A Kid at the Crib

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Speaker 1 Hey everybody, April 15th, Andrew and I, bad friends, is going to be at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. In Austin.
In Austin, Texas.

Speaker 1 And tickets go on sale soon. Tickets are about to be on sale.
Yeah, so check it out. Also, one of my best friends in the whole world is playing the Irvine Improv.
March 18th and 19th. Exactly.

Speaker 1 And even though I sold out every show I did there, I want Andrew to be sold out too, okay?

Speaker 1 March 18th and 19th. Come see me at the Irvine Improve.
Sell it out. AndrewSantino.com for the tickets.
You two are bad bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 You two or something. We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Welcome back to the show. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the show.
You two, you two.

Speaker 1 Nice day for white wedding. I was listening to that.

Speaker 1 And I don't even know what that means, but it's... Are there black people at the wedding? Do you know what that song's about? No, what is is it? It's a nice day to.

Speaker 1 Start again! That's what it means!

Speaker 1 Come on, that's what it's about. No, you know what it's really about? What is it about? So his sister, from what I, what I, and Pete can look this up,

Speaker 1 his sister was kind of

Speaker 1 exiled from the family, so to speak, or she was like the black sheep of the family. And that song is like saying, oh, this white...

Speaker 1 Puritan, you know, this puritanical idea of weddings, and it cleans you out and

Speaker 1 it makes you perfect again. I never listened to the song going, wow, they're excluding black and other minorities.

Speaker 1 It has nothing to do with it. I know what white wedding means.
What does it mean? It means that they're wearing white. Yeah.
Right. And it's also the institution is very clean and white.

Speaker 1 But he's saying it because his sister was like a black sheep of the family. And it's like, oh.
What does black sheep mean? She's black? You're adopted? So you're the black sheep of comedy.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm adopted. No, no, you're the black sheep of comedy.
In the comedy world, you're the black sheep. Dude, don't hurt my feelings right now, dude.
You're the little yellow. I'm very vulnerable.

Speaker 1 The little yellow sheep. No, why am I black sheep? Why am I black sheep, though? Because you're the outcast.
You're the... I'm not the outcast.
I'm very healthy. Did you lose some weight?

Speaker 1 I've been losing weight. I look great.
You look good. No coughing.
Let's give it up for a while.

Speaker 1 My breathing is better. No coffee.

Speaker 1 You've just hyped some of that double shot espresso. I've been hyping.
You literally have a fucking Red Bull and a double shot espresso. What does that mean? What do you mean, no coughing?

Speaker 1 You're having so much caffeine and torture. No, I said no coughing.

Speaker 1 You said coffee. Why would I say no coffee, you fucking ding dog? What do you mean no coughing? I'm not coughing anymore.
I don't breathe as weird. You know what I mean? I used to breathe heavy.

Speaker 1 All right,

Speaker 1 let's test that theory. Yeah.
Let me hear you just nose into the mic. Let me hear you breathe calmly.

Speaker 1 But, dude, I mean, you can hear me. Like, my face makes a lot of noise.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Dude, when I smile, my eyes...

Speaker 1 Oh, hey. When I smile, my eyes crinkle.
Talking about a black sheep. Talking about black sheep.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up?

Speaker 1 What's up, Play? What's up?

Speaker 1 You still got COVID or no? How are you doing? Any pussy since COVID or no? Man, I've been on a walk down.

Speaker 1 Dude, everyone's been asking where Doc has been. He's been sick for no shit four months.
Man, man. Did you die and come back? Bro, you know what?

Speaker 1 The cough is so fucking crazy with COVID. It's like

Speaker 1 it keeps you locked down. You can't fucking talk.
You can't laugh. So I was like, fuck.
And when y'all was hitting me up, I was like, nah, I can't do it, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but now, are you regretful that you weren't more mindful about protecting yourself?

Speaker 1 Nope.

Speaker 1 Doubling down.

Speaker 1 You know, I walk over the fucking transition chains,

Speaker 1 and it's going to get you the next time.

Speaker 1 I'm rooting for COVID next time, dude. You better root.
I'm rooting for COVID, dude. You had it twice? Twice.
I had it in 2020.

Speaker 1 And I thought I was going to get it last year, but I made it past the Delta. And I was like, okay, I'm invincible.
Then boom. 2020.

Speaker 1 Dude, can we do a fan duel, COVID versus Doc, and do a betting thing? Yeah, do it. Yeah, let's do that.

Speaker 1 Fan duel. You gained weight, though, huh? No, I lost weight.

Speaker 1 I lost it.

Speaker 1 I dropped it like a a fat. I'm trying to be a little bit more.
Put that green shirt.

Speaker 1 What's your weight at right now? I'm at 160.

Speaker 1 I was at 170. Oh, that's pretty good.
You lost a little bit. Where did you get down to? You know, Bobby lost weight.
I'm 163. In rehab, you lost weight.
You lost seven or eight pounds.

Speaker 1 No, I was at 1 almost 80. No.
Bro, I was. Were you really? Yeah.
Holy shit. Me too.

Speaker 1 Man, that's a connection. Well, you know what? You guys are the same height, same size.
Same size, two little roly-poly. Two little roly-poly.
You don't ever fucking call me a roly-poly.

Speaker 1 I would love to roly-poly.

Speaker 1 Dude, you know, when you said that, you know, the whole thing, two P's in a pod?

Speaker 1 If you weren't two P's in a pod, we'd be fucking, dude. Two roly-poly.

Speaker 1 Imagine us little two peas in the body. Will you guys do the roly-poly together? Have you done that? You wanna rolly poly together, dude, or what? No, I'm good.
I'm good. I'm gonna rolly poly.

Speaker 1 I just got back. Yeah, roly-poly with it.
I'll give fucking mic. Doc, get down there and roly-poly.

Speaker 1 Doc, get down there and roly-poly with him. Come on, doc.

Speaker 1 Come on, Doc.

Speaker 1 Look at how sweet he looks. Yeah, he looks good.

Speaker 1 Come on, Doc. He's rolly-polying.
I like him.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah, Doc.
Come on. Little Rolly-Poly.

Speaker 1 You had a ninja star. How about this, Doc?

Speaker 1 If you want to stay on the show, you got to roly-poly with him. Fuck it.
All right.

Speaker 1 I look at how quickly I reversed that. Fine.
We had judges came back.

Speaker 1 Can I ask you something?

Speaker 1 I ain't going to do no pulling.

Speaker 1 I know you're trying to hide your friend with the glasses, but who's your friend right there? Oh, that's a pimple.

Speaker 1 Dude, I have one. I have a pimple right there.
I have one right there.

Speaker 1 Dude, I have one right right here. You know what this is from? What? Fucking masks.
I've been traveling on airplanes, flying across the country wearing masks.

Speaker 1 I got acne underneath my fucking eyeball and on my nose again. But he tried to sneak diss me, and he fucking got one too.

Speaker 1 It's fucking. Because I'm going to tell you where this one came from.
Where did it come from? Chappelle Lacey. How?

Speaker 1 It's a fucking voodoo. This is a fucking witch's work.
Oh, shit. It's voodoo, dude.
I like that. I hung out with him the other day.
Fucking, he's doing his flips, his voodoo flips, bro.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he does flips. He just limps flips.
I don't like it, dude. He was a genus, right, or a cheerleader or some shit like that? Yeah, how do you feel about that? You know, it's different.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. I love the Star Wars.
No, you're going to start one. Because when you see it in black like that, I'm like, linebacker.
But if you're doing flips, that's my department.

Speaker 1 Because I'm 5'3. That's with the Olympics, right?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Oh, what you're saying is that if they did an Oceans 11, you know how that little Chinese man? Yeah. You know, they put it in a little vase and they snuck it through the thing.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I haven't seen the movie, but I know there's a little Chinese man, they put put in a little vase and they stick it through the thing, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, what you're saying is that if they did an Oceans 11 with all black people, that's him right there. You would be that guy.
There you go.

Speaker 1 So, if we did a heist, we would need Doc because he would do the flip. You could put him in a little bit of a double-hand.
I still need to thin out a little bit.

Speaker 1 Because I think you wouldn't fit in a vase. You'd fit in one of those bulbous vases where they pull up all the time.

Speaker 1 We'd need you to lose a little bit of weight before we get you in the vase. I was going to say,

Speaker 1 because there's this thing where,

Speaker 1 well, Bobby would know, you wouldn't know, Tino. But Bobby would know.

Speaker 1 There's like, when you see somebody like over six feet or six, you know, like big, you don't get kind of like, that's a waste right there. You know what I'm saying? You don't ever be like.

Speaker 1 I'm over six feet. What the fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about? I love it, though.
But keep doing it.

Speaker 1 I mean, I love being me, but I'm just saying, though, when you see somebody like Chappelle, you're like, that's a waste of talent. Right there.
That's what Chappelle was.

Speaker 1 You'll be thinking like lying back.

Speaker 1 Zion Williams.

Speaker 1 Because you know what? He's talking all sorts of years.

Speaker 1 Chappelle Macy is not that big of a dude.

Speaker 1 He's 5'7 ⁇ , dude.

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 1 He's like six-something. No, he's maybe six feet tall.
No, no. Call him.

Speaker 1 Not picking up your call. That's a big mark.
Bobby, that's a big mark. Bobby hates when people don't pick up his call.

Speaker 1 That's a big no-no. How do you pick up your phone call in mid-flip?

Speaker 1 What are you flipping right now? You know. Hello?

Speaker 1 He's mid-flip. He's mid-flip, man.

Speaker 1 He's one of them black dudes that's that's kind of busy. Please leave your message.
You're going to leave a message. Come here.
You want me to leave? You can come toward me. Okay.

Speaker 1 Just give him the phone. Just give him the phone so he doesn't have to get up and throw it.
No, just no, you get your speakerphone. You can come over here, fucker.
Oh, no, yeah.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. Chappelle Lacey.

Speaker 1 Bad friends. Where you at, Blake? Why are we calling you? And you ain't.
Hey, remember we did the open mics at 4-4? Good times.

Speaker 1 What about how you're saying that he's waste? His body is wasting his body? He's talking shit about you. He's talking shit about you and how you're doing flips.
He doesn't like it.

Speaker 1 You know how it is. You a big black dude.
And black on black crime, we don't accept that. But right now, man, this is black on black crime.

Speaker 1 Let me say something to Doc. Go ahead.
Let's go step by step through your COVID diagnosis and your. What happened?

Speaker 1 Who did you get it from?

Speaker 1 From I was there. Look.

Speaker 1 You did your ass chairs.

Speaker 1 I mean, we got you that chair on purpose. I know you did.
This is fucking. It's kind of cool, though.
I feel like I'm in my own zone right now. You are? Yeah.
Yeah, fucking fish.

Speaker 1 He's color coordinated with little shoes and it's just

Speaker 1 looking sexy.

Speaker 1 Did you just buy those shoes, dude? Because they look brand new. They are.
No, no. I've been here.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So, what was the first symptom? I'm sure it's different for little people like you. So, what was the suit? What happened? I'm not sure what that means.
Yeah, you know what that means.

Speaker 1 I had a runny nose, my nose started running. A little drippy nose.
Little drippy nose.

Speaker 1 See, I like the way he carries. Yeah.
A little bit of care. Running nose.
And then a little little sarcasm. Imagine how tiny his cough was.

Speaker 1 I chew. I chew.
Oh, chill.

Speaker 1 He is so cute. I'm glad y'all look too.
All right, so now. And his little tiny lugs.
Oh, so small. His little tiny lugs.
Yeah, yeah. Like those little poppable bubbles that come in a pocket.

Speaker 1 And he hacks. He hacks.
He has a lot of money. Like little cash.

Speaker 1 And the little fucking vice he dropped.

Speaker 1 Come out of his mouth. He's like, oh, that's a big one.

Speaker 1 There you go. He's swimming that puddle.

Speaker 1 So I got that, and then I got a tickle on my chest, just like the first one I got. A little tickle.
A little tickle. It's like a

Speaker 1 itchy. Tickle tickle.
Tickle tickle.

Speaker 1 I'm glad y'all showed on your channel. I love it.
What else happened? Now that you know I had to take a baby ass brender.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Are they shaped with Flintstone? The Flintstone character.

Speaker 1 So what happened then? So when

Speaker 1 I, you know, because I work with Amazon part-time, right? Yes.

Speaker 1 Which is what? Well, Amazon is actually good about testing the people. So they allow you to be tested twice a week.
So that's how I usually, remember, I was telling you how I get tested?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for real. So I had a kid at the crib, and I said, my nose is running.
It feels like I got COVID again. Wait, wait.
Who's at the crib? Me.

Speaker 1 No, you said you had a kid at the crib. I had a kid at the crib? No, I said I was at the crib.
Uh-uh. And are y'all listening? You said I had a kid at the crib.
I'll do it. I'll do it.
You went.

Speaker 1 So I had a kid at the crib. And I said my nose was running.
So who's this kid that's in your house? There's no kid in the crib.

Speaker 1 All right, I have to say,

Speaker 1 we have, it's recording. Yeah, we got it on tape.
We have it on tape. Yeah.
And when you rewind, I'm going to be right. And you guys owe me a first.
Did you guys hear what he said? What did he say?

Speaker 1 He said, I have a kid in the crib.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so listen.
You had a little tickle tackle.

Speaker 1 You had a little drip drop. Real talk.
Yeah. And then you also realized at some point when a kid was at the crib.

Speaker 1 There was no kid.

Speaker 1 Relax. There was a kid at the crib.
There was. You said it.

Speaker 1 And you realized, uh-oh, Black Magic got the Roma.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 At some point, Black Magic had the Roma. And at one point, Black Magic, right, looked at his nuts, it started shrinking, and then you realized your nuts were always that size.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 By the way, do you know that Corona, you had it twice? COVID has been proven scientifically certain cases have shrunken people's penises.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, look it up right now. Look it up.

Speaker 1 They've done genital shrinking. So you mean to tell me I went from four to three down? They're like, I'm trying to win.

Speaker 1 Can COVID shrink your penis? One man in the United States, agree and close, one man in the United States believes the virus irreversibly shortened his manhood.

Speaker 1 Is he white?

Speaker 1 He is white. Yeah, you never have to lose.
He's in denial. That's what he is.

Speaker 1 How funny he said that. He's saying that to the girl he's dating.
He's like, COVID shrunk my penis.

Speaker 1 I had a huge penis before this.

Speaker 1 Or what if, what if, like, he's not, he's everyone, all every guy gets their dick strung but they're just so fucking scared to say anything nobody wants he's the first guy that's like you know i gotta say something finally the rest of them are like no it's fine

Speaker 1 i had covet but i guess i should have measured my penis before anytime you get too strong i think your dick is strong do you think so yeah anybody at home by covet can i see look at your no we don't do it no look at your dough

Speaker 1 why because it's drunk

Speaker 1 it's as tiny as it's all right man all right

Speaker 1 that's what you do that's the rule turn off the lights girl don't fucking you don't ever want to

Speaker 1 see yourself

Speaker 1 Time out.

Speaker 1 Time out. Turn off the light.
You ever do that, Tino?

Speaker 1 Turn off the lights. No.
Do I had a girlfriend once? She used to do this.

Speaker 1 I had a girlfriend where I never, she never showed me her ass. She hated her ass.
What? So every time she got out of the bed, she held her ass like this. What?

Speaker 1 David, she didn't want you to see her butt? She didn't want it. Yeah.
Was it bad? But one night, though, I was doing it from behind, and I had the little switch, light switch.

Speaker 1 And it looked, and I regret turning it on.

Speaker 1 I turned it right off. It was like flat like this.
Oh, it was a table. You can feel it when you were having sex.
You didn't understand it when you were having sex.

Speaker 1 I was thinking it was grabbing her hips. She had white hips.

Speaker 1 Oh, she was

Speaker 1 birthing hips. Yeah, yeah.
So it would just slam her like this, right?

Speaker 1 But my hands were flat like this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was terrible.
I'm going to ask you a question. Have you ever had a bust? Go ahead.
Where she scared you? What? Was she Asian?

Speaker 1 Ooh, Doc. I just asked a question.
It is still Black History Month, to be fair. We got to let her get away with it.

Speaker 1 Is it? It is. I just asked the question.
She was white. Okay.

Speaker 1 But white women are plagued with that same thing sometimes. Flat butt? He's a plague.
Sometimes. A lot of people are plagued with flat butt.
I think Fancy has a flat butt. I do.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't have any cheeks.

Speaker 1 I want them cheese.

Speaker 1 You have a flat button? Yeah. I have cake.
Can you turn around real quick? I got a lot of cake. Can you turn around real quick? No.

Speaker 1 Did this guy. Dude.
He's so rude. He's so rude.
I love it. Yeah, yeah.
I love it. So COVID fucked with your mind too.
Yeah. Yeah.
So go ahead. So what else happened? So I took the test

Speaker 1 on a Sunday. I mailed it in on a Monday and I got sicker.

Speaker 1 Then Tuesday, I started coughing, and then they sent me a message in my email saying, you got COVID. I'm like, yeah, I fucking know now.
I'm fucking sick. Like, you know, I already knew.

Speaker 1 And that's what happened. The boy got sick like that.
And you were at the house? Did you leave the house when you still had symptoms? No. Doc?

Speaker 1 Went to a grocery store. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 Why are you going mad? As I can tell.

Speaker 1 You know he goes to the store when he gets sick. Yeah, I went to CVS.

Speaker 1 And it wasn't because I didn't have no cold medicine already. It's just because I wanted more.
But you could have just gotten it delivered. Don't you work for Amazon? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what we're doing.

Speaker 1 Wait,

Speaker 1 do you have access to the warehouse?

Speaker 1 Everything. Right, so can't you go to the vitamin C aisle and the Z aisle? No, I don't work like that, Playboy.
Don't call me a Playboy. What the fuck happened to you, dude? Dude, COVID changed.

Speaker 1 COVID fucked you mind up.

Speaker 1 Can I do an 80s joke real quick yeah please can i do an 80s joke

Speaker 1 is the kid is the kid in your house willis

Speaker 1 your brother's willis my brother willis

Speaker 1 different strokes for you people who don't know google it yeah yeah

Speaker 1 i just want to do it can i just throw on an 80s you're allowed to yeah thank you

Speaker 1 so you you went to cvs where else did you go while you were sick i know you went to multiple places don't front on me I know you went to a few spots. Go ahead and say

Speaker 1 you went to the liquor store, didn't you? You know, I don't want to pay the

Speaker 1 quarantine.

Speaker 1 Before you you did anything. You went to the liquor store, be honest.
Whiskey. No,

Speaker 1 he got wine.

Speaker 1 No drinking while I'm sick. Bullshit.
Bullshit. Bullshit.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're drunk now?

Speaker 1 Are you drunk now? No. What's in there?

Speaker 1 Well, you know, a little bit of juice.

Speaker 1 And I tell you something. When he scoots back in that chair, it is so funny to me.
He's a funny. When he wiggles out in that chair,

Speaker 1 it's like when I put my dog on its back and she's trying to get back on her front legs. Bro, when God created you, he said to all his people, right, I'm going to take my time with this one.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going to spend a day on this one.

Speaker 1 Go to the kids' drawer. You got the legs, right?

Speaker 1 Go to the mythological section, right? He got golems, the stomach.

Speaker 1 Right? Didn't he?

Speaker 1 The dwarf heads. God got the head.
The dwarf head.

Speaker 1 He picked up Doc like this.

Speaker 1 And he was perfect. He was perfect.

Speaker 1 And he goes, and now for the height. Oh, God.
God.

Speaker 1 There's God. And he dropped it right down to Earth.
Right, he dropped it. So they went right down to Earth.
Right.

Speaker 1 So you were supposed to be 6'8. Yeah, you were supposed to be supposed to be.
That was God's plan. Yeah.
But he knew that I could handle being 5'3. He said, he still could be sexy.
I'm a sentiment.

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 1 Heavy props on that. He knew you could handle it.
You're a confident fucking dude.

Speaker 1 Did you see Genius? Did you watch Kanye West's documentary? No. Did you?

Speaker 1 They just call it Genius? It's called Gene Yus. J-E-N-Y-U-S-N-S-I-N-I-N- Where's that playing?

Speaker 1 Can we talk about it when I watch it? Yeah, that's fine. It's on Netflix.
I like to watch it when it's out. I got to tell you, dude.
What? What's the room? God, I love this, dude.

Speaker 1 Because he's nuts, dude. I love how nuts.
He's nuts. It's awesome.
He's like you.

Speaker 1 It's the same way I like you. I love you because you're fucking crazy.
No, I'm not.

Speaker 1 Bro. Bro.

Speaker 1 You're fucking crazy, bud. As a goddamn nut.

Speaker 1 This is my only time. You're my time.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not. That's it.
Crazy. Yeah, you are.
I'm not. Look at how you're reacting to this.

Speaker 1 A normal guy wouldn't do that. All right.
Say it again then. You're fucking crazy.
You're an absolute psychopath nutbag.

Speaker 1 As fuck. So what is the meaning of it all? Why are you crazy? No, why are you saying this? Because look at you.
I'm not. Dude, you're a fucking nutcase.
I'm not a nutcase. I'm not.
The way you laugh.

Speaker 1 I feel crazy.

Speaker 1 That's just the way I fucking express my joy. It is, and I love my joy.
And first of all, I am not crazy. I'm misunderstood.
Correct. You know what?

Speaker 1 I also hate when people say, I've heard producers say, what do you love about he's eccentric?

Speaker 1 Eccentric. What does that mean? It means you're fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 But I don't like it because then you, you know, when you grew up, Google eccentric, then you'll see like Dali.

Speaker 1 Salvador Dali. Yeah, yeah, photo of Dali with a fucking genius with an eagle.
All right, let's see what eccentric means. Go to eccentric and what does that mean? Let's see the definition.
Dali.

Speaker 1 Why do you say Dali? It's Dali. Salvador Dali.
Salvador Dali. El Dali.
It's Dali.

Speaker 1 Whose country are you in? What is it? Dali? Dali. Dali.
Yeah, if you're Spanish,

Speaker 1 ask Pete. Pete's an American.
How do we say it, Pete? What do we say? I say Dali. Yeah, Dali.
Salvador Dali. No, you said Dali, like I did.

Speaker 1 Dali. Yeah, Dali.
But look at who you're amongst of the eccentric people. Einstein, a genius.
That's cool. Dali.

Speaker 1 That's cool. A genius.
That's cool. That lady.

Speaker 1 That's basically you. That lady.
That's you. If you were white, that's you.
That's you. Okay.
Where's Pee-Wee Herman? He should be on that list. Why? Because

Speaker 1 y'all got the same quirky, weird-ass cheese. You are kind of close to Pee-Wee.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Paul Rubens.

Speaker 1 Paul Rubens. There you go.
Yeah. God bless.
Jacking off in a fucking.

Speaker 1 I can see that.

Speaker 1 I can see that. How fucking dare you? I've never jerked off in a movie theater.

Speaker 1 But I could see you doing it. Yeah.
No, I wouldn't.

Speaker 1 First of all, it was just a porno theater. Have you ever jacked off in anywhere outside of your house?

Speaker 1 Have you ever jacked off outside of your home? Yeah, my hotel rooms. Outside of a hotel room.

Speaker 1 Comedy club?

Speaker 1 Oh my God. Outside of a comedy club.

Speaker 1 Work. Like when I was a restaurant, I jerked off in the bathroom.
Okay, every time.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What do you

Speaker 1 blow on away? Okay.

Speaker 1 Lunch break. Yeah, I'm slammed right, and then I see a hot girl come in and I go, I gotta go, you know, and I jerk off.
How about at your trailer when you're on set?

Speaker 1 One time.

Speaker 1 I had to say one time. Go ahead.
One time.

Speaker 1 One time. I literally thought I was going to be banned from show business.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I was, you know,

Speaker 1 when I was on Spling Up Together, I was in Warner Brothers lot. Yeah.
And I had a night shoot, right? And then I had an early call. So I said, can I just sleep here?

Speaker 1 Right? You wanted to sleep in the trailer? So I did. I didn't have a trailer.
I had a dressing room. Oh, right.
I just slept on the lot. It was physically in a building on the lot.

Speaker 1 In a building, and I had a shower. I heard my name on the thing, right? So

Speaker 1 late at night, I was just on my couch, and I was, you know, the bed couch, and I was going on, you know, their Wi-Fi, right? And I was looking at like my weird porn, right?

Speaker 1 And then the next day, I was telling one of the actors, I go, Yeah, I was jerking off the weird porn last night.

Speaker 1 He goes, You locked into the Wi-Fi, and I go, Yeah, he goes, Warner Brothers has that record now, man. They track all of them, they track it.
I was gonna say, No, but that's not true. Yes, it is.

Speaker 1 Oh, they did?

Speaker 1 No. After the Sony leak? No, No,

Speaker 1 I Googled it. There's no way.
And I also went to the... Oh, you think they're going to be able to do it? I went to the cyber unit, and I go, the cyber unit, I do, I don't know.
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Speaker 1 Imagine,

Speaker 1 you walk in, he's in the cyber.

Speaker 1 This guy's having an LB. Imagine.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Ship station. Oh, my God.
I love ship station. I'll tell you the reason why, Andrew.
Tell me, babe. Because a lot of my business is through e-commerce.
Yes.

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Speaker 1 Better help. Oh my God, Andrew, during the pandemic and now, even after going into rehab, I use BetterHelp because I need therapy every once a week.
You do. You need therapy.
We all need it.

Speaker 1 I love BetterHelp. Relationships take work, Andrew.
I don't know if you know that.

Speaker 1 A lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about, right? Mm-hmm. We'll go out of our way to treat other people well, but how often do we give ourselves the same treatment? Not often.

Speaker 1 Not often. I go out of my way to help you out, and I don't get enough help myself.
So this month, BetterHelp is online therapy.

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Speaker 1 This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and Bad Friends. Listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash bad friends.
That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash bad friends. Bad friends.

Speaker 1 This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy.

Speaker 1 I'm 27 days of no porn. Woo, woo, woo.

Speaker 1 We kicked the habit. Raise your hand in this room.
Let's talk to the dorks in the window. Yeah.
You guys have never signed up for porno sites. Never.
Never.

Speaker 1 Because why? Because it's

Speaker 1 free yeah it's insane to think you guys would do that

Speaker 1 do you notice that the three guys that are saying well you like free are what you got it exactly first of all andres is not one of us let's just say cajun can i say cajian he's we're not looking at we're not saying that's the color of your skin yes you were no weak weak

Speaker 1 You're weak. Do you want to fight? Yeah, I want to fight you.
Do you want to go three?

Speaker 1 You're cheap and you're weak and you justify different things.

Speaker 1 You're the kind kind of guy, right? Cheap? Yeah, you're the kind of guy who goes to Mendocino Farms and goes, you know what? That Ruben sandwich is a little too pricey.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go next door and fucking pat these. Oh, I don't pay for my sandwich.
That's who you are. You know what?

Speaker 1 Not all of us are privileged and came from wealth like you. Oh, that's funny.
We're not all Jack Harlow. We don't come from Mendocino.
Oh, that's hilarious. This guy makes me think you're the guy.

Speaker 1 I hear him. You're the guy.
I know how much you make. This guy makes you can afford the fucking passamo sandwich.
Oh, no. At Mendocino.
It's where I come from. You come from.
You're regular people.

Speaker 1 No, you come from upper middle class white suburbia. I've seen the photos.
First of all, it's a middle class. I'm not seeing you with a baseball bat.
It's brand new.

Speaker 1 The shit that we had to fucking dance because of our skulls. You're from the most affluent part of San Diego.
You're from Rich Boy San Diego. I'm from the ghettos, Chula Vista.
Shit, yes, I am.

Speaker 1 Right by the border, dude. How many bedrooms were in your house as a kid? Dude, I was.
How many bedrooms were in your house as a kid?

Speaker 1 Let me count.

Speaker 1 I have to count. I have to count.
How many bathrooms is we in your kid? Wait, what? Let me count.

Speaker 1 One. Bathrooms? One, two, three.
We had four bathrooms. Yeah.
What the fuck? Thank you. And then we had, wait, how many.

Speaker 1 Detroit? They had one in the whole city. They had the stairs.

Speaker 1 How many bedrooms? I had one, two, three. Four bedrooms.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Four baths. What's the problem? That's upper class.

Speaker 1 Yes. But you don't know what the building looked like.
Yes, I do. I've seen photos of your house that you grew up in.
We put it on the show. It's beautiful.
Yeah, it's beautiful.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 How many bathrooms did you have as a kid? It depends on if who I was staying with. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You know how it is.

Speaker 1 No, you know who you were staying with. You were with Willis.
We were with.

Speaker 1 Hey, it's called.

Speaker 1 Don't ever fucking make fun of it. It was good.
Thanks for the laugh, guys.

Speaker 1 When you were with the lollipop gang, did you guys all share one bathroom?

Speaker 1 Why did you laugh? It was good.

Speaker 1 Timeout. When you grew up as a kid, how many bathrooms did you have in your home? We had

Speaker 1 two.

Speaker 1 That seems reasonable.

Speaker 1 Because we stayed in a two-family flat. Y'all know what the flat flat? A two-flat.
Yeah, Yeah, a two-flat. A two-family flat.

Speaker 1 So, how many people lived in the two-bedroom flat?

Speaker 1 One, two, three, four, five, six,

Speaker 1 six.

Speaker 1 Wait, six in total or six in one flat? Six in one flat. That's a lot.
So it's two flat? I mean, two in total. My bad.
Oh, so there's four bedrooms. Yeah, two bedrooms.
Six people.

Speaker 1 So you slept with somebody?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Who? My uncle.

Speaker 1 The gay uncle? Oh, my God, dude. We know now.
That was fancy. Oh, no, this is not the best.
I said the gay uncle. We know now.
Bro, fancy, help me. We know now.
We know now. Cut his mic off.

Speaker 1 Put the mic. Dude, I get it.
I know where you're going. Two things.
One, putting a knife behind his head, really bad idea. Insane.
He's going to kill himself.

Speaker 1 Two, it's insane that we put that right by his head. Yeah, we'll apologize.
And two, San Diego makes perfect sense now. San Diego?

Speaker 1 Dude, remember when we were in San Diego in the hotel room and he told a story about his gay uncle?

Speaker 1 Yep. His karate kids.
His karate. See? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry, dude. You're a victim.
You're a victim. You're a victim.
You're a victim. I'm so sorry.
Well, you know, hold up, hold up. Yeah, yeah.
First of all, that's a different uncle.

Speaker 1 It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 First of all, how are we supposed to? I don't think so. By the way, I don't believe it.
I don't believe it at all. You have one uncle.
You have

Speaker 1 no idea. The gay one.
I have three gay uncles. You have three gay uncle.
And a gay cousin. And which are the uncles that you slept with in your room?

Speaker 1 If he has three gay uncles, one of them slept in his room. Okay, so the karate incident was with my uncle on my father's side.
Right. The other one is on my mother's side.
All right.

Speaker 1 So the uncle that was on your mother's side that slept in the same room as you, was he gay? Yeah. Okay.
But he also was

Speaker 1 Christian. What the fuck are you going to say? He was mentally challenged.
I didn't want to put it on. Damn, but you guys.

Speaker 1 But you guys fucking ass. Timeout.
How does that work? You had a gay, mentally handicapped uncle that you slept with in the room. In the bed, yeah.
Wait, you slept in in the same bed?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's my uncle.

Speaker 1 We were the same age. He was only two handy years old.
I'm not in front of anything. What you do is it's cultural.
We're not making fun of your culture, dude. We're around the same age.
It was kids.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, he's the same age as you're uncle's the same age as you can. Jesus is two, three years older than me.
My uncle, Turl. Same size? Please stop into the same size.

Speaker 1 He was taller than me, man.

Speaker 1 Who was the big spoon? Oh, you were the little spoon? No one wouldn't have no idea. Did you only go butt to butt? You never ever spooned? Butt to butt.
Always, every night.

Speaker 1 Do you ever once do it, Tino?

Speaker 1 Can I ask you a question? Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Obviously, when you're sleeping, you have no control of what you're doing with your body and whatnot, right? Right. Have you ever woken up and you were face to face with your uncle? Never, bro.

Speaker 1 Not one time. No.

Speaker 1 I doubt it.

Speaker 1 That's impossible. Doc.
That's impossible.

Speaker 1 Okay. I know.
Tell us what you went through. I'm telling you.
It's not your fault. Yeah.
You can't tell me. It's not your fault.

Speaker 1 One night you didn't wake up and you guys were wrapped all over each other because it was cold? Because he was, you know, he wasn't he wasn't into sucking dick then. He was long, but he was on a cusp.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? He was right. Wait, wait, did he, what kind of.
What do you mean? It's not like I had autism? He had autism? I don't know what he had.

Speaker 1 You know, back in the 80s, you didn't get diagnosed. You just walked around and you were just

Speaker 1 held back. Well, you were poor.

Speaker 1 But in the 80s, they didn't have... Autism wasn't a big thing in the 80s.
Everybody know that. So he was just walking around undiagnosed.
What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 1 I'm just telling y'all what the fuck is going on.

Speaker 1 We didn't have pedestrians.

Speaker 1 Let's put it to you this way. He was in the slow classes.

Speaker 1 So he was held back in elementary with me, where he should have been in middle school when I was in. And we're not making fun of that.
We're not making fun of that.

Speaker 1 Well, we're not making a lot of time.

Speaker 1 Is he still alive? No, he died. Oh, shit.
What the fuck? How did he die?

Speaker 1 He was killed by a gay serial killer. See? Yes.

Speaker 1 See, you fucking ass.

Speaker 1 Hold the phone.

Speaker 1 Your

Speaker 1 uncle was murdered

Speaker 1 by a guy who was killing

Speaker 1 who was a gay serial killer. No, he wasn't.
He was killing gay people. Yeah, because he was gay.
Obviously, because he was a kid.

Speaker 1 The serial killer was gay.

Speaker 1 I want to kill a bunch of gay guys. Yep.

Speaker 1 That's what it was like.

Speaker 1 That would have been. Chop, chop, chop.

Speaker 1 Yep, I'm going to say the penis.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 yeah, so what you're saying is you, there was a serial killer who only killed gay guys because he wasn't gay. Yes, he wasn't.
I don't know. They never caught gay kids.

Speaker 1 Can we be logical?

Speaker 1 Can we be logical adults? If there's a guy who's a serial killer that only kills gay men, he's obviously gay and repressed and fighting some sort of fucking societal feelings.

Speaker 1 And he's like Mike Pence. What's the word for that, fellas? Like Mike Pence? Like Mike Pence.
What's the word for that? Yeah, yeah. What's the word for that? Repression.

Speaker 1 Because I honestly believe now my theory. Well, first of all, you wouldn't roll apoly at the beginning of the show with you.

Speaker 1 You don't have to roll epolly with Bobby because Bobby always goes to the, you know. No, but I think.
Don't do that.

Speaker 1 See what it'll come up? I think you exude

Speaker 1 this mask, right? That I'm this masculine, right? Playable,

Speaker 1 tough guy, this and that. You know what I mean? Funny guy, this and that, right? But I think you're hiding something.
First of all, I think it's hereditary.

Speaker 1 It is? Yeah. Both of his bloodlines have

Speaker 1 both of your bloodlines have it, right? Interesting. You have this false, like, this weird, like, that's not even authentic.
Are you an uncle? No. I don't have no brothers and sisters.
That's right.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 So I just think that, you know, my theory is, I'm not going to say it. Say it.

Speaker 1 That you might be.

Speaker 1 Let's say it on the count of three. Yeah.
All right. One, two, three.

Speaker 1 First of all, let's take a stance on the show as bad friends.

Speaker 1 We support all people

Speaker 1 of all genders and colors and creeds. We love all that shit.

Speaker 1 That being said, I don't believe for a second that you didn't have some sort of experience like you told us in San Diego with the uncle that you slept with in a bed. Bro, this ain't Christianity.

Speaker 1 It's not about what you believe. It's real.

Speaker 1 What does that mean? It means that you can't believe this just is, right? Yeah, it is. It happened.
It did disappear. It's like this.
It's like, you know, sometimes when... Well, you're lying to us.

Speaker 1 It's like a kid who's addicted to crack, right? He finds himself in a crack house. Right.
Right. And the parents come in.
What are you doing? I'm not smoking crack.

Speaker 1 Sure. Right.
And you're like, sure, right. You know what I mean? I think that's what I'm sensing here.
Correct. So you replaced the crack pipe with a dick in the corner.
Correct.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Can this guy

Speaker 1 on a good line? Can you give me something?

Speaker 1 I'm almost there, bro. Okay,

Speaker 1 let's go back there. Let's go back.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Your uncle was murdered. He was murdered.
Holy shit. Oh, I'm so sorry.
I mean, that's insane. I'm so sorry.
How old were you when that happened? It was 96.

Speaker 1 Did they catch this man? So you were 48? They never caught the man. And that's what they were.
That's why the police said that it was a guy going around shooting and killing. What?

Speaker 1 He's the killer.

Speaker 1 Oh

Speaker 1 my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. I know.

Speaker 1 You're

Speaker 1 the killer. You're the killer.
You're the killer. Doc, you're the killer.
Oh, that's what he came to, dog.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Let's see why. Let's see.

Speaker 1 Dude, the math is adding up. Bobby's right.
Dude, I'm a detective, dude.

Speaker 1 Right? The math is adding up for me. Detective Lee.
Cracks the case.

Speaker 1 My point is:

Speaker 1 are your other gay uncles alive?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God! Wait, wait, wait. You killed all your uncles? No.

Speaker 1 You killed all your gay uncles. Well,

Speaker 1 Well, what am I just passed away a couple days ago? How? How? We don't know yet. Oh,

Speaker 1 sure. Cyanai.
We will know.

Speaker 1 We don't know how to do it.

Speaker 1 They didn't even let me know. You explain myself.

Speaker 1 Bad detectives. Or worse.
Bad detectives. What city did you die in? Detroit.
When you were in Detroit. Can I tell you what?

Speaker 1 They just called me

Speaker 1 two days ago,

Speaker 1 three days ago, and said he died. Nobody knows.
And we have to wait till homicide come to make sure that he just died. That's it.
Okay, what about the other uncle? That's all the information.

Speaker 1 What about the other uncle? He's still alive. Where? In Detroit.
We got to call him. Okay.

Speaker 1 I can call him. We got to win.
I can call him on the freaking movie.

Speaker 1 Y'all want to put him on a freaking phone? Yeah. Because you're this little gay man.
Mm-hmm. And you're so.

Speaker 1 Just hear me out, my theory. Can you see my theory? Are you listening?

Speaker 1 Right, right. Baffle.
You fucking call me eccentric and a psychopath. That guy called you eccentric.
I called you a psychopath. Two different things.

Speaker 1 This is a fact.

Speaker 1 I'm not a psychopath.

Speaker 1 Okay. You think I'm not? Oh, you're not.
Let's move on. So my point is,

Speaker 1 maybe I am. But

Speaker 1 so,

Speaker 1 yeah, you're protecting the family, right? And you just, it's not, you, you felt some shame, right? You grabbed a knife like that or whatever, sign it, however you work. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You took out one of your uncles. Right? The one that was like mentally, right, you said? Yeah.
Yeah. Listen.
Which you don't even know what he had. Okay.
You don't? Still? Never knew.

Speaker 1 He didn't because he never been there. He probably has like sleep apnea.
He just thinks it's something more serious. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Nah, a little bit slower than that. I used to fight for that dude so much, man.
But go ahead. You got into fights because people would make fun of him? Bro, make fun of him.
They used to, man.

Speaker 1 I've hit people with sticks, bricks. I mean, little dude.
And I had to fight these big dudes because they would talk shit. Not talk shit.
They would like beat him up.

Speaker 1 And then he would come to me because I was the only one there. And then I would be like, man, oh.
So I would go fuck and Hey, look at y'all. I've always loved you so much.
I love you. Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 You don't need no, you don't need the bare hands, just weapons. Go sit down.
Actually, you know what?

Speaker 1 Get the fuck out of here. Woo, woo.
Get the fuck out. You're an hour late.
Get the fuck out now.

Speaker 1 Sit down.

Speaker 1 Sit your fucking ass down. Sit your fucking ass down.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Rudy. Rudy.
Rudy.

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Speaker 1 We missed you so much, Rudy.

Speaker 1 She got sick. Yeah, I hated it.
Yeah, it was bad, wasn't it? Yeah. Who gave it to you?

Speaker 1 Put the mic close to your mouth. I can't believe we're even doing that.
So all these shits. May I say something?

Speaker 1 So while me and Kalila, I I was in rehab. Yeah, remember when I was watching? Remember when I was in rehab? Yeah.
And Kalila was in Hawaii? Yeah. You decide to go, hmm, me go to a dorm party.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Right? And you went to a dorm party, right? And then you got COVID, which means, did you have your mask on during the COVID, the COVID party that you went to?

Speaker 1 No. So she walks into our studio.
Right. A bunch of vaccinated people and who people have had COVID with a mask on.
But she goes to a dorm party.

Speaker 1 without a fucking mask on.

Speaker 2 Because the peer pressure, everyone's not wearing a mask. And if I wear a mask, I'm the one that's the weirdo.

Speaker 1 Right, but that's why I don't wear a mask when you guys tell me to wear a mask because I don't want to look like a weirdo. Correct.
When I go to the comedy clubs, no one's wearing a fucking mask.

Speaker 1 That's why I don't fucking wear a mask. Yeah, that's right.
She had on a mask at Master O's when we went to go eat. That's right.
I know.

Speaker 1 She'll go there and wear a fucking mask and not at a fucking dorm party. Do you know why? She wants to get dicked.
Hey.

Speaker 1 I don't want to hear it. Hey,

Speaker 1 I'm tired of your dick trolling, man. Stop it.
I don't want dicks. You better not be getting dicked out.

Speaker 1 Hey, why'd you go there, man? Why'd you go there?

Speaker 2 Because I wanted to meet some friends.

Speaker 1 You better not be getting dicked out.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be pissed, dude.

Speaker 1 If you're catching Ds at dorm parties, I'm going to be living.

Speaker 1 What makes me upset? She never got any Ds. You didn't even get any dick, and you got to...
She got COVID instead. You got sick with no dick.
No D.

Speaker 1 No D, but COVID. What an annoying.
What an annoying fucking thing. God, you little shitbag.
Will you ever go to a a dorm party again?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 It's not worth it.

Speaker 1 It's not right. No.
You got sick. I'm happy that you're okay.
We were concerned about it. How are you feeling now? I'm better.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like it's better.
He had it too, twice.

Speaker 1 Twice? Yeah, he had it twice.

Speaker 1 She doesn't want to go.

Speaker 1 She doesn't want to get it again, right?

Speaker 1 And I'm pretty sure COVID's green for some reason. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. What were your symptoms? Did you lose your taste and smell?

Speaker 2 No, I just had cough, sore throat, chills, ranny nose.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What did your uncle Tito do for you?

Speaker 2 He bought me some medicine. Yeah.
Oh.

Speaker 1 And I feel like,

Speaker 1 can I just throw this out there? I feel like if I was sick, you wouldn't do the same.

Speaker 1 I couldn't agree more. I would.

Speaker 2 No, you wouldn't. I would.
No.

Speaker 1 Can you put it in your mouth? Thank you. Thank you, Andrew.
And I apologize. No, I love you.
I apologize. So wait a minute.

Speaker 1 Tito Bobby, as usual, took care, was the man of the house, took care of you. And did you say thank you?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I said thank you. But did you give him like a thank you card? Thank you for taking care of me, Tito.
No, no, I thought you would just say thank you.

Speaker 1 No, when you came back up the stairs, though, and I asked for a hug, what'd you do?

Speaker 2 I declined. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because I still don't want any germs giving it the title.

Speaker 1 I don't want it to be you. Wait a minute.
I don't think that's

Speaker 1 too from your little niece that you took care of. She's been sick for two weeks.

Speaker 1 You just want to hug? I just wanted a hug. I didn't see anything.

Speaker 1 So you got out of rehab. You're emotionally wrecked.
Not just emotionally wrecked. I am

Speaker 1 vulnerable. You're vulnerable.
You're emotional. You're emotional.
And I want to connect with other human beings.

Speaker 1 And someone

Speaker 1 that I thought that I view as a daughter and somebody that

Speaker 1 I would do anything for. Anything.
I just wanted some physical contact, like a brief, you know, it was, first of all, when we hug, it's never chest, it's side to side.

Speaker 1 Even she won't even, she won't even fist bump me or do a little arm thing. What's up with that?

Speaker 2 Because he doesn't like hugs.

Speaker 1 He doesn't. You actually don't like hugs.
But he was vulnerable.

Speaker 1 But he was vulnerable. That's absolutely.
Well, he hugs me.

Speaker 1 I hug you. You hug me, but that guy hugged me.
I hug you. Tackles me.
You hug me. I hug you.
But you don't hug her. I want to hug her.
But she doesn't. Oh, this is.
He doesn't want to hug me.

Speaker 1 This is what it is.

Speaker 2 That's what it is. No, but you don't like hugs.

Speaker 1 I love. He does.
Yes, he does. He loves affection.

Speaker 1 I'm addicted to hugs, baby.

Speaker 1 I fucking drool. I got a crazy eye for drugs.
Especially now that I have no drugs and no porn or nothing. I fucking drool.
He needs a hug. He needs

Speaker 1 affection.

Speaker 1 I go to the hug house, man,

Speaker 1 and get all fucking droolie. I don't know what to people through.

Speaker 1 Do you know how to hug?

Speaker 1 Bro, I do. The way you said it is like.
Stand up. I'll give you my hug demonstration.

Speaker 1 Duck, my side. That's fine.
You want another hug. No, No, I'm just gonna give you dr.

Speaker 1 I'm not hugging. I'm seeing you hug demonstrations of how I hug.
And I need a fucking mannequin. You're the only one my side.
I'm not a guy.

Speaker 1 I'm a human being.

Speaker 1 Put your clock on. Put the what? Put the goddamn clock on.
You know what I'm talking about. Okay, here we go.
Here we go.

Speaker 1 Well, he'll only do things for a minute because he feels like they might be, you know.

Speaker 1 Alright, here we go. He wants a minute.
He'll only do a minute.

Speaker 1 I gotta pray to God for it. Judy always prays to God before this guy.
So this is my hug. If I haven't seen you, I barely know you're an acquaintance.
But you know, like, we're, you know,

Speaker 1 I haven't seen you in five years. I kind of like you.
It's good to see each other. So what's up, man? What's up, dude?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's it. That's what I would do, right? So that's how long is that.
Okay, so that's over. No, no, no.
That's about that. No, one example.

Speaker 1 I have different styles of hugs. Oh, you do?

Speaker 1 So this is somebody that, like, you know, with kids,

Speaker 1 or like anyone's high school or early 20s, I don't want to, you know what I mean? So I know, like, I go, well,

Speaker 1 hey, no, I'll go like this. Set aside.

Speaker 1 Like set aside. No hog out, right? Right.
And then with comic guys I'm good friends with, like you, right? I'll go, I'll go like, I'll do a hand thing, and then we'll do chest to chest like this.

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 1 And then with you, though,

Speaker 1 my god. With you, right out of the middle of the day.

Speaker 1 I know, I understand that. But with you, when I see you, just listen to me.

Speaker 1 I start, I go like, I go, I just get like, ah, fuck.

Speaker 1 He can't believe it. He can't believe he he sees you.
It's you. You're here.
I can't believe you're in my space. It's incredible.
It's incredible.

Speaker 1 He needs to show you his love. Yeah, yeah.
And then I think of like

Speaker 1 just our history, man.

Speaker 1 Our history, and

Speaker 1 we're the same size, right?

Speaker 1 And I also sense just a little bit of, you know, bisexuality.

Speaker 1 A little bisexuality. A little bisexuality.
A little bit. A little.
Doc? That's it. Tino, doc.
Tino, he's sensing that. That's not.
Come on, Tino. Talk.
Tino, you ain't going to.

Speaker 1 Let me see how you handle this hug. And then we'll, this will be.
I do a slow walk, and we kind of go, we don't say anything, we just kind of lock our eyes up when we turn it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I have to look at the body.

Speaker 1 You're not going to look at the body.

Speaker 1 I can't look at that. You know what I mean? I just have to like.

Speaker 1 I just have to like.

Speaker 1 This is.

Speaker 1 This is.

Speaker 1 a juice.

Speaker 1 Jeez. That's it, Jeeves.
That's it. That's it.

Speaker 1 That seemed like a pretty normal hug. Pretty normal.
I feel like I've seen those kind of hugs all over the place. Those are normal hugs.
Yeah, in prison. That's where the fuck that comes from.
No, no.

Speaker 1 Doc, when your uncle said that you were violent,

Speaker 1 let him get in that little bit. That's normal.

Speaker 1 It's the silliest thing. I don't care for him.
That's the reason we got it.

Speaker 1 Just fancy it was like, it's going to make a lot of noise. And I was like, perfect.

Speaker 1 He's like, He's going to be kind of hard to get in and out of. And that's why I was like, This is going to be perfect for Doc.

Speaker 1 Do your feet hit the ground? Yeah. All right.
Real man.

Speaker 1 All right. We could get a higher chair.
Don't fucking do that shit. Why would you do that?

Speaker 1 Yeah, don't push it, buddy. We'll get you a chair.

Speaker 1 You know what? You know what? That's it. That's it.
That's it. Fancy? Yeah.
That chair becomes Rudy's chair, the pink chair. Order a higher chair where his little legs don't touch the ground.

Speaker 1 Please, please. It's over.
Don't do that. You're talking that shit, you fancy.
You fucked up.

Speaker 1 You're going to look like a fool. You're going to see.

Speaker 1 If you want your boy back, don't do that.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I just want to. Can I just say this, though?

Speaker 1 I want to be real more of a real thing. Let's do something real.
I want to do something real. We've been real on this part.
No, we're being funny. We're poking, joking around.

Speaker 1 I want to say that, you know, Doc,

Speaker 1 I want to apologize to you.

Speaker 1 Because over the years, I think

Speaker 1 I've kind of used you like a toy.

Speaker 1 You're being real. I tried to be real good.

Speaker 1 Can I say what I think you really looked at me as? What? What? You know, on Pornhub,

Speaker 1 whoa, whoa, we're doing the hair like that. Damn.

Speaker 1 Hey, man, come on. Can I talk?

Speaker 1 You know how they like to have that plastic butt plug your ears. You know how to have the plastic butt, and the dude is banging the plastic butt.
You mean like a fake butt? Like a sex doll.

Speaker 1 A sex doll. It's not a doll.
It's just the butt. Right, it's a piece of the doll.
Yeah, because he always liked the black hole. So that's what I'm.
Yeah, there you go. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You lost me. You completely.

Speaker 1 You lost me. Yeah, so you had me at sex doll, and then you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No,

Speaker 1 you lost me at sex doll. You know how I

Speaker 1 click on it, and you think it's like he's smashing a person, and then it's actually a plastic button. Let me ask you this: how long do you watch that video before you go to the next video?

Speaker 1 Not your goddamn business.

Speaker 1 No, I don't know when he stays out. He stays out.

Speaker 1 That's all I need is dig. And this is what he's talking about, The behind the ball.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, so

Speaker 1 that reminds me of Pete.

Speaker 1 You can't put that on. You know what's so funny? Pete just wanted to look at that while we were looking.
He doesn't realize he still can't. He got it on his screen.
He got it on his screen.

Speaker 1 I've been to the porn store, like at the hustler store, and I've thought about buying that. It's so heavy.

Speaker 1 It's so heavy, and it's like, I don't want to walk out, you know what I mean, with this gigantic fucking thing.

Speaker 1 And where would you store it? And then I don't remember. I've got a table from Kalila.
Where would you hide it? In your car. In my fucking bowling bag, probably.

Speaker 1 I don't have a bowling bag. I'll get one.
You'd have to buy it.

Speaker 1 Kalila's like, did you start bowling? I'm bullying. I got to go to the garage and pull it.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I've always also wanted a, like, I've gone to the real doll site.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. And seen how much they cost.
How much are they? Well, the last time I checked, we were like $8,500.

Speaker 1 What? For a real doll? A real sex doll? Real doll? No, it's called, they're called real dolls, and they're like, I think they go for $10,000, $15,000. You're bullshit.
They're beautiful, though. $10?

Speaker 1 Like a real doll.

Speaker 1 Look a real doll. You know, like a fucking fleshlight is like $100.
Look what a real doll looks like, dude. Realistic sex doll by adult female dolls.
But do they have real doll men? For real.

Speaker 1 Oh, they do. They have men too.
There's a document on YouTube where there are men in the world and they marry them. I've seen this guy.
Yeah, they marry them. Yes, I've seen a guy.
There's a guy.

Speaker 1 Full-blown weddings, and

Speaker 1 the parents are always upset almost.

Speaker 1 Don't put Olivia on your vision board.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's insane. It's like a poorly written sitcom when he pops in.
Oh my god, that didn't work. Oh my gosh, fancy.

Speaker 1 Go to YouTube and search up Guy Mary's sex doll. Because this guy, it was so sad.
His family disowned this dude. If you're thinking about the same guy.
The Indian guy?

Speaker 1 I can't live without my real doll.

Speaker 1 See? They have dinner together? Little kissy kiss? Yeah. Originally, when I first got her, I called her my synthetic cook.
I know, but you know what they have to do. But can you imagine? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What if she left him one day? What if a doll just just walked out on him?

Speaker 1 Or they get married? And she goes, I don't.

Speaker 1 I don't. I don't.
Right.

Speaker 1 But you know what he has to do? Oh, my God, it's creepy. Every year, he has to take the vagina out and send it back to Real Doll, the company, so they can clean it out and fix it.
Oh, my God. Right.

Speaker 1 But imagine being that guy. The guy who cleansed it.

Speaker 1 You're starting at vagina cleaning. And then you're just like, oh.

Speaker 1 They don't say that.

Speaker 1 They said returns and exchanges. That was the department.

Speaker 1 You're in returns and exchanges. Yeah.
But here's the problem.

Speaker 1 There's a lot. No, no, because you know what? Let this guy be free.
He's not hurting anybody. He's not harming anybody.
Good for this guy. Here's the real issue.

Speaker 1 He's never going to treat a woman like a human from now on. This is this weird, slippery slope.
Now every woman is going to be

Speaker 1 a real doll. Bro, if he could get women, he might.

Speaker 1 No, he can't. You think that guy's never slept with a woman before? If you watch the documentary, they even say, like, I try to date women.
Like, it's southern. Are they southern from now?

Speaker 1 Yeah, some two of them are. I try to date women, but they don't like me.
I asked Olivia down the street. She said, no, I'll get to that.
I'm just saying,

Speaker 1 it seems to me like it's healthy at some point for him to just have sex toys. But sex dolls seem to be like you might.
This is how you turn into.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know. You know.
That's how you turn into.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Someone that.
Who? Yeah. You.
I'm trying to. Me? Why me? Someone that kills their real life.
Hey, doc.

Speaker 1 Doc,

Speaker 1 If we bought you a sex doll, like a real doll. I wouldn't fuck it.

Speaker 1 If we bought one, would you throw it away? It's $5,000.

Speaker 1 I don't give a fuck how much it costs. I'm throwing a doll away.
Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Fuck you. You wouldn't throw that away.
You know what? We're buying one. We're buying one.
Bad friend's going to buy you a sex doll.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm going to do? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 What kind of genitals do you want out of it?

Speaker 1 Don't you laugh at your uncle. He's a goddamn asshole.

Speaker 1 He's an asshole.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? What kind kind of gentle. I don't know.
You know, it's a regular old woman. Fucking...
No, but I mean, you know, what do you want? Shave?

Speaker 1 You want bald? You want

Speaker 1 beefy? Here's the thing. I don't want...
Beefy. I'm not a big dude.
Here's the thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm not into shave. I like whatever you got, I take it.
But

Speaker 1 you don't mind. That shit could be going down all the way to the kneecaff.
And I'm like, wow. Look at Rudy's face.
By the way, people sometimes go, how do you talk about that in front of Rudy?

Speaker 1 Rudy's the one going to dorm parties to catch some fucking deek on the side.

Speaker 1 I won't won't defile it. Right.
Let me tell you something. Rudy is also 20, almost 21.
Yeah. She's a woman.
She's a full-grown woman. And let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 If I fucking find out that you went to that dorm party and caught Ronan just to get some D, and I found out who the dude is that you got the D from, we're blowing up his spot. He's fucking

Speaker 1 deep shit. We're dripping that guy.
We're ripping him. What's your favorite song? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Baby,

Speaker 1 I need to know.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I think we shouldn't have him on the show.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I'm like, what is he doing on the show? Sometimes I watch him and I go, what are you doing? The way his brain fires. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's incredible. No, thank you.

Speaker 1 Keep going. B-U.

Speaker 1 Okay, so some of the gay might not have rubbed off from your uncle, but some of the other stuff fired up.

Speaker 1 What did you think of the Super Bowl halftime show? Oh, dude, honestly.

Speaker 1 I loved every single second of it. I got goosebumps.
It was incredible. It was incredible.
People shitted on it for no reason.

Speaker 1 It was great. I loved it.
What do you mean? Do y'all think that was the greatest halftime I've of ever? No, I thought Prince was great. Whitney, you know, Houston was great.

Speaker 1 There was a lot of good ones. Great.
Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson.
Jackson with the guy popping up. Man, come on.
I know, but still, that one was a great one.

Speaker 1 It was just iconic because it was Los Angeles and it was LA-based or something like that. That's what I loved about it.
It's a good representation.

Speaker 1 MM. That was weird.
Are you a hater? No, bro. He's from Detroit.
That's why? Yeah, because look, Dre is from Compton.

Speaker 1 Snoop is from Long Beach. Kendrick is from Compton.
It's just weird to also then have Eminem. What about 50 Cent?

Speaker 1 50 Cents from New York. There we go.
But he gets a pass. But you also are New York bound as I just, no, I just,

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, New 50 Cent. I mean, I don't know, him hanging upside down like a bat was very weird.

Speaker 1 That I didn't understand. Yeah, I didn't understand that either.
I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, but you know, was that his idea? I'm sure he was. Or some

Speaker 1 state, some stage director.

Speaker 1 You saw him in the club video. In the club, he was upside down.
Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, in the video.
There could have been an argument, though. Nah, I don't want to do that.

Speaker 1 But you did it at the club. He's like, nah, I'm not trying to do that.
I don't.

Speaker 1 But he obviously said yes because they hung him upside down. Right.

Speaker 1 It's not like they were like, okay, 50, upside down, you go. And they told him on the day, he knew they rehearsed this.
He called it, it was a call back there. And then Eminem took a knee.

Speaker 1 It was wild. He took a knee in the middle of the piano.
Yeah, I liked it. I did not.

Speaker 1 Get up and fucking sing. What are you doing? He finished.
I know, but get up and fucking do it. Do the thing.
No, he finished the song, and then Dre went back to the piano, and he just stayed.

Speaker 1 He stood. Yeah, right there.
I didn't like it. Okay.
What are you doing? Get up. What the fuck are you doing? He's just trying to make a statement.
It's another white guy

Speaker 1 laying down on the job. Yeah.
Well, he makes all the black men do the work behind him. You know what would be great in the new Batman? Am I right or am I right or am I right?

Speaker 1 You know what would be great in the new Batman. They're going to do that.

Speaker 1 If Batman hit bats and they all look like 50 Center.

Speaker 1 Imagine like a thousand 50 Cent bats backwards. Yeah.
And he has this little mechanism and the bats fly. It's pretty dope.
Dude, it'd be dope, bro.

Speaker 1 By the way, how bad am I not going to see the new Batman? You're not going to see it? Robert Pattinson? How the fuck are you going to sell me on that guy? Bro, you.

Speaker 1 How the fuck are you going to sell me

Speaker 1 on Robert Pattinson? Bro, I hated the guy until I saw him in one movie. I don't hate him.

Speaker 1 He's not fucking Batman. He is.
He's not a Batman. If you see him in the lighthouse.

Speaker 1 I've never seen him in the Lighthouse. With Wilm Dafoe, he's a fucking...
masterful actor. I'm not saying he's not a good actor.
You're missing the point.

Speaker 1 He's not a Batman. There is a, You have to be a kind of man to be a Batman.

Speaker 1 That is not Batman. That's a fucking light.
That is... That's a Tim Burton character.
Tim Burton did Batman.

Speaker 1 Fuck, I know. God damn it.
God damn it.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something. Go back to what Robert Panson looks on Batman.
Go ahead and go in Batman. Yeah.
The suit makes anybody look sick. But him without the mask,

Speaker 1 him without the mask looks like that. Yeah.
No, thanks. Yes.
That's not Batman, buddy. That's heroin chic.

Speaker 1 That's emo Batman. Now you're now you're this is like Batman who cuts off.
This is Batman. This is Batman for your generation.
This is Clark Cuts.

Speaker 1 This is for the millennials. I am a fucking millennial.
Well, what's before that? Yes. I don't know what's now.

Speaker 1 What are you? Gen Z. Gen Z, this is for the Gen Z's.
Do you want to watch this Batman? Stop pulling the mic away from your face.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's hot, and I think he looks good.

Speaker 1 Oh, fucking, these kids don't know Shake. That's what I'm saying.
They know why they're doing it.

Speaker 1 What about Zoe Kravitz? You like her as Catwoman?

Speaker 1 That's fine. I don't mind her as Catwoman can be anybody.
Batman is a certain kind of guy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who would you prefer?

Speaker 1 Like, who of the actors right now could do a dope Batman? Let me think.

Speaker 1 This is a good one.

Speaker 1 Michael B. Jordan.

Speaker 1 No. It's time for a black man.
A black Batman.

Speaker 2 He's too hot.

Speaker 1 You just said Robert Crowder is hot. And that's the only reason why you wanted to see it.
You said he's hot.

Speaker 2 Batman needs to to be not that hot, but also not that ugly.

Speaker 1 Oh, she's saying,

Speaker 1 you say,

Speaker 1 you know what? It's a remarkably valid point.

Speaker 1 She is right.

Speaker 1 Because every Batman has been kind of hot, but kind of like whatever. Yeah.
Well, Alec Baldwin, he was.

Speaker 1 Never Batman. Never Batman.
God damn it. What's his name?

Speaker 1 Don't we guess it? Wait, don't give it to it. Don't give it up.
Guess it.

Speaker 1 Just throw out names.

Speaker 1 Some of the Batmans were named Ben.

Speaker 1 Benjamin. Button.
Benjamin Button. Yes, that's right.
One. That's one.

Speaker 1 What's the second one?

Speaker 1 Michael Keaton. You fat.
Very good. The original.
The real talk. Yeah, real talk.
Real talk. What's the third one then? Don't do this, man.

Speaker 1 The third one.

Speaker 1 Why would y'all be like that? Yeah, yeah. Hold on.
What's the third one?

Speaker 1 Michael Keaton named the most famous? That's arguable. He was the original, but who's the most in the more recent franchise? Is what he's talking about.
Oh,

Speaker 1 I can't lie to you. I don't know.
Are you fucking serious? Fucking crazy. Did you never see The Dark Knight? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who is that?

Speaker 1 Ben Affleck?

Speaker 1 Flex.

Speaker 1 Man, why would y'all do this to me?

Speaker 1 We're not shaming you. Yes, I am.

Speaker 1 Yes, I am. Who played the Joker?

Speaker 1 Who played the Joker in the Dark Knight?

Speaker 1 Heath Ledger. Okay, that's good.
That's good. Do thank God because I was going to kick you out of the fire.

Speaker 1 Do you know who the Batman was in the Dark Knight? I forgot his name. Fuck off.
You guys are dog shit. Christian Bale.
Bale. Oh, fuck.
Oh, easy. How did you not know that?

Speaker 1 Matthew McConaughey, Chris Bale,

Speaker 1 remarkably different.

Speaker 1 One's from England.

Speaker 1 Matthew McConaughey and Christian Bale. Do you think those guys are close? Not look, you know, kind of the way they act.
But can I say something about

Speaker 1 Christian Bale? And I want everyone to listen to me right now. When he was a kid, he did a movie.
What was it called? He did a Steven Spielbrick movie. And he was the star of it.

Speaker 1 And he must have been 14, 12 to 14 years old. He was the lead.

Speaker 1 it was called empire of the sun oh i know that love that movie 14 he was he was amazing in that fucking movie and that's when you first saw him watch christian bale in a

Speaker 1 look at how cute he is yeah

Speaker 1 and that one of the lines of the movie is i learned a new word today

Speaker 1 that's the holy fucking thing but he's so good in that and that's the most underrated steven spielberg movie i believe what's the most overrated?

Speaker 1 E.T.

Speaker 1 You didn't like E.T.?

Speaker 1 Rewatching it's a little weird. Does that hurt your feelings, Doc?

Speaker 1 E.T. is like.

Speaker 1 The way you said that, he was at all. Man, because, man, like...

Speaker 1 I cried on E.T., man. That shit.
No, it's a good movie. I'm just saying, comparatively speaking, to Close Encounters.
Close Encounters.

Speaker 1 You compare

Speaker 1 space movies? No, Steven Spielberg movies. Fuck.

Speaker 1 He directed both of them. Yeah, but that's a good thing.
He also directed the thing. What? It's not the same.
Close Encounters more based on what's supposed to be reality. Right?

Speaker 1 Listen to what I'm saying, Doc. All right.

Speaker 1 Out of all the Steven Spielberg movies, E.T. is one of my favorites, right? I like Empire of the Sun.
I think that Close Encounters Jaws is amazing. I just re-watched that.
Jaws is so good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like Christine is one of your favorites too. Christine, huh? Steven Private Ryan, amazing.

Speaker 1 All right, so that's all I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Most overrated, fancy, Spielberg movie.

Speaker 3 I don't know. I don't think he has many overrated movies.
The ones that he doesn't do well, like, people shit on them all the time.

Speaker 1 Like what? Like War Horse or like the BFG or... What was wrong with the BFG? Nothing.
It's okay. Like Tintin.

Speaker 1 I think he had a problem with editing. Like, AI was way too long.
Yeah. Well, I didn't need to see the little robot boy in the middle of the ocean.
I did like that. Why? I don't know.
It was so sad.

Speaker 1 It was so sad. I think I sometimes

Speaker 1 just ripped my heart out a little bit. It ripped my heart out.
I like that sometimes in movies. I like that movie, though.
I want to be shredded a little bit. Yeah.
A little bit.

Speaker 1 You know, I saw, you know, I've been watching Brian DePalma movies. Yeah.
What have you watched recently? And some of them don't hold up.

Speaker 1 Oh, you think you liked her when you were young? The Untouchables, it doesn't hold up. What do you mean? Untouchables is great.
There's so many weird lines in there that Kevin Costner says.

Speaker 1 I don't believe it when he's angry. Really? Yeah.
Come on, guys. No.
What do you believe Kevin Costner has?

Speaker 1 The postman? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Wyatt Earth. Wyatt Earth.
Wyatt Earth. Wyatt Earth.
Yeah. I'm not saying he's a bad actor, but

Speaker 1 he's someone who doesn't give a fuck about golf. Did you ever like Tin Cup?

Speaker 1 I never, I refuse to watch Tin Cop.

Speaker 1 Do you guys know Tin Cup? It's like one of the best movies. Like the magical one where Will Smith plays the magical one.
I don't see that. That's Bagger Vance.

Speaker 1 I don't do any magical black people. Tin Cup.

Speaker 1 Let's get some worth out of you now that you've come in so late. What were you late for? School.
What kind of school?

Speaker 2 I was in school physically doing

Speaker 2 biology lab.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. No, don't.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. Please don't slap that.

Speaker 1 You're condoning

Speaker 1 just absurd behaviors.

Speaker 1 Stuff that his gay uncle would do. And he's like,

Speaker 1 Rudy, you were doing biology lab at home.

Speaker 2 No, in school.

Speaker 1 She went to A in class. You were physically in school now.
Wow. Yeah.
And she was like, I'm not going to make it to 445. Wait, where's your school at? Northridge.
You're Cal State Northridge. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Push it down if you're going to try it. Let's say you try to move the mic.
There you go.

Speaker 1 Big girl.

Speaker 1 Big girl can go to dorm party, get sick. Yeah.
Talk about the dorm party. I want to know what happened there.

Speaker 2 It was so boring.

Speaker 1 Why is it boring? Okay, so you show up. What are you showing him, Doc? Doc, Doc.

Speaker 2 This Instagram.

Speaker 1 What does it say, Doc? You have to speak into the mic because we're on a show. Yeah,

Speaker 1 there's no secrets, man. What does it say, Rudy?

Speaker 2 He got a B in biology.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm talking about in high school. And I see my high school records.

Speaker 1 September.

Speaker 1 Don't say anything. All right.
Just let that sit. Man, we're just trying to connect a little bit.

Speaker 1 I want you to take a second because I know you're going to almost kill him. Yeah.
And that's what I felt like doing. I know.
So let's just take a second and not physically at Salt. It's hard for me.

Speaker 1 It's so hard. It's so hard.
So you got to be. So you interrupted.

Speaker 1 You got to be. You interrupted to get a B, to tell her you got a B in biology.
That's for the hood right there. That's for you.

Speaker 1 You bracket about. You're in the hood and you can get a bad.
Don't you brag about a B.

Speaker 1 You can get a decent grade. You can get the grades.

Speaker 1 Now tell me, in what part of your current life

Speaker 1 are you

Speaker 1 employing this biology that you learned in high school? Not a goddamn hat. Okay, so shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Tell us about biology then. Goddamn haters.
Biology? Yeah. Yeah, the thing you just did.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 2 no, I'm going to tell you about the dorm party.

Speaker 1 All right, all right. Was there biology going on there?

Speaker 2 There was some kissing, so

Speaker 1 that's right. Exchange it.
Exchange it. You weren't kissing anybody.
No. You swear to God?

Speaker 2 I promise.

Speaker 1 No, say you swore to God.

Speaker 2 I swear to God.

Speaker 2 To my mom.

Speaker 1 That I wasn't kissing.

Speaker 2 That I wasn't kissing anyone.

Speaker 1 Did you hook up with anybody? No. Did you get anyone's number?

Speaker 1 A girl, a friend. As a girl to be a friend? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I ask you another thing that I've always wanted to ask you, right? And this is fine. This is fine.
I'm going to be very gentle about it. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 What? What? Don't do this. You know?

Speaker 1 Let it rip.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 are you heterosexual?

Speaker 2 I think I can be by

Speaker 1 both. You could be or you are.

Speaker 1 You think you might be? Might be. Because you like girls.
Yeah. This girl number that you get, did you like her?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but as a friend only.

Speaker 1 Not attractive. But there are girls that you go, oh, I'd like to hang out with them in that way.

Speaker 1 Can I tell my party? All right, go ahead.

Speaker 1 He's not allowed to ask a question. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
You're just like your Uncle Tito, so it's the same.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're saying that I interrupt?

Speaker 2 No, that you're bisexual.

Speaker 1 There it is.

Speaker 1 You didn't catch it.

Speaker 1 Okay, bisexual.

Speaker 1 Before we'll get to your point,

Speaker 1 when you're going down a road, right, you see an accent, you have to go this way.

Speaker 1 So, um,

Speaker 1 don't let me inside what that means, but

Speaker 1 listen to me, man. You think I'm bisexual? Yeah, a little bit.
And why? Because you, you know, yeah. You like to wrestle with dudes.
All right. Well, I didn't kill my gay cousin.

Speaker 1 And I didn't poison my uncle two days ago. So I'm not a murderer.
Okay. So shut your fucking mouth.
All right. Okay, I'm wrong.
Go ahead. Watch it, Ted Bundy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. Talk about the dorm party.

Speaker 2 Okay, so there were only like 15 people in the dorm and it was so tight and it was so hot. And then most of them were like couples.

Speaker 2 So they were like just dancing, like grinding and like kissing each other. And then there were only three people like me.

Speaker 2 My friend and another friend who was just on the side just watching them.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's when you fucking leave.

Speaker 1 Not stay and get Corona. I don't walk into a room, people grinding, and there's no available.

Speaker 1 Get the fuck out of there. Get the fuck out of there.

Speaker 2 That's why we left, and then I met another group of friends, and then we smoked weed, and that's why I got Corona.

Speaker 1 What? You got Corona because you smoked

Speaker 1 drugs.

Speaker 1 You know, this Bad Friends show, we don't, we do not support drug use of any kind. It was just a little bit.
I don't give up

Speaker 1 how much it was, young lady. Yeah.
You are not supporting me. You still have the drugs I gave you, right?

Speaker 1 All right. Because you still have the drugs I gave you? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just got mushrooms this weekend, by the way.

Speaker 1 I'm so excited. In Oregon, there's a woman.
Why do you use it? It's legal in California, people. You could have done that a month ago when I was using.
I didn't want to use with you, bud.

Speaker 1 But that was one of my last things. I was like, I want to do mushrooms.
I know, and I don't want to use it. And I kept asking, I called Ari Shifira.
I go, can you get me mushrooms? No.

Speaker 1 He's like, I'm in New York. Ari.

Speaker 1 Oh, fucking God.

Speaker 1 What am I going to do? I didn't want to use with you.

Speaker 1 You know what? It fucking hurts me, dude.

Speaker 1 When you were in Mexico and you were getting sauced up, I gave you a joint. Yeah.
You took it and you gave it to Donnell Rowling. That's exactly correct.
And then Don Rowell

Speaker 1 went, oh man, this is the best joint I've ever met. And came up on stage, like, that shit was fire, son.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Again, Donnell smoked a whole joint out of South.

Speaker 1 He was saying he said on stage. Google Donnell Rowland.
And he showed up just like he did.

Speaker 1 funny. Fire, son.

Speaker 1 You said Tito making that win.

Speaker 1 In Mexico, we did drink together. No, you drank when I didn't want you to.
I was having a drink at dinner and Fancy Bee was getting fucking wasted. No, no, one time.

Speaker 1 No, we were at, no, one time I said this. No, it's not true.
It's not true. You were getting drunk and I asked you.

Speaker 1 We walked into that bar in the center of the thing, right? And I go,

Speaker 1 you're like, I'm going to go get a drink. And you would do stuff like, I'm just going to get like a seltzer water.
I did. No.
And I would be, one time I go, no, that's bullshit.

Speaker 1 I know what you're getting. Get me what you're getting.
And you got me what you got, and there was alcohol in it. So you did get me.
That's not a true. It's what happened.

Speaker 1 If Fancy knows, that's a fucking lie. First of all, first of all, Fancy knows.
In fact, we talked about it. Yeah.
I gave you a drink that had no booze inside of it. You guys are gaslighting me.

Speaker 1 No, we were protecting you. Is what we were doing.
We did the right thing.

Speaker 1 I know, but what I'm saying, though, is like, listen, I'm sober now. I have, what's today's Wednesday? Today's Wednesday.
I have 30 days today.

Speaker 1 Don't please. But clap.
Speech. Please, please, but clap.

Speaker 1 But I'm 30 days today. Okay.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I still think in my head, I'm like, you know, when I was out there using, I always knew soon,

Speaker 1 right, that I was going to get to a point where it's going to be like, I can't do this anymore. Right.
So in those times when I'm using, I would just like my friends to be around.

Speaker 1 I'm there to support you. I'm not sure if you're not going to be able to do it.
That was so not fun. It was like hanging out with my parents.

Speaker 1 I am like hanging out with my parents. No, no, no.
It was like, don't go there. I'm following you around.
You're Like, you guys follow me around everywhere. Sorry, we're being friends.

Speaker 1 It's similar to the podcast. But go ahead.
What do you mean? Meaning,

Speaker 1 like, he's like your parent on the podcast. You kind of shut your shit down.
Bro, what the fuck? Because you fucking wall up.

Speaker 1 What the fuck is this? What do you even fucking say? I am Papa. No, he's not.
This is a 50-50 thing, dude. No.

Speaker 1 I'm the Papa.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. I'm the bad.
That's the 50. 50 over here, crazy, 50.

Speaker 1 Let me see. You're young.

Speaker 1 We found out. We found out.
Doc killed his gay uncles.

Speaker 1 Timeout. Let's go back.
You went to the stupid fucking dorm party and everybody was dancing. And you stayed for how long?

Speaker 2 I stayed for like 20 minutes because there was alcohol.

Speaker 1 Did you drink?

Speaker 2 Just a little bit.

Speaker 1 How much? Like this. What do you mean? Like this.
A bunch of liquor? What kind of booth? Can I say something to you?

Speaker 2 But I only drink when there's a party.

Speaker 1 What do you say there's a little, right? I don't think that's the true number. It's just a little.
Okay. Be careful.
I know.

Speaker 1 Don't ever do this.

Speaker 1 What's that? Pop a pimple on your nose. No, no, yeah, yeah.
Don't ever tap your finger on your nose, okay? Ever. No, don't ever do that.
Don't ever do cocaine.

Speaker 1 Have you ever been offered cocaine at a party? Nobody has offered you cocaine at a party in Los Angeles. No.
Never. She doesn't go to party.
You fucking loser.

Speaker 1 You fucking nerd. Can I say things? I invite her to like shit.
Yeah. Like, I'm going to this thing.
Dope shit. Dope shit.
She won't go. I don't want to go.
Loser. Yeah, loser.
You fucking loser, dude.

Speaker 1 You ain't offered cocaine.

Speaker 2 Don't do it. But you say I can't do it.

Speaker 1 You don't do it. You can smoke it.
You can smoke it, but you can't stand it.

Speaker 1 No, don't do it. Don't do it, please.

Speaker 1 Have we tried? None of your business, buddy. Have you done it? No.
Cocaine? Never. Smoke crack? Never.
Meth. No.
You're going the other way. No, I have? Yeah.
Oh, I think meth is like pot. Anyway,

Speaker 1 no.

Speaker 1 So you've only done hallucinogenics, weed, and alcohol. Hallucinogenics.
Yes. Acid, mushrooms.
Yeah. And then pills.
Opiates like Vicodin, those things. Yes, and then ecstasy.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 Before Molly was what it was now. Have you done Molly? I've done MDMA, yeah.
Okay. And then...

Speaker 1 So do all those. Well, those are.
Because Uncle Tito

Speaker 1 does them. No, no, I don't do them.

Speaker 1 I've tried them, and guess what? That's why I look like I look. Do you want to turn out like me? Yeah, he looks.

Speaker 1 like me, kiddo. No, you want to be pretty and young.
Don't do drugs. Don't do drugs.
Look at Pete. Pete's 13.

Speaker 1 Look at a fucking awful he is.

Speaker 1 Pete's been doing drugs for too many years. Yeah.
By the way, what have you done? We already talked about it. Yeah, we talked about it.

Speaker 1 By the way, welcome back. Welcome back to Pete.
And I want to say thank you for Pete Pete because he got over COVID. He got sick too.
This whole family got over. Oh, yeah, COVID gang in the building.

Speaker 1 Hey, have you? Have you got eight? Yeah, yeah. Have you gotten eight yet?

Speaker 1 Fancy has not. I have either.
No, you have. I'm immune, Mike Bobby.
What? We are immune. I think we're immune.
Shut the fuck up, Fancy. I really do.
Because Gilbert, same thing.

Speaker 1 Can I just say something? Let me just say something. You probably were asymptomatic.
Right. Yeah, no, but that's still kind of.

Speaker 1 Ask your wife, Fancy. They say that 90-something percent of Americans have come in contact with it, and you're probably just asymptomatic.
Yeah, the strong ones.

Speaker 1 The strong ones, right?

Speaker 1 You're the weakest guy in this room.

Speaker 1 No, but his insides are strong. No, they're not.
Yours are weak. No, they're not.
He's never exercised once. Neither of you.
That's why, then, that we still can't get COVID. Anyway, let's move on.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, I'm going to be like Herman Kane. I cannot wait.
Yeah, yeah. I cannot wait.

Speaker 1 I remember what they said.

Speaker 1 I take it all back.

Speaker 1 Anyway, that was a great one. Great episode.
Great episode so far. As a big family, let's say thanks for being a bad friend on the count of three because we're all back.
One, two, three.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Woo!

Speaker 1 You have to open it. I know what it is.

Speaker 1 Take it up. Oh, let me ask you.
Let me ask you.

Speaker 1 I just saw it. What do you think it is?

Speaker 1 Taco Bell. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you got me Taco Bell. Today? Yeah.
Yeah, and a sauce.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Do you want it, Doc? I don't want it. No, I don't want it.
No, I want it.

Speaker 1 You bought it for yourself. It's fucking rude.

Speaker 1 You're no child.