Cancún Special w/ Tom Segura & Jim Jeffries

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Call 1-844-4OTESLA or visit Otes. Well, we got But Andreas, give him a round of applause get up on stage hey guys hey wow Fancy! Fancy! Fancy! Fancy! Hey, guys.
Hey.

Wow.

Fancy! Fancy! Fancy!

Thank you, thank you.

Fancy! Fancy!

I'm not going to lie, my legs are shaking. Thank you.

Thank you all for coming to Mexico to see us.

It's our first show live ever and we're very excited.

I didn't realize you guys were here to see me, but thank you.

So, without farting at you, let's introduce the stars of Bad Friends,

Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

You guys are weird.

Andrew looking good.

Are you having a Korean guy around here?

Bobby?

You two are sociopaths.

You two are pretty disgusting.

Oh, good. You two are back together.

You guys are freaks. You are bad pretty disgusting.
Oh, good. You two are back together.
You guys are freaks.

You are bad friends.

Or something.

We're bad friends. That's my opener.
Viva la Mexico Viva la Mexico hey let's see who can do a longer goal let me go first though alright is a goal G-O-A-L? I said Viva La Mexico.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Bad Friends Live!

We're here in Mexico.

We've never done this.

We're so happy to be in Cancun.

We're so happy to be here.

We're so happy to be an hourcun. Oh, we're so happy to be here.
Well, we're an hour south of...

We're so happy to be an hour south of Cancun.

Yeah.

I feel really loose

this week, guys.

Yeah, I might hook up with a

stranger. No.

No.

Maybe a black guy. A black guy?

Yeah. Are there any single

black men here that want to have sex with Bobby Lee? Right in the front row. One black guy? Yeah.
Are there any single black men here that want to have sex with Bobby Lee?

Right in the front row.

One black guy right there.

Sir, can you stand up? Can you stand up

and wave? He's married.

He's married.

Hold on, hold on. Excuse me, sir.
Stand back

up!

What is your name, sir?

Alright, lock eyes with me, Tommy. I know.
I heard it the first time. Feels good, Tommy? Thank you.
I don't think Tommy's interested at all in having sex with you. Thank you so much for coming.
We have a special guest that we don't want to waste any more time without because he's fucking incredible. He is incredible.
He's from England. He's not from England.
He's from Australia. He's got a fancy accent.
He does have a fancy accent. Yeah.
Do you want to introduce our guest? Oh, yeah. He's from England? No, he's from Australia.
And he, I don't know much about him. Here's what I do know about him.
Yeah. He's been really nice to me.
That's nice, right? That's nice. And number two, he knows Brad Pitt.
I don't know if I should say that. He knows Brad Pitt.
He knows Brad Pitt. That's it.
He's one of the greatest stand-up comics right now alive on this planet. He's fucking incredible.
You know him from his specials. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Jim Jeffries! Jim Jeffries, baby!

That was very exciting.

I like how you guys came straight out and were pretty racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you were in Jamaica, would you come out and do the Jamaican accent? Can you translate for us a little bit? Yeah, he said he's very excited and thankful to both of you. We brought along a Spanish guy to translate, an Australian guy, for some of those people in here that don't understand.
Jim, thank you so much for being here. This is amazing.
So good to see you. Your mic is on.
I can't hear you, Bobby. Turn my mic on! Turn his mic on.
Well, so it's me and Jim. That's it.
No, come on. Here, he's got it.
They got that mic working. Hello? Ah! I have a question for you, Jim.
Did they force you to do this, or did you say yes politely? I was forced. There's an itinerary.
Yeah. I got to do this, then I got to do my show, then I got to do the comedy jam.
They filled my day, but, yeah, I was forced to do this. Who's forced? I would have done it if you asked me anyway, but you were forced to have me, so it's a reciprocal thing.
True. That is true.
There's nothing that makes you feel better than Just for Laughs charging these people $50,000 a ticket and the mics don't work. Guys, give it up for Just for Laughs.
Way to go. We're excited to be here.
You just got here now? I came in on the same plane as Bobby. Bobby, you just come from.
Where did you come from? Yeah. And was that your son? Where did you come from, he asked you.
Where did you come from? Like Korea? What are you talking about? Yeah, he was trying to say go back to your country in a very nice way. In the last two days, where did you come from? I was in Hawaii.
Yeah. And then I went to LAX and I ran into you I ran into Bobby at LAX and he'd already come from Hawaii and he'd been at the airport for 8 fucking hours and he was just wandering around doing nothing he was in business class with me yet he didn't use the lounge because he didn't figure out he could fucking go in there I I didn't...
Calm down. Okay.
Okay. But I didn't know that if you have a first class ticket that you're allowed to be in the lounge.
How long have you been a comedian for? You've traveled the world. 45, 55 years or so, give or take.
I've never been in the lounge. I don't know how to get there, but next time you can show me.

Okay.

Raise your hand if you have heard of the fact that if you ever had a first class ticket,

you could be in a lounge.

Raise your hand.

Interesting.

The votes are in.

The eyes have it.

And how do you get there?

How do you find it?

There's no signs.

And he said to me, once you get in there, who do you talk to? No one. You just scan your ticket.
You're in. You learn.
That's fine. That's alright.
Sweating. Sweating.
By the way, we are going to be auctioning off this shirt for charity after the show. No, you're not.
Yes, we are. Anybody wants a ripped up Bowie Sweaty shirt,

we're going to be auctioning off.

You know what, dude?

I'll give it away for free.

What do you think of that? We're going to...

Take it off.

Take it off and give it away.

Go the bottom bit as well.

Who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you?

Here we go.

She could beat the shit out of any guy or girl at this event.

I think she went.

Fight him.

Fight him for it.

Beat his ass.

Choke him out.

Choke him out real fast.

Put him in a choke hold.

Thank you so much.

She came right up.

Confidence. Confidence.
Let's give it a verse. She just got herself a choke hold.
Thank you so much. She came right up.
Confidence. Confidence.
Let's give it up for her. She just got herself a free shirt.
Bold. I thought she was going to beat the shit out of you.
Yeah, man. I was like, she's going to fucking bench you and fuck you up.
You didn't want to lose that. That's a great t-shirt.
An old Bowie t-shirt. I'm going to get it back.
He's going to get it back. Where the fuck are you? Over there? After the show, can I have it back? We'll give you another shirt of his.
They're very polite to give it back. Oh, don't give it back to him.
Yeah, dude. Oh, my Tiger Valley shirt? Good trade.
I make this asshole? I have a thousand of these at home. I don't want this piece of shit.
All right.

Okay, all right.

Good trade.

Good trade.

Your merch.

Yeah, we want to put on Bob's shirt.

We don't want to steal Chrysler's thunder,

so let's get your shirt back on.

What?

Bad friends.

He reminds himself

where he is.

Every hour

he reminds himself

what he's watching.

They say it's on backwards

is what they were saying.

It's on backwards.

Yeah.

But the good...

Oh, now it makes sense.

You know, my favorite

part about this is there's people up at the bar

that did not intend to attend this.

They're just trying to get a drink.

Like, what the fuck is this shit?

Hey, hey guys.

All right, let's talk about

some topics. Yeah, let's chat about some stuff.

All right.

What do you guys want to talk about?

No.

No, Rudy.

Well, Rudy couldn't come.

Rudy, should we tell them?

Rudy got deported.

She's deported.

She got deported.

Rudy got caught on tax evasion.

So she got deported. Rudy got caught on tax evasion.
So she got deported. Sorry.
Go ahead, Bob. Okay.
Oh, my God. What the fuck is that going on? We're going to lose control real fast of this whole thing.
You want me to do impressions right now, asshole? I got Jim Jeffries here. No, I want i want to hear about mad tv that's what he wants to hear about i don't even remember how the fucking let's talk let's let's talk right now bobby's about to make a run on a popular tv show called sex in the city and he's uh they got rid of that blonde girl and they replaced her.
Bobby is playing a character that's very dynamic.

And I told him when he called me, he said, I think I'm going to go to New York.

I'm going to go do Sex and the City.

I said, well, we'll move Bad Prince to New York next year for a little while.

And he said, I'm really happy about the role.

And I said, well, what is the role?

Like, how dynamic is it?

Tell them what you play on the show.

What do you mean?

What do you play on Sex and the City? Mr. Smoll.
No. Chinese guy number three.
Chinese guy number three. Who? Chinese guy number three.
Chinese guy number three? Yeah, there's two other Chinese guys. They have a bigger role.
But I'm getting my fucking lines in, bro. You're getting your lines.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're getting your lines in.
Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much, lady.
I appreciate it. Wait, so let me say this story real fast.
This is my favorite. We got here late last night.
We went out to dinner. Fancy B got drunk as fuck last night.
And also, for many of you, you're all fans, you know, Fancy B is, of course, Spanish, and people down here don't like him so much. And Fancy B speaks with his Spanish, you know, uppity fucking accent.
And let me tell you something. These servers do not like Fancy B.
They don't, do they, fans? They think I'm a little fancy. A little fancy.
I just sound like a British guy would sound to you. He sounds like how the British British people that are like, oh yeah, alright, mate, hola.
But then there's British people like, oh, the car, the car. He sounds like that version to them.
They did not, every time he got drunk and he'd call over a server, he'd be like, mira, mira, mira, mira. And they didn't like it.
They did not like it. The guy kept shaking his fucking head.
And Fancy, and I said, should we leave a tip? And Fancy goes, you don't tip these people. That's what he said.
That's what Fancy said. He did say that.
That is what Fancy said. I think I said it's all inclusive.
All inclusive. That's what he said.
So was that your kid that I met at the airport? Is that my kid at the airport? Yeah, who was the kid? That a kid i found at the airport that's a no of course it's my kid i my my kid's birthday is this week so i brought him out to the trip yeah um it turns out that the resort's adults only so i have to stay in a little bit just off to the side so i don't stay with you cunts uh but uh but yeah it's why i'm out here i mean i i just got married in covid and i have a two-month-old baby at home and i left my wife and baby at home and i brought my ex and my kid to the resort so let's give it up for that i might i mustn't be a bad guy to if i can be able to pull that off right normal mind you i do pay for everyone normalize bringing your ex on vacation i think that should be the future fuck your current get your ex out here baby did you wait and and the tour included your ex and your son coming with you right on on tour do they come with me yeah they come on school holidays i bring my ex and my son and then otherwise i don't bring the baby anywhere the baby sits at home bring a baby ah my wife's right okay i've had two children with two different women right yeah and you know how people go oh the first one's made of glass the second one's made of plastic that's if you had it with the same woman right these were both fucking glass babies right

so i i've been through having a kid going oh you better watch it don't let it fall over that and then i was like oh fuck them they're okay and now my new wife's worse than the last one so i'm back where i started yeah but i look at it this way like if you have two children with two different women, it's it's like a science thing like it's an experiment like if if one kid turns out great it's because the mother did a good job and if the other kid turns out shit it's because the mother did a shit job because I'm parenting them exactly the same way but if they both turn out great, I'll take full credit.

Yeah, as you should.

As you should.

This is my baby.

This is the baby that I get to take care of.

My big sweaty baby.

Did you run a marathon?

For some reason,

I never picture either of you guys having kids.

We don't deserve them.

We don't deserve them.

What do you mean?

I deserve children.

Do you think you should have kids? You know, I think I'd be a very good father. Yeah? Yeah, I think I would.
I think I have ethics and a morality that's different than other people. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like, ask me a question. I'll give you the right answer.
All right. If a kid says, Dad, today at school, a man came up to me that I didn't know, and he asked if he could give me a ride home.

What should I say to that man?

Obviously, fucking yeah.

Yeah, take a ride.

Right, because my children know Taekwondo.

Oh.

Right?

They're like brown belts and stuff.

Right?

So they can handle it themselves.

Give me another situation.

Give me another situation.

Your wife says, I'm tired. Can you breastfeed what do you say yes yes i can what do do does milk come out of our glands or no yours yes oh that's right yours yes yeah i've had i've had my kid latch on really oh yeah yeah i've just been laying down and i fucking had me baby and i put him up against my chest like you're all right and he's just sucking on me tit and i'm like and the look of horror when he comes back up with the hair in his mouth just jim are you are you gonna is this it for you no more kids though this is no more kids uh my wife wants another one, but I said I can't do it again.
I'm too old. And so I'm getting a vasectomy, and she's fighting on it, but fucking my body, my choice, man.
That's right. Women don't get to dictate what we do with our bodies anymore.
The buck stops here. I'll tell you a funny story.
I was talking to my dad and my dad went, my dad was talking about his love life. My mother passed away and my dad's getting out there a bit.
And I said, dad, I'm going to get a vasectomy. And he goes, don't get a vasectomy.
He goes, most women, not all women, but most women, they like to see the cum. And I said, dad, after you have a vasectomy you still come it just doesn't work anymore and he went oh we'll get one then it was the fastest it was the fastest i've ever seen someone change an opinion just like lightning why are you dumbfounded no because i can't even understand what he's saying.
He's so far away.

It's hard to hear each other because the speakers are going this way.

I can't hear anything he's saying, so I'm doing this thing where I'm like, that's funny.

Can you guys hear what we're saying very clearly?

I guess that works.

I'm just watching your lips move, man.

I'm getting good at that.

I know.

Well, there's no audio kickback.

We'll get into that later.

It's easier with you, harder with him. Because know because he's chinese no i want to fuck it can i go back to the the black guy are you asking me to go back to the black i just want to apologize because i feel like i was aggressive in the beginning of the show yeah and i apologize i feel like there's a bad energy between us right now.
Are you good?

I'm fine too.

Let's move on.

I'll get good.

What did you say, ma'am?

I can't hear her.

Oh, can you hug and make up?

They want a hug, I guess. You know.

Yeah.

Hug him.

Bobby, give him a hug.

Bobby, Bobby.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I like that he kept the mask on for safety.

Like, if you hug Bobby Lee,

COVID is the least of your fucking problems.

Jesus Christ. I can't wait to get this letter on Monday.
He gets sued by Mexico as a country. You can't bring him down here anymore.
He's so dangerous. He's too dangerous.
That's a Tom and Jerry shirt. I like that.
It's so funny. Black dudes can wear Disney stuff and no one says anything or like cartoons.
But if white grown-ups wear Disney stuff, everyone's like, zero. Yeah, but we're always leads in their movies.
So that's a different thing. That's true.
That is true. Did you like the hug? Yeah, it was pretty good.
should i get closer to jim so i can hear him switch you want me oh no so everybody understands what was going on with us up there i want to give you a taste of what our ears were hearing so you don't think we're crazy. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.
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I almost I open up the cheeks sometimes when the spray goes in. I always open up the cheeks.
Oh yeah it's so good. And then you use kind of your nuts as a backboard.
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That's hellotushy.com slash badfriends for 10% off and free shipping. The next guy coming to the stage is an old friend of ours.
Yeah. One of our closest, most favorite performers, comedians.

Like the most talented

podcaster we know.

Shut the fuck up!

He's... He could be

a handsome guy, but he ate so much

frijole... Uh-oh.

...that he became rotund.

But he's a very

good comic, and he's gonna be performing

tonight where? At the fucking arena.

At the fucking arena, guys.

No condom.

No condom.

All right, I'll hurry.

Stop going down.

Tom Segura, everybody.

Tom Segura.

Tom Segura.

Tom Segura. Hey, Tommy!

Hey, baby!

Hey!

Hey!

So I want to open up this podcast with an apology. Take a mic.
Okay. Take a mic.
Take a mic. What? Is it because of our phone call? Yes.
So you called me on the phone a couple of weeks ago. Yeah.
On your show live, right? Yep. And I called you a fat, ugly, Peruvian guy.
You did. And it got a really big laugh from your audience.

But I also want to formally apologize because I was rude.

Well, thanks, man.

That's very grown up of you.

Thank you.

You can say something bad about me right now in front of all these people.

What the fuck does that mean?

It's Korean.

Oh, it is?

I thought you spoke Korean.

No, I'm white.

I have genres.

Do it again.

That sounds Spanish.

That doesn't sound fucking Korean at all.

I speak Spanish, so I have a Spanish pronunciation, but it's fucking Korean.

Open your goddamn ears up.

Does anybody speak Korean in here?

Are there any Koreans in here?

Oh, in the back.

What did that say?

Doesn't know.

Okay, how about...

God bless you. Korean in here? Are there any Koreans in here? Oh, in the back.
What did that say? Doesn't know. Okay, how about Are you looking it up, asshole? Yeah, I looked it up.
Of course I looked it up. How about this? I'll teach you Korean.
Wait, wait, let me tell you one. Alright, tell me one.
No name. He just called me the N-word in Korean.
How dare you?

You fucking asshole.

Don't mind him. Stop pointing at the black guy.

Why are you doing that?

I should stop. I'll stop.

I apologize. I'll stop.

Point at any other people.

White guy.

With titties.

I like your titties, sir.

I accept your half-assed apology. Do you want to know what I said in Korean? I don't know.
What did you say? It really didn't sound familiar at all? No, no. The first thing was, I hope you die.
I hope you die. Okay, thank you.
Thank you. What was the second one? You are fat.
You are fat. Yeah, yeah.
I'll teach you one right now. Okay.
Teach everyone. Yeah's...
Yeah, there's other people here too. Yeah.
Boji mashiso. Boji.
Let's say it together. One, two, three.
Boji mashiso. Pussy is delicious.
All right. I'll teach you another one.
Okay. One, two, three.

I have a very small penis.

But let me tell you something.

It's cute as fuck.

No, it's not.

Yes, it would.

And if it was a Pokemon character,

it'd be one of the leads.

Like he'd be like third in line.

I don't know how Pokemon works.

I don't think that's how it works. I don't know why I'm standing.
I'll sit back. Bob, what are your dimensions? Have you gone over this already? Like a dresser.
He's like a dresser drawer. No, I meant of your penis.
Oh. Not your...
Have you ever seen it? Show him. I'll show you now.
Well, I mean... No, I'll turn my back.
I'll turn my back. I'll turn your back.
Yeah, sure. Turn your back and show him.
I'm a Christian, like I said. Show him.
Don't make sure no one else sees. Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay. How weird is that? That was one of the worst experiences of my life.
Yeah. So many colors, huh? There are a lot of colors.
Yeah, there's three colors. I see why you keep looking at the black guy.
You got anything to spare? Yeah. Oh, fuck you, bro.
Hey, hey, hey. Don't.
You're going to hit me with a head. What are all the colors about? Well, his nuts are very, very dark.
Mine? Yes. Thank you.
It's like you dipped them in mud is what it looks like. It's not healthy.

It's very weird. And his penis is

one color at the base and then it goes

like white in the middle and then it gets dark

again at the top. Yeah.
You have a really good

memory of it.

It's

there forever. Yeah, yeah.

You're going to have it too. Now, actually, they

look like Boba. Yeah, and it's actually

I'll be honest with you, it's bigger than I thought it was going to be. No.
Yeah, dude. Friends for life.
Bigger than he thought. Yeah, but he thought it was a micro penis, so bigger than this is that, and that's fine.
That's enough. It's a little bit bigger.
I bet your tongue game is amazing, right? Bo, you want to see? Okay. This one you don't have to stand up for.
I don't know why guys do this, but I'm going to do it. Oh, boy.
Okay. Is that wrong? Go ahead.
So I do this. I always say hello.
Yeah. You want me to hold the mic while you do it? So I'm going to open it, right? Yeah.
Hello. Hello.
And then the little click gives me a little wink. Like that? Yeah.
I'm like. I make the noise.
Let's see how long you can do it for. That's it.
That's it. No, see how long.
That was the time limit. Let's see how long.
One, two, three, go. Pretty good? That was pretty good.
Yeah. Is your asshole moist? A little bit.
Yeah.. Thank you.
Imagine people that just came to this resort that are walking by for a family vacation. They see some little fat Korean.
They're like, this is a... What a fucking nightmare.
It's all inclusive. You know, pay more.
Is this yours? No, that's yours. That's yours.
Tom, thank you so much for doing this. We know you're playing the show tonight.
Give him a round of applause, everybody. Talk to God, everybody.
I love when you blush. It's so cute.
Tom, we miss you in LA, and you abandoned us for Austin. We really are a little upset about it.
I'll be back. But check it out.
You'll be back for real? Sure. Really? I mean.
I made a bet with some comics. I said a year.
You think I'll move back? I think you'll move back in about eight months. Oh, no, definitely not.
Why? Because. I know, but we miss you.
No, I miss you guys too. You have more fucking friends in LA than fucking Austin.

Hey, hey, hey.

Why?

Because, no, fuck you.

Because Joe Rogan, because Joe fucking Rogan went out there.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

He's here somewhere.

Relax.

Where's that head of his?

I don't know.

It's so thick.

Do you still feel like that wave is coming?

What did he say?

The wave.

Do you feel like the wave is coming? To Austin, you mean? No, no. Like, when I was leaving LA, you're like, you don't feel that wave is coming? What did he say? The wave.
Do you feel like the wave is coming?

To Austin, you mean? No, no. When I was

leaving LA, you're like, you don't feel that wave?

Did I say that?

Yeah, you said that. Yeah, yeah.
There's a wave coming,

bud. Is it? Yeah.
You're going to miss out.

I think I've seen the comedy store

lineups. I think I'm pretty good on the wave.

Because you guys fucking moved

out. Yeah.
When Rogan and everyone

and Joey Diaz and everyone moved out of LA, right, the comedy scene got weaker. It got a little weak.
So it's your fault. It's your fucking fault.
There's a new scene, and it's fucking outside of Cancun. This is the scene.
Yeah. This is the scene.
So since you're living in Austin, do you think, because the comedy community there is so tight-knit, do you think you could

do Tony Hinchcliffe's monologue for how he brought up that Asian guy and do it for Bobby?

Do you think you could do the exact same thing?

Let's try it.

Let's try it.

How about, should I be Tony Hinchcliffe?

Because I have to say the word.

I'll be you and you be Tony Hinchcliffe.

You be Tony.

What did he say exactly?

I'll be the Asian guy. What did he say exactly? I'll be the Asian guy.

What did he say exactly?

Okay, okay.

All right, no, no, no.

So I get off stage.

So this is how it went.

Oh, you have to bring me up.

No, you're Tony.

I know, but you're bringing me up

and then I grab the mic.

All right, so I'm the Asian guy

and I'm killing

and I'm like, all right, thank you so much. And he doesn't even have an accent or anything, does he? No, he's like, thank you so much.
Appreciate you guys. That's my time.
Tony Hinchcliffe, everyone. Thank you so much.
I appreciate it. Tony, thank you, Tony.
Appreciate you, man. I killed on the show.
Thank you. Oh, time for the goochink.
Oh, my gosh. Is that what he said? I don't know, but that he said i don't know but that sounded so bad i know that sounded so bad even coming from you it sounded bad how about what one more time for the yellow monkey oh my gosh is that bad i gotta tell you something it doesn't feel wrong whatever you're doing doesn't feel yeah it feels right all right yeah i like this i'm just glad we're getting it on tape.
Yeah. That whole exchange was so racist.

It was tough. doing doesn't feel right.
Yeah, it feels right. I'm just glad we're getting it on tape.
Yeah.

That whole exchange was so racist. It was tough.

Yeah. Was anybody offended?

Who was offended?

Anybody? That guy. One guy.

Go apologize, Bob.

Sir, come over here.

Come here. You're offended.
Come over here,

asshole.

Are you offended? Calls him an asshole. You're offended.
Come over here, asshole. Are you offended?

Calls him an asshole.

Uh-oh.

What's happening?

Give him a kiss.

I'm so sorry.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss.
Give him a kiss. Give him kiss.
Give him kiss. Give him kiss.
Give him kiss. Give him kiss.
Give him kiss. Give him kiss.
Give him kiss. Give him kiss.
Give him kiss. Give him kiss.
Give him kiss. There we go.
I just came inside him. So wet.
That's what he said. It was so wet.
Yeah. My little moist noodle.
Oh, man. What? Nothing.
Everything's good. Tom.
No, I do. Listen, I miss L.A.
I do miss L.A. We miss the shit out of you.
We wish you would come back. But also, we're happy that you guys are enjoying life out there.
Yeah. Honestly, I think it's fucking, it's great.
It's fun. Is there comedy there for real? Is it picked up or no? Well, there's shows all the time.
I mean, there's not like not like are you doing shows i've been on the road a lot yeah you're not doing shows i've done i've done shows in austin but i haven't done like weekly shows because i've been gone okay are you're leaving tonight after the show yeah what kind of plane are you flying on uh fucking i don't know what it's called what is it called american uh 2211 it's just yours are you not leaving on a private plane no no fuck no hey do you guys want to play fuck marry kill yeah okay so out of us three right who you would have to fuck marry kill what's the one i just know what you're doing you don't like this game no i No, I love it. Dude, in improv, you say yes and.

Yes, yes, I love it.

Do you guys want to play I said?

They do.

Scumbag.

All right, go ahead.

Let's play just three people.

Ugh.

Okay?

Ugh.

Sir?

Yeah.

We'll get back to that. What the fuck, bro? Oh, wow.
Well, that's not going to help out PR. That would be aggressive, bro.
You're just like... Oh, man.
This is a bad look. Yeah.
So, what's your name? Fletch? Come closer because the mic. Is your name Fletch? Yeah.
That's a great fucking name. I love that.
Who would you fuck, marry, or kill between us three? I'd fuck Bobby because he's the most ladylike. Most ladylike.
Yes. Clutch? That's a great fucking name.
I love that movie. Who would you fuck, marry, or kill between us three? I'd fuck Bobby because he's the most ladylike.
Most ladylike, yes! Clutch. Fletch.
Fletch. The fucking man.
That's true. I'd have to marry Tom for the money.

Yeah.

He is rich.

That's very smart.

But I love you, Santino.

He's black.

I love you too.

Say that again.

He's not black.

Let's say it again.

Santino's black.

Can you turn to the audience and say that in the mic?

Fletch, can you say it in the mic for me?

Say it, say it.

Santino's black.

Thank you.

All right.

Thank you, fam.

Hey.

That means so much to me.

It's unbelievable.

Hey, don't flick off my black friend.

Don't do that.

Santino.

How did you get that?

I'm not a lady liar.

Huh?

How did you get that?

It's just like they feel me.

There's a thing.

There's a thing.

Let's do one more.

You want to do one more?

Yeah, that's fine.

Let's do one more.

Why not, huh?

Hey, the guy with the titties. Oh.
Come on. Why don't you're wearing it? You want to do one more? Yeah, that's fine.
Let's do one more. Why not, huh? Hey, the guy with the titties.

Why don't you ask a girl?

Ask a girl.

That's right.

Get the fuck out of here.

Oh, my God, Bob.

So mean.

So mean.

All right.

My bad.

All right.

I have my friend.

You want to meet my friend?

There's a girl right there that's asking, Bob.

Get that woman right there.

Right there in the white.

Right there.

She's right there. Yeah, come please.
Yeah, let her do it. Yes! All right.
Yeah, come over here. Fuck, marry, or kill.
Okay. Bobby, I love you, but I have to kill you.
I'm so sorry. Oh, yes.
I'm going to fuck Andrew because he is black. Yes! Yes! Which is absolutely true, and I second that.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh! that and I'm gonna marry Tom because he got business, he got money and he knows what's up and that was good what's your name? my name is Erica give it up for Erica this fucking queen fucking queen Erica do you want to get on the stage and do a spin move and show yourself off? There's Erica and this motherfucker. Erica and this motherfucker.
Erica, are you single? Guys, single, single. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Brilliant, brilliant woman. Wow.
Love her. You nailed it, man.
That's what you want. Two for two? Yep.
Now, let's get someone that's typically out of the pocket of our fan base. Who's above 50? Who's above 50 that's here? 50 or 60? Get that woman up here, please.
Yeah. This is great.
This isn't our usual fan base. Are we still playing the same game? We're playing the same game.
Go up there. All right.
I want to hear what... And let her on stage and let her face the audience.
Look at that swag when she comes up. Damn.
Bobby. All right.
Come on stage and you can face the crowd and Bobby, ask her... Yeah, come right here.
Help her on the street. What's your name? Put your hand out.
What? Karen. Karen.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.
So nervous. Karen, come right here.
Help her on this. What's your name? Put your hand out.
What? Karen.

Nice to meet you.

So nervous. Karen, so we do fuck, marry, kill.
Which one would you fuck,

marry, or kill?

Fuck him.

God damn it, this is great.

This is making my fucking year.

Oh my

God. You don't know what this means

to be, you guys.

Go ahead. Marry him Thank you Karen Give it up for Karen That beautiful beautiful woman there God damn it Man this is the best show we've ever done.
Santino. Yeah, I feel good.
That's really the plug you want right there. God, I feel so good right now.
You don't feel good, do you? I love how much it hurts him. God damn.
Say what you want to say, Bob. Say it.
Well, first of all, I'm 50. You're 37? 38.
Okay, 38. That has nothing to do with it.
Age has everything to do with it. When you're 50, you're going to go like Clint Eastwood.
Dude, I just got stability from everybody. Fucking the worst.
Yeah, but what does that really say? These two psychopaths, nutbags, they're like, this one seems like he's got his shit together. They're like, yeah, this guy will bring me coffee.
Fuck you, all right? Raise your hand if you want to fuck Tom. Raise your hand if you like, look at all these people that want to fuck you, Tom.
Thank you. Thank you.
All right, raise your hand if you want to fuck Bobby. Why are these guys standing up? That guy's very excited to fuck you.
That's the same guy that ate the worm. Those guys are the Irish kids.
Are that the Irish? These guys came here from Ireland. Look at these scumbags.
I love these fucking guys. They flew here from Ireland.
Dude, imagine fucking Bob. That's such a ride.
Oh, my God. Imagine what? Just fucking you.
It'd be so wild.

Why?

Why?

You know, I happen to feel like,

because I have a mirror by my bed.

Why?

To watch my moves.

Oh my God.

Right?

So every once in a while,

I'll, in my peripheral.

Yeah.

Is that how you say it?

In my periphery, yeah.

Peripheral?

In my peripheral?

Yes.

I can see my moves and I can say that it's pretty fucking sexy. All right, let me see.
No. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, he's talking to her. Oh, my God.
Oh, he spits. Oh, he spits right on her.
All right.

Then he gets down and crouching panda.

Crouching panda.

Licky, licky.

Licky, licky.

As he...

Oh, wow.

Wow.

All right.

Sit down, Liu Kang.

Cut it out.

Buffy.

Hey, man.

Buffy has changed my life at night because I told Bob I sweat a lot when I sleep and I

roll around and I get too hot.

And Buffy, no more night sweats for your boy.

Dude, I haven't had night sweats in years since I've used a Buffy. Seriously.
In fact, the pores of my body have closed up permanently. So they're clogged.
Yeah. That's a good thing.
The Breeze is a comforter made entirely from 100% eucalyptus fiber to regulate temperature and keep you cool. We've talked about Buffy on the show before.
Oh, God, I love it. It's 100% plant-based design.
It's breathable. It keeps you comfy at night.
Eucalyptus fabric inside and out. Softer than cotton.
Earth friendly. When you gave me one, I was like, what the hell is this?

And you're like, you trust me?

And I literally use it on my bed now.

And it's so, there's so much, it's breathable.

Yeah, you don't feel like you're getting swallowed up.

It's hypoallergenic and it's high-thread count.

Softer than cotton, naturally soothes the skin.

Cruelty free, baby.

Why not choose 100% plant-based bedding that's better for you and the planet that you're on?

That's right.

You can try a comforter on your own bed for free. And if you don't love it, return it at no cost.
You're not gonna, but you can. Yeah.
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All right?

My Lord.

Unbelievable.

I get it now.

I get it.

You got it?

I got it now.

Yeah.

You want to re-pull the fuck Mary kills?

That was pretty good.

That was good.

Raise your hand if that changed your mind

about what your vote was before.

In the back, it changed our minds.

One guy. One guy in the back.
One guy now is into it. In the back, it changed our minds.
One guy.

One guy in the back.

One guy now is into it.

You saw the moves.

You saw them with your eyes.

Fuck yeah, bro.

Would you be a top or a bottom?

I'm generally a bottom, but I could do top.

You could top?

I've done it before.

I don't think you're, I don't know.

I think you're bottom.

No, I'm bottom 90% of the time, but I can do top play. For how

long? What do you mean far long?

You don't last long on top, do you? 15 minutes.

Is that your window? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. How about you?

How about me what?

15 is actually pretty good.

How about you? Do you fuck strong?

I fuck real, real, real strong. You do? Please give me an example.
I gave you a fucking example. You give me an example.
... ...
... ...
... ...
... ...
... Oh shit! Oh my god.

I gotta get into the scene, so I'm gonna be at my makeup table.

I'm gonna take the makeup off.

Alright, alright, ready?

And I just got home from a long day at the office.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Wow.
Wow.

Wow. Wow.
That was aggressive, bro. Dude, I might press charges.
I know, but was it good? That was really good. It was really good.
Oh, fuck. That was really good.
I want to take two seconds right now and apologize to Tom. I am sorry, Tom.
I'm so sorry, Tom. Sorry, Tom.
That's all good. We are sorry about this.
This is really not okay for us to give this to you. We're really sorry.
Let me tell you. Who's going to go to Tom's show tonight? All these people.
The proof is in the pudding. Give him some space.
Very exciting. Give him some space.

Yeah.

Sorry, Tom.

Sorry, Tom.

No, that was...

Honestly, I really enjoyed both of your moves.

Thank you.

Is there a chance that you'd like to show off your fuckery skills?

I'm recovering from injuries still.

Yeah.

Okay.

I mean, we could both play the women. There's two women.
I think that's a hard no. It's a hard no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's move on.
Let's move on. But I liked it.
I liked watching your show. It was very good.
Thank you. Are you still doing the podcast with the...
Bart? With the retarded guy? Is that so?

Yes.

Is he retarded?

I mean, yeah.

How do you define that?

A little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he flying to Austin every week?

He's a bit of a mess.

He's a bit of a mess?

Yeah.

Does he fly every week to Austin

or do you come back?

It's all in Austin.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's got to be a tough schedule.

No? I mean, we record a few at a time.

Yeah, you knock them out.

It is good to see you guys still working it out.

Bad Friends is about to be over after

Cancun. Really?

This is the last show.

You fucked me way too hard.

I fucked you too hard.

Is it fun to work with him?

Is it fun to work with me? Be honest. All right.
You want a real honest? Yes. Sometimes it's not about comedy.
Sometimes we talk about real stuff. All right.
I'll give you the most honest answer that I'm being very genuine. In my 16 years of doing stand-up and comedy and television or whatever, it's the most fun that I've ever had in my entire career.
Wow. Yeah, not even close.
It's not even close. I'm serious.
It's the most fun I've ever had in my entire life. We get to be fucking...
We get to be the little children that we are. It's my turn.
Huh? It's my turn. All right, thanks for letting me really hash it all out there.
He wasn't done, Bob. No, no, but to him I was.
When is it my turn? It's your turn, Bob. You want to go up front? Yeah, he wants to go up front.
Thank you. Bob, how do you feel about this? Thank you.
About 15 years ago, I saw Andrew Santino perform in the original room at the Comedy Store and I was sitting next to, I can't tell people who are, can I tell them who I was sitting next to? D'Elia! Yeah, D'Elia. Yeah, I was next to D'Elia.
Let's move on. So me and D'Eahlia were sitting next to each other we saw Andrew on stage we never knew who he was we never heard of him and we both turned to each other and we said that guy's gonna be huge that's number one and when he asked me to do the podcast literally it was like I was a Native American and someone littered.
Tears dripping out of my eyes. And it's just, thank you, Jesus, so much for introducing Andrew into my life.
He's the greatest thing in the whole world. Give Andrew Santino a round of applause.
What a great guy. He changed my life.
You changed my life. Thanks, Bob.
I can see why you guys are going to end things soon. No, it's been fucking...
It's been an amazing little ride that we get to do. Do you fight with Bert ever? Because we fight all the time.
We fight constantly. You guys never fight.
We never fight. About anything? Not that I know what i i can't see ever being in a spat with you i mean i don't fight a lot so no but i mean like you got do you guys ever get into like little where it's like you know what it is for us is like coordination where like we're both busy we're doing things and it's like it's hard for us to meet and so we fight about scheduling is a nightmare yeah i mean not not really i mean no i mean you know when he went to serbia to shoot that movie that was uh obviously really challenging to bring people in to fill all the time he was going to be gone but i just go like all right you're shooting a movie so see how easy we need to be nicer to each other because you no see you now right away no no no away.
You're accusing. Right away, because you.
You don't lead with you. Okay, but can I get one thing off my chest? Okay, say I instead of you.
Try. Go ahead.
I... Go say I instead of you.
I am. I...
Yeah? You... No.
Replace you with I. I will not.
I, you, right? No. You are a rageaholic.

No.

And very difficult to work with because you get angry a lot.

Look at his face.

Who makes me angry?

Yeah.

So it's your fault.

I know, but I just need a little bit more compassion from you.

No.

Why?

Because you don't get it.

You're just... Can you guys give us a minute?

This is good.

I really like this.

So why does he get so upset with you?

Because I don't show up on time.

Sometimes I'm not wearing socks.

It bothers him.

Or he just won't answer texts about when we're supposed to be doing a thing.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, stuff like that. But that's reasonable, right? Or we're supposed to go to Universal Studios to shoot a bit for the show and then I show up and he's not there yeah I mean New York shooting something what are you shooting in New York that's more important than fucking what are you shooting in New York that's more important than Bad Friends don't fucking do this right now what are you shooting in New York that's more important than Bad Friends? I'm shooting a TV show! What? What? I'm on Sex and the

City!

Is it more important than Bad Friends?

No. No.

But still cool. Yeah, it's neat.

Wait, you didn't tell him you were not gonna be there?

What? Did you tell him you were not? Yes, I tell

him before and everything, right? He just gets angry.

Tom, Tom, did he tell me?

No. George.
George is like, uh, Andrew? Um, uh, very nervous. Uh, Bobby's not gonna be there.
But it's fine. I just get hung out to dry.
Let's do more fucking stuff. Alright, more fucking stuff.
We don't have any more fucking stuff. We're to do any more fucking stuff.
I think the Cancun people are not happy about it.

Wait, are they mad because I showed my butthole?

Yeah.

Are you being real?

No.

Okay.

It doesn't matter.

Bobby's been giving away money to the staff here.

I don't know if the staff wants to make some money.

Bobby gave a guy $40 to drive us from the hotel next door to right here in a golf cart.

So if anybody wants to make a quick couple thousand, Tommy's handed out money. $40.
We went 17 feet. I said, you just have to tip him like five bucks.
$40. Generous.
A little too much. Generous.
Do you give big tips? Are you always tipping big? What? I'm a really good tipper. Are you a good t good tipper yeah yeah in fact you know what I'll do you know what I'll do one time I saw Sebastian Manoscalco yeah and he's wearing these ugly Italian shoes they were leather but you know you know how ninja shoes they have that little gap yeah it was a dress shoe but they had that little ninja gap between the toe and the rest of the fucking...

I go, I'll give you 200 bucks.

I'm going to buy them from you.

So I gave him 200 bucks.

He gave me his shoes, and I threw them in the dumpster.

I like that.

So I do stuff like that, too.

What were you doing with my shoes?

Is there a staff...

You know what's so funny?

Do you have any money in your pocket right now?

I do.

Yeah.

Why? Let's give it away to a staff. You know what's so funny? I think, do you have any money in your pocket right now? I do, yeah.
Why? Let's give it away

to a staff member.

Well, you made me promise you one thing

in the elevator and what was it?

Not give away my shirt. Not give away your shirt.

All right, my cash is in there. I'll go get it.

Okay, go get your cash and give it away to somebody.

Yeah. That woman right there? Yeah.
She has no idea why they're pointing at her. This is...
By the way, she thinks this is like insurrection. She's like, no, no, no.
All these white tourists like, argh, argh.

What a dangerous thing to do.

All right, Bob. Bob, this lady right here has been serving this entire row.

Give your money to her, please.

Eh,

eh, señorita.

Señorita. Señorita,

el chinito tiene algo que te quiere

regalar. El gordo chinito aquí.

Very nice.

Este huevón.

Very nice.

Very nice, Bob.

Nice.

All right, sit down.

He's very nice. Bobby is very generous and always has been.
A generous, beautiful man. That was really nice.
It was very sweet. What was that, three bucks? What'd you give her? Let me ask you something.
Tom, let me ask you something. Okay.
Because him and I talk about this all the time. About like, you prefer podcasting and doing stand-up.
Right. But the acting stuff, you're a good actor.
I saw you in that one horror movie. I really liked you in it.
Okay. I really did.
I swear to God, I love that movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, right. So he's a good actor, but you prefer to do the other stuff.
Whereas Andrew and I really like acting. I don't know why.
Do you guys hate the fact that we act? Yeah, but I don't prefer it.

I just, we like it.

I know, but it's like a lot of guys like Joe Rogan and stuff,

they kind of yell at us.

Joe's a bully.

Yeah, and Joe Rogan won't go, oh, hey, Lee.

Bobby, do whatever you want to do.

Whatever makes you happy, right?

That's what I've been doing.

Yeah.

I've been doing what makes me happy.

So that's good.

Yeah.

I mean, I like the acting, too. I do.
I think you're a good actor thanks man are you going to still be able to carry on all these other shows or are you just going to do YMH are you going to still do Tom Talks and Espanol honestly I just do them because I enjoy doing them. Yeah.
So the stuff that has like full ad schedules, you have to, right? Yeah. So we do Your Mom's House, Two Bears, Drew's show, Christina's show.
And then we have a show that we signed that we can't announce yet. But like that'll be a new show.
Wait, you have somebody new? Yeah. Oh, somebody new.
Can we, let's just guess. Who do you think is signed? Oh, yeah, guess, guess.
All right. Who do you think is new that they signed to the YMH network to podcast? I don't know what's going on.
Do you not know what we're talking about, buddy? Okay. That's all right.
Explain it to me. Do you want to sit this one out? No, no, no.
I want to explain it to me. So Tom Segura? I know.
He does a thing. Your mom's house is like YMH? No, no.
Just get to the point. Well, they have a bunch of different shows on there.
Yeah. Yeah.
And so they added someone new to the slate that they're going to announce soon. We're going to guess who they added to their podcast world.
Oh, I see. Yeah.
Okay, so go ahead. All right, so a comedian that's added to your podcast world? Added to the podcast world, yes.
That's a part of your family now? That will be. Okay, let's go.
Hannah Gadsby. I know who.
How about that little chubby gay kid

that used to live in LA

but now he lives in Austin.

You're talking about

Dylan.

He used to work at the comedy store.

He has no idea who that is.

Give me a guess. I hate this game.

Go ahead.

Ken Jeong?

No, but it is a notable person. So it's a good guess.
It is what? A notable person. Oh.
Is it Asian? Fuck no. No, that's disgusting.
Yeah. No.
That can only be one. Thank you.
Yeah, it's you. What? I'm your favorite Asian.
You're what? Am I your favorite Asian? For sure. 100%.

No, more than Ken Jeong?

Yes. Okay.

But not more than Ali Wong.

Ali Wong does. Oh, no.

Really? No.

Fuck face. Really?

I am before...

Was she ahead of me?

Was she...

What? Was she what? Is she ahead of me in your eyes? Like, do I like her more in your eyes like do i like her more more than me i like her much more than you but but you're my like you're right you're right there you know what i mean yeah where am i in your white guy fucking hierarchy well you're not white you're hispanic correct okay where am i in your so for number one probably Carlos Mencia. Number one for sure.
Number two, Paul Rodriguez. Okay.
For sure. George Lopez for sure.
Ooh. Felipe.
Jesus Trejo for sure. Felipe Esparza? Way ahead of you.
Way ahead of you. Gabriel? Gabriel Iglesias? Yeah.
That's four people. Jesus Trejo? Yeah, that's five people.
Jesus Trejo? I already said it. Yeah, yeah.
No, you're in my top three Hispanic people. Really? Yeah.
Thanks, man. You're welcome.
What do I rank in your whites? In terms of white people? Yeah, for your whites. You're probably number one on my list right now, man.
Really? Whoa! I'll tell you why. Because you guys don't know this, but I'm going through a hard time.
I'm always going through a hard time. And you've been really helpful, dude.
I love you. I love you.
Just to be honest. No.
No. All right.
Wait a minute. Imagine if I got canceled for that.
Oh. Where does he sit in your Asian scale? Pretty high up there.
Yeah. I think Bobby is...
Well, I separated by... So Korean, he is top Korean.
Top Korean. But there are some other Japanese and Chinese that really take the cake.
Name me one Japanese. Roku.
Oh, oh, oh. Roku Sudoku.
There's no Roku Sudoku? You've never seen Roku Sudoku? He rips. There's no Roku Sudoku.
He is one of the funniest dudes I've ever seen in my life. Roku Sudoku? Do you guys know the comedian Roku Sadoko? Yes! See? He rips.

He's so good.

He's good? He's good. Give me another Asian

guy that's better. There's a Chinese

guy. Ronnie Chang? Ronnie Chang.

Yeah. Ronnie Chang.

He's very

funny. Very funny.
Yeah.

And also, likable. Very

likable. You know? There's a couple

but you're the top Korean by far. Noodle Kadoodle you know noodle kadoodle she's good you're my best you're my best korean by far okay all right so how about this tom has almost little time left because he's got a uh you know sell out a fucking arena next door so do they have that mo they have that um they have that crowd mic that they can do you guys have that crowd mic do we have the crowd mic so we can get questions from the crowd George get a couple questions from the crowd okay go ahead let's go Tom big fan thanks so I just wanted to know we're here too you know Jesus I wanted Jesus.
Ooh. I wanted to.
I'm a big fan. I watch every single podcast.
I swear to God. Okay.
So I wanted to know with all this climate and the experience that you've had in Cancun, what kind of glove would you recommend for this? It's a really good. And also, where's the glove? So really those are both those are good questions.
I would say that number one a beach glove is what I would wear in this. Oh beach gloves.
Yeah like something you can shovel with. You can also like reach into the water and you can knock the sand off of it.
The sand doesn't stick to it as much. Yeah.
So it's more like a latex but they're specifically either beach gloves. Do you own gloves of course and then right the reason i'm not wearing a glove is because customs of course they always custom they take your gloves all right that guy thank you for that question though good great question tom i have two questions first of all how good is that up there to recreate good morning julia that is a fantastic background for Good Morning Julia.
A real cool guy atmosphere, yes. And then second of all, if you could bring anybody back from the dead, why would you pick Fed Smoker? That's a really impressive question.
Do you want me to break it down for you no i understand you understood that uh man fetsmoker i mean you know you're irish but you understand that he represents all americans and um he was fighting to keep the fucking peace and to push out all the fake bad cops that were stealing and corrupt. And, you know, it's like there's only one fucking JFK and there's only one Herc News Fet Smoker.
So, you know, long live the meth king. All right.
Tom, I'm also a big fan. Bobby or Andrew, who do you like more and why?

Who do you like more out of us?

Yeah.

That's an aggressive question.

It's Andrew.

I'll tell you why.

He answers me when I text, when I call.

He doesn't just leave me hanging.

He wakes up before 4 p.m.

But you do love Bobby. But like you said, number one Korean.
Number one. Doesn't that feel good? I like you even more than Grandma Kim.
And she makes the best bulgogi and the best kalbi and the best sundobu. And I put you ahead of her and you've never even fucking cooked for me.
That's huge. You're the most rockin' Korean I know.
Let's move on. All right, look, is that George interviewing George? Yes.
Two fucking white nerds together. This is awesome.
He's one of the most handsome guys I've seen here so far. This question is for Daddy Lalagon.
So the last place my mother was seen about two years ago was at a Garth Brooks concert and we haven't seen her since do you think I'll ever get closure? of course not thank you she's buried somewhere in Oklahoma, pal I'm sorry to navigate away from bad friends but Tom, has Christina navigated towards your scrum at all? Have you gotten any scrum licking? Let's scrum it up Christina! She's disappointed me in that regard in every way I've been trying things working out more, eating clean waxing my ass You good, by the way. You do look very good.

After Steve-O's show the other day, I know a lot of buttholes are hair-free, so I want to see

yours as well.

Alright, lady. He's married, so fucking

land the plane a little bit.

My butthole is not hair-free.

And it is not

appetizing, I admit that.

I would not

eat my own ass.

I wouldn't eat your ass.

No, you wouldn't.

I just wouldn't.

But what if you loved me?

Nope.

Yeah.

That's where you poop out of.

I wouldn't do it.

Guys poop.

How much money?

300 bucks.

How much money would you offer me to eat your butthole?

300 bucks.

No.

Oh, no.

500?

Yeah.

A grand?

Yeah. Okay.
Okay. 500? Grand.
A grand? Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Have you had your butt eaten?

Yeah.

Yeah. My butt's good.

No, you've had your ass eaten before.

It's not good. It's not a fresh product.

But it's been done? Like yesterday, two days ago

when I showed you my poo.

Oh. Wait.

I came to the door.

I knocked on the door because we're

Thank you. Like yesterday when I, two days ago when I showed you my poo.
Oh. Wait.
I came to the door. Oh.
I knocked on the door because we're supposed to go do something together. And there's no answer.
And so I knock harder. And then he goes, bathroom.
And I said, come out. I want to clean the room.
And then he goes, go away. And I said, you want me to suck your little beautiful pee pee? pee and then he gets up off the toilet i can hear him get up off the toilet because when he gets up it's like the fucking weight of the toilet like eased up a little suction action and he fucking who was that that was insane yeah his royal blackness in the god is a black man god is a black man it's morpheus look at this i you are the one oh my god fuck i told you it's morpheus am i neo no you're not fucking neo i get up off the he gets up on the toilet he comes the front door and he's he's in his underwear looking down at me and i'd say bob we gotta go and then he puts his hand out and it's toilet paper and there's shit on it that's what he is

thank you for being a bad friend

goodbye goodnight thank you guys

one more time for Tom Segura

another time for Tom Segura baby Hey! Yeah. Woo.
Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.