Ruthless Toothless & The Lollypop Kids

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. You are these two idiots.

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 You two or something. We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 They were naked with you, weren't they? Did they get naked with you? It was just... Yeah, they got naked.

Speaker 1 My brother and Jeremiah got naked for you.

Speaker 1 Yes. But you know what? What it was?

Speaker 1 Gay?

Speaker 1 You know, that was the head of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Your brother, he lost. He got a little bit of a loser mentality.
Like you, he lost. He lost, bro.
Lost what? In strip poker.

Speaker 1 Oh, and strip poker. Yeah.
That's what it is. Yeah, that's what it is.
So, you know, it was, and Jeremiah said, you know what, he did the friend thing. Why are you cheaps flapping in the window?

Speaker 1 Let's get to the cheaps flapping in the wind. Let's get to the story now.

Speaker 1 Why aren't you drunk? Why are you drunk? Oh, because

Speaker 1 I have the dentist fucked up my two.

Speaker 1 Toof. Hey, tooth.
O-O-F. Toof.
Toof. Say it again.
The dentist fucked up my two. See? Okay, good.
It's F. No, it ain't tooth.
It's tooth. What do you mean? Is it one-two or twofaces? It's tooth.

Speaker 1 It's a tooth. It's one-tooth.
No, one-to-foot. I've never heard of that.
Don't tell him. Too faces.
It's not a word. Two vises is not? No, it's not.

Speaker 1 Get to the story, man. Okay, so you know, I went to.
Why are you Bill W now?

Speaker 1 Who the fuck is Bill W? He started AA. Which is a joke.
Come on. Anyway, get to the story.
All right, yeah, anyway. So I went to the dentist, and I was supposed to get a root canal.

Speaker 1 And then the guy went into my mouth and he fucked up the root canal, right? And he drilled. Imagine where he goes.
Dude. I mean, what does he do? It's yellow pages? Yep.
No.

Speaker 1 What? Craig's list? I mean, how does he get his downloads? Brown pages.

Speaker 1 That's what he did.

Speaker 1 He downloaded the brown pages. He gets his dentist from Brewgrinder.
Hey, man, yo, Toofer. Yeah, you toother.
Come through. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't do twofuses, though. I move locations off.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. You tell my goddamn story.
How about that?

Speaker 1 So he fucked up your tooth. Yeah, he fucked up.
Wow. For sure, his dentist was.
Because he was drunk.

Speaker 1 You know how, like, they have to go in the orphas to get. It's like four different orphanes in a group.
You saying office or orphus?

Speaker 1 Orifices. You're saying like the dentist office? That's.
No, no, not office, orphans. Yeah, yeah.
Y'all fucking with that. That's a fear show.

Speaker 1 I don't even know why you're talking about it. No, Steve Corellin in the Orphas.
Yeah, yeah. That's another very well.
That's disrespectful. That's what the fuck is that.

Speaker 1 You know how much I love Steve Corell in the Orphus? That's my favorite. favorite.
Ray Wilson? She is. Yo, right in the Orphis.
So dope in the Orpheus.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. All right, let's go.
Let me finish my story, okay?

Speaker 1 All right. So anyway, I go there.
He drills in the Orphus, but he misses.

Speaker 1 He goes off. Just real quick.
I'm sorry. I want to earn up.
Just don't say Orphus again. It's making me laugh.
Why is it making me laugh? Just the way you say it is making me laugh.

Speaker 1 It's fucking up the story.

Speaker 1 So just don't say Orphis again. We're going to leave it at that.
All right. All right.
So he drills through the the tooth.

Speaker 1 Good. Yo.
And he goes out the side of the tooth through his fucking tooth into another tooth.

Speaker 1 Why does it? Hold on, but then you know how, like, wait.

Speaker 1 Let me stop. The only way to get to one of the teeth is through another tooth.
No, no, no. No.
He did it on accident. He did it on accident.
Oh, I see. His dentist did an accident.

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought he was challenging himself. Let me see if I can get to this

Speaker 1 through this other tooth.

Speaker 1 I did it. So tell him now what happens.
So then he takes, he says, Okay, let me see where I'm at. And he puts the splints into my tooth to see to do the x-ray.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then he takes the fucking x-ray, and the splint is going through the tooth into the next tooth. I go, what the fuck? I said, bro, that ain't supposed to.
He said, you know what?

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. What color was he? He said, you know what? I'll just put some semen in here.
Semen.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 I don't know what the fuck. You're not going to be able to do it.

Speaker 1 You'll go to the house for some of them.

Speaker 1 You're going to do the wrong denies. Can I just say this? I've never been to

Speaker 1 Orthodontic School. How do you say that? Sure.
Why not? Orthodontic school? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, to be dentistry school.
Yeah, dentistry school. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Never been through it, but I'm pretty sure semen has nothing to do with it. Yeah, why would he fill your tooth with semen? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure there's a semi-man.

Speaker 1 Okay, we're doing wordplay today. Okay, well, you're doing wordplay.

Speaker 1 You said

Speaker 1 fucking semen, bro. No, no, no, I wasn't sucking dick at the dentist office.

Speaker 1 But you said semen. You said semen.
I think I have to say cement. Oh, cement.
No, he said semen. He said semen.
He said semen.

Speaker 1 All right. What the fuck is it here? Anyway, what did you, what, Rudy, what did he say? Semen.
Semen. Yeah, semen.
Yeah, he said semen. How about how about this?

Speaker 1 That's what you heard, semen, like sperm semen? Doc. Oh, shit.
No orifices, no more semen.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. Those are the two words.
Oh, come on.

Speaker 1 Maybe because... Maybe because of my tooth, I'm sounding like it's sounding a little different.
All right. How about that? Just try to find different replacements for the words.
okay yeah we'll agree

Speaker 1 all right so anyway he put uh some plaster in there right there it is there it is i understand that yeah

Speaker 1 that makes sense

Speaker 1 no denied yeah

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 1 and uh

Speaker 1 it got infected

Speaker 1 and uh dude discount dentists yeah swole up my jaw uh-huh and i went back in and he fucking pulled my tooth he pulled it yeah he had to pull the tooth when he touches his jaw he said it feels like sand.

Speaker 1 It's all broken. Oh, yeah, because he, well, that was something that he did before.

Speaker 1 Went in for. He went back.
Yeah. Yeah.
You got to get a different dentist, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You're going to look at the license, see if he has one. Does not.
Definitely doesn't have one.

Speaker 1 Dude, he found him on Groupon. He got him off of Groupon.

Speaker 1 You don't believe where he's at, though. He's in Studio City.
He's supposed to be a problem. Ooh, fancy.
Fancy.

Speaker 1 Studio City. Wait, so tell him.

Speaker 1 So tell him.

Speaker 1 Where's the tooth now?

Speaker 1 Dude, he has a hole in his mouth. He just left him with a hole in his jaw.
I thought you were going to tell me he was going to be putting this pillow.

Speaker 1 The dentist was like, can I take this homo and put it under my pillow?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Can you see Rudy? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Give her that mic.
We give her that mic for a minute, just so she can. Okay.
Hold on, so he doesn't have to be a little bit more. So, Doc, Doc, you know that I'm missing 13 teeth, right?

Speaker 1 No, for real? Yeah. I could believe that.
You're kind of dumb.

Speaker 1 what? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Real attitude.

Speaker 1 Kind of what? You're kind of dumb. So dumb people, they fall in.
Dude, you're the one that's letting dentists put semen in your fucking teeth.

Speaker 1 Who are you to talk?

Speaker 1 He's, dude, he's hype.

Speaker 1 He goes and he trades on us and goes to that other dork show.

Speaker 1 Then he comes in here with real attitude. Dude, you know what he said to him? You know what he said to Fancy when he came into the hotel? No, I can't.

Speaker 1 He goes, man, y'all didn't get me a big enough room. That's what he said to Fancy.
Y'all didn't get me a big enough room. See how this room is? Got a fucking patty.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're not Andrew Santino, fucked hard. Oh, i'm close to him no you're not man nowhere near dude bro he goes y'all didn't get me a big enough room

Speaker 1 oh my god i'm goddamn special dude he goes andres he goes andres andres how much how much room service can we get that's what he said to andres that's all he wants toothless ruthless toothless over there yeah so you can still drink though right nah because it's it messes with the clot in there Just drink it away.

Speaker 1 Who cares? Yeah, drink it the cloud.

Speaker 1 Bobby lost 13 teeth. He's fine.
Yeah. You never heard that song? Are you serious? You lost 13 teeth? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bro, right? Fuck. Come over here.
Nah, because you're going to fucking be. I'm not.
Okay. Let me come on over there.
God knows. But if you get it, fucking violent.
I'm going to get violent.

Speaker 1 See how this will work. I'm not even going to touch you, bro.
This isn't going to work. You can't go the other way or I could go.

Speaker 1 Just jump over the couch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's go. Look at this little guy.
Man, what you need, play boy? Look on this side of the mouth down here, okay? Okay. Oh, you want me to look at you?

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Shit.
How do you fucking both sides? God. Teeth missing.
Sit back down. He can only eat egg salad.
Man,

Speaker 1 you brought a few teeth away from giving out gummies, huh?

Speaker 1 That's another joke.

Speaker 1 I feel like that's a joke. All right, well, I think with these two bad jokes back to back,

Speaker 1 I think it's time for me to announce what's going on tonight. Yeah.
We're in San Diego, first of all. Bad friends, we're in San Diego.
The crew is here. We're all going to the show tonight.

Speaker 1 I'm doing a performance at the Balboa Theater, totally sold out. And Doc is opening the show tonight.
Hell yeah. You doing stand-up tonight? He's doing stand-up tonight.
How much time? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Willis is here. All right, man.

Speaker 1 15 minutes, bro. Who's opening? Doc.

Speaker 1 He's doing 10. Two minutes.
He's going out. Yeah.
He fancy he's going to introduce the show. Yeah.
Doc is going to go up and he's got to do 25 minutes. 25.
You can do 25? Shit, I guess so.

Speaker 1 I ain't done it in a while, but I can do it. Yeah, yeah.
You excited? Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Look at his face. He's glowing.
He's so mad.

Speaker 1 If you take the time away from him, I'm never going to forgive you. I might.
I know you are. I feel like this is it.

Speaker 1 I feel like you're propping propping him up, and in the last second, it's going to be a letdown and it's going to be funny on camera. Yep, right, but it's going to break his heart.

Speaker 1 What are you going to do? Nothing. That's life.

Speaker 1 That's actually a life, right? Andrew, isn't that life? That's life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's life. That's life, dog.
That's it. Okay.

Speaker 1 Rudy, how was the drive? Did you like it? A little trip down to San Diego? You know what's so funny? I asked her, I go on the car ride, then I asked you about Harry Styles.

Speaker 1 I go, if you were married to Harry Styles, he came up to you and he said, Hi, I'm quitting

Speaker 1 music. I'm in.

Speaker 1 And I want to marry you. And we're going to just live on an island, and I'm going to drink 24 hours a day, become an alcoholic, and just eat whatever I want to.
Get fat.

Speaker 1 I go, how long will you stay with him? She'd stay for two years.

Speaker 1 That's the number. Yeah, two years.
Two measurements. Two years of an alcoholic.
Wait, why? Drinking.

Speaker 1 Why not forever at that point? Two years. What do you have? Would you have a limit on it? Yeah, because I think by the end of the two years, I'd be gross out.
He'll get fat. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what's up, Doc? Who's Harry Styles?

Speaker 1 Give him the mic.

Speaker 1 Give him the mic. What did he just say to the mom? Who is Harry Styles? Who is Harry Styles?

Speaker 1 It's all right. It's all right.
It's all right. Easy, easy, easy.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Bobby, tell him who it is.

Speaker 1 He don't know either. Look at me.

Speaker 1 He does. He just can't believe that you don't know.
I can't believe you don't know. He's like one of the most famous black activists

Speaker 1 on earth.

Speaker 1 You don't know Harry Styles?

Speaker 1 Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Harry Styles.

Speaker 1 She's showing you a joke photo. That's not.
Edgar Mevers.

Speaker 1 I've never seen this guy in my life. You've never seen this man? No.
Do you have the internet at your house?

Speaker 1 Is he. Okay.
He's not from Harry Potter, is he?

Speaker 1 Don't fuck with me, man. Don't do that.
He's Harry Potter. No, don't fuck with me.
No, Harry's ass. I'm serious.
I've never seen this in the middle. He's Harry Potter Styles.

Speaker 1 Hey, no, man. This fucking guy has been a single single single.
Harry Potter Styles. This fucking guy is hilarious.
Dude, Harry Potter Styles.

Speaker 1 He's a fucking singer. Why did I say he was Harry Potter? How are you alive?

Speaker 1 How do you function in society? Hey, man, you don't know anything.

Speaker 1 How the fuck do you pay your taxes? Man, you pay rent. How do you survive? Hey, I'm just like the rest of America.
We do the bare minimum. We just eat and sleep.

Speaker 1 That's what we do and work a little bit.

Speaker 1 Is Harry Styles a part of Harry Potter?

Speaker 1 He is. He is.
He very much so is. He really is.
Hey, man, I didn't know. No, God bless you.
Look how young he is, though. See, I'm

Speaker 1 48. Well, Bobby knows, and he's like, what are you, 67?

Speaker 1 What old are you?

Speaker 1 I love how you don't know Harry Styles and yet you're trying to slam me and do a slam joke. I'm just.
That hurt.

Speaker 1 All right. You're the fucking guy that doesn't know who Harry Styles is, you fucker.

Speaker 1 Hey, you try to fucking age shame me? Don't age shame. I try to.

Speaker 1 Harry Styles

Speaker 1 was in a pop band from England called One Direction. Huge.

Speaker 1 They were discovered by

Speaker 1 Simon Cowell on X Factor. Okay.
They were all contestants. He put them all together.
They created a band called One Direction.

Speaker 1 Harry Styles happens to be one of the guys that created a solo career, and now he is one of the biggest stars, as big as Adele, as big as

Speaker 1 Beyonce was at the wartime. Fuck, no, I know.
No, you don't know. Timberlake and the

Speaker 1 same group. No.
Yeah, same group. Timberlake.
Same. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This guy fucking doesn't know. Fuck Timberlake, he said.
He is. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa. Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 1 Try to figure out that. Oh, shit.
That's right. Timberlake is

Speaker 1 Beth Street Boys. No, he's.
In sync. In sync.
There it is. Let him have it.
Yeah, I was there. I was fucking there.
So you know who. But it was all boy bands, so I'm right there.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So you think Harry Styles was in a band with Chester and Timberlake? I was trying to, like. They're close.
Man, I couldn't fucking. I was trying to, yeah, I couldn't.
I was trying to fit in.

Speaker 1 How come there's no more all

Speaker 1 boy bands? There is. Boys to men.
Yeah, there's not anymore. What is now? Now? No, that said, how come there isn't anymore? Yeah.
Boys to men was so good. That's amazing.
Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 How do it work?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, there was one group after them. Who? Jagged Edge.
Oh, Jagged Edge. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So good. Yeah, good.
But that's this is all the 90s. Yeah, that's all the 90s.
We haven't had anybody in the 2000s that I know of.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I wish the Jackson 5 was a Jackson 6 and he was a sixth.

Speaker 1 Bro, and the shortest member of the Jackson 6.

Speaker 1 Imagine.

Speaker 1 How funny? Because, like, Michael Jackson is a super talent. A, B, C, you know, he's out there, right? What is this little fuck doing? Damn.
Oh, I'm in the business. Apparently, he's got like

Speaker 1 a running man

Speaker 1 oh my god he's got the triangle you know he's the triangle you know he's the triangle

Speaker 1 the jackson six the jackson six that'd be great you know how funny that'd be

Speaker 1 oh

Speaker 1 how how really how come because korean boy bands are fucking huge the biggest in the world some of the biggest bands right now yeah dude there's a group called bts that's the biggest boy ever been to bts no globally they have to be the biggest band in the world

Speaker 1 okay i mean boy group.

Speaker 1 Well, who do y'all got white right now? That's a big band. Who are the whites have this season?

Speaker 1 American, not like the rookie. Who do the guys? They ain't good rookies.
Yeah. Who do the whites have in there? Y'all have anybody.
Y'all ain't had nobody in the lawn. We're all injured.

Speaker 1 We're all benched.

Speaker 1 You know who's doing all the whites have comebacks. Like the Battery Boys did a comeback tour and Sync.
98 Degrees, they did comeback tours. Boys to Men Sing in Vegas.

Speaker 1 Are they really have a residency in Vegas? They got a residency.

Speaker 1 Yo, we should fucking go. I would love to see that.
I'd rather not. Matter of fact, who is he boys to men in the middle? When I went to to the taping with Jeff Ross and Dave Vitell,

Speaker 1 they was in Bois to Men

Speaker 1 Residency Room. That's where they had.

Speaker 1 So they performed with Boys to Men, David Tell and Jeff Ross. And they were dormant and shit, but they just had the room while they weren't there.

Speaker 1 So we was in there looking at their trophies and shit like that. Trophies? Trophies? Yeah, we had some fruit and shit.
It was good.

Speaker 1 Did you perform on that show? No, I didn't perform. Just me, Ian,

Speaker 1 Ian was at the cellar. Oh, yeah, yeah, the cellar.
And then Ian opened for Dave and Chappelle.

Speaker 1 Oh, Dave Vatelle. Dave Vatelle and Ross.
So I went with him. Did you ever do the seller in Vegas, Bob? No.

Speaker 1 It's a whole week. You know that? Yeah.
It's like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, right?

Speaker 1 Have you? No, I actually did, I did Jimmy Kimmel's Club years ago when it first opened. What's that called? Jimmy Kimmel's Club.
Oh, it is? Fucking guy. Yeah.
He wanted you to know.

Speaker 1 Well, I know who Jimmy Kimmel is. Okay.
No, but it is called Jimmy Kimmel.

Speaker 1 You think that's the same thing? Me not knowing Jimmy Kimmel had a comedy club in Vegas and you not knowing who Harry Styles is? Yeah,

Speaker 1 you think that's the same thing? Yeah, it's the same fucking thing. It's a whole different thing.
In my heart. Doc, you're the one in my fucking art.

Speaker 1 You're the one over there with a semen in your teeth. What the fuck do you mean?

Speaker 1 It's insane. We're still going on the semen.

Speaker 1 We're never going to let that go.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get you, my dentist. I don't trust yours.
No, no, no. I like this.
I like him going to this media. Yeah, I like my man.
Is he a white guy? No, he's Indian, dude.

Speaker 1 That's what's even more of a shit. That's mystery.
Yeah, I figured a white would fuck that up for sure. They're surprising.

Speaker 1 They're usually flawed. But he told me he's 80-something.
How old is he? He's about 80, late 70s. That's who was the best dentist? Yeah, he's been so great for these many years.

Speaker 1 Mark Simone. You know, Mark Simone? Who was that? Steve Simone's brother.
Oh, yeah. Steve told me about that's who I should go to after he heard about this.

Speaker 1 So when his brother 20 years ago lived here, his brother owned his own dentistry in Santa Monica.

Speaker 1 And we would all go there. Would he give you a deal? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He was the best dentist I've I've ever had. Where'd he go? He moved back to Philly.
He moved back to Philly or whatever. Philly.
Yeah, yeah. Wait, Philly? No.

Speaker 1 Wherever they're from. Why try to guess? Why am I yelling? Yeah, Steve was telling me that.
After he found out about this, he was telling me to come out.

Speaker 1 I'm going to the dentist on Wednesday, and I'm nervous because I know they're going to find something.

Speaker 1 It gives me so much. Did you get a clean or what? Huh? Was you getting a cleaning? Yeah, but it's been a while because of COVID.
You do have beautiful teeth. They're real nice.

Speaker 1 The bottoms are getting jagged. They get all, you know, they fall.
Your whole family has good teeth. Yeah, we're teeth people.
Yeah, your mom has a pretty mouth.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 That didn't even come out. I don't know what that was, but.

Speaker 1 Don't.

Speaker 1 I throw it at the goddamn bottle. He deserved that shit.
I saw her on Zoom today. She had a beautiful teeth.
Don't.

Speaker 1 She's a wet. Don't.

Speaker 1 No adjective. Don't.
You're like, I just don't.

Speaker 1 You've never been to San Diego, have you? No, but I slept all the way, so. Yeah, she slept all the way.
The whole drive? Yeah. What the fuck are we going to talk about to me and this one?

Speaker 1 She hates me.

Speaker 1 She doesn't hate you, dude. Do you hate you? She told me there's real Mexicans near here.
There are real Mexicans. So there we go.

Speaker 1 What the fuck, dude? No, I teach. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 This is Mexico Mexicans. Yeah.
You do the borders right there.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 LA. Where do you think we are? You think we're near the Bay Area? Nah, I just.
Mexicans are everywhere in California. But now I know what you mean.
You're talking actual touch over the border. Hey.

Speaker 1 come on. They call them come and go.

Speaker 1 They come and go. Okay, I get it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like day laborers come across the bus. You don't have to put the mic in front of her mouth

Speaker 1 until she talks. She doesn't like it.
Oh, okay. She doesn't like it.
She doesn't like the mic.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Isn't Tommy Hilfiger super racist? That's what they said, but

Speaker 1 you know, Guerrero?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.
I love the brand. You know, I've heard that.
What did he say? It's true. Will you look it up? What did Tommy Hillfiger say?

Speaker 1 I don't think he saying nothing. I think he was end-bombing on a phone call.
Nah, I'm going to be wearing this shit if that's the case. You get me? I don't know.
If it was fresh enough, you'd wear it.

Speaker 1 Are those Hillfiger shoes? Andrew Coonan's from there, too.

Speaker 1 Who is? Andrew Cunanon. Who is that? You don't know Andrew Coonanon? Who is that? Anybody know Andrew Cunanon? Yeah, he's the one that killed Versace.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 yes. Yeah.
He's from San Diego. Yeah, he's from La Jolla.
Out, La Jolla. Yeah, yeah.
Murderer's Row. Murderer's Row, yeah.

Speaker 1 But he, he, he killed a fashion designer. That's high.
It's sexy. Dude, it's like, if you can kill, like, Gap, is there a Miss Gap? Mr.
Gap, yeah.

Speaker 1 Is there a Mr. Gap? Bill Gap.

Speaker 1 Bill Gap. There's no Bill Gap.
Yes, there is. Bill Gap.
That's his name? That's his name, Bill Gap. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Bill Gap.
That's his name. Bill and Cynthia Gap.
Cynthia Gap. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 They started Gap. But rest in peace, Cynthia passed away a couple of days.
So there's Bill Gap and Cynthia Gap, right? They started. It was in early 80s, right?

Speaker 1 It was a vintage clothing store first, right? And they used to call

Speaker 1 Alleys. I don't know what it was called.
What do you mean? What was the first store they called?

Speaker 1 Oh, the Alleys. The Alleys, yeah.
The Alley's. It was called The Alleys, right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 how did the name came about? Oh,

Speaker 1 I know what it was.

Speaker 1 So all the prices, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 They were going out of business, so they did like a 30%, 40%.

Speaker 1 And that's where the gap comes from. That was the gap.
That was the gap. And it was like, we're going to save you a lot of money.
Look at the gap. So the tag used to say, look at the gap.
Holy shit.

Speaker 1 These guys are just walking dictionaries here.

Speaker 1 Or is it encyclopedias? Which one? It'd be the second one. Yeah.
It'd be definitely the second one.

Speaker 1 Dictionary has English language words in it. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Pete, what is it? What did Tommy Hilfiger say? So apparently, this was

Speaker 1 he went on the Oprah Winfrey show, made some racist remarks. He went on the Oprah Winfrey show and made racist remarks.
What did he say? Which is the right venue to do.

Speaker 1 If you're going to do it, if you're going to do racist stuff, go to the front of Oprah. I mean, that's all what I always say.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I mean, he's real. What did he say?

Speaker 1 Are y'all serious now what

Speaker 1 yeah it's a goddamn rumor threw him off the show they threw him off the show he doesn't want black people wearing his clothes he doesn't want black people he don't want black people wearing his clothes or did he say just white people only on the backs of white people is the comics i gotta see that shit man

Speaker 1 you just heard it he just said it to you what happened dude yeah but that he could be reading what what source is that what do you get that from it's the what

Speaker 1 it's from the magazine the source

Speaker 1 it's on reddit dude it's true

Speaker 1 the source is the hip-hop magazine the source that's what it's from i wouldn't be wearing this shit if he was like that.

Speaker 1 That sounds true to me. Five mics.
I would take the shirt off. It's a nice.

Speaker 1 It's not real. He said he wants it on white backs only.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 For what?

Speaker 1 Well. Like the clothes I'm wearing, right? It's all from old Confederate flags.
Did you know that?

Speaker 1 Chime. You know, when I was younger,

Speaker 1 I was terrible at banking. I was confused.
So bad.

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We both talk to somebody. We both believe in this.
This is something we actually use often. Yeah.

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Speaker 1 Raycon. Oh, my God.
Raycon is my favorite. Raycon sent me wireless earbuds, and they make the difference because I got to tell you, I've suggested it to friends.
They look great.

Speaker 1 They feel really nice and snug. They come in a range of cool colors, customizable gel tips in my, because my little tiny ears are

Speaker 1 little tiny ear hole. I've been also listening to Tupac.
You like Tupac now? California rough. California rough? I don't know, but I love it and I love listening to it

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Raycons are built to go wherever you go with quick and seamless Bluetooth pairing and a compact charging case. It's really smooth.

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So Raycon has 24-hour battery life and portability. I take them on the Aero plane because you know I'll be flying all over the country.

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Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah, yeah.
You feel good about that? Yeah, it's okay because the flag is just not on it anymore. It's not on it anymore.
Andres doesn't like it.

Speaker 1 He shakes his head he doesn't like these jokes yeah i don't care andres anyway what are you what do you mean what am i no i thought he was what no i thought he was spanish right yeah yeah what

Speaker 1 man you know i didn't know it's like he learns the same thing every day

Speaker 1 over and over again oh gee oh gee spain okay yeah yeah wait a minute you know you know you know you do know this right what that fancy's from spain Yeah, I do. I kind of sort of knew that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Where did you think he was from? He spoke Spanish, so I was like, Cuba, a little bit.

Speaker 1 You think he looks Cuban? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He knows what I'm talking about. You guys don't know because you don't look Cuban.
Cuba

Speaker 1 Espanol is

Speaker 1 Cubans are way darker. Look at how Mike's all.
Cubans are like him, too. He knows that.
Are there Cubans that look like you? Puerto Ricans do. Bro, not like that.

Speaker 1 Yes. Doc.
No. Okay, well, see, that shows you how much educated I am.
You know what I'm saying? Educated? Doc. A little bit of it.
Yeah, I started a little bit. Doc.

Speaker 1 What up? Doc,

Speaker 1 you have the fucking

Speaker 1 cutest

Speaker 1 eyebrows

Speaker 1 I've ever seen. They're so tiny.
They're like chocolate strips. Okay.
You know, like I want to rip them off your face and just eat them. So how did we go from that to

Speaker 1 Bobby Barbara?

Speaker 1 He's just admiring your eyebrows. I'm just gazing into your fucking cute little fucking eyebrows.
I'm glad you feel that way, Bobby.

Speaker 1 You feel real uncomfortable right now. Like, I am.
Well, feel uncomfortable. Like, yeah, I I guess I should.
I'm like, God damn, I wish I 69 you in high school.

Speaker 1 Cuba and Leo brothers in Cuba were the same height. If you and I 69,

Speaker 1 there's no muscle being perfect, overused. Like, if I'm 69,

Speaker 1 George Kimmel, right? There's muscles being used

Speaker 1 to, you know, be because he's taller. So I have to stretch, right?

Speaker 1 Along my neck.

Speaker 1 When it's 69, right?

Speaker 1 And maybe, right? You, it's just perfect. Bro, it's like

Speaker 1 this is your ass, right?

Speaker 1 This is your ass.

Speaker 1 There's no stretch.

Speaker 1 It's actually the perfect. Not a muscle.
And then it's, it's there. Perfect.
Perfect, right? It's like when Tetris pieces link up.

Speaker 1 That's exactly what it is. Thank you so much, man.
This is those two ups. Great conversation to have in front of your daughter.
This is fantastic.

Speaker 1 How do you feel about your dad over here? She's staff right now.

Speaker 1 Talking fornication. Yeah.
It's fine. i'm used to it

Speaker 1 yeah she's used to it sounds like i'm not that sounds like the judge asked her in a court was like how do you feel about she's like it's fine i'm used to it and then they're back on

Speaker 1 good girl good smart don't say anything bad

Speaker 1 when he dropped those cards funniest thing i've ever seen not only the funniest thing but there was also a feeling of embarrassment oh yeah and shame i felt shin was like in his head he was like thinking about getting in the car and leaving as soon as he saw it to my credit i think he might have put a little bit of oil on there just for the effect.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like he made me.

Speaker 1 Is that like a racist joke about Shin Lim? No, I'm just saying that I was set up. What is that? Like, I know how to shuffle cards.
You don't believe me? Bring some cards out here. We can do this.

Speaker 1 We did. We did it.

Speaker 1 We did it, and we were taping it. We filmed it.
We have it on stage. And we saw your failure live.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah, there was no escaping it.
Doc, are you ready for your date tonight? I thought we weren't going to do it. He said we wasn't, but we're going to do it.
We're going to do it live.

Speaker 1 Okay. On stage.

Speaker 1 Oh, so we're doing a date on stage. Mm-hmm.
It's a long-ass show. Okay.

Speaker 1 I feel so bad for the girl. Why?

Speaker 1 I don't know why. I just feel so bad for the girl.
Why? She submitted. She submitted.

Speaker 1 I understand that. But it's like a female jihadist.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? She's taking one for the team. Taking like apple up the cafe.
What if she blows herself up on stage? Yeah, yeah. Then I'm dead too.

Speaker 1 Then I'm fucking dead too. Don't say that shit.
I'm gonna live. It just feels like someone's sacrificing something large.
Something they really, yeah, the girl is. And it's like, I don't know.
Or

Speaker 1 she wants a little black magic and she really genuinely loves him. That's what I'm saying.
Why he can't get it? It's hard to believe. It's hard to believe.

Speaker 1 You like that? Andrew, no, no, no, no. Listen to me right now.
Honestly, Andrew. I've known you for how long? Yeah, 15 years.
Look at me in the eyes, dude.

Speaker 1 Is it hard to believe? Right?

Speaker 1 and i'm just right this is don't take this personally should i leave no don't leave stay here i want you to listen to it don't take it personally don't take it all about you but don't take it personally let's go do you is it

Speaker 1 is it hard to believe

Speaker 1 that a female human being yeah right would

Speaker 1 allow right right

Speaker 1 his genitals

Speaker 1 erect right inside their organ. Pretty hard to believe.
Hard to believe. Pretty hard to believe.
Now that I think about it. Now that I think about it.
Now that I think about it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What the fuck is wrong with your boy?

Speaker 1 He's fucked. But you know what?

Speaker 1 It's only because you kept denying wanting to meet up with any of these women that he's concerned. What women? All the women that we had submit, you didn't want to go on a date with any of them.

Speaker 1 We had to force you to go on this date with this woman. It's easier to believe.
But this is the one with the boyfriend, right? No.

Speaker 1 No. This fucking guy has no idea.

Speaker 1 We have to say no to that one because of your dreams. But this is a different one.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You like this other one. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 See that?

Speaker 1 All right, let's do. How about this? Let's give Rudy that other mic.
Do a practice date right now because we need to give you some training.

Speaker 1 Y'all think I'm bitches like y'all? What kind of shit is this? I ain't.

Speaker 1 Let's see how well you do, pal. Okay, well, we'll see.
All right, you're out on a date with Rudy. I'm the waiter.
I'm a Rudy. Go ahead.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Medazum as well.

Speaker 1 Love this place.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Medazozuel.

Speaker 1 Two?

Speaker 1 Table for two?

Speaker 1 Table for two.

Speaker 1 Please sit here. Do you like this view?

Speaker 1 Your accent is a little thick. What was that? Can't hear you.
Do you like this view? Oh, yes. It's beautiful.

Speaker 1 I love the place. Already.
Already. Already.

Speaker 1 He almost got kicked out. Yeah.
Well, how? How did I almost get kicked out? You're a black guy in Madamus as well. It's a fucking

Speaker 1 accent was a little bit. I know, but he's racist.
You know that.

Speaker 1 This is Madamus as well.

Speaker 1 Well, anyway, would you like to hear about those specials? Yes. Okay, we have.

Speaker 1 Let us hear.

Speaker 1 We have

Speaker 1 Escargo de Caviar.

Speaker 1 I'm listening from another table. Yeah, Escargo de Caviar.

Speaker 1 Basically, it's lightly sauteed Escargo with lightly creamed Escargo.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you know what those are? No. What is Escargo? Escargo? You don't know what Escargo is? Escargo, no.
There's a McDonald's across the street. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I'm already killed.

Speaker 1 Would I get in trouble if I said that?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you would. No, I don't think I'm going to be able to do it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to call you manager. He owns the

Speaker 1 rest.

Speaker 1 This is Madison Swell.

Speaker 1 Tell him to calm down. Calm down.
Yeah, yeah, thank you. See, look what's happening on the date.
Already, yeah. Reprimand him, Rudy.
Well, you know, she's my

Speaker 1 piece. Would you like a bottle of flat or would you like a bottle of sparkling water? I'll take the sparkling water, please.
And for the lady?

Speaker 1 Flat, please. Flat, mother? Do you want a bottle of flat and a bottle of sparkling? Give me both.
Okay. Ooh.
They're $49.95 a bottle.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, can you put hers in the cup and just give me the bottle?

Speaker 1 I guess we could. $49.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm actually the...

Speaker 1 You know, not the main server. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Francesco is the main server. Oh, so now.
Hi.

Speaker 1 Hello. Why do I have her? Francesco, say hello? No, she's my assistant.
I'm Francesco. I'm here to serve you.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I told him about the special. Oh, you did? Escargo.
Oh, he doesn't know Escargo, does he? He doesn't know. You know that McDonald's across the street.

Speaker 1 You see us? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can get a complete meal for $2.99. This is the latest restaurant, but I'm on.
No, it's funny.

Speaker 1 It's funny.

Speaker 1 So, lovely lady, lovely lady. Weird weird-looking man, lovely lady,

Speaker 1 bizarre-looking man.

Speaker 1 We are from an island, you know, yeah, outside of Greece, Greece, right outside of Greece. Oh, Greece.
Where are you from? I'm from Detroit.

Speaker 1 Oh, gross.

Speaker 1 Are you sure? We don't need to leave. We don't need to leave.
We don't need to leave. Miss, where are you from? Where are you from? I'm from the Philippines.
Oh, lovely.

Speaker 1 Beautiful.

Speaker 1 How do you end up with this thing? Yeah, this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We met on a dating app. Oh, which one? Which one? Which one?

Speaker 1 Tinder. Oh, nice.
Who swiped first? Yeah, yeah. He did.
Yeah, he would. He would.
He looked like he's are you blind? No.

Speaker 1 Are you sure you're not blind? No.

Speaker 1 Have you taken a look at the menu? Do you want to know what you want to eat?

Speaker 1 We'll have the most expensive

Speaker 1 special dinner because the doc is going to pay for everything. Yeah,

Speaker 1 very good. Well, we have expensive.
We have a whole shark. We can have a whole shark.

Speaker 1 We have mammoth bone marrow. Mammoth bone marrow that we saw tay over the top of an endangered species.

Speaker 1 Since the mammoth is extinct, the bone marrow is very hard to come back.

Speaker 1 In fact,

Speaker 1 they haven't fucked an intact mammoth in probably thousands of years. Thousands.
Anyway, but look at this gigantic. We have a gigantic mammoth bone with the marrow.
See? What the fuck?

Speaker 1 This place should be called Flintstones. This is like the...
Oh, you're making

Speaker 1 this. Yes.

Speaker 1 You're the one come up to me and say, can I have booster seats? You asked me for a booster seat.

Speaker 1 I give you a booster seat. Where did you say McDonald's was at? I don't know what the McDonald's.
You want to stay here?

Speaker 1 Where I'm from in Euro,

Speaker 1 you don't like these guys? It's fine. It's fine.
Just calm down.

Speaker 1 It's fine when they compliment you, but they dissing me over here. Ma'am, do you want us to call the police on this man?

Speaker 1 How How does I gotta pay for the most of the time? Ma'am, we can put a children's placemat with the little puzzles and the little cartoons. With crayons.
Crayons. Would you like that?

Speaker 1 A dog likes that. Yeah, yeah.
Go get that. I get the crayons.
Get the crayons.

Speaker 1 The talent.

Speaker 1 There you go. Draw.
Okay, here are your meals. Here you go.
Please enjoy. Please don't.
I didn't remember them all. Very fast.
I didn't remember them all. You ask, you receive.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And you're all done with the plates? Yeah, it was dangerous. Thank you.

Speaker 1 How was the meal? Yeah. It was really good.

Speaker 1 Anything else I can get you? Coffee dessert.

Speaker 1 Dessert, please. Oh, dessert.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yes.
Does the man not want dessert, but he's making. Well, we have a very special dessert.
Tell them about it. How much is your desserts?

Speaker 1 How much? How much? Ask about the money.

Speaker 1 I just paid $49 for a bottle of water.

Speaker 1 And your meal was $1,200. $1,200.

Speaker 1 Stop being embarrassing.

Speaker 1 You're embarrassing.

Speaker 1 It's $1,200. I'll stay in the studio apartment.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm going to go ahead.

Speaker 1 Let's go on in. All right, so hold on.
Are you telling us maybe you can't afford?

Speaker 1 Because we're going to have a problem. Are we going to have a problem? No, no.

Speaker 1 You're the whole. Where's the front door? Give me your card now before we move forward.

Speaker 1 I'll give it to you.

Speaker 1 Give me your credit card.

Speaker 1 That's your cardboard. That's actually pushy, aren't you?

Speaker 1 That's a Costco card, but I'm going to give you a real credit card, please. That's all I got.

Speaker 1 This says Blockbuster on it. I don't know what Blockbuster is still open.
You know what? I was a little nervous. My bad.
Let me just check my other ones. Okay, all right.
Let me see here.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is Curves, a gym for women. Why do you have this card?

Speaker 1 I forgot. This is a gift certificate for Lame Bright.
Why?

Speaker 1 You sharpened Lame, but I ain't. That's all I got.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to pay for this the best way I can. Okay, I can't use this sharper image gift card.
Sharper image, not around.

Speaker 1 Listen, sir.

Speaker 1 If you can't afford it, you're going to have it to wash a dish.

Speaker 1 Wash a dish. You look like someone who has a washer dish before us.
Both of us, right? No. He can do both for us, right? Yes, he'll do yours.
He looks like he looks at a car wash.

Speaker 1 I ain't never taking you out again. This is preposterous.
Okay, Doc, it's back to us again.

Speaker 1 What a bad date. Yeah, it was.
I mean, how the fuck? You're never going to land. You don't know how to do it.
You didn't let her, you didn't even ask her what she wanted.

Speaker 1 You just said, I'll have, I'll have. I mean, fuck, dude.

Speaker 1 You didn't tell her how beautiful she looked? I didn't say anything sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Y'all didn't feel the magic? You no magic. There was no magic.
Wait, wait, let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 What do you think magic is? Maybe you don't know the definition of magic. That was me being

Speaker 1 charming? Huh? That's you being charming? Yeah. Ask Rudy how the date went.
Rudy, how did you feel about our date?

Speaker 1 Your energy was off.

Speaker 1 What about the bread? Yeah, but you didn't ask me how I was. You didn't compliment me.
I couldn't win the prices. And you were just getting angry at both of them.
Yeah, they was dissing me.

Speaker 1 You didn't hear me. I won't come to Madam's.
Dude, Madams Aswells is such a fancy, nice restaurant. You're such a nice person.
Act like you belong. Yeah.
You know, Madams as well.

Speaker 1 You know, well, just, you know. By the way, you had, you had

Speaker 1 Mrs. Madam Suzuel here.

Speaker 1 I was getting dissed. You had Miss Carl Metazozuel right in front of you.

Speaker 1 The little obese lady over here, she was pretty hard. Are you insulting our owner?

Speaker 1 Are you insulting you? When you insulted me? How did I insult you, young man? You said I was

Speaker 1 to go with a McDonald's. Like, I can't eat here.
Like, that was some back of the bus type of shit. You said to me, you might not.
No, no, no, no. That's what that was.
Oh,

Speaker 1 we've got a squirrely one. Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? Well, yeah, that was some fun. And you came at me.
I'll never step foot in your place again. Good.

Speaker 1 First of all, the mammoth was horrible, right? Did you like the mammoth? I liked it. That was good.

Speaker 1 Wait. It was overpriced.
That's what I was

Speaker 1 overpriced.

Speaker 1 The mammoth mammoth bone marrow was horrible. As if there was a reference, like you've had it before.

Speaker 1 Like, how do you fucking know? I just went with your goddamn theme. That's what you said, right? I know, but okay.

Speaker 1 You've never had it before. I've never had mammoth bone marrow.
What could you compare it to? Even if I had it, it probably tastes like shit.

Speaker 1 You know, there's a McDonald's right across the street.

Speaker 1 Have you ever taken a date to McDonald's? Never.

Speaker 1 Where's the cheapest place that we've all taken a date? I've always taken dates to nice

Speaker 1 restaurants. Did you? I've taken

Speaker 1 like $400 a plate. Like,

Speaker 1 what's the cheapest place you've taken a date to? I mean, I've taken dates to, like, I love Laurie's.

Speaker 1 What? You know what Laurie's is? No. Laurie's Kitchen? Yeah, they are.
Laurie's.

Speaker 1 Oh, Lowry's, the steakhouse.

Speaker 1 I said cheap. That's cheap.
See, this guy, this guy. This is such an ass.

Speaker 1 For a steakhouse,

Speaker 1 Flowery's is pretty cheap for

Speaker 1 a chain restaurant or something like that. What's the cheapest place? Morton's.
That's the cheapest you've ever done on a day. Is that a chain? Yeah, but that's not cheap.
But that's not cheap.

Speaker 1 I'll go boa. Boa.

Speaker 1 I'll go boa. I'll stop.
Are you kidding me?

Speaker 1 Five money.

Speaker 1 What's the cheapest place? You know,

Speaker 1 I've taken girls to like

Speaker 1 Smokehouse. That's pretty cheap.
That's so nice. Yeah, over there by the.
Is that by the way? By one of her brothers,

Speaker 1 Subway.

Speaker 1 Can you get a date to Subway? When I first moved to LA, I took a girl to Subway. I mean, that's understandable.
That's all I could afford. Yeah.
And I made her split a foot long. You guys fuck? Huh?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 You guys fuck. Yeah.
I bet it was. I let her get the Italian BMT.
Was it wild? It was nuts. Yeah.
The Subway girl? But we shared sun chips.

Speaker 1 That's all I could afford.

Speaker 1 If you had a guy that's

Speaker 1 Subway,

Speaker 1 what give me the give me the mic

Speaker 1 would you be mad if a guy took you to on a date to subway

Speaker 1 i wouldn't be mad if i know that he's not making that much but he's making a lot and he's taking me to subway no i was poor i was 22 i had no money right i literally was living on like 20 a week but if he had like if like hairy styles took you on a date and oh see then it reverses again she'd be okay with it again because it's hairy

Speaker 1 see yeah so you either have to to be poor and very sweet or very rich and super hot. Are you excited to do a set tonight, by the way? Rudy, do you want to do a little bit of time? No, I'm fine.

Speaker 1 Please. No.
Okay, you will. No.
Yep. It's going to be a lot of people.
It's not. It's only like 1,500 people or something like that.
Sold out? Yeah. 1,500? No, I don't know what the number is.

Speaker 1 It's over 1,000. I think it's 1,200.
What is it? 1,300? 1,300 people? Yeah. Sold out? Yep.
Congratulations. Thank you, baby.
What the fuck is up, San Diego?

Speaker 1 Yeah, bitch, I'm so glad to be here. I brought a couple of bad friends with me.
You ready for a good show?

Speaker 1 First up is two special guests all the way from the dirty island, the tree climber and the Spanish fancy bee,

Speaker 1 and little Miss Rudy Jordan.

Speaker 1 Hello, San Diego.

Speaker 1 Hi, everyone.

Speaker 1 I'm farting a lot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my legs are trembling too. Hi, guys.

Speaker 1 Welcome San Diego. We have a couple treats for you tonight besides Andrew's great show.
Yeah, I'm Rudy or Jules

Speaker 1 Tito Bobby and Tito Andrew forced me to do this again

Speaker 1 But welcome to Tito Andrew's show.

Speaker 1 I think he's the better and funnier Tito so

Speaker 1 to start,

Speaker 1 we have the little

Speaker 1 black man from Bad Friends,

Speaker 1 the Black Alley Cat,

Speaker 1 the greatest black magic,

Speaker 1 aka Doc Willis.

Speaker 1 So, give it up for Madagascar Doc.

Speaker 1 Live in the flesh, right?

Speaker 1 Fucking fantastic. Look at this goddamn crowd.
All these goddamn

Speaker 1 race of people. We got whites and any black people.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. Hell yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.

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You look like a guy that sells

Speaker 1 Hollywood signs. What? What? The Hollywood maps, I mean? Oh, the maps.
Oh, yeah. The map of the stars.
Doesn't he look like a Hollywood map guy? Like you know where people live? Maybe. I guess.

Speaker 1 Where do you live, Doc? I live in Studio City.

Speaker 1 Where your dentist is. Yeah.
Have you lived? That's like right down the street, right around the corner from Brody, right down the street from Brent Morin and Rick Glassman. David Lucas is over there

Speaker 1 for Francisco Ramos

Speaker 1 Comics Corner. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We out there in these streets. R.I.P.
Brody.

Speaker 1 Brody, the funniest thing Brody ever said to me, so many funny things, but one time

Speaker 1 I tweeted like...

Speaker 1 In the height of all the Trump chaos, way before he was elected, I wrote, I'm going to vote for Trump just to make Eastside Comics mad.

Speaker 1 And then Brody came up to me and he was like, really voting for Trump? I was like, oh, I was just making a joke. He's like, you should.

Speaker 1 Don't be a coward to follow through. And then he walked away.
It was funny. That's funny.
Dude, he was so funny.

Speaker 1 That news when he died

Speaker 1 was the worst day of my life.

Speaker 1 Pretty tough.

Speaker 1 I've never... been so hit by somebody's death more than him.
Isn't it crazy? You know when somebody says, where were you when something happened? I usually don't know.

Speaker 1 I know where I was. I literally know.
Where were you? What? Where were you? I remember I was taking a nap and I remember Kalila going,

Speaker 1 What's so funny? Perfect, Bobby story. Yeah, I was taking a nap.
I remember Kalila going, It was like 3:30 in the afternoon. She goes, Brody died.

Speaker 1 And I go, What?

Speaker 1 Brody died. And I waited five minutes in silence.
And I said,

Speaker 1 Why aren't I crying?

Speaker 1 I said that to her. She goes, you will when you wake up because I was kind of in the mid-stage.
Yeah, I know that. And as soon as I started kind of waking up,

Speaker 1 balling. Oh, my God.
I was on a chairlift. I was in Mammoth.

Speaker 1 Skiing? Yeah. Yeah.
What rich white people do?

Speaker 1 Snowboarding. Mammoth.
It wasn't Aspen. It was Mammoth.
All right. But I was on this chair, and I got into a fight with my buddy.
We were out there on the mountain. We were arguing.

Speaker 1 He was upset about the Airbnb we got. I was pissed.
And then I got that news. And then I goggles on, and I cried in my goggles on the chairlift.
And we didn't say a word to each other.

Speaker 1 I just got in the car and I drove back to LA. We didn't even say goodbye.
I literally got in my fucking car and I drove back to L.A. And

Speaker 1 the whole ride, I was quiet. There was no radio.
And then I kind of snapped out of it and realized that I was like, oh my God, I've just been driving, not even thinking. My brain was like empty.

Speaker 1 I was.

Speaker 1 We didn't ask you, Doc. Anyway, hey, man, don't be coming.

Speaker 1 You was having a moment. See, I ain't fucking.
Sorry. Where were you?

Speaker 1 Brody was supposed to be in the San Obispo comedy festival. Oh, that's right.
In the Slow Festival. I was on my way up there.
Wow.

Speaker 1 And then I was going to surprise him because he didn't know I was going to be on the festival. I was going to be on the Fridays and Saturday show.
Fuck. So then.

Speaker 1 Is it like a little personal show, like with you, Brad Williams, a bunch of people? Okay, so. Okay.

Speaker 1 Out of the day. Was a lollipop gang there? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, now. Let's get back to the hurdle.

Speaker 1 Dude, because of what's going on in Hollywood with like more minorities getting bigger roles, I I do think if they remake Wizard of Oz, you're going to fucking kill it. Yeah.
Wow. Kill it.
Old-ass.

Speaker 1 Well, I still can yell. The flying.

Speaker 1 What? Oh, what is he going to do?

Speaker 1 Oh, we better go to the foolish buddy.

Speaker 1 That's from fucking. That's Willy Wonka.
Oh, that's

Speaker 1 the flying monkeys. But that's another role you can get.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, Wizard of Oz. Did you just say the flying what? Monkeys.
That's what he was about to say. This goofy.
Don't look at me. Wait, wait, wait.
Who thought I was going to say flying monkeys?

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, they're flying monkeys. That's fucking

Speaker 1 crazy.

Speaker 1 There's no flying.

Speaker 1 There are no flying monkeys in that fucking movie. Is there in Wizard of Oz? Yes.
There are? Yeah, you knew it. Documented.
Oh, I didn't know it.

Speaker 1 You hear this? I didn't know it. The fakest, goddamn.
Yeah, yeah. I don't know.
No, but Oompa Loompas are in.

Speaker 1 That's in Willy Wonka. What are the little people in Wizard of Oz? The Lollipop Gang.
They're not the Lollipop Gang. We represent

Speaker 1 the little lollipop.

Speaker 1 What are the little people called

Speaker 1 Wizard of Oz? Find out, please, for me. They're called the Lollipop.

Speaker 1 That's the Lollipop Kids, man. That's a ridiculous name.
Dog, yes, it is. That's it.
They go, we represent the Lollipop Gang. Yeah, the Lollipop Kids.
All right. Look up Lollipops.
The Lollipop?

Speaker 1 What is it, Pete?

Speaker 1 Munchkin? Yeah, they're Munchkins. I know they're Munchkins.
That's the word I was looking for. But they're called the Lollipop Kids.
The one that came out is what? Lollipop Kids, right?

Speaker 1 Which is a good bit. That sounds like a good rap group.
Yeah. We out here with the Lollipop Kids and this motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that'd be cool.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 suck on me, bitch. Suck on me.
Suck, suck, suck on me, bitch. Lollipop, kids.
Lollip lollipop kids.

Speaker 1 Suck on my stick. I'm the lollipop kid.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. I want you sucking on my stick.
I'm a lollipop kid.

Speaker 1 Suck on my stick because I'm the lollipop kid. The worst club I've ever ever been there.

Speaker 1 Man, sugar's so sweet. Suck on my stick.

Speaker 1 I'm a lollipop kid seven days of the week. You better certainly drive.
Imagine being the

Speaker 1 VIP with him. So dark.
There was no one else there, just him and I. How come you couldn't see it? The music's playing, him going, yeah, yeah.
We're the only people in VIP. I would just see his head.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that would be a

Speaker 1 fucking nightmare.

Speaker 1 I would leave the club immediately. Let's go to a club tonight, Doc.

Speaker 1 You want to ball out?

Speaker 1 No gay clubs. Because y'all motherfuckers.
Why? What is that? Who cares? What do you mean, who cares? What am I going to do there? Why can't we go to a gay club?

Speaker 1 Nah, because y'all be doing some silly shit. I'm like, man, this guy's so having a drink, hanging out with some dudes.
Yeah, that's not my style.

Speaker 1 What is your style? My style. Your style is not hanging out with human beings.
Human beings. And fucking gay.
There you go.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? They're not human beings? Fuck them. Gay clubs is what? Just all gay dudes, right? Yeah, what do you think is going on there? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Nothing. Just all dudes.
It's boring. Do you think they're trying to force you to? Just look at how we get it.
Look how we argue and shit.

Speaker 1 I don't want to be in that fucking place with a bunch of other dudes. Fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 Do you guys want to have a gay bar?

Speaker 1 We're just squeezing, having hissy fits on the fucking dance floor. You do realize we're going to a gay bar now.

Speaker 1 Oh, I knew this type of shit. Well, you did it.
You did this. Well, I thought you were going to say no.
I want you to learn. You got to open your mind, dude.
What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 I got to open up my mind. I'm good.

Speaker 1 I like gay people.

Speaker 1 It's funny, Andrew. It's like if you and I were at a,

Speaker 1 we're at the Abbey, right, in West Hollywood, which I've been there. Yeah, multiple times.
So there's a club called the Abbey in West Hollywood. Do you know what that is, Doc? I've heard of it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so don't get angry, dude.

Speaker 1 We don't own it. Relax.
Because this is set up against me. No.
And I'm not that bad guy. But I remember being there with my friend Mike, and there was a bunch of gay guys.
And my hand, I was like,

Speaker 1 my hand brushed up against a guy's leg. You know what I mean? I was kind of doing this, right?

Speaker 1 And he goes, then he reciprocated back.

Speaker 1 He touched my leg with his hand.

Speaker 1 Right. And I looked at him.
I go, oh, dude, I'm not. He's like, you're not? We're going, no.
But like, if somebody.

Speaker 1 touched you at a gay club right from underneath the table

Speaker 1 would you be like, My bad, or would you be angry?

Speaker 1 I'd be like, cuz he probably don't know. If I'm up in there,

Speaker 1 it's open game. You're just like, What if he gives you a big kiss right on your mouth? No, that ain't gonna happen.
What do you say? How the fuck is that? What do you say?

Speaker 1 Bobby, go kiss him and see what he says. How would you let a guy just up and just kiss you? Like, what am I gonna just be sitting there and just, oh my God, he just, yeah, yeah.
So, he's like,

Speaker 1 no, I don't go, that doesn't work like that. You can't.
Hey, welcome to Madison's Wow.

Speaker 1 We have a club mat, too.

Speaker 1 Oh, welcome back to Latin America. We own the club now.
Yeah, hello. Oh, look at her.
Look at her outfit. Look at her.

Speaker 1 Beautiful.

Speaker 1 You're okay. Are you? Can I see your ID? I didn't see your ID, right? Look at it.
Look at how little is. We didn't see your ID.
ID, please.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 oh, my lord. What does it say? They come small.

Speaker 1 The Willises come small.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're like a happy meal. Speaking of which, you know, there's a McDonald's across the street.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Stupid.

Speaker 1 Are you the hamburgler?

Speaker 1 You look like the hamburger. He's like Grimes.
He's like Grimes.

Speaker 1 You look like Grimes.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I would love to see him in a gay club.

Speaker 1 I want to take you to a gay bar for a minute. No.
Why not? For what? It's funny because it's like, why? When we go to a gay club, sex isn't even in our mind. It's just, we're at a club.

Speaker 1 There happen to be gay people there.

Speaker 1 A couple of drinkers.

Speaker 1 There's a gay women there because there's a lot of women in there? Yes, yes. A few lesbians.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 See, they don't really party together. No, listen to me.

Speaker 1 Listen to me.

Speaker 1 Straight women will go with gay men to gay bars because they feel comfortable there because they're not getting hit on. Listen to Rudy.
Rudy, confirm. I've heard that rumor.
Rudy, confirm.

Speaker 1 I haven't gone, but I would go to a gay club. More than a regular club because regular club would annoy you.

Speaker 1 Every fucking dude coming up to you, trying to be all over you, like, hey, who are you here with? But you hear what he just said, though? What?

Speaker 1 There's got to be dudes in there that's on a pro like him looking for you. In a gay bar? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah.
So you're saying there's one,

Speaker 1 right? There's one real you know. You're saying there's one straight guy at a gay club.
There's got to be somebody.

Speaker 1 There's 200. Let's see Filipino in this.
You know, you ever heard? Remember Ari's bit like that? He went, or the story about how he went, and he said it was like a lot of girls in there.

Speaker 1 Because guys, I'm trying to tell you. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Let's see how it would play out.

Speaker 1 Nah. We're not going no gay bar.
I'm not.

Speaker 1 We're here. Welcome, Mademoiselle's gay bar.
Welcome to a gay bar. Hey, what's up, Doc?

Speaker 1 What can I get you to drink? Welcome, Doc. What's up, you little sippy cup? What's up, you little tiny drink of water? How you doing? Hey, well.
Look at this little piece of chocolate sauce.

Speaker 1 I mean, this is my jam. Raoul? Raul, this is my jam.
Oh, I love that one. I'm going to twerk.

Speaker 1 I'm twerking. Show your pussy.
Yeah, I love my pussy.

Speaker 1 Hey.

Speaker 1 That thing is out of shape. Hey, so, Doc,

Speaker 1 what's going on here? Are you finally coming out? A little bit more delicious than that.

Speaker 1 Are you coming out, Doc? Is that what you're here? You're coming out? I'm not coming out. I'm just here with my boys.

Speaker 1 Okay, we're here with our boys, too. Harry's pass.
Watermelon sugar. Hi.

Speaker 1 Watermelon sugar. Hi.

Speaker 1 Watermelon sugar.

Speaker 1 Okay, what do you want to drink? I'm the bartender. What do you want to drink, Doc? I have a Pinot Noir.
A double? You want a double? Yeah. Give him a triple.
A triple. A triple Pinot.

Speaker 1 I got to be honest with you. Pinot Noir.
Pretty gay.

Speaker 1 Pretty gay. Pretty gay, Doc.

Speaker 1 Rudy, what would you like to drink? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sprite.

Speaker 1 Okay. With the purple pill I like to give you? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Here's the purple pill. All right.
See you tomorrow.

Speaker 1 See you tomorrow. Doc, if you go to a gay club, for real, and you order a Pinot Gregio,

Speaker 1 you're going to get hit on. You think so? You're walking around with a glass of wine and a fucking night.
I'm not going to be able to do it regardless, because I'm in there. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 I'm in there.

Speaker 1 They can smell that you're not gay. Okay, that's good.
I understand. They know.

Speaker 1 You're cute

Speaker 1 as fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. You're going to be the fucking king asshole in that room.
Big time. Right? When you walk in there, they're going to hear

Speaker 1 the little

Speaker 1 thing.

Speaker 1 When you say that. That's your asshole.
You say king asshole. Glimmering.

Speaker 1 Right? Yeah. What is an asshole glimmering in the light? Like, you know,

Speaker 1 there's just light hitting it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's exactly what the sun is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like there's like a little LED light in the muscle around your dick. I mean, your asshole, I mean.
It's spinning real quick.

Speaker 1 Are there hemorrhoids on it?

Speaker 1 Definitely. Like four or five pretty big hemorrhoids.
Yeah, there could be. There could be.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 When you walk through that,

Speaker 1 you'd be their fucking chocolate delight microphone. Be the bell of the ball.
Yeah, man.

Speaker 1 I can feel that. Yeah, yeah.
Look at that.

Speaker 1 I feel that walk in the building. Boom.

Speaker 1 Little Nestle Toll House just walked in. Look at that little chocolate chip.
You know what? Let's give him the purple pill. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Forget it.
Let's get him the purple pill.

Speaker 1 And then the next day, what happens? He wakes up in our apartment. Oh, yeah.
I wake up. I know what happens.
You wake up in our apartment the next day.

Speaker 1 Good morning. Good morning.
You want eggs? You want eggs? Man, I'm halting this motherfucker. Don't say nothing.
Y'all don't have to. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. There's a trail of black coming from your asshole.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, hey, don't let me speak. I'll take care of that.
Come on, Black Magic. Just magic, just stay.
You told us that was your name last night, Black Magic. Yeah, well,

Speaker 1 I don't remember.

Speaker 1 Y'all about to see me pull a dove out of my asshole.

Speaker 1 Little Black Magic.

Speaker 1 Okay, we're going to go. You know, we're have to go now.

Speaker 1 We're not going. Yes, we are.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute, Doc. Doc,

Speaker 1 how much time can you do? I could do

Speaker 1 about 35.

Speaker 1 I just ain't been on stage in a while.

Speaker 1 Wait, really? When was the last time he got on stage? Please don't make him do 35.

Speaker 1 You're doing 50.

Speaker 1 About,

Speaker 1 I think he can do 20. About three weeks ago, I did a show? He could do 20.
No, let's start with 10 and see how it goes. If it's bombing, fucking get off.
But if it's doing well, then let it ride.

Speaker 1 That'll be all right. 20.
Regardless. It'll be fun.
You just let him sit in it. Yeah.
You've got to learn. Okay.
Even if you're bombing, we keep you up there, okay? Yeah, let's go.

Speaker 1 I said, I guess you would be riding 411 cents then because

Speaker 1 I'm not about to fight you for $1.14. That ain't going down.

Speaker 1 Matter of fact, it was three ways you can drive.

Speaker 1 Fuck, I done fucked up the joke.

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 I ain't going to hold up all the rest of the time, man. Amen.
Like, love the two, man. Calm the fuck down.

Speaker 1 We got a more show before fucking door. You ready?

Speaker 1 Y'all ready?

Speaker 1 Oh, y'all in for a super treat right now. This my homie, right here, man.

Speaker 1 Met him at the comedy store. Y'all seen him on Mad TV.
Y'all seen him.

Speaker 1 With no further ado, let's bring to the stage my Asian friend, Bobby Please.

Speaker 1 One more time

Speaker 1 for Doc Willis, everybody.

Speaker 1 Sit down, man.

Speaker 1 It's not my show, man.

Speaker 1 We told that motherfucker to do five fucking minutes.

Speaker 1 He does 30 fucking minutes.

Speaker 1 One more time for Eddie Murphy. Give him a round of applause.
What the fuck, Doc?

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Right on.

Speaker 1 Doc.

Speaker 1 Told Doc to do like 10 minutes.

Speaker 1 I forgot he was black. I was like, he's fucking.

Speaker 1 He's going to run the light. There's no doubt.

Speaker 1 He's like, man, I don't know what a clock was. It's right here.
This is a fucking clock, right? This is the clock. Right here.
This is the clock.

Speaker 1 Where'd the clock go? I don't know where you put a motherfucking client on digital on my fucking. I don't know what that shit was.

Speaker 1 Right there, dude. Four feet.

Speaker 1 And give it up for that chocolate morsel. He's the best.
I love him to death. Wonderful.
It is what it is.

Speaker 1 See that. That is so cocky.

Speaker 1 Unbelievable.

Speaker 1 By the way, side note: you would never get hit on in a gay way. No gay guys are going to hit on the guy wearing the Tommy Hill figure shirt.
That's not your style. They know you're not gay guy.

Speaker 1 Whatever the case is, I don't care.

Speaker 1 Huh? That's a straight guy clothing break.

Speaker 1 I don't even have a problem with if a gay guy ever. You know, I've never been hit on since I've been out here by a gay guy.
If that's your problem, you need to get on. Well, here's his name.

Speaker 1 You need to get hit on. I was told

Speaker 1 by the gay. Remember Tony Falcone? Well, you would know.
Remember Tony Falcone.

Speaker 1 You would know okay. Who is Tony Falcone? Who the fuck is Tony Falcone? I don't remember Tony Falcone.
I don't know nobody named Tony Falcone.

Speaker 1 The gay comic white dude from Florida. Oh, Tony.

Speaker 1 No, I don't know Tony.

Speaker 1 You just did his goddamn accent, his voice.

Speaker 1 I honestly don't.

Speaker 1 Tell us. I just did a general gay voice.
I was at. Oh, okay.
Well, that's part of the story. Tell us the story about Tony Falcone.

Speaker 1 So Tony was telling me, so a lot of us comics was talking about how

Speaker 1 they got hit on by a lot of straight comics and a couple gay comics at the store. And they were saying how they get hit on all the time.
And I was like, no, I said, I'll never get hit on.

Speaker 1 And then Tony Falcone said that's because gay men know who's gay and who's not. Correct.
That's not true.

Speaker 1 Correct. Sometimes.
Well, some, yeah.

Speaker 1 Or you're just not there for you. I got three gay uncles and a a gay cousin.
So now, none of their people ever hit on me. That can be the name of your next album.

Speaker 1 When I was about 14, 15 years old, I did get kind of, yeah. What? I got hit on it.
Say it. What happened? Okay, I'll tell you what happened.
You were molested.

Speaker 1 This is how I found out my uncle was gay. Were you molested? Hell no.

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah, you could consider it. But I was called.

Speaker 1 For sure. So this is what happened, right? Yeah.
Okay. I was probably maybe about 12, 13, whatever.
So.

Speaker 1 It's going to be brutal.

Speaker 1 It's going to be brutal. So

Speaker 1 I feel like there's going to be a good one. My uncle was like, hey, we're going to the park.
You want to go to the park with us? And I was like, yeah, let's go. It's

Speaker 1 the two dudes, which I didn't know was gay because I didn't know my uncle was gay at the time, right?

Speaker 1 So we go at the park. We sitting in the car and the guy's playing LL Cool J, right? I'm sitting in the car listening to LL Cool J.

Speaker 1 And my uncle starts going out and he starts break dancing and he runs back to the truck and he's like, hey, doc, you should get out the car and dance with us. And then I'm like, Dance with me.

Speaker 1 And I go, Nah, man, I'm sitting here listening to LL. Go ahead and do your thing.
And then the guy switched the music to like this house music, like, Blow your house down,

Speaker 1 blow your house, bunk, bum, bunk, bunk, bump, bump, bump, bunk, bump. Like that, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then all of a sudden, my uncle switched and he kicked his leg up in his air in the air and caught it inside his head. And like, can't I? I said, What the fuck did that move come from?

Speaker 1 I was like, never danced like that in his fucking life, right? So I just was like, that's weird. So, anyway, stop, stop, stop.
Can I just stop here? Right? Bro.

Speaker 1 So he did a leg twirl and they caught his leg. They caught his leg.
Yeah. Right.
Yeah, you know, they stealed him. In the park.
In the park. All right, so he's doing this shit.

Speaker 1 You know what I'd be doing? What? Running home.

Speaker 1 That would scared the shit out of you. Right, he caught his leg.
My uncle Han just did a fucking wait, leg twirl.

Speaker 1 First of all, they're break dancing in the park, but just outside, and they're like, come outside and dance.

Speaker 1 Well, we're in the truck, me and the other two dudes, which I didn't know was. And these are grown men? Yeah.
What are they doing? The other two dudes are gay too?

Speaker 1 I found out. Let me tell a story.
And I found out this shit. I found out my past.
So then, so he says, hey, come, come on. And he's like, doc, you should get out the truck.

Speaker 1 And I say, nah, go ahead and do your thing, dog. Fuck it.
So then while he's dancing, the driver hand falls on my knee. And I go, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 I said, how the fuck he, he don't see him sitting in the back here? So I moved his hand like, okay, well, whatever. And then, so then my uncle came to the truck again.

Speaker 1 He's like, doc, you should get out the car. I say, man, man, maybe I should.
I said, go ahead and do your thing, dog. And then he starts, he says, look, let's flip.

Speaker 1 Because I do somersaults and shit, you know, back flips. I'm pretty goddamn good.
I'm pretty good. I was pretty good.
Dude, why is it

Speaker 1 so little black guys can always do back flips?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm a little athletic. So now I used to be.
But you don't do it at the park when your uncle tells you to do it. Yeah, yeah, because we used to do it.

Speaker 1 When your uncles are doing what tumblers, that's when you go, you know what? I'm going to chill on the fucking somersaults. Hey, do I get out the car to do some flips? Oh, yeah, that's weird, man.

Speaker 1 Do some flips. So then he's like,

Speaker 1 do some flips. Do Through some flips.
So then while he's tumbling, the guy's hand fall back and grabs my ankle. So I kick his hand and I stump his hand.
And I say, I tap his boy or front.

Speaker 1 I say, hey, man, let me out the car for a second. And then I get out the car.
And I keep in mind, I don't know what your mother is. You're 13.
Yeah, 12 or 13. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm telling a grown adult, yo, man, don't touch me like that. Yeah.
You know, you're not. It didn't sound like that.
Yeah, no, you're not.

Speaker 1 Get me out of this car. My voice was kind of deep when I was young, too.
Can I tell you something? What happened?

Speaker 1 I'm going to tell you what happened, Doc. Doc.

Speaker 1 Doc, Doc Boyce, that little Barry, Barry, what's his name? Barry Barry. Barry White.
Barry White. There you go.
Barry White.

Speaker 1 I'm going to tell you what happened that day. All right.
You were brutally molested by three of your family members.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? Why did you go there?

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what. Only one was his uncle.
Only one was his uncle. Whatever.
You were brutally molested by three adults. No, brutally.
No.

Speaker 1 And in your twisted mind, right, you've come up with this fantastical story.

Speaker 1 About black flips and doing flips. Meanwhile, dude, you're being fucking bent over behind a Chevrolet, just getting reamed from behind

Speaker 1 like Jerry Sundusky style, dude. It's so sad.
It's so sad.

Speaker 1 We've got to press charges. Well, let's vote.
Everybody raise your hand. Do you think Doc was molested? Raise your hand.

Speaker 1 All right, dude.

Speaker 1 He's brutally molested.

Speaker 1 We should press charges. That was crazy.
Fucking.

Speaker 1 That's why you like Pinot Green. So when I'm the war.
Peanut Wars. Doc, by by the way,

Speaker 1 it's okay. It's fine.
We've all been. We've all been molested.
Yeah, but that's not. Bobby molests me.
Yeah. Yeah, but that's not what I mean.
That's not. This ain't.
I don't.

Speaker 1 I didn't even know molesting was that if they just touch you, period. That's molesting.
Him touching your leg is, it's not okay. Yeah.
So

Speaker 1 that's molesting. Kind of, yeah.
Kind of, yeah. Yeah, you can.

Speaker 1 Now, let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 Did your

Speaker 1 penis make a guess? Oh, boy.

Speaker 1 Did your penis make a a guess of parents?

Speaker 1 See, that's what do you mean by that? Are you saying that they're not going to be a pair of people? What do you mean? What do you mean? What I have to explain to you.

Speaker 1 What do you have to talk about, Bobby?

Speaker 1 I have to explain to you what the fuck that means, though. No, Bobby, I just told you I stuck.
Was your dad sucked? No.

Speaker 1 What the fuck is wrong with you? I just told you that he just grabbed the ankle. That's it.
Ain't no dicks. So he grabbed your.
Was that the end of the story? He grabbed your ankle.

Speaker 1 You got out of the car, and then it never got out the car. You never talked about it ever again to anyone? No, no, no.
No, no, no. So I told my uncle

Speaker 1 for the audience, we're not belittling molestation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're joking about Doc.

Speaker 1 Understand, people, what happens with us,

Speaker 1 I just do this shit. No, but I'm saying, I'm not making fun of what happened to you.
I understand that. I'm not making fun of what happened to you.

Speaker 1 Doc. Yeah, all right.
Just letting me know. No, no one's making fun of you.
But also, that was the end of it. It was like he told me.
No, that wasn't the. No, I'm just getting to the core of it.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 I knew there was more. Here we go.
This is it. Yeah.
So damn, I'm talking about it. So I'm out in the park sucking this motherfucking dick.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. So you're still going to the dick sucking.
It hasn't gotten to that. Never gotten to that.
Oh, it hasn't gotten to that yet. Hey, never dare.
All right, Doc, go ahead. All right.

Speaker 1 So my uncle's like, hey, we're going to go to their house to hit the driver's house. And I go, nah, man, I think we should go home.
He goes, nah, let's go to his house. I was like, all right.

Speaker 1 So we go to the house and there's stairs, right? They're sitting on the stairs and then I'm standing on the sidewalk. I won't come up to the outside of the house.
Yeah, I'm sitting there.

Speaker 1 On the stoop. Yeah, because everybody's just sitting on the stoop, you know, because back then.
I'm sitting on the stoops. I know.

Speaker 1 So I'm sitting, standing on the sidewalk, and then my uncle's like, what's wrong with you? Why are you standing over there? I said, man, I don't even want to be over there.

Speaker 1 He's like, Doc, you you got to chill out. And I said, All right.
And I came and sat next to my uncle.

Speaker 1 And then my uncle got up and he laid, no, and then my uncle sat on the when he sat on the stoop, the guy came and lay between his legs face first. And then I was like, Man, oh, man, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 And then he was like, What, what, what's wrong? And I was like, Man, you don't see what he's doing? Oh, my goddamn. I was like, You don't, you don't see what's going on.

Speaker 1 I said, Man, this shit is crazy. Then the dude was like, You're a little feisty when huh? And I was like, Man, stop talking, fucking, talking to me.
I'm not talking to you.

Speaker 1 I'm talking to my goddamn uncle. We're trying to have a goddamn timely moment, right? translate.
Let me translate. He sucked him off.

Speaker 1 Can you read?

Speaker 1 Can you read between the lines? Right? The message is.

Speaker 1 He brutally sucked him off. Yeah.
He came in his mouth.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.
So you came in your mouth. So now.
All right. The guy says, you're a little feisty one.
He says, he said, all right. Let's put, let's just, let's play karate.

Speaker 1 Then my uncle says, don't let's play karate.

Speaker 1 This is insane. This is insane.

Speaker 1 I'm serious. I'm serious.
All right. So so you start playing karate.

Speaker 1 Now, at the time, I was studying too a little bit. You know, so I knew a little bit.
Studying karate?

Speaker 1 Brock Morgan. He studied karate.

Speaker 1 That's hilarious.

Speaker 1 Blocking dicks.

Speaker 1 She's blocking as many dicks as they could, huh? Just blocking dicks. You so big.

Speaker 1 All right, so

Speaker 1 so we so we

Speaker 1 he gets in this stance.

Speaker 1 That's a lady.

Speaker 1 My uncle goes, doc, doc, doc, don't do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fucking shit. Duck, dog, what? Sorry.
Duck, doc, what? So my uncle's like, doc, you don't want to, I'm telling you. And I go, no, I got this.

Speaker 1 So I get in my stance, right? He gets in his stance. And then I, whoom, boom, kicked him in the stomach.
He goes, what the fuck? He goes, oh. He said, oh, you know I'm going to something.

Speaker 1 So then he got in this stance. And I go, what the fuck? And I go, okay, I'm ready.
And the guy fucking kicks me. And when I tell you, I fucking flew.

Speaker 1 I flew over the fucking grass, hit the goddamn truck, right? And I landed on the ground. I was so fucking maritino and then I ran towards him.
Like, you some bitch. And then my uncle grabbed me.

Speaker 1 He said, doc, I tried to tell you. This motherfucker's like a third, like a five-degree black belt.
Like, you fucking don't know what you fucking with. And I'm like, fuck.
Wait, wait, tell me, dog.

Speaker 1 He done kicked me against the goddamn truck. This shit is preposterous.
And he's like, calm down, man. I'm just trying to, I'm just playing with you.

Speaker 1 I'm just playing with with you he said he's he said he said you said you feisty you think you could pick me up i was like yeah i could pick you up what you mean right so he said we'll try to pick me up so i went around and i tried to grab his legs and pick him up and since he was like six feet he reached over and cupped me by my ass and lip now i said what the

Speaker 1 i was so mad bro

Speaker 1 what bro i said what the and then i said oh this man hey man take me the home right now and he goes what's wrong doc you don't see what the going up i said man just take me home so he's like cucked your asshole No, no, he had the cheeks.

Speaker 1 He tried to lift me. Like he lifted me.
Like when I had his legs like this,

Speaker 1 stop fucking with the camera. Yeah, don't touch the camera.

Speaker 1 But you, I was trying to show y'all. So wait,

Speaker 1 yeah, we get it. Yeah, we get it.

Speaker 1 We know what lifting is. And when I, when I lift him up, he grabbed the cheeks.
I said, motherfucker. And, you know, it was like, could it be, could it be? Could it be?

Speaker 1 That's the only thing back there when you're lifting.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? It's not as if, like, he could be touching.

Speaker 1 He could be touching any area of your body. It just so happened, you know, that's where your ass.

Speaker 1 So there, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so it couldn't.

Speaker 1 My question, my, but the thing I'm saying is that it's probably not a physical, like, homosexual thing that he was doing. Well, whatever the case was, it don't matter.

Speaker 1 I was, I felt like I was violating. Did you go home after this? Yeah.
I was like, take me back to granddaddy's house, right? Did you tell granddaddy what happened?

Speaker 1 Can you let me say? I'm almost there, Tino.

Speaker 1 Welcome. Let's go.
Go ahead. So then

Speaker 1 I. Hey, Granddaddy.

Speaker 1 So then I uh I tell him to take me home so my uncle's like what's wrong what's wrong I said just take me home fuck the shit I'm going so I go home and then he said you okay doc you need to talk nah man you good just go on with your boys I'll talk to you later so then I ran upstairs to my cousin and I was like man I said you know I didn't want to tell Unc but uh the dude that we was with he was grabbing on me I think that dude might be gay and Unc don't know it and then she was like you goddamn idiot we've been trying to tell you he's been gay for years and you fucking didn't listen to us your uncle's gay and i go What?

Speaker 1 Uncle, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 I said, The guy, so you mean to tell me him and that guy is together? She goes, I said, Oh, that's why he laid between us. She said, Yeah, you goddamn dumb.
That's why you sucked him up.

Speaker 1 That's why you sucked him off, dude. So, you're gay, doctor.
All those years, I've been kissing Uncle the Mouth and the penis, and he's gay.

Speaker 1 When I say hi, I kiss him on the tip of the penis, and he's gay.

Speaker 1 You're telling me Uncle's gay, the one I smooch at night. We snuggle up together.

Speaker 1 You tell me, Unc is gay.

Speaker 1 But this is important for all, especially like if you got any black listeners or anybody that hears a a story in a few it's good for your podcast because okay after that right this guy's out of case i get

Speaker 1 he come back home later and i cuss him out man why you wait till me you out here you know pillow biting whatever the fuck i'm i'm pissed i'm like man what's going on with you blah blah blah because you know i was angry right you remember

Speaker 1 he said then he said pillow bite

Speaker 1 you know you know if you face out i guess you probably bite the pillow maybe you bite the pillow i don't i don't know so what so you was of the pain the pain

Speaker 1 because of the pain of the butthole. I guess so.
That's what I was saying. That's what you're saying.
That's what I was saying. That's what I think.
I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 When a gay guy, his buttholes are pain. Yeah, yeah.
They bite. I think I'm quite sure women do too.
You know what I'm saying? I've never seen that, but okay. Sorry, I'm sorry.
Sorry about that, Julie.

Speaker 1 Don't touch her.

Speaker 1 Don't ever touch her again. Don't ever fucking touch her.
I'm just not. Did you see that shit? Yeah, I'm not.

Speaker 1 But I'm trying to

Speaker 1 say that. She's a good girl.
And you two are sick. Anyway,

Speaker 1 we're sick.

Speaker 1 You're out here with breakdancing, karate kicking, sucking dick in the park, and I'm the weirdo. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So it finished. So granddaddy and cousin.

Speaker 1 So I said, man, he starts crying. He says,

Speaker 1 because you're the only one that never turned your back on me. And I go, God damn it.
And to this day,

Speaker 1 we still cool in the motherfucker, man. You know what I'm saying? Like,

Speaker 1 and even sometimes, I remember one time he was like,

Speaker 1 I was talking to him. He was like,

Speaker 1 You're the only family member that didn't turn on him because when he came out as gay, everyone else shunned him. Yeah, yeah.
At first, everybody was like.

Speaker 1 But when you found out he was gay and you came to this realization, I had a hard time with it at first. You still, but you still stuck with him because you love him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I just like this is good. Because he was the only one that brought me around the Willis's family.

Speaker 1 I didn't, he was the only one that would let me stay over my grandmother, my grandfather's house, so I could be around all the Willis's, the grandkids, because my father wasn't around like that.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about, Willis? You see, fuck it. That's going too far, but you know what I'm saying? But

Speaker 1 even one time he was talking to me about, and he said, you know, Doc, I'm proud of myself. I said, why is that? He said, you know, I've been with one dude, I've been complete, completely monogamous.

Speaker 1 And he said, And I feel, and I was like, It's kind of weird because I didn't know what to say. Because I was like, Well, I guess that's good.
I can't get pregnant or something like that.

Speaker 1 I didn't know what to say. It was like,

Speaker 1 It's one of the awkward, but I said,

Speaker 1 Congratulations. But hold up, hold up.
And then he says, Doc, when we talk, when I talk to you about these, dude, this stuff bother.

Speaker 1 I said, No, I said, This is something you going through, and that is your life. So I'll say, talk about it.
Always talk, don't never feel uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 So he said, Okay, doc, because he said, you know, you're the only one one that's been listening. So, you know, that's the thing, man.
Like, that's great. Feel that podcast.
Always.

Speaker 1 Don't do that at the end. You just fucked it up.
It was so nice.

Speaker 1 Fucked it up.

Speaker 1 That's amazing, though.

Speaker 1 It's because you're a good human with a good heart. You care about the people, not about all the other shit.

Speaker 1 I don't like to fuck around and

Speaker 1 mislead them.

Speaker 1 I don't like when people.

Speaker 1 I had another uncle who I used to fight for. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 1 So much more time. I got to give this guy on the show.
Okay. All right.
You have another, okay. You have another gay uncle? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I got two more. It seems like

Speaker 1 I just don't. You think it runs in the family? Yeah.
Something going on.

Speaker 1 You have three gay uncles? Yeah. Three gay uncles.

Speaker 1 I don't have a single gay cousin or a gay uncle, just FYI. Well, you do, but

Speaker 1 it didn't exist. What do you mean? Everyone has a gay family member.

Speaker 1 They don't say I'm the guy. You think I'm the guy in the family? Could be.
I'm Rudy. I think the guy in the family.

Speaker 1 You think I am? Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why? Why? Why fuck you, bitch?

Speaker 1 48% bye. Yeah, bye.
You're by for sure. Yeah, okay.
But no, but that being said, everybody has a gay member in their family. Yeah.
They just maybe people don't talk about it, huh? You have one?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're that? You're it? Who announced?

Speaker 1 You know what's so funny? Growing up, I had a gay uncle Ira.

Speaker 1 This really good-looking Jewish guy, and we're not Jewish. So he's not white.
He wasn't my uncle. Was he? Just a family friend, but we called him Uncle Ira.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I got old enough and I was like, that gay Jewish guy is not my uncle. My dad was like, we're not Jewish.

Speaker 1 Look at you, you fucking map of Ireland.

Speaker 1 You fucking potato farming piece of shit. You think we're Jewish? I was like, I thought he was our uncle somehow.
He's like, who was he married to?

Speaker 1 I was like, one of those guys there was hanging out with. I didn't know.
He was my gay uncle. Ira.
But I didn't, I had no idea. When I was a kid, I didn't know.

Speaker 1 He was just good looking and worked out all the time. Had a bunch of fucking really good-looking guy friends.

Speaker 1 My gay uncle Ira.

Speaker 1 To be honest, it was wonderful, Doc. It just showed your true character.
You're a good egg, Doc. Oh, thank you.
You are. That was a true, because you really cared about the person.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Doc, you take us out and say thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Woof

Speaker 1 Yoof

Speaker 1 Woof

Speaker 1 Yoof,