Slept King Returns and Rudy’s New Replacement

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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Didn't you drive together in the same farm? We did, but we Yeah, we did, yeah. We'd like to arrive separately, like, um...
Yeah, that was... I liked it.
What is it? Like, Angelina Jolie and, um, Weekend. Bobby...
Oh, no. I was gonna say, uh...
What's his name? Why can't I think of the dude's name? Bobby Monaghan. Yeah, Bobby Monaghan.
No, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton.

Billy Bob Thornton. They dated, but not secretly.

That's what you guys are.

That's Billy Bob Thornton and you're Angelina Jolie.

What would be the difference?

Yeah, but my dick is not as crusty.

I feel like his dick is crusty.

No, he's a babe.

Now?

I think he's always been a babe.

Ask Canadians.

We don't have any Canadians in this room.

Billy Bob Thornton, what he did in Canada. What did he do? He acted like I would act.
What? In a good way. Like an asshole? Like an asshole.
Yeah. Like a big asshole? No, because what happened was, you know, he's in a band, right? That I know.
We talk about it on the show. We talk about it on the show.
We talk about it already. Shut the fuck up, man.
I just got out of rehab. I'm sorry.

You know what?

That was my bad.

And by the way, congratulations on getting out of rehab.

You guys, we have something for you, Bob.

We've got a trophy.

Bobby Lee, Kickin' the Habit 2022, a little karate trophy for Kickin' the Habit.

Congratulations, Bob.

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

So this right here is weed.

That's drugs.

Yeah.

So weed's coming.

He goes, like that.

Smoke me.

Smoke me.

Smoke me.

And then I got rid of porn too.

Fuck me.

Fuck me.

Old and young.

Mostly old.

More old than young.

Whatever my fetish is.

Olders for youngers.

Olders for youngers.

Olders for youngers.

And the reason why I like that porn, by the way, is because I identify with the old man

because I have such a bad self-poor image.

So when I Google porn, I don't do porn anymore, baby.

All right, baby?

Intimacy.

You are an old man too, though.

You identify because you're an old guy.

I am.

You are.

You're an old sweet man.

I just realized that, huh?

Yeah, you're old.

But when I went to rehab, though, why did all the kids follow me around? Because you act like a child. Ah.
Right. But bro.
Yep. I was a leader there, dude.
Well. Are you sure? Because I have a voicemail.
Do you guys want to hear it? Yes, yes. Is this a voicemail of a leader? Let's hear.
Also, by the way, can we welcome the wonderful Kalilah to the show? Thank you, Kalilah, for coming. I'm here begrudgingly because the little one has COVID.
I know, and you guys brought it. So thank you for bringing it.
We don't have COVID. She got tested.
She doesn't have it. I know she did.
I know you didn't. I'm immune.
I'll never get it. I know.
Do you know why? Why? When I was in Arizona, right, they let me escape and go to the mall, right?

I'm double masked, right?

Yeah.

And I almost got COVID.

Do you know why?

No, tell me.

Because a lot of people recognize me.

Oh, kid.

Let's play this voicemail to bring you back down to earth.

Yeah.

Is this the message of the leader over here?

Let's hear.

Great.

So, um. I had dinner.
The food here is terrible. Terrible.
Oh my god. It's like awes.
There's fights breaking out. It's like people stalking me.
It's terrible. I don't know if I'm going to sleep tonight, but I'm quiet because it's like 52 men talking on phones around me I feel like I'm in prison I'm in Guantanamo Bay I love you I'm going to try to sleep tonight but I'm not going to happen bye bro you have no idea what I went through did you hang that sounded like he up a prison phone.
You know when they're attached to a plexiglass?

That was a payphone?

Do I get?

Okay, first of all.

This is the first.

You called me from this place.

The first place?

Yeah.

I get there, right?

They go, you sleep there.

All right.

I put my pajamas on.

I don't have a pajamas.

Yeah, what are you talking about?

You don't fucking pajamas.

I get in my underwear, right?

There's a man laying next to me.

Like, I could touch his skin. And he's probably 70 years old right and he's naked i think but i see one of his legs is sticking out of the sheets okay and you know how you white people have a lot of miracles i don't have any spider web veins i looked at your skin i'm walking in your body right andwebs.
I can see a lot of veins in your body, right? And he was doing this.

Bro, this is what he was doing.

He was going like this.

He was going.

Yeah!

As long.

Every minute he was doing that.

Right?

Yeah.

And I took two edibles.

Why?

You fucking idiots.

Because I don't want to be the first guy to show up at treatment sober sober right the irony of that is staggering isn't it funny that everybody gets fucked up and then they go to treatment they get as high as they can yeah yeah and then they go oh I was at the airport I was going crazy right nothing yeah I was jerking off two guys yeah that that what that is? No, I was like drinking.

So I go there and I take all my shit and I go to the lobby.

And I sleep in a chair like this.

Because this guy's screaming all night long.

But I can still hear him.

And then this little girl comes up to me.

She must have been 14, 15 years old.

And she goes, I'm not going to make it. No.
Yeah, I swear to God. And she just walks away.
Right? And I'm literally, I have to be here for a month. I shouldn't laugh, but that is so fucking creepy.
Two days later, right? Yeah. I literally see, I'm sleeping.
I see a little kid, a teenage kid getting dragged by his hair across the hall. And he's going'm gonna stab you in the eyes with an ice pack right this is rehab it's a good one it's no it's not good it's not good it feels like and to get out of there right what do we have to do I had to call the Jews man I mean you had to call the Jews all of them so I called Jerusalem you did I jerusalem yeah you called israel i got all the lawyers and they got me out of there well how was it was it legally binding they were going to make you stay they can't make you stay anywhere but they wouldn't drive right they wouldn't let me leave and then they also wouldn't let get me a ride but we have to have some clarity you went to a different rehab people it's not like you broke out of a rehab and came.
You went to another rehab. He went to initially a 30-day inpatient.

Oh, right.

Where it's like

they fucking chain you in.

Yeah.

And you're not allowed

to make phone calls.

They take your phone

and your iPad.

So what are you doing

in the middle of the night?

I'm trying to masturbate

through my memory.

You can't jerk off

with your mind.

No, but my mind, right, is very clever and i have a manage imagination you do yeah so it's kind of like her like her tit right one tit yeah his ass cheeks fancy i love your ass cheeks what part of me they're so european and slav the merry food right pete's titties his titties are so so there's You have three tits. You have one of her tits, two of Pete's tits.
Hers is the center tit. Both tits, Pete's tits on the side.
Right. So sweaty and nice.
Right. And beer comes out.
Beer comes out of his tits. Yeah, yeah.
But I'm sober, so I avoid it. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. So it's great beer, right? So you're only sucking Kalado's middle tits.
Yeah, so you're gonna write, and I'm avoiding his fucking, yeah. I'm sober, I'm sober.
And then... But I couldn't not.
Couldn't finish. No.
In fact, I have 17 days of no porn. Can you masturbate just to your mind? I can.
It just takes a long time. Do you have to use a toy? No, I don't use any toys.

You guys don't have any toys?

I have to.

I don't use any toys because I'm afraid that I'll have to rely on it for the rest of my life.

Because those clit suckers these days are next level.

They're a clit sucker.

You know we got one at the crib.

It does.

And it goes.

It sucks in.

But you can do that with your mom. Because I can't roll my can't roll my tongue i can't roll my tongue so i have to go i just get so tired that this thing this thing picks up the slack yeah but yesterday i go can i eat your vagina and then you said it's bloody and i go i said i want to she wouldn't let me do you do it uh no definitely not seems like a bad time you just take a break for a couple of days i know but i just got a rehab so i'm like let me you know right it's like print like when you get out of prison yeah i had a fork and the whole thing you know i mean anyway um it's good to be back it's great that you're back we're happy and um and then i went to another place and I couldn't sleep for how many days?

Well, you called me.

I was in New York.

I think you're on four, three or four days.

96 hours.

I didn't sleep.

Wow.

So crazy.

So crazy.

And you talked like a guy who hadn't slept.

Yeah.

And they thought I was going to have a psychotic break.

And then I went to a mall and then they said.

When you're going to have a psychotic break, everybody at home, go to a mall.

No, I had to go to Build-A-Bear. Right.
That's the place. No, no, no.
I had to go to Build-A-Bear. Why? It's a part of the thing.
So can I tell you about Build-A-Bear? Please. All right.
So when you go to this place, they go, you have to go to Build-A-Bear. At least sometime in your break.
Is this rehab owned by Build-A-Bear? No, no, no, no, no. No, it's McDonald's.
No. But you go to Build-A-Bear and you build your original child.
Oh, I see. Right? So, you know, your original child when you're born.
Don't laugh. This is real.
I know. But what do babies need? They need to be held.
Love. Love.
Nurtured Comfort, food. Feel safety.
Food. Yeah.
My dad played golf on my body. You know what I mean? So you build this bear, right? And remember the first one I built a couple years ago? And you hold it like it's your inner child.
You know what I mean? But because I had a psych psychotic break right i literally was had the baby in the mall and i didn't know where i was not only did not know where i was i didn't know what city i was in i didn't know if i was in a mall yeah that's how fucking tired i was you were a guy walking around just with a fucking bear build a where am i it was fucking crazy it's called a fugue state. Fugue state.
So. Do you know that's how you.
Do you know that's what it was? Yes. The fugue state.
And the one last thing I want to say before you go into the internet is this. I would like to have the renege.
Reneg? I would like to renege. Right.
Because last week I was very vulnerable. Yeah.
And I called you. Yeah.
I think I cried. You did.
And I think I regret half of the things I said. Really? A little bit.
It was like the nicest call you've ever made. What did I say? I forgot.
I was at a farm in upstate New York. Yeah.
And you said, I just want to tell you that I love you. No one's ever.
I'm doing improv doing it i'm not making fun of all right i'm doing you said and no one's ever done what you did and you're a real friend and i love you and i'm dead serious and you would go back into a normal voice and then you go oh you don't understand i love you and then you hung up and you called back 20 minutes later and you said, I don't know, man. I don't know how much of that stuff I mean.
Okay, good. I did this.
So you did take it back. Yeah.
And then I said, why would you do that? And then you said, I don't know. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding. Okay, I got to go.
I got to go. Okay.
You know what? So you meant some of it. No, you know what? You're right.
I want to say it here. Okay.
I'm going to say it here. Okay.
Don't roll okay don't roll your eyes well i know what's coming no you do yeah okay but go ahead no but i want to hear it i'm sorry go ahead you know i've been in this business for ever okay start over please i've been in this business forever right and um you know in the beginning of my career, I just met just terrible people. You know what I mean? Name them.
Just open micers like Zoo Man and Wally Wong and these guys. You know what I mean? Ali Wong? Wally Wong.
Oh, is this your dad? You don't know Wally Wong. So anyway, and then I came to L.A.
It was fucking terrible. And I spent many, many years just meeting terrible people, comics.
But every once in a while, you'll meet somebody that just, you'll just spark your heart. And you're one of those guys.
When I saw you, it was like, it was almost as if I saw somebody that I knew my whole life. Like, it was that easy, that comfortable.
And during my dark times in my life, you've been there 100%. You call me three in the morning.
You always call me back, right? You're always checking up on me. And I honestly, I, you know, I, I, I re-found my God.
Like I, I lost God. But you found God again.
I found God again. And I prayed to God last week.
And I said, thank you for putting Brian Call... I mean, Andrew Centino.
I was waiting. I'm sorry.
No, I was saying, thank you for putting Andrew Centino in my life. And yeah, I'm just really blessed.
I love you. Thank you.
Say something now about me. Well, Bob.
Feels good. I love it.
I'm happy that you are found God and redefining what you want in life because you are a little lost. And I think you're more centered now.
And talking to you on the phone seemed like you were really figuring out what you needed and i love you and you know you mean the world to me feels good yeah but i've said that to you all the whole time yeah i do love me though i love you very very much okay and i was i was very concerned when i when sharon i talked about you coming to mexico and i talked with these guys, we were – Next time I get out of rehab, don't bring an audience. No, no.
These people are all in rehab as well. Oh, is that what it is? This is all – Oh, they need help.
Yeah, they all need help. Okay, okay.
It's inspiration. I can teach them.
But when she told me you were on your way to Mexico and you were in some trouble, I didn't know what we were in for. And Fancy B was real nervous.
So when I was in Mexico, what was I like? Well, you threw up all over the hotel. That's right.
That's right. And then we said at dinner, Fancy was like, no one's going to have a drink because we didn't want to have a drink around you.
And who's the first person that ordered a drink? Bobby. Bobby.
Yeah, Bobby.

Margarita.

Yeah.

No, not funny.

The longest two hours of my life.

What?

The longest two hours of my life.

It was the long...

Fancy was quivering.

The whole time he was like

so nervous and scared

and we couldn't have fired him.

No, I was so manipulative.

I mean, the things I was saying

to George was so crazy.

It was fucked up.

It was fucked up.

Yes, I apologize.

How'd you get him to the airport?

What's that?

How'd you get him to the airport?

Because I knew that he woke up

in his own vomit.

Yes, we job controlling you. You came to the door with poop on your hand in front of me do you know that i'm so sorry that's okay it was a little shocking well you don't knock on my door when i'm pooping how would i know that's true you're not gonna send me a text right i'm just saying try to like how about this try to know when you poop no not don't knock on my door then don't come say hi yeah you got it oh no why don't you text me first are you pooping oh that's the first test i should send right right and i go yeah then wait five minutes i'll give it over i'll get away but i shouldn't even if i'm pooping i shouldn't wipe my ass and then brought it to the door what do you think is you think he should wipe his ass and bring it to the door? I'm looking for a third party opinion.
I guess mine is wrong. I think like sober or not sober, he's going to bring poop to the door.
That's not true. He's into poop.
He really is into poop. No, can I say something right now? I'm surprised you don't let me shit on your chest.
Do you never want her to do something like that? Shit on my chest? He constantly wants to smell my shit. I want to shit her.
I like the smell of shit. Wait, time off.
What do you smell? What though? In the toilet? No, no, no. I like the smell of like wet ass.
We're back, baby. No, the hole.
Like when the hole is wet. Right.
Not poo. Right.
It's like. Like out of the pool, out of the shower? How about this? How about this? Yeah.
You know how you open up a magazine and sometimes they have like a cologne or perfume that you just kind of, right? Yeah. That magnitude of poo.
It's not a big pile of poo. It's just a little...
It's a waft. Yeah, it's like poo by Revlon.
Revlon. Is Revlon a company? Yeah.
Right? And I go, hmm, interesting. Elephant poo.
You know what I mean? I do this. It's a light.
It's not a gigantic. This should be good when it dries.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I understand.
Yeah, so, but I don't want a piece of shit on my chest. Let's try.
You want to try to shit on my chest? Yeah, I do. What's the one where there's a piece of glass between you? I like that.
Is that a hot Carl? What is that? No, I thought the hot Carl was just bear chest shit on bear chest. Okay, that's hot Carl.
There is one. There's a piece of glass in between you.
Pete, you got to know what this is. That's just like a version of a dental dam? Glass bottom boat.
Oh, wow. It's called a glass bottom boat because you can see all the coral.
Right, that's exactly right. See, it says typically a coffee table, which is true.
I've i've heard that it's you guys have a glass coffee table at the house yeah we do i think

i have one in the garage i can actually lend it also we have a little money we can buy one

well let's buy you a glass bottom boat so what happens i i'm underneath a table like this you

lay glass well here's the deal you're supposed to like hug it so the glass is flush with your chest

because you need to feel the heat that radiates through the glass that's the whole point because if you're just underneath it,

who cares?

Right.

You need to,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

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you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

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you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what,

you know what, you know what, you know what, And then onto saran wrap eventually.

Saran wrap, right?

Right.

And then after saran wrap-

The real thing.

The real deal.

So you build to poo.

Right.

You don't need to go there right away.

That's, you know, I understand your hesitancy.

But you know, like I was watching the Bill Cosby documentary.

What a comic.

Just hear me out.

It has nothing to do with, you know what I mean?

That should have been the name of his documentary. Hear me out.
Hear me out. I can explain.
Can you? So what? So, but in the beginning of the, when he started his career, he was just a bartender, right? Right. And then a year later, he was on TV.
So unbelievable. How fast.
So fast. Right.
So I'm going to go straight to poo. Oh, you want the Bill Cosby experience.

I don't need to go to open mic.

Right.

That's what it is.

Saran wrap, the glass.

That's open mic.

You're selling out arenas.

I'm going to go pro.

Okay.

I'm going to go Madison Square Garden.

I'm going to go Dan Cook.

You shit in my face.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Shit in my mouth.

I'll do it.

No, you don't want it in your mouth, buddy.

Why?

Because no way.

The Germans do it.

Oh, yeah.

Shiza.

Shiza.

Did you ever like two girls, one cup? You know, let's revisit it. The world is great, by the way.
I watched the Tinder swindler and I got to tell you, full support of this guy. What is his name? Simon Levi.
Love this guy. Did you watch it? I called, I texted my brother and I go, I think I have a new AA sponsor i mean i'm gonna call him in israel and go can you sponsor me this guy's the king this guy is the king you loved it didn't you i loved it i also was just immediately as soon as i saw the type of women he was after i'm like i see you bro i see you dog look let me tell you something yeah did he scam a lot of people? Yeah.
$10 million. Yeah.
Is it?

Is it super funny? It's so funny. And also, is it clever? Very.
And well thought out? Very. That's all I'm saying.
I think he's a bad guy. Bad guy.
But he's very good at like planning. At being a bad guy.
A bad guy, yeah. Yeah, we like bad guys.
And I'm not blaming the victims. No, no.
Never blame the victims, Andreas, right? But if Kalilah was in Germany and she calls me, she goes, oh, my bodyguard got beat up and my credit cards aren't working. You know what I mean? Can you wire me? I've dated her for 10 years.
You know what I mean I'd be like good luck bye bye 50 grand yeah you can get that money babe on your own okay I'm not doing it not doing it yeah I'm not doing it so some it's you know they made some bad choices the victims no no no you're right they're victims and they were manipulated, right? I feel bad for the women, but I also... Do you? No.
I feel bad. No, of course I feel bad.
It's so terrible. It's awful.
It's so terrible. But man, it was so amazing he was able to do it.
The part that I started to really go yucky yuck was when he makes threats to them and all that stuff then i'm like no before that it was just a good scam i like me a good scam but i but then when he was threatening to them then you're like no this isn't this is gross this is disgusting now you're now it's too much but when you just went hey can i borrow pete how funny would it be to scam pete out of 50 grand ruin his life wouldn't that be so funny I have a family. I have two kids.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.
He got kids. It makes it even funnier.
That would be pretty funny. Yeah.
La lavanda ha vuelto a Starbucks. Pon un toque de primavera en tu taza con el ice lavender matcha.
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Whenever I go to Whole Foods or a place and I see Liquid IV being sold there and it's almost sold out, I think I get it because let me say, water alone, I don't like. It's not enough.
When you have Liquid IV in it, right? It just makes it like Elton John. It's delicious.
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I love MeUndies because I love the fabric that they use and I also love the design. You never find designs like that on any of those underwears.
No, none of the underwears have cool designs like that and my favorite thing about it, I'm being serious, is that it stays soft even when you wash a lot and we know you need to wash your underwear more than normal people. Yeah.
You got little stainy stains. I know.
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slash badfriends.

That's MeUndies.com slash badfriends.

Have you been tricked out of money?

Not money, but love.

Oh, that hurts.

His handle on MySpace was Amorcito888.

Oh.

And he was who I thought was an Adonis that lived in Australia.

But I think he was a short Indian man with like eight kids.

That's what the 888 was?

Yeah.

That's my number of children.

That's so funny to think.

It's funny to get tricked out of love because I feel like guys get tricked out of money more than love.

That's why the Tinder swindler, I was like, he won for the good guys it won for the bad guys but also fucking because here's the problem with the whole thing for me each of these women said they fell in love with this guy some of them knew him for like a fucking week right and you really you fell in love with the idea that you were going to be swiss whisked away jets. And I would fall in love with that guy.
But you've got to have some sort of foresight of like, oh, this seems a little, I don't know. It's fairytale-ish.
And if it's too good to be true, it is. He chose wisely.
He was very smart. I know.
They're all Swedish girls or Danish girls. What does this really say about it? Yeah, but this doesn't have- Let's be real for a second.
He's a bad guy. It was interesting.
This guy has to live his life, right? Yeah. Without any empathy.
Yeah, he's a sociopath. Without any real emotional connection to other human beings.
Right. And to be able to lock eyes with somebody and go, hey, man, how are you feeling? You know what I mean? And let me help you, right? Like when i went to the last treatment center i was at this is what saved me and this is a real story it's not funny okay okay this old man right who is a therapist from the 60s that he's still he it's his practice this facility i'm at he rarely comes in but he decided to come in for two hours to see me to do a session right I'm sitting there talking to the man and he starts this is not funny but he goes he was talking about his great great grandkids wow and he how he when he goes to LA Santa Monica and he sees his great grandkids play soccer and their coach is like very mindful and teaches them about positivity and you know what I mean and he starts weeping this old man while he's telling you the story and literally he locks eyes with me and I start weeping with him right and we cried for like three minutes together this old man and I just about soccer.
No, it's about me connecting with him

and feeling his joy and his gratitude, right?

And it's in that moment where I found God

and I know there's going to be a joke coming, right?

I'm fishing for one right now.

But what I'm saying is that

that dude right there can't connect with people in that way.

Yeah, he's crazy.

I know, but that's so...

At the end of the fucking day, this guy's gonna die alone, miserable, and rich. And very rich.
That's why he's rich. So rich.
And he gets a lot of pussy. Fuck.
So... I'm kidding.
But that's my point. I take this guy over the old guy's soccer kids.
Do you understand my point, though? 100%. Right.
Of course. Dude, I'm teasing the idea.
So when I was watching this fucking document, I was just kind of going, he's free in Israel. He can't go anywhere else.
He can't go to Europe again. Well, he just make a fake password.
Didn't you do that like 10 times? I know, but really? He kept doing it the whole film. Yeah, but now I think they're onto him or not.
How? He does a fucking movie about him now. Dude, they did.
Also, he's suing Netflix he said they gave him 16 months he did like 4 or 5 he fucking they don't give a shit it's because he's also wise about the amount that he's swindling it's not billions of dollars and it's not millions and millions of dollars so it's sort of like yeah, what, 48 months? Max. But that's a small price to pay for him.
He can just resume activity after. See, I think they said in total he might have acquired $10 million over the course of all of his scamming, not just from women, from other stuff.
I got to hand it to you. That's pretty great.
But he used, like he would take advantage of one woman, right? They would give him 300 grand or whatever, right? He would use that to finance another relationship. Right.
Why can't you take that, just bamboozle one woman. Invest it.
Invest that fucking money. Yeah, I thought about that the whole time.
Me too. But that's logic.
He loves the gambling. He loves the Ponzi of it all.
It's like, I'm going to use you to take her out, and I'm going to use her to get another hot chick to be my friend. Remember, he did that with another girl befriended hot girls with cool hot girls so that made another girl go this guy's got to be cool he's friends with hot cool girls but but but he has to my argument is this i'm sorry yeah yeah he has to realize that you know some marks might not work out i think a lot of them don't for him right but let's suppose like because it didn't work remember like he got to the point where he had to live in that fucking, what was it? Hostel.
Hostel. Yeah.
And he's begging for money. Yeah.
He's just made, that's how desperate was he? But look, you can go on his Instagram fans. He's back at it again.
He's got a new Benz. He's got a new watch.
He's got a new group of hot blonde girls. So my point is, it's going to continue.
Even these women that have seen this, they don't care. They just still, they're like, fuck it.
I still get to go to private jet with some other bitch's money. People are still doing it.
Look up his Instagram. He's out there.
It's like when women like serial killers in prison. Exactly.
Why do you guys like that? Why do you like that? You get the good sex without the stalking. Oh.

You get the good desperate, oh my God.

A man is so just wasted in a prison, right?

Yes.

There's so much just pent up down there.

Just testosterone.

And then you are just the peak of his existence at that point.

Right.

So a conjugal visit, the idea of a conjugal visit with a man where I know I am just the peak of his existence, he's going to fuck me with all of his might and he won't be able to stalk me or call me or contact me. Wow.
Wow. But also, okay, but okay, here's a guy who's a killer.
Not this guy. Let's just say there's a guy that's a murderer.

Stone cold murderer.

Then he says he found God in prison.

A lot of them do.

And he says, I would never hurt you.

Do you buy this?

You buy this?

I just want you to come see me.

I know my record says I choked out and killed four women,

but I would never do this to you.

Do you buy this?

Not a chance.

No, but there's women that do.

Yeah.

And they go back and they're like, he would never hurt me. You guys don't read the letters he writes me.

Thank you. Do you buy this? Not a chance.
No, but there's women that do. Yeah.
And they go back and they're like, he would never hurt me. You guys don't read the letters he writes me.
Because women are. Say it with me.
What? I didn't mean that. No, women are beautiful.
Wait, you guys would never do a conjugal visit with a woman in prison? Honestly. You? You.
No, but if you were in prison, I wouldn't. No, it has to be.
And it can't be her because that doesn't make sense. Of course you would with her.
You fucking love her. Okay, what about this? Your mom.
Move on. I'll take back the fucking trophy.
It's my fucking trophy. All right.
Thank you. What does it say? What does his post say? No caption.
This guy's the goat. He's just on a fucking boat.
No captions these what does that say memories you know who was you know you know who he is huh andrew schultz this is andrew schultz i can see schultz doing this look at it top or nothing this guy's the best dude wait wait wait what a psycho what does top or nothing mean it's a drop top he's in a drop top car. Oh.
But it also doesn't make sense.

Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.

Top or nothing.

I love this guy.

He's fascinating.

Love it.

What does that say?

Back at home.

Just rubbing it in.

I don't know.

I would never.

I don't know.

Would you conjugal visit a woman that was in jail?

But you don't know her.

You've never met her.

You read about her in the news.

This is what happens with women. They read about the guy in the news.
They start writing him letters. I had fantasy about Eileen Wuornos.
Who? She's like a... Imagine Eileen Wuornos.
I had fantasies about Eileen... Like visiting Eileen Wuornos in prison.
I don't know who that is. She was the woman...
They did a movie called Monster. Monster? Oh, yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I had fantasies about her, right? Really? Yeah. Like looking like that? yeah but my fantasy was i i was in the prison cell next to hers look at that one tooth right back to that i was in the prison cell next to her and i dug a little hole so oh so it was like a glory hole yeah glory i stuck my penis in but in one of my fantasy she bit it off yeah so i cut it off with that one tooth just carving that's a face she makes after she bit it whoops yeah yeah you know what you know what's such a mean thought that i got when you just said a glory hole thing i wonder like you've have you ever seen a glory hole live at a truck stop have you ever seen one have you ever seen one i've seen them at the truck stops i've actually seen a glory goal and at first you think this is some teenager did and then you think no this is this happens out here yeah and then i looked at it just in my mind's eye when you just said glory hole yeah and sometimes the thickness of those stall doors is big yeah do you think you do do you think yours would so what you're saying to me like just your little head would poke out what you're saying to me right now is if i did a glory hole you know me in a fucking stall right how big how deep my dick is a lot long so what you're saying it's it's it's not going to reach enough so that she could suck it? Yeah.
But can she stick her tongue in the hole? Yeah, just lick it. Just lick it.
But let me... Yeah.
Fuck you, dude. Imagine how hard you'd push against the hole.
Is my erection good? Have you not seen him fully hard? No, I have seen him. Thank you.
I've seen him just after he was hard. Thank you.
You know, it's like and what did you think it was it's you know what it's i've said this to him before over all the years since when we first met at the comedy store and he put his penis on my arm and all that stuff when i was in the booth which you did penis out on my arm i his jokes about his penis being small it's all good and fun but it's so regular it's not thank you it's not small it's a very normal penis thank you but you're a grower not a shower that's a fact because there's days for sure when it needs to grow because it does that thing in mexico when your penis was out it did that thing where it tucks away you know how it like turtle bays itself it tucks away he's shy and it puts the balls up to its cheek its cheek yeah it does tuck away when you see him around the house what is the time when it's at its smallest i stopped talking about is it first thing in the morning no this is fun all right he's been shy about showing me his penis lately bob i haven't seen it in a while you don't walk around naked honestly it just got out of rehab man I need some time No, it's just like all jonesed out, you know what I mean? He's drooling? Yeah, yeah, yeah He's detoxing, bro You know what I mean? Detox dick On this episode of Detox dick Do you walk around naked? Did you see the Ricky Gervais special I make it a lot Where he talks about So there was a glory Two guys, right? Went to a glory hole, and one guy stuck his penis out,

got his, came in a random man's mouth. When they walked out together,

it was a father and a son.

Okay.

So if you did a glory hole,

right, and you get your dick sucked,

and you walked out, and it was your dad,

right, what would you do?

Would you hug him? Dad! Or would you go,

what the fuck? Would I hug him dad or would you go like what the fuck or would i hug him is that your first dad yeah i don't know it's your dad i wouldn't say a word i would just oh you would also let's both walk out i want to see what you would do okay so i'm walking out right wait wait am i the sucky or sucker i just you you sucked it and you're the I'm the son. Okay.
So I'm zipping, right? Wait, wait. Am I the sucky or sucker? I just, you sucked it.
And you're the dad. I'm the son.
Okay. Right? So I'm zipping up.
Oh, that was the best fucking blowjob I've ever gotten. That was amazing.
He fucking did sack work. He did sack work.
I walk out. Dad! Fuck! I think I would say dad.
What if you gave me a kiss a tongue kiss oh that would be so good that would ruin the family right okay what about this though what if you saw I love these scenarios what if you're at a butt plug convention and they're like try out some, try out some of the newest butt plugs, the newest anal beads. Right.
And they're like, dude, you. Someone comes to you like, dude, you got to see this guy.
He's got 40 fucking beads in his ass and they get bigger as they go. And if you said that to me, I'd be like, where? We got to go.
I got to go. And you're like, they're pulling out now.
It's like a fucking chainsaw. Right.
And there's a dude like pulling out. There's such a big crowd.
We have to get in position. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
To get the view. And everyone's screaming, more, more, more, more, more.
You can't believe it. Right.
And then this guy gets up and it's your father. Oh.
Dad. Dad.
Yeah. Killing it.
No, no. I would be like, you know what I would do? Honest, I would, so I'd be in the front of the crowd, right? I would slowly just move backwards.
The Homer Simpson? Yeah. It would absorb me back, right? And I'd probably walk, that'd be the loneliest parking walk into your car.
Because everyone's gonna come up to you, did you see the anal bead guy? Yeah, yeah. It was amazing.
You know what I would do? I would kick something. Just kick it.
Like a tin can just down the street. One loose anal bead that fell off a rope.
You just kick it down there. Right.
What if you saw your family at a sex convention type of thing? I think I'd feel pride. Yeah? Yeah, my family are freaks.
They're just a bunch of freaks. Freak freaks.
They're freaks. So you were never, as a kid, your family was never shy about any of that stuff.

No.

They were open.

Yeah, my aunties would just openly talk about sex, like pinch each other's nipples, talk

about the men they swindled.

Do her sister?

What did you just say?

About what?

About the men they swindled?

The men they swindled.

About the guys they were swindling?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, have you ever seen a family member hooking up in front of you?

Mm.

Ooh. Is that not traumatic? So I saw a family member cheating on my uncle.
Yeah. And just openly for like weeks at a time.
And she was like, fucking this dude named Jerry. You watched them hook up.
Yeah, I would hear them fucking or whatever. And when my uncle came back from Hong Kong and I was like, Uncle Freddy, do you know that so-and-so is fucking Jerry? And itired he cussed me out he's like what your fucking business what she does yeah what the fuck so i thought i was being you know like a hero he just didn't want to hear it he was just like get the fuck away from that bullshit because i think that it hurt his pride that a little kid was telling him what his wife was doing i was eight oh yeah a little kid a little kid saying that's tough calling it out is tough because then he knows it's real because kids don't fucking lie yeah kids are gonna say the real he's like he was loving it it was fucking he was smashing her to pieces it's like kids just they go all the details they can't not tell you the truth i almost witnessed my parents fuck i was so i would sneak out of my room.
I just like shook. I have goosebumps.
Wait, but don't you guys like the idea? Can I tell my story? Yeah, but I like the idea of my parents being like dumb and full of cum. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fuck machines? Yeah. Yeah.
What, you don't? My parents look like mythological creatures. It's like Yoda and fucking Gollum fucking yeah so I would sneak out of my room and watch like late night I would hope to like watch the Tonight Show or Letterman to see if there were stand-ups on yeah in high school right so one night I was 16 maybe and I was watching and I could hear my parents walk down the hallway right right? So I turned the TV off, and I jumped behind the couch.
Then my parents put in a Korean video, like a VHS tape, right, of some weird, like, Korean porn. It was all fuzzy and stuff.
And they were like, oh, good. My dad was, I didn't do it.
You know what I mean? And I'm behind the couch like, I have to say something. I cannot wait.
You know what I mean? And so I go, I'm sorry. I go, I'm sorry.
I was watching stand-up. And my dad got so fucking mad, man.
Did he have a boner? No, he beat me. With a boner? Yes.
Imagine your dad hard as fuck just beating the shit out of you. But I had to

I couldn't do it. I've only heard it once.

Your parents fucking? Yeah and it fucked me.

I hated it. I was gonna go down.
I got up late

and I was gonna go downstairs to go get something

to drink. And as I walked past the

door it was traumatizing.

What'd you hear? You know what the worst part was?

What? I heard him not her.

What'd you hear? Like I couldn't hear my mom. That's

the worst. When you can hear the dude

over the girl

women are

I'm not saying women

her face is buried

in a pillow dude

well she's probably

no but it's so fucked up

to hear

to hear your parents

hooking up

because

I just

you want to hear a woman

when you hear someone

hooking up

you want to hear a girl

you want to hear

yeah yeah

you don't want to hear

someone go

huh

even your mama

no it doesn't matter

I'm just saying

the idea of sex

I don't want to hear it at all

but the idea of sex

in your mind is like the woman should be the one i hear so what did your dad hear what you hear it was that it was like yeah oh and i was like oh no traumatizing i just went downstairs and i ate everything in the fucking cabinet i just keep eating was like, what is it over? You know what?

I was thinking about why do we always talk about poo, sex, glory holes?

You know what I mean?

Tell me something else to talk about.

Ooh.

Do you want to hear what new role play is going on at home?

Yes.

So our new role play is that I'm a gold star lesbian and he's a gold star gay guy.

What's gold star?

Like we've never been with the opposite sex. Right.
And we, but we're not getting laid. I don't know what you're doing.
Cut his mic off. We're both in college, but we're not getting laid, but we're best friends.
So we're having really just like. It's in the conversation.
Let her do it. So he's a gay guy.
I'm a gold star lesbian, but we're having really just like in the conversation let her do it so he's a gay guy I'm a gold star lesbian but we're best friends we're not getting laid lately and we're just in the dorm room we're just like I guess we'll have sex so we're having very disinterested no passion sex and you're like I guess I gotta do this it's gonna disgust me well he's a lesbian Right. Yeah, yeah.
Why did I think about it the other way? Why? Why did I think you were a gay guy? Yes, I know. I can't believe I even jumped to the other conclusion.
Yeah, and I've never had anything like, aside from fingers. You're the lesbian, right? Yeah.
That's not the lesbian voice. That's my character choice.
I've never had anything but fingers. I'm tired of other actors.
You know what I'm telling me how to choose my fucking characters.

Some of your choices

aren't good.

All right,

but the fucking director said.

Let me hear your gay guy voice.

Ew, pussy.

Yeah, yeah.

Which is,

that's the only thing

I've ever heard those guys say.

You know,

Kalilah,

I just don't talk to people.

Here's the thing,

okay?

You and I,

we share so much to people.

Have you heard about Brandon?

What? What is Brandon? Virgin Brandon. Is that your little character, Virgin Brandon? Yeah, he's Virgin Brandon Is Brandon in there? Sit down Get up to the microphone, is Brandon in there? Where's little Brandon? DoorDash! You know Andrew, I travel a lot And whenever I go on the road, I only use DoorDash Because they have the most, the best restaurants Always're quickest.
Always. And they're the best behaved.
Dude, they got everything you want in 30 minutes. Yeah.
Okay? Yeah. Dinner, dinner, check.
Half hour. Dinner, check.
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I'm here. What are you doing, Brandon? I'm scared.
What are you scared of, buddy? I don't know. I don't know where my parents are.
Oh, are you lost? Yeah. Who's that woman? That woman right there? Yeah.
She makes me suck on her breasts. She does? Yeah.
It makes my pee-pee feel funny. You don't like it, do you, Brandon? I like it.
You do? Yeah, and then it cries. Oh, your pee pee cries? But you don't cry, do you? I cry because I'm so happy.
Yeah, Bran. So anyway, where is she? She's right there.
Yeah, but what we do is this. We do not do that kind of...
No, no, no. No, no, no.
No, no, no. Let's fuck out.
You're notage You're not underage This is Come on This is Brandon Talking to Andrew It's not what He would react When he's with you I'm appalled Virgin Brandon Is a 29 year old Incel Who's so thankful For the fact That I'm writing him Backwards Oh that's Brandon That's Brandon I was playing Timmy Sorry You were playing Tim that's Brandon. That's Brandon.
I was playing Timmy, sorry.

You were playing me.

I was playing Timmy.

That was Brandon.

That's Brandon.

You played Brandon.

That's who you're talking about.

Yeah, version Brandon is someone else.

Reverse cowgirl, so no not looking at each other?

No, no, no.

I don't want to see, yeah.

You don't want to see Brandon.

But you know when she goes off,

whenever I'm like,

I've never done this before, right?

And she's like, yeah, well, just lay there. Let me do all the work.
And when it enters, right, my character acts as a Jesus himself. It feels so good.
He just keeps saying thank you. Thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
And she comes so fast. She comes so fast.
You don't say that. what do you say to him you don't say shit huh you're not saying anything a little brandon shut the fuck up little brandon yeah see he likes it i do yeah but um who do you think of the bad friends family has the weirdest uh the most uh surprising sex stuff no pete pete pete is just a is just a good-hearted bear.

See, that's why I think he's a fucking freak because of that.

Hey, dude, do you power fuck or what?

Sometimes, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

See, dude.

What about Fancy?

You think it's vanilla?

Is Fancy vanilla?

Here's what I think about Fancy. Have you you guys ever seen you know the porn star small hands yeah yeah there's this one thing there's one move he does that absolutely drives me wild and I swear to God when I look at Andres I'm like this is what he does yeah he tears he doesn't tear he doesn't ever take the panties off right he rips the pussy part of the panty and he creates a whole bathroom.
This is the wrong day to bring my status here. They're all in college.
They're doing all this fucked up shit. He rips it so he's a ripper.
He's a ripper. He has never taken a panty off in his life.
He rips it. He doesn't know how.
But he rips it carefully because he's going to sew it back up because he wants to save the underwear. Right? He does it carefully, right? So then later, after she's naked, after he comes, right? Yeah.
He's just in the corner of the room just sewing it back up. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. Don't move.
It's a very expensive, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Victoria's Secret.
Yeah, that's who you are. Victoria's Secret.
Yeah. Speaking of Victoria's Secret, I don't know if we should talk about it because we might.
No, no.

I already know what you're saying.

We can't talk about it.

But let's try.

No, I'll tell you why we can't talk about it. Because we can try.

I know.

Let me prove to our audience that we're not just sex and poo and gross stuff.

We can talk about something adult and not be mean or fucked up.

All right.

But can I just say this, right?

We will talk about it.

But before we talk about it, when I first saw the first photo I saw, how did you feel? Maybe we shouldn't talk about it. I don't know.
I need you to talk about it. I am in the dark about this.
I don't know what's happening. Can you just try? Let's say it so we all know.
Victoria's Secret hired their first Down Syndrome underwear model okay okay so uh get to get the first picture pete fucking pete yeah the second one zoom that out or i mean make it big so we can all look at it okay i'm okay i'm being honest and i'm not being mean i'm just saying the first thought was amazing tits i mean i holy shit does she have amazing perfect tits beats nodding and then the second thought was amazing tits. I mean, I have a holy shit.
Does she have amazing? Perfect tits beats nodding. And then the second thought was, so I think she's fucking beautiful.
But the weird thing is they make you feel weird because they put it out. They don't make you feel weird.
No, no, no. I'm saying the headline, the articles, the articles are like a down syndrome underwear model shows all.
And you're like, you're onto something. They're baiting you.
They are baiting you. If they were to just put it out there ask this girl without announcing it yeah that's the way to do it if i saw that right i would be like oh yes i'd be like oh she's hot she's hot yeah but they're doing this bait thing where they go that's wrong oh you liked her yeah oh she has down syndrome how do you feel now and you're like well i did that wasn't i you now you make me feel like bad about even thinking about it and that's fucked up and also can i say this if i saw that i'm like oh wow beautiful you know i jerk off to it right i come right sure and then later i read you know i mean she has down syndrome i'm not gonna put the come back into my penis also i wouldn't feel bad about it why would i i don't understand so i know why they're They're saying, hey, this is the first time it's happened.
This should have happened before inclusion. Great, great.
But also... This is a tough thing to talk about, man.
I don't know why you would bring this up. When I saw it today...
Because it's interesting as fuck. Yeah.
Can we talk about Camilla? What? Camilla... The Russian skater.
Who she fucking got caught cheating and then she fell every time and then she fell on all her routines yeah don't you think they made her fall I couldn't stop thinking about that she fell on every and you know what what's his name said what Johnny Weir goes that's the worst I've ever seen her skate in her career didn't she land like five quads just before that yes so why would she fall so much because she's 15 no no bobby because she was in she was so fucked up in her head about what had happened to her that's what i'm saying she's 15 the pressures it's not pressure it's first of all she feels terrible that that it's that it's over i think she's like this is over i'm fucked no she just let's just hear me out okay don't get angry okay all right not gonna not gonna she's 15 years old right she's skating for the roc right the reason why they're called the roc is why because they cheated they cheated before right in sochi or whatever right so now she has a drug test that says positive right the olympics in itself is pressure because she's like one of the best ones she's expected to get gold she's She's the best. She's the best, right? And then she's like that little Ching Chong that won for us.
Nathan Chen. Nathan Ching Chong Chen? That was his middle name.
That's his big nickname, by the way. Yeah.
Ching Chong. I think you're in love with him.
What? You do love him. I love him so much.
Bring up a picture of this beautiful man. Nathan Chen is so fucking talented.
Is his middle name Ching Chong for real? Yeah, well, that's my nickname for real. This guy is...
This guy is the shit. Oh my God.
I just made you cum. That's what he's doing.
You just came. Look at your penis.
Look at how big your penis is now. This dude right here is fucking a prodigy.
He's the man. He is the man.
But he's a boy, right? How old is this guy? He's a boy. What the fuck? How old is he? He's 20? That's so funny.
They're so young, but they're so unbelievably talented. What did you do? I thought you were going to do a racial joke.
What? Well, he's Asian, so he looks younger. Oh, so I'm not now.
I mean, you guys all look amazingly young for your age. Thank you.
Not you. Look at him right there.
God, look at that. Oh, look at that.
Why do they take those pictures in? Why do they publish them? Why do we need to see that? He's such a handsome dude. They didn't need to put that one out there.
Yeah. You know, what the fuck are you doing, wire image? You couldn't, this couldn't be one that you tossed? Like during the kill session? Everybody knows when you get photos, there's a kill session.
Why did this go through? What if it's a beginning photographer?

It's his first time, right?

And he's so nervous, right?

And that's the only good one that they got, right?

And they're like, I guess, fuck, man.

He's super talented.

What do you think about Eileen Gu?

Eileen Gu?

Eileen Gu.

She's the girl that rode for China, but she's American.

What do you think about that?

I don't know.

Well, you got to have an opinion. She's born and raised here.
Born and raised in New Island, Green. From the Bay Area.
She's a snowboarder. She's from, look at her, she's gorgeous.
Beautiful. She's a model.
She's so fucking talented. She's beautiful.
She rides for China because her mother is Chinese. Mom is Chinese? Mom is Chinese.
Mom is Chinese, but she's born and raised in America, and she rides for China, and there's a lot of controversy. When you mixian sometimes with white white is great white is right look what it did bless you white is right look what it did white is right look what it did and when you're when you're a purebred like you

not so good

we need a little bit of mixing i think chen is hot this the point i'm making is racial

mixing is fucking great i'm being positive i'm pro-racial mixing so eileen goo snowboarder

Thank you. We need a little bit of mixing.
I think Chen is hot. The point I'm making is racial mixing is fucking great.
I'm being positive. I'm pro-racial mixing.
So Eileen Gu, snowboarder, phenomenal. But she's writing for China, Bob.
But China and her both won't answer her citizenship because you cannot have dual citizenship for China. She'd have to relinquish her American citizenship legally and then become a Chinese resident.
And her quote was pretty political. She said something to the effect of when I'm in China, I'm Chinese.
When I'm in America, I'm an American. But I identify with both nationalities because of my background.
I think. Give it a shot.
You trained in America. You used our our facilities and now you're gonna write for the Chinese it's fucked up you can't train here did she get into the American team she probably didn't and she's like I'll go to China you're wrong she's the best she can get in anything better than Choi the Korean girl different event event.
This is skiing. This is snowboarding.
No, no, no.

I mean, she's skiing. Chloe Kim is

the snowboarder. Right.
But

who got her into skiing?

Her immigrant Chinese mom. Her immigrant

Chinese mom who

moved to America

to give her a good life.

Yeah. And they grew up in the Bay Area.

And then she trained in, I think it was in Tahoe. Tahoe.
And then, guess what? What? You're American. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can't do ride for a child. I just think it's not right.
I think that's not fair. Because then you can say that about fucking, I can say, identify if I spent every summer in Ireland with my grandfather and be like, oh, I'm Irish.
It's like, well. Well, honestly, I have fantasies about, I really have fantasies about this.
About Eileen Gu? No, about me being an athlete in the Olympics. What would you play? Oh, no.
High jump. High jump? Yeah.
Can you imagine? Watching you in a long distance race. I bet you money that I could high jump with the pole better than you can.
My bank account. My literal bank account.
How much? All of it. All of it.
Literally all of it. $100.
No, let's make it. I don't want to get homeless from it.
All right. $100.
$100. Find a facility.
Fancy. Yeah, yeah.
I'm dead fucking serious. With the same pole, same height.
I would go higher. Well, no, you would need a shorter pole for sure.
No, no, no. I could use the same pole.
And that's rude. Do you think, look, me holding the pole, you holding the pole i get a telephone pole yeah find a facility not now but i have a fantasy of being a high jumper right and i trained in america and then korea is like we don't have anybody to do that right and you're the guy and me going on the phone what the fuck you say speak english dude or whatever you know i mean being an asshole yeah and then i'd be like i will fuck you say? Speak English, dude.
Or whatever. You know what I mean? Being an asshole.

And then I'd be like,

I will join you.

I think I would fucking

high jump for Korea.

You would.

Yeah.

I love being who I am.

And I love the Korean.

You're a San Diego boy.

You're a little San Diego bitch boy.

You're Brandon.

You're a little Brandon.

Me?

There he is.

I'm scared.

You are scared. Who's that going? Over there.
Keep going. What is your character name when he's Brandon? Do you have one? I think I'm like adult Susan or something like that.
Susan. Or no, it's always the last name.
Like Mrs. Gibson.
Oh, Miss Gibson. No, Mrs.
Oh, she's married. Mrs.
I'm married. And what about Mr.
Gibson? What's he up to? He's watching. Oh, yeah.
Don't stop now. What do we think fantasy is? Because he won't tell us.
Honey, I'm... He would say...
Was he Korean? No, I... Can I even...
It says honey. Honey, I'm a home.
You said that like that. Honey, I'm homer.
That's him. Okay.
Honey, I'm homer.

Yeah.

Right?

And she's like, what'd she say?

I don't even know what his wife sounds.

Oh, she's beautiful, by the way.

She's gorgeous.

She sounds like this.

First of all, can I say something?

When I saw his wife, I swear to God, I did not believe it.

Yeah.

I did not.

It was like. What do you think it is with fancy that she likes so much it's not those shirts it's definitely the shirts you think it is yeah by the way fancy translucent skin we don't say translucent oh so sorry my bad and the thing about fancy is that he brought his students to the show today yeah Yeah.
And they used to, seriously, respect him. Right.
He's their fucking teacher. And now he brought- Wait, wait, can we bring one student to stand here? I need to ask them a question.
Anyone volunteer who's the leader of the group? Oh, what a cutie. We got a cutie here.
Do you know what this guy's name is? Well, you got to get him on camera. Yeah, you got to get him on camera.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
Yeah. Just stand right here in the middle of the room.
Stand in the middle. Look at this cutie.
Don't get too close. Kneel down.
Kneel down. Kneel down.
Kneel down so they can see you. There we go.
Thank you. This is funny.
Yeah, yeah. Do you know what this kid's name is? Let me guess.
Look at me. Francisco.
No. You won't believe.
don't no no let me just give it yeah it's me

andrew no what think his name is santino that's his first name santino yeah yeah so let me ask you something my friend right do you go to like devry oh my god or no just let me ask you that do you go what school let me ask you what class are you taking is it like for like what is he teaching

fancy

what is he teaching

no

fucking

killing him What class are you taking? Is it like for like What is he teaching? Fancy What is he teaching? No Fucking Him Fucking fancy Santino Hey He's this kid This is my brethren I'm so sorry You're a kid I'm so sorry He's teaching us about like LA life Film industry Like the stuff that he knows Okay He knows about that Let me tell you something Yeah According to these young students yeah he is the best they are in love with this guy is yell out loud is fancy the best can you see this these kids respect this man they love him they think he's got the answer you know what the funniest part is bob he works for us we can fire him yeah at any moment and they would lose all this respect for him yeah he's not he doesn't even work for us he's our slave slave he's our little slave he's our little slave let me say something about santino can i look at it beautiful eyes look at those beady little eyes he is a pretty boy look at me right now santino look at that look at him look at the fresh skin stare at him Santino It don't break it look at my skin My I'm a bro. I'm your elder.
I'm 50. I'm Asian to respect me, dude.
Look at me right now You have soft angelic skin And there's a really nice, you know Are you a virgin? Don't be creepy Let me ask you something Kalilah, perfect Don't be creepy let me ask you something kalilah perfect i want

to say something about i want to say something about let me say something about your teacher

okay whatever i do from now on right whatever project i do i want him involved in everything

that i do that's how much i respect him he really is um just one in a million and um

Thank you. I want him involved in everything that I do.
That's how much I respect him. He really is just a one in a million.
And yeah, man, he's a good dude. So congratulations.
Let me tell you what I feel about him. The moment, and I mean this, the moment this show is over, Bob and I quit the show.
I will never, underline never,

speak to that piece of shit ever.

I'll block his fucking number.

He'll see me in the street.

Hey, Andrew.

I will just look the other fucking way.

I want nothing to do with that pig.

And he's a great director. He's a piece of shit.

He directed a sketch for me, dude, like 10 years ago.

He got like six views on YouTube.

So, wow.

He's phenomenal.

All right, you can go back and sit with him.

Thank you, Santino.

You're the man.

He's a good dude, right?

He's a cutie.

I like him.

He's a cutie patootie.

When I say cutie, it's not a, you know what I mean?

I just think that he's got a good energy.

That's all.

Yeah, but it does have...

Yeah, it's a little...

How old is he?

Santino, how old are you?

19.

Yeah, it's a little weird.

Sorry about that.

Pete brought us something.

Pete, I'll try it out with Bob to see what he says.

Pete brought us a can.

You know Pete likes games.

Pete wants us to do games.

What is it?

It's a what-if game? All right, so this is for Kalilah and Bobby together let's see what if you had to dress each other for the insurrection what would we do for each other what's your insurrection outfit what would you do for me how would you dress me up for the insurrection you you have to dress me I have to dress Kalilah so what I would do... You have to dress me.
I have to dress Kalilah. Right.
So what I would do is put eyeliner. Oh.
Yeah, yeah. So I want you to have like a Robert Smith Cure vibe.
Sick. Right? Yeah.
Black Cure wig. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. And then I would want like...
What's that movie with Angelina Jolie? Magnificent? Maleficent. Maleficent.
Yeah. That black leathery with the...
You know what I mean mean you're going to look like venom oh that's so sick like a slick black leathery thing eyeliner and then your speakers guess what it's playing dashboard confessional emo you're going to emo but you have belt right and you've got like um you're gonna really things up i've got guns you got guns explosives you're giving me everything and then you break in and then you go to nancy pelosi's office what do i do in there right and what you do is you you you you kick the desk yeah you go you you man fuck you you know pants you just yell pants and he pops up yes sir yeah what would i dress like uh i would put you in one of those i would try to dress you in every single racist stereotype that i could find i want you wearing a rice paddy hat i want you wearing a karate outfit i want you wearing what that's what they like and so what i want you wearing a teenage mutant turtle yeah uh i'm dressed like and you have size a thousand different asian rafael yeah you're all right and you have size obviously you have those shoes that divide, the feet divide. Yeah.
But you have socks and the little wooden bottoms. Are my feet binded? They're bound.
Bound, right? Your feet are bound. I probably have an accent.
A hundred percent. And it sounds.
So I'm probably going, where are Mitch McConnell? Bigger. Oh, bigger.
Even bigger. Yeah.
Where is Mitch McConnell? Perfect. Right.
Yeah. And that's how I want you to be.
Yeah you to be Yeah yeah Because they would love that They would get a kick out of this guy Yeah Look at Wang over here That's what they would say I'm dressing you for those guys It's so funny Would they not light him on fire first 100% That's why I'm doing it I'm just sending him in as bait Yeah How would we dress Kalilah for it You know what would would be better? If you dressed me like Elaine Chao

Mitch McConnell's wife

Very smart

So I'm coming in right?

Excuse me I woke up here

Can I see her by the way?

She might look like you

So I'm dressed as Elaine Chao

This is Mitch McConnell's wife

There we go

Can I be 100% serious?

Your hair looks exactly like that right now Thank you. Right? This is Mitch McConnell's wife.
There we go. Can I be 100% serious?

Your hair looks exactly like that right now.

Exactly.

You don't have to do much.

No, seriously.

That's you.

I shave my mustache.

Hello, excuse me.

I go to my office.

Right?

I'll do the walk.

She walks like that.

I don't know nothing.

Insane.

With your kitten heels?

Yeah, with your kitten heels.

Click, click, click, click.

And then what I would do is I would just put down a briefcase, open it up, and the whole thing went. Yeah.
You'll do it. Dress Kalilah.
Dress Kalilah for the insurrection, by the way. Oh, God.
Too deep. It's so deep.
What if Bobby had a six-pack? I would never fuck him again. You would never fuck him again you would never fuck him again if I suck in my stomach you can see the packs let me see the outlines of where the packs used to be they're there it's just under a lot of fat you know when you take a beer out of a six pack and it's still the ring don't suck in do you see any but let it go right now yeah I mean I know but suck as hard as you can now one two three suck now jump up and down it's not jiggling too much now put let it out wait no no babe did you see any packs I saw a suggestion of one I saw like a suggestion.
I saw like an apparition. I saw a ghost of an ab.
I used to be here. A ghostly ab that used to be there.
Here's what I think. I want to apologize to the kids.
Kids, this podcast was supposed to be i just got out of rehab sunday right it was going to be me you know talk about like you know how we feel and this and that and because these kids are here right i felt like we had to do this i just want to apologize no you know i mean don't they loved it did you guys like it is camera on those kids? All right. So I want you guys to sign us off and say thank you for being a bad friend on the count of three all together.
Okay? One, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend.
That's great. Thank you.
Woo. Woo.
Yeah. Woo.
Yeah. Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.