Good Cop, Black Cop

Speaker 1 Hey bad friends, I'm on tour. Come see me this weekend.
I'm gonna be in Florida at Fort Lauderdale. Go to AndrewSantino.com and also New Year's Eve.
I'm gonna be in Phoenix doing New Year's shows.

Speaker 1 And then all next year, I'm everywhere. Go to AndrewSantino.com, AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.
Hey guys, I'm Steve.

Speaker 1 What's going on? It's really good to be here. And you know.

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Hey, Andrew, you want to see Judas?

Speaker 1 Right here, boy. Scissor bros in the building.

Speaker 1 Black Judas, boy.

Speaker 1 Look at this, boy.

Speaker 1 Look at the photo.

Speaker 1 Oh, I've never seen his face like that. Holy shit.
That was real anger.

Speaker 1 Oh, that was a pure rage

Speaker 1 washing over his face.

Speaker 1 That was insane, dude. They were like, Bobby and Tino are gonna love this.
Come through. And I said, you know what? No, no, we're not.
We're not.

Speaker 1 What is this? We're gonna love.

Speaker 1 I don't love this shit. Yeah, I don't love it either.
Dude, they're biting off of our shit. Now it's whack.
It is whack to you?

Speaker 1 Talking to the mic, dog. I thought you were a pro, dog.

Speaker 1 No, dude, dude. What it is

Speaker 1 is

Speaker 1 Shakespearean. It's Shakespearean betrayal.
This is betrayal. Betrayal.
Look at our house. Little knives on our backs.
We're doing a Scissor Brothers. We have to put the stuff on.

Speaker 1 What is this? It's Scissor Brothers Club. Oh, is this Jeremiah? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, right.

Speaker 1 I remember.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 I remember.

Speaker 1 Is this brand new?

Speaker 1 This is? Yep. Do we have to wear the shirts? What shirt is that? I don't know why.

Speaker 1 What is that? Do I get an instrumental? Oh, straight up. Do you know what this is called? You don't know, do you? Recorder.
Wow. I used to play it.
Can you rip? No.

Speaker 1 And you have an accordion in front of you.

Speaker 1 I have an accordion in front of you. You have an accordion in front of you.

Speaker 1 Careful. You know you.
I love Doc. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's gay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 1 That's really good. That's pretty good.
That was my first time.

Speaker 1 It actually was pretty good.

Speaker 1 Wait, the lyrics. My friend,

Speaker 1 Doc,

Speaker 1 he gay.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 I've been proving.

Speaker 1 Every time I do it,

Speaker 1 you come up with a riff. Ready? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Rudy.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 1 I want to be supportive. I want to be supportive.
That's a very good premise, a beginning. Hold on.
Rudy.

Speaker 1 Doc.

Speaker 1 Fancy.

Speaker 1 And then George.

Speaker 1 And then Pete.

Speaker 1 Fuck this. I don't like this.
Bro, bro. If you were an Indian dude,

Speaker 1 the snake would not come out of the fucking hand.

Speaker 1 He'd just be like, because that song sucks. He'd just be just

Speaker 1 like, what's he playing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to do my little thing.

Speaker 1 This is for this. This is for the

Speaker 1 moment. I don't want to do this.
Why are we promoting this song? I know, guys. I fuck this shit, man.
Fuck this guy. That's exactly what I was saying.
I don't like this, dude. Okay.

Speaker 1 This is giving this show more attention, these guys, and they don't deserve it. Look at his fucking shirt.
What? Look at his fucking shit. Oh, my fucking God.
Where are you?

Speaker 1 Who are the fucking sh- There's nothing wrong with this, fellas?

Speaker 1 Yeah. We're connected.
No, no, no. What does it say on the

Speaker 1 traitor?

Speaker 1 You know what it's like, dude? Those guys are connected. It's like a Manchester United team.
Like

Speaker 1 Christiana Ronaldo walking into the Old Trafford training room

Speaker 1 with a fucking Manchester City sweatshirt. That's exactly.
That's Manchester United. That's exactly.
You know what they would have done? They would fucking burn him alive. Wow.

Speaker 1 They would burn him alive in Old Trafford, and no one would ever talk to him about it again. I don't know what I just want to burn me?

Speaker 1 No, we don't want to burn you because of the climate, because of the culture.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 if this happened eight years ago, you would have been burned, bro.

Speaker 1 Hot dock. Yeah.
Hot dock. Hot dock.
Well, I'm glad.

Speaker 1 All right, so

Speaker 1 real quick, real quick, bro, take that off. Oh, you really want me to take that? Okay.
100%. Yeah.
Okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's get up on it. It's right there.
I want you to take that off. Yeah, take that off.
Who did they give that to you? Yeah. Let me see it.
You know who they bit that from?

Speaker 1 Dumbfounded. You know how he has this Korean town fucking sweatshirt? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Nice. Here, put Doc, put this on instead.
That's Jeremy. You're Jeremiah today.
Yeah, yeah. Give me that jersey real fast.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, hold on. I won't destroy it.

Speaker 1 I won't destroy it. I'll be right back.

Speaker 1 Where are you going? You're right back.

Speaker 1 Hey, guys.

Speaker 1 I'm Steve.

Speaker 1 I am

Speaker 1 47, but I act like I'm 12.

Speaker 1 Are you tired, Rudy? No. You rubbing your eyes.
Well, Rudy has done a little change because what happened to Rudy last night is she left the house at night. She came back a different person.

Speaker 1 Where did she go, you ask? She went to the Harry Styles concert. Oh my God, to H.
Styles? Yeah. Yeah.
How cutie patooty is he?

Speaker 2 He's so amazing, magical, perfect.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I love him so much. I know.
What's one of his songs?

Speaker 3 What

Speaker 3 do you mean?

Speaker 3 I'm sorry, by the way.

Speaker 3 Never coming back out.

Speaker 3 Can't you see if things just stayed the same?

Speaker 2 Na na na na na.

Speaker 1 Is this a hit? Yeah. Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Wait, the lyrics were so bad. What? Say it.
Don't sing it. Just say.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, by the way.

Speaker 2 Never coming back down.

Speaker 1 Can't you see? You're still singing it? Yeah, you can't just. You just talk it.
Just talk it. I want to sing it.
All right. You know what? I'd love to hear another one.
Let's hear another one.

Speaker 1 We'll hear another Hairstyle song.

Speaker 3 Watermelon Sugar High.

Speaker 1 That song I'm going to talk about. Watermelon Sugar High.

Speaker 1 Watermelon Sugar High.

Speaker 1 Watermelon Sugar. Doc, hi.
We have Tammy Faye Baker in the room.

Speaker 1 Back from the dead.

Speaker 1 My God. Dude, if he had a Sunday morning church service on TV, right?

Speaker 1 He wouldn't get a lot of followers, maybe eight. I'd be there.
But those eight would die for him. Let me hear what you have to say to us.
Prey out. Preacher.
Preacher. Peacher.

Speaker 1 Peter Doc.

Speaker 1 I have come to unite the public. I am somebody special.

Speaker 1 Love me or hate me. I love my goddamn self.
And tonight.

Speaker 1 Is this preacher a narcissist? Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is how I'm supposed to. I'm supposed to be a nice nigga.
Yeah, but preachers don't gloat like I'm the best preacher in the world. No, they don't? No.

Speaker 1 Oh, they talk about Jesus a little bit. They're supposed to be humble and talk about God or more.
Start over, start over, start over. Okay.
Tonight, we're going to talk about the Lord.

Speaker 1 Then after that,

Speaker 1 you talk about me. Now.

Speaker 1 God is good. God is good.
But I'm great.

Speaker 1 Amen. Can I get an amen? He is so self-discriminating.
He's a preacher. Yeah, yeah.
Hey, this is for the scissor bros. Yeah.
No, don't do that.

Speaker 1 Don't do it. Tino, don't do it, dude.
Don't do it. Don't do it.
Don't do it. Don't do it.

Speaker 1 Don't, don't. It's my brother.

Speaker 1 Don't do it. I don't care.
Yeah, you do.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I want you to do it. I want you to do it.
I want to do it so bad, too. Because we're out of this studio.
I want to light this whole thing on fire.

Speaker 1 Okay, but what I'm saying is that my brother is very sensitive. And if you want to start a real war with him, that's not good for us.

Speaker 1 We would beat him. I don't know, but I don't want him to die.
I know, but it would be.

Speaker 1 I know. I know we would be able to defeat them.
I won't burn this because I know that's one of six shirts Doc owns.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm JK and Doc. Doc, dog, I know you got more than that.
Anyway, so watermelon sugar high.

Speaker 1 What's watermelon sugar? I thought that was talking about.

Speaker 1 It's Punani, isn't it? It's about Punani. It's Punani juice.
That's what watermelon sugar is.

Speaker 1 Do you know that? That's Punanani. I've never eaten a pussy and thought watermelon.
Let's ask Doc. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, don't. You can't ask the black guy if he likes watermelon.
I didn't.

Speaker 1 I think you did. I think you did.
Did I? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 When you're listening to Watermelon Sugar High, Doc, in your car, right?

Speaker 1 What happened? Does your dick get hard or does your mouth water?

Speaker 1 My dick gets hurt. Does both get hard because

Speaker 1 bombshell. I don't like watermelon.

Speaker 1 What? Yeah, I don't fuck that watermelon.

Speaker 1 He's just blowing my mind.

Speaker 1 You don't like watermelon at all.

Speaker 1 I love watermelon. You know what, Doc? It makes me sick.
Let me say my stomach. I'm glad you said that because I hate rice.

Speaker 1 I hate it.

Speaker 1 I hate it.

Speaker 1 So you don't like

Speaker 1 that. That's so funny.

Speaker 1 I don't want to get stereotypical in the show. We can ask at the same time.
One, two, three, do you like fried chicken?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What was I?

Speaker 1 I didn't say anything.

Speaker 1 You said fried chicken. No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did. I said, do you like fries? Yeah, I'm not even willing to.
I started sweating when you said, do you like. I said french fried.

Speaker 1 I mean, I mean, do you like fried fried?

Speaker 1 Do you like fried chicken? Love fried chicken. You have to be easy.
Yeah, you have to like fried chicken. Right.
I love it with a pack. Dude, watermelon is the greatest fruit ever in Vinod.

Speaker 1 How do you not like watermelon? How do you not like it?

Speaker 1 I don't like it. It just don't taste good.
But if you put a little bit of Chile on there and some lemon juice, shout out to East L.A. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, it's good that way, bro.

Speaker 1 You don't fucking, hey, that's fine. You're talking about taheen.
You're talking about taheen, right? Taheen, right? Yeah, taheen is good as fuck.

Speaker 1 Have you ever had a fruit cart from the side of the road? I refuse. What? Yeah.
Bob. I refuse.
Bob, watermelon with fresh taheen on it and stuff. Can't do it.

Speaker 1 It's fresh, cut up, pineapple on the fish.

Speaker 1 Is it fresh? They cut it right there in front of me. I'll do it.
Okay, we need to do it. Yeah, yeah.
But it's not like pre-packaged for them. No, they cut it right in front of me.

Speaker 1 Mango, pineapple, watermelon, and then let me ask you another thing. So,

Speaker 1 what's the stereotype? The stereotype is black people like... Can't swim.

Speaker 1 I'd never even heard of that before. Can't swim? I have, but I haven't.

Speaker 1 I have, but I haven't.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's go through all the stereotypes of all

Speaker 1 the stereotypes of all races. All right, so we'll start with Doc.
With the ones that are in the room. Okay.

Speaker 1 The ones in the room, I feel like we can do it because we need somebody to defend themselves. Correct.
All right. So

Speaker 1 let's go with Black first because we're already on the topic of it. Yeah, right? Doc doesn't like watermelon.
That's crazy. Never heard of that before.
Does like fried chicken. Loves it.
Love it.

Speaker 1 Can swim? Can swim. No.
How good? I'm good. You know, maybe half a pool.
You know what I'm saying? All right, but let me ask you. What happens when you get to the halfway point of the pool? He drowns.

Speaker 1 He drowns. He falls from the bottom.
So you can't respond. He falls from the bottom.
Like, man, you know, I'm doing a good job.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He just drops to the bottom. Yeah.

Speaker 1 At least it's the effort, though. Let me ask you this, Doc.
So if Andrew and I had a boat, and we're like, hey, let's go sailing. Deep, deep, deep, not deep fish.
Deep sea. Deep sea sailing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, deep, deep, deep, deep fish sailing. Deep sea sailing.
Fishing, right? Yeah. Come.
We threw you overboard. That's a joke, right? Funny.

Speaker 1 How long would you be able to stay out there alive, you think? About a half a pool, like I told you. So that's what I'm saying.
No, no, that's not a way.

Speaker 1 You're talking about how long could you tread water for? Oh, tread water?

Speaker 1 Maybe about a good 35 seconds or something like that. Yeah, he's out.
He's out. Like a six or 15 craps of him treading.
I ain't been out there. You can't tread water for 35 seconds.
Yeah, you're dead.

Speaker 1 You're a dead. You would have been the first one to die on the Titanic.

Speaker 1 Who could tread? Right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, probably.

Speaker 1 No, Andrew and I, I could wade in the ocean for at least six hours before I got. You float?

Speaker 1 He He floats. Six hours.
He's floating. He's got a floating.

Speaker 1 Bro, we got to do this at a pool. I got to see that shit.
It's amazing. He floats.
I'm not going to do six hours of.

Speaker 1 I got shit to do.

Speaker 1 We're going to go to a fucking public pool.

Speaker 1 You're going to put me in the fucking deep end and go, let's see. You can't do it, Bobby.

Speaker 1 He does. He's so mouthy.
But he looks like a preacher right now. Yeah, by his outfit, I think.

Speaker 1 Did you go to the Harry Styles concert too? That's what it feels like.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So, do you have wine in that thing again?

Speaker 1 How did you know because i can smell it when you're drinking on the job

Speaker 1 all right so the other one was uh what uh no dad

Speaker 1 you're you i had a dad well well well yeah well but you were there don't bring up the dad

Speaker 1 we talked about it don't bring it up maybe we all got dad problems

Speaker 1 yeah but ours weren't

Speaker 1 in a cellar mine was in prison

Speaker 1 so that's kind of mine was in a cellar yeah

Speaker 1 your dad's in prison yeah real talk real talk

Speaker 1 I told you high five about it. Okay, that's a little bit of a double.
That's a connection right there. In black culture, it is.
It is? Well, you got to know somebody in jail if you're black. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you know somebody in jail right now? 100%. Told you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Doing that tank. Does I know your dad? Do I know somebody? He's not in jail anymore.
Love you, Jamal.

Speaker 1 He goes, Love you, Jamal.

Speaker 1 Miss Jamal. What is he in for?

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 What are you doing in 87?

Speaker 1 87 years?

Speaker 1 He's eligible for parole in 87 years. Can I tell you what he did?

Speaker 1 He had like a dime bag of weed.

Speaker 1 Stairs pumped. It could be

Speaker 1 awful.

Speaker 1 It was murder.

Speaker 1 It was something like that. Yeah.
You know.

Speaker 1 Life was rolling hard on him. Well, so, anyway, so

Speaker 1 you can swim, so that's broken, right? You hate watermelon. That stereotype is broken.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I have one.

Speaker 1 What? Oh, shit. I don't know.

Speaker 1 BBC.

Speaker 1 Big black cock. Hold on.
Somebody's on the bottom. Big black cock.
What the?

Speaker 1 Stop talking. Stop talking.
Everyone, stop talking. Stop talking for a second.
How the fuck do you know what BBC means?

Speaker 1 I just know.

Speaker 1 She does just know. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Big black cock. I know now.

Speaker 1 But I didn't know. But wait a minute.
You don't know if he has a BBC or not. You better not know.

Speaker 3 I don't know. It's just a stereotype.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay, okay, okay but you said it a little too like you're sure

Speaker 1 let me ask you this jules and this is and doc's not gonna be offended and i want an answer from you an honest answer do you think that he is a bbc

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 exactly no she said maybe there's no way

Speaker 1 standard standard oh you have a band

Speaker 1 standard cock bro if you're walking around here in my standard you know what i'm saying you know what that is an SIBC? Yeah. A standard-issued black cock?

Speaker 1 I think that's something I would ask once I was about to get fucked in the ass. I would turn around and go, is it standard? You go, advanced.
You're like, oh, fuck, fuck. It's advanced.

Speaker 1 It's from the future. Oh, fuck.
All right. Is there any other stereotypes that you know, Rudy? That's it.
That's it. All right, let's do Bobby.
Asian, Korean specifically? I think Asians.

Speaker 1 You got to take Asian. Go ahead.
I could defend it. Well, because you and her are going to have some overlap.

Speaker 1 Why? Well, you're both Asian. Right, but from different parts.
I know, but there's the dog thing is the dog thing. What dog thing?

Speaker 1 I don't know the dog thing.

Speaker 1 We love them? That you eat them. No, no.
You do. Me specifically?

Speaker 1 Your people?

Speaker 1 That's true. You people.

Speaker 1 You people. You people love dogs.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Traditionally, your people like dungs. But I have to argue, though, that poor white people eat shit like squirrels and snakes and shit, right? 100% true.
We're going to get to whites in the house.

Speaker 1 Raccoon. Yeah, hey, they chowed out on some raccoon, bro.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he's Italian, though. He's not.
And Irish. I got both.
Oh, you got, oh, wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, Doc, he's fucking white. White.
No, but it's. He's white.
Italians are a little different, bro. They're not.

Speaker 1 They're like. What is he going to say? I think they're like the black people of white people, but that's just, I'm not on, no, I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's right, Doc. Would that be correct or not? Yeah, I think.
Yeah, you're correct. Okay, let's go to Asians.

Speaker 1 You don't like dog.

Speaker 1 That's a problem.

Speaker 1 Shattered. You like dog.
She likes the taste of dog.

Speaker 1 Not eating them. I don't know.

Speaker 1 The way he responded.

Speaker 3 I love dogs.

Speaker 2 I care for dogs, but I don't eat dogs.

Speaker 1 Say, I don't eat dogs. Say that.
I don't eat dogs. All right, can we edit that to just plank out the don't part? I'd eat dogs.
I'd eat dogs.

Speaker 1 You hate rice? No, I actually do. You love rice.

Speaker 1 Everyone loves rice. White or brown? I'm more of a white guy.

Speaker 1 I fucked with

Speaker 1 purple.

Speaker 1 Have you had purple rice? I like purple rice. Do you like purple rice? I do.
Yeah, yeah. With the little beans in it? I thought for a second you were referring to

Speaker 1 you were using rice as a metaphor for other shit. Like what? I thought you liked purple.
You're saying you're talking about purples.

Speaker 1 Okay. Because Asians have purples.
Dark purples. Dark purples.
Yeah. But you like, you prefer white rice over brown rice.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute.

Speaker 1 How do you like your

Speaker 1 rice? Taste for rice?

Speaker 1 You like your rice brown. He would, see?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Look, I've had brown rice.
Look at what he does. The problem is.
What's the problem? I think white is just better.

Speaker 1 In terms of rice, yes. I'm talking about rice.
Not healthier. Yes.

Speaker 1 In terms of rice, they're superior. Not healthier.
White rice is the most superior. They were born superior.
Superior.

Speaker 1 Healthier. yeah you're right that's true no white rice isn't

Speaker 1 healthier for you

Speaker 1 drinking more he is

Speaker 1 when did you start drinking doc i've been drinking y'all this remember when i used to park y'all cars i was drinking he was boozing the whole time in the parking lot of the comedy store i'm dead serious one time i did actually smell on doc's breath and i was like man is this he drinking i thought you know what it was and remember when when eric was the general manager he told me to stop having a glass of wine when I was parking cars because I would always walk car to car with the glass and people

Speaker 1 come to y'all cars with a picture of the car. Can you imagine a valet?

Speaker 1 Or anyone parking your car has a glass of wine that they're going to be in? With wine. Yeah.
I'd be like, no, I'll park it myself. But hide a beer.
He's got a glass of wine. He's swirling it.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Oh, no, just leave the keys there.

Speaker 1 It's insane.

Speaker 1 Oh, no,

Speaker 1 I'll back it in. I'll back it in.
This shit's nutty.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. Y'all should see the tannins in this motherfucker.
I've never drunk parking y'all.

Speaker 1 I know, but when you wake up in the morning, this morning, when you woke up, Doc, when you woke up this morning is that like an orange juice for you like you drink alcohol or no no no no this is my my uh when the sun goes down two to three maybe four in the evening wait what two glasses time oh what glasses you know that's like a bottle

Speaker 1 that's a bottle of wine a little bit

Speaker 1 not every day though uh every other day yeah something like every

Speaker 1 four or five days he's a fucking he's a fucking problem what what's wrong with me it's fine you're fine wait a minute

Speaker 1 you you're having a bottle of wine every other day No, not every other day. I would say...
Well, it depends because I bought a 1.5 liter.

Speaker 1 This is, that's another stereotype. Black guys don't like wine usually, do they? No.
No. See, cracked another one.
Another one. Cracked.
Another one. Cracked.
I don't like beer.

Speaker 1 I don't like malt liquor. Well, malt liquor, that's right.
Do you like Hennessy? No. When you smoke cigarettes, you like menthol?

Speaker 1 Where the fuck do you get cigarettes from? I don't smoke cigarettes. Anyway, but if you do, do you smoke menthol?

Speaker 1 I would guess. I don't know.
Yeah, me too. He does.
Yeah, I guess that too. I feel like if if there was a bunch of cigarettes on the ground, they're like, pick one now.

Speaker 1 He would just grab the new port just instinctively. No, no, no.
You smoke spirits, right? He smokes American spirits. What of it? Menthol.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. No.
No? No, he smokes the regular ones. Oh, fucking accused me of smoking menthol, dog.
What the fuck are you doing, bro? Wait, hold on. Let me backtrack for a second.

Speaker 1 I really do want to know. Did you go to Harry's alone?

Speaker 2 With a friend.

Speaker 1 Who was the friend?

Speaker 2 Grace.

Speaker 1 What's she? What is she? What's she? From school?

Speaker 2 From school.

Speaker 1 Huh? What? is school done

Speaker 1 when is school done it's november of course not done i don't know when they're done with them you mean for the summer or just for the winter breaker break oh isn't this now aren't you done um i'm done december 15.

Speaker 1 and when i say school you're not going into school are you no yeah you don't have to do that no i thought she graduated am i in college oh you're in college now yeah

Speaker 1 yeah she's in college now so we went from rice to dog Is that it? For you? For Asians, yeah. Rice,

Speaker 1 dog. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Driving badly. Driving badly.

Speaker 1 You are a bad driver. Me specifically or my people? You specifically.
Your people. Yeah, but I wouldn't.
We're just doing stereo. I wouldn't put that on my people, though.
You're horrible.

Speaker 1 You're a

Speaker 1 horrible driver.

Speaker 1 You're the only dude I've ever seen with duct tape on his bumper. It's just,

Speaker 1 bro, this guy guy would pull into the comedy store parking lot, like, what the fuck, Bobby? Like, this guy.

Speaker 1 And then, if his car gets fixed, it's fucked up the next week. I'm like, how the fuck did this guy do? You don't give a shit about you.
He just doesn't care about cars.

Speaker 1 You don't care when I used to clean out your car? You used to pay me? You know, I'm done with you pointing at my car. No, no, no.
This guy's inside of his car.

Speaker 1 I'm done with the pointing, bro. I'm going to tell y'all something bad for you.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
This guy's car is the dirtiest shit you would ever fucking like. What's in it? Dude, it's too much.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. He's going off.
I don't like it. I love it.
Cigarettes.

Speaker 1 Better help. Hey.
Oh.

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Hey. On this show.

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Bob and I both have mental health issues. We talk about it pretty openly.

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Speaker 1 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/slash bad friends.

Speaker 1 Hello, Tushie. Oh, talk, talk, talk.
My butthole, you could eat an egg off of it because it's so clean because of hello, Tushie.

Speaker 1 Bidets have changed my life. Same.
And him and I, right, we installed a Hello Tushie here at the office. We have them at home.
Have you used it at the office? Never. Never.
He's never used it.

Speaker 1 You know what a bidet is? Yeah. Okay.
It's incredible. It's incredible.
Anyway, Hello Tushie is affordable. Yep.
It's easy to install. Easy.
Right? And it's a life-changer.

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Give it as a gift. This is a great gift, especially for someone that you know has uses too much toilet paper and has a dirty ass.
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Speaker 1 Just smells like ass and feet and diarrhea and fucking diarrhea. I'm not finished.
That's just shit.

Speaker 1 You're finished. You went from shit to diarrhea, dude? All right, diarrhea.
I'm not finished. All right, go ahead.
The zoo, it's every fucking bad zoo combined.

Speaker 1 Fucking fish tacos after they've been left outside for about two months. It's just like your car stink, bro.
Like, that shit used to be like,

Speaker 1 okay. No, Bob,

Speaker 1 I was a little angry.

Speaker 1 I was just a little angry. My bad.

Speaker 1 Did it hurt your feelings? It hurt.

Speaker 1 His aggressiveness hurt. Rudy, is any of that stuff true? Does the car smell? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It smells like poo and it's just really dirty.

Speaker 1 But not diarrhea, though. Regular poo.
I said poo. Thank you.
Yeah, just regular poo. poo.
Yeah. Doc, you're exaggerating with diarrhea.

Speaker 1 Just regular poo. Regular poo, dude.
Yeah, it's nothing insane. Yeah.
It's not runny shit. Yeah.
And like fish taggos have been out for a month. You know what I mean? Maybe a week.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 A month? But how many days in a week, though? Every day. Yeah, every day.
Every day, so you don't know which one is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so we got that, that bad driver, I am. Yeah, bad driver, you are.
Bad at math. What guarantee? Oh, so you're the one.

Speaker 1 What? I can barely add. 8 plus 12.
What did you say? Yeah, it took him too long. 8 plus 12? 1P20.
Okay, yeah, but you'd said the what did you say? Just to pause to get to the math in the head.

Speaker 1 14 times 6. Yep.
14 times 6? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can't do it. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Does anybody know real fast? 240. 284.

Speaker 1 No. What? 84.
84.

Speaker 1 Pete. That's it.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Pete.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 What else?

Speaker 1 Bad at math.

Speaker 1 Andrew, I know. What? Pixelated.

Speaker 1 Pixelated. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is it pixelated? What's pixelated? Your cock, because every time you watch Asian porn, it's all like pixelated around the cock.

Speaker 1 I just asked a question. Can I get an answer? That's all I want is an answer.
I'll give you a fucking answer. This is still my show, friend.

Speaker 1 I'll give you a fucking answer. All right.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you something privately? They do pixelation in post, fuckface. It's not like a normal thing that occurs when we pull down our pants.
It's just us being pixelated. Okay, my bear.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be honest.

Speaker 1 When he said that, I understood.

Speaker 1 I understood that.

Speaker 1 But first of all,

Speaker 1 you should have been more offended. That's Japanese penises.

Speaker 1 He's Korean. Japanese people do have weird pixelated vaginas and pussies.

Speaker 1 But Koreans don't. Okay, my bear.

Speaker 1 Thank you. But I'm learning.
Asian stereotype, small penis thing. You do.
Average.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 I do think you have a small penis, but it's not embarrassingly small. It's small like it's supposed to be.
Your penis is just as big as it's supposed to be. So average for you, yes.

Speaker 1 For grown men, no, I don't think.

Speaker 1 I just you joke about it. My gut.

Speaker 1 Can I tell what my gut says? What does your gut say? My gut says, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 My gut's saying, leave now. All right.
We just begun. I know we just did.
Okay. That's why I'm staying.
I'm having fun. I know you are.
And Doc is doing fun. Doc is auto-controlled.

Speaker 1 He's drunk as fuck. I know.
I love it.

Speaker 1 Yes. All right.
Okay, so, but you do. Okay.
All right, small dick. I got that one.
Fine. Let's move on.

Speaker 1 But we did say yes to that. No, I don't want to.
I'm not signing off on it. Say yes.
I'm not going to say yes on it. Please say yes.
Just to move on? Yeah. But do I have to mean it? You do.

Speaker 1 Yes. Okay, good.
Is that the last stereotype that we can think of for Koreans? Do you know any?

Speaker 1 Take your time.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're not listening. We have the capability of editing out 30 minutes of silence.

Speaker 2 I just know for Koreans, they're usually handsome.

Speaker 1 So, does Bobby break that stereotype? Absolutely.

Speaker 1 That's preposterous. Get on the pin tools.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Interesting.

Speaker 1 No, go back to the mic.

Speaker 1 Interesting that you say that. What are you doing right now? Why do you keep looking down? Nothing, but whatever you're

Speaker 1 you have knives, yeah. I'm sorry, I went back off a bit,

Speaker 1 I went back off a bit, and this is not something that you can go crazy with knives for, right?

Speaker 1 But what are you saying that

Speaker 1 Koreans are generally good looking, but Bobby Lee is ugly?

Speaker 2 Not the same level.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 I agree with it.

Speaker 1 I thought about it. Why not?

Speaker 1 I fucked it up. I think I fucked it up.
Like, who are some handsome Korean men? Well, if you look at, like, I think she's referring to the people that are in K-pop.

Speaker 1 Or just in... People that are visually seen in the public, I guess.
So you're comparing me with, like, BTS. BTS, John Cho, these types of people?

Speaker 1 Jet Lee.

Speaker 1 Jet Lee. Jet Lee.

Speaker 1 Also Korean women. Yeah.
Hot Korean men. I mean,

Speaker 1 wow.

Speaker 1 Is that Bolo? No, that ain't Bolo.

Speaker 1 Remember Bolo from Inner the Dragon, Bruce Lee? Oh, Bolo.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
Is that all the stereotypes? I think that's it. All right.
Do me? Let's go, Jules. White's hard.
White's very hard.

Speaker 1 Yeah, whites are very hard.

Speaker 1 what is that he thinks he really generally believes in his heart i know this guy he generally believes in his heart that he's better than us

Speaker 1 only in america i know only in america right only in america because i can walk around and people go hello friend and i go hello

Speaker 1 only in america and they go excuse me do you know how to uh can i have directions i go i will give them to you you know and i can walk freely and then cops are like sir you were speeding i'm like I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 And he's like, get out of here.

Speaker 1 Right. Yeah.
But in Afghanistan, though. Woohoo!

Speaker 1 No, none of us are going to fucking get Afghanistan, man. Nobody walks around.
No, but a Korean dude, a fat Korean dude in Afghanistan, fucked, man.

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to, you know,

Speaker 1 trying to find somebody to break him down a little bit. He's on his own.
Say whatever that comes to mind. He does.
Yeah, he does. Let it fly.
Let it fly. Good.

Speaker 1 What kind of wine do you have in there? Pinot noir.

Speaker 1 Barefoot. Someone likes barefoot, Pinotir.
Get it.

Speaker 1 All right, let's do Jules.

Speaker 1 What about Filipinos?

Speaker 1 You know the most. I know a lot.
So

Speaker 1 they're great

Speaker 1 performers, singers. Yeah.
The dancing's off the scale. And you can do almost none of that.

Speaker 1 She can't sing or dance. Well, no, the singing at the beginning of the episode was good.
Can we hear a little bit of, let's hear a little bit more Harris styles? Let's hear it. Ready?

Speaker 3 Go.

Speaker 3 We'll be fine, line.

Speaker 3 We'll be fine, line.

Speaker 3 Yeah. We'll be all right.

Speaker 1 Sorry about that.

Speaker 1 If I bought that song off of iTunes, I'd do an instant refund.

Speaker 1 What were you saying? We'll be fine.

Speaker 3 Line.

Speaker 1 We'll be fine, line.

Speaker 3 We'll be alright.

Speaker 1 We'll be alright.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
So, okay, you can't sing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's drunk. Yeah, that's what it feels like.
Okay, can't sing. Can you dance? No.

Speaker 1 Box. Can you box? That's big.
Filipinos are huge boxers. No.
There's one guy that's good. What sucks about the Philippines? One guy is good.
Yeah, but he's so sad. No.

Speaker 1 I know, but everyone goes, you know, Manny Packet, Manny Packet. You're one of the greatest of all time.
I know, but it doesn't necessarily mean that everyone can do what.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Mike Tyson is probably the best of all time.
And,

Speaker 1 you know, black guys are are going to fight.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Okay, so what else for you? A lot of men are actually women.

Speaker 1 And actually, a lot of women are actually men. But I'm not a guy.

Speaker 1 I understand. I think their views on

Speaker 1 gender and LGBT stuff and all that stuff is more evolved. But wait a minute, though.
Are the Filipino people cool with it or is it just... They are.
They're more accepting.

Speaker 1 Like, if you are a guy and you're dressing, walking down the street wearing a dress or whatever, and that. They leave him alone.

Speaker 1 I think so, yeah do they didn't people don't bother people like that yeah you always see a guy like wearing really short shorts that you can almost see his penis they call him lady boys right yeah lady boys so when we went to the philippines and we did um my talent show there in cebu we had a category that was like other

Speaker 1 so it could be anything right can be non-gender so we had a lot of jules was there We had a lot of people that were

Speaker 1 from that community

Speaker 1 perform. Right.
And they were the greatest performers i've ever seen in my fucking life yeah they don't give a fuck they light themselves on fire

Speaker 1 they just gas like they don't give a fuck they'll jump over a wall i'm sure like the bigots love that dog yeah you should light yourself on fire but they are

Speaker 1 dude and i'm pitching a show you know i'm doing that wrong yeah where it's um a talent show in the philippines and i'm gonna fly out two other comedians to be the judges huh i'm right here you want to go why wouldn't I go?

Speaker 1 Joe Coi would be better.

Speaker 1 You said two others. Who's the other other? Someone else, but like, you know.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Joe Coy would be better. What is he? Filipino.
Okay, Joe Coy, and then who else? There's not another Filipino.

Speaker 1 Like Miss Pat or something would be fun.

Speaker 1 I get it. Okay.
Anyway, so what is there anything?

Speaker 1 Is there anything else?

Speaker 1 What are the stereotypes? I'm trying to figure out. Well, you know Filipinos more than anything.
You've lived with them for years.

Speaker 1 You are Filipino, partially. They feel comfortable walking around with no shoes.
Is that shoes? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like it. She loves it.
She loves no shoes. Do white.
Do me. Okay, do white.
Or Irish or Italian.

Speaker 1 Well, white. So you guys like to

Speaker 1 wedge yourself in other people's situations. Mm-hmm.
You know what I mean? The best at it. You're the best at that.
Yep. So that's a check.
Check.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 You like to outwardly say your inner thoughts.

Speaker 1 I feel uncomfortable right now.

Speaker 1 Right. Whereas a lot of these things you should just keep to yourself.
I got to let it out. I know.
You don't. But anyway.
Yeah. You don't.
Okay. Okay.
So those are two checks. Pop up.
All right.

Speaker 1 Number three.

Speaker 1 You like to pretend, right, that you're you care about poor people

Speaker 1 and at times you're philanthropic and

Speaker 1 giving,

Speaker 1 but it's all to serve your own ego.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 You are

Speaker 1 cut the shit, Bobby. That's too nice.
What? Can I tell you? It's too nice. Oh, he wants to do the real stuff.
Oh, fuck yeah. Go ahead, give me the real stuff.
Goddamn rhythm fucking horrible and bad.

Speaker 1 Like, hey, are you?

Speaker 1 No, I ain't gonna say horrible in bed, but you know.

Speaker 1 You know, barely average Cox. It's all over the place, Bobby.
This is.

Speaker 1 I was going to say. Where you been?

Speaker 1 I don't. I don't.

Speaker 1 You was kissing ass, dude.

Speaker 1 If I'm an investigator, right? If we gonna go hard. Listen, if I'm interrogating.
This is good cop. Black cop.
Yeah, if I'm interrogating, if I'm interrogating, right, a murder suspect, right?

Speaker 1 My first question isn't about the murder.

Speaker 1 I want to get into like, you know, so where were you July 12th? Well, you're the deal with the black people. Right.
But you know what? Can I say this?

Speaker 1 You do massage the the witness a little bit better. What do you mean? You massage the witness.

Speaker 1 In the beginning, you don't really drap him. You're really good.
I think I'd be good. You would, you'd, you'd be like, what have you been up to lately? Yeah, you really kind of dig in.

Speaker 1 I would even go. And Doc's like, you a murderer, bro.
He'd ask me. Yeah,

Speaker 1 let's say you're a murder suspect. I think the first thing I was like, oh, cool, sweatshirt.
Yeah, I'm a murderer suspect. No, you know, you wouldn't bring the murder object in the fucking.

Speaker 1 You're not going to. There's blood on it and fucking evidence.
You're not going to walk in like that. What do you want to know?

Speaker 1 dripping with blood down my hand well you know uh 15 we found 15 school kids you know what i mean stabbed with these little knives yeah yeah i heard about it yeah yeah heard about it and um you are in possession with one oh no i just this is uh i was doing a school project myself oh you do yeah what's the blood what me my blood may we have that to do uh dna testing this is my scissor Get it.

Speaker 1 They would grab it. You would at some point.
Yeah, we would. But what if I just put it up my ass?

Speaker 1 I'm sure they have the technology. Good luck getting mad up.
Burnt. I fart it right back out.

Speaker 1 I would wedge it out of your butthole, right? Put it in one of those bags. Yeah.
And that would just go to

Speaker 1 any DNA spot. Wait, investigate me like I'm a real murder sergeant.
Let's see how he would do it versus how you would do it. All right, so we're both coming in.
You're both cops.

Speaker 1 So what is he accused of? And Rudy is a cop, too. She's in there.
So there's us three are in there. No, it's not accused.
There's a murder, and you have to figure out if I did it.

Speaker 1 I understand that, but who are you to the murder?

Speaker 1 This is what you're trying to figure out.

Speaker 1 All right, so we walk in.

Speaker 1 I'm arrested and I'm at the table. I have to do a thing where I walk in with you guys.
You guys all walk in.

Speaker 1 You go walk in together.

Speaker 1 You're not walking in, right? You're going to stay. Okay, good.
She's already in there. She's in the room.

Speaker 1 She does the notes.

Speaker 1 They don't have any of those in there at the fucking time.

Speaker 1 Oh, a stenographer. She's a stenographer inside the jail cell.
I want my phone call.

Speaker 1 I want my fucking lawyer. All right.
Hello. I want my lawyer.
I want my phone call and I want my fucking lawyer right now.

Speaker 1 This is unconstitutional what you guys are doing to me. Hi, so

Speaker 1 I'm Detective Cho. Hi, Detective Cho.
And this is

Speaker 1 Detective Jackson. Detective Jackson.
Juan Jackson. Juan Jackson.
Detective Juan Jackson.

Speaker 1 We asked him to change his name, but he wouldn't. You know, you don't look like a Juan.
I know. It's a little confusing.
Well, you know, don't worry about that.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, you're the one being questioned. Hey, all right, Juan.
Relax. How do you spell Juan? W-O-N? Is that it?

Speaker 1 We got a smart one here, Bobby. Smart Mouth.
Who's Bobby Mouth?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Chow.
Cho, what's your last name again? We've been working together for 30 years, but we do not know each other. Did you hit your head and had a brain?

Speaker 1 I apologize. What's your last name again?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 it's Joe. This is Officer Joe.
Officer Joe. I remember when you watched my wedding.
Okay. You were my best friend, but this is.
Are you okay? Do you need to step out?

Speaker 1 Do you need to step out for a second? Let me just. Oh, you got it? Let me gather myself.
Oh, no, no. Stay here.
Okay. So, um,

Speaker 1 Mr. McGivens.
I'm using this in court to say that the fucking interrogator doesn't know his partner's name.

Speaker 1 And he's drunk on fucking wine. I'm winning this case immediately.

Speaker 1 We're fine. I'm not going to do Gnini.
Mr. McGivens.
Mr. McGivens.
Hello. Hi.
Hi, Detective Cho.

Speaker 1 Charlie McGibbons. Hello, Charlie.
Yeah. Nice sweatshirt.
Oh, thanks a lot. Where'd you get it? At Saney's.
Oh, yeah? Yeah. You like comedy? It's an Assane Asylum.

Speaker 1 It is. It is.
It's a clever name. Where's this Assane Asylum?

Speaker 1 Right here in LA. In LA? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have you heard of

Speaker 1 that? It's an Insane Asylum?

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something, cop. What do you want to fucking know? Anyway, you're playing games.
All right, so July 12th, where were you that day? Do you remember? Was it Thursday?

Speaker 1 It's November fucking 20-something. How would I know what I was in July? All right, so.
Where were you in July? In July? Yeah, I'll tell you where I was on July 12th. Where?

Speaker 1 Don't look at him. Officer Jackson and I got a call that a woman was chopped into 3,000 little pieces

Speaker 1 for duck food. What? Yeah, somebody chopped your wife up to make duck food.

Speaker 1 My wife was killed six months ago and I never knew about it. What?

Speaker 1 What? Shut the fuck up, Jackson.

Speaker 1 Jackson. You already know this Jackson Jackson you already know this

Speaker 1 another episode of good cop black

Speaker 1 good cop black so anyway we found your the your wife remains by the the lake

Speaker 1 yeah I want you guys to find the killer why am I arrested because um on every little piece of

Speaker 1 every little piece of your wife right we found a fingerprint really yeah on every little piece and whose fingerprint yours do you know why she's my fucking wife We live together. Right.

Speaker 1 But my point is... It's on her dead body.
Huh? It's on her dead body. Yeah, she was alive at one point.
I was hugging her and kissing her. She's my wife.
And then someone killed her.

Speaker 1 That's why my fingerprints are on her. That's a very good argument, but we also found brain matter.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's fingerprint marks on the brain. What about that? So how did you

Speaker 1 in the back of your trunk? What about that, huh? We'll get to that in a second, Jackson. Can we go through the brain?

Speaker 1 Can we go to the brain first? Go ahead. Thank you.
Jackson.

Speaker 1 Did you guys come in with a plan, Jackson?

Speaker 1 Because, really, Jackson's really sabotaging all of you. Who's doing the interrogating here? Us or you?

Speaker 1 Be quiet. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 Jackson.

Speaker 1 This guy has something missing.

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up, Jackson. Mr.
Child. Mr.
McGives upset. How quickly would he be kicked off the force? I know.
Can you wait here for a second? How about we get a different part?

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 So we leave. We come back.
Right? New partner. New partner.
You're still there in the room. So Mr.
Jackson's still in the room because he is a detective. Right.

Speaker 1 But I brought Detective Origami. Oh.
Here. Hi, Miss Origami.
Yeah, so hi. It's Miss.
Not Mr. I said Miss Origami.

Speaker 2 You said Mr.

Speaker 1 I think I did. I think we shouldn't be hung up on that one point.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to get you guys to catch the murderer and you've arrested me for no reason. Well, that right there, you getting her name wrong, proves that you killed your wife.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, Detective Jackson. Jackson's awful.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're on probation. You're on probation.
All right.

Speaker 1 Don't drink next time. Anyway, so July 12th, you have no idea, but we found fingerprints on every, even inside of her body, the remains.
Yeah. How is your fingerprints on like...
Inside of her body?

Speaker 1 Yeah. How do you love your wife, sir?

Speaker 1 You've never put your hand inside of your wife's body? Yeah, but I haven't stuck my hand inside her brain. Well, then you guys don't know really how to love each other.

Speaker 1 That's real love. If that's real love, that's real love.
Oh, I feel like you have got no evidence. You've got no case.
Anyway, well, anyway, thanks for coming in. Thanks a lot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're done. No, we're not done.
I'm getting a new staff. Wait, let's see what Jackson is.
I'm firing the two people.

Speaker 1 Let me see what Jackson. Let's see what Jackson has to say.
Go ahead, officer.

Speaker 1 Now we're in court. We're in court.
We asked you the day and the time of the crime. Where were you? On July 12th.
Do you know exactly where you were on July 12? That's insane. How could I know that?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I can tell you in the month of of july my wife and i were both getting back from hawaii i had to go on a business trip i have i have tickets to prove all that you said the month we asked you for the day see what i'm talking about that's why you got to dig deep you got to dig deep jackson because this guy jackson knows he's okay

Speaker 1 you okay so you was on a vacation

Speaker 1 we were in hawaii together not a mistake yeah yeah come surrender me now yeah jackson you're on probation

Speaker 1 can you let me can you let me do what i'm doing him in this fucking wig is killing me.

Speaker 1 All right, go ahead, Jackson.

Speaker 1 Choke. So, where were you? You said the month.
Yeah, in the month of July. But we said July 12th.

Speaker 1 We got back from Hawaii

Speaker 1 the end of the first week.

Speaker 1 End of the first week in July. Maybe that was the fourth or the sixth.

Speaker 1 And we were home the whole time together. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But she was killed.

Speaker 1 Very good, Jackson. Very Very good, Jackson.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know. I'm telling you, on the 12th, we were together that day.
I went to work, as I always do. I came home and she was murdered.
I told you guys that in the report.

Speaker 1 You came home and she was murdered. That's exactly what I said, Jackson.
He's guilty.

Speaker 1 He's done. I'm sorry, Jackson.

Speaker 1 Did you hear what he said? Right.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. She came home and she was murdered.

Speaker 1 Jackson, this is America, not the Ukraine. I mean, we have different ways.

Speaker 1 We need evidence.

Speaker 1 Your honor, he says he was home and she got killed. He is guilty.
Yeah, he'd be the worst detective, I think. One of the worst of all time.
Of all time. I thought I did pretty good.

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Speaker 1 Bespoke Post has a thing called the Box of Awesome. Yeah.
And what it is, is the best Christmas gift you probably can give to anybody.

Speaker 1 All right, so Bobby got me a Box of Awesome, which I thought was very cute and sweet, and I got a garment bag. You want to bring it to me?

Speaker 1 Bring me the garment bag.

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Speaker 1 And then it only costs $45, but it has over $70 worth of gear inside. Thanks.
Thanks, George. Look at this.
Bobby got me this. It's blue because that's my favorite color.

Speaker 1 And this is very nice of you. It's very thoughtful.
I don't own suits, but I do like to put shirts in here. Yeah, that's why I got it for you.
I know because I travel.

Speaker 1 Because I'm a wrinkly boy. Yeah.
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Speaker 1 It's just, I don't know this man that's sitting in front of me right now. Doc? Yeah.
He's confident. No, this is unlike him.
Why? Because he's usually quiet

Speaker 1 to himself.

Speaker 1 You know, he's sort of like this. This is black magic.
He's come alive. I know, but I've known him for 20 years.
I've never seen him like this before.

Speaker 1 He's drunk. Bobby's world.

Speaker 1 Bobby.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You feel that shit? He was pumping himself up in the car. He's like, I'm going to go in there and I'm going to fuck.
Oh, did you drive here? Yeah, I'm not drunk, dog.

Speaker 1 This ain't no fucking.

Speaker 1 Please wait like 30 minutes before you drive home. No, no, no, I'm not drunk.
For real. I don't know.
You buzzed a little bit? No.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I feel like it all. I feel like I'm being interrogated again.

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm not being honest.

Speaker 1 I'm being honest, too. I wouldn't play with y'all like that.
Okay. Yeah, that's real talk.
Okay.

Speaker 1 It's been a heavy episode.

Speaker 1 It's been, this episode has been interesting. It's been wild, weird weird as fuck.
It's wild and weird. What is this? You like it? I think so.
I think I like it. I like it a lot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a new depth. You go deeper and deeper in yourselves, and you find

Speaker 1 serendipity. Remember that word? That's not what serendipity means.

Speaker 1 God damn it.

Speaker 1 You said it in the. What did you say it mean again? I fucking forgot.

Speaker 1 Serendipitous means like something that's kind of universally happening out of pure luck and randomness that comes together. It's serendipity.

Speaker 1 Like it's it's serendipitous that Bobby called you that day to be on the show

Speaker 1 and it was serendipitous because it this worked out. It worked out.
Okay. Yeah, that's serendipitous.
That's exactly what I'm telling you right now.

Speaker 1 It worked out. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Love you, Bobby. I love you too,

Speaker 1 little one.

Speaker 1 Are you going somewhere for Thanksgiving?

Speaker 1 No, I'll be here. I'll be working on Thanksgiving.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going over.
I got a Latino family that's been like taking me in since 2000.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. This is something.
EC? You're that guy? Hell yeah. Google.
You know where I'm from? Google Guy Texts. Joy de San Juan de los Lagos Jalisco.
Ariba Las Chivas for the East L.A.

Speaker 1 Cumpas out there. We do it.
EC.

Speaker 1 EC. We've lost all control of the show.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 I really like it. Listeners out there.
I'm telling y'all. Y'all feel them.

Speaker 1 Hey, Google Man Text Woman on Accident Thanksgiving. Do you know this story? No.
Every year, this warms my soul.

Speaker 1 That's what you do warmth. Young man who was accidentally...
That's Doc. Young man was accidentally invited to grandma's Thanksgiving as a teen keeps a tradition going.

Speaker 1 So in 2016, Jamal Hinton and Wanda Dretsch, they're still going sorry. The first two met when Dretch from Mesa sent it.

Speaker 1 Oh, she sent the text inviting him for dinner, and it was meant for her grandson,

Speaker 1 who had changed his phone number instead. Hinton got the message sitting in class in Desert Vista High School.
The two figured out the mistake.

Speaker 1 They sent selfies to each other, and then she was like, Come over to the house. And they're on their sixth year of having Thanksgiving together.

Speaker 1 Some random kid? This young black kid, Jamal, who, and then he goes to this older white woman's house. Wow.

Speaker 1 After Drench's husband died.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What the? Are you all right, Doc?

Speaker 1 See you in a minute.

Speaker 1 A little bit of tearing.

Speaker 1 But your brain could dance stories like that, Tino. That's fucking...
That shit is beautiful.

Speaker 1 Did you feel the energy off that goddamn story?

Speaker 1 This shit.

Speaker 1 I think I told it poorly.

Speaker 1 I think we entered a different realm. I mean, I fucked up the story.
Yeah, yeah, it doesn't matter. It fucking

Speaker 1 drove him into the body. You hit home, bro.
You hit home.

Speaker 1 That's a black kid and a white lady, right? I think so. Yeah.
Give me a hug, bro. Wait, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 What are you doing? We're making strides here, bro. Doc.

Speaker 1 We've been friends for a long time.

Speaker 1 What is this?

Speaker 1 This is fucking. What's wrong with you?

Speaker 1 Sit down, God.

Speaker 1 Shit,

Speaker 1 bro. I love this guy, bro.
Bro, this shit is like.

Speaker 1 We bring in the whole fucking, we got fucking Korea.

Speaker 1 You go get him a pin.

Speaker 1 I remember. And fucking me and this guy, bro.
Yeah, man. This is another dynamic.
You better feel that shit, bro.

Speaker 1 Oh, my.

Speaker 1 Feel it. Okay, sit down.

Speaker 1 You, bro?

Speaker 1 Doc.

Speaker 1 You, bro?

Speaker 1 It's out of control.

Speaker 1 I think it's out of control. Doc, can I, okay, let's investigate.

Speaker 1 Let's investigate, Bob, for real. Everything he says puts a cringe in my body.

Speaker 1 What happened today? What's going on today? Yeah, something happened. I'm going to tell you something.
Here we go. I came here and I was like, you know what? I love you guys.
Talking about,

Speaker 1 I love these guys, right?

Speaker 1 Love Jules.

Speaker 1 Love my little Korean brother.

Speaker 1 Love my little Anglo-Saxon, right?

Speaker 1 And I said, fuck, it was just the energy today, bro. We was.

Speaker 1 You don't feel that? I do. You don't feel that? Everybody feels it.
I do.

Speaker 1 I think that we're going to be able to do it. I don't know if you want to do it today, but we need to do like a group hug one time just to show.
You hugged me already.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that was just me and you, though. But Bobby didn't get in.
And then Tuesday, then I feel like.

Speaker 1 Come over here. Okay.
And I'll give you a hug. Go get it.
No, no, no. I said a group hug, Bobby.
No, no, you gave it to me. Julie's got to come.
Jew's got to come.

Speaker 1 She steps out of this. Yeah.
I want my individual hug. Well,

Speaker 1 can we do like a contract right now first?

Speaker 1 What do you think?

Speaker 1 Because the contract got to be no violation.

Speaker 1 You understand what I'm saying? No, I don't. Be clear.
Well, you know,

Speaker 1 no cup in the buttocks.

Speaker 1 No cup in the buttocks.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's not how I hug, but all right. Three second rule.
Three second rule. Pop up.
See how we were? Well, it may be about me and 10 years. Tell me.
It's 20 seconds long. 20 seconds.
I get 20 seconds.

Speaker 1 Timeout. Timeout.
That was 20 seconds long. I know, but timeout.
Doc.

Speaker 1 You don't understand what 20 seconds is.

Speaker 1 It's an eternity. To him, it's an eternity.
Okay. But I get the 20 seconds.
Yeah, okay, I'll give you your 20. The three-second rule refers to food on the ground.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's what I'm saying. Hugging.

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought it was.

Speaker 1 What did you think the three-second rule was? It was five seconds. Oh, it's five seconds.
Did you hear Francis? Fran Fantasy? Yeah, they do it different in Spain. Okay, they do it.
Okay. All right.

Speaker 1 All right, well, go give Bobby a hug. You got a timer? You got to put this on

Speaker 1 your phone. Yeah, I'll do it right now, please.
We'll do a time.

Speaker 1 And you want how long? So no ass? 20. No ass cupping.
Is that it? No cupping?

Speaker 1 No cheek to cheek. Just plain old.

Speaker 1 Just hold up. Just plain old.
You know what, Doc. All right.
I love you, buddy. All right, get over it.

Speaker 1 Where are you guys going?

Speaker 1 We'll go in the middle. In the middle.
Can you get it right here? Yeah. Yeah, we can see you.
Oh, go ahead.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.
And when you're. I have some rules.
Okay. Okay.
I have some rules too, but

Speaker 1 in your mic, what are the rules? What are the rules? For me, stand right there.

Speaker 1 For me, hugging is about chest to chest.

Speaker 1 So the chests have to be locked in together, right? Yeah. It's like, you know, when a spaceship is trying to lock onto another spaceship, that type of thing.
When we're locked in.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, when it fuels, the fuel cell. The what? I mean, not interstellar.

Speaker 1 You didn't see interstellar dad.

Speaker 1 You didn't understand it.

Speaker 1 I can guarantee you you that.

Speaker 1 All right, so anyway, so chest to chest, right?

Speaker 1 And that's pretty much

Speaker 1 the rules. That's chest to chest.

Speaker 1 Can I make some rules?

Speaker 1 I think chest to chest, nose to nose is how you get a really good hug.

Speaker 1 I know that. Nose to nose is a good one.
I think chest to nose. Yeah, yeah, I think chest to chest, nose to nose is a good one.
I think you guys got to be chest to chest to nose.

Speaker 1 No, we touch noses. We touch noses.

Speaker 1 I'm quarter Eskimo. You know that.
He is.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm quarter Eskimo. So chest to chest, nose to nose.
What else?

Speaker 1 Chest to chest, nose to nose. Yeah, 20 seconds.
And tip to tip.

Speaker 1 40 to tip to tip.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, tip to tip.

Speaker 1 Tip to tip.

Speaker 1 I will do two. I'll throw it in there.
Yeah, please. At the end.
In the end. In the last five seconds, tip to tip.
I will. Also, can I just throw one last, one last one? This is how we hug.

Speaker 1 I have carpal tunnel.

Speaker 1 I have carpal tunnel on both hands. You do.
Right, so I have to do under hooks. I know that.
Yeah, so I have to do underhook, chest to chest, nose to nose, right? I need underhooks.

Speaker 1 All right, 20 seconds.

Speaker 1 Chest to chest, nose to nose, under hooks. You cannot start the fucking clock until we touch nose took a look.
Okay. All right.
You don't understand. Hey, man, I'm not making the rules.

Speaker 1 I'm just obeying them. I'm not making the rules.
I just obey them.

Speaker 1 Get over that.

Speaker 1 I need to pull that hook. But remember, under.

Speaker 1 You just should no pressure. Nope.
All right. Hurry up, man.
There's a fucking

Speaker 1 rule. You say when, Bob, say when.
Chest to chest.

Speaker 1 Because it's turning to the close.

Speaker 1 Nose to nose. Nose to nose.

Speaker 1 Nose to nose.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hold it.

Speaker 1 Hold it.

Speaker 1 Hold it. Hold it.

Speaker 1 Hold the nose, Doc.

Speaker 1 Hold it. Ready?

Speaker 1 One, two.

Speaker 1 Well, hey, you didn't hold it. Nose to nose.

Speaker 1 Okay, go.

Speaker 1 It would have been over with.

Speaker 1 Ready, one,

Speaker 1 two,

Speaker 1 three, go.

Speaker 1 Hold it.

Speaker 1 Hold it and feel it, Doc. You're into this love.
I feel it, man. I do feel it.
Fucking six seconds and six seconds.

Speaker 1 I'm starting over.

Speaker 1 Dude, if you just went through.

Speaker 1 You did six seconds.

Speaker 1 All right, you did six seconds.

Speaker 1 Okay. 20 seconds.
Let me sit in. 20 seconds.
Yes, dude, and you got six seconds is all you got. All right, ready? Hold on, hold on, hold on.
I got a show to do, man. We got to go.
We got to go.

Speaker 1 All right, ready?

Speaker 1 All right, ready? And man, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 Okay, ready? Ready? One, two.

Speaker 1 Come on, dude. Give him nose to nose.

Speaker 1 One, two, three. Go.
Okay, it's on. It's going.

Speaker 1 Hold it, Doc.

Speaker 1 No, dick to dick.

Speaker 1 Dick to dick, dude. Don't give up.

Speaker 1 10 seconds.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 Don't fuck up, Doc.

Speaker 1 So close, don't fuck up. Six, eighteen, nineteen, twenty.
All right, you did it. You did it.

Speaker 1 That was pretty good. I don't think that was good at all.
Very good.

Speaker 1 Very good.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much for that. Doc, honestly, thank you.
That was a little nauseous. Did you like it, I did like it.
That was a pretty good hug. I think the best one I've had in a while.
You hooked it.

Speaker 1 I hooked it up. Yeah.
Thank you so much, bud. You're welcome, though.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Really hug McCarthy. How do you feel about this? Do this shit, Rude?

Speaker 1 Are you into this? What is that?

Speaker 2 Very intense.

Speaker 1 Very intense. Very intense.

Speaker 1 If I left, hey, Jules, if I left Kalila and I said to you, I'm dating Doc now, how would you feel about it?

Speaker 1 Would you be supportive if we got married?

Speaker 2 Supportive, but I wouldn't go to your wedding.

Speaker 1 Well, that's not supportive, that's the opposite of supportive.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, but I just make an excuse, but I would say, Oh, what, you have a commercial audition? What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 1 She's telling you in advance, she has an excuse. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't go to your wedding. I have dumb doing something.

Speaker 3 But I support it.

Speaker 1 Oh, you support it. How do you support it then if you don't show up? I'll give them a gift.
What gift?

Speaker 1 What are you going to give us?

Speaker 1 Dildos.

Speaker 1 It's a good gift.

Speaker 1 How else?

Speaker 1 You don't like toys? I mean, our marriage.

Speaker 1 Bro, our marriage is not going to survive on just anal sex alone. No, you got to.
If you have your money,

Speaker 1 we need devices, dude. You know what I mean? Okay.
All right. Whatever you think, bro.
Like, I'm sending off emails, and you're like, you're on your belly. You're completely naked.

Speaker 1 I'm sending off emails. Just listen, look at me right now.
Dude, I'm trying. Look at me, dog.
It's hard to look in your face, right? We have a king-size bed.

Speaker 1 Right? We get a brand new house. Cow King.
Cow King, right? I'm in my pajamas. This is one in the morning, right? And you're on your belly, completely naked, right?

Speaker 1 Come on, Bob. Right?

Speaker 1 I go, I got to send out these emails. Yeah, you're busy.
And he's like, come on, man. Here I am with my little black hole exposed.
So I take one of the devices that I get from Jules.

Speaker 1 And I'm doing emails, but I'm just, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And you're just, I know, you're just

Speaker 1 chocking milk all over my hand for some

Speaker 1 And send.

Speaker 1 Right? I'm doing emails, business.

Speaker 1 Very good.

Speaker 1 Very good. Here's the speed that everyone would like in this room.
Ready?

Speaker 1 Everyone in this room would like this. This is the speed

Speaker 1 of the vibrator. Jules's speed.
Ready?

Speaker 1 Very good.

Speaker 1 Did I press the button?

Speaker 1 Bobby's speed.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. My speed.

Speaker 1 Doc speed.

Speaker 1 My hands are getting swallowed a lot, right? Wow.

Speaker 1 It's that little contraption in Dune where it has it in the mouth.

Speaker 1 Holy fuck, we're 15. We're 15 years old.
I'm a child.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Oh, my God.