Slept King Returns and Rudy’s New Replacement

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. Didn't you drive together in the same farm? We did, but we did, yeah.

Speaker 3 We like to arrive separately.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was. I liked it.

Speaker 3 What is it? Like Angelina, Jolie, and weekly weekend.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. I was going to say,

Speaker 2 what's his name? Why can't I think of the dude's name? Bobby Monahan. Yeah, Bobby Monahan.
No, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton.

Speaker 2 Dilly Bob Thornton. Didn't they date? They dated.

Speaker 2 That's what you guys are. That's Billy Bob Thornton and you're Angelina Jolie.
What would be the difference? Is that... Yeah, but my dick is not as crusty.
I feel like his dick is crusty.

Speaker 2 No, he's a babe.

Speaker 2 Now?

Speaker 2 I think he's always been a babe. Ask Canadians.
We don't have any Canadians. Billy Bob Thornton.
What he did in Canada? What did he do?

Speaker 2 He acted like I would act.

Speaker 2 What? Like in a good way? Like an asshole? Like an asshole. Yeah.
Like a big asshole. No, because what happened was, you know, he's in a band, right? That I know.
We talk about it on the show.

Speaker 2 We talk about it at the top. We talked about it already.
Fuck up, man. I just got out of rehab.
I'm sorry. You know what? By the way, that was my bad.
Congratulations on getting out of rehab.

Speaker 2 You guys, we have something for you, Bob.

Speaker 2 We've got a trophy, Bobby Lee, Kick in the Habit 2022, a little karate trophy for Kick in the Habit. Congratulations.
Oh, I see. Yeah.
So this right here is weed. That's drugs.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so weed's coming like,

Speaker 2 yeah, like that. Smoke me, smoke me, smoke me.

Speaker 2 And then I got rid of porn too.

Speaker 2 Old and young.

Speaker 2 Mostly old. More old than young.
Whatever my fetish is.

Speaker 3 Olders for youngers.

Speaker 2 Olders for youngers.

Speaker 2 And the reason why I like that porn, by the way, is because I identify with the old men because I have such a bad self-poor image.

Speaker 2 So when I would Google porn, I don't produce porn anymore, baby. All right, baby? Intimacy.
You are an old man, too, though. You identify because you're an old guy.
You're an old guy. I am.
You are.

Speaker 2 You're an old sweet man. I just realized that, huh? Yeah, you're old.
But why did, when I went to rehab, though, why did all the kids follow me around? Because you act like a child. Ah.

Speaker 2 Right. But, bro.
Yep. I was a leader there, dude.
Well,

Speaker 2 they.

Speaker 3 Are you sure? Because I have a voicemail. Do you guys want to hear it? Yes.
Yes. Is this a voicemail of a leader?

Speaker 2 Let's hear. Also, by the way,

Speaker 2 can we welcome the wonderful Kalila to the show? Thank you, Kalila, for coming.

Speaker 3 I'm here begrudgingly because the little one has COVID.

Speaker 2 I know, and you guys brought it. So, thank you for bringing it.
Welcome. We don't have COVID.
She got tested. She doesn't have it.
I know she did. I know you did.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know you did.

Speaker 2 I know. Do you know why? Why? When I was in Arizona, right, they let me escape and go to the ball.

Speaker 2 I'm double-masked, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I almost got COVID. Do you know why? No, tell me.

Speaker 2 A lot of people recognize me.

Speaker 2 Let's play this voicemail though to bring you back down to earth. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Is this the message of the leader over here? Let's hear.

Speaker 2 Great. So

Speaker 2 basically,

Speaker 2 I had dinner. The food here is

Speaker 2 terrible.

Speaker 2 Terrible. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 It's like Oz. Like, there's fights breaking out.
It's like people stalking me. It's terrible.

Speaker 2 I don't know if I'm going to go to sleep tonight, but I'm quiet because there's like 52 men talking on phones around me.

Speaker 2 I feel like I'm in prison. I'm in a Guangdong mobile.

Speaker 2 I love you. I'm going to try to sleep tonight, but I don't know if it's going to happen.

Speaker 2 Bro, you have no idea what I went through. Did you hang? That sounded like he hung up a prison phone.
Right. Do you know when there are flexiglasses? That was a payphone? Dude, I get.

Speaker 2 Okay, first of all. This is the first.
You called me from this place. The first place? Yeah.
I get there, right?

Speaker 2 They go, you sleep there.

Speaker 2 All right. I put my pajamas on.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what are you talking about? You know, fucking pajamas. I get in my underwear, right? There's a man laying next to me.
And, like, I could touch his skin.

Speaker 2 And he is probably 70 years old, right?

Speaker 2 And he's naked, I think. But I see one of his legs is sticking out of the sheets.
Okay. And you know how you white people have a lot of varicles?

Speaker 2 I don't have any spider web veins. I looked at your skin.
I'm walking in the skin. I can see a lot of veins in your body, right? And he was doing this.
Bro, this is what he was doing.

Speaker 2 He was going like this. He was going.

Speaker 2 Yeah!

Speaker 2 As long.

Speaker 2 Every minute he was doing that, right? Yeah. And I took two edibles.
Why?

Speaker 2 You fucking idiots. Because I don't want to be the first guy to show up at treatment.
Sober. Sober.
Right. The irony of that is staggering.
Isn't it funny?

Speaker 2 Everybody gets fucked up and then they go to treatment. They get as high as they can.
Yeah, yeah. And then they.
Oh, I was at the airport. I was, you know, going crazy.
Right?

Speaker 2 Nothing. Yeah.
I was jerking off two guys. Yeah.
So that is a joke. No, I was like drinking.
And so I go there and

Speaker 2 then I take all my shit and I go to the lobby, right? And I sleep in a chair like this, right? Because this guy's screaming all night long. But I can still hear him.
And then

Speaker 2 this little girl comes up to me. She must have been 14 15 years old and she goes

Speaker 2 i'm not gonna make it

Speaker 2 i swear to god and she just walks away right and i'm literally i have to be here for a month i'm not i shouldn't laugh but that is so fucking creepy two days later right yeah i literally see i'm sleeping i see a little kid a teenage kid getting dragged by his hair across the hall And he's going, I'm going to stab you in the eyes with an ice pack.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 This is is rehab.

Speaker 2 It's a good one.

Speaker 2 No. It's not good.
It's not good. It feels like that.
And to get out of there, right? What did we have to do? I had to call the Jews, man.

Speaker 2 You had to call the Jews?

Speaker 2 All of them?

Speaker 2 So many of them. I called Jerusalem.
You did. I called Jerusalem, yeah.
You called Israel. I got all the lawyers, and they got me out of there.
Well, how was it?

Speaker 2 Was it legally binding that we're going to make you stay? They can't make you stay anywhere. Yeah, but

Speaker 2 they wouldn't let me leave, and then they also wouldn't get me a ride. But we have to have some clarity.
You went to a different rehab. It's not like you broke out of a rehab and came.

Speaker 2 You went to another rehab.

Speaker 3 He went to initially a 30-day inpatient.

Speaker 2 Oh, right.

Speaker 2 Where it's like they fucking chain you in. Yeah.
And you're not allowed to make phone calls.

Speaker 2 They take your phone and your iPad. So what are you doing in the middle of the night? I'm trying to masturbate through my memory.

Speaker 2 You can't jerk off with your mind. No, but

Speaker 2 my mind is very clever, and I have a imagination. You do? Yeah, so it's kind of like

Speaker 2 her tit, right? One tit. Yeah, his ass cheeks.
Fancy assheeds. I love your ass cheeks.
What part of me is? They're so European and soft. American wood.
Thank you. Right? Pete's titties.

Speaker 2 His titties are so sweaty. So there's three tits.
You have one of her tits, two of her tits. Hers the center tit.
Both tits, Petey tits on the side. Right.
So sweaty and nice. Right.

Speaker 2 And beer comes out. Beer comes out of his tits.
Yeah, yeah, but I, because I'm sober, so I avoid it. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. So this screw.

Speaker 2 is only sucking. Yeah,

Speaker 2 and I'm avoiding his fucking. Yeah, I'm sober, I'm sober, right?

Speaker 2 And then,

Speaker 2 but I couldn't not.

Speaker 2 Couldn't finish. No, in fact, I have

Speaker 2 17 days of no porn.

Speaker 2 Can you masturbate just to your mind?

Speaker 3 I can. It just takes a long time.

Speaker 2 Do you have to use a toy?

Speaker 3 No, I don't use any toys.

Speaker 2 You guys don't have any toys? I have to look.

Speaker 3 I don't use any toys because I'm afraid that I'll have to rely on it for the rest of my life. Because those clitsuckers these days are next level music.

Speaker 2 You know, we got one at the crib.

Speaker 2 It does. And it goes,

Speaker 2 it sucks in.

Speaker 2 But you can do that with your mouth.

Speaker 2 Because I can't. But I can't roll my tongue.
I can't roll my tongue, so I have to go.

Speaker 2 I just get so tired that this thing, this thing picks up the slack. Yeah.
But yesterday I go, can I eat your vagina? And then you said, it's bloody.

Speaker 2 And I go, I said, I want to she wouldn't let me do you do it uh no definitely not

Speaker 2 seems like a bad day you could just take a break for a couple of days i know but i did just got on rehab so i'm like let me you know right it's like like when you get out of prison yeah i had a fork and i have the whole thing you know what i mean i put a napkin put a napkin you know what i mean i was ready

Speaker 2 anyway um it's good to be back it's great that you're back we're happy that i am back um

Speaker 2 And then I went to another place and I couldn't sleep for how many days? Well, you called me. I was in New York.
I think you were on four, three or four days? 96 hours. I didn't sleep.

Speaker 2 Wow, it's so crazy. So crazy.

Speaker 2 You talked like a guy who hadn't slept. Yeah, and they thought I was going to have a psychotic break.
And then I went to a mall.

Speaker 2 And then they said...

Speaker 2 When you're going to have a psychotic break, everybody at home, go to a mall. No, I had to go to Build-A-Bear.

Speaker 2 Right. That's the place.
No, no, no.

Speaker 2 No, I had to go to Build-A-Bear. Why? It's a part of the thing.
So, can I tell you about Build-A-Bear? Please. All right.
So when you go to this place, they go, you have to go to Build-A-Bear.

Speaker 2 At least sometime in your break. Is this rehab owned by Build-A-Bear? No, no, no, no, no.
No, it's McDonald's. No,

Speaker 2 but you go to Build-A-Bear and you build your original child. Oh, I see.
Right. So, you know, your original child when you're born.

Speaker 2 Don't laugh. This is real.
I know, but is what do babies need? They need to be held. Love.
Love. Nurtured.
Comfort. Feel safety.
Food. Yeah.
My dad played golf on my body

Speaker 2 you know what i mean

Speaker 2 so um you built you you you build this bear right and remember the first one i built you a couple years ago and you hold it like it's your inner child you know i mean

Speaker 2 and um but because i had a psychotic break right i literally was had the baby in the mall and i didn't know where i was not only did not know where i was i didn't know what city i was in I didn't know if I was in the mall.

Speaker 2 That's how fucking tired I was. You were a guy walking around with a fucking bear.

Speaker 2 Where am I? It was fucking crazy.

Speaker 3 It's called a fugue state.

Speaker 2 Fugue. Fugue state.
Fugue state.

Speaker 2 So, um, do you know that's how you do you do you know that's what it was? Yeah.

Speaker 2 The fugue state. And the one last thing I want to say before you go into the internet is this: I would like to have the reneg.

Speaker 2 Ren egg. I would like to renegade.
Reneg,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 Because last week I was very vulnerable. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I called you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think I cried. You did.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I think I regret half of the things I said. Really? Yeah, a little bit? It was like the nicest call you've ever.
What did I say? I forgot. You call, I was at a farm in upstate New York.

Speaker 2 And you said,

Speaker 2 I just want to tell you that I love you. And no one's ever.
I'm doing, I'm doing it, I'm not making fun of you. I'm doing.
You said.

Speaker 2 And no one's ever done what you did, and you're a real friend, and I love you. And I'm dead serious.
And you would go back into a normal voice. And then you'd go, oh, you don't understand.

Speaker 2 I love you. And then you hung up and you called back 20 minutes later and you said,

Speaker 2 I don't know, man. I don't know how much of that stuff I mean.

Speaker 2 Okay, good. I did this.
So you did take it back. Yeah.
And then I said,

Speaker 2 why would you do that? And then you said, I don't know. I'm getting.

Speaker 2 Okay, I got to go. I got to go.
Okay, you know what? So you meant some of it. No, you know what? You're right.
I want to say it here.

Speaker 2 Okay. I'm going to say it here.
Okay. Don't roll your eyes.
Well, I know what's coming. No, you do? Yeah.
Okay. But go ahead.
No, but I want to hear it. I'm sorry.
Go ahead.

Speaker 2 You know, I've been in this business for.

Speaker 2 Ever.

Speaker 2 Okay, start over. Please.

Speaker 2 I've been in this business forever, right?

Speaker 2 And,

Speaker 2 you know, in the beginning of my career, I just met just terrible people. You know what I mean? Name them.
Just open micers like Zoom Man and Wally Wong and these guys. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Allie Wong? Wally Wong. Oh, wow.
Oh, you don't know Wally Wong. So anyway, and then I came to LA.
It was fucking terrible. And I spent many, many years just meeting terrible people.
Comics.

Speaker 2 But every once in a while, you'll meet somebody that just, you'll, it'll just spark your heart. And you're one of those guys.
When I saw you, it was like,

Speaker 2 it was almost as if I saw somebody that I knew my whole life.

Speaker 2 Like, it was that easy, that comfortable.

Speaker 2 And during my dark times in my life, you've been there 100%. You call me 3 in the morning.
You always call me back, right? You're always checking up on me. And I honestly,

Speaker 2 you know, I re-found my God.

Speaker 2 Like, I lost God. But you found God again.
I found God again. And I prayed to God last week.
And I said, thank you for putting

Speaker 2 Brian Call. I mean, Andrew Centino.

Speaker 2 I was waiting. Sorry.
No, I was a thank you for putting Andersentino in my life. And

Speaker 2 yeah, I'm just really blessed to have you. I love you.
Thank you. Say something now

Speaker 2 about me.

Speaker 2 Well, Bob.

Speaker 2 Feels good. I love it.

Speaker 2 I'm happy that you are

Speaker 2 found God and redefining what you want in life because you were a little lost. And I think you're more centered now.

Speaker 2 And talking to you on the phone seemed like you were really figuring out what you needed.

Speaker 2 And I love you. And you know, know, you mean the world to me.

Speaker 2 Feels good.

Speaker 2 But I've said that to you all the whole time. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I do love you. Do you love me, though? I love you very, very much.
Okay. And I was very concerned.

Speaker 2 When Sher and I talked about you coming to Mexico, and I talked with these guys. You know, next time.

Speaker 2 Next time I get on a rehab, don't bring an audience.

Speaker 2 No, no, these people are all in rehab as well. Oh, is that what it is? This is all.
Oh, they need help. Yeah, they all need help.
Okay, okay, good. There's inspiration.
I could teach them.

Speaker 2 But when she told me you were on your way to Mexico and you were in some trouble,

Speaker 2 I didn't know what we were in for. And Fancy B was real nervous.
So when I was in Mexico, what was I like? Well, you threw up all over the hotel. That's right, that's right.
And it was a night.

Speaker 2 And then we said at dinner, Fancy was like, no one's going to have a drink because we didn't want to have a drink around you. And who's the first person that ordered a drink?

Speaker 2 Bobby. Bobby.
Yeah. Bobby.
Margarita. Yeah.
No, not for me.

Speaker 2 The longest two hours of my life. What? Huh? The longest two hours of my life.

Speaker 2 Fancy was quivering the whole time. He was like so nervous and scared.
And he couldn't afford it. They were so manipulative.
I mean, the things I was saying to George was so crazy. It was fucked up.

Speaker 2 It was fucked up. Yeah, I apologize.
I got him to the airport.

Speaker 3 What's up? How'd you get him to the airport? Because I knew that he woke up in his own vomit.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 I got to tell you something.

Speaker 2 Shout out to... the fucking JFL people for actually getting you into a car because you were not functioning.
You were so out of it, and it was just so fucked up.

Speaker 2 And they did a good job controlling you. You came to the door with poop on your hand in front of me.
Do you know that?

Speaker 2 I'm so sorry. That's okay.
It was a little shocking. Well, you don't knock on my door when I'm pooping.
How would I know?

Speaker 2 That's true. You're not connected.
Are you going to send me a text every time you poop? I'm just saying, try to like, how about this? Try to know when you poop? No, don't knock on my door then.

Speaker 2 Don't come say hi. Yeah, yeah.
You got us. Oh, no, why did you text me first? Are you pooping? Oh, that's the first test I should send.
Right, right. And I go, yeah.
No, wait five minutes.

Speaker 2 I'll give it away. But I shouldn't, even if I'm pooping, I shouldn't have wiped my ass and then brought it to the door.
What do you think? Do you think he should wipe his ass and bring it to the door?

Speaker 2 I'm looking for a third-party opinion because I guess mine is wrong.

Speaker 3 I think, like, sober or not sober, he's going to bring poop to the door.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not true.
He's into poop. He really is into poop.
No, can I say something right now?

Speaker 3 I'm surprised you don't let me shit on your chest.

Speaker 2 Do you never want her to do something like that? Shit on my chest?

Speaker 3 He constantly wants to smell my shit.

Speaker 2 I want to shit her. I like the smell of shit.
Wait, Tama, but do you smell? What, though?

Speaker 2 In the toilet? No, no, no. I like the smell of, like, wet ass.
We're back, baby. No, no, the hole, like, when the hole is wet.

Speaker 2 Right. Not poo.

Speaker 2 Right? It's like...

Speaker 2 Like out of the pool, out of the shower. How about this? How about this? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know how you open up a magazine and sometimes they have like a cologne of perfume that you just kind of write that magnitude of poo. It's not a big pile of poo.
It's just a

Speaker 2 hint of waft. Yeah, it's like, you know, poo by Revlon.
Revlon. Is Revlon a company? Yeah.
Right. And I go, hmm, interesting.
Elephant poo. I, you know what I mean? I do this.
It's a light.

Speaker 2 You know, it's not a gigantic. This should be good when it dries.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I understand.
Yeah, so, um, but um, I don't want a piece of shit on my chest. Let's try.
What?

Speaker 2 You want to try to shit on my chest? Yeah, I do.

Speaker 2 What's the one where there's a piece of glass between you? Is that a hot cow? Is that a hot Carl? What is that?

Speaker 3 No, I thought the hot Carl was just bear chest shit on bear chest.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's hot Carl. There is one.
There's a piece of glass in between you. Pete, you got to know what this is.

Speaker 3 That's just like a version of a dental dish.

Speaker 2 Glass bottom boat. Oh.
It's called a glass bottom boat.

Speaker 2 Because you can see all the coral. Right, that's exactly right.
See, it says typically a coffee table, which is true. I've heard that it's a coffee.
You guys have a glass coffee table at the house?

Speaker 2 Yeah, we do. I think.

Speaker 2 I have one in the garage. I I can actually lend it to you guys.
Also, we have a little money. We can buy one.
Well, let's buy you a glass bottom boat. So, what happens?

Speaker 2 I'm underneath a table like this. You lay on the glass.
Well, here's the deal.

Speaker 2 You're supposed to hug it to the glass is flush with your chest because you need to feel the heat that radiates through the glass. That's the whole point.

Speaker 2 Because if you're just underneath it, who cares? You need to

Speaker 2 get the heat of the pool. You want to feel it without the dirtiness.
So this is like entry-level. A glass-bottom boat is like stage one of what she wants to end up doing.

Speaker 2 So let's say you love it. Then you go, well, now let's switch it to like PlexiClap.
I mean, you start to slowly get away from that. And then onto Saran Rap eventually.
Saran Rap, right? Right.

Speaker 2 And then after Saran Rap, the real thing. The real deal.
So you build to Pooh. Right.
You don't need to go there right away. That's, you know, I understand your hesitancy.

Speaker 2 But you know, like, I was watching the Bill Cosby documentary. What a comic.

Speaker 2 Just hear me out. It has nothing to do with, you know what I mean? That should have been the name of his documentary.

Speaker 2 Hear me out. Hear me out.

Speaker 2 I can explain. Can you?

Speaker 2 So what? So, but in the beginning of the, when he started his career, he was just a bartender, right? Right. And then a year later, he was on TV.
So unbelievable. How fast.
So fast. Right.

Speaker 2 So I'm going to go straight to Pooh.

Speaker 2 Oh, you want

Speaker 2 to go? I don't need to go to open mic. Right.
That's what it is. Saran Rab, the glass.
That's open mic. You're selling out a rabbit.
I'm going to go pro. Okay.
I'm going to go Madison School Garden.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go Dane Cook. You shit in my face.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Shit in my mouth. I'll do it.
No, you don't want it in your mouth, buddy. Why? Because no way.

Speaker 3 The Germans do it.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Shiza.
Shaiza. I don't really like two girls, one cup.
You know, let's revisit it.

Speaker 2 The world is great, by the way. I watched the Tinder Swindler, and I got to tell you,

Speaker 2 full support of this guy.

Speaker 3 What is his name? Simon Levi.

Speaker 2 Love this guy.

Speaker 2 Did you watch it?

Speaker 2 I texted my brother and I go, I think I have a new AA sponsor.

Speaker 2 I'm going to call him in Israel and go, can you sponsor me?

Speaker 2 This guy is the king. You loved it, didn't you?

Speaker 3 I loved it. I also was just immediately, as soon as I saw the type of women he was after, I'm like, I see you, brother.

Speaker 2 I see you, dog. Look, let me tell you something.
Did he scam a lot of people? Yeah. $10 million.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is it super funny?

Speaker 2 It's so funny. And also, is it clever? Very.
And well thought out. Very.
That's all I'm saying. I think he's a bad guy.
Bad guy. But he's very good at like planning.
At being a bad guy. A bad guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, we like bad guys.
And I'm not blaming the victims. No.
Never blame the victims, Andreas, right?

Speaker 2 But if Kalila was in Germany and she calls me, she goes, Oh, my bodyguard got beat up and my credit cards aren't working. You know what I mean? Can you wire me? I've dated her for 10 years.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? 300. I'd be like, Good luck.
Bye. Bye.

Speaker 2 50 grand. Yeah, you can get that money babe on your own okay i'm not doing it not doing it yeah i'm not doing it so some it's you know they made some bad choices the victims

Speaker 2 no no no you're right they're victims and they were manipulated right

Speaker 2 i feel bad for the women but i also think do you

Speaker 2 no

Speaker 2 i do i feel bad no of course i do yeah yeah it's so terrible it's awful

Speaker 2 but man it was so amazing he was able to do it.

Speaker 2 The part that I started to really go yucky, yuck, was when he makes threats to them and all that stuff. Then I'm like, no, before that, it was just a good scam.

Speaker 2 I like me a good scam, but I, but then when he was threatening to them, then you're like, no, this isn't, this is gross. This is disgusting.
Now you're, now it's too much.

Speaker 2 But when you just went, hey, can I borrow, Pete? How funny would it be to scam Pete out of 50 grand?

Speaker 2 Ruin his life?

Speaker 2 Wouldn't that be so funny? I have a family. I have two kids.
Yeah, yeah. Oh my God, he's got kids.
It makes it even funny. That would be pretty funny.
Yeah.

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It's it's delicious. Yeah, yeah.
Hey, let me tell you something about liquid IV.

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I love Miandi's because I love the fabric that they use, and I also love the designs.

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Yeah.

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Have you been tricked out of money?

Speaker 3 Not money, but love.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 that hurts.

Speaker 3 His handle on MySpace was Amorcito888.

Speaker 3 And he was, who I thought was an Adonis that lived in Australia. But I think he was a short Indian man with like eight kids.

Speaker 2 That's what the 888 was? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's my number of children. That's so funny to think.

Speaker 2 It's funny to get tricked out of love because I feel like guys get tricked out of money more than love.

Speaker 2 That's why I, that's why the Tinder swindler, I was like, he won for the good guys, one for the bad guys, but also fucking... Because here's the problem with the whole thing for me.

Speaker 2 Each of these women said they fell in love with this guy. Some of them knew him for like a fucking week.
Right. And you fell in love with the idea that you were going to be

Speaker 2 whisked away on private jets. And I would fall in love with that guy.
But you've got to have some sort of foresight of like, oh, this seems a little...

Speaker 2 I don't know. It's fairy tale-ish.
And if it's too good to be true, it is.

Speaker 3 He chose wisely.

Speaker 2 He was very smart. He was very...
I know. They're all Swedish girls or Danish girls.
What does this really say about him? But this guy doesn't have.

Speaker 2 Let's be real for a a second. He's a bad guy.

Speaker 2 This guy has to live his life, right? Yeah. Without any empathy.
Yeah, he's just like... Without any real emotional connection to other human beings.

Speaker 2 And to be able to lock eyes with somebody and go, hey, man, how are you feeling? You know what I mean? And let me help you. Right?

Speaker 2 Like, when I went to the last treatment center I was at, this is what saved me. And this is a real story.
This is not funny. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 2 This old man, right, who is a therapist from the 60s, that he's still, it's his practice, this facility I'm at, he rarely comes in, but he decided to come in for two hours to see me to do a session, right?

Speaker 2 I'm sitting there talking to the man and he starts, this is not funny, but he goes, he was talking about his great-great-great-grandkids. Wow.
And he how he went

Speaker 2 he goes to LA, Santa Monica, and he sees his great-grandkids play soccer, and their coach is like very mindful and teaches them about positivity and, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And he starts weeping this old man while he's telling a story telling a story and literally he locks eyes with me and I started weeping with him right

Speaker 2 and we cried for like three minutes together this old man and I just about kids playing soccer no about it's about me me connecting with him and feeling his joy and his gratitude right and it's in that moment where I found God and I know there's going to be a joke coming right I'm I'm fresh and fraud but what I'm saying what I'm saying is is that that dude right there can't connect with people in that way yeah he's crazy i know but that's so in at the end of the fucking day this guy's gonna die alone miserable and rich and very rich

Speaker 2 so rich

Speaker 2 and he gets a lot of pussy

Speaker 2 but that's why i take this guy over the old guy do you understand my point though 100 right of course i'm dude i'm right

Speaker 2 this guy this guy so when i was watching this document i was just kind of going he's free free in Israel. He can't go anywhere else.
He can't go to Europe again.

Speaker 2 Well, did he just make a fake password? Didn't you do that like 10 times? I know, but really? He kept doing it the whole film. Yeah, but now I think they're onto him or not.
How? I feel like.

Speaker 2 He's a fucking movie about him now. Dude, they did.
Also, he's suing Netflix, I think, is what he said.

Speaker 2 They gave him 16 months. He did like four or five.
He fucking, they don't give a shit.

Speaker 3 It's because he's also wise about the amount that he's swindling.

Speaker 3 It's not billions of dollars and it's not millions and millions of dollars. So it's sort of like, yeah, he's going to serve, what, four to eight months? Max.
But that's a small price to pay for him.

Speaker 3 He can just resume activity after.

Speaker 2 See, I think they said in total, he might have acquired 10 million over the course of all of his scamming. Not just from women, from other stuff.
I got to hand it to you. That's pretty great.

Speaker 2 But he used, like, he would take advantage of one woman, right?

Speaker 2 They would give him 300 grand, whatever. He He would use that to finance another woman.
Right, why can't you take that? Just bamboozle one woman, invest it, invest that fucking money.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I thought about that the whole time. Me too.
But that's logic. He loves the gambling.
He loves the Ponzi of it all.

Speaker 2 It's like, I'm going to use you to take her out and I'm going to use her to get another hot chick to be my friend. Remember, he did that with another girl.

Speaker 2 He just befriended hot girls with cool, hot girls. So that made another girl go, this guy's got to be cool.
He's friends with hot, cool girls.

Speaker 2 But he has to.

Speaker 2 My argument is this. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 He has to realize that some marks might not work out. I think a lot of them don't for him.
Right. But let's suppose, like, because it didn't work.

Speaker 2 Remember, like, he got to the point where he had to live in that fucking

Speaker 2 hostel. Hostel.
Yeah. And he's begging for money.
Yeah. He's just made.
That's how desperate was he. But look, you can go on his Instagram fans.
He's back at it again. He's like got a new Benz.

Speaker 2 He's got a new watch. He's got a new group of hot blonde girls.
So my point is.

Speaker 2 It's going to continue. Even these women that have seen this, they don't care.
They just still, they're like, fuck it. I still get to go to private chat with some other bitches' money.

Speaker 2 People are still doing it. Look up his Instagram.
He's out there. It's like when women like serial killers in prison.
Exactly. Why do you guys like that? Why do you like that?

Speaker 3 You get the good sex without the stalking.

Speaker 3 You get the good, desperate. Oh my God.
Like, a man is so just

Speaker 3 wasted

Speaker 3 in a prison, right? It's just, there's so much just pent up down there.

Speaker 2 Just testosterone.

Speaker 3 And then you are just the peak of his existence at that point. Right.
So a conjugal visit, the idea of a conjugal visit with a man where I know I am just the peak of his existence.

Speaker 3 He's going to fuck me with all of his might and he won't be able to stalk me or call me or contact me. Wow.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 But also, okay, but okay. Here's a guy who's a killer.
Not this guy. Let's just say there's a guy that's a, he's a murderer, stone cold murderer.
Then he says he found God in prison. A lot of them do.

Speaker 2 And he says, I would never hurt you. Do you buy this? You buy this.
I just want you to come see me. I know my record says I choked out and killed four women, but I would never do this to you.

Speaker 2 Do you buy this?

Speaker 3 Not a chance.

Speaker 2 No, but some people, but there's women that do. Yeah.
And they go back and they're like, he would never hurt me. You guys don't read the letters he writes me.

Speaker 2 Because women are. Say it with me.

Speaker 2 I didn't mean that. No, women are beautiful.

Speaker 3 You guys would never do a conjugal visit with a woman in prison.

Speaker 2 Honestly. You? You.
No, but if you were in prison, I would. No, it has to be, and it can't be her because that doesn't make sense.
Of course you would with her. You fucking love her.

Speaker 2 Okay, what about this? Your mom, your mom.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 please, it's fine. I'll take back the fucking truck.
It's my fucking truck. All right.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 What does it say? What does this post say?

Speaker 2 No caption.

Speaker 2 This guy's the goat. He's just on a fucking boat.
No captions on all these? What does that say? Memories.

Speaker 2 You know who he is? Huh. Andrew Schultz.
This is it. Andrew Schultz.
I could see Schultz doing this. Look at it.
Top or nothing.

Speaker 2 This guy's the best, dude. Wait, wait.
What is psycho? What does top or nothing mean?

Speaker 2 He's in a drop-top car. Oh.
But it also doesn't make sense. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.
Top or nothing.

Speaker 2 I love this guy. He's fascinating.

Speaker 2 Love it. What does that say? Back at home.

Speaker 2 Just rubbing it in. I don't know.
I would never, I don't know. Would you conjugal visit a woman that was in jail? But you don't know her.
You've never met her. You read about her in the news.

Speaker 2 This is what happens with women. They read about the guy in the news.
They start writing him letters.

Speaker 2 I had a fantasy about Eileen Warnos.

Speaker 2 She's like a.

Speaker 2 Imagine Eileen. I had fantasies about Eileen, like visiting

Speaker 2 Eileen Warnos in prison. I don't know who that is.
She was a woman called Monster. Monster.
Charlene Sarah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I had fantasies about her, right?

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. Like looking like that.
Yeah, but my fantasy was I was in the prison cell cell next to hers. Look at that one tooth.
Go back to that. I was in the prison cell next to her.

Speaker 2 And I dug a little hole.

Speaker 2 Oh, so it was like a glory hole. Yeah, glory hole.
I stuck my penis in, but in one of them, I fantasy, she bit it off.

Speaker 2 Yeah, besides, cut it off. With that one tooth.

Speaker 2 That's the face she makes after she bit it. Whoops.

Speaker 2 My bad. Yeah.
You know what's such a mean thought that I got when you just said a glory hole thing? I wonder. Like, have you ever seen a glory hole live at a truck stop? Have you ever seen one?

Speaker 2 Have you ever seen one?

Speaker 2 I've seen them at the truck stops. I've actually seen a Glory Hook.
And at first you think, this is some teenager did it. And then you think, no,

Speaker 2 this happens out here. Yeah.
And then I looked at it just in my mind's eye when you just said glory hole. And sometimes the thickness of those stall doors is big.
Yeah. Do you think you do?

Speaker 2 Do you think yours would

Speaker 2 be a little bit more like a little bit of a little bit just your little head would poke out?

Speaker 2 What you're saying to me right now is if I did a glory hole, you know what I mean, in a fucking stall, right? How big is it how deep? How big? My dick isn't a lot long.

Speaker 2 So what you're saying, it's not going to reach enough so that she could suck it. But can she stick her tongue in the hole? Yeah, just lick it in.

Speaker 2 Just lick it. But LeMet.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Fuck you, dude. Imagine how hard you'd push against him.
Is my erection good? Have you not seen him fully hard? No, I have seen him.

Speaker 2 I've seen him just after he was hard. You know, it's like the post, yeah, post-game.
And what did you think? It was, it's, you know, it's, I've said this to him before.

Speaker 2 Over all the years, since when we first met at the comedy store, and he put his penis on my arm and all that stuff when I was in the booth, which you did,

Speaker 2 penis out on my arm.

Speaker 2 His jokes about his penis being small, it's all good and fun, but it's so regular. It's not

Speaker 2 small. It's a very normal penis.
Thank you. But you're a grower, not a shower.
That's a fact.

Speaker 2 Because there's days for sure when it needs to grow. Okay, cool, cookie.

Speaker 2 Because it does that thing in Mexico when your penis was out, it did that thing where it tucks away. You know how it like turtle bays itself.

Speaker 2 He's shy.

Speaker 2 It tucks away. He's shy.
And it puts the balls up to its cheek. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It does tuck away. When you see him around the house, what what is the time when it's at its smallest?

Speaker 2 Stop talking about.

Speaker 2 Is it first thing in the morning?

Speaker 2 Oh, this is fun. All right.

Speaker 3 He's been shy about showing me his penis lately. Bob.
I haven't seen it in a while.

Speaker 2 You don't walk around naked? Honestly, it just got out of rehab, man. Yeah, I need some time.
No, it's just like all jonesed out. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's detoxing, bro.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Detox dick. On this episode of Detox Dick, do you walk around naked? Did you see the Ricky Jerby special where he talks about the so there was a glory?

Speaker 2 Two guys, right, went to a glory hole and one guy stuck his penis out,

Speaker 2 got his, came in a random man's mouth. When they walked out together, it was a father and a son.

Speaker 2 Okay. Right.
So if you did a glory hole, right, and you get your dick sucked and you walked out and it was your dad, right? What would you do? Would you hug him?

Speaker 2 Dad, or would you be like, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 Would I hug him?

Speaker 2 Is that your first

Speaker 2 dad?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know. It's your dad.
I wouldn't say a word. I would just.
Oh, you would. Oh, so

Speaker 2 let's both walk out. I want to see what you would do.
Okay. So I'm walking out, right?

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, am I the sucky or sucker? I just, you, you sucked it. All right.

Speaker 2 And you're the dad, I'm the son. Okay.
Right. So I'm zipping up.
Oh, that was the best fucking blow drought I've ever gotten. That was amazing.

Speaker 2 He fucking did sack work. He did sack work.

Speaker 2 Walk out.

Speaker 2 Dad!

Speaker 2 I'd be able to see dad.

Speaker 2 What if you gave me a kiss?

Speaker 2 A dog kiss? Oh, that'd be so good. Dad.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That would ruin the family, right? Okay, what about this thing?

Speaker 2 What if you saw, you know. I love these scenarios.
Well, yeah, like, what, okay. All right, cool.

Speaker 2 What if you're at like a butt plug convention?

Speaker 2 And they're like, you know, try out some of the newest butt plugs, the newest anal beads. Right.
And And they're like, dude, you, someone comes to you, like, dude, you got to see this guy.

Speaker 2 He's got 40 fucking beads in his ass, and they get bigger as they go. And

Speaker 2 if you said that to me, I'd be like, where? We got to go. We got to go.
And you're like, they're pulling out now. It's like a fucking chainsaw.
And there's a dude like a pulling out.

Speaker 2 There's such a big crowd. We have to get in

Speaker 2 the view, right?

Speaker 2 And everyone's screaming, more, more, more, more, more. You can't believe it.
Right. And then this guy gets up and it's your father.
Oh,

Speaker 2 dad! Dad! Yeah, killing it! No, no, I would be like, you know what I would do?

Speaker 2 Honest, I would, so I'd be in the front of the crowd, right? I would slowly just

Speaker 2 move backwards. And the Homer Simpson

Speaker 2 would absorb me back, right? And I'd probably walk, that'd be the loneliest parking lot

Speaker 2 walk into your car. Because everyone's going to come up to you, did you see the anal bead guy? Yeah, yeah.
It was amazing. You know what I would do? I would kick something, just kick it.

Speaker 2 One loose, like a tin can just be one loose anal bead that fell off a rope, You just kick it down the road. Right.

Speaker 2 What if you saw your family at a sex convention type of thing? I think I'd feel pride.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, my family are freaks. Oh, they're just a bunch of freaks.
Freak freaks. They're freaks.
So you were never, as a kid, your family was never shy about any of that stuff. No, my

Speaker 3 aunties would just openly talk about sex, like pinch each other's nipples, talk about the men they swindled.

Speaker 2 What did you just say?

Speaker 2 About the men they sent me. About the men they swindled.

Speaker 2 About the guy that was swindling? Yeah, yeah. Wait, have you ever seen a family member hooking up in front of you?

Speaker 2 Is that not traumatic?

Speaker 3 So, I saw a family member cheating on my uncle. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And just openly for like weeks at a time. And she was like, fucking this dude.
And he went to the house. You watched them hook up.
Yeah, I would hear them fucking or whatever.

Speaker 3 And when my uncle came back from Hong Kong and I was like, Uncle Freddy, do you know that so-and-so is fucking dairy? And it backfired. He cussed me out.
He's like, no, you're a fucking business.

Speaker 2 What he does. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What the fuck?

Speaker 3 So I thought I was being, you know, like a hero.

Speaker 2 He just didn't want to hear it. He was just.
He was like, get the fuck away from me with that bullshit.

Speaker 3 Because I think that it hurt his pride that a little kid was telling him what his wife was doing. I was eight.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. A little kid.
A little kid saying that's tough. Calling it out is tough because then he knows it's real.
Because kids don't fucking lie. Kids are going to say the real.

Speaker 2 He's like, he was loving it. It was fucking, he was smashing her to pieces.

Speaker 2 It's like kids just, they go all the details. They can't not tell you the truth.

Speaker 2 I almost witnessed my parents fuck.

Speaker 2 I was, so I would sneak out of my room. I just got the, I just like shook.
I have goosebumps.

Speaker 3 Wait, but don't you guys like the idea?

Speaker 3 Yeah, but I like the idea of my parents being like dumb and full of cum.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck machines.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, you don't? My parents look like mythological creatures.

Speaker 2 It's like Yoda and fucking Gollum fucking. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I would sneak out of my room and watch like late. I would hope to like watch the tonight show or Letterman to see if there were stand-ups on in high school, right?

Speaker 2 So one night, I was 16, maybe, and I was watching, and then I could hear my parents walk down the hallway, right? So I turned the TV off and I jumped behind the couch.

Speaker 2 Then my parents put in a Korean video, like a VHA tape, right, of some weird, like

Speaker 2 Korean porn. It was all fuzzy and stuff.
And they're like, oh, good. cool.
My dad was hurting to go on.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And I'm behind the couch, like,

Speaker 2 I have to say something. I cannot win this.
You know what I mean? And so I go, I'm sorry. I go, I'm sorry.
I was watching stand-up, and my dad got so fucking mad, man. Does he have a boner?

Speaker 2 No, he beat me. With a boner? Yes.

Speaker 2 Imagine your dad, hard as fuck, just beating the shit out of you. But

Speaker 2 I couldn't do it. I've only heard it once.
Your parents fucking? Yeah, and it fucked me. I hated it.

Speaker 2 I got up late, and I was going to go downstairs to go get something to drink.

Speaker 2 And as I walked past the door, it was

Speaker 2 traumatized. What'd you hear? You know what the worst part was? I heard him, not her.
What'd you hear? Like, I couldn't hear my mom. That's the worst.

Speaker 2 When you can hear the dude over the girl, women are, I'm not saying women. His face is buried in a pillow, dude.

Speaker 2 Well, she was probably...

Speaker 2 No, but it's so fucked up to hear your parents hooking up because

Speaker 2 I just,

Speaker 2 you want to hear a a woman when you hear someone hooking up. You want to hear a girl.
You want to hear, yeah, yeah. You don't want to hear someone, huh? Even your mama? No, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying the idea of sex, I don't want to hear it at all. But the idea of sex in your mind is like, the woman should be the one I hear.
So what did your dad hear? What did you hear?

Speaker 2 It was that. It was like, yeah.
Oh. And I was like, oh, no.

Speaker 2 I just went downstairs and I ate everything in the fucking cabinet.

Speaker 2 I just keep eating. I was like, what is it over?

Speaker 2 You know what? I was thinking about why do we always talk about poo, sex, glory holes? You know what I mean? Tell me something else to talk about. Ooh.

Speaker 3 Do you want to hear what new role play is going on at home?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 3 So our new role play is that I'm a gold star lesbian and he's a gold star gay guy.

Speaker 2 What's gold star?

Speaker 3 Like we've never been with

Speaker 3 the opposite sex. Right.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 we,

Speaker 2 but we're not getting laid.

Speaker 2 I don't know what you're doing. Cut his mic off.

Speaker 3 We're both in college, but we're not getting laid, but we're best friends. So we're having really just like.

Speaker 2 It's in the conversation. Let her do it.

Speaker 3 So he's a gay guy. I'm a gold star lesbian, but we're best friends.
We're not getting laid lately. And we're just in the dorm room.
We're just like, I guess we'll have sex.

Speaker 3 So we're having very disinterested,

Speaker 3 no passion sex. And you're like, I guess I got to do this.

Speaker 2 It's going to disgust me. You say that.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, he's the lesbian. I'm the gay guy.

Speaker 2 Right. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why did I think about it the other way? Why? Why did I think you were? Well, I'm a girl.

Speaker 2 Yes, I know. I can't believe I even jumped to the other conclusion.
Yeah, and I've never had anything like,

Speaker 2 aside from fingers. You're the lesbian, right? Yeah, that's not the lesbian voice.
That's my character choice. Like, I've never had anything but fingers.
I'm not tired of other actors.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Telling me how to choose my fucking choice. Some of your choices aren't good.
All right, but the fucking directors. Let me hear your gay guy voice.

Speaker 3 Ew, pussy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Which is, that's the only thing I've ever heard those guys say.
You know what, Kalila, I just don't talk to people. Here's the thing, okay? You and I, we share so much.

Speaker 3 Have you heard about Brandon? What? What is Brandon? Virgin Brandon.

Speaker 2 Is that your little character, Virgin Brandon?

Speaker 3 Yeah, he's a Virgin Brandon.

Speaker 2 Is Brandon in there? Sit down. Get up to the microphone.
Is Brandon in there? Where's little Brandon?

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Speaker 2 Make sure you're ready to have the confidence and control. Be Roman ready.
I'm here. What are you doing, Brandon? I'm scared.
What are you scared of, buddy? I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know who my parents are. Oh, are you lost? Yeah.
Who's that woman? That woman right there? Yeah.

Speaker 2 She makes me suck on her breasts. She does? Yeah.
It makes my peepee feel funny. You don't like it, do you, Bran? I like it.
You do? Yeah, and then

Speaker 2 it cries. Oh, your peepee cries? But you don't cry, do you?

Speaker 2 I cry because I'm so happy. Yeah, Bran.
So anyway, where is she? She's right there. Yeah.
But what we do is.

Speaker 3 We do not do that kind of thing. Oh, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Virgin Brandon.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. No, no, no.
Let's fuck up. You're not okay.
Jen Andre.

Speaker 2 This is Brandon talking to Andrew. It's not what he would react when he's with you.

Speaker 2 I'm called.

Speaker 3 Virgin Brandon is a 29-year-old incel who's so thankful for the fact that I'm riding him backwards.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's Brandon. That's Brandon.
I was playing Timmy. Sorry.
You were playing Brandon.

Speaker 2 I was playing Timmy. That was Brendan.
That's Brandon. You played Brandon.

Speaker 2 That's who you were talking about. Yeah, Virgin Brandon is someone else.
Wait, reverse cowgirl, so no fate, no not looking at anybody.

Speaker 3 No, no, no. No, I don't want to see.

Speaker 2 um yeah i don't want to see brandon you know when she goes off whenever i whenever i'm like i've never done this before right and she's like yeah well just lay there let me do all the work and when she's when it enters right

Speaker 2 my character acts as if jesus himself

Speaker 2 like it feels so good

Speaker 3 He just keeps saying thank you.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
And she comes so fast. She comes so fast.
You don't say that. What do you say to him? You don't say shit, huh? You're not saying anything to little Brandon.

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up, little Brandon. Yeah.

Speaker 2 See, he likes it. I do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But...

Speaker 2 Who do you think at the Bad Friends Family has the weirdest

Speaker 2 or the most

Speaker 2 surprising sex stuff?

Speaker 2 Pete is just a... He's a good-hearted bear.
See, that's why he does. I think he's a fucking freak because of that.
Because you don't, right? Hey, dude, do you power fuck or what?

Speaker 2 Sometimes, yeah. Oh, fuck.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. What about Fancy?

Speaker 2 You think it's Vanilla? Is Fancy Manila?

Speaker 3 Here's what I think about Fancy. Yeah.
Here's Jenny. Have you guys ever seen, you know the porn star small hands?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 There's this one thing, this one move he does that absolutely drives me wild. And I swear to God, when I look at Andres, I'm like, this is what he does.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 He tears, he doesn't tear, he doesn't ever take the panties off.

Speaker 3 He rips the pussy part of the panty and he creates a hole.

Speaker 2 Wow. This is the wrong day to bring my status here.
No, this is a great day.

Speaker 2 They're all in college. Yeah.
They're doing all this fucked up shit. He rips it, so he's a ripper.
He's a panty. He's a ripper.
Yeah. Look at Little Ripper over there.

Speaker 3 He has never taken a panty off in his life. He rips it.

Speaker 2 He has no how. But he rips it carefully because he's going to sew it back up because he wants to save the underwear.

Speaker 2 Right. He does it carefully, right? So that later, after she's naked, after he comes, right? Yeah.
He's just in the corner of the room just sewing it back up.

Speaker 2 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
And this is a very expensive, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Victoria Secret.
Yeah, that's that's Victoria Secretary. Yeah.
Speaking of Victoria's Secret,

Speaker 2 I don't know if we should talk about it because we might. No, no, I already know what you're saying.
We can't talk about it. But let's try.
No, I'll tell you why we can't talk about it right now.

Speaker 2 Because we can try. I know.

Speaker 2 Let me prove to our audience that we're not just sex and poo and gross stuff. We can talk about something adult and get it not be mean or fucked up.
All right, but can I just say this, right?

Speaker 2 We will talk about it.

Speaker 2 But before we talk about it,

Speaker 2 when I first saw the first photo I saw, right, how did you feel?

Speaker 2 Maybe we shouldn't talk about it.

Speaker 2 It's so easy. I need you to talk about it.

Speaker 3 I am in the dark about this. I don't know what's happening.

Speaker 2 Let's say it so we all know.

Speaker 2 Victoria's Secret hired their first

Speaker 2 Down syndrome underwear model. Okay.
Okay. So

Speaker 2 get the first picture, Pete. Fucking Pete.
The second one. Zoom that out.
I mean, make it big so we can all look at it.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm being honest and I'm not being being mean. I'm just saying the first thought was

Speaker 2 amazing tits. I mean,

Speaker 2 holy shit, does she have amazing, perfect tits? Beats nodding. And then the second thought was,

Speaker 2 I think she's fucking beautiful. But the weird thing is they make you feel weird because they put it out there.
They don't make you feel weird. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 I'm saying the headline, the articles, the articles are like

Speaker 2 Down syndrome underwear model shows all in your eyes. I think you're onto something.
They're baiting you.

Speaker 3 They are baiting you. If they were to just put it out there, ask this girl without announcing it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the way to do do it if i saw that right i would be like oh yes i'd be like oh she's hot she's hot yeah but they're doing this bait thing where they go oh you oh you liked her yeah and she has down syndrome how do you feel now and you're like well i did that wasn't i you now you make me feel like bad about even thinking about it and that's fucked up and also can i say this if i saw that i went wow beautiful you know i droke off to it right i come right sure and then later i read you know what i mean she has down syndrome i'm not gonna put the come back into my penis.

Speaker 2 Also, I wouldn't feel bad about it. Why would I? I don't understand.
So I know why they're doing it. They're saying, hey, this is the first time it's happened.
This should have happened before.

Speaker 2 Inclusion. Great, great.
But also.

Speaker 2 This is a tough thing to talk about, man. I don't know why you would bring this up.
It's such a tough thing. It's like when I saw it.
Because it's interesting as fuck. Yeah.
Can we talk about Camilla?

Speaker 2 What? Camilla. The Russian skater.
Oh, who she fucking got caught cheating and then she fell every time. And then she fell on all her routines.
Yeah. Don't you think they made her fall?

Speaker 2 I couldn't stop thinking about that. She fell on every,

Speaker 2 and you know what? What's his name set? What Johnny Weir goes, that's the worst I've ever seen her skate in her life.

Speaker 3 Didn't she land like five quads just before that?

Speaker 2 Yes. So why would she fall so much? Because she's 15.
No, no, Bobby, because she was

Speaker 2 in her, she was so fucked up in her head about what had happened to her. That's what I'm saying.
She's 15. The pressures.
It's not pressure. It's first of all.
She feels terrible that

Speaker 2 it's over. I think she's like, this is over I'm fucked.
No, she just let's just hear me out. Okay, don't get angry.
Okay, right not gonna not she's 15 years old, right?

Speaker 2 She's skating for the ROC, right? The reason why they're called the ROC is why because they cheated and they're gonna be cheated before right in Sochi or whatever, right?

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 now she has a drug test that says positive, right? The Olympics in itself is pressure because she's like one of the best ones. She's expected to get gold.
She's the best. She's the best, right?

Speaker 2 And then she's like that little Ching Chong that won for us.

Speaker 2 Nathan Chen. That Nathan Ching Chung Chen.
That it was his big name. That's his big nickname, by the way.
Yeah. Ching Chong.
I think you're in love with him. What? You do love him.
I love him so much.

Speaker 2 Bring up a picture of this beautiful. Nathan Chen is so fucking talented.
Is his middle name Ching Chong for real? Yeah. Well, that's my nickname for real.

Speaker 2 This guy is still

Speaker 2 at that point by the shit. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 I just made you come. That's what he's doing.
You just came. Look at your penis.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at how big your penis is now.

Speaker 2 This dude right here is fucking a prodigy. He's the man.
He is the man. But he's a boy, right? How old is this guy? He's a boy.
What the fuck? How old is he? He's 20? That's so funny.

Speaker 2 They're so young, but they're so unbelievably talented.

Speaker 2 What did you do? I thought you were going to do a racial joke. What? Well, he's Asian, so he looks younger.
Oh, something I don't know. No, I mean, you guys all look amazingly young for your age.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Not you.
Look at him right there. God, look at that.
Oh, look at that. Why do they take those pictures and why do they publish them? Why do we need to see that?

Speaker 2 he's such a handsome dude they didn't need to put that one out there yeah you know what the fuck are you doing wire image you couldn't this couldn't be one that you tossed

Speaker 2 like during the kill session everybody knows when you get photos there's a kill session why did this go through what if it's a beginning photographer and he's it's his first time right he's he's so nervous right and then he that's the only good one that they got you're right and they're like i guess fuck man uh super talented what do you think about eileen goo eileen goo Eileen Gu.

Speaker 2 She's the girl that rode for China, but she's American. What do you think about that? I don't know.
Well, you got to have an opinion.

Speaker 3 I don't know what you're saying. She's born and raised here.

Speaker 2 Born and raised in the New Island girl. From the Bay Area.
She's a snowboarder. She's from, look at her.
She's gorgeous. Beautiful.
She's a model. She's so fucking talented.
She's beautiful.

Speaker 2 She rides for China because her mother is China. Mom is Chinese.
Mom is Chinese. Mom is Chinese.
But she's born and raised in America, and she rides for China. And there's a lot of controversy.

Speaker 2 When you mix Asian sometimes with white. White is great.
White is right. Look what it did.
Bless you. White is right.
Look what it did. White is right.
Look what it did.

Speaker 2 And when you're a purebred, like you,

Speaker 2 not a saluda.

Speaker 2 We need a little bit of mixing. I think Chen is hot.
The point I'm making is racial mixing is fucking great. I'm being positive.
I'm pro-racial mixing.

Speaker 2 So Eileen Gu, snowboarder, phenomenal, but she's writing for China, Bob. But China.

Speaker 2 And her both won't answer her citizenship because you cannot have dual citizenship with China. She'd have to relinquish her American citizenship legally

Speaker 2 and then become a Chinese resident. And her quote was pretty political.
She said something to the effect of: when I'm in China, I'm Chinese.

Speaker 2 When I'm in America, I'm an American. But I identify with both nationalities because of my background.

Speaker 2 I think.

Speaker 2 Give it a shot. You trained in America.

Speaker 2 You used our facilities.

Speaker 2 And now you're going to ride for the Chinese.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's fucked up.
Yeah. You can't train here.
Okay. Did she get into the American team? She probably didn't.
And she was like, I'll go to

Speaker 2 be wrong. She's the best.
She can get an

Speaker 2 Choi, the Korean girl?

Speaker 3 Different event. This is skiing.
This is

Speaker 2 snowboarding. No, no, no.
Eileen Gulf. I mean, she's skiing.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Sorry. Chloe Kim is the snowboarder.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 But, but.

Speaker 3 Who got her into skiing?

Speaker 2 Her immigrant Chinese mom. Immigrant Chinese mom who moved to America to give her a good life.
Yeah. And they grew up in the Bay Area.
And then she trained in, I think it was in Tahoe. Tahoe.

Speaker 2 And then guess what? What? You're American. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can't do Ryford China. I just think it's not right.
I think that's not fair. Because then you can say that about fucking.

Speaker 2 I can say, I identify if I spent every summer in Ireland with my grandfather. I'd be like, oh, I'm Irish.
It's like, well. Well, honestly, I have fantasies about.
I really have fantasies about this.

Speaker 2 About Eileen Goo. No, about me being an athlete in the Olympics.
What would you play? Oh, no. High jump.

Speaker 2 High jump.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine?

Speaker 2 Watching you in a long distance. I bet you money that I could high jump with the pole better than you can.

Speaker 2 My bank account. My literal bank account.
How much? All of it. All of it.
Literally all of it. $100.

Speaker 2 No, let's make it. I don't want to get homeless from it, right? $100.
$100. Yeah, yeah.
Find a facility. Fancy.
Yeah, yeah. I'm dead.
With the same pole, same height. I will go higher.

Speaker 2 Well, Well, no, you would need a shorter pole for sure. No, no, no.
I could use the same pole. And that's rude.
Do you think? Look,

Speaker 2 me holding the pole, this, you holding the pole?

Speaker 2 You got a telephone pole? Yeah. Find a facility, not now.
But I have a fantasy of being a high jumper, right? And I trained in America. And then Korea is like, we don't have anybody to do that.

Speaker 2 Right? And you're the guy. And me going on the phone, what the fuck you say? Speak English, dude, or whatever.
You know what I mean? You asshole. And then I'd be like, I will join you.

Speaker 2 I think I would fucking high jump for for Korea. You would.
Yeah. I love being who I am.
And I love the Korean. You're a San Diego boy.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You're a little San Diego bitch boy.
You're Brandon. You're a little Brandon.

Speaker 2 Me.

Speaker 2 There he is.

Speaker 2 You are scared. Who's that cool? Over there.

Speaker 2 Keep going.

Speaker 2 What is your character name when he's Brandon? Do you have one? I think I'm like Adult Susan or something.

Speaker 2 Susan. Or no, it's always a last name, like Mrs.
Gibson.

Speaker 2 Oh, Miss Gibson. Mrs.
Gibson. Oh, she's married.

Speaker 2 And what about Mr. Gibson? What's he up to? He's watching.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, don't stop now.

Speaker 2 What do we think

Speaker 2 fantasy is? Because he won't tell us.

Speaker 2 Honey, I'm hom. He would say...
Was he Korean? No, can I even... It says honey.
Honey, I'm a homa. You said that like that.
Honey, I'm hom.

Speaker 2 That's him. Okay.
Honey, I'm homa. Yeah.
Right? And she's like, what'd she say? I don't even know what his his wife sounds like. Oh, she's beautiful, by the way.
She's gorgeous. She sounds like this.

Speaker 2 First of all, can I say something?

Speaker 2 When I saw his wife,

Speaker 2 I swear to God, I did not believe it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I did not. It was like...
What do you think it is with Fancy that she likes so much? It's not those shirts. It's definitely the shirts.

Speaker 2 You think it is? Yeah. By the way, Fancy is...
Translucent skin now.

Speaker 2 We don't say translucent. Oh, so sorry, my bad.
And the thing about Fancy is that he brought his students to the show today. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And they used to,

Speaker 2 seriously, respect him.

Speaker 2 Right. He's their fucking teacher.
And now he's going to be a business.

Speaker 2 Can we bring one student to stand here? I need to ask them a question.

Speaker 2 Anyone volunteer who's the leader of the group?

Speaker 2 Oh, what a cutie. We got a cutie here.
Do you know what this guy's name is? Well, you got to get him on camera. Yeah, you got to get him on camera.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just stand right here in the middle of the room. Stand in the middle of the room.
A little bit this cutie.

Speaker 2 Don't get too close. Kneel down.

Speaker 2 Kneel down. Kneel down.
Kneel down. So they can see you.
They're right. Thank you.
This is funny. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you know what this kid's name is? Let me guess. Look at me.
Francisco. No.
You won't believe. You don't know.
No, no, let me just give it.

Speaker 2 It's me. Andrew.
No. What?

Speaker 2 Santino. His name is Santino.
That's his first name? Santino. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So let me ask you something, my friend, right? Do you go to like DeVry? Oh, my God. Or no, just let me ask you this.

Speaker 2 Do you go go to what school? Let me ask you, what class are you taking? Is it like for like

Speaker 2 what is he teaching?

Speaker 2 Fancy? What is he teaching? What is he teaching? No, fucking killing him.

Speaker 2 Talking fancy.

Speaker 2 Say, Dino!

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. He's a kid.
This is my brethren. I'm so sorry.
You're a kid. I'm so sorry.
He's teaching us about like LA Life, film industry, like the stuff that he's doing. Okay.
He knows about that.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 According to these young students,

Speaker 2 he is the best. They are in love with this guy.

Speaker 2 Yell out loud. Is Fancy the best?

Speaker 2 Can you see this? These kids respect this man. They love him.
They think he's got the answer. You know what the funniest part is? Bob? He works for us.

Speaker 2 We can fire him at any moment, and they would lose all this respect for him. Yeah,

Speaker 2 he doesn't even work for us. He's our slave.
Slave. He's our little slave.
He's our little slave. He's a slave.
Let me say something about Santino. Look at him.
Beautiful eyes.

Speaker 2 Look at those beady little eyes. He is a pretty boy.
Look at me right now, Santino. Look at that.
Look at him. Look at the fresh skin.
Stare at him, Santino. Don't break it.
Look at my skin.

Speaker 2 Bro, I'm your elder. I'm 50.
I'm Asian, too. Respect me, dude.
Look at me right now.

Speaker 2 You have soft, angelic skin.

Speaker 2 And there's a really nice, you know.

Speaker 2 Are you a virgin? Oh, don't be crazy. Oh, don't be creepy.
Okay, I'll be crazy. Let me ask you.
Kalila, perfect.

Speaker 2 I want to say something about

Speaker 2 your teacher, okay?

Speaker 2 Whatever I do from now on, right?

Speaker 2 Whatever project I do, I want him involved in everything that I do. That's how much I respect him.
He really is

Speaker 2 just a one in a million. And

Speaker 2 yeah, man, he's a good dude. So congratulations.
Let me tell you what I feel about him.

Speaker 2 The moment. And I mean this.

Speaker 2 the moment this show is over, Bob and I quit the show.

Speaker 2 I will

Speaker 2 never, underline, never

Speaker 2 speak to that piece of shit ever again.

Speaker 2 I'll block his fucking number. He'll see me in the street.
Hey, Andrew! I will just look the other fucking way. I want nothing to do with that pig.

Speaker 2 And he directed, he's a great director. He's a piece of shit.
He directed shit. A sketch for me, dude, like 10 years ago.
It got like six views on YouTube.

Speaker 2 So, wow.

Speaker 2 He's phenomenal. All right.
You can go back and sit with him. Thank you, Santino.

Speaker 2 You're the man. He's a good dude, right? He's cutie.
Like him. He's a cutie patuti.
When I say cutie, it's not a, you know what I mean? I just think that he's got a good energy. That's all.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it does have your.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a little. How old is he? Santino, how old are you?

Speaker 2 19. Yeah, it's a little weird.

Speaker 2 Sorry about that.

Speaker 2 Pete brought us something. Pete, I'll try it out with Bob to see what he says.
Pete brought us a can.

Speaker 2 Pete wants, you know, Pete likes games. Pete wants us to do games.
Yeah. What is it? It's a what-if game.
All right, so this is for Kalila and Bobby together. Let's see.

Speaker 2 What if you had to dress each other for the insurrection? Oh, what would we dress? What would we dress? What would we do for each other? That's a really good one. What's your insurrection outfit?

Speaker 2 What would you do for me? How would you dress me up for the insurrection?

Speaker 2 You?

Speaker 2 Yeah. What I would do.

Speaker 2 You have to dress me. I have to dress Kalila.
Right. So what I would do is put eyeliner.
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
So I want you to have like a Robert Smith Cura vibe. Sick.
Right? Yep. Black Cura wig.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah. And then I would want like,

Speaker 2 what's that movie with Angelina Jolie? Magnificent. Magnificent.
Maleficent. Maleficent.
Maleficent. Yeah.
That black, leathery with the, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 You're going to look like Venom. Oh, that's so sick.
Yeah, like that? Like a slick, yeah, black, leathery thing, right? I'm showing up. High eyeliner, right? And then your

Speaker 2 speakers, right? Oh. Guess what? It's playing dashboard confessional.

Speaker 2 Emo.

Speaker 2 You're going to emo, right? But right, you have a belt, right? And you've got like

Speaker 2 guns. You're going to really fuck things up.
I've got guns? Yeah, you've got guns, explosives. You're giving me everything.
And then you break in, and then you go to Nancy Pelosi's office.

Speaker 2 What do I do in there? Right?

Speaker 2 And what you do is you...

Speaker 2 You kick the desk. I kick it.
Yeah, and you go, fuck you, man. Fuck you, Pelosi.

Speaker 2 Your pants.

Speaker 2 You're your pants. And he pops up.
Yes, sir? Yeah. What would I dress like?

Speaker 2 I would put you in one of those. I would try to dress you in every single racist stereotype that I could find.
I want you wearing a rice patty hat. I want you wearing a karate outfit.

Speaker 2 I want you wearing.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 That's what they like.

Speaker 2 And so what.

Speaker 2 I want you wearing a need.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm dressed like.

Speaker 2 And you have have size. A thousand different Asian people.
Raphael. Yeah, you're all the same.
And you have size. Obviously.
And you have those shoes that divide, the feet divide. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But you have socks and the. And they're little wooden bottoms.
Are my feet binded? They're bound. Bound, right? Your feet are bound.
I probably have an accent. 100%.
And it's a bad thing.

Speaker 2 So I'm probably going, where meets McConnell. Bigger.

Speaker 2 A bigger accent. Even bigger.
Yeah. Where is?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Meet McConnell.
Perfect. Right.
Yeah. And that's.
And that's how I want you to be. Yeah, yeah.
Because they would love that. They go, get a kick out of this guy.
Yeah. Look at Wang over here.

Speaker 2 That's what they would say. I'm dressing you for those guys.
So funny. Would they not light him on fire for you? Oh, 100%.
That's why I'm doing it. I'm just sending him in as bait.

Speaker 2 How would we dress Kalila for it? You know what'd be better? If you dressed me like Elaine Chow.

Speaker 2 Oh. Mitch McConnell's wife.
Very smart. Right.
So I'm coming in, right? Excuse me. I awook here.

Speaker 2 Can I see her, by the way? It's okay. Yeah.
She might look like you. Yeah, yeah.
So I'm dressed as Elaine Chow,

Speaker 2 right? This is Mitch McConnell's wife. There we go.

Speaker 2 Can I be 100% serious?

Speaker 2 Your hair looks exactly like that right now. Move.
Exactly. You don't have to do much.
No, seriously, that's you. I shave my mustache.
Hello, excuse me. I go to my office.
Right? I'll do the walk.

Speaker 2 She walks like that. I don't know mad anymore.

Speaker 2 Insane.

Speaker 3 With your kitten heels?

Speaker 2 You have my kitten heels. Click, click, click, click.
And then what I would do is I would just put put down a briefcase,

Speaker 2 open it up,

Speaker 2 and the whole thing went.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You'll do it. Dress Kalila.
Dress Kalila for the insurrection, by the way. Oh, God.

Speaker 2 She gets too deep. It's so deep.
What if Bobby had a six-pack?

Speaker 3 I would never have a bad thing. If you never fuck him again.

Speaker 2 You would never fuck him again. If he got in shape, you would never fuck him again.
If I suck in my stomach, you can see the packs.

Speaker 2 Let me see. What do you mean? Like the outlines where the packs used to be.
No, no, they're there. It's just under a lot of fat.

Speaker 2 You You know, you take a beer out of a six-pack and they're still, and it's like there's still the ring. Don't suck in.
Let it go.

Speaker 2 Do you see any? But let it go right now. Yeah.
I mean, I know, but suck as hard as you can. Now, one, two, three, suck.

Speaker 2 Now jump up and down.

Speaker 2 It's not jiggling too much. Now put, let it out.
Wait, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Did you see any packs?

Speaker 3 I saw a suggestion of one.

Speaker 2 I saw like a

Speaker 2 suggestion.

Speaker 2 I saw like a an apparition I saw I saw a ghost of an ab

Speaker 2 I used to be here

Speaker 2 a ghostly ab that used to be there go um here's what I here's what I want to apologize to the kids kids this this this podcast

Speaker 2 was supposed to be I just got on a rehab Sunday right it was gonna be me you know talk about like you know, how we feel and this and that. And because these kids are here, right?

Speaker 2 I felt like we had to do this. I just want to apologize.
No, you know what I mean? Don't. Okay.
They loved it. Did you guys like it?

Speaker 2 Is there a camera on those kids? All right, so I want you guys to sign us off and say thank you for being a bad friend on the count of three altogether, okay?

Speaker 2 One, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend.
That's great.

Speaker 2 Woof.

Speaker 2 Woof.