An Egg Roll Goes to the Spa & Stealing Danny DeVito's Seat

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You two are bad friends. company and affiliates.
Potential savings will man. Oh, this is new? Yes.

Okay, okay. But we don't do ghetto.
You think this is ghetto? You think this is more ghetto than King of the State? Or fighting the king? Dude, seriously. What? I understand.
I understand. You're on a thin line right now.
I'm just saying. Okay, and I also understand.
You're on a thin rope. Okay, the thin rope.
The thin rope. Why are you pointing at me? Because the thin rope is very clear to me, my friend.
What do you mean? Wait, wait, wait. Think about what you're about to say.
I think about everything I'm about to say. I'll I'll

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I'll Okay, the thin rope. Why are you pointing at me? Because the thin rope is very clear to me, my friend.
What do you mean? Think about what you're about to say. I think about everything I'm about to say.
All I know is that you are like worm tongue. Worm tongue.
Everyone, I want everyone. Is that because he ate a worm? No, that could be.
But everyone just, everyone say this.

Wormtongue.

You know, I take offense to that.

What's a wormtongue?

I take offense to that.

Who's Wormtongue?

I take offense to that.

What?

Who is it?

It's the dude in Game of Thrones.

No, he's the Lord of the Rings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, which one's that guy?

Yeah.

Remember, he was the one that fucking mesmerized the king.

Hold up, hold up. He was like putting him in a combo toast.
And then the fucking white Gandy. Remember Gandy showed up with a stick? I thought it was Gandalf.
Whatever. No? Yeah, yeah.
Gandy shows up with a stick, right? So he's a manipulator. Right, and he goes, and they're like, he has the staff, right? And he goes, you back up.
And he puts out the staff, and it takes the king out of the thing. No, no, no.
And then your warm tongue. You know what you are? Hold on, that's my turn.
You know what you are? In Lord of the Rings though. No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is my own analogy. I can come up with my own movie analogy.
You are. You started with that.
You got to do it. All right, all right.
I'll go. You know what you are? What, what? You're the actual dark crystal where you extract people's energy.
Like when the podlings look into the dark crystal. Yeah.
You know? Yeah. And you are the actual dark crystal where you extract people's energy like when the podlings look into the

dark crystal you know and you

are the actual dark crystal you

extract people's positive energy

and negative and negative energy

yeah you know what

that's what you do that's you

that's what you do okay can I say something

about that you're not you're not privy to

the dark crystal

sucks in right negative

energy positive energy right but

also cancers what do you mean

Thank you. about the dark crystal that you're not privy to? The dark crystal sucks in, right? Negative energy, positive energy, right? But also cancers.
What do you mean? That fucking dark crystal, right? Saved three podlings' lives. No, no, no, no.
You're making this up. Chemo, dude.
Chappelle, he's making that up. That purple is chemo.
Is chemo not purple? No, no, no, no. No, it's not.
I thought it was green. Oh, really? I really did.
For some reason, when I hear chemo, I just think green.

Okay, so you know what you are then?

Wait, dude, let's not do this.

Let's start more on a positive.

Can we start again?

Oh, let's start again.

Let's start again.

Keep it, but let's just be more positive.

We don't rewind it.

How about with this?

We start with a bad friend's like, I'll introduce it. But let's do positive affirmations.

Right, Chappelle?

Yeah, I'm all about positive affirmations.

Positive affirmations.

That's my world.

Bro, bro, bro, bro.

Your world, dude?

I'm going to say something about your world, dude.

I don introduce it. But let's do positive affirmations.
Right, Chappelle? Yeah, I'm all about positive affirmations. Positive affirmations.
That's my world. Bro, bro, bro, bro.
Your world, dude? I'm going to say something about your world, dude. What are you going to say about my world? I never saw anyone like you before.
Right? You know how you and I, when we met, there was some chemistry and a light. But what I'm saying is that I had never met anyone like you.
That's why I didn't get close until I saw the show Cheer.

Then I go, I see.

This guy, Jules.

Cheer on Netflix?

He's a cheerleader.

He was a cheerleader.

He was a cheerleader.

In high school. You know the schools that they're talking about on Cheer?

That's where I cheered at.

Really?

Yeah.

Like the actual school school?

Yeah, that's where I cheered at.

That's where you cheered at?

Yeah.

Because I knew that about you.

You were pro at that level.

Yeah.

At one point.

So when I was watching... I cheered at.
Really? Yeah. Like the actual school school? Yeah, that's where I cheered at.
That's where you cheered at? Yeah. Because I knew that about you.

You were pro at that level. Yeah.

At one point. So when I was watching Cheer, I thought about you.

I go, there he is. And you smiled.
You really did.

Yeah, it's basically, what

Chappelle Lacey is, he seems like a

guy that was adopted.

Dude, you better watch what you're

about to say, though, because I don't like where you're getting at.

When I met you, I go, fuck, fuck number one you were wearing a ramones i don't have a ramones shirt okay well you're really cramps cramps cramps no oh see how he fabricates and lies no no no he's in the right area fabrications bobby's in the right area i'm in the right area i love Ramones, but I would never wear a Ramones shirt. I'm like that weirdo.
That's how cool you are. My goal at the end of this podcast is to prove to the world that you ain't with him.
No, no, no. He's more with me than he is with you.
You are 100% more with me in terms of what we like, in terms of style, in terms of what we think is good in terms of film, television. Dude, he's skateboard.
Hey, but here's another thing. I've seen his dick.
You know what? I kind of do want to, because I feel close to you. I liked you right when I met you.
I would like to show you my balls and my penis. That's a lot.
Would you be comfortable with that? I've cheered with gay dudes and they've never said anything like that to me they have never looked at me go yo i i love you and like it's easily dude i can't help it dude you kick ass like your toe touches are the shit but yo can i show you my dick and balls it's crazy so no one's ever done that but when you ask right you already lose what do you mean? What do you mean by that? When you May I May I You know what? May I Show you my genitals? Already you lose What you do is you go There's rules? There is rules In my head I'm like I know I can see the twinkle in his eyes When I met you I knew When you looked at me dude You did this You looked at my eyes And you did a downward glance and popped right back up wait dude do it so this is yeah so I go hey I'm Bobby and you go I'm Chappelle right do I talk like that to me I'm Chappelle right and you went like this no I did that yeah you did when I saw that you did that when I saw that I went there it is in a good way In a good way And when you saw it I think you reacted In the worst kind of way I think you ran away No And there was a point No Wasn't there a time Wasn't there a time Where you would avoid me You know what it was You ready for this Yeah yeah yeah Okay I want to hear Chris I just moved to LA Okay Just moved to LA I'm hanging around the comedy store, right? Good to. And I had met Bobby already, but it was maybe like a few weeks of me living into LA.
It was literally weeks. And then he was like, yo, after my set, let's go get something to eat.
He said that? Let's meet another comedy. Does it sound normal? Yeah.
You do that. He was like, let's...
Sounds normal. That's you.
We went to... No, anyone.
Well, that's you. Human beings eat.
No, but you really are nice to other comedians.

We go to Agassi.

Agassi.

We go to Agassi.

Great meal.

Great meal.

Then we say, Bobby's just dropping all this dope knowledge about comedy.

I'm feeling good.

It's cool.

I'm in LA.

I'm like, dude, I'm hanging out with Bobby Lee.

And literally, he was like, we're hanging out outside.

He goes, hey, you want to you wanna you know there's a spa

yo yo yo yo so he goes there's a spa you, I usually take a lot of comic students A late night spa And I'd only brought one black guy to that spa Before you, who was it? Who else would go with me? Oh, Ian Edwards Yeah, it was Ian And it's so funny, when I brought him I think you did the same thing When I brought Ian there He he found basketball shorts. No, no, no, no.
I did not. I think you did the same thing.
You did it. I looked around.
I was completely naked. I looked around.
I go, oh, fuck. Chappelle's doing what fucking Ian did.
They found basketball shorts somewhere. That is not true.
Because they don't want to show their, you know, I know what it is. It's respectful.
It's a Korean spa. And you don't want to go in a steam room.
And you want to freak out the Koreans. No.
Listen. This is not what it is.

Chappelle, if you and I were in Nam, right?

Uh-huh.

And you are – and I would be scared because you're sensitive like I am.

I'm very sensitive.

And you and I would be in a foxhole probably.

Yep.

Right?

I'd probably show you my thing.

Yeah.

Because I want to show you what it looks like when it's super scared.

Right?

And in war, in war, my penis looks like this yeah like that but that's what that's not what it was in the spa you wait wait that's not what you saw so anyways anyways dude he goes you're gonna bitch out or what and i was like i was like all right and so we go in he goes he goes don't look around he goes just pick a locker put your clothes in there and i'm like all my clothes? He was like, all right. And so we go in.
He goes, don't look around. He goes, just pick a locker.
Put your clothes in there. And I'm like, all my clothes? He was like, yeah.
That's just a spa. You got to get naked.
Yeah. And I'm sitting here like.
Oh, no. I was walking around like that.
Then we go in the sauna. And we're sitting there in the sauna.
Dry or wet? The dry or wet one? The dry one. We're sitting sitting in a sauna me and the other dude were just sitting on the bench that bobby is like dropping comedy knowledge to us and meanwhile he's doing high kicks in the sauna and i'm sitting here like how do you want me to fucking take you serious and then dude the best part of it it was when after we were done in the spa for like an hour or so, he goes, he drops us off at a 7-Eleven to order our Uber.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one across the street.
The one across the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Meanwhile. Where Cafe Bleu is.
He dropped us off so quick. Like, he just like dropped and then left.
And I'm like. It's so funny.
The details. And that was my.
You know, it's so funny. No, no, no.
Let me see. It's my podcast.
Let me see the details. The details.
It's like the details. What? You missed the details.
The details is probably. Who paid for Augustine Buck Chung? He paid for Augustine.
Who paid for the spa? He paid for the spa. Yes, he did.
Interesting. He did.
Well, what does his penis look like to you? His? Yeah. You know, this was almost three years.
Or no, this was three years ago. Dude, he's got a dark dick.
He's got a dark dick. Dark dick.
And he's just like kicking his highs. Like his leg gets up there.
Oh, yeah. Bro, I was doing this, dude.
I was doing this. Wait, wait.
Right? I was probably doing this. You were probably sitting on a bench.
Yep, sitting on a bench. Right? Dry sauna.
Dry sauna. I was probably just going like.
Yes! That's exactly what he did. I'm doing my comedy.
Yeah, yeah. That's exactly what I did.
So it's all about stage time, bro.

Stage time.

Okay.

It's all about it, dude.

He was literally like,

he was like, you gotta get up as much as you can.

Yes!

Yes!

And then, and then-

Did he touch you?

No, I didn't touch you.

No, hold on.

That's fucking fly.

I'm talking to him.

I'll be a week later.

I went back to the spa

and the Koreans were talking about you.

No. Really? No, no? This is a friend.
This is so cute. This is a ghost.
He said you're he said they're complimenting your dick. Saying what it looks like.
Yeah, it's a ghost. Like a ghost.
Creature. Like a creature.
Like a ghost creature. Like a ghost creature.
I think is creature. ghost.
Oh, ghost. Yeah.
But it's not a ghost. Yeah.
Skyscraper. Oh, okay.
Skyscraper. Skyscraper.
Right? And then they say to me, No, Gishin is this. I...
Son ate. No, not Son.
Bigger than you. No, you got an average dick, don't you? You do.
Yeah, his is average. His is average.
You know what I know? It's not bigger. Dude, mine grew.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Hold on. That's a fact.
That's a fact. I will always set something.
No, no, no, no, no. You want to have a contest right now? I'll have a contest anytime you want to, but I don't want to do that with a bunch.
Wait, wait, wait. I don't want to do a contest right now.
No, no, no, no, no You want to have a contest right now? I'll have a contest anytime you want to But I don't want to do that with a bunch I don't want to do a contest right now No, no, no I think, no, because I do Like, I've done exercises To stretch it out over the years I think, I think, I think I think I can match you Yo, Stevie Yeah, yeah, yeah I think I can match him now I think I could That's a thing? It's not a thing It's not a thing, dude Yeah, it is a thing You can stretch it out You can do exercises Here's the thing about your brother here's the thing about your brother yeah i i always you're the most honest man i think i know exactly so that's why i'm like you say that you know you didn't must be my friend in college said i promise you this to chappelle okay think about it if you i'm thinking about i already thought about it if you're in medical, right? A bunch of kids, right, are in a conference room, right? They're putting up slides, right, before the test, just to warm up. They throw out things.
What's this? They go, oh, that's some sort of skin rash thing, right? And they show his penis. They wouldn't say penis.
They'd go, oh, that's a skin tag on somebody's neck. You want to do it right now, dude? It's a skin tag, dude.
It's like... It's a skin tag.
Hold up. It's a skin tag.
Let's pause. Jules has not said what...
Can we let Jules talk? Let's go back to Jules. Can we let Jules talk? So, Jules.
Please, let Jules talk. Jules, check it out.
okay? There's so many dicks that you're talking about. I know.
All right, let's... What are you doing? No, just...
All right, so... I was a knee slapper.
Let me ask you to say something, Jules, right? When you hear adults... How old are you, Chappelle? I'll be 35 on Sunday.
Okay. Is that an adult? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. How old are you, Steve? Forty.
How old are you 47? I'm 50, right? Jules, do you think this is not what we should be talking about right now? From what I've heard with you and your friends, I think it's normal. It's normal talk.
So it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable. No.
So let's play a little quick game and just make assumptions, okay? Just in your mind, if you were going to do biggest or smallest, just out of assumptions, just go one, two, three, a point, and then that's it. And then we can move on.
Okay. Okay.
Go ahead. One.
Yeah. Two.
Three. Okay.
You know, she's right. No, she's not right.
No, because you're fat. No, I'm just letting you know the fat on your stomach.
The fat in your stomach is overlapping your dick at this point. You know what I mean? What does that have happened? No, because you're.
Yeah, what does it do with the size? No, no, no. Let me say something.
Like I'm a man I have a house right and the rooftop right if the rooftop is big it still has nothing to do with my situation no I'm just saying the placement of your penis is probably like down like way near your anus so it's not getting the light you know that's why it's grey it's not getting sunlight but what But what does that have to do with size? I don't know, but I'm trying to figure that out. I know.
Hold up. Why don't you? Let me try to work out.
When you ask me to think about it. Hold up.
You're right. You know how he goes? Think about it.
Yeah. Can we ask him to think about it? Yeah, you're right.
You're right. That didn't make any sense.
Think about it. So that's a lesson for you.
How about we do this? Just a friendly gesture. I'm not showing my dick.
We're not showing dick. After this, let's all go to the spa together.
No, we can't. Why not? You got shit to do.
I got a lot of shit to do. You wouldn't go to the spa again with us ever again.
You wouldn't go? That was a wild experience. You wouldn't go with me? How long did you know Bobby before he invited you to the spa? Weeks.
Weeks? Not even a full month. It's probably one or two weeks.
Okay, I've known him for over 10 years. Not one invite to the spa.
Okay, so what? Now that says something about you, man. Yeah, that says something about you.
That says something about you. Why me and why not George? He only invites funny people.
see Should I invite a podcast producer You mean Or should I Potentially a kid that Could be the next Eddie Murphy Dude that was a compliment bro Eddie Murphy come on I'm sorry's just basically common sense, dog. Yeah.
I try to defend you. Hey, I'm getting into prop comedy.
I'll come back in a minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm probably banned from there anyway. I can't go back.
What? To the spa. Yeah.
I apologize for the poo again at the Grove. What do you mean the poo? When I pooed in the parking lot.
What? I've been thinking about that lately. I apologize.

What?

That was not.

For a younger brother to witness an older brother to poo in a parking lot is, I just thought about it.

It's not right.

But Bobby, they have bathrooms at the Grove.

Didn't have time.

They should have one in every corner. They should have a parking spot and then a bathroom stall and then a parking spot.

You know, one thing I will never understand is how adults shit their pants. Oh, dude, this wasn't even shit.
His wasn't even shit. It was pure liquid.
It was like Yoo-Hoo. You know the Yoo-Hoo chocolate drink? It looked like that.
It looked like that. Just a huge pond of it.
I need the detail,, do you date? What do you date? You know, I feel like you don't fuck. Oh, are you out of your mind? Stop for a second.
Dude, are you out of your mind? I love it so much. Is this how this goes? Oh, okay.
All right. What? He does.
It's so funny because this is the exact conversation I expected coming to this show. You did? Do you want to hear?

Oh, really?

Yeah.

No, so wait.

Do I fuck? No, I'm not saying. God, man.
It's all about language, and I said it wrong. All right? Yeah, I'll let you try again.
Oh, thank you. When I look at Chappelle Lacey, right? Yeah.
Obviously, right? since he does eat food, because he's he looks like he's existing he's not dying right and i'm sure he does get sexual intercourse occasionally on the road or whatnot right but in my head i can't really see it right you making love to any woman oh Oh, you're wrong. That's interesting.

But that's a fair thing to say.

Thank you.

You want to know why that's fair?

Why?

Because I don't give off those vibes at all.

I don't give off those vibes.

He is right.

Maybe he is my guy.

I don't know if you're my guy anymore.

Maybe he's the one.

Because you out here thinking I just fucked.

And Bobby's like.

No. You know.
No, yeah. You're not the type of guy, right? One, I have a girlfriend.
And two. She's alive? Yeah.
I assume when you make a heavy love, right? When you make the heavy love, that you're the type of guy to look at your girl and go, would you like a warm towel? Yeah. You go get a warm towel, a fresh one, right? Yeah.
In fact, you might go to the fucking, the actual closet to get a folded one. Yeah.
Not a used one. Not a used one.
Yeah, put the warm water on. 100%.
Yeah. Me? Damn, you know me so well.
I know, dude. How the hell does he, how does this happen? I know.
How is this happening? How do's this happening? How do you Is he on point? Majority of people don't know where To take me But you know exactly that's why you took me to the spa That's right I know you dude You're sensitive baby And you have yeah I get it That's so crazy I mystery to most people. You know what I do when I'm making love? Don't make love? You want to clean? She goes, yeah.
And they use their hand. You know what I mean? At that point, I'm already sleeping.
After the spin of fall asleep. That's your world? Yeah, that's my world, dog.
So how did you? I don't do that. Okay, if that's your world- Are you kidding me? I'm just you! One towel the whole fucking thing, baby! Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.
You know why I'm that way? Why? It's because of cheerleading. Really? Can you please do a demonstration? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Type in- Go to YouTube. I want to see Chappelle do his thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go to CGI.
Oh what oh my god, dude. Yeah, that's legit dude once upon a time.
Look at it.

Oh my god, dude.

Oh my god. That's legit, dude.
Once upon a time. Look at it.
Oh, my God, dude. Can you do a flip? Yeah, I can't even do one flip.
Look at that. You know what the Lees are? We're not flippers.
We're rollers. Oh, that's right.
We don't flip, but we roll better than you. We roll like a motherfucker, don't we? In a perfect ball, dude.
Yeah. In fact, can I say something?

When we wrestled, right?

When we did the roll.

That was your move.

What do they used to call that?

The egg roll.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I made up a move in wrestling that Coach Branson called the egg roll.

No, Toretto.

Oh, Toretto did.

Yeah, Al Toretto.

Al Toretto called me.

Yeah.

And basically what it is is that.

Hold on.

Let's go ahead.

No, no.

You're good.

You've seen it.

You've seen it once. I want to see more of it.
Yeah. Yeah, I want to see more of it.
You want to demonstrate? Okay. Yeah.
Yeah. And basically what it is.
Hold on. Let's go ahead.
No, no. You're good.
You've seen it. You've seen it once.
I want to see more of it. Yeah.
Yeah. I want to see.
You want to demonstrate? Okay. Demonstrate.
Demonstrate. Yeah.
Demonstrate. Yeah.
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Are you guys getting this? Yep. Yo! hold up, dude.
Yo! Yo!

Yo!

Okay, okay.

It was a joke.

It was a joke. Yo! It was a joke.
Yo! Yo! It was a joke. Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! were up everywhere dude it was widespread dude let's? So basically, the egg roll was this, right? Uh-huh.
You know how to get fit. Right? So basically, this is how you start, right? Right? Yeah, yeah.
I wrestle for a week. I do this.
Right? Yep. I get in like this.
Right? Yeah. Or something, I'll get out like this okay right but the egg roll always no but you

you did you did you're missing the point go ahead get back out you you would you would literally yo yo stevie stevie over dude do the wizard do the wizard stevie Steve!

Steve!

Yo! Why are you laughing? Why is that so funny? Why is that so funny? Wait, hold on. Why is that so funny, dude? Chappelle, why is that so funny, dude? What was that funny looking? Yo, it was just his egg.
It was just his egg. It was just his egg.
It was just his egg. It was just his egg.
It was just his egg my move. I want to do my move.
Okay, okay, okay. So my brother used to do this thing, right? What move? So I'm going to...
Can you hear me? Or no, I can use the mic, right? What move? So check it out, dude. All right.
What move? I'm going to describe it for you. Okay.
So my brother was ranked probably the number one guy in California. Second in the California.
Second? Okay. That's what he told me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But my brother would go to Oklahoma, remember, and kill everybody.
So my brother was very good. So every year, my brother, even as a freshman, was in varsity or no? Yeah, I lettered.
He lettered as a freshman, dude. Oh, wow.
And I wrestled all my high school. Never got a letterman jacket.
He got it his freshman year. All right.
So my brother was a champion. They would put in the papers, they would write articles about him.
And then in California, not just local like in the california like newspapers big ones but you're missing a big point so every year my brother would win the cif cif title right and and so what happens is when you go to the fucking auditorium they show the mat in this big auditorium right and they have tunnels and they would put smoke out and my brother would say, Stephen Lee! My brother would come out. The place would go pandemonium.
You run from the outside. Pandemonium! Stephen Lee, right? I was in the front row.
In fact, if you look at wrestling photos, I'm always in the audience. He always went to the meets.
I was always supportive, right? But one night, my brother was CIF. My brother did something.
Oh, yeah. I think I remember what I did.
So what my brother did is, so basically what it is is this, okay? Let me do it. Let me do it.
You're going to do it to me or I'll do it to you? So I was the kid. I'm the guy.
My brother's right. So he stood up like this.
He stands up like this. Yeah.
My brother, right? This is an improvised move. I went like this.
No, no, no. You didn't do that.
No, I didn't. What did you do? I think what you did is you grabbed it underneath and you grabbed his neck like that, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you snapped him back. Let me do it, let me do it.
He snapped him back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he went up like this. So I went up like this, right? Yeah.
And then he... And I went like this.
Snapped him back. Yeah, yeah.
He hit. So I go back down and I went like...
Bam! Like that, right? And he fucking pinned him. Yeah.
And the place went... Yeah.
Really? Pandemonium, dude. Yeah, yeah.
I was crying. Yeah, but it was...
I don't know how I... It was the adrenaline.
It was the adrenaline Where I went boom And then I And this was your freshman year? Yeah Freshman Like my sophomore Junior And my brother Every year And every tournament Would crush it Article after article Pride Pride Lee Pride Every year, every year he goes to state and he

makes shame

he shamed

the Lee family, he shamed our

heritage, he burned the

family tree dude, bro

I was there, I drove 12 hours from Sacramento

in a minivan dude, 12 hours

back, drive back

I didn't even know if I had a brother then dude

anyway, good job though

the snapback

freshman year, give him a round of applause, snapback

Thank you. back that drive back i didn't even know if i had a brother then dude anyway good job though the snapback hey freshman year give him a run of a ball snapback freshman year dude those are skills you don't forget though oh yeah but i can't do i can't do a lot of i remember there's a there's this um when i was uh in eighth or ninth grade there they prep you right they groom you to be the next varsity one oh three pounder Do you remember a guy named Tony Matusi? Do I remember Tony Matusi, dude? I think about him every day.
So there's a guy. I know his body.
Okay, okay. This kid, Tony Matusi.
Imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger. No, no, Rocky Marciano.
His face is like Rocky Marciano. I know, but his body.
His body. Arnold Schwarzenegger's body.
Okay. You.
Okay. You already go into this shrinking machine.
Right? So Arnold goes, me? Yeah, he goes in the shrinking machine. He goes down to 98 pounds, right? That's Tony Matusi.
Dude, he was a buff. Yeah.
My brother. Like, he looked like Robert De Niro, like Rocky Marciano.
Just a little Rocky Balboa. He was 40 years old.
He was a rock. Like a coal miner.
Really? Yeah. A New York coal miner.
Yeah. No, no, no, no, no.
The coach, Branstad and Toretto, they invited me after, like before practice, hey, get your shoes and meet in the, in the, in the wrestling room. Okay.
Okay.

Just to see how I would do against,

because he was the guy

and I was the up and coming guy.

And my brother took him down.

I took him down,

but then I,

you know what he said?

Because I kept headbutting him

and he goes,

you're just like your brother.

You're just like your brother.

I kept headbutting him

and that's what he kept saying.

I will headbutt the fuck out of you.

That's your world.

I will headbutt the fuck out of you, bro. Yeah, you've headbut you, bro.
Yeah, but I do like, I don't even need distance, bro. I'll show you, bro.
All right. I don't even need distance, bro.
Check this out. That's your head, bro? Oh.
I will fucking crack your fucking, I will crack your cheekbone, bud. I will crack your cheekbone, bud.
That hurts so bad right now. But with him, I did it for the comedy, bud.
I'm about to pass up, but I did it for the comedy, bud. You didn't have to do that.
Yeah, I go into compulsion. But with him, he was actually slated to wrestle varsity his senior year at 105 pounds.
105? Yeah, 105. Why do you keep trying to build? I'm a loser.
No, you're a winner.

I'm a loser.

Why do you keep building up your...

Dude, Sex in the City, Matt TV.

Back then, though.

Oh, my God.

You know what I mean?

Pineapple Express.

This guy, he's on top of the world.

You're doing great.

Right?

And it's amazing.

Listen, I really do feel like I connect with Bobby now.

Fugazi, check.

Yep.

Right?

Name me one Sonic Youth album. Washing Machine.
Evil. I mean, he's so cool, dude.
He's so cool. Daydream Nation.
Yeah. Great.
Sister. Yeah.
Sister's a great album. Dirty.
Dirty, yes. Great album.
Dirty's a great album. Yeah.
It was a very commercial. I think I have a dirty shirt.
No, I have the Washing Machine shirt. I have one more to get back.
I wonder if that was it. No, I was wearing Sonic Youth washing machine.
That's what it is. That's what it was.
Now I remember. I finally get it.
See how we're doing it? He doesn't like you as much. You also made a comment about it.
I get it. No, you do.
I realize. Adam Egan.
He made a comment about it. That's right.
Because I saw he had a Sonic Youth patch on his vest, and I was like, yo, Washing Machine's one of my favorite albums. I finally get it.
I know why. Andrew Santino and I are doing a movie.
Wouldn't I give you the third lead of the movie? Absolutely. If you answer this question correctly.
Oh gosh, is this a music question? Yes. Just name me one Pavement album.
Oh, fuck. Damn, that's a tough one.
I know the album I'm thinking of is the one with... It's got Cut Your Hair on it.
Yes. Fuck! What's the name of that album? Abbott Ega's favorite Pavement album is Waui Zaui.
Yeah, that's the red one, right? No, that's the blue one. It has a little, like, cartoon drawing of a couple of monkeys on it.
I thought he liked the one that read that red one. Yeah, the red cover.
That's called Slanted Enchanted. Enchanted.
And that's the one that you're thinking about. That's the one I like.
But the thing that you're thinking about is... No, cut your hair is not on that album.
No, it's called Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain. Crooked Rain, yes! Yeah, Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain.
I'm sorry, well... You're in the movie.
Wait, wait. Sixth lead, though.
Wait, can I intervene? That 12 line. It's going to be great.
I'll take six. I know why.
Now it makes sense. That was a good question.
I know why you guys have this connection. Why? Because I went the hip-hop route.
I got into the other stuff later. Yeah.
That's his fault. You guys were, and that's my fault.
Like, you guys were more into the cool, like, Black Flag. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, that route. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I fucked, yeah. And then I didn't discover that until later.
Yeah, I forgot that you did fuck with each other immediately because I was wearing the Sonic Youth shirt. Yeah, and, you know, this is why, this is where, like, maybe, like, I want to be more open and honest about it.
It's like, I think that you and I could be very good friends because you and I have extreme similar things that we like. How about this? I'll give you the third lead if you name me five skateboarding companies.
Oh, gosh. Toy Machine Foundation, Baker, Birdhouse.
It's fine. I get it.
I get it. I get it.
Just one of the coolest guys ever. Right? And this is what I'm telling you Jules Like I forced her I forced her to watch Magnolia You forced her? Yeah You forced her? I forced her to watch What did you think about it? The movie Jules? So long I mean You tried You tried I go Look at Philip Seymour Off his acting Yeah He was better than What's that Hunger Games He's better than I didn't know He was in Hunger Games Yeah he really good He started Hunger Games He better Hunger Games Oh my god Tom Cruise too much As you said Tom a great character.
What a great character. That motivational speaker.
Yeah, yeah. And then she fell asleep for half of it.
Yeah. Let's do this with Jules because you didn't let her talk a lot this episode.
Okay, go ahead. Jules, what are your top three movies? No, T2 Bobby's going to laugh at me.
No, no, no, no. I'd like to do this.
I promise I won't. Dude, no, five.
Of your favorite. No, not five.
Three of your favorite. It's three.
Three. A Walk to Remember.
Shout out to Shane West. You know that? I know Shane West, yeah.
You know Shane West? Yeah, I do. Who's Shane West? He's the lead in there.
He plays the boyfriend. And that's your friend? Yeah.
A Walk to Remember. I've never seen that.
Wow, I never saw that. He's amazing.
Yeahappelle's friend. Okay Oh, he's fucked with that he fucked with right right go ahead Brandon Jason second movie Can I say Black Widow Black Widow great movie.
Do you see Black Widow? Black Widow.

Great movie.

Do you see Black Widow?

Black Widow.

The new one.

Oh, no.

I haven't seen that.

Masterpiece.

Loved it.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Is it really good?

Really good.

Do you guys like it?

Oh, Scarlett Johansson.

I love Black Widow.

No, was it good?

I swear to God it's good.

It's like Spider-Man good.

I swear to God it's Spider-Man good.

Like Spider-Man good.

I swear to God it is.

Oh, really?

It's that good.

Yeah, I haven't seen it.

I think it's good. It's good.
I think it's good. Okay, she has one more.
I don't think you're going to watch it and go, oh, that was bad. Okay.
And I wish you've done that to me a thousand times. No, I haven't.
Oh, yeah? Go ahead. Third movie.
And then Spider-Man No Way Home. Is that the newest one? Let's see.
You know, I think the better. Those are your favorite? Chappelle, I think the better those are your favorite Chappelle I think the better question is just name me all the movies you've seen because that would be the same list what are you talking about she doesn't know she watches anime you do yeah she watches like Naruto if I peek in a room it's always so let's give her this? Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So let's give her this option.

Oh, God, Steve.

No, because I want her to get involved.

I like-

Yeah.

What she loves doing?

Three.

Steve, she writes poetry.

Oh, you do?

No.

She does improv poetry.

I don't.

She does.

And she does improv monologues for films.

I don't.

If you want to see magic, go do an improv.

Give her a scenario.

You're a lawyer, and you're doing an opening statement for somebody who got murdered at a trial she'll do it three of your favorite anime just give her that okay at least give her that three of your favorite attack on titan jujutsu kaisen hunter hunter oh you don't know what that is i know what attack on titan is so steve what's your favorite monologue from attack on Titan?

Okay, if there's a monologue if there's a monologue what would the monologue be?

Imagine imagine

Imagine this right yeah, some guy writer, Attack on Titan, right? Yeah. So basically he knows that some voiceover actor, right, is going to have a challenging day because this is a moment.
This is a monologue, right? And the actor, the voiceover actor, can't sleep the night before because he knows it's a big moment. And it's so secret, they don't give him the sides.
He shows up. Ready for your big scene? They're coming.
They're coming. All right.
So you just fucked up the bit. Oh, go ahead.
Go ahead. Sorry.
No, it's all right. See, see, see.
In the bit, right? The joke is for me to say, they're coming.

Right?

No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop.

Just rewind it.

I'm not going to rewind it.

No, they can edit.

I'm not editing it.

Because the moment's gone.

Yeah, the moment.

So by you saying, they're coming.

No, you ruined it.

No, no.

Do it again, please.

No, no.

It's funnier if you let us sit.

No, I apologize.

I think it's funnier if you let us sit.

No, no, no, no.

That's not good for me, though.

I won't be able to sleep tonight.

Seriously, seriously. It's an OCD.
I don't want you to sleep tonight. It's an OCD thing.
No, no not good for me, though. I won't be able to sleep tonight.
Seriously, seriously.

It's an OCD thing.

No, no, no, no, please.

I won't be able to sleep tonight.

Well, how about this, then?

Please do it.

Give me a one-minute monologue

that they would do in fucking that movie.

Oh, that'd be good.

What do you mean?

Just make up a monologue.

You're going to give them a minute?

I could do it right now.

Go ahead.

Show us how it's done.

The sanctity of my life. The sanctity of life is what we all should be focusing on because we live within the walls.
The three walls. The center wall I've never been.
As a child I wanted to go to the center wall but they would not allow me. I, therefore, was bored within the third wall.
The third wall where the monsters came at night. Breached the wall.
Ate my mother. What are we going to do as a people? Hide? Cower? Or do we fight? Do we fight as villagers? Do we fight as humans? Do we fight as a family? Right? That's when I'm flying now in the air.
I just now took down a fucking Titan. That's what I wanted you to do.
First of all... Wait, wait, wait.
No. First of all...
No, no. Absolutely not.
Absolutely not. Absolutely not.
Listen, wait, wait, wait. Go ahead.
The only way we can make this official... Jules, what did you think of that? You watch anime.
Yeah. Jules, look at me.
You watch anime. Jules, look at me.
No, no, no, no. Don't try to yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, or no? Bobby Lee hornessed it.
Okay. That's why you do TV and movies, my friend.
You got it.

Mm-hmm.

There was so much hostility behind you.

No, no. There was no hostility.
Did you feel

the hostility? No, there was no hostility.

Yeah, because you couldn't do the monologue.

Yeah, I couldn't do the monologue.

Can I tell you why? I don't know

the dialogue in that. It's been years.
But here's what you do about improv okay you don't know what you're gonna say ever you just start talking because once you go what am i gonna say it's over it's a wrap it's a wrap right so without even thinking you have to go in right so what did i say what was my opening line i I don't know. You just rambled.
The sanctity of life.

That doesn't make any sense, but

it is a beginning of a really good monologue

I think. I think so too.
Thank you.

Anyway, you got a monologue

Jules? No, I don't. You watch a lot of

anime.

I'm fine.

Hold on. You know what? I want to focus

more on her. I'm in a room full of

non-improvisers. Oh yeah.
Can you do it? Nah, I can't do it. No, I want to focus well on her.
I'm in a room full of non-improvisers.

Oh, yeah.

Can you do it?

Nah, I can't do it.

No, I want to do this.

You can do it?

No.

No.

You can't do it? I don't watch anime.

I barely fucking watch TV.

All right.

But let's do this with Jules.

I want to know personally what it's like to live with my brother Bobby Lee.

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I've talked about it to you before, right?

Yeah.

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Tito Bobby just bought an air fryer. And then he has been cooking stupid food every night.
And he doesn't clean it. And so the kitchen is all messed up.
And then when I ask him to clean it, he says, no. Because I have this big house that I'm letting you sleep, eat, and do everything.
So you should clean it. And it's all messed up.
I have to clean it every night. Okay.
I might need a second here. Why? I'm so furious here Why? I'm so furious Why? I'm so No Don't say Think about what you're about to say I didn't Ask Don't What are you a fucking Jedi master? No I'm just Just calm You calm Be good Alright Okay I'm calm down now Okay Okay You Okay.
You little pathetic trollop.

You're a pathetic little shit nugget, huh?

You're a piece of shit.

Oh, interesting.

So can I ask you a question real quick?

I just want one incident, okay?

Two nights ago.

Very specific.

Right?

I don't remember.

I cleaned the kitchen. Just stop, okay? And then you go, did Auntie Kalilah clean the kitchen? She said that.
And I go, no I did. I don't remember that.
And you ask Kalilah, did you clean the kitchen? Because I did such a good job. You couldn't believe it.
No. Wait.
Wait, wait, wait. Let me tell you something.

Go ahead. When you clean that,

I also had to clean it again because all the

plates had

small things that you couldn't

wash. Fruit flies? Yeah.

That fruit flies fucked hard. No, like a little stain.

Like stains, but fruit flies?

What the fuck are we in fucking Malaysia?

No, no, no. There's fruit flies in all your homes.

Fruit flies and stains.

Everywhere.

Everywhere.

Really?

Anywhere you live, fruit flies.

Why you got fruit flies?

Anywhere he would live, fruit flies.

Everywhere.

What?

Let me ask you a question, fucker.

Why would one have fucking fruit flies, fucker?

Because you don't take out the trash.

No, I love fruit.

Oh, you don't take out the trash.

I love fruit. You don't take out the trash no i love fruit oh you don't take out the trash i love the trash god man don't we love fruit but listen there's a lot of people that love fruit but i don't see fruit flies are you not eating your fruit oh all right you fucking bro i live with two jungle asians uh-huh right you you put a man i'll give you just take this I buy a mango at the store.
I park my car. As soon as I walk, I have the mango in my hand.
As soon as I walk through the door, it's gone. Open your mouth.
Open your mouth, Jules. The seed is in her mouth.
They love it. They.
They love mangoes? Yeah. Now what? Fruit fries.
What they do with the seeds? They go like... They put a seed just in the middle of the fucking living room, dude.
Oh, so that's how the fruit flies gather. Because that's their culture.
Jules, you do that? No, I don't. No, I don't.
Yeah, you do. I don't.
No, you do. You do it.
Shit head. Fuck you.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck you. We do that all the time.
I was like, this is a very interesting podcast. We'll be having dinner, right? And her and I will just look at each other at dinner.
Yeah. And she'll go, fuck you.
We hate each other. Damn.
But love. There's love, though.
Yeah, there's love. There's love.
He loves you. Yeah.
There's a lot of love. Come on.
Oh, my God. Can I ask you this? Am I invited to the UFC fight tomorrow I mean I miss Going to your place And watching fights Are you Booster Shit I didn't get the booster No Okay If you would have got the booster 100% I'm gonna say something right now Because today Louis Anderson died Yeah Oh god And I have to say I have to talk about it Yeah yeah go ahead I have to talk about it I cannot talk about it Yeah go ahead Bob Alright You know this Because I feel like You went through the process It's hard Comedy It's one of the worst Human environments Ever, I think.
I can't imagine any.

I don't see any other, you know what I mean, entertainment medium that's as difficult.

Acting's hard.

Everything's hard, I guess.

Everything's hard.

Everything's hard.

But comedy's especially dark.

Yeah, it gets real dark.

I don't know.

I always think about that type of shit all the time because I journal like fucking religiously.

What?

I remember what I mean.

What?

What?

What?

He journals religiously. it he journals so diary yeah like journals diary kind of but go ahead chapelle so you have a diary this motherfucker yeah no do you have a diary yeah i know it's a journal i don't like because when guys say journal i don't say say dear diary.
But that's what you are doing. I don't go dear diary.
Do you do this ever? I don't go. Today was hard.
Never. Never, yeah.
I had a difficult situation today. Never.
I don't break it down like that. You don't.
So never in your diary you go. Journal.
It's journal. I have feelings for this person and they rejected it.
No. So there's never introspection I'm not 14 years old There's no introspection going on It's a lot of introspection But it's not written like that Like what? You're talking like As if I'm like 13 years old I know but I want to know I know you're like I want to know the tone Oh it's usually just like Like okay I have a big anger problem Most people don't know that What? Yeah I have a massive anger problem So Most people don't know that.

What?

Yeah, I have a massive anger problem.

So whenever something happens, like if a situation is thrown my way,

I'll journal about how I'm actually proud of myself

that I didn't react the way I normally would have.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got an anger problem, too.

I know he does.

You're breathing?

How do you get through the anger?

How do I get through it? Yeah. Oh, man.
it can be fucking tough but I just get really silent. When I'm really silent? You internalize? When I'm really silent, it's like, oh shit.
There's something wrong. That's me now.
Back in the day. You would physically snap.
When I saw that video of you flipping, that doesn't look like you. That looks like a 10 times bigger version of what...
Were you bigger then? No, I was slimmer. Slimmer.
You were. He was slimmer.
I was shredded. You were shredded then.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't have a good...
You look okay now. I have a good...
You know what? It's got a Forrest Whitaker vibe. Cut that out.
That's what you gave me? Ghost Talks Ghost dog Cause I love ghost dog I'll take that And when I said ghost dog I didn't mean ghost dog But I knew that ghost dog Would make you feel better Yeah yeah How'd you know Dude you know me too I fucking know How is he This is I don't know how I'm getting jealous now I don't know how he does it Cause I thought I said Forrest Whitaker body You give him a body then And maybe there'll be a banding effect But the fact that he said Forrest Whitaker And he said Ghost Dog And like Ghost Dog is a fucking dope movie Oh I got a better one than that To get you on my side To get you on my side Lawrence Fish get you on my side. All right.
Lawrence Fishburne in Apocalypse Now. I didn't see Apocalypse Now.
I got to see what it looks like. Lawrence Fishburne in The King of New York.
No, no. The King of New York.
No, stop. Lawrence Fishburne in Apocalypse Now.
No, no, no. We got to go to Apocalypse Now first.
Apocalypse Now first. So my brother thinks.
No,ned I'm talking about his body. No, I'm talking about his body.
So you think that that body You think that this body the body of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar that's what his body looks like. No, no, give me some other examples.
No, you give me another example of an actor.

I want to stick with Lawrence.

I want to stick with Lawrence.

The different skin color.

I want to stick with Lawrence.

If we're going to give you another chance, I'd rather use a different actor.

A different actor.

Thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Will Smith in I Am Legend.

I Am Legend.

I Am Legend.

I got one.

I got one.

Denzel in Fences.

I'll take that I am legend. I got one.
I got one. Denzel and fences.
I'll take that. Fuck.
I'll take that. That's a fair one.
It's a fair one. Yep.
That's a fair one. It's a fair one.
So you're giving me like, like, like I don't like, he's giving me very fair body types. You're giving me like, that's fair.
But that's not fair. That's, that's like, I mean, I gave you a real good one.
That's out of my league. What do you mean? Yeah.
It's like me saying you, Chris Hemsworth. It just doesn't make any sense.
It just doesn't make any sense. So are we talking about body type? What are we talking about here? Body type? Yeah, we're talking about body type, man.
No, when you're at your peak in gymnastics, is that what we're talking about? No, we're talking about current. Oh, see? That's where I have to intervene because I thought we were going back to at his peak during his gymnastic years.
We gotta give him another. I believe that he was thinking about that, so go ahead.
That's fair. That's fair.
Go ahead. Now try it.
Yeah, try about it Think about it Yeah think about it I got another one I already have another one Go ahead Go ahead Delroy Lindo in the core I gotta see that one Delroy Lindo the core Yo Yo Check it out dude Yo Any Delroy Lindo Any Delroy Lindo. Any Delroy Lindo.
Face, this is the face. No, no, no.
No, dude. Delroy Lindo, the harder they call.
That ain't happening, bro. No, that ain't happening, bro.
It's a ticket to go. Can we just give you a photo, body photo? I'll take that.
Nah, that ain't happening, bro. Yeah.
Nah. Delroy Lindo, Steve? I'll take Delroy.

Delroy Lindo, right?

I'll take Delroy Lindo.

Yeah, yeah.

Go ahead.

And this is a compliment, dude.

Wait, hold up, hold up.

Go ahead. This is going to be a compliment.

Yeah, go ahead.

Because he's been complimenting me.

I know, man.

I need to get you on my side, man, because I'm jealous of your guys' thing.

Cuba Gooding Jr. and Jerry Maguire.
Okay. Let's talk about, can I say something right now? Yeah.
And I'm about to, because the UFC is tomorrow. Go down the lineup.
No, I don't know the lineup, but I only know the two, but there is a fighter, a Mexican kid, who's the champion now. Yeah, he's the 125.
Brandon Moreno. Yeah, the 125 pound guy.
Stunned. I already know.
You don't know what I'm saying. So Kalilah said today, I was going, I was watching the Embedded.
And I go, Brandon Moreno, he's pretty fucking cute, huh? He's a cutie. And she goes, I know why you're saying that.
And I go, why? She goes,

it's so weird and gross.

And I go,

why?

He goes,

he's the Mexican version of your brother.

Wow.

Cut that out of the whole thing.

That's my brother.

Wow.

That's the next.

Have you seen him talk and talk to his kids and the way he acts? He just like you He's a kid baby He's a beast though Is that a compliment? Keep it in Keep it in That's you dude That's a compliment Now give me a body Everyone give me a body now. Okay, well, hold up.
I just saw the Pat Morita documentary. I need to walk away now.
I need to walk away. Holy moly guacamole.
It's getting real, my friend. Dude, I'm just letting you know.
Hold up. I'm just letting the whole world know.
Yeah, yeah. Dude, that's the most closest to you that I could imagine.
Wow. Not only body type, facial structure, hair, everything.
Behavior. Behavior.
That is you. Behavior.
And you know it. Bro.
I wasn't going to say that. And you know it.
And you know it. I was going to say the grandpa from Three Ninjas.
That's who I was going to say. Pull it up, dude.
That's a good one. Let's do it.
I love that dude. There you go.
Oh, yeah. Pretty close.
He was a G. Pretty damn close.
It's crazy. Dude, that's a great documentary, though.
The more than Miyagi. Have you seen this documentary? I I haven't You know what the saddest part of it? Do you see the spot Where he's doing that bong He's like 70 years old Yeah And he's smoking this bong With like all these young kids Yeah And he's like at a party Really? He's an alcoholic Yeah and in my head I'm like Oh I didn't know that Yeah in my head I'm like It just doesn't look right Or feel right Yeah You know what I mean Like he should be like You know Babysitting his grandkids Yeah And going to like Disneyland Some of the more family vibe People don't know He was a stand up He was a stand up comedian He was a stand up comedian People don't realize that His career is so much like mine It is It's so much It is His career is so much Even him as a person He was like the San Francisco guy Like this guy Guy was born here Just talk like us Yeah Regular guy Did you know he was on Happy Days? Yeah of course Yeah yeah yeah They cover that I never knew why Did you know why When he was on When Pat Morita was on Happy Days Asians We went Holy morning Yeah When We turned on Whatever that was That's amazing Happy Days.
Asians, we went, we turned on whatever that was. Happy Days.
And he came, we on TV. They went crazy.
For real? Yeah, they went crazy. And the reason why the next year he wasn't on the show anymore is because the network gave him his own show.
Oh, that's right. And it failed.
get back in Really? Until Karate Kid Yeah But you have to understand From Happy Days to Karate Kid You're talking about 20 years Oh you're right So what did he do? I know what did he do? Just guest starring and different things.

Yeah, it's hard, man.

But yeah, man, if you want to, if I'm telling you right now, if you want to know somebody

that's very similar to Bobby Lee, what's beyond Miyagi?

So then you better take his compliment instead of mine.

Yours was an attack.

Yours was such a fundamental attack.

First of all, you don't even give me an actor that's even famous. You go, oh, you know, that guy that died in Total Recall.
You're like, I'm the guy that died in Total Recall? Yeah, the dude in the beginning in the elevator. I'm like, what the fuck? That's a damn good movie, though.
Damn good movie. Right? The original Total Recall, right? Damn good.
Fucking damn good movie.

So in a way, that was a compliment.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, I can't believe I didn't kill you long ago.

Growing up, I don't know.

No, it's okay.

But do you remember how violent Dad was?

Why you bring that up?

That's what else we have in common. You had an abusive dad? Yeah.
That's why I brought it up. He wanted me to.
You know what he did? He looked at me. Do you know what he did? He went like this.
He went He did the I thing again, dude. I did not do that.
You guys do have a connection. No, you do.
I'm realizing that. I'll accept that.
do have a special connection with my brother. So was your dad violent? Stepfather.
And was he, let me ask you something, okay? Your mother raised you then. Yeah, I was with my, well, my story's kind of tricky.
I want to know. So I was with my biological mom and my stepfather, right? Both black? Yeah, both black.
And my stepfather had kicked me out, and then I was adopted Into a white family Well I didn't know that Yeah Your senior year Or just in high school I was in high school Yeah I love those liberal White families That do that Love Nothing but love The Sandra Bullock And the Tim McGraw Yeah I love it What do they feed you? The worst shit ever. Like what? That food was trash.
No, really? They don't listen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're like super Christian. Oh, they must love you.
So you went to church? You had to go to church and all that? No, they actually, at first they were pretty hard about it. And then eventually they were like, oh, you ain't going.
Yeah, yeah. Right, right, right.
But you probably didn't do drugs or drink. You were no troublemaker.
I into drinking Oh you were? Yeah Well beer I've been off alcohol Almost eight years Oh wow Which is hard liquor or beer Like what? Yeah wild turkey Put a little hair on your chest Damn Yeah man Damn I was pretty That's yeah that was my When you're flipping around But you know I like anything else. But Chappelle, when you're doing the flip, in your head, I should be a comedian.
When does that happen? Someone dared me. Oh, wow.
And I just got on stage and I did it and I was like, I'm dropping out. Of college? Yeah.
Yeah. My friend Randy signed me up.
So we were at a place called Thomas Payne Coffee Shop. In San Diego.
In San Diego. And I met this guy named randy at improv class this old jewish guy he had like glasses he goes well i'm doing i'm gonna i'm doing stand-up now so you know improv's not my thing anymore so let me go check you out yeah so he went to a coffee shop he goes up and i was so impressed that he went up there he bombed but just the act of he's a guy I met in class.
He's now really doing it.

Yeah.

He decided to sign his name up and go in front of strangers.

Was it like a bookstore?

It's a coffee shop.

Thomas Kane coffee shop.

Thomas Payne coffee shop.

And he gets off.

And as I'm saying –

He did it, man.

Wow.

That impressed you.

It impressed me.

How are you feeling, man?

While I'm doing that, I hear, Bobby Lee, he signed me up. Oh, no.
That impressed you? It impressed me. How are you feeling, man? Adrenaline.

While I'm doing that, I hear, Bobby Lee.

He signed me up.

Oh, no.

And I go, and he goes, you got to do it.

And I went up there, and I remember the bit I did.

What'd you do?

I did a bit about LSD.

Go ahead.

It's not good.

Just do it.

I have to stand up and do it.

Okay, do it. Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Do it.

Do it.

Yeah.

Okay.

LSD is a crazy drug, man. You take it, it man It doesn't hit you Until like 45 minutes later Like when you take it at first You're like I don't feel anything I don't feel anything Right So I do this So I do this Right Oh you did that Yeah I do this A cartoon eye thing Yeah Right And it's one of those Where you think you're doing one thing, but you're really doing something else.
Oh, no. You think you're walking down the street like this.
And then you do the walk? Right, I go, no one notices. Yeah, I'm good.
No one, right? But you're really walking down the street like this. I do a crazy, you know what I mean? Act out.
No one notices. Are you feeling cringe right now? No one notices.
But it's still got to laugh. So you did well.

Well, you're making fun of me now.

No, no, no.

You didn't bomb though.

It's not about bombing or killing.

It's about going up there.

What people don't realize,

it's not about doing well or doing bad.

God and the universe.

What?

No, I love this.

You're clearing out the bad news. No, no, no.

I love what you're about to do.

Everyone listen to me right now.

This is a truth.

God doesn't care

if you win or lose.

He just cares if you try.

Is that what he said?

What?

Where did you find that quote?

There's no quote.

He's just doing that right now.

You're speaking for God.

Yeah, that's, yeah.

I shouldn't speak for God.

You're right.

I shouldn't speak for God.

It's God.

So what I'm saying, though, is I think.

Yes, there we go.

There we go.

My belief is this, right?

Right?

That, like, you get rewarded for trying.

Right?

It's in the trying because when you try, even if you fail, especially doing stand-up.

Oh, it's painful.

It's not painful for me.

It isn't?

I'm so excited. worded for trying right it's in the trying because when you try even if you fail uh-huh especially doing stand-up oh it's painful it's not painful for me it is it's painful at first but but oh it's a bomb but yeah but the but the overriding but the overriding feeling when you bomb the overriding feeling when your bomb is bad is bad but there's underlining feeling of pride what do you mean by that for just doing it yeah really can be bummed that you bombed, but there's still an underlying feeling that you fucking did it.
Really? And that you're a man. That you walked through the fire? And you were brave and you walked through the fucking fire.
I hate anyone that doesn't walk through fire. But you guys haven't bombed in a long time.
I bomb all the time. No.
I bomb all the time. No.
Yeah, I do. No, you don't.
I bomb all the time, man. No, you don't.
No, no, no. Have you seen it? Absolutely not.
George? Have you seen me bomb? George? George? Absolutely not. Even when Bob thinks he bombs, he does better than most people, but I've seen him bomb for him.
I rest my case. That's fair.
I rest my case. That's fair.
I rest my case. No, your idea of bombing is like...
I really bombed. I really bombed at the lab.
I really bombed. It was like a bad dream bomb.
Oh, you talked to me right after that? Yeah. Did you see it? I didn't see it.
We talked about it right after it happened. Did anybody ever say to you, did you see Bobby's brother? He's terrible.
Chappelle, look at me.

Chappelle. No one's never

said that to me. No, no, no, you can say it.

The fact that he put that energy out there. No, no, no, Chappelle, you can say it.

You can say it. I'll tell you why.

I told you why I throw the energy because I know how he thinks.

Yeah. Right? And everything that he's

thinking right now or saying is based

on his own mind and how

he funneled the experience in his own mind but it's not necessarily the truth and i know this is because him and i do the same thing and that's why we get in trouble a lot when we tell stories because they're not really true right they're just how we interpret it interpret it and also we also we're not willing to tell it unless it's good. So how do you make a story good? You lie.

No, no, no, no. it.
Interpret it and also we're not willing to tell it unless it's good.

So how do you make a story good? You lie.

No, I didn't lie about that. You exaggerate and you lie all the time.

That's you. You're deflecting.
That's

you do that. I admit it.

Can you admit it? Do I do that too?

Can you admit it? Do I do that too? Yeah.

I told you earlier. I was like, you're the most

honest man that I think. I think

I don't do that.

I don't do that as much as you think Alright so you Let's go back to the story Let's go back to the story So you think I did horribly For you Dude But no one in the audience Don't remembers Not only remembers Cares They don't care You're right You're absolutely remembers, cares. They don't care.
You're right. You're absolutely right.
Nobody cares. No one cares.
You know what? They probably don't even remember. They never even thought about it.
But you spend days and weeks punishing yourself for something that never happened. I'm still thinking about it.
It's insanity. You're still thinking about it? Yeah.
I about it yeah i haven't gone up since how long ago or weeks ago a month like a month i haven't gone up in a month yeah but i'm doing guest spots with yeah i'm doing guest spots soon so i'm gonna go back up okay because because if you don't no no no i am but this is the thing let me finish because if you don't look at me right now because if you don't look at me right now look at him you're a fucking coward oh i know i'm not i don't want to be no coward that same face that i'm not gonna do that that stern face right there that's what got me you know this is the reason why and this is the reason why because i realize i can't let them win i need to you know what i'm saying like even though because they that night they were critiquing the whole thing but that didn't you see you see what i've dealt with all these years man when i try to really communicate with this guy he tunes out but this is really vital this is a vital thing about you about like getting through certain experiences man i don where you're at. What are you talking about? You're at the lab.
You're not even in the main room. The lab is the lobby.
The lab is just a couple of chairs and people waiting to go somewhere. So anyway.
Okay, thanks for tuning in. No, wait, well, have you gone up in the lab?

Yeah.

Have you gone up in the lab?

But that's why they called it the lab.

Yeah.

In labs, they experiment and they fail.

Oh, and then that wraps up.

This wraps up this episode of Bad Friends.

Yeah, because this wraps it up because it's in the title.

Lab means you bomb.

What, the laboratory? Yeah. So it's an experiment.
That was the whole point of it. It's to bomb.
Right? So you're bummed about doing the job that you were supposed to do. No one even knows what happened.
You're right. I didn't even notice the obvious.
I've seen it a million times. Oh, you've seen it go up? Yeah.
Hey, do you guys, there was a mini earthquake on the southeast. In the Tonga Islands.
No, no. There was actually a little mini earthquake in the southeast portion of Mars recently.
Uh-oh. Really? But do you care? I don't like what you're doing right now Do you care? No You know what?

Pretty far away Don't give a fuck

Don't throw anything at me dude

Alright

So what I'm saying to you

Is that you take things personally

You're right

You're absolutely right

All your fears

And all the things that happen to you

Is in your mind

Chappelle is he right?

And I just want you to grow

Listen bombing in the lab

Yeah

Is he right Chappelle?

Look at me

It's like this This is my my brother. Why are you crying, Steve? I had a devastating set in the belly room.
In the belly room. Was Allison Jones there? I'm going to do it.
Be a man. Be a lead, dude.
Be a man. Not only that, I'm riding some new shit.
Be a fucking warrior. I'm riding some new shit.
You're right. Yeah.
There you go. Cowboy bebop rap.
So why don't you recap what we talked about since the beginning? Because I feel like you were asleep the whole time.

Kind of.

Yeah, go ahead.

I remember that you have the smallest dick in the room.

That was one, two, and a three.

Yeah.

And then to be cool, you have to know a lot of different musics,

like what he knows. Yeah, he knows yeah yeah name one pavement album

the red one that was good go ahead um when you both were younger steve was cooler than you even though you're the oldest um

um

um

um

um you even though you're the oldest um keep going i love what you're doing and even now i think i think steve has a cooler look than you did to bobby I love it. Keep going.

Good? You're killing it. Feel good? You're killing it.
Good. Stevie, that's you, dog.
That's you, dog? What do you mean? You're killing it. What a fun episode, huh? Did you guys have fun? That was fun.
But I'm bringing it up. Anyway, so guys, at the same time, we're going to say thank you for being a bad friend 3, 2, 1 thank you for being a bad friend I was a fool to Ralph?? Yes.
To Ralph Macchio.

To Ralph Macchio.

We talked about it.

I'll just say it real quick. No, no, this is Jules' time.

Jules, you know the story?

I'll just do the story.

Let Jules do her thing.

So, you know, there was a movie called The Karate Kid.

Popular movie.

Heard of it.

Mr. Miyagi's in it, but the star of it was a guy named Ralph Macchio.

And if you watch the new Cobra Kai, he's in it.

Nicest kid. So there was a time, Jules, where I was a guy named Ralph Macchio.
And if you watch the new Cobra Kai, he's in it. Nicest kid.
So there was a time,

Jules, where I was a star.

And when I was a star, they used to have

me host variety shows.

And I hosted a show called

The Asian Excellence Awards

hosted by Bobby Lee.

Right? And I go up and I do a monologue.

It was at the Wiltern.

Quentin Tarantino was there. Right? Danny DeVito.
Remember you sat in Danny DeVito's seat? I took Danny DeVito's seat. I sat in Danny DeVito's seat.
It says Danny DeVito on the seat. Danny DeVito standing.
My brother's sitting on the seat. And I said, this is my seat, bro.
Yeah. I was a fool.
He was drunk. That's why he's sober.
So there was one point where I was sitting there and I'm like, where's my brother?

Oh, he's gone.

Thank God.

So I'm sitting with Ralph Macchio.

He's sitting on the chair.

I think Tarantino's there too.

Yeah.

My brother's full-blown blackout drunk.

So I'm talking to Ralph Macchio.

And so I'm here.

Ralph Macchio's right there.

We're sitting on couches.

Okay.

This is my brother.

I swear to God. Rob Macho.
Karate Kid. No, I said...
No, I said... No, he didn't.
No, I said... This is what I did.
You did this? No, I went, Karate Kid did. Karate Kid did.
One of my favorites. Something stupid.
But not once. I kept bothering.
All night long. You did it all night long? Karate Kid, man.
I think you did it. I think I went where he went like this.
Oh, you did. You hit him with the fucking.
I didn't do that. You hit him with.
No, I didn't do that. The crane.
See, this is where. You hit him with the fucking crane.'t do that No, I didn't do that See, this is where No, no, no This is where exaggeration This is how it exaggerates I never did the crane George, I didn't do the crane I never did the crane I never did the crane You would have been funny if you kicked him in the face with the crane That would have been funny Never did it And Ralph goes, that was good.
And now it's time.

It's Jules' time.

Yeah, that's so Jules.

Yeah.