Good Cop, Black Cop

Hey, bad friends, I'm on tour. Come see me this weekend.
I'm going to be in Florida, Fort Lauderdale.

Go to andrewsantino.com and also New Year's Eve. I'm going to be in Phoenix doing New Year's shows.

And then all next year I'm everywhere. Go to andrewsantino.com, andrewsantino.com for those tickets.

Hey guys, I'm Steve. What's going on? It's really good to be here and, you know.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Hey, Andrew, you want to see Judas? Hold on. Right here, boy.
Sizzle Bros in the building. Yeah.
Black Judas, boy. Hold on.
Look at this, boy. Look at the photo.
Hey, man. Oh, I've never seen his face like that.
Holy shit. That was real anger.
Oh, that was a pure rage washing over his face. This is insane, dude.
They were like, Bobby and Tino are going to love this. Come through.
And I said, you know what? No, no, we're not. We're not.
What is this we're going to love? I don't love this shit. Yeah, I don't love it either.
Dude, they're biting off of our shit. Now it's whack.
It is whack to you? Talking to the mic, Doc. I thought you were a pro, Doc.
It's whack, man? I thought it was. No, dude, dude.
What it is... Okay.
Is... What is this? It's Shakespearean betrayal.
This is betrayal? Yeah. Look at all these little knives on our backs.
We're doing a Scissor Brothers. We have to put the stuff on.
What is this? It's Scissor Brothers Club. Oh, is this Jeremiah? Yeah.
Yeah, it's... Oh, right.
You remember? Right.

You remember.

Is this brand new?

Yes.

This is?

Yep.

Do we have to wear the shirts?

Which shirt is that?

I don't know why.

What is that?

Do I get an instrument?

Straight up.

Do you know what this is called?

You don't know, do you?

Recorder.

Wow.

I used to play it.

Can you rip? No. You have an accordion in front of you.
I have an accordion in front of you. You have an accordion in front of you.
Careful. I love Doc, yeah.
He's gay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's really good.

Pretty good.

That was my first time.

That actually was pretty good.

Wait.

My friend, Doc, he gay.

Really good.

Yeah.

I'm improving.

Every time I do it, you come up with a riff.

Ready?

Yeah.

Rudy.

That's it.

Rudy.

You know what I want to be supportive?

That's a very good premise, a beginning.

Hold on.

Rudy.

Doc.

Fancy. And then George.
And then Pete. Fuck this.
I don't like this. Bro, bro, bro.
If you were an Indian dude, a snake would not come out of the fucking hand it would just be like because that song sucks it would just be just what's he playing I'm not going to do my little thing this is for no I don't want to talk why are we promoting these guys fuck this shit man that's exactly what I was saying I don't like this dude this. Why are we promoting these guys? I know.
Fuck this shit, man. Fuck these guys.
That's exactly what I was saying.

I don't like this, dude.

Okay.

This is giving this show more attention, these guys, and they don't deserve it.

Look at this fucking shirt.

What?

Look at his fucking shirt. Oh, my fucking God.

You pour the fucking shit.

There's nothing wrong with this, fellas.

Yeah.

We're connected.

No, no, no.

What does it say on the back?

Traitor?

You know what it's like, dude?

Those guys have a jersey?

It's like a Manchester United team.

Like Cristiano Ronaldo.

Cristiano Ronaldo walking into the Old Trafford training room

with a fucking Manchester City sweatshirt on.

That's exactly.

That's Man City.

You know what they would have done?

They would fucking burn him alive.

Wow.

They would burn him alive in Old Trafford

and no one would ever talk to him about it again.

I don't know what I just...

Y'all want to burn me?

No, we don't want to burn you

because of the climate,

because of the culture.

Oh, yeah.

The culture shifted.

So if this happened eight years ago,

you would have been burned, bro.

Fuck.

Just burned.

Hot dog.

Hot, yeah.

Hot dog.

Hot dog. Well, I'm glad that these are changed.
doc all right so um real quick real quick bro take that off oh you really want me to take okay 100 yeah okay yeah let's uh let's get up out of this right away take that take that off who did they give that to you yeah let me see it you know who they bet that from dumbfounded you know how he has this koreantown fucking sweatshirt? Yeah. Here, Doc, put this on instead.

That's your Jeremiah today.

Give me that jersey real fast.

Okay, hold on. I won't destroy it.

I won't destroy it.

I'll be right back.

Where are you going?

Be right back.

Hey, guys. I'm Steve.
I own 47, but I act like I'm 12. Are you tired, Rudy? No.
You're rubbing your eyes. Well, Rudy has done a little change because what happened to Rudy last night is she left the house at night.

She came back a different person.

Where did she go, you ask? She went to the

Harry Styles concert.

Oh my god, to H. Styles?

Yeah? Yeah, how cutie patootie

is he? He's so

amazing, magical,

perfect. Okay.

I love him so much. I know.
What's one of his songs? what do you mean? I'm sorry by the way never coming back out can't you see if things just stay the same na na na na is this ana-na. Is this a hit? Yeah.
Na-na-na-na-na. Wait, the lyrics were so bad.
What? Say it. Don't sing it.
Just say. What do you mean? I'm sorry, by the way.
Never coming back down. Can't you see? You're still singing it yeah you can't you just talk it just talk but i want to sing it all right you know what i'd love to hear another one let's hear another here another hairstyle song watermelon sugar hi that.
Watermelon sugar, Doc, hi.

We have Tammy Faye Baker in the room.

Back from the dead.

Oh, my God.

Dude, if he had a Sunday morning church service on TV, right,

he wouldn't get a lot of followers, maybe eight.

I'd be there.

But those eight would die for him.

Let me hear what you have to say to us.

Yeah, yeah.

Preacher.

Preacher. Preacher, Doc you have to say to us.
Yeah, yeah. Preacher.
Preacher.

Preacher.

I have come to unite the public.

I am somebody special.

Love me or hate me.

I love my goddamn self.

And tonight.

Is this preacher a narcissist?

Yeah.

It's so weird.

That's how I'm supposed to.

I'm supposed to.

Yeah, but preachers don't gloat like I'm the best preacher in the world. Oh, they don't? No.
Oh, they talk about Jesus a little bit. It's just to be humble and talk about God or Lord.
Yeah, start over. Start over.
Start over. Okay.
Tonight, we're going to talk about the Lord. Then after that, we talk about me.
Now, God is good. God is good.
But I'm great. Amen.
Can I get an amen? He's a selfish preacher. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, this is for the Scissor Bros. Yeah.
No, don't do that. Don't do it.
Tino, don't do it, D. Don't do it.
They love you, man. Don't do it, dude.
Don't do it. Don't do it.
Don't do it. That would...
Don't. It's my brother.
Don't do it. I don't care.

Yeah, you do.

I want you to do it.

I want you to do it.

I want to do it so bad, too.

Because we're out of this studio.

I want to light this whole thing on fire. Okay, but what I'm saying is that my brother is very sensitive.

And if you want to start a real war with him, that's not good for us.

We would beat him.

I know, but I don't want him to die.

I know what he'd be.

I know.

I know we would be able to defeat them.

I won't burn this because I know that's one of six shirts Doc owns.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm JK and Doc.

Doc Dog, I know you got more than that.

Anyway, so watermelon sugar high.

What's watermelon sugar?

I thought that was talking about... It's Punani, isn't it? It's about punani.
It's punani juice. That's what watermelon sugar is.
Do you know that? First of all, I've never eaten a pussy and thought watermelon. Let's ask Doc.
Yeah, yeah. You can't ask the black guy if he likes watermelon.
I didn't. I think you did.
I think you did. Did I? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, pretty much. So let me ask you something.
When you're listening to Watermelon Sugar High, Doc, in your car, right? Okay. What happens? Does your dick get hard or does your mouth water? My dick gets hard because bombshell.
I don't like watermelon What? Yeah I don't fucking like He's just blowing my mind You don't like watermelon at all I love watermelon I'm glad you said that because I hate rice I hate it I hate rice I hate it So you don't like that's so funny I don't want to get we get stereotypical in the show we can ask at the same time one two three do you like fried chicken what what was I I didn't say anything you said fried chicken no I didn't yeah you did I said do you like fried yeah I'm not even willing I started sweating when you said do you like I said french fries I mean I mean do you like I love it do you like fried chicken Yeah, I'm not even willing. I started sweating when you said, do you like...
I said French fries. I mean, do you like...
I love it. Do you like fried chicken? Love fried chicken.
You have to be evil not to like fried chicken. Right.
I love it with a passion. Dude, watermelon is the greatest fruit ever invited.
How do you not like watermelon? How do you not like it? I don't like it. It just don't taste good.
But if you put a little bit of chile on there and some lemon juice, shout out to East LA. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's good that way, bro. You don't fucking, hey, that's how we do it.
You're talking about tajin. You're talking about tajin, right? Tajin, right.
Yeah, tajin is good as fuck. Put that on there a little bit.
Have you ever had a fruit cart from the side of the road? I refuse. What? Yeah.
Bob. I refuse.
Bob, watermelon with fresh tajin on it? Can't do it. It's fresh cut of pineapple and watermelon? Is it fresh? They cut it right there in front of you.
Oh, I'll do it. Okay, we need to do it.
Yeah, yeah, but it's not like pre-packaged. No, they cut it right in front of you.
Mango, pineapple, watermelon, and then. Let me ask you another thing.
So, what's the stereotype? The stereotype is black people like. Can't swim.
I can swim. I've never even heard of that before.
Can't swim? I have, but I haven't. I have, but I haven't.
Okay, let's go through all the stereotypes of all of us. Let's go through stereotypes of all races.
All right, so we'll start with Doc. With the ones that are in the room.
Okay. You're right.
The ones in the room, I feel like we can do it because we need somebody to defend themselves. Correct.
All right, so let's go with Black first because we're already on the topic. Yeah.
Right? Doc doesn't like watermelon. That's crazy.
Never heard of that before. Does like fried chicken.
Loves it. Love it.
Can swim? Can swim. Nope.
How good? I'm good. You know, maybe half a pool.
You know what I'm saying? All right, but let me ask you. What happens when you get to the halfway point of the pool? He drowns.
It's over. You drown.
He falls to the bottom. So you can't swim.
He falls to the bottom. Like, man, you know I'm doing a good job.
Yeah, yeah. He just drops to the bottom.
Yeah. At least it's the effort.
Let me ask you this, Doc. So if Andrew and I had a boat, and we're like, hey, let's go sailing.
Deep, deep, deep. Not deep dish.
Deep sea. Deep sea sailing.
Yeah, deep. Deep sea.
Deep dish sailing. Deep sea sailing.
Fishing, right? Yeah. Come.
We threw you overboard. That's a joke's a joke right funny joke how long would you be able to stay out there alive you think about a half a pool like I told you no that's not there's no way he's talking about how long could you tread water for oh tread water maybe about a good 35 seconds or something like that yeah he's out he's out like a stone you get cramps from treading I ain't been in a pool in a while.
You can't tread water for 35 seconds. Yeah, you're dead.
You're a dead. You would have been the first one to die on the Titanic.
Who could tread water? Right? Yeah, probably. No, Andrew and I, I could wade in the ocean for at least six hours before I die.
You float. Get the fuck out of here.
He floats. Yeah.
Six hours. He's floating.
He's got good blood. I'm a floater, dude.
I'm going to say, bro, we got to do this at a pool. I got to see that shit.
It's amazing. He floats.
I'm not going to do six hours of... I got shit to do, man.
You know what I'm saying? We're going to go to a fucking public pool. Well, don't say it, Bobby.
You're going to put me in the fucking deep end and go, let's see. You can't do it, Bobby.
He does. He's so mouthy.
He looks like a preacher right now. You know what I'm saying? It's the outfit, I think.
Did you go to the Harry Styles concert too? That's what it feels like. So, do you have wine in that thing again? How did you know? Because I can smell it.
Were you drinking on the job? All right, so the other one was no dad. I had a dad.
Well, yeah. He was there.
Don't bring up the dad? We talked about it. Don't bring it up, maybe? We all got dad problems well yeah well but he was there don't bring up the dad we talked about it don't bring it up maybe we all got dad problems yeah but ours weren't you know what i mean in a cellar mine was in prison so that's kind of mine was in prison yeah real talk real talk okay that's connection right in black culture it is it is well you, you got to know somebody in jail if you're black.
Yeah, I saw somebody. Do you know somebody in jail right now? 100%.
Told you. Yeah, I don't know anybody.
Except for your dad. He's not in jail anymore.
Love you, Jamal. He goes, love you, Jamal.
Who's Jamal? Who's Jamal? What is he in for? Oh, okay. Yeah, all right.
What? Murder? Let's just say he's doing 87. Oh, shit.
87 years? He's eligible for parole in 87 years. Can I tell you what he did? Well, let's guess this.
He had like a dime bag of weed. He's terrible.
He could be. Awful.
Awful. It was murder.
It was something like that. Yeah.
You know. Shit, dude.
Life was rolling hard on him. Well, so anyway, so.
That's fucked up, man. You can swim, so that's broken, right? You hate watermelon.
That stereotype is broken. YMCA.
Okay. I have one.
What is it? Oh, shit. I don't know.
BBC. Big black cock.
Hold up. Somebody's on board.
Big black cock. What the fuck? Stop.
Everyone stop talking. Stop talking for a second talking How the fuck do you know what BBC means I just know She does just know I don't know Big black cock I know now But I didn't know You don't know if he has a BBC or not You better not know I don't know It's just a stereotype Okay okay okay But you said it a little too like you're sure Let me ask you this Jules And Doc's not going to be offended And I want an answer from you An honest answer Do you think that he has a BBC Yeah

Exactly

She said maybe

There's no way

Standard

Standard

Oh you have a standard

Not a BBC

Standard cock bro

Just walking around here

In my standard

You know what I'm saying

You know what that is

An SIBC

Yeah

Standard issued black cock

I think that's something

I would ask

Once I was about to get

Fucked in the ass

I would turn around

And go

Is it standard

You go advanced

Thank you. SIBC yeah standard standard Issued black cock I think that's something I would Ask if once I was about to get fucked in the Ass I would turn around and go is it standard You advanced Oh fuck It's from the future All right is there any other stereotypes that you Know Rudy that's it All right let's do Bobby Asian Korean Specifically I think Asians you got to take to take Asians.
Oh, go ahead. I could defend it.
Well, because you and her are going to have some overlap. Why? Well, you're both Asian.
Right, but from different parts. I know, but the dog thing is the dog thing.
What dog thing? I don't know the dog thing. We love them? That you eat them.
No, no. You do? Me do your people that's true your people my your people you people love dogs traditionally your people like dogs but i have to argue though that poor white people eat shit like squirrels and snakes and shit right 100 true we're gonna get to whites.
Alright, my bad. Raccoon.
Yeah, hey, they chow down on some raccoon, bro. And you...
But he's Italian, though. He's not...
And Irish. I got both.
Oh, you got... Oh, wow.
Yeah. Okay.
Hey, Doc, he's fucking white. White.
No, but it's... He's white.
Italian's a little different, bro. They're not...
They're like the... What is he gonna say? Go ahead.
I think they're like the black people or white people, but that's just... I italian's a little different bro they're not they're like what is he gonna say i think they're like the black people white people but that's just i'm not i don't know i don't know that's right doc would that be correct or no yeah okay yeah you're correct okay let's go to asians you don't like dog that's a bro shattered you like dog she likes to taste dog.
Not eating them.

I don't know.

I don't know, man. The way you responded.

I love dogs.

I care for dogs.

I'm not eating dogs.

Say, I don't eat dogs.

Say that.

I don't eat dogs.

All right.

Can we edit that to just plank out the don't part?

I'd eat dogs.

I'd eat dogs.

You hate rice.

No, I should do. Everyone loves rice.
White or brown? I'm more of a white guy. I fuck with purple.
Have you had purple rice? I like purple rice. Do you like purple rice? I do.
Yeah, yeah. With the little beans in it? I thought for a second you were referring to, you were using rice as a metaphor for other shit.
Like what? I thought you were saying you were talking about purples Okay Because Asians have purples Dark purples But you prefer white rice over brown rice Wait a minute How do you like your rice? You like your rice brown He would see Look I've had brown rice The problem is I God. What have you done? The problem is- What's the problem? I think white is just better.
In terms of rice, yes. I'm talking about rice.
Not healthier. Yes.
In terms of rice, they're superior. Not healthier.
White rice is the most superior- They were born superior. Superior.
Not healthier. Yeah, you're right.
That's true. No, white rice isn't healthier for you.
Yeah, he's drinking more. He is.
When did you start drinking, Doc? I've been drinking. Y'all just remember when I used to park your car, I was drinking.
He was boozing the whole time in the parking lot of the comedy store. I'm dead serious.
One time I did actually smell on Doc's breath, and I was like, man, is this he drinking? I thought, there's no chance. You know what it was? I remember when Eric was the general manager, he told me to stop having a glass of wine when I was parking cars because I would always walk car to car with the glass.
I would come to your cars with the glass behind me. He'd say, could you not? Or anyone parking your car has a glass of wine.
With wine. Yeah.
I'd be like, no, I'll park it myself. But hide a beer.
He's got a glass of wine. He's swirling it.
Oh, yeah. Oh, no, just leave the keys there.

It's insane.

Oh, no, leave it.

Yeah, I'll back it in.

I'll back it in.

This shit's nutty.

Oh, man, y'all should see the tannins in this motherfucker.

I was never drunk parking.

I know, but when you wake up this morning when you woke up, dog, when you woke up this morning,

is that like an orange juice for you?

Like you drink alcohol? No, no, no, no.

This is my- When the sun goes down. down two to three maybe four in the evening wait what glasses time oh what glasses you know that's like a bottle of wine that's a bottle of wine well but not every day though uh every other day yeah something like every three four or five days he's a fucking he's a fucking problem what's It's fine.
You're fine. Wait a minute.
You're having a bottle of wine every other day? No, not every other day. I would say, well, it depends because I bought a 1.5 liter.
That's another stereotype. Black guys don't like wine usually, do they? No.
No. See, he cracked another one.
Another one cracked. Another one cracked.
I don't like beer. I don't like malt liquor.
Well, malt liquor, that's, yeah, right. Do you like Hennessy? No.
When you smoke cigarettes, do you like menthol? Strictly why? Where the fuck do you get cigarettes from? I don't smoke cigarettes. I know, but if you do, do you smoke menthol? I would guess.
I don't know. Yeah, me too.
He does. Yeah, I guess that too.
I feel like if there's a bunch of cigarettes on the ground, they're like, pick one now. He would just grab the Newport just instinctively and know how to smoke.
He smokes spirits, right?

He smokes American spirits, yeah.

What of it?

Menthol.

No, no, no, no.

No?

No, he smokes the regular ones.

Oh, okay.

You fucking accused me of smoking menthol, dog.

What the fuck are you doing, bro?

Wait, hold on.

Let me backtrack for a second.

I really do want to know.

Did you go to Harry's alone?

With a friend.

Who was the friend?

Grace.

What's she? What is she? Grace. What's she?

What is she?

What's she?

From school?

From school.

Huh.

What?

Is school done?

When is school done?

It's fucking November.

It's of course not done.

I don't know when they're done with them.

You mean for the summer or just for the winter break?

No, for the winter break.

Oh.

Isn't this now?

Aren't you done?

I'm done December 15, I think.

And when I say school, you're not going into school, are you?

No.

Yeah, you don't have to do that.

No.

I thought she graduated.

Am I in high school?

Oh, you're in college now.

Yeah.

She's in college now.

So we went from rice to dog.

Is that it?

For you?

For Asians, yeah.

Rice, dog.

Yeah.

Driving badly. Driving badly.
You are a bad driver. Me specifically or my people? You specifically.
Your people. Yeah, but I wouldn't put that.
We're just doing stereo. I wouldn't put that on my people, though.
That's horrible. You're a horrible driver.
You're the only dude I've ever seen with duct tape on his bumper it's just bro this guy would pull into the comedy store parking lot like what the fuck bobby like this guy and then if his car get fixed it's fucked up the next week i'm like how the fuck does this guy you don't give a shit about you he just doesn't care about cars you don't care when? You used to pay me. You know, I'm done with you pointing at me.
No, no, no. This guy's inside of his car, people.
I'm done with the pointing, bro. I'm going to tell y'all something, bad friends.
Go ahead. This guy's car is the dirtiest shit you would ever fucking like.
What's in it? Dude, it's too much. Dude.
He's going off. I don't like it.
I love it. Cigarettes.
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Diarrhea? Wait, I'm not finished. to diarrhea dude all right diarrhea all right go the zoo it's every fucking best smell combined fucking fish tacos after they've been left outside for about two months it's just like your car stink bro like that shit used to be like okay no I was a little angry

I was just a little angry. My bad.
It hurt your feeling? It hurt. It's aggressive.
Rudy, is any of that stuff true? Does the car smell? Yeah. It smells like poo and it's just really dirty.
But not diarrhea, though. Regular poo.
I said poo. Thank you.
Yeah, just regular poo. Yeah.
Doc, you're exaggerating with diarrhea part. Just regular poo.
Regular poo, dude. Yeah, it's nothing insane.
Yeah, yeah. It's not runny shit.
Yeah, and like fish tacos have been out for a month. You know what I mean? Maybe a week.
Yeah. You know what I mean? A month? But how many days in a week though? Every day.
Yeah, every day. Every day, right? So you don't know which one is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, so we got that.

That bad driver I am.

Yeah, bad driver you are.

Bad at math.

What guarantee?

Oh, so you're the opposite.

I can't even add.

What?

I can barely add.

8 plus 12.

What'd you say?

Yeah, it took him too long.

8 plus 12?

20.

Okay, yeah, but you said that.

What did you say?

Just to pause to get to the math in the head.

14 times 6. Yep, 14 times 6? Yeah., what did you say? Just to pause to get to the math in the head.
14 times 6.

Yep, 14 times 6?

Yeah.

You can't do it.

Really?

Yeah.

Does anybody know real fast?

240.

No.

What?

84.

Pete.

That's it.

Thanks, Pete.

Could you have got that?

No.

Yeah.

Thank you.

What else?

Bad at math.

Bad at math.

Andrew, I know.

What? Pixelated. Pixelated? Yeah.
Is it pixelated? What's pixelated? Your cock. Because every time you watch Asian porn, it's all like pixelated around the cock.
I just asked a question. Can I get an answer? That's all I want is an answer.
I'll give you a fucking answer. This is still my show, friend I tell you something privately you pixelation in post fuckface It's not like a normal thing that occurs when we pulled out our pants.
It's just being pixelated. Okay, my bad I'm gonna be honest.
Yeah when he said that I understood I understood I also thought but first of all I'm a I'm you should have been more offended. That japanese penises there he's korean japanese people do have weird pixelated vaginas and pussies but koreans don't okay my bad thank you but i'm learning asian stereotype small penis thing you do average you're no i i do think you have a small penis but it's not embarrassingly small.
It's small like it's supposed to be. Your penis is just as big as it's supposed to be.
So average for you, yes. For grown men, no, I don't think.
You joke about it. My gut.
Can I tell you what my gut says? What does your gut say? My gut says Get the fuck out of here My gut's saying Leave now Alright We just begun I know we just did Okay That's why I'm staying I'm having fun I know you are And Doc is Doc is doing it Doc is out of control He's drunk as fuck I know I love it Alright Okay so But you do Alright small dick I got that one Fine Let's move on But we did say yes to that No I don't want to I'm not signing off on it Say yes Just to move on But do I have to mean it You do Is that the last stereotype that we can think of for Koreans Do you know any? Take your time. They're not listening.
We have the capability of editing out 30 minutes of silence. I just know for Koreans they're usually handsome.
So does Bobby break that stereotype?

Absolutely.

That's preposterous.

Get on the thing, Jules.

Yeah.

Interesting.

No, go back to the mic.

Interesting that you say that.

What are you doing right now?

Why do you keep looking down?

Nothing.

You have knives? Yeah. I'm sorry.
I'm going to off a bit. I want to back off a bit.
And this is not something that you can go crazy with knives for, right? But are you saying that Koreans are generally good looking, but Bobby Lee is ugly? Not the same level. Yes.
I agree with it. I thought about it.
Why not? I fucked it up. I think I fucked it up.
Who are some handsome Korean men? Well, if you look at, like, I think she's referring to the people that are in...

K-pop.

Or just in people that are visually seen in the public, I guess.

So you're comparing me with, like...

BTS.

BTS, Jon Chow, these types of people.

Jet Li.

Jet Li.

Jet Li.

Fucking Jet Li.

Also Korean women.

Yeah.

Hot Korean men. I mean, wow.
Is that Bolo? No, that ain't Bolo. Remember Bolo from End of the Dragon, Bruce Lee? Oh, Bolo.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Is that all the stereotypes? I think that's it.
All right. Do me? Let's go Jules.
White's hard. White's very hard.
Yeah, whites are very hard. What is that? He thinks he really genuinely believes in his heart.
I know this guy. He generally believes in his heart that he's better than us.
Only in America. I know, only in America, right? Only in America.
Because I can walk around and people go, hello, friend. And I go, hello.
Only in America. And I go, excuse me me do you know how to uh can i have directions i go i will give them to you you know and i can walk freely and then cops are like sir you were speeding i'm like i'm sorry and he's like get out of here right yeah but in afghanistan though none of us are going to fucking get afghanistan Nobody walks around? Yeah, but a fat Korean dude in Afghanistan? Fuck, man.
Just trying to, you know, trying to find something. Trying to bring him down a little bit.
He's on his high work. Do you just say whatever that comes to mind? He does.
Yeah, he does. Let it fly.
Let it fly. Good.
What kind of wine do you have in there?

Pinot Noir

This motherfucker likes barefoot Pinot Noir

Get it

Alright let's do Jewels

What about Filipinos?

You know the most

I know a lot

They're great

Performers

Singers

The dancing's off the scale

And you can do almost none of that

Thank you. they're great performers singers the dancing's off the scale and you can do almost none of that she can't sing or dance well no the singing at the beginning of the episode was good let's hear a little bit more hairstyles let's hear it ready go we'll be fine line we'll be fine line we'll be alright sorry about that to the listeners.
If I bought that song off of iTunes, I'd do an instant refund. What were you saying? We'll be fine.
Line. We'll be fine line.
We'll be all right. We'll be all right.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's okay. You can't sing.
I think she's drunk too. Yeah, she's drunk.
too yeah that's what it feels like can't sing can you dance no box can you box Filipinos are huge boxers no there's one guy that's good what sucks about the Philippines one guy is good Ianny Packard. He's one of the greatest of all time.
I know, but it doesn't necessarily mean that everyone can do it. I don't know.
Mike Tyson is probably the best of all time. You know, black guys are probably going to fight.
That's right. You're right.
You know what I mean? You're right. Okay, so what else for you? A lot of men are actually women.
Really? And actually, a lot of women are actually men. But I'm not a guy.
I understand. I think their views on...
Gender? Gender and LGBT stuff and all that stuff is more evolved. Wait a minute, though.
Are the Filipino people cool with it, or is it just... They are.
They're more accepting. Like, if you were a guy and you're walking down the street wearing a dress or whatever, and that...
They leave him alone? I think so, yeah so, yeah. Do they? People don't bother people like that? Yeah, you always see a guy wearing really short shorts that you can almost see.
His penis? They call him lady boys, right? Yeah. Lady boys.
So when we went to the Philippines and we did my talent show there in Cebu, we had a category that was like other. It could be anything.
Right, it can be non-gender. So we had a lot of, Jules was there.
We had a lot of people that were from that community perform. Right.
And they were the greatest performers I've ever seen in my fucking life. Yeah.
They don't give a fuck. They light themselves on fire.
They just gas, they don't give a fuck. They'll jump over a wall.
I'm sure like the bigots love that. Yeah, you should light yourself on fire.
They just gas. They don't give a fuck.
They'll jump over a wall.

I'm sure the bigots love that.

Yeah, you should light yourself on fire.

But they are.

Dude, I'm pitching a show.

You know I'm doing that, right? Yeah.

Where it's a talent show in the Philippines.

I'm going to fly out two other comedians

to be the judges.

I'm right here.

You want to go?

Why wouldn't I go? I Coy would be better. You said two others.
Who's the other other? Someone else, but like, you know. Oh, my God.
Joe Coy would be better. What is he? Filipino.
Okay, Joe Coy, and then who else? There's not another Filipino. Probably a girl, like Miss Pat or something would be fun.
I get it. Okay.
Anyway, so is there anything else? What are the stereotypes? I'm trying to figure it out. Well, you know Filipinos more than anything.
You've lived with them for years. You are Filipino partially.
They feel comfortable walking around with no shoes? Is that a thing? Yeah. I like it.
She loves it. She loves no shoes.
Do white. Do me.
Okay, do white. Or Irish or Italian.
White. So you guys like to wedge yourself in other people's situations.
Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? The best at it.
You're the best at that. Yeah.
So that's a check. Check.
Right.

You'd like to, I would really say, your inner thoughts.

I feel uncomfortable right now.

Right.

Whereas a lot of these things you should just keep to yourself.

I got to let it out.

I know.

You don't, but anyway.

Yeah.

You don't.

Okay.

Okay.

So those are two checks?

Bop, bop.

All right. Number three.
You like to pretend, right, that you care about poor people and at times you're philanthropic and giving, but it's all to serve your own ego.

That's right.

Man, you are.

Does that hurt?

Cut the shit, Bobby.

That's too nice.

What?

Can I tell you something?

It's too nice.

Oh, he wants to do the real stuff.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Go ahead.

Give me the real stereotype.

No goddamn rhythm, fucking horrible in bed.

Like, hey, are you?

No, I ain't going to say horrible in bed, but you know.

You know, barely average cocks. It's all over the place.
Bobby, this is where you been. That's not why you was kissing ass to me.
If I'm an investigator, if I'm an investigator, right? If we're going to go hard. If I'm interrogating.
This is good cop, black cop. Yeah.
If I'm interrogating, if I'm interrogating, right, a murder suspect, right?

My first question isn't about the murder.

I want to get into like, you know, so where were you?

July 12th. Well, you didn't warm up to black people.

Right.

But you know what?

Can I say this?

You do massage the witness a little bit better.

What do you mean?

You massage the witness.

In the beginning, you don't go straight to murder.

You would be really good.

I think I'd be good.

You'd be like, what have you been up to lately?

Yeah, you really kind of dig in. I think I would even go.
And Doc's like, you a murderer, bro? He'd ask right away. Let's say you're a murder suspect.
I think the first thing I was like, oh, cool sweatshirt. Yeah, I'm a murder suspect.
No, you wouldn't bring the murder object into the fucking. There's blood on it and fucking evidence.
You're not going to walk in like that. What do dripping with blood down my hand well you know uh 15 we found 15 school kids you know i mean

stabbed with these little knives yeah yeah i heard about it yeah yeah heard about it and um

you are in possession with one oh no i just this is i was doing a school project myself oh you do

yeah what's the blood?

My blood.

May we have that to do DNA testing?

This is my scissor.

Get it.

They would grab it.

You would at some point.

Yeah, we would grab it. But what if I just put it up my ass?

I'm sure they have the technology.

Good luck getting that out.

I fart it right back out.

I would wedge it out of your butthole, right?

Put it in one of those bags.

Yeah.

And that would just go to...

Any DNA spot.

Yeah.

Wait, investigate me like I'm a real murder judge.

Look at that. I would wedge it out of her butthole right put it in one of those bags and that would just go to any DNA spot investigate me like I'm a real murder subject let's see how he would do it versus how you would do it alright so we're both coming in you're both cops so what is he accused of and Rudy is a cop too she's in there so us three are in there there's a murder and you have to figure out if I did it I understand that but who are who are you to the murder? This is what you're trying to figure out.
All right, all right. All right, all right.
All right, so. And you said he was better than me, Tino.
All right, so we walk in. I'm arrested and I'm at the table in the booth.
I have to do a thing where I walk in with you guys. You guys all walk in.
I have to do a thing where we walk in together. You go walk in together.
All right, so let's walk in together. You're not walking in, right? You're going to stay.
Okay, good. She's already don't have any of those in there.
Oh, a stenographer. She's a stenographer inside the jail cell.
I want my phone call. I want my fucking lawyer.
All right. Hello.
I want my lawyer. I want my phone call, and I want my fucking lawyer right now.
This is unconstitutional what you guys are doing to me. Hi.
So I'm Detective Cho. Hi, Detective Cho.
And this is Detective Jackson. Detective Jackson.
Juan Jackson. Juan Jackson.
Detective Juan Jackson. We asked him to change his name, but he wouldn't.
You know, you don't look like a Juan. I know.
It's a little confusing. Well, you know, don't worry about that.
You're the one being questioned. Hey, Juan, relax.
How do you spell Juan? W-O-N? Is that it? We got a smart one here, Bobby. Smart man.
Who's Bobby? I mean, Chow. Chow.
What's your last name again? We've been working together for 30 years. How do not know each other.
Did you hit your head and had a brain injury? I apologize. What's your last name again? Well, it's Chow.
This is Officer Chow. Detective Chow.
I remember when he walked in. You went to my wedding.
You were my best friend, but this is... Are you okay? Do you need to step out? Do you need to step out for a second? Let me just.
Oh, you got it? Let me gather myself. Oh, no, no.
Stay here.

You're okay.

So, um.

Mr. McGivens.

I'm using this in court to say that the fucking, that the interrogator doesn't know his partner's

name.

And he's drunk on fucking wine.

I'm winning this case immediately.

Already.

We're fucked.

I'm not going to do Gnini.

Mr. McGivens.

Mr. McGivens.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Detective.

Charlie McGivens.

Hello, Charlie. Yeah.
Nice sweatshirt. Oh, thanks a lot.
Where'd you get it? At Zane's. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
You like comedy? It's an insane asylum. Oh, it is.
It is. It's a clever name.
Yeah. Where's this insane asylum? Right here in LA.
In LA? Yeah. Have you heard of that insane asylum? Let me tell you something, cop.

What do you want to fucking know?

Anyway, your wife.

I'm not playing games.

All right, so July 12th.

Where were you that day?

Do you remember?

It was a Thursday.

It's November fucking 20-something.

How would I know what I was in July?

All right.

Where were you in July?

In July?

Yeah.

I'll tell you where I was on July 12th.

Where?

Don't look at him.

Officer Jackson and I got a call that a woman was chopped into 3,000 little pieces of duck food. What? Yeah, somebody chopped her wife up to make duck food.
My wife was killed six months ago, and I never knew about it. What? What? Shut the fuck up, Jackson You already know this, Jackson

Jackson, you already know this

Good cop

He has no idea what's going on

Another episode of Good Cop, Black Cop

Good Cop, Black Cop

So anyway, we found your wife remains by the lake

Yeah, I want you guys to find the killer

Why am I arrested?

Because on every little piece of Every little piece of your wife right we found a fingerprint really yeah on every little piece and whose fingerprint yours do you know why she's my fucking wife we live together right but my point is is that her dead body huh it's on her dead body yeah she was alive but at one point I was hugging her and kissing her she's my wife and then someone killed her that's why my fingerprints are on her that's a very good argument but we also found brain matter yeah there's fingerprint marks on the brain what about so how did you what in the back of your trunk what about that huh we'll get to that in a second jackson can we go to the brain what about can we go to the brain first go ahead to the brain first thank you Jackson did you guys come in with a plan Jackson because really Jackson's really sabotaging all this us or you be quiet this guy is something else shut the fuck up Jackson how. Charles How quickly would he be kicked off the force

I know can you wait here for a second

I'm gonna go get a different partner

Alright

So we leave

We come back

Right

New partner

New partner

You're still there in the room

So

Mr. Jackson's still in the room

Because he is a detective

Right

But I brought Detective Origami

Oh

Here

Hi Miss Origami

Yeah so

Hi

It's Miss

Thank you. But I brought Detective Origami Oh Hi Miss Origami

Yeah so

It's Miss

I said Miss Origami

You said Mister

I didn't

I thought we should be hung up on that one point

I'm trying to get you guys to catch the murder

And you've arrested me for no reason

With that right there

You getting her name wrong

Proves that you killed your wife

Oh yeah Detective Jackson

Jackson's off the charts

you're getting her name wrong, proves that you killed your wife. Detective Jackson? Jackson's off the charts.
You're on probation. You're on probation, alright? Don't drink next time.
Anyway, so July 12th, you have no idea, but we found fingerprints on every, even inside of her body, the remains. How is your fingerprints on like...
Inside of her body? Yeah her body yeah how do you love your wife sir you've never put your hand inside of your wife's body yeah but I haven't stuck my hand inside her brain well then you guys don't know really how to love each other that's real love that's real love oh I feel like you've got no evidence you've got no case anyway well anyway thanks for coming in thanks a lot no we're not done yeah. No, we're not done.
I'm getting a new staff. Wait, let's see what Jackson...
I'm firing the two people I'm working with. Let me see what Jackson has to say.
Go ahead, Officer Jackson. Now we're in court.
He asked you the day and the time of the crime. Where were you? On July 12th? Do you know exactly where you were on July 12th? That's insane.
How could I know that? I don't know. I can tell you in the month of July, my wife and I were both getting back from Hawaii.
I had to go on a business trip. I have tickets to prove all that.
You said the month. We asked you for the day.
See what I'm talking about? That's why you gotta dig deep. You gotta dig deep.
Jackson. Because this guy knows he's okay.
Okay, so you was on a vacation. We were in Hawaii together.
Namaste. Yeah.
Calm. Serenity now.
Yeah. Jackson, you was on a vacation we were in hawaii together namaste yeah yeah calm serenity now yeah jackson you're on probation can you let me can you let me do what i'm in this fucking wig is killing it i i catch criminals every day mr child or the show show so where were you you you said the month Yeah and the month of July but we said July 12th we got back we got back from Hawaii the end of the first week end of the first week in July maybe that was the 4th or the 6th and we were home the whole time together okay yeah but she was killed very good Jackson, Jackson.
Very good, Jackson.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm telling you, on the 12th, we were together that day.

I went to work, as I always do.

I came home, and she was murdered.

I told you guys that in the report.

You came home, and she was murdered.

That's exactly what I said, Jackson.

He's guilty.

He's done.

I'm sorry, Jackson.

You hear what he said?

Right.

He came home, and she was murdered. Jackson, this is America, not the Ukraine.
I mean, we have different ways. We need evidence.
Your Honor, he says he was home and she got killed. He is guilty.
Yeah, he'd be the worst detective, I think. One of the worst of all time.
Of all time. I thought I did pretty good.
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Bespoke Post.

You guys, Bespoke Post has a thing called the Box of Awesome. Yeah.
And what it is is the best Christmas gift you probably can give to anybody. All right.
So Bobby got me a Box of Awesome, which I thought was very cute and sweet. And I got a garment bag.
You want to bring it to me? Bring it to me. Bring me the garment bag.
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Thanks, George. Look at this.
Bobby got me this. It's blue because that's my favorite color.
And course. And it's just very nice of you.
It's very thoughtful. I don't own suits, but I do like to put shirts in here.
Yeah, that's why I got it for you. I know, because I travel.
Your suits are so wrinkly. Because I'm a wrinkly boy.
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very first box.

It's just, I don't know this

man that's sitting in front of me right now. Doc?

Yeah. He's confident.
No.

This is unlike him.

Why? Because he's usually

quiet

to himself.

You know, he's sort of like that.

This is black magic.

He's come alive.

I know, but I've known him for 20 years.

I've never seen him like this before.

Bobby's world.

He's drunk.

Bobby's world.

Bobby. Bobby's World.
Bobby's World.

Oh, my God.

You feel that shit?

He was pumping himself up in the car.

He's like, I'm going in.

I'm going to fuck home.

Did you drive here?

Yeah, I'm not drunk, dog.

This ain't no fucking.

Please wait like 30 minutes before you drive home.

No, no, I'm not drunk.

of the... Did you drive here? Yeah, I'm not drunk, dog.
This ain't no fucking... Please wait like 30 minutes before you drive home.
No, no, I'm not drunk. For real.
You buzzed a little bit? No. Okay.
I feel like I'm being interrogated again. I feel like I'm not being honest.
I'm being honest, too. I wouldn't play with y'all like that.
Okay. Yeah, that's real talk.
Okay. It's been a heavy episode.
It's been... This episode has been interesting.
It's been wild and weird as fuck. It's wild and weird.
What is this? You like it? I think so. I think I like it.
I like it a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a new depth. You go deeper deeper and deeper in yourselves and you find serendipity remember that word that's not what serendipity you said it what did you say it mean again i fucking forgot serendipity serendipitous means like something that's kind of universally happening out of pure luck and randomness that comes together.

It's serendipity.

It's serendipitous that Bobby called you that day to be on the show, and it was serendipitous because this worked out.

It worked out.

Okay.

Yeah, that's serendipitous.

That's exactly what I'm telling you right now.

It worked out.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Love you, Bobby.

I love you too, little one. Are you going somewhere for Thanksgiving? No, I'll be here.
I'll be working on Thanksgiving. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm going over. I got a Latino family that's been taking me in since 2000.
Stop, stop, stop, stop. Wait a minute.
This is something. Easy.
You're that guy? Hell yeah. You know where I'm from? Google guy texts the east la compas out there we do it easy easy we've lost all control of the show i'm sorry i love it hey man i really like It's weird.
I'm telling y'all. Y'all feel it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Google man text woman on accident Thanksgiving. Do you know this story? No.
Every year this warms my soul. I want to be warm.
Young man who was accident. That's Doc.
Young man was accidentally invited to grandma's Thanksgiving as a teen keeps the tradition going. So in 2016, Jamal Hinton and Wanda Dretch, they're still going so the first two met when drench from mesa just sent it oh she sent the text inviting him for dinner and it was meant for her grandson uh who had changed his phone number instead hinton got the message sitting in class in desert vista high school the two figured out the mistake they sent selfies to each other and then she was like come over to the house and they're on their sixth year of having thanksgiving together some random kid this young black kid jamal who and then he goes to this older white woman's house wow after d right, Doc? Just give me a minute.
Whew. A little bit of teary.
Did your brain get that stories like that, Tino? That's fucking... That shit is beautiful.
Did you feel the energy off that goddamn story? That shit... Fuck! What? I think I told it poorly.
i think bro i think we entered a different realm i mean i fucked up the story yeah yeah it doesn't matter it fucking but you drove him into you hit home bro you hit home that's a black kid and a white lady right i think so yeah give me Yeah. Give me a hug, bro.
Wait, what the fuck? What are you doing? We're making strides here, bro. Doc, we've been friends for a long time.
What is this? This is crazy. What's wrong with you today? Sit down, Doc.
Sit your fucking ass down. Bro, I love this guy, bro.
Bro, this shit is like, we bringing the whole fucking,

we got fucking Korea,

Philippines,

I remember,

and fucking me and this guy,

bro.

Yeah,

man.

This is another dynamic.

You better feel that shit,

bro.

Oh my,

feel it.

Okay,

sit down.

You, bro? Doc, you, bro? It's out of control. I think it's out of control.
Doc, can I? Okay, let's investigate. Let's investigate, Bob, for real.
Everything he says puts a cringe in my body. What happened today? What's going on today? Yeah, something happened.
I'm going to tell you something. Here we go.
I came here, and I was like, you know what? I love these guys. Talk to the mic? Yeah, I came here, and I said, I love these guys, right? Love Jules.
Love my little Korean brother. Love my little Anglo-Saxon, right? And I said, fuck, it was just the energy today, bro.
We was, you don't feel that? I do. You don't feel that? Everybody feels it.
I think that we're feeling it. I don't know if you want to do it today, but we need to do like a group hug one time.
Just to show. You hugged me already.
Yeah, but that was just me and you though. But Bobby didn't get, and then Jules didn't get in.
I feel like- Come over here.

Okay.

And I'll give you a hug.

Go get him on.

No, no, no.

I said a group hug, Bobby.

No, no.

You gave me a single hug.

Jules got to come.

No, Jules doesn't.

She steps out of this.

Yeah.

I want my individual hug.

Well, can we do like a contract right now first?

All right.

What do you mean?

Contractual.

Go ahead.

Because the contract got to be no violation.

You understand what I'm saying? No, I don't clear well you know no no cup in the buttocks no cup in the buttocks and uh that's not how I hug but alright three second rule three second rule pop pop see how we were maybe about me and Timo maybe about 20 seconds I get 20 seconds time out time out I know but time out You don. That was 20 seconds long.
20 seconds. I get 20 seconds.
Time out.

Fuck.

Time out.

That was 20 seconds long.

I know, but time out.

You don't understand

what 20 seconds is.

It's an eternity.

To him, it's an eternity.

Okay.

But I get the 20 seconds.

Yeah, okay.

I'll give you your 20.

The three second rule

refers to food on the ground.

Oh, that's what it is?

Not hugging.

What are you talking about?

Oh, I thought it was.

What did you think

the three second rule was?

It was five seconds.

Oh, it was five seconds. Did you hear French? French fancy? Oh, I thought it was.
Yeah. What did you think the three second rule was? It was five seconds.
Oh, it's five seconds. Did you hear Fancy? Yeah, they do it different in Spain.
Okay, they do it. Okay.
All right. All right, well, go give Bobby a hug.
You got a timer? You got to put this on your phone. Yeah, I'll do it right now.
We'll do a time here. And you want how long? So no ass? 20.
No ass cupping? Is that it? No cupping. No cheek to cheek.
Just plain old. Fucking specific, man.
Just hold up. Just plain old.
You know what, Doc? All right. I love you, buddy.
All right, get over there. Where are you guys going? We just got it right here.
Yeah, in the middle. We'll go in the middle.
Can you get it right here? Yeah, we see you. Okay.
All right. All right.
Well, I have some rules. Okay, okay.
I have some rules, too. Well, what too well what are the rules say it in your mic what are the rules what are the rules alright for me stand right there for me hugging is about chest to chest so the chests have to be locked in together right yeah it's like you know when a spaceship is trying to lock onto another spaceship that type of of thing we're locked in you know when it fuels this the fuel cell the what you didn't see interstellar you didn't understand it i can get i can guarantee you that all right so anyway so chest to chest right and um that's pretty much okay that's chest to chest can i make it some rules also i think chest to chest.
Yeah. Can I make some rules?

I think chest to chest, nose to nose is how you get a really good hug.

I know that.

Nose to nose is a good one.

I think chest to chest, nose to nose. Yeah, yeah.

I think chest to chest, nose to nose is good.

I think you guys got to be chest to chest, nose to nose.

No, we touch noses.

We touch noses.

We touch your nose.

I'm quarter Eskimo.

You know that.

He is.

Yeah, I'm quarter Eskimo. So chest to chest He is.
Yeah, I'm quarter Eskimo.

So chest to chest, nose to nose, what else?

Chest to chest, nose to nose.

Yeah, 20 seconds.

And tip to tip.

Yeah.

What is tip to tip?

Yeah, no tip to tip.

Tip to tip.

I will do tip.

I'll throw it in there.

Yeah, please.

At the end.

In the end.

In the last five seconds, tip to tip.

I will.

Also, can I just throw one last one last thing?

This is how we hug. I have carpal tunnel on both hands.
You do. Right? So I have to do underhooks.
I know that. Yeah.
So I have to do underhooks, chest to chest, nose to nose. I need underhooks.
All right. 20 seconds.
Chest to chest, nose to nose, underhooks. You cannot start the fucking clock until we touch noses.
Okay. All right.
Hey, man, I'm not making the rules. I'm just obeying them.
I'm not making the rules. I just obey them.
Get over there. I get under both.
I get pulled under. But remember, under no pressure.
Let's hurry up, man! You say when, Bob. Say when.
Chest to chest. Start the fucking clock.
Nose to nose. Nose to nose.
Nose to nose, nose to nose, nose to nose. Yeah.
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. Hold the nose doc.
Hold it, ready? One, two. What, he didn't hold nose to nose.
Okay, go. It would have been over with.
See? It would have been over with. It would have been over with.
Start it. Ready? One, two, three, go.
Hold it. Hold it and feel it, Doc.
You're into this love thing. I feel it, man.
Fucking six seconds and six seconds. I'm starting over.
I'm starting over. Dude, if you just went And you got six seconds is all you got.
We got to go. All right.
Ready? All right. Ready? And ready? One, two and...
Man, what the fuck?

Ready? One, two...

Come on, dude! Give him nose to nose!

One, two, three, go! Okay, it's on.

It's going.

Hold it, Doc.

Dick to dick. Dude, don't

give up.

Ten seconds. Come on.

Don't fuck up, Doc. So close.
Don't fuck up. 18, 19, 20.
All right, you did it. You did it.
That was pretty good. I don't think that was good at all.
Very good. Very good.
Thank you so much for that. Doc, honestly, thank you.
I'm a little nauseous. Did you like it, Bob? I did like it.
That was a pretty good hug. I did the best one I've had in a while.
You hooked. I hooked it up.
Yeah. Thank you so much for that Doc honestly Did you like it Bob? I did like it That was a pretty good hug

I did the best one I've had in a while

You hooked

I hooked it up

Yeah

Thank you so much bud

You're welcome though

Yeah yeah

How do you feel about all this shit?

Rude

Are you into this?

What is that?

Very intense

Very intense

Very intense

If I left

Hey Jules

If I left Kalilah

And I said to you

I'm dating Doc now

How would you feel about it?

Thank you. If I left, hey, Jules, if I left Kalilah and I said to you, I'm dating Doc now, how would you feel about it? Would you be supportive if we got married? Supportive, but I wouldn't go to your wedding.
Well, that's not supportive. That's the opposite of supportive.
That's not supportive. Yeah.
No, but I just make an excuse, but I would say. Oh, what? You have a commercial audition? What the fuck are you talking about? She's telling you in advance she has an excuse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't go to your wedding.

I'm doing something.

But I support it.

Oh, you support it.

How do you support it then

if you don't show up?

I'll give them a gift.

What gift?

What are you going to give us?

Dildos.

It's a good gift.

How else?

You don't like toys?

I mean, our marriage...

Bro, our marriage

is not going to survive on just anal sex alone.

No, you got it.

If you have, you got to have something.

We need devices, dude.

You know what I mean?

Okay.

All right.

Whatever you think, bro.

Like, I'm sending off emails, and you're like, you're on your belly.

You're completely naked.

I'm sending off emails.

Just listen.

Look at me right now.

Dude, I'm trying.

Look at me, dog.

It's hard to look in your face right now.

We have a king-sized bed, right?

Yeah.

We get a brand new house.

Cal King.

Cal King, right? I'm in my pajamas. This is one in the morning.
And you're on your belly, completely naked. Come on, Bob.
I go, I gotta send out these emails. Yeah, you're busy.
And he's like, come on, man. Here I am, with my little black hole exposed.
So I take one of the devices that I get from Jules.

And I'm doing emails, but I'm just, you know what I mean?

And you're just, I know, you're just, you know what I mean?

Chuck it milk all over my hand for some reason.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And send.

Right?

I'm doing emails, business. Yeah, that's good.
Very good. Here's the speed that everyone would like in this send.
Right? I'm doing emails. Business.
Oh, yeah. That's good.

Very good.

Very good.

Here's the speed that everyone would like in this room.

Ready?

Everyone in this room would like this.

This is the speed.

Okay.

Of the vibrator.

Jules' speed.

Ready?

Very good.

Can I press the button?

Bobby's speed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My speed.
Doc's speed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My speed.

Doc speed.

My hands are getting swallowed alive, right?

It's that little contraption in Dune.

Holy fuck, we're 15. We're 15 years old.
I'm a child. Thank all the hair in my mouth.
Holy fuck, we're 15.

We're 15 years old.

I'm a child.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.