The Ghost of Beaver Lane

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You two are bad friends

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude

You two are disgusting

You two are something

We're bad friends

I don't want to talk about it

Thank you. A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. I don't want to talk about it, but I want to say that your fear is obvious.
What is my fear? I don't know. What's my fear? You don't have it.
What's my fear? That you go up there with no material and you just show your penis and then that's the show? That's not my fear. You think that's what I'm going to do up there? That's a reality.
You think that's what I'm going to do up there? Show my penis and say goodnight? Bet me a thousand dollars, you won't show a part of your body on stage. If you told me not to Bet me a thousand dollars, you won't show a part of your body.
I'll bet you a thousand dollars and I'm going to say this too, okay? And you have to do only material for a half an hour straight. No, I'm not.
I'm doing a guest spot. I'm not doing a fucking feature spot.
You're doing a half an hour, bub. I'm not going to be there Saturday then.
I dictate the rules. I dictate the rules.
I'm a baby. I'm the baby.
I dictate the rules. I say what I want to do.
Yeah. Yeah? Hi, Jules.
Hi. I'm so happy that you're here.
I thought you weren't going to. All right.
Yeah, she's in a. Why are you in a bad mood?

Because she's a beach girl.

Yeah, she goes to the beach in the mornings.

And then she comes home all grumpy.

And like, I went to the beach.

Leave me alone.

I'm a beach girl.

What's your deal?

Nothing.

I'm just tired.

Dude, your whole fucking life is tiring.

What do you do?

You don't do anything.

How can you be tired?

We just went diving.

That's it. I was tired from it.
Glad you're here. No.
I was just about to say, so nice to see you. I have to live with this shit.
I know. It's a fucking nightmare.
Move in with me. I know.
It's like me and you should just get a house together. Bro, if you and I lived together.
How fun would that be? It'd be fun for the first 48 hours. We'd be dead after that.
100%. Yeah.
But who cares? So for 48 hours, it'd be fun. The first 24, civil.
The last 24, insane. That would be our 48 hours of the film.
I would stick dynamite in your butthole. Am I Nick Nolte in this scenario? In what movie? In 48 hours.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't it Nick Nolte? Nick Nolte.
It is Nick Nolte. Who else is in 40? Eddie Murphy.
Eddie Murphy, yeah. Am I Nick Nolte? this scenario? In what movie? In 48 Hours.
Oh yeah yeah yeah. Isn't it Nick Nolte? It is Nick Nolte.
Who else is in 40? Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy.
Am I Nick Nolte? So I'm Eddie Murphy? You gotta be. Thank you.
Do your best Eddie impression right now. Perfect.
That was my Eddie Murphy laugh. How's that? Do it again.
I don't even know. Give me Eddie Murphy's laugh.
I want to see if I can do it. Oh that's it.
I don't even know. What? Give me Eddie Murphy's laugh.

I want to see if I can do it.

Oh, that's it.

Yeah, mine was fucked.

Do your Eddie Murphy laugh.

Pretty good.

Pretty good.

Pretty good, actually.

I'm not going to lie.

It's either something like Eddie Murphy or She Was Being Choked by a pygmy.

By the way, you've never seen this movie, have you?

48 Hours?

No, there's no way.

It's a great fucking movie. Great movie.
Yeah. Look at how young Eddie looks right there.
And Nick Nolte is the same age, and he looks 100. Yeah.
They're really, they're not that far in age. I don't think when he did that movie, he was pretty young.
When he talks, I hear 1,000 people. Who? Nick Nolte? Nick Nolte? There's like 1,000 voices coming out of one voice.
It's so good. Yeah, like it's one of those voices where you record, and you play it backwards.
There's other messages you hear ghosts In the background Yeah yeah yeah That thing And then they do it Yeah That was a good movie Hey what did you do For Turkey Day Hey man what's up Good to see you What did you do For Thanksgiving I love it Did you get my invite I invited you guys To come to my Thanksgiving In Chicago Yeah Yeah I got it You I got it. You didn't want to come? Was I there? No.
There you go. All right.
But I looked at your cute family on the Zoom. Oh, I know.
We called you on the Zoom. We were wasted.
Your mom is attractive. Yeah.
Yeah, she's a babe. She really is.
I know. Look at me.
For a second, I'll be honest with you And don't get angry I'm about to I can feel it But I just want to be honest with you Because you're my friend I want you to be honest with me Yeah For a split second I would give her penetration eyes Oh you tried No just penetration eyes Do it One of those Do it to the camera So they can see Oh Wow dude And she was like I saw goosebumps on her face Well she choked on water yeah for some reason she was goosebumps on her face and then she i think did a mini climax what really yeah i was right there there's some i know wow yeah you did it but she's pretty hot she's a babe i got a babe for a mom yeah it was nice it was nice to go just cute that's enough Why? We're an attractive family. And why can't, as an American citizen.
You're not an American citizen. I am.
Show me your papers. I have a card.
Show me your paper. I don't know where it is.
I have a file cabinet system. I'll find it.
But my point is that I just want to say that your family. Thanks.
When I saw them, don't ever Zoom again, because I nutted so fast. First of all, we didn't Zoom.
We FaceTimed. Oh, it was We didn't zoom We facetimed Dad Alright sorry You got me on the zoom Real cute family And it was so nice That you answered Everyone was excited to see you Yeah Actually no You said something You go Mom say something to Bob I said say hi to Bob And I go And then you hung up I did At the end That's a funny trick It was a good bit It's a good bit It worked Because you thought I might have called back Because when you do that bit Right You hang up And I do that moment Where I go Yeah you sit in sadness You know who I didn't call Yeah you don't have her number Yeah I do Oh you do Yeah but we don't But I text her And I text her Very bland there Are you okay Are you guys coming tonight I also propose to her I go is Magic Mountain open And she's like I don't, and I text her very bland there.
Are you okay? Are you guys coming tonight? I also propose to her. I go, is Magic Mountain open? And she's like, I don't know.
And I go, because she's afraid to ride. I think we should do a Bad Friends Magic Mountain trip.
I would love to, but isn't it closed during this winter? Or no? Is it closed? Look it up. Is Magic Mountain still open? You don't want to do it? I just hate it.
But we'll go as a family. Will that feel better? Can I just do one ride? No.
You can't go all the way there and buy a ticket for one ride? You can't go all the way there 20 minutes and sell it 20 minutes away. 12 minutes off the freeway.
It's open 365 days a year, according to LA Times. Wow.
Wow. Let's go.
Let's go. Come on.
We'll take a little family trip. It'll be like an end of the year celebration.
But the thing we have to do is we have to eat as much as we can before we go to see who throws up on the ride first. Yeah.
That's so fun. Yeah.
Will you do that? I'll vomit. That's the point.
I almost went to the hospital because there's a next to the Magic Mountain, there's a water slide place. Oh, yeah.
That's raging water. Raging water is attached to it.
Uh-huh. And there's a river, right? A lazy river.
There's a lazy river that surrounds the whole fucking thing, right? And it's a bunch of kids just shitting themselves. Mm-hmm.
And I remember being on a floaty, right? And just so thirsty, just drinking the water. Oh, yeah, yeah.
No. Yeah, and the next thing I know, it's like I was in the back of a fucking, my buddy's minivan, and I'm going through shake, I'm shitting myself.
It was fucking, I almost died. You had dysentery, is probably what it was.
Is that what it was? Your insides were eating and shit. Yeah, you had probably But we gotta do that when we go there.
Okay. That's what my point is.
Because there's a danger there, because we could die. Yeah, an element of danger is what we need.
And also, I think on one of the rides, you don't pull the thing all the way down, so you might slip out. That makes it fun.
Everyone should do that at least once. You know when it goes over their heads? Click, click, click.
Don't do the last click. Don't do the last click.
Because the last click holds you in. You got to leave some space.
Yeah, just a little bit. So you do one of these.
It's fun to slide almost out and when you're backwards dude

it's like you don't want the fucking thing to be holding you in nope you want your own strength to be holding you in yeah to see if you can really use your own muscles right and if you slip you happen to die you happen to die and you make the paper don't you want to be in the paper because you're not athletic you're not going to be able able to get a gold medal on something and be in the paper.

If I die, I'll just haunt you both.

She said that too.

You said that in the car as well.

You said you would haunt us when you die?

Yeah.

And I go, what are you going to do?

She goes, I'm going to kill you. And I go, name me one person in your personal life.

I asked her two questions.

Name me one person in your personal life that you know

that was killed by a ghost.

I can't.

The second question is,

name me anybody

from the history of this planet

that's ever been killed by a ghost.

I'll be the first.

Oh, she wants to be the first.

Oh, she wants to be the first.

How can you kill us

from the beyond?

Do you have a strategy?

Have you thought about this?

You have a weak spirit.

Do you know that?

Think of how much rest your spirit's going to need to kill us. You're going to be sleeping in the afterlife.
Yeah. Hammersmith ghost murder case.
Oh, shit. It is real.
Oh, shit. I didn't know it was real.
Wait, go back to the other page. How funny is this? The other headline right below.
My husband died and now his ghost wants anal. That I believe.
That I believe. I agree.
That I believe. Yeah, yeah.
If you show stuff in our butts, then I think that'd be funny.

Don't kill us, but if we wake up with hot dog in our butt.

Because I believe when you're in heaven, Christian rules still apply.

You got to be good up there.

Don't you think?

I bet. If Christian's rules apply here on earth, in heaven it does.

Of course.

So we can't just free nilly, you know what I mean, be flying around as an angel with my dick hanging out? I mean, you of all angels could get away with that. It would get a laugh.
It would get a lot of laughs. Just to me flying by people's clouds.
I'm thinking about the guy playing the harp just like... Right.
As you fly by with your penis out. I know.
But then the next you know, I'm on the side now to him. I'm doing a little, like, gyration.
Oh, and your penis is playing the harp. They don't like it.
Yeah, they don't like it. They'll bail.
They don't like it. But, I mean, look.
Go to the mean look go to the Hammersmith case I want to see that that looked real was that it's not real no look it's a ghost murder case oh this one 1804 oh shit set a legal precedent in the UK regarding self defense of someone that could be held liable for their actions even if there were the consequences of mistaken belief okay ghost from November a number of people in the Hammersmith area claimed to have seen and attacked by a ghost. Local people said the ghost of a man who committed suicide the previous year and have been buried at the Hammersmith churchyard.
This is nothing. This is real.
It's real? On December 29th, William Girdler, a night watchman, saw the ghost while near Beaver Lane of all places and gave it a chase.

He was chasing beaver in the middle of the night.

I love Beaver Lane.

Everyone's chasing beaver in the middle of the night. You've been to Beaver Lane, right?

A bunch of times.

Dude, me and my friends in high school,

we used to go to,

and it was in England.

Yeah, Beaver Lane in England.

In England, we would travel to England

to Beaver Lane, right?

And it has to be at a certain hour of the night.

I would bring my utensils.

Your fork and knife.

And when I'm eating beaver? When I'm eating beaver, I do have to have a fork and a knife. Do you have a napkin? I put a napkin, yeah.
You do? I do all the utensils in the right area. You know how there's two knives, one's for salad? Two forks, you mean.
Two forks, I mean. A salad fork or regular fork.
I do the whole thing. Do you have a soup spoon, too? Yeah, of course I do.
Of course, you have all the koutchumas. There's liquid in the beaver.
Well, how do you like your beaver What? How do you like your beaver? Raw! Yeah, raw beaver. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No cook. I'm medium well.
Oh, you like the edges a little dark? Crispy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A little crispy. Yeah.
Well, look at he gave it a chase. Well, the crispiness could be the discharge.
Who knows? Yeah, because when discharge dries, it gives it the... I don't know how they cook the beaver.
I'll tell you how they cook beaver. You've been cooking beaver? Yeah.
You get a beaver, right? Yeah. That's a little discharge-y.
Yeah. Right? You fry it.
You fry it. We did such a good metaphor for a second that we went right into it.
I know. You fry a beaver, though.
What do you do? Do you pan fry it or deep fry it? I'm telling you, man. telling you man Oh okay Right You don't want to put too much grease Too much oil is bad No because the The vag The beef The beef That's right The beef The beef Right Has moisture in it already Of course it does So you use its natural moisture As the fucking sizzling Oh As the frying element Oh There's fat in there Imagine you're cooking up some beaver And you get a pop right in your eye.
A little pop. That'd be terrible.
It's a sizzling queef. That's what they call them.
Sizzling queefs? The sizzy queefs. Yeah, because the air bubble in the fridge, right? When it's fried.
When it's fried. Fries it right in your face.
Oh, you got yourself a sizzling queef there, dude. Yeah, yeah.
Look, this guy, he chased it.

What the fuck are we talking about?

London didn't have an organized police at the time.

Are you going back to this?

So Gilder...

How are you going back to this?

I want to find out the death.

Who gives a shit about this?

Because Thomas Millwood died.

All right.

Let's go back.

You're going to love the second part.

At the corner of Beaver Lane, at the corner of Beaver Lane, while making rounds around

1030, and January 3rd, 1804, Gilder met one of the armed citizens patrolling the area. They had a shotgun.
And guess what? What? After hearing this, him and the neighbor, John Locke, on the corner, he was agitated. He ended up being dead.
He found himself foaming at the mouth, filled with beaver juice on Beaver Lane. It says beaver juice on there? Beaver juice.
I can't read that. Go down.

He can't read it.

That's why I have to

make up that stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Look, he died.

This guy died at the hands

of a gunshot from a ghost

on Beaver Lane.

So a gun.

A ghost killed him

with his own gun.

A ghost picked up

a fucking real gun.

Examine it,

pronounced to be dead.

The gunshot wound

on the left side

of his lower jaw

with a small shot

about a number,

a size number four

of which had had

penetrated the vertebrae

of the neck

and injured the spinal marrow.

He can't do it. the left side of his lower jaw with a small shot about a number a size number four of which had had penetrated the vertebrae of the neck and injured the spinal marrow he got shot by a ghost with his own gun that's crazy on beaver lane it's insane you don't buy this do you believe this i yeah she does you buy it of course because this shit happens in the cebu all the time probably maybe so if the ghost can hold a gun i can hold a that is very true.
That's a nice point. That's an interesting point.
And I'm really a little nervous. So now we're getting to a point where I believe you now.
I know. If you can hold a gun, you can hold a knife.
But it depends on how strong the ghost was when it was alive. When the human, you know, you might have to have extra, extra strength to be able to hold something heavy in the afterlife.
Maybe it's based on hatred.

It's based on hatred.

That is very true.

Yeah.

What level of hatred do you have for us?

If I die?

Yeah.

Yeah.

A hundred.

Okay.

Because theoretically, if you can hold a gun as a ghost, you can hold a knife as a ghost.

You can also then hold your own penis then.

Do you have penises when you're a ghost?

Do ghosts have penises?

I do.

You have a ghost penis? I'm going to ask for it.

Do you have penises when you're a ghost? Do ghosts have penises? I do. You have a ghost penis? I'm going to ask for it.
Do you think in the normal life you don't get a big penis, in the afterlife you do get one, and vice versa? I hope there's a store. The comedy store? No, like there's a penis store in heaven.
Oh, a penis shop. Where I wanted to re-buy.
I wanted to re-you know what I mean? What I didn't get in the first pass. They're like, Bobby, on Earth, we didn't bless you, but up here, you're getting blessed.
Oh, I'll get... If I had...
There was a store. I'll have Channing Tatum's torso, please.
Oh, you get to pick all of your parts? The whole body. You get to pick your parts.
I'll have fucking Gwyneth Paltrow's eyes. Ooh.
Right? Tatum's body, Paltrow eyes. Yeah.
Harry Styles' lips. Beautiful lips.
You would like that, right? Beautiful lips. Yeah lips Beautiful lips I would have the penis Idris Elba

But we don't know what it looks like bud

I don't care

Because I'll just tell people it's his dick

It's Idris Elba's dick

No matter what it looks like

It's a celebrity

He's a good actor

Who's butt?

J-Lo But butthole's different Who's butthole? Justin Martindale I like it loose Loose goose I like my butt all loose You can do didgeridoo in my butthole Okay you pick your body wow, wow. Okay, you pick your body parts in the afterlife.
Who are you doing? You walk into the store. Somebody says, okay, welcome to the afterlife store.
Pick your parts. I want to be Kendall Jenner.
All her parts? You just want to be her? We went down the list. Maybe with a bigger butt.
You just want to be Kendall Jenner in the afterlife? Yeah, with a big butt. Why don't you go to the animal department? That's what I do.
I would go to the human, everything Kendall, right, Kendall Jenner, you said? Yeah. Right? Then go to the animal department and go, give me the rhino butt.
Rhino butt. Yeah.
You have a big gray ass. I want Kim Kardashian's butt.
I want that black guy that's sent around that meme, that black guy with the long penis. You know that meme that always gets sent around? Oh, with the big, thick, oh, that guy? That guy that died? You want his? I want his penis.
I want Kim Kardashian's butt. I want, I want, whose face do I want? Imagine.
Whose eyes do I want? You know who I want? Alexandra Daddario's eyes. Have you seen her eyes? Yeah.
But like piercing blue. Pretty good.
And then whose hair do I want? Imagine. Whose eyes do I want? You know who I want? Alexandra Daddario's eyes.
Have you seen her eyes? Yeah.

Like piercing blue? Pretty good.

And then whose hair do I want?

Whose long, flowy?

What's his name? What's the old

sex romance novelist?

What was the old... Fabio? Fabio.

And Fabio's long,

beautiful hair. Wow.
I want to be Fabio

with a big butt. Fabio with a big

butt and a big black penis.

Also blue eyes. I want

Freddy Krueger arm. You want one

Thank you. beautiful hair.
Wow. I want to be Fabio with a big butt.
Fabio with a big butt and a big black penis. Also blue eyes.

I want a Freddy Krueger arm.

You want one crazy hand.

Yeah.

I want one Freddy.

I mean, we can go.

It's a heaven.

Yeah, you can have anything.

You can have anything you want.

Do you get to change or once you pick, you're in?

You have props as well.

I'll have a harp.

Oh, you're carrying around a harp all day?

That's heavy. Freddy Krueger hand.
And a harp. Harp.
Every time. Yeah, you would break the strings.
Every time you go to play. Angel Bobby.
Do you have any props in the afterlife, Kendall? I want. Kendall Jules? Taco.
Oh, taco for sure. So even when you eat it, another one just appears? Well, then you're making the assumption that Mexicans go to heaven.
I don't think they do. I don't know.
I don't think they do. I don't know.
I just want their food. I get it.
Do you think there's a border wall in heaven as well that they have to get over? So wait, you want a taco? It's a continual taco. Every time it comes back.
In one hand, what's in the other hand? Just my hand so I can... You need a regular hand.
This guy didn't plan. He wants a harp and a fucking knives.
Bro, the harp isn't attached to the hand. And yet it is.
Yep, it's not an extension of the hand. It's something I'm holding.
No, yes, it is, though. Oh, I made an extension harp hand.
It's an extension harp hand. So it's constantly.
You have to. I'm constantly just breaking the...
Good luck touching your penis with a harp hand or knives. I fucked it up.
Yeah, that's it. I fucked it up.
How about no prop? I think you got to keep it. No Freddy Krueger, Len.
All right. All right, thank you.
I have a regular hand?

You have one regular.

We all need one regular hand.

Yeah, yeah.

I want one that's a...

Remember in Beetlejuice when he turns into that big thing and he's got those two hammers?

I want one of those big sledgehammers, like from the carnival ride that...

Bing!

You know that thing?

Oh, yeah.

You want one of those?

I want one of those.

So if anybody makes me mad, I can just...

I can fucking...

I can kill him right there.

One free hand and then that. One free hammer hand.
That's one of my favorite scenes when he does that. That's what I want to hammer hand.
Who's that? That's when Beetlejuice becomes that guy. Look at those big, beautiful hammers.
Don't you want one? One weapon. DoorDash.
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It is. They're friendly.
They have more options than any of the other ones. That's how I feel.
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You can also get deodorant or something from the store. They got all of that stuff you can get with DoorDash whenever you want it.
Honestly, I went to DoorDash the other day and I got foot lotion. You mean you had DoorDash deliver you foot lotion? Yes.
Really? And it felt so good on my foot. The poor guy that had to go get you foot lotion just to deliver to your house.
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Don't forget that's code BADFRIENDS2021 for 25% off your first order with DoorDash. Subjects to change.
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Language for life.

I'm still stuck on this idea

that you'd kill us. I feel like we've been so nice to you all

these. Yeah.
I said if I

die because of you, I'll kill you. How would we

kill you? How would we let you die?

Oh, you mean at the roller coasters? But that's kind of

your fault, not really ours. No, because

I said I don't want to go.

Right, we'd make you go.

But I guess, you know. But you swim you swim with sharks yeah that's way more dangerous i'm still scared of the rides they don't have those kind of things in the philippines you don't have life is a roller coaster in the philippines yeah that's scary on a regular bus right you could die when you take is that when they're city buses is it scary when you just take a sit yeah it is yeah are there like Do people like You know you see those videos on the internet There's a guy just pulls his penis out And he just jerks off on the bus And they have to like let him do it Never seen that before I've seen that See Where Dude this happens all the time In person And you can't say no People just like let it happen Wait wait I'm on a bus Minding my own business I have to go to CVS Yeah I need destination when I'm doing the scenarios I get it, no I totally get it

So what am I getting, I'm getting

Toothpaste for sure

Fuck no

Just pick it up will you

No no no

I will not

What do you need

I need a chest, one of those

Menthol chest rubs Oh vapor rub Got it, I get it Are you need? I need a chest, like one of those menthol chest rubs.

Oh, vapor rub.

Exactly.

Got it.

I get it.

Are you sick?

No, I just like them.

Oh, you just want it to sleep?

I like the sensation on my chest.

Will you give me some Epsom salt while you're there?

The lavender one, the big bag.

You like Epsom?

Love Epsom salt.

Dude, do I not love Epsom salt?

It's my favorite.

Do you ever use it?

I have bags for it.

Oh, my God.

But I use it for my foot. You soak your feet in it? No.
What? No. What do you do? Forget it.
Bob? It's not a thing. Well, you're going to go now.
Okay, so you know how my legendary left foot. Mm-hmm.
You know about it? Yeah, I think everybody on earth knows about it. So about three months ago,

Kalilah was awoken by it.

They had a mind of its own.

It woke her.

No, it didn't go, wake up.

Can I have?

No, it doesn't do that.

I was scratching it.

Late at night.

With your hand or your other foot?

I do both.

Because I rub my feetsies together sometimes.

No, use my hand.

And what I used to do is, it's so gross, but I used to peel the skin off of it.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I ate two hours before the show knowing that something might come up.

Yeah.

And when she was just like, she looked at me in the night.

She's like, that's really gross, right?

Mm-hmm.

And I go, yeah, I think I'm done. done so I stop doing it my foot is almost healed really? yeah you finally don't have any scabbing or anything anymore? there's no more itch wow and I've been using Epsom salt and that's been helping? yes wait you soak it right? no I just I take the crystals right the Eps? And if I have in between the toes an itchy feeling, like a little red bump with some itchiness, I take fucking Epsom salt, right?

And I put it on that little red thing on the skin and I start rubbing it until it bleeds.

Wait, that's not a good idea.

Yeah, I do.

Why would you do that?

Because it feels so fucking good.

Until it bleeds?

Yeah, and I need, once I scrub it, it it feels so and then it gets numb almost yeah and then the feeling goes away and that's helping feels great i don't know if that's in the directions it feels good though what is look up epsom salt i definitely don't think you're supposed to do that i think you're supposed to just put it in hot water let it soak and i don't know what it means by the way what is epsom go to like what it is go to like wikipedia what it is no you don't know it's a special kind of salt it's deep sea man is it just deep sea deep sea it's magnesium sulfate from the deep but what is so special about it i don't oh it's mgs04 that's what it is the mg4 mgs04 that makes sense what attacks the fungi i can't't believe you don't use it. It feels so good at night.
You guys, you have a bath. Don't you have a bathtub? What do you use it for? I don't think she doesn't listen.
You don't listen, do you? We've talked for five minutes. I just listened to Tito Bobby rubbing it on his foot.
Yeah, you can do that. And what else? You can fill up a bathtub and turn up hot water and do that.
you can also smoke it Some people smoke it You never smoked bath salts, you never heard of this? Oh, you gotta smoke it Or snort it That's also fun, but you gotta crush it up a little bit Have you tried it? Bath salts? Yeah, I get hungry for flesh I've eaten a guy's whole face Have you ever known this? People eat faces. There was a guy that ate a guy in

Florida on bath salts.

Do you know that? You've never heard of this?

We used to do it all the time. Andrew and I used to go to Florida all the time

and take fucking bath salts. Tampa, baby.

Look it up. Bath salts.
You don't believe us?

Bath salt guy eats man's face. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've never heard of this at all?

No. It used to be a vacation thing

to do in the 90s.

Yeah. Face eating attack

prompted by bath salts.

It's crazy to think that that's what

Thank you. No.
It used to be a vacation thing to do in the 90s. Yeah.
Face eating attack prompted by bath salts. It's crazy to think that that's what causes people to do it.
Have you ever been on any drug that made you want to get violent towards somebody else, Bob? No. Never.
I've taken a lot of drugs over the years. I've never had one that made me even think about harming somebody.
Yeah, I've never done that. Actually, you know the only thing that does make me think that way?

Is booze, and that's the most legal... Yeah.

Booze is the only time I've ever been in a fist fight or an aggressive argument.

I've never been on drugs and gotten aggressive with somebody.

Well, in my times before when I was loaded and stuff, I like to go cheek to cheek with

people.

Hmm.

I like touching cheeks with people.

I thought you meant butt to butt.

No, no, no, no.

Facial.

But that's sweet and soft. Yeah, and I like to whisper sweet nothings in their ear.
What would you say? Hi. My hi's are great.
Hi. Hi.
Right? And they go, hi. Right? Who are you? Because I'm at a bar.
And you go, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Right.
So somebody's sitting in a bar. Order a drink.
I'm behind. Put my arms around them.
Stick my mouth by the ear. Hey, baby, what's up? Is it a guy? Whatever.
Okay. Right? And you go, what the fuck, bro? Stop touching me like that.
Don't touch me, dog. Yeah, yeah.
I always go, you want to wrestle. Did you wrestle people? What? Would you wrestle people in the bar? Oh, yeah.
You would just start going in the bar? Dude, when you, I was on the wrestling team, and if you whisper things in their ear, you have the advantage. Because they feel like they're inferior? I was on acid once.
I was on that wrestling tournament, and I was touching this guy's body. I was on top.
Yeah. And I whisper in his ear, I go, your body feels so weird.
Right? And he goes, what?

And I remember being able to pin him because he wanted to get it over with.

Because he was so scared and weirded out.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you guys ever grab, be honest, because I know nothing about wrestling.

Did you ever grab each other's penis?

Is that a thing that happens?

Do you use it?

Let me tell you why I asked.

I've been on top of a guy.

Yeah. You're wearing singlets.
I know, I've seen him, yeah. Right, and I've been on top of a guy You're wearing singlets I know I've seen him And I've been on top of a guy And I've had the wrists like this This is my bedroom This isn't a wrestling mat I wear singlets No but when you do this And your singlet Because you're not wearing an underwear So I've pressed my genitals with their genitals through the singlets before.
Does it feel good? Yeah. Pretty good.
Pretty good. It does.
Yeah. Any organ against your organ? Anything.
Feels good. Foot, arm.
Yeah. You were at the club last night? Yeah.
I went and had dinner across the street at that Pendry Hotel. Was it good? Holy fuck, it was amazing.
What'd you go with?

Your friends?

Friends.

No, friends.

A bunch of friends.

Actually, you know what I was going to say to you?

I don't want to bring that down,

but did you know Matt Billen

that passed away?

I knew him.

That's so sad.

Yeah, death in comedy is...

Common.

Yeah, because we're human beings

and we all die.

No, but I feel like

there's a lot of death in comedy.

I feel like we lose people all the time. Yeah, it's super sad.
But he was a really good kid. And also, somebody told me today, you can Google this, another guy, Matt Price, maybe his name, he was a comic and a magician.
I know Matt Price. Well, he's gone.
Not Matt Price, Skippy from... No.
This is another guy. That's Mark Price.
Mark Price. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at this. Matthew Price was a 27-year-old magician, comedian from Lehigh Acres.
He was gunned down on Sunday in LA. Dude, he was going to a convenience store and got shot.
There's no motive. He was killed.
Robbed and killed. What the fuck is going on? Isn't that crazy? I didn't know this man, but someone else told me about it today, and I was like, what the fuck is going on? By the way, if you're going to rob me, just take my shit.
Don't kill me. Just take all my stuff.
Yeah. Why kill if you're going to rob me? Just rob me.
I think when chaos and stuff like that is happening, I feel like, do you have a good street sense? Yeah. Yeah.
I feel like my street sense is okay. I have very good street sense.
I mean, but also you don't know where you are sometimes. That's part of my street sense.
No, no, but I'm just saying you don't know what's going on sometimes. Wait, wait, you're saying that I don't, you're saying that I don't know if chaos is going on.
No, no, no. If I'm in a fucking grocery store and three guys come in with machine guns, I wouldn't know what to do? I feel like it's less blatant.
I feel like if people came in and started something, not with machine guns, but started some kind of hostage robbery thing, I don't think you'd know what to do. That's so rude.
What's your first move? Pretend I'm dead? There you go. That's a good one.
You don't want to help? Well, we'll help. Who are you going to help? First, you've got to assess the situation.
I'm buying oatmeal. Why? Because I love oatmeal.
But what kind? I like Irish. Oh, Irish oats.
Yeah, I like Irish oats. Steel cut oats.
I love steel cut. Thank you.
You're welcome. Very good stuff.
Supporting my people. So I'm in the fucking, I'm getting Irish oatmeal, right? And I hear what? No guns, you're saying? No guns, but they come in and you start hearing rumbling.
So I think, I think these guys are tying people up. I lay on my belly.
I throw in all the Irish oats I can find. On top of you.
On top of me. Right.
So I'm just like, ah, right? So I can create like a pile. A mound of Irish oats.
Of Irish oats, right? Right. And then I'll stick one arm on, right? And hopefully there's ketchup around.
Oh, you got to- That's a part of my plan. Is that in the same aisle? I don't know.
Hopefully they- I don't think ketchup and oats are in the same aisle. I would crawl.
You'd crawl to the ketchup. To the ketchup aisle.
To go to the ketchup aisle. Yeah.
But I would still hold some of the Irish, you know what I mean? Oats? Oats on my body. Got it.
With the camouflage. Got it.
So I would be just crawling with a bunch of Irish oats. Look at that round Irish oat shark.
Right, that's right. Get to the ketchup aisle.
I stick one, and I would just pour ketchup on my... And then lay there.
And lay there and do convulsions. So you're not dead.
Yeah, even though they don't have guns, they're probably thinking to themselves, why is that guy acting like that? What is he doing? Well, you're crazy. Yeah.
I'm just, imagine with ketchup. Oats on my body, right? Jake, and they're just going, what is he doing? They'd probably hire you.
They'd be like, you want to be on our team? This guy's out of his fucking mind. That's my job? Yeah.
Dude, that's the best job. Well, let me tell you something.
If guys came in and they took people hostage, but they saw that you were crazy or they liked you, and they were like, Bobby Lee. And they're like, hey, man, look, we're either going to kill everyone in here and take them hostage, or you're going to be on our team.
You're going to start killing people with them? I would. Ooh, what a scenario.
It's a good scenario. What I would do is I would pretend.
Pretend you're going to kill people. Yeah.
I would go through the motions, but not really do it. But the big dog is like, I want to see him do it to make sure we can trust him.
Oh, so they're holding a woman down, like an 80-year-old woman down? She's 96. What kind of weapon do they give me? A billy club.
Fuck, that's hard. You got to beat him.
You can't stab him or shoot him. You got to beat this 96-year-old woman.
I would do this. Check this out.
And I'm the 96-year-old woman, right? I learned this in wrestling, like pro wrestling, right? What? So I would go. I would do this.
Check this out. And I'm the 96-year-old woman, right? I learned this in wrestling, like pro wrestling, right? So I would go.
Oh, stomp your foot. Stomp as if I'm hitting the body, right? Am I doing it? You're doing it.
I'm telling the guy. I'm doing it, right? He's like, keep going, right? But what's really happening is she's going, what are you doing? Why are you doing that?

See, she wouldn't move.

Oh, because she's not even getting hurt.

She doesn't know.

Then I whisper, just play the pet.

And she goes, I got it.

Right, right.

Thank you.

And then.

What do I have in this hand?

What is in that hand?

Ketchup.

Ketchup.

Ketchup.

Ketchup.

Squirt, right?

Squirt, right?

Bleeding.

I'm bleeding and now I'm dying.

Right, right.

Okay, so then they believe you.

Yeah, yeah.

I think that's perfect sense thank you if these people came into the grocery store Rudy and they said you gotta be on our team and kill people or we're gonna kill you what are you gonna do is he gonna pop here with me no no you're alone you're alone why you're alone in the grocery store How about this How about you're in the ketchup aisle Yeah Right I'm In the fucking Irish aisle Right We both have to get the same thing Right So both our bodies at one point We're crawling by each other Just two Just two snakes on the ground We're crawling by each other She's already got ketchup on her body. And I go, where are you going? I'm going to the Irish.
Echo, why can't you use the Prince fucking bottom? Why do you have to get the Irish out? He's like, I need the Irish out. That's my thing.
No, but it helped me. Find other boxes.
Yeah. That'd be crazy.
So if he's with you, you're going to, if he's, say, Let's say you're alone Would you start killing people For the hostage people These are These are criminals man These are bad guys Yeah maybe I'll just kill one You would kill one person To stay in the crew Yeah But what if you liked it And they were like Isn't it fun And you're like kinda Then I'll stick with them You'll stick around How easy would she be in a gang? She'd be so good in a gang. Because she's a yes person.
She's down. She'll just do it.
She's just down to do it. Yeah.
Could you be in a gang? No. I think the perks would be amazing.
I couldn't do it. No? I couldn't kill anybody.
What if you don't need to kill? What if you just need to... I'll be a runner.
Like a drug mule?

Yeah.

Like you have to put all this coke in your butt and fly to... Yeah, I would do that.

Would you do that?

Yeah.

How much coke?

That's like a pound and a half.

Of coke in my butt?

Mm-hmm.

Is that doable?

What's the most amount of coke someone swallowed in balloons?

Have you ever seen...

I've not seen...

People used to swallow balloons.

Well, heroin for prisons and stuff, I've seen that.

But or coke. People used to swallow balloons of coke.
Oh, they did? And then they'd have to poop them out when they get to where they're going. Yeah.
What happens if it doesn't come out? You'd be scared? Well, if one breaks, you're dead. Right.
If one breaks, it's over. You're dead.
But if I eat a bunch of cocaine that's in a balloon, it doesn't dissolve in my belly. A man swallowed nearly three pounds of cocaine on 148 pellets investigators say aril simpson 41 of jamaica swallowed 148 pellets containing cocaine that weighed nearly three pounds three fucking pounds of cocaine were in his body he was arrested earlier this month at fort lauderdale hollywood international airport wow my god that guy's a champ he's yeah three pounds of cocaine that's a lot of money right i mean how much is that worth? I don't know.
I'm not good at how much is Three pounds of cocaine? That's a lot of money, right?

I mean, how much is that worth?

I don't know.

I'm not good at that.

How much is three pounds of cocaine worth?

I mean, that's just...

Let's take a guess.

Three pounds of cocaine.

Three pounds of cocaine.

What's a pound?

Let me just weigh it with my hand.

There it is.

That looks exactly like a pound.

That's a pound right there?

Yeah.

That's a pound, right?

This is worth $12,000

A pound of cocaine

Is worth 12 grand

I've never bought cocaine

I know that's why this is a good experiment

I would say it's

Over $100,000

I would say

One pound

Oh no I'm thinking about what he did

One pound I bet you

One pound is like 70 grand

70 grand

Do one pound of cocaine worth

Thank you. One pound is like 70 grand.
Oh, how much is a pound of cocaine?

70 grand.

Do one pound.

Do one pound of cocaine worth.

I say 70 grand.

What does Rudy say?

15?

15 Gs.

12 Gs, 15.

I say 75.

Okay.

All right, let's do it.

Street prices on cocaine.

Cocaine retail.

That's so funny.

Oh, the fucking crap. What the fuck is going on here who did that let's just go to reddit reddit always knows prices range from 12 g's to 35 g's per kilo what's a kilo 2.2 pounds oh so I was but look, but then it says, however the price of kilogram of cocaine ran from...
Man, this is tough. I haven't done cocaine since high school, so if I did one pound of cocaine right now, would I die? Pretty sure.
The average amount of cocaine that someone can do can't be close to a pound. The most cocaine you...
What's the most cocaine somebody can do in one sitting?

Have you ever done cocaine, Rudy?

No.

Have you ever been offered cocaine?

Don't ever do it.

No. Don't ever do it.

Because of fentanyl, you can't do it.

No, it's so bad.

It's so bad.

Have you ever been offered cocaine at a party?

No.

No one's ever said, hey, do you want to bump or do you want to go skiing?

No.

No one used Coe's words on you?

No.

Hey, Brownie, you ever seen white?

Oxycontin you can.

You can do Oxy. We're okay with Oxy.
Yeah, that's insane that we're approving her to do oxy. But marijuana is okay for you to use.
We're okay with that and mushrooms. We're okay with that, yeah.
But nothing else. Or ketamine.
Ketamine we're okay with. What is ketamine again? Special K.
Yeah. You never did that? No.
When you were using? I did, I did, um, what's that?

Not Molly, but the other one.

Ecstasy.

This is kind of the same thing.

Is it?

Kind of.

MDMA is like the purest form of ecstasy.

Yeah, I, when I did ecstasy once, I started masturbating in public.

Just outside?

Yeah, at the Bellagio.

In Vegas?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

And then Ike Barinholtz

had to drag me

to my hotel room

by my hair.

And just watch you

jerk off in your hotel room?

No, he just dragged me

through the fucking hotel

to get me into

my fucking hotel room.

Wait, were you doing

like a mad promo there?

Yeah, no,

we used to go to

Vegas a lot.

You know, after like

a season wrap,

we would just,

I'll go.

Yeah.

Right?

And take a trip. Would you gamble? Oh you did what did you play dude can i tell you the worst so i want i'm so mad at adam adam did adam ever tell you the story adam egan no adam ray oh no what happened so he opens for me in fort lauderdale and there's a casino there right and um i'm around.
Now, I don't have my ID. Why? I just didn't have it.
Oh, right. Right.
I had an expired driver's license. So I'm sitting there, and I'm just fucking around between shows or whatever.
And then I click the thing, and all the bells and whistles go off. Like on a slot machine? are fucking you know and now i'm going what the fuck i don't have my id because they're coming now right so i'm texting adam ray going get over here right now because i don't have my id they're not gonna give me the money so you have to come here and pretend that you won this right Right.
To claim the money. But he's chasing girls.

You know how they do that?

So the lady comes up to me.

She goes, all right, well, congratulations.

You made, I think I won like 35 grand.

Holy shit.

And she goes, ID.

And I go, I don't have it.

She's like, you can't get the money.

So I go, what?

That's fucking crazy.

I'm playing here at the fucking casino.

Yeah.

So I ended up going to like some office or some like some chief. Oh, the chief was there.
Yeah. He's like, you have to go.
Hello, Bobby. Bobby, you have to go.
I heard you. You have to go to LA.
Grab your ID, fly back, and then we'll give you the money. Really? Yeah.
Did you do that? No. You just left the 35 grand on the table? I left the money.
Wow. What a fucking bummer, dude.
Adam's fault. It is.
Adam owes me 35 grand. Does he know about this? Does he know that he cost you 35 grand? You should call him and tell him.
Yeah, I should ask him. I can't believe, that's insane that he fucked that up for you.
He fucked it up for me and after was that the last time he ever opened for you yep it was well when you lose 35 grand from an opener you know i mean that awfully does something to the relationship you know i mean here we go adam ray let's hear what he's got to say about it all right upstart you know what i've had a lot of credit card debt in my life same and you know that's a lot of stress. Yeah, it's the worst.
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See what ring he answers. Two.
He might not pick up, huh? Oh, there he is. Bobby Lee.
Adam, you're on Bad Friends right now. Oh, what's up, guys? Oh.
You caught me halfway through a dinner where my stepdad was pitching me a movie about guys who have Benjamin Button's disease in space. That's a great fucking movie.
How high are you guys? Are you guys high? I'm on a little bit of an edible. I'm at a family dinner at my folks' place.
And yeah, it's a lot right now. It's a lot.
My mom literally told me if I wanted some of the juice in the bowl of mushrooms on my rice, that I could reach forward and put it on my fucking rice. Can you guys buy me a ticket back to LA? I'm literally, you caught me fired up, baby.
Alright, Adam, I called you for a specific incident that you and I had. Do you remember when you opened for me in Fort Lauderdale? Oh, yeah, and I was, yeah, I'll take it from here, Bobby.
Okay. We were in Fort Lauderdale.
Jealous, Santino? Yeah. Oh, you're going to Dania soon.
Yeah, I'm going to be there. All right, let's plug those dates real quick.
I've already been there when this comes out. Great, great, great.
Man, you had so much fun in Dania. It was so fun, dude.
I loved it. I loved it.
Get to the story! So Bobby and I are doing the Fort Lauderdale improv. It's awesome.
There's, as you know, a hard rock, like, Vegas-style strip of restaurants and nightclubs. You see a lot of guys named Brandon looking to fight, guys named Tyler.
We went to Maggiano's and got all the food. I love that place.
It was where I learned Truly Bobby, and I'll go on record saying this, best guy that I have went on the road with, you fucking just was like, we're going to eat. This is a thing we're doing.
I'm buying everything on the menu. Take a couple bites, take it with you, take it to the green room, give it to a bum, give it to a girl who's trying to hook up with a bum.
And just, let's just spread the wealth. And we got everything.
So then we go to the shows, we do the shows. I meet a girl there and, um, and I'm, you know, at this point feeling pretty good, Andrew, I did about 28 minutes of comedy four were great and i'm now in the casino and um and uh mike bobby i think i'm gonna go hang out with this girl in the room bobby am i still telling the right story i guess we hope okay and then bobby uh Bobby was gambling he does uh but this was this time it was offstage and uh and so he's uh he's great he's a fucking asshole he starts uh hitting what what they call in the gambler's world a hot streak and uh and and i think hit...
I want to say maybe you won $10,000 to $15,000. It was like $30,000.
Yeah, that sounds way too high. Let's go with $13,000.
Let's do $20,000. $20,000.
Let's come to terms on an even $19,500. All right, $19,000.
Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead.
Yeah, so you didn't have your ID, if memory serves me. Yeah, you're right.
And so he goes, well, I need my buddy, my feature, my confidant, my pal, the guy I tried to get me to take extends from the gas station with late night dates i dangled dates over his head and say hey if you don't eat these 32 oysters i know you hate seafood and texture then you can't go to san jose phoenix in dallas it's just dangling a world in front of me and uh and i'm up in the room and um and i'm trying to be um you know just a guy living his life i lost 20 grand yeah so bobby uh bobby didn't have his id he wanted me to come down and pretend i was the guy that won and um why didn't you do it to receive the phone call and bobby was furious wait you were hooking up that's's why you couldn't come down. Yeah.
Oh, buddy. I was being a feature.
I was being a feature. Oh, buddy.
Well, I hope that was $20,000 worth of pussy, because you really fucked it up. Yeah, it was.
I mean, look, is it something that I think about every time I get a call live on a podcast? Yeah. Yeah.
I do feel bad about it. I'll tell tell you that much you know i'm a sensitive guy that definitely i uh i didn't care what happened after uh to to you taking me on the road i felt real bad as a person and a friend it's okay it's okay all right adam thank you love you i love you buddy bye from season one again.
I want to do that with The Wire as well. Someone else just said that to me, but I liked The Wire, but by the end, I was like, mm.
Yeah. I kind of cut me out a little bit.
Yeah. But Sopranos...
It was good all the way through. Look.
Dexter was great too. Dexter was great.
The thing about Sopranos is because so much time has passed. When was it first on the air? 2008 is my guess, but that sounds maybe wrong.
Sopranos. But dude, it was so long ago that when you see it, 99, holy fuck.
So just, it looks, you know, it's not shot as well as shit is shot today. It's not, there's so many things about it.
You're like, wow, if you shot this show today, it would be fucking, it would be the greatest show that's ever existed yeah and it's already still one of my favorites but i watched i've been watching this on the airplane and rick and morty i got into rick and morty it's pretty good it's so fucking funny inside job too pretty good inside jobs pretty good what's inside job'm on. Oh, I did see you preview that.

I did see you push that.

I saw the first episode.

You did?

I'm not yet done with it.

Is it good?

Oh, my buddy Clark Duke is on it.

Yeah.

It's on Netflix.

Yeah.

Is that you?

The girl? No.

Show me Bobby Lee's character.

You'll be able to tell if you get the group together.

It's a chubby little Korean guy?

No.

That's you with the...

That's me.

That's funny.

That's cute, Bob.

That's cute.

That side-by-side they did of you and that guy is wonderful.

What's the character's name?

Dr. Andre?

Yep.

Dr. Andre.
He's just a drug addict doctor love it yeah i love when they pitch that in the room they're like who'd be good at this bobby drug addict yeah asian because doctors are asian oh yeah bobby yeah that's fucking great that's you thank you go watch inside job what's that you've never seen it I don't know what it is. I heard it's good.
Have you read any of the scripts? Or just your lines? The beginning I did, yeah. How many episodes? 10? Yeah, 10.
That's awesome, Bob. But it took years.
Yeah, it takes a fucking long time. I just finished one.
It's weird. It's like you get a call and they go, all right, next week, episode 112, 116, and then every year you go, this is never going to come out.
Yeah. And then it does.
I just finished one called Royal Crackers that will come out at the end of next year, I think. Yeah.
Animation takes fucking forever. It takes forever.
Forever and ever. Yeah.
But I mean, I can't wait to see it. I'm going to watch it.
Okay, thank you. Everybody watch.
No, don't watch it. It's Netflix.
well fucking they don't need your views do they listen anything that you're fucking in i'm gonna fucking promote it all right all right i promoted something that i'm in right i threw it out there and you're doing this right now watch inside all right i'm saying you know you you pitch davy and your road dates and whatnot i'm on i'm fucking fucking animation show that I work on. You don't even know what it is.

I know, but it's on.

Okay, but you should know what it is.

It's about conspiracy.

It's a government.

Okay, look, I'm a reporter from Variety.

Oh, my God.

Bobby Lee, thank you for coming today.

Tell us all about Inside Job and your character on Inside Job.

It's a covert government agency, right?

And we deal with conspiracy theories and this and that. This and that? Yep, and that's what the show's about.
What was your favorite part of the show? All right, anyway, don't watch it, don't watch it. No, watch it.
Don't watch Inside Job, fuck it. Let's move on.
Please watch Inside Job. You fucking cocks.
On Netflix. Fuck you.
A place where neither Bobby nor I have a special. Inside Job.
Don't you think we're gonna get one though? I don't know. I feel like we are.
Do you think Bad Friends should have a special on there for sure? If nothing more. Should I just do, should we just do a Bad Friends special? On Netflix? Yeah.
I'd be down to do that. That would help? Help what? Our emotional status? Do you think we'll get another special after that one or you think? Depends on how good it is.

But I think that

if you and I did

35 minutes.

If we did a Bad Friends tour

slash special

we could put that on Netflix.

I don't know if people

would want to see that

but I don't know.

I think they would.

You do?

I think they would.

Rudy, what do you think?

I don't want to do it.

Got it.

I do love that.

I know.

We're going to make her do it. You're going to do it.
You don't have a choice. What am I going to do? Sketches.
Sketches with us. We'll do sketches.
We'll do sketches and you'll play characters. You don't like wig play? You don't like wig play? Prosthetics? You don't like wig play? You don't like it? You're not a big fan of wig play? No.
We're going to make you do it. Have you ever worn a wig? Yeah, she has.
On the show, she has. Oh, yeah.
One time. No, but I mean in your real life.
No. Never? Never.
Have you ever worn a wig in your real life? Transformed into somebody else? Disappeared into a character? I used to use the black spray. What is that? To hide the bald spots.
Black spray? What's black spray?

There's a black spray.

It's like spray paint. Like spray paint?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, it works.

You don't have bald spots?

What are you talking about?

It's thinning.

Well, every man, every human.

Anyway.

I don't know what I'm going to say

because I got kicked out of that hotel.

You did?

Yeah.

Why did you get kicked out of the hotel?

You can say it.

I was smoking a cigarette.

There's only two rooms in the balcony.

And I asked for that room.

So you could smoke.

So I could smoke cigarettes.

Reasonable.

I'm out there having a cigarette like I always do.

For years I've been doing this, a couple years at this hotel.

I hear fucking two stories up.

I'm smoking out there.

I look up and there's a head coming down, looking down. Hey, this is a no smoking premises.
I go, what? Don't or I'll rat you out. And I go, dude, what the fuck? He's like, yeah, man, I'm warning you.
So like I had to smoke in smoke in the room because I was afraid. Instead of taking a walk outside.
No, no, no, no. It's five stores up.
So now I'm smoking in the room, looking up to see if he's there. But meanwhile, now the hotel room smells.
You feel like that. And I got a call going, you're banned from the hotel for life.
Did they charge you for the smoking in the room? I don't know. I just got one call from a producer.
We had to put you in a different hotel. I go, sorry.
Because you were smoking in the room? Who cares? Well, you can't smoke inside. This isn't 1986.
Dice does it. Dice lit a cigarette at a gate at LAX.
And not recently? no about 20 years ago yeah exactly you can't do that anymore? no you can't why? I would love to go on a plane with you and have you light up a cigarette on an airplane but you know when you go through the security checkpoint you can't go through it with me why? because you get flagged every fucking no i always there's always an argument so these guys have to go in separately why why do you argue with the security ari shafir ari shafir is working security now no no ari shafir told me that you don't have to listen to them you do they're not the police i know but this is what he was trying to get in my head because they're not the police and i Yeah, they don't really have any rights and power. Right? So I go, what do I do? He's like, just give them the minimum amount.
Why make it harder on you? I know, but what I'm saying, so what I purposely do is I, sometimes when they, at one time, I put a pocket pussy in there and I made it wet. In your suitcase? Yeah yeah so I put this wet pocket pussy in my fucking crew just so they could have to take out this wet thing sir? and I'm like I'm not embarrassed by it that's not going to explode so they'll do this and they'll put it back in but here's what I like.
After you go to the security checkpoint, you give them the ID and your fucking boarding pass, right? At that point, don't ask me where I'm going. Yeah, right.
So after I do that, when somebody goes, wow, so where are you going? I always go, it's none of your fucking business. That's where the problem is.
You're begging for trouble. You're begging for trouble.
You're Kyle Rittenhouse on your way around the airport. Yeah, exactly.
Ari taught me how to do that. Good example.

It's not a good thing.

No.

No.

Not the guy to follow.

Not the good guy.

So every time I'm there, right, there's always a problem.

Why don't you just make it?

Why don't you just get the TSA and all that shit and go through?

It's fun.

Do you not have clear?

I have clear.

Yeah.

You don't have to talk to anybody.

You just boop, boop, and you walk right through.

Yeah, but sometimes clear, the line is so low that doing it is longer.

Sometimes I'll just go the regular way. Really? Yeah.
Let's watch this video. All right, let's watch it.
Yeah. Hell yeah.
Hell yeah. Load that clip, little girl.
Yee! Yee! Oh my gosh. Oh my God.
She's so good with a gun.

It's unbelievable.

All right.

Set the bar at 1180 with that one.

Let me see what I can do.

I'm not robbing that house.

That's insane how good that...

That girl comes out of nowhere with her glasses on.

How old is that kid?

10?

That's amazing.

How old are kids like that?

You're a girl.

How old is that girl?

She looks like 8.

8? Yeah. Jesus Christ.
And she's that good with a gun. That's amazing how old are kids like that you're a girl how old is that girl she looks like eight eight yeah

Jesus Christ

and she's that good with a gun

that's amazing

but scary

I mean

but

but cool

it's very cool

if my daughter was that

I'd be safe

so cool

yeah

so cool

I would

she'd protect the house

yeah

put that in your backpack

I go baby

for school

when I hear a noise

I'm like

baby

get your gun

I send my eight year old

downstairs to investigate

yeah

have you ever shot a gun

Thank you. I go, baby.
For school. I hear a noise.
I'm like, baby, get your gun. I send my eight-year-old downstairs to investigate.
Yeah. Have you ever shot a gun? I have, yeah.
Like a handgun or anything bigger? I've shot machine guns before and handguns. Love machine guns.
I love them. It's so fun.
Yeah. I get it that guns are bad, but also, have you done it? That's what I always want to say.
It wasn't a human being. I was shooting a little bottle.
Oh, mine was a bunch of human beings oh i didn't know i didn't know no no no i shot in a range well i've shot outside too yeah for me here's a here i it's tough because they're so fun they're fun it's so they're so fun dude what do you mean fun it's tough to to be when people are like against guns i'm like i know but they're so fun they're fun until you get hit by one I've never been shot You've never been shot I know

I watch movies and people get shot

I wonder how I would react

What?

This is it man

I can't do this anymore

I'm me and it's you

Oh Andrew?

It's so dark here

I've been meaning to talk to you for a while

Thank you. Oh, Andrew?

Yeah.

It's so dark here.

I didn't... Yeah.

Yeah.

I've been meaning to talk to you for a while.

I understand that.

Yeah.

But can I ask you a question?

I can't do this anymore.

I understand that.

But before you pill that, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Does this mean the podcast is over?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Bang!

And then, so what I would do is...

What do you do if I shoot you?

Do it again.

Just do it again.

Do it again.

Hey.

Yeah.

Do it.

You want to die?

Well, I mean...

Bang!

Are you coming?

Oh, my God, you're coming.

Why did you do that? Because, because Bobby all those months on the podcast do it again wait a minute bang oh wait are you touching yourself bang I'm almost there shoot one on the dick bang bang that's how it works Shoot me in a dark alley Shoot me Hey you little Pissin' Annie Bobby what are you doing You little pissin' Annie nut squash Shut up I'm your captain I'm the at a little trollop. Bobby, look at it.
Did that hurt you when I call you a trollop? Look at the gun. Oh, shit.
Look at it. Yeah, yeah.
There's no bullets in there. Pop! Dead.
Dead. They find you like this with expression, with a smile.
On the news. A bad friend shot today.
Yeah. Kill her.
What? Kill her. Shoot her for sure.
I don't think that's how I'd kill her. How would you kill her? You like boba? Oh, poison boba.
Yeah, poison boba, dude. She bites into one.
Well, I put little tiny explosives in each one. That's what I mean.
When you crack into it, there's like a little device. It'll explode right in your mouth.
Ooh, that would be such a good way to kill her. And then she shows up at Bad Friends with just...
No jaw. No jaw.
No jaw. Just a nose and eyes.
Just like, yeah. You know what I would do? I would train dogs.
I would train dogs to attack. And then I'd tell you that I got some dogs for you to foster.

And then I would have them attack you to death.

Yeah, you'd never see that coming.

You'd go, come here, little boy.

And they would eat you alive.

That's mean.

You talked about killing us at the beginning of this podcast, didn't she?

Yeah, let me ask you something.

In Game of Thrones.

The whole time.

Remember, what's his name got eaten by dogs in Game of Thrones?

Who?

I didn't see it.

Ramsey.

Ramsey. Yeah.
You never saw Game of Thrones? Who? I didn't see it. Ramsey.
Ramsey.

Yeah.

You never saw Game of Thrones?

Never.

Why?

It's so good.

I think the creator creeps me out.

No, it's so good.

Peter.

Peter Schelling?

Peter Schelling?

I don't know.

Who are you talking about?

The creator of Game of Thrones.

What's his name?

Yeah.

Have you seen that guy?

You mean the writer?

Mm-hmm.

What's his name again? He created a video. George R.orge rr martin yeah he's so creepy i know but he scares me look at a photo of this guy this is why i couldn't watch it like a dirty sea sails like a fucking sea captain they do this guy has he's got yeah he doesn't look he looks scary and no he guy in the lighthouse.
I can't, yeah, he's, well, he's like the combination of the guy from Up. He looks like Ed Asner's character.
Yeah. I just feel like he does bad stuff.
Yeah. I don't know.
He looks so scary to me. I couldn't watch.
I didn't want to fund him. I didn't want to buy him more hats.
That's really what it was. I didn't want to fund his hat.
Oh, well, that's good.

Anyway, what is, Ramsey gets eaten by dogs, and then what?

He just has his own dogs, right?

And they eat him? What he does is he uses the dogs

to eat other people.

That's what he would use as a punishment.

And at the end, they wrap him up.

And they don't feed the dogs for like a week.

His own dogs.

And there's a scene where his dogs walk into this little dungeon, I guess, and he's tied up bleeding. And a dog comes and licks his face, his own dog, and then they just fucking start biting chunks of his face off.
Love that. Isn't that the best? That's dope.
See, that's what we would do to you, Rude. Yeah.
You keep threatening me and you, I've got some stuff planned for you. That's the difference between dogs and cats.
If it were cats... They eat people.
It would be harder, though. Yeah, but cats eat their owners.
If they found them dead, they find cats eating their owners. Oh, yeah.
I've heard of that, yeah. A cat will just eat...
A dog typically won't eat the owner if it's dead. Or when a dog loses its master and waits at the graveyard, or when they do all that.
See, that's why they're so sweet. Yeah.
Jules, what have you been doing? What's been going on in your world? If school's out, you're not going to school. I've seen Arcane on Netflix.
It's really good. What's Arcane? Pretty good.
A movie. It's a TV show.
Oh, yeah, a TV show. But it's based on a game.
But there's another one we saw, which was Hellbound. I'm still confused with that.
Yeah, me too. You can't get through it.
Are you watching Succession? I love it. So good.
So good. What's been going on in your life, though, for real? What have you been doing? Nothing.
I haven't seen you in a while. Nothing? She goes to Hawaii again.
You excited to go back? Yeah. How many times have you been to Hawaii since the last year? Not last year.
This last year, how long have you been in Hawaii? You've gone four or five times? Five times. Did you ever get to do stuff like that before when you're living in the...
No? No. Privilege, huh? Look at her now.
She gets everything. Everything.
Do you fly first class when you go? No. Does Kalilah? We'll make you to Bobby.
Exactly. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll try to fly first class.

I'll give a fuck.

You let her fly first class.

No.

She deserves it.

No, she doesn't actually.

Just once.

One time I will.

Yeah, you should.

Yeah.

You let me.

I did.

In Seattle, I think.

Yeah, that's right.

Wait, you flew first class in Seattle?

I flew first class.

You know what we should really do is do like a bad friend's private jet.

You know how fun that would be to take a jet one time?

What if it falls like Buddy Holly? Then we die as bad friends together. Do you think they'll do a movie? They will definitely do a movie.
On us? They were like, what was going on on that fucking plane? How much does it cost to ride a plane? Do you know who Buddy Holly is? No. So back in the day, what did it call him? It was Richie Valens.
Yep. Buddy Holly.
Yep. The Big, what's his name? His name was The Big, there was another guy that was Big.
Big Cheese. Something like that.
No, what was his name? The Big Cheese or something like that. Yeah.
But they all flew this, they were big, huge stars, as big as Harry Styles back then in the 50s. They took a plane and it crashed and they all died All these legends Same thing happened to Leonard Skinner Some of them died some of them lived And it happened to Otis Redding Private Jets used to crash all The time Now it's different they don't crash anymore They don't crash anymore Really? When was the last time A private A Gulfstream crashed Or like a G4 Let's just do Take a helicopter On a foggy day Did you learn Making jokes about that From Ari Shaffir too? Yeah yeah I learned that from Ari Those are the right.
So I want to say something to you.

The Thanksgiving when we called you made me reflect a lot about how much

I love you and how much I appreciate

you and I was thankful for you. Okay.
I love you.

And

I also thought about the rest of the people that work on the show.

And I thought about Pete

and I thought about Andres and I thought

about George and I thought about Doc. And that's all the people that work on the shows.
What? Jules. I said how much I love you and Pete and Andres and George and Doc.
Yeah. And I gotta just say Exactly.
You guys mean the world to me. You mean the world to me as well.
You, Doc Andreas the best you especially I love you so much you yeah and almost nobody else nobody else except for George, Andreas, Pete Pete yeah Doc and Doc and Doc yeah my favorite people Eric Griffin sometimes love that guy is the best. Yeah.
I love that guy.

Anyway.

Yeah.

I'm grateful to that as well.

I'm grateful as well.

I'm grateful for the food we get.

I'm grateful as well.

The sleep we get.

I'm grateful as well.

And everyone around us.

Do you pray before you eat on Thanksgiving?

Pray.

I get into God.

You spiritual now? I've always been spiritual. But more so now? Dude, I get into God.
You spiritual now?

I've always been spiritual.

But more so now?

Dude, I get in tune with the Lord.

What do you say to the Lord when you talk to Him?

Dear Heavenly Father,

thank you so much

for all the gruel.

Thank you so much

for the sustenance.

God bless.

Thank you so much

for introducing

island people to us.

Island boys.

Especially little gruel Thank you. so much for introducing island people to us.

Island boys.

Especially little girls from the islands.

What are you talking about?

Epstein stuff? What are you talking about?

Take your hand down.

Why are you doing this?

The presence of the Lord.

I just want to say I'm grateful for everyone. Thank you so much.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah.
Yeah.