Unpicked Boogers From The Vault

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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Hey guys, we have a bunch of footage and, and, and things that have happened on this podcast that we've never aired.
We've never aired before and we're going to air them. Yeah.
Because a fancy and George decided they want something to do over the holidays. So they're going to be commenting and talking about stuff that you've never seen that we've put in the vault and we're unearthing it right now for you, Bad Friends.
Yeah, it's fun. Fun.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Hey, Bad Friends.
Feliz Año 2022. Hope you guys had an awesome, awesome holiday.
I'm your host today, Fancy B, and we're going to do something we've never done before. I'm going to show you two episodes we've never aired.
Why, you might ask? Well, because Bobby or Andrew or both, while recording, didn't feel they were on. They weren't clicking as much.
They weren't as funny. I think that's complete bullshit.
We're going to cut all that stuff. We're going to cut this out.
It's so bad, this episode. It's so bad.
Let's start again. We're going to cut it out.
None of it. We're not rolling because all the stuff we just did was a waste.
I just feel like not connected to it. I know.
Delete it. No, delete it.
Delete it off the face of the earth. All face of the planet.
I'm so loopy. You're going to have to cut so much of this.
He's not in a good mood. His energy is weird.
We're not clicking. We're not clicking.
Come in here, Andrea. We'll talk about this episode.
All this stuff has to really be deleted off the face of the earth. All right, let's start over.
The first episode you guys are going to see is the fourth episode we ever shot. It was my first time on the show.
You'll see the set as it was, like completely bare. The set that you guys shit on a lot before any of this stuff was here.
It was the show. Well, George was the only producer.
We didn't have as many cameras. We didn't have as much stuff as we do right now.
And it comes at the right time because as Andrew mentioned on the New Year's episode, we are moving. We're moving to a bigger set to accommodate for all the stuff that is happening on Bad Friends.
Please let us know what you think. If you think this is funny, if you think it was worth for me going into the vault and unearthing this episode.
So without further ado, like you guys make fun of me, let's watch episode four of Bad Friends. It's a charity.
We have them on as a charity. We know this know this it's like hey it's like you know i have my friend who has a mental disability right he you know can he if i worked at mcdonald's can he be the fry guy have you ever given somebody like that a job just because just out of charity i just did with george with the tiger belly and then with this why do you think you continue to give George charity then? Because he has, I feel sorrow, pure sorrow.

It's like when I see Yemen kids starving. Okay.
The kids in Yemen starving. I look at George and I go, he's starving for pussy, he's starving for attention, he's starving for...
Is there anything that you think he's not starving for? Whiteness. What, you think he doesn't want to be white? No, I think he's full of it.
Right. He's full of whiteness and entitlement.
Yeah, he is. Yeah, yeah.
But that's the farm shit, though. Right.
It's farm whites. Well, he's fixing the cameras right now.
How does everything look? He doesn't have good eyesight, so you wouldn't even know. It's like the fry guy.
Hey, you put the fry on too much in the oil. Why can't you talk? You're not going to talk about the podcast about what we were just talking about? About what? Why is it that you think you haven't worked hard enough? You're not famous enough.
You don't want to talk about the person that i just that we just brought up no what i'm saying is is that you know for the amount of time that i've been doing comedy sometimes you're in situations where you're around a friend who is just doing more and doing better how many how many years have you been doing comedy for over 20 years and so you think to yourself where did i go wrong but you know what at what I do have, I'm grateful. Yeah, but it doesn't sound like it.
Yeah, I want to put a shotgun in my mouth. You know what I mean? And pull the trigger.
You know, and just all over, and they'll say fucking bad friends on the fucking wall. That would be tight art for the show.
You know the fans hate the show. They hate the desk.
They hate the decor. They say it looks like a dentist office.
I fucking already told you that you fucking, you have no artistic gut. This wasn't art.
This was me putting something together. In a shitty way.
To get it done as fast as possible. In the most terrible way possible.
To give it, to put the show out. Yeah.
How much time did you spend on it? You never give me the chance. How much time did you spend on it you never give me the chance how much time did you spend on it how much welcome back to how much time did you spend on it our contest today is bobby lee bobby how much time did you spend on it let me ask you this oh that's wrong friend nothing will you listen to me right now i'm listening all right you have different degrees of chefs correct you you have have the guy at McDonald's.
That's not a chef. That's a cook.
Oh, whatever, that guy. Well, don't disrespect real chefs.
All right, then you have the chef at Chef Boyardee. Not a chef.
Chef Boyardee is a real chef, dude. No, he's not.
Look at his name. Why would they put chef on the fucking thing? Because it sounds nice.
They're not going to write line, cook, board, D. Mr.
Schultz is not a doctor? Who? The Dr. Schultz, the foot guy.
Schultz? Dr. Schultz? Schultz.
Schultz. Whatever.
It's Schultz. I buy it.
It's very good. You do it.
And I love you. You know what? And you leave my feed every day.
Thank you. You buy Dr.
Schultz because you like the extra lift. It's not for the comfort.
That's because you're a tiny person. I want to play you a song.
We can't play songs on this podcast, can we? Ah, fuck. I know what song I did already, and you know what? It's going to piss me off.
I want to cut this off right now. I'm I sing the lyrics? I didn't play it.
Yeah, you did not play it last week before the show.

No, this is Randy Newman.

Yeah.

Short people got no reason.

Short people got no reason to live.

They got little hands, little eyes.

Walk around telling great big lies.

They got little noses and tiny little teeth.

They were platform shoes on their nasty little feet.

Oh, bro.

Do you feel better?

Do you feel better as a friend?

Do you feel better?

I absolutely not.

And also, I've been watching a show on Netflix called I Am a Killer.

I watched it.

You watched that show?

Yeah.

Yeah. Every single one, I think, that's Sant you know no no yeah yeah you're like you i don't know what happened you you fucking won the lottery by not i don't know circumstances or whatever you think i could have been a serial killer you could have killed somebody accidentally yes accidentally on purpose on purpose no no no right i i've killed someone accidentally i've never done it on purpose i killed three guys in mexico on accident i crashed an atv and i killed three guys like matthew broderick same yeah i killed three guys in mexico on an atv and are you joking right now nope and how you feel good about that i don't feel anything about it.
They're gone. Yeah.
You know Latinos, what they call them. Huh.

They're gone. Yeah.
You know Latinos, what they call them? Huh? They're real people too. They weren't, first of all, they were white.
Oh, fuck. They were tourists.
It was a white tourist family. What, from England or from where? They were South African.
That's how I knew, that's how I know you're lying. No, South Africa.
You would have saidan earlier you were atika and then you said south africa because i was still i was thinking about telling you which one where they're really from south africa you're making it up south africa i was speeding at them in the atb and they go stop right there no we're on the atb as well yeah and i crashed into them i killed a family a mother a mother a daughter and a dad You know I ran over a guy Shut up Right George I ran over a guy I hit it If we're being genuine I hit a guy with my car I'm dead serious I didn't kill him But I hit him with my My guy He might be dead He can never walk again You paralyzed a man? Well you killed three people That. That was a joke.
Me too. Dude, what did you do? All right, so when I was 17 years old.
Have you told this before? Has he told this before? I barely remember, so maybe a long time ago. Yeah, a long time ago.
So I should not tell it? No, I want to know. I've never heard this story.
Yeah, it's not that big of a deal. Yes, it is.
You paralyzed this story yeah it's not that big of a deal yes it is you paralyzed the guy it's not that big of a fucking deal yes it is hey I paralyzed the guy not so big of a deal for who you you have legs you walked again so a man is in a chair somewhere I wobble you do you roly poly yeah roly poly you're like thoseka dolls, those Russian – you have low bass. I was driving down the street in my – I had a Toyota truck.
Don't do that. Don't wink at the camera about a Toyota truck.
It was nice though. And I had a Toyota truck.
I was going down the street. Yeah.
And somebody had lifted the stop sign out of the ground. So there was no stop sign.
Really? Look at the police report. This is like a bad teenage movie.
I was a teenager. I was 16, 17 years old.
So I just turned to right and the next thing I knew I see a body fly over my car. You didn't feel the body? You didn't feel it? I hear, and I see, and there's a guy, you're like that.
And you hit a man. And then I ran him over.
Because he hit the back of my car in his motorcycle. He went over my car.
Over your car. Yeah, and then went, and did you stay around to see if he was okay? Yeah of course I'm not a fucking psychopath I pulled over to the side Was it your fault? Yeah By the way what an Asian ringtone You picked the most Asian Yeah You pulled over.

Cops came.

Amber lamps came.

No, what happened?

No, let me.

So we get out of the car and I'm laughing.

You're laughing?

Yeah, because whenever I'm in a stressful situation or I think – because I think my life is over.

I don't know.

When I'm in a situation where I'm like – it's only happened a couple of times in my life where I'm in a horrific situation where it happens either when I'm in a funeral. You know what I mean? Or it happens when – No, I don't know.
Yeah, yeah. You laugh at a funeral? Or if I see somebody like really get injured, I'll laugh maniacally because it's so horrifying.
And you say I'm fucked up? That's so fucked up. It's called a defense mechanism, Chach.
That's not defensiveness. That's fucking chaos in your brain Whatevs brah There's wires crossed Whatevs brah So I go I get out Like a psychopath And then I go I should get him off the road So I body.
Shut the fuck up. You touched a guy who you just hit with your car? What the fuck am I going to do? Leave him there? You don't touch them? No, you're not supposed to touch those people.
It was traffic-y. Stop, stop.
No, I pulled him on the side of the road. Okay, you grabbed him by the legs? No, his shoulder.
By his shirt, I was just dragging him. Jesus.
And then I took parts of his motorcycle, you know what I mean? Like screws or like a wheel and whatnot. And I was like putting it on the side of the road.
And then the cops come. And then the ambulance and everything, they take him away.
I remember calling my parents. Was he coherent? Did you talk to him? He was going...
So yeah, so totally normal. Yeah.
Yeah. So you try to talk to him at all or no? Like, I'm sorry, buddy.
While laughing. I was like, I'm sorry, buddy.
Like that. And then what happened? And then I remember for years I went to court.
But it turned out he was a pedophile. Oh, so you did a good deed.
You paralyzed a pedophile. Yep.
You PP'd. Yeah, so if his dick broke, that's God's work.
What if his dick was the only thing that still did work? And he would still go to like elementary school? It's like, get over here, young boy. Come sit on my lap.
And his dick is the only thing that works. I forget how I found out he was a pedophile, but I think my attorney told me that he had a long rap sheet of like being like.
I love that conversation with your attorney. Yeah.
Well, Bobby, he's paralyzed forever, but he was a pedophile, to be honest. Yeah.
Well, that would, because that, I think that made me go, because I felt such, you know me, I'm just a guilty person. Yes.
And I'm so sensitive. Yep.
That it was like traumatic. Yeah, that is traumatic.
Yeah. But he's a pedophile, so I guess it's like no one cares.
It completely relieved everything. I don't even think about it.
And I think the insurance gave him like a million dollars or something like that. What? Yeah.
But not from – you didn't have to pay anything. The insurance did.
But then I couldn't get insurance for a year. It was tough to get insurance.
But that wasn't your fault, right? He hit you? It wasn't. But I just feel like – because there was a stop sign.
Oh, and they pulled the stop sign. I think the argument was that I pulled the stop sign before they got there.

But look at me.

Yeah, look at you.

How the fuck am I going to pull a fucking stop sign out of the fucking ground?

And it was on the ground flat.

Somebody had done that.

Someone hit it and left it there.

Yeah.

Well, I hit a guy.

In South Africa, right?

You fuck?

No, I really did hit a guy.

I hit a guy on Beverly and Crescent Heights.

And I mean, I hit him hard. I was driving to go, I was driving to go talk to these people from a show.
I was going to get fired from, I was about to get fired. I knew.
What show was it? It was a, it was a hosting job I did, but I knew I was going to get fired. I knew it was over.
Right. So they were going to take me to dinner and have drinks.
And I, and as I was leaving the apartment, I was like, I don't want to fucking go to this. I know they're just going to fire me.
I just knew it. I was like the apartment i was like i don't want to fucking go to this i know they're just gonna fire me i just knew it i was like just call me i don't want to go to drinks with you guys i'm fucking done leave me alone yeah right i don't want to do it yeah so i'm driving and this is like one of those times in la where it's pouring down rain never happens this was i don't know seven eight years ago nine years ago pouring down rain and the street at Crescent Heights and Beverly flooded.
Okay? So I get there.

There's no one around. I start to go through the light to make a left, a car opposite direction, heading north.
Splash, splash on my window. I can't see anything.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I swerve.
Guess what I swerve into? A human. A human man.
Oh shatters glass in my face I pull over I get out there's a man his leg looks like it's touching his fucking neck whoa he puts his body up pulls himself up and up. And I'm like, what the fuck? What the fuck? What happened? Three of his friends come running.
He ran, he ran illegally across the street. They stayed.
So I hit him, his fault. Okay.
Yeah. Shatter my windshield, smash my hood.
I pull over. A woman pulls over some fucking bitch in a, in a, in a minivan pulls over and is like, I saw it.
I you're fucked up i bet you're drunk you hit this guy how did you not see him and i was like shut the fuck up lady i was losing my mind i'm trying to stay balanced i said let me call the cops and the guy goes don't call the cops i was like let me call the cops i'm gonna call an ambulance to make sure you're okay he goes don't call the fucking cops get the fuck out of here don't call the cops and i was like why and he's like just get the fuck out of here and leave me alone. So I called the cops anyway because I'm like, this is shady.
He could leave and then two years later be like, my neck, I'm fucking going to sue you for millions of dollars. Yeah.
I call the cops and in traditional LAPD fashion, they don't show up for – I'm there for a half an hour in the rain. Half an hour in the rain.
Yeah. This guy's there for probably 15 minutes, that half hour, and then finally goes, fuck this, and gets up and like hobbles away with his friend and I'm like dude stay you can't leave let me give you my information and the guy's like fuck you get away from me they all had backpacks on I imagine they either had pedophile can I do it they're pedophiles well can I do it my bad can I do it okay cause you just did it I imagine they were either drugs in their backpack, had a warrant for their arrest, or they just come from a place where they fucked kids.
Pedophile. Because they stole the backpacks from kids.
Yeah, dude, you wouldn't let me finish the joke. You just cut me off at the fucking turn.
I wanted to laugh. Well, you stole it.
You stole the laugh. That's life.
I told you I got arrested in front of the comedy store. No.
Yeah, I got pulled over. Do you remember when that guy got shot at the comedy store A man got shot in the chest and died Remember that Do you not remember that There was a gang member that got shot and killed at the comedy store No You don't remember this I do No yeah he got shot and killed at point playing range And it was terrible And you know no one gave a fuck you know why Why He was a pedophile Are you being real No tell your story You know who.
You know who held him? Who? Josh Nassar. Really? Yeah.
He held that man's dead body in his arms trying to like console him. Is he a pedophile? Yes.
No. He is.
No. Josh Nassar is a great guy.
But you know, all those doormen at the comedy store had to get like trauma therapy. Why? When you see a guy die in front of you, you need therapy.
A guy died on one of my flights. I saw a guy die on my flight.
And I literally said out loud, if this makes me fucking late to my gig, I'm going to be so mad. Really? Yeah.
Yeah. I saw a jogger.
Yeah, I saw a jogger dead in La Jolla. Oh, no, dude.
A dude died next to me in an AA meeting. No.
Yeah. I was jogger dead in La Jolla.
Oh no, dude, here's another... A dude died next to me in an AA meeting.

No.

Yeah, I was at a Wednesday night AA meeting, right,

in La Jolla.

It was called Winner's Circle.

Winner's Circle?

Yeah, Winner's Circle.

I don't know if it's still there,

but this is in the 80s.

Because I was in high school.

I was in AA in high school.

You started AA.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been AA so long school.
You started AA. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've been AA so long.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I remember he sat next to me.

Yeah.

And then the AA meeting started,

and some guys up there going,

yeah, so, you know,

my last drunk was on a cliff.

I almost jumped off and this and that.

And I turned to my left,

and this dude just like that.

Wait, did he die during the meeting? Yeah, yeah. Maybe the share was bad.
Heart attack? Yeah. Heart attack? Yeah, it was a heart attack.
But then here's the fucked up part. It was in La Jolla so we had a couple of doctors in there.
Right? So they take the guy out but then they're like, keep the meeting going. Yeah, you gotta stay.
Now you really gotta stay sober. Yeah, right.
Because you because they see a dead guy i'm gonna want to but what was fucked up is i'm sharing oh right but all i hear is them doing cpr right so my rock bottom it was yeah it was fucking it was fucking up my share so you got a bad share because of the cp yeah i was like i'm bobby alcoholic three two right one right and three two one but my mom three two i was like what the fuck i can't get it out so it ruined your moment it ruined that meeting but i remember him dying it was really did you ever try to be funny at aa meetings oh dude i used to go like this they used to go um when when I was in rehab, they would take you to meetings.

And you know,

they go,

is there any newcomers?

Right?

So you go,

you know,

I'm Bobby,

I'm an alcoholic.

And people,

hi Bobby, right?

I used to go,

I'm,

and I used to go,

you know what I mean?

Alcoholic, right?

And me and my friend,

you're not with me.

You're not supposed to say their names.

Yeah, he's dead.

But,

pedophile.

Nice.

He, we, him and I would giggle Laughing Yeah And he would do the same thing He would like share I'm John And just fart And we would just laugh And out of the um 22 kids Right That went to that rehab Him and I were the only one To stay sober Wow I saw him Four years ago Was ago. I was at Wise Guys.
Salt Lake. Salt Lake, and he was in the front row.
He was? Yeah. He was my boy.
How'd he die? He's not dead. I lied.
But is he a pedophile? No. Whoa.
He's a good dude. That's a lot of information to put out about a guy that he did his full legal name.
What if he gets fired now? He's not. He's a good dude.
He's sober. What is he worth? I don't know.
I didn't know. Fuck, man fuck man let's find out i don't know where john basonik is don't stop saying his whole name he no this is a good guy he's my friend from rehab okay okay you don't know you don't know what if he's up to some bad shit now i think about that all the time what if someone from your past that used to love it gets into some shit now that you're like fuck i can I can't believe.
Somebody from my, there was a kid from my high school who got arrested for jerking off outside of like a Papa John staring at high school teenage girls.

Can I tell you something?

What?

He looked a lot like you.

I swear to God in my life.

I swear to God in my life.

Can I show you?

This is insane.

Yeah, dude. He charged with sexual exploitation of a child of a police station.
I was on an ice cream parlor window. Sorry.
Not a Papa John. George, remember I told you what I wanted my look to be? Bobby Lee.
This is the look I'm going for. I was going to get beard implants.
That's you. That's who I wanted to be, yeah.
There's a kid I went to high school with. That's a good look, though.
There's a kid I went to high school with. It's a good look.
Let's be honest. That's a shady good look.
He looks dope. Yeah, he looks dope.
This kid was a party animal, man. We used to get high and watch Belly at his house.
Remember the movie Belly?

Yeah.

Yeah, he got charged masturbating outside of an ice cream parlor window.

Can I tell you another fucked up story?

Because it reminds me of that one.

Of course.

I used to work at a restaurant called the Brockton Villa.

It's in La Jolla.

Wait a minute.

It's still there.

Yeah.

I know that restaurant.

Yeah, I used to wait tables there.

You did?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I used to wear a tie. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And put my hair in a hair in a ponytail and do the wine and the whole thing what's so fucking funny? I know I was pro dude I've had all kinds of jobs bro pitch me right now I'm at the Brockton Villa right now here we welcome to the Brockton Villa. Would you like to hear about our specials? Yeah, sure.
Yeah, sure. We have a salmon filet that's lightly crusted with a little crumbs.
I don't know the fucking thing, but like lightly crusted. We have a tomato basil soup that's freshly made in-house.
And we also have a banana pudding cake that we made.

Great.

Yeah.

So is there any way I can speak to a manager?

I'm a little dissatisfied with the service off the bat.

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I'm sorry, I didn't memorize that. No, yeah, you should have memorized the special.

So anyway, I was working there.

Fucker.

I was working there.

And there was this waitress who just – she was missing.

She disappeared.

Yeah, like – and one shift, they're like – I forgot her name.

Cindy.

I don't know if her name.

Who knows?

She disappeared.

Well, she came back, but I'll tell you what happened.

Oh.

So she came back.

Yeah. So for weeks, she disappeared.
And then, you know where they found her? They found her on Catalina Island in a hotel room tied to a bed. What? And she had been repeatedly raped.
Oh, my God. This is a terrible fucking story.
I know, but here's the good part. Oh, there's the good part? Yeah.
She turned into an angel. And she flew away into the sky.
They found her. She went back to work two days later.
And I remember waiting tables with her. Her eye was still bloodshot.
One of her pupils were like completely red. Did you talk to her? Yeah, I go, Cindy, you alright? I'm fine.
Are you alright? I don't know what to say. Nothing.
You say nothing. No, you have to say something.
Here's me. You're Cindy.
You're back. Ready? Yeah.
Say hi to me. Hi.
Hey. That's weirder.
No, hold on. Yeah.
What are you doing back here? Well, I was just, I got repeatedly raped on a Catalina Island. No, I know.
Yeah. Why don't you need to take some time for yourself? I need money.
Oh, you do? Yeah. Oh, well, do you want to take 46 and 47? Because they don't dip, but they've been here before.
Yeah, yeah. That's terrible.
Yeah. She worked again.
The woman disappeared. She came back.
She came back. She came back, yeah.
That's That's awful dude I didn't do it Well That's so sad I would never be able to do anything like that Sexually abuse or assault somebody? I would not even conceive of it I fucking hope not You're talking about it like it's sky that you might it's like you're talking about it like it's skydiving you're like no i don't think i could do that i don't know if that's for me that's insane i know but i couldn't no shit yeah most humans don't because it's like the motive like first of all what would motivate me to do it you have to ask that would you ever join a gang oh yeah you would you would have gang? Yeah, but as soon as there's initiations, I wouldn't be able to do it. Because they beat you up? No, even if you know how some gangs are like, you know, you gotta kill two humans.
You know what I mean? To join the gang. You gotta get jumped in first.
First of all, they beat the shit out of you. The jumping, because I don't have, like, the right nerve endings.
Because when Ari Shafir beat the shit out of me, I didn't really feel anything. Oh, so you could take a jump in.
Yeah, I can take that. Do the Yakuza jump people in? No, they chop a finger off.
That's tight. Which one do they do? This one.
Your ring finger. I think so.
Yeah. Because you're married to the game.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's fucking dope. I couldn't do that.
Could you? I could take a finger more than I would take a beating. What? Because I've been in enough fist fights, and fights hurt a lot, and one-on-one sucks.

If you're getting beat by like five, six dudes, yeah, they could beat you to death, or your brain could go gone.

Yeah, but not if you do this.

I do this when I'm being beat up.

They could still get you, dude.

They kick you in the head enough times you die.

Yeah.

Cut off my finger.

Fine.

Yeah.

But as long as they got the proper stuff to wrap it. What if there was game that like cut off your nut sack would you do that no way one nut no half a nut yeah half a nut seems okay half a nut's fine yeah yeah but you but just get rid of one then because half a nut probably doesn't work it probably probably doesn't look good.
Well, you can't tell it's in a sack.

And then you'd have to explain it.

You know how those refrigerators? It's half a nut.

You know how those refrigerators that you can look inside and see what's inside the fridge?

You ever seen this?

There's like translucent?

Yeah.

That'd be cool if you could look inside your sack and see which – because I would love to see what's going on inside of my sack.

Oh, yeah.

It would be a lazy party.

Yeah.

My dudes would be just like floating there like this. Here's my guys my guys like this as soon as you open it up here's my guys hey what what are you yeah what are you doing here yeah what are you doing in here yeah yeah what what are you doing yeah yeah one time in college yeah um i had um i got this thing i had this thing that's like pain in nut, and the doctor told me to go jerk off in a hot tub.
I swear to God on my life, he told me masturbate in a hot tub. So I did.
It didn't go away. Really? No, it didn't go away, and I went back, and I said, I did what you said, and it didn't go away, and he goes, huh.
That's it. huh that's it a doctor yeah he goes huh my mom and dad had a bathtub a jetted tub no it was just a regular but the faucet of the bathtub was so strong you'd put it against your clit so it'd sit there like this right when my dad was at parents were at work and like this and it would go down and I would go and I would just jerk off with the water flowing on it wait wait ow ow i'm like going on the head of your penis yeah yeah yeah what yeah yeah but i would jerk off too it felt so good so hard water yeah and i would jerk off too like this right yeah and i'll go like this like this and the one time and this is not a lie i swear to to God.
I go, ah. And I was making this noise.
And then all of a sudden I hear, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. And I turn around.
It's my dad. And he never brought it up.
We never really, he never discussed it. Did you not? No.
Why? I went, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. And I saw my dad and we locked eyes like this.
And he walked out of the room and there was just like great shame yeah you know that's how when I jerk off when I was young when I first started jerking off I did what I call the rock star slide I would jerk off like this always spread light because you know how with a guitar so this is literally because my desk was about this height at home so if i was looking at porn i would jerk off like this into something on the ground yeah i would always rock star slide and one time after i was rock star sliding i had been jerking off twice or three times or four times that that day because i was young and i was wearing basketball shorts and i sat down on the couch and my knees were discolored because i was in that knee position. And my dad was like, what the fuck you been doing? Really? Yeah.
He saw my knees. He's like, what's wrong? What happened? Was that from basketball? I was like, yeah.
I took a spill in basketball. I bruised my knees because I jerked off so much.
I rock star slided because it was my favorite way to come. Were you like like, at that age, were you, because I was such a depressed kid.

Were you depressed?

Were you always happy-go-lucky?

No.

I only, I went through depression.

I went through depression a few times.

When I first went to high school, I was very depressed because I had no friends.

I went to a different school than all my friends went to.

I had no friends.

I was a fucking total loser.

My mom knew things were bad because I was doing really good in school. She that she goes you were killing it i knew something was wrong i was getting straight a's she was like something's wrong because my whole life i never got straight a's i fucked around oh you put your attention on school yeah i focused on school because i didn't have any friends and then i slowly made friends and my grades went way down drugs buds so that was that was my big problem drugs and friends they plummeted my grades and i was i wasn't depressed but i was oppressed at the beginning for a long time and i didn't think about killing myself but i used to cry a lot in my room to um pearl jams vitology album oh really i did if i got no fight with my parents i put on the song better man and i.
Yeah. When I lived in Minnesota and then we moved to San Diego, I remember this distinctly.
The first day of school, we played softball and I was running to a base. And this Filipino just kicked me in the nutsack.
For no reason? For no reason. And it hurt so bad.
I thought I was going to die. And I was crying and no one one helped me, right? Yeah.
That's the epitome of my life. Did you throw up? I didn't throw up, but I just remember going, even at that age, I always had thoughts of just vanishing or dying.
Of going away? Yeah, of going away, yeah. Your brother says the same things, you know that.
I know my brother does too, yeah. That's so sad to me.
Yeah, because you have to understand because of the trauma at home.

I understand.

I know it's just,

it's still sad that you want to.

I know, but I'm just telling you, fucker.

Yeah, we all know.

But the trauma at home,

I'm not going to get into it,

but the trauma at home

and then when some Filipino guy

that you don't even know

kicks you in the nutsack.

Yeah.

Right?

You can't even have that pleasure

of stealing a bass or whatever.

Well, don't steal, don't steal.

You just learned the don't steal a troll jam, don't steal. Oh.
That's what it was. That was, that was, that was, that was karmatic retribution.
I got, I got, I took a baseball to the nuts when I was in little league and I threw up for like no shit, like two minutes straight. I remember having like a big breakfast and I swear to God, my dad had yelled at me over and over, wear a cup, wear a cup, wear a cup, and I didn't wear a cup.

And I was playing the Hot Pocket shortstop,

caught one right in the nards,

and it was almost instantaneously.

It was like ball hit, nut,

I couldn't stop throwing up.

Imagine how funny it would be

if you died, right?

And you were in heaven,

and you're like,

hey, could I see the Andrew Santino clips?

Right?

And God's like,

you mean even the most embarrassing moments?

That would be amazing.

Ever since a kid?

I think it's a good thing. right? And you're in heaven and you're like, hey, could I see the Andrew Santino clips? And God's like, you mean even the most embarrassing moments? That would be amazing.
Imagine being in theater, watching your friends' embarrassing moment clips as a kid all the way up to their adulthood. That's what heaven really is.
You would laugh to the point where you would die again. I would love to be able to see that right before I die.
On my deathbed, if they could show you your best of the best of yeah oh my god one of my most one of my most embarrassing another embarrassing moment i was masturbating in my parents in my mom's room because they had the vcr in their room and i had a vcr in yeah and i i thought my mom was gone my dad might have been in the basement but i thought my mom was not home and i thought it was my little sister and And I was jerking off. And my sister, I mean my mom came in the room, but I couldn't see her.
I was on the other side of the room. And I was jerking off.
And I just go, Katie, get out. Get out.
And my mom goes, it's me, bud. Really? And dude, I'm not kidding.
Yeah. I started sweating, getting hot.

I was having like a panic attack for the first time in my life.

Yeah.

And my dick got so soft that it got so small and hard again.

Do you know when it gets hard? If you've ever been so scared and your dick gets small and hard?

Yeah.

No, it gets like swollen and tight.

You know that?

It gets so tight and swollen and scared.

That never happened to me, but that's probably you.

Oh my God, it got so scared.

Well, let's not talk about my fucking dick with your dick, okay? But it got tiny and scared. Why would you attack me? You just said it's never happened to me, but we're trying to be relatable here to each other.
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm not stepping on you.
All right. You jerked off in a fucking tub.
I didn't mock how insane that was that you let 90 miles an hour rushing water penetrate the head of your penis. Psycho.
What do you guys think was really funny anyway now we have to fast forward almost a year to may 2021 our think of the mayo special what happened that day well again andrew had his vaccine shot the day before he wasn't that well. Bobby felt the energy was a little off.
I think they're super funny like they always are, but they didn't feel it. So we shelved this episode again and re-recorded a couple days later on the same set.
And if you go to our website, you'll see that the Cinco de Amigos was aired. And you'll see that it's exactly the same set.
But we've never seen or you've never seen this episode. So here is the Cinco de Mayo special.
Bro, you can't do that anymore. You can't do it.
You can't do it. Mr.
Speedy. When I used to go to Tijuana, you would walk down the street like in Tijuana back in the late 80s, early 90s.
Yeah. And you'd have like, just kids come up to you and go, selling checklists.
Mr. Please, Mr.
Yeah. And you're like, get the fuck off, man.

Get out of here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you buy, you buy chicklets, please?

I was telling her, I was telling her earlier, I used to, I used to sell corn.

Sell corn?

Do you know that?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you told me that.

Yeah, I used to sell corn.

By the way, it's watching you sell corn.

Oh, what a great bit to watch you sell corn.

I wish I was around for that.

Yeah, so I had to wake up five in the to watch you sell corn. I wish I was around for that.
Yeah.

So I had to wake up five in the morning and pick up corn from Donald Yasiwachi's farm and go to the side of the freeway.

And I had this corn stand and I told the Mexican guys to make me a sign, a big corn sign because

no one was coming.

Right.

So I was like on the side of the road and the sign said cron fresh cron c-r-o-n fresh fresh corn so the signs at cron right and then um so a couple days later like not a single person came to my corn stand your cron stand my cron stand so i told my dad my dad goes you know why like why because you have to yell the corn you have to what yell the corn oh you have to yell i'm on the side of the freeway yeah so now the next day right yeah i've got corn in my hand right and i'm going right screaming it right and i had to do it because i had this fear that my dad would be across the street watching you watching me louder yeah yeah and um it was a night did you sell did you make any money doing that for real you did it for like how long you said a whole summer yeah he he i had to work 12 hours oh my god and he gave me 100 bucks for 12 hours yeah Yeah. And this little one.
I can't even see Rudy. This ungrateful little girl, right? I'm rude.
She goes, Tito Bobby today on the car. What were you doing at 19? So I was telling her I was selling corn.
I work constructions. Right.
And I go, if I was on, you know what I mean, a radio show like this or a podcast, it would have been a life changer. have been a dream but this means nothing to her it means zero zero less than zero nothing how excited are you to come see us oh my god yeah i know breath i know the breath not really not really at all obviously not at all a little no it's nothing that's nothing it's bullshit honestly that really breaks my heart.
Yeah, and I said to her, I said, come on, Jewel, it's nothing. That's bullshit.
Nothing. It's bullshit.

Honestly, that really breaks my heart. Yeah, and I said to her, I said, come on, Jewel, let's go.

And she does this face.

Like she has to go to jury duty.

That's right.

She goes like this.

She goes.

Did you do that?

No.

Pull the mic closer to your face.

We even got you a new mic.

We don't even know how to do this yet after fucking 200.

67 weeks.

I don't even know what this is now.

Yeah.

It's over a year. Yeah.
What have you taken away from this show that you really do enjoy? Reading the scripts. Oh, you love reading scripts.
Okay, well, maybe we should read a script today. Do we have a Mexican script? By the way, happy Cinco de Mayo to our...
I know you're into history. Big time.
And I always call you when I have historical questions and things that I don't know much about, right? I don't know anything about the Cinco de Mayo. I know it's the 5th of May.
5th of May. Used to be the 6th of May.
Why? Siete de Mayo. It used to be siete? Siete de Mayo.
Was there ever a Uno de Mayo? Okay, check this out. Do you know why it falls on the fifth? Why? Because of how many soldiers have fought in the Spanish-Mexican-American War.
There was a three war. People only know Spanish-American.
There was a Spanish-Mexican-American War, right? I'm dead serious. I love it.
And there were five soldiers, right? That's all Mexico had. Okay, we have us five.
Oh, that's what it was. Right.
Well, they had six. It was going to be siete de mayo.
Ah. But the sixth one got what? Chlamydia? He bailed.
Six means seis. Huh? Seis is six.
I think I know Spanish. I think I know Spanish.
It's also you're Spanish and they're Mexican. So it's got to be different.
Totally different languages. Yeah.
It's got to be different. This is what's so annoying about you is you get real uppity about.
I hate them. You speak Spain Spanish.
This is Mexican Spanish. Totally different.
Anyway, so the Siete de Mayo was going to be the day. And the Spanish-American-Mexican war.
What ended up happening is the Mexicans brought food on the first day of the war. You know, before we fight, you know, for eat.
They brought these delicious tacos and sopapitas and cochulos and crogantes and chicharrones and porcatosellos. Do you know what porcatosellos is? It's like, you know, pork belly.
I just said I knew what it was. You know what it is.
It's porcatosell it is it's pork belly it's well it's just like pork belly

and then there was uh and portianos and portanos are like wrapped potato

yeah i know what they are you know what they're wrapped potatoes

red potato skins exactly right so anyway um they brought this to the war

the americans realized these guys are great allies they're good with their

hands they're good building and the spaniards came dressed real fancy real fancy

they're like

we don't want

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the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the They brought this to the war. The Americans realized these guys are great allies.
They're good with their hands. They're good building.

And the Spaniards came dressed real fancy, real fancy.

They're like, we don't want to get dirt on their shirts.

They didn't want to get dirt on their shirts.

Yeah.

And the Americans immediately sided with the Mexicans.

We beat them.

That's the celebration of Secret Amaya.

That's amazing.

And thank you so much.

And I regret asking.

Yeah.

I regret asking.

Okay.

Also, I just remember this.

In third grade, so when I lived in Minnesota. Yeah.
I regret asking. Okay.
Also, I just remember this. In third grade, so when I lived in Minnesota.

Yeah.

Okay.

Land of lakes.

The land of lakes.

I lived in Edina, Minnesota.

And I used to have these birthday parties.

Yeah.

And all the white kids.

I had only white friends.

Right.

Yeah, because I'm elite.

I'm an elitist.

You are.

And they've always brought me in.

You still kind of only have white friends.

No, I have some. No, that's not true.
That's crazy. The majority of your friends are white.
Let me think. Well, yeah.
Yeah. I was thinking, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I thought of not a single black person. They're white.
No. So anyway, my dad, I think it was third grade, second grade, or whatever, they got me a piñata.
Oh. Right? Yeah.
And at my birthday birthday party and they blindfolded us you know regular kids got regular blindfold i got dental floss it's an old joke old joke yeah no i had the regular uh the regular um blindfold right and it took us about 45 minutes yeah to bust it open what was inside nothing they forgot to. Yes.
Your dad just went to. They don't know.
They didn't know. My parents didn't know what it was.
You know what? They just thought beat it up. Yeah.
That's the whole purpose of it. Yeah.
It's just to beat up a donkey. Hit the donkey.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I get, they're not wrong.
I think it's so lame that they don't come pre-stuffed. Put stuff in there.
Why do I have to put stuff in there? I bought it. They have to put it.
Yeah, you have to put it in. They forgot.
And if you're going to put stuff in there, put money. Money.
Cocaine. Cocaine.
Right? Some weed, maybe. A little weed.
Imagine as a kid. Money, weed, and cocaine.
Yeah. I would just be like, you do love me.
Or whatever. You care.
Have you ever hit a piñata, Rude? Yeah, but in the Philippines We use a pot Oh my god That's so funny That's so sad Wait, you use a pot from your kitchen? Yeah Wait, wait, wait So you Let me just ask you So you take You dangle a pot Right? No, no They have a piñata But they hit it with a pot No No We use a pot The piñata is the pot It's a pot, right? No, no. They have a piñata, but they hit it with a pot.
No. We use a pot.
The piñata is the pot. Right.
So you're dangling a pot, right? So it's like a big pot filled with what? Coins and chocolate. And they hang it from a tree.
Yeah, yeah. And what do you hit it with? Just a stick? A stick.
That is can you do that's so good filipino pinata man i like you guys yeah i really do that's so funny here i'm thinking they hit it with a pot no that's funny to me that's what no no no the actual pot is the donkey it's it makes sense though because you can fill the pot obviously with either water right or candy right and there. And there it is.
There it is. Yeah.
What is it called? Oh, my God. That is so fucking funny.
It says- Oh, it's a ceramic pot. So it's not metal.
It's ceramic. So you can break it.
So shards of it smack you in the face? No. It's like an IED when you hit it.
Yeah. So that's you.
There you are in the background right there. Yeah.
That's hilarious. So you hit the ceramic pot.
It it shatters and everything comes out but doesn't that stuff either shatter and hit kids because ceramic is sharp when it breaks yeah but I've never seen you have the eye yeah but I that's why they put it on the eyes so they don't that blindfold that's actually smart how about this are they all wearing shoes I don't think so oh my god shards of ceramic just on the floor that's what I love the recklessness of other countries they don't care there it is again bro I'm telling you right now Andrew wow did I ever tell you about our talent show no what talent show alright so Kalilah the last time we were in the Philippines we were in Cebu right yeah and Kalilah just goes one day she goes let's do a talent show I go like amongst ourselves No that's the island The whole island? Yeah So I go well how does that work We're leaving we're going to another island three days I mean we had plans Oh no no let's call a friend up So I go And I go well where are we going to do it At some gymnasium Some outdoor gymnasium right And I go who's hosting it I know this where are we going to do it? We're at, what, at some gymnasium? Yeah. At some outdoor gymnasium, right? And I go, who's hosting it? I know this gay guy that, you know what I mean, whatever, right? So the whole family go out there.
Right. And it literally was like American Idol.
It was huge. Like, the whole town came.
Oh, wow. All right? You were there.
Yeah. Yeah, the whole town came, right? And I was, like, stressing out now i was like stressing out now yeah like i'm judging it right oh they want you to be a judge it's my talent show it's my talent show i thought it's a good thing that's taking place no no i'm doing it bobby lee i'm producing it this is bobby lee presents okay talent show okay right yeah right so then we um we show up there and i'm like, oh, we need categories, right? So we had dance category.

Ooh.

Right?

Any good dancers?

Oh, my God.

I mean, it was like American Idol level.

Like legit, they were like-

Bro, it was like they're wearing costumes.

Wearing costumes, flip, fire, pyrotechnic.

How does this happen?

Did you go-

See, look, so this is it. Oh, my God.
So this is- How did you go see look at look so that's this is it oh my god so

this is how did you set this up bobby i don't know it was one of those things where you kind of wished it and it happened it happened so wait can you blow that up that so this was the uh pinch and pull and let's see this so this is okay we can't hear it yeah also by the way but look just watch yeah so basically this is, okay. We can't hear it.

Yeah.

Also, by the way.

But look, just watch.

Yeah.

So basically, they're not even competing.

This is just us introducing the people.

And that guy on the left.

What?

Now this guy's.

Okay.

Oh, whoa.

Yeah.

They're trying to up each other.

Right.

Right. Wow.
Yeah. That's dope.
We had one's dope what was the winner who won I don't remember but we had this one guy come out with a bucket of gasoline like someone on fire I'm not kidding you dude he drank this gasoline what do you mean and swallowed it did that he looked like Ghost Rider? And swallowed it? Yeah. But then...
Did that? Right? He looked like Ghost Rider. His whole head was on...
Right? And I was like, ah! We were screaming, right? And then his buddy, right, tries to up him. Right? He goes, he's doing fire? Right? So he goes, I'm just gonna run like Spider-Man on the side of the wall.
Like run up the wall. Bro, this guy just starts booking it.
Right? Booking it. Starts climbing the wall.
There's no fucking, you know what I mean? Nothing to hold on to. Yeah, it's like free solo but like speed version.
Right. Right? He's finding the cracks.
He's up there. He's fucking 300 feet up there.
Climbing the wall. And yeah, he's on top of the wall.
This gigantic school wall. And he comes to it and he goes, he goes did i wait and i could i don't know if that's it but it was like how much how much money did they win i don't know like a hundred a hundred pesos so i don't know nothing but you guys just got a free talent show and these people worked super hard for it you don't understand it was it was a jill koi sold out right it was people everyone in the town yeah and so afterwards i'm like are you a celebrity now at this but do they know you they i don't know i don't know if they know who i am are people kind of like knowing who he was no nobody knows me that's there yeah which is awesome that's awesome and then i go um afterwards i was like and also i there were times where i thought you'd have to call 9-1-1 because i was laughing so hard i was on the floor yeah holding my sides tears right just you couldn't.
I breathed. Yeah.
I was laughing so hard. So I thought let's make this a show.
That should be a show. Bobby Lee presents the Philippine talent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was going to fly out you.
Oh my God. Maybe Annie Letterman and me, we judge.
So fun. Right? Joe Coy will host it.
Of course. Right.
And it would be a competition competition i honestly this is such a good idea i would love to see this americans judging i already pitched it to ag they want to do it it's so funny so yeah we should do yeah i want to do it but then the pandemic hit i know you know i mean our dreams were crushed but you you have to be a judge no yes or you have to host it maybe you oh my god she hosts yeah you host it okay so look into the camera and i want you to do an introduction to Welcome to be a judge. No.
Yes. Or you have to host it.
Maybe you host. Oh, my God.
She hosts. Yeah, you host it.
Okay, so look into the camera, and I want you to do an introduction to Welcome to Bobby Lee's Philippines Got Talent. Come on.
Say your name and some energy, though. Also, just listen, all right? Literally, don't half-ass it.
Literally feel the crowd. Yeah.
Feel what you're're gonna feel like when you're on day right

i don't have the feeling what do you mean i said go back try to try to get grab get the feeling okay close your eyes real fast ready yeah visualize 5 000 screaming people in sabu screaming at the top of their lungs what do they scream what's a word what's uh they just say

woo woo

okay

woo woo

close your eyes

like anywhere else

yeah

so

5,000

woo woo scream what's a word what's uh okay close your eyes like anywhere else so 5,000 and they're excited to see you and then camera maybe there's a uh an announcer backstage you do it do. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Rudy Joseph.
Hello, everyone. I'm Rudy Jules, and welcome to Bobby Lee's Got Talent Show.
Yes. Yes.
Great. Perfect.
Go ahead. Keep going.
Who are some of the contestants today? Or the categories.

The categories.

The categories for today are dancing, singing, and eating.

Eating.

Eating.

You're hired.

That's it.

You're hired.

100%.

You're doing it.

Do you want to do it?

No.

Why?

I'll tell you why it'll freak her out.

Why?

I think it'd be easier here than there.

Well, because it's on camera.

Because she's from there.

I'll tell you why it'll freak her out.

Why?

I think it'd be easier here than there.

Well, because it's on camera. Because she's from there.

Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean?

Her family's going to be there.

Her friends are going to be there.

And there's a lot of pressure.

See, look at her.

She's already having a panic.

But, I mean, you go to America.

You become a star.

And you go back.

Think of how popular you'll be in Cebu.

Nobody watches.

Listen, bro.

Hey.

Nobody listens to Bad Friends there. We have Cebu fans.
Two. Three.
Maybe. But fine.
Well, three is enough, and they spread the word like wildfire. Yeah, yeah.
You're a big dog in Cebu, man. Honestly, I would love if, I wish there was someone listening that could vouch that there are people in Cebu that listen.
I guarantee you there are. What about like expats and stuff like that? Let me 20.
I'm being real. Okay, 100 even is enough to spread it around.
Yeah. I bet you she's acquired some fans in Cebu.
Somebody's got to know you. But you know what's great though? In college, I think, when you go to college in America, I think, I think a guy will be like, you know, an AP, you know, bio or whatever and go, are you Rudy? Don't you think? Mm-hmm.
Don't you think? You think. Yeah, someone's going to go.
Someone's going to go. And they're going to be like- Some nerd's going to walk up with books and go, excuse me, are you Rudy? Don't you think? Don't you think? You think.
Yeah, someone's going to go.

Someone's going to go.

And they're going to be like...

Some nerd's going to walk up with books and go,

excuse me, are you Rudy Jules?

What are you going to say?

He says, what are you going to say?

Yeah, what are you going to say?

Hi, are you Rudy Jules?

I'm his buddy too.

That's my buddy.

Oh my God, I think that's Rudy Jules.

Yeah.

Are you Rudy Jules?

Yes, it's me. Oh my God.
Oh, wow God. I think that's Rudy Jules.
Yeah. Are you Rudy Jules? Yes, it's me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wow.

We're in the same class together.

Nice.

Nice.

Nice.

What's Andrew and Bobby like?

Yeah, what do they like?

They're both really weird.

Oh, cool.

Oh, cool, man.

So tell me, are you going to keep doing the show when you go to college because you're

here in college with us?

I think so.

Oh, cool.

Is it cool being a celebrity?

I'm not a celebrity.

We're nervous.

We're usually confident when we're not around people like you.

But right now, we don't even ever talk like this normally.

But right now, we're talking like this because we're so nervous.

Do you want to come party with us tonight? Yeah. No, thank you.
What? How about? What? It's Friday. It's Friday.
I'm really sleepy. Oh, yeah.
That's what she does on the show. Yeah.
She's sleepy on the show. Cool.
That's crazy. All right.
Maybe we'll see you around. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Bye. Wow.
That's wow. Yeah.
Wow. You know how to handle it.
No, no, that's being rude. No, no, no.
She doesn't know how, that's being rude. That's being fucking rude.
But that's how she would handle it. No, no, no, no.
You have to do this. Okay.
Dude, you have to be like, dude, I was just, okay, I want to tell you something. Okay.
I was just in Oklahoma. I was just, yeah, I forgot you were in Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plane.
I have to say something about – whenever I fly to a place like Oklahoma or Tulsa or whatever. Same place, yeah.
I get nervous because I think – because I don't really do gigs there ever. I've never done a gig there.
Yeah, yeah. So it's like I don't know much about it.
Right. So to me, it's like – Unabomber.
Yeah, that too. Unabomber.
Yeah, but I get nervous because I think maybe those – because I know also it's a big Trumpy place, I think. Uh-huh.
So I feel like there's – You feel like you're going to be – I'm going to feel I'm not a part of or feel scared, whatever. But I had the best time of my life.
It was awesome. Oh, my God.
It was amazing. Well, shooting was great, but then hanging out there was – No, hanging out was great because I would take those scooters.
I was in downtown Tulsa. Sure.
And I'd go to restaurants.

Right.

And I went to this one called Bull in the Alley.

I like the name.

They were really good food.

Steaks and stuff like that?

Oh, my God.

Amazing.

It was amazing.

So I sat there in Bull in the Alley.

And I'm just sitting there waiting for my food.

And I see this 50, 60-year-old lady.

She's masked. All right.
And I'm sitting here eating like this and she's right here and she's doing this just standing next to you staring at you she's like literally right here there's a shield but she's right and I'm like I have my bacon appetizer and some salad. I keep looking over.

And she's like, right?

I'm like, hi.

She goes, are you?

Are you Bobby Lee?

I go, yeah.

She goes, I love you.

I love you on Magnum P.I.

Whatever.

Yes.

Which is weird.

No, that's awesome.

Okay.

She's like, oh, great.

You watch the show?

Yeah, I think they just got picked up from those.

She goes, that's great.

That's great. And she just stood there stood there for 12 minutes I like this one yeah she's cool and then I go oh so what do you do I don't live here we're just visiting here me and my daughter get my daughter oh boy yeah get your daughter she comes back with now there's two right next to me right and it's just like i'm just you know when you're in a situation like that also it's like because of the pandemic and because i haven't been you know i haven't been to a restaurant i haven't been out with anybody right that you're like trying to yeah you know i mean you're trying to engage and not be a dick but it's hard because you're it's also weird in the masks and the separation right so what i what i figured out to do is like just kind of like get get to have a nice day as quickly as you can yeah right so it's basically like yeah so i'm shooting the show um right here and it's not out yet and um you know i really like to so anyway have a nice day nice day.
Have a good meal. That's a polite way to do it.
They didn't leave. They just walked you eat? They didn't leave.
They're like, no, no, no. We're just going to hang.
And then in back of me, and I heard there was another couple, an old couple, probably six years old. And this man was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
He got laughing like that. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I turn around. around i go what's up you guys i love you on podcast man right and i go oh cool and she it's no it's i think either tiger belly or bad friends sure no civil it wasn't what's that what sibling rivalry i don't even know what that is it's oliver hudson's and kate h, Kate Hudson's show.
Yeah. I go, oh, yeah.
And I thought, you know what I mean? It'd be a Bad Friends thing. He sounds like a Bad Friends fan.
He doesn't sound like a Kate Hudson. But you have to be, Jules, what I'm saying is that when you're in college.
You gotta be a sweetie pie. And people recognize you.
I will be nice. No, that was not, though, nice.
Try it again it again. Because it's both of you.
Alright, well then try it again when it's just Bobby. Bobby is the nerd and let's hear how you handle this situation.
Maybe we're playing it, you know what, we were playing it kind of unrealistic and way too over. Okay, play it real.
Play it real. So I'll play it real.
Excuse me. Yeah? Hi, um, my name is Frank and I'm, um, I live, I don't live, I don't even live here.
No, I'm sitting three rows back in back of you in class. Yeah.
Anyway, I'm – but I know who you are. Are you Jules? You're Jules from – they call you Rudy on Bad Friends, right? Yeah.
Yeah. I just want to let you know that I'm like one of – probably their biggest fan, you guys' biggest fan.
I mean, I just – when I saw you in class, I like called like all my homies from back home. And I said, you can't fucking believe who's in my class.
And I just want to let you know that like I'm not being creepy or a weirdo. I just want to – I just want – it's hard for me to say.
I want to say if you ever... It's really nice.
You can call me Jules, not Rudy. And yeah, maybe we can talk some other time, but I have to go.
Well, the class hasn't started yet and the professor's not in yet. I need to poo.
Oh, you need to poo? Yeah. I'll be here when you get back.
Okay. I have to poo at home.
You're going to leave class? I have to walk because I don't have a car. Before you go, though, can I just say, can we ever hang out, you think? Yeah.
Yeah. Can I give you a realistic version like that? Ready? I'll give you a real one.
Okay. Okay are you doing stop stop stop cut what cut wait i'm prepping that's how i prep cut for a second that's how i'm the director okay cut for a second that's how i prep bro yeah too much really yeah too much i just feel like i embodied a bad friends family But nobody Right Nobody

Wait wait

That's how I settle in

I know

This is what you're doing

Yeah that's how I settle in

Yeah as soon as that happens

Jules if you ever see anyone do that

Get the fuck out

No

Okay

Alright

So action

Hold on let me settle in

Yeah yeah yeah

No no no

Alright keep going

Hey Are you Rudy Jules? Yeah Man, I love my bad friends Are you in the movie There Will Be Blood? I just moved here From Kentucky You might think I look weird because I was in a severe car accident.

How old are you?

36.

Oh.

I have to go.

Yeah, yeah.

There we go.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Let him tell you his fucking story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can't.

Anyway, I'm a big fan.

This is my first time in college because when I was 17, I got into a bad car accident and i lost both of my parents and my brother my baby sister so i live alone and they left me 6.8 million dollars i have nothing to do and no one to spend away i'm a really nice person just people don't want to hang with me and i just figured maybe you and i could go out to eat some food maybe later. I already have a boyfriend.

Oh, I don't want to be a boyfriend.

I just want a friend.

I already have a lot of friends.

Wow.

Ouch.

But I could be another.

Look, I'll just pay for everything for you guys,

and I'll just sit in the background.

You won't even see me.

Is that okay?

Okay.

That's so fucked up.

That's so fucked up that you said okay to that.

Rudy, that's gross. Okay? Yeah, you pay for everything and sit in the background no no no no i'm sorry i'm sorry let me be no stop let me all right as an outside observer right you're on the you're in the wrong i'll tell you why you're gonna let this guy pay for everything yeah because you're saying that she's there with her friends.
No, she was alone. No, no, you said that.
No, I see you're alone. No, no, no.
That was it. You said I pay for you and your friends.
Yeah, I'm friends. That's what you said.
When they go out. No, no, no.
And I will be. So I imagine.
Right. You're at, let's say, Olive Garden.
Watching. Right.
There's a main long table with her and all her friends.

And there's a two-top with you there.

I think that's cool.

Okay, well, I guess

that's the best deal that I could get.

Okay, I have to go.

Well, can I have your phone number real fast?

We trade swap numbers.

Is that how y'all know where we're going to meet?

I don't have my phone right now.

Oh, man, do you have to leave right now?

Yeah, you can just DM me on Instagram. Oh, totally.
I will. Where are you headed to now? Somewhere.
You look like you have to poop. I have to go.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. As you walk away, he's following you.
That character, dude. So creepy.
Yeah, so creepy. Jittery.
Just a j jittery man honestly any kind of weird character voice that i take nowadays as i've heard from south park over the years they have the funniest fucking characters that they put on that show and the voices are just those two guys fucking around yeah i'm so jealous of what they get to do yeah i mean we kind of get to do that on this fucking show. Don't ever say that.
I love that show.

I think South Park

is one of the greatest shows

of all time.

We're doing our bit.

Our bit.

And we're doing our best.

I'm sorry.

And we have a great life.

You know what?

I'm really out of it right now.

Because of the COVID.

Oh my God, it's killing me.

Did you announce to everybody

that you had your first vaccination?

That I got the vaccination shot.

I'm so loopy today.

Yeah, you feel weird.

I just, I'm sweaty.

I'm hot. I can't really think straight.
straight. Well, this wraps up the episode for today.
Let me know if you enjoyed it because if you did, I might have a couple little extra things in the vault that I could put there for you. Anyway, I hope you guys join us for this 2022 that starts now and that I think is going to be amazing.

We're going to try to make the show even bigger and better if it's possible.

We're moving out to a new studio starting next month.

So hopefully you guys will be there for us.

Go to byfrenchmerge.com for that new merch that we put out.

Please subscribe.

Follow us on Instagram.

And thank you for being a bad friend.

Hey, everybody.

This is Bobby Lee,

your Slep King,

and Nosotras Papaya.

If you love Tiger Belly,

you're going to love my new podcast

with Andrew Santino.

It's called Bad Friends.

Please click on the subscription below. Link below.
Sure. Do it again.
Hey, everybody. This is your slept King, Bobby Lee.
I love you so much. No, so close to you.
If you love tiger belly, you're going to love my new podcast with Andrew Santino. It's called bad friends.
It comes out every Monday. Please link on the Hello.
Hey, Tiger Belly fans. That was my redheaded freak friend, Andrew Santino.
If you love Tiger Belly, you're going to love my new podcast with Andrew Santino. It's called Bad Friends.
And it comes out every Monday. Please link on the description below.

Click it.

Hi, Tiger Belly fans.

That was my very good friend, the redheaded king, Andrew Santino.

Hey, Tiger Belly fans, I love you so much.

And if you love Tiger Belly, you're going to love my new podcast with Andy.

And it's called Bad Friends.

It comes out every Monday.

Please click on the link on the description below.

That's great.