Marrying Harry Styles with a Rooster Ring

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

Speaker 1 These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Speaker 1 Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. Are your levels good? You sound good? I sound good.
I feel good.

Speaker 1 Bad friends.

Speaker 1 Bad new friends. Bad new friends.
It's a brand new bad new friends. White friends.

Speaker 1 White friends.

Speaker 1 White friends.

Speaker 1 We started Asian hate. Yes.

Speaker 1 We did. We started it.
We did. We want to bring back the campaign.
We do. Bobby's gone.
Listen. Hopefully for good.

Speaker 1 Let's be real with the fans. Okay.
Here's what's going on.

Speaker 1 Bobby and I got into a little quarrel about where to shoot Bottoms of Turtle Island. He went out on his own and he is island shopping.
And I mean this. He's looking to buy an island.
Okay.

Speaker 1 He's searched the Caribbean or the Caribbean, as you people call it. Yeah.
And owners call it. Owners.
And he's looking for an island, and he's looking to shoot somewhere next year in the fall, maybe.

Speaker 1 So Bobby's going to be gone for a couple of weeks. Okay.
So what did I do? What'd you do? Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling.

Speaker 1 Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling.

Speaker 1 Hello? Hey, Chris. Hey, Andrew.
It's the red cocket. Hi, kids.
I'm on the phone with the devil. I need you to come to the studio.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And to be my co-host for an episode or two. Ooh, okay.

Speaker 1 10,000 an episode. Sound good? You got it.
Woo! Bobby's in rehab.

Speaker 1 Druggie. He's a real druggie.
He's a druggie. What can we say? We know.
You guys knew it. He's the love of our life, and I love him so much.
And one of my best friends on earth. And he's in rehab.

Speaker 1 And you know what? Feel comfortable talking about it because people have addictions and people have problems. We have problems.
We got problems. We got problems, dude.
We got problems.

Speaker 1 I was here in L.A. The truth story is I was here in L.A.
for something else, and I was walking past the 7-Eleven, and Bobby was asleep outside of it. And I called you, and I said,

Speaker 1 We got a problem. We got a problem.
So I gave him a go-go tequeto and a slurpee, and

Speaker 1 we put him in a nice church van up to rehab. And then I came right here.
He's at a religious facility.

Speaker 1 It's called Christ First.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it's that guy. You know, that guy from YouTube is like, Jesus Christ.
It's him. It's his facility.
Yeah. And he's getting people clean.

Speaker 1 And Bobby's going to get a clean sweep and a new lease on life. Yes.
Because we want him to live forever. I don't like mans no more.
Yeah. I'm not gay no more.

Speaker 1 That's his guy. That's his guy.
That's his pastor. By the way, look up the average lifespan of a South Korean.
Because North Koreans got to be longer because they do it good up there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's say average lifespan of a South Korean

Speaker 1 83 years. That's pretty good.
Do you think Bobby will make it? Nope. Oh, look at this.
George wants to give you a gift. There's a gift that we got.

Speaker 1 This is

Speaker 1 thinking. Oh, this is from.
Is this the ball gag you guys put in my mouth when you put the pubes in? Wow. Do you have sex toys at home? No, Jasmine has sex toys.

Speaker 1 I think she uses them. She never used them with me, and I think she uses them on herself or my little daughter, seven-month-old Violet.
I don't, I think it's the carpenter who does work in our house.

Speaker 1 I think it's his child.

Speaker 1 We have sex toys, but I got a rooster ring. You know what I mean? Really? Yeah, rooster ring.
What's a rooster ring? It's a a nice way of saying cock ring. Okay.
I got a rooster ring, and it

Speaker 1 vibrates. And you can put it on top of your, of your schlange, and it

Speaker 1 on her ding dong. Or you flip it upside down,

Speaker 1 and it massages your cojo neso,

Speaker 1 your nosados, and it, and it will.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So you can put it on top for, once it's for her, for him, for her, and for him.
My friend is a police officer. And I spin it around.

Speaker 1 Yeah. My friend's a police officer in New York, and he texted the group chat the other day.
And he goes, Guys, I just came from a call. You know, a DOA, you know, the guy was dead there.

Speaker 1 The guy died, had a heart attack, sitting in his computer with tidy whiteys down around his ankles,

Speaker 1 blasting gay porn with a cockring around his cock. Oh, and he said he just had a heart attack.
And he said, like, his wife, like, he has a full wife and kids. They just weren't home.

Speaker 1 So it's like, the guy was just ripping gay porn with a cocktail. Do you tell him? What do you do? Do you tell the wife? You're a cop.
Me and you, we walk in on a guy. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 We walk in on George, obviously. Yes.

Speaker 1 Who's got a big old thick thick cock ring the fact that carlos isn't gay is mind-blowing by the way he is they all are yeah yeah carlos he is gay he's just not allowed to be it per his father you know and when his dad dies he'll be able to do whatever he wants oh same with me how old's your pop uh 64 oh dude he's in this he's in the thick of it nice because everything is gay now he's like what are you gonna paint your nails you gay gay hurling insult where's your dad from uh mexico city oh oh my the most homophobic city it yeah mexican that's the thing it's like everyone shits on whites whites.

Speaker 1 The most racist, homophobic people I've ever met in my life are non-white people. Non-white.
Yeah, non-white.

Speaker 1 Look up what's the most homophobic city in the United States. Let's see who hates the gays the most.
I'm going to say Mexico City's got to be way. In the United States or in the world.
In the world.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. In the world.
Yeah, yeah. Because the most homophobic city in the United States is Boston.
20 most dangerous places.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is 100%.

Speaker 1 Get out of here, dude, with your fucking cork rings and your butt plugs. Fucking corkscrews.
Fucking corkscrew guys.

Speaker 1 All right, this is the 20s most dangerous places to live for homosexual men and women. I'll tell you what's not Nigeria, number one.
I would say that's just a dangerous place to live, period. Period.

Speaker 1 Period. I'm surprised it's not something in the Middle East.
Oh, Qatar. Qatar.
There you are. Yemen coming through.
Yemen, big. Saudi, boom.
Three for four. Tanzania, taking it back.
Terent. Iran.

Speaker 1 Again, white people are the problem, though. White people are the destination.

Speaker 1 Here we go. You still haven't hit us.
Sudan, you haven't hit Barnabas. Barbara.
No, Asia.

Speaker 1 Nope. These are all tourist destinations, but we don't live in Zambia.
St. Lucia.
Oh, St. Lucia, beautiful island, though.

Speaker 1 Uganda. Uganda.
Pakistan. Pakistan.
West Bank, and the Gaza, Kenya, Maldives, Jamaica, Ethiopia, Egypt, let me stop you right there.

Speaker 1 I haven't seen Brooklyn. I didn't see Queensland.
Ready for this? Let's go to the top five safest places for LGBTQKs. Number one, Sweden, then Canada, white.
Norway, white. Portugal, white, white.

Speaker 1 Spanish white. Belgium.
Spanish white. Belgium.
Belgium. Waffles.

Speaker 1 I mean, I mean, so the fair. But we're the enemy.
But we're the enemy. Vote Republican.
Only way to fix this.

Speaker 1 By the way,

Speaker 1 you know what we should get? We should get more Caitlin Jenners in public office because you want gay Republicans. Yes.
If you really want to mix up the system, you've got to get gay Republicans.

Speaker 1 Now, she's against gay marriage, which is the weirdest thing I've ever heard in my life. That's very strange.

Speaker 1 I think she - I don't know if she flipped back, but for a long time, she was against gay marriage. Meet the gay Republicans.
This is a good article. See, but there should be more gay Republicans.

Speaker 1 Well, I think a lot of them are. Look at the stigma, dude.
Yeah, well, isn't the guy with the eye patch gay? That guy?

Speaker 1 Nah. No, he's not gay.
Crenshaw, something like that. Dan Crenshaw? I thought that's why he got a cock in the eye.

Speaker 1 Was it like... Wasn't it Friendly Fire? Wasn't he shocked by it? He was shocked.
He says it was Friendly Come. Well, that is Friendly Fire.
Yeah. Hey, Dan.

Speaker 1 No, he's not. He's not gay, but I do think there should be more gay republics.
Just to mix it up, I'm sick of the same old, same old. Yeah, what about this

Speaker 1 guy in the NFL? There's a lot of gay men in the NFL. But there's one open gay guy.
Isn't he on the Rams?

Speaker 1 No. Oh, he's on the Raiders.
He's on the Raiders. Oh, the Raiders, dude.
Yeah, because Pirates.

Speaker 1 Why was that a so?

Speaker 1 Why did Butt Pirate become a thing? Where did that come from? Butt Pirate. Maybe.

Speaker 1 Because pirates seem to be not gay. They seem to be like.
Didn't they like loot and rob and rape and pillage?

Speaker 1 A Heiny Pirate, maybe because you're going like butt to butt. You're on the 7th C.

Speaker 1 No, no, they wouldn't sleep butt to butt. They'd sleep penis to butt to sleep.
You know what I'm saying? As a pirate would go port support, you're going butt to butt. You're a heiny pirate.

Speaker 1 Butt pirate. Where does butt pirate come from? What's that about?

Speaker 1 What does it say? A rudy queer man who likes to ram his schooner into another man's glory hole. Well, that's just fun to say, I guess.
Yes. That's just nautical talk.

Speaker 1 There just seems to be a lot of urban definitions for it. No origin.
Oh, he's trying to say black, and he is afraid to say. Hey, it's Rudy.
Hey, Rudy's here. Come on in.
Let's give it up for the Rudy.

Speaker 1 Hey, Rudy. How are you doing, Rudy?

Speaker 1 Are those Kanye West boots? No. Those are dope.
Put your mic up to your face. We got started without you, but we're happy that you're here.
It's okay.

Speaker 1 Does Rudy know what's going on? It's her young ears. It's too much.
Does Rudy know what's going on? The house she lives in is with the guy that we're. Yeah.
So she knows. Okay.
Do you know

Speaker 1 young earners? Let's ask. Okay.
Rudy.

Speaker 1 Do you know that Uncle Bobby went to rehab? You know, Tito went to rehab? Yesterday. Yeah.
So there, of course, you know. She lives there.
Okay. You know, you know, she's, she acts innocent.
She's 40.

Speaker 1 You're 40.

Speaker 1 You're a 40-year-old Filipino, man. No, I'm funny.

Speaker 1 Oh, hey, Rudy. What's up? How did you learn today? How was school? Anything good?

Speaker 1 I didn't go to school. Oh.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I switched classes and I just didn't go to school.

Speaker 1 George. What? What the fuck is going on?

Speaker 1 She did not report back to me this information. I like this.
Little sneaky snake. She's out.
What were you up to then? What did you do when you didn't go to school? I was trying to watch Casino.

Speaker 1 The movie Casino? you watched it yeah wow my favorite you like it i'm so proud of you it was okay

Speaker 1 what why it's like one of the greatest movies of all time what what didn't you like about casino i like that there were a lot of like

Speaker 1 stabbing yeah

Speaker 1 killing

Speaker 1 a lot of angry men yeah angry men you do you like that you like angry men sometimes like

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 that's my thing yeah

Speaker 1 so wait the stabbing you liked what would did you have a favorite scene do you remember one scene that you liked? I just like, what's his name? Robert. De Niro.
I just like that he was

Speaker 1 giving

Speaker 1 Ginger a lot of jewelries. I like that.

Speaker 1 Right. The whole movie.
That's your favorite part. That's it.

Speaker 1 That she gets a lot of jewelry. What's your favorite movie of all time? I don't know.
Don't ask me that question. She hates those questions.
You can't do that. But do it again and do it more.

Speaker 1 Okay, how about this?

Speaker 1 Okay, what is your favorite favorite movie with an asian american or with an asian lead of all time who's your favorite asian actor or actress jet lee

Speaker 1 who's your favorite asian

Speaker 1 tito bobby really tito bobby's your favorite i like not as an actor just as an asian

Speaker 1 he's your favorite asian of all time

Speaker 1 yeah i guess he's up there for a lot of people's favorite asian i mean he's up there

Speaker 1 that's an interesting question like i wonder if you posed who's your favorite asian on twitter if a lot of people would say Bobby Lee. I would say mine are Lisa Ling.
Love. Yao Ming.
Love.

Speaker 1 It's got a rhyme now.

Speaker 1 Okay. Chingo Bling.
Chingo Bling.

Speaker 1 Sing Sing. But my overall favorite Asian is Kim Jong-un.
Yeah, he's the best. Number one.
You like Kim Jong-un?

Speaker 1 Isn't he the president of North Korea? He's the leader. They don't have parents.
I think he's the big dog. He's the big papa.
Yeah. He's an actor.
Yes. Yes, he is.
He's acting like

Speaker 1 he's acting like he doesn't want to kill everybody all the time. But he does.
He's acting like he might not bomb us all, but he's going to. That's where Bobby Rayleigh went.

Speaker 1 He defected back home to North Korea. Imagine.
How funny. Imagine they loved him.
I could see that Kim Jong-un loving him if they loved him. Kim Jong-un loved.
He loved Dennis Rodman.

Speaker 1 Who else went up there? Didn't Steven Segal go up there or something like that? Probably. There was another famous guy that went up there, and they loved him.

Speaker 1 Rudy, what class were you supposed to be at today? Chemistry. Ooh, you want to

Speaker 1 do some talk about the periodic table of elements? You want to.

Speaker 1 Gold.

Speaker 1 F E. What is F E?

Speaker 1 F E is iron.

Speaker 1 He didn't even know that. No.
You didn't know that. I did.
No. F E, no.
F E is

Speaker 1 one of my favorite Asians.

Speaker 1 What is gold? A G. Yeah, A G is easy.
That's because I like A G.

Speaker 1 What is barium? Ooh.

Speaker 1 A or B-R? B-A or B-R? I think B-R is barium, but I'm not really sure. Yo, B-A, baby girl, got it.
Do you want to work it somewhere in.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 I don't understand what the point of chemistry and these classes are. At your age, at 20 years old, why would you need to know chemistry?

Speaker 1 Because my major is biology, and in biology, you need to take chemistry. Your major is biology? I've never known that.
I like it.

Speaker 1 I thought you were doing something with animals. Yeah.
Yeah, she's dissecting them. Are you just killing them? You're slicing them up.
I don't want to do that.

Speaker 1 I did that, I was a physical therapist, so I had to go through all that class. I dissected uh gerbils, rats, cats, humans.

Speaker 1 How come you had so many gerbils on hand?

Speaker 1 Chris, Chris, yes, and we all want to thank Chris in class for bringing home the gerbils to stay safe with him. Yes, and they come back very excited and very wise for some reason.

Speaker 1 Like they can figure out anything.

Speaker 1 They know how to get around. And they're all a new coat of brown.

Speaker 1 Did I ever tell you? Do you know people put gerbils in their butt? No. This is a real thing.
Yes. Why?

Speaker 1 Because it just gets in there and rummages around and kind of hits the prostate a lot. And, you know, it's a nice orgasm.
Because

Speaker 1 your tush, inside of your tush, is a maze, pretty similar to what they run them through for testing. Do you know your butthole is a maze?

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. Your butthole's amazing.
You know how everyone has an individual ear? Every ear canal looks different? Your butthole looks like that inside.

Speaker 1 And they used to have gerbil butthole races and you let them go at the same time.

Speaker 1 You shoot a little gun and they'd run around your little butthole and they have to go touch your prostate and then

Speaker 1 run all the way back out. But how do you know they touch the prostate?

Speaker 1 Because you come everywhere. Yeah, that's why.

Speaker 1 Bing, ping. That's why, yeah, you know, you see like a lot of nurses, you know, they wear that face shield, COVID.

Speaker 1 A lot lot of them wear gerbil butthole racers 100 judges i saw a nurse on the flight uh by the way what a crazy weekend i want to talk about whoa crazy but i saw a nurse on the flight and she was wearing um scrubs you know what scrubs are yeah

Speaker 1 and why did i ask you like you're like you wouldn't know what scrubs are of course some people wouldn't she didn't know what um

Speaker 1 what what she didn't know what um she's very intelligent something was was before no no no no it's not i know she's very intelligent i know you're very intelligent it's just sometimes it's a it's a youth thing yeah we might have a different word.

Speaker 1 Like if my dad used to say, don't park by the Johnny pump. I was like, what the fuck's a Johnny pump? But it's a fire hydrant.
Is that what they call it? A Johnny pump? Johnny Pump.

Speaker 1 My dad calls a fire hydrant a Johnny pump. Were you with Tampa Tony this past weekend? I was with Tampa Tony this past weekend.
He was wearing diabetic socks.

Speaker 1 The girls loved him. He took about 50 pictures, and now he has a slight cough and body ache.
So see what happens. He's got Roni Rhones.
He might have it, but he said he doesn't give a shit.

Speaker 1 He had a good time in Tampa. Did he get vaxxed? Yeah, he got vaxxed.
He got the boosted.

Speaker 1 My stepmother made him. My stepmother told him it was a flu shot.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's how we should be suckering people to get a vaxx. Yeah, she said it was a flux.
It's a flu shot. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How will they ever know? No, that's what he could. You know, he just, my dad's one of those guys, they have that relationship.
He's been with my stepmom 35 years. My dad doesn't do it.

Speaker 1 Like, the paycheck just goes to her. Like, my dad does nothing.
She just calls him. She feeds him.
He just shows up and he's like, what are we doing? You know, so she brought him to the doctor.

Speaker 1 And he was like, she was like, you know, you at least get your flu shot. And then she had told the doctor before, don't tell him this is the COVID vaccine or he's never going to get it.

Speaker 1 So they just fucking did it.

Speaker 1 I got to tell you, that's a pretty efficient way of getting it done. Yeah.
Did you get the booster? Did you feel sick? Yeah, I was really, I had a headache, sore, and yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you get it? The booster? Yeah. No.
No, because I had the shot and I had COVID.

Speaker 1 And I think it was too close to, I think I'm up officially. I think I'm, what is it called? I'm like eligible for it now in the month of January.
Yeah. So now I'm eligible for it.

Speaker 1 I'm eligible in March. Yeah, because you got the second shot.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I don't know if I want to get the boost, man. Yeah.
Did you guys boost up?

Speaker 1 Didn't do anything to me. Yeah, but you can also.
I got the booster two weeks before I got COVID. Really? Yep.
Yeah. So, yeah, I remember we ate dinner and he called me.

Speaker 1 He was like, by the way, I have COVID. Did you get COVID bad? Were you really sick?

Speaker 1 Nah, it wasn't that bad. You know, there's an article online about people that men are losing penis size because of COVID? I don't believe it, though.
Look it up.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, I've seen the article, but do you believe it? Yes, anything on the internet is believable. But how could you lose penis size? I think that said something about skin shrinkage.

Speaker 1 Like your skin is deteriorating. Well, that's when you got to get warts.

Speaker 1 Well, you got warts. Throw skin back.

Speaker 1 I call it extra skin. Layers? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm like a rainbow cookie. Coronavirus lingers in penis and could cause impotence.
So that's why. I'm smaller.
Because

Speaker 1 I've really been actually having a. Well, you haven't gotten a boner in about 15 years.
It's been very tough to get an erection. You got to

Speaker 1 snap it on the corner. You know, Jasmine's very beautiful, Puerto Rican, but I just, it's like I'm just mashing it up a softy right up against her side.
It's a wet noodle. It's very embarrassing.

Speaker 1 How do you feel about Puerto Ricans? Do you know any Puerto Ricans? No, I don't. I don't have any friends.
No Puerto Rican friends?

Speaker 1 Do you have any

Speaker 1 Mexican island friends, Cubans? I would think the Filipinos. They're not Spanish, I should say, not Mexicans.
They're the Puerto Ricans of Asia.

Speaker 1 Would Filipinos be the Puerto Ricans of Asia? Would the king of China be like the Puerto Ricans are the Philippine? Like the king of Spain would say the Puerto Ricans are the Puerto Ricans.

Speaker 1 And I wonder if the king of China would say the Puerto Ricans are the Filipinos. Is there a king of China? No, but, you know.

Speaker 1 It feels like that. It It feels like it is.
The emperor, whatever his name, Zhi Jianpin. Oh, Zhang Zhizhu.
Zhang Zhizhui Zhifu. I want to go to China so bad just to see the.

Speaker 1 No, they don't want you there. Why? No.
What do you mean? You don't want to go to China. Why? No.
They got pandas in the wild.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true, but you do not want to go to China. Not right now because you're Muslim.
And what they're doing is they're taking Muslim people. What do you mean? I can pray there.

Speaker 1 No, but they're shaving their heads in certain provinces and putting them on trains into concentration camps. Get out of here.
You're a dead, you know.

Speaker 1 I mean, you look as Muslim as anyone I've ever seen. Well, I didn't take up

Speaker 1 Muslimity until very recently, but I've been thinking about it. I've been always thinking, man, I got to be a Muslim at some point.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you're still Christian? Catholic, baby. Catholic, and I'm back at church.
See, it's one of those things where people go, How could you go back to church with all this stuff going on?

Speaker 1 The priestess said, that's why I'm going back. I'm looking for some cock.

Speaker 1 You were an altar boy, weren't you? Oh, yes, I was. Shout out Father Bill.
There was a couple of times. Father Bill.
Father Bill, baby,

Speaker 1 he didn't, didn't, but it was funny. Me on the way.

Speaker 1 Me and my and a couple of my friends who went to the grammar school that I went to and the high school I went to, there was a big article that came out in the New York Times that exposed like a hundred parishes in the New York City area and like 200 priests.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 we were reading that list with our hearts like that. Like, I wonder if one of us got it.
I wonder if one of them got us. One if one of them got us.
And then there was one priest that we all knew.

Speaker 1 And yeah. What's his name? Father Bill.
Oh, Father Bill D. Yeah.
And then, and then we were all like, whoa. And it was me and my three other friends.

Speaker 1 And then one of my friends made me believe he had to take a phone. Well, you know, we didn't know this at the time, but he said, you know, he took a phone call.
He's like, and then he never came back.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, I think he got hit. No, fucking bill.
Well, but you know, you make fun of him. It's what friends are for.
He's dead, by the way. Yes.
He's killed himself from alcoholism.

Speaker 1 Well, what are you going to do? What can you do? You got to hide it somehow, bro. I'm clipped.
I know. That's so weird that you said grammar school.

Speaker 1 My mother says that too, but I said elementary school. Do you know what grammar school is? No.
Do you call it elementary school? Yeah, see?

Speaker 1 Did you grow up in the Philippines?

Speaker 1 yeah. She's still there now.

Speaker 1 She's not here. Oh, that's right.
You're in the Philippines. Yeah, she's in the Philippines.
This is broadcasting from the Philippines.

Speaker 1 She moved here only how many years ago? Two years ago.

Speaker 1 I told you, I don't know if I said this the last time, but when I was a physical therapist, I worked with a lot of Filipino people.

Speaker 1 A lot of them are physical therapists, and they're so good because out of all the Asians, they have the smallest hands.

Speaker 1 They do. That's a fact.
Google. Filipino people have the smallest hands.
She has that's a regular size hand. No, Filipino people have the smallest hands.

Speaker 1 That's why they're very good at massages because they can get in the vertebrae because they have little baby hands. So Filipinos have very, very small hands.
Say, what race has the smallest hands?

Speaker 1 What race has the smallest hands? What do we think? I mean, Filipinos seem Malaysia, Philippines,

Speaker 1 relative lengths of hand size. Do black people have bigger hands than any race? Yeah, they have to.
Yeah, they got it. They have to.
They have to have the biggest hands and the biggest feet.

Speaker 1 Not the biggest penises, though. Who do you think has the biggest penises? I truthfully in my heart believe that I think

Speaker 1 the biggest penises are from

Speaker 1 Mongolian men.

Speaker 1 Irish people. You think Irish people? No, it's a classic that they have small penises.
Irish people, I bet you. Okay, we all know that black.
Google this, please.

Speaker 1 We all know that most likely that the African nation of Africa probably has the men with the biggest penis size.

Speaker 1 Who has the biggest balls is what's more interesting because that's not necessarily black men.

Speaker 1 Who do you think has the biggest balls, Rudy?

Speaker 1 Big sigh. What does Reddit say? Huh? German? She says Germans.

Speaker 1 Chime. You know, when I was younger,

Speaker 1 I was terrible at banking. I was confused.
So bad.

Speaker 1 Overdraft charges. Yeah, I just didn't know how to handle my money.
I didn't know how to manage it. And also, no one was there to help.
But Chime understands that every dollar counts.

Speaker 1 That's why when you set up direct deposit through Chime, you get access to fee-free features like overdraft coverage, getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit, and much more, which definitely would have helped me when I was doing my PA jobs back in the day.

Speaker 1 Also, with qualifying direct deposits, you are eligible for free overdraft up to $200 or debit card purchases and cash withdrawal. You can learn more about it at chime.com/slash bad friend.

Speaker 1 To date, Chime has spotted members over $30 billion, right? You need a little bit of help. You need a little money quicker than normal because something pops up.
It always does.

Speaker 1 You open up a check-in account. with zero monthly fees and no maintenance fees, and you got access to over 47,000 fee-free ATMs.
That's more than the top three national banks combined.

Speaker 1 All those ATMs are there for you to use, and don't get clipped. You got to try Chime.
Work on your financial goals through Chime today. Open an account in two minutes at chime.com/slash bad friends.

Speaker 1 That's chime.com/slash bad friends. Chime feel like progress.

Speaker 2 Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bank Corporate Bank NA or Stripe Bank NA.
Members of FDIC.

Speaker 2 Spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Timing depends on submission of payment file.
Fees apply at out of network ATMs, bank ranking, and number of ATMs according to U.S.

Speaker 2 News and World Report 2023. Chime checking account required.

Speaker 1 Hydro. I got it.
You? They gave me one. I got one at the house.
I love it so very much. It's incredible.
And I'm rowing in the morning and it wakes me up and gets me juiced. Well, what is it?

Speaker 1 What is it? Hydro is your ultimate go-to for ultimate full-body workout.

Speaker 1 How ultimate is it? You may ask. It works 86% of your muscles, arms, legs, and core, twice as efficient as cycling or running.
Just 20 minutes. All it takes to feel the results.
And this is true.

Speaker 1 I do it for 15 to 20 minutes in the morning, and I feel so good for the rest of the day. People have seen traditional old rowers.
The old ways are gone.

Speaker 1 Hydro's newest rower, the Hydro Arc, delivers such powerful results. GQ magazine named it the best rower of 2025, and I agree.
You've convinced me I'm getting a hydro today. We should get you one.

Speaker 1 Head over to hydro.com and use code Bad Friends to save up to $600 off on a hydro rower during this holiday season. That's hydro, H-Y-D-R-O-W dot com.

Speaker 1 Code, of course, is Bad Friends to save up to $600.

Speaker 1 Hydro.com, code is Bad Friends. HelloFresh.
Hey, with HelloFresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients, and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep.

Speaker 1 Skip trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit.
I use HelloFresh at my own house.

Speaker 1 They send it to my front door, and I love it so much. Look, am I a good cook? No, but do they tell me how to use all that stuff? Yes.
They got quick and easy meals.

Speaker 1 They got 20-minute recipes, low prep, easy cleanup. It's 72% cheaper than a restaurant.
And the meal's the same quality.

Speaker 1 You can save an average on $65 a month when when you order HelloFresh instead of grocery shopping. That's more money put towards those 2022 goals of yours.
All right.

Speaker 1 HelloFresh offers 50 different market menu items to choose from, including they got veggie, calorie, smart. If you're feeling a little pudgy, wudge.

Speaker 1 Family-friendly, gourmet options, providing plenty of variety. Recipes like hibachi, sweet soy, brevet, steak, and shrimp.
Wow, that's Bobby and me.

Speaker 1 Bring restaurant quality meals right to your kitchen while their white cheddar wonder burgers make it easier to skip the takeout, my friend. I love it.
I use this at the house. It's very simple to do.

Speaker 1 And if I'm so stupid and I can do it, you can do it. Go to hellofresh.com slash bad friend16.
Use code BadFriends16 for up to 16 free meals and three free gifts. Come on.

Speaker 1 HelloFresh.com slash BadFriend16. Use the code BadFriend16 for up to 16 free meals and three free gifts.
HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Policy genius.

Speaker 1 Hey, life insurance can give you peace of mind that if something happens to you or your loved ones

Speaker 1 would have a financial cushion for rent, mortgage payments, loans, education costs, and everyday expenses, right? You never know what's going to happen.

Speaker 1 Bobby might turn up at a ditch someday by the hands of me, and we need some insurance to protect that. Having life insurance through your job may not be enough.

Speaker 1 And a lot of people don't have insurance through their job. Most people need up to 10 times the coverage that they have to properly provide for their families.
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 And Policy Genius is your one-stop shop to find and buy the insurance that you need. Click on the link in the description.
Head to policygenius.com and answer a few questions.

Speaker 1 In minutes, you can compare personalized loan quotes from top companies to find your lowest price. You could save 50% or more on life insurance by comparing quotes with Policy Genius.

Speaker 1 Don't go out there blind. Help Policy Genius find the light.

Speaker 1 The team of licensed experts, Policy Genius, are going to help you understand your options and apply for the best policy that they can find. The team works for you, not the insurance companies.

Speaker 1 You can trust them to offer an unbiased help and advocate for you at every step until you're covered. All right.
Policy Genius doesn't add extra fees.

Speaker 1 It doesn't sell your info to third parties like Facebook does. Policy Genius has thousands of five-star reviews across Google and TrustPilot.

Speaker 1 Since 2014, Policy Genius has helped over 30 million people. So many people shop for insurance and placed over $120 billion in coverage.
Go to policygenius.com.

Speaker 1 Head to policygenius.com to get your free life insurance quotes to see how much you could save. What is this? Ethnicity and penis size? Biggest testicles, that's what I want to know.
Penis girth.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Wow, East Asian, the smallest on both.
Smallest balls, huh? And smallest girth, unfortunately. Now, what does it matter if you have big balls? Does it mean anything if you have big balls?

Speaker 1 I would think that it would mean, I would think a woman would look at a man's testicles, and the bigger, the better, because I think it might subconsciously tell her there's more sperm in there, higher chance to get me pregnant, which is what subconsciously just sex is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know, but look, at the gym that I go to, I see guys shower sometimes. I see guys with massive, massive balls and really small penises.

Speaker 1 So that's an offset.

Speaker 1 That can't, nobody wants huge balls with a small penis. You'd rather have regular balls and a regular penis.
What I have that's unfortunate is

Speaker 1 I have

Speaker 1 relatively small testicles, but a huge sack.

Speaker 1 So you got so much gum down. It's just so much skin.
It's so much excessive. Did you ever stretch it over your hand like a watch? You know guys that could do that in high school? No, no.

Speaker 1 Did you ever stretch it over your you could pull it over your wrist? Could you guys you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I've somebody puts their can you do it, Carlos? I feel like I can actually.

Speaker 1 You have big enough balls? Yeah. Oh, that's nuts.
Rudy, come on. Cut it out.
Being gross. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and Jasmine has my sack.

Speaker 1 She's using it like a blanket, like a snuggie. It's a snuggie?

Speaker 1 That's a love sack? Yeah. It's a bean bag.
My nuts are beanbag.

Speaker 1 I just would rather not have huge balls in a really small penis because I see guys in the gym sometimes, and they're older guys, because your balls just never stop.

Speaker 1 It's like your ears, nose, and your balls. Now, I'll tell you what.

Speaker 1 I know you probably don't know this, but I'm being dead serious, and I know he's a close friend of yours, but there's no way in hell Travis Kelsey doesn't have a huge cock with huge balls.

Speaker 1 There is no possible way he doesn't have at least eight with, I would say, maybe his testicles might hang 10, 11 inches. We measured the other day.
Oh, you've seen it? Yeah, I went to his house.

Speaker 1 I was at his house literally after the game yesterday. We measured.
See that Voss bottle? Yes.

Speaker 1 That's about the length and the girth

Speaker 1 soft.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, does he have kids? No, not yet. Because I was going to say it's going to be hard to impregnate because you kill every woman you have sex with.
Yeah, he does. He's killed about 13 women.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's insane. Yeah.
He's the best. I love him to death.
And the great win for the Kansas City Chiefs. I got a lot of hate online.
Was people are like, oh, you're a Bears fan.

Speaker 1 Like, dude, if one of your good buddies was a Hall of Fame tight end and was going in the playoffs, you'd go and root for them too because that's fun to do.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my father's the biggest Yankees fan of all time, like diehard Yankees fan.

Speaker 1 There was a show that I was doing in the city once, and it was being hosted by David Ortiz.

Speaker 1 My dad was there in the front row, like a little fucking girl, salivating, waiting to just get a picture with David Ortiz.

Speaker 1 I love the sports. I just love sports.
Yeah. I love the sports.
What am I going to tell Kelsey? It's like, shut up. These people are idiots.
They're idiots.

Speaker 1 No, but they were like, oh, fair weather fan. You're like, okay, so I shouldn't go have fun.

Speaker 1 So I'm encouraging my buddy to go. I'm going to go in a place to where I have friends with NFL athletes, and I shouldn't go to their home after they just got to the AFC championship.
It's insane.

Speaker 1 It's so dope.

Speaker 1 Did you guys stay out till 5 o'clock in the morning? We partied until I had to leave. My flight literally left this morning.
I left Kansas City at 6.33 a.m.

Speaker 1 Your flight left?

Speaker 1 I landed in LA at 9 a.m. So you had to be on the plane, be at the airport by 5.30.
Yeah, I literally went from the house to the hotel, grabbed my shit, and went to the airport.

Speaker 1 Zero, zero, not one second of sleep in Kansas City after the game. No, I probably, I mean, I was packing.
I probably slept on the plane two hours of the three-hour and 20-minute flight.

Speaker 1 Did you, did you? I'm buzzing right now, buddy. Were all the guys and I lost my voice, you can hear.
How long did they stay at Kelsey's house for you? Everybody was there for a long time.

Speaker 1 Kelsey's the party house. I mean, it was last night.
Yeah. It was awesome.
Was Patrick Mahomes' brother there?

Speaker 1 Was his brother there?

Speaker 1 His brother was in the suite, was in their suite, and then they they came over to say. His brother, the people, yeah.
But his wife came, Brittany came, and

Speaker 1 Pat hung out for a long time, and then he left, and then Trav and everybody were playing beer, just drinking. Did coach Andy Reid come or no? Andy Reed stopped by.
Really? I'll buy you a cheeseburger.

Speaker 1 That's what he said. No, he would have never.
Can you imagine? I wonder what a coach like Andy Reid does when he's done, when he wins something like that. Where does he go?

Speaker 1 Sits in a drink.

Speaker 1 I think he probably goes to a Denny's. Yeah.
Yeah, just hangs out. Yeah, I think he goes to a Denny's.
Maybe he just, I think he probably puts on the local news. Look at the Walrus, man.

Speaker 1 He's the boss.

Speaker 1 That guy's the shit.

Speaker 1 What does he look like to you? What kind of guy does he look like, Rudy? Like, does that guy look like a sweet white guy, an angry white guy, a cool?

Speaker 1 He's like a pedophile. Okay.

Speaker 1 Interesting. All right.
Yep. You think he does? Yeah.
Yeah. Why is it the way he's holding the football? What is it?

Speaker 1 Look at that. Oh, is he saying? Shen, send over one kid.
What is that? I like his eyes and mustache. No, he's not.
He's a sweet, smart, wonderful man.

Speaker 1 You lost a ton of weight. She says that about everybody.
She said that about Carlos. She said, Carlos looks like a creepy.
Oh, I didn't say that. Yes, he does.

Speaker 1 Carlos does look, he looks like a creep, Carlos. But that's the irony: Carlos looks more pedophilic.

Speaker 1 Carlos like this, but then when he takes his hat off, it's bad.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's more pedophilic? You've never seen all this earlier. Is that a word pedophilic?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Okay, how about now? How about now? Wait, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 1 Is it on camera?

Speaker 1 All right, how about now?

Speaker 1 Now, against Andy Reid, beautiful, the wonderful Walrus, and this man. Who do you think? Come on.
Why am I looking at the camera? Carlos, it's a bit scary. Carlos, it's a bit scary.

Speaker 1 But now put a hat on. Put a hat on.

Speaker 1 And normal sweet guy. Yeah.
There it is. Take it off.
Take it off. Hide your kids.
Yeah. Put the hat back on.

Speaker 1 Hide your wife.

Speaker 1 This guy, a babe magnet. Dude, when he took his hat off at the Trash Tuesday podcast, I almost fell out of my fucking chair.
Why don't you buzz it now?

Speaker 1 I like it. I think it's funny.
Can I tell you too? do too? It is, but can I tell you something? It's confidence. You know why? Because you have a handsome face.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Because you have very nice eyes and you have a very handsome face. So it doesn't even matter.
You pull it off, and I've seen Ari Shafir grow his hair out like that. Same thing.

Speaker 1 And it looked, it's so, because it's so, or a guy Stavros. Yeah, I love Stavros.
This dude's so funny. He's so insane.
And I think a woman looks at us like, this dude is so confident.

Speaker 1 He must have a huge cock and I'm gonna blast my place. Blash me, break my back.
Yeah. But are you single right now? Yeah.
The young man is out on the prowl. So, ladies, write into

Speaker 1 Gimme That Beefy Bald at gmail.com, and we'll try to set you up the date with Carlos. Are you interested in going on some dates with

Speaker 1 some of the field? Yeah. Open it up, dude.
Time into it. You might as well, you know?

Speaker 1 Because otherwise, one day you're going to turn around, you're going to flip around, and you got two kids with Puerto Rican, and you're living in Staten Island, and you're floating away.

Speaker 1 You know what it is? You got your cholesterol is at about 280. I need my second divorce, so let's get.
Did you get divorced with that?

Speaker 1 Whoa, and you're a young guy.

Speaker 1 What happened? Just didn't work out. We should have just probably been.
How long into the marriage did you know you fucked up?

Speaker 1 Like a minute, like four years, I would say.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute.

Speaker 1 You guys are still cool, though, right? No, she lives in Portland now. It didn't end well.
Well, I mean, like, we, I thought we were cool. And then I looked at her Instagram like

Speaker 1 a year and a half

Speaker 1 after our divorce. Like, I didn't look at all.
And I saw. She was at all of Andrew Santino's comedy shows.

Speaker 1 Front row with her tits out.

Speaker 1 You know, it's funny as I thought that that was going to be the case. She was going to be like partying and stuff and like going out with rock stars or whatever.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, she's been in a relationship like the whole time. And she just had a baby

Speaker 1 last week. That stings a little bit.
Did you congratulate her on the baby? No, of course not. Yeah.
What if they named the baby Carlos? How fucking what a strain? Oh my god.

Speaker 1 It's a good name.

Speaker 1 Does that bother you a little bit that she has procreated with someone else? I'll tell you this. It's so weird, but it did not bother me at all.
Not even a little bit.

Speaker 1 No, I was so excited to tell my therapist. Like,

Speaker 1 every time I was like, oh, she has a boyfriend. I don't care.
It's weird. She has a baby.
She's pregnant. Whatever.
I never care.

Speaker 1 It's funny, like, he comes into his therapist with his hair and his head like that, and he's like, it doesn't bother me. He's fucking looking at you.

Speaker 1 She's like, would you like some medication? Would you like some Xanax?

Speaker 1 Do you like Carlos more or less now that you've seen him without a hat on? Yeah. I like him more.
See?

Speaker 1 Wow. Because you got a sweet smile.
You do. You got a really nice smile.
And you've always had like a nice, sweet face. I think that's what it is, though.
It's like people don't even see it.

Speaker 1 They just see your beautiful little smile. Now, did you swap out Carlos with Fancy? Because they're like a Spaniard first fancy.
Fancy got extradited to Spain for,

Speaker 1 well, he had sex crimes.

Speaker 1 You know what's interesting? Fancy.

Speaker 1 I think he was. What was he doing, George? It was like somebody, he was like shipping old ladies across borders.

Speaker 1 You know how they say, like, you would see those signs at airports that are like, hey, if it's a human trafficking, you know, and like, whatever, please report it.

Speaker 1 This guy was taking geriatric human trafficking to a whole new level. He would

Speaker 1 Alzheimer's patients. Alzheimer's patients.
This guy, he would trick Alzheimer's patients into being. He'd be like, no, no, no, we're going to see your kids.
I'm your cousin. Remember?

Speaker 1 And they were like, oh, my cousin. And he would trick these old women and he'd pimp them out.
He's been pimping old men and women for about four or five years. You know what's so fucking weird? Nuts.

Speaker 1 It's because when I was here the last time, you know, when I was with, I was with my kids, Fancy dropped us off. You know, we went to the market and he dropped us off.

Speaker 1 And then we were unloading the car. And he goes, Hey, do you guys mind if I take one of those boxes of diapers? And I was like, What did he need to do? What do you want diapers for?

Speaker 1 He was like, I just, you know, I just, would you just mind? It's kind of for a bit. But now it makes sense.
He was using them for the small elderly people that fit into my kids' diapers. 100%.

Speaker 1 And they caught him. I think they got 67 or 68 cases of fancy beats.
So where did he go? Do we not know? He's Spain. He got extradited to Spain.
To Spain. To Espana.

Speaker 1 And they're charging him with crimes against Juriatric Romanadith. So he's in trouble, dude.
Who knows if he'll come back? Are you going to miss him? Yeah. Yeah.
You can't get him back.

Speaker 1 I mean, look, if you want to go to... Okay, so we got a letter the other day asking us who wants to go testify on his behalf.
And George and Bryce, myself all said, no, thank you.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to go to court to fight for this guy who's been human trafficking people that are 65 and up. I thought you liked him.
I do, but do you want to go to court for him?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You're willing to go to court for fancy money?

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 What's the reason if he's trafficking old women? And men. And men.
They're old. They're going to die.

Speaker 1 They are going to die. And she's right.
Yeah. Do we really care about the elderly?

Speaker 1 Lisa, let him live.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're right. They are old.
They are. Who's the oldest person that you know?

Speaker 1 My grandma. How old is she? She's

Speaker 1 75.

Speaker 1 That's like my parents. That's so funny.
No, No, it's crazy. Your grandmother.
Yeah, my dad's like 77. 75? That's it.
She's young. And she probably looks young, doesn't she?

Speaker 1 Dude, Islanders, bro, they live forever. I know.
I know. The Islanders, that's my favorite hockey team.
No, it's not. Yes, it is.

Speaker 1 What do you think the diet is that makes the island people live so long? Is it rice and pineapples and stuff? Fish, right? It's a lot of fish. A lot of fish.
You guys don't eat a lot of bread.

Speaker 1 No real sweets, right? There's no desserts in the Asian culture.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're red. What do you eat? No, no, no, but nothing like deep, starchy, sugary.
It's like fruit desserts. Wait a minute, though.
Carlo, look at it.

Speaker 1 It's the average age of the Philippines is 71 years. So, by the way, it seems better to live in North Korea than it does in the Philippines.
North Koreans lasted how long? 83? 83, 323.

Speaker 1 South Korea was 83. Oh, sorry.
Oh, North Korea has got to be way longer. No, it's slower.
Oh. What's the average? I wonder why.

Speaker 1 Who's the longest lifespan? Is it the Japanese? Oh, it's got to be like the Swedish or something, the Swiss or something. You know what I mean? What are the names?

Speaker 1 I think it's Japan. I bet it comes from treating the LGBTQ community well.
I bet it does too. Hong Kong.
Hong Kong. No, dude.
No, they hate

Speaker 1 these guys are all bigots. Japan is too.
You see, Switzerland, I said Switzerland, number three. I was right.
And Singapore, four.

Speaker 1 Interesting. Yeah.
Look at this. We're not even in the top 10.
What year do you want to die at? If you perfectly, what age would you like to die at? Perfect. Would you do a thing if you could?

Speaker 1 Both questions for everybody. Would you do a thing right now if you said you're going to die at this age?

Speaker 1 But you might, if you picked it, though, you're going to live to that age, but it doesn't matter. You could be a paraplegic.
You're going to stay alive to that age.

Speaker 1 100. 100 on the nose.

Speaker 1 I just think there's something cool about dying at 100 you lived a century you ready for this my grandmother died on her 100th birthday shut up i swear she died at about four o'clock in the morning four hours into her 100th birthday and when you turn 100 you get a card from the president so she got a card she's the only person in history we believe she accidentally got a card from president ronald reagan on her 99th birthday saying congratulations being 100 and then she got the second card on her 100th birthday that you know my family opened right before her funeral.

Speaker 1 So she has two cards from President Reynolds Reagan, different dates saying, you know, congratulations. Do you have these cards where? My mother has them, yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 1 I was like, I said to my mom, I said, I don't think there's anybody, like, that might be like a Guinness record. That's my credit.
That's the only thing I could do to sell.

Speaker 1 This next guy coming to the stage, you've seen him on podcasts. His grandmother lived to be 100, got a letter from the president.
Chris Debana. Yeah, come see me.
I never heard of that.

Speaker 1 That the president sends you a letter with the camera. I don't know if it still happens, but they got a letter.

Speaker 1 Probably stop with Obama. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Now you get a fucking email.

Speaker 1 Imagine how much I got. They don't even bother to send.
You know what? You know what? You know what? Papa don't even say you send you an email. They don't even write letters no more.
Fuck them all.

Speaker 1 Oh, look at that. Does the president send you a letter on your 100th birthday? No.
The president does not call

Speaker 1 birthday on other greens.

Speaker 1 Oh, you can.

Speaker 1 You can request. You can request a birthday.
Through my family. Do you request it? Where have we been?

Speaker 1 Dude, maybe my family. You know, my grandfather, great-grandfather fought in World War I, and he used to tell stories about World War I that were nuts.

Speaker 1 There's a documentary called They Shall Not Grow Old that Peter Jackson, who directed Lord of the Rings, he colorized and put words into, like had lip syncing experts take this old World War I footage and colorized it and made like the real thing.

Speaker 1 Dude, it was...

Speaker 1 out of control. You know, my grandfather used to say this.
He says a lot of guys would die in the toilet. And I was like, what do you mean? I remember being like 12 years old.

Speaker 1 He was like, yeah, guys would die in the toilet. Like they'd be so weak that their heads would just fall into the toilet and like they were drowned in, you know, shit and piss.

Speaker 1 And then they said that word for word, pretty much in the documentary. They're like a common way to die because they were all dying of

Speaker 1 dysentery.

Speaker 1 So they said they had no energy. So something would happen where they would just fall into a toilet.
And then that's it. Look at Don DePettis here.
Oh, you pig perv. Pig perv.

Speaker 1 Speaking of pedophile, here, look, go, go a little bit closer.

Speaker 1 How about this idiot? Does he look like a pedophile? What do you think? A little bit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But is it worse than Carlos? Yeah, who's worse? No, I like Carlos. We like Carlos.
We like Carlos. We like Carlos.
This guy, look at this guy. This guy gave me COVID.
Fuck you.

Speaker 1 He gave me COVID. He's the one that went.
He's the one. He's the one.
Don. That's his legend, is that he gave me COVID.
That's what I bring up onto stage as.

Speaker 1 We're doing the Agora Theater in Cleveland.

Speaker 1 This guy gave Santino COVID. Yeah.
But you know what? No one else really got it. No one else really got it.
How was the show in Kansas City, by the the way? Did it turn out okay? The theater?

Speaker 1 I had a great time. St.
Louis, Kansas City was so fun, man. I had a great time.
Those Midwest people came out in droves, man. And the theaters were really nice.

Speaker 1 You did them doing them? I'm not doing St. Louis and Kansas City.
I'm doing the Warner Theater in Washington, D.C. on February 11th.
And on February 12th, I'm doing the Tabernacle.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're doing it. In Atlanta.

Speaker 1 And then Agora Theater and Royal Oak Theater in Michigan, in Detroit, Agora and Cleveland, March 4th and 5th. Those I heard are fun.
Those I heard are fun. Are you doing those?

Speaker 1 And then, guess what? Me and you are doing Green Bay. Green Bay.
Wisconsin. We're doing Green Bay, Wisconsin, March 24.

Speaker 1 4? March 23. 3.
March 23, Green Bay. March 24th, I'm at the win in Las Vegas.
March 25th, you're at the win in Las Vegas. Wait, I thought it was March 27th.
Okay, so I'm March 25th at the win.

Speaker 1 You're right. I mean, it doesn't really matter.
March 24th. I do want to look it up, though.
We are playing Green Bay, and you've never been to Wisconsin. I've never been to Wisconsin.

Speaker 1 So we are co-headlining together, you and I, at the Widener Center on March 24th. And then March 25th, I am at the win in Las Vegas.
And March 26th, Andrew Santino is at the win in Las Vegas.

Speaker 1 So we just make it a Chrissy Santino weekend. Look at us.
A Chrissy Tino weekend. Chrissy Tino at the Wiener Center.
Yeah, why did they name it the Widner Center? I don't know. It's pretty stupid.

Speaker 1 You know what we got to do? We got to reach out to somebody

Speaker 1 because it's going to be the offseason. They got to take us over to Lambeau Field.
I've never stepped foot inside, have you? We got to go. You've been? We got to go.

Speaker 1 Did you say the bears there? Did you see the bears play there? No. Who'd you see play there? Nobody.
I never

Speaker 1 been outside. I've never been inside.

Speaker 1 How did you wind up up getting to green bay did you do a show over there once no one time i went to green bay to go visit a family friend uh girl no no no no this is like an older woman an older what were you doing andrew you know

Speaker 1 i was kidnapping her to take her back to fancy bee that perv. He's like, I need some Green Bay pussy for me, for my list.

Speaker 1 So I snacked. No, we went to go see my buddy's aunt,

Speaker 1 and I got to go see it from the outside, but I'd never been in. I've never been to a game up there.
I've never been. I would love to do it.
We got to reach out.

Speaker 1 We're at the the Wiener Center and tell them

Speaker 1 to come on over. Hey, yeah.
We should bring Rudy. You want to go to Green Bay? Rudy's checked out.
What do we do there?

Speaker 1 Okay, the attitude. What do you mean? Well,

Speaker 1 there's breweries that you can drink at 18 there.

Speaker 1 There you go. A lot of big white men.
Look at how nice the weather is. It's 11 degrees outside.
There's cheese curds. You like cheese curds? What are those? A lot of constipated men.

Speaker 1 Show her what cheese cards are. You never seen them? No.
They're like little nuggets of cheese you put on on fries with gravy. What about that? Tell me that doesn't look cheese.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you like fatty food. They squeak when you eat them.

Speaker 1 Don't you think he seems the most pedophilic now after that? They squeak when you eat them. They squeak when you eat them.
Go get your van.

Speaker 1 That should be a sound. That's how you know a good cheese curd.
It's fresh if it squeaks. Well, it kind of does.
It does make a little poppy sound. It does have a little sound.

Speaker 1 I don't love them, to be honest with you. You don't like cheese curds? I don't love cheese curds.
I don't hate them, but I don't love them. Do you like poutine?

Speaker 1 You know how the Canadians, they do cheese curds and gravy.

Speaker 1 Cheese grosses me out get out of town i can't i'll tell you what i can't eat cold cheese i can only eat warm cheeses i can only eat a milky cheese you can't have shredded cheese on a taco that i can eat sometimes but like if if there was a a a cold cheese platter i would not take a bite out of any of it you're nuts charped cheddar you don't want to put a little sharp cheddar on a cracker zero i've never i don't think i've ever eaten that once in my entire life I'm stunned.

Speaker 1 Stunned, right? I do not like a cheese board. You know something

Speaker 1 in my buddy in Maine, maybe it's Maine. No, Vermont.
My buddy from Vermont, he puts a slice of sharp cheddar cheese, tillamook cheddar cheese, on apple pie. Whoa.
Have you ever heard of this? No.

Speaker 1 This is a thing. Vermont, my buddy from Vermont.
Have you ever done that? You ever put cheese on pie? No.

Speaker 1 You don't like pie? You don't like pie. You don't like pie? Apple pie with cheddar cheese.
See? Look at this. Vermont cheddar cheese.
It is Vermont.

Speaker 1 It's a thing up there. They do that.
They put a slice of cheese on the pie with it. And apparently it's knockout.
I haven't done it, but I think I kind of want to.

Speaker 1 Because I'm getting a little porky pork right now. You know what daddy's up to right now? What are you up to? 206.
Whoa, I'm, you know,

Speaker 1 what do you think I'm up to?

Speaker 1 217.

Speaker 1 Baby. 225? 242.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Hey, bad friends. DraftKings Sportsbook has teamed up with the bad friends because they got great offers.
If you're a sports better, you know DraftKings is the best.

Speaker 1 They are the official sports betting partner of the NFL. They got a huge offer for this weekend's big game.
All new customers can get 56 to 1 odds on either team team to win this weekend.

Speaker 1 Just bet $5, just a link in there. And win $280 in free bets if your team is victorious.
That's all you got to do. Sportsbook isn't available in your state yet.

Speaker 1 You still have something to play for this weekend. Everyone can play for their share of millions of dollars in total prices with DraftKings Daily Fantasy Football Contest.
But that's right.

Speaker 1 Just bet $5 on either team to win the big game this weekend. And DraftKings Sportsbook will give new customers an additional $280 in free bets if the team that you choose wins.

Speaker 1 Download that DraftKings Sportsbook app right right now. Use promo code BAD Friends and get 56 to one-odds on this weekend's big game.
Just bet $5 to win 280 in free bets.

Speaker 1 If your team wins, that's promo code Bad Friends at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. ShipStation.

Speaker 1 Hey, me and Bob have talked about ChipStation so much because we use it on this show.

Speaker 1 If you are someone who is looking to keep track of what you're selling on the interwebs, online shopping isn't slowing down anytime.

Speaker 1 this season right now it's in full effect so if your business is ready to keep pace or not, you're going to find out. With ShipStation, you'll never worry about shipping ever again.

Speaker 1 Make the switch to a solution that handles all your shipping needs quickly, affordably, and painlessly. They already are trusted by over 100,000 e-commerce sellers.

Speaker 1 Funnel all your orders into one simple interface, no matter what you're selling. You can manage every order, Amazon, eBay, Etsy, your own website, anywhere or your phone.

Speaker 1 Save money when you compare carrier options and choose the best shipping solution every single time. ShipStation works with every single carrier.
I'm telling you, they find the best fit for you.

Speaker 1 Save your sanity. Your orders are handled with care because shipstation is the best.
Ship more and less time with shipstation. Use our offer code bad friends to get a 60-day, two-month free trial.

Speaker 1 That's two months for free of no-hustle, stress-free shipping. Just go to shipstation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page, and type in bad friends, ship station, make ship happen.

Speaker 1 Fatty Patty. Look at my little fatty patty.
Oh, daddy got the dice. 242? Are you really? 242.
My God. I'm fat.
You're not fat. Do you think it's okay, Rudy, that I'm fat like this? Does he look fat?

Speaker 1 You don't look fat.

Speaker 1 But I feel fat. And that's what it's about.
It's about how you feel.

Speaker 1 You're never going to get fat. No, she doesn't even eat apple pie.
Do you know any islanders that are fat? Is there any Filipinos back home that are fat? My mom and dad. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Are they short and fat? No, my mom and dad are pretty tall. What do they eat to make them fat? Because most people, I feel like, in the Philippines, aren't fat.
Pork, a lot of pork.

Speaker 1 Pork products are bad for you. We're going to get bombed for this episode.
This episode's bombing.

Speaker 1 This episode is bombing.

Speaker 1 Nah, we're doing it. No, we're doing good.
We're having a good time. You know what? We're thrown off because Dad lost his voice.

Speaker 1 Our dear friend Bobby, in all seriousness, had to go away to go get help, and we're proud of him and we're happy. And I hope he finds what he needs.
That's what I think I'm supposed to say now.

Speaker 1 I hope you find what you need. I'm seriously, I'm not even lying.
I'm seriously, truthfully considering taking testosterone. No.
You don't think I should do it? I mean, I think the downsides.

Speaker 1 You know, look. What's the downside? Doesn't it shrink your balls? Yeah, but my balls are already small.
Yeah, so you want smaller balls?

Speaker 1 Because my sack is, they're not growing into my sack, they would have by now. Oh, you got so much sack.
I told you, my test is extremely small.

Speaker 1 But you got so much sack left over, you just want it to be just a sack. So you could, silly putty, you could roll the newspaper on it and read it.
Yeah. Yeah, my, my nut, it's, it's so much skin.

Speaker 1 It's like, it's like actually like insane. Is your balls are sensitive? If I tapped your balls,

Speaker 1 do you flinch like that? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I do. I have very hypersensitive balls.
Because a little tiny. Because they're very tiny, and my sack is just so thin.
It's like a cape.

Speaker 1 It's a little cape for your ball, your little Superman balls. It's a little cape.

Speaker 1 They're on their nut cape. Yeah.
And

Speaker 1 is it hard to trim your nuts because your sack is so loose and bad? I can't shave my pubes because Jasmine thinks I'm cheating on her if I shave my pubes. Wait a minute.

Speaker 1 She doesn't want you to clean up? I'm not allowed to. I have to have a full bush at all times.

Speaker 1 I can shave them, but it causes a fight for a year because she'll, like, I'm very itchy right now, and especially with the the heat on like i would love love to shave my pubes before this trip but i can't because if i do that she will be like you're cheating on me and i'm like i'm not what if i am but i'm not what if you shave your pubes while you're at home then she'll think i i can do that but i then i can't i there was one time where i shaved my pubes and then i had to cancel a couple of dates

Speaker 1 couple of nicks yeah couple of nicks

Speaker 1 no no no no no because if i i if i'm gonna shave my pubes you gotta stay at home i gotta stay at home i cannot get on a plane or go anywhere i can't even go outside i get so scared every time i trim honestly always it's i don't care if they've got the newest technology i get scared every time i do it don't you get scared every time yeah i get a little nervous i just think of the like you i don't know if they're a sponsor but do you use manscaped yeah because that are their sponsor yeah they are great yeah no we've talked about it manscaped is actually love them but i'm just saying i still get scared i don't care right i still get scared because it's two razors going like this to my nutsack I still get scared.

Speaker 1 I see like an old movie when someone's in a barber shop, you know, and he's like, and they, you know, like catch up packet and they fake it.

Speaker 1 In my mind, I'm like, I bet you that's, I'm just going to get too close and my nut's going to and flood out.

Speaker 1 It's just one ball.

Speaker 1 It's just stringy hair. Like, to be honest with you, my pubic hair looks a little bit like Carlos's head.
Let me see. That's what, see, like, it's, it's stringy like that.
It's stringy. The top, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm like, Carlos looks wild. Yeah.
He's a wild-looking guy. He might look more nuts than Stavros.
He kind of, you know, he right now you look like guy. Pull up Stavros.
Can we pull up Stavros? Um,

Speaker 1 comedian, S-T-A-V-R-O-S Stavros. Yeah, is it just

Speaker 1 Halakis? Halakis. Yeah, there we go.
I mean, who looks crazier to you? Who looks crazier? Carlos or Stavros?

Speaker 1 Carlos. Carlos is crazy.

Speaker 1 We'll show him the picture or the picture of one when he lost his tooth. Go to that one.
Because his tooth fell off. How about now? No.
Still Carlos. Still Carlos.

Speaker 1 I don't know this for a fact, but I'm just assuming. And I'm sure if we could get in touch with him, he would let us know.
By the way, he's one of the funniest comics around.

Speaker 1 He's funny. But I bet you he gets a ton of women because when you go out like that, you are so oozing with confidence to a woman.
I bet you he gets a ton of girls. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 But you think he's attractive? Truthfully.

Speaker 1 You don't? I think he pulls it off. Who's a very handsome man to you? Oh, God.
We've done this on this. Oh, you have.
I'm sorry. No, no, but it's fine.
But go ahead. Handsome man.

Speaker 1 She loves Harry Styles. Harry Styles.
She can't get enough of this guy. She fucking looked.
She cannot.

Speaker 1 Right. I just disagree.

Speaker 1 why not it just because he looks and this is not don't get mad at me community uh communities he looks too femme he just doesn't that's fine that's what makes him hot no you know i i want a tough guy no i don't want you just elbow to throw me around yeah i want someone to beat the out of me that's what i like that's why i like tom hardy because i know he's gonna headbutt me and then suck my cock yeah

Speaker 1 who who out of the comics do you think is there anybody handsome pete davidson i know we did this thing she did this she talked about this it drives me nuts so not me

Speaker 1 no no

Speaker 1 not even a little bit pdd pdd we know pdd very well i was with pdd uh last week at the patrice o'neal benefit dude bob's uh rock rich voss rich voss is you know rich voss yes so so far rich voss he was killing us at the patrice o'neal benefit he hosted the show he opened up the show there's 2700 people there he opens the show he goes um he goes what's up, everybody?

Speaker 1 Welcome to the show. He goes, Bob Sagett told me he'd rather be dead than be in a lineup with Pete Davidson.

Speaker 1 He's like, Bob Saget had died like two days before.

Speaker 1 Then he's bringing me onto stage. Oh, my God.
He brings me onto stage and he whispers in my ear, he goes, Patrice would have hated you. Have a good show.

Speaker 1 Did you know Patrice? No. I never met him.

Speaker 1 I always loved that guy. I thought he was so.
Yeah. I don't know.
It was like part of that era of guys that were just way above and beyond us.

Speaker 1 Then he goes, then he goes, then he goes, come on, guys, let's end the show before Nikki Glazer writes a song about Patrice. Because you heard that thing where she wrote about it.

Speaker 1 She wrote a song about Bob Sanders. Yeah, which I thought was funny.
It got passed to me by like five different people. Yeah, it was funny, but it was just like good bits.

Speaker 1 Did you listen to it? I didn't listen to it, no.

Speaker 1 But oh, it's a sincere song. I don't know.

Speaker 1 It got sent to me a few times. I didn't see it, but I saw it that she posted it.
Well, Nikki's cool enough where she would have laughed at that joke if she was in the crowd. Of course.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you got to laugh at your own bullshit. Yeah, we all do.

Speaker 1 She's doing, I just saw her do something else. Now that you made me, she was doing like a Jimmy Fallon.
They have like a game show together. Yeah, she gets a lot

Speaker 1 of shuffling, dude. She's in there, man.
Do you like Nikki? Who's Nikki? Nikki, she's beautiful. I think.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Are you attracted to women at all? Because people under 21, usually, there's no sexual orientation.
Well,

Speaker 1 the lines are blurred. Right.
You're allowed to do whatever you want. So, what did you think? Is she good?

Speaker 1 Hotter than Harry Styles or no? No, Harry Styles is the best. So nobody's hotter than Harry Styles.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 On Earth. But she's also hot.

Speaker 1 She looks German. But you still think Harry Styles is the hottest guy that ever lived.
Harry Styles will wear Nikki Glazer's clothes. That's fine.
And her skin. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's going to rip her skin right off her body and wear it. That's fine.
Yes, Miss Nikki Glazer. No, so you don't, but you don't want a guy, guy, guy, bro guy.

Speaker 1 You like a very soft, sensitive, in touch with his emotions guy? I like anything as long as he's confident. Nobody in the comedy scene.
No dating in the comedy scene.

Speaker 1 Can't do that. She's not dating anyone.

Speaker 1 Well, you do whatever you want. She's not dating anybody, but last time she told us she wanted to get her.

Speaker 1 What did you say? Body count. She wanted her body count to go up.
Oh, my God. I know.
She goes, I want a high body count. I was like, Jesus.

Speaker 1 Right. Wow.

Speaker 1 Jeez. Did your dad ever DV the person of Beast talk? My dad told me, what my dad told me was this.
He said, when I got Jasmine pregnant,

Speaker 1 you know, and now we have a beautiful family.

Speaker 1 When I got her pregnant he said he goes remember your last girlfriend when i said you dodged a bullet with that one and you didn't believe me i go yeah he goes well now with this one you got shot

Speaker 1 he goes it ain't a fatal wound but you got shot you got clipped you got clipped my dad then you got shot again yeah yeah shot twice i got shot while my dad got the booster i i my dad never talked to me about sex really neither did my mother we went to catholic school um and they didn't talk to us about it either So they just refused.

Speaker 1 So I actually never, ever, ever was spoken to about what sex is.

Speaker 1 I remember I asked one of my aunts once, is during sex, do people kiss? And she goes, that'd be nice, but that's not what your uncle does.

Speaker 1 And I remember being seven years old, washing my hands, being like, I don't know what that means. People kiss.
When they have sex, she's like, they spit on each other sometimes.

Speaker 1 It's kind of like kissing. Yeah, she goes, your uncle eats my asshole out a little bit, but.
He kisses my butthole. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you guys have the sex talk when when you were kids with my friends? Do you remember?

Speaker 1 I don't remember really, but I think my dad tried to have it at the mall once with me, and then he was just overfront of Journeys. No, it's like in front of Sabaro.

Speaker 1 I would end up with that. It's a great spot, though.
That's where I took Jasmine out on our second day to a Sabaro. I took her to a Fat Joe concert and then a Sabaro.

Speaker 1 No. I swear to God.

Speaker 1 That's why you guys have kids. That's why.
And I bang, you're going to bang. You're taking a fancy to it.
She goes, this guy really likes me.

Speaker 1 How about this? TT Jerry, who's the transgender Puerto Rican member of my family, she was talking about death the other night. Like, I don't know why.

Speaker 1 She was like, I just want to let you guys know that if I was to die tomorrow, like, you guys, you made me so happy and my life started good and it ended good.

Speaker 1 And she was like, and it's just beautiful because you put me on your broadcast, the Chrissy KO's broadcast. She calls that, she calls podcast.
She goes, you put me on your broadcast.

Speaker 1 Well, it is a broadcast. It's a broadcast.
And she goes, and you just have such a beautiful, and I love you so much. And I started to like tear up.
Like, I was like genuinely like, oh my God.

Speaker 1 And she goes, Chris, why are you crying? She goes, you know, I'm going to be sucking dick in heaven.

Speaker 1 That's how she gets into the gate. My daughter walked, your daughter was eating oatmeal.
She's like, what did Jerry say? I was like,

Speaker 1 they're at the gate. God's like, imagine you cannot get in, TT.
Yeah. He's like, watch me.

Speaker 1 How funny would that be? Like, she just gets in there and starts sucking cock. Like, she's sucking everybody's cock.
Sucking my way through heaven.

Speaker 1 The TT Jerry afterlife story. I don't want to animate that.
She genuinely tries to blow Jesus.

Speaker 1 Why did she talk about death? That's how it is.

Speaker 1 I was upset by it. There's a bunch of like famous last words of atheists.
And for some reason, they had like a list of famous atheists. And I don't know where I saw that.

Speaker 1 Maybe it was like TikTok or some bullshit like that, where a guy is like, unknown facts about den and.

Speaker 1 But it was like the last words. That's creepy, right? Yeah, famous atheists.

Speaker 1 And one of them was like, oh, no, I was so wrong. But like, there was a bunch of them.
Famous atheist last words, unbelievers in death. Voltaire.
What did Voltaire say?

Speaker 1 I'll highlight it. Yeah, Voltaire.
Oh, Thomas Paine is a good one. You know who Thomas Paine is? No, let me see.

Speaker 1 He was the first. Thomas Paine was the man.
He wrote Common Sense. He was like the first

Speaker 1 guy to ever go viral.

Speaker 1 Let's see what his, what did he say? Zoom in on that. Can you hear me?

Speaker 1 He was the Revolutionary War.

Speaker 1 He was the first one

Speaker 1 popping shit against the British. So

Speaker 1 stay with me, God's sake. I cannot bear to be left alone.
Oh, Lord, help me. Oh, God, what have I done to suffer so much? What will become of me hereafter?

Speaker 1 I would give worlds if I had them. That age of reason never been published.
Oh, Lord, help me. Christ, help me.
No, don't leave. Stay with me.

Speaker 1 Send even a child to stay with me, for I am on the edge of hell here alone. If the devil had an agent, I have been that one.
Whoa. Wow.
So he believed.

Speaker 1 But how did they write that down with a feather tip pen, tip it in the ink? There's no way they got it. They had feather boys back then.
They had feather boys. Feather boys.

Speaker 1 Me and you would have been feather boys for sure. 100%.
Yeah, you know. just writing down stuff and sneaking smooches in between feather boys.

Speaker 1 I feel like me and you, like, every time I look at like, you know, old war photos, like colonial times or the Civil War, me and you would be in the back playing the drums. Oh, sure.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And we're just getting hit by cannon fodder. No, like those two little fruitcakes.
Make them play the drums, and we're like, bang. And I'm like, don't bang mine.
Bang, bang, bang.

Speaker 1 We're like, boys, we came up with a new song. We're little drummer boys for sure.
Yeah. Because I wouldn't last a minute in the field.
I'm not going to. I'm not.
Oh, I'd run the other way.

Speaker 1 I'd throw my gun. I'd be like, ah!

Speaker 1 Like right away.

Speaker 1 I'd run to the enemy.

Speaker 1 Say, I'm a traitor. I'm a traitor.
Go right into their arms. Yeah, I would.

Speaker 1 There's not a chance in hell I would have lasted in war. No chance.
The only time I ever lived to over 30 is this time.

Speaker 1 I would have been dead immediately. 20 years ago.
Every other time. 16, 15, you'd have been out.
Done. You'd have had a kid and someone would have killed you for some bullshit.
You owe somebody money.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Kill you.
Done. You can't fight.
Well, and I get so many sore throats or I used to get so many sore throats that I feel like one of them would have killed me back in the day.

Speaker 1 You know, I used to just die of a fever. Why Why did you get sore throats so much? I think, well, because one,

Speaker 1 I was biting my nails a lot. And then I think, two, anytime.
Wait, what, what biting your nails? Biting my nails. Oh, so you got E.
coli, you got bacteria from your nails in your...

Speaker 1 My tonsils are huge. My testicles are small.
My tonsils are big. God swapped them.
Yeah. Fucked up.
So

Speaker 1 my tonsils are so big that a doctor, ear, nose, and throat doctor told me that if I go down on a woman or bite a nail or get any type of bacteria that on a normal person's tonsils would just kind of get washed away.

Speaker 1 But he said, your tonsils are so big, it just gets stuck there. And I get like pus bubbles on my throat, like pus pus.
And how long are you sick for? Like until I take anti-Bs.

Speaker 1 When you take NTB, you're good. Yeah, you would have died in any other.

Speaker 1 You don't ever, what's something about Andrew is when you were going through your COVID stuff, I was talking a lot, you wouldn't even take an Advil. You took nothing.

Speaker 1 You let the immune system knock it out. You almost never, you go years without taking any type of medicine whatsoever.
Yeah, correct. Yeah, I don't like, I never took, my mom

Speaker 1 gave me a warning one time because she had taken a lot of Advil at one time in her life, and it gave her these insane headaches because her body was addicted to taking all this ibuprofen.

Speaker 1 And the doctor was like, yeah, you can't take this every day for a long time. You know, there's people that take Advil like every day.

Speaker 1 When's the last time you took any type of medicine or Advil, anything whatsoever, any type of pain reliever?

Speaker 1 None. I mean, I honestly can't remember.

Speaker 1 The last time I took an Advil was probably like,

Speaker 1 oh, I took, you know what? I do know. When my back was bad, like, what was that, six months ago, seven months ago, when I fractured my back, I took Advil.
That's it, though.

Speaker 1 Once I've seen you taking any type of antibiotic or medicine from a doctor, I don't trust doctors, and you know that. So you have never? I don't trust doctors, and you know that.
Wow.

Speaker 1 I don't trust them. They tell me, get the VEX.
I say, kick rocks. Yeah.
You said, oh, I already got the VAX. Boom, there's my chemical.
I trust the scientists. I uploaded it onto the system.

Speaker 1 The biology scientist over here. Yeah.
Tell me the chemical code. What's the periodic table for

Speaker 1 silver?

Speaker 1 AU. Boom.
Why do I need a doctor? Bang. AU over there.
AU. AU over there.
I got a fake vaccine card. 500 cash.
It comes with a booster. Do you have friends that have fake vaccines? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Nino's Pizzeria. Absolutely.
That's how you get them. Yeah, Brooklyn, baby.
How much are they?

Speaker 1 Okay. This is true.
They were about $200 cash in the summer. Now they're about $500 to $750 because they come with two boosters.

Speaker 1 Because a lot of people are like, oh, you're not going to be able to get it.

Speaker 1 Like, they're pretty much saying the fake guys are saying, you're going to need one booster and then you're going to need a second booster. So we just got you two right here.

Speaker 1 So the cards that you can get for $750, you're good till about 2024. It's so funny, dude.
New York is the greatest city on the world. Great.
Number one.

Speaker 1 And then we got other guys that they take PCR tests and they just Photoshop different dates on you for the PCR test. It's all seamless.
And they email it to you.

Speaker 1 So if you need a PCR to get into somewhere, we got boom, PCRs.

Speaker 1 Well, when we took that party bus out to go watch the Kansas City game and everybody had to get tested and i was with chrissy o'connor you know little chrissy i know little christian

Speaker 1 my little brisket yeah and little brisket was you know like he was so excited because we're like we're with travis's family we're gonna go in the kelcey family booth and like you know he's like living the dream this is amazing and he goes and gets tested and he comes back inside and he's like pacing and he's ripping his vape and he's like twiddling his fingers i'm like what's going on he's like this will be the worst moment of my entire life i'll jump off this fucking building if i can't go to this thing and i realized oh yeah because if one of us comes up you know kobe you're done.

Speaker 1 The whole thing's over. Homeless Pimp didn't come out with me tonight, this trip, because he had COVID.
We were at the Patrice O'Neill benefit. Everyone had to get COVID tests.

Speaker 1 All of a sudden, I go down and do the sound check. I come up.
Pimp's gone. I said, where the hell's Pimp? They said he got COVID tests.
He got thrown out of the building. I was like, whoa.

Speaker 1 Then I texted him. I was like, Pimp, are you okay? He goes, yeah, man, it's fucking bullshit.

Speaker 1 There's no way this test is right. He goes, I feel fine.
There's no way this test is right. He goes, I got a little bit of cough, but it's from smoking weed.
And I was like, yeah, dude, it's bullshit.

Speaker 1 So I got angry, like a little bit. I walked up to the COVID person and I said, hey, you just threw my friend out.
Get him back up here. There's no way that's a positive test.

Speaker 1 He goes, sir, we gave him three PCRs. They're all positive.
I was like, oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but the fourth, what about the fourth? Yeah. Give him four.
Yeah. I mean, what the fuck? Everybody knows four is the magic number.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I can't believe little Rudy Roode hasn't gotten it yet, but neither have I. You're getting it.
You already had it, you pig. I never got it.
There's no way because look at it like this.

Speaker 1 How did you sleep at Donnie Tsunami's house? I never tested. They were testing me.
Yeah, but did you test for antibodies? I've never had the antibodies either. Have you tested? Yes.

Speaker 1 Well, not recently, though. In fairness, not in the last six months.
I think you've had it. Yeah.
There's no doubt in my mind. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just, there's no way. And you're going to get it.
Yeah. I hope you do.
I hope you get it, bad.

Speaker 1 Why? Well, I don't want you to die. I just want you to feel something because you're so numb.

Speaker 1 I just want you to feel a little bit more. But this is the youth.
The youth is a little bit numb. Yeah, they are very numb.
That's fine. I'm not hating on it.
No, be present. Yeah.
Enjoy. Live.

Speaker 1 Are you on your phone a lot or are you not addicted to your phone? I'm addicted. She watches shit all day long.
That's all she's doing, phone or iPad, yeah?

Speaker 1 Never television. No, I don't like it.
Yeah, see, that's interesting because my 11-year-old stepson, we got a big TV for like the family room, thinking like the kids are going to love this.

Speaker 1 They hate it. They'd rather watch movies on the iPad.
They want the smaller screen. Well, because they wanted the big one.

Speaker 1 They want to take it to go. Yeah.
They're a to-go job. The movies, he was getting freaked out at the movies.
He was like, this is too big. I don't like this.
It's too big.

Speaker 1 I wanted to make the movie strong. I know.
It's weird.

Speaker 1 What do you like so much about it? You can take it in the shower, in the toilet, out in the backyard. Yeah, you can just move with it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you feel too harbored by a TV, too stationary.

Speaker 1 It's so weird.

Speaker 1 I mean, listen, it's also like even like my child, my six-year-old, you know, is in school. She has to wear a mask.
And I get angry. I'm like, I want her to see people's face.

Speaker 1 I want to see this, when I see that. But she actually doesn't know the difference.
So

Speaker 1 I'm getting angry at it, but I'm like, my kid, I asked my kid, she doesn't care. She's like, I'll wear the mask, dad.
It's fine.

Speaker 1 Well, because I think they, you know, their life is so so easy those little shits you know she doesn't do anything no by the way get your daughter to get a job no I well she's old enough now I remind her all the time I say Delilah you know daddy loves you and everything like that but I'm gonna need you to hustle a little bit more because remember you're not pure right look at your mom she's mixed look at your mom right

Speaker 1 you're not like daddy you're not like daddy

Speaker 1 bits of daddy right but you're not a full daddy you're so right remember that

Speaker 1 you got to put her back in her place yeah and then she gets it and she you know she runs around she starts you know the cooking cleaning whatever she needs to do.

Speaker 1 Imagine your daughter becomes your maid. Oh, my God.
Dude, my daughter's 10 times funnier than I could ever be. Do you think she'll become a comic?

Speaker 1 She told me recently, she's like, I'm going to be better than you ever were at six years old.

Speaker 1 And she spoke right into my heart. But she's right, though, isn't it? She's right, dude.
She's like, you're not selling well at Warner Theater. I'll sell out two.

Speaker 1 She thinks she can sell two shows at once. She told me, she said, her first words were, fuck Live Nation.
Fuck Live Nation. You know what she said? That's nuts.

Speaker 1 She's an an outback girl who presents her.

Speaker 1 She uses very specific. No, she's funny, my kid.
She goes, we were having a conversation once, and she was like, Daddy, why do you always have to leave? I hate when you leave. I hate when you leave.

Speaker 1 And I was like, baby. You like this house, you little fuck? I know.
Yeah. I said, you like Central AC?

Speaker 1 No. So I said to her, I go, I go, baby, I was like, daddy has to leave because I said, that's where I make money.
And she goes, but we don't need any more money.

Speaker 1 We have this house and I just want you to stay here. And I was like, baby, the American girl dolls.
How am I going to buy you more American girl dolls if I don't go do the shows?

Speaker 1 And she goes, American girl dolls cost money. And I was like, yeah.
And she was like, go to work. I was like,

Speaker 1 and then she just walked away. And I was like, yeah,

Speaker 1 go to work, white devil. Go to work.
And she was like, yeah. And dude, and, you know, I mean, between her mother, you know, and her mother now, you know, is a spin instructor.

Speaker 1 She's got a Patreon, patreon.com slash jazzy method.

Speaker 1 If you want to go work out with Jazzy, and, you know, so, but I have to come out here and do show after show after show, 10 pockets a day and fucking kill myself because she wants to do spin.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, listen, listen, Jazz, you can keep doing the spin, but you better spin that bike a little faster and it better start shitting out Bitcoin because we got no money.

Speaker 1 You're not in Bit though. You're out.
No, you kidding me? I'm Chrissy Crypto. I thought you got out.
I sold and went back in. You sold and went back in.
I went back in.

Speaker 1 I went back in on crypto, on Bitcoin big, Ethereum big, and then I went on some altcoins. Oh, you got altcoins.
Yeah, I got some wild coins. Alt-right coins? Yeah, sir.

Speaker 1 Me and George, me and Georgie got me and Kimmel. Yeah, you know the Kimmel.
Yeah. No, some of the Germans have at least 10 new coins.

Speaker 1 Yes. What do you? Are you in Bitcoin? No, no crypto.
I think I can because I need to pay tax for it. No, you only pay tax when you sell it.

Speaker 1 So if you're going to get it, does T.O. Bobby have one? Bitcoin, or he's not into it? I don't know.
George would know. George would be closer to it than anybody.
I think it's too complex for him.

Speaker 1 There's no way he's Bitcoin. Do you have Bitcoin, George? Oh, of course.
How many bits? You own a couple of bits, full bits?

Speaker 1 I forget how much I own it. He's got like a half.
I started doing the

Speaker 1 market.

Speaker 1 I've got a fund that invests in different coins. Oh, that grayscale thing? I didn't like grayscale.
That one lost me a lot of money.

Speaker 1 So I got a lot of money. How much is a lot of money that you lost? Be honest.

Speaker 1 That one $500. But I got deeper into the other one.
Wait, $500? Yeah. Dollars? Come on, you're fine.
Yeah. That's fine.

Speaker 1 A lot of money? To lose in crypto? I know people that lost like 50 grand.

Speaker 1 That got just murdered. Oh, I lost a lot of money.

Speaker 1 I went in a year and a half ago when it dipped and I bought all this.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, it didn't dip. I just got really hot on Bitcoin and I bought it at like an all-time high, and then it just fucking dipped.
You're gone. Yeah, and I literally, I don't even think about it.

Speaker 1 I actually, what I did is I deleted Coinbase off my phone. Yeah, but I should.
Yeah. And then I listened to one of your friends, Vin Ferruso.

Speaker 1 He was like, I got a real hot tip, and then I lost about five grand sitting at the comedy center. Arfuso, yeah.
Yeah, I was like, way to go. He clipped me too.
Yeah, he clipped me.

Speaker 1 Fucking Palestinian. Fuck.
Yeah, he's hiding our money. Yeah, where are you, Vin?

Speaker 1 Where are you, Vin? He's loving Vince. I love Vin.
I know, I love Vin. He is the best.
Did you watch his documentary? It's good. I did.
Yeah, I actually think it's fantastic. It's good.

Speaker 1 It's really good. It's like insightful onto what's going on.
I know. And you know what? We start talking about that.
YouTube's going to ban us. Oh, you can't even mention it.

Speaker 1 It's like such a volatile world of

Speaker 1 you get over there. You get into this weird world of like,

Speaker 1 whose side are you on? Why do you have to be on a side? I'm not. I'm in the middle, man.
I told you, I am Chrissy right down the middle.

Speaker 1 I've said it many times. I have a Republican haircut, a Democratic brain.
I have white skin. And a

Speaker 1 black girl's ass. Black girl's ass.
But

Speaker 1 you have a Republican haircut, a liberal heart,

Speaker 1 and a

Speaker 1 what's the other party? What's the fake party that everyone likes? The libertarian. You have a libertarian body.
I have a libertarian body.

Speaker 1 You have the tits of a libertarian. Yes, and I have, yes, they're milky, but they're, you know, but they are built from muscle at some point.
And my nut tech looks like Mitch McConnell.

Speaker 1 Imagine he has a great set of nuts. nuts.
Could you imagine he's got like a fucking huge cock? Could you imagine he's been banging AOC this whole time? Yeah. Just punishing her.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's hilarious.

Speaker 1 It's so gross to think about them together. That's a scandal.

Speaker 1 We need another White House scandal again. Yeah.
We need something like that in the White House. Speaking of scandals, you know what I've been watching? You ever seen the show Succession on HBO?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I finished the last of this patch. Dude, I'm into this third season.
I mean, that's the best show I've ever seen in my life. I love it.
Have you seen it? No. That's a good show, I think.

Speaker 1 You'd like that.

Speaker 1 You guys? Yeah, I've seen it. It's so good.
What do you think? I love it. I love Jeremy Strong's character.
Jeremy Strong is fantastic. Kendall.
Yeah, he's so good.

Speaker 1 And I want to live that life a little bit. You want to be that kind of pompous.
You kind of want to be that little piece.

Speaker 1 You know, because when they talk about money, like, you know, like they talk about like, like, they'll give, like, he'll give his son $100 million as a gift. Like, they have like infinity money.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's wild to think about.

Speaker 1 Did you ever know somebody like that? A billionaire? Do I know a billionaire? It's a good question. Do I know a billionaire? Well, you're friends with, what's his name?

Speaker 1 The Knicks, right? Aren't you buddies with him? James Dolan? Yeah. No, not buddies.
I just, I've been in the same room with him. But didn't you do a show for him or something?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm his friend. You're his good friend.
Oh, yeah. Well, he's my best friend.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I know. I think the richest person that I actually personally know, like the person I know with the absolute most money,

Speaker 1 shit because I don't know

Speaker 1 I mean for me it's Rogan there's no but I don't know I don't know you know he's the most money I've ever heard yeah no he would be the one that most of our peers would you know but I don't know him personally so after that

Speaker 1 maybe you no santino not even clothes not even in the top who would I know who who that's actually rich that's truthfully like handover like fucking rich nobody in the comedy scene that you're friends with oh Joe DeRosa Joe DeRosa.

Speaker 1 Everybody knows. He's the richest guy.
He opens that sandwich shop. You know what I mean? And it's a money front for sure.
Because the sandwiches are bullshit. No, no, actually.
It's a money front.

Speaker 1 No, it is a money front. And yes, I want to make fun of Joe DeRosa and tell him what a piece of shit he is.
Pat Mahomes is probably the richest person that I know for sure. But yeah, $477 million.

Speaker 1 A couple of bucks. Whatever.
He is the richest person I've ever known. Yes.
He has a contract for $477 million. He's worth every fucking dime.
I will say Joe DeRosa's sandwiches, though.

Speaker 1 No, Joe, by the way. Sandwiches are favorite.
If you're in New York, you've got to go to Joe's sandwich shop. I haven't gone because I want to go eat them, but I love Joe's Rose.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, Joe's teasing. No, no, no, no.
But no, I want to make fun of him, too. And I mean,

Speaker 1 he does disgust me in many ways, but I do have to give him credit that those sandwiches at his shop, Joey Rose's, down on Rivington Street in the Lower East Side of New York, are fan, like the best cold-cut sandwiches I've ever had in my life, truthfully.

Speaker 1 He got the meat from somewhere specific, some

Speaker 1 sliced it right off

Speaker 1 the fucking freshman.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I got a Capicola cock.

Speaker 1 No, it's Gabagoul. Come on, let's.
I want to eat at an Italian restaurant with you. What's the place that we always eat at? By your house?

Speaker 1 Well, I'm not going to say what that is into the mic. What are you fucking nuts? Oh, yeah.
I forgot we're in the pot. It's so easy with you.
Yeah. No, you know what? Where do we eat? I'll tell.

Speaker 1 Well, we always go to the spaghetti factory. Is where we go.
The old spaghetti factory. The old spaghetti.

Speaker 1 You know, my dad loves Olive Garden. Loves.

Speaker 1 I got to be honest with you. It's nuts.
I don't hate olive garden. I'm not saying I love it.

Speaker 1 I don't hate it. Give me back your Italian card.
I've told you I'm mostly German.

Speaker 1 So is a so is he. Whoa, George, I'm pointing at George.
You know, George looks like a Nazi, though. He does, doesn't he? He does.

Speaker 1 I got my hair growing out. You know, this is like when he had it really short, though, he looked so Nazi boy.
It was Nazi stuff.

Speaker 1 I shouldn't admit this, but yeah, when I had my short haircut, I always took, I cropped it in real close, but I took the photo of Ray Fienes and Schindler's list.

Speaker 1 And I was like, this is the perfect haircut. It looks great on me.
He brought that to the barber. But I was told to Schindler's list.
No, and that is serious.

Speaker 1 I would take it to the $8 barber at Echo Park, Casa Novas Nubero Dos, and I'd zoom really in so they couldn't see any Nazi person presenting.

Speaker 1 And as he's cutting it in Spanish, he's like, fucking puto Nazi motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Look at that. That's who George wanted to be.
That's insane. That's a good-ass haircut.
How sexy is Ray Fine? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 How about him? You like him, right, Rude? Yeah, he's sexy. He can get it, huh? But he's like, yeah, but he kind of looks soft, too.
He looks a little femme. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's a very.

Speaker 1 The haircuts in the World War II II era were good. Well, that was the thing that the Nazis really figured out was hair, was styling their hair.
And uniforms. I've said this many times.

Speaker 1 If you want to talk, I don't agree with their politics at all. I truthfully don't think the Holocaust was disgusting.
But if we're just talking about fashion, Nazis win by a landslide.

Speaker 1 Yeah, look at that. You go boss uniforms.
Look at McLemore. McLemore and other people.
That's McLemore right there. There you go.
There he is. And there's Eric Trump down there.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, that's not Eric Trump. Who is that? That guy, the face of the alt, right? What's his name? Richard Spencer.
Richard Spencer is the face of the altar. Is that what it is?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Yeah, that's what he is. I ain't going to answer that real quick.

Speaker 1 You were trying to bait me, weren't you? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was looking for it. He knows.
He knows who his leader is. I think I could beat up McLemore.

Speaker 1 I don't. Honestly.
You don't think so?

Speaker 1 There's something. He's like 6'4, maybe.

Speaker 1 Is he really that tall? I think he's a big boy.

Speaker 1 Interesting. McLemore height.

Speaker 1 He's got,

Speaker 1 what do we say? 6'3?

Speaker 1 5'10? 5'10. Tall guy.
Never mind. I think I beat him up.
I think I can beat up GEZ.

Speaker 1 I see. I think GEZ might take you.

Speaker 1 Machine Gun Kelly. I think I'm.
No, I think he'll beat me. All these guys kind of look alike in your mind.

Speaker 1 That's why we're naming all of them. The thing is with Machine Gun Kelly is he's a very bony.
If he hits you with one of those bones, you're going lights out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we ever got punched by a really skinny guy. It hurt his hurt.
Oh, it hurts so bad.

Speaker 1 Playing basketball against him, I'd always get bruises. I would look like my mom.

Speaker 1 6'4. See, MGK is bad.
PDD 6'4, too. Yeah, PDD would hurt you.
6'3.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And Megan Fox, and now they're married. Good for you.
Megan Fox. Good for all these people.

Speaker 1 Good for them. Good for marriage.
Shout out, love. I've never gotten married.
I probably won't get married, but I like being a popular. You'll never get married, huh? I don't think so.

Speaker 1 Because I had kids first. You don't want any government intervention.
Yeah, and I just, for me, the whole thing is like, it just gets messy. I like the way it is now, and she likes the way it is now.

Speaker 1 You're saying that for her. Yes, she is repulsed by the idea I don't want to get married and thinks that it absolutely adds.
I'm pretty sure. But two kids.
It's two kids. That's what it says.

Speaker 1 Where am I fucking going? Where am I going with a full bush? Yeah,

Speaker 1 but you had nice bush. Nice bush.
Where would you go? I mean, yeah, what are you talking about? What is she like, you know?

Speaker 1 Marriage is tough, though. So I get it why you're like, I don't want to get through this whole process.
We already got little ninos. Yeah, we can't do it.
And I'm like, oh, you're a family with COVID.

Speaker 1 We can't do it. I just keep delaying it.
Well, because you know the child support is.

Speaker 1 It's coming. Can you imagine? How do you calculate child support? See what that's about.
I know a buddy that had to pay like $17,000 a month or something.

Speaker 1 I think it's 17% of your gross income in New York. 17% of your gross income per child? I think per child.
It doesn't even go, does it go exponentially lower as your more kids you get?

Speaker 1 Or is it 17 if you got 10 kids or 17% of the combined parental income for one child, 25% of the combined parental income for two children in New York? How does that make sense?

Speaker 1 Combined parental income.

Speaker 1 But she doesn't make, like, if your wife doesn't make any money, it's just all your money. That's what I'm saying.
So this is just a ruse to make it feel like it's a

Speaker 1 25% of the father's income. Oh

Speaker 1 my

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 You're sticking it out, Papa. You better stick that shit up, Papa.
You better stick that shit up, Papa. You ain't going nowhere, Frank.
Okay? No. You better dig your heels in.
You're going nowhere.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 And that's not even alimony. If you get divorced, then it's alimony on top of that.
How much is alimony percentage if he gets divorced? No, you're not the, you're not.

Speaker 1 We're not married, but let's just say hypothetical. But what would be your common law, right? Doesn't common law marriage ever use? I don't think that's a real thing in Carla.

Speaker 1 In California, it absolutely is. It absolutely is in the state of California.
For marriages lasting 15 years, support should last 15 to 30% of the length of the marriage.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 So for marriages that last 15 to 20 years, support should last 30 to 40 percent of the length of the marriage.

Speaker 1 So if you were married for 20 years, you pretty much got to pay for like eight years, right? Eight years after. Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. This is why.
We got a family friend that won't get divorced. He's like, I'll kill her before I'll divorce her.
He just gives her money. Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's like, I'm not fucking fucking getting a divorce. He's like, but

Speaker 1 he's like, the house is her. You know what I mean? He's like, yeah, I have everything.
I'm not going to get a divorce. Yeah.
It's a financial nightmare. Nightmare.
You ever want to get married, Rude?

Speaker 1 No. Never, right? You've said that before, but you're not going to be able to do it.
What about if WhatsApp's face was? What if Harry Styles wants to marry you? Seriously. Oh, look at you now.

Speaker 1 You're changing your tone. Except Harry.
I would marry Harry. He's the only one you'd marry.

Speaker 1 But what if he said, I'll marry you because I love you, but you got to let me have all the other women in the world as well. That's fine.
And

Speaker 1 he wants your clothes, all your nice dresses.

Speaker 1 We can share. Okay.
What would be the one thing that would turn you off about him?

Speaker 1 Isn't there anything he could do that you'd go, I don't want that. That would fuck it all up for me.

Speaker 1 Maybe if. What if he was physically abusive? You stick around? Yeah.
Okay. That's terrible to know.
Okay. That's just so bad.
She said immediately. Yeah.
Didn't even skip a beat. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'd actually want him to hit me. What if he was voting for Trump?

Speaker 1 Okay, so he can beat the shit out of you.

Speaker 1 But if he votes for Trump, that's just a whole different story.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. This is the point of contention.
You found out what bothers us. That's what it is.
Most people. Trump, if he votes for Trump, you're not going to get with Harry.
Yeah, but he can hit me.

Speaker 1 He can hit you. Okay.
This is unhealthy to push out to the world. Young girls out there that are Rudy's age, this is not what you want to be like.
Wow. He can hit me, but he can't vote for Trump.

Speaker 1 If Trump was here, truthfully, and was a fan of the potter, would you have him on as a guest? If Trump came to Los Angeles, genuinely, Donald Trump is like, I want to hit him. I love whiskey, ginger.

Speaker 1 It's huge. The show's huge.
Bad friends is huge.

Speaker 1 I want on the show.

Speaker 1 How could you do it? Of course. How could I say no? I would have done it at the height of 2016.
I would have done it.

Speaker 1 By the way, and anybody that says anything otherwise, you were mesmerized by him for four years. It was the most entertaining shit we ever saw.
Everyone would want to see what he would say.

Speaker 1 And also, between

Speaker 1 me and Bobby and put him in the middle of us,

Speaker 1 the most fun. The most fun.

Speaker 1 The first comedian of all time would be dying to have him on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because it's something that it's, I mean, it's like when people criticize Rogan or criticize Marin for having certain people on if ever they're like, why would you have them on?

Speaker 1 It's like, because that strikes an interesting conversation. That's why.
Yeah, it's just interesting. That's all it is.
It's a fun, interesting conversation. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're not going to like all the guests. So if he hits you, that's all.
All good. Votes for Trump.
Get out of here, Harry Steiner. But he can hit you.
He can, I mean, really, like, give you a shiner.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 What do you say, the police? Man, what happened to your eye? I just fell. You fell on your eye?

Speaker 1 How come nothing else is, there's no other evidence of

Speaker 1 a fall? I don't know. It just happened.
I feel like you're lying to us, ma'am. I'm not.
Is someone abusing you at home? No. Don't roll your eyes at us because I can see that swollen eye.
I can tell.

Speaker 1 Did someone raise a fist to you, ma'am? No one's abusing me. You fell.
Tell me how you fell.

Speaker 1 I was walking with my drink, and then I forgot that there were stairs. What kind of drink?

Speaker 1 My wine.

Speaker 1 My wine. Oh, your wine glass?

Speaker 1 Oh, your red wine?

Speaker 1 Okay. I didn't know that.
I thought that you were 20. That's 21.
That's interesting. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is five years after.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 You've been in an abusive relationship for

Speaker 1 smart. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you're walking with your wine where?

Speaker 1 At the house. At the house that you guys own together in Beverly Hills.
Yeah. Is that where it is? Mm-hmm.
How many stories is it?

Speaker 1 Two. Just two.
Two's two. And you fell down the second, the first story to the bottom? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's it. I just fell.
You slipped and fell, but how come you there's no bruising or cuts on any other part of your body? It's almost as I just raised my legs. Oh, so you fell with your legs up?

Speaker 1 Right. So you just slid down on your butt, like a kid on fit carpets.
Yeah. Yeah, on carpeted stairs.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Interesting.

Speaker 1 Would Harry Styles be able to sign something for my kid?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 I say we let her go. I say we let her go.
Yeah, that's fine. I say, yeah.

Speaker 1 What did you end up saying to him why he hit you?

Speaker 1 I said, you fucking bitch.

Speaker 1 You crossed that line. He should have hit you.
You don't say that to Harry Styles. We got to go.
Have a good night, ma'am. Woo! Woo!

Speaker 1 You said, let's go, Brandon.

Speaker 1 Imagine. It'd be so funny if one of those innocent kids like Harry Styles came out as like a hardcore Trumpian.
How funny. Oh, my God.
Because then it's like, it turns it on its head.

Speaker 1 It's like, what are you supposed to do now? You know, that's it.

Speaker 1 That's the thing with TT Jerry is she's transgender Puerto Rican, but she loves Trump. So it's like, what do you, you can't.

Speaker 1 She doesn't love Trump, right? You've told me that before. She told me every inmate in prison loves Trump too.
All of them. Really? 100%.
She said

Speaker 1 if the federal inmate system

Speaker 1 could vote,

Speaker 1 they would all vote for Trump.

Speaker 1 Did she have a lot of trans friends in prison? She said all her trans friends, who none of them were white, all of them adored Donald Trump. Is she fully transitioned now?

Speaker 1 She's got estrogen tits, but a dick. So she's got tits, but a dick.
But she's keeping it, right? Didn't you say she's a penitentiary? She's keeping her penis. She doesn't want to lose her penis.

Speaker 1 She got a nice penis, penis, I bet. Beautiful colour.
You don't want to give it up. It's so good.
Yeah. Don't you think that? That's part of the whole reason.

Speaker 1 But she likes to, she said, she likes to utilize it. You know what I mean? Yeah.
She wants to use that. She doesn't want it, you know.
It's a gun. It's a gun.
She's a gun.

Speaker 1 She got to go shoot it once in a while. Once in a while, she pops off.
Yeah, so it's nice. She likes it.
Do you have any trans friends? No, I have a gay friend. Ooh, big deal.

Speaker 1 We all have a gay friend. Right here.

Speaker 1 You're gay?

Speaker 1 Not necessarily. Bye.

Speaker 1 Yes. That's probably more true.
Also, the standards are blurred, dude. Sexuality is on the spectrum.
Look at Carlos. Nobody knows what he is.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It doesn't matter.
But he looks like he makes balloon animals. Without a doubt, he makes balloon animals.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He looks like the guy

Speaker 1 that gets the taheen for the guy that sells fruit on the side of the road. He goes and gets the taheen for him.
Go on a run, get me some taheen, come back. And Carlos stands there.

Speaker 1 He looks like a guy in a movie, like an ancient war movie. Like, you know, when they're walking into a village that had just been ramsacked, his head would be in a spike.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just like that with the hair blowing in the wind.

Speaker 1 Well, listen, what? I love you. Oh, I love you, too.
And God bless you for coming to this. And, and, and, um, in all seriousness, we are thankful for our bad friends.
We love you guys.

Speaker 1 Uh, thank you for Chrissy. He's going to do maybe another episode with us.
Maybe. We'll see.
Whenever we'll see. We'll have some other guests come through while Tito Bob is

Speaker 1 getting some

Speaker 1 help. And I'm going to let Rudy stare into her camera right there.
And go ahead and say something sentimental about Tito and then close out the show. And thank people for being a bad friend.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Make it count. Tito Bobby, we're missing you already.
True.

Speaker 1 Farted into the mic during your speech.

Speaker 1 I hope you're not. That's what Bob would have wanted.

Speaker 1 Take care, and we love you. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Love it. Love it.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you.