Rudy & Fancy's Betrayal

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Happy birthday to Jules Juliana.
Why do you have to steal the show? Why do you have to steal the show? You can't just, it can't just be a group thing. Wait, wait, stop.
This is plural. Wait, wait, wait, stop.
Bad friends. I know, stop for a second.
Bad friends, plural. Happy murder.
Can I make a comment before, may I make a comment real quick? Of course, please. It's good to see you, number one.
Great to see you. Had a great time in Mexico with you.
I had, you know what's so funny? Yeah. The best time I had in Mexico was with you, not on stage.
Okay, we'll talk about it in a second, right? But the third thing, if you ever talk to me like that again, I'm going to rip your eyes out. Shit.
All right, so I wasn't trying to be steel focus, right? I just, you know, I get nauseous when I hear the same song over and over again. Okay.
So I try to make it my own. All right, let's do the black version of Happy Birthday.
Oh, yeah, let's do it. You know the black version of Happy Birthday.

What is this fucking song?

No, no.

No, no.

The white version is Happy Birthday.

The black version is Happy Birthday to you.

Look, see, let's talk to you.

Happy Birthday to you.

Happy Birthday to you.

Yeah.

You see what I'm saying?

You feel that, Bobby?

Yeah, and Fancy got a cake. Ooh.
What? From Porto's. Favorite.
Wait, stop, stop. One last thing.
Can I complain about one last thing? What's that? Beautiful cake. I love Porto's, right? But when I just, can I just say something? When I get my cake, can I just, when I get my cake, right? I get it from the Vons.
No, we got her a Porto's cake. I know, but when I get a cake.
Because she's important. She's a beautiful, young, smart, vibrant.
You go straight to some sort of gas station, a.k.a. or CVS, where they're not a bakery, right? They're a pharmacy.
We got your cake from... I get those cakes.
She gets... I said the cheapest.
We didn't even get you Vons. We got you Johns.
I know. I know.
We got you Johns. Yeah.
And the guy who did the naming on it, the spelling, he had cerebral palsy. He couldn't do it right.
I was dead serious. All right.
So your gift is in the mail? What is it? How many times... Stop for a second.
How many times have I told you that the gift is in the mail and the mail always comes and I get you a gift? Just one time. One time.
How about this, Bob? You said you were going to get me a gift for my birthday, which was a month ago. I forgot.
Yeah. I forgot it.
And you said it was in the mail. You lied.
You said the exact same phrase. I 100% lied.
But can I say this? I'm going through a hard time. It was a month ago, my birthday.
I know. I apologize.
My birthday was the last month, too. And guess what? I might not make it.
I might not make it. What? I might not make it.
I know. But if you do make it.
Happy birthday. All right, let me say this.
Two things. One, we had so much fun in Mexico.
Jules, I'm sad you weren't there because you would have loved it and the second show was actually great first show was bad second show was great and two wait and two right behind you we got a tops of Turtle Island amazing and I think it's one of the coolest things I've ever seen can you guys see that on camera yep it's our kid show it's so cool and today's the word is haters. And our special guest is Black Magic Doc.
That's you, Black Magic Doc. Why don't you? Why does Rudy have hair on her face? Well, that's something we wanted to talk to her about.
Yeah, yeah. Honestly, she has hair on her face.
Yeah, well, we're all Muppets. Yeah, but there's no hair here.
This is normal. Why my Muppets look like Emanuel Lewis? You look like Emanuel Lewis.
You 100% look like Emanuel Lewis. That's what it is? Yeah.
Okay, well, I guess so. Well, you're too thin here.
Yeah. You know what I mean? So if it went this way, you know what I mean? But there's not enough, you know.
Canvas. It's just too thin.
I hate it, bro. All right, so first of all, I want to give Rudy my gift.
Because I got you multiple gifts in the receipts at the bottom in case you want to take any of it back. I am never included on all of this.
No problem. I'm so excited.
I went shopping just for you because I saw it. I said, what really is Rudy Rudy? And look what I got you.
Show the camera. Show the camera.
What is it? A black Barbie? Ocean Barbie. Oh, okay.
It's a Barbie that's, she's brown from a part of the ocean. How'd you find Ocean Barbie? I ordered Ocean Barbie, for real.
There's an Ocean one? That's Ocean Barbie. Is she dead in the water? She's like on a...
She swam here. She swam here.
Oh, okay. And what is that? Look at that, a mini little waffle maker.
That's cute. And the last thing is something very just cool.
It's tiny in there. It's a girl thing.
It's a girl thing. it's a jade stone roller to make your to keep your face young what because 20 is pushing it a lot of has one well they're dope and you keep them in the fridge and it feels good on your skin no they're great yeah yeah um can i have what keep your shit young yeah i mean you're fine you're black yeah old old uh old red bones over here so look so check this out ocean barbie she it literally on the back, she swam here.
She swam here and it's nondescript over where she came from. But look, it's a doll line from recycled ocean bound plastic.
So she was cleaning up plastics while she came here. Isn't that cool? So all the lighters I feed the dolphins.
They get made into Barbies. Yeah, yeah, okay.
So when people are like, don't litter in the ocean, you're like, yeah, right, we get Barbies out of it. Right.
I feel like keep littering is how I feel. That's how I feel about it, too.
100%. Yeah.
I'm telling you to keep littering. Love it.
But what race is this, you think? So on the packaging on the back. For some reason, I need to know the race.
But look what it says on the back. What does it say? Look what it says.
What? It says made from recycled ocean, that part? No. recycled ocean that part no scan here for more hey what hey yeah this is where you make up a joke can we do it again can i see yeah you know what it says it says mixed race barbie it said uh unlike most mixed race barbies this time the dad is white and the mom is black i love it when that happens that's what it says it says for her.
The dad is Bill Burr. The dad is either Bill Burr, Robert De Niro.
Or Gary Owen. Or Gary Owen.
Gary Owen. For sure Gary Owen.
I don't even know who he's dating, but for sure Gary Owen. For sure Gary Owen.
So do you like Ocean Barbie? I love it. Awesome.
But you like the waffle maker. You like the waffle maker the most.
Yeah. You make me a waffle Saturday morning or what? Maybe.
Ooh. Throw some shade.
Throw some shade. How was Hawaii Island girl? It was good.
Yeah. Yeah.
You had fun in the sun? Yeah, but I wanted to go to Mexico. Yeah, we wanted you to be there.
And by the way, you know your room, they paid for a room for her and everything. And you know what I found out? She got the fucking ocean view.
I kidding yeah you got a fucking ocean view room we got the jungle view and no one was in her room i said can i switch and they were like no it's for it's for a woman's it's for a female room yeah i never saw nikki all week nikki was there for one night oh she was she was there for one i saw her when she got in with andrew and then they took off she sang taylor swift and went home but we we're really appreciative of the people that came out. That was really cool.
It was so much fun, man. It took a lot of photos and hugged a lot of people.
And it was a real, you know, they would have recognized you too, Doc. Doc, they would have loved it.
Yeah, they would have loved it. And I really believe, Rudy, I mean, Jules, that we saved you from a traumatic experience.
Big time. That first show was traumatic.
It was. It was bad.
It was chaos. But it's okay.
It's okay. No, you know what? You know what? We're warriors.
We're warriors and we stormed right through. No, we, well, first of all, afterwards, the tent afterwards.
Yeah. I have never seen you so sad.
I mean, there was one point where I was just kind of, it was hot.

So I'm just laying there sweating and just

figuring out what the fuck just happened.

Yeah. And I look over to Andrew

and Andrew looked like

Yeah, I had my head straight

down and my hands on my knees. With his hands

down like this. In between my legs.
But it wasn't

like a thinking man. No.
It was more like

I kill myself, man. I kill

myself, man. Yeah, I mean, like it looked

so sad. Yeah, I was very depressed.

And I looked at him like, oh, you alright, man?

Thank you. when you were a kid.
It wasn't like a thinking man. No.
It was more like, I kill myself, man. Fuck.
I kill myself, man. Yeah, I mean, like it looked so sad.
I was very depressed. And I looked at him, I go, you all right, man? And you go, I'm not.
I'm not. Yeah.
We let them down, I kept saying. We definitely, I felt.
How did y'all figure y'all let them down? What happened? Just because the sound. We're professionals, okay, doc? The fucking equipment was broken.
Oh, it wasn't? And they tried to fucking railroad us. Yeah, that's right.
Right? And we survived. We survived.
Right? And then in Saturday when we did the show again, right, we made sure that that was not going to happen again. And it didn't happen.
And it didn't happen. It was amazing.
Okay. So I'm going to tell you something.
We preserved my little man. Right? My little brown man.
I love your face, buddy. Right? Yeah, don't you? And I love James Baldwin.
Do you love him? Fuck is James Baldwin. What does that have to do with that? I just love him.
I like James Baldwin too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like Black Magic

for his name. Black Magic.
Black Magic

is amazing. I like Little Black

Hole.

Little Black Hole for me, it's a fantasy.

It's not

like a sexual thing at all.

Okay. It's more like, you know,

let's just put it this way.

We don't have to cut this out. Oh, shit.
Alright but and i honestly i'm gonna do this do it and god and if you die it would be so sad but if you did okay right right i would go straight to the mortuary okay before they cremated them okay and i would go. Oh, the tush? Not the, I don't want the cheeks.
Just the sleeve? No, just the ring. The sleeve.
Is that what you call it? Well, the ring with the sleeve. I don't want the sleeve.
Just the ring. Just the ring.
Wow. Yeah, yeah.
I would have said sleeve, right? I just want the calamari part. Wow.
Right? And they're going to be like, well, that's weird. We'll just, no, because we cremate it with the rest.

No.

I go, no.

Cut it out like a pumpkin.

Carve it out.

Carve it out like a pumpkin, right?

Is there any way to dry it out so that like.

Oh, my God.

No, let's be real.

Okay, you are.

I'm being very real to you.

Hey, I'm comfortable with real.

They're like, dry out an anal rectum muscle.

I go, you know what?

Just give it to me.

I'll do it at home. Pete is searching, can you dry out an anus and save it? Right.
Now, you might ask why. Yeah, that was just a bad answer.
Yeah, most people would ask why. Were you asking yourself why? Because I saw your face.
I was a little confused. Dry anus ring.
Right. Okay.
It's, number one, a ring. Right.
Right? Probably will probably go around probably tight ring cock ring yeah you think pinky

you're you're let me see you're getting it in there you know you know you know how they do um rings on sets whatever they go they give you that little measure the measure right so you're you think the pinky or you think thumb he's thumb well whoa that's crazy Yeah.

Double thumb.

Double thumb.

Double thumb.

Double thumb.

Double thumb.

Hold on.

Hold on.

That's crazy.

Why am I?

That's crazy.

Why am I thumb, though?

You're double thumb.

I'm double thumb?

You're double thumb. That's crazy.

That's you.

You're double thumb.

I'm double thumb?

You're double thumb.

Okay, double thumb.

You know what yours is?

If they did that, and I went to a science class, and I put it out, and I go, what do you think this is?

And I had it in a little jar.

I think the audience, that's an elephant's asshole.

Like, that's how big it is. Blue whale.
And I'm going to be like, no, not a blue whale. I don't know why.
Don't die. Don't die.
FYI. Yeah, don't die, Doc.
Hey, man, you know, life is what it is, and I'm all right. But do you think they would do that, or no? I think money buys everything.
That's right. If you go in waving money, how much money is worth? You have to ask the family if I'm gone.
Family might not have How much family do you have left, Doc? What do you got? Oh, I got a bunch of people in Detroit. Everybody's there.
Yeah, but we're here. Also, you have all your the bitches, too.
All the bitches. Don't forget the 20,000 bitches that'll be at the funeral.
Okay, all right. Yeah, but Doc, let's get an update on your bitches.
Can we get a bitch update?

A bitches update?

welcome back to kcal evening news we're gonna throw it live to doc in the streets with a bitch update what up doc hey man same old same old dry lands uh out here just struggling in these streets

uh yes still single okay so doc so doc

yeah and i'm not shaming him, right? No, don't. So what you're telling me now, and the information that we've gathered since you've been on the podcast, and we're, dude, ask them.
I always go, is Doc going to be there? We love having you. Right, right, right.
We love both of you. I think you guys create such great chemistry for the show.
Hell yeah, I love y'all, man. But look at me right now, dude.
I'm looking at you. Every time I see you, I feel like throughout my life, you've always had a dry spell.
Oh, right. Right? So I'm wondering, and I believe you.
I want to tell you, I want to tell you, I come from a place of belief. Belief and love.
Right, right. So in 000 bitches yeah right there was there's just i know in my i don't bring it down i'm just playing a high ball i guess that's way i don't want to hurt so high you think that's insane how about 2000 uh yeah that's even that's insane that seems like wait how old are you doc right now doc how old are you 48 48 48 okay 48 let me and how old are you? 48.
48? Just turned 48 now. Okay, 48.
Get it! Andrew, would two feel better? Yeah, dude. Two bitches? 20,000 bitches divided by 48 years? He'd have to fuck 416 girls a year.
There's no way. That's one and a half a day.
He's never even seen 416 people in his life. All right.
So, all right. Okay, 100.
So what years?

I just want to ask because when I write your book, I want to be accurate.

He is writing your bio.

How are you going to write my book?

I'm writing your bio.

For what?

Your life story.

I don't know how, but go ahead.

What do you mean I don't know how?

I fucking type it.

I go to a publishing place.

You don't know shit.

You just know.

I'm asking you now, fuckface. Okay, okay.
All right. All right.
all right. I'm so sorry.
No, sorry. It's your birthday.
I apologize. Dude, this is so funny.
What years were the big years? What were the years that we missed out? The pro years. You're retired now, but when were the years? I'm retired, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. What was the championship run? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me the run. The championship run was 19 years old and ever since then.
19 to now? So when you were 19, 20, 21, that's when that was what your mom was talking about. Yeah.
Yeah. And then you got out to LA.
Got out to LA. And then it just became Sahara Desert.
No, no, dude. It was a thunderstorm of pussy.
Oh, in LA. It was raining on him when he first got here.
I didn't know. Yeah, raining.
Tell me about that. You know more about that.
When Doc first moved to LA. Here we go.
Here we go. When Doc first moved to LA, he had an apartment on what? That was in Westchester.
Westchester. About airport.
Right by the airport. And I'm not kidding.
Flight attendants would fucking line up outside his door just to take a turn. And they would fuck Doc and go right back to the airport to catch their flight out.
Really? That was a common theme. So these kind of conversations were going on probably back then.
Big time. Hey, Sally, where are you going? You just landed.
Are you going to go to the hotel? No, I'm going to get a little black dick. I'm going to get a little black dick.
And that's what she said. I want to get a little black dick.
And they're like, black little, get a big one.

No,

no,

no,

no,

no,

no.

His dick is big.

His human is small.

Oh my bad.

Average.

Can I get average?

Dude,

you're right.

You're right.

You're right.

So the,

so the flight attendants land.

Yeah.

And they,

and they go,

where are you headed?

Sally.

Sally,

where are you going?

And I go,

I'm looking,

I'm looking for little black man with big dick. Do you mean Black Magic? Yeah.
How do you know? I've known Black Magic since I've been running this LA route for 10 years. So you go there too? I go there every single time.
What time's your appointment? 12.30. What time are you? 1.30.
So I get after. We're just going to miss each other.
I know. But can I ask you this? Yeah.
Can you, because sometimes like, you know.

I know what you're going to say.

I know.

I know what you're going to say.

Sometimes it's like, it's always aroused.

Yep.

Always aroused 24 seconds.

Because he's a man.

He's a man.

Right.

But it's like, sometimes it's just the oomph of the burst.

Right.

It's been a little depleted because of people like you.

Yeah.

Well, I've been pulling it all out of him.

I go.

Sucking it all out.

I get early.

I get in there early and I get the big pump. Yeah.
Because by the time you probably get it, it's probably like half and half now. Half, yeah.
Mine's more like almond milk. It's runny.
It's runny. It's a bit runny.
Yeah. It doesn't fuck, okay? Fuck it, yes.
Doc? Yeah, I'm listening. So how are the bitches now, though? Hey, man, it's the old dry lands over here.
Dry lands.

Yeah, right now.

You're giving them something, man.

How do we do this?

Ladies, we tried with the dating app.

Can we please have some people submit?

Fancy, I want to make an email right now today called,

I want a little black magic at gmail.com.

I want a little black magic at gmail.com.

You should work at an ad agency. That's real nice.
That's my next move after this. Yeah.
What did you say? They should be coming in by the droves with that shit you just said. Okay, I want a little black magic at gmail.com.
It's right there. So ladies, send a photo in and reasons why you think you could handle a little black magic.
Yeah. You know what I want to do? I think he's autistic He just doesn't stop I know he doesn't stop Honestly I sometimes think He has no idea what's going on None And he gets quiet at the weirdest time He talks when we're all talking And then when I turn to him He's done Doc we're gonna get you We're gonna get you.
We're we're all talking. I know.
And then when I turn to him, he's done. He's done.
Doc, we're going to get you. We're going to get you.
We're going to get you. I know it's uncomfortable talking about sexual things with you, right? He's not uncomfortable.
I am writing the book. I am writing the book, so I just need a couple more, some more information.
That's okay with you. Yeah, if you want him to write a good book.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your power move in bed what's the power move okay well what's your power move beth rudy cover your ears yeah cover your ears i know you're 20 but 20 years old today by the way we do need to get to that but tell me we'll get to that tell me your power move yeah power move i mean uh i don't know where the power move is i would say uh all of it's a power move.
So it's constant power?

Do you not have levels?

Are you in fucking high gear the whole time?

No, not high gear.

I mean, are you talking about just when you're fucking or are you just talking about when you're...

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's your language in your life, man?

You're just straight to the fucking.

There's a kid here, bud.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

They go straight to the fucking, and then I...

Man, I don't even know what is your power move. No F-bombing what's your power move in a relationship but what is a power move god damn damn dude it's unbelievable it's unbelievable this guy okay he's been surviving all these years without power i know it's crazy yeah they're just all at fucking i mean this is basically what you're getting yeah you're just getting it's just soft oh no see i think he's i think he's a jackhammer yeah so what you're he's a rabbit okay and people wake up like are they doing construction next door and then he's oh i see he's going he's wearing a hard hat right right right there's no girl there no there's no girl there but right like in double dutch a girl just has to jump in front of it while it's he just goes and a girl just has to wait one and a two no he's like that guy he's like that guy painted it all silver right and he's got a bucket in front of him right right and white people walk by he goes scare them because they think that he's a statue yeah yeah yeah Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Let me say this. This is ridiculous.
That's him. There's Doc.
That's Doc right there. There you are, Doc.
By the way, Doc, if this... That's you, Doc.
That's you, bro. Dude, bro.
Honestly, dude, you know what? Let me ask you something. Wait, his name is Black Magic Silverman.
That's Black Magic Silverman right there. I'll just like the Black Magic.

But it's always, notice it's always black guys.

That do this?

That do this.

Yeah, 100%.

But why?

Because they're the best at freezing?

Because who's better at popping and locking than black guys?

The guys black right there?

I've seen them freeze for like an hour.

Well, yeah, because if, I mean, there's enough cops walking by,

they're going to stand up for a moment. That's a time square there's nothing but cops better help hi everybody hey guys we love better help we use it personally ourselves yes is there anything interfering with your happiness andrew or preventing you from achieving your goals this week it's been jewels to be honest with you exactly me too every week Every week for me.
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When you go to babbel.com slash badfriends, that's babbel.com slash bad friends for up to 65% off your subscription babble language for life that's really funny and i'm glad you enjoyed it that's really funny you know what yeah you are a silverman you really are black magic silverman yeah in fact in fact in fact bob yeah i think the next episode we do yeah he's got to come in silver face full body a full body full body with the outfit silver. You're Silverman next time I want you in Silverman.
Also, is there a class he can take? Look that up, PDP, if there's a Silverman class. Silver Street performer class.
I'm not coming in. We're going to pay for it.
We're going to pay for it. We're going to pay for classes.
What the fuck? What? We take care of you. Do we not take care of you? I mean, I don't even know what that means at this point all right we're gonna google how to get you a class on how to be a silverman because i really do i love it how much money do you think you can make as a silverman we'll be the goldman can we be well we are the goldman for sure in this situation yeah and that's got, not even.
We're treading on odd water right now.

Very odd.

All we want you to do is make good money.

I bet you on the streets, Mr. Silverman over here could make a couple hundred a day.

What was the movie with Will Smith, right?

He was a golfer.

Was it a golf movie?

Bagger Vance.

Was he a magical black person in it?

He was magical black, right, Vance?

Right.

Why don't we remake it, but it's a mini.

Oh, my God. A mini golf course.
A putt-putt. A putt-putt, right? We make it part two, right? Yeah.
He's the mini one. The legend of Handbagger Vance.
The smaller version. The smaller version.
The legend of Handbagger Vance. In fact, imagine all the movies we can remake, right, with him in it.
Somebody please take this poster and make Doc in the middle, make Rudy on the right, and make Bobby or me on the fucking gun back, David. Or we do a green mile.
You know the green mile? Oh, Michael Clarke Duncan. Right.
But it's for juveniles. Right? It's a juvie.
Right? So they're smaller. And they're like, he's huge.
Look, that's me. I'm the guard and that's Doc.
And he's huge. So that's going to be you.
What else can we remake? These are both magical black guys. Magical black guys.
I love magical black guys. Well, let's do more black magic movies.
What's another black? Yeah, what's another black magic movie where the man is magical? There's got to be something with Samuel L. Jackson.
There's no doubt he's been a magical black guy. He's got to have been.
I don't think so.

Fancy?

I don't think Samuel L. Jackson has ever been a magical black guy.

Matrix?

No.

Does Morpheus count as a magical black guy?

No.

He's not?

No, he's not a magical.

Because in that world, they all can do it.

Yeah, but he's different.

But he's special.

Yeah, he's special.

He's fucking good.

Morgan Freeman has been God.

Oh, he was God.

Morgan Freeman was God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're going to be, what was the movie called? It was called... Bruce Almighty.
Bruce Almighty. Bruce Almighty.
So he can't be God, dude. We can't let him be God? He can't be God.
What can he be? He can be the God of insects. What? Oh, let me, can I ask you this? That's an interesting idea.
Insects? What the fuck? Can I kind of God as that? Listen to what I'm saying, okay? I can't wait for fans to Photoshop your head. If we're all dead, right? If everything dies, like our dogs, cats, animals, everything, right?

Do they have a place to go?

Are they going to the same place we are, heaven?

All dogs go to heaven?

You've never seen that movie?

All right.

So what I'm saying is there's insects then as well, then, or no?

Of course.

Right.

Of course.

So maybe you're not God, but you work for God and you run the insect department. Right.
Okay. Okay.
What do you say to the crickets that come in? Yeah. What do you say? Here I am.
I'm a cricket. I just died.
Yeah, yeah. I'm a cricket and I got run over by a lawnmower.
Yeah. What do you say? What do you say to me? I say to you, man, welcome and we love you a lot.
And I don't know what you're saying. But if you you don't even talk English right what of course I speak English I fucking Nathan I died in Southern California I live in Alhambra Nathan the Cricket he's got 40,000 fucking followers on Instagram dude I'm huge on the gram how do you not fucking know who I am I don't know hey man are you a fucking god or what's going on no god's over there the taller black guy oh i'll go to him yeah yeah yeah go to him this guy's just i'm just a notary of some shit like that can you imagine if you get to heaven and god is like i have a job for you and you're like oh my god he's like you're cleaning up you're the maintenance boy of heaven here's a mop you have to clean heaven that's because you just got in but you weren't good enough to like actually kick it in heaven like you were kind of bad but kind of good and like you got to do janitorial shit in heaven because who's cleaning up wait wait now we have to get to what's in heaven what is in heaven right clouds yeah well i think clouds are just accoutrement i i don't think there's eating you don't think you get to eat that's like one of my favorite fucking i know but you're not hungry no you're not hungry but you have it but you get to eat yeah there's a buffet but you know who goes there all right fine that's fine what if i want a tray for something so what you're saying is is that there's a toilet i mean if there's no toilet, I'm just saying to clean heaven.

You got to clean up.

How is it so white if no one's cleaning it up?

That's a good point.

Stuff's going to get dirty.

Stuff's got to get dirty, right?

I never thought of it that way, my friend.

So I just feel like there's a job for you up there.

A job?

Well, they're going to give them something.

They're going to just go sit on that cloud for eternity.

Yeah, you got to do something up there.

What would you want to do in heaven? You don't think they'd do something heaven? What would you want to do in heaven? Maybe play soccer a little bit. Can you play soccer? No, that's what I want to play.
Oh, you think when you get up there, you get all the powers that you never had? Doc wakes up and he thinks he's full size up there. And he's like, what if I could dunk? That's funny.
And then he sees everyone else is still bigger than him. yeah he would probably go to a section don't you think he would go to a section at heaven yeah what section they're like you over there and like Brad Williams Brad Williams you know what I mean Doc you're going to be in regular heaven just like all of us yeah you will you're going to.
I feel it. I feel it.
Little black wings. My little black magic man, you will be.
Just looking. I'm going to shift a little focus real fast.
Real fast. Rudy Jules.
Happy birthday. Pull the mic near your face and happy birthday.
Thank you to Andrew. I'm so happy that you are one year older.
I can't believe we started this show and you were 18. That's insane.
That's insane to me. We watched our change two years.
Have you grown as a person on the show? Maybe. I think I'm more confident.
I do agree with that. What else do you think you gained from doing the show? I can scream more at you to Bobby.
That's true. You get away with a little bit more for sure.
What else? I can scream a little bit more at you. Yeah, that's also true.

You know what?

The way you talk to him is different.

I like that.

Yeah.

Because you used to be so scared of him.

So scared.

Yeah.

Yell at me right now.

Do it.

Do it.

Fuck you.

Oh, really?

Oh, really?

Yeah.

That's it?

Give it to me.

Fuck you.

Oh, come on.

No more.

No more?

No more.

Say something to me.

Oh, no.

Well, that's easier.

Let me move over.

Tito Bobby.

Yeah.

I love you.

Aw.

I love you.

I love you too.

Aw. See.
Hey. But she betrayed you last night.
Wait, what happened? Last night she cheated on both of you. Wait, what? What did you do? What do you mean? She did.
Do you not know that? What the fuck are you talking? You don't know what she did last night? What did you do last night? She cheated on us. What does that even mean? I don't understand what you're saying.
She did Jeremiah Watkins podcast. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

What?

I went to Scissor Bros.

But not only me.

Andres went too.

What the fuck?

You went to fucking Scissor Bros, fancy?

I was just making sure Rudy wasn't jumping shit.

Dude, Spanish people are so- Weasels.

Weasels.

Yeah. He was on the show.
And here he is. I just made sure Rudy was okay.
Dude, Spanish people are so- Weasels. Weasels.
Yeah.

He was on the show, and here he is.

Ayos, may he show Rudy was okay.

Dude, you're a liar.

He's a liar.

Was he on camera?

Rudy won't lie.

Was he on camera?

And he was on the mic.

You piece of fucking shit.

That is so fucking gross to me.

That's disgusting, dude.

When a producer tries to fucking chisel his way into fucking screen time, it makes me sick to my fucking stomach. You know what? He's leaving the camera in the edit.
He's going to leave it on him this whole time that we've been saying this. Have you noticed, though? Because I've been watching the videos.
He gives himself so much air time. So much screen time.
Yeah, it'll just be him going like this. Right.
The whole time. And did you see him in fucking Mexico? Oh, bro.
Oh, my. You would think that fucking, like, you know, Brad Pitt was there.
Yeah. He was, hey, everybody.
Hey, everybody. I know.
Hey, who want to take a picture? He would ask. Yeah, yeah.
Who want to take pictures? He would ask. Form a line.
Form a line. Form a line.
Form a line. Form a line.
Form a line. Form a line.
Mira, mira, mira, mira, mira. And then George was like, you know what? This is a good clue, right? George would say stuff like, I just let him have it.
He's kind of like broken. You know what I mean? Like let it go.
He knows who won. Correct.
Right? He's fine. He's not fine.
You could see his face. You could tell George was so bothered by it.
It's killing him. Hey, Andreas.
Eres mi compa. Mi compadre.
Ooh. You know what he said, fans? Español spit.
What'd he say? You're my friend, my colleague, my brother in arms. You're saying no.
You didn't know I speak a little bit of Español, huh? Do you think this little one, this guy right here, we could do an offshoot podcast? Of him and who? Somebody else. Maybe these two or somebody, you know what I mean? Maybe we can do an offshoot.
I'm annoyed that that we got stepped on by you guys went to scissor bros what were you there the whole episode yeah wow how'd it go it was fun what not fun like this she doesn't have fun here so by her saying i had fun there she doesn't have fun here right right is saying basically saying I prefer that no okay that's what she's saying well then let's let's call it let's call a spade a spade sorry what does that mean sorry Doc sorry Doc nothing's taken I don't know what the fuck let's call a spade a spade keep that down you can go to Scissor Bros if you want to be released. Do you want to be released? Maybe.
They're more sweet. Wow.
What's true? Fuck. You can be aggressive.
That's insane. You can be aggressive.
You can be aggressive. And I'm going to admit that.
I'm going to admit it as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I got to call these scumbags right now. All right.
This pissed pissing me. This pisses me right off, bud.

Pissed me right off, this scumbag.

Stealing you guys?

And fancy?

I said some nice shit to you this weekend.

You're on my fucking... How do you say poop in Spanish?

Caca?

Caca.

You're on my caca list.

Caca.

Fucking...

He's probably taking care of his baby.

Merda.

Merda.

Merda is shit.

Merda.

That's what they say.

Jeremiah Watkins, you reached me on my cell phone.

Leave me a message and I'll get back to you as I can. Lay into one.
Hey man, it's Santino. I saw what you did.
I saw what you did stealing Rudy and Fancy B. And I gotta tell you something, bud.
If you care about your family, you better watch your fucking back, buddy.

You better watch your skinny little fucking white piece of shit back, my friend, because what you did was fucking war.

War.

And you want to fuck with the fucking armada, bro?

You want to fuck with the armada, bitch?

You don't have enough weapons in your arsenal.

It's fucking over, bud.

It's over!

All right.

Let's see how that's received. Show Bobby the picture that you just sent me.
What is it? Unbelievable. Holy shit.
Wait, wait, wait. Zoom in.
Zoom into that. What the fuck is that? Okay.
That's my brother. That's my brother.
And that's you. It's pretty close.
It's pretty close. Yeah, it's pretty close.
and they try to you actually look like a hot Korean girl like those tits he's got nice tits on wait wait does he have a fat suit on I think it just looks like tits he's like holding up his tits right am I wrong he made a fat suit yep that's not a fat suit that's tits. Right? Am I wrong?

He made a fat suit, yep.

That's not a fat suit.

That's tits.

And his hair is beautiful.

That's like someone's extensions that he knows.

You know, it's funny how they just steal.

Steal.

They just steal.

Look up.

Can you send them an article about plagiarism?

Yeah. The definition may be.
Yeah, it's illegal. It's illegal what they're doing.
This is nuts. This is crazy.
They stole our fonts. Remember they stole- Yes, dude.
They stole everything. Yeah.
Is this more photos? And he's my brother, and so I'm just letting it go. Oh, shit.
You're letting it go? So he looks like Tino, and then he looks like you. That's what's going on here? Yeah.
Fuck! Did you see that, Jules?

I know. Fucking crazy.
Doc, it's just so

behind the eight ball. And look at that.
You know who that is?

This is a fucking picture, though. Do you know who that is?

That's Doc.

That's supposed to be Doc.

That's supposed to be Doc.

The brown cloak.

The brown cloak.

What's going on there, Jules? Are you okay?

Are you cold? Are you Mayan? What the fuck is going on here? Oh, there's a clip. Oh, start the clip over.
Hold on. Start over, please.
Let's hear it. Here we go.
Oh, they'd be holding you captive? Go ahead. Yeah.
On my birthday and they won't let me go until everybody from Bad Friends subscribes. Okay.
Well, Steve's into it. Whenever you're ready, look right into that camera over there.
God, this piece of shit. The Scissor Bros have captured me, and they won't let me go unless everyone from Bad Friends, Bad Friends fans will subscribe to their show.
But they seem sweet, unlike Tito Bobby and Tito Andrew. So maybe you should do it.
Give me back the fucking Barbie. Give me back the fucking Ocean.
Why? You provide those lines. And you know what? And I want the fucking waffle maker back now.
No, no. Keep the waffle maker.
Well, you can keep it. I want to eat.
Yeah, you can have it. Yeah, yeah.
I'll take the waffle maker, but it's yours. Happy birthday.
So that to you that worked very well give him the barbie give him the barbie where's my gift what was that what was that you kowtowed to the fucking arch nemesis the enemies and she improvises most of the lines like she was coached a little bit but but she added things about you guys. She improvises too there? Yep.
I'm actually livid right now. I know you are.
I'm down to breathe. Papa gets upset.
I know, buddy, buddy. Look at me right now, dude.
Not everyone is a good person like you. That's right.
A lot of young people from a different country. Yep.
Right? They have a different ethics and a different code of doing things. Yeah.
You know, back in some countries, you know, if an old lady's crossing the street, you know what I mean? And she's struggling to get there. In some countries, they just push them on the middle of the road.
Yeah, yeah. You know? Whereas you, you help them.
I help them. Yeah.
I help them up. And then you go, you want to see my baseball game? You know how white people love to.
Yeah.

I said, you want to go to the park?

Yeah, the park.

I have a tuna fish sandwich.

You want to go to the park?

Right, right, right.

But you.

Yeah.

You push them down.

You push them down.

Side note.

This is not.

I'm not making fun of this.

What?

A man on set today fell down a bunch of stairs.

Yeah.

And I first was extremely worried.

I go, oh my God.

Yeah.

But I saw he was fine.

And I laughed.

You laughed hard. Oh my God.
I laugh hard oh my god like was he laughing no yeah but we were i know because he was okay yeah it's not funny if someone gets hurt yeah but as soon as someone's okay you're like it's okay i laughed at somebody hurt what me and clella did i laughed more though when we were first shopping around for houses, there was a man, older man. How old are we talking? 70.
You don't know with them. 70.
So 106 maybe? Or 12. Yeah.
You never know. So he was like, yeah.
So this is where you whine and dine people. And he was going back, like walking backwards.
Right? And we're like, thank you. And all of a sudden you know, let's see our eyes is a screen.
Like a frame. Like a frame, right? He fell out of frame.
Oh, shit. And he's on now concrete.
Oh, fuck. Yeah.
On his back. Right? Like this.
Right? At first, he starts shaking a little bit. We thought, oh my god, he's even fucking.
What's so funny? I'm just trying to. But we didn't help him up because we just couldn't stop laughing.
Like, we were like. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did he laugh? Well, when he gained like some sort of consciousness. Yeah, when he came to.
He was like, oh, the silly me. You know what I mean? I've been touring around this house for a couple of and you know because it's been available for a couple years right right i should know all these little nicks and cravices or whatever yeah is he of a concussion he died oh no he's a liar i love falling though well rudy i'm sorry that you've decided that scissor bros is more important than Friends.
But whatever, man. You have anything to say for yourself at all? I'm not sorry.
Wow. Yeah.
It was fun. Yeah.
And I liked it. Good.
Is there anything that you could recommend us to watch? A movie?

Got a real star-studded event in this room tonight.

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To get 15% off your first order, and 100% satisfaction guarantee go to me undies.com slash bad friends that's me undies.com slash bad friends got a bunch of real fucking a plus we brought out some really good shit this episode and we're just letting her drive the train right off the fucking tracks like in back to the future when that train is going to go back in time she just never broke the mileage right off the edge of the fucking bridge. Yeah, I've never seen like...
That's what she does. Pull up a video of a train crashing off a bridge.
If that was a scene in a movie like she just went off, right? Yeah. The director wouldn't even say cut.
He would just like, they would just reset. Yeah, they'd just go, reset, reset, reset, reset.
Stop, stop, stop, reset. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, you don't even get an official cut. You just get reset.
This is insane.

This is chaos.

Just a solid reset.

Dude, a guy took his shirt off on the fucking set today.

This guy.

You want to talk more about the TV show that you're on?

No, no.

I feel like you want to, so it's like you grunted out twice.

You're on TV show FX with the guy.

It's not that show.

I just did a one-off episode.

Oh, that's right.

You did.

Can I mention what you did?

Sure, it's fine.

Right, he did This Is Us.

This Is Us on NBC. You know what that show is? Okay.
Big show. Big show.
Big show. But the guy that took off his shirt was so fucking hot.
Yeah. It was like, it really bummed me out.
Dude. Because I'm getting older and fatter and I go to the gym but it's not the same and this guy, his skin was so smooth and he he turned, he had a really nice smile.
And I was like, fuck you, man. Fuck you, you fucking hot guy.
And then he put his shirt back on. And you could still, you know you're a hot guy when you can still see how nice your body is with the shirt on.
Yeah. Look at us.
Bro. Look at that fucking.
Look at that Arsenal jersey. Sex and the City, right? Yeah.
I'm on it with somebody's love interest, which is a guy, right? Yeah. And he is perfection.
Just stunning. From top to bottom.
Right. Like if you look at his nails.
Oh. What do you mean? No, he's got manicured nails, doesn't he? That really turns you on, huh? Yeah.
I can tell. It's hot.
That really affected you. It is hot.
You looked at his nails. They look like a plastic hand.
Not a –'s no what do you use that little sucker that comes out a little stick a little hangnail hang i get those all the time those are the fucking work look at my shit hands they're cracked they're bloody this nail right here has nine colors going on yeah that's a rainbow nail that's a real and sometimes because we're at a desk he'll put his hand next to my rainbow finger

what

if he puts his

hand down I'm like fuck that I'm not on camera

I don't want him to see

we don't compare

what is this a picture of us in Hawaii in love

why would you fucking put that

on there because I'm fat

that's the fattest fucking photo I've ever seen

time out

Pete

is this you taking a shot at Bobby

I thought it was relevant

Thank you. That's the fattest fucking photo I've ever seen Time out Pete Pete Pete Yes Is this you taking a shot at Bobby? I thought it was relevant Oh boy I thought it was relevant Bob So look at me Our fucking Our Let me just Go ahead Okay Fire away This dude Was at my house earlier Petey Petey? Yeah.
And he sweated only from his titties. Are you on camera right now, Pete? Okay, so.
Show your tits wet. I want to.
No, no. It's gone now.
No, it's not here now. Yeah, yeah.
But before, he was in my garage, right? Yeah. And he had cone tits.
And on the top, it was wet. But but not just like wet you could tell it was growing like a wet t-shirt contest yeah but it was like there was some sort of like mechanism mechanism that was making the wet spot grow oh and i go you fat fuck disgusting piece of shit something like that right good morning to you yeah it the morning.
It was good morning to you, fat fucking sweating piece of shit.

What did he say?

What did you say? He just giggles like a fucking coward.

But is this the attack on me from today?

I feel like that's what this is.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is retaliation.

I apologize then.

Can you take that off?

Okay.

Can you do something real fast?

Can you zoom in on my left calf there?

Let's just daddy.

Daddy.

You have girl legs, you tend those are nice legs no that's the most honest I have nice legs you've ever said and I'm proud of you I have nice legs he's got girl legs these are nice legs thank you so much Jules I got nice thicky daddy in my cake in fact if you were an Avenger you would get another actor to do the next. Would I be Toothpick? They would get a body double for your legs.
Well, I'd never be Avenger. You know why? Because you're redheaded? Because I'm redheaded.
No, but you could be one that's on fire. Oh, no.
What's her name? What's redheaded? Who? Star. Yeah, Hot Girl.
Oh, okay. You're not getting into fucking Avengers either, pal.
Wait a minute. Ither is black panther available black pan you mean you mean black alley cat this guy can fucking black panther there we go dude black alley cat yeah what do you think dude I think uh it doesn't have enough and his claws are like you know what would what would his claws be? Hey, Black Alley Cat.

And the tag for the movie is Don't Stray Too Far From Home.

There it is right there. There you are, dude.

There you are, dude.

Oh, that sucks.

That is just.

Black Panther.

Could you imagine?

That's like the RuPaul of X-Men right there.

That ain't even fucking that guy.

Dude, I know, but imagine.

Can I honestly, literally honestly think, if you buy a ticket, what are they, $18 now? It's like $25. $25, right? So you wait in line, right? What if it's a surprise? They don't even tell you.
You think it's, is it Idris Elba? Who knows? Who knows? We're not going to announce. Right.
Movie comes on, right? And you and I are sitting, we have our popcorn, right? We're doing a Wakanda. We're a Wakanda, right? We're crossing.
And he comes out, right? This little ball of a thing. Right.
He's like that hedgehog. Sonic.
Yeah, yeah. He just starts rolling right into the thing, right? As soon as he pops and we see a full body of...
People would die in the audience.

They would laugh so hard.

People would literally...

No, honestly.

You would need medical people there.

I would be like...

I would laugh so fucking hard.

It would be the best movie ever made.

But what would be my superpower?

You never saw Black Panther?

You didn't see Black Panther?

Yeah. No, you didn't black panther you didn't see black panther yeah yeah no no you didn't no you didn't bobby no no no you didn't bobby no you didn't i felt at the moment this is so dude how did you not see fucking black panther i saw it i just okay what's the plot of the movie yeah what's the plot what's the plot of the film where does he live like what's the land that you You know.
I saw it. I just.
Okay. What's the plot of the movie? Yeah.
What's the plot?

What's the plot of the film?

Where does he live?

Like what's the land that, you know, you know, I saw the movie once.

I know it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What is it?

What is it?

Well, Wakanda.

Jules.

Jules.

You already fucking abandoned the show.

I just saw you fucking sink, you bitch.

I didn't say anything. Don't ever say that again.

We're taking away that happy birthday.

Okay.

I'll give you another part of the movie. Okay.
Give it to us. Give me another part in the movie.
When they were fighting. Fucking, hey, when they was fucking fighting, that was nice.
When the cars and shit. You never saw it.
You never saw it. I can't believe you never saw it.
What's a move that he does? Yep. He kicks.
Okay, that's enough. Holy fuck, God.
It's such a sad thing. How about this? Name one more person in the movie.
How about, name anybody in the movie. What am I saying? Who is Black Panther? Holy shit.
Man, hold on, man. Where is he? Now, why are they doing, why are they using a different actor? Rudy! Oh, he passed away.
I just heard you say he died. We have the audio on the mic.
I have ears, bitch. I know Chad died.
That I do know. Did you not know he was Black Panther? Yeah.
I don't think so. Who else is in the movie? There was a lot of people in the movie Name one other actor And then we'll stop asking Yeah yeah yeah Don Cheadle Yeah Was Don Cheadle in it? No He was in Avengers Yeah yeah he was in Avengers But remember when they came back There was no scene with Don Cheadle in Black Panther But you did make me think about it for a second I was like fuck did he pop in No he didn't Fancy he's not in right Anyway doc I don't know what you're trying to do right now I really don't know what you're fucking trying to do You never fucking saw the fucking movie I have an idea You know how they do mystery science theater Where they watch movies a minute they had crack selling in black panther remember when it was in an apartment when he lived in apartment buildings okay fuck it maybe maybe i need to watch you think they threw a crack selling scene in black panther do you really yeah yeah it was a part where oh yeah when they were in the crack house and they were smoking oh yeah oh yes wait captain america yes right yes because they were fighting they were tired they were walking by and like in wakanda in wakanda they have crack houses i'm sure i remember and black panther was like nah right check it out and then they yeah yeah yeah you know what can you just google can you google um uh black that should come right up.
No, it's not. That should come right up when they smoke rock in Black...
You know, remember when it was in the hood in the apartment building? Oh. You know what? Andrew.
I remember the scene now. Are you being real? There it is right there.
The third slide in. That was Black Panther.
I remember that. I remember that.
I do remember that scene. That was a 45 minute scene.
It was so long her smoking black panther yeah no shit there's another scene there's another scene there's black panther smoking crack out of a fucking coke can coke can that's why in wakanda you see all those coke cans littered across the ground they were all crack yeah okay uh doc no no there's no crack scenes in fucking but not a crack scene but there's like like a fuck when they're in the hood. Fancy, is any of this real? When his father get killed.
The very beginning opens in the Bronx. No one smoking crack.
But no one smoking crack. But I didn't say they were smoking crack.
Not even cigarettes. You didn't say crack at all during this? Maybe I did, but I'm just saying.
You definitely did. Okay, well, fuck.
I just don't remember the movie. Don't shut the fuck don't shut the fuck up then, man.
This is what we're going to do. Like, Mystery Science Theater does, they watch movies.
We as a family are going to watch Black Panther together. Together.
Yes. Because you need to fucking, you need to get a chunk of that for your own lifestyle.
I saw the goddamn movie. I feel like if we watch the movie with him, that we're going to end up explaining scenes to him.
Oh, yeah. And I don't want to do that.
That's true. That's a fucking, you know to do that that's a fucking you know i saw the movie fellas you know i just explained to y'all the goddamn fight scene with the cars remember yeah wait a minute it was under the bridge oh so have you been playing that you don't know what's going on are you doing a good job of playing what no i'm a very confused boy right now you don't say anything you don't say anything right now are you pulling some fucking black magic on me right now he's doing one of his black magic shut the fuck up for a second thank you for being here let me talk to Andrew for a second can we have a moment I think we're dealing with somebody that has a mental thing that we're not privy to either Oh.
Right? Either it's a condition that we're not privy to, because we don't have his medical records. I don't know.
Yeah, that's right. There have been signs when I've hung up with them where I went, that's weird.
That's very weird. Yeah, why would he do that? You know what I mean? Even from being here, right? Like the bitches thing.
the It's crazy. And a lot of crack stuff.

A lot of crack stuff.

So the bitches,

the crack.

Yeah.

He seems to be a guy

that's never seen

anything.

What is that?

Anything.

Unless maybe he's seen it.

He doesn't understand it.

He doesn't understand it.

Yeah.

Is this a documentary?

Right?

And it's like Black Panther.

And people around him

are like,

what?

You know what I mean? But so we, you know, we have to be a little bit nicer then to him. I don't think so.
No? No. Okay.
What I want to do is I want to be so mean that he has to find a professional to give him some sort of medication. Okay.
Let's address it. Okay.
What's wrong with these two? There's nothing wrong with us, man. Okay.
We're concerned friends. We're just concerned.
And we love you. Hey, man, I just forgot how the movie goes.
That's true. Is it? That's true.
It's just simple. That's true, dude.
You know what? Yeah. I take it back.
I take it back. You've seen Black Panther.
You've seen Black Panther. I've seen it.
Yeah. I just told you about the goddamn fight scene.
What's been going on, Doc? What's been going on in your life, though, that share? Because I do want to know what's up in your life. Okay, this is the game, right? So this is how your boy Doc is.
All right? I work in the morning. Where at? At Amazon.
Okay. Oh, can we say that? At the Whole Foods.
I don't know. Whatever.
Wait, can we say? Yeah, you can. Yeah, yeah.
Wait, wait. You work at the Whole Foods for amazon they they own them no i work for amazon but he owns whole he owns whole foods he bought them last year or two years ago yeah 2017 now so i split up my shifts so that i can audition hopefully if i get an audition in the afternoon so i work from six i either work from five six or four in the morning to eight nine or

ten then i wait around to see if i got an audition or if i got one in advance then i work on it then i go back to work at four right and i get off at eight so now after eight i have like a 99 year old-old aunt, right? So after that-

Oh, my God, this is the real shit.

This is the real shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So she has dementia, and she's like, hey, can you call me every day?

So every day I get off work, I try to call her after work.

Your mom's sister?

No, it's my mom's mother's sister.

It's my great aunt.

Great auntie.

Your great auntie.

That's auntie at that point.

That's auntie.

Yeah, I call auntie.

Yeah, that's auntie.

She's 99? That's what I do. 99? Yeah, so that's my best.
When she answers the phone, does she know who you are right away or no? Yeah, yeah. She's not bad.
Her dementia ain't bad to where she's not. Wait a minute.
99 years old. About to be 100, January 12th.
Go auntie, you're doing it. I'm going to bring you a little drink and we're going to do it.
She's not watching the show. Okay, my bad.
But just in case. The chance of auntie watching this show.
Yeah. By the way it she's not watching the show okay but just in case the chance of auntie watching this show yeah by the way if auntie is watching the show yeah that's him join us because we're kicking out this brown one we need a new brown yeah yeah we need a new brown but y'all felt it though right bro you call her every day she has dementia and then do you have to like re-explain because i have to like well it's the same stories over and over but what i do is what I do is I just let her talk for two, three hours.
Oh, you're a good guy. Then I go to sleep.
And then I do the same thing every day. So I don't have too much time.
Can you give us some of the stories? Yeah, that's exactly what Doc's schedule is. Let's talk about his life.
I can see your face. There's concern.
I am concerned a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, be honest. Is there concern? Because I love Doc.
I love the guy. I love this guy.
I just feel like the amount of talent that you have and likability that we can maybe trim some of this work down and try to figure out, what are you doing? I'm about to show you something. If it's a fucking dick pic, dude, that's so not appropriate.
He did that the face. You can't just bring up Black Magic on the show.
Yeah, yeah. What is it? Okay, now.
Here we go. Y'all ready? Yeah.
Yeah, man. Okay.
So see these little... That's my alarm app.
So I watch her to see what's going on. So I keep checking up on her.
What is she up to? Can I see? Is it live now? Oh, it's live? Yeah, it's live. Yeah, yeah.
So what if she's changing and stuff now That's what I'm saying. It's recorded.
That's what I want to show you. I'll show you that.
What if she's doing something like? So see how she's walking right there with her little walker right there? That's fine, bro. I love that.
God bless Anthea. God bless her.
So wait, Doc, that's so sweet. You watch her through the camera to make sure she's okay.
Yeah, to make sure she's okay. Where does she live? If she falls here or something, I need to see.
How far are you from her? What can you do? If she falls, what can you do? Nothing, but I can call. You can call 911.
I can call 911. Oh, you can call 911.
Or I can call 911. If she fell over, would you laugh a little or no? No.
Well, Bobby, boy, you're going to hell. That right there.
I can feel it. Don't worry.
Just a little? Okay. Why do you think I hit the cross when she's laughing? Hey, Doc, she has a walker, Doc? Yeah.

Do you cut the tennis balls for her?

Do I what?

Did you cut the tennis balls for her?

She don't have tennis balls on her.

Everyone has the tennis balls on those fucking things.

I love the tennis balls.

Not her.

Does she have wheels on the front instead?

Yeah, wheels.

See, that's wheels are a little dangerous.

Where does she live, LA?

Detroit.

Oh.

So that's why I do this.

So there's nothing you could do physically.

Look who's fucking calling me.

No, so I just try to like.

Okay, answer it.

Sorry, I know you're Nana.

Sorry.

Bobby, you talk.

Ready?

Hello?

Hello?

Yeah.

Hey, what's up?

What's up, Thievi?

What's up, Thievi?

I just got your voicemail.

What's up, Thievi?

What's up? Thievi? Huh? You're a thief? Thief? Yeah, you're a Thievey? Is this Bob or Santino? It's Bobby. Oh, hey, Bobby.
Hey, man. So, uh, you like to steal, or? We heard what you fucking did, dude.
You stole our guys. You stole our fucking guys.
You stole our guys. You stole our outfits.
Right? You stole our energy, dude. You stole our energy for sure.
Our vibe. And then you're trying to steal our audience? Oh, that burns.
Yeah, dude. And what are you gonna do about it? Oh, fuck, dude.
See what he's doing? You're treading on thin ice, pal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're treading on thin ice. You're not gonna do anythingading on thin ice you know what because we treat them nicer than you treat them yeah okay okay you know i'll tell you something pal i know you're coming up in the world and i'm really proud of you i really am and congratulations on the baby and stuff do you hear me thank you yeah yeah and i think that you're really talented in this and that but i just want to say this, though.
Andrew and I know people that you don't know. So you crawled up this business.
You know, I know Dave Rath. I know all these people, right? Right.
But it's like at the end of the day, dude, we know people you don't know. And people that I can make a phone call, right, and make it very difficult for you.
Oops. Oopsie daisy.
Oopsie daisy, bud. Oopsie.
Are you threatening my livelihood? I'm not threatening your livelihood. I'm just giving you facts.
Facts. You dumb white piece of shit.
Why do you got to bring white into it, huh? You piece of fuck. You get more white stuff.
You Asian warlord, huh? Asian warlord is a slam. That's a fucking compliment from what I come from.
Warlord? Thank you. I own all this shit.
That's exactly right. Anyway, what's up? Hello? Yeah, no, I'm listening.
Yeah, you better be fucking listening, pal. Let me tell you something.
How does it feel? You look like you have hiv, but you don't have it does it feel you look like you have hiv but you don't have it dude you look like you started sars what are you talking about that hurt that slam that fucking hurt that fucking hurt first of all dude it was the asian bird flu not sars get your fucking diseases right yeah bub okay yeah and let me tell you something Okay go ahead. Rip on him, too! Let me tell you something here.
Let me tell you something, Swine Flu. There we go.
That's your name, Swine Flu. Swine Flu.
Because you're a fat, porky pig. You're a fat...
No, him. You're a freaking potato famine AIDS pig.
Oh, shit. You know, let me tell you something.
You Northern European socialist piece of shit okay you fucking everybody deserves equal pay you're a fucking turd pal and we're gonna hunt you down we're gonna hunt you down and we're gonna shave your head you know that fucking little hairdo that you got going on it's gone oh yeah you're but yeah we're gonna swoop in and fuck your shit up dude hang up now hang up now i'm hanging up now because and i'm only telling you that because I think it's rude to do otherwise. Yeah, you're being polite still, you bitch.
Yeah, you know why I'm being polite, pal? You know why I'm being polite, pal? Yeah, yeah. Because your fucking wife and baby are there, but otherwise, buddy.
I'm calling Steve. Otherwise, buddy.
I'm calling Steve. You're fucked.
I'm not in right now, so leave a message. He never picks up.
He never picks up.

I'm going to text him right now.

Call me now.

Fuck.

So,

son of a fucking bitch.

He's a weasel,

and we're going to bury him.

Weasel.

We're going to bury him.

Weasel, dude.

I cannot believe he would do that shit.

Ooh,

that makes me sick in my fucking stomach.

He's a little rat,

and you know what's so funny?

If he was here, he would melt because he'd be fucking pissing and sweating and shitting in his fucking pants this piece of shit why doesn't he pick up his fucking phone and can i say this too please right she right and andreas they're it they're on to something and they're doing something behind our backs oh i know what it is, right? Yeah, I know. And we got to figure out what that is.

But this thing is melting and I want to fucking eat it.

Eat it.

So can we get a slice of this?

Give me a fucking slice of this.

How good does this look?

Put your arm away from her.

Look what he's doing.

Look what he's doing.

Whoa.

No, no, no.

No, no.

Put your arm away.

What are you doing?

What you guys are jealous?

No.

Bro.

What the fuck is going on here? What is going on here? Doc, what are you doing? I got friends. I got fucking friends.
Oh, my God. I think he's smoking crap right now.
Are you smoking crap? Yeah. All right, let's cut up some of this cake.
Yeah, give me the cake. What's the matter? What's the matter? Doc? Love that guy.
Fucking love him. Hey, no, no, no.
You're not fucking going anywhere come behind me real fast come behind me love you Andreas come sit here or come right here put your fucking head right behind the gong real fast you too George back there so let me tell you he hasn't gotten it yet I was there only for five minutes. What? Rudy was there the whole time.
Okay. Fancy.
Who treated you the best in Cancun? Rudy. Okay.
Who loves you the most of this whole show? Rudy. You.
Wow. Okay.
Me. Me.
You. Yeah.
You went behind my back and I trusted you. We had a pact.
We had a pact. Yeah.
And you went behind my back. So you know what this means, right? Yes.
Yeah, you do. I'm going to cut the cake for you.
You're fucking right. You're going to cut the goddamn cake.
You're going to give a good slice too. Cut the fucking cake.
And you're going to give Bobby a big fucking slice? No, no, no. Just a slice.
I want one piece of every fruit that's on top of it. That's what he wants.
Wow. One little piece.
And I memorized every, even that lychee fruit up there. The lychee, lychee.
Lychee, lychee fruit up there. Oh, by the way, is this your happy birthday? Look it, this is for you.
Yeah, yeah. That's for Rudy.
I don't want every apple. Whoa, dude, that's where we're going to love it.
That's what she gets. That's what you get.
I don't even give you every fruit. Just give a little tiny slice Is this a This is a great bakery

No, Porto's is my favorite

But I mean, what kind of cake did you get for her?

Give some of your dirty, more Spanish fingers on it

Fucking bastard

Bob, was this jersey from a fan?

Was that the one in Cancun?

A fan in Cancun gave you an Arsenal jersey, yes?

But they did, didn't they?

They did, it's in my closet

Love life

This is so fucking good, I'm like annoyed

We'll be right back. Yes.
I thought this one, no. But they did, didn't they? They did.
It's in my closet. Isn't that fucking great? Love life.

I love life.

Can I have a spoon?

This is so fucking good, I'm like annoyed.

I'm annoyed.

It's like shocking.

Look, look, look.

Oh, pick up.

Hello.

What's going on?

No, we're just doing Bad Friends, and we're just talking about... You know what's going on, Steve!

We're just talking...

No, sorry, man.

We're just talking about betrayal.

What's he talking about?

Oh, dude!

Oh, here we go, dude.

Oh, I'm Steve.

Oh, so Jules and Andreas wasn't on your show yesterday?

I don't know.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Maybe not.

Yeah, and I understand that, and you weren't dressed up as me, and you...

Dude, where are you talking about? Did you wear a fat suit? dressed up as me. Did you wear a fat suit?

Oh, no.

Did you wear a fat suit?

Dude, it was a joke.

You like making fun of my fucking unhealthy body.

I could die.

I could die.

I could die.

I put a little bit.

Dude, it was a gag.

Right.

Oh, party hard.

Party hard.

Yeah, I'm laughing so hard, dude. Oh, come on.
You guys are being bad sports. Come on.
Oh, really? And then before, even when you guys were launching the fucking thing, you did Good Friends. Good Friends, that's right.
Do you remember that? Did you question Jeremiah? Yeah, we did. We just called him.
We ripped him apart, dude. We ate him alive.
Oh, you did? Yeah, we threatened his baby. I love you guys.
No, don't get off the phone. You're not getting off the phone, fuckface.
No, no, no. That's what I know when you're getting off the phone.
I love you guys. Take care.
Have a good one. Fuck you, dude.
You're not leaving shit. All right, so apologize.
I'm sorry, guys. I apologize.
I respect. Dude, you got to be careful, Steve.
We got a black guy here now. Andrew, I swear I'll make it up to you.
I'll do whiskey ginger. Everything will be good.
You know we have a black guy now working for us? We have a black guy now. Yeah, Doc.
Yeah, you're not scared? Would you believe it, Steve? I love Doc. You're not scared of him, though? You're not going to steal him, are you? Are you going to steal our black guy, too? No, I love Doc.
I'm sorry, guys. All right.
Anyway, I love you. I'll talk to you this week.
Love you, Steve. Anyway.
So let's do this. Let's end the show like this.
Let's look into our center camera there. And we want to talk genuinely to our fans.
There we go. If we find out that any of you, and I mean any of you, are going to subscribe to fucking Scissor Buds or whatever it is.
Or Snippet Pals. We're going to fucking come after you one by one.
I've got Petey Pablo down there. He's going to be searching in the algorithm to find out who's following them.
And if you're following them, you better unsubscribe right now. And if we find out that our fans are trading no no keep keep subscribing keep subscribing okay all right okay i think a better route right is to do some voodoo oh right curse put a curse put a hex put a curse so it's like um for those of you listening and if you're a bad friends fan right and you to, I don't even want to say the other fucking podcast name.
I don't even know what it is. Yeah.
That you're going to start feeling ill. Very.
And not even COVID ill. Like real sick.
No, like a deep illness. Not like I lost my syndrome smell.
Right. No, like I can't feel my feet.
You're not going to die. You're not going to die.
Maybe. I'm not going to guarantee shit.
No, yeah. Yeah.
You will lose something. You'll lose something.
You'll lose something. I lost my spleen.
I don't know. Where did it go, doc? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's like, well, did you- So if you- Betray bad friends. Stay with bad friends, right? Mm-hmm.
The flow, the good energy flow that we give, right? Mm-hmm. Unbeknownst to you.
Mm-hmm. Is that the right word? Unbeknownst, correct, yeah.
Unbeknownst to you. Is that the right word?

Unbeknownst, correct, yeah.

Unbeknownst to you.

Beknownst.

Beknownst to you, right?

You will receive enlightenment, luck, flavors, and favors.

Flavors, flavors. Flavors of life.

You like flavors of life?

We got them.

We got them.

We got icy flavors.

We got fruity flavors.

Fruity flavors.

Yeah.

We got flavors from the exotic. Sometimes we have too many fruity flavors.
Yeah. We got flavors from the exotic.

Sometimes we have too many fruity flavors.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

We've got crack.

We've got crack.

If you like crack, we got it.

We've got flavors?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But most of all, we want to say-

We love you.

We love you.

Yeah.

We respect.

We appreciate you.

And thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah.
We respect. We appreciate you.
And thank you for being a bad friend.

Rudy.

What'd you get?

What did you get?

A Doris Vader.

A Doris Vader.

A Doris Vader.

A Doris Vader.

A Doris Vader.

A Doris Vader.

A Doris Vader.

A Doris Vader.

A Doris Vader.

A Doris Vader.

A Doris Vader.

A Doris Vader.

A Doris Vader.

Thank you. Oh, Taco Bell box.

Is that a taco box filled with tacos?

Yeah.

Holy shit.

That's been in there the whole time we didn't get to eat any of that.

I'm not going to eat any of that.

We'll take it home.

Take it home.

For fucking nine hours.

Yeah.

Happy birthday.