Unpicked Boogers From The Vault

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Speaker 2 Hey, guys, hey, guys. We have a bunch of footage and

Speaker 2 things that have happened on this. That we've never aired.
We've never aired before. Nobody's seen it.
And we're going to air them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because Fancy and George decided they want something to do over the holidays. So they're going to be commenting and talking about stuff that you've never seen that we've put in the vault.

Speaker 2 And we're unearthing it right now for you, bad friends. It's fun.
Fun. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 3 Hey, bad friends.

Speaker 3 Felipe Taño Dos Mil Ventidos. Hope you guys had an awesome, awesome holiday.

Speaker 3 I'm your host today, Fancy V, and we're going to do something we've never done before. I'm going to show you two episodes we've never air.

Speaker 3 Why, you might ask? Well, because

Speaker 3 Bobby or Andrew are both, while recording, didn't feel they were on. They weren't clicking as much.
They weren't as funny.

Speaker 3 I think that's complete bullshit.

Speaker 2 We're going to cut all that stuff. We're going to cut this up.
It's so bad this episode. It's so bad.
Let's start again. We're going to cut it up.
None of it.

Speaker 2 We're not rolling because all the stuff we just did was a waste.

Speaker 2 I just feel like not connected to it. I know.
Delete it off. No, delete it.
Delete it off the face of the earth. Face of the planet.
I'm so loopy. You're going to have to cut so much of this.

Speaker 2 He's not in a good mood. His energy is weird.
We're not clicking. We're not clicking.

Speaker 2 Come in here,

Speaker 2 Andreas, we'll talk about this episode. All this stuff has to really be deleted off the face of the earth.

Speaker 2 Alright, let's start over.

Speaker 3 The first episode you guys are going to see is the fourth episode we ever shot. It was my first time on the show.

Speaker 3 You'll see the set as it was, like completely bare. The set that you guys shit on a lot

Speaker 3 before any of this stuff was here.

Speaker 3 It was the, you know, the show. Well, George was the only producer.
We didn't have as many cameras. We didn't have as much stuff as we do right now.
And it comes at the right time because,

Speaker 3 as Andrew mentioned on the New Year's episode, we are moving. We're moving to a bigger set to accommodate for all of the stuff that is happening on Bad Friends.
Please let us know what you think.

Speaker 3 If you think this is funny, if you think it was worth for me going into the vault and unearthing this episode. So, without further ado, like you guys make fun of me,

Speaker 3 let's watch episode four of of my friends.

Speaker 2 It's a charity.

Speaker 2 We have him on as a charity. We know this.
It's like, hey, it's like, you know, I have my friend who has a mental disability. Right.

Speaker 2 You know, can he, if I worked at McDonald's, can he be the fry guy?

Speaker 2 Have you ever given somebody like that a job just because just out of charity? I just did with George, with the tiger belly, and then with this.

Speaker 2 Why do you think you continue to give George charity then? Because he has, I feel sorrow, pure sorrow. It's like when when I see Yemen kids starving,

Speaker 2 you know, the kids in Yemen starving. I look at George and I go, he's starving for pussy, he's starving for attention, he's starving for.
Is there anything that you think he's not starving for?

Speaker 2 Whiteness.

Speaker 2 What? You think he doesn't want to be white? No, I think he does. He is full of it.
Right. He's full of whiteness and entitlement.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he is. Yeah, yeah.
But that's the farm shit, though. Right.
His farm whites. Well, he's fixing the cameras right now.

Speaker 2 How does everything look?

Speaker 2 He doesn't have good eyesight, so you wouldn't even know.

Speaker 2 It's like a, you know, the fry guy. Hey, you put the fry on too much in the oil.
Why can't you talk? You're not going to talk him on the podcast about what we were just talking about? About what?

Speaker 2 Why do you think you why is it that you think you're not you haven't worked hard enough you're not famous enough you don't want to talk about the the person you don't want to talk about the person that i just that we just brought up no what i'm saying is is that you know for the amount of time that i've been doing comedy sometimes you're in situations where you're around a friend who is just doing more and doing better.

Speaker 2 How many years have you been doing comedy? For over 20 years.

Speaker 2 And so you think to yourself, where did I go wrong?

Speaker 2 But you know what? If I look at what I do have, I'm grateful. Yeah, but it doesn't sound like it.
Yeah, I want to put a shotgun in my mouth

Speaker 2 and pull the trigger. You know, and just all over it.
And it'll say fucking bad friends on the fucking wall. That would be tight art for the show.

Speaker 2 You know the fans hate the show. They hate the desk.
They hate the decor. They say it looks like a dentist's office.

Speaker 2 I fucking already told you that you fucking, you have no artistic

Speaker 2 gut.

Speaker 2 This wasn't art.

Speaker 2 This was me putting something together. In a shitty way.
To get it done as fast as possible. In the most terrible way possible.
To give it, to put the show out. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How much time did you spend on it? You never gave me the chance, Chachi. How much time did you spend on it?

Speaker 2 How much? Welcome back to to how much time did you spend on it? Our contest today is Bobby Lee. Bobby, how much time did you spend on it? Let me ask you this.
Ooh, that's wrong, friend. Nothing.

Speaker 2 Will you listen to me right now? I'm listening. All right.
You have different degrees of chefs, correct?

Speaker 2 You have the guy at McDonald's. That's not a chef.
That's a cook. Oh, whatever.
Well, don't disrespect real chefs. All right, then you have the chef at Chef Boyard.

Speaker 2 Not a chef. Chef Boyard is a real chef.
No, he's not. Look at his name.
Why would they put chef on the fucking thing? Because it sounds nice. They're not going to write lines on bookboards.
Dr.

Speaker 2 Schultz is not a doctor. Who? The Dr.
Schultz, the foot guy. Scholz?

Speaker 2 Dr. Scholz? Schultz.
Scholes. Whatever.
It's Schultz. I buy it.
It's very good. You do it.
I love you. You know what? And you make my relieve my feed every day.
Thank you. You buy Dr.

Speaker 2 Schultz because you like the extra lift. And it's not for the comfort.
That's because you're a tiny person. I want to play you a song.

Speaker 2 We can't play songs on this podcast, can we?

Speaker 2 Not without getting the model. Oh, fuck.
I know what song I did already. And you know what? It's going to piss me off.
You know, I want to cut this off right now.

Speaker 2 I know, but you're going to play the song. I'm not going to play the song.
But can I sing the lyrics? I didn't play it. Yeah, you did not play it last week before.
This is Randy Newman. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Short people got no reason.

Speaker 2 Short people got no reason to live. They got little hands,

Speaker 2 little eyes. Walk around telling great big lies.
They got little noses and tiny little teeth. They were platform shoes on their nasty little feet.

Speaker 2 Oh, bro. Bro, it's people who feel better.
You know, I... Do you feel better as a friend? Do you feel better? I absolutely not.
And also, I've been watching a show on Netflix called I Am a Killer.

Speaker 2 I watched it. You watched that show? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Every single one, I think, that's sentieno. No, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like,

Speaker 2 I don't know what happened. You fucking won the lottery by not, I don't know, circumstances or whatever.
You think I could have been a serial killer? You could have killed somebody accidentally, yes.

Speaker 2 Accidentally. How do you? On purpose.
On purpose. No, no, no, right.
I've killed someone accidentally. I've never done it on purpose.
I killed three guys in Mexico on accident.

Speaker 2 I crashed an ATV and I killed three guys.

Speaker 2 Like Matthew Broderick. Same.
Yeah. I killed three guys in Mexico on an ATV and.
Are you joking right now? Nope. And you feel good about that? I don't feel anything about it.
They're gone. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, Latinos, what they call them. Huh.
They're real people too.

Speaker 2 They weren't. First of all, they were white.
Oh, fuck. They were tourists.
It was a white tourist family. Were they from England or from where?

Speaker 2 They were South African. That's how I knew.
That's how I know you're lying. No, South Africa.
You would have said South African earlier.

Speaker 2 And then you said South Africa. Because I was thinking about telling you where they're really from.
South Africa. Because you're making it up.
South Africa. I was speeding at them in the ATB.

Speaker 2 And they go, stop right there. No, we're on the ATB as well.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I crashed into him.
I killed a family,

Speaker 2 a mother, a daughter, and a dad. You know, I ran over a guy.
Shut up. Right, George? I ran over a guy.

Speaker 2 If we're being genuine, I hit a guy with my car. I'm dead serious.
I didn't kill him, but I hit him with my. My guy, my guy.
He might be dead. It can never walk again.

Speaker 2 You you paralyzed him man well you killed three people that was a joke

Speaker 2 dude what did you do all right so um

Speaker 2 when I was 17 years old have you told this before has he told this before

Speaker 2 I barely remember so maybe a long time ago yeah a long time ago so I should not tell it no I want to know I've never heard this story Yeah, it's not that big of a deal. Yes, it is.

Speaker 2 You paralyzed a guy? It's not that big of a fucking deal? Yes, it is oh hey i paralyzed a guy not so big of a deal for who you

Speaker 2 you have legs you walked again yeah so a man is in a chair somewhere i wobble you do you roly poly roly poly um you're like those matrushka dolls those russian you have low bass i was driving down the street in my uh i had a toyota truck

Speaker 2 and um don't do that don't wink at the camera about a toyota truck it was nice though and uh

Speaker 2 i had a toyota truck i was going down the street Yeah. And somebody had lifted the stop sign out of the ground.

Speaker 2 So there was no stop sign.

Speaker 2 Really? Well, look at the police report. This is like a bad teenage fucking movie.
I was a teenager. It was like a movie, bad teenage movie.
I was 16, 17 years old. Okay.

Speaker 2 So I just turned the right, and the next thing I knew, I see a body fly over my car.

Speaker 2 You didn't feel the body? You didn't feel it? I turned around. I hear kugg.

Speaker 2 And I see, ah. ah.

Speaker 2 And there's a guy, ah, you like that. And you hit a man.
And then I ran him over.

Speaker 2 Because he hit the back of my car in his motorcycle. He went over my car.
He went over your car. Yeah.
And then went, pop, bum, pop, bump. And did you stay around to see if he was over?

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course. I'm not a fucking psychopath.

Speaker 2 Okay. I pulled over to the side.

Speaker 2 Is it your? Was it your fault?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 By the way, what an Asian ringtone. You picked the most Asian.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Hey,

Speaker 2 you pulled over. Cops came.
Amberlamps came. No, what happened? No, let me.
So we get out of the car

Speaker 2 and I'm laughing. You're laughing? Yeah, because whenever I'm in a stressful situation or I think, because I think my life is over.

Speaker 2 I don't know when I'm in a situation where I'm like, it's only happened a couple of times in my life where I'm in a horrific situation where it happens either when I'm in a funeral, you you know what I mean, or it happens when I don't know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. You laugh at a funeral, or if I see somebody like really get injured, I'll laugh maniacally.
That because it's so horrifying. And you say, I'm fucked up.
That's so fucked up.

Speaker 2 It's called a defense mechanism, Charge. That's not defensiveness.
That's fucking chaos in your brain. Whatevs, bro.
These are broken. There's a

Speaker 2 whatevs, brah. Okay, brah.

Speaker 2 So he, I go, pop, pop, pop, pop. Right.
I get out. I go, I still laugh.

Speaker 2 You know, like I'm like a psychopath. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 2 And then I go, I should get him off the road. So I pulled his body.
Shut the fuck up. You touched a guy who's you just hit with your car? What the fuck am I going to do? Leave him there?

Speaker 2 You don't touch them? No, you're not supposed to touch those.

Speaker 2 It was trafficky.

Speaker 2 Stop, stop. No, I pulled him on the side of the road.
Okay, you dragged him by the legs? No, his shoulder.

Speaker 2 By his shirt, and I was just dragging him. Jesus.
And then I took parts of his motorcycle, you know what I mean? Like screws or like a wheel and whatnot.

Speaker 2 And I was like putting it on the side of the road. And then the cops come

Speaker 2 and then the ambulance and everything, they take him away. I remember calling my parents.
Was he coherent? Did you talk to him? He was going,

Speaker 2 so yeah, so totally normal. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So you try to talk to him at all or no? He goes, sorry, buddy.

Speaker 2 While laughing.

Speaker 2 I was like, I'm sorry, buddy!

Speaker 2 Like that.

Speaker 2 And then what happened? And then, and then I remember for years I went to court,

Speaker 2 but it turned out he was a pedophile.

Speaker 2 Oh, so you did a good deed.

Speaker 2 You paralyzed a pedophile. Yep.
You pee-pee'd. Yeah, so if his dick broke, that's God's work.
What if his dick was the only thing that still did work?

Speaker 2 And he would still go to like near elementary schools, like,

Speaker 2 yeah. Get over here, young boy.
Come sit on my lap.

Speaker 2 And his dick is the only thing that works. I forget how I found out he was a pedophile, but I think my attorney told me that he had a long rap sheet of like being like.

Speaker 2 I love that conversation with your attorney. Yeah.
Well, Bobby, he's paralyzed forever, but he was a pedophile, to be honest.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, that was, because that, I think, that made me go, because I felt such, you know, me, I'm just a guilty person.
Yes. And I'm so sensitive.
Yep. That it was like traumatic.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that is traumatic. Yeah.
But he's a pedophile. So so I guess it's like no one cares.
It completely relieved everything.

Speaker 2 I don't even think about it. And I think the insurance gave him like a million dollars or something like that.
What?

Speaker 2 Yeah. But not from you.
You didn't have to pay anything. The insurance did, but then I couldn't get insurance for a year.
I was like, huh, to get insurance. But that wasn't your fault, right?

Speaker 2 He hit you. It wasn't, but I just feel like because there was a stop sign.

Speaker 2 Oh, and they pulled the stop sign. I think the argument was that I pulled the stop sign before they got there.
But look at me. Yeah, look at me.

Speaker 2 How the fuck am I going to pull a fucking stop scene out of the fucking ground? And it was on the ground flat, you know? Somebody had done that. Someone hit it and left it there.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I hit a guy. In South Africa, right, you fuck? No, I really did hit a guy.
I hit a guy on Beverly in Crescent Heights. And I mean, I hit him hard.

Speaker 2 I was driving to go talk to these people from a show I was going to get fired from. I was about to get fired.
I knew. What show was it?

Speaker 2 It was a hosting job I did, but I knew I was going to get fired. I knew it was over, right? So they were going to to take me to dinner and have drinks.

Speaker 2 And I, and as I was leaving the apartment, I was like, I don't want to fucking go to the, I know they're just going to fire me. I just knew it.
I was like, just call me.

Speaker 2 I don't want to go to drinks with you guys. I'm fucking done.
Leave me alone. Yeah.
Right. I don't want to do it.
Yeah. So I'm driving.
And this is like one of those times in LA

Speaker 2 where it's pouring down rain. Never happens.
This was, I don't know, eight years ago, nine years ago, pouring down rain. And the street at Crescent Heights and Beverly flooded.
Okay. So

Speaker 2 I get there. There's no one around.

Speaker 2 I start to go through the light to make a left. A car opposite direction heading north.
Splash, splash on my window.

Speaker 2 I can't see anything. Whoa!

Speaker 2 I swerve. Guess what? I swerve into a human.
A human man. Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 That's all I hear.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Window shatters. Glass in my face.
No. Glass in my face.
Oh, my God. I pull over.
I get out. There's a man.
His leg looks like it's touching his fucking neck. Whoa.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He he puts his body up like

Speaker 2 pulls himself up. And I'm like, what the fuck? What the fuck? What happened? Three of his friends come running.
He ran. He ran illegally across the street.
They stayed. So I hit him.
His fault. Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Shattered my windshield.
Smashed my hood.

Speaker 2 I pull over. A woman pulls over.
Some fucking bitch in a minivan pulls over and is like, I saw it. I saw it.
I bet you're fucked up. I bet you're drunk.
You hit this guy. How did you not see him?

Speaker 2 And I was was like, shut the fuck up, lady. I was losing my mind.
I'm trying to stay balanced. I said, let me call the cops.
And the guy goes, don't call the cops. I was like, let me call the cops.

Speaker 2 I'm going to call an eminence to make sure you're okay. He goes, don't call the fucking cops.
Get the fuck out of here. Don't call the cops.
And I was like, why?

Speaker 2 And he's like, just get the fuck out of here and leave me alone. So I call the cops anyway because I'm like, this is shady.
He could leave.

Speaker 2 And then two years later, be like, right, my neck, I'm fucking going to sue you for millions of dollars. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I call the cops and then in traditional LAPD fashion, they don't show up for, I'm there for a half an hour in the rain. Half an hour in the rain.

Speaker 2 This guy's there for probably 15 minutes at a half hour. And then finally he goes, fuck this, and gets up and like hobbles away with his friend.
And I'm like, dude, stay. You can't leave.

Speaker 2 Let me give you my information. And the guy's like, fuck you.
Get away from me. They all had backpacks on.
I imagine they either.

Speaker 2 Can I do it? They're pedophiles. Well, can I do it? My bad.
Can I do it? Okay. Because you just did it.

Speaker 2 I imagine they were either had drugs in their backpack, had a warrant for their arrest, or they just come from a place where they fuck kids.

Speaker 2 Pedophile. Because they stole the backpacks from kids.
Yeah, dude, you wouldn't let me finish the joke. You just cut me off at the fucking turn.
I wanted to laugh. Well, you stole it.

Speaker 2 You stole the laugh. That's life.

Speaker 2 I told you I got arrested in front of the comedy store. No.
Yeah, I got pulled over. You remember when that guy got shot at the comedy store? A man got shot in the chest and died.
Remember that?

Speaker 2 Do you not remember that? It was a gang member that got shot and killed at the comedy store. No.
You don't remember this? I do. No, yeah, he got shot and killed at point-blank range.

Speaker 2 I know it was terrible. And you know, no one gave a fuck.
You know why? Why? He was a pedophile. Are you being real? No.
Tell your story.

Speaker 2 You know who held him? Who? Josh Nasser.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah, he held that man's dead body in his arms, trying to, like,

Speaker 2 console him. Is he a pedophile? Yes.

Speaker 2 No, he isn't. Josh Nasser is a great guy.
But, you know, all those doormen at the comedy store had to get, like, trauma therapy. Why?

Speaker 2 When you see a guy die in front of you, you need therapy. A guy died on one of my flights.
I saw a guy die on my flight.

Speaker 2 And I literally said out loud, if this makes me fucking late to my gig, I'm going to be so mad.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. Yeah.
I saw a jogger.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I saw a jogger dead in La Jolla.
Oh, no, dude, here's another. A dude died next to me in an AA meeting.
No. Yeah.
I was at a Wednesday night AA meeting, right, in La Jolla.

Speaker 2 It was called Winner's Circle.

Speaker 2 Winner's Circle? In Winner's Circle. Yeah.
I don't know if it's still there, but this is in the 80s. Because I was in high school.
I was an AA in high school. You started AA.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So I remember

Speaker 2 he sat next to me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then the AA meeting started, and some guys up there going, yeah, so you know, my last drunk was on a cliff. I almost jumped off and this and that.
And I turned to my lap and this dude's just.

Speaker 2 Like that. Wait, did he die during the meeting? Yeah, yeah.
Even the share was bad. Heart attack?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Heart attack? Yeah, it was a heart attack.
But then here's the fucked up part.

Speaker 2 It was in La Jolla, so we had a couple of doctors in there, right? So

Speaker 2 they take the guy out, but then they're like, keep the meeting going. Yeah, you got to stay.
Now you really got to stay sober. Yeah, right.
Because they see a dead guy. I don't know how to drink.

Speaker 2 But what was fucked up is I'm sharing. Oh.
Right. But all I hear is them doing CPR.

Speaker 2 Right. So my rock bottom three, four.
Yeah, it was fucking it was fucking up my share. So you got a bad share because of the CPU? Yeah, I was like, I'm Bobby, alcoholic.
Three, two, right, one, right?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 three, two, one. But my mom, three, two.
I was like, what the fuck? I can't get it out. So it ruined your moment.
It ruined that meeting, but I remember him dying. It was really.

Speaker 2 Did you ever try to be funny at AA meetings? Oh, dude, I used to go like this. They used to go, when I was in rehab.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They would take you to meetings and, you know, they go, is there any newcomers? Right. So you go, you know, I'm Bobby, I'm an alcoholic.
And people, hi, Bobby, right?

Speaker 2 I used to go, I'm, and I used to go,

Speaker 2 yeah, me, alcoholic, right?

Speaker 2 And me and my friend,

Speaker 2 I'm not supposed to say their names. Yeah, he's dead.
But uh, pedophile. But

Speaker 2 he, uh, we,

Speaker 2 him, and I would giggle, laughing. Yeah.
And he would do the same thing. He would like share, I'm John, and just fart.
And we would just laugh. And out of the

Speaker 2 22 kids, right, that went to that rehab, him and I were the only one to stay sober. Wow.
I saw him four years ago. I was at Wise Guys.
Salt Lake. Salt Lake.
And he was in the front row. He was? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was my boy. How'd he die? He's not dead.
I lied.

Speaker 2 And is he a pedophile? No. Whoa.
He's a good dude. That's a lot of information to put out about a guy that he just has full legal name.
What if he gets fired now? He's not. He's a good dude.

Speaker 2 What is he? He's sober. What does he work? I don't know.
I didn't know. Fuck, man.
Let's find out. I don't know where John Basonic is.
Don't stop saying his whole name. No, this is the good guy.

Speaker 2 He is my friend from rehab.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 You don't know. You don't know.
What if he's up to some bad shit now? I think about that all the time.

Speaker 2 What if someone from your past that used to love gets into some shit now that you're like, fuck, I can't believe somebody from my, there was a kid from my high school

Speaker 2 who got arrested for jerking off outside of like a Papa John staring at high school teenage girls.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you something? What? He looked a lot like you. I swear to God of my life.

Speaker 2 I swear swear to God, in my life.

Speaker 2 Can I show you? This is insane. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 This guy looks like you, dude.

Speaker 2 He charged with sexual exploitation of a child of police. He found masculine inside of his pants.
I was on the ice cream parlor window. Sorry, not a proper time.

Speaker 2 George, remember I told you what I looked to be? Bobby, look. This is the look I'm going for.
I was going to get beard implants. That's you.
That's who I wanted to be, yeah.

Speaker 2 This is a kid I went to high school. It's a good look, though.
This is a kid I went to high school with. It's a good look.

Speaker 2 Let's be honest. That's a shady good look.
He looks dope. Yeah, it looks dope.
This kid was a cool, a party animal, man. We used to get high and watch Belly at his house.
Remember the movie Belly?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, he got charged masturbating outside of an ice cream parlor window.
Can I tell you another fucked up story? Because it reminds me of that one. Of course.

Speaker 2 I used to work at a restaurant called the Brockton Villa. It's in La Jolla.
Wait a minute. It's still there.
Yeah. I know.
I know that restaurant. Yeah, I used to wait tables there.
You did?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I used to wear a tie, you know what I mean? Yeah. And put my hair in a ponytail.
Yeah. And do the wine and the whole thing.
That's so fucking funny. I know.
It was terrible.

Speaker 2 It was just you holding a wine bottle with a pro, dude. I've had all kinds of jobs, bro.
Okay, pitch me right now.

Speaker 2 I'm at the Brockton Villa right now. Okay, ready? Here we go.

Speaker 2 Well, anyway, yeah, and that's kind of fun. Hey, welcome to the Brockton Villa.
Would you like to hear about our specials?

Speaker 2 Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure.
We have a salmon filet that's lightly crusted with a little crumbs. I don't know the fucking thing, but like lightly crusted.

Speaker 2 We have a tomato basil soup that's freshly made in-house. And we also have

Speaker 2 a banana pudding cake that we made. Great.
Yeah. So

Speaker 2 is there any way I can speak to a manager?

Speaker 2 I'm a little dissatisfied with the service off of that.

Speaker 2 Chime. You know, when I was younger,

Speaker 2 I was terrible at banking. I was abused.
So bad. Get overdraft charges.
Yeah, I just didn't know how to handle my money. I didn't know how to manage it.
And also, no one was there to help.

Speaker 2 But Chime understands that every dollar counts.

Speaker 2 That's why when you set up direct deposit through Chime, you get access to fee-free features like overdraft coverage, getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit, and much more, which definitely would have helped me when I was doing my PA jobs back in the day.

Speaker 2 Also, with qualifying direct deposits, you are eligible for free overdraft up to $200 or debit card purchases and cash withdrawal. You can learn more about it at chime.com/slash slash bad friends.

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Speaker 2 I'm sorry, I didn't memorize the. No, yeah, you should have memorized the special.
This video I was working there.

Speaker 2 I was working there.

Speaker 2 And there was this waitress who just became messed. She was missing.
She disappeared. Yeah, like, and we were one shift.
They're like, you know, I forgot her name, Cindy. I don't know if her name is.

Speaker 2 Who knows? She disappeared. Well, she came back, but I'll tell you what happened.
Oh, so she

Speaker 2 came back. Yeah.
So for weeks, she disappeared. And then, you know, where they found her?

Speaker 2 They found her on Catalina Island in a hotel room, tied to a bed. What? And she had been repeatedly raped.
Oh my God, this is a terrible fucking story. I know, but here's the good part.

Speaker 2 Oh, there's the good part. Yeah.
She turned into an angel.

Speaker 2 Hello, she.

Speaker 2 And she flew away into the sky. No, she, um, they found her.
She went back to work two days later. And I remember waiting tables with her.
Her eye was still bloodshot.

Speaker 2 One of her pupils were like completely red. Did you talk to her? Yeah, I go, Cindy, you're all right? I'm fine.
Are you all right? Well, I don't know what to say. Nothing.
You say nothing.

Speaker 2 No, you have to say something. Here's me.
Here's, you're Cindy. You're back.
Ready? Yeah. Say hi to me.
Hi.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 2 That's weirder. No, hold on.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What are you doing back here?

Speaker 2 Well, I was just, I got repeatedly raped on Catalina Island. No, I know.
Yeah. Don't you need to take some time for yourself? I need money.
Oh, you do? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, do you want to take 46 and 47? Because they don't dip, but they've been here before. Yeah, yeah.
That's terrible. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She worked against it. The woman disappeared.
She came back. She came back.
She came back again. That's awful, dude.
I didn't do it.

Speaker 2 Well.

Speaker 2 That's so sad. I would never be able to do anything like that.
Sexually abuse or assault somebody? I would not even conceive of it. I fucking hope not.

Speaker 2 You're saying it like it's a thing that you might, it's like you're talking about it like it's skydiving.

Speaker 2 You're like, no, I don't think I could do that. I don't know if that's for me.

Speaker 2 That's insane. I know, but I couldn't.
No shit.

Speaker 2 Most Most humans don't. Because it's like the motive, like, first of all, what would motivate me to do it? You have to ask that.
Would you ever join a gang?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 You would have joined a gang? Yeah, but as soon as there's initiations, I wouldn't be able to do it. Because they beat you up?

Speaker 2 No, even if you know how some gangs are like, you know, you got to kill two humans, you know what I mean, to join the gang. Well, what about, you got to get jumped in first.

Speaker 2 First of all, they beat the shit out of me. But jumping, because I don't have like the right nerve endings.

Speaker 2 Because when Ari Shafir beat the shit out of me, I didn't really feel anything oh so you could take a jump in yeah i can take that do the yakuza jump people in no they chop a finger off that's tight which one do they do this one your ring finger i think so yeah because you're married to the game yeah yeah that's because they chop the finger i couldn't do that could you i could take a finger more than i would take a beating what because i've been in enough fist fights and fights hurt a lot and and one-on-one sucks if you're getting beat by like five six dudes yeah they could beat you to they could beat you to death or you could your brain could go gone yeah but not not if you do this I do this when I'm being beat up they could still get you dude they kick you in the head enough times you die yeah cut off my finger fine yeah but that they as long as they got the proper stuff to wrap it what if there was a gang that like cut off your nut sack would you do that no way one nut no half a nut yeah

Speaker 2 half a nut seems seems okay half a nuts fine yeah yeah yeah but you but just get rid of one then because half a nut probably doesn't work it probably doesn't look good well you can't tell it's in a sack and then you'd have to explain it.

Speaker 2 You know, I have those refrigerators,

Speaker 2 you know, those refrigerators that you can look inside and see what's inside the inside the fridge. You ever seen this? There's like translucent, yeah.

Speaker 2 That'd be cool if they, if you could look inside your sack and see which because I want, I would love to see what's going on inside of my sack.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, my, but my, it would be a lazy party, yeah, yeah. My dudes would be just like floating there like this.
Here's my, here's my guys, like this. As soon as you open it up, here's my guys,

Speaker 2 hey, what, what do you, yeah, what are you doing here?

Speaker 2 Yeah, what are you doing in here? Yeah,

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What are you doing?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. One time in college,

Speaker 2 I got this thing. I had this thing, this like pain in my nut, and the doctor told me to go jerk off in a hot tub.

Speaker 2 I swear to God on my life. He told me to masturbate in a hot tub.
So I did.

Speaker 2 It didn't go away. Really? No.
Didn't go away. And I went back and I said, I did what you said, and it didn't go away.
And he goes, huh?

Speaker 2 That's it. A doctor.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he goes, huh my dad my mom and dad had a bathtub a jetted tub no it was just a regular but but the the faucet of the bathtub was so strong you'd put it against your clip so it'd sit there like this

Speaker 2 right when my dad was at parents were at work and i like this and it would go down and i would go

Speaker 2 and i would just jerk off with the water flowing on it wait wait ow ow on like going on the head of your penis yeah yeah yeah what yeah yeah yeah but i would jerk off too it felt so good so hard hard water.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I would jerk off too, like this, right? Yeah, and I would go like this, like this. And the one time, and this is not a lie, I swear to God.

Speaker 2 I go,

Speaker 2 and I was making this noise.

Speaker 2 And then all of a sudden, I hear,

Speaker 2 and I turn around, it's my dad.

Speaker 2 And he never brought it up. We never really, he never discussed it.
Did you not? No.

Speaker 2 Why? I went, oh,

Speaker 2 and I saw my dad, and we locked eyes

Speaker 2 like this.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And he walked out of the room, and it was just like great shame.
Yeah. Yeah.
It is.

Speaker 2 You know, that's how I first, when I jerk off, when I was young, when I first started jerking off, I did what I call the rock star slide. What's that? Yeah, I would jerk off like this, always.

Speaker 2 Spread light, because you know how rather rubber gets far?

Speaker 2 So this is literally because my desk was about this height at home. So if I was looking at a porn, I would jerk off like this into something on the ground.
Yeah. I would always rock star slide.

Speaker 2 And one time after I was rock star sliding, I would have jerking off twice or three times or four times times that day because I was young. And I was wearing basketball shorts.

Speaker 2 And I sat down on the couch and my knees were discolored because I was in that knee position. And my dad was like, what the fuck you been doing?

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. He saw my knees.
He's like, what's wrong? What happened? Was that from basketball? I was like, yeah, no, I took a spill.

Speaker 2 Spill in basketball. Yeah.
I bruised my knees because I jerked off so much. I rockstar slided because it was my favorite way to come.
Were you like at that age?

Speaker 2 Were you, because I was such a depressed kid were you depressed were you always happy go lucky no i i i i only i went through depression

Speaker 2 i went through depression um a few times when i first went to high school i was very depressed because um i had no friends i went to a different school than all my friends went to i had no friends i was a fucking total loser my mom knew things were bad because i was doing really good in school she said that she goes you were killing it i knew something was wrong I was getting straight A's.

Speaker 2 She was like, something's wrong. Because my whole life, I never got straight A's.
I fucked up. I fucked around.
Oh, you put your attention on.

Speaker 2 I focused on school because I didn't have any friends. And then I slowly made friends and my grades went way down.
Drugs, buds. So that was that was my big problem.

Speaker 2 Drugs and friends, they plummeted my grades. And I wasn't depressed anymore.
But I was oppressed at the beginning for a long time.

Speaker 2 And I didn't think about killing myself, but I used to cry a lot in my room to

Speaker 2 Pearl Jam's Vitology album. Oh, really? I did.
If I got in a fight with my parents, I put on the song Better Man and I would cry. Yeah.

Speaker 2 When I lived in Minnesota and then we moved to San Diego, I remember this distinctly. The first day of school, we had softball.
We played softball and I was running, right, to a base.

Speaker 2 And this Filipino just kicked me in the nuts.

Speaker 2 For no reason?

Speaker 2 And it hurt so bad. I thought I was going to die.
And I was crying and no one helped me. Right.
Yeah. That's the epitome of my life.
Did you throw up? I didn't throw up, but I just remember going,

Speaker 2 even at that age,

Speaker 2 I always had thoughts of just vanishing or dying. Of going away? Yeah, of going away.
Your brother says the same things. You know that.
I know my brother does too. That's so sad to me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because you have to understand because of the trauma at home. I understand.
I know it's just, it's still sad that you want to. I know, but I'm just telling you, fucker.
Yeah, we are.

Speaker 2 But the trauma at home, I'm not going to get into it, but the trauma at home. And then when some Filipino guy that you don't even know kicks you in the nutsack,

Speaker 2 right? You can't even have that pleasure of stealing a base or whatever. Well, don't steal, don't steal.
You just learned the don't steal a troll jam, don't steal. Oh.
That's what it was.

Speaker 2 That was the charmatic retribution.

Speaker 2 I took a baseball to the nuts when I was in Little League. Yeah.
And I threw up for like no shit, like two minutes straight.

Speaker 2 I remember having like a big breakfast, and I swear to God, my dad had yelled at me over and over, wear a cup, wear a cup, wear a cup. And I didn't wear a cup.

Speaker 2 And I was playing the hot pocket shortstop, caught one right in the nards. And I'm not, it was almost instant.
It was almost instantaneous. It was like, it was like ball hit, nut, blah.

Speaker 2 I couldn't stop throwing up. Imagine how funny it would be if you died, right?

Speaker 2 And you were in heaven and you're like, hey, could I see the Andrew Santino clips?

Speaker 2 Right? And God's like, you mean even the most embarrassing moments? That would be embarrassing. Ever since the kid?

Speaker 2 Imagine being in theater, watching your friend's embarrassing moment clips as a kid all the way up to their other day. That's what heaven really is.
We would laugh.

Speaker 2 You would laugh to the point where you would die again. I would love to be able to see that right before I die.
Yeah. On my deathbed, if they could show you your best of? The best of, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, Oh my God. One of my most, one of my most embarrassing, another embarrassing moment, I was masturbating in my parents, in my mom's room, because they had the VCR in their room.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I had a VCR in.

Speaker 2 And I thought my mom was gone.

Speaker 2 My dad might have been in the basement, but I thought my mom was not home and I thought it was my little sister. And I was jerking off.

Speaker 2 And my sister, I mean, my mom came in the room, but I couldn't see her. I was on the other side of the room.
And I was jerking off. And I just go, Katie, get out.

Speaker 2 Get out.

Speaker 2 And my mom goes, it's me, bud.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 And dude,

Speaker 2 I'm not kidding.

Speaker 2 I started sweating, getting hot. I was having like a panic attack for the first time in my life.

Speaker 2 And my dick got so soft that it got so small and hard again. Do you know when it gets hard? If you've been so scared and your dick gets small and hard,

Speaker 2 no, it gets like swollen and tight. Do you know that? It gets so tight and swollen.
That's never happened to me, but that's it. Oh, my God.
It got so scared. Well,

Speaker 2 let's not talk about my fucking dick with your dick, okay? But it got tiny and scared. It got swollen.
Why would you attack me?

Speaker 2 You just said that's never happened to me, but we're trying to be relatable here to each other. Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm not stepping on you. All right.
You jerked off in a fucking tub.

Speaker 2 I didn't mock how insane that was. That you let 90 miles an hour rushing water penetrate the head of your penis.

Speaker 2 Psycho.

Speaker 3 What do you guys think? I thought that was really funny. Anyway, now we have to fast forward almost a year to May 2021.

Speaker 3 Our Think of the Mayo special.

Speaker 3 What happened that day? Well, again, Andrew had his vaccine shot the day before. He wasn't feeling that well.
Bobby felt the energy was a little off.

Speaker 3 I think they're super funny, like they always are, but they didn't feel it. So we shelved this episode again and re-recorded.

Speaker 3 a couple days later on the same set and and if you go to our website you'll see that you know the thinko de amigos was was air and you'll see that it's exactly the same set but we've never seen uh or you've never seen this this this episode so here is the thing of the mayo special

Speaker 2 bro

Speaker 2 bro you can't do that anymore

Speaker 2 you gotta do it

Speaker 2 you gotta do it

Speaker 2 speedy when i used to go to um tijuana speedy you would you would walk down the street like in tijuana back in the late 80s early 90s yeah and you'd have like just kids come up to you and go selling chickle mister mister please mister yeah and you're like get the fuck off man

Speaker 2 yeah yeah yeah yeah do you buy you buy chicklets please i was telling her i was telling her earlier i i used to i used to sell corn sell corn do you know that oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 2 yeah i used to sell corn and by the ways watching you sell corn oh what a great bit to watch you sell corn i wish i was around for that yeah so i had had i had to wake up five in the morning and pick up corn from Dunnell Yasi Wachi's farm and go to the side of the freeway.

Speaker 2 And I had this corn stand. And I told the Mexican guys to make me a sign, a big corn sign, because no one was coming.
Right. So I was like on the side of the road, and the sign said Cron.

Speaker 2 Fresh Cron. C-R-O-N.

Speaker 2 Fresh corn.

Speaker 2 So the signs at Cron, right?

Speaker 2 And then,

Speaker 2 so a couple days later, like, not a single person came to my corn stand. Your cron stand? My cron stand.
So I told my dad. My dad goes, you know why? Like, why?

Speaker 2 Because you have to yell the corn. You have to what? Yell the corn.
Oh, you have to yell the corn. I'm on the side of the freeway.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So now the next day, right? Yeah. I've got corn in my hand, right?

Speaker 2 And I'm going, God,

Speaker 2 like screaming it, right? And I had to do it because had this fear that my dad would be across the street. Watching you.
Watching me. Louder.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And it was a nice. Did you sell? Did you make any money doing that for real? You did it for like how long, you said? A whole summer.
And

Speaker 2 I had to work 12 hours. Oh, my God.
And he'd give me 100 bucks. For 12 hours? Yeah, yeah.
And this little one

Speaker 2 was ungrateful. This ungrateful little girl, right? Rude.
She goes,

Speaker 2 today on the car. What were you doing at 19? So I was telling her I was selling corn.
I worked constructions. Right.

Speaker 2 And I go, if I was on, you know what I mean, a radio show like this or a podcast, it would have been a life-changer. It would have been a dream.
But this means nothing to her. It means zero.

Speaker 2 Zero, less than zero. Nothing.
How excited are you to come see us?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 The breath? The breath.

Speaker 2 Not really. Not really at all.
Obviously, not at all. A little.
No, it's nothing.

Speaker 2 Nothing. It's bullshit.
Honestly, that really breaks breaks my heart. Yeah, and I said to her, I said, come on, Jewel, let's go.
And she does this face. Like she has to go to jury duty, dude.

Speaker 2 That's right. She goes like this.

Speaker 2 Did you do that? No. Pull the mic closer to your face.
We even got to the point. We don't even know how to do this yet after fucking.

Speaker 2 67 weeks. I don't even know what this is now.
Yeah. It's over a year.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What have you taken away from this show that you really do enjoy?

Speaker 2 Doing

Speaker 2 reading the scripts. Oh, you love reading scripts.
Okay, well, maybe we should read a script today do we have a mexican script by the way happy cinco de mayo to our what is it what what

Speaker 2 i know you're into history big time

Speaker 2 and you know i and i always i always call you when it when i have historical questions and things that i don't know much about right i don't know anything about the cinque de mayo i know it's the fifth of may fifth of may and so that used to be the sixth of may why siete sis sieta de mayo it used to be siete sieta de may was there ever uno de mayo there okay check this out yeah the reason do you know why it falls on the fifth Why?

Speaker 2 Because of how many soldiers have fought in the Spanish-Mexican-American war. There was a three-war.
People only know Spanish-American. There was a Spanish-Mexican-American war, right?

Speaker 2 I'm dead serious. I love it.
And there were five soldiers, right?

Speaker 2 That's all Mexico had. Okay, we have us five.
And they shot it. Oh, that's what it was.
Right. Well, they had six.
It was going to be Siete de Mayo. Ah, but the six.
This one got what? He was.

Speaker 2 Chlamydia. He bailed.
Six means says. Huh?

Speaker 3 Says is six.

Speaker 2 I think I know Spanish.

Speaker 2 and um i think i know spanish so so you're spanish and they're mexican so it's got to be different totally different languages yeah it's got to be different this is what's so annoying about you is you get you get real uppity about

Speaker 2 you speak spain spanish this is mexican spanish

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Speaker 2 Totally different. Anyway, so the Siete de Mayo was going to be the day in the Spanish-American-Mexican war.
What ended up happening is the Mexicans brought food on the first day of the war.

Speaker 2 You know, before we fight, you know, for it, they brought these delicious tacos and sopa pitas and cochulos and

Speaker 2 crocandes

Speaker 2 and chicharrones and porcato sellos. Do you know what porcato sellos is? It's like

Speaker 2 you know pork belly. I just said I knew what it was.
You know what it is. Secato sellos.
Pork belly. It's well, it's just like pork belly.

Speaker 2 And then there was

Speaker 2 em por tianos. En portanos are like wrapped potato skins.
Yeah, I know what they say. You know what portanos are.
They're wrapped potatoes. Red potato skins.
Exactly. Right.
So anyway,

Speaker 2 they brought this to the war. The Americans realized these guys are great allies.
They're good with their hands. They're good building.
And the Spaniards came dressed real fancy, real fancy.

Speaker 2 They're like, we don't want to get dirt on their charts. They didn't want to get dirt on their charts.
Yeah. And the Americans immediately sided with the Mexicans.
We beat them.

Speaker 2 That's the celebration of that's amazing. And thank you so much.
And I regret asking. Yeah.
I regret asking. Okay.
Also, I just remember this. In third grade,

Speaker 2 so, you know, when I lived in Minnesota. Yeah.
Okay. Land of Lakes.
The Land of Lakes. I lived in Adina, Minnesota.
And

Speaker 2 I used to have these birthday parties. Yeah.
And all the white kids, I had only white kid friends. Right.
Yeah. Because I'm elite.
I'm an elitist. You are.
And, you know, they've always

Speaker 2 kind of only have white friends. No, I have some.
No, that's not true. That's crazy.
The majority of your friends are white. Let me think.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah. Yeah.
So I was thinking, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I thought of not a single black person. They're white.
No. So anyway,

Speaker 2 my dad, for i think it was third grade second grade whatever they got me a piñata oh right yeah and at my birthday party and they blindfolded us you know regular kids got regular blindfold i got dental floss

Speaker 2 it's an old joke old joke

Speaker 2 yeah man no i had the regular uh the regular um blindfold right and it took us about 45 minutes yeah to bust it open what was inside nothing

Speaker 2 they forgot to film yes your dad just they don't know they didn't know My parents didn't know what it was. You know what? They just thought, beat it up.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the whole purpose of it. Yeah.
It's just to beat up a donkey. Hit the donkey.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I get,

Speaker 2 they're not wrong. I think it's so lame that they don't come pre-stuffed.
Put stuff in there. Why do I have to put stuff in there? Yeah, I bought it.
Yeah, they have to put it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you have to put it in. They forgot.
And if you're going to put stuff in there, put money. Money.
Cocaine. Cocaine.
Right? Some weed, maybe? A little bit. Imagine as a kid.

Speaker 2 Money, weed, and and cocaine. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would just be like, you do love me or whatever. I don't care.

Speaker 2 Have you ever hit a piñata, brood?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but in the Philippines, we use a pot.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Let's go.

Speaker 2 That's so sad. Wait, you use a pot from your kitchen? Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait. So you, let me just ask you.

Speaker 2 So you take, you dangle a pot, right? No, no, they have a piñata, but they hit it with a pot. No, we use a pot.
The piñata is the pot.

Speaker 2 Right. So you're dangling.
Oh my god. You're dangling a pot.
So it's like a big pot filled with what?

Speaker 2 Coins and chocolate. And they hang it from a tree.
Yeah, yeah. And what do you hit it with? Just a stick? A stick.
Yeah, yeah. That is

Speaker 2 so good.

Speaker 2 Can you do it again? That's so good. Filipino piñata? Man, but I like you guys.
I really do. That's so funny.
Here I'm thinking they hit it with a pot. No.
That's funny to me. That's what, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 The pot. The actual pot is the pot.
It's the donkey. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It makes sense, though, because you can fill the pot, obviously, with either water or candy. Right.
And there it is. There's a picture.
There it is. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What is it called? Oh, my God. That is so fucking funny.

Speaker 2 It says. Oh, it's a ceramic pot.
So it's not metal. It's ceramic.
So you can put parts of it like smack you in the face.

Speaker 2 It's like an IED.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's like a roller.
So that's you. There you are in the background right there.
Yeah, that's hella. So you hit the ceramic pot, it shatters and everything comes out.

Speaker 2 But doesn't that stuff either shatter and hit kids? Because Because ceramic is sharp when it breaks. Yeah, but I've never seen it.

Speaker 2 That's why they put it on the eyes. So they don't.

Speaker 2 The guys are their eyes out. How about this? Are they all wearing shoes?

Speaker 2 I don't think so. Oh, my God.
Shards of ceramic just on the floor. That's what I love, the recklessness of other countries.
They don't care. There it is again.
I'm telling you right now, Andrew. Wow.

Speaker 2 Did I ever tell you about our talent show? No.

Speaker 2 What talent show? All right.

Speaker 2 So, Kalila, the last time we were in the Philippines, we were in Cebu, right yeah and kalai just goes one day she goes let's do a talent show yeah i go like amongst ourselves no that's the island the whole island yeah okay so go well how does that work i mean do we i mean we had nothing we're leaving we're going to another island three days i mean that we had plans right oh no no i'll just call a friend up right okay so i go and and i go well where are we gonna do it we did it at what at some gymnasium yeah some outdoor gymnasium right and i go who's hosting it i know this gay guy that does you know what i mean mean, whatever, right?

Speaker 2 So the whole family go out there. Right.
And

Speaker 2 it, it literally was like

Speaker 2 American Idol. It was like a big deal.
The whole town came. Oh, wow.
All right. You were there.
Yeah. Yeah.
The whole town came, right? And I was like stressing out now. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like I'm judging it, right? Oh, they want you to be a judge. It's my talent show, bro.
It's my talent show.

Speaker 2 I thought it was a job. It's such a thing that's taking place.
No, no, I'm doing it. Bobby Lee presents.
I'm producing it. This is Bobby Lee presents.
Okay. Talent show.
Okay. Right? Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 2 So then we

Speaker 2 show up there, and I'm like, oh, we need categories, right? So we had dance category. Ooh.
Right. Any good dancers? Oh, my God.
I mean, it was like American Idol level. Like, legit, they checked.

Speaker 2 It was like they're wearing costumes, wearing costumes, flip, fire,

Speaker 2 pyro,

Speaker 2 pyrotechnic.

Speaker 2 How does this happen? How did you go?

Speaker 2 Look. So that's.
This is it. Oh, my God.
So this is. How did you set this up, Bobby?

Speaker 2 I don't know. It was one of those things where you kind of wished it.
And it happened. And it happened.
So wait, can you blow that up?

Speaker 2 So this was the

Speaker 2 pinch and pull and let's see this. So this is.
Okay.

Speaker 2 We can't hear it. Yeah.
Also, by the way, look, but look. Just watch.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So basically, they're not even competing. This is just us introducing the people.
And that guy on the left.

Speaker 2 Watch. Now this guy's.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 2 They're trying to up each other. Right.
Right. Wow.
Yeah. That's dope.
We had one guy. What was the winner? Who won? I don't remember, but we had this one guy come out with a bucket of gasoline.

Speaker 2 Lights on. I'm fine.
I'm not kidding. Right? He drank it.
Yeah, he drank this gasoline. What do you mean? And swallowed it? Yeah.
But then,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 He looked like Ghost Rider. His whole head is up.

Speaker 2 right and I was like ah you know we were screaming right and then his buddy right tries to up him right goes he's using fire right so he goes I'm just gonna run like spider-man on the side of the wall like run up the wall bro this guy just starts booking it

Speaker 2 right booking it starts climbing the wall there's no fucking you know nothing to hold on to yeah it's like free solo but like speed version right right he's finding the cracks he's up there he's fucking 300 feet up there, climbing the wall, yeah, he's on top of the wall, this gigantic school wall, and he comes, he goes, Did I win?

Speaker 2 I go, I don't know if that's it,

Speaker 2 but it was like how much, how much money did they win?

Speaker 2 I don't know, like a hundred

Speaker 2 pesos. I don't know, I don't know, nothing, but you guys just got a free talent show, and these people worked super hard for it.
You don't understand.

Speaker 2 It was it was a Jocoy sold out, right?

Speaker 2 It was people,

Speaker 2 everyone in the town. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so afterwards, I'm like. Are you a celebrity now at this? Do they know you?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know if they know who I am. Were people kind of like knowing who he was? No.
No one knows me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, which is awesome. That's awesome.
And then I go,

Speaker 2 afterwards, I was like. And also,

Speaker 2 there were times.

Speaker 2 Where I thought you'd have to call 911 because I was laughing so hard. I was on the floor

Speaker 2 holding my sides, tears, right?

Speaker 2 Just, you know what I mean? I couldn't, I breathe. Yeah.
I was laughing so hard. So I thought,

Speaker 2 let's make this a show.

Speaker 2 That should be a show. Bobby Lee presents the Philippines.
Yeah, yeah. Done.
On an island. So I was going to fly out you.
Oh, my God. Maybe Annie Letterman and me.
We judge. So fun.
Right.

Speaker 2 Joe Coy will host it. Of course.
Right. And it would be a competition.

Speaker 2 Honestly, this is such a good idea. I would love to see this.
Americans judging. I already pitched it to AG.
They want to do it. It's so comedy.
So we should do it. Yeah, I want to do it.

Speaker 2 But then the pandemic hit. I know.
You know what I mean? Our dreams were crushed.

Speaker 2 You, you have to be a judge. No.
Yes. Or you have to host it.
Maybe you. Oh, my God.
She hosts. Yeah, you host it.

Speaker 2 Okay, so look into the camera and I want you to do an introduction to Welcome to Bobby Lee's

Speaker 2 Philippines Got Talent. Come on.
Say your name and some energy, though. Also, just listen, all right? Literally, don't half-ass it.
Literally, feel it. The crowd.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Feel what you're going to feel like when you're on day, right? I don't have the feeling.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? I said, go back.

Speaker 2 Try to get the feeling. Okay, close your eyes real fast.
Ready? Yeah. Visualize.
5,000 screaming people in Cebu, screaming at the top of their lungs. What do they scream? What's a word? What's a.

Speaker 2 They say, woo, woo. Okay, woo-woo.

Speaker 2 Close your eyes. Yeah, yeah, like anywhere else.

Speaker 2 So, 5,000.

Speaker 2 And they're excited to see you. Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Right, right.
And then

Speaker 2 maybe there's an announcer. Yep.
Backstage.

Speaker 2 You do it.

Speaker 2 Do the accent. We need you to do it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Brudy, but you zip.

Speaker 2 Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

Speaker 2 Hello, everyone. I'm Rudy Jules, and welcome to Bobby Lee's Got Talent show.
Yes. Yes.
Great. Perfect.
Go ahead. Keep going.
Who are some of the contestants today? Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!

Speaker 2 Or the categories. The categories.
The categories for today are dancing, singing, and

Speaker 2 eating. Eating.
Eating. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-woo-woo-woo.
Woo-hoo.

Speaker 2 If you're hired, then that's it. You're hired.
It's 100%.

Speaker 2 You're doing it. Do you want to do it? No.
Why?

Speaker 2 I'll tell you why it'll freak her out. Why? I think it'd be easier here than there.
Well, because it's obviously. Because she's from from there.
Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Her family's going to be there. Her friends are going to be there.
And there's a lot of pressure. See, look at her.
She's already having a panic.

Speaker 2 But I mean, you go to America, you become a star, and you go back. Think of how popular you'll be in Cebu.
Nobody watches. Listen, bro.
Hey. Nobody listens to Bad Friends there.
We have Cebu fans.

Speaker 2 Two. Three.
Maybe. But fine.
Well, three is enough. And they spread the word like wildfire.
Yeah, yeah. You're a big dog in Cebu, man.

Speaker 2 Honestly, I would love if I wish there was someone listening that could vouch that there are people in Cebu that listen. I guarantee you there are.
What about like expats and stuff? I think. 20.

Speaker 2 I'm being real. Okay, 100 even is enough to spread it around.
Yeah. I bet you she's acquired some fans in Cebu.
Somebody's got to know you. But you know what's great, though?

Speaker 2 In college, I think, when you go to college in America, I think, I think a guy will be like, you know, an AP, you know, bio or whatever. Uh-huh.
And go, Are you Rudy? Don't you think?

Speaker 2 Don't you think? You think. Yeah, someone's going to go.
Someone's going to go. And they're going to be like nerds going to walk up with books and go, Excuse me, are you

Speaker 2 Are you Rudy Jules?

Speaker 2 What are you gonna say? He says, What are you gonna say? What are you gonna say? Hi, are you Rudy Jules?

Speaker 2 I'm his buddy, too.

Speaker 2 That's my buddy. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I think that's Rudy Jules. Yeah.
Are you Rudy Jules?

Speaker 2 Yes, it's me. Oh, my God.
Wow. We're in the same class together.

Speaker 2 Nice.

Speaker 2 Nice. Nice.

Speaker 2 What's Andrew and Bobby like? Yeah, what are they like?

Speaker 1 They're both really weird.

Speaker 2 Oh, cool. Oh, cool, man.
So tell me,

Speaker 2 are you going to keep doing the show when you go to college? Because you're here in college with us? Yeah. I think so.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Is it cool being a celebrity?

Speaker 2 I'm not a celebrity. Oh,

Speaker 2 we're nervous.

Speaker 2 We're usually confident when we're not around people like you. But right now, we don't even ever even...
We talk like this normally, but right now we're talking like this because we're so nervous.

Speaker 2 Right now.

Speaker 2 Do you want to come party with us tonight? Yeah. No, thank you.

Speaker 2 How about what? It's night. It's Friday.

Speaker 1 I'm really sleepy.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, that's what she does on the show.

Speaker 2 Yeah, right. It's just leaving me on the show.

Speaker 2 That's crazy. All right, maybe we'll see you around.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, bye.

Speaker 2 That's wild. Yeah.
Wow. You know how to handle it.
No, no. That's being rude.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. She doesn't know.
That's being rude.

Speaker 2 That's being fucking rude. That's how she would handle it.
No, no, no, no. You have to do this.
Okay. Dude, you have to be like, dude, I was just, okay, I want to tell you something.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I was just in Oklahoma. I was just, yeah, I forgot you were in Oklahoma with a winner.
I was sleeping on the plane. I have to say something about right.

Speaker 2 Like, whenever I fly to a place like Oklahoma or Tulsa or whatever. Same place, yeah.

Speaker 2 I get nervous because I think, because I don't really do gigs there ever. I've never done a gig there.
Yeah, yeah. So it's like, I don't know much about it.
Right. So to me, it's like...
Unabomber.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that too. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I get nervous because I think

Speaker 2 maybe those, because I know also it's a big Trumpy place, I think.

Speaker 2 So I feel like there's... you feel like you're going to be

Speaker 2 not a part of or feel you know scared, whatever. But I, I had the best time of my life.
It was awesome. Oh my God.
It was amazing. Well, shooting was great, but like then hanging out.

Speaker 2 Hanging out was great because I would kick those scooters. I was in downtown Tulsa.
Sure. And I'd go to restaurants.
Right. And I went to this one called

Speaker 2 Bull in the Alley.

Speaker 2 I like the name. Really good food.
Steaks and stuff like that?

Speaker 2 Amazing. It was amazing.
So I sat there in Bull in the Alley,

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 I'm just sitting there waiting for my food and I see this 50, 60 year old lady

Speaker 2 smashed. All right.
And she's, I'm sitting here eating like this and she's right here and she's doing this.

Speaker 2 Just standing next to you.

Speaker 2 Staring at you. Staring at me.
What? She's like literally right here. There's a shield, but she's.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right. And I'm like, I have my bacon appetizer, some salad.
I keep looking over and she's like, right?

Speaker 2 I'm like, hi, hi.

Speaker 2 She goes, are Are you?

Speaker 2 Are you Bobby Lee? I go, Yeah. She goes,

Speaker 2 I love you. I love you on Magnum PI.
Whatever. Yes.
Which is a weird. No, that's awesome.
Okay. So, oh, great.
You watched the show. Yeah.
I think they just got picked up from those.

Speaker 1 She says, she goes, that's great. That's great.

Speaker 2 And she just stood there

Speaker 2 for 12 minutes. I like this one.
Yeah, she's cool. And then I go, oh, so what do you do? She's like,

Speaker 2 I don't live here. I don't live here.
We're just visiting here. Me and my daughter.
Me and my daughter. Okay, get my daughter.
Oh, boy. Yeah, get your daughter.

Speaker 2 She goes right yeah what the fuck he comes back with now there's two

Speaker 2 right next to me right and it's just like i'm just you know when you're in a situation like that also it's like because of the pandemic and because i haven't been you know i haven't been to a restaurant i haven't been out with anybody right that you're like trying to

Speaker 2 yeah You know what I mean? You're trying to engage and not be a dick. But it's hard because it's also weird in the masks and the separation.
Right. So what I figured out to do is just kind of like

Speaker 2 get to have a nice day as quickly as you can. Yeah.
Right. So, it's basically like, yeah, so I'm shooting the show right here.

Speaker 2 It's not out yet. And, you know, I really like to say, anyway, have a nice day.
Have a good meal.

Speaker 2 That's a polite way to do it. They

Speaker 2 stay. They didn't leave.

Speaker 2 They just went to the house.

Speaker 2 They didn't leave. They're like, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 We're just going to hang. And then in back of me, and I heard there was another couple, an old couple, probably six years old.
And this man was like, ha ha ha ha ha.

Speaker 2 He got laughing like that.

Speaker 2 I turned around. I go, what's up? He goes, I love you on podcast, man.

Speaker 2 Right? And I go, oh, cool. And

Speaker 2 it's, I think, either Tiger Belly or Bad Friends. Sure.
No.

Speaker 2 Sibling rivalry. I don't even know what that is.
It's Oliver Hudson's and Kate Hudson's show. Oh, and Kate Hudson's show.
Yeah, yeah. And I go, oh, yeah.
And I thought, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 It'd be a Bad Friends thing. Did he look like a? He sounds like a Bad Friends fan.

Speaker 2 He doesn't sound like a Kate Hudson fan. Yeah, but you have to be Jules.
What I'm saying is that when you're in college, you got to be a sweetie and people recognize you. I will be.
No, you weren't.

Speaker 2 That was not, though, nice. Try it again.
Because it's both of you. All right.
Well, then try it again when it's just Bobby. Bobby is the nerd, and let's hear how you handle this situation.

Speaker 2 Maybe we're playing it. You know what? We were playing it kind of unrealistic and a way to overplay it real.
Salate real.

Speaker 2 Excuse me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 2 My name is Frank, and I'm,

Speaker 2 I live,

Speaker 2 I live. It's silly.
I don't even live here. No, I'm just, I'm sitting three rows back and back of you in class.
Yeah. Anyway,

Speaker 2 but

Speaker 2 I know who you are.

Speaker 2 Are you Jules? You're Jules from, or they call you Rudy on Bad Friends, right? Yeah. Yeah.
I just want to let you know that I'm like one of the probably their biggest fan, you guys' biggest fan.

Speaker 2 I mean, I just, when I saw you in class, I like called like all my homies from back home and I said, I, you can't fucking believe who's in my class.

Speaker 2 And I just wanted to let you know that like I'm not being creepy or a weirdo. Um, I just want to know, um,

Speaker 2 I just want, ah, it's hard for me to see. That's who I want, I want to see if you can.
That's really nice. Uh, you can call me Jules, not Rudy, and yeah, maybe we can

Speaker 2 talk some other time, but I have to go. Well, the class hasn't started yet, and the professor's not in yet.
I need to poo.

Speaker 2 Oh, you need to poo? Yeah. Oh, I'll just, I'll be here when you get back.
Okay. I have to poo at home.
I have to poo at home. You're going to leave class.
I have to walk because I don't have a car.

Speaker 2 Before you go, though, can I just say, can we ever hang out, you think?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can I give you a realistic version like that? Ready? I'll give you a real one. Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 What? What are you doing? Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Cut. What? Cut.
Wait. I'm prepping to.
That's how I prep.

Speaker 2 That's how I prep. Cut for a second.
That's the director. Okay.
Cut for a second. That's how I prep.
Bro. Yeah.
Too much. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Too much. I just

Speaker 2 have bad friends with me. Nobody, right? Nobody.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait. That's how I settle in.
I know. This is what you're doing.
Yeah, that's how I settle in. As soon as that happens, Jules, if you ever see anyone do that, get the fuck out.
No.

Speaker 2 Okay. All right.
So, action. Hold on.
Let me settle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
yeah

Speaker 2 no no no all right keep going

Speaker 2 hey are you rudy jewels

Speaker 2 yeah yeah man i love bad friends are you in the movie there will be blood

Speaker 2 i just moved here from kentucky uh

Speaker 2 you might think i look weird it was because i was in a severe car accident how old are you 36. oh

Speaker 2 I have to go. Yeah, yeah, there we go.
Wait. Wait.

Speaker 2 Wait. Let him tell you his fucking story.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't.

Speaker 2 Anyway, I'm a big fan.

Speaker 2 This is my first time in college because when I was 17, I got into a bad car accident, and I lost both of my parents and my brother, my baby sister. So I live alone, and they left me six.

Speaker 2 0.8 million dollars. I have nothing to do and no one to spend away.
I'm a really nice person. Just people don't want to to hang with me.

Speaker 2 And I just figured maybe you and I could go out to eat some food maybe later.

Speaker 2 I already have a boyfriend. Oh, I don't want to be a boyfriend.
I just want a friend. I already have a lot of friends.
Wow. Ouch.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 I could be another. Look, I'll just pay for everything for you guys, and I'll just sit in the background.
You won't even see me. Is that okay?

Speaker 2 Okay. That's so fucked up.
That's so fucked up that you said okay to that. Rudy, that's gross.
Okay, she'll let. Yeah, you pay for everything and sit in the background.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, let me be

Speaker 2 stop. Let me, all right, let's an outside observer, right? You're on the you're in the wrong.
No,

Speaker 2 I'll tell you why. You're gonna let this guy pay for everything.
No, because you're saying that she's there with her friends. Yeah, no, she was alone.
No, no, no, he's like that.

Speaker 2 No, you, I see you're alone. No, no, no.
I just, that was it. I said, you said I pay for you and your friends

Speaker 2 when they go out. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 And I will be. So I imagine,

Speaker 2 right, you're at, let's say, Olive Garden. Watching.
Right.

Speaker 2 There's a main long table with her and all her friends. Yeah.
And there's a two-top with me. Or you're with you there.
Well, yeah.

Speaker 2 I think that's cool. Okay, well, I guess that's the best deal that I could get.

Speaker 2 Okay, I have to go. Well, can I have your phone number real fast that we trade swap numbers? That way I'll know where we're going to meet.
I don't have my phone right now. Oh, man.

Speaker 2 Do you have to leave right now? Yeah, you can just DM me on Instagram. Oh, totally.
I will. Where are you headed to to now?

Speaker 2 Somewhere. You look like you have to put it.
I have to go. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye, bye-bye.
As you walk away,

Speaker 2 he's following you.

Speaker 2 That character, dude. So creepy.
Yeah, it was so creepy.

Speaker 2 Jittery, just a jittery man.

Speaker 2 Honestly, any kind of weird character voice that I take nowadays, I've heard from South Park over the years.

Speaker 2 They have the funniest fucking characters that they put on that show, and the voices are just those two guys fucking around. I'm so jealous of what they get to do.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, we kind of get to do that on this fucking show.

Speaker 2 Don't ever say that again, man. I love that show.
I think South Park is one of the greatest shows of all. We're doing

Speaker 2 our bit. Our bit.
And we're doing our best. I'm sorry, you know, and I'm really out of it right now.
Because of the COVID. Oh, my God.
It's killing me.

Speaker 2 Did you announce to everybody that you had it? That I got the vaccination shot. I'm so loopy today.
Yeah, you feel weird. I just, I'm sweaty.
I'm hot. I can't really think straight.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, this wraps up the episode for today let me know if you enjoyed it because if you did I might have a couple little extra things in the vault that I could put there for you

Speaker 3 anyway I hope you guys join us for this 2022 that starts now and that I think is gonna be amazing we're gonna try to make the show even bigger and better if it's possible we're moving out to a new studio starting next month

Speaker 3 So hopefully you guys will be there for us.

Speaker 3 Go to buyfrenchmerge.com for that new merch that we put out. Please subscribe.
Follow us on Instagram. And thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Hey, everybody, this is Bobby Lee, your slep king. And

Speaker 2 if you love Tiger Belly, you're going to love my new podcast with Andrew Santino. It's called Bad Friends.
Please click on this subscription below.

Speaker 2 Link below. Sure, do it again.

Speaker 2 Hey, everybody. This is your Slepking, Bobby Lee.
I love you so much. No sotros papaya to you.
If you love Tiger Belly, you're going to love my new podcast with Andrew Santino.

Speaker 2 It's called Bad Friends. It comes out every Monday.
Please link on the screen.

Speaker 2 Hello.

Speaker 2 Hey, Tiger Belly fans. That was my red-headed freak friend, Andrew Santino.
If you love Tiger Belly, you're going to love my new podcast with Andrew Santino. It's called Bad Friends.

Speaker 2 And it comes out every Monday. Please link on the description below.
Click it. Hi, Tiger Belly fans.
That was my very good friend, the red-headed king, Andrew Santino.

Speaker 2 Hey, Tiger Belly fans, I love you so much. And if you love Tiger Belly, you're going to love my new podcast with Andy.
And

Speaker 2 it's called Bad Friends. It comes out every Monday.
Please click on the link on the description below. That's great.