A Kid at the Crib

Hey, everybody.

April 15th, Andrew and I, Bad Friends, is going to be at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival.

In Austin, Texas.

In Austin, Texas.

And tickets go on sale soon.

Tickets are about to be on sale.

Yeah, so check it out.

Also, one of my best friends in the whole world is playing the Irvine Improv.

March 18th and 19th.

Exactly.

And even though I sold out every show I did there, I want Andrew to be sold out too, okay?

March 18th and 19th. Come see me at the Irvine Improv.
Sell it out, guys. AndrewSantino.com for the tickets.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Welcome back to the show.
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the show.
Nice day for a wedding. I was listening to that.
And I don't even know what that means, but are there black people at the wedding? Do you know what that song's about? No, what is it? It's a nice day to start again. That's what it's about.
That's what it's about. No, you know what it's's about no what is it it's a nice day to start again that's what it's about no you know what it's really about what is it about so his sister from what i what i and pete can look this up yeah his sister was kind of uh exiled from the family so to speak or she was like the black sheep of the family and that song is like saying oh this white puritan you know this puritanical idea of weddings and it cleans you out and bro it makes you perfect i never listened to the song going wow they're excluding black and other minorities i know what it has nothing i know what white wedding means what does it mean it means that they're wearing white yeah right and it's also the institution is very clean and white but he's saying it because his sister was like a black sheep of the family and it's like oh what.
What does black sheep mean? She's black? She's adopted? So you're the black sheep of comedy. Oh, I'm adopted.
No, no, you're the black sheep of comedy. In the comedy world, you're the black sheep.
Dude, don't hurt my feelings right now, dude. I'm very vulnerable.
The little yellow sheep. No, why am I black sheep? Why am I black sheep, though? Because you're the outcast.
You're the. I'm not the outcast.
I'm very healthy. Did you lose some weight? Dude, I've been losing weight.
I look great. You look...
No coughing. Let's give it up for a weight loss.
My breathing is better. No coffee? You just had some of that double shot espresso.
I've been hiking? You literally have a fucking Red Bull and a double shot espresso. What does that mean? What do you mean no coffee? You're having so much caffeine and torient.
No, I said no coughing. I said coffee.
Why would I say no coffee, you fucking ding-dong? What do you mean no coughing? I'm not coughing coughing anymore i don't breathe as weird you know i mean you have to breathe heavy all right so let's let's test that theory yeah let me hear you just it just nose into the mic let me hear you breathe calmly but dude i mean you could hear me like you my face makes a lot of noise it's yeah dude when i When I smile, my eyes... Oh, hey, man.
When I smile, my eyes crinkle. Talking about a black sheep.
Talk about black sheep. Yeah, yeah, what's up? What's up, Blake? What's up, man? You still got COVID or no? How you doing? Any pussy since COVID or no? Nothing, man.
I've been on lockdown. Dude, everyone's been asking where Doc has been.
He's been sick for no shit four months. Man, man.
Did you die and come back? Bro, you know what? The cough is so fucking crazy with COVID. It's like it keeps you locked down.
You can't fucking talk. You can't laugh.
So I was like, fuck. And when y'all was hitting me up, I was like, nah, I can't do it, man.
Yeah, but now are you regretful that you weren't my more mindful about protecting yourself nope you know i want to fucking transmute and change and it's gonna get you the next time i'm rooting for covid next time dude you had it twice twice i had it in 2020 and I was going to get it last year, but I made it past the Delta.

And I was like, okay, I'm invincible then.

Boom.

Can we do a fan duel?

COVID versus Doc and do a betting thing?

Yeah, do it.

Yeah, let's do that.

Fan duel.

You gained weight though, huh?

No, I lost weight.

I don't know.

Oh, that shirt is a medium.

You look like a fat P with that green shirt.

What's your weight at right now? I'm at 160. I was at 178.
Oh, that's pretty good. You lost a little weight.
What did you get down to? You know Bobby lost weight. I'm 163.
In rehab, you lost weight. You lost seven or eight pounds.
No, I was at 180. No.
Bro, I was. Were you really? Yeah.
Holy shit. Me too.
Man, that's a connection. Well, you know what? You guys are the same height, same size.
Same size. Two little roly-poly.
You never fucking call me a roly-poly, but I would love to roly-poly with you one day. Dude, you know the whole thing? Two peas in a pod? If you weren't two peas in a pod, we'd be fucking, dude.
Two roly-polies in the show. Imagine us little two peas.
Will you guys do the roly-poly together? You want a roly-poly together, dude, or what? No, I'm good. I just got back.
I'm going to roly-poly. Doc, get down there and roly-poly with him.
Doc, get down there and roly-poly with him. Come on, Doc.
Come on, Doc. Look at how sweet he looks.
Yeah, he looks good. Come on, Doc.
He's roly-poly-ing. I like him.
Yeah, Yeah, Doc. Come on.
A little roly-poly there. What was that? What was that roly-poly? What was that? You had a ninja stir.
What the fuck was the stir? If you want to stay on the show, you got a roly-poly with him. No, fuck it.
All right. I got to quickly.
I reversed that. Fine.
The judges came back. Can I ask you something? I know you're trying to hide your friend with the glasses but who's your friend right there? Oh, that's a pimple.
Dude, I have a pimple right there. I have one right there.
Dude, I have one right here, dude. You know what this is from? What? Fucking masks.
I've been traveling on airplanes flying across the country wearing masks. I got acne underneath my fucking eyeball and on my nose again.
But he tried to sneak diss me and he fucking got one too. Because I'm going to tell you where this one came from.
Where did it come from? Chappelle Lacey. How? It's a fucking voodoo.
This is a fucking witch's work, dude. It's voodoo, dude.
I hung out with him the other day. Fucking, he's doing his flips.
His voodoo flips, bro. Yeah, he does flips.
He can just do flips, huh? I don't like it, dude. He was a gymnast, right? Or a cheerleader or some shit like that? Yeah.
How do you feel about that? You know, it's different. You know what? Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. I love the start of war.
No, yeah, we're going to start one. Because when you dig and black like that, I'm like linebacker.
But if you're doing flips, that's my department because I'm 5'3". That's with the Olympics, right? No? Oh, what you're saying is that if they did an Ocean's Eleven, you know how that little Chinese man? Yeah.
You know, they put in a little vase and they snuck it through the thing I don't know I haven't seen the movie but I know there's a little Chinese man they put in a little vase and they stick it through the thing right so what you're saying that if they did an Ocean's Eleven with all black people that's him right there right you would be that guy there you go so if we did a heist we would need Doc because he would do the flip you could put him in a little he he still needs to thin out a little bit because i think you wouldn't fit in a vase you'd fit in one of those bulbous vases where they pull out right we need you to lose a little bit of weight before we get you in a vase i was gonna say uh because there's this thing where you know what bobby would know you wouldn't know tino but bobby would know go ahead when you there's like when you see somebody like over six feet or six you know like big you don't get kind of like that's a waste right there you know what i'm saying you don't ever be like i'm over six feet what the fuck are you talking about i love it though but keep doing i love being me but i'm just saying though when you see somebody like chappelle you're like that's a waste of talent right there that's what you're thinking like linebacker zion williams all right Because you know what? He's talking all sorts of... Zion Williams.
Your pal is not that big of a dude. He's 5'7", dude.
What the fuck are you talking about? I thought I was like 6'7". He's maybe 6 feet tall.
Yeah, call him. Not picking up your call.
That's a big mark. Bobby, that's a big mark.
Bobby hates when people don't pick up his call. That's a big no-no.

How do you pick up your phone call in mid-flip?

What if he's flipping right now?

Hello?

He's mid-flip.

He's mid-flip.

He's one of them black dudes that's kind of busy.

Please leave your message.

You're going to leave a message.

Come here.

You want me to leave me?

You can come toward me.

Okay.

Just give him the phone. Just give him the phone so he doesn't have to get up.
Just throw it. No, just no.
You can just speak your phone. Come over here, fucker.
Oh, no. Yeah.
Tell him in me. Go ahead.
Shapiro Lacey. Get it.
Bad friends. What do you have, Blake? Why are we calling you? And you ain't...
Hey, remember when you did the open mic set for four? Good times. What about how you're saying that he's wasting his body?

He's talking shit about you, Chappelle.

He's talking shit about you and how you're doing flips.

He doesn't like it?

You know how it is.

You're a big black dude.

Black on black crime ain't.

We don't accept that, but right now, man.

This is black on black crime at its finest.

I'm leaving all that flipping and tumbling and shit like that.

That right there.

Let me say something to Doc.

Go ahead.

Let's go step by step through your COVID diagnosis and your what happened who did you get it from from I was at work you I mean we got you that chair on purpose yeah I know you did this is fucking it's kind of cool though I feel like I'm in my own zone right now you are yeah he's color coordinated. He's color coordinated.
Look at his shoes and his shirt. Yeah.
Looking sexy. Did you just buy those shoes, dude? Because they look brand new.
They are. No, no.
I've been at them. Okay.
So what was the first symptom? I'm sure it's different for little people like you. So what happened? I'm not sure what that means.
Yeah. You know what that means.
I had a runny nose. My nose started running.
A little drippy nose. A little drippy nose.
See, I like the way he cares. Yeah.
A little bit of care right now. Go ahead.
A little sarcastic. Imagine how tiny his cough was.
Achoo. Achoo.
He is so cute. I'm glad y'all are a little team.
All right, so now. And his little tiny lungs.
Oh, so small. His little tiny lungs.
Yeah, yeah. Like those little poppable bubbles that come in a pop.
And he hacks. in a pot Like little cashews sitting in my chest It's a little fucking visine drop He's like oh that's a big one There he goes I can swim in that puddle So I got that And then I got a tickle in my chest Just like the first time I got it It's like a's like uh i love it what else happened now that you know i had to take a baby aspirin are they shaped with flintstone cartoon character maybe a minion or whatever all right so what happened then so when uh I, you know because i work with amazon part-time right yes which is scary which is well amazon is actually good about testing the people so they allow you to be tested twice a week so that's how i usually remember i was telling you yeah yeah yeah for us so i had a kid at the crib and i said my nose running it feels like i got covered again wait wait who was at the crib me no, you said you had a kid at the crib.
You had a kid at the crib? No, I said I was at the crib. Man, are y'all listening? You said I had a kid at the crib.
I'll do it. You went, I had a kid at the crib and I said my nose was running.
So who's this kid that's in your house? There's no kid in the crib. All right.
I'm safe.

It's recording.

Yeah, we got it on tape.

We have it on tape.

Yeah.

And when you rewind, I'm going to be right.

And you guys owe me a free up. Did you guys hear what he said?

What did he say?

He said, I have a kid in the crib.

You don't say that?

Yeah.

All right.

So listen, you had a little tickle tackle.

You had a little drip drop.

Real talk.

Yeah.

And then you also realized at some point when a kid was at the crib.

There was no kid.

Relax.

There was a kid at the crib.

There was.

You said it.

And you realized, uh-oh, Black Magic got the Rona.

Right.

At some point, Black Magic had the Rona.

At one point, Black Magic looked at his nuts.

It started shrinking. And then you realized your nuts were always that size.
No. By the way, do you know that Corona, you had it twice? COVID has been proven scientifically.
Certain cases have shrunken people's penises. I swear to God.
Look it up right now. Look it up.
They've done genital shrinking. So you mean tell me I went from four to three now? No, you went from red.
He went from soft. Can COVID shrink your penis? One man in the United States agree and close.
One man in the United States believes the virus irreversibly shortened his manhood. Is he white? That doesn't want to do.
He is white. Yeah, he didn't have a lot to lose.
He's in denial. That's what he is.
How funny. He's saying that to the girl he's dating.'s like COVID struck my penis I had a huge penis before this or what if what if like he's not he's everyone every guy gets their dick strong but they're just so fucking scared to say anything nobody wants to talk about it he's the first guy that's like you know I gotta say something finally the rest of them no it's fine I had COVID but I guess I should have injured my penis before anytime you get sick I think your dick is strong.
Do you think so? Yeah. Anybody at home, by the way.
You had COVID? Can I see? Look at your dick. No, we don't do this.
I've never seen you. Look at your dick.
You're not going to see it right now. What? Because it's shrunk? Yeah.
It's as tiny as it's ever been. All right.
That's what you do. That's the rule.
Turn off the lights, girl. Don't fucking...
You don't ever want to see you soft. Time out.
Time out. Turn off the lark.
You ever do that Tito?

Turn off the lark.

No.

Dude, I had a girlfriend once.

She used to do this.

It was me.

I had a girlfriend where I never,

she never showed me her ass.

She hated her ass.

Why?

So every time she got out of the bed,

she held her ass like this.

What?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

She didn't want you to see her butt?

She didn't want, yeah.

Was it bad?

But one night though,

I was doing her from behind

and I had the little switch, light switch.

And I looked, and I regret turning it on.

I turned it right off.

It was, like, flat like this.

Oh, it was a table.

It was like a table.

You didn't feel it when you were having sex?

You didn't understand it when you were having sex?

I would think I was grabbing her hips.

She had wide hips.

Oh, she was birthing hips.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I would just slam her like this, right?

But my hands were flat like this.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was terrible.

Can I ask you a question?

Have you ever had a butt so big that it scared you?

What?

Was she Asian?

Ooh, Doc.

I just asked a question.

It is still Black History Month, to be fair.

We got to let her get over.

Is it?

Is it?

It is.

I just asked a question.

She was white.

Okay.

But white women are plagued with that same thing sometimes. Flat butt? Sometimes.
A lot of people are plagued with flat butt disease. I think Fancy has a flat butt.
I do. Yeah, yeah.
I don't have no cheeks. I don't want no cheeks.
You have a flat butt? Yeah. I have cake.
Can you turn around real quick? I got a lot of cake. Can you turn around real quick? No.
This guy. Dude.
He's so rude. He's so rude.
I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love it. So COVID fucked with your mind too.
Yeah. So go ahead.
So what else happened? So I took the test. Uh-huh.
And on a Sunday, I mailed it in on a Monday and I got sick. Then Tuesday I started coughing and then they sent me a message in my email saying, you got COVID.
I'm like, yeah, I I'm fucking sick. Like you know I already knew and that's what happened.
The boy got sick like that. And you were at the house? Did you leave the house when you still had symptoms? No.
Doc? Went to the grocery store. Yeah I know he went to the grocery store.
Why you go to the store? Because I can tell. You know he goes to the store when he gets sick.
Yeah. I went to CVS.
And it wasn't because I didn't have no cold medicine already. It's just because I wanted more.
But you could have just gotten it delivered. Don't you work for Amazon? Yeah.
Let's see what we're doing. Wait, do you have access to the warehouse? Everything.
Right. So can't you go to the vitamin C aisle and the zinc aisle? No, I don't work like that, Playboy.
Don't call me a Playboy.

What the fuck happened to you, dude?

Dude, COVID changed this guy.

COVID fucked your mind up.

Can I do an 80s joke real quick?

Yeah, please.

Can I do an 80s joke real quick?

Is the kid in your house Willis?

Your brother's Willis?

Yeah, my brother Willis.

Different strokes for you people who don't know.

Google it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to do an 80s joke.
Can. Can I just throw an ABC? You're allowed to.
Yeah, thank you. Go ahead.
So you went to CVS. Where else did you go while you were sick? I know you went to multiple places.
Don't front on me. I know you went to a few spots.
Go ahead and say it. Man, why would you do this? You went to the liquor store, didn't you? You know I don't want to pay the...
You know I ain't quarantined like that. Before you did anything, you went to the liquor store, be honest.
Whiskey. No, no.
We got wine. We got wine.
Nope. Nope.
No drinking while I'm sick. Bullshit.
Bullshit. Bullshit.
Oh, you're drunk now? Are you drunk now? No. What's in the chair? Well, you know, a little bit of juice, but it ain't.
Can I tell you something? When he scoots back in that chair, it is so funny to me. He's a funny.
When he wiggles out in that chair, it's like when I put my dog on its back and she's trying to get back on her front legs. Bro, when God created you, he said to all his people, right? I'm going to take my time with this one.
Yeah. I'm going to spend a day on this one.
Go to the kids. Go to the kids' drawer.
You got the legs, right? Go to the mythological section right they got golems the stomach right right the dwarf heads dwarf heads he picked up Doc like this and he was perfect he was perfect and he goes and now for the height oh oh let's go and he dropped it right down to earth right so then it. So then he went right down to earth.
Right. So you were supposed to be 6'8".
Yeah. That was God's plan.
Yeah. Yeah.
But he knew that I could handle being 5'3". He said, he still could be sexy.
I'm going to send him out there in a union. You know what? Heavy props on that.
He knew you could handle it. You're a confident fucking dude.
Did you see Genius? Did you watch Kanye West documentary? No. Did you? They just call it Genius?

It's called Genius.

J-E-N-Y-U-S.

Where's the thing?

Can we talk about it when I watch it?

Yeah, that's fine.

It's on Netflix.

I like to watch it when it's out.

I got to tell you, dude.

What?

What's the movie?

God, I love this, dude.

Because he's nuts, dude.

I love how nuts he's nuts.

It's awesome.

He's like you.

It's the same way I like you. I love you because you're fucking crazy no i'm not bro bro bro you're fucking crazy bud you're crazy yeah you are i'm not look at how you're reacting to this normal guy wouldn guy wouldn't do that.
All right, say it again then. You're fucking crazy.
You're an absolute psychopath nutbag. That's fucked.
So what is the meaning of it all? Why are you crazy? No, why are you saying this? Because look at you. I'm not.
Dude, you're a fucking nutbag. I'm not a nutcase.
I'm not. The way you laugh.
I feel good. Look at him.
That's just the way I fucking express my joy It is And I love your joy And first of all I am not crazy I'm misunderstood Correct You know what I also I hate when people say I've heard producers say We love about it He's eccentric Eccentric What does that mean? It means you're fucking crazy But I don't like it Because I when you Google eccentric, then you'll see like Dali. Salvador Dali? Yeah, a photo of Dali.
You're a fucking genius. With an eagle.
All right, let's see what eccentric means. Go to eccentric and what does that mean? Let's see the definition.
Dali. Why do you say Dali? It's Dali.
Salvador Dali. Salvador Dali.
It's Dali. It's Dali.
Dali. Whose country are you? What is it? Dali? Dali.
Dali. Yeah, if you're Spanish.
I'm Spanish. Ask Pete.
Pete's an American. How do we say it, Pete? What do we say? I say Dali.
Yeah, Dali. Salvador Dali.
No, you said Dali like I did. Dali.
Yeah, Dali. But look at who you're amongst of the eccentric people.
Einstein, a genius. That's cool.
Dali. That's cool.
A genius. That's cool.
That lady. That's basically you.
That lady. That's you.
If you were white, that's you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Where's Pee Wee Herman? He should be on that list.
Why? Because y'all got the same quirky, weird-ass shit. You are kind of close to Pee Wee.
Yeah. Paul Rubens.
Paul Rubens. There you go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. God bless.
Jacking off in a fucking... can see that I can see that How fucking dare you I've never jerked off In a movie theater before But I could see you doing it Yeah No I wouldn't First of all It was in a porno theater You never jacked off Anywhere outside of your house Have you ever jacked off Outside of your home Yeah my hotel rooms outside of a hotel room comedy club oh my

god outside of a comedy club work like when it was a restaurant i jerked off in the bathroom okay every time every yeah what are you blown away blown away okay lunch break yeah i'm slammed right and then i see a hot girl come in and i go i gotta go you know and i jerk off how about at your trailer when you're on set.

One time.

Can I just say it one time?

Go ahead.

One time. Can I just say one time? Go ahead.
One time. One time I literally thought I was going to be banned from show business.
Because I was I was, you know, when I was on Spilling Up Together, I was in Warner Brothers lot and I had a night shoot, right? And then I had an early call, so I said, can I just sleep here? Right? You wanted to sleep in the trailer? So I did. I didn't have a trailer.
I had a dressing room. Oh, right.
So I just slept on the lot. It was physically in a building on the lot.
In a building, and I had a shower. I remember.
I had my name on the thing, right? So late at night, I was on my couch, and I was on the bed couch, and I was going on their Wi-Fi, right?

And I was looking up my weird porn, right?

And then the next day, I was telling one of the actors, I go, yeah, I was jerking off the weird porn last night.

He goes, you logged into the Wi-Fi?

And I go, yeah.

He goes, Warner Brothers has that record now, man.

They track all of it.

Yeah, I was going to say. No, but that's not true yes it is oh they did no after the Sony leak no I googled no I googled it there's no way and I also went to the oh you think they're gonna tell you I went to the cyber unit and I go the cyber unit I do imagine imagine you walk in he's in the cyber unit.
This guy's having to help me. Imagine.
Yeah, yeah. Ship Station.
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Because a lot of my business is through e-commerce. Yes.
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Better help. Oh my God, Andrew.
During the pandemic and now, even after going to rehab, I use BetterHelp because I need therapy once a week. You do.
You need therapy. We all need it.
I love BetterHelp. Relationships take work, Andrew.
I don't know if you know that. A lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about, right? We'll go out of our way to treat other people well, but how often do we give ourselves the same treatment? Not often.
Not often. I go out of my way to help you out, and I don't get enough help myself.
So this month, BetterHelp is online therapy. They want to remind you to take care of your most important relationship, the one you have with yourself.
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This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. I'm 27 days of no porn.
We kicked the habit. Raise your hand in this room.
Let's talk to the dorks in the window. Yeah.
You guys have never signed up for porno sites. Never.
Never. Because why? Because it's free.
Yeah. It's insane to think you guys would do this.
Doc, doc, doc. Do you notice that the three guys that are saying, wait, like free, are what? You got it.
Exactly. First of all, Andres is not one of us.
I'm going to just say Cajun. Can I say Cajun? We're not looking at, we're not saying the color of your skin.
Yes, you were. No.
Weak. Weak.
You're weak. Do you want to have a fight? Yeah, I don to have a fight? You want to do a treat? You're cheap and you're weak and you justify different things.
Cheap? You're the kind of guy, right? Cheap? You're the kind of guy who goes to Mendocino Farms and goes, you know what? That Ruben sandwich is a little too pricey. I'm going to go next door to fucking Patsy's.
Oh, I don't pay for my food. That's who you are.
You know what? Not all of us are privileged and came from wealth like you. Oh, that's funny.
We're not all Jack Harlow. We don't come from millions of dollars.
Oh, that's hilarious. This guy makes sacrifices over here, buddy.
I was going to say this. You're the guy? I know how much you make.
This guy makes sacrifices. You can afford the fucking pastrami sandwich at Mendocino.
It's where I come from. I come from regular people.
No, you come from upper middle class, white suburbia. I've seen the first of all it's middle class I've seen you with a baseball bat it's brand new the shit that we had to fucking dance because of our skulls you're from the most affluent part of San Diego you're from rich boy San Diego I'm from the ghettos Chula Vista shut the fuck up right by the border dude how many bedrooms are in your house how many bedrooms are in your house as a kid? Dude, I was fucking- How many bedrooms were in your house as a kid? Let me count.
I have to count. I have to count.
How many bathrooms is more important? Wait, what? Let me count. Okay.
One. Bathrooms? One, two, three.
We had four bathrooms. Yeah.
What the fuck? Thank you. And then we had, wait, how many- Detroit? They had one in the whole city.
They had the same ones. How many bedrooms? I had one, two, three.
Four bedrooms. Okay.
Four baths. What's the problem?? That's upper class.
Yes. But you don't know what the building looked like.
Yes, I do. I've seen photos of your house that you grew up in.
We put it on this show. It's beautiful.
Yeah, it's beautiful. How many bathrooms did you have as a kid? Depends on who I was staying with.
You know what I mean? You know how it is. One, four, no.
You're with Willis. We are with her.
Hey, it's called back. And don't ever fucking make fun of me again.
Thanks for the laugh, guys. When you were with the Lollipop gang, did you guys all share one bathroom? Why did you laugh? It was good.
Time out. When you grew up as a kid, how many bathrooms did you have in your home? We had two.
That seems reasonable. Because we stayed in a two-family flat.
Do y'all know what that is? A two-flat. Yeah, a two-family flat.
Yeah, a two-family flat. So how many people lived in the two-bedroom flat? One, two, three, four, five, six.
Six. Wait, six in total or six in one flat? Six in one flat.
That's a lot. Two flat? I mean, two in total, my bad.
So there's four bedrooms with six people. So you slept with somebody? Yeah.
Who? My uncle. The gay uncle? Oh, my God, dude.
We know now. That was from...
Oh, no, this is... Isn't the gay uncle? We know now.
Bro. Fancy, help me.
We know now. Cut his mic off.
Cut the mic. Cut the mic.
Dude. I get it.
I know where you're going. Two things.
One, putting a knife behind his head, really bad idea. Insane, he's going to kill himself.
Two, it's insane that we put that right by his head. Yeah, we'll apologize.
And two, San Diego makes perfect sense now. San Diego? Dude, remember when we were in San Diego in the hotel room and he told a story about his gay uncle? Yep.
His karate kid. His karate.
See? Oh my God. I'm so sorry, dude.
You're a victim. You're a victim.
You're a victim. We're so sorry.
Well, you know, hold up. Hold up.
First of all, that's a different uncle. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. First of all, how are we supposed...
I don't think so. By the way, I don't believe it at all.
I don't believe it at all. You have one uncle.
As far as I know, you have one. The gay one.
I have three gay uncles. You have three gay uncles? And a gay cousin.
And which of the uncles that you slept with in your room? If he has three gay uncles, one of them slept in his gay. Okay, so the karate incident was with my uncle on my father's side.
Right. The other one is on my mother's side.
All right, so the uncle on your mother's side that slept in the same room as you, was he gay? Yeah. Okay.
But he also was... He runs in the blood.
Uncle Jim, what the fuck are you going to say? He was mentally challenged. I didn't want to put it out there, but you guys...
Oh, my God. But you guys fucking asked.
Time off. How guys fucking ass time off you had a gay mentally handicapped uncle that you slept with in the room in the bed yeah wait you slept in the same bed yeah it's my uncle we was we were the same age he's only two three years old i'm not inferring anything what you do it's cultural we're not making fun of your culture years older than me.
My uncle, Terrell. Same size? Please tell me he's the same size.
No. He was taller than me, man.
Who was the big spoon? Oh, you were the little spoon? No one would have no idea. Did you only go butt to butt? You never, ever spooned? Yeah.
Butt to butt. Always, every night.
If all real ones do it, you know. Can I ask you a question? Go ahead.
Obviously, when you're sleeping, you have no control of what you're doing with your body and whatnot, right? Right. Have you ever woken up and you were face-to-face with your uncle? Never, bro.
Not one time? No. I doubt it.
That's impossible. Doc.
That's impossible. It's impossible.
It's impossible. It's impossible.
It's impossible. It's impossible.
It's impossible. It's impossible.
It's impossible. It's impossible.
It's impossible. It's impossible.
It's impossible. It's impossible.
It's impossible. It's impossible.
It's impossible. It's impossible.
It's impossible. I know what I went through.
Okay. I know.
Tell us what you went through. Yeah, we want to know.
I'm telling you. It's not your fault.
You can't tell me that. It's not your fault.
One night you didn't wake up and you guys were wrapped all over each other because it was cold? Nah, because he wasn't into sucking dick then. He was on a cusp.
You know what I'm saying? He was right. Wait, wait.
What kind of- What do you mean? It's not like a license. He had autism? I don't know what he had because back in the 80s, you didn't get diagnosed.
You just walked around and you were just held back. Well, you poor.
Okay, well, in the 80s... Yeah, they didn't have...
Autism wasn't a big thing in the 80s. Everybody know that.
So he was just walking around undiagnosed. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm just telling y'all what the fuck going on We didn't have penicillin But he had

He was in the slow classes

So he was held back

In elementary with me

Where he should have been in middle school

And we're not making fun of that

What's his name

Is he still alive

No he died

Oh shit

How'd he die

He was killed by a gay serial

Thank you. is he still alive is he still alive no he died oh shit what the fuck how did he die he was killed by a gay serial killer see yes see you fucking ass hold hold the phone your uncle was murdered yes by a guy who was into killing who's a gay no he wasn't he was killing gay people.
Yeah, because he was gay. Obviously because he was was into killing, who was a gay serial killer? No, he wasn't.
He was killing gay people.

Yeah, because he was gay. Obviously because he was gay.

The serial killer was obviously I want to kill a bunch of gay guys.

Yep. I thought that's what I was like.

That would have been. Chop, chop, chop.

Chop, chop, chop.

Yep, I'm going to save the penis.

Yeah.

So what you're saying is

there was a serial killer who only killed gay guys because he wasn't gay. Yes, he was.
I don't know. They never caught the guy.
Can we be logical? The guy. Yeah, yeah.
This is crazy. Can we be logical adults? If there's a guy who's a serial killer that only kills gay men, he's obviously gay and repressed and fighting some sort of fucking societal feelings.
And he's- Like Mike Pence. What's the word for that, fellas? Like Mike Pence.
Like Mike Pence. What's the word for that? Yeah, yeah, yeah for that yeah yeah what's the word for repression because y'all call me that because i i honestly believe now my theory well first of all you wouldn't roly-poly at the beginning of the show and and i don't have to roly-poly with bobby because bobby always go to the you know no but i think don't do that see what'll come up i think you exude this this this mask right that i'm this masculine right play? Playboy.
Tough guy. Tough guy, this and that.
You know what I mean? Funny guy, this and that, right? But I think you're hiding something. First of all, I think it's hereditary.
It is? Yeah. Both of his bloodlines have a lot of gay people.
Both of your bloodlines have it, right? Interesting. You have this false, like this weird, like that's not even authentic.
Are you an uncle? No. I don't have no brothers and sisters.
That's right. That's right.
So I just think that, you know, my theory is, I'm not going to say it. Say it.
That you might be. Let's say it on the count of three.
Yeah. All right.
One, two, three. Yeah.
First of all, let's take a stance on this show as bad friends we don't we support all people we do of all genders and colors and creeds we love all that shit that being said i don't believe for a second that you didn't have some sort of experience like you told us in san diego with the uncle that you slept with in a bed bro, this ain't Christianity. It's not about what you believe.
It's real. What does that mean? It means that you can't believe this just is, right? Yeah, it is.
It happened. It did his happen.
It's like this. It's like, you know, sometimes when- You're lying to us.
It's like a kid who's addicted to crack, right? He finds himself in a crack house. Right.
Right?

And the parents come in.

What are you doing?

I'm not smoking crack.

Sure.

Right?

What are you doing here?

Sure, right.

You know what I mean?

I think that's what I'm sensing here.

Correct.

So you replaced a crack pipe with a dick?

Correct.

Yes.

Can we go back?

That's not a good logic.

Can you give me something?

Okay.

I'm almost there, but I couldn't.

He's almost there. Let's go back.
Okay. Your a good logic.
Can you give me something? I'm almost there, but I can't. He's almost there.

Let's go back.

Okay.

Your uncle was murdered.

He was murdered.

Holy shit.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I mean, that's insane.

I'm so sorry.

How old were you when that happened?

It was 96.

Did they catch this man?

So you were 48?

No.

They never caught the man.

And that's what they were.

That's why the police said that there was a guy going around shooting and killing.

What? Oh, my God. Oh, shit.
I know. Fancy.
Fancy, I'm scared. You're the killer.
You're the killer. You're the killer.
Doc, you're the killer. Oh, that's what he came to, dog.
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Dude, the math is adding up.

Bobby's right.

Dude, I'm a detective, dude. Right? The math is adding up for me, dude.
Detective Lee cracks the case. My point is that are your other gay uncles alive? Oh, my God.
Wait, wait, wait. You killed all your uncles? No, no.
You killed all your gay uncles? Why did you kill your gay uncles? Well, one of my uncles just passed away a couple days. How? We don't know yet.
Cyanide! We don't know. We don't know how to do this.
They didn't even let me explain myself. Bad detectives.
Bad detectives. What city did you die in? Detroit.
Can I tell you what? They just called me two days ago, three days ago, and said he died, nobody knows, and we have to wait till homicide come in to make sure that he just died. That's it.
Okay, what about the other uncle? What about the other uncle? He's still alive. Where? In Detroit.
We gotta call him. I can call him on a second.
Y'all wanna put him on a freaking phone. Y'all want to put him on speakerphone? Yeah.
Because you're this little gay man. And you're so...
Just hear me out my theory. Can you hear my theory? I'm listening.
Right, right, right. You fucking call me a centric and a psychopath.
That guy called you a centric. I called you a psychopath.
Two different things.

This is fact.

Right, right.

I'm not a psychopath.

Okay.

You think?

You're not.

Let's move on.

So my point is, who cares?

Maybe I am.

So, yeah, you're protecting the family, right?

And you just, it's not, you felt some shame, right?

You grabbed a knife like that or whatever, sign it, however you work.

You know what I mean?

You took out one of your uncles, right? The one that was like mentally, right, you said? Yeah. Yeah.
Listen. Which you don't even know what he had.
Okay. You don't? Still? Never knew.
He probably has like sleep apnea. He just thinks it's something more serious.
Yeah. Nah, a little bit slower than that.
I used to fight for that dude so much, man, but go ahead. You got into fights because people would make fun of him bro make fun of him they used to man i've hit people with sticks bricks i mean little dude and i had to fight these big dudes because they would talk shit not talk shit they would like beat him up and then he would come to me because i was the only one there and then i would be like man oh so i would go fucking hey i've always loved you so love you, man.
Hell yeah, you don't need no, you don't need to bare hands, just weapons. Go sit down.
Actually, you know what? Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out, you're an hour late, get the fuck out now.
Sit down! Come on in. Sit your fucking ass down.
Sit your fucking ass down. Yeah, yeah.
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She got sick. Yeah, I hated it.
Yeah, it was bad, wasn't it? Yeah. Who gave it to you? Put the mic close to your mouth.
I can't believe we're even doing this. May I say something? So, while me and Kalilah, I was in rehab.
Remember, remember when I went to rehab? Remember when I was in rehab? Yeah. And Kalilah was in Hawaii? Yeah.
You decide to go, hmm, me go to a dorm party. Oh, boy.
Right? And you went to a dorm party, right? And then you got COVID, which means, did you have your mask on during the COVID party that you went to? No. So she walks into our studio, a bunch of vaccinated people and people have had COVID with a mask on.
But she goes to a dorm party without a fucking mask on. Because the peer pressure, everyone's not wearing a mask.
And if I wear a mask, I'm the one that's the weirdo. Right, but that's why I don't wear a mask when you guys tell me I wear a mask because I don't want to look like a weirdo.
When I go to the comedy clubs, no one's wearing a fucking mask. That's why I don't fucking wear a mask.
Yeah, that's right. She had on a mask at Master's when we went to go eat.
I know. She'll go there and wear a fucking mask and not at a fucking dorm party.
Do you know why? She wants to get dicked. Hey! I don't want to hear it.
I'm tired of your dick trolling, man. Stop it.
I don't want dick. You better not be getting dicked out.
Why'd you go there? Because I wanted to meet some friends. You better not be getting dicked out.
I'm going to be pissed, dude. If you're catching D's at dorm parties, I'm going to be living.
What makes me upset? She never got any D's. You didn't even get any dick and you got sick.
But she got COVID instead. You got sick with no D.
No D for COVID. What an annoying fucking...
God, you little shitbag. Will you ever go to a dorm party again? No.
It's not worth it. It's not right.
No. You got sick.
I'm happy that you're okay. We were concerned.
How are you feeling now? I'm better. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He had it too, twice. Twice? Yeah, he had it twice.
Yeah. We don't talk.
He doesn't want to, she doesn't want to talk. She doesn't want to get it together.
Yeah. And I'm pretty sure COVID's green for some reason.
You know what I mean? Wait a minute. What were your symptoms? Did you lose your taste and smell? No, I just had cough, sore throat, chills, rainy nose nose.
Yeah. What did your Uncle Tito do for you? You bought me some medicine.
Yeah. Aww.
And I feel like just, can I just throw this out there? I feel like if I was sick, you wouldn't do the same. I couldn't agree more.
I would. No, you wouldn't.
I would. No.
Can you put it in your mouth? Thank you. Thank you, Andrew.
I apologize. No, I love you.
I apologize. So wait a minute.
Tito Bobby, as usual, took care, was the man of the house, took care of you. And did you say thank you? Yeah, I said thank you.
But did you give him like a thank you card? Thank you for taking care of me, Tito? No. No, I thought you would just say thank you.
No, when you came back upstairs, though, and I asked for a hug, what'd you do? I declined. Because I still don't want any germs giving it to you.
I don't want it to give it to you. Wait a minute.
You wanted to get a hug from your little niece that you took care of. She's been sick for two weeks.
I just wanted a hug. I just wanted a hug.
I didn't see her a lot. So you got out of rehab.
You're emotionally wrecked. Not just emotionally wrecked.
I am vulnerable. You're vulnerable.
You're a mess. And I want to connect with other human beings.
And someone, someone that I thought that I view as a daughter and somebody that I would do anything for. Anything.
I just wanted some physical contact like a brief you know it was first of all when we hug it's never chest it's side to side even she won't even she won't even fist bump me or do a little arm thing. What's up with that? Because he doesn't like hugs.
He doesn't. You actually don't like hugs.
But he was vulnerable. But he was vulnerable That's absolutely Well he hugs me I hug you You hug me But that guy I hug you Tackles me You hug me I hug you But you don't hug her I wanna hug her But she doesn't Oh this is what it is He doesn't wanna hug me This is what it is No but you don't like hugs I love He does Yes he does He loves Dude, I'm addicted to hugs, baby.
I fucking drool.

I got crazy high for drugs.

Especially now that I have no drugs

and no porn or nothing.

I fucking...

He needs a hug.

I need a hug, baby.

Affection.

I'm going to the hug house, man.

And get all fucking drooly.

I don't know what people do.

I don't know what drooly.

Do you know how to hug?

Bro, I do.

But the way you said it is like... Stand up.
I'll give you my hug demonstrations. Doc, you're my size.
You want another hug? No, I'm just kidding. I'm not hugging.
I'm just giving you hug demonstrations of how I hug. And I need a fucking mannequin.
You're the only one my size. I'm not a goddamn mannequin.
I'm a human being. Put the clock on.
Put the what? Put the goddamn clock on. You know what I'm talking about.
Okay, here we go. There we go.
Well, he'll only do things for a minute because he feels like they might be, you know. All right, here we go.
He wants a minute. He'll only do a minute.
He's got to pray to God. Dude, he always prays to God before this stuff.
This is my hug. If I haven't seen you, I barely know you're an acquaintance.
But, you know, I haven't seen you in five years. I kind of like you.
It's good to see each other. So what's up, man? What's up, dude? Yeah.
That's it. That's what I would do.
That doesn't count. Okay, so that's over.
No, no, no. No.
One example. I have different styles of hugs.
Oh, you do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is somebody that, like, you know, with kids or, like, anyone in high school or early 20s, I don't want to, you know what I mean? So I go, hey, no, I'll go, like, this.
Set aside. Set aside.
Not know how, right? Right. And then with comic guys I'm good friends with.
Me. Like you, right? I'll go, like, do a hand thing, and then we'll do chest like this.
Of course. And then with you, though.
Someone like Doc. With you, right? That one was good.
I know. I understand that.
But with you, when I see you, just listen to me. I start, I go like, I just get like, oh, fuck.
He can't believe it. He can't believe he sees you.
It's you. You're here.
I can't believe you're in my space. It's incredible.
It's incredible. He needs to show you his love.
Yeah, yeah. And then I think of like just our history, man.
Our history and we're the same size, right? And I also sense just a little bit of, you know, bisexuality.

A little bisexuality.

A little bisexuality.

A little bit.

Doc?

Is that not Doc?

Tino, he's sensing that.

That's not.

Come on, Tino.

Talk.

Tino, you ain't going to talk.

Let me see how you handle this hug.

I do a slow walk.

And we kind of go.

We don't say anything.

We just kind of lock our eyes up.

And we try.

Yeah.

I have to look at the body. You have to look at the body.
No, no, I have to. I can't.
No, no, I just have to like. I just have to like.
This is. Oh, cute.
That's it, dude. That's like a pretty normal hug.
Pretty normal. I feel like I've seen those kind of hugs all over the place.
Those are normal hugs. Yeah, in prison.
That's where the fuck that comes from. No, no.
Doc, when your uncle said that you were violent, let him get in that little stupid. It's the silliest chair for him.
Honestly, it's the reason we got it he was like it's gonna make a lot of noise and I was like perfect he's gonna be kinda hard to get in and out of and that's why I was like this is gonna be perfect for Doc do your feet hit the ground alright we can get a higher chair don't fucking stop stop that shit. Why would you do that? Push it.
Don't push it, buddy. We'll get you a chair.

You know what? That's it.

Fancy? That chair becomes Rudy's chair,

the pink chair. Order a higher chair where his little

legs don't touch the chair.

It's over, dude. You talking that shit?

You fucked up.

You're gonna look like a fool.

If you want your boy back,

don't do that.

Okay. Can I just say this, though? I want to be real more of a real thing.
Let's do something real. I want to do something real.
We've been real all this time. No, we're being funny.
No, we're joking around. We're joking, joking around.
I want to say that, you know, Doc, I want to apologize to you. because over the years, I think I've kind of used you like a toy.
You're being real. I try to be real, dude.
Can I say what I think you really looked at me as? What? You know on Pornhub? Oh, shit. Whoa, whoa talk all right you know how they like to have that like plastic butt plug your ears you know how to have a plastic butt and the dude is banging a plastic butt you mean like a fake butt like a like a sex doll a sex doll yeah it's not a doll it's just the butt right it's a piece of the doll yeah because he always liked the black hole so that's what I'm.
Yeah. There you go.
You know what I mean? It's like. You lost me.
You completely. I lost you guys.
You lost me. Yeah.
So you're saying that. You had me at sex doll.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know how like. You lost me at sex doll.
You know how like. You click on it.
And you think it's. Like he's smashing a person.
And then it's actually a plastic butt. Let me ask you this.
How long do you watch that video. Before you go to the next video.
Not your business no i don't know he stays on yeah that's all i need is dick this is what he's talking about the behind yeah okay so so that reminds me of peace yeah you can't put that on you know what's so funny pete just want to look at that while we were looking yeah he doesn't realize he's still connected i've been. I've been to the porn store, like the Hustler store,

and I've thought about buying that.

It's so heavy.

It's so heavy, and it's like, I don't want to walk out with this gigantic fucking thing.

And where would you store it?

And then I would have to hide it from Kalilah.

Where would you hide it? In your car.

In my fucking bowling bag, probably.

I don't have a bowling bag. I'll get one.

You'd have to buy one. Kalilah's like, did I'm bowling.
I gotta go to the garage and bowl. But I've always also wanted a...
Like, I've gone to the real doll site. Oh, yeah.
And seen how much they cost. How much are they? Well, for the last time, I checked, like $8,500.
What? For a real doll? A real sex doll? Real doll? No, they're called real dolls and they're like, I think they go for 10 grand, 15 grand. You're bullshit.
They're beautiful though. $10,000? You're bullshit.
Just go to a real doll. You know like a fucking fleshlight is like 100 bucks.
Look what a real doll looks like, dude. Realistic sex doll.
Buy adult female dolls. Do they have real doll men for women? Yeah, they do.
They have men too. There's a document on youtube where there are men in the world and they marry them i've seen this yes they marry them yes i've seen a guy there's a guy that's full-blown weddings and the and the parents are always like upset almost like don't put a lid on your vision board i mean it's insane it's like a poorly written sitcom when he pops in oh my my God, that didn't work.
Oh my God, fancy. Go to YouTube and search up Guy Marries sex doll.
Because this guy, it was so sad. His family disowned this dude.
If you're thinking about the same guy. The Indian guy? I can't live without my real doll.
See? They have dinner together. A little kissy kiss? Yeah.
Originally, when I first got her, I called her my synthetic girlfriend. I know know but you know what they have to do but can you imagine yeah what if she what if she left him one day or they get married and she goes i don't i don't i don't right but you know what he has to do every year he has to take the vagina out and send it back to RealDoll, the company, so they can clean it out and fix it.
Oh, my God. Right.
But imagine being that guy. The guy who cleans the house.
Like, you apply for RealDoll. I'm in a manufacturing.
And they're like, you're starting at vagina cleaning. And then you're just like, oh.
But they don't say that. They say returns and exchanges.
That was the department. You're in returns and exchanges.
Yeah. But here's the problem.
There's a lot. No.
No, because you know what? Let this guy be free. He's not hurting anybody.
He's not harming anybody. Good for this guy.
Here's the real issue. He's never going to treat a woman like a human from now on.
This is this weird slippery slope. Now every woman is going to be a real doll.
Bro, if he could get women, he would not know he can. You think that guy's never slept with a woman before? If you watch the documentary, they even say, like, I try to date women.
Like, it's Southern guys. Are they Southern from now? Yeah, some of them are.
I try to date women, but they don't like me. I asked Olivia down the street.
She said, no, get the fuck off my property. It seems to me like it's healthy at some point for him to just have sex toys.
But sex dolls seem to be like, this is how you turn into... Yeah, I know.
You know. That's how you turn into...
Yeah. Someone that...
Who? Yeah. You.
I'm trying to... Me? Why me? Someone that kills their own...
Hey, Doc. Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc.
If we bought you a sex doll, like a real doll.

I wouldn't fuck it.

If we bought one, would you throw it away?

Yes.

It's $5,000.

I don't give a fuck how much it costs.

I'm throwing a doll away.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Hey, fuck you.

You wouldn't throw that away.

You know what?

We're buying one.

We're buying one.

Bad friends are going to buy you a sex doll.

You know what I'm going to do?

Yeah.

I don't know.

What kind of genitals do you want?

Don't you laugh at your uncle.

He's a goddamn asshole.

He's an asshole.

What do you mean what kind of genitals?

I don't know.

You know, regular old woman.

Fucking.

No, but I mean, what do you want?

Shave.

You want balls?

You want beefy?

Here's the thing.

I don't want beefy.

I'm not a big dude.

Here's the thing.

Yeah.

I'm not into shave. I like whatever you got.
I take it. But if it's shave thing i don't want beefy i'm not a big dude here's the thing yeah i'm not into shave i like whatever you got i take it but you don't mind that shit could be going down all the way to the kneecaps and i'm like well look at rudy's face by the way people sometimes go oh how can you talk about that in front of rudy rudy's the one going to dorm parties to catch some fucking dick on the side i won't i won't defile it right let me tell you something rudy's 20 almost 21 yeah it's she's a woman she's a full-ile her.
Let me tell you something. Rudy's also 20, almost 21.
Yeah. She's a woman.
She's a full grown woman. And let me tell you something.
If I fucking find out that you went to that dorm party and caught Ronan just to get some D and I found out who the dude is that you got the D from, we're blowing up his spot. He's fucking, he's some deep shit.
We're dripping that guy. We're ripping him.
What's your favorite song? Yeah, yeah. Whoa.
Baby, I need to know. Yeah.
Sometimes I think we shouldn't have him on the show. Sometimes I'm like, what is he doing on the show? Sometimes I watch him and I go, what are you doing? The way his brain fires.
Yeah, yeah. It's incredible.
No, thank you. Keep going.
Be you. Okay, so some of the gay might not have rubbed off from your uncle, but some of the other stuff might have.
What did you think of the Super Bowl halftime show? Oh, dude, honestly. Loved every single second of it.
I got goosebumps. It was incredible.
It was incredible. People shitting on it for no reason.
It was great. I loved it.
What do you mean? Do y'all think that was the greatest halftime I've ever. No, I thought Prince was great.
Whitney, you know,

Houston was great. There was a lot of good ones.
Great, great ones.

Michael Jackson's fucking with the guy

popping up. Man, come on.
I know, but

still, that one was a great one. It was just

iconic because it was Los Angeles and it was LA based

or something. That's what I loved about it.
It's a good

representation. Shout out to Eminem.

That was weird. Are you a hater?

No, bro. He's from Detroit.
That's why? Yeah,

because look, Dre is from Compton. Snoop is from Long Beach.
Kendrick is from Compton. It's just weird to also then have Eminem.
What about 50 Cent? 50 Cent's from New York. There we go.
But he gets a pass. But you also are New York bound as records.
No, I'm just saying 50 Cent. I mean, I don't know.
Him hanging upside down like a bat was very weird. That I didn't understand.
Yeah, I didn't understand. I'm just saying a new 50 cent I mean I don't know him hanging upside down like a bat was very weird that I didn't understand yeah I didn't understand what the fuck yeah but you know was that his idea I'm sure some stage director in the club if you saw him in a club video that's how he was in the club he was upside down oh really yeah in the video there could have been an argument though like nah I don't want to do that but he did it at the club's like nah i'm not trying i don't yeah but they let him but he obviously said yes because they hung him up upside down right it's not it's not like they were like okay 50 upside down you go yeah and they told him on the day he knew they rehearsed this he called it was a it was a call back and then eminem took a knee it was wild he like took a knee in the middle of the yeah i liked it i did it.
I did not. Get up and fucking sing.
What are you doing?

He finished.

I know, but get up and fucking do it.

Do the thing.

No, he finished the song and then Dre went back to the piano and he just stood.

Yeah, right there.

I didn't like it.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Get up.

What the fuck are you doing?

He's just trying to make a statement.

This is another white guy laying down on the job.

Yeah.

While he makes all the black men do the work behind him.

You know what would be great in the new Batman?

Am I right or am I right or am I right? You know what would be great in the new Batman? The new Batman. The Batman had bats and they all look like 50 cent.
Imagine like a thousand 50 cent bats backwards. Yeah.
And he has this little mechanism and the bats fly. It's pretty dope.
Dude, it'd be dope, bro. By the way, how bad am I not going to see the new Batman? You're not going to see it? Robert Pattinson? How the fuck are you going to sell me on that guy? Bro.
How the fuck are you going to sell me? I'm going to tell you! On Robert Pattinson. Bro, I hated the guy until I saw him in one movie.
I don't hate him. He's not fucking Batman.
He is. He's not a Batman.
If you see him in the lighthouse. I've never seen him in the lighthouse.
With Willem Dafoe. He's a fucking masterful actor.

I'm not saying he's not a good actor.

You're missing the point.

He's not a Batman.

There is a, you have to be a kind of man to be a Batman. That's not Batman.

That is not Batman.

That's a fucking light.

That is, that's a Tim Burton character.

Tim Burton did Batman.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I know.

God damn it. God damn it.
Let me tell you you something Go back to what Robert Pattinson looks on Batman This suit makes anybody look sick But him without the mask Him without the mask Looks like that No thanks That's not Batman buddy That's emo Batman This is like Batman who cuts This is not Batman emo Batman. This is like Batman who cuts.
This is not Batman for your generation. This is Clark Cuts Batman.
This is for the millennials. I am a fucking millennial.
What's before that? I don't know what's now. What are you? Gen Z.
Gen Z? This is for the Gen Zs. Do you want to watch this? Stop pulling the mic away from your face.
Yeah. He's hot and I think he looks good.

Oh, fucking these kids don't know shit.

That's what I'm saying.

That's why they're doing it.

What about Zoe Kravitz?

You like her as Catwoman?

That's fine.

I don't mind her.

Catwoman can be anybody.

Batman is a certain kind of guy.

Yeah.

Who would you prefer?

Like who of the actors right now could do a dope Batman?

Let me think. This is a good one.
Michael B. Jordan.
No. It's time for a black man.
A black Batman. He's too hot.
You just said Robert is hot. And that's the only reason why you wanted to see it.
You said he's hot. Batman needs to be not that hot but also not that ugly.

Oh, she's saying...

You're saying...

You know what?

It's a remarkably valid point.

I know she's right.

Because every Batman

has been kind of hot

but kind of like whatever.

Yeah.

Well, Alec Baldwin,

he was...

Never Batman.

Never Batman.

God damn it.

What's his name?

No, no, no.

Guess it.

Don't give it to him.

Don't give it to him.

Just throw out names. Some of the Batmans were named.
Ben. Benjamin.
Button. Benjamin Button.
Yes, that's right. One.
That's one. What's the second one? Michael Keaton.
Very good. The original.
Real talk. Yeah.
What's the third one then? Don't do this, man. What's the third one? I don't one.
Man, why would y'all be like that? Yeah, yeah. Hold on, what's the third one? Michael Keaton ain't the most famous? That's arguable.
He was the original, but who's the most, in the more recent franchise is what he's talking about. Oh, I can't lie to you.
I don't know. Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking crazy? Did you never see The Dark Knight? Yeah.
Who is that? Ben Affleck? Flex? Why would y'all do this to me? It's fine. We're not shaming you.
Yes, I am. Who played the Joker in The Dark Knight? Heath Ledger.
Okay, thank God. Do thank God because I was going to kick you out of the fire.
Do you know who the Batman was in The Dark Knight? I forgot his name. Fuck off.
You guys are dog shit. Christian Bale.
Bale. Oh, fuck.
Oh, easy. How did you not know that? Matthew McConaughey, Chris Bale.
Remarkably different actors. One's from England.
Matthew McConaughey and Christian Bale? Do you think those guys are close are close? Not, you know, kind of the way they act.

But can I say something about Christian Bale?

And I want everyone to listen to me right now.

When he was a kid, he did a movie.

What was it called?

He did a Steven Spielberg movie, and he was the star of it.

And he must have been 14, 12 to 14 years old.

He was the lead.

It was called Empire of the Sun.

Oh, I know this one. Love that movie.
14 he was? He was amazing in that fucking movie. And that's when you first saw him.
Watch. Christian Bale in a...
Look at how cute he is. Yeah.
And one of the lines of the movie is, I learned a new word today. I can't believe.
That's the only fucking thing, but he's so good in that. And that's the most underrated Steven Spielberg movie, I believe.
What's the most overrated? E.T. You didn't like E.T.? Me watching, it's a little weird.
Does that hurt your feelings, Doc? E.T. is like...
The way you said that, he was like, oh...

Man, because, man, like, I cried on E.T., man.

That shit...

No, it's a good movie.

I'm just saying, comparatively speaking, to Close Encounters.

Close Encounters had his...

You comparing space movies?

No, Steven Spielberg movies.

Fuck, fuck.

He directed both of them.

Yeah, but that is the same thing.

What?

It's not the same.

Close Encounters is more based on

kind of what's supposed to be reality, right?

Listen to what I'm saying, Doc, all right?

Okay.

Out of all the Steven Spielberg movies,

E.T. isn't one of my favorites, right?

I like Empire of the Sun.

I think that Close Encounters,

Jaws is amazing.

I just rewatched that.

Jaws is so good.

Yeah, I like, you know.

I guess Christine is one of your favorites too.aving Private Ryan amazing alright so that's all I'm saying most overrated fancy Spielberg movie I don't know I don't think he has many overrated movies the ones that he he doesn't do well like people shit on them all the time like what like War Horse or like the BFG or... What was wrong with the BFG? Nothing.
It's okay. Like Tintin.
I think he had a problem with editing. Like AI was way too long.
Yeah. I didn't need to see the little robot boy in the middle of the ocean.
I did like that. Why? I don't know.
It was so sad. So sad.
I think sometimes I really want... want to rip my heart out a little bit.
It ripped my heart out.

I like that sometimes in movies.

I like that movie, though.

I want to be shredded a little bit.

Yeah.

A little bit.

You know, I've been watching Brian De Palma movies.

Yeah?

What have you watched recently?

And some of them don't hold up.

Oh, you think you liked them more when you were young?

The Untouchables?

It doesn't hold up.

What do you mean?

Untouchables is great.

There's so many weird lines in there that Kevin Costner says. I don't believe it when he's angry.
Really? Yeah. Come on, guys.
No. What do you believe Kevin Costner has? The postman? I don't know.
Wyatt Earp. Wyatt Earp.
Wyatt Earp, yeah. I'm not saying he's a bad actor.
As someone who doesn't give a fuck about golf, did you ever like Tin Cup? I refuse to watch Tin Cup. Do you guys know Tin Cup? It's like one of the best movies.
Like the magical one where Will Smith plays the magical one? I don't see that. That's Bagger Vance.
I don't do any magical black people. Tin Cup, let's get some worth out of you now that you've come in so late.
What were you late for? School. What kind of school? I was in school physically doing biology lab.
Hell yeah. No, don't.
Stop. No, no, no, no.
Please don't slap that. You're condoning.
Just absurd behavior. Stuff that his gay uncle would do.
Oh,'s like Rudy You were doing biology lab At home No in school She went to In class You were physically in school now Wow Yeah and she was like I'm not gonna make it Until 445 Wait where's your school at? Northridge Your Cal State Northridge Yeah Push it down If you're gonna try it Let's see you try to move the mic There you go Big girl Big girl can go to dorm party, get sick Talk about the dorm party I wanna know what happened there It was so boring Why is it boring? What are you showing her, Doc? His Instagram What does it say, Doc? You have to speak into the mic as we're on a show. There's no secrets, man.
What does it say, Rudy? He got to be in biology. That's what I'm talking about in high school.
In high school. On my high school records.
Don't say anything. All right.
Just let that sit. I want you to take a second because I know you're going to almost kill him.
Yeah. That's what I felt like doing.
I know. So let's just take a second and not physically it's hard for me it's so hard it's so hard so you got a so you interrupted you got it you got to be you interrupted to get a b to tell her you got a b in biology that's that's for the hood right there no no no you brag about you in the hood you can get a decent grade a good grade.
Now, tell me, in what part of your current life are you employing this biology that you learned in high school? Not a goddamn thing. Okay, so shut the fuck up.
Tell us about biology then. Goddamn haters.
Biology? Yeah. Yeah, the thing you just did.
What did you learn today? No, I'm going to tell you about the dorm party. All right.
Was there biology going on there? There was some kissing, so exchange it. Yes, that's right.
Exchange it. Exchange it.
You weren't kissing anybody. No.
You swear to God? I promise. No, say you swear to God.
I swear to God to my mom. That I wasn't kissing.
That I wasn't kissing anyone. Did you hook up with anybody? No.
Did you get anyone's number? A girl, a friend. As a girl to be a friend? Yeah.
Can I ask you another thing that I've always wanted to ask you? Right? And this is fine. This is fine.
I'm going to be very gentle about it. Go ahead.
What? What? Don't do this. Let it rip.
I am. So are you heterosexual? I think I can be bi.
You think you could be or you are? You think you might be? Might be. Because you like girls.
Yeah. Did this girl number that you get, did you like her? Yeah, but as a friend only.
Not attractive. But there are girls that you go, oh, I'd like to hang out with them in that way.
Can I tell my party? All right, go ahead. He's not allowed to ask a question? Yeah, go ahead.
You're just like your Uncle Tito, so it's the same.

Oh, you're saying that I interrupt?

No, that you're bisexual.

There it is.

I think she didn't catch it.

Okay, we'll get your... When you're going down a road, right?

You see an accent, you have to go this way.

So, I don't know what that means.

Listen to me, man. You think I'm bisexual? Yeah a little bit And why? Because you know You like to wrestle with dudes Alright Well I didn't kill my gay cousin And I didn't poison my uncle For two days ago So I'm not a murderer Okay So shut your fucking mouth Alright Okay I'm wrong Go ahead Watch it Ted Bund ahead.
Watch it, Ted Bundy. Yeah.
Go ahead. Talk about the dorm party.
Okay, so there were only like 15 people in the dorm, and it was so tight, and it was so hot. And then most of them were like couples, so they were like just dancing, like grinding, and like kissing each other.
And then there were only three people, like me, my friend, and another friend who was just on the side just watching them okay that's when you fucking leave not stay and get corona i don't walk into a room people grinding there's no available get the fuck out of there that's why we left and then i met another group of friends and then we smoked weed

and that's why I got corona.

What?

You got corona because you smoked drugs.

You know, this Bad Friends show,

we do not support drug use of any kind.

It was just a little bit.

I don't give a fuck how much it was, young lady.

You are not smoking drugs. It's not any of the drugs I gave you right alright because you still have the drugs I gave you yeah I just got mushrooms this weekend by the way I'm so excited in Oregon there's a woman why do you wait it's legal in California people you could have done that a month ago when I was using I didn't want to use with you bud but that was my one of my last mushrooms.
I know, and I don't want to. And I kept asking.
I called Ari Shafir. I go, can you get me mushrooms? No.
He's like, I'm in New York. Ari.
Oh, fucking dog. What am I going to do? I didn't want to use with you.
You know what? It just fucking hurts me, dude. When you were in Mexico, and you were getting sauced up.
I gave you a joint. Yeah it and you gave it to donnell rawlings that's exactly correct and then don runs went oh man this is the best one i've ever had he came up on stage like that shit was fire again donnell smoked a whole joint himself just like he did That's fucking funny.
Fire, son! You said Tito gave me that weed! But in Mexico, we did drink together.

No, you drank when I didn't want you to. and he sounded just like he did fire son you said Tito

gave me that weed

but in Mexico

we did drink together

no you drank

when I didn't want you to

I was having a drink

at dinner

and Fancy B

was getting fucking wasted

no no one time

no one time

I said this

no this is not true

it's not true

you were getting drunk

and I asked you not to

we walked into that bar

in the center of the thing

right and I go

oh yeah

you're like

I'm gonna go get a drink

and you would do stuff like

I'm just gonna get

like a seltzer water

I did

no

Thank you. We walked into that bar in the center of the thing, right? And I go, you're like, I'm going to go get a drink.
And you would do stuff like, I'm just going to get like a seltzer water. I did.
No. And I would be, the one time I go, no, that's bullshit.
I know what you're getting. Get me what you're getting.
And you got me what you got. And there was alcohol in it.
So you did get me a drink. That's not true.
That's 100% true. Fancy knows that's a fucking lie.
First of all, first of all, fancy knows. In fact, we talked about it.
Yeah. I gave you a drink that had no booze inside of it you guys are gaslighting me no we were protecting you as we did the right thing and fancy it's i know but what i'm saying though is like listen i'm sober now i have what's today's wednesday today's wednesday i have 30 days today don't please but please please but i have 30 days today, okay? But I still think in my head, I'm like, you know, when I was out there using, I always knew soon, right, that I was going to get to a point where it's going to be like, I can't do this anymore, right? So in those times when I'm using, I would just like my friends to be around.
I'm there to support you. I'm not going to use them.
It was so not fun. It was like hanging out with my parents.
I am like hanging out with your parents. No, no.
It was like, don't go there. I'm following you around.
You guys follow me around everywhere. Sorry, we're being friends.
It's similar to the podcast. Go ahead.
What do you mean? Meaning, like, he's like your parent on a podcast. He kind of shut your shit down.
Because you fucking saying? What the fuck? Are you even fucking saying? I am Papa. This is a 50-50 thing, dude.
I'm the Papa. It's crazy insane.
That's the 50. 50 over here, crazy 50-50.
Let me see you. Gay people.
We found out. We found out.
Doc killed his gay uncles. Time out.
Let's go back. Went to the stupid fucking dorm party and everybody was dancing.
And you stayed for how long? I stayed for like 20 minutes. Because there was alcohol.
Did you drink? Just a little bit. How much? Like this.

What do you mean?

Like this.

A bunch of liquor?

What kind of booze?

Can I say something to you?

But I only drink when there's a party.

When you say there's a little, right, I don't think that's the true number.

It's just a little.

Okay.

Be careful.

I know.

Don't ever do this.

What's that?

Pop a pimple on your nose. Yeah, yeah.

Don't ever tap your finger on your nose, okay?

Ever.

No, don't ever do cocaine. Don't ever tap your finger on your nose, okay? Ever.

No, don't ever do cocaine. Don't ever do cocaine.

Have you ever been offered cocaine at a party?

Nobody has offered you cocaine at a party in Los Angeles.

No.

Never.

She doesn't go to parties.

Fucking loser.

No, no, no.

You fucking nerd.

Can I say things?

I invite her to like shit.

Yeah.

Like I'm going to this thing.

Dope shit.

Dope shit.

She won't go.

I don't want to go.

Loser.

Yeah, loser. You fucking loser, dude really get offered cocaine don't do it but you say i i can't do it you don't do it you can smoke it you can smoke it but you can't no don't do it don't do it please have we tried none of your business buddy have you.
Smoke crack? Never. Meth? No.
You're going the other way. Oh, I am? Yeah.
Oh, I think meth is like pot. Anyway, no.
So you've only done hallucinogenics, weed, and alcohol. Hallucinogenics.
Yes. Acid, mushrooms.
Yeah. And then pills.
Opiates, like Vicodin. Yes, and then ecstasy.
Uh-huh before molly was what it was have you done molly i've done mdma yeah okay and then so do all those well those uncle no no no i don't do them i have tried them and guess what that's why i look like i look you want to you want to turn out like me yeah he looks what you want to turn out like me kiddo no you want to be pretty and young don't do drugs don't do drugs look at pete pete's 13 look a fucking awful he was pete that's been doing drugs for too many years yeah what have you done we already talked about yeah we talked about him by the way welcome back welcome back to pete and i want to say thank you for pete because he got over covid he got sick too too. This whole family got sick.
Hell yeah, COVID gang in the building. Have you gotten eight? Yeah.
Have you gotten eight yet? Fancy has not. Anybody else? Me either.
No, you have. I'm immune like Bobby.
What? We're immune. I think we're immune.
Shut the fuck up, Fancy. I really do.
Because Gilbert, same thing. Can I just say something? Let me just say something.
You probably were asymptomatic. Yeah, no, but that's still kind of- Ask your wife, Fancy.
They say that 90-something percent of Americans have come in contact with it, and you're probably just asymptomatic. Yeah, the strong ones.
The strong ones, yeah, yeah. You're the weakest guy in this room.
No, but his insides are strong. No, they're not.
Yours are weak. No, they're not.
He's never exercised once. Neither have you.
That's why, then, that we still can't get COVID. Anyway, let's move on.
Meanwhile, I'm going to be like Herman Cain. I cannot wait.
Yeah. I cannot wait.
Herman Cain. I regret what I said.
I take it all back. Anyway, that was a great one.
Great episode. Great episode.
So as a big family, let's say thanks for being a bad friend on the count of three because we're all back. One, two, three.
Thank you for being a bad friend. You have to open it.
I know what it is. Take it out.
Oh, let me ask you. Let me ask you.
I just saw it. What do you think it is?

Taco Bell. Yeah.

So you got me Taco Bell.

Today? Yeah. And a sauce.
Thank you.

Do you want it, Doc?

I don't want it. No, I don't want it.
No, I want it.

You bought it for yourself.

It's fucking rude.