The Three Unwise Men

Hey!

Everybody, um... We got a new merch.
We got new merch. We got new merch.
And it's a new year. It's a new year.
We have these hoodies that I love. Look at that.
And Rudy's got the green shirt. The green shirt.
I like the... I like the symbol.
I like that one too. And it's got...
This one has a little kimono dragon on the back. I love it.
Kimono? Kimodo. Kimono.
Kimono dragon. Yeah, because I like the clothes.
Go to badfriendsmerch.com. Badfriendsmerch.com.
Slash badfriendsmerch.com. Let's do it.
Badfriendsmerch.com. Slash badfriendsmerMerch.com BadFriendsMerch.com Get it! Get it! Also, come see me on the road, AndrewSantino.com I'm on the road doing stand-up comedy all over the country.
Come see me, AndrewSantino.com You two are bad friends! We're bad friends! Happy New Year! Blue light in your eyes I can't do the podcast Cause there's a blue light in my eye Right? Blue light in my eyes I can't do the podcast Because there's a blue light in my eyes That's a really really good song. It's a really good song.
Happy 2022! Happy, happy. Happy, happy, happy.
Oh my God, what a year. What a year! What a beautiful year.
What a beautiful year. I got to grow with my family.
With your family. And this is my new family.
This is your new family. Right.
Can I say something? Yeah. You look good.
Ah! You look good. Hello! You know who didn't dress up and doesn't look good? Rudy Jules.
No, you didn't. I have a dress.
She's wearing a dress. Oh, you are? Yeah, stand up.
What's that fishnet top you got on? Oh, it is a nice dress. You look nice.
What a fucking asshole you are, dude. I couldn't tell.
She spent nine hours. Normally, she looks like a fucking brown pill bug.
Does she look like a brown pill bug right now no she looks like a human being right now she does you look good we put fucking water on her we put soap on her we fucking put that little shampoo a little bit of shampoo on your hair right showered she begged she's like it's been a year i go here's um with the garbage con was a head and shoulders but it was a it was a combo it was two for one two and one it was it was yeah yeah because you know she has no time well no it's just that i use. With the head and shoulders.
But it was a combo. It was two and one.
It was, yeah, she had a blue conditioner. Because, you know.
She has no time. Well, no.
It's just that I use that for the animals and her. The dogs and her.
Yeah. And look who else dressed up.
Ladies and gentlemen, little black magic in the house looking good. Yeah, little maroon.
You know, he's wearing a Steve Harvey suit. That's a Steve Harvey harvey's finest show me purple show me purple yeah yeah yeah also and uh doc little black magic's got himself a little bit of vino vino what's inside the glass there doc got a little bit of pinot noir uh sponsored by barefoot new year's let him have it i'm letting him have it let him have it he's plugging it.
You can't plug a brand of wine. We don't have wine sponsors.
Okay, well, we can edit that out. But hey, man, 2022 is looking good on the walls right there.
Oh, it's looking good on the wall, but not for you in the real future. That's what I'm talking about.
Yeah. Also, shout out to- Your wall is not looking good.
No. Yeah, yeah.
Dude, your wall, dude, it's like one of those haunted walls in the movies. Yeah.
And it's cracked. You know, the chunks of walls are coming out.
Chunks of it missing? Yeah, missing, yeah. What's on your vision board, Doc? You know what, man? Oh, you know what? I had to take my vision board down.
Because I- No. You had one.
You had one. Yeah, I had one.
Because Oprah and Steve Harvey had one, so fuck y'all wait a minute wait a minute what was on your vision board yeah describe it I had a house right that I wanted oh no smelling out stages everywhere none of that's happened yet but then I had I had a Instagram model on there alright get another pen and paper to create another fucking video. Bro, you had a house and a model.

Selling out all over the country

and an Instagram model as a girlfriend or a wife.

As what I want and what I look like.

But the problem is...

Delusion board? Is that a delusion board?

They're called delusion board.

That's a delusion board.

That's our role. I'm all in that fantasy realm.

It's good.

I don't want to shit on your future. Let me tell you something.
Have more obtainable goals. No, no, no.
Dude, I don't agree with that at all. Get a condo.
No, no, no. Reach for the stars.
Get a condo. And plus, you started with a condo.
The Instagram star probably on this thing is probably Tequila. Tequila.
He doesn't know what an Instagram star is is like oh that this'll do who was it who was the instagram star well i don't want to say the name but come to find out he doesn't know he doesn't know the name i'll tell you why i had to tear the board up because i had to take the the girl that i put on there uh i come to find out because the the account got canceled right and come to find out out the reason the account got canceled because it was transgender. And I didn't know.
So I fucking had to. So I had to revamp the board because, you know, if you roll like that, that's you.
But transgender, that ain't my future. I wasn't trying to be.
You made the board, fuckface. Yeah, but I didn't know.
I didn't fucking know. It's not like God made the board.
You made the made the board transgender bro this motherfucker look delicious though bobby i was like and that's that's fine yeah that's on you and that's fine yeah but can we bring can we bring her up yeah yeah i want to see what delicious looks like man this shit gonna be all on the internet no man it's already on the internet you fucked yourself what do you think is going on It used to be Pimp Aaliyah. Pull it up.
I don't even know if the car's still open or not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, is this it? Aaliyah Jasmine? Yes.
That's her. That's a dude.
All right. First of all, it's not a dude.
It's a woman. It's a woman.
My bad. It's a woman.
But can you zoom in? Just pinch? Pinch and pinch? Give me something. Yum.
Yum. Wow.
She looks good. She looks great, dude.
What are you talking about? That should be, that's all should be on your vision board is her. Yeah.
Her ass. I had to go on my board, but it was like, what happened was, and how I found out, because it was canceled, I said, what happened to this account? Because I kind of go on a lot of women's accounts.
So I was like, how do you mean? How many women's accounts do you go on? Point the mic to it mic to it so we can see it okay on an average day a good 20 or 15 of them what are you doing on the pages Andrew I just watch their stories and see what kind of pictures they got Andrew he's a fucking he's a fucking stalker he's a fucking stalker you're a legitimate stalker Rudy you feel uncomfortable sitting next to you give some room a little room thank you hands up the whole time yeah yeah hands up hands up I'm not touching anybody yeah where's your penis dude I'm down me too down I'm down with me too I don't fucking name okay so time out let's slow down so Pimp Aaliyah her name is what what's her full name I don't know her name what do you mean Aaliy. Aaliyah is the name.
Aaliyah Jasmine. So this is how I found out because it got deleted.
I said, what happened to this girl? And then I said, so I started Googling and then all of a sudden these guys started talking about her and then some guy put up a picture of her before and after. Oh, let's scroll down.
I don't want to find a picture, but I was like, what? Wait, let's do, type in Aaliyah Jasmine before and after. There were some famous rappers in Singa.
A lot of people was following this woman. Oh, there you go.
Just go to images. Yeah, that'll work too.
But, dog, at the end of it. Oh, there's a lady.
Can I say something? Hot before. Yeah, yeah.
Maybe hotter before. Man, that shit got me, bro.
I said, goddamn. Holy shit.
Born a guy, got rid of it now it's a mere k it's a you love a mere k you do hey man don't be like that so go back to her instagram page so you're scrolling through the page one day and then you she's on your vision board you feel bad because you're looking at her took us and you like it look at it she's got it's got nice she's got nice nice meat sex whatever whatever that's one of the greatest looking ones I've ever seen. I said, God damn.
Greatest looking what? Trans women? Yeah. Sexy woman.
Let me ask you something. That Saturday night because that show, have we talked about the show yet? San Diego, yeah.
A little bit. You did great that night.
You did great, Doug. No, we haven't talked about that show since.
Have we? Boys? I don't know what we have. I don't know what we did about it without Doc.
We didn't do it with Doc. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I just want to say that show, you did great. Oh, thank you, bro.
Number one, all right, because I have some resentments I want to throw out. If you don't mind.
If you don't mind. We got a closer relationship going.
We do. You know, I don't know how you manage time.
You know, I don't know if you use your clock. I don't know if you have an internal clock.
Okay. But your internal clock is wrong.
Yeah, it's very wrong. It's very wrong.
It's way off. It's way off.
And when somebody says to do... You know when you go into an old town and there's a clock in the middle of the town and it's been 2 been 230 for i don't know seven years yeah that's

your internal clock you know the clock that's in back to the future after after after the strike yeah that's you yeah yeah all right yeah not working right not working so we told you you know it's a i don't know there was 2 000 people yeah it was like 14 or 15 yeah it was packed sold out

and we go go to 10 minutes

Bobby said 10 to 12 is fine. It's fine.
And Bobby even goes, if he does 15 because he's having fun, fine. Fine, right? Now him and I, we're 25 minutes in.
Yep. Right? Now I'm a human light, right? I'm doing...
He was. Get up! Get up! Right? You're in the pocket.
You start doing crowd work. And new stories.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He saw a guy in the audience.
He's like, oh, let me tell you. Where are you from? Carlsbad? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He just started making up stories. Yeah, you did this whole fucking Carlsbad fucking beach bit.
What was it about? Were you just in the moment so much you didn't realize?

I just was like, you know, man.

Couldn't see the clock, by the way.

Clock right on the floor.

Right on the floor.

Made me so mad.

I was like, they love me and I love them.

Oh my God.

Did you see the applause that Jules got before you, you fuckface?

Bigger applause than you, fuckface. I was in my feelings, man.
Did you hear my applause? Way bigger. Way bigger.
Give the mic to Jules. How did you feel about the whole thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I kind of liked it, but I also had a lot of farts going on. A lot of farts.
Big time farty girl. And that's the thing.
Barbra Streisand has that.

When she performs, she has farts.

That's true.

When she gets nervous, she farts.

She incorporates the farts into her singing.

I don't know if you know that.

Yep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Break me away.

Yeah, yeah.

I couldn't think of a Barbra Streisand song.

I don't know one either.

I just made it up.

Well, give me a Barbra Streisand.

Is there one?

What about the one with the eyes?

The one she played the Tessa? Oh, no. The one with the candle? Which one? Was that her? Hers is, let's see.
The woman in love. Mama, can you hear me? Which one's that? No more tears.
Papa, can you hear me? Yeah, is that her? Papa, can you hear me? Is that Mama? It's Papa. It's Papa.
Papa, can you hear me? That's her, right? Papa, can you hear me? That's all I wanted. I wanted you to incorporate a fart with a real song thank you thank you so i wanted my point though is this so that night right you killed right killed if that girl right came up to you after that show jasmine jasmine and go hey baby killed it this is strongest 45 minutes i've ever seen because you would have to say that because you did that much time.
This is the strongest 45 minutes I've ever seen.

Because you would have to say that because you did that much time.

That's the strongest 45.

I didn't know that the headliner went up before the headliner.

I had no idea that the opener does way more time than the headliner.

Yeah, like way more time. 20 minutes longer.

Yeah.

And anyway, let's smash.

So would you have smashed her that night?

No.

If you didn't know.

No. If you didn't know, though.
If I didn't know, of course. No, I wouldn't smash because you get there and then you go, oh.
Let me tell you something. What is this right here? I want to know what you do in the, oh.
What's the matter? I want to know. I want to know what you do.
Look, Jasmine's right there. There she is.
Hi. Hey, how you doing? So nice hour.
Okay. Very strong.
So what hotel are you staying at? Black Magic. You feel that? You know, I'm going to leave.
That was the closest thing I've ever heard. Hold on, hold on.
Don't be. If you say black magic to a woman and you point like that, I suggest edit that out.
Edit that out. Cut that out.
I'm going to the police if you do that. Not smooth.
So you said it's not smooth. Imagine if you did that to your daughter.
Yeah.

Police.

Black magic.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

You're walking down the street with your kids.

San Diego, right?

You see the way she covered herself? Two in the morning. Black magic.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Hello, police.

A little black magic is running around the streets.

They would know.

You're awesome.

Right away.

You're in the room with Jazz.

Yeah.

And she says, hey, let's get naked.

Right.

So you would make out, right, because you wouldn't know. You would never ask, are you a guy? That's fair.
So your tongue is now with his tongue. Her tongue.
So they're lacing with passion. They're fucking lacing.
Okay, now. Takes down her pants.
Let's keep moving. She takes off your pants.
Say lacing again. I like the way you're l the way you're lacing with passion those are your tongues right oh yeah yeah okay man i don't know what the fuck that was but you just so you guys are making out your clothes start to come off come on right and you know it's so hot and heated dude hot the tip of your penis right there's little squirts of black Liquid form, though.
A little bit of black magic coming out. Liquid form, liquid form.
I'm going to feel like I'm ready. Right, coming out, right, right? And then you're like, okay.
Now she starts blowing you. Now you don't ask.
In a situation, you never ask, hey, are you? What is that, Fonzie? That's him. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, are you a man? You're not going that you're gonna get the blowjob yeah you're getting it right because you're just assuming everything's fine and can I say something doc doing what I do it's the best blowjob it's the best head you've ever had killer I mean it's no not the two hands not only that where you have to say every once in a while stop for a a second.
Slow down, slow down, slow down. Yeah, yeah, because I'm getting there.

I'm fading out.

I'm fading out.

Right, you're fading out, dude.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Because you're waiting.

Honestly, don't touch Rudy.

Yeah, don't.

I'm sorry.

A little distance.

It's insane.

It's insane.

It's insane.

Don't do that.

It seems gross to me right now.

Yeah, don't.

You don't do a goddamn story.

Listen. Yeah.
So it's going really well. You're getting really close.
Getting close, right? Because you're saving, because you're like, in every guy's mind, when all this is happening, you're like, is the main event going to happen? Right. Is this just going to be the end of the show? Which would have been fine.
Totally. I like a pre-show.
Sure. Love a show.
Right? Put out Love a show. Put out the pre-show.
The opening act goes out. They go, the headletters are sick.
That's fine. Fine.
But I want to see the main show. I do want to see the main show.
Oh yeah. Curtains.
Main show's happening. Curtains.
Curtains. You call it the curtains? That's hilarious.
I love your lingo. So you slowly pull.
Her pants down. Yeah Yeah, pull your pants down.
And look at those pants. Right.
Those are. Now, you can't get them.
She's on her back. You're pulling.
You can't get them off. Why? Why, Andrew? Why can't he pull the pants down? Her belt's on.
Oh, the belt's on. But then he took the belt.
Yeah, you're right. Like an idiot.
Like an idiot. Bobby a little bit rusty.
Oh, she's also wearing Mork and Mindy suspenders.

Right, right, right.

Mork and Mindy?

So we have to take those off too.

Right, right, right.

So we take the fucking belt off.

We take the Mork and Mindy,

the colorful rainbow suspenders off, right?

I don't know.

We take those off, right?

And then still you can't take the pants.

I wonder why.

Can't take them off.

Can't take them off.

Interesting.

Because there's a...

Right. What is that? I don't know what this is.
Okay. Right, right? Oh, okay, okay.
Yeah. Yeah.
So my point is that... So now you pull it up finally.
Right? It does that too. Right? Now you're already...
Like a little doorstop. This woman's already sucked your dick.
You've already done this with the tongue. Yeah.
The thing that you were doing. Yeah.
Which is what you call... What do you call it? What do you call it? Lacing with passion.
Lacing with passion. We gotta write all these things up.
This is the book we're writing, right? Put that down. Lacing with passion.
Lacing with passion. That's a beautiful term.
What do you say? want to know what doc says to get out of the

situation yeah i'm gonna go wow i didn't know you had one of those uh she goes is that a problem is that a problem yeah yeah it's a goddamn problem yeah what would you really say if look by the way she might be i don't know she might not have uh she might not she might have already gone through the surgery i don't know so what if she pilled on her pants and it's a surgical new vagina how would I know though exactly this is how you would know exactly you come you lay next to each other you're almost in love she looks at're almost in love. He looks at you.
Oh, she looks at you.

She looks at you.

She goes, do you like fucking my...

Brand new...

My penis split in half, tucked inside my body, and you sticking your penis in the inside

of my surgical penis.

So we kind of like, you fucked the inside of my penis.

Okay.

Okay.

I've never been in that situation.

That's one of those... But you know what? You ever had like...
Imagine him explaining this guy Explaining that to me Oh that's unique That's something different That being said One of the fucking best That being said is hilarious. I think you should give it a shot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doc.
Give it a shot. That's the point.
The thing that Bobby and I are trying to teach you is be open because you don't know. What if you fall in love with Pimp Aaliyah? Pimp Aaliyah.
With Aaliyah Jasmine. She's way out of his league.
What did you say, fans? She's way out of his league. She's way out of his league.
That's hurtful, Fance? She's way out of his league.

She's way out of his league.

That's hurtful.

I'll take that.

Don't take that.

It's true, but don't take it.

My self-esteem so long.

I also want to know what else is on this dream board.

What else is on your vision board? Because you have a house on it, so you put a mansion on there.

Whose mansion did you put it on there?

It's in Studio City.

In the valley.

There is a real house.

There's a real house. You went to some guy's house, took a photo of it, printed it out.
I got that motherfucker, drove my car, parked, walked in front of it, and snapped a picture of it. I'll imagine that.
How scary would you? Now, we live in the house. Just a little tiny black guy comes up on my lawn.
Imagine. You know what? I wouldn't even say it.
I would think that I imagined it. Yeah.
Because a little black guy is like you. I'm hallucinating.
Yeah. Did a portal open up from mythological land and this little black magical guy comes up with a...
Are you saying fucking magical? Can I tell you something? If aliens do come down and take over people's bodies to do documentation, 100% I believe that you are an alien. That little black magic body, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick,

swaddling up to my lawn,

and then getting back

and going away.

I believe that you're a little black magic alien.

That could be. You never know.

Do you remember in Jurassic Park 2

when the dinosaur finally makes it to San

Diego? Yeah.

There's a little kid who wakes up at his, you know what I mean?

Yeah. The second floor of his

house. Yeah.
You know, and he sees a T-Rex in his fucking, right by the pool, right? You know, and he does one of those things where he wakes up his parents and he doesn't scream. He goes, there's a dinosaur outside.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Casually.
I think that's what I would do if I saw him. There's a little black man inside.
I'd say it right to my parents, and they'd be like, go back to sleep, Johnny. You're crazy.
So you took a picture of this man's house. It's on your board.
Took a picture. Put it on the board.
I don't think there's nothing wrong with that. No.
I think it's cute. That's why I'm laughing.
You don't think it's wrong. It's so cute.
And it's not like I'm not in Beverly Hills taking pictures. I just went to a regular street and just said, this house right here.
So you're going to get a house next year, Doc. I believe it.
Yeah. I believe you're going to get a house.
I believe you're going to get- Probably not that house. No.
No chance. Probably not that house.
Just a house, though. Don't hate on me yet.
Don't hate on me yet. I think we can get you a house somewhere in Chatsworth or- Chatsworth? Yeah, yeah.
Or Santa Clarita. Don't be mean.
Don't be mean. What do you mean? Because Chatsworth is like a porn industry.
Let's try to get him a house in Studio City I mean no I'm sorry I'm curious to see the Oprah episode that he saw to inspire him to do the vision board he like saw something else? He like saw something. Yeah.
He went, holy shit. He went and bought fucking art paper to do the vision board.
Right, scissors. He went and did shit to do it.
The way y'all talking, y'all don't own a copy of The Secret, huh? Oh, my God. No, man, y'all don't believe it.
The Secret is real. I got to come.
Thank you so much for coming I know now This next step This next step Of the podcast Is it gonna be about you Explaining us the secret Yeah yeah The whole thing I really appreciate it Alright Thank you so much Is there a way Fancy you guys can just Edit Edit this part out What what Just put music over him Talking about what the secret is To us There's gonna be There's gonna be an hour telling me, man, the secret. You just put it out there.
It's going to come to you. Okay.
That's the secret. We're going to do it as a TED Talk.
Hello, everybody. Welcome to 2022, our new TED Talk series.
You guys excited? Yeah. Yeah, we're opening up with a great, oh, my God, a man.
I don't even know how to explain it. You explain it.
Hello, Fresh. Oh, I love Hello, Fresh.
When I see the box outside my door and I know that I get to open that thing up and cook food for my family. For your whole family.
And I give them fresh food. Fresh.
Really delicious ingredients. Yep.
Farm fresh pre-portioned ingredients, seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trip to the grocery store.
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HelloFresh is here to help with endless options to make cooking at home simple and enjoyable. Hey, man, they deliver those pre-portioned ingredients.
They're delicious. I've used it.
We actually very much enjoy it. 30 minutes or less.
That's how quick you can cook a meal. 20 minutes of recipes are on there, too.
And they got dessert to satisfy Bobby's Sweet Tooth. Yeah, yeah.
And check it out. HelloFresh is 72% cheaper than a restaurant meal of the same quality.
And you can save on an average of over $65 per month when you order HelloFresh instead of grocery shopping. That's huge.
Yeah, that's more money to put toward those other 2022 goals of yours. Go to HelloFresh.com slash BadFriends16 and use the code BadFriends16 for up to 16 free meals and three free gifts.
Go to HelloFresh.com slash BadFriends16 and use code BadFriends16 for up to 16 free meals and three free gifts. That's right.
HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. We're opening up tonight with a man who's got a vision.
Yeah. Bored.
Yeah. And he's here to tell you.
About manifestation. Manifestation.
Yes. Oh, yeah.
And about the secret. I don't know if you've heard of the secret, but secret The secret And finding the truth In the universe In the universe Ladies and gentlemen Professor Professor Sir Sir Sir He's been knighted And You know what I mean And And he has a degree What Yeah Professor Sir Sir Doc Willis Willis Williams Williams Williamson The The third.
The third. PhD.
Everyone's coming. Let's hear it.
Happy 2022. That's what I'm talking about.
Now, the secret. Now, you got to like in your heart know that the universe is the center of yourself.
Right? And then there are dimensions to yourself. Now, I don't really like to talk about dimensions because dimensions I get a little scared.
Especially after that shit Michio Kaku said about dimensions. Did you hear about that? Are you asking the audience a question? Yeah, yeah.
I'm asking all the world. No! See, that's it.
That's what I need, some participation.

But Menchia Kaku says

that scared the shit out of me. I'm gonna tell you that

about dimensions. Now!

This all connects to the goddamn...

What are we talking about again?

Holy shit.

This thing has gone off the rails

in the first 30 seconds.

Okay, okay, okay.

The secret. Okay, so anyway...
Yeah. The best thing in the world.
Oh, they viewed it as Mike. Perfect.
Thank you. And now people stand up and go, that was a bad one.
What's going on? Do we pay for this? Look at the fucking pamphlet. Where else can we go, Tony? Where's Tony Robbins? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was terrible. All right, so Pimpalia, the house, and one more thing is on your vision board.

Selling out theaters and stadiums.

I had selling out stadiums.

Do you really want to sell out stadiums?

Yeah.

You do?

Do you have any desire to do stadiums?

Can we start coffee shop?

I mean, sell out the belly room.

Yeah.

Let's go laundry, Matt. Coffee shop coffee shop let's just come hear me out then belly room maybe let's go laundromat Irish pub yes Irish pub is good laundromat Irish pub so you can learn from that okay right her bar mitzvah her bar mitzvah yeah yeah or quinceanera quinceanera sorry quinceanera okay and then move on to selling out stadiums go to clubs b rooms b rooms and then and then 50 years later who knows okay well I'm just saying 50 years wait a minute I'll be fucking you're right you're right yeah that was that was a little bit you know what you are you are a great comic doc you're gonna have a great 2022 great 2022.
And I believe it. You keep working as hard as you are, and it's going to work out.
I appreciate it. I loved the shock on his face when you started getting real legitimate laughs on that stage.
It was wild. No, I was happy for it.
He was out of pride. It was more of a pride.
I was so proud. Because you were nervous before the show.
Yeah, I was. Yeah, you were grumpy, actually.
You were trying to write something. You were like, come on, on man give me my space and like being like that guy yeah yeah bobby come on man stop messing with me right now he was so nervous so nervous i was man i was before every show that was a great show though so fun it's so fucking fun rudy do you have a vision board no i don't but if i had One would be To Sleep less Have a boyfriend Foster more dogs And meet Harry Styles Okay It's a good board It's a really good board She's kind of a stalker bro she said Harry Styles again she's like me don't try to don't try to felt your stalking on somebody else she's a teenies girl who has a crush on some pop star yours is a different thing my friend what's on your vision board Bob hello what's on your vision board teeth so I have 13 teeth you want more no i want the 13 i have missing you know that i went to the dentist and the dentist said you're missing 13 teeth that's a lot isn't it it's i i felt i honestly thought there's more than 13 teeth in the mouth i mean i just thought that that was how many how many teeth are in the mouth 20 i don't know 32 teeth because like father like daughter and you know i thought in my in my head i'm like how am i influencing juliana you know in my house because she's lived with me for a couple years since high school and stuff and whatnot and it's like am i having any kind of influence on her life of course and it turns out that i do because she went to the dentist and go what did the dentist say what do they say rude i have nine cavities nine yeah yeah so that's so many so many so when i heard that it was like her saying i just got straight a's you know i as a proud parent, I literally had tears in my eyes.

And I go,

I'm so proud of you, buddy.

You know what I mean?

My little muck mouth.

My little muck mouth.

Little muck mouth.

Wait a minute.

Seriously?

Nine fucking cavities?

What are you sucking on sugar cubes before I go to bed?

George had nine cavities too.

George had nine cavities as well?

Listen to the rat.

Did you see that?

The dentist was a liar.

I think his body's in. The dentist was a liar? Yep, he was just getting me for money.
So you think he filled in cavities that weren't there? My teeth hurt much worse after he got done with them than before. Oh, really? He looked at him like, yeah, yeah, 52 cavities, kid.
Like, you don't question it? Give me the fucking x-rays. Nine cavities, Rudy Jules? How are you ending up with that many? I don't know.
My parents never took me to the dentist. Do you brush your teeth? Yeah.
How many times a day? Two. Do you floss? Yeah.
Do you drink sugary drinks? No. Nope.
Is this all fake? She's full of shit? I floss! Never seen you floss. Why'd you roll your eyes this now? Why'd you roll your eyes this now? Right? Because you know.
I live with her. Never seen her floss.
There's never been a floss near you. I have three flosses.
You have three flosses? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the same rope you use? Which one of the rope I use today? She does use mouthwash.
Yeah, because sometimes I use yours. Listerine.
The Listerine. It's the only one that you can use.
It's the one that kills real germs. Do you have cavities, Doc? Look at them.
I got a bunch of them. You got a bunch? Hell yeah, I got more than nine.
You gotta be a rookie to have only nine goddamn cavities. I got at least 15 of them.
I got them on the side of my tooth, on the top of my tooth.

I got these motherfuckers.

Yeah.

I'm proud of them.

They're probably blinged, your cavities.

Yeah, remember, I lost a tooth the other week.

I just told you. I was fucking lost.

Are they shiny, your cavities?

Yeah.

Okay.

What happened with the tooth that we talked about in San Diego?

I'm still working on it.

You're still working on getting the hole out of your tooth?

Yeah. We're getting the crown and stuff put in.
How long does that take? Do you order it from China? Where's the back order? Can I be honest with you? Yeah. I missed my dentist appointment.
I was drinking a little bit. A little bit too much the other day.
I had fun in my apartment. Doc, are we having trouble? Do we need to put away the bottle? No, man.
You're missing dentist appointments because you're getting lit up yeah because what happened is you're getting lit up during the days though that's what makes it scary everybody drinks during the day everybody who drinks drinks during the day that's facts you can google that does everybody drink during the day George google that honestly day drink is what they call it everybody drinks during the day you can google it that's facts Andrew we might have a problem we do we have a problem ultimately drinking during the day is no worries for some people but it sounds like you're missing appointments and that's bad who wrote that quote charles bukowski that sounds bad doc yeah it just was just this one time that's what they all say it was just this one time yeah no no you did you've been doing it you've been doing it been doing what drinking during during the day yeah that's the only time drink. I can't drink at night.
Why not? Because I have to go to bed for work the next day. That's true.
He has to go to bed. I forgot the bed part.
If I left in England, this wouldn't be a problem. Shout out to London.
Shout out to Ireland. Stop shouting out cities and countries.
That's how funny this guy is. He's doing it again.
He's doing his thing again. We need an intervention, I think.
We do. Man, don't do this.
I think we need an intervention i think we do yeah in fact we have to write down our feelings right and how it hurts us your behavior has affected me in the following ways yeah you're missing dental appointments getting holes in your teeth also your visions are out of whack yeah your visions are what you say black say black magic and point your finger at strangers you don't like that's alcoholism that's in the big book but now that it's New Year's Eve New Year's resolutions your New Year's revolution and resolution should be put it away be gentle put what away. Be gentle.
Put what away?

You got to put away the sauce.

Oh, that's, man, hey, man, that's like some kind of black home, that's some crime.

Y'all ain't, y'all fucking, hey, man, you don't do that.

Don't point at me.

Jules, could you talk to them?

Jules, say something.

They ain't there against.

I think you need to stop. There we go.
Listen up. There we go.
Listen up. You need to stop, dude.
Okay. All right.
All right. So now he's taking the fun stuff off his face.
Yeah, put the fun stuff on. Put the fun stuff.
Yeah, put it back on his face. I wasn't taking it off his fellow.
Oh, sorry about that. Let me say this.
Let's shift gears. All right.
We have had such a good time adding little black magic to the show has been amazing keeping rudy jewels in town i'm appreciative for the following things about the show we go my little fancy b looks so good today here we go george that jacket is fire uh little rudy jewels not going away far away to college and staying with us on the show means a lot to me i appreciate it little black magic what an addition you are to show. Although we might have to put you in a center next year.
In a treatment center. I've been to all of them.
Yeah, he's been to a bunch of them. He's got like a, what is it? One of those cards.
Where you can go back. Welcome back.
Well, it's like a gift card. I can give you a gift card.
We can go. Anyway, Doc? Yeah.
Because you know that I'm a recovering alcoholic as well.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah, I remember.

Okay.

You was a fucking mess back then.

McGuire.

Okay.

Can we talk about it?

Well, we're not judging.

No, it's not judging.

We're not talking about me.

We don't have a problem here, baby.

Come in there.

Oh, fuck.

Okay, go ahead.

Doc, you're the one that literally has a problem. You blacked out and missed a fucking dentist appointment at like noon.
So this is what this is about. This is about old Doc Wallace.
Okay. You know, here's the deal, dude.
Okay? Yeah. You know, before you came to this podcast, we had every once in a while talked about you.
Okay?

How we love your magical energy.

We do, man.

And we've heard about the black magic.

We've heard about the folklore, right?

And the books and the fables.

We know all about it.

We know.

Right?

And we brought you in, right?

We go, this is a good chemistry.

Yeah.

It fits well.

We find that your random things that you say

and your point of view to be different than ours, and I think it works. It works.
Yeah. I love y'all too, man.
All right. I love you too.
In the new year. I'm going to go to the Philippines.
Show me that thing you were going to. What is that thing? I have a good time.
We got some New Year's traditions. By the way, in Korean New Year's tradition is sebae.
How do you say that? Sebae, baby. What is sebae, baby? I have no idea.
I've never heard of it before. Well, children pay their respect to their elders on New Year's Day with a traditional respectful bow.
The children perform a traditional bow to the floor while saying, can you read that? Make it big so he can read that. Because it's sehei bak mai boris.
Yeah, you're saying it wrong. All right.
Here we go. What is it? Sehei bak mai boris.
Boris. Sahei bak mai boris.
Sahei bak mai boris. And then what does it say?

The next part of it,

which means please receive much fortune in the new year.

We have the bow here.

We have the example of the bow if we want Rudy to do it.

Yeah, Rudy, will you do it?

Oh, Rudy will.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, this is the bow.

Where are you going, man?

Let's see it.

Look, look, look. Korean class 101 Bob How to bow Okay I know how to fucking bow man In Korea when men bow Right hand on our left hand Okay and cover your penis Right And you cover your penis Right over Oh you That's a different kind of bow full-blown that's a huge yeah i'm gonna go 50 yeah i'm not gonna go 100 i see okay who started the bow that looks like a burpee that looks like an up down he's doing exercises i wonder who started the bow that's interesting pause that where did the bow come from i think it was somebody that was trying to one- up A guy that was waving Yeah some guy right at town Imagine this some guy in town Chucky In Korea? No yeah yeah Choco Imagine a town There was a guy named Choco He.
Right? And all the women love it. Yeah.
Yeah. You know how the Asian women, they giggle? Yeah.
There you go. Look at Choco.
He puts his shoulder into it, right? And then he does a little... Oh, a little Choco dance.
Yeah, a little Choco dance afterwards, right? But there was a guy named Bilo. Oh, Bilo.
Bilo. Oh, Bilo.
I hate him. Why does he not like him? He's waving.
Every day, wave, wave. All the women squirt, squirt.
Out of the, you know, the boji, how we sing. Boji, boji.
Squirt, boji, squirt. Oh, how can I? What do I do? I got to come up.
What if I bow with my body? Wave with my body. Oh, a body wave.
Body wave. But I can't go side to side looks weird right so he's in the mirror going right he's in the mirror going you know he did that what if I do oh that looks too much on my oh oh oh forward body wave there was probably guys in the room Yeah They went Oh When he did that Oh Shit That's his thing He came up with it So Koji did it Yeah No no no Choco Choco Bilo Bilo Bilo did it Wow Yeah yeah yeah That's where the bow comes from That's where the bow comes from You learned something on this show Let me see that.
I'm sorry that was a long way to go for that story, but I like the story. I don't care what you say.
Give me the Irish tradition. Let me see.
What do we do? Don't you guys fall? Because you're drunk so much? We black out. Yeah, we tripped and fall.
That's not a bow, really, right? No. Oh, the banging bread for bad luck.
Yep. What do you guys do? Explain that.
Never heard of this in my entire fucking life.

Another Irish superstition has passed the test of time.

Involves banging on the doors and walls

of the family home with Christmas bread. It's all about chasing

bad luck out of the house and inviting good spirits

in for the new year. So we're supposed to bang

Christmas bread against the walls.

Is this Christmas bread?

Yep. Oh, this is

good. Alright, bang the walls.

Everybody bang the walls.

Bang the walls. Everybody bang the walls.

Bang the walls.

Do you think we're chasing out the spirits?

Be gone, spirits!

Get out of here!

Get out of here, spirits!

I don't know if spirits are gluten-free.

Do you think they are?

No, yeah.

Too much yeast for the spirits.

And Italian, look at this,

smashing plates and glasses, vases,

pottery against the ground to drive away any bad omens. This is good.
Hey, Francisco. Sally left.
She left me finally. I am so sorry, mister.
Sally left. I don't know what to do, man.
I'm just like, I'll tear up my back. Don't do it.
Don't. You're going to lose your mind

Be careful

You want me to go crazy?

No please

Francisco

You want me to go crazy

No please don't do it

No don't do it

I did it

I lose my mind

Did you see that?

You did it

That shit worked

That shit worked

Are you alright?

Holy shit it worked

Yeah yeah

Fuck

I'm going, go ahead. Come here.
All right, me? All right, all right. Fuck! How fun is that? Yeah's really fun alright watch the eyes man sorry Rudy do Doc over the head yeah do it over the head it's not gonna hurt Rudy you can do it yeah yeah yeah for the hood damn that was more than a you hate me she seemed like she hate me with that one.
That was good. It's amazing.
It was good. It's amazing.
Hey. Yeah.
Do it to her. No, that one's harder.
It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt.
It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt.
It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.
Hey, man. Do it.
This ain't. Close your eyes.
Close your eyes. Close your eyes.
Ready? Yeah, yeah. The way you did that, dude, was so hard.

I didn't know how to fall.

Oh, my God.

What? What?

You a fucking asshole?

I didn't know if it fucking worked.

Oh, my God.

They exploded under air, dude.

You're a bully.

You're a bully.

You're a bully, dude.

Holy shit.

It definitely worked, didn't it?

Yeah, it did work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did it hurt, Rudy?

A little bit. Yeah, but it's fun, though, right? It's fun, though, too, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me that glass. This one? Yeah.
Bobby's got to do it to me. The best thing is- This is heavy.
I know. The best is running through- This is, like, actually heavy.
Yeah. Running out of a glass.
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slash Spotify to get started with Zillow Showcase. If this were a Reese's TV ad, you'd be staring at a Reese's peanut butter cup.
And sure, my voice is peanut buttery smooth, but still, you need to see the peanut butter cups, right? No? I can really just say Reese's and you'll go get some? Okay.

Reese's.

Reese's.

Reese's.

Really working, actually. No? I can really just say Reese's and you'll go get some? Okay.
Reese's. Reese's.
Reese's.

Really working, actually.

Reese's. Reese's.

This, I'm on to something.

Reese's. Reese's.
Reese's.

Last window, like when you're on set. Have you ever done that?

Oh, yeah, running through it.

That's the best.

It is. What do you got? Give me one of those.
Yeah, yeah. Let Bobby smash me over the head with this thing.
Go ahead. You little scat-a-waggle.
Yeah, and we're in a bar. Yeah, you are? Oh, yeah.
What'd you call me? A fat little noodle. Oh, you little squag-a-waggle.
You little squag-a-waggle. You little noodle dumpling son of a bitch.
Oh, do something about it. Do something about it, you asshole.
Do something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fuck it. Dude, this is so fun.
Order more of these. Yeah, well, they have to clean it, which is sad, but it's okay.
Clean it up. Have fun, guys.
They're not going to clean it. That's amazing.
I love that. Sugar glass.
Sugar glass. Wait, you ran through a window? Oh, yeah.
At Mad TV, we used to have to go through windows and stuff. It was fun.
Out of sugar glass like this? Yeah, they used to go, we'll have a stuntman. I go, I want to do it.
Yeah, why not? I just straight through. Way more fun.
Way more fun. So fun.
Have you ever done that, Doc? You ever ran through sugar glass? No, that was my first time with the experience of sugar glass. Really? Yeah, it tastes like shit, though, when you try to eat it.
You're not supposed to eat it. You're not supposed to eat it.
You're not supposed to eat it.

That's kind of the whole point.

You're not supposed to eat it.

Unbelievable.

I got one in my eye.

It got in my eye.

Oh, I'm sorry, dude.

No, it's not your fault.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got a little piece of it in my eyeball.

Wait, no.

You have to do it to George.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, come over here, George, please.

Kneel down here.

Kneel down right there.

Oh, man, George.

No, get him in the back.

He wants to go back there.

Wherever you want to go.

And then hit him with this Perrier bottle.

Alright.

Look at George has his

red undies on. Oh, look at the little

pee-pee pouch.

Mic it.

Mic it.

I've never shattered this in front of someone's dick.

Put your mic up so I can hear you.

Nobody can hear you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just wanted to see if this is sensitive enough

to break over, shatter over, like, that girthy penis.

Over a penis.

Beautiful girthy penis.

Got a nice penis, kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want me to try?

I think you said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just one little shot.

It's breakaway glass.

I know.

Just know that when it does break, your hand's going to go through and grab his penis.

Do the smaller one.

No.

No, no, no.

The big one is good.

The one is the big one.

Let's do it.

So you and I are at a bar.

We're talking.

Oh, yeah.

Give me that green one.

He's eating the bread.

He's eating the bread.

I don't know.

Spilling wine.

Oh, my God.

This guy.

This guy.

This guy. This guy.
This guy. This guy.
This guy. This guy.
Oh, it's champagne. This guy.
Okay. Now, we're ready.
It's a good thing we're moving out of the studio. All right, so me and you are drinking at a bar.
Ready? We're wasted. I got gotta tell you something.
This bartender's a real piece of

shit. A real piece of shit.

You know what his problem is, this guy?

He's been staring at us.

You got a problem with us, pal?

Oh, we're cut off!

Fucking cocksucker. I had to

fucking hit this bottle. Let me tell you something about

cut off, my friend. Let me tell

you something about cut off, my friend. Let me tell you something.
Happy New Year. If we did that, we'd be in a fucking year.
And you know what? The cop's like, what were you guys thinking? And we both go, worth it. Yeah.
It was worth it. George, I felt so good.
Thanks for letting us abuse you, buddy. Thank you, man.
Let's cheers to George. Hey.
Hey, George. Hey.
Oh, what is that stuff? Let Fancy talk about that. What is that? Explain to me what the Three Kings is all about.
So, after Jesus was born. After who? Jesus.
Jesus Christ. Okay, Jesus Christ.
He is born on the 25th of December, as you know. So, the 6th of January, three different parts of the world came to visit him with gifts.
What parts of the world? Like SoCal? I mean, where? Yeah, where are they from? Bakersfield? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, one is from Africa orient and one is well what's from the orient i didn't know that yes oh i didn't know that right so and they give gifts to kids so uh in spain we didn't have santa until a few years ago so uh santa never made it to spain he's no he skipped spain this is this actually is kind of dope yeah i want to wear mine this robe i mean this look does this look cool fans that looks awesome wait so which one am i from so doc is the one that's from africa which i don't know why like it could have been gone to me or bobby bobby's the chinaman yes there's no chinese hidi hidi that's what i would say why do i why do i always see you always go toiri Hiri.
I don't know, but I love it. Hiri Hiri.

It's one of my things.

What's this?

Oh, that's a headpiece.

Egyptian headpiece.

Okay.

I had no idea.

Bro.

You look. Zero Dark Thirty.

You look.

Do I look like I'm from Zero Dark Thirty?

So good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You look like a little Egyptian prince right now.

I don't know where Osama bin Laden is.

Zero's our Dark Thirty.

But you do know.

I do know, but I don't.

Like I saw him yesterday, but I didn't.

Right?

I'm that guy.

So here we go.

This is the kings, huh?

We three kings.

So we come into town.

We come into town, right?

Us three come into town.

Yeah.

And what is Jules?

Our slave. No, they don't have have slaves Do the three kings have slaves? They have no Followers Gentlemen, whatever Like the people who wrangle the camels Oh, a camel wrangler But aren't there girls we hang out with That we just throw rocks at? Yeah Coccubines Yeah, so you're my You're a rock girl Every once in a while we're traveling I want to throw a rock at somebody Doc Coccubines.
Yeah, so you're our rock girl. Every once in a while we're traveling, I want to throw a rock at somebody.
Doc. Coccubines.
You're going to have somebody to conquer. Yeah.
All right, so it's a car. Concu, so she's no.
She's our family. She's a family.
She's our camel wrangler. Yeah, yeah.
We're spiritual people. We don't do anything like that.
No, dude. We're sons of the Lord.
We're good people. So that, so.
What does this script? Pete got us a script. Can I improvise? Because I have my own lines.
Yeah, he has his own. Who am I playing? Well, you can play Conrad.
I'll play Conrad. All right.
This is Three Kings. I'm the Chinese king? Here, do you want to watch the...
This is from the movie The Three Kings. Oh, I didn't know there was a movie.
Oh, Three Kings, the Spike... Not Spike.
Who did The Three Kings? Spike Jones. Spike Jones.
All right, let's... David O.
Russell. David O.
Russell. Yeah, he did it.
I don't want to see it. Let's do it ourselves.
I want to see what we do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll make up what we do. Yeah, but Pete fucked it up.
This has nothing to do with my Three Kings. Pete fucked it up? Yeah, these three kings have nothing to do with the real three kings.
Yeah, I know. One's about the fucking war.
All right, who's who? Am I Conrad? I've got to be Conrad because I memorized my opening line. All right, I'll be Troy and then- Can you zoom in because my eyes are blurred? And then you're Chief, okay? Doc, you're Chief.
Yes, sir. Okay.
All right, go ahead. Oh, yeah.
Is that the first line? All right chief keith herey herey herey what is this i have to say here herey herey herey what is this is a suit jacket the iraqis gave it to me i didn't recognize you with it. Fits alright, right?

Yeah!

Is that me? Bad line

to me? Yeah, bad. Bad line.
See, give me

the line again then. It fits alright,

right?

Yeah. Hey, Chief!

We need your help!

Chief runs over to Troy and Conrad. I'm okay.
Where's the head? There's no T. Yeah, yeah.
Do it again. Where's he hit? It's in and out.
I think it's just above his collarbone. Where's the Jesus fire?

It's all around you right

now. God damn.
You done

went past her? Yeah. It's okay.

Can I say my line again? I didn't like it. Yeah, say it

again. Yeah, yeah.
Where's

the line?

I didn't memorize it. Where's the Jesus fire?

I'm too chief. I look at chief.

Where's

the Jesus fire? It's all around you right now conrad you're gonna be all right such a big pause for a comment you're gonna be all right man don't give a line reading dude that's fucking probably the worst line you're the other actor dude okay go back to the line watch me do doc's line better than doc okay i'll do Doc's line the way he should have done. Ready? You say, where's the-

I'll do Doc.

Go ahead.

Where's the Jesus?

Do it.

Hold on.

I got to say my line again now, all right?

Where?

Here he.

Here he, here he, here he.

Where's the Jesus fire?

It's all around you right now, Conrad.

You're going to be all right.

You're going to be all right, man.

Who did it better?

Wait.

Can I recast you?

Yes.

It's cute.

It's me.

Yeah.

I'm going to do Doc.

Why don't we do the- Let me be Doc. We do an Eddie Murphy thing where you play different roles.
Right? Where you play different roles. Yeah.
All right? You're out. We put a fat suit on and do the whole thing.
You're out. You're out.
All right. Go ahead.
This is a table where you fucked up, bro. You fucked up.
You're fired. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is NBC. In fact, I want to do my line again because I don't want to get fired either.
Where's the Jesus fire? It's all around you right now, Conrad. You're going to be all right.
You're going to be all right, man. Go down, go down, go down.
Man, I'm killing Doc. That's the scene? Yeah.
No, it's 204. All right.
What? What are you doing? I'm going to hell. Okay.
I know the line. Oh, he's cold.
I'm going to hell. You're going to be fine.
You take me to one of them shrines that gives you comfort and erases all the bad things you did. Hey, we made the right choice today, Conrad.
You stop with that shrine shit. Everything's going to be okay.
You think so? I know so. We're getting out of here.
Lord Jesus, save this man. Give him another shot.
He's not a bad man, Lord. Andrew, give him another shot.
That was the rule. You were just kidding.
Go ahead. Give him another.
Lord Jesus, save this man. He's not a bad man, Lord.
Look after him and help him if you can. Okay, stop.
Oh, our father who art in goddamn heaven. No.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. You were fired three lines ago.
Right? And I gave you your chop back and that's what you fucking did? I thought I did. That was Oscar.
Now, let me do that. Let Andrew do the line.
Now, go to the line before. I'll show you how the line's supposed to be set.
Go to the line before. Yeah, go to the line before.
Where's the line? All right, here we go. All right.
You think so? I know. We're getting out of here.
No, no, no. But do it for real.
Ready? You just do the Troy line. I'm giving you your lines so that you can read the chief line.
I know. We're going to switch Troy and Conrad.
Ready? You think so? What are you doing?

I'm going to do...

We're switching.

So I'm going to do that.

Who am I playing?

Troy.

Just do Troy.

All right.

Here we go.

You think so?

I know so.

We're getting out of here.

Lord Jesus, say this, man.

He's not a bad man.

Lord, look after him and help him if you can.

Our father who art in heaven.

Bro. Oscar.
I would have casted you in the room. Oscar.
I would have casted you in the room. I would have casted you in the room.
Bro. You're gone, dude.
Warm up the car. Yeah, yeah.
I love this outfit. I love these outfits.
We're three kings. You look genuinely good.
I feel great, dude. You look good.
Yeah. I feel like working with wires.
Not in a good way. What are you doing with wires? I'm making an iPhone.
You can make an iPhone? With two wires and a piece of metal. You think? Yeah.
Is this strong enough to cut this blue? Yes, it is. No.
No. Sugar glass.
Can't do it. Oh, wow.
Hey. Hey.
Hey. To the Bad Friends crew.
Bad Friends. We did it.
We did it. Great couple years.
Couple years we did it Happy New Year bud Hey To many more years To many moons and many mans To many mans and many moons And many moon mans I'm gonna tell you something that happened It's really nice Yesterday I came home right Yeah And inside our house Was A pit bull It's fine right But this pit right, has 10 puppies that's inside her belly and we're giving birth. She was due two days ago.
We literally have... We're giving birth to a dog this weekend.
Are you excited? I hope the puppies stay alive and don't die, though. Holy shit.
Yeah, because they say that that... So dark.
I know, but they say that a couple of puppies do die. I know, but it's like, don't think

about it like that. Right.
It's like, you know when you

think about the animals, sometimes I sit and I'm in

love with my dog and I look at her sometimes

and I'm like, she's not

going to be around forever. Don't

depress the fuck out of me right now. She just did it with the dead dog

thing. I know, but you just did it with that.
She just

made me feel like that. I know, don't depress the fuck out

of me right now. Bro, I have seven animals that I love more than most humans.

I would say all humans.

I don't think you love any human the much you love the animals.

I love them as much as I love Eric Griffin.

That's easy.

That's easy love.

That's easy love.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're going to give birth.

This thing's going to give birth this week.

Yeah.

This weekend.

Any day.

Any day now. Any second.
How many are you going to keep? None. What do you mean? That's the problem.
I've looked at these girls and I go, I know what's going to happen. A puppy's going to come out.
There's going to be a puppy that's going to be so cute that you're going to go. You're going to try to convince me to have another dog.
Yeah, should though no we shouldn't why not it's illegal how is it illegal you can't have more than four dogs google that that's not true it is that's not true yeah there's a legal number is there a legal limit to how many dogs you can have in your home in the state of california i don't buy that how many each household may have only four dogs or cats over the age of four months. Over the age of four months.

Aha! If you

have five or more, you're required to obtain a special permit,

but it's over four months, so you can have all those

puppies until they're four or five months.

Which is what the fuck we're doing right now.

They're not even born yet. I know, but we're

going to keep them until four months, but we can't keep them

legally. You can, and then

nobody knows. I know.
Who's going to really know?

No one. Who snitches on that stuff? Why don't you give one to Doc? Doc, you need a dog.
In a studio apartment, bro? That's going to be tight. It's a pit bull.
It's a pit bull. Pit bull? Yeah.
Give me two of them, Bob. Do you like- No, no.
Honestly, we have puppies that haven't been born yet. Yeah.
If you want a fresh puppy, right- Do you like pit bulls? I'm going to say something. I'll take one.
But Andrew, I'm going to say something that's a little stereotypical. What the fuck? Right? It's a little stereotypical.
Yeah. And to help me create the language.
Yeah. Will you help me create the language? Sure.
This dog, right, is for loving. Mm-hmm.
This dog is for coddles. Mm-hmm.
This dog is for companionship, best friend. Mm-hmm.
This dog is not for what? Uh-oh. No, I'm asking you, Andrew.
For what? Using. Uh-oh.
For what is it? Using it. As a prop? As a prop.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Very much so.

What am I saying?

You just called me Michael Vick a little bit.

No.

That's crazy.

That's far-fetched, and that's a step too far.

I didn't call you Michael Vick.

What do you think about that? Talk to me. She didn't call you Michael Vick.
Jules, what do you think about that?

Talk to me.

She doesn't know who Michael Vick is.

I don't know.

Good.

You don't want to know.

Michael Vick is an NFL football player that got in trouble for fighting pit bulls.

Are you going to do that?

You said that with innocence, but no, I don't. No.
Do you believe him, Jules? No. No.
Would you feel comfortable giving him two pit bulls? Yeah, me either. So I can get one.
No. What the fuck? Do you really want a puppy? Be real, dude.
I would love it if you got one. Yeah, we're not fucking around You want a puppy or not I want a puppy but Not in the studio I wouldn't do that to the dog It's like being impressed What do you mean Just take him on a lot of walks I know Dog can I just say this It's It's It's saved My life Yeah Having an animal Really Yeah it makes life worth living It's like Yeah it does When like when I drive home from the comic club,

I think, oh, I can't wait to see fucking pill bug face and Kalilah.

No, I want to see my dogs and my cats.

It's true.

Fuck, that was...

Yeah, it definitely made you a better person

if that's what it's elevated.

I think you should have a puppy.

I think you should have a puppy.

I think you should get a puppy.

I think I would love one. Why don't you come over? The puppies will be born.
Not no Yorkian pit bull mix. No shit like that.
Raw pit bull fuck. Apparently beggars can be choosers.
They can be, yeah. Prime example.
I mean, unbelievable. Unbelievable.
What do you care? It's a puppy. It's a dog.
It's a lovely little creature that's's gonna fall in love with you and be a part of your world and wanna just be happy and bring you joy and make you feel good and then you wanna feel and then you want it to feel good so you rub it's belly you're not a fully grown human being asking for things like that he wants to know if he's a trans puppy okay did you hear fancy let me say this. He wants to know if it's a trans puppy.

You want a trans puppy?

That's a funny joke.

That was too funny for you.

That callback was too funny.

Too funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, what about papers?

Can I get papers?

What are you talking about?

What do you mean?

What's fucking?

Because if you got a dog, Pitbull, that's got to have papers.

I want papers. Is it a champion breed? What are we talking about papers The way he says Pitbull is like the artist Pitbull Does he sing Pitbull songs Will he just sing Mr.
Worldwide songs He's also saying champion Which makes me scared What are you looking for Why do you want a Doc? Because I just want him to look good. Look muscular.

Yeah, but you don't look good.

You're a hater.

That's what the fuck is.

That right there.

No, you look good.

I'm so mean.

Why am I so mean?

Say something, God.

You know, dude, I think for my New Year's resolution, I think, is to be nicer to people.

Well, let's make real resolutions.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to be nicer to people.

Okay.

We'll go around the room.

Bobby, your New Year's resolution is what?

I'm going to start putting things in the hole What? The holes The holes? On my teeth Oh dude That's the weirdest way to say that I'm so sorry My bad I should've went around that the wrong way Fill in the holes in your mouth Yeah I'm gonna fill in the holes in my mouth Yeah That's number one Yeah Number two I'm, I'm going to be nicer to people. Everybody?

Yeah.

Everybody.

Yeah, I talk too much shit.

Okay, okay.

I talk shit behind people's backs.

I agree.

When they're in the room.

Yeah, when they're there.

But that's nice that you recognize me.

I don't want to do that anymore.

That's a good fault.

Okay.

That's good that you notice that.

Right.

I want to curb my anger.

You have to.

I know.

It's getting out of control.

We've been trying to- Right? We've been talking about it. Doc, shut the fuck up.
Thank you so... We were afraid...
Who was going to bring it up? Give me an example, people. We were going to bring it up, but yet you definitely do need to curb your anger because we're on the fence.
Okay, I know. All right, so stop.
Rudy, but I'm never mean to you. Yeah, but you're scary.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can be.

For sure, yeah.

There's no doubt.

So look, this is my resolution.

We're all talking about our faults.

You don't want to talk shit and be a bad shit talker.

I want to curb my anger very much, okay?

Go ahead, Doc.

I want to bring that vision board to life, you know what I'm saying?

You said you took it down.

Yeah, but I really want to make those dreams come true, you know what I mean? Is that real? I don't know if I can support that. You have to support it.
Don't be an asshole. It just sounds not real.
I know, but we have to support it. He wants three things.
A house. He wants a house.
He wants to sell out stadiums like Sebastian. And an Instagram model girlfriend.
And he wants an Instagram model girlfriend that doesn't have a penis. Girlfriend or wife? Yeah, yeah.
Wife.

Wife. Yeah, I'm ready.
Those are the three things

you need. You're going to get married, buy a house

and sell out stadiums in 2022.

And be Kevin Hart in 2022. That's what I'm trying

to tell you. Fill it.

All right.

Can we clip this and make sure we play this next year

on next year?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rudy, what's yours?

Rudy, what's yours?

I'll try to be more happy being here. Boy, do I know when some resolutions aren't gonna fucking come through.
It's gonna happen. Why are you not happy being here? I think she is.
Can I be honest with you? She is. There is a little bit of an uptick in terms of your enthusiasm to do it.
Yeah. Yeah, but try harder, please.
She is trying. I think today was good.
No, she is. All right, what's yours, fans? I'm going to make the Bad Friends movie, and we're going to make a hit next year.
We are going to make the Bad Friends movie. We're going to go film in Spain at the end of the year.
George, what's yours? Mine is to stand up for myself more.

Shut up, you fucking bitch.

Piece of shit, you bitch.

You little fucking bitch.

Get in here and speak the shit out of you.

He wants to do his stand-up again.

Milk your tits, bitch.

Milk your fucking little fat tits, you bitch.

Sorry I talked, guys.

Yeah, yeah.

Shut your mouth.

Do a New Year's prayer, you guys.

Together.

Both of you.

Go.

Dear Lord. Mm-hmm.
Line by line, each one switch. Thank you for Bobby and Santino, our bad friends.
You're welcome. Thank you for the love that they have to offer.
That we have to? Yeah. Is it a requirement? Yeah.
Thank you for fancying the guys in the back even though they don't do much that's not the right they do thank you for the food that andreas and george always gives me that's true this bread was kind of stale. You think it was? A little bit.
No, but okay. Well, thank you.
And we love y'all. Thank y'all for all the listeners.
Even the negative ones. We love you.
Thank you for being a bad friend. What do the Spaniards do? Scumbags.
Red underwear? Bringing into the new year, wearing red underwear as a New Year's tradition popular in Spain. If somebody's giving you red underwear, it's a gift that's even luckier.
Fancy? True. What is that? Red underwear.
Wait a minute. It's big enough to wear over your clothes.
Do you have red underwear on, fans? I will in a minute. Hey, Andrew.
Yeah. I think we need a writing staff.
Yeah. This has gotten out of control.
This has gotten out of control. We need a writing staff.
I mean, I don't know what to do with this. That's a bit.
I don't know either. Made in China.
Made in China. Okay.

He said it big enough to put over your clothes.

Yeah, we heard him.

We heard him.

Okay.

Not going to do it.

No.

No, it's insane.

It's insane. Woo-hoo.
Yeah.

Woo-hoo.