Cancún Special w/ Tom Segura & Jim Jeffries

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Speaker 1 Terms and conditions apply. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 You two or something. We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 Hola,

Speaker 2 BNBN, que tal amigos.

Speaker 2 Welcome to our first live bad friends

Speaker 2 experience.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 we got Andreas. Give him a round of applause.

Speaker 2 Get up on stage.

Speaker 2 Hey, guys.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to lie, my legs are shaking.

Speaker 2 Thank you all for coming to Mexico to see us. It's our first show live ever, and we're very excited.

Speaker 2 I didn't realize you guys were here to see me, but thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, without further ado, let's introduce the stars of bad friends:

Speaker 2 Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 You guys are weird. Andrew.

Speaker 2 Have you seen a Korean guy around here?

Speaker 2 You two are socio-guster. Hello, good.
You two are back together. You guys are freaks.

Speaker 2 You are a bad friend.

Speaker 2 That's my opener. Viva la Mexico

Speaker 2 Viva, viva.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, let's see who can do a longer goal.

Speaker 2 Let me go first, though. All right.
All right. Go ahead.
Is it goal G-O-A-L?

Speaker 2 I said Viva La México. Oh.

Speaker 2 But hey, you know how? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Bad Friends Live.

Speaker 2 We're here in Mexico. We've never done this.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 2 we're so happy to be in Cancun. Oh, we're so happy to be here.
Well, we're an hour south of we're so happy to be an hour south of Cancun.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I feel really loose this week, guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I might hook up with a stranger. No.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Maybe a black guy. A black guy? Yeah.
Are there any single black men here that want to have sex with Bobby Lee?

Speaker 2 Right in the front row. One black guy right there.

Speaker 2 Sir, can you stand up? Can you stand up and wave? Excuse me. He's married.
He's married.

Speaker 2 Hold on, hold on. Excuse me, sir.
Stand back up.

Speaker 2 What is your name, sir? All right, luck eyes with me, Tommy.

Speaker 2 I know. I heard the first time.

Speaker 2 Feels good, Tommy?

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 I don't think Tommy's interested at all in having sex with you.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much for coming. We have a special guest that we don't want to waste any more time without because he's fucking incredible.
He's incredible.

Speaker 2 He's from England. He's not from England.
He's from Australia.

Speaker 2 He's got a fancy accent. He does have a fancy accent.
Yeah. Do you want to introduce our guest? Oh, yeah, he's from England.
No, he's from Australia. And he,

Speaker 2 I don't know much about him. Here's what I do know about him.
Yeah. He's been really nice to me.
That's nice. That's nice.
And number two, he knows Brad Pitt. I don't know if I can see him.

Speaker 2 He knows Brad.

Speaker 2 He knows Pitt.

Speaker 2 That's it. He's one of the greatest stand-up comics right now alive on this planet.
He's fucking incredible. You know him from his specials, ladies and gentlemen.
Mr. Jim Jefferson.

Speaker 2 Jim Jeopardy is everybody.

Speaker 2 Jim Jeffries, baby.

Speaker 2 That was very exciting.

Speaker 2 I like how you guys came straight out and were pretty racist.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 If you're in Jamaica, would you come out and do the Jamaican accent and just...

Speaker 2 I can't. Can you translate for us a little bit? Yeah,

Speaker 2 he's very excited and

Speaker 2 thankful to put it here. We brought along a Spanish guy to translate, an Australian guy, for some of those people in here that don't understand.

Speaker 2 Jim, thank you so much for being here. This is amazing.
So good to see you.

Speaker 2 Your mic is on the bottom. I can't hear you, Bobby.
Turn my mic on. Turn his mic on.

Speaker 2 Well, so it's me and Jim. That's it.

Speaker 2 No, come on. Here, he's got it.
They got that mic working. Hello.
Ah!

Speaker 2 I have a question for you, Jim. Did they force you to do this, or did you say yes politely? I was forced.
There's an itinerary.

Speaker 2 I got to do this, then I got to do my show, then I got to do the comedy jam. They've filled my day, but yeah, I was forced to do this.

Speaker 2 I would have done it if you asked me anyway, but you were forced to have me, so it's a reciprocal thing.

Speaker 2 True. That is true.
That is true. There's nothing that makes you feel better than Just for Laughs charging these people $50,000 a ticket and the mics don't work.
Guys, give it up for Just for Laughs.

Speaker 2 Way to go.

Speaker 2 We're excited to be here. You just got here now?

Speaker 2 I came in on the same plane as Bobby. Bobby, you just come from.
Where did you come from? Yeah. And was that your son?

Speaker 2 Where did you come from? He asked me.

Speaker 2 Where did you come from? Like, Korea? What are you talking about? Yeah,

Speaker 2 he was trying to say go back to your country in a very nice way. In the last two days, where did you come from? I was in Hawaii.
Yeah. And then I went to LAX and I ran into you.

Speaker 2 Okay, so I run into Bobby at LAX

Speaker 2 and he'd already come from Hawaii and he'd been at the airport for eight fucking hours and he was just wandering around doing nothing.

Speaker 2 He was in business class with me yet he didn't use the lounge because he didn't figure out he could fucking go in there.

Speaker 2 I didn't

Speaker 2 calm down.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 okay. But I didn't know that if you have a first-class ticket that you're allowed to be in the lounge, how long have you been a comedian for? You've traveled the world.
You've never been in the world.

Speaker 2 45, 55 years or so, give or take.

Speaker 2 I've never been in the lounge. I don't know how to get there.
But next time, next time you can break, show me. Okay.

Speaker 2 Raise your hand if you have heard of the fact that if you ever had a first-class ticket, you could be in a lounge. Raise your hand.
Interesting.

Speaker 2 The votes are in.

Speaker 2 The odds have it. And how do you get there? How do you find it? There's no signs.

Speaker 2 And he said to me, once you get in there, who do you talk to? No one. You just scan your ticket.
Boop. You're in.
You learn. That's fine.
That's all right. Sweating.
Sweating.

Speaker 2 By the way, we are going to be auctioning off this shirt for charity after the show.

Speaker 4 No, you're not.

Speaker 2 No, you're not. Yes, we are.
Anybody wants a ripped up bowie sweaty shirt, we're going to be auctioning off. You know what, dude?

Speaker 2 I'll give it away for free. What do you think of that?

Speaker 2 Take it off. Take it off and give it away.

Speaker 2 Go to the bottom. Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you?

Speaker 2 She could beat the shit out of any guy or girl at this event.

Speaker 2 I think she went. Fight him.
Fight him for it. Beat his ass.

Speaker 2 Choke him out. Choke him out real fast.
Put him in a chokehold.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much. She came right up.
Confidence.

Speaker 2 Confidence. Let's give it up for her.
She just got herself a free shirt.

Speaker 2 Bold.

Speaker 2 I thought she was going to beat the shit out of you. Yeah, man.
I was like, she's going to fucking bench you and fuck you up. You didn't want to lose that.

Speaker 2 That's a great t-shirt, an old Bowie t-shirt.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get it back. She's going to get it back.
Where the fuck are you? Over there?

Speaker 2 After the show, can I have it back?

Speaker 2 We'll give you another shirt of his. They're very polite.

Speaker 2 Don't give it back to him.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Good trade.

Speaker 2 This asshole?

Speaker 2 I have a thousand of these at home. I don't want this piece of shit.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Good trade.

Speaker 2 Good trade. You're merch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we want to put on Bob's shirt. We don't want to steal Chrysler's Thunder, so let's get your shirt back on.

Speaker 2 What? Doctor Lander!

Speaker 2 Bad friends. He always reminds himself where he is.

Speaker 2 Every hour he reminds himself what he's doing. Why say it's on backwards, is what they were saying.
It's on backwards.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, now it makes sense.

Speaker 2 You know, my favorite part about this is there's people up at the bar that did not intend to attend this. They're just trying to get a drink.
Like, what the fuck is this shit?

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, guys.

Speaker 2 All right, let's talk about some topics. Yeah, let's chat about some stuff.

Speaker 2 What do you guys want to talk about? No.

Speaker 2 No, Rudy. Well, Rudy, Rudy couldn't come.

Speaker 2 Rudy, should we tell them?

Speaker 2 Rudy got deported.

Speaker 2 She's deported! She got deported.

Speaker 2 Rudy got caught on tax evasion,

Speaker 2 so she got deported. Sorry.

Speaker 2 Go ahead, Bob.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. What the fuck is that going on? We're going to lose control real fast of this whole thing.
You want me to do impressions right now, Asshole? I got Jim Jeffries here. No, no,

Speaker 2 I want to hear about Mad TV. That's what he wants to hear about.
I don't even remember how the fucking.

Speaker 2 Let's talk. Let's talk about it.
Bobby, right now, Bobby's about to make a run on a popular TV show called Sex in the City, and he's. Woo!

Speaker 2 They got rid of that blonde girl and they replaced her with.

Speaker 2 Bobby is playing a character that's very dynamic, and I told him when he called me, he said, I think I'm going to go to New York. I'm going to go do Sex in the City.

Speaker 2 I said, well, we'll move Bad Friends to New York next year for a little while. And he said, I'm really happy about the role.
And I said, well, what is the role? Like, how dynamic is it?

Speaker 2 Tell them what you play on the show. What do you mean? What do you play on Sex in the City? Mr.
Smole. No.

Speaker 2 Chinese guy number three. Chinese guy number three.

Speaker 2 Chinese guy number three. Chinese guy number three.
Yeah, there's two other Chinese guys. They have a bigger role,

Speaker 2 but I'm getting my fucking lines in. You're getting your lines.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're getting your lines in.
Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much, lady.
I appreciate it.

Speaker 2 Wait, so let me say this story real fast. This is my favorite.
We got here late last night. We went out to dinner.
Fancy Bee got drunk as fuck last night.

Speaker 2 And also,

Speaker 2 for many of you, you're all fans, you know, Fancy Bee is, of course, Spanish, and people down here don't like him so much.

Speaker 2 And Fancy Bee speaks with his Spanish, you know, uppity fucking accent.

Speaker 2 And let me tell you something. These servers do not like Fancy Bee.

Speaker 2 They don't, do they, fans?

Speaker 2 They think i'm a little fancy a little fancy i just sound like a british british guy who sounds he sounds like how the british you know there's british people that are like oh yeah all right mate hold up but then there's british people like oh the car the car he sounds like that version to them they did not every time he got drunk and he'd call over a server he'd be like mira mida mida mira and they didn't like it they did not like it the guy kept shaking his fucking head

Speaker 2 And fancy, and I said, should we leave a tip? And Fancy goes, you don't tip these people. That's what he said.

Speaker 2 That's what Fancy said. He did say that.
That is what Fancy said. I think I said it's totally inclusive.

Speaker 2 All-inclusive. That's what he said.
So, was that your kid that I met at the airport? Is that my kid at the airport? Yeah, who was the kid? That's a kid I found at the airport. That's a

Speaker 2 no, of course it's my kid.

Speaker 2 My kid's birthday's this week, so I brought him out to the trip. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It turns out that the resort's adults only, so I have to stay in a little bit just off to the side, so I don't stay with you, cunts.

Speaker 2 But uh,

Speaker 2 but yeah, it's why I'm out here.

Speaker 2 I just got married in COVID, and I have a two-month-old baby at home, and I left my wife and baby at home, and I brought my ex and my kid to the resort. So I...
Oh.

Speaker 2 Let's give it up for that.

Speaker 2 I mustn't be a bad guy to fucking be able to pull that off, right? Normalize. Mind you, I do pay for everyone.
Normalize bringing your ex on vacation i think that should be the future

Speaker 2 your current get your ex out here baby did you wait and and the tour included your ex and your son coming with you right on on tour do they come with me yeah they come on on school holidays i bring my ex and my son and then otherwise i don't bring the baby anywhere the baby sits at home bring a baby ah my wife's okay i've had two children with two different women right yeah and you know how people go oh the first one's made of glass the second one's made of plastic That's if you had it with the same woman.

Speaker 2 Right. Right?

Speaker 2 These were both fucking glass babies, right? So

Speaker 2 I've been through having a kid going, oh, you better watch it. Don't let it fall over.

Speaker 2 And then I was like, oh, fuck them, they're okay. And now my new wife's worse than the last one.
So I'm back where I started.

Speaker 2 But I look at it this way: like, if you have two children with two different women,

Speaker 2 it's like a science thing, like it's an experiment.

Speaker 2 Like, if one kid turns out great it's because the mother did a good job and if the other kid turns out shit it's because the mother did a shit job because I'm parenting them exactly the same way

Speaker 2 but

Speaker 2 if they both turn out great I'll take full credit yeah as you should as you should

Speaker 2 this is my baby this is the baby that I get to take care of

Speaker 2 My big sweaty baby. Did you run up? For some reason, I never picture either of you guys having kids.
I don't think... We we don't deserve them.
We don't deserve them. What do you mean?

Speaker 2 I deserve children.

Speaker 2 Do you think you should have kids? You know, I think I'd be a very good father. Yeah? Yeah, I think I would.

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 2 I have ethics and a morality that's different than other people. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like, ask me a question, I'll give you the right answer.

Speaker 2 All right, if a kid says, Dad, today at school, a man came up to me that I didn't know, and he asked

Speaker 2 if he could give me a ride home. What should I say to that man? Obviously, fucking yeah.
Yeah, take a ride.

Speaker 2 Right? Because my children know taekwondo. Ah.

Speaker 2 Right? They're like brown belts and stuff.

Speaker 2 Right? So they can handle themselves. Give me another situation.

Speaker 2 Give me another situation. Your wife says, I'm tired.

Speaker 2 Can you breastfeed? What do you say?

Speaker 2 Yes, yes, yes. Yes, I can.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 does milk come out of our glands or not? Yours, yes. Oh, that's right.
Yours, yes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've had my kid latch on.

Speaker 2 Lately? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I've just been laying down, and I've fucking had me baby, and I put him up against me chest, like, you're all right. And he's just sucking on me tit, and I'm like.

Speaker 2 And the look of horror when he comes back up with a hair in his mouth just.

Speaker 2 Jim, are you, are you going to, is this it for you? No more kids, though. This is it.
No more kids. My wife wants another one, but I said I can't do it again.
I'm too old.

Speaker 2 And so I'm getting a vasectomy, and she's fighting on it, but fucking my body, my choice, man. That's right.

Speaker 2 Women don't get to dictate what we do with our bodies anymore. The buck stops here.
I'll tell you a funny story.

Speaker 2 I was talking to my dad, and my dad went,

Speaker 2 My dad was talking about his love life. My mother passed away, and my dad's getting out there a bit, you know.

Speaker 2 And I said, Dad, I'm going to get a vasectomy. And he goes, Don't get a vasectomy.
He goes,

Speaker 2 most women, not all women, but most women they like to see the come

Speaker 2 and I said I said dad after you have a vasectomy you still come it just doesn't work anymore and he went oh we'll get one then it was the fastest

Speaker 2 it was the fastest I've ever seen someone change an opinion just like

Speaker 2 lightning

Speaker 2 why are you dumbfounded

Speaker 2 Because I can't even understand what he's saying. He's so far away.
It's hard to hear each other because the speakers are going to be... I can't hear anything he's saying.

Speaker 2 so i'm doing this thing where i'm like that's funny can you guys hear what we're saying very clearly

Speaker 2 i guess that works

Speaker 2 i'm just i'm just watching your lips move man

Speaker 2 i know we need well they need it there's no audio kickback we'll get into it it's easier with you harder with him because you know because he's chinese no i want to

Speaker 2 can i go back to the the black eye are you asking me to go back to the black i just want to apologize because i feel like i was aggressive in the beginning of the show yeah And I apologize.

Speaker 2 I feel like there's a bad energy between us right now. Are you good?

Speaker 2 I'm fine too. Let's move on.
Okay, good. What did you say, ma'am? I can't hear her.

Speaker 2 Oh, can you hug and make up? They want a hug, I guess. You know.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hug him. Bobby, give him a hug.

Speaker 2 Bobby, Bobby. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 I like that he kept the mask on for safety.

Speaker 2 Like, if you hug Bobby Lee, COVID is the least of your fucking problems.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. I can't wait to get this letter on Monday.

Speaker 2 He gets sued by Mexico as a country. You can't bring him down here anymore.
He's a dangerous.

Speaker 3 He's too dangerous.

Speaker 2 Is that a time? That's a Tom and Jerry shirt? I like that. It's so funny.
When black dudes can wear Disney stuff and no one says anything, or like cartoons.

Speaker 2 But if white grown-ups wear Disney stuff, everyone's like, Is he rich?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but

Speaker 2 we're always leads in their movies, so that's a different thing. That's true.
That's true. That is true.

Speaker 2 Did you like the hug? Yeah, it was pretty good. It was good? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Should I get closer to Jim so I can hear him? Switch. Do you want me to switch No, why don't you stay here?

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Speaker 5 All right, so that was what we were experiencing.

Speaker 2 But now, back to the show.

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Yeah. The reason why is because my butthole is so clean due to the fact that I use a tushy whenever I go to the poo-poo.

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Speaker 2 The next guy coming to stage is an old friend of ours.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 one of our closest, most favorite performers, comedians, beyond like the most talented podcaster we know.

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up!

Speaker 2 He's

Speaker 2 he could be a handsome guy, but he ate so much Frijole

Speaker 2 that he became ratund.

Speaker 4 But he's a very good comic, and he's going to be performing tonight where?

Speaker 2 At the fucking arena. At the fucking arena, guys.

Speaker 2 No No condom.

Speaker 2 No condom.

Speaker 2 All right, I'll hurry. Stop but going to the bottom.

Speaker 2 Top Sagura.

Speaker 2 Hey, Tommy Hey.

Speaker 2 Hey! Hey!

Speaker 2 Hey!

Speaker 2 So I want to open up this podcast with an apology. Take a mic.
Okay. Take a mic, take a mic.

Speaker 2 Is it because of our phone call? Yes. So you called me on the phone a couple of weeks ago on your show live, right? Yep.
And I called you a fat, ugly, Peruvian guy. You did.

Speaker 2 And it got a really big laugh from your audience.

Speaker 2 But I also want to formally apologize because I was rude. Well, thanks, man.
That's very grown up of you. Thank you.
You can say something bad about me right now in front of me.

Speaker 2 What the fuck does that mean? It's Korean. Oh,

Speaker 2 I thought you spoke Korean. No, I'm wide.

Speaker 2 Do it again.

Speaker 2 That sounds Spanish. That doesn't sound fucking crazy at all.
I speak Spanish, so I have a Spanish pronunciation, but it's fucking Korean. Open your goddamn ears up.
Does anybody speak Korean in here?

Speaker 2 Are there there any Koreans in here? Oh, in the back. What did that say?

Speaker 2 Doesn't know. Okay, how about

Speaker 2 are you looking it up, asshole? Yeah, I looked it up. Of course, I looked it up.
How about this? I'll teach you Korean. Wait, wait, let me tell you one.
All right, tell me one.

Speaker 2 He just called me the N-word in Korean.

Speaker 2 How dare you, you fucking asshole. Don't mind him.

Speaker 2 Stop pointing at the black guy. All right, sorry.
Why are you doing that?

Speaker 2 I should stop. I'll stop.
Yes, stop.

Speaker 4 I apologize.

Speaker 2 I'll stop.

Speaker 7 Point at any other people.

Speaker 2 White guy. Fine.

Speaker 2 With titties.

Speaker 2 I like your titties, sir. I accept your half-assed apology.

Speaker 2 Do you want to know what I said in Korean? I don't know what you would you say. It really didn't sound familiar at all? No, no, no.
The first thing was, I hope you die.

Speaker 2 Okay, thank you. Thank you.
What was the second one? You are fat. You are fat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll teach you one right now. Okay.
Teach everyone. Here's

Speaker 2 some people here, too.

Speaker 2 Boji mashiso. Boji.
Let's say it together. One, two, three.
Boji mashiso.

Speaker 2 Pussy is delicious. All right.

Speaker 2 I'll teach you another one. Okay.

Speaker 2 Nakochu jokome.

Speaker 2 One, two, three.

Speaker 2 Nakochu joo. Jokome.

Speaker 2 I have a very small penis.

Speaker 2 Hey, let me tell you something. It's cute as fuck.

Speaker 2 No, it's not. Yes, it would.
And if it was a Pokemon character, it'd be one of the leads.

Speaker 2 Like, he'd be like third in line. I don't know how Pokemon works.
I don't think that's how it works. I don't know why I'm standing.
I'll sit back.

Speaker 2 Bob, what are your dimensions?

Speaker 2 Have you gone over this already? Like a dresser. He's like a dresser droor.
No, I meant your penis. No.
Not your. Yeah.
How many of you are. Have you ever seen it?

Speaker 2 Show him. I'll I'll show you now.
Well, I mean... No, I'll turn my back.
I'll turn my back. I'll turn my back.
Turn your back and show him. I'm a Christian, like I said.
Show them.

Speaker 2 Don't make sure no one else sees.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay, okay.

Speaker 2 How weird is that? That was one of the worst experiences of my life.

Speaker 2 So many colors, huh? There are a lot of colors. Yeah, there's three colors.
I see why you keep looking at the black eye.

Speaker 2 You got anything to spare?

Speaker 2 Yeah, this guy's nuts. Fuck you, bro.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Why is he picking me the head?

Speaker 2 What are all the colors about? Well, his nuts are very, very dark. Mine? Yes.
Thank you. It's like you dipped them in mud, is what it looks like.
It's not healthy. It's very weird.

Speaker 2 And his penis is one color at the base, and then it goes like white in the middle, and then it gets dark again at the top. You have a really good memory of it.

Speaker 2 It's there forever. Yeah, yeah.
You're going to have it too.

Speaker 2 They're actually, they look like boba. Yeah, and it's actually, I'll be honest with you, it's bigger than I thought it was going to be.
No. Oh, fuck yeah, dude.
Friends for life. It was.

Speaker 2 Bigger than he thought.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but he thought it was a micro penis. So bigger than this is that, and that's fine.
What's enough? It's a little bit bigger.

Speaker 2 I bet your tongue game is amazing, right? Bo, you want to see? Okay.

Speaker 2 This one you don't have to stand up for. I don't know why guys do this, but I'm going to do it.
Oh, boy. Okay.

Speaker 2 Is that wrong?

Speaker 2 Go ahead.

Speaker 2 So I do this. I always say hello.
Yeah. You want me to hold the mic while you do it? I'm going to open it, right? Yeah.
Hello. Hello.

Speaker 2 And then the little click gives me a little wink

Speaker 2 like that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 what? I'm making it.

Speaker 2 You can do it for. That's it.
That's it. No, see how long.
That was the time limit. See how long? One?

Speaker 2 Three. Go.

Speaker 2 Pretty good? That was pretty good.

Speaker 2 These are assholes moist? A little bit.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Imagine people that just came to this resort that are walking by for a family vacation. They see some little fat career.

Speaker 2 What a fucking night. What a nightmare.
It's all inclusive.

Speaker 2 Juno pay more. Is this yours?

Speaker 2 No, that's yours. That's yours.

Speaker 2 Tom, thank you so much for doing this. We know you're playing a a show tonight.
This means we'll have to pay you. Top the door, everybody!

Speaker 2 I love when you blush. It's so cute.
Tom, we miss you in L.A., and you abandoned us for Austin. We really are a little upset about it.
I'll be back. But you're going to move back for real? Sure.

Speaker 2 Really? I mean... I made a bet with some comics.
I said a year.

Speaker 2 You think I'll move back? I think you'll move back in about eight months. Oh, no, definitely not.
Why?

Speaker 2 Because. i know but we miss you no i miss you guys too dude you have you we you have more friends in la than austin hey hey

Speaker 2 no fuck you because joe rogan because joe fucking roll hey hey hey hey hey hey hey he's here somewhere relax where's that head of his i don't know it's so thick

Speaker 2 do you uh do you still feel like that wave is coming

Speaker 2 what do you say the wave do you feel like the wave is coming to austin you mean no no like when i was leaving la you're like you don't feel that wave

Speaker 2 Yeah, you said that. Yeah, yeah.
There's a wave coming, bud. Is it? Yeah.
You're going to miss out. I think I've seen the comedy store lineups.
I think I'm pretty good on the wave.

Speaker 2 Because you guys fucking moved out.

Speaker 2 When Rogan and everyone, and Joey Diaz and everyone moved out of LA,

Speaker 2 the comedy scene got weaker. It got a little weak.
So it's your fault. It's your fucking fault.
Man, there's a new scene, and it's fucking outside of Cancun.

Speaker 2 This is the scene. Yeah.
This is the scene.

Speaker 2 So since you're living in Austin, do you think, because the comedy community there is so tight-knit,

Speaker 2 do you think you could do Tony Hinchcliffe's monologue for how he brought up that Asian guy and do it for Bobby? Do you think you could do the exact same thing? Let's try it. Let's try it.

Speaker 2 How about, should I be Tony Hinchcliffe? Because I have to say that.

Speaker 2 I'll be you, and you be Tony Hinchcliffe. You be Tony.
What did he say exactly?

Speaker 2 I'll be the Asian. What did he say exactly?

Speaker 2 Okay, okay. All right, no, no, no.
So I get off stage.

Speaker 2 So this is how it went. Oh, you have to bring me up.
No,

Speaker 2 you're Tony.

Speaker 2 You'll bring me up, and then I take

Speaker 2 it all right. All right, so I'm the Asian guy, and I'm killing.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, all right, thank you so much. And he doesn't even have an accent or anything, does he? No, he's like, thank you so much.
Appreciate you guys. That's my time.
Tony Hinchcliffe, everyone.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much. I appreciate it.
Tony, thank you, Tony. Appreciate you, man.
I killed on the show. Thank you.
Or time for the goop chink.

Speaker 2 Oh, my gosh. Is that what he said? I don't know, but that sounded so bad.
I know. That sounded so bad.
Even coming from you, it sounded bad. How about one more time for the yellow monkey? Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 2 Is that bad? I feel bad. I got to tell you something.

Speaker 2 It doesn't feel wrong. Whatever you're doing doesn't feel wrong.
Yeah, it feels right. All right.

Speaker 2 I'd like this. I'm just glad we're getting it on tape.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That whole exchange was so racist. It was tough.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Was Was anybody offended?

Speaker 2 Who was offended? Anybody? That guy. One guy.

Speaker 2 Go apologize, Bob. Sir, come over here.

Speaker 2 Come here. You're offended.
Come over here, asshole.

Speaker 2 Are you offended? Calls him an asshole. What? I'm not going to pet your dead.
I'm not going to cut you dead. Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 What's happening? Give him a kiss. I'm so sorry.
Give him a kiss.

Speaker 2 Give him a kiss.

Speaker 2 Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss.
Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss.
Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss.
Give him kiss. Give him kiss.
Give him kiss. Give him kiss.
Give him kiss. Give him kiss.

Speaker 2 Give him kiss.

Speaker 2 Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss.
Give him a kiss. There we go.

Speaker 2 I just came inside him.

Speaker 2 So wet. That's what he said.
It was so wet. Yeah.

Speaker 2 My little moist noodle. Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh, man.

Speaker 2 What one? Nothing. Everything's good.

Speaker 2 Tom. No, I do miss.
Listen, I miss LA. I do miss L.A.
We miss the shit out of you. We wish you would come back.
But also, we're happy that you guys are enjoying life out there. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Honestly, I think it's fucking, it's great. It's fun.

Speaker 2 Is there comedy there for real? Is it picked up or no? Well, there's shows all the time. I mean, there's not like...
Are you doing shows? I've been on the road a lot. Yeah, you're not doing shows.

Speaker 2 I've done shows in Austin, but I haven't done like weekly shows because I've been gone. Okay.

Speaker 2 You're leaving tonight after the show? Yeah. What kind of plane are you flying on? Fucking, I don't know what it's called.
What is it called? American 2211.

Speaker 2 It's just yours? Are you not leaving on a private plane? No, no. Fuck no.

Speaker 2 Hey. Do you guys want to play fuck Mary Kill?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, so out of us three, right, who you would have to fuck Mary Kill. What's the one out of that? I just know what you're doing.
You don't like this game? No, I love it.

Speaker 2 Dude, in improv, you say yes and.

Speaker 4 Yes, yes, I love it.

Speaker 2 Do you guys want to play, I said?

Speaker 2 They do.

Speaker 2 Scumbag. All right, go ahead.
Let's play just three people. Ugh.

Speaker 2 Okay? Ugh.

Speaker 2 Sir?

Speaker 2 Get back. What the fuck, bro? Oh, wow.
Well, that's not going to help out.

Speaker 2 You're aggressive, bro.

Speaker 2 You're just like.

Speaker 2 Oh, man.

Speaker 2 This is a bad look. Yeah, yeah.
So what's your name?

Speaker 2 Fletch? Come closer because the mic. Is your name Fletch? Yeah.
That's a great fucking name. I love that.
Who would you fuck, Mary or Kill, between us three?

Speaker 2 I'd fuck Bobby because he's the most ladylike. Most ladylike, yes!

Speaker 2 Clutch. Fletch! Fletch!

Speaker 2 The fucking man.

Speaker 2 That's true.

Speaker 2 I'd have to marry Tom for the money. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He is rich.

Speaker 2 That's very smart.

Speaker 2 But I love you, Santino. He's black.
I love you, dude. Yeah.
What do you say that again? He's not black. Fletch, say it again.
Santino's black.

Speaker 2 Can you turn to the audience and say it in the mic? Fletch, can you say it in the mic for me? Say it, say it. Santino's black.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Thank you, fam.

Speaker 2 Hey. That means so much to me.

Speaker 2 Hey, don't flick off my black friend. Don't do that.
Santino. How did you get that?

Speaker 2 How did you get that? It's just like they feel me. There's a thing.
There's a thing.

Speaker 2 Let's do one more. You want to do one more? Yeah, that's fine.
Let's do one more. Why not, huh?

Speaker 2 Hey, the guy with the titties. Oh,

Speaker 2 ask a girl.

Speaker 2 Ask a girl. That's how I get the girl.
Fuck out of here. Oh, my God, Bob.
So mean.

Speaker 2 So mean. All right, my bad.
All right. I have my friend.
You want to be my friend? Get that. There's a girl right there that's asking, Bob.
Get that woman right there.

Speaker 2 Right there in the white. Right there.
She's right there. Yeah, come, please.
Yeah, let her do it. Yes!

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, come, come, no, come, come over, dude. Fuck, Mary, or kill.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Bobby, I love you, but I have to kill you. I'm so sorry.
Oh, yes. I'm going to fuck Andrew because he is black.
Yes, it's absolutely true. And I said, Yes!

Speaker 2 Yes!

Speaker 2 Oh! And I'm going to marry Tom because he got business. He got money and babies with that.
And he's good.

Speaker 2 What's your name? What's your name? My name's Erica. Erica, give it up for Erica, this fucking queen.

Speaker 2 Fucking queen.

Speaker 2 Erica, do you you want to get on the stage and

Speaker 2 do a spin move and show yourself off? And there's Erica and this motherfucker.

Speaker 2 Erica and this motherfucker.

Speaker 2 Erica, are you single? Guys, single, single. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Speaker 2 Brilliant, brilliant woman. Wow.
Love her. You nailed it, man.
That's what you want. Two for two? Yep.
Now let's get someone that's typically out of the, like the out of the pocket of our fan base.

Speaker 2 Who's above 50? Who's above 50 that's here? 50 or 60?

Speaker 2 Get that woman up here, please.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is great.

Speaker 2 This isn't our usual fan base.

Speaker 2 Are we still playing the same game? We're playing the same game. Go up there.
All right. I want to hear what.
And let her on stage and let her face the audience. Look at that swag when she comes up.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 Bobby. All right.
Come on stage and you can face the crowd. And Bobby, ask her.
Yeah, come come come right here. Help her on the stage.
What's your name? Put your hand up.

Speaker 2 What? Karen. Karen.

Speaker 2 Nice to meet you.

Speaker 2 So nervous. Karen, so we do fuck, Mary, kill.
Which one would you fuck, Mary, or kill?

Speaker 2 Fuck him.

Speaker 2 God damn it. This is great.

Speaker 2 This is making my fucking year.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. You don't know what this means to me, you guys.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Marry him.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Karen.

Speaker 2 Give it over to Karen, that beautiful, beautiful woman there.

Speaker 2 God damn it. Man, this is the best show we've ever done.
Santino. Yeah, I feel good.
That's really the plug you want right there, man. God, I feel so good right now.
And I love it.

Speaker 2 You don't know that.

Speaker 2 I love how much it hurts him. God damn.

Speaker 2 Say what you want to say, Bob. Say it.
Well, first of all, I'm 50.

Speaker 2 You're 37? 38. Okay, 38.
It has nothing to do with it. Age has everything to do with you.
When you're 50, you're going to go ahead and clint Eastwood.

Speaker 2 Dude, I just got stability from everybody.

Speaker 2 Fucking. Yeah, but what does that really say?

Speaker 2 These two psychopaths, nutbags, and they're like, this one seems like he's got his shit together.

Speaker 2 I'd marry this one. Yeah, this guy will bring me coffee.
Fuck you, all right?

Speaker 2 Raise your hand if you want to fuck Tom. Raise your hand if you like.
Look at all these people that want to fuck you, Tom. Thank you.
Thank you. All right, raise your hand if you want to fuck Bobby.

Speaker 2 Why are these guys standing there? That guy is very excited to fuck you.

Speaker 2 That's the same guy that ate the worm.

Speaker 2 Those guys are the Irish kids. Are that the Irish two?

Speaker 2 These guys came here from Ireland. Look at these scumbags.
I love these fucking guys. They came, they flew here from Ireland.
Dude, imagine fucking Bob. That's such a ride.
Oh my god, imagine

Speaker 2 just fucking you, it'd be so wild. Why?

Speaker 2 Why,

Speaker 2 you know, I happen to feel like because I have a mirror by my bed, why to watch my moves. Oh my god, right? So, every once in a while, I'll in my peripheral, yeah, is that how you say it?

Speaker 2 In my periphery, yeah, peripheral, in my peripheral, yes, I can see my moves, and I can say that it's pretty fucking sexy. All right, let me see.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Oh, he's talking to her. Oh, my God.
Oh, he spits. Oh, he spits right on her.

Speaker 2 All right, then he gets down and crouching panda, crouching panda, licky licky, licky licky

Speaker 2 as he

Speaker 2 oh, wow,

Speaker 2 wow.

Speaker 2 All right. Sit down, Liu Kang.
Cut it out.

Speaker 2 Buffy. Hey, man.
Buffy has changed my life at night because I told Bob I sweat a lot when I sleep and I roll around and I get too hot. And Buffy, no more night sweats for your boy.

Speaker 2 Dude, I haven't had night sweats in years since I've used a Buffy. Seriously? In fact, the pores of my body have closed up permanently.
So they're clogged. Yeah.
That's a good thing.

Speaker 2 The breeze is a comforter made entirely from 100% eucalyptus fiber to regulate temperature and keep you cool. We've talked about Buffy on the show before.
And look, it's 100% plant-based design.

Speaker 2 It's breathable. It keeps you comfy at night.
Eucalyptus fabric inside and out. Softer than cotton, earth-friendly.
When you gave me one, I was like,

Speaker 2 what the hell is this? And you're like, no, no. Trust me.
And I literally use it on my bed now. And it's so, there's so much, it's breathable.
Yeah, it does.

Speaker 2 You don't feel like you're getting swallowed up. It's hypoallergenic and it's high-throughput.

Speaker 2 Softer than cotton, naturally soothes the skin. Cruelty-free, baby.
Why not choose 100% plant-based bedding that's better for you and the planet that you're on? That's right.

Speaker 2 You can try a comforter on your own bed for free, and if you don't love it, return it at no cost. You're not gonna, but you can.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 For $20 off your Buffy Comforter, visit Buffy.co and enter Bad Friends. That's $20 off your Buffy Comforter when you visit Buffy.co and enter the code Bad Friends.
Bad Friends. Warby Parker.

Speaker 2 They were founded with a rebellious spirit and a lofty goal to create boutique quality eyewear at a revolutionary price point, offering eyeglasses, sunglasses, contact lessons, eye exams.

Speaker 2 Warby Parker is committed to providing exceptional vision care and in stores as well as online. Glasses start at $95, including prescription lenses.
That's incredible. You can try for free.

Speaker 2 People, if you're out there and you know, if you're someone that has eyeglasses, you've heard of Warby Parker. They make very high-quality, boutique-style glasses.
And they don't cost you.

Speaker 2 They're really inexpensive when you're in the middle. Yeah, they look like they're super pricy.
Quality is there. Don't let your FSA or HSA dollars go to waste.

Speaker 2 Put them to good use on Warby Parker, prescription glasses, prescription sunglasses, contact lessons, and eye exams. So we have, I have Warby Parker glasses.

Speaker 2 I have sunglasses, and they fit so snug to my weird-shaped head. You know that

Speaker 2 I see you in? Yes, that's all I wear. Wow, that's really good.
And you make fun of my weird-shaped head, but they fit my weird-shaped head. And all you have to do is

Speaker 2 the physics involved in that. Okay, well, it works.
They figured it out. Warby did the right job.
I don't know if Warby or Parker did it, but they both figured it out.

Speaker 2 But Warby Parker, they look cool. The colors are really pretty.

Speaker 2 They're well constructed, and they're super durable, which I love. And also, they don't cost me an arm and a leg.
So go to warbyparker.com slash bad friends and try this out for free yourself at home.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and you know what? You can try five pairs of glasses at home for free at warbyparker.com slash bad friends. Five pairs of glasses at home for free at warbyparker.com slash bad friends.
My lord.

Speaker 2 Friends, all right? My lord.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable. I get it now.
I get it. You got it.
I got it now. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you want to repo the fuck Mary Kills? That was pretty good.

Speaker 2 Raise your hand

Speaker 2 if that changed your mind about what your vote was before. In the back, it changed our mind.
One guy.

Speaker 2 One guy now is into it. You saw the moves.
You saw them with your eyes.

Speaker 2 Fuck yeah, bro.

Speaker 2 Would you be a top or a bottom?

Speaker 2 I'm generally a bottom, but I could do top. You could top? I've done it before.
I don't think you're, I don't know. I think you're bottom.
You're bottom.

Speaker 2 No, I'm bottom 90% of the time, but I can do top play. For how long?

Speaker 4 What do you mean far long?

Speaker 2 You don't last long on top, do you? 15 minutes. Is that your window? Yeah.
Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 How about you? How about me? What?

Speaker 2 15 is actually pretty good. How about you?

Speaker 2 You fuck strong? I fuck real, real, real strong.

Speaker 2 You do? Please give me this example.

Speaker 2 I gave you a fucking example. You give me an example.

Speaker 2 Oh my gosh. I gotta get into the scene.
So I'm gonna be at my makeup table. I'm gonna take the makeup off.

Speaker 2 Alright, alright, ready? So.

Speaker 2 And I just got home. I just got home from a long day at the office.

Speaker 2 Wow

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 That was aggressive, bro.

Speaker 2 Dude, I might press charges. I know, but was it good? That was really good.
It was really good.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. That was really good.
I want to take two seconds right now and apologize to Tom. I am sorry, Tom.

Speaker 2 I'm so sorry, Tom. Sorry, Tom.
That's all good. We are sorry.
I'm so so sorry, Tom. This is really not okay for us, to be honest to you.
We're really good. That was our.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you. Who's going to go to Tom's show tonight? All these people.

Speaker 2 All right, give us a pudding. Give him some space.
Very exciting. Give him some space.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Sorry, Tom. Sorry, Tom.
No, that was, honestly, I really enjoyed both of your moves. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Is there a chance that you'd like to show off your fuckery skills?

Speaker 2 i'm recovering from injuries still yeah i mean we could both play the women there's two women

Speaker 2 i think that's a hard no it's a hard no yeah yeah okay and i get it let's move on but i liked it i liked watching your show it was very good thank you

Speaker 2 are you still doing the podcast with the

Speaker 2 art with the retarded guy is that so

Speaker 2 yes is he is he retarded i mean yeah

Speaker 2 How do you look at it?

Speaker 2 A little bit. Yeah, yeah, a little bit.
Is he flying to Austin every week? He's a bit of a mess. He's a bit of a mess.
Yeah. Does he fly every week to Austin or do you come back? It's all in Austin.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's got to be tough schedule. No? I mean, we record a few at a time.
Yeah, you knock him out. Yeah, yeah.
It is good to see you guys still working it out.

Speaker 2 Bad friends is about to be over after Cancun. Really?

Speaker 2 This is the last show. Yeah,

Speaker 2 you fucked me way too hard. I fucked you too hard.
Hey, Stage. Is it fun to work with him?

Speaker 2 Is it fun to work with me? Be honest.

Speaker 4 All right, you want a real honest answer?

Speaker 2 Sometimes it's not about comedy. Sometimes we talk about real stuff.
All right, I'll give you the most honest answer that I've been being very genuine.

Speaker 2 In my 16 years of doing stand-up and comedy and television or whatever,

Speaker 2 it's the most fun that I've ever had in my entire career. Wow.
By far. Yeah, not even close.
It's not even close.

Speaker 2 I'm serious. It's the most fun I've ever had in my entire life.

Speaker 2 We get to be fucking,

Speaker 2 we get to be the little children that we are. It's my turn.
Huh? It's my turn. All right.
Thanks for letting me really hash it all out there. He wasn't done, Bob.
No, no, but to him I was.

Speaker 2 When is it my turn? It's your turn, Bob. You want to go up front? Yeah, he wants to go up front.
Thank you. Thank you.
Bob, how do you feel about it? Thank you. All right.

Speaker 2 About 15 years ago, I saw Andrew Santino perform in the original room at the comedy store. And I was sitting next to, I can't tell people who are, can I tell them who I was sitting next to? Delia.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Dalia. Yeah, I was next to Dalia.

Speaker 2 Let's move on.

Speaker 2 So me and Dalia

Speaker 2 were sitting next to each other.

Speaker 2 We saw Andrew on stage. We never knew who he was.
We never heard of him. And we both turned to each other and we said, that guy's going to be huge.
That's number one, okay?

Speaker 2 And when he asked me to do the podcast, literally, it was like I was a Native American and someone littered.

Speaker 2 Tears

Speaker 2 dripping out of my eyes.

Speaker 2 And it's just, thank you, Jesus, so much for introducing Andrew into my life. He's the greatest thing in the whole world.
Give Andrew Santina a round of applause. What a great guy.

Speaker 2 You changed my life. You changed my life.
Thanks, Bob.

Speaker 2 I can see why you guys are going to end things soon.

Speaker 2 No, it's been fucking, it's been an amazing little ride that we

Speaker 2 do you fight with Bird ever? Because we fight all the time. We fight constantly.

Speaker 2 We never fight. We never fight.

Speaker 2 About anything. Not that I can recall.
Yeah, you know what? I can't see ever being in a spat with you.

Speaker 2 I mean, I don't fight a lot.

Speaker 2 No, but I mean, like, do you guys ever get into like little where it's like, you know what it is for us is like coordination where like we're both busy, we're doing things and it's like it's hard for us to meet.

Speaker 2 And so we fight about scheduling is a nightmare. Yeah, I mean, not really.

Speaker 2 I mean, no, I mean, you know, when he went to Serbia to shoot that movie, that was obviously really challenging to bring people in to fill all the time he was going to be gone.

Speaker 2 But I just go like, all right, you're shooting a movie. So.

Speaker 2 See how easy we need to be nicer to each other. Because you, no, see, now, right away.
No, no, no, right away. You're accusing.
Right away, because you. You don't lead with you.

Speaker 2 Okay, but can I get one thing off my chest? Okay, say I. Say I instead of you.
Try. Go ahead.
I. Go say I instead of you.
I am. I.
Yeah. You.
No.

Speaker 2 Replace you with I. I will not.
I, you, right? No.

Speaker 2 You are a rageaholic. No.
And very difficult to work with because you get angry a lot.

Speaker 2 See, right there.

Speaker 2 Look Look at his face. Who makes me angry?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So it's your fault. I know, but I just need a little bit more compassion from you.
No. Why? Because you don't get it.

Speaker 7 You're just...

Speaker 2 Can you guys give us a minute?

Speaker 2 This is good. I really like this.

Speaker 2 So why does he get so upset with you?

Speaker 2 Because I don't show up on time.

Speaker 2 Sometimes I'm not wearing socks.

Speaker 2 It bothers him. Or he just won't answer texts about what we're supposed to be doing.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Or,

Speaker 2 but that's reasonable, right? Or we're supposed to go to Universal Studios to shoot a bit for the show. And then I show up and he's not there.
Yeah, I mean, New York shooting something.

Speaker 2 What are you shooting in New York? That's more important than fucking.

Speaker 2 What are you shooting in New York that's more important than bad friends? Don't folk and do this right now. What are you shooting in New York that's more important than bad friends?

Speaker 2 I'm shooting a team. What's out? What?

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 2 I'm on sex in the city.

Speaker 2 Is it more important than bad friends? No. No.

Speaker 2 But still cool. Yeah, it's not.
But wait, you didn't tell him you were not going to be there? What? Did you tell him you were not there? Yes, I tell him before and everything, right?

Speaker 2 He just gets angry. Tom, did he tell me?

Speaker 2 No. George.

Speaker 2 George is like, Andrew?

Speaker 2 Very nervous. Bobby's not going to be there.

Speaker 2 But it's fine. I just get hung out to drive.
Let's do more fucking stuff. All right.
More fucking stuff.

Speaker 2 We don't have any more fucking, fucking, we're not doing any more fucking stuff. I don't want to do it anymore.
I think the Cancun people are not happy about it.

Speaker 2 Wait, are they mad because I showed my butthole? Yeah. Are you being real? No.
Okay. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 Bobby, Bobby gave, Bobby's been giving away money to the staff here. I don't know if the staff wants to make some money.

Speaker 2 Bobby gave a guy $40 to drive us from the hotel next door to right here in a golf cart. So if anybody wants to make a quick couple thousand,

Speaker 2 Bobby's handed out money.

Speaker 2 $40. We went 17 feet.

Speaker 2 I said, you just have to tip him like five bucks.

Speaker 2 $40.

Speaker 2 Generous. A little too much.
Generous. Do you give big tips? Are you always tipping big? What?

Speaker 2 I'm a pretty good tipper. Are you a good tipper? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. In fact, you know what I'll do? You know what I'll do?

Speaker 2 One time I saw Sebastian Monoscalco. Yeah.
And he's wearing these ugly Italian shoes. They were leather.
But you know how ninja shoes, they have that little gap? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So so it was a dress shoe, but they had that little ninja gap between the toe and the rest of the fucking shoes. Yeah, I go, I'll give you 200 bucks, I'm gonna buy them from you.

Speaker 2 So, I gave him 200 bucks, he gave me his shoes, and I threw him in the dumpster.

Speaker 2 I like to do stuff like that too. What were you doing with my shoes?

Speaker 2 Is there a staff?

Speaker 2 You know what's so funny?

Speaker 2 I think, do you have any money in your pocket right now? Yeah, why? Let's give it away to a staff member.

Speaker 2 Well, you made me promise you one thing in the elevator, and what was it?

Speaker 2 Not give away my shirt. Not give away your shirt.

Speaker 2 My cash is in there. I'll go get it.
Okay, go get your cash and give it away to somebody.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That woman right there?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 She has no idea why they're pointing at her. This is.

Speaker 2 By the way, she thinks this is like insurrection. She's like, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 All these white tourists like

Speaker 2 what a dangerous thing to do. All right, Bob.
Bob, this lady right here has been serving this entire row.

Speaker 2 Give your money to her, please.

Speaker 2 Senorita. Señorita.
Señorita el chinito tine algo que te que de realar.

Speaker 2 El dorgo chinito aquí.

Speaker 2 Very nice.

Speaker 2 Very nice.

Speaker 2 Very nice, Bobby.

Speaker 2 All right, sit down. It was very nice.
Bobby is very generous and always has been. A generous, beautiful man.
That was really nice. It was very sweet.
What was that? Three bucks? What'd you give her?

Speaker 2 Let me ask you something.

Speaker 2 Tom, let me ask you you something. Okay.
Because him and I talk about this all the time. About, like, you prefer podcasting and doing stand-up.
Right.

Speaker 2 But the acting stuff, you're a good actor. I saw you in that one horror movie.
I really liked doing it. Okay.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, I love that movie. Right, right.
So he's a good actor, but you prefer to do the other stuff. Whereas Andrew and I really like acting.
I don't know why.

Speaker 2 Do you guys hate the fact that we act?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I don't prefer it. I just, we like it.
I know, but it's like a lot of guys like Joe Rogan and stuff, they kind of yell at us. Joe's a bully.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 and Joe Rogan won't go, oh,

Speaker 2 Bobby, do whatever you want to do.

Speaker 2 Whatever makes you happy, right? That's what I've been doing. Yeah.
I've been doing what makes me happy.

Speaker 2 So that's good. Yeah.
I mean, I like the acting, too. I do.
I think you're a good actor. Thanks, man.
What about me?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Do you think, are you going to still be able to carry on all these other shows or are you just going to do YMH? Like, are you going to still do Tom Talks and Espanol? Are you going to do...

Speaker 2 Well, those I just do, like honestly I just do them because I enjoy doing them yeah like so the stuff that has like full ad schedules you can you you have to right like you so we do your mom's house two bears drew show uh christina's show and then we have a show that we signed that we can't announce yet but like that'll be a wait you have somebody new yeah oh somebody new can we let's just guess who do you think is signed that oh yeah guess guess all right who do you think is new that they signed to their to the ymh network to podcast i don't know what's going on do Do you not know what we're talking about, buddy?

Speaker 2 Okay, that's all right. Explain it to me.
Do you want to sit this one out? No, no, no, no, no. I want to explain it to me.
So, so

Speaker 2 Tom Sagura? Yeah, I know him. He does a thing, your mom's house is like, why? No, I know.
Just get to the point. Well, they have a bunch of different shows on there.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so they added someone new to this late that they're going to announce soon. We're going to guess who they added to their podcast world.
Oh, I see. Yeah.
Okay, so go ahead.

Speaker 2 Alright, so a comedian that's added to your podcast world?

Speaker 2 Added to the podcast world, yes. That's a part of your family now.
That will be. Okay, um, let's see.
Can a Gatsby.

Speaker 2 I know who, how about that little, that little, that little chubby, gay kid that we used to live in LA, but now he lives in Austin. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
You're talking about

Speaker 2 Dylan. Dylan.
Dylan. He used to work at a comedy store.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he has no idea who that is.
I don't know. All right, give me a guess.
I hate this game. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Ken Jong?

Speaker 2 No. But it is a notable person, so it's a good guess.
It is what? A notable person. Oh.
Is it Asian? Fuck no. No, that's disgusting.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 There can only be one. Thank you.
Yeah, it's you.

Speaker 2 What? I'm your favorite Asian. You're what? Am I your favorite Asian? For sure.
100%.

Speaker 2 Well, no, more than Ken Jung? Yes. Okay.
But not more than Ali Wong. Allie Wong does.
Oh, no. Really? No, no, no, no, no.
No. Fuckface.
Really? Hey, B. I am before.
Was she ahead of me? Was she.

Speaker 2 What? Was she what? Is she ahead of me in your eyes? Like, do I like her more? More than me. I like her much more than you.

Speaker 2 But you're my, like, you're right. You're right there.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Where am I in your white guy fucking hierarchy? Well, you're not white.
You're Hispanic, correct?

Speaker 2 Okay, where am I in your white? So for number one, probably Carlos Mencia.

Speaker 2 Number one, for sure. Okay.
Number two,

Speaker 2 Paul Rodriguez. Okay.
For sure. George Lopez, for sure.
Ooh. Felipe Eze.
Jesus Trejo for sure. Felipe Esprarza.

Speaker 2 Way ahead of you. Way ahead of you.
Gabriel. Gabriel Iglesias? Yeah.
Yeah, that's four people. Jesus Trejo? Yeah, that's five people.
Jesus Trejo?

Speaker 2 I already said it. Yeah, yeah.
No, you're in my top three Hispanic people. Really? Yeah.
Thanks, man. Where do I rank in your whites? In terms of white people? Yeah, for your whites.

Speaker 2 You're probably number one in my list right now, man. Really? Whoa, bro, bro.
I'll tell you why. Because

Speaker 2 you guys don't know this, but I'm going through a hard time.

Speaker 4 I'm always going through a hard time. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you've been really helpful, dude. I love you.
I love you.

Speaker 2 For the audience.

Speaker 2 Bro.

Speaker 2 All right. Wait a minute.

Speaker 2 Imagine if I got canceled for that. Oh, they're like,

Speaker 2 where does he sit in your Asian scale?

Speaker 2 Pretty high up there. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think Bobby is.

Speaker 2 Well, I separated by. So Korean, he is top Korean.
Top Korean. But there are some other Japanese and Chinese that really take the.
Name me one Japanese.

Speaker 2 Roku. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Roku Sudoku. There's no Roku Sudoku? You've never seen Roku Sudoku? He rips.
There's no Roku Sudoku. He is one of the funniest dudes I've ever seen.
Roku Sudoko? Do you know?

Speaker 2 You guys know the comedian Roku Sudoku?

Speaker 2 See? He rips. Yes.
He's so good.

Speaker 2 He's good. He's good.
Give me another Asian guy that's better.

Speaker 2 There's a Chinese guy. Ronnie Chang.
Ronnie Chang. Yeah.
Ronnie Chang.

Speaker 2 He's very funny. Very funny.
Yeah. And also likable.
Very likable. You know?

Speaker 2 There's a couple, but you're the top Korean by far. Noodle Kadoodle.
Do you know Noodle Kadoodle?

Speaker 2 She's good.

Speaker 1 You're my best.

Speaker 2 You're my best Korean by far.

Speaker 2 Okay. All right, so how about this? Tom has almost little time left because he's got to, you know, sell out a fucking arena next door.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 do they have that movie?

Speaker 2 They have that crowd mic that they can. Do you guys have that crowd mic? Do we have the crowd mic so we can get a quick questions from the crowd, George? Get a couple cards from the crowd.

Speaker 2 Okay. Go ahead.
Let's go.

Speaker 2 Tom, big fan.

Speaker 8 So I just want to.

Speaker 2 We're here too, you know?

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 2 I'm a big fan. I watch every single podcast.

Speaker 9 I swear to God.

Speaker 8 Okay, so I wanted to know with all this climate and the experience that you've had in Cancun,

Speaker 8 what kind of glove would you recommend for this?

Speaker 2 It's a really good.

Speaker 8 And also,

Speaker 8 where's the glove?

Speaker 2 So really, those are both, those are good questions.

Speaker 2 I would say that number one a beach glove is what i would wear in this oh beach gloves yeah like something you can shovel with you can also like reach into the water you can knock the sand off of it the sand doesn't stick to it as much yeah so it's more like a latex but they're specifically they're beach gloves do you own beach gloves of course and then the reason i'm not wearing a glove is because customs of course took customs from me yeah

Speaker 2 they're customs they take your gloves all right that guy thank you for that question though good great question tom i have two questions first of all how good is that up there to recreate Good Morning, Julia?

Speaker 2 That is a fantastic background for Good Morning, Julia. A real cool guy atmosphere.
Yes.

Speaker 10 And then second of all, if you could bring anybody back from the dead, why would you pick Fett Smoker?

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 2 a really impressive question.

Speaker 2 Do you want me to break it down for you? No.

Speaker 2 I understand. You understood understand that?

Speaker 2 Oh, man. Fetsmoker, I mean, you know, you're Irish, but you understand that he represents all Americans.
And

Speaker 2 he was fighting to keep the fucking peace and to push out all the fake bad cops that were stealing and corrupt.

Speaker 2 And, you know, it's like there's only one fucking JFK and there's only one Herc News Fett smoker. So,

Speaker 2 you know, long live the Meth King.

Speaker 2 All right. Tom, I'm also a big fan.
Bobby or Andrew, who do you like more and why?

Speaker 2 Oh, who do you like more out of us? Yeah. I mean, that's an aggressive question.
It's Andrew. And I'll tell you why.

Speaker 2 He answers me when I text, when I call. He doesn't just leave me hanging.
He wakes up before 4 p.m., you know.

Speaker 2 But you

Speaker 2 do love me.

Speaker 2 But like you said, number one Korean. Number one.

Speaker 2 Doesn't that feel good? I like you even more than Grandma Kim, and she makes the best bulgogi and the best calibi and the best sundobu.

Speaker 2 And I put you ahead of her, and you've never even fucking cooked for me.

Speaker 2 That's huge. You're the most rockin' Korean I know.
Let's move on.

Speaker 2 All right, look at it. Is that George interviewing George? Yes.

Speaker 4 Two fucking white nerds together. This is awesome.

Speaker 2 He's one of the most handsome guys I've seen so far. This question is for Daddy La Lagon.

Speaker 2 So the last place my mother was seen about two years ago was at a Garth Brooks concert and we haven't seen her since.

Speaker 4 Do you think I'll ever get closure?

Speaker 2 Of course not.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 She's buried somewhere in Oklahoma, pal.

Speaker 9 I'm sorry to navigate away from bad friends, but Tom, Has Christina navigated towards your scrum at all?

Speaker 2 Have you gotten any scrum licking?

Speaker 9 Let's scrum it up, Christina.

Speaker 2 She's disappointed me in that regard in every way.

Speaker 2 You know, I've been trying things, working out more, eating clean, waxing my look. You're doing very good, by the way.

Speaker 2 Thank you. You do look very good.

Speaker 9 After Steve-O's show the other day, I know a lot of buttholes are hair-free, so I want to see yours as well.

Speaker 2 All right, lady, he's married, so fucking land the plane a little bit.

Speaker 2 My butthole is not hair-free,

Speaker 2 and it is not appetizing. I admit that.

Speaker 2 I would not eat my own ass. I wouldn't eat your ass.
No, you wouldn't. I just wouldn't.
But what if you loved me?

Speaker 2 Nope. Yeah.
That's where you poop out of. I wouldn't do it.
Guys, poop.

Speaker 2 How much money?

Speaker 2 Like, how much money would you offer me to eat your butthole? 300 bucks. No.
Oh, no. 500? Grand.
A grand? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 Have you had your butt eaten?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
My butt's good. No, you've had your ass eaten before.
It's not good.

Speaker 2 It's not a fresh product.

Speaker 2 But it's been done? Like yesterday when I, well, two days ago when I showed you my poo.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Wait. I came to the door.
Oh.

Speaker 2 I knocked on the door because we're supposed to go do something together.

Speaker 2 And there's no answer. And so I knock harder, and then he goes, bathroom.

Speaker 2 And I said, come out, I want to clean the room. And And then he goes, go away.
And I said, you want me to suck your little beautiful pee-pee?

Speaker 2 And then he gets up off the toilet. I can hear him get up off the toilet because when he gets up, it's like,

Speaker 2 the fucking weight of the toilet, like, eased up.

Speaker 4 Little suction action.

Speaker 2 And he fucking, who was that? That was insane.

Speaker 4 Yeah. His royal blackness in the bathroom.

Speaker 2 God is a black man. God is a black man.
It's Morpheus.

Speaker 4 Look at this.

Speaker 4 You are the one.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Oh, fuck.
I told you it's a Morpheus. Am I Neo?

Speaker 2 No, you're not fucking Neo.

Speaker 2 He gets up off the toilet. He comes to the front door, and he's in his underwear looking down at me.
And I'd say, Bob, we got to go.

Speaker 2 And then he puts his hand out and it's toilet paper and there's shit on it.

Speaker 2 That's what he is.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend. Goodbye.
Good night. Thank you.

Speaker 2 One more time for Tom Segora. However, Tom Segora, baby.

Speaker 2 woof,

Speaker 2 woof,

Speaker 2 yeah,