Spooky Nights and Unicorn Love

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Speaker 3 I'm so excited

Speaker 3 I'm taking Bobby, Jules, Andrew and the bad friends team to Universal Studios. It's gonna be so much fun.
It's Halloween horror night

Speaker 3 So here is the deal. I just got a call from Bobby

Speaker 3 He is not coming

Speaker 3 Also, Jules is not coming, so I am not sure what Andrew's gonna say.

Speaker 3 I'm a little scared to tell you the truth. I think he's gonna blame it on me for some reason.

Speaker 3 But I'll keep you guys posted. Let's see what we do.

Speaker 2 Alright, so.

Speaker 2 The moment of truth.

Speaker 2 Meeting, Andrew.

Speaker 2 Hey Andrew, how you doing?

Speaker 4 What up? I'm excited to be scared, dude. Let's do this.
Halloween horror nights.

Speaker 2 Where's Bob?

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 this is the deal. Like, Bobby called me.

Speaker 3 He's at the airport and he's not coming. And Jules is not coming either.
Or Pete, I think it's just the two of us.

Speaker 4 We all said we were going to meet here on Friday night, dude.

Speaker 3 I know, I think maybe they got the dates.

Speaker 2 This is not cool, man. That isn't.

Speaker 3 I mean, maybe I texted him that wrong. I knew he was going to do do this.

Speaker 2 I knew he was gonna bail. I don't wanna do this because I'm like

Speaker 2 I might actually get scared at some of this stuff. It's a little weird.
I don't really like it. It freaks me out.
So I'd rather be with a group.

Speaker 2 I'm whatever.

Speaker 3 It's just such a thing we got.

Speaker 3 Look, if you look dumb, I can cut around it and I think we'll be fine. Let's get a couple things with here.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 5 I'm scared. I'm actually scared.
I don't want to do it.

Speaker 2 Let's go back.

Speaker 2 Let's go back out. I want to go back to the car.

Speaker 5 I don't want to do it anymore.

Speaker 2 I don't like it. I want to go home.

Speaker 3 Here you are.

Speaker 3 Come on, Andrew. We have done one.
Do you want to do a couple more?

Speaker 2 No, I want to go home.

Speaker 4 I don't want to do this anymore. I got scared and I'm embarrassed and I want to go home.

Speaker 3 We'll cut it around.

Speaker 2 I think it's got great stuff.

Speaker 3 What if I get you a snack?

Speaker 3 Yeah?

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I got Andrew a churro.

Speaker 3 I think he's gonna be happy.

Speaker 3 This is not the night I imagine, but you know, anything for you, my friends. Let's see.
Oh.

Speaker 3 Hey, Andrew.

Speaker 2 I have a churro for you. You got me a cinnamon penis.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 3 Yes, how do you like it?

Speaker 3 This is fun.

Speaker 2 Hey. Hey.

Speaker 2 So check this out. We want to promote a couple of things.
I'm on the road, AndrewSantino.com. I'm in San Francisco this weekend.
I added shows in Philly and Seattle and Portland.

Speaker 2 I'm coming to Atlanta, Chicago, New York, Grand Rapids, Pittsburgh, Columbus. I'm all over the place.
We just added Florida. AndrewSantino.com.
Tell them to see me. Oh, go see him.

Speaker 2 He's one of the best in the world. AndrewSantino.com.
Also,

Speaker 4 Bobby's got something.

Speaker 2 So October 22nd on Netflix, my show, I'm on an animated show called Inside Job with me, Lizzie Kablin, Brett Gelman, Andrew Daly, a bunch of people. Awesome.
And it's about a shadow government.

Speaker 2 And I play,

Speaker 2 I'm a regular on it. I'm on every episode.
Awesome. And I play the Chinese scientist.
Oh,

Speaker 2 yeah, but check it out. And also, these shirts.
These shirts are available right now.

Speaker 4 They're available.

Speaker 2 The Bad Friends, Chili Chill. Chili Chill and Mr.
Hollywood

Speaker 2 are available right now. They should be in the merch bar below.
Otherwise, go to badfriendsmerch.com, badfriendsmerch.com. You two are bad friends.
These two idiots.

Speaker 2 You two.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. One, two, three, four, five o'clock, rock.

Speaker 2 Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, blah, blah. No, no, no, no, that's not the.
It's... My bow!

Speaker 2 It was a monster bag. Oh, yeah, that one.

Speaker 2 It was a graveyard smash. How does the music part go?

Speaker 2 How does it go? How does it go? Do you know what it is? It's a monster man. Ooh.

Speaker 2 Who are you? Who are you? Freddy Krueger. From what? From what movie? Nightmare on Elvis.
Oh, great.

Speaker 2 Robert England. And what are you? I'm Panda.
Oh, from Panda. From Kung Fu Panda.

Speaker 2 Well, give us a little kung fu.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, what are you doing, Fance? Yeah, what are you? Fancy is, uh, Fancy's walked into the room. He's, he's Pedro.
He's Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite, the film that came out 30 years ago.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's right. He's really keeping it up to date.
What are you smoking? It's just a vape. Give it to me.

Speaker 2 Is there drugs in it? No. Still out.
Let's see. I like this.
Look.

Speaker 2 Float. Flum float gummy drop.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Oh, it smells good. Yeah.
Should I get into vapes?

Speaker 2 Come on, man. Is this my thing now?

Speaker 2 I don't want to put my lips where your lips were. Why? I'm afraid of that.
No, that's racist, dude. Do it.
It has nothing to do with it. It has to do with race.
If it was Jesuit, it was just here.

Speaker 2 If it was Jesuit, you would fucking do it. He's cuter than you.
But that has nothing to do with being clean. If my lips turn yellow after this, I'm going to be like,

Speaker 2 all right, you know what? I'll put my hip fingers in front of it. Watch this.
Yeah, this will work. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I hate this. Okay.
Ew. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, whoa.

Speaker 2 I feel it now. It's not marijuana.
No, I know. I don't like it.
Yeah, yeah. I'm not a vape guy.
Are you a vape guy? No. You don't look like a vape guy.
Vapes are for losing.

Speaker 2 Oh, let's start from the beginning. Hey.

Speaker 2 What's wrong? Why are you depressed? I'm a panda with it. And I'm depressed.

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 I haven't had bamboo in a couple of days. Oh, look, look, look.
That's not... Oh, bamboo!

Speaker 2 Bamboo!

Speaker 2 And also, um... Oh, look, a little bamboo for my little panda bear.

Speaker 2 And my mic just broke. Jesus.

Speaker 2 What's wrong with my little panda bear?

Speaker 2 Is you a little shad panda? Yeah. Yeah, why are you a little shad panda?

Speaker 2 Because of my black eyes. Well, what do you have black eyes for? My husband beats me.
Oh!

Speaker 2 Your husband hits you?

Speaker 2 yeah like my husband my husband says you know i'm going to work right and i'm like bye and then like five days later he comes back and he's got like track marks on his arms your husband is a heroinat your panda husband is a heroinet yeah and he and he um you can tell that he has a belly full of bamboo and doesn't bring me any and then he punches my eyes and he goes panda's supposed to be have black eyes and he punches my eyes no yeah and then he um comes on my white belly

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 You can't really see it's there then, can you? What? Because if it's mixed, it's white. Your belly's white.
I know, but that's when I go to the police. I go, he came on my belly.

Speaker 2 We can't get the fuck out of here, panda. You know what I mean? No, the cops sent you away.
Well, apparently they say it's all for humans only. Oh, no.
It's for humans only.

Speaker 2 So, what are domestic violence pandas supposed to do? We have to go see the bear, the black bear. What? Oh, he always is.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. The sheriff.
Yeah. He's like, you need help.
Yeah, see, Grizzly Bear. Is it Eric Griffin? Eric Griffith? Eric Grizzly the Bear?

Speaker 2 Eric Grizzly Bear the Bear.

Speaker 2 You need help, Dog. Oh, Barbara, you need help.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm Barbara.
Oh, Barbara, you need help? Yeah, my husband, he's been out shooting heroin with all the other bad pandas.

Speaker 2 Another panda out there doing heroin again.

Speaker 2 Come all over my belly. I can't see any of it.
It's mixed in with all that white fur. I know.
What a dilemma. Poor little panda.
And I tell them to come on my arm so they can see the colour.

Speaker 2 Yeah, then you'd see it. Yeah, yeah.
What do you want me to do about it?

Speaker 2 anal

Speaker 2 bend over,

Speaker 2 and then you fuck me behind a tree. Yeah, yeah, I like your pandic.
What do I look like? Do you know what I am? You're an angry hippie. No, you know what I am?

Speaker 2 A communist.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's right. You're a communist.
I'm a communist. Yeah, I'm a communist.
That was obvious. I'm a commie bastard.
Yeah, an obvious, you're a communist.

Speaker 2 I want everyone to have everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a commie. What are you?

Speaker 6 I'm Fraggie, Freddie Kruger.

Speaker 2 He's Frankie Kruger.

Speaker 2 You look just like a girl girl that's on Melrose.

Speaker 2 Oh, there,

Speaker 2 it's a dead giveaway. Fraggy Krueger.
Frankie Krueger. Freddy Krueger.
Frankie Krueger. Fraggy Krueger from the island of the Philippines.

Speaker 2 Fraggy Kruger. Yeah.
Yo, cut my cambangas on Frankie Kruger. Let me ask you something, Jules.
If you were walking like that down the street with the fucking knives, but like in August,

Speaker 2 like in Cebu, like you're just walking downtown Cebu, right? You think people would be like, they would turn their heads or they would just

Speaker 2 I think they wouldn't mind. They wouldn't mind.
Nobody would think twice about

Speaker 2 wielding.

Speaker 2 If those were real knives, would anybody say anything?

Speaker 6 Maybe, but I don't think so.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's so wild.

Speaker 2 That's not even a thing. It's not, yeah.
That's not a big deal. People are allowed to just be chaotic down there because people have so many other problems going on.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the last thing on their mind. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I love going to see like homeless people in like countries like that. Why? I love visiting them.
Do you know why? Why? They always have the best jeans. Homeless people? Yeah, because it's like.

Speaker 2 They're worn in enough. Yeah, they wear it in the way where it's like, oh, that's a cool, you know what I mean? Like vomit and, you know, poo.
Pooh, lot of poo. Right.
And like

Speaker 2 pure beard. Pure mud.
Blood.

Speaker 2 It's all stained. I'd like to buy them from them.

Speaker 2 How much would you pay for them? Probably like a couple hundred bucks. Seriously? Yeah, there's some, some of them are dope, man.
What if we start a raw denim company where you and I go get raw denim?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then we give it to homeless people to wear for like a week and then we pay them to give it back to us and then we sell it to rich people.

Speaker 2 They already do that. So APC, you have heard of APC? They don't do that.
APC used to ask Kevin Christie. APC used to give people jeans.
You wait them wear them for a year.

Speaker 2 They buy them back from you. Yeah, no, I'm talking about giving them to a homeless guy to poop in them and have rip holes and do heroin and stuff.
Right.

Speaker 2 But wait a minute, they would pay you to wear them and give them back? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So you wait them for a year? They give you raw denim. They give you raw denim.

Speaker 2 You go, you

Speaker 2 live in them for a year. Don't wash.

Speaker 2 Don't wash. Never wash.
Bring them back. And then they go, here's some money.
How often do you wash your jeans? Never. You've never washed a pair of jeans.
No. Have you ever washed a pair of jeans?

Speaker 6 I always wash them when I wear them after.

Speaker 2 So every time you wear a pair of jeans, you wash them. Yeah.
That's wrong. You're not supposed to do that.

Speaker 2 How often do you wash your hair? Every day. Yeah, not supposed to do that either.
She takes your showers.

Speaker 2 I should charge you.

Speaker 2 How much do you think it costs for her, like each shower she takes?

Speaker 2 And this is not even an exaggeration.

Speaker 2 I've clocked her at an hour.

Speaker 2 Have you seriously taken an hour shower?

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It makes you so at like 30 minutes, you're like, it's fine.

Speaker 2 She's dirty. Is that because she's making up for all those years of not having running water in Cebu? Is that what it is?

Speaker 6 Maybe because there's no hot water in Cebu.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, I feel bad for that. Let her take take two hours.

Speaker 2 You know, hey, look up. How much does it cost for like per gallon to run your shower? Yeah, how much is it for an hour shower? What do you think it is? Hour shower probably.
Five bucks.

Speaker 2 I was going to say 10, but I feel like five is about. Assuming that the rates of electricity and water in your area are national average, 12 cents per kilowatt hour and $1.50 kilowatt U.S.

Speaker 2 gallons each. So for every

Speaker 2 gallon, it's $1.50. Each shower costs you 25 cents or 51 cents per day for the whole household.
Whoa, that's nothing. How much is it?

Speaker 2 So, so average, I would say that it says it costs you 25 to 51 cents per household. Yeah.
Per shower. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But she's taking what would be

Speaker 2 a five, five, five, four or five showers.

Speaker 2 Four or five showers. So every day you're probably costing $2 or $3.
Oh, yeah, fuck it.

Speaker 2 Shower and fuck it. You know what? Five hours.
I think I got some money in here. Hey,

Speaker 2 yeah. There's a shower.
There's a shower. Give that to Bob if he ever comes.
Whoa, good catch, Rude. Yeah.
Honestly, that's pretty impressive. I didn't know.

Speaker 2 I thought that was way more expensive for some reason. Why did my parents yell at me all the time for taking long showers? I don't know, but why don't you go to the Korean spa with me?

Speaker 2 I've asked you so many times. Oh, really? Do you have time to go to Korean spa between going to do Sex in the City and then going to do Magnum PI and then doing the show? Tell me when you have time.

Speaker 2 No, but before I have, when I have time. Tell me when you have time.
When I didn't have the time. When I didn't have the time, you've never had time.
You've never had time. I've always had time.

Speaker 2 I asked you to. Panda shouldn't be angry.
Panda should not be angry. I'm Sad Panda.

Speaker 2 and I'm the communist yeah yeah remember I asked you to go trick-or-treating this year and you said absolutely not what do panda sound like

Speaker 2 okay that's who you're thinking yeah let me see if I can guess

Speaker 2 you just repeated what I did

Speaker 2 it's the same thing that's true let me see

Speaker 2 that's true that's exactly what I did

Speaker 2 that's true

Speaker 2 my bad my bad do yours again.

Speaker 2 Good, Rudy?

Speaker 6 I just think of them as like

Speaker 2 Rudy.

Speaker 6 I'm expanding because it's just going to be one sound. Like, oh.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 All right. You could have just done it.
You don't have to explain it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look up what pandas sound like, Pete. I got to tell you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yours, that second one you did, the gunner roll one. Yeah.
That was, in my mind, sounded like what I think they do sound like. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Because a sloth sounds like this.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's hear what pandas sound like. And by the way, huh? Obviously not.
Not even a good effort. What a minimum.
It's an archie bunker. All right, let's hear.

Speaker 2 Huh, to the moon.

Speaker 2 Do you find them, though? People go, oh, pandas are the cutest bears. I don't find them the cutest though You know what's so funny? I've I do think they're very cute.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but also sometimes I think things that aren't cute are like I think squirrels are cute as shit. Oh, I love them.
I think they are cute. They're 100% cute.
What about raccoons?

Speaker 2 Cute as fuck man. I agree.
Yeah. What about

Speaker 2 I'll tell you I tell you why we think they some people think they're ugly. Huh.
It's they base it on their behavior. And you know what? What? Because of who we are? Yeah.

Speaker 2 We don't judge on the behavior. We don't judge on behavior.
We judge on looks alone. And how cute you are.
Cute. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're in my garbage dump for fucking with your family, eating fucking garbage food. Yeah.
And stealing is one thing. Fine.
Right.

Speaker 2 But when you pop your head out of that fucking thing and you look at me with those little cute faces. What am I going to do? Nothing.
Yeah. I love you.
I love you so much. You're right.

Speaker 2 We judge by the behavior. Yeah.
I don't want to judge by bad behavior. Although, although I will say.
Squirrels don't have bad behavior.

Speaker 2 No. I don't think so.
What about pigeons? Pigeons. I don't find them cute, though.

Speaker 2 Sometimes this is cute. That is cute.

Speaker 2 Just head bobbing is cute.

Speaker 2 That is true. I never thought of it that way.
Why is that?

Speaker 2 It's a bird bob. Yeah, look at how cute that is.
Yeah, but to me, you know what I mean? I think you're looking at the bob and you're putting sexuality to it. No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're imagining

Speaker 2 a dev just on your shit right there. Right? And they don't really, those muscles that they're using,

Speaker 2 it's like when a girl is going down on you, right? They're not necessarily muscles they generally use. So they get sore after a while.
Oh. After about a minute.

Speaker 2 What if pigeons, the reason they're walking around like that, is they're practicing sucking dick.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Right, right. And then like the guy pigeons are in the trees.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Practice. Practice.
Yeah. Two months.
January 12th, I'll meet you on this tree stump. Get back here when you can.
Yeah, when you can.

Speaker 2 Also, by the way, I learned the other day I was in Boston Common, Boston Common in the Pac. Yeah.
Love going sitting in the park. I saw photos.
And I was looking at the squirrels. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you know how an average life of a squirrel is? Let me guess. Yeah.

Speaker 2 A year and a half? That's what I thought.

Speaker 2 What do you think? How long do you think an average? I also thought one year. That's what I said? How much? Eight to ten years.
Well, that's a good one. How do they

Speaker 2 that doesn't make sense? It's a great one. How about the average life? How about a bird? You know what a bird? We looked it up, too.

Speaker 2 What's the average span of a common bird, which encompasses a lot of birds? Average lifespan

Speaker 2 what do you say rude two to three two to three two to three is exactly correct that's the average lifespan a bird two couple years

Speaker 2 couple years

Speaker 2 and let me ask you this yeah you you you get all the birds in the sky yeah sometimes i'll walk i'll be trolling down or frolicking frolicking mostly i like frolicking through you know gardens or pastures yeah mostly that's my thing you're very big into pastures yeah yeah yeah And you've never seen me.

Speaker 2 I wear my overalls, right? And I always put my head in the pigtails, right? I put little freckles on my face with the you know, I mean, yeah, and I have a basket. You always have a basket.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I frolic.

Speaker 2 Are you wearing a little tiny skirt? Oh, yeah, in a pastion, right? And can I sing? Skip, right? And I see your little woot hanging out underneath. Right.

Speaker 2 And I sing white music like zippity dooda, zippity day.

Speaker 2 Jeremiah had a bull frolic. You know, all the white classics.
What are the other white classics? Right, right.

Speaker 2 Happy birthday to you. That's everyone.
What else?

Speaker 2 Take it easy. Eagles.
Take it easy. And I'm frolicking.
What? Why? What else?

Speaker 2 Go. Go back.
Go back to your country.

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Speaker 2 That's a white song. That's a good one.

Speaker 2 What's another white song?

Speaker 2 Build the wall. Build the wall.
Can I just finish my pasture? Please. So I like to frolic,

Speaker 2 but when I frolic, I look at the birds, right? Yeah. And I count them.
And I know the varieties, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Right? There's a woodpecker. There's an owl.
Right, right. There's an owl.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 And.

Speaker 2 Sparrow. Beautiful.
What a beautiful creature. Dove.
Beautiful creature. Quail.

Speaker 2 Are you just rattling off all the birds you know? Pheasant.

Speaker 2 Okay, good.

Speaker 2 Hummingbird.

Speaker 2 Bluebird. Yeah.
Bald eagle. Blue jay.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Chicken. Cardinal.
Rooster.

Speaker 2 Two of those things can't fly. You just name two things that can't fly.
But they're still birds, right? You got it. Well, then

Speaker 2 I thought that that was the game we were fucking playing. Swan.
Swan? Mm-hmm. Duck.

Speaker 2 Very good. Why? Well, just taking duck from me because that was my next one for sure.
I know. And I stumped you.
Because I went to ponds.

Speaker 2 As soon as I got into ponds. I know.
And I stumped you, right? I think you got me a duck. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're done? Fuck a duck. A fuck a duck.
You got me. So can I finish the frolic? 100%.
Right.

Speaker 2 I count them all, right? Sometimes it's like. Macau.

Speaker 2 Fuck, man. Fruit bat.
Parrot. It's fruit bat a bat bird? It's a bat.
It's a bat. Different.

Speaker 2 Oh, my bad. Parrot.
Parrot? Bird of paradise. Parakeet.
That's great. That's a good one.
I'm a parrot to parakeet. That's a really good.
You gotta have one more. Otherwise,

Speaker 2 I know, but you took a long time after duck.

Speaker 2 Did you not? I admitted I failed. I know, but you got.
got it. You're stalling right now.
Hawk. Very good.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hawk.

Speaker 2 Let's go. Let's finish frolicking.
You're right. I'm sorry.
Go ahead. All right.
I count all the birds. Let me just get to the point, right? Please.
There's thousands of birds, right?

Speaker 2 But they, so you're saying they die after two or three years. Pterodactyl.
Pterodactyl's not a fucking bird. They were a bird.
They were a bird. You don't even know they existed.

Speaker 2 Oh, are you a flat earther?

Speaker 2 That's true. They're existing.
Of course they existed. They existed.
All right, so you're frolicking through the field. Yeah.
Did I do Hummingbird? You did. That was your first one.

Speaker 2 Oh, that was my first one? Yeah, you can't go back. That's my favorite one, though.
In fact, when you do twice, it's done. Any birds? Any game to do? Any birds to throw in? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 Raven.

Speaker 2 Raven. Raven!

Speaker 2 Very much good. Huh? Vulture.
Vulture. Vulture.

Speaker 2 You?

Speaker 2 Condor. Condor is a good one.
Condor. Condor is a good one, dude.
Come on. Blue Jay? I already said Blue Jay.
Fuck. Yep.
You did. Yep, you're running out.
I remember Blue. You're running out.

Speaker 2 I'm not running out. You're running out.
I'm I'm running in. You're running out.
I'm running in. Don't say running out because it fucks up with my mom.
Uh-oh, we're closing the door. No, there's no.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 All right. All right, you're in the field.
So, and you're saying they die every two or three years. Two to three years is the average lifespan of most birds.

Speaker 2 So you're talking about thousands of birds are dying at one time. Where

Speaker 2 are the bodies? Have you thought of that? That's exactly what I thought of. When I read two to three years, I thought, where do they go? Yeah.
Because in my life, right, I've walked around.

Speaker 2 Bob, where do they fucking go? I'm asking you. I'm telling you that I walk around.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And probably 10 times in my life, I've said, oh, there's a poor dead bird on the street or in a forest or whatever. Right.
Yeah. But you're talking about thousands of days of birds dying.

Speaker 2 Where are the bodies? I see dead birds more rarely than I see roadkill.

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Speaker 2 We did it. We looked, we looked at some of the variables and

Speaker 2 it turns out we bet you money if you, me, Fauci,

Speaker 2 some other scientists, right? He's a doctor. We need a scientist.
Who's a Neil deGrasse Tyson? Neil deGrasse Tyson. Me, you, and Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Let's check a couple of boxes with him.

Speaker 2 What? What is his? He's black. He is.

Speaker 2 Right? So it's like, we're checking boxes. We're checking boxes and also building a scientific community.
Community. With one guy.
So listen, Vietnamese fans. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Don't be offended. No, of course not.
And we're also not accusing you of anything. We're just saying.
Yeah, it could be them.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't think so, though.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 Because, yeah.

Speaker 2 They might. Go ahead.
Well, I was going to say, they might be the reason that in my neighborhood, there's always signs that say coyotes are out there eating dogs.

Speaker 2 I've never seen a coyote take one, but dogs go missing a lot. Dude, that is such an interesting fucking theory, dude.
Dogs go missing. You're absolutely right a lot, right?

Speaker 2 And I've never seen a coyote eat a dog. And I've heard, let me know.
I heard they do. Can I just say this too? And this is probably just, you know, this is probably a stretch, right? But one time.

Speaker 2 Stretch it. Right.
I mean, stretching it. One time when we first moved into our house, right? I heard the account at coyotes, right?

Speaker 2 Because, you know, the real estate guy said there's a lot of coyotes here. So we got the fence for our dogs.
So three three in the morning, I was out there with the dogs, Jules, right? I hear

Speaker 2 you know, the cowie,

Speaker 2 right? I heard it though, is that it? I don't know,

Speaker 2 whatever they hollow at the moon, yeah, but they kind of chatter,

Speaker 2 they do that noise,

Speaker 2 yeah, something like that, exactly. That's dead up,

Speaker 2 right, right, right. And I looked, and it was

Speaker 2 three Filipinos.

Speaker 2 Oh, my! And now, I'm not, I'm not, listen, Listen, I'm not saying anything. Right?

Speaker 2 Right. But they were naked.
Oh, they were? Naked.

Speaker 2 Making noises. Right?

Speaker 2 Right. Making the noises.
They had fucking spears. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 And they were hunting for something. Now.
Did you ask them what they were hunting for? I go, hey, get out of here. I mean, what do you get out of here? They're on your property.

Speaker 2 And here's what's fucking crazy about this, right?

Speaker 2 They seem to not understand what I was saying. Bullshit.
Right. So they were like, I go, get out of here.
And they're like,

Speaker 2 they spoke that. They spoke

Speaker 2 coyote. Right? So I feel like they're like people that were like raised in the woods.
Raised by coyotes. Coyotes.

Speaker 2 Can you prove to me you can't speak coyote right now? I can't. Prove.
Prove. How? Let me hear coyote and let me see if it sounds real.
It's not.

Speaker 2 Well, oh, see, that's what somebody would say if they know coyotes. Okay, I'll.

Speaker 2 Bro, that's exactly what you're doing. Was that what it sounded like? Bro, when when you were trying to do the coyote, right? I go, that's not exactly right.

Speaker 2 But when she did it organically, do it again. I'm going to look away from you.
Do it again, wrote Jules.

Speaker 2 Come and get inside. See,

Speaker 2 my instinct is to get the dogs inside the house, dude.

Speaker 2 Get inside!

Speaker 2 Right? They're here! Right? Oh, fuck.

Speaker 6 I thought you said I was a bat.

Speaker 2 That's true. To be fair.
To be fair.

Speaker 2 One could be both. You're allowed to be both things.

Speaker 2 And yes, you are a bad. Yeah, yeah.
One could be both. Freddie Bat.
By the way,

Speaker 2 our whole Bad Friends team dressed up.

Speaker 2 Of course, Andreas is the ever-present, very topical character of Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite.

Speaker 2 And Pete is.

Speaker 2 What are you, Pete?

Speaker 2 I'm Napoleon.

Speaker 2 And he's Napoleon. Yeah.
Because Bad Friday

Speaker 2 is on a budget. On a budget, yeah.
And I didn't know that Napoleon was a fat fox.

Speaker 2 Bob. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, all right? Well, say it to him.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, Pete, right?

Speaker 2 But when you see me in this panda outfit, I'm shaped like a panda. Yeah, that makes sense.

Speaker 2 You look right now, dude, I literally thought I was in fucking Woodstock right now. Every time I look at you.
Yeah, dude, it's like, did I just time travel? Right. What do hippies do?

Speaker 2 What are my hands doing? What are you? That's exactly what you're, because there's trails, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're creating trails. You're high as fuck.
Yeah, dude. You're sucking fucking unicorn cock.
No, no, I'm playing a recorder. Oh, you're playing this a little recorder.
What? No, no.

Speaker 2 I thought you were doing unicorn cock. What do you imagine a unicorn cock looks like? Not like a normal cock.
Why, just like a bunch of colors. Yeah, but it can't be shaped like a normal cock.

Speaker 2 There's no, I mean, I get that the color, it's candy striped. I feel like a unicorn cock is not even a solid thing, but it's a ray of light.

Speaker 2 Whoa, right? You're touching on some good shit.

Speaker 2 I know. So it's like.
So it's a heavy beat. Let's imagine.
Let's imagine, right? Mm-hmm. That I'm

Speaker 2 a wood elf. I see it.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I see it. I see it, right? I see it.
I'm a wood elf, right? Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 And I was fucking just all day.

Speaker 2 What am I killing? Orcs. Orcs.
I'm killing goblins and orcs

Speaker 2 and cave troll. Flink, fling, right? Yeah.
I'm exhausted, right? Tired. I go to the Shire, right?

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 I pull back a couple. Pints.
Oh, you're

Speaker 2 going to get a pint. I'm here, right? Right.
I'm a little pipsy, right? And Fronto. You know what I mean? Good to see you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was funny. That joke.
Right. Talking shit to friends.
Talking shit, right? I'm walking out of the fucking bar, right?

Speaker 2 And they're like, you're going home? What else? That's what they call me.

Speaker 2 You don't have a name. Woody.
Woody. That's a name.
Woody. You're going to home? I'm going home.
I'm not. Where are you going? I'm going out to get some fucking unicorn cock.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're cold. Combust, right?

Speaker 2 Are they like prostitutes? Are unicorns prostitutes? No. No.
Right? But they're not gay.

Speaker 2 What are they? They're not anything. They're not anything, but I'm pretty sure they're not gay.
Okay. They could be.
I don't know. But you go out to the woods to go get them.
I don't get them.

Speaker 2 Well, you go. They come to me.
I do the little because Gandalf taught me how to do the whistle.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 that dude from the fucking movie

Speaker 2 from the movie dude so you whistle right they come get comes out was what's gandalf's name was shadow mere or shadow facts or something like that that was his horse's name shadow facts yeah shadow facts

Speaker 2 right so but it's not shadow facts it's a fucking unicorn right and fucking you know i mean yeah i'm gonna get he's when he's hopping he's got big wings he's also going no he's not he's this is his hooves oh okay right he's i'm about to get my dick suck right that's what he's doing

Speaker 2 He's running faster. You know what I mean? Like, he would run fast if Orc were chasing him.
Yeah. But he runs doubly fast when he knows that this Woody is going to suck his dick.

Speaker 2 Because he's excited because you're good. I'm probably pretty good.
You're probably one of the dudes. He's a drunk too.
He's not going to remember nothing. I'm going to do it on his face.

Speaker 2 Oh, whatever.

Speaker 2 And he comes out, and I get on my knees. Right.
Yeah. And he does what a dog does.

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 When he's peeing. The rocket comes out? No, he just lifts one leg like this.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he lifts one of the legs. He doesn't even really acknowledge you.
He doesn't yet lift up his leg. Well, yeah.
He's also not. Is he looking down at you at all?

Speaker 2 He's also, you know what he's doing? Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's looking at a female unicorn from across the way because he's not even like, he doesn't like cross species. So to get hard or whatever,

Speaker 2 he's got to look at a female unicorn. That makes sense.
So when he does this, he's looking at, what is it, Felicia? You know what I mean? Felicia, just do, you're right. Spin it.

Speaker 2 A beam of light enters my mouth.

Speaker 2 And it's like, it's like, you know what it's like? No? Like those fucking in Ghostbusters, those fucking... Oh, yeah,

Speaker 2 the guns.

Speaker 2 The stream's going to be.

Speaker 2 And it makes my mouth go...

Speaker 2 It's pulling right, right?

Speaker 2 Right, right. And he unloads, right?

Speaker 2 And it's just like, I ate 93,000 marshmallows.

Speaker 2 Right? He

Speaker 2 gallops away.

Speaker 2 It's coming out of my mouth.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Everywhere. Yeah, like that.
Everywhere. That goes into your mouth.
That goes in my mouth. And how do you feel when it's over?

Speaker 2 Well, I'm going to. I assume I'm going to blackout drunk.
I wake up in the field. Right.
With marshmallows everywhere. And you know how you wake up, right? And you're like,

Speaker 2 you know, you just do that because your mouth is dry. But this time,

Speaker 2 because of this fucking

Speaker 2 more. And like rainbow-colored, like marshmallows.

Speaker 2 And I just go, I gotta go to. I'm never

Speaker 2 doing that. Yeah, yeah, because every time I get drunk, and then you're sober three years,

Speaker 2 you're in a meeting, right? You're sharing, you know, and a unicorn. It got so bad.
Wait, wait, yeah, that's what. So

Speaker 2 it got so bad for me, man. I used to go to the shower, get drunk, right? I used to blow.
I used to blow unicorns. Right?

Speaker 2 And in the audience, you hear,

Speaker 2 right? He's sober now. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He doesn't do it anymore. He doesn't do it anymore either.
But

Speaker 2 he comes up to you while you're having coffee

Speaker 2 after the meeting. During the break,

Speaker 2 having a cigarette. Right.

Speaker 2 And he's like, you ever thought about doing it again?

Speaker 2 Just to tempt you.

Speaker 2 Right. And I look down at his crotch, right? Yeah.
Not that a laser comes out, right? No. But a little bit of a like a little bit of a glow.
A little glow. Like,

Speaker 2 to remind you. Right.
And I start salivating, right? And I relapse at night. I relapse at night.
Yeah, yeah. Poor Woody.
It's a sad tale. It's a sad tale, but it's a true tale.
It's a true tale.

Speaker 2 Did you find out what a panda sounds like, by the way, after 20 minutes of this chaos? Oh, here we go. Let's hear what they sound like.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. We were close.

Speaker 2 Let's hear.

Speaker 2 so cute

Speaker 2 Yeah, it sounds like Andreas's car starting when he leaves

Speaker 2 So fucking

Speaker 2 are they deadly they I think they can kill I think they can kill humans yeah but can you like if I was in China

Speaker 2 like you and I are in China

Speaker 2 right? And we see a panda, would you, I'm being real, we see not

Speaker 2 in the wild in the wild, right? In its natural habitat. Of course, we have bamboo sticks, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Would you be scared to approach it?

Speaker 2 Honestly, yeah.

Speaker 2 Because look, no matter how adorable, don't approach a giant panda in the wild. They have strong grips.
They can deliver powerful bites strong enough to harm a human leg. So they can get through you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but a leg for a story?

Speaker 2 What? I mean, leg versus story. Yeah, I guess lose a leg.

Speaker 2 It's a great story. I guess lose a leg.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But I mean, a TED talk on it. But when you approach them, like, it's different with, like,

Speaker 2 you can't really pet. Are you going to pet it?

Speaker 2 No, I wouldn't pet it. They're going to run away.
Well, you and I would have a conversation. It'd be like, how's the best way to do this? So let's be real about it.
Dude, dude, I'll just stick.

Speaker 2 Let's gather a bunch of bamboo. Even though there's bamboo all over the place, maybe.

Speaker 2 We'll get better bamboo.

Speaker 2 We'll get premium bamboo we don't know premium though i know a guy out there oh you do yeah all right so we'll go to see our guy first oh yeah we'll go to a guy hey can we get the grade a premium primo bamboo bamboo yeah and he's like all right it's gonna cost you yeah here's a wagon full how much is it even how much is a wagon basket full each wagon is the same as a shower it's 25 to 50 cents an hour right so we'll go all right that's doable reasonable we'll take a couple wagons we'll give them a dollar yeah right give us back the change though keep it fine don't be a dick pal all right don't be a dick Yeah, but yeah.

Speaker 2 We go out in front of the panda, and then what would be our thing? Would we,

Speaker 2 you know what I would do?

Speaker 2 I would put two bamboos in the ground, right? Sticks. I would make a human out of it,

Speaker 2 right? Like a scarecrow. That's his legs, like a scarecrow, right? But make it appetizing.

Speaker 2 Make it appetizing. Make it look delicious for them? Yeah.
Well, see, I was going to say that I think we should rip off the bamboo leaves and stick them to our bodies. That's a very better idea.

Speaker 2 And have them lick it up. I never even thought about it.
I want them to lick it off our bodies. I never thought about that.
Then we can just lay back on our stomach, on our backs.

Speaker 2 And check it out, dude. We also, because you know that

Speaker 2 grizzly bears, right? And brown bears, because they don't know, right?

Speaker 2 Grizzly bears, they eat salmon and honey, right? Yep. Right.
But to pandas, right, that's a foreign food. It's like white people eating sushi.

Speaker 2 Here, my thing, right? So we should bring that

Speaker 2 real Canadian honey. Yeah.
Maple honey, syrup. To them.
To them. So we put the bamboo, right? But we're kind of like a,

Speaker 2 you know, we create a meal out of it. Like a charcuterie bar.
Like a charcuterie bar.

Speaker 2 So we're like a

Speaker 2 nice salmon, shaved. Because they might like it.
We don't know. Right.

Speaker 2 All they have is bamboo. That's why they fucking eat the shit.
Yeah, they don't own anything. Right, but when we're like, this is fucking Canadian shit here, baby.

Speaker 2 Imagine when a panda gets on a flight and flies to northern Canada. And they run into, like, they're going to visit some in-laws.
Right. And they run into some local brown and black bears.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, the pandas, the pandas are, you know, they're mixed. Well, and they see the brown and the black bears, and the brown blacks are like, what's up? What up, panda? What's up, play up?

Speaker 2 I feel like. And the panda's like, what are you guys doing? Like, we're about to go steal.
I think the accent's wrong. These picnic pets.
I think the accent's wrong. They steal

Speaker 2 baskets. The pandas are from China.
So do the accent? Oh, the panda.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Well, it doesn't feel.
First of all, you're the panda visiting me. I'm the black bear.
I would like you to do the panda accent. You're the panda.

Speaker 2 All right. You're the panda.
You've flown to me. All All right.

Speaker 2 So I'm flying, right? And I'm the black bear. So you're going to.
Let me get the backstory here real quick. First of all, you're half white, half black.
Okay?

Speaker 2 So one of your parents is black as a black bear. That's fine.
It doesn't matter because the thing is that let's suppose Barack Obama is your dad. No, listen.
No, no.

Speaker 2 Listen to my thought processes, right?

Speaker 2 Let's say Barack Obama, right, was born in China, right? to a Chinese family, right?

Speaker 2 He would still have an Asian accent. Barack Osaka.
Yeah, Barack Osaka would still have a fucking Asian accent. Of course.
So what does his color of his skin have any dude? It's cultural. First of all.

Speaker 2 First of all. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're a half black, half white Asian panda bear. Okay.
Okay. Yeah.
Your dad is from Canada. He's a black bear from Canada, right? Your mom.

Speaker 2 Your mom is a white polar bear from

Speaker 2 America. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 Your mom had a job offer in China. That's why you were born there.
Okay?

Speaker 2 Better yet. I have a better one.
What? Right? Just to hear me out, right? Okay.

Speaker 2 Let's say there was a war.

Speaker 2 There was a bear war. There was a bear war.
So Antarctica, right, in Canada, they sent troops

Speaker 2 to China. To China.
Right? Fuck. To fight the fucking pandas.

Speaker 2 Well.

Speaker 2 Or something. To fight the Chinese.
Fight the Chinese. That's better.
Yeah. Right?

Speaker 2 And, you know, when two, you know... Two different armies are working together.
Yep. They're probably some crossbreeding because they get bored.
Yep. They're probably listening to Jimi Hendrix.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Right? Yep. You know, this is the end.
Like the doors, they're smoking weed. Yeah, it's like sharing weed.
Right, right. This is the end.

Speaker 2 Yeah, man. The end.
Right, man, my friend, right? They're smoking weed, right? And like, hey, man, shit. So why fucking pull a big pussy out here? Yeah.
Right?

Speaker 2 And, you know, hey, boys. Yeah, right.
His fucking grizzly ditch just gets harder every time. Right? Right.
And he's like, but he's got bullet wounds too because he's been shot up.

Speaker 2 He's been clicked up. Right.
So the one night they smoke weed, they get drunk. Whiskey.
Whiskey. Fuck, right? Yeah, yeah.
They have a baby. They leave the baby there.
They fly back to their fucking.

Speaker 2 They don't give a shit about the baby.

Speaker 2 So is that what you're saying? The scenario? Correct. You're a bastard child.
You're a bastard panda. I'm a panda, then.
Yes, you are. All right.
I'm a panda.

Speaker 2 Just because it's because of what was going on. All right.

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Right. And when I wear movement watches in front of him, he always asks, where'd you get that?

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Oh, you selfish little bastard. I love beam organics.
I'm sorry that I took it without giving it to you.

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I know you sleep till four in the afternoon.

Speaker 2 You know that I love beam organics, right? And you took the thing, and now I've got to order more. I don't care.
All right, I don't care. Look, I don't sleep that well because we got busy schedules.

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I'm fucking sad as fuck then, huh? I was raised by my own. Sad Panda? I'm Sad Panda.
That's right.

Speaker 2 So what happens is you decide, I'm going to go visit my mom and my dad. I'll visit my dad first in Canada, and I'll go visit my mom in Antarctica.
So you go to Canada to meet your dad.

Speaker 2 Is there like some agency that he calls to find out where they live and whatnot? Pandas International. That's right.
Okay, my bad. I forgot that that existed.

Speaker 2 Yes, because they need help trying to find their parents. They've all been abandoned.
Yeah, yeah, that's true. So you go, you fly to Canada.
Yeah. And here you are.

Speaker 2 And you see your dad with all of his buds just kicking it. Kicking it on the forest.
In the forest, on their block. Right.
And you step on their block and they're like, what's up?

Speaker 2 What's up, little bitch-ass multicolored bear? And I go,

Speaker 2 what?

Speaker 2 Who are you looking for, bitch? You. Why are you...
What do you mean you're looking for me? You're my daddy.

Speaker 2 Shit, I ain't your daddy. Why you leave me?

Speaker 2 How do you know? Why do you leave me? How do you know I'm your daddy?

Speaker 2 Because look. And I pull out my dick.

Speaker 2 Right. But it's half white and half black.
But it's still shaped like yours. So it's real long.

Speaker 2 It's long, but super skinny. What does everything have to do?

Speaker 2 How about that? Forget that. You turn around and let me show you your butt.
Let me see your butt. Let's not even do that because it's sexual.
We always go there, right?

Speaker 2 How is it going to make it about you? I know, but I'm going to do something different. How are you?

Speaker 2 How do you know you're my son? And I look up at my fucking paw. Yeah.
And there's a birthmark.

Speaker 2 And then you look at your paw and the same birthmark. Holy shit.
Right. And then what do you do with that hand? We touch hands.
No, I thought you were going to hit me. I was.

Speaker 2 You would have rather touch. But we touched.

Speaker 2 We touch hands. We touch hands.
Disney style. Right.
And I'm crying. And I'm and I'm crying too.
You are? You feel?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because then all the homies, but all the homies see them crying and they're like, oh, look at him crying like a bitch.

Speaker 2 You're like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, and then you hit me.
Right. That ain't my bitch ass son.

Speaker 2 We do a hard cut. If this is a movie, we do a hard cut.
Cut. We're on the dinner table.

Speaker 2 I invited you for dinner? Yeah, because we don't know what happened, but I have a patch over my face. Well, we do know what happened.
I hit you in a previous scene.

Speaker 2 But I'm like, just eat your, I'm like, eat your salmon and shut the fuck up. And I've never had it before, so what would it?

Speaker 2 And then my first response is, how are you going to be from fucking Asia and never had no goddamn salmon? But we don't have salmon up there. Motherfucking got judged sushi all over that bitch.

Speaker 2 That's Japanese. Same shit.
Everybody laughs. So you're that kind of guy.
Everybody laughs. Everyone laughs, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I grab my shit and I head north to see my mom because I hate this fucking business. You fucking hate this guy.
I fucking hate this guy. And I'm smoking unfiltered cigarettes.
Right.

Speaker 2 I'm like, get out of here. And to finish this story, I finally, it takes me, I walk.
It takes me about four years to get to Antonio. I think you get to get to the next one.
North Paul.

Speaker 2 Let's say a couple months.

Speaker 2 He's a small, I have small little limbs. It takes you a year.
Have you seen them move? Takes you a year. How fast can pandas walk or run?

Speaker 2 I got to tell you, I bet you can get up to 10 miles an hour.

Speaker 2 No, there's no way. Yeah.
No, they're like 20 miles an hour. They go 20 miles an hour.

Speaker 2 All right, 20 miles an hour.

Speaker 2 I have no idea. Well, it's got to be a couple thousand miles.
So then, look, you're clearing that in a couple months. A couple months? Right.

Speaker 2 I finally get up there, right? Yep.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I don't see anything. It's just snow.

Speaker 2 Cold, right? You're freezing. Right.

Speaker 2 And then like a couple of seals say,

Speaker 2 get up. Let me go.
You don't want to be around here. Oh, they're warning you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wrong neighborhood. Yeah.
It's like desolate. It's kind of like

Speaker 2 West Virginia, like the Appalachian Mountains kind of vibe. Ooh.

Speaker 2 Create from around here.

Speaker 2 I don't know what you're doing here, bro. What if the SEALs all have southern accents? Right.
I don't know what you're doing here, boy. Right.
Better go back to China. Yeah, me.

Speaker 2 Unless you're here for a moonshine.

Speaker 2 Right, right. And then we,

Speaker 2 and I ignore them. You don't want to deal with the seals.

Speaker 2 And I'm still like, now the wound from my dad hitting me

Speaker 2 is infected.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. My eye is no longer.

Speaker 2 It's gone. Your eye's been eaten away by the side.
It's so infected. Yeah, maggots and parasites, right? Yeah.
But I still have the bandage on for some reason. I I think that that's going to save it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And your eye just keeps falling out of the socket, but you keep pushing it back.
And I say something ridiculous, like to the fucking seals, like

Speaker 2 you got to have antibiotics. Or something crazy.
They're not going to have antibiotics, right? Of course not. And the eyes are out of gone.
We got moonshine. Right.

Speaker 2 And I go, do you know where Anna lives? That's why I might know my mom's name. What's her name? Anna.
I think you think it is, yeah. What do you think it is? They're like, who are you talking about?

Speaker 2 Sheila? Oh, yes, Sheila. Yeah, she lives at the top of that old hill up there.
Yeah, okay. So, you got to trek up that hill.
Thank you. No problem.
Good luck.

Speaker 2 But I have to also say, I have to say, can you just point to exactly because one of my eyes don't work?

Speaker 2 Figure it out yourself. And they jump in the water.
They're so mean. So they're fucking drunk, these seals.
Yeah. Always blacked out.
I get up there, right?

Speaker 2 And Sheila

Speaker 2 is frozen solid. She's dead.

Speaker 2 She's frozen.

Speaker 2 She's frozen. Frozen salt in this gigantic ice cube.
Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, right?

Speaker 2 What you don't realize. Right.
Is if this is a movie, right? We do like now a scene that happened in the past in the movie. At this point, we see this frozen fucking...
But Sheila frozen, right?

Speaker 2 It cuts to what I did in Canada. I steal a gun.

Speaker 2 They have guns. They have guns, yeah.
Okay, they have guns. Yeah, yeah.
In the movie where they have guns. Of course, they do.
Right? So I pull out the gun.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 I stick it in my mouth. No, no, I thought you were going to shoot the ice.

Speaker 2 What? Shoot the ice.

Speaker 2 I want to end the movie like this. Oh, okay.
You don't think so? I say shoot the ice.

Speaker 2 How about this? Why don't I say? Let me give you my comedy version. Or

Speaker 2 let me hear yours.

Speaker 2 I'm going to tell you. I want you to do your comedy version.
Yours goes in your mouth. I'm not saying that I'm going to pull the trigger, right? I'm just saying that this is a dramatic moment.
Right.

Speaker 2 I'm leaning against

Speaker 2 this frozen polar bear of Sheila, my mom, right?

Speaker 2 My eye is fucking gone, dude. It's gone.
It's fucking infected. It's gone.

Speaker 2 What the fuck am I going to do? I don't have a ticket back to China, right?

Speaker 2 It's a disarray. My dad is a fucking ass, I realize.
My mom's fucking dead. I mean, there's no fucking point to it all.
Yeah, right? So I stick the gun to my mouth, right? I'm panda. Yeah.
Right?

Speaker 2 And I click it.

Speaker 2 It does. It's so cold.
Like it, the mechanisms right

Speaker 2 jammed. Right?

Speaker 2 So you finish the movie.

Speaker 2 So you start screaming. Ah!

Speaker 2 I don't want to be here anymore.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 it's a machine gun, yeah? It was a handgun. I thought it was a machine gun.

Speaker 2 All right. Yeah.
And so, no, it's a handgun. Silent shotgun.
No, it's a handgun. Okay, we'll go handgun.
Handgun. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And you're leaning against the ice and you go, I don't want to be here anymore. And

Speaker 2 there's no bullets. Yeah.
And you start smashing, smashing it right against you on the back of the ice. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's breaking. You're like, I don't like this life anymore.
Everything is a fraud. Everyone's a

Speaker 2 lie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hate everything. I hate it.

Speaker 2 And your mom,

Speaker 2 oh,

Speaker 2 Positive.

Speaker 2 You saved my life.

Speaker 2 What are you doing in my house?

Speaker 2 This is your house? Who is this mountain?

Speaker 2 I'm your son.

Speaker 2 Remember you

Speaker 2 raw dog?

Speaker 2 Remember you raw dog back in the war? You raw 20 years ago? How long? Seven years ago, you raw dog that fucking. I fucked a griffin bear.
You got griffin bear in China. Yeah.
I'm this.

Speaker 2 And then you had me, and then you left me there

Speaker 2 why do you have a gun

Speaker 2 because my eye's gone and my dad dreams i was killed no no no give me that gun yeah and you give her the gun right

Speaker 2 and then she turns it on you that's great

Speaker 2 and it works now

Speaker 2 it works now and she goes goodbye son right

Speaker 2 and and could i just It hits the center of my right in the middle. In the middle, right? And the way it hits my head,

Speaker 2 It shatters every bone in my skull. Wow.

Speaker 2 Right? It shatters every bone. Right.
And if some, it, there's a, the brains and the skull matter, everything. It just,

Speaker 2 like a piñata. You hit a pinata on the can, right? Yeah.
Right. And it freezes.

Speaker 2 Right? Right. And my, this is my face, right?

Speaker 2 Right? Brain. Every brains.
Right?

Speaker 2 Oh, credits coming out.

Speaker 2 No, in the background, it's just pan of noise in the background,

Speaker 2 right? Right, right, right. It's a film, or you know, you know, instead of doing that,

Speaker 2 right, I was thinking, you know, imagine if this was a pitch meeting and Universal was like, What the fuck are you guys talking about? And we're like, check it out, we're not gonna, we're not done.

Speaker 2 But here's the second option that if you don't like the ending, right, it's a little dark. I'm leaning against the thing, right? The gun doesn't work, right? Right, and I whistle, right? And a unicorn

Speaker 2 comes out of the forest right

Speaker 2 my eye right he gallops he lifts his leg like this in a beam of life goes

Speaker 2 that could be an alternate ending because refusing two movies it's a callback for the other movie it's two movies in a one yeah yeah yeah so basically you want to buy it or you don't want to buy it yeah right right no one's gonna they're like get the get out no one's gonna want to buy it get out of my no one's gonna want to buy it yeah happy halloween by the way happy halloween

Speaker 2 Happy Halloween.

Speaker 2 Rudy probably has a book report for us by now. Movie report.
Oh, you have a movie report? Clockwork Orange. Oh, did you watch the movie? Yeah.
Did she really, or is she lying?

Speaker 2 Get the fucking gum out of your mouth. She claims she did.

Speaker 6 I did last night.

Speaker 2 How long was the movie?

Speaker 6 Two hours? Two hours and a half?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's probably right.

Speaker 2 Do you swear?

Speaker 2 I promise. On Kalila's life.
Yes. That's insane to swear on her life, but she did, huh? Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 Okay, so tell us about the movie.

Speaker 6 So it's about

Speaker 6 there's this teenager named Alex,

Speaker 6 and then he has a group called Doogs.

Speaker 6 Doogies? Wait.

Speaker 2 Droogs.

Speaker 6 And then

Speaker 6 they go on this like really violent activities where they

Speaker 2 rape. Put on your hand, by the way, because because I want to make sure you're still Freddy Cougar

Speaker 6 where they rape and like

Speaker 6 beat people and then one time they went to this cat lady's house and then Alex killed the cat lady and then he got caught and then he went to prison and then Alex wanted his

Speaker 6 prison sentence to be shorter so he agreed to do this

Speaker 6 experiment. So he went to this hospital, and the doctors did an experiment for him because the government said that this experiment will turn the bad people to good people.
So they did that.

Speaker 6 Alex was strapped in a chair, and then he had to watch

Speaker 6 these violent films. And then after that, he changed, and the doctor said he was cured.
So every time he would try to do bad things, he would feel sick and he would make

Speaker 6 noises.

Speaker 2 This sounds like the plot for Geely, the Ben Affleck.

Speaker 2 Are you sure that's not Geely? No, that's it. That is.

Speaker 2 I'm actually blown away. You honestly believed it.
I liked it. You did like it?

Speaker 6 Then Star Wars. Star Wars is shit.

Speaker 2 Star Wars is shit. Shit.

Speaker 2 So what we just realized now is Jules... Star Wars is shit.
She's an art elitist. She's an elitist.
And I love it. And I love it.
And

Speaker 2 that's who she really is. I think she is.
I think you're an elitist. I think you're an artist.

Speaker 2 Honestly.

Speaker 2 Or she likes violins. And she likes violins.
She likes violins. Look right into your camera, into your one lens, and say, Hey, George Lucas, Star Wars is shit.
Go ahead.

Speaker 6 Hey, George Lucas. Star Wars is shit.

Speaker 2 Wow. You're never going to work in this town again.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you this: if they remade Clockwork Orange

Speaker 2 and then they cast you in it,

Speaker 2 or they made s a new Star Wars movie, which one would you do?

Speaker 2 And who would you play?

Speaker 6 But I only knew the

Speaker 2 New Hope.

Speaker 2 You've never seen any of the other ones? We told you about the other ones.

Speaker 6 The first movie

Speaker 6 where

Speaker 6 Liam Nelson is in it.

Speaker 2 Liam Nelson. Liam Nelson.
Yeah. Liam Full Nelson.
So Liam Nelson was pretty good in that movie, though. That's what I called him.
Liam Full Nelson. Yeah, yeah.
What character would you play?

Speaker 6 The one that looks like a monkey.

Speaker 2 Fair? Fair. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What about in Clockwork? Let me ask you this. That monkey, what's his,

Speaker 2 what kind of creature is he? I mean, what race is he?

Speaker 2 Filipino, right? No, no, he's not Filipino. What is he?

Speaker 2 I think he's more Persian-y.

Speaker 2 Like Turkish. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What is he in the movie?

Speaker 2 I don't know. He's a Wookiee.

Speaker 6 What's a Wookiee?

Speaker 2 Chewbacca is a Wookiee.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah, yeah.
I think you should see the second Star Wars where Empire Strikes Back because it gets that's where he meets Yoda. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You kind of could be Yoda. I think you could relate to Yoda.

Speaker 2 He talks funny. Yeah.
He speaks weird English. Same food.
Same food.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Environment almost.
Yeah. Food, environment.
I think you'll be like. You're pretty close to a Yoda.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You've never heard of Yoda?

Speaker 6 He's a green, small thing.

Speaker 2 Very good. Say no more.
Say more, no more. You kind of talk like him, too.
Do you know what Jabba the Hutt is? Do you think Yoda was just foreign and he just was like, he just had broken English?

Speaker 2 You know, when they say he's like, oh, he talks in these beautiful, like, backwards limericks, but really, maybe he just was. That sounds like every guy I've met that's like super foreign.

Speaker 2 Like Andres does that.

Speaker 2 Like what? Andres, he's like, Andrew,

Speaker 2 cards I need, where are they?

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Maybe Yoda was just from Spain and people just were giving him hard dead. They're like, oh, he's so wise.
He's speaking in this weird language. You're like, I don't know, man.

Speaker 2 He could have just been super fucking foreign. And also, can I ask you this about Yoda? Is that obviously he's a part of a race of types of people, right?

Speaker 2 Where are they? Not only where are they, but they have to fuck.

Speaker 2 Well, ooh. I know.
Have you ever thought about that? Fucking me, you are.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking me, you are.
Oh, my god, yeah, they have to. They had to fucking.
And do you think they fuck outside of their race? Do you think Yodas fuck Wookiees?

Speaker 2 No, I mean, they want to.

Speaker 2 No one wants to fuck them. Yoda goes to Wookiees.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And he's just like...

Speaker 2 No!

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 To fuck me, I'm begging you.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. They're like, nobody's fucking Yoda.
No one's fucking.

Speaker 2 What race is Yoda? What is he even? Did they even say? Yeah, in the new, the new, what's it? The Manchurian, what Mandurian, Manchurian? Manchurian candidate. Is it the Manchurian? What's it called?

Speaker 2 Mandalorian. Mandalorian.

Speaker 2 Did they get into

Speaker 2 species

Speaker 2 whose true name is not recorded? We don't even know. We don't even know.
How the fuck did they even write it? Why would that be so lazy? So lazy. Write it.
They made up a language. Yeah.
Write it.

Speaker 2 Maybe it's because it's kind of cool, mysterious-wise, though. Mystery-wise.
Put a label on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So you don't know what they are. And by the way, baby Yoda, not as cute as they're making making it out to be.
This goes back to our squirrel. Then this goes back to the squirrel conversations.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like, I don't, the behavior aside, I don't think it's cute. See, this thing.
Go to Baby Yoda, a better photo of Baby Yoda. I'm going to argue for him.
Okay, I'm telling you. Okay.

Speaker 2 Here's my biggest beef about Baby Yoda that everybody thought was really cute. Okay.

Speaker 2 This is cute, right? Really cute. Yeah.
No. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Go to the one direct to the right. He's right to the right.
He's already balding.

Speaker 2 Bro, bro. He's balding.

Speaker 2 Bro. Nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with that. When you're a baby.
Yeah. In fact, look at the fuzz on the.
He has more hair than fucking Andreas.

Speaker 2 Look at the fuzz. I don't, first of all, look at this.
Look. Okay, here's what I want to say about this thing because we're just fighting for asides for no reason.

Speaker 2 Look at the pupils on this guy. He's been using.

Speaker 2 Obviously, he's fucked up. Yeah, he trusted me.
You trust him.

Speaker 2 And look at the wrinkles on its upper lip. You trust an aged baby that's been using all day? Yeah.

Speaker 2 maybe he has progeria.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. Well, then I feel bad.
You know what progeria is? No.

Speaker 2 It's a disease that affects a very small amount of people, and it makes you like a. It makes like a six-year-old look like a 90-year-old man.
Yeah, it's very sad. Baby Yoda.
Baby Yoda. So cute.

Speaker 2 Oh, so cute. How cute is this? So cute.
By the way, I see you playing with the knives on there. Yeah.
Which couldn't be more appropriate for you. But let me say this.

Speaker 2 Do you even know anything about Freddy Cougar?

Speaker 6 He's on Nightmare and Elms.

Speaker 2 I know, but

Speaker 2 do you know anything about him? Like his character?

Speaker 6 He's on people's dreams or nightmares, and he kills them.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But do you know anything about his past?

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 2 Wow. Wow.
He's probably my favorite. I know.
That's tough.

Speaker 2 Jason's so good. Jason's pretty good.

Speaker 2 Yo, I saw the best tweet today. I don't even know who wrote it because I don't want to take credit, but somebody goes, they looked up the stats for Jason is 6'3.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he was like, this motherfucker had it all. Could have been a hooper, but wasted it on killing.
It was so funny. I was like, he's that tall? Because they have the heights listed.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's a little stocky, though. He's heavy.
He is a big boy. He boxed out down below.
Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute.
So it's, let's go. Freddy Cougar,

Speaker 2 Jason, Michael.

Speaker 2 Michael Myers and Jason

Speaker 2 Voorhees. Voorhees, yeah.

Speaker 2 Freddy Cougar, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 what?

Speaker 2 Hell,

Speaker 2 Pinhead? Pinhead. But what's that called? I don't know know.
They call him Pinhead. What was the movie's? Hellraiser.
Hellraiser. Because I was looking for Hellraiser.
I'm always the creatures.

Speaker 2 When I first saw Hellraiser. So fucking.
Dude. It was so weird.
Have you ever seen Hellraiser? Look up the creatures in Hellraiser, the original Hellraiser, how scary they were.

Speaker 2 This is a movie that came out in the early 80s, I think. I think it was

Speaker 2 a matter of money. Mid-80s, maybe.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude. Dude, look at the creatures.
Not him. No, go up to the top.
Yeah, like that guy right there. That guy go down.
Go down. Go down, go down.
Like that. The guy right there.
Look at that guy.

Speaker 2 Look at at that guy. Look at that guy.
Go to the right. Go to the right now.
That one?

Speaker 2 No? Yeah, that one.

Speaker 2 I mean, look at the guy to the right. That looks like guys from the comedy store that I see.
That's true.

Speaker 2 Go zoom in on the guy on the right, Pete.

Speaker 6 The one on the left is scarier.

Speaker 2 Oh, you think so? No, the one on the right by far, he looks like a thumb. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It looks like Steve Simone.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Who's that, Cee-Lo? Is that Cee-Lo Green? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'm crazy.

Speaker 2 That was a scary movie. So fucking scary, man.
Because it dealt with not hell, but like a fourth dimension. Yeah, you're in another world.
Yeah, a different dimension of creatures.

Speaker 2 That is the thing, though. It's got to be sold really well.
Because, look, Nightmare was great because it was in our real world. So was Jason.
Yeah. Okay.
And so was Michael Myers. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But with this, it was like entering other worlds, and they could easily come off as cheap. Go down there.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, where the other phone.
Go to the right.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Go to the right, far right, right that one.
I'm going to see that one. Zoom.
Can you zoom that in?

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah, it's it.
Well, they're kind of like Marilyn Manson. I was just gonna groove.
Dude, you know who? It's either it's like Marilyn Manson meets Tim Burton. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But back when I saw that as a kid, though, I was just like, I imagine living in the suburbs. You don't watch shit like this.
Well, also, there was not much out like that.

Speaker 2 Like, the horror movies in American horror movies weren't this good and gory. Yeah.
Dude, I saw a fucking movie, a horror movie called VHS 94. I don't know that movie.
VHS 94?

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's, I'm telling you right now, there was a couple of,

Speaker 2 what it is, it's a found footage VHS tape, pretty much, that you find in, you know. It just came out.
It just came out, right?

Speaker 2 And see that guy, the mad scientist? That mad scientist, it's like they're little vignettes. So they're like eight minute, ten minutes VHS found footage in a row, right?

Speaker 2 They don't, they're not really connected, right? Uh-huh. But they were so cleverly done and so freaky.
That thing is so good. Where did you see it on? Shudder.

Speaker 2 What the fuck is Shudder?

Speaker 2 Shudder is a streaming platform for horror movies only.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Shudder. Yeah.
How much is it a monthly fee? Are you just six or seven bucks a month, right? You're going to have to loan it to me. Yeah.
Is that Chelsea Peretti? Fucking. Please don't say that.

Speaker 2 No, it looks like her right there. Yeah.
Look. That looked like her for a second.
So she's in one where she's like a news reporter. So basically, it looks like a 1990s news reporter.

Speaker 2 Everything is supposed to be from 94. Yeah, and going into like these subways because there's a legend that there's like a rat, a rat human that lives there.
Andres?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Anyway, that was just something that I recommend.
Imagine Andres down in a subway. And you're like, oh, rat! And he's like, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then he scurries away. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want to watch. This looks good.
I finally, by the way, I finally finished, finished Squid Game. Like, I had seen

Speaker 2 six. What'd you think? And then I finished, finished it.
What'd you think?

Speaker 2 I'm going to give my fast wrap-up because we already talked about Squid Game on the show before. But here's the deal: too many stories are being told at once.
Not a fan of that. Way too many stories.

Speaker 2 Too many ancillary characters that you're like, why the fuck was that guy involved? It's not about him. Yeah.
The ending also made me a little bit mad because

Speaker 2 the twist was cool, but then also elongated and a little like

Speaker 2 draggy. It was a little draggy.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, no one's going to be.

Speaker 2 When you're writing a show like that, you're not going to satisfy everyone.

Speaker 2 It's like when people got really mad about Game of Thrones, the last season of Game of Thrones, you're just ripping it apart. It's like,

Speaker 2 it's just so difficult. It just drove on.

Speaker 2 It just dragged on a little bit too long. To me, it didn't.
To me, it was like,

Speaker 2 I wish they'd do a part two.

Speaker 2 Well, they're going to do a part two. Yeah.
And I thought that

Speaker 2 in general, the whole thing was

Speaker 2 the sets.

Speaker 2 The squid dies, by the way. Spoiler alert, if anybody wants to know.
How immaculate were the sets? Well, that's... Dude, you know,

Speaker 2 you can buy an alarm clock for your bed. That's homie, nun, ni, ma.

Speaker 2 How do you say red light, green, light, in Korean? I don't know. That's so offensive to your fucking history.
You're offensive to me. Ask me a word for my hit, from my fucking history.
In Ireland?

Speaker 2 Yeah. How do you say good morning in Ireland? Come on.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. My bad.
There you go. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, I should know mine then.

Speaker 2 Actually, how do you say had a good morning in Ireland? And Iris, ask me again.

Speaker 2 How do you say

Speaker 2 how are you having a good morning in Ireland? Have a drink? That's it. Oh, you went for the stereotype.
Have a drink and a smoke? There we go. Made it original.
Twitter fighter? Yeah. I'm telling you,

Speaker 2 you can buy that alarm clock, and I was going to buy that for you. But you know why I didn't buy it for you? Did I get you a birthday present?

Speaker 2 Not only did you not get me a birthday present, you didn't even call me on my fucking birthday. What day was it?

Speaker 4 It was on Saturday. Don't get angry.

Speaker 2 Don't throw anything. It was on Saturday.
Yeah. And guess who called you on my birthday? Me.
Me, to say hi. Our relationship isn't a tit for tat.

Speaker 2 That's a fucking fact. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Our relationship is not a tit for tat. All right.
Yeah, it's a tat. It's tat and tat.
Yeah, it's tat for tat. It's tat for tat.
No, it's tat for tit shit. Tat to shit.
It's tit for shit.

Speaker 2 Tit for shit, right?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 the present that I got you is still being mailed.

Speaker 2 Somewhere. I can't tell you it's a surprise.
Yeah. Can you? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Make it up. No, I'm not going to make something up.
What are you getting so angry about? Look at your face. I can tell the shift of your face.
You can't even see my eyes. I know.

Speaker 2 I can just see through it. I don't like it.
Wait, can you see my eyes through here? Yeah. These fucking cheap glasses.
Yeah, yeah. So I can see your eyeballs.
But let me say this. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I hope everybody has a happy Halloween. Yeah.
I hope nobody,

Speaker 2 hey, nobody

Speaker 2 gets a razor blade in their candy.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 No one does that, by the way. They used to.

Speaker 2 I don't believe it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know what was scary? Remember the Tylenol scare? When people were putting Tylenol in candy? No, when they put cyanide in the Tylenol. Funny.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So back in the Chicago area, back in the early 80s,

Speaker 2 some guy took 10...

Speaker 2 Because back then they didn't have the protective seal.

Speaker 2 Right. Right.
So you could open it up. So you could buy Tylenol, some guy, and they were the capsules.
Yep.

Speaker 2 so you could under the capsule dump it and some dude put cyanide in there that's so fucked up it's so fucked up repackage it put it at pharmacies and grocery stores and whatnot right so there was one family that like

Speaker 2 somebody died right

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 he died and so at the so he took a Tylenol in his house they didn't know what it was so when his family gathered for his mourning at the house two of the guests had headaches and they took the Tylenol and they died as well.

Speaker 2 Oh my. How crazy is that? That's so fucked.
It's so fucked up.

Speaker 2 And guess what? Huh? They never

Speaker 2 caught him. They never caught the cyanide Tylenol guy?

Speaker 2 So he got a freebie.

Speaker 2 Two freebies? No, he killed like six, I think. What? Yeah, six or seven people.
What kind of criminal would you be like that? Would you be that kind of psycho killer? I'm not a hands-on kind of a guy.

Speaker 2 So what?

Speaker 2 You're a kill him like that. You're kill him through the mail type of shit.
No, No, I would like maybe put like,

Speaker 2 how would I do it? I've thought about it. I've never thought about it.
Have you thought about it? Yeah. Okay, what would you do?

Speaker 2 No, no.

Speaker 2 What would you do? I don't want to say it. No, just hypothetically.
Oh, right.

Speaker 2 Rice? Rice. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. No,

Speaker 2 I would do...

Speaker 2 I like it when the psychological thrillers are like

Speaker 2 when they like get into your waterline and they put blood in the water line. Yeah.
And you're someone's in the shower and they're like,

Speaker 2 and they see bloods coming out of that.

Speaker 2 And then they go to go, you know, get out of the house, but they can't get out of the house. Yeah.
You know, and then they cut the power. Yeah.
And then the and well, nobody has phone lines anymore.

Speaker 2 And I cut the phone lines. Yeah.
And then I bust into their house. Yeah.
Right. And they're like,

Speaker 2 and they're freaking out. And then I'm like,

Speaker 2 I'm just fucking kidding. That's what you do? Yeah.
And then I get out of there. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what I would do? And then I turn around.

Speaker 2 I would find a family. I don't know.
I would find a family. Yeah.
I had no one. Yuck.
I would find a family, right?

Speaker 2 And I would know everything about the family, their routines, when they go to job, right? I pick up their mail. Right.
I would move nearby. Right.

Speaker 2 I would invent a machine. You'd buy property? Yeah.
That's a big

Speaker 2 commitment. Big commitment.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I would rent.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but then they got to do a credit check and all that stuff. It's fine.
They're not going to notice me. So check it out.

Speaker 2 They don't know. I also invent something.
And what it is,

Speaker 2 just hear me out, right?

Speaker 2 It's a little mechanism, right, that you put underneath a bed.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And if I call the number, it releases, it triggers it. And what it does, it puts out the volume smoke

Speaker 2 into the rooms, right? So if there's a family of five or six people and living in a house, right, I would put one in every underneath the, when they're out of town, right? I would sneak in, right?

Speaker 2 And once I see everyone going in the house and all the lights going off, I would turn it on. And they'd be feeling good.

Speaker 2 They're passed out. Right? You go inside and you kiss everyone on the forehead and then you leave.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 How'd you know?

Speaker 2 It's nice and sweet. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What would you do, you little psychopath?

Speaker 6 I'd stalk and only prey on men

Speaker 6 and

Speaker 2 except for men that you're friends with and know well, right?

Speaker 6 Any that I

Speaker 6 would hate.

Speaker 2 But like people that you work with, you wouldn't stalk and kill.

Speaker 6 I could.

Speaker 2 But like people that you work with on a weekly basis that, you know, are like family to you, you wouldn't, right?

Speaker 6 No, it's fine.

Speaker 2 No, it's fine, you would?

Speaker 6 I would.

Speaker 6 Wait, I'm not yet done.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 What about guys you live with? Would you kill people that men that you live with?

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 6 And then when I stalk them, I would

Speaker 6 like

Speaker 6 sedate them or like put something in their drinks for them to sleep.

Speaker 6 And then I put them in like the basement or if in the house of Titubabi, maybe in the garage. Uh-huh.

Speaker 6 Yeah. And then I would tie like maybe

Speaker 6 like six or eight men together.

Speaker 2 We all get tied up together. We get tied together.
And then what happens?

Speaker 6 And then

Speaker 6 while they're asleep, I would put fireworks in their butts.

Speaker 2 Like MADs? Yeah. Explosives? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 And then.

Speaker 2 Which, which could I just do? Some guys get more explosives than others in their butt?

Speaker 6 Yeah, if I hate them more.

Speaker 2 Okay. So, like, I would get maybe one, and Bobby would get.

Speaker 2 Honestly, how many explosives would I get in my butt?

Speaker 6 I didn't say you would be in it.

Speaker 2 How many explosives do I get in my butt?

Speaker 6 Maybe you'd get

Speaker 6 one and a half. One and a half.

Speaker 2 What is but how much did Bobby get?

Speaker 6 Five. Five.

Speaker 2 I get five explosives. Okay.
How much Pete?

Speaker 6 No, I don't want Pete in it and Andreas. Why the fuck do they?

Speaker 2 Yeah, just let's play it out. They get to live? Yeah, let's play it out.
Let's play it out. Yeah.
So I'm tied up. I got one and a half explosives in my butthole.
You've got five. Are we naked?

Speaker 6 I don't want to see your dicks.

Speaker 2 So you cut our dicks off?

Speaker 6 No, like, I just cut a hole in your pants.

Speaker 2 In my butt. Or you could just stick the fucking.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 6 I want it inside.

Speaker 2 Right. You could stick it in my butt and put my pants back on.
She doesn't want to have to take off your pants. No.

Speaker 2 Uses scissors, cuts a hole in the water. In your butt.
She's going to cut a hole. Yeah, that makes sense.
In my really fancy, like, raw denim pants. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ones that a homeless guy wore for a week or two. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so. And then would you light them all at the same time?

Speaker 6 Yeah, and I just record you.

Speaker 2 Okay, can I just say this? I don't think that would necessarily kill me. No, but I would.
An M80 in your butthole, five of them?

Speaker 2 It's fucking explosives. I know, but still, it's like I could still be torso guy.

Speaker 2 It would rip your body open. Yeah, just the bottom half.
I'm still torso guy from then on. Bobby.
I'll do the Special Olympics. You remember? What? Do you remember in our polar bear film?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 When your head, like,

Speaker 2 every bone in your brain and your head broke. Yeah.
Same thing with your butt. I know, my butt, but still.
Your whole body, your whole, your whole middle. Your guts would spill out.

Speaker 2 You'd be gone, bud. Okay, can you just do that? You think she doesn't know? Can you just do one? That's why she put it in our butt.
I get five. He's not going to die.
You put one in his butt.

Speaker 6 No, because I need to experiment.

Speaker 2 She wants to know who gets.

Speaker 2 Ah, all right. So I'm absolutely dead.
All right. I'm fucking.
You know this. I'm fucking dead, man.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 Yeah, but absolutely.

Speaker 2 He's not. No,

Speaker 2 but I might be crawling around on my torso. Yeah.

Speaker 6 If he's not dead, I do something else.

Speaker 2 What are you going to do? Fuck, see, I'd rather be dead. No, no, what is he going to do? This is what I like.

Speaker 2 So he's gone. I'm torso guy, and I'm like,

Speaker 2 I'm moving around. And you barrage.
Like a little bitch, you would plead for your life, right? The whole time. Yeah, what would you say? I go, Rudy, please, I'll do anything that you want.

Speaker 2 Oh, don't call her by her fictional name. You'll probably call her by her real name.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Maktak Sung. Please don't hurt me.
Yeah, yeah. Don't kill me.
Please.

Speaker 2 Please, Maktak Sang, please don't. Please don't kill me.
I'll do anything that you want, please. And then what do you do, Maktak Sung?

Speaker 6 I want to carve something in his stomach or face.

Speaker 2 Oh. Oh, you're going to do some artwork.
You're going to make me a pumpkin? Yeah, yeah. What are you gonna call it? Like a message?

Speaker 6 Yeah, or just like a design.

Speaker 2 Oh, a design, like a you're gonna make art? I'm so I'm art now. Yeah.
Yeah, like, and you're gonna put me on a son or what?

Speaker 6 Yeah, like with a knife.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. That must hurt.
Are you gonna eventually kill me?

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 2 You're gonna let me slowly die. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. And then how are you gonna get away with?

Speaker 6 I'm okay if I get caught.

Speaker 2 Holy fuck, that's crazy. No escape plan.
No, but by the way, that's more scary to me. Someone that's like, I'm okay, that guy got caught.
That's so scary. Pretty scary.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, you're going to move out.

Speaker 2 No, you're going to get down in the house.

Speaker 6 I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Sounds like it.
She's not going to do it. Well, happy Halloween, Rudy.
Happy Halloween.

Speaker 2 I want you to look into your camera and do the most creepy voice of thank you for being a bad friend, as creepy as you can.

Speaker 2 Happy Halloween.

Speaker 2 No. Thank you for being a bad friend, is what I want you to say.
You said happy Halloween! Didn't I say thank you for being a bad friend? Thank you for being a bad friend. And it's not creepy.

Speaker 2 I don't know how. We're not going until you do it.
Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 2 Go get some gravel in your voice. Get some rest.

Speaker 2 Something fucking creepy. Something.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 All right, you do yours. And do your camera, and I'll do mine.
Go. You do your creepiest.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 Andres, let's hear yours.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Just like a Spanish guy with a smoke.

Speaker 2 Pete?

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend. Pretty good.
Rapist. Rapist, yeah.

Speaker 2 And here's mine. Yeah.
Ready? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Pretty good.

Speaker 2 Old timing. Pretty good.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Do you know, do you know, do you know that our dearest Pedro Andres

Speaker 2 is taking his citizenship test? That's amazing. And he needs to become a citizen.
That's incredible.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 he needs our help. I do.

Speaker 2 No, seriously, though, he is literally trying to naturalize. So here at the Bad Friends, you know, we have an illegal here.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, hey, hey, maybe two.

Speaker 2 Okay. Got a couple of illegals.
Yeah, maybe. Yeah.
Yeah. And one of them is going to be naturalized, right? You're going to denounce your citizenship of Spain.

Speaker 2 You're going to become an American citizen, right? Yeah. And buy a gun.
Buy a gun. Buy a gun.
So, this guy wants to take a

Speaker 2 citizenship test. I can't even say it.
And

Speaker 2 are we going to help you study? What is it? What do you want us to do to help you get through it? I was hoping you guys could give me the answers. Okay, let's see.
I think we know. I bet you we know.

Speaker 2 I know the answers. I'm an American, man.
Rudy, do you know some of this stuff? No.

Speaker 2 You should study too. All right, pull the mic closer, Rudy.
I don't know the first one. I'm fucked.
All right, Rudy, who wrote the Declaration of Independence

Speaker 6 George Washington,

Speaker 2 John Adams.

Speaker 2 John Hancock. John Adams.
Thomas Jefferson. Thomas Jefferson.

Speaker 2 Who said that?

Speaker 2 Fancy. I've been studying a little bit.
Wait a minute.

Speaker 2 Do you not know the answers to these? Yeah. What is one promise you make when you become a United States citizen?

Speaker 2 You.

Speaker 2 You risk your life.

Speaker 2 For the country? For the country. Is that your answer? Yeah.
What is one promise you make when you become a United States citizen?

Speaker 2 To vote for Trump when he runs on a second term? Maybe. I think that's it.

Speaker 2 What do you think?

Speaker 6 You can.

Speaker 2 You can

Speaker 6 buy a gun.

Speaker 2 You can buy a gun.

Speaker 2 Okay, what is it, fans? You have to reject your loyalty to other countries. Oh, I know that.

Speaker 2 And you better, and you better. Who was the president during World War I?

Speaker 2 I don't think Roosevelt. You know, when somebody says, when you know when somebody says, go back to your country,

Speaker 2 where do we go?

Speaker 2 What does the president's cabinet do other than hold it's China?

Speaker 2 This is fun.