Dingle Flicker Doggystyle

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Speaker 2 Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

Speaker 1 These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Speaker 1 Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Speaker 3 Hey, bad friends, I'm at the Irvine Improv, March 18th and 19th. And then at the end of the month, I'm in Vegas, baby, at the win in Las Vegas.
We also added a bunch of new dates.

Speaker 3 Dallas, I'm coming to Dallas. I'm going to Hawaii.
I'll be in Niagara Falls as well. All that stuff is going to be posted up on AndrewSantino.com, AndrewSantino.com.
You two are bad friends.

Speaker 3 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 3 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 3 We're bad friends. A deer, a female deer, sound of music is my jam.
A drop of golden song. I don't give a fuck.
It's white and it's my jam.

Speaker 3 Far

Speaker 3 along the way to Raw. Come on, this one.

Speaker 3 Adovas.

Speaker 3 Adovas.

Speaker 3 And like the fucking Germans are

Speaker 3 killing. You know what I mean? All the the innocence, but the song's beautiful.

Speaker 3 Edelweiss. It's a, you know, it's the sun and made.

Speaker 3 What is it? A flower, right? Edelweiss, yeah. Yeah.
It's a white flower. Do you have one? All over my house.
You do. I know you do, and it's disgusting.
Stop it. Put a product?

Speaker 3 What do you mean, product? Like goop? Like mousse and hairspray. I don't put product in my.

Speaker 3 If anything, when I go to my, get my haircut, they do a, whatchamacallit?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Pomade. Oh.
Pomade.

Speaker 3 I do tancho. You know what tancho is? No.

Speaker 3 You know what toncho is? No. That's what Japanese bullshit.
Tancho is. Tancho.
Tancho is. Tancho in your hair.

Speaker 3 In the Chinese. That's the commercial.
Yeah, yeah. Tancho in your hair.
Yeah. Look up toncho.
See that stick right there? Yeah, what does it do? So that's toncho. Right? So a lot of.

Speaker 3 It says it's high-grade vegetable what? Yeah, so a lot of hair and makeup people in shows. Oh, pomade.
Yeah, that's what I just said. I used to make it.
No, but

Speaker 3 will you listen? Tancha wasn't originally for the hair. What was it for? The armpit, I heard.
It was for B.O.? Yes. Does it smell good? It was deodorant.
No, it smells Chinese. Ugh.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 So, no. Do you use deodorant? No, I don't sweat.
Do you know what's funny? I stopped using deodorant and I sweat less and I smell less.

Speaker 3 What do you mean? This is crazy, dude. Somebody told me that there's aluminum in most deodorants.
Do you know this? And it's really fucking bad for you.

Speaker 3 And what it it does is it can clog your pores and it makes you smell worse. So when you sweat, sometimes it makes it stink worse.
So I was like, all right, I stopped using it.

Speaker 3 And I just would shower more often, clean out my armpits more. Now I don't wear deodorant.
It doesn't smell at all. Even when I sweat, it smells like skin.
I don't, my armpits don't smell.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but every white girlfriend I've ever had

Speaker 3 once

Speaker 3 has a smell that I don't like. Bologna? It's like beef gravy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I I like it.

Speaker 3 My mouth just got watery. I only dated one Asian girl.
Really? What did it smell like?

Speaker 3 Just what did it smell like? Oddly enough, beef gravy.

Speaker 3 Does she smell it at all in any way?

Speaker 3 No, yeah. Like what?

Speaker 3 Her dorm room did. Uh-huh.
Like what?

Speaker 3 Zoom in on me. Did you dry seaweed? Noodoo.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 She pretty good smelled noodles. No, she was a UCLA grad student.
Yeah. And

Speaker 3 we used to hook up in her dorm that her daddy bought her. Really? She had one of the nice dorms.
I just moved to LA. I met her through my old roommate, and she was living in

Speaker 3 the fancy rich dorms. And I remember I couldn't afford parking.
I made her pay for my parking.

Speaker 3 I was so broke. I was 22.
Oh, wow, wow, wow. And I was like, I don't have enough money.
She was full? Huh? She was full Asian or she was half?

Speaker 3 You know, I can't tell.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you can. I can't.
You could be half, and I wouldn't know. Yeah,

Speaker 3 dude, obviously I'm full. You could be half.

Speaker 3 You could be half? Boys? There's no one who would say that I was half. No one's ever walked up to me.
Hey, are you half white? Check it out like this. Yeah.
Because you're not hot enough?

Speaker 3 Because the halves are hot. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, but I think you're a pretty boy, and you could be half to me. No, like.
You've got your skin. If I was white in me.

Speaker 3 If my dad was white, he wouldn't have beaten me. I don't think think that's hard.

Speaker 3 You think he would? Yeah, especially if you had an Asian wife. Yeah, but with belts.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, you guys love belts.
Yeah, get over here.

Speaker 3 But then it's like you whip them, and then you have to put it back in the loops of the pants. Imagine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 And you missed it. And when you miss a loop, how embarrassing.
Right. I beat you, and then I miss a loop.
And then your dad goes to work, and they're like, How come you're missing a loop?

Speaker 3 I used to, I beat my kid this morning. And they all go, me too, and they all show off their missing loops.

Speaker 3 The missing loops. Yeah, I think that if I had a white dad, I would look like Tony Thornberg.
Who?

Speaker 3 My favorite male model. Who's Tony Thornburg? My favorite male model.
Let's bring up this pre-what. He looks like Steve Aoki, kind of.

Speaker 3 Right there looks just like Steve Aoke. All right, so that right there is...
No, go to a, like, that. Good morning.

Speaker 3 If I said good morning like that, just pussy juice squirting in my face. Shh.
You know what I mean? Like a spray.

Speaker 3 See, you idolize men who are femme. You like femme men.
That's not femme, dude. That's fucking erotic.
Femme as fuck. That's erotica 1.1.
That's femme as fuck. This dude is femme as fuck.

Speaker 3 All the boys are nodding. Suck it.
This guy is

Speaker 3 beta femme as fuck. Suck my dick.

Speaker 3 You know who I idolize? What? Guys, guys. Yeah, I know.
What's your guy? Harrison Ford. I know to Harrison Ford.
This is who I want to be. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Old, racist, angry.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 But if I was mixed, I would look better wait what did he say he called President Trump son of yes Harrison Ford's so cool son of a bitch son of a bitch Trump Harrison Ford's like this he's always out of breath he's like give me the goddamn box

Speaker 3 I love Harrison fucking Ford that guy's the boss I like him I like Clint Eastwood I like guys guys

Speaker 3 yeah I like Harrison you know why I like Harrison huh because apparently he doesn't like he'll like look at the a line in a movie because I'm not saying that love that he'll just he says it in his own way that's why if you watch a a Harris Informal movie, all the lines are very simple and direct.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 there's not a lot of fodder. No fat.
No fat. Yeah, and he's, you know, he's at that level where he's like, I'm not saying that.
If you and I have to say it.

Speaker 3 We not only have to say it, then they give us alts and we have to do all the alts. Right.
And no matter what the line is. Nope.
You know what I mean? Have to say it. Yeah.
Rape good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Or whatever. And you're like, I don't want to.
Say rape good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're like, say it. Yeah.
You gotta. Yeah.
Sorkin, Aaron Sorkin. What does Aaron Aaron Sorkin's like, say it?

Speaker 3 Aaron Sorgan hands me a script. I'm like, oh, Aaron, I he's like, you gotta say it.
I'm like, yeah. I have to say, the goddamn blacks are coming.
I don't want to say that. Let me ask you something.

Speaker 3 I've been thinking about. I don't know.
I want to know you better. Huh.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 And I want to talk to you, not as a comedian, but like we

Speaker 3 are in some sort of group. Like AA? Yeah, something like that.
Are you asking me to go to AA? No, no, you're not an alcoholic. No, but I am.

Speaker 3 Maybe.

Speaker 3 A little bit. A little bit.
Yeah, can't there be levels? Yeah, there is. What am I? I'm a functioning.
You're not Doc?

Speaker 3 So, you know what I mean? You're here. Doc's here.
We have to send him away. We have to send him away a little bit.
He's got to go to rehab.

Speaker 3 There might be an intervention. Should we do it on the show? Because I'm going to let everyone know.

Speaker 3 Might as well. This is the second time we're doing this podcast.
Well, we're doing it the next morning. He got a little saucy, and he interrupts a lot.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and we just kind of went, let's just do it tomorrow. Let's take a timeout.
We took a timeout, so we reset. So we love Doc.
We love him to death. He's going to be back.
He's going to be back.

Speaker 3 We just love him. We needed to reset today.
Yeah. But let me get to know you better.

Speaker 3 I don't know if certain things. I don't know if you believe in God.
I do believe in.

Speaker 3 I believe in a higher being. Really? Yes, but I don't believe in God.
It's not biblical. It's not biblical at all.

Speaker 3 I think it was a book written by a couple of guys. Do you believe in God because you have a fear of death? Or do you really believe? No, no, no.
I believe. Stop saying God.
Okay. I believe in.

Speaker 3 What else do you call it? I don't call it anything. Wonder Man.
Wonderman. Yeah, no, Cloud.
Wonderman, and an old Jewish God. Yeah, yeah.
Clyde Wonderman. Hello, I'm Mr.
Wonderman.

Speaker 3 Hello, it's me, Morty Wonderman. I'm your God.

Speaker 3 Welcome to heaven. No, I believe in a a being.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I believe in a thing, a spirit, a presence, an energy that is larger than we can wrap our fucking minute brains around.

Speaker 3 I don't think it's a man. I definitely don't think it's a human form.
The idea that we think that that's a human, it's like a guy like us, but a bigger one is bonkers. It's batshit crazy to me.

Speaker 3 I think it's a being.

Speaker 3 It's space. It's time.
It's energy. I think it's all these things, but we can't encapsulate it.
We like to view it as a guy because it helps us you know, make sense of it, but no, it's not a person.

Speaker 3 It's a fucking enemy. Do you believe in like a heaven when you die? I believe, no.
I don't think you go to a fucking cloudy place where people, you know, where like

Speaker 3 there's the piano being played in the middle. It wasn't so you and I can do good friends in heaven.

Speaker 3 We should go to hell and do better. No.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 The devil's like, suck each other's jacks. And we're like, you got it, Jevil.

Speaker 3 I got it. We get way better guests.

Speaker 3 Way better guests in hell. Are you kidding me? In heaven, who would we have? Like, you and I did a podcast in heaven.

Speaker 3 Obviously, we'd have to. We'd get Betty White.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's a good one. Fine.
She's not going to say anything fucked up and fun. Yeah, yeah.
We go to hell, and our guests are going to be who? What, Tupac? Tupac!

Speaker 3 You think he went to hell?

Speaker 3 Maybe not him.

Speaker 3 Who's the best guest we could get in hell? Satan. The guy that runs it.
The devil, but I bet you he's doing other shows. He's probably doing two bears, one cave.

Speaker 3 Yeah, right.

Speaker 3 He's probably busy doing fucking Segura. Maron.
He would probably do Maron before us. Maron talked.
I talked to Mark the other night at the store. Great guy.

Speaker 3 He had Keith Richards on again because Keith is, I forget what he said. He was promoting something.
But he's like, you know how surreal it is? He's like, you guys have a great podcast.

Speaker 3 You and Bob, that's cool. He's like, you guys don't do guests.
I said, no, we don't. We do it on our other shows.

Speaker 3 And he goes, you know how wild it would be if you guys had high-status guests on the show? And I was like, well, we could start at some point.

Speaker 3 He goes, goes talking to Keith Richards for 20 minutes he's like there was a moment that I like checked out and I remembered what I would feel like if I was a kid he's like it was it was fucking he was like it was beyond surreal we're not gonna get Keith Richards yeah I'm putting it out to the universe right now I know we're just not gonna get him come on Keith yeah come on Keith we're gonna we're gonna get the fucking guitars from some 41 Fuck yeah yeah we could get him I love that yeah we could get like we could get the drummer from Hootie and the Blowfish he went to my high school yeah yeah blowfish we get all of Blowfish, not Hootie.

Speaker 3 No, he's and the.

Speaker 3 Oh, and the.

Speaker 3 We're not going to get Keith. Nah.
Yeah. But, you know.
But we could get some great guests on this show if we really wanted to. Yeah, your friends.

Speaker 3 You have famous friends. I don't have your friends.
I don't have the kind of famous friends that you have. That's beyond not true.
Dude, I don't have a Blake Clark in my phone.

Speaker 3 Who the fuck is Blake Clark?

Speaker 3 The basketball player from the Clippers. The Griffin? Whatever.
Well, Blake Clark.

Speaker 3 Who is Blake Clark? Look up Blake Clark. Is he a guy? How funny if I also know this guy? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh, I do know Blake Clark. Who is Blake Clark? Them actor.
You know him too.

Speaker 3 You know this guy. No, he's a stand-up.
Yes. That's how I know Blake.

Speaker 3 So he is in my phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I want to say Blake is in my phone.

Speaker 3 Sorry, Blake Griffin. Griffin.
Griffin. Yeah.
So back to hell. Let's talk about who else would we get? On our pod from hell? Yeah, we're not going to get Satan.

Speaker 3 Well, so many people of God,

Speaker 3 so many easy. You know what I'd do? There's so many evil people, we would have to just do five of them at a time.
Pol Pot.

Speaker 3 Pol Pot, Vlog, and Vlad Taylor.

Speaker 3 Right? Genghis Khan. We'll just get them all in one shot.
Napoleon, you think Napoleon's in hell? You do? Yeah, yeah. The Spanish guy would.
He's in a little help. He's in.

Speaker 3 Little tiny hell.

Speaker 3 And Doc is like, Napoleon, send me a seat.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 You and I, on the other hand, legitimately, I'm not making a joke here. What? Go into hell.
No, I don't. I believe we're going to go to a way station.

Speaker 3 A way station? Like a truck stop yeah like a truck stop

Speaker 3 No, there is a truck stop like an Area area. Yes, yeah, it's called it's called purgatory purgatory.

Speaker 3 I call it truck stop same yeah, and we would be in purgatory and I think we would argue I think we'd be able to argue argue our way into heaven. Well, you and I are so good at that.
That is so good.

Speaker 3 I'll suck. I'll say it.
I'll suck your dick. No, we would just shut out.
I would suck dick. Is this purgatory? That is

Speaker 3 angels trying to grab you and devils trying to pull you. I'll just be, I suck, because they're looking up, I suck your dick.
Can you imagine, you know what we would do? 69.

Speaker 3 Have you ever seen this before?

Speaker 3 We can 69 and we would do cartwheels. Yeah, we have to die at the same time then.
So? You think we're not going to die at the same time? I think we will. That's how the show ends.

Speaker 3 We're going to die in Moontower.

Speaker 3 Come see us.

Speaker 3 See us because that's going to be our last show. I want to do a 69 with you and do cartwheels as we 69.
You think that won't get us in?

Speaker 3 Yeah, and then God's up there with all his buddies laughing, dying, going, we're going to let you.

Speaker 3 I was going to let them in, but they're just doing this. Let's just watch this.
But it's it's good for entertainment.

Speaker 3 It's rolling around, sucking each other's dick, and then we get to heaven, and they're gonna all like, ah, you didn't have to do that. And we're like, we know, we wanted to.
We knew, we wanted to.

Speaker 3 It was fun for us. Yeah.
Now we got good tape. Do you think when you get, okay, let me ask you then.
Let's go deep.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to go deep. I know, we keep diverting.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, I do believe in a spirit, a science, a thing.
The Holy Ghost. Do you believe in a man in the sky?

Speaker 3 No, I believe the same thing you do. I don't believe in a religious Western.
It's not a guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not a guy. And I think that God, because, what, they've had 300 sun gods, right?

Speaker 3 Or something like that in our history of the world. Who's sun god? You mean like

Speaker 3 pagan gods? Like Buddhists believe in no, like, you know, like Egyptian religion, right?

Speaker 3 Rain god, sun gods. The same

Speaker 3 god of war. No.

Speaker 3 God of clouds.

Speaker 3 These are gods based on the sun and astrology and stuff, right? That's what Egyptian Christianity is as well. You know what what I mean?

Speaker 3 And I believe that God looks down and goes, I'm Muslim, Jews, you're going to help them kids.

Speaker 3 I believe it's all under one umbrella. He likes, he gets it.
He doesn't care about, why would God be vain? Like, call me whatever. Just believe in something good.
Right. Right?

Speaker 3 Just don't be afraid he's fickle in that way, do you? How could it just, it's insane. It's insane.

Speaker 3 There's been billions and billions, trillions and trillions of people that have lived on planet Earth that never even had God.

Speaker 3 Right. What did they have? Nothing.
nothing nothing some of them had nothing yeah do you think

Speaker 3 when god made you

Speaker 3 oh my god you're gonna insult me no you're about to attack no

Speaker 3 i'll answer it authentically and sincerely do you think when when the the being that created humans do you think you were done in a timely fashion or do you think he so i i think i know where you're going let me can i guess where you're going i know do you think he chose every element that exists on your body, or do you think a few things fall through the cracks?

Speaker 3 Look at it like this. Do you think, look,

Speaker 3 go bring back up your picture of your boyfriend that you love. What's his name? Tony Thornberg.
Tony Thornberg. Yeah.
Do you think when God made Tony Thornberg,

Speaker 3 do you think he put the same kind of care into Tony Fernando? Okay, so I believe this. I believe that I was a part of.
Look at Tony, by the way. Look at Tony.
Yeah, I believe, I know.

Speaker 3 I believe I was a part of a mass production.

Speaker 3 You were like a. So he made a billion of the same one.
He's a Ferrari, you're a Ford. Right.
Yeah, he's more specific. And God went, yeah, just throw them all down there, right? But you came out okay.

Speaker 3 No, but I landed on Earth and I went, God, you didn't give me a specific, like a long nose or a bubbly butt. You know what I mean? That'd be cool if I had a long nose and a bubbly butt.

Speaker 3 You got a cute butt. Yeah, yeah, but

Speaker 3 if I had like a Brazilian butt.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. I would have tan lines.
I would. I would have tan lines and I would like,

Speaker 3 I'd be be at a resort. I would just pull all my pants down and just lay on my stomach tanning.

Speaker 3 And just all the dudes walking by going, oh, look at that ass. And then me go, what's up? And with my mustache.
And still, they'd go, yeah, what is up? Yeah, yeah. And look at his face.

Speaker 3 He's got that long nose. Yeah, yeah.
It's this big. It's, yeah, I want a Pinocchio nose.
You want a foot foot long?

Speaker 3 So I think I was a part of a mass production. Yeah.
But I went, you know what? I can, I'm going to change this. So I ate a bunch of carbs.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? I ate some noodles, pasta, rice,

Speaker 3 to make my body the way it is. It looks good.

Speaker 3 Thank you. I think you look good.

Speaker 3 And I think that I, you know, went, you know, I'm going to, you know what, fuck you. I'm going to, not fuck you, dude.

Speaker 3 No, just in general. I'm saying it to the world.
Do you think when you're on your deathbed, do you think you're going to pray for God?

Speaker 3 Did your dad say anything about God before he died? No, but they say most people find God on the deathbed. He saw things, though.
Like what, people? Yeah, he would like, he'd be, you know, well,

Speaker 3 he would just be like, oh,

Speaker 3 at all.

Speaker 3 To you guys? No, I'll put somewhere. What if he's looking at you? He just, his eyes are up.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 No. Had all.
No, no. And he would look at something in the room that wasn't there and like speak Korean to it.
Really? Yeah. Was he on, he was on.

Speaker 3 Yeah, maybe. But he was on drugs.
Maybe, I don't know, but he was. Because they put him on

Speaker 3 stuff. My grandfather was telling my dad to get the cats out of his room.

Speaker 3 He's like, get these goddamn cats out of the fucking room. Really? And my dad was like, there's no cats in here, Jim.
My dad was like, bring cats, Walkie.

Speaker 3 Eat all cats. Stop me.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I'm kidding. Do you think you're going to find God? Do you think you're going to...
I believe in God. No, no, no, pray for God when you're about to die? Yeah.
Because they do say people do that.

Speaker 3 We talked about it on the show, like the last words of atheists, and everyone does say they do all go, oh my God, I made a mistake. But do you feel like they're like, I'm being pulled up or down?

Speaker 3 I definitely think you get pulled. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it doesn't indicate. What a bummer if you go to hell.
What if hell is up and heaven is down and we just fucked it up? We're upside down.

Speaker 3 Why would he do that? Oh, God. Why would he do that? Why not? A big prank.

Speaker 3 What do you mean? We made up what we think is up and down. What if we guessed wrong? What if hell is in the sky and heaven is down in the core of the earth?

Speaker 3 Yeah, but heaven and hell is just based on night and day. That's why they created it.
I know. Versus evil.
It's Star Wars. And why is good good and why is evil evil?

Speaker 3 What's that? Check it out. What's that poem? I've been trying to about

Speaker 3 it's a Vietnamese poem about, it says, like, you know, I'm the butterfly. Mang Gao, Sang Gao.

Speaker 3 Is that it?

Speaker 3 But it's English. Oh.
I could do it in Vietnamese.

Speaker 3 Charlie.

Speaker 3 I can do that, but. Charlie.
Charlie, yeah.

Speaker 3 I can't do. Is this it? We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely it

Speaker 3 was my answer. No, it's just, it's not, there's no butterfly in it.
Well, you said butterfly in the future. I know.
I'll just give you an example of what the structure of the poem is. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 3 So basically, you know what I mean? It's basically, I am, you know what I mean, the grasshopper that lay that sits on the leaf, right?

Speaker 3 I'm also the snake that eats the grasshopper. Oh.
You know what I mean? I'm the

Speaker 3 12-year-old refugee, you know what I mean, on the boat. You know what I mean? That's scared.
You know what I mean? And I'm also the pirate that rapes her.

Speaker 3 That's in the poem? That's in the poem. I'm the pirate that rapes her, whatever, right? Try to find that poem for me.
But it's like... Butterfly, pirate, refugee.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but we're

Speaker 3 hydro. I got it.
You? They gave me one. I got one at the house.
I love it so very much. It's incredible.
And I'm rowing in the morning and it wakes me up and gets me juiced. Well, what is it?

Speaker 3 What is it? Hydro is your ultimate go-to for ultimate full-body workout.

Speaker 3 How ultimate is it? You may ask. It works 86% of your muscles, arms, legs, and core, twice as efficient as cycling or running.
Just 20 minutes, all it takes to feel the results. And this is true.

Speaker 3 I do it for 15 to 20 minutes in the morning, and I feel so good for the rest of the day. People have seen traditional old rowers, the old ways are gone.

Speaker 3 Hydro's newest rower, the Hydro Arc, delivers such powerful results. GQ magazine named it the best rower of 2025, and I agree.
You've convinced me I'm getting a hydro today. We should get you one.

Speaker 3 Head over to hydro.com and use code Bad Friends to save up to $600 off on a hydro rower during this holiday season. That's hydro.
H-Y-D-R-O-W h-y-d-r-o-w.com.

Speaker 3 Code of course is bad friends to save up to $600.

Speaker 3 Hydro.com code is Bad Friends.

Speaker 3 More rewards, more savings.

Speaker 2 With American Express Business Gold, earn up to $395 back in annual statement credits on eligible purchases at select shipping, food delivery, and retail subscription merchants.

Speaker 2 Enjoy the benefits of membership with the Amex Business Gold Card.

Speaker 3 Terms apply.

Speaker 2 Learn more at AmericanExpress.com/slash business dash gold. Amex Business Gold Cart built for business by American Express.

Speaker 3 Babel!

Speaker 3 You guys, I've, you know, I'm a smart guy and I want to learn languages. I'm a worldly traveler.
Yep. And the way I'm doing it is through Babel.

Speaker 3 I'm a stupid guy, and I'm also looking to be a worldly traveler and learn languages. And Babel has 15-minute lessons that make it the perfect way to learn a new language on the go.

Speaker 3 These other language learning apps, they use AI for the lesson plans. But Babel, these lessons were created by over 100 language experts.

Speaker 3 Their teaching method has been scientifically proven to be effective, Andrew. True.
With Babel, you can choose from 14 different languages, including Spanish, French, Italian, and German.

Speaker 3 That's only four. Dasas good.
Dasa gut.

Speaker 3 Plus Babel's speech recognition technology helps you improve your pronunciation and accent.

Speaker 3 There are so many ways to learn with Babel. In addition to lessons, you can access podcasts, games, videos, stories, and even live classes.
Plus, it comes with a 20-day money-back guarantee.

Speaker 3 Start your new language learning journey today with Babel, guys. Right now, save up to 65% off your subscription when you go to babel.com slash bad friends.

Speaker 3 That's babble.com slash bad friends for up to 65% off your subscription.

Speaker 3 Babel, language for life.

Speaker 3 Upstart. Andrew, I hate that.
I got so much. It stresses me out.
Me too. Yeah.
But there's a solution. What is it? Upstart? Upstart? Yeah, man.
What is that?

Speaker 3 What would you do if you didn't have high interest loans or credit card debt, Andrew? I'd feel so good.

Speaker 3 Dude, dude, with Upstart, you can pay off your existing debt quickly and easily and start living your life. No way.

Speaker 3 If you're carrying a credit card balance month after month, it can feel like you're in a never-ending cycle of debt. Bob and I have both talked about being in debt before when I started comedy.

Speaker 3 It was bad. And if you dread looking at those statements, you're not alone.
The way to debt can be crippling, but Upstart can help you on your path to financial freedom.

Speaker 3 Upstart is the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with personal loan online. Ooh, that's cool.

Speaker 3 Whether it's paying off credit cards, consolidating high interest debt, or funding personal expenses, over a million people have used Upstart to get one fixed monthly payment with a clear payoff date.

Speaker 3 Hey, Bob, okay, if I was going to check my rate without impacting my credit score admins for loans, how big could they be? Upstart, baby. Upstart loans could go from what? $1,000 to how much?

Speaker 3 Just do it. $50,000? Yeah, man.
That's incredible. Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payment today when you go to upstart.com slash bad friends.
That's upstart.com slash bad friends.

Speaker 3 Don't forget to use our URL to let them know we sent you. Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit income and certain other information providing your loan application.
Upstart.com slash

Speaker 3 friends.

Speaker 3 I am the 12-year-old girl the refugee on a small boat who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate i am the pirate my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving wow yeah but the whole poem is amazing who wrote that poem

Speaker 3 call me call me my by my true name yeah call me by my true name thick nhat ha yeah he just died he did thick nhat han yeah he was a uh a a a monk in vietnam he was hold on let's let's read the poem the dude hung out with martin luther king

Speaker 3 okay so it's here's let's read the poem i'll read

Speaker 3 I'll read the whole thing.

Speaker 3 But can you zoom it in and do it in a thick Vietnamese accent? Because I need to know. I can't do Vietnamese, can I? You were just doing fine.
Whatever Asian accent.

Speaker 3 You know, the real reason.

Speaker 3 I will.

Speaker 3 Depart tomorrow. Oh, shit, dead fan.
Even today.

Speaker 3 I'm still stuck.

Speaker 3 No, don't say that I will depart tomorrow. Even today, I am still arriving.
I am the frog side. I am the Mayfly metamorphosing.
Oh, that's what it is.

Speaker 3 Start up, start, start up, go ahead. I am the the mayfly metamorphosing.
I am on the surface of the river, and I am the bird that swoops down to swallow the mayfly.

Speaker 3 I am the frog swimming happily in the clear water of a pond, and I am the grass snake that silently feeds itself on the frog.

Speaker 3 I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, my legs as thin as bamboo sticks, and I am the arms merchant selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

Speaker 3 I am the 12-year-old girl refugee on a small boat who throws herself into the ocean being raped by a sea pirate. I am the pirate.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 So basically, we were all those things. We are both.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You are Korean, but you're also Irish.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're Korean as well.
I'm Irish, but I'm also Korean. Yeah, because your dick is so small.
Smaller than yours. That's pretty.

Speaker 3 That's right. That's the barometer.
That's the guy right there, dude. There he is.
Rest in peace. He just passed away.
I think it was 92 when he died. Tom Ka Soup, is that was his name?

Speaker 3 Thick Nan Ha. Same thing.

Speaker 3 It's not the same thing. What you said was a dish that you eat in a soup.
I love Tom Ka Soup. Yeah, yeah.
It's so good.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Thick Nan Ha is.

Speaker 3 He just died. By the the way, shout out to Thai food, one of my favorites, dude.
I fuck with Thai.

Speaker 3 And thank you, Thick, for making it. Shout out to Thai food.
Shout out to Thick Nan Ha for making poetry and Thai food. What's your favorite Thai dish?

Speaker 3 I like the clear

Speaker 3 clear broth. No, I like their coconut-like soup.
Oh, yeah. That's clear.
Oh, yeah. Do you like with tofu or no? I put some tofu in it, though.
I'll throw some fucking tofu in there.

Speaker 3 But for Asian food, it's not my favorite. Thai? Yeah, because it's...

Speaker 3 You don't like the people. Oh, I love the people.
I love Thai food. What do I like? I like mango.

Speaker 3 Chutney. Yeah, yeah.
When I was in Thai, because I've been there. I lived there for ⁇ not lived there, but I was there for two months.
That's a good amount of time. Yeah, and

Speaker 3 the area I lived in had

Speaker 3 restaurants that were like, you know, just meat that just hanging, you know what I mean? And flies.

Speaker 3 And so I just, I loved Thai food before I went there. And then you saw it.

Speaker 3 I saw what? You saw how it was made. No, I'm just saying, I just, it just kind of turned me off.
Yeah, because you saw how it was fucking made. You saw how the sausage was made.
Yeah, maybe.

Speaker 3 I don't know. Have you ever seen how sausage is made? Do you like sausages? You do.
Like, what kind of sausage?

Speaker 3 Any kind of sausage. You like peeling.
I don't want you to show me a video of like little chickens getting ground up. Let's take a look.

Speaker 3 Can you and I go make sausage somewhere? Can we go to like a sausage forest? Yeah, but what's in the tube? Ground-up meat. Yeah, but can you put like, what's the outer shelling of it?

Speaker 3 That's pig intestines.

Speaker 3 Shit. That's what the casing is.
Really? 100%.

Speaker 3 So basically, you can jam ground beef

Speaker 3 into the intestines of the intestine of a pig.

Speaker 3 So when I'm slicing... Not all pork casing is that, but look, it'll tell you.
Casing is the material that in, what?

Speaker 3 Yeah, pig intestines. It's sheep, pig, goats, cattle, sometimes horses.
Yum, yum. Like, I heard bully sticks was bulldog.
It's uh, yeah, it is petrified penises. Yeah, bully sticks.

Speaker 3 You give that to your dogs? I get it.

Speaker 3 No, I give it to my dogs, but then it's like it stinks. Yeah, my dog stubs will go underneath our bed sheets and just chew on bully sticks.
Dude, they stink so much.

Speaker 2 And then at two in the morning, you're like, did she just queef? Yeah.

Speaker 3 My girlfriend? I mean, that's a queef. Queefs do smell like bully sticks.

Speaker 3 Dear bully sticks. sticks.
Change the smell. Yeah.
When they get really wet and they put them underneath a couch or a bed or something and they sit for a while and it's dude, it fucking reeks. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Old penis smells, turns out.

Speaker 3 Oh my God, I saw an article this morning in bed about a woman who did meth with her boyfriend and she fucking kicked a Wisconsin woman and she killed the dude, dismembered him, and put his head and his penis in a bucket together because she said he was a dickhead.

Speaker 3 That's what she told the cops.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I saw her. I saw her.
Discovery's son's severed head and bucket.

Speaker 3 This is how gross I am. When I first saw that photo, I'm pretty hot.
Right. I went, she's hot.
So then I googled her and just looked through her thing, and she's not. That's a good angle.

Speaker 3 No, but keep going down. They show a bunch of photos of her.
At least they didn't. That's a really good angle on her.
On the post this morning. But you know what's so funny about that is

Speaker 3 she explained to the police that she was like,

Speaker 3 they were like, why did you do it? She's like, it's a good question. She didn't, she was like, I got blacked out, choked him, killed him, cut up his shit.
Yeah. Put his legs outside.

Speaker 3 She talked about it like it was saying, like, I went to go get coffee. Yeah.
It's crazy how easily people can murder people. Yeah, just don't chop up the dick.
Don't chop up the dick.

Speaker 3 If I'm killed by her and she chops my dick off and I go to heaven, will I still have my penis

Speaker 3 up there? This is her holding your penis.

Speaker 3 If they cut off your dick on earth, you don't have to. What is that? A Swiss Army knife? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Look, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it.
No, if they cut off your penis on earth, yes, you don't have it in the afterlife. You're done.
Oh, that's terrible. You got to have all your body.

Speaker 3 Another lady, right, did this, right? She chopped her man's dick off, right? He dies, right? And then, like, a day later,

Speaker 3 she lights the dick on fire.

Speaker 3 You imagine he's in heaven. Right, so he's in heaven, just I'm in heaven.
Ah!

Speaker 3 I mean, do you think that happened? He's talking to a buddy. He's like, no, so in my last couple of days on earth, oh, my God!

Speaker 3 Oh, my God! You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 3 And his buddy's blowing on his, he's like, blow up! Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not working because it's an honor.

Speaker 3 I think, well, dude, listen. Now, now this is better.
Sexy. No, her body.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 3 No, she got a nice boobers. Oh, she has nice boobies.

Speaker 3 You're right. She's got huge Ganakas.
Right. If you go down a little bit, there's more photos of her that she took.
It's amazing. She just told the cop, look at it.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 You like that look? Cholo. Yeah, she's a Cholo.
She looks like it. No, she's not.
She's fucking Wisconsin. She's like a white chick from Wisconsin.

Speaker 3 Do you own a gun?

Speaker 3 Do I own a gun?

Speaker 3 I do.

Speaker 3 Where?

Speaker 3 At my place of residence? Solana.

Speaker 3 I might keep that thing on me. Yeah, yeah.
Do you really have a gun? I do. Is it a safe? It's safe.

Speaker 3 Is it on like a compressor or like your nightstand or whatever? Or is it underneath the car? It's right next to my television.

Speaker 3 Really? Yeah. What if your dog went woo-woo?

Speaker 3 I just caught himself. Gotta get a new dog.

Speaker 3 Do you really do you have a license for it? I have a license to drive.

Speaker 3 I know, but you have a license for the thing.

Speaker 3 No, I don't have a handgun. Yeah.
I have a shotgun. Do you realize you have

Speaker 3 a shotgun?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I know what a shotgun. You don't have to make the sound effect.

Speaker 3 I've seen enough fucking movies. I know what it is.
You do one. Let me hear you do a shotgun.

Speaker 3 That's a cool shotgun. Thank you.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 It's a side-by-side.

Speaker 3 All I was going to say is

Speaker 3 just a little side tidbit. In Japan.

Speaker 3 Uh-oh.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 In Japan? In Japan, there are 70,000 people

Speaker 3 over the age of 100.

Speaker 3 No way. Google that.
How many people are over the age of 100 in Japan?

Speaker 3 70,000? Maybe I got the wrong. Maybe it's 7.
7,000? No, it could be 7. I don't know.
I think I read it wrong, but. No.
79,000 people are at or over the age of 100. Let's move to Japan, bud.

Speaker 3 Look at that shit. Do you know why that is? I I do.
Why? There's several reasons. Diet.
Diet. That's number one.
Clean, but it's also community.

Speaker 3 The love.

Speaker 3 Yeah, like if you go to the island of Okinawa. Love Okinawa.
Right? Like, if, you know, your kid is running down the street, you're completely safe because everyone

Speaker 3 in the neighborhood, in the community, is their parent. Because there's no whites on the island.
That's exactly what I wanted to say. Thank you for saying that.
I knew you were thinking. Yeah.

Speaker 3 There's no white. If you're a white dude, it ruins the whole thing.
There's no whites. Yeah, they're all just chained up in a fucking cage.

Speaker 3 No, no, when we come, where Japanese people love us, that we just have to leave.

Speaker 3 What do you mean? As soon as we're done, they're like, go home. Yeah.
We have to. I went to the Okinawan Island chains.
I went to Ishigake. Did you really? Yeah, Ishigake.

Speaker 3 One of the most beautiful islands I've ever seen in my life. Look up Ishigake.
Show them what it looks like. The water is clear as fuck.
It's so far south, it's almost like tropical. Ishigake.

Speaker 3 Look at that. That's where I went.
Oh, my God. It's beautiful.
Ishigake. It was so fun.
There you are. There I am.

Speaker 3 It was so fun, man. That looks beautiful, dude.
Ishigake Nishigaki was amazing. Is there a resort there?

Speaker 3 No, we stayed at a regular hotel.

Speaker 3 Is it nice, though?

Speaker 3 No. Yeah.
Dude, I'm not fancy.

Speaker 3 Let me ask you this. On the road.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You know how sometimes you go on the road and they're like, you're going to stay in the condo. No, I'm not.
I know exactly. That's what I said.
Yeah, no, I'm not.

Speaker 3 You've never even.

Speaker 3 No, I have in my past.

Speaker 3 As a young comic. Of course.
I've stayed in all of them. Yeah.
Yeah, I've stayed in every one of them. But now they go.
No. Yeah.
What do they say? When they say, you have to stay in the condo. No.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 No. Okay.
I won't come. So I won't come.
Oh, we'll just give you, how hold it. We'll give you an extra $100 and now you can get your hotel.
No, more. How much?

Speaker 3 But I think the four seasons is like $6.50 a night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No. No, you know what? I've been playing theaters.
You have to book your own, you do your own hotels. They don't have.

Speaker 3 You know the condo at the comedy store? The La Jolla. Yeah.
So when I was a kid, like in 1996, right?

Speaker 3 I stayed in the condo with this guy, Stephen Moore. You don't know him.

Speaker 3 And he's in the 60s at this time or whatever.

Speaker 3 He goes, Bob,

Speaker 3 you have no idea what happened in April of 82 in this condo. No, fuck, I don't want to hear it because I've stayed there.
No, I want to tell you.

Speaker 3 I go, and I was scared because I'm staying there, right, in the little room with the twin beds. I don't know if they still have that little.

Speaker 3 Yes, they do.

Speaker 3 Yeah. And one of the beds that's like lopsided, so you're sleeping at an angle.
It's on phone books. They fucking lifted it up on phone books.

Speaker 3 So he goes,

Speaker 3 so me and Brian Bradley, another comic from San Francisco, right?

Speaker 3 We played here in 82 or 83, whatever it was. And he goes, we went to this gay bar and we just, come on, let's go to the condo.
And so I swear to God, there was like 80 guys in this condo, right?

Speaker 3 And we did a train.

Speaker 3 from the fucking master bedroom to the twin thing, right? And I'm just going, oh, I'm going to go to the hotel.

Speaker 3 Because now everything felt like sticky and it's musky. It just didn't feel right.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So you will never stay there again.

Speaker 3 No, I dude, no. I haven't stayed the last bunch of times I've gone just because it's sad.
The condos a little

Speaker 3 sad. It makes you feel dirty.
Yeah,

Speaker 3 there's this weird Smurf color. Yeah.
Well, they've changed it. Apparently they did a redo on it.
Because back in the day, it was like the color of Papa Smurf.

Speaker 3 Everywhere. Everywhere.
The carpet, the fucking bedding, everything. That condo is where the Dingleberry happened.
What Dingleberry? Do you remember the Dingleberry? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's where the Dingleberry happened, man.

Speaker 3 I feel bad because it's like, I don't want to shame. Who had a Dingleberry that we have? So I met a girl,

Speaker 3 and she moved.

Speaker 3 I was at a club in the Midwest. Met a girl.
She came out to LA. And I go, I'm playing La Jolla.
You should come with me.

Speaker 3 All right. And she's, so we're in the condo, and she brought her guitar.
Of course, right? And I was there with two other comics, and she's like, I read a song. I'm jumping off the roof.

Speaker 3 Yeah, exactly. And I'm just like blushing, going, please don't play it.
Yeah. And she pulls and she's like, Happiness, and I love the ones that love me too.
Or whatever. I like that song.

Speaker 3 It's a great song, right? And I go, Happiness is. We're all singing along, like, and all the comics are looking at me like, what the fuck with this one?

Speaker 3 So I finally, like, that night, we, I turned the, I like to make love in the light.

Speaker 3 You like the lights on? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Always? Always.

Speaker 3 I don't know. You never like it in the dark.
I don't like it. Huh.
Yeah. I like the lights on.
Do your partners like it more in the dark? No, they like it off. Yeah, they want the dark.

Speaker 3 They don't want to see me.

Speaker 3 So, um.

Speaker 3 They don't want Liu Kang on top of them? Right, so I'm having sex with this girl. I feel so bad about even telling the story.
Should I even tell it? Oh, yeah. You didn't say her name.
Exactly.

Speaker 3 And she probably has no fucking. This was 20 years ago.
Even longer, probably. Well, somewhat.

Speaker 3 And so I'm doing her from the doggy.

Speaker 3 Did they still call it the doggy? They still call it the doggy? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 We're having sex doggy style. Okay, doggy.
You're not doing the doggy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but that's how I call it. That's how Doc would say it.
Yeah. Yeah, we were doing the dog.

Speaker 3 Anyway, I was doing the doggy style.

Speaker 3 That sounds even worse. Yeah, that sounds way worse.
And I smelled.

Speaker 3 Well, it's the first. So she starts talking about like...
Let me guess.

Speaker 3 Let me take it. No, but what I'm having, she starts talking about, you know, I think you're my soulmate.
While you're fucking? Yeah. And she's like.
Wrong time.

Speaker 3 And she's like, you know, I just had a vision that you and I had kids.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. In the middle of sex.
In the middle of sex. And I'm doing like, shut the fuck up.
You know what I'm saying? Like, in my mind.

Speaker 3 It's funny to think that you're working really hard and she's just not even moving. She's like, you know, I was also thinking about going.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You know, I don't know, going to get a marriage license or something.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and she also brought up like paperwork and she had taxes, and it was weird.

Speaker 3 So, um, can you notarize this, Bob? Yeah, she's like, I'm thinking about I had this vision and I smell

Speaker 3 poo, right?

Speaker 3 So, I took my two thumbs, as you do, yeah, and I spread open her cheeks,

Speaker 3 right?

Speaker 3 And you know how, like, in a woman's butt, any butt, there's like rogue hair,

Speaker 3 right? There's like two hairs like,

Speaker 3 we spawned in the wrong spot. Yeah, what are we doing? Yeah, yeah.
I told you, Johnny, to go on the head. Right? On the top of the head, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah, and they ended up growing on the asshole. They're like, I guess this is our line.
It's the last time we take math questions. Yeah, yeah.
He's sad or whatever, right?

Speaker 3 And the other one's like, I'm going to grab a piece of shit on the top. That's exactly what I was thinking.

Speaker 3 So he grabbed it, right, as a meal. He put it all over his face.
No, he didn't even break it down. He just left a ball.
It was like a ball like this. I'll eat this later.

Speaker 3 So I'm doing like this, and I go, oh, what the fuck? Right?

Speaker 3 And in my head, I'm like, she's like, I had a vision. I had a vision of going to fucking CVS and getting toilet paper, bitch.

Speaker 3 And I, and I,

Speaker 3 oh, you flicked the dingle. You flicked it out, right? And I saw it visually fly away.
Wow. So problem solved.
Yeah, but then I. Dingle flicker.

Speaker 3 You know, yeah, like I'm never surprised. And I never answered her phone again after that trip.
Nothing. That's mean.
Did you tell her she had a dingle? Wipe her ass. Did you tell her she had a dress?

Speaker 3 Wipe her ass. Did you tell her she had a dingle? No.
Well, then, how could she ever know? The polite thing would have been to say. Let me ask you a question.
I don't want to see you again.

Speaker 3 Can I ask you a question? Sure. Do you have a dingle in your butt right now?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 Exactly. I just shot.
I think we all know.

Speaker 3 Right? If I had a little piece of shit in between my crack, I think I would know.

Speaker 3 I think you would know. Yeah.
That being said,

Speaker 3 what if she had just gone to the bathroom? She hadn't wiped your head. All right, how do you say it? I'm the girl.
Okay. We're just done making love, doing the doggy style.

Speaker 3 Right. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 I still have those visions

Speaker 3 of getting married. Yeah.
Yeah, right on. I loved my visions.
You had poop in your butt.

Speaker 3 That rats! You got to let them know. Really? Let me be softer.
We'll do it.

Speaker 3 I'll be a little softer. I don't think you would do it that way.
You're right. I'll do it softer.
So, anyway. Oh, God.
Man, that was good. Can I sing you a song about our makeup?

Speaker 3 You had a piece of shit in your ass while we were fucking. That's the same thing.

Speaker 3 Try to do it in the most delicate way.

Speaker 3 Think, okay, think that I'm a fragile girl. Yeah.
I'm not in show business. I'm not tough.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how much it's

Speaker 3 written down by the world. Right? So it's like, oh, God, that was good.

Speaker 3 Wow. Happiness in you is the happiness.
Oh, I love that song. Thank you.
Can I tell you something? What?

Speaker 3 I love making love to you. Thank you.
And I loved you just doing the doggy style with me. That was my favorite, too.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 this is going to sound strange. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Before we have sex next time,

Speaker 3 you think we can shower together? That's how you do it. I love showering before we have sex.
Sure. But you know what? I never wash my asshole.
Really?

Speaker 3 Yeah, so I'll shower. I'll shampoo my hair.
How about this? Yeah. Can I wash it for you? Because I love to pamper my girl.
No, because I have a friend down there, named Raul.

Speaker 3 Oh, you have a little helper? Well, I have two renegade hairs. Oh, okay.
Right? That accidentally grew there. Oh.
They meant to go on the arms, the legs, and the head, but they got lost. Oh.

Speaker 3 So they grew out of my anus, and they eat. They eat a lot.
And they happen to eat poo. Well, let me tell you something.
What was your name again?

Speaker 3 What was your name again? What?

Speaker 3 Deborah. Well, listen, Deb.

Speaker 3 Yeah?

Speaker 3 I don't really care. I love you the way you are.
Thank you. So I'll be right back, okay? Don't go anywhere.
Okay, but I'm going to be bent over here.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 3 And she's now bent over

Speaker 3 with her button. With her asshole spread open.
Dingles a face. And she's there for three days.
Yeah. Good job.
She dies like that.

Speaker 3 Hello, Fresh.

Speaker 3 Man, I like fresh food delivered to my door. Dude, when HelloFresh is at my front doorstep, I get my mouth all watering.
You dance. I love it.
I love it. Your little feet go up and down.

Speaker 3 With HelloFresh, you can get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients, and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store, Bob.

Speaker 3 Count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit.

Speaker 3 Dude, HelloFresh delivers pre-portioned ingredients to your door, including Farm Fresh produce that arrives within a week, so you get convenience without skimping on quality.

Speaker 3 Skip the trip to the grocery store, Andrew, like you said,

Speaker 3 saving you the weight in long lines and ensuring that you don't waste money on excess food. That's right, man.

Speaker 3 Warm yourself up the inside out this winter with limited recipes inspired by cozy classics from around the world, like beef tenneloin, and cheese fondue. Ooh, or miso, sesame, shrimp, and bacon ramen.

Speaker 3 My goodness, this is good. I've cooked HelloFresh for years now.
Before they were on the show, I've been eating their stuff, and it's so fun, so easy to do because they tell you all the measurements.

Speaker 3 It's delicious. Hello, Fresh.
Well, I want to add this: HelloFresh is 72% cheaper than a restaurant meal of the same quality. And I think that's very key.
Well, guys, you need to do this.

Speaker 3 Go to hellofresh.com/slash bad friend16 and use the code badfriend16 for up to 16 free meals and three free gifts. HelloFresh.com slash bad friend16 for 16 free meals and three free gifts.

Speaker 3 HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Headspace.
Headspace. Has your mind been sprinting for years on end, leaving trails of stress, anxiety, and fatigue that are eroding your mental health?

Speaker 3 I got to tell you something. I lose sleep at night all the time because my anxiety and I'm overthinking.
My brain is firing.

Speaker 3 And if you're nodding along, yes, it's time to adopt small daily practices that will have a huge impact on your long-term happiness and well-being. And it's easy to to learn with Headspace.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 We all say fine. We don't mean it, right? I always say fine, fine, fine.
How are you feeling? I'm fine. Fine.
Fine isn't really an emotion, is it? No.

Speaker 3 How many times have you told yourself you're fine when all you've really felt is anger or sadness or nerves? You're talking right to me.

Speaker 3 In fact, a recent study proved that in two weeks, Headspace can reduce your stress by 14%.

Speaker 3 Dude, whether you want to relieve stress and anxiety, sleep better, or improve your focus, Headspace is your everyday dose of mindfulness for real life. I love this stuff, man.

Speaker 3 I do love this stuff, man. Headspace is great because I got to tell you something.
I like to meditate. I know you like to meditate.

Speaker 3 Taking time out of my day to do a little bit of meditation to clear up the old noggin truly does put me in a better, say it, headspace. Headspace.

Speaker 3 And also, guys, I'm telling you right now, this stuff works. Try.
Try it out.

Speaker 3 However, you're feeling, try Headspace at headspace.com/slash bad friends and get one month for free of their entire mindfulness library. This is the best Headspace offer available.

Speaker 3 So go to headspace.com/slash bad friends today. Headspace.com/slash slash bad friends.

Speaker 3 Would you rather get hung or guillotined?

Speaker 3 Guillotine, because it's instant. I think hanging is instant, though.
No way, dude. Your neck breaks, you cuts off circulation.
You feel it. You're like, what? You're feeling it happen.

Speaker 3 Well, but what if a guillotine is like, Scott? What if a guillotine is dull? And it's

Speaker 3 halfway through your neck and you're still alive. Like, what the fuck? And they're all cracking up.
They're like,

Speaker 3 try it again. Sharpen it.

Speaker 3 I would much rather guillotine, though. You want to be hung? You always love a show.
You love a show. Because I'm going to do a funny.
I know, you're going to do a dance while you're hungry.

Speaker 3 No, I'm just going to do a funny guillotine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's going to, ah, ah, yeah. Bobby's pinching his nipples while he's being hung.
I'll probably do my act.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 You're like, oh, when Bobby was a little boy,

Speaker 3 he was the last of my arrival. No, like, I would do hacky stuff like, what is up with airplanes? While you're hanging and dying?

Speaker 3 That would be terrible. Either way.
I think I would do, I'd do guillotine.

Speaker 3 you're gone immediately. Yeah, the worst is fire, but you can't have an open casket though

Speaker 3 I don't I don't want one. Oh, I do my grandma just passed away We had to go to the wake

Speaker 3 is open

Speaker 3 Yeah, at Irish wakes you the way at an Irish wake the day before the funeral Did you kiss her?

Speaker 3 No, you know what's so fucked up and I'm not making any jokes right now I never have ever liked seeing people of anybody I've lost in my life. I hate fucking seeing them when they're dead.

Speaker 3 So I avoid it like crazy the whole time I'm at those things, I don't want to look at it. I fucking hate going near it.
But I will say this time, and I'm being serious, I'm not making any jokes.

Speaker 3 For the first time ever, as we were leaving, I went to go say goodbye, and the room was cleared. My uncle was standing against the wall by himself.

Speaker 3 And I went up to the casket, and for the first time in my entire life, I was like at ease with it because I realized it didn't even look like her anymore.

Speaker 3 I was like, oh, the soul of her or who she really was is gone. It's just the shell is left.
So it was kind of this weird like relief for me a little bit.

Speaker 3 I was like, oh, yeah, the thing I loved, the human,

Speaker 3 or the entity that she was that I loved, it's not even in there anymore anyway. It's gone to somewhere better and

Speaker 3 in the universe.

Speaker 3 Hell, baby.

Speaker 3 Hell, hell, baby.

Speaker 3 She was evil, dude.

Speaker 3 You don't know that.

Speaker 3 Anyway, how are you? Thanks for being a bad friend. Are we done? Yeah, we're done.

Speaker 3 Are you really? I was just joking, man. And I was being dead serious.
I'm sorry. You make fun of me all the time when I'm serious.
I said, I'm not kidding. Three times.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 And you had to go there. Yeah, yeah.
But funny. No, it wasn't funny.
No one laughed. They got no laughs.
They were laughing. No, they do that out of courtesy.
Why? Stop courtesy laughing.

Speaker 3 We could just cut that part out, Chacho. No, no, no, we're leaving it in because they need to see how evil you really are.
I'm just saying that's just what we're doing.

Speaker 3 No, they need to see how you really are.

Speaker 3 They need to see who how evil is. She's a great woman.
You know that. Didn't I call you when all that happened? No, you did.
Yeah. No, I know.
I was so concerned. I know.
We have to make some fun.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. I was so concerned.
Hey, guys.

Speaker 4 So, we recorded Bad Friends last night, and it did not go exactly according to plan.

Speaker 4 You guys know that Andrew and Bobby have very high standards for themselves and they don't want to air it, but I think it's really funny. So, I want to show you a little taste.

Speaker 3 Five, four, three, two, one.

Speaker 3 Can I just say something? What? That's it?

Speaker 3 Welcome to

Speaker 3 Bad Hop. Dude, I'm getting so into hip-hop right now.
Welcome to.

Speaker 3 So deep. Is that hip-hop? Not even close.
I don't know how to. Not even fucking close, but go ahead.
All right. Why don't I give you a beat and let me see you, Bad Friends hip hop?

Speaker 3 I don't know how to rap. Stop.
Let me see you, Bad Friends hip-hop intro. Can I go slow? I'll make the beat will be slow.
All right. Real slow.
Real slow. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Slower. Really? Yes.

Speaker 3 Slower.

Speaker 3 Perfect.

Speaker 3 What do I wrap about? That's what I'm talking about. A show, an intro for our final show.

Speaker 3 All right. The show, ready.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 3 Welcome to the Bad Friend Show.

Speaker 3 My body is made out of dough.

Speaker 3 In the sky is a crow,

Speaker 3 and people don't know what they don't know.

Speaker 3 Pretty good.

Speaker 3 Welcome back to Bad Friends.

Speaker 3 To have

Speaker 3 a good time.

Speaker 3 If you sped it up, you'd be like, is that NAS?

Speaker 3 If you sped it up. Can I do something? It's NAS.

Speaker 3 I'm just learning about the holy hand. Well, let me teach you everything.
It's not NAS. It's not NOS.
It's NAS. Yeah.
Nasty NAS. Yeah, NAS.

Speaker 3 It's the most Asian way. NAS.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
No, not my.

Speaker 3 When Asians see NAS, we call it NAS. Nas.
Okay. Oh, yeah, he's Nas.
And we say Grandmaster Flash.

Speaker 3 Graham. Graham, like Graham Graham.

Speaker 3 Grandmaster Flash. They say everything fast like that.

Speaker 3 Doc, step outside first.

Speaker 3 My guy.

Speaker 3 Wait a minute.

Speaker 3 What are you into hip-hop? What hip-hop are you into lately? So what I know about hip-hop is I know that

Speaker 3 the history about, you know, the first guy to ever, the first MC to actor ever rap on a show is DJ Hollywood.

Speaker 3 Right? And then I just kind of know who the earlier, you know, Grandmaster Flash, who the earlier people are. And then I just didn't know about Biggie's and

Speaker 3 Tupac's Little War. I didn't know about...

Speaker 3 You learned about it? Yeah, I know everything about it.

Speaker 3 Do you think Tupac is still alive? Tupac is dead. Tupac got shot.
I'll tell you why. Dude, yo, yo.
Yo, dude, yo. I'll tell you why.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you why.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you. Doc, check it out.

Speaker 3 So let me ask you guys something. Why is Tupac mad? Why Why was Tupac initially mad at Biggie?

Speaker 3 You know what, dude? You're a rapper. Way too short.
Anyway.

Speaker 3 Go ahead. Go ahead.
Go ahead.

Speaker 3 No, this is good. This isn't good.

Speaker 3 East Coast beef was born because of Death Row Records. No, that's not what happened.
Yes? No, I'm telling you what happened. I know.
Okay, well, because I'm doing the fucking classes. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 3 The master class. Tupac was in New York.
Biggie was recording in the studio.

Speaker 3 He was down there, and one of Biggie's boys was like, what's up, dude? I'm going to let you up. Yeah, a little cease, right? Yeah, yeah, let you up, right?

Speaker 3 So, while this guy comes down, opens the elevator, it was just blood and mayhem. They already were shot up, yeah, right.
Tupac thought that Biggie set him up.

Speaker 3 I don't believe that's true, anyway. I'm just saying that you guys, you know, make fun of me about not knowing hip-hop and not knowing my rhymes and rhythms.

Speaker 3 I'm gonna tell you right now, dude, that I'm doing my studying. Well, you ready?

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 that's right,

Speaker 3 a little faster. No, no,

Speaker 3 My name is Bobby Lee. I'm the king of society.
I'm fast. I mean, I do it in variety.
Hell yeah. That's really good.
Yeah, that was fucking smooth, dog. Bobby.
B-Lee. Hey.
No, and you know what?

Speaker 3 Yet, you know what your hip-hop name is? Believe. But it's B-L-E-E-V-E.
Believe. No, B-Lee.

Speaker 3 Oh, man. Here comes B-Lee.
Yeah, B-Lee. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 You rap like someone from the fucking 80s. Thanks, dude.
I'm Bobby Lee. I'm here to say.

Speaker 3 it's a wonderful day. Oh, my God.
I feel so good.

Speaker 3 What's it in my pants? It must be wood. It's like the worst.
I already came up with. Can I come up with my own name? No, Believe.
No, I want to be DJ Shut Eye. DJ Shut Eye? Yeah, DJ Shut Eye?

Speaker 3 Even better. Thank you.
DDD DJ Shut Eye.

Speaker 3 I'm going to be out there just DDDJ. Shut Eye.

Speaker 3 Way too short.

Speaker 3 Way too short.

Speaker 3 DJ Shut Eye, way too short, and the Red Rocket.

Speaker 3 But anyway, I'm trying to learn, you know.

Speaker 3 Dude, I like that

Speaker 3 culture. You guys know much about punk rock or CBGB back in the 70s?

Speaker 3 All I know is that losers wear CBGB shirts because they think it's cool. Bro, that's so fucking insulting, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's like a shirt that a guy thinks is cool to wear, but you know, like he knows nothing about it. It's just like a thing to wear.
Am I right or am I right?

Speaker 3 These kids, Carlos, knows exactly what I'm talking about. No, I don't think so.

Speaker 3 Anybody who wears this shit,

Speaker 3 do you know what CBGB is? No, I don't.

Speaker 3 It's one of the most historic music venues in New York for punk rock. Okay.
Now help me with. So the remotes.
Punk rock and grunge. So Nirvana is grunge, right? What would be the example?

Speaker 3 It's the difference between hip-hop and, you know, gangster rap. Yeah.
It's the same thing, but just different. That's it.
That's the most articulate thing you've ever said on this show. What it is.

Speaker 3 The difference between grunge

Speaker 3 and is

Speaker 3 and punk rock is so close to what hip-hop and rap are that they're almost undefined.

Speaker 3 You can kind of define it. If you listen to Nirvana's first album, Bleach,

Speaker 3 a lot of those songs are very, very punk rock.

Speaker 3 Totally.

Speaker 3 And then Nevermind came out. And then Heroin kicked in.
Yeah, yeah. Grungs.
Don't you think that was what really happened?

Speaker 3 When Nevermind was out, it was so much more the H-train because you can tell how much

Speaker 3 low and somber and deep. It was less.
Bleach was way, way more upbeat. I'm sure the BPMs were way higher.
It was way more upbeat. I fucked up on that.
It was date.

Speaker 3 I saw Nirvana two months before, three months before

Speaker 3 Cobain died.

Speaker 3 What do you mean? You saw them live? Yeah. Where? In Anaheim.
Oh, shit. Love.
And I drove up from San Diego and I had a date, right? And I fucked that night up because she's taller, right?

Speaker 3 They all are.

Speaker 3 Way too short.

Speaker 3 All right, you're with me. I'm with you, though.
All right, you know what I'm saying? And I was getting hyped because you know how, you know, when they tailgate a party, you know.

Speaker 3 There it is.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's February 22nd.

Speaker 3 So I was in the parking lot, you know, and I was just jumping up and down, and I jumped so high, it hit her in the mouth. Oh, bow.
And she cracked a tooth.

Speaker 3 Her tooth was cracked, and she was doing like,

Speaker 3 I don't even drive me back. Oh, she was, yeah.
Like, the night was young. I just bought tickets from the car.

Speaker 3 Because your toothie is gone? Don't tell me you didn't get to see Nirvana. No, I saw him.
Oh, yeah. But she was like, I was like,

Speaker 3 well, we got bleach, like, nosebleed seats, but I was like, ah! And I always looked over, and she's like, and her tooth was missing. And she's like, just bummed.
Did you ever go on a second date? No.

Speaker 3 Never saw her. I don't even know her name.
Typical by her. Imagine there's some girl with still the chip tooth that's like that son of a bitch.
She's missing her.

Speaker 3 Can we bring up a picture of something? Yeah, go ahead. Did you see Britney Spears post this week? Oh, she knew.
Britney Spears on Instagram posted nudes.

Speaker 3 Look at me. Are you being real? Yeah, here's the thing: what kind of nudes? Well, they're cover her, but it's on her Insta, so obviously it's not that new.
But look, it's her on the beach. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Showing. Oh, that's not it.
That's not it. Maybe nice.
No, maybe she took him down. That's nice.
So there's a couple of nude photos that she put up with just stars over her vagina. Oh, go back.

Speaker 3 There's full body ones. Get out of there real fast.
Hold on. Scroll down.
Maybe.

Speaker 3 There they are. Above the flower.
Yeah. So this.

Speaker 3 This is pretty good. Yeah, it's pretty damn good right there.

Speaker 3 Timber Lake. It's Britney.

Speaker 3 It's Britney, bitch. Yeah.

Speaker 3 This is why she got the conservativeship. That's why they were like,

Speaker 3 if you were single

Speaker 3 and I was single, would I have sex with you? We were with Brittany in Florida, so that's where she hangs out. I don't know where she hangs out.
Florida sounds right. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Who do you think she would like first? Out of you and me? In terms of dating. Doc.

Speaker 3 She would.

Speaker 3 That's what I am. You know, she would.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 She wants something. But having Doc is like having a fly buzz around your head.
I mean,

Speaker 3 goddamn

Speaker 3 I want to address something real fast, by the way. We can get back to Brittany.

Speaker 3 Free Brittany. Doc got so much love from people.
We were saying we were mean about his uncle

Speaker 3 getting murdered.

Speaker 3 People were saying how we didn't handle his family death, you know, because all of his gay uncles got killed. Oh, he has trauma.

Speaker 3 And they said we handled it more like we weren't empathetic. So let's take a second.
Bobby and I both. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Part two. Here we go.
Give us another shot. Hold on, hold on, fellas.
Let me get

Speaker 3 it. Just really quickly, I don't want to spend too much time on this.
Let's just say, why don't you just say to us, yeah, man, both my uncles died, you know, from some crazy kill-up. So just say that.

Speaker 3 But it was only one.

Speaker 3 Oh, right. But the other one died.
But the other one died, we weren't sure. Okay, right.
Yeah, well, we were.

Speaker 3 I'm not. What happened to the second uncle? The second uncle,

Speaker 3 we don't know. Wait, oh, he just responds.
We don't know.

Speaker 3 So, back where you're from, there's no such thing as autopsies? Yeah, but we'll get to that. I ain't talked to the family and got all it.
Oh, that was just, oh, that just happened.

Speaker 3 Okay, so. So, what I remember, that is ours.
So, tell us again, we're going to handle it differently, real fast. We're going to do it.

Speaker 3 I don't think we just did it. So, let me.

Speaker 3 I don't think I should be asking questions and going, what about this? Yeah, that doesn't help. Yeah, yes.
I feel like a detective. Yeah, you are.
Because he's a murderer.

Speaker 3 That's why.

Speaker 3 You're a murderer, and that's why my detective stylings.

Speaker 3 All right, all right, so go ahead and say. go.
Yeah, man. My uncle, one of my uncles, was

Speaker 3 shot up. Hold on.
We'll let him get that out. What the fuck? Why would you laugh? This is a serious mind.
See what I'm saying, Tino? Can't do shit. All right, here we go.
Ready?

Speaker 3 So, one of my gay uncles was murdered. He was shot up.

Speaker 3 Oh, no.

Speaker 3 Stop.

Speaker 3 Don't laugh. Why are you making me laugh? Bobby, that is not funny.
I'm not afraid of you. We are trying to have a movie.

Speaker 3 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 3 The people actually. Because I didn't even see it.
I don't even

Speaker 3 know what it is. No, you know what? Let's get you one of these.
We're going to get you one of these best uncle ever.

Speaker 3 Give us another shot. Go ahead.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
And go.

Speaker 3 Uncle, he was murdered. Shout out.
Stop. Say, where the fuck?

Speaker 3 We have to do this. You did it.
I was here. We have to do this.

Speaker 3 Do it again.

Speaker 3 Ready? Right?

Speaker 3 Okay, it's okay. I'm going to watch Tino.
Why don't we just duck our heads? Duck down. We come out, right? And when we come up, right, we're just new dudes.
Okay, go.

Speaker 3 I'm Billy Lee and you're Jimmy Santino. Jimmy Santino.
Here we're going to be horrible. Two dudes.
Okay, go ahead. Hold on.
Go ahead. We gotta do a face.
We gotta change our faces.

Speaker 3 What face are you gonna do?

Speaker 3 Okay, here we go. I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna do just a little squinty. Fuck.
So,

Speaker 3 Injun.

Speaker 3 Abercadabra. Five, four, three, two, one.
Abracadabra.

Speaker 3 So, my uncle

Speaker 3 get a little moist.

Speaker 3 Dash out.

Speaker 3 He was killed. By a gay serial killer.

Speaker 3 Dude, that's never not funny.

Speaker 3 That line is funny. Do not.

Speaker 3 Where did I go wrong? Keep working on it.

Speaker 3 Can I tell you something? What's that? For the audience, we're not fucking laughing that his uncle was murdered, but the way Doc says it

Speaker 3 by a gay serial killer. It sounds like a bit from SNL.

Speaker 3 Somebody, no, you know, kill him what we are. Gay serial killer.

Speaker 3 Well, well, well. Here comes Rudy.
Rudy.

Speaker 3 Hi, Rudy. How are you?

Speaker 5 I think I have a stomachache.

Speaker 3 Why?

Speaker 3 The energy you bring is insurmountable.

Speaker 3 I can't. I was like, is this Robin Williams? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Do you have a stomachache, Kiddo? What's going on?

Speaker 5 I've been farting a lot, and my tummy hurts.

Speaker 3 You're farting? Are you farting right now?

Speaker 5 Not right now.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 6 Before I came.

Speaker 3 Well, can you maybe not share that information? I mean,

Speaker 3 I farted a couple times in the card as well.

Speaker 5 No, I like to share.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 She's actually on fire.

Speaker 3 What's going on, Rude?

Speaker 5 I just came home from school.

Speaker 3 How was school? Boring. What did you do this past weekend? She met a boy.

Speaker 3 Again?

Speaker 3 Huh? You met a boy, remember? You say you met a Filipino boy in your class said hello to you. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 Yeah, a Filipino boy said hi to me.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and? He was cute. Did you guys exchange information?

Speaker 6 No, I forgot to ask.

Speaker 3 Big time. Yeah.
But she goes, well, he's in my class. So you'll see him.
Did you see him today? Yeah. Yeah.
What's his name? I don't know.

Speaker 3 That's good. So you're hitting it off.

Speaker 3 Wait, so you met him, you said? Yeah. So how did that, hi.

Speaker 3 I'm someone in your class. I don't want to know your name.
You're just somebody in my class, too. He didn't ask for my name.

Speaker 3 So how did you meet him? He just goes, nice shoes, and he just walked by.

Speaker 6 No, he asked, like, are you Filipino?

Speaker 5 And I said, yeah.

Speaker 3 Fuck. And then you go, I'm Juliana.
That's what human beings do. Is that racism? Timeout.
He just said, are you Filipino? You said yes, and then that was it?

Speaker 6 No, and then he asked if I speak Tagalog, and I said, no, I speak another dialect.

Speaker 5 And he said, oh, that's cool. And I said, okay.

Speaker 3 Fuck, it must be so weird being your age. What a weird.
What is that? That's it? That's what happened?

Speaker 6 Yeah, but it was.

Speaker 3 I liked it.

Speaker 3 You like the interaction? Yeah. That seems awful.
She's being alone for a long time. Yeah, really.
You've been trapped up. I mean, that's very strange.

Speaker 3 She just go, do you, hey, hi, do you speak my language? I speak a different one. Okay.
Bye.

Speaker 3 Yeah. What the fuck? Not like, hey, you know, we should

Speaker 3 hang out. We should hang out or whatever.

Speaker 3 We should do that. You could do it too.

Speaker 5 I can't. Why?

Speaker 3 Why?

Speaker 5 I'm too shy.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 that is probably true. Yeah, I mean, but anyway.
So if I walked up to you and asked you, are you Filipino? We would call the cops.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we call the police.

Speaker 3 If I walked up to you and looked up at you, and I was like,

Speaker 3 that's up with you, girl. Is that a weird thing? Like, if I do it, like, is it okay just like because of age? Oh, how about this? It's you, but you look like Michael B.
Jordan. Is that fine?

Speaker 3 Okay, good. Oh, that's bullshit.
Go ahead.

Speaker 3 Michael B. Jordan.
Why would you substitute? I'm sexy. Go ahead, man.
It's Michael B. Shorty.

Speaker 3 Like, if another person of another race came and asked you, was you Filipino, would it bother you? No, he's saying it's a racist. Like, say a black dude came up and was like, Hey, are you Filipino?

Speaker 3 No, that's not going to bother you.

Speaker 3 Okay. I thought it was racist just to walk up to an Asian person and just guess.
Well, if you go like, yes, it is if you get it wrong. That's right.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 No, actually, we have, I have a three-strike rule. Okay.
Right? So you get three channels. So someone's like, hey, man, are you Japanese? No.

Speaker 3 Are you Chinese? Nope.

Speaker 3 You Malaysian?

Speaker 3 And that's it. And that's it.
And then you walk away. Yeah, I just shut down.
Right on. But you don't, you know what? White people don't get that.
People don't go up to you.

Speaker 3 You from England?

Speaker 3 You Irish? Yeah, I'm Irish. Yeah, yeah.
But that's my point, though. If you got that, we get that five times a day.
If you got that. First of all, you don't get a five times a day.
I used to.

Speaker 3 The culture changed, but in the 80s and 90s, it happened relentlessly. Someone would just come up to you and go,

Speaker 3 in my life I just went to the house.

Speaker 3 They would walk up and they go, Chinese!

Speaker 3 And you'd be like, no,

Speaker 3 damn it! You know, like,

Speaker 3 anywhere, like, they've lost, you know what I mean, money or something. I've never seen this.
Yeah, they get excited.

Speaker 3 I'd walk into a bar or something, and you see wife just, fuck, I'm gonna get my shot. I got this one,

Speaker 3 Vietnamese, and they know, and then, and they'd be all, ah, you know, they get upset. I've never seen this.
I can't believe it. Because it's real private thing.

Speaker 3 When you're in a room with different Asians, are you able to go Japanese, Korean, Chinese?

Speaker 3 Like,

Speaker 3 or are you just a single person? Whenever a bunch of Asians are in in a room together, they do start calling out. Yeah, but I'm just saying.
Are you able to just like fucking?

Speaker 3 Yeah, you know, I'm able to do a lot of things. Yeah.
I just fucking don't. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like, I don't know.
Do you do that with black people?

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's easy. If I walk in and I say, oh, okay, he might be African right there.
No, no, no. That's not even that.

Speaker 3 That's a content. And what you're doing right now is, no, it's Ghana.
That guy's from Ghana. That guy's from Coteua Ver.
You know what I mean? It's that kind of thing. No, I don't.

Speaker 3 No, no, what I'm saying is that. I'm not dividing that.
No, what I'm saying is

Speaker 3 Africa. You're not listening to what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 If I'm in a group full of Asians, right? What a nightmare. Right.
I could say, you just said African. So I go, we're all Asians, right? But that's not what you're asking me.

Speaker 3 You're asking me specifics. Like, do we know what specific part of Asia are they from?

Speaker 3 So your thing is, if you're around a bunch of black guys,

Speaker 3 are you specific about where they're from? Like, oh, you're from South Africa.

Speaker 3 No, you don't. Yeah, if they talk, I'll be like, yeah, that's a good question.
I mean, Turkey heritage

Speaker 3 from from 300 years ago, they came over here. If you said, are you Asian, you wouldn't ask that because you would already know by looking at me.
But white people want to know specifics.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 some of the whites. Yeah, because they have a favorite food and they want to talk to you about it.
See, I don't want to talk to anybody about it. Yeah.
Go ahead. I do.
I do the same shit. I kind of...

Speaker 3 I don't know. I don't know what to tell you.
Sometimes I'll be like, I want some Korean food.

Speaker 3 Oh, you've eaten Korean food? That's what I'm trying to tell you. I am.

Speaker 3 Name me three Korean dishes and I will, honestly, if you name me three Korean dishes, dude, I will be so nice to you for the rest of the podcast. Okay, the first one,

Speaker 3 wasabi,

Speaker 3 just giving that for fun.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we'll give it a chance. We'll give you that function.
We'll give you a wasabi. We'll give you wasabi.
Okay, that's for fun. That's just kind of you.
That's for fun.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but okay, now it's serious.

Speaker 3 Is that one? Because that's not one. Okay, kimchi.
That's one? That is? Hell yeah, that's one time. Mario.
Okay.

Speaker 3 Two more.

Speaker 3 Two more, man.

Speaker 3 Hey, man. Two more, man.
Don't do that.

Speaker 3 Japanese horseradish. Kampow chicken.
Yeah. Okay, you're done.
We'll talk. You're done.
We'll talk. All right, all right, right.
Do I need to keep going?

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll miss me in front of the world.
Yeah, yeah. Real talk here.
I don't know my shit. Oh, man.
Imagine him walking up.

Speaker 3 Imagine him going to Korea town and he goes inside of a traditional Korean restaurant and he's just like, hey, man, y'all got wasabi and kung pow chicken.

Speaker 3 They would take their katanas out, right? And you would just, they would serve you the next meal. Did you know this? No, did you know? Typically, in Korean restaurants, the wasabi isn't real wasabi.

Speaker 3 okay can i just say this i'm just trying to

Speaker 3 listen to me right now

Speaker 3 he didn't know that though wasabi

Speaker 3 yeah wasabi is japanese and it's not a food it's a condiment it's like saying ketchup is a food it is a food it's not a food it's ketchup food it's ketchup food consume is food can i tell you something right but it's not because you put your food it's not japanese though it's not japanese though

Speaker 3 there's not a korean restaurant on planet earth that has wasabi in it okay you got me do you know why Because it's like them saying, oh, we have Indian curry, too.

Speaker 3 I mean, what the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 3 Phew.

Speaker 3 I feel like this episode is

Speaker 3 this fucking podcast.

Speaker 3 So I'll turn it off. What's wrong?

Speaker 3 Nothing. It's just, I feel like the Ritalin is affecting my performance.
Can we talk about it on the show? Yeah. So, how many,

Speaker 3 you called me on the phone and you told me you're taking how much? Five milligrams of Ritalin now? Yeah. It's prescribed by a doctor.
By a psychiatrist, yeah. You feel like it's fucking you up?

Speaker 3 No, I know. Because you told me that you're getting better sleep on the Riddlin.

Speaker 3 It's been better, yeah, but not as, it's not solving my sleep problem now. But what would solve the sleep problem? Sleeping pills? Yeah.
Fuck that. Can you take that? No.
No, he can't.

Speaker 3 Fuck. Why is his mic out? They turned his mic off.
Why? I think because of the vibe.

Speaker 3 Fuck. The boys made a shotgun decision.

Speaker 3 Go ahead. He's a producer on the show.
Yeah. Hey, man, that's it.
Okay. No, no.

Speaker 3 What do you say, Doc?

Speaker 3 Man, I'm hurt. I'm fucking hurt.
We're going to see.

Speaker 3 Well, then, if you have a gripe, then you need to pick a bone with those two because those two. Especially, I want you to.
You're going to diss me in front of everybody.

Speaker 3 Well, you know. Okay, all right.
You can't really trust a Mexican in a Spanish room.

Speaker 3 Cross, maybe? Because I'm good.

Speaker 3 I mean, what you're doing now is like, what are you doing? Can I be real with you? I completely disagree. He looks so dope right now.
Yeah. That's like Larry David.
Oh, that is Larry David.

Speaker 3 Let me see the side. Let me look at the side.
I love it. It's not great, the side.
Oh, so dope.

Speaker 3 That looks so tight.

Speaker 3 Do you like that?

Speaker 3 Yeah. Rudy, that looks tight.
Yeah. See?

Speaker 3 Young Gallagher.

Speaker 3 Young Gallagher.

Speaker 3 Young Gallagher. Finish what you were going to say, though.
So that Riddling isn't helping. No, it is helping on a lot of fronts.
This is unerable, this whole thing. I think it's unairable.

Speaker 3 I think I'm off.

Speaker 3 We're all a little off.

Speaker 3 You're a natural.

Speaker 3 Ten times in, you're a natural.