Black Monday w/ Erik Griffin

Hey, bad friends, I'm on the road. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
I'm going to be in San Diego. Then I'm going to be in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
Then I'm going to Arizona, Phoenix. I'll be there for New Year's Eve shows.
And then in the new year, I'm going to be in D.C., Atlanta, Albany, Seattle, Portland. I'm jumping all over the place and there's more dates being added.
Go to andrewsantino.com for tickets. andrewsantino.com for tickets.
Yousantino.com for tickets you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude you two are disgusting you two are something we're bad friends let me say this welcome everybody to uh the black monday dark night this is black monday we don't do black friday we do black monday and black monday oh Fuck it is Black Monday It's Black Monday sale And that's what This is Black Monday. We don't do Black Friday.
We do Black Monday. Is it Black Monday? Oh, fuck it is Black Monday.
It's Black Monday sale. What's up, dog? Do it, bro.
Hey, you feeling good on Black Monday, dog? That's all I'm trying to tell you. How about you, player? Black Monday in the house, dog? I'm bored.
Give me some skin. Let's have some skin.
You want to raise the roof together or what, dog? Security. What's going on? What's going on with you? You come in with such rage and anger.
i get a second i just parked can i get a second you just put me right into the fire go ahead god what is it i want a squid games this fucker so bad right now we talked about which one we would lose that which one do you think you'd lose that that's good game all of them no but would you make it past any of those things i don't know the cookie carving one i think you might be able to do you know what no no no this is how you know you took that the wrong way wow you took that the wrong way dude i've always thought that there was a cookie carving one you're a black you're a clock clock maker like that's how skilled you are with your hands a clock maker yeah you have that vibe you know like a key maker kind of a i't understand why, if the glass thing can hold two people, why didn't they just swing the littlest person, boom, if that one breaks, yeah, boom, if that one breaks, and then now we can all go. Like get their arms and their legs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't know what the game is, right? They knew what that one was.
It said it could hold two people. It did say that.
I know, but under the circumstances and the stress of it, I just don't think. Yeah, you would have been that guy in the front that was like, I'm not going to move.
Yeah, I'm that guy. Yeah, for sure.
Which one am I? I'm the guy. Oh, you're the bastard guy at the end who turned on everybody.
That's for sure you. I'm the one that I would take somebody down with me.
So I'm like that girl who dragged. You're the girl.
He's the the girl for sure The girl that grabs the guy Yeah yeah You're getting fucked in the bathroom Like if I ever If I ever He goes in there for a smoke too He's sneaking away for a smoke Just to get fucked Yeah yeah yeah By the big gangster I think dude I think As a male As me I think I probably would do something like that What fuck a guy because i don't want to die i don't want to die that's the number one thing i'd rather never die right so i think i'd be i'd make decisions based on survival and i think that i would definitely i'll fuck that guy with a tattoo on his neck to get you turning on your friends yeah i would turn you. You just looking out for you? No.
That would be Bobby. Bobby's special would be called turning on your friends and him just looking like this away from the camera.
Yeah. Putting your back out.
You know what I do with the, what's it called? What? The tug of war? Tug of war. I would just tie his whole body to the end of it like an anchor, right? And I would just lay on your stomach.
Wait, hold on a ankle I think that's what I would do And then you'd hear Hold on a second Hold on a second Yeah yeah Hold on a second fatty Oh shit Real talk Please let him know This is the fucking show Real talk Thank you dog parent That's the dog parent over there. You just as fat, okay? Yeah, I know.
I'm just saying what I would do. Would you do that if, like, under the circumstances, I would just be like, Eric, get to the end.
We're going to tie it around your body. You're actually the old guy.
You're actually really the old guy who did all this, and he's going to die in a bed. Oh.
Yeah. Yeah, you're a psycho who planned all this chaos yeah the whole time just to toy with people yeah that's what bobby would do if he got all that money he would just puppeteer chaos like that if he was that rich no i said i if i was in that show i would have died in the van on the way there that's right yeah you didn't say that yeah just from claustrophobia griff where'd you? I texted you.
Where were you? I was in Tampa. I used Griff's phone number to get free Wi-Fi on flights.
Yeah, and I always know, too. I always know.
Wait, wait, wait. Like, I get a text message.
On the go-go flight thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if you're T-Mobile, you get it for free.
Which is no one I know other than Griff. I got T-Mobile.
Oh, is this? What are you talking about size-wise? Okay, so. I think you look good there.
All right, no, no. No, fuck you.
I think you look good. So, no, no, fuck you.
You and I are in a text stream and somebody sent this to us. And it looks good.
And I went directly to the store and I go, delete this photo. Why? You look good.
And they still haven't deleted it. What's wrong with that? I look like I'm dying right then and there.
Yeah. Like everything just imploded in my body.
Yeah. And that's it.
That's the second before. It looks like he took a really hot shit and his butthole was burning.
And he's trying to pull his pants up like, ah, my butthole. You know when a pastry chef is piping out icing out of a bag? Yeah.
You look like an icing bag, 100%. Oh, for sure.
Like there's like mustard in it. No, you know what that photo looks like if i was the boston marathon runner and my bag exploded like prematurely so what the plan of fucking bag right and i'm like so fuck yeah they do this a lot though well i had to they take such bad photos i had to hit them up about.
It was like, dude, you had to pick the worst picture of me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, so it's so funny.
Some of the photographers there do a great job. Pam does, like, they do good jobs.
And then sometimes they'll pick. I'll see the photos.
I'll go, yo, those are dope. And then they'll pick the one that I go like this where I'm going like that.
And they post that. That's because there's a comic working that.
Well, I know who runs the account.

That's why.

So wait, what was up in Tampa?

What'd you do?

Side splitters? Side splitters.

How was it?

It was all right.

Why just all right?

It's just all right, man.

What's a side splitter?

I think a lot of these places like-

You never played Tampa Club?

I played the side-

Well, no, the Houston Club improv used to be in the old side splitters.

You ever see play that club?

Was there a side splitters in Houston? There used to be. You walked in and the lobby was trees.
But not just trees. Like Rainforest Cafe? Exactly.
But they had the trees inside the building. Right.
And on the walls, it's all branches and trees. It looked like a cauldron.
What's a cauldron? No. What is it? You mean a dungeon? No.
it looked like a... What's a cauldron? A cauldron is a witch brew thing.
They would make a cauldron. That looks like a place where they make cauldrons.
You know like double, double, toil and trouble. That's a cauldron.
That's a cauldron? Look, that's a cauldron. We have one at the studio.
It looks like the club used... Fuck it, man.
It just looks like it was a cauldron factory say it was like rainforest cafe

but Houston

it wasn't

it was darker

it was fine though

yeah

anyway let's go back

to side spliters

it was fine

Florida crowds are

I mean look

and they don't have to

do vaccine shit

down there do they

they don't give a fuck

down there

it's wild

yeah

Florida

something happened to me

in Florida

the first thing

the first time

it has

it'll never happen again

what's that

I did a double

before Kalala

you had a threesome

No, I made love to two girls in one night. Before the show, after the show? Both after the show.
It was like this time, you come at this time? I feel like crying just thinking about it. Because you're emotional and you miss it? Could you miss it? It was just a miracle from God, I think.
How did it happen? Okay, so I met a... I don't know if I said...
What does it matter? I met a preacher's daughter. A what? A preacher's daughter? Oh, he's not going to...
You think he listens to this fucking podcast? I don't want her to listen. She was really angry at her father.
Right. You know what I mean? I'll go fuck a fat Asian guy, Dad.
How about that maniacal laugh i hear coming from the other room from andres the best fancy hey hey tits what are you laughing at oh boy here we go he's talking to you uh doc oh oh i'm uh i'm over here just in my phone a little bit. My bad.
I didn't even know.

Y'all was talking about size.

Wait, is Doc here?

Jules is really rubbing off on you, huh?

What?

Is Doc out here doing the cars?

That's what we're doing with the parking cars.

Hit him.

Hit him, Doc.

Hit him back.

Are you the lock, dude?

Hit him back, Doc.

So anyway, so one of the girls was a preacher's daughter. Yeah.

and the other girl was, what happened was

Thank you. Are you the lie, dude? Hit him back, doc.
So anyway, so one of the girls was a preacher's daughter. Yeah.
And the other girl was, what happened was she left my hotel and I met another girl, a college student. You were outside smoking a cigarette and a girl walked by? No.
She had exchanged my, so when I was with the preacher's daughter, I had exchanged my numbers with another girl. She goes, I left my group.

Where are you at?

Where are you at? So I looked at the preacher's daughter.

I go, you got to get out of here because I have to do radio in the morning.

She left.

And then when the elevator reopened, it was the other girl.

Wow.

So it was like one of those nights.

That's magic.

Yeah.

And then a little visine drop came out of my pee pee.

That's all you had in there? That's all I had left in the front. For the second one? For the second one.
No, no, for the first one. The second one.
Well, the poll is, who's more disappointed? Second one, blood came out. What? Who's more disappointed is the poll.
The first girl who got, you know, all of it. There's a lot of protein there, dude.
it's like you know but you guys are you're probably

so excited oh my god you're probably so excited that you just yeah i was excited too pump yeah too pump for sure has that ever happened to you what two girls in one night yes okay sure no you don't want to hear

it was in Indianapolis actually

was it? it was Indianapolis that's good after helium or do you know crackers crackers yeah what's that lady's name? she was a cracker what's that lady's name that owns crackers in Indianapolis I love her god I see her Ann. Ruth, yeah.
She reminds me of the lady that owns the Funny Bone in Nebraska. Omaha? I never did it.
I never did that either. Oh, my God.
You got to play Omaha in Nebraska because the lady that runs a club is like 1960s, like a rock. Like, she loved the Stones, but she still has that energy.
Like, she used to go to shows. She'd pee on somebody like that rocker chick.
Yo. Whoa, what? Have you seen that? You like people play that we have that show me the people yo this chick yeah it's like a it's like a hardcore rock star what doc parental discretion is advised that's why he's here yeah but hey you'll learn about doc doc's greatest got doc's greatest contribution to the show is is burying whatever he's saying underneath whatever someone else is saying.
We'll be talking. He'll just throw it underneath and I'll just stop.
Before we even get to this, the peeing. I love peeing.
No, you have to see this. But can we talk about his tits hat first? Go on.
What? It feels like a guy who doesn't get any girls buying a Ferrari. Oh.
It's what I mean? It's like some weird advertising. What? Like a keychain.
Because if you can buy a Ferrari. You don't wear trucker hats.
Yeah. You don't think I'm projecting good energy? I'm not bringing a pussy.
The kid likes tits. What's wrong with that? Out of the body, you would say the tits is the most important? They're nice.
I know, but is that your favorite thing? I know they're nice. We all love it.
Well, I'm an ass man. Do you think they're nice? I'm an ass man.
Oh, there you go. Why don't you wear an ass hat then? Because then it would be like you're an ass hat.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, that's right.
I'm trying to show I care. You see what I'm saying? It's the whole package.
I just would like to know the reaction of, Jules, you see this. You're in 7-Eleven and a dude walks up and he's got a tits hat on.
Are you immediately like, ooh? What's your first thought? I'm sorry, Doc, but it looks stupid. There we go.
That's America. That's definitely America.
You can take it off, Doc. Take it off.
It was in the studio. Did you write tits on there yourself? No, it was in here.
It was in here. Oh, you just wore a random hat that's in there? Okay.
You know whose hat that is. Oh, yeah.
Pete. That's right.
Pete, when he leaves the house, when he leaves his wife and kids, he's like, I'm going to get my tits hat in the car. Yeah.
And he drives here, and he's just so excited because he can say stuff like that out in public when he's not at home. He does have great tits.
Doesn't Pete have great tits? The best in this studio. They sweat so perfectly.
Proportionally. You know, sometimes when a tit sweats, it's only like in the tip of it.
Do your tits been sweating lately? Oh, yeah, man. Dude, in Mexico, the funniest tit sweat he had when we went out to dinner.
I mean, it was like a little crescent moon right under your little titties. But that's because we bombed? Yeah, that's true.
When I bomb in front of 800 people, I get like crescent moon tit sweat. Oh my god.
If you were there at that show, imagine him on that stage. Oh yeah, because he got big titties.
Hair of titties is fucking... This is why I'm here! This is why I'm here! This is...
Yeah, yeah, because he got big titties. Heard titties as fuck.
Really, Doc? This is why I'm here.

Wow.

This is why I'm here.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Thank you, Doc.

Black on black crime.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I like.

Wow.

Don't let these two do this to you.

This is what they do.

White people have been doing this for years.

I know.

This is great.

This is why Martin Luther King and Malcolm X didn't get along. It was two motherfuckers like this.
Yeah, yeah. Two fuckers.
We're Hoover. Was it Andrew Hoover? Could you imagine I go up to Malcolm X and I'm like, listen, I don't know if you've heard, but you know.
That's how they talk. And my friend Wang over here talking the truth.
Wang, tell him. Yeah, that's exactly right.
Tell him what MLK thinks about him now. So is that what you think we're doing? We're trying to pick you guys.

I'm a minority.

Yeah, not right now.

Not really.

No, you guys are on the way up right now.

I'll feel it.

TV shows, films.

Oh, sure.

You know what I mean?

You're doing too well.

Yeah, yeah.

So he does have big tits.

I'll expand on that.

You know, they supple.

You know what I mean?

Like, they're not.

Doc.

What the fuck you want me to say?

You got tits. Nothing.
That's what I want you to say. I was trying to graduate your tits to a nice level.
Yeah. All right, enough.
I want you to see this video. Okay, let's see this.
Bob, all right. So this chick is...
What's her name? Bilbo Baggins over here. Who are you talking to? Fucking shit.
Dude, who talk... See, when you say stuff like that, he thinks that's him.
I know. That hurt me for a second.
You gotta be careful. You just call me Dildo Baggins What do you call me? Yeah Dildo Baggins She's a rock star lady So I'm gonna imagine I bought tickets to this woman's show I have all her albums I cannot wait I got front row this is great She brings a guy on stage yes by the way by the way mind you context this guy wants this this is not this is not oh my god i can't believe that happened like

when uh it's not nothing about him no this is all about her yeah let's see let's see check this out

he's laying down yeah

oh my god she has to go to the bathroom really bad yeah really bad oh my god

I mean, it's unbelievable. By the way, this is not just like, I got a little tinkle.
This is like when the hose, you know when you open the hose after it's been kinked? Yeah, yeah. This is just like, after you untangle the hose.
Watch this. Ready? Oh, you'll notice.
You'll know. She's getting ready to load up.
Bing. I mean.
My God. On his face.
Look at that spray. Yeah.
On his face, this idiot. What percentage of that liquid is pussy juice? I mean, look, he's shaking his head off, but then he's smiling.
Is it all urine? I mean. There's no lubrication juice in there? No, there's something.
And look, he's pumping his fists as she goes away. Oh, wow.
This dude's amped as shit. Yeah, he's not the problem.
No, no, no, no. No.
Yeah. That's just a lot.
Have you ever had somebody pee on you? No, but I've watched porn. Where they pee? Sometimes I'll put in pee.
What? Don't you do that in your show, Bobby? Hey, that's rude. It's a big closer.
Fucking rude. That's the closer? The closer gets a big leg.
Thank you, Baltimore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But he's like, it's like this, though. He's like, yeah, thank you, Baltimore! Thank you! He goes, more fingers.
Thank you, Baltimore! You think my dick is... You think my dick is...
You think my dick is a small? We know it's alright. It's a good size.
It's been out there. Thank you.
Well, look, let me say this.

Since we have two POCs in the room, I don't consider you a person of color.

Why?

Because you're just not.

I am.

You're just not.

Bro, it's so funny because in the KKK, would I be able to join?

That's right.

Well, you're asking the right guy. Yeah, yeah.
And would I? They don't have no Kung Pao, Bobby. Yeah, there's only...
Tell me. This fucking guy.
Taking it to the 1980s. Doc is doing like ASMR.
You know what I mean? They were like, Kung Pao. Kung Pao chicken.
I'm the DJ Khaled of this shit. You know what ASMR is? No, what is it? It's where people whisper into the mic.
They turn the gain up real high and they whisper and they touch the mic or they'll have like somebody will be hitting their phone like this. Or cutting something smooth, like cutting styrofoam.
I love that, yeah. I do love it too.
I do love it. Well, sometimes I go at night three in the morning and I just put it on YouTube.
I'll have a girl just start chewing something in my ear. You like that? Oh, yeah, it puts me right at it.
Well, sometimes I go at night three in the morning, and I just put it on YouTube.

I'll have a girl just start chewing something in my ear.

You like that?

Oh, yeah.

It puts me right out.

Really?

All right. What is this here?

What is this?

All right.

Show the pickle video.

Show this girl.

She's famous.

Dude, I can't believe this has 37 million views.

So people like to hear it opening.

You hear how it's like so.

But the gain is like really high.

Yeah.

So you hear every little thing. That's what they hear thing He can't hear right now Put those on She's showing the pickle jar there Let's just get to her eating one It's all she wears is bright red lipstick People like this I love this I can go to sleep right now.
Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, I love it.
This woman eating is just so... I cannot stand that people eat and listen.
I'm cool with like cut... Oh, my God.
That's the way you want to slap people. When they eat like that, that's...
Oh, this is... All right, all right, enough, enough, enough, enough.
Jesus Christ, I can't take that anymore. My God.
How do you like that, Bob? I don't know.

I mean, it's-

But does it turn you on or it soothes your soul?

It soothes my soul.

I think about other things than whatever is going on in my mind.

So I don't know.

I just focus on the sound.

You know when people are ripping things up or going-

I like the scenarios where they go, you're at a new space station.

Put your ID code in this hand thing and you put your hand in there.

I act it out.

You do?

Yeah, so I go, okay. And put the hand thing, boop, right? And now you're sitting in the lounge and your ship is going to take off in 2,300 hours, right? And I respond.
I go, okay, thank you. Can I sit here? Yeah, I do my own dialogue.
But she doesn't answer you back. She doesn't answer you back.
No, no, no. You're just calling out to the void.
She goes, I just need to fill out this paperwork. How tall are you? Five nine? Like I respond.
Five nine big dick? No. What? Five five? I know, but it's in the scenario.
Five nine. Yeah, yeah.
Bobby. I know, but she doesn't.
It's just a scenario. You're almost a legal dwarf.
You know what I mean? Wait, wait. Stop.
Stop. Honestly, if I'm almost legal dwarf, what the fuck is he? A dwarf? Yeah, I was over here.
Is he dwarf? Legal. Legal.
He's a legal dwarf. He's got a license at the Shire.
All right. If he went to the Shire, he wouldn't turn any heads.
Like, Doc, where you been? Oh, he's black, so they're like, is there a black hobbit? Wait, are there black hobbits? I don't think they would go, Doc, where you been? See if there's any black hobbits. I don't think so.
No, there's none. Blobbits.
Blobbits? Doc shows up, they're like, oh my gosh. Were you in a fire? What happened? DoorDash.
I'll tell you what, Andrew. When I'm on the road and I'm even in LA, if I'm in Hawaii, I use DoorDash as my number one food delivery system.
By far. Because they have the most options.
They're the most precise and they're very nice people. And whenever I'm on anywhere else, I use DoorDash, number one in la if you forgot something in the store you need to get snacks drinks household essentials in 30 minutes with door dash you know door dash we don't need to explain it to you i mean dinner check deodorant check morning pickup from duncan check get everything you need whenever you need it with door dash you want chinese check you want pizza fro-yo.
Jules is something for everyone with DoorDash. They connect you with the restaurants you love right now and right to your door.
Ordering is easy, Andrew. You open up the DoorDash app, choose what you want from where you want it, and your items will get there safely outside your ha-ha door with a contactless delivery dropped off setting.
Yeah, over 300,000 partners in US, Puerto Rico, Canada, Australia. You can support your neighborhood go-tos or choose from your favorite national restaurants like Popeye's, Chipotle, Cheesecake Factory.
For a limited time, our listeners get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter the code BADFRIENDS2021. That's 25% off up to a $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order.
When you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code BADFRIENDS2021. Don't forget that's code BADFRIENDS2021 for 25% off your first order with DoorDash.
Subject to change. Terms apply.
Upstart! I've had so many credit card worries in my life. What's the most you ever owed? Thousands.
Thousands and thousands. Thousands upon thousands.
I think mine was $17,000. Hey, listen.
Mine was $18,000. Oh, it was? Mine was $19,000.
If you're carrying a credit card balance month after month, it can feel like you're in a never-ending cycle of debt with no end in sight, and Upstart can help you make that final payment so you can get ahead. Yeah, if you dread looking at your credit card statements like I do, you're not alone.
The weight of debt can be crippling, but Upstart can help you on your path to financial freedom. It's a fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan, all done online, whether it's paying off credit cards, consolidating high interest debt, or funding personal expenses.
Over a million people have used Upstart to get one fixed monthly payment with a clear payoff date. All right? You can check your rate without- Without impacting your credit score in minutes for loans between $1,000 to $50,000.
Oh, my God. You can receive funds as fast as one business day after accepting your loan.
Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to upstart.com slash badfriends. That's upstart.com slash badfriends.
Don't forget to use our code, our URL, to let them know we sent you. Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit income and certain other information provided in your loan application.
Upstart.com slash badfriends. They would just ask where he is and you'd go, I'm from the Dyer.
Maybe they have a new, like, maybe they have an urban community called the Dyer. Or is it like dwarfs, but like the wire? Yeah.
But like with dwarfs. And it's like, Doc's a criminal dwarf.
I love that show idea. That is good.
The Dyer with dwarfs. The Dyer, but with'm still on this keep going oh you want to be in it he just wants to roll in something yeah yeah we'll get you in there apparently yeah alright yeah Doc we can get you in that the problem is we don't even know if Doc can act I think he can yeah I'm good I think I've done scenes have I done scenes with you before? No.
Okay. He can't.
He can't. You don't know.
How do you know? I don't know. I did a scene with Griffin.
Did you guys do a scene together? Yeah, what was that? Oh, that was Brett Ernst's comedy special. Yeah.
What is that? What did you guys do? He had one of those little intro things. I was the principal of his school.
Oh, right. And he was a young, young Brett.
And what did he play? He was a janitor, I believe. No, I was a 12-year-old, remember? I was supposed to be a 12-year-old grown-ass dude who looks, who's 12-year-old who looks grown as fuck.
That was written for you. Well, that's a funny joke.
That's a funny joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very funny. And what was your line? Do you remember? My line was, because he was sitting at his desk.
It's on YouTube. It is?

Bring it up.

I want to see it. Yeah, Brett's special.

Let's see your acting on YouTube.

Yeah.

And we'll give you a one through five.

What's it called, Griff?

Because he actually released it on YouTube.

It's just Brett Ernst.

Brett Ernst.

Special.

Look at Ernst.

E-R-N-S-T.

Yeah, E-R-N-S-T.

Next.

Oh, my God.

How old are you?

I'm 12, fuck, boy.

Now, what you want with Delonte?

Scene stealer.

100%. Scene stealer.
All right. Wait, can you back up and just freeze frame on doc just pause it on doc yeah yeah that was a shock because i've never seen you wear what without glasses oh yeah look at him you know you can tell he can't see shit they were like doc you're looking right here you're looking right here about it're looking right here, bud.
He's down on the floor.

What?

Because Doc looked 47 right here.

Six, seven years ago.

Shit.

Jesus Christ.

You look good, dude.

That's so funny because I forget after all this time of knowing you when you had a mustache for as long as I've known you.

Oh, that's crazy.

And then now gone.

Well, it's here, but it's just connected to all this. No, I know, but the face is remarkably different.
When you met him, he had the mustache. Yeah.
When's the last time you were shaved? Never. I never shaved.
I think I did once on this show for a bit, and it was bad. I look weird now with shaved.
When you got rid of all your, if you got rid of everything? Yeah, I look weird. I don't look like myself.
What's his name on? Billions did it too. Who? For billions giamatti oh paul giamatti he shaved his face oh yeah it's crazy yeah it just doesn't look like the same guy like bring him were you shaved on undateable when you did the episode on undateable i didn't do undateable no thanks doc well i'm sorry that was real that's a doc moment were you how do you even yeah are you on that show I was an extra extra on there.
I thought you did an episode on Undateable. He was doing the exact same thing.
He was sitting at the bar. Oh, he was an extra.
Yeah, and then, you know, the scene was going on and he would just say something in the background. And it was while somebody else was talking.
They were like, what? What? Look at this.

Look, he looks so weird now.

Yeah.

No hair on the face or the head.

That's for the show?

He did it for the show, but he has hair in the show.

The top left one, I think, is more like what's going on right now in the billions.

I like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was so used to him having the facial hair.

Phenomenal, right?

I know, right?

That's so weird to see him without all that shit. Anytime I see a Showtime show that's still thriving I just go oh because can we announce that these two were on a show everybody knows it I'd like to announce it these two fine gentlemen were on a show called I'm Dying Up Here on Showtime.
And what I've seen from the show, you two were remarkable. You've never watched one episode.
What are you talking about? Yes, I have. Name one episode.
Name anything that happens. I'm right now watching.
I'm going to correct you, my friend. Okay.
I'm right now watching Secession all the way through. Not the show that we're on.
I understand that, but that's what I'm watching. Okay.
Yeah. And I've recently watched, I'm caught up, I saw first two seasons.
They're recent though. And I couldn't tell you what episode is what episode.
You're talking about on succession. On succession.
My point is, is that there's no way I could throw you because that was a couple years ago when I saw the show. You don't remember one scene.
Yes, I do. Okay.
You didn't watch it. It's okay.
It's okay. You know why I know he didn't watch it? I know.
You know why? Because his jealousy could not let him watch it. All right.
He would just see that and be like, I can act too. I'm dramatic.
I'm a comic. Why couldn't I be on this? That's true.
You did ask me why you couldn't be on the show. And I said there were no Asian comics back then.
Yeah. That's a fact.
Well, because I auditioned. Boom.
The stand-up. Boom.
Boom. That's what it is.
I knew it. Fuck you, man.
I had to fight for the right to perform as well. All right? I got to fight for my stuff.
No. All right? So let me fucking talk right now.
Well, they'll make an Asian version. That's what they're doing now.
We auditioned that night. I'm a dying upper here.
All right Alright I love how he

He just came out of nowhere

Dying up a hill

So we auditioned

Give him a delight

So we auditioned for the same night

I remember Jim Carrey was there

Remember in the audience?

When he was at the store you were talking about

Yeah when he was at the store

And in my head I'm like

Honestly I was like

This is my chance Really? Yeah to get the shop. Did you rip that night? I ripped.
You ripped. Okay, first of all, and I think I've said this here, but you know that night I was furious.
Why? Adam comes up to me and says, hey Eric, Jim Carrey's here. You know what I said to him? Is he bumping me? Oh.
I was so mad. Yeah mad yeah i was like this motherfucker got 300 million dollars and he coming into the club bumping people i need this tuesday 15 yeah this is my time and i was pacing i went up on stage and that's why i killed yeah because i was so mad yeah that's funny they told me later like you know this whole production crew's here and i was like oh shit yeah michael was there so when you guys actually was doing it there was jealousy really yeah because weren't you doing love at the same time yeah but he's like can I explain Bobby Bobby's like a kid that has a hundred toys in front of him right and then kids come over and they pick up the shittiest toy and he goes like this that's mine that's my favorite my favorite toy! That's my favorite one! That's mine! You are your fucking mind! You think that's what I'm fucking doing right now? Yes! I'm being vulnerable and being honest and I'm telling you that I felt a little jealous.
I was happy for you guys. No, you weren't.
You weren't. Yes, I was! In what regard were you happy? In every regard.
You don't... Yes, I do in every regard.
Let me say something. Just watch don't do this homework don't do this right because there's other things i want to watch all right but i want to say this right now for the record yeah okay i like it you look good doing yeah i don't i'm gonna do it hey don't don't hey this is great anytime Ha! Pull! Anyway.
I'm gonna get you it again. Hey! Don't.
Hey, this is great.

Anytime.

Ha!

Oh!

Anyway.

I'm going to get you.

For the record.

For the record, man.

Sorry.

Go ahead.

Does it feel good that it's on me now?

Man, it feels.

It feels real good, right?

Yeah.

My heart is just singing right now.

For the record, okay?

And this is going to sound so pretentious coming out of my mouth. Here we go, guys.
This sounds so pretentious and gross. Can't wait.
Can't wait. But I don't hang out with...
Go ahead. I don't hang out with anybody who's not the top of the comedy.
Oh, you're saying we're lucky to be in your presence. No, that's what I'm saying.
I'm'm blessed to be around you guys because you guys are the top of your fields right and i get to learn did you have therapy today no where is this coming from no i have to learn honestly sitting here right now list looking at you and seeing you, it inspires me. This is such fun.
It inspires me at every second. And I never really could pinpoint what that feeling was.
I would always have that feeling around you. It's one of those feelings where you're on the top of a roller coaster and you're about to fall.
You know what I mean? Excitement. What about me, Bob? Not you.
Not at all. And I'm never gonna feel that way About yourself I'm never gonna feel that way

About you ever

Right

And let me say

Let me say something right now

Okay pal

You ever interrupt me again

Right

You ever interrupt me again

Don't ever fucking do that again

Alright

Alright

I'm being vulnerable

Right

He was

Right

And you fucked me up

Just now

You shut the fuck up

Now go ahead

We needed one more season

We should have had another season

We just needed one more season

No no no

The one more season

That's all we needed

One more season

Thank you. You shut the fuck up.
Go ahead. We needed one more season.
We should have had another season. We just needed one more season.
No, no, no. The one more season.
That's all we needed. One more season.
And then we would have been able to clarify. It's not like, what was the show that you only got six episodes out of? What was the one that you were on? Animal Practice.
No, no, no. That one too though, right? That was on the call sheet.
It was like, monkey. He's talking about the Jenna Fisher show.
Theenna fisher show that's the one bobby was acting his ass off in that show though can i tell you something we watched i watched a couple episodes yeah me too and i i was actually very happy what you did on the show and can i say this right now yeah i don't live with you right we don't live together that's correct we're friends we just see each other every once in a while we work together together whether or not. Yeah.
People that have lived with me haven't seen anything. You got something to say for yourself? Yeah.
Are you paying for your own phone bill yet? I'm just curious. No.
Okay. Who's paying for that? You.
How much is it a month? I don't even know. Because it could be a million dollars.
I would fucking pay it. Why don't you watch Bobby's stuff is what we're curious.

I've seen the first episode of Splitting Up Together.

All right.

Have you seen any Mad TV episodes?

No.

What's Splitting Up Together?

That was the show.

That was what it was called?

Yeah.

Oh.

I forgot the name of that show.

I saw it when you played Connie Chung. But you know what though?

What?

I saw it when you played Chung.

Fuck you, man.

Fuck you.

That was good.

In Bobby's defense though, I don't always like watching stuff with people that we know no it's true you know I watched one episode of Whitney and almost blew my head off yeah but you don't you don't like sitcoms anyway exactly but it was like but even undateable that's another one that I just was like yeah but a cable show if your friend was on a cable show you'd watch it exactly. Yeah, a cable show.
Or a single cam. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because the first time I actually started talking to you was you were on that.

I liked Mixology.

Yeah.

You know?

The show I read for him.

He did read for him. That was very funny.

They actually asked me if I knew you.

But can I tell you why?

Did you shit on him?

No, they literally were like, do you know Bobby Lee?

I didn't actually read.

I showed up, right?

And a guy next to me said, you know who else is reading for this? I go and he said andrew santino and i left it's not true yes we were not out for the same i left yes it was for that role and i left the audition so that you can get it congratulations that's the but it's so funny he says that because like we were i would always see you in audition rooms and i'd be like all the time and if we're if we're going for the same part i'm like they don't know they want. We did it often.
Me, him, Ian Edwards one time. Me, him and Ian Edwards in the same fucking room.
They don't know. What's one thing we have in common? Comedy.
Guys, comedy guys. Yeah.
They wanted nothing else. Yeah.
But we looked at each other like, well, this character doesn't really exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They don't know what they want. So when we were in the, I'm dying up here test.
Yeah. And I see you.
And then I know I'm not going for the same role. It that's when I was like ah this is great we were mean we knew we had it there was two other people in the room and we knew we had it they were so nervous because they weren't they probably weren't comedians right no they were actors yeah yeah yeah they were both like like like highly regarded New York theater actors yeah because if I was in the lobby and I was a theater actor and it was for a stand-up and I saw any one of you guys come in.
Yeah, I'd leave. I would probably leave.
See, I would leave. It's the same if it was the opposite.
If I'm trying to break into a category like Broadway or something that I don't, and I see one of the best, if I'm out, I'm not going to go up against that shit. Dude, when I'm on this other show in New York and I talk to, there's a guy that I work with that's a Broadway actor.
So much TMZ on you, by the way. I see fucking videos every day of you with Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's getting old. Yeah.
People tag me in it all the fucking time. I'm sick of it.
It looks like a fetish. But I'm not sure who has the fetish, her or you.
That's a good one. That's a really good one.
What did you say, Doc? Oh, Sarah Jessica Parker. I was asking her.
Sarah Jessica Parker from Six in the City. Thank you.
Doc's like a weird 411 operator. And I'm just trying to- From a different country.
In another country. We're not even the same state.
This is what Google used to be. That's what I represent.
I represent Italy and all the people- No, that's Ask Jeeves. That's not Google.
good. I look like a Jeeves too.
Because it gives you the wrong answers. So stupid.
Yeah. No, but I just, it's something weird about, I don't know.
It's like when you know people, it's like it's rare that you see your, when you see your friend doing something, unless it's something that they really transform, sometimes it's hard to like see. Or if it's their personal show, if they made the show.
That's what's hard. I don't like looking at, you know, you go, ah, this is just people I know and it's kind of weird.
That's true. But then like, you know, Marc Maron, I like seeing him, you know.
On, on, on. Like he's on things.
Glow? Yeah, Glow. Yeah, he was good on Glow.
Or even the Joker. Joker, he was great at Joker.
Yeah, he's playing this guy and you just go, but part of that is you just go, ah, look at him. Because it's Marc.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, when it comes to his success, I tell this to them all the time. When a guy like that succeeds, I'm 100% so supportive because he went through hell.
Yeah. I mean, he's been around for so fucking long and it's like a lot of these guys, you look at some of these guys, they never got their due.
He's gotten his due for a long time now. I know, but he's one of the lucky ones.
You look at other guys that just never get it from his generation from his generation yeah I guess you're true and it's like most of those guys quit they're not around anymore or they went into something else a lot of people directors writing directing producing that kind of stuff yeah they got smart yeah they got the fuck out of stand up yeah no shit yeah because as a doorman I saw back in the 90s when I was a doorman at the store guys we don't even we never see anymore but it's like what do these people do yeah think of the people that you went to do where you were doing open mics with I think about this all the time man I just go hey what happened to this guy what happened to that guy you ever try to find him on Facebook or some shit no man because then they're going to be I don't know I mean it didn't work out because what would you say yeah what, I'm killing it. What are you doing? He's like, oh, I'm an investor in a food truck.
Only person I would ever... Oh, I don't know.
You ever want to run into your ex, like an ex-ex that did you wrong? While you're doing well? While you're doing well? Yeah. I mean, that's what we're doing here.
That's true. That's this whole thing.
Buffy! I like to sleep. In Buffy.
Sleep. Sleep on the Buffy.
Buffy bedding is earth-friendly and cruelty-free. We've spent sleepless nights worrying about the impact that the bedding industry has on the environment, so we decided to change it, says Buffy.
Our products are made using only sustainable and recycled materials, which makes them soft. One of the greatest gifts you've ever given me, Andrew, is a Buffy comforter.
You're welcome. And it's the same comforter that's on my bed right now.
It is the most softest, coolest, right? Not just cool style, but in terms of- It's cool style too. It's cool.
That too? Right? But it cools your body. It really is the best comforter.
By far. No more night sweats.
Get cozy without overheating. 100% plant-based design.
It's breathable. Keeps you comfortable.
It's softer than... Temperature in a way that polyester does not do.
It's softer than cotton and naturally soothes skin. It's earth-friendly.
Eucalyptus uses 10 times less water than cotton to grow. I'll tell you another one.
Yeah? It's hyperallergenic. Yes, it is.
Plus, its high thread count shuts out dust, mold, and mites for a healthier sleep environment. Why not choose 100% plant-based bedding that's better for you and the earth? You can try a comforter in your bed for free like Bobby did.
And if you don't love it, return it at no cost, which Bobby didn't do. He kept it.
For $20 off your Buffy comforter, visit buffy.co and enter code BADFRIENDS. That is $20 off your Buffy comforter when you visit buffy.co and enter BADFRIENDS.
Blue Chew! Sometimes my ding-ling don't work, Andrew. Ew! Yeah, it breaks down as you get older.
And for me, I use Blue Chew to get my privates ready for war. Yeah, if you want to chug along on that track with a slow train, you're a dork.
If you want to be flying down the tracks with reckless abandon, go ahead and get yourself some Blue Chew. Blue Chew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, but in a chewable tablet at a fraction of the cost.
You can take them anytime, day or night. You can start to plan ahead or be ready whenever an opportunity arises.
Yeah, that's right. The process is simple.
Sign up at bluechew.com, consult with one of the licensed medical professionals, and once you're approved, you're going to receive your prescription in a few days.

The best part, it's on the internet.

You don't got to go to a doctor's office.

Men everywhere are excited to see the postman because he's bringing a little Blue Chew.

They get your pee-pee.

Chew-chew.

It's also, Andrew, I feel so strongly about this.

Yeah.

Blue Chew tablets are made in the U.S. of it.

That's right, baby. True blood Americans.
That's right, man's right man prepared and shipped direct to your door in discrete package even though you said that already i think that's very important it doesn't matter it is so if you could benefit from extra confidence with time to perform blue chew can help and we have a special deal for our listeners try blue chew free when you use our promo code bad friends at checkout just pay five dollars for shipping that's blue chew.com promo code bad friends to receive your first month free visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information and we thank bluechew for sponsoring the podcast you think that's what this is that's what this is some sort of pain that we experience younger and we're just trying to get back at something why the reason we do comedy yeah it's either it's one of two things i think you're either very smart and you understand communication and people very well and you're able to communicate normal things in a very unique way and people can. That's the foundation anyway.
I don't think this. I think they all have that.
You know what I mean? She can hear it. Or you're an idiot and you know nothing else.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think that's it. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think that's more me. No.
No. Yeah.
Yeah no i don't know much i think about i will say about bobby is like bobby is like like idiot savant if you had to define whatever funny is yeah just bobby being himself is hilarious that's correct yeah like you yourself are funnier than the things you do on stage and you're funny on stage wow that's a burn That's a burn in a weird way. Yeah, that's a sneak dish.
That hurts so bad. Like your skill level doesn't represent itself on stage.
No, no, no, that's not true. But when you're just in your bathroom, right, walking around, right? This motherfucker is funny.
You're fucking funny, dude. But what he just did was so bad the skill to fucking do it i i i followed it up with and you're really funny on stage right he did it's like asking you know back in the barnum and bailey like barnum and bailey right back in the day they're still around and you saw the hairy face? Yeah.
And it's like, he was born that way. He has no skill.
That's what you're saying. No.
Then I'm like a freakish guy who walks up stage with an extra arm on my head. If you're saying me.
Like, look at me. Laugh, laugh.
You know what? It's equivalent in a sense that not everybody's born with a hairy face. So not everybody's born with.
There's Bobby. The funny.
No, you're more like the hairy face boy that can also juggle there's a couple of hairy face boys you're the hairy face boy but you know they can't all climb a tree he can climb a fucking tree that's why right he gets paid the extra money because they're like you know the hairy face kid it's like yeah those poor kids by the way i don't i want to reiterate this yeah this was you know i know it sounds like a burn and we burn each other that's what we do 100 you are so funny okay i don't need to no no no fuck you just let him finish no no you i'm telling you i don't there's something about you and this is why this podcast is so successful it's why like you know you're just there's something that like you have that thing man that's the essence of what funny is you're special that's the best compliment i could ever fucking now do me you're special bobby yeah yeah yeah now do him well you know how some like when you're sometimes people are like mean and then you have funny mean yeah funny funny mean mean. Funny mean.
Yeah. Funny mean.
Yeah. Still mean though nonetheless.
Yes. Okay.
But it's good. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
But it's working. You make a living.
Yeah. It's working.
All right. Let's go to Doc.
Ooh. Okay.
So if you have like. Can I see him park? Remember Tom Cruise was in Rain Man? Mm-hmm.
Okay. You're the other guy.
No. Right.
Okay. You real quick.
What? I'm right there with Tom though, right? See? That's the perspective. Pretty good perspective.
Yes, he is Rain Man, but he's also next to Tom Cruise. Yeah, you're next to him.
Yeah, for sure. But he doesn't know because he's Rain Man.
Yeah, you don't know that you're next to her. No, honestly.
Who's Rudy? What do you mean who's Rudy?

Rudy's Rudy. No, who is she in this

world that we're speaking about? I have no idea.

She's, what's her kind

of funny? Honesty.

It's like an alien, no, it's

this. It's an alien

spacecraft

that they're like

zipping by our solar system.

Right? And they're like, hold

up, we don't have to be on

to Ontarion. Let's just make up a fucking planet we don't have to be the Ontario have you played that great club Ontario if you just go to space you go east who books that yeah yeah yeah that's where you'll find it oh yeah right and it's like we don't have to be in ontarion until like next week i heard about this planet called earth oh yeah let's capture one and they capture they go to the philippines right and they see her no shoes yep you know i mean there's a highlight digging digging a ditch or something right and they they discover her and they bring her to another just for a showcase.
And that's what she is for this. That's interesting.
I don't know why I went through all that. None of it makes any sense what I just said.
Have you ever felt like you might have been abducted or anything like that? Have you ever had a supernatural experience with a UFO? No. Anything at all? Nothing.
This is your chance to make something up. Yeah up yeah you know what that's kind of spooky that she went from like nothing to like yeah you know we're gonna make she's very mark zuckerberg you know what we make her do did you see that clip of mark was zuckerberg was like someone he's like well that's because you're human and i was you i am human have you seen that and everyone in the crowd is like what and he goes

have you seen this shit oh my god look at this mark zuckerberg i am i was human i am human because because rudy sometimes shows signs of not being from here but it is gonna bother you because you're human and and i was human i am human but i was just referring to myself in the past.

Not that I was not here.

But it is going to be.

Now play it again.

Let me hear.

Look at how fast he skipped bother you because you're human and and i was human i am human but i was just referring to myself in the past um tell me that's not a little strange you know what you know what really bugs me though for real tell me that's not strange all these people who are like super successful super rich super like it's the as if they gotta be weird like this they all have to be just there's gotta be something kind of quirky or something no are we scrutinizing them though like we were so full wow what's so funny did i say the word wrong no give me an example of how you're supposed to say that word. Are we scrutinizing them? Is that what you said? Yeah.
Are we focused in the details of it? Of course. If I see an Andrew Santino interview, I don't look at little tic.
I don't observe all those things. But I'm also not a lizard.
Because he's so rich, are we observing? Is that what it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because we want to find out that.
I'm trying to defend the fucking guy. No, we'd like to think that you want to think that whatever normal is or like whatever you know you would think that can that person like that end up being like a you know 50 billionaire you know i would do weird if i was a billionaire i would do weird shit during it i pray to god you don't become a billionaire i'd just be like i don't know if he could get there and they'd be like what the fuck was that doing all kind of dumb shit before he got to that's true you'd never get there you'd keep fucking it up yeah you'd be you could become a hundred millionaire maybe what do you mean i don't think you can get to a billion i think you'd fuck it up what's so funny man i just is that a real statement you'd fuck it up i did if i got to 800 million you think that i couldn't get to a billion for some reason no what do you What do you think I would do? I don't know.
You'd find a way to fuck it up. Yeah.
You know how he plays those games and he spends so much money on them? He would actually build the Sim City. Right.
You know what I mean? He would have construction crews going like, move this over here. It would be like a whole thing.
That sounds like $1.5 million. See? This is what we're talking about.
That's not a lot. You've already calculated.
That processing in your head is what we're saying. $1.5 million for that room.
So what else? Because I have $800 million. If you had $800 million, you'd be the kind of guy that you'd buy a private jet, take it to a place.
I just want a new one. And then you'd leave it.
You would do that. And you'd get a monitor in the Xbox.
A new one. A new one.
No, I would take a private jet and go, can you turn this into a bed? Right? So they would cut it out, you know what I mean? Cut it out. And I would use that as my bed.
That's cool. And then they're like, Mr.
Lee, we do need to get back to the United States at some point. Buy a new plane.
You just buy a new plane. I would probably...
He is right, though. You know how Michael Jordan, they used to say he would leave, he would wear a pair of shoes and a new pair of socks every game.
He never wore a shoe twice. You're that guy.
You would do that with everything. You would do that with Xboxes.
You'd bring them or you'd have someone buy a bunch. You'd leave them everywhere all the time.
Your budgets would be like 50 grand a day on bullshit. Yeah.
Because knowing you, you would just be like, well, I don can just buy more what was that movie isn't there a movie

where somebody

inherits a bunch of money

Brewster's Willey millions

that's the movie

and then

Richard Pryor

no but it was a remake

that's the remake

right

Richard Pryor was the remake

yes

yeah the original

was not with Richard

it was like

he was higher

he inherited a bunch of money

and the thing was

if you can

if you could spend

30 million dollars

in 30 days

you'll inherit

300 million dollars

yeah

that's what it was

so

which I could do easily. Easy.
I'd like to highly recommend a movie called- But you couldn't make any money on it, though. Can I recommend a movie? Mm-hmm.
T-Tan. T-Tan.
T-Tan. T-Tan? T-Tan.
Have you seen it? Spell it. T-I-T-A-N-E.
Tn-e titan it is can you use it in a sentence yeah i have a titan in my body oh that's a titan right there i thought you're the movie just write movie titan i thought your titan was that space between your balls and your asshole that's your taint that's your titan oh this is good this movie right here dude is the most fucked up movie i've ever seen in my life judging on that photo of that woman even more than old boy Oh yeah, this is good. This movie right here, dude, is the most fucked up movie I've ever seen in my life.
Judging on that photo of that woman. Even more than Oldboy? Oh, yeah.
This is fucked up, bro. So fucked.
Look at the woman in the vice at grip. Look at that.
I had to pause this movie every five minutes, Kalilah and I, and we had to walk away from it. Oof.
I hate that kind of thing. See, I don't want to watch that show.
Dude, did you see that Jake Gyllenhaal movie on Netflix where he's a cop? No. Dude, it is so disturbing for right what's it called the guilty like what's in it the guilty well he's like a 9-1-1 operator but he's like as a cop that did something bad and that's why he's 9-1-1 operator right now and there's some shit happens on this 9-1-1 call and it's just like the whole how the whole thing plays out you like no one right you know what i mean you'd like no one it's don't don't don't watch that movie is there a hero you hero you hate everyone in that movie really yeah but you somehow want to see it unfold all right so look we had video submissions um for uh i want i want a little bit of black magic and uh let's play let's see some of the people that are in the mood for doc now are they asking there we go a little black magic or but it's a double entendre we got a little black magic kelsey good morning it is 9 10 a.m ignore the messy room in the background um and i want a little black magic in my life you see i've been seeing this guy and i bought tickets to go to this comedy show on december 4th at the Balboa Theater in San Diego.
It's my show. And he said he was down to go, but he's just not that into comedy.
But it turns out I'm just not that into him. Yeah.
So I need a date for the show. Okay, bye.
Oh my god. Doc.
You're, yo, you gotta take this girl to come see me live. You also get to see me do an hour, which is great.
Was she using that guy? Was she using that fucking guy that she was doing? No, dude, she's seeing a guy. She's a fan.
She wants to come see me do stand-up. So I'm supposed to just get in the middle of a love triangle.
She's gonna break up with him first. Jesus Christ, Doc.
I could get killed, Bobby. She could break up with him first, and then you could go on the fucking date.
We can think of a fuck. Oh, man, you just...
Okay. Wait a minute.
Doc, you see this girl? Yeah, I see. She's cute.
She's very cute. Okay, so she wants a date to the show.
Was she smoking weed or was that a cigarette? She was smoking weed. What does it matter if she's on weed or anything? Hey, Doc.
Does she have a vagina? Not a cigarette, but a little weed. Okay, I feel you.
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I think you should have a little bit higher standard than that.

A little bit?

Oh, my bad.

Do you?

Wait a minute.

Doc.

Yeah.

She seems like a down-ass bitch.

She smokes.

She's chill.

And she's willing to leave this dude who dorked out on her and doesn't want to come to the

show for you.

All you have to do is go down there, and that's a free date. That's what it sounds like.
She's trying to get a freebie out of me too. No, she has a ticket.
She has tickets already, man. Oh, she has a ticket.
I'm not using you to get into the fucking show. You're going to have to pay.
You're not going to put you on the list. I'm not.
I'm definitely going to make you pay. You're going to be paying.
You will be paying. I'm not going out with some chick that's just willing to just throw a dude to the side like that.
That right there this is fucking that's just evil what what did you say fans doug promised his mom never to be in a love triangle again oh that's right that's right is that what it is yeah you gotta stick to your principles all right so so let me let me clarify this for the for the fans and including uh what this young woman's name is i forgot what did it say what was? What was it? Kelsey? Okay. So you're telling Kelsey.
You just want to end the race because you think you don't want to be a part of her breaking up with a guy to be with you? To hang with you? Yeah. Just to hang.
Well, she can hang. You're coming.
He's coming. You don't have a fucking choice.
Do you have a problem with her race? No. That's what it is.
I think it's a racial thing. No, no, no, no, no.
No, you're racist. Yeah, you're racist.
Yeah. He likes a snowboard.
yeah y'all made up that ain't got nothing to do with me what is it then what is it like i said she fucking says she'll dump this dude for me no no no she's not gonna date she doesn't want to dump you slow down over there romeo she didn't say all that she just don't want to be alone at this concert no she did say she doesn't i'm not into him so I think the relationship's over. Well, yeah, he doesn't like comedy.
She's a big comedy fan. You're a fucking comedian.
This is perfect. Perfect.
Is it? Yeah. Okay.
She's also loaded. Yeah, she's rich.
Which is good. Oh, I thought you were saying high.
Because she has two tickets. No, she's high.
Oh, I I meant. Oh, I thought you meant rich.
No, she's high. Yeah, she's high.
Which is a good thing. She could be rich too.
Yeah. Because if she was sober, she would have never made the video.
There would be no video. Let me tell you something.
Okay. I like this for you, and I know you may not want to do this, but you're doing it.
You're doing it. For whatever y'all want, man.
And you have to be nice, and we'll give you cash. Why wouldn't I be nice to her? Why are we giving him cash to take her out on a date? No, no, Bobby.
What is this, 10 Things I Hate About You now? Yeah, he doesn't do ballet or anything like that, is he? No, he's got... Yeah.
We'll give you cash. He's getting mad at the parking guy.
We'll give you cash. We'll give you some cash to take her out on a nice date.
You know what we should do? Is that how you park the car? Get out. This is it.
I'm calling it right now. We're setting up.
You're coming to San Diego. Okay.
We are setting up a nice dinner spot for you before the show. Bobby and I will pay for a very nice steak dinner.
And you're going to get a guest set on the show. I don't think there's room.
That's rude. No, you're being rude right now.
Yeah. It's one show.
Yeah. You're being so rude right now.
Let me ask if're being so rude let me ask if there's rude I want to let everyone know wait wait wait wait Andrew who are you going to ask I have a team my time team because she likes comedy he should get the guest set that'll really close the deal i also how about this you can get a

fucking you get the guest spot you have to do the dinner you have to take her on the date yeah let's

go okay so if he gets a guest spot i don't get one that's right if doc's in you're out that's

how it goes can't have two so anyone that bought a ticket for his san diego date right could have

gotten me and doc on the same lineup and you're not going to do it how about this we'll see

Thank you. for his San Diego date, right? Could have gotten me and Doc on the same lineup.
And you're not going to do it. How about this? We'll see.
I'm not coming. When is the date? December 4th.
Why would I drive down there for that? We'll leave it up to the universe. To the fans.
We'll leave it up to the fans. All right, fans.
If you're from San Diego, you bought a ticket to Andrew's show.

I'm going to be at La Jolla that weekend.

Oh, you can come have a spot.

Oh, you're competing, taking numbers away from each other.

I love that.

Different area.

I'm good.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Wow.

Fucking Louis C.K.

Relax.

What is that?

What was that?

Wow.

Don't do that, Ken Jeong.

Don't do that to me, Pat.

Oh, really?

Yeah, let's bring up the photo.

Why don't you post every fucking photo with that guy?

He's the best.

I don't do that Ken Jeong don't do that to me oh really yeah let's bring up the photo why don't you post every fucking photo with that guy he's the best I love him so much too we talked about you today what show was Dave he's on Davey I'm not shooting Dave was he on This Is Up or whatever that is no what's it called I did a scene in a movie with Charlie Day for Charlie Day Charlie Day has a movie oh the Charlie Day yeah and CK CK is in it? No, he just throws that at... He just said that.
Oh, anyway. But look at that.
Me and one of my best Korean friends of all time. Now that's a podcast you want to watch.
Do one with him. You're such a baby.
Try it. You know what you...
I want you to try it. You know what would be hilarious? He's too busy.
Is if you actually just filmed a fake episode of something just to fuck with him he would we talked about it he's too busy it's so fucking funny all right let's move on let me just let me get my fucking two cents in all right you know what dude i i sigh like that when i listen to you talk as well i know you did it you did it a few times on the show today already know, that doesn't hurt my feelings. I didn't do it to hurt your feelings.
I'm emoting. What are you getting angry about? I'm talking to you like a civilized human being here, baby.
We also should all go out that night. Yeah.
No, let's go out to a big dinner. How about this? We go to a nice dinner and Doc is there on a date and we can watch him on the date.
What's the date again? Can we get like, you know... Earbuds.
Earbuds. Earwigs.

December 4th.

We have to tell him what to say.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You're coming.

Oh, hold on.

I might not be able to come.

No, we already checked the schedule because Kalilah's gone to Hawaii.

Damn it.

Fuck!

You're here the whole time.

Damn it.

You're coming.

I'm there.

December 4th.

You gotta come.

Let him show the rest of the email.

There's emails now.

We don't have video...

Whoa!

My name is Ali...

Kelsey, we're gonna have to take a pause. We're just like, I just farted hold on so i'm i want to hear rudy read it as her voice because it's a girl i don't want to read a girl's voice i don't want to do it wrong get closer go ahead rude get real close to the mic like try to be like a girl like a sexy girl go ahead try to be her try to be her try to be her name is ali try to be ali um my name is ali i am Try to be Allie.
My name is Allie. I am a 31-year-old barber in Sacramento, California.
She sounds drunk. Yeah, she's wasted.
Is she on pills? I want a little black magic in my life because I think Doc is the perfect size to walk on my back after a long day in the shop. This fade would always be sharp with me.
Oh, she'll fade you out, baby. And I have strong stems to carry him when his little legs get tired.
Lots of perks here. What do you think, man? Yo, if you fuck this up...
No, stay on the photo, Pete. Oh, yeah, stay on the she's very good looking.
Very good looking. Hey, hey, hey, look at me.
You're welcome, Doc. Yeah, dude.
I mean, fucking not even a thank you. Not even one thank you.
Don't even thank him. Who's the one? I don't need.
Don't thank me. Don't even thank him.
What the fuck? Who's the one that called you to be even on this in the first place? I'm talking about this right now. No, I'm talking about him even being here in this situation.
Who do you fucking thank the most? Thank this whole situation. It'll be you.
Thank you. Just do the photo.
Thank you. Next photo.
No, I want him to assess that situation. Go to the first photo.
God damn it. The same girl? Can he talk about this? The same girl? Yeah.
There's other photos. That's the same girl? all right scroll down let's go down very oh my god beautiful blue eyes look at those eyes dude beautiful look at that i don't want you to have her yeah me neither don't you you want to save some purity look at that little that little hole in her lip is where doc's uh penis could go that's right that's right all right.
She don't even have to move her mouth.

Yeah.

All right,

scroll down to the next picture of this beautiful girl.

Yeah.

This girl's a fucking babe.

She's a babe, dude.

And she cuts hair

and she said she'll fade you out

and she'll fucking line you up

all the time?

And carry you.

You know,

I used to cut hair too.

I cut my own hair.

Don't put that out

in the universe.

Man, I'm feeling it.

You don't feel that?

Everyone be quiet.

Be quiet.

Let him have this.

Be quiet.

That's the energy

of the cosmos right there. Say that again? The energy of the cosmos.
No, but your hair? I cut my own hair. See, that's the, you know what I'm saying? Like, that's- We know.
We know. So the universe is like, we're tired of you messing this up.
Universe is like- So my hair is, that's what we're doing? Is that what we're doing? Oh my God. Is there more photos? Wow.
She's so pretty she's very pretty here's another girl oh my god hi hi bad friends team I'd like to submit myself as a potential suitor for Doc Silverman who the fuck fuck is Doc? Dude, remember Silverman? Oh, that's right. Silverman on the street.
That's Doc Silverman. I'm 24 years old.
That's funny. I'm 5'3", currently employed.
She's too tall, right? Yeah, she's too tall. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
5'3", she'll tower over me. That's what we doing? Yes.
She can post you up at 5'3". I live in Dallas, Texas, But I have a grandmother that lives in LA And I'll be visiting for a month During Christmas I'm open to love anyone Whether that person is black or white Small or big Or autistic or not That needs to be in there Also I've included a photo From Halloween to show Also, I've included a photo from Halloween to show you, and I'm not catfishing you with old pictures, but my Instagram is, what is that? Your girl, your girl, your girl.
Nick-nack. Nick-nack.
Your girl, Nick-nack. Wow.
Wow. Look at her.
An all-American white woman. Not bad.

Cheerleading apple pie.

Five-three.

Five-three. Look at this girl.

She loves, she wants you.

What would your ancestors say right now?

Doc needs some meat.

She's too skinny?

She's too skinny for Doc.

I think she's very pretty.

She's 24.

She's too young.

I can't even do it.

It's like we're trying our fucking best. Scroll down.
All right,'s her Look at how cute she is She's smart Cyber I can't wait to hear that on the is that it hey you do cyber security i used to do mall security we got one something in common yeah from a land far far away there lived a girl listening to every episode of bad friends only because of doc only because of doc jesus christ india uh love you that's what i'm talking about he goes oh indian i love you that's what I'm talking about

he goes oh Indian

I love you

that's what I'm talking about

not to dishonor you guys

I love you too

but this little brown girl

from India

hoping for a

little huge black pole

wow

reasons I should be the one

once you try brown

there's no going back

that's not a phrase

and it doesn't rhyme

love India

red balloon

P.S. read this out loud

on your next episode

I'm a medical student

from India

you guys keep me happy

zoom into the photo

if you can change huge

to standard

then we'd be good

Thank you. Love India, Red Balloon.
P.S. Read this out loud on your next episode.
I'm a medical student from India. You guys keep me happy.

Zoom into the photo. If you can change huge to standard, then we'd be good.

There we go.

Look at her.

Okay.

I'm feeling that.

I'm feeling that.

Like the eyebrows, no filter on the face.

Fly around here.

You know what I'm saying?

All right.

Coming at you from Melbourne, Victoria.

Wait, is there no picture?

No picture?

Move on.

Move on.

Yeah, yeah.

We don't do no picture.

That's straight. Several people have hit me up from Melbourne.
Okay. well, whatever.
Oh, there is a picture with Jess. This is Jess's photos.
Okay. Dude, you're getting fucking babes.
Dude. This is so annoying that Doc is getting all these fucking chicks submitting for him.
This ain't new. Oh, bro.
Feel it. Feel it.
Woo! They felt that. They felt that.
They felt it. Both of them felt that one.
Oh, my God. Put it it on a new doc It's not old either doc It's nothing It was nothing It was nothing until now Now there's people So you say This one's got a little Allie Wong going on Can you zoom in on her face please Yeah Wow Doc Alright She got the wine, too? Okay.
You don't drink. I drink wine? What do you think is in this thermos? Got a little bit of Pinot up in there.
All right, here we go. First of all, thanks for being such a stellar group of peeps.
Recently went through a sixth lockdown here in Melbourne, Australia, and I reckon if I didn't have you dudes to get me through my depresso, it would have been espresso. So thank you.
On to the main subject. DOC.
What a dynamite pocket rocket. You're a little vibrator.
I have no idea if he'd have any interest in doing long distance, but hey, dating is a weird thing anyway, isn't it? So perhaps I'll give it a go because who knows? I suppose I got to do the whole bit about me jargon. I'm Jess.
I'm 30. I have a sister.
Her name is Patsy. She, she's my life and I work at a cinema and a bar.
That's a movie theater doc. So movies and booze and me jam i come from a huge family dad is one of ten and we are burmese oh from burma do you know where burma is i got a picture of a burmese python with me with a burmese python around my neck this is gonna work out yeah make sure make sure you bring that up the energy yeah with the connection with these women in the universe so she's's got that ethnic flair.
Look at what she says right there. She's left-handed.
And then what's after that? And I saw the movie Titan. Oh, my God.
Is that fuck? Is this real? Yeah. Did it just come out? Is that why? Yeah.
Oh, I was like, what the fuck? Whoa, yo, SOF, the most recent gig went to JK Group. Anyway, I've been bombarded with a whole bunch of potential, but just chuck this out there.
If you're a good doc, you're a good egg. Bobo, fire, fire crutchy.
Wouldn't be wanting to help you find this love intensely. The fact that you must have a heart of gold.
Best of luck in your journey. Cheers, bruh.
Jess Matland. What do you think? What do you think of her? I think she's nice.
Okay, which one goes first then? Can we just like hook up with them all and just go from there? Oh my, this guy's getting greedy. Dude, from what he went when he first started on the show to now, it's fucking insane.
All right, give me another one. Give me another one.
Oh, that was the Indian girl. Okay.
Yeah. All right, so check it out.
You've got some potential suitors, Doc. What are you doing over there? Are you on your phone? Yeah, I was trying to find the Burmese with me and a picture of the Burmese.
Doc, we were so over that. Man, I was still feeling it.
I can't tell you how much we don't give a fuck about that. You know what I mean? There's a level.
That's the truest thing he's ever said. I don't give a fuck.
I can't tell you how much we don't give a fuck about that. I get that, but this is about me.
This isn't about you, Eric. This is my time.
This is my time. How is it your time? You had no time.
I didn't just show up. I didn't knock on the door.
Let me have a little glory right here. He's taking my shit away on Black Monday.
Let him have a little bit of glory. On Black Monday, let him have this on Black Monday.
It's Black Monday. I'm all in my feelings.
All right. So, Doc, you can pick eventually.
Okay? Eventually, you can pick. But we'd like some sort of an answer soon because- We like the San Diego girl.
The San Diego is local. The San Diego and- Let's let Eric decide for you then because you're being so fucking evasive.
You're going to the show. You're doing the guest set at Andrew's show.
Minimum 10 minutes and- Because the barbershop girl doesn't live- She lives in Texas, right? Where did live where does she live sacramento sacramento not far at all oh when are you in sacramento i'm not but i mean that's we can pay for her to fly down should we fly oh my god should we fly this girl in and have them have them all come to the show and see and like a like it's a doc dating show and have all these girls but you have to tape it yeah no no not worth it. You don't want to give it.
It's not worth it? No. It's too much money.
For who? You're paying for none of it. No, no, but I don't like my boys.
She's wasting money like that. On the Sims thing.
On the Sims City, yeah. But you don't want to fly this chick in so Doc can be happy? No.
All right, so fine. The San Diego girl is- San Diego is the only- That's what we got.
We got. The Dallas- Hey, she's a cool peeps.
This girl right here. Yeah.
Yeah. All right, dude.
Let's do her. We're linking- No, don't say that.
We're linking it up. Let's date her.
Go out with her. Yeah, we do that.
All right, Doc, look in the camera there and sign us out and say, thanks for being a bad friend on Black Monday. Thanks for being a bad friend on Black Monday.
Thanks for being a first one okay okay good enough also also forgot the name of the show like right mid-sentence like mid-sentence black monday in there so also let's say thank you real fast to our good friend eric riffin who came oh eric i love you so much man thank you so much for being here truly also who does have a great where jules got that's where Jules got that from. Yeah, the bullshit.
Yeah, the bullshit tone.

You know what I mean?

When it gets like, oh, thank you.

You know, now I get it.

But do yourself a favor and watch Riffin with Griffin.

And he's also-

Don't watch it.

You're on King of Sting all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, absolutely watch it.

I love you so much.

Because Griffin's one of the fucking greatest comics out.

You're so talented, man.

You're the best.

We love you.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

I'm a bad friend. We some bad friends.
Yeah, we some bad friend. I heard Santino used to suffer bad acne I'm trying to be a star like Bobby Lee on Mad TV They call me Plato, so welcome to my academy Rappers know less about the world than Bobby knows female anatomy You must be drinking on some whiskey ginger Or you Andrew on Halloween or call me trippy hipster These two things in life are certain Homie I was taught right

Morality is objective

And Brian Cowan doesn't box right

Hey old

This was Scissor Bros Yeah Woo Yeah

Yeah