Spooky Nights and Unicorn Love

I'm so excited. I'm taking Bobby, Jules, Andrew and the Bad Friends team to Universal Studios.

It's gonna be so much fun. It's Halloween Horror Nights.

So here is the deal. I just got a call from Bobby he is not coming also Jules is not coming so I am not sure what what Andrew is going to say I'm a little scared to tell you the truth I think he's going gonna blame it on me for some reason.
But I'll keep you guys posted and see what we do. All right, so...
The moment of truth. Meeting Andrew.
Fancy! Hey Andrew, how you doing? What up, I'm excited to be scared, dude. Let's do this.
Halloween Horror Nights. Where's Bob? So, this is the deal.
Like, Bobby called me. He's at the airport and he's not coming.
And Jules is not coming either or Pete. I think it's just the two of us.
But we all said we were going to meet here on Friday night, dude. I know.
I think maybe they got the dates. This is not cool, man.
That is, I, I, I mean, maybe I just texted the wrong date. I knew he was gonna do this.
I knew he was gonna bail. I don't want to do this because I'm like, I might actually get scared of some of this stuff.
It's a little weird. I don't really like it.
It freaks me out. So I'd rather be with a group.
Whatever. It's just, let's get some stuff.
Look, if you look dumb. Look, if you look dumb, I can cut around it, and I think we'll be fine.

Let's get a couple things.

We're here.

All right.

I'm scared.

I'm actually scared.

I don't want to do it.

Let's go back.

Let's go back out.

I want to go to do it couple more? No. I want to go home.
I don't want to do this anymore. I got scared and I'm embarrassed and I want to go home.
We'll cut it around. I think we've got great stuff.
What if I get you a snack? Yeah? So, I got Andrew a churro. I think he's gonna be happy.
This is not the night I imagine, but you know, anything for you about friends. Let's see.
Hey Andrew. I have a churro for you.

You got me a cinnamon penis.

Exactly.

You like it.

Thanks, Nancy.

This is fun.

Hey!

So check this out.

We want to promote a couple of things.

I'm on the road, andrewsantino.com.

I'm in San Francisco this weekend. I added shows in Philly and Seattle and things.
I'm on the road. AndrewSantino.com.
I'm in San Francisco this weekend.

I added shows in Philly and Seattle and Portland.

I'm coming to Atlanta, Chicago, New York, Grand Rapids, Pittsburgh, Columbus.

I'm all over the place.

We just added Florida.

AndrewSantino.com.

Tell them to see me.

Oh, go see him.

He's one of the best in the world.

AndrewSantino.com.

Also, Bobby's got something.

So October 22nd on Netflix, my show, I'm on an animated show called Inside Job with me, Lizzie Kaplan, Brett Gelman, Andrew Daly, a bunch of people. Awesome.
And it's about a shadow government. And I play, I'm a regular on it.
I'm on every episode. Awesome.
And I play the Chinese scientist. Oh.
Yeah, but check it out. And also these shirts- These shirts are available now.
Are available. The Bad Friends, Chilly Chill...
Chilly Chill and Mr. Hollywood are available right now.
They should be in the merch bar below. Otherwise, go to badfriendsmerch.com.
Badfriendsmerch.com. You two are bad friends.
These two are idiots. You two are Asian.
You two are disgusting. It's not a you two or something.
We're bad friends. One, two, three, four, five o'clock.
Rock. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
No, no, no. That's not that.
It's... It was a monster match.
Oh, yeah, that one. It was a graveyard smash.
How does the music part go? How does it go? How does it go? Do you know what it is? It's a monster man. Ooh.
Who are you? Who are you? Freddy Krueger. From what? From what movie? Nightmare on Elm Street.
Oh, great. Ooh.
Robert England, dude. And what are you? I'm Panda.
Oh, Panda. From Kung Fu Panda.
Well, give us a little Kung Fu. Cha-cha-cha-cha! Cha-cha-cha-cha! Okay.
Oh, what are you doing, Fance? Yeah, what are you? Fancy is, uh, Fancy's walked into the room. He's, he's, uh, Pedro.
He's Pedro from, uh, Napoleon Dynamite, the film that came out 30 years ago. Oh, that's right.
He's really keeping it up to date. What are you smoking? It's just a vape.
Give it to me. Here.
Is there drugs in it? No. It's still out.
I like this. Look.
Float, flum float gummy drop. Yep.
Oh, it smells good. Yeah.
Should I get into vapes? Oh? Come on, man. Is this my thing now?

What?

I don't want to put my lips where your lips were.

Why?

I'm afraid of that.

No, that's racist, dude.

Do it.

It has nothing to do with it.

It has to do with race.

If it was just like it was just here, if it was just enough, you would fucking do it.

He's cuter than you.

But that has nothing to do with, like, being clean.

If my lips turn yellow after this, I'm going to be...

All right, you know what?

I'll put my fingers in front of it.

Watch this.

This'll work.

I hate this.

Okay.

Ew.

Yeah.

Oh, whoa! I feel it now.

It's not marijuana.

Oh, I know. I don't like it.

I'm not a vape god. Are you a vape guy?

No.

You don't look like a vape guy.

Vapes are for losing. Oh, let's start from the beginning.
Hey. What's wrong? Why are you depressed? I'm a panda with...
I'm depressed. Because I haven't had bamboo in a couple of days.
Oh, look, look, look. That's not...
Oh, bamboo! Bamboo! And also...

Oh, look, a little bamboo for my little panda bear.

My mic just broke.

Jesus.

What's wrong with my little panda bear?

Is you a little sad panda?

Yeah.

Yeah, why are you a little sad panda?

Because of my black eyes.

Well, what do you have black eyes for? My husband beats me. Your husband hits you? Yeah, like my husband says, you know, I'm going to work, right? And I'm like, bye.
And then like five days later, he comes back, and he's got like track marks on his arms. Your husband is a heroin addict? Your panda husband is a heroin.
Your panda husband is a heroin addict? Yeah, and you can tell that he has a belly full of bamboo and doesn't bring me any, and then he punches my eyes and he goes, panda's supposed to have black eyes, and he punches my eyes. Oh, no.
Yeah, and then he comes on my white belly. Okay.
Yeah. Well, you can't really see it's there then, can you? What? Because if it's mixed, it's white i know but that's when i go to the police i go he came on my belly we can't get the fuck out of your panda you know i mean no the cops send you away well they apparently they say it's all for humans only oh no it's for humans only so what a domestic violence panda supposed to do we have to go see the bear the black bear what oh yeah the sheriff yeah he's like you need help yeah see grizzly bear is it eric griffin eric grizzly bear and you need help dog bobby you need help yeah yeah well i'm barbara oh barbara you need help yeah my husband he's been out shooting heroin with all the other bad pandas and another panda out there doing heroin again come come all over my belly i can't see any of it it's mixed in with all that white fur i know what a dilemma poor little panda i tell him to come on my arm so they can see the yeah then you'd see it yeah what do you want me to do about it uh anal bend over over.
And then you fuck me behind a tree? Yeah. I like your panic.
What do I look like? Do you know what I am? You're an angry hippie. No, you know what I am? A communist.
Oh, that's right. You're a communist.
I'm a communist. Yeah.
Well, that was obvious. I'm a commie bastard.
Yeah, an obvious you're a communist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want everyone to have everything. Yeah, yeah, everything.
I'm a commie. What are you? I'm Freddy Krueger.
He's Freddy Krueger. You look just like a girl that's on Melrose.
It's just like a, oh, there, now it's a dead giveaway. Freddy Krueger.
Freddy Krueger. Freddy Krueger.
Freddy Krueger from the island of Philippines. Fraggy Kruger.
Yeah.

Yo, cut my gumbangas from Fraggy Kruger.

Let me ask you something, Jules.

If you were walking like that down the street with the fucking knives,

but like in August, like in Cebu,

like you're just walking downtown Cebu, right?

You think people would be like,

they would turn their heads or they would just...

I think they wouldn't mind.

They wouldn't mind.

Nobody would think twice about you wielding... If those were real knives, would anybody say anything? Maybe, but I don't think so.
That's so wild. That's not even a thing.
People are allowed to just be chaotic down there because people have so many other problems going on. That's the last thing on their mind yeah i love going to see like

homeless people in like countries like that why i love visiting them do you know why why they always have the best genes homeless people yeah because it's like oh they're worn in enough yeah they're they wear it in in the way where it's like oh that's a cool you know i mean like vomit and you and poo.

Poo, a lot of poo.

Right.

And like,

piss.

Pure,

pure mud.

Blood.

It's all stained i'd like to buy them from them how much would you pay for probably like a couple hundred bucks seriously yeah there's some some of them are dope man what if we start a raw denim company where you and i go get raw denim yeah and then we give it to homeless people to wear for like a week and then we pay them to give it back to us

and then we sell it to rich people.

They already do that.

So APC, you ever heard of APC?

They don't do that.

APC used to, ask Kevin Christie,

APC used to give people jeans,

you wear them for a year,

they buy them back from you.

Yeah, no, I'm talking about give them to a homeless guy

to poop in them and have ripples and do heroin and stuff. Right.
But wait a minute, they would pay you to wear them and give them back from you yeah no i'm talking about give them to a homeless guy to poop in them and and have rip holes and do heroin and stuff right but wait a minute they would get they would pay

you to wear them and give them back yeah so you win them for a year they give you raw denim they

give you raw denim you go you live live in them for a year don't wash don't wash never wash bring

them back and then they go here's some money or how often do you wash your jeans never you've never

washed a pair of jeans no have you ever washed a pair of jeans? I always wash them when I wear them after. So every time you wear a pair of jeans, you wash them? Yeah.
That's wrong. You're not supposed to do that.
You're not supposed to do that. How often do you wash your hair? Every day.
Yeah, not supposed to do that either. She takes your showers.
I should charge you. How much do you think it costs for her? like, each shower she takes? I swear, and this is not even an exaggeration.
I've clocked her at an hour. Have you seriously taken an hour shower? Yeah.
It makes me so, like, 30 minutes, you're like, it's fine. Is that, well, she's dirty.
Is that because she's making up for all those years and not having water, running water in Cebu? Is that what it is? Maybe because there's no hot water. Oh, now I feel bad.
I feel bad. Let her take two hours.
Two hours. You know, hey, look up, how much does it cost for like per gallon to run your shower? Yeah.
How much is it for an hour shower? What do you think it is? Hour shower probably. Five bucks.
I was going to say 10, but I feel like feel like five is but assuming at the rates of electricity and water in your area are national average 12 cents per kilowatt hour and 1.50 kilowatt u.s gallons each so for every gallon it's a dollar 50 each shower costs you 25 cents or 51 cents per day for the whole household whoa that's nothing how much is it so so average i would say that it says it costs you 25 to 51 cents per household yeah per shower yeah each but but she's taking what would be a five five five four or five showers four or five showers so every day you're probably costing two dollars or three oh yeah fuck it shower fucking you know five hours i think i got some money in here hey look yeah there's there's a shower there's a shower give that to bob if he ever come whoa good catch rude yeah honestly that's pretty impressive i didn't know i thought that was way more expensive for some reason why did my parents yell at me all the time for taking long showers i don't know but why don't you go to the korean spa with me ever i've asked you so many times oh really Do you have time to go to Korean spa between going to do Sex and the City and then going to do Magnum PI and then doing the show?

Tell me when you have time.

No, but before I have, when I didn't have the time.

Tell me when you have time.

When I didn't have the time.

When I didn't have the time, I asked you.

You've never had time.

You've never had time.

I've always had time.

Panda shouldn't be angry.

Panda should not be angry.

I'm sad panda.

And I'm the communist.

Yeah, yeah.

Remember, I asked you to go trick-or-treating this year, and you said absolutely not. What do Panda sound like? Okay, that's your thing? Yeah.
Let me see if I can guess. You just repeated what I did.
That's the same thing. That's true.
Let me see. That's true.
That's exactly what I did. That's the same thing.
That's true.

That's exactly what I did.

That's true.

My bad.

Do yours again.

Good, Rudy?

I just think of them as like... That's not what they sound like!

They don't speak English!

They don't speak English!

No, I'm explaining because it's just gonna be one sound like...

Okay, alright.

You could have just done it.

You don't have to explain it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look up what pandas sound like, Pete.

I gotta tell you.

Yeah.

Yours, that second one you did, the gunner roll one. That was, in my mind, sounded like what I think they do sound like.
Yeah, yeah. Because a sloth sounds like this.
Yeah. Let's hear what pandas sound like.
And by the way, huh? Obviously not. Not even a good effort.
What a minimal. It's an archy bunker.
All right, let's do you find them though people go oh pandas are the cutest bear i don't find them the cutest though you know what's so funny i've i do think they're very cute yeah but also sometimes i think things that aren't cute are like i think squirrels are cute as shit oh i love them i think they are cute they're 100 cute They're 100% cute. What about raccoons? Cute as fuck, man.
I agree. Yeah.
What about- I'll tell you why we think they, some people think they're ugly. Huh.
It's they base it on their behavior. And you know what? What? Because of who we are.
Yeah. We don't judge on the behavior.
We don't judge on behavior. We judge on looks alone.
And how cute you are. Cute, right.
Yeah. You're in a garbage dump for for fucking with your family eating fucking garbage food yeah and stealing is one thing fine right but when you pop your head out of that fucking thing yep and you look at me with those little cute faces what am i gonna do nothing yeah yeah i love you i love you so much i you're right we judge by the behavior yeah i don't want to judge by behavior although although i will say squirrels don't have bad behavior uh no yeah i don't want to judge by the behavior.
Although, although I will say. But squirrels don't have bad behavior.

No.

Yeah.

I don't think so.

What about pigeons?

Pigeons.

I don't find them cute though.

Sometimes,

but sometimes this is cute.

That is cute.

Some,

just head bobbing is cute.

Yeah.

That is true.

I never thought of it that way.

Why is that?

Because it's.

Do a bird bob.

Yeah,

look at how cute that is.

Yeah,

but to me,

you know what I mean? I think you're looking at the bob and you're putting sexuality to it. No! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're imagining, right, a dove just on your shit right there, right? And they don't really – those muscles that they're using, it's like when a girl is going down on you, right? They're not necessarily muscles they generally use. So they get sore after a while.
After about a minute. What if pigeons, the reason they're walking around like this is they're practicing sucking dick.
Right. Right, right.
And then like the guy pigeons are in the trees. Yeah.
Practice. Practice.
Two months. January 12th, I'll meet you on this tree stump.
Get back here when you can. Yeah, when you can.
Also, by the way, I learned the other day I was in Boston Common. Boston Common in the park.
Yeah. Love going sitting in the park.
I saw photos. And I was looking at the squirrels.
Yeah. Do you know what the average life of a squirrel is? Let me guess.
Yeah. A year and a half? That's what I thought.
What do you think an average i also thought one year that's what i said how much eight to ten years well that's a good one how do they i that doesn't make sense it's great how about the average how about a bird you know what we looked it up too what's the average span of a common bird which encompasses a lot of bird average life six years what do you say rude two to three two to three two to three is exactly correct that's the average lifespan of bird two couple years a lot of birds. Average lifespan.
Six years. What do you say, Ruud? Two to three.
Two to three. Two to three is exactly correct.
That's the average lifespan. A bird, two, a couple of years.
A couple of years. And I'm going to ask you this.
Yeah. You get all the birds in the sky.
Yeah. Sometimes I'll be trolling down or frolicking.
Frolicking, mostly, yeah. I like frolicking through gardens or pastures.
Yeah, mostly. That's my thing.
You're very big into pastures. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you've never seen me. I wear my overalls, right? And I always put my head in the pigtails, right? I put little freckles on my face with the, you know what I mean? Yeah.
And I have a basket. You always have a basket.
Yeah, yeah. And I frolic.
Are you wearing a little tiny skirt? Oh, yeah. In a pasture, right? And I skip, right? And I see your little woot hanging out underneath.
Right. And I sing white music Like zippity-doo-dah, zippity-day

Jeremiah had a bullfrog

You know, all the white classics

What are the other white classics?

Happy birthday to you

That's a good one

What else?

Take it easy

Eagles Take it easy And I'm frolicking what why what else um go go back go back to your country that's a white song that's a good one uh what's another white song um uh uh build the wall build the wall can i just finish my pasture please so i I feel like to frolic But when I frolic I look at the birds And I count them And I don't know the varieties There's a woodpecker There's an owl There's an owl Sparrow Beautiful What a beautiful a beautiful creature. Dove.
Beautiful creature. Quail.
Are you just rattling off all the birds you know? Pheasant. Okay, good.
Hummingbird. Bluebird.
Yeah. Bald eagle.
Blue jay. Okay.
Chicken. Cardinal.
Rooster. Two of those things can't fly.
You just named two things that can't fly. But they're still birds, right? You got it.
Well, then... I thought that was the game we were fucking playing.
Swan? Duck. Very good.
Why? Well, just taking duck from me because that was my next one for sure. And I stumped you.
Because I went to ponds. I know.
As soon as I got into ponds. I know.
And I stumped you, right? I think you got me a duck. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're done? Fuck a duck. Fuck a duck.
You got me. So can I finish the frolicking? 100%.
Right. I count them all, right? Sometimes it's like...
Macau. Fuck, man.
Fruit bat. Parrot.
Is fruit bat a bird? It's a bat. It's bat Different Oh my bad Parrot Parrot Bird of paradise Parakeet That's great That's a good one I went parrot to parakeet That's really good You gotta have one more Otherwise I win I know but you took a long time after that Did you not? I admitted I failed I know but you You'reing right now hawk very good thank you thank you hawk let's go let's finish from looking you're right i'm sorry go ahead all right i count all the but let me just get to the point right please there's thousands of birds right but they so you're saying they die after two or three years pterodactyl pterodactyl's not a fucking bird they were a bird they were a bird we bird of prey.
We don't even know if they existed. Oh, are you a flat earther?

That's true.

Of course they existed.

All right, they existed.

All right, so you're frolicking through the field.

Yeah.

Did I do hummingbird?

You did.

That was your first one.

Oh, that was my first one?

Yeah, you can't go back.

It's my favorite one, though.

In fact, when you do twice, it's done.

Any birds to throw in?

Yeah, yeah.

Raven.

Raven!

Very good. Vulture vulture you um condor condor is a good one dude come on blue jay i already said blue jay fuck yep you did yep you're running out i remember blue you're running out i'm not running out you're running out i'm running in you're running out.
I'm running in. Don't say running out because it fucks up with my mind.
Uh-oh, we're closing the door. Oh, no.
All right. All right, you're in the field.
So, and you're saying they die every two or three years. Two to three years is the average lifespan of most birds.
So you're talking about thousands of birds are dying at one time. Where are they? Where are the bodies? Have you thought of that now? That's exactly what I thought of.
When I read i read two to three years i thought where do they go yeah because i in my life right i've walked around bob where do they fucking i'm asking you i'm telling you that i walk around yeah and probably 10 times in my life i've said oh there's a poor dead bird on the street or in a forest or whatever yeah yeah but you're talking you're talking about thousands of birds dying. Where are the bodies? I see dead birds more rarely than I see roadkill.
Blue Chew. I'm going to say something, Andrew.
You should. At 50, you know, I need Blue Chew.
It's hard right now. It doesn't go down.
It's hard to get hard. Or up.
It just stays in the middle. With Blue Chew, dude, it goes up and it stays up.
And I feel like I'm an 18-year-old soldier again. When you told me, I said Blue Chew is going to be a sponsor for us.
And you said, give me some now. And we sent you a box.
I remember that. Are you using it? Yeah.
It's good. It's my favorite.
Blue Chew is incredible. Hey, we could all use a little stiff breeze, a little strengthening, a little blood pumping down.
Blue Chew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis but in chewable tablets and at a fraction of the cost. That's right.
Take them a day or night, anytime. The best part, it's all done online.
So no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations and no waiting in line at the pharmacy, man. Go to bluechew.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers and once you're approved you're going to receive your prescription to your front door in a discreet box in days.
So you can get your paper hard for whomever needs it. So if you could benefit from extra confidence when it's time to perform, Blue Chew can help.
We got a special deal for our listeners to try Blue Chew free when you use our promo code BADFRIENDS at checkout. Just pay $5 for shipping.
That's bluechew.com, promo code BADFRIENDS to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information.
And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast. Butcher Box.
I'm a meat eater. I love the meat.
And I'm a big beefy boy and I love beef. And I beefed up over COVID because of Butcher Box.
I gained 16 pounds. I'm not going to lie, but I'm happy.
And if you ask Jules, our freezers at home, we have many freezers filled with butcher box meat and is we have glorious dinner it's delicious look when it comes to meat quality matters everyone knows you're not gonna go get meat from the dollar store and when you invest in high quality meat from butcher box the benefits go way beyond great tasting meals their source they source their meat butcher box sources their meat from partners with the highest standards of quality no more searching grocery store 100 grass-fed beef free-range organic chicken wild caught seafood and more yeah how do you prepare the meat what do you do like when you get a piece of beef i like to get it medium rare oh me too that's what i like i sear it i sear it the sides both sides and i put some butter and i and i flip it in the pan i always like to poke it oh you pop yeah i poke it well so the it can see Yeah. My favorite thing about ButcherBox is that I get meat to the front door and I don't have to go grocery shopping because I'm lazy.
There's no antibiotics added or hormones. Nope.
Each box contains eight to 14 pounds of meat, depending on your box type. That's enough for 24 meals.
It's packed fresh and shipped frozen for your convenience so you can save time on your next grocery store trip. Look, ButcherBox is wonderful.
If you like that meat, you're going to get it here. ButcherBox is now offering...
No. Right now, ButcherBox is offering new members a 10 to 16 pound turkey.
Free! In their first box. Just go to ButcherBox.com slash BadFriends to sign up.
That's ButcherBox.com slash BadFriends to receive a free turkey in your first box. We did it.
Look, we looked at some of the variables. The variables, right.
I mean. I bet you money if you, me, Fauci, right? The Fauci.
And some other scientists, right? He's a doctor. We need a scientist.
Who's a, Neil deGrasse Tyson. Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Me, you, and Neil deGrasse Tyson. And we check a couple of boxes with him.
What? What is his? He's black. He is? Right? So it's like, we like we're checking we're checking boxes and also building a scientific community community with one guy so listen vietnamese fans yeah yeah we don't be offended no of course not and we're also not accusing you of anything we're just saying yeah it could be them i don't know i don't think so though i don't know about that yeah they might go ahead well I was gonna say They might be the reason that In my neighborhood There's always signs They say coyotes are out there Eating dogs I've never seen a coyote Take one But dogs go missing a lot Dude That is such an interesting Fucking theory dude Dogs go missing a lot You're absolutely right A lot Right And I've never seen a coyote Eat a dog I heard they do do.
Can I just say this too? And this is probably just, this is probably a stretch, right? But one time- Stretch it. I'm stretching it.
One time when we first moved into our house, I heard the coyotes, right? Because the real estate guy said, there's a lot of coyotes here, so we got the fence for our dogs. So three in the morning, I was out there dogs jules right i hear you know you know the cow right i heard them is that it i don't know whatever they howl at the moon yeah but they kind of chatter they do that noise right yeah something like that exactly that's right right right I looked, and it was three Filipinos.
Oh, my. And now I'm not, I'm not, listen, I'm not saying anything.
Right? I. Right? But they were naked.
Oh, they were? Naked. Making noises.
Right? Right? Making the noises. They had fucking spears.
Oh, no. Right? And they were hunting for were hunting for something did you ask them what they were hunting for? I go hey get out of here get out of here they're on your property here's what's fucking crazy about this they seemed to not understand what I was saying bullshit so they were like get out of here they spoke that coyote I feel like they were like, I go, get out of here! And they're like...
They spoke that coyote. Right? So I feel like they're like people that were raised in the woods.
Raised by coyotes. Coyotes.
Can you prove to me you can't speak coyote right now? I can't! Prove. How? Let me hear coyote and let me see if it sounds real.
It's not! Oh, see, that's what somebody would say If they know coyote Okay Bro that's exactly what Was that what it sounded like? Bro When you were trying to do the coyote Right I go that's not exactly right But when she did it organically Do it again and I'm gonna look away from you Do it again real Jules Go be kidding aside See I My instinct My instinct is to get the dogs inside the house dude right get inside right they're here right oh fuck i thought you said i was a bat that's true to be fair to fear you one could be two two one could be both You're allowed to be both things. And yes, you are a bat.
Freddie bat. By the way, our whole Bad Friends team dressed up.
Of course, Andres is the ever-present, very topical character of Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah.ite yeah and pete is what are you pete i'm napoleon and he's napoleon yeah because bad friends is on a budget on a budget yeah and i didn't know that napoleon what was a fat fuck Bob I'm sorry I'm sorry

Alright

Well say it to him

I'm sorry Pete

Right

But was a fat fuck. Bob! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, all right? Well, say it to him. I'm sorry, Pete, right? But when you see me in this panda outfit, I'm shaped like a panda.
Yeah, it makes sense. You look right now.
Dude, I literally thought I was in fucking Woodstock right now. Every time I look at you.
Yeah, dude. It's like, did I just time travel? What do hippies do? What are my hands doing? That's exactly what you're – because there's trails, dude.
Yeah. You're creating trails.
You're high as – yeah, dude. You're sucking fucking unicorn cock.
No, no. I'm playing a recorder.
Oh, sorry. I'm playing just a little recorder.
I don't know. I thought you were doing unicorn cock.
What do you imagine a unicorn cock looks like? Not like a normal cock. Why just like a bunch of colors? Yeah, but it can't be shaped like a normal cock.
There's no – I mean, I get that the color – it's candy striped. I feel like a like a normal cock why just like a bunch of colors yeah but it can't be shaped like a normal cock there's no i mean i get that the color it's candy striped i feel like a unicorn cock is not even a solid thing that it's a ray of light whoa right you're touching on some good shit i know i know so it's like so it's a it's a heavy beam let's imagine let's imagine right that i'm um a wood elf.
I see it. Thank you.
Yeah, I see it. You see it, right? I see it.
I'm a wood elf, right? Uh-huh. And I was fucking just all day.
What am I killing? Orcs. Orcs.
I'm killing goblins and orcs and cave troll. Flink, flink, right? Yeah.
I go to the shire right right I pull back a couple pints up here right right I'm a little tipsy right hey Frodo you know what I mean good to see you yeah that was funny that joke right talking shit to Frodo talking shit right I'm walking out of the fucking bar, right? And they're like, you're going home? What else? That's what they call me. I don't have a name.
Woody. Woody.
Woody, you going home? I'm going home. I'm not.
Where are you going? I'm going out to get some fucking unicorn cock. Oh, you are.
Combust, right? Are they like prostitutes? Are unicorns prostitutes? No. No, right? But they're they're not gay What are they They're not anything They're not anything But I'm pretty sure They're not gay Okay They could be I don't know But you go out to the woods To go get them I don't get them They come to me I do the little Because Gandalf taught me To do the whistle Yeah That dude From the fucking movie From From the movie, dude.
So you whistle. Right.
They come get. Comes out.
What's Gandalf's name was Shadowmere or Shadowfax or something like that. What was his horse's name? Shadowfax.
Yeah, Shadowfax. Right.
But it's not Shadowfax. It's a fucking unicorn.
Right. You fucking, you know what I mean? I'm going to get, he's, when he's hopping.

He's got big wings.

He's also going,

no, he's not,

this is his hooves.

Oh.

Right?

He's like,

I'm about to get my dick sucked.

Right, that's what he's doing.

You're right,

he's running faster.

You know what I mean?

Like he would run fast if orcs were chasing him.

Yeah.

But he runs doubly fast

when he knows

that this Woody

is going to suck his dick.

Because he's excited

because you're good. I'm probably pretty good.
You're probably one of the best. He's a drunk dude.
He's not going to remember nothing. I'm going to do it on his face.
Oh, whatever. Right.
And he comes out and I get on my knees. Right.
Yeah. And he does what a dog does.
What do you mean? When he's peeing. The rocket comes out? No.
He just lifts one leg like this. Oh.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
He lifts one leg like this. He doesn't even really acknowledge you.
just lifts up his leg Is he looking down at you at all? You know what he's doing? He's looking at a female unicorn From across the way Because he's not even like He doesn't like cross species So to get hard or whatever He's got to look at a female unicorn So when he a female unicorn that makes sense so when he does this he's looking at what is it felicia you know i mean felicia just do it right spin a beam of light enters my mouth and it's like and it's like you know what it's like no like those fucking in ghostbusters those fucking oh yeah the the the the guns stream the streams And it makes my mouth go It's pulling right

Right The gun. The stream.
The stream's gun. Right.
And it makes my mouth go. It's pulling right, right? Right, right.
And he unloads, right? Yeah. And it's just like I ate 93,000 marshmallows.
Right? He gallops away. It's coming out of my mouth.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everywhere.
Yeah, like that. Everywhere.
That goes into your mouth. That goes in my mouth.
And how do you feel when it's over? Well, I assume I'm in a blackout drunk. I wake up in the field.
Right. With marshmallows everywhere.
You know how you wake up, right? And you're like, you just do that because your mouth is dry. But this time, because it's fucking, right?

I vomit, right?

And like rainbow colored marshmallows.

And I just go, I gotta go to AA.

I'm never doing that again.

Yeah, yeah, because every time I get,

and then you're sober three years,

you're in a meeting, right?

You're sharing, you know?

And a unicorn comes in. It got so bad.
Yeah, yeah that's what it got so bad for me man i used to go to the shower get drunk right i used to blow i used to blow unicorns right and in the audience you hear right he's sober now yeah yeah yeah he doesn't do it't do it anymore either. But.
Yeah. He comes up to you while you're having coffee.
After the meeting. During the break.
During the break. Having a cigarette.
Right. And he's like, you ever thought about doing it again? Just to tempt you.
Right. And I looked down at his crotch, right? Yeah.
Not that a laser comes out, right? No. But a little bit of like a glow.
A little glow. Like, to remind you.
Right. And I start salivating, right? And I relapse that night.
I relapse that night. Fuck.
Yeah, yeah. Poor Woody.
It's a sad tale. It's a sad tale, but it's a true tale.
It's a true tale.

Did you find out what a panda sounds like, by the way, after 20 minutes of this chaos?

Oh, here we go.

Let's hear what they sound like.

Oh, shit.

We were close.

Let's hear.

So cute. Yeah.
Sounds like Andreas' car starting when he leaves. So fucking cute.
Are they deadly? I think they can kill. I think can kill humans yeah but can you like if i was in china like you and i are in china yeah right and we see a panda

would you i'm being real we see not in the wild in the wild yeah right in its natural habitat

of course we have bamboo sticks right yeah would you would you be scared to approach it

Thank you. in its natural habitat of course we have bamboo sticks right? Would you be scared to approach it? Honestly yeah because look no matter how adorable don't approach a giant panda in the wild they have strong grips they can deliver powerful bites strong enough to harm a human leg so they can get through you Yeah but a leg for a story? I mean leg versus story I guess like yeah i guess lose a leg it's a great story i guess lose a leg yeah yeah but i mean a ted talk on it but when you approach them like it's different with like you what you can't really pet are you gonna pet it no i wouldn't pet it they're gonna run away well you and i would have a conversation it'd be like how's the best way to do this so let about it.
Dude, dude, I'll just stick. Let's gather a bunch of bamboo.
Even though there's bamboo all over the place, maybe. We'll get better bamboo.
You think so? We'll get premium bamboo. We don't know premium, though.
I know a guy out there. Oh, you do? Yeah.
All right, so we'll go to see your guy first. Yeah.
We'll go to a guy. Hey, can we get the grade A premium? Primo bamboo.
Bamboo. Yeah.
And he's like, all right. It like Alright It's gonna cost ya Yeah here's a wagon full

How much is it even

How much is a wagon

Here's a basket full

Each wagon is the same as a shower

It's 25 to 50 cents an hour

Right

So we'll go

Alright that's doable

Reasonable

We'll take a couple wagons

We'll give him a dollar

Yeah

Right

Give us back the change though

Keep it

Fine keep it

Don't be a dick

Alright don't be a dick

Yeah but

We go out

In front of the panda

And then how

What would be our thing

Would we

You know what I would do

Huh

It was I would

Thank you. Keep it.
Fine, keep it, pal. All right, don't be a dick.
Yeah, but yeah. We go out in front of the panda,

and then what would be our thing?

You know what I would do?

I would put two bamboos in the ground, right?

Sticks.

I would make a human out of it, right?

Like a scarecrow.

That's his legs, like a scarecrow, right?

But make it appetizing.

Make it appetizing. Make it look delicious for them?

Yeah.

Well, see, I was going to say that I think we should rip off the bamboo leaves and stick them to our bodies.

That's a very better idea.

And have them lick it off.

I never even thought of that.

I want them to lick it off our bodies.

I never thought about that.

Then we can just lay back on our stomach, on our backs.

And check it out, dude.

We also, because you know that grizzly bears, right, and brown bears, because they don't know.

Grizzly bears, they eat salmon and honey, right? Yep. Right? But to pandas, right? That's a foreign food.
It's like white people eating sushi. Hear my thing, right? So we should bring that shit, real Canadian honey, maple honey syrup.
To them. To them.
So we put the bamboo, right? But we're kind of like a, you know, we create a meal of it like a charcuterie board like a charcuterie board so we're like so we have nice salmon because they might like it we don't know right they all they have is bamboo that's why they fucking eat the shit yeah they don't know right but when we're like this is fucking canadian shit here baby imagine when a panda right gets on a flight and flies to northern canada oh they run into like they're going to visit some in-laws right and they run into some local brown and black bears oh yeah you know the pandas the pandas are you know they're mixed well and they see the brown and the black bears and the brown box like what's up we're what up panda what's up player i feel like and the panda's like doing? They're like, we're about to go steal. I think the accent's wrong.

These picnic baskets.

I think the accent's wrong.

They steal picnic baskets.

The panda's from China?

So do they accent?

Oh, the panda.

Yeah, yeah.

It doesn't feel...

First of all, you're the panda visiting me.

I'm the black bear.

I would like you to do the panda, actually.

You're the panda.

All right.

You're the panda.

You've flown to me.

All right.

So I'm flying, right?

And I'm the black bear. Let me get the backstory here real quick.
First of all, you're half white, half black. Okay? So one of your parents is a black bear.
That's fine. It doesn't matter because the thing is that let's suppose Barack Obama.
Is your dad? No, listen to my thought processes, right? Let's say Barack Obama, right, was born in China, right, to a Chinese family, right? He would still have an Asian accent. Barack Osaka.
Yeah, Barack Osaka would still have a fucking Asian accent. Of course.
So what does his color of his skin have to do? It's cultural. First of all, first of all, you're a half black, half white, Asian panda bear.
Okay. Okay? Yeah.
Your dad is from Canada. He's a black bear from Canada, right? Shit, I don't realize this.
Your mom- Is a white polar bear from- Is a white polar bear from- From Antarctica. Exactly.
From Antarctica. Your mom had a job offer in China.
That's why you were born there, okay? Better yet, I have a better one. What? Right? Just hear me out, right? Okay.
let's say there was a war oh there was a bear war there was a bear war right so Antarctica right in Canada they send troops right to China to China right fuck to fight the fucking pandas right well or some thing to fight the Chinese fight the Chinese that's? And you know when two, you know, two different armies are working together. Yep.
They're probably some crossbreeding because they get bored. Yep.
They're probably listening to Jimi Hendrix. Yep.
Right? Yep. You know, this is the end.
Like the doors, they're smoking weed. Yeah, together.
They're sharing weed. Right, right.
This is the end. My friend.
My friend. The end.
Right, my friend. Right? They're smoking weed, right? And I'm like, hey, man, shit.
Because I'm white fucking. Pull a bit of pussy out here.
Yeah. Right? Hey, boys.
Yeah, right? His fucking grizzly ditches get hard every time. Right? Right? And it's like, but he's got bullet wounds, too, because he's been shot up.
He's been clipped up. Right, so the one night they smoke weed,

they get drunk, whiskey.

Whiskey.

Fuck, right?

Yeah, yeah.

They have a baby.

They leave the baby there.

They fly back to their fucking-

They don't give a shit about the baby.

They don't give a shit, right?

So is that what you're saying, the scenario?

Correct.

Okay.

You're a bastard child.

You're a bastard panda child.

So I'm not a panda then.

Yes, you are.

All right! I'm a panda, right? right because of what was going on all right movement hey i love watches incredible if you want watches at an affordable price i gotta tell you movement is great they sent us a bunch of watches i got a blue face it's really gorgeous with a with a nice sleek band here's and the best part is it's not gonna cost you a million bucks to have a nice looking watch on your wrist. Okay, I have a friend named Kevin, okay? Christy.
Exactly. And he buys these expensive watches.
Rolex. Right? And when I wear movement watches in front of him, he always asks, where'd you get that? I like it.
You know what I mean? It's a high class watch. Everything about it is like, it's the best made watches.
Well, it's like the weight of it too and they got the look of a quality 400 500 watch that you're paying for at an apartment store but it costs a fraction of the price because they were built online and their process is their own from start to finish and a tiny apartment in southern california two college dropouts they teamed up to make this watch company to break all the rules fair prices great colors clean original designs so movement is growing and i to tell you- The watch that I wear, Andrew, is the Grizzly Brown watch. Oh yeah.
From their new Legacy Slim collection. And it's the perfect office watch with a super clean dial and rich brown leather strap.
It just elevates my outfits. I have three of their watches and the Minimal Sport Dive is one of my favorites.
It's just smooth looking and it also can go look casual and look kind of dressed up. Most of us have to spend all day in front of a computer if you work either at home or in an office.
And I got to tell you this, these Everscroll blue light filtering glasses are a game changer. Blue light is dangerous for you.
You should read about it from your phone, your computer. And these glasses really help with eye strain and poor sleeping patterns.
And I actually love them. They're really cool.
If you want to elevate your look with style that doesn't break the bank, then join the movement and get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to mvmt.com slash bad friends. Again, that's mvmt.com slash bad friends.
Beam organics. Oh, you selfish little bastard.
I love beam organics. I'm sorry that I took it without giving it to you.
They sent some and i took all of it and you know why i don't get to sleep at night and you sleep till four in the afternoon you know that i love beam organics right and you took the thing and now i gotta order more i don't care all right i don't care it look i don't sleep that well because we got busy schedules we're on the road and my time our time schedules are always messed up because we're shooting all night long and i gotta tell you sleep studies have shown that getting bad sleep can affect your brain function, mood, weight loss, and overall health. And you got to have full eight hours.
And that's why this stuff, this Beam Dream Powder is- It's the best, guys. I love it.
Listen, guys, when I catch a flight, because I fly sometimes. Oh, yeah.
And I do red eyes. I have to do red eye tomorrow.
Yeah, you do. And it's um i i wish i had beam dream powder because it really does work it's stuff that i i use daily yeah but i ran out and you took the last of it sorry they sent they only sent me enough for the best i needed it uh this stuff contains melatonin magnesium reishi uh i theanine and nano cbd nano cbd is effective because uh it's all about surface area when When you break hemp molecules down to tiny droplets, your body has a dramatically increased ability to absorb it, making it super effective.
There's no THC. Okay, it's just CBD and it's triple lab tested with no added sugar or artificial sweeteners.
I got to tell you, this stuff is incredible. It actually tastes really good.
It's like a hot cup of cocoa at night and I like it before I go to bed. Yep.
Everybody needs this. If you subscribe now off your first month plus get a free mug and frother it's really good it's like a little mixer head to beamorganics.com bad friends that's b-e-a-m organics.com bad friends for 35 off your first month of your dream subscription plus you can pause or cancel at any time so you decide i'm fucking sad as, huh? I was raised by my own.
Sad Panda? I'm Sad Panda, that's right. So what happens is, you decide, I'm gonna go visit my mom and my dad.
I'll visit my dad first in Canada, and I'll go visit my mom in Antarctica. So you go to Canada and meet your dad.
Is there like some agency that he calls to find out where they live and whatnot? Panda's International. That's right.
Okay, my right yeah my bad i forgot that that existed yes because they need help trying to find their parents they've all been abandoned yeah that's true so you go you fly to canada yeah and here you are and you see your dad with all of his buds just kicking it kicking it in the forest in the forest on their block right and you step on their block and they're like, what's up? What's up, little bitch-ass, multicolored bear? And I go, what? Who are you looking for, bitch? You. Why are you? What do you mean you're looking for me? You're my daddy.
Shit, I ain't your daddy. Why you leave me? Why you leave me? How do you know I'm your daddy because look and i pull out my dick right it's half white and half black but still shaped like yours so it's real long it's long but super skinny what does everything have to do how about that forget the dick you turn around let me show you see your butt let me see your butt let's not even do that because it's sexual we always go there going to make it about you.
I know, but I'm going to do something different. How do you know you're my son? Look, and I look up my fucking paw and there's a birthmark.
And then you look at your paw and the same birthmark. Holy shit.
Right. And then what do you do with that hand? We touch hands.
No, I thought you were going to hit me. I was.
You would have rather touched. But we touch hands.
Let's go PG. We touch hands.
We touch hands no you i thought you're gonna hit me i was you would have rather touch but we touch go pg we touch hands we touch hands disney style right and i'm crying and i'm and i'm crying too you are you you feel yeah because then all the homies but all the homies see them crying and they're like oh look at him crying like a bitch yeah shut the fuck up yeah and then you hit me right that ain't my bitch ass son i thought we do a hard cut if is a movie, we do a hard cut. Cut.
We're on the dinner table. I invited you for dinner? Yeah, because we don't know what happened, but I have a patch over my face.
Well, we do know what happened. I hit you in a previous scene.
But I'm like, eat your salmon and shut the fuck up. And I've never had it before, so what would it...
And then my first response is, how are you going to be from fucking Asia and never had no goddamn salmon? Right, we don't have salmon up there. Motherfucker, you got sushi all over that bitch.
That's Japanese. Same shit.
Everybody laughs. So you're that kind of guy.
Everybody laughs. Everyone laughs, right? Yeah, yeah.
And then I grab my shit and I head north to see my mom because I hate this fucking... You fucking hate this guy.
I fucking hate this guy. And I'm smoking unfiltered cigarettes.
Right. I'm like, get out of here, bitch.
And to finish the story, I finally, it takes me, I walk. It takes me about four years to get to Antarctica.
I think you get there. North Pole.
Let's say a couple months. He's a small, I have small little limbs.
Takes you a year. Have you seen the move? Takes you a year year how fast can pandas walk or run i gotta tell you i bet you can get up to 10 miles an hour so you know there's no way yeah no they're like 20 miles an hour they go 20 miles an hour that's what it says all right 20 miles an hour i have no idea well it's got to be a couple thousand miles so then look you're clearing that a couple months couple months right i finally get up there right yeah and i don't see anything it's just snow cold right you're freezing right and then like a couple of seals say get up let me go you don't want to be around here oh they're warning you yeah Wrong neighborhood.
Yeah. It's like desolate.
It's kind of like.

Um. Get up.
Let me go. You don't want to be around here.
Oh, they're warning you. Yeah.
Wrong neighborhood.

Yeah.

It's like desolate.

It's kind of like West Virginia, like the Appalachian Mountains kind of vibe.

Ooh.

You know what I mean?

Crazy.

I'm from around here.

I don't know what you're doing here.

Right.

What if the seals all have Southern accents?

Right.

I don't know what you're doing here, boy.

You better go back to China.

Yeah, man. Unless you're doing here, boy.
Right. Better go back to China.
Yeah, mate.

Unless you're here for our moonshine.

Right, right.

And then we, and I ignore them.

You don't want to deal with the seals.

Yeah, it is.

And I'm still like, now the wound from my dad hitting me is infected.

Oh, no.

Yeah, yeah.

My eye is no longer, it's gone. Your eye's been eaten away by your eyes been eaten away by so infected yeah maggots and parasites right yeah but i still have the bandage on for some reason i think that that that's gonna save it yeah and your eye just keeps falling out of the socket but you keep pushing it back and i see something ridiculous like to the fucking seals like you guys have antibiotics or something crazy you know they're not gonna have antibiotics right of course not and the eyes are out gone we got moonshine right and i go do you know where anna lives that's why i might know my mom's what's her name anna i think you think it is yeah what do you think it is they're like who you're talking about sheila oh yes sheila yeah she live at top of that old hill up there.
Yeah. Okay.
So you got to trek up that hill. Thank you.
No problem. Good luck.
But I also have to say, I have to say, can you just point to exactly because one of my eyes don't work. Figure it out yourself.
And they jump in the water. They're so mean.
They're so mean. So mean.
They're fucking drunk, these seals. Yeah.
Always blacked out. I get up there, right? And Sheila is frozen solid.
She's dead? She's frozen. She's frozen.
Frozen solid in this gigantic ice cube. Oh, no.
Yeah. And then, right? What you don't realize, right? Is if this is a movie, right? We do like now a scene that happened in the past in the movie.
At this point, we see this frozen fucking, Sheila, frozen, right? It cuts to what I did in Canada. I steal a gun.
They don't have guns?

They have guns, yeah.

Okay, they have guns.

Yeah, yeah.

In the movie, they have guns.

Of course they do.

Right?

So I pull out the gun.

Right?

I stick it in my mouth.

No, I thought you were going to shoot the ice.

What?

Shoot the ice?

I want to end the movie like this.

Oh, okay.

You don't think so?

I say shoot the ice.

How about this? Let me give you my comedy version Or let me kind of just say Let me hear yours Let me hear yours I'm going to tell you I want you to do your comedy version Yours guns goes in your mouth I'm not saying that I'm going to pull the trigger Right? I'm just saying that This is a dramatic moment Right? A little bit I'm leaning against Right? This frozen polar bear Sheila my mom, right? My eye is fucking gone, dude.

It's gone.

It's fucking infected.

It's gone.

What the fuck am I going to do?

I don't have a ticket back to China, right?

It's a disarray.

My dad is a fucking asshole, I realize.

My mom's fucking dead.

I mean, there's no fucking point to it all.

Yeah.

Right?

So I stick the gun to my mouth, right? I'm a panda. Yeah.
Right? And I click it. It's so cold.
Like, the mechanisms. Jam.
Jam. Right? So you finish the movie.
So you start screaming. Ah! I don't want to be here anymore! And it's a machine gun, machine gun yeah it was a handgun i thought it was a machine gun oh all right yeah and so no it's a handgun shot of shotgun no it's a handgun okay we'll go handgun handgun yeah yeah and you're leaning against the ice and you go i don't want to be here anymore there's no bullets yeah and you start smashing smashing it right against you on the back of the ice yeah it's breaking you're like i don't like this life anymore everything is a fraud everyone's a lie yeah yeah i hate everything i hate it and your mom oh positive You saved my life.
Oh. Positive.

You saved my life.

What are you doing in my house?

This is your house?

Who are you? This mountain?

I'm your son.

Remember you raw dog?

Remember you raw dog back in the war?

You raw dog 20 years ago?

How long?

Seven years ago you raw dog that fucking... I fucked a griffin bear back in the war you rod 20 years ago how long seven years ago you rod dog that fucking i fucked a griffin bear yeah i'm this and then you had me and then you left me there son yeah why do you have a gun because my eyes gone and my dad dream i was killed no no no give me that gun yeah and her the gun.
Right. And then she turns it on you.
That's great. And it works now.
It works now? And she goes, goodbye, son. Right.
And could I just, it hits the center of my. Right in the middle.
In the middle, right? And the way it hits my head, right, it shatters every bone in my skull.

Wow.

Right?

It shatters every bone, right? And there's a – the brains and the skull matter, everything, it just – like a pinata.

You hit a pinata, all the – right?

Yeah.

Right?

And it freezes.

Right?

Right?

And this is my face, right?

Right? Brain. Brains.
Right? Oh, credits. right right and my this is my face right right brain every brains right oh credits coming out no in the back it's just panda noise in the background right right right it's a film or you know you know instead of doing that is right i was thinking you Imagine if this was a pitch meeting and Universal was like, what the fuck are you guys talking about? And we're like, check it out.
We're not done yet. We're not done.
But here's a second option. If you don't like the ending, right? It's a little dark.
I'm leaning against the thing, right? The gun doesn't work, right? And I whistle, right? And a unicorn comes out of the forest, right? My eye, right? He gallops. He lifts his leg like this.
And a beam of life goes. You know what I mean? Perfect.
That could be an alternate ending. Because refusing two movies, it's a callback for the other movie.
It's two movies in one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So basically, you want to buy it or you don't want to buy it? Right, right. No one's going to want it.
They're like, get out. No one's going to want to buy it.
Get out of our... No one's going to want to buy it.
Yeah. Happy Halloween, by the way.
Happy Halloween! Happy Halloween. Rudy probably has a book report for us by now.
Movie report. Oh, you have a movie report? Clockwork Orange.
Oh, did you watch the movie? Yeah. Did she really? Or is she lying? Get the fucking gum out of your mouth.
She claims she did. I did last night.
How long was the movie? Two hours? Two hours and a half? Yeah, that's probably right. Do you swear? I promise.
On Kalilah's life? Yes. That's insane to swear on her life, but she did, huh? Okay, so so tell us about the movie so it's about um there's this teenager named alex and then he has a group called doogs doogies wait droogs and then and then and then they go on this like really violent activities where they rape.
Put on your hand, by the way, because I want to make sure you're still Freddy Cougar. Where they rape and beat people.
And then one time they went to this cat lady's house and then Alex killed the cat lady. And then he got caught and then he went to prison.
And then Alex wanted his prison sentence to be shorter. So he agreed to do this experiment.
So he went to this hospital and the doctors did an experiment for him because the government said that this experiment will turn the bad people to good people. So they did that.
Alex was strapped in a chair and then he had to watch these violent films. And then after that, he changed, and the doctor said he was cured.
So every time he would try to do bad things, he would feel sick, and he would make noises. This sounds like the plot for Geely, the Ben Affleck.
Are you sure that's not Geely? No, that's it. I'm like blown away i honestly believed i liked it you did like it then then star wars star wars is shit star wars is shit so what we just realized now is jules star wars is shit she's an art elitist she's an elitist and i love it and i love it and that's who she that's who she really is i think she is i think you're an elitist.
I's an elitist. And I love it.
And I love it. And that's who she really is.
I think she is. I think you're an elitist.
I think you're an artist. Mm-hmm.
Right? Honestly. Or she likes violence.
And she likes violence. She likes violence.
Look right into your camera, into your one lens, and say, hey, George Lucas, Star Wars is shit. Go ahead.
Hey, George Lucas, Star Wars is shit. Wow.
You're never going to work in this town again.

Let me ask you this.

If they remade Clockwork Orange

and then they cast you in it

or they made

a new Star Wars movie, which one

would you do?

And who would you play?

But I only knew the

New Hope.

You've never seen any of the other ones?

We told you about the other ones.

The first movie where Liam Nelson is in it.

Liam Nelson.

Liam Nelson.

Yeah.

Liam Full Nelson.

I think Liam Nelson was pretty good in that movie, though.

That's what they called him, Liam Full Nelson.

Yeah.

What character would you play? The one that looks like a monkey. Fair? Fair.
Yeah. What about in Clockwork? Let me ask you this.
That monkey, what kind of creature is he? I mean, what race is he? Filipino, right? No, he's not Filipino. What is he? I think he's more Persian-y like Turkish What is he in the movie? I don't know He's a Wookiee What's a Wookiee? Chewbacca is a Wookiee I think you should see the second Star Wars where Empire Strikes Back because that's where he meets Yoda.

Yeah.

You kind of could be Yoda.

I think you could relate to Yoda.

He talks funny.

He speaks weird English.

Same food.

Same food.

Yeah.

Environment almost.

Yeah.

Food, environment.

I think you'll be like...

You're pretty close to a Yoda.

Yeah.

You've never heard of Yoda?

He's a green, small thing. Very good.
Say no more. Say more, no more.
You kind of talk like him too. Do you know what Jabba the Hutt is? Do you think Yoda was just foreign and he just, it was like he just had broken English? You know when they say, he's like, oh, he talks in these beautiful like backwards limericks.
But really maybe he just was, that sounds like every guy I've met that's super foreign. Andres does that.
Like what? Andres, he's like, Andrew, cards I need, where are they? All right. Maybe Yoda was just from Spain and people just were giving him a hard day.
They're like, oh, he's so wise. Speaking of this weird language.
You're like, I don't know, man. He could have just been super fucking foreign.
And also, ask you this about yoda is is that obviously he's a part of a race of types of people right yeah where are they not only where are they but they have to fuck well oh i know have you ever thought about that fucking me you are yeah. Yeah, they had to fuck.
And do you think they fuck outside of their race?

Do you think Yoda's fuck wooks?

No.

I mean, they want to.

No one wants to fuck them.

Yoda goes to Wookiees.

Yeah.

And he's just like, no.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To fuck me, I'm begging you.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're like, no.

Fuck.

Yeah, yeah, they're like that. Nobody's fucking Yoda's.
No one's fucking, yeah yeah what race is yoda what is he even did they even say yeah in the new the new what's the manchurian what mandarin mandarin mandarin candidate is the mentor what's it called mandalorian did they get into species whose two whose true name is not recorded we don't even know we don't even know. How the fuck did they even write that? Why would that so lazy? It's so lazy.
Write it. They made up a language.
Yeah. Write it.
Maybe it's kind of cool mysterious wise though, mystery wise. Put a label on it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you don't know what they are.
And by the way, Baby Yoda, not as cute as they're making it out to be. This goes back to our story.
Then this goes back to the squirrel conversations. Yeah.
I like, I don't, the behavior aside, I don't think it's cute. See, this thing.
Go to Baby Yoda, a better photo of Baby Yoda. I'm going to argue for him.
Okay, I'm telling you. Okay.
Here's my biggest beef about Baby Yoda that everybody thought was really cute. Okay.
Cute, right? Really cute. Yeah, yeah.
No. Yeah.
Go to the one right to the right. He's already balding.
Bro. He's balding.
It doesn't, bro. Nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with that. When you're a baby.
Yeah. In fact, look at the fuzz.
It has more hair than fucking Andreas. Look at the fuzz.
I don't, first of all, look at this. Okay, here's what I want to say about this thing.
Because we're just fighting for asides for no reason. Look at the pupils on this guy.
He's been using. Obviously, he's fucked up.
Yeah, he has been using. And look at the wrinkles on its upper lip.
You trust an aged baby that's been using all day? Yeah. Maybe he has progeria.
Oh, no. Then I feel bad.
You know what progeria is? No. It's a disease that affects a very small amount of people and it makes you like a...
It makes a six-year-old look like a 90-year-old man. Yeah, it's very sad.
Baby Yoda. Baby Yoda.
So cute. Oh, so cute.
How cute is this? So cute. By the way, I see you playing with the knives on there, which couldn't be more appropriate for you.
But let me say this. Do you even know anything about Freddy Krueger? He's on Nightmare on Elm Street.
I know, but do you know anything about him? Like his character? He's on people's dreams or nightmares and he kills them. Yeah.
But do you know anything about his past? No. Oh.
Wow. Wow.
He's probably my favorite. I know.
That's tough. Jason.
Jason's so good. Jason's pretty good.
Yo, I saw the best tweet today. I don't even know who wrote it because I don't want to take credit.
But somebody goes, they looked up the stats for Jason is 6'3". Yeah.
And he was like, this motherfucker had it all. Could have been a hooper, but wasted it on killing.
It was so funny. I was like, he's that tall? Because they have's a little stocky though he's heavy yeah he's a big boy he boxed out down below yeah wait a minute so it's let's go freddy cougar jason michael michael myers and jason vorhees vorhees yeah freddy cougar jason vorhees michael myers oh what uh uh help uh help

um Voorhees. Voorhees, yeah.
Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers. Oh.
What? Pinhead. Pinhead.
But what's that called? I don't know. They call him Pinhead.
What was the movies? Hellraiser. Hellraiser.
Because I was looking for Hellraiser. I want to tell you something about the creatures.
When I first saw Hellraiser. So fucking, dude.
It was so weird. Have you ever seen Hellraiser? No.
Look up the creatures in Hellraiser, the original Hellraiser. How scary scary this is a movie that came out in the early 80s i think i think it was mid 80s mid 80s yeah yeah yeah dude dude look at the creatures not him no go up to the top like yeah like that guy right there that guy go down go down go down like that like the guy right there look at that guy look at that guy go to the right Go to the right now That one No yeah that one I mean look at the guy To the right That looks like guys From the comedy store That I see That's true Zoom in on the guy On the right Pete The one on the left Is scarier Oh you think so No the one on the right By far he looks like a thumb Yeah It looks like Steve Simone No Who's that Cee cee-lo is that cee-lo green yeah maybe i'm

crazy that was a scary movie so fucking scary man because it dealt with not hell but like a fourth

dimension yeah you're in another world yeah different dimension of creatures that is the

thing though it's got to be sold really well because look nightmare was great because it was

in our real world so was jason yeah okay and so was michael myers yeah but with this it was like entering other worlds and they could easily come off as go down there good yeah no where the other go to the right yeah go to the right far right right that that one i'm gonna see that one. Zoom, zoom.
Can you zoom that in? Wow.

Yeah, well, they're kind of like

Marilyn Manson, the group.

Dude, you know, it's either, it's like Marilyn Manson

meets Tim Burton. Yeah.

But back when I saw that as a kid, though, I was

just like, imagine living in the suburbs,

you don't watch shit like this.

Well, also, there was not much out like that.

Horror movies, American horror movies,

weren't this good and gory. Yeah.
Dude, fucking movie a horror movie called vhs 94 i don't know that movie vhs 94 yeah there's i'm telling you right now there was a couple of of there what it is it's a found footage vhs tape pretty much that you find in you know it just came out it out. It just came out, right? And see that guy, the mad scientist? Uh-huh.
That mad scientist, it's like they're little vignettes. So they're like 8 minute, 10 minutes VHS found footage in a row, right? They don't, they're not really connected, right? Uh-huh.
But they were so cleverly done and so freaky. That is so good where did you see it on shutter what the fuck is shutter shutter is a streaming platform for horror movies only wow yeah shutter yeah how much is it a monthly fee or you just couple six seven bucks a month right you have to loan it to me yeah is that chelsea Chelsea Peretti please don't say that no it looks like her right there yeah look yeah look like her for a second so she's in one where she's like a news reporter so it basically looks like a 1990s news reporter everything is supposed to be from 94 yeah and going into like these subways because there's a legend that there's like a rat a rat human that lives there andres yeah anyway that was just something that i recommend imagine andres down in a subway and you're like a rat and he's like yeah i'm not satisfied and then he scurries away yeah yeah i want to this looks good i find by the way i finally finished finished squid game like i had scene six.
What'd think and then I finished finished it what'd you think I'm gonna give my fast wrap up because we already talked about Squid Game on the show before but here's the deal too many stories are being told at once not a fan of that way too many stories too many ancillary characters that you're like why the fuck was that guy involved but it's not about him yeah the ending also made me a little bit mad because the twist was cool, but then also elongated and a little draggy. It was a little draggy.
Well, no one's going to be... When you're writing a show like that, you're not going to satisfy everyone.
It's like when people got really mad about Game of Thrones, the last season of Game of Thrones, you were you're just ripping it apart it's like i just i just think so difficult it just drug on it just drug on a little bit too long to me it didn't to me it was like i wish they do a part two well they're gonna do a part two yeah and i thought that um in general the whole thing was it the the sets the squid dies by the way spoiler alert if anybody wants to know how immaculate were the sets well that's you dude you know you can buy the you can buy an alarm clock for your bed that's how do you say red light green light in korean i don't know that's so offensive you're your fucking history you're offensive to me ask me Ask me a word from my fucking Ireland. Yeah.

How do you say good morning in Ireland?

Good morning.

Oh, shit.

My bad.

There you go.

Yeah.

Okay, I should know mine then.

Actually, how do you say

I had a good morning in Ireland?

In Irish, ask me again.

How do you say

how you having a good morning in Ireland?

Have a drink?

That's it.

Oh, you went for the stereotype.

Have a drink and a smoke?

There we go. Made it original.
Quite original fight a fighter yeah I'm telling you you can buy that alarm clock and I was gonna buy that for you but you know what you know why I didn't buy it for you did I get you a birthday present not only did you not get me a birthday present you didn't even call me on my fucking birthday what day was it it was on Saturday don't get angry don't throw anything on Saturday. Yeah.
And guess who called you on my birthday? Me. Me to say hi.
Our relationship isn't a tit for tat. That's a fucking fact.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Our relationship is not a tit for tat.
All right. Yeah.
It's a tat. It's tat and tat.
Yeah. It's tat for tat.
It's tat for. No.
It's tat for tit shit. Tat to shit.
It's tit for shit for shit tit for shit right and um the present that i got you is still being mailed somewhere i can't tell you it's a surprise yeah can you yeah make it up no i'm not gonna make something up what are you getting so angry about look at your face i can tell the shift of your face you can't even see my eyes i know i could just see through it i don't like it wait can you see my eyes through here yeah yeah fucking cheap glasses yeah yeah so i could see your eyeballs but let me say this yeah i hope everybody has a happy halloween yeah i hope nobody hey nobody gets a razor blade in their candy yeah no one does that by the way they used to i don't i don't believe it yeah you know what was scary Remember the Tylenol scare When people were putting Tylenol in candy No when they put cyanide in the Tylenol Funny Yeah so back in the Chicago area Back in the early 80s Some guy took 10 Because back then they didn't have the protective seal. Right.
Right. So you could open it up.
So you could buy Tylenol, some guy, and they were the capsules. Yep.
So you could undo the capsule, dump it, and some dude put cyanide in there. That's so fucked up.
It's so fucked up. Repackage it, put it at pharmacies and grocery stores and whatnot, right? So there was one family that like somebody died, right? And he died and so at the so he took a Tylenol in his house they didn't know what it was so when his family gathered for his morning at the house two of the guests had headaches and they took the Tylenol and they died as well.
How crazy is that? That's so fucked. It's so fucked up.
And guess what? Huh? They never... Lived again.
...caught him. They never caught the cyanide Tylenol guy? So he got a freebie.
Two freebies? No, he killed like six, I think. What? Yeah, six or seven people.
What kind of criminal would you be like that? Would you be that kind of psycho psycho killer i'm not a hands-on kind of a guy so what would you you're you're killing like that you're killing through the mail type of shit no i would like maybe put like how would i do it i've thought about it i've never thought about have you thought about it yeah okay then what would you do uh no no What would you do? I don't want to say it No just hypothetically Oh Right Rice? Rice Oh yeah Yeah No I would do I like it when the psychological thrillers are like When they like get into your waterline And they put blood in the waterline Yeah And you're in someone's in the shower and they're like, and they see blood's coming out of that. Yeah.
And then they go to go, you know, get out of the house, but they can't get out of the house. Yeah.
You know? And then they cut the power. Yeah.
And then, well, then nobody has phone lines anymore. And I cut the phone lines.
Yeah. And then I bust into their house.
Yeah. Right? And they're like, and they're freaking out.
And then I'm like, I'm just fucking kidding. That's what you do? And then I get out of there.
Yeah. You know what I would do? And I'd turn around.
I would find a family. I don't know.
I would find a family. Yeah.
I had no one. Yuck.
I would find a family, right? Uh-huh. And I would know everything about the family, their routines when they go to jobs, right? I would pick up their mail.

Right.

I would move nearby, right?

I would invent a machine.

You'd buy property?

Yeah.

That's a big-

Big commitment.

That's a big commitment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I would rent.

Yeah, but then they got to do a credit check

and all that stuff.

It's fine.

They're not going to notice me,

so check it out, right?

Okay.

They don't know.

I also invent something.

And what it is, just hear me out, out right it's a little mechanism right that you put underneath a bed ooh okay yeah and if I call the number it releases it triggers it and what it does it puts out the volume smoke into the rooms right so if there's a family of five or six people and living in a house, right? I would put one in every, underneath them. When they're out of town, right, I would sneak in, right? Yeah.
And once I see everyone going in the house, all the lights going off, I would turn it on. And they'd be feeling good.
Yeah, they're passed out, right? You go inside and you kiss everyone on the forehead and then you leave.

Yep.

How'd you know?

It's nice and sweet.

Yeah.

What would you do, you little psychopath?

I'd stalk and only prey on men and... Okay.

Except for men that you're friends with and know well, right?

Any that I

would hate.

But like people that you work with you wouldn't stalk and kill.

I could. But like people

that you work with on a weekly basis that

are like family to you, you wouldn't, right?

No, it's fine.

No, it's fine you would? I would.

Wait, I'm not yet done.

Okay. What about guys you live with would you kill

people that men that you live with right and then when i stalk them i would um like sedate them or like put something in their drinks for them to sleep oh and then i put them in like the basement or if in the house of Tito Bhabi,

maybe in the garage.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

And then I would tie, like,

maybe... sleep.
Oh. And then I put them in like the basement or if in the house of Tutu Bobby, maybe in the garage.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
And then I would tie like maybe like six or eight men. Together.
We all get tied up together. And then what happens? And then while they're asleep I would put fireworks in their butts.
Like M80s? Yeah. Explosives? Yeah.
Yeah. And then...
Which, which, can I just... Do some guys get more explosives than others in their butt? Yeah, if I hate them more.
Okay. So, like, I would get maybe one and Bobby would get...
Honestly, how many explosives would I get in my butt? I didn't say you would be in it. How many explosives do I get in my butt? Maybe you'd get one and a half.
One and a half. How much does Bobby get? Five.
I get five explosives. Okay.
How about Pete? No, I don't want Pete in it and Andreas. Why the fuck do they get to live? Let's play it out.
They get to live? Yeah, let's play it out. Let's play it out.
Yeah. So I'm tied up.
I got one and a half explosives in my butthole. You've got five.
Are we naked? I don't want to see your dicks. So you cut our dicks off? No, like I just cut a hole on your pants.
Or you could just stick the fucking explosive in your butt. No, I want it inside.
Right. You could stick it in my butt and put my pants back on.

She doesn't want to have to take off your pants.

No.

She uses scissors, cuts the hole in your butt hole.

You'd rather cut a hole in my really fancy raw denim pants.

Yeah.

Ones that a homeless guy wore for a week.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so.

And then would you light them all at the same time?

Yeah, and I just record you.

Okay.

Can I just say this?

I don't think that would necessarily kill me. No, but I would do- An M80 in your butthole? Five of them? It's fucking explosives.
I know, but still, it's like I could still be torso guy. It would rip your body open.
Yeah, just the bottom half. I'm still torso guy from then on.
Bobby. I'll do the Special Olympics.
Do you remember? What what do you remember in our polar bear film yeah when your head like every bone in your brain and your head yeah same thing with your butt i know my butt but still your whole body your whole your whole middle your guts would spill out you'd be gone bud okay can you do one she doesn't know can you just do one that's why she put it in our butt i get five he's not gonna die you put one in his butt no because i need to experiment she wants to know who get who yeah how all right so i'm absolutely dead all right i'm you know this i'm fucking dead man yeah yeah but he's not no but i might be crawling around on my torso yeah if he's not dead i do something else what are you going to do this is what I like so he's gone I'm torso guy and I'm like I'm moving around the garage like a little bitch you would plead for your life right the whole time I go Rudy please I'll do anything don't call her by a fictional name you probably call her by a real name oh yeah um please don't hurt me don't kill me please please don't kill me I'll do anything that you want please and then what do you do I want to carve something in his stomach or face oh oh you're gonna do some artwork you're gonna make me a pumpkin yeah yeah what are you gonna carve like a message yeah or just like a design oh a design like a you're gonna make do some artwork. Are you going to make me a pumpkin? Yeah, yeah.
What are you going to call it? Like a message? Yeah, or just like a design. Oh, a design.
You're going to make art? So I'm art now. Yeah.
And you're going to put me on display? Like a sun or what? Yeah, like with a knife. Oh.
Fuck. That must hurt.
Are you going to eventually kill me? No. You're going to let me slowly die? Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
And then how are you going to get away with? I'm okay if I get caught. Holy fuck.
Oh my God. That's crazy.
There's no escape plan? No, but by the way, that's more scary to me. Someone that's like, I'm okay if I get caught.
That's scary. That's so scary.
Pretty scary. Yeah.
Well. You're going to move out.
No, you're going to keep down the house. I'm not going to do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like it it.
She's not gonna do it. Well, happy Halloween, Rudy.
Happy Halloween. I want you to look into your camera and do the most creepy voice of thank you for being a bad friend as creepy as you can.
Happy Halloween. No.
Thank you for being a bad friend is what I want you to say. You said happy Halloween! Didn't I say thank you for being a bad friend? Thank you for being a bad friend

is what I want you to say

you said happy Halloween

didn't I say thank you for being a bad friend

and also it's not creepy

I don't know how

we're not going until you do it

yeah that's true

get some raw on your voice

get some raw

something fucking creepy

something

thank you for being a bad friend

alright you do yours

Thank you for being a bad friend. All right, you do yours.
I do your camera and I'll do mine. Go.
You do your creepiest. Thank you.
The beer being my friend.

Whoa.

Andres, let's hear yours.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Just like a Spanish guy with his smoker's voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pete.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Pretty good. Rapist? Rapist, yeah.
and here's mine yeah ready yeah thank you for being a bad friend pretty good old timey pretty good. Yeah.
Yeah. Do you know, do you know, do you know that our dearest Pedro Andres is taking his citizenship test? That's amazing.
And he needs to become a citizen. That's incredible.
And he, he needs our help. I do.
No, seriously though, he is literally trying to naturalize. So here at the Bad Friends, you know, we have an illegal here.
Yeah. Well, hey.
Hey. Maybe two.
Okay. Got a couple of illegals.
Yeah, maybe. Yeah.
Yeah. And one of them is going to be naturalized, right? You're going to denounce your citizenship of Spain.
You're going to become an American citizen, right? Yeah. And buy a gun.
Buy a gun. Buy a gun, okay.
So this guy wants to take a citizenship test.

I can't even say it.

And are we going to help you study?

What is it?

What do you want us to do to help you get through it?

Yeah, I was hoping you guys could give me the answers.

Okay, let's see.

I think we know.

I bet you we know some of these answers.

I'm an American, man.

Rudy, do you know some of this stuff?

No.

You should study too.

All right, pull the mic closer, Rudy,

so we can have your answers. I don't know the first one.

I'm fucked.

All right, Rudy, who wrote the Declaration of Independence?

George Washington?

Bobby?

John Adams.

John Hancock.

John Adams.

Thomas Jefferson.

Thomas Jefferson.

Who said that?

Fancy.

I've been studying a little bit. Wait a minute to do you not know the answers to these? yeah what is one promise you make when you become a United States citizen? you you risk your life for the country? for the country is that your answer? yeah What is one promise you make when you become a United States citizen? To vote for Trump when he runs on a second term? Maybe.
I think that's it. What is it? What do you think? You can...
You can... buy a gun.
You can buy a gun. You can buy a gun.
Okay, what gun okay what is it fans you have to reject your loyalty to other countries oh I know that and you better and you better who was the president during World War I I don't think Roosevelt you know when somebody says when you know when somebody says

go back to your country

yeah

where do we go

what does the president's cabinet do

other than hold it's China Oh shit! This is fun! Woo-hoo Yeah

Woo-hoo

Yeah

Woo-hoo

Yeah