Black Monday w/ Erik Griffin

Speaker 1 Hey, bad friends, I'm on the road. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
I'm gonna be in San Diego. Then I'm gonna be in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
Then I'm going to Arizona, Phoenix.

Speaker 1 I'll be there for New Year's Eve shows. And then in the new year, I'm gonna be in DC, Atlanta, Albany, Seattle, Portland.
I'm jumping all over the place, and there's more dates being added.

Speaker 1 Go to andrewsantino.com for tickets. AndrewSantino.com for tickets.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. Let me say this.
Welcome, everybody, to the Black Monday set. Dark night.
This is Black Monday. We don't do Black Friday.
We do Black Monday. Is it Black Monday?

Speaker 1 Oh, fucking Black Monday.

Speaker 1 That's what, what's up, dog? Do it, bro. Hey.
You feeling good on Black Monday, Dog?

Speaker 1 How about you, player? Black Monday in the house, dog. I'm bored.

Speaker 1 Give me some skin. Let's have some skin.

Speaker 1 You want to raise the roof together or what, Doc? Security.

Speaker 1 What's going on?

Speaker 1 What's going on with you? You come in with such rage and anger. Can I get a second? I just parked.
Can I get a second? You just put me right into the fire? Go ahead. God.
What is it?

Speaker 1 I want to squid games this fucker so bad right now. We talked about which one we would lose at.
Which one do you think you'd lose at squid games? All of them.

Speaker 1 No, but would you make it past any of those things? I don't know, dude. The cookie carving one, I think you might be able to do.
You know what?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. That's you.
No, you took it. You took that the wrong way.
Wow. You took that the wrong way.
Dude, I've always thought that. It was a cookie carving one? Back?

Speaker 1 That was where they had to scroll. Under shooting.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 You were a clockmaker. Like, that's how skilled you are with your hands.
A clock maker. Yeah, you have that vibe.
You know, like the key maker, kind of a. I didn't understand why

Speaker 1 if the glass thing can hold two people, like, why didn't they just, you know, swing the littlest person, you know, boom, that one breaks? Yeah, boom, that one breaks. And then now we can all go.

Speaker 1 Like, get their arms and their legs.

Speaker 1 They don't know what the game is, right? They knew what that one was. It said it could hold two people.
It did say that. I know, but under the circumstances and the stress event, I just don't think.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you would have been that guy in the front that was like, I'm not going to move. Yeah, I'm that guy.
Yeah. 100%.
I'm sure of that. Which one am I? No, I'm the guy.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're the bastard guy at the end who turned on everybody.

Speaker 1 For sure he is.

Speaker 1 No, I'm the one that I would take somebody down with me. So I'm like that girl who

Speaker 1 the girl, right? She's the girl. I'm the girl for you.
The girl that grabs the guy. Yeah, yeah.
You're getting fucked in the bathroom. Like if I ever get...

Speaker 1 He goes in there for a smoke, too. He's sneaking away for a smoke just to get fucked by the big gangster.

Speaker 1 I think, dude, I think as a male, as me,

Speaker 1 I think I probably would do something like that. What? Fuck a guy? Because I don't want to die.
I don't want to die. That's the number one thing.
I'd rather never die. Right?

Speaker 1 So I think I'd make decisions based on survival. And I think that I would definitely fuck that guy with a tattoo on his neck.

Speaker 1 You turning on your friends?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would turn on you. You just looking out for you? No.

Speaker 1 That would be Bobby. Bobby's special would be called turning on your friends and him just facing the camera.
Looking like this away from the camera. Yeah.
Putting your back out.

Speaker 1 You know what I'd do with the

Speaker 1 tug of war? Tug of war. I would just tie his whole body to the end of it

Speaker 1 like an anchor, right? And I would just lay on your stomach. Wait, hold on a second.
And you would just lay there as an ankle. I think that's what I would do.
And then you'd hear, hold on a a second.

Speaker 1 Hold on a second.

Speaker 1 Hold on a second, fatty.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. Real tall.

Speaker 1 Please let him know.

Speaker 1 Real tall. You dog parent.
That's the dog parrot over there.

Speaker 1 You just as fat.

Speaker 1 I know. I'm just saying what I would do.

Speaker 1 Would you do that if, like, under the circumstances, I would just be like, Eric, get to the end. We're going to tie it around your body.
You're actually the old guy.

Speaker 1 You're actually really the old guy who did all this and he's going to die in a bed. Oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're a psycho who planned all this chaos

Speaker 1 the whole time just to toy with people.

Speaker 1 That's what Bobby would do. If he got all that money, he would just puppeteer chaos like that if he was that rich.
No, I said if I was in that show, I would have died in the van.

Speaker 1 On the way there. That's the way you got it.
You didn't say that. I did that.
Yeah, just for gastrophobia. Griff, where'd you just come back from? I texted you.
Where were you?

Speaker 1 I use Griff's phone number to get free Wi-Fi on flight. Yeah, and always know, too.
i always know wait like i get a text message on the go go flight thing yeah yeah yeah because if you're

Speaker 1 t-mobile which is no one i know other than griff

Speaker 1 oh

Speaker 1 what are you talking about size-wise okay so i think you look good there all right no no no fuck you i think you look good so no no fuck you

Speaker 1 you and i are in a text stream and somebody sent this to us and it sent it to me and i went directly to the store And I go, delete this photo. Why? You look good.
And they still haven't deleted it.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with that? I look like I'm dying right then and there. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like everything just imploded in my body. Yeah.
And that's it. That's the second thing.
It looks like he took a really hot shit and his butt was burning. And he's trying to pull his pants up.

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 1 You know when a like a pastry chef is piping out icing out of a bag? Yeah. You look like an icing bag, 100%.
Oh, for sure.

Speaker 1 Like this photo. There's like mustard in it.

Speaker 1 No, you know what that photo looks like?

Speaker 1 If I was the Boston Marathon runner and my bag exploded like prematurely,

Speaker 1 so I'm about to plan a fucking bag. So fucked up.
And I'm like, so fucked up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they do this a lot, though. Well, I had to.
They take such bad photos. I had to hit them up about one, too.
It was like, dude, you had to pick the worst picture of me? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 No, so it's so funny because some of the photographers there do a great job. Pam does it, like, they do good jobs.
And then sometimes they'll pick, I'll see the photos, I'll go, yo, those are dope.

Speaker 1 And then they'll pick the one that I go like this where I'm going,

Speaker 1 like that, and they post it. There's a comic working that.
Well,

Speaker 1 you know who runs the account. That's why.
So, wait, what was up in Tampa? What'd you do? Side splitters side splitters. How was it? It was all right.
Why? Just all right. It's just all right, man.

Speaker 1 What's a side splitter?

Speaker 1 I think a lot of these places. You never played Tampa Club? I played the side.

Speaker 1 Well, no, the Houston Club improv used to be in the old side splitters. You ever see play that club? Where you walk in?

Speaker 1 There used to be.

Speaker 1 You walked in, and what it was was the lobby was trees. But not just trees.
Like Rainforest Cafe? Exactly, but they had the trees inside the building.

Speaker 1 Right. And on the walls, it's all branches and trees.
It looked like a cauldron. What's a cauldron? No.
What is it? You mean a dungeon? No, it looked like a... What's a cauldron? A cauldron

Speaker 1 is a witch brew thing, like a bottle. They would make a cauldron.

Speaker 1 That looks like a place where they make cauldrons. You know, like double toy en travel.
That's a cauldron. That's a cauldron? Look, that's a cauldron.
All right, we have one at the studio.

Speaker 1 It looks like the club used. Hey, fuck it, man.
It just looks like it was a cauldron factory. Say it was like Rainforest Cafe.
But Houston. It wasn't.
It was darker. It was fine, though.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, let's go back to side splitters.

Speaker 1 Florida crowds are. I mean, look, and they don't have to do vaccine shit down there, do they? Yeah, they don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 It's wild. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Florida, something happened to me in Florida the first thing that the first time it has, and it'll never happen again.

Speaker 1 I did a double before Kalella. You made love to me.
You had a threesome? No, I made love to two girls

Speaker 1 in one night. Before the show, after the show? Both after the show.

Speaker 1 Like, it was like a, you come at this time, you come at this time? I feel like crying just thinking about it. Because you're emotional and you miss it? Could you miss it? Miss it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was just a miracle from God, I think.

Speaker 1 How did it happen? Okay, so I met a. I don't know if I see

Speaker 1 a preacher's daughter. A what? Preacher's daughter.
Oh, he's not going to listen. You think he listens to this fucking podcast? I want her to listen.
She was really angry at her father.

Speaker 1 You know what I

Speaker 1 I'll go fuck a fat Asian guy, Jab. How about that? Can I tell you something? That maniagal laugh I hear coming from the other room.
From Andres?

Speaker 1 Best.

Speaker 1 From fancy? Hey, hey, hey, Tits. What are you laughing at? Oh, boy.
Here we go.

Speaker 1 He's talking to you, Doc. Oh,

Speaker 1 I'm over here just

Speaker 1 in my phone a little bit. My bad.
I didn't even know.

Speaker 1 Y'all was talking about Sash.

Speaker 1 Is Doc here?

Speaker 1 Jules is really running the cars

Speaker 1 what man he's not out here doing the cars

Speaker 1 hit him hit him doc

Speaker 1 are you in the light dude hit him back doc

Speaker 1 anyway so the one of the girls was a preacher's daughter yeah

Speaker 1 and um

Speaker 1 and then the other girl was what happened was

Speaker 1 She left my hotel and I met another girl, a college student. You were outside smoking a cigarette and a girl walked by? No.

Speaker 1 She had exchanged my, so when I was with the preacher's daughter, I had exchanged my numbers with another girl and she goes, I mean,

Speaker 1 I left my group. Where are you at? Where are you at? So I went to the, looked at the preacher's daughter.
I go, you got to get out of here because I have to do radio in the morning.

Speaker 1 She left, and then when the elevator reopened, it was the other girl. Wow.
So it was like one of those nights. That was mad.
That's magic. Yeah, and then a little Visine drop came out of my PP.

Speaker 1 That's all you had in there? That's all I had left in the first place. For the second one? For the second one.
No, no,

Speaker 1 for the first one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the second one. Well, the poll is: who's more disappointed? The second one, blood came out.

Speaker 1 What? Who's more disappointed? Is the poll. The first girl who got, you know, all of it.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of protein there, dude. I mean, it's like, you know.

Speaker 1 But you're probably so

Speaker 1 excited. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 You're probably so excited that you just. Yeah, I was excited.
Two pump. Yeah, yeah.
Two pump, for sure. Has that ever happened to you?

Speaker 1 What? Two girls in one night? Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay, sure.

Speaker 1 I don't want to share a story. No, you don't want to hear? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was in Indianapolis, actually.

Speaker 1 Was it? It was in Indianapolis. That's good, though.
That's after Helium? Is that what it is? Or do you crackers? Crackers. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's that lady's name? I love her. Crazy Cracker.

Speaker 1 What's that lady's name? Cranes Crackers in Indianapolis. I love her.

Speaker 1 God, I see her face.

Speaker 1 I love her. Ruth Ann.
Ruth, Ruth, yeah. She reminds me of the lady that owns the funny bone in Nebraska.
Omaha. I never did it.
I never did it. Oh my god, you got to play Omaha, Nebraska.

Speaker 1 Because the lady that runs a club is like 1960s, like a rock. Like she loved the stones, but she still has that energy.
Like she used to go to shows and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 She'd pee on somebody like that rocker chick. Yo.
Whoa, what? Have you seen that? You ever seen that? I like pee. Play that club.

Speaker 1 We have that clip. Have you ever seen this? Show me the people.
Yo, this chick

Speaker 1 is like a hardcore rock star.

Speaker 1 What, Doc? Parental discretion is advised.

Speaker 1 That's why he's here.

Speaker 1 Hey, you'll learn about Doc.

Speaker 1 Doc's greatest contribution to the show is burying whatever he's saying underneath whatever someone else is saying.

Speaker 1 We'll be talking. He'll just throw it underneath and I'll have to stop.

Speaker 1 Before we even get to this, the peeing, I love peeing. No, you have to see me.
Can we talk about his tits hat first? Go on.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 It feels like you, it's like a guy who doesn't get any girls buying a Ferrari. Oh.

Speaker 1 It's like it's a weird advertising.

Speaker 1 What? Like a keychain for the, because if you can buy a Ferrari. Ferrari, you don't wear trucker hats.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't think I'm projecting good energy? I'm not bringing a pussy.

Speaker 1 The kid likes tits. What's wrong with that? That's your favorite out of the body.
You would say the tits is the most important.

Speaker 1 They're nice. I know, but is that your favorite thing? I know they're nice.
We all love them.

Speaker 1 Do you think they're an ass, man? Oh, there you go. Why don't you wear an ass hat then?

Speaker 1 Because then it would be like you're an ass hat. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Oh, that's right. I'm trying to show I care.
You see what I'm saying? This the whole past year, you're fucking up. I just would like to know the reaction of

Speaker 1 Jules. You see this.

Speaker 1 You're in 7-Eleven, and a dude walks up and he's got a tits hat on.

Speaker 1 Are you like immediately like, ooh,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? What's your first thought? What's your first thought?

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, Doc, but it looks stupid.

Speaker 1 There we go. That's America.

Speaker 1 That's definitely America. You can take it off, Doc.
Take it off. Yeah, take it.

Speaker 1 It was in the studio.

Speaker 1 Did you write tits on there yourself? It was in here. It was in your students.
Oh, you just wore random hats.

Speaker 1 You know whose hat that is.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Pete.
That's right. Pete, when he leaves the house, when he leaves his wife and kids, he's like,

Speaker 1 and he drives here, and he's just so excited because he can say stuff like that out in public when he's not at home.

Speaker 1 He does have great tits.

Speaker 1 Doesn't Pete have great tits? The best in this in this studio.

Speaker 1 Proportionally. You know, sometimes when our tit sweats, it's only like in the tip of it.
Do your tits been sweating lately? Oh, yeah, man. You had, dude,

Speaker 1 in Mexico, the funniest tit sweat he had when we went out to dinner. I mean, it was like a little crescent moon right under your little titties.
But that's because we bombed? Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That is true. When I bomb in front of 800 people, I get like crescent moon tit sweat.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. If you were there at that show, you would imagine him on that stage.
Oh, yeah, because he got big titties. Pairs of titties is really not.

Speaker 1 This is a titties and fairy. This is why I'm here.
Wow. This is why I'm here.
This is

Speaker 1 wow. Thank you, dog.
Black on black crime. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what I like. Wow.

Speaker 1 Don't let these two

Speaker 1 do this to you. This is what they do.
White people have been doing this for years. I know.
This is

Speaker 1 great. This is why, you know, Martin Luther King and Malcolm X didn't get along.
It was two motherfuckers like this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Two fuckers.
We're Hoover.

Speaker 1 Would you imagine I go up to Malcolm X? I'm like, listen, I don't know if you've heard, but, you know.

Speaker 1 That's how they talk. And

Speaker 1 my friend Wang over here, I'll tell you the the truth. Wang, tell him.

Speaker 1 Tell him what MLK thinks about him now. So, is that what you think we're doing? We're trying to pit you guys.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm a minority.

Speaker 1 Yeah, not right now. Not really.
No,

Speaker 1 you guys are on the way up right now.

Speaker 1 I'll feel it. TV shows, phones, you know what I mean? You're doing too well.
Yeah, yeah. So he does have big tits.
I'll expand on that. You know, they supple.
You know what I mean? Like, they're not.

Speaker 1 What the fuck do you want me to say? You got tits.

Speaker 1 That's what I want you to say. I was only going to say, no, I was trying to graduate your tits to a nice level.

Speaker 1 All right, enough. I want you to see this pop.
All right. So, this chick is, what's her name? Bilbo Baggins over here.

Speaker 1 Who are you talking about? Talking shit.

Speaker 1 See, when you say stuff like that, he thinks that's him. I know that.
You got to be careful.

Speaker 1 You just call me Dildo Baggins? What are you calling me? Bill Baggins. Yeah, Dildo Baggins.
All right. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he's Dildo. She's a rock star lady.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to imagine I bought tickets to this woman's show. Yeah.
I have all of her albums. Yeah.
I cannot wait. I got front row.
This is great. She brings a guy on stage.

Speaker 1 By the way, mind you, context. This guy wants this.
This is not, this is not, oh my God, I can't believe that happened when.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it said nothing about him. No.
This is all. It's all about her.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's see. Let's see.
Check this out.

Speaker 1 He's laying down. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 She has to go to the bathroom really bad. Yeah.
Really bad. Oh my God.
Oh, my God. I I mean, it's unbelievable.
By the way, this is not just like, hey, I got a little tinkle.

Speaker 1 This is like when the hose, you know, when you open the hose after it's been, after it's been kinked? Yeah, yeah. This is just like

Speaker 1 after you just, after you untangle the hose. Watch this.
Ready? Oh, you'll notice. You'll know.
Yeah. She's getting ready to load up.
Bang.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 on his face. Look at that spray.
Yeah. On his face, this idiot.
What percentage of that liquid is pussy juice?

Speaker 1 I mean, look, he's shaking his head off, and then he's smiling. Is it all urine?

Speaker 1 For me?

Speaker 1 I mean, there's no lubrication juice in there. No, there's something.
And he's pumping his fists as she goes away. Oh, wow.
This dude's amped as shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's not the problem. That's his problem.
No, no, no, no. No.
Yeah. That's just a lie.
Have you ever had somebody pee on you? No, but I've watched porn. Where they pee?

Speaker 1 Sometimes I'll put in pee. What? Don't you do that in your show, nobody?

Speaker 1 Hey, that's rude. That's a big closer.
That's a fucking rude. That's the closer.
The closer gets a big laugh.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Baltimore. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But he's like, it's like this, though. He's like, yeah, thank you, Bakama.
Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 1 He goes,

Speaker 1 we know it's all right, it's a good size.

Speaker 1 It's been out there, thank you, thank you. Well, look, let me say this: since we have two uh

Speaker 1 POCs uh in the room, I'm not, I don't consider you a person of color. Why? Because you're just not, I am, you're just not,

Speaker 1 bro. It's like it's so funny because in the KKK would I be able to join that's right you're asking the right guy yeah yeah and would I

Speaker 1 you're they don't have no kung power yeah there's only

Speaker 1 this fucking guy

Speaker 1 taking it to the night is doing like ASMR

Speaker 1 I'm the DJ Kyler

Speaker 1 you know what ASMR is no what is it it's where people whisper into the mic they get they turn the gain up real high and they whisper and they touch the mic

Speaker 1 or they'll have like somebody who'll be hitting their phone like this. Or cutting something smooth.
Like cutting Styrophones. I love that, yeah.
I do love it too.

Speaker 1 I do love it. Well, sometimes I go at night, three in the morning, and I just put it on YouTube.
I'll have a girl just start chewing something in my ear. You like that? Oh, yeah, it puts me right out.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 What is this here?

Speaker 1 What is this? All right, show the pickle video. Show this girl.
She's famous. Dude, I can't believe this has 37 million views.

Speaker 1 so people like to hear it opening here how it's like but the gain is like really high yeah so you can you hear every little thing that's what they ask you can't hear right now they put those on

Speaker 1 now she's showing the pickle jar there let's just get to her eating one it's all she wears this bright red lipstick and

Speaker 1 people like this

Speaker 1 I love this. Dude, people love it.
I can go to sleep right now. Really? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I love it. This woman eating is just so.
I cannot stand that people eat and listen. I'm cool with like cut.
Oh,

Speaker 1 that's when you want to slap people. When they eat like that, that's.
Oh, this is.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.
Enough. Enough.
Enough. Enough.
Jesus Christ. I can't take that anymore.
My God.

Speaker 1 How do you like that, Bob?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I mean, it's.
But does it turn you on or it soothes your heart? It soothes my soul.

Speaker 1 I think about other things than whatever is going on in my mind.

Speaker 1 So I don't know. I just focus on the sound.
You know, when people are ripping things up or going, I like those scenarios where they go, you're at a new space station.

Speaker 1 Put your ID code in this hand thing. And you put your hand there.
I act it out. You do.
Yeah. So I go, okay.
And put the hand thing. Right.

Speaker 1 And now you're sitting in the lounge and your ship is going to take off in 2,300 hours, right? And I go, and I respond. I go, okay, thank you.
Can I sit here? And I do my own dialogue.

Speaker 1 But she doesn't, she doesn't answer me. She doesn't answer me back.
No, no, no. You're just calling out.
She said, she goes, all right, I just need to fill out this paperwork.

Speaker 1 What's your, how tall are you? 5'9? Like, I respond.

Speaker 1 Right? But we. 5'9, big dick? You know what I mean? I'll just

Speaker 1 what?

Speaker 1 I know, but it's in the scenario. 5'9.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bobby.
I know, but she doesn't. It's just a scenario.
A legal dwarf. You know what I mean? Well, wait, stop, stop.

Speaker 1 Honestly,

Speaker 1 if I'm almost legal dwarf, uh-oh. What the fuck is he? I'm a dwarf.
Yeah, and I was over here like is he dwarf? Legal. Legal.
Legal. He's legal dwarf.
He's got a license at the Shire.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 If he went to the Shire, he wouldn't turn any heads. Like, Doc, where you been?

Speaker 1 He's black, so they're like,

Speaker 1 is there black hobbits?

Speaker 1 Wait, are there black hobbits? I don't think they would go, Doc, where you been? See if there's any black hobbits. I don't think so.
No, there's none. Blobbits.
Blobbits? Blobites?

Speaker 1 Doc shows up. They're like, oh my gosh, were you in a fire? What happened?

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Speaker 1 Upstart.com/slash bad friends. They would just ask where he is, and you'll go, I'm from the dire.
Maybe they have a new, like, maybe they have an urban community called the Dire. The Dire.

Speaker 1 Is it like dwarfs, but like the wire? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But like with

Speaker 1 dwarfs, and it's like they're like docs and criminal dwarfs.

Speaker 1 I love that show idea. That is good.

Speaker 1 The dire with dwarfs.

Speaker 1 Keep going. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, you want to be in it? Well, he just wants a role in something. Yeah, yeah, look at me.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Doc, we could get you in that. The problem is, we don't even know if Doc can act.
I think he can. Yeah, I'm good.
I think I've done scenes. Have I done scenes with you before? No.

Speaker 1 Okay. He can't.
He can't.

Speaker 1 You don't know. How do you know? I don't know.
I did a scene with Griffin. Did you guys do a scene together? Yeah, what was that? Oh, that was Brett Ernst's comedy special.
Yeah. What is that?

Speaker 1 What did you guys do? He had like one of those little intro things. I was like the principal of his school.
Oh, wow. You know, and he was like, he was like a young, young Brett.
And what did he play?

Speaker 1 Like.

Speaker 1 He was a janitor, I believe. No, I was a 12-year-old, remember? I was supposed to be a 12-year-old grown-ass dude who looks

Speaker 1 a 12-year-old who looks grown as fuck. That was written for you.
Well, that's a funny joke. That's a funny joke.
That's very funny. Very funny.
And what was your line? Do you remember?

Speaker 1 My line was because he was sitting at his desk. It's on YouTube.
It is? Bring it up. I'm going to bring it up.

Speaker 1 I'll listen to your acting on YouTube. Yeah.
And we'll give you a one thing.

Speaker 1 What's it called, Griff? Because he actually released it on YouTube. It's just Brett Ernst.
Brett Ernst. Special.
Look at Ernst. U-R-N-S-E-E-R-N-E-R-N-S T.
Yeah, E-R-N-S-T.

Speaker 1 Next.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. How old are you? I'm 12.
Fucking Bill.

Speaker 1 Now, what you want with Delante?

Speaker 1 Scene Stealer. 100%.
Scene Stealer. All right, Wait, can you back up and just freeze frame on Doc? Just pause it on Doc.
Just stand back. That was a shock.

Speaker 1 Because I've never seen you wear without glasses. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Look at him. You know, you can tell he can't see shit.

Speaker 1 They were like, Doc, you're looking right here. You're looking right here, bud.

Speaker 1 He's down on the floor.

Speaker 1 What? Because Doc looked 47 right here. How old was Doc?

Speaker 1 Six, seven years ago. Shit.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. You look good, dude.
That's so funny because I forget after all this time of knowing you when you had a mustache for as long as I've known you. Oh, that's crazy.
And then now gone.

Speaker 1 Now it's here, but it's just connected to my mouth. No, I know, but the face is remarkably different.

Speaker 1 When you met him, he had the mustache. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When's the last time you were shaved? Never. I never shaved.
I think I did once on this show for a bit, and it was bad. I look weird now with shaved.

Speaker 1 When you got rid of all your, if you got rid of everything? Yeah, I look weird. I don't look like myself.
What's his name on Billions? Did it too? Who? For the second half of Billions, Giamatti.

Speaker 1 Oh, Paul Giamatti. He shaved his face.
Oh, yeah. It's crazy.
Yeah, it just doesn't look like the same guy. Like, bring him up.
Were you shaved on Undatable?

Speaker 1 When you did the episode on Undatable? I didn't do Undatable.

Speaker 1 No, thanks. Doc.
Well, I'm sorry. That was real.
That's a doc moment.

Speaker 1 Were you, how do you even, were you on that show? I was an extra on there. I thought you would did an episode on Undatable.
He was doing the exact same thing he was sitting at the bar

Speaker 1 oh he was extra

Speaker 1 yeah and then you know look at the scene was going on and he would just say something in the background and and it was it was while somebody else was talking what what

Speaker 1 look at this look at he looks so weird now yeah no hair on the face or the head that's for the show he did it for the show but he has hair in the show it's the top left one i think is more like what's going on right now in the billions yeah

Speaker 1 yeah yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 I was so used to him having the facial hair. I know, right? That's so weird to see him without all that shit.
Anytime I see a Showtime show that's still thriving, I just go, huh.

Speaker 1 Oh, because can we announce? You know what I mean? That these two were on a show. Announce? Everybody knows it.
Yeah. I'd like to announce it.
Oh, please.

Speaker 1 These two fine gentlemen were on a show called I'm Dying Up Here on Showtime.

Speaker 1 And what I've seen from the show,

Speaker 1 you two were remarkable. You've never watched one episode.
What are you talking about? Yes, I have. Name one episode.
Name anything that happens.

Speaker 1 I'm right now watching, I'm going to correct you, my friend. Okay.
I'm right now watching Secession

Speaker 1 all the way through. Not the show that we're on.

Speaker 1 I understand that, but that's what I'm watching. Okay.

Speaker 1 And I've recently watched I'm Caught Up.

Speaker 1 So first two seasons. They're recent, though.
And I couldn't tell you what episode is what episode. You're talking about on succession.
On secession.

Speaker 1 My point is, is that there's no way I could throw you because that was a couple years ago when I saw this show. You don't remember one scene.
Yes, I do. Okay.
He didn't watch it. It's okay.

Speaker 1 Because I know why I know he didn't watch it. I know.
You know why? Because his jealousy could not let him watch it. All right.
He would just see that and be like, I can act too. I'm dramatic.

Speaker 1 I'm a comic. Why couldn't I be on this? That's true.
You did ask me why you couldn't be on the show. And I said there were no Asian comics back then.
Yeah. That's a fact.
Well, because I auditioned

Speaker 1 stand-up boom. Boom, that's what it is.

Speaker 1 I knew it.

Speaker 1 Fuck you, man. I had to fight for the right to perform as well.
All right, I gotta fight for my stuff. No.
All right. So let me fucking talk right now.
Well, they'll make an Asian version.

Speaker 1 That's what they're doing now. We auditioned that.
I'm a dying upper hero. All right.

Speaker 1 I love how he did. This came out of nowhere.

Speaker 1 I'm dying up a hero.

Speaker 1 So we auditioned. Jimo Himo Delighter.

Speaker 1 So we auditioned for the same night. I remember Jim Carrey was there.
Yeah. We're in the audience.
When he was at the store, you're talking about. Yeah, when he was at the store.

Speaker 1 And in my head, I'm like, honestly, I was like, this is my chance. Really? Yeah, to get into the.
Did you rip that night? I ripped. You ripped.

Speaker 1 Okay, first of all, and I think I said this here, but like, you know, that night I was furious. Why? Adam comes up to me and says, hey, Eric, Jim Carrey's here.
You know what I said to him?

Speaker 1 Is he bumping me? Oh,

Speaker 1 I was so mad.

Speaker 1 I was like, this motherfucker got $300 million and he coming to these at the club, bumping people. I need this Tuesday 15th.
Yeah, this is my time. And I was pacing.

Speaker 1 I went up on stage and that's why I killed. Because I was so mad.

Speaker 1 That's funny. You did that one time.
And then they told me later, like, you know, his whole production cruise here. And I was like, oh, shit.
Yeah, and that Michael was in them.

Speaker 1 So when you guys actually was doing it, there was jealousy.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah, because weren't you doing love at the same time?

Speaker 1 Yeah. He's like a kid.
Can I explain, Bobby? Bobby's like a kid that has a hundred toys in front of him, right? Yeah. And then kids come over and they pick up the shittiest toy and he goes like this.

Speaker 1 That's mine. It's my favorite toy.
Favorite one. Yeah.
It's mine. Are you out of your fucking mind? You don't think that's what I'm fucking doing right now? Yes.

Speaker 1 I'm being vulnerable and being honest and I'm telling you that I felt a little jealous. I was happy for you guys.
No, you weren't. You weren't.
Yes, I was.

Speaker 1 In what regard were you happy?

Speaker 1 In every regard. You don't.
Yes, I do. In every regard.
Let me say something. Just watch the show.
All right. Don't do this.
This is your homework. Don't do this.
This is a big one. Right?

Speaker 1 Because there's other things I want to watch. All right.
But I want to say this right now for the record. Yeah.
Okay. I like it.
You look good doing it. Yeah.
I don't.

Speaker 1 I'm going to do it again.

Speaker 1 Don't.

Speaker 1 This is great. Anytime.
Ha! Pull.

Speaker 1 Anyway. I'm going to get you.
For the record.

Speaker 1 For the record, man. Sorry.

Speaker 1 Does it feel good that it's on me now? Man, it feels real good, right?

Speaker 1 For the record, okay?

Speaker 1 And this is going to sound so pretentious coming out of my mouth.

Speaker 1 Here we go, guys. This is so pretentious and gross.
Can't wait. Can't wait.
But I don't hang out with.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. I don't hang out with anybody who's not the top of the comedy.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're saying we're lucky to be in your presence. No, that's what I'm saying.
I'm just saying. I'm going to feel it.
That's not what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 What I'm saying is I'm blessed to around you guys because you guys are the top of your fields, right? And I get to learn. Did you have therapy today? No.
Where is this coming from?

Speaker 1 No, I have to learn. Honestly, sitting here right now,

Speaker 1 looking at you and seeing you, it inspires me. This is such fun.
It inspires me at every second. And I never really could pinpoint what that feeling was.
I would always have that feeling around you.

Speaker 1 It's one of those feelings where you're on the top of a roller coaster and you're about to fall. You know what I mean? Excitement.
What about me, Bobby? Not you. Not at all.
Never.

Speaker 1 And I'm never going to feel that way about yourself. Don't come.
I'm never going to feel that way about you ever. Right.

Speaker 1 And let me see.

Speaker 1 Let me say something right now. Okay, Cal, you ever interrupt me again, right? You have another thing coming up.
Don't ever fucking do that again. All right?

Speaker 1 All right. I want to fucking, I'm being vulnerable.
Right. He was.
Right. And he fucked me up just now.
All right. You shut the fuck up.
Go ahead. We needed one more season.

Speaker 1 We should have had another season.

Speaker 1 We just needed one more season. No, no, no.
The one more season in. That's all we needed.
One more season. And then we would have been able to get it.

Speaker 1 What was the show that you only got six episodes out of? What was the one that you were on?

Speaker 1 Animal Practice. No, no, no, no.
That wasn't that one, too, though, right?

Speaker 1 That was on the call sheet. It was like monkey.

Speaker 1 He's talking about the Jenna Fisher show. The Jenna Fisher show.
That's the one. Bobby was acting his ass off in that show, though.
Can I tell you something? I watched a couple episodes of that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, me too. And I was actually very happy with what you did on the show.
And can I say this right now? Yeah. I don't live with you, right?

Speaker 1 We don't live together? That's correct. We're friends.
We just see each other every once in a while. We work together, whether or not? Yeah.
People that have lived with me haven't seen anything.

Speaker 1 You got something to say for yourself? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you paying for your own phone bill yet? I'm just curious. No.
Okay. Who's paying for that?

Speaker 1 You.

Speaker 1 How much is it a month? I don't even know. Because it could be a million dollars.

Speaker 1 I would fucking pay it. Why don't you watch Bobby's stuff is what we're curious about.

Speaker 2 I've seen the first episode of Splitting Up Together.

Speaker 1 All right. Have you seen any mad TV episodes?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 1 What's Splitting Up Together? That was the show.

Speaker 1 Oh, that was what it was called? Yeah. Oh, I forgot the name of that show.
I saw it when you played Connie Cliff. But you know what, though, Calista?

Speaker 1 I saw it when you played it. Fuck you, man.
Fuck you. That was good.

Speaker 1 In Bobby's defense, though, I don't always like watching stuff with people that we know. No, it's true.
You know, I watched one episode of Whitney and almost blew my head off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you don't like sitcoms anyway. Exactly.
But it was like, but even Undatable, and that's another one that I just like. But a cable show.
If your friend was on a cable show, you'd watch it.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Yeah, a cable show.
Or a single cam. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because the first time I actually started talking to you was you were on that. I liked Mixology.
Yeah. You know,

Speaker 1 I read for.

Speaker 1 He did read for that. That was very funny.
They actually asked me if I knew you. But could I tell you why it? Did you shit on him?

Speaker 1 They literally were like, do you know me? No, I didn't. And I didn't actually read.
I showed up, right?

Speaker 1 And a guy next to me said, you know who else is reading for this? I go, who? And he said, Andersantino. And I left.
It's not true. Yes.
We were not out for the same part.

Speaker 1 Yes, it was for that role. And I left the audition so that you can get it.

Speaker 1 Congratulations. That's the first, but it's so funny he says that because, like, we were, I would always see you in audition rooms, and I'd be like, all the time.

Speaker 1 And if we're going for the same part, I'm like, they don't know what they want. We did it often.
Me, him, Ian Edwards one time, me, him, and Ian Edwards in the same fucking part.

Speaker 1 Because they don't know. What's one thing we have in common?

Speaker 1 Comedy. Guy guys, comedy guys.
Yeah. They wanted nothing else.
Yeah. But we looked at each other like, well, this character doesn't really.
Yeah, yeah, they don't know what they want.

Speaker 1 So when I, so when we are in the I'm Dying Up here

Speaker 1 test, yeah, and I see you, and then I know I'm not going for the same role, that's when I was like, ah, this is great. We were mean.
We knew we had it.

Speaker 1 There was two other people in the room, and we knew we had it. They were so nervous.
Yeah, because they probably weren't comedians, right? No, they were actors. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they were both

Speaker 1 highly regarded New York theater actors. Yeah, because if I was in the lobby and I was a theater actor and it was for a stand-up and I saw Enie Wendler, you guys come in.
Yeah, I'd leave.

Speaker 1 I would probably leave. See, I would leave.

Speaker 1 It's the same if it was the opposite.

Speaker 1 If I'm trying to break into a category like Broadway or something that I don't, and I see one of the best, and if I'm out, I'm not going to go up against that shit.

Speaker 1 Dude, when I'm on this other show in New York, and I talked to there's a guy that I work with that's a Broadway actor. So much TMZ on you, by the way.

Speaker 1 I see fucking videos every day of you with Sarah Jessica Parker. It's getting old.
Yeah. Some people tag me in it all the fucking time.
I'm sick of it. It looks like a fetish.

Speaker 1 But I'm not sure who has the fetish, her or you.

Speaker 1 That's a good one.

Speaker 1 That's a really good one. What did you say, Doc? Oh, Sarah Jessica Parker.
I was asking her. Sarah Jessica Parker from Six Inno City?

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Doc's like a weird 411 operator.

Speaker 1 From a different country. In another country.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We're not even in the same state.

Speaker 1 This is what Google used to be. That's what I represent.
I represent Italy and all the people that are not. No, that's not.
That's Ask Jeeves. That's not good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I look like a Jeeves, too. You know, it gives you because it gives you the wrong answers.

Speaker 1 Stupid. Yeah.
No, but I just...

Speaker 1 It's something weird about.

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's like when you know people, it's like, it's rare that

Speaker 1 when you see your friend doing something,

Speaker 1 unless it's something that they really transform, sometimes it's hard to like. Or if it's their personal show, if they made the show.
That's what's hard. I don't like looking at that.

Speaker 1 You know, you go, ah, this is just people I know. And it's kind of weird.
But then, like, you know, Mark Marin,

Speaker 1 I like seeing him. You know, on, on, on like he's on things.
Glow. Yeah, glow.
He was even the joker. The joker was.
He was great. Yeah.

Speaker 1 he's playing this guy, and you just go, but part of that is you just go, ah, look at him. Because it's Mark.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, when it comes to his success, I tell this to them all the time. When a guy like that succeeds, I'm 100% so supportive because he went through hell.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, he's been around for so fucking long. And it's like a lot of these guys, you look at some of these guys, they never got their due.
He's gotten his due for a long time now.

Speaker 1 I know, but he's one of the lucky ones. You look at other guys that just never get it.
From his generation. From his generation.
Yeah, I guess.

Speaker 1 It's like.

Speaker 1 most of those guys quit they're not around anymore oh they went into something else a lot of people people directors writers directing producing that kind of stuff yeah they got smart yeah they got the out of standards yeah no yeah because as a doorman i saw back in the 90s when i was a doorman at the store guys we don't even we never see anymore but it's like what do these people do yeah think of the people that you went to do but you were doing open mics with i think about this all the time man i just go hey what happened to this guy what happened to that guy you ever try to find him on facebook or something oh man because then they're gonna be you know I just, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I mean, it didn't work out. Because what would you say? Yeah, what would I even say? Hey, I'm killing it.
What are you doing?

Speaker 1 He's like, oh, I'm an investor in a food truck. Only person I would ever, hold on, I don't know.
You ever want to run into your ex, like an ex-ex that like did you wrong?

Speaker 1 While you're doing well, yeah, you're doing well. Yeah, I mean, that's

Speaker 1 that's what we're doing here. That's true.
That's this whole thing.

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You think that's what this is? That's what this is.

Speaker 1 Some sort of pain that we experience younger and we're just trying to get back at something.

Speaker 1 The reason we do comedy? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's one of two things. I think you're either very smart.

Speaker 1 and you understand communication in people very well and you're able to communicate normal things in a very unique way and people can't get it. That's the foundation anyway, though.

Speaker 1 I don't think this, I think that's they all have that.

Speaker 1 She can hear it, or

Speaker 1 you're an idiot

Speaker 1 and you know nothing else. Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's it. Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 I think that's more me.

Speaker 1 No, no, yeah, yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know much. I think

Speaker 1 I will say about Bobby is like, Bobby is like

Speaker 1 idiot savant. If you had to define whatever funny is,

Speaker 1 just Bobby being himself is hilarious. That's correct.

Speaker 1 yeah like you yourself are funnier than the things you do on stage and and you're funny on stage wow that's a burn that's a burn in a weird way yeah that's uh

Speaker 1 that hurts so bad like your skill level right doesn't represent itself no on stage no no no that's not but when you're just in your bathroom

Speaker 1 right walking around right

Speaker 1 you're fucking funny

Speaker 1 but what he just did hurts so bad no you just said that you don't have the skill to fucking do it.

Speaker 1 I followed it up with, and you're really funny on stage.

Speaker 1 He did. He did.
It's like asking, you know, back in the

Speaker 1 Barnum and Bailey. Like Barnum and Bailey, right back in the day, right?

Speaker 1 And you saw the hairy face boy, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it's like, he was born that way. He has no skill.
That's what you're saying. No.
Then I'm like a freakish guy who wants

Speaker 1 to be with an extra arm on my head. If you're saying, look at me, laugh, laugh.
You know what? It's equivalent in a sense that not everybody's born with a hairy face, so not everybody's born with

Speaker 1 the funny. No, you're more like the hairy faced boy that can also juggle.
There's a couple of hairy faced boys that totally

Speaker 1 got like a skill, extra skill. You know,

Speaker 1 you're the hairy faced boy, but you know, they can't all climb a tree. He can climb a fucking tree.
That's why

Speaker 1 he gets paid the extra money because they're like, you know, the hairy faced kid? It's like, yeah, those poor people.

Speaker 1 By the way, I want to reiterate this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I know it sounds like a burn, and we burn each other. That's what we do.

Speaker 1 100.

Speaker 1 You are so funny. Okay.
I don't need to. No, no, no, no, fuck you.
Just let him finish. No, no, I'm telling you.

Speaker 1 There's something about you, and this is why this podcast is so successful. It's why, like, you know, you're just, there's something that, like, you have that thing, man.

Speaker 1 That's the essence of what funny is. You're special.
That's the best.

Speaker 1 That's the best compliment I could ever fucking. Not do me.
You're special, hobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you know how

Speaker 1 sometimes people are like mean,

Speaker 1 and then you have funny, mean.

Speaker 1 Yeah, funny, mean. Funny, mean.
Yeah, funny, mean. Yeah.
Still mean, though, nonetheless. Yes, mean.
Okay, but it's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's working.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's working. All right, let's go to Doc.

Speaker 1 Ooh. Okay, so if you have like.

Speaker 1 Did you see him park?

Speaker 1 Remember Tom Cruise? Tom Cruise was in Rain Man? Okay. You're the other guy.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 You want to count?

Speaker 1 What? I'm right there with Tom, though, right? Oh, that guy's good. See, that's the perspective.

Speaker 1 Good perspective. Yes, he is Rain Man, but he's also next to Tom Cruise.
Yeah, you're next to him, yeah, for sure. But he doesn't know because he's Rainman.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you don't know that you're next to him.

Speaker 1 No, honesty.

Speaker 1 Who's Rudy? What do you mean? Who's Rudy? Rudy's Rudy. No, who is she in this world that we're speaking about? I have no idea.
She's.

Speaker 1 What's her kind of funny? Honesty. It's like an alien.
No, it's this.

Speaker 1 It's an alien spacecraft.

Speaker 1 They're like zipping by our solar system.

Speaker 1 Right? And they're like, hold up. We don't have to be

Speaker 1 to Ontarion.

Speaker 1 It's made up of fucking

Speaker 1 planet. That's a planet.
We don't have to be the Ontarion. Have you played that improvement?

Speaker 1 Great club. Yeah, Ontarion, if you just go to space, you go east.
Who books that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where you'll find it.
Oh, yeah. Right.

Speaker 1 And it's like, we don't have to be to Ontarion until like next week. I heard about this planet called Earth.
Oh, yeah, let's capture one.

Speaker 1 And they capture her. They go to the Philippines, right? And they see her, no shoes.
Yep. You know what I mean? Is there highlights?

Speaker 1 Digging a ditch or something, right? And they discover her and they bring her to another planetary showcase. Right.
And that's what she is for this. That's interesting.

Speaker 1 You know why I went through all that? None of it makes any sense what I just said. No, I don't.
Have you ever felt like you might have been abducted or anything like that?

Speaker 1 Have you ever had a supernatural experience with a UFO? No. Anything at all? Nothing.
This is your chance to make something up.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what? That's kind of spooky that she went from like nothing to like, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what we're going to make? She's very Mark Zuckerberg. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Dude. Did you see that clip of Mark Zuckerberg was like, similarly? He's like, well, that's because you're human and I was human.
Or I am human. Have you seen that?

Speaker 1 And everyone in the crowd is like, what? And he goes,

Speaker 1 have you seen this shit? Oh my God. Look at this Mark Zuckerberg.
I am, I was human, I am human.

Speaker 1 Because Rudy sometimes shows signs of not being from here.

Speaker 4 But it is going to bother you because you're human, and I was human. I am human.
But I was just referring to myself in the past.

Speaker 1 Not that I was not human,

Speaker 4 but it is going to bother you.

Speaker 1 Now play it again. Let me hear.
Look at how fast he skips.

Speaker 4 Bother you because you're human. And I was human.
I am human. But I was just referring to myself in the past.

Speaker 1 Tell me that's not a little strange.

Speaker 1 You know what really bugs me, though? For real, tell me that's not strange.

Speaker 1 All these people who are like super successful, super rich, super, like, it's as if they got to be weird like this. They all have to be weird.

Speaker 1 There's got to be something kind of quirky or something. No, are we scrutinizing them?

Speaker 1 Are we scrutinizing them, though? Like, we're so fucked. Wow, what's so funny? Did I say the word wrong?

Speaker 1 No, give me an example of how you're supposed to say that word. Are we scrutinizing them? Is that what you said? Yeah.
Are we focused in the details of it? Of course.

Speaker 1 If I see an Andrew Santino interview, I don't know if I'm wrong.

Speaker 1 I don't observe all those things. But I'm also not a lizard.
I'm not rich.

Speaker 1 Are we observing? Is that what it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because we want to find that.
We're trying to defend the fucking guy.

Speaker 1 No, we'd like to think that you want to think that whatever normal is or like whatever, you know, you would think that can that person like that end up being like, you know, a 50 billionaire?

Speaker 1 Dude, I would do weird shit. If I was a billionaire, I would do weird shit during the interview.
I pray to God you don't become a billionaire. I'd just be like, I don't know if he could get there.

Speaker 1 And they'd be like, what the fuck was that? Doing all kind of dumb shit before he got to that. That's true.
You'd never get there. You'd keep fucking it up.

Speaker 1 You could become a hundred millionaire, maybe.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? I don't think he can get to a billion. I think you'd fuck it up.

Speaker 1 What's so funny, man? I just.

Speaker 1 Is that a real statement? You'd fuck it up.

Speaker 1 If I got to 800 million, you think that I couldn't get to a billion? For some reason, no.

Speaker 1 What do you think I would do? I don't know. You'd find a way to fuck it up.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 you know how he plays those games and he spends so much money on them? He would actually build the Sim City.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? He would have construction crews going like, Mo, move this over here. It would be like, oh, thing.

Speaker 1 That sounds like $1.5 million. See?

Speaker 1 This is what we're talking about.

Speaker 1 That's not a lot. You've always calculated.

Speaker 1 That processing in your head is what we're talking about. $1.5 million for that room.
So what else? Because I'm going to get a lot of money. Like, Bob, I have $800 million.

Speaker 1 If you had $800,000, you'd be the kind of guy that you'd buy a private jet, take it to a place. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just want a new one. Yeah, and then you'd leave it.
You would do that. No, I would take a bite.
And you'd get a monitor in the Xbox.

Speaker 1 A new one. A new one.
No, I wouldn't. They'd take a private jet and go, can you turn this into a bed? Right? So they would cut it out.
You know what I mean? Gut it out. Right.

Speaker 1 And I would use that as my bed. And they're like, Mr.
Lee, we do need to get back to the United States at some point.

Speaker 1 Buy a new plane. You just buy a new plane.

Speaker 1 He is right, though. You know how Michael Jordan used to say he would leave, he would wear a pair of shoes and a new pair of socks every game.
He never wore the shoe twice.

Speaker 1 You're that guy. You would do that with everything.
You would do that with Xboxes. You'd bring them, or you'd have someone buy a bunch, you'd leave them everywhere all the time.

Speaker 1 Your budgets would be like 50 grand a day on bullshit. Yeah.
Because knowing you, you would just be like, well, I don't fucking I can just buy more. What was that movie?

Speaker 1 Isn't there a movie where somebody inherits a bunch of money? Brewster's Willie Millions. That's the movie.
And then Richard Pryor. No, but Richard was a remake.
That's the remake. Right.

Speaker 1 Richard Pryor was the remake. Yes.
Yeah. The original was not with Richard Pryor.
It was like he was higher.

Speaker 1 He inherited a bunch of money. And the thing was,

Speaker 1 if you could spend $30 million in 30 days, you'll inherit $300 million. Yeah.
That's what it was.

Speaker 1 Which I could do easily. Easily.
I'd like to highly recommend a movie called... But you couldn't make any money on it, though.
Can I recommend a movie?

Speaker 1 T-Tan.

Speaker 1 T-Tan. T-Tane.
T-Tane. T-Tan? T-Tane.
Have you seen it? Spell it. T-I-T-A-N-E.

Speaker 1 T-Tane. It is.
Can you use it in a sentence? Yeah, I have a T-Tain in my team. Oh, that's a T-Tain right there.
I thought you were the movie.

Speaker 1 Just write movie T-Tain. I thought your T-Tain was that space between your balls.
Your balls and your asshole. That's your taint.
That's your T-Tane. Oh, this is good.

Speaker 1 This movie right here, dude, is the most fucked up movie I've ever seen in my life. Judging on that photo of

Speaker 1 More Than Old Boy? Oh, yeah. This is fucked up, bro.
This is so fucked up. Look at the woman in the Vice Hit grip.
Look at that.

Speaker 1 I had to pause this movie every five minutes, my Kalila and I, and we had to walk away from it. Oof, I hate that kind of thing.
See, I don't want to watch that shit.

Speaker 1 Did you see that Jake Gyllenha movie on Netflix where he's a cop? No.

Speaker 1 Dude, it is so disturbing for no reason. Right.

Speaker 1 What's it called?

Speaker 1 The guilty. What's in it? The guilty.
Well, he's like a 911 operator, but he is a cop that did something bad, and that's why he's 911 operator right now. And then some shit happens on this 911 call.

Speaker 1 And it's just like the whole, how the whole thing plays out. You like no one.
Right. You know what I mean? You like no one.

Speaker 1 Don't watch that movie though. Is there a

Speaker 1 hero you hate? You hate everyone in that movie. Really? Yeah.
But you somehow want to see it unfold.

Speaker 1 All right, so look, we had video submissions

Speaker 1 for I want I want a little bit of black magic, and uh, let's play, let's see some of the people that are in the mood for Doc. Are they asking

Speaker 1 a little black magic or it's a double entendre? A little black magic, Kelsey.

Speaker 3 Good morning. It is 9:10 a.m.
Ignore the messy room in the background. Um, and I want a little black magic in my life.

Speaker 5 You see, I've been seeing this guy and I bought tickets to go to this comedy show on December 4th at the Balboa Theater in San Diego.

Speaker 3 It's my show.

Speaker 5 And he said he was down to go, but he's just not that into comedy. But it turns out I'm just not that into him.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 So I need a date for the show.

Speaker 1 Okay, bye.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Doc.
You're... Yo.
You got to take this girl to come see me live. You also get to see me do an hour, which is great.
Is she using that guy?

Speaker 1 I get to. Was she using that fucking guy that she was? No, dude, she's seeing a guy.
She's a fan. She wants to come see me do stand-up.
I'm supposed to just get in the middle of a love triangle.

Speaker 1 She's going to break up with him first. Jesus Christ.
I can't kill you, Bobby. She can break up with him first, and then you can go on the fucking date.
I didn't give a fuck. Oh, man, you just.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. Doc, you see this girl? Yeah, she's cute.
Very cute. Okay, so she wants a date.
She was smoking weed or was that a cigarette? She was smoking weed. What does it matter?

Speaker 1 She's on weed or anything. Hey, dog.
Because you have a vagina. Not a cigarette, but a little weed.
Okay, I feel you.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I think you should have a little bit higher standard than that. A little bit? Oh, my bad.
Do you?

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. Doc.
Yeah. She seems like a down-ass bitch.
She smokes. She's chill.
And she's willing to leave this dude who dorked out on her and doesn't want to come to the show for you.

Speaker 1 All you have to do is go down there, and that's a free date. That's what it sounds like.
She's trying to get a freebie out of me, too. Just because she's a titanium.
No, she has a ticket.

Speaker 1 She has tickets already, man. Oh, she had a ticket.
Because I'm using you to get into the fucking show. You're going to have to pay.
You're not going to let me put you on the list. I'm not.

Speaker 1 I am definitely going to make you pay. You're going to be paying.
You will be paying. I'm not going out with some chick that's just willing to just throw a dude to the side like that.

Speaker 1 That's right there.

Speaker 1 This is fucking. That's just evil.

Speaker 1 What did you say, fans? Doug promised his mom never to be in a loft triangle again. Oh, that's what that's right.
All right. Is that what it is? Yeah, you got to stick to your principles, bro.

Speaker 1 All right. Okay, so let me clarify this.

Speaker 1 For the fans, and including what this young woman's name is, I forgot. What did it say? What was it?

Speaker 1 Kelsey. Okay, so you're telling Kelsey you just want to end the race because you think you don't want to be a part of her breaking up with a guy to be with you, to hang with you? Yeah.
Just to hang.

Speaker 1 Well, she can hang.

Speaker 1 You're coming regardless. He's coming.

Speaker 1 You don't have a fucking choice. Do you have a problem with her race? No.
That's what it is. I think it's a racial thing.
No, no, no, no, no, no. No, you're racist.
Yeah, you're racist. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Y'all made up. That ain't got nothing to do with me.
What is it then?

Speaker 1 Like I said, she fucking says she'll dump this dude for me. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 She's not going to date. She doesn't want to dump him.
Slow down over there, Romeo. She didn't say all that.
Oh, I thought she wanted to get the dragon.

Speaker 1 She just don't want to be alone at this concert.

Speaker 1 No, she did say, she does say, I'm not into him. So I think the relationship's over.
But yeah, he doesn't like comedy. She's a big comedy fan.
You're a fucking comedian. This is perfect.
Perfect.

Speaker 1 Is it? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 She's also loaded. Yeah, she's rich.
right? Which is good. Oh, I thought you were saying high.
But she has two tickets. No, she's high.
It was what I meant. Oh, I thought you meant rich.

Speaker 1 No, she's high. She's high.
Which is a good thing. She could be rich, too.
Yeah. Because if she was sober, she wouldn't have

Speaker 1 made the video.

Speaker 1 There would be no video. Let me tell you something.
Okay. I like this for you, and I know you may not want to do this, but you're doing it.
You're doing it.

Speaker 1 For whatever y'all want, man. And you have to be nice, and we'll give you cash.
Why wouldn't I be nice to her? Why are we not? We don't even have to go. I'm not going to go on a date.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, Bobby, don't. What is this? 10 Things I Hate About You Now? Yeah, he doesn't have to do ballet or anything like that, is he? No, he's got.

Speaker 1 Yeah. We'll give you cash.
We'll get mad at the parking guy.

Speaker 1 We'll give you some cash to take her on on a nice date. That'll be all good.
You know what we should do? You parked the car. Get out of your parking lot.
This is it. I'm calling it right now.

Speaker 1 We're setting up.

Speaker 1 You're coming to San Diego. Okay.

Speaker 1 We are setting up a nice dinner spot for you before the show. Bobby and I will pay for a very nice steak dinner.
Are you going to get a guest set on the show?

Speaker 1 I don't think there's room.

Speaker 1 That's rude. No, you're being rude right now, Daniel.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's one show.

Speaker 1 You're being so rude.

Speaker 1 Let me ask if there's room. I want to let everyone know.

Speaker 1 I want to let everyone know.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Andrew, who are you going to ask? I have a team.

Speaker 1 My time team. I have a time team.

Speaker 1 Because she likes comedy. He should get the guest set.
That'll really close the deal. I also have a question.
How about this? You can get a fucking, you get the guest spot. You have to do the dinner.

Speaker 1 You have to take her on the date. Yeah, let's go.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So, if he gets a guest spot, I don't get one. That's right.
If Doc's in, you're out. That's how it goes.
Can't have two.

Speaker 1 So, anyone that bought a ticket for his San Diego date, right, could have gotten me and Doc on the same lineup.

Speaker 1 And you're not going to do it.

Speaker 1 How about this? We'll see. I'm not coming.

Speaker 1 When is the date? When is it?

Speaker 1 December 4th. Why would I drive down there for that?

Speaker 1 We'll leave it up. We'll leave it up to the universe.
To the fans. We'll leave it up to the fans.
All right, fans, if you're from San Diego, you bought a ticket to Andrew's show. You know what?

Speaker 1 I'm going to be at La Jolla that weekend. Oh, you can come up with a show.
Oh, you're competing, taking numbers away from each other. I love that.
It's a different area. I'm good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Wow, come on. La Jolloya's going to be CK.

Speaker 1 Relax. What is that? What was that? Wow.
Don't do that, Ken Jong. Don't do that to me.
Oh, really? Yeah, let's bring up the photo. Why don't you post every fucking photo with that guy? He's the best.

Speaker 1 I love him so much. We talked about you today.
What show? Was Dave? He's on Davey. I'm not shooting Dave.
Was he on This Is Up? We've talked about this. This is Up or whatever that is.
No.

Speaker 1 What's it called? I did a scene in a movie with Charlie Day. For Charlie Day.
Charlie Day has been. I saw Charlie Day.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And CK is in it. No, he just throws that at me.

Speaker 1 He just said that.

Speaker 1 Anyway. But look at that.
Me and one of my best Korean friends of all time.

Speaker 1 Now, that's a podcast you want to watch.

Speaker 1 Do one with him.

Speaker 1 You're such a baby. Try Try it.
You know what you mean? I want you to try. You know what you should, what would be hilarious? Is if you

Speaker 1 just filmed a fake episode of Sunday just to fuck with him, he would be aware of it. We talked about it.

Speaker 1 He's too busy. He's so fucking funny.
All right, let's move on.

Speaker 1 Let me get my fucking two cents in.

Speaker 1 All right. You know what, dude? I sigh like that when I listen to you talk as well.
I know.

Speaker 1 You did it a few times on the show today already. So, you know, that doesn't hurt my feelings.
I didn't do it to hurt your feelings. I'm emotional.
I'm getting angry about?

Speaker 1 I'm talking to you like a civilized human being here, baby. We also should all go out that night.
Yeah. No, we know, let's go out to a big dinner.
How about this?

Speaker 1 We go to a nice dinner, and Doc is there on a date, and we can watch him on the date.

Speaker 1 Can we get like, you know, earbuds, earwigs, earwigs, where he was,

Speaker 1 hold on, hold on. You're coming.
Oh, hold on. I might not be able to come.
No, we already checked the schedule because Kalila's gone to Hawaii.

Speaker 1 Fuck. You're here the whole time.

Speaker 1 Damn it. You're coming.
I'm there. December 4th.
You got to come. Let him show the rest of the email.
There's emails now. We don't have video.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 My name is Allie. Chelsea, we're going to have to take a pause.
We're like, why do you just fart it? Okay, you know, hold on, hold on. So I want to hear Rudy read it as her voice because it's a girl.

Speaker 1 I don't want to read a girl's voice. I don't want to do it wrong.
Get closer. Go ahead, Rude.
Get real close to the mic. Like, try to be like a girl, like a sexy girl.
Go ahead. Try to be her.

Speaker 1 Try to be her. Try to be her name is Allie.
Try to be Allie.

Speaker 1 My name is Allie.

Speaker 2 I am 31-year-old barber in Sacramento, California.

Speaker 1 She's so strong. Yeah, she's wasted.
Is she on pills?

Speaker 2 I want a little black magic in my life because I think Doc is the perfect size to walk on my back after a long day in the shop.

Speaker 2 His fade would always be sharp with me.

Speaker 1 Holla should fade you out, baby.

Speaker 2 And I have strong stems to carry him when his little legs get tired.

Speaker 1 Lots of perks here.

Speaker 1 What do you think, man?

Speaker 1 Yo, if you fuck this up, man, no, stay on the photo. Oh, yeah, stay on the photo.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's very good looking.

Speaker 1 But hey, hey, hey, look at me.

Speaker 1 You're welcome, Doc. Yeah, dude.
I mean, fucking, not even a thank you.

Speaker 1 Don't even thank him. Who's the one? I don't even think that's the one.
Don't even thank him.

Speaker 1 Who's the one that called you to be even on this in the first place? I'm talking about this right now. No, I'm talking about him even being here in this situation.
Who do you fucking thank the most?

Speaker 1 Thank this whole situation? It'll be you. Thank you.
Oh, my God. Just do the photo.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Next photo.
No,

Speaker 1 I want him to assess that situation. Yeah, go to the first photo.
God damn it.

Speaker 1 Can he talk about that? Is that the same girl? Yeah. Oh.
Oh, let's see. Oh, yeah, this other photo.
That's the same girl. Yeah.
All right, scroll down. Let's go down.

Speaker 1 Very bright. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Beautiful blue eyes. Look at those eyes, dude.
Beautiful. Look at that.
I don't want you to have her. Yeah, me neither.
Don't you? You want to save some purity.

Speaker 1 Look at that little hole in her lip is where Doc's penis could go.

Speaker 1 That's right. That's right.

Speaker 1 She don't even have to move around.

Speaker 1 All right, scroll down to the next picture of this beautiful girl. Yeah.
This girl's a fucking babe. And she cuts hair, and she said she'll fade you out, and she'll fucking line you up all the time.

Speaker 1 And Carrie. You know, I used to cut hair, too.
I cut my own hair.

Speaker 1 Don't put that out in the universe. I'm feeling it.
You don't feel that? Everyone, be quiet. Be quiet.
Let him have this. Be quiet.
That's the energy of the cosmos. Let him talk.

Speaker 1 That's the energy of the cosmos right there.

Speaker 1 Say that again? The energy of the cosmos. No but your hair? I cut my own hair.

Speaker 1 See, that's the, you know what I'm saying? Like, that's

Speaker 1 the problem.

Speaker 1 We know. Universe is like integrated.
We're tired of you messing this up.

Speaker 1 Universe is like, my hair is what we're doing. Is that what we're doing?

Speaker 1 Is there more photos?

Speaker 1 Wow. She's so pretty.
She's very pretty. All right.
So here's another girl. He's pretty too now.
Let's not. Here's another girl.
Oh, this is mine.

Speaker 1 Can I? Hi.

Speaker 1 Hi, bad friends team. I would like to submit myself as a potential suitor for Doc Silverman.

Speaker 1 Who the fuck is Doc Silverman? Dude, remember Silverman? Oh, that's right. Silverman on the street? That's Doc Silverman.
I'm 24 years old. That's funny.
I'm 5'3 ⁇ . She's too tall.

Speaker 1 She's too tall, right? Yeah, she's too tall. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
5'3, she'll tower over me.

Speaker 1 That's what we're doing. Yes, so

Speaker 1 she could post you up at 5'3.

Speaker 1 I live in Dallas, Texas, but I have a grandmother that lives in LA, and I'll be visiting for a month

Speaker 1 during Christmas.

Speaker 1 I'm open to love anyone, whether that person is black or white, small or big, or autistic or not. Wow, that needs to be in there.
Wow. That really needs to.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Also, I've included a photo that I wanted to show you, and I'm not catfishing you with old pictures, but my Instagram is, what is that? Your girl,

Speaker 1 your girl,

Speaker 1 your girl

Speaker 1 Knickknack. Your girl Knickknack.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Look at her.

Speaker 1 An all-American white woman. Not bad.
Cheerleading, apple pie. 5'3?

Speaker 1 5'3. Look at this girl.
She loves you. She wants you.
What would your ancestors say right now?

Speaker 1 I need some meat. A little bit of that.
She's too skinny. She's too skinny.

Speaker 1 I think she's very pretty. She's 24.
It's too young.

Speaker 1 I can't even do what this fucking thing is. It's like we're trying our fucking best.
Hey, man, I hate it. You scroll down.

Speaker 1 All right, is that it?

Speaker 1 That's her 10 minutes. That's her to the right.
That's how cute she is. She's so cute.
Look at her stupid dude. She's so pretty.
And she's smart.

Speaker 1 Cyber

Speaker 1 with the security. When was it? I can't wait to hear that on the date.
Cyber scout. Yeah, Matt Herbert.
You do Saba Skipper Scout?

Speaker 1 You saw a Skipa Scout in your way across the internet. Cybersecurity.
That's the hate. Cybersecurity.
She owned it. All right, next photo.
Is that it? Hey, you do cybersecurity.

Speaker 1 I used to do mall security. We got something in common.

Speaker 1 From a land far, far away, there lived a girl listening to every episode of Bad Friends only because of Doc. Only because of Doc?

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. India.

Speaker 1 Love you. That's what I'm talking about.
He goes, oh, India. I love you.
Love you. That's what I'm talking about.
Not to dishonor you guys.

Speaker 1 I love you too, but this little brown girl from India hoping for a little, huge black pole. Wow.
Reasons I should be the one. Once you try brown, there's no going back.

Speaker 1 That's not a phrase, and it doesn't rhyme. Love India, red balloon.
P.S. Read this out loud on your next episode.
I'm a medical student from India. You guys keep me happy.
Zoom into the photo.

Speaker 1 If you can change huge standard, then we'd be good. There we go.
Look at her. Okay.
Feeling that. Feeling that? Like the eyebrows, no filter on the face.
Fly her out here. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Joe. All right.
Coming at you from Melbourne Victoria. Is there no picture? No picture? Move on.
Move on. Yeah, yeah.
We don't do no picture of Victoria.

Speaker 1 That's a straight buddy. Several people have hit me up from Melbourne.
Okay, well, whatever. Oh, there is a picture with Jess.
This is Jess's photos. Okay.
Dude, you're getting fucking babes.

Speaker 1 Dude, this is so annoying that Doc is getting all these fucking chicks submitting for him. This ain't new.

Speaker 1 Oh, bro.

Speaker 1 We don't know that.

Speaker 1 They felt that. They felt that.
They felt it. Both of them cut down.
Oh, my God. Put it on and die.

Speaker 1 It's not old either, dog. It's nothing.
It was nothing.

Speaker 1 It was nothing until now. Well, okay.
Now there's people. So you say.
This one's got a little Allie Wong going on. Yeah, a little Allie Wong.
Can you zoom in on her face, please? Yeah. Wow.
Wow. Doc.

Speaker 1 All right. Let's hear her email.
Yeah. She got the wine, too.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You don't drink. I drink wine.
What do you think is in his thermos?

Speaker 1 A little bit of pinot up in there. All right, here we go.
First of all, thanks for being such a stellar group of peeps. Recently, I went through a sixth lockdown here in Melbourne, Australia.

Speaker 1 And I reckon if I didn't have you dudes to get me through, my depresso would be, it would have been espresso. So thank you.
On to the main subject. DOC.
What a dynamite pocket rocket.

Speaker 1 You're a little vibrator. I have no idea if you'd have any interest in doing long distance, but hey, dating is a weird thing anyway, innit? So perhaps I'll give it a go because who knows?

Speaker 1 I suppose I got to do the whole bit about me, Jargon A. I'm Jess.
I'm 30. I have a sister.
Her name is Patsy.

Speaker 1 She's my life. And I work at a cinema and a bar.
That's a movie theater, Doc. So movies and booze and music is me jam.
I come from a huge family. Dad is one of 10, and we are Burmese.
Ooh, from Burma.

Speaker 1 Do you know where Burma is? I got a picture of a Burmese python with me with a Burmese python around my neck.

Speaker 1 This is going to work out. Yeah, that shit is.
That's amazing.

Speaker 1 Make sure you bring that up. The energy.
The energy with the energy. What's the connection with these women in the universe?

Speaker 1 So she's got that ethnic flair.

Speaker 1 Look at what she reads. It says right there.
She's left-handed. And then what's after that? And I saw the movie Titane.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Is that fucked.

Speaker 1 Is this real? Yeah. Did that just come out? Is that why? Yeah.
Oh, I was like, what the fuck? Whoa, yo. So, After, most recent gig went to JK Group.

Speaker 1 Anyway, been bombarded with a whole bunch of potential, but just chuck this out there. If you're a good doc, you're a good egg, Bobo, fire crutchy.

Speaker 1 Wouldn't be wanting to help you find this love intensity. The fact that you must have a heart of gold.
Best of luck in your journey. Cheers.
Bruh, Jess Matland. What do you think?

Speaker 1 What do you think of her? I think she's nice. Okay, which one goes first then?

Speaker 1 Can we just like hook up with them all and just

Speaker 1 go from there?

Speaker 1 Greedy. Oh, dude, from what he went when he first started on the show to now, it's fucking insane.
All right, give me another one. Give me another one.
Oh, that was the Indian girl. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, so check it out. You've got some potential suitors, Doc.
What are you doing over there? You on your phone? Yeah, I was trying to find the Burmese with me and a picture of the Burmese.

Speaker 1 We were so over that. Man, I was

Speaker 1 still feeling it. I can't tell you how much we don't give a fuck about that.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? There's a level

Speaker 1 that's the truest thing you've ever said. 100%.
I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 I can't tell you

Speaker 1 how much we don't give a fuck about that.

Speaker 1 I get that. But this is about me.
This isn't about you, Eric. This is my time.
Ooh. This is my time.
This is my time, bro. How is it your time? Date.
You had your time.

Speaker 1 I didn't just show up on Document. What are y'all doing a podcast today? I'm having a little glory right here.
Take all my shit away on Black Monday. Let him have a little bit of glory.

Speaker 1 On Black Monday, let him have this.

Speaker 1 It's Black Monday.

Speaker 1 I'm all in McPhilly. All right, so, Doc, you can pick eventually, okay? Eventually, you can pick, but we'd like some sort of an answer soon because.
We like the San Diego girl. San Diego was low.

Speaker 1 San Diego.

Speaker 1 Let's let Eric decide for you then because you're being so fucking evasive. You're going to the show.
You're doing the guest set at Andrew's show,

Speaker 1 minimum 10 minutes. And.

Speaker 1 Because the barbershop girl doesn't live. She lives in Texas, right? Where did she live? Where does she live? She's in Sacramento.
Sacramento.

Speaker 1 Sacramento's not far at all. When are you in Sacramento? I'm not, but I mean, we can pay for her to fly down.
Should we fly? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Should we fly this girl in and have them have them all come to the show and see and like a

Speaker 1 doc dating show and have all these girls? But you have to tape it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No. No, it's not worth it.
You don't want to give it to it? It's not worth it? Nah, it's too much money. For who? But you want to spend it? You're paying for none of it.

Speaker 1 No, you want to spend $1.5 million on

Speaker 1 the Sim City. On the Sim City, yeah.
But you don't want to fly this chicken so Doc can be happy? No.

Speaker 1 All right, so fine. The San Diego girls,

Speaker 1 we're only that's what we got. We got the Dallas.

Speaker 1 Hey, she cool peeps. This girl right here, yeah, yeah.
All right, dude, let's do her. We're linking, no, don't say that.
We're linking it up,

Speaker 1 go out with her. Yeah, we do that.
All right, Doc,

Speaker 1 look in the camera there and uh, sign us out and say, Thanks for being a bad friend on Black Monday. Thanks for being the

Speaker 1 bad friends on Black Monday. Thanks for being a bad friend.
That's the first one. We'll use the first one.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 Good enough.

Speaker 1 I forgot the name of the show. Like, mid-sentence.

Speaker 1 Like, mid-sentence. You have to put a Black Monday in there.

Speaker 1 Also, let's say thank you real fast to our good friend Eric Griffin. Oh, Eric, I love you so much, man.
Thank you so much for being here. Truly.
Also, who does have a great.

Speaker 1 That's where Jules got that from. Yeah, the bullshit.
Yeah, the bullshit tone. You know what I mean? When it gets like, oh, thank it.
You know, now I get it.

Speaker 1 But do yourself a favor and watch Riffin with Griffin. And he's also, you're on

Speaker 1 King of Sting all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No. No, absolutely watch it.
Thank you so much. Because Griffin's one of the fucking greatest comics out.

Speaker 1 We love you. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 6 We some bad friends. Yeah, we some bad friends.

Speaker 6 Surfing the bottom of Turtle Island about to dive down. Then I see Freddy Krueger Rudy with the knives out.
Kalila Big Pimpin' and living while Bobby in the doghouse.

Speaker 6 I heard Santino used to suffer bad acne. I'm trying to be a star like Bobby Lee on Mad TV.

Speaker 6 They call me Plato, so welcome to my academy. Rappers know less about the world than Bobby knows female anatomy.
Yeah, you must be drinking on some whiskey ginger.

Speaker 6 Or you Andrew on Halloween and call me trippy hipster. 52 things in life are certain.
Homie, I was taught right. Morality is objective, and Brian Cowan doesn't box right.