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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Hey, bad friends.
I'm at the Irvine improv March 18th and 19th. And then at the end of the month, I'm in Vegas, baby at the win in Las Vegas.
We also added a bunch of new dates, Dallas. I'm coming to Dallas.
I'm going to Hawaii. I'll be in Niagara Falls as well.
All that stuff is going to be posted up on

AndrewSantino.com. AndrewSantino.com

You two are

bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

A white dude

and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends. A deer

a female deer

Ray a drop of golden sun. I don't give a fuck Sound of music, dude, is my jam.

A drop of golden sun. I don't give a fuck.

It's white and it's my jam, dude.

A name I call

myself far

a long, long way to run.

How about this one?

Adel

Weiss.

Adel Weiss. And like the fucking Germans are Puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-p? A flower, right? Edelweiss, yeah.
Yeah. It's a white flower.
Do you have one? All over my house.

I know you do.

I know you do, and it's disgusting.

Stop it.

Do you put product?

What do you mean product?

Like goop?

Like mousse and hairspray.

I don't put product in my – if anything, when I go to get my hair cut, they do a – whatchamacallit?

Yeah.

Pomade.

Oh.

Pomade.

I do Tancho.

You know what Tancho is?

No. You know what Tancho is? No.
That's some Japanese bullshit? Tancho is... Tanto.
Tancho is... Tancho in your hair.
It is Chinese. That's the commercial.
Yeah, yeah. Tancho in your hair.
Yeah. Look up tancho.
See that stick right there? Yeah, what does it do? So that's tancho. Right, so a lot of...
It says it's high-grade vegetable what? Yeah, so a lot of hair and makeup people in shows... Oh, pomade.
do? So that's Tancho. It says it's high-grade vegetable what?

Yeah, so a lot of hair and makeup people in shows.

Oh, pomade.

Yeah, that's what I just said.

No, but Tancho.

Will you listen?

Tancho wasn't originally for the hair.

What was it for?

The armpit, I heard.

It was for B.O.?

Yes.

Does it smell good?

It was deodorant.

No, it smells Chinese.

Ugh.

You know what I mean?

So no. Do you use deodorant? No, I don't sweat.
Do you know what's funny? What? I stopped using deodorant, and I sweat less, and I smell less. What do you mean? This is crazy, dude.
Somebody told me that there's aluminum in most deodorants. Yeah.
Do you know this? And it's really fucking bad for you. Yeah.
And what it does is it can clog your pores, and it makes you smell worse. So when you sweat, sometimes it makes it stink worse.

So I was like, all right, I'll stop using it. And I just would shower more often,

clean out my armpits more.

Now I don't wear deodorant.

It doesn't smell at all.

Even when I sweat, it smells like skin.

My armpits don't smell.

Yeah, but every white girlfriend I've ever had...

What?

Just listen.

Has a smell that I don't like. Bal? Just listen.
Has a smell

that I don't like.

Baloney?

It's like

beef gravy.

Ooh.

See, I like it.

My mouth just got watery.

I only dated

one Asian girl.

Really?

What does it smell like?

Just what does it smell like?

Oddly enough,

beef gravy. Does it smell like oddly enough yeah beef gravy

does it smell at all in any way no yeah like what her dorm room did uh-huh like what zoom in on me try seaweed noodles no she was a pretty good smell noodles no she was a UCLA grad student and we used to hook up in her dorm that her daddy bought her she had one of the nice dorms I just moved to LA I met her through my old roommate and she was living in like the fancy rich dorms and I remember I couldn't afford parking I made her pay for my parking i was so broke i was 22 oh wow wow and i was like i don't have enough money she was full huh she was full asian or she was half you know i can't tell yeah you can i can't you could be half and i wouldn't know yeah i should i dude obviously i'm full you could be half i could be half boys there's no one who would say that I was half. No one's ever walked up to me, hey, are you half white? Check it out like this.
Yeah. Because you're not hot enough? Because the halves are hot.
That's what I'm saying. Yeah, but I think you're a pretty boy and you could be half to me.
No. Your skin is light enough.
If my dad was white, he wouldn't have beat me. I don't think it's hard.
You think he would? Yeah, especially if you had an Asian wife yeah but with belts oh yeah yeah you guys love belts yeah get over here but then it's like you whip them and then you have to put it back in the loops of the pants imagine yeah and you miss and when you miss a loop how embarrassing right you and then I miss a loop and then your dad goes to work and they're like how come you're missing a a loop? I beat my kid this morning. And they all go, me too.

And they all show off their missing loops.

The missing loops.

Yeah, I think that if I had a white dad, I would look like Tony Thornburg.

Who?

My favorite male model.

Who's Tony Thornburg?

My favorite male model.

Let's bring up this.

He looks like Steve Aoki, kind of.

Right there looks just like Steve Aoki. All right, so that right is...
Now, go to a... Like that.
Good morning. If I say good morning like that, just pussy juice squirting in my face.
You know what I mean? Like a spray. See, you idolize men who are femme.
You like femme men. That's not femme, dude.
That's fucking erotic. That's femme as fuck! That's erotica

1.1, man. That's femme as fuck.

This dude is femme as fuck. Dude.
All the boys

are nodding. Suck it.

This guy is beta femme as

fuck. Suck my dick.
You know who I

idolize? What? Guys, guys.

Yeah, I know. What's your guy? Harrison Ford.

I'm going to Harrison Ford.

This is who I want to be. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.
Old, racist, angry. Yeah, but if I was mixed, I would look better.
Wait, what did he say? He called President Trump son of... Harrison Ford's so cool.
Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch.
Trump. Harrison Ford's like this.
He's always out of breath. He's like, give me that goddamn box.
I love Harrison fucking ford that guy's the boss i like him i like clint eastwood i like guys guys yeah i like harris you know why i like harrison huh because apparently he doesn't like he'll like look at the a line in a movie because i'm not saying that love that and he'll just he says it in his own way that's why if you watch a harrison form all the lines are very simple and direct. Yeah, there's not a lot of fodder.
No fat. Yeah, and he's at that level where he's like, I'm not saying that.
You and I have to say it. We not only have to say it, then they give us alts, and we have to do all the alts.
Right. No matter what the line is.
Nope. You know what I mean? Have to say it.
Yeah. Rape good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or whatever.
And you're like, I don't want to say rape good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're like, say it. Yeah.
You gotta. Yeah.
Sorkin, Aaron Sorkin. Aaron Sorkin's like, say it.
Aaron Sorkin has me a script. I'm like, oh, Aaron.
He's like, you got to say it. I'm like, I have to say the goddamn blacks are coming? I don't want to say that.
Let me ask you something I've been thinking about I don't know I want to know you better huh

yeah

uh-huh

yeah yeah yeah

and I want to talk to you

not as a comedian

but like we

are in some sort of

group

like AA?

yeah something like that

are you asking me to go to AA?

no no you're not an alcoholic

no but I

I am

maybe

a little bit

a little bit

yeah can't there be levels?

yeah there is. What am I? I'm a functioning...
You're not Doc. So, you know what I mean? You're here.
Doc's here. We had to send him away.
We have to send him away a little bit. He's got to go to rehab.
There might be an intervention. Should we do it on the show? Because I'm going to let everyone know might as well this is the second time we're doing this podcast well we're doing it the next morning he got a little saucy and he interrupts a lot and we just kind of went let's just do it tomorrow let's take a time out we took a time out so we reset but we love Doc he's Doc.
We love him to death. He's going to be back.
He's going to be back.

Yeah, we love him.

We needed to reset today.

Yeah.

But let me get to know you better.

I don't know certain things.

I don't know if you believe in God.

I do believe in...

I believe in a higher being.

Really?

Yes, but I don't believe...

It's not biblical.

It's not biblical at all.

I think it was a book written by a couple of guys.

Do you believe in God because you have a fear of death? Or do you really believe? No, no, no. I believe...
Stop saying God. I believe in...
What else do you call it? I don't call it anything. Wonderman.
Wonderman. No, Cloud...
Wonderman, an old Jewish God. Yeah, yeah.
Clyde Wonderman. Hello, I'm Mr.
Wonderman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hello, it's me morty wonderman i'm your god welcome to heaven no i believe in a being yeah i believe in a a thing a spirit a presence and energy that is larger than we can wrap our fucking minute brains around and i don't think it's a man i definitely don't think it's a human form the idea that we think that's a that that's a human it's like a guy like us but a bigger one yeah is bonkers it's batshit crazy to me i think it's a being it's it's it's it's space it's time it's energy i think it's all these things but we can't encapsulate it we like to view it as a guy because it helps us uh you know make sense of it but no it's not a person a fucking energy. But you believe in a heaven when you die? I believe, no.
I don't think you go to a fucking cloudy place where there's the piano being played in a harp and shit. You and I can do good friends in heaven.
No, we should go to hell and do better friends. Yeah! The devil's like, suck each other's jacks, and we're like, you got it.
We get way better guests. Way better guests than hell.
Are you kidding me? In heaven, who would we have? Like you and I did a podcast in heaven. We obviously.
We'd get Betty White. Yeah, that's a good one.
Fine. She's not going to say anything fucked up and fun.
Yeah. We go to hell and our guests are going to be who? What? Tupac.
Tupac! You think he went to hell? Maybe not him. Who's the best guest we could get in hell? Satan.
The guy that runs it. The devil.
But I bet you he's doing others. He's probably doing two bears, one cave.
Yeah, right. He's probably busy doing fucking Segura show.
Marin. He would probably do Marin before before us marin talked i talked to mark the other night at the store great guy he had keith richards on again because keith is uh i forget what he said he was promoting something but he's like you know how surreal it is he's like you guys have a great podcast you and bob that's cool he's like you guys don't do guests i said not no we don't we do it on our other shows and he goes you know how wild it would be if you guys had high status guests on the show and i was like well we could start at some point yeah he goes talking to keith richards for 20 minutes he's like there was a moment that i like checked out and i remembered what i would feel like if i was a kid he's like it was it was fucking he was like it was beyond surreal we're not gonna get keith richard yeah i it out to the universe right now.
I know. We're just not gonna get him.
Come on, Keith. Yeah, come on, Keith.
Who are we gonna, we're gonna get the fucking guitars from Sum 41. Fuck yeah.
Yeah, we could get him. I love that.
Yeah, we could get like. We could get the drummer from Hootie and the Blowfish.
He went to my high school. Yeah, yeah.
Blowfish. We could get all of Blowfish, not Hootie.
No, he's and the. Oh, and the.
We're not going to get Keith. Nah.
Yeah, but you know. But we could get some great guests on this show if we really wanted to.
Yeah, your friends. You have good, you have famous friends.
I don't have your friends. I don't have the kind of famous friends that you have.
That's beyond not true. Dude, I don't have a Blake Clark in my phone.
Who the fuck is Blake Clark? The basketball player from the Clippers. Blake Griffin? Whatever.
Well, Blake Clark. Who is Blake Clark? Look up Blake Clark.
Is he a guy? How funny if I also know this guy. Yeah.
Oh, I do know Blake Clark. Who is Blake Clark? An actor.
You know him too. Zoom.
You know this guy. He's a stand-up.
Yes. That's how I know Blake.
I know Blake. So he is in my phone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to say Blake is in my phone.
Sorry, Blake. Griffin.
Griffin. Griffin.
Yeah. So back to hell.
Let's talk about hell. Who else would we get? On our pod from hell? Yeah.
We're not going to get Satan. There's so many people in the history.
So many easy jokes. You know what we do? There's so many evil people.
We would have to just do five of them at a time.

Pol Pot.

Pol Pot.

Genghis Khan. Flaw the Impaler.

Genghis Khan.

We'll just get them all in one shot.

Napoleon, you think Napoleon's in hell?

You do?

Yeah, yeah.

The Spanish guy would say that.

He's in little hell.

Little tiny hell.

And Doc is like, Napoleon, save me a seat.

Yeah.

You and I, on the other hand, legitimately, I'm not making a joke here. What? Going to hell.
No, I don't. I believe we're going to go to a way station.
A way station? Like a truck stop? Yeah, like a truck stop. No, there is a truck stop.
Like an AMVM? The gray area. Yes.
Yeah. It's called purgatory.
Purgatory. I call it a truck stop.
Same, same. Yeah.
And we would be in purgatory. And I think we would argue our way into heaven.

Well, you and I are so good at that.

We're so good.

That is so good.

I'll suck your dick.

No, we would just show.

Yeah, I would suck dick.

Is this purgatory?

That is purgatory.

Oh, yeah, right.

Angel's trying to grab you and devil's trying to pull you.

I just be like, I suck.

Because I'm looking out.

I suck your dick.

Can you imagine?

You know what we would do?

What?

69.

Have you ever seen this before? We can 69 and we would do cartwheels. Then we have to die at the same time then.
So? You think we're not going to die at the same time? Yeah, I think we will. That's how this show ends.
We're going to die at Moon Tower. Come see us.
We're dying. You see us because that's going to be our last show.
I want to do a 69 with you and do cartwheels as we 69. You think that won't get us in? Yeah, and then God's up there with all his buddies laughing.

Dying.

Going, we're going to let you.

I was going to let them in, but they're just doing this.

Let's just watch this.

But it's good entertainment.

And we're just rolling around, sucking each other's dick.

And then we get to heaven, and they're going to all like,

ah, you didn't have to do that.

And we're like, we know.

We wanted to.

Yeah, we knew.

We wanted to.

It was fun for us.

Yeah.

Now we got good tape.

Do you think when you get, okay, let me ask you then. Let's go deep.
I'm trying to go deep. I know, we keep diverting.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, I do believe in a spirit, a science, a thing.
The Holy Ghost? Do you believe in a man in the sky? No, I believe the same thing you do. I don't believe in a religious, a Western religion.
It's not a guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not a guy. And I think that God, because what, they've had 300 sun gods, right? Or something like that in our history of the world.
Whose sun gods? You mean like... Pagan gods.
Like Buddhists believe in... No, like, you know, like Egyptian religion, right? Rain gods, sun gods.
The same, you know... The god of war.
No. Dude, listen.
The god of clouds. These are gods based on the sun and astrology and stuff, right? That's what Christianity is as well.
You know what I mean? And I believe that God looks down and goes, I'm Muslim, Jews. You're going to hell.
No, I'm kidding. I believe it's all under one umbrella.
He like, he gets it. He doesn't care about why would God be vain? Like, call me whatever.
Just believe in something good. Right.
Right? Just don't be a dick. I don't think he's fickle in that way, do you? How could...
It's insane. It's insane.
There's been billions and billions, trillions and trillions of people that have lived on planet Earth that never even had God. Right.
What did they have? Nothing. Nothing.
Some of them had nothing. Yeah.
Do you think when God made you? Oh, my God. You're going to insult me.
No. You're about to attack.
No. I'll answer it authentically and sincerely.
Do you think when the being that created humans, do you think you were done in a timely fashion? Or do you think he took? So I think I know where you're going. Can I guess where you're going? fashion or do you think he so i i think i know where you're going let me can i guess where you're going i know do you think he chose every element that exists on your body or do you think a few things fall through the cracks look at it like this do you think look go bring back up your picture of your boyfriend that you love what's his name tony thornburg tony thornburg yeah do you think when god made tony thornburg do you think he put the same kind of care into okay so i believe this i believe that i was a part of look at tony by the way look at tony yeah i believe i know i believe i was a part of a mass production you were like a you were like a so he made a billion of the same one he's a ferrari you're.
Right. Yeah, he's more specific, and God went, yeah, just throw them all down there, right? But you came out okay.
No, but I landed on Earth, and I went, God, you didn't give me a specific, like a long nose or a bubbly butt. You know what I mean? That'd be cool if I had a long nose and a bubbly butt.
You got a cute butt. Yeah, yeah.
You have a tiny butt. If I had like a Brazilian butt.
Oh, my God. I would tan to have tan lines.
I would. I would have tan lines and I would like, I'd be at a resort.
I would just pull all my pants down and just lay on my stomach tanning and just all the dudes walking by going, oh, look at that ass. And then he'd go, what's up? And with my mustache.
And still they'd go, yeah, what is up? Yeah, yeah. And look at his face.
He's got that long nose. Yeah, yeah.
It's this big. Yeah, I want a Pinocchio nose.
You want a foot long? So I think I was a part of a mass production. Yeah.
But I went, you know what? I'm going to change this. So I ate a bunch of carbs.
You know what I mean? I ate noodles, pasta, rice to make my body the way it is. It looks good.
Thank you. I think and i think that i you know went you know i'm gonna you know fuck you i'm gonna not fuck you no just in general i'm saying it to the world do you think when you're on your deathbed do you think you're gonna pray for god did your dad say anything about god before he died no but they say most people find god on people find God on the deathbed.
He saw things, though. Like what, people? Yeah, he would, like, he would be, you know...
He would just be like, oh, hello. To you guys? No, up somewhere.
What if he's looking at you, he just says, eyes are up? No. He's like, oh.
No. Hello.
No. And he would look at something in the room that wasn't there and like speak korean to it really yeah was he on he was yeah but he was on drugs maybe i don't know but he was because they put him on they talk on stuff my grandfather was telling my dad to get the cats out of his room what was i get these goddamn cats out of the fucking room really and my dad was like there's no cats in here jim my dad was like bring cats so i could eat eat all that i'm kidding do you think you're gonna find god you think you're gonna um i believe in god no no pray for god when you're about to die yeah because they do say people do that we talked about it on the show like the last words of atheists and everyone does say they do all go oh my god i made a mistake but do you feel like they're like i'm being pulled up or down i definitely think you get pulled yeah yeah but it doesn't indicate what a bummer if you go to hell what if hell is up and heaven is down and we just fucked it up we're upside down why would he do that god why would he do that why not a big prank what do you mean we made up what we think is up

and down what if we guessed wrong what if hell is in the sky and heaven is down in the core of the earth yeah but hell heaven and hell is just based on night and day that's why they created it i know versus evil it's star wars and why is good good and why is evil evil what's that you're talking it out what's that poem i've been trying it about it about it's a Vietnamese poem about it says like you know I'm the butterfly my house I'm down is that it but it's English oh I can do it in Vietnamese Charlie I can do that but Charlie Charlie yeah I can't Is this it? We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely... No, dude.
That was my answer. There's no butterfly in it.
Well, you said butterfly. I know.
I'm just giving you an example of what the structure of the poem is. Okay.
All right? So basically, you know what I mean? It's basically I am, you know what I mean, the grasshopper that sits on the leaf, right? I'm also the snake that eats the grasshopper. Oh.
You know what I mean? I'm the 12-year-old refugee, you know what I mean? On the boat, you know what I mean? That's scared, like, you know what I mean? And I'm also the pirate that rapes her. That's in the poem? That's in the poem.
I'm the pirate that rapes her or whatever, right? Try to find that poem for me. But it's like...
Butterfly, pirate, refugee. Yeah, but we're...
La lavanda ha vuelto a Starbucks. Pon un toque de primavera en tu taza con el ice lavender matcha.
Que lo disfrutes. Tus ice lavender lattes están listos en.
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I am the 12-year-old girl,

the refugee on a small boat

who throws herself into the ocean

after being raped by a sea pirate.

I am the pirate.

My heart not yet capable of seeing and loving.

Wow.

Yeah, but the whole poem is amazing.

Who wrote that poem?

Call me by my true name.

Yeah, call me by my true name.

By Thich Nhat Hanh.

Yeah, he just died.

He did, Thich Nhat Hanh?

Yeah, he was a monk

Thank you. call me by my true name by Thich Nhat Hanh yeah he just died he did Thich Nhat Hanh? yeah he was a monk in Vietnam hold on let's read the poem the dude hung out with Martin Luther King ok so let's read the poem I'll read the I'll read the whole thing but can you zoom it in and do it in a thick Vietnamese accent because I need to to know.
I can't do Vietnamese, can I? You were just doing fine. Whatever Asian accent, do the, you know, the real racist.
Don't say that I will. Depart tomorrow.
Oh shit, dead fan? Even today. I'm still still.
No, don't say that I will depart tomorrow. Even today, I am still arriving.
I am the frog. Start there.
I am the mayfly metamorphosing. Oh, that was it.
Sorry. Start off.
I am the mayfly metamorphosing. I am on the surface of the river, and I am the bird that swoops down to swallow the mayfly.
I am the frog swimming happily in the clear water of a pond, and I am the grass snake that silently feeds itself on the frog. I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, my legs as thin as bamboo sticks, and I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to Uganda.
I am the 12-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat who throws herself into the ocean, being raped by a sea pirate. I am the pirate.
Yeah. So basically, we are all those things.
We are both. Yeah.
You are Korean, but you're also Irish. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you're Korean as well? And I'm Irish,'m also Korean Yeah Cause your dick is so small Smaller than yours That's right

That's the barometer

That's the guy right there dude

There he is

Rest in peace

He just passed away

I think it was 92 when he died

Tamka soup

Is that what his name?

Thick non ha

Same thing

It's just not the same thing

What you said was a dish

That you eat in a soup

I love tamka soup

Yeah yeah

It's so good

Yeah thick non ha is

He just died

By the way

Shout out to Thai food

One of my favorites

Thank you. What you said was a dish that you eat in a soup.
I love Tamka soup. Yeah, yeah.
It's so good. Yeah, Thich Nhan Ha is, you just died.
By the way, shout out to Thai food, one of my favorites, dude. I fuck with these.
I love Thai, and thank you, Thich, for making it. Shout out to Thai food.
Shout out to Thich Nhan Ha for making poetry and Thai food. What's your favorite Thai dish? I like the clear.
Clear broth? No, I like their coconut- that's clear oh yeah do you like with tofu or no I put some tofu in it I'll throw some fucking tofu in there but for Asian food it's not my favorite Thai? yeah because it's you don't like the people oh I love the people I love Thai food what do I like like i like mango um mango uh chutney anyway chutney yeah when i was in thai because i've been there i lived there for not lived there but i was there for two months that's a good amount of time yeah and um the area i lived in had um restaurants that were like you know just meat that's just hanging you know i mean and flies and so i just i loved thai food before i went there and then you saw it i saw what you saw how it was made no i'm just saying i just it just kind of turned me off yeah because you saw how it was fucking made you saw how the sausage was made yeah maybe i don't know you ever seen how sausage is made do you like sausages you sausage? Any kind of sausage. You like pork sausage? I don't want you to show me a video of like little chickens getting ground up.
Let's take a look. Can you and I go make sausage somewhere? Can we go to like a sausage factory? Yeah, but what's in the tube? Ground up meat.
Yeah. But can you put like, what's the outer shelling of it? That's pig intestines That's what the casing is Really 100% So basically You can jam ground beef Into the intestines of a pig So when I'm slicing Not all pork casing is that But look It'll tell you Casing is the material That in What Yeah Pig intestines Sheep, pig, goats, cattle Sometimes horses yum yum like i heard i heard bully sticks was bull dick it's uh yeah it is petrified penises yeah bully sticks you give that to your dogs i get it no i i give it to my dogs but then it's like it stinks yeah my dog stubs will go underneath our bed bed sheets and just chew on bully sticks.
Dude, they stink so much. And then at two in the morning, you're like, did she just queef? Yeah.
My girlfriend? I mean, that's a queef. Queefs do smell like bully sticks.
Yeah. Dear bully sticks, change the smell.
Yeah. When they get really wet and they put them underneath a couch or a bed or something and they sit for a while, and it's, dude reeks yeah old penis smells turns out oh my god i saw an article this morning in bed about a woman who did meth with her boyfriend and she fucking wisconsin woman and she killed the dude dismembered him and put his head and his penis in a bucket together because she said he was a dickhead that's what she told the cops oh yeah i yeah, I saw her.
I saw her. Discovery his son's severed head in buckets.
So this is how gross I am. When I first saw that photo.
I'm pretty hot. Right, I went, she's hot.
Yeah. So then I Googled her and just looked through her and she's not.
That's a good angle. No, but keep going down.
They show a bunch of photos of her. Yeah, that's a really good angle on her.
On the post this morning. But you know what's so funny about that is she explained to the police that she was like, they were like, why did you do it? She's like, it's a good question.
She didn't, she was like, I got blacked out, choked him, killed him, cut up his shit. Yeah.
Put his legs outside. She talked about it like it was saying, like I went to go get coffee.
Yeah. It's crazy how easily people can murder people.
Yeah, just don't chop up the dick. Don Don't chop up the dick If I'm killed by her And she chops my dick off And I go to heaven Will I still have my penis? Up there? This is her holding your penis If they cut off your dick on earth What is that a Swiss army knife? Yeah Look Yeah I got it No if they cut off your penis on earth Yes you don't have it in the afterlife You're done Oh that's terrible You gotta have all your body parts Another lady right Did this right She chopped her man's dick off Right he dies Right And then like a day later She lights the dick on fire You imagine he's in Right so he's in heaven Just I'm in heaven Ah I mean Do you that happened? he's talking to a buddy he's like no so in my last couple of days oh my god oh my god that's what I'm saying and his buddy's blowing on he's like blow on yeah yeah it's not working because it's in honor I think well dude listen now this is better sexy no her too thick.
No, she got a nice boobies. Oh, she has nice boobies.
Bing, bong. You're right.
She's got huge grankas. Right.
If you go down a little bit, there's more photos of her that she took. It's amazing.
She just told the cop. Look it.
Oh, yeah. You like that look? Cholo.
Yeah, she's a cholo. She looks like it.
No, she's not. She's fucking Wisconsin.
She's like a white chick from Wisconsin. Do you own a gun? Do I own a gun? I do.
Where? At my place of residence. Is it on you? I might keep that thing on me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you really have a gun? I do.
Is it a safe? It's safe. Is it on like a dresser or like your nightstand or whatever? Or is it underneath something? It's right next to my television.
Really? Yeah. What if your dog went, whoo, whoo, and shot himself? Gotta get a new dog.
Do you have a license for it? I have a license to drive. I know, but you have a license for the thing? No, I don't have a handgun.
Yeah. I have a shotgun.
Do you have a shotgun? That I do. A shotgun.
Yeah, I know what a shotgun is. You don't have to make the sound effect.
I've seen enough fucking movies. I know what it is.
You do one. Let me hear you do a shotgun.
That's a cool shotgun. Thank you, man.
Mine's not a pop. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a side-by-side. All I was going to say is just a little side tidbit.
In Japan. Uh-oh.
Yeah? In Japan? In Japan, there are 70,000 people over the age of 100. No way.
Google that. How many people are over the age of 100 in Japan? 70,000? Maybe I got the wrong.
Maybe it's seven. 7,000.
No, it could be seven. I don't know.
I think I read it wrong, but no. 79,000 people are at or over the age of 100.
Let's move to Japan, bud. Look at that shit.
Do you know why that is? I do. Why? There's several reasons.
Diet. Diet.
That's number one. Clean, but it's also community.
The love. love yeah like if you go to the island of okinawa love okinawa right like if you know your kid is running down the street you're completely safe because everyone on their in the neighborhood in the community is their parent because there's no whites on the island that's exactly what i wanted to say thank you for i knew you were thinking yeah I do? It ruins the whole thing.
There's no whites. Yeah, they're all just chained up in a fucking cage.
No, no. When we come, Japanese people love us that we just have to leave.
What do you mean? As soon as we're done, they're like, go home. Yeah.
We have to live. I went to the Okinawan Island.
I went to Ishigake. Did you really? Yeah, Ishigake.
One of the most beautiful islands I've ever seen in my life. Look up Ishigake.
Show them what it looks like. The water is clear as fuck.
It's so far south, it's almost like tropical.

Ishigake.

Look at that.

That's where I went.

Oh my God, it's beautiful.

Ishigake.

It was so... There you are!

There I am!

It was so fun, man.

That looks beautiful, dude.

Ishigake was amazing.

Is there a resort there?

No, we stayed at a regular hotel.

Is it nice though?

No.

Yeah. Dude, I'm not fancy.
Let me ask you this on the road yeah you know how sometimes you go on the road like you're gonna stay in the condo no i'm not i know exactly that's what i said yeah no i'm not no you've never even no i have in my past as a young comic of course i've stayed in all of them yeah i've stayed in every one of them but now now they go. Yeah.
What do they say? When they say. You have to stay in the condo.
No. No.
No. Okay.
I won't come. So I won't come.
We'll just give you. How about it? We'll give you an extra hundred and now you can get your hotel.
No, more. How much? I think the Four Seasons is like $6.50 a night.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.
No, you know what? I've been playing theaters. You have to book your own.
You do your own hotels. They don't have.
You know the condo at the comedy store? The La Jolla. Yeah.
So when I was a kid, like in 1996, right, I stayed at the condo with this guy, Stephen Moore. You don't know him.
And he's in the 60s at this time or whatever. Yeah.
He goes, Bob, you have no idea what happened in April of 82 in this cond in this condo no fuck i don't want to hear it because i've stayed there no i want to tell you i go and i was scared because i'm staying there right in the little room with the twin bed i don't know if they still have that little um yes they do yeah and one of the bed that's like lopsided so you're sleeping at an angle. It's on phone books.
They fucking lifted it up on phone books. So he goes, so me and Brian Bradley, another comic from San Francisco, right? We played here in 82 or 83 or whatever it was.
And he goes, we went to this gay bar. And we just, come on, let's go to the condo.
And so there was like 80 guys in this condo right and we did a train from the fucking master bedroom to the twin thing right and i'm just going oh i'm gonna go to a hotel because now everything felt like sticky and it's musky it just didn't feel right yeah yeah so you will never stay there again no Dude, no. I haven't stayed the last bunch of times I've gone.
Just because it's sad. The condo's a little sad.
It makes you feel dirty. Yeah.
There's this weird Smurf color. Yeah.
Well, they've changed it. Apparently, they did a whole redo on it.
Because back in the day, it was like the color of papa smurf and everywhere everywhere

the carpet the fucking bedding everything that condo is where the dingleberry happened what dingleberry do you remember the dingleberry yeah yeah that's where the dingleberry happened man i'm i i feel bad because it's like i don't want to shame who had a dingleberry that we know So I met a girl and she moved.

I was at a club in the Midwest met a girl okay she came out to LA and I go I'm playing La Jolla you should come with me she's all right and she's so we're in the condo and she brought her guitar of course right and I was there with two other comics and she's like I wrote a song i'm jumping off the roof yeah exactly and i'm just like blushing going please don't play it yeah and she pulls and she's like happiness and i love the ones that love me too or whatever i like that song yeah it's a great song right and i go happiness is we're all singing along like and and all the comics looking at me like, what the fuck with this one?

This bitch.

So I finally, that night, I like to make love in the light.

You like the lights on?

Yeah.

Always?

Always.

You never like it in the dark?

I don't like it.

Huh.

Yeah.

I like the lights on.

Do your partners like it more in the dark?

No, they don't like it all.

Yeah, they want the dark. They don't want to see me.

So... They don't want Liu Kang on top of them? Right, so I'm having sex with this girl.
I feel so bad about even telling this story. Should I even tell it? Oh, yeah.
Well, you didn't say her name. Exactly.
And she probably has no fuck... This was 20 years ago.
Even longer, probably. Well, so what? And so I'm doing her from the doggy.

Do they still call it the doggy?

They still call it the doggy?

Yes.

We're having sex doggy style.

Okay, doggy. You're not doing the doggy.

Yeah, but that's how I say it.

That's how Doc would say it.

Yeah.

Yeah, we were doing the doggy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I was doing the doggy style.

That sounds super worse.

Yeah, it sounds way worse.

And I smelled... Well, it's the first...
So she starts talking about like... Let me guess.
Let me take it. But what I'm having...
She starts talking about, you know, I think you're my soulmate. While you're fucking? Yeah.
And she's like... Wrong time.
And she's like, I just had a vision that you and I had kids. my god in the middle of sex in the middle of sex and i'm doing like shut the fuck up you know like in my mind it's funny to think that you're working really hard and she's just not even moving she's like you know i was also thinking about going yeah you know i don't know going to get a marriage license yeah and she also brought up like paperwork and she had taxes it was weird.
So, um, can you notarize this, Bob? Yeah. She's like, I'm thinking about,

I had this vision and i smell poo right so i took my two thumbs as you do yeah and i spread open her cheeks right and you know how like you know woman's butt any butt butt, there's like rogue hair. Right? There's like two hairs like, we spawned in the wrong spot.
Yeah, what are we doing here? I told you, Johnny, to go on the head. Right? On the top of the head, right? They got lost.
Yeah, and they ended up growing on the asshole. They're like, I guess this is our line.
It's the last time we take MapQuest. Yeah, yeah.
Me sad or whatever, right? The other one's like, I'm going to grab a piece of shit on the way out. That's exactly what I was thinking.
Got it. So he grabbed it as a meal.
And he put it all over his face. No, he didn't even break it down.
He just left a ball. It was like a ball like this.
I'll eat this later. So I'm doing like this and I go, oh, what the fuck, right? And in my head, I'm like, she's like, I had a vision.
I had a vision of going to fucking CVS and getting toilet paper, bitch. and I go, oh, what the fuck, right? And in my head, I'm like, she's like, I had a vision.
I had a vision of going to fucking CVS

and getting toilet paper, bitch.

Did you?

And I...

Oh, you flicked the dingle.

I flicked it out, right?

And I saw it visually fly away.

Wow.

So problem solved.

Yeah, but then I...

Dingle flicker.

I never saw it again.

Yeah, surprise, surprise.

I never called and I never answered the phone again after that trip. That's did you tell her she had a dingle wipe your ass did you tell her wipe your ass did you tell her she had a dingle no well then how could she ever know the polite thing would have been let me ask you a question I don't want to see you again can I ask you a question sure do you have a dingle in your butt right now no exactly I just showered I think we all know right if i had a little piece of shit in between my crack i think i would know i think you would know yeah that being said right what if she had just gone to the bathroom she didn't wipe all right how do you say it i'm the girl okay we're just done making love doing the doggy style right oh my Oh, my God.
I mean, that was... I still have those visions.
Getting married. Yeah.
Yeah, right on. I loved my visions.
You had poop in your butt. That's right.
You got to let them know. Really? Let me be softer.
We'll do it again. Yeah, yeah.
I'll be soft. A little soft.
I don't think you would do it that way. You're right.
I'll do it softer. So, anyway...
Oh, God. Man, god man that was good can i sing you a song about our makeup you had a piece of shit in your ass while we were fucking that's the same thing yeah try to do it in in the most delicate way okay think okay think that i'm a fragile girl yeah i'm not in show business i'm not tough yeah yeah yeah you know how much you haven't been beaten down by the world right So it's like, oh, God, that was good.
Wow. Happiness in you is the happiness.

Oh, I love that song. Thank you.
Can I tell you something? What? I love making love to you. Thank you.
And I loved you just doing the doggy style with me. That was my favorite too.
Yeah. But.
Yeah. This is going to sound strange.
Yeah. Before we have sex next time, do you think we can shower together? That's how you do it.
I love showering before we have sex. Sure, but you know what? I never wash my asshole.
Really? Yeah, so I'll shower. I'll shampoo my hair.
How about this? Yeah. Can I wash it for you because I love to pamper my girl.
No, because I have a friend down there named Raul. Oh, you have a little helper? Well, I have two renegade hares.
Oh. Right? They accidentally grew there.
Oh. They meant to go on the arms, the legs, and the head, but they got lost.
Oh. So they grew out of my anus, and they eat.
They eat a lot. And they happen to eat poo.
Well, let me tell you something. What was your name again?

What was your name again?

What?

Huh?

Deborah.

Well, listen, Deb.

Yeah?

I don't really care.

I love you the way you are.

Thank you.

So I'll be right back, okay?

Don't go anywhere.

Okay, but I'm going to be bent over here.

Right.

And she's now bent over, right?

With her butt out.

With her asshole spread open. Dingles.
And she's there for three days. Yeah.
Good job. She dies like that.
Hello Fresh. Man, I like fresh food delivered to my door.
Dude, when Hello Fresh is at my front doorstep, I get my mouth all watering. You dance, don't you? Because I love it.
I love it. Your little feet go up and down.
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That's right, man. Warm yourself up the inside out this winter with limited recipes inspired by cozy classics from around the world like beef tannerloin and cheese fondue or miso, sesame shrimp and bacon my goodness this is good i've cooked hello fresh for years now before they were on the show i've been i've been eating their stuff and it's so fun so easy to do because they tell you all the measurements it's delicious hello fresh well i want to add this hello fresh is 72 percent cheaper than a restaurant meal of the same quality and i think that's very key well guys you need to do this go to need to do this.
Go to HelloFresh.com slash BadFriends16 and use the code BadFriends16 for up to 16 free meals and three free gifts. HelloFresh.com slash BadFriends16 for 16 free meals and three free gifts.
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And it's easy to learn with Headspace. Yeah.
We all say fine. We don't mean it, right? I always say fine, fine, fine.
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I do love this stuff. Yeah.
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Would you rather get hung or guillotined? Guillotine because it's instant.

I think hanging is instant, no?

No way, dude.

Your neck breaks.

It cuts off circulation.

You feel it.

You're feeling it happen.

Guillotine is like, skak, it's gone.

What if a guillotine is dull?

And it sticks?

And halfway through your neck and you're still alive.

Like, what the fuck?

And they're all cracking up.

They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Try it again. Sharpen it.
I would much rather guillotine, though. You want to be hung? You always love a show.
You love a show. Because I'm going to do a funny.
I know. You're going to do a dance while you're.
No, I'm just going to do a funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby's pinching his nipples while he's being hung. I'll probably do my act.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
You're like. When Bobby was a little boy.
He was the last of of my own no like i would do hacky stuff like what is up with airplanes while you're hanging and dying you know that'd be terrible either way i think i would do i do guillotine hard it gone you're gone immediately yeah the worst is fire but you can't have an open casket though i don't i don't one. Oh, I do.
My grandma just passed away. We had to go to the wake.
It was open? Yeah, at an Irish wake, the day before the funeral. Did you kiss her? No, you know what's so fucked up? And I'm not making any jokes right now.
I never have ever liked seeing people, of anybody I've lost in my life, I hate fucking seeing them when they're dead. So I avoid like crazy the whole time I'm at those things I don't want to look at it I fucking hate going near it but I will say this time and I'm being serious I'm not making any jokes for the first time ever as we were leaving I went to go say goodbye and the room was cleared my uncle was standing up against the wall by himself and I went up to the casket and for the first time in my entire life I was like at ease with it because I realized it didn't even look like her anymore I was like oh the soul of her or who she really was is gone it's just the shell is left so it was kind of this weird like relief for me a little bit I was like oh yeah the thing I loved the human that the or the entity that she was that i loved it's not even in there anymore anyway it's gone to somewhere better and no into the universe hell baby hell baby he was evil dude you don't know dude anyway how are you thanks being a bad friend.
Are we done? Yeah, we're done. Are you really? I was just joking, man.
And I was being dead serious. Sorry.
You make fun of me all the time when I'm serious. I said, I'm not kidding.
Three times. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you had to go there. Yeah, yeah.
But funny. No, it wasn't funny.
No one laughed. They got no laughs.
They were laughing. No, they do that out of courtesy.
Why? Stop courtesy laughing. We could just cut that part out, Chacho.
No, no, no. We're leaving it because they need to see how evil you really are.
I'm just saying this is what I read. No, they need to see who you really are.
I read that in the blog. Sorry.
They need to see how evil you really are. She's a great woman.
You know that. Didn't I call you when all that happened? No, you did.
Yeah. No, I know.
I was so concerned. I know.

We have to make some fun.

Yeah, yeah. I was so concerned.

Hey, guys.

So we recorded Bad Friends last night, and it did not go exactly according to plan.

You guys know that Andrew and Bobby have very high standards for themselves, and they don't want to air it.

But I think it's really funny.

So I want to show you a little taste.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! Can I just say something? What? That's it? Hey, welcome to... Dude, I'm getting so into hip hop right now.
Welcome to... So deep.
Is that hip hop? Not even close. I don't know how to...
Not even fucking close, but go ahead. All right.
Why don't I give you a beat and let me see you bad. I don't know how to rap.
Stop.

Let me see you bad friends.

Hip hop intro.

Can I go slow?

I'll make the beat.

It'll be slow.

All right.

Real slow.

Real slow.

Yeah.

Slower.

Really?

Slower.

Perfect.

What do I rap about?

A show.

An intro for our fucking show.

All right. The show.
Ready? Yeah. That's right.
Welcome to the bad friend show. My body is made out of dough.
In the sky is a crow. And people don't know what they don't know Welcome back to Bad Friends Pretty good If you sped it up there You'd be like, is that Nas? If you sped it up It's Nas I'm just learning about the whole history of it Well let me teach you's not n-o-s it's nas yeah nasty nas yeah nas that's the most asian way nas yeah yeah oh yeah no no i love when we see when asians see nas we got nas nas okay oh yeah he's nas and we say gram master of nas gram gram like grand cracker like grand master of like they say everything fast like that doc step outside for my guy wait a minute this fucking guy what are you into hip-hop what hip-hop are you into lately so what what i know about hip-hop is i know that um the history about you know the first guy to ever the first mc to ever rap on a show is dj hollywood right and then um i just kind of know who the earlier being a grandmaster flash who the earlier people are and then i just didn't know about biggies and uh um tupac's little war i didn't know about you learned about it i know everything about it do you think do you think that tupac is? Tupac is dead.
Tupac got shot. I'll tell you why.
Yo, yo. Yo, dude, dog.
I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why.
Dog. I'll tell you.
Dog, check it out, bro. Let's hear it.
Let's hear it. So let me ask you guys something.
Why was Tupac initially mad at Biggie? You know what, dude? What's that? You're a rapper. Way too short.
Anyway. Go ahead.
Go ahead. No no this is good this is good so what so west coast east coast beef was born because of death row records no that's not what happened yes no i'm telling you what happened i know okay well i'm doing the fucking classes okay all right the master class tupac was in new york biggie was recording in the studio yeah he was down there and one one of Biggie's boys was like, what's up, dude? I'm going to let you up.
Yeah, Lil Cease. Right? Yeah.
Yeah, let you up, right? So while this guy comes down, opens the elevator, it was just blood and mayhem. They were shot up.
Yeah. Right? Tupac thought that Biggie set him up.
That's right. I don't believe that's true.
Anyway, I'm just saying that you guys make fun of me about not knowing hip-hop and not knowing my rhymes and rhythms,

and I'm going to tell you right now, dude, that I'm doing my studying.

Well, you ready?

Yeah.

That's right.

A little faster.

No, no.

My name is Bobby Lee.

I'm the king of society.

I'm fast.

I mean, I do it in variety.

Hell, yeah. That's really good.
Yeah, that was fucking smooth, dog. Bobby.
B. Lee.
Hey. And you know what? Do you know what your hip-hop name is? Believe.
But it's B-L-E-E-V-E. Believe.
B. Lee.
Oh, man. Here comes B.
Lee. Yeah.
B. Lee.
Yeah, yeah. You rap like someone from the fucking 80s.
Thanks, dude. I'm Bobby Lee.
I'm here to say. It's about to be a wonderful day.
Oh, my God. I feel so good.
What's it in my pants? It must be wood. It's like the worst.
I already came up with, can I come up with my own name? No, believe. No, I want to be DJ Shuteye.
DJ Shuteye? Yeah. Even better.
Thank you. D-D-D-DJ Shuteye.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to be out there just.
D-D-D-DJ shut eye. It's horrible.
Way too short. Way too short.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. DJ shut eye way too short and the red rocket.
Wow. But anyway, I'm trying to learn, you know.
Dude, I like that you're trying to get cultured. You guys know much about punk rock or CBGB back in the 70s? No.
All I know is that losers wear CBGB shirts because they think it's cool. Bro, that's so fucking insulting, dude.
Yeah. It's like a shirt that a guy thinks is cool to wear, but he knows nothing about it.
It's just like a thing to wear. Am I right or am I right? These kids, Carlos knows exactly what I'm talking about.
No, I don't think so. Anybody who wears this shirt.
Do you know what CBGB is? Do you know what CBGB is? No, I don't. It's one of the most historic music venues in New York for punk rock.
Okay. Now help me with punk rock and grunge.
So Nirvana is grunge, right? What would be the example? It's the difference between hip hop and gangster rap. Yeah.
It's the same thing but just different

that's it

that's the most articulate

thing you've ever said

on this show

what do you think

the difference between

grunge

and is

and punk rock

and punk rock

is so close to what

hip hop and rap are

right

that they're almost undefined

you can kind of define it

if you listen to Nirvana's

first album

Bleach

right

so good

a lot of those songs

are very very punk rock

you know

totally

yeah and then

Nevermind came out

and then Heroin kicked in

I'm going the BPMs were way higher. It was way more upbeat.
I fucked up on a date. It was heavier, Bleach was way, way more upbeat.
I'm sure the BPMs were way higher.

It was way more upbeat.

I fucked up on a date.

It was heavier.

I saw Nirvana

two months before,

three months before

Cobain died.

What do you mean?

You saw them live?

Yeah.

Where?

In Anaheim.

Oh, sure.

Love.

And I drove up

from San Diego

and I had a date,

right?

And I fucked that night up

because she's taller,

right?

They all are. way too short all right i'm with you though all right you know what i'm saying and i was getting hyped because you know how you know when they tailgate a party you know there it is yeah february 22nd so i was in the parking lot well you know and i was just jumping up and down and I jumped so high it hit her in the mouth and she cracked a tooth her tooth was cracked and she was doing I don't even drive me back oh she was yeah the night was young I just bought tickets because her toothy's gone don't tell me you didn't get to see NirT-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C-T-C Imagine there's some girl with still the chipped tooth That's like that son of a bitch She's listening Can we bring up a picture of something? Yeah go ahead Did you see Britney Spears post this week? Britney Spears on Instagram posted nudes Look at me Are you being real? Yeah here's the thing What kind of nudes? Well they're covered But it's on her Insta So obviously it's not that new But look But look, it's her on the beach.
Yeah, yeah. Showing.

Oh, that's not it.

That's not it.

That's nice.

No, maybe she took them down.

That's nice.

So there's a couple of nude photos that she put up with just stars over her vagina.

Oh.

Go back.

There's full body ones.

Get out of there real fast.

Hold on.

Scroll down maybe.

There they are.

Up above the flower.

Yeah.

So this is pretty good.

Yeah, it's pretty damn good right there.

Okay. Timberlake.
It's Britney. It's Britney, good.
Yeah, it's pretty damn good right there. Timberlake!

It's Britney.

It's Britney, bitch.

This is why she got the conservatorship.

That's why they were like...

If you were single, and I was single...

Would I have sex with you?

We were with Britney in Florida,

so that's where she hangs out.

I don't know where she hangs out.

Florida sounds right.

Yeah.

Who do you think she would like first? Out of you and me? In terms of dating. Doc.
She would. That's what I.
You know she would. Yeah.
She wants something. But having Doc is like having a fly buzz around your head.
I mean. That's what you think.
You're a goddamn hater. I want to address something real fast, by the way.
We can get back to Britney.

Free Britney.

Doc got so much love from...

People were saying we were mean about his uncle getting murdered.

What?

People were saying how we didn't handle his family death.

You know, because all of his gay uncles got killed.

Oh, he was traumatized.

And they said we handled it poorly. We weren't empathetic.
So let's take a second bobby and i both yeah yeah uh part two here we go give us another shot hold on fellas let me get give me another shot just just really quickly i don't want to spend too much time on this let's just say why don't you just say to us yeah man both my uncles died you know from some crazy killer so just say that because but it was only one. Oh, right.
But the other one died. But the other one died.
We weren't sure. Okay.
Yeah, well, we were sure. I'm not.
What happened to the second uncle? The second uncle, we don't know. He just was found.
We don't know. Oh, so back where you're from, there's no such thing as autopsies? Yeah, but we'll get to that.
I ain't talked to the family and got all it. Oh, that just happened.
Because it just happened. I remember that just happened.
So tell us again. We're going to handle it differently real fast.
We're going to do it. I don't think we just did it.
I don't think I should be asking questions and going, what about this? Yeah, that doesn't help. Yeah, yes.
I feel like a detective. Yeah, you are.
Because he's a murderer. That's why.
You're a murderer, and that's why my detective stylings kick in. All right.
and say let's go yeah man my uncle one of my uncles was uh we shot up you know well let him get out why would you laugh this is a serious moment see what i'm saying you know all right here we go ready so one of my gay uncles was murdered he was shot up oh no stop don't laugh

why are you making me laugh? Bobby, that is not funny. I'm not even trying to have a moment.
I don't even know what's happening. I'm so sorry.
The people actually, because I didn't even see it. I don't even know what's happening.
No, you know what? Let's get you one of these. We're going to get you one of these.
Best uncle ever. Can you order that shirt? Honestly, give us another shot.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Go ahead. And go.
My uncle, he was murdered. He didn't die.
Why the fuck? We have to do this. We have to do this.
Do it again. Focus.
We just duck our heads. We come out.
And when we come up, we're just new dudes. I'm Billy Lee and you're Jimmy Santino.
Jimmy Santino.

Here we go.

You're going to be horrible.

Two dudes, right?

Okay, let's go ahead.

Wait, hold up.

We got to do a face.

We got to change our faces.

What face are you going to do?

Okay, here we go.

I'm going to do this.

I'm going to do just a little squinty.

Fuck.

So, hold up.

All right.

So, Angie.

Abracadabra.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Abracadabra.

So, my uncle getting a little moist. He got shot up.
He was killed. By a gay serial killer.
See? Dude, that's never not funny. That line is funny.
Do not. Where did I go wrong? Tell me where did I go wrong can I tell you something for the audience we're not fucking laughing that his uncle was murdered but the way Doc says it yeah by a gay serial killer it sounds like a bit from SNL yeah yeah you know who killed him a gay serial killer yeah yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Well, well, well. Here comes Rudy.

Rudy.

Hey.

Hi, Rudy.

How are you?

I think I have a stomach ache.

Oh, sh... Why?

The energy you bring is insurmountable.

I was like, is this Robin Williams?

Yeah.

You have a stomach ache, kiddo?

What's going on?

I keep farting a lot, and my tummy hurts.

You're farting?

Are you farting right now?

Right now.

Those are...

Fuck, bro.

I'm right next to you.

Before I came.

Thank you. You have a stomachache, kiddo? What's going on? I keep farting a lot, and my tummy hurts.
You're farting?

Are you farting right now?

No, right now.

Those are, okay. Fuck, bro.

I'm right next to you.

Before I came.

Sorry.

Well, can you maybe not share that information?

I mean, I farted a couple times in the card as well.

No, I like to share.

Okay.

She's actually on fire.

What's going on, Rude? I just came home from school How was school? Boring What did you do this past weekend? She met a boy Again? Huh? You met a boy remember? You said you met a Filipino boy And your class said hello to you Oh yeah Yeah a Filipino boy said. Yeah, and? He was cute.
Did you guys exchange information? No, I forgot to ask. Big time.
Yeah. But she goes, well, he's in my class.
So you'll see him again. Did you see him today? Yeah.
Yeah. What's his name? I don't know.
That's good. So you're hitting it off.
Wait, so you met him, you said? Yeah. So how did that? Hi.
I I'm someone in your class I don't want to know your name You're just somebody in my class too He didn't ask for my name So how did you meet him He just goes Nice shoes And he just walked by No he asked like Are you Filipino And I said yeah Fuck And then you go I'm Juliana That's what human beings do Is that racist Time out He just said Are you Filipino You said yes And then that was it No and then you go i'm juliana that's what human beings do is that racist time out he just said are you filipino you said yes and then that was it no and then he asked if i speak tagalog and i said no i speak another dialect and then he said oh that's cool and i said okay fuck it must be so weird being your age what a weird what is that that's it that's what happened yeah but it was i liked it you like the interaction yeah that seems awful she's being alone for a long time yeah really you've been trapped up or i mean that's very strange to just go do you hey hi do you speak my language i speak a different one okay bye yeah what the fuck not like hey yo we should yeah we should hang out or hang out or whatever he do that. You could do it too.
I can't. Why? I'm too shy.
Yeah, that is probably true. Yeah, I mean, but anyway.
So if I walked up to you and asked you, are you Filipino? We would call the cops. He's like, if I walked up to you and looked up at you, and I was like, what's up with you, girl? Is it a bad thing? Like, if I do it, like, is it okay just, like, because of an Asian guy do it? It's you, but you look like Michael B.
Jordan. Is that fine? Okay, good.
Oh, that's bullshit. Go ahead.
Go ahead. Michael B.
Jordan. Why would you substitute? I'm sexy.
Go ahead. It's Michael B.
Shorty. No, but, like, if another person of another race came and asked you, was you Filipino?

Would it bother you?

No, he's saying he's a racist.

Like say a black dude came up and was like, hey, are you Filipino?

No, it's not going to bother you.

No, it's fine.

Okay.

I thought it was racist just to walk up to an Asian person and just guess.

Well, if you go like-

Yes, it is.

If you get it wrong.

That's right.

Yeah.

No, actually, we have, I have a three strike rule.

Okay. Right? So you get three shots.
So someone's like, hey, man, are you Japanese? No. Are you Chinese? Nope.
Are you Malaysian? That's it. And that's it? And then you walk away.
Yeah, I just shut down. Right on.
But you know what? White people don't get that. People don't go up to me.
You from England? You Irish? Yeah, I Irish yeah I'm Irish yeah yeah but that's my point if you got that we get that five times a day if you got that first of all you don't get it five times a day I used to the culture changed but in the 80s and 90s it happened relentlessly someone would just come up to you and go in my life I never walked up to an agent they would walk up and go Chinese! and you'd be like no anywhere like they've lost money or something I've never seen this yeah they get excited I'd walk into a bar or something and you see white dudes I got this one Vietnamese! and they'd be all they get upset I never seen this. I can't believe this is real.
Yeah, because it's my own private thing. When you're in a room with different Asians, are you able to go Japanese, Korean, Chinese? Can you, or are you just...
Whenever a bunch of Asians are in a room together, they do start calling out what they are. Yeah, well, I'm just saying, are you able to just like fucking...
Yeah, you know, I'm able to do a lot of things. I just fucking don't oh okay yeah yeah because it's like i don't do that with black guys yeah it's easy if i walk in and i say oh okay he might be african right there no no no that's not even that that's that's a continent what you're doing right now is no it's ghana that guy's from ghana that guy's from Cote d'Avoire.
You know what I mean? It's that kind of shit. No, I don't.
No, no, what I'm saying is that... I'm not dividing those fucking countries

in Africa. Ghana that guy's from Ghana that guy's from Cote d'Avoury you know it's that kind of shit no I don't no I'm just what I'm saying is that I'm not dividing no what I'm saying is you're not listening to what I'm saying if I'm in a group full of Asians right what a nightmare right I could say you just said African so I go we're all Asians right but you're that's not what you're asking me you're asking me specifics like do we know what specific part of asia are they from so your thing is if you're around a bunch of black guys are you specific about where they're from like oh you're from south africa yeah you're no you don't yeah if they talk i'll be like yeah that's what i mean heritage from 300 years ago they came over here if you said are you asian you wouldn't ask that because you would already know by looking at me But white people want to know specifics.
Yeah, some of the whites. Yeah, because they have a favorite food and they want to talk to you about it.
See, I don't want to talk to anybody about it. Yeah.
Go ahead. I do.
I do the same shit. I kind of – I don't know.
I don't know what to tell you. Sometimes I'll be like, I want some Korean food.
Oh, you've eaten Korean food? That's what I'm trying to tell you. I ain't had it.
Name me three Korean dishes, and I will, honestly, if you need me three Korean dishes, dude, I will be so nice to you for the rest of the podcast. Okay, the first one? Yeah.
Wasabi. Just give him that for fun.
Yeah, we'll give you that. We'll give you that.
We'll give you wasabi. We'll give you wasabi.
That's for fun. That's for fun.
That's for fun. Yeah, but okay, now it's serious.
Is that one? Because that's not one. Okay, kimchi.
That's one? Hell yeah, that's one time. Okay, two more.
Two more, man. Hey, man.
Two more, man. Don't do that.
Don't do that. Japanese horseradish.
Kampau chicken. Yeah, okay, you're done.
Real talk. You're done.
Real talk. All right, right, right.
Do I need to keep going? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't miss me in front of the world.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's imagine him going to Koreatown and he goes inside of a traditional Korean restaurant and he's just like hey man y'all got wasabi and kung pao chicken they would take their katanas out right and you would just they would serve you the next meal did you know this typically in Korean restaurants the wasabi isn't real wasabi.
Okay, can I just say this? I'm just trying to educate you a little bit. Listen to me right now.
Fucko. Fucko.
He didn't know that though. He didn't know that, I'm telling you.
Hey, fucko. Wasabi is Japanese.
It's not a food. It's a condiment.
It's like saying ketchup is a fucking food. It is a food.
It's not a food. Is ketchup a food? Fuck it.
It's ketchup a food. Anything you can consume is food.
Can I tell you something? Right. But it's not Japanese though.
It's not Japanese though. Look at this guy.
There's not a Korean restaurant on planet Earth that has wasabi in it. Okay.
You got me. Do you know why? Because it's like them saying, oh, we have Indian curry too.
I mean, what the fuck are you talking about? Okay, now I get what you said. Okay.
Phew.

I feel like this episode is similar.

We're getting out of control. We're getting out of control.

This fucking podcast.

So I'll turn it off.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

It's just, I feel like the Ritalin is affecting my performance.

Can we talk about it on the show?

Yeah.

So how many, you called me on the phone and you told me you're taking how much?

Five milligrams of Ritalin now?

Yeah.

And it's prescribed by a doctor.

By a psychiatrist, yeah.

You feel like it's fucking you up?

No.

Because you told me that you're getting better sleep on the Ritalin.

It's been better, yeah, but it's not solving my sleep problem now.

But what would solve the sleep problem?

Sleeping pills?

Yeah.

Fuck that.

Can you take that?

No.

No, he can't.

Fuck.

Why is his mic out? They turned his mic his mic off why i think because of the vibe the boys made a shotgun decision go ahead he's a producer on the show yeah hey man that's it okay no no what do you what do you say doc i'm hurt i'm fucking hurt well then if you have a gripe gripe, then you need to pick a bone with those two. Especially, Carlos, you knew.
You're going to diss me in front of everybody. Well, you know.
Okay, all right. You can't really trust a Mexican and a Spanish guy in the room.
Carlos, maybe shave the whole head. I mean, this look you're doing now is like, what are you doing? Can I be real with you? Yeah, yeah.
I completely disagree. He looks so dope right now.
Yeah. That's like Larry David shit.
Oh, that is Larry David. Then let me see the side.
Let me look at the side. I love it.
It's not great, the side. Oh, so dope.
That looks so tight. Do you like that? Yeah.
Rudy, that looks tight. Yeah.
See? Young Gallagher. Young Gallagher.
Young Gallagher. Finish what you were going to say, though.
So that Ritalin isn't helping. No, it is helping on a lot of fronts.

It's un-airable, this whole thing.

I think it's un-airable.

I think I'm off. It's fine.

We're all a little off.

You're a natural.