Bobby Complex & The Tall Whites

Hey, Bad Friends fans.

Hi.

This weekend, I'm in Irvine, March 18th and 19th.

I'm at the Irvine Improv, and Bob is telling you,

if you don't sell it out, he's going to quit this show.

Yeah, so go get the tickets, or I'm going to quit this show.

You're going to quit the show.

I told you to say what you're supposed to say, so say that, all right?

And then I'm in Vegas at the end of the month.

Then I go to Dallas, Vancouver.

We're putting up more dates as we go.

AndrewSantino.com.

AndrewSantino.com AndrewSantino.com

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an

Asian dude. You two

are disgusting.

You two are something. We're bad

friends. Two for

tea and tea for

two. You and me

and me and you together again. Oh, is that it? I don't know what you're doing.
I started off with a song. We started with a song sometimes.
Oh, I know. Oh, you're making up one? Yeah.
Oh, I don't know. Well, don't correct me if we're making it up.
Well, two for tea is a song. Yeah, yeah.
The deer line was good. Tea is for deer.
Let's try it again. All right.
Two for tea. A teenage deer.
No, a teenage deer? How old? 18, 19? Sounds like you're doing're doing dough a deer and I'm just going a teenage deer does everybody know what tea for two is tea for two I've never heard of that well whites tea for two and two for tea is that it? tea for two, Doris Day bro this is like white shit I said it why would a Korean dude that's like from the streets know white shit oh and I don't know any Korean stuff I love Korean stuff name me a Korean thing T for two and two for two no you're doing it too right two for two a two a two a two a two a two a two do? So what did I do last night, by the way? Or what? Last night? Two nights ago. I did Scissor Brothers.
I'm sorry. Me too.
You were great. I can't believe I did that.
You were great. I stole Jeremiah's baby.
Yeah. They had a, we did a little game.
Mm-hmm. I actually had a really good time filming it in their sex dungeon.
Not even sex dungeon. It's disgusting.
It's terrible. It's disgusting.
You almost want to go, am I going to die? I could hear raccoons clawing at the fucking side of the garage. In the back, teenage deers just eating, going, two.
Can I ask you something? Are there deers that are teenagers? That's all I need to know. What's the lifespan of a deer? Yeah, yeah.
The average lifespan of a deer is two to three years. So no, they never make it to teenager.
No, but that would mean that deer, a teenage deer would be like nine months old or whatever. Well, no, what's deer years to human years? That's what I'm saying.
Like dog years. They have teenage years.
It's probably a month though. Yeah, like, yeah.
Yeah. They have a month to smoke pot.
You know what I mean? So when they're one half old. You know what I mean? Only a few male deer live in captivity.
Have been reported to live more than 15 years. Human age and deer years.
Conversion. Yeah.
Human to deer. Oh, it's every one year is two and a quarter years of a deer.
And we can do any animal here, too. This is great.
Well, that's any animal? That's fucking bullshit. No, we can compute any animal, he's saying.
Oh, I see. I thought that was just a thing for every animal.
So what about the turtle? That looks for 300 years. Time out.
A 16-year-old deer. Oh my God, I don't have to do math.
This is terrible. Yeah, this is a lot harder than I thought.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's 2.29 of one human,'s 2.29 of one human right so so why do we need to so go to 16 i should have never said teenage deer type in 16 i want to do this type in 16 for a deer just type in 16 right there let me type on it oh this fucking guy did you get the coffee do you know he definitely didn't oh did we get the premium package for this website we how come we're not subscribed to this human conversion yeah easy calculation can we just get a boost let's just anyway who gives a shit yeah you saw Batman for the second time yeah did you like it the second time around you know what lives longer than less than a teenage deer or a deer in general that I just fucked the joke up.
Give me another call. Go ahead.
All right. Do you want to, you know what dies? Let me just see.
I just need the wording. Do you want, you know what dies earlier than a deer? What? Carlos's hairline.
It's not good. See, it's just bad.
Yeah, Batman. Cut all that out and let's talk about the Batman.
Leave that in. Yeah, yeah.
The Batman. Did you see it? Did not.
Refused to. I'm going to see it.
I'm just, I'm not in the mood for, I've been fighting all the trolls on the internet are mad about me saying Robert Pattinson I don't like as a Batman. People, you're wrong.
You don't know what you're talking about. Yeah.
I don't, about look I don't want the kid from Twilight to be Batman yeah he's absolutely amazing he's amazing okay I don't like his look I didn't like Steve Martin in Cheaper by the Dozen sure you did that movie was amazing I just thought it could have gone to March short no no I mean that's how silly that sounds how silly that sounds, though. No, it doesn't.
Yeah. Like, I don't want...
I want Batman to be a tough guy. A guy's guy.
This guy isn't a guy's guy. I don't want Cate Blanchett to play Queen Elizabeth.
I want Idris Elba. No, that one's not close.
Okay, I'm just saying... Queen Elizabeth's not a black guy.
I know, but nowadays... I want always Batman to be a guy's guy a tough guy

he's a tough guy in this dude

no he's not

he's a little emo

emo is

why could he listen to a little dashboard confessional

cause that's not Batman

this Batman listens to dashboard confessional

he cuts himself

right

he's a

Batman's supposed to be a vapid rich asshole

who's like a tough piece

this like tough roughneck

who's trying to avenge his parents death

but can I just say

he's more violent

than all the other Batman

the film is more violent

Thank you. piece this like tough rough neck who's trying to avenge his parents death but can i just say he's more violent than all the other the film is more violent he is i just character i don't believe him what's the fucking movie man it's so good let me say something right now i don't believe him i'm allowed to feel this way all right but you know poison ivy's in it and it's what's her name it's lenny kravitz's kid right no that's cat woman oh she's cat woman yeah who's poison that girl that's in queens and gambit oh i love her yeah yeah what's her name anya taylor joy anya taylor joy is in it she's got those big shark eyes right and she like plants trees so she's poison ivy yeah i still don't i just don't i just don't get it i just want a man's man harry styles is like i think that he's harry styles is like being uplifted to be robin because he's in it i think because his name is robin and i just assume he's robin i went to the grove to see it and i fell asleep and i just i had to fucking love you carlos yeah yeah because it's great because it's bullshit isn't it no it was honestly too late and i took anxiety medication i just passed out he was high he was high and this is such fucking bullshit what addicts do they go well i was on anxiety med no you were fucking you're out of your mind and probably a little drinky drink huh i know a little drinky drink huh no this is all projecting yeah bobby's is that really 10 days you fucking where's my, man? You have two Red Bulls.
Oh, that's true. And an oatmeal.
Thank you for this. But can I talk about what I just went through with my parent mom? Please.
So I realized that I was born to be fucked. I mean, I had no chance with my parents raising me and stuff.
You mean you were... There's no...
I'll just I'll just give you an example You were dealt a bad hand Yeah So you know I went through all the things That I went through And you know And I What I discovered In the place that I went to Was That my mom had a tough life And she You know I wouldn't want to be sympathetic Toward her Right And have empathy toward her And I've never done this before We were at a Starbucks In Phoenix And I just Took both her. And I've never done this before.
We are at a Starbucks in Phoenix. And I just took both her hands and I go, Mom, I am so sorry the way you were raised, the way you discovered your sister dead that one time.
And then you came to America and then you were born into an abusive home. It was just chaos in your life and I'm literally crying and she goes buka

and I go was that a new drink at Starbucks

no I thought it was a Korean word I go

what's buka she goes

buka the pepo I hungry

oh she wanted to eat yeah

and I go okay this is

this kind of talk

I gotta tell you though once you got buka on the mind it's hard

to get it

once buka's on

the brain I know it's like

What you're saying? this kind of talk. I got to tell you though, once you got Bucca on the mind, it's hard to get it.
Once, once Bucca's on the brain. I know.
It's like, when you think about like, the size of those pasta bones. 19 pounds of lasagna.
Yeah, come on. Right.
And all that chopped salad. Bucca de Beppo.
Yeah, Bucca de Beppo. No, but, I used to valet at Bucca de Beppo in Phoenix.
Really? Yeah, I did. That was my job.
When I was in college, I used to valet. And you know what I do do because it was family style? What? Three cars would pull up and I would rip one valet ticket.
So I'd take the other cash for the other two cars. Yeah.
I was a thief. I used to steal from American Valet.
Fuck you guys. Yeah.
I probably stole legitimately like four or five grand. And then my brother and I.
Come get me. Come get me, American Valet.
Your brother and I said that he talked about you, the car ride. You yelled at him for a good two and a half hours he said of the four and a half hour car ride can i tell you why huh so all weekend i you know what i do is like i'll go hey do you know you want some nathan chen what's nathan chen he's like what is that that's the figure skater he won the gold and this and that.
He'd be like, nah. They'll go, hey, do you want to watch something? Like if I recommend something, he doesn't want to watch it.
Why? He just doesn't. So when I'm the car ride home, I go, hey, you want to watch? He goes, I'm not watching anything because you don't watch my shit.
Oh, that's what that's what it is. You don't watch my shit.
So you know what? Bobby Lee was like open. I go, you know what? I'll watch your shit.

Right. Right? So he goes, all right, fine.
So he goes, every Wednesday, I see this lady on YouTube. And I go, uh-huh.
You know, YouTube's every day. He could look at it.
Not just one. I know, but this particular lady will just post something on Wednesday.
That's her drop date. Her drop date.
Yeah. Like us.
and she's

I guess used to she was a journalist

and she's i guess used to she was a journalist and she found years ago cows on a field that were like mutilated oh is this the alien shit yeah but it gets really crazy okay what's her name can we look her up yeah yeah i have it googled because he not googled but he sent me all her information. So keep talking.
So her name is Linda Moulton Howe.

Linda Moulton Howe?

Yeah.

H-O-W-E?

M-O-U-L-T-O-N Howe.

Yeah, we got it.

Okay, good.

Well, look up her Wikipedia.

Let's see.

What's the validity of this woman?

She used to be a journalist.

She won an Emmy.

I've won an Emmy.

What does that even fucking mean?

That's true.

That's true.

Anyone can.

I haven't won an Emmy, by the way.

But she's like, basically she's saying there's a war between five different alien races. And look at her profile pictures by what aliens built.
Yeah. And then she says, there's an alien race called the Tall Whites.
Oh, me. I told you all this time, I'm like, I'm different.
I'm unique. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Any white over 5'11 is a tall white. Yeah.
And there's like this lizard race and there's arachnids. So that lizard race is Carlos, arachnid, Pete.
Yeah. Who else? Is there another one? Just standard alien me? Yeah, you're a regular alien.
Yeah, yeah, I'm a regular standard alien. You're an alien, yeah.
But telepathic. Oh, a telepathic alien? Well, aliens are telepathic.
I'm like a little gray you the little grays are telepathic yeah you're more yellow than gray but still yeah but when little grays hit the sun the way i hit the sun they turn yellow you fucking asshole you got a little yellow you little gray yeah but anyway my point is is that he believes it i do too you don't believe in aliens? No, but a specific five alien race war between specific aliens that live on dwarf fucking moons behind Pluto. Yeah.
Come on, man. You believe in that? Why not? What's unbelievable about it? Look up tall whites.
Aliens. I'm being real.
Go to images. Nordic aliens.
Yeah, Nordic is the official term. Go to images.
Yeah, Nordic aliens. Yeah.
That looks just like me. I'm see-through like that guy.
Oh, so- Yeah, it's Orlando Bloom. Yeah.
So Orlando Bloom is a tall white? He looks like it to me. Yeah.
Walking with tall whites. Look at that guy.
A guy did a whole thing about it. Yeah, he started walking around with him.
My point is, is that. You don't buy into your brother's bullshit.
I don't think I do. I got to tell you, dude, I'm a big alien guy.
Like, who do you think built the pyramids? Do you really think slaves built the pyramids? Mathematically, they cannot figure out a way that those stones could be hoisted up on the pyramids without help. 2.3 million stones.
stones what do you say 2.3 million stones in that in that yeah and how heavy are those fucking things no matter what hoisting they found out no matter how what kind of hoisting mechanism it would be almost impossible for them to hoist these stones i believe that if i went to mexico okay just hear me out i am ready? And let's say I had like $100 billion.

Got it.

And I just went to Mexico and I went, all right, we're going to outdo the aliens.

In two weeks, we'd have something bigger than that and more precise and more.

But this wasn't from Mexicans, bud.

I know, but Mexicans do it, can do it.

If the pyramids were in Mexico, I would believe that story story 100 yeah they're not they're in egypt right but my point is is that if a if mexicans can do it egyptians can do it that is not true mexicans are the are the tip top of knowing how to do work nobody beats mexicans i know they're the kings i'm giving a compliment they are the most apt hardest working people i've ever seen in my life yeah yeah but the egyptians they're lazy dude they're dancing oh yeah they're doing that they're dancing all day and they're also like doing pottery yeah a lot of pots too much pottery yeah they had no time you're right there must be because there's no way they could do it also they have the whole thing of like you know we're not gonna bury them we're gonnaify. Mummify.
Just wrap it in saran wrap or whatever they use. You need saran wrap.
Wrap it. Can you imagine how long it would take to, like, exhausting.
They're wrapping a guy's leg and at some point they're like, oh God, just no one's going to see. Fuck this guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. At some point.
How long? I'd have pre-cut things and just lay over the head. Like it's a pie crust? If they pultered it over, it's just all there's no there's no fucking wrapping i would just do it really quickly yeah dude i watched last night i watched a fucking thing called you like roommates from hell or something on netflix i try to watch that that this woman spoiler alert don't care this woman this old sweet woman look at that bitch that yeah that bitch yeah yeah i saw she was uh she buried she buried all of her all of her like uh live-in roommates because there were people that came she was like a a rehabilitation center for the mentally ill and the sick and all this stuff and she and and they started digging her backyard and they found so many fucking bodies this one woman listen i i don't need to see it because i know why she did it just by space the phone.
Give me a guess. Because she's so hot.
Yeah, she's a babe. Right? Everybody wanted a boner.
Yeah. And when you're an old lady and you're hot and she happens to...
Look at her lips. You know they say that...
Those are DSLs if I've ever seen them. Yeah.
Those are DSLs, baby. But listen, they say the size and the shape of a woman's mouth is directly proportioned

to the size and the shape of their vagina.

Look at that mouth.

Tight.

Do they say that?

Is that a common phrase?

Yeah.

That's what I've said.

You know what I do?

What do they do about men's penises?

What is the direct correlation?

When you're on a first date with somebody, you say that up front to the girl and they do stuff to their lips. They go, I'll just have the soup.
What's the man's correlation? Feet. The size of your feet is correlated? Yeah.
What size of your feet? Nine, and that's pretty big for my size. For a Korean guy, yeah.
Not for a Korean, just my size. No, for a Korean guy.
That's pretty big for a Korean guy. Average shoe size of a Korean guy.
We can look that up. George, what are you? What is George? How big is your foot, George? I'm at 11.
11. Average size of a Korean guy.
12. 10.
Wow, bigger than all you guys. What is? I'm bigger than all these guys.
No, but is there a Korean one? Yeah, Korean. Average shoe, generally most common shoe sizes of Korea are interval of, so that's seven and a half to 12.
So you're right in the middle, bud. You're right down the gut.
So it's not big at all, actually. You're actually medium for a Korean guy, which is a little bit of a letdown, to be honest with you.
Yeah, I understand. I'm a 12.5.
I beat the whole room. George, you're what, an inch taller than me? 6'2"? Yeah.
Yeah? Are you are you saying that you think that doc our doc has a bigger penis than I do I'm willing to guess yeah that's very upsetting just because of the melatonin that's very upsetting melatonin melanin he does take melatonin often do you miss him a little bit me yeah I do miss him when he's not here also Jules is at school she can't well you know it happens the kids got to learn is she get she's getting anything out of education or no because didn't we we helped fund some of this yeah she's getting good grades yeah but yeah but you know i got good grades but i school was pretty worthless to me i'm being honest yeah but she does like three in the morning i can hear her like just like doing her exams like the night before i mean like i don't know what they do in college i don't know what they do i honestly have no idea do they do essays like uh mexican guys oh yeah yeah yeah she's like does she repeat essay all over on the recorder and go essay this is a pathogon hey um yeah i want to bring something up that's controversial Floridaida just passed the don't say gay bill do you know what this is it's been touted as the don't say gay bill that's actually not it already it actually passed it sure did right uh it's not it's not it's not it's been called the don't say gay bill by the lgbtqia plus community but that's been nicknamed. What it really is is they're removing conversations of, let me read it directly from.
What's up, doc? Yo. What up? What's up, man? What up?

What's happening?

You're not going to get here on time?

Yeah, I was riding around.

I didn't know if you could park back here or not.

so I'm trying to find a place to park.

Dude, take off your fucking mask.

Yeah, and the microphone too.

Yeah, and you know how the microphone is a thing that we are able to hear you through?

Yeah.

No, I'm fucking trying to find a place to park.

I was driving around and shit.

I didn't know if you could park back here.

Dude, this guy shows up

with another NASA piece of clothing

for the fourth time in a row. No, I'm fucking trying to find a place to park.
I was driving around and shit. I didn't know if you could park back here.
Dude, this guy shows up with another NASA piece of clothing.

Hell yeah.

For the fourth time in a row.

We get it.

Where's your drinky?

I saw your drinky.

Yeah.

Take that away from him.

No, let him sip it slow.

This ain't him.

I'm not drunk or nothing.

Fucking Bobby.

Something else.

He's drunk.

No.

See how they are? Can I give you a water instead? Do you want to just hydrate? No, I'm not even... I just poured this the first one for the day.
I know, but can I just say this? Somebody that doesn't have a problem would just be like, okay. Yeah, yeah.
So now I feel like it's a problem. Oh, I can get water.
If you want to get water, bring water. Time out.
Let's establish some rules today. No getting annihilated.
No getting into a fight. I'm not getting a fight.
And we're not going to step on each other. Okay.
We're going to talk smoothly. Smoothly.
This will be one of the first podcasts we do where we don't overlap each other. Thank you, Carlos.
You are a good guy. I will save this for later.
Dude. Okay.
Let's get back to the don't say gay bill. Because I want, actually would love to hear Doc's interpretation of this.
Doc, there's a bill in Florida that passed called the don't say gay bill. And it's not the bill, that's what it's been named.
But it's basically removing, here, I want to read it off this, Carlos, because I have it pretty etched out. Here you go you go so don't say gay bill it's making it so discussions about sexual orientation in schools is eliminated and encouraging parents to school school districts that openly speak about these topics so it's removing discussions about sexual orientation in schools meaning you know about gay transgender blah blah blah So what they're trying to do with the critical race theory? Trying to remove it.
To remove it, yeah. What do you think, Doc? I mean, is it all sexual or is it just gay? I think what they're specifically going for is alternative sexual lifestyle.
Heterosexual, you can say whatever you want. Yeah, fuck, turn the ass, you know what I mean? Something like that.
Well, I don't think that's in the book. Was that in some of your books? Welcome to Spanish 101.
First phrase is, we're going to learn is fucker in the ass. How do you say that in Spanish, Carlos? I don't know.
What a fake Mexican. He's the worst Mexican.
You're the fakest Mexican we have. By the way, if we ever get in trouble for like being racist towards Mexicans and we think, oh, well, we've got one.
We should be good. You'll fail us publicly.
But my dad came here from Mexico and he didn't want me to learn Spanish. He wanted me to be super American.
Why? Because he's racist towards his own race. Yeah, kind of.
He didn't like Mexico when he first got here. He was like, I never want to go back.
Wow. Well, if you want to know, it's Cojela en las nalgas.
You know what I'm saying?

En las nalgas.

That's what I'm telling.

Talk, I thought we were drinking the water.

Cojela.

Cojela.

Cojela.

Cojela.

Cojela.

En las nalgas.

En las nalgas.

Si.

Cojela.

There's no way that's right.

Yeah.

Just Google fuck me in the ass in Spanish.

Now fuck me in the ass. Why do we even need to do that?

Can we just move on from it?

I do want to see if he was right. Yeah, yeah, uh what fuck me in the ass a google translate just never does it right yeah yeah because that says fluke me and culo culo is ass i know that okay say to fuck is coher c-o-g-e-r in korean it's uh i would have to say j chuk chuk gondengi.
Chuk chuk gondengi. That sounds awesome.
Chuk chuk gondengi. Chuk chuk.
Oh, chuk chuk gondengi. Chuk chuk gondengi.
And then my, or my mother would have been like, no, buka. Buka, you want to go back? Door Dash.
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Promo code BADFRIENDS. Can I tell you something about your wardrobe today? Beyond the NASA stuff and the obvious repping, once again, Detroit, which, respect.
Yeah. Those front zipper pockets are fire front zipper pockets are fire.
Nothing's ever fallen out of those fucking things. Can I also say something too is for the first time from your waist down, I would probably wear that.
Okay. I've never seen anything that you've ever worn and said, I want to get that.
Where'd you get that doc? And I'd be like, I don't ever want to go there. But my point is that from your waist, what kind of jeans are those? Guess.
Guess. What? Guess.
Guess. Ooh, la, la.
Can't see. And the shoes are what? Nike, come on.
Ooh, la, la. Brand new too, huh? Hey, what's the symbol on the front of them? I can't even, I think it says New York.
There it is. Are those Nick shoes?? Yeah.
No, not Knicks shoes. They're New York City.

Nikes.

No, they're Knicks shoes.

They're Knicks colors, right?

Representing the Bronx.

Hell yeah.

Puerto Rico.

Dominican.

Hey.

Ben Baca.

Listen to this.

Wait, Doc.

The water.

The water.

The water, man.

A little bit of water.

A little more water.

Every time you go on one of those things, we're going to make you have a sip of water.

Drink a little water and a little wine.

He doesn't want to be restricted.

I understand. I'm not even fucking drunk, though.
That's what they say. Our problem is in 45 minutes.
We're foreseeing into the future. What do you think of Robert Pattinson as Batman? Who was Robert Pattinson, first of all? Okay, let's move on.
That's perfect. Let's just move on.
He was the guy from Twilight. Yeah, you need to move on.
I watched Inventing Anna. I'll tell you that.
What's that? It's on Netflix about that Russian girl who fucking scammed all these people out of all this money. And it's the girl from Ozark.
And she talks like this. She's like, you don't have my money.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Kaleida tried to get me to watch it.
Nah. I didn't want to watch it.
Big pass. It's really tough.
Her voice is the hardest thing because she's doing an accurate impression of this girl, but it's really tough to get through. Yeah? Yeah.
It's tough. I like her in Ozarks.
Huh? I like her in Ozarks. She's good in that.
She does like the little Southern drawl. But in this, she does an accurate, well, I guess as accurate as you could be of this girl.
And she was born in Eastern Europe, Russia maybe, and then she moved to Germany. So she's got this word like half German accent that's Eastern Europe.
It's the weirdest fucking thing. Go ahead.
Say it again. What you wearing, you look poor.
You look poor. Do it.
What you wearing, you look poor. Do it again? More vocal? This is it.
What you wearing, you look poor. See, that's it.
What you wearing wearing you look poor see that's it what you're wearing you look poor you know how often Bobby can say that to people what you're wearing you look poor what you're wearing you look poor don't like it keep going dog dog I have this new tequila I want you to try. Now you're slipping away into another accent.

You're rushing too.

Go ahead, Doc.

I'm rushing too.

All right.

Let's do it again.

Man, this guy's good at improv.

Never misses a beat.

It's amazing.

Never misses a beat.

I imagine that was a live show.

Yeah.

Improv Olympic.

Yes, I am.

Yeah, yeah.

What them rules? Give me the rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me the rules. Tino.
Doc, what you're wearing? You look full. I would like.
Nice French. No, he's not.
Well, what is this? He's doing a... I'm trying to fucking...
They don't use the load. It's Doc.
Doc, Doc. What you're wearing, you look tall.
You look tall. I look fantastic.
Fuck you. Really good.
Very good. You're hired.
I mean, if I'm casting for this show, I'm like, we've got the boyfriend. Yeah.
If I'm casting for like an industrial film for Southwest Airlines, you fucking got it. I just had to go do, I had to go to ADR because I did a, you know, I did a couple of that movie house party they're bringing back hidden plays which by the way 25 years ago i think today was the or yesterday was the original release house party but they're remaking it and i did it and i had to go to adr and i was like the line was really tame and they were like oh we want to replace the word vagina with something you know a little bit less than i was like for the movie it's like a fucking it'll be an online film yeah and they were like no no it's it's it's because it's going to be for airplanes and shit too and i was like oh fuck i don't like when anything it's going to be on an airplane because then i can if i see someone watching a thing that i'm on yeah it gives me the biggest panic attack really oh my fucking god on fucking God.
On an airplane, it's happened a few times where I'm like... You know what I did? What? I was on one episode of Sean Saves the World.
Sean Hayes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they played it in the airplane. On the airplane? Yeah, and I just kind of walked up another time.
Hello. Hello.
Well, not like blatantly, but I was just kind of like... at the screen just locking eyes with people and stuff like that was really weird.
That's why Bobby didn't want to fly and do shows during the pandemic because he didn't want to wear a mask. He wanted people to see it was him on the plane.
That's why. You like the attention.
You're an attention whore. I don't like recognition.
You're a fucking whore for attention. But you know what? I have to advise with my mom though.
If I'm with my mom,

I want to get recognized because I want to show her

that like she was wrong.

She was,

what do you mean?

She was right.

I know.

No,

because when I started comedy,

she goes,

my mom and dad were like,

don't call us.

Yeah.

Again,

pretty much.

And I would beg for money

and this,

and that was a struggle.

And they would say,

you're not money.

You're never gonna work.

Not good.

Right?

And I just kept going and going.

And then it's like now,

you know, I just kind of like.

She might be right.

The old bookie lady might be right.

Yeah.

Did you get her some book, by the way?

Did you end up booking with her?

No.

What did you take her to eat?

Did you go fancy? Morton's. You love Morton's.
I went to Morton to more no we tried to go to my stores we showed all these other places but uh we went to more it was a fun night we saw batman too with her that is cute you did all that as a fam yeah i love my mom you know and and can i say this i sleep better your brother said this to me last at my parents house yeah my mom's house than anywhere else on planet Earth. He told me you actually got rest, and he was kind of awake, but he was like, Bob actually slept for like three, four hours.
No, I was asleep for like nine hours. Oh, you did? Oh, yeah.
Like solid sleep? And also, I never, I haven't dreamt in a year. You had dreams? I had dreams.
What were they? I couldn't remember. I don't remember, but I just remember waking up, going, oh, I had a dream, like being aware that I had one.
Yeah. So it was, I don't know what it is.
It's hot. The bed sucks.
Oh, it's shitty. It's a shit environment.
Well, you should see, dude, this is what's in my room, dude. Do you have dreams, doc? Do you remember your dreams? Yeah, I always have dreams.
It's kind of weird. He ain't had a dream for a year straight, almost a year.
I don't really dream that much. Really? Yeah, my brain's occupied.
Fuck. Yeah, you get to dream because, you know.
So this is in. I ain't got shit to do.
You ain't got shit going on. The room that I stay in is this.
Stop dying. This was in it.
What is that? A fucking, that's a mannequin? That's the creepiest thing I've ever seen. Right.
Oh, that's fucking weird. Yeah, so that's in the room.
So I go, my mom has this in there. So I turned off the lights to go to bed.
Fuck it!

And I just fucking threw it.

Is it a graduation thing?

She never graduated from anywhere.

And she's got a cap and gown.

And then she has fucking mystique hair.

I don't know what the fuck that is.

That wig.

But she has this all over the house.

Mannequins.

That's like my school colors too.

It's maroon and gold.

Maybe did your mom go to ASU

and you just don't know it?

No, no, no.

She wants to go

and that's why I think she has that.

There's also like Nefertiti is down there.

I'm sorry. house let me see that mannequins that's like my school colors too it's maroon and gold maybe did your mom go to asu and you just don't know no no she wants to go and that's why i think she has that there's also like nefertiti is down there is she a big fan oh my god it's just egyptian

stuff all over the house oh my god up there everywhere why do you think your mom's obsessed

with that did she build the pyramids did the koreans build the pyramids that's what i'm saying

oh my god that's exactly what i'm saying oh my god and i think the koreans have something to do

with aliens google that to see if koreans might be aliens or have anything to do with the pyramids, because I got to tell you something. The more I think about it.
Do y'all even have pyramids in Korea? Of course they have pyramids in Korea. Yeah, yeah.
They found Cleopatra's cousin, Domino. Domino.
Domino. Domino.
In Puyong. In Puyong? Yeah.
Puyong, Korea? Yeah, and they're just a gigantic, it's twice the size of the temple, I mean, the pyramids in Egypt. Yeah.
And there's a mechanical door, yeah, like a futuristic mechanical door that you press a button. It's like a little button, and there's a mechanic that opens it, but they think it's it's alien origin well look at this what's funny i'm just it's just so magical i don't even the world is magical but open your eyes dude you're so buzzed off of the wine hey guantetto the great was a monarch and uh they believe the aliens like spoke through him And Guantetto was? Korean.
Korean. Yeah.
No. Yes, dude.

Guantetto was a Korean.

Zoom in.

Zoom in on the about, please, on the right-hand side. No, go back and just zoom in on the about.
Guantetto the Great was the 19th monarch of Goryeo. His full posthumous name means entombed in Goksanyang, broad expander of domain, peacemaker, supreme king.
Stop, stop, stop. The aliens spoke through Gwanghedo.
When you say Korean words and cities and stuff, you don't have to do the accent. What are you talking about? You speak the rest.
Read it again and read it normally, please. Okay.
Because this is the way you write, you know. Gwanghedo is the great, was the 19th monarch of Gwanghedo.
I'll do it again. All right.
Gwanghedo, the great, was the 19th monarch of Goghoyguye his full posthumous name means entombed in gukgang sang broad expander of domain peacemaker supreme king sometimes abbreviated to his era name is young and he's occasionally recorded as young yeah so this so this dude the alien spoke through People believe that We believe it We believe it The alien spoke through Why does that name sound not Korean Say it with a Korean accent Gwanda Gero Gwanda Gero Gwanda Gero Gwanda Gero Spanish Is that Gwanagero guanagero guanagero guanagero guanagero guanagero guanagero guanagero spanish yeah spanish is that guanagero right there that's him in a movie it was a tv series actually in 2011 so that so alien spoke through this dude and he communicated to the people of the time the future yeah he was some sort of peacemaker love that that's amazing it's sort of how the Japanese thought that Emperor Hirohito was a sun god. They thought he was...
A literal sun god. And they're like, we'll die for our god.
What's the chances that he wasn't? One in a zillion. What if he was? He could have been.
Because how do you know? Dude, what if you're a god? What if you're a god? And you know what I'm reinforcing right now?

What do you mean?

Oh, this is god syndrome.

I mean, you already have god syndrome anyway.

You have god syndrome.

No, no, no, I don't.

Yeah, you do.

I don't.

No, I don't.

He doesn't.

You have a god complex.

Okay, who yields his power more?

You're always saying, white power.

You be throwing that shit out.

First of all.

Are you always doing this?

First of all. Are you always doing this? What the fuck does this mean? First of all i say hello don't go okie dokie like that okay that is only at the meetings i've never brought that to this that's for me and my buds yeah pete wink wink yeah and i gotta tell you something your god complex is way worse than mine you bullied carlos into not having coffee the first six seconds you were in this room carlos how long have I known you uh same amount of time as i've known you know who's known you longer me or andrew i have known bobby a little longer because of certain reasons doesn't matter yeah yeah doesn't matter so our history is deeper no it's not it is years deeper and we have also during those years that you met him you didn't do anything for him you probably bullied him then too all right So can I just say how we know or no? Yeah, you can say it.
Okay. So at one point, you know what I mean? You're abusing substances together.
Yeah, at one point, Pop-Pop here, was sober. I know.
And that's how we knew each other. Okay.
But that's a deeper connection. If you knew anything about- Did call him check in on him no uh carlos don't fucking look at his face no i'm not i'm like really trying to remember and i don't know yeah yeah you'd know because it would happen more frequently that hurts i took the bus to cedars to meet bobby though yeah that's you doing another thing for him yeah because my car broke down right yeah i guess looking back you were on the way too yeah yeah there we go.
That's you doing another thing for him. Yeah, because my car broke down, right? Yeah, I guess looking back, you were on the way, too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There we go.
Together. God complex.
That's not God complex. You're a boss.
You boss everybody around. God complex is an unshakable belief characterized by consistently inflating feelings of personal ability, privilege, or infallibility.
That's you. But do you think my tone is very peasant-like? I mean, well, that's the juxtaposition.
What do you mean? Because you sucker people, you're a sociopath. You sucker people into thinking that you're a peasant when really you've got this cape.
All right. I have two things going on.
Please. All right.
I ride between peasant, like I'm nothing. I got nothing.
You know what I mean? Right. Also, there's a lot of shame and guilt involved.
That's because you have imposter syndrome. That's why.
And then there's the other extreme where I, not extreme, what I mean right you know also there's a lot of shame and guilt involved that's because you have imposter syndrome that's why and then there's the other extreme where I not extreme but I have this thing like the rules don't apply to me correct right but I don't think the rules you think apply to you as well that's not true I obey all the rules I think you can say things like when you get a parking ticket do you pay it right away 100% but I rarely get one because I obey the rules when was the last time I had a parking ticket I can't even tell you okay when you get you've never fed a meter in la never never this dude well how the fuck do you know i have tickets just sitting on your windshield for like three months that's a fucking fact used to park in the parking lot your your prius at one point had a ticket that was so old on it it sunburnted into the glass that's real talk that is a real statement there was a sunburned parking ticket into your glass. I see what this is.
All right. No, it's not a thing.
This is what it is, you fucking dipshits. Whoa.
This is what the fuck it is, all right? Whoa. It's coming out.
Whoa, what do you mean, whoa? It's coming out. You're fucking angry at me, dude.
Oh, my God. You've got me up against a wall, dude.
I'm putting it out. You put me and Putin in a fucking corner, dude.
Are you Ukraine? We're going to attack Ukraine, dude. Oh, man, will you Ukraine now? Yeah, so check it out, dude.
Don't bomb me, dog. Here's the real honest truth, right? The reason why I have parking tickets on my fucking windshield.
Because you don't fucking. No, I don't know what to do with them.
Are you fucking. Take them off and pay them.
Yeah, I don't know how to do that. On the internet.
Yeah, but I don't know how. There's a website at the bottom.
Two weeks ago, I just learned how to tell time on the sticks you mean the clock yeah the clock so Mark Barron taught me how to do it on Tiger Ballet 50 years old yeah because I refused to learn oh that's what the God because I just out of stubbornness like I've had girlfriends go it's easy let me teach you I don't ever want to know I'm digital for life Have you paid off Parking tickets now? Are they all gone? But then what I had to do Is get some dude to do it To pay off your parking tickets Yeah I don't pay anything Like my dude Clinton I don't want to say his last name My dude Clinton I've been with him for 15-20 years Yeah And he all checks Right And everything goes to him The reason why is if it goes to me it'd be all gone or you wouldn't know what to do with it yeah i know your business manager clinton yeah yeah let me tell you something about this guy what it might take him two or three full weeks to cash a check i sent the guy a check yeah he cashed it like a month later i know because how old is that dude he's like 90 years old yeah okay because i called one time i was like what's your business address he's like four hold on and he like walked outside yeah and read it off the wall yeah he's a black guy i trust black fuck does that have to do with that old black i like I like him. Give him back.
What? Give him back.

That's what I'm talking about.

I like to give back.

We go together, right?

He's your business manager?

Blacks and Asians go together, right?

That's what I'm talking about.

No, don't do that.

We did it together, did we not?

You shot at each other.

I know, but we were still eluding.

Each other?

Yeah, we were eluding each other, dude.

Stay away from my store.

You drink, you buy.

All right, so stop.

No, no, no, let that go.

That's the kind of stuff I love to hear.

Yeah.

You drink, you buy.

You drink, you buy.

And the phrase is what you're saying is it's you touch you buy you break that you drink you break you because if i've never seen blind people go into a liquor store a korean liquor store and just start drinking you ain't met my father what you ain't met my father my real father what's the fuck he used to I used to get mad at him. So you used to go to liquor stores and just drink in the store? Grocery stores, he used to just grab the apple juice, drink it, put it back on the shelf.
And I said, what the fuck? I said, man, dog, dude, never got caught. And then when I asked him, I said, Pops, man, why would you do that shit? He said, fuck him, I'm thirsty.
I said, you still got to pay for this shit. He's like, man, fuck it, I ain't paying for this shit.

And then they never, never.

Did you ever like just,

if he was going down one aisle,

you just went to another aisle

because you didn't want to be caught?

I used to just like, I used to just like fake.

Yeah, just like that.

I used to fake like I got something to do.

Like, Pops, I'm going to go over here

and look at something.

And he'd be like, all right.

And then he'd come over there

drinking that goddamn juice too.

And then he'd put it back.

I'd say, man, fuck, don't bring the evidence over.

He was just fucking just. He goes to the magazine section, you know, the colognes and stuff that's in the magazine just i used to do that though yeah yeah that's real talk butcher box can i say something right now last night i made spaghetti i love but i wanted some ground beef oh yeah but i'm cool because i have butcher box it's in the downstairs downstairs i have a specific freezer for this meat.
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I like it. That'll do, pig.
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Andrew, relationships take work, buddy. Tell me about it.
A lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about. We'll go out of our way to treat other people well, but often, do we give ourselves the same treatment? Doc, I don't think you do.
No. This month, BetterHelp Online Therapy wants to remind you to take care of your most important relationship the one that you have with yourself doc that's huge yeah you know whether it's hitting the gym make time for your haircut try and therapy you're your greatest asset let me say this both bob and i are big advocates for uh for therapy any sort of mental health help that you can get if this is for you that's great too um we recommend it because uh it's online therapy that offers video and phone even live chat sessions but you don't have to be on video if you don't want if it makes you uncomfortable it's more affordable than in-person therapy you're going to be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours give it a try see why 2 million people have tried better help online therapy this podcast is sponsored by better help and bad friend listeners get 10 off their first month at betterhelp.com slash bad friends b-e-t-t-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash bad friends.

No, it's not a .com.

That's how you talk to people, though.

You have no, like...

What are you talking about?

You don't see how I talk to people.

You don't exist in my world.

Stuff like that hurts.

You just say things to hurt people.

You don't exist.

Hurts again.

Ow.

Owie, owie.

You don't see how I talk to people.

I'm extremely polite and sweet to people.

Yeah, it's a...

He can vouch for that.

It's a mask. Okay.
There's two sides to him, people. Yeah, it's a- He can vouch for that.
It's a mask.

Okay.

There's two sides to him, right?

Yeah, what's underneath?

Hello, how are you?

What a great restaurant.

This is a delight.

Oh, whatever.

That's you.

Is that what I sound like at a restaurant?

To me, you do.

That's what all white people sound like.

But when you know you and you're just having a conversation, there's a lot of like, just

listen to me, man. I know what this is.
This is what it is i can't believe yeah excessive pampering or criticism from parents or a genetic predisposition fuck if that isn't bobby lee that's fuck if that isn't you know look at carlos if that isn't you biological dad never have i i've never been pampered ever it was the opposite criticism from parents or a genetic predisposition that's you in spades that's like you to the fucking criticism from parents or a genetic predisposition just read disposition genetic predisposition right so i don't think i have a genetic predisposition yeah you do but i was born that way oh a hundred percent yep gods are born see are born kid thinks he's a god no i don't i maybe well is the guy complex part of uh napoleon complex too being little you might have a little you know that was also that was also that's also fake napoleon was average height for his side for his time period yeah that should make me yeah and it's not the same talk sorry it's not the same it is it's it's it's relative to each other i think He's just saying you've got a complex Napoleon complex is Because he's small He wasn't small He was average size I'm just saying What the actual meaning means He was 5'6 That's like your height No 5'4 They should call it Bobby complex 5'5 Napoleon was taller than you at that photo photo. You were taller than you do though, man.
Yeah, he was. Yeah.
That's good. How tall does this AIM? 6'1".
Papa. Yeah.
That's a fact right there. American.
You better believe it, boy. Who the fuck put those together? I think white people in general have a god complex yeah i think deep down inside and

will you agree with me a lot of white people i'm not saying all but a lot of people deep down inside think that they're better yeah do you think that think they know that they're better that's right right so what do you feel that well you know what i think too though i'd love to hear your insights that sounded a little

no go ahead I'm really serious

what I'm saying is I think like

if you're the dominant species within your or dominant race within that particular country, that particular race is going to have a god complex. Like over in Africa, Africans have a god complex.
Russians have a god complex. In Korea.
Yeah, like if he go to Mexico, they don't give a fuck about this guy. You know what I mean? It's like- They do think I'm Canelo when I get up.
They love- Mexicans love the show Mixology. They just do.
They're a big fan. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but I'm just saying like after a while they're going to tell him, you better learn Spanish. He can't just go over there just talking English and tell everybody, you got to learn English.
Now you sound like a white Republican here in America. Come over here.
You better learn English, boy. But that would be anywhere.
I thought you died, Herman Cain. What the fuck? That was good.
That was good. I'm alive and well.
It's funny when Herman died, he was still tweeting afterwards. Do you remember that? Yeah, when he was dead, there was tweets coming out.

Posthumous tweets from Herman Cain.

What did he die of?

It was COVID, right? COVID, yeah.

Isn't that fucking crazy?

What?

Dude, he went to that Tulsa Trump rally, and this is in the height of COVID.

I know, but just-

Not a single person with a mask in that thing.

But just in case you thought Biden's candidacy was going to be anything other than completely

nuts, Team Trump has released a new video, and David Allen Greer goes, aren't you dead? That's classic. By the way, how boss is that? Herman King can tweet from the grave.
The King Gang. That's a great name, the King Gang.
So I believe that you're right. Maybe you're right.
But some societies like Koreans, they might have a god complex, but they don't have a history of oppression, oppressing another group of people. Each other, right? Are you fucking out of your mind? Yeah, what the fuck? You don't think Asians had fucking, they didn't oppress? Koreans didn't have slaves.
We didn't fly. Did Koreans have slaves? Yeah, Google that google that yeah cause I think that's fucking wrong

somebody built them pyramids

it wasn't just somebody

like you know

we gonna go

Korea had the longest

unbroken chain

we were kidding about the Koreans

Korea had the longest

unbroken chain of slavery

of any society

in history

spanning 1500 years

fuck off

that's not what it says

zoom it in

my eyes are blurry

zoom it in

Carlos

I wanna read it

read it out loud

you piece of shit

get close

alright

Korea Thank you. That's not what it says Zoom it in My eyes are blurry Zoom it in Carlos I want to read it Read it out loud You piece of shit Get close Alright Korea Had the longest Unbroken chain Of slavery Of any society In history In history Fuck Holy shit You guys are Fucking Scumbags We're scumbags we're fuckos dude that's insane super insane but who who did we enslave find out yeah who did we enslave well a caste system first of all you fucking enslaved your own fucking people then nobody that doesn't count yes it does that's how does that count that's even more repulsive own brother.
If I have kids and I have a sweatshop,

you know, turn the machines on.

Let's make some Nikes.

I mean, come on.

It's fucking gross.

It is.

It's nice.

It's weird and disgusting.

But I think that's the way we approach it.

Yeah, you have to.

We try to make some fun of this bullshit.

I love you, Doc.

Honestly, your perspective on comedy

and trying fucked up jokes

is probably the reason why I think we get along so well. Because you sling it.
You might as well throw it. You know, honestly dude and this is my honest truth.
Here's what I've always loved about you is I always thought you were funny. I've always encouraged you, right? That's true.
Is that true or not? 100%. 100%.
I think you're hilarious and I always thought you were funny i've always encouraged you right that's true is that true or not 100 100 yeah i always i think you're hilarious and i always thought you were magical but here's the thing you could take it there you know man there's this weird thing about comedy where people think you're not supposed to be vulnerable in comedy but then they watch the golden girls and then they watch martin they see cole or rose and they they laugh hysterically it's like, yeah, I'm like the Rose and Cole sometimes. I can take it.
I get you throw it out. I'm sitting back.
And then I could be the guy to give it. It's just like one of those things.
I don't trip on it. You know what I'm saying? I love that statement.
That's good. That's pretty powerful.
Very powerful. But it is true.
Also, we get so sometimes on this show, like we're fucking around so much. We're joking around.
But then when we do get serious is there are moments when we have to let it sit and be real and then joke about it afterwards but but comics are always expected to like you know constantly pump out comedy and jokes and jokes and jokes but we have our vulnerable moments bobby showed a lot of vulnerability when you were when you went away your phone calls were super vulnerable to me yeah it was heavy really heavy but I mean i'm glad i'm glad we have to have that thing too that has to exist because it's got to be real love beyond all the comedy well when you when you look back at mike you know i'm saying yeah doc because when i was growing up in comedy in the 90s just the people above above me. 80s.
80s? Oh, the 80s. The people above me were so mean.
It was the same for me when I started. I know, but I think we're nicer to the young people.
Oh, my God. I love- Ten times nicer.
But I love- I think the difference is, and I'll be honest. Yeah.
The younger people now in comedy, I think are funnier at a younger age than we were my god there's some young kids like Trevor Wallace I had no idea who he was and I followed him at the improv and I looked down and I was like this white guy I got this this white guy I got this in my head in my head and I said it out loud all right and i struggled you did yeah because i didn't take it seriously and i walked up and he crushed you could hear it yeah and then when i was on stage it was just like oh yeah this guy's good you know who kills you know who i really like because we've taught you've talked about trevor on the show before but i uh but i want to give uh i like matt lockwood do you know who that is oh man love him yeah he crushes yeah he's funny i think he's so fucking funny but he's part i don't know age-wise how old he is but he's part of i mean the younger group of guys even before trevor you think i don't know how old they are i don't know how old any of these fucking guys are but i mean when i first saw taylor tomlinson i'm like oh yeah her special just permit just came out yeah i mean just I mean, just amazing. Trevor's 29.
He's a young guy. Amazing.
Let me ask you all this. Yeah.
Now, you was talking about how hard people were on you in the 90s or the 50s or whatever time you grew up. So now, think about this.
Well, do you think you would have been able to handle- Slow it down. I'm trying, bro.
It's not a job interview. Slow it down.
But do you think you would have been able to handle living in New York and being a comedy? Because you know how they were. Or are.
I think it would have been the same for Bobby. You think so? Yeah, only because I think New York gets this credit, like they're more gritty than us for some reason in the world of comedy.
Comedy was just as competitive. It's just, I think New York peers were a little bit more harsh to each other, more like maybe they pushed each other more.

That is a joke-centric city of hardcore joke writers,

but it doesn't mean the competition wasn't as tough out here.

I think out here it was more like a lot of personality-based comedy

came out of L.A., more so than thoroughbred joke writers.

I'll give them that.

But also we've caught up to them at this point. There's plenty of fucking phenomenal joke writers that are coming out of LA and other places, not New York.
They just kind of claim that fame. But for Bobby, the competition was insanely thick and also littered with everyone that wasn't him.
You know what I mean? It was like- Yeah, because back when I did it, there was like three Asian dudes I was aware of. If that.
If that, right? There was Dat Fan and Steve Byrne. he was he burn yeah oh yeah yeah and then Ken started doing it but later later yeah a couple years later so there was no but my mom always says you know if I did not come to America that's no that's a pretty good impression yeah you you would have you know you would have carried rice in korea also as a job buka and buka so um but i my argument is mom there's comedy there too i mean i think i would have no matter what society i lived in unless it was like i was in like an up like a cambodian person that was living in the Pol Pot regime or something,

Khmer Rouge.

Tough.

There's no opportunity there.

Sure.

But any place that there was opportunity,

I think I would have been able to survive and done it.

Yeah, but you wouldn't be doing stand-up.

Yeah, but I would have been doing some form of comedy.

And my friend Danny Cho, you know Danny?

I don't.

I don't think so.

So Danny Cho was,

I used to do this sketch on Mad TV called

Johnny Gone and Pongo. Oh, I know this guy.
Put Johnny Gone and Pongo. Oh, yeah.
Johnny Gone and Pongo. Gone? Johnny Gone, G-A-N and Pongo.
Just put it in something. Let's see what happens.
There we go. So go to the duo with the second one.
So I used to do a sketch called Johnny Gott.

You know what I mean?

And he's basically, I have my own talk show in this island off of Thailand.

You know what I mean?

And it's a makeshift, you know what I mean, talk show.

And I just, he didn't say much.

I used to slap him in the face.

And then if you lift open a shirt, there's a underdeveloped, he has a twin.

Oh, right.

On his body.

So he would talk

so there's a Korean guy

coming out of his belly

and he would talk

so after

you know

Mad TV was over

he was doing stand up

and he goes

he says to me one day

he goes

there's no stand up in Korea

and I go

okay

and he goes

this is the most racist sketch.

I did 20 of these.

But it's about Koreans, no?

No, they're Thai.

And it's so stereotypical.

It's so fucking backwards.

King Lao, Johnny Gan.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, Bob.

First movie we've seen is Little Me, Sunshines. Wow.
Wow. Bob.
Bob. the people in it is these George Clooney's the Coda fan Bob

Helen Hunt

Dick Cheney's

so anyway

so that dude

started this stand up scene

in Korea

and it's doing well

yeah

you keep in contact with him

yeah

and I also have to say

that maybe I have a little

something to do with that

how

well give this guy

a kid a shot

but you didn't put any effort

into him opening shit up

in Korea

Here we go. Yeah, and I also have to say that maybe I have a little something to do with it.
How? Well, I gave this guy's kid a shot. But you didn't put any effort into him opening shit up in Korea.
I went. Do it.
Yeah. I gave him away.
But you know what, dude? My encouragement means something. No? I don't know.
Okay. I'll tell you what is weird.
And I talked about this on my show on on whiskey jitter there is this weird looming thing about scientology that like nobody talks about in la but it's fucking everywhere it's everywhere scientology oh my god what they're they're like the third largest property owner in los angeles yeah yeah they own everything that means there's thousands them, but no one talks about who is it.

Yeah.

I mean, I dated one.

You know that, right?

I know.

We talked.

Yeah.

But I'm just saying like, it's not a conversation piece.

And yet they're fucking everywhere.

How come nobody wants to talk about it?

Well, it was in the movie, the Scientology movie.

We come and become clear, going clear, going clear.

What do you mean?

About all the real estate that they own.

And no, no, no. But I'm saying you have to be friends with a lot of people that are scientologists and just not know it yeah i mean you have to be yeah yeah just by by by proxy we're here that's what weirds me out is i'm like how come no one tells me about it or they don't even bring it up yeah they don't recruit you no you know what's funny my first fucking audition in la was for a movie for they have their own video production company? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got an audition off of like Craigslist or some bullshit and it was like looking for young, you know, eager 20-something-year-old men to be in a whatever, blah, blah, blah, video production. So I went to the Church of Scientology on Franklin.
You know the Franklin one? Yeah. And I knew nothing about it.
it i just moved here i i didn't even i've

never even heard of it before and i went into this little celebrity center celebrity center i went in this little audition room and they made me fill out all this paperwork dude it was endless and in my mind i was like fuck auditions are you gotta sign away your soul for these things and at the end of it i realized oh this is a church huh it's a church thing Yeah.

Like, I finally caught fire.

There's a gigantic marble head like i finally caught fire there's a gigantic

marble head statue of fucking l ron harvard i didn't know who that was i was 21 years old who'd you think that was i thought it was i thought it was ron harvard i thought it was ron howard not l ron harvard i thought it was ron howard i misheard it plus there's like my hero There's all this naval drapery and then they have the can-can machines.

I was poor. I needed money.
They were going to give me money. Don't get me angry.
I'm just asking a question. No, but I'm telling you my answer.
I was a dumb, poor 21-year-old who was like, I can't eat this month. I'll take anything.
Did you get the part? No, as soon as I found out it was a church, I immediately jetted because I was like, I don't want to do some religious bullshit that know nothing about yeah that would have been dangerous it was bad right yeah but i but i seriously i went in a room i filled out all this stuff it was like do you have a history of you know it started off small it's like did you ever have a history of health conditions uh mental illness in your family cancer and i was like why didn't you know all this medical shit yeah and i filled out fucking all of it so somewhere in the books they've got a half a santino audition yeah but there was a time in hollywood and i wish you can even say the word like we mad tv did a sketch you remember that movie my big fat greek wedding i love we did a sketch called my big fat scientology wedding we built the set we casted it the lawyers came in they shut it down because somebody up top in fuck Somebody up top at. But that's how much power they had.
So at the time, like even talking about this right now makes me scared. No.
What the fuck? I know. But at that time, though.
I'm not saying anything bad. I know.
But at that time, you have to understand the kind of power they had in Hollywood. Because remember they sued the IRS.
Like thousands of people sued the IRS, the Scientologists. And then they gave them religious immunity.

What is it?

Tax, the IRS tax.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, some of the biggest stars are Scientologists, right?

Name me some.

Will Smith.

Will Smith.

Tom Cruise.

I don't know.

Will Smith?

Yeah, Will Smith, Kirstie Alley, Tom Cruise.

What does that say?

John Travolta.

Nancy Cartwright, who voices Bart.

Travolta.

Travolta was. Yeah.
He's not on there anymore there anymore though. Giovanni Ribisi.
Is he? Yeah. Wow.
Because the girl that I dated. I do want to see Zinu.
I'm not going to lie. I do want to see him too.
Well, that's why they get you. They get you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get a little bit of money in your pocket.
They're like, dude, 100 grand. You can meet Zinu.
You're like, what does he like? Dude, it's funny because that's like you have to pay hundreds of thousands of classes to get to even that level.

And years and years.

And then imagine you work all this time, 20 years.

You finally get to the ninth level, whatever it is. They give you a briefcase.

And then there's like writings of handwritten letters and stuff by L. Ron Hubbard.

But then they tell you about Zeno then. I can only imagine what you would have done.
You would have snapped. They hand me the briefcase, and they walk out of the room, and then they come back.
I'm just jerking off in the briefcase. I'm like, this is all I've ever wanted.
Dude, I buy into none of this stuff. I think it's all gobbledygook.
But I do want say um as their defense no i don't care i want to defend them i have nothing against the people i don't give a shit i don't buy it you know how like sometimes when you you talk to people like comics especially and they never really tell you how they feel or what's going on, or even like fake shit,

like,

you know,

great set when they haven't even seen your set or whatever.

I hate that. Yeah,

I hate that.

But Scientologists are very like clear.

And so when I did date one,

I knew exactly what was going on,

how she felt.

You know what I mean?

She was just honest.

Maybe that was a character trait and not Scientology.

No,

it was that because her mom was like that.

Her people around her were like that.

They're just very clear.

Did she ever try to recruit you to the church?

Yeah.

Did you ever think about it?

I went there and I did the machine.

If the pussy was good enough, you'd be a Scientologist today.

That's the truth.

If the trap was good, you'd be there.

Pussy has made some guys do fucking all sorts of tricks.

Yeah, if she was like a 10, right? I think I would be like, I'd then have scales on my face. I'd Z new scales, right? I'd have the implants.
I think I would look like him. I'd wear the blue suit.
I would scrub. You'd go to, what is it called? What's the one in Florida? The one in Tampa.
What is it called? They're a... Yeah.
Sea Org. Sea Org, yeah.
I'll probably have a different language like say hi to me Bobby what the fuck what is that in the middle of a set on stage right you're like yeah my friend and I were traveling oh my god I'm sorry I'm sorry there they are right now lined up like captain that was I think the biggest bother to me was that they they mock the military that's like mock military they have nothing to do with the military yeah this is stolen valor isn't it how come they can't clap them for this because it's religion but it's but it's but they're mocking whoa i don't like the way you fucking said that you know it's a religion i was saying it confidently you have a stake in the claim no definitely not no this no no but i mean like but truly this is military garb in a religious form. To me, it's very odd.
There's no military ties. That guy don't look like he can protect anybody.
That's a girl, by the way. Oh, it is? You don't know that person, Jenner.
Oh, my bad. That day could be whatever that day wants.
Yeah, but they get paid like what? Like 15 cents a day. I mean, just crazy.
I don't know if they pay them. I think they donate their time when they go to that Sea Org thing.
But then if you snake your way through the thing, then you get like capital gains from other like, you know, from other members. And then you start to move up and then you start making money.
Do you know where you see them? At the Gelson's on Franklin. Really? Really? Yeah.
So it's the Sea Org people. They're at the Gelson's? So like, Gelson closes at midnight.
And they're there at 11.59. So if you're like 11.
If you're there at 11, you see them. What are they? With the suits.
They snacking on. You know what I mean? And I, yeah.
And I always go, ahoy. Or what, you know, you don't know what to say.
You don't know what to say. I go, ahoy.
You know what I mean? And I always let them like. Coming up on your starboard.
Heads up. I always let them cut in line.
Oh, because you think. No, I just feel like, yeah, go like, go ahead.
I don't want my career to be all ruined. No, you know what it is? You do that because just in case they have the key to the thing.
What thing? The life? The mystery of the universe. You think so? Like if, say, the world ends and all these Scientologists are like, you fools.
You didn't listen to us. And then they point at Bobby.
They're like, he's okay. He's with us.
Yeah. He let me pass at Gelson's.

And then maybe you get lifted up in the spaceship with them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they look at Doc and they go, Doc as well.

Yeah.

And they look at me and they're like, fuck no.

I think the reason why is because I am a huge Tom Cruise fan.

Yeah, I like him.

Who's not a Tom Cruise fan?

Let's move to something fun. Bob, Carlos wants me to go to the can real fast.
He's not a Tom Cruise fan? Let's move something fun.

Bob, Carlos wants me

to go to the can real fast.

He says he's got

some hot ones in here.

All right.

No.

Let me try one.

What if Andrew

was tragically killed

in an elephant trampling?

What if elephants

trampled me to death?

Do you know what's

so insane about this?

I was watching Naked

and Afraid the other night

and there were elephants

going by their camp

and the South African guy Thank you. what if elephants trampled me to death? Do you know what's so insane about this? I was watching Naked and Afraid the other night

and there were elephants going by their camp

and the South African guy was like,

they'll barrel right over the bush.

They'll fuck you up right over the bush.

They'll push it down.

And I thought,

how the fuck would you get away from an elephant

in the middle?

You're fucked.

Dude, if you got trampled by elephants,

please don't do that

because you know what I turned into? Moby Dick. I would hunt down every elephant.
Would you really for me? Out of rage. Are you serious? Oh, yeah.
But then would you be able to tell people about it? The one that trampled you, I'd keep him alive. I would keep him alive.
And I would have... You'd feed him? Yeah, feed him like...
Wash him? Nobu? You'd give an elephant elephant nobu I don't know if elephants love high grade who the fuck doesn't like nobu but you want to go to nobu and they would have to because of COVID maybe they have an outdoor area they gotta have outdoor yeah Bobby is that a horse he's a horse elephant yeah yeah well how does an elephant sound right he's going you know hamachi, he loves hamachi. He's like, new style sashimi! Right, so if that happened, I would hunt all of them down, kill them, and keep the one that trampled you alive.
I love you. Thank you, man.
But then you'd secretly kill that guy later in life. You'd keep him around, and then you'd slowly kill him.
Oh, I would, yeah, slowly, like, peel his skin. Dude, they they dismantle and they kill people constantly how many people get killed by elephants a year no seriously this is like a real thing how often they do they're aggressive as fuck have you ever seen an elephant in real life no holy i mean in zoo but not like how human deaths what is that 100 to 500 500 a year 500 fucking people are dying in the hands of an elephant that's insane how is that happening repeatedly like that? that's crazy dude because people that live in look elephants have been known to raid villages in South Asia so it's a lot of Asians getting killed by you fucking slow down slow down you fucking rat fucker hey hey hey this is a teachable moment I don't give a shit I'm just asking

Right so let me ask you something

To his point

You talk to any fucking kid

Hey

Sorry my tone

Come on

You talk to any fucking kid

Where do elephants live?

Do they say fucking

Hong Kong?

Yeah

Or do they say fucking Africa bro?

Africa

Exactly

I bet you more black people get trampled

Oh boy

You wanna do a race war?

Oh boy

I'll do a race war

I bet you we black people get trampled. Oh, boy.
You want to do a race war? Oh, boy. Yeah, let's go with it.
I bet you we don't. Why? Because you're...
Why? You're about to say something racist. Why? I'm about to say nothing racist.
No, just say why and we'll cut it out. Why? Because black people are like the Tarzan of...
You know what I'm saying? We communicate with them. They go with their fucking physical eliteness.
Well, facts are facts. Yeah.
Who's going to out outrun an elephant An Asian guy or a black guy Or Hussein Bolt Who's your money on it What's the figure skater's name from Korea Nathan Chen Is Nathan Chen versus Hussein Bolt Who's going to win But if it was on ice If it was on ice Elephants on ice What a play that was anyway I gotta tell you something Google this right now because I want to see to prove maybe Doc's point where are the majority of elephant deaths where do they take place where's the highest amount of elephant deaths I would say okay you're saying China Asia I'm saying Africa the majority of humans humans getting killed by elephants you're saying what Africa yeah and what are you saying doc Asia no it's actually India 300 people may be killed so it is Asia yeah Asia was right it said it said South Asia in the clip so 300 people may be killed annually it's always like an Indian dude fucking around yeah it's 100% oh really now it's an Indian dude before you didn't even know give me the fucking right next door right next door well India is in Asia yeah but I mean yeah it's in Asia yeah Bobby doesn't want like that though you don't accept Indians as Asian they're South Asians they are but also like to be fair when I was in Tokyo in Japan, I saw elephants everywhere.

In Japan?

All over the streets.

In Japan?

Roaming the streets of Tokyo.

Okay, that's crazy.

What if Bobby was at Tiananmen Square?

When?

That is a really good one.

Who wrote that?

Was that you, Pete?

You mean the guy that chewed gum and he threw it and he was in prison?

Is that T&M and Scare It War?

Yeah.

Is that what that is? The guy with the tank.

Dude, it's the tank.

You've never seen the image, this iconic image.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're saying you standing in front of a tank.

What would you have done if you were him?

I would not.

You know what?

That tank could have kept rolling over Bobby and not killed him at all.

It could have just kept going.

That's funny. It wouldn't even have touched him.
It could have just kept rolling. That's funny.

It wouldn't even have touched him.

It would have just gone over his head

and he's like, oh, hey!

Yeah.

You would have never, dude,

never stopped in front.

You would have never gone in front of a tank.

You don't have that kind of shit.

It depends on why he's doing it.

Those tanks were going to kill your mom.

Yeah, I would.

Those tanks are going to kill your brother.

Yeah.

Big pause.

I don't know what I had to think about it, yeah. Those tanks are going to kill George.
Say it. Nobody can hear you.
No. Okay.
Those tanks are going to kill Fancy. No.
Those tanks are going to kill Pete and Carlos together combined. It's a twofer.
Ooh, no. Those Pete's are going to kill Doc.
Yeah. Really? You stand in front of him.
Those tanks are coming to kill him. No, no, no.
No, that's a no. You're right.
Those tanks are going to kill Doc. Yeah.
Really? You'd stand in front of me. Those tanks are coming to kill me.

No, no, no. No, that's a no.
You're right. Those tanks are going to kill me.
100%. I fucking love you.
You wouldn't do it? It's only because of money. Oh, I get that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, who am I going to pod with? Yeah, that's true.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like half my income is your life.
Yeah, I get that. That makes sense.
Don't get trampled by elephants. All right, here we go.
What if Bob, me, Doc, let's do Carlos and Pete and George, had to negotiate their order line in a human centipede? Okay. I'm up front.
No, I have to be up front. No.
I have to be up front. No, you're in the back.
I'll tell you why. You're last.

He's last.

Why would I be last?

Because you don't know what we're talking about.

Well, you do have the short...

That is true.

You don't know what any of it means,

so just be last.

You know what a human centipede is?

You never saw it?

No.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Well, first of all,

you'd be at the end.

The reason...

That's us.

The reason you'd be at the end...

Oh, like the elephant walk.

No, no, no.

In the movie...

This is a real movie. These tourists get captured by some...
Sorry to explain. Imagine this is a pitch to a fucking studio.
So this is actually what... Yeah, I'm a studio executive.
Go ahead. Dude, we're so excited to read this script.
And you wouldn't let us read it. But can we just hear what it is? I would love to tell you.
Okay, love it. God, we're so excited.
We're such a big fan. Basically, these American tourists that go to...
Okay, this is great okay this is great I love this they go to Germany oh my god and we can shoot in Germany oh my god yeah so locations location location location it's everything crazy night out you know what I mean partying they run into a German surgeon or you know that type of guy I love this like Christoph Waltz exactly maybe we get. Maybe we get him, maybe we don't.
Okay, okay, that's fine. And then they get captured by him.
Ooh. Okay, tension, drama.
Tension, drama. Love this.
Anyway, they capture two girls, right? He captured two girls and an Asian guy, a Japanese guy. Great.
Another, you know, tourist. Yeah.
Because in Japan, they love to go to different countries. Do they ever, those guys? Do they not? And they're just click, click, click, click, click, click, click.
And then anyway, he's a surgeon. So these three wake up.
And so, you know, one, it's a human centipede. I'm sorry? You love animals? I love animals.
Yeah, you love David Attenborough? Oh, my God. One of my favorites.
Yeah. All of those, you know, the ones about the life, you know, and all the animals.
Life on the hills.

Exactly. I love it.
Love them. Anyway, so he makes the three a human centipede.
So how this works is, you know, I'm crazy. I ain't that.
You're not in it. It's crazy.
This is a make-believe guy. I love this movie already.
Anyway, he surgically implants their mouths to each other's butthole. so you know the guy in the front

has the easiest. I'm going to make him the Asian guy because, you know, his poos are small and tiny, you know, because he doesn't eat a lot.
But anyway, so he poos into the woman's mouth, right? And then she poos into the other woman's mouth. And they just kind of go they go, well, the two, you know what's good about this? Not a lot of dialogue for the two girls.
Right. Yeah, because you know, you cannot talk when you're surgically implanted into somebody's butthole.
Right. Yeah, so as an actress, what a wonder.
Let me stop you right there. Let me stop you.
Yes a check for 800 exactly so that's that was an actual movie is the human set so are you fucking kidding like you never you never heard of it no yeah that's the craziest okay so anyway in a human human centimeter right doc would be at the end right I will tell you why Doc on a real centipede yeah the back has to be the most important okay because your legs have to be the strongest and yours are the shortest and strongest to the ground because you've got to push all that weight up front yeah imagine like a bunch of people inside you putting coal you're the caboose you're the caboose but I want to shit in somebody's mouth too if I'm going to be getting my mouth shit in I know If we add somebody Maybe we'll find somebody else You're right You know what I know your fear And I know how bummed you'd be So can you just imagine somebody is Because you're not going to even care. How about this?

Yeah.

At night, the first guy, Bobby, he has to come all the way around.

You get to poop in his mouth.

So it's a big circle.

Okay.

Just at night.

During the day, though, you can't shit in anybody's mouth.

Right. All right.

So you and I would have to gamble to his front.

Let me tell you something.

Yeah.

If you take front, I'm somewhere way down the line. I don't want to anywhere near i promise you this it's bad i promise you this uh i will change my diet doubt it you'll do that just to spite me no i won't if i'm behind you yeah yeah i'm sure you're you're just like let's go to taco bell yeah you will let's go no i Pork belly, pork belly, pork belly.
I mean, it would just be just. I swear to God, I would go to, you know where we would go? Hope, that little vegetarian restaurant on Ventura, right? No, that's even worse.
Why? No, you need proteins for it to be more solid. You tell me.
I'd rather something thick that I can bite into. All right, right.
So how about this, right? You can't talk, right? So what I would do is I'd give you a piece of paper, right? And go, I'll go, what should I have for breakfast? I'll be very mindful about that. Coffee.
Coffee? Yeah. All right.
And I'll just drink coffee. That's what I want to get it over with.
Oh, you wouldn't get it over with? Well, coffee's going to make it go fast. So if I'm in the front, you'd be second? Oh, God.
Please. Just give me a space.
You know what? Yeah. Carlos.
He's got a low impact diet. I know he doesn't eat a lot of crazy shit.
Do you, Carlos? No. Okay, good.
You know why I also want him? Huh? His smooth head. On your asshole? On my asshole would feel so good.
That cold, smooth head. All right, so then me, and then after me is Pete.
Oh, hell no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, hell no. Yeah, bro, hell no.
Carlos got to be where Pete is. What? Look how big Pete is.
That means he's got to be shitting in my mouth. No, no, no.
Time out. No, George is still in between you guys.
Oh, George is still. So George is going to get, as usual, George is going to get the brunt of all the shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.
So George is attached to Pete. Yeah.
And then Doc is attached to George. George, yeah.
Which I feel like is a good lineup. Well, no.
Okay. Because once again, George gets the brunt of all the shit, just like this show.
Yeah. And he probably won't give Doc any shit because he just feels bad.
Yeah, but what... Because Doc will be like, oh yeah, another white man shit in my mouth.
You know what I mean? That will make him feel bad about it. Yeah, but the thing is that what you're going to be eating is going to be the closest thing to food.
Yeah, from Carlos. But what he's eating, pure shit.
I mean, there's nothing remotely food in there. No nutrients, nothing.
Oh, yeah, because it's a trickle. Oh, yeah.
Hey, man, we got to think about this whole concept, man. Well, let me say this.
I'm a Scientologist. Fuck.

You're all done for, dude.

I'm cooking you, bud.

It's over.

I'm telling everybody about this.

You guys talk shit.

I was baiting you.

You're fucked.

You know what?

Oh.

Even if that were to be true.

They wouldn't let me in.

They wouldn't. I don't have enough money.

You have to have so much money to get in.

Yeah.

Thank you for being a bad friend it thank you for being a bad friend

thank you for being a bad friend Woo-hoo. Yeah.

Woo-hoo.