Andrew's 8 Ball Birthday

Hey, come see me live. I'm on tour right now.
AndrewSantino.com for tickets. AndrewSantino.com for tickets.
I'm all over the place. I'm going to San Francisco.
Then I'm going to Columbus. I'm going to Pittsburgh.
I'm going to Grand Rapids. I'm going to Philly.
We added another show in Philly. We added a late show in Philly as well as in Seattle and Portland in the new year.
Coming to Chicago as well and the New York Comedy Festival in November. And then I'll be up in Albany later in the year.
I'm all over the place. So go to andrewsantino.com for tickets, andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold up.
You don't know my birthday. I'm going to Google it.
Hold on, hold on. Happy birthday to me.
Thank you, Pete and Andres and George, and that's it. Hold on, Sanji.
Thank you, Pete. Thank you, George.
Thank you, Andres. Rudy too.
Rudy collaborated. And thank you, Rudy Jules, my heart of hearts, my little brown queen, my little brown bean queen.
Wait, wait, wait. Is that your is that your birthday yes it is and you had to google it to know it i know but i my because i was wondering the the thing that i got you always getting delivered to my house oh it's coming to your house yeah and i and i'm like oh it's delivered didn't come yet and i'm like let me open my cards from pete okay let me open my cards from pete you make my me open my cards from Pete.
You make my eyes happy.

You make my lips happy.

You make my heart happy.

I could keep heading south, but I think you get the idea.

I don't understand.

Pete says, happy birthday.

I didn't realize how sexual this card was until after I bought it, Pete.

So, very Pete. I love

that. Very Pete.
Let's see. And this is

from Pete. Let's see what Pete got me in here.

Let's see what

Pete got me. It is

some socks.

Oh, Pete, thank you so much. This is

men's crew, my favorite.

They've got wicking cool comfort

fabric. Hanes,

can't beat it. Thank you so much,

Pete. You're welcome.
That's the president

that's coming in the mail.

I don't wait to open yours. I'm sure it's in the Prius, right? You want to go get it? It's, I, it's not, it's three days from now.
This one's from Rudy. It says friend in this world where things move so fast and change before our eyes, I take comfort in the precious few things that are constant and true.
The friendship we share day after day, year after year. Rudy.
Rudy, thank you, Rudy Jules. This was very sweet.
You're welcome. Wait, wait, wait.
How the fuck? Hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop for a second.
Rudy, what did you get me? Let's see what she got me. Whoa, Redbush.

How did she?

She's not even 21.

Good old fashioned Redbush.

You don't have to be 21 in the Philippines to drink.

It's only 18.

Oh, you got it from the Philippines?

Sure did.

Thank you, Rudy Jules.

Did you?

I got it.

Did you know that it was his birthday?

You never told me.

Oh, and a taco. And a taco.
Rudy Jules. Wow.
Do you want this taco? Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you, Rudy. Rudy.
And also, Rudy left a receipt in here. Oh, good, in case I wanted to give it back.
Thank you, Rudy. And my favorite by far, Fancy B, my little sweet prince.
A good friend is like sunshine for the soul. Happy birthday.
So grateful for you and all the positive vibes you bring to my world. Andrew, working with you is a real treat.
You are funny, hardworking, respectful, talented, and the real engine behind this great show.

Bobby doesn't do much, and I know it's hard for you sometimes,

but let's be honest here.

Bobby is a fading, fading star.

Yeah.

Andrew, you're a shooting star on your way to the moon.

Turning 38 is such a special year,

and I want to be here to celebrate with you.

I love you so much.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you.

I love you so much.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Fancy B.

P.S.

I don't like Bob.

Well, thank you, Fancy B.

You're a sucker.

Let me open up my gift from Fancy B. Stop for a second.

My birthday.

Will you stop for a second?

No.

I knew it was your birthday

and I bought you a present.

Here.

Let me see. I bought you one.
Open it. Is it money? I knew it was money.
See, you don't get to trick me anymore with money. Oh, they went right in the cup.
That was a good shot. That was a really good shot.
Fancy, what did you buy me? Oh, fancy. Oh, the iPad Pro.
Yeah, are you really being serious? Yes! Fancy B! There's nothing in there. I bet you money there's nothing in there.
He didn't get you an iPad Pro. Yes, he did.
What? Fancy B! Wait, wait. What did you get me, you fuck? Fancy, fancy! What did you get me, get me? You fuck This is outrageous Dude, fancy This is incredible He got me the iPad Pro And that keyboard That I asked for Yee Fancy, I love you Love you back God, you're the best, fancy Where's my Red Bull? Where's my Red Bull? Hey, it's my birthday I know, but I'm part of the show too Not today you're not can I get my beverage please George say please please there it is fancy what a gift that's incredible should I open more yeah why not it's my birthday oh I've always wanted one of these a heavy metal truck oh my god this is so cool thank you thank you guys I'm gonna have a conversation with George real quick this is amazing I'm gonna have a conversation with George real.
Oh my God. This is so cool.
Thank you. Thank you guys.

I'm going to have a conversation with George real quick.

This is amazing.

I'm going to have a conversation with George real quick.

Oh my God.

I want to take this out of the box and plug it in.

I wish it would go already.

Come here.

What?

Me?

Yeah, yeah.

This is great.

Listen.

I swear to fucking God, you do these fucking tricks and stuff. You knew about this to play a prank on me so I can look like a fucking fool on my own.
And I didn't get this fucking fool nothing, man. You should have fucking reminded me.
I was doing it for laughs. I wasn't even supposed to be here today.
These guys tricked me. George.
Give me your fucking... George.
Come here. George.
George has nothing to do with this. Come here.
There we go. Come here.
Is it okay that I open up Hey Can I open up my other gifts Can I open up my other gifts Oh yes Look at this Alpha strike this nerf gun Set that is so Fucking cool Dude this is probably the best birthday i've had in years

in years i'm fucking stoked need i forget i had got socks from pete oh my god star wars lego set

you know what i'll give that to rudy because she likes toy stuff there you go build something

during the show look at that i've got my ipad pro my brand new keyboard and i got my truck

Thank you guys so much. Let's get back to the show.
And my $20. I don't want this $20.
It's dirty. Something about it's not genuine.
Why? Because I feel as if you just took some paper mache off the ground and you put $20 out of your pocket and handed it to me because we can rewind the tape and saw you do it. No.
I knew it was your birthday and I bought you a present. Here.
No. Yeah, I saw you do it.
Can I say something? I saw you do it. May I sit, talk? You picked a papier-mâché off the ground and you took it out of your pocket.
Listen, I'm not doing well. What? Physically? No.
More from this from Rudy. Rudy gave me a magic eight ball and a slinky.
No. I'm not doing well.
My accountant called me. Is Bobby a piece of shit for not remembering my birthday? A couple of weeks ago.
And he said you lost everything. Is Bobby a piece of shit for not remembering my birthday? And that's my last $20.
Signs point to yes. Yeah, yeah.
That's my last $20. Signs point to yes.
And so when it's the man's last $20 and they give it to you, he's giving you everything. Signs are pointing to yes.
Okay. You didn't listen to what I just said.
You want to ask the Magic 8 Ball something? Like, is Bobby, you know, Why don't you ask me something? I'm going to take it out. Why don't you ask me something you've always wanted to ask, Jule? Because it's my birthday.
Bobby doesn't get to bully anybody around. You're acting like a fucking baby right now.
You're acting like a fucking baby right now. Oh, does this feel familiar? You're acting like a little fucking child right now.
Does this feel familiar to you? And it's outrageous. But you know what? I'm going to let you act like a child because you are a child.
What did you do at your birthday? What did you do at your birthday? Did you not act like a little baby? How did I act like a baby on my birthday? You left before the party was over. I had a show to do, man.
We threw you a fucking surprise party. Go ahead and ask a question to the Magic 8, Paul.
Is Tito Bobby an annoying, stupid bitch? Woo! Shake-a, shake-a, shake-a, shake-a, shake-a, shake-a, shake-a, shake-a, shake-a, shake-a, shake-a, shake- bitch. Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it.
Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it. Read what that says.
I'm not going to move it so everyone knows that it is. Okay, don't just move it.
Just see it and say it into the mic. Go ahead.
Here. Don't move it.
It is certain. Fact.
Magic eight ball, you did it again. Yeah yeah those steroids that you're on has fucked you up I'm juiced you're juiced out and aggressive and I don't like it I don't like it it's my birthday it's not it's in three fucking days relax this is my birthday this is not your birthday it's three days before your fucking birthday it's my birthday either way you didn't get me a gift I'm didn't remember.
I'm going to get you a gift. It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
And the next time we do Bad Friends, you'll see the presents I get and you will be mesmerized. Wait, by the presents that- And that stupid fucking painting that you got for me- Uh-huh, that stupid painting I got for you? Right? Yeah.
Is going to be nothing compared to what I'm going to get you, my friend. Are you being serious? Yeah.
I hope so. I am.
Because I tell you what. I'm going to be dead serious.
Okay, because I tell you what. What? That painting that you got.
Yeah. Very valuable to my heart.
Yeah. Very important to me.
Meant a lot. That painting that you got? And you want to up me a little bit? You know Segura and Kreischer, you know he bought him a jet ski.
I'm just saying, if you're looking at Elevate. Sure.
Bert Kreischer. Tom Segura, a jet ski for his birthday.
Jetski, yeah. They have a different kind of relationship.

They're outdoorsy people.

We're not outdoorsy people.

So buy me some indoorsy stuff.

I'm going to get you

like coffee.

That's indoorsy.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

You got to be something

better than Fancy B.

Gummy and iPad Pro

with the folio keyboard.

That I can't fucking believe.

Not only can I not believe that,

what did you get me

for my birthday, Fancy?

Rudy was in charge of the iPad.

Yeah, she was.

I was partnering with her.

Right.

So, did you see that?

They just threw you under the fucking bus.

They're not your friends.

Let me say this too, okay?

I'm your friend and you're the best, Rudy.

I gave you a present last night.

Did I not give you a present last night?

What are you referring to?

On stage when I brought you up. What did give you an intro right before that what did you give me before that what i do with the mic you farted on it you piece of shit you piece of shit happy birthday you're so repulsive happy birthday bobby brought me on stage last night yeah and he he goes uh after he's done doing his set, or whatever you call it.
Okay, stop. And then he goes, and then he goes, should I do it again? Should I fart into the mic? Yeah.
And he wraps it, knowing I'm next, and then he puts it up in his asshole. Yeah.
Not near it, in between his ass cheeks. It's shoved in there.
It's better for the acoustics. It is.
It's louder. Yeah, yeah.
And it did thump. It was whopper.
It did thump. It was amazing.
So that was Bobby's birthday gift. You heard it here, folks.
Okay, can I just say this, though? Can I just defend myself? What you don't understand, my friend, okay, is that before I knew it was your birthday, right, and I opened up my dad's ashes. Ashes.
I don't want your dad's ashes. But you don't know what I did, dude.
I stuck my finger in the ashes, right? Yeah. And I put it around my butthole.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
So when you farted, you farted your dad into the OR. That's not it.
It was like, ooh. No, I did a 24-hour fast.
I did a 24-hour fast, right? Really? But before I did the fast, right? Yeah. I lit candles, right? And I had all my ancestors, right, come together.
Wow. The spirits came, right? And I had kongnamul.
Oh, you kongnamul? Yeah, I had kongnamul and I had kimchi jjigae. And I had all these Korean dishes.
I ate them. And I didn't poo, right? Right.
And then the incense and the candles and my ancestors coming they went with came in within me then I put the fucking ashes around my butthole okay right got it and I held a fart for 24 hours just for my birthday yes so when I fart did you have a good set last night I had a good really good set last night happy birthday can I tell you something happy birthday what I switched mics and you saw that so yeah and then guess what happened it wasn't that mic I used I didn't use your fart mic it doesn't matter I gave you your? Happy birthday. What? I switched mics and you saw that so.

Yeah and then guess what happened? It wasn't that mic I used.

I didn't use your fart mic.

It doesn't matter.

I gave you your fart mic to go.

Once I farted

he was in the room.

You don't know how Korean things work.

Oh.

And also can I say this too?

Does this have any validity?

Is this any of this real do you think?

Yeah it's real.

It's real.

And then here's another thing.

When you threw the other mic at me, right?

Yeah.

The fart mic.

I threw the fart mic.

I disconnected.

Did I not catch it in the air?

Well, I threw it right into your hands.

What do you mean?

Did you catch it in the air?

It wasn't.

It's dark, right?

You're about 30 feet away.

You threw it.

Six feet.

30.

We have the video.

Do you really?

Yeah.

Okay.

100%.

We can show it.

Okay.

Show the video.

Right.

So I counted in. Do you know why I caught it? It was the fart mic You caught it Because I threw it to you In the dark It was in the dark In the OR Look at it Pete can I send this to you? Yes Yeah yeah Okay first of all So happy birthday man Thank you dude I do want to say And none of this materialistic shit Is as good as what I gave you last night.
You had a wonderful set.

Let me tell you something.

What?

This means a lot to me.

I know.

And I didn't know this. This is way better than any good set.

I didn't know that about you.

And so it's like, I'm going to, I'm now, I know that you're into materialistic things.

I'm going to get you that.

Yeah.

You're into materialistic things too.

I'm into spiritual things as well.

So am I.

That's why I did that last night.

A seance.

A seance for it.

I'm spiritual first, material second. You're first oh that makes sense yeah i'm everything first and there is no second for me right everything's 100 with me you had a good set last night too you had a fun little time up there yeah then why'd you say that it was whatever he did up there well because it's just that's part of the show i see i see i thought i had a very good set you did and i thought the lineup last night was old school comedy it was back in the fucking day back in the day you me donnell rawlings no no before arsenio hall arsenio it went arsenio hall yeah then ali wong yep chris spencer yep me you.
Donnell. Donnell.
Fahim.

Yeah.

That's it. That's all I remember.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you left.
You left too. That's right.
So I don't know what happened. You're not hanging out late.
But it was a great night. That was one of those nights that made me feel like the crowd was getting what they paid for, so to speak.
Yeah. Like that was a banger fucking.
The room was on fire. It also reminded me of the first show that I've done since the pandemic where I went, this is the closest to what it once was.
Where? At this club? Yeah, in just in anything. You're saying, oh, that show felt like it was back.
It felt like pre-pandemic show. Pre-pandy show.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm excited.
Happy birthday. How old are you now? Thank you.
I'm 38. Wow.
I know. I'm 12 years old.
I know, it's incredible. I look 40.
I've always been looking 40. 45, maybe 50.
Yeah. Let's ask one more question.
Jules, let's throw a question back to the Magic 8 ball. Jules, what do you say? Go ahead.
I'm shaking, shaking, shaking. Is Andres gay? Gay.
Is Andres Gay? You can read it. I'm not going to, I just want to make, I just want to make sure that it's not, people will see we're not cheating.
You can't really show the camera. It says in bold letters, all capitalized, without a doubt.
Without a doubt. That's without a doubt.
Rudy, give us another one. Let's hear a little magic eight ball.
Does Pete have a small penis? Does Pete have a small penis? I thought you were going to say AIDS. Does Pete have a...
By the way, we can ask the AIDS one second if you want. Does Pete have a small penis, ladies and gentlemen? Why'd you switch it? No, it says ask again later.
Why is it even on this? Why did he do that? Does Pete have a small penis? And it's... Come on.
Come on. Oh, near the proof.
Go ahead. What does it say? Yes.
Yes. Real simple.
No, that thing's rigged. No, it's not.
It's rigged. It's totally rigged.
Okay, Pete, then you ask it a question and we'll find out if it's rigged is there any negative answers on there is it all positive I haven't heard one okay well ask something that you think would give a negative answer am I a better comedian than you oh boy come on Magic 8 Ball do your work here we go what does that say very very doubtful yeah that's magic people this thing is fucking awesome it's awesome this is the best birthday i've had great why because i'm here with my friends and my family i'm here with the bad friends family the people that mean the world to me yeah okay that's why yeah i was angry that little Doc Doc couldn't even do it today the fans like Doc do you like Doc because he sits in your seat what do you think little Doc Doc he's very kind kind funny yeah he is very funny very funny and I'm taller than him that must feel good yeah that must feel really good because he's 80 yeah that must feel Do you think in a fist... Should we set up a fight between her and Doc and see who wins? I don't know.
You think you'd win in a fist fight? No. Boxing gloves? Boxing? It's boxing, not street fight.
No, his fist is bigger than mine. Yeah, but you can kick.
You can kick. No.
She'll try. Yeah, yeah.
I think... No, because he's gonna do belly shots.
You know what I mean Yeah And she's got a small little belly And she'll collapse She'll collapse She'll break in half How much do you weigh 115 Yeah What do you think he weighs That's interesting 150 Maybe more Maybe 160 Because the density of like a bowling ball Is thicker than you think it's harder to know maybe 155 160 yeah you're out of the weight class but he is thinner than I am or no no I think that feels good well you dropped some weight you lost a couple of pounds yeah because I've been exercising every night are you you doing it every night? Yeah. She sees it, yeah.
What are you doing now? Peloton. Are you loving the Peloton? I love it.
You know what I do is I do the free ride. What does that mean? I don't need no fucking, I don't want to say it.
Say it. Bald.
Uh-oh. Athletic.
Black guy. Screaming at me.
You know what I mean? Just, you know what I mean just you know what I mean pull through one more minute

all you got

so free ride means

turn it on

and you can just go

you just push start

right there's a timer

what are you looking at

on the screen

when you free ride

nothingness

not even like a

outside

no

huh

there's scenic

I don't even do scenic

I don't like scenic

so it's black

it's black

right

do you have headphones on

no I'm watching

my shows on

on my iPad

BetterHelp

BetterHelp is my favorite

thing in the whole world

because I use it in my life You know I see that I struggle You know With my addictions I struggle with You know my relationship sometimes And this and that And BetterHelp has helped me I think one of the reasons why I'm still sober And I'm still doing good in my life Is because of this. Is because of BetterHelp.
Yes. Getting therapy is important.
And I think if there's something interfering with your happiness, preventing you from achieving your goals, BetterHelp works. Bob and I both talked about mental health.
On this show, we believe in this. It's not a crisis line.
It's not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely online.
You can start communicating in under 48 hours. That's how quick you can get.
And it's available for clients all over the world. Yeah.
You can log in any time to your account anywhere and send a message to your counselor. BetterHelp is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they'll make it easy and free to change counselors if needed.
It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available. Visit betterhelp.com slash badfriends.
That's better H-E-L-P and join the over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. In fact, Andrew, so many people, happy birthday by the way, have been using BetterHelp that they are now recruiting additional counselors in over 50 states.
Wow. In all 50 states.
In all of the states. Yeah.
This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and Bad Friends. Listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash badfriends.
That is 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash badfriends. Upstart.
You know, Andrew, I've had financial difficulties. Same.
With my taxes and my credit cards and this and that. And I've been in debt before, right? And Upstart is the thing for you if you're in trouble.
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Upstart.com slash badfriends. See, can you not put the shows on the screen? On the Peloton screen? I don't know how to do that.
You know what I've been watching? So you sit an iPad on top of the screen. I watched every single...
I told you this last night. I've watched every single intervention, the TV show.
I love that show. Ever made from season one to 14 or whatever it is.
Yeah, yeah. I love that.
I love it. And I love it when it doesn't work out.
Yeah. No, because...
No,, because I love it when it doesn't work out because at the end of it, right? So good. It's either this.
This either happens. It says, you know what I mean? Three months later, that's always a good sign.
And it cuts to. Yeah.
It's like a guitar riff. Yeah.
And then, but then sometimes it just goes straight to like a counselor. Yeah.
He escaped 12 hours since he got here. We don't know where he is.
We think he might be dead. He's in the woods.
Yeah, we think he might be dead in the woods. And then they show the family go through their codependency.
When it's uplifting, it feels good. It is a great show.
You know that song at the end makes me sad every time. You know what that sounds like? Yeah, I have that song on my...
Who sings it? I forgot what the band is, but I have it. You know who it sounds like? Who? Who does it sound like? Who's the first person you thought of? Who was like the saddest artist from up there other than Kurt Cobain to kill himself? Elliot Smith.
Totally. I thought it was Elliot Smith.
The moment I heard... It's very Elliot Smith-y.
But it's not him. It him it's not him it's not him but it sounds a little bit like his yeah it's like sad do you watch Intervention do you know about this show do you know what it is but do you know why I'm watching it do you know why I'm watching it why are you watching Intervention I'm on the border of relapsing you're not gonna relapse I think I am why do you think you're gonna relapse I just I'm obsessed with it with the idea of relapsing yeah it's really scary I'd prefer you to not I know that's why I haven't I've been calling you I haven't done it because of you good and Kalilah okay good and the people of my life has she helped no she's the worst when I look at her I think of weed he's gonna relapse because of you you make me want to relapse your behavior on the house is outrageous what you said to do what you're gonna do yesterday you didn't do what you said you're gonna do yesterday and that's fucking outrageous okay what did you say you said you were gonna clean my house you claim my car you say you want to clean my car and take my car to the fucking oil changing place and the lights the in check engine light is still on the car and there's no gas and you fucking make me want to relapse so if you don't want me to relapse you do the fucking thing you said you're gonna do i'll do it tomorrow but that's what you see every fucking day i'll do it tomorrow i promise can i tell you something yeah you keep saying that tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow that's it it's one more day for an addict to get what he needs yeah one more day it's the same thinking of like i'll quit tomorrow i'll quit tomorrow one more

i'll quit tomorrow one more hit one more for the road what makes me remind me of relapsing and you're that you're the reason why oh no you're not the reason why i'm just you know i'll tell what it is.

Yeah, what is it?

I want to get high.

No.

No.

Hey.

I want to get high, baby.

No. I want to get high.

No.

No.

Hey.

I want to get high, baby.

No, baby.

I want to sit.

You know, just because of the pandemic, I think, and it's just like.

Yeah.

We got out of it.

I know this is probably negative.

Probably not comedy fodder.

It's not negative. I just want to be real.

You be real.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

But I'm not going to do it, right?

You promise? No. You can't promise.
I can't promise anything. I can't promise if I'm going to be alive in a week.
Well, that you don't have control of. You have control over using again.
Do I? Do I have control? I don't think so. You do.
Well, that's the opposite of an addict, right? An addict has no control. But you're an addict in recovery.
An addict in recovery does have control. Right, but am I in recovery? You should be.
I should be. But you're not.
I may not. Do you want to have a meeting right now? Yes.
Okay, here we go. Have you been to a meeting before? By the way, let it be known.
But everyone has to share. Let it be known.
Let it be known. That's fine.
But we're not denigrating the idea of addiction in meetings. Right.
I'm a big supporter of this. I am.
Okay? Addiction is a part of my life. Yeah.
Okay? My family. So we're not making fun of this.
But in this meeting, mock meeting we're doing, you guys are going to play different people. That's right.
And your stories have to be horrendous. That's the only way I can get out of- Okay, well, why don't you share first? Right.
Should I make up a story? I think you should be you because you're on the brink of using again. We're just two people that have been coming here for months.
You're new to this meeting. Right.
I'm new to this meeting, right? So your name is what, Billy? Winston. Oh.
Winston? Winston. Sorry, Winston.
Yeah. Raphael? Georgina.
Georgina. Oh, Winston and Georgina.
We have our fucking name tags right here. Oh, sorry, sorry.
I'm just so drugged out, you know what I mean? Oh, man. Yeah, yeah.
He's been using. I've been using, man.
Georgina, this guy's been using. I've been blacking out, so I don't remember, man.
Sorry, well, why don't you share? Winston, Georgina. Yeah.
I'm Bob, alcoholic. Hi.
Hi, Bob. Yeah.
Good. So, you know, I've been coming to this.
No, I've been sober for a couple years now. And I just have these, I don't know what I have these strong desires.
They're not desires. We all have coffee.
Okay. I don't know why Winston would say that.
I know what coffee is. Addicts love coffee I know what coffee is We have coffee I get it In every corner is a weed store Yeah Do you know that? I do There's that flower play There's one across the street from your house Yeah, there's one right across from And they have these glowing neon lights that blink Weed, weed, weed And then my pocket goes got money.
Money. Money, right? So when I drive by, I don't go in.
Obviously, I don't go in. No.
Right? And I look and I start trembling a little bit and I go, no, no. And then I go through the, no, no, no, no.
Right? But it's like that never used to be the case. It used to be I don't even think about it.
Right? It's not even an option. So you might relapse on weed.
I'm not going to. We don't want.
We don't do it. I don't even think about it it's not even an option so you might relapse on weed I'm not gonna we don't want we don't want you to we don't want you to we do in our meetings sorry Winston Georgina tell me your story I've been sober hi Georgina sorry you've been here for years I'm Georg sober Hi Georgina Say your name Sorry You've been here for years Sorry I'm Georgina Hi Georgina Wait Sorry don't yell at Winston He's your sponsor He's your sponsor Sorry Go ahead I'm Georgina I'm a Alcoholic Hi Hi Georgina Winston Yeah but If you have some sort of disability.
You have to listen to me, Bob. Sorry, Georgina.
Okay. I'm going to share you my story.
Please. I've been sober for about a week.
And it's really hard because every time I see you guys I just want to have fun and I just want to drink and I just want to pass out be in a club and it's really hard we're not laughing at your addiction I thought you said she was Been here for a while She relapses every week Oh she does Yeah And she does it at the club Every single week Right right right She leaves from here To go to the club Oh is there a club tonight Yeah Yeah yeah I should have come Are you gonna go I don't want to He can't go I can't go I'm trying to get sober This is recovery Yeah yeah I'm trying to get sober Jesus She's inviting me To a little club afterwards Golly Yeah and she does this Boom Boom Boom All night long Right Go ahead Hey y'all I'm Winston You're When you share it's different Yeah I'm sorry When you share it's different I'm Winston You change characters I get it Hey Good to meet you I'm Winston I've I've been here before. You welcomed me.
No, I'm just saying hello.

I'm Winston.

Hi, Winston.

Hi, Winston.

I am a meth addict who has a slight issue with ketamine, a little bit of an Adderall addiction.

Yeah.

Leudes, uppers, downers, squeezers, poppers.

Yeah.

And I'm into also suppositoriesories putting stuff in my tush particularly i would put uh tide tabs in my tush you know tide pods people kids were chewing them i put them straight in my butt so i was addicted to that for a long time i've been sober sober for a long time. For how long? 12 years.
And I'm happy to be, and I don't think relapse is cool. I don't think you should do it.
Even if you're Chinese, I don't think it's appropriate. I know given the circumstances of what y'all brought to this country is not okay.
But I still don't think you should relapse based on your emotional thrust of feeling guilty about Rona. And I know y'all feel guilty because you did it.
But you really shouldn't. And I'm Winston.
I ain't going to relapse. That's my time.
Thank you. Thank you, Winston.
Thank you. Georgina, can I get a ride home? I'll drive you home.
I have to go to the club. I want to go to the club.
No, no. I want to drive you home.
If you listen to that, that I'm going to go to the club Let me drive you home Alright I'll drive I'm sorry But I want you to call I know Georgina But Let me just I know I know I know But Georgina right If I disappear You know what I mean It's cause him and I Are hanging out Yeah But I'm just saying If I disappear I just disappear off the face of the planet. No, no, we ain't going to disappear.
Oh, you can hear me? Yeah. I'm right fucking here, dude.
I'm sorry. All right, let's see.
I'm going to get in your car. Come on in.
All right, so we're in the car. Yeah.
You're going the opposite direction of my house house I lived right down the street on Ventura

Do you like the seat vibrators?

It's weird that this

Is this European, this car?

Makes your balls feel good, eh?

Yeah, yeah, and there's also something sticking out into my butthole

Watch this

Whoa, that's all the way in

Yeah, buddy

It popped a hole in my new jeans here

Watch this now

Whoa, I think I'm about to come

Thank you. Yeah, buddy.
It popped a hole in my new jeans here. Watch this now.
Whoa, I think I'm about to come. I've never come through my anus before.
Where are we going? Where are we going, Winston? We're at the club where Georgina's inside. Come on, man.
Fun night. Fun night.
Wow. That's a crazy beating.
short you are not i'm not gonna realize i'm not you are not i'm not because this is a comedy show but we do take addiction seriously on the show i know i you know what guys but at least you're being honest and real the fan the fans get to hear the real truth well it's you know i like to be honest and real and be forthcoming yeah right And I think by sharing that, right, I think if I were going to do it.

You wouldn't tell the fans. I wouldn't tell anybody.
But I've been outspoken about it. Like I'll go to a club, comedy club, and I'll run into somebody that I know that's sober and I'll go, I don't know what, you know what I mean? I'll talk to them on the side.
So I don't, you know, if I were to do it, I would keep it inside myself and make a plan. That's right.
Don't wink after you say that. Why? Because that's like going, I'm not going to kill her.
I'm not going to. Yeah.
Do you think Tito's Bobby's going to use again? I don't think so. Yeah.
How would you feel if he did break his... You know what? Actually, make a promise to her that you won't.
That's the use. She's broken.
I can't even so. Yeah.
What would you, how would you feel if he did break his, you know what, actually make a promise to her that you won't.

That's the use.

She's broken,

I can't even get into it,

but she's broken

so many fucking promises

as a girl.

Oh.

I can't do it.

First of all,

number one,

okay,

she's not on my side.

I am.

No,

you're on my girlfriend's side

because you guys

are blood related.

That's true.

Right?

So you keep secrets from me. You need blood in the house.
Why don't you make Stevie move in? Everyone would die in the house. You mean he'd like burn it to the ground? He would snap and something would happen.
Something drastic would happen. And I don't think you would want to live with him.
But my point is this, okay? I feel it. That you side with her.
Yeah. Right? Because you guys are blood related.
And I'm nothing to you. I just happen to be the guy That's not true You mean a lot to her I would like to hear it Because I'm vulnerable right now And I'm in a bad spot So I'd like to hear these Leave it up to Bobby To sabotage my birthday episode About him Yeah yeah Make Bobby feel good now Yeah yeah To Bobby Yeah I look at you Like a father figure.
Sweet. But I'm not scared of you.
But I care about you. I don't want you to relapse because it's going to hurt everyone.
Did Jules mean what she just said, Magic 8-Ball? Come on. This shake again or ask again later is meaningless.
Did Jules mean what she said? Come on. Oh.
It says, I can see it. It says yes.
Okay. I believe you.
you it says yes i believe you dude did you see this kid oh so do you know who this guy is who jamie costa oh the guy that does the impression of robin williams yeah but did you see the the the trailer the trailer thing unbelievable un-fucking-believable it was probably the greatest robin williams impersonation i think i've And look, he's the second picture there. He does kind of have Robin's eyes.
Yeah, he does. He has Robin's eyes.
He has that vibe, yeah. But this dude right here is legitimately embodies.
Is he an impressionist? I don't know, but I saw online him doing... Why is this guy not on SNL, man? Because...
So good. Because now he's the star of a fucking Robin Williams documentary.
Really? Or I mean a movie, a Robin Williams movie. He's the star of that movie.
I don't think... Isn't that a movie about Robin? No, I think that he just did a production of that.
What? This guy did that? That's not a movie? I don't think that's a movie, no. Am I losing my mind? Look up Jamie.
I thought that was a movie trailer. No.
That wasn't a piece of a film i think he he wrote a scene from you know i mean something that happened in the past another guy someone else people are saying they should make a biopic i've read this i thought this was that they should make a biopic this guy should be the guy you know i mean you know who robin williams is yeah he's genie from aladdin correct that is. That is the best role he ever did.
You're right. And Jumanji.
Correct. Even better.
Even more specific. Jumanji.
Yeah. Did you ever see him in one hour photo? Woof.
You want to talk about a fucking creepy role. Really good.
He also did a... That picture of him in one hour photo.
Look at the image of him. Now tell me, Jules, how do you feel about that guy?

Woof.

Yeah.

Scary.

Looks like any member of my family.

Yeah.

100%.

He also did Christopher Nolan, a movie with Al Pacino.

Hmm.

Right?

Did I get that wrong?

Insomnia.

Oh, insomnia.

Insomnia.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he was pretty good in that, too. God, he's phenomenal.
What a fucking... Did you ever see Good Will Hunting? Yeah.
Yeah? Is he in that? Yeah. He's the therapist? Yeah, I guess he's a therapist in a way.
It's like, have you seen Mark Hamill in Star Wars? He's Luke Skywalker? Actually, Rudy just saw Star Wars for the first time. You did? Yeah.
Which one? New Hope? Mm-hmm. From beginning to end? Mm-hmm.
What do you think? What do you think? All the people there were white. All the people there were white.
That is true. That's a good observation.
Well, no. I didn't see any brown people.
You saw a black person. No.
Darth Vader's not black? That's his mask. He's white underneath.
No, the voice is. He's white.
The voice. Who does the voice? Well, that's true.
Yeah. But that's not a black guy in there that's true damn because of genetics uh-huh yeah why would he you know i mean why would he spawn princess in my head right yes well they should have had the voice there yeah because the voice the whoever voiced darth vader black guys have the coolest voices that's why they did that.
Yeah. It was an actual black actor that did it.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Because they have the deepest. Deep, yeah.
Like Doc. Like Doc.
Yeah. Right.
But when they lifted open to the mask, obviously it's got to be a white guy. It's got to be white.
That's the one thing that stood out, eh? Was everybody was white. But you didn't see the second one.
There's one black guy in the second one. One.
There's one black guy. But he runs a city.
That's a good thing. He runs Cloud City.
That's like it's like it's not like he's like a janitor if he was a janitor at cloud city yeah and they just ran by this guy right hey i'm lando right watch it right he does run a city right so he's the guy at the city but what but he's untrustworthy who knows what he's doing over there? Cloud City. Cloud City.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sounds like a drug town. Sounds like a criminal's haven.
Maybe. Yeah, but you know what? I'm going to look at the positive, right? And he's in charge of mining.
Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah.
And that kind of thing. Mining for, yeah.
But you saw the first one and didn't like it I liked it but just wasn't the thing yeah and I thought Luke was gonna be hot but he's not hot uh well yeah yeah yeah I mean if that's your basis on right yeah is that how you watch things now? Yeah. That they have to be hot? Yeah.
So if they're ugly, you're not watching it, huh? Yeah. Wow.
Can I be very honest? Yeah. I respect the fuck out of that.
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I have ones that have fruit on it and pandas. I have a little pizza, too.

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Oh, the raccoon.

I love the raccoon.

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you know what I mean

talent what i mean a tom hardy looking character actor right yeah rest in peace but he's so legitly skillful yeah he's undeniable that they don't you know i mean talent so you're telling me you're telling me philip seymour hoffman would never get famous in the philippines i don't think so i think they would put him in some weird variety. And they're, you know what I mean? Bong die.
Beating him with sticks.

Beating him with sticks.

And he's doing a funny dance

and then they fucking do it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Yeah.

Then they zoom that.

It becomes,

you know what I mean?

But that's it.

That's all he is?

Yeah.

So they're looks first,

Talon second.

You and I would never do well

over there.

Yeah.

Like,

no, you would.

You could be in the squid game.

What?

You guys could be in the squid game.

Yeah,

but I'm not going to be

probably the lead.

I'm probably going to be, like, I'll probably die at the first. And I die right after you.
It seems like I'm not going to die. Right.
You know, like the guys are running down and you have a shootout. And then you're gone.
And I'm like, I'll make it up to you. And the moment I turn around, right in my face.
I get a half a second longer. I thought about that, right? That first, where we're stopping motion and go, right? Yeah, red like green.

I swear to God,

number one,

you'd be the guy behind me

so it wouldn't sense me.

I know this.

And you would duck down

and I'd be like,

dude, what the fuck are you doing?

Don't worry about it, dude.

Don't worry about it.

My knee hurts.

That's why behind you, right?

My back, my sciatica.

And then once they say,

go, we'll go. And when we stop, you'll push me yeah and i'll get shot would you do that yeah why just because it's not a game because i'm gonna die soon too that's true it's like we might as well have some fun die fun yeah because at least i'll laugh you'll go what the fuck yeah it'll be funny before they're bound to kill me too, too.
Yeah. She would get clipped fast, too.
No, she would make it. Really? Yeah.
Look at her face. She doesn't even believe it.
You don't think you would make it? I don't think so. Maybe in the middle.
Somehow Andres would make it through Squid Game just because he's just a little sneaky little rat. You know, he's such a little...
Let me see. I'm going to do a motion, and you tell me to stop.
Okay. Right? I'm going to do a motion and see if I'm going to be good at it, right? Go.
Stop. No.
Let me give you another shot. Give me another shot.
And go. Stop.
Oh, no, no dead you're dead you're dead i know i'm dead you do you do it all right right and go stop oh you maybe maybe maybe i did have a little shake You did a little A little shake You gotta let the juice come out Alright let me try one more time Yeah yeah yeah Yeah Joe Yeah yeah yeah Stop Pretty good Pretty good Yeah yeah But I I do... All right, let me try one.
Let me try one.

Ready?

And go.

Stop.

Oh, that's good.

Am I good?

You did really good.

No, no, you're safe.

Good, good, good, good.

Jules, your turn.

You have to do one.

You have to do one.

Okay.

Okay, you ready?

Yeah, yeah.

Go.

All right. Yeah, so...
No, you can't stop. Oh, she stopped when I said stop! That was really good.
Wow, that actually worked. Damn, that was really good.
And then there's another, what's the game after that? Was it the tug of war? Yeah, that was right, yeah. Yeah.
I wonder, okay, let's suppose this team, Me you Right Me you and Jules Yeah Versus those guys George Andreas And Easy Pete Easy What Them Them Because of Pete We're fucked Because of Pete Because of Pete though Yeah Because of Pete 100% Pete Pete fucks it all up. Yep.
What about this then? Me, you, and George. Pete, Jules, and Andreas.
That's actually more interesting. I don't know.
Yeah, that's a tight... We had nothing against you.
Because I'm a girl?

No!

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

No, it's just because just nothing against you.

Nothing against you.

Yeah, yeah.

I actually...

Oh, but did I tell you

I saw Bond?

I know that we talked about it

last week, but I saw...

No, I saw it.

Didn't like it.

I fucking was in love with it.

I loved it.

It was too little...

Little long.

Little long.

Little long.

Little long.

Right, right.

I got up to pee.

I don't i've never had to do that yeah it was pretty long but i gotta tell you something gorgeous okay who was in your opinion and we'll move on fast because we've already talked about bond yeah yeah who was in the movie your favorite cameo in the movie cameo well or or had a short stint in the film because there were a lot of people that came and went in that movie yeah that's what a cameo is yeah i know what well you asked it like you never heard of it before so who had the best cameo um i forgot his name fancy christopher waltz with it's not even a question he was amazing it's not even a question. He was amazing.
It's not even a question.

Yeah, yeah. And by the way, this isn't me talking shiz.

Yeah. I like bottom tooth.
What's his name?

Rami Malek? Yeah. I like him.

I like

bottom tooth. Yeah.
He looks like

one of those fishes that's

on the deep. Angler.
He's an angler fish.

That he'd be translucent.

I mean, look. Yeah.
Okay. How do you think how do you feel about this guy? How does he look? See, they make him look.
That's what he really looks like. Yeah.
You like him? He's hot. Oh, my God.
Look at that. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, this guy. This girl.
That looks like a car GMC is working on. What the fuck is...
Yeah, okay. So compare that to Luke Skywalker.
Why am I making fun of him? You just look what? No. How? What the fuck the fuck? Babe.
He's so pale. So is he.
No, he's so pale, Luke. He's pale.
No, he's more pale. Let me tell you something.
This guy is a great actor. He's phenomenal.
One of the best. His lines, his edges of his face scare the shit out of me.
I feel like he'll fucking cut you with his chin. Right.
But I just am being honest. I'm not being a dick.
But I can feel him acting sometimes in the movie. Yeah.
Christoph Waltz, it was like watching a guy put butter on toast. It was just like a smooth, and he was so patient with the way he was doing his lines.
It's interesting that you say that because I – He's so good. When he first came out and his – it was not that energy, but he was like just so in it, right? And like not trying.
Oh, dude. Right? And he slowly builds it, right? You're right.
I mean his performance – It was good. Very good.
It was good. Let's not – I'm not down on the guy's performance.
In fact, if I had a movie. I'd put him in it.
I'd probably put him in it. I might put him in it.
No audition. No audition.
No audition. I mean, he was great in The Fucking Queen.
He was very good. Freddie Mercury.
That was great. Very good.
Great actor. But there were times when he was holding the girl.
You know what I mean? And he's trying to be menacing yeah yeah yeah I did not like but I thought that opening scene I'm not giving you any plot lines the girl in that house in the snow right was un-fucking-real just the way they shot it the pacing so cool that cool that's Fucanagua Fucanagua that's Fucanagua isn't it it is right Mexican yeah wait Fucanagua is Mexican yep Kerry Fucanagua is the one who shot that I didn't know that and by the way yeah pound for pound one of the coolest shot Bond movies I've seen and it's done well. It's really well.
It's done. Props.
Hard props. One of the previews that I saw during it, by the way, that I thought was going to piss me off.
No, wait. Okay.
So we're going to talk about the previews before Bond? Yeah. All right.
I'm going to tell you what I liked and you tell me what you liked. Okay.
I'm going to guess. I'm going to guess what you were going to say.
Which one? Which one? You thought it was going to gonna piss me off but i actually am excited to see it ghostbusters 100 100 go 100 and initially i thought this is gonna fucking piss me off they're gonna do ghostbusters again i already fucking the all girl one from snl god bless those girls but fuck off that was the worst shit i've ever seen in my fucking life my friend katie diphol wrote it okay that's good it was a bad movie stop it katie's good she probably i'm sure she's incredible great writer but that movie wasn'told wrote it. Okay.
That's good. It was a bad movie.
Stop it. Katie's good.
She probably, I'm sure she's incredible. Great writer.
But that movie wasn't Ghostbusters. This version looks great.
I'll tell you why. Because it's kids.
No, no. It looks like the youth exploring the history of Ghostbusters was cool.
It reminded me of those 1980s. There's like a little magic in it, right? Of like, it's uplifting.
Yes yes right it's kind of the town it's just the music the way it's shot you have this like kind of magical sensation right and then once you realize what it is it has the music right yep the casting you know i mean the colors all right like the creatures that are like when paul rudd is in the fucking grocery store and the little marshmallow you know i mean little stay puffed when that happened when i saw that it was just like goosebumps all over my body 100 here's okay this movie by the way yeah answering the call i'll go back right no disrespect no disrespect it just wasn't ghostbusters is all my point that's all i'm saying it just didn't have the the judge yeah just just didn't and this new one it has it does yeah and akroyd is in it i know amazing okay so that one i was happy about let me guess what you weren't happy with go ahead go ahead matrix why why yeah why i'm saying why are we doing that what do you mean why why why would i ever want to see that why the fuck are we doing it you're correct you're right I thought you were making sure I had anything to do with it I don't know the answers I'm agreeing with you why Matrix why why why why I wanted to say that out loud when I saw it why now they're going to fuck let me get... They're going to fuck it up.
First of all, right? If you're going to put Keanu Reeves in it, he has to be Neo. No shit.
He's the guy. Right.
Neo. Neo.
Carrie Ann Moss. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Right? But then you don't put fucking Lord's Fishburne in it why

I don't know

too old

too old

someone younger

they wanted someone younger

no

was it a situation

where he

he got offered the part

and then

no

he went no

there's no way

they didn't offer him the part

I think they politely

have to tell him

that they're making

we're going a different direction

you're Morpheus

they don't owe him shit

I know

that's crazy

there's no way

studios don't give a fuck

Thank you. of the part.
I think they politely have to tell him that they're making the movie. We're going a different direction.
You're Morpheus. They don't owe him shit.
I know, but that's crazy. There's no way.
Studios don't give a fuck. They're about the money.
Look, I'm going to watch it anyway. Of course I'm going to watch it.
I'll wait in line. I'll be the first guy.
After I see it, I'm going to love it. I'm going to love every second of it.
Yeah. And even if it's bad, I'm going to say I love it.
Yeah, I'm going to lie. And when I see Keanu, right? Greatest movie I've ever seen.
I'm so happy that you did it again. Yeah, yeah.
Great job. You want to suck his dick? You can't just say it was a great movie.
You could just go great movie. I never said that suck his dick.
Oh, it sounded like you said that. I never said that.
All right, what other trailer did I not like at all? Okay, so, well, I'll tell you what I liked. What? Was there another trailer you liked? No.
No, I don't think so. Really? I don't think there was anything else.
There was a movie with Jessica Chastain and like three other women that are fighters that are oh and then Kumail's movie that one that one as well the Marvel oh yeah what is that one called it's called let me don't say it okay it's Eternals E The Eternals. Yeah.
Good.

Okay.

I mean, here's what-

I'm happy for him because I root for Kumail

because I think he's a good dude.

Yeah, he's a good guy.

So I'm happy for him, but-

I understand that-

I don't know what it is.

I didn't get it at all.

The trailer, I was like, what the fuck is this movie? They're running out of... Stuff.
Yeah. They're running out of stuff.
Look at him there. Yeah.
It is funny he got in such good shape only to put on a full body suit. Yeah.
Like, look at him there. Looks great.
That does look like one ab is making its way down. Yeah.
Like, you know when you get... You know when your balls, one of them goes up into your body a little bit? Yeah.
That's what happens when one of my nuts goes up.

Now, the veins, did they put that in there?

No, man, that's real.

No, that's him.

Those are real veins.

Yeah, they've talked about it on numerous-

That's incredible.

That's incredible.

Dune.

Dune.

Dune did look great.

Dune looks great.

Dune looks great.

That's fine.

Yeah, yeah.

But I've seen that before I got in the theater.

I hadn't seen the Ghostbusters trailer.

All of that was so magical.

So incredible.

But I'd seen Dune before I got in.

Did you see the Paul Thomas Anderson one too?

I've seen the trailer about a thousand fucking times now.

That looks good.

Yes.

Okay.

Okay.

I think PTA is great.

I also think, you know, it's, you know.

Rudy wants to see it.

Why?

No, I want to see it.

I'm starting to read the book. what book dune you gotta just you gotta you know i'm my brother and i are a big fan of the original i know it got the original dune i love the original dune movie yeah it's good it's fun you don't like it it's a little it's a little it's long it's a little what it's horrible it's a little shitty okay but it's fun it.
It's a little horrible. It's a little.
What? It's horrible. It's a little shitty.

Okay.

But it's fun shitty.

But it's odd.

That's what I like about it.

Because it's David Lynch, right?

There are some weird scenes in it.

Like with Sting and that other.

Yep.

That fat guy that floats.

That Sting thing.

That's not good.

I know.

But those two together as a kid when you're watching it. It's cool.
not just cool it's scary it's weird it's cool it's cool because it's fucking weird as shit yeah like these two yeah yeah when this dude comes out yeah this is the first time i saw a redhead in my life i'm like oh god that's what they look like we protested this because he's not a asshole. Yeah, look at him.
Right? And what's the fat guy?

Show him.

Sting and that other guy.

That guy.

That's me.

That's you.

Yeah, that is you.

Wait, those are both stages of your life.

This is literally my whole family.

That's my family.

That's my dad.

That's you at probably 22.

That's you at 60.

60?

Yeah, yeah.

Put it a little bit closer, baby.

That's me in about six years.

Yeah.

I keep up this pandemic 20 that I keep building on and that's me talking to you Bobby is that me? that's you right there you become an old white guy yeah that's amazing yeah but anyway I gotta fart so fucking bad yeah I'm gonna watch that in the theater yeah Dune's gonna be great do you wanna watch it? 100% let go But I thought we were gonna go To scare nights We'll do that too Oh Why don't we go to Why don't we go to Halloween haunted scare nights Or whatever the fuck it's called And then go to the theater there And watch Dune They have a theater there Yeah Yeah let's go there Do they have a theater there At Universal yeah Oh it's the haunted Haunted Oh say it again. No, I'm going to give you another shot.

Try it again.

Can I?

Yeah.

All right.

Could you say action, though?

Here we go.

They have a theater there.

Yeah?

They have a Hollywood Hollywood.

Say it again.

Yeah, we could just go after Halloween Horror Nights.

They have a holiday Hanada.

They have Hanada.

What is it called, though?

Halloween Horror Nights.

Halloween Horror Nights?

Hollowed Out Horror Nights.

Hollowed Out?

Halloween Horror Nights.

Say it again.

Yeah, they're... What is it called, though? Halloween Horror Nights.
Halloween Horror Nights?

Hollowed Out Horror Nights.

Hollowed Out?

Halloween Horror Nights.

Say it again.

Yeah, they have Halloween Horror Nights.

Halloween Horror Nights?

Yes.

Sounds like you're saying Horn Nights.

Yeah, yeah.

I have problems with my H's and R's.

Really?

Yeah.

Say Harissa.

Harissa. Harissa.
Harissa. Say.
No say no it's gotta be like a sentence with a bunch of h's in it bunch of h's yeah yeah do one of those little rhyme things where it's like seashells by the seashore do that with h's what are those things even called algorithms what is it called fans tongue twister tongue twister oh yeah tongue twisters with H tongue twisters with H yeah let's see if we can oh let's see any of these alright go ahead let's see if you can do any of these okay but do it fast oh there can we do it fast zoom it in more because my eyes are blurry more more it's huge it's like 800 font alright so let me go first I'll do the whole number one. Ready? Yeah.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

A peck of pickled peppers.

Pickled pepper.

Pickled pepper.

If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers?

That's a really good.

Thanks.

Wait, go up.

Let me try.

Yeah, yeah.

Go.

Fast, though.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled pepper.
Peter picked A peck of pickle pepper. Where's a peck of pickle pepper Peter picked? It's hard, right? It is.
You go, Jules. Fast.
Peter picked a peck of pickle peppers. A peck of pickle peppers.
Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickle peppers.
Where's a peck of pepper, Piper Dick? Dick was in there for some reason. All right, what's the second one? I've never even heard the second one before.
The second one's just a rap verse. It is? Betty bought her, bought some butter, but she said the butter bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter. A bitter butter batter will make my batter better.
Better, better, better, better, better, better. But she said the butter bitter, bitter, bitter man yo man listen to me dog yo butter bitter better butter will make my batter better ladies and gentlemen thanks man the korean m&m yeah yeah Korean M&M.
The Korean M&M. Yeah.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck

if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

He would chuck as he would

as much as he could

as much wood as a woodchuck could

if a woodchuck would.

You know why you go at that?

Because it's reading a sentence.

Not only that.

What?

You did that

in the woods

of Detroit

or wherever you're from.

Chicago,

and you know this.

Same.

Oh, no.

Yeah, in the Midwest.

Yes.

You and your pals, you're Jeffrey Dahmer looking friends Yeah Right we're out right Let's play a word game guys Yeah in the woods Yeah and then you guys would do this one All the time It's like I wouldn't even be able to do that Let me try How much would a woodpecker Zoom in I can't It's so big I know I wish the fans could see My eyes are so bad It's fucking huge How much would a woodpecker Woodchuck Would a woodchuck Could chuck wood No woodpecker Woodchuck How much would a woodchuck chuck If a woodchuck could chuck wood He would chuck he wood As much as he could As chuck chuck as it was wood As a woodchuck If a woodchuck could chuck wood By the way That should be way. If you were trying to find out if an Asian person can get into this country, it would be that.
How much would we, Chuck, could, could, Chuck would? There would be no Asians in this country. I know.
If you had to read it. This is a citizenship test for that? You're the guy.
Yeah. Hi.
Hi. You ready to take your citizenship test? I am.
All right. Well, let me tell you something, Yoshi.
This is not going to be easy, but if you fail in saying this- Toshi. Toshi, if you fail in saying- No, where are you going? No, leave it.
Toshi. Okay, Toshi.
Sorry about that. Well, we'd love to have you as a United States citizen.
Ready? Yeah. All you have to do is read this phrase and that's all you have to do and you're in the country.
That's it. That's it? That's it.
But you can't screw it up. Easy.
All right, Toshi. So go right ahead.
Number three. How much wood? Am I out? You're out.
I'm sorry, Toshi. Am I out? Yeah, you're gone.
Oh, bye. You know what? We like you.
Yes. Let's give you one more try.
How fast? Can I do slow? It has to be very fast. All right.
Come on, Toshi. How much wood would chuckle? Chuck, if a wood chuckle, could I chuckle wood? Sorry, Tosh.
That's going to be the end of it. What about my wife? Oh, man.
Would you like to try? Yeah, yeah. I'll try.
Where's your accent? Where's your accent? What, you come to America all of a sudden you have an American accent? It's crazy. Did you lose it? That's nuts.
I'll try. Oh.
What? She's from Wisconsin. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck If a woodchuck would chuck wood He would chuck As much as he could You're out These are crazy You know when a racist person yells Go back to your country they should have this on a sheet of paper and be like read this or go back to your fucking country gang you know what i do like does this work for you red leather yellow leather red red leather yellow leather yeah like so oh warm-up exercises when you do warm-up that one works for me red like when i'm acting right and i and i have long thing to say, and I get things jumbled up in my head.
Yeah. When I say red leather, yellow leather, right? That works.
It does work for me. Really? Here's another thing that works.
What? Watermelon. Watermelon.
Yeah. So it's like- You eat it? What? Like do you physically eat watermelon? No.
Oh. What the fuck? No, when you're lip syncing, when you say water well, it usually lines up.
Oh up oh like if i'm talking let's say i'm saying watermelon watermelon watermelon and you talk you know me you're my voice it'll probably line up all right let's try all right ready hey this is bobby lee and i gotta tell you something i am a blatant homosexual i've talked about it on this show so many times no. I'm wrong about it.
Yeah, you're way off. 100%.
Because it looks like you're just saying watermelon. That's true.
It doesn't even remotely look like you're saying anything. No, I know why I know that.
Why? Because years ago, I did a pilot called, I did one with Steve Renazizi and Steve Howe. I forgot what it was called.
And Steve Howe? It's not Steve Howey. Oh, yeah.
It's Zoe Lister-Jones. And so I had a lot of scenes where I was like in the background and they would like, you're in the background, Bobby, you're talking.
So I just didn't know what to say. So one extra from Chicago, we shot in Chicago.
He was like a pro extra.

A background guy saying,

just say watermelon.

Yeah, he goes,

kid, you know what the trick is?

I go, what?

Just say watermelon.

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

Over and over again.

So if you see the pilot,

I guess you'll see me go.

I always thought that that would work,

but it probably doesn't.

No, because you're faking a conversation. You could just go go anything And then it looks like you going Yeah yeah So Did you make any of those Star Wars Did you make anything yet? Not yet Okay Jules Alright Do you remember Obi-Wan Kenobi? Yeah he's the one that Princess Leia made a record with r2d2 that's true and in the bar he walks into that bar right and he when he pulls out his lightsaber and turns it on saber lightsaber saber with a b saver not as lightsaber no it's not saving light it's lightsaber does life save lives though so lightsaber I guess it's called a lightsaber I always thought it was lightsaber because it saves lives I guess you're right actually thank you so when he pulls out it's lightsaber lightsaber yeah saver what does he do with it he swishes it around did not see it

did not see it

100% did not see it

you saw clips on YouTube didn't you

no I was watching it but

but you weren't watching it

I wasn't watching it

okay let me give it another shot

another question

you want another one

okay

so

when they capture

Princess Leia

Let's go. You want another one? Yeah, give her another one.
Okay. So when they capture Princess Leia, first of all, what's the planet called? No, just listen, okay? It's the most notorious thing, right? They're like clothing brands and bands named after them.
So it's like where Darth Vader is, right? It's a spaceship that looks like a planet. Yeah.
Right? What's that called? It didn't say that. Yeah, it does.
It does. A million times.
Is it Imperial Forest Forest Yeah Imperial

Imperial

Imperial forest

No

It's called the Death Star

No it's called the Imperial

Death Star is the weapon

No

No

You didn't see it

You didn't see it

So anyway

When Princess Leia

Is on the Death Star

Right

Yeah

And she

And Darth Vader

I want to see her

So there's a scene Where they're on a deck Yeah Right What and Darth Vader, I want to see her. So there's a scene

where they're on a deck.

Yeah.

Right?

What does Darth Vader do?

He wants to show her something.

What does he show her?

He shows her

planets that are exploding.

That's true.

That is true.

That's true.

That's what he,

one planet. Planet that are.
Her home planet. That's true.
That is true. That's true.
That's what he's... One planet.
Planet. Her home planet.
A planet exploding. Yeah.
Her home planet. That's what I said.
Okay. You said planet.
You said plural. All right.
That's my accent. Last one.
Last one. Okay.
She tracks it in my pad. All right.
Here's the last one. All right.
She is right. It is.
Yeah. I did hear it.
So when Han Solo, right? Princess Leia. So Han Solo, Princess Leia, Luke.
Can you say Leia? Princess Leia? It's lifesaver. Got it.
Okay. I got it.
All right. Thank you.
Yes. Princess Leia.
So when Princess Leia. My last name's Leia.
Yes, I know. It's the only way I can memorize that.
I get it. Princess Leah.
Yeah. Princess Leah, right? They escape, right? And now stormtroopers are fighting.
Right? Where do they fall into? They fall into a black hole. But then they were saved.
Yeah. You didn't see it.
You definitely didn't see you definitely didn't see it it's one of the most

notorious scenes they fall they fall into like a garbage you know i mean disposal place right

yes where they get ground up yeah and then what happens in that garbage disposal place

c3pon and he's not even in it oh yeah he's not even in there someone saves them how

Thank you. 3PO and he's not even in it oh yeah he's not even in there someone saves them how obi-wan okay you did not fucking see it you have to watch it again you never fucking saw it we're gonna do another test next week but it's so boring what how is star wars fucking boring she it's not her generation would hate Star Wars.
They have no connection to it. I know, but I want to say this, okay? And I really mean this, right? Sometimes I play stupid on the show.
We all do. That's the fun of the show.
That's the fun of the show. Like, I don't know what I'm talking about, right? But this is a real thing, okay? It's – just listen to me.
I think this is very important, right? When you're watching something, you also have to put yourself in that generation or that time it came out. Right.
Right. So it's like when I listen to like, let's say a band like The Stooges, right? The Stooges.
Obviously, they didn't have the kind of recording equipment and types of things that we have now, right? The effects, right? But I era and also you have to think to yourself where was music at at that point right so what you realize what they were doing was innovative and different yep right you have to kind of put yourself there it's like when you're watching a history reading a history book right and you're reading it it's like you can't go well why didn't you know i mean they nuke like in the 1700s why they why didn't they nuke it because they didn't have nuclear fucking weapons back then right you have to look at what they had back then right so when you look at a fucking movie like star wars you realize that it was the first of its kind it was right all those spaceships and stuff it wasn't fucking c. It was actual models.
Real models. Right? They painted that shit, right? And they zoomed in, and they did all that shit that was so innovative.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Also, Star Wars, they were put in the valley in some weird warehouse where there was no air conditioning. And they were just sweating it out, building this shit.
Kind of like us right now. Yeah, exactly.
And the studio's like, this is not going to work, right? When fucking Steven Spielberg showed it to his friends, the first original version, he showed it to George Lucas, Brian De Palma, Scorsese, all these legendary, right? He brought them all over. He's like, look at my George Lucas.
Look at my movie. After the movie was done, they looked at him and goes, it's terrible.
Don't even release it, right? So then what George Lucas did was he found a fucking different editor, right? And he made the action be the editing technique in terms of that comes first. So everything know i mean is spliced based on the action right it changed the the movie yeah right that's what you have to do when you watch a movie like that but to you there's no you're like oh that doesn't look real or you know i mean there should be more explosions she's saying yeah luke skymarkers i don't like his 70s haircut.
He's not hot. Because he was in the 1970s, lady.
Yeah, lady. Okay, I'll watch it again.
Hey, Rudy, what did we miss from your review? From my review? Mm-hmm. From my review.
Oh, Jesus. I said the acting looks acting is bad.
The cinematography looks old. Okay.
But I like the theme music. The music you liked? Yeah.
In conclusion, it was kind of boring. What do you give it? How many stars out of five? Two.
Two stars. You know what? Fuck you.
Star Wars, a two-star movie. Fuck you.
You know what? Look at me right now. I'm going to give you spoilers.
Okay. Because you're not going to watch the second one, which is the best one.
Wait, make her watch it. No.
You should watch it. I'll watch it.
No, you're not going to watch it. All right? You're not going to watch it, and I'm going to tell you something.
All right? I'm getting angry. Okay.
I'm going to give you some spoilers, and everyone's listening so everyone knows the movie. All right? Yeah.
Okay. You know Luke Skywalker, right? And Princess Leia? You know who they are? In relation to each other.
Siblings.

They're siblings.

Who's their dad?

Darth Vader.

You already know this?

How the fuck do you already know this?

I don't know.

I was just looking at...

She looked online.

I'm sure it's all over the internet.

I'm impressed.

Yeah.

I'm so angry.

I'm impressed by how much she hates it. Yeah, I've never heard anyone hate it but you know what her generation who knows I bet you we have to have fans that are in their young 20s that also hate the fucking movie I'm sure there are I'm curious to see if you saw a movie like Taxi Driver or something dark never gonna like it you're not She's never going to like it.
Yeah, you're not going to get it because it's like, you know.

Like Dog Day Afternoon, she'll hate that fucking movie.

Oh, my God.

What a great movie because it's based on a true story, that thing.

You won't like that.

You won't take it.

You should try.

You should try.

We should make you try these on this off week and see which one you actually like.

No, no.

We should do every week at the end, right, a movie reveal.

Jewel's movie reveal.

Yeah, yeah.

And we'll make her watch classics.

You have to watch them.

So what am I going to watch now?

So let's make her watch.

Make her watch Dog Day Afternoon.

I think something.

That's a phenomenal movie

and it also has themes

that are,

without ruining it,

that is something

that's current

in this day and age.

I think something

is a little bit more

dark than that.

Raiders.

Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Raiders of the Lost Ark?

No.

Not Raiders of the Lost Ark.

I mean, that's great.

That's great. No, he's meaning like something.
He wants like dark. What about this? Apocalypse Now.
Fine. Apocalypse Now.
Great. Or Clockwork Orange.
Clockwork Orange. Clockwork Orange.
All right. You're watching Clockwork Orange.
You're watching Clockwork Orange this week. All right? Great.
She just comes back. She's like, I watched that movie Orange County.
It wasn't good at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's called Clockwork Orange, Stanley Kubrick. When the movie came out, it was banned from England.
Correct. Right? Or Europe or something.
I think it was England. England, yeah.
I think it was the UK. What a weird movie.
Amazing. Oh, what a weird good movie.
I remember it gave me like daymares. You know, like nightmares that day? Yeah.
I had to think about it during the day and be freaked out with my eyes wide open thinking about how creepy it was. I remember watching as a kid going, like literally jerking off to the milk bar.
Oh, the milk bar is the hottest thing in the world. Yeah, like.
Yeah. Right.
So these. I don't know.
Don't give it up. Don't give it up.
All right. Those milk bars were like sexy to me.
It was a Milko Velocet? Yeah. Ooh.
All right, so you're watching

A Clockwork Orange.

Okay.

You logged in?

You excited?

And I want real notes.

Yeah, and I don't want you

to be texting.

Yeah, no, no.

Your phone should be shut down.

I don't want you to be texting

or anything

or watching your anime

because I know you have

two gadgets sometimes.

I know you do that.

I only have one.

No, I see.

Dude, all the time I see you watching shit and doing shit on your phone okay do you not do that i don't yeah you do let me ask you something do you do that in what do you do that do you do two things i want to watch a watch a thing and be on another gadget if i'm watching a um docu-series i'll do that but right now i'm watching a show called Secession. It's the best.
Secession? Yeah. It's the best.
I didn't know about it. And I know.
Are you starting from the first season? Yeah. Oh, it's so good.
It's so good. And tonight I'm watching the last episode.
Of the first season. First season.
But there was a couple episodes before that that made me laugh so fucking hard.

Which one?

We've all seen it.

It's where they go to the fucking, that bachelor party.

Uh-huh.

Right?

And then Tom.

Tom is so fucking funny.

So fucking good in that show.

God, he's funny.

Right?

Tom goes, that girl, that's a girl.

Right?

And what he does.

Oh.

Yeah, right?

I know exactly.

He openly admits that. Yes.
Right? Like almost in a bragging way yeah right and then at the end when they're walking out they go good job tom we heard like it went around everybody knows about it right it's so fucking funny beyond there's also a scene when um the daughter is begging to go see her dad Siobhan right and Maria or the mother or the stepmother Marsha the stepmother yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah a scene when the daughter is begging to go see her dad. Siobhan.
Right. And Maria or the mother or the stepmother, Marsha.
Yeah, the stepmom or whatever, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
See, he's not well. You know, give it some time.
And she's insisting to go up there. Right.
So she just barges up there. She's like, you're not gonna, you know what I mean? And there's a scene, a very intimate moment where she puts her hand on her dad and he's, you know, he has a brain aneurysm.
He's in and out of consciousness. He has a stroke, right? Stroke, right.
And there's a touching scene where he goes, I love you. You know that he's never said that probably before.
She starts tearing up, right? Then he grabs her hand and tries to get her hand to touch his penis. Yeah, the funniest thing on earth so fucking funny right that show is so good it's so good and i'm excited because of a show like this because i never i didn't know what it was i can't believe you never saw no my so popular i know my friend gene was like you haven't seen it i just it's just you know there's so much shit out yeah too many you miss it right yeah so now watching it and i have now the second season that I've never seen and then also the third season coming out so I'm so fucking excited I'm excited for the third season you know who kills it on that show by the way? Kieran Culkin but who to you makes you chuckle because he's so funny and dumb Greg Greg is fucking unreal I feel so bad for him oh he's the best yeah wait till second season you're gonna love it i just you know i'm afraid that he's gonna die he's not gonna die is he doesn't die thank god i don't know what happened in the third season but he's so dumb so good i know in the show yeah is he not dumb nicholas braun his name is nick braun he's a fucking great actor he's friends with people i know really well really when the show came out i reached out to him online and i was like i want to tell you dude you steal comedy scenes from that show because it's his nervousness and he throws away a dumb line yeah and because the way he goes so you know when he throws away something small yeah it's so fucking funny like he's so out of touch it's great yeah he's like the characters yeah fucking phenomenal oh it's a great show what

a great show anyway all right so listen yeah i like you for i'd okay i'd like you to sing you just you bobby lee to sing me happy birthday quietly smoothly sexually in your own bobby lee way go ahead may i say something before i go. You know, I could do it comedically.
Okay. Okay.
I could do it with a smile. But I can also do it real and in a way how it really makes me feel about you.
Okay. Now you're going for the comedy.
No, no, no. But now that I just said that it makes me laugh

so just give me a second

go ahead and recoup

I'm sorry

why does that happen

we can wait

here we go okay

you can't smile i'm not smiling yeah you are smiling but just when you would do that you're

so femme when you do that with your hair i know but don't don't do that that's like i'm sorry

don't smile this is a real moment man okay i won't i'm not gonna smile

Thank you. You are smiling.
But just when you would do that, you're so femme when you do that with your hair. I know, but don't smile.
Don't do that. That's like so...
I'm sorry, don't smile. This is a real moment, man.
Okay, I won't. I'm not going to smile.
Come on. All right, where we go? Fuck.
Come on. I we go Fuck Come on

I tried

I need this

Alright you're right

You're right

I love you

Please

I love you man

I love you man

I love you man

Please

Happy birthday

To you

Happy birthday

To you

Thank you. Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Andrew. Happy birthday day to you

thank you Bob

thank you for being a bad friend

thank you Bob

huge We'll see you next time.