen in my life.
Yeah, yeah. But the Egyptians, they're lazy, dude.
They're dancing all the way.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, they are doing that. They're dancing all day.

Speaker 2 And they're also like doing pottery.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a lot of pottery. Too much pottery, dude.
They had no time to do it. You're right.

Speaker 2 Because there's no way they could do it. Also, they have the whole thing of like, you know, we're not going to bury them.

Speaker 1 We're going to mummify it.

Speaker 1 Mummify. Just wrap it in saran wrap or whatever they use.

Speaker 1 Saran wrap. Wrap it.
Can you imagine how long it would take to like exhausting. They're wrapping a guy's leg, and at some point they're like, oh God, just no one's going to see.
Fuck this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. At some point, you can.
You know what I would do?

Speaker 2 I'd have pre-cut things and just lay over the head.

Speaker 1 Like it's a pie crust?

Speaker 2 If they turn it over, it just all decays.

Speaker 1 There's no fucking wrapping. I would just do it really quickly.
Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 1 Dude, I watched last last night i watched a fucking thing called like roommates from hell or something on netflix i try to watch that that this woman spoiler alert don't care this woman this old sweet woman

Speaker 1 look at that bitch that yeah that bitch yeah yeah i saw she was she buried she buried all of her all of her like uh live-in roommates because they were people that came she was like a

Speaker 1 a rehabilitation center for the mentally ill and the sick and all this stuff and she and and they started digging her backyard and they found so many fucking bodies. This one woman.

Speaker 2 Listen, I don't need to see it because I know why she did it just by the space on the phone. Give me a guess.
Because she's so hot. Yeah, she's a babe.
Right. So they were trying to get her.

Speaker 1 Everybody wanted a boner.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And when you're an old lady and you're hot and you have, and she happens to, look at her lips.

Speaker 2 You know, they say that they say,

Speaker 1 those are DSLs, if I've ever seen them. Yeah.
Those are DSLs, babies.

Speaker 2 But listen, they say the size and the shape of a woman's mouth is directly proportioned to their size and the shape of their vagina. Look at that mouth.

Speaker 1 Tight.

Speaker 1 Do they say that? Is that a common phrase? Yeah, that's what I've said.

Speaker 2 You know what I do?

Speaker 1 What do they do about men's penises? What is the direct proportion?

Speaker 2 What you do is when you're on a first date with somebody, you say that up front to the girl, and they do stuff to their lips. They go,

Speaker 1 I'll just have the soup. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's the man's correlation?

Speaker 1 The size of your feet is correlated. Yeah.
What size of your feet?

Speaker 2 Nine, and that's pretty big for a for a Korean guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Not for a Korean, just my size. No, for a Korean guy.

Speaker 1 That's pretty big for a Korean guy. Average shoe size of a Korean guy.
We can look that up.

Speaker 1 George, what do you? What is George? How big is your foot, George? I'm an 11.

Speaker 2 11.

Speaker 1 Average size of a Korean guy. 12.

Speaker 1 10. Wow.
Bigger than all you guys.

Speaker 2 What is?

Speaker 1 I'm bigger than all these guys.

Speaker 2 Is there a Korean one?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Korean. Average shoe.
Generally, most common shoe size of Korea are interval of... So that's 7.5 to 12.
So you're right in the middle, bud. You're right down the gut.

Speaker 1 So it's not big at all, actually.

Speaker 1 You're actually medium for a Korean guy, which is a little bit of a letdown, to be honest.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I understand. I'm a 12 and a half.
I beat the whole room. George, you're what, an inch taller than me? 6'2? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Are you saying that you think that doc, our doc, has a bigger penis than I do?

Speaker 1 I'm willing to guess, yeah. That's very upsetting.
Just because of the melatonin. That's very upsetting.
Melatonin? Melanin. He does take melatonin often.
Melatonin. Melatonin.

Speaker 1 Do you miss him a little bit? Me? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I do miss him when he's not here. Also, Jules is at school, so she can't.

Speaker 1 Well, it happens. The kid's got to learn.
Is she getting anything out of education or no? Because didn't we. We helped fund some of this.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's getting good grades.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but yeah, but you know, I got good grades, but school was pretty worthless to me, I'm being honest.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but she does like three in the morning. I can hear her like just

Speaker 2 like doing her exams like the night before. I mean, like,

Speaker 2 I don't know what they do in Call of Duty.

Speaker 1 I don't know what they do. I honestly say

Speaker 2 they do essays?

Speaker 1 Like Mexican guys?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Does she repeat essay all over on a recorder and go essay?

Speaker 1 Listen, patago rumentirum, dog.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 I want to bring something up that's controversial.

Speaker 1 Florida just passed the don't say gay bill. Do you know what this is? It's been touted as the don't say gay bill.
That's actually not obvious.

Speaker 2 It actually passed?

Speaker 1 It sure did, right?

Speaker 1 It's not, it's not, it's not, it's been called the Don't Say Gay Bill by the LGBTQIA plus community, but

Speaker 1 that's been nicknamed. What it really is, is they're removing conversations of.
Let me read it directly from.

Speaker 1 What's up, Doc?

Speaker 1 Yo.

Speaker 1 What up? What's up, man? What happened?

Speaker 2 What's happening?

Speaker 2 You're not going to get here on time?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was ratting around. I didn't know if you could park back here or not.
So I was trying to find a place to throw it on. Dude, take off your fucking mask, yeah, let's in the microphone, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you know how the microphone is the thing that we are able to hear you through? Yeah. No, I'm fucking trying to find a place to park.
I was driving around and shit. Okay.

Speaker 1 I didn't know if you could park back here. Dude, this guy shows up with another NASA piece of clothing

Speaker 1 for the fourth time in a row.

Speaker 1 We get it.

Speaker 2 Where's your drinking? I saw you're drinking. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Take that away from him. No, let it sip it slow.
That's not a. This ain't him.

Speaker 1 I'm not drunk or not. Fucking Bobby, somebody else drunk.

Speaker 1 He's drunk. Oh,

Speaker 1 see how they are? Can I give you a water instead? Do you want to just hydrate? No, I'm not even.

Speaker 1 I just poured this the first one for the day.

Speaker 2 I know, but can I just say this? You know, somebody that doesn't have a problem would just be like, okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. But so now I feel like it's a problem.

Speaker 1 Oh, I can get water. If you want to get water, bring water.
Time out. Yeah.
Let's establish some rules today.

Speaker 1 No getting annihilated. No getting into a fight.
I'm not getting a fight. And we're not going to step on each other.
Okay.

Speaker 1 We're going to talk smoothly through. Smoothly.
This will be one of the first podcasts we do where we don't overlap each other.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Carlos. You're a good guy.
I will save this for later.

Speaker 1 Dude.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Let's get back to the don't say gay bill because I want actually would love to hear Doc's interpretation of this. Doc, there's a bill in Florida that passed called the Don't Say Gay Bill.

Speaker 1 And it's not the bill.

Speaker 1 That's what it's been named, but it's basically removing uh here i want to read it off this carlos because i have it pretty itch etched out here you go so don't say gay bill it it's it's making it so discussions about sexual orientation in schools um

Speaker 1 uh is eliminated and encouraging parents to school school districts that that openly speak about these topics so it's removing discussions about sexual orientation in schools meaning you know about

Speaker 1 gay transgender blah blah blah blah so what they're trying to do with the critical race theory trying to remove it to remove it yeah What do you think, Doc? I mean,

Speaker 1 is it all sexual or is it just gay? I think what they're specifically going for is alternative sexual lifestyles.

Speaker 2 Heterosexual, you can say whatever you want.

Speaker 1 I imagine. Fucker in the ass.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I don't think that's in the book.

Speaker 1 Was that in some of your books?

Speaker 1 Welcome to Spanish 101.

Speaker 1 First phrase we're going to learn is fucker in the ass.

Speaker 1 How do you say that in Spanish, Carlos? I don't know. What a fake Mexican.

Speaker 1 You're the fakest Mexican we have. By By the way, if we ever get in trouble for being racist towards Mexicans and we think, oh, well, we've got one.
We should be good.

Speaker 1 You'll fail us publicly. But my dad came here from Mexico and he didn't want me to learn Spanish.
He wanted me to be super American. Why? Because he's racist towards his own race.
Yeah, kind of.

Speaker 1 He didn't like Mexico when he first got here. He was like, I never want to go back.
Wow. Yeah.
Well, if you want to know, is Cojela in Las Nalgas. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 En Las Nalgas.

Speaker 1 I thought we were drinking the the water.

Speaker 1 Cojela. Cojela.
Cojela. Cojela.
Cojela. Enlas nagos.
Enlas nagos. Si.
Coela. There's no way that's right.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Just Google fuck me in the ass in Spanish.

Speaker 2 Not fuck me in the Spanish. Why do we even need to do that?

Speaker 1 We just move on from it.

Speaker 1 I do want to see if he was right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 What? Fuck me in the ass.

Speaker 1 A Google Translate just never does it right. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because that says fluk me and kulo. Kulo is ass.
I know that. Okay, say to fuck it's cohere.
C-O-G-E-R.

Speaker 2 In Korean, it's uh, I would have to say chukchuk kundangi.

Speaker 1 Chukchuk kondengi.

Speaker 1 That sounds awesome.

Speaker 1 Oh, jungchuk kondengii.

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Speaker 1 Hydro. I got it.
You? They gave me one. I got one at the house.
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And I'm rowing in the morning and it wakes me up and gets me juiced. Well, what is it?

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Speaker 1 Hydro.com, code is Bad Friends. DoorDash!

Speaker 1 Man, Bob. Man, what? When I forget stuff at the store and I need snacks or drinks or household essentials in 30 minutes or less, you know where I turn to? DoorDash.
DoorDash, my friend.

Speaker 2 You know how I know DoorDash? Huh? Because it's the only app I have when it has anything to do with that.

Speaker 1 When you need food, that's what you use.

Speaker 2 There's other companies that do the same thing, but I only have DoorDash because they're more precise.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 2 Because, you know, I'm Asian. I love precision.

Speaker 1 You like precision.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I like it in 30 minutes. I like, you know, it's fresh.
Fresh. I like when the delivery people are nice.

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Speaker 2 They like more options.

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Yeah. Someone is craving froyo.
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Liquid IV.

Speaker 2 You know what they said? Liquid IV for life. For life.
Because I love this stuff, man.

Speaker 1 It is delicious. Water is boring.
Yeah, water is so stupid. One stick with liquid IV in 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone.

Speaker 1 And they got incredible hydration flavors like watermelon, lem, lime, strawberry, pi colara, and many, many more.

Speaker 2 You know what I love about

Speaker 2 liquid IV is it contains five essential vitamins, B3.

Speaker 1 B5, my favorite is B6.

Speaker 2 B6. B12, Doc loves that.
And vitamin C.

Speaker 1 Oh, and I need enough vitamin. I need as much vitamin C as I can do.
You do.

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It's just simple.

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Can I tell you something about your wardrobe today?

Speaker 1 Beyond the NASA stuff and the obvious repping, once again, Detroit, which respect. Yeah.
Those front zipper pockets are fire.

Speaker 1 Nothing's ever fallen out of those fucking barrels.

Speaker 2 Can I also say something too? Is for the first time from your waist down, I would probably wear that.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 I've never seen anything that you've ever worn and said, I want to get that. Where'd you get that, Doc?

Speaker 1 And I'd be like, I don't ever want to go there.

Speaker 2 But my point is, is that from your waist down, what kind of jeans are those? Pants or?

Speaker 1 Yes. What? Guess.
Guess. Ooh, la la.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 And the shoes are what?

Speaker 1 Nike, come on. Ooh, la la.

Speaker 2 Brand new too, huh?

Speaker 1 Hey, what's the symbol on the front of them?

Speaker 1 I can't even. It says, I think it says New York.
Are those

Speaker 1 Nick's shoes?

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, not Nick's shoes.
They're New York City.

Speaker 1 Nikes. No, they're Nick's shoes.
They're Nick's colors.

Speaker 1 The Bronx. Hell yeah.
Puerto Rico, Dominican.

Speaker 1 Hey, Bimpaka. Listen to this.
Wait, Doc, the water. The water.
A little bit of water. The water, man.
A little bit of water. A little bit more water.

Speaker 1 Every time you go on one of those things, we're going to make you have a sip of water.

Speaker 2 Drink a little water and a little wine.

Speaker 1 He doesn't want to be restricted. I understand.
I'm not even fucking drunk, though.

Speaker 1 This for y'all.

Speaker 2 Our problem is in 45 minutes.

Speaker 2 We're foreseeing into the future. What do you think of Robert Patterson as Batman?

Speaker 1 Who is Robert Patterson, first of all? Okay, let's move on.

Speaker 1 He was the guy from Twilight. Yeah, we need to move on.
I watch Inventing Anna. I'll tell you that.

Speaker 2 What's that?

Speaker 1 It's on Netflix about that Russian girl who likes fucking scammed all these people out of all this money.

Speaker 1 And it's the girl from Ozark. And she talks like that.
She's like, you don't have my money.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah. Collada tried to get get me to watch it.

Speaker 1 No, I didn't want to watch it.

Speaker 2 Big pass.

Speaker 1 It's really tough. Her voice is the hardest thing because she's doing an accurate impression of this girl, but it's really tough to get through.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's tough. You like her in Ozarks.
Huh?

Speaker 1 I like her in Ozarks. She's good in that.
She does like the little southern drawl. But in this, it's just, she does an accurate, well, I guess as accurate as you could be, of this girl.

Speaker 1 And she was born in Eastern Europe, Russia, maybe, and then she moved to Germany. So she's got this weird, like, half-German accent, that's Eastern Europe.
It's the weirdest fucking thing. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Say it again.

Speaker 1 What you're wearing? You look tall.

Speaker 2 You look tall.

Speaker 1 Do it.

Speaker 2 What you're wearing?

Speaker 1 What you're wearing? You look poor.

Speaker 1 More vocal. This is it.
That's it. That's what you're wearing.
You look poor. See, that's it.
What are you wearing? You look poor.

Speaker 1 You know how often Bobby can say that to people?

Speaker 1 What are you wearing? What you're wearing? You look tall.

Speaker 2 Don't like it.

Speaker 1 Keep going.

Speaker 1 Don't.

Speaker 2 Don't. I have this new tequila I want you to try.

Speaker 1 Now you're slipping away into another.

Speaker 2 You're Russian too. Go ahead, Doc.

Speaker 1 I'm Russian too.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Let's do it again. Man, this guy's good at improv.

Speaker 1 Never misses a beat. That's amazing.
Never misses a beat.

Speaker 2 Imagine that was a live show. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're at.

Speaker 1 You're an improv Olympic. Yes, I am.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What them rules? Give me the rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me the rules. Tino.

Speaker 2 Doc, what what you're wearing, you look poor.

Speaker 1 I like

Speaker 1 well, this is what is this?

Speaker 2 He's doing a...

Speaker 1 I'm trying to fucking. They don't use the look.
It's Doc. Doc, Doc.

Speaker 2 What you're wearing, you look poor.

Speaker 1 You look paul. I look fantastic.
Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Really good. Very good.
You're hired.

Speaker 1 I mean, if I'm casting for this show, I'm like, we've got the boyfriend. Yeah.

Speaker 2 If I'm casting for like an industrial film for Southwest Airlines, you fucking got it.

Speaker 1 I just had to go do voice. I had to go to ADR because

Speaker 1 I did a couple of scenes in that movie, House Party, they're bringing back hidden plays, which, by the way, 25 years ago, I think today was the, or yesterday was the original release of House Party, but they're remaking it.

Speaker 1 And I did it. And I had to go to ADR.
And I was like,

Speaker 1 the line was really tame. And they were like, oh, we want to replace the word vagina with something, you know, a little bit less than.

Speaker 1 I was like, for the movie, it's like a fucking, it'll be an online film.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they were like, like, no, no, no, it's, it's, it's because it's going to be for airplanes and shit, too. And I was like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 I don't like when anything it's going to be on an airplane because then I can, if I see someone watching a thing that I'm on, yeah, it gives me the biggest panic attack. Really? Oh, my fucking God.

Speaker 1 On an airplane, it's happened a few times where I'm like,

Speaker 2 you know what I did?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 I was on one episode of Sean Saves the World.

Speaker 2 Sean Hayes. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. And they played it in the airplane.

Speaker 1 On the airplane. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I just kind of walked up another.

Speaker 1 Hello. Hello.

Speaker 2 Well, not like blatantly, but I was just kind of like looking at

Speaker 2 locking odds with people and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 It was really weird. That's why Bobby didn't want to fly and do shows during the pandemic because he didn't want to wear a mask.
He wanted people to see it was him on the plane. That's why.

Speaker 1 You like the attention. You're an attention whore.

Speaker 1 You're a fucking whore.

Speaker 2 But you know what? The automotive is with my mom, though. If I'm with my mom, I want to get recognized.
Because I want to show her that

Speaker 2 she was wrong.

Speaker 1 She's, she was, what do you mean, she was right?

Speaker 2 I know, no, because when I started comedy, she goes, My mom and dad were like, Don't call us, yeah, again,

Speaker 2 pretty much. And I would beg for money, and this, and that was a struggle.
And they would say,

Speaker 2 You, you're not funny, you're never gonna walk, you're not good, you're right. And I just kept going and going, and then it's like, now,

Speaker 1 you know, I just kind of like, she might be right.

Speaker 1 The old booka lady might be right. Yeah, did you you get her some book, by the way? Did you end up booking with her? No.
What did you take her to eat? Did you go fancy? Morton's. You love Morton's.

Speaker 1 I went to Morton.

Speaker 2 No, we tried to go to my stores. We tried to go to these other places, but we went to Morton's.
It was a fun night. We saw Batman 2 with her.

Speaker 1 That is cute. You did all that as a fam.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I love my mom, you know.

Speaker 2 And can I say this?

Speaker 2 I sleep better.

Speaker 1 Your brother said this to me last night. My parents' house? Yeah.

Speaker 2 My mom's house than anywhere else on planet Earth.

Speaker 1 He told me you actually got rest, and he was kind of awake, but he was like, Bob actually slept for like three, four hours.

Speaker 2 no i was for like nine hours oh you did oh yeah like solid sleep and also i never i haven't dreamt in a year you had dreams i had dreams what was i did remember i don't remember but i just remember waking up oh i had a dream like being aware that i had one yeah so it was i don't know what it is it's hot the bed sucks oh it's shitty it's a shit environment well you should see dude i this is what's in my room dude Do you have dreams, Doc?

Speaker 1 Do you remember your dreams? Yeah, I always had a dream. This is kind of weird.
He ain't had a dream for a year straight. Almost.
I don't really dream that much. Really? Yeah, my brain's occupied.

Speaker 1 Fuck. Yeah, you get to dream because, you know, this is in.

Speaker 1 The room that I literally is this.

Speaker 2 This was in it.

Speaker 1 What is that? A fucking. That's a mannequin.
That's the creepiest thing I've ever seen. Right.
Oh, that's fucking weird.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so that's in the room. So I go, my mom has this in there.
So I turned off the lights to go to bed.

Speaker 1 And I went, fuck it.

Speaker 2 And I just fucking threw it.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Is it a graduation thing?

Speaker 2 Does it have like a she never graduated from anywhere? And she's got a cap and gown. Yeah, and then she has fucking mystique hair.
I don't know what the fuck that is. I like it.
That wig.

Speaker 2 But she has this all over the house.

Speaker 1 Let me see. That's mannequins.
That's like my school colors, too. It's maroon and gold.
Maybe, did your mom go to ASU and you just don't know it? No, no, no.

Speaker 2 She wants to go, and that's why I think she has that.

Speaker 1 There's also like Nefertitias down there.

Speaker 2 Is she a big fan of Nefriti? Oh, my God. It's just Egyptian stuff all over the house.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Up there too.
Cats. Yeah.
Everywhere. Why do you think your mom's obsessed with that? Did she build the pyramids? Did the Koreans build the pyramids?

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That's exactly what I'm saying.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 And I think the Koreans have something to do with aliens.

Speaker 1 Google that to see if Koreans might be aliens or have anything to do with the pyramids. Because I got to tell you something.

Speaker 1 The more I think about it.

Speaker 1 Do y'all even have pyramids in Korea? Of course they have pyramids in Korea.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They found Cleopatra's cousin, Domino. Domino.
Domino. Domino.

Speaker 1 Puyong. In Puyong.
Yeah. Puyong, Korea.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And they have just a gigantic, it's twice the size of the Egypti, the temple, I mean, the pyramids in Egypt. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And there's a mechanical door. Yeah, like a futuristic mechanical door that you press a button.
It's like a little button. And there's a mechanic that opens it, but they think it's alien origin.

Speaker 1 Well, look at this. What's up? What's funny? I'm just...
That's just so magical. I don't even.
The world is magical, but

Speaker 1 open your eyes, dude. Guantetto.

Speaker 2 I'm so buzzed off of the wine.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 Guantetto the Great was a monarch, and

Speaker 1 they believe the aliens spoke through him. And Guantetto was

Speaker 1 Korean. Yeah.
No.

Speaker 1 Yes, dude. Guantetto was a zoom in.
Zoom in on the about, please, on the right-hand side. No, go back and just zoom in on the about.

Speaker 1 Guantetto the Great was the 19th monarch of Goryeo-yo. His full posthumous name means entombed in Guk Sangyang, broad expander of domain peacemaker Supreme Court.

Speaker 1 The aliens spoke through

Speaker 1 when you say

Speaker 2 words and cities and stuff, you don't have to do the accent.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 Read it again and read it normally, please. Okay.
This is the way you write.

Speaker 2 Guan the Great was the 19th monarch of

Speaker 1 I'll do it again. All right.

Speaker 1 Guangedo the Great was the 19th monarch of Goguye.

Speaker 1 His full posthumous name means entombed in Guk Gang Sang,

Speaker 1 broad expander of domain peacemaker Supreme King.

Speaker 1 Sometimes abbreviated to Hootai Wang.

Speaker 1 His era name is Yung Nye. And he's occasionally recorded as Yongyek Te Wang.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So this dude, the aliens spoke through. People believe that, yeah.
People believe he spoke. No, no, no.
We believe it. We believe it.
He spoke, the aliens spoke through

Speaker 1 Guanghero. Why does that name sound not Korean? Say it and say it with a Korean accent.

Speaker 1 Guanoguero. Guandoguero.
Guandoguero. Guandoguero.
Guandoguero. Do you want Guandoguero? Spanish.
Yes, it's Spanish. Is that Guangero right there? That's him in a movie.

Speaker 1 It was a TV series, actually, in 2011. So Alien spoke through this dude, and he communicated to the people of the time the future.
Yeah, he was some sort of peacemaker. Love that.

Speaker 2 That's amazing. It's sort of how the Japanese thought that

Speaker 2 Emperor Hirohito was a sun god.

Speaker 1 They thought he was dying.

Speaker 2 A literal sun god. And they're like, we'll die for our god.

Speaker 1 What's the chances that he wasn't?

Speaker 2 One in a zillion.

Speaker 1 What if he was? He could have been. Because how do you know? Dude,

Speaker 1 what if you're a god? What if you're a god?

Speaker 1 And you know what I'm reinforcing.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm reinforcing right now. What are you reinforcing? Oh, this is God syndrome.
I mean, you already have God syndrome anyway.

Speaker 2 You have God syndrome. No, no, no, I don't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you do.

Speaker 1 I don't.

Speaker 1 No, I don't. He doesn't, bro.
You have a God complex.

Speaker 2 Okay, who yields his power more?

Speaker 1 You're always saying white power. You'd be throwing that shit off.

Speaker 1 First of all,

Speaker 1 I'm always doing this. First of all, I'm always doing this.

Speaker 1 What the fuck does this mean?

Speaker 2 First of all, when I say hello, don't go okey-dokey like that, okay?

Speaker 1 That is only at the meetings. I've never brought that to this.

Speaker 1 That's for me and my buds. Pete, wink, wink.
And I got to tell you something. Your God complex is way worse than mine.

Speaker 1 You bullied Carlos into not having coffee the first six seconds you were in this room.

Speaker 2 Carlos, how long have I known you?

Speaker 1 Same amount of time as I've known you. No, who's the other one?

Speaker 2 How have you known you longer? Me or Andrew?

Speaker 1 I have known Bobby a little longer because of certain reasons. Doesn't matter.
Yeah, yeah. Doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 So our history is deeper.

Speaker 1 No, it's not.

Speaker 2 It is years deeper. And we have also.

Speaker 1 During those years that you met him, you didn't do anything for him. You probably bullied him then, too.
All right.

Speaker 2 Can I just say how we know or no?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can say. Okay.

Speaker 2 So at one point, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You were abusing substances together. Yeah, at one point, Pop Pot here

Speaker 2 was

Speaker 1 sober.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 2 And that's how we knew each other.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 But that's a deeper connection. If you knew anything about...

Speaker 1 Did you ever call him, check in on him?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Carlos, don't fucking look at his face. No, I'm like really trying to remember, and I don't know.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you'd know because it would happen more frequently.
Yeah, I remember.

Speaker 1 I took the bus to Cedars to meet Bobby, though. Yeah, there we go.
That's you doing another thing for him.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because my car broke down, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess looking back, you were on the way, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. There we go.
Together. God complex.

Speaker 1 That's not God Complex. You're a boss.
You boss everybody around. God Complex is an unshakable belief characterized by consistently inflating feelings of personal ability, privilege, or infallibility.

Speaker 1 That's you.

Speaker 2 But you think my tone is very peasant-like?

Speaker 1 I mean, well, that's just a exuposition. What do you mean? Because you sucker people, you're a sociopath.
You sucker people into thinking that you're a peasant when really you've got this cape.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I have two things going on. Please.
All right. I ride between peasant,

Speaker 2 like I'm nothing. I got nothing.
You know what I mean? Right. You know, also there's a lot of shame and guilt involved.

Speaker 1 That's because you have imposter syndrome.

Speaker 2 That's why. And then there's the other extreme where I, not extreme, but I have this thing like

Speaker 2 the rules don't apply to me. Correct.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 But I don't think the rules you think apply to you as well.

Speaker 1 That's not true. I obey.

Speaker 2 I think you can say things, like when you get a parking ticket, do you pay it right away?

Speaker 1 100%. But I rarely get one because I obey the rules.
When's the last time I had a parking ticket? I can't even tell you. Okay.

Speaker 2 When you get it.

Speaker 1 You've never fed a meter in LA. Never.
Never. This time.

Speaker 2 Well, how the fuck do you know that? Because he knows.

Speaker 1 I have tickets just sitting on your windshield for like three months. That's a meeting.

Speaker 1 I used to park in the parking lot. Your Prius at one point had a ticket that was so old.

Speaker 1 It sunburnt it into the glass. That's real talk.
That is a real statement. There was

Speaker 1 a sunburnt parking ticket into your glass.

Speaker 2 I see what this is. No, it's not.

Speaker 2 This is what it is, you fucking dipshits.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 2 This is what the fuck it is, all right?

Speaker 1 Whoa. It's coming up.

Speaker 1 It's coming up. You're fucking angry, bro.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 You've got me up against the wall, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm pooting it out.

Speaker 1 You're just being pooted in a fucking corner. Oh, we're Ukraine.
We're going to attack you, Craig, dude. Oh, man.
Will you crane it? He has a ticket out, dude. Don't bomb me, dog.

Speaker 2 Here's the real honest truth, right? The reason why I have parking tickets on my fucking windshield

Speaker 2 is because you don't fucking know. I don't know what to do with them.

Speaker 1 Are you fucking take them off and pay them?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know how to do that. On the internet.
Yeah, but I don't know how.

Speaker 1 There's a website.

Speaker 2 Two weeks ago, I just learned how to tell time on the sticks.

Speaker 1 You mean the clock?

Speaker 2 Yeah, the clock. So Mark Marin taught me how to do it on Tiger Valley.

Speaker 1 50 years old. Yeah, because I refused to learn.
Oh, that's my god. Because I just

Speaker 2 out of stubbornness. Like, I've I've had girlfriends go, it's easy.
Let me teach you.

Speaker 1 I don't ever want to know. I'm digital for life.
Have you paid off parking tickets now? Are they all gone?

Speaker 2 Well, then what I had to do is get some dude to do it.

Speaker 1 To pay off your parking tickets.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't pay anything. Like my dude, Clinton, I don't want to say his last name.
My dude Clinton, I've been with for 15, 20 years.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And he all checks, right?

Speaker 2 And everything goes to him. The reason why is if it goes to me, it'd be all gone.

Speaker 1 Or you wouldn't know what to do with it. Yeah.
I know your business manager, Clinton. Yeah, yeah.
Let me tell you something about this guy.

Speaker 1 It might take him

Speaker 1 two

Speaker 1 or three full weeks to cash a check. I sent the guy a check.
Yeah. He cashed it like a month later.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 1 How old is that dude?

Speaker 2 He's like 90 years old. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Because I called one time.
I was like, what's your business address? He's like, four, hold on. And he like walked outside and read it off the wall.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's a black guy.

Speaker 1 I trust black guy. What the fuck does that that have to do with

Speaker 1 a black guy? I like him.

Speaker 1 Give him back. Give him back.
Give him back. That's what I'm talking about.
I'm going to have, right?

Speaker 2 I like to give back, right?

Speaker 1 You know, we go together, right? He's your business manager.

Speaker 2 Blacks and Asians go together.

Speaker 1 No, I do that. We're not going to go together, dude.

Speaker 1 You shot at each other. I know, but

Speaker 1 we're still moving at each other. You're still there.
You're rude to each other, dude. Stay away from my store.
You drink, you buy.

Speaker 1 All right, so stop. No, no, no.
Let that go.

Speaker 1 That's the kind of stuff I love to hear.

Speaker 1 You drink, you buy. You drink, you buy.
And the phrase is you break.

Speaker 2 What you're saying is it's you touch, you buy.

Speaker 1 You break you, you drink. You break you.

Speaker 2 Because if I've never seen blonde people go into a liquor store, a Korean liquor store, and just start drinking.

Speaker 1 You ain't met my father. What? You ain't met my father.
My real father.

Speaker 1 What the fuck he used to do? I used to get mad at him.

Speaker 2 So he used to go to liquor stores to just drink in the store? Grocery stores.

Speaker 1 He used to just grab the apple juice, drink it, put it back on the shelf.

Speaker 1 I said, man, dog, dude. Never got caught.

Speaker 1 And then when I asked him, I said, Pops, man, why would you do that shit? He said, fuck him. I'm thirsty.
I said, you still got to pay for this. He's like, man, fuck it.
I ain't paying for this.

Speaker 1 And then he never.

Speaker 2 Did you ever, like, just, if he was going down one aisle, you just went to another aisle because you just want to be caught?

Speaker 1 I used to just, like, I used to just, like, fake. Yeah, just like that.
I used to fake like I got something to do. Like, Pops, I'm going to go over here and look at something.

Speaker 1 And he'd be like, all right. And then he'd come over there drinking the goddamn juice, too.
And then he put it back. I said, man, fuck, don't bring the evidence over.
Eat us just fucking juice.

Speaker 2 Did you go to the magazine section? You know the colognes and stuff that's in the magazine. Just rap.

Speaker 1 I used to do that, though. Yeah.

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Speaker 2 Better help! This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Andrew, relationships take work, buddy.
Tell me about it. A lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about.

Speaker 1 We'll go out of our way to treat other people well.

Speaker 2 But often, do we give ourselves the same treatment, Doc? I don't think you do. No.

Speaker 2 This month, BetterHelp Online Therapy wants to remind you to take care of your most important relationship, the one that you have with yourself, Doc.

Speaker 1 That's huge. Yeah.
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Speaker 2 That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash bad friends. No, it's not a God.

Speaker 2 That's how you talk to people, though.

Speaker 1 You have no like. What are you talking about? You don't see how I talk to people.
You don't exist in my world.

Speaker 2 Stuff like that hurts.

Speaker 1 You just say it is to hurt people. You don't exist.

Speaker 2 Hurts again. Ow.

Speaker 1 Owie, owie. You don't see how I talk to people.
I'm extremely polite and sweet to people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a, it's a.

Speaker 1 He can vouch for that.

Speaker 2 It's a mask. Okay.
There's two sides to him, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, what's underneath? Hello, how are you? What a great restaurant.

Speaker 2 Oh, this is a delight. Oh, whatever.
That's you. Is that what I sound like at a restaurant?

Speaker 1 To me, you do.

Speaker 2 That's what all white people sound like.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 when you know you and you're just having a conversation, there's a lot of like, just listen to me, man.

Speaker 1 I know what this is. This is what it is.
Look at this. I can't believe excessive pampering or criticism from parents or a genetic predisposition.
Fuck, if that isn't Bobby Lee. That's true.

Speaker 1 Fuck, if that isn't, you know, look at Carlos.

Speaker 1 If that is a logical dad,

Speaker 1 I've never been pampered ever. It was the opposite.
Criticism from parents or a genetic predisposition, that's you in spades. That's like you to the fucking.

Speaker 2 Criticism from parents or a genetic predisposition. Predisposition.

Speaker 1 A genetic predisposition. Right.

Speaker 2 So I don't think I have a genetic predisposition.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you do.

Speaker 2 But you were born that way.

Speaker 1 Oh, 100%.

Speaker 1 Yeah, gods are born. See? Are born.
Kid thinks he's a god.

Speaker 2 No, I don't.

Speaker 2 Maybe.

Speaker 1 Were the guy complex part of Napoleon complex too? Being literally might have a little. You know, that was also, that was also, that was also fake.
Napoleon was average height for his time period.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that shit made me kind of bad. He was spouting.

Speaker 2 Sorry, it's not the same.

Speaker 1 It is the same.

Speaker 1 It's relative to each other, I think. He's just saying you've got a complex.

Speaker 2 Napoleon complex is because he's small.

Speaker 1 He wasn't small. He was average size.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying what the actual meaning means.

Speaker 1 He was 5'6. That's like your height.

Speaker 2 No, 5'4.

Speaker 2 They should call it Bobby complex.

Speaker 1 5'5.

Speaker 1 Napoleon was taller than you.

Speaker 1 You could just call the photo.

Speaker 1 You would call him Bobby.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was. Yeah.
That's good. How tall does it say I am? 6'1, papa.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's a fact right there.
American. You better believe it, boy.
See, I think white people. Who the fuck put those things in?

Speaker 2 I think white people in general have a God complex.

Speaker 1 I think deep down inside.

Speaker 1 I think a lot of white people,

Speaker 2 deep down inside, and will you agree with me?

Speaker 2 A lot of white people, I'm not saying all, but a lot of of people deep down inside think that they're better yeah think better think they know that they're better that's right right so what

Speaker 1 do you think well you know what i think too though go ahead doc i'd love to hear your insights

Speaker 1 that sounded a little no go ahead i'm really serious

Speaker 1 you know what i'm saying is i think like if you're the dominant species within your or dominant race within that particular country that that particular race is going to have a god complex like over in africa africans are gonna have a complex.

Speaker 1 Russians have a God complex.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like if we, if he goes to Mexico, they don't give a fuck about this guy. You know what I mean? It's like, they do think I'm Canelo when I'm

Speaker 1 love.

Speaker 2 Mexicans love the show Mixology.

Speaker 1 They just do. They are big fans.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I'm just saying, like,

Speaker 1 after a while, they're going to tell him, you better learn Spanish. He can't just go over there just talking English and tell everybody, you got to learn English.

Speaker 1 Now, you're sounding Republican here in America.

Speaker 1 Come over here, you better learn English, bro. It would be anywhere.
I thought you died, Herman Cain. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 That was good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm alive and well. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was funny when Herman died. He was still tweeting afterwards.

Speaker 1 Do you remember that? Yeah, when he was dead, there were tweets coming out. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Posthumous tweets from Herman Cain.

Speaker 1 What did he die of? It was COVID, right? COVID, yeah. Isn't that fucking crazy?

Speaker 1 He's like.

Speaker 2 Dude, he went to that Tulsa Trump rally, and no, this is in the height of COVID. I know, but just.
He's a single person with a mask in that thing.

Speaker 1 But, but just in case you thought Biden's candidacy was going to be anything other than completely nuts, Team Trump has released a new video. And David Allen Greer goes, aren't you dead?

Speaker 1 That's classic. By the way, how boss is that that Herman Kane can tweet from the grave? The Kane gang.
That's a great name. The Kane gang.

Speaker 2 So I believe that God.

Speaker 2 You're right.

Speaker 2 Maybe you're right.

Speaker 2 But some societies, like Koreans, they might have a God complex, but they don't have a history of oppression, oppressing another group of people.

Speaker 1 Each other, right? Are you fucking out of your mind?

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 1 You don't think Asians had fucking they didn't oppress Koreans?

Speaker 2 Koreans didn't have slaves. We didn't fly.

Speaker 1 Did Koreans have slaves? Yeah, Google that. Yeah, because I think that's fucking wrong.
Somebody built them pyramids. It wasn't just somebody like, you know what? We're going to go on the bottom.

Speaker 1 Korea had the longest unbroken chain.

Speaker 1 Korea had the longest unbroken chain of slavery of any society in history, spanning 1,500 years. Fuck off.

Speaker 1 That's not what it says. Zoom it in.
My eyes are blurry.

Speaker 1 Zoom it in. Carlos.
I want to read it, all right? Read it out loud. You see that? I want a piece of shit.
Get close. All right.

Speaker 1 Korea had the longest unbroken chain of slavery of any society in history.

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Holy shit.

Speaker 1 You guys are fucking scumbags. We're scumbags.
We're fuckoffs. Dude, that's insane.

Speaker 1 That is super insane. But who? Who did we enslave? Find out.
Yeah, who did we enslave? Well, a caste system, first of all, you fucking enslave your own fucking people. The nobies.
That doesn't count.

Speaker 1 Yes, it does.

Speaker 1 How does that count? That's even more repulsive. Your own brother?

Speaker 2 If I have kids and I have a sweatshop,

Speaker 1 you know, turn the machines on.

Speaker 2 Let's make some Nikes. I mean, come on.

Speaker 1 It's fucking gross. It is.
It's nice. It's worth it.
But I think that's the way we approach it. We try to have some fun in this bullshit.
I love you, Doc.

Speaker 1 Honestly,

Speaker 1 your perspective on comedy and trying fucked up jokes is probably the reason why I think we get along so well. Hell yeah.
Because

Speaker 1 you sling it. You might as well throw it.
Yeah, I fucking.

Speaker 2 You know, honestly, dude, and this is my honest truth. Here's what I've always loved about you

Speaker 2 is

Speaker 2 I always thought you were funny.

Speaker 2 I've always encouraged you, right? That's true. Is that true or not? 100%.
100%.

Speaker 2 I always, I think you're hilarious. And I always thought you were magical.
But here's the thing: you could take it.

Speaker 1 You know, man, there's this weird thing about comedy where people think you're not supposed to be vulnerable in comedy. But then they watch the Golden Girls, and then they watch Martin.

Speaker 1 They see Cole or Rose and they laugh hysterically. It's like, yeah, I'm like the Rose and Cole sometimes.
I can take it. You throw it out.
I'm sitting back. And then I could be the guy to give it.

Speaker 1 It's just like one of those things. So I don't trip on it.
You know what I'm saying? I love that statement. That's good.
That's pretty powerful. Very powerful.
But it is true.

Speaker 1 Also, we get so sometimes on this show, like like, we're fucking around so much. We're joking around.
But then when we do get serious,

Speaker 1 there are moments when we have to let it sit and be real and then joke about it afterwards. But comics are always expected to, like, you know, constantly pump out comedy and jokes and jokes and jokes.

Speaker 1 But we have our vulnerable moments. Bobby showed a lot of vulnerability.

Speaker 1 When you went away, your phone calls were super vulnerable to me.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It was heavy.

Speaker 2 Really heavy.

Speaker 1 But I mean,

Speaker 1 I'm glad we have to have that thing, too. That has to exist because because it's got to be real love beyond all the comedy.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 when you look back at my

Speaker 1 stock.

Speaker 2 Because when I was growing up in comedy in the 90s, just the people above me. 80s.
80s? Oh, fuck up.

Speaker 1 80s.

Speaker 2 The people above me were so mean.

Speaker 1 It was the same for me when I started.

Speaker 2 I know. But I think we're nicer to the young people.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. I love it.

Speaker 2 10 times.

Speaker 1 But I love... I think the difference is, and I'll be honest,

Speaker 1 the younger people now in comedy,

Speaker 1 I think are

Speaker 1 funnier at a younger age than we were.

Speaker 2 My God, there's some young kids, like Trevor Wallace. One time, I didn't know who he was, and I followed him at the improv.
And I would look down and I'm like, oh, this white guy got this.

Speaker 2 I didn't watch a set.

Speaker 1 This white guy, I got this.

Speaker 1 You're a fucking. In my head.
Yeah. In my head.
And then say it out loud. All right.

Speaker 2 And I struggled.

Speaker 1 You did.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because I didn't take it seriously. And I walked up and he crushed.
You could hear it. Yeah.
And then when I was on stage, I was just like, oh,

Speaker 2 this guy's good.

Speaker 1 You know who kills? You know who I really like? Because you've talked about Trevor on the show before,

Speaker 1 but I want to give a. I like Matt Lockwood.
Do you know who that is? Oh, Matt Lockwood. I love him.
Yeah, he crushes.

Speaker 1 I think he's so fucking funny. But he's part of, I don't know, age-wise, how old he is, but he's part of, I mean, the younger group of people.

Speaker 2 Or even before Trevor, you think.

Speaker 1 You're about to say that. I don't know how old they are.
I don't know how old any of these fucking guys are. But I mean.

Speaker 2 Or when I first saw Taylor Tomlinson, I'm like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Her special just permit just came out.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, just

Speaker 1 29. He's a young guy.
Amazing. Let me ask you all this.
Yeah. Now, you were talking about how hard people were on you in the 90s or the 50s or whatever time you grew up.
So now, think about this.

Speaker 1 Do you think you would have

Speaker 1 been able to handle? Both down.

Speaker 2 I'm trying. It's not a job interview.

Speaker 1 But do you think you would have been able to handle living in New York and being a comedy? Because you know how they were.

Speaker 1 I think it would have been the same for Bobby. You think so? Yeah,

Speaker 1 only because

Speaker 1 I think New York gets this credit like they're more gritty than us for some reason in the world of comedy. Comedy was just as competitive.

Speaker 1 It's just, I think New York, New York peers were a little bit more harsh to each other, more like, you know, maybe they pushed each other more. And

Speaker 1 that is a joke-centric city of like hardcore joke writers. But it doesn't mean the competition wasn't as tough out here.
Maybe, you know.

Speaker 1 I think out here it was more like a lot of personality-based comedy came out of L.A. more so than thoroughbred joke writers.
I'll give them that. But also, we've caught up to them at this point.

Speaker 1 There's plenty of fucking phenomenal joke writers that are coming out of L.A. and other places, not New York.
They just kind of claim that fame.

Speaker 1 But for Bobby, the competition was insanely thick and also littered with everyone that wasn't him. You know what I mean? It was like.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because back when I did it, there was like three Asian dudes I was aware of. If that.
If that, right? There was Dad Fan.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he was. Steve Byrne.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then Ken started doing it. But that was later, yeah.
A couple years later. So there wasn't a, but my mom always says, you know, if

Speaker 1 I did not come to America.

Speaker 1 That's, yeah. No, that's a pretty good question.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You, you would have, you know, you would have carried rice in Korea

Speaker 1 as a job. Buka.

Speaker 2 And booka.

Speaker 2 So, um, but I, I, my argument is, mom, there's comedy there too. I mean, I think I would have, no matter what society I lived in, unless it was like

Speaker 2 I was in like

Speaker 2 a Cambodian person that was living in the Pol Pot regime or something, Khmer Rouge. Tough.
There's no opportunity there.

Speaker 2 But any place that was, there was opportunity, I think I would have survived and done it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you wouldn't be doing stand-up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I would have done some form of comedy. And my friend Danny Cho, you know Danny? I don't.
I don't think so. So Danny Cho was, I used to do this sketch on Mad TV called

Speaker 2 Johnny Gone and Pongo. Oh, I know this sketch.
Put Johnny Gone and Pongo. Oh, yeah.
Johnny Gone and Pongo. Gone?

Speaker 2 Johnny Gon, G-A-N

Speaker 2 and Pongo. Just put it in something.
Let's just see what happens.

Speaker 2 There we go. So go to the duo with the second one.

Speaker 2 So I used to do a sketch called Johnny Gon. You know what I mean? And he's basically, I have my own talk show in this island off of Thailand.

Speaker 2 And it's a makeshift, you know what I mean, talk show. And I just just, he didn't say much.
I used to slap him in the face. And then if you lift open the shirt, there's an underdeveloped,

Speaker 2 he has a twin that was underdeveloped.

Speaker 1 So he would talk.

Speaker 2 So there's a Korean guy coming out of his belly.

Speaker 1 And he would talk.

Speaker 2 So after Mad TV was over, he was doing stand-up and he goes, he says to me one day, he goes, there's no stand-up in Korea. And I go, okay.
And he goes,

Speaker 2 This is the most racist sketch. I did 20 of these.

Speaker 1 But it's about Koreans, no?

Speaker 2 No, they're Thai. and they're it's so stereotypical.
It's so fucking backwards.

Speaker 1 Very King Lao, Johnny Gon. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, Bob.

Speaker 2 First movie we've seen is Little Miss Sunshines.

Speaker 4 Let me tell you what it is.

Speaker 1 I don't know what it is.

Speaker 4 The movie starts, and I say, I don't know what's doing this here.

Speaker 4 This movie sucks. The people in it is these.
George Clooney's.

Speaker 1 Bob.

Speaker 1 Helen Hunt.

Speaker 1 Jamie.

Speaker 2 So anyway, so that dude started this stand-up scene in Korea.

Speaker 1 And it's doing well. Yeah.
You keep in contact with him?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I also have to say that maybe I have a little something to do with that.

Speaker 1 How?

Speaker 2 Well, I gave the shit guy kid a shot.

Speaker 1 But you didn't put any effort in him opening shit up in Korea. I went, do it yeah that's give away

Speaker 1 but you know what dude my encouragement means something uh no i don't know

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 yeah i'll tell you what is the i'll tell you what is weird and i talked about this on my show on on whiskey jitter

Speaker 1 there is this weird looming thing about scientology that like nobody talks about in la but it's fucking everywhere it's everywhere Scientology? Oh my God. What?

Speaker 1 They're like the third largest property owner in Los Angeles. Yeah, yeah.
They own everything. That means there's thousands of them, but no one talks about who is it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, I dated one.
You know that, right?

Speaker 1 I know. We talked to us.
Yeah. But I'm just saying, like, it's not a conversation piece, and yet they're fucking everywhere.

Speaker 1 How come nobody wants to talk about it?

Speaker 2 Well, it was in the movie, the Scientology movie.

Speaker 1 Would it come and become clear, going clear? Yeah, going clear.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? About all the real estate that they own. No, no, but I'm saying.

Speaker 1 You have to be friends with a lot of people that are Scientologists and just not know it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean. You have to be.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just by proxy, we're here.
That's what weirds me out is I'm like, how come no one tells me about it? Or they don't even bring it up. Yeah.
They don't recruit you.

Speaker 1 No, you know what's funny? My first fucking audition in LA was for a movie, for a Scientology movie. You know, they have their own video production company.

Speaker 1 I got an audition off of like Craigslist or some bullshit, and it was like looking for young, you know, eager 20-something-year-old men to be in a whatever blah, blah, blah, video production.

Speaker 1 So I went to the Church of Scientology on Franklin. You know, the Franklin one? Yeah.
And I knew nothing about it. I had just moved here.
I didn't even, I've never even heard of it before.

Speaker 1 And I went into this little

Speaker 1 celebrity center. I went to this little audition room, and they made me fill out all this paperwork.
Dude, it was endless. And in my mind, I was like, fuck, auditions are.

Speaker 1 You got to sign away your soul for these things. And then at the end of it, I realized, oh, this is a church, huh? It's a church thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Like, I finally caught fire.

Speaker 2 There's a gigantic marble head statue of fucking L. Ron Hubbard.

Speaker 1 I didn't know who that was. I was 21 years old.

Speaker 2 Who'd you think that was?

Speaker 1 I thought it was Ron Hubbard.

Speaker 1 I thought it was Ron Howard.

Speaker 1 Not L. Ron Hubbard.
I thought it was Ron Howard. I misheard it.
Plus, there's like Helpie, my hero.

Speaker 2 There's all this navel drapery, and then they have the can-can machines.

Speaker 1 I was poor. I needed money.
They were going to give me money. I'm not going to be angry.
I'm just asking a question. No, but I'm telling you my answer.

Speaker 1 I was a dumb, poor 21-year-old who was like, I can't eat this month. I'll take anything.

Speaker 2 Did you get the part?

Speaker 1 No, I as soon as I found out it was a church, I immediately jetted because I was like, I don't want to do some religious bullshit that I know nothing about.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that would have been dangerous.

Speaker 1 It was bad, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I seriously, I went in a room, I filled out all this stuff.
It was like, do you have a history of, you know, it started off small.

Speaker 1 It's like, do you ever have a history of health conditions, mental illness in your family, cancer? And I was like, why didn't you know all this medical shit? Yeah. And I filled out fucking all of it.

Speaker 1 So somewhere in the books, they've got a half a Santino audition.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but there was a time in Hollywood.

Speaker 2 You couldn't even say the word. Like, we, Mad TV did a sketch.
Remember that movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding? I love. We did a sketch called My Big Fat Scientology Wedding.

Speaker 2 We built the set, we casted it. The lawyers came in, they shut it down.

Speaker 1 Because somebody up top in fuck, somebody up top at uh, but that's how much power they had.

Speaker 2 So, at the time, like, even talking about this right now makes me scared.

Speaker 1 No, they're what the fuck. I know, but at that time, though.
I'm not saying anything bad.

Speaker 2 I know, but at that time, you have to understand the kind of power they had in Hollywood. Yeah, because remember, they sued the IRS, like

Speaker 2 thousands of people sued the IRS as Scientologists, and then they gave them religious immunity. What is it? Tax, the IRS tax,

Speaker 1 some of the biggest stars of Scientologists, right?

Speaker 2 Name me some. Will Smith.

Speaker 1 Will Smith.

Speaker 1 Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise.
Will Smith? Yeah, Will Smith, Christy Alley, Tom Cruise.

Speaker 1 What does that say? Nancy Cartwright. Nancy Cartwright, who voices Bart.

Speaker 1 Travolta. Travolta was.
He's not on there anymore, though.

Speaker 2 Giovanni Rubisi.

Speaker 1 Is he? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 Because the girl that I dated.

Speaker 1 I do want to see Zenu. I'm not going to lie.

Speaker 2 I do want to see him, too.

Speaker 1 Well, that's why they get you. They get you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get a little bit of money in your pocket.
They're like, dude, 100 grand, you can meet Zenu. You're like, what is he like?

Speaker 2 Dude, it's funny because that's like, you have to pay.

Speaker 2 hundreds of thousands of dollars to get glasses to get to even that level and years and years. And then imagine you work all this time, 20 years, you finally get to the ninth level, whatever it is.

Speaker 2 They give you a briefcase, and then there's like writings of, you know, like handwritten letters and stuff by L. Ron Hubbard.
But then they tell you about Xenu then.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I can only imagine what

Speaker 2 you would have done.

Speaker 1 You would have been. Imagine it.
You would have snapped. They hand me the briefcase.
And they walk out of the room. And then they come back.
I'm just jerking off in the briefcase.

Speaker 1 Like, this is how I love everyone.

Speaker 1 Dude, I buy into none of this stuff. I think it's all gobbly gook.

Speaker 2 But I do want to say, as their defense.

Speaker 2 No, I don't care. I want to defend them.

Speaker 1 I have nothing against the people. I don't give a shit.
I don't buy it.

Speaker 2 You know how sometimes when

Speaker 2 you talk to people, like comics especially, and they never really tell you how they feel or what's going on or even like fake shit like, you know, great set when they haven't even seen your set or whatever.

Speaker 1 I hate that. Yeah, I hate that.

Speaker 2 But Scientologists are very like clear. And so when I did date one, I knew exactly what was going on, how she felt.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? She was just honest. Maybe that was a character trait and not Scientology.

Speaker 2 No, it was that because her mom was like that. Her people around her were like that.
They're just very clear.

Speaker 1 Did she ever try to recruit you to the church?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Did you ever think about it?

Speaker 2 I went there and I did the machine.

Speaker 1 If the pussy was good enough, you'd be a Scientologist today. That's the truth.

Speaker 1 If the trap was good, you'd be there.

Speaker 1 She's a beautiful girl. Pussy has made some guys do fucking all sorts of tricks.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if she was like a 10,

Speaker 2 right, I think I would be like, I didn't have scales on my face.

Speaker 2 I'd Zenu scales, right? I'd have the implants. I think I would look like them.

Speaker 1 I'd wear the blue suit.

Speaker 2 I would scrub.

Speaker 1 You'd go to, what is it called? What's the one in Florida? The one in Tampa. What is it called? They're

Speaker 1 Sea Org.

Speaker 1 Sea Org, yeah.

Speaker 2 I would probably have a different language. Like, say hi to me.

Speaker 1 Meow.

Speaker 1 Bobby, what the fuck? Why is that?

Speaker 1 In the middle of a set on stage.

Speaker 1 Right. You're like, yeah, my friend and I were traveling.
Meow, get that toss. You're like, oh my God, I'm sorry.
Sorry, that guy. There they are right now, lined up like Captain.

Speaker 1 That was the, I think, the biggest bother to me was that they mock the military. That's like mock military.
They have nothing to do with the military. Yeah.
This is stolen valor, isn't it?

Speaker 1 How come they can't clap them for this? Because it's religion.

Speaker 1 But they're mocking a more.

Speaker 2 Whoa, I don't like the way you fucking said that. We know it's a religion.

Speaker 1 I was saying it confidently.

Speaker 2 But you're staking the claim. I don't know what.

Speaker 1 No, definitely not. No, this, no.
No, but I mean, like, but truly, this is military garb in a religious form. To me, it's very odd.
There's no military ties.

Speaker 1 That guy don't look like he can protect anybody

Speaker 1 that's a girl by the way oh it is

Speaker 1 you don't know that person gender oh no my bad that day could be whatever that day wants yeah but they get paid like what like 15 cents a day i mean just crazy i don't know they pay them i think they donate their time when they go to that sea org thing but then if you snake your way to the thing then you get then you get like capital gains from other like you know from other members and then you start to move up and then you start making money do you know where you see them at the gelsons on franklin really really

Speaker 2 Yeah. So it's the Sea Org people.
They're at the Gelsons. So like Gelson closes at midnight.

Speaker 1 And they're there at 11. So if you're 11, 11.

Speaker 1 If you're there at 11, you see them. What are they? Suits.
They snacking on. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And yeah.

Speaker 1 And I always go, ohoy.

Speaker 1 You don't know what this is. I go, ohoy.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And I always let them like.

Speaker 1 Coming up on your starboard. Heads up.

Speaker 2 I always let them cut in line.

Speaker 1 Oh, because you think.

Speaker 2 No, I just feel like, yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 1 You know, I don't want my career to be all ruined. No, you know what it is? You do that because just in case they have the key to the thing.

Speaker 2 What thing?

Speaker 1 The life. The mystery of the universe.
You think so? Like, if, say, the world ends, and all these Scientologists are like, you fools, you didn't listen to us. And then they point at Bobby.

Speaker 1 They're like, he's okay. He's with us.
Yeah. He let me pass at Gelson's.
And then maybe

Speaker 1 you get lifted up in the spaceship with them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they look at Doc and they go, Doc as well.
Yeah. And they look at me and they're like, fuck no.

Speaker 2 I think the reason why is because I am a huge Tom Cruise fan.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I like him. Who's not a Tom Cruise fan? Let's move something fun.
Bob, Carlos wants me to go to the can real fast. He says he's got some hot ones in here.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Let me try one.

Speaker 1 What if Andrew was tragically killed in an elephant trampling? What if elephants trampled me to death? Do you know what's so insane about this?

Speaker 1 I was watching Naked and Afraid the other night, and there were elephants going by their camp.

Speaker 1 And the South African guy was like, you know, know, they'll beryl right over the bush. They'll fuck you up.
It's right over the bush. They'll push it down.

Speaker 1 And I thought, how the fuck would you get away from an elephant in the middle?

Speaker 2 You're fucked. Dude, if you got trampled by elephants, please don't do that.
Because you know what I turn into? Moby Dick.

Speaker 2 I would hunt down every elephant. Would you really feel me?

Speaker 1 Out of rage. Are you serious? Oh, yeah.
But then would you be able to tell people how to trampled?

Speaker 2 Because the one that trampled you, I'd keep him alive.

Speaker 2 I would keep him alive.

Speaker 2 And I would have. um you'd feed him yeah feed him like wash him nobu

Speaker 1 you give an elephant i don't know i don't know if elephants love high who the fuck

Speaker 2 is sushi but you want to go to nobu and they would have to well because of covet maybe they have an outdoor area they've got to have outdoor sushi yeah

Speaker 1 bobby is that a horse or he's a he's a horse elephant yeah well how does an elephant sound

Speaker 2 right he's going you know homache yeah yes he loves homache he's like new style sashimi right so if that happened i would hunt all of them down, kill them, and keep the one that trampled you over.

Speaker 1 I love you. Thank you, man.
But then you'd secretly kill that guy later in life. You'd keep him around, and then you'd kill him.
You'd slowly kill him.

Speaker 2 Oh, I would, yeah, slowly like peel a skin.

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 1 they dismantle and stamp.

Speaker 1 They kill people constantly. How many people get killed by elephants a year? No, seriously, this is like a real thing.
How often they do. They're aggressive as fuck.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen an elephant in real life? No. Holy shit.
I mean, in zoo, but not like.

Speaker 1 How human deaths, what is that? 100 to 500. 500 a year.
500 fucking people are dying at the hands of an elephant.

Speaker 1 How is that happening repeatedly like that? Dude, because people that live in. Look, elephants have been known to raid villages in South Asia.
Hey, Bobby. So, so it's a lot of Asians getting killed by

Speaker 1 you fucking.

Speaker 1 Slow down. Hold on.
Hold on.

Speaker 1 You fucking rat fucker. Hey, fucking ASA.
Hey, hey, this is a teachable movie. I don't give a shit.
I'm just asking.

Speaker 2 Right, so let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 To his point.

Speaker 2 You talk to any fucking kid.

Speaker 2 Sorry, my tone. Dad, come come on.
You talk to any fucking kid.

Speaker 2 Where do elephants live? Do they say fucking

Speaker 1 Hong Kong? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Or do they say fucking Africa, bro?

Speaker 1 Africa.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 2 I bet you more black people get trampled.

Speaker 1 You want to do a race war? Oh, boy. You want to do a race war?

Speaker 1 I bet you we don't. Why? Because you're.
Why? Because you're about to say something racist. Why? They ain't somebody say nothing racist.

Speaker 2 No, just say why, and we'll cut it out.

Speaker 1 Because black people are like the tarzan of

Speaker 1 their physical eliteness. Well, you're weird.
Well, facts are facts.

Speaker 1 Who's going to outrun an elephant? An Asian guy or a black guy? Honestly. Or Hussein Bolt.
Who's your money on? Hussein Bolt or what's the figure skater's name from Korea? Yeah. Nathan Chen.

Speaker 1 If Nathan Chen versus Hussein Bolt, who's going to win?

Speaker 2 But if it was on ice?

Speaker 1 Elephants on battle. If it was on ice.
Elephants on ice.

Speaker 1 Elephants on ice. Elephants on ice.
They can't skate. What a good play that was.
Anyway.

Speaker 1 I got to tell you something. Google this right now because I want to see, to prove maybe Doc's point.
Where are the majority of elephant deaths? Where do they take place?

Speaker 1 Where's the highest amount of elephant deaths?

Speaker 2 I would say. Okay, you're saying China, Asia.
I'm saying Africa.

Speaker 1 The majority of

Speaker 1 elephant.

Speaker 1 Home means getting killed by elephants. You're saying what? Africa? Yep.
And what are you saying, Doc? Asia? No.

Speaker 1 It's actually India. 300 people may be killed.
So it is Asia. Yeah.
Asia was right.

Speaker 1 It said South Asia in the clip. So 300 people may be killed by the South.

Speaker 1 It's always always like an Indian dude fucking around. Yeah, it's 100%.

Speaker 2 Oh, really? Now it's an Indian dude? Before you didn't even know, give me the fucking

Speaker 1 right next door. Right next door.
Well, India is in Asia. Yeah, whatever.
It's in Asia. Yeah.
Of course. Bobby doesn't want like that, though.
You don't accept Indians as Asian. They're South Asians.

Speaker 1 They are.

Speaker 2 But also, like.

Speaker 1 To be fair, when I was in Tokyo in Japan, I saw elephants everywhere. In Japan? All over the streets.
In Japan. Roaming the streets of Tokyo.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's crazy.

Speaker 2 What if Bobby was at Tiananmen Square?

Speaker 2 When?

Speaker 1 That is a really good one. You wrote that? Was that you, Pete?

Speaker 2 You mean when the guy that chewed gum and he threw it and then was in prison? Is that Tiananmen Scare?

Speaker 1 Where? Yeah. Is that what that is?

Speaker 1 Dude, it's the tank. You've never seen the image.
This iconic image. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that they're saying you standing in front of a tank.
What would you have done if you were him?

Speaker 1 I would not. You know what? That tank could have kept rolling over Bobby and then not killed him at all.
It could have just kept going. That's funny.
It wouldn't even have touched him.

Speaker 1 It would have just gone over his head and he's like, oh, hey. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You would have never, dude, never stopped in front. You would have never gone in front of a tank.
You don't have that kind of story.

Speaker 2 It depends on

Speaker 2 why he's doing it.

Speaker 1 Those tanks were going to kill your mom. Yeah, I would.
Those tanks are going to kill your brother.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Big pause.
I would know you had a thing about that. Those tanks are going to kill George.

Speaker 1 Say it. Nobody can hear you.
No. Okay.
Those tanks are going to kill Fancy.

Speaker 1 No. Those tanks are going to kill Pete and Carlos together combined.
It's a twofer. Ooh, nope.

Speaker 1 Those Pete's are going to kill Doc.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You stand in front of him. Those tanks are going to kill me.
No, no, no. No, that's a no.
You're right. Those tanks are going to kill me.

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 1 I fucking love you. You wouldn't.

Speaker 2 It's only because of money.

Speaker 1 Oh, I get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, who am I going to pod with? Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 2 It's like half my income is your life.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I get that. Yeah, that That makes sense.
Don't get trampled by elephants all right, here we go.

Speaker 1 What if Bob, me, Doc,

Speaker 1 let's do Carlos and Pete

Speaker 1 and George, had to negotiate their order line in a human centipede.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm up front. No, I have to be up front.
No.

Speaker 2 I have to be up front.

Speaker 1 No, no, you're in the back. I'll tell you why.
You're last.

Speaker 2 He's last.

Speaker 1 Why would I be last?

Speaker 2 Because you don't know what we're talking about.

Speaker 1 Well, you do have the short. animation.

Speaker 1 You don't know what any of it means, so just be last. You know what human centipede is? You never saw it? No.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Well, first of all, you'd be at the end. The reason, that's us.

Speaker 1 The reason you'd be at the end. Oh, like the elephant walk.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. In the movie, this is a real movie.

Speaker 2 These tourists get captured by some.

Speaker 2 Sorry to explain.

Speaker 2 Imagine this is a pitch to a fucking studio.

Speaker 1 So this is actually what... Yeah, I'm a studio executive.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so.

Speaker 1 Dude, we're so excited to read this script. And you wouldn't let us read it, but can we just hear what it is?

Speaker 2 I'd love to tell you. Okay, love it.
it so um i'm so excited we're such basically um uh-huh these american tourists that go to

Speaker 1 okay this is a great expression i love this they go to germany oh my god and we can shoot in germany

Speaker 1 oh my god yeah so locations locations

Speaker 2 yeah yeah it's everything and crazy night out you know what i mean partying they run into a german surgeon or you know type that type of guy i love this like chris christoph waltz exactly exactly maybe we get him maybe we don't okay okay let's go and then uh they get captured by him right okay tension drama tension drama love Love it.

Speaker 2 Anyway, they captured two girls, right? He captured two girls and an Asian guy, a Japanese guy. Great.
Another, you know, tourist. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because in Japan, they love to go to different countries.

Speaker 1 Do they ever, though, do they not? And they're just click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

Speaker 2 And then anyway, he's a surgeon, so these three wake up. And so, you know,

Speaker 2 one,

Speaker 2 it's a human centipede.

Speaker 1 You love animals?

Speaker 2 I love animals. Yeah, you love David Attenbutto?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Yeah.
You know, my favorite.

Speaker 2 All those, you know, the ones about the the

Speaker 2 life, you know, and all the animal. You know, I love it.

Speaker 1 Exactly. I love it.

Speaker 2 I love it, right? Love them. Anyway, so he makes the three a human synthesis.
So how this works is, you know, I

Speaker 1 crazy.

Speaker 1 It's crazy.

Speaker 2 This is a make-believe guy.

Speaker 1 I love this movie already.

Speaker 2 Anyway, he surgically implants

Speaker 2 their mouths to each other's butthole.

Speaker 2 So, you know, the guy in the front has the easiest. I'm going to make him the Asian guy because, you know,

Speaker 2 his poo's are small and tiny, you know, because he does eat a lot.

Speaker 2 But anyway, so he pulls into the woman's mouth, right? And then she pulls into the other woman's mouth. And they just kind of go,

Speaker 2 well, the two, you know, what's good about this? Not a lot of dialogue for the two girls.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because, you know,

Speaker 2 you cannot die when you're surgically implanted into somebody's butthole. Right.
Yeah. So they don't, as an actress, what a wonder.

Speaker 1 Let me stop you right there

Speaker 1 let me stop you yes

Speaker 1 here's a check for 800 million

Speaker 1 exactly so that's that was an actual movie who is the human centipede so are you fucking kidding

Speaker 1 you never you never heard of it oh yeah yeah that's the craziest okay so anyway

Speaker 2 in a huge human centimeter pedee right doc would be at the end

Speaker 1 right i will tell you why doc

Speaker 1 on a real centipede yeah the back has to be the most important, okay, because your legs have to be the strongest and yours are the shortest and strongest to the ground because you've got to push all that weight up front.

Speaker 2 Yeah, imagine like a bunch of people inside you putting coal.

Speaker 1 You're the caboose. You're the caboose.
But I want to shit in somebody's mouth, too. If I'm going to be getting myself together.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, I know.

Speaker 1 If we add somebody, maybe we'll find someone else.

Speaker 1 That's what you're right. You know what?

Speaker 2 I know your fear, and I know how bummed you'd be. So can you just imagine somebody is? Because you're not going to really even care.

Speaker 1 How about this? Yeah. At night, at night, the first guy, Bobby, he has to come all the way around.
You get to poop in his mouth. So it's a big circle set.

Speaker 1 Just at night. During the day? Just at night.
You can't shit in anybody's mouth. Right.

Speaker 2 All right. So

Speaker 2 you and I would have to gamble to his front. Let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 Yeah. If you take front, I'm somewhere way down the line.
I don't want to be anywhere near.

Speaker 2 I promise you this. It's bad.
I promise you this.

Speaker 2 I will change change my diet.

Speaker 1 Doubt it. You won't do that just to spite me.
No, I won't. If I'm behind you,

Speaker 1 I'm sure you're just like, let's just go. Kimchi, Kimchi, Kimchi, Kimchi, Timchy.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to do that. Yeah, you will.

Speaker 2 Let's go. No, I would go.

Speaker 1 Pork belly, pork belly, pork belly.

Speaker 1 I mean, it would be. You want to do a note.

Speaker 2 I swear to God,

Speaker 2 I would go to, you know where we would go?

Speaker 1 Hope. That little vegetarian restaurant on Ventura, right? No, it's even worse.
Why? No, you need proteins for it to be more solid.

Speaker 1 You tell me. I'd rather something thick that I can bite into.
All right, right. So, how about this, right?

Speaker 2 You can't talk, right? So, what I would do is I'll give you a piece of paper, right? And go, you know, I'll go, what should I have for breakfast? I'll be very mindful about it.

Speaker 1 Coffee. Coffee? Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. And I'll just drink coffee.
That's what I want to get it over with. Oh, you want to get it over with? Well, coffee's going to make it.

Speaker 2 So if I'm in the front, you'd be second?

Speaker 1 Ah, please. Just give me a space.
You know what? Yeah. Carlos.
He's got a low-impact diet. I know he doesn't eat a lot of crazy shit.
Do you, Carlos? No. Okay, good.

Speaker 2 You know why I also want him? Huh? His smooth head.

Speaker 1 On your asshole. On my asshole, which feels so good.

Speaker 1 That cold, smooth head. All right, so then me, and then after me is Pete.

Speaker 1 Oh, hell no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, hell no. Yeah, hello.
Oh, hell no. The colour's got to be where Pete is.

Speaker 1 Look how big Pete is. That means he's got to be shitting in my mom.
No, no, no, it's kind of eat a little bit. George is still in between you.
Oh, George is still in the shit.

Speaker 1 So George is going to get the, as usual, George is going to get the brunt of all the shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes.

Speaker 2 So George is attached to Pete.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then, and then Doc is attached to George.
George, yeah. Which I feel like is a good lineup.
Well, no.

Speaker 1 Because once again, George gets the brunt of all the shit, just like this show. Yeah.
And he probably won't give Doc any shit because

Speaker 1 he just feels bad.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but what.

Speaker 1 Because Doc will be like, oh, yeah, another white man's shit in my mouth. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but the thing is that what you're going to be eating is going to be the closest thing to food.

Speaker 1 Yeah, from

Speaker 1 what he's eating, pure shit.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's nothing remotely food in there. No nutrients, nothing.
Oh, Oh, yeah, because it's a trickle. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Amen. We got to think about this whole concept, man.
That ain't true. Well, let me say this.

Speaker 1 I'm a Scientologist.

Speaker 1 You're all done for, dude. I'm cooking you, bud.
It's over. I'm telling everybody about this that you guys talk shit.
I was baiting you.

Speaker 1 You're fucked.

Speaker 1 You know what? Oh.

Speaker 1 Even if that were to be true, they wouldn't let me in.

Speaker 2 They wouldn't.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't have enough money. You have to have so much money to get it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend.