Getting Wet With Chris Distefano

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And Bob's going to come back very soon. Uh, and he's feeling good and he's doing good.
And I'm out by a lake. Look at this lake, dude.
Uh, but, uh, just want to give you guys an update. Um, he's, uh, working out some stuff, but Bobby's doing good and he sends his love and he misses all of his bad friends and he will be back soon.
And thank you for supporting us in the meantime. Also, I'm out in upstate New York because I'm on the road.
Come see me, andrewsantino.com for those tickets, andrewsantino.com. This weekend I'm in Seattle and Portland and then I do Vegas and then we get into Canada.
They're going to let us back in. So go to andrewsantino.com.
Come see me this weekend, Seattle and Portland, andrewsantino.com.

Thank you guys for being a bad friend.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

T-Pain has a podcast now.

Yeah, I know.

I saw.

It's actually super popular, isn't it? Should we try to get on it?

Okay.

Yeah, of course.

I would love to.

I would love to go on T-Pain's pod.

What's it called?

What's T-Pain's podcast called?

Nappy Boy Radio.

Are you being serious?

Yeah.

Okay.

I thought that you'd throw out there.

No.

I was like, yeah, we're on the podcast, kid.

We're not at the diner.

Nappy Boy Radio with T-Pain. But his record company is called Nappy Boy Records.
No, because I thought if you were just throwing that one out there. No, what's that guy? That old guy? Don Imus? Don Imus, yeah.
He was like, a bunch of nappy-headed holes. That guy was nuts.
You guys remember that? Let's not go quoting things that got people canceled here yes well you can quote what he said he's dead now he's dead now r.i.p dude what a guy he died from that from saying that yeah yeah you can't say that shock jock of nappy headed hose fame yes you know i can't say it it's the news article name that's how you're known as the nappy headed hose guy. Not until he started making merch and happy headed hose.
Just shirts. Can, so you go, I can't say it.
It's the news article name. That's how you're known as the nappy-headed hose guy.
Not until you started making merch, nappy-headed hose. Just shirts.
Can I tell you something? Today, he would sell a ton of it. Oh, my God.
A ton of nappy. Yeah.
Daily Wire would start slinging it. Ben Shapiro.
And the reason that we wear the nappy-headed hose sweater is because obviously it's promoting what we believe in. It's a joke, and it's a joke, and the Democrats are going to get it because they don't believe in jokes.
All that dude does is talk as fast as he can. It's so funny.
I don't believe in anything he's saying. He just keeps rattling it off.
Well, he says opposite points all the time, too. But he just says it so quick.
You're like, fuck. What's wrong with the white supremacist? What have they ever done that's defended you at all? And of course, of course, I'm Jewish.
And I'm Jewish. And I'm Jewish.
And that's how I feel. And that's how I believe.
And that's kind of, I just think free speech is fine. But, but, but, but, but, but, you know, unless it's against my people.
I was born a biological male. He always says that.
I was a biological male. I'm born a biological male, so therefore I'm a male.
I couldn't be anything else other than a male. Even if I change my gender, it's not going to matter.
Kyle Dunnigan's Ben Shapiro. I don't know if you've spoken about on the show.
I mean, he's so good. Literally, it's, the fact that a guy like a kyle dunnigan is not um i mean he's very famous but not like he's not the face of let's say the iconic snl sketch like that is the most that's a will ferrell talent yeah that's not on the show dunnigan's dunnigan's he's what the show is and he's not on it well he's doing it himself it's me jericho Biden.
I hear you're a very talented Trans Am. Okay, I'm confused.
You called the Ben Shapiro show. I'm Ben Shapiro.
I don't know who Ben Afferr Schrimpo is. Also, I'm not a Trans Am.
That's a car. I'm a human man.
Darn right you're a man. Who cares what you were born with? And congratulations, I just signed a Mexican order.
Not a sexed and border. You can play hockey with the girls now.

Okay, I'm sick of explaining this to everyone.

I am fully biologically male.

I was born with one set of reproductive organs, and they are fully male.

Now on to your point about hockey.

Not interested.

Look, look, look.

I need your vote.

I got a big erection coming up against a bad dude.

Donald Duck.

He's got no pants, man.

Orange legs.

If you're referring to the election we just had that you won, you won that. And to be clear, it was not against a cartoon duck.
Hey, come on. Give me a chance.
America needs to heal. That's why we're here.
Because blank people are just as fat as white girls. Same as trans-jengas.
That makes absolutely no sense. Trans-jengas.
Dunning is unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Do you know him personally? Like have him on the pod and stuff or whatever? No, he hasn't, but he's never came on my show. But I know, I mean, he's great.
I know him. I love him.
He's so funny, man. Yeah, I love him.
He's a great guy. I've never met him.
You know who I don't love? Chris? Fancy B. Oh.
Hey. Fancy B.
Scumbag. Fancy B is sitting in Rudy's chair.
I know. We're shooting early in the morning.
And our good friend Chris Estefano is back. I feel like we just jumped right through all the hoops.
But we're fine. And we've got everybody in the studio.
And Fancy's sitting in Rudy's chair. And he's far away from the mic, just like she does.
Yeah. Fancy's there.
We said on a previous episode that Fancy was sex trafficking geriatric people. Yeah, we said you were gone on the other episode because that's what you were up to.
I thought it was a secret. We were just kidding around.
The way he said it. Did you know that? We said you got extradited to Spain, but now you're back.
I'm back. I'm back.
How are you feeling, Fance? I'm good. I feel a little strange here.
In that chair? You don't like that chair? No, I like it. It's an expensive chair.
It's a very expensive chair.

Yeah.

You better like it.

That cost me-

West Elm?

Where'd you guys go?

East Elm.

Ooh.

Far East Elm.

Far East Elm.

Yeah, that chair's from right outside of Wuhan.

There's a factory outside of Wuhan that makes good chairs.

You ever been over there?

East Elm?

Yeah.

Wuhan?

East Elm.

Have I ever been to Wuhan?

No.

No, I haven't.

It's been to you.

No, I've never gotten it.

You have had COVID. There's no doubt.
No, we said this last time. You brought it to my friends.
Yeah, you brought it to me. Well, I didn't.
Donnie Tsunami, who's sitting in the back, did. Yeah, that's true.
What's the main attraction in Wuhan? Other than the labs? You know what's funny? Oh, the yellow crane tower. That actually looks awesome.
Would you go to Wuhan with you go to yellow crane tower would you go with me change the color yes yellow i'd go to i'd go to wuhan now i bet it's as safe as ever 100 what's that lake called they got there dong lake click on the first photo

of dong lake dong lake wow nice pretty that is look at that nice dong nice dong lake it's got a

big dong um you can't even go to china right now papa i can i don't think we can i can

Thank you. Look how pretty that is.
Look at that. Nice dong.
Nice dong lake. It's got a big dong.
You can't even go to China right now, Papa. I can.
I don't think we can. I can.
Why? I know a couple guys. You can get into China? 100%.
I go down to the port of Long Beach. I sneak inside one of those crates.
I'm in China a day. Do you? Yeah, probably.
Yeah. Your merch is sitting on that crate.
I know Longshoremen. Yeah, my merch comes from China.
I just backtracked where my merch came from. You know, people were doing a lot of comedy shows in China before the Weezer hit.
And now it's- No, people doing stand-up in China? Big time, yeah. Because there was a lot of Americans there, expats that live there, English-speaking people that live there.
So you could go out. There was a guy who ran a comedy show there.
You could go- An American comic? My friend Jared Free did it. He said it was awesome.
I know him. Yeah, Jared Free did it.
He said it was awesome. What? But now it was awesome what but now yeah now it's locked down baby wow can't go I bet you Fancy doesn't know what expats mean do you know what it is yes what is it it means people who are in China who are from America nope nope expats are just they're not they're all over the world expats is a is someone who is a resident they moved out of the country but they're still patriot expats ex-patriots are you a patriot i will be soon when is the citizenship test coming i they said any any time between three months and 12 months you know so he's taking a citizenship test and have you done questions yet on the show oh yeah 100 okay yeah and you know what he failed almost all know what? He failed almost all of them.
All of them. You know who else did? Me and Bobby.
I didn't get one right. Can I just see if you – because I just want to see – I'll look at you.
Because you're a history guy. I'm a history guy, but I want to see if even I can – if I'm an American citizen.
Just read me one. I won't look at the answer.
Or maybe I can. No, don't.
Look at me. Don't cheat.
How about this? Well, what is an amendment? What is an amendment? amendment is a is a ratification to the constitution that's a change or an addition so change or an addition i'll give you 50 50 on i said okay i tried to be smarter it's just a change what do we call the first 10 uh amendments to the constitution the bill of rights oh he's on fire how many how many amendments does the constitution have yeah that you don't know hold on hold on hold on 27 27 wow wow what are the two rights in the in the declaration of independence the two rights uh freedom of speech nope oh two rights wait what are two rights two of the three rights of the declaration of independence um um um um two rights um right to have slaves they definitely had to erase that everyone's like well i guess that's gone. No, they're like, no, no, no, no.
Keep it. Yeah, keep it.
Oh, two rights. Slavery was on a post-it note.
Freedom of the press? Nope. Ooh.
Don't covet your neighbor's wife? That's in there. If you're going to covet it, covet it all.
I actually don't know. What are they? Life, puberty, and the pursuit of happiness ah got it got it okay i didn't realize that's the triple right all right one more one more and then one more one more and that's it what stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful um uh checks and balances it's so funny because the fans think that you're an idiot but you're not yeah how about this one name one name one right only for United States citizens.
Name one person on the right. Chris DiStefano.
Wait, what was it? Name one right for only U.S. citizens.
Name one right for only U.S. citizens.
There's two of them. Yeah, what are the one? If you're born in the United States, you're a legal citizen.
Voting. You got a passport.
Voting. Voting.
And what's the other one? You can. You can.
If you're born here, you can. Run for president.
Run for federal office. Run for federal office.
I think someone's going to get their citizenship. Wow.
Fancy's going to get it. So you're going to have dual citizenship fans? Yeah.
What passport are you going to put above the other one? You're going to put Spain on top of the United States? Depending on which country I am. Whose side do you take in the fair weather fan? In the España fight, you in catalonia or the other ones the other ones you're not catalonia no it's catalonia without he's a fancy fancy b texas you know i was gonna say is catalonia like the alt-right of spain no it's not but they are the separatists they want to be separate right texas still to this day wants to they every year they try to remove themselves from the united states and every year it gets shot down it doesn't make the news but it's like a it's like a thing to like every year they say we want to be separate and every year we're like you can't stupid but why let them go i think i think let them live yeah i want them live they want to be their own independent country i think if texas was its own in the country it'd be like the 10th largest economy in the world california the third largest economy in the world.
In the world. In the world.
We're the third. China's one, right? Type in California as what? We're the sixth? I thought it was the third in the world.
Fifth. There it is.
Oh, it did say fifth. Oh.
That's disgusting. Look at that.
Three trillion bucks, baby. Yeah.
Most half of it's mine. The fifth largest economy ahead of the United Kingdom and just behind Germany.
Wait a minute. So California is bigger than the United Kingdom.
GDP. Yeah, GDP.
Wow. But also, look at the landmass size.
We're probably four United Kingdoms. Seriously.
It's the size of a Spain, California. Yeah, if you curled it over.
If you curled San Francisco into San Diego and made it a round ball, we'd be bigger than, just as big

as Spain. Bigger than España.
Yeah.

But we've done less damage to the world than those scumbags

have. No, but Spain was big pieces

of shit, you know, in their time.

Still. The Invincible Armada, they were

big pieces. They were, every, the

thing is, every country has had its day.

Yeah, the Inquisition, the Spanish Inquisition.

So, scumbags. I like that because we got rid of the jews i'm just kidding i was just kidding um we know we know fancy no but but see um i wrote this article for the guardian say or chris de stefano says inquisition wasn't that bad was it that bad? That's the point we're at.
We're questioning stuff like that. I mean, was it that bad? What's the big issue, really? So what? Holocaust.
What's the cost? Was it that bad? You write an article, Holocaust, C-O-S-T, question mark? H-A-L-L-A-H. Holocaust.
Holocaust? What was it? I mean, look, you guys were scumbags. They were scum.
Every country, every... The thing is America right now, yes, I understand people say declining empire and America's so bad.
We're just having our moment. But then the next country comes up and they'll do the same thing.
England, England was historically the worst country of all time. I mean, they killed fucking everybody.
Just a little tiny baby island. Just killed everybody.
They were a little COVID ball that was killing everybody. And, you know, they just were cute doing it.
That's the key. You're cute doing it.
They had nice little red coats. Well, they're tiny men.
England are tiny men. They're tiny men and so they feel less threatening.
Sorry, you know, because they can do that and get away with it. Did you? Oh, slavery.
Yeah, we did it, but you know, my bad. Sorry.
Unfortunately for you, you have to lose your head. It's nuts.
Oh, oopsie. Oh, whoopsie doodle.
My bad. Oh, sorry.
Is it your sister I'm having my way with? All right. Yeah.
I had to disembowel her.

It's bollocks.

I know.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

The problem is love.

You're not white.

It's not your fault.

You've got too much pigmentation.

Yeah.

Off you.

Off with your head.

But yeah.

But so.

Headings would have been tight to see though.

Oh my God,

dude. Well,

here's the thing is,

is,

you know,

nobody popped off in medieval times. You know what I mean was no there was no twitter no tiktok there was nobody think how good tiktok would be a medieval oh my god it would just be whatever the state wants you know like you just do you cannot i mean the the level of freedom that we have here i mean literally let i guarantee you if i said if i was president was President Biden, said we're going to behead a TikToker, nobody would ever do anything again.
It would just be done. We have too much freedom.
There's no penalty for anything. Yeah, and if there is, it's a wag of the finger.
There's more of a penalty for saying something racist online now than doing something actually bad. Yeah, baby.
Did you see that guy throw a milkshake at that girl, that young girl at the, what was that? It was like at a Jamba Juice or something. Just do Andrew Santino hit someone with smoothie.
Look, she fucked up my fucking smoothie. Yeah.
Yeah. Uh-oh, Jasmine's calling me.
Oh, no. Should we pick it up? Yeah, answer.
Oh. She sent me a COVID test.
Is that negative or positive? Here we go. I don't know.
I can't tell. Wait, hold on.
Is this one negative or positive? Wait, let me see. Is that negative or positive? It's like a't know i can't tell wait hold on is this one negative wait let me see is that negative she's positive no not her i think it's my kid because that little line to see the blurry line if it's blurry it's positive so who's got cove two lines positive one line negative yeah that's that's positive oh baby wait a minute who does i don't know maybe one of my kids lilas i hope not let me call her let's call

and find out who's got who's got covid welcome back to who's got covid yeah who is it i'll see hold on this is good you never get it but you're around it i'm always around it that's it well maybe he just can't read the tests yeah yeah i know it's he's like two lines two lines means good Two red lines.

Hey.

Hey. He's like, two lines.
Two lines means good.

Two red lines.

Hey, whose test is that?

So is that positive?

But how?

They just yelled out positive in the doctor the doctor's office positive my god um well here let me go uh but she's okay though right she feels fine what did the doctor say what did the doctor say right all right you know what so but what are you guys gonna do now yeah no i'm i'm the podcast so i was just stopped down for a second but i saw that i was like i want to make sure everything is okay so let me so let me i'm dramatic you just send me a positive i didn't know what it was i know if it's a pregnancy test a covid test i think that i've been reading our test wrong. I think I've had it multiple times.
You should have. If you would have told me that was a pregnancy test, I would have been like, I guess we're having another one.
As a matter of fact, the fact that one of my kids does have COVID now is I would demand a paternity test at this point because I don't believe any of my children can get COVID. Check the blood.
You think I have COVID right now? I do feel achy. Oh, great.
I look COVID-y? Sorry, Andrew. Andrew's like, not again.
All right, let me go. I'll call you in about 45 minutes.
All right, bye. Well, that's good.
But it's fine, you know? Now I'm nervous. Now I'm like, kids should wear masks! Well, she's going to be okay.
No, she's been all right. She had a fever last week, but we kept giving her COVID tests, but they were negative.
But I do think now that in hindsight, maybe I have been reading them wrong the whole time. Because I was like positive.
I would see positive, a big plus. I'd be like, that's thumbs up.
You don't have it. They were like, you're positive.
You don't have it. Well, positive means you don't have it.
The plus means you don't have it. Yeah, because if you're positive, it's like you're positive yeah and negative means it's negative it means you have it bad right that's bad yeah stay positive stay positive be negative be negative yeah awesome because yeah because when i looked at that result i was like this is negative right and then she's like that's a positive that line is so faint that's a faint blue so that means that it's not really that big of it low viral load that's what that means low viral load yeah all right so she's good she's fine this guy's wife works in a hospital she knows she's a she's a doctor epidemiologist it's the same thing epidemiologist is the one you want she's the one that studies the virus right yeah she's what does she say low viral load if it's a light blue line right a thin blue line which is what we fucking support over here a little bit of red sneaking true right over the border as a matter of fact i like that covid test that's what i want my daughter she supports a thin dominant red little bit of blue yeah so you know what that she's a de stefano why do they make the lead they make those lines red and then a little bit of blue yeah they want to let you know who you really are well they want that's what that test is for to find out if you're a dem or a rib Dem.
Yeah, that, and it's also, you know, it's red, white, and blue. She's an American citizen.
God bless. She was born and raised in this goddamn country.
God bless. God bless you.
Yeah, his wife is a beautiful, smart professional. And look at this guy.
I know. It's unbelievable.
Is she from Spain? No. She's Americano.
White? Real American. South Carolina.
She's from South Carolina. Whoa.
South Carolina? Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah but if you marry her you can just get the citizenship right you don't have to get it on your own he is married they are married but aren't you then automatically a citizen no i still have to you still have to apply and do all that stuff but i thought if you married i thought that's why people did that they married foreigners you know like a guy would marry a foreign woman to get the papers isn't a thing? Like you can't get thrown out of the country anymore.
Right. They drive, I know.
You can't. After all that geriatric trafficking that he was doing.
Even that, they couldn't deport you. Well, I'm going to find a way.
No, you get married, but you still, I think you still have to. Yeah, you have to be married for a number of years.
Yeah, a number of years. And you have to apply.
It's not as easy as they make it sound. It's not like, oh, you're in, you're done.

Got it.

But he wants to become a naturalized citizen.

He wants to become one of us.

Okay.

A real one.

A real American. A real one?

I don't think you can do that.

You weren't born here.

Yeah.

You've got to be born into it like a Hasidic Jew.

Let him have it.

I could be like Arnold.

I could be governor.

Yeah, he could be governor now.

That'd be nice if you were governor. I know.
I for you i've always i want i want my governor to have bangs and a cool accent yeah you do have a cool accent i think the spanish accent is very cool and you don't have the lisp how come you don't have the lisp i do have it oh yeah yeah but what when you grow up in hispania do they ever talk about the lisp and how people will say things about it or you just think that that everybody speaks like that right you think everybody everybody else speaks wrong yeah because by the time you realize that you you're the one that sound like an idiot you're like i can't change it now because it's already in your brain what am i supposed to do this is who i am this is who i will be who will be. He doesn't have the S in the front that I'm doing.
He doesn't. This thing he does not have.
Yeah, you don't have the. Because it's usually so clear.
Because you know why. He comes from.
Oh, man. Yeah.
The more money you have, the less S you have. And if you're poor.
Then it's big. Then it's big.
The more broke you are, you're the bigger the S's. Do you, because Spain is like the top, like they're like the big ones.
Like they're like the Britain of the Latino population. Like you look down upon all the other ones, like, ooh, the little roaches, cucurachas.
Get out of here. Cucurachillas.
Cucurachillas. Like you don't want to go near Ecuador No You don't want that Guatemala

No thank you

No thank you

No gracias

Because you're European

So even the type of Spanish you speak

Is that proper

Of course

Like how a British person would be like

Oh permanent proper

That's your Spanish

That's how we sound too

So somebody

Somebody like

You know my girl's family's Puerto Rican

They would be listening to you speak Spanish

And be like

Oh he sounds very proper with his Spanish

Right

He sounds Spanish

Because my

You know kids family's like

Guajajero

You know like they're fucking like

They go

They call a bus a guagua

Guagua

Let's go. is Puerto Rican, they would be listening to you speak Spanish and be like, oh, he sounds very proper with the Spanish.
Because my kid's family is like,

you know, like they're fucking like,

they call a bus a guagua.

A guagua.

And then I didn't know this, but Jasmine, she said, her mom said,

oh, the guagua, whatever. And Jasmine said, hey,

we were like in New York.

She was like, we're around like a lot of tourists.

Like someone's from Spain here, they're going to think you're an idiot.

And she was like, I don't give a shit. I'll do whatever the fuck I want to do.
I'll be me. Her mom is crazy.
I don't give a shit. I'm going to be me, bitch.
She was like, let them talk to me. She goes, I don't even know where Spain be at.
She goes, I don't know David Spain. Do some magic for me, David Spain.
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Yeah, she's like, I don't care. No, but he's our fancy.
He's our fancy. Fancy, baby.
No, I love it. Are you guys ever considered doing an episode in Spain or going to Spain to his hometown? We want to go to Spain and shoot a movie.
Are we going to do it? We're going to try to. We're going to try our very hardest.
We're working on that. I would like to do it.
I think that's the move now, right? We might as well just try to shoot the movies ourselves. I think that's the move.
Because otherwise, we could have 10 executive meetings with people who don't really want to do it i think that's the move now right it's might as well just try to shoot the movies ourselves right i think that's that's the move because what do you because otherwise we could have 10 executive meetings with people who don't really want to do it no let's just shoot it and then you guys do it and then if there's a par for old chrissy banks i fly over economy middle seat you're gonna have to get a ticket without a seat oh or it's assigned to you at the gate i stand up i hold on to the railing yeah sir please sit down this is my seat yeah you just have to hang that's probably what it's going to be what it's assigned to you at the gate. I stand up, I hold on to the railing.
Sir, please sit down. This is my seat.
Yeah. You just have to hang.
That's probably what it's going to come down to at some point. Ryanair tried that twice, and the EU shut them down.
Ryanair did standing room? Ryanair did standing seats? They wanted to do that. They wanted to do just one pilot, standing seats.
That's genius. Just one pilot is nuts.
I mean, if you fucking got a heart attack or something,

just one pilot's the craziest

thing I've ever heard in my life. Why not?

So cheap. So cheap.
You can fly for 20 bucks.

But Ryanair, yeah, but Ryanair, the flights

are like 20 minutes. Have you done it, Ryanair?

Yeah, that's how I flew around. That's how I got around

Europe when I was there. That's how you get around.

It's the easy, and you said it's like 20 bucks.

They fill the tank

just enough so they can do emergency landing so they they got they they everything is calculated so and and but there's people then in europe that they fly country to country daily like right right sure yeah but it's just yeah i mean from here to arizona oh yeah it's like yeah they're all 40 40 minutes flights like if you go to i went england to france or england to spain it's an hour. Wow.
Yeah, it's amazing. Wow.
Europe is a mini little, it's like Western United States. Right.
That's how close it. Like the states in Western US are as big as the countries in Western Europe.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, I know. I've been to Europe.
Except ours touch and not all their jazz touches because they got a bunch of water coming through. A bunch of water.
There's a bunch of water over there. But the thing is with Europe, they're more cultured and they sound smarter and better and are more cultured because the countries, it's all different cultures and languages.
But so are we. No, but you drive 3,000 miles in any direction and everyone's speaking English pretty much.
But that's the only thing. Yeah.
Except if you go down to Mexico. Or you ever been down to Louisiana? I've never been down to Louisiana.
The Bayou Boys, man, they sound so different. They sound crazy.
Well, they got that little bit of song on a band that hold about. It sounds like that.
And then you're like, okay? What? Yeah, okay? What the fuck? Oh, yeah. Come on out here.
We live in that boy. You be in the Bayou Boys.
It sounds like that. It sounds like Waterboy.
Remember Waterboy? Yeah, yeah. That's what everybody sounds like down there do you think they're pro vaccine they don't even they don't even make it way down there no they said i'm not bad in it may not come down here boy i don't need none of that boy jay but come on man i go get today we don't need it boy and i need to go stab me go be h give me the h get that horse i've never been in louisiana it's awesome yeah so dope i mean new orleans at least is where i went and then i went shot guns and saw gators wow guns and gators we did a guns and gators day dude yeah and then you know our boat got stuck in the swamp i'm not kidding it was so fucking funny we're driving around it's january uh as a buddy's bachelor party we go shoot guns we go take the boat out to go see gators in the swamp or drinking beers and the dude that's operating it who's just as fucked up as anybody else on it it's his job to like stay sober and get us back through the marsh and the swamps and he's like oh man this boat's done this boat be done I was like the boat's done he's like boat be done we just put it on a short we just got put up on the shore and he's like we go have to wait till someone else come back i was like call someone he's like ain't nobody they call we gotta wait we just had to sit there and wait till somebody came by at any moment you like a gator can come and chomp our boat in half i would just at some point i was like what this what if it gets dark and now it's night now we're just sitting here all night in the fucking so you just have to hopefully wait for another boat no someone to come by that's what he said oh someone to come by It was like an what if it gets dark and now it's night? Now we're just sitting here all night in the fucking marsh.
So you just have to hopefully wait for another boat. Oh, no, someone will come by.
That's what he said. Oh, someone will come by.
It was like an hour and a half. Nobody was even on the water at all.
And you had no fucking, no one had cell signal. We had no cell signal.
You were in the middle of the water. Yeah.
If you would have gotten out and tried to swim to land, you would have been eaten by a gator immediately. The land is the water.
It's the marsh. So it looks like you could step on ship, but you'll fall right through it's the swamp wow yeah yeah we just ran out of gas at the at the beginning we're laughing yeah 25 minutes in you're kind of chuckling but it's weird half an hour you're like this is fucking yeah an hour you're like panic yeah then an hour and a half you're like fuck it then we just kept drinking right because then what are you gonna do i'm i'm i might fall asleep sweep in a swamp sweep in a swamp i might sweep in a swamp and then what happened another boat came by and just you got on that guy came by yeah guy came by then he was like oh i'll go radio and about it guy came by we got on that new boat they left the old boat and then they had to go get someone else to go tow it out they just leave it there that captain should have went down with the ship he's a pussy that captain we just shot a hole in it and he just sinks into the swamp as he's sinking in he just his body starts it was fun that's how i chipped my tooth you see my tooth in front no oh yeah i do i chipped it on a crawfish shell eat on mushroom i was on mushrooms and we were eating a crawfish boil and then the next morning i went to get a po'boy sandwich and the guy was like i was playing with my tooth like this because i had a chip and he goes what's wrong with your tooth and i was like i chipped in on a crawfish shell and he goes oh that's new orders that's new orders he was right though man i bit right through i chipped my fucking tooth in nuance i um i took mushrooms for the first time ever last week get yeah did it on the pod i did it on the pod i did it on the patreon did you feel good Patreon Chrissy D patreon.com says Chrissy Comedy we did it for the $5 level and up and I did it with Gianni Palo who's little brother Christian we saw his mom last night we saw Gianni Chris sent a text message to Gianni and said best threesome we've ever had yeah he was pissed Gianni was like he goes ha ha ha And then he sent me a text like an hour later.
He was like, you really didn't hook up with my mom, right? I was like, yeah, we did. What are you talking about? What do you think you came to LA for? Yeah, dude.
Why do you think I have you run on my TikTok? She's tiny. She's a tiny.
So is he. So all her kids are tiny.
He said, we took your mom to France. She saw the Eiffel Tower.
Oh, boom. I took it to Predomines, yeah.
He's a good dude. Yeah.
After that, we banged your mom. He's a good dude.
Great guy. I really appreciate his love and support these last years.
No, we did mushrooms. He took his shirt off.
Jack, he's on testosterone or clobuterol. He's on some type of steroid openly.
And it looks great. And we took mushrooms.
And it really it really for me was it wasn't like a bug out experience but i i just feel very settled i feel i've had the least amount of anxiety i've had in years has been this last week how many how much mushrooms did you take i don't george is not enough because george is a big mushroom head are you a big mushroom guy big time uh yeah it's but it's kind of hard now that i have a kid uh get a get a day off to, but yeah. Look at this guy with a toothpick in his mouth like he's a mafia member.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Caffeinated toothpick.

No, nicotine, fool.

Is it really?

Yeah.

A nicotine toothpick?

Yeah, sneaky way to get the nicotine.

Give me one of those.

All right.

Wow, that's interesting.

Have you ever had a nicotine toothpick?

No.

I want a nicotine pick.

It's like smoking a stoke.

If they call them nicpics, what are they called?

If they're not called nicpics, I'm upset. Zipix.
Zipix. Wow.
How come they're not a sponsor? Well, they should be. They should be.
I'll try it. I've never done nicotine.
It smells. What do you mean? You never smoked a cigarette in your life? Maybe once or twice.
Really? Yeah. What about a stogie? Almost never.
I swear, and I barely ever smoked smoked weed i don't really smoke anything i like i miss smoking weed i don't do as much anymore hey how much how much nicotine are in these things uh just two mgs so what would that be like one cigarette i think less what less than a cigarette i think less are equal to do you like um do you like vapes have you ever hit a vape never hit a vape wow this. I could get addicted to this because it makes my breath.
It's like a breath mint. Yeah, what is the flavoring on this, George? What does it say the flavoring is? This one's Spice Island Clove, but they got lots of flavors.
I was going to say Spice Island Clove. It does smell like a clove.
I was going to say it feels like I'm chewing on Rudy. American spirits are dirt bag cigarettes, right? That's what cool kids smoke because they're like american spirits organic yeah they're like all organic tobacco and it's like fair trade how stupid are people they're like it's organic that the cigarettes are you know raised right like it's you're smoking a cigarette well they're cage-free cigarettes cage-free cigarettes farm raised you know what the? I will say, if you're going to smoke, you might as well smoke tobacco that's not infused with other shit.
Right. So it's like a cigar is just tobacco.
Okay. I mean, a good cigar is going to be really good, high-end, just tobacco.
Right? Leaves. But then cigarettes, you get good tobacco, and then they put all sorts of- They put ammonia.
They put piss. They put urine in it.
They put piss in it. They put piss in cigarettes? Politicians, they collect their piss from...
I'm putting ciggy wiggies? I'm putting it in ciggy wiggies. Holy shit.
You know that Pepsi is flavored by aborted fetuses. Is it really? Google it.
It's like a real conspiracy. Whoa.
Okay, zoom in. The chemical...
Chemical Constitu... Scoot in on that.

Zoom in on that, baby.

Up.

Nicotine, carbon monoxide, arsenic, ammonia...

Acetone.

Isn't that nail polish remover?

Yeah.

Yep.

Tulane, methylamine.

Methylamine is what Gianni's on to get jacked.

That's his standard.

Methylamine.

Methylamine, man.

That's a new character.

Methylamine, man.

Yeah.

Just a superhero jacked on meth.

I'll fight crime all days of the night. Yeah.
Week in the day. Well, I got a name for that guy.
He was alive. Who was it? Adolf Hitler.
That was Methleine Man. Methleine Man.
Methleine Man. He'll build a puzzle, then he'll kill an entire race of people.
He's building a thousand-piece puzzle. Hold on one second.
That's insane how bad cigarettes, how much stuff is in there. Disgusting.
But, but I guess that's the deal, right? Isn't that the Irish cancer society? Cancer society. It would be us.
Yeah. Yeah.
Here's all the stuff that's inside cigarettes. Not our cigarettes.
What, what, uh, well, what's the difference? American spirits are just tobacco, right? Just tobacco. With no additives.
Is that true?

Or are they just... I think hippies smoke them because they think it's like a nice...

The brand American spirit is now owned by R.J. Reynolds.

Ammonia, formaldehyde, pepper spray, ethyl alcohol, lead,

isobutyl alcohol, vinyl chloride.

That's a band name.

I was going to say...

Wait a minute, though.

Formaldehyde.

That's what they ferment bodies in, right?

Yeah, dude.

Ammonia.

Dude, I knew a kid that smoked that.

Smoked formaldehyde?

It's called getting wet.

Have you guys ever heard of this?

Really?

No one's heard of this?

Type in getting wet.

This is Urban Dictionary for all you whites.

It's Pepsi flavored by boarded fetuses.

I made a couple of Pepsis in my day. Oh ready refresh by nestle hold on speaker hello this is ready refresh your beverage yeah i'm trying to fucking cancel your service for three months oh it's a fucking robot fuck you i've been trying to cancel ready refresh imagine if that's a real fucking months imagine if that was a real guy yeah it's your ready refresh here when you robot.
Fuck you. I've been trying to cancel Ready, Refresh by Nestle for three fucking months.
Imagine if that was a real guy. It's your Ready, Refresh here.
Fuck you. He's like, gosh, Jarnes.
Everyone thinks I'm a robot. They don't take me serious.
Getting wet. Came to New Jersey.
Man accused of murdering six-year-old boy, critically wounding 12. His sister was on a combination of PCP and marijuana, a drug sometimes called wet at the time of the crime, according to local...
Right. Okay.
That's what it is. Getting wet is PCP in your marijuana.
Was that you just ripping a fart? Yeah. Oh, my God.
I didn't even do it into the mic. My God.
You picked that up on the mic? You guys got good mics. Well, those chairs have fart...
We've got fart reverberators on them, so they're plugged right into the mic. No, because I didn't even try to get that on the shelf.
That's what's getting wet is PCP inside a weed. But I thought people dip for Blunts and formaldehyde.
I thought that was a thing. It's a training day too.
Denzel says to Ethan Hawke, like, Oh, that's you getting wet. I didn't know you like to get wet.
That's exactly. Thank you.
Thank you, Carlos. See? Training day.
King Kong does have shit on me. One time I saw Ethan Hawke at the airport, right? In New York.
I saw him at the airport and we were on the same flight. I was like, that's weird.
And then I came back like two weeks later from LA and Ethan Hawke was on my flight going

back to New York.

I was like, that's fucking weird.

I was like, what's going on, E-Hawk?

I was like, we keep seeing each other in the airport.

He was like, Skirty.

He just keeps flying back and forth from New York to LA every single day.

Every day.

Just so people see him on a flight.

There was a story about a dad once who his daughter was a flight attendant and he barely

saw her.

So for like a week, he just took all her flights.

Wherever she goes, he just sat on her flight.

It was a story about a dad once who his daughter was a flight attendant and he barely saw her. So for like a week, he just took all her flights.
Wherever she goes, he just sat on her flight. I was like, what a stupid thing.
Loser dad. I was like, let me tell you something.
Well, he's trying to make up for all those years. I was going to say that I couldn't make up for the times he used to beat the shit out of her mother in front of her.
You got daddy issues now? I'm on every flight. Yeah.
And they wrote it up like this whole nice news article. Like what a good dad.
like he's making up for scumbag shit he did yeah i'd be like what are you if you're a good president father it's like i'm not going to fucking flights to detroit with i'm exhausted just come home yeah come home by the way i don't know what's going on with uh flight attendants lately but uh the attitude is through the fucking roof you got it you got a tude from a flight attendant lately i'm almost every flight i get on there just just just in a bad mood you know what i've noticed and this i don't whatever wherever the flight attendants um are coming from wherever they're based out of that's what dictates if they're going to enforce the mask rule or not i would when i flew out here from when i flew i flew from new york to florida they didn't give a shit i had my mask off the entire flight as soon as i got the first beverage entire flight nobody said anything they didn't know when we're flying from florida to california i guess it was the la base they in between sips they had it had to be on my chin if i if i pulled it on my ear they she would say it has in between sips sir in between sips sir i was like oh my god you know what it's flying this is a first. About three, four months ago, I forgot where I was flying from.
I've never seen this. I was flying first class.
And New York to Boston. And no, I was flying first class.
Short flight. New York to Philly.
And, you know, they take your jackets, right? They take your jackets and hang them up, whatever, you know, polite stuff. So we're, you know, landing or whatever.
And the woman flight attendant, she goes, she goes, gives the guy his jacket back, you know? And he goes, there's a crease in this. Like he was being such a dick.
He was like, there's a crease in this. He goes, what the fuck did you do to my jacket? And she was like, sir.
She was like, you know, I folded it up. She was'm sorry.
We're going to be landing soon. If you'd like to make a report or whatever.
Being so professional. And I was like, well, at first I wasn't listening to the beginning.
But then I took my headphones. I was like, this is getting pretty heated.
And then the guy goes, I can't believe I fly this yellow all the time. Look, you creased my jacket.
Kept going on. And then something snapped.
This was a firsthand account. This was not told to me by someone.
I witnessed every moment of this. I saw it.
I wish I was recording it, but I was just so shocked in the moment. Still yelling.
And she goes, sure, sir, shut the fuck up. I swear to God.
She goes, sir, shut the fuck up and sit down. She goes, shut.
And then the other flight attendant came and tried to get in. And then she went and sat in her bucket seat.
Because I had the angle. You know when you're sitting in first class, something you could see? See him, yeah.
I could see her sitting in the bucket seat. And she's like, this fucking scum.
Like she was going off. And then he walked out.
He zoomed past her. And she ice grilled him the whole way.
She was not like, I sorry like she didn't come to her senses good for her though she was like you shut the fuck up and stay seated sir good for her and i was like fuck that dude yeah and it was almost to the point where i swear to god like the people around us we almost like started clapping for the flight because he was being such a dick yeah you know well sometimes they are but that's my thing is i'm always so polite and nice but sometimes you catch an attitude from them yeah like i was nice on the flight to to um st louis and um american has stopped doing like certain food services now you know because of all this bullshit but the woman i know she gets a coffee yeah and then i politely said is there a meal service on this flight because i didn't know if there was i'm genuinely asking she goes i'll get it to you after i serve everyone a drink and i was like no i just i was just asking i didn't know there was one she goes yes there is after it can i do all the drinks and i was like okay yeah you fucking bitch yeah i was being so nice yeah i think the thing is like they've dealt with so much bullshit that's not like it used to be years ago no they were all in such a good mood i know because their money was probably better their hours weren't as insane now they're overworked and underpaid so they're like fuck you here's your jacket you fucking piece of idiot that's what they should have you know ed to bevix do you know what that is no it was a restaurant in chicago where they were mean to you bring up ed to bevix part of the service an asshole to you. That's fun.
That's fun. They go, here's your steak, fat ass.
And they walk away. My dad used to be like, you should get a job at DeBevick's.
You should be perfect for it. Perfect for it.
But that's the deal. You're supposed to be a bully.
A lot of like Second City people and stuff like that work there. Improv kids.
Why'd they close it down? I guess you can in this climate, right? It's kind of hard. You throw a couple racial slurs, you get sued.
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No, they still might be open. I have no idea.
Dude, Jeff. Are they still there? Does it say it? Yeah, it's open.
They're still open? Oh, at the Bevix. Let's go.
Yeah, but now they're going to be PC when they're mean to you. Oh, God.
Yeah, here's your steak, you cis white male and everyone's like, oh, burn. Bang..
Bang. I bet you voted Democrat.
Oh. Yeah, they used to be mean to you.
What is this? I'll leave you money so you can figure out how to leave me a decent tip, okay? Because right now I have no prayer at all. You're not for you.
You're not hurting me. You know what, Grandpa? If I was nice to you, I'd get canned, okay? If you want good service, you go somewhere else.
I know Hooters is probably more your sleep. This how unfortunate this is this made the news at it back in 2015 because people like oh a mean server they've been doing this for like 50 fucking years dumb they've been doing this for so long but now people are like huh how could you say that that's crazy it's on the it's on the internet can you believe she would say that dude they've been doing that for and they used to be mean to you and i don't think you're not the wiener circle too in chicago aren't they well dude or is that just not even an act that's not an act that's like they work at the dmv you know you bring a video of the wiener circle i went there when when i shot my special on the head the the this is these three beautiful large black women and they say well because look they deal with little college kids all the time up there right so drunk ass college kids they started lighting them up started lighting them up.
And that's kind of part of the culture over there. What you want, you little small dick piece of shit? You're like hot dogs.
You're like, shut the fuck up. And you get your hot.
It's a good hot dog. Shut up, Tyler.
Shut up, Cassidy. Bitch ass.
Little vaccinated bitch ass. Yo vaccinated bitch ass.
Come over here. I love the beans.
This motherfucker got boost. You know he got two boosters, this motherfucker.
Yeah, no, no they do they light you up at the wiener circle but that's again that's that's not that wasn't the history of the restaurant yeah that's the bevix's whole joke was that's like dick's last resort don't they do that at that restaurant but that's more of like a chain of it like they beat they just they they light you up at dick's last resort and they write like they give you like big pope hats and they write like you're a piece of shit on it. They should do that.
They should have a Dick's Last Flight. Dick's Last Flight.
And do an airline. Dick's Airline.
Oh, dude. Yeah, I'm like a whatever.
I'm like a pothole. What? If you fly JetBlue, JetBlue is the only one giving like full service meals like it was in 2019.
Everybody else – I flew Delta out here and the lady sitting, dude, the lady sitting next to me in Delta, this was pretty funny too. The flight attendant was nice about it, but the woman goes, she goes, whatever says the choices of the breakfast.
And she goes, do you have anything with green? Like I'm looking for something with green. And the flight attendant was like, all our food is in a box.
You want a salad, bitch? Wait till you land. Yeah.
It's all our food is in a box um and then when i was flying from new york to tampa here i sat next to a pilot you know like sometimes pilots yeah and i swear dude i swear to god we're like an hour and a half into the flight and he's like looking out the window and like i saw him like looking and he goes this plane don't sound good and i was like really like he was like i think it's gonna be fine but they need to it don't sound good. And I was like, really? Like he was like, I think it's going to be fine, but they need to.
It don't sound good. And I was like, well, I swear to God.
And I was like, really? And then I asked him. It was kind of struck up a conversation for literally two minutes.
But I asked him, because this was the flight to Tampa. Nobody was wearing a mask.
I said, do you guys wear masks in the cockpit? He goes, I ain't never wore a mask once in the cockpit. Yeah, why would he? It's just him and one other guy.
Yeah, they take it right off immediately. Well, here's the irony about the mask thing, and I don't want to get too deep into that because who cares, but it's weird that they're like, you wear a mask when you're sitting still, just breathing usually out your nose, you know? Yeah.
Which is like, I mean, you know, how much is coming out? But when you're eating, you're like, there's all this shit getting into the air. Yeah, it's so fucking dumb.
It's the weirdest time to take off your mask while you're eating, and you're like, burping and spitting food out of your mouth, but they're like, no, no, no. It has to be when you're sitting still breathing out of your nose.
Donnie was telling me a story. I don't even remember this like a few months ago when they did the mask mandate.
Southwest pilots were like, yeah, we're just not going to fly the flights. And then Southwest had to reverse their mask mandate because the pilots were like, yeah, we're just not doing it because we're all hicks.
Well, yeah, but I mean, Southwest, you know, Southwest. Dude, Southwest, honestly, man.
The bus in the sky. Every time I've flown Southwest, it's a great experience.
The Wi-Fi is fantastic. I get mad leg room.
Everything's good. Always good with Southwest.
Spirit Airlines is a fucking piece of shit. I've never flown it once.
Never flown Spirit. We should do, that's what we should do.
Fly Spirit and die? Yeah, that's all I get to boost, Joe. Let me fly Spirit and no mask.
Does Spirit go overseas? They don't fly over water. No, they'll never make it.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

They run out of gas.

No, dude.

They'll never make it.

Does Spirit go overseas?

Spirit Airlines, 47 domestic,

and 28 international destinations in 18 countries.

Get the fuck out of here.

Hey, let's go to Aruba.

Colombia, Costa Rica,

Dominican Republic,

Ecuador, El Salvador, Guajamala.

They go to all his countries.

Any Central or South America Airlines,

whenever you go to LAX

and you go past the terminal, you can tell that they make them bring their own tape in case something falls apart yeah that's like you know you know i was watching the thing you ever seen like airline disasters or some shit you know that show like worst oh yeah i was watching once about like korean air and like in korea you cannot if you are a you know the the whatever assistant pilot what are they called what's the pilot? If you're the co-pilot, you cannot ever direct your superior ever. And so- What do you mean? Like if he makes a mistake, you can't say anything? So that everybody died on this flight because they had like the black box recorder.
This guy, the pilot, was flying directly into a fucking mountain. And all the co-pilot had to do was, you know, you know.
Excuse me? Yeah. I think I use this at a mountain.
That's all he had to do. Mountain? Mountain.
Just one word. He was afraid to say it.
Mountain. But he says over the black box, he goes, whatever.
He was like, you know, the pilot is going to fly into a mountain he goes so sig i want you to tell my wife and kids i love it yeah like you didn't do anything oh my god that was the only thing they had that's how they do and they like they weren't laughing about our airlines just like unfortunately in their culture i was like what the fuck what do you mean you can't even you can't even make a suggestion so he just the guy the pilot was just driving he's like skies And then he just flew it right into a fucking, and the other copilot was like, that's a Mount Fuji you're going to hit. And then that was his last one.
He goes, just tell my wife and kids I love them because the pilot just flew it right into it. It was Malcolm Gladwell's Cockpit Culture Theory and the Asiana Crash.
That's what it is. Oh, okay.
So there you go. Malcolm Gladwell.
What a good lady Malcolm Gladwell is. And your story is from one of his books, though.
What'd you say? The story of the Korean Air Crash is in one of his books. Okay.
I'm sorry I don't read, Carlos. They made all Korean pilots learn English so that they wouldn't have, like, because the language is so hierarchical in Korea.
What do you mean? The pilots had to learn English to communicate in English to each other because of the hierarchy of the Korean language wouldn't allow them to, like, talk to their superiors, but English is just you, you, you. He doesn't know what hierarchy means.
You got to say that's a problem. Patriarchy? Yeah.
There's only one. Yeah.
There's only one Arky over here, baby. Hey.
I'm Arky Bunker. Yeah, no, they had to learn English because they had an ability to speak to each other at a similar...
similar uh it's crazy dude if you look at like other cultures like you know if i was you know meeting you know my girl's father um uh you know are you in america you have to look them in their eye or it's disrespectful in asian culture you look them in their eye it's disrespectful so it's like you don't know if you if you meet your if you're if you had a korean wife and you looked her father in the eye he'd be like get this guy's a fucking piece of where are you supposed to look in their chest i don't think you're supposed to keep your head down it's like a culture thing you have to keep your head down where you can't look at these guys in the eye that's very disrespectful in the asian culture see americans if you shake someone's hand you don't look them in the eye it's a fuck you that's like that's like that's like man fuck you yeah that's what that is you don't you don't in the eyeball? That's nuts. 10 places where eye contact is not recommended.

Yeah.

Do not.

In the bedroom.

China, not recommended.

Yeah, well, I'll look them all in the face and say, you did this to me.

Yeah.

Also, China being Muslim, not recommended.

In China, look at that.

In China, people make eye contact when they're angry.

It's meant to challenge the other person who has a sign of disrespect.

Yeah. See? It's a to challenge the other person who has a sign of disrespect.
Yeah.

See?

It's a big thing.

Japan.

Not recommended.

Iran.

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

Depends.

If you're looking at Saddam Hussein or somebody.

Look him in the eyes.

Eye contact is an accompaniment to many conversations when the participants are friends or family.

Got it.

Strangers, you don't look in the fucking eye.

However, eye contact is never appropriate for the opposite gender. You don't look abroad in eyeballs you look at a tits my eyes are right here yeah that's saudi arabia is that what that said where was that where that was iran that was iran iran yeah iran not iran iran they correct you all the time here in la because everybody here all these they're all from fucking iran and iran is right where iran iran is how they'll make it because here in LA we have a lot of Iranians and they'll tell you Iran not Iran I just go old school I just say Persia or Persian yeah they all say Persians you know that they call themselves Persian you know why they say that why well because the connotation of Iran because of what happened with the fucking the war people don't people like oh you're from iraq like iran like same same to me yeah uh vietnam not recommended well i'm not looking at her teeth where else am i gonna look who is that star rose jesus christ uh in vietnam eye contact is a way of showing interest in the opposite gender right yeah that's everywhere around the whole vietnamese war somebody

just looked somebody in the eye why is this the photo cambodia not recommended to look down on the child that's about to give you a blow job what is that photo what is that photo why do they have these weird fucking photos on this website yeah what the hell she's got beautiful eyes this kid Stop it.

Oh.

Indonesia.

Sometimes.

Go down.

Kenya.

Sometimes.

Hong Kong.

Not.

But America. is this kid stop it oh indonesia sometimes go down kenya sometimes hong kong not but america's the worst place i nerd south korea not recommending south korea i thought south korea was i thought you can't look bobby in the eye don't look him in the eye i look him in the eye all the time that's why that's why he's not here Thailand it says some eye contact

not too much

you the time that's why that's why he's not here thailand it says some eye contact not too much u.s eye contact welcome united okay of course yeah but that's one of those things i guess um it is interesting meeting like your girlfriend's father because you get like you get so in your head like my girl's dad he died um but he was a big, like a Puerto Rican man, but humongous Donald Trump supporter. Like huge Trump guy.
I had no idea. Aren't all Puerto Ricans? Aren't big Puerto Ricans? Isn't it big? It depends.
Like, yeah, you know, some are some. This guy was huge, huge Trump guy.
And he died like right after the election. I just met Jasmine.
You know, I barely knew him. I met him like, you know know my daughter delilah was like three months old and so but he you know he wasn't coming around that much but then he started coming around so i got to know him and i didn't know his political uh i didn't know who he's affiliated with but when the night after the election he came over for dinner and i thought because puerto rico got a puerto rican kid this is all new to me i went on like you know i was like you know what a disservice to this country like all that stuff like I was like I was like I can't believe I was like it's going to be okay it was like being the father of a you know Latinx child like I was trying to be like all you know like just try to hide the fact that you know I voted for the guy but I was just I had no idea I was like you know Latinx Kyle and this is horrible and I'm going to do everything I can as a white man to make this better for my child and your children, all this stuff.
And I swear to God, he was just looking at me. He goes, you done? And I go, yeah.
And then I swear to God, he was walking around in a plastic bag. He pulled out a Make America Great Again hat on, and he put it down.
He goes, I voted for him. I would have voted for him twice.
And then I was like, oh, boy. And then he died, right? Like a month later.
That's why he died, by the way. That's why he died.
He was like, I can't believe my son married, my daughter married a gay guy. So he goes, so he passes away, right? And then, you know, obviously Jasmine's very upset with his son and he had a heart attack.
So we go to the funeral home in Brooklyn. And, you know, she can't even talk, Jasmine.
She's like distraught. So we're sitting there and going over the funeral arrangements and she said, she was like, please just like, can you handle this? I was like, yeah, whatever.
So we're talking and then he got the guy, the funeral director, Italian guy, he goes, what was his political affiliation? And Jasmine's like, I don't know why that's important. He goes, no, no, I don't want to be disrespectful.
I just, you know, what was his political affiliation and jasmine's like i don't know why that's important he goes no no i don't want to be disrespectful i just you know what was his political affiliation you know to me and i go is it okay and she goes whatever i go he was you know he voted for donald trump and he goes and he gave him the good cast no and then he goes and he goes he goes listen to me he goes, listen to me. He goes, that man voted for Trump? And we said, yeah.
He goes, I'm going to get the army, the Coast Guard, what do you call the changing of the guard? He goes, I'm going to get them to come. They're going to play a thing on the flute for him.
Taps. Yeah, he goes, we're going to get a full military burial for him.
Full military burial. He's like, that's on me, on this funeral home.
He he goes i want to get him a wreath and i want to do something i i want to do something nice for you guys he goes because you know what he goes i had a funeral in here the other day right he goes these people are going on and on and on he goes about hillary this hillary that and i said to them he goes i said to them he goes i said you know i'm listening to them he goes you got to be respectful you know people you know people died and you know people get upset he goes i said to him he goes uh he goes you know i'm talking to the guy he goes this fucking guy he goes honestly i don't even know what you ended his fucking guy was he goes i'm talking to this guy he goes he goes he goes he goes i asked him and it's crazy that he's even saying this to us while she's crying and then even saying this to him well his they just lost a loved one and he's getting into this and he goes. And he goes, I said to the guy, I go, be honest with me.
What's one fucking mistake Trump's made so far in three months? Just tell me one mistake. Tell me one fucking thing he did wrong.
We're proof. He goes, none of this CNN bullshit.
He goes, we're proof. Tell me one mistake this guy's made.
He goes, and I'm going to give you the funeral for free. Okay for free okay i'm gonna give you the funeral for free if you could come in here tomorrow and show me we're proof one mistake that donald trump's made he goes guess what they fade they paid full price because they paid full price of course they did full price because you can't prove it bro he came in i swear i have pictures i don't know if i put it on my instagram i think jasmine asked me to take it this was it was five years ago anyway six years ago he came in with the wreath dude um it was it was bigger than this plant like like i've never seen it was like it looked like a ferris wheel and it said make america great again right by his casket i swear to god the family was coming in like jasmine's sister is like very liberal she was like what the fuck

who paid for this she was like is this one of your jokes like they were yelling me i was like he did it he had a cappuccino machine downstairs in the basement he was like he was like come on he says to me goes you want to have a cappuccino and i and i go i go i should say this come on he goes it's not your real family come on it's not like your dad died come on he goes i go do this go through this shit every day. You don't really care.
And I was like, you're right. I was like, this funeral director, he was fucking amazing.
And he's like, I gotta come see one of your skits. Then he was telling me wild shit about how Robert De Niro is wanted by the fucking mafia and he can't come down the street.
He goes, if he died, he goes, if De Niro died, I wouldn't bury him. I wouldn't bury him.
because he said he he said that i don't know if this is true but he said that de niro would finance would finance some of his movies from the mafia like back in the 90s or 80s whatever would you know uh some of the studios wouldn't give him the money so he would finance it through the mafia i believe that and he never paid the juice back on it he just would take the money and never pay the juice juice. Wow.
Or they wanted royalties and all this shit. Because you know, you don't sign a fucking contract with the mafia.
You sit in an office and you go, listen, this movie makes this much, you give me the money. You shake a hand, that's a contract.
But he wouldn't do it. You gotta pay the juice.
You gotta pay the juice. Robert De Niro in the Gafada.
He's incredible. What is that? What does that pick? Go back.
Why is that a picture of Tim Dillon and Naomi? You'll see. Podcastercaster tim dillon slams naomi oh you've never seen that this is great vanity laced rant when was that from um august yeah what was he yelling he goes that bitch naomi osaka who didn't want to do the interview shut the fuck up uh do the fucking interview dumb bitch he just tweeted that no that's sweet yeah but but the thing is he gets written up in these are you know he does so many bits where like he's like i'm having an interview or you ever seen the one like with the with the beijing game with the opening of the olympic games like they wrote him up like like they people think that it's real they don't understand it's not none of it is real that the weirdest thing is that they'll literally write comedian blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah, blah.
And you're like, take the first word.

Yeah.

Anything else is probably bullshit.

Yeah.

It's probably just us fucking around, making a joke.

That's so weird that they still do shit like that, though.

Yeah.

Timmy is the best.

I mean, I love him to death.

Yeah, he called last time we were on the show.

He called my phone and we put him on the show last time.

He is the best.

But you know what's so funny?

That is what's bothering me the most about us doing this show, us when Bob's here, or, you know, whatever. We're fucking around.
And then if anybody takes any of that to any sort of level of like, they must be being dead serious, you're like, this whole thing is for fun. It's for fun.
It's for fun. It's for fucking fun.
But the beautiful thing is your fans know that. That's why, that's a great thing.
I know, but that's where the Yahoo News takes the time out of their fucking day to write about a comedian joking around shows they don't have anything they got nothing going on to talk about you know why because when trump is gone when trump was in man they had so much fucking material and now they're just like we gotta find something to talk about that guy was a bevy of material you know news sources were they had a embarrassment of riches they could say anything every single day because you never really knew what trump stood Trump stood for. Because in a one minute rant, he literally contradicts.

He changes sides every single second.

He says so many wild things that you're like, all right, you know what?

I give up.

I don't even know what he said.

We'll just wait till what he says tomorrow.

He's like, gays are repulsive.

Also, pro-gay marriage.

And you're like, wait a minute, what?

Yeah, he goes, I was sucking cock last night.

They shouldn't be allowed in this country anymore.

Yeah.

Who?

Mexicans, gays, gay Mexicans. Gay Mexicans.
It is funny how many times he would go back on something he would say yeah you could that's why i think they never really got him pinned down yeah he just kept flip-flopping that's all you have to do flip-flop just keep flip-flopping and they'll never be able to track you down i think that's a honestly an amazing strategy flip-flop yeah well it's got away he got away with it for a long time speaking of which you do know carlos you. You know Carlos? Carlos up there? Carlos was a diehard Trump supporter.
Really? Diehard, diehard, yeah. And he got attacked in the streets for wearing a Make America Great Again hat.
Yeah, my dad was pissed. Because a lot of Mexicans- My skin is white, but I'm Mexican, so I was a little confused.
Mexican like Trump, though, right? A lot of Mexicans like Trump. He was going to help build the wall, this kid.
You were going to do it? My dad works down there by the wall. By the wall, yeah.
He's a doctor by the wall. You get hurt.
dad works by the wall yeah well because he was that's the thing with trump is like yes he was saying okay i'm gonna build the wall you know and that everyone but what they don't say is is he said he was gonna build the wall to keep the mexicans out but he was gonna make it with glory holes so the gays have fun that's right so he was like i was gonna put glory holes in the wood out there you get your cock sucked yeah yeah we keep on the bad guys you're Still get a blowy. Yeah, that's what it is.
Everyone, they're stressed out.

Yeah, Carlos' dad was a coyote who would sneak immigrants into the country, but also worked for Border Patrol, so he was a double agent. I want to thank Fancy B, by the way.
I didn't give enough credit. Fancy B's sitting in for Rudy.
He had to do less work today than he's ever had to do. Ever had to do in his life.
But you know what? He's a vital part of this. He's a vital organ in this whole thing.
And I do think he's losing his job to Carlos. I'm not going to lie.
Carlos has taken over. Well, you have a job on the East Coast if you'd like one.
Okay? As long as you have a valid passport. You can't steal my fancy.
That's our only prereq is he has to have a passport. Does he have a fucking Wikipedia page now? Oh my God.
Look at Fancy, dude. Go back.
Does he have a Wikipedia page? He looks like a villain oh his imdb you do look like a villain how do we get a wikipedia page made for him what is that picture right there you look like you were on that true tv show with the magicians that were they were the ones who were the practical jokers what was it called what is that film what is that shot what was that show yeah that's crazy well did you take that in spain no nice look at that one that one that one oh my god so embarrassing on bad friends court that was great fancy b everybody i want to thank chrissy d thank you chrissy chaos go to uh patreon.com slash christy comedy uh watch chrissy chaos uh watch what um hey babe i was gonna say watch hey babe and christy comedycom. Tiki Weekies.
I got the Christy Theater Tour, everybody. The CTE Tour.
Go see the CTE Tour. This guy's got brain damage and he's bringing it to a city near you if he makes it or he figures out what town he's in.
Yeah. Detroit, Cleveland, Washington, D.C., Atlanta.
Atlanta. Go to ChristyComedy.com to go see this guy live it's beautiful thank you so much amazing go ahead and look at your single

go ahead and look at your camera

and say thank you for being a bad friend

take us out baby

okay

let's go Brandon

thank you for being a bad friend Yeah. Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.