Ruthless Toothless & The Lollypop Kids

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
They were naked with you, weren't they? Did they get naked with you, man? Yeah, they got naked. My brother and Jeremiah got naked for you.
Yes. But you know what it was? Gay? Yeah, that was gay.
Yeah, that was gay. Yeah, I'll get it.
gay yeah that was gay yeah okay but uh your brother he lost he got a little bit of a loser mentality like you he lost he lost bro lost what in uh strip poker oh in strip poker yeah that's what it is yeah that's what it is so you know it was and jeremiah said you know what he did the friend thing why are you cheap let's get to the cheap flapping in the wind let's get to the story now why why why aren't you what why aren't you drunk why are you drunk oh because uh i have the dentist fucked up my tooth i lost my tooth hey tooth tooth o- fuck up my tooth? See? Okay, good. It's F.
No, it ain't tooth. It's tooth.
What are you talking about? Is it one tooth or toothuses? It's tooth. I don't know.
It's a tooth. It's one tooth.
No, one tooth. I've never heard of that.
So tell him. Toothuses is not a word.
Toothuses is not? No, it's not. All right.
I didn't know if you know it. You can get to the story, man.
Okay. So, you know, I went to- Why are you Bill W now? Who the fuck is Bill W? He started AA.
It he started a which is a joke come on anyway get to the story all right yeah anyway so i went to the dentist and uh i was supposed to get a root canal and then the guy went into my mouth uh and he fucked up the root canal right and he drilled imagine where he goes dude i mean what's yellow pages. Yeah.
No. Craigslist.
How does he get his dentists? Brown pages. That's what he did.
Get down with the brown pages. He gets his dentists from Cool Grinder.
Hey, man. Yo, Toofert.
Come through. Yeah.
I don't do Toofers, though. I move locations often.
I'm glad y'all are drawing this shit. Go ahead.
Let me tell my goddamn story. How about that? All right, so he fucked up your tooth.
Yeah, he fucked up. For sure his dentist is in Panorama City.
Because he was drilling, and you know how, like, they have to go in the orifice to get, it's like four different orifices in the room. Are you saying office or orifice? Orifices.
Are you saying, like, the dentist office? No, no, not office. Orifice.
Yeah. Oh, y'all fucking with me.
That's their favorite show. I don't even know why I told this.
Steve Crowell's orifices. Yeah,ifice yeah that's their favorite show i don't

even know why i don't know yeah that's disrespectful that's what the fuck you know

how much i love steve carell in the orifice that's my favorite show yeah yo rain is so dope in the

orifice go ahead all right let me finish my story all right so anyway i go there he drills in the

orifice but he misses just real quick i'm sorry i want it up. Just don't say orifice again.
It's making me laugh. Why is it making you laugh? It is.
Just the way you say it is making me laugh. It's fucking up the story.
I'm saying it perfectly fine. So just don't say orifice again.
Go ahead. We're going to leave it like that.
All right. All right.
So he drills through the tooth. Good.
Yo. And he goes out the side of the tooth

into the other tooth.

Through his fucking tooth into another tooth.

Right.

What is it?

Hold on, but then you know how like.

Wait, wait, wait.

Can you just tell me?

Let me stop.

The only way to get to one of the teeth

is through another tooth?

No, no.

No.

He did it on accident.

He did it on accident.

Oh, I see.

His dentist did an accident as a dentist.

Oh, I thought he was challenging himself. Let me see if i can get to this get around this through this other tooth i did it so tell him now what happens so then he takes he says okay let me see where i'm at and he puts the splints into my my tooth to see to do the x-ray yeah and then he takes the fucking x-ray and the splint is going through the tooth into the next tooth i go what the fuck i said bro that ain't supposed to he say uh you know what i i'm sorry what color was he he said you know what i'll just put some semen in here semen yeah that's what i said you put semen you're not what is it you're going to the first of all you're going to the wrong dentist can i just this? I've never been to orthodontic school.

How do you say that?

Sure.

Why not?

Orthodontic school?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, dentistry school.

Yeah, dentistry school.

Yeah.

Never been through it, but I'm pretty sure semen has nothing to do with it.

Yeah, why would he fill your tooth with semen?

I'm pretty sure I know that he's doing it.

Okay, we're doing wordplay today.

Okay.

What do you mean wordplay?

You said fucking semen, bro. I wasn't sucking dick at the dentist office.
I accused you of anything, man. You said semen.
I think he wants to say cement. Oh, cement.
No, he said semen. I said semen.
What the fuck does I hear? Rudy, what did he say? Semen. Yeah, he said semen.
How about this? You heard semen like sperm semen? Doc, no orifices, no more semen. Those are the two words.
I'm out. I'm done with it.
Maybe because of my tooth, I'm sounding like it's sounding a little different. All right.
How about that? Just try to find different replacements for the words. Okay, yeah.
Thank you. All right.
So anyway, he put some plaster in there, right?

There it is.

There it is.

I can understand that.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

Rudy, no, denied.

Yeah.

And it got infected.

Dude, discount dentists.

Yeah.

Swole up my jaw.

Uh-huh.

And I went back in and he fucking pulled my tooth he pulled it yeah he had yo when he touches his jaw he said it feels like sand it's all broken oh yeah because he well that was something that he did before when i went in for he went back yeah yeah you got to get a different dentist dude yeah yeah yeah you're gonna look at a're going to look at the license, see if he has one. Does not.
Definitely does not. Dude, he found him on Groupon.
He got him off Groupon. You won't believe where he's at, though.
He's in Studio City. He's supposed to be a prominent.
Oh, fancy. Fancy.
Coming up, you know what I'm saying? Studio City. Wait, so tell him.
Studio City shout out to the... Where's the tooth now? Oh, it's gone.
Dude, he has a hole in his just left him with a hole in his jaw. I thought you were going to tell me he put it underneath his pillow.
The dentist was like, can I take this home and put it under my pillow? Yeah. Can you see Rudy? Okay.
Give her that mic. Give her that mic for a minute, just so she can.
Okay. Hold on, so he doesn't have to pass it.
Doc, you know that i'm missing 13 teeth right no for real yeah i could believe that you're kind of dumb so what yeah real attitude you know what you're kind of dumb so dumb people they fall in dude you're the one that's letting dentists put semen in your fucking teeth who are you to talk he's dude he's hyped up he goes and he trades on us and goes to that other dork show Then he comes in here with real attitude You know what he said to Fancy when he came into the hotel No I can't watch He goes man y'all didn't give me a big enough room That's what he said to Fancy Y'all didn't get me a big enough room See how this room is got a fucking patio Yeah you're not Andrew Santino fucktard I'm close to him No you're not man Bro, he goes, y'all didn't get me a big enough room. Oh, my God.
I'm goddamn special, dude. He goes, Andres.
He goes, Andres. Andres, how much room service can we get? That's what he said to Andres.
That's all he wants. Ruthless, toothless over there.
Yeah. So you can still drink, though, right? Nah, because it messes with the clot in there.
Just drink it away. Who cares? Yeah, drink it the cloud away.

Bobby lost 13 teeth.

He's fine.

Yeah.

You never heard that song before? Are you serious?

You lost 13 teeth?

Yeah.

Okay.

Bro, right?

Fuck.

Come over here.

Nah, because you're going to fucking be.

I'm not.

Come over here.

Come on over there.

God, man.

But if you get it fucking violent, I'm going to get violent.

See how this works.

I'm sick of you.

I'm not even going to touch you, bro.

This isn't going to work.

You can't go the other way?

Go the other way. Go the other way.
Just jump over the couch. Yeah, need look on this side of the mouth down here, okay, okay, oh you want me looking? Yeah, oh Okay, shit.
How do you go? On both sides. God teeth missing he said back down.
He can only eat egg salad man. Yeah you brought a few teeth away from giving out gummies, huh? That's another joke.
I feel like that's a joke. All right, well, I think with these two bad jokes back to back, I think it's time for me to announce what's going on tonight.
Yeah. We're in San Diego, first of all.
Bad friends. We're in San Diego.
The crew is here. We're all going to the show tonight.
I'm doing a performance at the Balboa Theater. Totally sold out.
And Doc is opening the show tonight. Hell yeah.
You doing stand-up tonight? He's doing stand-up tonight. How much time? I don't know.
What else is here? Ari Maness? For like five or two minutes. Who's opening? Doc.
He's doing 10. Two minutes.
He's going out. Yeah.
He fancy is going to introduce the show. Yeah.
Doc is going to go up and he's got to do 25 minutes. 25? You can do 25? Shit, I guess so.
I ain't done it in a while, but I can do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You excited? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at his face.
He's glowing. He's so mad.
If you take the time away from him, I'm never going to forgive you. I might.
I know you are. I feel like you're propping him up and in the last second, it's going to be a letdown.
And it's going to be funny on camera. Yep.
But it's going to break his heart. What are you going to do? Nothing.
That's life. That's actually life, right? Andrew, isn't that life? That's life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's life.
That's life, dog. That's it.
Okay, man. Rudy, how was the drive? Did you like it? A little trip down to San Diego? You know what's so funny? I asked her, I go, on the car ride, didn't I ask you about Harry Styles.
I go, if you were married to Harry Styles, he came up to you and he said, hi, I'm quitting music. I mean, and I want to marry you.
And we're going to just live on an island. And I'm going to drink 24 hours a day, become an alcoholic and just eat whatever I want to.
Get fat. I go, how long will you stay with them? She'd stay for two years.
That's the number. Yeah, two years.
Two years? Two years of an alcoholic Wait, why? Why not forever at that point? Will you have a limit on it? Yeah, because I think by the end of the two years, I'd be grossed out Yeah What's up doc Give him the mic

What did he just say to him

Who is Harry Styles

It's alright

It's alright

Easy easy easy

Alright

Bobby tell him who it is

He don't know either

He does he just can't believe that you don't know I can't believe you don't know He's like one of the most famous black activists On earth You don't know Harry Styles Martin Luther King Malcolm X Harry Styles She's showing you a joke photo that's not him Edgar Mevers I've never seen this guy in my life you've never seen this man no do you have the internet at your house is he okay he's not from Harry Potter is he don't fuck with me man don't do that it's Harry Potter no don't fuck with me Yes I've never seen It's Harry Potter Styles Hey man This fucking guy Harry Potter Styles Yeah This fucking guy is hilarious Dude Harry Potter Styles How are you He's a fucking singer Why would you say he was Harry Potter How are you alive How do you function in society Hey man You don't know anything Man How the fuck do you pay your taxes taxes You pay rent How do you survive Hey I'm just like the rest of America We do the bare minimum We just eat and sleep That's what we do And work a little bit Is Harry Styles a part of Harry Potter That's hilarious He is He very much so is Hey man I didn't know No God bless you Look how young he is though See I'm 48 Well Bobby knows and he's like what are you 67 I love how you don't know Harry Styles And yet you're trying to slam me And do a slam joke I'm just That hurt You're the fucking guy that doesn't know who Harry Styles is You fucker And you're trying to fucking me don't age shame Harry Styles was in a pop band from England called One Direction they were discovered by Simon Cowell on X Factor they were all contestants he put them all They created a band called One Direction. Harry Styles happens to be one of the guys that created a solo career, and now he's one of the biggest stars, as big as Adele, as big as Beyonce was at her time.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. No, I know.
No, you don't know. Timberlake and the wrestling guys.
Timberlake, same group. No.
Yeah, same group. Timberlake.
Same. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This guy fucking doesn't know timberlake and the same group no yeah same group timberlake same yeah

yeah this guy fucking doesn't know fuck timberlake he said he is whoa whoa whoa whoa okay go ahead

try to figure it out that's right okay timberlake is uh backstreet boys no he's in sync in sync

there it is that let him have it yeah i was there i was fucking there so you know who but it was all

boy bands so i'm right there okay you think harry styles was in a band with justin timberlake

Thank you. NSYNC.
NSYNC. There it is.
Let him have it. Yeah, I was there.
I was fucking there. So you know who- But it was all boy bands, so I'm right there.
Okay. So you think Harry Styles was in a band with Justin Timberlake? I was trying to like- They're close.
Man, I couldn't fucking. I was trying to, yeah, I couldn't.
I was trying to fit in. How come there's no more all black boy bands? There is.
Boys to Men? Yeah, there's not anymore. What is now? Oh, now? No, I said, how come there isn't any more? Yeah.
Boys to Men good amazing yeah I don't know how do I yeah well there was one group after them who Jagged Edge oh Jagged Edge yeah so good yeah good group but that's this is all the 90s yeah that's all the 90s we haven't had anybody in the 2000s that I know of because well I wish the Jackson 5 was a Jackson 6 and he was the 6th. And the shortest member of the Jackson 6.
Imagine. Because Michael Jackson is a super talent.
He's out there, right? What is this little fuck doing? Oh, I'm in the back. He's the tambourine.
What does he do? Oh, my God. He's got the triangle.
You know he's the triangle. You know he's the triangle.
On the accordion. The Jackson 6.
The Jackson 6. That'd be great.
You know how funny that'd be? Oh, shit. Really? How come? Because Korean boy bands are fucking huge.
The biggest in the world. Some of the biggest bands.
Right now? Yeah, dude. There's a group called BTS that's the biggest boy band.
Have you ever heard of BTS? No. Globally, they have to be the biggest band in the world.
The biggest band out there? Okay. I mean boy group.
Well, who do y'all got white right now? That's a big band. Who do the whites have this season? American, not...
Like the rookie. Who do the whites have? Any good rookies? Yeah.
Who do the whites have this year? Y'all don't have anybody. Y'all don't have nobody in the long term.
We're all injured. We're all benched.

Yeah.

You know who's doing,

all the whites have comebacks.

Like the Battery Boys did a comeback tour

and Sync 98 Degrees did a comeback tours.

Boyz II Men Sync in Vegas.

Are they really?

They have a residency in Vegas?

Yeah, they got a residency.

Yo, we should fucking go.

I would love to see that.

I'd rather not.

Matter of fact,

when I went to the taping with Jeff Ross

and David Till,

they was in Boyz II Men residency room. That's where they had.
So they performed with Boyz II Men, David Till and Jeff Ross? They didn't perform with them and shit, but they just had the room while they wasn't there. So we was in there looking at their trophies and shit like that.
Trophy? They had trophies? Yeah, we had some fruit and shit. It was good.
Did you perform on that show? No, I didn't perform. Just me, Ian.
Ian was at the cellar. Oh, yeah, yeah, the cellar.
And then Ian opened for Dave. Chappelle? No.
Oh, Dave Attell. Dave Attell and Ross.
So I went with him. Did you ever do the cellar in Vegas, Bob? No.
It's a whole week. You know that? Yeah.
It's like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, right? Have you? No, I actually did. I did Jimmy Kimmel's Club years ago when it first opened.
What's that called? Jimmy Kimmel's Club. Oh, it is? Fucking guy.
Yeah. He wanted you to know.
Well, I know who Jimmy Kimmel is. Okay.
No, but it is called Jimmy Kimmel's Club. What are you trying to? No, no.
You think that's the same thing? Me not knowing Jimmy Kimmel had a comedy club in Vegas and you not knowing who Harry Styles is? Yeah, it's the same thing. You think that's the same thing? Yeah, yeah.
It's the same fucking thing. It's absolutely not the same thing.
In my heart. Doc, you're the one.
In my fucking heart. You're the one over there with semen in your teeth.
What the fuck do you know? It's insane. We're still going on the semen.
All right. We're never going to let that go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to get you my dentist.
I don't trust yours. No, no, no.
I like this. I like him going to this guy.
Yeah, I like my marriage. Is he a white guy? No, he's Indian dude.
That's what's even more of a show. That's mystery.
Yeah, I figured a white would fuck that up for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But an Indian guy. But a guy.
They usually fly. But he told me he's 80-something.
How old is he? About 80, late 70s. You know who was the best dentist? Yeah, he's been so great for these many years that I've had.
Mark Simone. You know Mark Simone? Who was that? Steve Simone's brother.
Oh, yeah. Steve told me about it.
That's who I should go to after he heard about this. So when his brother 20 years ago lived here, his brother owned his own dentistry in Santa Monica, and we would all go there.
Would he give you a deal? Yeah. That's so cool.
He was the best dentist I've ever had. Where'd he go? He moved back to- He moved back to Philly or whatever.
To Philly. Yeah, yeah.
Wait, Philly? No. Philly.
Wherever they're from! Am I trying to guess? Why am I yelling? Yeah, Steve was telling me that. After he found out about this, he was telling me to come out here.
I'm going to the dentist on Wednesday, and I'm nervous, because I know they're going to find something. It gives me so much anxiety.
You getting any cleaning or what? Huh? Did you get any cleaner? Yeah, but it's been a while because of COVID.

You do have beautiful teeth.

They're real nice.

The bottoms are getting jagged.

They fall. Your whole family has good teeth.

Yeah, we're teeth people.

Yeah, your mom has a pretty mouth.

Wow.

That didn't even come out.

I don't know what that was.

Don't.

I thought it was a goddamn bottle.

He deserved that shit.

I saw her on Zoom.

She had a beautiful mouth. Don't.
Fucking God. She has a wet beautiful mouth.
Don't I thought of the goddamn bottle He deserved that shit I saw her on Zoom She had a beautiful mouth Don't Fucking God She has a wet beautiful mouth Don't All right No adjectives Don't You don't like adjectives Don't All right You've never been to San Diego Have you No But I slept all the way So Yeah she slept all the way The whole drive Yeah What the fuck are we gonna talk about Me in this one She hates me She doesn't hate you dude do you hate told me there's real mexicans near here there are real yes so there we go do i see what the fuck dude no i teach what do you mean these are this is mexico mexicans yeah either the borders right there okay we at la you think we are you think we're near the bay area no i just mex Mexicans are everywhere in California. But now I know what you mean.
You're talking actual touch over the border. Hey.
They call them come and goers. They come and go.
Okay, I get it. Yeah.
Like day laborers come across the border. You don't have to put the mic in front of her mouth until she talks.
She doesn't like it. Oh, okay.
She doesn't like it. She don't like the mic.
Yeah, Tommy Hilfiger super racist? That's what they said. You don't care? You love the product.
I've heard that, but I don't know if it's true. Will you look it up? What did Tommy Hilfiger say? I don't think he said nothing.
I think he was enbombing on a phone call. I'm going to be wearing this shit if that's the case I don't know if it was fresh enough you'd wear it Are those Hilfiger shoes? Andrew Cunanan's from here too Who is? Andrew Cunanan Who's that? You don't know Andrew Cunanan? Does anybody know Andrew Cunanan? Yeah he's the one that killed Versace Oh! He's from San Diego? Yeah he's from La Jolla.
Yeah, yeah murderers row But he he he killed a fashion designer. That's high.
It's sexy dude It's like if you can kill like gap is there a miss gap mr. Gap.
Yes, or Mr. Key.
Is there a mr. Gap Bill Gap? Bill Gap there's no Bill Gap.
Yes, there is Bill Gap. That's his name.
That's his name Bill Gap. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, Bill Gap That's his name? Bill and Cynthia Gap. Bill Gap.
There's no Bill Gap, bro. Yes, there is.
Bill Gap. That's his name? That's his name, Bill Gap.
Oh, yeah. Bill Gap.
That's his name. Bill and Cynthia Gap.
Cynthia Gap. Yeah, yeah.
So they started Gap. But rest in peace, Cynthia passed away a couple years ago.
So there's Bill Gap and Cynthia Gap, right? They started Gap. In the early 80s, right? It was a vintage clothing store first, right? And they used to be called Alley's? I don't know what it was called.
What do you mean? What was the first store they called? Oh, The Alley's. The Alley's.
Yeah, The Alley's. It was called The Alley's, right? And how did the name came about? Oh, I know what it was.
So all the prices, you know what I mean? They were going out of business, so they did like a 30%, 40%. And that's where the gap comes from.
That was the gap. That was the gap.
And it was like, we're going to save you a lot of money. Look at the gap.
Yeah. So the tag used to say, look at the gap.
Yeah. Holy shit.
You guys are just walking dictionaries here. Yeah.
Yeah. Or is it encyclopedias? Which one? It would be the second one.
Yeah. It would be definitely the second one.
Dictionary has English language words in it. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Pete, what is it? What did Tommy Hilfiger say? So apparently this was he went on the Oprah Winfrey show and made some racist remarks. He went on the Oprah Winfrey show and made racist remarks.
What did he say? Which is the right venue to do. If you're going to do it.
If you're going to do racist stuff, do it in front of Oprah. I mean, that's what I always say.
You know what I mean? I mean, he's real. What did he say, Pete? Are y'all serious though? What? Yeah, it's a goddamn rumor.
They threw him off the show. They threw him off the show.
He doesn't want black people wearing his clothes. He doesn't show he doesn't want black people he doesn't want black people wearing his clothes i gotta see that shit you just heard it he just said it to you that happened dude yeah but that he could be reading what what source is that what do you get that from what it's from the magazine the source it's from the source it's not true it's on reddit it's true the source is that? What do you get that from? What? It's from the magazine The Source.
It's from The Source. It's a rumor.
It's not true. It's on Reddit, dude.
It's true. The Source is the hip-hop magazine The Source.
That's what it's from. Man, I wouldn't be wearing this shit if he was like that.
That sounds true to me. Five mics.
I would take the shirt off. It's embarrassing.
Nah, it's a rumor. It's not real.
He said he wants it on white backs only. Yeah.
For what? Well. Like the clothes I'm wearing, right, from old confederate flags did you know that better help oh my god Andrew we both talk to somebody we both believe in this this is something we actually use often yeah better help will assess your needs it's online therapy you know what it is yeah and it matches you with your own licensed therapist you You can start communicating in under 48 hours.
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It's the best. I'm telling you, there's a broad range of expertise available, which may not be locally available in many areas.
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Oh, my God. Raycon is my favorite.
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I've suggested it to friends. Yeah to friends they look great, they feel really nice and snug they come in a range of cool colors, customizable gel tips for in my, cause my little tiny, I got a little tiny ear holes.
I've been also listening to Tupac. You like Tupac now? California rough.
California rough? I don't know but I love it and I love listening to it with my Raycons is my point. Well Raycons are great.
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Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

You feel good about that?

Yeah, it's okay because the flag is just...

It's not on it anymore.

It's not on it anymore.

Andres doesn't like it.

He shakes his head.

Andres doesn't like these jokes.

Yeah.

I don't care, Andres.

Anyway.

What are you?

What do you mean,

what am I?

No, I thought he was...

What?

I thought you were Spanish, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What?

What a fucking guy.

Man, you know,

I didn't know... It's like he learns the same thing every day over and over again.
OG. OG, Spain.
Okay. Wait a minute.
You do know this, right? What? That Fancy's from Spain. Yeah, I do.
I kind of, sort of knew that. Where did you think he was from? He spoke Spanish, so I was like Cuba a little bit.
You think he looks cuban yeah he knows what i'm talking about you guys don't know because you don't look no i'm not even espanol cubans are way darker look at how like this kid is like him too he knows that are there cubans that look like you puerto ricans too bro not like that yes no okay well see that shows you how much educated i am. Edicated? Yeah, I started a little bit.
Doc. What up? Doc, you have the fucking cutest eyebrows I've ever seen.
They're so tiny. They're like chocolate strips.
Okay. You know, like I want to rip them off your face and just eat them.
So how did we go from that to Bobby porn? He's just admiring your eyebrows. I'm just gazing into your fucking cute little fucking eyebrows.
I'm glad you feel that way, Bobby. That makes me feel real uncomfortable right now.
Well, feel uncomfortable. Like, yeah, I guess I should.
I'm like, God damn, we went from talking about

Cuba and

Life's Game Brothers in Cuba.

We're the same height.

If you and I are 69,

there's no

muscle being

overused.

Like, if I'm 69-ing

George Kimmel,

right,

there's muscles being used

because he's taller.

So I have to stretch, right, elongate my neck when it's 69ing right? and maybe you? it's just perfect bro it's like two Tetris pieces this is your ass right? this is your ass there's no stretch it's actually the perfect not a muscle and then it's there. Perfect.
Perfect right?

It's like when Tetris pieces link up.

That's exactly

what it is. Thank you so much man for saying that.

Those two upside down Tetris pieces. Great conversation

to have in front of your daughter. This is fantastic.

How do you feel about your dad over here?

She's staff right now.

Talking fornication. Yeah.

It's fine. I'm used to it.

She's used to it.

Well I'm not. That sounds like the judge asked

her in a court was like how do you feel about it? She's like it's

Thank you. Talking fornication.
It's fine. I'm used to it.
She's used to it.

Well, I'm not.

That sounds like the judge asked her in a court.

How do you feel about it?

It's fine. I'm used to it.

Good girl.

Good, smart. Don't say anything bad.

When he dropped those cards.

Funniest thing I've ever seen.

Not only the funniest thing, but there was also a feeling of embarrassment.

Oh, yeah. And shame.
I felt Shin was in his head, he was thinking about getting in the car and leaving as soon as he saw it. To my credit, I think he might have put a little bit of oil on there for the effect.
You know what I mean? Like, he made me. Is that like a racist joke about Shin Lim? No, I'm just saying that I was set up.
What is that? Like, I know how to shuffle't believe me bring some cards out here we can do this we did we did we did it and we were taping

it we filmed it we have it on film saw your failure live yeah okay yeah there was no escaping

it doc are you ready for your date tonight i thought we weren't gonna do it he said we wasn't

but we're gonna do it we're gonna do it live okay. Oh, so we're doing a date on stage.
It's a long-ass show. Okay.
I feel so bad for the girl. What? I don't know why.
I just feel so bad for the girl. Why? She submitted.
She submitted. I understand that, but it's like a female jihadist.
know what I mean Just taking one for the team Taking like I love the cafe What if she blows herself up on stage Yeah yeah yeah Then I'm dead too Then I'm fucking dead too Don't say that shit I'm gonna live It just like feels like Someone's sacrificing Something large Something they really Yeah The girl is And it's like Or Or She wants a little black magic and she really genuinely loves Doc. That's what I'm saying.
Why he can't be. It's hard to believe.
It's hard to believe. Listen to me right now.
Honestly, Andrew, I've known you for how long? Yeah, 15 years. Look at me in the eyes, dude.
Yeah. Is it hard to believe, right? I'm just, don't take this personally.
Should I leave? No, leave i want you to listen to it okay i'll take it personally don't take it all about you but don't take it personally do you is it is it hard to believe that a female human being yeah right would allow right right his genitals erect inside their organ. Pretty hard to believe.
Hard to believe. Pretty hard to believe.
Now that I think about it. Now that I think about it.
Yeah, yeah. What the fuck is wrong with your boy? He's fucking.
But you know what? It's only because you kept denying wanting to meet up with any of these women that he's concerned. What women? All the women that we had submitted.
You want to go on a date with any of them we had to force you to go on this date with this woman it's easier to believe this is the one with the boyfriend right no no we have to say no to that one because of your but this is a different one yeah yes you like this other one yeah okay oh my. Oh, my God.
See that?

All right.

Let's do.

How about this?

Let's give Rudy that other mic.

Do a practice date right now because we need to give you some training.

Y'all think I'm bitches like, oh, what kind of shit is this?

Let's see how well you do, pal.

Okay.

All right.

You're on a date with Rudy.

I'm the waiter.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Welcome to Meta's as well.

Love this place.

Welcome to Meta's Maswell. Love this place.
Welcome to Meta's Maswell. Two? Table for two? Table for two.
Please sit here. Do you like this view? Your accent a little thick.
What was that? Do you like this view? Oh yes, it's beautiful. Already.
He almost got kicked out. How? How did I almost get kicked out? You're a black guy in Madame Soswell.
Yeah, but the accent was a little bit... I know, but he's racist.
You know that. This is Madame Soswell.
Well, anyway, would you like to hear about those specials? Yes. Okay, we have...
Let us hear. We have...

Escargot de caviar.

I'm listening from another table.

Yeah, escargot de caviar.

Basically, it's lightly sauteed escargot

with lightly creamed escargot.

Okay.

Do you know what those are?

No.

What is escargot?

Escargot?

You don't know what escargot is?

Escargot, no.

There's a McDonald's across the street.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

I'm already to kill this waitress.

Would I get in trouble if I said that?

Yeah, you would.

No, I don't think so.

I'm reporting you.

I'm going to call your manager.

He owns the place.

I own the rest. I'm Madison.
This is Madison No, I don't think so. I'm reporting you.
I'm going to call your manager. He owns the place.
I own the rest.

I'm Madison.

This is Madison Swell.

Calm down. Calm down.

Yeah, yeah, thank you. Look what's happening on the date.

Reprimand him, Rudy.

She's my piece.

Would you like a bottle of flat

or would you like a bottle of

sparkling water? I'll take the sparkling

water, please. And for the lady.
Flat, please. Flat mother? Do you like a bottle of sparkling water i'll take the sparkling water please and for the lady

flat please do you want a bottle of flat and a bottle of sparkling give me both okay ooh they're 49.95 a bottle okay well can you pour hers in the cup and just give me the bottle I guess we could

I'm actually the

You know

Not the main server

You know Not the main server You know what I mean Francesco's the main server So now Hi Why did I have her? Francesco say hello No she's my assistant I'm Francesco I'm here to serve you Okay I told him about the special Oh you did? Escargot Oh he know escargot, does he? You know the McDonald's across the street. You see this? You can get a complete meal for $2.99.
This is the rudest restaurant. No, it's funny.
Lovely lady. Lovely lady.
Weird looking man. Lovely lady.
Okay. Bizarre looking man.
Bizarre. We are from an island outside of Greece.
Greece, right outside of Greece. Where are you from? I'm from Detroit.
Oh, gross. Are you sure? We don't need to leave.
We don't need to leave. Miss, where are you from from the philippines how do you end up with this thing yeah this yeah we met on a dating app oh which one which one tinder oh nice who swiped first yeah yeah he did yeah he would he would looked like he swiped.
Are you blind? No. Are you sure you're not blind? Have you taken a look at the menu? Do you want to know what you want to eat? Yeah, yeah.
We'll have the most expensive, most special dinner because Doc is gonna pay for everything. Yes, we'll be back.
Well, we. Well, we have a whole shark.
We can cook a whole shark. We have mammoth bone marrow.
Mammoth bone marrow that we saute over the top of an endangered species that's a bird. Since the mammoth is extinct, the bone marrow is very hard to come back.
Very hard to come back. In fact, they haven't found an intact mammoth in probably thousands of years.
Thousands. Anyway, but look at this gigantic, we have a gigantic mammoth bone with a marrow.
See? Fuck, this place should be called Flintstones. This is like the...
Oh, you make fun of a restaurant? I mean, it's... You're the one to come up to me and say, can I have booster seats? You ask me for a booster seat.
I give you booster seats. Where did you say McDonald's was at? I don't know if I'm at McDonald's.
You want to stay here? Yeah, yeah. They said I was like, where I'm from in Europe.
You like these guys? It's fine. It's fine.
Just calm down. It's fine when they compliment you, but they dissing me over here.
Ma'am, do you want us to call the police on this, man? How does I got to pay expensive shit. Ma'am, we can put a children's placemat with the, with the little, um, puzzles and the little cartoons.
We have crayons. Crayons.
Would you like that? Doc likes that. Yeah, yeah.
Go get that. I get the crayons.
Go get the crayons. The dinosaur.
The dinosaur. You have the cartoon.
There you go, draw. Okay, here are your meals.
Here you go. Please enjoy.
I don't, I didn't remember them all. Very fast.
I didn't remember them all day. You ask, you receive.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're all done with the plates? Yeah.
Thank you. How was the meal? Yeah.
It was really good. Good.
Anything else I can get you? Coffee? Dessert? Dessert, baby. Oh, dessert.
Dessert, too. Yeah.
Yes. Does the man not want dessert, but he's making the meal? Well, we have a very special dessert.
Tell them about that. How much is your desserts? How much? How much? Ask about the money.
Yeah, about the money. I mean, I just paid $49 for a bottle of water.
I just... And your meal was $1,200.
$1,200. Stop being embarrassing.
You're embarrassing. You're embarrassing.
You're embarrassing. It's $1,200.
I'll stay in a studio apartment apartment. This is so kind of well.
Go ahead. Let's go on in and just keep it coming.
All right, so wait. Hold on.
Are you telling us maybe you can't afford? Because we're going to have a problem? Are we going to have a problem? No, no. You know, where's the front door? Give me your card now before we move forward.
I'll give it to you. Don't worry about it.
Give me your credit card. That's your card.'s a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a That's a Lane Bryant.
Why? You shop at Lane Bryant? That's all I got. I mean, you know, I'm just, I'm trying to pay for this the best way I can.
Okay. I can't use this Sharper Image gift card.
Sharper Image is not around. Listen, sir.
Sir. If you can't afford it, you're going to have the washer dish.
Washer dish. You look like someone who has a washer dish.
Both of us, right? No, no. He can't do both for us, right? Yes, he'll do your job as well.
He looks like he looks at a car wash. I ain't never taking you out again.
This is preposterous. Okay, Doc, it's back to us again.
Okay. What a bad date.
Yeah, it was real bad. I mean, what the fuck? You're never going to land with that.
You don't know how to do it. You didn't let her.
You didn't even ask her what she wanted. You just said, I'll have, I'll have.

I mean, fuck, dude.

You didn't tell her how beautiful she looked?

You didn't say anything sweet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Y'all didn't feel the magic?

No, there was no magic.

There was no magic.

Let me ask you something.

What do you think magic is?

Maybe you don't know the definition of magic.

That was me being...

What do I think magic is?

Charming?

Huh?

That's you being charming?

Yeah. Ask Rudy how the date went.
Rudy, how did you feel about our date? Your energy was off. What about the people outside of us, dude? You didn't ask me how I was.
You didn't compliment me. I couldn't win the prices.
You were just getting angry at both of them. They was dissing me.
You didn't hear me. Don't come to Madame's Aswell's then.
Dude, Madame's Aswell's is such a fancy, nice restaurant. Yeah, it's such a nice place.
Act like you belong. Yeah.
You know Madame's Aswell's. Yeah, you know.
By the way, you had Mrs. Madame's Aswell here.
I was getting dissed by Madame. You had Miss Carl Madame's Aswell right in front of you.
The little obese lady over here, she was pretty harsh. Are you insulting our owner? Are you insulting me? Well, you insulted me.
How did I insult you, young man? You said I should go to McDonald's like I can't eat here. That was some back of the bus type of shit you said to me.
You might not. That's what that was.
We've got a squirrely one. Yeah.
You know what fucking you came at me i'll never step foot in your place again good first of all the mammoth was horrible right did you like the mammoth i liked it that was good wait it was overpriced that's what i said overpriced that the mammoth bone marrow was horrible? As if there was a reference

like you've had it before?

Like, how do you fucking know?

I just went with your goddamn theme.

That's what you said, right?

I know, but okay.

You've never had it before.

You've never had mammoth bone marrow.

What could you compare it to?

Even if I had it, it probably tastes like shit.

You know, there's a McDonald's right across the street. What the goddamn McDonald's? Have you ever taken a date to McDonald's? Never.
Where's the cheapest place that we've all taken a date? I've always taken dates to a nice restaurant. Did you? Not fucking like $400 a plate like.
What's the cheapest place you've taken a date to? I mean, I've taken dates to like... I love Laurie's.
What? You know what Laurie's is? No. Laurie's Kitchen? Yeah, they are.
Laurie's. Restaurant.
Oh, Laurie's, the steakhouse. The steakhouse.
I said cheap. The cheap? See, this guy...
You're such an asshole. No, for a steakhouse? Yes, for a steakhouse.
Laurie's is pretty cheap's is pretty cheap. I'm talking about a

chain restaurant or something.

What's the cheapest? Morton's.

That's the cheapest you've ever done on a date? Is that a chain?

Yeah, but that's not cheap.

That's not cheap. Or Boa.
I'll go Boa.

Boa? What the fuck? I'll go Boa.

I'll stop there. Are you kidding me, boys?

It's like five money signs.

What's the cheapest place?

You know, I've taken girls to like

Smokehouse

That's pretty cheap

Is that by the

Studio

Subway

You can get a date to Subway?

When I first moved to LA I took a girl to Subway

I mean, that's understandable

It's all I could afford

And I made her split a foot long you guys fuck huh what do you guys fuck yeah I bet I let her get the Italian BMT was it wild it was nuts yeah the subway girl but we shared sun chips that's all I could afford if you if you had a guy that's wait I know would you be mad J? Give me the mic. Would you be mad if a guy took you on a date to subway? I wouldn't be mad if I know that he's not making that much.
See? But he's making a lot and he's taking me to subway. No, I was poor.
I was 22. I had no money.
Right. I literally was living on like $20 a week But if he like If like Harry Styles

Took you on a date

Oh see then it reverses again

She'd be okay with it again

Because it's Harry

If it's Harry

See

Yeah

So you'd have to be poor

And very sweet

Or very rich

And super hot

Are you excited to do

Seth tonight by the way

Rudy do you want to do

A little bit of time

No I'm fine

Please

No

Okay you will

No

Yep

It's gonna be a lot of people

It's no

It's only like 1,500 people

Or something like that

Sold out

Yeah

1,500

Thank you, babe. What the fuck is up, San Diego? Yeah, bitch.
I'm so glad to be here.

I brought a couple of bad friends with me.

You ready for a good show?

First up is two special guests all the way from the dirty island, the tree climber and the Spanish fancy bee,

and little Miss Rudy Jewels!

Hello San Diego!

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

Rudy! Rudy! Hi, everyone. I'm farting a lot.
Yeah, my legs are trembling, too. Hi, guys.
Welcome, San Diego. We have a couple treats for you tonight besides Andrew's great show.
Yeah, I'm Rudy or Jules. Tito Bobby and Tito Andrew forced me to do this again.
But welcome

to Tito Andrew's show.

I think he's the better

and funnier Tito.

So, to star,

we have the little

black man

from Bad Friends.

The black alley cat. from Bad Friends.
The Black Alley Cat.

The Greatest Black Magic.

A.K.A. Doc Willis.

So give it up for Doc.

Yeah.

Hey. Hey, hey, San Diego.
Live in the flesh, right? Fucking fantastic. Look at this goddamn crowd, all these goddamn racer people.
We got whites and any black people? Oh, shit. Hell yeah.
That's what I'm talking about. DoorDash.
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Subject to change. Terms apply.
You look like a guy that sells Hollywood signs. What? What? The Hollywood maps, I mean.
Oh, the maps. Oh, yeah, the map of the stars.
Doesn't he look like a Hollywood map guy? Like you know where people live? Maybe. I guess.
Where do you live, Doc? I live in Studio City. Where your dentist is? Yeah.
I stay right down the street, right around the corner from Brody, the street from uh brent morin and rick glassman david lucas is over there francisco ramos comics corner yeah we out there in these streets r.i.p brody brody the funniest thing brody ever said to me so many funny things but one time I tweeted like in the height of all the Trump chaos way before he was elected. I wrote, I'm gonna vote for Trump just to make Eastside Comics mad.
And then Brody came up to me and he was like, really voting for Trump? I was like, oh, I was just making a joke. He's like, you should.
Don't be a coward to follow through and then he walked away that's funny dude he was so funny his that that that that news when he died yeah was the worst day of my life pretty tough i've never i've never been so hit by somebody's death more than him isn't crazy you know when somebody says where were you when something happened i usually don know where I was when Brody died. I literally know.
Where were you? What? Where were you? I remember I was taking a nap and I remember Kalilah going What's so funny? Perfect Bobby story. Yeah so I was taking a nap and I remember Kalilah going It was like 3.30 in the afternoon.
She goes Brody died. And I go What? Brody died.
And i waited five minutes in silence and i said why aren't i crying oh i said that to her she goes you will when you wake up because i was kind of in the mid stage yeah i know that and as soon as i started kind of waking up balling oh my god i was on a chairlift. I was in Mammoth.
Skiing? Yeah. Yeah.
What rich white people do. Snowboarding.
Mammoth. It wasn't Aspen.
It was Mammoth. All right.
But I was on this chair and I got into a fight with my buddy that we were out there on the mountain. We were arguing.
He was upset about the Airbnb we got. I was pissed.
And then I got that news and had goggles on and I cried in my goggles on the chairlift and we didn't say a word to each other i just got in the car and i drove back to la we didn't even say goodbye i literally got in my fucking car and i drove back to la and and it the whole ride i was quiet there was no radio and then i kind of snapped out of it and realized that i was like oh my god God, I've just been driving, not even thinking. My brain was like empty.

I was... We didn't ask you, Doc.

Anyway...

Hey, man, don't be...

God damn.

You was having a moment.

Say hi, I ain't fucking.

Sorry.

Where were you?

Yeah, where were you, Doc?

Brody was supposed to be in the San Obispo comedy festival.

Oh, that's right.

In the slow festival.

I was on my way up there.

Wow.

And then I was going to surprise him because he didn't know I was going to be on the festival.

I was going to be on the Fridays and Saturday show. Oh, fuck.
So then. Is it like a little person show with you, Brad Williams, a bunch of people? Okay, so.
Okay. Out of the disrespect.
Was the lollipop gang there? Yeah. Okay, y'all.
Okay, now. Let's get back to the heartfelt moment.
Dude, because of what's going on in Hollywood with like more minorities getting bigger roles, I do think if they remake Wizard of Oz, you're going fucking kill it yeah kill it old ass the flying you'll what oh that's from fucking that's willy wonka oh that's another role you could get wizard of oz did you just say the flying what monkeys that's about to say. This goofy.
Don't look at me. Wait, wait, wait.
You thought I was going to say flying monkeys? Yeah, the flying monkeys. That's fucking crazy.
There are no flying monkeys in that fucking movie. Is there a Wizard of Oz? Yes.
There are? Yeah, you knew it. Doc.
I didn't know it. You hear this? I didn't know it.
The fakest goddamn. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know. No, but Oompa Loompas are in.
That's in Willy Wonka. What are the little people in Wizard of Oz? The Lollipop Gang.
They're not the Lollipop Gang. We represent the Lollipop Gang.
No, what are the little people called in Wizard of Oz? Find out, please, for me. They're called the Lollipop Kids.
That's the Lollipop Kids, man. That's a ridiculous name.
Dog, yes, it is. Yes, it is.
They go, we represent the Lollipop Kids. Yeah, the Lollipop Kids.
All right. Look up Lollipop.
Is it the Lollipop? What is it, Pete? Munchkins? Yeah, they're Munchkins. I know, they're Munchkins.
That's the word I was looking for. But they're called the Lollipop Kids.
The one that came out as well, Lollipop Kids, right? Which is a good bit. That sounds like a good rap group.
Yeah. We out here with the Lollipop Kids and this motherfucker.
Yeah, that'd be cool. Suck on me, bitch.
Suck on me. Suck, suck, suck on me, bitch.
Lollipop Kids. Lollipop Kids.
I feel that. Suck on my stick.
I'm the Lollipop Kid. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I want you sucking on my stick. I'm a Lollipop Kid.
Better suck on my stick because I'm the Lollipop Kid. This is the worst club I've ever been to.
I'm not sure stick I'm a lollipop kid Better suck on my stick

Cause I'm the lollipop kid

Sugar's so sweet

Suck on my feet

I'm a lollipop kid

Seven days of the week

You better suck me dry

VIP with him

There was no one else there

Just him and I

The music's playing

Him going yeah yeah

We're the only people in VIP

That would be a fucking nightmare. I would leave the club immediately.
Let's go to a club tonight, Doc. You want to ball out? No gay clubs, because y'all motherfuckers.
Why? What is that? Who cares? What do you mean, who cares? What am I doing there? Why can't we go to a gay club? No, because y'all be doing some silly shit. Oh, Mike, this guy's so fucking...
Having a drink, hanging out with some dudes? Yeah. That's not my style.
What is your style? My style is... Your style is not hanging out with human beings? Human beings.
And fucking... There you go.
What do you mean? They're not human beings? Gay clubs is what? Just all gay dudes, right? Yeah, what do you think is going on there? Yeah. Nothing.
Just all dudes. It's boring.
Do you think they're trying to force you to be gay? Just look how we get it. Look how we argue and shit.
I don't want to be in a fucking place with a bunch of other dudes. Fuck out of here.
You think that's what happens? We got to have some estrogen. We got to have some nice.
Having hissy fits on the fucking dance floor. You do realize we're going to a gay bar now.
Oh, I knew this type of shit. Well, you did it.
You did this.

Well, I thought you was going to say no. I want you to learn.

You got to open your mind, dude. No, what are you talking

about? I got to open my mind. I'm good.

I like gay people. It's funny,

Andrew. It's like, if you and

I were at a, um,

we're at the Abbey, right? In West Hollywood,

which I've been there. Yeah, multiple times.
So there's a club

called the Abbey in West Hollywood. Do you know

what that is, Doc? I've heard of it. Yeah, and so.
Don't get angry, dude. We don't own it.
Relax, dude. Because this is set up against me.
No. And I'm not that bad guy.
But I remember being there with my friend Mike, and there was a bunch of gay guys. And my hand brushed up against the guy's leg.
I was kind of doing this, right and he goes he then he reciprocated back he touched my leg with his hand yeah right and i looked at him i go oh dude i'm not he's like you're not we're gonna know but like if somebody touched you at a gay club right from underneath the table would you be like my bad or would you be angry? I'd be like, because he probably don't know. If I'm up in there, it's open game.
You understand? I can't be. What if he gives you a big kiss right in your mouth? No, that ain't going to happen.
What do you say? What do you say? Bobby, go kiss him and see what he says. How would you let a guy just up and just kiss you? Like, what, I'm going to just be sitting there and just, oh my God, he just.
Yeah, yeah. So he's like.
He just fucking. No, I don't go.
That don't work my god yeah yeah so he's like hi welcome to Madison as well we have a club night too oh welcome back to

Oh, look at her outfit. Look how beautiful.

What about me?

What about me?

You're okay.

Can I see your ID?

I didn't see your ID, right?

Look at how little he is.

We didn't see your ID.

ID, please.

I got an ID.

Oh, my Lord. What does it say? They come small.
The Willis' come small. Oh, you're like a Happy Meal.
Speaking of which, you know there's a McDonald's across the street. Yeah.
Stupid fucking McDonald's. Are you the Hamburglar? You look like the Hamburglar.
No, he's like Grimace. He's like Grimace.
You look like Grimace. Okay.
So, I would love to see him at a gay club. I want to take you to a gay bar for real.
No. Why not? For what? It's funny because it's like, when we go to a gay club, sex isn't even in our mind.
It's just, we're at a club. there happen to be gay people there well a couple of drinks is there a lot of women in there? sometimes is there a lot of women in there? yes yes a few lesbians no no no see they don't really party together that's what I'm talking about listen to me straight women will go with gay men to gay bars because they feel comfortable there because they're not getting hit on listen to Rudy Rudy confirm I've heard that rumor Rudy confirm that rumor.
Rudy, confirm. I haven't gone, but I would go to a gay club.
More than a regular club because regular club would annoy you. Every fucking dude coming up to you trying to be all over you like, hey, who are you here with? You hear what he just said? What? There's got to be dudes in there that's on a prowl like him looking for you.
In a gay bar? No. Yeah.
So you're saying there's one, right? There's got to be somebody in there. You're saying there's one straight guy at a gay club.
There's got to be somebody in the crowd. I know there's a 21-year-old Filipino in this.
You know, you ever heard? Remember Ari's bit like that? He went, or the story about how he went, and he said it was like a lot of girls in there because guys, I'm trying to tell you. Let's see how it would play out.
Nah, we're not going no gay bar. I'm not.
We're here. Welcome Mademoiselle's gay bar.
Hey, what's up, Doc? What can I get you to drink? Well done, Doc. What's up, you little sippy cup? What's up, you little tiny drink of water? How you doing? Look at this little piece of chocolate sauce.
I mean, this little piece of chocolate sauce i mean this is my jam oh this is my jam oh i love that i'm gonna twerk i'm twerking show your pussy that thing is out of shape hey so doc what's going on here are you finally coming out a little bit more delicious than that are you coming out doc is that why here? No, I'm not coming out. I'm just here with my boys.
Okay, we're here with our boys too. Watermelon sugar.
Watermelon sugar. Watermelon sugar.
Okay, what do you want to drink? I'm a bartender. What do you want to drink, Doc? I have a Pinot Noir.
A double? You want a double? Yeah. Give him a triple.
A triple. A triple Piano.
I gotta be drink I have a Pinot Noir A double You want a double Yeah Give him a triple A triple A triple piano I gotta be honest with you Pinot Noir Pretty gay Pretty gay Pretty gay Rudy what would you like to drink Yeah Sprite Okay With the purple pill I like to give you Oh Yeah Here's the purple pill? Okay. With the purple pill I like to give you? Oh.
Here's the purple pill. All right.
See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow.
Doc, if you go to a gay club, for real, and you order a Pinot Grigio, you're going to get hit on. You think so? You're walking around with a glass of wine at a fucking nightclub? I'm going to get hit on regardless because I'm in there.
That's what I'm saying. No, you're not.
They can smell that you're not gay. Okay, that's good.
I understand. They're cute.
Well, I know. You're cute as fuck.
Yeah. All right? You're going to be the fucking king asshole in that room.
Big time. Right? When you walk in there, they're going to hear...
Like a little... That's your asshole glimmering.
Right? Yeah. What is an asshole glimmering in the light? Like, you know...
Like there's just light hitting it. Yeah, that's exactly what this is.
Yeah, it's like there's a little LED light in the muscle around your dick. I mean, your asshole.
I mean, it's like there's like a little LED light in the muscle around your dick.

I mean, your asshole.

I mean, it's spinning real quick.

Are there hemorrhoids on it?

Definitely, like four or five pretty big hemorrhoids on it.

There could be.

Yeah.

When you walk through that, you'd be their fucking chocolate delight, my friend.

Be the bell of the ball.

Yeah, man.

I can feel that.

Yeah, yeah. You don't be the king for a day.
I feel that walk in the building, boom. Little Nestle Toll House just walked in.
Look at that little chocolate chip. You know what? Let's give him the purple pill.
Oh, yeah. Forget it.
Let's give him the purple pill. What is the purple pill? You get the pill pill.
And then the next day, what happens? He wakes up in our apartment. Oh, yeah.
I wake up. Yeah, I know what happens.
You wake up in our apartment the next day. Good morning.

Good morning.

You want eggs?

You want eggs?

Man, I'm out.

I'm out.

This motherfucker.

Don't say nothing.

Y'all don't know me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm out.

Wait a minute.

There's a trail of blood coming from your ass.

I'm out.

Well, you know, hey, don't need to speak.

I'll take care of that.

All right.

Come on, Black Magic.

Just stay.

Black Magic.

Just stay.

You told us that was your name last night, Black Magic.

Yeah, well, I don't remember.

Yeah, yeah, yeah don't remember. Yeah.

Wow.

Y'all about to see me pull a dove out of my asshole.

Little Black Magic.

Okay, we're going to go.

You know we have to go now.

No, we're not going.

Yes, we are.

No, Doc.

Wait a minute, Doc.

Doc, how much time can you do?

I could do about 35.

I just ain't been on stage in a while. Wait, really? When last time You got on stage Please don't make him do 35 You're doing 50 About I think you can do 20 About 3 weeks ago I did a show You can do 20 No let's start with 10 And see how it goes If it's bombing Fucking get off But if it's doing well Then let it ride I'll be alright 20 Regardless It'll be fun You just let him sit in it yeah he's gotta learn even if you're bombing we keep you up there okay I guess you'll be riding for 11 since then cause uh I'm not about to fight you for a dollar 14 that ain't going down matter of fact it was three ways you can drive I done fucked up the joke I ain't gonna walk up all the rest of the time man amen like love you too man calm the fuck down we got more show for you though you You ready? Y'all ready?

Oh, y'all in for a super treat right now.

This is my homie right here, man.

Met him at the comedy store.

Y'all seen him on MADtv.

Y'all seen him.

With no further ado, let's bring to the stage

my Asian friend, Bobby Lee.

One more time for Doc Willis, everybody. Sit down, man.
It's not my show, man. We told that motherfucker to do five fucking minutes.
He does 30 fucking minutes. One more time for Eddie Murphy.
Give him a round of applause. What the fuck, Doc? What the fuck? Right on.
Doc. I told Doc to do like 10 minutes.
I forgot he was black. I was like, he's fucking, he's going to run the light.
There's no doubt. He's like, man, I don't know what the clock was.
It's right here. This is the fucking clock, right? This is the clock right here.
This is the clock. Where did the clock go? I don't know where you put a motherfucking clock on digital and motherfucking...
I don't know what that shit was. Right there, dude.
Four feet. And give it up for that chocolate morsel.
He's the best. I love him to death.
Wonderful. It is what it is.
See, that... So cocky.
That is it. Yeah.
By the way, side note, you would never get hit on in a gay... No gay guys are going to hit on the guy wearing the Tommy Hilfiger shirt.
That's not their style. They know you're not gay.
Whatever the case is, I don't care. Huh? That's a straight guy clothing brand for sure.
I don't even have a problem with if a gay guy ever... You know I've never been hit on since I've been out here by a gay guy?

That's your problem.

You need to get hit on.

I was told by the gay.

Remember Tony Falcone?

Well, you wouldn't know.

Remember Tony Falcone?

You wouldn't know.

Who is Tony Falcone?

Who the fuck is Tony Falcone?

You remember Tony Falcone?

I don't know nobody named Tony Falcone.

The gay comic white dude from Florida. Oh, Tony Falcone.
No, I don't know Tony, man. Yeah, you do.
You just did his goddamn accent, his voice. I honestly don't.
You know? Tell the story. I just did a general gay voice.
How was that? Oh, okay. Well, let's see.
Tell us the story about Tony Falcone. So Tony was telling me, so a lot of us comics was talking about how like they got hit on by a lot of like straight comics and a couple gay comics at the store.
And they were saying how they get hit on all the time. And I was like, no, I said, I'll never get hit on.
And then Tony Falcone said, that's because gay men know who's gay and who's not. Correct.
That's not true. Correct.
Sometimes. Well, sometimes.
Or you're just not their flavor. I got three gay uncles and a gay cousin.
So now none of their ever hit on me either. That can be the name of your next album.
When I was about 14, 15 years old, I did get kind of, yeah. What? Say it.
What happened? Okay, I'll tell you what happened. You were molested.
This is when I found out my uncle was gay. Were you molested? Hell no.
I mean, yeah, you could consider it, but I was about. Now, I'm going to.
For sure. So this is what so this is what happened right yeah okay i was probably maybe about 12 13 whatever so it's gonna be brutal yeah it's gonna so i feel like this is gonna be a good one my uncle was like uh hey we're going to the park you want to go to the park with us and i was like yeah let's go starting off bad the two dudes which i didn't know was gay because i didn't know my uncle was gay at the time right so we go at the park we sitting in the car and the guy's playing ll cool j right i'm sitting in the car listening to ll cool j and my uncle starts going out and he starts break dancing and he runs back to the truck and he's like hey doc you should get out the car and dance with us and then i'm like the dance with me and i go nah man i'm sitting here listening to el era go ahead and do your thing and then the guy switched the music

to like this house music like blow your house down blow your house like that right yeah and

then all of a sudden my uncle switched and he kicked his leg up in his air in the air and caught

it inside his head and like can i said where the fuck that move come from oh my god never danced

like that in his fucking life right so i just was like that's weird so anyway stop stop can i just

So, let's weird. So anyway- Stop, stop, stop.
Can I just stop? Right? What? So he did a leg twirl and he caught his leg like this. Yeah, he caught his leg.
Yeah. Right? In a park.
In a park. In a park.
All right, so he's doing this shit. Yeah.
You know what I'd be doing? What? Running home. That would scare the shit out of me.
Right, he caught his leg leg my uncle hon just did a fucking wait leg twirl first of all first of all they're break dancing in the park but just outside and they're like come outside and dance you well we're in the truck me and the other two dudes which i didn't know and these are grown men yeah what are they doing the other two dudes are gay too i found out let me tell a story so then so he said hey come come on he said doc you should get out the truck and i said no go ahead do your thing dog fuck it so then while he's dancing the driver hand falls on my knee and i go what the fuck he said how the fuck he he don't see i'm sitting in the back here so i moved his hand like okay well whatever and then so then my uncle came to the truck again's like, doc, you should get off the car and say, man, maybe I should. I said, go ahead and do your thing, dog.
And then he starts. He said, look, let's flip because I do somersaults and shit, you know, back flips.
I'm pretty goddamn good. I'm pretty good.
I was pretty good. Dude, why is it? Little black guys can always do back flips.
Yeah, I'm a little athletic. So I used used to be but you don't do it at the park when your uncle tells you to do it yeah yeah cause we used to flip all the time when your uncles are doing it that's when you go you know what I'm gonna chill on the fucking somersault hey Doc get out the car and do some flips yeah that's weird man do some flips so then he's like do some flips so then while he's tumbling the guy's hand fallbacks and grabs my ankle so i kick his hand and i stomp his hand and i say i tap his boy in front and i say hey man let me out the car for a second and then i get out the car and i keep in mind and you're 13 yeah 12 or 13 yeah so you're telling a grown adult yo man don't touch me like that yeah you know you're not it didn't sound like that yeah you're not.
Get me out of this car. My voice was kind of deep when I was young, too.
Can I tell you something? I'm going to tell you what happened. Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc.
That little Barry, what's his name? Barry White. I'm going to tell you what happened that day.
All right? You were brutally molested by three of your family members. All why did you go there yeah i'll tell you i'll tell you why one was his uncle only one was his uncle whatever you were brutally molested by three adults brutally no and in your twisted mind right you've come up with this fantastical story backflips about black flips and doing flips meanwhile dude you're being fucking fucking bent over Behind a Chevrolet Just getting reamed from behind Like a rock Like Jerry Sandusky style dude It's so sad It's so sad We just gotta press charges Well let's vote Everybody raise your hand Do you think Doc was molested Raise your hand Alright dude I think it's five We should press charges That was crazy That's why you like Pinot Gris.
Pinot Noir. Doc, by the way.
It's okay. It's fine.
We've all been molested. Yeah, but that's not...
Bobby, molest me. I didn't even know molesting was that if they just touch you period that's molesting him touching your leg is it's not okay yeah whatever it is that's molesting kind of yeah kind of yeah you could yeah now let me ask you something did your penis make oh boy did your penis make a guess okay see that's what do you mean by that Are you saying that? What do you mean? What do you mean? Did it fucking get hurt, Bobby? I have to explain to you what the fuck that means, dog? No, Bobby.
I just told you. Was your dick sucked? No.
What the fuck is wrong with you? I just told you that he just grabbed the ankle. That's it.
Ain't no dick sucked. So he grabbed you.
Was that the end of the story? He grabbed your ankle. You got out of the car.
And then you never talked about it ever again to anyone? No, no, no.

No, no, no.

So I told my uncle.

By the way, we're not.

For the audience.

We're not belittling molestation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're joking about Doc.

Your scenario.

I understand people.

What happens with us.

I just do this shit.

No, but I'm saying.

I'm not making fun of what happened to you.

You understand that.

I'm not making fun of what happened to you.

I won't ask.

Doc.

Yeah, all right.

I'm just letting them know.

No one's making fun of you. But also, that was the end of it it was like he no i'm just getting to the core okay here we go this is it so i'm not down to park sucking this motherfucking dick so you're still going to the dick sucking it hasn't got to that never gotten to that oh it hasn't, Doc, go ahead.
All right. So my uncle's like, hey, we can go to their house to hit the driver's house.
I go, nah, man, I think we should go home. He goes, nah, let's go to his house.
I was like, all right. So we go to the house and there are stairs, right? They sitting on the stairs and then I'm standing on the sidewalk.
I won't come up to the- Outside of the house. Yeah, I'm just like- On the stoop.
Yeah, because everybody's just sitting on the stoop, you know, because back here- Yeah, yeah, sitting on the stoop because back yeah i know so i'm sitting standing on the sidewalk and then my uncle's like what's wrong with you why you're standing over there i said man i don't want to be over there he's like doc you gotta chill out and i said all right and i came and sat next to my uncle and then my uncle got up and he laid no and then my uncle sat on a when he sat on the stoop the guy came and laid between his legs face first. And then I was like, man,

what the fuck? And then he was like,

what's wrong? And I was like, man, you don't see what he doing?

Oh my god damn. I was like,

you don't see what's going on. I said, man,

this shit is crazy. Then the dude was like,

you're a little feisty one, huh? And I was like, man,

stop fucking talking to me. I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking

to my goddamn uncle. We're trying to have a goddamn family

moment, right? Let me translate.

He sucked him off. Can you read? Can you read between the lines? Right? The message is he brutally sucked him off.
He came in his mouth. Alright, so he came in your mouth.
So now, the guy says you're a little feisty one. He says, all right, let's play karate.

Then my uncle says, no.

Let's play karate?

This is insane.

This is insane.

No, no, I'm serious.

I'm serious.

All right, so you start playing karate.

And then he says, now, at the time, I was studying too a little bit.

So I knew a little bit.

Studying karate?

No, no, bro.

He's studying karate, he says.

That's hilarious.

Blocking bigs. Blocking as many dicks as they could, huh? Just blocking dicks.
You so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right. So he gets in his stance.
Hi-ya like doc you don't want to i'm telling you and i go no i got this oh so i get in my stance right he get in his stance and then i kick him in the stomach so then he got in this this stance and i go what the and i go okay i'm ready and the guy kicks me and when i tell you i flew i flew over the grass hit the goddamn truck right and i hit i land on the ground i was so mad tino and then I ran towards him like, you some bitch? Then my uncle grabbed me and said, Doc, I tried to tell you this motherfucker's like a five-degree black belt. You fucking don't know what you fucking with.
I'm like, fuck? Why you ain't tell me, dog? He didn't kick me against the goddamn truck. This shit is preposterous.
He's like, calm down, man. I'm just playing with you.
I'm just playing with you. He said, you feisty.
You think you can pick me up pick me up i was like fuck yeah i could pick you up what you mean right so he said we're trying to pick me up so i ran around and i tried to grab his legs and pick him up and since he was like six feet he reached over and cupped me by my ass and i was so fucking mad bro bro i said what the fuck and then i said oh. Hey, man, take me the fuck home right now.
And he goes, what's wrong, doc? I go, you don't see what the fuck going on? I said, man, just take me home. So he cupped your asshole? No, no, yeah, the cheeks.
He tried to lift me like he lifted me like when I had his legs like this. Stop fucking with the camera.
Yeah, don't touch the camera. But you, I was trying to show y'all.
So wait, yeah, we get it. Yeah, we get it.
We know what lifting is. And when I lift him up, he grabbed the cheeks.
I said, what the fuck? you i was trying to show y'all so wait yeah we get it yeah we get it we we know what lifting when i when i lift him up he grabbed the cheese i said what the fuck you know it was like what could it be could it be could it be that's the only thing back there when you're lifting you know i mean it's not as if like he could be touching he could be touching any area of your body it just so happened is you know that's where your ass is there. Yeah.
Yeah. So it couldn't.
My question.

My.

But the thing I'm saying is that it's probably not a physical, like homosexual thing that

he was doing.

Whatever the case was, it don't matter.

I was.

I felt like I was violated.

Did you go home after this?

Yeah.

I was like, take me back to granddaddy house.

Right.

Did you tell granddaddy what happened?

Can you let me finish?

I'm almost there, Tino. No.
Let's go. Go ahead.
So then I. Hey, granddaddy house right did you tell granddaddy what happened can you let me find i'm almost there tino let's go go ahead so then i uh hey granddaddy so then i uh i tell him to take me home so my uncle's like what's wrong what's wrong i said just take me home fuck this shit i'm gone so i go home and then he said you okay doc you you need to talk i said no man you're good just go on with your boys i'll you later.
So then I ran upstairs to my cousin, and I was like, man. I said, you know, I didn't want to tell Unc, but the dude that we was with, he was grabbing on me.
I think that dude might be gay, and Unc don't know it. And then she was like, you goddamn idiot.
We've been trying to tell you he's been gay for years, and you fucking didn't listen to us. Your uncle's gay.
And I go, what? Uncle, what the fuck? I said, the guy? So you didn't tell me him and that guy's together she go i said oh that's why he laid between like she said yeah you goddamn that's why you suck them off that's why you suck them off dude so they're gay all those years i've been kissing uncle in the mouth and the penis and he's gay when i say hi i kiss him on the tip of the penis and he's you're telling me uncle's gay The one I smooch at night. We snuggle up together.
You tell me Anka's gay. But this is important for all, especially like if you got any black listeners or anybody that hear the story, it's good for your podcast.
Because after that, right? This guy's out of control. I get, he come back home later and I cuss him out.
Man, why are you telling me you're out here, you know, pillow biting, whatever the fuck. I'm pissed.
I'm like, man, what's going on with you, rabble blah, because you know, I was fucking angry, right? You were mad that you found out he was gay. Then he said- Pillow bite? You know, if you fade down, I guess you probably bite the pillow.
Maybe you bite the pillow, I don't know. So what? Because of the pain? The pain, maybe? People bite the pillow because of the pain of the butthole.
I guess so, that's what I would say. That's what I would say.
That's what I would say. That's what I would think.
I'm not sure. When a gay guy, his buttholes are a pain, they bite the fucking pillow.
I'm pretty sure women do too. You know what I'm saying? I've never seen that, but okay.
Sorry about that, Jewel. Don't touch her.
Don't ever touch her again. Don't ever fucking touch her again.
No, I'm just not. Did you see that shit? Yeah, I'm not happy about it.
No, I'm just, but I'm trying to ask everyone, she's a good girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You are sick. Anyway.
We're sick? You're out here with breakdancing, karate, kicking, sucking dick in the park, and I'm the weirdo? Yeah. So it finished.
So granddaddy and cousin. So I said, remember what you mean? And he starts crying.
He says, because you're the only one that never turned your back on me. And I go, God damn it.
day we still best we still cool than a motherfucker man you know what i'm saying like one and even sometimes i remember one time he was like no nobody i was talking to him and he was like uh you're the only family member that didn't turn on him because when he came out as gay everyone else shunned him yeah yeah at first everybody was like but when you found out he was gay and you came to this realization i I had a hard time with it at first. You still...
But you still stuck with him because you love him. Yeah, man.
I just like... This is good honesty.
Because he was the only one that brought me around to Willis' family. I didn't...
He was the only one that would let me stay with my grandmother at my grandfather's house so I could be around all of Willis' the grandkids that my father wasn't around like that. What are you talking about, Willis? You didn't say fuck it.
I'm going too far. But you know what I'm saying? But even one time he was talking to me about, and he said, you know, doc, I'm proud of myself.
I said, why is that? He said, you know, I've been with one dude. I've been completely monogamous.
And he said, and I feel, and I was like, it's kind of weird because I didn't know what to say because I was like, well, I guess that's good. I can't get pregnant or something like that.
I didn't know what to say. It was like, fuck of the awkward but i said congratulations but hold up hold up then he says doc when we talk when i talk to you about these do this stuff out there i said no i said this it's something you you go through and that it's your life so i'll say talk about it always talk don't never feel uncomfortable so he said okay doc because he said you know you're the only one that's been listening.
So, you know, that's the thing, man. That's great, doc.
You know, that podcast? Always be good to people. Don't do that at the end.
You just fucked it up. It was so nice.
I fucked it up. That's amazing, though.
Yeah. It's because you're a good human with a good heart.
You care about the people, not about all the other shit. Yeah.
Because it doesn't matter. I don't like to fuck around when, like, mislead them or, like, I don't like when people.
I had another uncle who I used to fight for. Okay.
All right. Okay.
How much more time are we going to give this guy on the show? Okay. All right.
You have another, okay. You have another gay uncle? Yeah.
I got two more. It seems like, I just don't.
You think it runs in the family? Yeah. Something going on.
You have three gay uncles? Yeah. Three gay uncles and gay Three gay uncles I don't have a single gay cousin Or a gay uncle Just FYI Well you do But it just It didn't exist What do you mean? Everyone has a gay family memory They don't say anything I'm the guy You think I'm the guy in the family? Could be I could be the guy in the family Rudy? You think I am? Fuck you bitch Wait wait wait Why? Why? Why fuck you you bitch yeah yeah bye you're bye for sure yeah okay but no but that being said that you everybody has a gay member in their family yeah they just maybe some people don't talk about it huh do you have one yeah oh you're that you're it who knows you know what's so funny growing up i had a gay uncle ira i had this this really good looking jewish guy and we're not jewish so he's not why he wasn't my uncle who was he just a family friend but we called him uncle ira yeah but i got old enough and i was like that gay jewish guy's not my uncle my dad was like we're not jewish oh look at you you fucking map of Ireland.
Yeah, yeah. Fucking potato farming piece of shit.
You think we're Jew?

I was like,

I don't know. my uncle my dad was like we're not jewish oh look at you you fucking map of ireland yeah fucking

potato farming piece of shit you think we're jew i was like i thought he was our uncle somehow he's

like who was he married to i was like one of those guys they're always hanging out with i didn't know

he was my gay uncle ira but i didn't i had no idea when i was a kid i didn't know he was just

good looking and worked out all the time had a bunch of fucking really good looking guy friends

my gay uncle ira to be honest it was wonderful doc that it just showed your true character Thank you. I didn't know.
He was just good looking and worked out all the time. Had a bunch of fucking really good looking guy friends.

My gay uncle Ira.

To be honest, it was wonderful, Doc, that it just showed your true character.

You're a good egg, Doc.

No, thank you.

You are.

That was a true because you really cared about the person.

Yeah.

Doc, you take us out and say thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Woo. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.